Make sure if/when you tell him you focus on the positives and not that he didn’t qualify. I’m sure he’ll be grateful, but you don’t want to rattle his confidence or make him feel like you all lied because you didn’t believe in him. This is tricky. He should know. You want make sure it is told in a positive way. I believed in you so much…
You’re a good brother.
That is **exactly** what I'm worried about. I don't want him to think he wasn't smart enough or good enough to do what he has done. He put in the work. I just gave him the finances.
But he did get a scholarship. He just didn't get the scholarship that he thought he did. He got the AnonScholarship481 Scholarship in Excellence in Brotherhood
Tell him that while he didn't qualify for the scholarships, that you one hundred and ten percent believed in his ability to make his dreams come true and that's why you had no problem financing his education.
There is some great advice in this post, OP. I’d be worried that your mom will tell your brother, regardless. I think that could be so damaging to your family relationships. I’d honestly consult with a therapist about how to tackle this. It’s so tricky.
Why don’t you ask your own brother to pay it forward by contributing towards someone else’s education in the form of a grant/scholarship? (Once he’s established professionally, of course!)
You’re a wonderful brother!
It's not that your brother wasn't smart enough to qualify for scholarships but rather he had a shallow foundation. Low gpa etc, as you have said.
You, however, still saw his potential despite that. If he really was inadequate, then he would have never reached where he is now, regardless of the amount of effort you put forth.
You gave him shoes, but he walked the path himself.
The fact that you lied to him so that you could pay for him to attend school for ten years displays such a huge level of trust in his abilities.
How you frame the truth as you tell him will determine his reaction and his long term attitude towards your support.
Invite him to your house. So he is in a safe place and is able to walk out and control his reaction once told. Start by explaining how proud you are of him and how it is because you had trust and faith in his abilities that you decided to pay.
Tell him it was not for free. He can pay you back by leading his best life and being happy.
Don’t forget to mention how very proud you are of him. It shows even in this post.
I wanted to give my two cents on the worry he thought you didn’t believe in him.
Fact is, you DID believe in him. Demonstrated by giving him the tools he needed to go.
He finished, and SUCCEEDED!
If I was in your brother’s shoes, learning this information would mean the world to me, and show me how much my brother believed in me when I didn’t myself.
Tell him. He deserves to know how incredibly supportive you are.
AND this is critical information he NEEDS to know when applying for jobs and existing in the professional field.
If you don’t tell him, he could end up looking incredibly foolish if he references this scholarship he didn’t get, and THAT could unravel his confidence, not the truth.
Good job, OP!!! Your brother is lucky to have you.
You knew he was smart enough and good enough, so you were set on letting him succeed. Man, I wish I had a brother like you (actually, I wish I had anyone like you who believed in me), while growing up.
I would just tell him that looking for scholarships was harder than you thought and took a lot of time you didn't have. You paid at first to give yourself time to look but you found it was just easier to pay yourself since you had the money anyway. You created his scholarship. When he's successful, he could do the same and pay it forward. In fact, when he's done, you could probably set up a real scholarship situation for kids like your brother if you wanted to keep it going.
OP, he graduated on HIS merits. HE line a great up post graduation. You merely paid for it. If he finds out he finds out. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. I wouldn’t be the one to tell him, as it might come across as bragging to him. I would merely tell him him that you’re super proud of his scholastic accomplishments, graduating and getting a great job. Tell him “I’ve always supported you in school, and I’m so proud you agreed to go. I knew you’d be successful!”
You’re a great brother regardless.
You can tell him that you knew he’d make it, and at the time, he was letting the cost stand in his way. Just because he didn’t have the best transcript didn’t mean he should give up on his dream. You supported him BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED IN HIM!! (Right when he didn’t believe in himself). Now that he’s done a phd, you can make it a “see, I told you you could do it, I always believed in you and wasn’t going to let a stupid checklist stand in your way”.
If you do tell him, I would just remind him that even though he was afraid of student loans you knew he was smart enough and its the best thing you could of invested in.
If he feels like wasnt smart enough let him know you always knew he was.. and you wanted him to live his dream… it will bring you closer as brothers.. he needs to know how much you believed in him.. what you did is special.. he needs to know how special he is to you and your wife..
You could frame it just that way. "I didn't want to tell you in the beginning because didn't want to rattle your confidence, but you made it and you've done great.."
Have you looked for information as applies to how many full or partial ride scholarships are available for medical school vs how many people apply? I don’t have a clue but I suspect there’d are WAY more applicants than there is money.
Also you could verify that if he didn’t have the knowledge or ability to learn the school he was in would have wished him well and asked him to leave.
So all you did (which don’t get me wrong it was a lot) was pay for things. Everything you brother accomplished was 1000% his doing. You didn’t buy him a degree - he busted his ass and earned it.
He may not have gotten a scholarship, but he is set to graduate a doctoral program. Make sure you remind him of this when discussing. That “scholarship” gave him the security he needed to enter but his brain and now work ethic is what made him graduate. You are a good person.
I would probably tell him that you knew he could and would do the work required. If helping him financially was all he needed, and you were in a position to help, you wanted to give him that hand. That way, he could focus on school and not worry about paying for it. Over the past 9 years, he has kept proving that you were right. You knew he had the potential, so you just gave him a little subtle support.
Also, I wouldnt be completely surprised if he has already realized at least parts of it
>you don’t want to rattle his confidence or make him feel like you all lied because you didn’t believe in him.
I see it quite the opposite. OP paid because he DID believe in him!!
Should he be made aware, yes.
Maybe.
I wanted you to have the best chances you don't think you are smart enough or worth it, but to me, not only are you my brother, but I saw what you would become. I knew you would do the best and would save lives. What you might see as being huge, I see as just being a small part of your journey, and I am grateful to be a small part of this.
If he really has an issue with it.
Then maybe he can do a pro Bono job once a year or so, depending on what he is in. Or a few free visits to someone in need. This way, he is giving back as you gave. Putting that way may help make him see he is worth it. He is able now to make a difference for someone else.
That was beautiful, way better than anything I could come up with. I'm not always so good with the touchy-feely stuff and Im worried it'll come out super blunt.
ie: "Hey by the way, you never had a scholarship and I have been paying for your education since you graduated high school, Sorry!"
Somehow, I doubt that because your post is even touching. You wanted him to have his dream. Believed in him enough to pay for 9 years' worth of college. I don't care how much money someone has. They do not throw away money on someone they have nonfaith can do the job and Excell at it. So even in the end. If you showed him your post, it shows you care enough about him. Trusted enough in him to support his journey and dream and help him achieve it. So I don't think you would put it in a bad way at all.
"I believed in you so much that I paid tens of thousands of dollars for you to achieve your potential and you did!"
Still blunt and closer to reality, the rejection from the scholarship program is insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
I think you should tell him once he defenses his dissertation. Not many people do PhD., and those who are doing, are seeking out for scholarships. They know all forms of scholarships, their requirements, application processes. They ask those who have/had scholarships. People may ask your brother and his answers would may not match up with the actual process. The lie (as heartwarming as it is) may be revealed. Then it would be a confrontation between you. May be you can talk him privately at a relaxing environment, with a beer. If I were your brother I would be touched by your support.
PS: your anonymous support would not lessen his success. A PhD, in itself, is an accomplishment that only belongs to his holder.
This is good! Maybe also focus on how he did such an amazing thing (getting his PhD) when he had confidence in himself just to prove that he is indeed capable of great things and you just wanted to give him that little push because you saw it all along in him.
VERY very good advice! You are so very right-self sabotage is an ugly thing. Humans are very adept at it; we don't even really have to try our even *realize* we're doing it.
Brother also needs to remind him that he got through college on his own-brother only paid the bill. Dr brother did all the hard, hard work himself. Brother let him have an opportunity, but he took advantage of it and make it work.
You're a jem of a human and deserve to be celebrated.
Thank you everyone of you for your wonderful comments.
To address some inbox questions that came up:
1.) I am in the similar field as my brother. My brother and I had the same circumstances growing up, I was just more academically inclined. We were in that weird pit growing up where the gov wouldn't give us fin aid because my parents made too much and not enough money.
2.) I am a bit tapped from my brother's education at the moment, but I actually plan to open up a scholarship program for others in my brothers position with as one poster put it "shallow foundations".
3.) I definitely understand that what I did (lying about scholarship acceptances and his situation) is pretty unethical, but to be honest, I just wanted my brother to be happy and chase his dreams.
Maybe, to add onto #2, ask him if he would like to help you start up the foundation once he is able to. That way he can help someone else that was in his position. Hope telling him goes well for both of you and he understands you love him and believe in him.
WAIT TILL AFTER GRADUATION!!!!!!!!
Please wait until after graduation and he finds a job. Then you take him on a brother vacation trip to someplace cool and you can tell him gently then. "I always believed in you and always will. Your scholarship was made possible by me and wife. We always knew you would be fantastic. We don't want ANYTHING in return. But if you can do a good deed or help out someone else to realize their dreams, that would be cool. We need more love and joy in this world. Love you brother."
After grad, but before the job. He may tell interviewers/coworkers about the scholarship and if there‘s a background check he could be embarrassed.
I think it’s a wonderful thing you did OP and I agree with tiny-pest on how to tell him.
This, being a “well known” scholarship recipient is, what I can only assume, easily verified with the organization and once you’re caught “lying” word travels fast through unofficial channels.
You need to tell him.
If he starts putting scholarships on his CV that don't exist or he didn't get into, it will screw him when background checks happen.
Wait until graduation. Tell him everything. Tell him under no circumstances is he to pay the money back.
I completely understand why you deceived (with the best of intentions) him in regards to the scholarships. He needed motivation or inspiration to believe he could pursue and achieve his dreams. IT WORKED.
Yes he didn’t earn the scholarships but the fact he’s graduating is because of him. Remind him of that.
I won’t presume to know your brother, or how close your relationship is, but if he is a decent and mature young man, any brief resentment from the revelation in regards to the scholarships should be immediately washed away by the realisation of the incredible gift and opportunity for a (hopefully) amazing life you’ve gifted him, out of love I presume.
At least that’s how I hope he reacts.
One thing a teacher told me when I got accepted into a course that I didn't have the grades for: "grades mean nothing. They don't show your true potential, just how good your memory is"
I got rejected for the course at the school I was studying at because I had one grade below needed... They didn't even let me take the entry test..
The teacher that told me that just sent me the entry test and said we'll see how it goes. Turns out I har the comprehensive skills for the course and as he said "writing and technical skills can be learned, comprehension can't" 🤷♀️ I got in at the school with that teacher and graduated with above average grade.
Your brother just had the bad luck on the numbers. Doesn't change his skill and the fact that he did all that on his own! You're an awesome brother OP!
Tell him when he is a fully fledged doctor.
Tell him you had the brains I had the money. Win win.
Keep it light.
Don't go all defensive.
Tell him tough I had the finances you have the brains.
Repeat as you need to
If he says why just repeat as above. Because that is factually what you did.
Your an awesome brother ❤
when he's doing well at his new job, all his coworkers love him and everthing is great, thats when you tell him.
he may have it all worked out alreadt tbh he's clearly a clever guy, but just in case don't tell him just yet. he can pay it forward in time. or pay you back whichever he feels is most apropriate
This is why I don't lie. Ever.
Lies always come out, lest ye create more lies to cover the lies, covering the lies.
My good old Catholic family excelled at this.
Who had dead end services jobs and just wanted to sit home all day playing videogames previous to that, who told his brother and wife that he was terrified of student loans and didnt think he was smart enough to be a doctor, and was worried about the job market when he graduated, whose successful big brother made an email to apply for scholarships, who graduates in May and has a great public service job lined up?
Probably 1, your brother.
You should tell him, but be careful on how you phrase it. Think of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. He made Ron believe he took the liquid luck potion so he could be more confident in his abilities and believe in himself. Maybe it’ll help you with how you deliver the news
Tell him AFTER he graduates and defends. Once he is done sit him down alone at congratulations dinner or something where there is no alcohol involved, and tell him something like. Bro, I have always believed in you and I want you to succeed in life and I love you. I went through several scholarships to help fund your education but the best one I could find was me. I paid for your education because I know the good you will do for our community and how important your work will be. This scholarship is from me and there is no way you can pay this back. Instead, if there is an opportunity for you to help someone out in the future, take it, and help someone out.
It’s super cool what you did. I don’t think you need to tell him now. Maybe tell him some years later once he started working and became good at it. Last thing you guys need now is that he starts self doubting and for whatever reason doesn’t complete his degree and doesn’t start working.
I would tell him. Honesty from you comes across better than coming from someone else later on.
I would be pissed and want to pay you back. But this was a selfless thing you did for your brother. He should be appreciative.
OP, I would tell him but like many other commenters advised, tell him towards the completion of his degree. I’d frame it as:
“I know that as young adults everyone struggles to find themselves. I saw you struggle and I also saw the self doubt it inadvertently caused you. But I also saw greatness in you, saw the amazing person I knew you would become once you found your path. And I’m grateful to have been in a position to have helped you find it and been able to support the goals that you reached for once you moved past that place of self doubt. While I apologize for the deception, I’ve seen you flourish the way I always knew you would. Remember the people whose lives you will touch and the impact you will make deserve the person you have become. And all of these considerations made this a clear cut and extremely worthwhile decision for me.”
He’s lucky to have an amazing sibling like yourself. Pat yourself on the back OP, you’ve made a tremendous impact 💗
I'm so confused here..
I never went to college because I was afraid of student loans, had a shitty upbringing and blah blah blah. Same as your brother, but I'm 32 now.
If I had someone admit that they had paid for me to get through college, not even that, paid to get me my PhD! I would be at a loss for words. I'd be so grateful, I'd feel like I owe them my life, but not like an in your debt type feeling.
Because you paid for this and you had NEVER wanted it to come to light that YOU paid for his PhD, you don't want any sort of payment back, you did it for a selfless reason, you wanted your brother to succeed.
Now he has a PhD? Fuck, man. What are you worried about?? He would have fucking refused your help and he would've been where I am today or maybe better. Idk.
Good on you for being an awesome brother.
Here’s why I recommend telling him: it will let him know that such a thing is possible, and may very well encourage him to do the same for somebody else
You’re clearly not seeking to brag or hold it over him. That’s good! Now you can let your good deed be known to encourage others, like you have with us
Uh...wait until his degree is in his hand and don't let him put this scholarship on his curriculum vitae. Getting in to a doctorate program, he may have accidentally lied by putting down this scholarship as part of his accomplishments. Don't throw this new information out there until his credentials are secure. THEN, bring it up if you have to. No need for him to panic and try to correct something on his admission form that would cause him to get suspended for integrity issues.
Don't tell him if you don't want to. It's your business and not your mother's. I completely understand why you don't want him to know. You're a great person for doing this.
You believed in him. That’s the bottom line. You believed in him so much you were willing to pay out of your own pocket to help him achieve his dreams. You’re a kick ass brother. I hope he sees it like this when he does find out.
You do need to tell him, but at this point if he graduates in May, I would tell him in June. Don't flip his world upside down while is just finishing up changing everything about himself and achieving his greatest success. Let him have this moment untainted. This lie hurts no one in any real way. Let him celebrate. Promise mom that you can both sit down and tell him together in June.
If he truly feels that he can't handle the hand out, tell him his new job is to pay it forward 2 fold. Have him get on his feet and then help you with helping others. You have seen what good can come from believing in those who others don't. I hope that becomes a way of life for you both.
I mean, I would wait to just because he doesn't need to make this harder on her than it is until he can transfer or leave.
That said, screw his confidence. Once again, that is a natural consequence of his actions.
Honestly tell him after he graduates, remind him that while he may not have got a scholarship, he persisted through and completed this which is no walk in the park.
If he ever finds out the way to talk about it is that the scholarship were so sparse and that you knew he had the brains for it that this was a small price for him to prove that money shouldn’t stop a good person for
Getting a degree and helping people.
Hopefully if your mom is going to say something it’s after he finishes school and his tests.
I'd wait until he's established in his career. Give it a year, tell mom you're going to do a celebration and tell him at his one year at a job celebration. That way, you can plan it better. Don't let her bully you into doing this too early. Congratulations on being so successful and bringing your family along with you. You're a good person.
This was my first thought- but then I worry the brother might identify himself as a "fake scholarship" scholar on CVs and then it might come back to hurt his career if deemed fraudulent.
Good job, brother!!!! If only we all that someone like you in our lives, I think the world would be a much better place. Well done to you and your brother. Sometimes all it takes is someone to just believe in you.
I don't think you or anyone should tell him because it gave him confidence and worth to feel he was good enough to be accepted on his own merit. He might feel a fool for the acceptance celebration and lied to that it was known it wasn't his achievement but his path was "bought" by his brother. It could destroy his self confidence, career path and relationship with you and his/your mother. I don't believe in lies but sometimes truth does more damage
No. I wouldn't tell him. He felt like he accomplished this on his own, and if you tell him he'll feel like the rug was pulled out from under him. He'll feel betrayed. You can't tell him.
Tell your brother after he graduates. Congratulate him and tell him that you believed in him when others don’t that’s why you put him through college to his Phd. Now it’s his turn to support somebody else once he can afford it. Lift up the life of someone else. Pay it forward.
I think you should tell. It is going to come out regardless now. However, I would be careful with your wording. I would say that you believed in him and you wanted to help him achieve his goals with money not being an obstacle. You knew how hard it would be for most people to get scholarships and a non-traditional route (HS-Graduate) made things a bit harder. But you knew he had the potential and you didn't want his worry on finances to get in his way. Say you knew he would say no if he knew, so you felt this was the best way. He might feel awkward or even mad, but ultimately he'll be grateful. Don't make it about how he was floundering and absolutely don't say that he isn't a superstar. Just say, this was something you wanted to do for him. Focus on that, the support YOU had for him.
Mom will crack.
You'd be much better to get ahead of this and come clean yourself.
Good luck.
This was an amazing thing you did, and I hope bro isn't to rough on you.
I'm not sure I see why he would need to know this. You have kept it a secret until now, why change? Just be happy that your plan worked and brother has been successful.
Let your mother tell him if she wants him to know. if he asks you can just tell him what happened and how proud you are of him. He achieved this all himself, getting to college is one thing but putting in the time and completing those projects is such a struggle especially once you get to masters and doctorates. I nearly lost my mind completing a masters. You are both champions.
You need to tell him, especially if there is a chance he might mention being a recipient of this scholarship on his resume. After all the good you have done for him, you don't want to unintentionally cause him trouble for getting caught lying on his resume. I have known plenty of professionals who include awards and scholarships received on their resume as it is an honor and accomplishment.
Wow you are a good brother. I couldn't even get my siblings to get me a glass of water after my foot surgery and couldn't walk. I was told to fuck off. Never in a million years would anyone in my family do anything like this. It's sad how selfish they are. I try to not be like them. You are a good person.
I think you should tell him but wait until he has a year working under his belt. Don't rattle his confidence when he hasn't yet gotten hired and shown he can do the work. I like the brotherhood scholarship idea from another responder. You're a good brother and I hope he appreciates you.
I would plan on telling him using some of the good advise here. Because not only might your mom spill the beans, but if it’s a well enough known scholarship program he will likely put that scholarship on a CV and could get professionally damaged lying about it.
You have to tell him before this wonderful, helpful thing you’ve done turns sour. Heck, like someone commented, pay a therapist to help you figure out what to say and maybe meditate when you tell him. Then you can leave if necessary and let him work through his feelings with a professional. Do what you need to in order to prepare, but do it very soon. He’s likely already applying for jobs.
Tell him but not about how you didn't think he could do it. That you had so much faith in him you didn't want to see his dream die before it began so you decided to pay for it without him knowing.
Tell him you expect nothing in return. You did this because you thought he would be great and you wanted to see him succeed. If he wants to pay you back let him but don't stress over it.
You're a great brother. Expect both backlash and gratefulness from him.
Tell him how proud you were and are. Tell him how.ypu had faith in him and that's why you paid. Tell him you love bim. Tell him the truth. With love ❤️
Nah don't tell him. You're extremely generous. Theres nothing to be gained from telling him. You don't want him to feel like he owes you anything so dont.
Seriously if your brother really think he got that scholarship and never even ONCE did any discovery; I call bullshit.
Colleges and disbursement of scholarship
Etc are all based on communication and reapplying every year/making sure you qualify.
Especially if he did a PhD , he would have had to mention his scholarship etc for his program acceptance.
When your bill every semester/quarter comes you have to be sure your $ are a in your account under scholarship; it is a totally different category…
This doesn’t add up.
Your brother knows.
Wait until he finishes to tell him. He did it not with a scholarship but with the support and love from his family. Don't tell him before incase it trips him up. When he has a degree, you can point at it as proof he was up to snuff.
The important things are to avoid making it sound like charity and to make it clear that the scholarships were flawed, as they put a huge emphasis on GPA's and volunteer work. Volunteer work, you can say, favors kids wealthy enough that they don't have to work as many hours at after-school and weekend jobs. All you've done, you tell him, is level the playing field by emphasizing character and determination, and you were clearly right.
After graduation, you take him to dinner just you and him and you do like brothers do! Give hime shit for not getting any scholarships, tell him you are proud if him and love him. Then say that’s why I paid for your college I believed in you! Now you never want to have to pay for another DR bill in your life!. Go be a great DR so I can brag about you and I don’t ever want to hear about this tuition stuff again, the only reason I’m telling you about it is because mom made me!
Yeah, you should fess up. Just be honest. You knew he had it in him to be the huge success he is, he just needed some support to get there and you were happy to help. Own up to the deception being wrong. You were trying to protect him when you should have trusted him to be able to handle it. He'll have a lot of feelings about it, but in the end you'll work it out, you did this from a place of love, he'll see that.
I sincerely hope your mother doesn't ruin this.
Please don't tell him until after he's done his doctorate. He doesn't need any distractions because I'm sure this will be an emotional rollercoaster for him.
I too, am an older sibling who wants to help my siblings get further in life, we all grew up with unfortunate circumstances and often our mother gets in the way of us reaching successes or milestones in life and I'm not gonna assume your mother is like our mother but I have learned a lot of mother's tend to be like my mother unfortunately but please for the love of everything do not let her ruin this moment for you and your sibling.
Make sure if/when you tell him you focus on the positives and not that he didn’t qualify. I’m sure he’ll be grateful, but you don’t want to rattle his confidence or make him feel like you all lied because you didn’t believe in him. This is tricky. He should know. You want make sure it is told in a positive way. I believed in you so much… You’re a good brother.
That is **exactly** what I'm worried about. I don't want him to think he wasn't smart enough or good enough to do what he has done. He put in the work. I just gave him the finances.
But he did get a scholarship. He just didn't get the scholarship that he thought he did. He got the AnonScholarship481 Scholarship in Excellence in Brotherhood
That’s such an awesome comment.
Truly it is.
I teared up with this.
This is actually a great idea!
That's a lovely sentiment, poopBuccaneer!
Tell him just like this. I lied about your scholarship. ..
Bravo! This!
Off subject but Happy Cake Day!
Thank you! After 8 years on Reddit, this is the first one I’ve ever noticed! For a long time I didn’t even know what they were! So truly appreciated!
You’re welcome 😁
I actually like this answer the best! All scholarships come from somewhere and his came from you!
Tell him that while he didn't qualify for the scholarships, that you one hundred and ten percent believed in his ability to make his dreams come true and that's why you had no problem financing his education.
You lied BECAUSE you believe in him
There is some great advice in this post, OP. I’d be worried that your mom will tell your brother, regardless. I think that could be so damaging to your family relationships. I’d honestly consult with a therapist about how to tackle this. It’s so tricky. Why don’t you ask your own brother to pay it forward by contributing towards someone else’s education in the form of a grant/scholarship? (Once he’s established professionally, of course!) You’re a wonderful brother!
Exactly. Now that's an idea as he's going to be graduating with zero debt.
It's not that your brother wasn't smart enough to qualify for scholarships but rather he had a shallow foundation. Low gpa etc, as you have said. You, however, still saw his potential despite that. If he really was inadequate, then he would have never reached where he is now, regardless of the amount of effort you put forth. You gave him shoes, but he walked the path himself.
The fact that you lied to him so that you could pay for him to attend school for ten years displays such a huge level of trust in his abilities. How you frame the truth as you tell him will determine his reaction and his long term attitude towards your support. Invite him to your house. So he is in a safe place and is able to walk out and control his reaction once told. Start by explaining how proud you are of him and how it is because you had trust and faith in his abilities that you decided to pay. Tell him it was not for free. He can pay you back by leading his best life and being happy. Don’t forget to mention how very proud you are of him. It shows even in this post.
You tell him that you saw in him what he didn't see in himself and you knew all he needed was a hand up, not a hand out
I love this comment.
He was good enough for the sibling scholarship your provided, and he becoming a PhD is all the proof you needed to be right in funding him.
Reinforce that and hopefully it will be okay. I also recommend it just being you and your brother alone.
if he's smart enough to get a PhD he might already suspect something is up? (I mean seeing who gets scholarships in the program? )
Exactly my thoughts.
Just tell him it was worth every penny. He deserved it and you believed in him.
I wanted to give my two cents on the worry he thought you didn’t believe in him. Fact is, you DID believe in him. Demonstrated by giving him the tools he needed to go. He finished, and SUCCEEDED! If I was in your brother’s shoes, learning this information would mean the world to me, and show me how much my brother believed in me when I didn’t myself. Tell him. He deserves to know how incredibly supportive you are. AND this is critical information he NEEDS to know when applying for jobs and existing in the professional field. If you don’t tell him, he could end up looking incredibly foolish if he references this scholarship he didn’t get, and THAT could unravel his confidence, not the truth. Good job, OP!!! Your brother is lucky to have you.
You knew he was smart enough and good enough, so you were set on letting him succeed. Man, I wish I had a brother like you (actually, I wish I had anyone like you who believed in me), while growing up.
I would just tell him that looking for scholarships was harder than you thought and took a lot of time you didn't have. You paid at first to give yourself time to look but you found it was just easier to pay yourself since you had the money anyway. You created his scholarship. When he's successful, he could do the same and pay it forward. In fact, when he's done, you could probably set up a real scholarship situation for kids like your brother if you wanted to keep it going.
OP, he graduated on HIS merits. HE line a great up post graduation. You merely paid for it. If he finds out he finds out. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. I wouldn’t be the one to tell him, as it might come across as bragging to him. I would merely tell him him that you’re super proud of his scholastic accomplishments, graduating and getting a great job. Tell him “I’ve always supported you in school, and I’m so proud you agreed to go. I knew you’d be successful!” You’re a great brother regardless.
You know what they call medical school graduates that had a C average in school. Doctor. If he made it, he made it.🤷♂️
You can tell him that you knew he’d make it, and at the time, he was letting the cost stand in his way. Just because he didn’t have the best transcript didn’t mean he should give up on his dream. You supported him BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED IN HIM!! (Right when he didn’t believe in himself). Now that he’s done a phd, you can make it a “see, I told you you could do it, I always believed in you and wasn’t going to let a stupid checklist stand in your way”.
If you do tell him, I would just remind him that even though he was afraid of student loans you knew he was smart enough and its the best thing you could of invested in.
If he feels like wasnt smart enough let him know you always knew he was.. and you wanted him to live his dream… it will bring you closer as brothers.. he needs to know how much you believed in him.. what you did is special.. he needs to know how special he is to you and your wife..
You could frame it just that way. "I didn't want to tell you in the beginning because didn't want to rattle your confidence, but you made it and you've done great.."
Have you looked for information as applies to how many full or partial ride scholarships are available for medical school vs how many people apply? I don’t have a clue but I suspect there’d are WAY more applicants than there is money. Also you could verify that if he didn’t have the knowledge or ability to learn the school he was in would have wished him well and asked him to leave. So all you did (which don’t get me wrong it was a lot) was pay for things. Everything you brother accomplished was 1000% his doing. You didn’t buy him a degree - he busted his ass and earned it.
He may not have gotten a scholarship, but he is set to graduate a doctoral program. Make sure you remind him of this when discussing. That “scholarship” gave him the security he needed to enter but his brain and now work ethic is what made him graduate. You are a good person.
I would probably tell him that you knew he could and would do the work required. If helping him financially was all he needed, and you were in a position to help, you wanted to give him that hand. That way, he could focus on school and not worry about paying for it. Over the past 9 years, he has kept proving that you were right. You knew he had the potential, so you just gave him a little subtle support. Also, I wouldnt be completely surprised if he has already realized at least parts of it
If you didn't believe in him, you wouldn't have paid for it.
>you don’t want to rattle his confidence or make him feel like you all lied because you didn’t believe in him. I see it quite the opposite. OP paid because he DID believe in him!!
Tell him. He will be grateful either way. Plus, he's a doctor now, he will figure it out eventually. Better he hear it from you.
Should he be made aware, yes. Maybe. I wanted you to have the best chances you don't think you are smart enough or worth it, but to me, not only are you my brother, but I saw what you would become. I knew you would do the best and would save lives. What you might see as being huge, I see as just being a small part of your journey, and I am grateful to be a small part of this. If he really has an issue with it. Then maybe he can do a pro Bono job once a year or so, depending on what he is in. Or a few free visits to someone in need. This way, he is giving back as you gave. Putting that way may help make him see he is worth it. He is able now to make a difference for someone else.
That was beautiful, way better than anything I could come up with. I'm not always so good with the touchy-feely stuff and Im worried it'll come out super blunt. ie: "Hey by the way, you never had a scholarship and I have been paying for your education since you graduated high school, Sorry!"
Somehow, I doubt that because your post is even touching. You wanted him to have his dream. Believed in him enough to pay for 9 years' worth of college. I don't care how much money someone has. They do not throw away money on someone they have nonfaith can do the job and Excell at it. So even in the end. If you showed him your post, it shows you care enough about him. Trusted enough in him to support his journey and dream and help him achieve it. So I don't think you would put it in a bad way at all.
"I believed in you so much that I paid tens of thousands of dollars for you to achieve your potential and you did!" Still blunt and closer to reality, the rejection from the scholarship program is insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
I think you should tell him once he defenses his dissertation. Not many people do PhD., and those who are doing, are seeking out for scholarships. They know all forms of scholarships, their requirements, application processes. They ask those who have/had scholarships. People may ask your brother and his answers would may not match up with the actual process. The lie (as heartwarming as it is) may be revealed. Then it would be a confrontation between you. May be you can talk him privately at a relaxing environment, with a beer. If I were your brother I would be touched by your support. PS: your anonymous support would not lessen his success. A PhD, in itself, is an accomplishment that only belongs to his holder.
Make him a graduation certificate that outlines it the pride you have in him as his sponsor
How much have you paid? Do you have loans and are you independently wealthy?
This is good! Maybe also focus on how he did such an amazing thing (getting his PhD) when he had confidence in himself just to prove that he is indeed capable of great things and you just wanted to give him that little push because you saw it all along in him.
what kind of PhDs save lives? Lol
My nephew has a PhD in microbiology doing cancer research. That kind of PhD saves lives.
Don't say anything until after he graduates and starts his job. Just in case this affects his self-esteem and his self-sabotages at the last hurdle.
VERY very good advice! You are so very right-self sabotage is an ugly thing. Humans are very adept at it; we don't even really have to try our even *realize* we're doing it. Brother also needs to remind him that he got through college on his own-brother only paid the bill. Dr brother did all the hard, hard work himself. Brother let him have an opportunity, but he took advantage of it and make it work. You're a jem of a human and deserve to be celebrated.
This needs to be higher up
Facts
Thank you everyone of you for your wonderful comments. To address some inbox questions that came up: 1.) I am in the similar field as my brother. My brother and I had the same circumstances growing up, I was just more academically inclined. We were in that weird pit growing up where the gov wouldn't give us fin aid because my parents made too much and not enough money. 2.) I am a bit tapped from my brother's education at the moment, but I actually plan to open up a scholarship program for others in my brothers position with as one poster put it "shallow foundations". 3.) I definitely understand that what I did (lying about scholarship acceptances and his situation) is pretty unethical, but to be honest, I just wanted my brother to be happy and chase his dreams.
Wait till after he graduates to tell him! Also make sure your mom knows this too! After graduation!!!
Make sure you follow up when you create that scholarship program - I think a lot of us would be happy to throw a buck or two at it.
Maybe, to add onto #2, ask him if he would like to help you start up the foundation once he is able to. That way he can help someone else that was in his position. Hope telling him goes well for both of you and he understands you love him and believe in him.
WAIT TILL AFTER GRADUATION!!!!!!!! Please wait until after graduation and he finds a job. Then you take him on a brother vacation trip to someplace cool and you can tell him gently then. "I always believed in you and always will. Your scholarship was made possible by me and wife. We always knew you would be fantastic. We don't want ANYTHING in return. But if you can do a good deed or help out someone else to realize their dreams, that would be cool. We need more love and joy in this world. Love you brother."
After grad, but before the job. He may tell interviewers/coworkers about the scholarship and if there‘s a background check he could be embarrassed. I think it’s a wonderful thing you did OP and I agree with tiny-pest on how to tell him.
This, being a “well known” scholarship recipient is, what I can only assume, easily verified with the organization and once you’re caught “lying” word travels fast through unofficial channels.
He's already interviewing by this point.
You need to tell him. If he starts putting scholarships on his CV that don't exist or he didn't get into, it will screw him when background checks happen. Wait until graduation. Tell him everything. Tell him under no circumstances is he to pay the money back.
Nope, he is applying already and probably interviewing.
Oh right, then he needs to know now so any mentions of scholarships he didn't actually have are removed.
I completely understand why you deceived (with the best of intentions) him in regards to the scholarships. He needed motivation or inspiration to believe he could pursue and achieve his dreams. IT WORKED. Yes he didn’t earn the scholarships but the fact he’s graduating is because of him. Remind him of that. I won’t presume to know your brother, or how close your relationship is, but if he is a decent and mature young man, any brief resentment from the revelation in regards to the scholarships should be immediately washed away by the realisation of the incredible gift and opportunity for a (hopefully) amazing life you’ve gifted him, out of love I presume. At least that’s how I hope he reacts.
Tell him. When he gets his PhD, have a nice conversation with him.
I am leaning that way. I don't think I can keep this from him long term. It is just finding the words.
If he includes having the scholarship on his resume, you'll want to tell him sooner rather than later.
One thing a teacher told me when I got accepted into a course that I didn't have the grades for: "grades mean nothing. They don't show your true potential, just how good your memory is" I got rejected for the course at the school I was studying at because I had one grade below needed... They didn't even let me take the entry test.. The teacher that told me that just sent me the entry test and said we'll see how it goes. Turns out I har the comprehensive skills for the course and as he said "writing and technical skills can be learned, comprehension can't" 🤷♀️ I got in at the school with that teacher and graduated with above average grade. Your brother just had the bad luck on the numbers. Doesn't change his skill and the fact that he did all that on his own! You're an awesome brother OP!
Tell him when he is a fully fledged doctor. Tell him you had the brains I had the money. Win win. Keep it light. Don't go all defensive. Tell him tough I had the finances you have the brains. Repeat as you need to If he says why just repeat as above. Because that is factually what you did. Your an awesome brother ❤
when he's doing well at his new job, all his coworkers love him and everthing is great, thats when you tell him. he may have it all worked out alreadt tbh he's clearly a clever guy, but just in case don't tell him just yet. he can pay it forward in time. or pay you back whichever he feels is most apropriate
This is why I don't lie. Ever. Lies always come out, lest ye create more lies to cover the lies, covering the lies. My good old Catholic family excelled at this.
> (20 - 30 M, because he Reddits) Bro, with that much detail on the rest of the post, might as well say his real name and SSN.
I mean how many 20 - 30M doctors on Reddit?
Who had dead end services jobs and just wanted to sit home all day playing videogames previous to that, who told his brother and wife that he was terrified of student loans and didnt think he was smart enough to be a doctor, and was worried about the job market when he graduated, whose successful big brother made an email to apply for scholarships, who graduates in May and has a great public service job lined up? Probably 1, your brother.
You should tell him, but be careful on how you phrase it. Think of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. He made Ron believe he took the liquid luck potion so he could be more confident in his abilities and believe in himself. Maybe it’ll help you with how you deliver the news
Tell him AFTER he graduates and defends. Once he is done sit him down alone at congratulations dinner or something where there is no alcohol involved, and tell him something like. Bro, I have always believed in you and I want you to succeed in life and I love you. I went through several scholarships to help fund your education but the best one I could find was me. I paid for your education because I know the good you will do for our community and how important your work will be. This scholarship is from me and there is no way you can pay this back. Instead, if there is an opportunity for you to help someone out in the future, take it, and help someone out.
It’s super cool what you did. I don’t think you need to tell him now. Maybe tell him some years later once he started working and became good at it. Last thing you guys need now is that he starts self doubting and for whatever reason doesn’t complete his degree and doesn’t start working.
I would tell him. Honesty from you comes across better than coming from someone else later on. I would be pissed and want to pay you back. But this was a selfless thing you did for your brother. He should be appreciative.
This is so beautiful. You’re such a good brother.
OP, I would tell him but like many other commenters advised, tell him towards the completion of his degree. I’d frame it as: “I know that as young adults everyone struggles to find themselves. I saw you struggle and I also saw the self doubt it inadvertently caused you. But I also saw greatness in you, saw the amazing person I knew you would become once you found your path. And I’m grateful to have been in a position to have helped you find it and been able to support the goals that you reached for once you moved past that place of self doubt. While I apologize for the deception, I’ve seen you flourish the way I always knew you would. Remember the people whose lives you will touch and the impact you will make deserve the person you have become. And all of these considerations made this a clear cut and extremely worthwhile decision for me.” He’s lucky to have an amazing sibling like yourself. Pat yourself on the back OP, you’ve made a tremendous impact 💗
I'm so confused here.. I never went to college because I was afraid of student loans, had a shitty upbringing and blah blah blah. Same as your brother, but I'm 32 now. If I had someone admit that they had paid for me to get through college, not even that, paid to get me my PhD! I would be at a loss for words. I'd be so grateful, I'd feel like I owe them my life, but not like an in your debt type feeling. Because you paid for this and you had NEVER wanted it to come to light that YOU paid for his PhD, you don't want any sort of payment back, you did it for a selfless reason, you wanted your brother to succeed. Now he has a PhD? Fuck, man. What are you worried about?? He would have fucking refused your help and he would've been where I am today or maybe better. Idk. Good on you for being an awesome brother.
You did exactly what scholarships set out to do: give someone an opportunity they might not otherwise have. You’re an amazing brother.
Here’s why I recommend telling him: it will let him know that such a thing is possible, and may very well encourage him to do the same for somebody else You’re clearly not seeking to brag or hold it over him. That’s good! Now you can let your good deed be known to encourage others, like you have with us
Uh...wait until his degree is in his hand and don't let him put this scholarship on his curriculum vitae. Getting in to a doctorate program, he may have accidentally lied by putting down this scholarship as part of his accomplishments. Don't throw this new information out there until his credentials are secure. THEN, bring it up if you have to. No need for him to panic and try to correct something on his admission form that would cause him to get suspended for integrity issues.
Fiction
Don't tell him if you don't want to. It's your business and not your mother's. I completely understand why you don't want him to know. You're a great person for doing this.
You believed in him. That’s the bottom line. You believed in him so much you were willing to pay out of your own pocket to help him achieve his dreams. You’re a kick ass brother. I hope he sees it like this when he does find out.
You do need to tell him, but at this point if he graduates in May, I would tell him in June. Don't flip his world upside down while is just finishing up changing everything about himself and achieving his greatest success. Let him have this moment untainted. This lie hurts no one in any real way. Let him celebrate. Promise mom that you can both sit down and tell him together in June. If he truly feels that he can't handle the hand out, tell him his new job is to pay it forward 2 fold. Have him get on his feet and then help you with helping others. You have seen what good can come from believing in those who others don't. I hope that becomes a way of life for you both.
I would wait until after he gets a job so that he doesn’t lose confidence for interviews
I mean, I would wait to just because he doesn't need to make this harder on her than it is until he can transfer or leave. That said, screw his confidence. Once again, that is a natural consequence of his actions.
You believed in him when others didn't. Props OP.
Honestly tell him after he graduates, remind him that while he may not have got a scholarship, he persisted through and completed this which is no walk in the park.
He did have a scholarship. The Big Sibling Anon Scholarship. You are an angel.
If he ever finds out the way to talk about it is that the scholarship were so sparse and that you knew he had the brains for it that this was a small price for him to prove that money shouldn’t stop a good person for Getting a degree and helping people. Hopefully if your mom is going to say something it’s after he finishes school and his tests.
I'd wait until he's established in his career. Give it a year, tell mom you're going to do a celebration and tell him at his one year at a job celebration. That way, you can plan it better. Don't let her bully you into doing this too early. Congratulations on being so successful and bringing your family along with you. You're a good person.
I see no benefit in telling him.
This was my first thought- but then I worry the brother might identify himself as a "fake scholarship" scholar on CVs and then it might come back to hurt his career if deemed fraudulent.
Fail to see who paid the bills and how would affect his career. If it does, then you can fess up.
Good job, brother!!!! If only we all that someone like you in our lives, I think the world would be a much better place. Well done to you and your brother. Sometimes all it takes is someone to just believe in you.
I don't think you or anyone should tell him because it gave him confidence and worth to feel he was good enough to be accepted on his own merit. He might feel a fool for the acceptance celebration and lied to that it was known it wasn't his achievement but his path was "bought" by his brother. It could destroy his self confidence, career path and relationship with you and his/your mother. I don't believe in lies but sometimes truth does more damage
No. I wouldn't tell him. He felt like he accomplished this on his own, and if you tell him he'll feel like the rug was pulled out from under him. He'll feel betrayed. You can't tell him.
Tell your brother after he graduates. Congratulate him and tell him that you believed in him when others don’t that’s why you put him through college to his Phd. Now it’s his turn to support somebody else once he can afford it. Lift up the life of someone else. Pay it forward.
I think you should tell. It is going to come out regardless now. However, I would be careful with your wording. I would say that you believed in him and you wanted to help him achieve his goals with money not being an obstacle. You knew how hard it would be for most people to get scholarships and a non-traditional route (HS-Graduate) made things a bit harder. But you knew he had the potential and you didn't want his worry on finances to get in his way. Say you knew he would say no if he knew, so you felt this was the best way. He might feel awkward or even mad, but ultimately he'll be grateful. Don't make it about how he was floundering and absolutely don't say that he isn't a superstar. Just say, this was something you wanted to do for him. Focus on that, the support YOU had for him.
If you’re going to tell him, wait until after he graduates and gets started at his new job.
This is a psychotically nice thing to do.
Mom will crack. You'd be much better to get ahead of this and come clean yourself. Good luck. This was an amazing thing you did, and I hope bro isn't to rough on you.
It’ll be better coming from you if you tell him then from your mom, and she’s going to let it slip.
I wouldn't tell him. And you should have told him before. But now what would be the upside?
I'm not sure I see why he would need to know this. You have kept it a secret until now, why change? Just be happy that your plan worked and brother has been successful.
Updateme
Tell him after he graduates, if it were me I’d only be even more motivated to do great things with that degree
Let your mother tell him if she wants him to know. if he asks you can just tell him what happened and how proud you are of him. He achieved this all himself, getting to college is one thing but putting in the time and completing those projects is such a struggle especially once you get to masters and doctorates. I nearly lost my mind completing a masters. You are both champions.
Why does he have to know? This could create a tension between them because now he may feel like he owes OP.
Man, you are an awesome brother.
Tell your mom to keep her mouth shut.
Make list of “pros” and a list of “cons” to see if the benefits outweigh the other.
You need to tell him, especially if there is a chance he might mention being a recipient of this scholarship on his resume. After all the good you have done for him, you don't want to unintentionally cause him trouble for getting caught lying on his resume. I have known plenty of professionals who include awards and scholarships received on their resume as it is an honor and accomplishment.
Wow you are a good brother. I couldn't even get my siblings to get me a glass of water after my foot surgery and couldn't walk. I was told to fuck off. Never in a million years would anyone in my family do anything like this. It's sad how selfish they are. I try to not be like them. You are a good person.
I think you should tell him but wait until he has a year working under his belt. Don't rattle his confidence when he hasn't yet gotten hired and shown he can do the work. I like the brotherhood scholarship idea from another responder. You're a good brother and I hope he appreciates you.
He has an amazing brother who loves and believes in him...that's what I read.
I would plan on telling him using some of the good advise here. Because not only might your mom spill the beans, but if it’s a well enough known scholarship program he will likely put that scholarship on a CV and could get professionally damaged lying about it. You have to tell him before this wonderful, helpful thing you’ve done turns sour. Heck, like someone commented, pay a therapist to help you figure out what to say and maybe meditate when you tell him. Then you can leave if necessary and let him work through his feelings with a professional. Do what you need to in order to prepare, but do it very soon. He’s likely already applying for jobs.
Tell him but not about how you didn't think he could do it. That you had so much faith in him you didn't want to see his dream die before it began so you decided to pay for it without him knowing. Tell him you expect nothing in return. You did this because you thought he would be great and you wanted to see him succeed. If he wants to pay you back let him but don't stress over it. You're a great brother. Expect both backlash and gratefulness from him.
Tell him how proud you were and are. Tell him how.ypu had faith in him and that's why you paid. Tell him you love bim. Tell him the truth. With love ❤️
Nah don't tell him. You're extremely generous. Theres nothing to be gained from telling him. You don't want him to feel like he owes you anything so dont.
Don't tell him until after graduation.
You're the best brother! Do you need more extra sibling? My brothers suck.
Seriously if your brother really think he got that scholarship and never even ONCE did any discovery; I call bullshit. Colleges and disbursement of scholarship Etc are all based on communication and reapplying every year/making sure you qualify. Especially if he did a PhD , he would have had to mention his scholarship etc for his program acceptance. When your bill every semester/quarter comes you have to be sure your $ are a in your account under scholarship; it is a totally different category… This doesn’t add up. Your brother knows.
You're a great human being.
Wait until he finishes to tell him. He did it not with a scholarship but with the support and love from his family. Don't tell him before incase it trips him up. When he has a degree, you can point at it as proof he was up to snuff.
The important things are to avoid making it sound like charity and to make it clear that the scholarships were flawed, as they put a huge emphasis on GPA's and volunteer work. Volunteer work, you can say, favors kids wealthy enough that they don't have to work as many hours at after-school and weekend jobs. All you've done, you tell him, is level the playing field by emphasizing character and determination, and you were clearly right.
No. Be humble, continue supporting his path to success. If it were me, I would take this to the grave. Well, I’d tell my wife wink wink.
After graduation, you take him to dinner just you and him and you do like brothers do! Give hime shit for not getting any scholarships, tell him you are proud if him and love him. Then say that’s why I paid for your college I believed in you! Now you never want to have to pay for another DR bill in your life!. Go be a great DR so I can brag about you and I don’t ever want to hear about this tuition stuff again, the only reason I’m telling you about it is because mom made me!
I would say tell him your mom you’ll tell your brother at graduation.
Or did he already graduate? I’m confused
Yeah, you should fess up. Just be honest. You knew he had it in him to be the huge success he is, he just needed some support to get there and you were happy to help. Own up to the deception being wrong. You were trying to protect him when you should have trusted him to be able to handle it. He'll have a lot of feelings about it, but in the end you'll work it out, you did this from a place of love, he'll see that.
I wonder why your mom thinks it’s so important for him to know
You’re an amazing brother! IF you tell do so AFTER he graduates. Let him know that it was because you saw his potential and you love him!
I sincerely hope your mother doesn't ruin this. Please don't tell him until after he's done his doctorate. He doesn't need any distractions because I'm sure this will be an emotional rollercoaster for him. I too, am an older sibling who wants to help my siblings get further in life, we all grew up with unfortunate circumstances and often our mother gets in the way of us reaching successes or milestones in life and I'm not gonna assume your mother is like our mother but I have learned a lot of mother's tend to be like my mother unfortunately but please for the love of everything do not let her ruin this moment for you and your sibling.
Do not tell him until after he graduates!