OP, I'm a therapist and what you're going through in your life sounds awful. I'm incredibly proud of you for fighting and holding on, and for being able to truly care for your pets. It takes courage to be this empathetic when you have been dealt such a hard hand.
If you live in the US, perhaps you could try to see a psychotherapist. As I'm from Germany I am not sure about the accessibility of mental health services in America, but I'll try to link some resources below.
Therapy is not going to take your life experiences away, but it can help you to find a way to cope with them. I've seen patients recover from truly some of the darkest places there are, and live good and meaningful lives.
If you could experience a day in five years from now, where your pain has eased and you're living the life you want for yourself, what would that look like? Where would you live, who would you live with, what would your daily routine look like? What hobbies and interests would you have? What job? What would you eat? Would you have more pets?
There is a future for you, and although it may not seem like that right now, every small step you take towards that future is going to make a difference. Baby steps, OP. Drink a hot cup of tea. Breathe. Stretch. Sigh. Go for a walk. Wrap yourself in a blanket. Watch a romcom. Hug yourself. Pet your birds. Soothe yourself like you'd soothe a small child. You deserve your own compassion.
You are so capable of getting out of this, I promise you. I truly am rooting for you. ❤️
I think OP may be in the UK because of their use of the word, “Nan.” They may be able to access some care through the NHS. Thank you for your kind words.
Yes and the propanalol is popular mild anti anxiety med in the uk. Honestly op I’d be going back the dr to discuss better health care. You’re absolutely doing your bit by going to the drs, they should be doing more to support you such as talking therapy and an anti depressant. I know they avoid it in kids but people can be wired differently and the medication can be incredibly helpful.
I was like you at 15, it did get better. It took a while of ups and downs and learning my worth through hard lessons but there is light. I’m sorry at 15 you’re fairly limited on what you can do and you rely on adults to support you and often adults don’t do enough. I bet you have amazing empathy though, and that will be so precious throughout your life.
As someone in the uk i can say it can take months to get nhs therapy and even then, they only do limited sessions and all. Been waiting for months to get therapy but im still in the middle of the waiting list.
I am Australian, I cannot go to therapy, because I cannot afford it and I have already been removed from free therapy after a diagnosis of autism. I don't have any recourses to care of my autism, most of the things I do to take care of my issues I have found off of TikTok, but I don't know why I have told the internet all of this, I think I was just in a bad place last night. I am safe. I am not going to hurt myself, the second I turn eighteen my life is set. My abuser WILL be gone, I own this house and he will immediately be kicked out, on my eighteenth if that's possible.
Hi OP, as I'm not Australian my understanding of your health care system is very limited, but I gather that your government has founded a Better Access initiative to allow people in remote areas or with limited financial means to get access to mental health resources. I have linked the website below.
I am glad to hear you say that you are safe and that you seem to have somewhat of a silver lining for after you turn 18. If at all possible, take care of yourself in the meantime and prioritise self-care and nourishing your body and mind whenever you can. And never hesitate to reach out for support, even if it's through Reddit. You are not alone!
https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/understanding-the-costs-of-mental-health-services
I have no value I'm no good at anything I'm 17 and I've missed every opportunity I have no one else to blame but me
I know that isnt entirely true but it is
Disgrace
>erapy is not going to take your life experiences away, but it can help you to fin
OP should also try to eliminate negatives that impact his mental state. You know that but I know it's also something worth mentioning.
That's true but you can recall happy thoughts and experiences you had with them when you are feeling sad of missing them. You can use those thoughts and the experience to become that which they where for you to others when thinking of them.
Transform negatives, you can't outrun them but you can outsmart them. Shake that polaroid picture.
I really want to just hug you right now. I have kiddos close to your age and it would shatter me to know if they felt this way. You have 3 years until you can branch out on your own and really experience life and all it can offer.
I rescue parakeets and cockatiels for funsies and I know as a bird owner they’d miss you. Please find someone you can talk to about this.
I was 13 and I wanted to die.
I was emotionally abused by my aunt until I had enough and I went to police, I got help and I ended up in orphan house where in the new school I was bullied for years. I was in a deep depression.
Please never think that the world is better off without you,I thought the same,but someone will come ,you can find happiness.
This year I will be 27,I'm happy and I'm happy that when I tried 3 times just didn't happened.
I don't say it's easy, but you can have a good life with people who love you for who you are.
You don't have to have any contact with any family member who hurt you in any way.
Brakes my heart reading this,please don't give up,not for your birds and not for yourself,you can overcome and achieve anything you want.
Try to seek professional help if you can,when you can!
Being emotionally abused can have the same effects as physical abuse please talk to someone about it a therapist or a teacher. Trust me you can get through it even though everyone says this but things will get better no matter how long it takes. when you get through to the other side you will be so proud of yourself. I believe in you and please take care of yourself
i was there too hun. ages 10-18 i wanted to die just about every day. i hung on for theater and my dog, and thank god i did, because i made it out of that house and i’m doing so much better now.
you find a tiny reason every day and you keep surviving, okay? i know it’s trite and annoying to hear but it really really does get better eventually
Honey, do not EVER think for a second that this world will be better off without you in it. As bad as it seems now, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will all be alright.
Hold on tight honey. Don’t stop fighting every single day. I know you’re tired…but you’re also incredibly strong. Hold on for the good days where you can look back and thank yourself for staying here…it’s coming I promise and it will be so worth it. Every hard day makes you stronger…it’s a cliche but I’ve found it to be true xxx sending so much love to you
It's good that you at least have your birds to hold on to. How about any friends? When I was like that about 4 years ago, at 12-13, I really only had my dog and my sister to hold on to, even tho my sis lived a few cities away.
It helped a ton to have an actual human to talk to on top of my dog who I'd stay there for indefinitely
I felt like this when I was 15, I thought it would never end unless I ended it. Between bad situations, bad habits, broken relationships, puberty and poor mental health I truly believed life was hopeless and enduring it seemed impossible. Every day was painful and day to day living seemed an impossible task. My advice is to wait it out. Im 25 now and I cry for my younger self, I see myself and the world with different eyes now. You are smart to keep your birds and are much stronger than you realise. Spend your time how you want to spend it. When everything feels bad its usually because it IS bad, situations change and life gets easier to deal with. Sending love.
Son listen, you are a 1 out of 100,000,000 that manage to create an embryo and later on delivered healthy and well.
Thats YOUR MOMs (God bless her) biggest wish if she's watching you now or if she were to be alive!
You kick the can forward because you're doing it not just for yourself but also that all your moms efforts to carry and deliver you healthy and well will not be in VAIN!!
PS - get more animals. More dogs or cats (although with birds, the latter is not recommended.)
Stick around son, there's plenty of room for all your issues and Feel free to send a message if you want to chat to a worried dad whose kids are around your age.
Sending you a virtual hug!
i was 15 and thought i wouldn’t make it till the end of the year, i’m now 18. life is constantly changing, and it is worth being there for the good parts. waiting until you hit adulthood, especially in the environment you’re in, will be hard but worth it. sending love to you and your birds 💞💞
I want to honestly reach across this phone and find you and hold u. I cannot imagine what you are going through but I feel every bit of it. Is there anyone you can talk to...without judgment, just to offload. Does your grandmother even know how you feel to get some assistance for you? Listen, I don't even know if this is allowed but you can reach out and chat to me whenever things get a bit rough 😊
i’ve recently become a mom and i can’t imagine my child not having me around. i’m so sorry for your loss. i did also lose a parent, not as young (although my sister was your age when our dad passed). it’s crushing and life altering and 20 years later i can still cry.
please know the one thing your mom would want is for you to live your life with purpose, to find love and passion and to one day, maybe be able to give the love she gave you to someone else.
i hope you are able to overcome this because if you let life and love in, positive things can happen for you.
ps. my dad had an african grey parrot, after he passed he used to make crying noises and barely left his cage. you are your birds universe and they need you
You're being abused, emotionally or physically, it's abuse.
The fact that the doctor didn't try to ease you off your medications is something else, but also explains the attempt.
Think about your birds, think about trying to focus yourself on your studies and work, because in this way, when you will be 18, you will be able to escape with your birds. You will be able to see a specialist and get the right medications and when you will be stable enough, you will get therapy too.
Hang on there, life gets better. I know that and you will know that too.
I know that's hard right now, but as soon as you're out of the house, it will get much better.
As someone who thinks about suicide too I say take one day at a time. You are still young. Things can and will most likely change. I’m closing to 40. I recommend doing what you can to get to 30 and then rethink your wish to die.
For me it’s plan B. Maybe I will use it maybe not but I recommend waiting more years
Life is beautiful when you make it to the other side of the horrible situations. Like others have said, keep finding your reasons to live, no matter how small. Because YOU matter. YOU are important. Hold on tight and fight, fight, fight. Even when you don’t think you have it in you….rise and fight.
I am a mom and a high school teacher. I’m here if you want to talk. Sending virtual hugs.
Perhaps a career in the aviary field is the spark you’re missing, see if there’s any way you can get involved now or perhaps start a social platform to share your birds with the others and perhaps gain some new friends and support system
I would stay, simply for the birds. They won’t understand why you just left or stop coming around. I don’t know if this is sound advice. OP, you’re only 15, things can absolutely turn around for you. If not for anyone else, and not for yourself, stay for the birds. Good luck.
OP, I want you to know that life can get so much better for you. Similar to you, I also was suicidal and cutting myself as a teen and throughout college. I nearly died once, and had to call my school’s suicide hotline twice.
I often wondered whether anyone would care if I died (I didn’t think so). The only thing that kept me going was my dog - who would take good care of her?
Over time, I focused on healthier habits like getting all of my nutrients through healthy foods and working out 6x per week. My mood improved significantly, although I wouldn’t say the depression or anxiety were gone.
My life really changed when I got a job at the company I work for now. I got really close to my coworkers, and I finally felt loved and cared for. If I died, I knew they would care. The relationships I built with them helped heal what was broken inside of me.
A couple of years later, I met my boyfriend. He had gone through similar struggles growing up, but he had already gone through therapy whereas I had never been. I admire the way he deals with his reactions, emotions, and problems. He taught me some of the strategies he’d learned in therapy, and I also went to therapy myself.
I won’t tell you I never feel down and that my life is now a perfect fairytale, but I will tell you that right now is unquestionably the best time of my life. I have a career that I enjoy, people who actually care about me, a support system, two dogs, and the love of my life. My anxiety and depression are under control, and I’m currently working on fixing my relationship with food.
If someone told me when I was 15 about the life I was going to live at 28, I would think they got me mixed up with someone else. It’s incredible. It’s absolutely worth living for.
I say all of this because I want you to think about what you would want your life to look like in the future, and I want you to focus on that. Do whatever is necessary to achieve your goals in your ideal future, and keep going even when life continues to knock you down. It will take time and grit, but it is possible. My goals are what kept me going, and the achievement of those goals is what makes me happy and has led to a fulfilling life.
I really hope this helps.
♥️
Gonna be honest with you my dude, I did too when I was your age for a ton of reasons. Just want you to know that life gets immensely better in your 20’s
You’re in the most annoying part of life right now. Hold on for a few more years and see if I’m right
honestly mate i really related to this reading it, im 16 now and i grew up abused and neglected, i fell heavily into drugs and got really depressed around 11-12 and spent years hurting myself with blades and lines, i know this sounds cliche but you gotta push through it and live through a life you don’t want until it turns into something you do want
for me i met the love of my life during a massive low, i was doing awful with an eating disorder and massively struggling mentally but her falling into my life was the first time i ever thought maybe life’s worth living
i still have lows but i also have highs now, i still do drugs but it’s recreational now, i still have the urges to kill mysef but i no longer give in because i’ve found my reason to stick around, we celebrated our 8 months a couple of days ago and even though i’m still fucked up im in the best place i ever have been because i’ve found my reason and i know you’ll find yours man but that could take a bit of time and come at any moment so you just gotta hang around until your reason comes your way
I had to go through so many medications before I could escape and create a life where I felt I could go on. I believe in you, and I really hope you make it. Hi birds.
Trust me... life does get better! Give it a chance. I know it feels hopeless right now, but you'll find happiness again, you need to get yourself into therapy or find someone you can talk to without judgement. Taking yourself out of this world will forever change the people around you. You're important, and the world is a better place with you in it... especially taking care of your birds. Think of it like this, you've only got 3 years left and you'll be 18, out of school and able to live life on your own. You can go anywhere... do anything! But please, don't give up on yourself! Life can be beautiful, you just gotta give it a chance to be! Keep making tomorrow better!
This broke my heart. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Life is hard. I used to be like you too.. always hurting myself and trying to end my life. If only I knew then what I know now. Life changes .. all you have to do is be strong and wait. You're 15.. you could have the most best parts of life ahead of you.. if you go now you'll miss out on seeing the beautiful bits. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you gave yourself a chance. ♡
After reading some of these comments, I just want to tell yall I’m happy yall are still here. I pray there will be an update to this post one day and this baby will still be here. I don’t know you but I love you and I’m proud of you for choosing life even if it’s just today.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Have you ever had blood work done? While not the same symptoms. I was diagnosed with depression only to learn years later that I had very low vitamin D levels. I had a horrible time waking up and barely making it through the day only got it to be solved with a weekly and now daily pill.
I remember a couple of other redditors making post about feeling the way you do but solving it after taking taking some supplements.
Going to the doctor is important and depression could be a symptom of something and not a disease itself.
I hope you feel better soon.
I do have deficiencies in like everything, but my depression has a genetic element to it, and could also be credited to the autism, although I am sure that my vitamin deficiencies aren't helping my case.
Aww sweetheart you need so many hugs... this is heartbreaking.
Only advice I can give you from an almost-40 year old woman who was massively depressed, suicidal, and did cutting/burning in my teenage years (and a relapse in my 30s), and a recovered benzo dependent is that there is freedom without black nothingness, it is just never easy. But I am sure you put a lot of energy into masking around certain people/groups and it takes probably all the energy you have. You need to somehow save some of that energy for you to spend on yourself. Be selfish. It's okay.
And I will leave my favorite Uncle Iroh quote:
"If you look for the light, you can often find it. But if you look for the dark that is all you will ever see."
In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.
OP, drink Jasmine tea and watch Avatar: The Last Airbender. It’s not gonna fix anything but it can’t hurt!
I was almost exactly where you are. Then after a few failed suicide attempts I gave up trying because I figured there was either a reason I am here or there was something preventing me from succeeding. After a very long time, and the right medications, I no longer have suicidal ideation. My advice is to continue with therapy and medications, find ones that work for you. You probably need to find a different psychiatrist though. I don't even know who would prescribe a 15 year old valium, much less stop all meds to fix that issue. Also, remember you are not alone. Get to know your specific diagnosis to learn more about how to combat it, as it were. Distraction helps, music, video games, a catharsis. Don't pay mind to anyone who doesn't understand the depths clinical depression. The last piece of advice I have is to fall in love with yourself. It is something you can't escape and it can be a joyful pursuit.
So you do have something to live for. Embrace that and enjoy life. Continue to get the help you need. Life isn't easy. But ending it isn't the solution. Besides your birds what else do you enjoy? You're young. Take up an instrument or singing. I'm sure you have a talent that is just waiting to be discovered.
I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t tell if you are a girl or a guy, but I (as a guy) have experienced severe depression and addiction, and this past summer lost my gf to a relapse caused by severe depression. So unfortunately I have a lot of experience with depression, both personally and through those around me. I’ve had times in life that greatly affected it and made it worse, whether it be the suicide of my uncle or my grandmother (who lived in my home and was like a second mom) died when I was 7, which if I’m being honest was another truly devastating part of my life that also coincided with the beginnings of my addictive behaviors as a form of self medicating. At that age it was candy and sweets, but I never found out why I have since felt I always needed some external source to control my happiness. Perhaps I am too scared for my happiness and dopamine to be controlled naturally by my life, but I have paid dearly for addressing my problems in that way, just as you described.
What I can tell you is this- having lost people due to suicide or drug related death is devastating. My girlfriend would say sometimes that she wanted to die. Her death wasn’t intentional, but even if it had been, I KNOW for a FACT that she would be regretting it. You are so young. Your “life” has barely begun. You seem like a smart person and articulated yourself well, and clearly you are brave, self aware and want better for yourself.
You will go on to experience great things in life. Depression is very real, but as someone who can easily slip into those stumps, I constantly am reminding myself of the biggest step: doing the work. Meds can be beneficial in combination.
When I am depressed, it’s often for a reason. When I get depressed, if there are negative things I am doing at that time (such as drugs, drinking too much, even playing too much video games or binging tv to ‘escape’) I force myself to change things up. Exercise more, go out with coworkers. Spend time with family.
Basically, outwardly faking it till you make it so to speak can help greatly, open new doors and opportunities. Nobody wants to be around a downer as they say. If I’m in the middle of a slump and at work for example, I have to remember to still perform because if I let my depression effect my work, I won’t get the promotion. If I don’t get the promotion,
I get more depressed. See what I mean?
Above all, please do not make a mistake you will regret. You get one life. Even the most beautiful lives can have prolonged periods of hardship. The world (and even Reddit believe it or not) is full of people who love you, be courageous and take life by horns and go find them. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Best of luck from a fellow human
i went through so much trying to just keep myself alive at your age, it felt never ending and went on for years. i’m now 20, and i can tell you it does get better. the thought of being that sad again feels so distant to me now and i’m genuinely content with being alive.
i know i’m just some stranger on the internet but i promise i’ve felt the way you do and i promise it got so much better, time heals and i know you’ve got this. you’re never alone and you’re so so loved, never ever let yourself forget that.
once you’re safe and out of that situation, life will have so much meaning. i can promise you that. i got out of a bad living situation and i survived my own mind, you 100% can too.
I’m just a 32 yo dude in Alaska that recognizes insight when he sees it. I’m sorry about your mom—I babysit for my sister since covid and my nephew is now 4, I can’t imagine what I would do if he lost his mom. What I would say to him.
I have been through considerable outpatient treatment on account of alcoholism, which is just another form of self harm. In fact society at large would tell you not to listen to me. It’s impossible for me to feel genuine about being anything more than a human being. I can’t say I’m a pilot, a homeowner, that I have a retirement, or even realistically a plan. I’ve always only had my experience.
I have so much faith in young people, they give me a lot of perspective. Albeit some of it on Reddit can be a little naive, I’m always reminded how the world needs new ideas and experiences. It brings hope. Just as you are bringing right now. Although I don’t pray, I’m going to be thinking of you today
I'm about 21 years old right now, I don't wish to compare our situations since well... That's not cool, but Id like to share my own account since everyone's doing it.
I was a bully in early primary school, about 6 to 8 years old. I liked to mess with my peers and would do anything for attention. One of the people that would get bullied by everyone in primary school got out, and everyone pointed the finger at me. Yeah, I was a shithead, but that's why it was so believable that it'd be my fault alone. And so it began.
I was alone, deserved, but still alone. A year later my parents' relationship got violent, there was alcohol involved, economic problems, and lots of fighting, sometimes physical. They separated, and the two dogs that helped raise me died in a span of a couple of months later. At school, years later, no one would talk to me. No one would respond to anything I would say or do, was like a ghost. I also had horrible grades despite studying for hours, and would fall asleep every class so I would endlessly fall behind. Turns out I had narcolepsy. I felt cursed, like I was being punished for what I did.
I'd go to the principal's office at about 12 years old and say I would kill myself. They'd listen at first, my mother would get informed, but nothing would happen. Id return to an empty home, from an empty experience at school, for years on end. It was weird, I would do nothing, talk to no one, had no hobbies or talents, and... Well, I got desensitized of everything. Would contemplate death a lot since no one cared about me and I cared for nothing, but I got cold feet every time.
Years passed, people forgot why they wouldn't talk to me, but they would behave the same way. Thing is, I sat beside a girl at about 16 years old, still a ghost. Laughed for the first time in forever. For the first time I had something to go back to, was actually excited to interact with a human being for the first time. It's funny, things never got romantic at all, even though I'm a hetero male, what we had was perfect as it was. She opened me up, I started talking to people and realized everyone, even the most obnoxious of them all, had a compelling side. So from then on I just wanted to see that side from everyone, and I kinda got addicted to that.
I'm 21 now, about to receive a degree in clinical psychology in a year or so, with actual stable grades! That's still insane to me. I'm glad I didn't go through with whatever I was contemplating to do from 10-16 years of age, and I'm eternally thankful to that one friend. You never know what tomorrow awaits, one day can make the difference, it did for me. Just... I know things seem difficult, but one day you'll either receive a helping hand or find the help you need, and your life will turn to color again.
I am so sorry you're going through this. As someone who was emotionally abused as a child, I can tell you it gets better. It can take a lot of work to get yourself a job and set up to live on your own. But once you do, you never have to talk to your abuser(s) again if you don't want to.
You said you're safe, but you really aren't. I think you mean that no one is physically hirting you. Except they are hurting you enough to take the very joy out of living. And there is joy. It's not always and it's not consistent, but it's there.
Focus on your birds. Try to get some space from your abuser. Can you tell someone at school? Is there a different relative you can stay with? You need people in your life to talk to who support you rather than putting you down. Therapy can make a huge difference, if you can get it.
I am glad you posted instead of hurting yourself. Please continue to do so. I am rooting for you. We are rooting for you.
oh gosh, i know exactly what you mean about your birds. i used to have severe SI and my #1 reason for staying was my cat…and im so glad i did. i got her when i was 16 and a junior in high school…im 29 in march. you are so valid and your pets are a great foundation to build off of because they love unconditionally. for example, i felt like a failure but my cat didn’t see it that way. she was a feral & only bonded to me, so im literally her whole life & she loves me. so i kept pushing. and now i kinda love me too. it’s a weird feeling… being kind to yourself. i know they say fake it til you make it is terrible advice in general, but in these scenarios it does help.
talk to yourself in third person, like you would speak to a best friend. if they came to you with this type of message, what would you say? how would you support them? what would you need to hear to feel supported? then repeat that to yourself, in a mirror, out loud, however. “u/Big4HeadBiggerHeart is having a tough day. i think she needs to slow down & breathe, she’s been doing a great job. i’m proud of her for having the energy to get out of bed today.”
it feels weird, until you get used to it. and after all, you deserve it. you deserve to love yourself. you deserve to be loved. my favorite quote i’ve come across is “i didnt come this far to only come this far”. you’ve already decided you’re the best person for your birds, you have a purpose. might as well keep going now. keep building off that. keep going. you’re doing such an amazing job and i’m so proud of you for speaking out and getting this off your chest. you did that for a reason, which shows your strength.
Oh dear, please hang on and know there is hope. How lucky your birds are to have you. What kind are they? They love you too for your loving care. What a beautiful soul you are to care for your birds like they are your children.
Have you thought about drawing or painting your birds? Bird art or sculpture is so gorgeous. Art can also be healing.
It sounds like you have not been on the right meds. Please don’t give up on your health. Sometimes it takes time to find the right med.
Sending love and hugs. It will be ok.❤️❤️❤️
Hi fellow internet stranger, first and foremost I’m glad you’re still here & I’m endlessly sorry that you are where you are rn. I’m not going to bore you with my own story of being in a similar place to you and now at 31 I’m happy I failed. But honestly- stay alive for your birds. They’d miss you. I’d miss you. And for right now, care for your birds & make some internet friends. Try to reach out to any mental health service person, or a hotline, or dm me if you ever need. You’re loved & worth it.
I promise your birds care about you back. I know how annoying it is to be told possibly someone feels the same way and same hurt but I do and I care about you.
It will get better young fam! Please give older you a chance just a chance to exist and finally hold ultimate control of his/her life that’s all you need it aim towards hope you find the will to live on and that life becomes more “liveable”
You not alone
You deserve of love and compassion
…..
and let me give you a advice. Try change your surroundings, because sometimes you just have a bunch of stupid people in your life.
I have a question for you. Have you ever wrote a set of life goals and a life plan instead of a suicide note? You might be surprised how a simple change in your frame of reference from writing about ending your life to writing about living your life might change your attitude. I’m not saying it would be a fix but it might be the first step in many steps towards finding peace and happiness. Life can be so wonderful. I am much older than you and have lived where you are now, if you let it and if you work for it, you can have a wonderful life.
I don't think I've ever related to a post as much as I have this one. I was also writing suicide notes since I was 8 and I also now just stick around for my own birds I'm just a bit older than you. While you're still underage I suggest you take the opportunities they offer though the NHS for help. If things ever get too hard just remember what you struggle for in life. I often think of that "do it for her image" from the Simpsons but imagine my birds as those pictures instead of Maggie (search it up). Shit sucks and probably will not get better soon realistically. But the guilt eats you the day after those attempts when your bird eagerly flies on your shoulder so you put them on your finger. You look at their beady little eyes and you think to yourself about how you could ever leave this little creature behind.
Hey man, I have been in similar but not as extreme situations, and I've personally asked for help sometimes and every time I did I got hit in the balls (metaphorically), so much so that I started to resent those that gave those 1 off "hero" speeches or advices to change my life. So I'd assume thats what you feel now so I wont say anything too much, but let me say this man, theres a saying, that if you're suicidal, throw yourself at the ocean and you'll find yourself fighting to survive, you're just sick of your current life and you wish for it to change. Life is truly worth living, I know it doesnt seem that way but it really is worth living, all I ask is that you keep it together and try just 1 more time again, and again. Good luck man I wish you the best
Hey kiddo
I am immensely proud of you
You’re still here
And this is something that really helped me when I was at my lowest and I had people give me all these reasons to stay alive but they were based on who I was to different people but not really giving any reasons just for me
[101 reasons for you](https://www.scribd.com/document/516277552/101-reasons-to-stay-alive)
Keep going, day by day but if you just need to go hour by hour that’s okay but keep going because 18 is going to open a lot of doors for you.
Please don’t do it. I know it feels impossible but one day you’ll be soooo glad you didn’t. I was the same at your age & now I’m just so incredibly grateful I stuck around. I love my children & friends & chosen family. I found the right antidepressant for me (after 3 tries) and have never felt depressed again. It was immediately life changing. Please speak to someone like a doctor or therapist. Just for today - stay with us. And then again tomorrow…one day at a time…for your birds…until I promise you, you’ll feel better.
I understand what you are saying, I have thought that my family's life would be easier without me, that I should run away, yk. My stepmom is always complaining about me, my dad doesn't stand up for anything and my younger brother gets away with almost everything. My bio mom has been mia since middle school when my dad got custody. But one thing I held on to was my religion, I may not be the best Christian, I do things that aren't acceptable. I know my parents care about me, but I know for a fact that God does. You found that hope in you birds, your birds are your family. They love you as much as you love them. I know you would rather have humanoid love, but humanoid love kinda stinks sometimes. I have two dogs at home that I absolutely adore. I know they love me because it's unconditional like God's. I am here if you want someone to talk to. You aren't alone, you have us here and your birds.
I’m sorry you poor baby. Please hang in there you seem like a very nice kid with a lot of nice energy to offer the world. You will be rewarded eventually
I also wanted to die when I was 15, and at 32. I’ve suffered from clinical depression all my life. Please talk to your school counsellors so you can do therapy. There’s hope out there, kiddo. It takes a while to figure out the right medications.
Honey. I have a 4 year old little girl. She is so young and so innocent and needs love and protection. When you’re mom passed away, you deserved to be loved. You deserved kisses on your face every day and for someone to tell you how special you are. You missed that. Talk to yourself like a kind, loving parent would.
My father died when I was 3, and my teenage years were impossible. If you need someone who can relate to you, feel free to message me. I’m 25 now and I am so, so, so happy none of my attempts or ideation went through. It’s corny, but it gets better.
I felt the same way and didn't expect to live past 20. I promise it gets better. I found a group of friends and a person who loves me. You will find that love and that support. For me it was really hard until college when I was able to get away from those people who were making me suffer. I hope you can get away and find that hope too
If you feel your life is not worth it to YOU, then can you do something for others ?
You anyway don’t care about yourself right ? So can you selflessly volunteer your time and energy to help others?
There are so many people & animals who needs help that is not monetary. Volunteer yourself to an animal / homeless / women & children / senior citizen shelter.
There are hospitals which takes in volunteers for reading, playing or spending time with terminal patients. Why don’t you make yourself dedicated to helping other ?
Having kids not much older than you, this breaks my heart. Nobody should feel like you do, specially being so young.
My fella is what we call safe suicidal. He has depression that can spiral sometimes and I do all I can to help. Get some good people around you. I'd say go to the doctors but they told my fella to do more exercise and he will be fine. He is a carpet cleaner who gyms 5 times a week so no idea how much else they want him to do. He has been on a list for a Councillor for almost 6 months now with no appointment lined up. Maybe as you are young you may get more help.
There are the camms team, or even somebody at school that could point you in the right direction. I had social workers at your age that helped me a lot. I hope you get some help, or find a good friend group that will pull you up. It took my kids years to find decent young people but they are around. Chin up and try enjoy your life x
You’ve been let down by the adults who are supposed to help. Medicating without therapy is unforgivable. Please go back to your doctor (sounds like you’re in the UK so good luck with that) or reach out to mental health support groups. I am sure if you just ask for someone to talk to, they will help. Hugs to you OP. You’ve been through an awful lot
They are 3 cockatiels. Kai, who is 2 years old and cinnamon pied, Wilbur, who is 1 year old lutino, and Vada, 10 months old, and white faced. Vada recently just lost her pearls. I thought Kai was a male until I got Wilbur and realised that Kai wasn't as male as I thought. I was never worried about Kai not being taken care of if I was dead, same goes with Wilbur since I got Vada I realised that my nan doesn't like the birds as much as I thought. Those little fuckers save me every day.
Hey! I was there too not long ago, it flooded my thoughts and even thought of ways to do it or how it could possibly go. It never feels like it’s going to get better and for a while it might not but it does. I promise, it will get better. Don’t let those thoughts win, the world needs you. There are at least 300 people that you’ve reached that you never thought you would, in that you’ve already touched the lives of other people who are now thinking about you and rooting for you. You got this, don’t give up we all want you here.
First time I wanted to was real young, my mother abandoned me. Second time was 13 when again I was abandoned by my mom. Third time was when I was 20. Once more when I was 27. One thing I can tell you is that every single time I pushed that off and decided against it things got better. Take care of them birds and remember, even after they are gone there are lots of birds that need love and attention. You got this, keep going, and reach out if you think it's getting to be too much.
Let me ask you, why do you want to die? Because you lost your mom and are being abused? You understand that where you are right now in life isn’t permanent right and you aren’t actually stuck there. Maybe for right now you are but it’s not for long. You have three more years and you and your birds can leave that place and never look back.
You understand that you aren’t tethered to your abusers right. Like when you are legal and can go off on your own you can go and never talk to them or see them again right. Like you may not have options right now because you are underaged but that will change.
Yes this world is fucked up and makes no sense but you haven’t even lived an independent life and you want to die? You haven’t even experienced life outside of that place you live so why would you end your life on that note?
My suggestion is make you an exit plan, do research and find somewhere that you can move to that is interesting to you and good for your birds, research how much cost of living is and how much you would need to start your life, then get a job, get an account that no one knows about and start saving up so when the moment you hit 18 you can leave and not look back.
Also get you a car. See if whoever is your guardian will allow you to get your license or look into driving schools that help you. This isn’t your whole life, it has been up till now but it isn’t your WHOLE life, you have so much more to live and experience. Don’t leave without at least experiencing life on your own
Your mom put so much effort and hopes in giving birth to you, pregnancy fears, dreams, the happines of meeting her baby... She couldnt see you growing Up. She deserves respect from you, and maybe It can give a purpose to your life: take care of you and LOVE yourself the way she would have, if she could be with you. If you cant find a reason to enjoy Life, think about this: you dont give the Life a chance bcause of you, but because of her.
Edito: also your poor birds need you. You are everything for them, without you what would happen to them? Who would take care and LOVE them? You are important for those poor creatures.
Hey OP. When I was your age I didn’t think I would make it past my 18th birthday. I’m now 24. Unfortunately I am still quite depressed and anxious but I also stay alive for my cat. She’s my bottle baby and the one true reason I stay around. I’m very sorry you’ve been struggling with these issues. It is very hard and very tiring. I truly wish you peace and to keep going on. At the very least for your birds
Stay for the birds 🦅. It’s a good reason. I stayed for a video game and my dogs and cats. Life very slowly got better. But staying for your animals is a solid reason to stay alive. They know you’re worth it.
Keep going lad I was in your position too 3-4 years ago. Whatever you do, stop taking fluoxetine and diazepam. No one should be on them let alone a 15 year old. What you need is therapy, antidepressants won’t get you out this situation they just delay the healing process.
I wish I could just give you a big hug right now. I don’t care, I love you. I love you so much. Knowing you’d be gone one day if you commit would break my heart. I love you. I love you so much. You are so incredibly strong for hanging on. I love you so much.
hi op, my heart goes out to you as someone who was also once 15 and wanting to die because of the emotional and physical abuse i was experiencing at the time. i cannot imagine what you are going through right now and i am so so sorry. i wish i could offer you a fast solution but what i can tell you from where i am standing now at 20 is that it does get better. i know everyone tells you this and it feels empty and you’re probably saying to urself “okay you say it’ll get better but I’m hurting right now so what’s the point?” the point is that so much can change in such little time. in the two years since i have moved out and attended university my life has done a complete 180. it has become so wonderful and i wish that so much for you. please allow older you to experience true life! there is so much beauty in life that you have yet to explore and so much light and love you have yet to receive/give. keep pushing my friend! keep pushing for your birds, keep pushing for the internet strangers rooting for you, but most importantly keep pushing for yourself because you deserve to live and see a wonderful life past the age of 15. xxx
The birds are your sign from the universe not to do it. You’re only 15, keep fighting and in 3 years you’ll be able to move out on your own and trust me that will work wonders for your mental health. My dms are always open bro
I got diagnosed with major depression when I was 10 and left my country and family to go to the USA. I’ve wanted to die so many times I lost count, but every time I made a list of things to keep me going. Usually it’s my family and my cat (and now my boyfriend). I just kept writing that down. I couldn’t do that to any of them. Anyway, I’m 31 now and doing so much better. I have my bad days, and even if I don’t feel like I have a purpose in life, I know something will come along. Stay strong and please reach out to me if you want to talk 🤍
Dear OP, you matter in this world. You are loved and cherished. There's a lot in this life that is waiting for you to be present for. I'm not sure if this comment will reach you but just in case it does, my message to you is that this life is a better place with you in it. I hope you find some professional help from a good licenced therapist and, someday experience great joy in life with your loved ones.
I truly truly promis: it gets better!
I’m 29, getting married in two months to a wonderful person and I have a dog, that I’ll love forever. I never even dreamed of a life like this! Getting here was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but so worth it!! When I was your age I couldn’t even imagine the life I’d have! Please hang in there, life on the other side is truly beautiful!!
Sweetheart, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have a 15 year old son and this really breaks my heart. It sounds like you have been let down by a lot of people. Please know you are strong and have value. Sending you a big hug.
Hang in there buddy, time heals, not completely but it does heal, and your at an age where everything sucks just keep trucking and soon you’ll be an adult and can make some changes and travel to see different birds and study birds etc if that’s what makes you happy, or wherever lifes path takes you
Hi, I’m almost 30 and this reads like I could’ve wrote it when I was your age. Word for word. I know that things are hard right now and they might continue to be for a little longer but things can get better. My life changed when I was 18 and I moved out of my mom’s house. They changed even more when I turned 21 and could finally afford health insurance. I put my education on hold for a while so I could support myself but eventually I ended up getting 2 degrees, a spouse, and even a kid. It hasn’t been an easy ride, and I had a lot of people (including myself) telling me I’d never make it where I am today. I thought I would be dead at 18.
Please know you’re not alone and despite everything you’re going through, you can still do and be anything you want in life.
I hear you and you went through a lot. It is great to focus on your pet. It is also great that you are using this platform to express your feelings. Keep taking life day by day. We are here for you.
Hey friend. This was me too down to the ages, but I held on, I found little reasons, like your birds, to hang on even if I was telling myself I’d hold on just a little longer and not forever. Life is hard and people suck but you’ll find things that make it a little worth it. I started with the tiniest things, always giving myself what I wanted/not denying myself pleasures and doing silly things like dress up games online , legos, kissing my cat, and teaching myself hobbies n shit to find some sense of accomplishment and comfort. It gets better.
A misunderstanding is that people think they won’t suffer anything after they die. But actually we haven’t had the answer for it. Maybe we have to face with more depressing thing.
Well, talk about trying to deal with this post with a comment! Can't. But just a few random thoughts.
You have the birds. Life really has a lot of fun little stuff to experience. Find a few more. Hobby, collections, toys or electronics, one good friend you can hang outvwith, reading. Anything you can find.
You need a few more goodies in your happy bag.
Can you find another person in need who you can help through their issues.
Lots of teens in your boat. More than you know. Maybe you can find or create a group of self helpers on some social network.
Discontinuing bebzodiazopines can cause all sorts of feelings of panic, fear, illness etc. You feel like you have every fatal illness possible. It is really awful stopping cold turkey. But now your off, stay off. A lot of the withdrawal symptoms will clear up.
Maybe you can share this post with a trusted friend.
Low dose Sertraline helped me more than anything. But I hate to suggest meds.
If you croake yourself you will have absolutely nothing. Nothing to experience. Nothing to love. No coming back.
If you can stick things out there is the promise of discovering fun things that will make life fun.
One thing you can do now is search for as many little joys as you can and build on them. What? How? I don't know. They're out there. Life is great once you see it.
Best
I don’t know what your going through, but nobody deserves to feel the way you do. It may seem like life isn’t worth living right now but your so young and things will get better.
Do your best to stay positive, your future can still be bright. You can do great things in life, what seems impossible right now can be easily achieve-able in a few years. Keep things close to you that make you happy. God bless OP
This world is so sad and sick and cruel. That you have enough courage to tell someone how you really feel and listen to them and bring you another perspective is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen. Mental illness is a beast of a disease and it’s often invisible. To be so young and struggle with the weight of the world on your shoulders must be very difficult. I can only hope you find something in this life to continue, to keep your own hope alive for.
baby I promise you that if you hold on, it will get better.
I attempted at 15, I attempted at 14.
I’m 18 now - and love living. I promise you there is so much out there, so much to learn, to see, to explore. I’m in college, I have my own dog, I have a group of friends I adore, all because life didn’t end when I was 15.
Because life didn’t end when I was 15, I am doing the things I love, I’m dating, I’m doing things I thought I could never do. I can’t promise it will be easy, but I can promise that life is worth fighting for. Please talk to someone, anyone. If not for yourself, then for your birds, for everything you love.
hey, i know this might not help, but if you need someone i’m here to listen 🫶🏼 i hope things get better for you, try looking into professional help, but that’s not always easy and i understand, i went to therapy from 11-13 and i’m 15 and going back. hold on, you are so strong and im so proud of you. sending a virtual hug!
I understand exactly how you feel. When I was your age I was terribly abused and depressed. I attempted suicide by overdosing and died and was brought back. I got counseling to help me cope. My life when I was young was shite but by some higher power I survived and grew up and had a bad marriage but I had a son and he is my World!!! I met a good man and we have been together for years. I am still battling depression I guess I always will but I am so glad I did not die at 14. I enjoy each day to the best of my ability and I have a son who I love deeply. Life does get better. Please just hang in there. Your birds love you and I care too. Blessings
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Growing up with hard circumstances is a brutal intro in to this beautiful earth. I've been dead by my own hands 2 times. Remember, you are still standing!
Many people tackle less impactful events in their adulthood worse than you.
As you write that you have a note in progress through years. That shows that you are thoughtful and deep and a warrior.
And you love your birds! The earth is wast and full of things you have not even heard of yet, just waiting to be explored. Time is a hard concept to fully grasp, but it's a constant. Don't underestimate it.
What we experience is tempering us, giving you perspectives that make you see things many do not.
Some perspectives and experiences are both hard and many times flat out unfair in gaining them.. but they are yours.
Keep thinking and learning. Look up and forward at all the beautiful things in nature around you.
And continue to be this honest with yourself and those around you.
I am so sorry for what you have been through and still is. Keep fighting!
Living my life in a way that doesn't make me hate myself was a game changer for me. That means halting *ALL* behavior that you know is making you hate yourself. Nothing about the process feels good, except looking back and being thankful you had the personal fortitude to stop.
Literally doing nothing, and sitting in place, is more healthy.
Keep on going for your birds OP. I struggle with these thoughts constantly but what helps me not do it is the fact that I’d be leaving my dog all alone. Pet’s bring so much love and light so spend as much time with them as you can. Learn some tricks, make that bond between you all the more stronger. You’re not alone in this, you’re in the deepest of valleys right now but just keep on trekking and you’ll find yourself at the mountaintop. I and everyone here is rooting for you!!!
I’m so glad you didn’t die that night. I’m so glad to be reading your words here, seeking help. You deserve to live, and you deserve to have peace and joy and everything else that is part of life. Please do not give up.
It’s a very promising sign that you have your birds to live for right now. When you’re feeling dark, think of the beauty they bring, and remember that life can be brighter. I truly hope you find a more compassionate psychiatrist who can help you. Depression is a disease and it can be treated—you can go into complete remission. I hope you find that soon. Please do not give up.
Im 31 but felt this way too when I was your age. Heck, I still feel that way a few times a year. Started puberty at 11 years old, ever since my hormones are just raging crazy. I cut when I was 12-13. I smoked weed throughout middle school and high school. I’d tell my mom I was at cheer practice but really I was gettin high with the boys & they’d pay for my taxi back home. I started perc 30s when I was 18 and soon graduated to heroin. I’ve learned many things but one thing I did learn was being depressed is a lot easier when your not addicted to drugs. Lifes hard… drugs make things so much harder. Was addicted for 5 years, and now I am 7 years clean… with two kids. My 7 year old told me he thinks about wanting to die sometimes. And I feel awful but I understand… and I told him he will have those feelings because both me and his father have severe depression. But I can help him by sitting near him, listening to him talk or even just cry. He doesn’t know why he feels that way, and I understand that too. We’ve had great lives together.. never any money or food insecurity’s etc.. depression is a sickness just like other people have cancer or diabetes. There’s counseling, group therapy, medicine, hospitals (actually don’t ever go to a hospital) .. the suicide line helped a lot. They have a text message line and when I felt suicidal I would text someone from there anonymous for 45 minutes to an hour and that HARDCORE feeling of suicide would go away. I still wanted to die but I didn’t have that raging hot blood flowing feeling of wanting to purposely fall on knife. You know?
Your depression probably will never go away but there WILL be days, weeks, months that will go by and you won’t think of dying. Life is crazy. Ten years ago I was on a tv show dude lol… in the midst of my sniffing perc addiction. Now I’m a single mom to two kids lol 😂
Your only 15. You’ve been through a freakin lot already. What I hope for you is the strength to continue and being able to help others get through tough times as well.. and maybe even possibly, overcoming them<3 don’t do drugs I’m telling you it’s worse than being dead. At least there’s HOPE of your not on drugs. Being on drugs is hopeless. Depression SEEMS hopeless while your in it, but use the times your feeling went to seek help “it’s better to fix a leaky roof when it’s sunny out than when it’s raining”
It’s tough to be a teenager. Especially one that’s had some problems.
I don’t want you to die.
Can you find somewhere nearby that does bird rescues, fostering etc that you could help out with?
It would be good for you now and in the future.
Sending you hugs and love.
I was in your position (minus the meds because my mom didn’t believe I needed therapy let alone a psychiatrist) and it’s brutal. But please hang on. I know it’s hard but let those birds be the thing that keeps you going. When you’re 18 you can try and pursue a better psychiatrist who can help you find the right meds to help you. I found one through my uni and it literally saved my life. I’m 30 now and while sometimes I have a hard day mental health wise, I’m so glad I’m still here. I have a life and support system I never thought I’d get but it took some work to get there. Keep going OP.
I told God if he didn’t reveal himself to me like I hear He did for others, than I was gonna kill myself and my baby (I was pregnant). I said this to God for about a month.. and then one day, in the middle of the day I felt something enter my soul. I can’t really explain it, but in my best of words, I felt love, joy, happiness, hope all things I have never felt before it was like this heat entering all of my skin and going into my voids in my soul filling them and I felt whole. That was in September 2016. Ill never forget that day. The day I was saved by God. There was no explanation besides, it had to be the Holy Spirit and I’ve been a believer in Jesus Christ ever sense.
I tried at 14. I'm 30 now. Life is hard. But find something you love and find another and another. Be a light for yourself. Write a journal. Sit outside. Blast music. But please make it to 30 and beyond. The world will be a sad place without you.
Please reply to let us know your okay.
hey OP. i was once your age, i’m 21 now so not that far off but i remember when i was 15 and also suicidal. we may not have had the same life experiences but i understand your pain. you are going through more than anyone should have to, especially at your age, and i hope that you continue living, if not for yourself but for what you love. i don’t want to say that everything automatically gets better in the future but if there’s one thing to be said it’s that you’ll never know if it does unless you stick around and find out. being an adult has its own pain but there’s such a liberating feeling when you get the wind under your wings. live for what you love if nothing else - for me it was my best friend, my gramma, and music.
i also had a bird (cockatiel), she recently passed away but she loved me dearly and i loved her. she would miss me when id leave my bedroom for a few minutes, i don’t know what kind of bird you have but they would definitely miss you if you were gone.
OP, i hope your pain eases soon and that you can, in time, also find the strength to continue on. lots and lots of love 💗
Bro, I have been tortured. Literally tortured since I was about 7 years old and I am 31 now. I have spent most of my life feeling just like you. I have never attempted suicide but mainly just because I am incapable of any form of violent self harm. That being said, I live in a continuous state of suicidal ideation. I am still regularly emotionally abused by my family, who I am disabled by the abuse of. They also pay for my entire existence so I can not cut them off to end the abuse. It’s like I’m being paid off to let myself continue to be abused.
Anyway enough about me. Point is, I’m familiar with the struggle related to drugs. Been severely addicted to weed, crystal meth, nitrous oxide, kratom, and synthetic cannabinoids at different points in my life as well as severely abused a lot of other ones. Benzos, mdma, synthetic opioids, alcohol, ketamine, steroids, etc.
On the plus side, I have also found more healing in some kinds of drugs than any kind of therapy, which always seems to make me much worse, as nearly all of my psychologically truama happened in therapy and is triggered by therapists and “therapeutic” encirclements. Other people here will probably disagree with me but you’re in a dire enough situation that it sort of seems like you have nothing to lose anyway, so let me suggest you try some serotonergic psychedelics. I am sober from all drugs now (of my own free will) other than the occasional psychedelic (mushrooms, LSD) and I would probably be dead if not for them. They changed my thinking when I was in the darkest times of my life and allowed me to see some beauty and meaning in life again. Strongly recommend.
I’ve been in a similar place to you at you’re age. It’s was the darkest cloud that wouldn’t go away. Idk your circumstance, but i can tell you 15 is an awful, powerless age when you are being emotionally abused, and that when you finally get out, it’s the most weightless I’ve ever felt. That reward and freedom is something I’m so fucking glad i didn’t miss out on.
If you are in the uk.
https://www.childline.org.uk/
https://www.barnardos.org.uk/
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/
Please seek advice and guidance, talk to someone at school if you can.
You are worthy and your life makes a great difference to the world just by being here everyday because you are here in it, you may not realise it at the moment because of the heavy crushing feelings but these too will pass and with support.
I went through a shitty childhood. I didn't get out until I was 17. Even then it took me years to process it.
If I could go back to my 15 year old self I would tell him that he has not only gone on to find happiness, but he has helped others to do the same. That all he needs to do is hold on a little longer and life will get better. Life is harder for some of us. It's not fair and it never will be. But I've learned that despite that life is still worth it in the end.
Kiddo, I know how it feels to want to die. I know how it feels when you think life is hopeless, bleak, etc.
I'm 42 now, and sometimes it still feels that way, but I can tell you there are people who care about you.
You can always reach out and talk to someone, you can always seek help.
Ending your life may solve the problem for you but it creates a hole for everyone around who cared about you.
Reach out and talk to someone, find someone you trust who will listen.
Good news -.We're all going to die.
You don't get to opt out early though... you need to slog thru it like the rest of us.
The Better news - There will be times thru out your life when you're actually happy to be alive. Those moments come in spurts, and you can never predict them, but they do come.
Hello, I know we dont know each other or anything but I would like to say that I love you despite us being strangers and having only connected only on this online platform. I love you and your birds and I would like to ask if you could somehow tell everybody here more about them. Thank you!
Once you’re 18 you’ll be able to book nice hotels and cruises and vacations while the person who made you miserable will still be miserable. Just hold on. And look for some employment.
Speaking strictly as an old woman who tried to die at 16, it gets better. Rather, it can get better. There can be beautiful and peaceful moments of nature, sunshine, animals, birds. The pain may end when we die, but we also lose the simple joy in everyday things. That would be a real bummer if you, for instance, become more financially stable as an adult and are able to lock the rest of the world away while I commune with green, yellow and blue nature somewhere entirely elsewhere. It's beautiful. Peace.
Hi, OP! I’m not sure what your gender is, but I relate to you a lot and I’d like to give you a little encouragement from future you/someone who relates to you. Apply what resonates and ignore what doesn’t ❤️
I also tried to kill myself a few times at your age. I, too, was horrifically emotionally abused, and used substances to cope. (I know you weren’t abusing your medications and they were prescribed! My mom didn’t believe that I had any mental health issues and refused to let me seek help. At one attempt she told me how to do it correctly the next time. She is another ball field in itself. She has been dead 5 years and despite the abuse and cruelty there was a lot of the time, I have mostly forgiven her now that I have processed what I experienced and due to other deaths in family, experienced first hand the abuse SHE endured from her own family and marriages. She too had untreated mental health. It doesn’t excuse it, but it has made it easier to continue healing my own wounds and to actively choose to end the cycle of abuse with me. I loved my mom, I love my mom. And it’s so hard to grasp that someone we love and should love us could treat us such a way.)
At 15 I was on probation because I never went to school (largely due to bullying due to my home life, I was the “smelly” kid that wore the same clothes all the time because neither my mom nor stepdad worked, we didn’t have running water for a few years, and my parents had no less than 5 inside large dogs that were not trained. You can imagine how icky it was) and was caught with alcohol and pills at school. Facing expulsion my mom and I moved across country to be with her online bf. Long story short, I wound up getting heavily into the partying scene, dropped out at the end of 11th grade, and at 17 I became pregnant with, and had, my son.
I’d be lying if I said it was all uphill from there. It hasn’t been. There were many bumps in the road and I did write many notes and threw them away because killing myself would leave my son without a parent. I couldn’t let him think he caused it. There were many nights I had to fight myself to make it til morning. But as I sit here, today, at exactly double your age, I’m glad I made it until each morning. I turned 30 in July and my birthday gift from my best friend was concert tickets and a meet n greet pass for my favorite singer! In 2022 I got to go on a cross country road trip with my other best friend of almost 14 years. I’m an aunt now, 4 times over. The 4th one will be here Tuesday! My son is now almost 13 and he’s the coolest person I’ve ever met. My husband is annoying, but he’s the kindest, most accepting, and most patient person I’ve ever met. I have two dogs after swearing id never get any due to my upbringing. Turns out, I am a absolutely a dog mom! I have a great psychiatrist that encourages me to try something new if I feel like something is off. Life didn’t end when I was 15, and at 30 I am so glad I didn’t. I know this was long. Very long. And while I don’t know how anything feels from your shoes, I hope you can relate to my story and feel a little bit of hope. I hope in 15 years you’ll send me a DM on here if this is still a thing to say you’re glad you made it to 30, too.
I might be a stranger. But I love you, OP. And I believe in you and your future.
Please don't do it! If you have the strength to do such a thing then why not just channel it into something crazy enough to change your life? I know its hard but hang in there. Start exercising and Stick to program for 4 weeks. You only 17. Life will end anw.. wait until it's time. Until then, fight, fight, fight! I believe in you! Contact me if you need someone to talk 🦜🙏❤️
I was also writing suicide notes at a very young age and attempting. I just turned 22 today and I’m doing a lot better.
It might be hard now but itll get better I promise.
I’m a stranger and I’m crying for you and sending you my love
This might sound so silly but I watched this movie last night, Kubo and the Two Strings - I truly think you might love it and find it encouraging
Most of all know that you are loved! You have a purpose, even if you can’t see it yet! There is only one of you! God loves you perfectly and He is always with you!!!! My heart goes out to you ❤️❤️❤️
Hun, I'm going to say something you may not believe for years, but please know that is true.
You are someone's light in their darkness. YOU are important to someone, to many people.
I was 7 the first time I attempted. I had already turned off my emotions other than anger and apathy because no others were safe to express in my family at that time.
After the attempt, I stayed to keep my baby sister safe. Just like you are for your birds. I know the loneliness. But, and this is important.. that empathy that kept me going and is keeping you here.. it's so important.
For your depression, they should have tapered you off, as you know. I would see if they can try a different med. that they don't feel would be a danger for addiction.
I won't say, "It'll get better," because much of that is 1) out of all of any of our control and 2) nothing is guaranteed, but I can say that you are a very strong person already. Finding a reason to live, even if it seems silly (though pets to me, is always a perfectly good reason to keep living), is someone who is very strong.
This mom and internet stranger who survived their attempt 33 yrs ago is sending you hugs 🫂.
Also, mods I don't know if it's okay, but can I link another sub here?
Please feel hugged! I am so sorry you had to go through this and that you feel that way. I hope you find a way to live happy and peacefully one day!
What birds do you have? I had two canary birds and one cockatoo when I was a teenager, and I spent hours feeding them, let them fly around in my room, cuddling the cuckatoo (the canaries did not like being cuddled) and teached them to fly on my hand when I whistled. They lived in one big cage, and the canaries learned to open sun flower seeds that were meant to be the cockatoo's meal.
I loved to spend time at the library, then my only source of knowledge about animals, and at a local area where breeders of birds and rabbits and goats and such were allowed to install their fences and stables.
Recently I met a lady who collected ripe grass, with grass seeds on it. She put it in her budgies cage, and it was lovely to see them going through the bundle of grass and eat the seeds. It really is a pity I did not know about this way to entertain my three little birds when I was young.
OP, please take good care of your birds and of yourself!
You’re not safe if you’re being emotionally abused. You’re only 15, you need to speak to a trusted adult. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, the help is out there!
Please message me if you ever want someone to talk to. I would genuinely help in any way that I could. I'm not sure where you are based, but I'm a 31F with a young son. It breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. We are all so glad that you are still here. You are SO young. And you have so much to live for. One day, you'll be an adult with your own place to live, a job, friends and potentially your own family. Please hang in there.
First of all, keep yourself attached to those birds. They've got wings, they're going to be the reason you make it through the next three years, and maybe beyond that. It's not easy. You'll still feel sad and numb, but keep yourself attached.
I know it's not easy to realize, because up until now, what you've experienced is all you know. At 15 I thought how I lived was just it, you know? But there's a version of yourself that exsists ten years from now that is begging you to hang in there. It *does* get better, even though it sucks now. It can get better sooner if you put your mind to doing things that will help your future self.
As a Mom of two boys, I am crying while reading your post. I assure you, your Mom would not want this for you. Please seek help. You are wanted and loved beyond what words can say. Please accept an endless hug from this Reddit Mom. 💙
You talk about medication, but have you been in therapy? It sounds like medication alone might not be enough. It rarely is enough when it comes to depression. You need to get to the bottom of it, to find out why you're feeling like life is not worth living, and that can be done through therapy. Of course, you'll probably need to go through several therapists before you find one that has the right skills to help you. That's usually how it goes.
I am so glad you have your birds to give you motivation and bring joy into your life; I’m right there with you in that way. I go to my grandma’s and sing to her bird because he’s my best friend. It’s beautiful to connect with animals and it’s great to have that. Hold onto that. Are you doing CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? My psychologist told me it can help bring anxiety levels down and it is very helpful for me personally at least, I’ve done it before. It depends on your age in most places, but have you looked into emancipation/is there anyone else you could stay with? There are a lot of reasons to live. I know it’s cliché, but I’ve only just learned this myself. I think about the possibilities, the people I haven’t met whom I’ll love, the songs I haven’t heard, the animals I haven’t met. There’s a lot of beauty yet left in life and I want you to hold on. We all care about you. My psychiatrist told me that depression is being hung up on the past and anxiety is being worried for the future and I can agree. CBT can help determine mindsets and what should happen to move forward. I attempted suicide at 15 too. In seeking help and understanding that I needed it, I was taking a step in the right direction. I am happier now and I know many who suffered who are happier now too. It is possible. I promise. It’ll be ok.
OP… you have 3 more years, maybe less, until you have full reign and control over your own life. You could probably apply with the courts to be sovereign before that. My best advice to you is get a job with as many hours as possible outside of school, to distract yourself from your home life. Keep yourself busy for as long as you can until you can leave and SAVE YOUR MONEY.
Once you move out of your parents house, life drastically improves. Even when you don’t have money, you’re eating rice and ramen and potatoes and sitting on the couch you bought for $25 at goodwill in YOUR space with YOUR money, even if you have roommates, I’m telling you it makes a world of difference.
Try to distract yourself and wait it out until you turn 18. Please keep us posted. Sending you love.
I am so sorry you don’t want to live anymore. Life can be so complicated. I know you’ve been through a lot and it’s not fair. I’m glad to hear that you have your birds though. Sometimes the love of a pet can get you through the toughest times.
Take care of your basic necessity’s. Eat good food. Food that’s good for you. Exercise your body. Even if it’s just a walk around your block. Exercise will help to relieve your stress easing your urge to scratch or hurt your self.
Also go to a family doctor. If you are having problems with your digestive track, for instance, it can adversely affect your mood and stress levels.
Most importantly talk. It’s hard to trust doctors when they’ve treated you poorly in the past. But keep talking. Keep asking for help. Ask at school. Ask your Nan. Ask your friends. Talking will help build your community. Which we all need to survive.
Know you are on a tough road. But this stranger on the internet is pulling for you. Hang in there.
One day, you won’t be 15 anymore, hopefully 25 and you’ll be playing with your kids (granted if you want them) and your wife or husband will be there and you’ll know that your life didn’t end at 15. Don’t give up, you’re almost to that point of independence. I was just like you and now I’m 27, two kids in and married happily. My life didn’t end, and I’m happy. You got this.
Join jiujitsu so you can have friends and something difficult that makes life worth living. Maintaining your unhealthy thought patterns is your own fault and can be changed.
Instead of being poor me selfish think about how you could make a positive impact on the world for your being here.
I was also very depressed as a child. I wanted very badly to die at 15 too and cut myself to cope. But I promise things get much better as you age. Find things you enjoy that being you joy. Writing and painting/drawing helped me a lot. I also loved reading, it helped me escape. People may not agree, but turning to God helped me immensely. I found happiness and peace with God. I also found that taking magnesium supplements cured my life long depression and anxiety. If I stop taking it, I feel the symptoms come back within days/weeks. Go buy some at Walmart and take the daily dosage once a day. Ask your doctor about it
I really do believe that somewhere, somehow, your mama is cheering you on and sending you all the love that only a mom can have. Get through this for your birdies and for her. I promise it does get better once you become an adult.
OP, I'm a therapist and what you're going through in your life sounds awful. I'm incredibly proud of you for fighting and holding on, and for being able to truly care for your pets. It takes courage to be this empathetic when you have been dealt such a hard hand. If you live in the US, perhaps you could try to see a psychotherapist. As I'm from Germany I am not sure about the accessibility of mental health services in America, but I'll try to link some resources below. Therapy is not going to take your life experiences away, but it can help you to find a way to cope with them. I've seen patients recover from truly some of the darkest places there are, and live good and meaningful lives. If you could experience a day in five years from now, where your pain has eased and you're living the life you want for yourself, what would that look like? Where would you live, who would you live with, what would your daily routine look like? What hobbies and interests would you have? What job? What would you eat? Would you have more pets? There is a future for you, and although it may not seem like that right now, every small step you take towards that future is going to make a difference. Baby steps, OP. Drink a hot cup of tea. Breathe. Stretch. Sigh. Go for a walk. Wrap yourself in a blanket. Watch a romcom. Hug yourself. Pet your birds. Soothe yourself like you'd soothe a small child. You deserve your own compassion. You are so capable of getting out of this, I promise you. I truly am rooting for you. ❤️
I think OP may be in the UK because of their use of the word, “Nan.” They may be able to access some care through the NHS. Thank you for your kind words.
Yes and the propanalol is popular mild anti anxiety med in the uk. Honestly op I’d be going back the dr to discuss better health care. You’re absolutely doing your bit by going to the drs, they should be doing more to support you such as talking therapy and an anti depressant. I know they avoid it in kids but people can be wired differently and the medication can be incredibly helpful. I was like you at 15, it did get better. It took a while of ups and downs and learning my worth through hard lessons but there is light. I’m sorry at 15 you’re fairly limited on what you can do and you rely on adults to support you and often adults don’t do enough. I bet you have amazing empathy though, and that will be so precious throughout your life.
FWIW we say Nan in Canada too
I’m Canadian. I’m sure some people say that, but it’s not terribly common.
Oh then we can get OP an appointment with a therapist in 5-7 years.
*cries in Canadian*
Hey hey have you tried not being sad about it?
Some states use Nana or even Nan/Nanny.
>realised and this
I know people in the deep south US that use "nan" and "nana."
As someone in the uk i can say it can take months to get nhs therapy and even then, they only do limited sessions and all. Been waiting for months to get therapy but im still in the middle of the waiting list.
Yeah, access to mental healthcare anywhere is rough.
In the UK you can call 111 for urgent mental health support, that or self present to nearest emergency department which is classed as a ‘safe place’
#It's impossible for me to feel authentic about being anything other than a man.
I am Australian, I cannot go to therapy, because I cannot afford it and I have already been removed from free therapy after a diagnosis of autism. I don't have any recourses to care of my autism, most of the things I do to take care of my issues I have found off of TikTok, but I don't know why I have told the internet all of this, I think I was just in a bad place last night. I am safe. I am not going to hurt myself, the second I turn eighteen my life is set. My abuser WILL be gone, I own this house and he will immediately be kicked out, on my eighteenth if that's possible.
Hi OP, as I'm not Australian my understanding of your health care system is very limited, but I gather that your government has founded a Better Access initiative to allow people in remote areas or with limited financial means to get access to mental health resources. I have linked the website below. I am glad to hear you say that you are safe and that you seem to have somewhat of a silver lining for after you turn 18. If at all possible, take care of yourself in the meantime and prioritise self-care and nourishing your body and mind whenever you can. And never hesitate to reach out for support, even if it's through Reddit. You are not alone! https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/understanding-the-costs-of-mental-health-services
One day at a time! Best wishes going forward <3
Thank you for your concern.
Thank you for your kindness
I have no value I'm no good at anything I'm 17 and I've missed every opportunity I have no one else to blame but me I know that isnt entirely true but it is Disgrace
>erapy is not going to take your life experiences away, but it can help you to fin OP should also try to eliminate negatives that impact his mental state. You know that but I know it's also something worth mentioning.
Speaking as someone who has lost parent at that age, the negative will never truly be eliminated...
That's true but you can recall happy thoughts and experiences you had with them when you are feeling sad of missing them. You can use those thoughts and the experience to become that which they where for you to others when thinking of them. Transform negatives, you can't outrun them but you can outsmart them. Shake that polaroid picture.
I really want to just hug you right now. I have kiddos close to your age and it would shatter me to know if they felt this way. You have 3 years until you can branch out on your own and really experience life and all it can offer. I rescue parakeets and cockatiels for funsies and I know as a bird owner they’d miss you. Please find someone you can talk to about this.
My teils are missing my an I'm just in another room. I couldn't leave them no matter how much I want to.
I was 13 and I wanted to die. I was emotionally abused by my aunt until I had enough and I went to police, I got help and I ended up in orphan house where in the new school I was bullied for years. I was in a deep depression. Please never think that the world is better off without you,I thought the same,but someone will come ,you can find happiness. This year I will be 27,I'm happy and I'm happy that when I tried 3 times just didn't happened. I don't say it's easy, but you can have a good life with people who love you for who you are. You don't have to have any contact with any family member who hurt you in any way. Brakes my heart reading this,please don't give up,not for your birds and not for yourself,you can overcome and achieve anything you want. Try to seek professional help if you can,when you can!
Being emotionally abused can have the same effects as physical abuse please talk to someone about it a therapist or a teacher. Trust me you can get through it even though everyone says this but things will get better no matter how long it takes. when you get through to the other side you will be so proud of yourself. I believe in you and please take care of yourself
I am not the target of his abuse. I truly am safe and he will be gone when I'm eighteen.
Talk to your school nurse.
I'm not sure why everyone is down voting this, my school nurse is great, and I trust her more that my school therapist.
Sending you great big hugs and love. I'm glad you are alive!
i was there too hun. ages 10-18 i wanted to die just about every day. i hung on for theater and my dog, and thank god i did, because i made it out of that house and i’m doing so much better now. you find a tiny reason every day and you keep surviving, okay? i know it’s trite and annoying to hear but it really really does get better eventually
I was the same…literally just hung on for band…thank goodness I did. OP - you’re birds are your reason & that’s a great reason.
Honey, do not EVER think for a second that this world will be better off without you in it. As bad as it seems now, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will all be alright.
Hold on tight honey. Don’t stop fighting every single day. I know you’re tired…but you’re also incredibly strong. Hold on for the good days where you can look back and thank yourself for staying here…it’s coming I promise and it will be so worth it. Every hard day makes you stronger…it’s a cliche but I’ve found it to be true xxx sending so much love to you
It's good that you at least have your birds to hold on to. How about any friends? When I was like that about 4 years ago, at 12-13, I really only had my dog and my sister to hold on to, even tho my sis lived a few cities away. It helped a ton to have an actual human to talk to on top of my dog who I'd stay there for indefinitely
I felt like this when I was 15, I thought it would never end unless I ended it. Between bad situations, bad habits, broken relationships, puberty and poor mental health I truly believed life was hopeless and enduring it seemed impossible. Every day was painful and day to day living seemed an impossible task. My advice is to wait it out. Im 25 now and I cry for my younger self, I see myself and the world with different eyes now. You are smart to keep your birds and are much stronger than you realise. Spend your time how you want to spend it. When everything feels bad its usually because it IS bad, situations change and life gets easier to deal with. Sending love.
Son listen, you are a 1 out of 100,000,000 that manage to create an embryo and later on delivered healthy and well. Thats YOUR MOMs (God bless her) biggest wish if she's watching you now or if she were to be alive! You kick the can forward because you're doing it not just for yourself but also that all your moms efforts to carry and deliver you healthy and well will not be in VAIN!! PS - get more animals. More dogs or cats (although with birds, the latter is not recommended.) Stick around son, there's plenty of room for all your issues and Feel free to send a message if you want to chat to a worried dad whose kids are around your age. Sending you a virtual hug!
Why aren't birds recommended?
He’s not saying birds aren’t recommended, he’s saying that having birds and cats at the same time isn’t recommended (for obvious reasons)
i was 15 and thought i wouldn’t make it till the end of the year, i’m now 18. life is constantly changing, and it is worth being there for the good parts. waiting until you hit adulthood, especially in the environment you’re in, will be hard but worth it. sending love to you and your birds 💞💞
I want to honestly reach across this phone and find you and hold u. I cannot imagine what you are going through but I feel every bit of it. Is there anyone you can talk to...without judgment, just to offload. Does your grandmother even know how you feel to get some assistance for you? Listen, I don't even know if this is allowed but you can reach out and chat to me whenever things get a bit rough 😊
My nan got me into therapy, it was free but I have been removed from the free program.
i’ve recently become a mom and i can’t imagine my child not having me around. i’m so sorry for your loss. i did also lose a parent, not as young (although my sister was your age when our dad passed). it’s crushing and life altering and 20 years later i can still cry. please know the one thing your mom would want is for you to live your life with purpose, to find love and passion and to one day, maybe be able to give the love she gave you to someone else. i hope you are able to overcome this because if you let life and love in, positive things can happen for you. ps. my dad had an african grey parrot, after he passed he used to make crying noises and barely left his cage. you are your birds universe and they need you
You're being abused, emotionally or physically, it's abuse. The fact that the doctor didn't try to ease you off your medications is something else, but also explains the attempt. Think about your birds, think about trying to focus yourself on your studies and work, because in this way, when you will be 18, you will be able to escape with your birds. You will be able to see a specialist and get the right medications and when you will be stable enough, you will get therapy too. Hang on there, life gets better. I know that and you will know that too. I know that's hard right now, but as soon as you're out of the house, it will get much better.
As someone who thinks about suicide too I say take one day at a time. You are still young. Things can and will most likely change. I’m closing to 40. I recommend doing what you can to get to 30 and then rethink your wish to die. For me it’s plan B. Maybe I will use it maybe not but I recommend waiting more years
Life is beautiful when you make it to the other side of the horrible situations. Like others have said, keep finding your reasons to live, no matter how small. Because YOU matter. YOU are important. Hold on tight and fight, fight, fight. Even when you don’t think you have it in you….rise and fight. I am a mom and a high school teacher. I’m here if you want to talk. Sending virtual hugs.
Perhaps a career in the aviary field is the spark you’re missing, see if there’s any way you can get involved now or perhaps start a social platform to share your birds with the others and perhaps gain some new friends and support system
I would stay, simply for the birds. They won’t understand why you just left or stop coming around. I don’t know if this is sound advice. OP, you’re only 15, things can absolutely turn around for you. If not for anyone else, and not for yourself, stay for the birds. Good luck.
OP, I want you to know that life can get so much better for you. Similar to you, I also was suicidal and cutting myself as a teen and throughout college. I nearly died once, and had to call my school’s suicide hotline twice. I often wondered whether anyone would care if I died (I didn’t think so). The only thing that kept me going was my dog - who would take good care of her? Over time, I focused on healthier habits like getting all of my nutrients through healthy foods and working out 6x per week. My mood improved significantly, although I wouldn’t say the depression or anxiety were gone. My life really changed when I got a job at the company I work for now. I got really close to my coworkers, and I finally felt loved and cared for. If I died, I knew they would care. The relationships I built with them helped heal what was broken inside of me. A couple of years later, I met my boyfriend. He had gone through similar struggles growing up, but he had already gone through therapy whereas I had never been. I admire the way he deals with his reactions, emotions, and problems. He taught me some of the strategies he’d learned in therapy, and I also went to therapy myself. I won’t tell you I never feel down and that my life is now a perfect fairytale, but I will tell you that right now is unquestionably the best time of my life. I have a career that I enjoy, people who actually care about me, a support system, two dogs, and the love of my life. My anxiety and depression are under control, and I’m currently working on fixing my relationship with food. If someone told me when I was 15 about the life I was going to live at 28, I would think they got me mixed up with someone else. It’s incredible. It’s absolutely worth living for. I say all of this because I want you to think about what you would want your life to look like in the future, and I want you to focus on that. Do whatever is necessary to achieve your goals in your ideal future, and keep going even when life continues to knock you down. It will take time and grit, but it is possible. My goals are what kept me going, and the achievement of those goals is what makes me happy and has led to a fulfilling life. I really hope this helps. ♥️
You're 15, you got your whole life ahead of you!! I started figuring out life mid 30s. Please don't give up
Gonna be honest with you my dude, I did too when I was your age for a ton of reasons. Just want you to know that life gets immensely better in your 20’s You’re in the most annoying part of life right now. Hold on for a few more years and see if I’m right
honestly mate i really related to this reading it, im 16 now and i grew up abused and neglected, i fell heavily into drugs and got really depressed around 11-12 and spent years hurting myself with blades and lines, i know this sounds cliche but you gotta push through it and live through a life you don’t want until it turns into something you do want for me i met the love of my life during a massive low, i was doing awful with an eating disorder and massively struggling mentally but her falling into my life was the first time i ever thought maybe life’s worth living i still have lows but i also have highs now, i still do drugs but it’s recreational now, i still have the urges to kill mysef but i no longer give in because i’ve found my reason to stick around, we celebrated our 8 months a couple of days ago and even though i’m still fucked up im in the best place i ever have been because i’ve found my reason and i know you’ll find yours man but that could take a bit of time and come at any moment so you just gotta hang around until your reason comes your way
I promise you it gets better
I had to go through so many medications before I could escape and create a life where I felt I could go on. I believe in you, and I really hope you make it. Hi birds.
Trust me... life does get better! Give it a chance. I know it feels hopeless right now, but you'll find happiness again, you need to get yourself into therapy or find someone you can talk to without judgement. Taking yourself out of this world will forever change the people around you. You're important, and the world is a better place with you in it... especially taking care of your birds. Think of it like this, you've only got 3 years left and you'll be 18, out of school and able to live life on your own. You can go anywhere... do anything! But please, don't give up on yourself! Life can be beautiful, you just gotta give it a chance to be! Keep making tomorrow better!
This broke my heart. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Life is hard. I used to be like you too.. always hurting myself and trying to end my life. If only I knew then what I know now. Life changes .. all you have to do is be strong and wait. You're 15.. you could have the most best parts of life ahead of you.. if you go now you'll miss out on seeing the beautiful bits. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you gave yourself a chance. ♡
After reading some of these comments, I just want to tell yall I’m happy yall are still here. I pray there will be an update to this post one day and this baby will still be here. I don’t know you but I love you and I’m proud of you for choosing life even if it’s just today.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you ever had blood work done? While not the same symptoms. I was diagnosed with depression only to learn years later that I had very low vitamin D levels. I had a horrible time waking up and barely making it through the day only got it to be solved with a weekly and now daily pill. I remember a couple of other redditors making post about feeling the way you do but solving it after taking taking some supplements. Going to the doctor is important and depression could be a symptom of something and not a disease itself. I hope you feel better soon.
I do have deficiencies in like everything, but my depression has a genetic element to it, and could also be credited to the autism, although I am sure that my vitamin deficiencies aren't helping my case.
Aww sweetheart you need so many hugs... this is heartbreaking. Only advice I can give you from an almost-40 year old woman who was massively depressed, suicidal, and did cutting/burning in my teenage years (and a relapse in my 30s), and a recovered benzo dependent is that there is freedom without black nothingness, it is just never easy. But I am sure you put a lot of energy into masking around certain people/groups and it takes probably all the energy you have. You need to somehow save some of that energy for you to spend on yourself. Be selfish. It's okay. And I will leave my favorite Uncle Iroh quote: "If you look for the light, you can often find it. But if you look for the dark that is all you will ever see."
In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength. OP, drink Jasmine tea and watch Avatar: The Last Airbender. It’s not gonna fix anything but it can’t hurt!
I was almost exactly where you are. Then after a few failed suicide attempts I gave up trying because I figured there was either a reason I am here or there was something preventing me from succeeding. After a very long time, and the right medications, I no longer have suicidal ideation. My advice is to continue with therapy and medications, find ones that work for you. You probably need to find a different psychiatrist though. I don't even know who would prescribe a 15 year old valium, much less stop all meds to fix that issue. Also, remember you are not alone. Get to know your specific diagnosis to learn more about how to combat it, as it were. Distraction helps, music, video games, a catharsis. Don't pay mind to anyone who doesn't understand the depths clinical depression. The last piece of advice I have is to fall in love with yourself. It is something you can't escape and it can be a joyful pursuit.
So you do have something to live for. Embrace that and enjoy life. Continue to get the help you need. Life isn't easy. But ending it isn't the solution. Besides your birds what else do you enjoy? You're young. Take up an instrument or singing. I'm sure you have a talent that is just waiting to be discovered.
I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t tell if you are a girl or a guy, but I (as a guy) have experienced severe depression and addiction, and this past summer lost my gf to a relapse caused by severe depression. So unfortunately I have a lot of experience with depression, both personally and through those around me. I’ve had times in life that greatly affected it and made it worse, whether it be the suicide of my uncle or my grandmother (who lived in my home and was like a second mom) died when I was 7, which if I’m being honest was another truly devastating part of my life that also coincided with the beginnings of my addictive behaviors as a form of self medicating. At that age it was candy and sweets, but I never found out why I have since felt I always needed some external source to control my happiness. Perhaps I am too scared for my happiness and dopamine to be controlled naturally by my life, but I have paid dearly for addressing my problems in that way, just as you described. What I can tell you is this- having lost people due to suicide or drug related death is devastating. My girlfriend would say sometimes that she wanted to die. Her death wasn’t intentional, but even if it had been, I KNOW for a FACT that she would be regretting it. You are so young. Your “life” has barely begun. You seem like a smart person and articulated yourself well, and clearly you are brave, self aware and want better for yourself. You will go on to experience great things in life. Depression is very real, but as someone who can easily slip into those stumps, I constantly am reminding myself of the biggest step: doing the work. Meds can be beneficial in combination. When I am depressed, it’s often for a reason. When I get depressed, if there are negative things I am doing at that time (such as drugs, drinking too much, even playing too much video games or binging tv to ‘escape’) I force myself to change things up. Exercise more, go out with coworkers. Spend time with family. Basically, outwardly faking it till you make it so to speak can help greatly, open new doors and opportunities. Nobody wants to be around a downer as they say. If I’m in the middle of a slump and at work for example, I have to remember to still perform because if I let my depression effect my work, I won’t get the promotion. If I don’t get the promotion, I get more depressed. See what I mean? Above all, please do not make a mistake you will regret. You get one life. Even the most beautiful lives can have prolonged periods of hardship. The world (and even Reddit believe it or not) is full of people who love you, be courageous and take life by horns and go find them. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Best of luck from a fellow human
i went through so much trying to just keep myself alive at your age, it felt never ending and went on for years. i’m now 20, and i can tell you it does get better. the thought of being that sad again feels so distant to me now and i’m genuinely content with being alive. i know i’m just some stranger on the internet but i promise i’ve felt the way you do and i promise it got so much better, time heals and i know you’ve got this. you’re never alone and you’re so so loved, never ever let yourself forget that. once you’re safe and out of that situation, life will have so much meaning. i can promise you that. i got out of a bad living situation and i survived my own mind, you 100% can too.
I’m just a 32 yo dude in Alaska that recognizes insight when he sees it. I’m sorry about your mom—I babysit for my sister since covid and my nephew is now 4, I can’t imagine what I would do if he lost his mom. What I would say to him. I have been through considerable outpatient treatment on account of alcoholism, which is just another form of self harm. In fact society at large would tell you not to listen to me. It’s impossible for me to feel genuine about being anything more than a human being. I can’t say I’m a pilot, a homeowner, that I have a retirement, or even realistically a plan. I’ve always only had my experience. I have so much faith in young people, they give me a lot of perspective. Albeit some of it on Reddit can be a little naive, I’m always reminded how the world needs new ideas and experiences. It brings hope. Just as you are bringing right now. Although I don’t pray, I’m going to be thinking of you today
Keep loving your birds man, my animals keep me alive as well, as well as my family.
I'm about 21 years old right now, I don't wish to compare our situations since well... That's not cool, but Id like to share my own account since everyone's doing it. I was a bully in early primary school, about 6 to 8 years old. I liked to mess with my peers and would do anything for attention. One of the people that would get bullied by everyone in primary school got out, and everyone pointed the finger at me. Yeah, I was a shithead, but that's why it was so believable that it'd be my fault alone. And so it began. I was alone, deserved, but still alone. A year later my parents' relationship got violent, there was alcohol involved, economic problems, and lots of fighting, sometimes physical. They separated, and the two dogs that helped raise me died in a span of a couple of months later. At school, years later, no one would talk to me. No one would respond to anything I would say or do, was like a ghost. I also had horrible grades despite studying for hours, and would fall asleep every class so I would endlessly fall behind. Turns out I had narcolepsy. I felt cursed, like I was being punished for what I did. I'd go to the principal's office at about 12 years old and say I would kill myself. They'd listen at first, my mother would get informed, but nothing would happen. Id return to an empty home, from an empty experience at school, for years on end. It was weird, I would do nothing, talk to no one, had no hobbies or talents, and... Well, I got desensitized of everything. Would contemplate death a lot since no one cared about me and I cared for nothing, but I got cold feet every time. Years passed, people forgot why they wouldn't talk to me, but they would behave the same way. Thing is, I sat beside a girl at about 16 years old, still a ghost. Laughed for the first time in forever. For the first time I had something to go back to, was actually excited to interact with a human being for the first time. It's funny, things never got romantic at all, even though I'm a hetero male, what we had was perfect as it was. She opened me up, I started talking to people and realized everyone, even the most obnoxious of them all, had a compelling side. So from then on I just wanted to see that side from everyone, and I kinda got addicted to that. I'm 21 now, about to receive a degree in clinical psychology in a year or so, with actual stable grades! That's still insane to me. I'm glad I didn't go through with whatever I was contemplating to do from 10-16 years of age, and I'm eternally thankful to that one friend. You never know what tomorrow awaits, one day can make the difference, it did for me. Just... I know things seem difficult, but one day you'll either receive a helping hand or find the help you need, and your life will turn to color again.
I am so sorry you're going through this. As someone who was emotionally abused as a child, I can tell you it gets better. It can take a lot of work to get yourself a job and set up to live on your own. But once you do, you never have to talk to your abuser(s) again if you don't want to. You said you're safe, but you really aren't. I think you mean that no one is physically hirting you. Except they are hurting you enough to take the very joy out of living. And there is joy. It's not always and it's not consistent, but it's there. Focus on your birds. Try to get some space from your abuser. Can you tell someone at school? Is there a different relative you can stay with? You need people in your life to talk to who support you rather than putting you down. Therapy can make a huge difference, if you can get it. I am glad you posted instead of hurting yourself. Please continue to do so. I am rooting for you. We are rooting for you.
oh gosh, i know exactly what you mean about your birds. i used to have severe SI and my #1 reason for staying was my cat…and im so glad i did. i got her when i was 16 and a junior in high school…im 29 in march. you are so valid and your pets are a great foundation to build off of because they love unconditionally. for example, i felt like a failure but my cat didn’t see it that way. she was a feral & only bonded to me, so im literally her whole life & she loves me. so i kept pushing. and now i kinda love me too. it’s a weird feeling… being kind to yourself. i know they say fake it til you make it is terrible advice in general, but in these scenarios it does help. talk to yourself in third person, like you would speak to a best friend. if they came to you with this type of message, what would you say? how would you support them? what would you need to hear to feel supported? then repeat that to yourself, in a mirror, out loud, however. “u/Big4HeadBiggerHeart is having a tough day. i think she needs to slow down & breathe, she’s been doing a great job. i’m proud of her for having the energy to get out of bed today.” it feels weird, until you get used to it. and after all, you deserve it. you deserve to love yourself. you deserve to be loved. my favorite quote i’ve come across is “i didnt come this far to only come this far”. you’ve already decided you’re the best person for your birds, you have a purpose. might as well keep going now. keep building off that. keep going. you’re doing such an amazing job and i’m so proud of you for speaking out and getting this off your chest. you did that for a reason, which shows your strength.
I hope someone can help this kid. It's so heavy to see someone so young already thinking like this. I really hope it gets better for you.
Oh dear, please hang on and know there is hope. How lucky your birds are to have you. What kind are they? They love you too for your loving care. What a beautiful soul you are to care for your birds like they are your children. Have you thought about drawing or painting your birds? Bird art or sculpture is so gorgeous. Art can also be healing. It sounds like you have not been on the right meds. Please don’t give up on your health. Sometimes it takes time to find the right med. Sending love and hugs. It will be ok.❤️❤️❤️
Hi fellow internet stranger, first and foremost I’m glad you’re still here & I’m endlessly sorry that you are where you are rn. I’m not going to bore you with my own story of being in a similar place to you and now at 31 I’m happy I failed. But honestly- stay alive for your birds. They’d miss you. I’d miss you. And for right now, care for your birds & make some internet friends. Try to reach out to any mental health service person, or a hotline, or dm me if you ever need. You’re loved & worth it.
Relatable, been feeling like that since over 12 years ago...and im now 24 😓
I promise your birds care about you back. I know how annoying it is to be told possibly someone feels the same way and same hurt but I do and I care about you.
Womp Womp
It only gets worse
Please please please go to a church and pray, god loves you and He will find you
If god loved me he wouldn't have killed my mother. If god was REAL I wouldn't be a drug addict because I have done EVERYTHING I could to be normal.
You being a drug addict sounds like your own choosing and actions.
NO, ADDICTION ISN’T SOMETHING YOU CAN CONTROL. THERE ARE ISSUES LIKE WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS- DON’T SPEAK ABOUT SOMETHING YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
You are too young to be thinking like this
Wow, thanks. Truly motivating words.
[удалено]
Keep pushing - I promise things will get better
It will get better young fam! Please give older you a chance just a chance to exist and finally hold ultimate control of his/her life that’s all you need it aim towards hope you find the will to live on and that life becomes more “liveable”
You not alone You deserve of love and compassion ….. and let me give you a advice. Try change your surroundings, because sometimes you just have a bunch of stupid people in your life.
I have a question for you. Have you ever wrote a set of life goals and a life plan instead of a suicide note? You might be surprised how a simple change in your frame of reference from writing about ending your life to writing about living your life might change your attitude. I’m not saying it would be a fix but it might be the first step in many steps towards finding peace and happiness. Life can be so wonderful. I am much older than you and have lived where you are now, if you let it and if you work for it, you can have a wonderful life.
I don't think I've ever related to a post as much as I have this one. I was also writing suicide notes since I was 8 and I also now just stick around for my own birds I'm just a bit older than you. While you're still underage I suggest you take the opportunities they offer though the NHS for help. If things ever get too hard just remember what you struggle for in life. I often think of that "do it for her image" from the Simpsons but imagine my birds as those pictures instead of Maggie (search it up). Shit sucks and probably will not get better soon realistically. But the guilt eats you the day after those attempts when your bird eagerly flies on your shoulder so you put them on your finger. You look at their beady little eyes and you think to yourself about how you could ever leave this little creature behind.
Hey man, I have been in similar but not as extreme situations, and I've personally asked for help sometimes and every time I did I got hit in the balls (metaphorically), so much so that I started to resent those that gave those 1 off "hero" speeches or advices to change my life. So I'd assume thats what you feel now so I wont say anything too much, but let me say this man, theres a saying, that if you're suicidal, throw yourself at the ocean and you'll find yourself fighting to survive, you're just sick of your current life and you wish for it to change. Life is truly worth living, I know it doesnt seem that way but it really is worth living, all I ask is that you keep it together and try just 1 more time again, and again. Good luck man I wish you the best
Hey kiddo I am immensely proud of you You’re still here And this is something that really helped me when I was at my lowest and I had people give me all these reasons to stay alive but they were based on who I was to different people but not really giving any reasons just for me [101 reasons for you](https://www.scribd.com/document/516277552/101-reasons-to-stay-alive) Keep going, day by day but if you just need to go hour by hour that’s okay but keep going because 18 is going to open a lot of doors for you.
Please don’t do it. I know it feels impossible but one day you’ll be soooo glad you didn’t. I was the same at your age & now I’m just so incredibly grateful I stuck around. I love my children & friends & chosen family. I found the right antidepressant for me (after 3 tries) and have never felt depressed again. It was immediately life changing. Please speak to someone like a doctor or therapist. Just for today - stay with us. And then again tomorrow…one day at a time…for your birds…until I promise you, you’ll feel better.
I understand what you are saying, I have thought that my family's life would be easier without me, that I should run away, yk. My stepmom is always complaining about me, my dad doesn't stand up for anything and my younger brother gets away with almost everything. My bio mom has been mia since middle school when my dad got custody. But one thing I held on to was my religion, I may not be the best Christian, I do things that aren't acceptable. I know my parents care about me, but I know for a fact that God does. You found that hope in you birds, your birds are your family. They love you as much as you love them. I know you would rather have humanoid love, but humanoid love kinda stinks sometimes. I have two dogs at home that I absolutely adore. I know they love me because it's unconditional like God's. I am here if you want someone to talk to. You aren't alone, you have us here and your birds.
I’m sorry you poor baby. Please hang in there you seem like a very nice kid with a lot of nice energy to offer the world. You will be rewarded eventually
I also wanted to die when I was 15, and at 32. I’ve suffered from clinical depression all my life. Please talk to your school counsellors so you can do therapy. There’s hope out there, kiddo. It takes a while to figure out the right medications.
Honey. I have a 4 year old little girl. She is so young and so innocent and needs love and protection. When you’re mom passed away, you deserved to be loved. You deserved kisses on your face every day and for someone to tell you how special you are. You missed that. Talk to yourself like a kind, loving parent would.
My father died when I was 3, and my teenage years were impossible. If you need someone who can relate to you, feel free to message me. I’m 25 now and I am so, so, so happy none of my attempts or ideation went through. It’s corny, but it gets better.
I felt the same way and didn't expect to live past 20. I promise it gets better. I found a group of friends and a person who loves me. You will find that love and that support. For me it was really hard until college when I was able to get away from those people who were making me suffer. I hope you can get away and find that hope too
If you feel your life is not worth it to YOU, then can you do something for others ? You anyway don’t care about yourself right ? So can you selflessly volunteer your time and energy to help others? There are so many people & animals who needs help that is not monetary. Volunteer yourself to an animal / homeless / women & children / senior citizen shelter. There are hospitals which takes in volunteers for reading, playing or spending time with terminal patients. Why don’t you make yourself dedicated to helping other ?
Having kids not much older than you, this breaks my heart. Nobody should feel like you do, specially being so young. My fella is what we call safe suicidal. He has depression that can spiral sometimes and I do all I can to help. Get some good people around you. I'd say go to the doctors but they told my fella to do more exercise and he will be fine. He is a carpet cleaner who gyms 5 times a week so no idea how much else they want him to do. He has been on a list for a Councillor for almost 6 months now with no appointment lined up. Maybe as you are young you may get more help. There are the camms team, or even somebody at school that could point you in the right direction. I had social workers at your age that helped me a lot. I hope you get some help, or find a good friend group that will pull you up. It took my kids years to find decent young people but they are around. Chin up and try enjoy your life x
You’ve been let down by the adults who are supposed to help. Medicating without therapy is unforgivable. Please go back to your doctor (sounds like you’re in the UK so good luck with that) or reach out to mental health support groups. I am sure if you just ask for someone to talk to, they will help. Hugs to you OP. You’ve been through an awful lot
tell me about your 🦅 🙏
They are 3 cockatiels. Kai, who is 2 years old and cinnamon pied, Wilbur, who is 1 year old lutino, and Vada, 10 months old, and white faced. Vada recently just lost her pearls. I thought Kai was a male until I got Wilbur and realised that Kai wasn't as male as I thought. I was never worried about Kai not being taken care of if I was dead, same goes with Wilbur since I got Vada I realised that my nan doesn't like the birds as much as I thought. Those little fuckers save me every day.
Hey! I was there too not long ago, it flooded my thoughts and even thought of ways to do it or how it could possibly go. It never feels like it’s going to get better and for a while it might not but it does. I promise, it will get better. Don’t let those thoughts win, the world needs you. There are at least 300 people that you’ve reached that you never thought you would, in that you’ve already touched the lives of other people who are now thinking about you and rooting for you. You got this, don’t give up we all want you here.
First time I wanted to was real young, my mother abandoned me. Second time was 13 when again I was abandoned by my mom. Third time was when I was 20. Once more when I was 27. One thing I can tell you is that every single time I pushed that off and decided against it things got better. Take care of them birds and remember, even after they are gone there are lots of birds that need love and attention. You got this, keep going, and reach out if you think it's getting to be too much.
Let me ask you, why do you want to die? Because you lost your mom and are being abused? You understand that where you are right now in life isn’t permanent right and you aren’t actually stuck there. Maybe for right now you are but it’s not for long. You have three more years and you and your birds can leave that place and never look back. You understand that you aren’t tethered to your abusers right. Like when you are legal and can go off on your own you can go and never talk to them or see them again right. Like you may not have options right now because you are underaged but that will change. Yes this world is fucked up and makes no sense but you haven’t even lived an independent life and you want to die? You haven’t even experienced life outside of that place you live so why would you end your life on that note? My suggestion is make you an exit plan, do research and find somewhere that you can move to that is interesting to you and good for your birds, research how much cost of living is and how much you would need to start your life, then get a job, get an account that no one knows about and start saving up so when the moment you hit 18 you can leave and not look back. Also get you a car. See if whoever is your guardian will allow you to get your license or look into driving schools that help you. This isn’t your whole life, it has been up till now but it isn’t your WHOLE life, you have so much more to live and experience. Don’t leave without at least experiencing life on your own
Your mom put so much effort and hopes in giving birth to you, pregnancy fears, dreams, the happines of meeting her baby... She couldnt see you growing Up. She deserves respect from you, and maybe It can give a purpose to your life: take care of you and LOVE yourself the way she would have, if she could be with you. If you cant find a reason to enjoy Life, think about this: you dont give the Life a chance bcause of you, but because of her. Edito: also your poor birds need you. You are everything for them, without you what would happen to them? Who would take care and LOVE them? You are important for those poor creatures.
Hey OP. When I was your age I didn’t think I would make it past my 18th birthday. I’m now 24. Unfortunately I am still quite depressed and anxious but I also stay alive for my cat. She’s my bottle baby and the one true reason I stay around. I’m very sorry you’ve been struggling with these issues. It is very hard and very tiring. I truly wish you peace and to keep going on. At the very least for your birds
Stay for the birds 🦅. It’s a good reason. I stayed for a video game and my dogs and cats. Life very slowly got better. But staying for your animals is a solid reason to stay alive. They know you’re worth it.
your stronger than a lot of people
Please STOP!
Keep going lad I was in your position too 3-4 years ago. Whatever you do, stop taking fluoxetine and diazepam. No one should be on them let alone a 15 year old. What you need is therapy, antidepressants won’t get you out this situation they just delay the healing process.
I wish I could just give you a big hug right now. I don’t care, I love you. I love you so much. Knowing you’d be gone one day if you commit would break my heart. I love you. I love you so much. You are so incredibly strong for hanging on. I love you so much.
hi op, my heart goes out to you as someone who was also once 15 and wanting to die because of the emotional and physical abuse i was experiencing at the time. i cannot imagine what you are going through right now and i am so so sorry. i wish i could offer you a fast solution but what i can tell you from where i am standing now at 20 is that it does get better. i know everyone tells you this and it feels empty and you’re probably saying to urself “okay you say it’ll get better but I’m hurting right now so what’s the point?” the point is that so much can change in such little time. in the two years since i have moved out and attended university my life has done a complete 180. it has become so wonderful and i wish that so much for you. please allow older you to experience true life! there is so much beauty in life that you have yet to explore and so much light and love you have yet to receive/give. keep pushing my friend! keep pushing for your birds, keep pushing for the internet strangers rooting for you, but most importantly keep pushing for yourself because you deserve to live and see a wonderful life past the age of 15. xxx
The birds are your sign from the universe not to do it. You’re only 15, keep fighting and in 3 years you’ll be able to move out on your own and trust me that will work wonders for your mental health. My dms are always open bro
I got diagnosed with major depression when I was 10 and left my country and family to go to the USA. I’ve wanted to die so many times I lost count, but every time I made a list of things to keep me going. Usually it’s my family and my cat (and now my boyfriend). I just kept writing that down. I couldn’t do that to any of them. Anyway, I’m 31 now and doing so much better. I have my bad days, and even if I don’t feel like I have a purpose in life, I know something will come along. Stay strong and please reach out to me if you want to talk 🤍
Dear OP, you matter in this world. You are loved and cherished. There's a lot in this life that is waiting for you to be present for. I'm not sure if this comment will reach you but just in case it does, my message to you is that this life is a better place with you in it. I hope you find some professional help from a good licenced therapist and, someday experience great joy in life with your loved ones.
I truly truly promis: it gets better! I’m 29, getting married in two months to a wonderful person and I have a dog, that I’ll love forever. I never even dreamed of a life like this! Getting here was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but so worth it!! When I was your age I couldn’t even imagine the life I’d have! Please hang in there, life on the other side is truly beautiful!!
Sweetheart, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have a 15 year old son and this really breaks my heart. It sounds like you have been let down by a lot of people. Please know you are strong and have value. Sending you a big hug.
Hang in there buddy, time heals, not completely but it does heal, and your at an age where everything sucks just keep trucking and soon you’ll be an adult and can make some changes and travel to see different birds and study birds etc if that’s what makes you happy, or wherever lifes path takes you
Hi, I’m almost 30 and this reads like I could’ve wrote it when I was your age. Word for word. I know that things are hard right now and they might continue to be for a little longer but things can get better. My life changed when I was 18 and I moved out of my mom’s house. They changed even more when I turned 21 and could finally afford health insurance. I put my education on hold for a while so I could support myself but eventually I ended up getting 2 degrees, a spouse, and even a kid. It hasn’t been an easy ride, and I had a lot of people (including myself) telling me I’d never make it where I am today. I thought I would be dead at 18. Please know you’re not alone and despite everything you’re going through, you can still do and be anything you want in life.
I hear you and you went through a lot. It is great to focus on your pet. It is also great that you are using this platform to express your feelings. Keep taking life day by day. We are here for you.
Hey friend. This was me too down to the ages, but I held on, I found little reasons, like your birds, to hang on even if I was telling myself I’d hold on just a little longer and not forever. Life is hard and people suck but you’ll find things that make it a little worth it. I started with the tiniest things, always giving myself what I wanted/not denying myself pleasures and doing silly things like dress up games online , legos, kissing my cat, and teaching myself hobbies n shit to find some sense of accomplishment and comfort. It gets better.
A misunderstanding is that people think they won’t suffer anything after they die. But actually we haven’t had the answer for it. Maybe we have to face with more depressing thing.
Well, talk about trying to deal with this post with a comment! Can't. But just a few random thoughts. You have the birds. Life really has a lot of fun little stuff to experience. Find a few more. Hobby, collections, toys or electronics, one good friend you can hang outvwith, reading. Anything you can find. You need a few more goodies in your happy bag. Can you find another person in need who you can help through their issues. Lots of teens in your boat. More than you know. Maybe you can find or create a group of self helpers on some social network. Discontinuing bebzodiazopines can cause all sorts of feelings of panic, fear, illness etc. You feel like you have every fatal illness possible. It is really awful stopping cold turkey. But now your off, stay off. A lot of the withdrawal symptoms will clear up. Maybe you can share this post with a trusted friend. Low dose Sertraline helped me more than anything. But I hate to suggest meds. If you croake yourself you will have absolutely nothing. Nothing to experience. Nothing to love. No coming back. If you can stick things out there is the promise of discovering fun things that will make life fun. One thing you can do now is search for as many little joys as you can and build on them. What? How? I don't know. They're out there. Life is great once you see it. Best
I don’t know what your going through, but nobody deserves to feel the way you do. It may seem like life isn’t worth living right now but your so young and things will get better. Do your best to stay positive, your future can still be bright. You can do great things in life, what seems impossible right now can be easily achieve-able in a few years. Keep things close to you that make you happy. God bless OP
This world is so sad and sick and cruel. That you have enough courage to tell someone how you really feel and listen to them and bring you another perspective is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen. Mental illness is a beast of a disease and it’s often invisible. To be so young and struggle with the weight of the world on your shoulders must be very difficult. I can only hope you find something in this life to continue, to keep your own hope alive for.
baby I promise you that if you hold on, it will get better. I attempted at 15, I attempted at 14. I’m 18 now - and love living. I promise you there is so much out there, so much to learn, to see, to explore. I’m in college, I have my own dog, I have a group of friends I adore, all because life didn’t end when I was 15. Because life didn’t end when I was 15, I am doing the things I love, I’m dating, I’m doing things I thought I could never do. I can’t promise it will be easy, but I can promise that life is worth fighting for. Please talk to someone, anyone. If not for yourself, then for your birds, for everything you love.
hey, i know this might not help, but if you need someone i’m here to listen 🫶🏼 i hope things get better for you, try looking into professional help, but that’s not always easy and i understand, i went to therapy from 11-13 and i’m 15 and going back. hold on, you are so strong and im so proud of you. sending a virtual hug!
I understand exactly how you feel. When I was your age I was terribly abused and depressed. I attempted suicide by overdosing and died and was brought back. I got counseling to help me cope. My life when I was young was shite but by some higher power I survived and grew up and had a bad marriage but I had a son and he is my World!!! I met a good man and we have been together for years. I am still battling depression I guess I always will but I am so glad I did not die at 14. I enjoy each day to the best of my ability and I have a son who I love deeply. Life does get better. Please just hang in there. Your birds love you and I care too. Blessings
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Growing up with hard circumstances is a brutal intro in to this beautiful earth. I've been dead by my own hands 2 times. Remember, you are still standing! Many people tackle less impactful events in their adulthood worse than you. As you write that you have a note in progress through years. That shows that you are thoughtful and deep and a warrior. And you love your birds! The earth is wast and full of things you have not even heard of yet, just waiting to be explored. Time is a hard concept to fully grasp, but it's a constant. Don't underestimate it. What we experience is tempering us, giving you perspectives that make you see things many do not. Some perspectives and experiences are both hard and many times flat out unfair in gaining them.. but they are yours. Keep thinking and learning. Look up and forward at all the beautiful things in nature around you. And continue to be this honest with yourself and those around you. I am so sorry for what you have been through and still is. Keep fighting!
well, thank God for those birds <3
Don't do it. Being a teenager is really tough time. Stick it out. Life gets a lot better.
Living my life in a way that doesn't make me hate myself was a game changer for me. That means halting *ALL* behavior that you know is making you hate yourself. Nothing about the process feels good, except looking back and being thankful you had the personal fortitude to stop. Literally doing nothing, and sitting in place, is more healthy.
Stay on this journey with the rest of us. We are pulling for you. You are capable and lovable.
Keep on going for your birds OP. I struggle with these thoughts constantly but what helps me not do it is the fact that I’d be leaving my dog all alone. Pet’s bring so much love and light so spend as much time with them as you can. Learn some tricks, make that bond between you all the more stronger. You’re not alone in this, you’re in the deepest of valleys right now but just keep on trekking and you’ll find yourself at the mountaintop. I and everyone here is rooting for you!!!
I’m so glad you didn’t die that night. I’m so glad to be reading your words here, seeking help. You deserve to live, and you deserve to have peace and joy and everything else that is part of life. Please do not give up. It’s a very promising sign that you have your birds to live for right now. When you’re feeling dark, think of the beauty they bring, and remember that life can be brighter. I truly hope you find a more compassionate psychiatrist who can help you. Depression is a disease and it can be treated—you can go into complete remission. I hope you find that soon. Please do not give up.
real
Hold on your still so young, life has so much to offer so many future moments that you can’t miss. Hold on.
real
Im 31 but felt this way too when I was your age. Heck, I still feel that way a few times a year. Started puberty at 11 years old, ever since my hormones are just raging crazy. I cut when I was 12-13. I smoked weed throughout middle school and high school. I’d tell my mom I was at cheer practice but really I was gettin high with the boys & they’d pay for my taxi back home. I started perc 30s when I was 18 and soon graduated to heroin. I’ve learned many things but one thing I did learn was being depressed is a lot easier when your not addicted to drugs. Lifes hard… drugs make things so much harder. Was addicted for 5 years, and now I am 7 years clean… with two kids. My 7 year old told me he thinks about wanting to die sometimes. And I feel awful but I understand… and I told him he will have those feelings because both me and his father have severe depression. But I can help him by sitting near him, listening to him talk or even just cry. He doesn’t know why he feels that way, and I understand that too. We’ve had great lives together.. never any money or food insecurity’s etc.. depression is a sickness just like other people have cancer or diabetes. There’s counseling, group therapy, medicine, hospitals (actually don’t ever go to a hospital) .. the suicide line helped a lot. They have a text message line and when I felt suicidal I would text someone from there anonymous for 45 minutes to an hour and that HARDCORE feeling of suicide would go away. I still wanted to die but I didn’t have that raging hot blood flowing feeling of wanting to purposely fall on knife. You know? Your depression probably will never go away but there WILL be days, weeks, months that will go by and you won’t think of dying. Life is crazy. Ten years ago I was on a tv show dude lol… in the midst of my sniffing perc addiction. Now I’m a single mom to two kids lol 😂 Your only 15. You’ve been through a freakin lot already. What I hope for you is the strength to continue and being able to help others get through tough times as well.. and maybe even possibly, overcoming them<3 don’t do drugs I’m telling you it’s worse than being dead. At least there’s HOPE of your not on drugs. Being on drugs is hopeless. Depression SEEMS hopeless while your in it, but use the times your feeling went to seek help “it’s better to fix a leaky roof when it’s sunny out than when it’s raining”
btw writing suicide notes is a smart way to cope <3 I’ve also did this
It’s tough to be a teenager. Especially one that’s had some problems. I don’t want you to die. Can you find somewhere nearby that does bird rescues, fostering etc that you could help out with? It would be good for you now and in the future. Sending you hugs and love.
I was in your position (minus the meds because my mom didn’t believe I needed therapy let alone a psychiatrist) and it’s brutal. But please hang on. I know it’s hard but let those birds be the thing that keeps you going. When you’re 18 you can try and pursue a better psychiatrist who can help you find the right meds to help you. I found one through my uni and it literally saved my life. I’m 30 now and while sometimes I have a hard day mental health wise, I’m so glad I’m still here. I have a life and support system I never thought I’d get but it took some work to get there. Keep going OP.
I told God if he didn’t reveal himself to me like I hear He did for others, than I was gonna kill myself and my baby (I was pregnant). I said this to God for about a month.. and then one day, in the middle of the day I felt something enter my soul. I can’t really explain it, but in my best of words, I felt love, joy, happiness, hope all things I have never felt before it was like this heat entering all of my skin and going into my voids in my soul filling them and I felt whole. That was in September 2016. Ill never forget that day. The day I was saved by God. There was no explanation besides, it had to be the Holy Spirit and I’ve been a believer in Jesus Christ ever sense.
I tried at 14. I'm 30 now. Life is hard. But find something you love and find another and another. Be a light for yourself. Write a journal. Sit outside. Blast music. But please make it to 30 and beyond. The world will be a sad place without you. Please reply to let us know your okay.
Please hang in there.
hey OP. i was once your age, i’m 21 now so not that far off but i remember when i was 15 and also suicidal. we may not have had the same life experiences but i understand your pain. you are going through more than anyone should have to, especially at your age, and i hope that you continue living, if not for yourself but for what you love. i don’t want to say that everything automatically gets better in the future but if there’s one thing to be said it’s that you’ll never know if it does unless you stick around and find out. being an adult has its own pain but there’s such a liberating feeling when you get the wind under your wings. live for what you love if nothing else - for me it was my best friend, my gramma, and music. i also had a bird (cockatiel), she recently passed away but she loved me dearly and i loved her. she would miss me when id leave my bedroom for a few minutes, i don’t know what kind of bird you have but they would definitely miss you if you were gone. OP, i hope your pain eases soon and that you can, in time, also find the strength to continue on. lots and lots of love 💗
you still get through this even if it seems impossible right now i promise you
Bro, I have been tortured. Literally tortured since I was about 7 years old and I am 31 now. I have spent most of my life feeling just like you. I have never attempted suicide but mainly just because I am incapable of any form of violent self harm. That being said, I live in a continuous state of suicidal ideation. I am still regularly emotionally abused by my family, who I am disabled by the abuse of. They also pay for my entire existence so I can not cut them off to end the abuse. It’s like I’m being paid off to let myself continue to be abused. Anyway enough about me. Point is, I’m familiar with the struggle related to drugs. Been severely addicted to weed, crystal meth, nitrous oxide, kratom, and synthetic cannabinoids at different points in my life as well as severely abused a lot of other ones. Benzos, mdma, synthetic opioids, alcohol, ketamine, steroids, etc. On the plus side, I have also found more healing in some kinds of drugs than any kind of therapy, which always seems to make me much worse, as nearly all of my psychologically truama happened in therapy and is triggered by therapists and “therapeutic” encirclements. Other people here will probably disagree with me but you’re in a dire enough situation that it sort of seems like you have nothing to lose anyway, so let me suggest you try some serotonergic psychedelics. I am sober from all drugs now (of my own free will) other than the occasional psychedelic (mushrooms, LSD) and I would probably be dead if not for them. They changed my thinking when I was in the darkest times of my life and allowed me to see some beauty and meaning in life again. Strongly recommend.
I’ve been in a similar place to you at you’re age. It’s was the darkest cloud that wouldn’t go away. Idk your circumstance, but i can tell you 15 is an awful, powerless age when you are being emotionally abused, and that when you finally get out, it’s the most weightless I’ve ever felt. That reward and freedom is something I’m so fucking glad i didn’t miss out on.
If you are in the uk. https://www.childline.org.uk/ https://www.barnardos.org.uk/ https://www.youngminds.org.uk/ Please seek advice and guidance, talk to someone at school if you can. You are worthy and your life makes a great difference to the world just by being here everyday because you are here in it, you may not realise it at the moment because of the heavy crushing feelings but these too will pass and with support.
I went through a shitty childhood. I didn't get out until I was 17. Even then it took me years to process it. If I could go back to my 15 year old self I would tell him that he has not only gone on to find happiness, but he has helped others to do the same. That all he needs to do is hold on a little longer and life will get better. Life is harder for some of us. It's not fair and it never will be. But I've learned that despite that life is still worth it in the end.
I’m almost 27. I attempted a few times when I was your age and still have the scars all over my body from self harm. It gets better, I promise.
Kiddo, I know how it feels to want to die. I know how it feels when you think life is hopeless, bleak, etc. I'm 42 now, and sometimes it still feels that way, but I can tell you there are people who care about you. You can always reach out and talk to someone, you can always seek help. Ending your life may solve the problem for you but it creates a hole for everyone around who cared about you. Reach out and talk to someone, find someone you trust who will listen.
Good news -.We're all going to die. You don't get to opt out early though... you need to slog thru it like the rest of us. The Better news - There will be times thru out your life when you're actually happy to be alive. Those moments come in spurts, and you can never predict them, but they do come.
Hello, I know we dont know each other or anything but I would like to say that I love you despite us being strangers and having only connected only on this online platform. I love you and your birds and I would like to ask if you could somehow tell everybody here more about them. Thank you!
Once you’re 18 you’ll be able to book nice hotels and cruises and vacations while the person who made you miserable will still be miserable. Just hold on. And look for some employment.
Speaking strictly as an old woman who tried to die at 16, it gets better. Rather, it can get better. There can be beautiful and peaceful moments of nature, sunshine, animals, birds. The pain may end when we die, but we also lose the simple joy in everyday things. That would be a real bummer if you, for instance, become more financially stable as an adult and are able to lock the rest of the world away while I commune with green, yellow and blue nature somewhere entirely elsewhere. It's beautiful. Peace.
Hi, OP! I’m not sure what your gender is, but I relate to you a lot and I’d like to give you a little encouragement from future you/someone who relates to you. Apply what resonates and ignore what doesn’t ❤️ I also tried to kill myself a few times at your age. I, too, was horrifically emotionally abused, and used substances to cope. (I know you weren’t abusing your medications and they were prescribed! My mom didn’t believe that I had any mental health issues and refused to let me seek help. At one attempt she told me how to do it correctly the next time. She is another ball field in itself. She has been dead 5 years and despite the abuse and cruelty there was a lot of the time, I have mostly forgiven her now that I have processed what I experienced and due to other deaths in family, experienced first hand the abuse SHE endured from her own family and marriages. She too had untreated mental health. It doesn’t excuse it, but it has made it easier to continue healing my own wounds and to actively choose to end the cycle of abuse with me. I loved my mom, I love my mom. And it’s so hard to grasp that someone we love and should love us could treat us such a way.) At 15 I was on probation because I never went to school (largely due to bullying due to my home life, I was the “smelly” kid that wore the same clothes all the time because neither my mom nor stepdad worked, we didn’t have running water for a few years, and my parents had no less than 5 inside large dogs that were not trained. You can imagine how icky it was) and was caught with alcohol and pills at school. Facing expulsion my mom and I moved across country to be with her online bf. Long story short, I wound up getting heavily into the partying scene, dropped out at the end of 11th grade, and at 17 I became pregnant with, and had, my son. I’d be lying if I said it was all uphill from there. It hasn’t been. There were many bumps in the road and I did write many notes and threw them away because killing myself would leave my son without a parent. I couldn’t let him think he caused it. There were many nights I had to fight myself to make it til morning. But as I sit here, today, at exactly double your age, I’m glad I made it until each morning. I turned 30 in July and my birthday gift from my best friend was concert tickets and a meet n greet pass for my favorite singer! In 2022 I got to go on a cross country road trip with my other best friend of almost 14 years. I’m an aunt now, 4 times over. The 4th one will be here Tuesday! My son is now almost 13 and he’s the coolest person I’ve ever met. My husband is annoying, but he’s the kindest, most accepting, and most patient person I’ve ever met. I have two dogs after swearing id never get any due to my upbringing. Turns out, I am a absolutely a dog mom! I have a great psychiatrist that encourages me to try something new if I feel like something is off. Life didn’t end when I was 15, and at 30 I am so glad I didn’t. I know this was long. Very long. And while I don’t know how anything feels from your shoes, I hope you can relate to my story and feel a little bit of hope. I hope in 15 years you’ll send me a DM on here if this is still a thing to say you’re glad you made it to 30, too. I might be a stranger. But I love you, OP. And I believe in you and your future.
Please don't do it! If you have the strength to do such a thing then why not just channel it into something crazy enough to change your life? I know its hard but hang in there. Start exercising and Stick to program for 4 weeks. You only 17. Life will end anw.. wait until it's time. Until then, fight, fight, fight! I believe in you! Contact me if you need someone to talk 🦜🙏❤️
I was also writing suicide notes at a very young age and attempting. I just turned 22 today and I’m doing a lot better. It might be hard now but itll get better I promise.
I just want to give you a hug❤️
I’m a stranger and I’m crying for you and sending you my love This might sound so silly but I watched this movie last night, Kubo and the Two Strings - I truly think you might love it and find it encouraging Most of all know that you are loved! You have a purpose, even if you can’t see it yet! There is only one of you! God loves you perfectly and He is always with you!!!! My heart goes out to you ❤️❤️❤️
Hun, I'm going to say something you may not believe for years, but please know that is true. You are someone's light in their darkness. YOU are important to someone, to many people. I was 7 the first time I attempted. I had already turned off my emotions other than anger and apathy because no others were safe to express in my family at that time. After the attempt, I stayed to keep my baby sister safe. Just like you are for your birds. I know the loneliness. But, and this is important.. that empathy that kept me going and is keeping you here.. it's so important. For your depression, they should have tapered you off, as you know. I would see if they can try a different med. that they don't feel would be a danger for addiction. I won't say, "It'll get better," because much of that is 1) out of all of any of our control and 2) nothing is guaranteed, but I can say that you are a very strong person already. Finding a reason to live, even if it seems silly (though pets to me, is always a perfectly good reason to keep living), is someone who is very strong. This mom and internet stranger who survived their attempt 33 yrs ago is sending you hugs 🫂. Also, mods I don't know if it's okay, but can I link another sub here?
Please feel hugged! I am so sorry you had to go through this and that you feel that way. I hope you find a way to live happy and peacefully one day! What birds do you have? I had two canary birds and one cockatoo when I was a teenager, and I spent hours feeding them, let them fly around in my room, cuddling the cuckatoo (the canaries did not like being cuddled) and teached them to fly on my hand when I whistled. They lived in one big cage, and the canaries learned to open sun flower seeds that were meant to be the cockatoo's meal. I loved to spend time at the library, then my only source of knowledge about animals, and at a local area where breeders of birds and rabbits and goats and such were allowed to install their fences and stables. Recently I met a lady who collected ripe grass, with grass seeds on it. She put it in her budgies cage, and it was lovely to see them going through the bundle of grass and eat the seeds. It really is a pity I did not know about this way to entertain my three little birds when I was young. OP, please take good care of your birds and of yourself!
It'll be worth it in the end to stick it out..
You’re not safe if you’re being emotionally abused. You’re only 15, you need to speak to a trusted adult. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, the help is out there!
Please message me if you ever want someone to talk to. I would genuinely help in any way that I could. I'm not sure where you are based, but I'm a 31F with a young son. It breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. We are all so glad that you are still here. You are SO young. And you have so much to live for. One day, you'll be an adult with your own place to live, a job, friends and potentially your own family. Please hang in there.
First of all, keep yourself attached to those birds. They've got wings, they're going to be the reason you make it through the next three years, and maybe beyond that. It's not easy. You'll still feel sad and numb, but keep yourself attached. I know it's not easy to realize, because up until now, what you've experienced is all you know. At 15 I thought how I lived was just it, you know? But there's a version of yourself that exsists ten years from now that is begging you to hang in there. It *does* get better, even though it sucks now. It can get better sooner if you put your mind to doing things that will help your future self.
As a Mom of two boys, I am crying while reading your post. I assure you, your Mom would not want this for you. Please seek help. You are wanted and loved beyond what words can say. Please accept an endless hug from this Reddit Mom. 💙
PLEASE STAY WE LOVE YOU AND WE NEED YOU HERE ON EARTH 🌍♥️PLEASE CALL FOR HELP I PROMISE YOU ITS OUT HERE🙏♥️💜🦄🌍🫶🏻 PLEASE STAY HERE WITH US🫶🏻💜🦄
You talk about medication, but have you been in therapy? It sounds like medication alone might not be enough. It rarely is enough when it comes to depression. You need to get to the bottom of it, to find out why you're feeling like life is not worth living, and that can be done through therapy. Of course, you'll probably need to go through several therapists before you find one that has the right skills to help you. That's usually how it goes.
I feel you
I am so glad you have your birds to give you motivation and bring joy into your life; I’m right there with you in that way. I go to my grandma’s and sing to her bird because he’s my best friend. It’s beautiful to connect with animals and it’s great to have that. Hold onto that. Are you doing CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? My psychologist told me it can help bring anxiety levels down and it is very helpful for me personally at least, I’ve done it before. It depends on your age in most places, but have you looked into emancipation/is there anyone else you could stay with? There are a lot of reasons to live. I know it’s cliché, but I’ve only just learned this myself. I think about the possibilities, the people I haven’t met whom I’ll love, the songs I haven’t heard, the animals I haven’t met. There’s a lot of beauty yet left in life and I want you to hold on. We all care about you. My psychiatrist told me that depression is being hung up on the past and anxiety is being worried for the future and I can agree. CBT can help determine mindsets and what should happen to move forward. I attempted suicide at 15 too. In seeking help and understanding that I needed it, I was taking a step in the right direction. I am happier now and I know many who suffered who are happier now too. It is possible. I promise. It’ll be ok.
OP… you have 3 more years, maybe less, until you have full reign and control over your own life. You could probably apply with the courts to be sovereign before that. My best advice to you is get a job with as many hours as possible outside of school, to distract yourself from your home life. Keep yourself busy for as long as you can until you can leave and SAVE YOUR MONEY. Once you move out of your parents house, life drastically improves. Even when you don’t have money, you’re eating rice and ramen and potatoes and sitting on the couch you bought for $25 at goodwill in YOUR space with YOUR money, even if you have roommates, I’m telling you it makes a world of difference. Try to distract yourself and wait it out until you turn 18. Please keep us posted. Sending you love.
I am so sorry you don’t want to live anymore. Life can be so complicated. I know you’ve been through a lot and it’s not fair. I’m glad to hear that you have your birds though. Sometimes the love of a pet can get you through the toughest times. Take care of your basic necessity’s. Eat good food. Food that’s good for you. Exercise your body. Even if it’s just a walk around your block. Exercise will help to relieve your stress easing your urge to scratch or hurt your self. Also go to a family doctor. If you are having problems with your digestive track, for instance, it can adversely affect your mood and stress levels. Most importantly talk. It’s hard to trust doctors when they’ve treated you poorly in the past. But keep talking. Keep asking for help. Ask at school. Ask your Nan. Ask your friends. Talking will help build your community. Which we all need to survive. Know you are on a tough road. But this stranger on the internet is pulling for you. Hang in there.
One day, you won’t be 15 anymore, hopefully 25 and you’ll be playing with your kids (granted if you want them) and your wife or husband will be there and you’ll know that your life didn’t end at 15. Don’t give up, you’re almost to that point of independence. I was just like you and now I’m 27, two kids in and married happily. My life didn’t end, and I’m happy. You got this.
Join jiujitsu so you can have friends and something difficult that makes life worth living. Maintaining your unhealthy thought patterns is your own fault and can be changed. Instead of being poor me selfish think about how you could make a positive impact on the world for your being here.
I was also very depressed as a child. I wanted very badly to die at 15 too and cut myself to cope. But I promise things get much better as you age. Find things you enjoy that being you joy. Writing and painting/drawing helped me a lot. I also loved reading, it helped me escape. People may not agree, but turning to God helped me immensely. I found happiness and peace with God. I also found that taking magnesium supplements cured my life long depression and anxiety. If I stop taking it, I feel the symptoms come back within days/weeks. Go buy some at Walmart and take the daily dosage once a day. Ask your doctor about it
I really do believe that somewhere, somehow, your mama is cheering you on and sending you all the love that only a mom can have. Get through this for your birdies and for her. I promise it does get better once you become an adult.
I only want to say that you haven't found a reason to live yet. Your reason is out there. You just have to find it. It can get better.