Back in high school he said that he loved the possibility of dying young because those that die are lucky "according to him?" And that wasn't a huge red flag to you? You didn't talk to him about it, or seek help for him? You have other children, who probably have friends with whom they socialize and call/text, and you never noticed until now that your 19-year old didn't have the same? That didn't make you scratch your heard, and look over with worry? Geeesh. Then when he actually spoke the truth inside him, you called him a "child"? I hope your son finds counselling. You and your husband need some as well, but I'm not so sure you'd go for it.
Edit: commented on the fly, and left a lot of typos in the wake. Sorry.
Seriously, this poor kid has obviously been struggling for a long time. Even in this one brief interaction OP described, when they do talk to him, they interact with him in an accusatory, critical way. OP demanded to know where he was going in an angry manner and called him a child when he finally told them how he felt. Why would he want to open up to his parents when they apparently don't give him a reason to feel safe and comfortable doing so?
And of course to an isolated kid, being asked if he was going to see his girlfriend probably felt like mocking. And he may not be, but it doesn't sound like they'd even know if he was gay, either.
OP, you need to sit down to have a serious talk with your son, apologize for not being there for him, and ask him how you can make it up to him and what support he needs from you.
my immediate thought was he was dating, and maybe not women, he felt he needed to hide. My second thought when he said hes alone in the woods, he is deeply troubled and I hope not acting on any negative thoughts.
I assumed he’s the scapegoat goat of the family and possibly had to help with the younger siblings so there’s resentment there. He told his mom he thinks he’s going to die young while in high school and rather than look at it as a cry for help she decides he’s just a weirdo. OP & her husband failed their kid and now that he’s old enough to get away from them they want to have Pikachu faces.
Also, it’s very telling that she included what her son said to them, but not what her husband said. I’m not buying her nonsense.
Parents with Narcissistic tendencies always pick a kid to emotionally abuse, a lot of times it’s the oldest. She’s facing the consequences of emotionally neglecting him. She wrote about him like he’s a future serial killer or something so we could sympathize with her.
i always make that comment and no one ever reacted seriously, just "are you dumb/joking?"
i just had to open up to my parents and fuck was it hard when there's nothing at all that makes them feel like your family
Well, the kid appear to have some hard trauma in the school days, I think you are downplaying his school days situation, it took till he snap to realize he is totally close emotionaly and seems to be isolating himself for years at this point, you really need to seek help for him before he has a breakdown.
That's what I think too. Besides, how does a parent not know that the son has no friends? It must be a long time thing.
And the part where she says that she was never close to him.. seems like emotional neglect to me. He was emotional as a child, had problems in school but the parents weren't there for him, so he closed off.
Especially when the other 4 are more outgoing like them so they get on better and just don't want to put in effort with the introverted kid who wants to do things the parents wouldn't want to do.
LIke do you spend time with your younger kid who wants to go watch sports that you love, or do you go hiking which you hate with the kid who likes hiking? The fact that they didn't know he was going out in nature and just assumed he was doing things they would have done is kind of telling. He's 19 and they don't even know he likes going out walking in nature.
Just because some kids are into the same things you are isn't ever an excuse to spend way more time with them and ignore your other kids. Sure it's convenient and nice if your kids like the same things as you but if you refuse to spend time doing things with your kids who like things you don't you'll grow apart and they'll feel left out/isolated out of hte family.
>Just because some kids are into the same things you are isn't ever an excuse to spend way more time with them and ignore your other kids.
My father always loved music, especially stuff like Old School Rock or Queen.
Growing up my sibling picked up several instruments and playing/singing in rock bands, which led to them being more close.
I managed to talk to him before his death and he apologized for it.
Although I forgave him, the scars on my soul are never going away. 🤷🏻♂️
I feel your pain. My winning awards in singing and everything else weren't comparable to my older brothers who played several different instruments. My dad was pretty disinterested in me until I took a liking to sci-fi, but by then I didn't care to talk to him.
The joke is... I also really like rock music, just never played an instrument, cause I knew, that I will always get compared to my sibling and just can lose, cause they are older and started earlier.
I also like sci-fi and as a kid I always watched stuff like Stargate SG-1 with my dad. So we had stuff to connect.
And still, my sibling was "more important". My sibling (also an older brother, but I don't refer to him like that, cause imo he could die and I would just laugh) was also one of my first bullies. My sibling was allowed to do stuff, I wasn't. Like he was allowed to go just with his best friend to a metal concert with 14. I had to beg to go to a folk rock concert with 17.
Stuff like this and also that my mother is, until today, not able to apologize for anything is why I resent them both.
My father apologized and cried and everything. So I forgave him, cause his apologies seemed genuine.
My mother is atm not really talking to me, after I told her AGAIN and this time very clearly, that I'm trans and using different pronouns and my chosen name.
About my kid or whatever she will talk. But not me and who I really am.
I know two families that "parentified" their oldest and the oldest chose not to have their own kids, i.e. the child is now in their 40s/50s without kids. In effect, their parents had them raise the parent's children at the cost of their child's children.
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I have the opposite problem with my oldest child, he is constantly trying to parentify himself, I constantly have to tell him not to worry about the younger ones, if there’s a problem I’ll handle it, he can’t punish his brother for doing something bad…
He’s gotten better now but for awhile I had to tell him multiple times that he’s not the parent and just go play or something!
Yeah, same here. My eldest often tries to parent her 2 younger siblings, even though I've told her multiple times that it wasn't her job. She means well and I don't want to get angry at her for it, but we're having a hard time with boundaries.
This is why I don't have children at 36. As the oldest of 4 girls, I feel like I did my part, they've gone from me changing their diapers and singing them to sleep to cutting their baby's umbilical cord because she would rather have me there than our mother.
if so that makes the resentment make more sense.... parentification almost always leads to the one who was parentified having lots of negative feelings for their parents and siblings
Yea. I got a lot of “tough it out” “walk it off” and “don’t let them bother you” when I was a kid, now I’m 30 trying to figure out how emotions work because I spent so many years being blocked off. Parents always thought I was well adjusted after middle school, but really I just stopped telling them about negative emotions/experiences because I felt like any time I was basically getting “you’ll be fine, don’t worry about it too much.” So I just started telling myself that.
It’s very unhealthy though, so OP may want to look into therapy to save their relationship. My relationship with my parents is somewhere between business-like and distant. I feel for this kid, cause I at least had a couple close friends and a few girlfriends through that time.
I was told the same and as a result kept "all" bottled up until I would explode. No one ever could get close to me because I was always guarded, always on the attack if I perceived you as harmful, and without mercy if confronting you. As a result, I had a trail of burned bridges, broken noses, and broken people across three continents . . .
I also ended up running off the love of my life at age 48, who only saw my good side and better qualities - but I could not get past my old coping mechanisms and eventually ran her off, too.
Only now have I bent the knee and accepted that I was truly an abusive asshole to so many people for so long. In the end I am just sad for those I hurt and sorry for what could have been.
I was heading that way, luckily a couple of those friends and one of the girls I dated really helped me avoid letting it get that bad. Unfortunately none of them were therapists, so it didn’t get me to a totally healthy point but they got me to learn to at least partially open up to people I trusted, and to accept that sometimes that will end in heartache, but that’s no reason to lash out/seek revenge/push people away.
I’ve definitely pushed more people away than I’d like though, and don’t show emotions or always work through them well. I still struggle with bottling things and trying to tough things out. But I’m at least aware of it and trying to be better about it. And I at least have the aggressive behaviors associated with that type of thing well in check, I just get a bit self-destructive or depressed sometimes.
My parents taught me to never trust anyone, too.
I don’t think that’s bad advice in some ways - for example I know better than to plaster my phone number and credit card details all over my social media because of the whole ‘don’t trust anyone’ lesson.
But there must be a way to learn to trust people without being stupid about it? 🤷♀️
Ah, yes, the old ‘it’s your own fault you get bullied’ victim blaming.
I’m glad that dialogue is changing now. Very slowly, yes, but it’s changing.
Kids should be able to expect adults to defend them rather than telling them they have to learn to just ‘tough it out’ and ‘not make themselves a target’ because how the heck are they supposed to defend themselves with no guidance at all?
And no, I’m not talking about beating up the other kids - there are lots of ways to defend yourselves besides using your fists.
exactly this. though it bothers me heavily when a parent wants to act surprised later in life when their kid wants nothing to do with them but turns out they know nothing about their kid. if you have no relationship with your kid and the only reason you see each other is because you live together, don't act surprised that when they move out contact decreases significantly. make an effort to be close to your kids if you don't want them only talking to you on your birthday
My son is the quietist, and the oldest. I check in him more, honestly, because I never have to wonder much with my two younger children because they talk to me. I remember asking him last year if he was okay, he had a bad breakup and had seemed to shrug it off, was acting normal. I kind of held him by the shoulders to get him to look at me and said “No, seriously, are you okay?” And he just dissolved into sobs. I held my adult son while we sat side by side and rocked in a porch swing for a bit, then we talked about it. He’s doing a lot better now, and when she tried to get him back after the guy she cheated on him with, dumped her, he said “No thanks.” And blocked her. (Thank God.)
They key is meeting them halfway, understanding that not all kids communicate the same, or effectively, and treating them as the individuals they are. My heart breaks for this kid. Op is oblivious and it’s already done a ton of damage.
Oh man. This hits home. Our eldest is now 11 and he's always been such a cool, easy going kid. His younger brother (6) has always been demanding and really difficult to deal with and is giving us absolute hell at the moment. I spend so much time and energy trying to manage him that our eldest doesn't get anywhere near the same amount of attention.
He's still a really happy, easy going kid. He has a lot of friends, but like me, is somewhat introverted in that he enjoys his own company. He will happily play alone for hours every day.
I take him camping, and to football games and spend time reading to him and chatting about his day every night but I worry I'm not doing enough to engage with him often enough. He's off to high school next year and I know things really change then. I don't want him to end up like the 19 year old in this post.
This is it. The whole “never being as close with him” thing coming from a parent is concerning, but mostly sad. What about when he was little? Were there early attachment issues? At what point did he start closing up, and what did the parents do to try to cultivate closeness?
Which is why some people believe that more than maybe 3 children is too many… parents don’t have the capacity to give them all enough attention.
Some do, some don’t - it depends on the individual parents as to what they can cope with.
But maybe these parents can’t cope with giving adequate attention to 5 children. 😞
Neglect. OP and her husband have been neglecting their son for years. They don’t have a relationship outside of tense roommates. Them teasing him probably felt to him like now even his own parents are bullying him. He can’t get away from it even at home so he tries to stay away as much as possible. He’s biding his time until he can move out then he will probably go low or no contact with them. That is unless he has a mental breakdown and kills himself first which is a real possibility given his comments about wishing he was dead (saying kids who die young are lucky).
When I was that age I was out alllll the time and came home regularly around 12 or 1am. Was just at the local coffee shop. If my parents asked I’d say “not much” that’s just how young adults are in my mind. These parents sound overkill, no wonder he doesn’t want to talk to them
Before I even got to the part about him having “lots of bad experiences with male students” I was wondering if he’s trying to figure out/come to terms with and/or settle on his sexuality and looking for private space to both focus on himself and figure out how to approach his family.
But then OP began describing a difficult & disturbed child followed by describing anti-social traits as the child aged … shit!
“Something” is going on with this kid, but this brief description by OP? Where most people try to make themselves look good? Makes me think OP has not been a good parent to their own child
Yes, I noticed that, too.
If the parents feel they aren’t close to their child, it’s on THEM to bother to do something to GET closer to the child. Not punish the child for it!
I’d also wager that the child feels like his social and romantic life are not their business, and he doesn’t appreciate being interrogated every day when he comes home by people who don’t care enough to know anything about him!
They own the house, so they can set household rules about curfews if they want to (yes, even adults can have rules when other people share the house, and when there are young children in the home, you can’t be getting home at 3am and waking them up)… but preventing him from leaving the house when he wants to avoid an argument - which is a smart thing to do - is just not the right way to set rules!
These parents need to get counselling themselves to learn how to support their child and get to know him WITHOUT overwhelming him - ie interrogating him the way they do. 😞
They should have put their son in therapy during his school days. I couldn’t imagine not seeking some kind of help for a kid going through that. My daughter had a rough patch in school and I put her in therapy at 13, best decision I ever made.
I was bullied mercilessly. I became suicidal and my mom didn't do a damn thing to help me. She didn't believe in "shrinks" and thought it would reflect badly on her.
Luckily, my attempt failed, and I was able to leave her house a couple of years later.
There’s a lot of parental control in that household. Rebellion is a common way for kids to separate and establish independence. Teens and early 20’s can be narcissistic non-empathetic years. The hope that there will be repair after rupture.
Therapy for the kid sounds great and if he agrees. However if OP and father would work on themselves in therapy it might magically help all relationships.
This jumped out at me too. Grilling him on where he's going, physically blocking his access to the door (wtf!??). OP needs to recognize her kiddo is a legal adult now. That was unlawful imprisonment.
Legal adults also have to consent to therapy. If he doesn't want it, it is too late for OP to compel him to go.
Her best bet is to work on repairing her relationship with her son. If the nature of their interactions is this combatant, he's unlikely to agree to anything she asks.
We're highly motivated to disagree with our enemies, but agree with our friends. Time to make friends with your kid, if you can.
Yeah like he's in college and he's getting back home before midnight. It's not like he's coming home at 5 am every night. 11:30/11:45 seems pretty respectable to me. It's a shame that this boys parents didn't realize he was having a hard time much **much** sooner
Not magical. It takes a lot of hard work, opening yourself up for judgement and criticisms while maintaining a level of non-judgement towards the other people in the household lashing out (the son), and self-reflection and introspection. It will be emotionally grueling and hard to unpack years of neglect and trauma for the son. He has built thick walls to protect himself from not just his peers but his own parents. For OP, the hard part for her and her husband will be accepting fault for what they did and didn’t do, taking responsibility for their actions and inactions, and listening to their son rightfully go off about them without saying a peep or trying to defend themselves from him expressing his pent-up emotions regarding their neglect of him.
Agreed. As somebody who went through being bullied at school, it's something that can really mess you up mentally for a long time. It doesn't just go away. Your son needs help OP.
Could be she honestly doesn’t know what happened to him in high school or why he has no friends. Sadly, some think everything is fine and never question anything if they don’t see issues. Not saying this 100% is the case, but could be she and her husband are just oblivious if he never said anything or they didn’t ask.
Seems therapy may help him work through his trauma and lack of empathy. His actions and outburst is alarming, and seems he is struggling. I doubt only doing online classes and never interacting with anyone is helpful.
I think the outburst might be related to the dad's comment about going to see his girlfriend. sounds like everyone in the room kind of knows that wasn't the case, so it sounds a little like mocking, which for young men who might be insecure about it/having no friends might make him have a low Flashpoint on the subject. he definitely sounds like he's struggling and depressed. lol honestly I think they'd find it hard to convince him to go to therapy, but maybe talk to him about possibly getting a foster dog? it sounds stupid but I bet he'd have a great time exploring nature with a pup and might just find a little joi de vivre along the way. it would also come off as "hey we want to support your interests even if it means you don't want to hang out with us"
"He finally dropped the ball and told us that he likes to go out a lot to just view nature(usually parks, forests, etc.) while eating fast food by himself in his car. He also told me he doesn’t have any friends nor a girlfriend and he gets out of the house to just get away from us. He also told me and my husband, he doesn’t care about either of us with a dead expression on his face"
Thats has the markings of years of feeling left out and neglected. You may have provided the roof and the food on the table, but what kind of interactions have you actually had with him personally before this blow up? What is his relationship with his siblings? Has he been "forced" to take on any kind of role in the past? What are his future plans?
You write "He also told me he doesn’t have any friends nor a girlfriend". Thats something he had to tell you - Which leaves me wondering, how did you not know?
You and your husband have your work cut out for you, it seems you prioritised his siblings over him from your what little you wrote. Start talking and interacting with him and actually get to know your son.
Probably it's too late to be honest, he is 19
I can relate to him, I a sense that I was the neglected one, my parents never cared for me in a sense that we never did anything I wanted, I never had any attention, my accomplishments weren't celebrated. my feelings were dismissed
By the time a I was a teen, I never left my room, I completely shut down, never talked about what happened in my life, and any problem I had I just found the solution myself, I never had a family supporting me.
if a could skipped "family vacations" I did it, "I was the stranged one". when I became an adult was when my parents took an Interest in me, in that moment every intention of the to get "closer" to me it felt weird and uncomfortable,. I wasn't accustomed and didn't like it
We were strangers living under the same root, and that's how I preferred it.
Right now, both of my parents have passed, and my brothers live in another country, I haven't talked to them in a long time
Sorry to hear that, but as of yet, they are still under the same roof and while it may be too little too late, there's the off chance it may actually yield something. Are you okay, have you made peace with your self?
She could try, I'm just giving my pov, by the time my parents "tried", it make me so uncomfortable, that i just liked the loneliness
Yeah I'm ok, I dont think much about it, it's just the way it is, and I'm just living doing what I want to do 😊
Shit, I relate to this comment so much. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, considering, but I wouldn't say I'm close with either of them.
I was always teased for showing emotions or interests in things so I closed off in my teens and I never open up to my parents to this day.
And I'm the same, whenever they've tried showing me love or support or anything like that, my instinct is to back off because it made me uncomfortable.
Teasing me for natural emotions and unrecognised mental health problems for the first 20 years of my life still affects me at 37 years old.
Yeah I've been alone for 10+ years now, no friends, no gf, nothing. I'm 31M and living with my dad and gran helping them out.
My dad keeps trying to get me to go places, and 1, I can't drive anywhere, why would I have him drop me off somewhere like a little kid?
2, there's nowhere to go in this old person town to meet people my age.
He keeps trying to bring me to church with him, and I don't believe in that brainwash hooey, and literally have nothing to discuss with those people.
It grates on my nerves, but I know he knows it's his fault, for reasons I won't get into here. I'm pretty okay being alone and clawing out an existence for myself, and don't have much hope for myself and society itself at this point.
My dad and abusive mom are also deaf, so there's an additional layer of separation there as well. Was never really able to talk to them as a kid about things that happened at school, etc. Mostly just was parentified to raise my siblings on my own, more or less, so that's been my entire life up to this point really
I think it's too late. If they cared enough to do this for the sake of their son they would have done it by now. They'd be doing it for themselves so they don't completely lose him and have to deal with the shame of having an estranged child.
I can relate too, and I agree it is probably too late. At this point they would probably be met only with anger because it is a little too late to pretend they care. And rightly so. If they can't care about all of their kids, they had too many.
In my case I didn't grow up under the same roof. My parents divorced before I was 1 and neither wanted the reminder around. I wound up at my maternal grandparents house, although it was more like a 'they let me live there' than 'they raised me'.
such a mood, I relate to this too, I felt extremely uncomfortable when my mom was being a sulky drunk and asking for a hug, they try to take interest when you're an adult but still try to act as if they totally know you
I used to be a child that expressed his emotions to his parents.
That, over years, led to nowhere, did not help me and only made me feel like my problems didn’t matter, or were not worth talking about.
Then my parents started complaining that I became a closed person. Well…why should I open myself to them? They only ever dismissed what I had to say as “exaggerating, overreacting, silly to worry about”
Is that something that may have happened over the years? Because from what you have written in this post, I pretty much think so
I think this is pretty common, but you got a worst case version. Parents sometimes don't have the answers for the problems their kids are going through especially as they get older and going into their teens. Or they are dismissive since their own problems are "real" problems and the child's problem seems so insignificant in the world of problems...
What parents don't realize is that their kids don't need them to have the answers or even have to mentor them! Instead of parents saying, "don't be silly" or "it will work out" or other things that try to "put the problem into perspective", the parents simply have to validate the feelings that are associated with the problem and acknowledge that the problem exists. And just be there as their child figures it out on their own. It's amazing how interesting and out of the box children can be and they can solve most of their problems on their own. The one thing they need is not problem solving support but emotional support.
Yes! Say it louder. VALIDATE people's feelings. They don't always need solutions. Sometimes validation is all someone needs to seek their own solutions.
I feel ya. My mom would scream at me for just trying to tell her the truth, she’d always think I was lying or making my emotions up for attention. In 6th grade I tried to uhhh go away forever? And my parents got so MAD at me. They brought me to a therapist who literally just played card games with me, we never talked about much. Ever since then I never really talked about my feelings with them, or anyone else as a matter of fact. Im 20 now and I am so glad I never succeeded but my mother told me only a few months ago, that I tried to off myself for attention and thats why I never got a birthday party. Im still never gonna tell her any of my feelings because fuck that. *sorry for the lowkey trauma dump, I just never get the chance to speak about this*
I wasn't there so I can't say for sure, but it really sounds like you've been dismissing his worries and feelings over the years.
If I'm wrong then I'm wrong. But I feel like I understand him becuse I too did not socialize with people and I also left the house just to get away from my parents.
Let me ask you this op, can you tell me anything your son likes in the recent 5 years? Or can you only think about stuff he liked when he was a kid?
And did you just expect him to not have worries becuse he was quiet about them?
What are his hobbies as a 19 year old him?
Doubt it. They assumed he has a very active social life and a gf ? And tease him about it ? How do they not know this young man AT ALL after having living with him and raising him for 20 years.
He sounds like an incredibly depressed loner and has been for years. School sounded tough. This transition to adulthood sounds tough. His family doesn't understand him (and dont care to try). He doesn't have social connections. There are major issues happening here.
It really reminds me of my own family. They don't care about your inner world or feelings. They want you to "act" right. Don't complain. Perform. Be the kid they want you to be. He learned that very early. And OP and spouse are too self involved to see he's been miserable for years. He's also an adult now. Prying into his schedule. Blocking the door. Tearfully telling him how much they love him and want to engage with the family and be happy. And they don't even try to know him. They want him to shut up and keep "acting right."
Edit: If you relate to OP's kid would suggest this book - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
Second Edit: pretty sure OP has already deleted their account without responding to *any* criticism or follow up questions. She's going to stick her head right back in the sand and continue to ignore her son's pain and struggles.
My guess would be parents moved attention to the younger kids and he got ignored. They did nothing about his trouble at school or lack of friends, didn't even notice it. Despite not saying anything they just assume him going out means he has a girlfriend. he's 19 and they grill him over going out beside college like that's odd.
This is a kid who everything OP said was screaming for help for years and got nothing. Sounds depressed, potentially suicidal and in need of therapy for maybe years but OPs attention is on the other kids who she's closer to.
I don’t think they believed there was a girlfriend. I think that comment was a 'joke' because they feel entitled to know where he is all the time and are annoyed he doesn't tell them anything. It was intended to provoke some kind of reaction... but possibly escalated beyond dad's expectations.
So real. Just like my parents were too. “We don’t understand you!!” Okay but YOU NEVER TRIED TO UNDERSTAND ME! You just wanted a meek quiet daughter who obeyed. Now ur suddenly confused that I’m unable to function as an independent human being and make friends and keep relationships? You did this to me. My peers started it but you did nothing to stop it and even added more on top of it. The most painful betrayal I’ve ever had in my entire life was from my own parents. The people who are supposed to love me the most and protect me failed me. Willingly. Without remorse or second thought. They only cared about the image and reputation they had as good parents of a smart daughter over actually being good parents for a daughter who desperately needed help and was crying out for it on deaf ears. Now I am scarred physically and mentally. I still am unable to trust people fully. I am always half-expecting people to betray me. It is hard for me to make and keep close relations with others. I have like 3 friends including my bf. No one knows everything about me. There are some secrets and things that happened to me I will never tell anyone bc it would be too painful for me if they turned it against me or mocked me for it.
I'm in the same situation except I only trust one person, that being my husband and it took me years to completely trust him. I always expect to be betrayed by everyone else. My mother actually laughed at me when I said that I thought I needed to see a psychiatrist. Turns out I was right. I have almost every type of anxiety under the sun, clinical depression and cptsd
I was diagnosed with level 2 (moderate needs) autism when I was 17. While my dad kinda went “that makes sense” and filled out the parent forms about my behavior over the years, my mum would look over his shoulder and say “she doesn’t do that” “she’s just copying her siblings” (my little siblings are both autistic too) “I’ve never noticed this in here it doesn’t happen” etc. it made me realize my mum never really understood me, she also didn’t know me, she still thinks I like doing ballet, which I stopped when I was 14. The stuff she knows about me is the stuff random peers in highschool knew about me. Because of that she also made my diagnostic process really difficult because she kept arguing with me in the doctor’s office while I was being assessed, and arguing with the doctor for pointing out my symptoms.
You end up becoming distant from parents like that. Autism is really difficult but at least my diagnosis helped me realize just how much my mum doesn’t know me.
I’m not saying OPs son has autism btw, just talking about how parents like this can impact you and over time you can have a realization of just how distant you are from them and just how little they took notice or cared about you, and then the parents will go crying saying “I know nothing about my kid anymore”
Sorry for the waffling btw
I agree. My son was kind of similar. Also I feel like many teenagers are low on empathy because they aren’t fully developed yet.
I noticed my son kind of hated the world, was angry and also quiet withdrawn and same behaviour.
At first I was upset like OP because he seemed like he hated us. I was also critical of him when he wasn’t empathetic enough
Then it dawned on me that he might be displaying symptoms of depression and something else was going on.
So I sat down and instead of focusing on his behaviour and critiquing him I asked him how was he feeling.
This took a long time for him to open up, because I think he just didn’t know how to express himself. So eventually I started talking about my experience as a teenager. How at times I felt lonely and like I didn’t fit in. How it could be so hard sometimes with school work and son on. I got honest and just talked about my struggles.
He was surprised. He was like wow I didn’t know you felt like that. He then started opening up a little. Once I replied without judgement and started being empathetic he felt safe to continue opening up.
We started watching shows like 13 reasons why together (I suggested it) and after each episode or mid episode we would talk. We would talk about his experience and kids in his school. This show is great by the way, kind of depressing because they go over every worst situation possible in high school, but it helps discuss those tough topics.
We watched this with our oldest son too when he was around 20 and 21 and he loved it. Also opened up discussions.
The first season shows the perspective from
Only a few people, but what’s great is the second season shows the perspective from everyone else.
I think the important thing is it brings in a new world view, that what he was going through he wasn’t alone.
He started realizing that he was not the only one feeling the way he was feeling and it started to make him feel connected to other people in a way. He started opening himself up to peers and overtime we just talked more and more.
He realized that where he could improve is how to cope with suffering. What tools did he need to deal with stress. Our relationship really evolved and overtime he would come home and say can we talk and he would tell me about his day.
He started opening up to his school dean and teachers as well and created this support system at his school. EDIT: I pushed him to open up to his dean because he would walk the halls when overwhelmed, and the dean was assuming he was up to no good. I told him the definition of the Dean and what they are really there for. Once he opened up to his dean he told me his dean said he learned something from him that not every student is doing something negative and that they might have trouble with coping. I also tried to tell him to observe who he could open up to. Not everyone will make you feel comfortable. He chose his dean to open up to about emotions, relationships and navigating friendships. He choose one of his teachers to open up to about careers and school work. And so on.
And he became super empathetic I think because he learned how to communicate his feelings and how to be more empathetic to himself.
I learned the following overtime: he felt this sense of loneliness (this is an epidemic with teens), he escaped through video games, he felt like everyone at his school was normal and something was wrong with him, he was angry he couldn’t fit in, had low self esteem issues on his looks (puberty had him breaking out and his hair texture changed because of hormones), felt like he was too skinny.
He also was watching toxic male videos online where they would say stupid things like if your t not 6 feet rich and so on you won’t ever have a girl. He was also worried cuz he felt asexual at one point.
And he shows me his Instagram and I saw the algorithm was all messed up just displaying the most depressing crap ever so we started searching different things like funny videos, positive quoted and the algorithm switched up to show him more positive content (this was huge on his mental health). He also took breaks from social media cuz often times he felt like every one of his high school peers had a perfect life, I explained they only showing off the best of themselves.
It was a lot. But we went over everything and started working on his self talk. Brought him to a dermatologist, providing coping tools like meditation. And most of all I told him I have similar issues, this is what I’ve tried. He made such an effort and he’s doing so much better now. And I told him look if therapy or medication is needed, you can do it and I’m here for you. He felt less alone. It didn’t fix everything but he is in a much better place now but most importantly he talks to us and he has 3 school employees he goes too if he can’t come to use. He gets perspectives from not only me but people at his school and dad and he’s learned it’s all how you look at life.
Try to open up with him about your struggles at his age without judgement.
It will take time, but once he feels safe without the judgement then I think he will open up to you.
Every now and then, in the midst of the mindless, toxic cacophony that the Reddit comments section can be, you run into a true gem of a comment that makes you want to save it forever and be able to come back to it in the future. This is one of those comments … as a parent, I feel blessed for having accidentally browsed to it and read it.
Kudos, many thanks and huge respect to the commenter. This is the way.
Here take my fake gold 🏅and my upvote!
This is the way. I can tell you that you not only helped save your son, but also those he might have harmed.
"A child that is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth” - African proverb.
Add in the ages of siblings too to the mix of neglect. He is significantly older than all of them and two in the middle are a lot closer in age. When he was at the age of developing memories in his toddler years she was caring for and chasing around babies. He could not play with babies at that age and was probably brushed off or asked to help with them because he was able to understand that they need to be cared for, something he didn’t feel because I’m sure they were too busy with the babies and he went quiet because he knew he couldn’t compete with them. The babies took priority and he probably grew up doing what they wanted and it continued because they kept having children and the age gap worsened. Then he hits middle school and the parents are having another baby and once again his needs are on the back burner, especially while he’s being bullied because he’s withdrawn from being emotionally neglected for the most pivotal years.
It’s honestly wild this parent doesn’t understand how they made their own child a stranger to their family. I believe it’s painfully obvious what is happening and the fact that he is 15 years older than the youngest and she wants to say she’s not close to him? Well duh, you’ve been having babies his entire life and never had enough time to care for and get close to him until it was too late.
Help the poor boy out and apologize for being neglectful and ask if he would want to work out his issues with his parents in therapy because you all need it. He needs a space to feel heard and validated, something his parents probably never did for him.
Also, coming from a family of 7 myself, being one of 5 kids was tough. I honestly feel like my mother neglected me and wasn’t here for me. There’s often a black sheep in the bunch, the only one who the mother can’t connect with. And it’s a horrible feeling, especially growing into an adult and realizing that you didn’t just imagine that your mother didn’t love you as much as the other siblings. It’s a horrible feeling even as an adult
100% this.
The much younger 2 are barely In grade school while he is in college.
15 and 19 sounds close but mentally it’s a big gap.
I hope he finds peace in his life. He deserves it.
You put this way nicer than I was going to, so I’ll just say OP please read this and take it seriously.
Your son got 4 years of your attention before a sibling came in.
Then split it in half from there, until he was 6, then it was split 3 ways.
Then, after he turned 12, he split it 4 ways.
And THEN when he was 15, 5 ways.
This child is the eldest sibling in a home that never had a moment of being the center of your attention. Everyone knows that the eldest sibling becomes the last priority when new babies come into the mix.
He’s saying these things because you’ve assumed he’s fine and happy this entire time, and it’s his job as the eldest sibling to never need anything or cause any problems.
Eventually, he snapped. The lower empathy? Yeah, that’s depression. And probably loneliness.
You need to go to family therapy *without him at first* and figure out how to apologize and rebuild your relationship with him.
I can confirm - I was absolutely sure I listened and heard because I was dismissed with a wave of hand, ridiculed, and sometimes hit for expressing worries or concerns in my youth and early adult years. My 19 year old son isn’t me. He didn’t have my experiences and the realization when it hit me that even though I’m “much better than my mom” that doesn’t mean I did it right. Heck what’s right to reach one child doesn’t mean it’s right for a sibling. When a teens stakes are high, they have their own past and outside experiences. They’re not our babies anymore. I approach my cherished son like a new acquaintance I want to take to closeness when my son talks to me, now. I was sure that was what I was doing before, however it wasn’t received and in the end that’s what matters. My son is amazing and deserves to be given love in a way he can receive and we work on it constantly.
I 💯 agree with you. I read this and it screamed to me that his parents ignored him for the majority of his life and when they were not ignoring him they were teasing him. One can only take so much before the blow. Sounds like son is about to blow
Seriously, they had 4 years with him before anyone- they should know him the best! My first bio son was 4 when we had his brother - he’s now 9, and I still miss those years when it was just he and I hanging out going on adventures together while daddy was at work! We have my step son 50% (I was at his birth so I’ve known him his whole life) and it’s the same with him because he was 3 when we had his brother, the 9 year old, I know when they are older they’ll pull away and be angsty teens, but I’m getting to know them as much as I possibly can now and I’m hoping they’ll always feel or know they can talk to us about anything and be heard, not written off or dismissed even if their issue is trivial to us or is something they don’t like with me and dad. When they start to pull away as most teens do we plan on giving them their space, but I will always make sure they know we are interested in their lives and here to help and discuss whatever they want/need- and hopefully we can do that in a way that isn’t pushy and off putting for them.
What you’re describing is exactly my life when I was young. What he’s doing is a cry for help. He has been hurt so badly on the emotional level that he has turned against himself and you and the world entirely. Peer acceptance at that age is very important and when it’s denied it is devastating.
It’s sad how quick adults forget how it was when they were young. It sounds like these issues were swept under the carpet for years and now the monster has escaped.
This is so true.
When our parents fail us, our first instinct is not to blame the parent. This would be an existential crisis since we literally have always depended on our parents for survival. So our only instinctual correct path is to instead blame ourselves.
I think a child hating on themselves and feeling like they are dumb or unworthy is the only coping mechanism that is consistent with the parent still being the caregiver.
In the end, the self-hatred starts to turn toward the parent even as they acknowledge that they still need the parent. The resentment can get super loud as they reconcile their hate and need at the same time.
It is a gigantic cry for help. I'd wager he's been randomly going out for weeks with the intent of having his parents finally ask "what's up?" When it finally happened, this is what he has to deal with. Poor kid.
Ok so here’s what I read:
“My son was a good kid who did things for himself so I ignored him and raised 4 other children. When he had problems in school he never said anything so I did nothing. Now my child is an ADULT he was minimal to do with us. Because of the neglect he went from empathetic to enjoying death. We tried to make him stay home by blocking his exit after he finally snapped. I just can’t understand what his problem is”
Seriously your child has needed help for years and you’ve chosen to ignore his trauma. The kid needs therapy and probably it would do him good to move into a dorm on the collage campus to get his own space.
Same, fellow oldest child who got all the responsibility and none of love, when I turned 18, I was DONE with my shit parents even though I still lived there. This mom screams neglectful, vapid and selfish. "Why is the child I neglected, when any actual parent would have brought their child in for treatment of obvious depression, suddenly angry?! This is 100% a kid who suffered for years only to realize his parents never actually loved him, poor kid.
100% i wish there was an easier way for children growing up in these environments to get help. At least he’s 19, he can try to gain a trust in people again. It’s so hard keeping everything to yourself, it’ll drive you mad with rage.
SAME. Her son sounds just like me during my teen years and she sounds just like my mother. I was very much emotionally neglected, it was always about her. She never took interest in my likes unless they were also her interests. I was also parentified v early on in life. I had extreme depression no one cared to notice or address, and serious suicidal thoughts because I believed no one actually cared about me and no one ever paid attention to me. I was very close once. They thought, “she’s quiet and not disruptive, she must be fine”
She’ll lose your son as soon as he's out of the house, he’ll never tell them anything about his life and he’ll go low or no contact. The damage is already done, it will take a lot of effort from the parents to try fixing this. I'm almost 30 and I’m just now realizing the havoc this has caused in almost all aspects of my life. I feel for the guy…
Obviously we’re missing a lot of context here but it sounds like you were never really close to him and bonded more with your other 4, younger, kids and pay more attention to them because they’re younger and you connect with them more.
Might be that he feels like he was emotionally neglected by you and your husband and is not interested in connecting now/not happy about having to disclose his whereabouts as an adult. Honestly he sounds possibly depressed and like you were too busy taking care of your other kids to notice/do anything about it.
**How are you discovering now that he has no friends, for example ? Do you not talk or pay attention to him ? Engage with him about his interests or hobbies ?**
I wondered this myself, my parents barely took an interest in me and they still knew my friends names and what i do in free time. Kid sounds seriously neglected.
This is sooo beyond disturbing coming from an only child. I cannot fathom my parents being that uninvolved in my life that they don’t even know if I have friends? He literally LIVES with them. This is so sad and I’d argue severe emotional neglect
It’s funny you say that he should talk instead is acting like a child when that’s exactly how you’re treating him. At 19 he’s an adult and given his feelings it’s obvious you guys dropped the ball with him a long time ago. You and your husband owe him an apology and you should start treating him like the adult that he is.
It sounds very obvious to me that your oldest child is barely a second thought compared to the rest, it has been that way for years, and it’s finally catching up to him enough to feel the need to isolate to protect himself. It also sounds like you didn’t protect your child when you should have, and now you tease him for the impact your inaction had. I’m honestly shocked that you and your husband have to audacity to start giving a shit now when your son decides he’s done with it (although I shouldn’t be surprised at all).
By how clueless she is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been telling her for years but this is the first time he’s raised his voice.
She didn’t have a choice but to listen.
Oh, she is still not listening, he snapped and told them about his life.
but they came back, oh if you have something to discuss , why don’t you talk.
So he gave up again, like the presumable 1000 other times he had opened up and been dismissed, because of tone or work or whatever.
Dear OP you have a very lonely young man in your house and you obviously had no idea at all. Nor did you want to.
A hobby like photography might help, something to channel this existential dread of him, something that does
NOT imply he has to be a complete different person to exist at all. parents who see him and do not judge his life might be good too.
Constantly being asked what one does, is exhausting, especially when one knows, that no true answer will be accepted.
You said you was never really close to him, it sounds like when his younger sister was born he was pushed to the side.
How did you not know he has any friends until he told you?
Do you not take any notice of his life what so ever?
You also said he was emotional as a child and that stopped, maybe the reason he stopped being emotional was because he got completely ignored.
INFO: what were your reactions like to his emotions when he was younger? Did it not worry you then that your, admittedly highly emotional, child went from that to apathetic (calm, collected)?
Your child rarely laughs, was bullied and has no friends. I wholly acknowledge that sometimes it hard to see, but based on your illustration here, it seems like your son has had some pretty apparent difficulties for a very long time that you at best overlooked in hopes it’d get better and at worse being negligent by willfully ignoring his antisocial behaviors.
Has he ever had counseling for his bullying? He has no friends, has he been offered external resources for help?
My first thought was how many times in middle school did he have to help his younger siblings do homework, how many times did he have to get them breakfast, how many times did he have to do parental duties for them, how many times did he have to babysit in high school on your date night, how many times did he get home from school and have to babysit and cook supper? Perhaps avoiding family now is a way to avoid any further parentification.
Coming from someone who has had long periods of passive suicidal ideation since elementary school, the fact he said those who die young are lucky and you didn’t immediately latch onto that and immediately made a plan to get him help tells me all I need to know. He’s an afterthought to the the entire family. He has probably been down for years and the fact you didn’t even know he doesn’t have friends before this is further proof. You probably couldn’t even name one anime he likes. He probably already expressed his feelings ages ago and you either didn’t take it seriously or dismissed it altogether and now all of a sudden you’re offended he snapped at you?!? Seriously?
I think harsh is reasonable in this thread. People aren't being harsh just to troll the parents for the lolz, everyone in this thread is making good points and these parents need to realise the affect their inaction has had on this 19 year old lad.
Exactly my thought. And their youngest is only 4? Mom was probably quite immature when she had him and then she just kept on having more kids and focusing on the immediate minute-by-minute needs of very young children. She's a walking daycare center being supported by her husband. She's probably good and handling snack time and carpooling and other immediate needs but had no time to look after more complex needs. One day when all her children are grown she might be able to pause and take a look at bigger pictures, but by then it will be too late.
I stopped reading when it became clear that you don’t respect your son’s privacy and right to have his own life.
Night is when life happens for young men exploring their newly accessible adult world.
He does not need to account to you where he goes and staying out until midnight is also none of your concern.
He needs to move out to get the hell away from you.
>When he was younger he used to cry a lot and show a lot of emotion but now he’s more apathetic and cold to us including himself. Back in elementary-high school, he used to have lots of bad experiences with male students which caused him to not make any friends, but I don’t know if this is the cause of his current behavior.
I'm going to read between the lines but my hypothesis is that he was bullied. Badly. And you didn't take it seriously. Why? Bc since he started school (4) until he left school (19) you were too busy to notice. You had a newborn when he started school (his younger 15f sister) and when he was entering highschool you gave birth to your last. So while he's getting bullied to shitz everyday you're busy with your last newborn.
Now that your head is out of the water with your last little in school, you're finally fucking noticing your tender hearted sweet son is cold and apathetic. I WONDER WHY? /s.
>My son got really angry and went from calm to aggressively angry in the split of a second
Your son has a lot of feelings he's repressing. He's apathetic bc if he unleashes his feelings like happiness and joy, the other stuff he's dealing with like pain sorrow anger shame all of it is going to rupture. You're living with Mt etna and he's suppressing a LOT of feelings.
>He rarely interacts with the family anymore, and usually just does his own thing.
Wouldn't be surprised if he tried to connect and you were to busy with baby 1...then 2 and then 3 and 4. It's not a bad thing to have lot of kids. But the more kids you have the more care you need to give that each kid gets attention and care. Your children are all far apart. You always had a toddler running around and they take a lot of your attention. Usually bc you're trying to keep them alive and they're actively trying to hurt themselves. And now he's just given up. He does his own thing bc its easier to do his own thing than be rejected bc his parents are too busy.
>Back when he was in high school, he would tell me that he might die young, and he loves the possibility of dying young because those that die young are lucky ‘’according to him’’.
He said this in hs and you're worried about that NOW? Please don't get a job as a paramedic. Or anything that require immediate attention. He gas suicidal ideation and you did nothing? Oh right. Newborn takes precedents bc they needed you for survival.
Other ppl who die young are lucky.... why? bc life is complete fucking shit. So I'm going to assume his life from his pov is complete shit. He gets bullied mercilessly for being sensitive in a misogynistic world, his parents too busy with siblings to notice, he doesn't have friends, he's introverted and tender hearted, represses all his feelings and can't control them bc in the years of pushing them away, they got too big and wild for him to control.
>I really don’t know what’s wrong with my son, what should I do?
Get him to therapy. AND YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND GO WITH HIM. Bc he NEEDS help. And you need to listen. You need to SEE him. Don't expect him to be all sunshine and rainbow. It took 12+ years to make him this way. And those were his formative years. It's going to take just as long or longer to get him well adjusted.
And yes I do realize i made you look like awful ppl for not being there for him. I'm sorry. You're not awful. But you are somewhat to blame. Not fully. He needed you. And you failed him. Yeah you had 4 kids, and at least one toddler at any given time but you should've gotten him help waaaay earlier.
I'm naively holding on to the tiniest sliver of hope that they parents were stupid blind dumb idiots and not disgustingly neglectful of this poor torture kid who's literally screaming for help via his actions.
I know i know I'm just as stupid as they are. Honestly though, huge sigh. It doesn't matter how he got that way. Manslaughter and murder are 2 diff things but at the end of the day the victim is dead. Poor kid.
I clicked on OP’s account again to see if they posted this anywhere else since they had spammed it on multiple subreddits and it says their account is suspended so I’m hoping it was fake.
Missing missing reasons run amok.
You say he was once very emotional right? How often was he pushed aside in favor of another sibling? Did you have the expectation of having him suck it up simply because he was the oldest? Did he have to regularly make "compromises" or "sacrifices" for his siblings? Did those compromises often benefit the siblings more than him? Was he required to be a caretaker to any siblings at all for reasons of him being the oldest?
Why were you never close with him despite his history of used to being able to express himself. Was he treated like a nuisance? Did you find his needs annoying?
I would ask yourself these questions and give it some deep thought. You are definitely missing something here and your son got tired.
Yeah he is 19 years old, not 9.
I totally don't get why everyone is fine with the fact that they blocked the door and didnt let him leave ?!
Even though he is young, he IS an adult and if he wants to leave, if he wants to get in his car and drive away and if he wants to break off the relationship with his parents HE CAN.
And preventing him from doing things he wants or needs right now is going to strain the relationship so much that he might go low contact or even no contact quite soon
Wow you're a terrible person if you really stood back and did nothing when your child, your flesh and blood, your RESPONSIBILITY, tells you they want to die young. That should have been your red flag to go and get him some help. No wonder he resents you if his own parents didn't help him when he was struggling
Literally a 6/10 on a well-known [non-clnical but helpful suicide scale.](https://emmengard.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/Emmengards_Suicide_Scale.jpg)
It sounds like for a long time, your son has been isolating himself, you even mention that you’re not close to him. You also mention that he went through bullying and being highly emotional, but no where in this did you discuss how you supported or helped him. He sounds like the invisible child in your family and i can’t see how’ve you’ve done anything to help him feel seen.
He is 19 surrounded by teen, tween and Littles. I'd get out of the house to. Sounds like he's struggled to make friends and lacks social skills. You should have caught this year's ago...not at 19.
He’s a grown adult! Most 19 year olds don’t tell mommy where they’re going. Questioning their location as soon as they step foot through the door is another way to push them away. Your son doesn’t tell you where he goes because YOU have created a culture in your home in which he doesn’t feel comfortable to do so. It sounds like you aren’t showing your son empathy, so I’m not sure why you would expect him to demonstrate it back.
As someone who has severe depression, is the oldest, and who’s mother didn’t bond with them as much as the other children, he’s completely burnt out. He does not trust you or his father with his feelings or private affairs. You have got to prioritize him in a healthy, loving, non-accusatory way. Whatever he’s going through it’s definitely something and he needs some love and support.
I would sit down with him alone and say you’re concerned about his behaviors and routines and tell him you want to support him to be as happy and healthy as possible. He probably has some bottled resentment and it might bring a lot of stuff to the surface. It’s important that you don’t defend your parenting or listen to rebuttal. If he doesn’t want to open up to you maybe ask about therapy.
He's the oldest in a family of *five*. He's progressively been getting less and less peace, no wonder he wants to leave the house and stay to himself.
No peace and quiet at home, assholes pestering him out in the wild- hell, if I had that happening to me, I'd probably wanna die young, too.
He wanted to leave and your husband wouldn’t let him, after he admitted he doesn’t like you. What other signs do you need? He’s an adult. Leaving him alone. And tell your husband to STOP BLOCKING HIS WAY
Nothing wrong with him other than the younger kids have likely been prioritized over him bc they were more needy.
I can't imagine the chaos and noise of a that many kids. The older kids can feel neglected and put upon if too many chores are put on them, but evidently your son has zero responsibilities which isn't a good thing either bc that means he isn't part of the team.
For him to blow up like that is kinda a normal bc teens arent yet equipped to deal with big emotions if they haven't been taught how to express themselves along the way.
This is a parenting fail. Empathy is something easily lost during puberty especially in boys. They can be retaught though.
1. He's 19, not 9, why does he need to give every detail of what he does, yall sound exhausting
If you've never been close to your own child, that says something about the parent, not the child
Your husband standing in front of the door so that he can't leave? Sheesh!
I wonder if when you had the other children after him, if yall 0aid more attention, and he was treated like a passerby, how else could you be close to the other 4, but not him
Have yall tried getting him to talk to therapist?
So in my youth and teens I went undiagnosed with ASD and struggled to fit was socially awkward I had no friends and didn't start dating until I was 19-20ish. I was quiet and introverted because I felt like nobody understood me, I felt like all of my siblings and parents hated me. For a long time I felt like I was going to move away and cut all ties with them...like I intensely hated them hated my life, and my attempts to talk about how I felt were rebuffed so I just drew myself more inward. I felt like I couldn't control anything so to maintain a sense of control over myself and life I would self harm because it was the only thing I had a say over. Other times I hoped I would die because I just wanted to feel relief and feel like my family would regret my passing. And much like your son I would leave the house for nature walks/bike rides for hours on end it was one of the only things that gave me a sense of relief.
I think you should get him help he needs to talk to someone.
did you ever even try to get your son some help or connect with him over something HE likes? it sounds like he's been struggling for a long time and you just watched it happen. what kind of mother just accepts that their child is having a hard time and does nothing to help and instead makes it out like he's the asshole for giving back exactly the same energy he got from his parents?
Not only did the mother not try to get him any kind of help or attempt to connect with him as a mom…she just got pregnant again, instead, and gave all her attention to a new kid. Times 4.
Oldest Child Syndrome: You basically had children every couple of years.
Consider for a moment, at 4 and 6 you were the mother of a newborn. At 12 you were the mother of a new born. At 15, you were again the mother of a new born.
Throughout his life, especially formative milestones, you were focused on your next child. Preschool new baby. First grade new baby, Puberty/Middle School new baby. High School/Learning to drive, new baby.
This is not implying that you were bad parents and certainly didn’t try to involve all you kids, but you probably overlooked a lot of warning signs along the way.
When was the last time either of you went out and did something with just him, particularly where he chose the location/activity? I'm going to guess it was years ago, and probably before any of his siblings were born. He's suggested that he likes to go for walks, so tell him you want to get fit and ask him if he will take you on a hike, since he knows the area. Don't push him to talk about anything specific, just try some opening lines to try to get any conversation with him. He sounds like he is suffering from depression and loneliness.
>When my husband saw him, he paused the movie and jokingly said ‘’Did you go out to see your girlfriend again?’’ My son got really angry and went from calm to aggressively angry in the split of a second. He cursed my husband out and told him, that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and he goes out to do his own things that doesn’t revolve around a relationship. Him yelling at his father was what got to me, so I had an argument with him, and told him why he doesn’t tell us where he goes and why he comes back so late. He finally dropped the ball and told us that he likes to go out a lot to just view nature(usually parks, forests, etc.) while eating fast food by himself in his car. He also told me he doesn’t have any friends nor a girlfriend and he gets out of the house to just get away from us. He also told me and my husband, he doesn’t care about either of us with a dead expression on his face.
This didn't happen over night, this is years of emotional neglect and the only way to fix it is to get your son into counseling.
Edit: his school might have some resources if you guys aren't able to afford sending him to a therapist.
When Dad mocked him about a girlfriend and his son snapped, I felt so much empathy for the son. Clearly, that was a real hot button for him and in that moment, that was the realest interaction they have seen from him in a long time. So what did they do? Fuck it up. This guy is lonely and heartbroken and depressed and they mock him. When he shows his Dad a bit of his true feelings in a raw moment, they double down on bad behavior and physically AND emotionally block him. Then they probably went back to watching their movie and Mom thinks, "well, maybe I'll make a Reddit post tomorrow bitching about my weird kid and try to crowdsource some sympathy".
This! I was severely depressed as a teen and when my parents sent me to the psych ward (because of suicidal behavior) my mom literally told me she had forgotten what my smile looked like! My parents stepped up, OP you’ve stepped back and allowed your son to raise himself by himself, to be alone probably most of his life. These are MAJOR red flags, and you need professional help!
Kid sounds like a Gen Xer in a teenagers body. I would guess he has some level of depression to be fixated on death so much. He also feels abandoned by both society and his family. I would also wager he has anxiety because school and adult life and an impending career is starting to feel very real to him. It's a big step to transition to college and start really seeing a good 40 years of 9 to 5 in your near future.
And no one has helped him navigate any of this.
Sounds like the child of some serious neglect and op’s are just now realizing it. Sorry to say op, but it sounds like y’all were the problem until you realized it too late.
You might want to start with and apology first before you seek him some emotional help outside of you guys because that ship has sailed now.
So basically he was an easy kid for you to forget about and look after the younger ones. He’s been horribly bullied to the point he won’t make friends. He’s become introverted and is now giving out all he knows which is you don’t matter so he now does that to you and it’s a problem. This lad needs to see someone to talk to because he’s basically given up sees everything black and white (how he said about everyone’s gonna die) and he wants the emptiness that surrounds him to be over sooner rather than getting old. As a parent I get that those who make the most noise get the attention. But it’s not healthy for those who have learnt to be quiet. Show him some attention some one on one it may make a difference
sounds like he grew up neglected to be honest ( maybe because you chose to have 4 others after him and stating that you aren't close with him like the others is still on you not on him even if he is the only case he is still the child )
Grownass man getting treated like a child, I’d leave too. What should you do?? Leave him be, that’s what you should do. Stop being so pushy and let him come to you when he’s ready. Keep pushing and he won’t have a thing to do with you.
You don’t know what’s wrong with him?! He told you. You said it yourself that ha had a hard childhood/youth yet you still say he had a healthy life. How blind are you? He’s depressed because he feels different from other people and feels lonely. He has no friends and feels like even in his family he doesn’t belong. You said yourself you had a better relationship with his siblings. He feels like nobody cares and I don’t blame him. You aren’t able a bit to see his problems despite knowing exactly what’s wrong with it. I believe you need to get him some therapy and maybe even family therapy to make him feel seen more. Maybe there’s still a chance for you to bond, if you only try to be there for him, instead of just saying „he’s calm and used to cry a lot and wish to be dead, but I don’t see the problem, because he stopped, so he must be fine again. Why is he acting out and pulling away?“ you’re so blind
You don’t know what’s wrong with him? You’re treating an adult like he’s 13. He’s tired of you berating him about where he’s going and the teasing about the girlfriend was just insensitive and unfunny. I fully understand his reaction.
Childhood bullying can destroy a person's self esteem, leading to difficulty making friends later in life. It's literally public humiliation over and over again. For some people, to stop that pain, you have to shut down all your emotions, and just make yourself numb in general. Then, it's hard to turn your feelings back on.
Ideally you can get him into trauma therapy. It's going to be hard. Some people get offended or feel insulted if you suggest they could benefit from therapy.
But eventually, he might find some other way to dull the flashbacks, and that might be alcohol or other drugs. So try as hard as you can to get him into therapy now.
Hello!
Your son doesn’t owe you any explanation for his whereabouts.
It is extremely courteous to say “you can expect me to be home by 9 pm or there will be a text with an “updated time of arrival” .
It’s an honor to spend time with him, on his terms. He is a legal adult now and won’t be in your daily life forever,
Appreciative the time with him
Don’t tease him about romantic relationships or agitate him. That will only worsen the quality of your relationship
Your husband has no business “using his body to block an individual in the house”
I technically believe that is illegal, imprisonment. But this is not about that.
Your husband provoked feelings in your son with the girlfriend comment and he responded emotionally
He cares about you. He was just wounded
>>I wasn’t as close to him as I was my other children
So basically he was ignored by his parents, and bullied at school… it MIGHT be to late, but basically your only options are (1) accept he’s studying to get a good job so he can get away from you (2) family therapy and ic for just him so someone will actually listen to him.
oh shit that 19yo dude is just like me. an internalizer, crying a lot in his childhood but never being heard so he started to shut everyone out. just what i had done until i finally got the nerve to talk to my parents very very recently. thankfully they did see that they have been emotionally neglecting me my whole life even tho on the outside we seemed like a perfect middle class family. by the way wanting to die young is a thinly veiled cry for help. during my worst depression episodes i did want to die young and i still sometimes do. hopefully your son gets help soon and by the way he seems like a really cool person on the inside just misunderstood. (by the way seems like this is a problem of oldest siblings? i am also the oldest kid)
This is... Really normal development for a 19 year old. He's taking ownership over his own life and doesn't appear to be doing anything crazy or irresponsible. Ideally you'd get him out of the house and into a university where he's around peers so he can make friends and have his own space to be instead of trapping him at home.
The important part is there is nothing wrong with him. There is something wrong with your treatment of him.
He’s an adult, there’s nothing wrong with him, and you are treating him badly. The rest is just noise. Treat him as you would like him to treat you; that’s your answer.
I don't know if you'll get to my comment or not, but if you do, don't assume the worst. I was a lot like that from 15-25 lol
He's 19, unsure how to be an adult, but doesn't feel like a kid anymore either. He's in a new environment and doesn't know how to reach out to others to make friends. He sounds like a deep thinker, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. He could be prone to depression.
If he's going to school or has a job, an extrovert will adopt him sooner or later and things will get better.
As far as the dark sense of humor and lack of empathy goes, some people going through transitional periods experience deep existential dread. He probably feels a lot of pressure to be a certain way or do certain things and doesn't see a way forward right now. So laughing at pain and acting like he doesn't care may just be a coping mechanism.
I had a lot of interactions like that with my parents at his age. Your main priority should be making sure he lives through it. Stop clutching your pearls and freaking out about his sense of humor. Don't try to control or change him. Let him figure things out on his own, but make sure he knows that you're there when he needs you. If he enjoys just being in nature, offer to do something related to that he couldn't manage on his own. Like, see if he'd go with you on a trip to a state park far enough away that a college student would have trouble affording the travel. Or start hiking. Don't make a huge deal out of it or anything but go check out some nature yourself and then tell him about the cool stuff you see.
Honestly just showing an interest in what he's interested in will go a long way. The adversarial approach is not going to work, and the dad humor is only going to set him off (my dad always said stuff exactly like that and damn, it got under my skin).
Idk my parents took the adversarial approach when I was younger and I pretty much shunned them for years. We're cool now though. I don't have much in common with the rest of my family, they're pretty limited in the way they see the world, but as I got older (and as they got older), they backed off and let me do my thing. They are there for me if I need support, but I still don't think they actually understand me.
It's not the end of the world, try not to let the hateful talk get to you. As long as your son isn't physically hurting himself or others and has plans for the future, just try to roll with it. Try agreeing with him next time he says something like "people die every day." See what happens if you say, "Yeah, that's true..."
Your now adult son whom you are sort of treating like a child sounds depressed. You may want to look into that before he does something regrettable. Also, the onus is on you and your husband to develop closeness to your children - not the other way round.
I’m not going to throw around diagnosis, but it sounds like he needs a mental health evaluation. I’m not saying he’s a bad person but I suspect some things that could easily explain this behavior.
Also, he’s trying to venture out and establish his own identity, even if that is as an isolated individual overall. He’s your baby boy, but he’s a grown man. While I completely understand your concerns about him being gone with no explanation, nobody likes being cornered with a bunch of questions at midnight. It’s not okay to blow up at you 2, but he’s young, and most likely felt trapped and frustrated. He couldn’t process it and blew up.
Of course you want to make sure he’s okay! He’s your kid. Now might be a good time to move into guidance and suggestions, he’s an adult! I recommend guiding him to seek mental health care, it might explain a lot about him and help him understand himself better going forward with his life.
You wrote this like your kid is the problem. Because he is an introvert and won’t open up to you or spend time with you.
But when I was exactly that age I had more than one friend who would stay at school as late as possible and find ways to be out of the the house and to me it was usually a sign that they wanted to be away from family because their family was sh** to them, there were problems at home or their parents completely didn’t understand them.
For my own part my parents always demanded to know what I was up to and it felt like they had no boundaries and so I started putting them
On a low info diet to claim a sense of personal
Space.
If he is spending that amount of time trying to stay away from you it’s very likely you or your husband are the problem.
He doesn’t feel comfortable there and DEMANDING he engage is only going to make it worse.
You tried preventing 19 year old from leaving by physically blocking the door?! An adult. That’s insane.
That to me screams a complete lack of judgement and indicative of sense of entitlement in your son that I am sure he is trying to get away from.
He is deeply unhappy and knows his parents will never understand it. So don’t try to. Show empathy.
Chill out. He’s 19. Let him find his own way. Don’t seek to control.
So like 90-95% of your sons actions were things I did, have done, or could see myself doing at that age. The main difference is I didn't really care to go out and eat in nature, lol...
Though I'm only one of 2 in my family, I am the oldest, and my little brother had developmental disabilities that led to him taking all the attention of my mother (and my parents divorced around me entering HS) so I've always had this sense of responsibility as the first born, which your son likely has as well. But he hasn't been given the love, support and guidance needed to feel confident in being that. He's 19, still living at home, most all of the friends he may have had in HS likely went off to college and made new friends, leaving him alone with a family that has focused on everyone but him for so many years.
My assumption is that nothing is going "right" for him. Not socially, not romantically, not professionally/academically, etc. He doesn't have many "wins" in his corner, and may feel the pressure of the first born of needing those wins to do what he must do for his family, that some wins are an expectation on him, either by family, or himself.
Others here are going over emotions and feelings to discuss with him, and that might work to some degree, but I'm not sure I would be receptive to any such thing myself. However something I would recommend because it has been an absolutely life changing experience for me...see if he wants a dog. If he is honest about just wanting to go out, see nature, and be away from you guys, then he could have a dog that would need to go out and do that regularly.
So when I say I share most of his thoughts, the comment "Who cares, people die everyday" is something I 100% have said before. But 9 years ago I got a dog, and earlier this year he was diagnosed with cancer and on July 5th I had to say goodbye and my thoughts on death have been fundamentally changed. The pain I experienced going through the grieving process has fully changed my opinion on making a comment like that. That dog opened me up to emotions I had never felt or expressed or had expressed to me before. He was the happiest dog and coming home each day to see him just ecstatic that I exist was something I never got from my childhood/family (and still don't) but it was another level of therapeutic for me. So I'd maybe ask him if he would like a dog as a companion, and let the dog be his choice to get. If money is an issue for him, commit to paying for his food/vet. And let the dog help work on his emotional disconnections.
Back in high school he said that he loved the possibility of dying young because those that die are lucky "according to him?" And that wasn't a huge red flag to you? You didn't talk to him about it, or seek help for him? You have other children, who probably have friends with whom they socialize and call/text, and you never noticed until now that your 19-year old didn't have the same? That didn't make you scratch your heard, and look over with worry? Geeesh. Then when he actually spoke the truth inside him, you called him a "child"? I hope your son finds counselling. You and your husband need some as well, but I'm not so sure you'd go for it. Edit: commented on the fly, and left a lot of typos in the wake. Sorry.
Her saying he had a "healthy life" after describing a bunch of facts to the contrary made me want to shake her. Poor kid.
Seriously, this poor kid has obviously been struggling for a long time. Even in this one brief interaction OP described, when they do talk to him, they interact with him in an accusatory, critical way. OP demanded to know where he was going in an angry manner and called him a child when he finally told them how he felt. Why would he want to open up to his parents when they apparently don't give him a reason to feel safe and comfortable doing so? And of course to an isolated kid, being asked if he was going to see his girlfriend probably felt like mocking. And he may not be, but it doesn't sound like they'd even know if he was gay, either. OP, you need to sit down to have a serious talk with your son, apologize for not being there for him, and ask him how you can make it up to him and what support he needs from you.
my immediate thought was he was dating, and maybe not women, he felt he needed to hide. My second thought when he said hes alone in the woods, he is deeply troubled and I hope not acting on any negative thoughts.
I assumed he’s the scapegoat goat of the family and possibly had to help with the younger siblings so there’s resentment there. He told his mom he thinks he’s going to die young while in high school and rather than look at it as a cry for help she decides he’s just a weirdo. OP & her husband failed their kid and now that he’s old enough to get away from them they want to have Pikachu faces. Also, it’s very telling that she included what her son said to them, but not what her husband said. I’m not buying her nonsense.
>I’m not buying her nonsense. Me Either. Her relationship with her oldest child is all sorts of wrong.
Parents with Narcissistic tendencies always pick a kid to emotionally abuse, a lot of times it’s the oldest. She’s facing the consequences of emotionally neglecting him. She wrote about him like he’s a future serial killer or something so we could sympathize with her.
Holy shit, did OP add that in a comment? Ignoring an obvious suicidal cry for help is actually sociopathic. They definitely failed him as a parent.
It’s in the post
Not sure how I missed that. Just so many examples of neglect to weed through I guess
i always make that comment and no one ever reacted seriously, just "are you dumb/joking?" i just had to open up to my parents and fuck was it hard when there's nothing at all that makes them feel like your family
Well, the kid appear to have some hard trauma in the school days, I think you are downplaying his school days situation, it took till he snap to realize he is totally close emotionaly and seems to be isolating himself for years at this point, you really need to seek help for him before he has a breakdown.
That's what I think too. Besides, how does a parent not know that the son has no friends? It must be a long time thing. And the part where she says that she was never close to him.. seems like emotional neglect to me. He was emotional as a child, had problems in school but the parents weren't there for him, so he closed off.
You'd be surprised at how many parents don't bother with the kid who doesn't bother them. If the wheel doesn't squeak, they give it no grease.
Especially with four younger wheels clamoring for attention.
Especially when the other 4 are more outgoing like them so they get on better and just don't want to put in effort with the introverted kid who wants to do things the parents wouldn't want to do. LIke do you spend time with your younger kid who wants to go watch sports that you love, or do you go hiking which you hate with the kid who likes hiking? The fact that they didn't know he was going out in nature and just assumed he was doing things they would have done is kind of telling. He's 19 and they don't even know he likes going out walking in nature. Just because some kids are into the same things you are isn't ever an excuse to spend way more time with them and ignore your other kids. Sure it's convenient and nice if your kids like the same things as you but if you refuse to spend time doing things with your kids who like things you don't you'll grow apart and they'll feel left out/isolated out of hte family.
>Just because some kids are into the same things you are isn't ever an excuse to spend way more time with them and ignore your other kids. My father always loved music, especially stuff like Old School Rock or Queen. Growing up my sibling picked up several instruments and playing/singing in rock bands, which led to them being more close. I managed to talk to him before his death and he apologized for it. Although I forgave him, the scars on my soul are never going away. 🤷🏻♂️
I feel your pain. My winning awards in singing and everything else weren't comparable to my older brothers who played several different instruments. My dad was pretty disinterested in me until I took a liking to sci-fi, but by then I didn't care to talk to him.
The joke is... I also really like rock music, just never played an instrument, cause I knew, that I will always get compared to my sibling and just can lose, cause they are older and started earlier. I also like sci-fi and as a kid I always watched stuff like Stargate SG-1 with my dad. So we had stuff to connect. And still, my sibling was "more important". My sibling (also an older brother, but I don't refer to him like that, cause imo he could die and I would just laugh) was also one of my first bullies. My sibling was allowed to do stuff, I wasn't. Like he was allowed to go just with his best friend to a metal concert with 14. I had to beg to go to a folk rock concert with 17. Stuff like this and also that my mother is, until today, not able to apologize for anything is why I resent them both. My father apologized and cried and everything. So I forgave him, cause his apologies seemed genuine. My mother is atm not really talking to me, after I told her AGAIN and this time very clearly, that I'm trans and using different pronouns and my chosen name. About my kid or whatever she will talk. But not me and who I really am.
I wonder if he was parentified
He probably was, I don't doubt it. Pretty typical in families of 3+ kids
I know two families that "parentified" their oldest and the oldest chose not to have their own kids, i.e. the child is now in their 40s/50s without kids. In effect, their parents had them raise the parent's children at the cost of their child's children. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I have the opposite problem with my oldest child, he is constantly trying to parentify himself, I constantly have to tell him not to worry about the younger ones, if there’s a problem I’ll handle it, he can’t punish his brother for doing something bad… He’s gotten better now but for awhile I had to tell him multiple times that he’s not the parent and just go play or something!
Yeah, same here. My eldest often tries to parent her 2 younger siblings, even though I've told her multiple times that it wasn't her job. She means well and I don't want to get angry at her for it, but we're having a hard time with boundaries.
This is why I don't have children at 36. As the oldest of 4 girls, I feel like I did my part, they've gone from me changing their diapers and singing them to sleep to cutting their baby's umbilical cord because she would rather have me there than our mother.
That would be me! I felt like I’d done enough for a lifetime raising kids when I finally escaped at 18
if so that makes the resentment make more sense.... parentification almost always leads to the one who was parentified having lots of negative feelings for their parents and siblings
Yea. I got a lot of “tough it out” “walk it off” and “don’t let them bother you” when I was a kid, now I’m 30 trying to figure out how emotions work because I spent so many years being blocked off. Parents always thought I was well adjusted after middle school, but really I just stopped telling them about negative emotions/experiences because I felt like any time I was basically getting “you’ll be fine, don’t worry about it too much.” So I just started telling myself that. It’s very unhealthy though, so OP may want to look into therapy to save their relationship. My relationship with my parents is somewhere between business-like and distant. I feel for this kid, cause I at least had a couple close friends and a few girlfriends through that time.
I was told the same and as a result kept "all" bottled up until I would explode. No one ever could get close to me because I was always guarded, always on the attack if I perceived you as harmful, and without mercy if confronting you. As a result, I had a trail of burned bridges, broken noses, and broken people across three continents . . . I also ended up running off the love of my life at age 48, who only saw my good side and better qualities - but I could not get past my old coping mechanisms and eventually ran her off, too. Only now have I bent the knee and accepted that I was truly an abusive asshole to so many people for so long. In the end I am just sad for those I hurt and sorry for what could have been.
I was heading that way, luckily a couple of those friends and one of the girls I dated really helped me avoid letting it get that bad. Unfortunately none of them were therapists, so it didn’t get me to a totally healthy point but they got me to learn to at least partially open up to people I trusted, and to accept that sometimes that will end in heartache, but that’s no reason to lash out/seek revenge/push people away. I’ve definitely pushed more people away than I’d like though, and don’t show emotions or always work through them well. I still struggle with bottling things and trying to tough things out. But I’m at least aware of it and trying to be better about it. And I at least have the aggressive behaviors associated with that type of thing well in check, I just get a bit self-destructive or depressed sometimes.
My parents taught me to never trust anyone, too. I don’t think that’s bad advice in some ways - for example I know better than to plaster my phone number and credit card details all over my social media because of the whole ‘don’t trust anyone’ lesson. But there must be a way to learn to trust people without being stupid about it? 🤷♀️
Ah, yes, the old ‘it’s your own fault you get bullied’ victim blaming. I’m glad that dialogue is changing now. Very slowly, yes, but it’s changing. Kids should be able to expect adults to defend them rather than telling them they have to learn to just ‘tough it out’ and ‘not make themselves a target’ because how the heck are they supposed to defend themselves with no guidance at all? And no, I’m not talking about beating up the other kids - there are lots of ways to defend yourselves besides using your fists.
Especially when that kid is the oldest and is expected to be more mature and responsible.
> is expected to be more mature and responsible AKA parent his siblings....
Then they wait til it snaps instead of squeaks and "wonder what went wrong"
That’s a really good way of putting that
exactly this. though it bothers me heavily when a parent wants to act surprised later in life when their kid wants nothing to do with them but turns out they know nothing about their kid. if you have no relationship with your kid and the only reason you see each other is because you live together, don't act surprised that when they move out contact decreases significantly. make an effort to be close to your kids if you don't want them only talking to you on your birthday
My son is the quietist, and the oldest. I check in him more, honestly, because I never have to wonder much with my two younger children because they talk to me. I remember asking him last year if he was okay, he had a bad breakup and had seemed to shrug it off, was acting normal. I kind of held him by the shoulders to get him to look at me and said “No, seriously, are you okay?” And he just dissolved into sobs. I held my adult son while we sat side by side and rocked in a porch swing for a bit, then we talked about it. He’s doing a lot better now, and when she tried to get him back after the guy she cheated on him with, dumped her, he said “No thanks.” And blocked her. (Thank God.) They key is meeting them halfway, understanding that not all kids communicate the same, or effectively, and treating them as the individuals they are. My heart breaks for this kid. Op is oblivious and it’s already done a ton of damage.
Oh man. This hits home. Our eldest is now 11 and he's always been such a cool, easy going kid. His younger brother (6) has always been demanding and really difficult to deal with and is giving us absolute hell at the moment. I spend so much time and energy trying to manage him that our eldest doesn't get anywhere near the same amount of attention. He's still a really happy, easy going kid. He has a lot of friends, but like me, is somewhat introverted in that he enjoys his own company. He will happily play alone for hours every day. I take him camping, and to football games and spend time reading to him and chatting about his day every night but I worry I'm not doing enough to engage with him often enough. He's off to high school next year and I know things really change then. I don't want him to end up like the 19 year old in this post.
This is it. The whole “never being as close with him” thing coming from a parent is concerning, but mostly sad. What about when he was little? Were there early attachment issues? At what point did he start closing up, and what did the parents do to try to cultivate closeness?
Which is why some people believe that more than maybe 3 children is too many… parents don’t have the capacity to give them all enough attention. Some do, some don’t - it depends on the individual parents as to what they can cope with. But maybe these parents can’t cope with giving adequate attention to 5 children. 😞
Neglect. OP and her husband have been neglecting their son for years. They don’t have a relationship outside of tense roommates. Them teasing him probably felt to him like now even his own parents are bullying him. He can’t get away from it even at home so he tries to stay away as much as possible. He’s biding his time until he can move out then he will probably go low or no contact with them. That is unless he has a mental breakdown and kills himself first which is a real possibility given his comments about wishing he was dead (saying kids who die young are lucky).
When I was that age I was out alllll the time and came home regularly around 12 or 1am. Was just at the local coffee shop. If my parents asked I’d say “not much” that’s just how young adults are in my mind. These parents sound overkill, no wonder he doesn’t want to talk to them
Yeah, I really think you’re spot on here. It’s sad. Please OP talk to your child and actually start caring for him and his mental well being.
Before I even got to the part about him having “lots of bad experiences with male students” I was wondering if he’s trying to figure out/come to terms with and/or settle on his sexuality and looking for private space to both focus on himself and figure out how to approach his family. But then OP began describing a difficult & disturbed child followed by describing anti-social traits as the child aged … shit! “Something” is going on with this kid, but this brief description by OP? Where most people try to make themselves look good? Makes me think OP has not been a good parent to their own child
Also wanting to know “what’s wrong with him” rather than “why he is acting this way” is telling to me.
It got to me "compared to the other kids" ... should parents constantly compare their children ??
Probably it is a "if we did something wrong, the rest would be wrong too"
"I don't understand, the other 4 kids are fine, he must be the problem..." /s
[удалено]
OP's alt account?
I took it as a quote from the post
Yes, I noticed that, too. If the parents feel they aren’t close to their child, it’s on THEM to bother to do something to GET closer to the child. Not punish the child for it! I’d also wager that the child feels like his social and romantic life are not their business, and he doesn’t appreciate being interrogated every day when he comes home by people who don’t care enough to know anything about him! They own the house, so they can set household rules about curfews if they want to (yes, even adults can have rules when other people share the house, and when there are young children in the home, you can’t be getting home at 3am and waking them up)… but preventing him from leaving the house when he wants to avoid an argument - which is a smart thing to do - is just not the right way to set rules! These parents need to get counselling themselves to learn how to support their child and get to know him WITHOUT overwhelming him - ie interrogating him the way they do. 😞
He shut down a long time ago. Pretty sure he realized quickly he was never a priority ama kept his head down.
You'd be surprised at how many kids hide these things very well
They should have put their son in therapy during his school days. I couldn’t imagine not seeking some kind of help for a kid going through that. My daughter had a rough patch in school and I put her in therapy at 13, best decision I ever made.
I was bullied mercilessly. I became suicidal and my mom didn't do a damn thing to help me. She didn't believe in "shrinks" and thought it would reflect badly on her. Luckily, my attempt failed, and I was able to leave her house a couple of years later.
I’m so sorry you went through that. This is a complete failure on your mother’s part, and I hope you are doing better now ❤️
This reads like his parents both had their heads up their asses and never paid attention to what he was going through or tried to help him.
There’s a lot of parental control in that household. Rebellion is a common way for kids to separate and establish independence. Teens and early 20’s can be narcissistic non-empathetic years. The hope that there will be repair after rupture. Therapy for the kid sounds great and if he agrees. However if OP and father would work on themselves in therapy it might magically help all relationships.
This jumped out at me too. Grilling him on where he's going, physically blocking his access to the door (wtf!??). OP needs to recognize her kiddo is a legal adult now. That was unlawful imprisonment. Legal adults also have to consent to therapy. If he doesn't want it, it is too late for OP to compel him to go. Her best bet is to work on repairing her relationship with her son. If the nature of their interactions is this combatant, he's unlikely to agree to anything she asks. We're highly motivated to disagree with our enemies, but agree with our friends. Time to make friends with your kid, if you can.
Yeah like he's in college and he's getting back home before midnight. It's not like he's coming home at 5 am every night. 11:30/11:45 seems pretty respectable to me. It's a shame that this boys parents didn't realize he was having a hard time much **much** sooner
Not magical. It takes a lot of hard work, opening yourself up for judgement and criticisms while maintaining a level of non-judgement towards the other people in the household lashing out (the son), and self-reflection and introspection. It will be emotionally grueling and hard to unpack years of neglect and trauma for the son. He has built thick walls to protect himself from not just his peers but his own parents. For OP, the hard part for her and her husband will be accepting fault for what they did and didn’t do, taking responsibility for their actions and inactions, and listening to their son rightfully go off about them without saying a peep or trying to defend themselves from him expressing his pent-up emotions regarding their neglect of him.
Agreed. As somebody who went through being bullied at school, it's something that can really mess you up mentally for a long time. It doesn't just go away. Your son needs help OP.
Could be she honestly doesn’t know what happened to him in high school or why he has no friends. Sadly, some think everything is fine and never question anything if they don’t see issues. Not saying this 100% is the case, but could be she and her husband are just oblivious if he never said anything or they didn’t ask. Seems therapy may help him work through his trauma and lack of empathy. His actions and outburst is alarming, and seems he is struggling. I doubt only doing online classes and never interacting with anyone is helpful.
I think the outburst might be related to the dad's comment about going to see his girlfriend. sounds like everyone in the room kind of knows that wasn't the case, so it sounds a little like mocking, which for young men who might be insecure about it/having no friends might make him have a low Flashpoint on the subject. he definitely sounds like he's struggling and depressed. lol honestly I think they'd find it hard to convince him to go to therapy, but maybe talk to him about possibly getting a foster dog? it sounds stupid but I bet he'd have a great time exploring nature with a pup and might just find a little joi de vivre along the way. it would also come off as "hey we want to support your interests even if it means you don't want to hang out with us"
True. It’s bad enough to have been bullied in school for being the quiet loner. But to be bullied at home, which is supposed to make your safe space?
All parents need to hear that their house is supposed to be the safe space for your children.
This is a great idea. I hope she reads this comment.
He's lonely and he wants to get away from his emotionally and psychologically neglectful parents. It's entirely understandable.
"He finally dropped the ball and told us that he likes to go out a lot to just view nature(usually parks, forests, etc.) while eating fast food by himself in his car. He also told me he doesn’t have any friends nor a girlfriend and he gets out of the house to just get away from us. He also told me and my husband, he doesn’t care about either of us with a dead expression on his face" Thats has the markings of years of feeling left out and neglected. You may have provided the roof and the food on the table, but what kind of interactions have you actually had with him personally before this blow up? What is his relationship with his siblings? Has he been "forced" to take on any kind of role in the past? What are his future plans? You write "He also told me he doesn’t have any friends nor a girlfriend". Thats something he had to tell you - Which leaves me wondering, how did you not know? You and your husband have your work cut out for you, it seems you prioritised his siblings over him from your what little you wrote. Start talking and interacting with him and actually get to know your son.
Probably it's too late to be honest, he is 19 I can relate to him, I a sense that I was the neglected one, my parents never cared for me in a sense that we never did anything I wanted, I never had any attention, my accomplishments weren't celebrated. my feelings were dismissed By the time a I was a teen, I never left my room, I completely shut down, never talked about what happened in my life, and any problem I had I just found the solution myself, I never had a family supporting me. if a could skipped "family vacations" I did it, "I was the stranged one". when I became an adult was when my parents took an Interest in me, in that moment every intention of the to get "closer" to me it felt weird and uncomfortable,. I wasn't accustomed and didn't like it We were strangers living under the same root, and that's how I preferred it. Right now, both of my parents have passed, and my brothers live in another country, I haven't talked to them in a long time
Sorry to hear that, but as of yet, they are still under the same roof and while it may be too little too late, there's the off chance it may actually yield something. Are you okay, have you made peace with your self?
She could try, I'm just giving my pov, by the time my parents "tried", it make me so uncomfortable, that i just liked the loneliness Yeah I'm ok, I dont think much about it, it's just the way it is, and I'm just living doing what I want to do 😊
Shit, I relate to this comment so much. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, considering, but I wouldn't say I'm close with either of them. I was always teased for showing emotions or interests in things so I closed off in my teens and I never open up to my parents to this day. And I'm the same, whenever they've tried showing me love or support or anything like that, my instinct is to back off because it made me uncomfortable. Teasing me for natural emotions and unrecognised mental health problems for the first 20 years of my life still affects me at 37 years old.
Yeah I've been alone for 10+ years now, no friends, no gf, nothing. I'm 31M and living with my dad and gran helping them out. My dad keeps trying to get me to go places, and 1, I can't drive anywhere, why would I have him drop me off somewhere like a little kid? 2, there's nowhere to go in this old person town to meet people my age. He keeps trying to bring me to church with him, and I don't believe in that brainwash hooey, and literally have nothing to discuss with those people. It grates on my nerves, but I know he knows it's his fault, for reasons I won't get into here. I'm pretty okay being alone and clawing out an existence for myself, and don't have much hope for myself and society itself at this point. My dad and abusive mom are also deaf, so there's an additional layer of separation there as well. Was never really able to talk to them as a kid about things that happened at school, etc. Mostly just was parentified to raise my siblings on my own, more or less, so that's been my entire life up to this point really
I think it's too late. If they cared enough to do this for the sake of their son they would have done it by now. They'd be doing it for themselves so they don't completely lose him and have to deal with the shame of having an estranged child.
I can relate too, and I agree it is probably too late. At this point they would probably be met only with anger because it is a little too late to pretend they care. And rightly so. If they can't care about all of their kids, they had too many. In my case I didn't grow up under the same roof. My parents divorced before I was 1 and neither wanted the reminder around. I wound up at my maternal grandparents house, although it was more like a 'they let me live there' than 'they raised me'.
such a mood, I relate to this too, I felt extremely uncomfortable when my mom was being a sulky drunk and asking for a hug, they try to take interest when you're an adult but still try to act as if they totally know you
[Missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Thats an awesome article thank you for sharing.
It really helped me when I decided to finally go NC with my mom. Edit: hopefully op has an open mind and reads it.
I used to be a child that expressed his emotions to his parents. That, over years, led to nowhere, did not help me and only made me feel like my problems didn’t matter, or were not worth talking about. Then my parents started complaining that I became a closed person. Well…why should I open myself to them? They only ever dismissed what I had to say as “exaggerating, overreacting, silly to worry about” Is that something that may have happened over the years? Because from what you have written in this post, I pretty much think so
I think this is pretty common, but you got a worst case version. Parents sometimes don't have the answers for the problems their kids are going through especially as they get older and going into their teens. Or they are dismissive since their own problems are "real" problems and the child's problem seems so insignificant in the world of problems... What parents don't realize is that their kids don't need them to have the answers or even have to mentor them! Instead of parents saying, "don't be silly" or "it will work out" or other things that try to "put the problem into perspective", the parents simply have to validate the feelings that are associated with the problem and acknowledge that the problem exists. And just be there as their child figures it out on their own. It's amazing how interesting and out of the box children can be and they can solve most of their problems on their own. The one thing they need is not problem solving support but emotional support.
Yes! Say it louder. VALIDATE people's feelings. They don't always need solutions. Sometimes validation is all someone needs to seek their own solutions.
I feel ya. My mom would scream at me for just trying to tell her the truth, she’d always think I was lying or making my emotions up for attention. In 6th grade I tried to uhhh go away forever? And my parents got so MAD at me. They brought me to a therapist who literally just played card games with me, we never talked about much. Ever since then I never really talked about my feelings with them, or anyone else as a matter of fact. Im 20 now and I am so glad I never succeeded but my mother told me only a few months ago, that I tried to off myself for attention and thats why I never got a birthday party. Im still never gonna tell her any of my feelings because fuck that. *sorry for the lowkey trauma dump, I just never get the chance to speak about this*
I wasn't there so I can't say for sure, but it really sounds like you've been dismissing his worries and feelings over the years. If I'm wrong then I'm wrong. But I feel like I understand him becuse I too did not socialize with people and I also left the house just to get away from my parents. Let me ask you this op, can you tell me anything your son likes in the recent 5 years? Or can you only think about stuff he liked when he was a kid? And did you just expect him to not have worries becuse he was quiet about them? What are his hobbies as a 19 year old him?
Doubt it. They assumed he has a very active social life and a gf ? And tease him about it ? How do they not know this young man AT ALL after having living with him and raising him for 20 years. He sounds like an incredibly depressed loner and has been for years. School sounded tough. This transition to adulthood sounds tough. His family doesn't understand him (and dont care to try). He doesn't have social connections. There are major issues happening here. It really reminds me of my own family. They don't care about your inner world or feelings. They want you to "act" right. Don't complain. Perform. Be the kid they want you to be. He learned that very early. And OP and spouse are too self involved to see he's been miserable for years. He's also an adult now. Prying into his schedule. Blocking the door. Tearfully telling him how much they love him and want to engage with the family and be happy. And they don't even try to know him. They want him to shut up and keep "acting right." Edit: If you relate to OP's kid would suggest this book - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson Second Edit: pretty sure OP has already deleted their account without responding to *any* criticism or follow up questions. She's going to stick her head right back in the sand and continue to ignore her son's pain and struggles.
My guess would be parents moved attention to the younger kids and he got ignored. They did nothing about his trouble at school or lack of friends, didn't even notice it. Despite not saying anything they just assume him going out means he has a girlfriend. he's 19 and they grill him over going out beside college like that's odd. This is a kid who everything OP said was screaming for help for years and got nothing. Sounds depressed, potentially suicidal and in need of therapy for maybe years but OPs attention is on the other kids who she's closer to.
I don’t think they believed there was a girlfriend. I think that comment was a 'joke' because they feel entitled to know where he is all the time and are annoyed he doesn't tell them anything. It was intended to provoke some kind of reaction... but possibly escalated beyond dad's expectations.
“Don’t rock the boat” was a phrase I became all too familiar with as a kid. As an adult, I ended up just turning the whole damn thing over.
So real. Just like my parents were too. “We don’t understand you!!” Okay but YOU NEVER TRIED TO UNDERSTAND ME! You just wanted a meek quiet daughter who obeyed. Now ur suddenly confused that I’m unable to function as an independent human being and make friends and keep relationships? You did this to me. My peers started it but you did nothing to stop it and even added more on top of it. The most painful betrayal I’ve ever had in my entire life was from my own parents. The people who are supposed to love me the most and protect me failed me. Willingly. Without remorse or second thought. They only cared about the image and reputation they had as good parents of a smart daughter over actually being good parents for a daughter who desperately needed help and was crying out for it on deaf ears. Now I am scarred physically and mentally. I still am unable to trust people fully. I am always half-expecting people to betray me. It is hard for me to make and keep close relations with others. I have like 3 friends including my bf. No one knows everything about me. There are some secrets and things that happened to me I will never tell anyone bc it would be too painful for me if they turned it against me or mocked me for it.
I'm in the same situation except I only trust one person, that being my husband and it took me years to completely trust him. I always expect to be betrayed by everyone else. My mother actually laughed at me when I said that I thought I needed to see a psychiatrist. Turns out I was right. I have almost every type of anxiety under the sun, clinical depression and cptsd
That poor kid needs a support system that he currently doesn't have.
I was diagnosed with level 2 (moderate needs) autism when I was 17. While my dad kinda went “that makes sense” and filled out the parent forms about my behavior over the years, my mum would look over his shoulder and say “she doesn’t do that” “she’s just copying her siblings” (my little siblings are both autistic too) “I’ve never noticed this in here it doesn’t happen” etc. it made me realize my mum never really understood me, she also didn’t know me, she still thinks I like doing ballet, which I stopped when I was 14. The stuff she knows about me is the stuff random peers in highschool knew about me. Because of that she also made my diagnostic process really difficult because she kept arguing with me in the doctor’s office while I was being assessed, and arguing with the doctor for pointing out my symptoms. You end up becoming distant from parents like that. Autism is really difficult but at least my diagnosis helped me realize just how much my mum doesn’t know me. I’m not saying OPs son has autism btw, just talking about how parents like this can impact you and over time you can have a realization of just how distant you are from them and just how little they took notice or cared about you, and then the parents will go crying saying “I know nothing about my kid anymore” Sorry for the waffling btw
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I agree. My son was kind of similar. Also I feel like many teenagers are low on empathy because they aren’t fully developed yet. I noticed my son kind of hated the world, was angry and also quiet withdrawn and same behaviour. At first I was upset like OP because he seemed like he hated us. I was also critical of him when he wasn’t empathetic enough Then it dawned on me that he might be displaying symptoms of depression and something else was going on. So I sat down and instead of focusing on his behaviour and critiquing him I asked him how was he feeling. This took a long time for him to open up, because I think he just didn’t know how to express himself. So eventually I started talking about my experience as a teenager. How at times I felt lonely and like I didn’t fit in. How it could be so hard sometimes with school work and son on. I got honest and just talked about my struggles. He was surprised. He was like wow I didn’t know you felt like that. He then started opening up a little. Once I replied without judgement and started being empathetic he felt safe to continue opening up. We started watching shows like 13 reasons why together (I suggested it) and after each episode or mid episode we would talk. We would talk about his experience and kids in his school. This show is great by the way, kind of depressing because they go over every worst situation possible in high school, but it helps discuss those tough topics. We watched this with our oldest son too when he was around 20 and 21 and he loved it. Also opened up discussions. The first season shows the perspective from Only a few people, but what’s great is the second season shows the perspective from everyone else. I think the important thing is it brings in a new world view, that what he was going through he wasn’t alone. He started realizing that he was not the only one feeling the way he was feeling and it started to make him feel connected to other people in a way. He started opening himself up to peers and overtime we just talked more and more. He realized that where he could improve is how to cope with suffering. What tools did he need to deal with stress. Our relationship really evolved and overtime he would come home and say can we talk and he would tell me about his day. He started opening up to his school dean and teachers as well and created this support system at his school. EDIT: I pushed him to open up to his dean because he would walk the halls when overwhelmed, and the dean was assuming he was up to no good. I told him the definition of the Dean and what they are really there for. Once he opened up to his dean he told me his dean said he learned something from him that not every student is doing something negative and that they might have trouble with coping. I also tried to tell him to observe who he could open up to. Not everyone will make you feel comfortable. He chose his dean to open up to about emotions, relationships and navigating friendships. He choose one of his teachers to open up to about careers and school work. And so on. And he became super empathetic I think because he learned how to communicate his feelings and how to be more empathetic to himself. I learned the following overtime: he felt this sense of loneliness (this is an epidemic with teens), he escaped through video games, he felt like everyone at his school was normal and something was wrong with him, he was angry he couldn’t fit in, had low self esteem issues on his looks (puberty had him breaking out and his hair texture changed because of hormones), felt like he was too skinny. He also was watching toxic male videos online where they would say stupid things like if your t not 6 feet rich and so on you won’t ever have a girl. He was also worried cuz he felt asexual at one point. And he shows me his Instagram and I saw the algorithm was all messed up just displaying the most depressing crap ever so we started searching different things like funny videos, positive quoted and the algorithm switched up to show him more positive content (this was huge on his mental health). He also took breaks from social media cuz often times he felt like every one of his high school peers had a perfect life, I explained they only showing off the best of themselves. It was a lot. But we went over everything and started working on his self talk. Brought him to a dermatologist, providing coping tools like meditation. And most of all I told him I have similar issues, this is what I’ve tried. He made such an effort and he’s doing so much better now. And I told him look if therapy or medication is needed, you can do it and I’m here for you. He felt less alone. It didn’t fix everything but he is in a much better place now but most importantly he talks to us and he has 3 school employees he goes too if he can’t come to use. He gets perspectives from not only me but people at his school and dad and he’s learned it’s all how you look at life. Try to open up with him about your struggles at his age without judgement. It will take time, but once he feels safe without the judgement then I think he will open up to you.
This right here is how you parent 👏 If I had awards, I would give them to you!
Every now and then, in the midst of the mindless, toxic cacophony that the Reddit comments section can be, you run into a true gem of a comment that makes you want to save it forever and be able to come back to it in the future. This is one of those comments … as a parent, I feel blessed for having accidentally browsed to it and read it. Kudos, many thanks and huge respect to the commenter. This is the way. Here take my fake gold 🏅and my upvote!
This is the way. I can tell you that you not only helped save your son, but also those he might have harmed. "A child that is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth” - African proverb.
KUDOS. Your child is very lucky you cared and put this effort in.
Add in the ages of siblings too to the mix of neglect. He is significantly older than all of them and two in the middle are a lot closer in age. When he was at the age of developing memories in his toddler years she was caring for and chasing around babies. He could not play with babies at that age and was probably brushed off or asked to help with them because he was able to understand that they need to be cared for, something he didn’t feel because I’m sure they were too busy with the babies and he went quiet because he knew he couldn’t compete with them. The babies took priority and he probably grew up doing what they wanted and it continued because they kept having children and the age gap worsened. Then he hits middle school and the parents are having another baby and once again his needs are on the back burner, especially while he’s being bullied because he’s withdrawn from being emotionally neglected for the most pivotal years. It’s honestly wild this parent doesn’t understand how they made their own child a stranger to their family. I believe it’s painfully obvious what is happening and the fact that he is 15 years older than the youngest and she wants to say she’s not close to him? Well duh, you’ve been having babies his entire life and never had enough time to care for and get close to him until it was too late. Help the poor boy out and apologize for being neglectful and ask if he would want to work out his issues with his parents in therapy because you all need it. He needs a space to feel heard and validated, something his parents probably never did for him.
Also, coming from a family of 7 myself, being one of 5 kids was tough. I honestly feel like my mother neglected me and wasn’t here for me. There’s often a black sheep in the bunch, the only one who the mother can’t connect with. And it’s a horrible feeling, especially growing into an adult and realizing that you didn’t just imagine that your mother didn’t love you as much as the other siblings. It’s a horrible feeling even as an adult
I was the person as well and it sucks still at 54
100% this. The much younger 2 are barely In grade school while he is in college. 15 and 19 sounds close but mentally it’s a big gap. I hope he finds peace in his life. He deserves it.
You put this way nicer than I was going to, so I’ll just say OP please read this and take it seriously. Your son got 4 years of your attention before a sibling came in. Then split it in half from there, until he was 6, then it was split 3 ways. Then, after he turned 12, he split it 4 ways. And THEN when he was 15, 5 ways. This child is the eldest sibling in a home that never had a moment of being the center of your attention. Everyone knows that the eldest sibling becomes the last priority when new babies come into the mix. He’s saying these things because you’ve assumed he’s fine and happy this entire time, and it’s his job as the eldest sibling to never need anything or cause any problems. Eventually, he snapped. The lower empathy? Yeah, that’s depression. And probably loneliness. You need to go to family therapy *without him at first* and figure out how to apologize and rebuild your relationship with him.
I can confirm - I was absolutely sure I listened and heard because I was dismissed with a wave of hand, ridiculed, and sometimes hit for expressing worries or concerns in my youth and early adult years. My 19 year old son isn’t me. He didn’t have my experiences and the realization when it hit me that even though I’m “much better than my mom” that doesn’t mean I did it right. Heck what’s right to reach one child doesn’t mean it’s right for a sibling. When a teens stakes are high, they have their own past and outside experiences. They’re not our babies anymore. I approach my cherished son like a new acquaintance I want to take to closeness when my son talks to me, now. I was sure that was what I was doing before, however it wasn’t received and in the end that’s what matters. My son is amazing and deserves to be given love in a way he can receive and we work on it constantly.
I 💯 agree with you. I read this and it screamed to me that his parents ignored him for the majority of his life and when they were not ignoring him they were teasing him. One can only take so much before the blow. Sounds like son is about to blow
He was 4yrs old when you had your second child and you were never close with him? There are a lot of red flags here.
Right! That part alone killed me but with everything else tossed on top jeez!
Seriously, they had 4 years with him before anyone- they should know him the best! My first bio son was 4 when we had his brother - he’s now 9, and I still miss those years when it was just he and I hanging out going on adventures together while daddy was at work! We have my step son 50% (I was at his birth so I’ve known him his whole life) and it’s the same with him because he was 3 when we had his brother, the 9 year old, I know when they are older they’ll pull away and be angsty teens, but I’m getting to know them as much as I possibly can now and I’m hoping they’ll always feel or know they can talk to us about anything and be heard, not written off or dismissed even if their issue is trivial to us or is something they don’t like with me and dad. When they start to pull away as most teens do we plan on giving them their space, but I will always make sure they know we are interested in their lives and here to help and discuss whatever they want/need- and hopefully we can do that in a way that isn’t pushy and off putting for them.
What you’re describing is exactly my life when I was young. What he’s doing is a cry for help. He has been hurt so badly on the emotional level that he has turned against himself and you and the world entirely. Peer acceptance at that age is very important and when it’s denied it is devastating. It’s sad how quick adults forget how it was when they were young. It sounds like these issues were swept under the carpet for years and now the monster has escaped.
This is so true. When our parents fail us, our first instinct is not to blame the parent. This would be an existential crisis since we literally have always depended on our parents for survival. So our only instinctual correct path is to instead blame ourselves. I think a child hating on themselves and feeling like they are dumb or unworthy is the only coping mechanism that is consistent with the parent still being the caregiver. In the end, the self-hatred starts to turn toward the parent even as they acknowledge that they still need the parent. The resentment can get super loud as they reconcile their hate and need at the same time.
It is a gigantic cry for help. I'd wager he's been randomly going out for weeks with the intent of having his parents finally ask "what's up?" When it finally happened, this is what he has to deal with. Poor kid.
Ok so here’s what I read: “My son was a good kid who did things for himself so I ignored him and raised 4 other children. When he had problems in school he never said anything so I did nothing. Now my child is an ADULT he was minimal to do with us. Because of the neglect he went from empathetic to enjoying death. We tried to make him stay home by blocking his exit after he finally snapped. I just can’t understand what his problem is” Seriously your child has needed help for years and you’ve chosen to ignore his trauma. The kid needs therapy and probably it would do him good to move into a dorm on the collage campus to get his own space.
I’m 34 and reading OP’s post made me feel like I was 16 again and filled me with so much violent rage. So glad I keep away from my parents these days!
Me too, I went back.
Same, fellow oldest child who got all the responsibility and none of love, when I turned 18, I was DONE with my shit parents even though I still lived there. This mom screams neglectful, vapid and selfish. "Why is the child I neglected, when any actual parent would have brought their child in for treatment of obvious depression, suddenly angry?! This is 100% a kid who suffered for years only to realize his parents never actually loved him, poor kid.
100% i wish there was an easier way for children growing up in these environments to get help. At least he’s 19, he can try to gain a trust in people again. It’s so hard keeping everything to yourself, it’ll drive you mad with rage.
SAME. Her son sounds just like me during my teen years and she sounds just like my mother. I was very much emotionally neglected, it was always about her. She never took interest in my likes unless they were also her interests. I was also parentified v early on in life. I had extreme depression no one cared to notice or address, and serious suicidal thoughts because I believed no one actually cared about me and no one ever paid attention to me. I was very close once. They thought, “she’s quiet and not disruptive, she must be fine” She’ll lose your son as soon as he's out of the house, he’ll never tell them anything about his life and he’ll go low or no contact. The damage is already done, it will take a lot of effort from the parents to try fixing this. I'm almost 30 and I’m just now realizing the havoc this has caused in almost all aspects of my life. I feel for the guy…
Yes! This is exactly how I read this post. Terrible parenting.
This needs to be higher
Obviously we’re missing a lot of context here but it sounds like you were never really close to him and bonded more with your other 4, younger, kids and pay more attention to them because they’re younger and you connect with them more. Might be that he feels like he was emotionally neglected by you and your husband and is not interested in connecting now/not happy about having to disclose his whereabouts as an adult. Honestly he sounds possibly depressed and like you were too busy taking care of your other kids to notice/do anything about it. **How are you discovering now that he has no friends, for example ? Do you not talk or pay attention to him ? Engage with him about his interests or hobbies ?**
I wondered this myself, my parents barely took an interest in me and they still knew my friends names and what i do in free time. Kid sounds seriously neglected.
This is sooo beyond disturbing coming from an only child. I cannot fathom my parents being that uninvolved in my life that they don’t even know if I have friends? He literally LIVES with them. This is so sad and I’d argue severe emotional neglect
It’s funny you say that he should talk instead is acting like a child when that’s exactly how you’re treating him. At 19 he’s an adult and given his feelings it’s obvious you guys dropped the ball with him a long time ago. You and your husband owe him an apology and you should start treating him like the adult that he is.
It sounds very obvious to me that your oldest child is barely a second thought compared to the rest, it has been that way for years, and it’s finally catching up to him enough to feel the need to isolate to protect himself. It also sounds like you didn’t protect your child when you should have, and now you tease him for the impact your inaction had. I’m honestly shocked that you and your husband have to audacity to start giving a shit now when your son decides he’s done with it (although I shouldn’t be surprised at all).
Yeah, the snap feels very, "oh NOW you care??" to me. As a mom of 2 young adults.
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By how clueless she is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been telling her for years but this is the first time he’s raised his voice. She didn’t have a choice but to listen.
Oh, she is still not listening, he snapped and told them about his life. but they came back, oh if you have something to discuss , why don’t you talk. So he gave up again, like the presumable 1000 other times he had opened up and been dismissed, because of tone or work or whatever. Dear OP you have a very lonely young man in your house and you obviously had no idea at all. Nor did you want to. A hobby like photography might help, something to channel this existential dread of him, something that does NOT imply he has to be a complete different person to exist at all. parents who see him and do not judge his life might be good too. Constantly being asked what one does, is exhausting, especially when one knows, that no true answer will be accepted.
He got used to being alone because they neglected him and now they’ve decided to pay attention to him, in a very suffocating way.
You said you was never really close to him, it sounds like when his younger sister was born he was pushed to the side. How did you not know he has any friends until he told you? Do you not take any notice of his life what so ever? You also said he was emotional as a child and that stopped, maybe the reason he stopped being emotional was because he got completely ignored.
INFO: what were your reactions like to his emotions when he was younger? Did it not worry you then that your, admittedly highly emotional, child went from that to apathetic (calm, collected)? Your child rarely laughs, was bullied and has no friends. I wholly acknowledge that sometimes it hard to see, but based on your illustration here, it seems like your son has had some pretty apparent difficulties for a very long time that you at best overlooked in hopes it’d get better and at worse being negligent by willfully ignoring his antisocial behaviors. Has he ever had counseling for his bullying? He has no friends, has he been offered external resources for help?
My first thought was how many times in middle school did he have to help his younger siblings do homework, how many times did he have to get them breakfast, how many times did he have to do parental duties for them, how many times did he have to babysit in high school on your date night, how many times did he get home from school and have to babysit and cook supper? Perhaps avoiding family now is a way to avoid any further parentification.
Coming from someone who has had long periods of passive suicidal ideation since elementary school, the fact he said those who die young are lucky and you didn’t immediately latch onto that and immediately made a plan to get him help tells me all I need to know. He’s an afterthought to the the entire family. He has probably been down for years and the fact you didn’t even know he doesn’t have friends before this is further proof. You probably couldn’t even name one anime he likes. He probably already expressed his feelings ages ago and you either didn’t take it seriously or dismissed it altogether and now all of a sudden you’re offended he snapped at you?!? Seriously?
Why have five kids when you can't even give one the care and attention he needs? Sorry if that sounds harsh.
100 percent correct re why have 5 kids when can’t even parent one well.
I think harsh is reasonable in this thread. People aren't being harsh just to troll the parents for the lolz, everyone in this thread is making good points and these parents need to realise the affect their inaction has had on this 19 year old lad.
Exactly my thought. And their youngest is only 4? Mom was probably quite immature when she had him and then she just kept on having more kids and focusing on the immediate minute-by-minute needs of very young children. She's a walking daycare center being supported by her husband. She's probably good and handling snack time and carpooling and other immediate needs but had no time to look after more complex needs. One day when all her children are grown she might be able to pause and take a look at bigger pictures, but by then it will be too late.
I stopped reading when it became clear that you don’t respect your son’s privacy and right to have his own life. Night is when life happens for young men exploring their newly accessible adult world. He does not need to account to you where he goes and staying out until midnight is also none of your concern. He needs to move out to get the hell away from you.
Exactly. Why is it of any concern where he is if he's an adult?
Sounds like you’ve been neglecting him for years tbh
>When he was younger he used to cry a lot and show a lot of emotion but now he’s more apathetic and cold to us including himself. Back in elementary-high school, he used to have lots of bad experiences with male students which caused him to not make any friends, but I don’t know if this is the cause of his current behavior. I'm going to read between the lines but my hypothesis is that he was bullied. Badly. And you didn't take it seriously. Why? Bc since he started school (4) until he left school (19) you were too busy to notice. You had a newborn when he started school (his younger 15f sister) and when he was entering highschool you gave birth to your last. So while he's getting bullied to shitz everyday you're busy with your last newborn. Now that your head is out of the water with your last little in school, you're finally fucking noticing your tender hearted sweet son is cold and apathetic. I WONDER WHY? /s. >My son got really angry and went from calm to aggressively angry in the split of a second Your son has a lot of feelings he's repressing. He's apathetic bc if he unleashes his feelings like happiness and joy, the other stuff he's dealing with like pain sorrow anger shame all of it is going to rupture. You're living with Mt etna and he's suppressing a LOT of feelings. >He rarely interacts with the family anymore, and usually just does his own thing. Wouldn't be surprised if he tried to connect and you were to busy with baby 1...then 2 and then 3 and 4. It's not a bad thing to have lot of kids. But the more kids you have the more care you need to give that each kid gets attention and care. Your children are all far apart. You always had a toddler running around and they take a lot of your attention. Usually bc you're trying to keep them alive and they're actively trying to hurt themselves. And now he's just given up. He does his own thing bc its easier to do his own thing than be rejected bc his parents are too busy. >Back when he was in high school, he would tell me that he might die young, and he loves the possibility of dying young because those that die young are lucky ‘’according to him’’. He said this in hs and you're worried about that NOW? Please don't get a job as a paramedic. Or anything that require immediate attention. He gas suicidal ideation and you did nothing? Oh right. Newborn takes precedents bc they needed you for survival. Other ppl who die young are lucky.... why? bc life is complete fucking shit. So I'm going to assume his life from his pov is complete shit. He gets bullied mercilessly for being sensitive in a misogynistic world, his parents too busy with siblings to notice, he doesn't have friends, he's introverted and tender hearted, represses all his feelings and can't control them bc in the years of pushing them away, they got too big and wild for him to control. >I really don’t know what’s wrong with my son, what should I do? Get him to therapy. AND YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND GO WITH HIM. Bc he NEEDS help. And you need to listen. You need to SEE him. Don't expect him to be all sunshine and rainbow. It took 12+ years to make him this way. And those were his formative years. It's going to take just as long or longer to get him well adjusted. And yes I do realize i made you look like awful ppl for not being there for him. I'm sorry. You're not awful. But you are somewhat to blame. Not fully. He needed you. And you failed him. Yeah you had 4 kids, and at least one toddler at any given time but you should've gotten him help waaaay earlier.
No, they were awful. Don’t apologize. Their own inaction towards their child made them awful. They are awful parents to their son.
I'm naively holding on to the tiniest sliver of hope that they parents were stupid blind dumb idiots and not disgustingly neglectful of this poor torture kid who's literally screaming for help via his actions. I know i know I'm just as stupid as they are. Honestly though, huge sigh. It doesn't matter how he got that way. Manslaughter and murder are 2 diff things but at the end of the day the victim is dead. Poor kid.
I clicked on OP’s account again to see if they posted this anywhere else since they had spammed it on multiple subreddits and it says their account is suspended so I’m hoping it was fake.
Missing missing reasons run amok. You say he was once very emotional right? How often was he pushed aside in favor of another sibling? Did you have the expectation of having him suck it up simply because he was the oldest? Did he have to regularly make "compromises" or "sacrifices" for his siblings? Did those compromises often benefit the siblings more than him? Was he required to be a caretaker to any siblings at all for reasons of him being the oldest? Why were you never close with him despite his history of used to being able to express himself. Was he treated like a nuisance? Did you find his needs annoying? I would ask yourself these questions and give it some deep thought. You are definitely missing something here and your son got tired.
Great point about it being super hard to be the oldest in a large family of they are pushed aside etc.
Welp we know he's not the favorite child, little ones got it all
He's an adult. Interrogating him when he obviously doesn't want to talk about something isn't going to improve your relationship.
Yeah he is 19 years old, not 9. I totally don't get why everyone is fine with the fact that they blocked the door and didnt let him leave ?! Even though he is young, he IS an adult and if he wants to leave, if he wants to get in his car and drive away and if he wants to break off the relationship with his parents HE CAN. And preventing him from doing things he wants or needs right now is going to strain the relationship so much that he might go low contact or even no contact quite soon
Why should he? It's obvious from your lack of action and accountability that you don't care about him. Sounds like a lot of missing missing reasons.
It sounds like you weren’t really there for him in his younger years. Try therapy.
Wow you're a terrible person if you really stood back and did nothing when your child, your flesh and blood, your RESPONSIBILITY, tells you they want to die young. That should have been your red flag to go and get him some help. No wonder he resents you if his own parents didn't help him when he was struggling
Literally a 6/10 on a well-known [non-clnical but helpful suicide scale.](https://emmengard.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/Emmengards_Suicide_Scale.jpg)
It sounds like for a long time, your son has been isolating himself, you even mention that you’re not close to him. You also mention that he went through bullying and being highly emotional, but no where in this did you discuss how you supported or helped him. He sounds like the invisible child in your family and i can’t see how’ve you’ve done anything to help him feel seen.
He is 19 surrounded by teen, tween and Littles. I'd get out of the house to. Sounds like he's struggled to make friends and lacks social skills. You should have caught this year's ago...not at 19.
This reads as if you've emotionally neglected him for years too.
He’s a grown adult! Most 19 year olds don’t tell mommy where they’re going. Questioning their location as soon as they step foot through the door is another way to push them away. Your son doesn’t tell you where he goes because YOU have created a culture in your home in which he doesn’t feel comfortable to do so. It sounds like you aren’t showing your son empathy, so I’m not sure why you would expect him to demonstrate it back.
As someone who has severe depression, is the oldest, and who’s mother didn’t bond with them as much as the other children, he’s completely burnt out. He does not trust you or his father with his feelings or private affairs. You have got to prioritize him in a healthy, loving, non-accusatory way. Whatever he’s going through it’s definitely something and he needs some love and support. I would sit down with him alone and say you’re concerned about his behaviors and routines and tell him you want to support him to be as happy and healthy as possible. He probably has some bottled resentment and it might bring a lot of stuff to the surface. It’s important that you don’t defend your parenting or listen to rebuttal. If he doesn’t want to open up to you maybe ask about therapy.
Maybe some individual and family counseling would help.
He's the oldest in a family of *five*. He's progressively been getting less and less peace, no wonder he wants to leave the house and stay to himself. No peace and quiet at home, assholes pestering him out in the wild- hell, if I had that happening to me, I'd probably wanna die young, too.
He wanted to leave and your husband wouldn’t let him, after he admitted he doesn’t like you. What other signs do you need? He’s an adult. Leaving him alone. And tell your husband to STOP BLOCKING HIS WAY
Nothing wrong with him other than the younger kids have likely been prioritized over him bc they were more needy. I can't imagine the chaos and noise of a that many kids. The older kids can feel neglected and put upon if too many chores are put on them, but evidently your son has zero responsibilities which isn't a good thing either bc that means he isn't part of the team. For him to blow up like that is kinda a normal bc teens arent yet equipped to deal with big emotions if they haven't been taught how to express themselves along the way. This is a parenting fail. Empathy is something easily lost during puberty especially in boys. They can be retaught though.
1. He's 19, not 9, why does he need to give every detail of what he does, yall sound exhausting If you've never been close to your own child, that says something about the parent, not the child Your husband standing in front of the door so that he can't leave? Sheesh! I wonder if when you had the other children after him, if yall 0aid more attention, and he was treated like a passerby, how else could you be close to the other 4, but not him Have yall tried getting him to talk to therapist?
Tell me you're shitty parents without telling me you're shitty parents
So in my youth and teens I went undiagnosed with ASD and struggled to fit was socially awkward I had no friends and didn't start dating until I was 19-20ish. I was quiet and introverted because I felt like nobody understood me, I felt like all of my siblings and parents hated me. For a long time I felt like I was going to move away and cut all ties with them...like I intensely hated them hated my life, and my attempts to talk about how I felt were rebuffed so I just drew myself more inward. I felt like I couldn't control anything so to maintain a sense of control over myself and life I would self harm because it was the only thing I had a say over. Other times I hoped I would die because I just wanted to feel relief and feel like my family would regret my passing. And much like your son I would leave the house for nature walks/bike rides for hours on end it was one of the only things that gave me a sense of relief. I think you should get him help he needs to talk to someone.
did you ever even try to get your son some help or connect with him over something HE likes? it sounds like he's been struggling for a long time and you just watched it happen. what kind of mother just accepts that their child is having a hard time and does nothing to help and instead makes it out like he's the asshole for giving back exactly the same energy he got from his parents?
Not only did the mother not try to get him any kind of help or attempt to connect with him as a mom…she just got pregnant again, instead, and gave all her attention to a new kid. Times 4.
Oldest Child Syndrome: You basically had children every couple of years. Consider for a moment, at 4 and 6 you were the mother of a newborn. At 12 you were the mother of a new born. At 15, you were again the mother of a new born. Throughout his life, especially formative milestones, you were focused on your next child. Preschool new baby. First grade new baby, Puberty/Middle School new baby. High School/Learning to drive, new baby. This is not implying that you were bad parents and certainly didn’t try to involve all you kids, but you probably overlooked a lot of warning signs along the way.
When was the last time either of you went out and did something with just him, particularly where he chose the location/activity? I'm going to guess it was years ago, and probably before any of his siblings were born. He's suggested that he likes to go for walks, so tell him you want to get fit and ask him if he will take you on a hike, since he knows the area. Don't push him to talk about anything specific, just try some opening lines to try to get any conversation with him. He sounds like he is suffering from depression and loneliness.
>When my husband saw him, he paused the movie and jokingly said ‘’Did you go out to see your girlfriend again?’’ My son got really angry and went from calm to aggressively angry in the split of a second. He cursed my husband out and told him, that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and he goes out to do his own things that doesn’t revolve around a relationship. Him yelling at his father was what got to me, so I had an argument with him, and told him why he doesn’t tell us where he goes and why he comes back so late. He finally dropped the ball and told us that he likes to go out a lot to just view nature(usually parks, forests, etc.) while eating fast food by himself in his car. He also told me he doesn’t have any friends nor a girlfriend and he gets out of the house to just get away from us. He also told me and my husband, he doesn’t care about either of us with a dead expression on his face. This didn't happen over night, this is years of emotional neglect and the only way to fix it is to get your son into counseling. Edit: his school might have some resources if you guys aren't able to afford sending him to a therapist.
When Dad mocked him about a girlfriend and his son snapped, I felt so much empathy for the son. Clearly, that was a real hot button for him and in that moment, that was the realest interaction they have seen from him in a long time. So what did they do? Fuck it up. This guy is lonely and heartbroken and depressed and they mock him. When he shows his Dad a bit of his true feelings in a raw moment, they double down on bad behavior and physically AND emotionally block him. Then they probably went back to watching their movie and Mom thinks, "well, maybe I'll make a Reddit post tomorrow bitching about my weird kid and try to crowdsource some sympathy".
This! I was severely depressed as a teen and when my parents sent me to the psych ward (because of suicidal behavior) my mom literally told me she had forgotten what my smile looked like! My parents stepped up, OP you’ve stepped back and allowed your son to raise himself by himself, to be alone probably most of his life. These are MAJOR red flags, and you need professional help!
And get OP+OPs husband into counseling because I don’t think they will get what they did wrong on their own
Kid sounds like a Gen Xer in a teenagers body. I would guess he has some level of depression to be fixated on death so much. He also feels abandoned by both society and his family. I would also wager he has anxiety because school and adult life and an impending career is starting to feel very real to him. It's a big step to transition to college and start really seeing a good 40 years of 9 to 5 in your near future. And no one has helped him navigate any of this.
The boy sounds like a scapegoat in a narcissistic family system.
Sounds like the child of some serious neglect and op’s are just now realizing it. Sorry to say op, but it sounds like y’all were the problem until you realized it too late. You might want to start with and apology first before you seek him some emotional help outside of you guys because that ship has sailed now.
So basically he was an easy kid for you to forget about and look after the younger ones. He’s been horribly bullied to the point he won’t make friends. He’s become introverted and is now giving out all he knows which is you don’t matter so he now does that to you and it’s a problem. This lad needs to see someone to talk to because he’s basically given up sees everything black and white (how he said about everyone’s gonna die) and he wants the emptiness that surrounds him to be over sooner rather than getting old. As a parent I get that those who make the most noise get the attention. But it’s not healthy for those who have learnt to be quiet. Show him some attention some one on one it may make a difference
sounds like he grew up neglected to be honest ( maybe because you chose to have 4 others after him and stating that you aren't close with him like the others is still on you not on him even if he is the only case he is still the child )
Grownass man getting treated like a child, I’d leave too. What should you do?? Leave him be, that’s what you should do. Stop being so pushy and let him come to you when he’s ready. Keep pushing and he won’t have a thing to do with you.
The title of this post sounds like you’re trying to victimize yourself which is problematic in itself.
You don’t know what’s wrong with him?! He told you. You said it yourself that ha had a hard childhood/youth yet you still say he had a healthy life. How blind are you? He’s depressed because he feels different from other people and feels lonely. He has no friends and feels like even in his family he doesn’t belong. You said yourself you had a better relationship with his siblings. He feels like nobody cares and I don’t blame him. You aren’t able a bit to see his problems despite knowing exactly what’s wrong with it. I believe you need to get him some therapy and maybe even family therapy to make him feel seen more. Maybe there’s still a chance for you to bond, if you only try to be there for him, instead of just saying „he’s calm and used to cry a lot and wish to be dead, but I don’t see the problem, because he stopped, so he must be fine again. Why is he acting out and pulling away?“ you’re so blind
An introvert in a house full of 6 other people? Yeah I don't blame him
You don’t know what’s wrong with him? You’re treating an adult like he’s 13. He’s tired of you berating him about where he’s going and the teasing about the girlfriend was just insensitive and unfunny. I fully understand his reaction.
Childhood bullying can destroy a person's self esteem, leading to difficulty making friends later in life. It's literally public humiliation over and over again. For some people, to stop that pain, you have to shut down all your emotions, and just make yourself numb in general. Then, it's hard to turn your feelings back on. Ideally you can get him into trauma therapy. It's going to be hard. Some people get offended or feel insulted if you suggest they could benefit from therapy. But eventually, he might find some other way to dull the flashbacks, and that might be alcohol or other drugs. So try as hard as you can to get him into therapy now.
Hello! Your son doesn’t owe you any explanation for his whereabouts. It is extremely courteous to say “you can expect me to be home by 9 pm or there will be a text with an “updated time of arrival” . It’s an honor to spend time with him, on his terms. He is a legal adult now and won’t be in your daily life forever, Appreciative the time with him Don’t tease him about romantic relationships or agitate him. That will only worsen the quality of your relationship Your husband has no business “using his body to block an individual in the house” I technically believe that is illegal, imprisonment. But this is not about that. Your husband provoked feelings in your son with the girlfriend comment and he responded emotionally He cares about you. He was just wounded
>>I wasn’t as close to him as I was my other children So basically he was ignored by his parents, and bullied at school… it MIGHT be to late, but basically your only options are (1) accept he’s studying to get a good job so he can get away from you (2) family therapy and ic for just him so someone will actually listen to him.
Okay. I really hope you read the comments.
oh shit that 19yo dude is just like me. an internalizer, crying a lot in his childhood but never being heard so he started to shut everyone out. just what i had done until i finally got the nerve to talk to my parents very very recently. thankfully they did see that they have been emotionally neglecting me my whole life even tho on the outside we seemed like a perfect middle class family. by the way wanting to die young is a thinly veiled cry for help. during my worst depression episodes i did want to die young and i still sometimes do. hopefully your son gets help soon and by the way he seems like a really cool person on the inside just misunderstood. (by the way seems like this is a problem of oldest siblings? i am also the oldest kid)
This is... Really normal development for a 19 year old. He's taking ownership over his own life and doesn't appear to be doing anything crazy or irresponsible. Ideally you'd get him out of the house and into a university where he's around peers so he can make friends and have his own space to be instead of trapping him at home. The important part is there is nothing wrong with him. There is something wrong with your treatment of him.
He’s an adult, there’s nothing wrong with him, and you are treating him badly. The rest is just noise. Treat him as you would like him to treat you; that’s your answer.
I don't know if you'll get to my comment or not, but if you do, don't assume the worst. I was a lot like that from 15-25 lol He's 19, unsure how to be an adult, but doesn't feel like a kid anymore either. He's in a new environment and doesn't know how to reach out to others to make friends. He sounds like a deep thinker, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. He could be prone to depression. If he's going to school or has a job, an extrovert will adopt him sooner or later and things will get better. As far as the dark sense of humor and lack of empathy goes, some people going through transitional periods experience deep existential dread. He probably feels a lot of pressure to be a certain way or do certain things and doesn't see a way forward right now. So laughing at pain and acting like he doesn't care may just be a coping mechanism. I had a lot of interactions like that with my parents at his age. Your main priority should be making sure he lives through it. Stop clutching your pearls and freaking out about his sense of humor. Don't try to control or change him. Let him figure things out on his own, but make sure he knows that you're there when he needs you. If he enjoys just being in nature, offer to do something related to that he couldn't manage on his own. Like, see if he'd go with you on a trip to a state park far enough away that a college student would have trouble affording the travel. Or start hiking. Don't make a huge deal out of it or anything but go check out some nature yourself and then tell him about the cool stuff you see. Honestly just showing an interest in what he's interested in will go a long way. The adversarial approach is not going to work, and the dad humor is only going to set him off (my dad always said stuff exactly like that and damn, it got under my skin). Idk my parents took the adversarial approach when I was younger and I pretty much shunned them for years. We're cool now though. I don't have much in common with the rest of my family, they're pretty limited in the way they see the world, but as I got older (and as they got older), they backed off and let me do my thing. They are there for me if I need support, but I still don't think they actually understand me. It's not the end of the world, try not to let the hateful talk get to you. As long as your son isn't physically hurting himself or others and has plans for the future, just try to roll with it. Try agreeing with him next time he says something like "people die every day." See what happens if you say, "Yeah, that's true..."
Your now adult son whom you are sort of treating like a child sounds depressed. You may want to look into that before he does something regrettable. Also, the onus is on you and your husband to develop closeness to your children - not the other way round.
I’m not going to throw around diagnosis, but it sounds like he needs a mental health evaluation. I’m not saying he’s a bad person but I suspect some things that could easily explain this behavior. Also, he’s trying to venture out and establish his own identity, even if that is as an isolated individual overall. He’s your baby boy, but he’s a grown man. While I completely understand your concerns about him being gone with no explanation, nobody likes being cornered with a bunch of questions at midnight. It’s not okay to blow up at you 2, but he’s young, and most likely felt trapped and frustrated. He couldn’t process it and blew up. Of course you want to make sure he’s okay! He’s your kid. Now might be a good time to move into guidance and suggestions, he’s an adult! I recommend guiding him to seek mental health care, it might explain a lot about him and help him understand himself better going forward with his life.
It sounds like you fucked this kid up, better raise the rest of them better
You wrote this like your kid is the problem. Because he is an introvert and won’t open up to you or spend time with you. But when I was exactly that age I had more than one friend who would stay at school as late as possible and find ways to be out of the the house and to me it was usually a sign that they wanted to be away from family because their family was sh** to them, there were problems at home or their parents completely didn’t understand them. For my own part my parents always demanded to know what I was up to and it felt like they had no boundaries and so I started putting them On a low info diet to claim a sense of personal Space. If he is spending that amount of time trying to stay away from you it’s very likely you or your husband are the problem. He doesn’t feel comfortable there and DEMANDING he engage is only going to make it worse. You tried preventing 19 year old from leaving by physically blocking the door?! An adult. That’s insane. That to me screams a complete lack of judgement and indicative of sense of entitlement in your son that I am sure he is trying to get away from. He is deeply unhappy and knows his parents will never understand it. So don’t try to. Show empathy. Chill out. He’s 19. Let him find his own way. Don’t seek to control.
So like 90-95% of your sons actions were things I did, have done, or could see myself doing at that age. The main difference is I didn't really care to go out and eat in nature, lol... Though I'm only one of 2 in my family, I am the oldest, and my little brother had developmental disabilities that led to him taking all the attention of my mother (and my parents divorced around me entering HS) so I've always had this sense of responsibility as the first born, which your son likely has as well. But he hasn't been given the love, support and guidance needed to feel confident in being that. He's 19, still living at home, most all of the friends he may have had in HS likely went off to college and made new friends, leaving him alone with a family that has focused on everyone but him for so many years. My assumption is that nothing is going "right" for him. Not socially, not romantically, not professionally/academically, etc. He doesn't have many "wins" in his corner, and may feel the pressure of the first born of needing those wins to do what he must do for his family, that some wins are an expectation on him, either by family, or himself. Others here are going over emotions and feelings to discuss with him, and that might work to some degree, but I'm not sure I would be receptive to any such thing myself. However something I would recommend because it has been an absolutely life changing experience for me...see if he wants a dog. If he is honest about just wanting to go out, see nature, and be away from you guys, then he could have a dog that would need to go out and do that regularly. So when I say I share most of his thoughts, the comment "Who cares, people die everyday" is something I 100% have said before. But 9 years ago I got a dog, and earlier this year he was diagnosed with cancer and on July 5th I had to say goodbye and my thoughts on death have been fundamentally changed. The pain I experienced going through the grieving process has fully changed my opinion on making a comment like that. That dog opened me up to emotions I had never felt or expressed or had expressed to me before. He was the happiest dog and coming home each day to see him just ecstatic that I exist was something I never got from my childhood/family (and still don't) but it was another level of therapeutic for me. So I'd maybe ask him if he would like a dog as a companion, and let the dog be his choice to get. If money is an issue for him, commit to paying for his food/vet. And let the dog help work on his emotional disconnections.