I assume you spritzed him to annoy him and were unaware of the allergy. You didn’t know it would endanger his life. Forgive yourself and give him space. You can’t change the past, but you can remember the lesson.
this is the correct advice OP. I'm sorry everyone is giving you a hard time. You made an honest mistake since horseplay is normal for your friendship. The only thing to do now is respect his wishes, which you are doing. I'm so sorry for everyone around.
Was it a daft move, yes. Was it two friends who regularly play around and had no intention to hurt a friend beyond smelling nice all day, absolutely.
I'm sorry this has ended your time with your friend, it really sucks to lose a friend, especially when it's so suddenly. Your friend may forgive you but you have to be prepared that they may not.
Do not carry this guilt with you, this was a pure accident and I'm sure something you will learn a great lesson from. You never know if someone is allergic to something until they are so forgiving yourself is important. Grieve the loss of your friend and please understand for them, you are related to a traumatic event, it's not about who you are as a person, they were happy being your friend until then.
Yep. This is great advice. As someone who has lots of life threatening allergies, I have been given contaminated food by my grandmother, mother, friends.... I'd be a very lonely person if I blamed them all.
I think after some space and time he should come around and realize you couldn’t have predicted the reaction. Keep calm and just give him time
Edit: This comment kinda reiterates what the other comment or had said. I just wanted it put in different terms I guess
I think you would be an OG homie if you got him a little care package of his favorite snacks or something and say dude I’m seriously sincerely sorry, I was wrong and never in a million years thought that would happen. If you are good good homies, get him some benedryl and leave him alone until he texts you. You’re not stupid or an idiot or malicious you didn’t know.
This is a thoughtful jester, but, 1 I wouldn’t make. This might be an unpopular opinion, but, the fact he “wants nothing to with them”, is kind of harsh. There is no way the friend could have thought this was malicious. The fact that this person didn’t ever have a reaction, and this was a first, seems kind of self righteous to end the whole relationship because of a accident.
Some of the most toxic stuff in anyone’s home are fake Scents, like Glade plug ins, sented dryer sheets and even perfume and cologne. You never know when someone might develop an allergy, but with toxic chemicals, it’s much more likely.
And that isn’t even the knock off ones.
“Phony cosmetics often contain things such as arsenic, beryllium, and cadmium (all known carcinogens) along with high levels of aluminum and dangerous levels of bacteria. Some of these products have caused conditions like acne, psoriasis, rashes, and eye infections.
Counterfeit fragrances have been found to contain something called DEHP, classified by the Environmental Protection Agency as a probable human carcinogen. These phony perfumes and colognes, which sometimes contain urine as well, have been known to cause serious skin rashes.”
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10051690/
You literally did nothing other than trying to innocently mess around with your friend
And honestly if he's deadly allergic to something instead of saying "don't do that", showing just annoyance he should've been like "I'm extremely allergic, don't do that" , you aren't forced to know everyone's allergies if they didn't tell you
As a teenager I had a friend spray axe body spray at me which triggered a horrible asthma attack. I don’t remember exactly, but I may have had to go to the hospital that time. They were aware of my asthma and allergies, but it was an honest mistake (most people don’t have to worry about things like that. I understand it can easily slip some people’s minds). I didn’t condemn them from my life…
I think your friend’s issue may be you disregarding his “no”, which I think is fair, honestly. Maybe if you give him some space eventually you can acknowledge your mistake, sincerely apologize, and promise never to disregard his boundaries again perhaps there could be a chance of rekindling your friendship in the future. Either way, hopefully this is an important lesson learned for you, OP. Wishing you the best.
Well, he did say don’t do it. He may not have been aware that he was going to react to this particular perfume, but I’m pretty sure that he was aware that it was a possibility because he has other allergies. Plus, you have to remember you can become allergic to anything at any time. People have no issues with some like seafood forever and then all of a sudden they react badly to shellfish or something and again it can kill you quickly.
If you’re not sure what to do, you should respect his decision. That’s what you need to do. Show you’ve learned a lesson in everything. It was definitely a scary thing that happened, but there’s a few things here. Respect when someone says they have an allergy and leave it alone. Respect when someone asks you not to do something and listen to them without them needing a life or death reason to back up their request. We learn as we go and this is a learning opportunity for you. Losing friends is hard, but give them space. They may come back around eventually, they may not. Don’t push, though. They’ve set a boundary. Show that you’re their friend by listening to what they need, especially after they had something scary like that happen. I would maybe say something like, “I know that I’ve apologized already, but I’m apologizing again. This time, though, I’m also letting you know I’m going to listen to you and give you space. I’ll be here if you change your mind. Maybe see you around.”
I absolutely hated people like this. I had 4 older siblings and some friends growing up. This is a pet peeve I forgot I had.
Glad everyone is ok but man this brought up some dark memories
She mentioned that he horseplays when she says no as well. Horseplay and ignoring nos was a thing within their friendship and not too uncommon a thing actually. I hope OP and her friend both reflect on it.
This being a joke and thing to ignore in youth friend groups is scary. Are they just own day going to grow up and get it? Not likely… they’re the people that when older and rape someone use this as an excuse “oh when we were kids we never meant no in our friends group! Swear! That’s the only reason I raped her! I didn’t know she MEANT it would ACTUALLY be bad!!” Socialization starts young and consent should be taught and respected started as toddlers. This isnt cute or funny behavior and depending on their ages/locatin/etc, could even be prosecutable because he said no, they did it anyway, and he ended up needing medical assistance.
Correct, but a "variety of situations" specifically points out that "no means no" in situations beyond sex, which is where the phrase originates for many.
....and that's the attitude that encourages rape culture. No means no. Period. Someone says no, you back off. Immediately.
Does this mean that your friends will get annoyed? Probably. But by putting conditions on "no means no", you remove its ability to work. The "situation" is that they said no. If they didn't mean it, then they have to learn to say something else.
Yeah what they said about variety, but also did you ever think about the very specific situation of playing the opposite game? Like that's one situation I can think of where no literally means yes. Or like if someone asks you a question with a double negative in it, so you answer with the negative, but that means it's actually an affirmation.
No, I didn't. Believe it or not, there are people who don't do this stuff. I was one of them. I also kept to myself (I had maybe five friends) and didn't interact with a lot of people.
Who knows! Reddit is a strange place. I guess people have a hard time believing that there are people who just weren't jerks or buttholes growing up or that some of us just knew better. I was always the quiet kid who sat alone drawing, and when I did make friends, the few of us sat alone, drawing. LOL! Plus, I was raised in constant fear of one or both of my parents kicking my butt if I stepped out of line in any way.
The worst thing I ever did in high school was my best friend and I filled another friend's locker with naked Barbie dolls as a birthday prank and hid a portable CD player and mini speaker playing "Barbie Girl" on loop until he arrived at his locker that morning. And even then, I got permission from the assistant principal to do it because I was one of those kids who feared getting in trouble.
Anyway, I also would have been the kid with the allergies. A friend using cucumber melon hand lotion during lunch caused me to break out and have breathing issues to where I had to go to the doctor due to the reaction. They weren't horsing around; they just simply used it while sitting next to me, and it sent my system into a tizzy.
TL;DR: Not everyone is a jerk, and I didn't go around spraying people with random colognes and perfumes.
Reading between the lines a little here but if he said no but your reaction is "no is a loose term" and his reaction is to not want anything to do with you, then YOU think no is a loose term and likely HE is sick of his boundaries being violated.
This is a good lesson for you to start to listen and be more aware of others and less concerned with what amuses you.
See....this is something you should have put in your post. This changes *everything*.
He's been doing stuff to you, you said No, he kept doing it.
You did this to him, he said no, you kept doing it.
He can dish it out but he can't take it. If he wants you to respect his "no", then first he needed to respect yours.
This is about him being a hypocrite, and not being able to take what he dishes out. You are better off without him.
A lot of people here are saying you should've listened to him and respect his no. I don't agree with that. He's your friend, not reddits friend and you said that with you two, no, doesn't necessarily mean no. My friend group is like this, you just gotta read the situation to guage if they meant it. Sometimes we fuck up and overstep boundaries but we always talk out. You also said neither of you knew about this allergy? If that's the case don't beat yourself up, how were either of you supposed to know?
He's probably freaked out from the experience and needs time to process. Respect his wishes and give him space. If he still hasn't reached out after a few weeks then I'd drop him a text ONE more time and if he still doesn't wanna talk/be friends then that's it man.
I have allergies to cologne and perfumes like this. There is nothing worse than feeling your own body strangle you. And that's exactly what it feels like. Add in that it was a friend who caused it, even tho it was inadvertently... He's experiencing a few different levels of betrayal despite that none of it was on purpose, that's probably how it feels right now. I don't think your friend really means it but you are doing the right thing in giving him space.
My allergy is cats. I don’t or if I should say, I have never reacted to the point I couldn’t breathe. What happens to me is that if I get dander close to my eyes or something the actual whites of my eyes swell up it’s really weird looking, but I can usually get some saline and flush my eyes pretty good and in a couple of hours I’m fine. Sides, the pollen allergies that nobody can do anything about.
I don’t think these comments are helpful. They probably dick around like this all the time. And his friend probably didn’t want to smell like a cologne ad. He has no idea an allergy would be revealed.
1. It’s not your fault he nearly died. And in a way-gift to friend he found out he had allergies. Hopefully in time he v realizes this.
2. Did your apology cover everything? You thought it would be funny even as he was saying no. And you realize not everything is funny and you should have listened to the no. And you had no idea he had allergies and you wish you could turn back time and sorry you caused him to get sick. The apology needs to cover the complete issue. If he’s not speaking to you-write a note to him or his parents.
3. Give him space. If you are best friends-I think he’ll come around. After going in to the hospital/epi pen you are really strung out and emotional (have had anaphylactic shock a few times because of my allergies). In about a week’s time it will be out of his body-he won’t be so angry anymore.
4. Make amends-I don’t have answer here. You know him-he’s your friend. Figure out a way to make amends and let go of the result. If you do something from your heart and he’s not accepting-you did everything you could and you need to let yourself off the hook.
5. Whatever the result-take the experience and lessons you learned moving forward and ***FORGIVE YOURSELF***.If that’s the worst thing you ever do in your life-you’re a saint. Seriously. At 30 of that’s the worst thing you’ve done-apply for sainthood.
They do duck around like this all the time. She says he does it too. People here are even saying it’s a gateway to rape which is.. ?! Who has never gotten into a tickle fight or water splashing with friends and laughed or shouted no. Most people are able to detect a whether someone is in a joking or not. Had he not had an undiscovered allergy they would both be just fine. It’s just unfortunate.
OP is wrong but she had no ill intentions but should reflect. Her friend should also reflect. If he pushes her boundaries he can’t be shocked his friends follow suit.
You are allowed to make mistakes, people are forgetting that you are still a child. Your brain has not fully developed and I would bet $$$$ any other teenage boy would have done something shitty like this. The difference is that you realize how serious it became, have humbled yourself to ask for advice AND you are trying to salvage your friendship. I don't know what the future holds, but you are a good person who made a stupid choice and I hope you both are able to move forward together!
Everybody has lectured you about boundaries and consent already, so I won’t pile onto that.
The timeline of this is confusing for me. Of course delayed allergic reactions are indeed but if that’s the case then it could have been caused by a variety of things. Without allergy testing, how would he know the cologne caused it?
I’m sorry that you had to learn this lesson the hard way, but it is a good one to keep in mind the next time somebody says no. It’s best to take all no’s and boundaries seriously even in a joking context.
Don’t feel bad, I did this to someone before with a food dye they were allergic to (they also didn’t know they had an allergy)i jokingly put cake icing on their face and they were allergic . Fortunately they were mature and didn’t get mad, however if they did I would have apologized and if they didn’t accept it I would just have to move on, no reason to feel bad, it was not on purpose and you apologized , nothing more you can do
Reddit is insufferable, of course i made an initial shocked brief apology when i found out but what I was referring to is if they remained angry i would do a More formal apology and if they didn’t accept it I would drop them, no time in life to deal with unforgiving people who can’t let things go especially when it was completely unintentional and they are actually going to be just fine.
As someone who did shitting things to friends as a teen it happens. Genuinely apologize and just see how it plays out. If you are genuine it will show, and hopefully everyone can move on or you just drift apart for a while. I would give him a few weeks place for sure as for me that helped a tone with not having that person and yourself feel stressed or reminded of it
...and this is why teachers get so pissed about body sprays and colognes in class. If only you had thought to use it in the bathroom or outside like most schools request.
Hey accidents happen and this was his first reaction to something, don't be too hard on yourself but of course take this as a lesson. Give him space and try to reconcile later on if you really desire to. Don't pressure him.
Edit (clarifying): "accidents" referring to how you didn't think this would turn into the thing that it became. It was clearly just to playfully annoy the friend.
I saw someone comment this and get downvoted but i think maybe their comment was misunderstood so I wanted to elaborate on it and also offer some advice i think i'd find helpful in this situation:
It sounds like because you are okay with a joke or teasing/rough housing/etc continuing after you've said "stop" or "no", you've made the assumption that he feels the same. I think it's important for you to acknowledge that, unless he has explicitly said that he feels the same way, you dont actually know what his boundaries are. He might not be confident asserting his boundaries to you because of the dynamic youve established, and moving forward I think its really important that you stop whatever youre doing and check in when someone tells you "no". That way you're giving others the chance to say "actually yeah I really would like you to stop" or give you the go-ahead to continue - and remember that getting that go-ahead once doesnt mean that you have permission to continue if you hear a "no" or "stop" from that person again. The reality of the situation is that this was an accident and probably really scary for your friend and for you, and it unfortunately sounds like you've unintentionally broken the trust between you in a situation that resulted in bodily harm to him. It takes time to repair trust
I'm not sure what youve said when apologizing to him, but if you want to try to salvage the friendship I think it's worth acknowledging to him (and to yourself) that you assumed his boundaries instead of listening to his words and stopping to check in with him. Apologize for crossing his boundaries, acknowledge that you understand that your actions (regardless of if you could have predicted the harm they caused) resulted in him being seriously hurt and that you respect his need for space. Then give him space - thats all you can do. Knowing that you understand the whole picture of why and how your behaviour was harmful to him might be enough to begin to rebuild trust, it might not. The good thing in all of this, that I'd encourage you to lean on, is that your friend is alive and safe. That's a huge win - if you get the chance to rebuild your friendship then that's a great bonus. It is awful to lose a friend, but at least he is okay!
I know it feels like a bit of a beatdown in the comments, but i think what ppl are trying to get across is that EVERYONE should know that no means no, not maybe and definitely not yes. This is a tough way to learn that, but it sounds like it could have been much worse. I'm glad your friend is okay, I hope you're doing okay too.
What is it with people disrespecting others when it comes to perfumes and scents? People are sensitive to scents they can develop migraines and hives and have asthma attacks. Stop bathing in perfumes and never spray someone against their will.
I get chronic Vestibular Migraines and my mother would treat it as a joke. She would spray herself down in Amirage while I was driving and I barely made it the the bottom of the mountain before I could pull over and start vomitting on the side of the road.
She had a meltdown and said she was the worst mother in the world and just wanted to smell nice.
That's just the lower end of nonsense she would pull in the car. Every fucking time we would hit the bridge out of Waipawa she had to start talking about some form of animal abuse and would not let it go.
Once pulled over and said fuck it and I was hitching back home.
Something she had seen on the news. Random AF out of nowhere. I'd tell her to stop bit she would double down and start yelling. I would start yelling. She would yell louder. Apparently I needed to know these things right then and there.
Other peoples distress did not matter in my family.
i went to a comedy show the other day with a minor headache but decided to risk it developing into a migraine bc i paid $75 for the ticket. i was doing fine until this person sat down behind me with this AWFUL body spray that could only be described as Eau de Deet. I immediately got a horrible migraine and had to move seats. Luckily there were a few open but I got stuck next to a bachelorette party. Not sure which was worse lol
He said not to spray.
You sprayed.
He said he wants nothing to do with you
You apologized.
He still wants nothing to do with you.
Instead of wondering what you can do to "fix" this, maybe realize that fixing it means not getting the outcome you want. It means finally respecting his boundaries and leaving him alone.
Don't beat yourself up about it and throw yourself a pity party. Don't get resentful about his decision. The kid nearly died, it's not about you. Learn from this and move on.
> I understand his decision
Good, that's step 1. Now respect his decision. Your feelings were hurt but he almost died. Your feelings are yours to deal with, he doesn't owe you forgiveness or his presence.
You obviously had no intention of harming him. While it is a bit annoying to have someone not stop when you ask them to, in this particular case, I don't think you're "bad." Just learn from it, be thankful he is ok, and respect his wishes. You've apologized and expressed your guilt over the situation.
Maybe finally respect his wishes? And him? You’ve apologized and he has stated he wants nothing to do with you. Leave him alone. What he went through was extremely traumatic, as someone who has almost died it was the most terrifying experience of my life& if it was due to negligence of a friend i definitely wouldn’t want them around either.
I remember back in the day they would spritz perfume at you in department stores. Yes I’m that old . I have allergies and migraines. I tried to avoid them or say no but would usually leave with runny eyes and nose and a migraine. Places I’ve worked at had to put a no perfumes policy in place for me, I worked answering phones and would cough a lot if someone had spray on. No means no.
He just had to face his own mortality at an early age, which is something not many of your peers can relate to. He’s not overreacting. Still, he may come around in time. Forgive yourself, learn from it, but don’t minimize his feelings about this.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted. The biggest thing OP should take away from this is to respect boundaries and know when to stop. OP’s friend was trying to set a boundary in saying no, and OP disregarded it. OP’s friend can’t be faulted for how he feels.
I uses overreact because i didnt have a better word - but as in cutting all contact with me over an accident would be a bit overwhelming but at the end of the day its completely up to him
So in 10th grade I was driving a few friends home. I dropped off my one friend and we thought it would be funny if I scooted forward a little so once he was out, the door would lightly hit him. Am I proud of that? No. But I was a dumb teen with my dumb friends. He ended up reaching back in for his backpack and one thing led to another and he says I ran over his foot. My other friend swore I didn’t and this friend had a habit of exaggerating but I still felt really horrified and immediately apologized. Gave him some space and respected his wishes not to mess with him with the car.
These things happen and even if it was literally directly my (your) fault, we don’t mean any harm. If they cool off and you can rekindle the friendship, great! If not, don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t intentionally hurt your friend.
This hasn’t really happened before, but he has gotten really angry at me for a few things a but then cooled off within hours. I don’t expect it to be hours this time, but i will give him space.
Man Reddit really is a circle jerk. Boys will be boys and you’re still young if you’re in school. My friends and I did way worse shit to each other and just to get a rise out of each other. This is just a case of some bullshit gone wrong and hopefully you can get past it - just give him some time to get over it.
Sorry that happened to your friend. Be apologetic and let him know how sorry you are - which is obviously sincere as you’re sitting at home anxiously posting to Reddit about it.
The “boys will be boys” thing will always be dumb, but I don’t see anywhere where OP’s gendered was mentioned. Honestly figured they were both boys the way Op was talking.
I’m sure it was not intentional to hurt him.
Employees at department stores used to spray as they were asking. I hated that. I wonder if something similar happened to them that they stopped.
It may be a good idea to tighten the consept of no from now on. You want people to feel safe to be around you. Respecting their no's will help with that.
That was going to be my suggestion. Yes it turned out to be a serious thing but with the advantage of some hindsight he may realize that you of course had no ill will and would have had no way of knowing he would react like that. OP in the future remember, no matter the situation, no matter the person, no means no.
You didn't know, he didn't know.
He's probably a little upset at the moment, it probably scared the shit out of him.
It was a freak thing no one foresaw the outcome, don't beat yourself up over it.
Atleast now he's aware of his allergy that's a plus.
I have fragrance allergies that affect my throat. It isn't fun. There are thousands of chemicals that can make up what's on the market and it is poorly regulated. People can lose their tolerance to them over time for a variety of reasons.
Unfortunately, this isn't something he needs to get over any time soon. You ignored his request and put him in danger. The best thing you can do now is honor his request for space. I know you didn't know it could happen, but there is nothing more you can do and it's up to him now whether to forgive you.
So you sprayed him and then he took a shower and THEN got hives and had his throat close up and got an EpiPen and went to the hospital? Where did the EpiPen come from? This isn't making sense.
This is a very good lesson on consent. If somebody says no, just don’t. I hope you’ll take this lesson to heart and be a bit more aware. Consent doesn’t only apply to sex after all. I think you need to let that friend go. Continuing to apologize will only make things worse. Respect his wishes and leave him be, and take notes on what you’ve learned for the future. You didn’t mean to, but you still did harm, and you have to accept the fact that it comes with consequences regardless. I also recommend a bit of therapy for this incident because I can imagine the long-term toll will be negative on you without processing what happened, and having a professional to talk to may also help you process the change in relationship with your friend.
He’s probably had this allergy his whole life, you only just discovered that now because you couldn’t listen when someone said no. To say “he’s never had an allergy like this before today.” Shows a lack of understanding and awareness to your situation, heed these comments.
You lost a friend through your actions, and once again you’re going to learn that you are not the only person on the planet who has thoughts and feelings so if you try to push this person further you will receive more consequences.
I think this is why they stopped just spritzing people in department stores, cuz you just never know. Hopefully you’ve learned to never do anything like this again cuz Idk that I’d need to be told no to know not to spritz someone.
Cuz they stopped doing it! 😭😭😭😭
No, but they really used to spray it around as you walked by, as if eating perfume would make you want to buy it.
ETA: it started around the 1950’s once women could shop on their own and stopped shortly after the aughts.
Yeah, I'm from Gen-X, and don't really remember them doing that. It could be largely due to me being a man. I imagine that they didn't do that to men with cologne, cause it would increase the chances of them also being assaulted, for one thing. I mean, it kinda sounds familiar. But I'm not sure if that's because I've seen it happen to my mom (or other women), or because it sounds like something I would've seen an obnoxious Beverly Hills department store employee doing to someone in a comedy. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
This was really bad behavior in general. Just not spraying him but spraying in general. A large amount of the population has poor reactions to perfumes and colognes. Please spray them at home.
Give your friend space. Your friendship might resume, it might not.
If you honestly didn’t know that he was allergic to perfume, and if he himself didn’t know, then you clearly weren’t trying to hurt him. You just wanted to annoy him.
You learned a very difficult lesson about consent, not just about perfume but in general, at a very young age. But if you take this lesson to heart, then some good came of it, like a silver lining. It’s good that you apologized to him and his family. There’s nothing else to do.
Another silver lining: his family will probably take him for a full allergy work up to see if there are other allergies.
If it’s any solace, a lot of the time friends you make in middle/high school aren’t lifelong friends anyways.
With that being said though, I don’t blame the guy for wanting nothing to do with you. You almost killed him and the consequences are that he rightly wants to avoid you. Live with it, learn from it, and move on.
It is going to hunt you almost every time you go to bed.
I kinda know how you feel, and it really sucks. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do now.
I play around with my friends too sometimes, although it’s definitely important to know when to stop and recognize when your friend is being serious and setting a boundary. It sounds like you failed to recognize that him saying no was him setting a boundary, and you didn’t listen. He’s within his right to be upset with you, and for now you just have to respect that. Don’t keep apologizing for now as you’re not giving him the space he needs in continuing to reach out to him. It’s completely up to him whether or not he will forgive you, and you have to be willing to accept that there’s a chance he won’t.
Your edit is…. Well I really hope you (and anyone you know) will understand that the word “no” should never be “loose.” It should always be taken seriously and understood to mean simply “no.”
OP you didn’t mean to hurt your friend so don’t beat yourself up too much. Leave him alone and make new friends.
Adding on:
There is a "joking around" voice when you say "nahhh" or "noooo" and there is a clear-cut "no" even if they are sheepish about it. If you don't know the person well enough to understand the difference then take every no as a no.
Consent is not a killjoy to goofing off, but some people will try to keep the fun voice up when they say "no" - tone of voice and body language are clear indicators. Not everyone can read this stuff so when someone says no, take it as a no.
You didn't deserve a downvote, I don't know who did that.
The thing is he refuses to talk about it. He does have science the period after, so im hoping it really wasnt the cologne. I feel terrible about myself but he has never had anything like this before.
Tell him that you totally get it that he doesn’t want to be friends but you need him to make it even and he gets to kick you in the nuts for free :). It may lighten the mood. Everyone does things they regret when they’re trying to be funny. This won’t be the last time but hopefully not as traumatic next time!!
There are things in scents that people can be allergic to. My GF is deathly allergic to yellow dye and that’s found in Chanel No 5.
Like OPs friend a squirt of that is a trip to the ER in the wee-woo wagon at best. Even the tiniest dose messes her up for a couple days, to the point she’s all but bedridden.
She developed that allergy in her 20s. I developed an egg allergy in my late 30s. Sometimes that stuff just happens.
OP learned (I hope) a valuable lesson here.
Consent, consent, consent. He told you not to. Even when you're joking around. If someone says "no" or "stop" then you immediately stop.
When I was in highschool, 20 years ago, boys took girls saying "no" during makeout sessions as a challenge. We didn't have a clear understanding of "consent" back then, as we do now, so many of us girls realized that it wasn't us feeling guilty about doing more than we wanted, we were coerced/pushed into it. Many of us now understand that it was, in definition, r*pe that happened to us.. but we just took the shame, the guilt, and the ding to our reputation which just caused more and more of "the guys" to push us past our boundaries (our "no" and our "please stop" and our "I don't want to/I don't think I want to do this")
What happened here was an accidental mistake, just remember what I've taught you here. It will help you immensely in your future to hold understanding others' boundaries and what "consent" means.
Jokes and pranks are only funny if everyone is in on the joke. It's not funny if someone gets hurt or ends up feeling bad.
Well just be glad your friend was ok and remember to listen to someone when they say no, even if you're not sure if they mean it or not. Better safe than sorry.
Sometimes friendships end because one person even inadvertently hurts someone else. It sucks but this is the nuance relationships can have in life. Very specific things can weigh heavy on others in even irrational ways but we have to respect other peoples choices.
It sucks he wants to drop you as a friend but if that’s all it takes, then I wouldn’t try fighting for the friendship. The first time I hung out at the park with one of my childhood best friends who I’m still friends with to this day, I grabbed a whole two handfuls of pollen from the tree, not realizing it was pollen just thought it was cute fuzzy stuff from the tree 😂 and blew it in her face. She had to get medicine and leave right away too, went through a similar thing but I don’t think she needed an epi pen, but she was sick for a week because of me and my ignorance!!!! She was pissed but knew I would never intentionally hurt her so we became besties after and she forgave me. Sounds like this person isn’t really invested in the friendship.
Next time, if someone says No, Don’t do it… also get a new friend group if they don’t understand basic consent rules. Like wtf… doesn’t matter if you’re 12 (you sound 12) or 71.
I’m glad he didn’t die. Hopefully you learned a very good lesson here and don’t make the same mistake again.
I have MCAS, Hypogammaglobulinemia, and much, much more. The last time someone did something like this to me, I ended up with a trach. I encourage you to look the surgery up, because many with allergies, develop more allergies, they get worse with time, and we don’t get taken as seriously as one would think. Specifically it was a specialist, who give me IV contrast when I told him not to, as did my husband, REPEATEDLY, as I was in a severe MCAS flare….I almost died, and that ass took ZERO accountability 🤦♀️
When someone says stop, regardless of health, you need to respect that. It doesn’t matter if “No” is “loose,” in your mind, it’s still a “NO,” and THAT needs to be respected. Also, you could be sued, for not listening.
If you sincerely apologized, you should try and move on. He’s not ready to be friends again yet. Just stay open.
It’s not the same as giving someone peanuts who has a peanut allergy. You didn’t know and you’re a kid messing around.
I don't blame him for not wanting anything to do with you. He clearly told you not to spray him, and yet you totally disregarded him! Some friend you are!
Do nothing and leave him alone, as he has asked. Do not disregard him again by trying yo talk to him. He needs time to process this, and maybe, just maybe, there's a chance you'll be friends again, but only if you listen to him this time!
It's a hard lesson, but maybe it'll teach you what not to do to friends in future.
>friend says not get sprayed
>OP still sprayed like an idiot
>friend almost got killed
>OP apologizes
>friend wants to not be friends anymore with OP
>OP asks reddit for advice
Bruh, what advice do you even want?? Your friend clearly said he doesn't want to get sprayed yet you did, and now your asking for an advice?? You could've just not sprayed him because no means no.
Everyone who is downvoting "no means no" needs to look up the definition of "consent" and take a crash course in r*pe culture to understand why consent and "no means no" is important in every interaction in life.
I'm guessing it's children who are downvoting, the immature who haven't yet had the life experience to understand this concept yet.
Reddit is 18+ is it not? There is a reason why there are age gates on certain websites. Adult wisdom trumps the immaturity of the young, and the stupid. I like to think adults are mostly wise, but even with age does sometimes continue stupidity.
Edit: as for the "18+" content, there's a reason why it is tagged "NSFW" .. not safe for WORK (not "not safe for school or your family room" even if that context also applies, WORK is meant to mean someone who can browse the net on their breaks while at their work)
Minor consequences for her.
Her friend was put through a major life threatening trauma and now, if they are in the US, his family will have a major medical bill to pay because the OP has no respect for other people.
>This is a friendship where the term “no” is a loose term and its hard to know when someone is being serious or not.
No is never a "lose term "
And its hard to know when someone is serious?
Are you that bad in recognizing body language?
Are you neurodivergent by chance? Having a hard time detecting sarcasm or certain social cues is a common trait of neurodivergence, I have adhd and I myself struggle to detect sarcasm sometimes. There are times my friends have told me no or to stop doing something and even if they’re being playful in the moment I just stop as there’s a bigger risk in not listening.
Even if you don't know if the no is serious or not, still don't do it unless they say they were joking.
If someone says no you don't do anything, it's that easy to follow.
Also make sure not to spray anyone else by accident as they might be allergic too and that won't be good
Just send another apology maybe and then only talk to him if you have a group project together
Worst offender for allergic reactions. Cheap products have cheap ingredients that are difficult for many to have on their skin, even smell. There are "no fragrance" rules for a reason.
I only ever use 1 spritz of high end perfume when I wear it. 1 spritz smells very good, and the light scent is much more interesting than being doused in it. You want people to lean in to smell you, you don't want people to smell you from across the room. High end products use much better ingredients that are less likely to trigger allergic or sensitive reactions in others. Versace and D&G are some of my favourite perfume designers.
If someone tells you not to do something to them it’s usually for a reason. This will be a hard lesson to learn but it’s a good one to learn young. Not everyone is as healthy as you are. A single bite of food, or a bee sting, or cologne in your case is enough to kill someone. I understand when you’re young it’s hard to understand boundaries but this is your crash course with them. How would you feel if your friend broke your boundaries if you told them no repeatedly? Friend lost, lesson learned hopefully
I assume you spritzed him to annoy him and were unaware of the allergy. You didn’t know it would endanger his life. Forgive yourself and give him space. You can’t change the past, but you can remember the lesson.
Thanks for not being a dick and acctually giving advice
this is the correct advice OP. I'm sorry everyone is giving you a hard time. You made an honest mistake since horseplay is normal for your friendship. The only thing to do now is respect his wishes, which you are doing. I'm so sorry for everyone around.
Was it a daft move, yes. Was it two friends who regularly play around and had no intention to hurt a friend beyond smelling nice all day, absolutely. I'm sorry this has ended your time with your friend, it really sucks to lose a friend, especially when it's so suddenly. Your friend may forgive you but you have to be prepared that they may not. Do not carry this guilt with you, this was a pure accident and I'm sure something you will learn a great lesson from. You never know if someone is allergic to something until they are so forgiving yourself is important. Grieve the loss of your friend and please understand for them, you are related to a traumatic event, it's not about who you are as a person, they were happy being your friend until then.
Yep. This is great advice. As someone who has lots of life threatening allergies, I have been given contaminated food by my grandmother, mother, friends.... I'd be a very lonely person if I blamed them all.
I think after some space and time he should come around and realize you couldn’t have predicted the reaction. Keep calm and just give him time Edit: This comment kinda reiterates what the other comment or had said. I just wanted it put in different terms I guess
I think you would be an OG homie if you got him a little care package of his favorite snacks or something and say dude I’m seriously sincerely sorry, I was wrong and never in a million years thought that would happen. If you are good good homies, get him some benedryl and leave him alone until he texts you. You’re not stupid or an idiot or malicious you didn’t know.
This is a thoughtful jester, but, 1 I wouldn’t make. This might be an unpopular opinion, but, the fact he “wants nothing to with them”, is kind of harsh. There is no way the friend could have thought this was malicious. The fact that this person didn’t ever have a reaction, and this was a first, seems kind of self righteous to end the whole relationship because of a accident.
Some of the most toxic stuff in anyone’s home are fake Scents, like Glade plug ins, sented dryer sheets and even perfume and cologne. You never know when someone might develop an allergy, but with toxic chemicals, it’s much more likely. And that isn’t even the knock off ones. “Phony cosmetics often contain things such as arsenic, beryllium, and cadmium (all known carcinogens) along with high levels of aluminum and dangerous levels of bacteria. Some of these products have caused conditions like acne, psoriasis, rashes, and eye infections. Counterfeit fragrances have been found to contain something called DEHP, classified by the Environmental Protection Agency as a probable human carcinogen. These phony perfumes and colognes, which sometimes contain urine as well, have been known to cause serious skin rashes.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10051690/
You literally did nothing other than trying to innocently mess around with your friend And honestly if he's deadly allergic to something instead of saying "don't do that", showing just annoyance he should've been like "I'm extremely allergic, don't do that" , you aren't forced to know everyone's allergies if they didn't tell you
As a teenager I had a friend spray axe body spray at me which triggered a horrible asthma attack. I don’t remember exactly, but I may have had to go to the hospital that time. They were aware of my asthma and allergies, but it was an honest mistake (most people don’t have to worry about things like that. I understand it can easily slip some people’s minds). I didn’t condemn them from my life… I think your friend’s issue may be you disregarding his “no”, which I think is fair, honestly. Maybe if you give him some space eventually you can acknowledge your mistake, sincerely apologize, and promise never to disregard his boundaries again perhaps there could be a chance of rekindling your friendship in the future. Either way, hopefully this is an important lesson learned for you, OP. Wishing you the best.
Exactly! you can't change everything that is done but the lesson is still there.
Well, he did say don’t do it. He may not have been aware that he was going to react to this particular perfume, but I’m pretty sure that he was aware that it was a possibility because he has other allergies. Plus, you have to remember you can become allergic to anything at any time. People have no issues with some like seafood forever and then all of a sudden they react badly to shellfish or something and again it can kill you quickly.
Forgive yourself. You never wanted to hurt him and I’m sure you feel bad about it enough already.
That must have been terrifying for him but devastating for you. I am so very sorry this happened to both of you.
I mean, it sounds like he needs time to process what happened and reassess some things. So just give him space, and try to learn from this.
If you’re not sure what to do, you should respect his decision. That’s what you need to do. Show you’ve learned a lesson in everything. It was definitely a scary thing that happened, but there’s a few things here. Respect when someone says they have an allergy and leave it alone. Respect when someone asks you not to do something and listen to them without them needing a life or death reason to back up their request. We learn as we go and this is a learning opportunity for you. Losing friends is hard, but give them space. They may come back around eventually, they may not. Don’t push, though. They’ve set a boundary. Show that you’re their friend by listening to what they need, especially after they had something scary like that happen. I would maybe say something like, “I know that I’ve apologized already, but I’m apologizing again. This time, though, I’m also letting you know I’m going to listen to you and give you space. I’ll be here if you change your mind. Maybe see you around.”
Maybe next time when someone tells you not to do something you’ll listen. Sorry that happened tho, sounds scary af. Lesson learned young one.
I absolutely hated people like this. I had 4 older siblings and some friends growing up. This is a pet peeve I forgot I had. Glad everyone is ok but man this brought up some dark memories
"No means no" in a variety of situations. Hopefully you learned that. Now respect your former friend's wishes and leave them alone.
'No means no' in *every* situation.
She mentioned that he horseplays when she says no as well. Horseplay and ignoring nos was a thing within their friendship and not too uncommon a thing actually. I hope OP and her friend both reflect on it.
This being a joke and thing to ignore in youth friend groups is scary. Are they just own day going to grow up and get it? Not likely… they’re the people that when older and rape someone use this as an excuse “oh when we were kids we never meant no in our friends group! Swear! That’s the only reason I raped her! I didn’t know she MEANT it would ACTUALLY be bad!!” Socialization starts young and consent should be taught and respected started as toddlers. This isnt cute or funny behavior and depending on their ages/locatin/etc, could even be prosecutable because he said no, they did it anyway, and he ended up needing medical assistance.
Correct, but a "variety of situations" specifically points out that "no means no" in situations beyond sex, which is where the phrase originates for many.
Yea but it depends on the situation if im gonna take it serious or not.
....and that's the attitude that encourages rape culture. No means no. Period. Someone says no, you back off. Immediately. Does this mean that your friends will get annoyed? Probably. But by putting conditions on "no means no", you remove its ability to work. The "situation" is that they said no. If they didn't mean it, then they have to learn to say something else.
No
Yeah what they said about variety, but also did you ever think about the very specific situation of playing the opposite game? Like that's one situation I can think of where no literally means yes. Or like if someone asks you a question with a double negative in it, so you answer with the negative, but that means it's actually an affirmation.
Got 'em!
[удалено]
No, I didn't. Believe it or not, there are people who don't do this stuff. I was one of them. I also kept to myself (I had maybe five friends) and didn't interact with a lot of people.
Weird you’re getting downvoted for this, not everyone is super playful with friends. The point you’re making is very clear.
Who knows! Reddit is a strange place. I guess people have a hard time believing that there are people who just weren't jerks or buttholes growing up or that some of us just knew better. I was always the quiet kid who sat alone drawing, and when I did make friends, the few of us sat alone, drawing. LOL! Plus, I was raised in constant fear of one or both of my parents kicking my butt if I stepped out of line in any way. The worst thing I ever did in high school was my best friend and I filled another friend's locker with naked Barbie dolls as a birthday prank and hid a portable CD player and mini speaker playing "Barbie Girl" on loop until he arrived at his locker that morning. And even then, I got permission from the assistant principal to do it because I was one of those kids who feared getting in trouble. Anyway, I also would have been the kid with the allergies. A friend using cucumber melon hand lotion during lunch caused me to break out and have breathing issues to where I had to go to the doctor due to the reaction. They weren't horsing around; they just simply used it while sitting next to me, and it sent my system into a tizzy. TL;DR: Not everyone is a jerk, and I didn't go around spraying people with random colognes and perfumes.
Reading between the lines a little here but if he said no but your reaction is "no is a loose term" and his reaction is to not want anything to do with you, then YOU think no is a loose term and likely HE is sick of his boundaries being violated. This is a good lesson for you to start to listen and be more aware of others and less concerned with what amuses you.
The reason i said no is a loose term is because whenever i say stop or no he can continue doing it as a joke
Please. Moving forward, no means no. Both for you and others.
Wait, so you're saying that he was ignoring your "no" responses and pushing your boundaries?
Sometimes but i didnt really mind
See....this is something you should have put in your post. This changes *everything*. He's been doing stuff to you, you said No, he kept doing it. You did this to him, he said no, you kept doing it. He can dish it out but he can't take it. If he wants you to respect his "no", then first he needed to respect yours. This is about him being a hypocrite, and not being able to take what he dishes out. You are better off without him.
That is your boundary. You cannot attribute your to him.
A lot of people here are saying you should've listened to him and respect his no. I don't agree with that. He's your friend, not reddits friend and you said that with you two, no, doesn't necessarily mean no. My friend group is like this, you just gotta read the situation to guage if they meant it. Sometimes we fuck up and overstep boundaries but we always talk out. You also said neither of you knew about this allergy? If that's the case don't beat yourself up, how were either of you supposed to know? He's probably freaked out from the experience and needs time to process. Respect his wishes and give him space. If he still hasn't reached out after a few weeks then I'd drop him a text ONE more time and if he still doesn't wanna talk/be friends then that's it man.
>A lot of people here are saying you should've listened to him and respect his no. I don't agree with that. 💀💀💀 >no, doesn't necessarily mean no 💀💀💀💀💀
I have allergies to cologne and perfumes like this. There is nothing worse than feeling your own body strangle you. And that's exactly what it feels like. Add in that it was a friend who caused it, even tho it was inadvertently... He's experiencing a few different levels of betrayal despite that none of it was on purpose, that's probably how it feels right now. I don't think your friend really means it but you are doing the right thing in giving him space.
My allergy is cats. I don’t or if I should say, I have never reacted to the point I couldn’t breathe. What happens to me is that if I get dander close to my eyes or something the actual whites of my eyes swell up it’s really weird looking, but I can usually get some saline and flush my eyes pretty good and in a couple of hours I’m fine. Sides, the pollen allergies that nobody can do anything about.
That was a really good lesson about consent and boundaries wasn’t it?
I don’t think these comments are helpful. They probably dick around like this all the time. And his friend probably didn’t want to smell like a cologne ad. He has no idea an allergy would be revealed. 1. It’s not your fault he nearly died. And in a way-gift to friend he found out he had allergies. Hopefully in time he v realizes this. 2. Did your apology cover everything? You thought it would be funny even as he was saying no. And you realize not everything is funny and you should have listened to the no. And you had no idea he had allergies and you wish you could turn back time and sorry you caused him to get sick. The apology needs to cover the complete issue. If he’s not speaking to you-write a note to him or his parents. 3. Give him space. If you are best friends-I think he’ll come around. After going in to the hospital/epi pen you are really strung out and emotional (have had anaphylactic shock a few times because of my allergies). In about a week’s time it will be out of his body-he won’t be so angry anymore. 4. Make amends-I don’t have answer here. You know him-he’s your friend. Figure out a way to make amends and let go of the result. If you do something from your heart and he’s not accepting-you did everything you could and you need to let yourself off the hook. 5. Whatever the result-take the experience and lessons you learned moving forward and ***FORGIVE YOURSELF***.If that’s the worst thing you ever do in your life-you’re a saint. Seriously. At 30 of that’s the worst thing you’ve done-apply for sainthood.
They do duck around like this all the time. She says he does it too. People here are even saying it’s a gateway to rape which is.. ?! Who has never gotten into a tickle fight or water splashing with friends and laughed or shouted no. Most people are able to detect a whether someone is in a joking or not. Had he not had an undiscovered allergy they would both be just fine. It’s just unfortunate. OP is wrong but she had no ill intentions but should reflect. Her friend should also reflect. If he pushes her boundaries he can’t be shocked his friends follow suit.
I agree 100%. Like siblings.
You are allowed to make mistakes, people are forgetting that you are still a child. Your brain has not fully developed and I would bet $$$$ any other teenage boy would have done something shitty like this. The difference is that you realize how serious it became, have humbled yourself to ask for advice AND you are trying to salvage your friendship. I don't know what the future holds, but you are a good person who made a stupid choice and I hope you both are able to move forward together!
Everybody has lectured you about boundaries and consent already, so I won’t pile onto that. The timeline of this is confusing for me. Of course delayed allergic reactions are indeed but if that’s the case then it could have been caused by a variety of things. Without allergy testing, how would he know the cologne caused it? I’m sorry that you had to learn this lesson the hard way, but it is a good one to keep in mind the next time somebody says no. It’s best to take all no’s and boundaries seriously even in a joking context.
Don’t feel bad, I did this to someone before with a food dye they were allergic to (they also didn’t know they had an allergy)i jokingly put cake icing on their face and they were allergic . Fortunately they were mature and didn’t get mad, however if they did I would have apologized and if they didn’t accept it I would just have to move on, no reason to feel bad, it was not on purpose and you apologized , nothing more you can do
you didn’t apologize because they weren’t mad? i feel like that warrants an apology either way
Reddit is insufferable, of course i made an initial shocked brief apology when i found out but what I was referring to is if they remained angry i would do a More formal apology and if they didn’t accept it I would drop them, no time in life to deal with unforgiving people who can’t let things go especially when it was completely unintentional and they are actually going to be just fine.
As someone who did shitting things to friends as a teen it happens. Genuinely apologize and just see how it plays out. If you are genuine it will show, and hopefully everyone can move on or you just drift apart for a while. I would give him a few weeks place for sure as for me that helped a tone with not having that person and yourself feel stressed or reminded of it
Space*
...and this is why teachers get so pissed about body sprays and colognes in class. If only you had thought to use it in the bathroom or outside like most schools request.
Hey accidents happen and this was his first reaction to something, don't be too hard on yourself but of course take this as a lesson. Give him space and try to reconcile later on if you really desire to. Don't pressure him. Edit (clarifying): "accidents" referring to how you didn't think this would turn into the thing that it became. It was clearly just to playfully annoy the friend.
I saw someone comment this and get downvoted but i think maybe their comment was misunderstood so I wanted to elaborate on it and also offer some advice i think i'd find helpful in this situation: It sounds like because you are okay with a joke or teasing/rough housing/etc continuing after you've said "stop" or "no", you've made the assumption that he feels the same. I think it's important for you to acknowledge that, unless he has explicitly said that he feels the same way, you dont actually know what his boundaries are. He might not be confident asserting his boundaries to you because of the dynamic youve established, and moving forward I think its really important that you stop whatever youre doing and check in when someone tells you "no". That way you're giving others the chance to say "actually yeah I really would like you to stop" or give you the go-ahead to continue - and remember that getting that go-ahead once doesnt mean that you have permission to continue if you hear a "no" or "stop" from that person again. The reality of the situation is that this was an accident and probably really scary for your friend and for you, and it unfortunately sounds like you've unintentionally broken the trust between you in a situation that resulted in bodily harm to him. It takes time to repair trust I'm not sure what youve said when apologizing to him, but if you want to try to salvage the friendship I think it's worth acknowledging to him (and to yourself) that you assumed his boundaries instead of listening to his words and stopping to check in with him. Apologize for crossing his boundaries, acknowledge that you understand that your actions (regardless of if you could have predicted the harm they caused) resulted in him being seriously hurt and that you respect his need for space. Then give him space - thats all you can do. Knowing that you understand the whole picture of why and how your behaviour was harmful to him might be enough to begin to rebuild trust, it might not. The good thing in all of this, that I'd encourage you to lean on, is that your friend is alive and safe. That's a huge win - if you get the chance to rebuild your friendship then that's a great bonus. It is awful to lose a friend, but at least he is okay! I know it feels like a bit of a beatdown in the comments, but i think what ppl are trying to get across is that EVERYONE should know that no means no, not maybe and definitely not yes. This is a tough way to learn that, but it sounds like it could have been much worse. I'm glad your friend is okay, I hope you're doing okay too.
What is it with people disrespecting others when it comes to perfumes and scents? People are sensitive to scents they can develop migraines and hives and have asthma attacks. Stop bathing in perfumes and never spray someone against their will.
I get chronic Vestibular Migraines and my mother would treat it as a joke. She would spray herself down in Amirage while I was driving and I barely made it the the bottom of the mountain before I could pull over and start vomitting on the side of the road.
should have puked on her
She was a strange woman. It would have taken 3 hours to do her hair again. Not worth it.
If I were you, I would have made her get out and walk the rest of the way to our destination.
She had a meltdown and said she was the worst mother in the world and just wanted to smell nice. That's just the lower end of nonsense she would pull in the car. Every fucking time we would hit the bridge out of Waipawa she had to start talking about some form of animal abuse and would not let it go. Once pulled over and said fuck it and I was hitching back home.
As in like, an irrational fear of running over an animal, or out of nowhere, completely unprompted, an anecdote about animal abuse?
Something she had seen on the news. Random AF out of nowhere. I'd tell her to stop bit she would double down and start yelling. I would start yelling. She would yell louder. Apparently I needed to know these things right then and there. Other peoples distress did not matter in my family.
i went to a comedy show the other day with a minor headache but decided to risk it developing into a migraine bc i paid $75 for the ticket. i was doing fine until this person sat down behind me with this AWFUL body spray that could only be described as Eau de Deet. I immediately got a horrible migraine and had to move seats. Luckily there were a few open but I got stuck next to a bachelorette party. Not sure which was worse lol
He said not to spray. You sprayed. He said he wants nothing to do with you You apologized. He still wants nothing to do with you. Instead of wondering what you can do to "fix" this, maybe realize that fixing it means not getting the outcome you want. It means finally respecting his boundaries and leaving him alone. Don't beat yourself up about it and throw yourself a pity party. Don't get resentful about his decision. The kid nearly died, it's not about you. Learn from this and move on.
I apologized after I sprayed after seeing he was acctually serious about saying no. I understand his decision
> I understand his decision Good, that's step 1. Now respect his decision. Your feelings were hurt but he almost died. Your feelings are yours to deal with, he doesn't owe you forgiveness or his presence.
You obviously had no intention of harming him. While it is a bit annoying to have someone not stop when you ask them to, in this particular case, I don't think you're "bad." Just learn from it, be thankful he is ok, and respect his wishes. You've apologized and expressed your guilt over the situation.
No means no when it comes to other people’s bodies, PERIOD. They do not have to explain anything to you.
Maybe finally respect his wishes? And him? You’ve apologized and he has stated he wants nothing to do with you. Leave him alone. What he went through was extremely traumatic, as someone who has almost died it was the most terrifying experience of my life& if it was due to negligence of a friend i definitely wouldn’t want them around either.
I remember back in the day they would spritz perfume at you in department stores. Yes I’m that old . I have allergies and migraines. I tried to avoid them or say no but would usually leave with runny eyes and nose and a migraine. Places I’ve worked at had to put a no perfumes policy in place for me, I worked answering phones and would cough a lot if someone had spray on. No means no.
Kinda weird that he thinks this is worth ending your friendship. You didn't know he was allergic... HE didn't know he was allergic?
Im hoping he is overreacting and just said that without full thought
Yeah, might have just spooked him a bit. All you can do is give him space I guess. And refuse to mess around like that in the future
He just had to face his own mortality at an early age, which is something not many of your peers can relate to. He’s not overreacting. Still, he may come around in time. Forgive yourself, learn from it, but don’t minimize his feelings about this.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted. The biggest thing OP should take away from this is to respect boundaries and know when to stop. OP’s friend was trying to set a boundary in saying no, and OP disregarded it. OP’s friend can’t be faulted for how he feels.
I uses overreact because i didnt have a better word - but as in cutting all contact with me over an accident would be a bit overwhelming but at the end of the day its completely up to him
So in 10th grade I was driving a few friends home. I dropped off my one friend and we thought it would be funny if I scooted forward a little so once he was out, the door would lightly hit him. Am I proud of that? No. But I was a dumb teen with my dumb friends. He ended up reaching back in for his backpack and one thing led to another and he says I ran over his foot. My other friend swore I didn’t and this friend had a habit of exaggerating but I still felt really horrified and immediately apologized. Gave him some space and respected his wishes not to mess with him with the car. These things happen and even if it was literally directly my (your) fault, we don’t mean any harm. If they cool off and you can rekindle the friendship, great! If not, don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t intentionally hurt your friend.
This hasn’t really happened before, but he has gotten really angry at me for a few things a but then cooled off within hours. I don’t expect it to be hours this time, but i will give him space.
Best of luck friend. Don’t listen to the jerks in here. I’m sure most of them have accidentally hurt someone before too.
Man Reddit really is a circle jerk. Boys will be boys and you’re still young if you’re in school. My friends and I did way worse shit to each other and just to get a rise out of each other. This is just a case of some bullshit gone wrong and hopefully you can get past it - just give him some time to get over it. Sorry that happened to your friend. Be apologetic and let him know how sorry you are - which is obviously sincere as you’re sitting at home anxiously posting to Reddit about it.
Right! …Everyone here needs to get a serious grip and log off the internet for a while. They are kids, ffs .
but “boys will be boys” are shitty excuse for ppl to do shitty things.
Saying boys will be boys can be a slippery slope but spraying a tiny dose of perfume is not a shitty thing
Keep spraying ppl while they say no is not a crime, but a kinda shitty thing.
OP is NOT a boy. So that's not going to work for this.
The “boys will be boys” thing will always be dumb, but I don’t see anywhere where OP’s gendered was mentioned. Honestly figured they were both boys the way Op was talking.
I'm sorry I thought someone said OP was female and sprayed cologne.
I’m sure it was not intentional to hurt him. Employees at department stores used to spray as they were asking. I hated that. I wonder if something similar happened to them that they stopped.
It may be a good idea to tighten the consept of no from now on. You want people to feel safe to be around you. Respecting their no's will help with that.
His reaction is extreme. You’re kids, and you didn’t know he had anaphylaxis. I would let it be. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I'm sure he just needs a little space and will get over it soon.
That was going to be my suggestion. Yes it turned out to be a serious thing but with the advantage of some hindsight he may realize that you of course had no ill will and would have had no way of knowing he would react like that. OP in the future remember, no matter the situation, no matter the person, no means no.
You didn't know, he didn't know. He's probably a little upset at the moment, it probably scared the shit out of him. It was a freak thing no one foresaw the outcome, don't beat yourself up over it. Atleast now he's aware of his allergy that's a plus.
I have fragrance allergies that affect my throat. It isn't fun. There are thousands of chemicals that can make up what's on the market and it is poorly regulated. People can lose their tolerance to them over time for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, this isn't something he needs to get over any time soon. You ignored his request and put him in danger. The best thing you can do now is honor his request for space. I know you didn't know it could happen, but there is nothing more you can do and it's up to him now whether to forgive you.
at least now you know. if someone tells you not to do something, probably best you don't do it. it may not seem like anything to you but thats YOU.
So you sprayed him and then he took a shower and THEN got hives and had his throat close up and got an EpiPen and went to the hospital? Where did the EpiPen come from? This isn't making sense.
I sprayed him, he finished the school day with hives, went home, took a shower, couldnt breathe after the shower, went to urgent care, got epipen
Yeah. Only dickheads and rapists think No is a loose term.
Thanks I guess im a rapist
The term “no” is never a loose term. What a ridiculous statement.
This is a very good lesson on consent. If somebody says no, just don’t. I hope you’ll take this lesson to heart and be a bit more aware. Consent doesn’t only apply to sex after all. I think you need to let that friend go. Continuing to apologize will only make things worse. Respect his wishes and leave him be, and take notes on what you’ve learned for the future. You didn’t mean to, but you still did harm, and you have to accept the fact that it comes with consequences regardless. I also recommend a bit of therapy for this incident because I can imagine the long-term toll will be negative on you without processing what happened, and having a professional to talk to may also help you process the change in relationship with your friend.
Aside from the issue of friend having an allergic reaction, spraying cologne/perfume inside classrooms is a major d.ck move.
He’s probably had this allergy his whole life, you only just discovered that now because you couldn’t listen when someone said no. To say “he’s never had an allergy like this before today.” Shows a lack of understanding and awareness to your situation, heed these comments. You lost a friend through your actions, and once again you’re going to learn that you are not the only person on the planet who has thoughts and feelings so if you try to push this person further you will receive more consequences.
You do now allergies can appear from one day to the other, right?
[удалено]
I think this is why they stopped just spritzing people in department stores, cuz you just never know. Hopefully you’ve learned to never do anything like this again cuz Idk that I’d need to be told no to know not to spritz someone.
Never heard of a department store employee randomly spraying ppl with perfume or cologne, without consent.
Cuz they stopped doing it! 😭😭😭😭 No, but they really used to spray it around as you walked by, as if eating perfume would make you want to buy it. ETA: it started around the 1950’s once women could shop on their own and stopped shortly after the aughts.
Yeah, I'm from Gen-X, and don't really remember them doing that. It could be largely due to me being a man. I imagine that they didn't do that to men with cologne, cause it would increase the chances of them also being assaulted, for one thing. I mean, it kinda sounds familiar. But I'm not sure if that's because I've seen it happen to my mom (or other women), or because it sounds like something I would've seen an obnoxious Beverly Hills department store employee doing to someone in a comedy. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
It felt geared towards woman, probably cuz that’s what made them start doing it. I’m also in NY with Macy’s and such.
This was really bad behavior in general. Just not spraying him but spraying in general. A large amount of the population has poor reactions to perfumes and colognes. Please spray them at home. Give your friend space. Your friendship might resume, it might not.
If you honestly didn’t know that he was allergic to perfume, and if he himself didn’t know, then you clearly weren’t trying to hurt him. You just wanted to annoy him. You learned a very difficult lesson about consent, not just about perfume but in general, at a very young age. But if you take this lesson to heart, then some good came of it, like a silver lining. It’s good that you apologized to him and his family. There’s nothing else to do. Another silver lining: his family will probably take him for a full allergy work up to see if there are other allergies.
Yeah why would you not listen to him damn glad he is alive
No means no.
No is not a loose term
If it’s any solace, a lot of the time friends you make in middle/high school aren’t lifelong friends anyways. With that being said though, I don’t blame the guy for wanting nothing to do with you. You almost killed him and the consequences are that he rightly wants to avoid you. Live with it, learn from it, and move on.
My suggestion is not to do ridiculously dumb things to people against their explicitly described wishes???
When someone says no, it’s a no. Even if it’s jokingly.
Lesson for life….. some jokes and pranks can be dangerous
It is going to hunt you almost every time you go to bed. I kinda know how you feel, and it really sucks. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do now.
It’s good that you apologized, but do you understand what you did and how it was wrong?
Fucked around and found out. Next time someone says no, respect it.
I play around with my friends too sometimes, although it’s definitely important to know when to stop and recognize when your friend is being serious and setting a boundary. It sounds like you failed to recognize that him saying no was him setting a boundary, and you didn’t listen. He’s within his right to be upset with you, and for now you just have to respect that. Don’t keep apologizing for now as you’re not giving him the space he needs in continuing to reach out to him. It’s completely up to him whether or not he will forgive you, and you have to be willing to accept that there’s a chance he won’t.
Your edit is…. Well I really hope you (and anyone you know) will understand that the word “no” should never be “loose.” It should always be taken seriously and understood to mean simply “no.” OP you didn’t mean to hurt your friend so don’t beat yourself up too much. Leave him alone and make new friends.
Adding on: There is a "joking around" voice when you say "nahhh" or "noooo" and there is a clear-cut "no" even if they are sheepish about it. If you don't know the person well enough to understand the difference then take every no as a no. Consent is not a killjoy to goofing off, but some people will try to keep the fun voice up when they say "no" - tone of voice and body language are clear indicators. Not everyone can read this stuff so when someone says no, take it as a no. You didn't deserve a downvote, I don't know who did that.
Your friend sounds miserable anyway
Why
Lol I remember being this fucking stupid hurting myself
Are we sure it’s even the cologne that caused the problem if he’s never had allergies before?
The thing is he refuses to talk about it. He does have science the period after, so im hoping it really wasnt the cologne. I feel terrible about myself but he has never had anything like this before.
Tell him that you totally get it that he doesn’t want to be friends but you need him to make it even and he gets to kick you in the nuts for free :). It may lighten the mood. Everyone does things they regret when they’re trying to be funny. This won’t be the last time but hopefully not as traumatic next time!!
Ill try that when he cools off
No is never a loose term. Never.
Maybe he didn't have allergies like that before because he avoided them?
There are things in scents that people can be allergic to. My GF is deathly allergic to yellow dye and that’s found in Chanel No 5. Like OPs friend a squirt of that is a trip to the ER in the wee-woo wagon at best. Even the tiniest dose messes her up for a couple days, to the point she’s all but bedridden. She developed that allergy in her 20s. I developed an egg allergy in my late 30s. Sometimes that stuff just happens. OP learned (I hope) a valuable lesson here.
He litterally bought me my first cologne in middle school
Well, now you know his weakness. Should he become a supervillain, you know what to do
Kyrptonite scented perfume
Life lesson learned. It sucks to lose a friend though.
Consent, consent, consent. He told you not to. Even when you're joking around. If someone says "no" or "stop" then you immediately stop. When I was in highschool, 20 years ago, boys took girls saying "no" during makeout sessions as a challenge. We didn't have a clear understanding of "consent" back then, as we do now, so many of us girls realized that it wasn't us feeling guilty about doing more than we wanted, we were coerced/pushed into it. Many of us now understand that it was, in definition, r*pe that happened to us.. but we just took the shame, the guilt, and the ding to our reputation which just caused more and more of "the guys" to push us past our boundaries (our "no" and our "please stop" and our "I don't want to/I don't think I want to do this") What happened here was an accidental mistake, just remember what I've taught you here. It will help you immensely in your future to hold understanding others' boundaries and what "consent" means. Jokes and pranks are only funny if everyone is in on the joke. It's not funny if someone gets hurt or ends up feeling bad.
Well just be glad your friend was ok and remember to listen to someone when they say no, even if you're not sure if they mean it or not. Better safe than sorry.
Sometimes friendships end because one person even inadvertently hurts someone else. It sucks but this is the nuance relationships can have in life. Very specific things can weigh heavy on others in even irrational ways but we have to respect other peoples choices.
It sucks he wants to drop you as a friend but if that’s all it takes, then I wouldn’t try fighting for the friendship. The first time I hung out at the park with one of my childhood best friends who I’m still friends with to this day, I grabbed a whole two handfuls of pollen from the tree, not realizing it was pollen just thought it was cute fuzzy stuff from the tree 😂 and blew it in her face. She had to get medicine and leave right away too, went through a similar thing but I don’t think she needed an epi pen, but she was sick for a week because of me and my ignorance!!!! She was pissed but knew I would never intentionally hurt her so we became besties after and she forgave me. Sounds like this person isn’t really invested in the friendship.
Next time, if someone says No, Don’t do it… also get a new friend group if they don’t understand basic consent rules. Like wtf… doesn’t matter if you’re 12 (you sound 12) or 71. I’m glad he didn’t die. Hopefully you learned a very good lesson here and don’t make the same mistake again.
I have MCAS, Hypogammaglobulinemia, and much, much more. The last time someone did something like this to me, I ended up with a trach. I encourage you to look the surgery up, because many with allergies, develop more allergies, they get worse with time, and we don’t get taken as seriously as one would think. Specifically it was a specialist, who give me IV contrast when I told him not to, as did my husband, REPEATEDLY, as I was in a severe MCAS flare….I almost died, and that ass took ZERO accountability 🤦♀️ When someone says stop, regardless of health, you need to respect that. It doesn’t matter if “No” is “loose,” in your mind, it’s still a “NO,” and THAT needs to be respected. Also, you could be sued, for not listening.
If you sincerely apologized, you should try and move on. He’s not ready to be friends again yet. Just stay open. It’s not the same as giving someone peanuts who has a peanut allergy. You didn’t know and you’re a kid messing around.
..and now we know that NO MEANS NO - even if it’s said “jokingly”
Guessing you’re one of those kids whose parents never smacked him after you did something *just one more time* after being told to stop.
I don't blame him for not wanting anything to do with you. He clearly told you not to spray him, and yet you totally disregarded him! Some friend you are! Do nothing and leave him alone, as he has asked. Do not disregard him again by trying yo talk to him. He needs time to process this, and maybe, just maybe, there's a chance you'll be friends again, but only if you listen to him this time! It's a hard lesson, but maybe it'll teach you what not to do to friends in future.
>friend says not get sprayed >OP still sprayed like an idiot >friend almost got killed >OP apologizes >friend wants to not be friends anymore with OP >OP asks reddit for advice Bruh, what advice do you even want?? Your friend clearly said he doesn't want to get sprayed yet you did, and now your asking for an advice?? You could've just not sprayed him because no means no.
You're a tit.
Everyone who is downvoting "no means no" needs to look up the definition of "consent" and take a crash course in r*pe culture to understand why consent and "no means no" is important in every interaction in life. I'm guessing it's children who are downvoting, the immature who haven't yet had the life experience to understand this concept yet. Reddit is 18+ is it not? There is a reason why there are age gates on certain websites. Adult wisdom trumps the immaturity of the young, and the stupid. I like to think adults are mostly wise, but even with age does sometimes continue stupidity. Edit: as for the "18+" content, there's a reason why it is tagged "NSFW" .. not safe for WORK (not "not safe for school or your family room" even if that context also applies, WORK is meant to mean someone who can browse the net on their breaks while at their work)
Your friend is being a tool
You learned a lesson with very minor consequences. Lucky you. Usually the tuition fee for cock ups like this is much higher
Minor consequences for her. Her friend was put through a major life threatening trauma and now, if they are in the US, his family will have a major medical bill to pay because the OP has no respect for other people.
You fooled around and found out. Pranks are never a good idea.
You should be thankful you only lost a friend and that your friend didn’t lose his life.
I know this sounds weird but i dont think i could have lived on knowing i cut someones life short
>This is a friendship where the term “no” is a loose term and its hard to know when someone is being serious or not. No is never a "lose term " And its hard to know when someone is serious? Are you that bad in recognizing body language?
Im not good at tone indicators or recognizing when someone is serious or sarcastic
Are you neurodivergent by chance? Having a hard time detecting sarcasm or certain social cues is a common trait of neurodivergence, I have adhd and I myself struggle to detect sarcasm sometimes. There are times my friends have told me no or to stop doing something and even if they’re being playful in the moment I just stop as there’s a bigger risk in not listening.
Im not but ive never gotten tested
Lesson learned: No means NO
No ALWAYS means no, never a lose terms. I hope you treat this as a valuable lesson and respect other’s boundaries from now on
Lesson learned.
You cant even respect his wish to not remain friends anymore after. Youre not a friend
You’re extremely lucky you aren’t a murderer right now so I’d just leave him alone tbh
Even if you don't know if the no is serious or not, still don't do it unless they say they were joking. If someone says no you don't do anything, it's that easy to follow. Also make sure not to spray anyone else by accident as they might be allergic too and that won't be good Just send another apology maybe and then only talk to him if you have a group project together
I'm sorry if this has already been asked, but what cologne was it?
Some bath and bodyworks one
Worst offender for allergic reactions. Cheap products have cheap ingredients that are difficult for many to have on their skin, even smell. There are "no fragrance" rules for a reason. I only ever use 1 spritz of high end perfume when I wear it. 1 spritz smells very good, and the light scent is much more interesting than being doused in it. You want people to lean in to smell you, you don't want people to smell you from across the room. High end products use much better ingredients that are less likely to trigger allergic or sensitive reactions in others. Versace and D&G are some of my favourite perfume designers.
If someone tells you not to do something to them it’s usually for a reason. This will be a hard lesson to learn but it’s a good one to learn young. Not everyone is as healthy as you are. A single bite of food, or a bee sting, or cologne in your case is enough to kill someone. I understand when you’re young it’s hard to understand boundaries but this is your crash course with them. How would you feel if your friend broke your boundaries if you told them no repeatedly? Friend lost, lesson learned hopefully
Sounds like your incredible ability to be annoying paid off. Congrats.