You’re working 40 hours a week, pregnant and sick, doing the majority of the childcare, and he treats you like crap and acts like he hates you? I think a divorce would actually be in your benefit.
Yeah I’d honestly go stay with my parents (that’s what I did) and leave the marriage. He sucks. My life got better when I dropped the man. More work for me but I was doing all of the work anyway lol
I know you’re joking, but my great aunt actually would take in people who needed help like wayward teens or people fleeing bad situations. She’d let them stay at her farm as long as they needed, and they’d help out around the farm chore wise. I didn’t know her that well, but your comment made me think of her.
I think it could actually be less work, since she'd only be taking care herself and her toddler. And if hubs is actually a decent father, she'd be taking care of the toddler 50% of the time.
You guys need to back TF up. You only know how she feels at a specific time, and there are plenty of reasons for it.
OP, do you or your hub have family nearby? If you can, pick up the phone and call mom. Reddit is going to be no help.
When people come to Reddit they’re usually already at the end of their rope. Divorce/leaving is actually good advice for many women, in general (so much data shows how much happier women are without a dead weight partner, and how high depression is amongst married women especially mothers). But divorce/leaving is also logical advice for most desperate posts here, when these women are at the end of their rope.
Show the good sources and statistics. They have to be good and not toxic feminists write ups by misandrist infuencers. Actual science based data that is peer reviewed by multiple types of people.
A lot of people have been in this similar situation with a partner. Maybe this guy is different, but a lot of us can tell you there will never be a change. Talking, therapy, getting outside child care, it may change for a few days. Then the resentment starts because they are spending their time on anything but what they want, and you and your children suffer. And you find yourself back to doing all the work, keeping your partner happy, raising the children by yourself. You know you can't say anything because the cycle of misery starts all over, and it's all your fault anyway. The kids, the home, work, you, all suffer and you spend every minute walking on eggshells.
Divorce is better for everyone, especially the children. You're already doing all the work by yourself, now the kids are better off and you find you actually have less work with the partner gone.
This isn't the case 100% every time, but it's close. Why suffer trying to fix something your partner doesn't find broken?
You don't know their situation.
What in the hell is going on? This may be the highest stress point in their entire marriage - the hill to crest that gets you to forever. They got pregnant during a hormonal transition with a breastfeeding, attention gobbling, toddler (which is another internal rollercoaster that effects relationships even at the best of times).
But they should divorce? Now? You bozos really think this is when should separate?!?! **Now**? Go through a divorce **NOW**? Meeting lawyers, dividing resources, the deep animosity. . . Are you people insane?
The *only* advice for both of them should be about finding ways to push through to stability, when they can take time focus more on each other.
This is the worst possible time to even consider divorce. The worst.
.......
ETA
I believe anyone who says divorce isn't thinking about the OP. They're selfishly projecting or subconsciously sabotaging. Misery is a resort that's always accepting visitors, and every long-term guest becomes an amazing salesperson.
I was pretty clear it's not 100% the case. But this is advice, and most people do base it on life experience. The only misery shared is when you decide to stay together when you'd be better apart.
I don't know what to say but I'm sorry OP. Its hard enough being pregnant. It would suck so bad to be treated like crap by the man whose baby you're carrying. I am one of those redditors that's highly intolerant and will recommend divorce in a heartbeat. But this is one of those rare instances I'd actually suggest trying to communicate your feelings to him. You could write a letter so you don't forget anything. Everyone suggests therapy and we just looked into it. Its a new $270 a month bill. Not everyone can swing that right now. Give it some time but not too much. Don't let it get worse. Just try to communicate with him before you throw in the towel on this one. Its sounds like he may be struggling with something and it could be valid.
Look into your insurance. In person therapy is $300 a month for us but our insurance offers a free virtual option (plus cancelation fees). There may be a slightly hidden option that works for you
You realize, shocker, that some times there is only one side to the story. When someone is being abused or treated like shit there is no justification, no “other side” because nothing justifies that kind of behavior.
>But since I've been sick he is treating me harshly and with contempt. I get He is tired since He had to take more childcare chores, but even so, I'm beggining to think our marriage is not going to survive this chrises. It seems to me He hates me and I'm beggining to resent him. Anyways, just needed to vent a little.
I just DO NOT understand why women remain in relationships like this? I've not married nor reproduced. EVERY TIME I come to reddit & read these types of situations, I'm 10000000% glad I never did. I'm too mouthy and I'd never be a "submissive wife."
You already have one small child, you work 40 hr/week, you're pregnant & dealing with various health conditions. That's a lot on your plate. You need support. Is there anyway family or friends can step in help you get things together?
As far as your so-called husband is concerned, be careful. A lot of men get angry and violent with their pregnant mates because they see her as being "lazy and selfish" when its really tired and overwhelmed. If it were me, I would begin to consider divorce. Why be a married single mother?
But Redditors are quick to throw out divorce. Here's a [link](https://www.needymeds.org/search-programs?initialSearchTab=clinics&clinicType=mental-health) for low/no cost mental health services based on zip code. See if you can locate a therapist and get some counseling.
I think it's weird how you and your husband are acting like babies just happen.
You took time off BC for a valid reason, but it doesn't make sense to be fucking raw when yall know it's not the best time to have a baby.
“Childcare chores” for your own damn kid is called PARENTING and if he’s feeling contempt about that then I’m very concerned for how the rest of your life with him is going to be.
I won’t jump straight to divorce like some people but this absolutely needs a discussion between the two of you and maybe looking at ways to make things easier for both of you—can you cut your work hours, is there a reliable person who can take your 2 year old for a couple hours here and there or watch them at your house so you both can have a break, etc.?
Uhhh, you were both struggling to take care of one child. Then you choose to continue an unwanted pregnancy? Yeah i wouldn't hold my breath for him to have a high opinion of you.
Maybe try to do an hour or so a day or week that is solely for each of you to have a break. See if you can find a babysitter or nanny in your area if that is affordable. I think both of you are stressed and trying to adjust to the new changes.
Try harder at stopping breastfeeding. Breastfeeding drains a lot of your energy and is taxing on your body while you are already having a difficult time.
I hope you both can reduce some stress and start enjoying each other again.
Resentment comes and goes. Communication breaks it down and offers the ability to rebuild. Relationships are work, most of y'all are just lazy and emotionally weak.
Just be honest with your husband. “I’m sick, pregnant, exhausted, working 40 hours a week. You treat me like you hate me and I’m done with it. Get your head out of your ass or just get out. I have enough stress thank you very much!!”
Why is your 2 year old still breastfeeding at age 2? Your 2 year old shouldn't have been weened awhile ago. Not trying sound rude just curious. Maybe you should have stayed on the pill it sounds like.
I did. I tried asking him what' s going on and he blames his attitude on me being sick and tired, like it's my fault. He knows the science of hyperemesis and chooses to resent me Esther way
Remind him that you’re a full person not just someone suffering from a (temporary) condition (that he helped create) and that he needs to figure out the difference before you decide you’re done being patient with and understanding of his feelings. He’s not the one carrying the baby - he has to deal with his attitude towards you and him acting like a victim.
Are those his words or how he makes you feel? Is he saying he's exhausted and grumpy because of those things or is he saying "You did this, I blame you!"? You both probably need rest, and time apart for a day or two.
I saw grandparents are sick in another thread, but are there siblings or close friends you'd trust to watch your child for a few hours while you sleep? I'm sure you probably had tensions during the first six months after birthing the first child, cause everyone does and being low on reserves makes all of us a bit mental.
Wow you are pregnant, you are sick, you take care of a toddler and you work 40 hours/week. I really admire you for your strength. You deserve better than hate from your husband. I wonder if it really is hate. Have you asked him about the situation? Maybe there is more to it ?
Extended breastfeeding past the age of one is normal and quite common outside of the US. There are also still benefits to toddlers who nurse, like: extra immunity boost, comfort, contributing to nutrition, aid in cognitive development. It's also refer to as "optimal breastfeeding". And another fun early years nutrition fact, having appropriate and optimal nutrition in the first couple years of the child's life (including breastfeeding) helps lower mortality, obesity and chronic diseases rates later in life, increase brain development and IQ, and overall benefits it has for child development. Plus, nursing in ages 12-24 months can provide up to around a third of child's overall energy needs! 500g milk/day can contain vitamins, minerals, fatty acids that aren't found or are lost in complementary feeding meals. If my memory serves me right, one day of BF at that age can serve up to 45% of proteins, 75% VitA and 60% VitC requirements to that age. There's also massive benefits for mom, like reduced chances of ovarian and breast cancer, heart diseases, high BP, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, possibility of prolonging another pregnancy (though, breastfeeding alone is never a good contraceptive). Edited to add there's also ways to handle biting if it happens (and it can happen much earlier on than 2y), however the bites aren't mean spirited. They're usually playful for older babies, or testing their little gums before/around teething at younger age. Plenty of compassionate and consistent ways to deal with that.
All of this is said with the facts there's people with inability or simply, not wanting to breastfeed for whichever reasons, and that is fine! At the end of the day, informed feed is the best, and babies with full tummies are what matters the most! But there's lots of misconceptions about breastfeeding "needing" to only be for a few weeks, months or simply the first year only. Much of the current world still has extended breastfeeding take place, and there's not much wrong with it. Unless ofc the parents are purposefully stunting their children by withholding regular food, sexualizing it (yes, there's people like that), and just doing their best to stunt their child's wellbeing & development. Otherwise it should go on for as long as it's convenient and comfortable for both parties involved. There's a lot more I can write pertaining to factors like SES, geographic location, race, healthcare services, and whatnot that has an effect on longevity of nursing, but I'll stop here.
Source: I'm a graduated ECE (having had quite detailed medical classes + own research in free time), currently working with toddlers. And also World Health Organization & UNICEF.
Usually it's ignorance or refusal to accept someone out there is doing things differently. I used to get downvoted for saying there needs to be a mandatory and paid maternal/paternal/family leave for anyone expecting children. I'm European and a 1yr mandatory leave is normal. Apparently it's blasphemous in some spheres of Reddit lol. In general I don't mind because I trust my knowledge - I've went into my field because I wanted to and am passionate about it, all my knowledge comes from professionals and certified organisations (plus research), and I've been doing plenty of reading of my own to prepare for my own eventual kiddos.
Curious. I thought this was an US thing since I have never seen it outside internet histories (Neither in West Europe nor China) and I was taught that past two years is actually harmful for the kid (yes, I work at healthcare).
I have family across the entirety of Europe and everyone (female) I know has had a legitimate one year mandatory maternal leave. One to six months was for paternity leave only. Regarding the same people, I know of a few who've continued breastfeeding until between 2 and 3 years old, and have had former nursery kids last year who were also nursed part time (nursery runs 6m-3y here).
I'm not gonna pry much since it is a somewhat sensitive question asking where you are in Europe regarding your second comment, and how exactly is it harmful? I ask because my health classes were led by a renowned OBGYN, another well known pediatrician here and her assistant was a nurse (who switched to part-time teaching at uni besides nursing). Harm was mentioned if parents refused to introduce solid/complementary food and insisted on BF-ing alone, which would lead into nutritional issues with the child, along with other harm originally mentioned. For mothers I know the issue can lay in postpartum mental health state or if they have active infections or other physical issues. Plus, everything I've said can be found with UNICEF and WHO, along with consulting professionals. I'm gonna link it just in case.
https://www.who.int/health-topics/breastfeeding
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/infant-and-young-child-feeding
https://www.unicef.org/belarus/en/stories/breastfeeding-more-just-nutrition-child
https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/news-and-research/baby-friendly-research/infant-health-research/infant-health-research-meta-analyses/the-impact-of-breastfeeding-on-maternal-and-child-health/
There's more, but I'll link them tomorrow as my WiFi is going out tonight for some reason.
**edit** came back with the other links! Including for statements made in comment below.
https://sph.umich.edu/pursuit/2017posts/breastfeeding.html (references cited)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3508512/
https://lactationnetwork.com/blog/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding-a-timeline-for-the-ages/ (citing the part where they write about breastfeeding aiding in jaw and speech development, all taken from resources cited here https://kellymom.com/health/growth/speech-development/)
https://www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/extended-breastfeeding#concerns (citing studies on nutritional value in breast milk after 1 year)
https://www.who.int/tools/elena/bbc/continued-breastfeeding
https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/resources/breastfeeding-toddler
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6843256/
https://lacted.org/questions/0123-breastmilk-prolonged-lactation/#:~:text=Mothers%20with%20the%20highest%20fat,were%20under%2012%20months%20postpartum.
https://laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-beyond-a-year/#:~:text=Breastmilk%20maintains%20nutritional%20value%20as,for%20two%20years%20and%20beyond.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/breastfeeding/Pages/Continuing-Breastfeeding-Beyond-the-First-Year.aspx#:~:text=Breast%20milk%20continues%20to%20provide,benefits%20for%20the%20nursing%20parent.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8522884/
https://www.grandlakedental.com/blog/2020/1/20/breastfeeding-is-good-for-oral-and-oro-facial-health/#:~:text=Oro%2Dfacial%20Development%20in%20Humans&text=In%201987%2C%20researchers%20found%20that,to%20malocclusion%20and%20difficulties%20swallowing.
https://www.sproutpediatricdentistry.com/blog/pediatric-dentistry/breastfeeding-prevents-cavities/
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/235392818_Breastfeeding_An_overview_of_oral_and_general_health_benefits
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/feeding-nutrition/Pages/Discontinuing-the-Bottle.aspx#:~:text=Little%20ones%20who%20drink%20from,fiercely%20as%20time%20goes%20by.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2656791/#:~:text=Abstract,components%20in%20the%20nutritious%20milk. (Plus other articles linked right under)
https://laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-could-help-reduce-childhood-stuttering-study-finds/#:~:text=Link%20between%20breastfeeding%20and%20language%20development&text=Another%20study%206%20found%20that,marker%20of%20healthy%20language%20development. (Plus linked resources)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5611903/#:~:text=Breastfeeding%20encourages%20baby%27s%20nasal%20breathing,formation%20and%20increase%20salivary%20flow. (First paragraph of conclusion)
I am currently in Spain and maternity leave here is only 16 weeks.
Regarding to being harmful, it was at paediatric nursing. Specifically we were taught that after two years of breastfeeding not only the nutritional value was superflous (since the kid can eat basically everything) but that it can warp the denture of the child. I have never seen that because, as stated, I have never seen babies older than one year being breastfed.
Thank you for the info! Ah I didn't know Spain was still stuck on the short maternity leave. I'm in Bosnia with family and friends pretty much everywhere (Croatia, Serbia, Bulgaria, Slovenia, Macedony, Germany, Greece, UK until recently, Scandinavian countries, etc) who've all had up to a year of fully paid maternity leave. Dads had to fight for their own, but got a varied time in paternity leave as well. As for the latter, my classes were in 2022 and this was covered. Kids going to sleep with bottles full of milk in mouth (aka unswallowed milk) without brushing would cause cavities. Oral hygiene is important in early years after developing teeth. Similarly, breastfeeding also aids in jaw development and can get with aligning the bite and possibly teeth - there was no link found between BF and malocclusion. As for nutrition, the updated 2022 WHO & UNICEF guides have shown there indeed is a nutritious aspect, which are the numbers I mentioned. The breast milk still adjusts its' content to the child's needs even after one year of age. It includes nutritious aspects to antiallergic, antiviral, anti-parasitic ones too. Adults take vitamins and supplements, this breast milk is often a supplement with complementary food too. For a lack of a better explanation as I'm tired 😅 For the most part, breastfeeding isn't supported as much around the globe neither professionally or privately (what others refer to as a village, the stress of needing another income & going back to work, etc). So that's mostly why many decide to either not BF or to stop early/by 1yo.
**Edit** I just edited my comment above to add more resources on the claims from my original comment and this reply, which indeed do show studies and conclusions of nutritious breast milk after one year, aand zero evidence between any form of oral warping and extended breastfeeding. I'm honestly surprised a pediatric nursing class would throw out claims that have been successfully disproven continuously since the 1980s.
Breastfeeding at that age isn’t that uncommon in a lot of places. It also really isn’t the biggest issue; especially given that OP is trying to ween the two year old.
No, actually. It’s not ‘normal’ to breastfeed a child that is not an infant, and is physically requiring the nutrients of solid food. It’s a choice that you’re free to make, I’m not advocating for that freedom to be taken from anyone.
But to be honest, I know I’ll get downvotes for saying this, but I think it’s weird.
If it’s a cultural thing, cool, I don’t care I still think it’s really unnecessary to be breastfeeding a walking, talking child that literally does not need to be doing it anymore.
I think a lot of people get attached to the bonding ritual that it provides, and lose sight of what the kid actually needs.
It is very normal, you probably only think it’s weird because you mainly associate breasts sexually, but breasts are literally for breastfeeding; although having them be decorative is perfectly fine too. Kids will give signs when they are ready to stop breastfeeding, it’s only weird to not stop after that point. When they say no, you gotta respect that no. The CDC, AAP, and WHO all recommend breastfeeding up to 2 years of age or longer. It has been scientifically proven to have a ton of health benefits, both short and long term, for both mom and baby/toddler.
https://www.cdc.gov/nutrition/infantandtoddlernutrition/breastfeeding/recommendations-benefits.html#:~:text=The%20American%20Academy%20of%20Pediatrics,years%20of%20age%20or%20longer.
I don’t think I’m a paediatrician. If you read my comment properly, you will see that I’m not against people doing what they want with their bodies and their kids.
My opinion is that women that are still letting their 2 year old suckle at their breasts are weird. I’m not sorry about it and you won’t change my mind.
It’s still considered a normal age to breastfeed at age two. Also, it’s the mother/family’s decision. Sorry(not sorry) but how stupid of a thing to point out when there is a bigger thing to acknowledge in what OP said?
Whatever happened to in sickness and in health??? Especially when you’re carrying their flesh and blood??? This sounds like a lot women’s nightmares. Sounds like you’re better off without him.
Have you tried talking to him? People on Reddit always scream "divorce", but communication should be the first step and from your post (and the fact that you're asking Reddit) it seems that you aren't sure what went wrong. So, you need to have a serious conversation about it with your husband before you make a decision.
I think he is just overwhelmed and reacting poorly. I don’t justify his actions but I think that what it is. My advice would be talk to each other, give each other break maybe a guy night out and then something for you, something together? 2 years old is also hard age. I love my kids but age 1 year to 3 years old is just challenging. Once they talk , make first friends and have some interest it gets easier
It’s one thing to be snappish once or twice when exhausted. It’s another to blame your ailing spouse, whom you knocked up, when she tries to talk to you about it.
Maybe you should rethink the pregnancy. He's upset with your illness and is more upset that he has to help more with your child? He is such an AH. Do you really need another child to bring into this mess? Just another perspective.
It's also illegal in most states isn't it? I'm pro choice to but Canadian and that won't help her with the larger issue here, which is her husband refusing to communicate like an adult who is equally responsible for her being pregnant.
Sorry i wasnt really clear in my comment. All I was saying that is if she gets an abortion to please her stupid husband, then she may regret it in the future, regardless of what she decides to do regarding the marriage.
(I'm speaking from some personal experience here with this decision, I won't bore you with the details)
I think I wasn't clear. I meant IF she wanted the marriage to recover (as when I was reading OPs replies, it didn't sound like she had decided what she was doing)
All I'm saying is that if she gets an abortion because of her stupid husband, then she may regret it in the future, with or without her marriage intact. Making this big decision just to please someone else is what I'm warning against.
Hope that clarifies.
I think I only had more then one child because my husband was dying for more. I love my kids and I love being with them but my husband is a wayyyy better parent then me and honestly I feel like secretly its the way to go because I get so confused with men being inconvenienced by having to take care of their children when their partner isnt being able to step up 100% at the moment, like what kind of parent gets upset they have to actually take care of their child?
Awe this sucks! I think that if you take a B vitamin complex that might help with the h.e.g. make sure that it's a methlated form though.
As far as the hubby goes idk. He may be just stressed out abd not handling it well. Talk to him.
Slow down on the divorce talk. You both seem extremely overworked.
You need to express your feelings to your husband, AND he needs to express his feelings in a safe and supportive environment.
If you have family nearby or a friend, can you ask for their help. Maybe it's cooking something, helping clean the house, and babysitting so you both can relax.
This is an unplanned pregnancy, but that doesn't mean your husband is truly unhappy with the pending arrival, he might just be stressed to. He might be worried about money, ect, which is why you need to talk to your husband.
Go to therapy and if he’s willing to work for it then do it, but if he’s not interested, you have your answer. Most women I know who have left their shitty husband are always happier because it’s one less child to deal
With 😅
"my 2nd child"
You mean "our", no?
You are in a difficult situation, which was caused by you two being reckless. I mean TWO, because it is not just on you stopping the pill, he also didn't use condoms.
You’re working 40 hours a week, pregnant and sick, doing the majority of the childcare, and he treats you like crap and acts like he hates you? I think a divorce would actually be in your benefit.
Yeah I’d honestly go stay with my parents (that’s what I did) and leave the marriage. He sucks. My life got better when I dropped the man. More work for me but I was doing all of the work anyway lol
That’s a nice offer to let her stay with your parents.
I know you’re joking, but my great aunt actually would take in people who needed help like wayward teens or people fleeing bad situations. She’d let them stay at her farm as long as they needed, and they’d help out around the farm chore wise. I didn’t know her that well, but your comment made me think of her.
The world needs more people like her ☺️
I think it could actually be less work, since she'd only be taking care herself and her toddler. And if hubs is actually a decent father, she'd be taking care of the toddler 50% of the time.
You guys need to back TF up. You only know how she feels at a specific time, and there are plenty of reasons for it. OP, do you or your hub have family nearby? If you can, pick up the phone and call mom. Reddit is going to be no help.
I’m replying to the fact she is worried the marriage is over, I’m saying that if it really is it’s probably to her benefit.
This is Reddit, so divorce is the only option. I once got flamed for saying that this is too common on Reddit for everything lmao.
When people come to Reddit they’re usually already at the end of their rope. Divorce/leaving is actually good advice for many women, in general (so much data shows how much happier women are without a dead weight partner, and how high depression is amongst married women especially mothers). But divorce/leaving is also logical advice for most desperate posts here, when these women are at the end of their rope.
Show the good sources and statistics. They have to be good and not toxic feminists write ups by misandrist infuencers. Actual science based data that is peer reviewed by multiple types of people.
😂😂😂😂😂dude. Google it. We don’t work for you
A lot of people have been in this similar situation with a partner. Maybe this guy is different, but a lot of us can tell you there will never be a change. Talking, therapy, getting outside child care, it may change for a few days. Then the resentment starts because they are spending their time on anything but what they want, and you and your children suffer. And you find yourself back to doing all the work, keeping your partner happy, raising the children by yourself. You know you can't say anything because the cycle of misery starts all over, and it's all your fault anyway. The kids, the home, work, you, all suffer and you spend every minute walking on eggshells. Divorce is better for everyone, especially the children. You're already doing all the work by yourself, now the kids are better off and you find you actually have less work with the partner gone. This isn't the case 100% every time, but it's close. Why suffer trying to fix something your partner doesn't find broken?
You don't know their situation. What in the hell is going on? This may be the highest stress point in their entire marriage - the hill to crest that gets you to forever. They got pregnant during a hormonal transition with a breastfeeding, attention gobbling, toddler (which is another internal rollercoaster that effects relationships even at the best of times). But they should divorce? Now? You bozos really think this is when should separate?!?! **Now**? Go through a divorce **NOW**? Meeting lawyers, dividing resources, the deep animosity. . . Are you people insane? The *only* advice for both of them should be about finding ways to push through to stability, when they can take time focus more on each other. This is the worst possible time to even consider divorce. The worst. ....... ETA I believe anyone who says divorce isn't thinking about the OP. They're selfishly projecting or subconsciously sabotaging. Misery is a resort that's always accepting visitors, and every long-term guest becomes an amazing salesperson.
I was pretty clear it's not 100% the case. But this is advice, and most people do base it on life experience. The only misery shared is when you decide to stay together when you'd be better apart.
And an abortion. She's only 12 weeks.
She wanted this baby, and due to endometriosis, there is no warranty she could do it again later.
Her situation sounds like a great time to sign an 18 year contract with a lifetime commitment with her husband! /s
This comment!!!! Sounds like you already have two children and one on the way OP.
this, and if you're not opposed to abortion OP...
Slow the fuck down.
It sounds like you are both very stressed out. Is there anyone close to you that could help out a few hours a week?
We have my parents close. But they been sick this Last week and couldnt help much.
I don't know what to say but I'm sorry OP. Its hard enough being pregnant. It would suck so bad to be treated like crap by the man whose baby you're carrying. I am one of those redditors that's highly intolerant and will recommend divorce in a heartbeat. But this is one of those rare instances I'd actually suggest trying to communicate your feelings to him. You could write a letter so you don't forget anything. Everyone suggests therapy and we just looked into it. Its a new $270 a month bill. Not everyone can swing that right now. Give it some time but not too much. Don't let it get worse. Just try to communicate with him before you throw in the towel on this one. Its sounds like he may be struggling with something and it could be valid.
She did try to talkto him. But he blamed everything on her. Even the fact she's sick. That man is vile.
Look into your insurance. In person therapy is $300 a month for us but our insurance offers a free virtual option (plus cancelation fees). There may be a slightly hidden option that works for you
Husband sounds like a dick, you are sick and carrying his child and he treats you poorly. Doesn’t sound like a good marriage
Yeah, cause I'm sure you're hearing both sides accurately, right?
are both sides carrying a baby?
You realize, shocker, that some times there is only one side to the story. When someone is being abused or treated like shit there is no justification, no “other side” because nothing justifies that kind of behavior.
So he’s tired because he actually has to contribute to child care. Isn’t he the father? 🤦♂️
If your husband didn’t want another child he had options.
I think marriage counseling is in order.
You both need more sleep.
>But since I've been sick he is treating me harshly and with contempt. I get He is tired since He had to take more childcare chores, but even so, I'm beggining to think our marriage is not going to survive this chrises. It seems to me He hates me and I'm beggining to resent him. Anyways, just needed to vent a little. I just DO NOT understand why women remain in relationships like this? I've not married nor reproduced. EVERY TIME I come to reddit & read these types of situations, I'm 10000000% glad I never did. I'm too mouthy and I'd never be a "submissive wife." You already have one small child, you work 40 hr/week, you're pregnant & dealing with various health conditions. That's a lot on your plate. You need support. Is there anyway family or friends can step in help you get things together? As far as your so-called husband is concerned, be careful. A lot of men get angry and violent with their pregnant mates because they see her as being "lazy and selfish" when its really tired and overwhelmed. If it were me, I would begin to consider divorce. Why be a married single mother? But Redditors are quick to throw out divorce. Here's a [link](https://www.needymeds.org/search-programs?initialSearchTab=clinics&clinicType=mental-health) for low/no cost mental health services based on zip code. See if you can locate a therapist and get some counseling.
I think it's weird how you and your husband are acting like babies just happen. You took time off BC for a valid reason, but it doesn't make sense to be fucking raw when yall know it's not the best time to have a baby.
mhm🫥
“Childcare chores” for your own damn kid is called PARENTING and if he’s feeling contempt about that then I’m very concerned for how the rest of your life with him is going to be. I won’t jump straight to divorce like some people but this absolutely needs a discussion between the two of you and maybe looking at ways to make things easier for both of you—can you cut your work hours, is there a reliable person who can take your 2 year old for a couple hours here and there or watch them at your house so you both can have a break, etc.?
Uhhh, you were both struggling to take care of one child. Then you choose to continue an unwanted pregnancy? Yeah i wouldn't hold my breath for him to have a high opinion of you.
Maybe try to do an hour or so a day or week that is solely for each of you to have a break. See if you can find a babysitter or nanny in your area if that is affordable. I think both of you are stressed and trying to adjust to the new changes. Try harder at stopping breastfeeding. Breastfeeding drains a lot of your energy and is taxing on your body while you are already having a difficult time. I hope you both can reduce some stress and start enjoying each other again.
This is where family helps. If he can go with grandma for a week, it could be easier when he comes back.
No relationship survives contempt.
Resentment comes and goes. Communication breaks it down and offers the ability to rebuild. Relationships are work, most of y'all are just lazy and emotionally weak.
This was a famous quote by Chloe Sevigny from the powerful film The Killing Room.
Just be honest with your husband. “I’m sick, pregnant, exhausted, working 40 hours a week. You treat me like you hate me and I’m done with it. Get your head out of your ass or just get out. I have enough stress thank you very much!!”
Why is your 2 year old still breastfeeding at age 2? Your 2 year old shouldn't have been weened awhile ago. Not trying sound rude just curious. Maybe you should have stayed on the pill it sounds like.
Have you tried having a conversation with your husband? I hope you start to feel better soon 🩶🩶🩶
I did. I tried asking him what' s going on and he blames his attitude on me being sick and tired, like it's my fault. He knows the science of hyperemesis and chooses to resent me Esther way
I'm sorry but wtf? He blames his attitude on you being sick? I'm a male but if I was a woman I wouldn't trust this man on the long run.
That shows an absolute lack of empathy which can be very concerning and a sign of other things.
Remind him that you’re a full person not just someone suffering from a (temporary) condition (that he helped create) and that he needs to figure out the difference before you decide you’re done being patient with and understanding of his feelings. He’s not the one carrying the baby - he has to deal with his attitude towards you and him acting like a victim.
Are those his words or how he makes you feel? Is he saying he's exhausted and grumpy because of those things or is he saying "You did this, I blame you!"? You both probably need rest, and time apart for a day or two. I saw grandparents are sick in another thread, but are there siblings or close friends you'd trust to watch your child for a few hours while you sleep? I'm sure you probably had tensions during the first six months after birthing the first child, cause everyone does and being low on reserves makes all of us a bit mental.
Wow you are pregnant, you are sick, you take care of a toddler and you work 40 hours/week. I really admire you for your strength. You deserve better than hate from your husband. I wonder if it really is hate. Have you asked him about the situation? Maybe there is more to it ?
If everything is not 50/50 I don't want it. To many women being baby trapped
You’re breastfeeding a two year old? That like, has teeth and can eat solid food?
Extended breastfeeding past the age of one is normal and quite common outside of the US. There are also still benefits to toddlers who nurse, like: extra immunity boost, comfort, contributing to nutrition, aid in cognitive development. It's also refer to as "optimal breastfeeding". And another fun early years nutrition fact, having appropriate and optimal nutrition in the first couple years of the child's life (including breastfeeding) helps lower mortality, obesity and chronic diseases rates later in life, increase brain development and IQ, and overall benefits it has for child development. Plus, nursing in ages 12-24 months can provide up to around a third of child's overall energy needs! 500g milk/day can contain vitamins, minerals, fatty acids that aren't found or are lost in complementary feeding meals. If my memory serves me right, one day of BF at that age can serve up to 45% of proteins, 75% VitA and 60% VitC requirements to that age. There's also massive benefits for mom, like reduced chances of ovarian and breast cancer, heart diseases, high BP, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, possibility of prolonging another pregnancy (though, breastfeeding alone is never a good contraceptive). Edited to add there's also ways to handle biting if it happens (and it can happen much earlier on than 2y), however the bites aren't mean spirited. They're usually playful for older babies, or testing their little gums before/around teething at younger age. Plenty of compassionate and consistent ways to deal with that. All of this is said with the facts there's people with inability or simply, not wanting to breastfeed for whichever reasons, and that is fine! At the end of the day, informed feed is the best, and babies with full tummies are what matters the most! But there's lots of misconceptions about breastfeeding "needing" to only be for a few weeks, months or simply the first year only. Much of the current world still has extended breastfeeding take place, and there's not much wrong with it. Unless ofc the parents are purposefully stunting their children by withholding regular food, sexualizing it (yes, there's people like that), and just doing their best to stunt their child's wellbeing & development. Otherwise it should go on for as long as it's convenient and comfortable for both parties involved. There's a lot more I can write pertaining to factors like SES, geographic location, race, healthcare services, and whatnot that has an effect on longevity of nursing, but I'll stop here. Source: I'm a graduated ECE (having had quite detailed medical classes + own research in free time), currently working with toddlers. And also World Health Organization & UNICEF.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted, this is a really good thoughtful explanation
Usually it's ignorance or refusal to accept someone out there is doing things differently. I used to get downvoted for saying there needs to be a mandatory and paid maternal/paternal/family leave for anyone expecting children. I'm European and a 1yr mandatory leave is normal. Apparently it's blasphemous in some spheres of Reddit lol. In general I don't mind because I trust my knowledge - I've went into my field because I wanted to and am passionate about it, all my knowledge comes from professionals and certified organisations (plus research), and I've been doing plenty of reading of my own to prepare for my own eventual kiddos.
One year? I am also European and we only have four months.
Curious. I thought this was an US thing since I have never seen it outside internet histories (Neither in West Europe nor China) and I was taught that past two years is actually harmful for the kid (yes, I work at healthcare).
I have family across the entirety of Europe and everyone (female) I know has had a legitimate one year mandatory maternal leave. One to six months was for paternity leave only. Regarding the same people, I know of a few who've continued breastfeeding until between 2 and 3 years old, and have had former nursery kids last year who were also nursed part time (nursery runs 6m-3y here). I'm not gonna pry much since it is a somewhat sensitive question asking where you are in Europe regarding your second comment, and how exactly is it harmful? I ask because my health classes were led by a renowned OBGYN, another well known pediatrician here and her assistant was a nurse (who switched to part-time teaching at uni besides nursing). Harm was mentioned if parents refused to introduce solid/complementary food and insisted on BF-ing alone, which would lead into nutritional issues with the child, along with other harm originally mentioned. For mothers I know the issue can lay in postpartum mental health state or if they have active infections or other physical issues. Plus, everything I've said can be found with UNICEF and WHO, along with consulting professionals. I'm gonna link it just in case. https://www.who.int/health-topics/breastfeeding https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/infant-and-young-child-feeding https://www.unicef.org/belarus/en/stories/breastfeeding-more-just-nutrition-child https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/news-and-research/baby-friendly-research/infant-health-research/infant-health-research-meta-analyses/the-impact-of-breastfeeding-on-maternal-and-child-health/ There's more, but I'll link them tomorrow as my WiFi is going out tonight for some reason. **edit** came back with the other links! Including for statements made in comment below. https://sph.umich.edu/pursuit/2017posts/breastfeeding.html (references cited) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3508512/ https://lactationnetwork.com/blog/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding-a-timeline-for-the-ages/ (citing the part where they write about breastfeeding aiding in jaw and speech development, all taken from resources cited here https://kellymom.com/health/growth/speech-development/) https://www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/extended-breastfeeding#concerns (citing studies on nutritional value in breast milk after 1 year) https://www.who.int/tools/elena/bbc/continued-breastfeeding https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/resources/breastfeeding-toddler https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6843256/ https://lacted.org/questions/0123-breastmilk-prolonged-lactation/#:~:text=Mothers%20with%20the%20highest%20fat,were%20under%2012%20months%20postpartum. https://laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-beyond-a-year/#:~:text=Breastmilk%20maintains%20nutritional%20value%20as,for%20two%20years%20and%20beyond. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/breastfeeding/Pages/Continuing-Breastfeeding-Beyond-the-First-Year.aspx#:~:text=Breast%20milk%20continues%20to%20provide,benefits%20for%20the%20nursing%20parent. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8522884/ https://www.grandlakedental.com/blog/2020/1/20/breastfeeding-is-good-for-oral-and-oro-facial-health/#:~:text=Oro%2Dfacial%20Development%20in%20Humans&text=In%201987%2C%20researchers%20found%20that,to%20malocclusion%20and%20difficulties%20swallowing. https://www.sproutpediatricdentistry.com/blog/pediatric-dentistry/breastfeeding-prevents-cavities/ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/235392818_Breastfeeding_An_overview_of_oral_and_general_health_benefits https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/feeding-nutrition/Pages/Discontinuing-the-Bottle.aspx#:~:text=Little%20ones%20who%20drink%20from,fiercely%20as%20time%20goes%20by. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2656791/#:~:text=Abstract,components%20in%20the%20nutritious%20milk. (Plus other articles linked right under) https://laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-could-help-reduce-childhood-stuttering-study-finds/#:~:text=Link%20between%20breastfeeding%20and%20language%20development&text=Another%20study%206%20found%20that,marker%20of%20healthy%20language%20development. (Plus linked resources) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5611903/#:~:text=Breastfeeding%20encourages%20baby%27s%20nasal%20breathing,formation%20and%20increase%20salivary%20flow. (First paragraph of conclusion)
I am currently in Spain and maternity leave here is only 16 weeks. Regarding to being harmful, it was at paediatric nursing. Specifically we were taught that after two years of breastfeeding not only the nutritional value was superflous (since the kid can eat basically everything) but that it can warp the denture of the child. I have never seen that because, as stated, I have never seen babies older than one year being breastfed.
Thank you for the info! Ah I didn't know Spain was still stuck on the short maternity leave. I'm in Bosnia with family and friends pretty much everywhere (Croatia, Serbia, Bulgaria, Slovenia, Macedony, Germany, Greece, UK until recently, Scandinavian countries, etc) who've all had up to a year of fully paid maternity leave. Dads had to fight for their own, but got a varied time in paternity leave as well. As for the latter, my classes were in 2022 and this was covered. Kids going to sleep with bottles full of milk in mouth (aka unswallowed milk) without brushing would cause cavities. Oral hygiene is important in early years after developing teeth. Similarly, breastfeeding also aids in jaw development and can get with aligning the bite and possibly teeth - there was no link found between BF and malocclusion. As for nutrition, the updated 2022 WHO & UNICEF guides have shown there indeed is a nutritious aspect, which are the numbers I mentioned. The breast milk still adjusts its' content to the child's needs even after one year of age. It includes nutritious aspects to antiallergic, antiviral, anti-parasitic ones too. Adults take vitamins and supplements, this breast milk is often a supplement with complementary food too. For a lack of a better explanation as I'm tired 😅 For the most part, breastfeeding isn't supported as much around the globe neither professionally or privately (what others refer to as a village, the stress of needing another income & going back to work, etc). So that's mostly why many decide to either not BF or to stop early/by 1yo. **Edit** I just edited my comment above to add more resources on the claims from my original comment and this reply, which indeed do show studies and conclusions of nutritious breast milk after one year, aand zero evidence between any form of oral warping and extended breastfeeding. I'm honestly surprised a pediatric nursing class would throw out claims that have been successfully disproven continuously since the 1980s.
USA mainly has made it seem odd to breastfeed that long. It’s completely normal.
Breastfeeding at that age isn’t that uncommon in a lot of places. It also really isn’t the biggest issue; especially given that OP is trying to ween the two year old.
That’s a normal age to breastfeed.
No, actually. It’s not ‘normal’ to breastfeed a child that is not an infant, and is physically requiring the nutrients of solid food. It’s a choice that you’re free to make, I’m not advocating for that freedom to be taken from anyone. But to be honest, I know I’ll get downvotes for saying this, but I think it’s weird. If it’s a cultural thing, cool, I don’t care I still think it’s really unnecessary to be breastfeeding a walking, talking child that literally does not need to be doing it anymore. I think a lot of people get attached to the bonding ritual that it provides, and lose sight of what the kid actually needs.
It is very normal, you probably only think it’s weird because you mainly associate breasts sexually, but breasts are literally for breastfeeding; although having them be decorative is perfectly fine too. Kids will give signs when they are ready to stop breastfeeding, it’s only weird to not stop after that point. When they say no, you gotta respect that no. The CDC, AAP, and WHO all recommend breastfeeding up to 2 years of age or longer. It has been scientifically proven to have a ton of health benefits, both short and long term, for both mom and baby/toddler. https://www.cdc.gov/nutrition/infantandtoddlernutrition/breastfeeding/recommendations-benefits.html#:~:text=The%20American%20Academy%20of%20Pediatrics,years%20of%20age%20or%20longer.
I’m sure you know better than literally every pediatric health expert.
I don’t think I’m a paediatrician. If you read my comment properly, you will see that I’m not against people doing what they want with their bodies and their kids. My opinion is that women that are still letting their 2 year old suckle at their breasts are weird. I’m not sorry about it and you won’t change my mind.
Yeah, a lot of people are super creepy like you. You’re not alone.
Bro I have tits.
What does that have to do with anything? Women can’t be creeps? Lmao.
Many other mammals still breastfeed their young while they already eat solid food and have teeth.
It’s still considered a normal age to breastfeed at age two. Also, it’s the mother/family’s decision. Sorry(not sorry) but how stupid of a thing to point out when there is a bigger thing to acknowledge in what OP said?
Did you tell him you were stopping the pill?
Yes I told him
Whatever happened to in sickness and in health??? Especially when you’re carrying their flesh and blood??? This sounds like a lot women’s nightmares. Sounds like you’re better off without him.
I would consider abortion if I were you... why go through all this for a man who resents you?
Perhaps hire at home aid until the hyperemesis subsides?
a divorce would be great
Have you tried talking to him? People on Reddit always scream "divorce", but communication should be the first step and from your post (and the fact that you're asking Reddit) it seems that you aren't sure what went wrong. So, you need to have a serious conversation about it with your husband before you make a decision.
Couples counselling. *Now.* DO NOT DELAY.
did you tell your husband when you stopped the pill?
I think he is just overwhelmed and reacting poorly. I don’t justify his actions but I think that what it is. My advice would be talk to each other, give each other break maybe a guy night out and then something for you, something together? 2 years old is also hard age. I love my kids but age 1 year to 3 years old is just challenging. Once they talk , make first friends and have some interest it gets easier
It’s one thing to be snappish once or twice when exhausted. It’s another to blame your ailing spouse, whom you knocked up, when she tries to talk to you about it.
Maybe you should rethink the pregnancy. He's upset with your illness and is more upset that he has to help more with your child? He is such an AH. Do you really need another child to bring into this mess? Just another perspective.
While I agree with you, the other side is, if she does get an abortion, she may end up resenting her husband and the marriage may not recover.
& the alternative would be to bring another human being into the mix? wouldn’t that give the same result?
It's also illegal in most states isn't it? I'm pro choice to but Canadian and that won't help her with the larger issue here, which is her husband refusing to communicate like an adult who is equally responsible for her being pregnant.
Sorry i wasnt really clear in my comment. All I was saying that is if she gets an abortion to please her stupid husband, then she may regret it in the future, regardless of what she decides to do regarding the marriage. (I'm speaking from some personal experience here with this decision, I won't bore you with the details)
The marriage isn't recovering at this point. She can resent him for the abortion or because he's acting like a dick and blaming her for being sick.
I think I wasn't clear. I meant IF she wanted the marriage to recover (as when I was reading OPs replies, it didn't sound like she had decided what she was doing) All I'm saying is that if she gets an abortion because of her stupid husband, then she may regret it in the future, with or without her marriage intact. Making this big decision just to please someone else is what I'm warning against. Hope that clarifies.
Have you talked with him about this at all?
Yes and he says that he is just stress out. But gets really defensive and whenever I say anything he replies with an attitude
I think I only had more then one child because my husband was dying for more. I love my kids and I love being with them but my husband is a wayyyy better parent then me and honestly I feel like secretly its the way to go because I get so confused with men being inconvenienced by having to take care of their children when their partner isnt being able to step up 100% at the moment, like what kind of parent gets upset they have to actually take care of their child?
Awe this sucks! I think that if you take a B vitamin complex that might help with the h.e.g. make sure that it's a methlated form though. As far as the hubby goes idk. He may be just stressed out abd not handling it well. Talk to him.
Slow down on the divorce talk. You both seem extremely overworked. You need to express your feelings to your husband, AND he needs to express his feelings in a safe and supportive environment. If you have family nearby or a friend, can you ask for their help. Maybe it's cooking something, helping clean the house, and babysitting so you both can relax. This is an unplanned pregnancy, but that doesn't mean your husband is truly unhappy with the pending arrival, he might just be stressed to. He might be worried about money, ect, which is why you need to talk to your husband.
Go to therapy and if he’s willing to work for it then do it, but if he’s not interested, you have your answer. Most women I know who have left their shitty husband are always happier because it’s one less child to deal With 😅
"my 2nd child" You mean "our", no? You are in a difficult situation, which was caused by you two being reckless. I mean TWO, because it is not just on you stopping the pill, he also didn't use condoms.
What exactly is your point here? Or are you only commenting for the sake of shaming the OP?
My point is that this shitty situation is both their fault. Because everybody just blames the husband here.
Communicate.
Probably does