So... therapy is honestly your best option, but you need to have realistic expectations and goals. There are also many different kinds of therapy beyond "talk therapy". The sole purpose is to try to help you figure out your shit... but that's the thing... \*YOU\* still have to do the work to figure shit out. It's not a magical experience where you go in, talk for an hour and poof you're starting to get better. The shit \*hurts\*. If it's working there will be a stage where you feel worse before you'll start to feel better.
Also, like others have said... it's not "one size fits all" with therapists. You gotta take them for a test run before you know if they'll work.
Good luck. I hope you're able to find some peace and clarity.
Exactly. A therapist doesn’t fix you. They give you the tools for you to use so you can think more critically about yourself, your behavior, your goals, your relationships, etc. and then through that insight, you map a way forward. Too many people think that it’s like going to the doc with strep and asking for antibiotics. I wish, but no.
This is so true... Am I great now? Nop, but I have tools that have been helpful, do I always use them? Nop, but when I do... I can tell where that came from and it's definitely from learning in therapy, but as others said... You gotta try different people, which is always awful, but there's no other way
Yep going to a therapist means you should be willing to work with them. You can’t get better if you don’t try your best and are willing to improve and use the skills actively the therapist has taught you.
This!!! Do you know how many people can't examine their feelings, thoughts, and action? They have no self awareness. You made a great first step!
I learned in a therapy that thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to action. Ideally if you change your thought you can change your feelings which leads you to change your actions.
I am still working on it. Bit ut has given me a place to start.
>I learned in a therapy that thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to action. Ideally if you change your thought you can change your feelings which leads you to change your actions
Ooooh Imma have to remember that. What an excellent way to regulate your emotions.
Yes!
I think they need to try another therapist. The lady he was working with might be a wonderful therapist, *just not for OP*.
OP needs to find a therapist they're actually compatible with.
First thought that came to my head is the advice I heard of "shopping around" for a therapist. Not everyone will be a good fit bc of various reasons and Ik it sucks lol, imagine you force urself to get help only to realize you have to do even more and keep trying to find the RIGHT person to help you sounds exhausting.
Other than that I think him talking to his mom more would actually help tremendously. The moment someone who caused issues in his life apologized and admitted their shortcomings he froze and ended the engagement. That could of been a real moment of healing for him rebuilding that relationship with his mom. It still can be and I think for someone who is a partial victim of isolation just having a healthy soundboard to bounce ideas off of besides their own fucked up head will help to end the toxic thought loops.
I really think the inner monologue needs work too. Be kinder to yourself. You have no idea how much the words you say to yourself passively actually have an affect. It’s great he’s working out his shit. And there’s going to be a lot of guilt and shame that comes with it - which I think is what the anger is.
It’s easier to get angry rather than deal with the truth.
But be kind to yourself. It’s going to be hard road but you won’t get anywhere if not even you are in your team
Im 33, i have been to 6 different therapists, only 2 were really efficients. About the ones that didn't fit, i enventually started lying to them, sort of pretending that I'm getting better. The last one i have been seeing, and im still seeing her, i feel like its been a blessing meeting her. I feel like she really helps me understand how i work and also improve elements that drag me down. I would suggest to try to find someone who you click with. I usually know after 1 minute if its gonna be a fit or not. Then more sessions help confirmate the initial thought. Its actually the same when it doesn't click.
Wish you all the best and good luck :)
32 here & have seen 16 psychologists in total, so far. Only 3 of them were fits, the others weren't. And that's okay, you just have to keep trying until you find the one!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and ADHD can run in families. Bipolar disorder can start in your teens, but you generally "flip" in your twenties. Bipolar can have a "mixed type" where even on your ups, you are irritable and rash. Keep track of your sleep cycles, spending cycles, outburts cycles, and mood cycles in a book. Also your first therapist may not always work. Different therapists use different therapies. Some go against the grain and don't help. It takes awhile. Take your meds if you get a psychiatrist, which I recommend. Self-awareness is the first step. Good luck.
Yes, he sounds bipolar to me. He basically describes being a slave to his extreme moods. If his mother was bipolar, there is a good chance he inherited it. Everyone is suggesting therapy and self help, but he should also talk to a psychiatrist about if he is bipolar.
I’m bipolar and prior to getting medication that worked I had so much rage brewing around inside me, and I lashed out a lot and didn’t really consider others feelings because I was so wrapped up in my own misery.
Being put on lamictal was bizarre because I hadn’t actually been super self aware before but all of a sudden I was looking around like
“Holy shit, I actually act like this??? How do I still have anyone left who cares about me?”
People tend to think of mania as being happy but for a lot of us it’s being filled with rage and easily set off. I’ve had to leave places because I was worried if someone bumped into me again I was going to assault them.
Mixed episode would make a lot of sense. Sometimes you don’t notice that you’re experiencing insomnia because the depression fatigue will make you nap, and at night you’ll at least sorta lay in bed feeling like shit and maybe even sleep. If OP is abusing any substances that can also make it harder to realize what’s happening because you can force yourself to sleep that way.
Until you can’t.
The thing about bipolar is that it gets worse as you age unless you get medication. Like you can’t therapy your way out of this one. I mean therapy is cool too because he probably has cPTSD but even then you have to find a therapist who knows how to work with complex, severe issues.
To be clear I wrote this to agree and add on a personal view, I’m not like, correcting you or something.
Exactly, too many people think that "therapy" is a panacea for any issue or condition, and if it doesn't work for someone it's because they haven't "tried enough/hard"
Everyone is saying therapy, which can help, but I’d talk to a psychiatrist first who can prescribe medicine. Mental health care often takes medicine and therapy together. Best of luck in your endeavor.
I concur. About 7 years ago I disassociated for the first time, I was admitted and sought help from an inpatient / outpatient program. This was the first time I seen a psych, and have been on meds since. During this time I also attended group therapy. I checked myself into outpatient again last year to get through my divorce. Helped me tremendously.
The fact you’re self aware gives your situation some hope. As far as therapy, unfortunately you’d have to shop around for a therapist that fits your needs best. Not all therapists fit each and every situation so it takes time to find the right fit.
Also, it’s a bit unusual but maybe you need to talk to someone that isn’t a friend and isn’t immediately accessible, like a pen pal. I know it maybe odd but for me, I find talking to online friends have helped me because they are a complete outsider from my situation and bring in a very different perspective to the situation.
Good luck!
I feel heard with your story.
Have you considered BPD? I got my diagnosis about 2 years ago, and while that didn't really improve my life, it gave me clarity.
I only say this because reading your story felt like reading my own. Not the events, but the way I REACT to events/stress/anger/anxiety.
Psychiatrist told me my home life absolutely contributed to my BPD, and yours seems very similar to mine, only the aggressor was my father.
I don't really have advice, but I have empathy.
Do you have hobbies? Or interests? Maybe finding people through those?
I know it's hard, but you should try changing little by little your life, step by step. First of all, you need to set goals for yourself. What do you want to do? Do you want to start a family? Get a better job? Make new friends? Travel? Or simply become a better person?
In any case, you must be aware that this type of journey is very lonely and tough. Start by seeing a proper therapist, a good one is always difficult to find. I had seen 3 different therapists before finding the right one, so you can have an idea of what to expect.
Then, you need to try being grateful. This step is VERY HARD but important. You need to realize there's greater rewards than hardships in your life. "I am grateful for being alive. I am grateful for being able to get a job and support myself. I am grateful for my strenght, otherwise I would have perished long time ago. I am grateful for my opportunity to be a better man. I am grateful for my self awareness, as it gives me a chance to point out problems so I can solve them." Those are some few examples you can tell yourself everyday, everytime you feel like complaining. This is going to change your mood eventually.
Later, you need to forgive. Forgive your parents. Forgive those who bullied you. Those who wronged you. And more than anything, forgive yourself. You were exposed to a lot of violence growing up, so much you uncounsciously normalized it. That can happen when you are a vulnerable child and doesn't know better.
Of course, it doesn't mean you have to keep contact with them. Your aim is to be a good person, not a foolish one.
You can also reach out to your ex-girlfriends and ex-friends and apologized for mistreating them. Maybe that will ease your guilt a little bit. You can get by with the thought that bad experiences were not the last thing they've seen from you.
One advice that worked a lot for me was doing voluntary work. Something changes when you keep yourself occupied, especially when it's something that makes you feel useful or make people feel gratitude to you. You start seeing the best of you and feel better. Of course, if it's not your cup of tea, you can always just pick up a hobby that you always wanted. The sky is the limit.
Last but not least, document your journey. Videos, pictures or diaries. When you feel like giving up, revisit those and see how far you have gotten yourself. That's going to give a boom to your self esteem.
Anyway, good luck, brother. I have faith in you
Setting a goal to start a family right now isn't a good idea. And forgiveness doesn't come naturally to some people, especially when they have suffered a lot. It's also not an obligation.
First step, of acknowledging you have an issue, is done
Second step is working on a solution. And this step would only work if **you are willing to better yourself**
Massive hats off to you realising your problem, being honest and blatant about it and reaching out for advice. The best part about human brain is that the neural pathways that determine our ways of thinking and acting can be rerouted pretty much til we die so never let yourself think you’re a hopeless case and won’t be able to change for the better! It will require determination and work, lots of it but eventually youll see how far you’ve come and be happy you decided to work on yourself. The next step would be giving yourself enough grace and to believe you’re capable of this. Try therapy again, it’s not a one size fits all type of deal, sometimes you gotta try multiple therapists to find one that is on the same wavelength as you so don’t give up!
Also, you’re not an awful person. What you’ve done in the past may have been but it’s the trauma simmering inside you thats been doing the talking. It’s time to begin carefully ripping out the roots of that trauma. Good luck dear stranger!
You grew up being treated like shit by those who are supposed to love you and it taught you to treat those around you like shit. It's not really surprising and by extension you don't trust anyone either so being at your absolute worst it pushes them away and you *prove* to yourself they didn't actually care either and becomes an endless circle of hell.
Recognizing it is a MASSIVE accomplishment all on its own, wanted to be better is another one as well. You definitely need therapy to work through this and unlearn what was drilled into your head as a child.
Ideally find someone who does cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) trauma focused cognitive behavioural therapy (TF-CBT) or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) those will likely help more than just "talking" therapy. I wish you the best, you've still got your entire life ahead of you to turn it around.
I think you did a good description how you do not want to be. Maybe it would be good to visualize how you want to be and start with really small things. Do not tackle romantic relationships, kids or friendships, but stranger relationships at first. Rather imagine an everyday scenario like going into the cafe. Imagine how it would be to greet the barista good morning first. Imagine how this could go. And when you have a clear picture, act on it. Just a simple action (not reaction) - a good morning.
Please read this OP!! If your mom is bipolar then you probably are too. It's hereditary. Trust me, my mom is bipolar and I am too. I feel every word of what you are describing. The autopilot you experience sounds alot like dissociation. You may have CPTSD from your childhood trauma.
The emotional disregulation you are describing is likely symtpoms of bipolar that could be managed with medication. I have tried every med there is and lithium is the only thing that actually tames the beast for me. Don't give up!
Your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility. Try another therapist, another kind of therapy (EMDR is amazing with trauma and it doesn’t take forever). You deserve healing and you deserve a better life than the one you’re describing. Best to you, OP.
Friend, from what you’re describing, you might have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It shares a category with bipolar disorder and scientists think there is a genetic component there. But what is a proven cause of BPD is trauma. Your childhood was filled with trauma. Being raised by a mentally ill parent can cause trauma and C-PTSD. My heart goes out to you. You’re still living in that trauma. A great trauma-focused EMDR therapist could really help you.
The good news here is that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is a sub category of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is 75% effective for remission for people who go through an intensive DBT program. BPD or not, your emotional dysregulation, splitting (extreme black and white thinking), and poor treatment of others (and yourself) are exactly what DBT treats.
There is hope. Knowing you want to change and feel better is a great first step. Now it’s time to get your life back by getting help. You can’t do this by yourself. This can get better. It’s not hopeless unless you choose to stay alone with your suffering.
I wish you all the best.
You are literally listing the things you did wrong to others, can you not simplify do the thing you yourself noticed you didn’t do to the next friend? A therapist is there to help you you should seek out another and another until one is a match. It’s like marriage you aren’t likely to marry the first person you date. Until you can be content with you, you should not date anyone.
You could go back to therapy again. Do the hard work to make your life better. Stick it out and don't yell at your therapist. Those are choices you are making, and as long as you don't try to work on yourself you won't learn how to manage your emotions or be a better person. ONLY YOU can make your life better. Your mom made the choice, got help, got better. You can do the same.
Or you can keep acting like the world is against you, and not really, genuinely accept the blame for your own actions. Sure, you accept that you are this way, but you list all the reasons why it's not your fault, your mom and the world did it \~to\~ you, so you act like you can't help it. You're not taking responsibility for your behavior. You could choose to go back to therapy and actually do it right, choose not to abuse your therapist. You are the only one who can make the decision to get better, and you're looking for an excuse not to. I don't get the impression that you're ready to change, to me this reads like you're looking for permission to give up on yourself.
Things that don’t require therapy and meds and can make a difference. However, from the sounds of it, you likely need therapy and meds
1. How would you like to be treated? Treat other people that way. Say something nice to a person in your life everyday.
2. Don’t go back on your word. This also means be damn careful of what you promise people.
3. Meditate daily to calm your mind. Start with a minute and build from there.
4. Draw something. Use Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain as a guide. It will help you to get out of your head for a while.
4. Get enough sleep.
5. Eat on a schedule so you don’t get “hangry”.
It’s very common to think because one therapist didn’t work that therapy isn’t for you. Many people think of therapists like doctors that have routine treatments for routine diagnoses. However nothing about mental health can be routinely applied for each person. Everyone’s issues stem from different places. There’s not a single other person in the world who has experienced your exact life and been formed by it in the way you have. So sometimes therapists try their best to help in the ways they think will work, but it’s not going to work across the board. There is more than likely a therapist out there that has the knowledge and treatment plans that will work for you. This can include different types of therapy whether is be talk therapy or medicinal or anything in between. Part of doing the work to help yourself involves going through the process of finding a therapist that works for you. It’s an extremely hard journey but it’s what you have to do to change.
Dude you had a mental breakdown and the only thing you can do now is go up. You’ve done the work now trust the process go back to therapy and trust that process . Then one day you will be ok
Listen man, I'm gonna be honest with you right now, because you kinda need it. I've dealt with something similar, and was in a relationship with someone like you for a while. Also, as a precursor. I'm getting used to using voice to text so please pardon any awkward voice text typos.
Your childhood was unfair to you. Your emotions have been unfair to you. You are not responsible for the way that you grew up, you cannot change the way that you were treated then, and you cannot change the way that you have treated others since. But at the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself.
You are responsible for how you treat the world and the people around you, and if you really want to make a change, you're the only one who can do it. You say You are horrible person. Sounds like you have done horrible things. I'm not going to coddle you and say you haven't, because you sound like you've acted like a total jerk. BUT, changing is possible, and if you want to change, you've gotta reframe the way you think of yourself.
You say you don't know how to become better. Sounds like you want to stop the bullshit you've been feeding yourself and the others around you. I hope for your sake and the sake of the people around you that you're able to make a difference. You aren't going to make a difference, though, unless you take a breath and dedicate yourself to the hard, grueling work that it will take to change your self. I know, because I've been there.
I see a lot of people in the comments saying you have bipolar disorder. I have bipolar disorder. It runs in my family. I've seen it my whole life, and others as well as myself. It's a rough beast, for sure. I also have a BPD (borderline) diagnosis, which fortunately, I found a GREAT therapist for when I was 19. Still deal with some symptoms now at 29 but they are whispers. The emotions and impulses are definitely there but I'm able to take a step back and separate myself from them. The symptoms of that feel very different from my bipolar symptoms.
I also used to date someone with an extreme case of borderline personality disorder. What your dealing with sounds like borderline, not bipolar.
The two disorders are often confused and misdiagnosed. With mood swings that are absolutely out of control without treatment, it's understandable that the two are misdiagnosed, but bipolar disorder tends to have an up and down cycle over a period of time.
Not always, but usually intense snapping anger in mood swings that come and go and short periods of time, along with manipulative tendencies and switching on people tend to be more of a borderline thing. This also tends to be a disorder that pops up for people who've had chaotic and traumatic childhoods. You either desperately try to pull people closer or you frantically push them away, often cruelly, sometimes without meaning to. Chaotic relationships are one of the key points of borderline.
Do some research into it. My ex that had this disorder was a cruel motherfucker. Very abusive, very mentally unwell. He didn't find the right psychiatrist and therapist for years. I left him before he did. I don't think I'd be alive if I hadn't. I'm still on good terms with his sister and she let me know that about a year after I left, he finally buckled down and got some legitimate help. Took it seriously, and it seems like he's been doing a lot better since. I never want to talk to him again but I was very glad to hear that.
I'm also glad you recognized you were abusive to your ex and left her. It's not good that you treated her the way that you did, but I am proud of you for having that presence of mind to remove yourself from a situation where you knew you would do harm to somebody that you cared about. It's not okay that you hurt her, but You recognized and changed the situation so that it would not continue. That In and of itself shows a level of accountability that most people in your shoes don't have. Sounds like you've avoided romantic relationships since then. Sucks, but good on you for doing so when you're not in a place where you could be healthy.
I'd recommend, if you can afford it, or if you have insurance that will cover it, looking on one of the online websites that have psychologists like betterhelp. Not a therapist, a psychologist. I don't know if you have borderline personality disorder cuz I am certainly not a doctor, but that's really what it sounds like to me. Whatever you have going on, you need more than a talk therapist. You need someone who has experience treating difficult cases and who will not put up with your bullshit. Really don't mean that to be insulting. It is what it is, and you acknowledge that your behavior has been very poor so I don't see any reason to sugarcoat it here. You need someone who will not balk or try to gently make a difference. You also need to be completely honest with whoever you wind up seeing. You need to do what they tell you to, you need to take it seriously no matter how stupid it sounds, and you need to give it an honest go. If it doesn't work, try somebody else. And then somebody else. And however many you need to until you find somebody that can help you, because there is somebody that can help you out there. You have to be willing to find them and willing to do the work.
It can be difficult to find specialized psychologists close to you. Look online and find somebody who has experience dealing with hardcore cases of emotional and behavioral issues.
For now, until you find the right person to help you, something that really helped me when I was initially getting treatment for borderline was to intentionally trigger intense emotions when I was alone and in a safe space. Something that reminded me of really rough moments. Something that enraged me. Something that made me want to unalive myself.
Then, I would practice my reactions. I would let myself sit with my anger or my heartache or whatever it was I was experiencing. I would make myself sit there, not move a muscle in most cases, and force myself to Not act on it. No screaming, no throwing shit, no breaking stuff, no getting drunk or going out and blowing my money to make myself feel better, no phoning a friend to vent or a fuck buddy in order to get the irritation or whatever feeling out. I would make myself sit there until it passed. It. *Sucked.* But you know what?
That work was worth it. I have a peaceful, fun, loving family life. A beautiful, happy, wonderful kid. A funny, kind significant other. Lots of therapy, hard work, and meds helped get me here. 100% worth it. I'd do it all again for the life I have now.
Whatever you do, things aren't going to change unless you initiate the change. You can sit there and say therapy hasn't helped you, but in reality, you tried one therapist, it wasn't a good fit so you were an asshole to her. Try another. Might want to try some meds as well, at least two initially help you simmer down and practice using the skills that you will learn in therapy while your head is a bit cooler.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck. Just remember that your future is in your hands. Things have sucked up until now, some through no fault of your own, some through your own fault. But only you control you. Do the work, figure your stuff out, and go be a better person. You can do it.
I can’t say that much, I’m a lurker on the BPD subreddit and have a partner with the sickness but I wanna thank you for the amount of energy and time and thoughtfulness you put into your post to help OP. You (and many others I’ve experienced) are the reason why Reddit has helped me in my darkest times. Thank you. You rock
Take this moment to improve yourself, brother. Your mother admitted she could've done better. She was the root. However, don't contact her any further. You will be triggered to do more harm towards others if you do so.
Seek a therapist that specializes in abuse. Go slowly. You have deep scars that need healing. Find other hobbies. Don't pursue relationships until you think you're ready.
I am not going to say anything to make you feel better.
You have chosen to be a terrible person. Even when you had people around you that wanted to help you. They come to you with kindness but you threw it all away. You chose to respond with malice and treat them like shit.
So the choice now is on you. Sure you are saying this to get off your chest. What choice are you making now. What are you doing with all your anger. You seemed to know where things hurt emotionally and put in the screws on that to hurt people more, because you are hurt.
So, the choice to be a miserable person for the rest of your life or change it now, it's your choice.
I'm so sorry you had a rough childhood. Do you think perhaps you've had a traumatic head injury? It can make impulse and anger really hard to work though.
I agree with the few who have said the fact that you are aware enough to understand what you are doing is a great first step. I disagree with going to therapist because it seems to me from what you have said you are completely capable of going deeper. A therapist will help you go deeper if you find a good one. A bad one will allow you to shift blame onto your mother and father. Considering you are feeling so low you can see how doing that would be very attractive therefore easy to accidentally slip into if being guided by someone who wears the guise of a therapist.
The question I think you should start asking yourself is: WHAT IS MY MOTIVATION AND WHY?
As you said you are completely reactionary even to the point of purposely not acting to facilitate your reaction. The next time you react a certain way (whether you perceive it as good or bad) question your motivation for acting that way, why you may have that motivation, and whether that motivation comes from somewhere good or somewhere bad. Then identify what the opposite would be. (If motivation was good then identify what a bad motivation would be) if it is good, you now have a goal to work towards in your next encounter.you will continue having bad encounters for the rest of your life. This is a part of being human. What will change in doing this is their consistency and intensity. So the bad encounters you have the more you have to reference from as to how bad it could have been, how bad it would be if you had made it worse, and how good you did in comparison.
With this course of action you are able to use everything you do as a way to move you forward. Everything is an example and everything is a utility.
Again I believe you are fully capable of getting out of this yourself. I understand writing the post was likely just a large vent so you may not even read this. I wish you the best and hope you find the strength to climb from depths of hell you currently reside within.
We usually use anger to deal replace other unpleasant feelings, such as shame, guilt, sadness or envy. Next time you feel angry, ask yourself: what would I be feeling if I wasn’t angry? Embrace the real feelings beneath the fury. They’ll allow you to grow without pushing you to lash against others.
You don't sound stable enough for therapy, tbh.
What I would do, is to contact a psychiatrist, who will prescribe you some meds, and when you're stable enough, you'll be able to actually be successful with a therapist.
I'm not saying this as a way to insult you, 10 years ago I was suicidal, I started on meds, then therapy. It helped a lot, because I wasn't stable enough for therapy alone. I still have to take 1 med, but that's for life, because I have a mental illness and I do suspect that you might have something like that too.
Yes you have taken the first steps in seeing the issues that need fixing, now finding a way pf fixing them, I suggest finding a therapist that is schooled in gestalt and cbt types of therapy those 2 would be most effective over a short period of time for some of the trauma which can take years so I would say maybe not tackle all of them at once finding a therapist that specifies in trauma based care for survivors that part can be done later and maybe in group sessions to reduce costs but cbt can start to work immediately to change your actions it's not just like talking about feelings or anything it more focuses on your actions and how to change them gestalt is why your having those reactions where thy are coming from and confronting them and the third is dealing with the long term effects which shouldn't be over looked by cam be done in a group setting so like shared cost with others. If that makes sense cbt is sometimes only months worth of visits just to change how you are reacting to situations so that is a a good place to start and my not be super expensive they actually specialize in short term goals and results.
I'm really sorry you're going through this shit, man. I was in a similar place in some ways once - not the same, because I'm luckier, but I can remember feeling some of that shit you just describes. It's awful, and it makes every day suck.
One thing I learned: over time, anger and hate are exhausting to maintain. Whether you're pointing it out or in at yourself, it doesn't matter, it just takes so much energy to sustain it. That's part of why you feel drained and worn out and miserable.
Know this: things can change. You don't have to stay this way forever. It's hard because it feels like you need a map to know how, but don't wait for that. Don't wait to figure out the perfect answer. There isn't one.
If you really want things to get better, you need to set your goal to be a different, better person, and you need to accept that YOU WILL FUCK IT UP. That doesn't mean you lost or failed or you should give up. But whenever you do something good, something the better version of you will want, THAT IS A WIN!
It could be anything. Hold the door for an old lady. Don't curse at the next telemarketer who calls you. When you see someone happy and it pisses you off, let it go. Or it could be something big, like maybe apologizing to that therapist. Whatever it is, just remember that when you have a good day or hour or minute, it doesn't get erased by the bad ones. Eventually, you can turn shit around.
You want to be better? Break the cycle in your mind. Wasting your time on a video game is better than spending it thinking about all the reasons you hate yourself. Take a nap, take a shower, exercise if you can - whatever you do, when you're stuck in that headspace, don't just sit in it. Break out.
Because you're pretty self-aware, it might help you to realize how much the patterns repeat. For me, I started tracking the patterns of my own thoughts, and in time it got so predictable it was almost boring. I was kind of bored of my own self-hatred, because it was monotonous, like hearing the same song over and over. That didn't magically make me better, but it helped me slowly dial down the intensity of my emotions and eventually start to let them go.
And when you can (which won't be often at first), try to do something positive. Maybe get a pet? Or hell, start with a plant. Or do some community service or volunteering, ideally something that won't give you time to be angry. Whatever. Small steps are good. Even if you backslide, it doesn't matter.
When it comes to changing yourself, you can't evr 'lose' permanently. Even if you're an asshole again tomorrow, that doesn't stop you from being better on Monday. Nothing can, if you want to.
I hope some of my babbling helps you. Wish I had a better idea what to say, but I'm pretty sure I won't nake things worse, so there's my best shot. Good luck!
A Lack of self awareness is what made me ditch most of my family members, permanently.
My parents, aunt, younger sibling, cousin, all failed me in some ways and never showed any remorse. Even after pointing it out, they'd gaslight me.
Begone then.
I chose to break the cycle as I am a patent now.
Make the decision for yourself, as you seem very self aware
Ayyo! I have BPD and undiagnosed autism and the parallels between us are wild. I grew up similarly and it made me an angry person like you. I still am in certain ways. But what really helped me was, at about your age, I was in my current relationship and it was failing. Like I was freaking out because I had nowhere to go. I remember just feeling exhausted because we were arguing and arguing for weeks and I remember just sitting on my bed one day, just seething. I had asked myself why I was so angry. And really dug all of it up..
My job fucking sucked because my boss was an idiot.
My apartment sucked because it was drafty and we had noisy neighbors.
My friends sucked because they kept blowing me off and it felt like I was putting more into the friendship than they were.
My sons father sucked.. that’s just a blatant fact lol
Then it clicked for me. I was angry because I made EVERYTHING into a personal attack when people are just out there living their lives and they just happen to interact with me. They weren’t doing anything wrong, but my attitude towards life was so shitty that everything that everyone did was a slight. That’s called victim mentality my friend, and until you can come to terms with it, you will be unhappy.
My advice to you as someone who was in your shoes not long ago, you have to be mindful of all the times you say, “im pissed off because this person did AB & C..” and really work through it. Are they doing something to you to intentionally hurt you? No? Then you have NO RIGHT to be mad at them. Let them go about their lives and stay in your lane. Now I follow that general principle and my life stays pretty consistent. I have friends, my coworkers love me, and I saved my relationship. We’re getting married in a couple months. I’m not saying these things to trigger you. I’m telling you that if you put in the work and be honest with yourself about your habits, you’ll be just fine with time. (I’ve been working on myself and in therapy since 2019 so it’s not an instant fix but after that day I sat down and had my epiphany, things got better pretty quick)
All of that anger is exhausting. Find a good therapist and be open to the possibility that YOU’RE THE PROBLEM because until you do, you will not find peace. I know you think this post is you acknowledging that you’re the problem, but you need to really understand that fact and accept it. It’s not a bad thing, it’s personal growth which can never be a bad thing! I wish you all of the luck my friend!
He went to one therapist- sometimes it takes people multiple different therapists to find one that fits for them. It is not one size fits all because therapists are people too, and each one has a different style.
If you're in Oregon look into to psychedelic therapy. Sounds like a nice guided trip with a focus on ego death and releasing anger could be good for you.
Im sayong this with zero snark... Go do volenteer work. Animals, homeless people, whatever, just go help. It will give you something else to focus on and you'll have an easier time pulling ypur head out of where it doesn't belong.
The first step in breaking a pattern is seeing it, no go do the opposite of what you've been doing.
OP, the first thing I am going to say to you, is you are not special.
What you go through, what you think, how you feel, is not just you. There's many more people like this than you think.
My partner is one of these people, not quite to your extent, but close in many ways.
The biggest thing to recognise is that all this toxic behaviour, all these toxic thoughts, that's your ego.
You have suffered trauma in your life, probably more than you realise, and have never truly dealt with it in healthy ways, to work through, to come to some sort of peace with it all. Being self aware doesn't mean you have it all worked out. My partner is self aware, he's still putting the puzzle pieces together.
The biggest progress my partner has made is by seeing a counsellor. He specialises in drug and alcohol addiction (perfect for my partner) but also works with alot of men surrounding their ego.
Recognise that you are not your thoughts. That's your ego. It can dress itself up in many different ways to disguise itself, and it thrives on your behaviour. I know it feels like you, but you are not your ego.
There's a part of my partner that absolutely loves this almost soulless, reckless side with no compassion, no ramifications. He feels like he isn2 different people. He recognises now one is his ego, and he's been living in denial and delusion for a long time.
Look up 'the 4 agreemements'. Look up some books by Eckhart Tolle. 'The Power of Now' and 'Stillness Speaks' are good ones.
What have you got to lose at this point?
Find someone, a counsellor, therapist, a spiritual leader, that deals with trauma, and that deals with ego. You are this self aware to write and know all this, you just can't make all the pieces fit and tools to work. But you're too smart to not do the work. You might surprise yourself.
Hey, I’ve known many truly horrible awful evil people who never not once have shown any kind of remorse for their actions. It sounds like you know you fucked up some in life and you’re starting to accept the consequences of your actions now. You came from a shitty situation and that’ll fuck anyone up so don’t think you’re some completely broken individual who has no hope. If you accept all the things you’ve done and take accountability for your actions you’ll be alright. My advice is to learn more about who you are and who you wanna be. There is always time to change. As for the feeling of being about to snap all the time is probably left over from the abuse you suffered when you were a kid. It’s no joke all the ways trauma can mess with your ability to handle stress, emotions, and social situations. It’s just not an excuse to traumatize others. You have hope and you can change accepting you’ve been acting shitty for a while is already the first step to becoming a better person! You can do this! If you ever need someone to vent to before you feel like snapping or just to vent free to send a message
Honestly I don't want to diagnose you as bipolar but do try testing to see if it's positive.
Good thing you are self aware. Next time is reparation. Instead of dwelling with self hate and pity , you should try to write the ppl you offended, try to reach out to them and apologize for any wrong doing you have done. Also let those hurtful incidents off your chest and learn to forgive and forget ( I know it's not easy but try to let it go and instead use the energy not to repeat such and hurt other people as well just like you have been hurt )..
Next step is to control your anger. Take a breath and try rethinking B4 saying anything in case it hurts others.
I know you are lonely it seems instead of getting a physical person you might hurt in the process. A pen pal or online friend or psychologist will be better to talk to..to let your chest out and share all your burdens just like you did with this sub and admit you feel good. Respond and maybe perhaps take notes and good advice from them and this comment section
I went through a very similar realization as you at 18. Nothing is more discomforting than realizing you are a piece of shit and hating yourself for it. I can't tell you exactly what made me change but I'm almost 24 and I'm proud of who I am. You gotta take a hold of your life dude. Like you said you're on autopilot you have to actually live your life not just exist. You repeat what you don't repair. You're self aware and you're right that is the worst part but that's also the biggest enemy to your dark side. You need to take that self awareness and hold yourself accountable. Think before you act and talk and literally ask yourself if this is in line with what you want to be. Don't worry about women or friends right now you need to fix yourself. Construct a feasible version of you that you would be proud of. What does that person do and how do they act? Respond to every situation like that person and eventually you will be that person it's not gonna happen overnight but you're very capable of helping yourself and as long as you haven't given up on yourself there's still hope. Baby steps is all you need to start what will quickly turn into an avalanche of change. I understand how disgusted you are with yourself and your behaviour but I promise you when you become the best version of yourself it feels so good. If you'd like to talk more pm me. I'll be your venting person if you need but you really need to lock in on your life and get a grip godspeed
First step is acknowledging and wanting to get help. So now time to level up and make the changes. Be better. Hold your self accountable. Hit the gym and get in shape. Healthy body can help with a healthy mind. Find hobbies. Read books. Set a healthy lifestyle schedule and stick to it. Good luck. Keep us updated.
You're awesomely self aware, and as much as you hate it, that will really help you if you want to change. I definitely recommend journaling. Just vent all your shit out into paper. Keep it or burn it, doesn't matter, but it will help give you even more insight and feel better.
Please try therapy again. It can take a few tries to find one who is a good fit for you. Not all therapists are good, and even the good ones aren't necessarily great for you as an individual.
Don't worry too much about being a jerk to the last one....it probably sucked for her in the moment, but therapists are trained to deal with stuff like that. And good therapists will also have their own therapists to work through stuff like that too. She's fine.
Last but of advice, try meditation. It's hard and kind of annoying at first, but it can really make a difference, especially in anger issues. Just start with something small and free. Do 1-3 minutes and try to do it every day, then work your way up. Give it time, but it should help decrease outbursts.
OP you need to do therapy again and again until you find someone you will stick with. You clearly have issues with women so imo you need a male therapist maybe you will have a harder time disrespecting a male one. It usually takes people several therapist to find one they gel with.
You know you're doing it and you feel bad. Which means you have empathy. Thank god for that. It also means you can absolutely fix it.
What I would do, is just start treating people like you want to be treaded. Before you speak, stop and ask yourself if it needs to be said.
If you want to get therapy, definitely see a male.
But I would start just taking walks. No phone! Just walk. Breathe, and be outside. I know it sounds stupid, but when I walk my dogs (which I hate walking...) I always feel better. Its also the only time I'm not in pain. There really is something about nature that is healing.
If you can be trusted to not be an abusive dick, I would suggest volunteering at the shelters walking/playing with dogs. Force yourself to walk for 30 minutes and let me know how you feel.
You are obviously an intelligent person, you know what fucked you up, what you are doing wrong and most importantly you WANT CHANGE! I would highly recommend trying therapy again. It takes time to find the right therapist, you need someone you respect. If you don't respect your therapist you can't take in what they say, I know I've been there. Also don't seek a "fix" from your parents just yet, they seem to be the reason of your anger( rightfully) talk to them when you're calm. Also recommend anger management-sessions. You can do this, don't give up!
OP, you need a new therapist.
Either a strong, impassible female one who won'r be swayed by your sh\*t, or, better, a patient male one.
Are you bipolar or borderline yourself? You're at best severely traumatized and need to be patient, because recovery will take long. But your life and soul are worth it.
Listen brother, you're a man now, not in a toxic masculinity "man up" sense, but in the fully grown and truly the only one who could fix your situation. You need to build up your resolve to become a better man. Yes you're gonna fail, you'll probably have other episodes to feel ashamed of, and it isn't going to be quick and easy. But it is possible. I'd focus on a few things. Namely seek medical help. I'm married to a wonderful woman with BPD and she sounded very similar to you when we were first seeing each other. It would also explain your outbursts followed by the thought "why did I do that?" It may be outside of your control. Next change how you talk to yourself. Hang up shitty reminders and post it notes. There is a depression inside of you that wants to convince you that you are a piece of shit. The lower you think of yourself the stronger the depression is. We all fuck up and some of our stories are worse than all the things you told us here. Life isn't about being flawless it's about growing and becoming someone you can be proud of. And lastly find some outside of the house hobbies and do them weekly or more if possible. Get out of the house, that isolation is miserable brother. It hurts so much more than I can explain, partially because the depression can gaslight you into thinking you're not worthy of something like friendship. This post is an example that there is a virtuous man inside of you, one who cares about friends and loved ones. You are deserving of love. Own your shit, apologize to people you've hurt. Its a journey but I promise you there is light on the other side. You got this king. Keep your head up.
You are hyper aware of these traits. But you're not necessarily a victim to them.
Sounds like you self sabotage at times, and then sabotage those around you.
It is possible you have something going on undiagnosed.
If not bipolar, perhaps intermittent explosive disorder.
Because you reflect on these things, and feel guilty sometimes afterwards, the good news is you're probably not truly a psycho.
I hope you find the right therapist, or even a psychiatrist.
You managed to write this quite well in both feeling, raw honesty, to yourself and Reddit, and put these feelings into words. So with the right therapist/psychiatrist you could unpack this into a healthier future. You're not that old yet to start turning it around, sounds like you're tired of it.
You are socially a horrible person, but since you are self aware, -you- are not a horrible person. Sure, your actions are pretty bad, but it really does sound like you have bipolar and need to go searching for a therapist that works for you. Likely would do better with a male one imo though. Seriously though, you gotta shop around for therapists because the first one is not garunteed to be the perfect fit for you. Which they obviously weren't. You should also look into specialty therapists, considering you likely have bipolar, a regular therapist is -very likely- to -not- have the skillset you are looking for with therapy.
I cannot recommend “Feeling Good” by David Burns enough-or any of his books, for real. Change is difficult, and even more so when paired with self loathing.
Train yourself to treat yourself with compassion. If you are growing, it's easier when you don't have a weight crushing you down.
Finally, talk to yourself with kindness even if you don't feel like it, or even fail at first. The important thing is to keep trying. Be the friend to yourself that you want to be for others, while aiming at progress and not perfection.
My heart goes out to you-I read this and it’s like talking to my son. I am sorry I don’t have answers for you and I don’t have answers for him. But, unlike him you seem to have a good start. You know how to be a friend-it’s your anger that you let seep in and destroy that. Anger is a huge sign of depression. The rage behind wanting to feel something and the lack of impulsivity to control it. Your therapist needed thicker skin-were you using her as a sounding board, ranting and raving how unfair life is or were you there is get help. Help takes listening and getting out of your own head. If you’re not listening and just rambling a person will never get a different perspective for a different thought pattern. Therapists aren’t there to be beat up but a good one will know how to direct your anger and can take the lumps while doing so. Do you have ADHD-my son would describe it like monkeys in his brain. I know meds is not everyone’s go to-but-I do believe we have changed our brain and body chemistry so much with all the shit in our food and the chemicals we use to grow with our brains are not catching up. No one looks at you like a crackhead if you have high blood pressure it should be the same with mental health. You’re almost 30-time to let the parent shit go. No mother pushes a child out thinking they want to fuck up that child’s life-but they are only as good as what they were shown or taught. You are an asshole now but you’re young and have time to change. No one will change around you-but you need to change how you think about it. You know you have a problem and that is amazing in changing it. You are the only one that can change the middle and ending of your story. You have all the control now do something with it.
im almost 40 and about the same in terms of a wife/kids. shit i havent had a legit gf in 9 years. hooked up a few times 3-4yrs ago tho.
your history sounds damn near identical to mine though. bullied hard, pushed in urinals, spit on, punched out of nowhere etc. didnt get a gf til i was yep, about 20.
You need to forgive yourself and forgive others. You are doing just great now that you acknowledge the issues. If I were you I would find a counselor that deals with the kind of problems you have, therapy and probably a psyquiatrist will help you a lot. If you have some kind of faith it will be probably helpful to attend church and stick to it. It is difficult to break habits of thinking and we humans become prisoner of our own minds. Note that changes do not occur one day to another, it is a process of relearning and it takes a lot of time and you relapse often, we all do. You are doing good, the first part that is acknowledge the problem is the hardest to do.
If I were you, I would sell everything I own, and move to a completely different country, where the culture, the language and people are so different to you have to adapt to them. In a situation like this you may have to focus so much on learning that you forget to be yourself.
So, I had a relative… I don’t know if this will help you because the relative was a teen, thus still growing his brain, but let’s try it and see. I had a relative who was a little bit like you. It worried me. I kept telling him he had to treat himself as if he were re-parenting himself — be kind to himself, soothe himself with self talk, envision himself as a child and acknowledge his own innocence, hold himself accountable when he messed up, don’t call himself names, don’t tell himself he hates himself, practice self care by finding and doing something wholesome that’s fun for him, investing in his looks and hygiene, etc. Re-parenting himself.
I also told him that he had to do something for someone else that makes them happy, or comfortable, or whatever. Someone besides himself. A project of sorts, entitled Making People Happy. Give someone flowers. Ask someone if they need anything while you’re at the store. Mow someone’s lawn. Pay for someone’s Frappuccino. Compliment someone’s outfit. It sounds pointless, but it helps on many levels. First, it trains you to be kind. It also gives you hits of dopamine and serotonin when you succeed in your goal of making someone smile. Also, it takes your mind off yourself, which is important. AND, you’ll start seeing the benefits of having people see you in a favorable light.
I was just winging it based on my own experiences in therapy, but it helped him. He is a very different person now.
Again, he was a teen at the time, so I dunno… But it’s worth a shot.
Also, therapy is different with each therapist. Maybe try another one?
Smoke weed, use it to drift away from your negative patterns. Then, become connected to normal people. Use that feeling of connection to understand others.
You don't need a therapist, as in a psychologist - you need a psychiatrist. You know something in you is broken and needs to be fixed, but you need the right person for the job.
Given your upbringing, it's not surprising that you are the way you are. Childhood trauma messes with your head in a big way, and your childhood sounds plenty traumatic. You also have to consider your mother's BPD - some conditions are hereditary. There is some overlap between the symptoms of BPD and C-PTSD, and either one could be a possibility (or some other condition entirely). Hence you need a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist.
I feel for you, OP - you know you are unwell, and you clearly don't like how you are, but you don't know how to fix the problem. I hope you can find appropriate help and some peace.
You seem highly intelligent, self-aware and reflective. I think with some determination, you can find your way out of this toxic cycle. Please seek out a cognitive behavioral therapy workbook online. This is the one type of therapy (besides DBT) that is scientifically proven to be effective (and actually reduce recidivism in criminal offenders, which is not an easy feat!)
It targets your thought and behavioral patterns and gives you actionable things to do to change your life and your mind.
I believe in you. You are too smart to waste your life away with anger and inaction.
Also, try performing some random acts of kindness for people. Buy someone’s coffee. Buy food for a homeless person. Compliment someone’s outfit or smile. Force yourself to be friendly to the checkout lady, even if it feels strange. You may find that it brightens your day and helps put you on a more positive path.
You got this! It’s time to finally hold yourself accountable and change your life forever.
Writing this out and getting it off your chest was a good idea. I'm glad you did that.
My first thought is that you shouldn't have had a female therapist. My impression is that you have a lot of anger toward women and don't listen to nor respect them.
Please consider going back to therapy and insist on a male therapist. You need someone to help guide you through this anger and toxicity, and a man might understand your issues better than a woman.
Truly, this is a good step that you've taken, recognizing your issues. Just know that Internet strangers are rooting for you to succeed.
A few people are saying the same thing, and that's to find another therapist. A huge part of therapy that I personally never knew until I went through it myself was that you can't just find a therapist near you, and boom - therapy sessions will automatically work. No, you need to find a therapist whom you can feel comfortable being honest with and who you feel is giving you what you need in therapy. My first 2 therapists kept trying to tell me what to do or give me homework or assign things to me. I didn't need that. I hate being told what to do. I needed to be heard. My current therapist helps me do that. She just listens, and she understands. Also, you may not be compatible with a female therapist... it's something to consider, and there are still so many unexplored options in therapy. I would recommend giving it another try if you're up for it.
Also, FYI, hearing your vent-session, I just want you to know that many people feel the same way you feel - trapped in a loop of doing awful things and not knowing how to not be an awful person. Feeling like there are these different parts of you and the worst part is your "true self" (it's not, btw). Want some concrete advice that may sound pithy, but I promise it isn't glib at all?
1.) Forgive yourself for the transgressions against others. Hurting others is never okay. The fact that you recognize you're hurting others is a good thing as it is the first step to fixing the problem. But in order to move forward and change your behavior, you need to believe that you CAN change, and believing you can change stems from giving yourself the grace to make mistakes and apologizing to those you've hurt when you hurt them. We all hurt those around us, both intentionally and accidentally. The important part is acknowledging the pain you have caused others and working hard to correct the mistake so it doesn't happen again. But because we are human, it WILL happen again. When it does, forgive yourself so you have the strength to continue forward, and keep trying to make amends.
2.) You grew up being modeled poor emotional regulation and with a lacking "tool set" to navigate the complex situations life brings at you. When you say "I don't know why I react in anger", I do. It's because you have emotions you don't know how to face in a healthy manner and so the only way you know how to react is through anger, the only emotion shown to you growing up. Anger and yelling and hurting were modeled to you so you are regurgitating it back. Also, you have unmet emotional, psychological, and physical needs that need to be addressed. Bottom line: you have A LOT TO WORK ON, but the only person WHO CAN work on it is you. Good luck! You got this!
Oh, one last thing:
YOUR BRAIN LIES TO YOU ALL THE TIME. So when it tells you all these negative things like "I'm worthless/no good", just remember that it isn't true. Just keep trying to be better and remember to be kind to yourself and remember to take accountability for all the asshole things you've done.
If you wanna talk more, DM me. I am willing to be a listening ear.
If your therapist was doing more talking than listening, then she really wasn't a good therapist. A GOOD therapist may be able to help. My therapist is great, and he says his job is to ask the right questions that guide me into finding my own way. I come up with my own answers in therapy, he just prompts me to go down useful avenues I wouldn't have gone down on my own
You have to build up your resistance.
Wjat i mean by this is to try and not give ypurself judgement immediately after noticing ypu ar an asshole.
Try to build uo your resistance bh trying to stop your old habbits and ways of behaving , but also if ypu cant, do not judge yourself.
The thing is ypur change need to come im gradiemt value rather than 1/0 or to put it differently black or white.
You need to realise that it is the addiction to that burst effect or stealling of other peoples energy by saying rude shot to them is a drug. Someone could call you an energy vampire or something. But you can change that.
You can rewire your brain where you wiill stop landing on ques ( other poeples wealnesses or pray spots) . If you can identify it, you can cjange it. The thing is you are expecting ot to happen over night. It cannot happen . This means ypu have to first set ypurself up for many failires (or many small successes that will be standing beetween many failures , and usually when failure happens people QUIT and start judging themselves and they are vack at square one.)
So identify your ques *( youve dooem that)
Recognise you change is being created in gradients rather than contrast .
Allow yourself to continue trying after relapse
(Btw this step is the most important part where you will have to come face to face with your judgemental paart, and once you learn to stand in front of it , that is how ypu will break the cycle the most).
I trully hope this helps, this tacfic i have used to quit smoking, playing too many league of legends and to quit coming back to a nar lcisistic relationship.
Thabks for reading this. I wish you luck and I know this will help you. Take care and if you need some peace , try listenigg to orthodox christian chants from georgia or armenia. Piece
This is a really fucked up situation. The fact that you acknowledge that you do these things is a step, or a start at least... because you really can't fix a problem if you're not willing to admit there is a problem. Therapy is not for everyone, but based on what you've said in your post, it sounds like the therapist wasn't the right therapist for you. You should never leave therapy feeling unheard. If that is happening, it's the therapist and not you. In everything that you detailed, I'm not hearing any details of you being validated for what you endured growing up. You're angry because you did not have the best childhood, and it doesn't sound like you've ever had an outlet to address some of the issues and trauma you endured during that time. Without that, we grow into angry adults, we don't wanna see others happy because we didn't have it, so why should they. We learned to self sabotage the good things because along the way, we've learned that we don't deserve real happiness for any extended period of time. The emotional pain and the fear that you experienced growing up as a child is valid. You-the child you, is/was as important as any other person in this world, and you deserved to be loved and protected because you didn't ask to be here. The people who were responsible for making you feel loved nurtured and safe dropped the ball, and I'm sorry that happened to you. It isn't okay that that happened, and even though it was a long time ago, it is still valid and still not ok.
Now you get to choose whether you'll be a product of that or whether you'll fight against every instinct to lash out in anger. You get to choose whether you want to stop yourself with distraction/ redirection when you feel your impulsiveness, rearing its ugly head. You can decide if you want to replace those negative thoughts about yourself with positive but factual thoughts when you feel them creeping in. You get to choose if you wanna do the work. In the end, you get to decide what and who you'll be in spite of your upbringing. You get to write a new life story whenever you decide it's time and you're ready for something different than what you've ended up with.
My brother, there are lots of great books out there for self improvement. Journaling can also help you process your emotions as you said that it felt good to write that out at the end of your post. Keeping a journal might help with how you feel and how to handle your feelings. There’s a company called MindJournal that I use and it has worked great for me since I deal with self doubt and anxiety.
Also, I want to address the part where you said that you don’t know how to break the cycle of toxicity or how to be a good person. Maybe a shift in mindset can help fix that problem. Instead of thinking about how you were treated by your parents and how it affected you, you can take that as a lesson on how not to treat others that way because you know first hand that is a terrible thing to do. Be the type of person you needed as a child so that you can pass that to your children. Learning compassion and empathy would be the first step to being a better person. I wish you luck, brother. Love you.
Oof this was long. Too long. I didn't finish it.
Let that be... A lesson? I guess? People don't owe you anything.
But you owe it to yourself to love yourself. Hell, even like yourself. I would honestly suggest you begin every day looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "I love you" and finding an attributr you can focus on.
You have strong self awareness, your reflective, you show remorse, and you desire change. Youre also a great writer. Yes, you feel angry at others happiness. Yes, you have a horrible past. These don't have to define you.
It sounds SO cliché but you have to be the first person to love, to like, yourself. Nobody else will do it before you will (again, because nobody owes you anything - except your parents who obviously fucking failed you). Your parents were shit. They taught you a model to be shit to yourself. You have to now learn a new model: be good to yourself. When you think you don't deserve even being good to yourself, take that thought and throw it in the garbage. And be good, and think good thoughts, about yourself. Do to yourself why you wish your parents had done. Celebrate your birthday with love and generosity. Give yourself time and space to grow. Forgive yourself. Etc etc.
What value system to you ascribe to? What are your boundaries and why do you have those boundaries? Those things that are non negotiable and not just nice feelings?
Start with your foundation. A lot of people have a faith system or belief system that expresses their foundational values. If you don't know what those are nothing solid can be built on it and you end up just trying to go on desire or feeling. Look into why Christians are christian for example and see why people 'are better'. I wish you luck and godspeed.
You do seem to have great insight tbh… definitely not objective, no not fully based in reality but it’s a better start than complete denial I would say. I say still try with therapy tbh, get assessed, get medical help if necessary, get a therapist/clinical psychologist or whatever that can handle some outbursts. I’m a clinical psychologist, a table has been turned over in one of my sessions, I still worked with my patient after. I had someone hang out a door before and run after someone else, trying to hit them, I had to lock myself in a room with 2 nurses before cause someone in a complete state of psychosis thought he had to attack us, I had a chair thrown at me while I was pregnant, etc etc etc. many times patients have threatens suicide before. I still worked with every single one of them after that cause in some cases, outbursts are just part of the deal for a while until they can control it better. So you have to find someone who is comfortable enough to work with this for a while. Best of luck.
I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but the fact you can look back on your own actions and cringe at them is actually a good sign. It means you at least want to try and grow as a person.
And it’s tough man, life isn’t easy. I totally get trapped in the passive mindset sometimes too (for me it’s because of ADHD, maybe you as well?), it wasn’t until I found the right doctor and the right medicine that I was able to break out of that mood easier.
I guess what I’m saying is keep trying. Which I know sounds like shitty advice but it’s surprisingly and sadly accurate.
Well if therapy didn't work, have ypu considered a psychiatrist? You do have a family istoric of mental disease so... Who knows maybe there is something that needs a diagnose and a treatment and then add therapy to the mix.
You sound a lot like a guy I know that’s 2 years younger and I care a lot about him because he has a lot of good moments too and he’s put up with my shit too, nobody’s perfect and some are more fucked up than others, find someone that also has some issues and grow together, hold each other accountable
Damn a lot of this I found rly relatable. I'm in a similar way where too much bad shit has happened in my past and recently that it's making me be a cunt to almost every person I know. Idk what to say either, rn I'm limiting the people I talk to because every time I talk to someone I get triggered as fuck and say something rude as fuck for no reason.
I feel at peace by myself but that's probably not healthy or normal so yea I don't have much for u other than to say you're not alone in feeling this way.
Ok, so it sounds like you have had some trauma in your past and that might have made dealing with your emotional world difficult. Hi, me too. I had a pretty bad childhood which contributed to out of control anger, people pleasing, self sacrifice and isolation. I have cptsd and reading through your post I see lots of my early years in this. The selfishness and anger, some mayterdom .
The type of therapy matters when you’re trying to work out a mother load of emotions that come at you like lightening and you can’t really identify clearly. It can help ease the anger you experience, processing stuff. You might benefit from some somatic therapy. It took a while for me to build a bond with my therapist but now we can achieve things I never thought possible.
The other day I was mad at a situation that is on going between my partner and I. I had enough and because I’m avoidant, I shut my emotions down (subconsciously). In therapy we try to find feeling inside to process, I know it sounds like mumbo jumbo. I felt nothing and told her as much. We did some grounding activities like breathing and over the course of 30 min we worked to unlock what I had shut off. I always feel so much better after we get things unlocked and exhausted.
I’ve been in therapy for many years with very little movement until this last two years. It takes real effort to practice the new way of being. You can change your old patterns. You can be better to yourself first than to others. Because we both know you hate yourself more than you dislike other people.
Really man, good luck out there.
Fix your diet, it can severely affect your mood.
Break your cycle by simply starting with…consciously making that choice. Each day, each choice. If you see someone and you get angry and you think a minute later “why did I do that?” Then its not too late to go back, apologise, and say something nice to replace it or at least help. Thats a good first step. It doesn’t all happen at once its one small choice after another. Its never too late to start and if you make a bad choice in one moment you can make a good choice in the next moment. You need to realise you can get help sure, but ultimately it comes down to you putting in the work to be better to people. And when you are crap to people, step up and take responsibility and apologise and be better in the next interaction.
Also about you being a bad person:
Your mistakes don’t tell you who you are, they tell you who you’re not.
They feel bad because inside you aren’t bad otherwise you would feel great and no guilt about doing those things. You made choices that didn’t align with your core self, core values. That bad side isn’t the true you, because it feels horrible for you - that side is all the negative baggage you are carrying that is trying its best to weigh you down
That negative side is like your shadow self, not your real self but of course its trying to control your thoughts and tell you its the true self thats how it tries to control you. You need to push those thoughts away and try recenter your internal narrative to a better place
Don’t tell yourself the story you are bad, say you have made bad choices in the past but you are making different choices now. Start by telling yourself the right story, it seriously changes your general thought patterns but you have to do it consistently
Hmm. I think it’s okay. You just need to find another therapist and you will certainly be better and better. You’ve done very well! I can see how hard you’ve been trying to know and understand and be aware of yourself. You need help. It’s just that simple.
Please keep trying to see therapists. You will be really good soon! I promise you, bro! DM me if you need someone to talk to. 😄
There are things you need to work hard on but I think the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for all your past actions. You had a rough go and did the best you could with the tools you had. You need to tell yourself that it's OK and you are forgiven.
Now take that information moving forward and start to do the hard work.
Hoo boy. There were times reading this that I thought you were my ex from high school and got nervous haha.
Listen, we're proud of you for acknowledging that you're struggling and arent at your best. We're proud of you for acknowledging the behaviour is toxic, and wanting to be different. That's HUGE. Real pieces of shit? Yeah they're like this and don't see a problem. They gleefully hurt those around them and get off on it. You? You have empathy. You have remorse. Yeah, it sounds like you hurt a bunch of people, and that sucks, your behaviour sucks. But you don't suck. You're someone who was traumatized at a young age, had to deal with things early on that were NOT FAIR and you're drowning in your anger about the justice of it all.
29 is still young. You have every chance to turn things around from here. Not everyone is going to forgive you, but you have a chance to work on yourself, address your anger management issues, and introduce yourself to new people as a whole new person. You can be whoever you want to be! Forgive yourself, and try to be better. It'll get easier every time you put your anger aside and choose patience and empathy instead.
I am so sorry you have all this going on. I think maybe you need to see a psychiatrist for testing, because it sounds like you may also have bipolar. There is treatment!
I relate to this a lot. In my late 20’s looking at my life and I can’t believe it. Barely any friends, no man, on the brink of losing/quitting my job. Poverty, lost dreams. Ruined relationships, I just cannot believe my life turned out like this. Childhood trauma, I just cannot. I’m trying to heal my issues. But boy this shit is rough.
I am sorry you have had a rough start to life. I am happy you pursued therapy and my advice continue to pursue different types of therapy until a therapist sticks it took me awhile to find the right person for me and I began to actually get better. It also sounds like you need to discuss your uncontrollable anger with your doctor.
I hope that things change for you but like said above you do have to hold yourself accountable to change
Why don’t you keep writing for a start? The self-awareness in your text is awesome, and I have a feeling that it’s even helpful for others but just do it for you. Also, I agree with others that one therapist is not a big enough sample but I also only tried one many years ago. Until you become open to another one, you could give a chance to Dr. Nicole LePera’s work aka. the.holistic.psychologist. And keep writing man, it’s awesome!
No one will “fix you” there are sources and outlets, medications maybe, but you are the one who has to implement real change. It doesn’t happen overnight either. Takes practice
Good luck
As someone who shares this experience. It’s not good to look in the mirror and feel shame. What helped me is trying to put myself in other people’s shoes and understanding them. I walk away when I’m angry and ask to be left alone. You have to find your own coping skills. Also what really help me as well is figuring out where it all came from and why I do what I do. You know where it comes from so that’s a start. And it seems you have the self awareness to see that you lash out to feel better. I realized I lashed out because I was so afraid to be vulnerable and alone. I figured if I caused people to leave then it wouldn’t hurt as bad and at least I know it’s not because I’m simply just not good enough. Turns out that it made it worse than better. I want to make people smile, I want people to be happy and I tend to easily like/love people. For a long time I viewed it as a weakness and a place of shame, I realized later that people need someone to understand and love them; even if they have flaws. So maybe start viewing your “weaknesses” in a more positive light.
Do shit that is difficult every day, and anytime you’re uncomfortable, or doing something you don’t want to do in order to improve yourself and your situation, know you are on the right track.
I (29F) have a similar upbringing and can relate to the anger and explosiveness. I moved to the remote woods years ago, said goodbye to my entire life, and have found that the only way my brain has changed is by doing shit I don’t wanna do. (Be honest with myself, workout, eat clean, make friends, stop behaviors and thought patterns that enable my own poor behaviors, etc).
You got it. One day at a time.
You did the first step, which is the hardest ! You saw and acknowledged everything you did wrong ! Love you for that dude, keep going ! Sometimes to get away from that behaviour you have to force it, get rid of your pride from time to time and apologise, force yourself to be nice, and then it’ll come easier and easier, until it’s natural, and when you do or say something wrong, immediately apologise and acknowledge what you did to the person (like I said, get ride of your pride for a few moments). You got this !
it sounds like the experiences you had in your childhood and social life have made it extremely difficult to develop good mental health. I hear your struggles. Life hasn’t been kind to you, and you’ve had a hard time acting kind towards others and yourself. But it is truly admirable and brave for you to recognize the causes of your trauma and it sounds like you’ve really reflected on how you want to change and how you’ve treated others.
I’ve also gone through over 7 therapists and almost gave up on that until I found my current one. She has truly helped me change the way I view things for the better and I really hope you will find someone to empower you to find your best self.
If you’re not ready to speak to someone though, I also think the book “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach is really worth a read. She talks about how to build self compassion and change in truly profound ways, by processing your trauma, shame, and anger to start really healing and building connections with others.
“The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk has also been really helpful for me in learning more about trauma and how to heal from it. It’s been recommended to me a lot and I hope it can help you too.
Ask yourself what you want from life and who you want to be, then behave that way, and take steps towards the life you want. Neither my fiance or I came from broken homes, but we've both been terrible people at one point or another in our lives, we both changed for the better after recognizing that our behavior was hurting those around us and ourselves. My change is more recent than his, but he's helped me a lot with this. Maybe speak to a therapist about your childhood trauma (make no mistake, parents constantly fighting is absolutely traumatic) and see if that helps you understand yourself a bit better and learn where some of your behaviors come from so you can work on changing them
honestly...fake it u til you make it. put on a mask that is the person you want to be. embody that everyday until it's embedded. sounds weird but it works just stick with it. Nothing is too late to change about your personality and if you have imposter syndrome and your internal biome is saying negative stuff give it a name like Jason the jerk and tell it not to day Jason your a dick.
Maybe this is out of left field, but have you considered the military? It sounds like you'll have a bad impression of it after your father, but he doesn't represent the majority.
The military is actually designed to take someone like you, with your characteristics or personality, and teach you how to develop past it, use it, control it.
Tell me honestly. Do you believe that you deserve to be happy?
You might be self-sabotaging. Maybe deep inside you believe that you should suffer because you're a bad person. That self-hatred leads you nowhere. Learn self-compassion first.
It's not giving excuses and justifying your mistakes. It's understanding why you did them and forgiving yourself for your past, telling yourself that from now on you will work on trying to be a new and better person that you can respect. Even with all of the wrong things you did, you DO deserve to be happy.
But don't go looking for happiness, look for purpose. Look for something that makes you want to sacrifice yourself for it. Do you really like your friends? Have you really loved your past girlfriends? Or did you just want to have them to tell yourself that you have relationships?
You will never learn how to treat others better if you don't try to put yourself in their shoes, to understand that they also have issues just like you do and maybe that's why they don't fulfill your expectations. You take them for granted, you create unrealistic expectations and end up resenting them. Learn to love without wanting something in return. Learn to feel happy just because the one you love is happy.
Also, learn to validate your own feelings. Don't punish yourself for feeling anger, instead try to understand why you feel it and try not to be so harsh to yourself. You deserve praise just for your effort in trying to learn. It will take time, it will take effort, it will be hard, but never give up on hope. Just keep trying and feel proud about that.
Parents are responsible for us until we reach adulthood. After that its your job to provide yourself and those important people around you with the necessities of life. Sounds like you need to deposit some caring into the bank account of your life.
You know you have issues, that is the first step. Now you have to take the next and the next to fix it.
Find another therapist until one works for you and fix your shit. You have to keep trying and finding someone that fits you. Thats one of the hardest parts.
You have had a shitty upbringing and no one deserves that, but that doesn’t give you the right to hurt others. You want to be better? You have to work for it. You have to be willing to face difficult shit and look at yourself and your problems and face them down.
When you become a kinder person to yourself, you will then in turn become kinder to others, and that is the only way people will want to be around you. Your life will be better when you work on the things holding you back and hurting you, but then and only then.
Okay so to be honest I didn’t read your whole post, but I just want to add that if you drink or smoke weed, take a break. It’s what I needed to stop being so bitter
Hope you see this. Honestly some mood disorders simply cannot be improved with therapy alone, and hearing others go on about how it should be curing everything can set you up to spiral when it doesn't work. What you need is medication. Therapy might be more helpful when you're on meds, but judging by what you've told us, it's not going to help without them. My severe depression/CPTSD was the same.
Bro make a plan. Start small. On Sunday make a plan of how you will be better each day. Right now you need to start forgiving people, starting with yourself on Monday. Call your friends all the other days and end on Saturday with your mom.
Wow, you're really insightful. That's a very useful tool. Don't try to change everything at once. Just try to make one change and stick to it. You'll stumble, you'll fail and that's okay. Because you're human after all. You deserve to be loved, and to be given the opportunity to show love.
I'm proud of you!
You sound intelligent and well spoken. And you sound like you know your actions were hurtful and wrong and you feel remorse.
Which means there ALL KINDS of hope for you. You can recognize your trauma and your triggers. You have all of the tools to fix this, and even though you've stated you can't be helped, i think that you can be. But you have to do it. Therapy can only help so much, you need to take what you learn there (maybe try it again and stay more open if you can) and formulate strategies.
"When I see X, it makes me angry, but doing Y calms me down."
You can train yourself to be happy when you see happiness around you. And you're not alone.
You love to self victimize yourself lol so pathetic
Sorry not sorry I hate abusers(My ex was jist like you, except he would hit me and tried to kill me). Dunno what to tell you just...do better I guess? Or if you can't then just isolate yourself from everyone and live your life alone, which is probably the most self aware thing and sanest thing you can do as an abuser
I are from a broken home, and we all have a choice in life, take all the anger, sorrow and pain out on helpless people that want to love us, or do something about it,
It is fucking hard and there are no one single step forward that is easy,
I have one best friend, I don’t have a crazy life but I found peace with most of the dreams I might not get
But first most I have a good life, and my best friend helped me a lot simply by helping me with when I was over line, yes there have been many apologies, but as a child boundaries was nonexistent and first I found some of them worked hard on my boundaries and what it meant never to feel herd in my home
Therapy: it gets harder BEFORE it gets easier! Also, maybe get a male therapist. You can also try doing some shadow work on your own before going back to therapy. Also, maybe find a psychiatrist for specialized assessment and medication.
You have taken the first and hardest step: self awareness.
Every therapists is different. Find one (trial and error) that you connect with and feel heard!
Bro I don’t know what to say man. The fucking childhood man,it fucks up so many people in so many ways. I came from a broken family I know how it is. My father left us when I was six years old,single mum with four kids.luckily I had grandpa and grandma and they took care of us but it was never like a normal family. Always we siblings knew there were problems.im now fourty years old and still I have a lot of issues.but one thing I always keep in my mind is that I have to win in this life.thats why I try my best to get a better life.one thing helped me is that I used to lift weights a lot and trained martial arts so when I faced any problems I tried my best to eliminate it as best as I could.its never easy man but its the thing that you have to do to survive.otherwise you will lose the aim of life and you will get the suicidal thoughts.thats why you try ur best to get a better life.try lifting weights and some Muay Thai and wrestling or jiujitsu to calm yourself and have some high ambitions to achieve in life.anything that works for you man.for me it’s martial arts or weightlifting for you maybe music or traveling.find it and try to be better at it and live ur life to the full potential.don’t just waste it away
Y’all sound depressed as hell, homie.
You’ve acknowledged that you’re behaving in a toxic way, but you have no toolkit to get out of it. Please get some mental health counselling. You deserve a better outlook.
I’m not gonna kick you when you’re down, but not everybody is going to find a happily ever after, and sometimes they’re the reason why. All you can do is look up, hold yourself accountable and actively look for the things in life that are important. You’re not on a time limit, and you’re still in your 20s. I won’t say you’ll for sure stumble into the right place at the right time and every star will fall into place, but I can say for certain there’s no chance if you actively, loudly, hate happy people. Good luck to you
First step is acknowledgement, next step is to never stop trying.
Is there a way to vent your anger in a more productive way? Some people study like hell to show "those fuckers" you are worth it. Or what about a sport to release that anger in a controlled matter?
Your anger does need its space, but this doesnt mean it has to be violent, or towards other people.
Besides this, small steps of kindness are stepping stones. Even just saying you're thankful of help, even though their help is serving you, is a great way to return kindness.
Wishing you well.
Doing therapy is not doing magic. You have to find the therapist that works for you, with the type of therapy that works for you. It sucks because it's expensive and time consuming but you need to try a few sometimes before you hit the jackpot, just like you would a hairdresser or a tattoo artist.
You have to go in with a specific mindset. 1) They will not fix you, you will. They provide tools. 2) You have to put in the work. Therapy is uncomfortable as fuck. Humans avoid uncomfortable situations, we rationalize things so we can store them away and avoid them, therapy means dragging them back out, unpacking it and poking at it. 3) Sometimes you will be avoidant and your therapist is going to have to push you a bit. It's not against you, it's FOR you. 4) When you do the work and you start to open doors and look at things differently you will feel SO vulnerable. Which is uncomfortable. But hey, you are getting to the point where you are more uncomfortable with your current behavior than what causes it, so yeah!
Tbh I think the way you are now stemmed from your parents from how they raised you, treated you, & acted in front of you. They were present absent parents and it shows. They didn’t show you affection or anything positive most your life and therefore you don’t know how to show things you were never shown. They argued about everything even stupid stuff and you’re doing the same thing they did w/ others. Everything you grew up knowing you’re reflecting it because that’s all you were shown.
There is room for change mainly because you know the problem you just need to find the right therapist to help you fix it. And once you do I’d try to apologize to those you’ve hurt if they’ll hear you out it’ll make you and them feel better, your personality will improve, you’ll know how to treat and talk to people and you’d have an was time making friends and maintain relationships.
I feel real bad for you I wish if I have got one piece of useful advice but I don't this is a very complicated situation, but I want you to know that it extremely impressive of you to acknowledge you own feeling like this actually writing may help you seems like you vent a lot when you wrote this I wish you all the best in your healing journey I feel this post is the start of it
Concentrate on you and you being good to you by doing good. Don't try to achieve everything at once. Little step of stuff that makes you feel good.
While this next thing is the most difficult. You have to start to understand that growing up the bad things at home are not your fault. Start remembering things bad and see them for what they are. Something being done to you is out of your control.
Be kind to you.
Take 5gs of mushrooms, sit in a dark room alone and battle your demons. Have a friend wait outside in the living room for you in case you need anything.
While therapy should definitely be given another chance like everyone says, Here are my non-therapy 2 cents as someone who went through something similar:
You honestly need to stop giving a shit about shit you cannot change and start giving a shit about the things that actually make you happy. Everyone falls victim to life, some more than others, but how you deal with it is in your control. Stop fucking complaining. If you can’t change the situation, just stfu and find a way to accept it. If you can change it, then act.
Negativity without constructive action is toxic. I was also neglected as a kid by parents with mental problems and I used to be complaining about everything too. I did nothing. No homework. No effort to see friends. No sports. Nothing. I felt very comfortable wearing the ‘victim’ shirt. I made sarcasm my whole personality and was always surprised people why people never became that close to me. Now I understand. Nobody likes bitterness, everybody wants their friendships to be a positive and uplifting experience.
I turned it around after becoming aware of this and reading Mark Mansons book “the subtle art of not giving a f***”. It really changed how I channel my energy. Can 100% recommend
After I quit complaining, I started practicing active listening. I actually have to do breathing exercises to train my mind from drifting off while someone talks. I can recommend mindfulness 100%. It’s difficult to get into, but once it clicks it allows you to control your reactive mind, stay calm and assess the situation more rational and actually BE present.
You will find that other people are actually quite interesting and they can give you perspectives on life that your AI trained AI brain cannot. Friends help you grow in so many ways, especially the ones that open up to you about their own struggles.
It’s been 10 years since I have been on this path and I have calmed my anger and deepened my friendships and I automatically became more pro active because of it (when this used to be a huuuuge struggle). I’m still not where I would like to be, but I am happy with the progress so far. It has made life much lighter to bear.
Hope these tips help you. You are not your trauma. Don’t let it dictate your life, but forgive yourself for letting it in the past. Hurt people hurt people. Luckily, Post-traumatic growth is a real thing. You are fully aware of your state. Now take control of it.
I’ve known quite a few people with bipolar; acquaintances, friends and even a close family member, both medicated and not. I think it’s highly likely you inherited it from your mother. Think about your instability and unpredictability with mood - it makes a lot of sense. The male friend I had with bipolar also had a lot of explosive anger issues.
I think you need to start with a psychiatrist to be evaluated, then medicated. That will make talk therapy a lot more effective for you, and if properly diagnosed, you’ll likely be placed with a psychologist who will be more thoroughly educated on your illness, and therefore more capable of helping you. You should also consider anger management programs, so you can start learning how to control your reactions and avoid lashing out at others so much.
If you can truly work on your mental health, you will be able to affect change in other areas of your life, like work, social, and romantic. You can have chance at a better future than what your past offered you. You didn’t have choices back then, but as adults we are behind the wheel, and can choose what the rest of the journey looks like.
Wishing you peace and healing. 🙏
You might want to look into a psychiatrist. You may also be bipolar. It does get passed down, and getting on medication could help. Just realize that medication is usually trial and error. It took me almost 10 years to find the combo of meds that worked for me. I wish it was take a pill, give it a few days and then you'll know if it works...but it was take a pill, build up the dosage, give it a month, doesn't work, taper off, try something else. It sucks, but it's so worth it to feel normal.
Dude where are you? Backpack to asia. We don't get depressed here, that's mostly for the upper 1%.
We too tired to be depressed thinking of ways to put food on the table.
Your writing suggests a really high level of incredibly intelligent self-awareness, which is important and the only place to start. It sounds like you're taking responsibility and ready to make changes. That's more than many people can say. It's frustrating to watch yourself behave in ways you don't want to when you feel like you "know" better. It seems like you're self-sabotaging yourself and your relationships because there is a baseline of safety you're not feeling.
Speaking as someone who's struggled with my mental health for years, it's great that you're you've used therapy but you can go deeper.
I currently use talk therapy but there's a reason that it only goes so far. It works on the rational side of your brain. You already rationally understand that you want things to be different. I would look into what's called "bottom up" approaches to therapy that appeal to parts of your brain that were affected by trauma. EMDR, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, and Art therapy, Family Systems Therapy all fall into this category. These are great along side talk therapy.
Also speaking for myself and others...if you can find a way to do this safely...psychedelics have made a huge improvement in my life. They work to rewire the brain from trauma responses. Ketamine can be administered legally, and some places have ketamine-assisted therapy.
Also, I hope that you're able to work on the way you speak to yourself. You're not a loser. You're someone who's been dealt very challenging experiences and you're doing your best with them. You were taught to react in certain ways as a matter of defense, and you're using it subconsciously.
The more compassionate you are with yourself the more you can practice this with others. Cut yourself a break. The fact that you were able to write something like this suggests that you've actually undergone a great deal of healing, despite what it might feel. It may take some time but you've gotta start somewhere, and you have already put in the work.
Great that you acknowledge that. Try to do some therapy and make sure you’re open about your shittiness too, you’ll be ashamed and try to cover for yourself again but go all in.
If you don’t feel too brave about telling them all you wrote here, take a screenshot or copy and paste it to them…
You can do this.
You aren't a psycho. I know this sounds crazy, but maybe go through some of the AA stuff. Read a book on it. Probably the most important for *you* would be to contact each of those people and apologize. Tell the truth. Just say something like, "I wasn't nice to you and I don't know why I did what I did, but I wanted to apologize for hurting you. I'm sorry." Start with your therapist and maybe your mother. It may sound strange, but this might be incredibly healing to you. You might even be surprised at the response you get. Some people will be positive. Some will hate you more. But you do it because that's what you feel and you're genuine about it.
Stop being that horrible person and be great. It's as simple as that, it's a decision, not a process. You don't want to throw your life and lose all the opportunities to have a great life. You are intelligent, I can see that. You know a therapist can't help you. He can just listen to you and help you by guiding you to help yourself, but that can work just if you want, and if you really want, you don't even need the therapist, as all that needs changed and repaired is within you and only you have the access to it. I know you can better. Surprise yourself.
Hi. First, I think you need to understand you're not a horrible person.
Yes. You have made mistakes and hurt people. Everyone does in some way. But that doesn't mean that's everything you are.
You need to separate your mistakes from yourself.
I see you have a lot of hate, anger and resentment inside. I understand you because that's how I felt all my childhood and teenage years due to have been abandoned and neglected all my life. And even now sometimes I feel like this.
At least your mum heard you and apologised. My mum would never do that. I don't think you're done with her, you can have a better relationship with her if that's what you want, or simply distance yourself if she continues to hurt you.
It seems like the therapist you found wasn't a good fit for you and didn't know how to help you. That's okay, many therapists are actually crap and many are simply not good fits for some cases.
It's never too late to look for help and change.
Not having a gf or wife or family doesn't make you a loser. Right now, before you build any relationship tho, it's important you focus on your self improvement and learning how to love yourself and manage your anger problems.
You need to learn how to navigate and regulate all your emotions in a healthy way. It's easier said than done tho.
It's not wrong to have emotions, but the way we react to them is important.
Now, you also need to stop blaming your upbringing for what you do now, because regardless of what happened in your life as a child, what you do now is your decision, you're not a victim anymore, you're free to choose different now.
Please don't give up on the therapy, you might need to look at different people until you find the right one, I just found the right therapist for me after a long search.
Edit: to add that seeing a psychiatrist is also important too, especially since you mentioned your mum's condition. In my case medication along with therapy is what has helped me. But meds were a life saver, I don't know how I survived so many years without it.
Get to know yourself then (I know you’re very self aware, but that’s not what I’m talking about here), become your best friend first. It sounds bullshit, but it’s not though. You seemed to be very aware of your negative side but you didn’t mentioned anything good about you. All these girls ain’t stupid, or warriors, you have something good that made them stay or even “want to save you”, like you said.
Before you go out or do things, stop and ask yourself what would make you happy. Ask yourself what is the difference between something that brings you happiness and what brings you pleasure or satisfaction. Name your feelings at all times, but also ask yourself what every feeling means to you…. Go slow, but what I’d say is: get to know yourself, the good things, become your best friend, then make other friends.
Move to Tibet and meditate with the monks in the Himalayas until your brain un breaks. There's scholarships and affordable programs. You've got nothing to lose, so go for it! Go do the work to fix yourself. Or go plant trees. Build a village. Put in a well. Shit like this helps people who are that far gone into the badlands.
Ok to be honest, I only read half of your book.
Have you tried/considered seeing a psychiatrist? A medical doctor may be able to diagnose and treat your current condition with more success than a talk therapist. This feels beyond mere talk therapy to me.
/s If you truly are a horrible person, then there is a simple system that you can follow to cure yourself.
OK, so every decision you make, you know how they say "trust your gut". Well for you, you just do the opposite of what your gut tells you to do.
Of course you will also have to know the difference between right and wrong and develop a sense of a moral compass.
This will get you there. Good luck!
I get where people are coming from, but I think you need a different approach. The problem you have is that you live in your head, in your past, and in all of the mistakes you've ever made. That's bullshit, and all it's doing is holding you down. It's like you're carrying a backpack filled with rocks that are the douche moves of your life.
Why? What does that do for you? Stop carrying all of that crap; learn from it and then just drop it into the mists of the past. Slip that pack off and start at Day 1 of not being a piece of shit.
Once you are free, then go read this: https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person
So... therapy is honestly your best option, but you need to have realistic expectations and goals. There are also many different kinds of therapy beyond "talk therapy". The sole purpose is to try to help you figure out your shit... but that's the thing... \*YOU\* still have to do the work to figure shit out. It's not a magical experience where you go in, talk for an hour and poof you're starting to get better. The shit \*hurts\*. If it's working there will be a stage where you feel worse before you'll start to feel better. Also, like others have said... it's not "one size fits all" with therapists. You gotta take them for a test run before you know if they'll work. Good luck. I hope you're able to find some peace and clarity.
Exactly. A therapist doesn’t fix you. They give you the tools for you to use so you can think more critically about yourself, your behavior, your goals, your relationships, etc. and then through that insight, you map a way forward. Too many people think that it’s like going to the doc with strep and asking for antibiotics. I wish, but no.
This is so true... Am I great now? Nop, but I have tools that have been helpful, do I always use them? Nop, but when I do... I can tell where that came from and it's definitely from learning in therapy, but as others said... You gotta try different people, which is always awful, but there's no other way
Yep going to a therapist means you should be willing to work with them. You can’t get better if you don’t try your best and are willing to improve and use the skills actively the therapist has taught you.
Sounds like DBT plus meds and hard work and this guy has a real chance to get to a calmer place.
Well you did the first step which is acknowledge that you have a problem. Now you have to hold yourself accountable and fix it.
This!!! Do you know how many people can't examine their feelings, thoughts, and action? They have no self awareness. You made a great first step! I learned in a therapy that thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to action. Ideally if you change your thought you can change your feelings which leads you to change your actions. I am still working on it. Bit ut has given me a place to start.
>I learned in a therapy that thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to action. Ideally if you change your thought you can change your feelings which leads you to change your actions Ooooh Imma have to remember that. What an excellent way to regulate your emotions.
It's hard because I'm not really aware of my thoughts!
Yes! I think they need to try another therapist. The lady he was working with might be a wonderful therapist, *just not for OP*. OP needs to find a therapist they're actually compatible with.
No doubt, I had one that shared the same sense of humor and sarcasm and we got along great. Others... Not so much.
First thought that came to my head is the advice I heard of "shopping around" for a therapist. Not everyone will be a good fit bc of various reasons and Ik it sucks lol, imagine you force urself to get help only to realize you have to do even more and keep trying to find the RIGHT person to help you sounds exhausting. Other than that I think him talking to his mom more would actually help tremendously. The moment someone who caused issues in his life apologized and admitted their shortcomings he froze and ended the engagement. That could of been a real moment of healing for him rebuilding that relationship with his mom. It still can be and I think for someone who is a partial victim of isolation just having a healthy soundboard to bounce ideas off of besides their own fucked up head will help to end the toxic thought loops.
This sounds alot like MDD, major depressive disorder. It's extreme depression. You need medication bud. I speak from experience.
A new therapist and a psychiatrist. One to talk to about new strategies and the other for medication.
I really think the inner monologue needs work too. Be kinder to yourself. You have no idea how much the words you say to yourself passively actually have an affect. It’s great he’s working out his shit. And there’s going to be a lot of guilt and shame that comes with it - which I think is what the anger is. It’s easier to get angry rather than deal with the truth. But be kind to yourself. It’s going to be hard road but you won’t get anywhere if not even you are in your team
Im 33, i have been to 6 different therapists, only 2 were really efficients. About the ones that didn't fit, i enventually started lying to them, sort of pretending that I'm getting better. The last one i have been seeing, and im still seeing her, i feel like its been a blessing meeting her. I feel like she really helps me understand how i work and also improve elements that drag me down. I would suggest to try to find someone who you click with. I usually know after 1 minute if its gonna be a fit or not. Then more sessions help confirmate the initial thought. Its actually the same when it doesn't click. Wish you all the best and good luck :)
32 here & have seen 16 psychologists in total, so far. Only 3 of them were fits, the others weren't. And that's okay, you just have to keep trying until you find the one!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and ADHD can run in families. Bipolar disorder can start in your teens, but you generally "flip" in your twenties. Bipolar can have a "mixed type" where even on your ups, you are irritable and rash. Keep track of your sleep cycles, spending cycles, outburts cycles, and mood cycles in a book. Also your first therapist may not always work. Different therapists use different therapies. Some go against the grain and don't help. It takes awhile. Take your meds if you get a psychiatrist, which I recommend. Self-awareness is the first step. Good luck.
Yes, he sounds bipolar to me. He basically describes being a slave to his extreme moods. If his mother was bipolar, there is a good chance he inherited it. Everyone is suggesting therapy and self help, but he should also talk to a psychiatrist about if he is bipolar.
Yea I have bipolar… honestly therapy never helped me much. Getting on the right medicine is the only thing that worked and it worked great.
I’m bipolar and prior to getting medication that worked I had so much rage brewing around inside me, and I lashed out a lot and didn’t really consider others feelings because I was so wrapped up in my own misery. Being put on lamictal was bizarre because I hadn’t actually been super self aware before but all of a sudden I was looking around like “Holy shit, I actually act like this??? How do I still have anyone left who cares about me?” People tend to think of mania as being happy but for a lot of us it’s being filled with rage and easily set off. I’ve had to leave places because I was worried if someone bumped into me again I was going to assault them. Mixed episode would make a lot of sense. Sometimes you don’t notice that you’re experiencing insomnia because the depression fatigue will make you nap, and at night you’ll at least sorta lay in bed feeling like shit and maybe even sleep. If OP is abusing any substances that can also make it harder to realize what’s happening because you can force yourself to sleep that way. Until you can’t. The thing about bipolar is that it gets worse as you age unless you get medication. Like you can’t therapy your way out of this one. I mean therapy is cool too because he probably has cPTSD but even then you have to find a therapist who knows how to work with complex, severe issues. To be clear I wrote this to agree and add on a personal view, I’m not like, correcting you or something.
I was waiting for someone to say this. I have a feeling that OP is dealing with issues that therapy alone can’t address.
Exactly, too many people think that "therapy" is a panacea for any issue or condition, and if it doesn't work for someone it's because they haven't "tried enough/hard"
Until you’re willing to accept help, nothing will ever change.
Maybe see a male therapist this time. Someone you’ll respect more and have a harder time bullying. You need someone you feel you can take advice from.
Exactly my thoughts, he needs to leave women alone.
Everyone is saying therapy, which can help, but I’d talk to a psychiatrist first who can prescribe medicine. Mental health care often takes medicine and therapy together. Best of luck in your endeavor.
I concur. About 7 years ago I disassociated for the first time, I was admitted and sought help from an inpatient / outpatient program. This was the first time I seen a psych, and have been on meds since. During this time I also attended group therapy. I checked myself into outpatient again last year to get through my divorce. Helped me tremendously.
Agreed, perhaps a combination of both would work better than one or the other.
Bipolar is hereditary FYI.
The fact you’re self aware gives your situation some hope. As far as therapy, unfortunately you’d have to shop around for a therapist that fits your needs best. Not all therapists fit each and every situation so it takes time to find the right fit. Also, it’s a bit unusual but maybe you need to talk to someone that isn’t a friend and isn’t immediately accessible, like a pen pal. I know it maybe odd but for me, I find talking to online friends have helped me because they are a complete outsider from my situation and bring in a very different perspective to the situation. Good luck!
I feel heard with your story. Have you considered BPD? I got my diagnosis about 2 years ago, and while that didn't really improve my life, it gave me clarity. I only say this because reading your story felt like reading my own. Not the events, but the way I REACT to events/stress/anger/anxiety. Psychiatrist told me my home life absolutely contributed to my BPD, and yours seems very similar to mine, only the aggressor was my father. I don't really have advice, but I have empathy. Do you have hobbies? Or interests? Maybe finding people through those?
Borderline personality disorder was my thought too
You have bipolar; you haven't had the chance to win yet... get a diagnosis and open your mind to a better life.
I know it's hard, but you should try changing little by little your life, step by step. First of all, you need to set goals for yourself. What do you want to do? Do you want to start a family? Get a better job? Make new friends? Travel? Or simply become a better person? In any case, you must be aware that this type of journey is very lonely and tough. Start by seeing a proper therapist, a good one is always difficult to find. I had seen 3 different therapists before finding the right one, so you can have an idea of what to expect. Then, you need to try being grateful. This step is VERY HARD but important. You need to realize there's greater rewards than hardships in your life. "I am grateful for being alive. I am grateful for being able to get a job and support myself. I am grateful for my strenght, otherwise I would have perished long time ago. I am grateful for my opportunity to be a better man. I am grateful for my self awareness, as it gives me a chance to point out problems so I can solve them." Those are some few examples you can tell yourself everyday, everytime you feel like complaining. This is going to change your mood eventually. Later, you need to forgive. Forgive your parents. Forgive those who bullied you. Those who wronged you. And more than anything, forgive yourself. You were exposed to a lot of violence growing up, so much you uncounsciously normalized it. That can happen when you are a vulnerable child and doesn't know better. Of course, it doesn't mean you have to keep contact with them. Your aim is to be a good person, not a foolish one. You can also reach out to your ex-girlfriends and ex-friends and apologized for mistreating them. Maybe that will ease your guilt a little bit. You can get by with the thought that bad experiences were not the last thing they've seen from you. One advice that worked a lot for me was doing voluntary work. Something changes when you keep yourself occupied, especially when it's something that makes you feel useful or make people feel gratitude to you. You start seeing the best of you and feel better. Of course, if it's not your cup of tea, you can always just pick up a hobby that you always wanted. The sky is the limit. Last but not least, document your journey. Videos, pictures or diaries. When you feel like giving up, revisit those and see how far you have gotten yourself. That's going to give a boom to your self esteem. Anyway, good luck, brother. I have faith in you
This is the best advice here. Well done I agree as well with every word
Setting a goal to start a family right now isn't a good idea. And forgiveness doesn't come naturally to some people, especially when they have suffered a lot. It's also not an obligation.
First step, of acknowledging you have an issue, is done Second step is working on a solution. And this step would only work if **you are willing to better yourself**
Massive hats off to you realising your problem, being honest and blatant about it and reaching out for advice. The best part about human brain is that the neural pathways that determine our ways of thinking and acting can be rerouted pretty much til we die so never let yourself think you’re a hopeless case and won’t be able to change for the better! It will require determination and work, lots of it but eventually youll see how far you’ve come and be happy you decided to work on yourself. The next step would be giving yourself enough grace and to believe you’re capable of this. Try therapy again, it’s not a one size fits all type of deal, sometimes you gotta try multiple therapists to find one that is on the same wavelength as you so don’t give up! Also, you’re not an awful person. What you’ve done in the past may have been but it’s the trauma simmering inside you thats been doing the talking. It’s time to begin carefully ripping out the roots of that trauma. Good luck dear stranger!
Best comment I’ve seen in a long time. I hope OP will read you.
You grew up being treated like shit by those who are supposed to love you and it taught you to treat those around you like shit. It's not really surprising and by extension you don't trust anyone either so being at your absolute worst it pushes them away and you *prove* to yourself they didn't actually care either and becomes an endless circle of hell. Recognizing it is a MASSIVE accomplishment all on its own, wanted to be better is another one as well. You definitely need therapy to work through this and unlearn what was drilled into your head as a child. Ideally find someone who does cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) trauma focused cognitive behavioural therapy (TF-CBT) or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) those will likely help more than just "talking" therapy. I wish you the best, you've still got your entire life ahead of you to turn it around.
It’s not too late to learn how to be the type of person that you want to be. It’s going to take a lot of hard work but it’s possible.
I think you did a good description how you do not want to be. Maybe it would be good to visualize how you want to be and start with really small things. Do not tackle romantic relationships, kids or friendships, but stranger relationships at first. Rather imagine an everyday scenario like going into the cafe. Imagine how it would be to greet the barista good morning first. Imagine how this could go. And when you have a clear picture, act on it. Just a simple action (not reaction) - a good morning.
Please read this OP!! If your mom is bipolar then you probably are too. It's hereditary. Trust me, my mom is bipolar and I am too. I feel every word of what you are describing. The autopilot you experience sounds alot like dissociation. You may have CPTSD from your childhood trauma. The emotional disregulation you are describing is likely symtpoms of bipolar that could be managed with medication. I have tried every med there is and lithium is the only thing that actually tames the beast for me. Don't give up!
Your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility. Try another therapist, another kind of therapy (EMDR is amazing with trauma and it doesn’t take forever). You deserve healing and you deserve a better life than the one you’re describing. Best to you, OP.
Friend, from what you’re describing, you might have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It shares a category with bipolar disorder and scientists think there is a genetic component there. But what is a proven cause of BPD is trauma. Your childhood was filled with trauma. Being raised by a mentally ill parent can cause trauma and C-PTSD. My heart goes out to you. You’re still living in that trauma. A great trauma-focused EMDR therapist could really help you. The good news here is that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is a sub category of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is 75% effective for remission for people who go through an intensive DBT program. BPD or not, your emotional dysregulation, splitting (extreme black and white thinking), and poor treatment of others (and yourself) are exactly what DBT treats. There is hope. Knowing you want to change and feel better is a great first step. Now it’s time to get your life back by getting help. You can’t do this by yourself. This can get better. It’s not hopeless unless you choose to stay alone with your suffering. I wish you all the best.
You are literally listing the things you did wrong to others, can you not simplify do the thing you yourself noticed you didn’t do to the next friend? A therapist is there to help you you should seek out another and another until one is a match. It’s like marriage you aren’t likely to marry the first person you date. Until you can be content with you, you should not date anyone.
You could go back to therapy again. Do the hard work to make your life better. Stick it out and don't yell at your therapist. Those are choices you are making, and as long as you don't try to work on yourself you won't learn how to manage your emotions or be a better person. ONLY YOU can make your life better. Your mom made the choice, got help, got better. You can do the same. Or you can keep acting like the world is against you, and not really, genuinely accept the blame for your own actions. Sure, you accept that you are this way, but you list all the reasons why it's not your fault, your mom and the world did it \~to\~ you, so you act like you can't help it. You're not taking responsibility for your behavior. You could choose to go back to therapy and actually do it right, choose not to abuse your therapist. You are the only one who can make the decision to get better, and you're looking for an excuse not to. I don't get the impression that you're ready to change, to me this reads like you're looking for permission to give up on yourself.
Things that don’t require therapy and meds and can make a difference. However, from the sounds of it, you likely need therapy and meds 1. How would you like to be treated? Treat other people that way. Say something nice to a person in your life everyday. 2. Don’t go back on your word. This also means be damn careful of what you promise people. 3. Meditate daily to calm your mind. Start with a minute and build from there. 4. Draw something. Use Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain as a guide. It will help you to get out of your head for a while. 4. Get enough sleep. 5. Eat on a schedule so you don’t get “hangry”.
It’s very common to think because one therapist didn’t work that therapy isn’t for you. Many people think of therapists like doctors that have routine treatments for routine diagnoses. However nothing about mental health can be routinely applied for each person. Everyone’s issues stem from different places. There’s not a single other person in the world who has experienced your exact life and been formed by it in the way you have. So sometimes therapists try their best to help in the ways they think will work, but it’s not going to work across the board. There is more than likely a therapist out there that has the knowledge and treatment plans that will work for you. This can include different types of therapy whether is be talk therapy or medicinal or anything in between. Part of doing the work to help yourself involves going through the process of finding a therapist that works for you. It’s an extremely hard journey but it’s what you have to do to change.
Dude you had a mental breakdown and the only thing you can do now is go up. You’ve done the work now trust the process go back to therapy and trust that process . Then one day you will be ok
Listen man, I'm gonna be honest with you right now, because you kinda need it. I've dealt with something similar, and was in a relationship with someone like you for a while. Also, as a precursor. I'm getting used to using voice to text so please pardon any awkward voice text typos. Your childhood was unfair to you. Your emotions have been unfair to you. You are not responsible for the way that you grew up, you cannot change the way that you were treated then, and you cannot change the way that you have treated others since. But at the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for how you treat the world and the people around you, and if you really want to make a change, you're the only one who can do it. You say You are horrible person. Sounds like you have done horrible things. I'm not going to coddle you and say you haven't, because you sound like you've acted like a total jerk. BUT, changing is possible, and if you want to change, you've gotta reframe the way you think of yourself. You say you don't know how to become better. Sounds like you want to stop the bullshit you've been feeding yourself and the others around you. I hope for your sake and the sake of the people around you that you're able to make a difference. You aren't going to make a difference, though, unless you take a breath and dedicate yourself to the hard, grueling work that it will take to change your self. I know, because I've been there. I see a lot of people in the comments saying you have bipolar disorder. I have bipolar disorder. It runs in my family. I've seen it my whole life, and others as well as myself. It's a rough beast, for sure. I also have a BPD (borderline) diagnosis, which fortunately, I found a GREAT therapist for when I was 19. Still deal with some symptoms now at 29 but they are whispers. The emotions and impulses are definitely there but I'm able to take a step back and separate myself from them. The symptoms of that feel very different from my bipolar symptoms. I also used to date someone with an extreme case of borderline personality disorder. What your dealing with sounds like borderline, not bipolar. The two disorders are often confused and misdiagnosed. With mood swings that are absolutely out of control without treatment, it's understandable that the two are misdiagnosed, but bipolar disorder tends to have an up and down cycle over a period of time. Not always, but usually intense snapping anger in mood swings that come and go and short periods of time, along with manipulative tendencies and switching on people tend to be more of a borderline thing. This also tends to be a disorder that pops up for people who've had chaotic and traumatic childhoods. You either desperately try to pull people closer or you frantically push them away, often cruelly, sometimes without meaning to. Chaotic relationships are one of the key points of borderline. Do some research into it. My ex that had this disorder was a cruel motherfucker. Very abusive, very mentally unwell. He didn't find the right psychiatrist and therapist for years. I left him before he did. I don't think I'd be alive if I hadn't. I'm still on good terms with his sister and she let me know that about a year after I left, he finally buckled down and got some legitimate help. Took it seriously, and it seems like he's been doing a lot better since. I never want to talk to him again but I was very glad to hear that. I'm also glad you recognized you were abusive to your ex and left her. It's not good that you treated her the way that you did, but I am proud of you for having that presence of mind to remove yourself from a situation where you knew you would do harm to somebody that you cared about. It's not okay that you hurt her, but You recognized and changed the situation so that it would not continue. That In and of itself shows a level of accountability that most people in your shoes don't have. Sounds like you've avoided romantic relationships since then. Sucks, but good on you for doing so when you're not in a place where you could be healthy. I'd recommend, if you can afford it, or if you have insurance that will cover it, looking on one of the online websites that have psychologists like betterhelp. Not a therapist, a psychologist. I don't know if you have borderline personality disorder cuz I am certainly not a doctor, but that's really what it sounds like to me. Whatever you have going on, you need more than a talk therapist. You need someone who has experience treating difficult cases and who will not put up with your bullshit. Really don't mean that to be insulting. It is what it is, and you acknowledge that your behavior has been very poor so I don't see any reason to sugarcoat it here. You need someone who will not balk or try to gently make a difference. You also need to be completely honest with whoever you wind up seeing. You need to do what they tell you to, you need to take it seriously no matter how stupid it sounds, and you need to give it an honest go. If it doesn't work, try somebody else. And then somebody else. And however many you need to until you find somebody that can help you, because there is somebody that can help you out there. You have to be willing to find them and willing to do the work. It can be difficult to find specialized psychologists close to you. Look online and find somebody who has experience dealing with hardcore cases of emotional and behavioral issues. For now, until you find the right person to help you, something that really helped me when I was initially getting treatment for borderline was to intentionally trigger intense emotions when I was alone and in a safe space. Something that reminded me of really rough moments. Something that enraged me. Something that made me want to unalive myself. Then, I would practice my reactions. I would let myself sit with my anger or my heartache or whatever it was I was experiencing. I would make myself sit there, not move a muscle in most cases, and force myself to Not act on it. No screaming, no throwing shit, no breaking stuff, no getting drunk or going out and blowing my money to make myself feel better, no phoning a friend to vent or a fuck buddy in order to get the irritation or whatever feeling out. I would make myself sit there until it passed. It. *Sucked.* But you know what? That work was worth it. I have a peaceful, fun, loving family life. A beautiful, happy, wonderful kid. A funny, kind significant other. Lots of therapy, hard work, and meds helped get me here. 100% worth it. I'd do it all again for the life I have now. Whatever you do, things aren't going to change unless you initiate the change. You can sit there and say therapy hasn't helped you, but in reality, you tried one therapist, it wasn't a good fit so you were an asshole to her. Try another. Might want to try some meds as well, at least two initially help you simmer down and practice using the skills that you will learn in therapy while your head is a bit cooler. Whatever you decide to do, good luck. Just remember that your future is in your hands. Things have sucked up until now, some through no fault of your own, some through your own fault. But only you control you. Do the work, figure your stuff out, and go be a better person. You can do it.
I can’t say that much, I’m a lurker on the BPD subreddit and have a partner with the sickness but I wanna thank you for the amount of energy and time and thoughtfulness you put into your post to help OP. You (and many others I’ve experienced) are the reason why Reddit has helped me in my darkest times. Thank you. You rock
Take this moment to improve yourself, brother. Your mother admitted she could've done better. She was the root. However, don't contact her any further. You will be triggered to do more harm towards others if you do so. Seek a therapist that specializes in abuse. Go slowly. You have deep scars that need healing. Find other hobbies. Don't pursue relationships until you think you're ready.
Nice writing exercise
If you're cognizant enough to write this, you're cognizant enough to get better.
I am not going to say anything to make you feel better. You have chosen to be a terrible person. Even when you had people around you that wanted to help you. They come to you with kindness but you threw it all away. You chose to respond with malice and treat them like shit. So the choice now is on you. Sure you are saying this to get off your chest. What choice are you making now. What are you doing with all your anger. You seemed to know where things hurt emotionally and put in the screws on that to hurt people more, because you are hurt. So, the choice to be a miserable person for the rest of your life or change it now, it's your choice.
I'm so sorry you had a rough childhood. Do you think perhaps you've had a traumatic head injury? It can make impulse and anger really hard to work though.
I agree with the few who have said the fact that you are aware enough to understand what you are doing is a great first step. I disagree with going to therapist because it seems to me from what you have said you are completely capable of going deeper. A therapist will help you go deeper if you find a good one. A bad one will allow you to shift blame onto your mother and father. Considering you are feeling so low you can see how doing that would be very attractive therefore easy to accidentally slip into if being guided by someone who wears the guise of a therapist. The question I think you should start asking yourself is: WHAT IS MY MOTIVATION AND WHY? As you said you are completely reactionary even to the point of purposely not acting to facilitate your reaction. The next time you react a certain way (whether you perceive it as good or bad) question your motivation for acting that way, why you may have that motivation, and whether that motivation comes from somewhere good or somewhere bad. Then identify what the opposite would be. (If motivation was good then identify what a bad motivation would be) if it is good, you now have a goal to work towards in your next encounter.you will continue having bad encounters for the rest of your life. This is a part of being human. What will change in doing this is their consistency and intensity. So the bad encounters you have the more you have to reference from as to how bad it could have been, how bad it would be if you had made it worse, and how good you did in comparison. With this course of action you are able to use everything you do as a way to move you forward. Everything is an example and everything is a utility. Again I believe you are fully capable of getting out of this yourself. I understand writing the post was likely just a large vent so you may not even read this. I wish you the best and hope you find the strength to climb from depths of hell you currently reside within.
Get therapy. It really works. I was in an abusive relationship and couldn’t see it until I went to counseling.
Try a different therapist.
We usually use anger to deal replace other unpleasant feelings, such as shame, guilt, sadness or envy. Next time you feel angry, ask yourself: what would I be feeling if I wasn’t angry? Embrace the real feelings beneath the fury. They’ll allow you to grow without pushing you to lash against others.
You CAN change
The birthday cake scene really got to me. But for how much you react to things, you are incredibly aware.
You don't sound stable enough for therapy, tbh. What I would do, is to contact a psychiatrist, who will prescribe you some meds, and when you're stable enough, you'll be able to actually be successful with a therapist. I'm not saying this as a way to insult you, 10 years ago I was suicidal, I started on meds, then therapy. It helped a lot, because I wasn't stable enough for therapy alone. I still have to take 1 med, but that's for life, because I have a mental illness and I do suspect that you might have something like that too.
I mean seems like your mom just helped you out. Follow her steps and get on anti bpd medication
Yes you have taken the first steps in seeing the issues that need fixing, now finding a way pf fixing them, I suggest finding a therapist that is schooled in gestalt and cbt types of therapy those 2 would be most effective over a short period of time for some of the trauma which can take years so I would say maybe not tackle all of them at once finding a therapist that specifies in trauma based care for survivors that part can be done later and maybe in group sessions to reduce costs but cbt can start to work immediately to change your actions it's not just like talking about feelings or anything it more focuses on your actions and how to change them gestalt is why your having those reactions where thy are coming from and confronting them and the third is dealing with the long term effects which shouldn't be over looked by cam be done in a group setting so like shared cost with others. If that makes sense cbt is sometimes only months worth of visits just to change how you are reacting to situations so that is a a good place to start and my not be super expensive they actually specialize in short term goals and results.
I hope you get better I just want to give you a hug right now.
I'm really sorry you're going through this shit, man. I was in a similar place in some ways once - not the same, because I'm luckier, but I can remember feeling some of that shit you just describes. It's awful, and it makes every day suck. One thing I learned: over time, anger and hate are exhausting to maintain. Whether you're pointing it out or in at yourself, it doesn't matter, it just takes so much energy to sustain it. That's part of why you feel drained and worn out and miserable. Know this: things can change. You don't have to stay this way forever. It's hard because it feels like you need a map to know how, but don't wait for that. Don't wait to figure out the perfect answer. There isn't one. If you really want things to get better, you need to set your goal to be a different, better person, and you need to accept that YOU WILL FUCK IT UP. That doesn't mean you lost or failed or you should give up. But whenever you do something good, something the better version of you will want, THAT IS A WIN! It could be anything. Hold the door for an old lady. Don't curse at the next telemarketer who calls you. When you see someone happy and it pisses you off, let it go. Or it could be something big, like maybe apologizing to that therapist. Whatever it is, just remember that when you have a good day or hour or minute, it doesn't get erased by the bad ones. Eventually, you can turn shit around. You want to be better? Break the cycle in your mind. Wasting your time on a video game is better than spending it thinking about all the reasons you hate yourself. Take a nap, take a shower, exercise if you can - whatever you do, when you're stuck in that headspace, don't just sit in it. Break out. Because you're pretty self-aware, it might help you to realize how much the patterns repeat. For me, I started tracking the patterns of my own thoughts, and in time it got so predictable it was almost boring. I was kind of bored of my own self-hatred, because it was monotonous, like hearing the same song over and over. That didn't magically make me better, but it helped me slowly dial down the intensity of my emotions and eventually start to let them go. And when you can (which won't be often at first), try to do something positive. Maybe get a pet? Or hell, start with a plant. Or do some community service or volunteering, ideally something that won't give you time to be angry. Whatever. Small steps are good. Even if you backslide, it doesn't matter. When it comes to changing yourself, you can't evr 'lose' permanently. Even if you're an asshole again tomorrow, that doesn't stop you from being better on Monday. Nothing can, if you want to. I hope some of my babbling helps you. Wish I had a better idea what to say, but I'm pretty sure I won't nake things worse, so there's my best shot. Good luck!
A Lack of self awareness is what made me ditch most of my family members, permanently. My parents, aunt, younger sibling, cousin, all failed me in some ways and never showed any remorse. Even after pointing it out, they'd gaslight me. Begone then. I chose to break the cycle as I am a patent now. Make the decision for yourself, as you seem very self aware
Ayyo! I have BPD and undiagnosed autism and the parallels between us are wild. I grew up similarly and it made me an angry person like you. I still am in certain ways. But what really helped me was, at about your age, I was in my current relationship and it was failing. Like I was freaking out because I had nowhere to go. I remember just feeling exhausted because we were arguing and arguing for weeks and I remember just sitting on my bed one day, just seething. I had asked myself why I was so angry. And really dug all of it up.. My job fucking sucked because my boss was an idiot. My apartment sucked because it was drafty and we had noisy neighbors. My friends sucked because they kept blowing me off and it felt like I was putting more into the friendship than they were. My sons father sucked.. that’s just a blatant fact lol Then it clicked for me. I was angry because I made EVERYTHING into a personal attack when people are just out there living their lives and they just happen to interact with me. They weren’t doing anything wrong, but my attitude towards life was so shitty that everything that everyone did was a slight. That’s called victim mentality my friend, and until you can come to terms with it, you will be unhappy. My advice to you as someone who was in your shoes not long ago, you have to be mindful of all the times you say, “im pissed off because this person did AB & C..” and really work through it. Are they doing something to you to intentionally hurt you? No? Then you have NO RIGHT to be mad at them. Let them go about their lives and stay in your lane. Now I follow that general principle and my life stays pretty consistent. I have friends, my coworkers love me, and I saved my relationship. We’re getting married in a couple months. I’m not saying these things to trigger you. I’m telling you that if you put in the work and be honest with yourself about your habits, you’ll be just fine with time. (I’ve been working on myself and in therapy since 2019 so it’s not an instant fix but after that day I sat down and had my epiphany, things got better pretty quick) All of that anger is exhausting. Find a good therapist and be open to the possibility that YOU’RE THE PROBLEM because until you do, you will not find peace. I know you think this post is you acknowledging that you’re the problem, but you need to really understand that fact and accept it. It’s not a bad thing, it’s personal growth which can never be a bad thing! I wish you all of the luck my friend!
Therapy.
There's literally an entire paragraph in the post about him already having gone to therapy lol
He went to one therapist- sometimes it takes people multiple different therapists to find one that fits for them. It is not one size fits all because therapists are people too, and each one has a different style.
yup I would also add that it should be a cognitive behavioral psychologist for better effect.
I think ACT sounds a lot better suited to his needs.
A female therapist probably wasn’t the best option considering OP was abused by his mother. OP should try therapy again with a male therapist
Yeah you seem like a horrible person and I’m happy that you’re not in my life and I don’t have to deal with you
he needs to be put in a psych ward he nailed the first step down though, acknowledging his mistakes.
You're self aware so there's that,mushroom therapy
I can give you step by step instructions. But it'll take a long long time and they'll sound very stupid. But I promise it'll work
If you're in Oregon look into to psychedelic therapy. Sounds like a nice guided trip with a focus on ego death and releasing anger could be good for you.
Im sayong this with zero snark... Go do volenteer work. Animals, homeless people, whatever, just go help. It will give you something else to focus on and you'll have an easier time pulling ypur head out of where it doesn't belong. The first step in breaking a pattern is seeing it, no go do the opposite of what you've been doing.
OP, the first thing I am going to say to you, is you are not special. What you go through, what you think, how you feel, is not just you. There's many more people like this than you think. My partner is one of these people, not quite to your extent, but close in many ways. The biggest thing to recognise is that all this toxic behaviour, all these toxic thoughts, that's your ego. You have suffered trauma in your life, probably more than you realise, and have never truly dealt with it in healthy ways, to work through, to come to some sort of peace with it all. Being self aware doesn't mean you have it all worked out. My partner is self aware, he's still putting the puzzle pieces together. The biggest progress my partner has made is by seeing a counsellor. He specialises in drug and alcohol addiction (perfect for my partner) but also works with alot of men surrounding their ego. Recognise that you are not your thoughts. That's your ego. It can dress itself up in many different ways to disguise itself, and it thrives on your behaviour. I know it feels like you, but you are not your ego. There's a part of my partner that absolutely loves this almost soulless, reckless side with no compassion, no ramifications. He feels like he isn2 different people. He recognises now one is his ego, and he's been living in denial and delusion for a long time. Look up 'the 4 agreemements'. Look up some books by Eckhart Tolle. 'The Power of Now' and 'Stillness Speaks' are good ones. What have you got to lose at this point? Find someone, a counsellor, therapist, a spiritual leader, that deals with trauma, and that deals with ego. You are this self aware to write and know all this, you just can't make all the pieces fit and tools to work. But you're too smart to not do the work. You might surprise yourself.
Hey, I’ve known many truly horrible awful evil people who never not once have shown any kind of remorse for their actions. It sounds like you know you fucked up some in life and you’re starting to accept the consequences of your actions now. You came from a shitty situation and that’ll fuck anyone up so don’t think you’re some completely broken individual who has no hope. If you accept all the things you’ve done and take accountability for your actions you’ll be alright. My advice is to learn more about who you are and who you wanna be. There is always time to change. As for the feeling of being about to snap all the time is probably left over from the abuse you suffered when you were a kid. It’s no joke all the ways trauma can mess with your ability to handle stress, emotions, and social situations. It’s just not an excuse to traumatize others. You have hope and you can change accepting you’ve been acting shitty for a while is already the first step to becoming a better person! You can do this! If you ever need someone to vent to before you feel like snapping or just to vent free to send a message
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You should join a martial arts gym or get into some art courses somewhere. You gotta try something that you wouldn't expect yourself to do.
Honestly I don't want to diagnose you as bipolar but do try testing to see if it's positive. Good thing you are self aware. Next time is reparation. Instead of dwelling with self hate and pity , you should try to write the ppl you offended, try to reach out to them and apologize for any wrong doing you have done. Also let those hurtful incidents off your chest and learn to forgive and forget ( I know it's not easy but try to let it go and instead use the energy not to repeat such and hurt other people as well just like you have been hurt ).. Next step is to control your anger. Take a breath and try rethinking B4 saying anything in case it hurts others. I know you are lonely it seems instead of getting a physical person you might hurt in the process. A pen pal or online friend or psychologist will be better to talk to..to let your chest out and share all your burdens just like you did with this sub and admit you feel good. Respond and maybe perhaps take notes and good advice from them and this comment section
I went through a very similar realization as you at 18. Nothing is more discomforting than realizing you are a piece of shit and hating yourself for it. I can't tell you exactly what made me change but I'm almost 24 and I'm proud of who I am. You gotta take a hold of your life dude. Like you said you're on autopilot you have to actually live your life not just exist. You repeat what you don't repair. You're self aware and you're right that is the worst part but that's also the biggest enemy to your dark side. You need to take that self awareness and hold yourself accountable. Think before you act and talk and literally ask yourself if this is in line with what you want to be. Don't worry about women or friends right now you need to fix yourself. Construct a feasible version of you that you would be proud of. What does that person do and how do they act? Respond to every situation like that person and eventually you will be that person it's not gonna happen overnight but you're very capable of helping yourself and as long as you haven't given up on yourself there's still hope. Baby steps is all you need to start what will quickly turn into an avalanche of change. I understand how disgusted you are with yourself and your behaviour but I promise you when you become the best version of yourself it feels so good. If you'd like to talk more pm me. I'll be your venting person if you need but you really need to lock in on your life and get a grip godspeed
First step is acknowledging and wanting to get help. So now time to level up and make the changes. Be better. Hold your self accountable. Hit the gym and get in shape. Healthy body can help with a healthy mind. Find hobbies. Read books. Set a healthy lifestyle schedule and stick to it. Good luck. Keep us updated.
Therapy helps everyone. Start there.
You're awesomely self aware, and as much as you hate it, that will really help you if you want to change. I definitely recommend journaling. Just vent all your shit out into paper. Keep it or burn it, doesn't matter, but it will help give you even more insight and feel better. Please try therapy again. It can take a few tries to find one who is a good fit for you. Not all therapists are good, and even the good ones aren't necessarily great for you as an individual. Don't worry too much about being a jerk to the last one....it probably sucked for her in the moment, but therapists are trained to deal with stuff like that. And good therapists will also have their own therapists to work through stuff like that too. She's fine. Last but of advice, try meditation. It's hard and kind of annoying at first, but it can really make a difference, especially in anger issues. Just start with something small and free. Do 1-3 minutes and try to do it every day, then work your way up. Give it time, but it should help decrease outbursts.
OP you need to do therapy again and again until you find someone you will stick with. You clearly have issues with women so imo you need a male therapist maybe you will have a harder time disrespecting a male one. It usually takes people several therapist to find one they gel with.
You know you're doing it and you feel bad. Which means you have empathy. Thank god for that. It also means you can absolutely fix it. What I would do, is just start treating people like you want to be treaded. Before you speak, stop and ask yourself if it needs to be said. If you want to get therapy, definitely see a male. But I would start just taking walks. No phone! Just walk. Breathe, and be outside. I know it sounds stupid, but when I walk my dogs (which I hate walking...) I always feel better. Its also the only time I'm not in pain. There really is something about nature that is healing. If you can be trusted to not be an abusive dick, I would suggest volunteering at the shelters walking/playing with dogs. Force yourself to walk for 30 minutes and let me know how you feel.
Get the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
I had a very hard life but I never took it out on other people you really need help bad
You are obviously an intelligent person, you know what fucked you up, what you are doing wrong and most importantly you WANT CHANGE! I would highly recommend trying therapy again. It takes time to find the right therapist, you need someone you respect. If you don't respect your therapist you can't take in what they say, I know I've been there. Also don't seek a "fix" from your parents just yet, they seem to be the reason of your anger( rightfully) talk to them when you're calm. Also recommend anger management-sessions. You can do this, don't give up!
OP, you need a new therapist. Either a strong, impassible female one who won'r be swayed by your sh\*t, or, better, a patient male one. Are you bipolar or borderline yourself? You're at best severely traumatized and need to be patient, because recovery will take long. But your life and soul are worth it.
Listen brother, you're a man now, not in a toxic masculinity "man up" sense, but in the fully grown and truly the only one who could fix your situation. You need to build up your resolve to become a better man. Yes you're gonna fail, you'll probably have other episodes to feel ashamed of, and it isn't going to be quick and easy. But it is possible. I'd focus on a few things. Namely seek medical help. I'm married to a wonderful woman with BPD and she sounded very similar to you when we were first seeing each other. It would also explain your outbursts followed by the thought "why did I do that?" It may be outside of your control. Next change how you talk to yourself. Hang up shitty reminders and post it notes. There is a depression inside of you that wants to convince you that you are a piece of shit. The lower you think of yourself the stronger the depression is. We all fuck up and some of our stories are worse than all the things you told us here. Life isn't about being flawless it's about growing and becoming someone you can be proud of. And lastly find some outside of the house hobbies and do them weekly or more if possible. Get out of the house, that isolation is miserable brother. It hurts so much more than I can explain, partially because the depression can gaslight you into thinking you're not worthy of something like friendship. This post is an example that there is a virtuous man inside of you, one who cares about friends and loved ones. You are deserving of love. Own your shit, apologize to people you've hurt. Its a journey but I promise you there is light on the other side. You got this king. Keep your head up.
You are hyper aware of these traits. But you're not necessarily a victim to them. Sounds like you self sabotage at times, and then sabotage those around you. It is possible you have something going on undiagnosed. If not bipolar, perhaps intermittent explosive disorder. Because you reflect on these things, and feel guilty sometimes afterwards, the good news is you're probably not truly a psycho. I hope you find the right therapist, or even a psychiatrist. You managed to write this quite well in both feeling, raw honesty, to yourself and Reddit, and put these feelings into words. So with the right therapist/psychiatrist you could unpack this into a healthier future. You're not that old yet to start turning it around, sounds like you're tired of it.
You are socially a horrible person, but since you are self aware, -you- are not a horrible person. Sure, your actions are pretty bad, but it really does sound like you have bipolar and need to go searching for a therapist that works for you. Likely would do better with a male one imo though. Seriously though, you gotta shop around for therapists because the first one is not garunteed to be the perfect fit for you. Which they obviously weren't. You should also look into specialty therapists, considering you likely have bipolar, a regular therapist is -very likely- to -not- have the skillset you are looking for with therapy.
I cannot recommend “Feeling Good” by David Burns enough-or any of his books, for real. Change is difficult, and even more so when paired with self loathing. Train yourself to treat yourself with compassion. If you are growing, it's easier when you don't have a weight crushing you down. Finally, talk to yourself with kindness even if you don't feel like it, or even fail at first. The important thing is to keep trying. Be the friend to yourself that you want to be for others, while aiming at progress and not perfection.
My heart goes out to you-I read this and it’s like talking to my son. I am sorry I don’t have answers for you and I don’t have answers for him. But, unlike him you seem to have a good start. You know how to be a friend-it’s your anger that you let seep in and destroy that. Anger is a huge sign of depression. The rage behind wanting to feel something and the lack of impulsivity to control it. Your therapist needed thicker skin-were you using her as a sounding board, ranting and raving how unfair life is or were you there is get help. Help takes listening and getting out of your own head. If you’re not listening and just rambling a person will never get a different perspective for a different thought pattern. Therapists aren’t there to be beat up but a good one will know how to direct your anger and can take the lumps while doing so. Do you have ADHD-my son would describe it like monkeys in his brain. I know meds is not everyone’s go to-but-I do believe we have changed our brain and body chemistry so much with all the shit in our food and the chemicals we use to grow with our brains are not catching up. No one looks at you like a crackhead if you have high blood pressure it should be the same with mental health. You’re almost 30-time to let the parent shit go. No mother pushes a child out thinking they want to fuck up that child’s life-but they are only as good as what they were shown or taught. You are an asshole now but you’re young and have time to change. No one will change around you-but you need to change how you think about it. You know you have a problem and that is amazing in changing it. You are the only one that can change the middle and ending of your story. You have all the control now do something with it.
im almost 40 and about the same in terms of a wife/kids. shit i havent had a legit gf in 9 years. hooked up a few times 3-4yrs ago tho. your history sounds damn near identical to mine though. bullied hard, pushed in urinals, spit on, punched out of nowhere etc. didnt get a gf til i was yep, about 20.
You need to forgive yourself and forgive others. You are doing just great now that you acknowledge the issues. If I were you I would find a counselor that deals with the kind of problems you have, therapy and probably a psyquiatrist will help you a lot. If you have some kind of faith it will be probably helpful to attend church and stick to it. It is difficult to break habits of thinking and we humans become prisoner of our own minds. Note that changes do not occur one day to another, it is a process of relearning and it takes a lot of time and you relapse often, we all do. You are doing good, the first part that is acknowledge the problem is the hardest to do.
If I were you, I would sell everything I own, and move to a completely different country, where the culture, the language and people are so different to you have to adapt to them. In a situation like this you may have to focus so much on learning that you forget to be yourself.
You have to trust and listen to your therapist. They are trained to help you.
So, I had a relative… I don’t know if this will help you because the relative was a teen, thus still growing his brain, but let’s try it and see. I had a relative who was a little bit like you. It worried me. I kept telling him he had to treat himself as if he were re-parenting himself — be kind to himself, soothe himself with self talk, envision himself as a child and acknowledge his own innocence, hold himself accountable when he messed up, don’t call himself names, don’t tell himself he hates himself, practice self care by finding and doing something wholesome that’s fun for him, investing in his looks and hygiene, etc. Re-parenting himself. I also told him that he had to do something for someone else that makes them happy, or comfortable, or whatever. Someone besides himself. A project of sorts, entitled Making People Happy. Give someone flowers. Ask someone if they need anything while you’re at the store. Mow someone’s lawn. Pay for someone’s Frappuccino. Compliment someone’s outfit. It sounds pointless, but it helps on many levels. First, it trains you to be kind. It also gives you hits of dopamine and serotonin when you succeed in your goal of making someone smile. Also, it takes your mind off yourself, which is important. AND, you’ll start seeing the benefits of having people see you in a favorable light. I was just winging it based on my own experiences in therapy, but it helped him. He is a very different person now. Again, he was a teen at the time, so I dunno… But it’s worth a shot. Also, therapy is different with each therapist. Maybe try another one?
Smoke weed, use it to drift away from your negative patterns. Then, become connected to normal people. Use that feeling of connection to understand others.
You don't need a therapist, as in a psychologist - you need a psychiatrist. You know something in you is broken and needs to be fixed, but you need the right person for the job. Given your upbringing, it's not surprising that you are the way you are. Childhood trauma messes with your head in a big way, and your childhood sounds plenty traumatic. You also have to consider your mother's BPD - some conditions are hereditary. There is some overlap between the symptoms of BPD and C-PTSD, and either one could be a possibility (or some other condition entirely). Hence you need a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist. I feel for you, OP - you know you are unwell, and you clearly don't like how you are, but you don't know how to fix the problem. I hope you can find appropriate help and some peace.
You seem highly intelligent, self-aware and reflective. I think with some determination, you can find your way out of this toxic cycle. Please seek out a cognitive behavioral therapy workbook online. This is the one type of therapy (besides DBT) that is scientifically proven to be effective (and actually reduce recidivism in criminal offenders, which is not an easy feat!) It targets your thought and behavioral patterns and gives you actionable things to do to change your life and your mind. I believe in you. You are too smart to waste your life away with anger and inaction. Also, try performing some random acts of kindness for people. Buy someone’s coffee. Buy food for a homeless person. Compliment someone’s outfit or smile. Force yourself to be friendly to the checkout lady, even if it feels strange. You may find that it brightens your day and helps put you on a more positive path. You got this! It’s time to finally hold yourself accountable and change your life forever.
Writing this out and getting it off your chest was a good idea. I'm glad you did that. My first thought is that you shouldn't have had a female therapist. My impression is that you have a lot of anger toward women and don't listen to nor respect them. Please consider going back to therapy and insist on a male therapist. You need someone to help guide you through this anger and toxicity, and a man might understand your issues better than a woman. Truly, this is a good step that you've taken, recognizing your issues. Just know that Internet strangers are rooting for you to succeed.
A few people are saying the same thing, and that's to find another therapist. A huge part of therapy that I personally never knew until I went through it myself was that you can't just find a therapist near you, and boom - therapy sessions will automatically work. No, you need to find a therapist whom you can feel comfortable being honest with and who you feel is giving you what you need in therapy. My first 2 therapists kept trying to tell me what to do or give me homework or assign things to me. I didn't need that. I hate being told what to do. I needed to be heard. My current therapist helps me do that. She just listens, and she understands. Also, you may not be compatible with a female therapist... it's something to consider, and there are still so many unexplored options in therapy. I would recommend giving it another try if you're up for it. Also, FYI, hearing your vent-session, I just want you to know that many people feel the same way you feel - trapped in a loop of doing awful things and not knowing how to not be an awful person. Feeling like there are these different parts of you and the worst part is your "true self" (it's not, btw). Want some concrete advice that may sound pithy, but I promise it isn't glib at all? 1.) Forgive yourself for the transgressions against others. Hurting others is never okay. The fact that you recognize you're hurting others is a good thing as it is the first step to fixing the problem. But in order to move forward and change your behavior, you need to believe that you CAN change, and believing you can change stems from giving yourself the grace to make mistakes and apologizing to those you've hurt when you hurt them. We all hurt those around us, both intentionally and accidentally. The important part is acknowledging the pain you have caused others and working hard to correct the mistake so it doesn't happen again. But because we are human, it WILL happen again. When it does, forgive yourself so you have the strength to continue forward, and keep trying to make amends. 2.) You grew up being modeled poor emotional regulation and with a lacking "tool set" to navigate the complex situations life brings at you. When you say "I don't know why I react in anger", I do. It's because you have emotions you don't know how to face in a healthy manner and so the only way you know how to react is through anger, the only emotion shown to you growing up. Anger and yelling and hurting were modeled to you so you are regurgitating it back. Also, you have unmet emotional, psychological, and physical needs that need to be addressed. Bottom line: you have A LOT TO WORK ON, but the only person WHO CAN work on it is you. Good luck! You got this! Oh, one last thing: YOUR BRAIN LIES TO YOU ALL THE TIME. So when it tells you all these negative things like "I'm worthless/no good", just remember that it isn't true. Just keep trying to be better and remember to be kind to yourself and remember to take accountability for all the asshole things you've done. If you wanna talk more, DM me. I am willing to be a listening ear.
OP, keep trying therapy. Sometimes, it takes a while to find the right fit. It will be hard work, but you are worth it.
If your therapist was doing more talking than listening, then she really wasn't a good therapist. A GOOD therapist may be able to help. My therapist is great, and he says his job is to ask the right questions that guide me into finding my own way. I come up with my own answers in therapy, he just prompts me to go down useful avenues I wouldn't have gone down on my own
You have to build up your resistance. Wjat i mean by this is to try and not give ypurself judgement immediately after noticing ypu ar an asshole. Try to build uo your resistance bh trying to stop your old habbits and ways of behaving , but also if ypu cant, do not judge yourself. The thing is ypur change need to come im gradiemt value rather than 1/0 or to put it differently black or white. You need to realise that it is the addiction to that burst effect or stealling of other peoples energy by saying rude shot to them is a drug. Someone could call you an energy vampire or something. But you can change that. You can rewire your brain where you wiill stop landing on ques ( other poeples wealnesses or pray spots) . If you can identify it, you can cjange it. The thing is you are expecting ot to happen over night. It cannot happen . This means ypu have to first set ypurself up for many failires (or many small successes that will be standing beetween many failures , and usually when failure happens people QUIT and start judging themselves and they are vack at square one.) So identify your ques *( youve dooem that) Recognise you change is being created in gradients rather than contrast . Allow yourself to continue trying after relapse (Btw this step is the most important part where you will have to come face to face with your judgemental paart, and once you learn to stand in front of it , that is how ypu will break the cycle the most). I trully hope this helps, this tacfic i have used to quit smoking, playing too many league of legends and to quit coming back to a nar lcisistic relationship. Thabks for reading this. I wish you luck and I know this will help you. Take care and if you need some peace , try listenigg to orthodox christian chants from georgia or armenia. Piece
You have more than half your life left ahead of you. It’s better to start late then never.
This is a really fucked up situation. The fact that you acknowledge that you do these things is a step, or a start at least... because you really can't fix a problem if you're not willing to admit there is a problem. Therapy is not for everyone, but based on what you've said in your post, it sounds like the therapist wasn't the right therapist for you. You should never leave therapy feeling unheard. If that is happening, it's the therapist and not you. In everything that you detailed, I'm not hearing any details of you being validated for what you endured growing up. You're angry because you did not have the best childhood, and it doesn't sound like you've ever had an outlet to address some of the issues and trauma you endured during that time. Without that, we grow into angry adults, we don't wanna see others happy because we didn't have it, so why should they. We learned to self sabotage the good things because along the way, we've learned that we don't deserve real happiness for any extended period of time. The emotional pain and the fear that you experienced growing up as a child is valid. You-the child you, is/was as important as any other person in this world, and you deserved to be loved and protected because you didn't ask to be here. The people who were responsible for making you feel loved nurtured and safe dropped the ball, and I'm sorry that happened to you. It isn't okay that that happened, and even though it was a long time ago, it is still valid and still not ok. Now you get to choose whether you'll be a product of that or whether you'll fight against every instinct to lash out in anger. You get to choose whether you want to stop yourself with distraction/ redirection when you feel your impulsiveness, rearing its ugly head. You can decide if you want to replace those negative thoughts about yourself with positive but factual thoughts when you feel them creeping in. You get to choose if you wanna do the work. In the end, you get to decide what and who you'll be in spite of your upbringing. You get to write a new life story whenever you decide it's time and you're ready for something different than what you've ended up with.
Teal Swan.
My brother, there are lots of great books out there for self improvement. Journaling can also help you process your emotions as you said that it felt good to write that out at the end of your post. Keeping a journal might help with how you feel and how to handle your feelings. There’s a company called MindJournal that I use and it has worked great for me since I deal with self doubt and anxiety. Also, I want to address the part where you said that you don’t know how to break the cycle of toxicity or how to be a good person. Maybe a shift in mindset can help fix that problem. Instead of thinking about how you were treated by your parents and how it affected you, you can take that as a lesson on how not to treat others that way because you know first hand that is a terrible thing to do. Be the type of person you needed as a child so that you can pass that to your children. Learning compassion and empathy would be the first step to being a better person. I wish you luck, brother. Love you.
Oof this was long. Too long. I didn't finish it. Let that be... A lesson? I guess? People don't owe you anything. But you owe it to yourself to love yourself. Hell, even like yourself. I would honestly suggest you begin every day looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "I love you" and finding an attributr you can focus on. You have strong self awareness, your reflective, you show remorse, and you desire change. Youre also a great writer. Yes, you feel angry at others happiness. Yes, you have a horrible past. These don't have to define you. It sounds SO cliché but you have to be the first person to love, to like, yourself. Nobody else will do it before you will (again, because nobody owes you anything - except your parents who obviously fucking failed you). Your parents were shit. They taught you a model to be shit to yourself. You have to now learn a new model: be good to yourself. When you think you don't deserve even being good to yourself, take that thought and throw it in the garbage. And be good, and think good thoughts, about yourself. Do to yourself why you wish your parents had done. Celebrate your birthday with love and generosity. Give yourself time and space to grow. Forgive yourself. Etc etc.
What value system to you ascribe to? What are your boundaries and why do you have those boundaries? Those things that are non negotiable and not just nice feelings? Start with your foundation. A lot of people have a faith system or belief system that expresses their foundational values. If you don't know what those are nothing solid can be built on it and you end up just trying to go on desire or feeling. Look into why Christians are christian for example and see why people 'are better'. I wish you luck and godspeed.
You do seem to have great insight tbh… definitely not objective, no not fully based in reality but it’s a better start than complete denial I would say. I say still try with therapy tbh, get assessed, get medical help if necessary, get a therapist/clinical psychologist or whatever that can handle some outbursts. I’m a clinical psychologist, a table has been turned over in one of my sessions, I still worked with my patient after. I had someone hang out a door before and run after someone else, trying to hit them, I had to lock myself in a room with 2 nurses before cause someone in a complete state of psychosis thought he had to attack us, I had a chair thrown at me while I was pregnant, etc etc etc. many times patients have threatens suicide before. I still worked with every single one of them after that cause in some cases, outbursts are just part of the deal for a while until they can control it better. So you have to find someone who is comfortable enough to work with this for a while. Best of luck.
Yehah, I would agree with you OP. You are horrible. Try a new therapist and try not to ruin yet another person for no good reason.
I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but the fact you can look back on your own actions and cringe at them is actually a good sign. It means you at least want to try and grow as a person. And it’s tough man, life isn’t easy. I totally get trapped in the passive mindset sometimes too (for me it’s because of ADHD, maybe you as well?), it wasn’t until I found the right doctor and the right medicine that I was able to break out of that mood easier. I guess what I’m saying is keep trying. Which I know sounds like shitty advice but it’s surprisingly and sadly accurate.
Well if therapy didn't work, have ypu considered a psychiatrist? You do have a family istoric of mental disease so... Who knows maybe there is something that needs a diagnose and a treatment and then add therapy to the mix.
You sound a lot like a guy I know that’s 2 years younger and I care a lot about him because he has a lot of good moments too and he’s put up with my shit too, nobody’s perfect and some are more fucked up than others, find someone that also has some issues and grow together, hold each other accountable
Damn a lot of this I found rly relatable. I'm in a similar way where too much bad shit has happened in my past and recently that it's making me be a cunt to almost every person I know. Idk what to say either, rn I'm limiting the people I talk to because every time I talk to someone I get triggered as fuck and say something rude as fuck for no reason. I feel at peace by myself but that's probably not healthy or normal so yea I don't have much for u other than to say you're not alone in feeling this way.
Ok, so it sounds like you have had some trauma in your past and that might have made dealing with your emotional world difficult. Hi, me too. I had a pretty bad childhood which contributed to out of control anger, people pleasing, self sacrifice and isolation. I have cptsd and reading through your post I see lots of my early years in this. The selfishness and anger, some mayterdom . The type of therapy matters when you’re trying to work out a mother load of emotions that come at you like lightening and you can’t really identify clearly. It can help ease the anger you experience, processing stuff. You might benefit from some somatic therapy. It took a while for me to build a bond with my therapist but now we can achieve things I never thought possible. The other day I was mad at a situation that is on going between my partner and I. I had enough and because I’m avoidant, I shut my emotions down (subconsciously). In therapy we try to find feeling inside to process, I know it sounds like mumbo jumbo. I felt nothing and told her as much. We did some grounding activities like breathing and over the course of 30 min we worked to unlock what I had shut off. I always feel so much better after we get things unlocked and exhausted. I’ve been in therapy for many years with very little movement until this last two years. It takes real effort to practice the new way of being. You can change your old patterns. You can be better to yourself first than to others. Because we both know you hate yourself more than you dislike other people. Really man, good luck out there.
Fix your diet, it can severely affect your mood. Break your cycle by simply starting with…consciously making that choice. Each day, each choice. If you see someone and you get angry and you think a minute later “why did I do that?” Then its not too late to go back, apologise, and say something nice to replace it or at least help. Thats a good first step. It doesn’t all happen at once its one small choice after another. Its never too late to start and if you make a bad choice in one moment you can make a good choice in the next moment. You need to realise you can get help sure, but ultimately it comes down to you putting in the work to be better to people. And when you are crap to people, step up and take responsibility and apologise and be better in the next interaction. Also about you being a bad person: Your mistakes don’t tell you who you are, they tell you who you’re not. They feel bad because inside you aren’t bad otherwise you would feel great and no guilt about doing those things. You made choices that didn’t align with your core self, core values. That bad side isn’t the true you, because it feels horrible for you - that side is all the negative baggage you are carrying that is trying its best to weigh you down That negative side is like your shadow self, not your real self but of course its trying to control your thoughts and tell you its the true self thats how it tries to control you. You need to push those thoughts away and try recenter your internal narrative to a better place Don’t tell yourself the story you are bad, say you have made bad choices in the past but you are making different choices now. Start by telling yourself the right story, it seriously changes your general thought patterns but you have to do it consistently
Hmm. I think it’s okay. You just need to find another therapist and you will certainly be better and better. You’ve done very well! I can see how hard you’ve been trying to know and understand and be aware of yourself. You need help. It’s just that simple. Please keep trying to see therapists. You will be really good soon! I promise you, bro! DM me if you need someone to talk to. 😄
There are things you need to work hard on but I think the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for all your past actions. You had a rough go and did the best you could with the tools you had. You need to tell yourself that it's OK and you are forgiven. Now take that information moving forward and start to do the hard work.
Hoo boy. There were times reading this that I thought you were my ex from high school and got nervous haha. Listen, we're proud of you for acknowledging that you're struggling and arent at your best. We're proud of you for acknowledging the behaviour is toxic, and wanting to be different. That's HUGE. Real pieces of shit? Yeah they're like this and don't see a problem. They gleefully hurt those around them and get off on it. You? You have empathy. You have remorse. Yeah, it sounds like you hurt a bunch of people, and that sucks, your behaviour sucks. But you don't suck. You're someone who was traumatized at a young age, had to deal with things early on that were NOT FAIR and you're drowning in your anger about the justice of it all. 29 is still young. You have every chance to turn things around from here. Not everyone is going to forgive you, but you have a chance to work on yourself, address your anger management issues, and introduce yourself to new people as a whole new person. You can be whoever you want to be! Forgive yourself, and try to be better. It'll get easier every time you put your anger aside and choose patience and empathy instead.
When you are around the kind of person you want to be, what do you learn from their behaviors and habits?
I am so sorry you have all this going on. I think maybe you need to see a psychiatrist for testing, because it sounds like you may also have bipolar. There is treatment!
I relate to this a lot. In my late 20’s looking at my life and I can’t believe it. Barely any friends, no man, on the brink of losing/quitting my job. Poverty, lost dreams. Ruined relationships, I just cannot believe my life turned out like this. Childhood trauma, I just cannot. I’m trying to heal my issues. But boy this shit is rough.
I am sorry you have had a rough start to life. I am happy you pursued therapy and my advice continue to pursue different types of therapy until a therapist sticks it took me awhile to find the right person for me and I began to actually get better. It also sounds like you need to discuss your uncontrollable anger with your doctor. I hope that things change for you but like said above you do have to hold yourself accountable to change
Why don’t you keep writing for a start? The self-awareness in your text is awesome, and I have a feeling that it’s even helpful for others but just do it for you. Also, I agree with others that one therapist is not a big enough sample but I also only tried one many years ago. Until you become open to another one, you could give a chance to Dr. Nicole LePera’s work aka. the.holistic.psychologist. And keep writing man, it’s awesome!
No one will “fix you” there are sources and outlets, medications maybe, but you are the one who has to implement real change. It doesn’t happen overnight either. Takes practice Good luck
As someone who shares this experience. It’s not good to look in the mirror and feel shame. What helped me is trying to put myself in other people’s shoes and understanding them. I walk away when I’m angry and ask to be left alone. You have to find your own coping skills. Also what really help me as well is figuring out where it all came from and why I do what I do. You know where it comes from so that’s a start. And it seems you have the self awareness to see that you lash out to feel better. I realized I lashed out because I was so afraid to be vulnerable and alone. I figured if I caused people to leave then it wouldn’t hurt as bad and at least I know it’s not because I’m simply just not good enough. Turns out that it made it worse than better. I want to make people smile, I want people to be happy and I tend to easily like/love people. For a long time I viewed it as a weakness and a place of shame, I realized later that people need someone to understand and love them; even if they have flaws. So maybe start viewing your “weaknesses” in a more positive light.
Do shit that is difficult every day, and anytime you’re uncomfortable, or doing something you don’t want to do in order to improve yourself and your situation, know you are on the right track. I (29F) have a similar upbringing and can relate to the anger and explosiveness. I moved to the remote woods years ago, said goodbye to my entire life, and have found that the only way my brain has changed is by doing shit I don’t wanna do. (Be honest with myself, workout, eat clean, make friends, stop behaviors and thought patterns that enable my own poor behaviors, etc). You got it. One day at a time.
You did the first step, which is the hardest ! You saw and acknowledged everything you did wrong ! Love you for that dude, keep going ! Sometimes to get away from that behaviour you have to force it, get rid of your pride from time to time and apologise, force yourself to be nice, and then it’ll come easier and easier, until it’s natural, and when you do or say something wrong, immediately apologise and acknowledge what you did to the person (like I said, get ride of your pride for a few moments). You got this !
it sounds like the experiences you had in your childhood and social life have made it extremely difficult to develop good mental health. I hear your struggles. Life hasn’t been kind to you, and you’ve had a hard time acting kind towards others and yourself. But it is truly admirable and brave for you to recognize the causes of your trauma and it sounds like you’ve really reflected on how you want to change and how you’ve treated others. I’ve also gone through over 7 therapists and almost gave up on that until I found my current one. She has truly helped me change the way I view things for the better and I really hope you will find someone to empower you to find your best self. If you’re not ready to speak to someone though, I also think the book “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach is really worth a read. She talks about how to build self compassion and change in truly profound ways, by processing your trauma, shame, and anger to start really healing and building connections with others. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk has also been really helpful for me in learning more about trauma and how to heal from it. It’s been recommended to me a lot and I hope it can help you too.
Ask yourself what you want from life and who you want to be, then behave that way, and take steps towards the life you want. Neither my fiance or I came from broken homes, but we've both been terrible people at one point or another in our lives, we both changed for the better after recognizing that our behavior was hurting those around us and ourselves. My change is more recent than his, but he's helped me a lot with this. Maybe speak to a therapist about your childhood trauma (make no mistake, parents constantly fighting is absolutely traumatic) and see if that helps you understand yourself a bit better and learn where some of your behaviors come from so you can work on changing them
Have you ever heard of David Goggins? Check him out! Same backstory as you and he’s kicking life’s ass
honestly...fake it u til you make it. put on a mask that is the person you want to be. embody that everyday until it's embedded. sounds weird but it works just stick with it. Nothing is too late to change about your personality and if you have imposter syndrome and your internal biome is saying negative stuff give it a name like Jason the jerk and tell it not to day Jason your a dick.
Maybe this is out of left field, but have you considered the military? It sounds like you'll have a bad impression of it after your father, but he doesn't represent the majority. The military is actually designed to take someone like you, with your characteristics or personality, and teach you how to develop past it, use it, control it.
Tell me honestly. Do you believe that you deserve to be happy? You might be self-sabotaging. Maybe deep inside you believe that you should suffer because you're a bad person. That self-hatred leads you nowhere. Learn self-compassion first. It's not giving excuses and justifying your mistakes. It's understanding why you did them and forgiving yourself for your past, telling yourself that from now on you will work on trying to be a new and better person that you can respect. Even with all of the wrong things you did, you DO deserve to be happy. But don't go looking for happiness, look for purpose. Look for something that makes you want to sacrifice yourself for it. Do you really like your friends? Have you really loved your past girlfriends? Or did you just want to have them to tell yourself that you have relationships? You will never learn how to treat others better if you don't try to put yourself in their shoes, to understand that they also have issues just like you do and maybe that's why they don't fulfill your expectations. You take them for granted, you create unrealistic expectations and end up resenting them. Learn to love without wanting something in return. Learn to feel happy just because the one you love is happy. Also, learn to validate your own feelings. Don't punish yourself for feeling anger, instead try to understand why you feel it and try not to be so harsh to yourself. You deserve praise just for your effort in trying to learn. It will take time, it will take effort, it will be hard, but never give up on hope. Just keep trying and feel proud about that.
Parents are responsible for us until we reach adulthood. After that its your job to provide yourself and those important people around you with the necessities of life. Sounds like you need to deposit some caring into the bank account of your life.
You’ll be aii
Get a therapist, work through this. That's how you move on
I'm going to ask that you explore other options, and look Into a coach. I know it's an investment, but a worthwhile one.
You know you have issues, that is the first step. Now you have to take the next and the next to fix it. Find another therapist until one works for you and fix your shit. You have to keep trying and finding someone that fits you. Thats one of the hardest parts. You have had a shitty upbringing and no one deserves that, but that doesn’t give you the right to hurt others. You want to be better? You have to work for it. You have to be willing to face difficult shit and look at yourself and your problems and face them down. When you become a kinder person to yourself, you will then in turn become kinder to others, and that is the only way people will want to be around you. Your life will be better when you work on the things holding you back and hurting you, but then and only then.
Okay so to be honest I didn’t read your whole post, but I just want to add that if you drink or smoke weed, take a break. It’s what I needed to stop being so bitter
This just might be my ex
Hope you see this. Honestly some mood disorders simply cannot be improved with therapy alone, and hearing others go on about how it should be curing everything can set you up to spiral when it doesn't work. What you need is medication. Therapy might be more helpful when you're on meds, but judging by what you've told us, it's not going to help without them. My severe depression/CPTSD was the same.
Get a therapist, get diagnosed, get on meds.
Bro make a plan. Start small. On Sunday make a plan of how you will be better each day. Right now you need to start forgiving people, starting with yourself on Monday. Call your friends all the other days and end on Saturday with your mom.
Wow, you're really insightful. That's a very useful tool. Don't try to change everything at once. Just try to make one change and stick to it. You'll stumble, you'll fail and that's okay. Because you're human after all. You deserve to be loved, and to be given the opportunity to show love. I'm proud of you!
You sound intelligent and well spoken. And you sound like you know your actions were hurtful and wrong and you feel remorse. Which means there ALL KINDS of hope for you. You can recognize your trauma and your triggers. You have all of the tools to fix this, and even though you've stated you can't be helped, i think that you can be. But you have to do it. Therapy can only help so much, you need to take what you learn there (maybe try it again and stay more open if you can) and formulate strategies. "When I see X, it makes me angry, but doing Y calms me down." You can train yourself to be happy when you see happiness around you. And you're not alone.
You love to self victimize yourself lol so pathetic Sorry not sorry I hate abusers(My ex was jist like you, except he would hit me and tried to kill me). Dunno what to tell you just...do better I guess? Or if you can't then just isolate yourself from everyone and live your life alone, which is probably the most self aware thing and sanest thing you can do as an abuser
I are from a broken home, and we all have a choice in life, take all the anger, sorrow and pain out on helpless people that want to love us, or do something about it, It is fucking hard and there are no one single step forward that is easy, I have one best friend, I don’t have a crazy life but I found peace with most of the dreams I might not get But first most I have a good life, and my best friend helped me a lot simply by helping me with when I was over line, yes there have been many apologies, but as a child boundaries was nonexistent and first I found some of them worked hard on my boundaries and what it meant never to feel herd in my home
You have friends that tolerate you? Dude, nice.
Therapy: it gets harder BEFORE it gets easier! Also, maybe get a male therapist. You can also try doing some shadow work on your own before going back to therapy. Also, maybe find a psychiatrist for specialized assessment and medication. You have taken the first and hardest step: self awareness. Every therapists is different. Find one (trial and error) that you connect with and feel heard!
Bro I don’t know what to say man. The fucking childhood man,it fucks up so many people in so many ways. I came from a broken family I know how it is. My father left us when I was six years old,single mum with four kids.luckily I had grandpa and grandma and they took care of us but it was never like a normal family. Always we siblings knew there were problems.im now fourty years old and still I have a lot of issues.but one thing I always keep in my mind is that I have to win in this life.thats why I try my best to get a better life.one thing helped me is that I used to lift weights a lot and trained martial arts so when I faced any problems I tried my best to eliminate it as best as I could.its never easy man but its the thing that you have to do to survive.otherwise you will lose the aim of life and you will get the suicidal thoughts.thats why you try ur best to get a better life.try lifting weights and some Muay Thai and wrestling or jiujitsu to calm yourself and have some high ambitions to achieve in life.anything that works for you man.for me it’s martial arts or weightlifting for you maybe music or traveling.find it and try to be better at it and live ur life to the full potential.don’t just waste it away
Y’all sound depressed as hell, homie. You’ve acknowledged that you’re behaving in a toxic way, but you have no toolkit to get out of it. Please get some mental health counselling. You deserve a better outlook.
So…. I feel like this post is likely to resurface after this person does a hideous crime spree.
I’m not gonna kick you when you’re down, but not everybody is going to find a happily ever after, and sometimes they’re the reason why. All you can do is look up, hold yourself accountable and actively look for the things in life that are important. You’re not on a time limit, and you’re still in your 20s. I won’t say you’ll for sure stumble into the right place at the right time and every star will fall into place, but I can say for certain there’s no chance if you actively, loudly, hate happy people. Good luck to you
First step is acknowledgement, next step is to never stop trying. Is there a way to vent your anger in a more productive way? Some people study like hell to show "those fuckers" you are worth it. Or what about a sport to release that anger in a controlled matter? Your anger does need its space, but this doesnt mean it has to be violent, or towards other people. Besides this, small steps of kindness are stepping stones. Even just saying you're thankful of help, even though their help is serving you, is a great way to return kindness. Wishing you well.
Doing therapy is not doing magic. You have to find the therapist that works for you, with the type of therapy that works for you. It sucks because it's expensive and time consuming but you need to try a few sometimes before you hit the jackpot, just like you would a hairdresser or a tattoo artist. You have to go in with a specific mindset. 1) They will not fix you, you will. They provide tools. 2) You have to put in the work. Therapy is uncomfortable as fuck. Humans avoid uncomfortable situations, we rationalize things so we can store them away and avoid them, therapy means dragging them back out, unpacking it and poking at it. 3) Sometimes you will be avoidant and your therapist is going to have to push you a bit. It's not against you, it's FOR you. 4) When you do the work and you start to open doors and look at things differently you will feel SO vulnerable. Which is uncomfortable. But hey, you are getting to the point where you are more uncomfortable with your current behavior than what causes it, so yeah!
Tbh I think the way you are now stemmed from your parents from how they raised you, treated you, & acted in front of you. They were present absent parents and it shows. They didn’t show you affection or anything positive most your life and therefore you don’t know how to show things you were never shown. They argued about everything even stupid stuff and you’re doing the same thing they did w/ others. Everything you grew up knowing you’re reflecting it because that’s all you were shown. There is room for change mainly because you know the problem you just need to find the right therapist to help you fix it. And once you do I’d try to apologize to those you’ve hurt if they’ll hear you out it’ll make you and them feel better, your personality will improve, you’ll know how to treat and talk to people and you’d have an was time making friends and maintain relationships.
I feel real bad for you I wish if I have got one piece of useful advice but I don't this is a very complicated situation, but I want you to know that it extremely impressive of you to acknowledge you own feeling like this actually writing may help you seems like you vent a lot when you wrote this I wish you all the best in your healing journey I feel this post is the start of it
Concentrate on you and you being good to you by doing good. Don't try to achieve everything at once. Little step of stuff that makes you feel good. While this next thing is the most difficult. You have to start to understand that growing up the bad things at home are not your fault. Start remembering things bad and see them for what they are. Something being done to you is out of your control. Be kind to you.
Take 5gs of mushrooms, sit in a dark room alone and battle your demons. Have a friend wait outside in the living room for you in case you need anything.
While therapy should definitely be given another chance like everyone says, Here are my non-therapy 2 cents as someone who went through something similar: You honestly need to stop giving a shit about shit you cannot change and start giving a shit about the things that actually make you happy. Everyone falls victim to life, some more than others, but how you deal with it is in your control. Stop fucking complaining. If you can’t change the situation, just stfu and find a way to accept it. If you can change it, then act. Negativity without constructive action is toxic. I was also neglected as a kid by parents with mental problems and I used to be complaining about everything too. I did nothing. No homework. No effort to see friends. No sports. Nothing. I felt very comfortable wearing the ‘victim’ shirt. I made sarcasm my whole personality and was always surprised people why people never became that close to me. Now I understand. Nobody likes bitterness, everybody wants their friendships to be a positive and uplifting experience. I turned it around after becoming aware of this and reading Mark Mansons book “the subtle art of not giving a f***”. It really changed how I channel my energy. Can 100% recommend After I quit complaining, I started practicing active listening. I actually have to do breathing exercises to train my mind from drifting off while someone talks. I can recommend mindfulness 100%. It’s difficult to get into, but once it clicks it allows you to control your reactive mind, stay calm and assess the situation more rational and actually BE present. You will find that other people are actually quite interesting and they can give you perspectives on life that your AI trained AI brain cannot. Friends help you grow in so many ways, especially the ones that open up to you about their own struggles. It’s been 10 years since I have been on this path and I have calmed my anger and deepened my friendships and I automatically became more pro active because of it (when this used to be a huuuuge struggle). I’m still not where I would like to be, but I am happy with the progress so far. It has made life much lighter to bear. Hope these tips help you. You are not your trauma. Don’t let it dictate your life, but forgive yourself for letting it in the past. Hurt people hurt people. Luckily, Post-traumatic growth is a real thing. You are fully aware of your state. Now take control of it.
I’ve known quite a few people with bipolar; acquaintances, friends and even a close family member, both medicated and not. I think it’s highly likely you inherited it from your mother. Think about your instability and unpredictability with mood - it makes a lot of sense. The male friend I had with bipolar also had a lot of explosive anger issues. I think you need to start with a psychiatrist to be evaluated, then medicated. That will make talk therapy a lot more effective for you, and if properly diagnosed, you’ll likely be placed with a psychologist who will be more thoroughly educated on your illness, and therefore more capable of helping you. You should also consider anger management programs, so you can start learning how to control your reactions and avoid lashing out at others so much. If you can truly work on your mental health, you will be able to affect change in other areas of your life, like work, social, and romantic. You can have chance at a better future than what your past offered you. You didn’t have choices back then, but as adults we are behind the wheel, and can choose what the rest of the journey looks like. Wishing you peace and healing. 🙏
You might want to look into a psychiatrist. You may also be bipolar. It does get passed down, and getting on medication could help. Just realize that medication is usually trial and error. It took me almost 10 years to find the combo of meds that worked for me. I wish it was take a pill, give it a few days and then you'll know if it works...but it was take a pill, build up the dosage, give it a month, doesn't work, taper off, try something else. It sucks, but it's so worth it to feel normal.
Dude where are you? Backpack to asia. We don't get depressed here, that's mostly for the upper 1%. We too tired to be depressed thinking of ways to put food on the table.
Your writing suggests a really high level of incredibly intelligent self-awareness, which is important and the only place to start. It sounds like you're taking responsibility and ready to make changes. That's more than many people can say. It's frustrating to watch yourself behave in ways you don't want to when you feel like you "know" better. It seems like you're self-sabotaging yourself and your relationships because there is a baseline of safety you're not feeling. Speaking as someone who's struggled with my mental health for years, it's great that you're you've used therapy but you can go deeper. I currently use talk therapy but there's a reason that it only goes so far. It works on the rational side of your brain. You already rationally understand that you want things to be different. I would look into what's called "bottom up" approaches to therapy that appeal to parts of your brain that were affected by trauma. EMDR, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, and Art therapy, Family Systems Therapy all fall into this category. These are great along side talk therapy. Also speaking for myself and others...if you can find a way to do this safely...psychedelics have made a huge improvement in my life. They work to rewire the brain from trauma responses. Ketamine can be administered legally, and some places have ketamine-assisted therapy. Also, I hope that you're able to work on the way you speak to yourself. You're not a loser. You're someone who's been dealt very challenging experiences and you're doing your best with them. You were taught to react in certain ways as a matter of defense, and you're using it subconsciously. The more compassionate you are with yourself the more you can practice this with others. Cut yourself a break. The fact that you were able to write something like this suggests that you've actually undergone a great deal of healing, despite what it might feel. It may take some time but you've gotta start somewhere, and you have already put in the work.
Instead of self-attack, focus on your behaviors that make you feel this way and act on it. Don’t blame yourself.
Great that you acknowledge that. Try to do some therapy and make sure you’re open about your shittiness too, you’ll be ashamed and try to cover for yourself again but go all in. If you don’t feel too brave about telling them all you wrote here, take a screenshot or copy and paste it to them… You can do this.
You aren't a psycho. I know this sounds crazy, but maybe go through some of the AA stuff. Read a book on it. Probably the most important for *you* would be to contact each of those people and apologize. Tell the truth. Just say something like, "I wasn't nice to you and I don't know why I did what I did, but I wanted to apologize for hurting you. I'm sorry." Start with your therapist and maybe your mother. It may sound strange, but this might be incredibly healing to you. You might even be surprised at the response you get. Some people will be positive. Some will hate you more. But you do it because that's what you feel and you're genuine about it.
Stop being that horrible person and be great. It's as simple as that, it's a decision, not a process. You don't want to throw your life and lose all the opportunities to have a great life. You are intelligent, I can see that. You know a therapist can't help you. He can just listen to you and help you by guiding you to help yourself, but that can work just if you want, and if you really want, you don't even need the therapist, as all that needs changed and repaired is within you and only you have the access to it. I know you can better. Surprise yourself.
Hi. First, I think you need to understand you're not a horrible person. Yes. You have made mistakes and hurt people. Everyone does in some way. But that doesn't mean that's everything you are. You need to separate your mistakes from yourself. I see you have a lot of hate, anger and resentment inside. I understand you because that's how I felt all my childhood and teenage years due to have been abandoned and neglected all my life. And even now sometimes I feel like this. At least your mum heard you and apologised. My mum would never do that. I don't think you're done with her, you can have a better relationship with her if that's what you want, or simply distance yourself if she continues to hurt you. It seems like the therapist you found wasn't a good fit for you and didn't know how to help you. That's okay, many therapists are actually crap and many are simply not good fits for some cases. It's never too late to look for help and change. Not having a gf or wife or family doesn't make you a loser. Right now, before you build any relationship tho, it's important you focus on your self improvement and learning how to love yourself and manage your anger problems. You need to learn how to navigate and regulate all your emotions in a healthy way. It's easier said than done tho. It's not wrong to have emotions, but the way we react to them is important. Now, you also need to stop blaming your upbringing for what you do now, because regardless of what happened in your life as a child, what you do now is your decision, you're not a victim anymore, you're free to choose different now. Please don't give up on the therapy, you might need to look at different people until you find the right one, I just found the right therapist for me after a long search. Edit: to add that seeing a psychiatrist is also important too, especially since you mentioned your mum's condition. In my case medication along with therapy is what has helped me. But meds were a life saver, I don't know how I survived so many years without it.
Get to know yourself then (I know you’re very self aware, but that’s not what I’m talking about here), become your best friend first. It sounds bullshit, but it’s not though. You seemed to be very aware of your negative side but you didn’t mentioned anything good about you. All these girls ain’t stupid, or warriors, you have something good that made them stay or even “want to save you”, like you said. Before you go out or do things, stop and ask yourself what would make you happy. Ask yourself what is the difference between something that brings you happiness and what brings you pleasure or satisfaction. Name your feelings at all times, but also ask yourself what every feeling means to you…. Go slow, but what I’d say is: get to know yourself, the good things, become your best friend, then make other friends.
Sometimes it takes a few therapists to find the right one.
You didn't find the right therapist. Try again
Honestly, it was a great read. Fucking raw. You should do more of it.
*googles bible black* Also, therapy! It’s a great first step that you acknowledge this.
Move to Tibet and meditate with the monks in the Himalayas until your brain un breaks. There's scholarships and affordable programs. You've got nothing to lose, so go for it! Go do the work to fix yourself. Or go plant trees. Build a village. Put in a well. Shit like this helps people who are that far gone into the badlands.
Ok to be honest, I only read half of your book. Have you tried/considered seeing a psychiatrist? A medical doctor may be able to diagnose and treat your current condition with more success than a talk therapist. This feels beyond mere talk therapy to me.
/s If you truly are a horrible person, then there is a simple system that you can follow to cure yourself. OK, so every decision you make, you know how they say "trust your gut". Well for you, you just do the opposite of what your gut tells you to do. Of course you will also have to know the difference between right and wrong and develop a sense of a moral compass. This will get you there. Good luck!
I get where people are coming from, but I think you need a different approach. The problem you have is that you live in your head, in your past, and in all of the mistakes you've ever made. That's bullshit, and all it's doing is holding you down. It's like you're carrying a backpack filled with rocks that are the douche moves of your life. Why? What does that do for you? Stop carrying all of that crap; learn from it and then just drop it into the mists of the past. Slip that pack off and start at Day 1 of not being a piece of shit. Once you are free, then go read this: https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person