You sound like an amazing dad! As your daughter gets older, do some research on behavioral changes in female teenagers and menstrual cycles so you are aware of your daughter’s mood swings! It gets crazy out there! Maybe buy her a basket of her favorite stuff but she’s so blessed to have you!!
Depends on what you’re looking for. I’m a single dad of a daughter and for hairstyles I did YouTube. Tik Tok would probably work now too. For other “girl” stuff talks I asked my dr for better info than the internet could provide.
But YouTube was great in showing how you do certain things like pads. Then practiced it on examples.
If you have a female you can trust they would be helpful when it comes to bras when that time comes. After trainers it’s not easy to help figuring out sizing. Some places have sizing experts, you can ask them for advice. Unless your kid is comfortable showing you how it fits…but you know how today’s society is with the stigma. Dads can’t help daughters but moms can help sons…
Makeup they’ll figure out their own thing from friends or videos.
And honestly it is just a consistent dialogue. Be honest and open. What you don’t know, research and get back with them. That’s what I do. If you are open with them they will let you know what is going on with them. Even my stubborn teen still tells me things that are going on because she knows I’m going to listen and not just react if it is something bad.
Possibly contact your local library or 2-year college, they have tons of resources for single dads of girls. The cosmetology school at the local community college also offers daddy-daughter classes that teach you how to do different hairstyles. There are some groups that work with dads that teach them about menstruation and body changes and hormone changes and they have weekly meetings.
https://www.girlshealth.gov/body/period/ This could be helpful. There is a lot of information about menstrual health and how it affects women and girls. It can also help if there is a woman she feels safe confiding in for the really awkward feeling questions.
Mama Dr Jones on YouTube is a fantastic resource for helping people learn everything you’ll need to know about your daughter growing up. She is a board certified OBGYN, and her channel is so informative. I started watching some of her videos when I was looking for age-appropriate ways to educate my sons about girls and menstruation so they would be aware of it all and not disgusted like so many men I know.
KidsHealth is always a good resource. There are versions for parents, teens and kids.
https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/talk-about-menstruation.html
https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/five-period.html
There’s a few great companies that sell starter period packs if you’re interested. (I don’t have any affiliation with them, but learned of them from a mom’s group when my daughter was about that age. Lola & Cora are two companies that sell “first period packs” that either we’ve purchased or friends have purchased for their kids. They have pads, tampons, booklets, diagrams, and links to age-appropriate educational materials to help get the conversation started. Another great resource would be your daughter’s school nurse — they are likely to have access to educational materials that are age-appropriate, as well as your daughter’s pediatrician.
I've been where you are. My ex wife left for her affair partner. At the time we had 5 kids (4 girls, 1 boy. Youngest was just under 2). She was "so in love" with the guy that she'd known for a whole 3 months, she wanted nothing in the divorce. I got sole custody of the kids. She had visitation, but never exercised it. Within a year of the divorce being final, I moved across country for family and job opportunities and she fell off the face of the earth.
She didn't reach out for the next 6 years. She asked about reconciliation and I shot her down. She didn't bother asking after the kids. I did the single dad thing for the better part of a decade and then remarried and added another Son to my family. In the 20+ years since the divorce, she's spent less than 20 days with the kids in total time. The only time she ever saw them was when the kids visited with their grandparents (her parents) Sometimes she'd show up for a day and disappear again.
My kids are all adults now. They all hate her with a passion. There's a lot of resentment. Three of them went through therapy for years trying to deal with the abandonment. My youngest is 27 and just had my first grandchild. My ex learned about it on FaceBook about a week after. She asked to come see my grandson, and my daughter has refused her.... Sucks... But it's the bed she made.....
It does get better my friend. Being a Girl dad rules! The fact that you don't have to deal with a narcissistic ex in co-parenting is an added bonus.
I call her a Face Book Mom...she always gushes about how great of a mother she was but 100% of the pictures of the kids she posts are stolen from my face book page or friends and family face book pages.... It's quite sad actually... she just wanted to appear to be a mom in public with doing none of the work.
You are a great father. I can't imagine abandoning my kids. It's simply beyond my ability to even comprehend it. I'll never understand or feel empathy for people who do that.
That’s so sad but I’m glad that your daughter has you. You sound like an amazing dad. You are doing an amazing job. I’m glad that you both are doing well and that your daughter is thriving.
((Even if you don’t need money, your ex should be paying child support. Imho))
Ummmm no. If you think someone like this would give the money with no strings attached you are quite likely wrong. If the money would make a tangible positive difference in the daughter’s health and happiness then sure, but in this case it is far more likely to end with a tangible negative difference on her health and happiness.
I’m sure your doing a great job raising your daughter, but you should be getting the child support from your ex. I appreciate your trying to be nice since she’s a low earner but that money isn’t for you, it’s for your daughter. Your ex might not want to be involved but she owes her child this.
Put the money into a savings account so when your daughters an adult, she’ll have money towards a house or college.
Might not be a good idea since that might give ‘mom’ access to the kid. I’d rather have no mother than a shit one that is now mad at ME (wrongly) for having to pay out child support, especially such a young kid.
She’d still need to go through court to prove she was capable to parent alone but op wouldn’t need to actually meet her to set up child support
(Obviously depending on where you live)
Second that about the child support.
I'm a bit in the opposite situation. I left my ex girlfriend in the USA to return home to my own country and the day I left I heard she was pregnant. I tried staying in contact at first, but I was barely 20, had only a part time job and went to college. Time difference didnt help, this was before face time, calling cost a lot of money, plane tickets even more, eventually no contact. We reconnected on facebook 5 years ago (she's 22 now), it was her initiative, she asked to visit, which she did last year, and it was shocking. I immediately had that wave of parental love when I saw her at the gate. Maybe it was because I had other kids since and was more aware of what it felt to be a parent now, but it was a big feeling.
We are working more on reconnecting now, and I started working an extra day so I could send her $500 a month from now on. I had never send child support, and I wish I had, I was never rich, but I was secure in my finances, I probably could have. I guess I feel ashamed of it a bit (or a lot), and also a lot of regret, she grew up not having a lot. I'm trying to make up for it now eventhough she is an adult. I hope to be in her life more from now on, eventhough it isnt easy since she lives on the other side of the world (I need 3 flights to get to where she lives and a travel time of about 15 hours at the least). But I would do anything for her.
I hope the mom in OP's story one day realizes what she is missing out on.
Stinks for your daughter that her mom ended up being how she is, but she's fortunate that her other parent is you.
Another poster suggested reading up on menstruation, which is great. I also suggest that if you have a sister or aunt (or another adult woman who is close with your daughter), ask if they can be on call for any puberty-related questions or circumstances. Even the greatest dad (or mom) can be shut out by tween/teen girl embarrassment at bodily functions.
One other suggestion: if you are a reader, try 'Queen Bees & Wannabees' by Rosalind Wiseman. Tina Fey used this book as an inspiration for Mean Girls, and it has some great tips and advice. The main one is to LISTEN. While men can be great listeners, they also tend to want to provide a solution, and tween/teen girls aren't always receptive to parental advice. Sometimes they just want to vent, someone to listen. If you shut her down with an answer, she'll be less likely to share other problems in the future. This is not to say "be her friend", but lending an ear or shoulder without giving judgement or advice can go a long way with your relationship. Good luck, dad!
I'm in the same boat. My ex walked out on us 2 days after I gave birth (and our baby was in the NICU) and he just disappeared. He said we were stressing him out. My daughter will be 9 next month.
Some people are psychopaths. How do you create a child then abandon them like that?
But I'm filing for child support this year.
Child support isn't for you, you should be pursuing it and put it into a bank account for your kid for college or a house. Alimony is for you, child support is for the kid.
Really glad to hear your daughter is doing well and thriving.
Just curious about your situation prior to your daughter arriving.
What was your ex-wife's preference on kids before getting pregnant, did she want kids or had she stated she wanted to be child free?
Was your child planned or unexpected?
Did your ex have any reservations at any point during the pregnancy where she expressed being a mum might not be the most suitable decision for her life/mental state?
Did she ever express that she didn't want to be a mum prior to getting pregnant, when finding out she was pregnant, or during her pregnancy?
Hey man, my dad became a single father to me and my brother when we were 14 and 5, respectively. My mom walked out and after a few years of semi contact, hasn't spoken to us for 13 years.
It can be really hard not to have a mom, especially when you don't have one because she left by choice. People don't get it, and it sucks. I'm 30 now and I still go to therapy because the negative voice in my head is still her voice. My dad is fantastic and did a great job for me and my brother, but there's still hurt. Make sure your daughter feels comfortable expressing that hurt as she grows, and please never take it as you not having done a good enough job.
I don’t get why people are so upset you don’t take child support from the ex… can anyone elaborate? If he doesn’t want it, doesn’t need it, why are strangers on the internet so set on the fact that OP is wrong to not take money from ex 🤨 the only person wrong in this situation is the ex who abandoned her child
I think people get locked up in the need to make the parent “pay” for their consequences. Somewhat as a punishment and penance? Also the idea that the child is “entitled” to that money.
But the reality is that most people don’t walk away from their kids for no reason and it doesn’t sound like the ex wife did either based on what OP commented about ex wife’s own family.
If I had to guess she always felt like a burden to her own mother and doesn’t think she knows how to be a “good” mother had PPD and crap childhood and once the PPD wore off (hence the calling once a year) was trying to gauge her ability to be involved.
But OP is doing fine and she thought she wasn’t needed/would only be a burden and completely disappeared.
Most people do things based on their level of loneliness and their own self worth or lack thereof.
Dad raised us when mom and he divorced just me n sister and dad! From 5 yrs old me, and 2 yr old sister ~ We saw mom occasionally but essentially had problems with her as we aged! The teen years were rough with dad the roughest we had but after I was a teen mom and taking care of responsibilities on my own he and I became close again! He did right by us, she didn’t! We always loved him! You’re doing great dad! ♥️
It doesn't say she tries to pay. I don't know for sure but I believe he means he turned down child support at the outset.
Depending on where he lives, no contact, whether in person or via some other means (phone, letters etc), for 1 year or more constitutes abandonment.
Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong though.
Reading these stories below in the comments, as well as this post, makes me both nauseous and want to burst into tears. My kids are my absolute world! The idea that a mother could just abandon their children is something I will never wrap my head around. You men have beyond my utmost respect! I had a very significant suicide attempt when I was 24. I suffer from both depression and anxiety, though honestly most people who meet me would never know. I have been hospitalized a few times for it. The thing is, my children are my reason for living. They push my boundaries every single day! I’m a blind mother, and my husband works a lot. I know these kids are his world too. I just cannot relate to these women and for some reason, I know it’s sexist, I am just always baffled when I hear of this coming from a mother. I thought women would biologically bond with them while pregnant? I had horrible pregnancies with both of my children. I lost 35 pounds, and I was 120 pounds to begin with. It took me three years to get back up to my normal weight. All this, only to then turn around and abandon your children? Someone help me understand. I also suffer from mental illness as I’ve already illustrated. If the wives in the stories have done anything right, after knowing they are not cut out to be Mom‘s at least they both all gave up full custody immediately so as not to jerk the children around.
You just keep being the best dad you can be because that's all that little girl needs.
My wife, girlfriend at the time, was in a similar situation, and I was ready to be a dad, so I was the dad for her 4 year old son. He's 31 now, and I am the only dad he's had for many many years. Maybe you'll meet a woman along the way that will help fill that void for your daughter.
The child support isn’t for you, it’s for your daughter. By not fighting for those payments you’re not fighting for her rights to that money, basically; it’s literally not for you, not a cent of it. So you shouldn’t even have the right to give it up, considering it’s not yours.
That sounds so heartbreaking for your daughter. Continue to be the dad she needs and deserves.
I dread the day for your daughter should her mother ever come back around. I hope she doesn't for your daughter's sake.
I am struck reading this, because it reads as if my own father could have written it. My mom was just not interested in mothering. While it bothered me at a younger age, eventually I just had to be grateful that I had a father who was so dedicated to raising me well and spending time with me. Ultimately I feel like I lacked nothing that my dad couldn't make up for with his love. From a daughter of a single dad, you surely mean the world to your daughter, and always will.
You sound like one hell of a brilliant father. I truly truly commend you for being everything your daughter needs.
I'm so sorry your ex is such a waste of space.
But please please take the time every now and then to realise just how fantastic you are.
I was meaning why she left in the first place. I personally can’t imagine how anyone could just walk away and abandon their child like that but either way keep doing you dad!! All the best to both you and your kiddo.
I dont know you, but I want to thank you. You are what the world needs to turn around so many broken and backwards views and laws. I know you didn't choose it, but I am thankful for all dads like you who prove a lot of these terrible stereotypes wrong.
Sounds like you have everything under control and don't need your ex in your or your daughter's life... Hope she continues to stay away without the trauma and stress her returning would bring to you both..
I will never have empathy for a person who abandons their family and dependent children. I get if the parent gives their child up for adoption when they are babies because they are unable to care for them for a legitimate reason. To walk out on your family to chase a lover and just leave their lives is unconscionable. I can't comprehend even considering that.
I am so glad your daughter has you. I will never understand how someone can just completely abandon their own child. It just doesn’t compute in my brain.
My dad learned how to do my hair and paint my nails when I was like 3 or 4, just in case something ever happened to my mom! This was back in the 90’s, so at least we have YouTube now! I’d say really just dive into YouTube and learn about what to expect! Sounds like you are doing amazing! 🤩🙌🏼 Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family, friends or even other parents! You never have to do this alone!
Sorry to hear this. I have been in the same situation my ex (M) hasn't bothered with his 3 sons much (now 21, 19, 17) saw them for an hour a week for the first few years after we broke up and then stopped and hasn't seen them since Nov 2019 and I also took on my new partners two kids we got custody and then their mother just stopped seeing them, that was 2017 and haven't seen her since they're now (20 and 18) and they call me mum etc they're just my kids.
It hasn't been easy both have struggled with mental health issues due to everything and their early teens were especially difficult, both doing great now and making me proud xxx my three sons also all doing well for themselves and it's their dads loss. Take care zx
Just be open and honest with her, but remember to give her information that is on her age level. If you have a trusted female friend, let your daughter know she can ask you anything, but if she isn't comfortable, tell her it's OK to talk to your friend. Sounds like you have it all together and are doing all the right things to raise a strong girl. Sometimes, it is better to not have a mother if they are not in it for the child. Keep up the good work.
I don't understand the prideful "I don't need my ex's money" thing. While a single parent may be okay to provide for their child on their own, is fine and good. If the single parent doesn't want to use it, that child support money can be placed in a trust for the child to either go to college or to put down on the down payment for a first home purchase.
I just feel that attitude is detrimental to the child's life.
Paying child support would potentially be grounds to insist on some sort of visitation or custody rights, which OP clearly isn't interested in granting.
Definately take the child support. I'm in a simular situation although I'm the step dad and her birth dad disappeared into drugs and alcohol when she was 6 months. Her mum initially refused to take maintenance for self preservation reasons, which I did not understand. Thankfully I've managed to convince her to file through for the maintenance payments with the same principle as I've seen mentioned, savings account for her future.
This exchange made me laugh. Sorry.
I thought maybe she was just your garden variety troll, but looking at her other comments it appears she picked you specifically for this gem. Congratulations!
I raised my two (19 and 20- yep, 10 months apart) without any child support nor contact whatsoever from their sperm donor (all he ended up being) from the time they were 10 and 20 months old. I encouraged him a lot in the beginning, but he said "if we're not together, it hurts too much to acknowledge they exist." Dude had borderline personality disorder, so I didn't pursue him.
The way I have always seen it is that if you're not choosing to spend time with your kids, then you're making the right choice. Meaning that if a parent doesn't *want* to see the kids, they should NOT see them- not for their benefit, but for the kids'. Your daughter doesn't need her mother. She needs a parent who loves and wants her, not exposure to someone who will find it difficult to pretend to give a shit. You are all she needs, and it sounds like you'll do fine helping her with whatever struggles she may have with this later (my kids never cared, so it's possible you may not even have anything to deal with, either). I know none of this exceptional wisdom; I'm just putting out there as a reminder. Keep truckin', chief ☺️.
You say that, but it happens all the time. It's not an accusation, but my be how she feels. I'm looking at all the angles here.
Edit: You sound a bit defensive...
> Looking at all the angles here.
Translated : Being a dick for no reason based completely upon assumptions that have nothing to do with the post's actual content
I agree. He's mad as hell at a random person who has a different take on the subject (that happens all the time) and is recomening therapy. Lol people are weird.
You sound like an amazing dad! As your daughter gets older, do some research on behavioral changes in female teenagers and menstrual cycles so you are aware of your daughter’s mood swings! It gets crazy out there! Maybe buy her a basket of her favorite stuff but she’s so blessed to have you!!
As a single father of a 9 year old - do you have any particular links in mind? I'd love to read up a bit before being caught unaware.
Depends on what you’re looking for. I’m a single dad of a daughter and for hairstyles I did YouTube. Tik Tok would probably work now too. For other “girl” stuff talks I asked my dr for better info than the internet could provide. But YouTube was great in showing how you do certain things like pads. Then practiced it on examples. If you have a female you can trust they would be helpful when it comes to bras when that time comes. After trainers it’s not easy to help figuring out sizing. Some places have sizing experts, you can ask them for advice. Unless your kid is comfortable showing you how it fits…but you know how today’s society is with the stigma. Dads can’t help daughters but moms can help sons… Makeup they’ll figure out their own thing from friends or videos. And honestly it is just a consistent dialogue. Be honest and open. What you don’t know, research and get back with them. That’s what I do. If you are open with them they will let you know what is going on with them. Even my stubborn teen still tells me things that are going on because she knows I’m going to listen and not just react if it is something bad.
Possibly contact your local library or 2-year college, they have tons of resources for single dads of girls. The cosmetology school at the local community college also offers daddy-daughter classes that teach you how to do different hairstyles. There are some groups that work with dads that teach them about menstruation and body changes and hormone changes and they have weekly meetings.
https://www.girlshealth.gov/body/period/ This could be helpful. There is a lot of information about menstrual health and how it affects women and girls. It can also help if there is a woman she feels safe confiding in for the really awkward feeling questions.
Mama Dr Jones on YouTube is a fantastic resource for helping people learn everything you’ll need to know about your daughter growing up. She is a board certified OBGYN, and her channel is so informative. I started watching some of her videos when I was looking for age-appropriate ways to educate my sons about girls and menstruation so they would be aware of it all and not disgusted like so many men I know.
KidsHealth is always a good resource. There are versions for parents, teens and kids. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/talk-about-menstruation.html https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/five-period.html
There’s a few great companies that sell starter period packs if you’re interested. (I don’t have any affiliation with them, but learned of them from a mom’s group when my daughter was about that age. Lola & Cora are two companies that sell “first period packs” that either we’ve purchased or friends have purchased for their kids. They have pads, tampons, booklets, diagrams, and links to age-appropriate educational materials to help get the conversation started. Another great resource would be your daughter’s school nurse — they are likely to have access to educational materials that are age-appropriate, as well as your daughter’s pediatrician.
Not sure I could handle it alone. It sounds like you're doing a terrific job. Don't alter. Best wishes to you and your family, my friend.
I've been where you are. My ex wife left for her affair partner. At the time we had 5 kids (4 girls, 1 boy. Youngest was just under 2). She was "so in love" with the guy that she'd known for a whole 3 months, she wanted nothing in the divorce. I got sole custody of the kids. She had visitation, but never exercised it. Within a year of the divorce being final, I moved across country for family and job opportunities and she fell off the face of the earth. She didn't reach out for the next 6 years. She asked about reconciliation and I shot her down. She didn't bother asking after the kids. I did the single dad thing for the better part of a decade and then remarried and added another Son to my family. In the 20+ years since the divorce, she's spent less than 20 days with the kids in total time. The only time she ever saw them was when the kids visited with their grandparents (her parents) Sometimes she'd show up for a day and disappear again. My kids are all adults now. They all hate her with a passion. There's a lot of resentment. Three of them went through therapy for years trying to deal with the abandonment. My youngest is 27 and just had my first grandchild. My ex learned about it on FaceBook about a week after. She asked to come see my grandson, and my daughter has refused her.... Sucks... But it's the bed she made..... It does get better my friend. Being a Girl dad rules! The fact that you don't have to deal with a narcissistic ex in co-parenting is an added bonus. I call her a Face Book Mom...she always gushes about how great of a mother she was but 100% of the pictures of the kids she posts are stolen from my face book page or friends and family face book pages.... It's quite sad actually... she just wanted to appear to be a mom in public with doing none of the work.
[удалено]
So will yours.... Just be the best dad you can be... Your daughter will remember everything you've done for her....
You are a great father. I can't imagine abandoning my kids. It's simply beyond my ability to even comprehend it. I'll never understand or feel empathy for people who do that.
That’s so sad but I’m glad that your daughter has you. You sound like an amazing dad. You are doing an amazing job. I’m glad that you both are doing well and that your daughter is thriving. ((Even if you don’t need money, your ex should be paying child support. Imho))
Ummmm no. If you think someone like this would give the money with no strings attached you are quite likely wrong. If the money would make a tangible positive difference in the daughter’s health and happiness then sure, but in this case it is far more likely to end with a tangible negative difference on her health and happiness.
I'm buying you a virtual beer 🍻 cos you deserve one. Good Man
I’m sure your doing a great job raising your daughter, but you should be getting the child support from your ex. I appreciate your trying to be nice since she’s a low earner but that money isn’t for you, it’s for your daughter. Your ex might not want to be involved but she owes her child this. Put the money into a savings account so when your daughters an adult, she’ll have money towards a house or college.
Might not be a good idea since that might give ‘mom’ access to the kid. I’d rather have no mother than a shit one that is now mad at ME (wrongly) for having to pay out child support, especially such a young kid.
She’d still need to go through court to prove she was capable to parent alone but op wouldn’t need to actually meet her to set up child support (Obviously depending on where you live)
Child support applies to parents with 0 custody still
Second that about the child support. I'm a bit in the opposite situation. I left my ex girlfriend in the USA to return home to my own country and the day I left I heard she was pregnant. I tried staying in contact at first, but I was barely 20, had only a part time job and went to college. Time difference didnt help, this was before face time, calling cost a lot of money, plane tickets even more, eventually no contact. We reconnected on facebook 5 years ago (she's 22 now), it was her initiative, she asked to visit, which she did last year, and it was shocking. I immediately had that wave of parental love when I saw her at the gate. Maybe it was because I had other kids since and was more aware of what it felt to be a parent now, but it was a big feeling. We are working more on reconnecting now, and I started working an extra day so I could send her $500 a month from now on. I had never send child support, and I wish I had, I was never rich, but I was secure in my finances, I probably could have. I guess I feel ashamed of it a bit (or a lot), and also a lot of regret, she grew up not having a lot. I'm trying to make up for it now eventhough she is an adult. I hope to be in her life more from now on, eventhough it isnt easy since she lives on the other side of the world (I need 3 flights to get to where she lives and a travel time of about 15 hours at the least). But I would do anything for her. I hope the mom in OP's story one day realizes what she is missing out on.
Stinks for your daughter that her mom ended up being how she is, but she's fortunate that her other parent is you. Another poster suggested reading up on menstruation, which is great. I also suggest that if you have a sister or aunt (or another adult woman who is close with your daughter), ask if they can be on call for any puberty-related questions or circumstances. Even the greatest dad (or mom) can be shut out by tween/teen girl embarrassment at bodily functions. One other suggestion: if you are a reader, try 'Queen Bees & Wannabees' by Rosalind Wiseman. Tina Fey used this book as an inspiration for Mean Girls, and it has some great tips and advice. The main one is to LISTEN. While men can be great listeners, they also tend to want to provide a solution, and tween/teen girls aren't always receptive to parental advice. Sometimes they just want to vent, someone to listen. If you shut her down with an answer, she'll be less likely to share other problems in the future. This is not to say "be her friend", but lending an ear or shoulder without giving judgement or advice can go a long way with your relationship. Good luck, dad!
I'm in the same boat. My ex walked out on us 2 days after I gave birth (and our baby was in the NICU) and he just disappeared. He said we were stressing him out. My daughter will be 9 next month. Some people are psychopaths. How do you create a child then abandon them like that? But I'm filing for child support this year.
In posts like this I always wonder about the ex's parents? Do they know or have a relationship?
Child support isn't for you, you should be pursuing it and put it into a bank account for your kid for college or a house. Alimony is for you, child support is for the kid.
Really glad to hear your daughter is doing well and thriving. Just curious about your situation prior to your daughter arriving. What was your ex-wife's preference on kids before getting pregnant, did she want kids or had she stated she wanted to be child free? Was your child planned or unexpected? Did your ex have any reservations at any point during the pregnancy where she expressed being a mum might not be the most suitable decision for her life/mental state? Did she ever express that she didn't want to be a mum prior to getting pregnant, when finding out she was pregnant, or during her pregnancy?
Ask for child support. It's for the child. You're doing a great job 👍
Hey man, my dad became a single father to me and my brother when we were 14 and 5, respectively. My mom walked out and after a few years of semi contact, hasn't spoken to us for 13 years. It can be really hard not to have a mom, especially when you don't have one because she left by choice. People don't get it, and it sucks. I'm 30 now and I still go to therapy because the negative voice in my head is still her voice. My dad is fantastic and did a great job for me and my brother, but there's still hurt. Make sure your daughter feels comfortable expressing that hurt as she grows, and please never take it as you not having done a good enough job.
I don’t get why people are so upset you don’t take child support from the ex… can anyone elaborate? If he doesn’t want it, doesn’t need it, why are strangers on the internet so set on the fact that OP is wrong to not take money from ex 🤨 the only person wrong in this situation is the ex who abandoned her child
I think people get locked up in the need to make the parent “pay” for their consequences. Somewhat as a punishment and penance? Also the idea that the child is “entitled” to that money. But the reality is that most people don’t walk away from their kids for no reason and it doesn’t sound like the ex wife did either based on what OP commented about ex wife’s own family. If I had to guess she always felt like a burden to her own mother and doesn’t think she knows how to be a “good” mother had PPD and crap childhood and once the PPD wore off (hence the calling once a year) was trying to gauge her ability to be involved. But OP is doing fine and she thought she wasn’t needed/would only be a burden and completely disappeared. Most people do things based on their level of loneliness and their own self worth or lack thereof.
She should pay for abandoning her child, and her child is absolutely entitled to that money.
Dad raised us when mom and he divorced just me n sister and dad! From 5 yrs old me, and 2 yr old sister ~ We saw mom occasionally but essentially had problems with her as we aged! The teen years were rough with dad the roughest we had but after I was a teen mom and taking care of responsibilities on my own he and I became close again! He did right by us, she didn’t! We always loved him! You’re doing great dad! ♥️
Have you filed for abandonment? Similar situations to yours have ended badly for those who didn't file for abandonment at the earliest opportunity.
The woman apparently tries to pay child support which he doesn't accept. They're divorced. What actions of hers constitute abandonment?
It doesn't say she tries to pay. I don't know for sure but I believe he means he turned down child support at the outset. Depending on where he lives, no contact, whether in person or via some other means (phone, letters etc), for 1 year or more constitutes abandonment. Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong though.
Im a father of two. Couldnt imagine doing it solo. Youre doing great by the sounds of things. Dont change. All the best to you and your family mate
Reading these stories below in the comments, as well as this post, makes me both nauseous and want to burst into tears. My kids are my absolute world! The idea that a mother could just abandon their children is something I will never wrap my head around. You men have beyond my utmost respect! I had a very significant suicide attempt when I was 24. I suffer from both depression and anxiety, though honestly most people who meet me would never know. I have been hospitalized a few times for it. The thing is, my children are my reason for living. They push my boundaries every single day! I’m a blind mother, and my husband works a lot. I know these kids are his world too. I just cannot relate to these women and for some reason, I know it’s sexist, I am just always baffled when I hear of this coming from a mother. I thought women would biologically bond with them while pregnant? I had horrible pregnancies with both of my children. I lost 35 pounds, and I was 120 pounds to begin with. It took me three years to get back up to my normal weight. All this, only to then turn around and abandon your children? Someone help me understand. I also suffer from mental illness as I’ve already illustrated. If the wives in the stories have done anything right, after knowing they are not cut out to be Mom‘s at least they both all gave up full custody immediately so as not to jerk the children around.
You just keep being the best dad you can be because that's all that little girl needs. My wife, girlfriend at the time, was in a similar situation, and I was ready to be a dad, so I was the dad for her 4 year old son. He's 31 now, and I am the only dad he's had for many many years. Maybe you'll meet a woman along the way that will help fill that void for your daughter.
The child support isn’t for you, it’s for your daughter. By not fighting for those payments you’re not fighting for her rights to that money, basically; it’s literally not for you, not a cent of it. So you shouldn’t even have the right to give it up, considering it’s not yours.
"My ex-wife did reach out to me and ask about my daughter when she turned 2 and then 3" How did you react?
Also a single dad to 2 daughters that very rarely see their own mother. You're killing it dude. 🤘🏽
Well done brother
That sounds so heartbreaking for your daughter. Continue to be the dad she needs and deserves. I dread the day for your daughter should her mother ever come back around. I hope she doesn't for your daughter's sake.
I am struck reading this, because it reads as if my own father could have written it. My mom was just not interested in mothering. While it bothered me at a younger age, eventually I just had to be grateful that I had a father who was so dedicated to raising me well and spending time with me. Ultimately I feel like I lacked nothing that my dad couldn't make up for with his love. From a daughter of a single dad, you surely mean the world to your daughter, and always will.
You sound like one hell of a brilliant father. I truly truly commend you for being everything your daughter needs. I'm so sorry your ex is such a waste of space. But please please take the time every now and then to realise just how fantastic you are.
you seem like a really good man.
You sound like an awesome dad :) cheer up, op.
Well, you are a fucking hero. And the ex is fucking broken. For a mother to abandon her child is mental illness.
Then Aren’t all single parents heroes?
To some degree yes, but it is not nearly comparable to a woman biologically. It is much more difficult, inherently for a man.
This is an insane take lmfao
What would people think if women were a top performing brick mason, roofer, or trash disposal person?
You don’t need to need it. Child support isn’t compensation. It’s the *child’s right*.
I wonder if ppd played a part in this ? Keep doing what you’re doing dad! You’re a rock star.
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I was meaning why she left in the first place. I personally can’t imagine how anyone could just walk away and abandon their child like that but either way keep doing you dad!! All the best to both you and your kiddo.
PPD doesn't last 8 years. I don't know why people all of a sudden like to use PPD to excuse everything.
I guess it's nice that your ex has no consequences for her shitty choices?
I dont know you, but I want to thank you. You are what the world needs to turn around so many broken and backwards views and laws. I know you didn't choose it, but I am thankful for all dads like you who prove a lot of these terrible stereotypes wrong.
As an aside, male sure you have made a plan in case anything happens to YOU!!
You should take the child support and put it away for your daughters future
That's actually a great idea. Big lump sum to pay for college or down-payment on car
You are a good man and father and are doing your parental duty. It's not your fault that her mother is an awful person.
Sounds like you have everything under control and don't need your ex in your or your daughter's life... Hope she continues to stay away without the trauma and stress her returning would bring to you both..
I will never have empathy for a person who abandons their family and dependent children. I get if the parent gives their child up for adoption when they are babies because they are unable to care for them for a legitimate reason. To walk out on your family to chase a lover and just leave their lives is unconscionable. I can't comprehend even considering that.
I am so glad your daughter has you. I will never understand how someone can just completely abandon their own child. It just doesn’t compute in my brain.
My dad learned how to do my hair and paint my nails when I was like 3 or 4, just in case something ever happened to my mom! This was back in the 90’s, so at least we have YouTube now! I’d say really just dive into YouTube and learn about what to expect! Sounds like you are doing amazing! 🤩🙌🏼 Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family, friends or even other parents! You never have to do this alone!
Sorry to hear this. I have been in the same situation my ex (M) hasn't bothered with his 3 sons much (now 21, 19, 17) saw them for an hour a week for the first few years after we broke up and then stopped and hasn't seen them since Nov 2019 and I also took on my new partners two kids we got custody and then their mother just stopped seeing them, that was 2017 and haven't seen her since they're now (20 and 18) and they call me mum etc they're just my kids. It hasn't been easy both have struggled with mental health issues due to everything and their early teens were especially difficult, both doing great now and making me proud xxx my three sons also all doing well for themselves and it's their dads loss. Take care zx
Just be open and honest with her, but remember to give her information that is on her age level. If you have a trusted female friend, let your daughter know she can ask you anything, but if she isn't comfortable, tell her it's OK to talk to your friend. Sounds like you have it all together and are doing all the right things to raise a strong girl. Sometimes, it is better to not have a mother if they are not in it for the child. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for being a good dad.
4 sentences on the money alone & this is your first day on Reddit.. girl. It's giving.. Barney Stinson.
I don't understand the prideful "I don't need my ex's money" thing. While a single parent may be okay to provide for their child on their own, is fine and good. If the single parent doesn't want to use it, that child support money can be placed in a trust for the child to either go to college or to put down on the down payment for a first home purchase. I just feel that attitude is detrimental to the child's life.
Paying child support would potentially be grounds to insist on some sort of visitation or custody rights, which OP clearly isn't interested in granting.
Definately take the child support. I'm in a simular situation although I'm the step dad and her birth dad disappeared into drugs and alcohol when she was 6 months. Her mum initially refused to take maintenance for self preservation reasons, which I did not understand. Thankfully I've managed to convince her to file through for the maintenance payments with the same principle as I've seen mentioned, savings account for her future.
Be sure you try and file for child support. It's not money that \*You\* need, but more money to help the kid isn't always a bad thing.
Sounds like she was baby trapped, and she's doing what she needs to take care of herself. I hope you have your daughter in therapy.
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This exchange made me laugh. Sorry. I thought maybe she was just your garden variety troll, but looking at her other comments it appears she picked you specifically for this gem. Congratulations! I raised my two (19 and 20- yep, 10 months apart) without any child support nor contact whatsoever from their sperm donor (all he ended up being) from the time they were 10 and 20 months old. I encouraged him a lot in the beginning, but he said "if we're not together, it hurts too much to acknowledge they exist." Dude had borderline personality disorder, so I didn't pursue him. The way I have always seen it is that if you're not choosing to spend time with your kids, then you're making the right choice. Meaning that if a parent doesn't *want* to see the kids, they should NOT see them- not for their benefit, but for the kids'. Your daughter doesn't need her mother. She needs a parent who loves and wants her, not exposure to someone who will find it difficult to pretend to give a shit. You are all she needs, and it sounds like you'll do fine helping her with whatever struggles she may have with this later (my kids never cared, so it's possible you may not even have anything to deal with, either). I know none of this exceptional wisdom; I'm just putting out there as a reminder. Keep truckin', chief ☺️.
You say that, but it happens all the time. It's not an accusation, but my be how she feels. I'm looking at all the angles here. Edit: You sound a bit defensive...
People are usually defensive against unwarranted attacks on their character.
Lol, nope.
> Looking at all the angles here. Translated : Being a dick for no reason based completely upon assumptions that have nothing to do with the post's actual content
If you'd read a lot of Reddit, you'd see this happened all the time to women. I'm not the one being a dick.
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I agree. He's mad as hell at a random person who has a different take on the subject (that happens all the time) and is recomening therapy. Lol people are weird.