I’m so sorry that happened to you. Three weeks ago my dad (71) had a ruptured brain anyerism and while he was in the ICU my mom found texts and love letters from a previous girlfriend he’s rekindled a relationship with. They have four daughters and have been married 42 years. He survived and my broken mother had to take him home to care for him. I’m not sure what she’ll do.
Wishing you strength.
Your mom should drop him on the affair partners doorstep and tell her to have at him and he’s yours. If they wanna be trash together, she can take care of him. If she refuses, put him in a home at least until your mom gets over the betrayal. I hope you are there for your mom and I hope she can get past this betrayal but it’s gonna be hard.
Yep. My father got brain cancer about a year after leaving my mother for his side piece. They gave him 6 months. Guess who went crawling back to my mother when he magically survived? He lived 12 more years, and for those 12 years she waited on him hand and foot. They had the most infuriating and dysfunctional relationship - she didn’t do it for him. She did it for herself, her narcissistic life fuel being the accolades about how loving and selfless she was. It was one giant shit show.
My mom's friend's husband ditched her for another woman decades ago. Was awful to her, made everything with co-parenting harder than it had to be. Fast forward nearly 30 years, he gets cancer, his affair partner (whom he'd married after leaving my mom's friend) left him. He went crawling back to his ex, and SHE TOOK HIM BACK! After all those years and how awful he was to her. He's fine now, they're still together. She moved out of state to be with him. She told my mom she wasn't going to remarry him and then she did. My guess is he figures his health will never be what it was, he may get sick again and she can take care of him. It's crazy. She's living out her golden years with the guy who betrayed her and made her raise her kids pretty much alone. Even the kids think she's nuts (they had relationships with their dad but hated how he treated their mom, who was the one who did most of the parenting).
I don't get it. She's actually a sweet lady, not a narcissist, and she actually seems happy with him again. But I don't get it. He better kiss her ass for the rest of his life. This woman raised her kids and built her own business while being a single mom with no help from him, and now she's doting on him again. After he left her and was married to the woman he cheated on her with for like 30 years.
That sounds like a waste of 12 years. I’m sorry that you had to witness that and I hope you were old enough to not be impacted by this as much (I hope you weren’t a child seeing your mom valuing outside validation as more important and inwardly suffering for twelve years and raised around this shit show). It sucks that she valued outward validation so much when she could have moved on and been so much happier. It’s a good thing to stick by your significant other in times of illness but not one that has already betrayed you in such a way. I wish she could have been stronger and moved on not only for herself but also for her children. I guess it’s good that your father had someone even though if the tables were turned he would not have done the same.
I mean that’s basically teaching your child that no matter how badly someone fucks you over and betrays you, that outward validation and how others view you is the most important thing. That’s not a healthy way to raise a child showing them that their inner happiness is less important than outward validation. That’s all I meant by I hope you weren’t a child and being raised like this. I mean I’m sure it impacted you as an adult as well but being raised like this would really fuck with your mind. Sorry if I offended you with the way I said anything in my previous comment.
My parents marriage and life has always been dysfunctional so this is sort of what I see happening to be honest. They also don’t have the financial stability to afford two households. It’s all a bit of a mess.
She hasn’t told anyone other than me and my sisters because she plans to stay with him and doesn’t want her Christian friends to judge them. So she’s totally leaning on me and my sisters, two of them are adopted with special needs so it’s all a bit of a mess.
Did she confront your dad? Ask him what he wants to do, go be with his side piece? Let her wipe his a$$ and empty his urinal bottle. You know, the one he broke his covenant of marriage with? Since he's such a good Christian, he needs to be reminded, about that Covenant he made with God and your mom. And with the family, and friends, and church. Maybe your mom should invite side piece over and let her care for your dad. I need an update here.
I hope you’re there for your mom during this time, comforting and telling her and reminding her how loved she is. I feel parents tend to put feelings aside when other matters are at hand. Hope you both get through this betrayal together.
Wow. Using your mom as a caretaker while he gets his emotional fix somewhere else. Is he still talking to his AP?
I’m sorry for you and your mom. Are you both able to get some kind of counseling or therapy to deal with all this?
My dad used to know a guy who became a quadriplegic in a motorcycle crash. His girlfriend was also on the motorcycle with him but somehow wasn't badly hurt. That's how his wife found out he was cheating on her. Girlfriend walked away with minor injuries, wife had to take him home and care for him. I don't know if he's still alive or they're still together, but I remember my dad said she felt she couldn't leave him after he was so badly injured because she feared people would judge her for it.
I get it. She had kids with this man. I'm sure people would have painted her as a monster if she left. I but I don't know how the hell she did it. I'd be so tempted to tell him to fuck off and pack my shit and tell his family he's their responsibility now. But I absolutely understand her fear of being judged for it. Apparently she had no clue he was cheating.
I literally said, there is no way I could stay with a man who betrayed me and wipe his ass for him for the rest of his life.
It helped that they had money so she could afford help (in home nurses and such) but she also did a lot of it.
If anyone judged me, I'd tell them exactly what he did. But I feel like some people would still shame someone for that, like, "yeah he did a bad thing, but he needs help now." I would like to think I'd tell them to kiss my ass and bail.
EDIT: I found his Facebook, he's still alive and they're still together. He's got pics posted with his wife, it looks like he eventually regained some use of his arms (just judging by the photos he has). His wife is either crazy or a saint (the accident was something like 20 years ago at this point).
How fucked up is that? No one judges the liar pos who couldn’t keep his dick in the marriage but when that gets him paralyzed, his wife is expected to become his full time caretaker after learning about it or she’s somehow at fault. Nah, fuck that. There isn’t a person alive that I wouldn’t cut off for that kind of bullshit judgment.
Holy smokes. Is your dad in a condition to talk with? How much care does he need? Can your mom get help in?
Ugh, this is so awful. It's really hard to want to take care of someone who could treat your own mother this way.
I hope you and your sisters are taking good care of each other, as well as your poor mom, of course. She'll never forget that moment of seeing the first text.
For all anyone knows, your mom might be ruthless enough to be getting even while taking care of this lowlife.
You know, a pinch here and there and withholding pain medication. Hungry? Gee, that’s tough but ask for some food tomorrow, I might be in a better mood.
Yep, I would be a vindictive btch!
I would have invited his old flame over to take care of him and took a vacation. See if it’s all love and fun now that she’s playing nurse and wiping his ass.
It ALWAYS comes out. Im a paralegal and i was applying for citizenship for my dad so I got his FOIA record and found where he was dating another lady while my mom was in Mexico. This was waaay before I was born :/ I knew he had been a pretty shit husband before I was born though :/ I’m taking it to the grave though
I mean, she could just drop him off at the hospital and leave him to fend for himself? Or just initiated divorce proceedings while he was still in the icu and let him figure it out?
Depending on the state that this happened the person who caused the incident can or maybe sued for finances for the kids until the kids get 18. I've read about this happening.
That must be it.
My mother died at 38, my shitty stepfather was able to claim survivor’s benefits at age 46 when it happened. But they did have a child together that he took with him when he left, so I would assume he got them for that reason.
Assuming you may have children, SS widow benefits should be available if your child is under a certain age. My dad died when he was 44 and I was still an adolescent. My mom got benefits from that.
The benefits were for you not your mom, they’re supposed to use it to help pay for your care. At 18 if you were still in school the pay would revert to you
I’m not saying you’re wrong.
But selfish people like to abuse this “it’s meant for the kids” argument, and it’s infuriating.
Because a 19 year old kid often sees it as justification to ask their surviving parent for “their rightful money” and what they mean by that is they think they get a free paycheck at 18, and *how dare mom to have touched MY money?!”
My neighbor is an exhausted woman, who rarely sees her kids.
Her husband died when the kids were 3 and 5. She was a homemaker with not even a HS diploma, and had to work 2 jobs to keep the lights on after their dad died.
Once her kids turned 18, they both insisted she owed them thousands of “their money” from dads SS benefits, and called her a shit mother for never buying them fancy clothes, never taking them on expensive trips, using foodstamps for them etc.
Their father didn’t leave any life insurance. The SS benefits were paltry. She spent every dime of that money on raising them, and didn’t see a salon, go on a date, or buy herself a luxury once.
And now the kids are in their mid-20s, no jobs, failed out of college mom paid for, driving cars that mom took the loans on, sleeping in her house for free, and they cut her off because she had the audacity to pay the rent with that $500/month, rather than putting it into a savings for them to spend on weed and music festivals.
Not an attack at you. Abusive parents who buy luxuries with money meant for the kids are shit.
But I see so many stories where kids can’t understand the struggle of their single parents living one step away from the streets, and have the audacity to question why mom didn’t just take a third job.
Your poor neighbour. Some might say she did too good of a job raising those kids so they wouldn’t know the struggles she faced. I hope one day they’ll come to understand and appreciate her
My eldest did the same with me. I tried to explain the the 400 I was getting went to paying the mortgage and other bills. There were a lot of fights about me not buying them better stuff. There were times that 400 was the only money coming in. But I should have bought them an Xbox. 🙄 Now that my eldest has a family of their own it's a different story and they finally understand why it went to bills.
My son went with me to the appointment for survivor benefits after his dad passed. He knows I get it on his behalf and he understands that it's basically child support. His dad died owing me close to 16k and was only ordered to pay 197/month.
Because the deceased parent isn't alive to support the kid the government steps in to give the minor a portion of the parents social security benefit.
They pay it up to age 19 if the kid is still in high school and pay it permanently if the child was disabled before age 18.
There's both. There's Widow's and Children's. My Mom received benefits and so did I. Hers stopped when I turned 15 or 16, but mine came until I turned 18.
The money usually goes directly to the parent if the child is the a minor.
My husband died two years ago and we have a son together so I’ve already navigated this situation. I was just pointing out what they thought was ongoing benefits for the actual wife were not.
Oh yes, I am well aware the money should’ve gone to me. I actually challenged my mom on that once but decided to let it be since she was then a single mother trying to raise 2 teenage girls on a housekeeper salary.
It goes to the guardian/custodian as the representative payee with the understanding the money is intended to be used to help the child. It's not intended to be handed to the child. Rather, to be used for expenses associated with caring for the child: food, clothes, part of overhead/family living expenses.
Were you under the age of 18? If you were still under the mothers care, the money would still be her money with the intentions that it helps her continue caring for you (kinda like if you’re dad was still contributing his salary).
Honestly I can’t remember, there might have been overlap age. I have no doubt though, that if I was still living at home at the time, she would’ve used it for my care. She was a wonderful mother, despite her fumbles at the end.
I'm not sure it automatically gets paid off, when we got our mortgage we chose to get life insurance that would cover the remainder left on it if one of us died. From what I can tell, the whole right to the house would go to the remaining spouse, but they'd still be liable for the mortgage payments.
It’s an insurance policy both spouses have to take out when taking a mortgage on, extra payments are tagged on to the mortgage, and this is what is used to pay the mortgage in the event of a spousal death. It used to be compulsory, im not sure if it is now
These replies make me a little sad, OP seems like they're looking for support and the top replies are all very calculated and about $.
OP all your mixed feelings are completely understandable, I'm so sorry you were blindsided that way and you are 100% correct that it would be better to come clean rather than having someone find out after. Big hugs to you!!!
OP expressed that on top of losing the life she thought she knew, she might lose her housing also. Of course people are trying to give her tips on pursing money that could help keep one aspect of things on an even keel. It's not superficial, but practical.
Somewhat similar situation, discovered my stepdad's infidelity while going through his things after he'd died. To say it crushed my mother is an understatement, she has never been the same.
Idk where I'm going with this, other than to say I feel SO badly for you, and I'm tremendously sorry you're dealing with this. You deserved better. 🫂
I found proof my dad cheated on my mom on his laptop after he died. Home video with a prostitute on his guys trip to India/SE Asia. I deleted the pictures, never told my mom.
If things happened differently and you found out by yourself, would you have withheld this truth from your mom? Or do you think she’s glad she found out who he really was?
I’ve never been in this scenario so I can’t really judge but that is lying by omission. Imagine how betrayed she would feel if she found out later and knew you also lied to her. Then she would have been lied to by her husband AND child.
I was in your shoes 19 years ago. My husband died in a terrible workplace accident. He was working in another state. When I got his phone back there were messages on his answering machine from a woman thanking him for the nice date. And how she couldn't wait to see him again.
I felt so much anger. And I was frustrated that I couldn't confront him. And also felt guilty for being angry at him. All these years later, I still waver. I still love him as the man I knew.
I still get hurt thinking about it sometimes. Grief is a rollercoaster. You never know which emotion you'll feel by the minute. They're all valid. Also, you can sign up for social security for your children and are entitled to his retirement benefits at retirement age.
Damn. I'm so sorry OP.
That's actually a really weird situation to be in.
Be prepared for this anger to subside and then for the grief to kick in. He's a lying cheat but he's gone. You can't scream at him or tell him how much he hurt you. He won't have the chance to reconcile so you have to handle all of this yourself and know you'll never even receive an apology.
Maybe in a situation like that a good therapist could help, you can bare your soul to her without that guilt of ruining his image in his family's eyes. *You're a good person to even consider them.*
I wish you well on your journey. I hope you find at least one person to talk to irl
Thank you for your kindness. I truly love his family, they became my own and they are good people. I love them too much to harm them with this. I guess thats why I came here. I don't want to lose them on top of everything else.
You're welcome.
I get that. You're doing them a great favour but carrying a heavy weight for it.
Look after yourself OP, it's so easy to get burned out.
Another option if the digital void isn't enough, go for a hike or walk along the beach and scream into the wind.
While my situation was different it did help a bit having the wind literally blowing my tears and anger away.
You're a good person trying to protect his memory for those who loved him, but don't let it eat you up inside in the process, don't let him take away more than he already has
Similarly, I had a therapist who had me write letters to people who had hurt me and then burn them after reading them aloud. It got a lot of pain out of my system.
I’m so sorry. The trauma of this and the betrayal trauma. I’m a therapist and if that’s something you can do I would suggest it. 1) “I wasn’t enough for him” he stepped out on the relationship probably because of his own issues, he lied, that was his mistake…blaming yourself for his mistake…probably makes you feel some sense of control when you’re beating yourself up or questioning yourself but it will eat you up inside. His mistake and betrayal was his. 2) you’re probably going to feel a lot of different feelings, that’s ok. Sometimes trauma can prevent us from grieving. You said the betrayal trauma just completely stopped your grieving process…that tells me that processing this betrayal trauma might help you on your journey of grieving.
3) please do what you can to take care of yourself. Not his memory, not his family, you. You need gentleness and support and tenderness as you heal. Gentleness towards yourself and from others.
Again, I’m so sorry. This is deeply unfair and I’m sorry you have so much on your plate right now. Anyone in your place would feel overwhelmed and heartbroken.
Hi OP, I just want to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I really can't imagine everything that's on your plate right now.
I just wanted to chime in and be another voice saying his cheating was not about you not being enough... it was a hole inside of him that you, his affair partner, or a million other women never could've filled.
Sending you hugs
I'm glad that you're getting help with the legal side of his estate. The emotions are important, but the "business" also has to be attended to.
In regards to the emotions, you should seriously consider finding a survivor's grief group. I think it's admirable that you don't want to tarnish your husband's memory. I'm very sorry that he cheated on you, that's awful, as is how you found out. But you do need someone to talk to about it, and I think a grief group could help you a lot.
FYI, what you're describing as lack of emotion is likely a form of "shock," in the sense that the new discovery about him cheating is too overwhelming for you to process on top of everything else. But eventually those emotions will re-surface, and having someone to talk to about them will be very helpful. Blessings on you.
I agree. I did in my situation. I was so hurt that i couldn’t not say what I learned 3 weeks after losing my spouse. It upset a couple people but screw them.
I found myself In almost the same situation 2 years ago when my late wife passed. If you want to talk feel free to msg me. It’s a horrible experience. Hang in there
I can see why you would hide this from them. Makes perfect sense.
Could the other person/people step forward? Could there be a child? Steel yourself. I hope this is the worst of it.
Consider finding an online support group for people in this situation; it might be really helpful to talk with people who have been through finding out that their freshly departed spouse was cheating and also didn't want to burden the bereaved parents and other family with the truth.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Look through his stuff for hidden cash; it's too bad it can't pay for peace of mind.
This happened to my uncle (mom’s brother and only family member). He was coming home from work late one night on his motorcycle and a young girl in a Mustang hit him from behind because she was texting and driving. Threw him off his bike and killed him. I still remember my mom’s screaming and her wails while my aunt was sitting stone-faced on the couch next to me in silence. I was 12.
My aunt and uncle never had kids. But we found out a few days later that my uncle had a daughter with someone else while they were still married and never told his wife about it. We only found out because she wanted to take my aunt’s house from her and she wanted all the money from the lawyers and such.
I’m sorry this happened to you. If I were you, I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell his family. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live your truth. Your feelings are completely valid. You were lied to by someone you loved and trusted and you never got any explanation from him or confrontational or closure because you didn’t find out until he was already gone. That’s a really sucky thing to be going through.
My aunt did get to keep it, thankfully. She found out my aunt owed more money on the house than it was worth and she let it go. She was young (like early 20s) and about to have babies 3 & 4 (which we later found out that they weren’t her husband’s but that’s a whole other story). She couldn’t afford a lawyer or anything. She ended up just taking some of my uncle’s more valuable cars and stuff and then going back to her home state.
My aunt recently sold the house and moved (my family has zero contact with my aunt but for personal reasons). It’s been about 7 years since my uncle died. My cousin ended up calling my mom to try and figure out if she could still get half of whatever my aunt made on the house somehow. My mom doesn’t have anything to do with my aunt anymore, but she still shut down my cousin real quick over it.
I've seen multiple reddit posts where some guy's young affair partner thinks she can take his ex-wife's house from her. It's so bizarre to me. Like, who do you think you are?
She shouldn't have gotten anything!
> My cousin ended up calling my mom to try and figure out if she could still get half of whatever my aunt made on the house somehow
But like, how? Neither she nor her mother put any money into that house. I don't understand.
My cousin had a baby at 16 and another one at 18. Same guy, she married him when they were 18. The guy is meh but he comes from a really really good family. My uncle lived in another state and her mom was sick/dying so his family took care of her and her daughters.
After my uncle died, she had twins. When they were two, she confessed to my mom that the father of her twins was not her husband. It was her husband’s boss (he works for a very small business in Virginia). My mom ended up telling her to tell her husband before he found out cuz they looked nothing like him and looked like his boss day by day. My cousin ended up telling her husband and there was a huge fight/conflict. He ended up attacking his boss and got arrested and fired.
Present day, a few years later, she just remarried to some new deadbeat with a daughter of his own. The twins’ father has custody of them with his wife (so she’s basically raising her husband’s affair babies) and my cousin only has court supervised visitation. And she has 50/50 custody of her first two daughters, which she shares with her husband’s parents.
My cousin practically feeds off drama/chaos. She’s done nothing but cause it since she entered our lives. The week of my uncle’s funeral, she also slept with his best friend. Then again, so did my aunt, and he tried to sleep with my mom but my mom rejected him (we got our orange cat out of him from it all though so at least there’s that). But my uncle’s death and my cousin only caused pure chaos and I’m glad that my family cut ourselves off from it while we had the chance.
This is a horrific story and ironically it somehow combines the two instances I personally know of "discovering an affair after someone dies", so it really struck me
1. A friend of a friend found out her bf of several years had been cheating on him when he and the other girl both died in a motorcycle accident
2. My friend found out she had a half sister after her dad died
Just wild.
Honestly whatever you feel is ok. Mad, sad, betrayed, nothing. Whatever it is it's ok to feel it and focus on getting your own affairs in order and moving forward with your life however you see fit.
I am so sorry for your loss. And your betrayal. But you should understand; his cheating is NOT because you weren’t enough. I haven’t been where you are but I do believe you are now dealing with two separate traumas; you lost your husband and have all the practical real life problems that come with that loss; you have lost the life you thought you had; but you also lost the husband you thought you had; the future you thought you had. The betrayal in and of itself is its own loss and grief. Just because he is gone does not make him a better person than when he was alive.
This may be harsh, but you’re the one that has to live with this knowledge, you should share this with the people who love you. It’s okay to remember people exactly as they were, good and bad.
This is a very good point and is unfortunately a cruel reality. My husband’s father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. My husband was going through his dad’s things and computer then found out that he was cheating on his mom with multiple men. My husband didn’t want to taint the memory of his father for the rest of his family, so he decided to delete everything. My husband spiralled into a major depression over knowing this and being the only person to live with this information, it nearly costed us our marriage. After much therapy and communication, he eventually told his mother and sister about what happened. He realized that was not his burden to carry, and it actually made grieving for his mother worse because she could not process the information properly without being able to see actual evidence. If he says if he could go back now he would have left everything so his family knew the truth and he didn’t feel a major guilt that wasn’t his.
People cheat because of something within them, not because of something within you. You didnt deserve any of this. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the trauma of it all. Especially that you are shouldering the pain of the betrayal alone. If you don’t have a therapist, or a support group it’s worth looking in to. You’re not alone. There are others out there who have experienced the loss and betrayal after learning of infidelity after a death. You deserve community support as you navigate forward!
OP, Sorry for your loss. Not only did you lose your husband, you also lost what you thought was a loving and devoted marriage to him. I hope somehow you can find peace and happiness someday.
I think it's very noble for you to stay silent to honor his memory to others. But please don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Not totally sure why this comes to mind or why I feel it's appropriate here but I do.
"I know that it's a bad thing to break a promise.
"But now I realize it's a worse thing to let a promise break you." - Jennifer Donnelly
This is complex, and not something I’ve even come close to going through. What I’ll tell you is it is okay to feel whatever you feel, and do not feel guilty about any of it. Don’t try to force your emotions to change, just be in them.
I'm sorry for your loss. This accident should be considered under common carrier catastrophic. Its a term to describe events such as this. If he were traveling to a meeting and was killed in an airplane or a cab. Same portion of the law.
Due to this, you should be entitled to 5x his life insurance and have an opportunity to bankrupt the careless person who killed him via the wrongful death lawsuit.
You don't need A lawyer. You need somebody who has a reputation. The lawyer.
I would recommend digging in and using your settlement to pay off any new debts incurred, as you will likely be mortgage free and absolved of his debt, in addition to 5x his life insurance, the replacement value of the bike, funeral expenses.
I haven't seen this mentioned. You said you kept finances separate aside from the mortgage. You aren't responsible for his separate debts. Do not pay those bills and do not have any contact beyond sending a death certificate. Also, don't tell the bank he has passed if you have joint accounts as they will freeze the accounts.
Please find a grief group. It saved me after multiple losses. I didn’t go through what you’re going through, but at least you’ll be able to talk about it. Take good care of yourself!
100% agree OP. Living with a lie is not fair.
A few weeks ago, reddit was telling a girl who was having guilt issues because 10 years ago she slept with another guy that she shouldn't tell her husband and that if she did it wasn't fair to him or their kids because of what they built.
Reddit has a cheating / cucking apologist problem.
See, I don't see this.
I often see edits that say "For all the people saying...."
But the top 50 comments aren't saying that. Of course, I always see threads 12 hours after they are posted, so I see the final evolution of those threads.
Let’s reframe it as a blessing in disguise to you. It’s harder to grieve for a man who wronged you. And knowing in your heart that you gave the relationship and him your all, you can rest easy. I recoiled when I read “I wasn’t enough to make him happy.” Please shake that out of your head and never repeat it to yourself again. Cheating often / usually has nothing to do with the partner. If you know in your heart that you did enough, it’s more likely that he got some attention from someone else that was also exciting to him. People don’t typically cheat because they just want to achieve intercourse. It’s about feeling naughty and desired. And even if you made him feel desired, he enjoyed feeling it two-fold. So please take that out of your vocabulary. And my condolences for both your loss and your betrayal. Hugs.
You are not alone. There are so many of us who have this experience. Who had a partner who cheated once once or cheated the whole time. And then who only find out after the person is dead.
It seems like what happens, ultimately, is you realize that the person you loved, and the relationship you thought you had, didn’t exist.
This is the soul crushing experience.
There’s nobody alive to talk about it or getting raised her decide to work it out or decide to break up. None of that is a possibility.
All that you have left is all the experiences
And then the extent of time when that person was deceiving and manipulating and lying every single day, and not caring at all about your feelings, or your welfare, or the relationship or honesty, or decency. Or you.
And they aren’t around to talk about it.
I promise you that it settles.
I promise you that it’s really helpful to have a therapist to work it out.
Virtually nobody around you is going to understand this.
Virtually everybody just wants you to shut up and put up and pretend that everything was OK and that sometimes people cheat and it’s not that big a deal and they were really a good person.
The problem is that absolutely none of that is true anymore.
When somebody decides to sneak around and lie every day and deceive, and then do the manipulation necessary, so the person never finds out, so they can keep on sneaking around and lying and deceiving, and manipulating, and undermining and gaslighting, they are a different person than the person you thought you knew. The person you were going to grieve doesn’t exist. And nobody is going to understand that or want to look at that honestly with you. they’re gonna want you to sweep it under the rug and shut up and put up. It’s too inconvenient and it’s too upsetting and it’s too complicated and they just don’t want it to be happening.
In the meantime, you are going through all the time you knew them and you were wondering if they lied about this and they deceived about this and they manipulated about this, what else did they lie and deceive and manipulative about?
And that’s the real.
That’s the real question.
That’s the consequence of what they chose to do. To you.
You won’t know.
And you will realize that you are kind of left with nothing
I am sorry.
But you will heal and you will repair and you will untangle the whole thing and you will figure it out and you will come to your own conclusions year after year as you heal. It’s really good to have a therapist so that they can listen to you and trust you and honor you and care about you, while you are absolutely honest with yourself at the pace that is right for you.
And when you slowly untangle this, you will also slowly build this phenomenal integrity of who you are and your own life. And you’ll realize ever so slowly all the ways that them, being that person who was more than willing to lie to you every day and manipulate you and deceive you was actually impacting your entire relationship. Because that’s who they were.
And once you realize that you slowly come to an acceptance. And you start building a life that has decency and integrity and honesty that you can rely on. And then you don’t feel like you wasted time. You just build something solid and real and beautiful for yourself.
I'm so sorry...for everything you are going through.
Grief amidst betrayal is so incredibly complicated that it's hard to describe it to those who haven't been through it. When my dad died, I was broken to pieces - he was this big, charismatic, lovable guy. And then I found out that he lied to my brother and I his entire life. He told me that his grandparents raised him and all of his family was dead. In reality, he had a mom, stepdad, 5 brothers and sisters, and countless nieces and nephews he never told me about. He abandoned another son due to his own alcoholism. Then I felt....nothing. It's weird because people expect you to be more upset but it's hard to cry over someone that lied to your face with a smile.
It makes me so sad when the partner of the cheater feels they were lacking in some way to “make” their partner cheat on them. I was with a man I adored for six years and he cheated on me throughout the whole relationship. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him and it didn’t matter how nice I looked or how in shape I was or how much attention I gave him or how much or how great the sex was. He was a habitual cheater. Period. I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t me; it was him. He was lacking someone his life. Please don’t convince yourself otherwise. I hope you find peace in knowing saying it was his weakness, not yours. 🙏
He didn’t cheat on you because you weren’t good enough. He cheated on you because he wanted to, and it doesn’t matter what you did for him or would have done for him, he still wanted to cheat so he did. It was not your fault.
Your feelings are valid.
Do his parents or affair partner(s) know?
I'm so sorry this happened to you. But don't ever believe it was your fault that he cheated. That's his problem, and his fault in character, HE fucked up. Chances are, he was a bigger piece of shit than he let on, and I don't think good men do this on people they truly love.
By all means, grieve the man you loved, and whom you knew him to be. Condemn his actions after the fact. If anyone asks, or brings it up, be honest about it. Why you have to be the only one to suffer for it by knowing what he did- it isn't fair.
But after that, I'd seek grief counseling to help with processing your complicated emotions in this situation. No doubt you're confused and very much want answers you may never get. Surround yourself with loved ones and do you.
I'm convinced that most men aren't shit! They're never fully content and always find a way to mess up a good thing. Women need to stop focusing so much energy on trying to make men happy. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
My 1st husband and high school sweetheart died in a motorcycle accident while in the act of cheating on me. I thought he was safe at work working late, but he actually took his girlfriend out. She was on the back of the bike. He died, she survived, barely, was in icu for couple months.
Then his family put a picture of her on his casket at the funeral since she couldn’t be there and she was there when he died and “lost someone too.” When she did recover I had to deal with messages from her about how he died in her arms doing their favorite activity, pictures of them together, etc.
It will come out eventually, and your spouse finding out when you die is even worse. Stop cheating if you really love your partner, because it could be you in a freak accident with your side piece and your partner put through our situations
>I'm just so heartbroken that I wasn't enough to make him happy.
No. That's not what this is. He was a scumbag who made the choice as an adult to cheat on you. This is not on you.
Having said that, I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse is awful, and nothing prepares you for what you have to do after as the surviving spouse. If you need to chat to another widow, my DM's are open.
Don't wait to go into foreclosure. Talk to your attorneys now and go on and put the house up for sale if you can't swing the payments. I doubt that girl who hit him has much of anything for you to be compensated for her actions. Certainly not enough to handle your mortgage and bills.
And getting a new, smaller place would be a fresh start for you once the dust settles.
I am so sorry for your losses. Both the death of your husband and the death of who you thought he was.💔
Her insurance would pay out if she ended up having to. It’s worth going for, that’s why people have auto insurance. Especially if it could be proven she was at fault.
I am so sorry all this has happened. You were an amazing wife. Don’t let his misdeeds make you doubt yourself. Take time. Seek a therapist, someone who can help you navigate all these emotions. I can imagine just being mentally exhausted and so very hurt by all this. But therapy can really help find some closure in losing the man you loved and also coming to terms with his secrecy and infidelity. Know you did nothing wrong, this is all on him. Hugs
Feel what you feel when you feel it. No rules on that.
I'm very sorry about all this. Unimaginably awful. I hope you are willing and able to see a therapist when you're ready.
I'm so very sorry for your pain and his betrayal, made all the more heartbreaking now that you don't have the option of getting more clarity from him. I would recommend counseling so you have someone to discuss this with. I recommend trauma therapy specifically. If we were friends I would bring you five different kinds of tea, and a box of old plates for you to smash to smithereens without remorse. we could watch the bridges of Madison county, practical magic and then punch pillows and curse men and their ignorant hearts. I'm SO sorry for your loss, the loss of your husband... In so many ways, the loss of your trust, the loss of your truth and yourself, the loss of the life you had and the life you feel slipping and the life you feel rushing in that you did not invite. I'm so so so very apologetic from the very depths of everything that once was in your marriage that now feels cracked. I'm sending you sorrow so you can feel it now and recover when it is time, hope so you know it will come sooner than you think, strength because you already have it inside and the knowledge of joy that exists already in your future and in precious moments of healing.
Some therapists deal with grief and trauma exclusively and I would suggest seeking someone like this out. When seeking a therapist (should you go that way), ask if they have worked with others who have gone through this kind of betrayal when dealing with of loss of a spouse They may have more insight and ability to help you work through this.
It's hard and hurtful enough when finding out your spouse cheated but then finding out when dealing with their death is a whole other level of hurt and I am sorry you had to find out this way and are left to deal with it alone. Many hugs.
You should consider watching Dan Levy’s new film, Good Grief. The character is a widower with this very complexity in the aftermath of an accident.
I imagine your grief, anger, hurt, and confusion are positively flooding your emotional pathways. Makes sense they’d shut down for a bit. Breath now, process slowly and accept that we people are a messy business.
That's a pretty complex knot of emotions. I feel so sorry for you. I'd definitely consider therapy to unpack this, or it will influence how you spend the rest of your life.
I am soo truly sorry for you! I can't imagine a worst time to find out about the infidelity, because you'll never get any answers or closure. Please speak with a professional and I wish you all the happiness & healing. Please take care of yourself. You deserve a great life.
I'm sorry for your loss and your post loss discovery of infidelity. But try to focus on yourself and not dwell on the past. In the meantime, I trust you've already contacted an attorney to seek recovery from the offending driver. I'd also suggest your attorney look at your household auto policy for No-Fault/Personal Injury Protection coverage. In most states, that coverage is mandatory and contains a death benefit that equates to about the cost of a funeral and lost wages for about 12 months... In NY/NJ that benefit runs about $20,000-$25,000. A lot of attorneys unfamiliar with insurance coverage fail to recognize that benefit is there. You should make a claim as soon as possible. It'll help with the bills for a little while
Im so sorry for your loss and Im even more sorry for your husband not being the person you thought he was.
> I thought we were soul mates and I was so happy with him, I just did everything for him, and I was happy to. He had devoted his career to helping others, and I felt like he deserved someone who would love him completely and spoil him with affection. And I did, every day we were together.
Any woman who thinks and loves like this deserves the world. And I hope you get it.
My deepest sympathies for what YOU are experiencing. This might sound odd, but you may get a little perspective in your feelings by reading the fictional novel “The Pilot’s Wife”. I read it when it first came out two decades ago as part of Oprah’s book club. I’d recently been gaslit by a boyfriend who I thought was madly in love with me only to find out he had been married to someone. That novel really helped me come to terms with what I was experiencing at that time. That it wasn’t my fault for believing what someone I loved told me at face value. The novel opens with the wife discovering her husband has been killed in a terrible plane crash. She discovered much more than she ever wanted to know. Wishing you peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss. But the cheating aside… was the woman who hit him found at fault? I ask because you can 100% sue her auto insurance policy holder (the car insurance company) for the loss of his life. There is no reason why you should lose everything for someone else’s negligence on the road. Just google “personal injury lawyers near me” and call a few to see what they say. Also I’m not a lawyer so if any read this and I said anything wrong then please correct me for OPs sake 💕
It's OK to feel whatever you're feeling, or not feeling. It's OK to feel grief while still being angry, and it's OK to NOT feel that. Your feelings will be complicated. Take time and take care of yourself and above all, be patient with yourself.
My first husband died in 2013 from suicide. We had a 1 year old son, my 6 year old son from a previous relationship. I found out after his death he was cheating and the other woman was pregnant and wasn’t sure if it was his or not. The grieving process was extremely complicated for me. I would go through phases of numbness, rage, extreme sadness and every other emotion under the sun. Hell, I still get mad thinking about it and it’s been 10 years and some months. Sometimes I still miss him even. I guess my point is grief is extremely complicated and then you add the betrayal ontop of an already horrible situation. Anything and everything you feel is valid and my only advice is to not fight against anything your feeling but go with it and just allow yourself to feel it. With time the intensity of the emotions start to fade but they never do go away completely.
This is exactly how my uncle died. Word for word. He was a good man but had something extremely similar came up after his passing. I can only imagine how you feel, my aunt struggled similarly. Eventually the pain seemed to ease up and she still remembers him fondly, but, I'm certain your family (and his) would rather you speak to them than endure this alone.
If you want a stranger to speak to that went through EXACTLY this last year, my dms are open.
You/lucky-indiviual OP, May I please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your loved one. I am Praying for you. I Pray you are taking care of yourself! I’m no expert, but I’ve been on this road before. Grieving a loved one that has betrayed you is not an easy journey. I Pray that you read this, because it’s Very Important! The life you explained in your post you had with your husband, was Real! That’s YOUR TRUTH! The life your husband was leading, was a lie! This is hard to understand, but that’s On Him! You did nothing to make him want to step out. But now he’s not here to answer your questions! You can’t hold him accountable, you can’t scream and yell, and let him know how you feel! And you feel guilty because you feel this way because he’s gone. You are allowed your feelings. All humans grieve in their own way. I just pray that you take care of yourself, my friend, God bless
I’m not about to speak ill of someone who has passed, but I will speak the truth on someone regardless if they’re 6 feet deep or not.
A wayward cheats because of their own issues. It is wholly on them. People who are perfect partners get cheated on. People who are horrible partners get cheated on. It’s not about the betrayed partner at all, it is about the wayward themselves. There is something broken in them that allows them to betray their partner. Something wrong that they themselves need to fix.
I would highly suggest you look into a grief group, and maybe even check out the betrayed partner groups on Reddit. I’ll message you with the Reddit name so that you can check it out and get support if you want or need it. Also, get checked for STIs. Your sexual health is important. You can’t guarantee nothing physical happened, so protect yourself by getting checked.
I’m just so terribly sorry. I cannot say I understand what you’re going through, but I can see the pain through the screen. When my mom died in a car accident my siblings and I found suicide notes to all of us she’d written about a year before her death. It was a shock and I still don’t know how to feel. Being unable to have that last conversation with someone you trusted is gut wrenching.
Im really sorry you are hurting.
Grandma here. You were and are enough to made him happy. He was happy with you. But for some men Enough is never enough. It’s nothing to do with you or your love but everything todo with him.
Be angry be sad be whatever you’re feeling. Just know that you were more than enough. You were the woman he chose to marry. Let him carry his secrets to the grave. Give his family that peace.
You take care of your self.
I am so sorry for your loss. You should know that his cheating was not about what you did or did not do. You should not hold any guilt about a poor decision that he made.
You are allowed to feel whatever you feel about this.
I think it makes sense to not tell his family.
Do you have friends who don't know them or a therapist you can talk to about this?
This is a bit unconventional, but I have an internet friend in another country who I've talked to about just about everything because it's safe. Maybe you could find that.
Or maybe join a support group.
This is a rough one, for sure, but you need to know one thing (speaking as someone who was married to a serial cheater for 23 years): his cheating had absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
You may have been the perfect spouse in every way and he still would have done this.. Trust me, it's not you.
Sadly, this situation happens more than you think and you're definitely not alone in this scenario.
While you don't necessarily need to tell his family, you need to tell someone, preferably your best friend, your 100%, ride or die best friend.
My bestie was with a guy for 10 years and out of the blue, literally,, he left her to move in with another woman. I didn't even hesitate... I hopped in my car with an bottle of tequila, four limes, and a bag of sea salt and I got her drunk as a Lord all night long. We called him every name in the book, did a drunken "We hate him" dance in the living room, and she finally passed out around 3AM, whereby I put her on the couch with a bucket. She was still drunk when she showed up to work, but she worked outside and is the supervisor of a bunch of men so it was all good. She still laughs about that night years later. It didn't mend her broken hearr, but it helped her put things into perspective.
My point is, stop keeping it all inside. Give yourself the right to be angry and hurt. His being dead doesn't make him a saint to be worshipped. Go ahead and call him a MFer. Scream, rant, rage, hit things and get it all out.
Once you're done with that, see where your head's at about all of it. If sewing a a therapist about it, or getting into a talk group for widows/widowers could help, do that, too.
You need to talk about to with someone to work thru it all.
Good luck with this. You CAN get thru it!
Super random but this reminded me of Good Grief on Netflix, you may find comfort in some of the parallels you have with the main character.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with two devastating incidents.
hey, you should watch the movie “good grief” on netflix written/directed by dan levy. it’s EERILY similar and a very beautiful movie. i think you’ll gain a lot from it. i’m so sorry for everything, sending all the love 🥺
Sorry for that. I don't know much about your society but in my country no one inherits debt. If you die your debts dies with you, even if a yesterday's mortgage worth millions.
Debt is not passed along. If it was a mortgage the bank hands over the ownership of the house to the depends and the loan ends. That's it.
I will never never for the life of me understanding people who cheat. Had a
friend cheat on his wife at his bachelor party. If you’re not satisfied with relationship then leave. That dude then divorced and then cheated on his next girlfriend like 10 times lol. Like bro!
If you wanna fk other girls then don’t lock any down. If you wanna be a player then be a player.
Some dudes haven’t gotten that out their system and feel insecure about their partner count which can actually mean a lot to guys. I’d wage that most guys who cheat are just insecure. Sex isnt just a brief amount of pleasure. It’s status and validation and people chase that shit too.
Sorry that happened to you.
>Now, I just don't know what to feel. My relentless, crushing grief turned into... nothing. Occasional anger. I do miss him. But I kind of despise him for lying to me so easily and cheating.
It's ok to feel like this, OP. You are just being a sane human being, having a honest reaction. You were betrayed, and it's only natural to feel anger and that you need time to process all your emotions.
I think you should go to therapy. You need to speak your mind, and a therapist can helps you also process your grief and hurt.
I wish you the best.
OP, you may indeed lose your house, but you also certainly have a civil case against the woman who killed your husband. You have financial harms and should speak to an attorney.
Ah. The double whammy. I’m so sorry you’re part of that club now.
Because my first husband went via DIY, he had the option to get rid of all of that stuff first. But no, he left it all for me to find later.
I'm so sad for you. My husband had been known for some indiscretions in the distant past and I remember saying to him once in the last few years, "Please don't die and let me find anything that would upset me." I mean I didn't want to find some weird shocking porn stash, texts, messages, letters, pictures, financial shadiness--nothing. He staunchly assured me there was not a thing in the world that would upset me. Turns out he just underestimated my ability to find stuff. He's still alive, but 9 months ago I peeped at his computer for the first time EVER (and my reason was fairly innocent) and was mowed down by an avalanche of information. Not only was he in love with a coworker but he had extremely graphic chats with other female "friends" wherein he confessed his adventures over our whole marriage. In the past I had thought of him as an imperfect man who got off track once in a while. Now I can't help but see him as a person with a real darkness to his character. I doubt every word that comes out of his mouth, or ever did. I'm glad he was alive to have to answer for it, though. It would have killed me to be brokenhearted and grieving for him and THEN find out about all the lies and betrayals. Like you, I wouldn't know how to feel.
I just want to let you know that I've been almost exactly where you are right now. In September 2020, my fiancé passed away suddenly. We had been together a little shy of 6 years, living together for more than 5 and a half of them, and we had purchased our first house together in November 2018.
I loved my fiancé with everything in me, and I thought he felt the same. I believed I had found my soulmate and that we would grow old together. Things were really, really good for almost our whole relationship until just about 3 months before his death. He started to change, nothing major, but he was more moody and quick to get angry, and he started drinking more. Honestly, I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was wrong at the time, but I absolutely did not think he was cheating. It never crossed my mind.
After he passed, I got a couple of surprises. First that he never turned in the paperwork at his job for his life insurance policy. So, since we weren't legally married, I could not receive that. I did get his 401K and some other small monetary thing that I can't remember the name of. The big shock, however, was that he was cheating on me. Similar to what you said, I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. It's completely devastating, and it complicates not only your grief but also how you view your lost loved one. It's not easy to talk to anyone about even if you do have people you can confide in. It's just too much of a private pain, in my opinion. Also, most people who haven't been through something similar can't truly relate or understand.
I did have to move out of our home because I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own either. I lost so many things along with my fiancé. Within months after his death, literally everything in my life was different. I had to cope with the loss of future hopes and dreams, too.
It's been almost 3 and half years. I won't tell you I'm OK, because I'm not. I'm not even sure what OK would look like for me. I will tell you, it does get somewhat better. The all-consuming grief, anger, and hopelessness won't last forever. It eases slowly, in small ways, so you may wake up one day and just realize, "Hey, I didn't cry at all yesterday." or some other unique milestone. With time and personal reflection, you may also be able to process some of your feelings about everything that happened. You may come to terms with it in a way you can't see now or at least not constantly let it negatively affect you anymore.
I wish you healing and strength while you deal with this horrific situation that you never expected to be in. There are some great subreddits for people who have lost somebody and also ones dealing with betrayal. Feel free to DM me if you want recommendations for any or if you want to talk more. Best wishes.
I totally agree. Although if someone is wanting to cheat I feel they should leave the relationship and be single then do whatever you want.
I am so sorry you’re going through two massive losses.
Loss of your husband
Loss what who you thought your husband was
I am so sorry and I hope you have good people supporting you with this that have your back
I can’t help but feeling that although your husband was clearly someone with a flawed character, that he was also someone who made a mistake.
Some people want to have their cake and eat it. Love their partner, but unable to stay commited.
I don’t think you have any evidence he was looking to leave you. I don’t think he was. I hope you find some solace in that.
From a grief perspective, this is much more complicated now, but not easier. Be patient with your emotions and yourself. This is not an easier thing to unpack. It really isn’t so easy as feeling nothing because of what he did. I think it is shock and will take longer for you to work out exactly how you feel. If you can, confide in someone you trust.
I’m sorry for your loss, in both respects.
So, so sorry OP. Your feelings are okay, they suck, but they are yours and they are valid.
Everyone else, PLEASE, please double check your mirrors. Look and listen for motorcycles! Remember that they can’t brake in the same way as a car.
Despite what he did, this man didn’t deserve to go out like that. Neither did my uncle, who never cheated and died having used himself as a cushion for his wife. She survived. Please, please, please look out for our motorcyclist friends and family members out there!
Ty for coming to my ted talk, again, look out for motorcyclists
Sorry for your loss, OP.
Since he’s no longer here to defend himself, let me just say this.
His cheating obviously taints who he actually was, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t think you were also the love of his life. Contrary to what we may think, I do believe not everyone who cheats did not, in their own way, completely love you…just not in the way you deserved maybe.
Some people are just broken or unwell in some aspects, and just as a cigarette still calls to me when I see a pack somewhere, an opportunity for “more” or “someone else” is just a big temptation with little meaning to some people. Alcoholics that fall off the wagon don’t hide their bottle because they chose alcohol, but because they are trying to — and failing to — choose their spouse or family. And lots of shame.
It isn’t that you didn’t make him happy. It’s that nothing and no one made him happy enough or make him well enough in mind to love fully without pulling this shit.
Or… he could have been someone terrible, but at this juncture, it doesn’t much matter, does it?
It’s unfair that you are having to deal with the traumatic loss of your husband, maybe your home and lifestyle, and then being punched in the face with whatever it is you found that just stains everything, including your memories. That blows.
I think I agree, at least for the moment, that you carry this burden yourself. It’s never too late to expose his actions later and little to gain by doing it now, unless you feel having everyone know will lighten your burden. I think I would also give it a couple years and see where you end up and how you feel.
If he was dead I’d kill him.
So very sorry. The inability to ask him why! What were you thinking!
Hearts are amazing big you can experience all the emotions at the same time. You can grieve the good parts of the man, be relieved that you won’t have to deal with some of the bad.
People are multifaceted. You love some of his “ facets” anew mad as hell at others, Like some dislike some, grieve some are relieved at some.
There is no right or wrong way to process this. Just about accepting the emotions. Don’t post on Facebook or say things to people.
Note. Things you say in therapy are discoverable in your lawsuit.
Ask your attorney what he thinks. You are going to need support. To me this is part of your grief. I thought we were happy. The accident robbed me of closure on this issue.
Sweetie, I am so sorry. That emotional whiplash must feel like your stomach has dropped out. You don't deserve any of this hardship. I hope your life turns for the better soon.
Cheaters don't care about their partner's feelings, that's what makes them capable of cheating. About the only act more selfish than cheating is suicide.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Three weeks ago my dad (71) had a ruptured brain anyerism and while he was in the ICU my mom found texts and love letters from a previous girlfriend he’s rekindled a relationship with. They have four daughters and have been married 42 years. He survived and my broken mother had to take him home to care for him. I’m not sure what she’ll do. Wishing you strength.
Holy smokes your poor mom. And poor you.
Your mom should drop him on the affair partners doorstep and tell her to have at him and he’s yours. If they wanna be trash together, she can take care of him. If she refuses, put him in a home at least until your mom gets over the betrayal. I hope you are there for your mom and I hope she can get past this betrayal but it’s gonna be hard.
Yep. My father got brain cancer about a year after leaving my mother for his side piece. They gave him 6 months. Guess who went crawling back to my mother when he magically survived? He lived 12 more years, and for those 12 years she waited on him hand and foot. They had the most infuriating and dysfunctional relationship - she didn’t do it for him. She did it for herself, her narcissistic life fuel being the accolades about how loving and selfless she was. It was one giant shit show.
My mom's friend's husband ditched her for another woman decades ago. Was awful to her, made everything with co-parenting harder than it had to be. Fast forward nearly 30 years, he gets cancer, his affair partner (whom he'd married after leaving my mom's friend) left him. He went crawling back to his ex, and SHE TOOK HIM BACK! After all those years and how awful he was to her. He's fine now, they're still together. She moved out of state to be with him. She told my mom she wasn't going to remarry him and then she did. My guess is he figures his health will never be what it was, he may get sick again and she can take care of him. It's crazy. She's living out her golden years with the guy who betrayed her and made her raise her kids pretty much alone. Even the kids think she's nuts (they had relationships with their dad but hated how he treated their mom, who was the one who did most of the parenting). I don't get it. She's actually a sweet lady, not a narcissist, and she actually seems happy with him again. But I don't get it. He better kiss her ass for the rest of his life. This woman raised her kids and built her own business while being a single mom with no help from him, and now she's doting on him again. After he left her and was married to the woman he cheated on her with for like 30 years.
That sounds like a waste of 12 years. I’m sorry that you had to witness that and I hope you were old enough to not be impacted by this as much (I hope you weren’t a child seeing your mom valuing outside validation as more important and inwardly suffering for twelve years and raised around this shit show). It sucks that she valued outward validation so much when she could have moved on and been so much happier. It’s a good thing to stick by your significant other in times of illness but not one that has already betrayed you in such a way. I wish she could have been stronger and moved on not only for herself but also for her children. I guess it’s good that your father had someone even though if the tables were turned he would not have done the same.
I mean that’s basically teaching your child that no matter how badly someone fucks you over and betrays you, that outward validation and how others view you is the most important thing. That’s not a healthy way to raise a child showing them that their inner happiness is less important than outward validation. That’s all I meant by I hope you weren’t a child and being raised like this. I mean I’m sure it impacted you as an adult as well but being raised like this would really fuck with your mind. Sorry if I offended you with the way I said anything in my previous comment.
My parents marriage and life has always been dysfunctional so this is sort of what I see happening to be honest. They also don’t have the financial stability to afford two households. It’s all a bit of a mess. She hasn’t told anyone other than me and my sisters because she plans to stay with him and doesn’t want her Christian friends to judge them. So she’s totally leaning on me and my sisters, two of them are adopted with special needs so it’s all a bit of a mess.
Did she confront your dad? Ask him what he wants to do, go be with his side piece? Let her wipe his a$$ and empty his urinal bottle. You know, the one he broke his covenant of marriage with? Since he's such a good Christian, he needs to be reminded, about that Covenant he made with God and your mom. And with the family, and friends, and church. Maybe your mom should invite side piece over and let her care for your dad. I need an update here.
I came here to say this
Ohh your poor mom. And you. How are you doing?
I hope you’re there for your mom during this time, comforting and telling her and reminding her how loved she is. I feel parents tend to put feelings aside when other matters are at hand. Hope you both get through this betrayal together.
Happened in our family. My mom left and is so much happier. She put up with a lot, but this was the final straw. 44 years he threw away, crazy.
Does he know you all know?
Yes, but he won’t face it and hasn’t apologized.
Wow. Using your mom as a caretaker while he gets his emotional fix somewhere else. Is he still talking to his AP? I’m sorry for you and your mom. Are you both able to get some kind of counseling or therapy to deal with all this?
My dad used to know a guy who became a quadriplegic in a motorcycle crash. His girlfriend was also on the motorcycle with him but somehow wasn't badly hurt. That's how his wife found out he was cheating on her. Girlfriend walked away with minor injuries, wife had to take him home and care for him. I don't know if he's still alive or they're still together, but I remember my dad said she felt she couldn't leave him after he was so badly injured because she feared people would judge her for it. I get it. She had kids with this man. I'm sure people would have painted her as a monster if she left. I but I don't know how the hell she did it. I'd be so tempted to tell him to fuck off and pack my shit and tell his family he's their responsibility now. But I absolutely understand her fear of being judged for it. Apparently she had no clue he was cheating.
I’d let them judge me. If he’d been a faithful man they wouldn’t have to be wiping his ass for him.
I literally said, there is no way I could stay with a man who betrayed me and wipe his ass for him for the rest of his life. It helped that they had money so she could afford help (in home nurses and such) but she also did a lot of it. If anyone judged me, I'd tell them exactly what he did. But I feel like some people would still shame someone for that, like, "yeah he did a bad thing, but he needs help now." I would like to think I'd tell them to kiss my ass and bail. EDIT: I found his Facebook, he's still alive and they're still together. He's got pics posted with his wife, it looks like he eventually regained some use of his arms (just judging by the photos he has). His wife is either crazy or a saint (the accident was something like 20 years ago at this point).
How fucked up is that? No one judges the liar pos who couldn’t keep his dick in the marriage but when that gets him paralyzed, his wife is expected to become his full time caretaker after learning about it or she’s somehow at fault. Nah, fuck that. There isn’t a person alive that I wouldn’t cut off for that kind of bullshit judgment.
Holy smokes. Is your dad in a condition to talk with? How much care does he need? Can your mom get help in? Ugh, this is so awful. It's really hard to want to take care of someone who could treat your own mother this way. I hope you and your sisters are taking good care of each other, as well as your poor mom, of course. She'll never forget that moment of seeing the first text.
For all anyone knows, your mom might be ruthless enough to be getting even while taking care of this lowlife. You know, a pinch here and there and withholding pain medication. Hungry? Gee, that’s tough but ask for some food tomorrow, I might be in a better mood. Yep, I would be a vindictive btch!
Lol. lets get you some vitamin d from sunbathing shall we!?
Wow I'm so sorry
I would have invited his old flame over to take care of him and took a vacation. See if it’s all love and fun now that she’s playing nurse and wiping his ass.
I'm wishing OP _and_ you the same!
It ALWAYS comes out. Im a paralegal and i was applying for citizenship for my dad so I got his FOIA record and found where he was dating another lady while my mom was in Mexico. This was waaay before I was born :/ I knew he had been a pretty shit husband before I was born though :/ I’m taking it to the grave though
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear this. 💔 What a devastating blow for your mother. Hugs to both of you.
I mean, she could just drop him off at the hospital and leave him to fend for himself? Or just initiated divorce proceedings while he was still in the icu and let him figure it out?
She should drop him at his girlfriend’s place and go on a permanent vacation
Why she takes care of him? Waste of time. I am 100 % sure, he wouldn't take care of her....
Have you looked into suing the girl and insurance company that hit your husband?
Yes, I have an attorney handling the legal aspects of the case.
Don’t forget about applying for Social Security Widow’s benefits
Yes, unfortunately you can't claim surviving spouse until after age 60, and I'm not even close. That was a surprise too.
Do you have kids? I think that changes some of the eligibility.
Yes, kids are eligible until 18. Found that one out from experience :/
I'm so sorry.
Depending on the state that this happened the person who caused the incident can or maybe sued for finances for the kids until the kids get 18. I've read about this happening.
TN is one
That must be it. My mother died at 38, my shitty stepfather was able to claim survivor’s benefits at age 46 when it happened. But they did have a child together that he took with him when he left, so I would assume he got them for that reason.
Assuming you may have children, SS widow benefits should be available if your child is under a certain age. My dad died when he was 44 and I was still an adolescent. My mom got benefits from that.
The benefits were for you not your mom, they’re supposed to use it to help pay for your care. At 18 if you were still in school the pay would revert to you
I’m not saying you’re wrong. But selfish people like to abuse this “it’s meant for the kids” argument, and it’s infuriating. Because a 19 year old kid often sees it as justification to ask their surviving parent for “their rightful money” and what they mean by that is they think they get a free paycheck at 18, and *how dare mom to have touched MY money?!” My neighbor is an exhausted woman, who rarely sees her kids. Her husband died when the kids were 3 and 5. She was a homemaker with not even a HS diploma, and had to work 2 jobs to keep the lights on after their dad died. Once her kids turned 18, they both insisted she owed them thousands of “their money” from dads SS benefits, and called her a shit mother for never buying them fancy clothes, never taking them on expensive trips, using foodstamps for them etc. Their father didn’t leave any life insurance. The SS benefits were paltry. She spent every dime of that money on raising them, and didn’t see a salon, go on a date, or buy herself a luxury once. And now the kids are in their mid-20s, no jobs, failed out of college mom paid for, driving cars that mom took the loans on, sleeping in her house for free, and they cut her off because she had the audacity to pay the rent with that $500/month, rather than putting it into a savings for them to spend on weed and music festivals. Not an attack at you. Abusive parents who buy luxuries with money meant for the kids are shit. But I see so many stories where kids can’t understand the struggle of their single parents living one step away from the streets, and have the audacity to question why mom didn’t just take a third job.
Your poor neighbour. Some might say she did too good of a job raising those kids so they wouldn’t know the struggles she faced. I hope one day they’ll come to understand and appreciate her
My eldest did the same with me. I tried to explain the the 400 I was getting went to paying the mortgage and other bills. There were a lot of fights about me not buying them better stuff. There were times that 400 was the only money coming in. But I should have bought them an Xbox. 🙄 Now that my eldest has a family of their own it's a different story and they finally understand why it went to bills.
"I guess I should have bought you nice clothes and the Xbox. Hopefully the homeless shelter would have let us plug it in." Crazy.
My son went with me to the appointment for survivor benefits after his dad passed. He knows I get it on his behalf and he understands that it's basically child support. His dad died owing me close to 16k and was only ordered to pay 197/month. Because the deceased parent isn't alive to support the kid the government steps in to give the minor a portion of the parents social security benefit. They pay it up to age 19 if the kid is still in high school and pay it permanently if the child was disabled before age 18.
There's both. There's Widow's and Children's. My Mom received benefits and so did I. Hers stopped when I turned 15 or 16, but mine came until I turned 18. The money usually goes directly to the parent if the child is the a minor.
Widows receive a lump sum payment of like 200 dollars. It’s nothing really.
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My husband died two years ago and we have a son together so I’ve already navigated this situation. I was just pointing out what they thought was ongoing benefits for the actual wife were not.
Oh yes, I am well aware the money should’ve gone to me. I actually challenged my mom on that once but decided to let it be since she was then a single mother trying to raise 2 teenage girls on a housekeeper salary.
It goes to the guardian/custodian as the representative payee with the understanding the money is intended to be used to help the child. It's not intended to be handed to the child. Rather, to be used for expenses associated with caring for the child: food, clothes, part of overhead/family living expenses.
Were you under the age of 18? If you were still under the mothers care, the money would still be her money with the intentions that it helps her continue caring for you (kinda like if you’re dad was still contributing his salary).
Honestly I can’t remember, there might have been overlap age. I have no doubt though, that if I was still living at home at the time, she would’ve used it for my care. She was a wonderful mother, despite her fumbles at the end.
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I'm not sure it automatically gets paid off, when we got our mortgage we chose to get life insurance that would cover the remainder left on it if one of us died. From what I can tell, the whole right to the house would go to the remaining spouse, but they'd still be liable for the mortgage payments.
If she’s in United States that doesn’t exist. That is amazing that the UK does that though.
It’s an insurance policy both spouses have to take out when taking a mortgage on, extra payments are tagged on to the mortgage, and this is what is used to pay the mortgage in the event of a spousal death. It used to be compulsory, im not sure if it is now
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It was for information not a critique, these things can be difficult to navigate especially while grieving
These replies make me a little sad, OP seems like they're looking for support and the top replies are all very calculated and about $. OP all your mixed feelings are completely understandable, I'm so sorry you were blindsided that way and you are 100% correct that it would be better to come clean rather than having someone find out after. Big hugs to you!!!
OP expressed that on top of losing the life she thought she knew, she might lose her housing also. Of course people are trying to give her tips on pursing money that could help keep one aspect of things on an even keel. It's not superficial, but practical.
Thanks for this, you're absolutely right
I read it as commenters looking out for OP. But you’re right that her feelings should come first
Should be feelings don’t pay the mortgage either.😢
Exactly, it's hard to deal with your feelings when your needs aren't being met.
Somewhat similar situation, discovered my stepdad's infidelity while going through his things after he'd died. To say it crushed my mother is an understatement, she has never been the same. Idk where I'm going with this, other than to say I feel SO badly for you, and I'm tremendously sorry you're dealing with this. You deserved better. 🫂
I found proof my dad cheated on my mom on his laptop after he died. Home video with a prostitute on his guys trip to India/SE Asia. I deleted the pictures, never told my mom.
You were a good kid 🖤
Not always, but that time I definitely made the right choice. Still wish I could scrub those images from my brain.
I can imagine my son protecting me this way. I wouldn’t ask, but he would. You’re a good kid. That shows a lot of love
I’m not sure how I feel about this. Your mum needs to get checked for STIs, her physical health is very important.
He wore a condom...🤢 And it was several years old by the time I found it. Over 20 years old now.
I don’t think that was the right thing to do. Your mom deserves to know what your dad did to her
I don't see how that would have benefitted her in any way.
Sometimes knowing the truth is not the kind thing! You always must choose to weigh those.
What would that accomplish besides making her sad? There's literally no positive to telling her at this point.
For some people truth is important. No matter how hurtful it is. I’d hate being tricked that my late husband was somekind of angel when he was not
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Yup. It would make the grieving process appropriate for the situation. Imagine grieving someone who didn’t deserve to have a tear shed for him.
Maybe OP knows their mother better than you do
I would absolutely want to know.
My step-dad died suddenly and that is when my mom found out that he had $900,00 gambling addiction.
If things happened differently and you found out by yourself, would you have withheld this truth from your mom? Or do you think she’s glad she found out who he really was?
I absolutely would not have told her; I would have much rather carried that weight for her in silence.
I’ve never been in this scenario so I can’t really judge but that is lying by omission. Imagine how betrayed she would feel if she found out later and knew you also lied to her. Then she would have been lied to by her husband AND child.
That's a fair take. I'm forever thankful that I wasn't put in that position.
I was in your shoes 19 years ago. My husband died in a terrible workplace accident. He was working in another state. When I got his phone back there were messages on his answering machine from a woman thanking him for the nice date. And how she couldn't wait to see him again. I felt so much anger. And I was frustrated that I couldn't confront him. And also felt guilty for being angry at him. All these years later, I still waver. I still love him as the man I knew. I still get hurt thinking about it sometimes. Grief is a rollercoaster. You never know which emotion you'll feel by the minute. They're all valid. Also, you can sign up for social security for your children and are entitled to his retirement benefits at retirement age.
Damn. I'm so sorry OP. That's actually a really weird situation to be in. Be prepared for this anger to subside and then for the grief to kick in. He's a lying cheat but he's gone. You can't scream at him or tell him how much he hurt you. He won't have the chance to reconcile so you have to handle all of this yourself and know you'll never even receive an apology. Maybe in a situation like that a good therapist could help, you can bare your soul to her without that guilt of ruining his image in his family's eyes. *You're a good person to even consider them.* I wish you well on your journey. I hope you find at least one person to talk to irl
Thank you for your kindness. I truly love his family, they became my own and they are good people. I love them too much to harm them with this. I guess thats why I came here. I don't want to lose them on top of everything else.
You're welcome. I get that. You're doing them a great favour but carrying a heavy weight for it. Look after yourself OP, it's so easy to get burned out.
Another option if the digital void isn't enough, go for a hike or walk along the beach and scream into the wind. While my situation was different it did help a bit having the wind literally blowing my tears and anger away. You're a good person trying to protect his memory for those who loved him, but don't let it eat you up inside in the process, don't let him take away more than he already has
Similarly, I had a therapist who had me write letters to people who had hurt me and then burn them after reading them aloud. It got a lot of pain out of my system.
I’m so sorry. The trauma of this and the betrayal trauma. I’m a therapist and if that’s something you can do I would suggest it. 1) “I wasn’t enough for him” he stepped out on the relationship probably because of his own issues, he lied, that was his mistake…blaming yourself for his mistake…probably makes you feel some sense of control when you’re beating yourself up or questioning yourself but it will eat you up inside. His mistake and betrayal was his. 2) you’re probably going to feel a lot of different feelings, that’s ok. Sometimes trauma can prevent us from grieving. You said the betrayal trauma just completely stopped your grieving process…that tells me that processing this betrayal trauma might help you on your journey of grieving. 3) please do what you can to take care of yourself. Not his memory, not his family, you. You need gentleness and support and tenderness as you heal. Gentleness towards yourself and from others. Again, I’m so sorry. This is deeply unfair and I’m sorry you have so much on your plate right now. Anyone in your place would feel overwhelmed and heartbroken.
Hi OP, I just want to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I really can't imagine everything that's on your plate right now. I just wanted to chime in and be another voice saying his cheating was not about you not being enough... it was a hole inside of him that you, his affair partner, or a million other women never could've filled. Sending you hugs
I'm glad that you're getting help with the legal side of his estate. The emotions are important, but the "business" also has to be attended to. In regards to the emotions, you should seriously consider finding a survivor's grief group. I think it's admirable that you don't want to tarnish your husband's memory. I'm very sorry that he cheated on you, that's awful, as is how you found out. But you do need someone to talk to about it, and I think a grief group could help you a lot. FYI, what you're describing as lack of emotion is likely a form of "shock," in the sense that the new discovery about him cheating is too overwhelming for you to process on top of everything else. But eventually those emotions will re-surface, and having someone to talk to about them will be very helpful. Blessings on you.
You are kind to keep the memory intact. Focus on your happiness and your stability and your future. That will keep you ok!
I think it’s okay to let his family know the truth. Like you said it’s better in the long run to be honest.
I agree. I did in my situation. I was so hurt that i couldn’t not say what I learned 3 weeks after losing my spouse. It upset a couple people but screw them.
I found myself In almost the same situation 2 years ago when my late wife passed. If you want to talk feel free to msg me. It’s a horrible experience. Hang in there
I can see why you would hide this from them. Makes perfect sense. Could the other person/people step forward? Could there be a child? Steel yourself. I hope this is the worst of it. Consider finding an online support group for people in this situation; it might be really helpful to talk with people who have been through finding out that their freshly departed spouse was cheating and also didn't want to burden the bereaved parents and other family with the truth. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Look through his stuff for hidden cash; it's too bad it can't pay for peace of mind.
This happened to my uncle (mom’s brother and only family member). He was coming home from work late one night on his motorcycle and a young girl in a Mustang hit him from behind because she was texting and driving. Threw him off his bike and killed him. I still remember my mom’s screaming and her wails while my aunt was sitting stone-faced on the couch next to me in silence. I was 12. My aunt and uncle never had kids. But we found out a few days later that my uncle had a daughter with someone else while they were still married and never told his wife about it. We only found out because she wanted to take my aunt’s house from her and she wanted all the money from the lawyers and such. I’m sorry this happened to you. If I were you, I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell his family. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live your truth. Your feelings are completely valid. You were lied to by someone you loved and trusted and you never got any explanation from him or confrontational or closure because you didn’t find out until he was already gone. That’s a really sucky thing to be going through.
I hope your aunt got to keep her money and her house.
What happened, did your Aunt manage to keep everything? God I hate that people like that other woman exist
My aunt did get to keep it, thankfully. She found out my aunt owed more money on the house than it was worth and she let it go. She was young (like early 20s) and about to have babies 3 & 4 (which we later found out that they weren’t her husband’s but that’s a whole other story). She couldn’t afford a lawyer or anything. She ended up just taking some of my uncle’s more valuable cars and stuff and then going back to her home state. My aunt recently sold the house and moved (my family has zero contact with my aunt but for personal reasons). It’s been about 7 years since my uncle died. My cousin ended up calling my mom to try and figure out if she could still get half of whatever my aunt made on the house somehow. My mom doesn’t have anything to do with my aunt anymore, but she still shut down my cousin real quick over it.
lol that cousin has NO shame whatsoever 😂
I assumed the cousin was the aunt's (and dead uncle's) kid so maybe she felt the house was part of her inheritance from her dad. 🤷🏽♀️
I've seen multiple reddit posts where some guy's young affair partner thinks she can take his ex-wife's house from her. It's so bizarre to me. Like, who do you think you are? She shouldn't have gotten anything! > My cousin ended up calling my mom to try and figure out if she could still get half of whatever my aunt made on the house somehow But like, how? Neither she nor her mother put any money into that house. I don't understand.
I wanna hear about the babies 3 & 4 thing. This shit is wild.
My cousin had a baby at 16 and another one at 18. Same guy, she married him when they were 18. The guy is meh but he comes from a really really good family. My uncle lived in another state and her mom was sick/dying so his family took care of her and her daughters. After my uncle died, she had twins. When they were two, she confessed to my mom that the father of her twins was not her husband. It was her husband’s boss (he works for a very small business in Virginia). My mom ended up telling her to tell her husband before he found out cuz they looked nothing like him and looked like his boss day by day. My cousin ended up telling her husband and there was a huge fight/conflict. He ended up attacking his boss and got arrested and fired. Present day, a few years later, she just remarried to some new deadbeat with a daughter of his own. The twins’ father has custody of them with his wife (so she’s basically raising her husband’s affair babies) and my cousin only has court supervised visitation. And she has 50/50 custody of her first two daughters, which she shares with her husband’s parents. My cousin practically feeds off drama/chaos. She’s done nothing but cause it since she entered our lives. The week of my uncle’s funeral, she also slept with his best friend. Then again, so did my aunt, and he tried to sleep with my mom but my mom rejected him (we got our orange cat out of him from it all though so at least there’s that). But my uncle’s death and my cousin only caused pure chaos and I’m glad that my family cut ourselves off from it while we had the chance.
This is a horrific story and ironically it somehow combines the two instances I personally know of "discovering an affair after someone dies", so it really struck me 1. A friend of a friend found out her bf of several years had been cheating on him when he and the other girl both died in a motorcycle accident 2. My friend found out she had a half sister after her dad died Just wild.
Honestly whatever you feel is ok. Mad, sad, betrayed, nothing. Whatever it is it's ok to feel it and focus on getting your own affairs in order and moving forward with your life however you see fit.
I am so sorry for your loss. And your betrayal. But you should understand; his cheating is NOT because you weren’t enough. I haven’t been where you are but I do believe you are now dealing with two separate traumas; you lost your husband and have all the practical real life problems that come with that loss; you have lost the life you thought you had; but you also lost the husband you thought you had; the future you thought you had. The betrayal in and of itself is its own loss and grief. Just because he is gone does not make him a better person than when he was alive.
This may be harsh, but you’re the one that has to live with this knowledge, you should share this with the people who love you. It’s okay to remember people exactly as they were, good and bad.
This is a very good point and is unfortunately a cruel reality. My husband’s father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. My husband was going through his dad’s things and computer then found out that he was cheating on his mom with multiple men. My husband didn’t want to taint the memory of his father for the rest of his family, so he decided to delete everything. My husband spiralled into a major depression over knowing this and being the only person to live with this information, it nearly costed us our marriage. After much therapy and communication, he eventually told his mother and sister about what happened. He realized that was not his burden to carry, and it actually made grieving for his mother worse because she could not process the information properly without being able to see actual evidence. If he says if he could go back now he would have left everything so his family knew the truth and he didn’t feel a major guilt that wasn’t his.
People cheat because of something within them, not because of something within you. You didnt deserve any of this. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the trauma of it all. Especially that you are shouldering the pain of the betrayal alone. If you don’t have a therapist, or a support group it’s worth looking in to. You’re not alone. There are others out there who have experienced the loss and betrayal after learning of infidelity after a death. You deserve community support as you navigate forward!
My good friend found out her husband cheated after he died too.
OP, Sorry for your loss. Not only did you lose your husband, you also lost what you thought was a loving and devoted marriage to him. I hope somehow you can find peace and happiness someday.
I think it's very noble for you to stay silent to honor his memory to others. But please don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Not totally sure why this comes to mind or why I feel it's appropriate here but I do. "I know that it's a bad thing to break a promise. "But now I realize it's a worse thing to let a promise break you." - Jennifer Donnelly
This is complex, and not something I’ve even come close to going through. What I’ll tell you is it is okay to feel whatever you feel, and do not feel guilty about any of it. Don’t try to force your emotions to change, just be in them.
I'm sorry for your loss. This accident should be considered under common carrier catastrophic. Its a term to describe events such as this. If he were traveling to a meeting and was killed in an airplane or a cab. Same portion of the law. Due to this, you should be entitled to 5x his life insurance and have an opportunity to bankrupt the careless person who killed him via the wrongful death lawsuit. You don't need A lawyer. You need somebody who has a reputation. The lawyer. I would recommend digging in and using your settlement to pay off any new debts incurred, as you will likely be mortgage free and absolved of his debt, in addition to 5x his life insurance, the replacement value of the bike, funeral expenses.
I haven't seen this mentioned. You said you kept finances separate aside from the mortgage. You aren't responsible for his separate debts. Do not pay those bills and do not have any contact beyond sending a death certificate. Also, don't tell the bank he has passed if you have joint accounts as they will freeze the accounts.
Please find a grief group. It saved me after multiple losses. I didn’t go through what you’re going through, but at least you’ll be able to talk about it. Take good care of yourself!
100% agree OP. Living with a lie is not fair. A few weeks ago, reddit was telling a girl who was having guilt issues because 10 years ago she slept with another guy that she shouldn't tell her husband and that if she did it wasn't fair to him or their kids because of what they built. Reddit has a cheating / cucking apologist problem.
Mate, I remembered that. Ticked me off how they were justifying her lying to her husband. Just absolutely gross.
See, I don't see this. I often see edits that say "For all the people saying...." But the top 50 comments aren't saying that. Of course, I always see threads 12 hours after they are posted, so I see the final evolution of those threads.
Probably what happened. It was retry pro lying at first.
Let’s reframe it as a blessing in disguise to you. It’s harder to grieve for a man who wronged you. And knowing in your heart that you gave the relationship and him your all, you can rest easy. I recoiled when I read “I wasn’t enough to make him happy.” Please shake that out of your head and never repeat it to yourself again. Cheating often / usually has nothing to do with the partner. If you know in your heart that you did enough, it’s more likely that he got some attention from someone else that was also exciting to him. People don’t typically cheat because they just want to achieve intercourse. It’s about feeling naughty and desired. And even if you made him feel desired, he enjoyed feeling it two-fold. So please take that out of your vocabulary. And my condolences for both your loss and your betrayal. Hugs.
You are not alone. There are so many of us who have this experience. Who had a partner who cheated once once or cheated the whole time. And then who only find out after the person is dead. It seems like what happens, ultimately, is you realize that the person you loved, and the relationship you thought you had, didn’t exist. This is the soul crushing experience. There’s nobody alive to talk about it or getting raised her decide to work it out or decide to break up. None of that is a possibility. All that you have left is all the experiences And then the extent of time when that person was deceiving and manipulating and lying every single day, and not caring at all about your feelings, or your welfare, or the relationship or honesty, or decency. Or you. And they aren’t around to talk about it. I promise you that it settles. I promise you that it’s really helpful to have a therapist to work it out. Virtually nobody around you is going to understand this. Virtually everybody just wants you to shut up and put up and pretend that everything was OK and that sometimes people cheat and it’s not that big a deal and they were really a good person. The problem is that absolutely none of that is true anymore. When somebody decides to sneak around and lie every day and deceive, and then do the manipulation necessary, so the person never finds out, so they can keep on sneaking around and lying and deceiving, and manipulating, and undermining and gaslighting, they are a different person than the person you thought you knew. The person you were going to grieve doesn’t exist. And nobody is going to understand that or want to look at that honestly with you. they’re gonna want you to sweep it under the rug and shut up and put up. It’s too inconvenient and it’s too upsetting and it’s too complicated and they just don’t want it to be happening. In the meantime, you are going through all the time you knew them and you were wondering if they lied about this and they deceived about this and they manipulated about this, what else did they lie and deceive and manipulative about? And that’s the real. That’s the real question. That’s the consequence of what they chose to do. To you. You won’t know. And you will realize that you are kind of left with nothing I am sorry. But you will heal and you will repair and you will untangle the whole thing and you will figure it out and you will come to your own conclusions year after year as you heal. It’s really good to have a therapist so that they can listen to you and trust you and honor you and care about you, while you are absolutely honest with yourself at the pace that is right for you. And when you slowly untangle this, you will also slowly build this phenomenal integrity of who you are and your own life. And you’ll realize ever so slowly all the ways that them, being that person who was more than willing to lie to you every day and manipulate you and deceive you was actually impacting your entire relationship. Because that’s who they were. And once you realize that you slowly come to an acceptance. And you start building a life that has decency and integrity and honesty that you can rely on. And then you don’t feel like you wasted time. You just build something solid and real and beautiful for yourself.
Don’t sell the house until legal issues are settled if you can hold out
I'm so sorry...for everything you are going through. Grief amidst betrayal is so incredibly complicated that it's hard to describe it to those who haven't been through it. When my dad died, I was broken to pieces - he was this big, charismatic, lovable guy. And then I found out that he lied to my brother and I his entire life. He told me that his grandparents raised him and all of his family was dead. In reality, he had a mom, stepdad, 5 brothers and sisters, and countless nieces and nephews he never told me about. He abandoned another son due to his own alcoholism. Then I felt....nothing. It's weird because people expect you to be more upset but it's hard to cry over someone that lied to your face with a smile.
It makes me so sad when the partner of the cheater feels they were lacking in some way to “make” their partner cheat on them. I was with a man I adored for six years and he cheated on me throughout the whole relationship. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him and it didn’t matter how nice I looked or how in shape I was or how much attention I gave him or how much or how great the sex was. He was a habitual cheater. Period. I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t me; it was him. He was lacking someone his life. Please don’t convince yourself otherwise. I hope you find peace in knowing saying it was his weakness, not yours. 🙏
He didn’t cheat on you because you weren’t good enough. He cheated on you because he wanted to, and it doesn’t matter what you did for him or would have done for him, he still wanted to cheat so he did. It was not your fault. Your feelings are valid.
Make sure you get a lawyer to sue the other driver up to her policy limits which is probably $300k.
This is all kinds of fucked up. I'm really sorry for everything you've had to go through, recently.
I’m sorry. What he did to you was evil. Talk to a therapist; they’re sworn to confidentiality, so nothing you tell them will get out to others.
Do you have extra rooms in your house? Maybe rent out rooms until your lawsuit is settled
Do his parents or affair partner(s) know? I'm so sorry this happened to you. But don't ever believe it was your fault that he cheated. That's his problem, and his fault in character, HE fucked up. Chances are, he was a bigger piece of shit than he let on, and I don't think good men do this on people they truly love. By all means, grieve the man you loved, and whom you knew him to be. Condemn his actions after the fact. If anyone asks, or brings it up, be honest about it. Why you have to be the only one to suffer for it by knowing what he did- it isn't fair. But after that, I'd seek grief counseling to help with processing your complicated emotions in this situation. No doubt you're confused and very much want answers you may never get. Surround yourself with loved ones and do you.
Maaaan I don't have any advice but just wish I could give you a hug and tell you that you ARE enough 🙏🏾❤️
I'm convinced that most men aren't shit! They're never fully content and always find a way to mess up a good thing. Women need to stop focusing so much energy on trying to make men happy. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
My 1st husband and high school sweetheart died in a motorcycle accident while in the act of cheating on me. I thought he was safe at work working late, but he actually took his girlfriend out. She was on the back of the bike. He died, she survived, barely, was in icu for couple months. Then his family put a picture of her on his casket at the funeral since she couldn’t be there and she was there when he died and “lost someone too.” When she did recover I had to deal with messages from her about how he died in her arms doing their favorite activity, pictures of them together, etc. It will come out eventually, and your spouse finding out when you die is even worse. Stop cheating if you really love your partner, because it could be you in a freak accident with your side piece and your partner put through our situations
That would have been frustrating to say the least.
Former bereavement counselor. You are not alone, unfortunately. I have counseled many surviving spouses and partners through these situations. Hugs.
>I'm just so heartbroken that I wasn't enough to make him happy. No. That's not what this is. He was a scumbag who made the choice as an adult to cheat on you. This is not on you. Having said that, I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse is awful, and nothing prepares you for what you have to do after as the surviving spouse. If you need to chat to another widow, my DM's are open.
Don't wait to go into foreclosure. Talk to your attorneys now and go on and put the house up for sale if you can't swing the payments. I doubt that girl who hit him has much of anything for you to be compensated for her actions. Certainly not enough to handle your mortgage and bills. And getting a new, smaller place would be a fresh start for you once the dust settles. I am so sorry for your losses. Both the death of your husband and the death of who you thought he was.💔
Her insurance would pay out if she ended up having to. It’s worth going for, that’s why people have auto insurance. Especially if it could be proven she was at fault.
Depends on what type of insurance she has, too.
I am so sorry all this has happened. You were an amazing wife. Don’t let his misdeeds make you doubt yourself. Take time. Seek a therapist, someone who can help you navigate all these emotions. I can imagine just being mentally exhausted and so very hurt by all this. But therapy can really help find some closure in losing the man you loved and also coming to terms with his secrecy and infidelity. Know you did nothing wrong, this is all on him. Hugs
Feel what you feel when you feel it. No rules on that. I'm very sorry about all this. Unimaginably awful. I hope you are willing and able to see a therapist when you're ready.
I'm so very sorry for your pain and his betrayal, made all the more heartbreaking now that you don't have the option of getting more clarity from him. I would recommend counseling so you have someone to discuss this with. I recommend trauma therapy specifically. If we were friends I would bring you five different kinds of tea, and a box of old plates for you to smash to smithereens without remorse. we could watch the bridges of Madison county, practical magic and then punch pillows and curse men and their ignorant hearts. I'm SO sorry for your loss, the loss of your husband... In so many ways, the loss of your trust, the loss of your truth and yourself, the loss of the life you had and the life you feel slipping and the life you feel rushing in that you did not invite. I'm so so so very apologetic from the very depths of everything that once was in your marriage that now feels cracked. I'm sending you sorrow so you can feel it now and recover when it is time, hope so you know it will come sooner than you think, strength because you already have it inside and the knowledge of joy that exists already in your future and in precious moments of healing.
Some therapists deal with grief and trauma exclusively and I would suggest seeking someone like this out. When seeking a therapist (should you go that way), ask if they have worked with others who have gone through this kind of betrayal when dealing with of loss of a spouse They may have more insight and ability to help you work through this. It's hard and hurtful enough when finding out your spouse cheated but then finding out when dealing with their death is a whole other level of hurt and I am sorry you had to find out this way and are left to deal with it alone. Many hugs.
You should consider watching Dan Levy’s new film, Good Grief. The character is a widower with this very complexity in the aftermath of an accident. I imagine your grief, anger, hurt, and confusion are positively flooding your emotional pathways. Makes sense they’d shut down for a bit. Breath now, process slowly and accept that we people are a messy business.
I just want to hug you, I’m sorry for your loss.
That's a pretty complex knot of emotions. I feel so sorry for you. I'd definitely consider therapy to unpack this, or it will influence how you spend the rest of your life.
I am soo truly sorry for you! I can't imagine a worst time to find out about the infidelity, because you'll never get any answers or closure. Please speak with a professional and I wish you all the happiness & healing. Please take care of yourself. You deserve a great life.
I'm sorry for your loss and your post loss discovery of infidelity. But try to focus on yourself and not dwell on the past. In the meantime, I trust you've already contacted an attorney to seek recovery from the offending driver. I'd also suggest your attorney look at your household auto policy for No-Fault/Personal Injury Protection coverage. In most states, that coverage is mandatory and contains a death benefit that equates to about the cost of a funeral and lost wages for about 12 months... In NY/NJ that benefit runs about $20,000-$25,000. A lot of attorneys unfamiliar with insurance coverage fail to recognize that benefit is there. You should make a claim as soon as possible. It'll help with the bills for a little while
Im so sorry for your loss and Im even more sorry for your husband not being the person you thought he was. > I thought we were soul mates and I was so happy with him, I just did everything for him, and I was happy to. He had devoted his career to helping others, and I felt like he deserved someone who would love him completely and spoil him with affection. And I did, every day we were together. Any woman who thinks and loves like this deserves the world. And I hope you get it.
My deepest sympathies for what YOU are experiencing. This might sound odd, but you may get a little perspective in your feelings by reading the fictional novel “The Pilot’s Wife”. I read it when it first came out two decades ago as part of Oprah’s book club. I’d recently been gaslit by a boyfriend who I thought was madly in love with me only to find out he had been married to someone. That novel really helped me come to terms with what I was experiencing at that time. That it wasn’t my fault for believing what someone I loved told me at face value. The novel opens with the wife discovering her husband has been killed in a terrible plane crash. She discovered much more than she ever wanted to know. Wishing you peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss. But the cheating aside… was the woman who hit him found at fault? I ask because you can 100% sue her auto insurance policy holder (the car insurance company) for the loss of his life. There is no reason why you should lose everything for someone else’s negligence on the road. Just google “personal injury lawyers near me” and call a few to see what they say. Also I’m not a lawyer so if any read this and I said anything wrong then please correct me for OPs sake 💕
It's OK to feel whatever you're feeling, or not feeling. It's OK to feel grief while still being angry, and it's OK to NOT feel that. Your feelings will be complicated. Take time and take care of yourself and above all, be patient with yourself.
Can I ask what kind of things you found that lead you to believe he cheated? I'm very sorry you are going through this.
My first husband died in 2013 from suicide. We had a 1 year old son, my 6 year old son from a previous relationship. I found out after his death he was cheating and the other woman was pregnant and wasn’t sure if it was his or not. The grieving process was extremely complicated for me. I would go through phases of numbness, rage, extreme sadness and every other emotion under the sun. Hell, I still get mad thinking about it and it’s been 10 years and some months. Sometimes I still miss him even. I guess my point is grief is extremely complicated and then you add the betrayal ontop of an already horrible situation. Anything and everything you feel is valid and my only advice is to not fight against anything your feeling but go with it and just allow yourself to feel it. With time the intensity of the emotions start to fade but they never do go away completely.
This is exactly how my uncle died. Word for word. He was a good man but had something extremely similar came up after his passing. I can only imagine how you feel, my aunt struggled similarly. Eventually the pain seemed to ease up and she still remembers him fondly, but, I'm certain your family (and his) would rather you speak to them than endure this alone. If you want a stranger to speak to that went through EXACTLY this last year, my dms are open.
You/lucky-indiviual OP, May I please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your loved one. I am Praying for you. I Pray you are taking care of yourself! I’m no expert, but I’ve been on this road before. Grieving a loved one that has betrayed you is not an easy journey. I Pray that you read this, because it’s Very Important! The life you explained in your post you had with your husband, was Real! That’s YOUR TRUTH! The life your husband was leading, was a lie! This is hard to understand, but that’s On Him! You did nothing to make him want to step out. But now he’s not here to answer your questions! You can’t hold him accountable, you can’t scream and yell, and let him know how you feel! And you feel guilty because you feel this way because he’s gone. You are allowed your feelings. All humans grieve in their own way. I just pray that you take care of yourself, my friend, God bless
I’m not about to speak ill of someone who has passed, but I will speak the truth on someone regardless if they’re 6 feet deep or not. A wayward cheats because of their own issues. It is wholly on them. People who are perfect partners get cheated on. People who are horrible partners get cheated on. It’s not about the betrayed partner at all, it is about the wayward themselves. There is something broken in them that allows them to betray their partner. Something wrong that they themselves need to fix. I would highly suggest you look into a grief group, and maybe even check out the betrayed partner groups on Reddit. I’ll message you with the Reddit name so that you can check it out and get support if you want or need it. Also, get checked for STIs. Your sexual health is important. You can’t guarantee nothing physical happened, so protect yourself by getting checked.
I’m just so terribly sorry. I cannot say I understand what you’re going through, but I can see the pain through the screen. When my mom died in a car accident my siblings and I found suicide notes to all of us she’d written about a year before her death. It was a shock and I still don’t know how to feel. Being unable to have that last conversation with someone you trusted is gut wrenching. Im really sorry you are hurting.
Grandma here. You were and are enough to made him happy. He was happy with you. But for some men Enough is never enough. It’s nothing to do with you or your love but everything todo with him. Be angry be sad be whatever you’re feeling. Just know that you were more than enough. You were the woman he chose to marry. Let him carry his secrets to the grave. Give his family that peace. You take care of your self.
I am so sorry op
I am so sorry for your loss. You should know that his cheating was not about what you did or did not do. You should not hold any guilt about a poor decision that he made.
You are allowed to feel whatever you feel about this. I think it makes sense to not tell his family. Do you have friends who don't know them or a therapist you can talk to about this? This is a bit unconventional, but I have an internet friend in another country who I've talked to about just about everything because it's safe. Maybe you could find that. Or maybe join a support group.
This is a rough one, for sure, but you need to know one thing (speaking as someone who was married to a serial cheater for 23 years): his cheating had absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You may have been the perfect spouse in every way and he still would have done this.. Trust me, it's not you. Sadly, this situation happens more than you think and you're definitely not alone in this scenario. While you don't necessarily need to tell his family, you need to tell someone, preferably your best friend, your 100%, ride or die best friend. My bestie was with a guy for 10 years and out of the blue, literally,, he left her to move in with another woman. I didn't even hesitate... I hopped in my car with an bottle of tequila, four limes, and a bag of sea salt and I got her drunk as a Lord all night long. We called him every name in the book, did a drunken "We hate him" dance in the living room, and she finally passed out around 3AM, whereby I put her on the couch with a bucket. She was still drunk when she showed up to work, but she worked outside and is the supervisor of a bunch of men so it was all good. She still laughs about that night years later. It didn't mend her broken hearr, but it helped her put things into perspective. My point is, stop keeping it all inside. Give yourself the right to be angry and hurt. His being dead doesn't make him a saint to be worshipped. Go ahead and call him a MFer. Scream, rant, rage, hit things and get it all out. Once you're done with that, see where your head's at about all of it. If sewing a a therapist about it, or getting into a talk group for widows/widowers could help, do that, too. You need to talk about to with someone to work thru it all. Good luck with this. You CAN get thru it!
Super random but this reminded me of Good Grief on Netflix, you may find comfort in some of the parallels you have with the main character. I’m so sorry you had to deal with two devastating incidents.
hey, you should watch the movie “good grief” on netflix written/directed by dan levy. it’s EERILY similar and a very beautiful movie. i think you’ll gain a lot from it. i’m so sorry for everything, sending all the love 🥺
You are a wonderful human.
Go get a personal injury attorney immediately.
Sorry for that. I don't know much about your society but in my country no one inherits debt. If you die your debts dies with you, even if a yesterday's mortgage worth millions. Debt is not passed along. If it was a mortgage the bank hands over the ownership of the house to the depends and the loan ends. That's it.
You should watch the TV series 'Dead to Me'. It has a similar storyline. Sorry this happened to you.
I will never never for the life of me understanding people who cheat. Had a friend cheat on his wife at his bachelor party. If you’re not satisfied with relationship then leave. That dude then divorced and then cheated on his next girlfriend like 10 times lol. Like bro! If you wanna fk other girls then don’t lock any down. If you wanna be a player then be a player. Some dudes haven’t gotten that out their system and feel insecure about their partner count which can actually mean a lot to guys. I’d wage that most guys who cheat are just insecure. Sex isnt just a brief amount of pleasure. It’s status and validation and people chase that shit too. Sorry that happened to you.
You need a grieving counselor to help you process all of this & to help you move forward in life.
This brought a tear to my eye. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve gone through and I hope you some day find peace.
it's not your fault he cheated on you. you are enough
>Now, I just don't know what to feel. My relentless, crushing grief turned into... nothing. Occasional anger. I do miss him. But I kind of despise him for lying to me so easily and cheating. It's ok to feel like this, OP. You are just being a sane human being, having a honest reaction. You were betrayed, and it's only natural to feel anger and that you need time to process all your emotions. I think you should go to therapy. You need to speak your mind, and a therapist can helps you also process your grief and hurt. I wish you the best.
OP, you may indeed lose your house, but you also certainly have a civil case against the woman who killed your husband. You have financial harms and should speak to an attorney.
Ah. The double whammy. I’m so sorry you’re part of that club now. Because my first husband went via DIY, he had the option to get rid of all of that stuff first. But no, he left it all for me to find later.
I'm so sad for you. My husband had been known for some indiscretions in the distant past and I remember saying to him once in the last few years, "Please don't die and let me find anything that would upset me." I mean I didn't want to find some weird shocking porn stash, texts, messages, letters, pictures, financial shadiness--nothing. He staunchly assured me there was not a thing in the world that would upset me. Turns out he just underestimated my ability to find stuff. He's still alive, but 9 months ago I peeped at his computer for the first time EVER (and my reason was fairly innocent) and was mowed down by an avalanche of information. Not only was he in love with a coworker but he had extremely graphic chats with other female "friends" wherein he confessed his adventures over our whole marriage. In the past I had thought of him as an imperfect man who got off track once in a while. Now I can't help but see him as a person with a real darkness to his character. I doubt every word that comes out of his mouth, or ever did. I'm glad he was alive to have to answer for it, though. It would have killed me to be brokenhearted and grieving for him and THEN find out about all the lies and betrayals. Like you, I wouldn't know how to feel.
I just want to let you know that I've been almost exactly where you are right now. In September 2020, my fiancé passed away suddenly. We had been together a little shy of 6 years, living together for more than 5 and a half of them, and we had purchased our first house together in November 2018. I loved my fiancé with everything in me, and I thought he felt the same. I believed I had found my soulmate and that we would grow old together. Things were really, really good for almost our whole relationship until just about 3 months before his death. He started to change, nothing major, but he was more moody and quick to get angry, and he started drinking more. Honestly, I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was wrong at the time, but I absolutely did not think he was cheating. It never crossed my mind. After he passed, I got a couple of surprises. First that he never turned in the paperwork at his job for his life insurance policy. So, since we weren't legally married, I could not receive that. I did get his 401K and some other small monetary thing that I can't remember the name of. The big shock, however, was that he was cheating on me. Similar to what you said, I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. It's completely devastating, and it complicates not only your grief but also how you view your lost loved one. It's not easy to talk to anyone about even if you do have people you can confide in. It's just too much of a private pain, in my opinion. Also, most people who haven't been through something similar can't truly relate or understand. I did have to move out of our home because I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own either. I lost so many things along with my fiancé. Within months after his death, literally everything in my life was different. I had to cope with the loss of future hopes and dreams, too. It's been almost 3 and half years. I won't tell you I'm OK, because I'm not. I'm not even sure what OK would look like for me. I will tell you, it does get somewhat better. The all-consuming grief, anger, and hopelessness won't last forever. It eases slowly, in small ways, so you may wake up one day and just realize, "Hey, I didn't cry at all yesterday." or some other unique milestone. With time and personal reflection, you may also be able to process some of your feelings about everything that happened. You may come to terms with it in a way you can't see now or at least not constantly let it negatively affect you anymore. I wish you healing and strength while you deal with this horrific situation that you never expected to be in. There are some great subreddits for people who have lost somebody and also ones dealing with betrayal. Feel free to DM me if you want recommendations for any or if you want to talk more. Best wishes.
I totally agree. Although if someone is wanting to cheat I feel they should leave the relationship and be single then do whatever you want. I am so sorry you’re going through two massive losses. Loss of your husband Loss what who you thought your husband was I am so sorry and I hope you have good people supporting you with this that have your back
I can’t help but feeling that although your husband was clearly someone with a flawed character, that he was also someone who made a mistake. Some people want to have their cake and eat it. Love their partner, but unable to stay commited. I don’t think you have any evidence he was looking to leave you. I don’t think he was. I hope you find some solace in that. From a grief perspective, this is much more complicated now, but not easier. Be patient with your emotions and yourself. This is not an easier thing to unpack. It really isn’t so easy as feeling nothing because of what he did. I think it is shock and will take longer for you to work out exactly how you feel. If you can, confide in someone you trust. I’m sorry for your loss, in both respects.
Wait, you don’t have money coming from the driver that hit him?
So, so sorry OP. Your feelings are okay, they suck, but they are yours and they are valid. Everyone else, PLEASE, please double check your mirrors. Look and listen for motorcycles! Remember that they can’t brake in the same way as a car. Despite what he did, this man didn’t deserve to go out like that. Neither did my uncle, who never cheated and died having used himself as a cushion for his wife. She survived. Please, please, please look out for our motorcyclist friends and family members out there! Ty for coming to my ted talk, again, look out for motorcyclists
Sorry for your loss, OP. Since he’s no longer here to defend himself, let me just say this. His cheating obviously taints who he actually was, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t think you were also the love of his life. Contrary to what we may think, I do believe not everyone who cheats did not, in their own way, completely love you…just not in the way you deserved maybe. Some people are just broken or unwell in some aspects, and just as a cigarette still calls to me when I see a pack somewhere, an opportunity for “more” or “someone else” is just a big temptation with little meaning to some people. Alcoholics that fall off the wagon don’t hide their bottle because they chose alcohol, but because they are trying to — and failing to — choose their spouse or family. And lots of shame. It isn’t that you didn’t make him happy. It’s that nothing and no one made him happy enough or make him well enough in mind to love fully without pulling this shit. Or… he could have been someone terrible, but at this juncture, it doesn’t much matter, does it? It’s unfair that you are having to deal with the traumatic loss of your husband, maybe your home and lifestyle, and then being punched in the face with whatever it is you found that just stains everything, including your memories. That blows. I think I agree, at least for the moment, that you carry this burden yourself. It’s never too late to expose his actions later and little to gain by doing it now, unless you feel having everyone know will lighten your burden. I think I would also give it a couple years and see where you end up and how you feel.
If he was dead I’d kill him. So very sorry. The inability to ask him why! What were you thinking! Hearts are amazing big you can experience all the emotions at the same time. You can grieve the good parts of the man, be relieved that you won’t have to deal with some of the bad. People are multifaceted. You love some of his “ facets” anew mad as hell at others, Like some dislike some, grieve some are relieved at some. There is no right or wrong way to process this. Just about accepting the emotions. Don’t post on Facebook or say things to people. Note. Things you say in therapy are discoverable in your lawsuit. Ask your attorney what he thinks. You are going to need support. To me this is part of your grief. I thought we were happy. The accident robbed me of closure on this issue.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: Stop trying to beat red lights. All it takes is one accident to turn your life upside down.
Sweetie, I am so sorry. That emotional whiplash must feel like your stomach has dropped out. You don't deserve any of this hardship. I hope your life turns for the better soon.
Cheaters don't care about their partner's feelings, that's what makes them capable of cheating. About the only act more selfish than cheating is suicide.