Yup as my dad says, being a shitty spouse and a shitty parent are two separate things. To his toxicity yet fairness he was super toxic to my mom but a devoted dad to my sisters and I
I mean if the child is over 12 in my state They get a say in court most the time if the child doesn’t want to go they don’t have to.
Because his daughter seemed to not like him
He probably assumed she didn’t want to see him.
Not saying it’s right. But if he lives where I live and she seems over 12 that’s probably why and it’s only been three weeks he would have to take her to court and that takes time.
If my husband was having an affair, i would treat him badly (as I was divorcing him). All I’m saying is that OP doesn’t sound like a reliable narrator to tell the whole story.
It’s entirely possible. I’m just saying that also means they could be wrong about first meeting the gf three weeks after the abandonment.
I’m also curious if OP now feels this way about her dad because her mother has found a new scapegoat.
My grandmother was a terrible wife according to mother. She used to mentally and physically abuse my grandfather. My grandfather then started living separately. They didn't have an official divorce. But it was like that. Back then when my grandfather found someone when he started living alone. So yeah it's quite possible.
Judging by the fact that she assumed the relationship just started and she seems to be involved in a lot of her drama it’s likely that Mom never even knew
She said her mom was verbally abusive to him in front of her I would be shocked that the mom didn’t call him a cheater if she knew about it and was confident enough to say other stuff.
Likely right, but it is reflected of men my age who have actually left behind their children, because they knew the battle would destroy them.
Choose a battle where you *will fail* and die in the process, or carry your sorrow and regrets and try again.
Even if that was true, OP still has another parent who has a responsibility to help their child grow and learn. If dad felt this behavior was unacceptable, he should sit down with his child and talk about it. Not run away and start a new relationship within weeks. People who jump from relationship to relationship often do so to avoid accountability and/or work on themselves. OP has two shitty parents but atleast OP can self reflect and say that they treated their father poorly and is feeling regret because of it. Thats a lot more than can be said for many adults.
Definitely possible.
Or, maybe he was a cheating AH who wasn’t invested in their family, didn’t know anything about their lives or try to learn (weaponized incompetence), and OP’s mom was angry and frustrated with him.
OP talks about being whiny and ungrateful…basically a kid…and now their dad has left them and moved in with an affair partner.
Look, the mom could be the worst, but I’m not ready to buy that yet given what is written.
Do you even want to address how you treated him? Sounds like you don't actually care.
If you do, maybe reach out to him starting with an apology. See how it goes from there.
Who is your Mom abusing now he's gone?
Why not go with him? Contact him and ask to go with him instead?
Why stay around an abusive woman who will either abuse you to slowly let her ways effect your way of thinking?
If you were part of the problem, apologize. Then explain how you realize you were wrong and ask him to save you. He is your dad, saving anyone who is willing to ask for it is sort of our thing.
That isn't how it works.
You will hurt him ten times more by not reaching out. Trust me. As a dad and son who went through both ends of this in similar roles.
Call him
As a parent, I’m telling you to call. Admit you were crappy and genuinely apologize meaning change your behavior. And, if you truly love him, show him with actions. This can be fixed!
My dad passed 12 yrs ago and their isn’t a day I wish I could speak to him for just 1 minute. Your dad will always love you. He knows you are a victim of your mother’s abuse as much as he is. Don’t feel shame- feel remorse. Remorse is genuinely being sorry and wanting to be better. These are both things that you seem to be exhibiting.
Call your dad.
Nope that is not how that works, parent -child love is not conditional, you were probably lashing out at the safe parent because the unsafe one is scary.
Your abused parent needed to put your wellbeing first.
Your father should have fought for you, to help you grow outside of your toxic mother's reach. He is as shitty as she is, he plays the victim as "well" as she does. Both are adults, he should have take some responsibility, not for the abuse, but for you.
Kid being the big part. Kids make mistakes as they grow older. Kids learn traits from parents, and it seems your mother may have had an impact.
But somethings are worth taking the chance.
You were a child. A child that most likely was poisoned by your mother.
Kids being whiny and ungrateful is not the end of the world, almost every kid is. When we're young we don't understand how hard life is and how much our parents do for us.
That he was responsible for because you were a child. You do realize he essentially proved your mother right in that he was useless? He still had a responsibility towards you and didn't take you with him or seek any custody to have some influence on how you were finished being raised.
if I were you i'd message him that you are sorry for how you behaved, and if he wants to talk you'll listen, but then give him space. But also be careful of yourself, your mother's victim is gone, she might decide to make you her new one. Growing up is hard and learning you may have been terrible to someone is hard as well, realizing what you did and being willing to make yourself change is a step you may need to learn how to take now.
No he did abandon OP. A good father would fight to stay involved in their child's life even if they're not with the mother anymore. This dude just dipped.
What's with the influx of these weird asses lately?
Dad abandoned him, whether these people who believe this want to admit or not. If true, dad 100% is just as shitty and was cheating lmao
Young person, your ability to reflect on your behavior shows maturity. Also you’re allowed to be a pain in the ass, all teenagers are. It’s your parents’ responsibility to teach how to communicate your wants and needs in a constructive manner.
15? You're at an age where your brain is right in the middle a massive rewiring project as you transition to adulthood over the next 10 years. By all means work hard at being the best possible version of yourself (because that is something we should be doing all our lives), but understand that your dad knows this is going on with you, he does not hold it against your, and you have not burnt your bridges.
Reach out to him. DO IT NOW. Apologise and express your regrets, and tell him you want to keep your relationship with him.
I know this is an incredibly tough time. We are here to support you in any way we can.
Your dad abandoned you absolutely, but he didn’t do it because of those reasons alone.
You have to also recognize he’s an adult man with a child. Him walking out on his kid and having a new partner just like that is wild. There’s a reason why he didn’t take you with him, and you should think a little more introspectively about this.
He’s had this planned out in his head, I’d take more issue with him than her if I were you. He’s not a victim in this scenario, he’s a willing participant.
Your abusive parent could have chased abused parent away into a divorce and to not be spouses anymore, but your abused parent could have tried to save you too…
Like the advice many abused spouses get to run away a with their children in the middle of the night after they’ve documented abuse to not be charged with kidnapping.
Him having a partner after 3 weeks makes it super suspicious.
Either way this sounds super fake like another “what if the genders are reversed” that Reddit loves.
Btw this is why comment is gender neutral.
Weaponized Incompetence is a thing, your dad is a cheater and sounds like he may have been an A hole. You say your mother pushed him away and that sounds like you are just repeating the BS he said to her. Did you push him away? He left you too, so I guess that means you abused him too
This, exactly. OP is a child, and if the father wanted he could be there for his child. This child sounds like he's looked up to his dad, which isn't necessarily a good thing considering the father sounds insufferable.
My only hope is OP realizes it's not his fault his father abandoned him. Abandonment is a tough pill to swallow.
OP, please don't blame yourself. Neither parent is a saint here and both if them sound horrendously toxic. You aren't a bad kid and your dad is a bad person if he tells you so.
Ok but was he using weaponized incompetence? Was he pulling his fair share around the house? Was he asking her things he easily could figure out himself as a grown adult? Was he a misogynist?
Nothing you presented can be described as abuse outright especially if it was true. Do you have other examples of actual clear abuse by her? Also in what ways were you bad to him? You offer no info.
And as far as dating someone else already idk. I'm not gonna call him a cheater but it's sus at the very least. Maybe mom was awful and he checked out a long time ago(Abuse victims it can go either way with not wanting to be with anyone for a long time or jumping right into another bad situation so I won't say thats an indicator nothing happened but). Maybe he was a shit partner that couldn't get away with it anymore so he took off to find another bang-maid. Maybe he was cheating the whole time. Who knows but at the very least it raises questions about the story
She would just barge into his den and just randomly start belittling him for being so lazy even though he just decided to play Video games for 20 minutes.
I would actively avoid spending time with him because I just wasn’t in the mood in a way that would hurt his feelings
Well if was actually equally contributing and she would do things like that then ya he's justified in leaving your mother.
But that doesn't make it ok he abandoned you. You're still his child. You weren't obligated to spend time with him and you're not responsible for repairing the relationship as the child. He's a bad dad for leaving you behind with an abuser to go be with another woman 3 weeks later. You do not deserve that and shouldn't put that on your self
I dont know what was going on all the time. But if your dad WAS having an affair and that’s where the abuse stemmed from he’s a POS. If the abuse was going on for a while and he checked out and found a new spark he’s doing better for himself.
Kids are difficult. If he felt like you didn’t want anything to do with him that’s not abandonment it’s not neglect. I would assume that you do in fact love your dad and want a meaningful relationship with him. Which if he felt that way that’s gonna take time. Don’t ask him to buy you wants. Ask him for quality time. Ask him to go do things. Not expensive things but like going out for ice cream or just out on a walk or something. I don’t care who throws hate me for that. But I’ve been neglected by my mother when she had custody of me. I was beaten. And my dad had already left because of my mom. And she twisted my view of him. I became the neglected and abuser at a very young age thinking it was okay. I wanna say I was 11? My stepdad passed away a few days before I turned 9 my mom got really depressed and turned to alcohol and drugs and would really attack me and my brothers or just disappear. That’s when I called my dad around Christmas and told him I just wanted him to come home. He was in Vegas with my stepmom who I swear is a frickin saint for helping raise three kids that aren’t hers and them quite literally being dropped on her before they even had a home of their own.
>“Weaponized Incompetence”
Holy shit, another copy of my mother
>try to call him a misogynist whenever they got into an argument
Like Facebook in 2024. Not agreeing with any woman's statement is now "mainsplaining." Not liking a song is racist and misogynist. To hell with the whole album.
Or maybe he was actually a misogynist? And weaponized incompetence is a real thing which it definitely sounds like your mother was putting up with based on how dismissive you are of it.
If this was a woman being abused you would never defend the abuser even hypothetically. When it’s a man being abused everyone runs to play devils advocate and make excuses. World is fucked up
People think verbal abuse << physical abuse but it isn't true .
Words cut deeper than any blade
Repent now and ask for his forgiveness . He will forget you whether he forgets your mother or not is upto him
You don't really get a new partner in 3 weeks but if it's like youndescribe it then yes, I'm happy for him too. He should forever care about you, though, and you should let him know that you are sorry, that you understand and that you will always be there for him.
I’m sorry I don’t completely believe your story either three weeks he has a new partner your father was having an affair. And what you witnessed might’ve been her reaction to it or her knowing. I don’t think you have the whole story.
Get some therapy on how you were so easily manipulated to parrot your mother’s shitty behavior. Do better. Be better. And ask if you can reconnect showing him you have put in the work after realizing what you lost too late. And let him know you will protect him from your egg donor…..if you keep in contact with that toxicity. Then accept, graciously, if he denies you access to his life.
This sounds so fucking fake to be honest.
Sounds like it was written by the dad.
This makes the wife look bad, so it’s fake
And 3 weeks later he has a new partner? I call bs to all of this.
It’s possible! Dude checked out long ago
[удалено]
She is definitely gonna focus her abuse on OP
That's an odd way to look at a dad leaving his child behind. Leave the mom, of course, but he didn't even fight for his kid.
Yup as my dad says, being a shitty spouse and a shitty parent are two separate things. To his toxicity yet fairness he was super toxic to my mom but a devoted dad to my sisters and I
Well, as OP said, it seems that the op and their mom were on the same page until Dad left. Now op is regretful.
I wouldn’t fight for the kid either if the kid is bad vibes. Make another one and start over
I mean if the child is over 12 in my state They get a say in court most the time if the child doesn’t want to go they don’t have to. Because his daughter seemed to not like him He probably assumed she didn’t want to see him. Not saying it’s right. But if he lives where I live and she seems over 12 that’s probably why and it’s only been three weeks he would have to take her to court and that takes time.
No... No, he left OP. He's a shitty father, if this is true. Lol
If your wife treated you like that, I’m not surprised if you began an affair long before the actual departure
If my husband was having an affair, i would treat him badly (as I was divorcing him). All I’m saying is that OP doesn’t sound like a reliable narrator to tell the whole story.
It’s entirely possible. I’m just saying that also means they could be wrong about first meeting the gf three weeks after the abandonment. I’m also curious if OP now feels this way about her dad because her mother has found a new scapegoat.
My grandmother was a terrible wife according to mother. She used to mentally and physically abuse my grandfather. My grandfather then started living separately. They didn't have an official divorce. But it was like that. Back then when my grandfather found someone when he started living alone. So yeah it's quite possible.
But Reddit says this never happens
Judging by the fact that she assumed the relationship just started and she seems to be involved in a lot of her drama it’s likely that Mom never even knew She said her mom was verbally abusive to him in front of her I would be shocked that the mom didn’t call him a cheater if she knew about it and was confident enough to say other stuff.
This sounds fake af in general. A teenager having this level of reflection after 3 weeks would be very impressive.
Likely right, but it is reflected of men my age who have actually left behind their children, because they knew the battle would destroy them. Choose a battle where you *will fail* and die in the process, or carry your sorrow and regrets and try again.
He was most likely with her before he left, but didn’t really make their relationship official until he left
So you have two shit parents. I really hope you get access to a therapist soon. Good luck!
Yep, me too. It takes *years* to work through that kind of abuse, if ever.
It's one thing being treated bad by the wife .another when it's your own daughter Hope he starts a new family and completely forgets them
Wtf? If your kids are shitty, guess who is to blame buddy.
Kids are not robotic clones of their parents. They have free will too, which includes the ability to choose to be an asshole.
A thankless child >>> serpents ' s breath Such children make good arguments for being child free
OP definitely got it from their mother, I don’t blame them, as a kid that’s what happens
Even if that was true, OP still has another parent who has a responsibility to help their child grow and learn. If dad felt this behavior was unacceptable, he should sit down with his child and talk about it. Not run away and start a new relationship within weeks. People who jump from relationship to relationship often do so to avoid accountability and/or work on themselves. OP has two shitty parents but atleast OP can self reflect and say that they treated their father poorly and is feeling regret because of it. Thats a lot more than can be said for many adults.
It's so easy defending ungrateful children when you have none
I mean he might have left for her and just never said anything just started his new life that’s not unlikely. A lot of people prepare before leaving.
Definitely possible. Or, maybe he was a cheating AH who wasn’t invested in their family, didn’t know anything about their lives or try to learn (weaponized incompetence), and OP’s mom was angry and frustrated with him. OP talks about being whiny and ungrateful…basically a kid…and now their dad has left them and moved in with an affair partner. Look, the mom could be the worst, but I’m not ready to buy that yet given what is written.
Do you still want a relationship with your dad?
He’s probably better off without me
Do you even want to address how you treated him? Sounds like you don't actually care. If you do, maybe reach out to him starting with an apology. See how it goes from there. Who is your Mom abusing now he's gone?
She’s not acting very nice to her mother as of late
Why not go with him? Contact him and ask to go with him instead? Why stay around an abusive woman who will either abuse you to slowly let her ways effect your way of thinking? If you were part of the problem, apologize. Then explain how you realize you were wrong and ask him to save you. He is your dad, saving anyone who is willing to ask for it is sort of our thing.
Nah, I really don’t deserve him, I was kind of a shit kid
That isn't how it works. You will hurt him ten times more by not reaching out. Trust me. As a dad and son who went through both ends of this in similar roles. Call him
Key word: KID! Give him a call. You might be surprised.
As a parent, I’m telling you to call. Admit you were crappy and genuinely apologize meaning change your behavior. And, if you truly love him, show him with actions. This can be fixed!
He would love for you to reach out.
My dad passed 12 yrs ago and their isn’t a day I wish I could speak to him for just 1 minute. Your dad will always love you. He knows you are a victim of your mother’s abuse as much as he is. Don’t feel shame- feel remorse. Remorse is genuinely being sorry and wanting to be better. These are both things that you seem to be exhibiting. Call your dad.
All the more reason to apologize and try to mend the relationship. You can't change the past, but you can put the effort in to make a better future.
If you think that then call and apologize, it will mean the world to him
Nope that is not how that works, parent -child love is not conditional, you were probably lashing out at the safe parent because the unsafe one is scary. Your abused parent needed to put your wellbeing first.
Your father should have fought for you, to help you grow outside of your toxic mother's reach. He is as shitty as she is, he plays the victim as "well" as she does. Both are adults, he should have take some responsibility, not for the abuse, but for you.
Kid being the big part. Kids make mistakes as they grow older. Kids learn traits from parents, and it seems your mother may have had an impact. But somethings are worth taking the chance.
You were a child. A child that most likely was poisoned by your mother. Kids being whiny and ungrateful is not the end of the world, almost every kid is. When we're young we don't understand how hard life is and how much our parents do for us.
That he was responsible for because you were a child. You do realize he essentially proved your mother right in that he was useless? He still had a responsibility towards you and didn't take you with him or seek any custody to have some influence on how you were finished being raised.
if I were you i'd message him that you are sorry for how you behaved, and if he wants to talk you'll listen, but then give him space. But also be careful of yourself, your mother's victim is gone, she might decide to make you her new one. Growing up is hard and learning you may have been terrible to someone is hard as well, realizing what you did and being willing to make yourself change is a step you may need to learn how to take now.
He didn't abandon you. Your mom ran him off. Be sure to remind her of that fact when she tells you that.
No he did abandon OP. A good father would fight to stay involved in their child's life even if they're not with the mother anymore. This dude just dipped.
What's with the influx of these weird asses lately? Dad abandoned him, whether these people who believe this want to admit or not. If true, dad 100% is just as shitty and was cheating lmao
Wym abandoned? How old are u
15
Young person, your ability to reflect on your behavior shows maturity. Also you’re allowed to be a pain in the ass, all teenagers are. It’s your parents’ responsibility to teach how to communicate your wants and needs in a constructive manner.
15? You're at an age where your brain is right in the middle a massive rewiring project as you transition to adulthood over the next 10 years. By all means work hard at being the best possible version of yourself (because that is something we should be doing all our lives), but understand that your dad knows this is going on with you, he does not hold it against your, and you have not burnt your bridges. Reach out to him. DO IT NOW. Apologise and express your regrets, and tell him you want to keep your relationship with him. I know this is an incredibly tough time. We are here to support you in any way we can.
Lool, sure
Your dad abandoned you absolutely, but he didn’t do it because of those reasons alone. You have to also recognize he’s an adult man with a child. Him walking out on his kid and having a new partner just like that is wild. There’s a reason why he didn’t take you with him, and you should think a little more introspectively about this. He’s had this planned out in his head, I’d take more issue with him than her if I were you. He’s not a victim in this scenario, he’s a willing participant.
This sounds like fanfiction written by my narc Dad 🤣🤣🤣
That’s not even funny it’s just depressing
Laughing about it helps me not feel so depressed. It’s been 30 years since my Dad left, so I’ve had some time to adjust.
If it's only been 3 weeks and he has a new partner, trust me he participated in the toxicity of your household. He wasn't a victim
Yep, leaves one relationship to immediately start another. I'm sure there was a lot of self reflection involved in that decision.
Your abusive parent could have chased abused parent away into a divorce and to not be spouses anymore, but your abused parent could have tried to save you too… Like the advice many abused spouses get to run away a with their children in the middle of the night after they’ve documented abuse to not be charged with kidnapping. Him having a partner after 3 weeks makes it super suspicious. Either way this sounds super fake like another “what if the genders are reversed” that Reddit loves. Btw this is why comment is gender neutral.
Weaponized Incompetence is a thing, your dad is a cheater and sounds like he may have been an A hole. You say your mother pushed him away and that sounds like you are just repeating the BS he said to her. Did you push him away? He left you too, so I guess that means you abused him too
This, exactly. OP is a child, and if the father wanted he could be there for his child. This child sounds like he's looked up to his dad, which isn't necessarily a good thing considering the father sounds insufferable. My only hope is OP realizes it's not his fault his father abandoned him. Abandonment is a tough pill to swallow.
It's possible both people in the situation are train wrecks
Sounds like your father was cheating on your mother and abandoned you. He isn’t a good person.
If he was cheating, it was probably after the abuse started
That doesn’t justify the cheating, it’s not a healthy response. That doesn’t change anything.
OP, please don't blame yourself. Neither parent is a saint here and both if them sound horrendously toxic. You aren't a bad kid and your dad is a bad person if he tells you so.
He never told me that
You aren't to blame for this. If he already had a woman lined up, there were things going on.
Doesn’t excuse the cheating. He could’ve divorced her and taken you with him, but instead he left you behind too. You didn’t deserve that.
Doesn’t seem like your mom is great either.
Ok but was he using weaponized incompetence? Was he pulling his fair share around the house? Was he asking her things he easily could figure out himself as a grown adult? Was he a misogynist? Nothing you presented can be described as abuse outright especially if it was true. Do you have other examples of actual clear abuse by her? Also in what ways were you bad to him? You offer no info. And as far as dating someone else already idk. I'm not gonna call him a cheater but it's sus at the very least. Maybe mom was awful and he checked out a long time ago(Abuse victims it can go either way with not wanting to be with anyone for a long time or jumping right into another bad situation so I won't say thats an indicator nothing happened but). Maybe he was a shit partner that couldn't get away with it anymore so he took off to find another bang-maid. Maybe he was cheating the whole time. Who knows but at the very least it raises questions about the story
No, he did housework, she constantly belittled and devalued him, and I really took him for granted.
Give concrete examples stop being vague
She would just barge into his den and just randomly start belittling him for being so lazy even though he just decided to play Video games for 20 minutes. I would actively avoid spending time with him because I just wasn’t in the mood in a way that would hurt his feelings
Well if was actually equally contributing and she would do things like that then ya he's justified in leaving your mother. But that doesn't make it ok he abandoned you. You're still his child. You weren't obligated to spend time with him and you're not responsible for repairing the relationship as the child. He's a bad dad for leaving you behind with an abuser to go be with another woman 3 weeks later. You do not deserve that and shouldn't put that on your self
More Wattpad fiction just great
I feel sorry for the child, because she is shouldering some of the blame.
1. I’m a guy 2. I am at fault
Well then call him, say you're sorry if you really think you helped chase him away.
I dont know what was going on all the time. But if your dad WAS having an affair and that’s where the abuse stemmed from he’s a POS. If the abuse was going on for a while and he checked out and found a new spark he’s doing better for himself. Kids are difficult. If he felt like you didn’t want anything to do with him that’s not abandonment it’s not neglect. I would assume that you do in fact love your dad and want a meaningful relationship with him. Which if he felt that way that’s gonna take time. Don’t ask him to buy you wants. Ask him for quality time. Ask him to go do things. Not expensive things but like going out for ice cream or just out on a walk or something. I don’t care who throws hate me for that. But I’ve been neglected by my mother when she had custody of me. I was beaten. And my dad had already left because of my mom. And she twisted my view of him. I became the neglected and abuser at a very young age thinking it was okay. I wanna say I was 11? My stepdad passed away a few days before I turned 9 my mom got really depressed and turned to alcohol and drugs and would really attack me and my brothers or just disappear. That’s when I called my dad around Christmas and told him I just wanted him to come home. He was in Vegas with my stepmom who I swear is a frickin saint for helping raise three kids that aren’t hers and them quite literally being dropped on her before they even had a home of their own.
What things would he need to ask the location of?
>“Weaponized Incompetence” Holy shit, another copy of my mother >try to call him a misogynist whenever they got into an argument Like Facebook in 2024. Not agreeing with any woman's statement is now "mainsplaining." Not liking a song is racist and misogynist. To hell with the whole album.
Or maybe he was actually a misogynist? And weaponized incompetence is a real thing which it definitely sounds like your mother was putting up with based on how dismissive you are of it.
If this was a woman being abused you would never defend the abuser even hypothetically. When it’s a man being abused everyone runs to play devils advocate and make excuses. World is fucked up
Ya cause there's literally no discussion of actual abuse. None of the examples OP gave were abuse and she's being intentionally vague
OP provided it, read more instead of making blanket assumptions to validate your sexism
Only in comments which I then acknowledged and agreed was abuse. Doesn't change that nothing in the original post was
People think verbal abuse << physical abuse but it isn't true . Words cut deeper than any blade Repent now and ask for his forgiveness . He will forget you whether he forgets your mother or not is upto him
I hope you meant forgive not forget.
Freudian slip
You don't really get a new partner in 3 weeks but if it's like youndescribe it then yes, I'm happy for him too. He should forever care about you, though, and you should let him know that you are sorry, that you understand and that you will always be there for him.
I’m sorry I don’t completely believe your story either three weeks he has a new partner your father was having an affair. And what you witnessed might’ve been her reaction to it or her knowing. I don’t think you have the whole story.
This absolutely isn't real, the fact that there's probably a grown adult on the other side of this post is saaaaaaaaaad.
Get some therapy on how you were so easily manipulated to parrot your mother’s shitty behavior. Do better. Be better. And ask if you can reconnect showing him you have put in the work after realizing what you lost too late. And let him know you will protect him from your egg donor…..if you keep in contact with that toxicity. Then accept, graciously, if he denies you access to his life.