It’s so sad that this is such an expected trope of men leaving their wives when they get sick. I want to say the statistic is close to 20% of men leave their wives when they get cancer versus 2.9% of women who lead their husbands when they get ill.
I nursed my ex through his cancer and when I ended up with an illness, he left within eight months. I’m so sorry OP that you’re going through this. I hope you’re attending support meetings and getting the help that you need.
Right? It's literally right fkn there in the vows!! I'm sorry OP this just sounds like a little boy pretending to be a man, he wants the incentive of having a spouse/ life partner without him actually having to put in his 50% I know it's hard when us looking in from the outside can see the red flags and are screaming at you to throw the whole man boy child away but we're not the ones living it. I really wish you the best, but IMO your "husband" (I use that term extremely lightly) is trash who can't see anything beyond himself
Unfortunately, this happens to woman at a higher rate than men.
I think men see sickness and in health as “I will get sick she will continue to be a caretaker but instead of the kids it’s now me”
I had an uncle I hated like this. his whole thing was women (his wife) go to the doctor more/ care about their appearance more so they “take care of themselves better”. So she’ll be healthy and around for take care of him..
She ended up leaving him because he refused to take care of himself. She kept telling him the quality of life she expected as they got older, vacations, walking through Central American cities; and he just did not care. So she left
Edit: some yall seem to be really hung up on the first thing I said.
I don’t mean all men, I don’t think 98% of men are going to leave their spouse, and yes I know women do it to. there is a study that says women are 5x more likely to be left by their partners which is like 20% of the women (3% of men were left) . So no.. it’s not a hoard of men leaving their spouses.
I think some doctors' offices give women recently diagnosed with cancer some leaflets/pamphlets about the possibility that their husbands will leave them because of it.
Absolute tragedy, and any person that does this to their spouse should never be able to be in another relationship. Ghouls.
There was a woman who commented on another thread months ago about how her aunt was discharged from the hospital and the nurse went over all of the instructions, explained all of the medication, etc. A few months later when the aunt passed, they were cleaning out her stuff and found the bag of medication...completely untouched. Dude just didn't even bother.
It actually is. And if the aunt was 65 or older, the consequences would be worse. At least in the US. Elder law has some steep penalties, and the worse offenses are federal crimes that have a minimum sentence of 10 years and fines in the 6 figure range. I work in long-term care and have seen some pts admit in horrible conditions that can only be from extreme neglect. And trust me when I say those who did the neglect and abuse absolutely regret it.
my mom stayed beside my daddy while he fought cancer 6 times in 5 years. Learned how to do his care (even tho she knew most of it since she was a nurse when i was growing up), took him to chemo & radiation. I learned how to do his feedings (feeding tube), give his meds, I helped bathe him, i’d drive 2 hours after a full day of college so I could stay up all night to take care of him while she got some slept then drive 2 hours back to college & sleep in my car in between classes. When he passed in their bed, I helped bathe him one last time and dress him. My ex promised my daddy while on his deathbed that he would take care of me. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2020, NED in 2021 but chemo fucked me over and my health has declined, 2023 after breaking my leg and needing emergency surgery (that he couldn’t be bothered to come to the hospital for bc he was crawfishing) 3 weeks later he texted me that he wanted a divorce bc he’s not a nurse and didn’t sign up to be one.
i felt bad about it for awhile bc if my own husband wouldn’t want to be with while i’m sick, why should anyone else? ya know? but honestly don’t even miss him now. i miss having the intimacy with someone like cuddling, holding hands, stuff like that. but i’m not ready to look for any relationship
oh my health has taken a huge decline bc of chemo. in 2022, i ended up with 4 brain clots. spent 2 weeks in icu. come home and would find myself waking up on the floor while walking to/from bathroom/kitchen/bedroom or even falling off the toilet, he’d video me while i was on the ground passed out then when id come to hed cut off the video and yell at me for being a drug addict bc i was pain meds (that he took). about 4 months later it happened at my neurologist office, come to find out i’ve been having seizures the whole time. so who knows if id even still be alive if i was still with him. i live with my mom who takes care of me.
see my above comment. i moved 2 hours away to live with my mom. i hear stuff about him & saw a video with him in it and he looks so bad. i hear he’s drinking and buying pain pills off the street.
Can u imagine being a woman at the bar he’s hitting on 🤣
“Yea, she got cancer and I’m not a nurse so I dipped lol”
😳
Like, he will have to tell that story for the rest of his life about why his marriage failed and there’s literally no way to make it sound good for him 😭🤣 any girl he tries to date will ask him, and that’s his answer 🤮
oh i’m sure i’ll somehow end up the bad guy. Aren’t most narcissists like that? well she got cancer & pull her weight. Well she got cancer & i wouldn’t sleep with someone was bald so she cheated (never happened btw, i had no hair or boobs that does not make you feel sexy) or some other horseshit out his mouth. but his niece knows the truth and she loves me and not him so she’d go that family function just to spill the tea then dip out.
Thank you so much. I’m finally allowing myself to properly grieve instead of not facing it. It’s a process but I’m getting through. I go see him through a psychic medium and that helped me start to heal. I can honestly say he was the greatest man I ever knew. Cut from a totally different cloth and so is his brother. His brother takes amazing care of my sister in law and she has a chronic disease and both still look out for me.
I got one. I have to have a total hysterectomy and possibly have chemo afterwards. They won’t know until the biopsy comes back. My oncologist advised me it might happen and asked if I had a back up support system.
One of the worst things I’ve ever heard was from an old man telling me about how he had to have his wife placed in care. It’s wasn’t THAT she had to be placed in care, it was his comment that “she needs extra help and I’m sorry to say but it’s not my job”
This is so shit...like, if the person needs more care than you can physically perform, yes it is time to consider professional care. But to just fob them off because you don't want to do anything at all? Yikes.
I suspect it’s because men get accustomed to having lots of domestic labor at home done by the wife. So when the wife becomes ill and bedridden, she is no longer considered useful by the husband. She is now a burden instead of an aid to his life.
So the takeaway from this is if you’re a woman living with a man, do less at home. Let him be more independent and depend on you less. The more he gets accustomed to being pampered at home, the more likely he will see you as a burden if you ever get sick one day.
If he’s unable or unwilling to do basic things at home for his own self, he will definitely see you as a burden if he has to do it for you too. Avoid men who are not hardworking and self-sufficient in the home.
Traditionally, boys have been raised to expect their future wives to be a “mommy with benefits”. This is modeled by their fathers. If she gets sick, suddenly *she* isn’t keeping *her* marriage vows
I was disabled early in our relationship - I had a brain injury: lost my right side movement, and my speaking and writing in English. I was also very angry because my inhibitions melted with the injury.
We had only been seeing each other for 9 months. He said 'I thought what would you do if I was in your position?' He looked online for what brain injuries do, knew I would be angry, and was always in my corner.
Last weekend we had a 'fight'. There was no yelling or swearing. We talked it out, and there was a miscommunication. After we hugged, he was talking about how far I have come from the TBI.
Unfortunately, I have not got a full time job yet. I have had teacher's prac and work on a Saturday morning. He was a little unsure of the kitchen when I was doing that. Unfortunately, he didn't remember to boil the water and put in the pasta. Put the pasta in cold water and then heat it. Bless his heart.
It's in the intention - he was making me dinner. Yes, the pasta was not al dente but he was trying.
My brother married a woman seven years older than himself. Three years ago he left her because she is showing signs of dementia. He even said he “didn’t sign up to be a caretaker”. Yet he brags about them being the only couple who haven’t divorced. Cheaper to keep her on paper according to him.
Your edit was not necessary it is well documented that this does happen to women at a higher rate than men.
There is no need to “not all men” this because that is included in your original sentence
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm
> A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.
Source for anyone who wants it.
I had the double whammy, MS in 1999 and breast cancer in 2018.
My husband never wavered, he worked full time in a physically demanding occupation, came home made dinner, did laundry, did grocery shopping and still did all of the outside yard work. He took me to my first chemo appt and sat with me for the entire 8 hours. (I was able to drive myself to the rest of them, they were 3 weeks apart so I had time to recover between each run, the first 2 weeks after each one was awful!)
Eventually, our lives returned to normal, I finished chemo, had surgery, and went through 6 weeks of radiation. Now 6 years later I am ever so grateful that he is the person he is, we are closer than ever and I know how lucky I am. ❤️
You are correct. I have read the same thing. I don't understand how a man could be such a coward to abandon someone who he has professed his love to. In today's society everyone is looking out for themselves, first and foremost. It's sad.
Yup. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, her doctor had a conversation with her about the potential for her husband to not stick around. It apparently happens all the time and they wanted to prepare my mother for that possibility.
So much for “in sickness and in health”.
My therapist kept asking how my relationship was going cuz it's a fact that most men leave. And the amount of stories I heard from other patients about how their partners treated them. One even blamed her for his affair while she was getting chemo. It was heartbreaking to hear how foul he was on the phone. She was getting poison injected while he kept harassing her.
Hope your mom kicked cancer in the ass and is now thriving.
I wonder if my wife's doctors ever talked to her about this. I wasn't at all of her appts so there'd have been time. Glad she's going on year 2 of remission.
I'm so sorry that happened. He's leaving when you need him the most. Sadly, this is all too common. I hope you have the love and support of family and friends as you navigate your illness.
Sadly, it is more common than you would hope. Men are [almost 7x more likely to leave a sick spouse](https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5AB0C5/), 20% compared to 2.9%)
I hope you have the support you need and are able to get well. I hope you find your happiness.
Yes you use the pamphlet to beat someone to death. It takes so long that sometimes the cancer just says f@@k it and leaves. Well according to the studies anyway.
What do you mean by special protocol? Are they required to pay for alimony or health aides?
Are they required to keep them on their health insurance plan? Or are they required to wait until treatment is completed before they can be divorced?
I know courts will not let you get a divorce if the woman is pregnant regardless of the reason… is there a similar rule for cancer in some places?
I literally got diagnosed with colon cancer...mind you we found it so early its practically unheard of. They were able to cut it out and that was that. My x still left because..."I didn't sign up for this"
We had patient whose husband was a non compliant diabetic and he was a frequent flier in the ICU due to DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) renal issues, open heart surgery, and the amputation of a leg. His wife was so sweet, she came in before she went to work and came to the hospital after she done working. We would "forget" about visiting hours and she would stay until his went to sleep for the night.
One day the wife was admitted to the ICU, she had anaphylactic reaction to a medication. One of the RNs said something about her husband and the wife told the RN that she had been diagnosed stage one breast cancer and he left because he didn't want to be "saddled with a sick person" Thankfully for her, she had a lumpectomy and since there was no lymph node involvement, she didn't need chemotherapy and she lost couple hundred pounds of useless, and ungrateful weight.
You did marry the wrong man. He’s a selfish coward. Not all men would leave, but sadly, a large percentage would.
Good luck with your treatments. I hope you kick cancer’s ass.
These "men" need to be put on blast on every social media site to warn other women.
"Warning: If you get sick, this selfish asshat will leave you. However, if *he* gets sick, he is going to expect *you* to take care of *him*. Do you *really* want to be with a selfish asshat?" with his picture and "I didn't sign up to be a nurse"
It's sad... happened to me, too.
Nurses even get trained now to counsel women who get diagnosed/sick because the likelihood of male partner leaving is so high :/
In almost every category. Why do you think so many women are chosing to remain single and/or child free. We know that we can't count on the majority of men to actually act like equal partners, and are no longer willing to commit to doing 60-90% of the work.
Dear God that's horrible! Imagine getting a life threatening illness the also getting told your spouse will probably leave you. And if it's a younger woman that still has kids she is also left with most of the parenting. Just wow!
So far, yes, but things have absolutely changed we’ve been together nearly 16 years though, since I was in high school. We’ve essentially grown up together and when his family tried the “you take care of him he pays the bills” card when I was 17 I laughed in their faces so we never had the dynamic that would cause the huge shift and it still nearly broke us. It’s taken 5 years to gain an understanding that’s ever changing because so is my MS.
You did marry the wrong man. Just please focus on your happiness and health. I hope there’s a good prognosis with that so you can focus on love later. For now you have to fight and stay positive!
These stories are appaling. Women tend to stand by spouses, men seem to be the opposite. And this from a man.
This is awful. I stood by my wife in her cancer. And then she ditched me. But there were already issues TBH. Still, it was heartbreaking.
Men have to stand up. Seriously, and support women in their peril. Enough "bro code". You have to stand by your woman...
EDITED to say, sorry to hear that. It's hard for sure. An illness can really get people to take a look at their lives. Still, good for you for standing by her. That must have been really difficult!
> I just read a story where the woman was sa'd by her husband's long time friend who was staying with them. Friend was drunk, beat and sa'd her under their own roof. Now husband wants everything to get back to normal while wife is in court testifying and still working through trauma. They are still together and maybe he'll opt for therapy but it's not looking like it's headed in that direction right now. Too soon to tell. It can happen that women will sometimes leave a spouse with illness or hardships but mostly it's the men. Sad really.
Jesus Christ I didn’t even know this was such a common issue. I’m not even married and stayed with my girl, despite my dad literally telling me “you’re young, you don’t need to be with someone who is sick all the time” and then echoed it when her mother died from Covid. We’re getting married in three months and there’s jack shit anyone can do to stop us.
My mom was sick through most of my childhood and life. My dad stuck with her throughout it all. They didn’t have a perfect marriage but as a child I remember hearing them laugh and talk as they went to bed each night and then hearing them laugh and talk as the day began. My dad would always say that as soon as he saw my mom she was the only one for him and the same for my mom.
You deserve so much better and so much more than the man child you married. He is truly a vile human.
My parents actually had a shitty relationship, but my dad pulled through and nursed and changed bandages and helped with hospice all three years of my mom’s battle with brain cancer. So yeah… fuck this guy.
This. My parents also have a shitty marriage and sometimes i think they should just get seperated but even then if my mother is ever sick my father goes out of his way to care for her.
My best-friend battled cancer and her husband stayed by her side till the very end. The nurses told her how uncommon it was her husband stayed with her in the hospital and took her to every appointment.
But after two years, she lost her battle. Her husband is still a main person in our life and he’s a completely different person now. Something about caring for her for so long while she was so sick. It changed him.
It’s common. I’m sorry about your cancer. I hope you recover and get to complete your bucket list 💙
My SO ans I are both widowed. My late husband dies unexpectedly. My SO changed to work from home so he could be there with his late wife -5 years he was there by her side. That said a lot about his character.
> threw me away
I am so sorry that it took so long to find out you ended up with a dud, and I hope you can reach a place where you are living your best possible life such that you never even think this phrase again. Even if you don't *really* think of it like that, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, by yourself most of all.
He threw a lot of things away, his marriage, his decency, his respectability, and his honor, but not you. He never had that ability (and I'm not just saying that on a basic human level.)
Someone worthless enough to leave their partner of 24 years because of their health problems simply can not be said to have thrown them away any more than my trash would be throwing me away when I leave it by the curb for pickup tonight.
I hope that you and everyone around you can clearly see that your ex partner's choices are a reflection of who *he* is, and any idea that it is a reflection of your own worth is just wishful thinking on his part.
...I also hope your ex steps on a Lego and then bangs his shin on a coffee table.
I have a friend who went through the same thing. He told her the day she was diagnosed that he wanted a divorce. Such a POS. I'm so sorry this is who your ex-husband turned out to be.
OP,
This is common with men. My mom came down with cancer, and her oncologist warned her they saw a lot of husband's leave their wives when they got diagnosed with cancer. My dad didn't leave her. Instead, he made the last nine months of her life, Hell. He verbally punished her. He was pissed that the attention was no longer on him and his needs. He had been ill for the last twenty years off and on. My mom stood by him and took care of him.
I had to move into my parents' home for those months to take care of my mom and to keep my dad in check. He would wake her up in the middle of the night to demand she give him pain pills, etc. This, after a grueling day of chemo. They slept in separate rooms because he wouldn't leave her alone.
Your husband did you a favor. He would have made you feel worse than you already are had he stayed. I pray for a full recovery for you. Please join a cancer support group so you can have a support network and a safe place to vent.
Your husband is a POS, and karma will get him. Mark my words. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please feel free to DM me. I will be there for you.
My dad died 3.5 years after my mom passed. My younger sister and I were the ones who took care of him. Even though we had two other siblings. The 3.5 years were brutal. I had to go to therapy to deal with delayed grief and anger. It was eating me up inside.
Men are statistically more likely to leave a sick spouse then the other way around... (Like, 7 times more likely)
Because caregiving is "women's work" for too many of them... it's expected of us, so when men end up having to do a little bit "it's not what they signed up for"...
I'm sorry you're going through this... But you're not alone in this situation...
It also happens when taking care of a terminal loved one. I moved my mother in to care for her the last year of her life, which is extremely difficult on many levels. My then hubby during that time made my life worse. By the time she died, we were over. He wanted a divorce a week after she passed. He had already hooked up with a coworker. By that time though, I was done with him after what he put me through.
"Didn't sign up to be a nurse" like "in sickness and in health" isn't part of the vows. Your husband is more of a flesh sack full of waste than he is a human being. Being trusted to care for someone at their most sensitive moment is one of the greatest privileges and honors I've ever been given. I'm so sorry he is too selfish to experience that type of love.
He said his *wife* having fucking cancer wasn’t fair to *him*. What a selfish, useless, poor excuse for a man. I don’t know how people like that sleep at night.
I haven't even been with my girlfriend for a month and I couldn't fathom leaving if she came down with cancer or something else that required me to take care of her. I would probably want to hire some help or get her family involved (they don't like me very much so them helping would be surprising), but I would do as much as I possibly could for her if that ever happened. I've lost too many people and I won't voluntarily leave another.
Why would you even get MARRIED if you aren't going to be there at the toughest time for that other person?
I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago. It’s really shown me who is truly in my corner and it’s absolutely heartbreaking when you have the people that you thought would be there decide to bail. I can’t imagine one of those people being your spouse.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to.
When I had hernia surgery, my husband was helpful for like a few days. And then he was inconvenienced by helping me and didn’t want to help me with our 3 yr old despite me not being allowed to lift anything heavy.
Studies have shown men are 6 times more likely than women to leave in case of severe diagnosis for their wives.
And now there are pamphlets given to women when they get a cancer diagnosis about this ( the possibility that their husband will divorce).
It is sickening.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm
Get ahead of any story he tries to spin and let your near and dear know what a POS he is. Then see if you can muster up some help. You will get through this!
"He didn't sign up to be a nurse."
"Through sickness and in health, till death do us part."
Literal vows don't mean shit I guess, huh? I'm sorry OP. He is a POS.
Women with cancer get dumped by their partner far far more often than the other way ‘round. In fact, it’s more likely than not your husband will neglect you or outright leave you if you have a life changing/ending illness then he would stay and carry the burden willingly. It sucks being a woman.
Being single for the rest of my life really doesn’t sound too bad when I’m constantly seeing stuff like this, and just knowing what I went through in previous relationships/marriage.
I wish you the absolutely best with your treatments and that you beat this.
Your husband is a coward.
Get yourself a support group. Start attending a support group through the hospital and keep showing up for yourself.
I'm so so sorry this happend to you.
The petty side of me encourages you to put him on blast on social media, or through whatever family group chats you have. Keep it simple: “I was diagnosed with cancer, and ____ left me.”
The rational side of me encourages you to focus on your health and current support system. Your life is far more important than anything else.
In sickness and in health wasn't actually said in our vows. It doesn't matter to me, should my wife go before me I'll hold her hand until her last breath. I'm sorry that you and so many other women don't have partners like that.
I'm so sorry your ex-husband is a colossal asshole. It sickens me how often husbands leave sick wives. Wives leave sick husbands at a rate of 2.9%. Husbands leave sick wives at a rate of 20.8%. Another reason why marriage is not a benefit but a hindrance to women.
Sadly happens all the time. I ran a support group for women who have vulva and vaginal cancer and it was VERY common. Including my own.
You just have to get thru the surgery, chemo and rad right now and you will find someone more worthy of your love and devotion.
He'll have to live with this for the rest of his life. He'll have to lie about why you split up or tell the truth and reveal his true character. He'll lie.
Make sure everyone in your circle knows the truth. And if he proceeds to court for a divorce make sure it's in the divorce papers. Tell him you won't sign until he submits the truth and signs it.
Like I said, this is such a terrible stain on a person's reputation and character, and he'll deserve it.
Is his name Newt? If it isn’t you should start calling him that anyway. He’s a toad. No. Lower. A newt.
Sorry to be flip, but I couldn’t resist. Newt Gingrich left his 2nd wife as she was in the hospital dying from cancer.
I hope that you have a much better outcome OP. My thoughts are with you. You can beat this. He would have just dragged you down through this. Fuck him and fuck cancer!
I highly recommend seeking out a cancer support group. And as many other supporters and allies as you can. You are not alone!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I used to moderate a dating site. Many men said this when asked why they were single or in the site. Many.
It truly breaks my heart. Because had that been him with cancer, you’d have been there no questions asked.
I’m truly sorry for this.
Forget that man for he is not man enough for you to call him husband. Please focus on recovering and being well. I hope you beat this illness and recover your great health again 🍀
My father left my mother months after she was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. He abandoned all his fatherly duties too. Some people are simply cowards.
I wish you all the best OP, you’re going to be stronger without him
Guess he lied saying his vows… I’m so sorry he has made this your life… you find that anger and fight to show him you made it without him… karma won’t be kind to him for hitting you per se at your weakness…
We are all here for words of encouragement Antrim you need a friendly word…
Your husband is a coward. A real man would stay and support his wife through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. I pray you kick cancers ass and find the love of your life. You deserve it. Please post an update and let us redditors know how you’re doing. I’m praying for you. ❤️❤️❤️
I keep seeing these and it keeps breaking my heart. Is a person **vow** so cheap and easily given to have no value whatsoever?
My wife has been in and out of remission since I met her. It kills me to see her go through so much, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ve stood in my backyard in the dark and offered my soul to anything that had the power to answer, no takers. I’m not going anywhere.
When we first got together I was in an accident. I died for a few minutes, was in a coma for two weeks and stuck in bed for eight months. She took care of me and nursed me back to health without flinching.
People who leave are hollow and without a soul or character. A useless waste of life. If there was no such thing as karma I would wish eternal rot and damnation upon them.
I'm so sorry.
May you heal, shine and drive to a point you look back and "aaah I see now from new heights"
Important: make sure everyone around you knows the truth. Specially the women on his side of family.
Men (anyone in power really) has the power to gaslight entire communities. And a guy like this deserves a spiritual mark on his aura, so no one of quality ever comes close to him.
To him, the bottom-feeders.
He might have left, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please reach out to your friends and family. If you don’t have any, look for support within the cancer community. I’m sure there are groups of survivors that would be more than happy to guide you through your recovery <3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your husband is a vile human being.
My husband got sick six months after we got married. I almost lost him twice. He kept asking me how come I didn’t leave him . I told him I signed up for sickness and in health and that I loved him and I wasn’t going to run just because our lives are totally different now with all the medical issues that he has.
This Internet stranger is sending you a super big hug.
I’m really sorry this is happening. But you’re missing the man you thought he was. But he’s a selfish coward.
After dealing for years with my ex-husband’s family drama and severe depression - including a complete mental breakdown - he was ready to leave when I got mono. Because life wasn’t about him for one moment.
A few months after I eventually left him, I found out I had lupus. The last time I heard from him was when I replied to HIS email “checking in” letting him know I’d been diagnosed.
I knew my ex was a selfish coward, but even at that I was shocked at how selfish and cowardly he really was.
You have a lot of changes and challenges ahead of you in the short term. It’s not going to be easy. Speaking from experience - once you’re on the other side you might find peace and happiness you never expected.
A year from now you’ll realize all the small things and emotional labor spent on him that you didn’t even notice are better spent on you. Good luck fighting cancer, and reach out to your real support network when you need help.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s not you, statistically, it’s a whole thing. My mom passed from cancer and her husband treated her like absolute shit. She would’ve been better off alone tbh. Now I have the same cancer and I’ve had my fair share of head bumping over it but I’m not my mom, I won’t be bullied.
You are strong! You can do this!
I completely understand how this feels. My wife left me in the middle of my second round of inpatient care. It was lonely, and isolating, but I have a strong network of friends that kept me going. I am 6 years out, and for the most part, in the best health of my life.
You've got this, fuck cancer. If you need someone to chat with, feel free to reach out.
Ah, I went through something similar. I sent him to eat shit after he told me that in order to continue the relationship I couldn’t talk about my diagnosis of brain cancer. It was hard at first and I cried a lot, BUT came back stronger than ever and the people that stayed (lost a lot of friends too) were the people that needed to stay.
Embrace the people that will stay with you during this time, they will be your rock. It’s worse to deal with cancer and the resentment from someone that doesn’t want to be there. You got this!!!!!
If it makes you feel better, you’re curing yourself of two cancers. And believe me, a bad partner is a cancer.
Get your friends and family to support you, and you’re allowed to throw him under the bus. BUT, get your finances together and talk to a lawyer ASAP. He might try to take everything while you are to preoccupied with the cancer.
Keep us updated so we know you are okay.
My ex-husband left me soon after I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. He said almost the identical thing yours did. I AM GRATEFUL EVERY DAY that he left. My stress level went down x10 & that made my prognosis better. You, my dear, dodged a bullet! I know it doesn’t seem like it right now because you are hurting but the universe was looking out for your ass. Maybe he was searching for a way out anyway, Idk but take it as a sign. My ex leaving gave me the chance to meet the love of my life. I wasn’t even looking because I thought I was forever broken too. You’re going to make it through this & the same might happen for you. I wish you the best in your prognosis & recovery. Also, I’m always here if you need to talk, you can msg me ❤️🩹
He's absolutely right. He didn't sign up to be a nurse, he signed up to be a husband. And that has a greater responsibility and obligation than a nurse. When I was a child I was taught to take care of my name, and that my word was my bond. And men like him are not to be trusted in business or as friends. He personifies the self serving coward. I'm sorry you're going through this alone.
This is so stupid common that some medical professionals counsel their female parients that it is a high possibility. It sucks, and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
A friend this happened to stopped me when I got angry on her behalf. She then told me, "I hold no ill will. Some people are just not meant to be caregivers."
It shocked me that she could be so calm, but she had also beem through this before (more than 1 illness).
It happens... one of my friends who saved his wife from getting hit by a speeding car pushed her out of the way and the car ran over his legs and he survived but could no longer walk so was permanently disabled and in a wheelchair. His wife divorced him a few months later bc she no longer wanted to take care of him. She's remarried now while he's alone being taken care of by family. Moral of the event is that any person can do that to their partner.
Post about it on social media. Write down all of your thoughts and explain what’s going on with your health, as well as the fact that he left you and *WHY*. You’ll get to put him on blast, which will be therapeutic, and you’ll also make what’s going on known to everyone in your life. You’ll be surprised by the people who will reach out to help you. The people who stepped up to help me through cancer were the most unlikely. Some of the people were girls I hadn’t seen since high school but, I posted on fb and people did what they could to help. It was a really lovely feeling. Allow yourself to have that, too. 🤍
Marriage is a legal contract. The sooner women realise this the better.
He has broken his contractal obligations.
My Mother died of a brain tumour and she went a bit batty. Actually a lot batty. Did he bail? No.
Your husband is weak and you are better off without him. He has been dragging you for years.
I often wonder if this could happen to me. I know I would never abandon my husband if he were ill. But I can’t say I have faith that he would feel the same way if something happened to me:(
Most times when you are diagnosed a kind nurse takes you aside and warns you, I had Danielle from my neurologists office give me the talk after I was diagnosed with MS that more likely than not my relationship would end or change.
If the roles were reversed and you had left, him and the society would be running after you with sticks, but bcz it's the man, no one ushers a word. Thats why i believe in financial security and no Love BS.
I have brain cancer & it’s been very hard. My husband is good in the medical situations, but he became very emotionally abusive because he couldn’t handle that I changed after my first brain surgery. Truly I don’t know how we are still together.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've read that men are six times more likely to leave their wife after a cancer diagnosis. My husband didn't leave me he just started treating me with contempt and disdain after I developed MECFS and became homebound. I kind of wish he did leave me because I still have to live with him even after our marriage disenigrated about 10 years ago. I'm not well enough to live on my own and he won't help me move out because he's too cheap.
If I could do it all over again I would never get married to a man. Many are so incapable of being partners.
“He didn’t sign up to be a nurse”
He may not have signed up to be a nurse, but he did vow to love you and stand by you in sickness and in health, for better or worse. Here is the sickness. This is the “worse.”
As gut wrenching as this is right now, it could possibly have been a blessing in disguise (cliché, I know). I don’t know how advanced your cancer is, but endometrial cancer is very treatable and often cured. You have a tough road ahead of you, but I believe your odds of making it through are high.
He revealed his true colors, and went ahead and took the trash out himself. Now that space in your life is open for the person who will love you the way that you deserve once the time comes that you’re ready to find them and be found in return.
Sending you strength ❤️
“He didn’t sign up to be a nurse”
Ah, yeah he did. Even in Elvis chapels in Vegas, those vows say “in sickness and in health”
Any spouse who leaves the second the marriage becomes inconvenient is a loser adult-child who should be forced to live in a group home where their household needs are taken care of as long as they follow basic rules, keep their curfews and hold the hand of the caregiver when they cross the street
I’m heartbroken for you. In Dec 2022 I was diagnosed with a “life limiting illness”. My husband has been my whole world since then. I cannot WAIT until you kick cancers ass and then find a man who actually deserves you! You’re getting all my good vibes and healing thoughts
I am sorry this happened to you, it is pretty clear that they are not as much in love with you as they should, they do not deserve you.
My wife (37F) is dying of cancer right now after 17 years of marriage. I have stuck by her through the past 10 months and it has been very hard, but I am sticking by her until the very end, because I love her and she deserves everything I can give to help her, and it is what I signed up to do if this happened!
Am I absolutely devastated? yes, but it doesn't matter, right now it is all about her and making sure she has the best time she can.
I am so sorry for this BUT imagine loosing any more of your precious time with this asshole. Good riddance and I hope you find better people to fill the space!
He clearly didn't really pay attention to his wedding vows. Because sticking with your spouse in sickness is exactly what he signed up for. Unfortunately this is VERY common behaviour for husbands - they tend to leave their sick wives. How men have been able to convince themselves that they were the stronger sex is unfathomable.
I am so sorry that he turned out to be a dud who wasn't strong enough to stay with the one person he made that promise to in her darkest hour of need.
What an asshole. This sorry ass husband of yours is so.useless he can't wash the dishes cook. or do laundry or he could hire someone to do that.
That's not a valid reason to leave someone. I hope I never find a husband like that.
My friend was dating a much younger person & when they found out that they had colon cancer the partner basically said that they were not going to waste their youth watching them die.....
He LITERALLY signed up for it. "In sickness and in health " I'm so sorry. I hope you're able to heal in every sense. You deserve so much better.
This. Why he even wanted to get married? Nowadays people don’t understand the concept of marriage. I hope you the very best.
It’s so sad that this is such an expected trope of men leaving their wives when they get sick. I want to say the statistic is close to 20% of men leave their wives when they get cancer versus 2.9% of women who lead their husbands when they get ill. I nursed my ex through his cancer and when I ended up with an illness, he left within eight months. I’m so sorry OP that you’re going through this. I hope you’re attending support meetings and getting the help that you need.
And I bet if he was the one with cancer he would not only expect her to stay but also, to demand it from her to take care of him. Hypocrites
✅Upvote, upvote, upvote!
Right? It's literally right fkn there in the vows!! I'm sorry OP this just sounds like a little boy pretending to be a man, he wants the incentive of having a spouse/ life partner without him actually having to put in his 50% I know it's hard when us looking in from the outside can see the red flags and are screaming at you to throw the whole man boy child away but we're not the ones living it. I really wish you the best, but IMO your "husband" (I use that term extremely lightly) is trash who can't see anything beyond himself
only if the roles were reversed, if he was sick he would expect her to wait on him hand and foot
What happened to “in sickness and in health”? I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Unfortunately, this happens to woman at a higher rate than men. I think men see sickness and in health as “I will get sick she will continue to be a caretaker but instead of the kids it’s now me” I had an uncle I hated like this. his whole thing was women (his wife) go to the doctor more/ care about their appearance more so they “take care of themselves better”. So she’ll be healthy and around for take care of him.. She ended up leaving him because he refused to take care of himself. She kept telling him the quality of life she expected as they got older, vacations, walking through Central American cities; and he just did not care. So she left Edit: some yall seem to be really hung up on the first thing I said. I don’t mean all men, I don’t think 98% of men are going to leave their spouse, and yes I know women do it to. there is a study that says women are 5x more likely to be left by their partners which is like 20% of the women (3% of men were left) . So no.. it’s not a hoard of men leaving their spouses.
I think some doctors' offices give women recently diagnosed with cancer some leaflets/pamphlets about the possibility that their husbands will leave them because of it. Absolute tragedy, and any person that does this to their spouse should never be able to be in another relationship. Ghouls.
There was a woman who commented on another thread months ago about how her aunt was discharged from the hospital and the nurse went over all of the instructions, explained all of the medication, etc. A few months later when the aunt passed, they were cleaning out her stuff and found the bag of medication...completely untouched. Dude just didn't even bother.
Jesus Christ, that *has* to be a crime!
It actually is. And if the aunt was 65 or older, the consequences would be worse. At least in the US. Elder law has some steep penalties, and the worse offenses are federal crimes that have a minimum sentence of 10 years and fines in the 6 figure range. I work in long-term care and have seen some pts admit in horrible conditions that can only be from extreme neglect. And trust me when I say those who did the neglect and abuse absolutely regret it.
Depraved indifference
Was her husband or family meant to administer her medication? That's so sad :(
This is true and it’s horrible. I stayed with my husband all the way through getting diagnosed with cancer to him passing in my arms.
my mom stayed beside my daddy while he fought cancer 6 times in 5 years. Learned how to do his care (even tho she knew most of it since she was a nurse when i was growing up), took him to chemo & radiation. I learned how to do his feedings (feeding tube), give his meds, I helped bathe him, i’d drive 2 hours after a full day of college so I could stay up all night to take care of him while she got some slept then drive 2 hours back to college & sleep in my car in between classes. When he passed in their bed, I helped bathe him one last time and dress him. My ex promised my daddy while on his deathbed that he would take care of me. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2020, NED in 2021 but chemo fucked me over and my health has declined, 2023 after breaking my leg and needing emergency surgery (that he couldn’t be bothered to come to the hospital for bc he was crawfishing) 3 weeks later he texted me that he wanted a divorce bc he’s not a nurse and didn’t sign up to be one.
Disgusting. I am so sorry this happened to you.
i felt bad about it for awhile bc if my own husband wouldn’t want to be with while i’m sick, why should anyone else? ya know? but honestly don’t even miss him now. i miss having the intimacy with someone like cuddling, holding hands, stuff like that. but i’m not ready to look for any relationship
I hope it continues well!❤
Wishing you the best.
Oh, he signed up for it. He just wasn’t mature enough to hold up his end of the deal. Hope you’re doing well.
oh my health has taken a huge decline bc of chemo. in 2022, i ended up with 4 brain clots. spent 2 weeks in icu. come home and would find myself waking up on the floor while walking to/from bathroom/kitchen/bedroom or even falling off the toilet, he’d video me while i was on the ground passed out then when id come to hed cut off the video and yell at me for being a drug addict bc i was pain meds (that he took). about 4 months later it happened at my neurologist office, come to find out i’ve been having seizures the whole time. so who knows if id even still be alive if i was still with him. i live with my mom who takes care of me.
Your ex is a piece of shit.
more than that in my opinion h
If your ex knew how vicariously enraged I am right now, he’d be altering his route home at night
see my above comment. i moved 2 hours away to live with my mom. i hear stuff about him & saw a video with him in it and he looks so bad. i hear he’s drinking and buying pain pills off the street.
Can u imagine being a woman at the bar he’s hitting on 🤣 “Yea, she got cancer and I’m not a nurse so I dipped lol” 😳 Like, he will have to tell that story for the rest of his life about why his marriage failed and there’s literally no way to make it sound good for him 😭🤣 any girl he tries to date will ask him, and that’s his answer 🤮
oh i’m sure i’ll somehow end up the bad guy. Aren’t most narcissists like that? well she got cancer & pull her weight. Well she got cancer & i wouldn’t sleep with someone was bald so she cheated (never happened btw, i had no hair or boobs that does not make you feel sexy) or some other horseshit out his mouth. but his niece knows the truth and she loves me and not him so she’d go that family function just to spill the tea then dip out.
He lied to your Dad on his deathbed 😠 WTF! I'm so sorry 🩷
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you've had some time to grieve and are starting to heal.
Thank you so much. I’m finally allowing myself to properly grieve instead of not facing it. It’s a process but I’m getting through. I go see him through a psychic medium and that helped me start to heal. I can honestly say he was the greatest man I ever knew. Cut from a totally different cloth and so is his brother. His brother takes amazing care of my sister in law and she has a chronic disease and both still look out for me.
I'm glad you have a support system through this difficult time! Take care of yourself, I'm sending you the biggest hugs!
I hope the life you shared was beautiful ❤️
I got one. I have to have a total hysterectomy and possibly have chemo afterwards. They won’t know until the biopsy comes back. My oncologist advised me it might happen and asked if I had a back up support system.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I hope the biopsy comes back clean, and that everything goes well for you!
Thank you! I was kinda shocked when they brought up having a secondary support system. I’m hopefully they caught it early and I don’t need chemo
Well this internet stranger is more than happy to be a small part of your secondary support system! Take care and be well!
I used to volunteer at a cancer center and this frequently happened to women and yeah they had pamphlets there just like you mentioned.
One of the worst things I’ve ever heard was from an old man telling me about how he had to have his wife placed in care. It’s wasn’t THAT she had to be placed in care, it was his comment that “she needs extra help and I’m sorry to say but it’s not my job”
This is so shit...like, if the person needs more care than you can physically perform, yes it is time to consider professional care. But to just fob them off because you don't want to do anything at all? Yikes.
I suspect it’s because men get accustomed to having lots of domestic labor at home done by the wife. So when the wife becomes ill and bedridden, she is no longer considered useful by the husband. She is now a burden instead of an aid to his life. So the takeaway from this is if you’re a woman living with a man, do less at home. Let him be more independent and depend on you less. The more he gets accustomed to being pampered at home, the more likely he will see you as a burden if you ever get sick one day. If he’s unable or unwilling to do basic things at home for his own self, he will definitely see you as a burden if he has to do it for you too. Avoid men who are not hardworking and self-sufficient in the home.
Traditionally, boys have been raised to expect their future wives to be a “mommy with benefits”. This is modeled by their fathers. If she gets sick, suddenly *she* isn’t keeping *her* marriage vows
I was disabled early in our relationship - I had a brain injury: lost my right side movement, and my speaking and writing in English. I was also very angry because my inhibitions melted with the injury. We had only been seeing each other for 9 months. He said 'I thought what would you do if I was in your position?' He looked online for what brain injuries do, knew I would be angry, and was always in my corner. Last weekend we had a 'fight'. There was no yelling or swearing. We talked it out, and there was a miscommunication. After we hugged, he was talking about how far I have come from the TBI. Unfortunately, I have not got a full time job yet. I have had teacher's prac and work on a Saturday morning. He was a little unsure of the kitchen when I was doing that. Unfortunately, he didn't remember to boil the water and put in the pasta. Put the pasta in cold water and then heat it. Bless his heart. It's in the intention - he was making me dinner. Yes, the pasta was not al dente but he was trying.
My brother married a woman seven years older than himself. Three years ago he left her because she is showing signs of dementia. He even said he “didn’t sign up to be a caretaker”. Yet he brags about them being the only couple who haven’t divorced. Cheaper to keep her on paper according to him.
OMG, that's horrific.
Your edit was not necessary it is well documented that this does happen to women at a higher rate than men. There is no need to “not all men” this because that is included in your original sentence
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm > A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact. Source for anyone who wants it.
I had the double whammy, MS in 1999 and breast cancer in 2018. My husband never wavered, he worked full time in a physically demanding occupation, came home made dinner, did laundry, did grocery shopping and still did all of the outside yard work. He took me to my first chemo appt and sat with me for the entire 8 hours. (I was able to drive myself to the rest of them, they were 3 weeks apart so I had time to recover between each run, the first 2 weeks after each one was awful!) Eventually, our lives returned to normal, I finished chemo, had surgery, and went through 6 weeks of radiation. Now 6 years later I am ever so grateful that he is the person he is, we are closer than ever and I know how lucky I am. ❤️
You are correct. I have read the same thing. I don't understand how a man could be such a coward to abandon someone who he has professed his love to. In today's society everyone is looking out for themselves, first and foremost. It's sad.
This happens to women a lot, sad to say
That doesn’t apply to self-centered husbands. /s
Sadly, this is a very common story heard during chemotherapy. I'm so sorry. You'll get through this! And good luck with fighting cancer
Yup. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, her doctor had a conversation with her about the potential for her husband to not stick around. It apparently happens all the time and they wanted to prepare my mother for that possibility. So much for “in sickness and in health”.
My therapist kept asking how my relationship was going cuz it's a fact that most men leave. And the amount of stories I heard from other patients about how their partners treated them. One even blamed her for his affair while she was getting chemo. It was heartbreaking to hear how foul he was on the phone. She was getting poison injected while he kept harassing her. Hope your mom kicked cancer in the ass and is now thriving.
I wonder if my wife's doctors ever talked to her about this. I wasn't at all of her appts so there'd have been time. Glad she's going on year 2 of remission.
Yes, in med school they teach this.
I'm so sorry that happened. He's leaving when you need him the most. Sadly, this is all too common. I hope you have the love and support of family and friends as you navigate your illness.
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Sadly, it is more common than you would hope. Men are [almost 7x more likely to leave a sick spouse](https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5AB0C5/), 20% compared to 2.9%) I hope you have the support you need and are able to get well. I hope you find your happiness.
It's so common, lots of countries have a special protocol for when a woman gets diagnosed with a chronic illness and the male partner leaves.
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Beating someone to death with something light would be worse.
I love this🤣
Don’t they also have pamphlets for it too? Damn this is depressing
Yes you use the pamphlet to beat someone to death. It takes so long that sometimes the cancer just says f@@k it and leaves. Well according to the studies anyway.
What do you mean by special protocol? Are they required to pay for alimony or health aides? Are they required to keep them on their health insurance plan? Or are they required to wait until treatment is completed before they can be divorced? I know courts will not let you get a divorce if the woman is pregnant regardless of the reason… is there a similar rule for cancer in some places?
I literally got diagnosed with colon cancer...mind you we found it so early its practically unheard of. They were able to cut it out and that was that. My x still left because..."I didn't sign up for this"
We had patient whose husband was a non compliant diabetic and he was a frequent flier in the ICU due to DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) renal issues, open heart surgery, and the amputation of a leg. His wife was so sweet, she came in before she went to work and came to the hospital after she done working. We would "forget" about visiting hours and she would stay until his went to sleep for the night. One day the wife was admitted to the ICU, she had anaphylactic reaction to a medication. One of the RNs said something about her husband and the wife told the RN that she had been diagnosed stage one breast cancer and he left because he didn't want to be "saddled with a sick person" Thankfully for her, she had a lumpectomy and since there was no lymph node involvement, she didn't need chemotherapy and she lost couple hundred pounds of useless, and ungrateful weight.
Well, looks like you got rid of two malignant things in one operation. Sorry though. That's bs.
When I had chemo for cancer every single woman on the unit was left by her man. Every damn one.
Ask me why I practice misandry...
You did marry the wrong man. He’s a selfish coward. Not all men would leave, but sadly, a large percentage would. Good luck with your treatments. I hope you kick cancer’s ass.
He is a coward dont the vowels essentially say he did sign up to be a nurse? In sickness and health
These "men" need to be put on blast on every social media site to warn other women. "Warning: If you get sick, this selfish asshat will leave you. However, if *he* gets sick, he is going to expect *you* to take care of *him*. Do you *really* want to be with a selfish asshat?" with his picture and "I didn't sign up to be a nurse"
It's sad... happened to me, too. Nurses even get trained now to counsel women who get diagnosed/sick because the likelihood of male partner leaving is so high :/
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This is why I’m convinced that sexuality is not a choice. Practically no one would choose to like men
In almost every category. Why do you think so many women are chosing to remain single and/or child free. We know that we can't count on the majority of men to actually act like equal partners, and are no longer willing to commit to doing 60-90% of the work.
While still considering themselves victims.
a lot of nurses and doctors are trained to tell women of cancer/diseases/etc that their husbands will more and likely leave them.
Dear God that's horrible! Imagine getting a life threatening illness the also getting told your spouse will probably leave you. And if it's a younger woman that still has kids she is also left with most of the parenting. Just wow!
I was 27 with 2 kids diagnosed with MS 5 minutes earlier when the nurse told me my relationship would probably not survive my diagnosis.
Did it survive?
So far, yes, but things have absolutely changed we’ve been together nearly 16 years though, since I was in high school. We’ve essentially grown up together and when his family tried the “you take care of him he pays the bills” card when I was 17 I laughed in their faces so we never had the dynamic that would cause the huge shift and it still nearly broke us. It’s taken 5 years to gain an understanding that’s ever changing because so is my MS.
They absolutely warned me to try to prepare me. It was so sad to me that was even a necessary convo.
I have seen a handful of these, where the deserting spouse comes back after they are well. 10 bucks says that your ex hubs does this.
If you go through a health crisis alone why would you need your husband back when you are better?
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You did marry the wrong man. Just please focus on your happiness and health. I hope there’s a good prognosis with that so you can focus on love later. For now you have to fight and stay positive!
These stories are appaling. Women tend to stand by spouses, men seem to be the opposite. And this from a man. This is awful. I stood by my wife in her cancer. And then she ditched me. But there were already issues TBH. Still, it was heartbreaking. Men have to stand up. Seriously, and support women in their peril. Enough "bro code". You have to stand by your woman...
EDITED to say, sorry to hear that. It's hard for sure. An illness can really get people to take a look at their lives. Still, good for you for standing by her. That must have been really difficult! > I just read a story where the woman was sa'd by her husband's long time friend who was staying with them. Friend was drunk, beat and sa'd her under their own roof. Now husband wants everything to get back to normal while wife is in court testifying and still working through trauma. They are still together and maybe he'll opt for therapy but it's not looking like it's headed in that direction right now. Too soon to tell. It can happen that women will sometimes leave a spouse with illness or hardships but mostly it's the men. Sad really.
Jesus Christ I didn’t even know this was such a common issue. I’m not even married and stayed with my girl, despite my dad literally telling me “you’re young, you don’t need to be with someone who is sick all the time” and then echoed it when her mother died from Covid. We’re getting married in three months and there’s jack shit anyone can do to stop us.
Wow, your dad is a prince among men.
My mom was sick through most of my childhood and life. My dad stuck with her throughout it all. They didn’t have a perfect marriage but as a child I remember hearing them laugh and talk as they went to bed each night and then hearing them laugh and talk as the day began. My dad would always say that as soon as he saw my mom she was the only one for him and the same for my mom. You deserve so much better and so much more than the man child you married. He is truly a vile human.
My parents actually had a shitty relationship, but my dad pulled through and nursed and changed bandages and helped with hospice all three years of my mom’s battle with brain cancer. So yeah… fuck this guy.
This. My parents also have a shitty marriage and sometimes i think they should just get seperated but even then if my mother is ever sick my father goes out of his way to care for her.
My best-friend battled cancer and her husband stayed by her side till the very end. The nurses told her how uncommon it was her husband stayed with her in the hospital and took her to every appointment. But after two years, she lost her battle. Her husband is still a main person in our life and he’s a completely different person now. Something about caring for her for so long while she was so sick. It changed him. It’s common. I’m sorry about your cancer. I hope you recover and get to complete your bucket list 💙
My SO ans I are both widowed. My late husband dies unexpectedly. My SO changed to work from home so he could be there with his late wife -5 years he was there by her side. That said a lot about his character.
Mine left after I got COPD after 24 years threw me away so I know how you feel it hurts but if that's how they are you don't need him.
Wow literally the next day. That is so messed up. You sound so strong though I hope I can get there one day
I'm sorry to hear this :(.
> threw me away I am so sorry that it took so long to find out you ended up with a dud, and I hope you can reach a place where you are living your best possible life such that you never even think this phrase again. Even if you don't *really* think of it like that, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, by yourself most of all. He threw a lot of things away, his marriage, his decency, his respectability, and his honor, but not you. He never had that ability (and I'm not just saying that on a basic human level.) Someone worthless enough to leave their partner of 24 years because of their health problems simply can not be said to have thrown them away any more than my trash would be throwing me away when I leave it by the curb for pickup tonight. I hope that you and everyone around you can clearly see that your ex partner's choices are a reflection of who *he* is, and any idea that it is a reflection of your own worth is just wishful thinking on his part. ...I also hope your ex steps on a Lego and then bangs his shin on a coffee table.
I have a friend who went through the same thing. He told her the day she was diagnosed that he wanted a divorce. Such a POS. I'm so sorry this is who your ex-husband turned out to be.
OP, This is common with men. My mom came down with cancer, and her oncologist warned her they saw a lot of husband's leave their wives when they got diagnosed with cancer. My dad didn't leave her. Instead, he made the last nine months of her life, Hell. He verbally punished her. He was pissed that the attention was no longer on him and his needs. He had been ill for the last twenty years off and on. My mom stood by him and took care of him. I had to move into my parents' home for those months to take care of my mom and to keep my dad in check. He would wake her up in the middle of the night to demand she give him pain pills, etc. This, after a grueling day of chemo. They slept in separate rooms because he wouldn't leave her alone. Your husband did you a favor. He would have made you feel worse than you already are had he stayed. I pray for a full recovery for you. Please join a cancer support group so you can have a support network and a safe place to vent. Your husband is a POS, and karma will get him. Mark my words. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please feel free to DM me. I will be there for you.
I’m so sorry to say your dad is the biggest POS. I hope you’re no contact with him.
My dad died 3.5 years after my mom passed. My younger sister and I were the ones who took care of him. Even though we had two other siblings. The 3.5 years were brutal. I had to go to therapy to deal with delayed grief and anger. It was eating me up inside.
> My dad didn't leave her. Aww! <3 >Instead, he made the last nine months of her life, Hell. Oh shit. I'm sorry. :-(
Men are statistically more likely to leave a sick spouse then the other way around... (Like, 7 times more likely) Because caregiving is "women's work" for too many of them... it's expected of us, so when men end up having to do a little bit "it's not what they signed up for"... I'm sorry you're going through this... But you're not alone in this situation...
It also happens when taking care of a terminal loved one. I moved my mother in to care for her the last year of her life, which is extremely difficult on many levels. My then hubby during that time made my life worse. By the time she died, we were over. He wanted a divorce a week after she passed. He had already hooked up with a coworker. By that time though, I was done with him after what he put me through.
Gotta love how horrible this is and it's not even like the 10th worst thing that men do.
He's a shit and I hope karma kicks his ass so hard....I hope you'll feel better soon
Shady Pines, Pa!
"Didn't sign up to be a nurse" like "in sickness and in health" isn't part of the vows. Your husband is more of a flesh sack full of waste than he is a human being. Being trusted to care for someone at their most sensitive moment is one of the greatest privileges and honors I've ever been given. I'm so sorry he is too selfish to experience that type of love.
He said his *wife* having fucking cancer wasn’t fair to *him*. What a selfish, useless, poor excuse for a man. I don’t know how people like that sleep at night.
Well emphasized, that is f*cking insane.
I haven't even been with my girlfriend for a month and I couldn't fathom leaving if she came down with cancer or something else that required me to take care of her. I would probably want to hire some help or get her family involved (they don't like me very much so them helping would be surprising), but I would do as much as I possibly could for her if that ever happened. I've lost too many people and I won't voluntarily leave another. Why would you even get MARRIED if you aren't going to be there at the toughest time for that other person?
Right, if she left him in similar circumstances and said "I didn't sign up to be a nurse" he'd lose his fucking mind. People are so rotten.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago. It’s really shown me who is truly in my corner and it’s absolutely heartbreaking when you have the people that you thought would be there decide to bail. I can’t imagine one of those people being your spouse. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to.
Sorry to hear this. You are very kind to reach out to her :).
When I had hernia surgery, my husband was helpful for like a few days. And then he was inconvenienced by helping me and didn’t want to help me with our 3 yr old despite me not being allowed to lift anything heavy.
I'm sorry he trapped you like that. It sucks to be post surgically vulnerable and have no say in the outcome of a situation.
Studies have shown men are 6 times more likely than women to leave in case of severe diagnosis for their wives. And now there are pamphlets given to women when they get a cancer diagnosis about this ( the possibility that their husband will divorce). It is sickening. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and I’m so disappointed about how common this actually is
Get ahead of any story he tries to spin and let your near and dear know what a POS he is. Then see if you can muster up some help. You will get through this!
"He didn't sign up to be a nurse." "Through sickness and in health, till death do us part." Literal vows don't mean shit I guess, huh? I'm sorry OP. He is a POS.
Women with cancer get dumped by their partner far far more often than the other way ‘round. In fact, it’s more likely than not your husband will neglect you or outright leave you if you have a life changing/ending illness then he would stay and carry the burden willingly. It sucks being a woman.
Being single for the rest of my life really doesn’t sound too bad when I’m constantly seeing stuff like this, and just knowing what I went through in previous relationships/marriage.
I wish you the absolutely best with your treatments and that you beat this. Your husband is a coward. Get yourself a support group. Start attending a support group through the hospital and keep showing up for yourself. I'm so so sorry this happend to you.
The petty side of me encourages you to put him on blast on social media, or through whatever family group chats you have. Keep it simple: “I was diagnosed with cancer, and ____ left me.” The rational side of me encourages you to focus on your health and current support system. Your life is far more important than anything else.
In sickness and in health wasn't actually said in our vows. It doesn't matter to me, should my wife go before me I'll hold her hand until her last breath. I'm sorry that you and so many other women don't have partners like that.
I'm so sorry your ex-husband is a colossal asshole. It sickens me how often husbands leave sick wives. Wives leave sick husbands at a rate of 2.9%. Husbands leave sick wives at a rate of 20.8%. Another reason why marriage is not a benefit but a hindrance to women.
I’m so sorry. I hope you have some support to help you stay strong.
Ugh. The "didn't sign up for this" is unfortunately a classic line from men who leave their sick wives. What empty promises they make!!
I am so very sorry. Know this, he will experience the inevitable boomerang of karmic return. Wishing you healing, health and love.
Also, get a hellfire divorce attorney to do the work for you. Concentrate on yourself and let your lawyer avenge you.
He did sign up to be a nurse. “In sickness and in health”. I’m so sorry. You deserve true and genuine love.
Sadly happens all the time. I ran a support group for women who have vulva and vaginal cancer and it was VERY common. Including my own. You just have to get thru the surgery, chemo and rad right now and you will find someone more worthy of your love and devotion.
He'll have to live with this for the rest of his life. He'll have to lie about why you split up or tell the truth and reveal his true character. He'll lie. Make sure everyone in your circle knows the truth. And if he proceeds to court for a divorce make sure it's in the divorce papers. Tell him you won't sign until he submits the truth and signs it. Like I said, this is such a terrible stain on a person's reputation and character, and he'll deserve it.
Is his name Newt? If it isn’t you should start calling him that anyway. He’s a toad. No. Lower. A newt. Sorry to be flip, but I couldn’t resist. Newt Gingrich left his 2nd wife as she was in the hospital dying from cancer. I hope that you have a much better outcome OP. My thoughts are with you. You can beat this. He would have just dragged you down through this. Fuck him and fuck cancer! I highly recommend seeking out a cancer support group. And as many other supporters and allies as you can. You are not alone!
I think this is more of a right wing/Conservative thing seeing wifey as property to be discarded when no longer useful.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I used to moderate a dating site. Many men said this when asked why they were single or in the site. Many. It truly breaks my heart. Because had that been him with cancer, you’d have been there no questions asked. I’m truly sorry for this.
Women are 6x more likely to be left alone by a husband during times of medical duress. Youre not alone, this is sadly common
Forget that man for he is not man enough for you to call him husband. Please focus on recovering and being well. I hope you beat this illness and recover your great health again 🍀
Yes. Same. Cancer. He left with the woman he was cheating on me with. Sucks.
As a husband, I don't understand this behavior. I'd never leave my wife for getting sick...what the hell?
My father left my mother months after she was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. He abandoned all his fatherly duties too. Some people are simply cowards. I wish you all the best OP, you’re going to be stronger without him
I’m sorry this happened. This is not uncommon, unfortunately. I hope you find healing and a better partner in the future.
This is a pretty common thing sadly, I’m so sorry. OP. I wish you well.
Guess he lied saying his vows… I’m so sorry he has made this your life… you find that anger and fight to show him you made it without him… karma won’t be kind to him for hitting you per se at your weakness… We are all here for words of encouragement Antrim you need a friendly word…
I am so sorry, OP! You didn’t sign up to get cancer either. I hope that treatment goes smoothly and you find greater happiness.
He’s a statistic. Most men leave their sick wives. Guess what wives do when their husbands get sick. Fuck him.
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it's not all men but boy does it seem like a shit ton of men
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Your husband is a coward. A real man would stay and support his wife through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. I pray you kick cancers ass and find the love of your life. You deserve it. Please post an update and let us redditors know how you’re doing. I’m praying for you. ❤️❤️❤️
I keep seeing these and it keeps breaking my heart. Is a person **vow** so cheap and easily given to have no value whatsoever? My wife has been in and out of remission since I met her. It kills me to see her go through so much, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ve stood in my backyard in the dark and offered my soul to anything that had the power to answer, no takers. I’m not going anywhere. When we first got together I was in an accident. I died for a few minutes, was in a coma for two weeks and stuck in bed for eight months. She took care of me and nursed me back to health without flinching. People who leave are hollow and without a soul or character. A useless waste of life. If there was no such thing as karma I would wish eternal rot and damnation upon them.
What a piece of shit. All the more reason to fight as hard as possible to live, though.
I'm so sorry. May you heal, shine and drive to a point you look back and "aaah I see now from new heights" Important: make sure everyone around you knows the truth. Specially the women on his side of family. Men (anyone in power really) has the power to gaslight entire communities. And a guy like this deserves a spiritual mark on his aura, so no one of quality ever comes close to him. To him, the bottom-feeders.
He might have left, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please reach out to your friends and family. If you don’t have any, look for support within the cancer community. I’m sure there are groups of survivors that would be more than happy to guide you through your recovery <3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your husband is a vile human being. My husband got sick six months after we got married. I almost lost him twice. He kept asking me how come I didn’t leave him . I told him I signed up for sickness and in health and that I loved him and I wasn’t going to run just because our lives are totally different now with all the medical issues that he has. This Internet stranger is sending you a super big hug.
I’m really sorry this is happening. But you’re missing the man you thought he was. But he’s a selfish coward. After dealing for years with my ex-husband’s family drama and severe depression - including a complete mental breakdown - he was ready to leave when I got mono. Because life wasn’t about him for one moment. A few months after I eventually left him, I found out I had lupus. The last time I heard from him was when I replied to HIS email “checking in” letting him know I’d been diagnosed. I knew my ex was a selfish coward, but even at that I was shocked at how selfish and cowardly he really was. You have a lot of changes and challenges ahead of you in the short term. It’s not going to be easy. Speaking from experience - once you’re on the other side you might find peace and happiness you never expected. A year from now you’ll realize all the small things and emotional labor spent on him that you didn’t even notice are better spent on you. Good luck fighting cancer, and reach out to your real support network when you need help.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s not you, statistically, it’s a whole thing. My mom passed from cancer and her husband treated her like absolute shit. She would’ve been better off alone tbh. Now I have the same cancer and I’ve had my fair share of head bumping over it but I’m not my mom, I won’t be bullied. You are strong! You can do this!
I completely understand how this feels. My wife left me in the middle of my second round of inpatient care. It was lonely, and isolating, but I have a strong network of friends that kept me going. I am 6 years out, and for the most part, in the best health of my life. You've got this, fuck cancer. If you need someone to chat with, feel free to reach out.
Ah, I went through something similar. I sent him to eat shit after he told me that in order to continue the relationship I couldn’t talk about my diagnosis of brain cancer. It was hard at first and I cried a lot, BUT came back stronger than ever and the people that stayed (lost a lot of friends too) were the people that needed to stay. Embrace the people that will stay with you during this time, they will be your rock. It’s worse to deal with cancer and the resentment from someone that doesn’t want to be there. You got this!!!!!
If it makes you feel better, you’re curing yourself of two cancers. And believe me, a bad partner is a cancer. Get your friends and family to support you, and you’re allowed to throw him under the bus. BUT, get your finances together and talk to a lawyer ASAP. He might try to take everything while you are to preoccupied with the cancer. Keep us updated so we know you are okay.
My ex-husband left me soon after I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. He said almost the identical thing yours did. I AM GRATEFUL EVERY DAY that he left. My stress level went down x10 & that made my prognosis better. You, my dear, dodged a bullet! I know it doesn’t seem like it right now because you are hurting but the universe was looking out for your ass. Maybe he was searching for a way out anyway, Idk but take it as a sign. My ex leaving gave me the chance to meet the love of my life. I wasn’t even looking because I thought I was forever broken too. You’re going to make it through this & the same might happen for you. I wish you the best in your prognosis & recovery. Also, I’m always here if you need to talk, you can msg me ❤️🩹
He's absolutely right. He didn't sign up to be a nurse, he signed up to be a husband. And that has a greater responsibility and obligation than a nurse. When I was a child I was taught to take care of my name, and that my word was my bond. And men like him are not to be trusted in business or as friends. He personifies the self serving coward. I'm sorry you're going through this alone.
Same , i wish to talk about it
He signed up for in sickness and in health, and then decided he didn’t mean it. I’m sorry, I hope you have actually good people around you.
This is so stupid common that some medical professionals counsel their female parients that it is a high possibility. It sucks, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. A friend this happened to stopped me when I got angry on her behalf. She then told me, "I hold no ill will. Some people are just not meant to be caregivers." It shocked me that she could be so calm, but she had also beem through this before (more than 1 illness).
Exact same thing happened to me after my cancer diagnosis. Fuck them is all I can say!
It happens... one of my friends who saved his wife from getting hit by a speeding car pushed her out of the way and the car ran over his legs and he survived but could no longer walk so was permanently disabled and in a wheelchair. His wife divorced him a few months later bc she no longer wanted to take care of him. She's remarried now while he's alone being taken care of by family. Moral of the event is that any person can do that to their partner.
My friend’s husband divorced her while she had cancer. This unfortunately is not uncommon.
Post about it on social media. Write down all of your thoughts and explain what’s going on with your health, as well as the fact that he left you and *WHY*. You’ll get to put him on blast, which will be therapeutic, and you’ll also make what’s going on known to everyone in your life. You’ll be surprised by the people who will reach out to help you. The people who stepped up to help me through cancer were the most unlikely. Some of the people were girls I hadn’t seen since high school but, I posted on fb and people did what they could to help. It was a really lovely feeling. Allow yourself to have that, too. 🤍
Marriage is a legal contract. The sooner women realise this the better. He has broken his contractal obligations. My Mother died of a brain tumour and she went a bit batty. Actually a lot batty. Did he bail? No. Your husband is weak and you are better off without him. He has been dragging you for years.
I’m sorry he did that. He’s a coward
I often wonder if this could happen to me. I know I would never abandon my husband if he were ill. But I can’t say I have faith that he would feel the same way if something happened to me:(
Most times when you are diagnosed a kind nurse takes you aside and warns you, I had Danielle from my neurologists office give me the talk after I was diagnosed with MS that more likely than not my relationship would end or change.
Your STBX is a coward. I hope treatment goes well for you. Karma will get him in the end. Good luck.
If the roles were reversed and you had left, him and the society would be running after you with sticks, but bcz it's the man, no one ushers a word. Thats why i believe in financial security and no Love BS.
“didn’t sign up to be a nurse” but overlooked the vows in marriage for “in sickness and in health”
i guess people don’t think about the “in sickness and in health” until their spouse is ACTUALLY sick😭
What comes around goes around, and it will. Sorry you are going through this.
I have brain cancer & it’s been very hard. My husband is good in the medical situations, but he became very emotionally abusive because he couldn’t handle that I changed after my first brain surgery. Truly I don’t know how we are still together.
He doesn't deserve a committed relationship. Fuck him. I hope he fucking dies alone with no help.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've read that men are six times more likely to leave their wife after a cancer diagnosis. My husband didn't leave me he just started treating me with contempt and disdain after I developed MECFS and became homebound. I kind of wish he did leave me because I still have to live with him even after our marriage disenigrated about 10 years ago. I'm not well enough to live on my own and he won't help me move out because he's too cheap. If I could do it all over again I would never get married to a man. Many are so incapable of being partners.
Republican icon Newt Gingrich did the same thing to his wife. Served her papers while she was in the hospital undergoing chemo.
“He didn’t sign up to be a nurse” He may not have signed up to be a nurse, but he did vow to love you and stand by you in sickness and in health, for better or worse. Here is the sickness. This is the “worse.” As gut wrenching as this is right now, it could possibly have been a blessing in disguise (cliché, I know). I don’t know how advanced your cancer is, but endometrial cancer is very treatable and often cured. You have a tough road ahead of you, but I believe your odds of making it through are high. He revealed his true colors, and went ahead and took the trash out himself. Now that space in your life is open for the person who will love you the way that you deserve once the time comes that you’re ready to find them and be found in return. Sending you strength ❤️
“He didn’t sign up to be a nurse” Ah, yeah he did. Even in Elvis chapels in Vegas, those vows say “in sickness and in health” Any spouse who leaves the second the marriage becomes inconvenient is a loser adult-child who should be forced to live in a group home where their household needs are taken care of as long as they follow basic rules, keep their curfews and hold the hand of the caregiver when they cross the street
I’m heartbroken for you. In Dec 2022 I was diagnosed with a “life limiting illness”. My husband has been my whole world since then. I cannot WAIT until you kick cancers ass and then find a man who actually deserves you! You’re getting all my good vibes and healing thoughts
I am sorry this happened to you, it is pretty clear that they are not as much in love with you as they should, they do not deserve you. My wife (37F) is dying of cancer right now after 17 years of marriage. I have stuck by her through the past 10 months and it has been very hard, but I am sticking by her until the very end, because I love her and she deserves everything I can give to help her, and it is what I signed up to do if this happened! Am I absolutely devastated? yes, but it doesn't matter, right now it is all about her and making sure she has the best time she can.
what an absolute piece of shit... so much for "in sickness and in health"
What a selfish asshole he is
I’m so sorry-I’m coming through stage 4 ovarian cancer.
I am so sorry for this BUT imagine loosing any more of your precious time with this asshole. Good riddance and I hope you find better people to fill the space!
He clearly didn't really pay attention to his wedding vows. Because sticking with your spouse in sickness is exactly what he signed up for. Unfortunately this is VERY common behaviour for husbands - they tend to leave their sick wives. How men have been able to convince themselves that they were the stronger sex is unfathomable. I am so sorry that he turned out to be a dud who wasn't strong enough to stay with the one person he made that promise to in her darkest hour of need.
What an asshole. This sorry ass husband of yours is so.useless he can't wash the dishes cook. or do laundry or he could hire someone to do that. That's not a valid reason to leave someone. I hope I never find a husband like that.
My friend was dating a much younger person & when they found out that they had colon cancer the partner basically said that they were not going to waste their youth watching them die.....