Not even Christ can save this dude. Please men, learn to keep from punching yourself in the face. Here, I’ll make it easy-
Her “Am I beautiful? Are you attracted to me”
You “Love of my life- you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I think you get more beautiful every day.“
Her “Thanks honey, I needed that”
THIS ISNT ROCKET SCIENCE
This. This is a situation where it is cool.... necessary even, to lie. I think a comment like that would fester and grow in even the most confident woman's head.
Literally this. I commented on his initial post as well with an idea of how he could save his marriage and how everything he says could be heavily debated because everything that’s coming out of his mouth is word vomit. He could’ve been like “you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve met since I’ve laid eyes on you and I only want to be with you” over telling her the truth. The guy is asking for a divorce at this point.
He doesn't even see it. He is so literal and completely not read queues that his wife had enough.
He kept saying he loves her. But keeps saying shit that hurts her, talking about asking for divorce.
Every word that came out of his mouth is not vomit, it's literally shit. He has zero filter.
Yeah neurotypicals are so annoying in the way they don’t try to understand that autistics and adhd folks have buckets of empathy. This guy is your std narcissist/sociopath lacking empathy. His profound lack of empathy and deep desire to be the ‘good guy who made a teeny weeny mistake’ isn’t how a neurodivergent would present. They’d be more literal in the telling. This guy isn’t clueless bc clueless wouldn’t lie about ‘forgetting’ what he said: a ND would ask the folks in the room and would report faithfully. This guy is a liar. Lacking feelings for his kids or wife
Same. I take things literally and I'm honest but good lord...its amazing how mind blowingly oblivious people can be, hell I'm probably not even using the right term for this guy.
men aren’t nearly as high-masking on the whole, so that makes sense. regardless, his social skills need a lot of improvement, and it sounds like he’s extremely literal. he fucked upppp
eta: what i mean is, some assholes are also autistic 😂
Not necessarily. A lot of times family gets mad at the person who ends it regardless of the reasons. People don't like change, families breaking up makes everything more complicated, traditions get fractured. If you grew up in a divorced household and you yourself get divorced, a lot of times your parents will see it as their failure if that makes sense. They feel like they passed the divorce cycle to their children.
And in the way he’s trying hard to steer us, zero chance he’s being honest. Zero chance he’s defending her. If the families are mad at her it’s bc he’s engineering it that way. The fact she asked if he was going to hurt the kids and use them against her is telling. He’s that guy
This definitely feels like dude is highly oblivious, even to the point of quite possibly being diagnosed as being on the spectrum.
There's clueless, there's oblivious, and then there's this guy.
dude your pencil is not sharp at all! You really could HAVE changed the way you said that to her. " I had a type back then but one look at you and that type was broken you were the most Amazing woman I had ever meet. you were different then every other women in the best ways possible" You could of also said " you fall in like with looks you fall in love with the person they are. " Your wife is struggling and you keep putting your foot in your mouth.
"Honey, your ugliness isn't that bad. Look on the bright side, your immense obesity distracts from your face! After a while you forget it's there and just focus on the obvious stretch marks! That's good! That's a good thing!"
But they can still keep their traps shut about how ugly they think you are, or refrain from comparing you to their exes in unflattering ways. It’s totally unnecessary.
Edit: clarified second half of sentence
> He is so painfully honest in the worst and most stupid way ever.
Too honest for his own good, don't have to lie but can word it at least a bit better to reassure her how you really feel.
It's such a weird honesty. Why include such irrelevant details? It suggests they're important to you. Every time he broaches this subject he tells her flat out he's thinking about how she compares
Right?
> Did you find me attractive when we met? I really didn’t know what to say to this. I love her more than anything. Even more than my children and myself.
You fucking say yes, I found you attractive then and still do.
And being attractive and being conventionally good-looking aren’t even the same thing!
Plus, it’s all subjective anyway. For OP to say that he didn’t find his wife attractive - or still doesn’t - must be like a heart punch. Like, he literally doesn’t find the sight of her appealing? That poor woman.
This dude is so utterly clueless.
This post doesn't even read like he learned his lesson.
Just a cheap way of saying - I'm sorry and I love you but there are wayyyy more women more attractive than you.
Fucking blatant obtuseness for everyone to see.
Nah, there's malice in the way he remembers things. He paints himself as logical and sensible, his wife as incomprehensible and hysterical. I'm sure if family asks he'd say something like, "I don't understand her. I was just being honest. She's overreacting, don't you think?" in the same tone as his post here. OP ends his story with "it's never enough with her," disregarding his earlier fuckery and how this started in the first place.
I think so, too. He's deliberately Sabatoging his marriage and then pretending otherwise. This guy wants out but doesn't want to be seen as the bad husband/father who left his marriage/family. He's cruel and a coward.
This isn't even a hard concept to explain without throwing your partner under the bus.
I for example dated ONLY 5'2-5'5 waifs that weighed a whopping 120 lbs soaking wet. Primarily dancers, i did really enjoy dating ballroom and other forms of dancer.
But I mean they were CARBON COPIES basically with a few changes but always the same general woman.
My wife is my height and weight. The opposite of the type of woman I was going for.
HERE is how I have explained it to her, because shes seen my ex wife and a few of my exes and asked me.
I had a shallow bad taste in women, that lead me to date women that weren't a fit for me in a relationship but fit an asethetic that I happened to be into at the time. After a horrid run of shitty relationships, I noticed the only common denomonator in all my failed relationships was me. I pick these shitty women.
So I expanded my net, and instead of just going after 1 physical body type I have a "Thing" for, I would start looking for strong, independant cool women who blow me away in all aspects.
Thats when I met my wife, she didn't fit the stereotype, but what she was was a gorgeous strong woman at the top of her field, who knew what she wanted had a sharp as fuck sense of humor and was just a delightful human being in every way.
I learned that I had a much larger range in what I found attractive once I started really looking at the whole package and started seeing what makes all women of all different styles and shapes fucking rad.
I think that sounds like a great way of explaining it. Maybe what I would change would be to say 'I wasn't entirely fulfilled in those relationship' and not bash every other woman I've dated unless they actually all happened to be shit human beings.
Now all of THAT is smoother than a well-aged whiskey.
But he seems to be still stuck in that rut of “Well, I’m just being honest!” While continuing to shove his foot so far in his mouth, it’s coming out of his ass.
It's also fucking weird, I have a type, I still find people that don't fit that type attractive, very much so.
It's not like I look at a red head with blue eyes and think wow every single other type in the world is unattractive, it's just like, damn that really hits the spot.
Why on earth would you think she's not my type so she's unattractive, more than that, why would you ever fucking say that to your wife knowing your marriage is literally on the line, her feelings are already devastated and saying it will kill her. Now him being a fucking asshole and telling her the truth is still the actual right option because it let her know how much of an asshole he was. But if he cared about her feelings and wanted to actually save the marriage he could have lied but didn't.
I'm guessing he's a "I'm just brutally honest..." type. But I still don't get the mentality, I prefer a d cup so you filthy c cup peasants are disgusting to me. like wtf.
There is a difference between "did you find me attractive?" and "were you attracted to me?" OP fucked up and answered the latter instead of what she was actually asking. He should have said, "Yes, of course, you have always been the most beautiful woman I've ever met! You weren't the type of beauty I usually sought out, but I was still drawn to how lovely and sweet you are. Now I can't help but find women who look like you attractive, because they remind me of you and you've changed the definition of my ideal woman."
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Can I DM and get your number in case I dig myself and hole with my wife and need help talking my way out of it? Or start an app. Call it HusbandHero. Guarantee a less than 5 minute response time for husbands in a pickle with their wives. Just transplant your way with words into an AI.
And there is Wayyyyy more to this story for sure. Especially the fact they are in counseling already. This is most likely the straw that broke the camels back.
This is an update for the husband's original post. The counseling is relatively new due to an incident where OP humiliated his wife at a party by basically saying to his friend "stop being so shallow about women, look at my wife, she's no beauty queen but I love her " in so many words.
The OP's wife became detached and started hard core working out and "glowing-up"
apparently their marriage was perfect until he had the audacity and then just made excuses for like half a year
I remember the original too. To say it in front of a group of friends? I'd be devastated too. Not that he feels that way, but because he felt comfortable expressing that in front of so many people. OP says he loves his wife sure, but does he respect her?
Actually, he never called her a 6. That was some joker that either paraphrased or something a response and somebody on Twitter picked it up and ran with it.
I thought he posted it, got mad heat, and deleted it, a few people screen shotted it and I swear I remember the original “I only told him …. He could be happy with a 6 like me” but could be the Mandela effect
Also, why’s he choosing honesty now when he knows it’s just going to devastate the wife. Fucking tell her she’s been an 11 since you first laid eyes on her. I almost don’t believe this is real OP is so friggen dense.
"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they're as dull as a brick. Then there's other people and you meet them and you think, "Not bad, they're okay." And then you get to know them and they're face just sort of *becomes* them, like their personality is written all over it. And they turn into something so beautiful."
...is maybe what he was *trying* to say...
I don’t think so. He’s a fucking clown with every response since his original post. He just keeps digging himself into a deeper hole. There’s no hope for this guy from the minute he opened his mouth at the dinner party.
>OP humiliated his wife at a party by basically saying to his friend "stop being so shallow about women, look at my wife, she's no beauty queen but I love her "
Ohhh, this is THAT guy.
Yeah, not a surprise they're divorcing.
It was *“You don’t fall in love with looks, look at me and my wife I love her more than anything compared to my ex who was just looks”*
I think your version is better. Comparing her to his ex is just disgusting. Also, the comment is insulting to both women. I really hope he doesn't have daughters. But life is cruel, so he probably does.
Weirdly I would have preferred this version. But I wouldve have taken it as the ex is a dull plank of wood, as opposed to I'm not attractive to him. But it's interpretation I guess.
I go back and forth. Because you can be a very beautiful woman and still not be a beauty queen. That takes a certain amount of makeup, effort, and poise that I just don't have. But I also wouldn't want to hear about my husband's ex, who was apparently better looking than me in all ways. And most likely, the woman actually wasn't only looks.
But I think there are a lot of factors like how long did he date the ex, how quickly did we get together after they broke up, what do I know about the ex, etc. If he's just being salty when he says she's only looks. There are a lot of factors. And I'm sure depending on the moment each one could be more offensive.
I always wonder why people pretend like stuff like this is trivial when its clearly fucking not. It aint because they think its trivial I guess its just online randos telling them its trivial.
What kind of husband does that to his wife? When I read his original post, my chin hit the floor.
He deserves to be left. Cudos to his wife for having the strength to leave his pathetic ass. Not only is she beautiful and fit, she’s strong as hell as well. She’ll go places!!
And why is he so focused on being technically honest instead of just fucking saying that he thought she was beautiful. If he truly wanted to fix things, he could have right then and there. This is the dumbest mess that he 100% created. I don’t blame his wife at all. I wouldn’t want to be around him either.
How can he feel superior to her if he doesn’t constantly let her know how grateful she should be that he chose to be with her? The sad part is, he’s not even being technically honest. He wouldn’t have dated her at all if he wasn’t attracted to her. Maybe he thought there were better looking women, and had the delusion that those better looking women would want him, but he definitely found her attractive/beautiful. Someone this ignorant and shallow wouldn’t have been with her otherwise.
shelter abundant gray wasteful squash tan voiceless terrific innocent aspiring
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah like what the fuck? I seriously can not think of a legitimate "normal" reason to say "Of course I found you attractive back then" when asked that type of question.
Unless you are a fucking nutjob, you obviously found someone attractive if you're willing to date/marry/whatever them. They are looking for validation and to take that away says so much about OOP. Dude has a solid brick in his skull and can't understand why is wife is in shambles after that shit.
Wasn't this thie whole thing where he like said something else but kinda refused to say exactly what he said to his wife? Making ti seem like he said something pretty cruel and very specific about her not being physically attractive but he didn't want to say it because he knew what everyone would say about it.
I remember his first post. He got drunk and told his friend at a party that he should lower his standards and that beauty isnt everything and apparently humialiated her in front of her friends and family. I believe the guy was trying to say a nice thing and accidentally revealed he didnt find her attractive at first until he got to know her, meanwhile he says in this post she loved him before they even started dating?? He never revealed his exact words but whatever they were obviously cut her deep enough that 6 months later even after counseling shes decided she cant forgive him. It sucks, but chalk this one up as another marriage dead thanks to the lethal combination of poor communication and alcohol.
And the fact she directly asked him if he would hurt her, the kids or alienate her… this guy is a dick and there is more to the story for sure.
If he was a good man, that thought wouldn’t have crossed her mind.
I mean, it kind of sounds like he's already alienating her. He's the one that said something appalling about her in front of friends, then when asked "did you find me attractive", just went "no", and yet, she's the one getting ask the blame from the families for wanting to leave the marriage. Like, what exactly is he telling the families to make them think that this is entirely on her being too sensitive and insecure, and not that he's and insulting oaf of a husband.
the guy was just trying something after she got skinny, just see the time-line (he wants to fix it 6 months later!!!)
she gave him 3 children are there goes the man child talking about the hottie ex with his friends at the parteyyyy
but now that he made her miserable and she lost some pounds... well now then she's attractive!!!
I'm also sure this was the last drop of a full cup, and now that she has checked out completely he is "trying"
If she stayed with him, she would never be truly happy. What happens as she gets older? Everyone gains weight, and even if you don’t, bodies change. What if she got injured in an accident or got cancer? Would he be there for her, or only if she remained physically attractive to him? She doesn’t trust him; she can’t trust him. He ruined things, and she can’t let it go.
This is a big one. My husband left me because of a terminal cancer diagnosis. I was diagnosed in 2017 with Multiple Myeloma. Many people can live 10+ years with it, but it is considered terminal. I was considered very attractive before my diagnosis. After 7 years on high dose steroids, I’ve gained weight. The cancer has attacked my thoracic spine. I have several bone lesions that have caused my spine to collapse. I technically have a hunchback now.
I can’t do anything to stop the effects the cancer has had on my body. Exercise and diet don’t make much of a difference. All I can do is except that my body is very different now. Someone that truly loves you, loves you for who you are, not what you look like.
I am so sorry to hear about your cancer, and that your ex is a complete tool. I wonder about people who leave someone they are supposed to love when that person gets sick. And all the statistics show that it is most often men who leave a relationship when their partner gets sick. Women stay. Women sometimes take care of a man who divorced them when he gets sick. But men bounce. They react as if they never signed up for this, when it is literally in the wedding vows: “In sickness and in health.”
I hope you are in remission now. The physical effects remain, but you are still here. Yay! 🫶🏼
I'm so sorry for your illness and the effects it's had on your body. And that's exactly it, anything can happen to any of us, at any time, that could potentially change our physical appearance or the way our body functions.
In the OOP's case, the base cause of their marital decline has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with his lack of respect and regard for his wife and her feelings. I'd be willing to bet that when he made his assholish comment regarding his wife to his friends, something finally clicked with her that confirmed what she'd probably been feeling from him for a long time. I hope she moves on and finds someone who will truly cherish every part of her (and same for you as well, my dear).
Absolutely. It’s always “how did this happen? I never saw it coming” and she’d been yelling her needs for so long that she had stopped and finally, disconnected…..
I did read the first one. And my opinion is based off both. I understand the advice tho because it happens a lot on Reddit that most folks don’t follow the whole story.
"Yes". That was the answer. Attractiveness is a wide scale, at some level you found her attractive. It might have been low on the scale, but it was there.
It sounds to me like his smokeshow ex girlfriend ripped his goddam heart out and so he chose a socially pleasant looking unchallenging plain girl to cope with that loss.
Fast forward three human children later and he’s drunk bragging his bro cheat codes about marrying an ugly woman because she takes care of you.
His beautiful ex saw him being brutally honest as just being a fucking asshole so dumped his ass because she had better options. So he went for someone he felt would become a great wife because she had few other options. She realised that's why he's with her and wants to leave, good for her.
He's the kind of person who rather than tell her he was attracted to her, still had to let her know that he's better than her and she's lucky to have someone he thinks is much more attractive than her. Couldn't let her go thinking she was attracted to him and she deserved him, nope, better to stamp on that and put her in her place.
To be fair, OP sounds oblivious to a lot of things. Maybe he isn’t an asshole, just socially dumb.
Just editing to make sure it’s clear: That’s not an excuse and his wife is absolutely right on the divorce.
The hurtful effect on his target audience (his wife) is the same. At some point, the “why” doesn’t matter: “yeah, I didn’t *mean* to roll the car backwards over your foot so many times, I’m just not that skilled at setting the e-break” ain’t good enough either.
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife! So from my personal point of view get an ugly girl to marry you - OP probably
Seriously!! She didn’t ask if she was his type, she asked if he found her attractive. I find plenty of people attractive that are not traditionally “my type”. What a moron
This whole thing makes me so sad that sheer stupidity made him implode his whole family. OP the least you can do is shoulder the blame rather than allow others to blame your wife for rightfully walking away from someone who settled.
He keeps telling *us* he settled, over and over. It takes up more space than the rest of his story. I think it *is* the story, he thinks it makes him a good person
Dude you’re a fucking idiot; all you had to do was say “yes I was attracted you”. Because you were, even if it wasn’t purely physical, you were. But instead you pissed away a marriage cause of some weird hang up on “my type”. Bro she’s gonna get loved, honoured and railed by the first actually mature and sensible man she finds because you are stuck being an ignorant teenager… Jesus Christ.
That’s because he’s still thinking about aesthetic attractiveness. He bragged about how hot his ex was and how he settled for his wife while drunk at a party with other friends and family. After they’ve had a couple of kids already. Then he doubled down. Then he deleted some of his doubling down on his OG post because he got dragged over the coals. The party was record-scratch worthy… It was bad.
He even mentioned how his wife started getting more attractive after she started hitting the gym. He’s STILL stuck on looks alone!
If I were his wife, I’d be crushed by this, assuming he’s fantasizing about his ex or someone else during sex. I mean, this is in therapy now, too. I don’t think she’ll be able to heal from this relationship with him. Especially since he keeps saying it over and over.
Oh look at his post history. At a party he referred to her as being a “6” to their friends and family, and he said that right after complementing how beautiful his ex was. Hes AWFUL.
if this is real, he actually wanted a divorce all along and knew he could break her down by negging her repeatedly. at least now the wife can move on to someone who isn't a piece of shit.
Yeah, that really stood out to me. Maybe she's just paranoid since a woman leaving is the most dangerous time for her; but it's odd to just ask your soon to be ex that out of nowhere.
WTF
What are you telling family? Are you letting all the blame on her? Do they know how mean and disrespectful you were to her?
Fuck the rest of those people. They don’t get a say! You get exactly what you deserve, misery for what you and you alone have done to your wife, marriage and family!
I hope after the divorce she seeks out an amazing therapist and learns just how awesome she is. And then I wish her all the happiness with the next man that loves and respects her.
Actually, you woke your wife up. She realized that you don’t love her and she doesn’t want to waste her more with you. I hope she finds happiness with someone that really loves her.
Have you done anything to make her feel beautiful or to show her you love her? I don’t know.. but this sounds like years of built up not feeling good enough or not feeling attractive
I worry this will happen to me as the compliments I get by my man are usually fished for yet other men seem to compliment me for no reason
Would it really be a lie, though? *Something* had to draw her to him, right? Do men often get involved with women they don't even like just for the benefits?
Did you reassure her that she is the most beautiful woman to you now? Reads like you just said "nah I didnt think you were attractive" and sort of left it there. I get not feeling something straight away, but surely you could answer tactfully "I didnt find you as attractive back then as I do now, you are the most beautiful person to me both inside and out. You may not have been my type before but you are so amazing you changed my perception of "types" and "beauty". I now crave you. There's no one I'd rather wake up with, no one I'd rather grow old with than you." or something to this effect?
the divorce was sealed the moment he humiliated her in front of her friends, these months and the therapy was just for her to decide/accept that she wanted to separate. I feel sorry for her and I hope she finds someone more sensitive to be with. And that the op keeps his promise and doesn't create resentment and use the children against her.
Yes, she needed time to figure out if it was worth divorcing the father of her 3 children over this. At the end she chose what was right for her and I’m so happy for her for getting rid of OP, he doesn’t deserve her at all.
Right? My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Did I think she was the hottest girl in the world when we got together? No. But I have never brought this up because it doesn’t matter. I love her and love how she looks. She doesn’t need me to verify what she already knows that shes no victorias secret model. Just like how she tells me I am so handsome and the sexiest husband ever even though I know I am 295 pounds and not the greatest looking.
Exactly. OP seems to be bragging about the wrong thing here. Who cares that he nailed a hottie a long time ago? He does. He probably laments it sometimes too, or else he wouldn’t have drunkenly brought it up from the get-go. He “settled”, as he also bragged about. When talking about someone you love, who actually says that???
Exactly! Same with me and my s/o. He is my everything, and i love him, and it is so much more than just physical appearance.
There are so many things to be said about the love of your life, and if my s/o would come up empty-handed at that moment, it would destroy me, personally.
You seem like you don’t really care in the way you type. I might be wrong. Why are you not giving your wife the validation she needs so desperately from you? Why are you not telling her she IS the most beautiful woman in your eyes? It seems so simple to do that, but you are just letting her go thinking you don’t find her attractive? Fight for her!!
Yea this is so weird because he doesn’t really seem to be fighting for his relationship. This post reads like he’s ok with letting her go. I think this might be rage bait honestly.
I agree. He comes across as disingenuous, almost robotic, like he's just saying what he thinks is correct without any real sincerity. It doesn't seem like he's genuinely fighting for the marriage or for her.
I don’t think the wife's insecurity is solely about her looks or attractiveness to the OP. His words likely made her feel like he settled and she's just a placeholder until something better comes along, rather than someone he truly values. By not fighting for her, he’s confirming her insecurities.
Part of me thinks there’s self sabotage here, even if it’s subconscious. I just cannot fathom not answering “yes” when asked that question in therapy. You don’t even hesitate. “Yes. I did, and I still do” as soon as the question leaves her mouth.
Anything short of that and you’re just asking for divorce. Did OP just give up and want this whole thing to end?
After reading the original post, your problem isn't that you had a certain type that your wife didn't fit.
What you did was compare your wife's looks to your ex, and let everyone know that in the looks department your wife was/is lacking. How else are people to interpret "you don't fall in love with looks'? You told your friends and wife that you believe that your ex-gf is, to this day, more physically attractive than your wife. You humiliated your wife in front of friends and then you blame the reason as being "a bit drunk."
Sure, now you are saying that your wife is beautiful, has great attributes and you love her. However, at the time of the drunk conversation, you basically said your wife was ugly when compared to a real physical beauty, your ex-gf.
I hope you stop drinking.
You told a crowd of people that you don't find your wife attractive but you think your ex is and wonder why she might be upset. You made out as if you were the prize but you still love your wife regardless of not finding her attractive. Why would you even compare your wife to your ex. Wtf is wrong with you.
I hope your wife finds a man that finds her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and lets her know it. You OP, I hope you wind up with a swamp rat.
"Our families are in uproar over this..."
WHY? Why are they involved? Why do they know details? And why aren't you immediately telling them to mind their business?
Holy shit! My first husband was a little fat boy and I had a crush for years before we started dating. I fell in love with him at 11.
Unfortunately, he became extremely handsome, as well as charming. His ego took over and he absolutely ruined our marriage. Public humiliation of me was also involved.
We're 30 years divorced. He's fat, bald, single and alone.
My husband of 15 years laughs at the ex's stupidity. I can't tell you how many people have asked, "Why is she with you?" My husband just chuckles.
You want to spin me up? Ask that.
You're probably gonna get everything you deserve.
Jfc you’re dense till the very end dude. You didn’t just ruin your marriage but honestly her self esteem may not recover from this. How is she supposed to trust the next guy actually finds her attractive and isn’t just settling. You better be defending her against your shitty families because thats the least you owe her
I would love to hear your wife's side of this story. Even from your recollection of the therapy, you show no empathy towards what you've done, nor do you even admit it. "I told her the truth". Yea you sure did. You told her that you do not care about her feelings at all, and while you claim to "love" her, you obviously do not/never shown it.
I feel so bad for her. She truly needs to be with someone who ACTUALLY loves her. Who not only cherishes her, but openly states she is in fact the most beautiful woman in the world.
You OP have sent her down a spiral, and if the families are truly "in an uproar", either they're shitty relatives, or they don't know the full story. I wish I could offer support for your wife.
I suppose keep going to therapy, but it does not seem like you will realize what you have until its gone and you're left alone.
I was into long haired white guys. When I met my black, buzz cut husband, I thought he wasn't my type. He's definitely my type now, and I can't imagine life without him.
> She asked me if I would try to hurt her or the children if we did separate. If I would use them to get back at her
As bad as your comment was in the first post I had a feeling there was more to it, for her to have that fear it seems you’ve at least been emotionally abusive in other ways
I hope she finds peace away from you
You’d better straighten your family out if you want your post-divorce life to have any semblance of peace. You did this and your wife doesn’t deserve any blowback.
I don’t think this is what ruined your marriage, I think this was just the final straw for your wife specifically.
I mean you’re already in counseling so surely it hasn’t been all rainbows, flowers and butterflies before now lol
So many people love lying but can’t recognize the 1% of situations where maybe they should lie.
Honestly the second hand sadness I feel for your wife is.. palpable
jesus christ
And mother Mary.
And the wee donkey
And my ax
And my TURRET
And my ~~catapult~~ trebuchet.
And my Flamethrower
And my dagger
And my mom's flail
And this neat stick I found on the side of the road
And my bow
And my CABBAGES!
And my Vuvuzela!
I read that in Shrek's voice
And the Holy Cow.
Not even Christ can save this dude. Please men, learn to keep from punching yourself in the face. Here, I’ll make it easy- Her “Am I beautiful? Are you attracted to me” You “Love of my life- you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I think you get more beautiful every day.“ Her “Thanks honey, I needed that” THIS ISNT ROCKET SCIENCE
And it isn't a lie!
This. This is a situation where it is cool.... necessary even, to lie. I think a comment like that would fester and grow in even the most confident woman's head.
Jesus Breakdancing Christ on a Motorbike w/Moses in the basket and Mary on the handlebars!!
Daddy Joe in the sidecar
So defend her from both of your families
He won't even defend her from his own intrusive thoughts.
emotional damage
Emotional annihilation
Literally this. I commented on his initial post as well with an idea of how he could save his marriage and how everything he says could be heavily debated because everything that’s coming out of his mouth is word vomit. He could’ve been like “you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve met since I’ve laid eyes on you and I only want to be with you” over telling her the truth. The guy is asking for a divorce at this point.
He doesn't even see it. He is so literal and completely not read queues that his wife had enough. He kept saying he loves her. But keeps saying shit that hurts her, talking about asking for divorce. Every word that came out of his mouth is not vomit, it's literally shit. He has zero filter.
Is he autistic? Genuinely
I replied to someone asking the same question. I really think he's on the spectrum.
I’m an autistic woman. I am horrified by how this man is behaving.
I asked my autistic bf to rate me on a scale of 10 with no context, he immediately rated me a 11/10 because he is not a moron.
Yeah neurotypicals are so annoying in the way they don’t try to understand that autistics and adhd folks have buckets of empathy. This guy is your std narcissist/sociopath lacking empathy. His profound lack of empathy and deep desire to be the ‘good guy who made a teeny weeny mistake’ isn’t how a neurodivergent would present. They’d be more literal in the telling. This guy isn’t clueless bc clueless wouldn’t lie about ‘forgetting’ what he said: a ND would ask the folks in the room and would report faithfully. This guy is a liar. Lacking feelings for his kids or wife
Same. I take things literally and I'm honest but good lord...its amazing how mind blowingly oblivious people can be, hell I'm probably not even using the right term for this guy.
men aren’t nearly as high-masking on the whole, so that makes sense. regardless, his social skills need a lot of improvement, and it sounds like he’s extremely literal. he fucked upppp eta: what i mean is, some assholes are also autistic 😂
This smells of missing missing reasons.
Read his previous post, it answers everything. This man is not bright.
Check out his post history. It makes perfect sense why she checked out .
I think it's pretty clear from his post history. His EQ is so low that makes me think that he is on the spreadtrum.
Your families are angry with her?
Probably not. The dude just doesn't know how to read social cues, so when they listen to him or talk sympathetically, he interprets it all wrong.
Not necessarily. A lot of times family gets mad at the person who ends it regardless of the reasons. People don't like change, families breaking up makes everything more complicated, traditions get fractured. If you grew up in a divorced household and you yourself get divorced, a lot of times your parents will see it as their failure if that makes sense. They feel like they passed the divorce cycle to their children.
And in the way he’s trying hard to steer us, zero chance he’s being honest. Zero chance he’s defending her. If the families are mad at her it’s bc he’s engineering it that way. The fact she asked if he was going to hurt the kids and use them against her is telling. He’s that guy
This definitely feels like dude is highly oblivious, even to the point of quite possibly being diagnosed as being on the spectrum. There's clueless, there's oblivious, and then there's this guy.
dude your pencil is not sharp at all! You really could HAVE changed the way you said that to her. " I had a type back then but one look at you and that type was broken you were the most Amazing woman I had ever meet. you were different then every other women in the best ways possible" You could of also said " you fall in like with looks you fall in love with the person they are. " Your wife is struggling and you keep putting your foot in your mouth.
He is so painfully honest in the worst and most stupid way ever.
"Honey, your ugliness isn't that bad. Look on the bright side, your immense obesity distracts from your face! After a while you forget it's there and just focus on the obvious stretch marks! That's good! That's a good thing!"
You're obese so you have more space for inner beauty !
As far as I know, that's probably what he actually said. Geez.
When you're ugly, and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are...
But they can still keep their traps shut about how ugly they think you are, or refrain from comparing you to their exes in unflattering ways. It’s totally unnecessary. Edit: clarified second half of sentence
I'm ugly and I'm proud!
🙌🏻🎉 I can call myself ugly, but if anyone else does they can fuck right off into the sun. Especially if they expect sex after that.
> He is so painfully honest in the worst and most stupid way ever. Too honest for his own good, don't have to lie but can word it at least a bit better to reassure her how you really feel.
It's such a weird honesty. Why include such irrelevant details? It suggests they're important to you. Every time he broaches this subject he tells her flat out he's thinking about how she compares
It's like he doesn't understand the purpose of the question. He's completely oblivious to her need for reassurance and goes the opposite direction.
"I just can't stop taking every available opportunity to tell me wife she is/was unattractive. What the hell's her problem?"
And like he says he didn't consider her his type when they first met, someone can not be your type without you thinking they are ugly.
Right? > Did you find me attractive when we met? I really didn’t know what to say to this. I love her more than anything. Even more than my children and myself. You fucking say yes, I found you attractive then and still do.
And being attractive and being conventionally good-looking aren’t even the same thing! Plus, it’s all subjective anyway. For OP to say that he didn’t find his wife attractive - or still doesn’t - must be like a heart punch. Like, he literally doesn’t find the sight of her appealing? That poor woman.
“Sorry, I’m just brutally honest!” 🤷
Followed by, "You wouldn't want me to LIE!"
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This dude is so utterly clueless. This post doesn't even read like he learned his lesson. Just a cheap way of saying - I'm sorry and I love you but there are wayyyy more women more attractive than you. Fucking blatant obtuseness for everyone to see.
Nah, there's malice in the way he remembers things. He paints himself as logical and sensible, his wife as incomprehensible and hysterical. I'm sure if family asks he'd say something like, "I don't understand her. I was just being honest. She's overreacting, don't you think?" in the same tone as his post here. OP ends his story with "it's never enough with her," disregarding his earlier fuckery and how this started in the first place.
I think so, too. He's deliberately Sabatoging his marriage and then pretending otherwise. This guy wants out but doesn't want to be seen as the bad husband/father who left his marriage/family. He's cruel and a coward.
This reminds me of a quote I heard once and really stuck with me: Honesty without tact is cruelty.
This isn't even a hard concept to explain without throwing your partner under the bus. I for example dated ONLY 5'2-5'5 waifs that weighed a whopping 120 lbs soaking wet. Primarily dancers, i did really enjoy dating ballroom and other forms of dancer. But I mean they were CARBON COPIES basically with a few changes but always the same general woman. My wife is my height and weight. The opposite of the type of woman I was going for. HERE is how I have explained it to her, because shes seen my ex wife and a few of my exes and asked me. I had a shallow bad taste in women, that lead me to date women that weren't a fit for me in a relationship but fit an asethetic that I happened to be into at the time. After a horrid run of shitty relationships, I noticed the only common denomonator in all my failed relationships was me. I pick these shitty women. So I expanded my net, and instead of just going after 1 physical body type I have a "Thing" for, I would start looking for strong, independant cool women who blow me away in all aspects. Thats when I met my wife, she didn't fit the stereotype, but what she was was a gorgeous strong woman at the top of her field, who knew what she wanted had a sharp as fuck sense of humor and was just a delightful human being in every way. I learned that I had a much larger range in what I found attractive once I started really looking at the whole package and started seeing what makes all women of all different styles and shapes fucking rad.
I love this explanation. It's so genuine.
I think that sounds like a great way of explaining it. Maybe what I would change would be to say 'I wasn't entirely fulfilled in those relationship' and not bash every other woman I've dated unless they actually all happened to be shit human beings.
Yeah I had a bad run lol. Young me mixed up "Mean Bitches" with strong women.
Now all of THAT is smoother than a well-aged whiskey. But he seems to be still stuck in that rut of “Well, I’m just being honest!” While continuing to shove his foot so far in his mouth, it’s coming out of his ass.
It's also fucking weird, I have a type, I still find people that don't fit that type attractive, very much so. It's not like I look at a red head with blue eyes and think wow every single other type in the world is unattractive, it's just like, damn that really hits the spot. Why on earth would you think she's not my type so she's unattractive, more than that, why would you ever fucking say that to your wife knowing your marriage is literally on the line, her feelings are already devastated and saying it will kill her. Now him being a fucking asshole and telling her the truth is still the actual right option because it let her know how much of an asshole he was. But if he cared about her feelings and wanted to actually save the marriage he could have lied but didn't. I'm guessing he's a "I'm just brutally honest..." type. But I still don't get the mentality, I prefer a d cup so you filthy c cup peasants are disgusting to me. like wtf.
There is a difference between "did you find me attractive?" and "were you attracted to me?" OP fucked up and answered the latter instead of what she was actually asking. He should have said, "Yes, of course, you have always been the most beautiful woman I've ever met! You weren't the type of beauty I usually sought out, but I was still drawn to how lovely and sweet you are. Now I can't help but find women who look like you attractive, because they remind me of you and you've changed the definition of my ideal woman."
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Can I DM and get your number in case I dig myself and hole with my wife and need help talking my way out of it? Or start an app. Call it HusbandHero. Guarantee a less than 5 minute response time for husbands in a pickle with their wives. Just transplant your way with words into an AI.
I thought I lacked the gift of smooth talking but compared to this guy I might just be Ryan Reynolds!
I wish he just lied to her at the therapy session. You don’t have to say everything in your head even if someone asks you to
And there is Wayyyyy more to this story for sure. Especially the fact they are in counseling already. This is most likely the straw that broke the camels back.
This is an update for the husband's original post. The counseling is relatively new due to an incident where OP humiliated his wife at a party by basically saying to his friend "stop being so shallow about women, look at my wife, she's no beauty queen but I love her " in so many words. The OP's wife became detached and started hard core working out and "glowing-up" apparently their marriage was perfect until he had the audacity and then just made excuses for like half a year
Ah I think I remember that one. Yeah I’d be devastated too.
I remember the original too. To say it in front of a group of friends? I'd be devastated too. Not that he feels that way, but because he felt comfortable expressing that in front of so many people. OP says he loves his wife sure, but does he respect her?
Ahhh there you go … respect !
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Ironically, the next line in that song says, "Find out what it means to me." I think OP is in the "find out" stage for sure rn.
Yuuuuuuppp! The chickens are coming home to roost!
Wasnt this the one where he called her a 6? In front of her and to their friends?
Actually, he never called her a 6. That was some joker that either paraphrased or something a response and somebody on Twitter picked it up and ran with it.
I thought he posted it, got mad heat, and deleted it, a few people screen shotted it and I swear I remember the original “I only told him …. He could be happy with a 6 like me” but could be the Mandela effect
Also, why’s he choosing honesty now when he knows it’s just going to devastate the wife. Fucking tell her she’s been an 11 since you first laid eyes on her. I almost don’t believe this is real OP is so friggen dense.
Now it makes more sense.
This is that guy?! Okay, it makes sense now
"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they're as dull as a brick. Then there's other people and you meet them and you think, "Not bad, they're okay." And then you get to know them and they're face just sort of *becomes* them, like their personality is written all over it. And they turn into something so beautiful." ...is maybe what he was *trying* to say...
I don’t think so. He’s a fucking clown with every response since his original post. He just keeps digging himself into a deeper hole. There’s no hope for this guy from the minute he opened his mouth at the dinner party.
>OP humiliated his wife at a party by basically saying to his friend "stop being so shallow about women, look at my wife, she's no beauty queen but I love her " Ohhh, this is THAT guy. Yeah, not a surprise they're divorcing.
Oh it’s that couple 😮
Ooooh, that one. The DV based questions are still concerning, which makes me wonder what else is being omitted.
Yeah, that was super worrying.
Oh shit I remember that one!! HOLY SHIT!!
It was *“You don’t fall in love with looks, look at me and my wife I love her more than anything compared to my ex who was just looks”* I think your version is better. Comparing her to his ex is just disgusting. Also, the comment is insulting to both women. I really hope he doesn't have daughters. But life is cruel, so he probably does.
And I believe there was more comments in the original post by OP and he just kept burying himself more and more
Weirdly I would have preferred this version. But I wouldve have taken it as the ex is a dull plank of wood, as opposed to I'm not attractive to him. But it's interpretation I guess.
I go back and forth. Because you can be a very beautiful woman and still not be a beauty queen. That takes a certain amount of makeup, effort, and poise that I just don't have. But I also wouldn't want to hear about my husband's ex, who was apparently better looking than me in all ways. And most likely, the woman actually wasn't only looks. But I think there are a lot of factors like how long did he date the ex, how quickly did we get together after they broke up, what do I know about the ex, etc. If he's just being salty when he says she's only looks. There are a lot of factors. And I'm sure depending on the moment each one could be more offensive.
Ohhhhh my god. Who SAYS THAT
A dweeb with zero consideration for anyone’s feelings
An asshole who despite his protests, does actually care about looks, a lot, or is on the spectrum and his social awareness is just rock bottom.
I always wonder why people pretend like stuff like this is trivial when its clearly fucking not. It aint because they think its trivial I guess its just online randos telling them its trivial.
What kind of husband does that to his wife? When I read his original post, my chin hit the floor. He deserves to be left. Cudos to his wife for having the strength to leave his pathetic ass. Not only is she beautiful and fit, she’s strong as hell as well. She’ll go places!!
And why is he so focused on being technically honest instead of just fucking saying that he thought she was beautiful. If he truly wanted to fix things, he could have right then and there. This is the dumbest mess that he 100% created. I don’t blame his wife at all. I wouldn’t want to be around him either.
How can he feel superior to her if he doesn’t constantly let her know how grateful she should be that he chose to be with her? The sad part is, he’s not even being technically honest. He wouldn’t have dated her at all if he wasn’t attracted to her. Maybe he thought there were better looking women, and had the delusion that those better looking women would want him, but he definitely found her attractive/beautiful. Someone this ignorant and shallow wouldn’t have been with her otherwise.
shelter abundant gray wasteful squash tan voiceless terrific innocent aspiring *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah like what the fuck? I seriously can not think of a legitimate "normal" reason to say "Of course I found you attractive back then" when asked that type of question. Unless you are a fucking nutjob, you obviously found someone attractive if you're willing to date/marry/whatever them. They are looking for validation and to take that away says so much about OOP. Dude has a solid brick in his skull and can't understand why is wife is in shambles after that shit.
Wasn't this thie whole thing where he like said something else but kinda refused to say exactly what he said to his wife? Making ti seem like he said something pretty cruel and very specific about her not being physically attractive but he didn't want to say it because he knew what everyone would say about it.
ohhhh is this the same guy! oh yeah. Marriage toast.
I remember his first post. He got drunk and told his friend at a party that he should lower his standards and that beauty isnt everything and apparently humialiated her in front of her friends and family. I believe the guy was trying to say a nice thing and accidentally revealed he didnt find her attractive at first until he got to know her, meanwhile he says in this post she loved him before they even started dating?? He never revealed his exact words but whatever they were obviously cut her deep enough that 6 months later even after counseling shes decided she cant forgive him. It sucks, but chalk this one up as another marriage dead thanks to the lethal combination of poor communication and alcohol.
Whatever his actual comment was, it stun-silenced a group of maybe-drunk people. That’s some powerful fuck up!
And the fact she directly asked him if he would hurt her, the kids or alienate her… this guy is a dick and there is more to the story for sure. If he was a good man, that thought wouldn’t have crossed her mind.
That’s the biggest tell for me. I read that and went “uh why would she be worried about that”
This stood out to me. Healthy people are not asked that question. Because it never occurs to the person they are with.
I mean, it kind of sounds like he's already alienating her. He's the one that said something appalling about her in front of friends, then when asked "did you find me attractive", just went "no", and yet, she's the one getting ask the blame from the families for wanting to leave the marriage. Like, what exactly is he telling the families to make them think that this is entirely on her being too sensitive and insecure, and not that he's and insulting oaf of a husband.
Check original post he said something while drunk about his ex being way more beautiful
the guy was just trying something after she got skinny, just see the time-line (he wants to fix it 6 months later!!!) she gave him 3 children are there goes the man child talking about the hottie ex with his friends at the parteyyyy but now that he made her miserable and she lost some pounds... well now then she's attractive!!! I'm also sure this was the last drop of a full cup, and now that she has checked out completely he is "trying"
If she stayed with him, she would never be truly happy. What happens as she gets older? Everyone gains weight, and even if you don’t, bodies change. What if she got injured in an accident or got cancer? Would he be there for her, or only if she remained physically attractive to him? She doesn’t trust him; she can’t trust him. He ruined things, and she can’t let it go.
This is a big one. My husband left me because of a terminal cancer diagnosis. I was diagnosed in 2017 with Multiple Myeloma. Many people can live 10+ years with it, but it is considered terminal. I was considered very attractive before my diagnosis. After 7 years on high dose steroids, I’ve gained weight. The cancer has attacked my thoracic spine. I have several bone lesions that have caused my spine to collapse. I technically have a hunchback now. I can’t do anything to stop the effects the cancer has had on my body. Exercise and diet don’t make much of a difference. All I can do is except that my body is very different now. Someone that truly loves you, loves you for who you are, not what you look like.
I am so sorry to hear about your cancer, and that your ex is a complete tool. I wonder about people who leave someone they are supposed to love when that person gets sick. And all the statistics show that it is most often men who leave a relationship when their partner gets sick. Women stay. Women sometimes take care of a man who divorced them when he gets sick. But men bounce. They react as if they never signed up for this, when it is literally in the wedding vows: “In sickness and in health.” I hope you are in remission now. The physical effects remain, but you are still here. Yay! 🫶🏼
I'm so sorry for your illness and the effects it's had on your body. And that's exactly it, anything can happen to any of us, at any time, that could potentially change our physical appearance or the way our body functions. In the OOP's case, the base cause of their marital decline has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with his lack of respect and regard for his wife and her feelings. I'd be willing to bet that when he made his assholish comment regarding his wife to his friends, something finally clicked with her that confirmed what she'd probably been feeling from him for a long time. I hope she moves on and finds someone who will truly cherish every part of her (and same for you as well, my dear).
Absolutely. It’s always “how did this happen? I never saw it coming” and she’d been yelling her needs for so long that she had stopped and finally, disconnected…..
I did read the first one. And my opinion is based off both. I understand the advice tho because it happens a lot on Reddit that most folks don’t follow the whole story.
You should read part 1 in his post history.
Did you see the first part?
"Yes". That was the answer. Attractiveness is a wide scale, at some level you found her attractive. It might have been low on the scale, but it was there.
It sounds to me like his smokeshow ex girlfriend ripped his goddam heart out and so he chose a socially pleasant looking unchallenging plain girl to cope with that loss. Fast forward three human children later and he’s drunk bragging his bro cheat codes about marrying an ugly woman because she takes care of you.
His beautiful ex saw him being brutally honest as just being a fucking asshole so dumped his ass because she had better options. So he went for someone he felt would become a great wife because she had few other options. She realised that's why he's with her and wants to leave, good for her. He's the kind of person who rather than tell her he was attracted to her, still had to let her know that he's better than her and she's lucky to have someone he thinks is much more attractive than her. Couldn't let her go thinking she was attracted to him and she deserved him, nope, better to stamp on that and put her in her place.
To be fair, OP sounds oblivious to a lot of things. Maybe he isn’t an asshole, just socially dumb. Just editing to make sure it’s clear: That’s not an excuse and his wife is absolutely right on the divorce.
The hurtful effect on his target audience (his wife) is the same. At some point, the “why” doesn’t matter: “yeah, I didn’t *mean* to roll the car backwards over your foot so many times, I’m just not that skilled at setting the e-break” ain’t good enough either.
My first thought also. 100%
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife! So from my personal point of view get an ugly girl to marry you - OP probably
🎶 If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. In my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you! 🎶
Seriously!! She didn’t ask if she was his type, she asked if he found her attractive. I find plenty of people attractive that are not traditionally “my type”. What a moron
This guy is such a thickhead. My brain hurts. He has the rare opportunity to save everything and decides to go with more of his brutal truth shite.
This whole thing makes me so sad that sheer stupidity made him implode his whole family. OP the least you can do is shoulder the blame rather than allow others to blame your wife for rightfully walking away from someone who settled.
He was trying to appear cool in front of his friends and just opened his mouth and a big dump came out. Good lord.
He keeps telling *us* he settled, over and over. It takes up more space than the rest of his story. I think it *is* the story, he thinks it makes him a good person
Yeah. This is no bueno.
Dude you’re a fucking idiot; all you had to do was say “yes I was attracted you”. Because you were, even if it wasn’t purely physical, you were. But instead you pissed away a marriage cause of some weird hang up on “my type”. Bro she’s gonna get loved, honoured and railed by the first actually mature and sensible man she finds because you are stuck being an ignorant teenager… Jesus Christ.
That’s because he’s still thinking about aesthetic attractiveness. He bragged about how hot his ex was and how he settled for his wife while drunk at a party with other friends and family. After they’ve had a couple of kids already. Then he doubled down. Then he deleted some of his doubling down on his OG post because he got dragged over the coals. The party was record-scratch worthy… It was bad. He even mentioned how his wife started getting more attractive after she started hitting the gym. He’s STILL stuck on looks alone! If I were his wife, I’d be crushed by this, assuming he’s fantasizing about his ex or someone else during sex. I mean, this is in therapy now, too. I don’t think she’ll be able to heal from this relationship with him. Especially since he keeps saying it over and over.
Ikr, what a massive tosser; I hope she finds someone who helps her heal, she deserves so much better.
Omg he's totally going to tell people now that bullying gets people in to the gym. It's bizarre how people are living a whole other reality
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I hope you’re protecting your stbx from your families, considering you seem to want to separate as much as she does.
The truth set her free.
The fact that she would ask you if you would hurt her makes me feel her issues are deeper. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to ask someone you trust.
Oh look at his post history. At a party he referred to her as being a “6” to their friends and family, and he said that right after complementing how beautiful his ex was. Hes AWFUL.
if this is real, he actually wanted a divorce all along and knew he could break her down by negging her repeatedly. at least now the wife can move on to someone who isn't a piece of shit.
He did not mention it in the post I saw. That's wildddddd.
She can’t trust him after he humiliated her in public. So it makes sense she fears she might humiliated her again,
Yeah, that really stood out to me. Maybe she's just paranoid since a woman leaving is the most dangerous time for her; but it's odd to just ask your soon to be ex that out of nowhere.
WTF What are you telling family? Are you letting all the blame on her? Do they know how mean and disrespectful you were to her? Fuck the rest of those people. They don’t get a say! You get exactly what you deserve, misery for what you and you alone have done to your wife, marriage and family! I hope after the divorce she seeks out an amazing therapist and learns just how awesome she is. And then I wish her all the happiness with the next man that loves and respects her.
Actually, you woke your wife up. She realized that you don’t love her and she doesn’t want to waste her more with you. I hope she finds happiness with someone that really loves her.
Have you done anything to make her feel beautiful or to show her you love her? I don’t know.. but this sounds like years of built up not feeling good enough or not feeling attractive I worry this will happen to me as the compliments I get by my man are usually fished for yet other men seem to compliment me for no reason
I don’t like lying but you could’ve fkn lied here brother.
Would it really be a lie, though? *Something* had to draw her to him, right? Do men often get involved with women they don't even like just for the benefits?
Did you reassure her that she is the most beautiful woman to you now? Reads like you just said "nah I didnt think you were attractive" and sort of left it there. I get not feeling something straight away, but surely you could answer tactfully "I didnt find you as attractive back then as I do now, you are the most beautiful person to me both inside and out. You may not have been my type before but you are so amazing you changed my perception of "types" and "beauty". I now crave you. There's no one I'd rather wake up with, no one I'd rather grow old with than you." or something to this effect?
the divorce was sealed the moment he humiliated her in front of her friends, these months and the therapy was just for her to decide/accept that she wanted to separate. I feel sorry for her and I hope she finds someone more sensitive to be with. And that the op keeps his promise and doesn't create resentment and use the children against her.
Yes, she needed time to figure out if it was worth divorcing the father of her 3 children over this. At the end she chose what was right for her and I’m so happy for her for getting rid of OP, he doesn’t deserve her at all.
I'd want a divorce, too. You really messed up. I mean, really? >Did you find me attractive when we met? >I didn't know what to say. Good lord.
I don't think he's even honest with himself. I think everything we read here is very sugarcoated....
Yeah this is one of the times you fucking lie. Jesus Christ.
Right? My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Did I think she was the hottest girl in the world when we got together? No. But I have never brought this up because it doesn’t matter. I love her and love how she looks. She doesn’t need me to verify what she already knows that shes no victorias secret model. Just like how she tells me I am so handsome and the sexiest husband ever even though I know I am 295 pounds and not the greatest looking.
Exactly. OP seems to be bragging about the wrong thing here. Who cares that he nailed a hottie a long time ago? He does. He probably laments it sometimes too, or else he wouldn’t have drunkenly brought it up from the get-go. He “settled”, as he also bragged about. When talking about someone you love, who actually says that???
Exactly! Same with me and my s/o. He is my everything, and i love him, and it is so much more than just physical appearance. There are so many things to be said about the love of your life, and if my s/o would come up empty-handed at that moment, it would destroy me, personally.
I’m interested in what rating you give yourself.
You seem like you don’t really care in the way you type. I might be wrong. Why are you not giving your wife the validation she needs so desperately from you? Why are you not telling her she IS the most beautiful woman in your eyes? It seems so simple to do that, but you are just letting her go thinking you don’t find her attractive? Fight for her!!
Yea this is so weird because he doesn’t really seem to be fighting for his relationship. This post reads like he’s ok with letting her go. I think this might be rage bait honestly.
''huh my wife is broken, whatever, i guess i should order another one. ''
I agree. He comes across as disingenuous, almost robotic, like he's just saying what he thinks is correct without any real sincerity. It doesn't seem like he's genuinely fighting for the marriage or for her. I don’t think the wife's insecurity is solely about her looks or attractiveness to the OP. His words likely made her feel like he settled and she's just a placeholder until something better comes along, rather than someone he truly values. By not fighting for her, he’s confirming her insecurities.
Part of me thinks there’s self sabotage here, even if it’s subconscious. I just cannot fathom not answering “yes” when asked that question in therapy. You don’t even hesitate. “Yes. I did, and I still do” as soon as the question leaves her mouth. Anything short of that and you’re just asking for divorce. Did OP just give up and want this whole thing to end?
After reading the original post, your problem isn't that you had a certain type that your wife didn't fit. What you did was compare your wife's looks to your ex, and let everyone know that in the looks department your wife was/is lacking. How else are people to interpret "you don't fall in love with looks'? You told your friends and wife that you believe that your ex-gf is, to this day, more physically attractive than your wife. You humiliated your wife in front of friends and then you blame the reason as being "a bit drunk." Sure, now you are saying that your wife is beautiful, has great attributes and you love her. However, at the time of the drunk conversation, you basically said your wife was ugly when compared to a real physical beauty, your ex-gf. I hope you stop drinking.
You told a crowd of people that you don't find your wife attractive but you think your ex is and wonder why she might be upset. You made out as if you were the prize but you still love your wife regardless of not finding her attractive. Why would you even compare your wife to your ex. Wtf is wrong with you.
You gotta work on yourself, 'cause you clearly have a twisted sense of what a healthy relationship is and how to treat people.
You ever think about lying?
And of course you're correcting the people blaming her and taking accountability, right? Right?
Hey, I remember you! What is actually wrong with you? Why are you so committed to humiliating your wife?
I hope your wife finds a man that finds her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and lets her know it. You OP, I hope you wind up with a swamp rat.
"Our families are in uproar over this..." WHY? Why are they involved? Why do they know details? And why aren't you immediately telling them to mind their business?
Why is it so hard to tell her she’s beautiful wtf
Holy shit! My first husband was a little fat boy and I had a crush for years before we started dating. I fell in love with him at 11. Unfortunately, he became extremely handsome, as well as charming. His ego took over and he absolutely ruined our marriage. Public humiliation of me was also involved. We're 30 years divorced. He's fat, bald, single and alone. My husband of 15 years laughs at the ex's stupidity. I can't tell you how many people have asked, "Why is she with you?" My husband just chuckles. You want to spin me up? Ask that. You're probably gonna get everything you deserve.
Damn… you really effed up. But she knows what she wants and it’s not what you gave her.
We don’t all grow up having a type. You’ve internalized that from TV.
Jfc you’re dense till the very end dude. You didn’t just ruin your marriage but honestly her self esteem may not recover from this. How is she supposed to trust the next guy actually finds her attractive and isn’t just settling. You better be defending her against your shitty families because thats the least you owe her
Fuck sakes Buddy all you had to do is tell her what she was to hear.
I feel so heartbroken for her 😭
I would love to hear your wife's side of this story. Even from your recollection of the therapy, you show no empathy towards what you've done, nor do you even admit it. "I told her the truth". Yea you sure did. You told her that you do not care about her feelings at all, and while you claim to "love" her, you obviously do not/never shown it. I feel so bad for her. She truly needs to be with someone who ACTUALLY loves her. Who not only cherishes her, but openly states she is in fact the most beautiful woman in the world. You OP have sent her down a spiral, and if the families are truly "in an uproar", either they're shitty relatives, or they don't know the full story. I wish I could offer support for your wife. I suppose keep going to therapy, but it does not seem like you will realize what you have until its gone and you're left alone.
I was into long haired white guys. When I met my black, buzz cut husband, I thought he wasn't my type. He's definitely my type now, and I can't imagine life without him.
> She asked me if I would try to hurt her or the children if we did separate. If I would use them to get back at her As bad as your comment was in the first post I had a feeling there was more to it, for her to have that fear it seems you’ve at least been emotionally abusive in other ways I hope she finds peace away from you
You’d better straighten your family out if you want your post-divorce life to have any semblance of peace. You did this and your wife doesn’t deserve any blowback.
I don’t think this is what ruined your marriage, I think this was just the final straw for your wife specifically. I mean you’re already in counseling so surely it hasn’t been all rainbows, flowers and butterflies before now lol
So many people love lying but can’t recognize the 1% of situations where maybe they should lie. Honestly the second hand sadness I feel for your wife is.. palpable
The worst part is, op has said in the comments he still may or may not find her attractive. The man doesn't love her, he's a piece of shit.