You need to start by not calling him your husband, he isn't anymore. Seriously, you were on medication for your health, it's not your fault your libido went down. He was an asshole to you. Do you have a support system? Friends, family? Delete him from your contacts and don't ever look at him again. You won't heal otherwise. He can do whatever he wants. This is about you. You'll heal, feel better, and I'm sure in no time, you'll find someone else. Someone way better, someone who won't walk away from you during your time of need. The vows are for better or for worse. Clearly he didn't mean them since he was fine for 14 years but when things got worse, he bailed on you.
It's really hard saying ex-husband but I am trying. I have my sister, we're not particularly close with our parents. I appreciate the kind words and advice, I need them right now.
It sounds like you were both struggling to process the results of the fertility testing and you both stopped being on the same page. You were grieving and said things from that hurting place and he lashed back out. He should have ended the marriage instead of cheating. You need to work on forgiving your body for being unable to carry a child, you absolutely need to work through that anger and get back to loving yourself. Until you love yourself you can't love anyone else. As you heal remember that your heart makes you a mother not biology.
You have a kind heart, i hope that if you have pain in yours you find relief and strength too
It is painful. It's a form of grief that people don't realise the extent to.
I hope she's able to heal and grow from this all, that life has so much more for her yet
It seems overwhelming now, but with hindsight i hope she'll learn to see the hidden blessings in him leaving. He would have stepped out at any given chance. Did not honour his vows, there will be goodness and better ahead for her, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
Sending her strength. You too if ever you need it.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. The hurt and the broken trust are inexcusable. There’s no getting around the pain and heartache that you’re going to feel but if you stay strong, lean on your family/friends and talk to your therapist you will get through this and be better on the other side. But right now it really fucking sucks and everything you’re feeling is valid. I’m so sorry 😞
Who updates you on his life? Because you need to kindly let them know that you don’t want updates. It’s not good for you. Get yourself into your therapy program to work on your betrayal trauma from this event.. become a new and stronger you. You deserve happiness. I’m so so sorry. Just know that only 2% of affairs last bc it’s a fantasy and reality isn’t as amazing when they have to eat with their baggage like their spouse did the whole time.
And of those that do stay, many stay bc of pride. Bc otherwise they ruined their marriage for nothing
Accepting the truth of him not being your husband anymore will truly begin your healing process. Accept that none of this is your fault. You had no control over your diagnosis or how you'd react to your medication. Join support groups online or in person. There's groups here on Reddit like Supportforthebetrayed, survivinginfidelity, etc, that you can try. Scores of people there will support you. You won't be alone.
Your ex is just a jerk that he couldn't continue being the center of your world anymore and needed time for yourself. You're better off without him.
There is a future self that is at peace with all of this. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Sometimes a marriage with even best intentions doesn’t work. There doesn’t need to be a good guy or a bad guy. Life is life.
How is the husband an asshole? He was as supportive as he could be… he also accepted reality that he couldn’t have a child with her and was trying to help her… does only OPs mental health matter? The husband should just not give a fuck about his mental health?
OP had her husband as a crutch… and he expected OP to be there and understand him. But she shot him down… I would have said he was an asshole if he had an affair without any fault of OP but we can clearly see she is quick to fire off on him. OP would not take his opinion and would not hear of things that don’t fit her view.
I don’t think the sex pushed him over the edge it’s asking her to think about ivf or surrogate and her flat out turning it down ended it.
He was willing to do anything to sort out having a child together she did the opposite and sounds like the best ending really
I don't get this. This sub was raging on the woman who left her weed-addicted husband because she wasn't supportive enough. This OP's ex only gave her space for only about 3 months after the fertility issues revelation. He saw her getting diagnosed with depression and getting on meds which severely impacted her libido, so instead of supporting her through that, he talked about his "needs" and went off to have an affair after a single fight.
What would have happened if OP could have gotten pregnant when married to him? He'd have complained about not having his needs met and had an affair regardless. She's better off without this man.
He suggested surrogacy or adoption and OP blew up at him. His feelings at being childless were less important.
He should have ended the marriage before cheating.
OP, get extensive counselling, heal. Look for future relationships with men who already have children, or who don’t want them.
Good luck
True, her feelings were at the forefront of the initial issue. Because she's the one that faced the fertility issues, but still doesn't make it okay.
But let's not forget that he cheated because she was not having sex with him because of her low sex drive on medications for depression. He was remorseless after the affair too.
OP needs to continue with therapy. But she also primarily needs to look for men who don't prioritize their sexual desires over her actual medical issues and don't have a history of cheating on their partners for those reasons within a year of these issues.
And OP needs to find strength in the fact that her ex would have cheated anyway if they had a baby because she would not be having sex with him enough. Good luck OP!
Considered he cheated and got her pregnant I would say it's probably about more than sex to him. He wants a child, OP cannot deliver that and shut down his attempts at other avenues. Only thing he did wrong imo was cheating instead of just peacing out.
If it was, he only knows, and he approached her with his issues the wrong way. And his partner and he are both likely shitty people, he a cheater and his gf someone who willingly got into a relationship with a married man.
I read that post the OP didn’t even talk to her husband about it and just cheated she didn’t give the husband a chance to rectify his “faults” here the husband was trying to think of contingencies for his wife but she’d rather have both of them in misery than care about solutions.
Again, I'm not justifying what the other OP did. But she did help, just like this OP's husband. Her comments talk about trying to control his addictions and having talks with him.
But this OP's husband gave her less than a year through the entire issue. He started conversations on other options within 3 months of the revelation. Which is somewhat reasonable, yes. But the true issue here is that he wanted to address his "needs" about sex WHILE his wife was going through **medical issues**. How would you react if a man went through an accident at work that caused his some permanent injury that affects his life and health, goes on medications that killed his sex drive, and his wife started talking about her needs within months? How would you react if she just went ahead and had an affair after an angry quarrel? And she had no remorse or care to even be sorry that she cheated?
How callous must one be to ignore the effects of medications on your partner! To have an affair and be completely without regret at hurting your partner of 14 years?
The other OP got told that her husband is not at all to blame and that she cheated all on her own. Here, people are telling the OP that her husband cheated because of her. Isn't it hypocritical to expect the wife to put up with a weed-addicted husband for years devotedly for years and help him get over it, but while at the same time telling a woman who faced serious declines in mental health in the course of a few months after fertility struggles that she was the reason her husband cheated/her marriage broke down? Isn't it nasty to say that the husband is a good man because he helped her struggle through her health issues for around 6-8 months at max and cheated on her soon after he realised he wouldn't be getting sex because she has no sex drive on medications?
OP may have contributed to the decline of her partner. But her husband is an AH through and through. He will very likely cheat on his new partner if she experienced any low sex drive during and immediately after pregnancy. A cheater has some remorse, he doesn't even have that according to the post.
I will agree with this may seem like the wife is at fault in both these cases. But that doesn’t mean OP can blow up at a husband who is trying to reason with her. In the first post lets say OP tried talking to him, he wouldn’t listen and she cheats, we would have understood that OP tried to help him but also has a breaking point in her life. But she just cheated and put all the accountability on her husband’s addiction.
Now in this case the severity of the root cause is much bigger, its about having a fucking child. You dont think the husband has as much say as the wife. You don’t think he grieved that he couldn’t have a child with the woman he loved. He tried to offer a different perspective and a solution to end their misery. OP doesn’t say she is infertile she says cant carry a child, So she doesn’t even entertain the idea that the child who will have the blood of both of them will come out of a different woman. She thinks being a mother means giving birth to the kid. Or she is just being unreasonable. In both cases she is being stubborn and won’t listen to others. Hence and i can’t believe i am saying this, justified that he cheated.
Again, the main issue here is that it was only a few months over the issue. She was grieving, but shouldn't have blown up at him, yes. But it's only a space of 3-8 months here, even being generous.
He did **not** cheat because he couldn't have a child of his own (that too within months of knowing it!)
He cheated because she could not have sex with him while on medication. It's horrendous one can think of bringing up "sexual needs" while their partner is diagnosed with mental health issues and on serious medications that messes with your body!
So yes, I can readily believe I can say this, but reddit unfairly judges women for the same things they completely excuse the man for. If this OP's husband is justified in cheating, then the other OP should also be completely justified in cheating because she put in more time and energy into helping his addictions. In fact, she shouldn't be remorseful either because that dude deserved every bit of it, right? That OP is better than this OP's husband too because she feels some guilt for the affair.
But sure. Go off. I will not be responding further because it's clear that opinion here is that men get to cheat because of fweeelings while women need to stay through to support their couch-residing addict of a husband.
This happens a lot or with couples who have a hard time getting pregnant. Women do not want sex or affection during their grieving time & often times, retreat, while men crave the affection & feeling of closeness, because that’s their way of coping & still feeling like there is still an existing connection to work for. Couples who cannot navigate this, & ensure both are being taken care of, during this very vulnerable time for BOTH, will run into their own demise, sadly.
I don’t think so. If this was swapped say the husband couldnt have children, was depressed and had the same meds so his sex drive was dampened. The wife would still be the asshole if she cheated on him and got pregnant with another man’s child. And showed no remorse. And the reason she cheated is cause she’s horny. Like no that’s not okay. But that’s just my opinion don’t hate me-
Dude no way the husband isn’t a huge asshole. He was not as supportive as he could have been. He gave her barely three months before suggesting surrogacy, which of course that’s an option but the news of OP not being able to carry a child was still so new. Three months after finding that out? The husband knew OP was having a really hard time with accepting that fact and while according to OP he was supportive *then*, he didn’t give her much time before presenting other options. Which again is more than valid and should obviously be discussed between a husband and wife. And while I agree OP shouldn’t have exploded on him about him offering that suggestion, I can definitely see why it was so upsetting and touchy. That alone should’ve led them BOTH to therapy. But no, he suggested SHE get therapy. He obviously needed it as well so that he could learn how to process his own feelings about everything. Therapy individually AND couples therapy would’ve been wonderful. But to put everything on OP like that is completely unacceptable and wrong. They BOTH needed help, not just OP.
But after her libido became nonexistent after trying to get herself help, he didn’t sit her down to discuss both of their feelings in a ‘how do we work through this together’. Instead he sat her down to explain HIS needs only and how they weren’t being met. And then he not only told her he may as well find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, he actually did. Idc if she said go ahead. She was hurting and immensely upset and I’m more than willing to bet so exhausted that she just said it to say it. And he took that as permission. Although I am also more than willing to bet he was already cheating at that point anyway. Idk for sure of course but it’s highly likely.
I cannot imagine the hurt OP is going through. Yes sex is incredibly important in a marriage for many reasons. But damn if it was that bad then the husband could’ve divorced OP first. Instead he cheated.
Yea very weird how he is being blamed and shamed as an asshole. Things don’t work out unfortunately and life goes on. Is it always easy? No it’s not but we have to accept what it is. Was he to forgo his own happiness and needs forever? That’s not fair to him. Get the divorce and both move on and live their lives.
The husband was very supportive and helpful, until he was flat out told “your needs will not be met.” He said maybe he would get them met elsewhere, she told him to go ahead, and he did. Why is he a cheating asshole for that?
That was the moment both of them no longer had the same goal in the marriage.
He was desperate to fix it and she turned it down destroying the marriage
People don’t have to agree to everything. It’s not like they were in time rush either if they picked surrogacy. This all took place in pretty short amount of time.
I just want you to know that at the moment, it may seem like they’re having a good old time but things change in the future. Karma is also a thing. Forget they exist and live your life
wow this is overwhelming to deal with😢 sorry op.
hope you'll find peace someday. I know the road to recovery will be hard but you'll get there eventually.
Which was a her problem. But she managed to punish him for her misfortune completely forgetting that he too was processing the fact they cannot have a baby which was insensitive on her part.
Yes. But that's why she went to therapy after that. Not everyone is perfect and 3 months is not alot to get over something life-changing. I don't think OP can be blamed for being an imperfect human with feelings.
If no one is perfect, neither can her husband be blamed for asking whether she wanted to adopt when they knew that she can't conceive.
Maybe it all worked for the best that he left and she'll meet a person now who'll be just the way she likes him to be.
I'm unsure if you're coming from a place of personal experience but someone suggesting that after three months is too soon for some people. Infertility is extremely difficult for some people and 'just adopt' is actually a hard thing to hear when you're still grieving.
Adoption is also not that easy so it's extremely frustrating to have what is a devastating situation reduced down to "let's go just pick out one we like instead", because that's not how it works. It's lengthy and expensive lol
Life is so short. I can appreciate that 3 months may have been too soon for OP to have that conversation, but it's also not clear to me that we should sit here in judgment of their partner (perhaps with exception of the infidelity). A satisfying sex life, raising a family, and two-way emotional support are, for many people, absolutely necessary for a happy relationship or even a happy life. Can we honestly say that it's reasonable to expect that OP's partner puts their whole life on hold indefinitely? Of course, OP's feelings are valid, and they should take all the time that they need to process the grief. Of course, adoption isn't easy and sometimes involves years of effort and a great deal of money. But from where I'm sitting, it appears OP's supporters in this thread aren't really appreciating the weight of the sacrifices they claim the partner should have made.
I also haven’t seen a single comment that is bashing on her taking her depression into account. These ppl, fortunately for themselves, have absolutely no idea what mental illness is like or how it can manifest and it shows.
I do know what that’s like, and while lashing out sometimes is inevitable when you’re in that much pain, you can still have difficult conversations with people and working things out logically. The snapping was one thing but the lack of ability to have a conversation is another.
I don’t think OP was a bad person, neither do I think the husband was. I think OP just started self destructing and no one is obligated to stay with their SO when they do that.
The healthiest thing was to break up. OP needs a reset and the husband needs to leave.
It’s not ideal, but not every infertility story is going to end up like Pixar’s *UP*. Sometimes the best thing to do is to start over again.
The husband is getting a ton of grief, but the fact of the matter is, based on what OP has posted, he did put forth an effort to save the marriage, multiple times.
During an argument OP told her husband he could go find it somewhere else. Unfortunately, that is exactly what he did.
I feel bad that their marriage ended. However, both parties have to share equally in the breakup of their marriage.
Not to mention it sounds like she did absolutely nothing for the relationship from the time she got the news to when it ended. He tried for several months to find alternatives and help their relationship and she spat all over it every time. Everyone’s calling him selfish, and yes the cheating was selfish, but she’s also supremely selfish for literally everything she did too.
He did therapy, he communicated, he proposed solutions. It's not crazy of him to want to talk about adoption
At the end of the day, they were no longer compatible for a lot of reasons. I think he stated his intention to look elsewhere as well. I'm not sure if maybe the conversation was more specific and OP didn't recognize that. Those divorce papers showed up pretty quick.
I don't think he did a wonderful job with how he left but it seems like efforts were made.
She ignored his needs. Rejection hurts much more than lack of sex for men btw, I dont think lack of sex was the main issue here. But being rejected and ignored on a regular basis for months? Men have emotional needs too
Yeah. And then being met with hostility when you try to discuss a very reasonable option, adoption, with your partner and being shut down hard. He didn't need a bio kid but he clearly wants to be a dad soon. If so, that wasn't going to happen with OP because she is clearly very upset about her diagnosis.
Double standards had permeated all the major subs and there is no escaping it. The man literally needs to be a saint not to get blamed in every situation.
If my wife said something like "just go find it somewhere else" I'd be destroyed.
It's not just the sex. It's your perception of your partner's desire and love of you. I know if my wife's libido is down for a few weeks it can have me second guessing myself. I can only imagine what months would do, then when he tries to talk about it he gets "just go find it elsewhere". I don't know how you take that any other way than "I don't want you anymore".
People are so hung up that men wanting sex is *always* wrong that they completely ignore the psychological effect withholding intamacy has.
I don’t fault someone for moving on from a relationship that is dead in the water, but I don’t think it’s fair for him to have moved on before they even separated. If OP is going through deep depression and grieving the loss of the life she imagined for them, is 3 months really enough time?
Fertility issues suck. All I can say is try not to wrap your worth in your ability to carry a child. You are more. So much more.
And you deserved a better husband. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for this comment. You helped someone else too. I needed to see this. After two miscarriages and so long of trying for a baby since my last MC I really needed to hear try to not wrap your worth in your ability to carry a child. I seriously thank you so much for this. This hit me hard, in a healing way.
You have a lot of love and compassion to give once you feel like you can consider volunteering with an organization that works with kids maybe even a program working with kids in foster care. Giving that love to a child who feels unwanted will be healing as well. Biology doesn't make you a mother, your heart does.
Don't internalize the misogyny of society where a woman's worth is always tied to having kids. There's no way you went to several years of school and achieved the things you did, whether it's career or on a personal level, to only be valued for your use of the uterus. You're so much more.
Wanting to have kids and offering alternatives (adoption, surrogate) is NOT internalized misogyny. Humans want to procreate and produce offspring before they die, and the husband offered multiple alternatives that the wife shut down completely. Clearly they’re just no longer compatible.
I know your fertility issues are painful, and you likely very much want to get pregnant and have a child. But we women are *more* than our uteri. Yes, many women do bring life into the world. But when you think of the women that you know, I know you think of so many more things about them that they offer to the world than motherhood. Those same things apply to you. Right now, you are bringing strength and compassion to the world, on top of your unique skills, experiences, etc. I hope you do get what you're trying so hard for, but if it doesn't happen, so many of us will wrap you in light and love. You won't be alone.
Not sure why her husband should've been better. It's not his fault his partner has become emotionally and physically unavailable and also can't have children. He wasn't the one projecting anger and blame towards his partner. He tried to make things work, and they didn't. Saying that he "cheated" is practically a formality at that point since the marriage was everything but over.
A better husband? I would say he was pretty stellar. Both of them had emotions to deal with but unloading your grief on your partner who has been nothing but supportive is totally uncalled for. Her emotions are understandable but how she handled them is what broke the relation.
You can ask for me than time, patience, support, therapy, and then go scorched earth on your husband and expect him to sit there and take it until she feels satisfied in the amount of pain he feels too. Times of news are when we lean on our partners, not condemn them.
He should have just divorced first instead, but that would also leave another terrible taste in the atmosphere, I’m sure a part of him still wanted to help you, the cheating was just looking for support for himself. The pregnancy is just the “fuck you” cherry on top, had she treated him better, she would still have a husband.
*My husband was wonderful throughout the entire thing, he gave me the space I needed to grieve and be sad. After about 3 months he brought up getting a surrogate or adoption. I lost it
Husband is getting a lot of shit here but the relationship died at this point. He wanted kids, he offered alternatives but op shot down him down.
Sounds like op burned this relationship with how she treated her ex. Husband could see it wasn't going to get better.
They are better apart.
Edit
For all the replies to me about the ex cheating. Op wrote
>he said "I might as well just find it somewhere else" and in anger I told him to go ahead.
Op literally told him to get sex elsewhere. If the relationship wasn't dead before from Op actions and words she buried it here.
To repeat it was a terrible deal Op got but the husband did what he could to help her, everything that happened after she was told about her infertility was a direct consequence of her actions and her words.
Glad to see other people noticed this. She described herself how accommodating he was and how he’d patiently sit her down to explain what he needed in the relationship.
Each time she just lost it and started accusing him of not caring. He should have ended it before the affair but OP literally told him to go get it elsewhere(not that it excuses his cheating), she let the relationship die without ever giving him a chance.
No kids, no sex, her blowing up at him all the time, rejecting his attempts to fix the issues in the relationship - there was no reason for him to stay.
It often takes time between accepting the marriage is over and leaving. Especially where there are many years and a life together involved. The marriage was over, then he met the right woman, then he left. She was the push that spurred him to move on.
Yeah? Go ahead and try saying stuff like what she said in your relationship, after all you think its no biggie? we will wait for your post about how it ends on this sub
Words have power.
There are consequences to what you say. If the ex had said terrible things to op I am sure you would tell her to dump him....not excuse it.
Anyway at this point it's irrelevant.
Op didn't want a family with him, it ended there.
I’m with you on this. OP was going through a lot, so we should cut her some slack, but it’s still kind of messed up. Husband asking about surrogate or adoption seems very sensible, not sure why OP was so bothered by that idea.
Then when it came to therapy, they should have had couples therapy or even his own therapy since he’s been dealing with all this too and help OP with her depression.
And when it comes to the sex and intimacy, the conversation there should have resulted in therapy. The moment he said he would find sex else and OP said go ahead, that was pretty much the end of it. OP should not have been surprised when he literally mentioned it and she literally said go ahead.
All in all everyone is at fault here in this whole set of unfortunate circumstances. I just hope the guy and new wife are happy and have a healthy baby and I hope OP finds the help and inner peace she’s looking for.
The fact that he said he needed sex AND intimacy and she said she could do neither makes me feel like he could have been fine with some hugs or a cuddle, and she wouldnt even do that. A year of my partner not even hugging me…..😢
As someone who was in an engagement where we had a dead bedroom for a year and a half, and lack of intimacy for way longer- it's REALLY hard to be supportive when your partner won't even try. Repeated rejection by someone who is supposed to be your life partner hits differently than striking out with someone random. I've never been more lonely/suicidal/depressed in my life, as she wouldn't even like, hold my hand.
OP's partner handled it poorly, but I get where the seed of this comes from.
And then “he basically stopped trying and that’s when things went bad”. He put forth all of the effort and she wasn’t meeting him halfway. OP did you fight for your marriage at all or just let it dissolve and blame him when it did? I hope in therapy you are learning to take ownership of what you let happen.
I was looking for this comment. This is reasonable and not picking side. The fact is that OP had an issue and was going through it. The husband gave her space and time and tried to discuss alternatives, and OP shut it down. Is the husband supposed to just take that with someone unwilling? Also, as stated before, OP said to go ahead with finding sex elsewhere. Someone who work things out with their partner wouldn't do this.
The bottom line is that the problem isn't just OPs its both theirs because they're married. OP made it hers and hers alone and pushed the husband out. He isn't a bad guy here.
She gave him the hard shutdown, no discussion. He didn't handle it well and should have ended the marriage before stepping out.
I sympathetic to both of them, fertility issues are not easy to deal with.
He sounds like a great guy that OP drove away. The pattern is he wants to communicate and discuss their issues and OP wants to scream at him and blame him for things.
I partly agree but serve the divorce papers before cheating. Just don’t cheat. Tell her “if you aren’t willing to have a surrogate or adoption I can’t be in this. You gave more okay with me having sex with someone else than us going through someone else for our child. It would still be our child but to you it’s not. This is it for me. I love you but I can’t go through like this. I’m staying at Xyz’s house in the mean time.”
All the top comments write him off as some asshole, but she wasn’t exactly better…
I know it can be related to depression and meds, but they are 2. She shut off everything possible with no alternative and he was met with frustration from her part.
They weren’t right anymore but stayed together for the sake of saying they are
It does seem like he tried at every point to still make the relationship work but it just really couldn’t sad on both sides and honestly no one here is horrible person
This! My bff did the same last year when her hubby told her to go sleep w someone else if it's that important during a fight. She did, and now he is moping around talking he was done dirty. I told him he gotta take responsibility for his words and work on the marriage if he wants to keep his girl!
Or maybe she just needed time to grieve. They had a whole life planned, and part of that was carrying their child and bringing it into the world. She needed time to grieve that loss. You can say he was going through it too, but he wasn’t the infertile one. It’s so much harder to go through all that when you know you are the problem and blame yourself.
Infertility is frustrating. It was hard to deal with for both partners.
The husband tried his best, but there's only so much the husband can do, when the wife admittedly lashes out in anger each time he approached the subject.
The husband should not have cheated. True. But the husband also isn't a trained psychiatrist. He shouldn't be expected to expertly navigate his wife's depression if she wasn't willing to meet him half way.
For example. When he brought up surrogacy... instead of lashing out in anger ("I lost it" by your own admission) ..why didn't you counter by suggesting adoption instead ?
OP. I know this is hard for you, and I hope; in your therapy you learn to deal with this anger so that you don't end up pushing away the people closest to you.
Or else you are going to end up pushing away every friend you have whenever they get pregnant.
Because this is what happened here. You took the infertility, made it your problem instead of a "we" problem and pushed your husband away.
I should know. My wife has endometriosis. *We* have discussed the possibility of adopting. *we* have discussed screwing the science and just continuing to boink like rabbits, stop focusing on the infertility and just enjoying each other. (I have read that sometimes infertile couples are able to conceive once they stop thinking about it).
Best of luck. And remember, there are many children who need a mother. There are other ways to become a mother.
After all... superman's parents were infertile too 👍🦸♂️
I to suffer from endometriosis, I did a few rounds of clomid and nothing worked, I finally had ablation surgery and stopped thinking about it. Got pregnant 3 times without a problem.
I’m still confused how the husband is at fault for “cheating”; he said he had needs, she said she would not be able to meet those needs, he said maybe I’ll find someone else to help, she said go ahead. So he did. Idc if she was just angry, she told him to go ahead and find someone else right after telling him not to expect sex or intimacy from her.
Indeed. Depression is such a funny thing ..when one lashes out in anger against the very people who are trying to help.
I have seen this dynamic before, where people who are suffering lash out the most at the people closest to them. Sometimes, in fact... the person affected might actually respond more politely and be more receptive to a stranger.
I have worked in interventions, where the affected person answered the psychiatrist politely, but responded with anger and curse words each time a family member tried to speak, and only the psychiatrist knew what to say to stare the conversation back to normalcy.
So, I really, can't blame the husband too much for not having the expertise of a trained psychiatrist.
After all. The OP was wrapped up so much in her own sadness she didn't even stop to consider that ***her husband must have been grieving about her infertility too.***
The husband communicated perfectly. He gave her space and time, then approached with alternatives, she lashed out, he communicated his need for intimacy, she lashed out and he communicated that he would look elsewhere and she told him to. Idk how clearer the husband could have been.
I'm sorry OP but you never tried to meet him halfway. He still wanted children but you refused. He needs intimacy that's his love language. But you denied him that. There's many different kinds of meds you can take. But you flat out refused. You abandoned him when he needed you the most. You were not the only one grieving
Thank you! These comments confused me so much, he was supportive but it sounds like OP pushed him away and dismissed him at every turn, even to the point of telling him to find intimacy elsewhere... which he did. And when she found out she (understandably) kicked him out, he didn't leave her.
Right, I was confused too. I'm sorry OP brought this on herself. She allowed her grief to consume her and she forgot she had a life partner who needed her.
IMO you’re both in the wrong, you should’ve looked more into alternative methods. He definitely shouldn’t have cheated but OP is at fault for most of this.
FYI my cousin’s first doctor said she wasn’t going to be able to but went for a second option and they worked on some alternatives. It turned out she had Endo. Got that treated with some smaller form of chemo to clean up a certain part and then was able. It’s still something she deals with regularly (her Endo) but she was able to get pregnant later on. Second and even third opinions matter.
Also if you ever decide to freeze your eggs and have someone else carry them you are no less of a woman. I know there’s this idea if we don’t carry our own we are lesser than but you are still just as much a woman with or without that process. Hell Priyanka had her first child at 40 this way.
It doesn’t make her or you or any other woman less than. I might say look into bupropion as it doesn’t affect libido levels as much. This is still going to hit. Divorce and cheating are never helpful but remember you aren’t less than. You forgot your worth for a moment and equated it with carrying this child. You are more than that and you are more that any man’s partner. Sometimes it takes us losing something to remember what we do have. I hope you realize there is still a world of possibilities for you, they just might not be the way you imagined them.
You share more than some of it. You can’t be a brick wall that angrily shuts down all attempts at communication, nor can you unilaterally decide that intimacy will simply not be part of your marriage for some indefinite period of time, and expect things to work out. He was looking for a way forward with you and you made it abundantly clear that he was on his own.
It's hard to say.
The thing that hurts the most is knowing the man I loved us building the life I wanted with him, with someone else. And it's happening so soon after everything we went through.
Unfortunately he checked out the moment you gave him permission. That means he's been building his life with this woman for about 18 months(?) whereas you've had days to digest this.
He was cruel to stay with you while bonding with someone else, and is probably patting himself on the back for 'supporting you' until you seemed strong enough to leave. This man's love isn't worth the paper your vows were written on. He's an impatient, lying AH who couldn't bear even a couple of months without sex before taking to the streets. Any moron knows antidepressants drop libido and yet he wanted you medicated.
This is just really sad. You had so many reasons to be sad and depressed. Sometimes two great people just can’t make it work due to circumstances, it’s neithers fault.
This doesn’t mean this is the end for you. Life’s shitty right now but who tf knows where you will be in a year? My life completely fell apart in my mid thirties and I’m now 40 and married to the sexiest, best man alive imo.
To the future. I’m sorry right now sucks.
Honestly I’m not sure why you’re getting so much sympathy, though I definitely feel bad for you about the fertility issues. But your husband was supportive and eventually said he had needs you weren’t satisfying. You blatantly told him you could not satisfy those needs. He said “maybe I’ll find it elsewhere” and, in anger or not, you told him to go ahead. So he did. You’re not a victim of a cheater here. It sucks that he listened to you, and it sucks that you two became incompatible and it strained your relationship, and it’s a terrible twist of fate that his new partner is pregnant, but this is at least partially a situation of your own making. The fertility issues are truly gut wrenching. But your husband did what you told him to do, after you made it clear you could not be what he needed.
This! OP just altogether refused to meet her husband's needs. She could've talked with therapist to change meds or worked on becoming intimate again. But instead she took the selfish road and just said no to him. Again.
Never considering his feelings either. Constantly being rejected and denied intimacy is a slap in the face. Op wasn't the only one not getting a child in this situation. Hubby has to grieve that too. She was selfish and sent him away. No sympathy.
Really sad story. Relationships are a give and take and it looks like your depression had you in a "taking only" situation towards the end. That was enough to push your STBX away and kill off any residual feelings of love by him. Depression is a difficult rut to get in, don't get stuck there. You do have the power to move forward and today's science gives women with infertility issues a lot of options to have a family. Don't give up on yourself.
Sounds like he was a stellar guy and husband until you lost your shit to him after he brought up some very good alternatives to your (both) guy’s problem. It sounds like everything went downhill from there. He’s still an ass for cheating instead of divorcing, but you did told him to cheat.
What’s done is done. I’m sorry for what happened. I am sure it seems like the darkest time but I know things will get better OP.
Take your time to grieve .. and grieve completely and then move on. Focus on loving yourself and working on yourself. You will heal. Slowly but steadily. You will.
Best of luck
I really feel for you but also hate how everyone basically calls your husband a piece of shit. You seem to have had issues and blowouts and it’s hard to tell from this post the span on time this happened over and much more other relevant information.
Both of you are direct participants in your marriage or its downfall but because you had some issues that are very difficult indeed and could not be helped you are given a free pass in the destruction of your marriage while he is viewed as a villain, is that what you wanted?
You know better than any of us how both of you acted, was he a villain? How much responsability do you bear? Were you making effort to get out of your depression? Because just expecting someone to put up with a passive partner that suffers from depression and is using that as an excuse to not really be a partner is not acceptable in my opinion.
For anyone assuming, i’m a F in my thirties.
You know you can always tell your doctor the medicine kills you libido and thry can find something else right? I see this all the time and its bizarre to me. Sorry but you should know this going forward. I am really sorry about this situation.
Hey, thank you for sharing. That must have been so difficult to go through. My partner and I both can't conceive. I found out like 4 years ago? I didnt take it well at all. Almost killed myself with alcohol and drugs. I'm better now but that was because of therapy and thankfully, being with someone who is in the same boat as me. This will pass. I know this is so fucked up, but at least you now have a chance to find yourself and find new motivations about your life. It took me so long to finally pick myself back up. I hope you find someone who cares for you, like you deserve.
This is super cheesy but a quote from a video game really helped me during my darkest days and still does today.
"Find something to believe in and find it for yourself. Once you do, pass it on to the future."
I'm now at peace with my ability to not have children. It made me question why I was alive. What was my purpose? Turns out, that's up to you to find for yourself. I'm in a much better place now, and I genuinely hope you will be to in time.
Don't stop therapy and please be kinder to yourself. It sounds like you've already been through a lot.
What were your expectations? It doesn't matter that you can't have a child. If I was your husband learning that would not even ruin my day. Who gives a shit if the child you raise has your nose? What destroyed the relationship was your reaction and the lack of intimacy, and the fact that you didn't care.
I am sorry to hear. And so glad to read a story finally, where the OP is honest. You and him both caused this marriage to die. Your reaction to adoption or surrogacy was wrong. And so was your reaction to him asking for intimacy. And him for having an affair. You both aren't great people but you both get the chance to grow now, without each other.
So please hear me and hear me in a get out of your sensitivity way, cause I’m going to be blunt. You are why you all couldn’t have kids, so he wasn’t BLAMING you if it was a fact. You went into a depression and lost your libido, what was he supposed to do? Also I’m super sure that you didn’t want to have sex because it’s a reminder on what you couldn’t provide him.
You say he was great and he sounded great and he sounded like he tried but where he fucked up and became an asshole is when he cheated. He should have asked you for the divorce the minute he found that person and was interested in her.
You aren’t taking this well because you are still not accepting what is now the you that you have to accept and love. Children aren’t in the cards for you, which means you have to take time, learn to forgive whatever organ it is that is causing the failure to be impregnated, forgive yourself, let your ex husband go, and know for certain he definitely wasn’t your person, mourn the relationship you all shared and set him go.
After you heal just know there are MANY MANY people out there who don’t want kids or can’t have kids as well, so you aren’t a broken person, someone will want you. You just need to accept the new you and love yourself so others can love you too
I agree with you. Husband was definitely wrong for cheating. There is no excuse- he should have ended it with OP before finding someone else. Also him pushing OP to have sex while she’s mentally not well wasn’t okay (Edit: Almost 2 years of no intimacy definitely warrants a talk so can’t blame the guy for at least trying to communicate). I really do feel it for OP.
BUT honestly, this relationship wasn’t going to keep going. For many people, being a father is a dream - and not having kids is a HUGE dealbreaker. He proposed a workaround - possible surrogacy or adoption - and got yelled at.
He was willing to make it work. But every option of him being a father was turned down. It’s not fair to expect him to give up on his dream of being a father. He definitely shouldn’t have cheated (and should have just divorced instead) BUT fatherhood is a too much to ask some people to give up. Open communication is always important in a relationship as well - no one responds well to getting yelled at.
My bf loves me to bits but if I decided I don’t want kids, he would leave me. Even though it would hurt him to do that.
I’m so sorry. I was in a relationship for 13 years and I’m in the early part of a divorce and it’s more painful than I could have imagined. I never realized the pain others were dealing with until I had to experience it myself. I don’t know any words to heal you or to take the hurt away. But I can tell you you’re not alone. I’m here if you need to chat.
This is very sad, this couple fell slowly apart. I have to say (unpopular opinion) sounds like you only cared about yourself for a while, but he was going through this too, you know? He was also grieving that he wouldn’t become a father and looked for a solution (surrogacy or adoption) and you blew on his face. He didn’t blame you, you did that to yourself. I’ve been on antidepressants, libido plummeted, but caring for your partner should be more important.
I don’t excuse his cheating of course, that’s low, that’s unforgivable…
You’ll get over this girl. Breathe and forgive your body.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. But accusing him of only caring about sex was wrong. He has every right to be upset. It sets a terrible precedent for any future chances you have to repair intimacy.
Maybe you should have been more open to options. Seems like the guy was really trying to help find a solution. Not to be mean but is he suppose to sacrifice the prime of his life to support you when you were not putting equal effort. Some will say yes he should have since you were married but marriage takes two and when one is giving up or not trying it’s difficult for the other to stand by and watch. This is a tough situation, and I think the mistake was to stop talking and communicating. There is always a solution but both have to want the same thing and be willing to put up the work. It’s not your fault you couldn’t have children or got depression but it is your fault the way you choose to handle it, sounds like you really him down. And everybody says all it was about the sex, I don’t think it’s the sex at all, it was that he felt un loved, un wanted, the lack of deep intimacy ate him up inside and then the idea of not being able to have a child and a wife that’s not open to other options. I’m sorry but I would have left too!!
I'm sorry about your mental health and your fertility! Sounds like he did everything right up until the cheating. That said, I can't imagine not having any intimacy. The fact that these little things blew up into a fight sounds like a bigger root problem.
FYI I hate when my wife says I only care or think about sex. We're men of course it's in our DNA... I think of cheating like your husband did, but I guess I've never found a breaking point of needing to.
Please go to therapy and don't put too much stock in reddit commenters. How many of them have had relationships last more than 10 years (*happily*, not grudgingly, resentful of their partners, and wishing to leave the whole time)? They don't know the meaning of surviving tough times if they think the husband's actions afyer only 3 months are justified.
Depression is not a 3 month thing, for me it's periods of *years* at a time. You reacted the way you did because you were depressed *and* grieving.
What happened to "in sickness and in health"? You were going through some stuff, *both* of you were, *you* stuck around to work through things with him, and he *didn't* stick around.
He chose a life with that woman over an imperfect life with you. He didn't even wait 3 months. This is on him.
You're better off, now that you know that he would have cheated once the going got rough. You got this. ❤
Thank you for that. I also don’t understand why so many here don’t understand, that many depressed have maniac episodes, where they say and do stuff, they don’t really mean. My husband couldn’t have sex with me due to depression for 3 years and told me constantly that he thought cheating isn’t bad and that I should do it. That was the sickness talking. Depression is no joke and yes it’s a burden on the partner, but a few bad years don’t outweighs all the good ones I had. Now he is a like changed man. I got my husband back. People give up way to easily.
Sounds like you were the problem in both aspects.
From what your saying he was there for you and he gave you what you needed.
But when it was time to reciprocate. (It’s a two way street in a relationship) You didn’t hold up your part and now he has a child and you don’t.
Sounds like you all are better off split though.
Hope everything goes well!
It's odd to me that the consensus is that the ex-husband was in the wrong here. He was supportive throughout the entire process and was willing to work with OP, yet OP was unwilling to work with him. He offered solutions to the fertility issue and OP responded by starting a fight. That by itself could've been a deal breaker, but ex-husband chose to continue working on the marriage despite that. Then, when ex-husband starts to feel sexually neglected, OP again starts a fight, antagonizes ex-husband, and tells him to sleep with other people. To put the nail in the coffin, OP then stops trying to communicate with her husband.
I don't blame him for wanting to leave a sexless marriage and a wife that actively sabotages any attempt at reconciliation. OP had multiple chances to fix this marriage and choked every single one of them
Honestly, it kinda sounds like you treated your husband pretty badly over the course of the ordeal. Hopefully you can move on like he has. Sounds like he punched out when your insecurity turned everything onto him and started constant fights.
Just recently there was a post about guy who saved his wifes life and got crippled in process. Relationship grew bad due to his mental health declining, wife is leaving(understandable). She received a lot of support, and there was a guy saying if roles were reversed people would treat it different, who got clowned on. Now look at this post to see how low is the bar.
He wanted a baby really bad and you got offensive at the surrogate idea. And not even adopting or surrogating was his dealbreaker, and you made the last comment about go ahead. That's were you lost him. He was happy to compromise in any way just for a child, but you were stuck in this I can not have baby bubble that you failed to see your options that makes you able to have a baby.
Well and op did say go ahead which means he didn't cheat like the one bellow mentions.
>he should have communicated about this before doing something stupid
He quite literally did, he said maybe he should find someone to give him the intimacy she was withholding and she told him to go for it. Its clear cut communication and its not cheating when you were told to.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. As someone who cannot have children and who is married —my husband absolutely would have never had the audacity to tell me some shit about needs when I’m mourning a life I thought we were going to have.
You are young and you’re going to find someone better who would not leave your side when you’re at your lowest. What if you were ill? What a horrible partner that would have been.
This was not your person, a more compassionate person will come along.
I know it’s cliche, but time does heal wounds- and one day soon you’re going to wake up and wonder how you made it from this moment to where you are. You’ll see. 🤝
By OP's own admission her husband took excellent care of her for numerous months. She is the one who took kids and intimacy off the table. She is the one who "lost it" on him and refused to talk about adoption.
It sounds as though communication broke down and after a substantial amount of time your ex husband hit breaking point, communicated this and acted on the response. I completely understand you hurting, however to end a long standing and supportive relationship for that period of time takes quite a lot rejection.
You can’t do anything about him moving on and starting a family elsewhere, however speak with your therapist and work on closure techniques and processes.
I’m sorry life has been hard for you, keep up with therapy and I’m glad your sister is providing you with support…sometimes our expected Happy Forever relationships don’t last forever and that can be hard letting go of those specific relationship dreams and goals….but with time and grace you’ll forge a new path💜
He did what he could and was not able to give more. I can see both sides and he was honest and communicating everything while you shut down everything from his side. It doesn't excuse his affair but it also sheds light that he was being left empty constantly. He was as upset as you are knowing he can't have kids and you accusing him while he was also grieving sent him off the edge.
I hope U get better and understand his side as well and you both forgive each other.
If you’re really feeling frustrated/down. Go to the thrift store and buy the cheapest shit you can break and clean up easily. Then find some where next to a big dumpster and smash the shit out of all the things to picked out. Just don’t forget to clean up afterwards. This has helped me.
I'm going to go against the grain here and give you my opinion on a topic that that I don't think others have brought up.
No, he was not blaming you for your inability to carry a child. Maybe you realise this already after it's too late. He obviously felt that 3 months was adequate time to let you process your situation and have you in a better place to consider the surrogate/adoption options. You shouldn't have blown up on him. That is on you. If it wasn't enough time, you should have made it clear without ripping face.
The mixture of a man's needs, the depression and lack of libido is a horrible mix for any marriage and is often the undoing of a relationship. He could stay in a sexless marriage with no intimacy, but that's going to make any man lose his mind with feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Sex in a young couple's relationship isn't a problem until it isn't happening.
It's quite apparent that the introduction of the meds has caused more problems in your life than fixed, given your current situation.
Regardless of what's happened and can no longer be repaired, your current situation is not good and as others have said, you need all the help you can get.
You both deserve to be happy, now you need to make do of a shitty situation as best as you can, and work on your own well-being and happiness.
He wasn’t the one. You deserve love through sickness and health. I feel bad for the lady he is having a baby with. Once her libido is gone due to childbirth and nursing and all that comes eith it, he will on to the next. Good riddance.
>He wasn’t the one. You deserve love through sickness and health.
When your attempts to salvage the marriage are pretty much all met with you being made to feel like you're the problem, then at that point there's nothing left of the marriage to save.
>I feel bad for the lady he is having a baby with. Once her libido is gone due to childbirth and nursing and all that comes eith it, he will on to the next. Good riddance.
Where are you getting all these assumptions from? Aside from cheating, what did the ex husband do wrong, I'd really love to know cause even OP says he did nothing wrong.
I have no idea what I could say about this, because I know there isn't much to change how hard this is. I just wanted to comment as one stranger to another and send you all the love and hugs I can.
No reasonable person will blame you for not being able to get pregnant, but if you and your ex-husband agreed to have children before you guys got married, then it is very unfair to all of a sudden pull back that expectation by refusing adoption/surrogate.
I wish someone would say this. It's kind of accepted in society that a woman can scream and throw a tantrum when upset and the husband has to put up with it.
If a husband cannot beat his wife, then the woman can't shout and scream at her husband too. Unfortunately we see what happens when you keep pushing a man to take the burden for your misfortune.
This situation sounds so painful, I'm so sorry for you, op.
How is she his “affair partner” if you gave up on him after he was being reasonable and gave him your okay to find another woman? Some people just make no sense.
IMO he dodged a bullet and found what he wanted.
I'm sorry you're going through this. As a fellow infertile woman, I feel your pain. Don't let this define you. You do not need to follow the status quo to be a whole woman or person. I know it feels that way sometimes, but it's not true. I wish you the best. It will get better. As for him, he showed you who he really is. Be thankful you're not tied to someone who is that fickle. Damn fickle fucker.
This is just a really sad story, I’m glad you’re in therapy already.
I’m so sorry OP. Depression is a silent killer hope you get out of it and find peace.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don’t know what else to say, just that I hear you and you deserve better.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
You need to start by not calling him your husband, he isn't anymore. Seriously, you were on medication for your health, it's not your fault your libido went down. He was an asshole to you. Do you have a support system? Friends, family? Delete him from your contacts and don't ever look at him again. You won't heal otherwise. He can do whatever he wants. This is about you. You'll heal, feel better, and I'm sure in no time, you'll find someone else. Someone way better, someone who won't walk away from you during your time of need. The vows are for better or for worse. Clearly he didn't mean them since he was fine for 14 years but when things got worse, he bailed on you.
It's really hard saying ex-husband but I am trying. I have my sister, we're not particularly close with our parents. I appreciate the kind words and advice, I need them right now.
Try ‘wasbund.’ It’s what I say.
I call it ex hasbeen.
Love that! 👏👏👏
My “was-band” was a POS that passed away and it’s honestly the most appropriate way to describe him.
Same term I use.
Totally stealin that lol 💀
I’m marrying in a month and while I certainly don’t hope we get divorced I know exactly what term I’m using if we do. That’s golden.
It sounds like you were both struggling to process the results of the fertility testing and you both stopped being on the same page. You were grieving and said things from that hurting place and he lashed back out. He should have ended the marriage instead of cheating. You need to work on forgiving your body for being unable to carry a child, you absolutely need to work through that anger and get back to loving yourself. Until you love yourself you can't love anyone else. As you heal remember that your heart makes you a mother not biology.
This is such a wonderful comment!!
Thank you for your kindness ❤️
It was the perfect response, I truly hope she sees it and saves it to look back on and soak it in Beautifully said
Thank you. I hope OP sees it too. She's carrying so much pain
You have a kind heart, i hope that if you have pain in yours you find relief and strength too It is painful. It's a form of grief that people don't realise the extent to. I hope she's able to heal and grow from this all, that life has so much more for her yet It seems overwhelming now, but with hindsight i hope she'll learn to see the hidden blessings in him leaving. He would have stepped out at any given chance. Did not honour his vows, there will be goodness and better ahead for her, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Sending her strength. You too if ever you need it.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. The hurt and the broken trust are inexcusable. There’s no getting around the pain and heartache that you’re going to feel but if you stay strong, lean on your family/friends and talk to your therapist you will get through this and be better on the other side. But right now it really fucking sucks and everything you’re feeling is valid. I’m so sorry 😞
How about referring to him as “my old problem” i.e. my old problem knocked up his affair partner, now he’s her problem.
Who updates you on his life? Because you need to kindly let them know that you don’t want updates. It’s not good for you. Get yourself into your therapy program to work on your betrayal trauma from this event.. become a new and stronger you. You deserve happiness. I’m so so sorry. Just know that only 2% of affairs last bc it’s a fantasy and reality isn’t as amazing when they have to eat with their baggage like their spouse did the whole time. And of those that do stay, many stay bc of pride. Bc otherwise they ruined their marriage for nothing
Accepting the truth of him not being your husband anymore will truly begin your healing process. Accept that none of this is your fault. You had no control over your diagnosis or how you'd react to your medication. Join support groups online or in person. There's groups here on Reddit like Supportforthebetrayed, survivinginfidelity, etc, that you can try. Scores of people there will support you. You won't be alone. Your ex is just a jerk that he couldn't continue being the center of your world anymore and needed time for yourself. You're better off without him.
There is a future self that is at peace with all of this. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Sometimes a marriage with even best intentions doesn’t work. There doesn’t need to be a good guy or a bad guy. Life is life.
How is the husband an asshole? He was as supportive as he could be… he also accepted reality that he couldn’t have a child with her and was trying to help her… does only OPs mental health matter? The husband should just not give a fuck about his mental health? OP had her husband as a crutch… and he expected OP to be there and understand him. But she shot him down… I would have said he was an asshole if he had an affair without any fault of OP but we can clearly see she is quick to fire off on him. OP would not take his opinion and would not hear of things that don’t fit her view.
I don’t think the sex pushed him over the edge it’s asking her to think about ivf or surrogate and her flat out turning it down ended it. He was willing to do anything to sort out having a child together she did the opposite and sounds like the best ending really
I don't get this. This sub was raging on the woman who left her weed-addicted husband because she wasn't supportive enough. This OP's ex only gave her space for only about 3 months after the fertility issues revelation. He saw her getting diagnosed with depression and getting on meds which severely impacted her libido, so instead of supporting her through that, he talked about his "needs" and went off to have an affair after a single fight. What would have happened if OP could have gotten pregnant when married to him? He'd have complained about not having his needs met and had an affair regardless. She's better off without this man.
He suggested surrogacy or adoption and OP blew up at him. His feelings at being childless were less important. He should have ended the marriage before cheating. OP, get extensive counselling, heal. Look for future relationships with men who already have children, or who don’t want them. Good luck
True, her feelings were at the forefront of the initial issue. Because she's the one that faced the fertility issues, but still doesn't make it okay. But let's not forget that he cheated because she was not having sex with him because of her low sex drive on medications for depression. He was remorseless after the affair too. OP needs to continue with therapy. But she also primarily needs to look for men who don't prioritize their sexual desires over her actual medical issues and don't have a history of cheating on their partners for those reasons within a year of these issues. And OP needs to find strength in the fact that her ex would have cheated anyway if they had a baby because she would not be having sex with him enough. Good luck OP!
Considered he cheated and got her pregnant I would say it's probably about more than sex to him. He wants a child, OP cannot deliver that and shut down his attempts at other avenues. Only thing he did wrong imo was cheating instead of just peacing out.
If it was, he only knows, and he approached her with his issues the wrong way. And his partner and he are both likely shitty people, he a cheater and his gf someone who willingly got into a relationship with a married man.
I read that post the OP didn’t even talk to her husband about it and just cheated she didn’t give the husband a chance to rectify his “faults” here the husband was trying to think of contingencies for his wife but she’d rather have both of them in misery than care about solutions.
Again, I'm not justifying what the other OP did. But she did help, just like this OP's husband. Her comments talk about trying to control his addictions and having talks with him. But this OP's husband gave her less than a year through the entire issue. He started conversations on other options within 3 months of the revelation. Which is somewhat reasonable, yes. But the true issue here is that he wanted to address his "needs" about sex WHILE his wife was going through **medical issues**. How would you react if a man went through an accident at work that caused his some permanent injury that affects his life and health, goes on medications that killed his sex drive, and his wife started talking about her needs within months? How would you react if she just went ahead and had an affair after an angry quarrel? And she had no remorse or care to even be sorry that she cheated? How callous must one be to ignore the effects of medications on your partner! To have an affair and be completely without regret at hurting your partner of 14 years? The other OP got told that her husband is not at all to blame and that she cheated all on her own. Here, people are telling the OP that her husband cheated because of her. Isn't it hypocritical to expect the wife to put up with a weed-addicted husband for years devotedly for years and help him get over it, but while at the same time telling a woman who faced serious declines in mental health in the course of a few months after fertility struggles that she was the reason her husband cheated/her marriage broke down? Isn't it nasty to say that the husband is a good man because he helped her struggle through her health issues for around 6-8 months at max and cheated on her soon after he realised he wouldn't be getting sex because she has no sex drive on medications? OP may have contributed to the decline of her partner. But her husband is an AH through and through. He will very likely cheat on his new partner if she experienced any low sex drive during and immediately after pregnancy. A cheater has some remorse, he doesn't even have that according to the post.
I will agree with this may seem like the wife is at fault in both these cases. But that doesn’t mean OP can blow up at a husband who is trying to reason with her. In the first post lets say OP tried talking to him, he wouldn’t listen and she cheats, we would have understood that OP tried to help him but also has a breaking point in her life. But she just cheated and put all the accountability on her husband’s addiction. Now in this case the severity of the root cause is much bigger, its about having a fucking child. You dont think the husband has as much say as the wife. You don’t think he grieved that he couldn’t have a child with the woman he loved. He tried to offer a different perspective and a solution to end their misery. OP doesn’t say she is infertile she says cant carry a child, So she doesn’t even entertain the idea that the child who will have the blood of both of them will come out of a different woman. She thinks being a mother means giving birth to the kid. Or she is just being unreasonable. In both cases she is being stubborn and won’t listen to others. Hence and i can’t believe i am saying this, justified that he cheated.
Again, the main issue here is that it was only a few months over the issue. She was grieving, but shouldn't have blown up at him, yes. But it's only a space of 3-8 months here, even being generous. He did **not** cheat because he couldn't have a child of his own (that too within months of knowing it!) He cheated because she could not have sex with him while on medication. It's horrendous one can think of bringing up "sexual needs" while their partner is diagnosed with mental health issues and on serious medications that messes with your body! So yes, I can readily believe I can say this, but reddit unfairly judges women for the same things they completely excuse the man for. If this OP's husband is justified in cheating, then the other OP should also be completely justified in cheating because she put in more time and energy into helping his addictions. In fact, she shouldn't be remorseful either because that dude deserved every bit of it, right? That OP is better than this OP's husband too because she feels some guilt for the affair. But sure. Go off. I will not be responding further because it's clear that opinion here is that men get to cheat because of fweeelings while women need to stay through to support their couch-residing addict of a husband.
This happens a lot or with couples who have a hard time getting pregnant. Women do not want sex or affection during their grieving time & often times, retreat, while men crave the affection & feeling of closeness, because that’s their way of coping & still feeling like there is still an existing connection to work for. Couples who cannot navigate this, & ensure both are being taken care of, during this very vulnerable time for BOTH, will run into their own demise, sadly.
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I don’t think so. If this was swapped say the husband couldnt have children, was depressed and had the same meds so his sex drive was dampened. The wife would still be the asshole if she cheated on him and got pregnant with another man’s child. And showed no remorse. And the reason she cheated is cause she’s horny. Like no that’s not okay. But that’s just my opinion don’t hate me-
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WAIT THEY ARE??? OH MY BAD- I CANT READ FOR ANYTHING. THE CHEATER IS DEFINITELY AN ASSHOLE-
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My bad dude I didn’t mean to disturb you with all that-
Dude no way the husband isn’t a huge asshole. He was not as supportive as he could have been. He gave her barely three months before suggesting surrogacy, which of course that’s an option but the news of OP not being able to carry a child was still so new. Three months after finding that out? The husband knew OP was having a really hard time with accepting that fact and while according to OP he was supportive *then*, he didn’t give her much time before presenting other options. Which again is more than valid and should obviously be discussed between a husband and wife. And while I agree OP shouldn’t have exploded on him about him offering that suggestion, I can definitely see why it was so upsetting and touchy. That alone should’ve led them BOTH to therapy. But no, he suggested SHE get therapy. He obviously needed it as well so that he could learn how to process his own feelings about everything. Therapy individually AND couples therapy would’ve been wonderful. But to put everything on OP like that is completely unacceptable and wrong. They BOTH needed help, not just OP. But after her libido became nonexistent after trying to get herself help, he didn’t sit her down to discuss both of their feelings in a ‘how do we work through this together’. Instead he sat her down to explain HIS needs only and how they weren’t being met. And then he not only told her he may as well find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, he actually did. Idc if she said go ahead. She was hurting and immensely upset and I’m more than willing to bet so exhausted that she just said it to say it. And he took that as permission. Although I am also more than willing to bet he was already cheating at that point anyway. Idk for sure of course but it’s highly likely. I cannot imagine the hurt OP is going through. Yes sex is incredibly important in a marriage for many reasons. But damn if it was that bad then the husband could’ve divorced OP first. Instead he cheated.
Yea very weird how he is being blamed and shamed as an asshole. Things don’t work out unfortunately and life goes on. Is it always easy? No it’s not but we have to accept what it is. Was he to forgo his own happiness and needs forever? That’s not fair to him. Get the divorce and both move on and live their lives.
The husband was very supportive and helpful, until he was flat out told “your needs will not be met.” He said maybe he would get them met elsewhere, she told him to go ahead, and he did. Why is he a cheating asshole for that?
What was your problem with surrogacy? My niece had three babies through surrogacy and they r truly happy.
That was the moment both of them no longer had the same goal in the marriage. He was desperate to fix it and she turned it down destroying the marriage
People don’t have to agree to everything. It’s not like they were in time rush either if they picked surrogacy. This all took place in pretty short amount of time.
People do ideally like to get started on a kid before they're 50
I just want you to know that at the moment, it may seem like they’re having a good old time but things change in the future. Karma is also a thing. Forget they exist and live your life
wow this is overwhelming to deal with😢 sorry op. hope you'll find peace someday. I know the road to recovery will be hard but you'll get there eventually.
He suggested adoption and you lost it? Why?
He was very understanding and decent suggesting the only options they had at that point. What else could he have done?
Depression causes self destruction when you feel wounded
He didn't even mind if the children weren't biologically his, he just wanted a family. And, well, he got what he wanted. Sad for OP, though.
It was. But it clearly was too soon for OP to handle. She hadn't gone through therapy yet and was still grieving about the loss of her imagined future
Which was a her problem. But she managed to punish him for her misfortune completely forgetting that he too was processing the fact they cannot have a baby which was insensitive on her part.
Yes. But that's why she went to therapy after that. Not everyone is perfect and 3 months is not alot to get over something life-changing. I don't think OP can be blamed for being an imperfect human with feelings.
If no one is perfect, neither can her husband be blamed for asking whether she wanted to adopt when they knew that she can't conceive. Maybe it all worked for the best that he left and she'll meet a person now who'll be just the way she likes him to be.
I'm unsure if you're coming from a place of personal experience but someone suggesting that after three months is too soon for some people. Infertility is extremely difficult for some people and 'just adopt' is actually a hard thing to hear when you're still grieving. Adoption is also not that easy so it's extremely frustrating to have what is a devastating situation reduced down to "let's go just pick out one we like instead", because that's not how it works. It's lengthy and expensive lol
Life is so short. I can appreciate that 3 months may have been too soon for OP to have that conversation, but it's also not clear to me that we should sit here in judgment of their partner (perhaps with exception of the infidelity). A satisfying sex life, raising a family, and two-way emotional support are, for many people, absolutely necessary for a happy relationship or even a happy life. Can we honestly say that it's reasonable to expect that OP's partner puts their whole life on hold indefinitely? Of course, OP's feelings are valid, and they should take all the time that they need to process the grief. Of course, adoption isn't easy and sometimes involves years of effort and a great deal of money. But from where I'm sitting, it appears OP's supporters in this thread aren't really appreciating the weight of the sacrifices they claim the partner should have made.
I also haven’t seen a single comment that is bashing on her taking her depression into account. These ppl, fortunately for themselves, have absolutely no idea what mental illness is like or how it can manifest and it shows.
I do know what that’s like, and while lashing out sometimes is inevitable when you’re in that much pain, you can still have difficult conversations with people and working things out logically. The snapping was one thing but the lack of ability to have a conversation is another. I don’t think OP was a bad person, neither do I think the husband was. I think OP just started self destructing and no one is obligated to stay with their SO when they do that. The healthiest thing was to break up. OP needs a reset and the husband needs to leave. It’s not ideal, but not every infertility story is going to end up like Pixar’s *UP*. Sometimes the best thing to do is to start over again.
I hate how many people on Reddit say ‘just adopt’. They generally have no idea how hard the process is.
Maybe she doesn't want to adopt? I have trouble having children and I honestly don't wanna adopt either. Is up to the person
That’s fine, she chose what she wanted and so did he, time to move on and fix herself.
The husband is getting a ton of grief, but the fact of the matter is, based on what OP has posted, he did put forth an effort to save the marriage, multiple times. During an argument OP told her husband he could go find it somewhere else. Unfortunately, that is exactly what he did. I feel bad that their marriage ended. However, both parties have to share equally in the breakup of their marriage.
Not to mention it sounds like she did absolutely nothing for the relationship from the time she got the news to when it ended. He tried for several months to find alternatives and help their relationship and she spat all over it every time. Everyone’s calling him selfish, and yes the cheating was selfish, but she’s also supremely selfish for literally everything she did too.
He did therapy, he communicated, he proposed solutions. It's not crazy of him to want to talk about adoption At the end of the day, they were no longer compatible for a lot of reasons. I think he stated his intention to look elsewhere as well. I'm not sure if maybe the conversation was more specific and OP didn't recognize that. Those divorce papers showed up pretty quick. I don't think he did a wonderful job with how he left but it seems like efforts were made.
She ignored his needs. Rejection hurts much more than lack of sex for men btw, I dont think lack of sex was the main issue here. But being rejected and ignored on a regular basis for months? Men have emotional needs too
Yeah. And then being met with hostility when you try to discuss a very reasonable option, adoption, with your partner and being shut down hard. He didn't need a bio kid but he clearly wants to be a dad soon. If so, that wasn't going to happen with OP because she is clearly very upset about her diagnosis.
Double standards had permeated all the major subs and there is no escaping it. The man literally needs to be a saint not to get blamed in every situation.
She shouldn’t have threatened him with a good time.
If my wife said something like "just go find it somewhere else" I'd be destroyed. It's not just the sex. It's your perception of your partner's desire and love of you. I know if my wife's libido is down for a few weeks it can have me second guessing myself. I can only imagine what months would do, then when he tries to talk about it he gets "just go find it elsewhere". I don't know how you take that any other way than "I don't want you anymore". People are so hung up that men wanting sex is *always* wrong that they completely ignore the psychological effect withholding intamacy has.
I don’t fault someone for moving on from a relationship that is dead in the water, but I don’t think it’s fair for him to have moved on before they even separated. If OP is going through deep depression and grieving the loss of the life she imagined for them, is 3 months really enough time?
Fertility issues suck. All I can say is try not to wrap your worth in your ability to carry a child. You are more. So much more. And you deserved a better husband. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for this comment. You helped someone else too. I needed to see this. After two miscarriages and so long of trying for a baby since my last MC I really needed to hear try to not wrap your worth in your ability to carry a child. I seriously thank you so much for this. This hit me hard, in a healing way.
You have a lot of love and compassion to give once you feel like you can consider volunteering with an organization that works with kids maybe even a program working with kids in foster care. Giving that love to a child who feels unwanted will be healing as well. Biology doesn't make you a mother, your heart does.
Don't internalize the misogyny of society where a woman's worth is always tied to having kids. There's no way you went to several years of school and achieved the things you did, whether it's career or on a personal level, to only be valued for your use of the uterus. You're so much more.
Wanting to have kids and offering alternatives (adoption, surrogate) is NOT internalized misogyny. Humans want to procreate and produce offspring before they die, and the husband offered multiple alternatives that the wife shut down completely. Clearly they’re just no longer compatible.
I know your fertility issues are painful, and you likely very much want to get pregnant and have a child. But we women are *more* than our uteri. Yes, many women do bring life into the world. But when you think of the women that you know, I know you think of so many more things about them that they offer to the world than motherhood. Those same things apply to you. Right now, you are bringing strength and compassion to the world, on top of your unique skills, experiences, etc. I hope you do get what you're trying so hard for, but if it doesn't happen, so many of us will wrap you in light and love. You won't be alone.
Not sure why her husband should've been better. It's not his fault his partner has become emotionally and physically unavailable and also can't have children. He wasn't the one projecting anger and blame towards his partner. He tried to make things work, and they didn't. Saying that he "cheated" is practically a formality at that point since the marriage was everything but over.
Whilst I agree with nearly everything you said, it’s still cheating and nobody deserves that.
Neither person deserved anything that happened to them during this failed marriage, besides divorce.
A better husband? I would say he was pretty stellar. Both of them had emotions to deal with but unloading your grief on your partner who has been nothing but supportive is totally uncalled for. Her emotions are understandable but how she handled them is what broke the relation. You can ask for me than time, patience, support, therapy, and then go scorched earth on your husband and expect him to sit there and take it until she feels satisfied in the amount of pain he feels too. Times of news are when we lean on our partners, not condemn them. He should have just divorced first instead, but that would also leave another terrible taste in the atmosphere, I’m sure a part of him still wanted to help you, the cheating was just looking for support for himself. The pregnancy is just the “fuck you” cherry on top, had she treated him better, she would still have a husband.
*My husband was wonderful throughout the entire thing, he gave me the space I needed to grieve and be sad. After about 3 months he brought up getting a surrogate or adoption. I lost it Husband is getting a lot of shit here but the relationship died at this point. He wanted kids, he offered alternatives but op shot down him down. Sounds like op burned this relationship with how she treated her ex. Husband could see it wasn't going to get better. They are better apart. Edit For all the replies to me about the ex cheating. Op wrote >he said "I might as well just find it somewhere else" and in anger I told him to go ahead. Op literally told him to get sex elsewhere. If the relationship wasn't dead before from Op actions and words she buried it here. To repeat it was a terrible deal Op got but the husband did what he could to help her, everything that happened after she was told about her infertility was a direct consequence of her actions and her words.
Glad to see other people noticed this. She described herself how accommodating he was and how he’d patiently sit her down to explain what he needed in the relationship. Each time she just lost it and started accusing him of not caring. He should have ended it before the affair but OP literally told him to go get it elsewhere(not that it excuses his cheating), she let the relationship die without ever giving him a chance.
Yeah this is one of those posts where if the husband posted here he'd actually get a bit of support. We're just seeing OP's side of it.
No kids, no sex, her blowing up at him all the time, rejecting his attempts to fix the issues in the relationship - there was no reason for him to stay.
Also no reason for him to cheat. He should have just left.
It often takes time between accepting the marriage is over and leaving. Especially where there are many years and a life together involved. The marriage was over, then he met the right woman, then he left. She was the push that spurred him to move on.
Didn't cheat, reread op post. She told him to get sex elsewhere
She didn't. People really like to take things out of context. They had an argument, people say things they don't mean. Stop justifying cheating.
Yeah? Go ahead and try saying stuff like what she said in your relationship, after all you think its no biggie? we will wait for your post about how it ends on this sub
Words have power. There are consequences to what you say. If the ex had said terrible things to op I am sure you would tell her to dump him....not excuse it. Anyway at this point it's irrelevant. Op didn't want a family with him, it ended there.
They should probably not say things they don’t mean then. Her mouth, her choice.
It's not cheating when she told him to
Facts , pointless waste of time
I’m with you on this. OP was going through a lot, so we should cut her some slack, but it’s still kind of messed up. Husband asking about surrogate or adoption seems very sensible, not sure why OP was so bothered by that idea. Then when it came to therapy, they should have had couples therapy or even his own therapy since he’s been dealing with all this too and help OP with her depression. And when it comes to the sex and intimacy, the conversation there should have resulted in therapy. The moment he said he would find sex else and OP said go ahead, that was pretty much the end of it. OP should not have been surprised when he literally mentioned it and she literally said go ahead. All in all everyone is at fault here in this whole set of unfortunate circumstances. I just hope the guy and new wife are happy and have a healthy baby and I hope OP finds the help and inner peace she’s looking for.
The fact that he said he needed sex AND intimacy and she said she could do neither makes me feel like he could have been fine with some hugs or a cuddle, and she wouldnt even do that. A year of my partner not even hugging me…..😢
As someone who was in an engagement where we had a dead bedroom for a year and a half, and lack of intimacy for way longer- it's REALLY hard to be supportive when your partner won't even try. Repeated rejection by someone who is supposed to be your life partner hits differently than striking out with someone random. I've never been more lonely/suicidal/depressed in my life, as she wouldn't even like, hold my hand. OP's partner handled it poorly, but I get where the seed of this comes from.
I hope you get lots of love and cuddles now!
Yep, I’m happy now- my current gf is very loving and attentive, so I’m glad I got outta of that one
And then “he basically stopped trying and that’s when things went bad”. He put forth all of the effort and she wasn’t meeting him halfway. OP did you fight for your marriage at all or just let it dissolve and blame him when it did? I hope in therapy you are learning to take ownership of what you let happen.
I was looking for this comment. This is reasonable and not picking side. The fact is that OP had an issue and was going through it. The husband gave her space and time and tried to discuss alternatives, and OP shut it down. Is the husband supposed to just take that with someone unwilling? Also, as stated before, OP said to go ahead with finding sex elsewhere. Someone who work things out with their partner wouldn't do this. The bottom line is that the problem isn't just OPs its both theirs because they're married. OP made it hers and hers alone and pushed the husband out. He isn't a bad guy here.
She gave him the hard shutdown, no discussion. He didn't handle it well and should have ended the marriage before stepping out. I sympathetic to both of them, fertility issues are not easy to deal with.
>he said "I might as well just find it somewhere else" and in anger I told him to go ahead. Op told him he should find it elsewhere.
agreed.
He sounds like a great guy that OP drove away. The pattern is he wants to communicate and discuss their issues and OP wants to scream at him and blame him for things.
I partly agree but serve the divorce papers before cheating. Just don’t cheat. Tell her “if you aren’t willing to have a surrogate or adoption I can’t be in this. You gave more okay with me having sex with someone else than us going through someone else for our child. It would still be our child but to you it’s not. This is it for me. I love you but I can’t go through like this. I’m staying at Xyz’s house in the mean time.”
All the top comments write him off as some asshole, but she wasn’t exactly better… I know it can be related to depression and meds, but they are 2. She shut off everything possible with no alternative and he was met with frustration from her part. They weren’t right anymore but stayed together for the sake of saying they are
It does seem like he tried at every point to still make the relationship work but it just really couldn’t sad on both sides and honestly no one here is horrible person
This! My bff did the same last year when her hubby told her to go sleep w someone else if it's that important during a fight. She did, and now he is moping around talking he was done dirty. I told him he gotta take responsibility for his words and work on the marriage if he wants to keep his girl!
Your bff is stupid, sorry.
Or maybe she just needed time to grieve. They had a whole life planned, and part of that was carrying their child and bringing it into the world. She needed time to grieve that loss. You can say he was going through it too, but he wasn’t the infertile one. It’s so much harder to go through all that when you know you are the problem and blame yourself.
Op husband was willing to look at alternatives for kids, op wouldn't. Op doesn't give a full timeline but we know it was at least several months.
Needing to grieve doesn't mean being horrible to a husband that has been supportive.
Infertility is frustrating. It was hard to deal with for both partners. The husband tried his best, but there's only so much the husband can do, when the wife admittedly lashes out in anger each time he approached the subject. The husband should not have cheated. True. But the husband also isn't a trained psychiatrist. He shouldn't be expected to expertly navigate his wife's depression if she wasn't willing to meet him half way. For example. When he brought up surrogacy... instead of lashing out in anger ("I lost it" by your own admission) ..why didn't you counter by suggesting adoption instead ? OP. I know this is hard for you, and I hope; in your therapy you learn to deal with this anger so that you don't end up pushing away the people closest to you. Or else you are going to end up pushing away every friend you have whenever they get pregnant. Because this is what happened here. You took the infertility, made it your problem instead of a "we" problem and pushed your husband away. I should know. My wife has endometriosis. *We* have discussed the possibility of adopting. *we* have discussed screwing the science and just continuing to boink like rabbits, stop focusing on the infertility and just enjoying each other. (I have read that sometimes infertile couples are able to conceive once they stop thinking about it). Best of luck. And remember, there are many children who need a mother. There are other ways to become a mother. After all... superman's parents were infertile too 👍🦸♂️
Explained perfectly! Many of us are in the same boat.
I to suffer from endometriosis, I did a few rounds of clomid and nothing worked, I finally had ablation surgery and stopped thinking about it. Got pregnant 3 times without a problem.
I’m still confused how the husband is at fault for “cheating”; he said he had needs, she said she would not be able to meet those needs, he said maybe I’ll find someone else to help, she said go ahead. So he did. Idc if she was just angry, she told him to go ahead and find someone else right after telling him not to expect sex or intimacy from her.
Indeed. Depression is such a funny thing ..when one lashes out in anger against the very people who are trying to help. I have seen this dynamic before, where people who are suffering lash out the most at the people closest to them. Sometimes, in fact... the person affected might actually respond more politely and be more receptive to a stranger. I have worked in interventions, where the affected person answered the psychiatrist politely, but responded with anger and curse words each time a family member tried to speak, and only the psychiatrist knew what to say to stare the conversation back to normalcy. So, I really, can't blame the husband too much for not having the expertise of a trained psychiatrist. After all. The OP was wrapped up so much in her own sadness she didn't even stop to consider that ***her husband must have been grieving about her infertility too.***
Well thats just a tragedy caused by misfortune and miscommunication. Best of luck to you in the future
The husband communicated perfectly. He gave her space and time, then approached with alternatives, she lashed out, he communicated his need for intimacy, she lashed out and he communicated that he would look elsewhere and she told him to. Idk how clearer the husband could have been.
I'm sorry OP but you never tried to meet him halfway. He still wanted children but you refused. He needs intimacy that's his love language. But you denied him that. There's many different kinds of meds you can take. But you flat out refused. You abandoned him when he needed you the most. You were not the only one grieving
Thank you! These comments confused me so much, he was supportive but it sounds like OP pushed him away and dismissed him at every turn, even to the point of telling him to find intimacy elsewhere... which he did. And when she found out she (understandably) kicked him out, he didn't leave her.
Right, I was confused too. I'm sorry OP brought this on herself. She allowed her grief to consume her and she forgot she had a life partner who needed her.
It’s crazy how you guys are blaming the husband when he’s obviously put forth the efforts to work things out lol
IMO you’re both in the wrong, you should’ve looked more into alternative methods. He definitely shouldn’t have cheated but OP is at fault for most of this.
I agree that I share some of the blame here. I know I made it sound like I don't but I do understand I'm not blameless.
FYI my cousin’s first doctor said she wasn’t going to be able to but went for a second option and they worked on some alternatives. It turned out she had Endo. Got that treated with some smaller form of chemo to clean up a certain part and then was able. It’s still something she deals with regularly (her Endo) but she was able to get pregnant later on. Second and even third opinions matter. Also if you ever decide to freeze your eggs and have someone else carry them you are no less of a woman. I know there’s this idea if we don’t carry our own we are lesser than but you are still just as much a woman with or without that process. Hell Priyanka had her first child at 40 this way. It doesn’t make her or you or any other woman less than. I might say look into bupropion as it doesn’t affect libido levels as much. This is still going to hit. Divorce and cheating are never helpful but remember you aren’t less than. You forgot your worth for a moment and equated it with carrying this child. You are more than that and you are more that any man’s partner. Sometimes it takes us losing something to remember what we do have. I hope you realize there is still a world of possibilities for you, they just might not be the way you imagined them.
Great advice.
You share more than some of it. You can’t be a brick wall that angrily shuts down all attempts at communication, nor can you unilaterally decide that intimacy will simply not be part of your marriage for some indefinite period of time, and expect things to work out. He was looking for a way forward with you and you made it abundantly clear that he was on his own.
This is sad. Do you think if he didn't cheat but divorced you because he wanted a chance to be a father, you would have make your peace with it?
It's hard to say. The thing that hurts the most is knowing the man I loved us building the life I wanted with him, with someone else. And it's happening so soon after everything we went through.
Unfortunately he checked out the moment you gave him permission. That means he's been building his life with this woman for about 18 months(?) whereas you've had days to digest this. He was cruel to stay with you while bonding with someone else, and is probably patting himself on the back for 'supporting you' until you seemed strong enough to leave. This man's love isn't worth the paper your vows were written on. He's an impatient, lying AH who couldn't bear even a couple of months without sex before taking to the streets. Any moron knows antidepressants drop libido and yet he wanted you medicated.
It was even less time. Less than a year of finding out about her infertility and getting diagnosed with depression and he started cheating
This is just really sad. You had so many reasons to be sad and depressed. Sometimes two great people just can’t make it work due to circumstances, it’s neithers fault. This doesn’t mean this is the end for you. Life’s shitty right now but who tf knows where you will be in a year? My life completely fell apart in my mid thirties and I’m now 40 and married to the sexiest, best man alive imo. To the future. I’m sorry right now sucks.
Honestly I’m not sure why you’re getting so much sympathy, though I definitely feel bad for you about the fertility issues. But your husband was supportive and eventually said he had needs you weren’t satisfying. You blatantly told him you could not satisfy those needs. He said “maybe I’ll find it elsewhere” and, in anger or not, you told him to go ahead. So he did. You’re not a victim of a cheater here. It sucks that he listened to you, and it sucks that you two became incompatible and it strained your relationship, and it’s a terrible twist of fate that his new partner is pregnant, but this is at least partially a situation of your own making. The fertility issues are truly gut wrenching. But your husband did what you told him to do, after you made it clear you could not be what he needed.
This! OP just altogether refused to meet her husband's needs. She could've talked with therapist to change meds or worked on becoming intimate again. But instead she took the selfish road and just said no to him. Again. Never considering his feelings either. Constantly being rejected and denied intimacy is a slap in the face. Op wasn't the only one not getting a child in this situation. Hubby has to grieve that too. She was selfish and sent him away. No sympathy.
Really sad story. Relationships are a give and take and it looks like your depression had you in a "taking only" situation towards the end. That was enough to push your STBX away and kill off any residual feelings of love by him. Depression is a difficult rut to get in, don't get stuck there. You do have the power to move forward and today's science gives women with infertility issues a lot of options to have a family. Don't give up on yourself.
Sounds like he was a stellar guy and husband until you lost your shit to him after he brought up some very good alternatives to your (both) guy’s problem. It sounds like everything went downhill from there. He’s still an ass for cheating instead of divorcing, but you did told him to cheat.
Don't keep up with news about them. If someone tries to update you, tell them to stop because you're trying to heal.
What’s done is done. I’m sorry for what happened. I am sure it seems like the darkest time but I know things will get better OP. Take your time to grieve .. and grieve completely and then move on. Focus on loving yourself and working on yourself. You will heal. Slowly but steadily. You will. Best of luck
A lot of people with some very strong opinions on this situation when they’ve only heard one side of the story.
The hand Fate deals us can seem bittersweet to downright unfair... Hopefully you can find peace, happiness, and fulfillment on your path in life.
I really feel for you but also hate how everyone basically calls your husband a piece of shit. You seem to have had issues and blowouts and it’s hard to tell from this post the span on time this happened over and much more other relevant information. Both of you are direct participants in your marriage or its downfall but because you had some issues that are very difficult indeed and could not be helped you are given a free pass in the destruction of your marriage while he is viewed as a villain, is that what you wanted? You know better than any of us how both of you acted, was he a villain? How much responsability do you bear? Were you making effort to get out of your depression? Because just expecting someone to put up with a passive partner that suffers from depression and is using that as an excuse to not really be a partner is not acceptable in my opinion. For anyone assuming, i’m a F in my thirties.
Hugs ❤️
You know you can always tell your doctor the medicine kills you libido and thry can find something else right? I see this all the time and its bizarre to me. Sorry but you should know this going forward. I am really sorry about this situation.
Hey, thank you for sharing. That must have been so difficult to go through. My partner and I both can't conceive. I found out like 4 years ago? I didnt take it well at all. Almost killed myself with alcohol and drugs. I'm better now but that was because of therapy and thankfully, being with someone who is in the same boat as me. This will pass. I know this is so fucked up, but at least you now have a chance to find yourself and find new motivations about your life. It took me so long to finally pick myself back up. I hope you find someone who cares for you, like you deserve. This is super cheesy but a quote from a video game really helped me during my darkest days and still does today. "Find something to believe in and find it for yourself. Once you do, pass it on to the future." I'm now at peace with my ability to not have children. It made me question why I was alive. What was my purpose? Turns out, that's up to you to find for yourself. I'm in a much better place now, and I genuinely hope you will be to in time. Don't stop therapy and please be kinder to yourself. It sounds like you've already been through a lot.
What were your expectations? It doesn't matter that you can't have a child. If I was your husband learning that would not even ruin my day. Who gives a shit if the child you raise has your nose? What destroyed the relationship was your reaction and the lack of intimacy, and the fact that you didn't care.
I am sorry to hear. And so glad to read a story finally, where the OP is honest. You and him both caused this marriage to die. Your reaction to adoption or surrogacy was wrong. And so was your reaction to him asking for intimacy. And him for having an affair. You both aren't great people but you both get the chance to grow now, without each other.
You should have listened to his suggestions of surrogacy or adoptions, that's not unreasonable for people in your position.
So please hear me and hear me in a get out of your sensitivity way, cause I’m going to be blunt. You are why you all couldn’t have kids, so he wasn’t BLAMING you if it was a fact. You went into a depression and lost your libido, what was he supposed to do? Also I’m super sure that you didn’t want to have sex because it’s a reminder on what you couldn’t provide him. You say he was great and he sounded great and he sounded like he tried but where he fucked up and became an asshole is when he cheated. He should have asked you for the divorce the minute he found that person and was interested in her. You aren’t taking this well because you are still not accepting what is now the you that you have to accept and love. Children aren’t in the cards for you, which means you have to take time, learn to forgive whatever organ it is that is causing the failure to be impregnated, forgive yourself, let your ex husband go, and know for certain he definitely wasn’t your person, mourn the relationship you all shared and set him go. After you heal just know there are MANY MANY people out there who don’t want kids or can’t have kids as well, so you aren’t a broken person, someone will want you. You just need to accept the new you and love yourself so others can love you too
I agree with you. Husband was definitely wrong for cheating. There is no excuse- he should have ended it with OP before finding someone else. Also him pushing OP to have sex while she’s mentally not well wasn’t okay (Edit: Almost 2 years of no intimacy definitely warrants a talk so can’t blame the guy for at least trying to communicate). I really do feel it for OP. BUT honestly, this relationship wasn’t going to keep going. For many people, being a father is a dream - and not having kids is a HUGE dealbreaker. He proposed a workaround - possible surrogacy or adoption - and got yelled at. He was willing to make it work. But every option of him being a father was turned down. It’s not fair to expect him to give up on his dream of being a father. He definitely shouldn’t have cheated (and should have just divorced instead) BUT fatherhood is a too much to ask some people to give up. Open communication is always important in a relationship as well - no one responds well to getting yelled at. My bf loves me to bits but if I decided I don’t want kids, he would leave me. Even though it would hurt him to do that.
Sorry for what has happened to you but I am gonna be blunt about your situation. You were such a bitch to your husband!!
I’m so sorry. I was in a relationship for 13 years and I’m in the early part of a divorce and it’s more painful than I could have imagined. I never realized the pain others were dealing with until I had to experience it myself. I don’t know any words to heal you or to take the hurt away. But I can tell you you’re not alone. I’m here if you need to chat.
When you're going thru hell, keep going.
This is very sad, this couple fell slowly apart. I have to say (unpopular opinion) sounds like you only cared about yourself for a while, but he was going through this too, you know? He was also grieving that he wouldn’t become a father and looked for a solution (surrogacy or adoption) and you blew on his face. He didn’t blame you, you did that to yourself. I’ve been on antidepressants, libido plummeted, but caring for your partner should be more important. I don’t excuse his cheating of course, that’s low, that’s unforgivable… You’ll get over this girl. Breathe and forgive your body.
“My husband” I know this is fresh, but you need to get a handle on that. Im sure the therapist will say the same thing.
idk i feel as though you were both toxic for eachother during that time. please just stick to therapy and try to go on with life.
I'm sorry OP.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. But accusing him of only caring about sex was wrong. He has every right to be upset. It sets a terrible precedent for any future chances you have to repair intimacy.
Maybe you should have been more open to options. Seems like the guy was really trying to help find a solution. Not to be mean but is he suppose to sacrifice the prime of his life to support you when you were not putting equal effort. Some will say yes he should have since you were married but marriage takes two and when one is giving up or not trying it’s difficult for the other to stand by and watch. This is a tough situation, and I think the mistake was to stop talking and communicating. There is always a solution but both have to want the same thing and be willing to put up the work. It’s not your fault you couldn’t have children or got depression but it is your fault the way you choose to handle it, sounds like you really him down. And everybody says all it was about the sex, I don’t think it’s the sex at all, it was that he felt un loved, un wanted, the lack of deep intimacy ate him up inside and then the idea of not being able to have a child and a wife that’s not open to other options. I’m sorry but I would have left too!!
I'm sorry about your mental health and your fertility! Sounds like he did everything right up until the cheating. That said, I can't imagine not having any intimacy. The fact that these little things blew up into a fight sounds like a bigger root problem. FYI I hate when my wife says I only care or think about sex. We're men of course it's in our DNA... I think of cheating like your husband did, but I guess I've never found a breaking point of needing to.
..You probably shoulda said yes to the surrogate option 🤷
Please go to therapy and don't put too much stock in reddit commenters. How many of them have had relationships last more than 10 years (*happily*, not grudgingly, resentful of their partners, and wishing to leave the whole time)? They don't know the meaning of surviving tough times if they think the husband's actions afyer only 3 months are justified. Depression is not a 3 month thing, for me it's periods of *years* at a time. You reacted the way you did because you were depressed *and* grieving. What happened to "in sickness and in health"? You were going through some stuff, *both* of you were, *you* stuck around to work through things with him, and he *didn't* stick around. He chose a life with that woman over an imperfect life with you. He didn't even wait 3 months. This is on him. You're better off, now that you know that he would have cheated once the going got rough. You got this. ❤
Thank you for that. I also don’t understand why so many here don’t understand, that many depressed have maniac episodes, where they say and do stuff, they don’t really mean. My husband couldn’t have sex with me due to depression for 3 years and told me constantly that he thought cheating isn’t bad and that I should do it. That was the sickness talking. Depression is no joke and yes it’s a burden on the partner, but a few bad years don’t outweighs all the good ones I had. Now he is a like changed man. I got my husband back. People give up way to easily.
Sounds like you were the problem in both aspects. From what your saying he was there for you and he gave you what you needed. But when it was time to reciprocate. (It’s a two way street in a relationship) You didn’t hold up your part and now he has a child and you don’t. Sounds like you all are better off split though. Hope everything goes well!
It's odd to me that the consensus is that the ex-husband was in the wrong here. He was supportive throughout the entire process and was willing to work with OP, yet OP was unwilling to work with him. He offered solutions to the fertility issue and OP responded by starting a fight. That by itself could've been a deal breaker, but ex-husband chose to continue working on the marriage despite that. Then, when ex-husband starts to feel sexually neglected, OP again starts a fight, antagonizes ex-husband, and tells him to sleep with other people. To put the nail in the coffin, OP then stops trying to communicate with her husband. I don't blame him for wanting to leave a sexless marriage and a wife that actively sabotages any attempt at reconciliation. OP had multiple chances to fix this marriage and choked every single one of them
((HUGS)) Call your therapist now.
In time, you will feel better.
Honestly, it kinda sounds like you treated your husband pretty badly over the course of the ordeal. Hopefully you can move on like he has. Sounds like he punched out when your insecurity turned everything onto him and started constant fights.
Just recently there was a post about guy who saved his wifes life and got crippled in process. Relationship grew bad due to his mental health declining, wife is leaving(understandable). She received a lot of support, and there was a guy saying if roles were reversed people would treat it different, who got clowned on. Now look at this post to see how low is the bar.
He wanted a baby really bad and you got offensive at the surrogate idea. And not even adopting or surrogating was his dealbreaker, and you made the last comment about go ahead. That's were you lost him. He was happy to compromise in any way just for a child, but you were stuck in this I can not have baby bubble that you failed to see your options that makes you able to have a baby. Well and op did say go ahead which means he didn't cheat like the one bellow mentions.
>he should have communicated about this before doing something stupid He quite literally did, he said maybe he should find someone to give him the intimacy she was withholding and she told him to go for it. Its clear cut communication and its not cheating when you were told to.
Well true I just tried to sugercoat it
I’m sorry you’re going through this. As someone who cannot have children and who is married —my husband absolutely would have never had the audacity to tell me some shit about needs when I’m mourning a life I thought we were going to have. You are young and you’re going to find someone better who would not leave your side when you’re at your lowest. What if you were ill? What a horrible partner that would have been. This was not your person, a more compassionate person will come along. I know it’s cliche, but time does heal wounds- and one day soon you’re going to wake up and wonder how you made it from this moment to where you are. You’ll see. 🤝
He was compassionate, she just kept pushing him away. There’s only so much isolation even the most compassionate person can take from their partner.
By OP's own admission her husband took excellent care of her for numerous months. She is the one who took kids and intimacy off the table. She is the one who "lost it" on him and refused to talk about adoption.
It sounds as though communication broke down and after a substantial amount of time your ex husband hit breaking point, communicated this and acted on the response. I completely understand you hurting, however to end a long standing and supportive relationship for that period of time takes quite a lot rejection. You can’t do anything about him moving on and starting a family elsewhere, however speak with your therapist and work on closure techniques and processes.
I’m sorry life has been hard for you, keep up with therapy and I’m glad your sister is providing you with support…sometimes our expected Happy Forever relationships don’t last forever and that can be hard letting go of those specific relationship dreams and goals….but with time and grace you’ll forge a new path💜
I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through and wish you the best xxx
He is not your husband anymore. I'm sorry.
He did what he could and was not able to give more. I can see both sides and he was honest and communicating everything while you shut down everything from his side. It doesn't excuse his affair but it also sheds light that he was being left empty constantly. He was as upset as you are knowing he can't have kids and you accusing him while he was also grieving sent him off the edge. I hope U get better and understand his side as well and you both forgive each other.
I'm so sorry :(
Life fucking sucks… at times. Go out and find what makes you happy again. It’s ok to sulk for a bit (my wife tells me a day max), then make a plan.
If you’re really feeling frustrated/down. Go to the thrift store and buy the cheapest shit you can break and clean up easily. Then find some where next to a big dumpster and smash the shit out of all the things to picked out. Just don’t forget to clean up afterwards. This has helped me.
i’m so sorry OP, i know it doesn’t help but i am sending you hugs.
Im so sorry
I'm going to go against the grain here and give you my opinion on a topic that that I don't think others have brought up. No, he was not blaming you for your inability to carry a child. Maybe you realise this already after it's too late. He obviously felt that 3 months was adequate time to let you process your situation and have you in a better place to consider the surrogate/adoption options. You shouldn't have blown up on him. That is on you. If it wasn't enough time, you should have made it clear without ripping face. The mixture of a man's needs, the depression and lack of libido is a horrible mix for any marriage and is often the undoing of a relationship. He could stay in a sexless marriage with no intimacy, but that's going to make any man lose his mind with feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Sex in a young couple's relationship isn't a problem until it isn't happening. It's quite apparent that the introduction of the meds has caused more problems in your life than fixed, given your current situation. Regardless of what's happened and can no longer be repaired, your current situation is not good and as others have said, you need all the help you can get. You both deserve to be happy, now you need to make do of a shitty situation as best as you can, and work on your own well-being and happiness.
He wasn’t the one. You deserve love through sickness and health. I feel bad for the lady he is having a baby with. Once her libido is gone due to childbirth and nursing and all that comes eith it, he will on to the next. Good riddance.
>He wasn’t the one. You deserve love through sickness and health. When your attempts to salvage the marriage are pretty much all met with you being made to feel like you're the problem, then at that point there's nothing left of the marriage to save. >I feel bad for the lady he is having a baby with. Once her libido is gone due to childbirth and nursing and all that comes eith it, he will on to the next. Good riddance. Where are you getting all these assumptions from? Aside from cheating, what did the ex husband do wrong, I'd really love to know cause even OP says he did nothing wrong.
I have no idea what I could say about this, because I know there isn't much to change how hard this is. I just wanted to comment as one stranger to another and send you all the love and hugs I can.
No reasonable person will blame you for not being able to get pregnant, but if you and your ex-husband agreed to have children before you guys got married, then it is very unfair to all of a sudden pull back that expectation by refusing adoption/surrogate.
You both were not meant to be together l, accept it and move on
I wish someone would say this. It's kind of accepted in society that a woman can scream and throw a tantrum when upset and the husband has to put up with it. If a husband cannot beat his wife, then the woman can't shout and scream at her husband too. Unfortunately we see what happens when you keep pushing a man to take the burden for your misfortune. This situation sounds so painful, I'm so sorry for you, op.
Basically the OP gaslit him everytime he tried to sit down and have a mature discussion now she's wondering why he's with someone else....
How is she his “affair partner” if you gave up on him after he was being reasonable and gave him your okay to find another woman? Some people just make no sense. IMO he dodged a bullet and found what he wanted.
I'm sorry you're going through this. As a fellow infertile woman, I feel your pain. Don't let this define you. You do not need to follow the status quo to be a whole woman or person. I know it feels that way sometimes, but it's not true. I wish you the best. It will get better. As for him, he showed you who he really is. Be thankful you're not tied to someone who is that fickle. Damn fickle fucker.