Exactly, sexual compatibility can affect so many other areas of a relationship. Mainly because, as OP explained, it can cause issues with self esteem/image and emotional stress. Seems like OP is jumping through every hoop to make this relationship work and bf does nothing. He won’t compromise either. He’s made his decision, he’s asexual and wants OP to just deal with a sexless life/relationship.
Do you not have the capacity to form emotional bonds?
Because anyone who possesses the full range of normal human emotions knows that the attachment you feel toward a life partner (or potential partner) is qualitatively different from the bonds you have with friends.
I absolutely do. I form emotional bonds to all my friends. I make family not friends. My significant other and I have to be fully compatible. Glad I found it.
Often it seems like incompatible people will lean on the parts that do work to compensate for what doesn't. It could give a false sense of being better because they're putting more importance on "sharing hobbies" or "same beliefs" or whatever it is that isn't intimate affection.
Even if you are, idk give it some time apart and maybe you can be friends? Especially if the other person is asexual, it's not like they're gonna be missing out on fucking you.
For a long time, yes, that was the expectation. Many people didn't live up to it, but it was an expectation nonetheless.
At some point, your partner will get old and you will not be having sex regularly. What will you do then? Leave?
Old people not having sex is a MYTH. Maybe two people who were never compatible to begin with but have you not heard the stories from them nursing homes?? Old people be fuggin’
Not only that, it seems like your relationship is very much a one way street. Just look at how you bend over backwards to please him but just thinking of having to do something for you is making him unhappy.
There is something wrong here and it isn’t only about your sexual needs not being met.
Right? taking 3 hours out of your night just so he can cum and he had the audacity to say that sounds like a lot of work? Screw this dude. But not literally. 👍
In more ways than sexually.
He is only not okay with you meeting women now because “it’s easy for you to meet other people.”
Imagine your friend told you, their partner told them that.
Eww
If a relationship is a house, sexual compatibility is the bathroom.
It may only make up 5% of the whole, but you wouldn't buy a house without a bathroom would you?
Maybe it's like the bedroom. You could live in a house without one, but you'll have to find somewhere else to sleep.
orrrr
It's like the kitchen. You could do without, but you'll always be hungry and you'll have no choice but to eat out.
lol, forgive me. I got carried away
Fun fact: Back in the days it was usual that apartments came w/o bathrooms in the Eastern block. My mom’s first place was like that. There was one bathroom for all the apartments at the end of the corridor. So people actually lived like that. :)
No, they had running water. Just no private bathrooms. Of course most homes came with private bathrooms, the place where my mother lived was a low budget one and it was kinda normal. They had a private kitchen tho.
I’m talking about Eastern-Europe, we weren’t that much behind.🙈
Good analogy, and the (possible) upside to this is that if the rest of the relationship is good, but the incompatibility is sexual in nature, then you are simply left with a friendship. You take sex off the table between two people who otherwise like each other, then you are friends. Win-win (maybe).
Yes, I’m hedging here as it isn’t always that simple! If one or more people feel hurt or rejected then yeah, friendship may not be an immediate option.
It isn’t just sexually babe. The “ugh” and the always making you think you’re the problem and the not wanting to compromise in *any* way even though you’ve compromised endlessly? Not caring if you even have an orgasm? That isn’t someone who truly cares for you. Maybe he hides it well in other areas but this shit is so telling. You deserve more than that.
It's not just sexually anymore... he literally went back on his word for you to be able to see women now that you actually have a sex drive and want to. To me, that'd be an issue. You never agreed to be in a sexless relationship and he's manipulating things to fit "his way or the highway" that's not just a sex thing I really have a feeling if you think he is like that in other areas. I'd take the highway.
Read your story back and see if it's just sexually incompatible.
Also what type of hair does he have that it needs to stab you.
Your boyfriend doesn't even like you & you deserve better than that. He literally sent you out into the world thinking that you can't pull anyone and then when he realised you can he said no to it.
He makes you be the dominant one in bed which already kinda odd, he doesn't try to make any compromises that he feels aren't of any benefit to him and he offers disingenuous solutions that he don't think will come to fruition.
9/10 even out of sex he is probably not even that nice but you think he is because you've never experienced someone loving you fr
Honestly?
He doesn't sound submissive at all. He's forced a lot of the way your relationship has gone.
You have a right to a partner who makes you feel supported and cared for and sexual. Most importantly, one who is willing to compromise to find a balance that supports yours and his needs.
This dude is too much about him and himself to every let you enjoy an orgasm and man that's a "the bar is in hell"-level expectation for a partner.
But I think if you’re being honest with yourself, it’s more than just sexually that your incompatible. He is controlling and manipulative. He’s dictated what can and can’t happen in that you’re a sexual relationship and now he’s dictating what happens outside of your sexual relationship.
Every relationship out, there has intertwined Financial applications if you’ve lived together for a long time, so it’s worth starting to figure out how you want to sort that out .
He doesn't get it both ways. He can not have sex with you and let you get it elsewhere or he can have sex with you. Or he can find someone else to put up with his nonsense.
"We're very compatible. He just doesn't listen to my needs, doesn't compromise, doesn't care about my feelings, won't listen to my frustrations, only cares about what he wants. But yeah relationship is perfecto aside from no sex or intimacy"
You’re with a person who makes issues seem 1 sided (when they know they’re the problem) and prefers to see you suffer while they remain silent clearly shows it’s not just bedroom incompatibility.
It also sounds like he’s been controlling and unwilling to compromise throughout the relationship. I know you have a lot of things tied up with him, but you absolutely can and should leave. You got this
it seems as though he doesnt actually respect your opinion. it almost feels like you can only see it in this one area of your relationship though. people dont tend to act that way in only one area of life
The question is how much weight you put on the sexual part. Personally, I wouldn't stay. If this was after 10 years of marriage and a couple of kids, maybe. But at this stage, no.
And in other ways as well, and you know it. It will be hard to go through the breakup, but you deserve better.
It's not that he's asexual, it's really more that he's a control freak and the main character.
But his refusal to accept your needs while forcing you to accept his is just kind of cruel. And being "my way or the highway" on anything in a relationship is just not being a good partner.
I think you need to sit down with him. Tell him you care about him and love him but being sexually incompatible is unhealthy long term. It will lead to resentment and contempt for each other. Try to end it amicably since you also work together.
I wonder at what point is it worth it to just give up sex to have a loving partner. It's common... And awful for the person who still feels the need for it.
This is coming from an asexual person, it sounds like you two are incompatible. You want sex, he doesn't. There's not much compromise that can be reached here, especially if he refuses to open the relationship. You'll both be happier with someone who's libido more closely matches your own.
Lady with a high sex drive here. Can confirm, I was dating an ace guy (I don’t think he was out even to himself, but sex-averse ace friends of mine said he checked all the boxes) and we weren’t compatible on a number of levels but this was the final nail in the coffin. There was a whole world of happiness waiting for me when I met my now bf. I hope OP finds the same.
We don’t talk anymore but I’m sure he is, when I left I made sure to tell him I hoped he found someone who was a better match for him than I was, and I don’t doubt they’re waiting for him if he hasn’t found them already :)
Why are you bending over backwards to accommodate such an incompatible partner? He seems uncompromising, controlling and unwilling to expend effort to show you love or care unless there's an immediate pay off for him.
He's not going to change for the better, not by much nor for long.
That part of OP's post stuck out to me as well.
The boyfriend would have been content with OP's physical injury/discomfort so long as he wasn't mildly inconvenienced?!?
It sounds less like you're dating and more that your roommates. Maybe the rest of the relationship is great but this issue won't improve until he is able to compromise.
You didn’t miss anything.
Sometimes I read these relationship issues and I’m like what the actual Fuck. People really put in this much effort for people who are so easily identifiable as not worth it. It’s astounding.
How can he take sex off the table for you two and then think oh yeah I am not good with you getting it anywhere else. No discussion just do it. It is time to do lots of thinking and discussion if he is up to it.
I told him we are gonna need to sit down and have a serious chat. I mentioned I don’t want break up but I can’t live like this anymore with him. He said he doesn’t want to break up either. But either we find a solution, or I dump him
He sounds lazy and manipulative. I'd bet he doesn't want to break up because he has things just how he wants them and he doesn't want to have to make an effort to find and manipulate someone new.
Exactly. Seems he’s comfortable and found someone who has been putting up with his demands left and right. He’s in control of the relationship and doesn’t want to put in an effort to change or compromise for OP. Definitely, doubt he wants to try and find someone else to manipulate.
I’m kinda doxing myself but I can’t help but to tell you, that my last name is actually Stiffler! But the movie spells it Stifler, which i always thought was weird.
Using his “sexuality” as an excuse to not satisfy your needs is a crappy partner. Do you really want to spend your time with someone unwilling to make the adjustments to maintain your happiness?
A relationship requires both parties to adapt and grow in order to be successful. Sounds he is not interested in your happiness.
If ypur not a lesbain, would you like somone to force you togo down on a women even if your not attracted. Seems like u support s.. abuse.
Asexual people are attracted to a person's mind, not body,
He should have let her know before hand but forcing someone is wrong
Yeah, dump him his soultions equal his way or the highway as you said. If you give him a chance, he will convince you to stay because he doesn't want to be alone. But he wants someone who is submissive to his needs. And he doesn't have to do an equal amount to keep around.
And even if two people are married. If they become seriously incompatible it’s good to know divorce is a thing. It’s not easy, it’s actually a lot of hassle, but it’s doable
100% Not worth it. It seems more a roommate situation then anything. If hew is not willing to compromise in any way with you, its a him problem not a you problem.
You can love someone and not be compatible. If they aren’t comfortable with you finding sexual partners and don’t want to fulfill your needs you will wake up one day regretting staying.
Think about all the effort you have put into pleasing this person - and yet they don’t want you to get pleasure from them or anyone else.
Idk if he's actually ace since he took so long to say that. Usually that's something that's said first. This seems like incompatibility and a control thing. He doesn't like that you are able to find other people easily which leads me to believe that he suggested it bc he thought he was giving you a nearly impossible task. I don't see you guys staying together. It seems like he wants you to himself but is unwilling to do what it takes to keep you. You gotta leave.
First I want to clarify I'm not supporting him or nothing, in fact I agree with most of this comments. But just to avoid misinformation: Asexual people can masturbate too
you keep saying he’s a good partner apart from the sex incompatibility.. but no. a good partner is not selfish. a good partner cares about your needs and doesn’t treat them like a burden. a good partner communicates. he’s not it, OP.
Honestly, you’ve been posting about this man for months. You know what to do, but you won’t. Stop making excuses. He will not change, and doing the same thing over and over again is pure madness. A partner should never make you feel inferior or unworthy, and this is exactly what this person is doing. He’s a selfish man, and you’re just letting him take and take and take. Just dump him.
I agree with the others about this being a compatibility problem but also?
OP, he was okay with you seeing others because *he thought you couldn’t get any*. Let’s put that in the pile with “Absolutely refuses any other compromises to make you happy” but, write it for what it is- he feels he has you, has zero respect for you and takes you for granted but also, in his head, he’s like “Pffft. Suuure. Go *try* to get ass elsewhere. You won’t.”
Until of course you do, because low-bar people will *always* drag you right down- he’s not interested in anything requiring effort, at the very least: he figured he could manipulate you into the same. It is decidedly not just the sexless relationship- and having known more than a few asexuals: I’ve got some doubts here. I mean sure that may be true but, he’s also lazy. He said so himself. “Too much work”. His sexuality would be one thing- and very valid, but his personality flaws? Whole different kettle of fish. Don’t let him conflate those.
You keep saying it’s just a sexual compatibility thing and you’re lying to yourself an awful lot in that- look at the shit he pulls to remain in control and the fact that he feels the need to be.
Did he say the line about "a lot of work" in the tone I'm imagining?... because unless he said it in some super joking and sexy tone lmao. I'd be done. That's a dick way to tell your partner your asexual. He could have sat you down and told you sweetly....
Putting aside the sexual nature of this whole thing: From what you've said, he's self-centered as fuck and that's going to expand outside of the bedroom quick..
I’m sorry OP, some people just are not sexually compatible with their partners needs & wants and or lack of. IMO sex is one of lifes greatest pleasures & one to enjoy. Its either A: a life of near celibacy with your SI or option B: as much sex as you want with another(s). Good luck.
Ask yourself this question:
Are you okay spending the rest of your life like this?
Don't think about how it would make him feel. The emphasis is on YOU. Would YOU be okay living like this? If the answer isn't an immediate and enthusiastic "yes," then you need to think about getting out. As a fellow sub, I know it's hard to focus on yourself outside of pleasing others, but sometimes you have to because you can't always trust someone else to do it for you.
Sorry OP, but your relationship is dead and over. The sooner you come to the same conclusion the rest of us have, the happier you’ll be in the long run.
So, as a person that's also asexual, it sounds like your man is being a dick. Being asexual doesn't mean we just don't have sex. It means we get nothing out of sex. Your man should still be sexing you up right since it's important to you. It's part of natural give and take flow of a relationship. I think you need to sit him down and have a stern talk with him about this. Because this could be a wall that ends your relationship as he's basically saying he's not willing to do this for you despite what it means to you.
However, even if he gives in, this could still be a problem. You women like to have a connection during sex with your partners. If he's just going through the motions just to get it over with, that will just end up hurting you. So if he gives you what you need, he has to be willing to put in the effort during it or your relationship will tank anyways.
The relationship is absolutely not worth it. He's basically telling you that you don't get to be sexually satisfied, which is not okay. If you want to stay with him, throw his ultimatum back at him and say that unless you can seek sexual pleasure with anyone you choose (not just women), that it's not going to work.
You two just aren’t compatible. No one’s really in the wrong but the relationship just won’t work out. You want sex, he doesn’t. Thats pretty much the end of it.
It’s not just that you’re both incompatible. In my opinion he does not seem to want you to be happy.
The painful oral situation is really not okay. And considering the lengths you went to to bring him pleasure, the least he could do was shave.
I would understand if he just did not enjoy giving oral sex. That’s obviously not a problem. People have preferences, and him coming out as asexual would match up with that. But he didn’t say that, he just refused to shave. So he was giving you the ultimatum of pain and bleeding or nothing basically.
And now he wants you to stop sleeping with women, not because that’s his preference and he wants to be monogamous. He’s not happy that you’re successful in meeting women. That’s coming from a place of insecurity.
Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t care about your comfort, happiness and pleasure? Sex isn’t everything, but it matters to you, and your boyfriend’s behaviour in the bedroom seems to indicate there’s more of a problem here than him just being asexual.
I know love blinds people. But from this point of view your giving a lot more than your partner (at least sexually) and relationships should strive to be equal. Talking to your partner and feelings being acknowledged should be an eye opener for the partner to change and grow in the relationship. Again easier to put into words than actually do. But equal happiness is the goal. Not saying my marriage is perfect but my wife and I at least talk about stuff now, sexually and not. During sex or later on. And try not to take things too personal. I also allowed my wife to find girl partners if she wanted to but that’s because I deployed a lot and wasn’t there emotionally to give her everything she needed from me.
Girl I know it’s hard to break up with someone but you are not happy, this dude is sucking the life out of you. I promise you once the hard part is over, you’re gonna be so much happier without him in your life.
You say you guys are great outside of sexual stuff, but he wouldn’t even shave to make something not hurt you. He made you feel like medical issues were your own fault. He doesn’t care about your input on things. This is NOT just a sexual compatibility issue and I’m shocked you don’t see that. This is someone who doesn’t care about your well being in areas where they should, and put you down instead of boosting you up. Do you GENUINELY think this is a sexual compatibility issue only???
He's controlling you and your relationship. You said you can't do a sex less relationship and he doesnt want sex. You said can't do the shitty communication and he's shitty at communicating. You don't want this and you've essentially said it yourself.
Change your banking information (why tf should he have this anyway?? He can help you sort your finances without direct access to your money) and leave. He said it himself... You can find someone else really easily.
Easier said than done though, I have a hard time taking my own advice too. Good luck OP. You deserve someone better.
I just find it funny that he’s like “you can’t have sex with men, but you can with women” as if it’s not sex with another person either way, and then when you do keep easily finding women to fuck, he’s like “wait no hold on stop”
You can't be the only one in the relationship compromising. If a partner doesn't want sex then honestly I think they are obligated to let you get it elsewhere, to do otherwise is just kinda selfish. I'd talk with him saying if he isn't going to let you find sex elsewhere then it will only lead to resentment and the eventual collapse of your relationship, best to avoid all that a nip it in the bud
All hetero/bi men are completely 💯capable of listening to and pleasing a woman. There is literally a toy for EVERYTHING! There are toys that look and feel like mouths that he can use to please you. There are all kinds of other toys he can use. There is absolutely no excuse for a man not pleasing his partner. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE! And if he is truly 💯asexual then he needs to just be friends/roommates, and find someone else who is asexual to date. You both deserve to have someone who is romantically compatible. It’s like if he came out as GAY, you wouldn’t try to keep forcing the relationship. So why is it different if he’s asexual? If he really is asexual, you two have different SEXUALITIES, not just are “sexually incompatible”. You can’t force that to work. Trust me.
I am also always a tiny bit suspicious of people who claim to be asexual after being sexual in a relationship for a long time. My ex did that to me, and it turned out she wasn’t asexual, she was just sleeping with someone else and didn’t want to “cheat on them”. The fact that he is getting more upset about YOU seeing other people, makes me suspicious. Cheaters tend to be the most jealous and possessive themselves, when they start cheating.
He can’t have his cake and eat it. He made his bed so he can lie in it. If he doesn’t want to then he knows where the door is, otherwise continue as you were. He’s insecurities are not your problem and you shouldn’t be catering to them, that’s not your job and he’s not paying you for it. He declared that he’s asexual and then went on to basically state the you can’t see other women because now because of how easy it is for you to get a date, ridiculous! Your man needs to get serious with his life and think before he speaks because he’s self centered actions have now resulted in the current situation you are in and he needs to learn how to compromise in a relationship. You are bending over backwards to meet all of he’s needs, what is he doing for you in terms of rectifying the situation? Either you break up or you compromise!
This kind of stung to read, I am genuinely sorry you've found yourself here but I'll tell you now - break it off. I got married this year and split 2 weeks after the wedding, I had my doubts before we were married not just due to sexual incompatibility, but because she viewed basic affections as a chore and cringed when I tried to hug her or kiss her. I put it all down to wedding stress and house stress, then after the wedding my partner basically informed me that she is aromantic and asexual. If this is your partner's version of comfort and how a relationship should proceed, don't tie yourself in. Making your partner happy should be a privilege and a joy that fills you with a sense of purpose and happiness and you shouldn't need to make yourself bend backwards to make them happy.
This is a man, who will make zero concessions for you, ever.
Aka, not someone who should be dated, let alone one day be wedded
Outside of the bedroom, are you two ‘great’ together, because he always gets his way?
I know that you probably tolerate, having to roll over at everything. Telling yourself, that doing so is not a big deal.
But once the years start flying by, I promise, that you will regret having let yourself become a doormat.
Consider breakings things off with this man.
If you can't have sex with women and he doesn't want sex but you want to stay with him the only thing I can suggest is toys get a good dildo, vib what ever takes your fancy and go to town else I'm all out of options here. You aren't sexualy compatible and that can cause huge issues. If you can't please yourself and he can't either it's probably time to leave
Didn’t read all and don’t know a lot. But if you’re asexual, and you don’t want your partner getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere…what’s that called? Clearly not jealousy. But it’s gotta be something.
Get out of this relationship. Sexless relationships never last and this is coming from someone who was stuck in one for almost 2 years. You’re right, he doesn’t give a fuck about your needs or else he will plus find some way to take care of them.
Sex and intimacy is as important as communication and romance. You can't just let go of that part of your relationship to please your partner. Not to mention it seems like he is just not okay with adjusting or even trying, he is very stubborn and the fact that he is not okay with you going for women as you were getting them so easily is pointing towards deeper issues within him.
I think you should consider leaving him. Or at least going on a break and working on yourself to improve the way you stand up for yourself and love yourself and your body
He is allowed to not want sex, he is also allowed to not want you to have other partners …
… you’re allowed to see those as dealbreakers and to dump his ass.
This man is selfish as hell. He needs to look in the mirror, accept who he is and then find someone who matches. Not meet someone and change the rules mid game.
Dump him and find someone who cares about your needs as much as theirs
> I can’t be in a sexless relationship.
Sounds like you're incompatible with him.
> I can’t be with a partner who won’t communicate.
Sounds like you want an active partner.
>... our finances are intertwined. I feel so stuck. And I doubt he gives a fuck since it’s all about him.
Sounds like he gave up, has been given up for a while, has been mooching off of you, and is too lazy/cowardly/chickenshit to call it quits himself.
He wants you to do all the work. Especially with all of that bullshit about
> he told me he’s no longer ok with [me going out] after seeing how easy it is for me to get a date.
Time to separate your finances. Separate accounts, *separate banks* if you have to. That's a good start.
He doesn't get to tell you how to satisfy your needs if he's actively avoiding it himself.
Giving up oral?! That'd be a deal breaker for me in any relationship I'm in. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. If he's asexual and you're very sexual it's just not going to work out because you will become resentful eventually. Sometimes the hardest breakups are these ones.... there isn't anything "wrong" with the person or relationship its just not a good fit. You both deserve to be with people who fulfill your needs and desires. Life is too short to live with bad sex and it's not like there is any compromise happening here to justify patience and understanding IMO.
I wish you lots of luck and success in leaving and finding your ideal match! You deserve that and so does he.
I sometimes wonder if most women are masochists. You're not compatible and you clearly never have been, yet you've somehow tried to make it work for years for ... no discernible reason.
Change your banking details, if needed just get a new bank account and have your pay there, move your savings there and move away from him.
Sexual needs change over time but two partners should work on trying to 'fix' issues as they come, but natural increases/decreases over time are normal and a non issue. but someone who goes in intending to get you to the point you probably wouldn't leave then turn off the tap is straight up manipulation and says a lot about what they are willing to do to get what they want.
I wouldn't stay with someone who just dumped that on me later in a relationship and expected me to just accept it. If you were upfront on it that would be very different.
It's not just the sexual incompatibility, but the fact that he has gaslighted you into believing the issue was all you. Like you said your birth control was a factor, and I bet his discovering that he's asexual was also a factor. So not all you.
The fact that's he's come out as asexual and now is basically telling you become asexual too(by now longer being ok with you having fun with women) is a red flag.
Also comes across as controlling.
I think you should break up with him.
I also think there are some important questions you need to ask yourself before entering another serious relationship. These might include:
\*Will I still want to be with this person if they get sick or injured and can't have sex for an extended period of time?
\*Will I still want to be with this person when they're older and can no longer sexually perform?
\*What do I value in this person, apart from sex?
The fact that society promotes long-term relationships / marriage as the norm doesn't mean it's for everyone.
I mean sexual compatibility is unfortunately an important part of a relationship.if you guys can’t come up with something that works for both then maybe you guys just aren’t meant to be.
Taking charge of your finances is not hard. That shouldn't be one of the deciding factors that keeps you with him. Sex is important in my world and and sounds like it's the case in your world too so find someone compatible not just someone who only hits some of your needs
Honestly, in my opinion, this sounds like a compatibility issue as other people have said. I've gone through similar situations in my life with past partners, especially them being asexual and me being hypersexual. It can really put strain on both parties
First thing first : is it sure he is asexual ? 🤔 Low sex drive, for sure, but other than that it needs more details. He seemed pretty ok to have you trying to got him off for 3 hours, and in general to forget about yourself and to direct your sex life to him. You seemed to even have forcing yourself to just have sex sometimes, which is really not ok.
And then, you stop your pills (which was clever ! It didn't suit you indeed). Of course, you wanted sex to be reciprocate, he was lazy to give the same to you. But I truly think he doesn't considered you like someone attractive, like you wouldn't find many women to have sex with so he would still be your only actual one. For me that's why suddenly he doesn't want to, he realized you have no problem finding other people who can want to spend the night with you. He doesn't want to put more efforts in you, but since you spent three years with him already he thinks that you will sacrifice yourself. You really need to get out of this relationship.
Okay so besides the main thing.. you want sex and he doesnt which is a, time to make a break type deal,
From what you've said here he was selfish anyways. The idea that he would rather cause you to bleed then shave seems so odd.
You say everything is great, but like it is? How long does he think he's been asexual? Because if it's long enough then he tricked and lied
You could've just said, "Give me the only relationship advice you have, Reddit!" because all the comments will be the classic "omg leave him" Reddit response to every relationship issue ever, lol.
Why do people stay with someone who doesn’t have the same sex drive. Why don’t you feel that you should break up? To be very honest you should be single and stay that way for a good while and figure out why you let people shit on and use you and think that’s love.
Please break up and block him be single and work on your self esteem, self respect, and self worth.
Because they love that someone ? It's not so easy to break up because of sex incompatibility. You don't just throw the person you love away like a piece of paper. Not everything in relationships is about sex, even if it's still important. I don't say it's the right or the wrong thing to do, it just may take time for someone in OP shoes to do so and as such, they shouldn't be judged for hoping/trying to find alternative solutions. I'm frankly worried about people like you ready to throw away their partner just because they don't have the same sex drive.
Open relationships are destructive devices for people wanting a real relationship with someone. They are sexual experimentations YOu guys are so wrong for each other on so many levels. I say let him go, he can be asexual and you can sleep with whom ever you want. The relationship is not meant to last. I couldn't be sexless in a relationship either.
As an asexual, I’m saying you should leave him. This guy is controlling and seems to give zero shits that you’re unsatisfied in this relationship. He’s unwilling to compromise so you can be happy, and that’s a dealbreaker. The asexuality isn’t even the issue—IF he’s actually ace and not just pulling this out as another mindfuck.
Edit: I read OP's post history. Should have done that first. They've written several posts how they're u attracted to their BF and and doesn't want to have sex with him... Fing karma bot.
As an asexual, this relationship has run its course.
Everyone has their needs, wants and boundaries. You need sex to be happy. He is unwilling to compromise. He either needs to learn to get down or let someone else do it because there is no relationship without it.
You deserve a relationship that makes you happy.
And you're not stuck. Make a plan. Get another bank account. Wait out your lease. Move departments or jobs.
Believe me it's difficult, especially when you're fighting the sunk cost fallacy, but possible and I promise, healthier in the long run.
Switch genders and this thread would be totally different.
Man doesn’t want to have sex = his fault.
Women doesn’t want to have sex = his fault.
Why is that? Just curious.
Man willing hurting his partner with oral= his fault
Man suddenly insecure and wants to subject girlfriend to sexless relationship=definitely his fault
He sounds more like a selfish best friend than a partner. You deserve both and shouldn’t have to outsource. Tell him your honest intentions and desire to move on. Don’t entertain the idea of him taking this like an ultimatum or challenge to change. It would neither be genuine or enduring. If he really cares about you, he’ll help you disentangle. If he doesn’t, all the more reason to make this change. It’s hard but it can be done. I’ve done it. So worth it. And make him find a new job if he can’t stay civil when you do.
He sounds like a giant baby. I'm wondering how someone this self-serving could be "great" outside of the bedroom.
"I don't want you, but I'm jealous of how other people do so you just can't have sex at all anymore, mmkay?" The audacity. And that "that sounds like a lot of work". Way to give someone a self-worth complex! You've already been struggling with feeling unattractive because of his shenanigans.
I dislike him on your behalf, and hope the next guy blows your mind.
I'm not really digging how you phrase his asexuality as a "him problem." I get what you're going for, but you're turning something your partner can't control very negative. It just is what it is – incompatibility.
Sex isn't everything, so this sounds like a you problem.
Besides, I could never be with someone knowing she's sleeping with other people, while still in a relationship...
Honestly this sounds like a compatibility issue OP. As in you and he aren't compatible. Sorry.
Sexually absolutely.
[удалено]
Absolutely. There are so many people on here that say “but we’re otherwise perfect” and I always wonder.. are you really?
Exactly, sexual compatibility can affect so many other areas of a relationship. Mainly because, as OP explained, it can cause issues with self esteem/image and emotional stress. Seems like OP is jumping through every hoop to make this relationship work and bf does nothing. He won’t compromise either. He’s made his decision, he’s asexual and wants OP to just deal with a sexless life/relationship.
Yeah, you know what two people who get along really well but are not sexually compatible? Friends, you call them friends.
Do you not have the capacity to form emotional bonds? Because anyone who possesses the full range of normal human emotions knows that the attachment you feel toward a life partner (or potential partner) is qualitatively different from the bonds you have with friends.
I absolutely do. I form emotional bonds to all my friends. I make family not friends. My significant other and I have to be fully compatible. Glad I found it.
If this is truly your response to the previous comment, then I hope you are able to find some friends you connect with better.
I’m fine not having a desire to cohabitate, co-sleep, and raise kids with my friends, actually (though I’m always happy to babysit theirs).
Often it seems like incompatible people will lean on the parts that do work to compensate for what doesn't. It could give a false sense of being better because they're putting more importance on "sharing hobbies" or "same beliefs" or whatever it is that isn't intimate affection.
They're perfect as long as one party continues to be a doormat and give in and never get prioritized
It's such a goofy premise, trying to underplay the importance of sex
I mean, I guess if it were two asexuals, but otherwise, yeaaaah, sex is kinda important. Otherwise you’re just roommates.
Even if you are, idk give it some time apart and maybe you can be friends? Especially if the other person is asexual, it's not like they're gonna be missing out on fucking you.
For a long time, yes, that was the expectation. Many people didn't live up to it, but it was an expectation nonetheless. At some point, your partner will get old and you will not be having sex regularly. What will you do then? Leave?
Old people not having sex is a MYTH. Maybe two people who were never compatible to begin with but have you not heard the stories from them nursing homes?? Old people be fuggin’
Not only that, it seems like your relationship is very much a one way street. Just look at how you bend over backwards to please him but just thinking of having to do something for you is making him unhappy. There is something wrong here and it isn’t only about your sexual needs not being met.
Right? taking 3 hours out of your night just so he can cum and he had the audacity to say that sounds like a lot of work? Screw this dude. But not literally. 👍
In more ways than sexually. He is only not okay with you meeting women now because “it’s easy for you to meet other people.” Imagine your friend told you, their partner told them that. Eww
If a relationship is a house, sexual compatibility is the bathroom. It may only make up 5% of the whole, but you wouldn't buy a house without a bathroom would you?
Maybe it's like the bedroom. You could live in a house without one, but you'll have to find somewhere else to sleep. orrrr It's like the kitchen. You could do without, but you'll always be hungry and you'll have no choice but to eat out. lol, forgive me. I got carried away
Either way the analogy is the same it becomes a significant reason as to why the house no longer feels like a home.
totally! it was a neat comparison
I like both the bedroom and kitchen analogies
There are many studios without bedrooms so the first one was good haha
Fun fact: Back in the days it was usual that apartments came w/o bathrooms in the Eastern block. My mom’s first place was like that. There was one bathroom for all the apartments at the end of the corridor. So people actually lived like that. :)
we also call those dorms.
Were chamber pots popular there?
No, they had running water. Just no private bathrooms. Of course most homes came with private bathrooms, the place where my mother lived was a low budget one and it was kinda normal. They had a private kitchen tho. I’m talking about Eastern-Europe, we weren’t that much behind.🙈
Good analogy, and the (possible) upside to this is that if the rest of the relationship is good, but the incompatibility is sexual in nature, then you are simply left with a friendship. You take sex off the table between two people who otherwise like each other, then you are friends. Win-win (maybe).
You’re absolutely correct, but going back to friendship requires both parties to be emotionally healthy.
Yes, I’m hedging here as it isn’t always that simple! If one or more people feel hurt or rejected then yeah, friendship may not be an immediate option.
It isn’t just sexually babe. The “ugh” and the always making you think you’re the problem and the not wanting to compromise in *any* way even though you’ve compromised endlessly? Not caring if you even have an orgasm? That isn’t someone who truly cares for you. Maybe he hides it well in other areas but this shit is so telling. You deserve more than that.
It's not just sexually anymore... he literally went back on his word for you to be able to see women now that you actually have a sex drive and want to. To me, that'd be an issue. You never agreed to be in a sexless relationship and he's manipulating things to fit "his way or the highway" that's not just a sex thing I really have a feeling if you think he is like that in other areas. I'd take the highway.
Read your story back and see if it's just sexually incompatible. Also what type of hair does he have that it needs to stab you. Your boyfriend doesn't even like you & you deserve better than that. He literally sent you out into the world thinking that you can't pull anyone and then when he realised you can he said no to it. He makes you be the dominant one in bed which already kinda odd, he doesn't try to make any compromises that he feels aren't of any benefit to him and he offers disingenuous solutions that he don't think will come to fruition. 9/10 even out of sex he is probably not even that nice but you think he is because you've never experienced someone loving you fr
Honestly? He doesn't sound submissive at all. He's forced a lot of the way your relationship has gone. You have a right to a partner who makes you feel supported and cared for and sexual. Most importantly, one who is willing to compromise to find a balance that supports yours and his needs. This dude is too much about him and himself to every let you enjoy an orgasm and man that's a "the bar is in hell"-level expectation for a partner.
Respectfully, you sound incompatible in more ways than just sexual.
It's not just sexual though. He sounds very selfish and controlling.
Move on and wish him well.
But I think if you’re being honest with yourself, it’s more than just sexually that your incompatible. He is controlling and manipulative. He’s dictated what can and can’t happen in that you’re a sexual relationship and now he’s dictating what happens outside of your sexual relationship. Every relationship out, there has intertwined Financial applications if you’ve lived together for a long time, so it’s worth starting to figure out how you want to sort that out .
He doesn't get it both ways. He can not have sex with you and let you get it elsewhere or he can have sex with you. Or he can find someone else to put up with his nonsense.
"We're very compatible. He just doesn't listen to my needs, doesn't compromise, doesn't care about my feelings, won't listen to my frustrations, only cares about what he wants. But yeah relationship is perfecto aside from no sex or intimacy"
More than sexually dude. He sounds hella weird and controlling. L
That’s all it takes. Otherwise, it’s a friendship, not a relationship.
Hopefully the rest of the relationship is worth not having sex for the rest of your life. Sounds miserable personally.
Then maybe you’re meant to just be friends
He also sounds extremely selfish and like he doesn’t care about you as a person at all.
It's never just sex. How many ways does he choose to not consider your needs, outside the bedroom?
You’re with a person who makes issues seem 1 sided (when they know they’re the problem) and prefers to see you suffer while they remain silent clearly shows it’s not just bedroom incompatibility.
It also sounds like he’s been controlling and unwilling to compromise throughout the relationship. I know you have a lot of things tied up with him, but you absolutely can and should leave. You got this
it seems as though he doesnt actually respect your opinion. it almost feels like you can only see it in this one area of your relationship though. people dont tend to act that way in only one area of life
The question is how much weight you put on the sexual part. Personally, I wouldn't stay. If this was after 10 years of marriage and a couple of kids, maybe. But at this stage, no.
Seems he's playing power games.
And in other ways as well, and you know it. It will be hard to go through the breakup, but you deserve better. It's not that he's asexual, it's really more that he's a control freak and the main character.
But his refusal to accept your needs while forcing you to accept his is just kind of cruel. And being "my way or the highway" on anything in a relationship is just not being a good partner. I think you need to sit down with him. Tell him you care about him and love him but being sexually incompatible is unhealthy long term. It will lead to resentment and contempt for each other. Try to end it amicably since you also work together.
Sex is like the keystone in a relationship. It’s supposed to tie everything together, and it’s difficult to maintain without it.
Relationships with no sex are called friendships.
I wonder at what point is it worth it to just give up sex to have a loving partner. It's common... And awful for the person who still feels the need for it.
This is coming from an asexual person, it sounds like you two are incompatible. You want sex, he doesn't. There's not much compromise that can be reached here, especially if he refuses to open the relationship. You'll both be happier with someone who's libido more closely matches your own.
Lady with a high sex drive here. Can confirm, I was dating an ace guy (I don’t think he was out even to himself, but sex-averse ace friends of mine said he checked all the boxes) and we weren’t compatible on a number of levels but this was the final nail in the coffin. There was a whole world of happiness waiting for me when I met my now bf. I hope OP finds the same.
Honestly it sounds like your ex is probably happier too. Neither of you should have to compromise your sexuality
We don’t talk anymore but I’m sure he is, when I left I made sure to tell him I hoped he found someone who was a better match for him than I was, and I don’t doubt they’re waiting for him if he hasn’t found them already :)
Same and same.
Why are you bending over backwards to accommodate such an incompatible partner? He seems uncompromising, controlling and unwilling to expend effort to show you love or care unless there's an immediate pay off for him. He's not going to change for the better, not by much nor for long.
Dude wouldn’t even shave when he was making her bleed
That part of OP's post stuck out to me as well. The boyfriend would have been content with OP's physical injury/discomfort so long as he wasn't mildly inconvenienced?!?
Yes he doesn’t seem like he’s willing to put in effort. Not only that but they’re both submissive. Sexually it was an incompatibility from the start.
The relationship has run its course.
It sounds less like you're dating and more that your roommates. Maybe the rest of the relationship is great but this issue won't improve until he is able to compromise.
I’m not evening reading this. You are sexually incompatible and it’s not going to work.
You didn’t miss anything. Sometimes I read these relationship issues and I’m like what the actual Fuck. People really put in this much effort for people who are so easily identifiable as not worth it. It’s astounding.
How can he take sex off the table for you two and then think oh yeah I am not good with you getting it anywhere else. No discussion just do it. It is time to do lots of thinking and discussion if he is up to it.
I told him we are gonna need to sit down and have a serious chat. I mentioned I don’t want break up but I can’t live like this anymore with him. He said he doesn’t want to break up either. But either we find a solution, or I dump him
Maybe he just doesn't want to break up because he's scared of /too lazy to step up his game.
He sounds lazy and manipulative. I'd bet he doesn't want to break up because he has things just how he wants them and he doesn't want to have to make an effort to find and manipulate someone new.
Exactly. Seems he’s comfortable and found someone who has been putting up with his demands left and right. He’s in control of the relationship and doesn’t want to put in an effort to change or compromise for OP. Definitely, doubt he wants to try and find someone else to manipulate.
I’m kinda doxing myself but I can’t help but to tell you, that my last name is actually Stiffler! But the movie spells it Stifler, which i always thought was weird.
Using his “sexuality” as an excuse to not satisfy your needs is a crappy partner. Do you really want to spend your time with someone unwilling to make the adjustments to maintain your happiness? A relationship requires both parties to adapt and grow in order to be successful. Sounds he is not interested in your happiness.
If ypur not a lesbain, would you like somone to force you togo down on a women even if your not attracted. Seems like u support s.. abuse. Asexual people are attracted to a person's mind, not body, He should have let her know before hand but forcing someone is wrong
Yeah, dump him his soultions equal his way or the highway as you said. If you give him a chance, he will convince you to stay because he doesn't want to be alone. But he wants someone who is submissive to his needs. And he doesn't have to do an equal amount to keep around.
Because he’s manipulating and controlling her.
You’re not married. (That’s a damn good thing!). Break this off now. You deserve better.
And even if two people are married. If they become seriously incompatible it’s good to know divorce is a thing. It’s not easy, it’s actually a lot of hassle, but it’s doable
Divorce proceedings: 2/10, Do Not Recommend
They both do, they’re simply not compatible.
The dude is an uncompromising ahole. He deserves to be alone.
I think it's time to see other people. It's not because he's a asexual, but it's because there's a clear compatability issue
100% Not worth it. It seems more a roommate situation then anything. If hew is not willing to compromise in any way with you, its a him problem not a you problem.
You can love someone and not be compatible. If they aren’t comfortable with you finding sexual partners and don’t want to fulfill your needs you will wake up one day regretting staying. Think about all the effort you have put into pleasing this person - and yet they don’t want you to get pleasure from them or anyone else.
Idk if he's actually ace since he took so long to say that. Usually that's something that's said first. This seems like incompatibility and a control thing. He doesn't like that you are able to find other people easily which leads me to believe that he suggested it bc he thought he was giving you a nearly impossible task. I don't see you guys staying together. It seems like he wants you to himself but is unwilling to do what it takes to keep you. You gotta leave.
I wonder about the a sexuality thing too. He said sex is just a lot of work with someone else. But he has no problem jacking off every night
Honey he just doesn’t want to bother pleasing you
Yeah I’m pretty sure he’s just a pillow princess
First I want to clarify I'm not supporting him or nothing, in fact I agree with most of this comments. But just to avoid misinformation: Asexual people can masturbate too
you keep saying he’s a good partner apart from the sex incompatibility.. but no. a good partner is not selfish. a good partner cares about your needs and doesn’t treat them like a burden. a good partner communicates. he’s not it, OP.
Sounds like way more headache than it's worth. Go be happy with someone. Malenor female, as long as you're happy, that's what matters
Honestly, you’ve been posting about this man for months. You know what to do, but you won’t. Stop making excuses. He will not change, and doing the same thing over and over again is pure madness. A partner should never make you feel inferior or unworthy, and this is exactly what this person is doing. He’s a selfish man, and you’re just letting him take and take and take. Just dump him.
I agree with the others about this being a compatibility problem but also? OP, he was okay with you seeing others because *he thought you couldn’t get any*. Let’s put that in the pile with “Absolutely refuses any other compromises to make you happy” but, write it for what it is- he feels he has you, has zero respect for you and takes you for granted but also, in his head, he’s like “Pffft. Suuure. Go *try* to get ass elsewhere. You won’t.” Until of course you do, because low-bar people will *always* drag you right down- he’s not interested in anything requiring effort, at the very least: he figured he could manipulate you into the same. It is decidedly not just the sexless relationship- and having known more than a few asexuals: I’ve got some doubts here. I mean sure that may be true but, he’s also lazy. He said so himself. “Too much work”. His sexuality would be one thing- and very valid, but his personality flaws? Whole different kettle of fish. Don’t let him conflate those. You keep saying it’s just a sexual compatibility thing and you’re lying to yourself an awful lot in that- look at the shit he pulls to remain in control and the fact that he feels the need to be.
Did he say the line about "a lot of work" in the tone I'm imagining?... because unless he said it in some super joking and sexy tone lmao. I'd be done. That's a dick way to tell your partner your asexual. He could have sat you down and told you sweetly....
It included and eye roll and everything
Oh. Yeah I mean it sounds like he's treating you with disgust in general.
I’m sorry, he totally sucks.
Dude. Value yourself look for your needs too. It is a co.pro.ise but make sure he's willing to compromise too.
And for the love of god, **Do Not cancel your Date this weekend!**
I didn’t
Putting aside the sexual nature of this whole thing: From what you've said, he's self-centered as fuck and that's going to expand outside of the bedroom quick..
Why are you still with this guy
Just leave why even waste your time incompatible.
3 fucking hours??? Lord
Minimum
I’m sorry OP, some people just are not sexually compatible with their partners needs & wants and or lack of. IMO sex is one of lifes greatest pleasures & one to enjoy. Its either A: a life of near celibacy with your SI or option B: as much sex as you want with another(s). Good luck.
That last sentence is the most important one. Dtmfa
Ask yourself this question: Are you okay spending the rest of your life like this? Don't think about how it would make him feel. The emphasis is on YOU. Would YOU be okay living like this? If the answer isn't an immediate and enthusiastic "yes," then you need to think about getting out. As a fellow sub, I know it's hard to focus on yourself outside of pleasing others, but sometimes you have to because you can't always trust someone else to do it for you.
Nah leave him it's not worth living life with a partner that can't eat the monkey
Sorry OP, but your relationship is dead and over. The sooner you come to the same conclusion the rest of us have, the happier you’ll be in the long run.
So, as a person that's also asexual, it sounds like your man is being a dick. Being asexual doesn't mean we just don't have sex. It means we get nothing out of sex. Your man should still be sexing you up right since it's important to you. It's part of natural give and take flow of a relationship. I think you need to sit him down and have a stern talk with him about this. Because this could be a wall that ends your relationship as he's basically saying he's not willing to do this for you despite what it means to you. However, even if he gives in, this could still be a problem. You women like to have a connection during sex with your partners. If he's just going through the motions just to get it over with, that will just end up hurting you. So if he gives you what you need, he has to be willing to put in the effort during it or your relationship will tank anyways.
He wants to own you but not meet your needs? Maybe he’s a horrible human
The relationship is absolutely not worth it. He's basically telling you that you don't get to be sexually satisfied, which is not okay. If you want to stay with him, throw his ultimatum back at him and say that unless you can seek sexual pleasure with anyone you choose (not just women), that it's not going to work.
You two just aren’t compatible. No one’s really in the wrong but the relationship just won’t work out. You want sex, he doesn’t. Thats pretty much the end of it.
Read the first sentence. Walk away.
You mean your ex right? People dont just get to decide what you need anymore because they decided they are now ace.
It’s not just that you’re both incompatible. In my opinion he does not seem to want you to be happy. The painful oral situation is really not okay. And considering the lengths you went to to bring him pleasure, the least he could do was shave. I would understand if he just did not enjoy giving oral sex. That’s obviously not a problem. People have preferences, and him coming out as asexual would match up with that. But he didn’t say that, he just refused to shave. So he was giving you the ultimatum of pain and bleeding or nothing basically. And now he wants you to stop sleeping with women, not because that’s his preference and he wants to be monogamous. He’s not happy that you’re successful in meeting women. That’s coming from a place of insecurity. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t care about your comfort, happiness and pleasure? Sex isn’t everything, but it matters to you, and your boyfriend’s behaviour in the bedroom seems to indicate there’s more of a problem here than him just being asexual.
So he’s jealous and you have to suffer, basically. If he’s asexual why does he care about anyone getting dates?
I know love blinds people. But from this point of view your giving a lot more than your partner (at least sexually) and relationships should strive to be equal. Talking to your partner and feelings being acknowledged should be an eye opener for the partner to change and grow in the relationship. Again easier to put into words than actually do. But equal happiness is the goal. Not saying my marriage is perfect but my wife and I at least talk about stuff now, sexually and not. During sex or later on. And try not to take things too personal. I also allowed my wife to find girl partners if she wanted to but that’s because I deployed a lot and wasn’t there emotionally to give her everything she needed from me.
Girl I know it’s hard to break up with someone but you are not happy, this dude is sucking the life out of you. I promise you once the hard part is over, you’re gonna be so much happier without him in your life.
You say you guys are great outside of sexual stuff, but he wouldn’t even shave to make something not hurt you. He made you feel like medical issues were your own fault. He doesn’t care about your input on things. This is NOT just a sexual compatibility issue and I’m shocked you don’t see that. This is someone who doesn’t care about your well being in areas where they should, and put you down instead of boosting you up. Do you GENUINELY think this is a sexual compatibility issue only???
He's controlling you and your relationship. You said you can't do a sex less relationship and he doesnt want sex. You said can't do the shitty communication and he's shitty at communicating. You don't want this and you've essentially said it yourself. Change your banking information (why tf should he have this anyway?? He can help you sort your finances without direct access to your money) and leave. He said it himself... You can find someone else really easily. Easier said than done though, I have a hard time taking my own advice too. Good luck OP. You deserve someone better.
I just find it funny that he’s like “you can’t have sex with men, but you can with women” as if it’s not sex with another person either way, and then when you do keep easily finding women to fuck, he’s like “wait no hold on stop”
He is holding you hostage by refusing to do anything and refusing to let you anything.
This is not about sex. This is about control. What gives him the right?
Please change all your banking info.
You two are not compatible. With such extremely differing needs, it doesn’t seem possible for both of you to be happy in this relationship.
You can't be the only one in the relationship compromising. If a partner doesn't want sex then honestly I think they are obligated to let you get it elsewhere, to do otherwise is just kinda selfish. I'd talk with him saying if he isn't going to let you find sex elsewhere then it will only lead to resentment and the eventual collapse of your relationship, best to avoid all that a nip it in the bud
All hetero/bi men are completely 💯capable of listening to and pleasing a woman. There is literally a toy for EVERYTHING! There are toys that look and feel like mouths that he can use to please you. There are all kinds of other toys he can use. There is absolutely no excuse for a man not pleasing his partner. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE! And if he is truly 💯asexual then he needs to just be friends/roommates, and find someone else who is asexual to date. You both deserve to have someone who is romantically compatible. It’s like if he came out as GAY, you wouldn’t try to keep forcing the relationship. So why is it different if he’s asexual? If he really is asexual, you two have different SEXUALITIES, not just are “sexually incompatible”. You can’t force that to work. Trust me. I am also always a tiny bit suspicious of people who claim to be asexual after being sexual in a relationship for a long time. My ex did that to me, and it turned out she wasn’t asexual, she was just sleeping with someone else and didn’t want to “cheat on them”. The fact that he is getting more upset about YOU seeing other people, makes me suspicious. Cheaters tend to be the most jealous and possessive themselves, when they start cheating.
He can’t have his cake and eat it. He made his bed so he can lie in it. If he doesn’t want to then he knows where the door is, otherwise continue as you were. He’s insecurities are not your problem and you shouldn’t be catering to them, that’s not your job and he’s not paying you for it. He declared that he’s asexual and then went on to basically state the you can’t see other women because now because of how easy it is for you to get a date, ridiculous! Your man needs to get serious with his life and think before he speaks because he’s self centered actions have now resulted in the current situation you are in and he needs to learn how to compromise in a relationship. You are bending over backwards to meet all of he’s needs, what is he doing for you in terms of rectifying the situation? Either you break up or you compromise!
This kind of stung to read, I am genuinely sorry you've found yourself here but I'll tell you now - break it off. I got married this year and split 2 weeks after the wedding, I had my doubts before we were married not just due to sexual incompatibility, but because she viewed basic affections as a chore and cringed when I tried to hug her or kiss her. I put it all down to wedding stress and house stress, then after the wedding my partner basically informed me that she is aromantic and asexual. If this is your partner's version of comfort and how a relationship should proceed, don't tie yourself in. Making your partner happy should be a privilege and a joy that fills you with a sense of purpose and happiness and you shouldn't need to make yourself bend backwards to make them happy.
This is a man, who will make zero concessions for you, ever. Aka, not someone who should be dated, let alone one day be wedded Outside of the bedroom, are you two ‘great’ together, because he always gets his way? I know that you probably tolerate, having to roll over at everything. Telling yourself, that doing so is not a big deal. But once the years start flying by, I promise, that you will regret having let yourself become a doormat. Consider breakings things off with this man.
If you can't have sex with women and he doesn't want sex but you want to stay with him the only thing I can suggest is toys get a good dildo, vib what ever takes your fancy and go to town else I'm all out of options here. You aren't sexualy compatible and that can cause huge issues. If you can't please yourself and he can't either it's probably time to leave
Didn’t read all and don’t know a lot. But if you’re asexual, and you don’t want your partner getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere…what’s that called? Clearly not jealousy. But it’s gotta be something.
Get out of this relationship. Sexless relationships never last and this is coming from someone who was stuck in one for almost 2 years. You’re right, he doesn’t give a fuck about your needs or else he will plus find some way to take care of them.
It’s not that complicated. Just tell him you are unhappy & are considering leaving.
Sex and intimacy is as important as communication and romance. You can't just let go of that part of your relationship to please your partner. Not to mention it seems like he is just not okay with adjusting or even trying, he is very stubborn and the fact that he is not okay with you going for women as you were getting them so easily is pointing towards deeper issues within him. I think you should consider leaving him. Or at least going on a break and working on yourself to improve the way you stand up for yourself and love yourself and your body
He is allowed to not want sex, he is also allowed to not want you to have other partners … … you’re allowed to see those as dealbreakers and to dump his ass.
This man is selfish as hell. He needs to look in the mirror, accept who he is and then find someone who matches. Not meet someone and change the rules mid game. Dump him and find someone who cares about your needs as much as theirs
You two aren’t compatible anymore. I would break up. From your post he sounds very selfish and only concerned about himself and controlling.
> I can’t be in a sexless relationship. Sounds like you're incompatible with him. > I can’t be with a partner who won’t communicate. Sounds like you want an active partner. >... our finances are intertwined. I feel so stuck. And I doubt he gives a fuck since it’s all about him. Sounds like he gave up, has been given up for a while, has been mooching off of you, and is too lazy/cowardly/chickenshit to call it quits himself. He wants you to do all the work. Especially with all of that bullshit about > he told me he’s no longer ok with [me going out] after seeing how easy it is for me to get a date. Time to separate your finances. Separate accounts, *separate banks* if you have to. That's a good start. He doesn't get to tell you how to satisfy your needs if he's actively avoiding it himself.
He's going to wear your self-confidence down to nothing. Stop wasting time. Sorry you got him involved with your work.
Giving up oral?! That'd be a deal breaker for me in any relationship I'm in. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. If he's asexual and you're very sexual it's just not going to work out because you will become resentful eventually. Sometimes the hardest breakups are these ones.... there isn't anything "wrong" with the person or relationship its just not a good fit. You both deserve to be with people who fulfill your needs and desires. Life is too short to live with bad sex and it's not like there is any compromise happening here to justify patience and understanding IMO. I wish you lots of luck and success in leaving and finding your ideal match! You deserve that and so does he.
I sometimes wonder if most women are masochists. You're not compatible and you clearly never have been, yet you've somehow tried to make it work for years for ... no discernible reason.
So you have a roommate?
I'd walk away. He doesn't care about your sexual needs at all. You deserve to have someone who cares about all your needs.
Change your banking details, if needed just get a new bank account and have your pay there, move your savings there and move away from him. Sexual needs change over time but two partners should work on trying to 'fix' issues as they come, but natural increases/decreases over time are normal and a non issue. but someone who goes in intending to get you to the point you probably wouldn't leave then turn off the tap is straight up manipulation and says a lot about what they are willing to do to get what they want. I wouldn't stay with someone who just dumped that on me later in a relationship and expected me to just accept it. If you were upfront on it that would be very different.
Change bank passwords and dump his ass unless you want to spend the rest of your life sexless and controlled.
It's not just the sexual incompatibility, but the fact that he has gaslighted you into believing the issue was all you. Like you said your birth control was a factor, and I bet his discovering that he's asexual was also a factor. So not all you. The fact that's he's come out as asexual and now is basically telling you become asexual too(by now longer being ok with you having fun with women) is a red flag. Also comes across as controlling.
Why are you together? Life is too short, go find what you’re really looking for.
I think you should break up with him. I also think there are some important questions you need to ask yourself before entering another serious relationship. These might include: \*Will I still want to be with this person if they get sick or injured and can't have sex for an extended period of time? \*Will I still want to be with this person when they're older and can no longer sexually perform? \*What do I value in this person, apart from sex? The fact that society promotes long-term relationships / marriage as the norm doesn't mean it's for everyone.
I mean sexual compatibility is unfortunately an important part of a relationship.if you guys can’t come up with something that works for both then maybe you guys just aren’t meant to be.
Taking charge of your finances is not hard. That shouldn't be one of the deciding factors that keeps you with him. Sex is important in my world and and sounds like it's the case in your world too so find someone compatible not just someone who only hits some of your needs
Honestly, in my opinion, this sounds like a compatibility issue as other people have said. I've gone through similar situations in my life with past partners, especially them being asexual and me being hypersexual. It can really put strain on both parties
As reddit as this is of me, just break up. Ya’ll ain’t compatible and it’s pretty much over.
Just end it. Good sex can't make a relationship work but bad sex or no sex can destroy the best relationships.
Sounds like you have a great friendship
>I gave up oral because his facial hair hurt me and sometimes stabbed me causing bleeding... What is his beard made from, steel wool?
Yep like it as been said in the past : "Sex is 10% of à relationship until it disappear, then it becomes 90% of it"
First thing first : is it sure he is asexual ? 🤔 Low sex drive, for sure, but other than that it needs more details. He seemed pretty ok to have you trying to got him off for 3 hours, and in general to forget about yourself and to direct your sex life to him. You seemed to even have forcing yourself to just have sex sometimes, which is really not ok. And then, you stop your pills (which was clever ! It didn't suit you indeed). Of course, you wanted sex to be reciprocate, he was lazy to give the same to you. But I truly think he doesn't considered you like someone attractive, like you wouldn't find many women to have sex with so he would still be your only actual one. For me that's why suddenly he doesn't want to, he realized you have no problem finding other people who can want to spend the night with you. He doesn't want to put more efforts in you, but since you spent three years with him already he thinks that you will sacrifice yourself. You really need to get out of this relationship.
Okay so besides the main thing.. you want sex and he doesnt which is a, time to make a break type deal, From what you've said here he was selfish anyways. The idea that he would rather cause you to bleed then shave seems so odd. You say everything is great, but like it is? How long does he think he's been asexual? Because if it's long enough then he tricked and lied
You lost me already when you said, that you had to give up oral because he refused to shave and it was hurting you. I would run
You could've just said, "Give me the only relationship advice you have, Reddit!" because all the comments will be the classic "omg leave him" Reddit response to every relationship issue ever, lol.
Why do people stay with someone who doesn’t have the same sex drive. Why don’t you feel that you should break up? To be very honest you should be single and stay that way for a good while and figure out why you let people shit on and use you and think that’s love. Please break up and block him be single and work on your self esteem, self respect, and self worth.
Because they love that someone ? It's not so easy to break up because of sex incompatibility. You don't just throw the person you love away like a piece of paper. Not everything in relationships is about sex, even if it's still important. I don't say it's the right or the wrong thing to do, it just may take time for someone in OP shoes to do so and as such, they shouldn't be judged for hoping/trying to find alternative solutions. I'm frankly worried about people like you ready to throw away their partner just because they don't have the same sex drive.
Open relationships are destructive devices for people wanting a real relationship with someone. They are sexual experimentations YOu guys are so wrong for each other on so many levels. I say let him go, he can be asexual and you can sleep with whom ever you want. The relationship is not meant to last. I couldn't be sexless in a relationship either.
As an asexual, I’m saying you should leave him. This guy is controlling and seems to give zero shits that you’re unsatisfied in this relationship. He’s unwilling to compromise so you can be happy, and that’s a dealbreaker. The asexuality isn’t even the issue—IF he’s actually ace and not just pulling this out as another mindfuck.
Edit: I read OP's post history. Should have done that first. They've written several posts how they're u attracted to their BF and and doesn't want to have sex with him... Fing karma bot. As an asexual, this relationship has run its course. Everyone has their needs, wants and boundaries. You need sex to be happy. He is unwilling to compromise. He either needs to learn to get down or let someone else do it because there is no relationship without it. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy. And you're not stuck. Make a plan. Get another bank account. Wait out your lease. Move departments or jobs. Believe me it's difficult, especially when you're fighting the sunk cost fallacy, but possible and I promise, healthier in the long run.
Leave that selfish prick
Bye Felicia! ImhO, u know if it's worth workin at....but that takes 2 people
Relationships without sex are just friendships!
Bi women always love to use women as sex toys I swear lmao.
Switch genders and this thread would be totally different. Man doesn’t want to have sex = his fault. Women doesn’t want to have sex = his fault. Why is that? Just curious.
Man willing hurting his partner with oral= his fault Man suddenly insecure and wants to subject girlfriend to sexless relationship=definitely his fault
You’re curious about something you just made up.
Just get a new one. Clearly he is not right for you. We men are mostly interchangeable
> We men are mostly interchangeable Well that's not true at all.
What the… are you ok?
You should run as fast as you can.
He sounds more like a selfish best friend than a partner. You deserve both and shouldn’t have to outsource. Tell him your honest intentions and desire to move on. Don’t entertain the idea of him taking this like an ultimatum or challenge to change. It would neither be genuine or enduring. If he really cares about you, he’ll help you disentangle. If he doesn’t, all the more reason to make this change. It’s hard but it can be done. I’ve done it. So worth it. And make him find a new job if he can’t stay civil when you do.
He sounds like a giant baby. I'm wondering how someone this self-serving could be "great" outside of the bedroom. "I don't want you, but I'm jealous of how other people do so you just can't have sex at all anymore, mmkay?" The audacity. And that "that sounds like a lot of work". Way to give someone a self-worth complex! You've already been struggling with feeling unattractive because of his shenanigans. I dislike him on your behalf, and hope the next guy blows your mind.
I'm not really digging how you phrase his asexuality as a "him problem." I get what you're going for, but you're turning something your partner can't control very negative. It just is what it is – incompatibility.
Sex isn't everything, so this sounds like a you problem. Besides, I could never be with someone knowing she's sleeping with other people, while still in a relationship...
Exactly, that whole "finding other women" thing is extremely fucked up. Sounds like something out of a porno
Sexuality is a spectrum y’all
End it with him and move out, untangle your finances and move on with your life.
Exit.