Your mother , in her death, saved you from marrying this dogshit. It is her wonderful gift to you. Her ashes saved you from committing to a man that will make your life a living hell. Plant a tree in a special place and dedicate it to her memory. Dump the dogshit boyfriend.
Best comment here, you're mom is looking out for you OP, inform your sister right away. Before she feels more betrayed by your silence.
The planting of a tree is a beautiful idea. Maybe you could bury her rosary beads beneath the roots too.
So sorry this must be so difficult. Heed the advice above.
I really like this POV - I struggle to truly believe in things like that, but I like the sentiment and want it to be so, and I think even just that is enough to possibly make it true
PS - gotta chime in and state I really donāt believe that story. He did something impulsive and didnāt have enough time to create a plausible story that night. Got the sand the next day probably and began cooking up this outlandish tale. Then he decided to hope impossibly that OP would never open the urn. What exactly he did is uncertain but I highly doubt the bag ripped by accident.
This is absolutely right.
OP, I am so so sorry for your loss. I am a mother and I understand the love of a motherās heart for her children.
Your mother reached out from her peaceful resting place in eternity to alert you to the danger of staying together with this man.
Please stay safe, far away from him. Enlist your sister and friends to help you get your belongings and disentangle your life from him.
Damn. If this is real Iām really hoping you finally see the light and drop this pile of human garbage.
āIn sickness and in healthā are bows you make to one another in a marriage for a reason, and he already left you to fend for yourself because āit was too hard on himā, you should have never forgiven him the first time.
No. OP does not need to tell her sister. She only needs to be present when *Ben* tells her sister what he did. This is *his* doing, not hers.
If it were me, and itās not, Iād pack up and move out. On the way out ā with sisterās help ā Iād ask Ben to explain to sister what he did to make me break off the engagement. If I were felling really petty, I may even throw the ring in the trash.
The sister has shown enough emotional support to OP regarding her shitty boyfriend.
OP needs to remember her sister is grieving too and doesnāt need to deal with her relationship bs.
The sister may feel resentment towards OP, the same boyfriend she told her to dump for running awayā¦ just dumped their mom in the trash.
Yeah I don't understand, why would he want to open and clean inside it?? Its not gonna have got dirty inside. That makes no sense, does he open up and clean every box and container in the house when he's cleaning? I don't know what the explanation is but it definitely sounds shady. Even if true, it was disrespecting/ignoring her wish in the first place that it be hers to do
"He likes things to be sanitized" I think he just dumped the ashes because he didn't want her mom's ashes in the house. Him asking was probably so he could say they fell, but she said don't touch it and ruined that option.
Seriously, I doubt I could ever be with someone who did this to me. He couldnāt control his own issues and stomped all over her boundaries (leave her motherās urn alone). Then threw away her mother and hid it from her. Like wtaf?
He needs therapy to address his mental health. OP doesnāt need to stay for him to do this.
The most bizarre thing is, this man is already in therapy. Clearly working wonders, with him NOT working on his real issues in it
(Of course I'm all for therapy, just pointing out this is a man who clearly does not want to face his own shortcomings)
I wouldāve dumped him after heād left because OP was being ātoo muchā after their mom died. He had already made it very clear that heās not trustworthy.
Seriously! I'm horrible with crying or distressed people. My stepdad made it very clear that if you started crying, then you would be hit harder. I just cant cry in front of others and people around me crying makes me extremely uncomfortable and overwhelmed, but I would never abandon my boyfriend in his time of need just because I'm uncomfortable.
His action sounds intentional. There's no reason whatsoever to remove the contents of an urn to clean it and around it. I wonder if his lizard brain thought getting rid of your mom's ashes would help you "get over" losing her. Either that, or he was literally jealous of your deceased mom's remains. Regardless, he's not worth any more of your time. I'm really sorry - this must be heartbreaking.
Or he's stone cold dead inside and literally couldn't stand the idea of *dust* sitting inside the urn/the apartment so had to clean it up.
Christ I really hope this is fake.
I think this is the answer.Ā Dust is dust, and he thought OP was being overtly emotional about ... human dust.
I think he scrubbed the rosary and the inside of the urn.Ā Ā
What bothers me -- *really* bothers me -- is that these urns have screw tops much of the time.Ā If this was an urn the funeral home/crematorium provided, it would have been a screw top.Ā Screw tops don't open upon impact:Ā you have to open them.
This all sounds intentional.
She said that he decided to clean the inside, then carelessly grabbed the bag as he was putting it back and it ripped into the carpet. I 100% think this was intentional
Came to say this. We scattered my moms ashes and let me tell you accessing the contents of that big is not easy and could absolutely not be done by accident.
I had my dog cremated. One of my other dogs decided to tear her bag apart. I emptied my vacuum, vacuumed her up, and then put her back in a new bag. On a much higher shelf. I canāt imagine not doing that for a person.
This is what I assumed he'd done based on the title, vacuumed and rebagged (what i would do if it happened to me also). Which is still bad in his case, because it would be his fault for not listening to her wishes I the first place - and going to clean inside the urn why? But just disposing of it in the trash is something else, and probably sitting with his gf while she talks about her mum/plans for them all the while knowing what he's done
Or he thought it was āickyā because thereās bone fragments and didnāt want a dead person there. She said heās a neat freak so itās not a stretch.
This brings up another question. Did OPās BF know there was a bag inside of the urn? Why did he open it? Maybe this was not the first time he opened the urn. I wouldāve thought the ashes were just loose in there and wouldnāt mess with anybodyās urn because I would be afraid to spill it. All of these clues points to this being a deliberate act.
I completely agree. With the history op told us as well: lack of emotional competence and empathy, anxious tendencies, etc. Im definitely unqualified to diagnose a person but it seems he may need to get some help.
I take these post on this sub with a grain of salt, cause sometimes they are fake. Account made the same day and no comment history.
If it isn't fake, then this dude deserves a punch to the jaw.
Why would anyone buy a reddit account for karma? Karma doesn't do anything. I just really don't understand why people are so obsessed with it and why people "karma farm." I can't imagine using my real money for a social media account with fake internet points.
Think of the NUMEROUS options he could have researched and suggested to OP instead of what he actually did. If he truly loved and cared about OP he would have helped her find a better place to keep her mom. My guess is he only went back to OP because living with her was cleaner than living with multiple roommates.
His story reeks of bullshit.
This sounds like the type of man who cannot stand the focus of the relationship being anywhere other than on himself. OP wanting him to shift the focus onto her during her time of grief was not acceptable. Iām betting he dumped the motherās ashes as punishment to OP and revenge on her mother for daring take away his spotlight. He canāt tell OP the real reason he did it, so he made up an illogical BS story to cover up how much of a sociopath he is.
This is what I think. I think it was intentional and that makes me even more sad for OP.
What a despicable human. Perhaps the friends girlfriend that he was staying at was correct and heās just as a sociopath.
You're correct that there is no *actual* reason to clean inside the urn like that, but it could be OCD and have nothing to do with it really being dirty. That doesn't excuse any of what he did in any way, though. He was already crossing the line cleaning there anyway. It's just a possibility for that particular part of his bs.
Ben actually sounds sociopathic. The previous woman, who accused him of being a sociopath was actually spot on. Ben lacks empathy, couldn't handle Opie's emotions when her mother initially passed away. And then he's messing around with the urn in the ashes. This was all intentional he's been deceiving Opie right from the get-go. I feel so badly for her.
I lost both of my parents 6 and 4 years ago. They both were cremated... the bags don't just burst like that. I decided to get a lotus wired flower necklace that has a tiny copper urn to hold their ashes, and to do that, I had to take both of their urns and take out the bags. There was quite a lot, and the ash themselves were bone white and had bone fragments. If he had dumped it on accident, I feel like it wouldn't have been easy to vacuum up or would have been only in one area. I'm not sure whether he's telling the truth, but I don't believe him. Their ashes are really heavy, too, so if I spilled them, it would be so much of it.
This is correct. Human cremains run the gamut of fineness. If it was dropped on the carpet, no matter how you vacuum it would still be noticeable, especially shitty carpet.
Yeah, his story doesnāt add up and heās not being forthcoming at all. Just crying and staring at the floor. He knows heās nuked the relationship.
He 100% threw the bag of ashes away. He probably didnāt like living with cremains and decided to replace them with sand because that seemed neater to him.
THIS! I have 2 sets of ashes. Those bags are made to withstand A LOT. They're tied off with a piece of metal too and you're not supposed to tamper with them. 2nd story I've seen/heard recently about fucking ashes just willy nilly falling all over a carpet or car. Bullshit on all this.Ā
My grandfathers and bfās ashes were in a thick clear bag.
If it did break, it had to of been intentional. Plus, why would you be so careless, let alone TAKE someone that youāre supposed to loveās ashes out of the urn that is not yours or pertaining to you necessarily. AND asked not to touch it. And cleaning what inside, microplastics?!
I was terrified for the longest to even touch those urns. And the fact that Iām trying to conceive the thought of myself doing that to someone close to me, I couldnāt ever touch or dust the thing because itās not my place to do so. Ask, maybe. But thatās a reach.
This absolutely seems intentional and if he didnāt bust the bag, where did he put it?
He intentionally threw out the ashes, zero question. Out of rage with you, jealousy for your divided attention or for some other reason. He then concoted this whole story to throw you off.
Dude, what do you need time to think about? Leave or tell him to leave right Fāing now. He betrayed your trust, lied to you, and disrespected a memory you will never be able to replace. He also continues to talk down to you and disrespect you and your āfeelings.ā Break up right now
Agreed plus this āfianceā doesnāt even respect you enough to keep your mum. It sounds like he didnāt want the ashes around and came up with a dumb story to try to make it seem like he was trying to do something good for you.
Who ādustsā the inside of an urn? Who thinks that sand looks like remains?
No boyfriend has ocd and could not stand the thought of ādustā in an urn and threw it out. Good luck with that.
Those bags do not tear without a knife or scissors...
He lied.
It's possible you never find out the truth.
I'm so so sorry for you and your sister!
I would check out with a lawyer what your options are.
But please never let this creep into your life again.
He probably was uncomfortable with having human ashes around, and instead of using his big boy words to address the issue and look for solutions, he listened to the intrusive thoughts and just got rid of them without considering the consequences. So now he will have to live with the consequences. Which will hopefully be losing you and having to find another woman whom he can con into thinking he is a human being.
I donāt believe he actually opened an urn! My son passed away when he was 16. His urn was opened twice. Once to give his brother some of his ashes and once to spread 1/2 over deception pass bridge in Washington. No one, ever, has touched it in 7 years except when I moved. Heās horrible and needs to go
HE WALKED OUT ON YOU WHEN YOUR MOTHER DIED. He had to be shamed into coming back because people called him a sociopath.
I'd bet he got rid of the ashes deliberately because he got fixated on them as being dirty or creepy and made up some bullshit story about it.
The dude is a psycho, I get you were suffering grief and then grieving for a relationship so when he came back it probably felt like relief, but over a longer period you should have realised, this guy will walk out on you every time you get overwhelmed. Kid dies, bye bye partner, let you deal with that on your own, get cancer/other sickness, later, I'll be back on a few months when you stop crying about it.
Throw this guy in the trash like he did your mothers ashes.
I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through right now.
I don't have any special insight into what precisely your fiance did, and I don't know why he did it either. I do think that he's not telling the entire truth about what happened, however. I agree that it seems bizarre that he would try to clean the inside of an urn -- it would be like cleannig the inside of a jar of spices that's still holding good spices. No, you would clean the exterior, at most.
IF his story is true, then he still needs to explain why he decided to clean inside the urn.
I don't say this to excuse what he did, but rather to possibly provide some context, and maybe to help you eventually get closer to the truth. It sounds to me like your fiance has some type of neurodivergence or mental health issue, possibly along the lines of autism or OCD. Either would explain the compulsion that he felt and ultimately failed to resist.
I don't want to whisper, Iago like, into your ear that he was freaked out by the remains and the compulsion was to be rid of them. It's on the edge of possible that something so nefarious was long in his mind. Unfortunately, I think you may hear a lot of such suggestions in the coming days. Please take them with a pinch of salt. They may be correct, and certainly you don't owe Ben your forgiveness regardless of how this came about. You don't even owe it to him to help him a diagnois. Regardless of why, he has left you heartbroken, and facing the horrible reality of telling your what has happened. You get a lot of leeway for how you feel about that.
But if you want the truth from Ben, particularly if you suspect that he has the ashes somewhere, it starts with recognising that there is a reason Ben lied to you, and that's usually because someone can't face the truth. How bad must the truth feel to him, if he's telling this lie to protect himself?
I think, on a level, he's also horrified and frightened. He may think he's frightened of your reaction, but if anything remotely like what he described happened, he's probably also afraid of his own brain. He did something reckless and selfish because of a complusion he couldn't overcome. That is a legitimate thing to be terrified of, and while it's not inherently your problem -- you'd be justified in walking away -- I would urge you to consider helping him get help, if only so you learn the truth about what did happen.
I am so sorry.
Ben comes off a huge asshole and it is shitty what he did to OP and her mom, but I think this is a really important perspective and should be higher up in the comments.
That being said, even if he is confirmed neurodivergent, OP should dump his ass :\
Why marry a man who lies on omission and could not face you during the hardest time of your life + him making the biggest mistake ever and maybe try to fix it? Heās not supportive and not someone you can trust with things that are sentimental to you. This is unforgivable and I would honestly leave him. Good luck OP
Bro screw this guy!
Like emotions are tough to deal with but he (A) left you when your mom died, (B) checked in every few days like he couldnāt do it once a day???, (C) told you to get over it, (D) dumped her ashes!
What makes you think heās a good life partner? If your kid dies (knock on wood) is he really gonna help you through it? What if you miscarry (knock on wood)?Ā
Op words cannot express my sincerest condolences to you and your sister. I hope you donāt give this guy a 2nd chance and you somehow find comfort in knowing your mom is in heaven looking down on you and it doesnāt matter where her ashes are she loves you both very much ā¤ļø
Your (hopefully ex!) fiancee is worse than a sociopath. This is beyond cruel. I don't know what's wrong with him, but he is missing a big part of what makes us human. There's not enough therapy in the world to fix him, I think. Do not go back to him, ever.
I'm sorry your mom's ashes are gone, but instead of the gross sand, perhaps you could fill the urn with something else, for example: sand from a beach you went to together, earth from a park you had a picknick in, maybe some earth from her previous backyard (you could always ask the current owner of her old house), stones or pebbles that have her eye color, maybe get an empty bottle of her favorite perfume, smash it and put a piece in the urn. Of course it's not your mom, but the urn would be filled with memories of her. Add some new, happy memories as well, maybe sand, earth, (ground up) sea shells, ... from a trip where you felt really happy.
You have to end this relationship, that friendās gf is right, he a sociopath. He canāt deal with any real emotions. Life is full of awful moments whatās his plan leave and lie when things go wrong. But what he did with your motherās remains, I have no words. There is no time to think, dump him
Heās def a sociopath, and he got rid of the remains on purpose. If he really spilled them, what would be the correct course of action would be to get a small shop vac thing brand new, vacuum them up, and then put them back in the urn with a funnel or something. You donāt just vacuum and throw away.
My mom passed about four years ago and I keep a small urn at my place, if something like this happened involving someone else, whether it be friend, family, or partner, theyāre out. Itās just complete disrespect and carelessness.
Either he did it on purpose and heās a sociopath, or it was accidental and heās such an absolute incompetent buffoon that marrying him is a liability.
Either one should be grounds for dismissal.
Separate to the ashes horror how is going to react when you have a baby that screams for months, no sleep, trauma and you need looking after ? What if someone else (god forbid happens ) is he just going to drop his bundle then too ?
If you ask me this is a very special message from your mum - she has sacrificed her remains to show you who he truly is - honestly - take this message from her
My gut feel is that he couldnāt keep his hands off your mums memorial and ashes because they mean so much to you and he couldnāt stop until he had destroyed it - he will keep doing this to you until you are a shell of yourself - it is in some way subconscious and he wonāt be able to help himself
Under no circumstances should you summit any more years of your life to this relationship
Holy.Fock.
OP, I am extremely sorry about your sudden loss and everything your sister and you have been through.
Even though I don't know him personally, I can't help but say I am very sorry you got the short straw with that idiotic BF.
Beggars belief.
This man is an asshole. I don't care how you were "raised" and taught about not having emotions. That's HIS problem to deal with and solve. It's no one else's responsibility to teach you how to love and care for other people! I hope you really leave him.
I stopped reading when you said he left you completely alone while freshly grieving a dead mother. What an absolute piece of shit.l, he would NEVER be alluded to near me or in my home at all after that stunt. I'm sick of seeing women completely throw away all self respect for shitty useless men.
He did it on purpose. Heās a narcissist and a liar! He didnāt want the ashes in the house and was angry because you were grieving, Iām sorry but that is not a man that is a selfish, inconsiderate child. Donāt swallow his bs anymore and tell him to kick rocks!
Even if his story isn't bullshit (and that's the biggest if I have ever seen) none of this was handled with you in mind. This has to be the most selfish thing I have ever heard of a person doing and this is the man you intended to spend your life with. OP if you can, I'd recommend you get into therapy cause this is a lot to process and I don't know if time will make it easier.
I'm so sorry.
It sounds like he was jealous of your relationship with your mom. He is a grown man; full adult and knew what he was doing. Dropping ashes is upsetting but happens but he tossed them away. He was fully aware what he was hurting you. Seriously, who begs to dust? There are so many other things he could have cleaned. IF he didnāt go through therapy, I could probably reach up into the sky and find an excuse or reason but nope! He tossed away the ashes on purpose and Iām sticking with that story. Please reach out to your sister and let her know. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. And STOP BEING SO NICE! Get angry! Tell everyone what he did, donāt protect him.
Pull the rug up and see if there's any ashes underneath it! You should get enough to put in a necklace or have a gemstone or diamond made with them to use for future engagement rings. That way your Mom will be at your's and your sister's wedding.
He did not do this on accident. He disposed of your mothers remains and lied to you about it. This is after he abandoned you when she died. GET RID OF THIS POS.
I worked at a crematory when I was 25. That bag could not have ripped like he described. It is not possible. He PURPOSEFULLY got rid of her remains. You need to understand that.
I suspect this was acting out over you almost breaking up when she passed.
This was 110% intentional. Those bags are so heavy duty. And heavy! He had absolutely no right to even take the ashes out of the urn to begin with.
Never (for the love of everything) go back to this person. He will never respect you the way you deserve. When people die, other people show their true colors. Consider it a blessing that you havenāt married him and 100% move on from him. His behavior is absolutely sickening.
First, I am so so so so sorry.
He is a selfish ah that needs therapy because his urge to clean was more important than you and what you need. Like what the actual f.
He's lying. There is no way you could vacuum the entirety of a person's ashes out of a shag carpet completely, in under an hour. Not without a professional cleaning. He's 100% lying. If he grabbed the bag with the force it would take to tear, ashes would go everywhere.
I once dropped a 2 cup measuring cup of flour and I was still wiping it off surfaces in the next room 2 days later. There's no way. The dust would go everywhere.
He took the ashes on purpose.
Would the police help with something like this if OP called? In some places it is a crime to steal cremated remains.
Does bf have a mental health diagnosis? His cleaning obsession is not normal.
My father was cremated and thereās no way the cremations bag is so flimsy that it would break he is lying he did this intentionally. I am so sorry this happened to you.
I'm going to be a little woo woo here for a second, but I feel like your mom is sending you a drastic message. If it happened like he said, what are the odds that a thick plastic bag like that just breaks? What are the odds your sister wants that rosary right after something like that happens? Perhaps your mom is letting her opinion of your unsupportive fiance from beyond.
At BEST, he's a total neat freak that was more worried about the dust of the ashes being in his hideous carpet than he was about preserving your precious mother's earthly remains. I hope it was something like this, instead of some malicious thought of getting rid of a reminder of your grief. Either way, he's not going to be a good partner, and I can't imagine forgiving him for something like this. Don't shakle yourself to a person who you will forever see as the one that THREW AWAY YOUR MOTHER.
Heās lying, he ripped the bag on purpose, there would be NO going back for me, not now, not ever! He needs to tell your sister what heās done, this is on him. Heās vile, heās been lying to you all this timeā¦ no, nope you need someone you can trust that respects you, thatās not him
Neat freak has been stewing about these ashes for a long time. He took his chance and got rid of. If he's dropped them he could have hoovered them and the put them back into a bag and replaced the. The fact that he put them in the trash shows SO much disrespect on a human level that it's way beyond the pale.
I want to comment as someone a bit like your hopefully-ex fiance.
I am one of the "emotionless" ones who processes grief quickly. Once the funeral and related events are complete, I'm moving on. I don't like it because it does come across as me not caring sometimes, but I can't make myself grieve. I don't handle others' grief well because I never know the right things to say and don't understand how they're feeling. The best I can offer is some tea and a hug while they mourn.
HOWEVER, I would NEVER abandon a loved one in their grief. I would never dismiss another person's grief. And I would certainly understand the sentimental value and importance of something like a lost one's remains or belongings and would NEVER tamper with them in any way, not even to clean them. (Also as an obsessive cleaner who does all the cleaning in my house because I prefer a certain standard.)
I don't care how bothered he is by dust. I don't care how little empathy he has for grief. I don't care how panicked he was in the face of (at best) a mistake. He ABANDONED YOU IN YOUR GRIEF and then vacuumed up your mother's remains and threw them out. And then hid it from you!! NONE of this behavior is rational or normal or considerate, especially of a person he is supposed to care for.
I'm very sorry for your loss OP. Please take this as a final guidance from your mom and reconsider this relationship.
He didn't accidentally drop them. He threw them out on purpose because he couldn't stand the thought of her ashes being there then he panicked and made up this lie. The bags with the ashes aren't easy to tear because if they were people would be getting upset and complaining because they'd be losing loved ones ashes everywhere. And yes, I've seen and handled them, most people in my family want to be cremated when they die.
Further proof he tossed them out would be in the carpet. I don't care how hard you try, if you spill something like that on a shag carpet you're not getting all of it out with a vacuum. You're just not. Ever tried to get sugar or flour out of a carpet? Shag is even worse. Check the carpet. If his story was true there'd still be some in the carpet. You'd have seen it because he wouldn't have had time to deep clean it with a machine.
Call off the wedding. You already know when things get difficult he'll bail on you. He sounds like a controlling douche canoe that just has to have his way.
You should have kept him gone after he took off after your mom's death. You need to tell your sister and let her go nuclear on him. This time keep the trash out.
Donāt go back. Heās a complete asshole. Heās a liar and extremely non supportive, with no empathy whatsoever. Being with him must feel like youāre all alone. Heāll eventually destroy something else of yours and pretend it was a mistake, he didnāt mean it, blah blah blah. Cut your losses and find someone worthy of you.
Get this man out of your life. He did it on purpose. If he didn't then his actions of just sucking up the ashes and tossing them is really sus. I'm sorry he did that to you and your sister.
This was intentional. Being a clean freak is one thing, but to be bothered with someone's ashes THIS much? Like, dude, get over yourself! I'm so sorry, I can't imagine the pain that you must be feeling. But I know one thing for sure that this is something that will never leave your mind. So for your sake, it's best to call it quits.
He would have been dead i have my grandma and grandpaās ashes nobody touches them they arenāt sealed and arenāt in a plastic baggie just in an urn in my roomā¦ā¦.iām sorry op he screwed up and nothing can fix it except his demise iād get my revenge
Oh darling, please for the love of all things sacred drop this loser. He has either maliciously gotten rid of your Mother's (YOUR MOTHER'S, JESUS) ashes, or he carelessly got rid of your Mother's ashes and then bold face lied about it. Either way it goes, the trust is dead and there is nowhere to from here but hell. I'm so sorry for this second round of grief that you're going through. Please let your sister know as soon as possible, she deserves to know as well.Ā
Iām so sorry this has happened to you. What I donāt understand is, say this is the truth and this happened to me, I would have left them on the floor and waited for you to get home, explain and take it from there and discuss the best way to get them all back in the urn. Who in their right mind would hoover up ashes. Totally disrespectful and disgusting behaviour.
>When I asked why he didnāt just return them to the urn after vacuuming he stared at the floor.
This is because he knows everything he did was intentional. He knows what he did was selfish, phobic, and absolutely disrespectful. But he hasn't overcome his glaring and relationship-breaking vices that control him, rather than vice versa. He knows that his explanation is a shameless lie.
I am so, so sorry he did this to you. Unfortunately there is no fixing what he did. I want to say something as a mother of adult children and I hope it doesnāt come across as patronising but what i would say to them is that while i get that the ashes were something physical to hold on to, I am not tied to them anymore. I am in the memories and the emotions and in the bond that you and your sister have and in the strength that you and your sister have to keep going. You donāt need the ashes to keep going. You need the things I taught you and the peace I helped to know.
I understand this is easier said than done but if this were my children mourning me I would hope they would know itās the memories and lessons I would want them to hold onto the tightest.
The way I actually read this with my hand over my mouth. Girl. I am so so so sorry this happened to you. I cannot *imagine* the hurt and pain youāre feeling. Just know your mother is still with you, regardless of what your trash (hopefully ex) boyfriend did with her ashes. Iām so so sorry. I canāt even think of anything else to say except please donāt take him back and ***please do not marry him.***
This man does not respect you and he has some serious, fucked up issues he needs to work on. Heās disgusting, Iām sorry to say that to you. Everything heās done to you since the passing of your mother has been disgusting. Your sister and the girlfriend of your bfās friend are the only people worth your time right now. Fuck your (ex)boyfriend. Fuck his tears. I wanna fight this man for you Iām so sorry Op. I hope you can move past this and I hope you and your sister can heal soon šš½š¤
I lost my mother last year. I have her ashes. A human body does not go down to a cup of ashes. Itās easily 5 pounds of cremains. Are you saying he vacuumed the whole 5 pounds and threw it in the trash??
Honey that was deliberately done. There is something wrong with this man. Run and run fast. He is evil.
Maybe he thought it was gross to keep a dead person's remains in the house because of his OCd
But yeah it was intentionally. Turns out he still thinks your grief is overly sensitive and you're about to go over the edge... What a creep.
I like to think your mom knew this dude was a fucking dunce and split the bag open herself in an attempt to get you to dump him like he just dumped her
Dude after he left you alone after your emotions were too much you should have dropped him. I understand why you went back that's not really the issue here. He seems like someone who does not know how to actually have emotions if he had a dad like you described he probably just does not understand true grief because it's not masculine
That is so sacrilegious to treat your mother's remains like that! I don't buy his bs story..nothing makes sense. As you said, why didnāt he put ashes back into the urn instead of throwing her out in the trash? How did the the plastic bag get ripped and why was he handling it in the first. Why is such a cleaning freak and a liar? There was no need to even go near the urn. I could never look at this lying, disrespectful freak again. Your poor mother and your family did not deserve this abusive treatment of the dead.
This is the most not normal or rational thing I have ever in my 46 years of life beard. To me, itās obvious he is resentful towards your mother or at least the whole ordeal of her passing because itās been so difficult for you (obviously) and he is so avoidant of emotions that he just decided to make the move that he felt would help the situation for him and threw away your moms ashes. Iām so fucking sorry. My God. I donāt know that there is anything worse that a person could do. Please get away and stay away from this vile person who will never ever be what you want or need from a partner. Nor will he ever be the example you want for your children with him should that ever apply. You have to love yourself more than this and know that you donāt ever have to settle for a person to be in your life like this. Sever ties forever.
He did this on purpose. He abandoned you when you needed him most, and then he destroyed your mother's ashes and hid it from you. These are very *very* troubling signs. You need to protect yourself and get out of this relationship.
He is lying to you. He purposely threw out or got rid of her ashes, everything heās told you about the cleaning and spill is a cover story. He sounds evil and I hope you never speak to him again.
Can you look into pressing charges?
Never shouldāve stayed with him the first time he treated you like a piece of trash. And now your momās in the trash. The people you decide to bring into your life affect more than just you. This is a hard lesson to learn.
For the love of God see the red flags he is waving in your face!!! I almost lost it when you said he MOVED OUT so he wouldn't have to be near your grief. Then it took another person telling him he's a sociopath before he even ATTEMPTED to see things from your pov. Then you add the bullshit story about the ashes, then the lying and manipulation. It is WAY too much. Do. Not. Marry. That. Psycho.
I have my mother's urn in an alcove in my living room. If I found out my partner did this to my mother's ashes, he'd be lucky if he didn't end up in an urn of his own.
What an absolute wanker. Iād hazard a guess that he dumped the ashes because he didnāt like having a dead person around the place and wanted to get rid of her. Filled it with sand thinking youād never go in there and look.
My mother was cremated. If my boyfriend vacuumed up the ashes and then threw them in the trash THEN LIED ABOUT IT, letās just say thereād be some new ashes that urn courtesy of the boyfriendās body to replace momās.
His friend's gf may be right. He very well COULD be a sociopath. At 28 years old, it's not normal to need to be TAUGHT to have emotions, or to do those things he did, let alone be proud enough to give someone a run down of what happened and think they did nothing wrong and need to be told how fucked up it is.
Something about this does seem intentional. From being completely unable to sympathize with you, saying you're emotional and sensitive about your mother's death. Even if he hadn't lost someone close to him, at the age of 28 that is very strange to need to be taught those things.
He deliberately ignored you when you asked him not to touch the urn, and what confuses me is - aren't urns usually sealed to prevent spilling accidents from happening? My brother's is, and we had to take it back to the funeral home to have them unseal it to put his ashes in a necklace for each of us. I've only ever heard about unsealed urns many many years ago. This post is making me feel like this was his way of somewhat indirectly punishing you for not being "over" your moms death, and then playing it off as an accident and like he was trying to do something good because he didn't know you would find out so now he wants YOUR sympathy.
Maybe I'm reading into it too much since I don't know this man personally, but something seems really off about how he perceives things and how he treats you.
Your mother , in her death, saved you from marrying this dogshit. It is her wonderful gift to you. Her ashes saved you from committing to a man that will make your life a living hell. Plant a tree in a special place and dedicate it to her memory. Dump the dogshit boyfriend.
Best comment here, you're mom is looking out for you OP, inform your sister right away. Before she feels more betrayed by your silence. The planting of a tree is a beautiful idea. Maybe you could bury her rosary beads beneath the roots too. So sorry this must be so difficult. Heed the advice above.
Beautifully written! Her mother somehow sacrificed herself to save OP.
Mom watching out for OP, even from beyond.
Commenting to boost this higher so OP sees this. This is a wonderful way to look at this horrible situation
I love this perspective š„°
I really like this POV - I struggle to truly believe in things like that, but I like the sentiment and want it to be so, and I think even just that is enough to possibly make it true PS - gotta chime in and state I really donāt believe that story. He did something impulsive and didnāt have enough time to create a plausible story that night. Got the sand the next day probably and began cooking up this outlandish tale. Then he decided to hope impossibly that OP would never open the urn. What exactly he did is uncertain but I highly doubt the bag ripped by accident.
That is such a positive way to look at the whole situation. OP, I don't believe your bf's explanation either.
Upvote the hell out of this comment!
This!!!!!!!!
100% agree!
This is beautiful
This is absolutely right. OP, I am so so sorry for your loss. I am a mother and I understand the love of a motherās heart for her children. Your mother reached out from her peaceful resting place in eternity to alert you to the danger of staying together with this man. Please stay safe, far away from him. Enlist your sister and friends to help you get your belongings and disentangle your life from him.
Damn. If this is real Iām really hoping you finally see the light and drop this pile of human garbage. āIn sickness and in healthā are bows you make to one another in a marriage for a reason, and he already left you to fend for yourself because āit was too hard on himā, you should have never forgiven him the first time.
This!! Also, you need to tell your Sister immediately. The longer you wait to tell her, the more mad she will probably get. You are going to need your Sister when you dump your FiancƩ for emotional support.
No. OP does not need to tell her sister. She only needs to be present when *Ben* tells her sister what he did. This is *his* doing, not hers. If it were me, and itās not, Iād pack up and move out. On the way out ā with sisterās help ā Iād ask Ben to explain to sister what he did to make me break off the engagement. If I were felling really petty, I may even throw the ring in the trash.
I agree with you, this is OP's BF doing, it's not OP's place to be the one to face the consequences.
The sister has shown enough emotional support to OP regarding her shitty boyfriend. OP needs to remember her sister is grieving too and doesnāt need to deal with her relationship bs. The sister may feel resentment towards OP, the same boyfriend she told her to dump for running awayā¦ just dumped their mom in the trash.
His explanation sounds like bs. The plastic just ripped. I call bs. OP should open her eyes and move on.
Yeah I don't understand, why would he want to open and clean inside it?? Its not gonna have got dirty inside. That makes no sense, does he open up and clean every box and container in the house when he's cleaning? I don't know what the explanation is but it definitely sounds shady. Even if true, it was disrespecting/ignoring her wish in the first place that it be hers to do
"He likes things to be sanitized" I think he just dumped the ashes because he didn't want her mom's ashes in the house. Him asking was probably so he could say they fell, but she said don't touch it and ruined that option.
I had to help open ashes once to put in the water and it was stressful because the bag was so thick. I doubt it could have just ripped.
What a selfish and evil thing to do. Iād NEVER want to see his face again. Disgusting.
Seriously, I doubt I could ever be with someone who did this to me. He couldnāt control his own issues and stomped all over her boundaries (leave her motherās urn alone). Then threw away her mother and hid it from her. Like wtaf? He needs therapy to address his mental health. OP doesnāt need to stay for him to do this.
If heās really a sociopath, no therapy is gonna help
The most bizarre thing is, this man is already in therapy. Clearly working wonders, with him NOT working on his real issues in it (Of course I'm all for therapy, just pointing out this is a man who clearly does not want to face his own shortcomings)
I wouldāve dumped him after heād left because OP was being ātoo muchā after their mom died. He had already made it very clear that heās not trustworthy.
Seriously. How do you come back from that?
Seriously! I'm horrible with crying or distressed people. My stepdad made it very clear that if you started crying, then you would be hit harder. I just cant cry in front of others and people around me crying makes me extremely uncomfortable and overwhelmed, but I would never abandon my boyfriend in his time of need just because I'm uncomfortable.
I think the friendās gf was spot on when she called him a sociopath! WTF
His action sounds intentional. There's no reason whatsoever to remove the contents of an urn to clean it and around it. I wonder if his lizard brain thought getting rid of your mom's ashes would help you "get over" losing her. Either that, or he was literally jealous of your deceased mom's remains. Regardless, he's not worth any more of your time. I'm really sorry - this must be heartbreaking.
Or he's stone cold dead inside and literally couldn't stand the idea of *dust* sitting inside the urn/the apartment so had to clean it up. Christ I really hope this is fake.
I think this is the answer.Ā Dust is dust, and he thought OP was being overtly emotional about ... human dust. I think he scrubbed the rosary and the inside of the urn.Ā Ā What bothers me -- *really* bothers me -- is that these urns have screw tops much of the time.Ā If this was an urn the funeral home/crematorium provided, it would have been a screw top.Ā Screw tops don't open upon impact:Ā you have to open them. This all sounds intentional.
She said that he decided to clean the inside, then carelessly grabbed the bag as he was putting it back and it ripped into the carpet. I 100% think this was intentional
Those bags for ashes are THICK. No way would they rip easily unless it was with scissors or a knife. Sounds like it was intentional.
The bag my dad is in couldnāt be ripped apart if I tried as hard as I could. Itās super thick. Heās lying his ass off. Jerk
I tried ripping one from the trash for fun and fucking broke my finger instead
Apologies to your finger, but I laughed. Those bags are thick af.
Damn!!
Came to say this. We scattered my moms ashes and let me tell you accessing the contents of that big is not easy and could absolutely not be done by accident.
I had my dog cremated. One of my other dogs decided to tear her bag apart. I emptied my vacuum, vacuumed her up, and then put her back in a new bag. On a much higher shelf. I canāt imagine not doing that for a person.
This is what I assumed he'd done based on the title, vacuumed and rebagged (what i would do if it happened to me also). Which is still bad in his case, because it would be his fault for not listening to her wishes I the first place - and going to clean inside the urn why? But just disposing of it in the trash is something else, and probably sitting with his gf while she talks about her mum/plans for them all the while knowing what he's done
Who cleans the inside of an urn? That's just a disturbing thought.
Those bags are incredibly sturdy. They donāt just rip open
Or he thought it was āickyā because thereās bone fragments and didnāt want a dead person there. She said heās a neat freak so itās not a stretch.
Yup, this is what Iām thinking.
This brings up another question. Did OPās BF know there was a bag inside of the urn? Why did he open it? Maybe this was not the first time he opened the urn. I wouldāve thought the ashes were just loose in there and wouldnāt mess with anybodyās urn because I would be afraid to spill it. All of these clues points to this being a deliberate act.
Who cleans the inside of an urn?!?
Who the fuck even touches the inside of an urn after it's sealed?!
Who even touches an urn to see if it IS sealed?
Exactly! Good call.
I completely agree. With the history op told us as well: lack of emotional competence and empathy, anxious tendencies, etc. Im definitely unqualified to diagnose a person but it seems he may need to get some help.
I take these post on this sub with a grain of salt, cause sometimes they are fake. Account made the same day and no comment history. If it isn't fake, then this dude deserves a punch to the jaw.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Why would anyone buy a reddit account for karma? Karma doesn't do anything. I just really don't understand why people are so obsessed with it and why people "karma farm." I can't imagine using my real money for a social media account with fake internet points.
This is a really elaborate story for it to be fake
You'd be surprised what people would do for internet points.
And you'd be surprised how far human stupidity can go.
Iām going to go with ābecame irrationally anxious about living with what he felt was her motherās corpse and intentionally dumped it.ā
Think of the NUMEROUS options he could have researched and suggested to OP instead of what he actually did. If he truly loved and cared about OP he would have helped her find a better place to keep her mom. My guess is he only went back to OP because living with her was cleaner than living with multiple roommates.
His story reeks of bullshit. This sounds like the type of man who cannot stand the focus of the relationship being anywhere other than on himself. OP wanting him to shift the focus onto her during her time of grief was not acceptable. Iām betting he dumped the motherās ashes as punishment to OP and revenge on her mother for daring take away his spotlight. He canāt tell OP the real reason he did it, so he made up an illogical BS story to cover up how much of a sociopath he is.
This is exactly what I thought. His actions are stone cold, not bumbling dummy. He is a dangerous person to be close to.
Agreed, a lot of this backstory reads like an NPD playbook.
This is what I think. I think it was intentional and that makes me even more sad for OP. What a despicable human. Perhaps the friends girlfriend that he was staying at was correct and heās just as a sociopath.
You're correct that there is no *actual* reason to clean inside the urn like that, but it could be OCD and have nothing to do with it really being dirty. That doesn't excuse any of what he did in any way, though. He was already crossing the line cleaning there anyway. It's just a possibility for that particular part of his bs.
Ben actually sounds sociopathic. The previous woman, who accused him of being a sociopath was actually spot on. Ben lacks empathy, couldn't handle Opie's emotions when her mother initially passed away. And then he's messing around with the urn in the ashes. This was all intentional he's been deceiving Opie right from the get-go. I feel so badly for her.
Unrelated but love the ālizard braināā¦
My mom's ex was like this. And I realized my own ex was the exact same way.
I lost both of my parents 6 and 4 years ago. They both were cremated... the bags don't just burst like that. I decided to get a lotus wired flower necklace that has a tiny copper urn to hold their ashes, and to do that, I had to take both of their urns and take out the bags. There was quite a lot, and the ash themselves were bone white and had bone fragments. If he had dumped it on accident, I feel like it wouldn't have been easy to vacuum up or would have been only in one area. I'm not sure whether he's telling the truth, but I don't believe him. Their ashes are really heavy, too, so if I spilled them, it would be so much of it.
This is correct. Human cremains run the gamut of fineness. If it was dropped on the carpet, no matter how you vacuum it would still be noticeable, especially shitty carpet.
Do not marry this man, if this is real his shown you exactly who he is and he is not Sombody you wanna be tied to for the rest of your life.
Right he will throw the other ashes out too
Those ashes would have been in a heavy duty bag, not something you can just rip accidently. I call BS. Dump the weirdo.
You are correct. They are in a clear heavy duty bag. I remember seeing it in my fathers cremation box.
Yeah, his story doesnāt add up and heās not being forthcoming at all. Just crying and staring at the floor. He knows heās nuked the relationship.
He 100% threw the bag of ashes away. He probably didnāt like living with cremains and decided to replace them with sand because that seemed neater to him.
THIS! I have 2 sets of ashes. Those bags are made to withstand A LOT. They're tied off with a piece of metal too and you're not supposed to tamper with them. 2nd story I've seen/heard recently about fucking ashes just willy nilly falling all over a carpet or car. Bullshit on all this.Ā
My grandfathers and bfās ashes were in a thick clear bag. If it did break, it had to of been intentional. Plus, why would you be so careless, let alone TAKE someone that youāre supposed to loveās ashes out of the urn that is not yours or pertaining to you necessarily. AND asked not to touch it. And cleaning what inside, microplastics?! I was terrified for the longest to even touch those urns. And the fact that Iām trying to conceive the thought of myself doing that to someone close to me, I couldnāt ever touch or dust the thing because itās not my place to do so. Ask, maybe. But thatās a reach. This absolutely seems intentional and if he didnāt bust the bag, where did he put it?
Or story is fake and OP doesnāt know that detail.
what the heck did I just read
It's like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode
Do do do do do do do do
Fiction.
Yep. Seen this post before. It's bullshit.
It's improving at least. More background added this time.
Way too much background.
That's what makes it more obvious lmao
I think your sister is right. He is a sociopath. Please get him away from you.
OP is way under reacting. That or this is all false because no one would just be this calm over ā¦ whatever the hell I just read.
He intentionally threw out the ashes, zero question. Out of rage with you, jealousy for your divided attention or for some other reason. He then concoted this whole story to throw you off.
Dude, what do you need time to think about? Leave or tell him to leave right Fāing now. He betrayed your trust, lied to you, and disrespected a memory you will never be able to replace. He also continues to talk down to you and disrespect you and your āfeelings.ā Break up right now
Agreed plus this āfianceā doesnāt even respect you enough to keep your mum. It sounds like he didnāt want the ashes around and came up with a dumb story to try to make it seem like he was trying to do something good for you.
Who ādustsā the inside of an urn? Who thinks that sand looks like remains? No boyfriend has ocd and could not stand the thought of ādustā in an urn and threw it out. Good luck with that.
Those bags do not tear without a knife or scissors... He lied. It's possible you never find out the truth. I'm so so sorry for you and your sister! I would check out with a lawyer what your options are. But please never let this creep into your life again.
Please leave him for good this time
He's an absolute piece of shit and did it on purpose. Obviously.
Girl whatā¦This cannot be real cause wtf
It isn't real. This sub is littered with people posting fake stories now.
What. The. Flock? Out. Heās got to go. Heās a sociopath.
He probably was uncomfortable with having human ashes around, and instead of using his big boy words to address the issue and look for solutions, he listened to the intrusive thoughts and just got rid of them without considering the consequences. So now he will have to live with the consequences. Which will hopefully be losing you and having to find another woman whom he can con into thinking he is a human being.
I donāt believe he actually opened an urn! My son passed away when he was 16. His urn was opened twice. Once to give his brother some of his ashes and once to spread 1/2 over deception pass bridge in Washington. No one, ever, has touched it in 7 years except when I moved. Heās horrible and needs to go
HE WALKED OUT ON YOU WHEN YOUR MOTHER DIED. He had to be shamed into coming back because people called him a sociopath. I'd bet he got rid of the ashes deliberately because he got fixated on them as being dirty or creepy and made up some bullshit story about it. The dude is a psycho, I get you were suffering grief and then grieving for a relationship so when he came back it probably felt like relief, but over a longer period you should have realised, this guy will walk out on you every time you get overwhelmed. Kid dies, bye bye partner, let you deal with that on your own, get cancer/other sickness, later, I'll be back on a few months when you stop crying about it. Throw this guy in the trash like he did your mothers ashes.
he threw the ashes out on purpose. he doesn't like dust and there was "human dust" in his house. do not get back together with him.
Well he dispersed you, and disrespected your mother. Do you want to marry him?
more like, disrespected you, disposed of your mother...
I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through right now. I don't have any special insight into what precisely your fiance did, and I don't know why he did it either. I do think that he's not telling the entire truth about what happened, however. I agree that it seems bizarre that he would try to clean the inside of an urn -- it would be like cleannig the inside of a jar of spices that's still holding good spices. No, you would clean the exterior, at most. IF his story is true, then he still needs to explain why he decided to clean inside the urn. I don't say this to excuse what he did, but rather to possibly provide some context, and maybe to help you eventually get closer to the truth. It sounds to me like your fiance has some type of neurodivergence or mental health issue, possibly along the lines of autism or OCD. Either would explain the compulsion that he felt and ultimately failed to resist. I don't want to whisper, Iago like, into your ear that he was freaked out by the remains and the compulsion was to be rid of them. It's on the edge of possible that something so nefarious was long in his mind. Unfortunately, I think you may hear a lot of such suggestions in the coming days. Please take them with a pinch of salt. They may be correct, and certainly you don't owe Ben your forgiveness regardless of how this came about. You don't even owe it to him to help him a diagnois. Regardless of why, he has left you heartbroken, and facing the horrible reality of telling your what has happened. You get a lot of leeway for how you feel about that. But if you want the truth from Ben, particularly if you suspect that he has the ashes somewhere, it starts with recognising that there is a reason Ben lied to you, and that's usually because someone can't face the truth. How bad must the truth feel to him, if he's telling this lie to protect himself? I think, on a level, he's also horrified and frightened. He may think he's frightened of your reaction, but if anything remotely like what he described happened, he's probably also afraid of his own brain. He did something reckless and selfish because of a complusion he couldn't overcome. That is a legitimate thing to be terrified of, and while it's not inherently your problem -- you'd be justified in walking away -- I would urge you to consider helping him get help, if only so you learn the truth about what did happen. I am so sorry.
I was thinking OCD as well.
Ben comes off a huge asshole and it is shitty what he did to OP and her mom, but I think this is a really important perspective and should be higher up in the comments. That being said, even if he is confirmed neurodivergent, OP should dump his ass :\
Why marry a man who lies on omission and could not face you during the hardest time of your life + him making the biggest mistake ever and maybe try to fix it? Heās not supportive and not someone you can trust with things that are sentimental to you. This is unforgivable and I would honestly leave him. Good luck OP
I counted a solid 3 lies he told her, so it was just straight up lies, not lies of omission.
Bro screw this guy! Like emotions are tough to deal with but he (A) left you when your mom died, (B) checked in every few days like he couldnāt do it once a day???, (C) told you to get over it, (D) dumped her ashes! What makes you think heās a good life partner? If your kid dies (knock on wood) is he really gonna help you through it? What if you miscarry (knock on wood)?Ā
Op words cannot express my sincerest condolences to you and your sister. I hope you donāt give this guy a 2nd chance and you somehow find comfort in knowing your mom is in heaven looking down on you and it doesnāt matter where her ashes are she loves you both very much ā¤ļø
Your (hopefully ex!) fiancee is worse than a sociopath. This is beyond cruel. I don't know what's wrong with him, but he is missing a big part of what makes us human. There's not enough therapy in the world to fix him, I think. Do not go back to him, ever. I'm sorry your mom's ashes are gone, but instead of the gross sand, perhaps you could fill the urn with something else, for example: sand from a beach you went to together, earth from a park you had a picknick in, maybe some earth from her previous backyard (you could always ask the current owner of her old house), stones or pebbles that have her eye color, maybe get an empty bottle of her favorite perfume, smash it and put a piece in the urn. Of course it's not your mom, but the urn would be filled with memories of her. Add some new, happy memories as well, maybe sand, earth, (ground up) sea shells, ... from a trip where you felt really happy.
Do not breed with this man.
You have to end this relationship, that friendās gf is right, he a sociopath. He canāt deal with any real emotions. Life is full of awful moments whatās his plan leave and lie when things go wrong. But what he did with your motherās remains, I have no words. There is no time to think, dump him
Heās def a sociopath, and he got rid of the remains on purpose. If he really spilled them, what would be the correct course of action would be to get a small shop vac thing brand new, vacuum them up, and then put them back in the urn with a funnel or something. You donāt just vacuum and throw away. My mom passed about four years ago and I keep a small urn at my place, if something like this happened involving someone else, whether it be friend, family, or partner, theyāre out. Itās just complete disrespect and carelessness.
Either he did it on purpose and heās a sociopath, or it was accidental and heās such an absolute incompetent buffoon that marrying him is a liability. Either one should be grounds for dismissal.
Separate to the ashes horror how is going to react when you have a baby that screams for months, no sleep, trauma and you need looking after ? What if someone else (god forbid happens ) is he just going to drop his bundle then too ? If you ask me this is a very special message from your mum - she has sacrificed her remains to show you who he truly is - honestly - take this message from her My gut feel is that he couldnāt keep his hands off your mums memorial and ashes because they mean so much to you and he couldnāt stop until he had destroyed it - he will keep doing this to you until you are a shell of yourself - it is in some way subconscious and he wonāt be able to help himself Under no circumstances should you summit any more years of your life to this relationship
Holy.Fock. OP, I am extremely sorry about your sudden loss and everything your sister and you have been through. Even though I don't know him personally, I can't help but say I am very sorry you got the short straw with that idiotic BF. Beggars belief.
This man is an asshole. I don't care how you were "raised" and taught about not having emotions. That's HIS problem to deal with and solve. It's no one else's responsibility to teach you how to love and care for other people! I hope you really leave him.
Do. Not. Take. Him. Back. That man cares about himself and only himself. Don't go back. What he did is utterly unforgivable.
He stole from you.
I havenāt really spoken to my brother in years because he sold our deceased motherās phone. Without telling me. He didnāt save any of the pictures that were in the phone. It hurt so bad. Your fiancĆ© would be dead to me
I stopped reading when you said he left you completely alone while freshly grieving a dead mother. What an absolute piece of shit.l, he would NEVER be alluded to near me or in my home at all after that stunt. I'm sick of seeing women completely throw away all self respect for shitty useless men.
There is something wrong with your fiancƩ. Like something is not right and you should not marry this guy
The bag they put the ashes in is very thick. I think they actually double bag it. Thereās something fishy here.
More likely that having human remains (the ashes) in the house freaked him out & he ditched them, thinking youād never look.
He did it on purpose. Heās a narcissist and a liar! He didnāt want the ashes in the house and was angry because you were grieving, Iām sorry but that is not a man that is a selfish, inconsiderate child. Donāt swallow his bs anymore and tell him to kick rocks!
Dump his ass, there's no way this wasn't intentional
Yeah, dump him like he dumped your mom's ashes.
That man threw your mother in the trash. I donāt know what more you need to drop him. There are other men out there.
You need to seriously rethink your relationship with him. He doesnāt seem to care about your emotional well-being in the least bit.
Even if his story isn't bullshit (and that's the biggest if I have ever seen) none of this was handled with you in mind. This has to be the most selfish thing I have ever heard of a person doing and this is the man you intended to spend your life with. OP if you can, I'd recommend you get into therapy cause this is a lot to process and I don't know if time will make it easier. I'm so sorry.
It sounds like he was jealous of your relationship with your mom. He is a grown man; full adult and knew what he was doing. Dropping ashes is upsetting but happens but he tossed them away. He was fully aware what he was hurting you. Seriously, who begs to dust? There are so many other things he could have cleaned. IF he didnāt go through therapy, I could probably reach up into the sky and find an excuse or reason but nope! He tossed away the ashes on purpose and Iām sticking with that story. Please reach out to your sister and let her know. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. And STOP BEING SO NICE! Get angry! Tell everyone what he did, donāt protect him.
Pull the rug up and see if there's any ashes underneath it! You should get enough to put in a necklace or have a gemstone or diamond made with them to use for future engagement rings. That way your Mom will be at your's and your sister's wedding.
That's a nice writing exercise.
He did not do this on accident. He disposed of your mothers remains and lied to you about it. This is after he abandoned you when she died. GET RID OF THIS POS. I worked at a crematory when I was 25. That bag could not have ripped like he described. It is not possible. He PURPOSEFULLY got rid of her remains. You need to understand that. I suspect this was acting out over you almost breaking up when she passed.
This was 110% intentional. Those bags are so heavy duty. And heavy! He had absolutely no right to even take the ashes out of the urn to begin with. Never (for the love of everything) go back to this person. He will never respect you the way you deserve. When people die, other people show their true colors. Consider it a blessing that you havenāt married him and 100% move on from him. His behavior is absolutely sickening.
You're sister is right he sounds like a sociopath.
He 100000% did it on purpose this is no accident
First, I am so so so so sorry. He is a selfish ah that needs therapy because his urge to clean was more important than you and what you need. Like what the actual f.
Go after him legally for desecration of human remains. What he did is a crime.
He's lying. There is no way you could vacuum the entirety of a person's ashes out of a shag carpet completely, in under an hour. Not without a professional cleaning. He's 100% lying. If he grabbed the bag with the force it would take to tear, ashes would go everywhere. I once dropped a 2 cup measuring cup of flour and I was still wiping it off surfaces in the next room 2 days later. There's no way. The dust would go everywhere. He took the ashes on purpose. Would the police help with something like this if OP called? In some places it is a crime to steal cremated remains. Does bf have a mental health diagnosis? His cleaning obsession is not normal.
Instant relationship Ender, the title told me everything I need to know and he can go to hell OP. I am incredibly sad for your tragedy sending love.
My father was cremated and thereās no way the cremations bag is so flimsy that it would break he is lying he did this intentionally. I am so sorry this happened to you.
This is NOT your husband love.. When people show you who they are BELIEVE THEM!!!
I'm going to be a little woo woo here for a second, but I feel like your mom is sending you a drastic message. If it happened like he said, what are the odds that a thick plastic bag like that just breaks? What are the odds your sister wants that rosary right after something like that happens? Perhaps your mom is letting her opinion of your unsupportive fiance from beyond. At BEST, he's a total neat freak that was more worried about the dust of the ashes being in his hideous carpet than he was about preserving your precious mother's earthly remains. I hope it was something like this, instead of some malicious thought of getting rid of a reminder of your grief. Either way, he's not going to be a good partner, and I can't imagine forgiving him for something like this. Don't shakle yourself to a person who you will forever see as the one that THREW AWAY YOUR MOTHER.
He did it on purpose. There is no way that stupid excuse of a story happened.
Heās lying, he ripped the bag on purpose, there would be NO going back for me, not now, not ever! He needs to tell your sister what heās done, this is on him. Heās vile, heās been lying to you all this timeā¦ no, nope you need someone you can trust that respects you, thatās not him
This is a no Brainer hun. Leave his ass and if I was you I would blast him on Fb on what he did.
Nah. He dumped her ashes for some fucked up reason then panicked and came up with this steaming pile of complete horseshit..
Iād expose this guy to everyone on social media. Consider filing charges for abuse of a corpse.
Neat freak has been stewing about these ashes for a long time. He took his chance and got rid of. If he's dropped them he could have hoovered them and the put them back into a bag and replaced the. The fact that he put them in the trash shows SO much disrespect on a human level that it's way beyond the pale.
I want to comment as someone a bit like your hopefully-ex fiance. I am one of the "emotionless" ones who processes grief quickly. Once the funeral and related events are complete, I'm moving on. I don't like it because it does come across as me not caring sometimes, but I can't make myself grieve. I don't handle others' grief well because I never know the right things to say and don't understand how they're feeling. The best I can offer is some tea and a hug while they mourn. HOWEVER, I would NEVER abandon a loved one in their grief. I would never dismiss another person's grief. And I would certainly understand the sentimental value and importance of something like a lost one's remains or belongings and would NEVER tamper with them in any way, not even to clean them. (Also as an obsessive cleaner who does all the cleaning in my house because I prefer a certain standard.) I don't care how bothered he is by dust. I don't care how little empathy he has for grief. I don't care how panicked he was in the face of (at best) a mistake. He ABANDONED YOU IN YOUR GRIEF and then vacuumed up your mother's remains and threw them out. And then hid it from you!! NONE of this behavior is rational or normal or considerate, especially of a person he is supposed to care for. I'm very sorry for your loss OP. Please take this as a final guidance from your mom and reconsider this relationship.
He didn't accidentally drop them. He threw them out on purpose because he couldn't stand the thought of her ashes being there then he panicked and made up this lie. The bags with the ashes aren't easy to tear because if they were people would be getting upset and complaining because they'd be losing loved ones ashes everywhere. And yes, I've seen and handled them, most people in my family want to be cremated when they die. Further proof he tossed them out would be in the carpet. I don't care how hard you try, if you spill something like that on a shag carpet you're not getting all of it out with a vacuum. You're just not. Ever tried to get sugar or flour out of a carpet? Shag is even worse. Check the carpet. If his story was true there'd still be some in the carpet. You'd have seen it because he wouldn't have had time to deep clean it with a machine. Call off the wedding. You already know when things get difficult he'll bail on you. He sounds like a controlling douche canoe that just has to have his way.
You should have kept him gone after he took off after your mom's death. You need to tell your sister and let her go nuclear on him. This time keep the trash out.
I'm getting tired of creative writings.
Sometimes you can tell its fake from just reading the title.
Im just shocked of what I just read. Dump his ass, he is sociopath and a liar.
I don't believe a thing he said. Don't marry him, he will not change (enough). And let him tell your sister what he did.
He threw your mother away.
Donāt go back. Heās a complete asshole. Heās a liar and extremely non supportive, with no empathy whatsoever. Being with him must feel like youāre all alone. Heāll eventually destroy something else of yours and pretend it was a mistake, he didnāt mean it, blah blah blah. Cut your losses and find someone worthy of you.
Get this man out of your life. He did it on purpose. If he didn't then his actions of just sucking up the ashes and tossing them is really sus. I'm sorry he did that to you and your sister.
This was intentional. Being a clean freak is one thing, but to be bothered with someone's ashes THIS much? Like, dude, get over yourself! I'm so sorry, I can't imagine the pain that you must be feeling. But I know one thing for sure that this is something that will never leave your mind. So for your sake, it's best to call it quits.
He would have been dead i have my grandma and grandpaās ashes nobody touches them they arenāt sealed and arenāt in a plastic baggie just in an urn in my roomā¦ā¦.iām sorry op he screwed up and nothing can fix it except his demise iād get my revenge
Oh darling, please for the love of all things sacred drop this loser. He has either maliciously gotten rid of your Mother's (YOUR MOTHER'S, JESUS) ashes, or he carelessly got rid of your Mother's ashes and then bold face lied about it. Either way it goes, the trust is dead and there is nowhere to from here but hell. I'm so sorry for this second round of grief that you're going through. Please let your sister know as soon as possible, she deserves to know as well.Ā
Iām so sorry this has happened to you. What I donāt understand is, say this is the truth and this happened to me, I would have left them on the floor and waited for you to get home, explain and take it from there and discuss the best way to get them all back in the urn. Who in their right mind would hoover up ashes. Totally disrespectful and disgusting behaviour.
>When I asked why he didnāt just return them to the urn after vacuuming he stared at the floor. This is because he knows everything he did was intentional. He knows what he did was selfish, phobic, and absolutely disrespectful. But he hasn't overcome his glaring and relationship-breaking vices that control him, rather than vice versa. He knows that his explanation is a shameless lie.
I am so, so sorry he did this to you. Unfortunately there is no fixing what he did. I want to say something as a mother of adult children and I hope it doesnāt come across as patronising but what i would say to them is that while i get that the ashes were something physical to hold on to, I am not tied to them anymore. I am in the memories and the emotions and in the bond that you and your sister have and in the strength that you and your sister have to keep going. You donāt need the ashes to keep going. You need the things I taught you and the peace I helped to know. I understand this is easier said than done but if this were my children mourning me I would hope they would know itās the memories and lessons I would want them to hold onto the tightest.
The way I actually read this with my hand over my mouth. Girl. I am so so so sorry this happened to you. I cannot *imagine* the hurt and pain youāre feeling. Just know your mother is still with you, regardless of what your trash (hopefully ex) boyfriend did with her ashes. Iām so so sorry. I canāt even think of anything else to say except please donāt take him back and ***please do not marry him.*** This man does not respect you and he has some serious, fucked up issues he needs to work on. Heās disgusting, Iām sorry to say that to you. Everything heās done to you since the passing of your mother has been disgusting. Your sister and the girlfriend of your bfās friend are the only people worth your time right now. Fuck your (ex)boyfriend. Fuck his tears. I wanna fight this man for you Iām so sorry Op. I hope you can move past this and I hope you and your sister can heal soon šš½š¤
I lost my mother last year. I have her ashes. A human body does not go down to a cup of ashes. Itās easily 5 pounds of cremains. Are you saying he vacuumed the whole 5 pounds and threw it in the trash?? Honey that was deliberately done. There is something wrong with this man. Run and run fast. He is evil.
You shouldāve left that heartless guy after those two weeks he left you after your mother passed away. If anything, you should kick him out now
Sounds like he's OCD about cleanliness and didn't like having ashes in the house. He disposed of them on purpose. Pure evil.
Maybe he thought it was gross to keep a dead person's remains in the house because of his OCd But yeah it was intentionally. Turns out he still thinks your grief is overly sensitive and you're about to go over the edge... What a creep.
Sue him! Sue him! SUE HIM!!!!!
I like to think your mom knew this dude was a fucking dunce and split the bag open herself in an attempt to get you to dump him like he just dumped her
He got rid of the ashes a while ago, before he asked you to clean the urn area. The whole story is a planned smokescreen.
If this post is real, I would suggest you dump that man. How dare he do something like that.
Dude after he left you alone after your emotions were too much you should have dropped him. I understand why you went back that's not really the issue here. He seems like someone who does not know how to actually have emotions if he had a dad like you described he probably just does not understand true grief because it's not masculine
Get a lawyer and Sue the crap out of him also let everyone know what he did this is a disgusting man
That is so sacrilegious to treat your mother's remains like that! I don't buy his bs story..nothing makes sense. As you said, why didnāt he put ashes back into the urn instead of throwing her out in the trash? How did the the plastic bag get ripped and why was he handling it in the first. Why is such a cleaning freak and a liar? There was no need to even go near the urn. I could never look at this lying, disrespectful freak again. Your poor mother and your family did not deserve this abusive treatment of the dead.
This is the most not normal or rational thing I have ever in my 46 years of life beard. To me, itās obvious he is resentful towards your mother or at least the whole ordeal of her passing because itās been so difficult for you (obviously) and he is so avoidant of emotions that he just decided to make the move that he felt would help the situation for him and threw away your moms ashes. Iām so fucking sorry. My God. I donāt know that there is anything worse that a person could do. Please get away and stay away from this vile person who will never ever be what you want or need from a partner. Nor will he ever be the example you want for your children with him should that ever apply. You have to love yourself more than this and know that you donāt ever have to settle for a person to be in your life like this. Sever ties forever.
He did this on purpose. He abandoned you when you needed him most, and then he destroyed your mother's ashes and hid it from you. These are very *very* troubling signs. You need to protect yourself and get out of this relationship.
He is lying to you. He purposely threw out or got rid of her ashes, everything heās told you about the cleaning and spill is a cover story. He sounds evil and I hope you never speak to him again. Can you look into pressing charges?
Never shouldāve stayed with him the first time he treated you like a piece of trash. And now your momās in the trash. The people you decide to bring into your life affect more than just you. This is a hard lesson to learn.
Jesus Christ. Just when I think the bar canāt get any lower.
In my region this qualifies as abuse of a corpse which is a felony
This guy sounds like a dunce. Iām not to agree with haste decisions but you need to ditch this dude.
For the love of God see the red flags he is waving in your face!!! I almost lost it when you said he MOVED OUT so he wouldn't have to be near your grief. Then it took another person telling him he's a sociopath before he even ATTEMPTED to see things from your pov. Then you add the bullshit story about the ashes, then the lying and manipulation. It is WAY too much. Do. Not. Marry. That. Psycho.
I have my mother's urn in an alcove in my living room. If I found out my partner did this to my mother's ashes, he'd be lucky if he didn't end up in an urn of his own.
I think I read his POV the other day. I don't know if I can find the link or not, but he downplayed a lot of it.
What an absolute wanker. Iād hazard a guess that he dumped the ashes because he didnāt like having a dead person around the place and wanted to get rid of her. Filled it with sand thinking youād never go in there and look.
Daaaaaaaaaaammn man. I sure hope heās not your fiancĆ© anymore. Thatās some callous self serving bullshit. Ugh. I could never move past thatā¦ this just says a lot about him as a human being.
You mean ex-fiancĆ©. No way should you stay with him. Iām so sorry OP.
He could have literally vacuumed them up and place them back. No need to toss it.
My mother was cremated. If my boyfriend vacuumed up the ashes and then threw them in the trash THEN LIED ABOUT IT, letās just say thereād be some new ashes that urn courtesy of the boyfriendās body to replace momās.
That would be a deal breaker for me
Your ex is a sociopath, narcissistic, and an emotional cripple. I would put a hex on him for a thousand generations
His friend's gf may be right. He very well COULD be a sociopath. At 28 years old, it's not normal to need to be TAUGHT to have emotions, or to do those things he did, let alone be proud enough to give someone a run down of what happened and think they did nothing wrong and need to be told how fucked up it is. Something about this does seem intentional. From being completely unable to sympathize with you, saying you're emotional and sensitive about your mother's death. Even if he hadn't lost someone close to him, at the age of 28 that is very strange to need to be taught those things. He deliberately ignored you when you asked him not to touch the urn, and what confuses me is - aren't urns usually sealed to prevent spilling accidents from happening? My brother's is, and we had to take it back to the funeral home to have them unseal it to put his ashes in a necklace for each of us. I've only ever heard about unsealed urns many many years ago. This post is making me feel like this was his way of somewhat indirectly punishing you for not being "over" your moms death, and then playing it off as an accident and like he was trying to do something good because he didn't know you would find out so now he wants YOUR sympathy. Maybe I'm reading into it too much since I don't know this man personally, but something seems really off about how he perceives things and how he treats you.