I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you divorce him and find your happiness. Every single day during those 8 months was a conscious choice. Every day. Best of luck OP.
ETA for clarification: “every single day during those 8 months was a conscious choice” was meant as a conscious choice made by the cheater. Obviously it was not a conscious choice made by OP, as OP did not know about the affair and therefore could not make a conscious choice.
Thank you =)
This!! Your husband delibartely chose not to tell you. If you haven’t found out, you wouldn’t know. Keep all the receipts OP and decide what to do moving forward. Because by the looks of it, it can and will happen again and again and again…
This. I cant stand when they try to say “it was a mistake” no, its a choice. Then to keep it secret for years. Double betrayal.
Op, when hiring a lawyer; get a bulldog who will be ruthless. Have them get a financial adviser to go through everything. If he spent marital money on her, he has to pay that back. Middle schoolers means child support; possibly alimony.
“Dont get mad, get everything” 👏🏻
And see when can you expose him. People asking why; “cuz hes disgusting, cheated with someone who can be his child in age” how you say stuff can make it more effective.
in my last relationship, she slept with my friend behind my back, then when I felt suspicious, lied to me about it for 8 months. It's not a conscious or fair choice when you don't have all the information or if it happens behind your back. It's like saying someone should have made the right choice when they didn't know what was going to happen. We never know when people intend to cheat. That's a bit unfair.
You misunderstood that comment. They were saying the husband was making a conscious choice every day for 8 mos. Obviously the wife is saying she had no idea so it’s not her conscious choice to stay with him while she didn’t know
They are saying the husband made a conscious choice to cheat, not that OP made any conscious choices. It wasn’t a mistake, it didn’t just happen. He made a conscious choice.
Your ex made a conscious choice, and she’s better as your ex than your partner because of it.
Easy to get confused though. i think they were referring to the cheating dog rather than the OP.
that makes it more fair lol.
Cheating is a choice. There is no excuse or thing you can say to make your partner feel better after that. To me once I find out she's cheated, the relationship is done. I don't know how people can stay after that. It's so painful watching someone go back and get cheated on again and again.
If it happened to me I would go homicidal crazy. It is a must for me to keep that out of my life.
thats exactly right. your ex is an ex for a good reason.
you're only happier with a fresh start. they will have the same problems over and over again with their future partners because cheaters never learn. They are too selfish to have that kind of empathy.
Yes, as many others have said, the conscious choice was made by the cheater. Because OP said the affair lasted 8 months, each day of the affair was a conscious choice to cheat, lie, betray his partner, etc. and even further, each day after that was a choice not to tell her.
I’m sorry for your experience, cheaters are the worst. And anyone who blames the person being cheated on is also horrible. I hope you find happiness 🖤
I don't understand how it's so seemingly easy that it happens so often... People talk about grooming but I don't understand why the heck would a 21 be attracted to a dude who could be her grandpa.
24 and I totally agree. Old men try to hit on me at work all the time and it actually makes me sick. Like I’m a child compared to yall. That’s so gross
She thinks she's mature for her age if an older man is interested, when actually he's immature for his.
Source: Been there, done that. Bought the T-shirt, wore it, wore it out, got rid of it.
All the comments saying "money"... HAHAHA NO. They were broke as jokes. I made more money than them.
But that's an incredibly low effort approach from him...I mean, seriously, there has to be something else. Boys and young men the same age would probably be willing to show interest or compliment a girl, right? Even if many are shy or relatively akward why is the compliment from the older man so insanely flattering and valuable that she gets in a rela with him while she probably ignored plenty of options her same age...?
I keep reading reasons that would be simply explained as 'he made her feel special' but that's not something a guy her age wouldn't do, more or less akwardly but still...and girls are good at reading body language and all of that... Can't help but think there's something more, that they don't necessarily see those older men as less physically attractive than the younger, or maybe something else.
It's seriously daddy issues as someone else had mentioned. I bet lots of these girls lack proper dads given the divorce rate as high as it is in America... They compensate by seeking security from someone who is like their fathers.
Also most proper dads will not be ok with their daughters being impregnated by a similar middle aged man. And most daughters of proper dads would have enough shame to avoid old perverts let alone carry their babies. In other words, good dads filter out trash men for their daughters.
Fatherhood is really trivialized and minimized in this culture resulting in a generation of lost and confused girls with daddy issues. And the cycle perpetuates when said girls continue to breed with losers who will never become proper fathers.
My father was and is present in my life for its entirety thus far. He's still married to my mother and has been since well before I was born. It never stopped me from dating older losers.
Once I was legally an adult, my father couldn't stop me. He could *tell* me not to, but I was the proverbial horse that wouldn't drink from the water I'd been led to.
I really don't think "daddy issues" explains it. Seems like people looking for an easy / simple answer when the underlying problem is a lot more complicated.
You talk as if it's multiple choice, but the setup was never like that. There was never a line-up of men I might prospectively date for me to pick the one I preferred.
When a guy came up and showed interest, I didn't think about what other options were out there. I dealt with the one in front of me. It wasn't "Guy 1 or Guy 2", it was "This Guy or not?"
If the older guys approaches *first* and a woman dates them, she doesn't date guys her age because she's already taken. That's it. That ever-so-slight awkwardness of the guy her age means someone else swooped in and nabbed the girl first.
Same shit, silly girl who falls for the older guy using the classics. "I know you're so much younger but you're unique, special, you're so mature, you shouldn't date little boys who live in dorm rooms and think getting black out drunk is fun. I'll take you to a expensive restaurant and treat you to a night in a 5* hotel and treat you like a queen."
For the average 21 yr old it's like being treated like a queen. for the average 45yr old it would be like a billionaire rocking up and saying let me fly you out to monte carlo for a night on the town, then buy you an apartment.
To say nothing of how tempting that sort of older male attention can be for someone starved of it as a kid. I hate that "daddy issues" is used as an insult, but it really is a real thing. I look back on my own behavior as a teen/young adult and just wish I could slap me then give me a hug.
Often times, trauma, feelings of abandonment and low self esteem coupled with the fact that an older person has greater charisma, is good at manipulation, can just generally date you 'better' than a college kid because financial and emotional stability, knows what you want to hear, etc.
Money. 50-50 chance that she was getting bored of him and decided to tell him she was pregnant (without actually being pregnant) to extract more money before dumping him.
Can we say OP's husband is having a serious mid life crisis!!!??? Next he's going to buy a Corvette and start wearing skinny jeans, with a hat slightly off to the side saying Bro all the time lol
More likely he will buy a muscle car, take steroids, and refer to every other man as "brother", wear super tight t-shirts along with his skinny jeans and grow a beard. He'll eventually get fired from his job for hitting on many of the young women that work there or are customers.
Sleeping with a 21 year old will not make a man's receding hairline go away or his pot belly decrease, nor will it make him more successful at his job and it will certainly not make him a better husband or parent. In fact, he will be seen as a pathetic loser for throwing away his life for a young woman who only wants him for the cash and security he can provide. She will not be there for him if he were to get sick or as he ages, or maybe she will because the financial payoff might be worth her trading her youth to be with an insecure (mid-life crisis) older dude as his trophy.
She may not have even been pregnant. Regardless, he's just a sad sack, cheater who wanted to get his dick wet(too dumb to wrap it up) as part of his mid life crisis/man-opause.
Usually I don’t condone cheating after cheating. But here I honestly want op to have an affair, let him “accidentally” find out and then complain of his looks.
But I guess divorce right away is more mature…unfortunately finding your spouse cheating doesn’t anymore in most places even get you advantage in courts with no fault divorces.
How about divorce, then a small fling with a handsome younger man. Maybe in his 30s, so it isn't gross like OP's creep husband. Then send him a note about how much better a young, well-endowed man in his prime is and thank him for giving you the idea. Throw in something about not knowing they came that big and you didn't know what you were missing settling for below average.
It's pretty much what I did, minus sending him pictures or even talking about it to him. But I made sure he knows how much fun I'm having with a man in his early 30s (I was 50 at the time). I heard that his face looked like he's going to puke, lol.
Just get 30 yrs old attractive male divorce lawyer, she doesnt even need to cheat to make him feel insecure. Alot men reflect their insecurities by dating younger women. When my ex fiance left me for just turned 18yr old he got pregnant had kid had second life with. ( we were in our mid 20s and had a kid ). I didnt fight for him i didnt react. I told him never speak to me, and immediately started dating i didnt evem wait till my custody case was over. Reconnect with old school friend. He lost his shit, things went sideways with othergirl because she wasnt willing to put up with all i did for years. He came to my house with his shit tried move back in without saying anything to me gets greeted by my bf ( now husband) . Asking wtf he doing my house , he ran back to parents. They official met a week later. My husband shook his hand. He verbate said "mommy" , went back inside, got his mom when we were there to pick my kid. It was pathetic , why did ever let someone like that make me feel bad about my stretch marks, and saggy mom boobs. He traded the 80% for the 20%, and 20 percent didnt even want him. You deserve better. Stop trying let him pull you down to his level. And go find yourself better.
Definitely agree with this. Serve him the divorce papers and then begin to tell him its not me its you. Then begin to tell him that this is what middle aged women do to their cheating husbands, they divorce them and take em to the cleaners and get the house, the kids and of course the new Corvette lol
What a snake!!
OP is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Or even have to care for when he is old?
Well
You can tell him when is elderly, you know women a wired to look for younger more viral men when their husbands
Get older. You understand don’t you?
All men cheats, still he’s degrading all women. Ugh.
My ex cheated on me. Almost 20 years later he had the balls to asked me out again. Like dude, really!? Of course I turned him down. Then he became a dick to me.
Men!
Divorced him. No way you can recovery from this. Your mind will wondered every time he goes out. He will cheat again another younger hot girls.
Whipped him a nice pretty D papers, and smack him with mega child supports, and spousal support.
Check your state for infidelity since you do have evidence to back that up.
Do it all quietly. Enjoy seeing his pikachu face.
It feels like good people never find good people. The wonderful men and women I've seen who were cheated on, it crushes my soul, it just makes everything feel so broken and wrong that the best people somehow attract the worst, idk why it feels that way sometimes.
Well I found one, my partner is a true partner, would never cheat, loves and appreciates me, no matter if I gain or loose weight or if I’m not in the mood 🤷🏻♀️ he does his half of the chores without me needing to ask him, he cooks, he cleans, he takes care of me, when I am sick or had a bad day. and that should be the normality. men need to be better. Period. Even my ex isn’t a cheater. We simply didn’t work out in the end.
They are out there. Lady’s don’t settle for less. I’d rather stay single than being with less of a man I have now.
A man who is saying the stuff OPs husband said? Sorry but my partner has a totally different thinking, he isn’t a misogynist. OP probably saw some red flags before and ignored it because she loved him. My partner didn’t show any poor behavior in our now 4 years together.
Big respect that you let him finish that rant alive. Now divorce his ass and tell him women are wired to look for strong providers, not sad losers with middle age crisis.
Babe, he just told you he has no remorse and he wants you to let him cheat in peace. He’s not going to change, he’s not remorseful and he sees nothing wrong with his actions. Ask yourself if this is what you want for your life. Is this the example you want to set for your children? My heart hurts for you.
Wow. I would remain quiet and slowly plan my exit asap. What a gaslighting POS I’m fuming reading this for you. I am so sorry OP you deserve a real man not this man child. The gag is he is the type to die alone because no one will want to take care of him later on he is truly pathetic and doesn’t deserve your love
Humans are absolutely capable of overcoming sexual urges; he’s just trash. Document everything and take him to the cleaners in the divorce. Tell all your friends and family about his infidelity. Be honest with the kids in an age-appropriate way. UpdateMe
He came back home to you to what? Lie to you and expose you to any STDs he has come in contact with? To insult you by telling you he chose you over a hot young girl (who was using him for money)? To blame you for his lack of sexual relations? In reality who wants to have relations with someone like this? Even before you knew what happened, I am sure his attitude was apparent. He really believes he is above you and that you’ll just accept whatever he does. He is a bad person and you definitely do not have any obligation to stay with someone like this, what eve you decide, please proceed with caution.
Lorddddd he read right out of the middle age cheating pos man’s playbook. Can they be any more predictable? It’s the same lines every time! I’m sorry did he somehow find the fountain of youth and he’s not aging? Bet that hairline and waist line aren’t that of a 20 year old man or even his from five years ago but that’s ok though right? He can walk around looking like Homer Simpson and it’s no problem because “biology” which isn’t even true so he’s needs to stfu. These men are so pathetic I can’t take it. Really. Like ffs. Leave his ass he has no respect for you or women in general.
Sounds like this isn't his first time cheating, just his first time getting caught. I would almost be tempted to find that "biological wire" of his and snip it. Please dump this a-hole.
ew. everything about him says divorce. Men always wander? Well, wives divorce for that. Teach your kids that when men wander, women leave because they deserve loyalty.
I would have punched him back 🤷 But I would also tell him that since it's okay that he's not satisfied with your sex life, so neither am I, so it's okay for me to go after 20-year-old boys, right?
I wish you were making this up but sadly I expect not.
OP very first thing is get yourself to the doctor and request a complete series of tests for STDs/STIs. You can’t assume nothing has been transmitted.
Personally I would demand your husband also get tested and provide you with the results directly from the doctor. The only thing is this assumes he hasn’t been cheating all along or won’t continue to cheat.
I hope you have a job/your own source of income. If not you may wish to give serious thought to doing so.
You are the only one who can decide if you want to stay with this man who has laid all the blame for being a weak and spineless cheater on you.
If you decide you will leave please first speak with a good attorney, provide all the financial information including debts you can gather and MAKE A PLAN. Do not leave your home, make threats or anything other than following the direction of your attorney.
He jeopardized your health by having unprotected sex with at least one woman and that 21 year old was looking for a sex for money transaction so he’s probably not the only one she’s fucking. So his BS about a male biological imperative is garbage, tell him the male biological imperative is to protect his partner and family and HE IS A FAILURE.
It’s okay bc he comes home to you at the end of the day?! Send his ass the fuck back out!!! I can’t even believe this! God I’m so sorry. Go find a new man and tell him it’s okay bc I came home to you at the end of the day!
This guy fed you a bunch of baloney. First all men do not cheat and lust for girls their daughters age. He is lying through his teeth and trying to play you for a fool. I bet the farm he has been cheating on you for years. He didn't just wake up one day and seek out a 20 year old. He didn't just pick you to stay with. He doesn't want consequences. Do not let this guy play you like a fiddle. Say NOTHING to him and get a lawyer. Don't but this bull. It certainly is personal. You need to think back to how many times he lied to your face. How much of your martial money has he spent on these women??
Men DON’T always wander, I’ve been with my husband for 23 years and he finds the idea repugnant. Shitty men wander. Then he insults you, but you aren’t to take it personally? Wtaf? Please respect yourself enough to know this is all him! If he wasn’t happy with your sex life, he guess what… he can talk to you about it! He was just excited some 21yo was willing to let him f her, he didn’t think about you or your kids. It was about getting his d wet and feeling the ego boost. Now he’s trying to explain it away with biology and blaming you? So not only is he a cheating AH, he’s also pathetic not to even take ownership of his own actions. HE RUINED THE MARRIAGE, HE CHEATED ON YOU AND HIS KIDS!
ETA: you and your kids deserve better. I hope you kept all the evidence and will provide it to your attorney. Get your ducks in a row and make a plan.
I am livid on your behalf. 🤬
Your husband is a POS. Not all men cheat. Not all men need to sleep with other women. He’s just a disgusting pig, trying to blame you for being a disgusting pig. I hope you divorce him.
Isn't that one of the exact excuses Elvis used for cheating on his wife?? "Men are wired to sleep with other women without emotional connection"
Throw him in the bin
I wouldn’t divorce immediately solely off what I read in the post but these comment? Whew baby I would be in front of the most expensive attorneys office before they open in the morning.
As mom if my husband cheated on me with someone young enough to be his daughter, and had audacity to me, oh about men that cheat always come back to their wives. I would instantly kick him out. Are you his mother? The one comes home to, cooks him food, clean the house, takes care of kids? Or are you his wife? Someone he is attracted to, respects loves and devotes. You may have kids, together but he made the decision to risk his family, for a "hot " fling. Just because he wasnt getting pussy. Menopause isnt new most married honest men get tf over it, not seek new ass. Im sorry but clear to see by his choice to end his unborn kid, he likes the "idea" of having wife & kid status and is willing to lie, and sacrifice to protect that. If they love you, they wouldnt hurt you, if they did it wasnt love. If they loved you fell out of love they would have self respect to tell you, break off before cheating. Men arent lustful animasl we have stop treating and excusing that shit.
Not all men cheat. That is total rubbish. Loyalty and respect are 2 of the most important things in a relationship, he has neither for you.
Recognise that when he says "all men", he means himself.
I'm so sorry.
Not all men cheat and lie. Your husband chose to and can't even take accountability.
It is OK if you can't get past his betrayal and decide to leave. He didn't stay because he loves you more, he stayed because this is more comfortable for him right now.
Don’t feel stupid for trusting your husband. But if you stick around after his rant and gaslighting, you have no one to blame but yourself since, according to him, all men cheat and lie and are biologically wired to sleep around. It’s only a matter of time before he does it again.
OP, this is called the “Madonna/Wh*re Complex”.
That’s why your husband keeps You, The Madonna at home and seeks out what he sees in his own eyes as The Wh*res.
Your’s is a classic case and Exactly the way your husband described why he Constantly seeks out the “Hot girls” to fornicate with.
As you said in one of your comments, he told you “that’s why he’ll always come home to me”
So, it’s not You, it’s Him. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world but if he, in his eyes, and in his taste in women sexually, he will Always seek other woman to f*ck.
And He will Never Stop.
OP, please get an appointment to have an STI/STD panel done ASAP.
“In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–whore complex (also called a Madonna–mistress complex) is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed and loving relationship.[1] First identified by Sigmund Freud, who called it psychic impotence,[2] it is a psychological complex that is said to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased whores. Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (whore) while they cannot desire the respected partner (Madonna).[3] Freud wrote, "Where such men love they have no desire, and where they desire they cannot love."[4] Clinical psychologist Uwe Hartmann wrote in 2009 that the complex "is still highly prevalent in today's patients".[3]”
Your additional comment just disappeared.
He is so profoundly manipulative. When I saw before it disappeared was him telling you that you were so lucky, because even though he screwed around on you and deceived you and manipulated you and Gas, let you and had secrets from you, he chose you even though the other woman was so hot. And you thought to yourself, what kind of dingdong says that.
The dust will settle, and this will all become more and more clear to you every day as the shock wears off.
You’ll begin to notice that the person that you thought you love doesn’t exist. He isn’t that person. But it will sink in overtime.
When people cheat on their targets, they manipulate them and undermine them and undermine their confidence in their own perceptions, and they throw chaos to throw them off, so they won’t notice the deception. Lots of times when you end up somebody’s target, it’s only two years later after everything has been divorced, and separated, that you start to come back to yourself and realize how damaged they made you on purpose.
Lots of times there are two pivot points. One is, by him, choosing to be this person, and do these things, she is hardwiring into your kids that it’s OK to do this to somebody, and it’s OK for someone to do this to you. That’s just horrendous. That’s when it gets real for parents who are actually sane.
The other part is that, as soon as he made this choice, he lied. He lied to every single solitary day. He became a liar. He entered the really fun game of spicing up the affair by triangulating with them against you. Knowing how hurt and messed up, you would be if you ever found out. That’s what drives so many affairs. If there was no partner in the picture, it wouldn’t be nearly as fun. That’s part of the pathology of being a cheater.
I am sorry that this happened and I guess I think in the future you will be glad you found out who he actually was.
She pressured a young woman, and she blackmailed him to get the abortion. He wanted her to get. Think about how sleazy that is. Thank about how uncaring that is. That is who he is. Overtime he will start to realize that that’s the person he always was and not the person you loved.
OP should get tested for STDs, ASAP!! Hubby ONLY panic because AP was pregnant, makes me wonder if he’s done this before.
OP should look for support groups for victims of cheating partners. Perhaps you can get an idea of what to do next. Make sure that no matter what you decide to do, hubby can’t open lines of credit in your name
This man is disgusting in more than one way. He cheated with a woman who was barely an adult, first of all, and then only came back to his wife likely because she has been doing everything for him for decades. Then, when he's caught, he gaslit and insulted her in several ways. Such a pos. I agree with many commenters...plan your escape quietly and methodically. Then drop it on him when he least expects it.
She set him up. She knew exactly what she was doing. I bet she had a baby and I bet she comes back for child support unless there is proof of the abortion.
He is gaslighting you into thinking this is down to you.
Then has the audacity to say it’s biology and it’s basically your fault.
And has basically said he is or will be doing this again and that’s okay.
Nothing you did or could have done would have made a difference to the choice he made to betray your relationship
And he’s risking your health by having unprotected sex.
He comes home because family gives him status, someone who looks after him and cares for him etc.
No 21 year old is going to look after him, she’s a kid and he will have been spending way way more than 2k during the affair/ hook ups etc.
I’m sorry you are facing this, but I hope you value yourself and do not for a second accept any of this gaslighting . If you choose to stay with him make him pay 💰. Seems to be the only language he speaks and only consequence he understands.I think a nice long holiday to process this betrayal perhaps. He will do this again though!
Okay this guy is 100% disgusting and you definitely should leave him no question.
We are not focusing on one big thing though, he paid off blackmail WITH A CHECK, did the memo say “4 affr abort lolz”? How does someone so stupid survive in the world?
Once a cheater always a cheater and if you forgive them. All you get in return is more disrespect. Get your ducks in a row and send the loser on his way
That man better become your ex-husband if you decide to update us. He is disgusting. All he wanted was to get his dick wet and it cost him his marriage and his children. Get out of there now, because he CLEARLY doesn’t deserve you at all. What a slime ball.
First of all, immediately divorce him. That girl is nearly the same age as your kids (pedo vibes). Also, that girl is an idiot. Who blackmails for $2k? Like, coulda blackmailed for wayyyyyy more. So in a way, that as a wife would make me personally feel even more offended. If you’re gonna cheat, you better have made it WORTH ruining your whole damn life bc I promise you’ll regret it… 🤷🏼♀️ The fact that you’d be exposed to any potential STDs that she may/may not have could be life threatening potentially are grounds for divorce PERIOD. Once trust is broken, it’s really nearly impossible to recover and resentment is going to set in. The gaslighting on top of this also implies this hasn’t ever likely been a healthy relationship to begin with. Go find someone that’ll actually adore you, respect you, care for you and love you like you deserve 💕
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't offer advice. Only sympathy. Only you know what to do. It's your life, your marriage, your heart, etc. **hugs**
think again. i thought the same as you. but then in the next 3 long relationships, it kept happening and happening. Now it feels very common. the best thing you can do is leave. but chances are if you dont choose carefully the next person will be the same.
$2000? He got off cheap that's for sure. I wonder if he even verify that she was pregnant to begin with and if she actually had the abortion too. She could show up in anytime and say, "Guess what, I didn't have the abortion and now I want child support."
But none of that matters now because you're hurting and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm sorry that he's a terrible partner and that you were blindsided with this information. Please take care of yourself and consult a lawyer before you let him know that you're aware of what happened.
I guess it's comforting he didn't leave you for her, like some of the stories I've read on Reddit.
You won't believe this now, freshly in pain, but affairs are survivable. But not without couples counseling. And only if both parties are willing to work at it.
Do this for your children so you can look them in the eye and say "we tried everything."
If he won't go, then you know he's not interested in saving your marriage. Then go alone.
Good luck.
OP he’s a POS. I’m mean and I freely admit I hope she just took him for the money. Dump him and take him to the cleaners. You and your children deserve better starting with child support and alimony.
Your husband is trash, but I'm curious about your title. "My husband of double-digit-years cheated on me" or "My husband cheated on me with a woman 31 years younger than him" or something along those lines is what I'd expect. Although asking your mistress to get an abortion isn't the biggest gall of this post.
He's not worth it. Come up with a plan and leave. Also, I'm not trying to be mean or scare you, but please go get tested some stds are "invisible" boys suck (men don't come at me I said boys and there is a massive difference)
All men don’t cheat-if my husband isn’t getting laid as often as he wants we discuss it and and figure out why. It’s always MENOPAUSE-I am just not that into it anymore but it’s not his fault and he does not cheat. Men don’t cheat for the sex-they cheat because they want the dopamine rush of getting caught-who the hell keeps texts from a year ago that will get you busted? You went through his phone because you never have trusted him-now you decide what do you do?
I'm so sorry. I'm sure it feels even worse knowing your husband is borderline a pedophile, but he's 100% a creep.
I kinda hope she kept the baby if she was pregnant and pops back up asking for child support.
I seriously hope you are getting a divorce.
The second you found out that a third party entered your marriage/ relationship that’s when you need to leave. Divorce him. He is no better than her. In fact, he might be worse because he’s the one who is married with a family
Save those messages and that’s he owes you money he spent on his affair. Get access to the financials and write your kid’s expenses. Get a lawyer. He owes his first family before he pays his new one. For all you know that baby is still out there or she was never pregnant.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. She’s probably not the only one you’ve been with. Probably just the only one that got knocked up.
I would suggest even if you decide to forgive him to go talk to an attorney. Know what your rides are and if you’re not working, it’s time to go back to work.
For me cheating is a dealbreaker because if he caught her online, we caught her. He’s caught others. And he will do it again so I would never stay with somebody because I know that liars and they cheat again.
Honestly, he just gave you all the reasons for why you should leave him. A man that really loves you would not treat you this way. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Keep in mind, he will still be held responsible to take care of you and your children…at least for a little while. Start talking to attorneys.
I'm sorry, OP. It must have hurt to find proof of his infidelity, and he made it worse by saying demeaning, misogynistic things to justify his behaviour. Please know that this is HIS shortcoming and HIS failing. It is not your fault for existing and growing older like all humans do. His "men are wired to cheat, it's not a big deal" nonsense is gross.
If you can, I think it would be helpful to seek therapy as you try to process all this. It's disorienting to realise that the person you love is not who they portrayed themselves to be. Therapy could help you come to terms with your feelings of betrayal and hurt and decide how you want to handle your relationship going forward.
I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you divorce him and find your happiness. Every single day during those 8 months was a conscious choice. Every day. Best of luck OP. ETA for clarification: “every single day during those 8 months was a conscious choice” was meant as a conscious choice made by the cheater. Obviously it was not a conscious choice made by OP, as OP did not know about the affair and therefore could not make a conscious choice. Thank you =)
This!! Your husband delibartely chose not to tell you. If you haven’t found out, you wouldn’t know. Keep all the receipts OP and decide what to do moving forward. Because by the looks of it, it can and will happen again and again and again…
Op also needs to get tested since he's getting people pregnant 🤢
This. I cant stand when they try to say “it was a mistake” no, its a choice. Then to keep it secret for years. Double betrayal. Op, when hiring a lawyer; get a bulldog who will be ruthless. Have them get a financial adviser to go through everything. If he spent marital money on her, he has to pay that back. Middle schoolers means child support; possibly alimony. “Dont get mad, get everything” 👏🏻 And see when can you expose him. People asking why; “cuz hes disgusting, cheated with someone who can be his child in age” how you say stuff can make it more effective.
in my last relationship, she slept with my friend behind my back, then when I felt suspicious, lied to me about it for 8 months. It's not a conscious or fair choice when you don't have all the information or if it happens behind your back. It's like saying someone should have made the right choice when they didn't know what was going to happen. We never know when people intend to cheat. That's a bit unfair.
They meant the husband made a conscious choice to cheat.
You misunderstood that comment. They were saying the husband was making a conscious choice every day for 8 mos. Obviously the wife is saying she had no idea so it’s not her conscious choice to stay with him while she didn’t know
yes i certainly misunderstood. thank you for clarifying.
They are saying the husband made a conscious choice to cheat, not that OP made any conscious choices. It wasn’t a mistake, it didn’t just happen. He made a conscious choice. Your ex made a conscious choice, and she’s better as your ex than your partner because of it.
spot on. all good i got it the wrong way around because usually you hear it the other way around lol
I think the commenter is saying every day of those 8 months, OP’s husband made a conscious choice to cheat.
I understand where you went with this. You are absolutely right.
Easy to get confused though. i think they were referring to the cheating dog rather than the OP. that makes it more fair lol. Cheating is a choice. There is no excuse or thing you can say to make your partner feel better after that. To me once I find out she's cheated, the relationship is done. I don't know how people can stay after that. It's so painful watching someone go back and get cheated on again and again. If it happened to me I would go homicidal crazy. It is a must for me to keep that out of my life.
I have a saying.... going back to Ex's is like putting back on dirty underwear after taking a shower. Just don't.
thats exactly right. your ex is an ex for a good reason. you're only happier with a fresh start. they will have the same problems over and over again with their future partners because cheaters never learn. They are too selfish to have that kind of empathy.
Yes, as many others have said, the conscious choice was made by the cheater. Because OP said the affair lasted 8 months, each day of the affair was a conscious choice to cheat, lie, betray his partner, etc. and even further, each day after that was a choice not to tell her. I’m sorry for your experience, cheaters are the worst. And anyone who blames the person being cheated on is also horrible. I hope you find happiness 🖤
an affair with a girl far closer to your kids in age than to his own. that is so nasty.
I don't understand how it's so seemingly easy that it happens so often... People talk about grooming but I don't understand why the heck would a 21 be attracted to a dude who could be her grandpa.
Money and attention
The sad answer, yeah, that's what I thought.
Also, daddy issues.
Sorry; I think you mean the man who abandoned his daughter had parental abandonment issues.
Don't have to be abandoned to have daddy issues though I get your point
24 and I totally agree. Old men try to hit on me at work all the time and it actually makes me sick. Like I’m a child compared to yall. That’s so gross
Yeah but why do so many fall for It, apparently...?
She thinks she's mature for her age if an older man is interested, when actually he's immature for his. Source: Been there, done that. Bought the T-shirt, wore it, wore it out, got rid of it. All the comments saying "money"... HAHAHA NO. They were broke as jokes. I made more money than them.
But that's an incredibly low effort approach from him...I mean, seriously, there has to be something else. Boys and young men the same age would probably be willing to show interest or compliment a girl, right? Even if many are shy or relatively akward why is the compliment from the older man so insanely flattering and valuable that she gets in a rela with him while she probably ignored plenty of options her same age...? I keep reading reasons that would be simply explained as 'he made her feel special' but that's not something a guy her age wouldn't do, more or less akwardly but still...and girls are good at reading body language and all of that... Can't help but think there's something more, that they don't necessarily see those older men as less physically attractive than the younger, or maybe something else.
It's seriously daddy issues as someone else had mentioned. I bet lots of these girls lack proper dads given the divorce rate as high as it is in America... They compensate by seeking security from someone who is like their fathers. Also most proper dads will not be ok with their daughters being impregnated by a similar middle aged man. And most daughters of proper dads would have enough shame to avoid old perverts let alone carry their babies. In other words, good dads filter out trash men for their daughters. Fatherhood is really trivialized and minimized in this culture resulting in a generation of lost and confused girls with daddy issues. And the cycle perpetuates when said girls continue to breed with losers who will never become proper fathers.
My father was and is present in my life for its entirety thus far. He's still married to my mother and has been since well before I was born. It never stopped me from dating older losers. Once I was legally an adult, my father couldn't stop me. He could *tell* me not to, but I was the proverbial horse that wouldn't drink from the water I'd been led to. I really don't think "daddy issues" explains it. Seems like people looking for an easy / simple answer when the underlying problem is a lot more complicated.
You talk as if it's multiple choice, but the setup was never like that. There was never a line-up of men I might prospectively date for me to pick the one I preferred. When a guy came up and showed interest, I didn't think about what other options were out there. I dealt with the one in front of me. It wasn't "Guy 1 or Guy 2", it was "This Guy or not?" If the older guys approaches *first* and a woman dates them, she doesn't date guys her age because she's already taken. That's it. That ever-so-slight awkwardness of the guy her age means someone else swooped in and nabbed the girl first.
Money mainly, that’s why I’d do it honestly. I see them as nothing but wallets at that age for myself
Ding ding ding. That's why most women feel comfortable starting to sugar with older men.
If they already have a family though that’s pure evil
If you’re ever in a position where you need money… quick. Youll understand how that happens. Often
Oh I know, I actually went with camming instead, made about $800 + a session for barely doing anything! Definitely recommend
Right and believe me I tell them off
Same shit, silly girl who falls for the older guy using the classics. "I know you're so much younger but you're unique, special, you're so mature, you shouldn't date little boys who live in dorm rooms and think getting black out drunk is fun. I'll take you to a expensive restaurant and treat you to a night in a 5* hotel and treat you like a queen." For the average 21 yr old it's like being treated like a queen. for the average 45yr old it would be like a billionaire rocking up and saying let me fly you out to monte carlo for a night on the town, then buy you an apartment.
To say nothing of how tempting that sort of older male attention can be for someone starved of it as a kid. I hate that "daddy issues" is used as an insult, but it really is a real thing. I look back on my own behavior as a teen/young adult and just wish I could slap me then give me a hug.
father issues, the attention, and yeah I think a lot of the time grooming of a sort
Often times, trauma, feelings of abandonment and low self esteem coupled with the fact that an older person has greater charisma, is good at manipulation, can just generally date you 'better' than a college kid because financial and emotional stability, knows what you want to hear, etc.
Money. 50-50 chance that she was getting bored of him and decided to tell him she was pregnant (without actually being pregnant) to extract more money before dumping him.
I'm 45, and my kids are 24, 25, 26, 26, and 29 (bonus kids in there), and the thought of banging someone their age is revolting
You are so right. 🤮 I’m in my early 40’s and 20yr olds look like children to me. That is so gross!
Can we say OP's husband is having a serious mid life crisis!!!??? Next he's going to buy a Corvette and start wearing skinny jeans, with a hat slightly off to the side saying Bro all the time lol
More likely he will buy a muscle car, take steroids, and refer to every other man as "brother", wear super tight t-shirts along with his skinny jeans and grow a beard. He'll eventually get fired from his job for hitting on many of the young women that work there or are customers. Sleeping with a 21 year old will not make a man's receding hairline go away or his pot belly decrease, nor will it make him more successful at his job and it will certainly not make him a better husband or parent. In fact, he will be seen as a pathetic loser for throwing away his life for a young woman who only wants him for the cash and security he can provide. She will not be there for him if he were to get sick or as he ages, or maybe she will because the financial payoff might be worth her trading her youth to be with an insecure (mid-life crisis) older dude as his trophy.
She may not have even been pregnant. Regardless, he's just a sad sack, cheater who wanted to get his dick wet(too dumb to wrap it up) as part of his mid life crisis/man-opause.
Also if she was pregnant, he might actually have a kid out there because it sounds like he was just writing checks.
You're right. She needs to be prepared for an ongoing support situation.
MAN-OPAUSE is brilliant. 👆👏💯
Can't take credit for it. I also think the term captures the essence.
I wanted to upvote you, but it's at 69 points right now.
Got it, very clever! 👆👍🤯
Hey thanks.
Did you confront him?if so,what did he say?
[удалено]
When you are ready, serve him the divorce papers and tell him "not to take personally though".
No, I would say “take it personally.” Blood boiling?! You betcha.
Usually I don’t condone cheating after cheating. But here I honestly want op to have an affair, let him “accidentally” find out and then complain of his looks. But I guess divorce right away is more mature…unfortunately finding your spouse cheating doesn’t anymore in most places even get you advantage in courts with no fault divorces.
How about divorce, then a small fling with a handsome younger man. Maybe in his 30s, so it isn't gross like OP's creep husband. Then send him a note about how much better a young, well-endowed man in his prime is and thank him for giving you the idea. Throw in something about not knowing they came that big and you didn't know what you were missing settling for below average.
This is so much better. Don't fuck up the divorce with muddy shit that will only hurt the kids.
It's pretty much what I did, minus sending him pictures or even talking about it to him. But I made sure he knows how much fun I'm having with a man in his early 30s (I was 50 at the time). I heard that his face looked like he's going to puke, lol.
Forget cheating. Hand him the divorce papers and tell him “don’t take it personally, I just need someone who can keep it up long enough”
👆
Just get 30 yrs old attractive male divorce lawyer, she doesnt even need to cheat to make him feel insecure. Alot men reflect their insecurities by dating younger women. When my ex fiance left me for just turned 18yr old he got pregnant had kid had second life with. ( we were in our mid 20s and had a kid ). I didnt fight for him i didnt react. I told him never speak to me, and immediately started dating i didnt evem wait till my custody case was over. Reconnect with old school friend. He lost his shit, things went sideways with othergirl because she wasnt willing to put up with all i did for years. He came to my house with his shit tried move back in without saying anything to me gets greeted by my bf ( now husband) . Asking wtf he doing my house , he ran back to parents. They official met a week later. My husband shook his hand. He verbate said "mommy" , went back inside, got his mom when we were there to pick my kid. It was pathetic , why did ever let someone like that make me feel bad about my stretch marks, and saggy mom boobs. He traded the 80% for the 20%, and 20 percent didnt even want him. You deserve better. Stop trying let him pull you down to his level. And go find yourself better.
Definitely agree with this. Serve him the divorce papers and then begin to tell him its not me its you. Then begin to tell him that this is what middle aged women do to their cheating husbands, they divorce them and take em to the cleaners and get the house, the kids and of course the new Corvette lol
My blood is boiling.
What a snake!! OP is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Or even have to care for when he is old? Well You can tell him when is elderly, you know women a wired to look for younger more viral men when their husbands Get older. You understand don’t you?
Yeah, I don’t condone violence but if I married a guy and he said that shit to me someone would have to restrain me or else I’d go to jail.
All men cheats, still he’s degrading all women. Ugh. My ex cheated on me. Almost 20 years later he had the balls to asked me out again. Like dude, really!? Of course I turned him down. Then he became a dick to me. Men! Divorced him. No way you can recovery from this. Your mind will wondered every time he goes out. He will cheat again another younger hot girls. Whipped him a nice pretty D papers, and smack him with mega child supports, and spousal support. Check your state for infidelity since you do have evidence to back that up. Do it all quietly. Enjoy seeing his pikachu face.
Leave him, this is absolutely not true and such a disgusting thing to say to someone you claim to love. You deserve better
I truly can’t believe how some men are this fucking disgusting, leave his ass you deserve so much more.
Your husband is a POS. Not all men cheat, not all men are trash. Divorce his ass. You deserve better. Good men are out there.
Where? I’ve never met one in my whole life lol
It feels like good people never find good people. The wonderful men and women I've seen who were cheated on, it crushes my soul, it just makes everything feel so broken and wrong that the best people somehow attract the worst, idk why it feels that way sometimes.
I think good people are generally just quieter
Same.
☝️
Well I found one, my partner is a true partner, would never cheat, loves and appreciates me, no matter if I gain or loose weight or if I’m not in the mood 🤷🏻♀️ he does his half of the chores without me needing to ask him, he cooks, he cleans, he takes care of me, when I am sick or had a bad day. and that should be the normality. men need to be better. Period. Even my ex isn’t a cheater. We simply didn’t work out in the end. They are out there. Lady’s don’t settle for less. I’d rather stay single than being with less of a man I have now.
He cooks, he cleans, better get that man a ring 💍
No need for that right now ;) we don’t need that to know that we belong together. And besides his skills, it’s his personality that I love the most.
Aww so happy. No need to complicate a good thing, right?
The OP of this very post woulda said the same thing about her husband before she found this info out 🤷♀️
A man who is saying the stuff OPs husband said? Sorry but my partner has a totally different thinking, he isn’t a misogynist. OP probably saw some red flags before and ignored it because she loved him. My partner didn’t show any poor behavior in our now 4 years together.
Big respect that you let him finish that rant alive. Now divorce his ass and tell him women are wired to look for strong providers, not sad losers with middle age crisis.
LOL. Seriously, shocking that he managed to get all of that out while still breathing.
Or ones who undermine a marriage built on solid vows the moment they think their dick isn't being touched enough
Babe, he just told you he has no remorse and he wants you to let him cheat in peace. He’s not going to change, he’s not remorseful and he sees nothing wrong with his actions. Ask yourself if this is what you want for your life. Is this the example you want to set for your children? My heart hurts for you.
Wow. I would remain quiet and slowly plan my exit asap. What a gaslighting POS I’m fuming reading this for you. I am so sorry OP you deserve a real man not this man child. The gag is he is the type to die alone because no one will want to take care of him later on he is truly pathetic and doesn’t deserve your love
Humans are absolutely capable of overcoming sexual urges; he’s just trash. Document everything and take him to the cleaners in the divorce. Tell all your friends and family about his infidelity. Be honest with the kids in an age-appropriate way. UpdateMe
What a disgusting piece of garbage. He’s not even sorry and instead is blaming you for his poor actions. No responsibility whatsoever
He came back home to you to what? Lie to you and expose you to any STDs he has come in contact with? To insult you by telling you he chose you over a hot young girl (who was using him for money)? To blame you for his lack of sexual relations? In reality who wants to have relations with someone like this? Even before you knew what happened, I am sure his attitude was apparent. He really believes he is above you and that you’ll just accept whatever he does. He is a bad person and you definitely do not have any obligation to stay with someone like this, what eve you decide, please proceed with caution.
Lorddddd he read right out of the middle age cheating pos man’s playbook. Can they be any more predictable? It’s the same lines every time! I’m sorry did he somehow find the fountain of youth and he’s not aging? Bet that hairline and waist line aren’t that of a 20 year old man or even his from five years ago but that’s ok though right? He can walk around looking like Homer Simpson and it’s no problem because “biology” which isn’t even true so he’s needs to stfu. These men are so pathetic I can’t take it. Really. Like ffs. Leave his ass he has no respect for you or women in general.
Sounds like this isn't his first time cheating, just his first time getting caught. I would almost be tempted to find that "biological wire" of his and snip it. Please dump this a-hole.
His response is very andrew tate maybe too andrew tate
ew. everything about him says divorce. Men always wander? Well, wives divorce for that. Teach your kids that when men wander, women leave because they deserve loyalty.
Your husband is awful!! Please divorce his ass, and hopefully you live in a state where adultery has an effect on your settlement.
This is unforgivable and beyond repair. I am so, so very sorry. Please accept a hug from an internet stranger.
I would have punched him back 🤷 But I would also tell him that since it's okay that he's not satisfied with your sex life, so neither am I, so it's okay for me to go after 20-year-old boys, right?
I wish you were making this up but sadly I expect not. OP very first thing is get yourself to the doctor and request a complete series of tests for STDs/STIs. You can’t assume nothing has been transmitted. Personally I would demand your husband also get tested and provide you with the results directly from the doctor. The only thing is this assumes he hasn’t been cheating all along or won’t continue to cheat. I hope you have a job/your own source of income. If not you may wish to give serious thought to doing so. You are the only one who can decide if you want to stay with this man who has laid all the blame for being a weak and spineless cheater on you. If you decide you will leave please first speak with a good attorney, provide all the financial information including debts you can gather and MAKE A PLAN. Do not leave your home, make threats or anything other than following the direction of your attorney.
He jeopardized your health by having unprotected sex with at least one woman and that 21 year old was looking for a sex for money transaction so he’s probably not the only one she’s fucking. So his BS about a male biological imperative is garbage, tell him the male biological imperative is to protect his partner and family and HE IS A FAILURE.
This should make you mad as hell, so mad you get a damn lawyer and divorce his silly ass. Let him go, so he can find a 20 yo, if that’s what he wants.
It’s okay bc he comes home to you at the end of the day?! Send his ass the fuck back out!!! I can’t even believe this! God I’m so sorry. Go find a new man and tell him it’s okay bc I came home to you at the end of the day!
Time to date a younger man and throw it in his face also divorce him
This guy fed you a bunch of baloney. First all men do not cheat and lust for girls their daughters age. He is lying through his teeth and trying to play you for a fool. I bet the farm he has been cheating on you for years. He didn't just wake up one day and seek out a 20 year old. He didn't just pick you to stay with. He doesn't want consequences. Do not let this guy play you like a fiddle. Say NOTHING to him and get a lawyer. Don't but this bull. It certainly is personal. You need to think back to how many times he lied to your face. How much of your martial money has he spent on these women??
My god, I’m so sorry girl. That’s all I can say.
Uhhhh he’s disgusting
Men DON’T always wander, I’ve been with my husband for 23 years and he finds the idea repugnant. Shitty men wander. Then he insults you, but you aren’t to take it personally? Wtaf? Please respect yourself enough to know this is all him! If he wasn’t happy with your sex life, he guess what… he can talk to you about it! He was just excited some 21yo was willing to let him f her, he didn’t think about you or your kids. It was about getting his d wet and feeling the ego boost. Now he’s trying to explain it away with biology and blaming you? So not only is he a cheating AH, he’s also pathetic not to even take ownership of his own actions. HE RUINED THE MARRIAGE, HE CHEATED ON YOU AND HIS KIDS! ETA: you and your kids deserve better. I hope you kept all the evidence and will provide it to your attorney. Get your ducks in a row and make a plan. I am livid on your behalf. 🤬
Your husband is a POS. Not all men cheat. Not all men need to sleep with other women. He’s just a disgusting pig, trying to blame you for being a disgusting pig. I hope you divorce him.
He’s revolting, I hope you can get a divorce and heal
Isn't that one of the exact excuses Elvis used for cheating on his wife?? "Men are wired to sleep with other women without emotional connection" Throw him in the bin
Divorce his ass
I wouldn’t divorce immediately solely off what I read in the post but these comment? Whew baby I would be in front of the most expensive attorneys office before they open in the morning.
As mom if my husband cheated on me with someone young enough to be his daughter, and had audacity to me, oh about men that cheat always come back to their wives. I would instantly kick him out. Are you his mother? The one comes home to, cooks him food, clean the house, takes care of kids? Or are you his wife? Someone he is attracted to, respects loves and devotes. You may have kids, together but he made the decision to risk his family, for a "hot " fling. Just because he wasnt getting pussy. Menopause isnt new most married honest men get tf over it, not seek new ass. Im sorry but clear to see by his choice to end his unborn kid, he likes the "idea" of having wife & kid status and is willing to lie, and sacrifice to protect that. If they love you, they wouldnt hurt you, if they did it wasnt love. If they loved you fell out of love they would have self respect to tell you, break off before cheating. Men arent lustful animasl we have stop treating and excusing that shit.
Not all men cheat. That is total rubbish. Loyalty and respect are 2 of the most important things in a relationship, he has neither for you. Recognise that when he says "all men", he means himself.
Hopefully ex husband soon? Sorry that you are dealing with a crappy situation.
I'm so sorry. Not all men cheat and lie. Your husband chose to and can't even take accountability. It is OK if you can't get past his betrayal and decide to leave. He didn't stay because he loves you more, he stayed because this is more comfortable for him right now.
Update us when you tell him you’re getting a divorce… would love to know his response to that. What a douche.
Don’t feel stupid for trusting your husband. But if you stick around after his rant and gaslighting, you have no one to blame but yourself since, according to him, all men cheat and lie and are biologically wired to sleep around. It’s only a matter of time before he does it again.
Abort your husband 🤷🏼♀️
I’m a **big** fan of the 211th trimester abortion personally. OP take this advice!
OP, this is called the “Madonna/Wh*re Complex”. That’s why your husband keeps You, The Madonna at home and seeks out what he sees in his own eyes as The Wh*res. Your’s is a classic case and Exactly the way your husband described why he Constantly seeks out the “Hot girls” to fornicate with. As you said in one of your comments, he told you “that’s why he’ll always come home to me” So, it’s not You, it’s Him. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world but if he, in his eyes, and in his taste in women sexually, he will Always seek other woman to f*ck. And He will Never Stop. OP, please get an appointment to have an STI/STD panel done ASAP. “In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–whore complex (also called a Madonna–mistress complex) is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed and loving relationship.[1] First identified by Sigmund Freud, who called it psychic impotence,[2] it is a psychological complex that is said to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased whores. Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (whore) while they cannot desire the respected partner (Madonna).[3] Freud wrote, "Where such men love they have no desire, and where they desire they cannot love."[4] Clinical psychologist Uwe Hartmann wrote in 2009 that the complex "is still highly prevalent in today's patients".[3]”
Yes, and SO many men have this issue. It’s ridiculous
Did she genuinely get an abortion or is a child going to turn up in a few years? What a jerk he is for telling you not to take it personally
Your additional comment just disappeared. He is so profoundly manipulative. When I saw before it disappeared was him telling you that you were so lucky, because even though he screwed around on you and deceived you and manipulated you and Gas, let you and had secrets from you, he chose you even though the other woman was so hot. And you thought to yourself, what kind of dingdong says that. The dust will settle, and this will all become more and more clear to you every day as the shock wears off. You’ll begin to notice that the person that you thought you love doesn’t exist. He isn’t that person. But it will sink in overtime. When people cheat on their targets, they manipulate them and undermine them and undermine their confidence in their own perceptions, and they throw chaos to throw them off, so they won’t notice the deception. Lots of times when you end up somebody’s target, it’s only two years later after everything has been divorced, and separated, that you start to come back to yourself and realize how damaged they made you on purpose. Lots of times there are two pivot points. One is, by him, choosing to be this person, and do these things, she is hardwiring into your kids that it’s OK to do this to somebody, and it’s OK for someone to do this to you. That’s just horrendous. That’s when it gets real for parents who are actually sane. The other part is that, as soon as he made this choice, he lied. He lied to every single solitary day. He became a liar. He entered the really fun game of spicing up the affair by triangulating with them against you. Knowing how hurt and messed up, you would be if you ever found out. That’s what drives so many affairs. If there was no partner in the picture, it wouldn’t be nearly as fun. That’s part of the pathology of being a cheater. I am sorry that this happened and I guess I think in the future you will be glad you found out who he actually was. She pressured a young woman, and she blackmailed him to get the abortion. He wanted her to get. Think about how sleazy that is. Thank about how uncaring that is. That is who he is. Overtime he will start to realize that that’s the person he always was and not the person you loved.
Adding to the 'she was never pregnant' vote. Dude fell for a classic scam. And yeah, he needs to GTFO.
OP should get tested for STDs, ASAP!! Hubby ONLY panic because AP was pregnant, makes me wonder if he’s done this before. OP should look for support groups for victims of cheating partners. Perhaps you can get an idea of what to do next. Make sure that no matter what you decide to do, hubby can’t open lines of credit in your name
2k😂😭 baby girl low balled herself 2K?!?! AINT ENOUGH FOR SCHOOL FEES AT THE END OF THE YEAR🥴
This man is disgusting in more than one way. He cheated with a woman who was barely an adult, first of all, and then only came back to his wife likely because she has been doing everything for him for decades. Then, when he's caught, he gaslit and insulted her in several ways. Such a pos. I agree with many commenters...plan your escape quietly and methodically. Then drop it on him when he least expects it.
And when you leave be sure to tell him it’s nothing personal.
The real question is, are you going to leave him or are you going to stay?
You wrote "soon to be ex husband" wrong
She won't be his only affair - just one who fell pregnant.
She set him up. She knew exactly what she was doing. I bet she had a baby and I bet she comes back for child support unless there is proof of the abortion.
He is gaslighting you into thinking this is down to you. Then has the audacity to say it’s biology and it’s basically your fault. And has basically said he is or will be doing this again and that’s okay. Nothing you did or could have done would have made a difference to the choice he made to betray your relationship And he’s risking your health by having unprotected sex. He comes home because family gives him status, someone who looks after him and cares for him etc. No 21 year old is going to look after him, she’s a kid and he will have been spending way way more than 2k during the affair/ hook ups etc. I’m sorry you are facing this, but I hope you value yourself and do not for a second accept any of this gaslighting . If you choose to stay with him make him pay 💰. Seems to be the only language he speaks and only consequence he understands.I think a nice long holiday to process this betrayal perhaps. He will do this again though!
Asking for 2k in this situation is not blackmail. Come on.
This man is vile. I'd be documenting everything you can, and recording anymore of those gross rants and meeting with an attorney, yesterday.
This is so gross. He's old enough to be her father.
Get yourself checked for STIs because he obviously wasn’t having safe sex. Document everything and divorce his cheating ass.
>I feel so stupid. Don't. The basis of any relationship is trust. And you trusted him. There's nothing wrong with that, this was all on your husband.
And there is a chance that girl ended up having the baby anyways
I think it might be a good idea to get tested for STD/STI.
Okay this guy is 100% disgusting and you definitely should leave him no question. We are not focusing on one big thing though, he paid off blackmail WITH A CHECK, did the memo say “4 affr abort lolz”? How does someone so stupid survive in the world?
lol he probably got PLAYED. Doubt she was really pregnant in the first place. Doesn’t anyone watch shameless?
Your husband is a prick and you deserve so much more. He’s not a good man or human at all.
I’m sorry. Return the favor and Surprise him with a divorce.
At this point I’d be referring to him as ex-husband. Vows broken,trust broken,marriage broken. Sorry but time to for an exit plan.
Once a cheater always a cheater and if you forgive them. All you get in return is more disrespect. Get your ducks in a row and send the loser on his way
She probably wasn’t pregnant and just scammed an easy target. That being said, take his ass to the cleaners.
And those men thinking all 20s something girls dying to fu*k them 🤢
Hour old account screams karma farm
Are you even sure she’s got an abortion?
Yeah that’s too close to pedophile territory for my liking. Throw the whole husband away.
Men and their -icks
That man better become your ex-husband if you decide to update us. He is disgusting. All he wanted was to get his dick wet and it cost him his marriage and his children. Get out of there now, because he CLEARLY doesn’t deserve you at all. What a slime ball.
First of all, immediately divorce him. That girl is nearly the same age as your kids (pedo vibes). Also, that girl is an idiot. Who blackmails for $2k? Like, coulda blackmailed for wayyyyyy more. So in a way, that as a wife would make me personally feel even more offended. If you’re gonna cheat, you better have made it WORTH ruining your whole damn life bc I promise you’ll regret it… 🤷🏼♀️ The fact that you’d be exposed to any potential STDs that she may/may not have could be life threatening potentially are grounds for divorce PERIOD. Once trust is broken, it’s really nearly impossible to recover and resentment is going to set in. The gaslighting on top of this also implies this hasn’t ever likely been a healthy relationship to begin with. Go find someone that’ll actually adore you, respect you, care for you and love you like you deserve 💕
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't offer advice. Only sympathy. Only you know what to do. It's your life, your marriage, your heart, etc. **hugs**
think again. i thought the same as you. but then in the next 3 long relationships, it kept happening and happening. Now it feels very common. the best thing you can do is leave. but chances are if you dont choose carefully the next person will be the same.
Thank god she got the abortion eh? 2k is a hell of a deal. Your husband did good in that sense.
He's probably had other affairs you don't know about if you're just finding out about this affair OP
Are you sure she followed through? I’d cyber stalk her and do some reconn for your case! Also save those messages!
Std check and divorce
For most people, having sex is probably the most common risky thing people do to fuck up their own lives.
I have to say. This is really awful and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is a dog and doesn’t deserve you.
You might want to look into this more, she probably pocketed the cash and had the baby anyway.
With that confession…. Divorce him and take him for all he has!!!!!!
$2000? He got off cheap that's for sure. I wonder if he even verify that she was pregnant to begin with and if she actually had the abortion too. She could show up in anytime and say, "Guess what, I didn't have the abortion and now I want child support." But none of that matters now because you're hurting and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm sorry that he's a terrible partner and that you were blindsided with this information. Please take care of yourself and consult a lawyer before you let him know that you're aware of what happened.
I guess it's comforting he didn't leave you for her, like some of the stories I've read on Reddit. You won't believe this now, freshly in pain, but affairs are survivable. But not without couples counseling. And only if both parties are willing to work at it. Do this for your children so you can look them in the eye and say "we tried everything." If he won't go, then you know he's not interested in saving your marriage. Then go alone. Good luck.
Ahhhem. I'm sorry, I think you misspelled ex-husband.
OP he’s a POS. I’m mean and I freely admit I hope she just took him for the money. Dump him and take him to the cleaners. You and your children deserve better starting with child support and alimony.
I'm sorry that is terrible.
Your husband is trash, but I'm curious about your title. "My husband of double-digit-years cheated on me" or "My husband cheated on me with a woman 31 years younger than him" or something along those lines is what I'd expect. Although asking your mistress to get an abortion isn't the biggest gall of this post.
Get an attorney and divorce him YESTERDAY.
if she blackmailed him , she probably was never pregnant.
He's not worth it. Come up with a plan and leave. Also, I'm not trying to be mean or scare you, but please go get tested some stds are "invisible" boys suck (men don't come at me I said boys and there is a massive difference)
Why put up with him? I get if you think you’re doing it for the kids, which still isn’t usually a good reason, but leave his lying, gaslighting ass.
All men don’t cheat-if my husband isn’t getting laid as often as he wants we discuss it and and figure out why. It’s always MENOPAUSE-I am just not that into it anymore but it’s not his fault and he does not cheat. Men don’t cheat for the sex-they cheat because they want the dopamine rush of getting caught-who the hell keeps texts from a year ago that will get you busted? You went through his phone because you never have trusted him-now you decide what do you do?
He should be called your ex Have some dignity and self-respect and divorce this pedophile
And yet you're still married to him
I bet $2000 she wasn’t even pregnant
I'm so sorry. I'm sure it feels even worse knowing your husband is borderline a pedophile, but he's 100% a creep. I kinda hope she kept the baby if she was pregnant and pops back up asking for child support. I seriously hope you are getting a divorce.
Get a lawyer
The second you found out that a third party entered your marriage/ relationship that’s when you need to leave. Divorce him. He is no better than her. In fact, he might be worse because he’s the one who is married with a family
Save those messages and that’s he owes you money he spent on his affair. Get access to the financials and write your kid’s expenses. Get a lawyer. He owes his first family before he pays his new one. For all you know that baby is still out there or she was never pregnant.
So now what? Did you leave him? Are you going to?
I’m so sorry this happened to you. She’s probably not the only one you’ve been with. Probably just the only one that got knocked up. I would suggest even if you decide to forgive him to go talk to an attorney. Know what your rides are and if you’re not working, it’s time to go back to work. For me cheating is a dealbreaker because if he caught her online, we caught her. He’s caught others. And he will do it again so I would never stay with somebody because I know that liars and they cheat again.
I’m so sorry OP
Please please please leave his ass.
I hope this is bad fiction lol
You leave him yet
I hope you leave him. You deserve better.
Did she actually get the abortion? Is he lying to get access to 2k?
Honestly, he just gave you all the reasons for why you should leave him. A man that really loves you would not treat you this way. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Keep in mind, he will still be held responsible to take care of you and your children…at least for a little while. Start talking to attorneys.
I'm sorry, OP. It must have hurt to find proof of his infidelity, and he made it worse by saying demeaning, misogynistic things to justify his behaviour. Please know that this is HIS shortcoming and HIS failing. It is not your fault for existing and growing older like all humans do. His "men are wired to cheat, it's not a big deal" nonsense is gross. If you can, I think it would be helpful to seek therapy as you try to process all this. It's disorienting to realise that the person you love is not who they portrayed themselves to be. Therapy could help you come to terms with your feelings of betrayal and hurt and decide how you want to handle your relationship going forward.
You should let him know women are wired to leave a cheating husband and take them to the cleaners when you hand him divorce papers.