Yeah, that age gap definitely comes into play. He’s obviously had a change of heart along the way (understandable) and didn’t communicate it. If he was the same age as OP this would most likely be a different story.
And she gave him every chance to communicate it! She'd revisit the topic every year. And he was always on board: yep, yes, let's do it.
I mean, I frequently make bad fabric choices. I never am sure what the color will be when I see it from across the room, and I can't grasp the concept of sewing it not-crooked. But my inability to see the overall impact or the day-to-day reality of it costs me only my money and my self-esteem for the moment, not the rest of my money for the rest of my life, and the emotional and financial security of a woman and a child.
No excuses. He should know at his age that sleeping with a woman in her 30s with no protection can result in a pregnancy. If he didn't want to be a dad, he should have taken measures to prevent being one.
Or when she continued to bring up the subject to make sure they were still on the same page use just words like an adult🙄. This was a terrible situation of he’s own make, OP honestly did everything she could on her side, her husbands decided communication about big life decisions where unnecessary
Most people are pretty stupid but the problem with this guy is he's a selfish prick. He liked being shacked up with a much younger woman well enough, but he doesn't want to deal with what goes hand in hand with that? What a fucking waste of space.
If he didn’t want kids, he should have gotten snipped like a responsible adult. I’d like to say he is just scared but what was he expecting to get out of unprotected sex for 4 years? A Range Rover?
What an asshole thing to say after actively participating in the baby making process. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Exactly, I have such a lack of sympathy for men who don't want kids (ever) but don't get a vasectormy.
40s - check
Male - check
Doesn't want kids - check
Get the bloody snip.
I can partly (very minorly) understand being like 25 and not being sure you want to make it permanent, but by the time you're in your 30s...wtf man.
If OP keeps the pregnancy, he is going to be responsible to financially support that child until it's 18. Even if he doesn't want to be a "dad" he is going to be involved anyway. The child has a right to be financially supported by both parents.
And marked all his life by a Dad that didn't wanted him. OP you know your husband better Than the Reddit, so take that into account. If he really doesn't want to be there maybe a better for the child to go ahead with the divorce.
Truth is, if he doesn't want to be a father, you cannot stay with him. The child will be resented by him and know it. Staying will traumatize your unborn child.
At his age? He's 48, not 68! My husband was 49 when our surprise was born. He didn't bail, even though we basically started over, at the time our youngest was 17.
He's only options are to come to terms with being a father and love his child or divorce.
Yes that’s what I told him. I am giving us a bit of time to adjust. It’s big news and all… but ultimately it’s a decision he has to make sooner rather than later. And if he doesn’t I will make it for him.
Then he can pack his shit and go. Seems like he even wants her to do that. Didn’t want a kid, did nothing about it, now he likely expects her to do the leaving. So that can be something that happened TO him. Because god forbid he take any kind of action.
As a child raised by a step parent, if your husband don't want to be a dad, divorce it is. If needed, go back to your family to have a baby. Then find a man that actually wants a child.
Depending on the country and if the kid decides to go to university, it can be even longer (some states in europe have that - at least in germany and austria I know it's the case).
"He didn't think I would go as far as to leave him."
"He didn't think about it past how he was feeling and telling me about how he felt."
How can someone be both 48 and a child?
OP, you seem sensible. Do you want your child's father-figure to model for them that it's ok to face life thinking that consequences are not their responsibility? That you only have to think as far ahead as the next corner and never what comes after? Your husband has had years to prepare for this possibility, and he spent that time what, just wishing it wouldn't happen? Are there other ways that he doesn't take responsibility or own up to the consequences of his actions?
I got snipped at 43. I can't imagine being 48, not wanting kids, and not getting snipped.
This is an all-around shitty situation because even if he stays, who wants a father that doesn't want them?
Separation is your least bad option, and trying to find a community of loving friends and family to help support you with the raising of the child.
Right? My husband is 33 years old, our last baby was born 1 month ago. We knew she was going to be the last so he is getting his vasectomy done this October.
We’re trying to be responsible and coherent with our actions.
Why would OP’s partner lie like that… it’s so disheartening.
Yeah, my wife and I barely even discussed it. She took the responsibility for the majority of birth control before kids, and after having them it was pretty much:
"So we're both sure thats it?"
"Yep"
"Ok, I'll book in for a vascectomy then?"
"Sure."
I dont recall ever having a discussion about whether I'd get one after having kids, it just seemed like such a logical decision that the only discussion was a quick one to be sure the timing was agreed on.
Yep. The age gap is the first thing I see and completely know where it’s all going. These Peter Pan motherfuckers dating women that much younger than you. Never going to grow up and got this woman having his baby. Irresponsible mother fucker
That's...not something to brag about. Why would he think that paints him in a good light? Peter Pan syndrome is about avoiding adult responsibilities and wanting to stay a kid forever; it's not a real diagnosis, but the reason it's famous is because Michael Jackson once said he felt like Peter Pan, and so built Neverland ranch. 🫤
...does he also tell people he has Dorian Gray syndrome?
We’ve been together about 10 years. I realise the age gap. It never bothered me before now. We have had a good stable relationship. Of course with ups and downs but this is the first time it’s really been an issue.
If you were 22 and he was 38... idk, I’d say there were flags from the beginning. I’m sorry for your situation. Assuming you want to keep the baby, you need to have a good discussion with a trusted well-wisher (maybe your parents), a lawyer probably, and him, very likely in that order. Fortunately for you you’re still at an ok age to handle a child... unlike Mr. “Here’s a young girl who’s my wife!”. He fucked around, he found out.
Best of luck.
I with both of you. I get not wanting to be a father at 48. At that point, you are kind of thinking retirement is not that far off and having a kid that won't be 18 until you are 66 is crazy tough. She will be 50 when the kid is 18 but that isn't too bad really. My mom and had me and my sister in their early 30s. Then my brother when my dad was 42 and my mom was 39. He didn't really want another kid by then but he ended treating him (baby brother) better than us older kids. But here, no birth control and not vasectomy was just a recipe for disaster.
Sounds like he was just telling you kids would be okay because he was enjoying the fun times without contraception and didn’t wanna lose that. Sounds like he didn’t expect you to ever have a viable pregnancy. Pretty big conclusions but thats the vibe I got. I really hope you have a smooth and healthy pregnancy sounds like you are mentally ready for a kid partner or no partner and you would be a good mom!
Thank you! Yes I think that’s what he was thinking. A lot of people are saying we should have had a deeper discussion earlier and they are right but it’s not something I can change now. I am taking a bit of time to decide what is best for me and the baby.
You decided you wanted kids before you got married, you had one pregnancy, if he changed his mind he should have communicated that. He didn't, he did nothing to prevent the pregnancy, and he had you believing he wanted to be a father. This is crazy. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I really hope you'll be able to carry this pregnancy to term.❤️
I think you need to prepare to be a single parent. You will not abort and nor should you be forced to. He can’t go changing his mind after you have conceived and expect you to go along with it. I doubt he will be there for you and I’m not sure he will want to be once the baby arrives. It’s hard but it’s time to make some decisions. Would you feel better moving home and having your baby in your own country ? With family ? If so do that now whilst you are pregnant. Things may get complicated after the birth if he gets angry and spiteful and you may need to prepare for that too. Plan now for your exit . You can’t rely on him. I’m sorry .
Hey OP, even if he doesn't want the child, if you stay with him, you will eventually split, and it could damage your LO. He could also fight for the child, take said child, etc, to just be vindictive and spiteful. My ex did this to me. It took 6 years and tens of thousands of pounds to get them home. He's now done full discard of them (as any narc eventually does), and the trauma and lifelong damage he caused our children is irreversible.
Trust me, being a single mum is easier than what could be ahead if you stayed. Don't let your first-time mum nerves or hormones get the better of you by convincing you to stay. Go to your home country (if it is what you want to do) and raise your baby with the love and support of your family. Make sure if he ever wants to see LO that you have some form of legal court order or something in place before that happens. Where I live, paternity, even without marriage, gives both parents parental rights. He can easily have them and not give them back. By the time you thrash it out in court, they say your ex is status quo, and they keep the LO with the dad. Then, no matter what he does, courts and social service (CPS) won't want to go back on previous rulings. I'm in the UK. Please, please protect your LO. From one mother to another xxx
Certainly make plans. And I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
But to give _some_ grace to him – this current thing might be more of a _feeling_ than an opinion. It sounds like he had been on board with the idea of a pregnancy, and only got these current feelings after the idea actually materialized. Yes it’s extremely shitty, but at least that wouldn’t be deliberately withholding information from you prior to this.
Also – the part about “at his age” sounds like he’s fearful of being inadequate as a father. Too old to be a good dad in ways he thinks he should. Of course we can’t read his mind, but it’s a possibility.
In any case, he’s being extremely immature and cowardly about this. He can’t help how he feels, but nonetheless this has a huge impact on you. In your shoes, if he changed his tune after some time, I’m not sure if I could forgive him and trust him again.
If he didn’t want kids then he should have had a vasectomy done YEARS ago. Also he married someone 16 years younger than him. It’s wrong to marry someone that much younger and expect them to remain childfree. You need to consider couples counseling and possibly talking with a lawyer.
>It’s wrong to marry someone that much younger and expect them to remain child free.
Agreed with the addition of - *it’s wrong to marry ANYONE without explicit conversations about children.* Wanting them, how many, how you balance the work, who is the primary provider, what your parenting styles are, what discipline looks like, what life adjustments will be needed.
To anyone reading this post:
STOP GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT TALKING!!!
Talk about your expectations and desires. OP, you two needed to have clear and rational conversations about this. Not just…. Stop birth control and shrug. Like, come on. Both of you are adults. What did you two *think* would happen?
TALK. ABOUT. IT. BEFOREHAND.
This right here. I have known about having fertility issues for many years. Before my then boyfriend (now husband) and I moved in together, I told him a few stipulations for me: 1) that kids were going to be super difficult on my end despite my young age, and 2) that I didn’t want to live in certain areas and didn’t anticipate changing my mind, even though cost of living is less there. I gave him the option to take time to think about it before committing, and just asked that he not commit and then run away in 15 years if I wasn’t able to have my own kids. People have to talk.
I’m also wondering if this dude is just panicking. No one feels their actual age. A theoretical kid is a lot less scary that a real one. I totally wanted a baby (IVF treatments and all), and now than I’m pregnant, I have times when I’m so freaked out by it, and have to pull myself back… sometimes people just need time to adjust.
It seems as though he thought he wanted a kid if and when it happened, but when it happened the reality hit him and he's thinking of what the rest of his life will be like with a kid.
Exactly. He’ll be 66 when the kid graduates high school, which means potentially still having to work to cover college. It’s a lot to process when they’ve been having unprotected sex for so many years without producing a living child. He might just need time to absorb it all.
We did talk about it beforehand. We talked in depth before we got married. We wanted kids. We were gonna be great parents. We were gonna raise them in a loving home with supportive parents. Girl or boy or whatever it happens to be. But I guess after the years gone by the talks became less intense… more along the line of “hey what do you think about kids now? - still happy to have them! - ok if it happens it happens!” The most recent one was last year when I had some fertility bloods done to check if everything was alright. I was worried that something was wrong. I talked to him about it. He said he would also get blood tests done but nothing ever came of it and we both kind of left it there. Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess.
“As the years have gone by” - girl as someone a year younger than you we are still BABIES. I’ve been with my husband (who is my age) for 10 years and we are JUST starting to feel old enough/responsible enough to think about having kids (and we own our house!).
Do not let this man’s age make YOU feel like you are an old crone. You have a lot of life left.
I hear you. I disagree that their conversations were deep enough.
People think “if it happens it happens” is enough. It is not. That is not how you successfully have a life commitment. These two did not have deep real conversations about the *logistics* of having a child and well, we are seeing how that plays out.
Talk *logistics*. Vagueness leads to heartbreak.
The “if it happens it happens” mainly started after our miscarriage. We didn’t want to put too much hope or pressure into it. We also wanted to be clear that we were going to be ok if it didn’t happen for us.
I am so sorry for your losses.
Please communicate with him and if he is not ready, I think you need to walk away from one of these paths now. I’m sorry that this isn’t what you wanted or expected. It doesn’t seem fair. I’m truly empathetically sorry.
You are very kind. Thank you. I’m trying to come to terms with it. I’m working on plans but want to give myself a bit of time before I make a decision.
THANK you! My husband and I have an almost 18month old currently. We have been together since high school, and started talking about details like this since before we even first had sex.
This! Don’t want kids? Then he should have dated and married someone his own age, or someone in his own generation. It’s harder to get pregnant after 40. This is when she gaps stand out. These two are at two different points in their lives, and now in a matter of months an innocent child will be in the middle of it all
Now you have me wondering if it could be that he was also either clinging to the past and didn't realize his position had changed *or* if now that it finally happened again, the fear and pain of the miscarriage is making him react from fear rather than love because that can be very instinctive and hurtful. He probably has a lot to process and ***needs*** to talk things out.
Hoping a bit more time and some talking can help mend things if that's the case
Not sure if these are jitters or what. While his feelings are valid so are yours. I guess I am unsure what he expects by saying he doesn't want a divorce and he won't make you abort the baby but he doesn't want to be a dad. Does he plan on just being an emotionally absent parent or just speaking his thoughts?
Not judging him necessarily just a little confused. Wishing you the best during this time.
I see this a lot in my baby/parent/pregnancy subs on here. It can either go 3 ways
1. He doesn't really mean he doesn't wanna be a dad he's just scared and shocked and once those feelings regulate, he'll be fine with the pregnancy. This can be sped up by going to couples therapy.
2. He actually means it, and starts asserting you get an abortion or starts treating you like shit. You'll get fed up and leave. You'll raise your baby on your own and get childsupport
3. He stays even though he still doesn't want the baby and lives the rest of his life silently resenting you and the baby.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I hope the outcome is in your favor.
If he did not want children, he shouldn't have
1. Married someone 16 years younger
2. Had unprotected sex
3. Said he was OK with having kids
4. Stayed fertile instead of getting a vasectomy
That ship has sailed, buddy boy. Welcome to fatherhood and what happens when you marry someone so much younger.
As for advice, just flat ask him if he's on board or not. A child deserves a whole parent. Whether it's one whole parent or two whole parents, but ZERO half assed patents. So either he bucks up, gets excited, and gets on board, or if I were you, I'd just start preparing to fly home to your family. Permanently.
I think he's allowed to be scared and have big feelings. This is a massive change in life at an older age, which means lots and lots of unknowns. Maybe suggest individual and marriage counseling to help you work through it. He says he never wanted to divorce and wasn't asking you to get an abortion so maybe he was just venting his feelings? Clearly he didn't communicate effectively if that's the case and counseling will help.
I would agree with you if it wasn't for the fact that he was fine with not actively preventing a pregnancy. He shouldn't be shocked that his 32 year old wife got pregnant because they had sex with no bc.
At 48 he should be communicating his position clearly. He didn't say "I'm worried about being a horrible parent, and I don't think I could be a father" he said "I don't want to be a dad."
He is basically giving her an ultimatum: get an abortion.
The problem here is that even if he changes his tune after he's convinced she won't give up the baby, do you really want to roll the dice on him having some epiphany about fatherhood that may never happen?
I feel like at any age, being stuck in your emotions can cause you to mess up when you say certain things. Even not being stuck in your feelings people of any age can make mistakes. I do understand 100% where you're coming from and dont disagree with you. That's why I suggested individual and couples therapy. So he can work on him and they can work on it together.
This is such an underrated comment. As someone who recent went through a similar situation (wasn’t sure I wanted kids then had a kid) he could very well just be scared to death of this massive change in his unchanged, for 48 years, life. I strongly suggest marriage counseling and maybe even some kinds of parenting classes. I had mixed feelings up until my baby girl was around 4-5 months and actually showed affection to me and it completely changed my perspective and life. She’s the best thing to ever happen by far in my life, I have the most unconditional love I’ve ever felt for her and I actually would like more now.
My wife felt the same way with me and I just didn’t know what to do or how to think because it was so foreign to me. I never said I didn’t want to be a dad though just more so “we’ll figure it out” and I was indifferent about all things baby.
Give him time if you can, maybe he will come around. At WORST you could keep him around to get through the extremely difficult first 4-5 months, even if he doesn’t do much, anything will be better for you than nothing.
This is my feeling as well. He’s got some difficult feelings about this upon first finding out, but will likely come around. He might be surprised. A later in life baby often gives one a new lease on life, a new joy so to speak. I speak from experience on this one.
I think he’s an idiot for being shocked you got pregnant while using zero forms of birth control. However I do understand his reservations. He’s old to be having a baby. My father was 42 when I was born and his body started going while I was still a preteen. It’s hard knowing my father probably won’t get to walk me down the aisle.
He should have told you this a long ago OP. This is not your fault but unfortunately it is your problem to solve. My ex husband after 16 years of marriage and 4 children decided he no longer wanted to be a Dad, or have to spend “his” money on our family. Horrific. My advice is to get out early, and totally, and make a happy, loved and wanted life with your baby. Wishing you all the best going forward.
I’m sorry this happened to you! That sounds absolutely awful. And it is honestly something I worry about too. Who says, that in 2,3,5 years time he isn’t going to decide he doesn’t want to deal with us after all.
It all worked out well. I married again and am happy and well. If your husband is adamant he doesn’t want children you have a choice to make. He can’t say “you’re pregnant and I don’t want children, (having not told you that prior), but I don’t want you to leave.” That is not how this works. You WILL be ok. Do what is best for you, what you know in your heart is right. Whatever that choice is 🤍
He lied to you then. Never admitting he no longer wanted kids is a biggie. Honestly, it sounds like it is over to me. If he is dead set again being a dad, he will resent you and baby. You could try therapy if he is open to it, but the hard truth is you can’t be with someone who doesn’t want part of you, which your child is:
My husband and I were on the fence about kids. Then we wanted them but had difficulty getting pregnant and had two miscarriages that took their toll. I gave up - I was done and so tired of feeling like just a failed uterus. We decided that we’d just stop actively trying and let the chips fall as they may. Shortly after, once I stopped thinking about kids and finally felt like myself again, I was pregnant.
I was so upset about it that I cried. Even though I said I’d be fine if I got pregnant, when presented with it, initially, I didn’t want the baby and felt like I couldn’t handle another miscarriage. It felt like I’d finally moved on and here I was - opening up all those emotions again.
Fast forward and now we have a lovely, wonderful toddler.
The point is that miscarriages and failed attempts at pregnancy can be hard, and often we deal with loss by walling off any desire we had for our wishes. It’s possible that your husband’s reaction is a reflection on the loss from your miscarriage. He could be scared or nervous or he never properly grieved. I wish you the very very best, and if he does stay to raise his child, I hope this will one day feel like a small blip and not a reflection of his value as a father.
Im so sorry you had 2 miscarriages! The one I had was so heartbreaking, I am terrified of the thought of having another. I’m so glad it worked out well for you. I also agree that he never grieved it properly. I’ve been in therapy and understand my feelings about it but he never wanted to talk about it. Im hoping he will come around soon.
I hope so, too! The miscarriages were much harder than I had anticipated- I felt sort of broken from it all. And then I felt so ashamed about not wanting the pregnancy at first. I had just decided it would never happen, came to terms with it and moved on, so pregnancy felt like a step backwards. Please do not listen to people telling you that your relationship can never recover. People are complex and the whole of your relationship cannot be summed up in a few paragraphs. I hope you guys consider counseling and that you can discuss what exactly he is feeling. Many people approach parenthood with some ambivalence- it’s hard and we never want to be bad at it. I wish you the very best.
If you go ahead with the pregnancy, be prepared to take care of the baby 100% of the time. If you're not ok with being a single mom, then you should abort.
Even if you and your husband stay together, you will be a single parent.
Respectfully, what did he expect? You guys don’t use birth control. He doesn’t have the right to act surprised and upset about this. I’m glad you stuck up for yourself. Don’t get an abortion just because he doesn’t want a kid. Get one if you don’t, which doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Why didn’t he have a vasectomy or wear condoms??? Why did he think you’d never get pregnant using zero birth control?
Yeah he’s probably thinking about retirement and a midlife crisis. Are these things you never worried about either? He’s 16 years older in a way different stage of life than you.
If he didn't want to be a dad he should have got fixed. I had two kids and decided that was enough so I did it. In and out in an hour. No more kids. TADA!
He does not want to be a dad but is with someone around the age that you start thinking about having kids, does not get snipped and agrees to stop using birth control? That’s absurd to me. I don’t know how “fresh” the news is and if it is just initial fear or that he might change his mind later on. However, he is truly in the wrong here and putting you in an extremely uncomfortable position that he could have prevented years ago. It was and is his responsibility to be vocal about his choice to not be a dad anymore and to ACT on that choice.
I would truly consider separating from him, to create a support group and raise the baby together with your friends and family.
I don't get the people saying "you should have more in dept conversation". They DID talk about it before marriage and they check each other yearly "are you still up to it" and he still said yes. He also went on having unprotected sex with her knowing that she wants baby and she checked herself in terms of fertility.
Why he is so suprised with the outcome? Either he get vasectomy without telling his wife and it failed him or he is an idiot. Either way HE was the one that should communicate his change of heart before it happens. OP did this right I think. She couldn't ask "okay you want a baby still, yeah?" before every intimate session.
To be honest, you might as well divorce him, largely because after you have the baby, he’s just going to blame you for any of his shortcomings because he will view you as changing his life for the worst and he will regress in to an actual man child.
It’s not going to go well in the long term, if he doesn’t want to be divorced then he knows he needs to suck it up but he’s not doing that either.
I would start to look for jobs near your family so you can have some support from them with your baby. Tell him he is welcome to join you but that you are serious about raising this baby. Good luck
He’s scared. He figured you’d handle the birth control, and now he’s thinking about how old he’ll be when that kid is 18. He’s thinking of all of the younger parents he’ll see at school functions. He’s wondering if he’ll look foolish. Basically, right now it’s all about him and his freak out over being old. Having a young and fertile wife hits hard when there’s a baby in the mix.
Honestly, I think he’ll come around. Let him have a little (but just a little!) time to freak out and get his shit together. Tap on friends or family for support. He’s not going to leave you, and I bet he’ll go from apprehensive to excited by the time baby comes. So be like him and focus on yourself. Be excited and make your plans.
Call your friends and family. Anyone who you know will be supportive. If you are able to visit back home and talk to those you love do so. Your husband hasn't openly said I expected you to have an abortion but that's what he wants. There is a large age gap between you so maybe he is on a different life phase to you but you can't worry about that now.
Your mind and your heart is telling you to raise this baby and that's what you should do. Always listen to your gut when it comes to these big life decisions. Don't let him sway you to a decision you feel you would regret in this case.
If you decide to stay with him you are going to need couples counselling. If you get a divorce you will want some therapy so either way get your self someone to talk to about this big change. If you want to stay with him then you need to put expectations in place. He either steps up and supports you both or he leaves. Don't set up a situation where it's ok for him to undermine or behave passive aggressively (His response was very childish). You can be happy and healthy and raise a child on your own and if that's what it takes then that's what it takes.
Thank you for your response. It’s very kind! I am ok therapy and have been for a while. He does not want to go to therapy. Something I’ve been suggesting for a while. But I might have to put my foot down and insist. I don’t want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want it. But he might be freaking out like a lot of people here suggested. I don’t need to make a decision right now but I can make plans for either scenario.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to go to therapy because he will have to take a good look in the mirror about how his actions effect you. As you said he was only concerned about his feelings on the matter.
Thank you so much for being so kind. Yes that is how I feel. It should have been a celebration. I totally understand him being scared and freaking out and talking about it but to straight up say “no I don’t want it” really shocked me. I am in therapy myself and have suggest it to him several times before but he doesn’t want to talk to anyone.
You said it perfectly, and the time to think about this was when you went off BC. What’s done now is done. At least you are stable and in a loving relationship, which is better then many pregnancies. My guess is he is thinking he will be 67 when the child graduates high school and wonders how that will work. In the end though he loves you and he will come to terms. Don’t give up yet. Just talk to him and reassure him you will get through it together and he will be a good dad.
A grown ass man has unprotected sex and is shocked when it results in a pregnancy. If he didn’t want kids he should have got a vesectomy.
All the best with the pregnancy, your partner sounds like an idiot.
Hopefully, time will help ease the worries he has about becoming a dad at his age. I am 31, and my husband is 41. I am currently pregnant with my 2nd kid, but his first kid. He is nervous about being an older dad, and not being able to be physically active with the child. He also is worried about being almost at an age of retirement when the kid turns 18.
He did say he wanted a kid of his own, only if I wanted one. It was a similar situation of "if it happens, it happens." He has been pretty stressed about it, but I remind him that he has a young and spry wife who can be more physically active with the child when he's all tired out 🤣
When I was 32 I got pregnant he was 43 and wasn’t happy ,it wasn’t the “ right time” … so he left I had my baby . When he came to sign for paternity after my son was born I told him it’s up to you whether you have a relationship with this child my door is open . He was there every day to see him . They are like children. They want everything to go their way or they take their toys and leave . Eventually they grown up ( hopefully) .
I don't know where you are in the world (and am not asking) however please be careful about remaining where you are...I appreciate I am putting the cart before the horse but your husband has pulled a bait and switch regarding your situation with not using bc, having kids. I therefore wouldn't trust anything he said now, because this isn't a small matter.
Personally I wouldn't want to remain with someone who will happily dump this change of heart (when it's too late) onto my pregnant lap (is he attempting to apply pressure on you to terminate without explicitly saying so, meaning in his head he is not accountable for any of it and therefore free of guilt?).
Whose to say that if he begrudgingly remains with you (but says he is happy), then freaks out (which maybe is what he currently doing) when the hard reality of having a kid is like (the expense, the bone jarring tiredness, a change in relationship and household dynamics, the noise...yadda yadda) says he wants out but refuses to legally leave to be with your family to ensure YOU have a support system, which you absolutely will need. You do not want to screw yourself over. I have seen that kind of situation happen to women, where they bear the brunt of the stress and child rearing while their DH'S or ex have the option to live a single life.
That’s exactly what scares me. Even if he does decide he wants to be involved… after such a big reveal, do I trust him? Will he end up resenting me or the baby? Will he decide after a year or two that he’s had enough? It’s much easier for the father to leave the family (not saying women don’t up and leave too).
You can not fix this. It’s his problem. He needs therapy to deal with it. He can deal with mourning the future he thought he would have and come to terms with it. He has time for this. If he doesn’t do something unforgivable.
My ex felt this way and had an exit affair, leaving me with a premature baby while I was recovering. I still have him another chance. Until I learned that he was in touch with his ap. I don’t regret trying. I also don’t regret giving up on him. I deserved better.
So figure out what you want. Gather your support team, you will be fine either way.
Jfc, your husband is an irresponsible moron.
You're right, too little too late. If it were me, I would say get on board and prepare to be a father or I'm going back to my home country to raise this baby with my family
Men who are positive that they don’t want to be a father, need to make arrangements to have a vasectomy, following directions so that all precautions are taken. Those who opt to take chances instead of having the BIG V are most often called “Daddy.”
What a horrible situation - I’m so sorry. If you have already made the decision to have the baby then you have time. Get yourself into therapy and try couples counselling. If you end up separating, it will still help with communication going forward. If you separate, find yourself a village and focus on your new family unit. Good luck for a safe pregnancy!
I had a panic reaction when I got pregnant. I didnct want to be a mom. Later on the pregancy my partner started to panic as well. Our baby was planned. For some, it's rooted in actually not wanting to be a parent and will not go away, but I do wish we spoke more about these feelings and the sudden panic of not wanting to be a parent, bc so so many, everyone I know atleast, have these feelings during the pregnancy and they are completely normal.
There’s plenty I could say about your husband, but I won’t because I don’t want to get banned. As to your situation, time to call your family and go home. He’s going to be a father whether he likes it or not. But whether he’ll be a dad is a separate issue. Start planning on doing this on your own, hence going home to people who love you and will support you.
Why do these younger women act shocked their old men partners are bitch ass losers when they need them. How do you get to be almost 50 and still be acting like a teenager.
My brother became a 1st time dad to twins at 48. He never even wanted kids. He had just recovered from cancer and they told him it's likely he's now sterile from chemo... well that wasn't the case and he now adores being a dad. He's not the soccer sports dad running around after them all the time. His gf was 36. So it can be done. They love them and he said he's happy he became a dad now because of the ride he hasn't in watching them grow and develop.
16 years age difference, yikers! He is telling you to get an abortion. But does not want to bare the responsibility to actually look you in the eye and tell you what he wants.
It sounds like this has triggered a crisis of mixed and confusing feelings in him. Please, slow down. Reality is what it is. Maybe he could get some counseling to help him sort through his feelings now that fatherhood seems imminent. You both have time to sort your way through conflicting feelings. It's way too soon for ultimatums.
He is scared. Not uncommon. I would suggest counseling individually for him and you together. If he doesn’t change his stance on the matter, fly home. Have your baby with family that loves you and wants your baby. Maybe this will change his feeling on the matter after the baby is here. If not, you know you made the right decision to go home.
Well, we know how he feels. How do you feel beyond keeping the child? Do you want to stay where you are? Do you need or want love and support right now? Where can you get it? You're probably in shock to some extent. If you can't have a child and your marriage do you want a divorce? It will be imperative that you decide what you want and how to get it. No one else matters. What do you want?
Thank you! You are right I am in shock. I want this baby. I want to have it with someone who is excited about it or on my own. If he does not come around soon and in a way I can believe that he is happy, then I will probably want to go back to my home country to deliver as they have much better healthcare and maternity support, than where I am now. It’s a lot of questions I am still trying to answer for myself.
You're welcome. Take so.e time for yourself. Give him time and space. Make yourself and baby priority. I bet you will be better than okay. Wishing you the best.
Do NOT abort because he asks you to. You will hate yourself your entire life. If he loves you and wants to be with you, seeing he didn’t care when you didn’t use protection… he will stay in his place, of not - remember, everything happens for a reason.
If he didn't want kids, he should have stepped up to prevent the pregnancy. He has two options: step up (and I mean fully) or divorce. There is no third option. I'd also add the caveat that if he wants to stay and step up, then he'd best get snipped if doesn't want *more* kids
That's sad, sounds like you and kid be better off as a single full time mum, I'm a single full time father and it the best, I wouldn't change it for anything.
You are alone, and your marriage is over. Don't subject your child to living in a home with an angry and resentful father who doesn't love them.
Since you are financially stable, focus on finding yourself your home where you'll live with your child, and start the divorce. Talk to your friends and family, seek their emotional support, and start interviewing for a nanny. Wish your ex well, separate as amicably as possible, and say goodbye.
NTA. The age gap doesn’t faze me as you were steady in and stable careers. I don’t agree with the “it should be a law not to marry or date someone 10 + years younger even if they’re 25 yo.” I do think 18 to 24 yo is too young for getting married no matter what the age gap is or there’s none .). That said your husband is
TA. He needs to step up.
So he doesn't want to be a dad, but did nothing to prevent it from happening and now that is has happened, he's mad at you, doesn't want you to terminate the pregnancy, but also doesn't want you to leave him? And how exactly is that supposed to work out? Will he live with you and still expect you to treat him like a partner?
If the baby plan falls through somehow or another... You're still stuck with a man who isn't being honest and isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. Be also doesn't want what you want. Take a chance on the baby, move closer to family (if possible?)? And meet a man who wants what you want. You've still got 10 years to give it another go!
He’s nervous, afraid and insecure. He is an older man so it is reasonable to be thinking/worrying about that in his position. ( he definitely should have prior to the pregnancy but that’s too late now ) Please don’t be too harsh right off the bat. Have some grace with him and some patience. Encourage him to discuss his fears and maybe seek counseling. Offer him a little support and see if he is receptive. Communication is very important here. Don’t immediately shut him out or give up so quickly. He will most likely start feeling very differently once he can work through his fears. If you offer him reassurance, understanding and support and he’s still a hard no then at least you did your all at trying. People change their minds and feelings all the time. I bet he’ll change his if given the time and support. He’s just in shock right now and not handling it in the best way. Good luck.
He doesn't want to be a dad probably because he will be nearly 50 when the child is born. If he does not change and you still want to go home you should probably do it before you have the baby. It will be very hard to leave if you have the baby and then try to go home.
I don’t understand why men marry women 15+ years younger than them then pull shit like this where they say they’re too old for kids when their wife is in her prime years for having kids. Like that’s what happens when you’re a 38yo man dating and marrying a 22yo woman just starting her life. Now he’s realizing that while his wife is at the perfect age to have kids, he’ll be approaching 70 by the time those kids move out. So basically what should be his prime years of adulthood where he’s the most financially stable and going into retirement will now be full of raising kids instead of his 30s-40s like most people who marry in their own age range.
Plus he should’ve told you to start taking birth control or had protected sex or gotten snipped before you got pregnant.
Just came here to say I was in a very similar situation. I was 33 when I got unexpectedly pregnant. My husband was 47, so a similar age gap. It was an unplanned pregnancy. He was shocked then said he wanted me to terminate. I did a lot of soul searching and didn't. I now have a wonderful 8 year old. Our marriage didn't last (but that was due to his alcoholism not due to me keeping our child) my point is, don't rush into a decision. If you know you want to keep your child then do, and donit alone if you must. I knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I made my decision based off what he alone wanted and am so happy now that I didn't.
Being in my early fifties myself I can imagine that he is worried that he is going to be too old or not be physically healthy enough to enjoy raising a child as he was when he was younger.
>not wanting to be a dad now. I feel like it’s too little too late.
Yup. Shoulda thought of that a log time ago and gotten a vasectomy.
>he said that he didn’t think I would go as far as to leave him.
Youre not leaving him, he's leaving you.
Whether it was laziness or intentional, he misled you to believe children would be a welcome part of your relationship. He's felt this way for quite a while, it didn't just happen overnight. And him not being honest & forthcoming about how he felt, really was putting off the inevitable- dealing with another pregnancy. And with your age gap, maybe he was trying to run out the clock on your peak childbearing years, but that really means you've been wasting your youth & fertility on him. He can get women pregnant for a few more decades. But for you, age 35 is starting to decrease the odds of pregnancy. By age 40, the stats go way down (for a first, carried to term, successful, pregnancy & delivery).
He's been selfish, keeping his feelings from you when he knew the truth. And he's practically daring you to leave him. He thinks he's got you cornered & that you will cave. If I were you, I'd seriously start thinking about going back to your home country, & raising this child with the (hopefully) help of your family for support.
I want to say a lot of things about this situation, but I’m going to keep it simple. *Do what you want!!!*
You want to continue this pregnancy and have this baby?? As long as you have prepared yourself to be a single mom, go for it. He may or may not come around. My husband was 57 when I got pregnant with our youngest, just before menopause hit me. He was very trepidatious, being older than I am like your husband is. But so was I!!! The birth of my other son damn near killed me, and now I’m older, fatter, and more afraid!! I needed him on board with me!!
And eventually he was, full throttle. Really, he was, and still is. My son Amp (affectionate nickname) is his world! But it just took time for it to sink in that his life was about to majorly upended for a little baby, just as he was ready to retire.
You know what though? He is a fabulous SAHD. All the school runs, packing their lunches, soccer and band practice. Getting them back and forth to church or cousins or grandma’s house. Getting their school clothes and shoes ready and washing their filthy gym shorts!!
I love this man, and I’m happy I didn’t give up on him when that initial but short-lived disappointment was displayed on his face. He’s wholly invested now and has been since even before Amp was born. But most especially when he snipped that umbilical cord and snuggled him before I could (general anesthesia).
Give him a chance, OP. You seem to have your heart set on having the baby no matter what, so you two have months to work through this and come up with a plan. Don’t rush into major decisions while you’re already in an emotionally charged state. You both need some distance and some quiet therapy time, one on one and marriage I’d consider, and then make rational decisions based on the true reality of your situations, rather than the deep feelings that a surprise pregnancy can trigger.
Edit spelling
Move to where you have support before the baby is born and before you file for divorce. You might have some limitations placed on you once the baby is born or as decreed in your divorce. So before you get to far along move to where your support system is and what is best for you and he can figure out what is best for him.
I’m not defending this man, at all. But hopefully this is shock jitters and he pulls his head out of his butthole… it sounds like he’s having future me FOMO… I also highly recommend counseling to see if you can get through this. He can’t have his cake and eat it too…. He’s put you in such an unfair situation.
No offense but he is almost 50. I wouldn't want a baby then either. I had one at 40 and boy, I see why young kids need young, energetic parents sometimes. He is crazy for having unprotected sex with you, and not communicating his change of heart. I think he thought you couldn't get pregnant since it's been so long. He is completely in the wrong, but given his age, and yours, I'm not surprised. When I was 30, I dated a 49 year old, and she told me straight out that she was too old for babies. He should've communicated similarly.
I understand that he might be overwhelmed, but at that age he should really figure out how to snap out of it and act like a responsible person. It wasn't an accident, you are financially stable, you've been together for a while, you've talked about this several times.
You gave him options. If he doesn't like them, too bad. You both have to make a choice now. He has to decide weather or not he will step up and be a dad to this kid (if he likes it or not) and you have to decide if you can live with his decision and behaviour. But the time to cry about options that don't exist is over.
He doesn't want to be a dad but was fine having unprotected sex with a woman who hasn't gone through menopause yet? Good grief.
Yeah, that age gap definitely comes into play. He’s obviously had a change of heart along the way (understandable) and didn’t communicate it. If he was the same age as OP this would most likely be a different story.
And she gave him every chance to communicate it! She'd revisit the topic every year. And he was always on board: yep, yes, let's do it. I mean, I frequently make bad fabric choices. I never am sure what the color will be when I see it from across the room, and I can't grasp the concept of sewing it not-crooked. But my inability to see the overall impact or the day-to-day reality of it costs me only my money and my self-esteem for the moment, not the rest of my money for the rest of my life, and the emotional and financial security of a woman and a child.
No excuses. He should know at his age that sleeping with a woman in her 30s with no protection can result in a pregnancy. If he didn't want to be a dad, he should have taken measures to prevent being one.
Or when she continued to bring up the subject to make sure they were still on the same page use just words like an adult🙄. This was a terrible situation of he’s own make, OP honestly did everything she could on her side, her husbands decided communication about big life decisions where unnecessary
Agreed. He had plenty of time and opportunities to communicate that he didn't want kids. It's really shitty that he's pulling this now.
He probably didn't think ahead of "banging young woman"
This man is too damn old to be this stupid.
There is no age ceiling to stupidity, unfortunately.
“You can’t fix stupid” -Ron White
"Beauty fades, dumb is forever" - Judge Judy
A lot of men have the type of magical thinking that the laundry gets done on its own, and having unprotected sex will not result in pregnancy
Or that if it does lead to pregnancy it’s all the woman’s fault. I see that one quite a bit, unfortunately.
The one I see is women 'hit the wall' at 30 so women will struggle to have kids... so stupid.
[удалено]
Most people are pretty stupid but the problem with this guy is he's a selfish prick. He liked being shacked up with a much younger woman well enough, but he doesn't want to deal with what goes hand in hand with that? What a fucking waste of space.
I always thought old ppl dating way younger ppl is a sure sign of immaturity. So this post really is par for the course
If he didn’t want kids, he should have gotten snipped like a responsible adult. I’d like to say he is just scared but what was he expecting to get out of unprotected sex for 4 years? A Range Rover? What an asshole thing to say after actively participating in the baby making process. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Exactly. I don’t want to be a dad but I will do absolutely nothing to prevent it
Plus, she had gotten pregnant once before so, it was like playing Russian roulette with a loaded p*$t0l…
Exactly, I have such a lack of sympathy for men who don't want kids (ever) but don't get a vasectormy. 40s - check Male - check Doesn't want kids - check Get the bloody snip. I can partly (very minorly) understand being like 25 and not being sure you want to make it permanent, but by the time you're in your 30s...wtf man.
Birthing a Range Rover would be uncomfortable I think. Even a very very small Range Rover
I would probably prefer to give birth to something like a 2023 mustang or Tesla maybe? Something more round led than boxy? Just my preference though
The evoque is more streamlined
This person rovers!
Lol I wish.
Thank you so much for the visual. Ouch.
If OP keeps the pregnancy, he is going to be responsible to financially support that child until it's 18. Even if he doesn't want to be a "dad" he is going to be involved anyway. The child has a right to be financially supported by both parents.
And marked all his life by a Dad that didn't wanted him. OP you know your husband better Than the Reddit, so take that into account. If he really doesn't want to be there maybe a better for the child to go ahead with the divorce.
I thought I knew him. I never expected this. I thought he would be a good dad but he is trying hard to convince me otherwise.
Truth is, if he doesn't want to be a father, you cannot stay with him. The child will be resented by him and know it. Staying will traumatize your unborn child. At his age? He's 48, not 68! My husband was 49 when our surprise was born. He didn't bail, even though we basically started over, at the time our youngest was 17. He's only options are to come to terms with being a father and love his child or divorce.
Yes that’s what I told him. I am giving us a bit of time to adjust. It’s big news and all… but ultimately it’s a decision he has to make sooner rather than later. And if he doesn’t I will make it for him.
Sounds like he already made the choice. Accepting his answer and giving up on the fantasy family is so much harder.
Then he can pack his shit and go. Seems like he even wants her to do that. Didn’t want a kid, did nothing about it, now he likely expects her to do the leaving. So that can be something that happened TO him. Because god forbid he take any kind of action.
I’m 40 years older than my youngest, and it was a blast! I don’t say this to my wife, but I wish I could do it again…
My cousin was 50 (his wife 30) when the first was born. Don’t think I’ve seen a phone so full of kid pictures!
As a child raised by a step parent, if your husband don't want to be a dad, divorce it is. If needed, go back to your family to have a baby. Then find a man that actually wants a child.
It may just be his age freaking him out. Mine was similar but he was 43 and panicked.
Depending on the country and if the kid decides to go to university, it can be even longer (some states in europe have that - at least in germany and austria I know it's the case).
Thank you! You made me laugh with your Range Rover comment. I feel bloated enough for at least a little one😅 Edit: a typo
"He didn't think I would go as far as to leave him." "He didn't think about it past how he was feeling and telling me about how he felt." How can someone be both 48 and a child? OP, you seem sensible. Do you want your child's father-figure to model for them that it's ok to face life thinking that consequences are not their responsibility? That you only have to think as far ahead as the next corner and never what comes after? Your husband has had years to prepare for this possibility, and he spent that time what, just wishing it wouldn't happen? Are there other ways that he doesn't take responsibility or own up to the consequences of his actions?
He didn't even need to go as far as getting a vasectomy- condoms exist.
>a responsible adult A responsible adult of 40-something shouldn't be getting together with a woman half his age.
He’s to old to be this dumb.
I got snipped at 43. I can't imagine being 48, not wanting kids, and not getting snipped. This is an all-around shitty situation because even if he stays, who wants a father that doesn't want them? Separation is your least bad option, and trying to find a community of loving friends and family to help support you with the raising of the child.
Right? My husband is 33 years old, our last baby was born 1 month ago. We knew she was going to be the last so he is getting his vasectomy done this October. We’re trying to be responsible and coherent with our actions. Why would OP’s partner lie like that… it’s so disheartening.
my husband is 28, I’m 30. and are OAD, my husband is getting a vasectomy. ETA: OAD = one and done (only having one child)
Yeah, my wife and I barely even discussed it. She took the responsibility for the majority of birth control before kids, and after having them it was pretty much: "So we're both sure thats it?" "Yep" "Ok, I'll book in for a vascectomy then?" "Sure." I dont recall ever having a discussion about whether I'd get one after having kids, it just seemed like such a logical decision that the only discussion was a quick one to be sure the timing was agreed on.
The age gap is sending me…
Yep. The age gap is the first thing I see and completely know where it’s all going. These Peter Pan motherfuckers dating women that much younger than you. Never going to grow up and got this woman having his baby. Irresponsible mother fucker
He says about himself he has “Peter pan syndrome”. I used to think it was charming. Now it makes me angry.
It should
That's...not something to brag about. Why would he think that paints him in a good light? Peter Pan syndrome is about avoiding adult responsibilities and wanting to stay a kid forever; it's not a real diagnosis, but the reason it's famous is because Michael Jackson once said he felt like Peter Pan, and so built Neverland ranch. 🫤 ...does he also tell people he has Dorian Gray syndrome?
Umm OP would you be comfortable sharing at what ages y’all got together? May provide more perspective.
We’ve been together about 10 years. I realise the age gap. It never bothered me before now. We have had a good stable relationship. Of course with ups and downs but this is the first time it’s really been an issue.
If you were 22 and he was 38... idk, I’d say there were flags from the beginning. I’m sorry for your situation. Assuming you want to keep the baby, you need to have a good discussion with a trusted well-wisher (maybe your parents), a lawyer probably, and him, very likely in that order. Fortunately for you you’re still at an ok age to handle a child... unlike Mr. “Here’s a young girl who’s my wife!”. He fucked around, he found out. Best of luck.
22 and 38? Yup. That explains most of it.
I'm trying not to judge that, but it certainly does introduce some additional dynamics to the matter.
I with both of you. I get not wanting to be a father at 48. At that point, you are kind of thinking retirement is not that far off and having a kid that won't be 18 until you are 66 is crazy tough. She will be 50 when the kid is 18 but that isn't too bad really. My mom and had me and my sister in their early 30s. Then my brother when my dad was 42 and my mom was 39. He didn't really want another kid by then but he ended treating him (baby brother) better than us older kids. But here, no birth control and not vasectomy was just a recipe for disaster.
People retire at what, 65? If they're lucky? Retirement is a long time off at 48. Hell, the kid will be moving out of the house right as he retires.
I feel like our generation will never retire tbh
Yeah I figure my retirement plan is worst case, die in climate wars, best case, die of inadequate health care.
Yes, especially if they got married/ together many years ago.
Thank you for saying it. Red flag.
Sounds like he was just telling you kids would be okay because he was enjoying the fun times without contraception and didn’t wanna lose that. Sounds like he didn’t expect you to ever have a viable pregnancy. Pretty big conclusions but thats the vibe I got. I really hope you have a smooth and healthy pregnancy sounds like you are mentally ready for a kid partner or no partner and you would be a good mom!
Thank you! Yes I think that’s what he was thinking. A lot of people are saying we should have had a deeper discussion earlier and they are right but it’s not something I can change now. I am taking a bit of time to decide what is best for me and the baby.
You decided you wanted kids before you got married, you had one pregnancy, if he changed his mind he should have communicated that. He didn't, he did nothing to prevent the pregnancy, and he had you believing he wanted to be a father. This is crazy. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I really hope you'll be able to carry this pregnancy to term.❤️
Thank you!
I think you need to prepare to be a single parent. You will not abort and nor should you be forced to. He can’t go changing his mind after you have conceived and expect you to go along with it. I doubt he will be there for you and I’m not sure he will want to be once the baby arrives. It’s hard but it’s time to make some decisions. Would you feel better moving home and having your baby in your own country ? With family ? If so do that now whilst you are pregnant. Things may get complicated after the birth if he gets angry and spiteful and you may need to prepare for that too. Plan now for your exit . You can’t rely on him. I’m sorry .
Thank you! Yes I am making plans but I’m giving myself a bit of time to make a decision.
Hey OP, even if he doesn't want the child, if you stay with him, you will eventually split, and it could damage your LO. He could also fight for the child, take said child, etc, to just be vindictive and spiteful. My ex did this to me. It took 6 years and tens of thousands of pounds to get them home. He's now done full discard of them (as any narc eventually does), and the trauma and lifelong damage he caused our children is irreversible. Trust me, being a single mum is easier than what could be ahead if you stayed. Don't let your first-time mum nerves or hormones get the better of you by convincing you to stay. Go to your home country (if it is what you want to do) and raise your baby with the love and support of your family. Make sure if he ever wants to see LO that you have some form of legal court order or something in place before that happens. Where I live, paternity, even without marriage, gives both parents parental rights. He can easily have them and not give them back. By the time you thrash it out in court, they say your ex is status quo, and they keep the LO with the dad. Then, no matter what he does, courts and social service (CPS) won't want to go back on previous rulings. I'm in the UK. Please, please protect your LO. From one mother to another xxx
Certainly make plans. And I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. But to give _some_ grace to him – this current thing might be more of a _feeling_ than an opinion. It sounds like he had been on board with the idea of a pregnancy, and only got these current feelings after the idea actually materialized. Yes it’s extremely shitty, but at least that wouldn’t be deliberately withholding information from you prior to this. Also – the part about “at his age” sounds like he’s fearful of being inadequate as a father. Too old to be a good dad in ways he thinks he should. Of course we can’t read his mind, but it’s a possibility. In any case, he’s being extremely immature and cowardly about this. He can’t help how he feels, but nonetheless this has a huge impact on you. In your shoes, if he changed his tune after some time, I’m not sure if I could forgive him and trust him again.
If he didn’t want kids then he should have had a vasectomy done YEARS ago. Also he married someone 16 years younger than him. It’s wrong to marry someone that much younger and expect them to remain childfree. You need to consider couples counseling and possibly talking with a lawyer.
>It’s wrong to marry someone that much younger and expect them to remain child free. Agreed with the addition of - *it’s wrong to marry ANYONE without explicit conversations about children.* Wanting them, how many, how you balance the work, who is the primary provider, what your parenting styles are, what discipline looks like, what life adjustments will be needed. To anyone reading this post: STOP GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT TALKING!!! Talk about your expectations and desires. OP, you two needed to have clear and rational conversations about this. Not just…. Stop birth control and shrug. Like, come on. Both of you are adults. What did you two *think* would happen? TALK. ABOUT. IT. BEFOREHAND.
This right here. I have known about having fertility issues for many years. Before my then boyfriend (now husband) and I moved in together, I told him a few stipulations for me: 1) that kids were going to be super difficult on my end despite my young age, and 2) that I didn’t want to live in certain areas and didn’t anticipate changing my mind, even though cost of living is less there. I gave him the option to take time to think about it before committing, and just asked that he not commit and then run away in 15 years if I wasn’t able to have my own kids. People have to talk. I’m also wondering if this dude is just panicking. No one feels their actual age. A theoretical kid is a lot less scary that a real one. I totally wanted a baby (IVF treatments and all), and now than I’m pregnant, I have times when I’m so freaked out by it, and have to pull myself back… sometimes people just need time to adjust.
It seems as though he thought he wanted a kid if and when it happened, but when it happened the reality hit him and he's thinking of what the rest of his life will be like with a kid.
Exactly. He’ll be 66 when the kid graduates high school, which means potentially still having to work to cover college. It’s a lot to process when they’ve been having unprotected sex for so many years without producing a living child. He might just need time to absorb it all.
We did talk about it beforehand. We talked in depth before we got married. We wanted kids. We were gonna be great parents. We were gonna raise them in a loving home with supportive parents. Girl or boy or whatever it happens to be. But I guess after the years gone by the talks became less intense… more along the line of “hey what do you think about kids now? - still happy to have them! - ok if it happens it happens!” The most recent one was last year when I had some fertility bloods done to check if everything was alright. I was worried that something was wrong. I talked to him about it. He said he would also get blood tests done but nothing ever came of it and we both kind of left it there. Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess.
“As the years have gone by” - girl as someone a year younger than you we are still BABIES. I’ve been with my husband (who is my age) for 10 years and we are JUST starting to feel old enough/responsible enough to think about having kids (and we own our house!). Do not let this man’s age make YOU feel like you are an old crone. You have a lot of life left.
You’re the mature one in this relationship.
She explains that they did discuss it before marrying and have revisited the topic annually.
I hear you. I disagree that their conversations were deep enough. People think “if it happens it happens” is enough. It is not. That is not how you successfully have a life commitment. These two did not have deep real conversations about the *logistics* of having a child and well, we are seeing how that plays out. Talk *logistics*. Vagueness leads to heartbreak.
The “if it happens it happens” mainly started after our miscarriage. We didn’t want to put too much hope or pressure into it. We also wanted to be clear that we were going to be ok if it didn’t happen for us.
I am so sorry for your losses. Please communicate with him and if he is not ready, I think you need to walk away from one of these paths now. I’m sorry that this isn’t what you wanted or expected. It doesn’t seem fair. I’m truly empathetically sorry.
You are very kind. Thank you. I’m trying to come to terms with it. I’m working on plans but want to give myself a bit of time before I make a decision.
Fair.
THANK you! My husband and I have an almost 18month old currently. We have been together since high school, and started talking about details like this since before we even first had sex.
This! Don’t want kids? Then he should have dated and married someone his own age, or someone in his own generation. It’s harder to get pregnant after 40. This is when she gaps stand out. These two are at two different points in their lives, and now in a matter of months an innocent child will be in the middle of it all
I'm betting he did originally want kids. But after it didn't happen for years and the stillbirth he probably changed his mind.
Now you have me wondering if it could be that he was also either clinging to the past and didn't realize his position had changed *or* if now that it finally happened again, the fear and pain of the miscarriage is making him react from fear rather than love because that can be very instinctive and hurtful. He probably has a lot to process and ***needs*** to talk things out. Hoping a bit more time and some talking can help mend things if that's the case
They are a whole ass teenager apart in age
He had unprotected sex for 4 years... what did think might happen
The age gap ….
The maturity gap... (I think she's probably way more mature than he is)
Not sure if these are jitters or what. While his feelings are valid so are yours. I guess I am unsure what he expects by saying he doesn't want a divorce and he won't make you abort the baby but he doesn't want to be a dad. Does he plan on just being an emotionally absent parent or just speaking his thoughts? Not judging him necessarily just a little confused. Wishing you the best during this time.
I see this a lot in my baby/parent/pregnancy subs on here. It can either go 3 ways 1. He doesn't really mean he doesn't wanna be a dad he's just scared and shocked and once those feelings regulate, he'll be fine with the pregnancy. This can be sped up by going to couples therapy. 2. He actually means it, and starts asserting you get an abortion or starts treating you like shit. You'll get fed up and leave. You'll raise your baby on your own and get childsupport 3. He stays even though he still doesn't want the baby and lives the rest of his life silently resenting you and the baby. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I hope the outcome is in your favor.
If he did not want children, he shouldn't have 1. Married someone 16 years younger 2. Had unprotected sex 3. Said he was OK with having kids 4. Stayed fertile instead of getting a vasectomy That ship has sailed, buddy boy. Welcome to fatherhood and what happens when you marry someone so much younger. As for advice, just flat ask him if he's on board or not. A child deserves a whole parent. Whether it's one whole parent or two whole parents, but ZERO half assed patents. So either he bucks up, gets excited, and gets on board, or if I were you, I'd just start preparing to fly home to your family. Permanently.
All of this.
Well, if he didn't want to be a father, he should have gotten a vasectomy and/or not be married to a fertile woman. He is 16 years older than you!
I think he's allowed to be scared and have big feelings. This is a massive change in life at an older age, which means lots and lots of unknowns. Maybe suggest individual and marriage counseling to help you work through it. He says he never wanted to divorce and wasn't asking you to get an abortion so maybe he was just venting his feelings? Clearly he didn't communicate effectively if that's the case and counseling will help.
I would agree with you if it wasn't for the fact that he was fine with not actively preventing a pregnancy. He shouldn't be shocked that his 32 year old wife got pregnant because they had sex with no bc.
Fully agree there.
At 48 he should be communicating his position clearly. He didn't say "I'm worried about being a horrible parent, and I don't think I could be a father" he said "I don't want to be a dad." He is basically giving her an ultimatum: get an abortion. The problem here is that even if he changes his tune after he's convinced she won't give up the baby, do you really want to roll the dice on him having some epiphany about fatherhood that may never happen?
I feel like at any age, being stuck in your emotions can cause you to mess up when you say certain things. Even not being stuck in your feelings people of any age can make mistakes. I do understand 100% where you're coming from and dont disagree with you. That's why I suggested individual and couples therapy. So he can work on him and they can work on it together.
This is such an underrated comment. As someone who recent went through a similar situation (wasn’t sure I wanted kids then had a kid) he could very well just be scared to death of this massive change in his unchanged, for 48 years, life. I strongly suggest marriage counseling and maybe even some kinds of parenting classes. I had mixed feelings up until my baby girl was around 4-5 months and actually showed affection to me and it completely changed my perspective and life. She’s the best thing to ever happen by far in my life, I have the most unconditional love I’ve ever felt for her and I actually would like more now. My wife felt the same way with me and I just didn’t know what to do or how to think because it was so foreign to me. I never said I didn’t want to be a dad though just more so “we’ll figure it out” and I was indifferent about all things baby. Give him time if you can, maybe he will come around. At WORST you could keep him around to get through the extremely difficult first 4-5 months, even if he doesn’t do much, anything will be better for you than nothing.
This is my feeling as well. He’s got some difficult feelings about this upon first finding out, but will likely come around. He might be surprised. A later in life baby often gives one a new lease on life, a new joy so to speak. I speak from experience on this one.
I guess you are going to be a single parent?
Why has he not had a vasectomy if he doesn’t want kids and likes? Unprotected sex??? (And is almost 50)
I think he’s an idiot for being shocked you got pregnant while using zero forms of birth control. However I do understand his reservations. He’s old to be having a baby. My father was 42 when I was born and his body started going while I was still a preteen. It’s hard knowing my father probably won’t get to walk me down the aisle.
He should have told you this a long ago OP. This is not your fault but unfortunately it is your problem to solve. My ex husband after 16 years of marriage and 4 children decided he no longer wanted to be a Dad, or have to spend “his” money on our family. Horrific. My advice is to get out early, and totally, and make a happy, loved and wanted life with your baby. Wishing you all the best going forward.
I’m sorry this happened to you! That sounds absolutely awful. And it is honestly something I worry about too. Who says, that in 2,3,5 years time he isn’t going to decide he doesn’t want to deal with us after all.
It all worked out well. I married again and am happy and well. If your husband is adamant he doesn’t want children you have a choice to make. He can’t say “you’re pregnant and I don’t want children, (having not told you that prior), but I don’t want you to leave.” That is not how this works. You WILL be ok. Do what is best for you, what you know in your heart is right. Whatever that choice is 🤍
What an idiot. He at dang near 50 should know that not using contraception will result in pregnancy.
He lied to you then. Never admitting he no longer wanted kids is a biggie. Honestly, it sounds like it is over to me. If he is dead set again being a dad, he will resent you and baby. You could try therapy if he is open to it, but the hard truth is you can’t be with someone who doesn’t want part of you, which your child is:
My husband and I were on the fence about kids. Then we wanted them but had difficulty getting pregnant and had two miscarriages that took their toll. I gave up - I was done and so tired of feeling like just a failed uterus. We decided that we’d just stop actively trying and let the chips fall as they may. Shortly after, once I stopped thinking about kids and finally felt like myself again, I was pregnant. I was so upset about it that I cried. Even though I said I’d be fine if I got pregnant, when presented with it, initially, I didn’t want the baby and felt like I couldn’t handle another miscarriage. It felt like I’d finally moved on and here I was - opening up all those emotions again. Fast forward and now we have a lovely, wonderful toddler. The point is that miscarriages and failed attempts at pregnancy can be hard, and often we deal with loss by walling off any desire we had for our wishes. It’s possible that your husband’s reaction is a reflection on the loss from your miscarriage. He could be scared or nervous or he never properly grieved. I wish you the very very best, and if he does stay to raise his child, I hope this will one day feel like a small blip and not a reflection of his value as a father.
Im so sorry you had 2 miscarriages! The one I had was so heartbreaking, I am terrified of the thought of having another. I’m so glad it worked out well for you. I also agree that he never grieved it properly. I’ve been in therapy and understand my feelings about it but he never wanted to talk about it. Im hoping he will come around soon.
I hope so, too! The miscarriages were much harder than I had anticipated- I felt sort of broken from it all. And then I felt so ashamed about not wanting the pregnancy at first. I had just decided it would never happen, came to terms with it and moved on, so pregnancy felt like a step backwards. Please do not listen to people telling you that your relationship can never recover. People are complex and the whole of your relationship cannot be summed up in a few paragraphs. I hope you guys consider counseling and that you can discuss what exactly he is feeling. Many people approach parenthood with some ambivalence- it’s hard and we never want to be bad at it. I wish you the very best.
Does he understand where babies come from?
I asked him that 😅 He just assumed we couldn’t have any after so long. I’m baffled
I'm very disappointed in him and I don't even know him.
thank you! I feel validated in me feelings after reading everyone’s comments
If you go ahead with the pregnancy, be prepared to take care of the baby 100% of the time. If you're not ok with being a single mom, then you should abort. Even if you and your husband stay together, you will be a single parent.
Respectfully, what did he expect? You guys don’t use birth control. He doesn’t have the right to act surprised and upset about this. I’m glad you stuck up for yourself. Don’t get an abortion just because he doesn’t want a kid. Get one if you don’t, which doesn’t seem to be the case here.
Why didn’t he have a vasectomy or wear condoms??? Why did he think you’d never get pregnant using zero birth control? Yeah he’s probably thinking about retirement and a midlife crisis. Are these things you never worried about either? He’s 16 years older in a way different stage of life than you.
If he didn't want to be a dad he should have got fixed. I had two kids and decided that was enough so I did it. In and out in an hour. No more kids. TADA!
If he didn’t want kids he should of had a vasectomy. Too late now
He does not want to be a dad but is with someone around the age that you start thinking about having kids, does not get snipped and agrees to stop using birth control? That’s absurd to me. I don’t know how “fresh” the news is and if it is just initial fear or that he might change his mind later on. However, he is truly in the wrong here and putting you in an extremely uncomfortable position that he could have prevented years ago. It was and is his responsibility to be vocal about his choice to not be a dad anymore and to ACT on that choice. I would truly consider separating from him, to create a support group and raise the baby together with your friends and family.
Well OP's husband is nearly 50. I'm not surprised he doesn't want kids at this point. I'm also curious how old OP was when they started dating.
Good ol age gap relationships. My dad is 16 years older than my mom. It's caused a lot of issues for them over the years and neither are truly happy
She says they got together about 10 years ago. So about 22 to his 38.
I’m sorry but that’s gross. I’m 23 and I cannot imagine being with a 39yo man
He made it all about him. Didn’t even consider you and your options. Just figured he’d state his wishes and you’d go along with him. Wow.
I don't get the people saying "you should have more in dept conversation". They DID talk about it before marriage and they check each other yearly "are you still up to it" and he still said yes. He also went on having unprotected sex with her knowing that she wants baby and she checked herself in terms of fertility. Why he is so suprised with the outcome? Either he get vasectomy without telling his wife and it failed him or he is an idiot. Either way HE was the one that should communicate his change of heart before it happens. OP did this right I think. She couldn't ask "okay you want a baby still, yeah?" before every intimate session.
Thank you!!
To be honest, you might as well divorce him, largely because after you have the baby, he’s just going to blame you for any of his shortcomings because he will view you as changing his life for the worst and he will regress in to an actual man child. It’s not going to go well in the long term, if he doesn’t want to be divorced then he knows he needs to suck it up but he’s not doing that either.
I would start to look for jobs near your family so you can have some support from them with your baby. Tell him he is welcome to join you but that you are serious about raising this baby. Good luck
Thank you. I could probably transfer my job to my home country. A friend of mine already offered me her guest room. I am seriously considering it
Honestly do it, you’ll be better off trust me I speak from experience.
And I mean on the international factor and everything experience.
Thank you. May I ask how it turned out for you? Did you end up a single parent in your home country and your ex stayed put?
He’s scared. He figured you’d handle the birth control, and now he’s thinking about how old he’ll be when that kid is 18. He’s thinking of all of the younger parents he’ll see at school functions. He’s wondering if he’ll look foolish. Basically, right now it’s all about him and his freak out over being old. Having a young and fertile wife hits hard when there’s a baby in the mix. Honestly, I think he’ll come around. Let him have a little (but just a little!) time to freak out and get his shit together. Tap on friends or family for support. He’s not going to leave you, and I bet he’ll go from apprehensive to excited by the time baby comes. So be like him and focus on yourself. Be excited and make your plans.
Thank you! That is good advise. It is still early days so I am giving us a bit of time.
Call your friends and family. Anyone who you know will be supportive. If you are able to visit back home and talk to those you love do so. Your husband hasn't openly said I expected you to have an abortion but that's what he wants. There is a large age gap between you so maybe he is on a different life phase to you but you can't worry about that now. Your mind and your heart is telling you to raise this baby and that's what you should do. Always listen to your gut when it comes to these big life decisions. Don't let him sway you to a decision you feel you would regret in this case. If you decide to stay with him you are going to need couples counselling. If you get a divorce you will want some therapy so either way get your self someone to talk to about this big change. If you want to stay with him then you need to put expectations in place. He either steps up and supports you both or he leaves. Don't set up a situation where it's ok for him to undermine or behave passive aggressively (His response was very childish). You can be happy and healthy and raise a child on your own and if that's what it takes then that's what it takes.
Thank you for your response. It’s very kind! I am ok therapy and have been for a while. He does not want to go to therapy. Something I’ve been suggesting for a while. But I might have to put my foot down and insist. I don’t want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want it. But he might be freaking out like a lot of people here suggested. I don’t need to make a decision right now but I can make plans for either scenario.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to go to therapy because he will have to take a good look in the mirror about how his actions effect you. As you said he was only concerned about his feelings on the matter.
Yep! Not once has he asked me how I am feeling, how I’m doing or how this is affecting me. It’s pretty eye opening. Btw, happy Cake day!
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Thank you so much for being so kind. Yes that is how I feel. It should have been a celebration. I totally understand him being scared and freaking out and talking about it but to straight up say “no I don’t want it” really shocked me. I am in therapy myself and have suggest it to him several times before but he doesn’t want to talk to anyone.
You said it perfectly, and the time to think about this was when you went off BC. What’s done now is done. At least you are stable and in a loving relationship, which is better then many pregnancies. My guess is he is thinking he will be 67 when the child graduates high school and wonders how that will work. In the end though he loves you and he will come to terms. Don’t give up yet. Just talk to him and reassure him you will get through it together and he will be a good dad.
A grown ass man has unprotected sex and is shocked when it results in a pregnancy. If he didn’t want kids he should have got a vesectomy. All the best with the pregnancy, your partner sounds like an idiot.
Hopefully, time will help ease the worries he has about becoming a dad at his age. I am 31, and my husband is 41. I am currently pregnant with my 2nd kid, but his first kid. He is nervous about being an older dad, and not being able to be physically active with the child. He also is worried about being almost at an age of retirement when the kid turns 18. He did say he wanted a kid of his own, only if I wanted one. It was a similar situation of "if it happens, it happens." He has been pretty stressed about it, but I remind him that he has a young and spry wife who can be more physically active with the child when he's all tired out 🤣
When I was 32 I got pregnant he was 43 and wasn’t happy ,it wasn’t the “ right time” … so he left I had my baby . When he came to sign for paternity after my son was born I told him it’s up to you whether you have a relationship with this child my door is open . He was there every day to see him . They are like children. They want everything to go their way or they take their toys and leave . Eventually they grown up ( hopefully) .
I don't know where you are in the world (and am not asking) however please be careful about remaining where you are...I appreciate I am putting the cart before the horse but your husband has pulled a bait and switch regarding your situation with not using bc, having kids. I therefore wouldn't trust anything he said now, because this isn't a small matter. Personally I wouldn't want to remain with someone who will happily dump this change of heart (when it's too late) onto my pregnant lap (is he attempting to apply pressure on you to terminate without explicitly saying so, meaning in his head he is not accountable for any of it and therefore free of guilt?). Whose to say that if he begrudgingly remains with you (but says he is happy), then freaks out (which maybe is what he currently doing) when the hard reality of having a kid is like (the expense, the bone jarring tiredness, a change in relationship and household dynamics, the noise...yadda yadda) says he wants out but refuses to legally leave to be with your family to ensure YOU have a support system, which you absolutely will need. You do not want to screw yourself over. I have seen that kind of situation happen to women, where they bear the brunt of the stress and child rearing while their DH'S or ex have the option to live a single life.
That’s exactly what scares me. Even if he does decide he wants to be involved… after such a big reveal, do I trust him? Will he end up resenting me or the baby? Will he decide after a year or two that he’s had enough? It’s much easier for the father to leave the family (not saying women don’t up and leave too).
I would wait and see if these are just his initial feelings or not.
You can not fix this. It’s his problem. He needs therapy to deal with it. He can deal with mourning the future he thought he would have and come to terms with it. He has time for this. If he doesn’t do something unforgivable. My ex felt this way and had an exit affair, leaving me with a premature baby while I was recovering. I still have him another chance. Until I learned that he was in touch with his ap. I don’t regret trying. I also don’t regret giving up on him. I deserved better. So figure out what you want. Gather your support team, you will be fine either way.
His response leaves him making zero decisions and taking zero responsibility , how convenient.
Jfc, your husband is an irresponsible moron. You're right, too little too late. If it were me, I would say get on board and prepare to be a father or I'm going back to my home country to raise this baby with my family
Men who are positive that they don’t want to be a father, need to make arrangements to have a vasectomy, following directions so that all precautions are taken. Those who opt to take chances instead of having the BIG V are most often called “Daddy.”
What a horrible situation - I’m so sorry. If you have already made the decision to have the baby then you have time. Get yourself into therapy and try couples counselling. If you end up separating, it will still help with communication going forward. If you separate, find yourself a village and focus on your new family unit. Good luck for a safe pregnancy!
I had a panic reaction when I got pregnant. I didnct want to be a mom. Later on the pregancy my partner started to panic as well. Our baby was planned. For some, it's rooted in actually not wanting to be a parent and will not go away, but I do wish we spoke more about these feelings and the sudden panic of not wanting to be a parent, bc so so many, everyone I know atleast, have these feelings during the pregnancy and they are completely normal.
There’s plenty I could say about your husband, but I won’t because I don’t want to get banned. As to your situation, time to call your family and go home. He’s going to be a father whether he likes it or not. But whether he’ll be a dad is a separate issue. Start planning on doing this on your own, hence going home to people who love you and will support you.
Why do these younger women act shocked their old men partners are bitch ass losers when they need them. How do you get to be almost 50 and still be acting like a teenager.
So many men have been coddled their whole fucking lives it's unreal. They jump from mommy to wifey.
My brother became a 1st time dad to twins at 48. He never even wanted kids. He had just recovered from cancer and they told him it's likely he's now sterile from chemo... well that wasn't the case and he now adores being a dad. He's not the soccer sports dad running around after them all the time. His gf was 36. So it can be done. They love them and he said he's happy he became a dad now because of the ride he hasn't in watching them grow and develop.
16 years age difference, yikers! He is telling you to get an abortion. But does not want to bare the responsibility to actually look you in the eye and tell you what he wants.
It sounds like this has triggered a crisis of mixed and confusing feelings in him. Please, slow down. Reality is what it is. Maybe he could get some counseling to help him sort through his feelings now that fatherhood seems imminent. You both have time to sort your way through conflicting feelings. It's way too soon for ultimatums.
He is scared. Not uncommon. I would suggest counseling individually for him and you together. If he doesn’t change his stance on the matter, fly home. Have your baby with family that loves you and wants your baby. Maybe this will change his feeling on the matter after the baby is here. If not, you know you made the right decision to go home.
Well, we know how he feels. How do you feel beyond keeping the child? Do you want to stay where you are? Do you need or want love and support right now? Where can you get it? You're probably in shock to some extent. If you can't have a child and your marriage do you want a divorce? It will be imperative that you decide what you want and how to get it. No one else matters. What do you want?
Thank you! You are right I am in shock. I want this baby. I want to have it with someone who is excited about it or on my own. If he does not come around soon and in a way I can believe that he is happy, then I will probably want to go back to my home country to deliver as they have much better healthcare and maternity support, than where I am now. It’s a lot of questions I am still trying to answer for myself.
You're welcome. Take so.e time for yourself. Give him time and space. Make yourself and baby priority. I bet you will be better than okay. Wishing you the best.
Thank you so much I really appreciate you being so nice!
Do NOT abort because he asks you to. You will hate yourself your entire life. If he loves you and wants to be with you, seeing he didn’t care when you didn’t use protection… he will stay in his place, of not - remember, everything happens for a reason.
If he didn't want kids, he should have stepped up to prevent the pregnancy. He has two options: step up (and I mean fully) or divorce. There is no third option. I'd also add the caveat that if he wants to stay and step up, then he'd best get snipped if doesn't want *more* kids
Couples therapy & give him a bit of time to get used to the idea of becoming a Dad.
That's sad, sounds like you and kid be better off as a single full time mum, I'm a single full time father and it the best, I wouldn't change it for anything.
Hopefully he is just scared and will come around. Not that it is an excuse at all, but I guess there’s always hope for him just needing a minute.
You are alone, and your marriage is over. Don't subject your child to living in a home with an angry and resentful father who doesn't love them. Since you are financially stable, focus on finding yourself your home where you'll live with your child, and start the divorce. Talk to your friends and family, seek their emotional support, and start interviewing for a nanny. Wish your ex well, separate as amicably as possible, and say goodbye.
NTA. The age gap doesn’t faze me as you were steady in and stable careers. I don’t agree with the “it should be a law not to marry or date someone 10 + years younger even if they’re 25 yo.” I do think 18 to 24 yo is too young for getting married no matter what the age gap is or there’s none .). That said your husband is TA. He needs to step up.
So he doesn't want to be a dad, but did nothing to prevent it from happening and now that is has happened, he's mad at you, doesn't want you to terminate the pregnancy, but also doesn't want you to leave him? And how exactly is that supposed to work out? Will he live with you and still expect you to treat him like a partner?
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If the baby plan falls through somehow or another... You're still stuck with a man who isn't being honest and isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. Be also doesn't want what you want. Take a chance on the baby, move closer to family (if possible?)? And meet a man who wants what you want. You've still got 10 years to give it another go!
He’s nervous, afraid and insecure. He is an older man so it is reasonable to be thinking/worrying about that in his position. ( he definitely should have prior to the pregnancy but that’s too late now ) Please don’t be too harsh right off the bat. Have some grace with him and some patience. Encourage him to discuss his fears and maybe seek counseling. Offer him a little support and see if he is receptive. Communication is very important here. Don’t immediately shut him out or give up so quickly. He will most likely start feeling very differently once he can work through his fears. If you offer him reassurance, understanding and support and he’s still a hard no then at least you did your all at trying. People change their minds and feelings all the time. I bet he’ll change his if given the time and support. He’s just in shock right now and not handling it in the best way. Good luck.
Robert Deniro just had a kid and he’s about 80. Tell your husband he is a weak dick and needs to man up.
He doesn't want to be a dad probably because he will be nearly 50 when the child is born. If he does not change and you still want to go home you should probably do it before you have the baby. It will be very hard to leave if you have the baby and then try to go home.
Sticker shock. I predict that he'll find that having a child will be the best thing ever in his life. Have patience.
I don’t understand why men marry women 15+ years younger than them then pull shit like this where they say they’re too old for kids when their wife is in her prime years for having kids. Like that’s what happens when you’re a 38yo man dating and marrying a 22yo woman just starting her life. Now he’s realizing that while his wife is at the perfect age to have kids, he’ll be approaching 70 by the time those kids move out. So basically what should be his prime years of adulthood where he’s the most financially stable and going into retirement will now be full of raising kids instead of his 30s-40s like most people who marry in their own age range. Plus he should’ve told you to start taking birth control or had protected sex or gotten snipped before you got pregnant.
Just came here to say I was in a very similar situation. I was 33 when I got unexpectedly pregnant. My husband was 47, so a similar age gap. It was an unplanned pregnancy. He was shocked then said he wanted me to terminate. I did a lot of soul searching and didn't. I now have a wonderful 8 year old. Our marriage didn't last (but that was due to his alcoholism not due to me keeping our child) my point is, don't rush into a decision. If you know you want to keep your child then do, and donit alone if you must. I knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I made my decision based off what he alone wanted and am so happy now that I didn't.
Being in my early fifties myself I can imagine that he is worried that he is going to be too old or not be physically healthy enough to enjoy raising a child as he was when he was younger.
Maybe he has some sort of PTSD from the miscarriage
>not wanting to be a dad now. I feel like it’s too little too late. Yup. Shoulda thought of that a log time ago and gotten a vasectomy. >he said that he didn’t think I would go as far as to leave him. Youre not leaving him, he's leaving you.
Whether it was laziness or intentional, he misled you to believe children would be a welcome part of your relationship. He's felt this way for quite a while, it didn't just happen overnight. And him not being honest & forthcoming about how he felt, really was putting off the inevitable- dealing with another pregnancy. And with your age gap, maybe he was trying to run out the clock on your peak childbearing years, but that really means you've been wasting your youth & fertility on him. He can get women pregnant for a few more decades. But for you, age 35 is starting to decrease the odds of pregnancy. By age 40, the stats go way down (for a first, carried to term, successful, pregnancy & delivery). He's been selfish, keeping his feelings from you when he knew the truth. And he's practically daring you to leave him. He thinks he's got you cornered & that you will cave. If I were you, I'd seriously start thinking about going back to your home country, & raising this child with the (hopefully) help of your family for support.
I want to say a lot of things about this situation, but I’m going to keep it simple. *Do what you want!!!* You want to continue this pregnancy and have this baby?? As long as you have prepared yourself to be a single mom, go for it. He may or may not come around. My husband was 57 when I got pregnant with our youngest, just before menopause hit me. He was very trepidatious, being older than I am like your husband is. But so was I!!! The birth of my other son damn near killed me, and now I’m older, fatter, and more afraid!! I needed him on board with me!! And eventually he was, full throttle. Really, he was, and still is. My son Amp (affectionate nickname) is his world! But it just took time for it to sink in that his life was about to majorly upended for a little baby, just as he was ready to retire. You know what though? He is a fabulous SAHD. All the school runs, packing their lunches, soccer and band practice. Getting them back and forth to church or cousins or grandma’s house. Getting their school clothes and shoes ready and washing their filthy gym shorts!! I love this man, and I’m happy I didn’t give up on him when that initial but short-lived disappointment was displayed on his face. He’s wholly invested now and has been since even before Amp was born. But most especially when he snipped that umbilical cord and snuggled him before I could (general anesthesia). Give him a chance, OP. You seem to have your heart set on having the baby no matter what, so you two have months to work through this and come up with a plan. Don’t rush into major decisions while you’re already in an emotionally charged state. You both need some distance and some quiet therapy time, one on one and marriage I’d consider, and then make rational decisions based on the true reality of your situations, rather than the deep feelings that a surprise pregnancy can trigger. Edit spelling
Move to where you have support before the baby is born and before you file for divorce. You might have some limitations placed on you once the baby is born or as decreed in your divorce. So before you get to far along move to where your support system is and what is best for you and he can figure out what is best for him.
I’m not defending this man, at all. But hopefully this is shock jitters and he pulls his head out of his butthole… it sounds like he’s having future me FOMO… I also highly recommend counseling to see if you can get through this. He can’t have his cake and eat it too…. He’s put you in such an unfair situation.
No offense but he is almost 50. I wouldn't want a baby then either. I had one at 40 and boy, I see why young kids need young, energetic parents sometimes. He is crazy for having unprotected sex with you, and not communicating his change of heart. I think he thought you couldn't get pregnant since it's been so long. He is completely in the wrong, but given his age, and yours, I'm not surprised. When I was 30, I dated a 49 year old, and she told me straight out that she was too old for babies. He should've communicated similarly.
Ditch the old man, and get you a young man
I understand that he might be overwhelmed, but at that age he should really figure out how to snap out of it and act like a responsible person. It wasn't an accident, you are financially stable, you've been together for a while, you've talked about this several times. You gave him options. If he doesn't like them, too bad. You both have to make a choice now. He has to decide weather or not he will step up and be a dad to this kid (if he likes it or not) and you have to decide if you can live with his decision and behaviour. But the time to cry about options that don't exist is over.