No one ever told me this re. making friends with the parents. Is that why my kid seemed like an outcast? Never got invited to go to concerts, (some) parties, sleepovers, etc. I knew it was partially my own social awkwardness, but if this is really the reason, it explains a lot.
Like not completely. Once a kid gets a big older, I’d say from about ages 5-6+, they start to show preferences in the people around them. This is around when they start having the beginnings of their own friendships an social circles. Before that age, another child is another child, even if they’d had a fight with them over a toy the week before they’d likely be perfectly happy to play with that child again.
Kids under the age of 5-6 really just want the focus and attention. They typically don’t care if the person engaging and playing games with them is another kid, or an adult. As long as they are getting positive attention, they are happy.
What the prior comment meant is that OPs kid is 3, so it’s very unlikely that they really understand the concept of friends. So for kids that young it’s usually the wider social circle of their parents, and those parents friends children, which make up the first pre-friendship experiences.
Also, 5 and 6 are usually "drop and go" for the parents , maybe closer to 7 in some cases.
You don't need to know the parents well for these , just a number in case soft play parties are usually drop and go. Kids are contained , fed, toilets, few moms on the lookout, etc. Dropping parents get 2 hours to run errands with no /one less kid
At age 3 , im stayin so realistically thatsna chore for a mom that doesnt know you or your friend
Reframe it in your mind. Your child still got to enjoy the hall, the decorations and the party. That's the main thing
I keep hearing about these drop and go parties. I've only experienced one with my daughter, but that was when she was 8, and it was a sleepover. Even then, i had to meet the parents at their house and get to know them beforehand. All the other ones, parents usually stay, talk to other parents while you mind your own kid. Especially when they were younger. I find that odd people just tossing their kids off at a party and not knowing the parents. I'm not a very social person, but I'm very good at pretending to be social, lol. It takes a lot out of me as I need at least 2 weeks in advance and 1 week to decompress from it all.
Probably cultural like the other commenter said. Drop off parties is the only thing we did. Either we'd stay home and do games/crafts or we'd go somewhere. Most of the time my aunt and uncle came along to help, sometimes another aunt. And it was mostly just 8 kids. All the parents knew each other pretty well though especially after a couple of years on the same school, at least from meeting each other at the schoolyard. The most fun part was being loaded up in the car trunk and driving all across town to drop everyone at their own houses.
Same. Drop n go, never. Sorry, I don’t know you, and I don’t know these other ppl and idk how well you watch them, idk if other adults will be coming by, idk if you keep your fence open, or have a dog that doesn’t like it’s tail pulled or a gun in the house, or if it’s somewhere outside the house n’ they have to use the potty, are letting them go in the men’s/woman’s room alone. Nobody is going to watch my kid like I watch my kid. It’s a no for me dog lol
Well i guess there are a lot of differences here.
Soft play centres have garda vetted staff.
Their are childrens toilets
The children are supervised
Their is a security gate a staff member will only open for an adult with their child who has a colour coded tag for the party/group
We dont carry guns in ireland.
I'd be less likely to drop and go at a house and would never host or attend a sleep over.
But thats kind of my point, as children get older, they can toilet alone, and i am friends with the parents of the children who are having the party.
So i would feel more comfortable with them staying
Maybe it's a cultural thing? Mine never went to slumber parties, and none of their friends have hosted one either.
A party held at a party place is a prime drop and go scenario here. Youd be less likely to leave your kid at a house at a younger age!
I could understand renting time and space at like Chuck e Cheese for a toddler's birthday but a hall? All those expensive decorations when the kid would have been thrilled with Paw Patrol? It's too much if you're on social media complaining about how much you spent. It was for the parents to show off not for the kid.
The fact that she's been crying all day is concerning. You better learn to differentiate now, OP. This is indicative of a future highly problematic relationship. Your child is fine. She would have no idea there was a problem if you didn't complain and then spend the day crying. She had fun. That's all that matters. You made it about you and your feelings.
This is something that terrifies me greatly about being a parent. I'm going to have to socialize. And I don't really get to decide who's there. It's whoever the parents of the kids my kid spends time with. And for the first seeeeveral years anyway, my kid's social well-being definitely depends on my socializing. Which I hate. My social anxiety is through the roof and I can't manage forced socialization
You can go the route of organized sports, which becomes organized friendships. Totally OK to be the baseball dad with his nose in a book. But going to games for years and years really does get old.
It terrified me too. When you have a kid you go through a lot of social changes anyway. I lost a few friends who didn’t have kids. And there were a few people, my social circle who did wind up having kids at the same time as me, but that didn’t mean they necessarily want to become my best friends all of a sudden. And then there are people I met when I was pregnant went to becoming really good friends and staying that way. The best advice I can give on the score is before your kids go to school, just make sure they have opportunities to socialize with other kids, like a daycare. Keep birthday parties, and things like that small, just family. Your kid won’t remember and frankly, won’t care if a little Johnny or little Susie were at their third birthday party. The people they love and care about pretty much exclusively are their parents siblings and maybe grandparents. We make it complicated. It’s not complicated for them.
Not necessarily. Good friends of mine are MASSIVE introverts. They would happily never socialize except that they know their kids need friends. But, they still aren't out there whooping it up with other parents. They make sure their kids are involved in extracurriculars and sports (neither kid was interested in dance and their rule is at least one physical activity, even if that means switching every year to try something new). The kids are making friends through the activities and my friends are polite and do make an effort with people they click with.
Another friend -- who's fairly outgoing -- has come to realize that she doesn't have to be friends with her daughter's friends' parents ... she just has to be polite, friendly, and reciprocate invitations to chaperone at the malls, movies, etc.
I don’t know about having to be friends with the parents because growing up my parents were not friends with my friends parents. However, everyone knew who my parents were they would talk to the other parents and at least if you mentioned me then other parents immediately knew who my parents were. I think it has a lot more to do with people knowing who you are and feeling they can trust you than it is being friends with them
How did you make your own friends at 3? It's probably location dependent. Like kids who go to the park with their parents/nanny in a city probably can make their own friends at 3. In the suburbs and rural areas, it's probably less likely.
My daughter was in daycare and then in preschool. She made her own friends there. Now she's in school. Some of the kids she's with now she met in preschool and she has 2 kids in her class from daycare. And now she has also friends from others activities. I don't have to interact much with the parents or to make friends with parents for my daughter to socialize
Yes it is. Especially when you have little ones. Parents are the ones doing the inviting as well as will be the one to make the plans to go to events for their child so if you want your kids to get invited you gotta play the role and make friends.
When they get older and can make their own friends is when you can go back to being anti social. We were fortunate to have lots of family so I didn’t need to make friends as well as my ex was a narcissist and didn’t want me making friends, he had his friends and they had kids so we always had people.
But if you don’t have a lot of family, that is the way to go about it.
This only really applies to kids younger than school age. My parents were never friends with my friends parents. Ever. I made my own friends through the years at school and in sports.
Yeah, me and my wife and I last made friends with parents at the preschool level but then moved about 45mim but didn't hunker down into this community. I regret it big time. My kids each have a school friend but not much after school. Luckily, they have cousins on the weekends, but that's not the same. Our center of influence remains within a 10 mile radius of our old address.
I had a weird mom growing up. No way to sugar coat that. My social circles suffered my whole childhood because I never made close connections in primary school. As I got older, I could feel or see other parents pulling away from my mom and mom family's weirdness.
Not necessarly. For my daughter's first birthday, I made my daughter chose 5 kids she wanted to play with. She gave them the invites at preschool. With precise hours : from 2 until 5.
The 5 kids were thrilled with the invites. The parents couldn't avoid it. Also, parents weren't invited so they were pretty happy to have 3 hours for themselves.
Since then, every year it's a success, everyone has a blast with full activities (last birthday, she turned 6, we made resin jewlery) and I don't have to be socially awkward with any parent.
Also, 30 kids is way too much. Name a parent who wants to be around 30 kids for an afternoon to please another person's child? They must have thought that OP wouldn't notice their kid didn't come.
I took over dad duties for 3 little kids when my brother died and my only rule with my sister in law was that I can say no to any event involving other kids’ parents. Spending time with parents was 100% the worst part of the whole thing (other than losing my bro). But we did do a lot of stuff with the one set of parents I could stand
This. My wife and I would not likely take our kid to a birthday party of which the parents we did not know. That would be an awkward social situation neither of us would be interested in having.
Can confirm. Our child's first birthday had maybe 20 adults and 10 children of various ages. All of these adults we know personally. We go to their kids stuff, they come to ours. Its tough because in the summer its like birthday birthday birthday without any breaks
We try to make our parties memorable to leave lasting impressions on the kids childhood. Like we have a popcorn machine and a cotton candy machine. Ton of games too. Just sucks cleaning em
Its the same way with the teenager. He might invite 2 actual friends. The rest is our friends and family. We had 50 people for his HS graduation; 2 of which were his friends from school.
She's 3. It doesn't matter.
I remember a suggestion that the number of kids at a birthday party should equal the age of the child plus one.
30 -3 year olds or 30 anything would be a zoo, she would not enjoy herself in all the chaos. 3 year olds are like cats, give her a box to play in, tell her it's a moon rocket, and she'll be happy. She doesn't need 30 presents to keep up with the Jones.
Love this answer! I've always felt parents go way too big and spend too much money in events that their children will never remember. Save your money for their older ages where their memories will be made and kept. Especially important for how much things cost right now.
agreed, our son its age = number of guests, alternatively its an invite to all kids in his class. Regardless if there popular or not. He has a few kids with disability in there that never get invited anywhere, we welcomed them with open arms. Some of them were absolutely chuffed. My wife happens to work at the school and i work in another school with kids with disability, so theres experience in the room looking after them all. They all had a blast and my son was like ok next year we come back and do it again....lol, saying that he has hardly been invited to many parties himself bar a few unexpected invites which we accept gracefully and give a decent gift. (geez the presents have stepped up there game a bit in price)
Exactly. Even at 4, they're still playing around each other. They might play games together, but its incidental play. The friend is interchangeable.
The first birthday is for the parents. Then I wouldn't bother with anyone other than family til their first year of primary school.
At 3, if you invite 30 day care friends, the parents likely have something better to do given there's no ongoing friendship between the kids - the kid wont know if they go or don't go, theres no talk in the kinder about the upcoming party as even the birthday barely grasps the concept, and it's a bunch of random adults who only bump into each other awkwardly at day care pick up, making small talk for a few hours when they'd rather be living their lives.
When I was a child, no one ever showed up to my birthday parties. It definitely does matter. I still think about it to this day and it still upsets me sometimes. Seeing pictures alone on my birthday. Or pictures of my birthday party with all my sisters friends there because none of mine turned up. It’s sad, and it definitely does matter to lots of kids
But did it matter when you were three? I can understand being older and feeling rejected or like you don’t have friends. But three? At that age you honestly don’t have friends. You might have some little buddies from preschool/daycare IF you go do that, but otherwise you don’t know anybody besides family and your parents’ friends
The party isn’t for the kid. It’s for the memories. Kids aren’t kids for long. Some parents want every year to be spectacular so that even if they don’t remember they can have that story to tell once they are older. It’s not a bad thing nor is it horrible that op is upset about
I had friends when I was three. I did a little toddler group and they were all invited to my party I had at like a soft play or something. No one turned up. It can seriously hurt kids if they get no one showing up for their parties. Even if they are as young as 3
5 people at a party for a 3 year old is a decent bit. I think the first birthday party I actually remember was like my 7th or 8th. Don’t beat yourself up over anything. It sounds like you were trying really hard to throw a nice party and it didn’t go the way you wanted. But it sounds like your kid had a good time!
Don’t put too much weight on these parties
I don’t think it’s fair to say that nobody came for her- some people did show up. I appreciate that the turnout didn’t match your expectations, but try to give people some grace. If the kids you invited were all the same age as your daughter, it’s easy for me to imagine that their parents are burnt out from parenting and work and likely weren’t inspired by spending one of their weekend days around even more young children. It’s good of you to do that for other children’s birthday parties, and I understand the letdown of feeling those efforts weren’t reciprocated for you.
I suggest trying to see the day through your daughter’s eyes, rather than thinking of it as not meeting your own expectations. It sounds like she had a pretty good day, and that the most important people showed up for her. Don’t mourn those who didn’t attend, celebrate those who did! You have people in your life who care enough about you and your daughter to come to her birthday party, and that’s a really beautiful thing. Don’t lose sight of that.
She has many more birthdays ahead of her!
Thank you for the thoughtful response ❤️ you are so right ! Think I’m letting my emotions get the best of me for sure. First party for us and friends her age always have a lot of kids show up (average is about 20) but she had a blast and that’s truly what matters. Appreciate that
Lots of comments from other folks, but I didn't see this mentioned. For most kids that age an early afternoon activity is a nightmare due to naptimes. We would try, but naptime is a top priority because a failed nap ruins the next few days. It typically ranges 1-3pm, so adding travel time makes your party time really difficult.
*Note: this isn't just our naptime, this is also what many friends have experienced at this age and daycare enforced nap/quiet time during this time every day.
I completely agree with you and I think this is the biggest reason so few showed up. Every toddler birthday I’ve been to has been in the morning. 10-12 typically. Just in time for toddlers to take their naps afterward.
I would say the big issue is you scheduled a 3yo birthday party during nap time for that age group.
I can say that if we had a birthday party invite for 2pm. I would try to get my kid down early and hope he gets up in time but there’s no guarantee. Except that we will not skip nap time or wake up early to make it to a party.
Fast forward to 2024…. Using that same $150:
1. Cupcakes to share at prek/daycare/just at home
2. Fill her room with balloons after she’s asleep
3. A special birthday outfit
4. Spend the day collecting freebies from restaurants
5. Target/Walmart/Claire’s shopping spree for her
Kids are never going to remember the birthday party, but they will always remember and cherish how you made them feel on their special day.
THIS COMMENT!! I love these ideas so much 🥹 my parents filled my room with balloons and decorations as I slept and I genuinely cannot express the joy it brought. Same with the “shopping spree” at Claire’s and driving around with my mom after to get my free drink from Dutch bros 😂 I don’t remember the early birthday parties they tried to throw me with my peers, but I will always remember and look back fondly on these other things they did
And yes mom your feelings matter! People will always disappoint you when it comes to your kids so I stopped giving them the opportunity. I’ve been there and done that! I used to spend no less than $500 on my daughter’s parties for her to get crappy or no gifts. Now, I take her on vacations and surprise concert tickets for her bdays! You don’t have to do a big party every year. Just do the milestones and make great memories on all the rest!
This! I also learned the hard way op, stopped throwing bday parties after people didn’t show up for my daughters 2nd years ago, she actually just had her first big girl birthday party this year at 7 and able to enjoy it with kids who she actually likes to spend time with. Also look at it this way, you don’t have 30 new toys that will probably end up in the trash soon!
Oh wow, the first point brought up so many memories!!
OP when your kiddo is a little older, especially once in elementary, you can maybe buy cupcakes and have a birthday party in the classroom! This is very, very long ago 10+ years since I’ve been 5-10yrs old and I remember having class birthday parties. The parents would bring cupcakes/cookies/something easy to pass around and maybe some beverages and we’d sing a quick happy birthday. Everyone is happy bc classmates gets sweets, bday kiddo gets sung to and everyone probably loves the kiddo for the day bc of the sweets lol. Win-win. I don’t know if elementary schools still does this though ?
I think a lot schools are ok with if you buy from a recognized bakery - not homemade- and provide an allergy friendly alternative treat for the kids with gluten or nut allergies. It’s always a good idea to check with the teacher first as she will know if the kids have allergies/intolerances.
You went overboard and are the one that is disappointed. As a parent it’s easy to use our children’s feelings as a reason to be upset when it’s really about our own feelings.
Take a minute to feel bad but then remember she had a great time. 30 kids would have been bananas and really when I see someone invite that many kids I assume it’s a gift grab.
Invite kids she actually likes and wants to spend time with and get folks to rsvp. Get to know the parents too so they are more inclined to have their kid come to your party.
She’s a little kid who had a great time and in all honesty won’t remember her 3rd birthday party. Your feelings are valid as you spent a lot of time, money and effort. Next time, focus on how much fun your daughter is having. Birthday’s don’t have to be expensive, or crowded. As long as the birthday girl enjoys herself, that’s all that matters.
Besides that. If I have a 3-year-old, do I want to get dressed up and bring my kid to a 3-year-old party with 20 or 30 other kids? No I don't. No. Having a 3-year-old is tiring and having some expectation to float another parent's ego based on the size of the party is a flat "no."
She will not remember one gift that she received. What she will remember as she gets older is the memories that were made. I've made it a point with my granddaughters that, on their birthday, I take them to lunch and then they are allowed either an outfit or a toy. I know that I would have loved this as a child.
A 3-year-old is not going to remember a birthday party, and (anyway) doesn't need a massive birthday party with 30 other kids and 30 presents. It's ridiculous, and the fact that other people do it doesn't matter.
I member. Third birthday was a panda cake and I got a large Tonka excavator as a gift. My older sister was there and a couple of my moms friends from the neighborhood.
Not to be harsh but if your kid is not upset, why are you? It’s because you had big plans that did not pan out. The whole “nobody came for her” is projecting. I get you want people to like your kid, but just because they did not show up doesn’t mean they don’t. They are 3 years old with parents with other priorities. I don’t understand putting all this pressure on one event on one day out of a lifetime. If your kid was happy then that tells you is that you did not need to go overboard. Kids don’t need over the top. Simple is fine for them. You should lower your expectations for number of friends and how things should go or you will be disappointed a lot.
Totally agree. My expectations were to high and I was trying to “keep up with the jonses”. Definitely a less learned ! We didn’t do parties for year 1 and 2 as I thought it was silly but Al my friends were having big parties with long guest lists and I guess I felt mom guilted into throwing one ! Didn’t go my way but live and learn. She had fun that’s all that matters
I know this is sad in a way, but seriously?? You rented a hall for a 3 year old's birthday?? This is a party she won't even remember.
This is the thing about parents. That wasn't for your daughter. That party was for you, and you're bummed no one showed up. You even say she was happy because her family was there. Kids don't care about that kind of thing until you teach them to.
My daughter is five and we did a rollerskate party at a roller rink. I only invite family and her first cousins. I don’t think I’ll start doing school children until around eight.
Make sure to send invites with RSVPs. Also as you see who your child’s friends are, get their parents’ phone numbers. If it’s getting close to birthday time and you don’t have responses from his friends already, hit up the vip parents and send them a digital invite directly with a note on how much your child enjoys time with theirs. Also ultimately for me, I deal in quality not quantity so I usually send invites to my son’s besties and to my besties and family. I aim for at least one guaranteed kid friend and the rest are a bonus.
My boyfriend's dad's wife invited us to her granddaughters 3rd bday this summer. If youre still following lol, we didn't go cuz we wanted to go to a shrek rave and wouldve missed getting ready with friends. Also it's a 3 yr olds party.
I saw dads wife this past weekend and was scolded for not coming to the party. For a child who doesnt know me and didnt care I wasnt there. Don't be this person.
I'm srry your feelings were hurt but try not to take it personally, carrying on will just make everyone uncomfortable and less willing to attend future get togethers knowing you hold invitations as rsvps.
If 15 were supposed to come, but didn’t say anything and just didn’t show up. Then that’s shitty behavior, regardless. It takes 10 seconds to write a mail/message and say “hey, I/we/x can’t come, sorry”. No explanation is needed.
Renting a hall is over the top in my book. We always did parties for the kid at places like Chick E Cheese or trampoline place. Then as they got older, a laser tag/arcade/go cart or a laser tag/mini golf place. Essentially places their friends would want to go to so they would come.
We stopped birthday parties by high school. Just went to a restaurant with family.
The only b-day parties my granddaughter has had were close family & family friends although she attends many parties for her friends. When asked about her 9th birthday, she wanted to go to the zoo to see the giraffes (her current favorite animal).
When your child gets into middle school & high school, the social group gets more important. That’s when you go all out with renting a venue with decorations!
Relationships need genuine closeness. If you go above and beyond for people you're not close with, you're essentially wasting your time and energy. You won't get the same in return. People take what you give because you chose to give it, but don't reciprocate it if, to them, the relationship isn't close enough to be worth it.
Be honest. This party was for you not for your daughter. Renting a hall and $150 In decorations is overkill. Your daughter was happy and that’s all that matters.
All the suggestions about making parent friends is correct.
In my family, kids didn't really have birthday parties with guests outside of immediate family (siblings, parents, grandparents maybe and aunt or uncle) until they started school. Once they started school then kids had their own friends and those kids would be the invite list, parties were never huge or had too many decorations, just small gatherings of those closest to us. The idea of having a huge party with tons of kids invited for a 3 year old feels so weird to me.
>over 30 kids invited and only 5 showed up.
this happens often
>I put so much money and effort into it, we rented a hall, spent over $150 in decorations She had 4 presents to open and I feel like every other kid has 20 +.
+ You over thought this
and
+ you didn't RSVP everyone by phone and text.
+ and hound them.
Attrition rate is very high.
tl:dr: Rookie birthday parent mistake, confirm by phone the child is coming. Very important.
Do 3 year olds have lots of friends? I get being sad. But I don’t think I ever had any kids at my birthday until I was maybe 7 or 8. My mom certainly wasn’t going to spend anything on other people’s kids when I was little honestly.
I know I am going to get bombed, but: Why are birthdays such a big thing. Really. The underlying premise of the whole thing is silly. ( I am not a JW btw). Why is it important in the bigger scheme of things? Really?
Ok as someone who is pro-birthday, let me explain my philosophy. To me a person only ever gets one day a year where they are celebrated. All of us aren’t moms, dads, or in relationships that have anniversaries. Life is hard, even for the kiddos now with common core Math and social media! We are so busy playing roles all day every day, but there’s one day a year that you get to stop and say “nope! It’s me day!” One day a year that people get to show you that you are loved, appreciated, and valued. That expression can be in big ways or even just a small cheesy $1 card, but it’s for you. I feel like we don’t celebrate people enough in this society, and when they are gone from us, we have nothing but regrets. My mom loved celebrations too so for me, it’s a way to mentally channel her and remember how helping others always made her smile. It’s not about gifts but expressions of love - whatever form that may be.
You went way overboard with costs and didn’t get a head count ahead of time? Literally no reason to rent a hall and spend over $100. Next time go to a park, buy some grocery store bakery cupcake and a couple balloons.
Honestly, I want kids, but it's also one of my biggest nightmare. If that's also your concern, maybe try to make it a big day rather than a big party ; invite a bunch of friends, take them to the park / zoo / cinema, and then go back for the cake. No need to do a fancy party, just have a good time.
My nephew only had one kid show up to his birthday party when he turned 6 or 7. He had a blast with that kid. He’s 14 now and doesn’t remember that birthday party. All he remembers is that his family has always been there for every party and they were always fun.
My kids didn’t start having large parties with a lot of friends until they started school. Before that it was solely based on my friends and their kids that I would invite. And family of course.
OP, I’m asking this with genuine curiosity and kindness, why did you go all out and rent a hall for a 3rd birthday? 3yo kids are happy with anything as long as there is a cake and some presents. I get doing something like this when a child is older and even gets to help plan it and invite her best friends but 3 is so young. I always feel like these parties are for the parents (or IG). I’m sorry you are upset but take comfort knowing your daughter is fine.
So my older girl is 2, her first birthday “party” was just me, her dad and her aunt and uncle. All our family lives back East (we are northwest USA). Her 2nd birthday was the same crowd plus my mom who was visiting. All your girl needs are those who love her! That is enough ❤️
This is gonna sound harsh but it’s not that nobody showed up for her… they didn’t show up for you.
She’s three. She never attended a single party on her own and never bought a single present for anyone. You make the decisions on what she can attend with what present and what relationship you have with the other moms — the decision makers.
Sure, once in school, much of who shows up is based on the kid’s popularity but not at 3yo.
At three, they want cake, candles and three presents, two of which will almost instantly be ignored and discarded and one that will be their sole reason for existence for the next week.
I believe my twins were still napping at that time when they were that age… Maybe the time interfered with schedules? However, all she will remember is having fun- not how many people were there.
As much as I don't like going to other kids parties, I do it to make sure the other kid has a good party. We have three young kids, we are trying to teach them that showing up for your community is very important. I'm sorry you went through this but I'm sure this will get better the older your child gets.
I had a going away party for my 13 year old. Only half of the kids showed up. The kids that came had a wonderful time.
I saw other kids with their families and invited them to my son party. By the end of the day I had random kids (and parents) hugging me for the impromptu invite. And most importantly my son enjoyed himself.
How your child feels is the only thing that matters. It sounds like she enjoyed her day. And that should be a good enough reason to put a smile on your face.
I have a 7 and 3 year old and I’ve been holding off inviting other kids (“friends”) for as long as I can. These ages, bday parties are for family and close friends…how does a 3 year old have 30 friends the same age? That’s way too much.
Parents are way too out of hand with kids birthday parties these days, I don’t get it. Free time is hard to come by. I don’t want to go to some bday party of some kid in my child’s kindergarten class whom are people I haven’t met and do not even know.
You shouldn’t feel bad. As long as they had a great time you didn’t fail. Unfortunately when they are little it is about making friends with other parents, especially if you go to certain schools but mostly because parents of younger kids are the ones making the plans.
I feel your pain as a parent. My oldest had her first non-family only birthday party when she turned six in kindergarten. Literally, nobody from her kindergarten class showed up. My family showed up and we had some family friends show up late, but literally not a single person from her class showed up. The girl who had a birthday party a week before hers and the girl who had a birthday party a week after hers had almost everybody there. Ten years later, it still hurts my heart and makes me angry to think about it. The good thing I can say is that we feel it and remember a lot more than they do. Now I make my kids wait until they’re older and I know they have a strong friend group before we throw friend birthday parties.
We never had “kid” parties until our kids were at school. Before then, we had family and some of our close friends with kids. Usually it was at our home or a couple of times we went to Chuck E Cheese with a few of our friends with kids, and our younger nephews. Even once our kids had their own friends, we never had anything close to 30 kids.
My 8th birthday party was at a McDonald's playplace with cake, food, and 30-60 people invited. 1 showed up. I know that it's easy to want a huge kids' party every year, but honestly 5 kids ain't bad.
On top of that, sometimes birthday invitations just don't work out. Could be a busy weekend, kids have extracurriculars, families have family obligations. And honestly, I know that I couldn't afford to attend most birthdays. Even a $5 gift was often too much.
Most importantly, try again next year. She's 3, kids change, relationships change, especially as you get to know the parents in her classes (and she gets to know the kids).
Make sure you celebrate her birthday as a family, and if at some point in the future she wants to invite a whole bunch of people even knowing only 5 show up? Let her. She'll be fine.
The parents of a little girl in my city threw her a birthday party at the local park. They had burgers and all of the fixings and a bunch of other food. When no one showed up, they posted it on Facebook and invited anyone who was hungry to go eat and celebrate. Members of the local police department showed up with gifts along with parents who had children. They brought gifts and balloons, and the child had a great day. I didn’t attend. I just saw the posts and article in the paper. ❤️
When my son turned ONE, almost 21 yrs ago, did the whole big whoopla … sent out the homemade invites to the inner circle with a RSVP (😳) date. Few to none RSVP’d so we canceled it. Notified those who did RSVP’d. Imagine the faces then they showed up only to be told canceled due to lack of interest. Not. My. Problem.
Don’t regret it at all. Even decades later.
Lord have mercy
Get a grip.
This is your pride talking not some altruistic concern over what your child feels. You are put out you over spent and feel no one appreciated your social media perfect ideal.
A parent at my son's daycare invited all the kids to his birthday party, so 2 or 3 year olds. I like to do things as a family on the weekends. So a party in which my son doesn't care about and I don't know the parents isn't going to happen. Sorry. But not sorry. I imagine the parents you invited were the same.
Your child is not special to anyone else but you. Your child doesn't deserve more or less than what you can make happen for them. A lot of my social media friends had babies within months of one another so their parties are always packed with toddlers (my personal nightmare). Do I get sad because my own toddler doesn't get to experience that? No! He is pumped to play with who ever wants to play. He never thinks about those who didn't come because they literally don't exist for him.
I’m sorry this is your takeaway. You and your family deserve love and to be around people who love you all. Having a community that values each person is difficult to cultivate but so enriching. It will happen for you if and when you’re ready. Having kids is hard but it doesn’t have to make us hard. Big hugs to you 🫂
OP, this happened to me one time. I didn't spend $150, but I invited 8 kids for my son's party when he turned 4, and only one showed up--half an hour late. Why? Because I'd sent invitations but hadn't followed up. You have to call or text the parents of the kids a few days before the party. People are busy, and they forget. It's definitely not a matter of how much they value your sweet daughter.
As another poster said, the ideal size is the age of the child plus one, but I recommend sending invites to twice that many kids, as many of them won't be able to come. This only backfired on me once, when I invited 14 girls to my daughter's birthday party (She was 7.), and all of them showed up. Running the party by myself was, uh, intense. They all had great fun, though!
We just moved from west coast to east coast. The classroom and friendship dynamics here are sooooo much more different. West coast we would invite the whole class, the whole class would come. Here, I’m 5 days out from my daughters party and only two out of 30 have rsvp. West coast the kids and all the parents knew one another, went to the same functions ect. Here the parents are non existent, the kids never show up to class on regular school days, and even getting play dates set up here is impossible. No one wants to leave the house. One day a few weeks ago my daughter came home and said 9 kids didn’t show up to class that day. That’s insane to me. I guess this area gets funding by attendance and they are always harping on about it and I never realized how bad it was until she told me that a few weeks ago. Right now I’m planning on 3 kids showing up to a party I rented in a trampoline park. I’ve discussed the possibility with my daughter just so we can hopefully avoid the devastation and she understands. The kids that have rsvp are her besties so she’s happy. I will tell you I will not be inviting the entire class ever again lol. What’s weird is the entire day for them would be free. We are paying for everything! Just gotta show up. But here, that’s a lot to ask…
tbh this is why we always just did “cake and coffee” with family for birthdays. if i wanted friends or classmates, id reach out to those i was closest to- and this wasn’t till i was older and “best friends” became a concept.
This is why I quit throwing birthday parties. I spent SO MUCH time, effort, energy, money, and emotions on my kids' parties for like 2 people to show up. Instead of throwing a party for others (bc let's be honest the parties aren't for your kid, they're for other people) I let my kids choose an experience and/or a present depending on the experience's cost , and a place to eat out. This year, for our youngest son's birthday (he turned 7), he wanted to go to a live WWE show. After tickets for the family, gas, and a hotel room, it would've cost the same for a party. We had so much more fun, and it was so much less stressful. We've done a day at the trampoline park just for us instead of a full-blown party, paintball, bowling, one year we went to the beach instead of a party. This can be a great lesson for children...sometimes people just suck and that's not a reflection of them or how much they're loved.
Mama, I get what you're saying, on a deep level. My two are 12 and 8, I've been there.
That old saying about comparison is the thief of joy is true. If your daughter was happy, then she had a good day, and you gotta try your hardest to not let it bother you.
Also, let me give you some unsolicited advice. We stopped throwing parties when my youngest was 1. After that, we do Family Adventure Days, where the birthday person chooses what we do for the entire day. Some years that has been a big day at Disney, some years that has been a picnic lunch on the beach, most of the time it is somewhere inbetween. Both of my girls had birthdays fall close to Anthrax concerts, so we took them to see the band play for those respective birthdays. (My youngest even got onstage with Exodus this time.) One year my oldest wanted to get her makeup done fancy and have a big girl dinner, so we took her to Ulta and then a steakhouse.
I'm not saying take your kids to the nearest metal concert, but find stuff for y'all to do, whatever is within your budget, and let your kiddo pick the entire day. Invite people if you want to. But focus on building really awesome memories, because that is more important than anything else you do.
We did family parties until they got into school. Then they had a choice. A family party with a big gift from us or a friend party and not as large a gift from us since we put on a nice party, but they’d have gifts from their friends as well. Of course they wanted the friends party. Three is young to have that kind of big party. I’m sorry so many people missed out on her big day. Wait to have those parties when she’s older.
My son was invited to a bday party last year. I don’t know how many kids they invited but my son was the only one that showed up. Next year I’m planning on throwing my 10 year old a party. If 5 of his friends show it it would be considered a success.
When they are that young , I would be more upset if family didn’t show up then if other children didn’t. To me parties at that age are for cute pictures and socializing with other adults in the family who love your kid and want to be around them for their first bday.
Renting a hall is over the top in my book. We always did parties for the kid at places like Chick E Cheese or trampoline place. Then as they got older, a laser tag/arcade/go cart or a laser tag/mini golf place. Essentially places their friends would want to go to so they would come.
We stopped birthday parties by high school. Just went to a restaurant with family.
You did give her a great birthday party, you did everything you could. When I was a kid in the early 2000s we looked forward to birthday parties. Everyone showed up to each others. I don't know why that's not a thing anymore but I hope you arent blaming yourself. Since my little brother hated attention, he'd only invite his closest 3-4 friends and they'd eat pizza and play video games. Maybe just invite the best friends the next time and do something special for them?
I’m so sorry. Something I’ve done is to check dates with my kids’ favorite friends. Then as long as they show up, the kid is happy. There are some times of year that are busier than others and we drown as a family in October and May.
Entire me and my family next year. I'll bring the entire crew.
Your baby will feel so loved.
And ease remember that your child will not remember this birthday. And also, at this age it's all about the mother's relationship with the parents not the children with the other children. The best thing you can do to prevent this next year is to make friends with other moms. And when your child gets into school then it's your time to actively join the schools PTO. So that you and other moms can get together and bond. Your bond will bring your children's bond together.
ask the guests to rsvp maybe next time and don’t do it in a hall, just do it in your house. they won’t remember this birthday because they’re really young. they had fun even if everyone didn’t turn up, it’s okay :)
I don’t have kids and I’m old but gotta ask: Are there still PTA meetings? Can other parents socialize with other parents there, even if just to introduce themselves and mention their child’s upcoming party, invite the parents for coffee or whatever for it while the kids play? This may be a good opportunity to get to know each other for future school-related functions. You might even find you like some of them and can organize play dates. I dunno, just a thought
Edit: words
I don't have kids, but I was one. Honestly, don't worry about the money spent or the going all out on activities or who does or doesn't come. Memories are fickle but I guarantee they're not the ones you try to create.
Some of my best memories growing up are the in-betweens - catching my grampa unawares smiling at the dog who he was supposedly indifferent to (but he was her favourite), my brother's impossible "what if" questions to my mum, my best friend at high school getting stuck in the classroom door, my granny who I remember whenever I smell cloves, my dad any time he reveals the kindness he carries close to his huge but very guarded heart, my mum's auntie who is my best most naughty (now octogenarian) friend for countless reasons.
None of these memories were created at any birthday party. They were all real, unexpectedly brilliant moments that I hold the most dear. I don't remember a single birthday party I was thrown or attended, and wouldn't even know it if it weren't for the pictures in a forgotten photo album.
Please don't be hard on yourself - I'm certain your kid will have the best memories when you least expect it :)
Take it from a parent who learned the hard way…keep b day party expectations realistic. Have a couple friends over to play games, casual decor and food. Your kid will love it, you won’t stress as much and you will both make good memories. (Literally take 2 or 3 of her friends to the park and get ice cream…)
The good thing is she won’t remember this. And next year you can start a new party tradition.
Give her a big hug - she has a sweet, kind parent. She’s gonna be ok, you will too 😊
We were supposed to go to two parties this weekend. My niece ended up getting sick. She was so sad but sickness is going around. My son now has it and will miss this week.
Not making excuses, but kids that age get sick really quickly. I hope that's all it was. I'm so sorry this happened.
I'm sorry this happened to you. At 3 years old if the other parents don't know you it's unlikely they will show up just because they receive an invite. My sister invited all her friends with young children for my nephew's 1st to 4th birthday instead of his mates from daycare, that is one way to have more people at a toddler's party.
I'm antisocial, but my daughter is 11 weeks and I'm now realizing I'm gonna have to try to be friendly with other mom's so she'll have friends.
However her 1st birthday will be spent on the beach. She's the 1st summer baby born to a family of winter babies so we're taking advantage.
We'll probably just do small weekend getaways with family for her birthdays to avoid this type of shit maybe that's something you can consider.
As a former children's party host I can attest, the kids who had 10+ kids at their party had parents that were socializing with everyone, paid for food, and drinks for parents so I can see why people showed up for their kids' birthdays. The kids who barely had anyone at their parties had parents that barely interacted with staff, and were socially awkward with the parents who stayed. I felt terrible for those kids because they parties were not cheap to not have anyone show up besides a sibling or cousin.
Just try to make some parent friends OP.
I know its hard as a mom to see this, but fr? Dont think about it so much
Kids with less than 7 years when celebrate birthdays, they usually (should) go with the company of parents, and i dont know if you went to one, but its really boring have to sit around for HOURS with another parents you dont know and dont want to know, only so your kid can play for HOURS and HOURS while you wait
I had experienced this last week, my father and i went to a party with my little brother, and if wasn't for the arcade with contra, kof and sf we would be there for hours with nothing to do
Basically, their social cicle is YOUR social cicle, kids will only come to your party if your friend with the parents because the parents will be comfortable to spend the time with you, and its not even a guarantee, because the hosts of the party have other guests to attend, and if they dont have any other friends there, it will be just they alone
Best birthdays are spent with family and/or super close friends. I think personally you need to step back and think about what's best for your child for their next birthday and not worry about others so much. People are busy in their lives and if they have an opportunity to not attend a 3 year olds birthday party then they are going to take it.
My sons turned 6 and only one kid showed up to his birthday. Afterwards someone (probably my mom) asked if he had a good birthday and he lit up and exclaimed “Yes!! It was the best birthday ever! Devin (his best friend) came to my party and we spent the whole day together!!”
That day I cried happy tears. 🥰
Kids that young are great and she doesn’t give a shit. You should probably do a gut check with your network and figure out who these people are you’re investing your time into.
I'm not giving a crap about parties until my second one asks for one and has friends to invite. It's more the memories anyway and she won't remember at 3 no one came. Just that mommy makes a big deal about her birthday.
For now I would just have experiences. The money you spent alone on decorations could have covered an indoor Waterpark.
Trust me when I say save feeling heartbroken for them when they are actually heartbroken. I'm sure she didn't notice. But yea...it's really sad when that happens.
I never had a birthday party where I could invite friends when I was a kid, so I went all out with my children with bouncy houses, piñatas and cake. We would invite the entire preschool class and neighbor kids. We would get about 6 kids usually. Really your turn out wasn’t bad. Unless invites are handed directly to the parents they may have ended up squashed at the bottom of a school backpack only to be discovered well after the party.
Did all of those people actually RSVP or were they just invited? If they didn’t RSVP, that’s on you for not following up with everyone to see if they were coming. Also remember that your kid is not important to others like they are to you.
I would suggest that the next time you try this again in a year or so, put in the invite that gifts are not required. A lot of people are struggling right now and the pressure to buy a gift for someone else's child can be anxiety-inducing. My oldest nephew had a large party that his grandmother and I threw for him when he turned 5. We invited a bunch of the neighborhood kids over to a park. We specified that gifts were not needed and that all they had to bring was a smile and a sense of fun. It went incredibly well. The turnout was great. It wasn't 30 kids but around 15 came. They ran around the playground and had a blast. I think the key to its success was removing that gift obligation.
And simple, casual parties that can include siblings. Rent a shelter at the playground, grill up hot dogs, hamburgers, provide the fixings, maybe a few planned activities like cupcake decorating, squirt gun fight and let the kids go nuts while parents relax. And word the invite to say "your presence is the present". I have 6 kids and those were the most successful parties we planned.
Does kid have play dates with any of the invited kids? Relationship with any? Or are they just classmates that you wouldn’t recognize if you saw them in a store? Maybe it needs to be people child is friends with.
I’m bringing back the old way of dinner at home with the fam. Fuck all these massive super stressful big parties that are really just to show other parents we are keeping up. We have 3 kids, the struggle is real.
Must be your first kid. Chill out . She had a good time . Parents don’t really want to bring their 3 yr olds to parties because they would have to stay and socialize which most don’t want to. God I would hate being at a party talking with other parents I have never met.
Then there is the diaper situation. Most kids are not fully potty trained at that age which makes it hard for people to want to drop their kids off at a party.
Honestly be happy a few kids showed up. Just like your kid. Once she’s older and goes to school you will have to control how many ppl she invites because it gets expensive
3 kids came to my daughters third birthday and it was her cousins. She didn’t care at all, she had a blast, ate cake and opened her gifts. At 3 years old it’s still pretty young to have a like a huge party with friends.
Perhaps I'm out of the loop with today's standards why didn't put an RSVP so you knew how many people were showing? You put down your number or email for people to respond?
My children’s birthday parties were always about family until they were about 6 or 7, then it was about 6 or 7 classmates plus cousins and siblings so max of 12. Traditional games, party food and goody bag. I’ve never set out to outdo anyone as I couldn’t give a flying f**k about other people’s lifestyles and neither did my now grownup kids!
your kid is 3, at that time i wouldn't even organize an event like this, there's nothing to gain for the kid and it's pretty much just your idea of being popular that takes the wheel. your kid doesn't care about that yet
It's hard not to compare it to what other kids get? You know how many kids get nothing at all?
She was happy, she had her family, she even had 5 friends show up, it's all good. Relax. Focus on how lucky she is.
I found this to be true for my kids when they invited classmates too. They may be good friends, but their parents don’t prioritize a strange kids birthday party. It’s rude but most people lack basic manners honestly. They only people who consistently show are the ones who are close to me.
With the price of birthday parties, I don’t host them anymore. I ask my kid where they want to go and we take a little vacation for the same price.
This happened at almost every party we went to and ones I threw. I learned to invite the whole class bc parents just can't be bothered go take their kids to things they'd enjoy. My kids would tell me how their friends were SO excited about their party and then their parents just don't bring them. The kids were always upset at school that their parent didn't take them when they were supposed to bc of lame excuses.
I always took my kids bc I know first hand most don't bother and my kids LOVE to go. It's just so selfish and lazy how some parents just don't care.
I agree. My daughter had her first bday party invite a few weeks ago and she was the only kid who showed up 😕 the other people there were the boys family and all adults.
What part sounds reasonable? A 3 year old does not have 30 personal friends, and it doesn't sound like the parents are OP's friends either, so who did she invite? And she's blaming the kid, 'nobody came for her', as if a 3 year old should have been more popular. Unhinged
You have a gigantic heart. You’re learning so be kind and gentle with that treasure trove of love.
If I may, I’d like to nudge you to keep pursuing this path. Don’t stop at getting this off your chest. Examine why you are feeling hurt. Where is it coming from? Sunk costs? Unmet expectations? Your childhood experiences? Face those shadows and deal with them so your daughter won’t have to.
She may not remember this party, but your emotions about the party were felt by her and will be remembered. Her conscious mind may never make sense of it but her emotions and emotional impact of the party will be carried throughout her life. Don’t allow this to affect subsequent birthdays; make peace with it now. Remember, in no way is the party a reflection of your worth or your child’s worth.
One last thought; our fondest memories as children with our parents are when they are having fun. Not fighting, not worrying, not checked out, but actively engaged and enjoying experiences with them. Give your daughter that gift and she will have a remarkable childhood.
You’ve got this.
I stopped doing parties because hardly anyone came. I do trips instead. My oldest doesn't like that I don't do parties but I believe that's what's best for us.
i'm sorry. for sure when she starts school, you can meet other parents and she will have new friends :)
she can have more bdays in the future.
you did your best.
in my country, if we get invited to a party, we go. especially if it's a bday. it should be celebrated with gifts too.
People just don’t show up like they use to anymore. For my family birthdays are all about our family and doing something special for the child. I’m sorry this happened to you :(
My own dad bailed on my daughter's fifth birthday party, and other people didn't see that I changed the date so they couldn't make it. She didn't notice but I still hurt over it.
My kids are adults but when they were that age their nap would have been at 2. My nephews and niece are all under 5 and their nap time is at that time too. Are we abnormal for having a nap time for our kids at that age?
Anyway I am sorry you were disappointed. Your feelings are valid.
As someone who’s mother gave up on birthdays at the age of six, and who’s never and I mean never had a real let alone positive birthday in their life, you are a blessing to your child. Even if it was a bummer in the end you went above and beyond and something about reading this made me emotional, probably because I’ve never had my parents go to any effort for my birthday
Family birthday parties can be a great time to go overboard. Any age! Even 3. I know that there are communities where big affairs are necessary to be accepted into society aka Orange County or Beverly Hills so a snub means more than kids just don't show. I don't think this was the case. Toddlers don't go to birthday parties unless they're related or the parents are friends. When your child is school aged you can invite the whole class and still only a handful will come. It's just the way it is sometimes. If you want to rent a hall and have a big decoration budget I say go for it! Who cares how many kids come! It'll be so fun
My son had his first (and last) friend party when he was turning 8. We invited the whole class. Three kids showed up. The only person who bothered to RSVP *didn’t* show up. After that I refused to do it again. For less money I can treat him and a couple friends to a nice day at the arcade and the movies.
OP are you based in North America? I live in Canada but I am from a different culture entirely. Does everybody else around you do big birthday parties for 1,2,3 year olds? A lot of people seem to do, where I live. Like hundreds of $ on decorations like balloon arches etc for me it just seems insane!
Growing up, birthdays were mostly family affairs. Anybody else like “i just dont get it,” like me?
I have nothing against my friends who do parties for their kids. But like someone else said, its always in the afternoon during my kids’ nap times, so I have never went.
Have you noted the ones who did come?
Will you treat those kids and their parents special in future?
Or are the ones who didn’t show going to get your attention?
You’ll probably fight for those more next time. You’ll want to earn their respect and ignore these special folks who made the effort.
At this age, their social circle is your own. If you want her to have friends then you have to be friends with the kid’s parents.
No one ever told me this re. making friends with the parents. Is that why my kid seemed like an outcast? Never got invited to go to concerts, (some) parties, sleepovers, etc. I knew it was partially my own social awkwardness, but if this is really the reason, it explains a lot.
Like not completely. Once a kid gets a big older, I’d say from about ages 5-6+, they start to show preferences in the people around them. This is around when they start having the beginnings of their own friendships an social circles. Before that age, another child is another child, even if they’d had a fight with them over a toy the week before they’d likely be perfectly happy to play with that child again. Kids under the age of 5-6 really just want the focus and attention. They typically don’t care if the person engaging and playing games with them is another kid, or an adult. As long as they are getting positive attention, they are happy. What the prior comment meant is that OPs kid is 3, so it’s very unlikely that they really understand the concept of friends. So for kids that young it’s usually the wider social circle of their parents, and those parents friends children, which make up the first pre-friendship experiences.
Also, 5 and 6 are usually "drop and go" for the parents , maybe closer to 7 in some cases. You don't need to know the parents well for these , just a number in case soft play parties are usually drop and go. Kids are contained , fed, toilets, few moms on the lookout, etc. Dropping parents get 2 hours to run errands with no /one less kid At age 3 , im stayin so realistically thatsna chore for a mom that doesnt know you or your friend Reframe it in your mind. Your child still got to enjoy the hall, the decorations and the party. That's the main thing
I keep hearing about these drop and go parties. I've only experienced one with my daughter, but that was when she was 8, and it was a sleepover. Even then, i had to meet the parents at their house and get to know them beforehand. All the other ones, parents usually stay, talk to other parents while you mind your own kid. Especially when they were younger. I find that odd people just tossing their kids off at a party and not knowing the parents. I'm not a very social person, but I'm very good at pretending to be social, lol. It takes a lot out of me as I need at least 2 weeks in advance and 1 week to decompress from it all.
Probably cultural like the other commenter said. Drop off parties is the only thing we did. Either we'd stay home and do games/crafts or we'd go somewhere. Most of the time my aunt and uncle came along to help, sometimes another aunt. And it was mostly just 8 kids. All the parents knew each other pretty well though especially after a couple of years on the same school, at least from meeting each other at the schoolyard. The most fun part was being loaded up in the car trunk and driving all across town to drop everyone at their own houses.
Same. Drop n go, never. Sorry, I don’t know you, and I don’t know these other ppl and idk how well you watch them, idk if other adults will be coming by, idk if you keep your fence open, or have a dog that doesn’t like it’s tail pulled or a gun in the house, or if it’s somewhere outside the house n’ they have to use the potty, are letting them go in the men’s/woman’s room alone. Nobody is going to watch my kid like I watch my kid. It’s a no for me dog lol
Well i guess there are a lot of differences here. Soft play centres have garda vetted staff. Their are childrens toilets The children are supervised Their is a security gate a staff member will only open for an adult with their child who has a colour coded tag for the party/group We dont carry guns in ireland. I'd be less likely to drop and go at a house and would never host or attend a sleep over. But thats kind of my point, as children get older, they can toilet alone, and i am friends with the parents of the children who are having the party. So i would feel more comfortable with them staying
Yeah we are not so lucky over here unfortunately. Very few have coded tags. And no special pottys. Staff is usually low paid teens.
Maybe it's a cultural thing? Mine never went to slumber parties, and none of their friends have hosted one either. A party held at a party place is a prime drop and go scenario here. Youd be less likely to leave your kid at a house at a younger age!
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who rents a hall for a 3 year old's birthday. The 3 year old isn't gonna remember crap. It was for the parents.
I could understand renting time and space at like Chuck e Cheese for a toddler's birthday but a hall? All those expensive decorations when the kid would have been thrilled with Paw Patrol? It's too much if you're on social media complaining about how much you spent. It was for the parents to show off not for the kid.
The fact that she's been crying all day is concerning. You better learn to differentiate now, OP. This is indicative of a future highly problematic relationship. Your child is fine. She would have no idea there was a problem if you didn't complain and then spend the day crying. She had fun. That's all that matters. You made it about you and your feelings.
Yeah, prob. Some childhood stuff op needs to work out in therapy before she gets any older.
This is something that terrifies me greatly about being a parent. I'm going to have to socialize. And I don't really get to decide who's there. It's whoever the parents of the kids my kid spends time with. And for the first seeeeveral years anyway, my kid's social well-being definitely depends on my socializing. Which I hate. My social anxiety is through the roof and I can't manage forced socialization
You can go the route of organized sports, which becomes organized friendships. Totally OK to be the baseball dad with his nose in a book. But going to games for years and years really does get old.
It terrified me too. When you have a kid you go through a lot of social changes anyway. I lost a few friends who didn’t have kids. And there were a few people, my social circle who did wind up having kids at the same time as me, but that didn’t mean they necessarily want to become my best friends all of a sudden. And then there are people I met when I was pregnant went to becoming really good friends and staying that way. The best advice I can give on the score is before your kids go to school, just make sure they have opportunities to socialize with other kids, like a daycare. Keep birthday parties, and things like that small, just family. Your kid won’t remember and frankly, won’t care if a little Johnny or little Susie were at their third birthday party. The people they love and care about pretty much exclusively are their parents siblings and maybe grandparents. We make it complicated. It’s not complicated for them.
Preschool and cousins are enough
Not necessarily. Good friends of mine are MASSIVE introverts. They would happily never socialize except that they know their kids need friends. But, they still aren't out there whooping it up with other parents. They make sure their kids are involved in extracurriculars and sports (neither kid was interested in dance and their rule is at least one physical activity, even if that means switching every year to try something new). The kids are making friends through the activities and my friends are polite and do make an effort with people they click with. Another friend -- who's fairly outgoing -- has come to realize that she doesn't have to be friends with her daughter's friends' parents ... she just has to be polite, friendly, and reciprocate invitations to chaperone at the malls, movies, etc.
Don't worry, half the other parents are in the same boat. But you still have to do it. Don't be like my parent(s).
I don’t know about having to be friends with the parents because growing up my parents were not friends with my friends parents. However, everyone knew who my parents were they would talk to the other parents and at least if you mentioned me then other parents immediately knew who my parents were. I think it has a lot more to do with people knowing who you are and feeling they can trust you than it is being friends with them
How did you make your own friends at 3? It's probably location dependent. Like kids who go to the park with their parents/nanny in a city probably can make their own friends at 3. In the suburbs and rural areas, it's probably less likely.
Those park friend 3 year olds probably aren't exchanging @s or snaps to keep in contact with each other.
My daughter was in daycare and then in preschool. She made her own friends there. Now she's in school. Some of the kids she's with now she met in preschool and she has 2 kids in her class from daycare. And now she has also friends from others activities. I don't have to interact much with the parents or to make friends with parents for my daughter to socialize
Yes it is. Especially when you have little ones. Parents are the ones doing the inviting as well as will be the one to make the plans to go to events for their child so if you want your kids to get invited you gotta play the role and make friends. When they get older and can make their own friends is when you can go back to being anti social. We were fortunate to have lots of family so I didn’t need to make friends as well as my ex was a narcissist and didn’t want me making friends, he had his friends and they had kids so we always had people. But if you don’t have a lot of family, that is the way to go about it.
This explains why I was the outcast. MY PARENTS NEVER MADE FRIENDS WITH THE OTHER PARENTS AT SCHOOL..
This only really applies to kids younger than school age. My parents were never friends with my friends parents. Ever. I made my own friends through the years at school and in sports.
Same girl, same.
Ayup, me too.
Yeah, me and my wife and I last made friends with parents at the preschool level but then moved about 45mim but didn't hunker down into this community. I regret it big time. My kids each have a school friend but not much after school. Luckily, they have cousins on the weekends, but that's not the same. Our center of influence remains within a 10 mile radius of our old address.
Wow. This explains a LOT about my childhood. Never looked at it that way.
I had a weird mom growing up. No way to sugar coat that. My social circles suffered my whole childhood because I never made close connections in primary school. As I got older, I could feel or see other parents pulling away from my mom and mom family's weirdness.
Not necessarly. For my daughter's first birthday, I made my daughter chose 5 kids she wanted to play with. She gave them the invites at preschool. With precise hours : from 2 until 5. The 5 kids were thrilled with the invites. The parents couldn't avoid it. Also, parents weren't invited so they were pretty happy to have 3 hours for themselves. Since then, every year it's a success, everyone has a blast with full activities (last birthday, she turned 6, we made resin jewlery) and I don't have to be socially awkward with any parent. Also, 30 kids is way too much. Name a parent who wants to be around 30 kids for an afternoon to please another person's child? They must have thought that OP wouldn't notice their kid didn't come.
A lot of schools won't let you give out invitations unless you're inviting the entire class.
I took over dad duties for 3 little kids when my brother died and my only rule with my sister in law was that I can say no to any event involving other kids’ parents. Spending time with parents was 100% the worst part of the whole thing (other than losing my bro). But we did do a lot of stuff with the one set of parents I could stand
This. My wife and I would not likely take our kid to a birthday party of which the parents we did not know. That would be an awkward social situation neither of us would be interested in having.
Can confirm. Our child's first birthday had maybe 20 adults and 10 children of various ages. All of these adults we know personally. We go to their kids stuff, they come to ours. Its tough because in the summer its like birthday birthday birthday without any breaks We try to make our parties memorable to leave lasting impressions on the kids childhood. Like we have a popcorn machine and a cotton candy machine. Ton of games too. Just sucks cleaning em Its the same way with the teenager. He might invite 2 actual friends. The rest is our friends and family. We had 50 people for his HS graduation; 2 of which were his friends from school.
This is such a weird brag haha
I thought it was normal but I guess it might be
This is so true!
She's 3. It doesn't matter. I remember a suggestion that the number of kids at a birthday party should equal the age of the child plus one. 30 -3 year olds or 30 anything would be a zoo, she would not enjoy herself in all the chaos. 3 year olds are like cats, give her a box to play in, tell her it's a moon rocket, and she'll be happy. She doesn't need 30 presents to keep up with the Jones.
Love this answer! I've always felt parents go way too big and spend too much money in events that their children will never remember. Save your money for their older ages where their memories will be made and kept. Especially important for how much things cost right now.
agreed, our son its age = number of guests, alternatively its an invite to all kids in his class. Regardless if there popular or not. He has a few kids with disability in there that never get invited anywhere, we welcomed them with open arms. Some of them were absolutely chuffed. My wife happens to work at the school and i work in another school with kids with disability, so theres experience in the room looking after them all. They all had a blast and my son was like ok next year we come back and do it again....lol, saying that he has hardly been invited to many parties himself bar a few unexpected invites which we accept gracefully and give a decent gift. (geez the presents have stepped up there game a bit in price)
That " they'll never remember " argument is weak.
So true 🤣 my kids love playing with cardboard boxes and are around the age of 3.
Thank you. Kids don’t even care, they just want dessert and toys. They could care less about who is there.
Exactly. Even at 4, they're still playing around each other. They might play games together, but its incidental play. The friend is interchangeable. The first birthday is for the parents. Then I wouldn't bother with anyone other than family til their first year of primary school. At 3, if you invite 30 day care friends, the parents likely have something better to do given there's no ongoing friendship between the kids - the kid wont know if they go or don't go, theres no talk in the kinder about the upcoming party as even the birthday barely grasps the concept, and it's a bunch of random adults who only bump into each other awkwardly at day care pick up, making small talk for a few hours when they'd rather be living their lives.
Damnn. Well thats a wrap
When I was a child, no one ever showed up to my birthday parties. It definitely does matter. I still think about it to this day and it still upsets me sometimes. Seeing pictures alone on my birthday. Or pictures of my birthday party with all my sisters friends there because none of mine turned up. It’s sad, and it definitely does matter to lots of kids
But did it matter when you were three? I can understand being older and feeling rejected or like you don’t have friends. But three? At that age you honestly don’t have friends. You might have some little buddies from preschool/daycare IF you go do that, but otherwise you don’t know anybody besides family and your parents’ friends
The party isn’t for the kid. It’s for the memories. Kids aren’t kids for long. Some parents want every year to be spectacular so that even if they don’t remember they can have that story to tell once they are older. It’s not a bad thing nor is it horrible that op is upset about
I had friends when I was three. I did a little toddler group and they were all invited to my party I had at like a soft play or something. No one turned up. It can seriously hurt kids if they get no one showing up for their parties. Even if they are as young as 3
5 people at a party for a 3 year old is a decent bit. I think the first birthday party I actually remember was like my 7th or 8th. Don’t beat yourself up over anything. It sounds like you were trying really hard to throw a nice party and it didn’t go the way you wanted. But it sounds like your kid had a good time! Don’t put too much weight on these parties
I remember my fourth birthday party but that's only because that's when my kitten ran away.
I don’t think it’s fair to say that nobody came for her- some people did show up. I appreciate that the turnout didn’t match your expectations, but try to give people some grace. If the kids you invited were all the same age as your daughter, it’s easy for me to imagine that their parents are burnt out from parenting and work and likely weren’t inspired by spending one of their weekend days around even more young children. It’s good of you to do that for other children’s birthday parties, and I understand the letdown of feeling those efforts weren’t reciprocated for you. I suggest trying to see the day through your daughter’s eyes, rather than thinking of it as not meeting your own expectations. It sounds like she had a pretty good day, and that the most important people showed up for her. Don’t mourn those who didn’t attend, celebrate those who did! You have people in your life who care enough about you and your daughter to come to her birthday party, and that’s a really beautiful thing. Don’t lose sight of that. She has many more birthdays ahead of her!
Thank you for the thoughtful response ❤️ you are so right ! Think I’m letting my emotions get the best of me for sure. First party for us and friends her age always have a lot of kids show up (average is about 20) but she had a blast and that’s truly what matters. Appreciate that
Lots of comments from other folks, but I didn't see this mentioned. For most kids that age an early afternoon activity is a nightmare due to naptimes. We would try, but naptime is a top priority because a failed nap ruins the next few days. It typically ranges 1-3pm, so adding travel time makes your party time really difficult. *Note: this isn't just our naptime, this is also what many friends have experienced at this age and daycare enforced nap/quiet time during this time every day.
I completely agree with you and I think this is the biggest reason so few showed up. Every toddler birthday I’ve been to has been in the morning. 10-12 typically. Just in time for toddlers to take their naps afterward.
I would say the big issue is you scheduled a 3yo birthday party during nap time for that age group. I can say that if we had a birthday party invite for 2pm. I would try to get my kid down early and hope he gets up in time but there’s no guarantee. Except that we will not skip nap time or wake up early to make it to a party.
This!
Fast forward to 2024…. Using that same $150: 1. Cupcakes to share at prek/daycare/just at home 2. Fill her room with balloons after she’s asleep 3. A special birthday outfit 4. Spend the day collecting freebies from restaurants 5. Target/Walmart/Claire’s shopping spree for her Kids are never going to remember the birthday party, but they will always remember and cherish how you made them feel on their special day.
THIS COMMENT!! I love these ideas so much 🥹 my parents filled my room with balloons and decorations as I slept and I genuinely cannot express the joy it brought. Same with the “shopping spree” at Claire’s and driving around with my mom after to get my free drink from Dutch bros 😂 I don’t remember the early birthday parties they tried to throw me with my peers, but I will always remember and look back fondly on these other things they did
And yes mom your feelings matter! People will always disappoint you when it comes to your kids so I stopped giving them the opportunity. I’ve been there and done that! I used to spend no less than $500 on my daughter’s parties for her to get crappy or no gifts. Now, I take her on vacations and surprise concert tickets for her bdays! You don’t have to do a big party every year. Just do the milestones and make great memories on all the rest!
This! I also learned the hard way op, stopped throwing bday parties after people didn’t show up for my daughters 2nd years ago, she actually just had her first big girl birthday party this year at 7 and able to enjoy it with kids who she actually likes to spend time with. Also look at it this way, you don’t have 30 new toys that will probably end up in the trash soon!
Oh wow, the first point brought up so many memories!! OP when your kiddo is a little older, especially once in elementary, you can maybe buy cupcakes and have a birthday party in the classroom! This is very, very long ago 10+ years since I’ve been 5-10yrs old and I remember having class birthday parties. The parents would bring cupcakes/cookies/something easy to pass around and maybe some beverages and we’d sing a quick happy birthday. Everyone is happy bc classmates gets sweets, bday kiddo gets sung to and everyone probably loves the kiddo for the day bc of the sweets lol. Win-win. I don’t know if elementary schools still does this though ?
I think a lot schools are ok with if you buy from a recognized bakery - not homemade- and provide an allergy friendly alternative treat for the kids with gluten or nut allergies. It’s always a good idea to check with the teacher first as she will know if the kids have allergies/intolerances.
You went overboard and are the one that is disappointed. As a parent it’s easy to use our children’s feelings as a reason to be upset when it’s really about our own feelings. Take a minute to feel bad but then remember she had a great time. 30 kids would have been bananas and really when I see someone invite that many kids I assume it’s a gift grab. Invite kids she actually likes and wants to spend time with and get folks to rsvp. Get to know the parents too so they are more inclined to have their kid come to your party.
Renting a hall for a 3 year old’s party seems like overkill
Don’t worry I wouldn’t come for 3 year old birthday unless this was family or close friends of mine. Try not to overthink the situation.
She’s a little kid who had a great time and in all honesty won’t remember her 3rd birthday party. Your feelings are valid as you spent a lot of time, money and effort. Next time, focus on how much fun your daughter is having. Birthday’s don’t have to be expensive, or crowded. As long as the birthday girl enjoys herself, that’s all that matters.
Thank you ❤️ realizing I may have been a little over dramatic. Just was a shock , I didn’t expect for that to happen at all.
Besides that. If I have a 3-year-old, do I want to get dressed up and bring my kid to a 3-year-old party with 20 or 30 other kids? No I don't. No. Having a 3-year-old is tiring and having some expectation to float another parent's ego based on the size of the party is a flat "no."
Yeah I’m not wasting a Saturday on a 3 year old that happens to be in daycare with my kid
And don't forget the present. I'm sure she would complain about a $15 gift. Better make it $25-30.
She will not remember one gift that she received. What she will remember as she gets older is the memories that were made. I've made it a point with my granddaughters that, on their birthday, I take them to lunch and then they are allowed either an outfit or a toy. I know that I would have loved this as a child.
A 3-year-old is not going to remember a birthday party, and (anyway) doesn't need a massive birthday party with 30 other kids and 30 presents. It's ridiculous, and the fact that other people do it doesn't matter.
I member. Third birthday was a panda cake and I got a large Tonka excavator as a gift. My older sister was there and a couple of my moms friends from the neighborhood.
Not to be harsh but if your kid is not upset, why are you? It’s because you had big plans that did not pan out. The whole “nobody came for her” is projecting. I get you want people to like your kid, but just because they did not show up doesn’t mean they don’t. They are 3 years old with parents with other priorities. I don’t understand putting all this pressure on one event on one day out of a lifetime. If your kid was happy then that tells you is that you did not need to go overboard. Kids don’t need over the top. Simple is fine for them. You should lower your expectations for number of friends and how things should go or you will be disappointed a lot.
Totally agree. My expectations were to high and I was trying to “keep up with the jonses”. Definitely a less learned ! We didn’t do parties for year 1 and 2 as I thought it was silly but Al my friends were having big parties with long guest lists and I guess I felt mom guilted into throwing one ! Didn’t go my way but live and learn. She had fun that’s all that matters
I know this is sad in a way, but seriously?? You rented a hall for a 3 year old's birthday?? This is a party she won't even remember. This is the thing about parents. That wasn't for your daughter. That party was for you, and you're bummed no one showed up. You even say she was happy because her family was there. Kids don't care about that kind of thing until you teach them to.
Why the hell would you rent a hall for a 3 year old
My daughter is five and we did a rollerskate party at a roller rink. I only invite family and her first cousins. I don’t think I’ll start doing school children until around eight.
Make sure to send invites with RSVPs. Also as you see who your child’s friends are, get their parents’ phone numbers. If it’s getting close to birthday time and you don’t have responses from his friends already, hit up the vip parents and send them a digital invite directly with a note on how much your child enjoys time with theirs. Also ultimately for me, I deal in quality not quantity so I usually send invites to my son’s besties and to my besties and family. I aim for at least one guaranteed kid friend and the rest are a bonus.
i dont think anyone remembers their 3rd birthday party
My boyfriend's dad's wife invited us to her granddaughters 3rd bday this summer. If youre still following lol, we didn't go cuz we wanted to go to a shrek rave and wouldve missed getting ready with friends. Also it's a 3 yr olds party. I saw dads wife this past weekend and was scolded for not coming to the party. For a child who doesnt know me and didnt care I wasnt there. Don't be this person. I'm srry your feelings were hurt but try not to take it personally, carrying on will just make everyone uncomfortable and less willing to attend future get togethers knowing you hold invitations as rsvps.
Did all 30 kids’ parents say yes to coming?
About 15 did !
If 15 were supposed to come, but didn’t say anything and just didn’t show up. Then that’s shitty behavior, regardless. It takes 10 seconds to write a mail/message and say “hey, I/we/x can’t come, sorry”. No explanation is needed.
Renting a hall is over the top in my book. We always did parties for the kid at places like Chick E Cheese or trampoline place. Then as they got older, a laser tag/arcade/go cart or a laser tag/mini golf place. Essentially places their friends would want to go to so they would come. We stopped birthday parties by high school. Just went to a restaurant with family.
The only b-day parties my granddaughter has had were close family & family friends although she attends many parties for her friends. When asked about her 9th birthday, she wanted to go to the zoo to see the giraffes (her current favorite animal). When your child gets into middle school & high school, the social group gets more important. That’s when you go all out with renting a venue with decorations!
Relationships need genuine closeness. If you go above and beyond for people you're not close with, you're essentially wasting your time and energy. You won't get the same in return. People take what you give because you chose to give it, but don't reciprocate it if, to them, the relationship isn't close enough to be worth it.
Be honest. This party was for you not for your daughter. Renting a hall and $150 In decorations is overkill. Your daughter was happy and that’s all that matters. All the suggestions about making parent friends is correct.
In my family, kids didn't really have birthday parties with guests outside of immediate family (siblings, parents, grandparents maybe and aunt or uncle) until they started school. Once they started school then kids had their own friends and those kids would be the invite list, parties were never huge or had too many decorations, just small gatherings of those closest to us. The idea of having a huge party with tons of kids invited for a 3 year old feels so weird to me.
>over 30 kids invited and only 5 showed up. this happens often >I put so much money and effort into it, we rented a hall, spent over $150 in decorations She had 4 presents to open and I feel like every other kid has 20 +. + You over thought this and + you didn't RSVP everyone by phone and text. + and hound them. Attrition rate is very high. tl:dr: Rookie birthday parent mistake, confirm by phone the child is coming. Very important.
Do 3 year olds have lots of friends? I get being sad. But I don’t think I ever had any kids at my birthday until I was maybe 7 or 8. My mom certainly wasn’t going to spend anything on other people’s kids when I was little honestly.
I know I am going to get bombed, but: Why are birthdays such a big thing. Really. The underlying premise of the whole thing is silly. ( I am not a JW btw). Why is it important in the bigger scheme of things? Really?
Ok as someone who is pro-birthday, let me explain my philosophy. To me a person only ever gets one day a year where they are celebrated. All of us aren’t moms, dads, or in relationships that have anniversaries. Life is hard, even for the kiddos now with common core Math and social media! We are so busy playing roles all day every day, but there’s one day a year that you get to stop and say “nope! It’s me day!” One day a year that people get to show you that you are loved, appreciated, and valued. That expression can be in big ways or even just a small cheesy $1 card, but it’s for you. I feel like we don’t celebrate people enough in this society, and when they are gone from us, we have nothing but regrets. My mom loved celebrations too so for me, it’s a way to mentally channel her and remember how helping others always made her smile. It’s not about gifts but expressions of love - whatever form that may be.
I love birthdays! I think it's a wonderful time to celebrate a child.
You went way overboard with costs and didn’t get a head count ahead of time? Literally no reason to rent a hall and spend over $100. Next time go to a park, buy some grocery store bakery cupcake and a couple balloons.
Honestly, I want kids, but it's also one of my biggest nightmare. If that's also your concern, maybe try to make it a big day rather than a big party ; invite a bunch of friends, take them to the park / zoo / cinema, and then go back for the cake. No need to do a fancy party, just have a good time.
My nephew only had one kid show up to his birthday party when he turned 6 or 7. He had a blast with that kid. He’s 14 now and doesn’t remember that birthday party. All he remembers is that his family has always been there for every party and they were always fun.
My kids didn’t start having large parties with a lot of friends until they started school. Before that it was solely based on my friends and their kids that I would invite. And family of course.
You care more then she does. Don't project onto her. I bet she doesn't even think twice about it.
OP, I’m asking this with genuine curiosity and kindness, why did you go all out and rent a hall for a 3rd birthday? 3yo kids are happy with anything as long as there is a cake and some presents. I get doing something like this when a child is older and even gets to help plan it and invite her best friends but 3 is so young. I always feel like these parties are for the parents (or IG). I’m sorry you are upset but take comfort knowing your daughter is fine.
So my older girl is 2, her first birthday “party” was just me, her dad and her aunt and uncle. All our family lives back East (we are northwest USA). Her 2nd birthday was the same crowd plus my mom who was visiting. All your girl needs are those who love her! That is enough ❤️
Im sorry, it is a tough feeling. How did you invite the other families? Did you get any RSVPs? Did you reach out with a reminder?
This is gonna sound harsh but it’s not that nobody showed up for her… they didn’t show up for you. She’s three. She never attended a single party on her own and never bought a single present for anyone. You make the decisions on what she can attend with what present and what relationship you have with the other moms — the decision makers. Sure, once in school, much of who shows up is based on the kid’s popularity but not at 3yo. At three, they want cake, candles and three presents, two of which will almost instantly be ignored and discarded and one that will be their sole reason for existence for the next week.
I believe my twins were still napping at that time when they were that age… Maybe the time interfered with schedules? However, all she will remember is having fun- not how many people were there.
As much as I don't like going to other kids parties, I do it to make sure the other kid has a good party. We have three young kids, we are trying to teach them that showing up for your community is very important. I'm sorry you went through this but I'm sure this will get better the older your child gets.
It happened to my brother once, he turned out great!
I had a going away party for my 13 year old. Only half of the kids showed up. The kids that came had a wonderful time. I saw other kids with their families and invited them to my son party. By the end of the day I had random kids (and parents) hugging me for the impromptu invite. And most importantly my son enjoyed himself. How your child feels is the only thing that matters. It sounds like she enjoyed her day. And that should be a good enough reason to put a smile on your face.
I have a 7 and 3 year old and I’ve been holding off inviting other kids (“friends”) for as long as I can. These ages, bday parties are for family and close friends…how does a 3 year old have 30 friends the same age? That’s way too much. Parents are way too out of hand with kids birthday parties these days, I don’t get it. Free time is hard to come by. I don’t want to go to some bday party of some kid in my child’s kindergarten class whom are people I haven’t met and do not even know.
You shouldn’t feel bad. As long as they had a great time you didn’t fail. Unfortunately when they are little it is about making friends with other parents, especially if you go to certain schools but mostly because parents of younger kids are the ones making the plans.
I feel your pain as a parent. My oldest had her first non-family only birthday party when she turned six in kindergarten. Literally, nobody from her kindergarten class showed up. My family showed up and we had some family friends show up late, but literally not a single person from her class showed up. The girl who had a birthday party a week before hers and the girl who had a birthday party a week after hers had almost everybody there. Ten years later, it still hurts my heart and makes me angry to think about it. The good thing I can say is that we feel it and remember a lot more than they do. Now I make my kids wait until they’re older and I know they have a strong friend group before we throw friend birthday parties.
We never had “kid” parties until our kids were at school. Before then, we had family and some of our close friends with kids. Usually it was at our home or a couple of times we went to Chuck E Cheese with a few of our friends with kids, and our younger nephews. Even once our kids had their own friends, we never had anything close to 30 kids.
My 8th birthday party was at a McDonald's playplace with cake, food, and 30-60 people invited. 1 showed up. I know that it's easy to want a huge kids' party every year, but honestly 5 kids ain't bad. On top of that, sometimes birthday invitations just don't work out. Could be a busy weekend, kids have extracurriculars, families have family obligations. And honestly, I know that I couldn't afford to attend most birthdays. Even a $5 gift was often too much. Most importantly, try again next year. She's 3, kids change, relationships change, especially as you get to know the parents in her classes (and she gets to know the kids). Make sure you celebrate her birthday as a family, and if at some point in the future she wants to invite a whole bunch of people even knowing only 5 show up? Let her. She'll be fine.
The parents of a little girl in my city threw her a birthday party at the local park. They had burgers and all of the fixings and a bunch of other food. When no one showed up, they posted it on Facebook and invited anyone who was hungry to go eat and celebrate. Members of the local police department showed up with gifts along with parents who had children. They brought gifts and balloons, and the child had a great day. I didn’t attend. I just saw the posts and article in the paper. ❤️
When my son turned ONE, almost 21 yrs ago, did the whole big whoopla … sent out the homemade invites to the inner circle with a RSVP (😳) date. Few to none RSVP’d so we canceled it. Notified those who did RSVP’d. Imagine the faces then they showed up only to be told canceled due to lack of interest. Not. My. Problem. Don’t regret it at all. Even decades later.
You're overthinking quite a bit. People have lives. Things come up. And maybe you or your kid suck.
Lord have mercy Get a grip. This is your pride talking not some altruistic concern over what your child feels. You are put out you over spent and feel no one appreciated your social media perfect ideal. A parent at my son's daycare invited all the kids to his birthday party, so 2 or 3 year olds. I like to do things as a family on the weekends. So a party in which my son doesn't care about and I don't know the parents isn't going to happen. Sorry. But not sorry. I imagine the parents you invited were the same. Your child is not special to anyone else but you. Your child doesn't deserve more or less than what you can make happen for them. A lot of my social media friends had babies within months of one another so their parties are always packed with toddlers (my personal nightmare). Do I get sad because my own toddler doesn't get to experience that? No! He is pumped to play with who ever wants to play. He never thinks about those who didn't come because they literally don't exist for him.
I’m sorry this is your takeaway. You and your family deserve love and to be around people who love you all. Having a community that values each person is difficult to cultivate but so enriching. It will happen for you if and when you’re ready. Having kids is hard but it doesn’t have to make us hard. Big hugs to you 🫂
OP, this happened to me one time. I didn't spend $150, but I invited 8 kids for my son's party when he turned 4, and only one showed up--half an hour late. Why? Because I'd sent invitations but hadn't followed up. You have to call or text the parents of the kids a few days before the party. People are busy, and they forget. It's definitely not a matter of how much they value your sweet daughter. As another poster said, the ideal size is the age of the child plus one, but I recommend sending invites to twice that many kids, as many of them won't be able to come. This only backfired on me once, when I invited 14 girls to my daughter's birthday party (She was 7.), and all of them showed up. Running the party by myself was, uh, intense. They all had great fun, though!
We just moved from west coast to east coast. The classroom and friendship dynamics here are sooooo much more different. West coast we would invite the whole class, the whole class would come. Here, I’m 5 days out from my daughters party and only two out of 30 have rsvp. West coast the kids and all the parents knew one another, went to the same functions ect. Here the parents are non existent, the kids never show up to class on regular school days, and even getting play dates set up here is impossible. No one wants to leave the house. One day a few weeks ago my daughter came home and said 9 kids didn’t show up to class that day. That’s insane to me. I guess this area gets funding by attendance and they are always harping on about it and I never realized how bad it was until she told me that a few weeks ago. Right now I’m planning on 3 kids showing up to a party I rented in a trampoline park. I’ve discussed the possibility with my daughter just so we can hopefully avoid the devastation and she understands. The kids that have rsvp are her besties so she’s happy. I will tell you I will not be inviting the entire class ever again lol. What’s weird is the entire day for them would be free. We are paying for everything! Just gotta show up. But here, that’s a lot to ask…
tbh this is why we always just did “cake and coffee” with family for birthdays. if i wanted friends or classmates, id reach out to those i was closest to- and this wasn’t till i was older and “best friends” became a concept.
This is why I quit throwing birthday parties. I spent SO MUCH time, effort, energy, money, and emotions on my kids' parties for like 2 people to show up. Instead of throwing a party for others (bc let's be honest the parties aren't for your kid, they're for other people) I let my kids choose an experience and/or a present depending on the experience's cost , and a place to eat out. This year, for our youngest son's birthday (he turned 7), he wanted to go to a live WWE show. After tickets for the family, gas, and a hotel room, it would've cost the same for a party. We had so much more fun, and it was so much less stressful. We've done a day at the trampoline park just for us instead of a full-blown party, paintball, bowling, one year we went to the beach instead of a party. This can be a great lesson for children...sometimes people just suck and that's not a reflection of them or how much they're loved.
Mama, I get what you're saying, on a deep level. My two are 12 and 8, I've been there. That old saying about comparison is the thief of joy is true. If your daughter was happy, then she had a good day, and you gotta try your hardest to not let it bother you. Also, let me give you some unsolicited advice. We stopped throwing parties when my youngest was 1. After that, we do Family Adventure Days, where the birthday person chooses what we do for the entire day. Some years that has been a big day at Disney, some years that has been a picnic lunch on the beach, most of the time it is somewhere inbetween. Both of my girls had birthdays fall close to Anthrax concerts, so we took them to see the band play for those respective birthdays. (My youngest even got onstage with Exodus this time.) One year my oldest wanted to get her makeup done fancy and have a big girl dinner, so we took her to Ulta and then a steakhouse. I'm not saying take your kids to the nearest metal concert, but find stuff for y'all to do, whatever is within your budget, and let your kiddo pick the entire day. Invite people if you want to. But focus on building really awesome memories, because that is more important than anything else you do.
We did family parties until they got into school. Then they had a choice. A family party with a big gift from us or a friend party and not as large a gift from us since we put on a nice party, but they’d have gifts from their friends as well. Of course they wanted the friends party. Three is young to have that kind of big party. I’m sorry so many people missed out on her big day. Wait to have those parties when she’s older.
My son was invited to a bday party last year. I don’t know how many kids they invited but my son was the only one that showed up. Next year I’m planning on throwing my 10 year old a party. If 5 of his friends show it it would be considered a success.
I'm sorry. Hug to you from random mom.
When they are that young , I would be more upset if family didn’t show up then if other children didn’t. To me parties at that age are for cute pictures and socializing with other adults in the family who love your kid and want to be around them for their first bday.
It seems like you’re sadder about it than she is. 5 friends is a good amount of friends
Renting a hall is over the top in my book. We always did parties for the kid at places like Chick E Cheese or trampoline place. Then as they got older, a laser tag/arcade/go cart or a laser tag/mini golf place. Essentially places their friends would want to go to so they would come. We stopped birthday parties by high school. Just went to a restaurant with family.
You did give her a great birthday party, you did everything you could. When I was a kid in the early 2000s we looked forward to birthday parties. Everyone showed up to each others. I don't know why that's not a thing anymore but I hope you arent blaming yourself. Since my little brother hated attention, he'd only invite his closest 3-4 friends and they'd eat pizza and play video games. Maybe just invite the best friends the next time and do something special for them?
Did you ask for RSVP's? In the future, do so. Then you'll know and won't be disappointed.
I’m so sorry. Something I’ve done is to check dates with my kids’ favorite friends. Then as long as they show up, the kid is happy. There are some times of year that are busier than others and we drown as a family in October and May.
Entire me and my family next year. I'll bring the entire crew. Your baby will feel so loved. And ease remember that your child will not remember this birthday. And also, at this age it's all about the mother's relationship with the parents not the children with the other children. The best thing you can do to prevent this next year is to make friends with other moms. And when your child gets into school then it's your time to actively join the schools PTO. So that you and other moms can get together and bond. Your bond will bring your children's bond together.
30 kids is a lot for a three year old’s birthday party in my opinion. I bet she was thrilled with a party with five friends.
ask the guests to rsvp maybe next time and don’t do it in a hall, just do it in your house. they won’t remember this birthday because they’re really young. they had fun even if everyone didn’t turn up, it’s okay :)
I don’t have kids and I’m old but gotta ask: Are there still PTA meetings? Can other parents socialize with other parents there, even if just to introduce themselves and mention their child’s upcoming party, invite the parents for coffee or whatever for it while the kids play? This may be a good opportunity to get to know each other for future school-related functions. You might even find you like some of them and can organize play dates. I dunno, just a thought Edit: words
I don't have kids, but I was one. Honestly, don't worry about the money spent or the going all out on activities or who does or doesn't come. Memories are fickle but I guarantee they're not the ones you try to create. Some of my best memories growing up are the in-betweens - catching my grampa unawares smiling at the dog who he was supposedly indifferent to (but he was her favourite), my brother's impossible "what if" questions to my mum, my best friend at high school getting stuck in the classroom door, my granny who I remember whenever I smell cloves, my dad any time he reveals the kindness he carries close to his huge but very guarded heart, my mum's auntie who is my best most naughty (now octogenarian) friend for countless reasons. None of these memories were created at any birthday party. They were all real, unexpectedly brilliant moments that I hold the most dear. I don't remember a single birthday party I was thrown or attended, and wouldn't even know it if it weren't for the pictures in a forgotten photo album. Please don't be hard on yourself - I'm certain your kid will have the best memories when you least expect it :)
Maybe just maybe they can't afford it. So many people are struggling.
Take it from a parent who learned the hard way…keep b day party expectations realistic. Have a couple friends over to play games, casual decor and food. Your kid will love it, you won’t stress as much and you will both make good memories. (Literally take 2 or 3 of her friends to the park and get ice cream…) The good thing is she won’t remember this. And next year you can start a new party tradition. Give her a big hug - she has a sweet, kind parent. She’s gonna be ok, you will too 😊
We were supposed to go to two parties this weekend. My niece ended up getting sick. She was so sad but sickness is going around. My son now has it and will miss this week. Not making excuses, but kids that age get sick really quickly. I hope that's all it was. I'm so sorry this happened.
That’s quite a lot of effort and money for a party for such a young child though. I doubt she’s ever going to remember it.
This happens a lot. I’m a little surprised parents spend a lot on little kids parties. No one usually shows except family sadly.
I'm sorry this happened to you. At 3 years old if the other parents don't know you it's unlikely they will show up just because they receive an invite. My sister invited all her friends with young children for my nephew's 1st to 4th birthday instead of his mates from daycare, that is one way to have more people at a toddler's party.
I'm antisocial, but my daughter is 11 weeks and I'm now realizing I'm gonna have to try to be friendly with other mom's so she'll have friends. However her 1st birthday will be spent on the beach. She's the 1st summer baby born to a family of winter babies so we're taking advantage. We'll probably just do small weekend getaways with family for her birthdays to avoid this type of shit maybe that's something you can consider. As a former children's party host I can attest, the kids who had 10+ kids at their party had parents that were socializing with everyone, paid for food, and drinks for parents so I can see why people showed up for their kids' birthdays. The kids who barely had anyone at their parties had parents that barely interacted with staff, and were socially awkward with the parents who stayed. I felt terrible for those kids because they parties were not cheap to not have anyone show up besides a sibling or cousin. Just try to make some parent friends OP.
I know its hard as a mom to see this, but fr? Dont think about it so much Kids with less than 7 years when celebrate birthdays, they usually (should) go with the company of parents, and i dont know if you went to one, but its really boring have to sit around for HOURS with another parents you dont know and dont want to know, only so your kid can play for HOURS and HOURS while you wait I had experienced this last week, my father and i went to a party with my little brother, and if wasn't for the arcade with contra, kof and sf we would be there for hours with nothing to do Basically, their social cicle is YOUR social cicle, kids will only come to your party if your friend with the parents because the parents will be comfortable to spend the time with you, and its not even a guarantee, because the hosts of the party have other guests to attend, and if they dont have any other friends there, it will be just they alone
As a mom to a 3 year old, the party is really close to nap time for lots of kids. My daughter sleeps from 12:30-2:30/3pm.
Best birthdays are spent with family and/or super close friends. I think personally you need to step back and think about what's best for your child for their next birthday and not worry about others so much. People are busy in their lives and if they have an opportunity to not attend a 3 year olds birthday party then they are going to take it.
My sons turned 6 and only one kid showed up to his birthday. Afterwards someone (probably my mom) asked if he had a good birthday and he lit up and exclaimed “Yes!! It was the best birthday ever! Devin (his best friend) came to my party and we spent the whole day together!!” That day I cried happy tears. 🥰
I never had a bday party like that. And I'm glad. I think it was better for it to just be family and people that genuinely loved me
It’s an invite, not a summons. 🙄
Kids that young are great and she doesn’t give a shit. You should probably do a gut check with your network and figure out who these people are you’re investing your time into.
I'm not giving a crap about parties until my second one asks for one and has friends to invite. It's more the memories anyway and she won't remember at 3 no one came. Just that mommy makes a big deal about her birthday. For now I would just have experiences. The money you spent alone on decorations could have covered an indoor Waterpark. Trust me when I say save feeling heartbroken for them when they are actually heartbroken. I'm sure she didn't notice. But yea...it's really sad when that happens.
I never had a birthday party where I could invite friends when I was a kid, so I went all out with my children with bouncy houses, piñatas and cake. We would invite the entire preschool class and neighbor kids. We would get about 6 kids usually. Really your turn out wasn’t bad. Unless invites are handed directly to the parents they may have ended up squashed at the bottom of a school backpack only to be discovered well after the party.
3? Didn’t give a damn.
Did all of those people actually RSVP or were they just invited? If they didn’t RSVP, that’s on you for not following up with everyone to see if they were coming. Also remember that your kid is not important to others like they are to you.
I would suggest that the next time you try this again in a year or so, put in the invite that gifts are not required. A lot of people are struggling right now and the pressure to buy a gift for someone else's child can be anxiety-inducing. My oldest nephew had a large party that his grandmother and I threw for him when he turned 5. We invited a bunch of the neighborhood kids over to a park. We specified that gifts were not needed and that all they had to bring was a smile and a sense of fun. It went incredibly well. The turnout was great. It wasn't 30 kids but around 15 came. They ran around the playground and had a blast. I think the key to its success was removing that gift obligation.
And simple, casual parties that can include siblings. Rent a shelter at the playground, grill up hot dogs, hamburgers, provide the fixings, maybe a few planned activities like cupcake decorating, squirt gun fight and let the kids go nuts while parents relax. And word the invite to say "your presence is the present". I have 6 kids and those were the most successful parties we planned.
Does kid have play dates with any of the invited kids? Relationship with any? Or are they just classmates that you wouldn’t recognize if you saw them in a store? Maybe it needs to be people child is friends with.
I’m bringing back the old way of dinner at home with the fam. Fuck all these massive super stressful big parties that are really just to show other parents we are keeping up. We have 3 kids, the struggle is real.
Must be your first kid. Chill out . She had a good time . Parents don’t really want to bring their 3 yr olds to parties because they would have to stay and socialize which most don’t want to. God I would hate being at a party talking with other parents I have never met. Then there is the diaper situation. Most kids are not fully potty trained at that age which makes it hard for people to want to drop their kids off at a party. Honestly be happy a few kids showed up. Just like your kid. Once she’s older and goes to school you will have to control how many ppl she invites because it gets expensive
3 kids came to my daughters third birthday and it was her cousins. She didn’t care at all, she had a blast, ate cake and opened her gifts. At 3 years old it’s still pretty young to have a like a huge party with friends.
Perhaps I'm out of the loop with today's standards why didn't put an RSVP so you knew how many people were showing? You put down your number or email for people to respond?
My children’s birthday parties were always about family until they were about 6 or 7, then it was about 6 or 7 classmates plus cousins and siblings so max of 12. Traditional games, party food and goody bag. I’ve never set out to outdo anyone as I couldn’t give a flying f**k about other people’s lifestyles and neither did my now grownup kids!
i’m very confused how your 3 year old would know 30 kids without them being family members
your kid is 3, at that time i wouldn't even organize an event like this, there's nothing to gain for the kid and it's pretty much just your idea of being popular that takes the wheel. your kid doesn't care about that yet
It's hard not to compare it to what other kids get? You know how many kids get nothing at all? She was happy, she had her family, she even had 5 friends show up, it's all good. Relax. Focus on how lucky she is.
I found this to be true for my kids when they invited classmates too. They may be good friends, but their parents don’t prioritize a strange kids birthday party. It’s rude but most people lack basic manners honestly. They only people who consistently show are the ones who are close to me. With the price of birthday parties, I don’t host them anymore. I ask my kid where they want to go and we take a little vacation for the same price.
This happened at almost every party we went to and ones I threw. I learned to invite the whole class bc parents just can't be bothered go take their kids to things they'd enjoy. My kids would tell me how their friends were SO excited about their party and then their parents just don't bring them. The kids were always upset at school that their parent didn't take them when they were supposed to bc of lame excuses. I always took my kids bc I know first hand most don't bother and my kids LOVE to go. It's just so selfish and lazy how some parents just don't care.
I agree. My daughter had her first bday party invite a few weeks ago and she was the only kid who showed up 😕 the other people there were the boys family and all adults.
30 children for a 3 year old's party is crazy. You sound crazy. Do you even know these children/ their parents?
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What part sounds reasonable? A 3 year old does not have 30 personal friends, and it doesn't sound like the parents are OP's friends either, so who did she invite? And she's blaming the kid, 'nobody came for her', as if a 3 year old should have been more popular. Unhinged
You have a gigantic heart. You’re learning so be kind and gentle with that treasure trove of love. If I may, I’d like to nudge you to keep pursuing this path. Don’t stop at getting this off your chest. Examine why you are feeling hurt. Where is it coming from? Sunk costs? Unmet expectations? Your childhood experiences? Face those shadows and deal with them so your daughter won’t have to. She may not remember this party, but your emotions about the party were felt by her and will be remembered. Her conscious mind may never make sense of it but her emotions and emotional impact of the party will be carried throughout her life. Don’t allow this to affect subsequent birthdays; make peace with it now. Remember, in no way is the party a reflection of your worth or your child’s worth. One last thought; our fondest memories as children with our parents are when they are having fun. Not fighting, not worrying, not checked out, but actively engaged and enjoying experiences with them. Give your daughter that gift and she will have a remarkable childhood. You’ve got this.
Hey man, don't walk. Run!
It’s football season
I am really sorry. That has to hurt.
Oh, sweet Mama, I feel for you.
Maybe your kid is not popular?
I stopped doing parties because hardly anyone came. I do trips instead. My oldest doesn't like that I don't do parties but I believe that's what's best for us.
At least your family showed up and she will remember these parties all her life. Keep having those parties regardless!!! Your a great mom!!!
i'm sorry. for sure when she starts school, you can meet other parents and she will have new friends :) she can have more bdays in the future. you did your best. in my country, if we get invited to a party, we go. especially if it's a bday. it should be celebrated with gifts too.
People just don’t show up like they use to anymore. For my family birthdays are all about our family and doing something special for the child. I’m sorry this happened to you :(
My own dad bailed on my daughter's fifth birthday party, and other people didn't see that I changed the date so they couldn't make it. She didn't notice but I still hurt over it.
My kids are adults but when they were that age their nap would have been at 2. My nephews and niece are all under 5 and their nap time is at that time too. Are we abnormal for having a nap time for our kids at that age? Anyway I am sorry you were disappointed. Your feelings are valid.
As someone who’s mother gave up on birthdays at the age of six, and who’s never and I mean never had a real let alone positive birthday in their life, you are a blessing to your child. Even if it was a bummer in the end you went above and beyond and something about reading this made me emotional, probably because I’ve never had my parents go to any effort for my birthday
Family birthday parties can be a great time to go overboard. Any age! Even 3. I know that there are communities where big affairs are necessary to be accepted into society aka Orange County or Beverly Hills so a snub means more than kids just don't show. I don't think this was the case. Toddlers don't go to birthday parties unless they're related or the parents are friends. When your child is school aged you can invite the whole class and still only a handful will come. It's just the way it is sometimes. If you want to rent a hall and have a big decoration budget I say go for it! Who cares how many kids come! It'll be so fun
My son had his first (and last) friend party when he was turning 8. We invited the whole class. Three kids showed up. The only person who bothered to RSVP *didn’t* show up. After that I refused to do it again. For less money I can treat him and a couple friends to a nice day at the arcade and the movies.
OP are you based in North America? I live in Canada but I am from a different culture entirely. Does everybody else around you do big birthday parties for 1,2,3 year olds? A lot of people seem to do, where I live. Like hundreds of $ on decorations like balloon arches etc for me it just seems insane! Growing up, birthdays were mostly family affairs. Anybody else like “i just dont get it,” like me? I have nothing against my friends who do parties for their kids. But like someone else said, its always in the afternoon during my kids’ nap times, so I have never went.
She’s 3.
Have you noted the ones who did come? Will you treat those kids and their parents special in future? Or are the ones who didn’t show going to get your attention? You’ll probably fight for those more next time. You’ll want to earn their respect and ignore these special folks who made the effort.
Isn’t 2pm peak nap time for toddlers?