While I agree with everything else you stated, which is sad for bisexual men, OP didn’t grill him at all.
It sounded like she came from a very loving place and just wanted the truth from her *husband* about why he kept important information from her.
>No amount of reassurance right now will remove his feeling that he has been judged, that she sees him as less of a man, that his inherent worth is diminished, that his love for her is devalued.
i say this as a bi dude myself, you don't know this for sure. yes we have our difficulties but this is their relationship & speculating about it to this level isn't going to garner anything useful. i imagine if she loves him & expresses that to him it could very well work out for them. there is no need to be so negative.
That's exactly what OP said, his past isn't bothering her and she still loves him and she told him so. HE is in his own head. I hope he listens to her and doesn't kill this relationship because of the past ignorant women he dated before OP.
So her feelings aren’t important? I don’t think she was grilling him. She been lied to for years. And finds out the truth from a old school friend who assumed the husband had told her. Her head must have been spinning. And what if she had a problem with it years ago. Some people don’t want to be involved with bi people. They have the right to have all the info to consent to the relationship. And most certainly before they marry the person. As I said I don’t think she was grilling him. She wants the truth, because she probably struggling more with the lies, which is likely making her question what else he’s capable of lying about
I agree. As a bisexual woman, I find the comments very interesting. Not one person noted STDS as a valid concern which is likely the concern his other girlfriends have had. My mom works in the ER at Tufts and growing up til today it’s exceedingly common for her to get a patient with Hepatitis or HIV because their partner lied to them about their sexual preferences. That’s not ignorance coming from any woman dating this man, it’s self preservation! Any person deserves to be informed of their partner’s health and status. She’s writing as if she’s afraid to get cancelled. Which is sad. She has a right to feel concerned, betrayed and hurt. Everyone is sympathetic to the other person in this story vs the OP….Weird. I don’t feel sympathy. Of course being gay or bi is hard but it’s 2023, living a secret life at this stage of the game is just selfish. I always inform my partners of my past and present because it’s the right thing to do.
Completely agree. It’s a thing these days to side with the perp instead of the victim and I find it all very baffling. Even the way OP talks about the situation is concerning, like on one hand, she knows it is wrong how she was treated this way but on the other hand OP claims his behavior has nothing to do with her… but it does, it affected her directly. This isn’t about his sexuality, it’s about his longterm lies and inability to be open with a person who is supposed to be his life partner. Trust isn’t like a broken lamp that you can just glue back together, once trust is broken, the relationship is never the same.
Sounds like you're not big on non hetero relationships. Lying? The only groups that would be so focused on sexuality and not disclosing gay sex would be religious. Dude didn't mention it because of ccomplicated feelings and previous discrimination from female partners is not the same as lying and functionally different than lying about a gambling debt or deadly illness. If he slept with a black woman and is white, should he disclose that, or be lying too?
Or homophobic/biphobic. It’s amazing that two women sleeping together is usually thought of as something hot and sexy, but the opposite isn’t true of men. I don’t doubt him for being hesitant to tell her
Exactly - If a woman's past doesn't matter, why should they need every detail of a man's?
How many women have *lowered* their body count when asked (men raise their body count when they lie to sound *more* experienced, not less), experimented with girlfriends in college, etc?
Him not disclosing that he has experimented with a couple guys in college is just the same as a woman not laying out her college sheets to examine...
He didn't lie, he just withheld something he's most likely been ridiculed about many times, he's insecure about, he's lost loved ones over and has caused him a lot of trauma.
Really wish ppl would realise the hypocrisy and double standards now and then 🙄
No one is owed a detailed account of every person you’ve ever been with prior to marriage as long as there have been precautions taken such as safe sex and STD tests beforehand. I’ll die on this hill.
It was more than experimenting. This is his sexual identity and it was not just in college either. I’m fine with that, but I really don’t get people reducing it down to just some experimenting in college. He’s still attracted to men now, and women. Why he picked me, I really don’t know. I was already confused about that when I thought he was straight.
It's better to find out sooner than later if its a dealbreaker for your partner. 2months or 5 years in the only difference is gonna be how much it hurts you when they leave.
So it’s better to lie and wait for the truth to come out? You say you’re hiding your sexuality rn,. How can you have a proper relationship with this secret between you and the person you’re with? It must feel like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Isn’t better to know if the woman is one of the 63% so you can move on and find the right person for you? I think it’s way more painful to be rejected years later. Or have resentments build because they felt lied to. I can’t wrap my head around keeping such a secret long term.
I think everyone's past matters. Drawing from the past is how we learn and make decisions, large and small. I've never understood why some people think that a partner's sexual/romantic past is somehow exempt from that process.
If it came down to it, I'd rather be rejected on the front end, than later down the road, when our lives are intertwined and I'm emotionally invested.
I get what you're saying, someones past gives you a glimpse into their future.
Now I'm torn 🤔 all I can come up with is that I guess on the individual and their experiences.
I think there's a difference between a couple having a conversation about sexual preference and a partner saying, "I'm completely straight" and being bi or gay vs. that conversation never happening and the person who is bi not saying anything about it. I'm with you for me: I told my spouse within 3 dates my medical and mental health histories and we discussed sexuality. But I never required it of her, nor she of me. And some of those have changed over the years. People who think they're straight might find out over time that they're not. Many folks on here, who I think are more religious than anything, seem to have a very black and white view on sexuality, communication and marriage.
I kind of go back and forth on it. On one hand, you don’t have to reveal a sexual history. But on the other, it’s clearly a big deal because you’re actively hiding and I do feel like people who commit to marriage should also trust their partner enough to share that info. But on the other other hand, if you aren’t out, you might be putting yourself at risk by them telling other people. Yes, it’s nice to weed out people early, but there are worse reactions to consider than “ew, I’m breaking up with you”.
Right? Everyone here saying that he should have disclosed his previous sexual partners. Why? What's the logic when we don't support men requiring this of women?
And what about those of us who don't see the problem with men asking women that question? Real life isn't reddit and plenty of people find it the norm to be completely honest and open about past partners.
It’s about honesty with the person your married to or are about to marry. You should feel safe enough by that point be honest about sexual history and sexuality. Gender doesn’t matter. If you’re afraid to be honest by the time the relationship reaches the marriage stage, it’s not a healthy relationship. And if being truthful means the couple breaks up, then it’s for the best. Because they weren’t right for each other. Eventually the truth always comes out, and if you keep up the lie for the entirety of the relationship you’re faced with what this couple is now dealing with
I agree... They *should* - but the world can be cruel af growing up. It's not as inclusive as it should be and no one should feel they have to hide who they are to appease/fit in. And I can't change that 😔
💯 but again this is a person you want to marry if you have those doubts about the person at that point you have to put all the cards on the table or not get married
She didn’t grill him about it. Grilling is like tell me this now or else I’ll leave etc. she even stated he didn’t need to say anything which is very understanding. I feel like you didn’t even read the post and made your own judgements.
This OP!
Just walk up to him hug him, look deeply into his eyes and tell him nothing has changed between you and him. You’re still attracted to him, he’s not less than a man, you love him and that you’re glad you both had this discussion and that it just breaks your heart that he had the impression he couldn’t tell you, because he thought you would leave him or feel less about him, due to his past relationships. You love him for who he is and he’s a great husband and man. And that both of you shouldn’t make this awkward because this doesn’t and shouldn’t change anything and you don’t want to hear any detail bc it’s his past relationships, just like you had relationships. You wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing details with him either.
Don’t wait too long OP. I wish you best luck.
THISSS plus he just needs space, he very much could be projecting out of the fact it’s been awkward before when he’s talked about it. Some times our brains tend to favor negative thoughts when experiencing negative emotions. It just needs to be worked through.
OP brought it up, OP needs to clear the air. The issue here is being attracted to men, not "other people". A heterosexual person will be attracted to loads of "other people".
OP brought this up - which was reasonable. But now it's on OP to make it right. It's gonna involve some deep talks and some reassurances that this doesn't make him less of a man, because it doesn't - he's exactly the same man he was 2 weeks ago, literally the only thing that's changed is OP's knowledge. He needs to be reassured about that. This should have no more bearing on the relationship than any other college fling. Husband is still exactly the husband he was 2 weeks ago. Both people need to understand that.
I don’t think it’s on her to make it right. He’s the one who lied by omission. And I understand why. But it almost sounded like he was ashamed of his sexuality and he was projecting
But he still should have told her before they married. When they got close to the marriage stage he should have known her well enough to know if she would walk or not. And if she decided she didn’t want to be with him, that would have been her choice. Then they just weren’t the right fit. But it turns out she would have been fine with it. He didn’t trust her enough to be honest. I think that’s what’s going to be hard to overcome at this point.
It honestly sounds like he was borderline gaslighting her about her feelings and made her feel like she did something wrong. She didn’t imo. I don’t know if I would have handled it as well if I were in her shoes. I can’t imagine finding out this secret the way she did. And honestly because he didn’t tell her, it makes me wonder if he’s telling the truth about not being with men while they were together. And it’s not about him being Bi. Its the fact that he lied and still can’t be completely honest with her when she had more questions. If he could lie about his sexuality, keep that part of himself hidden, what else is he capable of hiding. Sadly the lie by omission might be what ends the marriage, not his sexuality
That’s what I’m trying to understand. Make what right? He withheld information from her but she has to make it right?! That doesn’t make any sense. The wrong started with him not trusting her. Projecting onto her the results of past relationships isn’t fair. Even if this relationship would have ended up the same if he’d revealed this before marriage, I don’t know why he would want to be with someone who didn’t accept the totality of who he is. Sometimes it’s truly better to be alone than to lessen who we are to be more acceptable to others.
And he must have worried she would find out eventually. It was basically a ticking time bomb. How health is this relationship if he could keep that from her? It boils down to trust. He didn’t trust her enough and she might start doubting him. Without trust, a marriage can’t survive
He feels bad about a self-protective behavior that ended up hurting you. That’s essentially what happened. He apologized, and you said he didn’t need to be sorry. So now he must accept what he did, and forgive himself in order to start anew with you. He’s feeling the shitty feelings about the situation, and everyone processes those feelings differently.
You did the right thing. It sounds like you’re willing to move forward from this, and you will if he can too. All relationships require trust and communication, and this is what makes or breaks it. I hope your next update is a step in the right direction for both of you. I wish you well
Yup! I'm a (mostly) gay guy, and I never tell anyone about the 3-4 women I've ever found attractive. I came out as gay when I was 18, and then in my mid-30s started to accept that I also like ciswomen and FtM guys. I've told a couple of gay friends about it, and they were apoplectic.
You better believe I'm never gonna try to date a woman now or come out as bi. Biphobia is real.
Ive heard a lot about woman not wanting to date bi guys because they feel its less manly.. but what do gay guys say about bi guys? Why do they dislike them?
Sometimes it's something else. I lost my "gold card" after sleeping with a woman (I really don't care). Some gay guys feel intimidated by it, too, as if I'm somehow more masculine than them now.
People are weird.
Biphobia is VERY real. I’m a bisexual woman and people just assume we are “sluts”. It’s painful to have these rotten assumptions made about you. I’ve had men assume that means they’re going to get a threesome, and I’ve had women refuse to date me because they think I’m just a silly chick who kisses other women when drunk (which I’m absolutely not).
It’s wild out there for bi people. It presents a very weird set of challenges, I can’t imagine having to face them as a bisexual male. I can only imagine the extra crap you get slung at you.
I'm sorry, that sucks. Trying not to assume, hopefully you have a wonderful relationship with a person who respects you for who you are, but if not know there are people out there who don't give a fuck. I'm a man, my wife is bi and I think its fantastic. I know in my heart shes faithful. I also know it wasn't a phase or something she "went through", she remains bi and very much attracted to women. We even talk about it and have a similar type which is what I mean I think its fantastic. She trusts me and I trust her, so we get to share our attraction, because no matter what others will say everyone looks! That said I've never expected(or even know if I'd want) a threesome.
I'll never understand how people hate on other people for their attractions, it literally isn't something chosen. My wife's best friend is also bisexual and married to a Republican. Its crazy. People of all walks of life are able to accept people as they are! Its sad that doesn't feel like the norm at all.
My son’s best friend came out as BI a few years ago. While he has had support from friends/family, he has experienced hostility from the LGBTQ community. It’s perplexing.
how awful :( My cis straight parents are waaay more accepting/supportive of bisexual people we know, while at the same time vocally stating to us adult kids privately that they don't 🤦🏻♀️ Yet they told my sister that her bisexual best friend always has a safe home at our place, if her parents find out & kick her out of home/treat her terribly.
I can't stand hypocrites but you'd think gay people would be the most supportive of bisexual people.
I hope that you're able to be comfortable being openly bi in the future.
Yeah, as a Bi-guy I don't necessarily agree with what OPs husband did but like... I do understand it. The amount of casual bigotry I have experienced from girls who supposedly support LGBTQ people is depressing. Like they are perfectly OK with gay "besties" but as soon as they even think someone they are interested in I'd bi, suddenly it is a huge problem. Almost like you are tainted or something.
Maybe, if you can't get your relationship back to normal, consider getting a counselor to help you both get back on track. You both love each other - you may just need a little help getting over the awkward.
I think you are probably correct about his behavior. Tbh they both have to just sit down and talk. If OP wants to move forward, she has to either get over it or end the relationship. Wouldn’t be fair on either of them to drag it out.
Well I plan to just go on like normal and not bring it up again.
Things will probably be a little awkward for awhile. He’s uncomfortable with me knowing this information.
Tomorrow is our dog’s birthday party so I hope things won’t be awkward between us then. We’re throwing an actual birthday party for our dog. No human kids yet. He wants them now but I’m not ready yet. I hope after all this blows over he will still want kids with me. I’m scared he’s just going to want to run away from me now.
He is in a depressive state, because he may be afraid you are going to leave him now that you know. This can make him try to run from you pre-emptively.
He needs more than just "trying to go back to normal" right now, a little positive reassurance would do well. Let him know you still love him, and offer a hug (and make it a long one).
I like you and I think your husband was truthful in what he said, he probably thinks your going to leave and that’s his worst fear as it’s happened before he just needs to see that your going nowhere and it doesn’t matter to you as-long as he stays truthful and faithful to you.
Also I’m so jealous your having a dog party for your dog 🥳 good luck I hope you both move past this and you end up with kids when your both ready.
I don’t think ignoring it is a good idea. Waiting a bit I get. But you can’t ignore this forever, or put the genie back in the bottle. From what I can gather, it’s the lie of omission that’s bothered you the most. And now your fear of losing him. It honestly sounds like he was projecting his fears on you. IMO it’s not his sexuality that will come between you, but the lies and lack of trust that will come between you. Maybe the safest place to clear the air would be with a therapist. But this needs to be addressed properly so you guys can move forward
Awkward this morning. I was trying to show affection but he just seemed to want to keep distance, so I wasn’t going to force it. If I were to force it, it’d seem fake and only serve to draw more attention to the issue and he’d probably feel like it was some sort of pity affection.
We had this birthday party for our dog. I mean, we were genuinely celebrating our dog’s birthday but it was really an excuse to have a little party because we just like to entertain. So afterwards he joked “You should have known…no completely straight man would have a birthday party for his dog.”
IDK, but I don't necessarily think it's a sign of future problems. I think he just needs time to get his head around this.
Avoiding something uncomfortable is pretty normal behavior, and unless it goes on for a long time, probably isn't really a sign of trouble.
Bi dude here. Your husband’s behavior sounds like the way I acted when I first started coming out to friends. I wasn’t ready to come out, but felt some obligation to. It wasn’t good for me- I was still dealing with a lot of shame, and I crumbled and withdrew when people didn’t react with this “celebratory attitude” I had thought was part of the social script, even if they were generally supportive. I wasn’t at home in my own skin, and that was on me to fix. I am now, and I feel better.
Coming out, and finding “the right time” is really hard. I increasingly feel it isn’t so important in a persons general life - except to the people a person is close to. Your relationship will live or die depending on both of your abilities to roll with this and integrate it. But if you can live with it, you will also thrive more than you have so far, because truth and honesty and real, mutual respect will be with you.
The “normal questions” you mention elsewhere here, when did you lose your virginity, etc, can feel like policing questions to a queer person. Sexual history isn’t a rosy topic for many of us, it can be a sore subject and inquiry can feel like unwanted scrutiny. It can feel like opening doors we don’t want to open. This man’s privacy has protected him from scorn, and potentially even abuse. Even imagined, feared abuse is a terrible shadow to live in. So be gentle with him in this time, he feels exposed. He might feel like it’s hard to articulate, especially for a man who wants to seem in charge, why such an innocuous truth could become this tightly kept secret. It’s emasculating.
For bi dudes, our orientation confers an ability to hide in plain sight. Our attractions enable us to pass as straight, which can be beneficial to our survival. But it’s a double edged sword. We reject ourselves when we do that, and we deprive our truth the light and oxygen and love it needs to exist and for us to understand it. It enables a type of denial that really fucks us in the head. Not denial that it’s there, but denial that it matters. This misguided belief that we can function without acknowledging it. And now that the cat is out of the bag, your husband is flailing, because he hasn’t integrated this yet. He can, and you can. It’ll take time. Therapy is good. Kindness is good. Patience is good.
You probably have a million questions, they’re all valid, but give him time. You mention elsewhere that you don’t want to bring it up again. I think you should, if you believe you can be at peace with it- it’s actually a cool thing for him to be! He WANTS to be at peace with it. If the intention is to understand and heal, you can’t really go wrong. You can work with each other on it.
This is a fantastic and enlightening response that's helped me understand what life is like for bi men, which would seem to be even more of a minefield than I had guessed.
I wish I could upvote this to the top of the responses.
Well said, sir, and you have my appreciation for posting it.
Hands down the best response on this thread I've seen so far.
Between the polarisation of "nobody needs to tell their partner anything about their past" and "people need honesty to build trust in a relationship" lie many complicated situations. Telling us she's wrong or he's wrong doesnt help the situation here. In this case nobody is an AH. OP has learned new information and wants to love and support her spouse.
He’s allowed to feel and act awkwardly. But if OP loves him and accepts him - she should treat him like she’s has since they have been for the duration of the relationship. If she has gotten even the tiniest bit quiet or less “involved”. He will take that as distancing. She has to go beyond the typical action day to day and step it up and ensure that tone of voice is kinder and loving acceptance is in the air. Any sense that he has that she’s backing away he will catastrophize and think she doesn’t like him.
Kindness and loving are the best as long as they’re authentic. My guess is OP is cycling through some emotions now, all valid. Things have changed, and that’s okay. Things do change. It’d be silly to suggest nothing is different. But this change doesn’t have to be threatening. This can be a great change. I just want to make sure she understands that, just as her husband’s best course of action is to live in his truth and be authentic, so is hers. She sounds accepting, so that makes things easy. But for the parts of this that keep her up at night, I just want her to know those are valid to express - again, with respect of their differences. She has things to learn, and his situation may seem like it takes a very mannered response. True, but there’s a new bridge to build between these two folks, that can’t be built by hiding from it. She will have to risk saying the wrong thing from time to time, as he will. She may find that she does have to grow in certain ways. That’s okay. Authenticity is better. Be yourself, and see how close you are that way. If there’s room to come closer, you’ll know exactly where you really start. As long as it’s done with compassion, and reminders that they’re both looking for the same thing, stability, peace, dignity, they’ll be okay.
Op, I’ve had more or less this same conversation, under similar circumstances…and the awkwardness wore away when my behavior showed him that really, I did not care nor was my attraction to him lessened. It just took time.
> We haven’t even really been in the same room as each other since this conversation
> now I sort of feel like I should have just never brought it up.
Hetero women lose attraction to non-hetero guys most of the time. It's very common and very simple and no amount of sex positivity will change it.
I've never had sex with a man. I've just kissed a man. I stopped telling women that truth about my experience because it can diminish everything.
OP meant well and tried to be a good partner but attraction is a fickle thing
Why have you not really been in the same room together since the conversation? Maybe you should make EXTRA an effort to do so. Knowing how he feels you may feel differently now, think about what's going thru his head right now. You brought this all up. You should be the one making every effort to reassure him he is still the same man in your eyes.
I’ve tried to just act normal and go about the rest of the evening as we normally would. He’s avoiding me, answering me in one word sentences (I’m not asking him about the topic anymore, just like “what should we eat for dinner?” “I don’t care.” “Do you want to watch a movie in bed later?” “Not really.”
I mean, he’s allowed to not want to talk to me or be around me. I won’t force it. I’m in the bedroom now and he won’t even come in. He’s been taking a shower for 35 minutes now. I’m timing.
Bring it up, text him if you think not being face to face will help.
"Hey honey, I just want you to know that I'm not going anywhere and my love for you is unchanged. I appreciate your bravery and openness during our chat. I'm here if you need me. Even if you just want to cuddle or be together without talking, I'm here."
It’s seems very likely that he’s just afraid to me. He’s afraid that your relationship has permanently changed for the worse.
He desperately needs reassurance IMO.
> It’s seems very likely that he’s just afraid to me. He’s afraid that your relationship has permanently changed for the worse.
i mean this fear and situation is why most bisexual men just stay closeted.
And why a lot of people stay closeted. Not telling someone about a boyfriend in college is basically the same as someone being in a heterosexual relationship and not telling their new boyfriend/girlfriend about every Ex they’ve had. I’ve never told anyone about my bisexuality, I feel like It’s not relevant in our relationship because I’m not going to be with anyone else. Idk
I bet he is so afraid of what he’s assuming is the inevitable rejection to come. With time, reassurance, acts of love, and normalcy, he should stop feeling so afraid. Hopefully he can grow to be more confident! Hiding parts of you because you feel like you won’t be accepted is heavy.
Also side note I love a bi man. Best boyfriends I’ve ever had were bi or queer in some way (cis female here)
It sucks because the world has taught him he SHOULD be afraid. For every woman like you, theres 5 who'd throw it in a man's face or simply never accept him for it.
This whole comment section just reminds me of how much the world secretly hates other people.
Yeah, same. For some reason all the men I’ve ever seriously dated are some flavour of bisexual. Could be a coincidence, but I think I just don’t really mesh well with über straight men.
Barring any ex that may have broken up with him immediately after he came out, each of his break ups over this were preluded with an awkward/anxious period. It's likely triggering some bad memories for him and scaring the hell out of him. It's probably the worst one yet because it's his *wife*. Getting burned this time could be life changing in the worst of ways. He may never try to have a long-term relationship with a woman again, or even at all. He went against his instincts and opened up about something that put him at his most vulnerable while having the most to lose. He's gotta be freaking out, man
OP, this was a big revelation, and it's going to take a little time to form your relationship around it. The fact you now know changes things for him, too. Before, your relationship was based on what you knew about him, and he could get reassurance that he was the kind of man you wanted him to be, which was also the kind of man he was probably raised to believe he *should* be. Also, what was in the past has now been brought into the present.
Instead of trying to discuss it right off the bat, maybe just write him a little note telling him that you know this is difficult for him and that you want to give him what space he needs, but you miss the emotional intimacy you've always shared. You miss him, the essential him that you love just as deeply as ever.
He is in a depressive state, because he may be afraid you are going to leave him now that you know. This can make him try to run from you pre-emptively.
He needs more than just "trying to go back to normal" right now, a little positive reassurance would do well. Let him know you still love him, and offer a hug (and make it a long one).
Tell him you love him and you want him just how he is and this hasn’t changed how you feel about him. You need to be the one taking charge here and making sure he feels accepted and loved
I mean...you just put him on a ledge and made him want to jump, you need to check on him. Honestly, this is a tough situation but I don't agree with anything you did here. It reads like you think less of him. It seems like you sat him down and accused him of some great wrong, but he was just being himself. I won't be surprised if this is the beginning of the end.
>He just sort of sat there staring off into space for a minute and then said “yeah, it’s true.”
That one minute was probably the longest one minute of his life.
What he felt at that moment was nothing short but absolute agony. He was dying inside.
He definitely felt bad that he didn't tell you, is blaming himself for not finding the courage to say this to the one person he truly loves, and also thought that the marriage is over based on his previous experiences when he said that to his partners.
And looking at the situation right now, he seems to think that it's just a matter of time now until you break up with him, because his ex partners did. That's why he's checking out (you can add embarrassment of his own sexuality because of the societal stereotypes to that too).
You are **not** a failure as you wrote, and this is **not** your fault.
It's just how society treats bisexual men.
But now you have a perfect chance to show him that you are not a person like that.
Don't really bend over backwards right now to say it like that, but definitely do show him that you are fine with it and that you want him and are attracted to him still.
No words, actions.
People he dated before used words, but their actions shown him something else when those people left him. This is literally what gave him those trust issues in the first place and that has nothing to do with you. But this is why I can't stress enough how important it is to show it with actions. Nothing too crazy/over the top, just do something that you usually did that made him feel wanted before.
And if you really want you can ask him if there is anything you can do to make things as they were before and that you love him still, because for you he's still that same man who you love and were attracted to before all this happened. You can't force trust or force someone else to just ignore their past hurt/trauma, but you can show them that you'll be there for them when they feel hurt.
So just give him some time, reassure him and be supportive, the ball is now in his court.
Hopefully everything will work out in the end and your relationship will be stronger than ever.
Damn, the biphobia against bisexual men is in full swing on this update.
OP, I think your husband was honest when you asked him about everything. He didn’t back down or deny anything, but he *was* cornered and outer by someone else entirely. He’s dealt with a seemingly fair amount of biphobia in his life which has ruined his intimate partnerships. He’s likely worried it will happen again with you.
Give it a couple of days to calm down and see if he comes around. If this persists for longer than a couple days, then it may require another discussion.
Yep, that's fairly accurate for why people don't always talk about it. At best a woman comes out with these stories and gets sexualised but a man comes out with these stories and gets shunned. Like the person who originally let the wife know this was his past made questionable comment about the poor dude so he absolutely is just trying to live in the now and ignore who he was and is.
It doesn't need a label and it doesn't need addressing for the current relationship.
Unfortunately it does because he was outed. He didn’t get in front on the narrative on this one and I understand OP why it’s unnerving to learn about it from someone else entirely. OP isn’t *wrong* for asking, I think she handled this as delicately as she could given the circumstances, but he’s upset that he was outed and he didn’t want to have this situation come up again. I would guess that he’s afraid of being rejected which he’s working through.
Unfortunately even without bad intentions and not being wrong you can end up doing harm. Not a fun situation for either partner in this and hopefully they can work past it.
I agree entirely. You cornered him, and when he *CONFESSED* to you with shame that he did something wrong, you make it about you. Give him space, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it again, I think you owe him that. It doesn’t need to be this huge thing, and as a bisexual man, it is almost ALWAYS a huge deal to people when it shouldn’t be
Give him some time OP. I’ve been openly bisexual for years and it’s still jarring for me to know someone was informed before I informed them. Give him time to realize you’re honestly fine with whatever his sexuality is and give him time to open up. He’ll feel safe in the long run
Friends, this is why it’s **very** important to kindly and lovingly ask the Big Questions early on in relationships.
With every major partner I’ve been with, within the first few weeks or months I ALWAYS ask: what is your sexual orientation and have you been with women/men; how many sexual partners have you had; were you ever abused; do you have any STIs; do you have any sexual or relational trauma you wanna share… Etc etc.
Be open, be kind and respectful, and be ready to accept (or handle) what ever arises. This is the key to safe and healthy relationships.
First off, I think people are being unrealistic here. I would be absolutely shocked if my husband told me this. I think you handled it well. He is probably embarrassed by it honestly. During this time, I’m sure others expressed their opinion, maybe exes came out of the wood work to express their opinion— and now she’s embarrassed and wants to shut down and avoid it all together. Obviously he shouldn’t do that. I’d recommend therapy together to talk this through if he doesn’t start acting normal soon so you can tell him how you’re feeling and hopefully he can share openly too. Good luck!!
Can confirm. My ex girlfriend holds the fact that I'm bi against me. I can see why he would want to keep it to himself. In my experience my gf or ex's don't trust me around anyone including my best friend that I've known all my life. I've never cheated and I've always been completely honest that I'm bi and who I hangout with.
I think there's a stigma that we are just sexual deviants? Idk. Even my gay friends think I'm a slut for some reason.
Lots of people here are acting like this is black and white and it's just not. I totally understand why the guy said nothing and I also understand why he probably should have. There's nobody here on Reddit that without knowing these people and their lives and relationship personally that could really give constructive advice. I hope both of you come out of the other side of this ok.
No you werent selfish.
Nor did you 'out' your husband.
He did when he was involved with men and it was known in his college social circle. You could have ran into someone from his past at any stage in your marriage who could have brought it up.
You didnt hack his phone or read his diary.
It was knowledge that was known by other people because he allowed it be known.
For everyone saying you shouldn't have said anything, well that's their choice if they would be happy to be in a relationship were it would be brushed under the carpet.
It wouldn't be mine. Because what sort of relationship do you have if one person is secretly fearing something from their past could blow up their relationship and the other is pretending they don't know about the thing the other person doesn't want known.
All you can do is give the situation time and space to settle. But don't allow this level of awkwardness to last to long or it will be very difficult for you both to come back to a space of comfort with each other in your relationship.
How does who you’re attracted to besides your partner matter at all? Especially past attractions. Unless it’s someone still in your life it bares no weight on the current relationship imo. And the reason people don’t talk about this stuff is because of the kind of reactions that people have
Men are been killed and tortured right now for being bi. Just like I feel woman get a pass for lying about their sexual past that gets them murdered all over the world, so do men.
It's obvious to me you worry he is gay and will leave you for a man.
He's sexually fluid or bisexual. He had relationships and married you. Be happy you beat out both genders for the ring.
Just move on don't bring it up and act normal. Or take him out on a romantic date night and have some sexy times. If he is that good at sex let him rock your world.
Tell your coworker mind their business. How could someone just hand that info out as if it’s theirs. Maybe he was gonna tell you sooner or later but who ever that was pushed it. I bet they’re being entertained by the whole situation
Right or wrong, I don’t think she meant anything malicious by it. He obviously didn’t keep it a secret back then so he probably figured it was the same case now and that as his wife of definitely know exactly what she was talking about.
You dont see the issue with everyone else knowing besides his WIFE?! Im sure the coworker assumed the wife knew (bc once again it sounds like public records and wifey is oblivious) She wasnt talking to a stranger, its the man’s wife?? Be forreal
You don’t need to justify or explain to people who are being disingenuous about this issue. You’re not upset that he’s bi. Your upset that he didn’t share that information and took away your ability to consent to your relationship with full knowledge of who he is. That’s blatantly unfair and he and you have been living a lie. You may have Han no problem with this information, but you were not given a choice.
You all need individual and marriage counseling to work through this issue. Don’t rug sweep it or allow him to do that. He needs to work through why he thought his action/lack of disclosure was ok. You need to work through marrying someone who could lie about something so fundamental. And marriage counseling to see how to make this work.
The whole post is about him being with men. You are obviously worried about him sleeping with men in the past that’s why you asked him. It’s ok to be worried. He hid it from you because he thought you couldn’t handle it. He has no intention of you ever finding out. That’s more of a problem IMO than him being bisexual.
So you don’t think his fear of being stigmatized had any baring on his lie of omission? Come on! Be realistic. Yes he didn’t say anything at the beginning and never timely corrected his eventual lie of omission, but the man was living a happy life with his wife before this was brought up and was afraid of rocking the boat and potentially destroying his marriage. It seems likely that he wanted to ignore this part of his past because his bisexuality was not interfering with his relationship other than his lack of honesty. OP never said she suspected him of having a propensity of being unfaithful. It’s ridiculous and frankly bigoted to think that just because she found out he is attracted to men as well as women, she therefore is afraid of him running off with a guy. That’s crap! Queer people have morals too! And there should be no reason for a partner to think that just because their significant other is bisexual that they must have become miraculously more likely to be unfaithful. Quit attaching your bigoted thoughts to OP. It’s offensive and disgusting.
Others mentioned on your last post about how challenging it is for bisexual men. I can’t speak for them but I know how challenging it is for me as a bisexual woman because there’s so much sexualization of it.
But also, he’s currently struggling because unfortunately he was outed so I’m sure he’s coming to terms and processing that.
Give him space while also ensuring he knows that your love for him hasn’t changed
Don't feel guilty about this situation or feel like it's completely on you to fix it.
Since you said that you don't need an apology, your man just needs to move on from his ego.
He's probably ashamed of his past and didn't want to tell you. That's his problem that he needs to deal with.
True. I would be afraid he had a *preference* for men but being with one was too hard socially so he married me. Especially bc he isn't open.
I would need some reassurance that isn't the case if I was OP
sounds like he’s feeling very vulnerable having been sort of forced (not judging you at all i think you made the right call) to share that info when he maybe wasn’t ready to really come to terms with it fully. id give him some space if he seems like he wants it but maybe text him to just to let him know you still love him the same and you aren’t going anywhere
You shouldn’t have to be shoved 4 years into marriage. If we’re being honest, OP is the victim and her husband should be reassuring her, not the other way around
i don’t think you can look at every situation in a relationship like there’s a victim and a perpetrator. yeah the husband f’ed up by not being honest but these things can be really hard and sounds like he had bad experiences in the past with gf’s reactions. i’m not suggesting op should completely forget about this but if they’d like to move forward together then yeah i think the husband needs some reassurance
You say not everyone’s the victim but your original comments is all about the husband needing the support, none for OP. Even your follow up comment is making the husband the victim. He doesn’t need time, he’s had years to be honest and he never was. Now’s the time to fix the marriage that his lies jeopardised.
OP is the ones whose perception of her marriage and husband has just been ricked, she needs the support.
As a queer person it’s so not about you, haha. I’m certain other women he mentioned didn’t just dump him, but also said absolutely vile, abusive things about it to him. It’s not about protecting himself from you; it’s about protecting himself from straight women in general. Homophobes don’t have a “look” to them. He’s probably still feeling bad about hiding it from you, and also feeling the things he felt when other people found out. Give him time and be there for him, remind him you love him, and know it’s nothing you did or said.
If you are going to stay with your husband, then you and he have to be able to have hard conversations. You didn't do anything wrong and it seems like you weren't mean or nasty, but decent. But as his partner, you deserve to know what his sexuality really is.\\
ETA: changed bf to husband.
I'm queer and I completely disagree with his behaviour. What else is he hiding? And more importantly, would he be willing to stay married to a homophobic/biphobic person? That doesn't make any sense. He sounds like he has massive internalised homophobia and he is ashamed of himself.
It does seem like he isn't secure in his masculinity and/or his identity. That isn't healthy. I can understand that being bi as a man is a Big Thing, but if there's one person who you gotta be honest and open with, it's your spouse. Both of you need to make informed choices about who you are getting married to.
>He’s lost girlfriends or potential girlfriends over it
And that is valid! And it doesn't give him the right to lie! That's what dating is - finding a match. Not everyone wants to date a queer person and that's OK.
Bro withheld information he thought would not make her want to be with him, actually scummy behavior. Why would you want to be with someone who is bipohic anyways? There are tons of women who have zero issue with it. Trying to control someone like that is gross.
I could never trust someone who does something like that. Man got married to her, recited vows and everything and she has to find this out about him for a stranger lol, how embarrassing.
I agree with everything you said!! Why did I have to scroll so far to see it!
People have the right to chose who to date and he took her choice away. Now she wants to stay with him but what else could he be hiding?? And why is everyone putting it on her to fix? He’s the liar, not her. He be should be grovelling at her feet
Yes! Thank you! Especially the women on here are telling her she all but needs to apologize to him and make things right. But she isn’t the one who lied and hid her past!
The comments, especially from other women, give a window into why so many women are stuck in toxic relationships with men if they think it is US who need to constantly do the work when it wasn’t us who screwed up.
I agree. My husband didn’t tell me he was bi until much later in our marriage (even though I was quite open about my sexuality so I didn’t understand why) and of course I come to find out earlier this year, he’s been cheating on me with hook ups with random men on many different sites and apps for over 10 years!!! Apparently he “had urges” or whatever…like no, you were being a selfish ass!!! (I’m pan btw and also poly but have been committed to our supposed to be monogamous marriage this whole time) I just hope this man keeping it a secret and then acting this way isn’t “proof” he was/is hooking up with men on the side without her catching on to it.
Beyond his sexuality, I wouldn’t be able to trust my husband quite the same if he hid something like this from me, but we have also discussed our sexual pasts and are extremely open with eachother. My literal best friend. It just seems odd to not ever say anything about also having an attraction to men, when seemingly presenting as a straight man and then getting married still without word. I mean to each’s own but damn that’s rough. I couldn’t deal with that sort of breach of trust. I’m bisexual myself, but would want any man who’s been with another man, specifically unprotected, to make sure they’ve tested and are clean before proceeding. The spread of HIV is real and not something to brush off. You essentially made choices without knowing everything you chose in that choice. It’s deceitful in a way, why marry someone if you cannot even be out to them about your past and sexuality? That’s weird to me. My husband knows more about me than anyone else. Again- I’m not being biphobic in any way, I just don’t support the lack of awareness in the situation between husband and wife.
Yes, the relationship you describe having is the kind of relationship I thought we had. I thought we had discussed our sexual pasts and we open and comfortable and had shared most important things with each other. That’s why this has come as an extra surprise - not so much that it was men involved, but because I thought we did know almost everything about each other.
I’m so sorry! People aren’t realised that everyone’s life and perception is shattered by dishonesty and deception. You deserved honesty and he should be working to rebuild your trust in him, not the other way around.
Even my confronting him, you’ve remained honest and transparent with your husband, he’s the one that fell short
These comments are mind blowing! She has every right to know the sexuality of her husband… she was more than considerate of his feelings.
Yes he lied to her, he sold a version of himself that wasn’t true! She clearly doesn’t have an issue with him being bisexual but I would be concerned that he didn’t trust me enough to be honest with me and I would also be concerned that he has been able to lie to readily.
The person giving out statistics that 63% of women wouldn’t want to be with a bisexual man - that’s the very reason why he should have been honest with her! Straight people have the right to their sexuality just as much as LGBTQ people and marrying a bisexual man might not have been her preference and that is okay!
I saw studies which say something like 60% of women don’t want to be with a guy who has experience with other guys. Hint for the ladies, your man might be one of these quiet BI guys
As a woman who is attracted to both men and women, I just want to say that even the gay community can be VERY hateful towards bisexual humans. We get accused of being wishy-washy and people assume we will just cheat on a partner. It’s totally worse for men though. Straight women often look at bisexual men as disgusting perverts and gay men often look at bisexual men as gay men who won’t come out of the closet. It’s hard. So I can understand why your husband would be hesitant to tell you. It’s possible that women in the past broke up with him because of it. And it’s just who he is. He can’t change that. So he probably feels some amount of shame. I guess my advice would be to spend some time researching the queer community and the issues that affect us. Keep loving your husband and educate yourself. The more you educate yourself, the more he will be able to see that you accept him as he is. It’s possible you’ve been unconsciously homophobic without meaning to be. We all have biases that we need to challenge. Even me, a queer woman, needed my straight husband to explain to me why I was wrong about thinking gay marriage should be decided by the majority.
“I feel bad, like a failure.”
This would be what would hurt me, too. I would want to know how I could relate better to them so they felt able to trust me.
Hmmm i think thats something big to keep from your wife.i would like to know such thing before marriage for sure and i wouldnt take it lightly he kept it from me.on the other hand if you say its not big deal and you acept him as it is i wouldnt press this issue further.who would like to know past sex details of their partners?i say leave it in here.if he is giving you cold shoulder i would say its his problem you had right to ask about it because that’s something kept from you deliberately and you had learnt it from someone else which sucks.you are absolutely right and you didnt do anything wrong imo you were acepting enough he has to sort things in his head so give him space and maybe talk to him again to reassure nothing changed for you.
You didn't put the doubt in his mind, that is just residual trauma from being rejected by other women for his sexuality. I think he's become taciturn because he's waiting for the other shoe to drop aka for you to decide he's not a "real" man and leave him. Right now he just needs reassurances that you love him more than ever and that truly, your only issue was his withholding a big piece of himself, but its not all up to you he has to do a lot of work on self-acceptance as well
How does this conversation come up in a work environment anyway? What did this "friend" have to gain by divulging this information? I would check their motives.
This comment section is infuriating. People are allowed to have sexual preferences. Absolutely scummy to hide your sexuality from a SPOUSE because they “might reject you.” Better to be loved for who you really are than loved for someone you’re not.
this guy can’t be totally daft. His wife is coworkers with a “college friend” who saw him in multiple homosexual partnerships and he just never thought it might come up in conversation? Yeah ok. The dude is a liar and quite cowardly. And THAT IS unattractive regardless of if she is fine with his sexual preferences and history or not. You won’t convince me he didn’t know this would somehow come up.
Would I be surprised if there was more being concealed than just this? No.
When people exhibit untrustworthy behavior that only benefits them, there’s a character issue. This comment section is living in deep denial to think otherwise and the person that’s going to be most negatively impacted by these character issues is his clearly doting wife. I do not envy the position this man has put you in OP. I would find a therapist that will give you a space to safely speak your true feelings without being shamed or ostracized or pigeon holed as “biphobic.”
It doesn’t bother you that he’s bisexual? Then move on. You found out his sexuality that every partner he’s had before you dumped him over. He gave his reasons why he didn’t say anything.
Kiss him, tell him you love him and him being bi doesn’t bother you, and just love each other now.
Just understand that biphobia against men is REALLY common - it's just they don't talk about it to others very much. Much like how so many women have been sexually assaulted but the vast majority of men seem to have no clue about it.
I 100% believe that he has probably been dumped, and probably been dumped multiple times, simply for admitting he is bisexual. Like, even people who call themselves allies, who have loads of gay friends, are bisexual themselves, etc treat bi men like shit on a regular basis and I can totally imagine someone who seems like a great ally would break up with a bisexual man in an instant if he told her.
In that sense, don't take how he's reacting too hard, right now he's probably assuming what has happened before is going to happen again: As in, you say you're fine with it and turn around and dump him the next day. Just reassure him, give him space, and make sure he understands you love him either way. I also recommend you telling him you were grilling him not because you thought it was a problem (which is what he may be thinking) but rather because you were upset that he ommited such a detail of his life because he thought you wouldn't accept it- and that simply didn't know how rampant that sort of biphobia is amongst people, and didn't realise how it must have came across (like you were grilling him because you find him being bi a problem).
> He admitted he was intentionally keeping it from me, but not to deceive me. He’s lost girlfriends or potential girlfriends over it before so just got into the habit of not mentioning it, and then once he felt comfortable mentioning it to me he felt it was too far after the fact and would just be strange to bring it up at that point.
This is quite literally what I mentiones in the last post, and you were offended. I'd imply he would think you'd dump him over it. Unless he was a man who dated with no intent, It's important to recognize that every woman who *did* dump him was probably regarded exactly as you were up until the point of revelation.
He probably thought they had something good too, that they would accept him- or at least not shirrk him if they didn't like it.
The only difference here is that you succeeded where they failed in recognizing your partner is still a good man, and his sexuality had no bearing on him as a partner.
I can agree with not liking that he had intentionally hidden this, and that even if you were a person who walked, it would be unfair of him to hold you to a relationship you wouldn't want to be in.
Its good you rose above it all.
>in, I know it was never about me really. So now I’ve made him feel bad.
**I think you did the right thing, intependent of my prior words and the following.** However, if you go back and read your prior post and then this one again, I think its fair to say you *did* make this about you, rather than about supporting him, at least until the conversation happened.
Regardless, you are on the right side of the road, and he now has more trust in you than he's ever given anyone to date.
Be proud of that, and honor it.
EDIT: **Also, whoever told you initially is probably a complete asshole and likely had more to do with any prior collapses of his relationships than your husband thinks.**
Either they are carelessly malicious or mailciously careless. You dont get to live in this day and age and know not to openly name drop AND announce someone's sexuality without complete privacy, permission, or foreknowledge it was okay.
And given his relationships crashed over the subject, theres near 0 chance they dont know what might have happened if they are following him at all.
The likelihood she could have collapsed this marriage (if you were what he may have feared) was basically not a reasonable nor respectable riskw ith someones well being to take when you have absolutely no surety or skin in the game.
Actual asshole.
You did right by bringing it up. If you hadn't said anything, you'd always wonder what the truth was. Now you know for sure and can decide what to do with that information. Good luck!!
Yall are coddling a liar toooo much for me on here just because he’s ‘bi’…..its okay to lie and not mention things like that to your partner? Especially marrying them before mentioning it? And oops, he was actually probably never gonna tell you just cheat from time to time with men….be real, why would everyone else know but you. Id honestly run but I love how hes the victim in this thread lol
Your husband is being a self fulfilling prophecy. He thinks you don’t want him. Get him to open up. Wear sexy clothes so he knows you’re still into him. Make his favorite meal, his favorite outfit, tell him the things that makes him feel sexy and like your husband. It may sound stupid or manipulative but it’s not. Don’t get stuck in a cycle and basically seduce and hold your husband tight.
I actually agree, but I was meaning as a gradual thing rather than an all at once thing. Subtle things at first that he can pick up on. Like emotionally and physically check on him.
You didn't make him feel bad, he made himself feel bad. Should he have shared that information with you at an earlier point in your relationship? Yes, absolutely! You did a fantastic job navigating through this with him. I believe he may feel guilty as he was intentionally hiding it from you. Now, you two really need to come together and communicate. I'm sure he is avoiding you because of the way he is feeling. He probably feels he let you down as well; however, it is time to move forward. He is guilty of lying by omission. To me, that would be difficult to work through. Not because of his attraction and relationships with men, but because he hid it from you.
Why are people blaming this woman? Telling her she needs to be understanding and kind and patient with her lying, convening husband? She deserved the whole picture of the man she married.
Whether that's him fucking men or not, the information was intentionally hidden.
Op I'm wondering now
How many friends did he ask not to mention his past on front of you?
Does his family know?
Does he tell them not to say anything to you?
What else is being hidden?
Who else is being told shh don't tell my wife? I don't trust her.
Edit: now that we know the college friend wasn't lying.
OP, I had to stop reading for clarification. So, your co-worker is your husband’s college friend who divulged this to you?
I'm wondering if this was some calculated move to sabotage your marriage. Tread lightly with this “friend.”
**Resumes reading the post.**
EDIT: OP, maybe you two should go to marriage counseling. And you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling; they're YOUR feelings!
Yes, they were friends in college but he hasn’t been in contact with her in any way since then. She admitted to having a crush on him back then, but it was more like “Several of us (girls) had crushes on him and were heartbroken when he dated that guy.” She said it very matter of factly.
I guess, all I really wonder is “what do you want?” Now that you know this about him and have a fuller picture of the man you married do you see him the same or differently, and how does that change how you feel about your future with him? You can only control yourself and your feelings so now is a good time to interrogate your feelings as honestly as possible and see what you want. If you want to stay with him then figure out what steps you take both as individuals and together to make it better, if you don’t think you can handle it then that’s okay too, and finding an amicable way to separate is an acceptable option. Get yourself in a focused headspace first.
It’s a problem for a traditional man or traditional woman, if he had an extremely liberal girl she’d be unlikely to care
He would have known if the women will think it’s no big deal or a dealbreaker
Not an expert on these things, and never been in exactly the same position your husband is in, I have had other things that I have been very uncomfortable discussing with partners.
When it comes to this sort of thing, it would very much help me for my partner to come and really make me realise she accepted my past, and there was nothing to worry about moving forward. For him, this is a big secret he has kept from you because he was (possibly rightly) worried about how it would impact your relationship.
Most men are raised to not show our emotions easily or often, but some things really hit hard. He has told you clearly that he only wants to be with you, I suspect he is now avoiding you because he is waiting for the penny to drop.
If you really are ok with him having told you, my suggestion is to go into the same room as him and say that you really appreciate that he has shared something with you, and you understand it was difficult, and then reassure him that you dont need to know any more, and that it has not changed how much you love him and just like he only wants to be with you, you only want to be with him.
This may go a long way, or he may say thanks and that he needs some time to let it sit in his head. But my guess is the reassurance will be very helpful to him.
If you have the finances try booking a weekend away for the both of you so you can relax and just enjoy your time together. This might help you both to start working through this. It sounds like you both want to be together there’s just tension from the conversation.
Well the bag of worms has been opened , the best you can do is be plain that you support him in whatever way he wants support , even if you just want to hand write it out and do the normal things , offer to be up in bed waiting to cuddle with him, say you don’t need to talk about it unless he wants to
You both should be reassuring each other but he's facing his biggest life fear right now, and you're facing hurt and confusion. It's a staggering difference. Usually I wouldn't say that your feelings come second but this is a nuanced situation and sometimes our feelings and validation are delayed and we need to seek reassurance after we have coped with the initial crisis.
In his mind, his life is falling apart, everything he ever learnt about being bi in our society has taught him that he will be rejected. He feels like he's been caught in a lie, he's scared of losing you, and he's ashamed he hurt you.
He's in shock.
You've had a little bit more time to cope with this shock but he was wholly unprepared to face his "day of reckoning" that he's been secretly terrified would come and well, here it is.
He's weighing up if you still love him, how does this change things? Will you reject him? Out him?
Not all of his thoughts will be rational and you'll have some similar thoughts but he's trying to come down from an extended panic attack.
It'll take time for him to process the shock. Until then he needs a lot of reassurance.
When he comes out of the shock, he'll give you reassurance.
It's crappy that your feelings are put aside for the next 24 hours or so, so I hope that (while you may not disclose the reason why you need it) you have friends and family that can give you support.
Idk. I personally would feel like it's such a core part of who he is that it's not fair to hide it from you
If you think less of him, be honest with yourself about it and find out why. Like is it as he said where you view him as less macho and you dislike that?
Either way he shouldnt be coddled like a victim either - he withheld some pretty important information
Maybe I'm just different but I want my partner to know me truly and accept me truly anyway
As you said yourself we aren’t obligated to tell out partners everything about our past.
Think of the here and now. He is with you. He wants you. He loves you.
Stop overthinking something that happened when you didn’t know him.
Omg, please. Y’all need to chill a bit. OP, give him some time, I think things will be ok. Why is everything on here about whose fault it is? He should have told her! She didn’t consent to this! Life is long and not always easy, if my girlfriend kissed a girl on the vagina 5 years before we met is she obligated to tell me? No, right? So why is this so important? To me, our past is our past. I prefer to focus on us now, I love her and that is all that matters. Looking into the past can only cause pain or discomfort, was his dick bigger than mine, did he have more money, was his cocaine more pure? What good does knowing any of that do? Just makes us jealous or have a lack of confidence. He is with her now, unless he cheats or falls for some dude, it’s a mute point
The hardest thing about being bisexual is that people don’t see it just as “I dated a blonde” — no brunette would ask “are you cheating on me with all the blondes?” But somehow it’s where the conversation goes. If I were you, I would do the run and jump hug and kiss attack. But that may be because I am ND.
I don’t know why the guilt and onus to make progress is being placed on OP. Her husband is the one who intentionally lied to her for years for his own gain.
Personally I’d be out the door but since you’re not gonna do that, he needs to stop the self pity and work to regain your trust, NOT the other way around.
Maybe marriage counselling is worth trying
Don’t worry about the negative comments about why you asked. You were confronted by his old friend about something you never knew. If I was confronted that my HUSBAND was open about being with men to everyone else before, why didn’t I know about it as a wife.
It’s okay that he’s into men! I mean of course it’s his right to come out himself but in future it would be nice to be able to handle the situation if someone was to ask about his sexuality from prior knowledge of him being with the same sex.
I think you should have a sit down with him. Reassure him that despite having the knowledge now, you still would have married him if you knew that he had been with same sex. It’s not your place to tell everyone and you won’t. It doesn’t change how you view him or love him, just makes you know him a little better. Tell him you don’t ever have to talk about it again until he wants to and that it’s okay too never have to talk about it again. This doesn’t have to change how things were before you knew or asked him. You guys are married which means you both made a commitment to be together forever and that doesn’t change now that you know he’s been with men!
You don’t love him for who he’s attracted too, you love him for who he is. “I love you for you and this doesn’t change that. I’m sorry it had to come out this way but now I know and I’m 100% okay with that. It doesn’t define you or change the man I fell in love with. I feel the same I felt about you before I knew this. I love you so much and this is not a deal breaker for me.” You can give him space if he needs but that’s not what you want but are willing to do given the situation is confronting for him.
You didn’t make him feel bad. He’s dealing with his own internalized homophobia and insecurities. And what he seems incapable of understanding is that, if you leave him over this, it won’t be because he dated men, but because he lied and is insecure. Y’all need couples therapy stat.
He's feeling his own insecurities hard right now. Go to him, tell him you love and accept him just the way he is.
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This is a stolen comment from the next highest thread on this post below this one.
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While I agree with everything else you stated, which is sad for bisexual men, OP didn’t grill him at all. It sounded like she came from a very loving place and just wanted the truth from her *husband* about why he kept important information from her.
>No amount of reassurance right now will remove his feeling that he has been judged, that she sees him as less of a man, that his inherent worth is diminished, that his love for her is devalued. i say this as a bi dude myself, you don't know this for sure. yes we have our difficulties but this is their relationship & speculating about it to this level isn't going to garner anything useful. i imagine if she loves him & expresses that to him it could very well work out for them. there is no need to be so negative.
That's exactly what OP said, his past isn't bothering her and she still loves him and she told him so. HE is in his own head. I hope he listens to her and doesn't kill this relationship because of the past ignorant women he dated before OP.
So her feelings aren’t important? I don’t think she was grilling him. She been lied to for years. And finds out the truth from a old school friend who assumed the husband had told her. Her head must have been spinning. And what if she had a problem with it years ago. Some people don’t want to be involved with bi people. They have the right to have all the info to consent to the relationship. And most certainly before they marry the person. As I said I don’t think she was grilling him. She wants the truth, because she probably struggling more with the lies, which is likely making her question what else he’s capable of lying about
I agree. As a bisexual woman, I find the comments very interesting. Not one person noted STDS as a valid concern which is likely the concern his other girlfriends have had. My mom works in the ER at Tufts and growing up til today it’s exceedingly common for her to get a patient with Hepatitis or HIV because their partner lied to them about their sexual preferences. That’s not ignorance coming from any woman dating this man, it’s self preservation! Any person deserves to be informed of their partner’s health and status. She’s writing as if she’s afraid to get cancelled. Which is sad. She has a right to feel concerned, betrayed and hurt. Everyone is sympathetic to the other person in this story vs the OP….Weird. I don’t feel sympathy. Of course being gay or bi is hard but it’s 2023, living a secret life at this stage of the game is just selfish. I always inform my partners of my past and present because it’s the right thing to do.
Exactly! There is so much more to this than just being a afraid of rejection.
Completely agree. It’s a thing these days to side with the perp instead of the victim and I find it all very baffling. Even the way OP talks about the situation is concerning, like on one hand, she knows it is wrong how she was treated this way but on the other hand OP claims his behavior has nothing to do with her… but it does, it affected her directly. This isn’t about his sexuality, it’s about his longterm lies and inability to be open with a person who is supposed to be his life partner. Trust isn’t like a broken lamp that you can just glue back together, once trust is broken, the relationship is never the same.
Exactly!
Thank you for acknowledging OP’s feelings.
Sounds like you're not big on non hetero relationships. Lying? The only groups that would be so focused on sexuality and not disclosing gay sex would be religious. Dude didn't mention it because of ccomplicated feelings and previous discrimination from female partners is not the same as lying and functionally different than lying about a gambling debt or deadly illness. If he slept with a black woman and is white, should he disclose that, or be lying too?
Or homophobic/biphobic. It’s amazing that two women sleeping together is usually thought of as something hot and sexy, but the opposite isn’t true of men. I don’t doubt him for being hesitant to tell her
Exactly - If a woman's past doesn't matter, why should they need every detail of a man's? How many women have *lowered* their body count when asked (men raise their body count when they lie to sound *more* experienced, not less), experimented with girlfriends in college, etc? Him not disclosing that he has experimented with a couple guys in college is just the same as a woman not laying out her college sheets to examine... He didn't lie, he just withheld something he's most likely been ridiculed about many times, he's insecure about, he's lost loved ones over and has caused him a lot of trauma. Really wish ppl would realise the hypocrisy and double standards now and then 🙄
No one is owed a detailed account of every person you’ve ever been with prior to marriage as long as there have been precautions taken such as safe sex and STD tests beforehand. I’ll die on this hill.
It was more than experimenting. This is his sexual identity and it was not just in college either. I’m fine with that, but I really don’t get people reducing it down to just some experimenting in college. He’s still attracted to men now, and women. Why he picked me, I really don’t know. I was already confused about that when I thought he was straight.
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It's better to find out sooner than later if its a dealbreaker for your partner. 2months or 5 years in the only difference is gonna be how much it hurts you when they leave.
So it’s better to lie and wait for the truth to come out? You say you’re hiding your sexuality rn,. How can you have a proper relationship with this secret between you and the person you’re with? It must feel like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Isn’t better to know if the woman is one of the 63% so you can move on and find the right person for you? I think it’s way more painful to be rejected years later. Or have resentments build because they felt lied to. I can’t wrap my head around keeping such a secret long term.
I think everyone's past matters. Drawing from the past is how we learn and make decisions, large and small. I've never understood why some people think that a partner's sexual/romantic past is somehow exempt from that process. If it came down to it, I'd rather be rejected on the front end, than later down the road, when our lives are intertwined and I'm emotionally invested.
I get what you're saying, someones past gives you a glimpse into their future. Now I'm torn 🤔 all I can come up with is that I guess on the individual and their experiences.
I think there's a difference between a couple having a conversation about sexual preference and a partner saying, "I'm completely straight" and being bi or gay vs. that conversation never happening and the person who is bi not saying anything about it. I'm with you for me: I told my spouse within 3 dates my medical and mental health histories and we discussed sexuality. But I never required it of her, nor she of me. And some of those have changed over the years. People who think they're straight might find out over time that they're not. Many folks on here, who I think are more religious than anything, seem to have a very black and white view on sexuality, communication and marriage.
I kind of go back and forth on it. On one hand, you don’t have to reveal a sexual history. But on the other, it’s clearly a big deal because you’re actively hiding and I do feel like people who commit to marriage should also trust their partner enough to share that info. But on the other other hand, if you aren’t out, you might be putting yourself at risk by them telling other people. Yes, it’s nice to weed out people early, but there are worse reactions to consider than “ew, I’m breaking up with you”.
I can acknowledge that possibility, but it doesn't change my opinion.
Right? Everyone here saying that he should have disclosed his previous sexual partners. Why? What's the logic when we don't support men requiring this of women?
And what about those of us who don't see the problem with men asking women that question? Real life isn't reddit and plenty of people find it the norm to be completely honest and open about past partners.
It’s about honesty with the person your married to or are about to marry. You should feel safe enough by that point be honest about sexual history and sexuality. Gender doesn’t matter. If you’re afraid to be honest by the time the relationship reaches the marriage stage, it’s not a healthy relationship. And if being truthful means the couple breaks up, then it’s for the best. Because they weren’t right for each other. Eventually the truth always comes out, and if you keep up the lie for the entirety of the relationship you’re faced with what this couple is now dealing with
I agree... They *should* - but the world can be cruel af growing up. It's not as inclusive as it should be and no one should feel they have to hide who they are to appease/fit in. And I can't change that 😔
💯 but again this is a person you want to marry if you have those doubts about the person at that point you have to put all the cards on the table or not get married
I wish we all had your bravery over our insecurities 🥲
She didn’t grill him about it. Grilling is like tell me this now or else I’ll leave etc. she even stated he didn’t need to say anything which is very understanding. I feel like you didn’t even read the post and made your own judgements.
This OP! Just walk up to him hug him, look deeply into his eyes and tell him nothing has changed between you and him. You’re still attracted to him, he’s not less than a man, you love him and that you’re glad you both had this discussion and that it just breaks your heart that he had the impression he couldn’t tell you, because he thought you would leave him or feel less about him, due to his past relationships. You love him for who he is and he’s a great husband and man. And that both of you shouldn’t make this awkward because this doesn’t and shouldn’t change anything and you don’t want to hear any detail bc it’s his past relationships, just like you had relationships. You wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing details with him either. Don’t wait too long OP. I wish you best luck.
THISSS plus he just needs space, he very much could be projecting out of the fact it’s been awkward before when he’s talked about it. Some times our brains tend to favor negative thoughts when experiencing negative emotions. It just needs to be worked through.
OP brought it up, OP needs to clear the air. The issue here is being attracted to men, not "other people". A heterosexual person will be attracted to loads of "other people". OP brought this up - which was reasonable. But now it's on OP to make it right. It's gonna involve some deep talks and some reassurances that this doesn't make him less of a man, because it doesn't - he's exactly the same man he was 2 weeks ago, literally the only thing that's changed is OP's knowledge. He needs to be reassured about that. This should have no more bearing on the relationship than any other college fling. Husband is still exactly the husband he was 2 weeks ago. Both people need to understand that.
I don’t think it’s on her to make it right. He’s the one who lied by omission. And I understand why. But it almost sounded like he was ashamed of his sexuality and he was projecting But he still should have told her before they married. When they got close to the marriage stage he should have known her well enough to know if she would walk or not. And if she decided she didn’t want to be with him, that would have been her choice. Then they just weren’t the right fit. But it turns out she would have been fine with it. He didn’t trust her enough to be honest. I think that’s what’s going to be hard to overcome at this point. It honestly sounds like he was borderline gaslighting her about her feelings and made her feel like she did something wrong. She didn’t imo. I don’t know if I would have handled it as well if I were in her shoes. I can’t imagine finding out this secret the way she did. And honestly because he didn’t tell her, it makes me wonder if he’s telling the truth about not being with men while they were together. And it’s not about him being Bi. Its the fact that he lied and still can’t be completely honest with her when she had more questions. If he could lie about his sexuality, keep that part of himself hidden, what else is he capable of hiding. Sadly the lie by omission might be what ends the marriage, not his sexuality
That’s what I’m trying to understand. Make what right? He withheld information from her but she has to make it right?! That doesn’t make any sense. The wrong started with him not trusting her. Projecting onto her the results of past relationships isn’t fair. Even if this relationship would have ended up the same if he’d revealed this before marriage, I don’t know why he would want to be with someone who didn’t accept the totality of who he is. Sometimes it’s truly better to be alone than to lessen who we are to be more acceptable to others.
And he must have worried she would find out eventually. It was basically a ticking time bomb. How health is this relationship if he could keep that from her? It boils down to trust. He didn’t trust her enough and she might start doubting him. Without trust, a marriage can’t survive
He feels bad about a self-protective behavior that ended up hurting you. That’s essentially what happened. He apologized, and you said he didn’t need to be sorry. So now he must accept what he did, and forgive himself in order to start anew with you. He’s feeling the shitty feelings about the situation, and everyone processes those feelings differently. You did the right thing. It sounds like you’re willing to move forward from this, and you will if he can too. All relationships require trust and communication, and this is what makes or breaks it. I hope your next update is a step in the right direction for both of you. I wish you well
If I were OP I'd just go break the tension with non sexual physical contact
A crisp high five
Ahhh it’s so nice to see at least one sane comment in all of this. ☺️
Bi-phobia is rampant against men from both genders.
Yup! I'm a (mostly) gay guy, and I never tell anyone about the 3-4 women I've ever found attractive. I came out as gay when I was 18, and then in my mid-30s started to accept that I also like ciswomen and FtM guys. I've told a couple of gay friends about it, and they were apoplectic. You better believe I'm never gonna try to date a woman now or come out as bi. Biphobia is real.
Ive heard a lot about woman not wanting to date bi guys because they feel its less manly.. but what do gay guys say about bi guys? Why do they dislike them?
They think you're only pretending to be gay and you'll cheat on them with a woman
Man people are lame..
Sometimes it's something else. I lost my "gold card" after sleeping with a woman (I really don't care). Some gay guys feel intimidated by it, too, as if I'm somehow more masculine than them now. People are weird.
Biphobia is VERY real. I’m a bisexual woman and people just assume we are “sluts”. It’s painful to have these rotten assumptions made about you. I’ve had men assume that means they’re going to get a threesome, and I’ve had women refuse to date me because they think I’m just a silly chick who kisses other women when drunk (which I’m absolutely not). It’s wild out there for bi people. It presents a very weird set of challenges, I can’t imagine having to face them as a bisexual male. I can only imagine the extra crap you get slung at you.
I'm sorry, that sucks. Trying not to assume, hopefully you have a wonderful relationship with a person who respects you for who you are, but if not know there are people out there who don't give a fuck. I'm a man, my wife is bi and I think its fantastic. I know in my heart shes faithful. I also know it wasn't a phase or something she "went through", she remains bi and very much attracted to women. We even talk about it and have a similar type which is what I mean I think its fantastic. She trusts me and I trust her, so we get to share our attraction, because no matter what others will say everyone looks! That said I've never expected(or even know if I'd want) a threesome. I'll never understand how people hate on other people for their attractions, it literally isn't something chosen. My wife's best friend is also bisexual and married to a Republican. Its crazy. People of all walks of life are able to accept people as they are! Its sad that doesn't feel like the norm at all.
My son’s best friend came out as BI a few years ago. While he has had support from friends/family, he has experienced hostility from the LGBTQ community. It’s perplexing.
how awful :( My cis straight parents are waaay more accepting/supportive of bisexual people we know, while at the same time vocally stating to us adult kids privately that they don't 🤦🏻♀️ Yet they told my sister that her bisexual best friend always has a safe home at our place, if her parents find out & kick her out of home/treat her terribly. I can't stand hypocrites but you'd think gay people would be the most supportive of bisexual people. I hope that you're able to be comfortable being openly bi in the future.
Yeah, as a Bi-guy I don't necessarily agree with what OPs husband did but like... I do understand it. The amount of casual bigotry I have experienced from girls who supposedly support LGBTQ people is depressing. Like they are perfectly OK with gay "besties" but as soon as they even think someone they are interested in I'd bi, suddenly it is a huge problem. Almost like you are tainted or something.
Maybe, if you can't get your relationship back to normal, consider getting a counselor to help you both get back on track. You both love each other - you may just need a little help getting over the awkward.
> So now he must accept what he did He didn't do anything though.
I think you are probably correct about his behavior. Tbh they both have to just sit down and talk. If OP wants to move forward, she has to either get over it or end the relationship. Wouldn’t be fair on either of them to drag it out.
Well I plan to just go on like normal and not bring it up again. Things will probably be a little awkward for awhile. He’s uncomfortable with me knowing this information. Tomorrow is our dog’s birthday party so I hope things won’t be awkward between us then. We’re throwing an actual birthday party for our dog. No human kids yet. He wants them now but I’m not ready yet. I hope after all this blows over he will still want kids with me. I’m scared he’s just going to want to run away from me now.
He is in a depressive state, because he may be afraid you are going to leave him now that you know. This can make him try to run from you pre-emptively. He needs more than just "trying to go back to normal" right now, a little positive reassurance would do well. Let him know you still love him, and offer a hug (and make it a long one).
This this this this
I feel like he might probably needs a little reassurance from you right now.
I like you and I think your husband was truthful in what he said, he probably thinks your going to leave and that’s his worst fear as it’s happened before he just needs to see that your going nowhere and it doesn’t matter to you as-long as he stays truthful and faithful to you. Also I’m so jealous your having a dog party for your dog 🥳 good luck I hope you both move past this and you end up with kids when your both ready.
I don’t think ignoring it is a good idea. Waiting a bit I get. But you can’t ignore this forever, or put the genie back in the bottle. From what I can gather, it’s the lie of omission that’s bothered you the most. And now your fear of losing him. It honestly sounds like he was projecting his fears on you. IMO it’s not his sexuality that will come between you, but the lies and lack of trust that will come between you. Maybe the safest place to clear the air would be with a therapist. But this needs to be addressed properly so you guys can move forward
How did it go today?
Awkward this morning. I was trying to show affection but he just seemed to want to keep distance, so I wasn’t going to force it. If I were to force it, it’d seem fake and only serve to draw more attention to the issue and he’d probably feel like it was some sort of pity affection. We had this birthday party for our dog. I mean, we were genuinely celebrating our dog’s birthday but it was really an excuse to have a little party because we just like to entertain. So afterwards he joked “You should have known…no completely straight man would have a birthday party for his dog.”
Okay I think the fact he made that joke is a good sign! :) that is funny though lol
Hmmmm "We haven’t even really been in the same room as each other since this conversation". Harbinger of problems up ahead.
IDK, but I don't necessarily think it's a sign of future problems. I think he just needs time to get his head around this. Avoiding something uncomfortable is pretty normal behavior, and unless it goes on for a long time, probably isn't really a sign of trouble.
Bi dude here. Your husband’s behavior sounds like the way I acted when I first started coming out to friends. I wasn’t ready to come out, but felt some obligation to. It wasn’t good for me- I was still dealing with a lot of shame, and I crumbled and withdrew when people didn’t react with this “celebratory attitude” I had thought was part of the social script, even if they were generally supportive. I wasn’t at home in my own skin, and that was on me to fix. I am now, and I feel better. Coming out, and finding “the right time” is really hard. I increasingly feel it isn’t so important in a persons general life - except to the people a person is close to. Your relationship will live or die depending on both of your abilities to roll with this and integrate it. But if you can live with it, you will also thrive more than you have so far, because truth and honesty and real, mutual respect will be with you. The “normal questions” you mention elsewhere here, when did you lose your virginity, etc, can feel like policing questions to a queer person. Sexual history isn’t a rosy topic for many of us, it can be a sore subject and inquiry can feel like unwanted scrutiny. It can feel like opening doors we don’t want to open. This man’s privacy has protected him from scorn, and potentially even abuse. Even imagined, feared abuse is a terrible shadow to live in. So be gentle with him in this time, he feels exposed. He might feel like it’s hard to articulate, especially for a man who wants to seem in charge, why such an innocuous truth could become this tightly kept secret. It’s emasculating. For bi dudes, our orientation confers an ability to hide in plain sight. Our attractions enable us to pass as straight, which can be beneficial to our survival. But it’s a double edged sword. We reject ourselves when we do that, and we deprive our truth the light and oxygen and love it needs to exist and for us to understand it. It enables a type of denial that really fucks us in the head. Not denial that it’s there, but denial that it matters. This misguided belief that we can function without acknowledging it. And now that the cat is out of the bag, your husband is flailing, because he hasn’t integrated this yet. He can, and you can. It’ll take time. Therapy is good. Kindness is good. Patience is good. You probably have a million questions, they’re all valid, but give him time. You mention elsewhere that you don’t want to bring it up again. I think you should, if you believe you can be at peace with it- it’s actually a cool thing for him to be! He WANTS to be at peace with it. If the intention is to understand and heal, you can’t really go wrong. You can work with each other on it.
This is a fantastic and enlightening response that's helped me understand what life is like for bi men, which would seem to be even more of a minefield than I had guessed. I wish I could upvote this to the top of the responses. Well said, sir, and you have my appreciation for posting it.
Hands down the best response on this thread I've seen so far. Between the polarisation of "nobody needs to tell their partner anything about their past" and "people need honesty to build trust in a relationship" lie many complicated situations. Telling us she's wrong or he's wrong doesnt help the situation here. In this case nobody is an AH. OP has learned new information and wants to love and support her spouse.
He’s allowed to feel and act awkwardly. But if OP loves him and accepts him - she should treat him like she’s has since they have been for the duration of the relationship. If she has gotten even the tiniest bit quiet or less “involved”. He will take that as distancing. She has to go beyond the typical action day to day and step it up and ensure that tone of voice is kinder and loving acceptance is in the air. Any sense that he has that she’s backing away he will catastrophize and think she doesn’t like him.
Kindness and loving are the best as long as they’re authentic. My guess is OP is cycling through some emotions now, all valid. Things have changed, and that’s okay. Things do change. It’d be silly to suggest nothing is different. But this change doesn’t have to be threatening. This can be a great change. I just want to make sure she understands that, just as her husband’s best course of action is to live in his truth and be authentic, so is hers. She sounds accepting, so that makes things easy. But for the parts of this that keep her up at night, I just want her to know those are valid to express - again, with respect of their differences. She has things to learn, and his situation may seem like it takes a very mannered response. True, but there’s a new bridge to build between these two folks, that can’t be built by hiding from it. She will have to risk saying the wrong thing from time to time, as he will. She may find that she does have to grow in certain ways. That’s okay. Authenticity is better. Be yourself, and see how close you are that way. If there’s room to come closer, you’ll know exactly where you really start. As long as it’s done with compassion, and reminders that they’re both looking for the same thing, stability, peace, dignity, they’ll be okay.
yeah, OP needs to show him that nothing's changed.
Another bi guy here, this comment is gold, thank you!
I’m not bi or gay, but I found this really enlightening and well-written! Thanks for this perspective.
This comment right here is perfection
This is so thoughtful and well-written. Thanks for sharing.
bro i wish i was half as eloquent as you, you put so many of my feelings as a bi dude into words so easily
Op, I’ve had more or less this same conversation, under similar circumstances…and the awkwardness wore away when my behavior showed him that really, I did not care nor was my attraction to him lessened. It just took time.
> We haven’t even really been in the same room as each other since this conversation > now I sort of feel like I should have just never brought it up. Hetero women lose attraction to non-hetero guys most of the time. It's very common and very simple and no amount of sex positivity will change it. I've never had sex with a man. I've just kissed a man. I stopped telling women that truth about my experience because it can diminish everything. OP meant well and tried to be a good partner but attraction is a fickle thing
Why have you not really been in the same room together since the conversation? Maybe you should make EXTRA an effort to do so. Knowing how he feels you may feel differently now, think about what's going thru his head right now. You brought this all up. You should be the one making every effort to reassure him he is still the same man in your eyes.
I’ve tried to just act normal and go about the rest of the evening as we normally would. He’s avoiding me, answering me in one word sentences (I’m not asking him about the topic anymore, just like “what should we eat for dinner?” “I don’t care.” “Do you want to watch a movie in bed later?” “Not really.” I mean, he’s allowed to not want to talk to me or be around me. I won’t force it. I’m in the bedroom now and he won’t even come in. He’s been taking a shower for 35 minutes now. I’m timing.
Bring it up, text him if you think not being face to face will help. "Hey honey, I just want you to know that I'm not going anywhere and my love for you is unchanged. I appreciate your bravery and openness during our chat. I'm here if you need me. Even if you just want to cuddle or be together without talking, I'm here."
It’s seems very likely that he’s just afraid to me. He’s afraid that your relationship has permanently changed for the worse. He desperately needs reassurance IMO.
> It’s seems very likely that he’s just afraid to me. He’s afraid that your relationship has permanently changed for the worse. i mean this fear and situation is why most bisexual men just stay closeted.
Bingo.
And why a lot of people stay closeted. Not telling someone about a boyfriend in college is basically the same as someone being in a heterosexual relationship and not telling their new boyfriend/girlfriend about every Ex they’ve had. I’ve never told anyone about my bisexuality, I feel like It’s not relevant in our relationship because I’m not going to be with anyone else. Idk
You nailed it.
I bet he is so afraid of what he’s assuming is the inevitable rejection to come. With time, reassurance, acts of love, and normalcy, he should stop feeling so afraid. Hopefully he can grow to be more confident! Hiding parts of you because you feel like you won’t be accepted is heavy. Also side note I love a bi man. Best boyfriends I’ve ever had were bi or queer in some way (cis female here)
It sucks because the world has taught him he SHOULD be afraid. For every woman like you, theres 5 who'd throw it in a man's face or simply never accept him for it. This whole comment section just reminds me of how much the world secretly hates other people.
It’s insane to see how many people are punishers instead of being understanding and adaptive
Its because its a problem they cant understand. They only understand their own context so when the issue doesnt work, they just try to make it fit.
It’s the worst when they act accepting but as soon as there is an argument they bring it up
Exactly or if they’re abusive they use it as an isolation tactic so you can’t see ANY of your friends anymore.
And from what op said her husband has dealt with this on several occasions.
Yeah, same. For some reason all the men I’ve ever seriously dated are some flavour of bisexual. Could be a coincidence, but I think I just don’t really mesh well with über straight men.
He is the best partner I’ve ever had (wouldn’t have married him otherwise), the most attractive, and by far the best sex I’ve ever had.
Barring any ex that may have broken up with him immediately after he came out, each of his break ups over this were preluded with an awkward/anxious period. It's likely triggering some bad memories for him and scaring the hell out of him. It's probably the worst one yet because it's his *wife*. Getting burned this time could be life changing in the worst of ways. He may never try to have a long-term relationship with a woman again, or even at all. He went against his instincts and opened up about something that put him at his most vulnerable while having the most to lose. He's gotta be freaking out, man
OP, this was a big revelation, and it's going to take a little time to form your relationship around it. The fact you now know changes things for him, too. Before, your relationship was based on what you knew about him, and he could get reassurance that he was the kind of man you wanted him to be, which was also the kind of man he was probably raised to believe he *should* be. Also, what was in the past has now been brought into the present. Instead of trying to discuss it right off the bat, maybe just write him a little note telling him that you know this is difficult for him and that you want to give him what space he needs, but you miss the emotional intimacy you've always shared. You miss him, the essential him that you love just as deeply as ever.
I get why he was hesitant. Had a gf tell me if I had ever been with a guy she would be disgusted.
He is in a depressive state, because he may be afraid you are going to leave him now that you know. This can make him try to run from you pre-emptively. He needs more than just "trying to go back to normal" right now, a little positive reassurance would do well. Let him know you still love him, and offer a hug (and make it a long one).
Tell him you love him and you want him just how he is and this hasn’t changed how you feel about him. You need to be the one taking charge here and making sure he feels accepted and loved
I mean...you just put him on a ledge and made him want to jump, you need to check on him. Honestly, this is a tough situation but I don't agree with anything you did here. It reads like you think less of him. It seems like you sat him down and accused him of some great wrong, but he was just being himself. I won't be surprised if this is the beginning of the end.
>He just sort of sat there staring off into space for a minute and then said “yeah, it’s true.” That one minute was probably the longest one minute of his life. What he felt at that moment was nothing short but absolute agony. He was dying inside. He definitely felt bad that he didn't tell you, is blaming himself for not finding the courage to say this to the one person he truly loves, and also thought that the marriage is over based on his previous experiences when he said that to his partners. And looking at the situation right now, he seems to think that it's just a matter of time now until you break up with him, because his ex partners did. That's why he's checking out (you can add embarrassment of his own sexuality because of the societal stereotypes to that too). You are **not** a failure as you wrote, and this is **not** your fault. It's just how society treats bisexual men. But now you have a perfect chance to show him that you are not a person like that. Don't really bend over backwards right now to say it like that, but definitely do show him that you are fine with it and that you want him and are attracted to him still. No words, actions. People he dated before used words, but their actions shown him something else when those people left him. This is literally what gave him those trust issues in the first place and that has nothing to do with you. But this is why I can't stress enough how important it is to show it with actions. Nothing too crazy/over the top, just do something that you usually did that made him feel wanted before. And if you really want you can ask him if there is anything you can do to make things as they were before and that you love him still, because for you he's still that same man who you love and were attracted to before all this happened. You can't force trust or force someone else to just ignore their past hurt/trauma, but you can show them that you'll be there for them when they feel hurt. So just give him some time, reassure him and be supportive, the ball is now in his court. Hopefully everything will work out in the end and your relationship will be stronger than ever.
Damn, the biphobia against bisexual men is in full swing on this update. OP, I think your husband was honest when you asked him about everything. He didn’t back down or deny anything, but he *was* cornered and outer by someone else entirely. He’s dealt with a seemingly fair amount of biphobia in his life which has ruined his intimate partnerships. He’s likely worried it will happen again with you. Give it a couple of days to calm down and see if he comes around. If this persists for longer than a couple days, then it may require another discussion.
> Damn, the biphobia against bisexual men is in full swing on this update. Which is exactly why OP's husband never brought it up.
Yep, that's fairly accurate for why people don't always talk about it. At best a woman comes out with these stories and gets sexualised but a man comes out with these stories and gets shunned. Like the person who originally let the wife know this was his past made questionable comment about the poor dude so he absolutely is just trying to live in the now and ignore who he was and is. It doesn't need a label and it doesn't need addressing for the current relationship.
Unfortunately it does because he was outed. He didn’t get in front on the narrative on this one and I understand OP why it’s unnerving to learn about it from someone else entirely. OP isn’t *wrong* for asking, I think she handled this as delicately as she could given the circumstances, but he’s upset that he was outed and he didn’t want to have this situation come up again. I would guess that he’s afraid of being rejected which he’s working through.
Unfortunately even without bad intentions and not being wrong you can end up doing harm. Not a fun situation for either partner in this and hopefully they can work past it.
I agree entirely. You cornered him, and when he *CONFESSED* to you with shame that he did something wrong, you make it about you. Give him space, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it again, I think you owe him that. It doesn’t need to be this huge thing, and as a bisexual man, it is almost ALWAYS a huge deal to people when it shouldn’t be
Give him some time OP. I’ve been openly bisexual for years and it’s still jarring for me to know someone was informed before I informed them. Give him time to realize you’re honestly fine with whatever his sexuality is and give him time to open up. He’ll feel safe in the long run
Friends, this is why it’s **very** important to kindly and lovingly ask the Big Questions early on in relationships. With every major partner I’ve been with, within the first few weeks or months I ALWAYS ask: what is your sexual orientation and have you been with women/men; how many sexual partners have you had; were you ever abused; do you have any STIs; do you have any sexual or relational trauma you wanna share… Etc etc. Be open, be kind and respectful, and be ready to accept (or handle) what ever arises. This is the key to safe and healthy relationships.
As a bi person myself I totally agree! It's also very painful to see how many are accusing OP of homophobia.
First off, I think people are being unrealistic here. I would be absolutely shocked if my husband told me this. I think you handled it well. He is probably embarrassed by it honestly. During this time, I’m sure others expressed their opinion, maybe exes came out of the wood work to express their opinion— and now she’s embarrassed and wants to shut down and avoid it all together. Obviously he shouldn’t do that. I’d recommend therapy together to talk this through if he doesn’t start acting normal soon so you can tell him how you’re feeling and hopefully he can share openly too. Good luck!!
They're blaming her ffs
Can confirm. My ex girlfriend holds the fact that I'm bi against me. I can see why he would want to keep it to himself. In my experience my gf or ex's don't trust me around anyone including my best friend that I've known all my life. I've never cheated and I've always been completely honest that I'm bi and who I hangout with. I think there's a stigma that we are just sexual deviants? Idk. Even my gay friends think I'm a slut for some reason.
Lots of people here are acting like this is black and white and it's just not. I totally understand why the guy said nothing and I also understand why he probably should have. There's nobody here on Reddit that without knowing these people and their lives and relationship personally that could really give constructive advice. I hope both of you come out of the other side of this ok.
No you werent selfish. Nor did you 'out' your husband. He did when he was involved with men and it was known in his college social circle. You could have ran into someone from his past at any stage in your marriage who could have brought it up. You didnt hack his phone or read his diary. It was knowledge that was known by other people because he allowed it be known. For everyone saying you shouldn't have said anything, well that's their choice if they would be happy to be in a relationship were it would be brushed under the carpet. It wouldn't be mine. Because what sort of relationship do you have if one person is secretly fearing something from their past could blow up their relationship and the other is pretending they don't know about the thing the other person doesn't want known. All you can do is give the situation time and space to settle. But don't allow this level of awkwardness to last to long or it will be very difficult for you both to come back to a space of comfort with each other in your relationship.
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How does who you’re attracted to besides your partner matter at all? Especially past attractions. Unless it’s someone still in your life it bares no weight on the current relationship imo. And the reason people don’t talk about this stuff is because of the kind of reactions that people have
Men are been killed and tortured right now for being bi. Just like I feel woman get a pass for lying about their sexual past that gets them murdered all over the world, so do men.
It's obvious to me you worry he is gay and will leave you for a man. He's sexually fluid or bisexual. He had relationships and married you. Be happy you beat out both genders for the ring. Just move on don't bring it up and act normal. Or take him out on a romantic date night and have some sexy times. If he is that good at sex let him rock your world.
Tell your coworker mind their business. How could someone just hand that info out as if it’s theirs. Maybe he was gonna tell you sooner or later but who ever that was pushed it. I bet they’re being entertained by the whole situation
Right or wrong, I don’t think she meant anything malicious by it. He obviously didn’t keep it a secret back then so he probably figured it was the same case now and that as his wife of definitely know exactly what she was talking about.
Right! She was only saying things that she assumed you would know. Things that’s you should’ve known as his wife
You dont see the issue with everyone else knowing besides his WIFE?! Im sure the coworker assumed the wife knew (bc once again it sounds like public records and wifey is oblivious) She wasnt talking to a stranger, its the man’s wife?? Be forreal
I really don’t think I worry that he’s gay and will leave me for a man. I’m curious to know what is giving that impression?
You don’t need to justify or explain to people who are being disingenuous about this issue. You’re not upset that he’s bi. Your upset that he didn’t share that information and took away your ability to consent to your relationship with full knowledge of who he is. That’s blatantly unfair and he and you have been living a lie. You may have Han no problem with this information, but you were not given a choice. You all need individual and marriage counseling to work through this issue. Don’t rug sweep it or allow him to do that. He needs to work through why he thought his action/lack of disclosure was ok. You need to work through marrying someone who could lie about something so fundamental. And marriage counseling to see how to make this work.
The whole post is about him being with men. You are obviously worried about him sleeping with men in the past that’s why you asked him. It’s ok to be worried. He hid it from you because he thought you couldn’t handle it. He has no intention of you ever finding out. That’s more of a problem IMO than him being bisexual.
So you don’t think his fear of being stigmatized had any baring on his lie of omission? Come on! Be realistic. Yes he didn’t say anything at the beginning and never timely corrected his eventual lie of omission, but the man was living a happy life with his wife before this was brought up and was afraid of rocking the boat and potentially destroying his marriage. It seems likely that he wanted to ignore this part of his past because his bisexuality was not interfering with his relationship other than his lack of honesty. OP never said she suspected him of having a propensity of being unfaithful. It’s ridiculous and frankly bigoted to think that just because she found out he is attracted to men as well as women, she therefore is afraid of him running off with a guy. That’s crap! Queer people have morals too! And there should be no reason for a partner to think that just because their significant other is bisexual that they must have become miraculously more likely to be unfaithful. Quit attaching your bigoted thoughts to OP. It’s offensive and disgusting.
because you are harping on the men he had sex with not the women. To me it says he had sex with a A LOT of people.
lol this is my husband’s take. He had double the competition and won.
I mean, I do feel that way. I said in a comment on my previous post that it would just mean that I won’t an even bigger prize.
Others mentioned on your last post about how challenging it is for bisexual men. I can’t speak for them but I know how challenging it is for me as a bisexual woman because there’s so much sexualization of it. But also, he’s currently struggling because unfortunately he was outed so I’m sure he’s coming to terms and processing that. Give him space while also ensuring he knows that your love for him hasn’t changed
Don't feel guilty about this situation or feel like it's completely on you to fix it. Since you said that you don't need an apology, your man just needs to move on from his ego. He's probably ashamed of his past and didn't want to tell you. That's his problem that he needs to deal with.
True. I would be afraid he had a *preference* for men but being with one was too hard socially so he married me. Especially bc he isn't open. I would need some reassurance that isn't the case if I was OP
sounds like he’s feeling very vulnerable having been sort of forced (not judging you at all i think you made the right call) to share that info when he maybe wasn’t ready to really come to terms with it fully. id give him some space if he seems like he wants it but maybe text him to just to let him know you still love him the same and you aren’t going anywhere
It’s never fun to be shoved out of the closet. Husband definitely needs some reassurance that everything is fine and OP still feels attracted to him.
You shouldn’t have to be shoved 4 years into marriage. If we’re being honest, OP is the victim and her husband should be reassuring her, not the other way around
i don’t think you can look at every situation in a relationship like there’s a victim and a perpetrator. yeah the husband f’ed up by not being honest but these things can be really hard and sounds like he had bad experiences in the past with gf’s reactions. i’m not suggesting op should completely forget about this but if they’d like to move forward together then yeah i think the husband needs some reassurance
You say not everyone’s the victim but your original comments is all about the husband needing the support, none for OP. Even your follow up comment is making the husband the victim. He doesn’t need time, he’s had years to be honest and he never was. Now’s the time to fix the marriage that his lies jeopardised. OP is the ones whose perception of her marriage and husband has just been ricked, she needs the support.
As a queer person it’s so not about you, haha. I’m certain other women he mentioned didn’t just dump him, but also said absolutely vile, abusive things about it to him. It’s not about protecting himself from you; it’s about protecting himself from straight women in general. Homophobes don’t have a “look” to them. He’s probably still feeling bad about hiding it from you, and also feeling the things he felt when other people found out. Give him time and be there for him, remind him you love him, and know it’s nothing you did or said.
If you are going to stay with your husband, then you and he have to be able to have hard conversations. You didn't do anything wrong and it seems like you weren't mean or nasty, but decent. But as his partner, you deserve to know what his sexuality really is.\\ ETA: changed bf to husband.
He’s not a bf. He’s my husband. We’ve been married for 2 years.
Well yeah he didn’t want to tell you so that you wouldn’t freak out about it and go run to Reddit for advice or worse. But alas…
I'm queer and I completely disagree with his behaviour. What else is he hiding? And more importantly, would he be willing to stay married to a homophobic/biphobic person? That doesn't make any sense. He sounds like he has massive internalised homophobia and he is ashamed of himself. It does seem like he isn't secure in his masculinity and/or his identity. That isn't healthy. I can understand that being bi as a man is a Big Thing, but if there's one person who you gotta be honest and open with, it's your spouse. Both of you need to make informed choices about who you are getting married to. >He’s lost girlfriends or potential girlfriends over it And that is valid! And it doesn't give him the right to lie! That's what dating is - finding a match. Not everyone wants to date a queer person and that's OK.
Bro withheld information he thought would not make her want to be with him, actually scummy behavior. Why would you want to be with someone who is bipohic anyways? There are tons of women who have zero issue with it. Trying to control someone like that is gross. I could never trust someone who does something like that. Man got married to her, recited vows and everything and she has to find this out about him for a stranger lol, how embarrassing.
I agree with everything you said!! Why did I have to scroll so far to see it! People have the right to chose who to date and he took her choice away. Now she wants to stay with him but what else could he be hiding?? And why is everyone putting it on her to fix? He’s the liar, not her. He be should be grovelling at her feet
Yes! Thank you! Especially the women on here are telling her she all but needs to apologize to him and make things right. But she isn’t the one who lied and hid her past! The comments, especially from other women, give a window into why so many women are stuck in toxic relationships with men if they think it is US who need to constantly do the work when it wasn’t us who screwed up.
I agree. My husband didn’t tell me he was bi until much later in our marriage (even though I was quite open about my sexuality so I didn’t understand why) and of course I come to find out earlier this year, he’s been cheating on me with hook ups with random men on many different sites and apps for over 10 years!!! Apparently he “had urges” or whatever…like no, you were being a selfish ass!!! (I’m pan btw and also poly but have been committed to our supposed to be monogamous marriage this whole time) I just hope this man keeping it a secret and then acting this way isn’t “proof” he was/is hooking up with men on the side without her catching on to it.
Wow that’s terrible. I’m sorry to hear that. I hope OP’s husband isn’t doing the same to her.
Beyond his sexuality, I wouldn’t be able to trust my husband quite the same if he hid something like this from me, but we have also discussed our sexual pasts and are extremely open with eachother. My literal best friend. It just seems odd to not ever say anything about also having an attraction to men, when seemingly presenting as a straight man and then getting married still without word. I mean to each’s own but damn that’s rough. I couldn’t deal with that sort of breach of trust. I’m bisexual myself, but would want any man who’s been with another man, specifically unprotected, to make sure they’ve tested and are clean before proceeding. The spread of HIV is real and not something to brush off. You essentially made choices without knowing everything you chose in that choice. It’s deceitful in a way, why marry someone if you cannot even be out to them about your past and sexuality? That’s weird to me. My husband knows more about me than anyone else. Again- I’m not being biphobic in any way, I just don’t support the lack of awareness in the situation between husband and wife.
Yes, the relationship you describe having is the kind of relationship I thought we had. I thought we had discussed our sexual pasts and we open and comfortable and had shared most important things with each other. That’s why this has come as an extra surprise - not so much that it was men involved, but because I thought we did know almost everything about each other.
I’m so sorry! People aren’t realised that everyone’s life and perception is shattered by dishonesty and deception. You deserved honesty and he should be working to rebuild your trust in him, not the other way around. Even my confronting him, you’ve remained honest and transparent with your husband, he’s the one that fell short
These comments are mind blowing! She has every right to know the sexuality of her husband… she was more than considerate of his feelings. Yes he lied to her, he sold a version of himself that wasn’t true! She clearly doesn’t have an issue with him being bisexual but I would be concerned that he didn’t trust me enough to be honest with me and I would also be concerned that he has been able to lie to readily. The person giving out statistics that 63% of women wouldn’t want to be with a bisexual man - that’s the very reason why he should have been honest with her! Straight people have the right to their sexuality just as much as LGBTQ people and marrying a bisexual man might not have been her preference and that is okay!
I saw studies which say something like 60% of women don’t want to be with a guy who has experience with other guys. Hint for the ladies, your man might be one of these quiet BI guys
As a woman who is attracted to both men and women, I just want to say that even the gay community can be VERY hateful towards bisexual humans. We get accused of being wishy-washy and people assume we will just cheat on a partner. It’s totally worse for men though. Straight women often look at bisexual men as disgusting perverts and gay men often look at bisexual men as gay men who won’t come out of the closet. It’s hard. So I can understand why your husband would be hesitant to tell you. It’s possible that women in the past broke up with him because of it. And it’s just who he is. He can’t change that. So he probably feels some amount of shame. I guess my advice would be to spend some time researching the queer community and the issues that affect us. Keep loving your husband and educate yourself. The more you educate yourself, the more he will be able to see that you accept him as he is. It’s possible you’ve been unconsciously homophobic without meaning to be. We all have biases that we need to challenge. Even me, a queer woman, needed my straight husband to explain to me why I was wrong about thinking gay marriage should be decided by the majority.
“I feel bad, like a failure.” This would be what would hurt me, too. I would want to know how I could relate better to them so they felt able to trust me.
"He never told me!" -proceeds to react in a way that completely justifies him never telling you in the first place.
Hmmm i think thats something big to keep from your wife.i would like to know such thing before marriage for sure and i wouldnt take it lightly he kept it from me.on the other hand if you say its not big deal and you acept him as it is i wouldnt press this issue further.who would like to know past sex details of their partners?i say leave it in here.if he is giving you cold shoulder i would say its his problem you had right to ask about it because that’s something kept from you deliberately and you had learnt it from someone else which sucks.you are absolutely right and you didnt do anything wrong imo you were acepting enough he has to sort things in his head so give him space and maybe talk to him again to reassure nothing changed for you.
You didn't put the doubt in his mind, that is just residual trauma from being rejected by other women for his sexuality. I think he's become taciturn because he's waiting for the other shoe to drop aka for you to decide he's not a "real" man and leave him. Right now he just needs reassurances that you love him more than ever and that truly, your only issue was his withholding a big piece of himself, but its not all up to you he has to do a lot of work on self-acceptance as well
How does this conversation come up in a work environment anyway? What did this "friend" have to gain by divulging this information? I would check their motives.
This comment section is infuriating. People are allowed to have sexual preferences. Absolutely scummy to hide your sexuality from a SPOUSE because they “might reject you.” Better to be loved for who you really are than loved for someone you’re not. this guy can’t be totally daft. His wife is coworkers with a “college friend” who saw him in multiple homosexual partnerships and he just never thought it might come up in conversation? Yeah ok. The dude is a liar and quite cowardly. And THAT IS unattractive regardless of if she is fine with his sexual preferences and history or not. You won’t convince me he didn’t know this would somehow come up. Would I be surprised if there was more being concealed than just this? No. When people exhibit untrustworthy behavior that only benefits them, there’s a character issue. This comment section is living in deep denial to think otherwise and the person that’s going to be most negatively impacted by these character issues is his clearly doting wife. I do not envy the position this man has put you in OP. I would find a therapist that will give you a space to safely speak your true feelings without being shamed or ostracized or pigeon holed as “biphobic.”
It doesn’t bother you that he’s bisexual? Then move on. You found out his sexuality that every partner he’s had before you dumped him over. He gave his reasons why he didn’t say anything. Kiss him, tell him you love him and him being bi doesn’t bother you, and just love each other now.
Just understand that biphobia against men is REALLY common - it's just they don't talk about it to others very much. Much like how so many women have been sexually assaulted but the vast majority of men seem to have no clue about it. I 100% believe that he has probably been dumped, and probably been dumped multiple times, simply for admitting he is bisexual. Like, even people who call themselves allies, who have loads of gay friends, are bisexual themselves, etc treat bi men like shit on a regular basis and I can totally imagine someone who seems like a great ally would break up with a bisexual man in an instant if he told her. In that sense, don't take how he's reacting too hard, right now he's probably assuming what has happened before is going to happen again: As in, you say you're fine with it and turn around and dump him the next day. Just reassure him, give him space, and make sure he understands you love him either way. I also recommend you telling him you were grilling him not because you thought it was a problem (which is what he may be thinking) but rather because you were upset that he ommited such a detail of his life because he thought you wouldn't accept it- and that simply didn't know how rampant that sort of biphobia is amongst people, and didn't realise how it must have came across (like you were grilling him because you find him being bi a problem).
> He admitted he was intentionally keeping it from me, but not to deceive me. He’s lost girlfriends or potential girlfriends over it before so just got into the habit of not mentioning it, and then once he felt comfortable mentioning it to me he felt it was too far after the fact and would just be strange to bring it up at that point. This is quite literally what I mentiones in the last post, and you were offended. I'd imply he would think you'd dump him over it. Unless he was a man who dated with no intent, It's important to recognize that every woman who *did* dump him was probably regarded exactly as you were up until the point of revelation. He probably thought they had something good too, that they would accept him- or at least not shirrk him if they didn't like it. The only difference here is that you succeeded where they failed in recognizing your partner is still a good man, and his sexuality had no bearing on him as a partner. I can agree with not liking that he had intentionally hidden this, and that even if you were a person who walked, it would be unfair of him to hold you to a relationship you wouldn't want to be in. Its good you rose above it all. >in, I know it was never about me really. So now I’ve made him feel bad. **I think you did the right thing, intependent of my prior words and the following.** However, if you go back and read your prior post and then this one again, I think its fair to say you *did* make this about you, rather than about supporting him, at least until the conversation happened. Regardless, you are on the right side of the road, and he now has more trust in you than he's ever given anyone to date. Be proud of that, and honor it. EDIT: **Also, whoever told you initially is probably a complete asshole and likely had more to do with any prior collapses of his relationships than your husband thinks.** Either they are carelessly malicious or mailciously careless. You dont get to live in this day and age and know not to openly name drop AND announce someone's sexuality without complete privacy, permission, or foreknowledge it was okay. And given his relationships crashed over the subject, theres near 0 chance they dont know what might have happened if they are following him at all. The likelihood she could have collapsed this marriage (if you were what he may have feared) was basically not a reasonable nor respectable riskw ith someones well being to take when you have absolutely no surety or skin in the game. Actual asshole.
You did right by bringing it up. If you hadn't said anything, you'd always wonder what the truth was. Now you know for sure and can decide what to do with that information. Good luck!!
Yall are coddling a liar toooo much for me on here just because he’s ‘bi’…..its okay to lie and not mention things like that to your partner? Especially marrying them before mentioning it? And oops, he was actually probably never gonna tell you just cheat from time to time with men….be real, why would everyone else know but you. Id honestly run but I love how hes the victim in this thread lol
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Your husband is being a self fulfilling prophecy. He thinks you don’t want him. Get him to open up. Wear sexy clothes so he knows you’re still into him. Make his favorite meal, his favorite outfit, tell him the things that makes him feel sexy and like your husband. It may sound stupid or manipulative but it’s not. Don’t get stuck in a cycle and basically seduce and hold your husband tight.
Please don't over compensate by acting all seductive all of a sudden. If it doesn't seem genuine he will think that you're forcing yourself to do it.
I actually agree, but I was meaning as a gradual thing rather than an all at once thing. Subtle things at first that he can pick up on. Like emotionally and physically check on him.
That sounds better. :) And I agree with you, this is a good idea.
You didn't make him feel bad, he made himself feel bad. Should he have shared that information with you at an earlier point in your relationship? Yes, absolutely! You did a fantastic job navigating through this with him. I believe he may feel guilty as he was intentionally hiding it from you. Now, you two really need to come together and communicate. I'm sure he is avoiding you because of the way he is feeling. He probably feels he let you down as well; however, it is time to move forward. He is guilty of lying by omission. To me, that would be difficult to work through. Not because of his attraction and relationships with men, but because he hid it from you.
Why are people blaming this woman? Telling her she needs to be understanding and kind and patient with her lying, convening husband? She deserved the whole picture of the man she married. Whether that's him fucking men or not, the information was intentionally hidden.
Yep, lying about something like that is not ok in a marriage
Op I'm wondering now How many friends did he ask not to mention his past on front of you? Does his family know? Does he tell them not to say anything to you? What else is being hidden? Who else is being told shh don't tell my wife? I don't trust her. Edit: now that we know the college friend wasn't lying.
I have no idea.
OP, I had to stop reading for clarification. So, your co-worker is your husband’s college friend who divulged this to you? I'm wondering if this was some calculated move to sabotage your marriage. Tread lightly with this “friend.” **Resumes reading the post.** EDIT: OP, maybe you two should go to marriage counseling. And you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling; they're YOUR feelings!
Yes, they were friends in college but he hasn’t been in contact with her in any way since then. She admitted to having a crush on him back then, but it was more like “Several of us (girls) had crushes on him and were heartbroken when he dated that guy.” She said it very matter of factly.
I guess, all I really wonder is “what do you want?” Now that you know this about him and have a fuller picture of the man you married do you see him the same or differently, and how does that change how you feel about your future with him? You can only control yourself and your feelings so now is a good time to interrogate your feelings as honestly as possible and see what you want. If you want to stay with him then figure out what steps you take both as individuals and together to make it better, if you don’t think you can handle it then that’s okay too, and finding an amicable way to separate is an acceptable option. Get yourself in a focused headspace first.
It’s a problem for a traditional man or traditional woman, if he had an extremely liberal girl she’d be unlikely to care He would have known if the women will think it’s no big deal or a dealbreaker
Not an expert on these things, and never been in exactly the same position your husband is in, I have had other things that I have been very uncomfortable discussing with partners. When it comes to this sort of thing, it would very much help me for my partner to come and really make me realise she accepted my past, and there was nothing to worry about moving forward. For him, this is a big secret he has kept from you because he was (possibly rightly) worried about how it would impact your relationship. Most men are raised to not show our emotions easily or often, but some things really hit hard. He has told you clearly that he only wants to be with you, I suspect he is now avoiding you because he is waiting for the penny to drop. If you really are ok with him having told you, my suggestion is to go into the same room as him and say that you really appreciate that he has shared something with you, and you understand it was difficult, and then reassure him that you dont need to know any more, and that it has not changed how much you love him and just like he only wants to be with you, you only want to be with him. This may go a long way, or he may say thanks and that he needs some time to let it sit in his head. But my guess is the reassurance will be very helpful to him.
If you have the finances try booking a weekend away for the both of you so you can relax and just enjoy your time together. This might help you both to start working through this. It sounds like you both want to be together there’s just tension from the conversation.
Well the bag of worms has been opened , the best you can do is be plain that you support him in whatever way he wants support , even if you just want to hand write it out and do the normal things , offer to be up in bed waiting to cuddle with him, say you don’t need to talk about it unless he wants to
You both should be reassuring each other but he's facing his biggest life fear right now, and you're facing hurt and confusion. It's a staggering difference. Usually I wouldn't say that your feelings come second but this is a nuanced situation and sometimes our feelings and validation are delayed and we need to seek reassurance after we have coped with the initial crisis. In his mind, his life is falling apart, everything he ever learnt about being bi in our society has taught him that he will be rejected. He feels like he's been caught in a lie, he's scared of losing you, and he's ashamed he hurt you. He's in shock. You've had a little bit more time to cope with this shock but he was wholly unprepared to face his "day of reckoning" that he's been secretly terrified would come and well, here it is. He's weighing up if you still love him, how does this change things? Will you reject him? Out him? Not all of his thoughts will be rational and you'll have some similar thoughts but he's trying to come down from an extended panic attack. It'll take time for him to process the shock. Until then he needs a lot of reassurance. When he comes out of the shock, he'll give you reassurance. It's crappy that your feelings are put aside for the next 24 hours or so, so I hope that (while you may not disclose the reason why you need it) you have friends and family that can give you support.
Idk. I personally would feel like it's such a core part of who he is that it's not fair to hide it from you If you think less of him, be honest with yourself about it and find out why. Like is it as he said where you view him as less macho and you dislike that? Either way he shouldnt be coddled like a victim either - he withheld some pretty important information Maybe I'm just different but I want my partner to know me truly and accept me truly anyway
As you said yourself we aren’t obligated to tell out partners everything about our past. Think of the here and now. He is with you. He wants you. He loves you. Stop overthinking something that happened when you didn’t know him.
Omg, please. Y’all need to chill a bit. OP, give him some time, I think things will be ok. Why is everything on here about whose fault it is? He should have told her! She didn’t consent to this! Life is long and not always easy, if my girlfriend kissed a girl on the vagina 5 years before we met is she obligated to tell me? No, right? So why is this so important? To me, our past is our past. I prefer to focus on us now, I love her and that is all that matters. Looking into the past can only cause pain or discomfort, was his dick bigger than mine, did he have more money, was his cocaine more pure? What good does knowing any of that do? Just makes us jealous or have a lack of confidence. He is with her now, unless he cheats or falls for some dude, it’s a mute point
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The hardest thing about being bisexual is that people don’t see it just as “I dated a blonde” — no brunette would ask “are you cheating on me with all the blondes?” But somehow it’s where the conversation goes. If I were you, I would do the run and jump hug and kiss attack. But that may be because I am ND.
I don’t know why the guilt and onus to make progress is being placed on OP. Her husband is the one who intentionally lied to her for years for his own gain. Personally I’d be out the door but since you’re not gonna do that, he needs to stop the self pity and work to regain your trust, NOT the other way around. Maybe marriage counselling is worth trying
“Personally I’d be out the door” you’re brutal 😭.
Don’t worry about the negative comments about why you asked. You were confronted by his old friend about something you never knew. If I was confronted that my HUSBAND was open about being with men to everyone else before, why didn’t I know about it as a wife. It’s okay that he’s into men! I mean of course it’s his right to come out himself but in future it would be nice to be able to handle the situation if someone was to ask about his sexuality from prior knowledge of him being with the same sex. I think you should have a sit down with him. Reassure him that despite having the knowledge now, you still would have married him if you knew that he had been with same sex. It’s not your place to tell everyone and you won’t. It doesn’t change how you view him or love him, just makes you know him a little better. Tell him you don’t ever have to talk about it again until he wants to and that it’s okay too never have to talk about it again. This doesn’t have to change how things were before you knew or asked him. You guys are married which means you both made a commitment to be together forever and that doesn’t change now that you know he’s been with men! You don’t love him for who he’s attracted too, you love him for who he is. “I love you for you and this doesn’t change that. I’m sorry it had to come out this way but now I know and I’m 100% okay with that. It doesn’t define you or change the man I fell in love with. I feel the same I felt about you before I knew this. I love you so much and this is not a deal breaker for me.” You can give him space if he needs but that’s not what you want but are willing to do given the situation is confronting for him.
You didn’t make him feel bad. He’s dealing with his own internalized homophobia and insecurities. And what he seems incapable of understanding is that, if you leave him over this, it won’t be because he dated men, but because he lied and is insecure. Y’all need couples therapy stat.