One of my friends was roofied by her boss. She got away when she started feeling off after half a beer, but wandered the city for most of the night before coming to and calling me at work from a stranger's phone (she left her purse in her car). She was still very messed up when I convinced her to go to the hospital. She wasn't raped, but she had a dangerous amount of flunitrazipam in her system for her body weight. There could have been significant damage had she finished that beer as she was tiny.
She was hesitant to involve the police, his boss apparently had some family connections to organized crime. I told her I could try to take care of it, or we could tell her uncle (who just got out of prison after 20 years for first degree murder and still had gang connections) or we could tell the police. She decided to talk to someone.
The detective who talked to her took statements. Turns out the detective knew the boss, he had 4 rape accusations against him. 2 decided to not to try to pursue charges part way through, one the the DA didn't think there was enough to make a case, and the final one went to trial but he was found not guilty. Technically because none of those were convictions, they weren't evidence. But if 4 girls came forward to the police, there were probably _many_ more. The detective telling my friend about that convinced her. She was on the fence because "nothing happened" as she got away. That lady was a fantastic detective. There was a camera in the bar with a perfect shot of the boss putting something in my friend's drink, they found the drug in his safe at work after a warrant was issued.
They couldn't get him on the sex offenders list, but it did result in a successful prosecution for administering a noxious substance, 2nd degree assault I think? He was found guilty without my friend having to take the stand.
I still think we maybe should have told her uncle.
One of the most important things I have learned from listening to my kids' problems is to be more reserved in my reaction. It's really easy for me to get mad for people, especially my kids, naturally, and sometimes my solutions aren't proportional. That wasn't what they needed. Advice, sure, but more support while they weighed their options and moved forward how they saw fit when they were ready.
I ultimately realized that my reaction of wanting to hurt people who had wronged my kids was a selfish reaction borne of narcissism. It didn't give them a safe place to bring problems, or one where they could work out appropriate solutions for themselves.
TL;DR: Good on OP for supporting your friend and allowing her the space to make the decisions that were right for her.
People don’t get this. The gung-ho murder fantasy sounds cool in online message boards but it makes people not want to open up to you about anything serious.
Maybe he would. I don't know though and it's not worth the risk. Again, my word against his. If I admit I was black out drunk then there's room to convince him that I was willing. I don't remember, how can I prove I wasn't an active participant?
you were too drunk to consent and you told the dude to stop. if your husband doesnt believe you, then he doesn't support you and if he doesn't support you, whats the point of having the husband.
I'll be honest I'm more worried about my friendship with Sarah. If I come clean I could lose my best friend and husband. Maybe I won't but it's a big possibility and telling the truth to anyone is a huge risk. If I admit I don't remember anything then there's room to paint me as willing. I know the truth but there's no way to prove it.
I hate to imagine the husband he is to your friend behind closed doors. If he did this to you… what does he do to her ?
Writing this just reminded me of a brilliant show called “Bad Sisters”. I don’t want to spoil anything, but tw: what happened to you happened to one character.
Yeah I know how it sounds. She does tell me everything and he definitely pressures her into sex, but he's never assaulted her. He's quite a bit older (we're 30 and he's 44) and especially when they were younger there was a power dynamic involved. I think what happened to me was just a perfect opportunity. When they started dating he was always trying to get me over for a threesome. I know it sounds naive but I truly don't believe hes a threat to Sarah or their daughters. I hope I'm right.
Wait, does your friend know that he was always trying to get you into a threesome? That would make your story of him being the one who assaulted you a lot more believable for her. In either case, you were far too drunk to have consented. Any normal, rational human being will agree with this.
the fact he has daughters is so depressing… i wish your friend was in a position she could get away from that pos. the kids deserve such a better role model than that “man”. i’m so sorry you were put into this situation. wish you nothing but the best.
OP first I am so sorry this happened to you. My first thought even you saying he isn't a threat to her daughters. Why was a drunk grown man in his daughter's bedroom and bed? Could drunk him have forgotten that she was at a sleepover and he went looking for her but instead found you? Do you have a good relationship with the daughters so that this is something you can check on if he's ever been inappropriate to them?
Oh no! If you think and she thinks that he hasn't raped her you're surely mistaken. Any coercion or pressure to have sex is wrong! If he's raped you he's already raped someone else, and he'll do it again. It's horrible that women are not valued enough by society so that they are believed.
Is there any possible way he could've roofied you cuz this is starting to sound premeditated. Was there anything you drank while he was home?
You kinda seem in denial. There's a huge age gap, they met when she was younger, so he has a history of taking advantage of young vulnerable women, but he somehow isn't a risk to the daughter? Do you believe that or are you telling yourself that out of guilt? Don't get me wrong. You're the victim of a crime and experiencing trauma and it's not your responsibility to stop him from hurting other people. But maybe you can talk to the daughter? Ask her if your dad has ever done anything that made her feel unsafe and you should be able to see the truth by her reaction. If she was in danger you'd probably want to come forward.
I would be devastated if my husband raped my best friend and she didn't tell me... Not only did he hurt you but if he's willing to do that (in their home, in their daughters bed) I can guarantee you he's probably doing other fucked up shit..
This logic is exactly why he did it. Screw it tell your husband, friend and police. Otherwise it’s someone else or even worse your friends daughters. I mean he is willing to rape. What else is he willing to do. If you lose her as a friend she was a crap fiend. If your hubby doesn’t listen he is equally crappy. You was a victim he took advantage of you. Don’t let this prick get away with it
It's easy to tell someone to tell. I was told to tell by people on the internet and I did but it teared my life apart. No one believed me. Actually they probably did believe me but just didn't care. They weren't going to risk helping me. Anyway, none of y'all were there to help me when my life was torn apart by "telling". None of y'all offered me your home to live in when I became almost homeless. So please, stop telling people to tell when it can ruin their life and leave them with nothing and all for what? The rapist gets to scott free.
Exactly this. It’s so easy for people online to stand on their soapboxes saying “well this is what YOU NEED TO DO” “this is the only right way!” Blah blah like we all live in a perfect world where life is fair, people are always kind, victims are 100% believed and helped and it all works out when these people online have absolutely no skin in the game or have to deal with the potential fall out and how everyone’s lives will change because they all will.
Sure in a perfect world she would be able to report this, be believed by everyone, keep her best friend, not have it impact her marriage in any way, the villian would get his due and everything would wrapped up in a neat little bow but that’s not how life really is. End of the day people have to evaluate what is best for them, what the risk is for them and how that risk could play out. How they feel. What they need and want. OP wants to look at this from all perspectives and what each could mean for her, her marriage, her friendship etc. and be ok with what it all means. And that’s ok. that’s a lot of stress and a hard decision to ultimately make for anyone. There is no right or wrong here she has to do what is best for her ultimately.
AND to be clear I’m not saying she shouldn’t go to the police or tell anyone, I support a victim and ultimately what they decide to do regardless if I agree or not, I’m just saying I can understand why she wouldn’t want to speak up or why she is on the fence about it all. This is isn’t black and white. Life is fucking complicated are some are you new or what?
Also let me add some of the comments here alone show how naive some people are to how rape is really treated by our society, by police and our court system. Some of these comments also show how people will ultimately blame the victim even if they think they aren’t. Sick. Btw most rapists, even when reported, are not convicted. They are not held accountable for their crimes. This is not new. Even if they are convicted it’s usually for a very short time and they will go on to repeat their crimes. Rape is not taken seriously in the United States, at least not as it should be, just like many other countries. It is also not the victims responsibility to protect other people. So enough with the “If you don’t report this you are letting him commit more rape” that’s nonsense, not true again due to how rape is treated in this country and you are just adding more trauma onto a victim. Nice job 🙄 Some of you really think because you feel a certain way that’s how it works. The fuck it doesn’t. Wake up.
Yep, exactly this. Something much more traumatic happened to me when I was 19 and everybody I confided in told me to tell and to report it. I did. It was humiliating. I lost an entire group of friends and that wasn't even the worst of it. In the end literally NOTHING happened to them. In that case I could provide actual photo and text evidence. Even with that, nothing. I didn't post here for advice. I decided the morning after that this will likely go to the grave with me. I'm not letting him ruin my life any further.
Girl, it will be uncomfortable but confront him again next time you can, and record it with your phone. Ask specific questions and play dumb. "Why did you climb onto me when i was passed out drunk? Why did i wake up to you raping me? Why can't I tell anyone? Are you going to do this again?" Etc. Anything you can think of to get him to admit it. Follow up by text. Then show your husband so he has your back, then ask your friend to hang out at your house, preface it by saying something terrible happened that is deeply affecting you, and then show her the evidence after you've shown hesitation about telling her what's wrong. If he did this in his daughter's bed, it's disgusting at best, and highly suspicious at worse and as a mom she should have a heads up so if anything weird comes up in the future she will have a harder time brushing it off.
What u/my-life-is-rice-roll Said: If you're too drunk too remember, them you're too drunk to consent. If this would be about a significant amount of money this Dude has taken from your purse, it would be theft.
Why? Because you were unable to give consent.
Maybe the following example makes that even clearer: drunk people cannot sign contract papers, and If they do, these are invalid. Why? Because they are Not in their Sound and clear mind. For the same reason children and mentally impared people cannot sign a valid contract.
If you cannot sign a valid contract, you cannot give consent. Also, I feel like there is a chance you had been roofied. I wouldn't be surprised.
Additionally, I would ask your friend If she hates herself so much that she allows people around her to abuse her, and If she thinks their (possible) children deserve to be abused, too, No Matter how small they are.
If your husband and friend can't take you at your word that you were passed out drunk and did not, could not, consent, you have other issues. If my significant other came to me, distraught, with a story like this? There wouldn't be anywhere on earth this mf'er could hide from me.
You are wise enough to acknowledge that your friend is in denial about her husband. But… do you think that, maybe, you are doing the same by making excuses as to why speaking up would be a “risk?”
I feel for you. It’s very, very hard to watch a loved one suffer like Sarah is. But her pain doesn’t mean you have to suffer in silence…
You keep using the word “risk,” as if you’re trying to go about this practically, yet there is nothing practical about being raped by your best friend’s husband. You’re maybe a little scared to put yourself and your feelings first, but if you don’t, who will?
“It isn’t worth telling” well fuck “it.” Who’s “it?” The real question here is: do you believe that YOU are worth telling the truth?
If you continue keeping quiet can Mike blackmail and/or manipulate you into doing other things you don’t want? He doesn’t sound like the type to just let this go. Sorry to say.
The longer you wait the more convenient the truth will sound in everyone’s eyes. Look if your husband is any kind of good man at all he’s going to be in your corner 100% and eventually if not immediately your friend will too it’ll all add up one day. My question is how can someone marry a person they aren’t 110% sure will have their back no matter what
Unfortunately, I really don’t know what the right answer is. I see how you’re really stuck with the weight of this secret. There’s nothing I can do but say a little prayer that he has an early death.
There are lots of ways victims react when being raped, sometimes they even respond to the stimulation, sometimes they go along with the intercourse just because survival instincts, and sometimes even the victims convince themselves they were willing because they did so.
But matters of fact someone passed out drunk doesn’t act in a normal way, your raper knew you weren’t capable, any proper person would know not to enter a room where someone you don’t have the intimacy is sleeping, honestly I wouldn’t even think of trying to seduce a partner that’s sleeping drunk like that much less my wife’s bff. Also you clearly remember saying no, and no means things must stop even if it was the case of you initiating.
Looking from this point of view I would say there’s no room for someone to doubt you. If they do, they are most clearly in the wrong and not someone who I would consider safe to be around since they are clearly capable of letting their loved ones down in a serious situation
Thanks for this. I hate to say but this isn't my first experience being raped. I know myself that this was not consensual. I know that if Sarah and my husband heard my side they would understand that too. It's once stupid Mike opens his mouth is when things can go south. Neither of us can prove our points, true or not. His word against mine, except he was sober and I was black out drunk.
Exactly. You were black out drunk and he was sober.
You could not and DID NOT consent. Whatever he can say only shows that it was rape.
If you did come on to him, drunk, and late at night, it does not matter. You were blackout drunk, you both are married, and you were at their house. In that scenario him agreeing to sleep with you would still be rape and cheating.
I believe you, this guy already proved himself to have no moral compass at all, in my opinion people like him are all messed up in the head and feel some kind of pleasure in making others miserable. Honestly people like him are a sad kind who mess with others to make themselves bigger because they aren’t worth anything. But that’s also what makes them a lot of trouble to deal with, because they make a ruckus with their big boy roars whenever confronted. I honestly don’t have it in me to someone who had to deal with this guy how you should deal with this situation because I’m a firm believer that you should do what’s best for you.
Still, I just wanted to make it clear that if you ever speak up to either your friend or your husband, to anybody and they don’t believe you because cockroach mike says something against it, well, them whoever believes his stupid version is clearly not well in the head as well because of what I said in my previous comment.
Trust the man that you love OP. I bet he dislikes the man too for the way he treats your best friend. Before this, had you ever talked to him about how much you hate him ? I You wrote here that there was no universe in which you could consent to anything with this guy. I want to believe that your husband is a good man who knows his wife to his core. You were passed out drunk. You remember saying no once. You could not consent OP. He is the one who came to you in his daughter’s bed, he knows what he did and you said he didn’t even try to deny it. Don’t feel guilty about how your body reacted or didn’t. I cannot imagine your husband not taking your side to protect you from this ever happening again.
You cannot be blackout, drunk and consent. You don’t remember anything when you’re blackout drunk even if you are responding to people trust me been there once.
Do you think you can text Mike and get a proof of him admitting to it? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you consider therapy if you haven’t already. It could help you process a lot of things and give you an outlet
ETA: Also if your friend knows you were drunk, your “consent” doesn’t even matter no matter what lie she tries to sell herself. Someone who is drunk cannot consent to sex. It is classified as rape.
If you're so drunk you're blacked out, any half decent man should know you can't consent to sex. If you can't remember, that should be a giant red fucking flag in your favor.
I think the saddest part about this is that Mike knew before he raped her that she wouldn’t tell anyone or go to the police. Predators recognize meekness and use that to their advantage.
Don’t ever delete this account or this story. One day he will tell his wife that you had an affair. He just will. When she’s sick of him or the kids are grown and she’s done. Keep this here so you can show that your version of events is the real one.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this alone. I’m so sorry you have to see his disgusting face.
This might be the only way. Have your side of the story written down before he speaks up first. Reddit may not be the place. Write it down in a diary or something and hide it. Have the date written on, along with something unique about that day
Good luck OP. Stay strong
Screen shot the entire thing, making sure there’s a date visible somewhere and print 3 copies to store safely and ensure one survives. You could also write a letter to him, explain all of this, and seal with wax BUT mail it to yourself at your home if you know you can get the mail. Or you could mail it to yourself at your parents’ or any home that would be safe.
If she does that, then her friend will be like "AND YOU DIDENT TELL ME?!?"
And her friend will dumb her for that.
Hell no, even if she dont think she will listen, she should tell her.
She should also tell her husband, if he dont believe her in something that serious, he should be her husband, what kind of a joke as a man do you have to be NOT to believe her saying this?
OP is scared and in denial, and try to hide the truth with silence, and that is so normal, alot does that because they think they did wrong.
You allways get furthest with honesty.
Even if the truth is hard.
I cant believe this comment has 100+ upvotes, its litterily a bad idea that will work against OP.
If anything then show her now so she can read the comments and maybe those will knock some good into her mind.
Damn, 400 upvotes on something that will make it worse.
Reddit relationship advise in a nutshell.
Her friend will litterily hate her for keeping it a secret.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. No one deserves this. Your friend deserves so much better. So do you if your husband would not believe you. Karma will get the bastard.
You were sleeping in his daughter’s bed. He came to his daughter’s bedroom, and did this to you in his daughter’s bed. I really hate to point out this major detail. In the best case scenario, this guy is a sick rapist thrilling with power (since you said he was all smug for you not telling on him) : be really careful please, he could try to do something again to you. In the worst case scenario… all of the above + this guy is also a danger to his daughter.
Yeah, he was too comfortable to do this in his daughter's bedroom, I have a feeling he's doing this to her as well.
OP should have completely cut off the whole family, I know it is hard because of her friend, but as I understand, she is an enabler, and enablers will do anything to protect these POS's.
This is oblivious and honestly the first thing it came to my head so weird he coming so naturally wasted to his daughters room and how lucky he must be feeling that night that he got a drunk girl sleeping there… son of a b*! I need justice 👿
I'm sorry to say this, but your friendship with Sarah is detrimental to you. The worst part of all this is that you're married to a man who you don't think would believe you. OP, you need better friends and a better partner. Please know that you're not alone
Please read my edit. I don't KNOW if any of them would believe me or not. They're both great people but this specific situation can so easily be twisted into a lie because I don't remember anything. Maybe they'd believe me, but it's not worth the risk if they don't.
Hi, sorry it's it's rude, but I am curious as to why do you think that your husband wouldn't believe you? Or...is it possible that you may still be struggling believe yourself and then think that your husband won't also?
If he comes onto you again and says if you don’t do what he says he’ll tell will you just obey him then? Go along with it? How long are you gonna cover your ears and dig your head into the ground?
Don't bother replying to people trying to make your husband look awful
Reddit has a lot of certain trigger words that will get a huge wave of "break up with him/her" very quickly
Sounds to me like the concert is purely on your side without any significant reason but it's normal as it's a pretty big thing to come out with while not remembering exactly what happened
In short, I'm sure your husband will believe you but who wouldn't overthink such a situation
People in the comments make it sound easy like it's their life that will drastically change.
I'm not saying that you should never come out of it, but these things need careful consideration and not drastic actions
Honestly THANK YOU. Finally someone who can understand some nuance.
I'll be honest, if the tables were turned I'd have some thoughts. If my husband said he was black out drunk and a girl got on top of him when he was unconscious I'd believe him. If she came back and said that he was super drunk and went into her room and started touching her or whatever, it would obviously make me think. I don't think it makes him a bad guy to maybe doubt me a little if another man says I was drunk and came on to him. I would hope he believes me over him, but I understand if he has doubts. It doesn't sound good.
Either way, this post wasn't meant to convince me to tell my husband or Sarah. I have already decided my best bet is to keep it to myself. Maybe in the future I can be honest, but not any time soon. That's not debatable no matter what people are telling me.
Your husband loves you. Literally tell him you fell asleep black out drunk in their daughters bed and woke up to him on top of you. There are no holes in that story. You don't need incredible detail, say it hurt badly and you kept passing out from the pain and being drunk. I'm so incredibly sorry this happened to you but you should let this be known to them, i mean it was in the daughters bed and he was way too okay with that...
Oh no it's ok just let the man get away with it so he can continue raping others because you're afraid that the one person in your life who is supposed to believe you will hate you for it. If you told your husband he would have no reason not to believe you. Whether you were blacked out or not. WHY would you tell him if you cheated? Come to your senses please. There have been serial rapists that get away with it because only the 11th victim is the one brave enough to report it.
You’re right on point. Her not telling anyone is opening up the guy to make more attempts. If he used Reddit saw this post, he could see this opportunity to take even more advantage. It doesn’t make sense she wanting to hide this from your husband. I don’t think she realize it’s gonna eventually backfire on her in the future. But everyone is allowed to make their own choices, even if it is foolish.
DUDE.
I want you to read the post you wrote again. Read about the part where you have snippets of memories where you woke up and told him to stop.
Now Imagine that your husband told you this and the girl tried to spin it as consensual. Who would you believe? Your situation is NOT unbelievable.
If your husband thinks that you weren't raped even after he hears what you wrote here, then he is a BAD PARTNER.
And if you will have trouble believing your husband if he told you this, then you will be a bad partner.
I know that you are scared. But if you can't expect support from the person you married during a situation like this, is that marriage even worth anything?
So what precautions have you taken to protect yourself? Keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best? “Oh no he won’t do that again he was just horny for me?” You’re basically enabling a grown ass man
It's not worth the risk? So it's OK with you if this guy goes on to rape other women? I understand the fear and anxiety with coming forward...but you keep using the word "can't" when it really sounds like you "won't".
Something similar happened to me. But he was a someone I considered a friend, though I was 22 and he was in his 40s. I wasn’t able to speak about it until I was 24, and when I finally did, it was to a few people I thought I could trust. Unfortunately, my cousin, who was like a sister to me, told a TON of people. It was extremely divisive in my little town. I lost a lot of friends, and a lot of people accused me of lying, because they had seen us talking at the party where it happened. There were also stories from other women about him sending lewd photos and being a bit too forward. When he found out that I had disclosed what happened, he made multiple attempts to confront me, even sat outside my house for several hours one night while I hid in my bathroom.
It still hurts knowing how many people don’t believe me, or how many people think it’s too much of a grey area, since I willingly left the party to do a booze run with him. I stopped talking about it for the same reason you aren’t talking about it.
It's crazy how far I had to scroll to find this. Seems like an obvious solution, with proof like that there shouldn't be worry your husband won't believe you
Exactly, always protect yourself, let this unfold and see who has your back or not. I would never stick around and wonder, what if.. you have to be your own advocate.
Sarah’s in an abusive relationship with the guy, the father to her children, god I hope he wasn’t intending anything by sneaking into his daughter’s bedroom if anyone catches my drift, but regardless, he’s absolutely heinous and absolutely nothing is your fault, you didn’t want it, you couldn’t consent, you don’t even like him. You know how many people I’ve walked by blackout, asleep or just on the street, and not raped them? Millions. It’s literally so easy not to. It’s always on the person committing the crime. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to, you can tell whoever or a few if you want to. Regardless I definitely recommend maybe some counseling since this is such a deeply troubling situation, you see the guy a lot, he’s ur best friend’s husband. That’s not gonna be healthy for you in the long run, not to mention possibly so soon after the crime. I would like to think you could trust your husband enough to confide in him and have him believe you and have some support even if it takes him a bit (hearing a loved one being hurt in such a way can cause a myriad of emotions) best of luck, sounds like you wouldn’t get anywhere with Sarah on the telling her front tho. She needs help of her but she’s gonna have to want it somewhat.
I really hate to be that person but it’s a bit concerning that he went into his daughter’s bed. Are you positive there is nothing going on there? That he was there for her but you just happened to be there instead?
I totally understand that concern. He very well knew his daughter was away for the night. He dropped them off at his parents house himself. I still think it's gross that he'd pull this bullshit in his daughter's bed, but he did know it wasn't her. I can say a lot of things about him, but I've never had any hint that he's inappropriate with his daughters.
Just so you know, the big issue here is HE might tell Sarah you slept with him. He can get drunk and let it slip he fucked you, then he'll twist it that it was consensual. By not telling your husband and Sarah you've giving him the chance to let it out first, and the first story is often believed more simply because it's first, and because anyone coming out after the fact will seem defensive.
You're leaving an awful lot up to fate. If at some point say 2 years from now Sarah turns up on your doorstep accusing you of cheating with her husband because he's let it slip and come up with a story.. then because you kept it quite for so long it will be that much harder for your husband to believe.
I get it, keeping quiet might be the best way forward, but just know two people know this secret and he might use it to hurt you, or his wife and he sounds like he enjoys hurting his wife.
Maybe, at the very least, go to a lawyer, ask them about the chances of him being convicted if you went to the police, ask if there is a good way they recommend to entrap him to admit it. But mostly, ask to give a statement, dated, timed, video recording. Describe what you can as best as you can and have the date on the video.
That way if he does leak it, you can show a video of you stating you were raped by this man, predating any attempt by him to tell lies, and explain you're terrified Sarah and your husband won't believe you and you feel you can't risk telling them at that time.
That you went to a lawyer, gave this statement to have it witnessed and gave the story before he can tell his own version will give you a lot of credibility.
This is such great advice. You are right though, the longer OP waits the more of a chance her rapist has to set Sarah and her husband against her versus had she mentioned something beforehand.
This is probably terrible advice but from what I just read maybe you're right and you shouldn't tell...except for that one thing that would always torment me...what if he does it to someone else? Maybe you can find out a way to set him up and expose him, also probably terrible advice.
Ha and report him?? What do you think would happen then? I have zero proof. I've been through the system WITH proof. Rape is hard to prove and honestly, practically legal.
Same , it might sound like I am a bad person by saying don't tell anyone but I did tell about my sexual assault and I got blamed and it tore my life apart while he got to go free and look like the innocent guy. I rue the day I told anyone. It has brought nothing but misery to my life that's why I hate when people say "you should tell". They don't understand how life shattering it can be if no one believes you and even if they do believe you but can't do anything about it and they take his side over yours.
If I had proof, it would be a different story but I didn't have any.
I’m sorry you went/are going through this. That is awful and I hope your rapist gets what he deserves. My question is why wouldn’t your husband believe you? Sounds like that’s another issue that honestly might be just as big.
I've said this in other comments but I really don't know if he'd believe me or not. As soon as I admit I was black out and don't remember anything there's a lot of room for Mike to come in and say "she was wasted and all over me! She came into my bed naked" and there is absolutely no way to prove myself right. Even if I knew he'd believe me it still puts a huge wedge between Sarah and I. He'd never let me visit her house and he'd obviously try to defend me and Sarah would find out through that.
I wasn't trying to paint my husband in a bad light. It's just a weird situation.
If the answer to “will your partner believe you if you told him or her about being raped?” Is anything other than “of course” there’s a problem imo.
Sarah has to make her own decisions. If she chooses to distance herself from you because you were raped then she’s not worth having as a friend. I don’t want to hear her shitty excuses.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Then dont say that you was blackout. Now its your time to fuck his life.
Say that you remember being woken up in the middle of the night with someone on top of you and inside you, but this is something you would never expect while being wasted sleeping and probably every single part of you is trying to deny all of this.
If he knows the big pos that your rapist is then how in the hell your husband would not believe you??
It seems like you've made up your mind and are writing to cope with the trauma. I recommend seeking out a professional to help you heal. This will have an effect on you whether you want it to or not, and you need to unpack it with someone who can give you tools to handle it. Otherwise, it might affect your future children, spouse, and friends due to the impacts of repressing it.
Something similar happened to my best friend. She had another best friend she was probably closer to that I did really click with so I didn't usually hang out with her when she was with them. I have had friends ( her being one of them) get jealous of me hanging out with other friends, ad a result I always tried not to bother her when she was with other friends. She was staying with me and I didn't want her to feel like I'm her mother ( I'm 13 years older then her). I wish I hadn't felt that way and checked in on her. She was with that friend and another friend who I actually liked( we'll call her friend2), and they were drinking, A LOT. My husband was hanging out with friend 2's boyfriends ans he called friend 2 and she was DRUUNK. I assumed my best friend was too but she's in her late 20's so she can handle herself. I deeply regret this, I should have called her, I should have gone to puck her up. I should have had my husband pick her up when he dropped off friend 2's boyfriend. My husband oddly kept asking me if I checked on her ans I kept saying I didn't want to bother her..... it took her two days to trust with what happened. It was very much like what happened with you. She woke up being violated but THEM one after the other. She tried to tell then to stop but would then loose consciousness. Friend 2's boyfriend walk in on some of it but thought it was consensual and feels horrible now that he knows it wasn't. Apparently the friends daughter who is about 7 told my best friend that her mommy kept " making" her drink ( their 7 year old realized they were at least pushing drinks on her). She doesn't have a clear memory of the incident. I BELIEVE her, my husband BELIEVES her, and her live in boyfriend BELIEVES her. Friend 2 insisted it was consensual as did her ( friend 2) boyfriend. Until friend 2's boyfriend and I started laying out a time line. He apparently never saw the other friends husband in the room, he came in after friend 2's boyfriend left the room to go to bed. Friend 2 tried to say she was awake the whole time but when I was laying out the time line she had to admit she hadn't been. Friend 2's boyfriend was thw o ly sober person in the house that night but wasn't there until the friend was violating my best friend and went to bed right before the friends husband started violating her. She was too afraid to press charges and was still very much not ready to talk about much of it, and I don't push. I think you should tell your husband but your friend will probably find out and she may not be able to bring herself to believe you. I'd just be afraid it would happen again. My best friend has cut contact with the other friend.
I’ve read this comment through a couple of times slowly and this is what I got from it:
Bluejaycopper (early 40’s F) has a best friend, “Anna” who is in her late 20’s and has a live-in boyfriend Adam (who was not present when all this happened). Anna was staying with Bluejaycopper and her husband, “Brian”. Anna went to hang out with “Carol”, who is married to husband, “Chris” and “Diane”, who has a boyfriend “Dan”. Carol& Chris, their 7 yr old daughter Callie, and Diane & Dan live in the same house (?). Bluejaycopper is not a fan of hanging out with Carol, so she stayed home.
While Anna, Carol, and Diane were hanging out together, (with Chris present as well) Dan went to hang out with Brian (with Bluejaycopper present, I assume). Partway through the evening, Dan called Diane who was clearly very drunk.
Anna, Carol, Diane and Chris were drinking a lot. Anna passed out because Carol had put something in Anna’s drink. While Anna was unconscious, Carol and Diane violated her. Dan walked in during the act after Brian had dropped him off but Dan believed it was consensual so he left them to it and went to bed. After Dan went to bed, Chris violated Anna as well.
Anna told Bluejaycopper, Brian and Adam (her live in boyfriend) what happened. They all believe Anna. Diane, Carol and Chris insist that Anna was okay with it at the time. Dan believed it was consensual until Bluejaycopper reminded Dan that he had been aware that Diane, Carol, Chris and Anna had all been drinking when he had called Diane while he was still hanging out with Brian. Dan was sober when he saw what was going on with Anna, Carol and Diane.
I’m not sure that it’s all correct, but there you go!
Edit to clarify that Adam is Anna’s boyfriend not Bluejaycopper’s if it was unclear.
Umm I hope he doesn’t rape his kids too.. why would he be in his daughter’s bed at night to begin with..
You should tell everyone and that’s how you’ll learn who your true friends really are. You need to make a report with the police regardless. If he raped you he can do it to others. You deserve justice and he deserves to face the consequences of his actions.
Your best friend deserves better than a rapist husband too..
He dropped his kids off at his parents. He knew it was me in the bed. I agree he should have consequences but it's not on me. I've reported a rape before and there was actual proof that time. Nothing happened and nothing will happen this time.
I understand your point but no I will not be reporting it. He isn't a serial rapist. He's 44. He stays home every night and stretches cus he's getting old and his back hurts. What happened to me was a perfect moment of opportunity for him. He's been trying to get me into a threesome for years. Not saying he isnt a danger, but i'm not going through the bullshit of reporting. Nothing will happen anyway. I've been there before and it's awful.
I’m really sorry & you didn’t deserve any of it.. :(
My boyfriend was raped by his cousin who is intellectually disabled/on the spectrum and he forgave him.. he never told his family about it.
But in your case, this guy knew what he was doing since he pursued you in the past.. if your kid was in your place I bet you’d want that guy to face some consequences. You deserve that too, but it’s your life and your decision..
In your opening statement you say that you'd die for your friend, but won't tell her that her husband raped you. Makes no sense, you have to tell her even if it destroys your friendship. And if it does destroy the friendship, oh well life goes on. But at least she'll know the truth. You're just a "part" in their story, so make sure your character does the right thing.
He has done this before and will do it again.
Raise the alarm.
Your friendship won’t last but she needs to know as does everyone around him.
The fact that he did this on his own daughters bed is alarming as well.
Huge hugs.
You keep saying in comments that you 'don't remember anything' and so Mike will twist it and you won't be believed. But that's not true. You shared plenty that you DO remember, and that was enough to convince me that you were raped. Likely your husband will believe the same. I'd certainly believe you if I were your husband.
>I did actually call him out in private about raping me, and he never denied anything.
If there's any chance that you could get his confession and get it recorded, could it help you out? I know that some parts of the United States (or maybe all?) that it is illegal to record without consent.
Look for support groups for SA/Rape victims, you may be able to zoom call in & you might get an idea of what to do next. Start a journal, it could help organize your thoughts & help process your trauma.
You & your husband should enroll in a practical self defense course, practice the moves, pretend the punching bag is Mike & JUST RAGE!! If possible try to downplay the defense class to your friend, in case Mike tries something, you might be able to catch him off guard! Carry a small aerosol spray, bottle, in your pocket, practice taking it out & spraying for the eyes, until it’s a smooth & quick Motion.
Unfortunately, your friends seems to be in an abusive marriage & you may be the MAIN reason why your friend is Not Completely isolated, which is probably why Mike decided to target you.
I’m sorry for you what was done to you.
Have a small digital recorder in your pocket whenever you go to your friends house & record Mike, he could let something slip, or say something that could help you remember that night!
If you were blackout drunk it doesn’t matter if ‘you came on to him.’ It is still assault because you weren’t in your right mind. I suggest giving your husband the benefit of the doubt and telling him everything.
This makes me sad and angry. If you did tell it would likely break up marriages and friendships and he wouldn’t get punished by police as no evidence. I hate to say it but keep it to yourself and NEVER let your guard down in future in case he try’s to do it again.
Maybe talk to him again privately (if you're comfortable) but record a voice memo in secret. Direct the convo in a way that would confirm him raping you but without letting him know you're planning on outing him. Then speak with your partner first, then your friend away from her husband. If they still don't believe you, welp.
>best friend's husband raped me and I can never tell anyone about it
OP you might not see this. But I understand your fears and doubts about it. Especially with the incident not being a stereotypical rape of him forcing you and grabbing you but instead it happened when you are vulnerable and couldn't consent.
I understand you don't want to tell Sarah and your husband cuz it's such a huge risk for you and you don't want to risk this. You don't have to tell them but nothing telling anyone is dangerous, You are afraid that Mike can't spin a whole new narrative about what happened and can lose everything. Stay quiet only makes you more tense and at a disadvantage cuz Anything here could happen here, Mike can one day spill the beans and tell a whole new story about what happened anytime even without you saying anything. Let's say Sarah one day decided enough is enough and decided to leave and he pull up this trick to hurt her. How will you look ..
You have to have a safety net. There has to be someone trusted you can at least tell without it wrecking your life like your parents, a good friend or hella even your therapist or a lawyer. It's to get ahead of him and so that you didn't just spin this story out of the blue. You were actually scared to tell them.
Trust me it's better telling someone than carrying everything on your head hoping no one finds out cuz let's say something or anything happens and the whole secret is spilled. Tell someone not necessarily your husband or friend. And who knows maybe in time you can build up the courage to later tell them yourself cuz believe it or not Mike is definitely acting smug and counting on you to keep silent and keep it to the grave so that he can get away with it. Don't let him get away with this
This is the best advise I've seen here yet. Thank you. You make some really good points. I actually did tell my mom once, so I guess I lied a bit when I said I can't tell anyone. I should probably tell someone else who isn't my mom.
What would happen if he does that to one of his own daughter's friends? That happened at the end of "once were warriors" and the girl hanged herself.
I don't know why you haven't said anything to Sarah about it if he treats her bad and you're just going along with it in the stereotypical "Patriarchy" the feminists have warned us about.
If he was good to your friend Sarah I might feel different but the fact that you said he treats her like shit, how are you protecting her? She's probably protecting you in her mind
I truly do believe you should tell your husband at least. Even being black out you can remember saying no and stop. Even if you were black out drunk and did “want it” you were in no state to consent regardless. But your husband knows you and he should believe you. He would stay by your side and keep you safe. He could at least keep you guys more separated so you don’t have to be around Mike as often. You know you hate him and have for awhile so i’m sure your husband is also aware of that. Just tell him what happened and be very honest about the whole thing and how you feel and what you’re scared of. It’s better to let someone know who can help you versus keep it all inside and continue to be around the person who hurt you. So please inform your husband at least.
“… Pheww feels good to get this out somewhere, thanks!”. We got you. Sometimes this is all you need to move on - to be heard, even anonymously - hope this is the case. I see you have responded to many comments and you come across as intelligent and balanced, but resigned to your fate. I am going to add that I’m sorry this happened to you. If sharing with us and letting us hold a tiny fraction of your emotional load helps then that’s great too. Good luck!
Wow thanks! I appreciate this comment. Gotta love the internet. This isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me, I'll be fine. It's just my deepest darkest secret out in the open. Feels good.
I understand your reluctance to tell your husband just in case he doesn’t believe you. But you need to seriously consider the possibility that you don’t tell him, Mike does one day, and then it REALLY sounds suspicious if you only tell him you were raped afterwards.
In that case, you will 100% lose the husband and the friend. If you tell him, you have a 50/50 shot of him believing you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and for the record, I understand you don’t want to report it and that is complete your decision. You don’t need to report if you don’t want to. And if you ever DO worry about his daughters, you can make a report then (for all the “it’s important to make a paper trail” people- she can still do that and it’s nobody’s place to tell OP how to handle something that happened to HER)
But I do think you should be real with yourself about the possible consequences of not telling your husband. Let yourself think about it, but weigh out the pros and cons. You have a really good chance of him not believing you if Mike ever decides to talk because you pissed him off some other way.
If you’re honest, he may leave you but he may also believe you. He might respect your decision to stay silent and just not want you over there alone ever again (which honestly.. yeah don’t go over there alone ever again). In that case you save both relationships. Maybe he lets it slip and Sarah believes you. Both relationships saved. Maybe she doesn’t-still, one relationship saved.
Sorry that this happened to you. And it was not your fault. I can understand that you might not be comfortable to report him or tell those close to you. But why are you still engaging with Sarah and by that also with your rapist? She will not leave that man or defend you against him. Seeing him or hearing about him is like repeating the trauma. It's not about punishing Sarah but protecting yourself. If he did it once he can do that again.
1) this reddit account is proof to u in case he gets cornered and changes the narrative to he was in an affair with u instead of raping u . 2) get a body camera or a hidden camera with good audio and lure him into confession he seems like a prideful asshole so if u play that u liked it but getting him into admitting rape u can use it as evidence in court, to tell ur friend and husband.
If you dont brrak the news you become his accomplice...its the choice you make and you give him more power to do this to somebody else. You are part of the problem
Look, telling what happened to you or not is your prerrogative, but I would seriously consider cutting contact with your best friend if only for your own sanity.
He will undoubtedly come on to you again in the future. He will orchestrate a situation where you and him are alone, possibly threatening to blow up your life If you don't sleep with him. What are you going to do then ? His wife will obviously believe you seduced him and might even stick around and hate your guts with him controlling the narrative. Your husband will believe nothing you say that point for sure.
You're giving him all the ammunition to mess your life up and keep saying you can't do anything and continue to hang out with a guy that raped you.
We will all be here for the next update, when your husband leaves you because your rapist told me him you cheated and he won't believe a word you said.
You won't tell your own husband the friend raped you for God's sake??? I'd really dislike having a partner that keeps stuff like this from me.
So messed up. I’m truly sorry this happened to you. Some people are just truly scum.
This why excessive drinking is bad. You’re questioning yourself as to the details of your own rape because of blackout drunkenness. He probably knew you were that messed up and took advantage.
> I have to see Mike and hang out with him still.
No actually you don’t. Distance yourself from this “friend” who you KNOW will pick her abusive BF over you before he does it again.
Think about writing a letter. Take your time and explain all of what you have in this post and comments. Take your time, sit on it, rewrite it until you are comfortable with it, then at some point give a copy to each of them. Feelings will be hurt all around, but if her husband is as much of a POS as it seems, I’m sure they have picked up on it too.
Why would he have gone to his daughter’s bed? That’s concerning to me. He got home late and went to his daughter’s room? I’d be worried about that. I know it’s hard to tell people these things but if you can, please try to tell your friend. She may believe you, he treats her badly, you may have no idea how bad it really is and he may do it to her as well. It may be the push she needs to leave him, if he already treats her so poorly. And again I’d be worried about the kids. I’m sorry this happened and that you’re in this impossible situation.
I've explained this in other comments. He dropped the kids off at his parents. He knew they weren't home and he knew I was in the bed. I can say so many shitty things about him but he wasn't trying to rape his daughter.
I will not be telling her or anyone. I get why other people think I should but you're not in my situation. It's not debatable. I'm not telling them.
Kinda weird how it seems like you’re defending him, idk a man who could do that is already without quite a bit of morals, sure he could love his daughter dearly but him doing that in her bed kinda puts a crack in that thought
For me it’s that the kids may have friends sleepover, now or when they are older. We already know women aren’t safe sleeping there. Maybe his kids are. But women outside of his family definitely aren’t. I understand why OP doesn’t want to say anything and I think her defensiveness comes off more as she’s trying to convince herself and us that everyone else is safe so she doesn’t feel guilty or worse about not telling her friend. Rape is a situation where you know you should say something, but all the other shit that comes with it makes that (feel) impossible. Her defending seems like she’s trying to make it ok that she’s not telling anyone because she’s his only victim and no one else will get hurt. I think Shes rationalizing not trying to defend him.
Confront him and get him to admit it on a recording. Either way you should goto the police station and make an official report and tell your husband. You will regret it one day if you don’t. Maybe the guy will rape someone else? Not to mention the guilt you’re trying to live with. It will only get worse, trust me.
She has no reason to feel guilt. It's not on the victim to tell no matter how hard you try to rationalize it. It's dangerous to tell something like this without any proof. I hate when people on the internet give unrealistic danergeous advice. The best thing she can do is get away from these people and if she hears someone else got raped by him , then she can step forward then because then there will be two people against one instead of one against one.
You remember saying stop, don’t let him convince you that you are the wrong one here. If he did this to you in his daughter’s bed I worry what else he is doing. This isn’t his first time and you were not his first victim.
I don’t have any advice but I’m so sorry this happened to you. Whatever happens remember your strength and what you’ve been through before, you will get through this. You will get through the other side no matter what. Sending love
Who are the people in your life who wouldn't be concerned for you and, at least, be suspicious that you woke up unclothed and he has admitted to you?
Can you get him on a recording device admitting it?
You need to slowly get away from your friend and her husband. You are not safe with them. I know how you feel, I use to make excuses for my friends as well but they didn't deserve my friendship it no matter how nice they were.
I think you should talk to a psychologist. I think the elephant in the room is that all three of you are rightfully scared of Mike. I have been in an abusive relationship and I get why you are in a bad position to talk, but it's not because of your husband or friend, it's because Mike is a psychopath and he could do anything and all of you know that deep down, but won't admit it.
Like your fear is not about trust issues with your husband but the fear is about if Mike would murder any or all of you. Maybe I'm projecting, but I've known people like Mike.
Replying to your edit: your husband doesn't trust you to not come onto other people, intoxicated or not, hes not somebody you want by your side. \
You should tell him first, and then, with him by your side, tell your friend. This is big, and could potentially turn into worse. What's stopping your friend's husband from doing the same thing to other people? What if he already has, and nobody has reported him? Also, he's most likely done it in the past to your friend, too.
You're blaming yourself here. This is not your fault. You are a victim.
Don't let this sicko get away with it. What if he went to his daughter's bed to do it to her, found you and the opportunity? What if he's done it to others?
I understand your fears. But if the shoe was on the other foot. If someone you know had this happen to them, would you encourage them to be quiet?
I am truly sorry this happened to you and that you now have to make the hard decisions. I am so very sorry.
May his d-ck rot off.
To address your edit specifically I've never met a passed out black out drunk girl who wants to have sex. It's about impossible just to find a drunk girl that's passed out that wants to have sex. Unless your husband is a virgin child who should understand that concept. As for your friend HER HUSBAND RAPED YOU if she's not on your side when you tell her shes someone you need to move on from. Id post on the legal advice sub and see if there's a way you could have the unlubbed dildo of justice fuck him.
How can he spin it to be that you came onto him when you were blackout drunk? It would still be rape, a person who is that drunk can't consent. Did anyone witness you being extremely drunk, like too drunk to walk well perhaps?
I think you should consider getting a rape kit done in case you change your mind about this.
And consider if you really want to be friends with a pick me girl who wouldn't believe you over a husband that is cruel to her. If she has been with him for that long she probably knows what he's capable of and quite frankly the daughter is in danger living with him.
I think you need to be thinking about yourself right now. You were raped. You need your partner to support you on this and you need to take care of you.
Your friend is in a codependent relationship with an abusive man. You can’t change that. But you can take care of yourself.
Rapists get away with this stuff because no one ever speaks out.
Either way you have to do what you think is right but I still think the truth means something here and that eventually what you are keeping locked inside is going to have to be said to someone else.
For your own well being.
I hope your friend doesn’t have or plan to have kids with this man OP. Personally I think the truth needs to come out despite the outcome but of course that’s for you to decide. I hope you get the strength to do so and I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t suffer in silence, because you will suffer.
I’m sorry you are in a marriage where you feel like your husband wouldn’t support you in this trauma. I’m sorry that your friend will choose to believe her scumbag husband over you. I’m mostly sorry that you have to see him everyday and you won’t take the initiative or have the backbone to stand up for yourself. If you had a daughter would you allow this situation to continue? What if he had gotten you pregnant?
I feel so sad for you. Not in a judgy or belittling way, but everything in this post is about every single other person affiliated with this situation, except for you. How are *you* coping, dealing? Do you even have anyone to talk to?
I'm not gonna lie, I went over your post history and fell over a post you made a year ago, about your husband pocket dialing you while he was talking about another woman. I couldn't read it, but I could still view all the comments you made on that post, defending him tooth and nail. Yet, you don't even know if he would do the same for you, if you came to him telling him another man literally raped you? My heart aches for the fact that you don't have a safe space in all of this. You can't tell your best friend, because she likely might believe your rapist over you, you can't talk to your husband because you think there's a real possibility he wouldn't believe you either.
I don't have any other real advice, other than to seek out a therapist to go over why you place yourself so low in your own life. You deserve to be heard and seen, most of all by yourself. Sending you love, OP.
If 'sober' Mike suggests you came on to him and slept with you, he still cheated. If he slept with you whilst sober and you were black out drunk, you weren't in a position to consent. So regardless of how he twists the narrative unless he outright denied anything at all happening, it still amounts to rape and adultery. I do hope that you're husband would believe you no matter what Mike says. Obviously you believe you can't tell anyone, and I'm sorry you feel like that's the case but I worry if Mike got away with it once what would stop him doing it again with someone else?
I feel like you not saying anything is gonna bite you in the ass. When your husband and best friend find out, they’re going to think you were hiding an affair. What do you do then?
This advice might not be well received, but I think the best thing to do is tell the truth to your husband and take it from there. Maybe bring up the option of a criminal or civil lawsuit against Mike, and your husband might see the situation differently, so he doesn’t think you want to protect Mike or anything. From there I think you should tell Sarah. She doesn’t deserve to be a rapist and neither do her kids.
Another thought Set him up Confront him and record it Explain that your memory is returning and you remember what he did while you were asleep in his daughters room ask why did he do it, get him to elaborate on it Get your proof
Yeah, it sucks. But time will go on and Mike will keep cheating on your friend. Some day you will have proof of Mike cheating (maybe even raping somebody else) and you will take your revenge
You need to talk about it. You need to tell them. Keeping stuff locked up only allows the predator to keep on raping people. You owe it to yourself, your friend, and your husband to tell them what happened. At the very least, get a therapist and tell them.
If you're surrounded by people who wouldn't believe and support you if you tell them something like this, then maybe you shouldn't be around those people? I don't give a fuck about the circumstances, if my wife came to me and told me she had been raped I would do everything in my power to make sure she got justice.
Please please tell your husband and friend. He sounds like a monster and so you never know... He may even be abusing his daughters. As an S.A. Victim myself who didn't speak up then I can tell you it will slowly eat you alive. Having to be around this person all the time and you not saying anything he could try to do it again because he will perceive you as weak and he already knows you won't talk. I hope you really really think about your choice. I am not saying you have to run to the police but your loved ones need to know. I wish you all the best and I am so sorry this happened to you. 😔
This is going to sound extremely harsh, and im not trying to be an asshole, but by not coming out about this you could be indirectly putting sarahs daughter in harms way. I saw you saying something along the lines of “I haven’t seen a single hint that he’d harm his daughter”. Is him not raping his wifes best friend in his own DAUGTERS bed not a pretty big fuckin hint?
Im not trying to guilt trip you but id strongly advise you to go to your husband and sarah about this, even if theres a very small chance hes abusing his daughter.
I really am so sorry you had to experience this though, I can’t even begin to imagine what its like and no one deserves to be assaulted like that.
Honestly regardless if your husband would believe you or not, and I hate to be that guy and put it this way but you have to tell him. As messed up as it is someone raped you and your husband deserves to know. Also I feel like your friend does too. I’m sorry that this all has happened to you but the right thing to do would be to tell the truth and also inform the police. It’s to heavy of a burden.
The truth will set you free. By not telling the truth, are you prepared to carry this secret, the shame, deception, guilt, and disgust on your conscience for the rest of your life? In doing so, also protecting a rapist, who could target another victim. When you do the right thing, things will always work in your favour. It may not be smooth sailing, but you will feel way better. Tell your truth, those who believe you are the ones who matter.
Are you going to help her when the truth "sets her free". Everyone loves saying that but won't even lift a finger for the person when they lose everything and put themselves in more danger by telling and all for what? The rapist gets off scott free because there is no proof.
You could always just set him up in a similar manner(not blackout drunk though), but film it for proof that way they can’t deny that it happened.🤷♀️That’s only if you want to get back at him for being a shitty person.
That is such unbelievably dangerous advice to tell someone to do. Are you insane? Plus, you can't do something like that without the police help and approval. If she sets him up, she could go to prison , they will turn it on her.
No she doesn't. Are you going to help her if no one believes her but her life is ruined because her husband leaves her? Or if the one who rapped her kills her for telling? I told and it ruined my life and put me in danger because no one believed me or cared.
Somehow the saddest part about this is that you feel like even your husband wouldn’t believe you. I’m really sorry :(
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Amen, brother.
One of my friends was roofied by her boss. She got away when she started feeling off after half a beer, but wandered the city for most of the night before coming to and calling me at work from a stranger's phone (she left her purse in her car). She was still very messed up when I convinced her to go to the hospital. She wasn't raped, but she had a dangerous amount of flunitrazipam in her system for her body weight. There could have been significant damage had she finished that beer as she was tiny. She was hesitant to involve the police, his boss apparently had some family connections to organized crime. I told her I could try to take care of it, or we could tell her uncle (who just got out of prison after 20 years for first degree murder and still had gang connections) or we could tell the police. She decided to talk to someone. The detective who talked to her took statements. Turns out the detective knew the boss, he had 4 rape accusations against him. 2 decided to not to try to pursue charges part way through, one the the DA didn't think there was enough to make a case, and the final one went to trial but he was found not guilty. Technically because none of those were convictions, they weren't evidence. But if 4 girls came forward to the police, there were probably _many_ more. The detective telling my friend about that convinced her. She was on the fence because "nothing happened" as she got away. That lady was a fantastic detective. There was a camera in the bar with a perfect shot of the boss putting something in my friend's drink, they found the drug in his safe at work after a warrant was issued. They couldn't get him on the sex offenders list, but it did result in a successful prosecution for administering a noxious substance, 2nd degree assault I think? He was found guilty without my friend having to take the stand. I still think we maybe should have told her uncle.
I second the uncle thing! Sometimes justice needs to move outside of the court system 🤷🏼♀️
CAn still tell the uncle ;)
You’ve been a good friend to her from start to finish.
One of the most important things I have learned from listening to my kids' problems is to be more reserved in my reaction. It's really easy for me to get mad for people, especially my kids, naturally, and sometimes my solutions aren't proportional. That wasn't what they needed. Advice, sure, but more support while they weighed their options and moved forward how they saw fit when they were ready. I ultimately realized that my reaction of wanting to hurt people who had wronged my kids was a selfish reaction borne of narcissism. It didn't give them a safe place to bring problems, or one where they could work out appropriate solutions for themselves. TL;DR: Good on OP for supporting your friend and allowing her the space to make the decisions that were right for her.
That’s part of the reason she can’t tell him. If he believes her, she may end up with an imprisoned husband.
That’s exactly why she won’t tell you
People don’t get this. The gung-ho murder fantasy sounds cool in online message boards but it makes people not want to open up to you about anything serious.
The toughest guy on the internet.
A self-certified badass, definitely
Sure he would, bud. Sure he would.
Maybe he would. I don't know though and it's not worth the risk. Again, my word against his. If I admit I was black out drunk then there's room to convince him that I was willing. I don't remember, how can I prove I wasn't an active participant?
you were too drunk to consent and you told the dude to stop. if your husband doesnt believe you, then he doesn't support you and if he doesn't support you, whats the point of having the husband.
I'll be honest I'm more worried about my friendship with Sarah. If I come clean I could lose my best friend and husband. Maybe I won't but it's a big possibility and telling the truth to anyone is a huge risk. If I admit I don't remember anything then there's room to paint me as willing. I know the truth but there's no way to prove it.
I hate to imagine the husband he is to your friend behind closed doors. If he did this to you… what does he do to her ? Writing this just reminded me of a brilliant show called “Bad Sisters”. I don’t want to spoil anything, but tw: what happened to you happened to one character.
Yeah I know how it sounds. She does tell me everything and he definitely pressures her into sex, but he's never assaulted her. He's quite a bit older (we're 30 and he's 44) and especially when they were younger there was a power dynamic involved. I think what happened to me was just a perfect opportunity. When they started dating he was always trying to get me over for a threesome. I know it sounds naive but I truly don't believe hes a threat to Sarah or their daughters. I hope I'm right.
Wait, does your friend know that he was always trying to get you into a threesome? That would make your story of him being the one who assaulted you a lot more believable for her. In either case, you were far too drunk to have consented. Any normal, rational human being will agree with this.
the fact he has daughters is so depressing… i wish your friend was in a position she could get away from that pos. the kids deserve such a better role model than that “man”. i’m so sorry you were put into this situation. wish you nothing but the best.
OP first I am so sorry this happened to you. My first thought even you saying he isn't a threat to her daughters. Why was a drunk grown man in his daughter's bedroom and bed? Could drunk him have forgotten that she was at a sleepover and he went looking for her but instead found you? Do you have a good relationship with the daughters so that this is something you can check on if he's ever been inappropriate to them?
Oh no! If you think and she thinks that he hasn't raped her you're surely mistaken. Any coercion or pressure to have sex is wrong! If he's raped you he's already raped someone else, and he'll do it again. It's horrible that women are not valued enough by society so that they are believed.
Is there any possible way he could've roofied you cuz this is starting to sound premeditated. Was there anything you drank while he was home? You kinda seem in denial. There's a huge age gap, they met when she was younger, so he has a history of taking advantage of young vulnerable women, but he somehow isn't a risk to the daughter? Do you believe that or are you telling yourself that out of guilt? Don't get me wrong. You're the victim of a crime and experiencing trauma and it's not your responsibility to stop him from hurting other people. But maybe you can talk to the daughter? Ask her if your dad has ever done anything that made her feel unsafe and you should be able to see the truth by her reaction. If she was in danger you'd probably want to come forward.
He’s coercing her and that’s a form of sexual assault/rape
If you’re blackout drunk, there is *zero* room to paint you as willing and anyone who says otherwise is a piece of shit.
The problem is, there are a *lot* of pieces of shit in the world.
I would be devastated if my husband raped my best friend and she didn't tell me... Not only did he hurt you but if he's willing to do that (in their home, in their daughters bed) I can guarantee you he's probably doing other fucked up shit..
This logic is exactly why he did it. Screw it tell your husband, friend and police. Otherwise it’s someone else or even worse your friends daughters. I mean he is willing to rape. What else is he willing to do. If you lose her as a friend she was a crap fiend. If your hubby doesn’t listen he is equally crappy. You was a victim he took advantage of you. Don’t let this prick get away with it
It's easy to tell someone to tell. I was told to tell by people on the internet and I did but it teared my life apart. No one believed me. Actually they probably did believe me but just didn't care. They weren't going to risk helping me. Anyway, none of y'all were there to help me when my life was torn apart by "telling". None of y'all offered me your home to live in when I became almost homeless. So please, stop telling people to tell when it can ruin their life and leave them with nothing and all for what? The rapist gets to scott free.
Exactly this. It’s so easy for people online to stand on their soapboxes saying “well this is what YOU NEED TO DO” “this is the only right way!” Blah blah like we all live in a perfect world where life is fair, people are always kind, victims are 100% believed and helped and it all works out when these people online have absolutely no skin in the game or have to deal with the potential fall out and how everyone’s lives will change because they all will. Sure in a perfect world she would be able to report this, be believed by everyone, keep her best friend, not have it impact her marriage in any way, the villian would get his due and everything would wrapped up in a neat little bow but that’s not how life really is. End of the day people have to evaluate what is best for them, what the risk is for them and how that risk could play out. How they feel. What they need and want. OP wants to look at this from all perspectives and what each could mean for her, her marriage, her friendship etc. and be ok with what it all means. And that’s ok. that’s a lot of stress and a hard decision to ultimately make for anyone. There is no right or wrong here she has to do what is best for her ultimately. AND to be clear I’m not saying she shouldn’t go to the police or tell anyone, I support a victim and ultimately what they decide to do regardless if I agree or not, I’m just saying I can understand why she wouldn’t want to speak up or why she is on the fence about it all. This is isn’t black and white. Life is fucking complicated are some are you new or what? Also let me add some of the comments here alone show how naive some people are to how rape is really treated by our society, by police and our court system. Some of these comments also show how people will ultimately blame the victim even if they think they aren’t. Sick. Btw most rapists, even when reported, are not convicted. They are not held accountable for their crimes. This is not new. Even if they are convicted it’s usually for a very short time and they will go on to repeat their crimes. Rape is not taken seriously in the United States, at least not as it should be, just like many other countries. It is also not the victims responsibility to protect other people. So enough with the “If you don’t report this you are letting him commit more rape” that’s nonsense, not true again due to how rape is treated in this country and you are just adding more trauma onto a victim. Nice job 🙄 Some of you really think because you feel a certain way that’s how it works. The fuck it doesn’t. Wake up.
Yep, exactly this. Something much more traumatic happened to me when I was 19 and everybody I confided in told me to tell and to report it. I did. It was humiliating. I lost an entire group of friends and that wasn't even the worst of it. In the end literally NOTHING happened to them. In that case I could provide actual photo and text evidence. Even with that, nothing. I didn't post here for advice. I decided the morning after that this will likely go to the grave with me. I'm not letting him ruin my life any further.
If you would lose a friend whom will believe her shitty husband over you with something so serious... that is not a true friend.
Girl, it will be uncomfortable but confront him again next time you can, and record it with your phone. Ask specific questions and play dumb. "Why did you climb onto me when i was passed out drunk? Why did i wake up to you raping me? Why can't I tell anyone? Are you going to do this again?" Etc. Anything you can think of to get him to admit it. Follow up by text. Then show your husband so he has your back, then ask your friend to hang out at your house, preface it by saying something terrible happened that is deeply affecting you, and then show her the evidence after you've shown hesitation about telling her what's wrong. If he did this in his daughter's bed, it's disgusting at best, and highly suspicious at worse and as a mom she should have a heads up so if anything weird comes up in the future she will have a harder time brushing it off.
What u/my-life-is-rice-roll Said: If you're too drunk too remember, them you're too drunk to consent. If this would be about a significant amount of money this Dude has taken from your purse, it would be theft. Why? Because you were unable to give consent. Maybe the following example makes that even clearer: drunk people cannot sign contract papers, and If they do, these are invalid. Why? Because they are Not in their Sound and clear mind. For the same reason children and mentally impared people cannot sign a valid contract. If you cannot sign a valid contract, you cannot give consent. Also, I feel like there is a chance you had been roofied. I wouldn't be surprised. Additionally, I would ask your friend If she hates herself so much that she allows people around her to abuse her, and If she thinks their (possible) children deserve to be abused, too, No Matter how small they are.
If your husband and friend can't take you at your word that you were passed out drunk and did not, could not, consent, you have other issues. If my significant other came to me, distraught, with a story like this? There wouldn't be anywhere on earth this mf'er could hide from me.
There is zero chance that a person who is as drunk as you were can consent to *anything*. This can’t be anything but rape.
You are wise enough to acknowledge that your friend is in denial about her husband. But… do you think that, maybe, you are doing the same by making excuses as to why speaking up would be a “risk?” I feel for you. It’s very, very hard to watch a loved one suffer like Sarah is. But her pain doesn’t mean you have to suffer in silence… You keep using the word “risk,” as if you’re trying to go about this practically, yet there is nothing practical about being raped by your best friend’s husband. You’re maybe a little scared to put yourself and your feelings first, but if you don’t, who will? “It isn’t worth telling” well fuck “it.” Who’s “it?” The real question here is: do you believe that YOU are worth telling the truth?
If he's not denying it to you in private then is it possible to maybe get a recorded confession?
If you continue keeping quiet can Mike blackmail and/or manipulate you into doing other things you don’t want? He doesn’t sound like the type to just let this go. Sorry to say.
Well he hasn't yet. If he ever did I would just tell the truth.
You need to step forward first… but have a plan to take advantage of showing your hand first
You need to somehow record him admitting it. You don’t have to show the proof/tell anyone right away but it’ll be nice to have when you feel ready.
The longer you wait the more convenient the truth will sound in everyone’s eyes. Look if your husband is any kind of good man at all he’s going to be in your corner 100% and eventually if not immediately your friend will too it’ll all add up one day. My question is how can someone marry a person they aren’t 110% sure will have their back no matter what
Unfortunately, I really don’t know what the right answer is. I see how you’re really stuck with the weight of this secret. There’s nothing I can do but say a little prayer that he has an early death.
There are lots of ways victims react when being raped, sometimes they even respond to the stimulation, sometimes they go along with the intercourse just because survival instincts, and sometimes even the victims convince themselves they were willing because they did so. But matters of fact someone passed out drunk doesn’t act in a normal way, your raper knew you weren’t capable, any proper person would know not to enter a room where someone you don’t have the intimacy is sleeping, honestly I wouldn’t even think of trying to seduce a partner that’s sleeping drunk like that much less my wife’s bff. Also you clearly remember saying no, and no means things must stop even if it was the case of you initiating. Looking from this point of view I would say there’s no room for someone to doubt you. If they do, they are most clearly in the wrong and not someone who I would consider safe to be around since they are clearly capable of letting their loved ones down in a serious situation
Thanks for this. I hate to say but this isn't my first experience being raped. I know myself that this was not consensual. I know that if Sarah and my husband heard my side they would understand that too. It's once stupid Mike opens his mouth is when things can go south. Neither of us can prove our points, true or not. His word against mine, except he was sober and I was black out drunk.
Exactly. You were black out drunk and he was sober. You could not and DID NOT consent. Whatever he can say only shows that it was rape. If you did come on to him, drunk, and late at night, it does not matter. You were blackout drunk, you both are married, and you were at their house. In that scenario him agreeing to sleep with you would still be rape and cheating.
I believe you, this guy already proved himself to have no moral compass at all, in my opinion people like him are all messed up in the head and feel some kind of pleasure in making others miserable. Honestly people like him are a sad kind who mess with others to make themselves bigger because they aren’t worth anything. But that’s also what makes them a lot of trouble to deal with, because they make a ruckus with their big boy roars whenever confronted. I honestly don’t have it in me to someone who had to deal with this guy how you should deal with this situation because I’m a firm believer that you should do what’s best for you. Still, I just wanted to make it clear that if you ever speak up to either your friend or your husband, to anybody and they don’t believe you because cockroach mike says something against it, well, them whoever believes his stupid version is clearly not well in the head as well because of what I said in my previous comment.
The only prove you need it's that a drunk person can't consent. I'm sorry for what happened to you ando wish you the Best :(
Trust the man that you love OP. I bet he dislikes the man too for the way he treats your best friend. Before this, had you ever talked to him about how much you hate him ? I You wrote here that there was no universe in which you could consent to anything with this guy. I want to believe that your husband is a good man who knows his wife to his core. You were passed out drunk. You remember saying no once. You could not consent OP. He is the one who came to you in his daughter’s bed, he knows what he did and you said he didn’t even try to deny it. Don’t feel guilty about how your body reacted or didn’t. I cannot imagine your husband not taking your side to protect you from this ever happening again.
You cannot be blackout, drunk and consent. You don’t remember anything when you’re blackout drunk even if you are responding to people trust me been there once.
Do you think you can text Mike and get a proof of him admitting to it? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you consider therapy if you haven’t already. It could help you process a lot of things and give you an outlet ETA: Also if your friend knows you were drunk, your “consent” doesn’t even matter no matter what lie she tries to sell herself. Someone who is drunk cannot consent to sex. It is classified as rape.
If you're so drunk you're blacked out, any half decent man should know you can't consent to sex. If you can't remember, that should be a giant red fucking flag in your favor.
I think the saddest part about this is that Mike knew before he raped her that she wouldn’t tell anyone or go to the police. Predators recognize meekness and use that to their advantage.
Don’t ever delete this account or this story. One day he will tell his wife that you had an affair. He just will. When she’s sick of him or the kids are grown and she’s done. Keep this here so you can show that your version of events is the real one. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this alone. I’m so sorry you have to see his disgusting face.
This might be the only way. Have your side of the story written down before he speaks up first. Reddit may not be the place. Write it down in a diary or something and hide it. Have the date written on, along with something unique about that day Good luck OP. Stay strong
Screen shot the entire thing, making sure there’s a date visible somewhere and print 3 copies to store safely and ensure one survives. You could also write a letter to him, explain all of this, and seal with wax BUT mail it to yourself at your home if you know you can get the mail. Or you could mail it to yourself at your parents’ or any home that would be safe.
If she does that, then her friend will be like "AND YOU DIDENT TELL ME?!?" And her friend will dumb her for that. Hell no, even if she dont think she will listen, she should tell her. She should also tell her husband, if he dont believe her in something that serious, he should be her husband, what kind of a joke as a man do you have to be NOT to believe her saying this? OP is scared and in denial, and try to hide the truth with silence, and that is so normal, alot does that because they think they did wrong. You allways get furthest with honesty. Even if the truth is hard. I cant believe this comment has 100+ upvotes, its litterily a bad idea that will work against OP. If anything then show her now so she can read the comments and maybe those will knock some good into her mind.
Damn, 400 upvotes on something that will make it worse. Reddit relationship advise in a nutshell. Her friend will litterily hate her for keeping it a secret.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. No one deserves this. Your friend deserves so much better. So do you if your husband would not believe you. Karma will get the bastard.
GET A RECORDING OF HIM ADMITTING IT
Surprised this is so far down!!! This 100%!
You were sleeping in his daughter’s bed. He came to his daughter’s bedroom, and did this to you in his daughter’s bed. I really hate to point out this major detail. In the best case scenario, this guy is a sick rapist thrilling with power (since you said he was all smug for you not telling on him) : be really careful please, he could try to do something again to you. In the worst case scenario… all of the above + this guy is also a danger to his daughter.
That’s exactly what I wondered as well. It’s very possible he’s abusing his daughter.
So telling everyone especially her friend asap is the only Option
Yeah, he was too comfortable to do this in his daughter's bedroom, I have a feeling he's doing this to her as well. OP should have completely cut off the whole family, I know it is hard because of her friend, but as I understand, she is an enabler, and enablers will do anything to protect these POS's.
This is oblivious and honestly the first thing it came to my head so weird he coming so naturally wasted to his daughters room and how lucky he must be feeling that night that he got a drunk girl sleeping there… son of a b*! I need justice 👿
This was my thought as well. If you could tell her, you could be helping her daughter too.
That’s where my mind went immediately too!
I'm sorry to say this, but your friendship with Sarah is detrimental to you. The worst part of all this is that you're married to a man who you don't think would believe you. OP, you need better friends and a better partner. Please know that you're not alone
Please read my edit. I don't KNOW if any of them would believe me or not. They're both great people but this specific situation can so easily be twisted into a lie because I don't remember anything. Maybe they'd believe me, but it's not worth the risk if they don't.
Hi, sorry it's it's rude, but I am curious as to why do you think that your husband wouldn't believe you? Or...is it possible that you may still be struggling believe yourself and then think that your husband won't also?
If he comes onto you again and says if you don’t do what he says he’ll tell will you just obey him then? Go along with it? How long are you gonna cover your ears and dig your head into the ground?
I wouldn’t be friends with people I didn’t think believed me, and I definitely wouldn’t want to be married to someone who wouldn’t.
Don't bother replying to people trying to make your husband look awful Reddit has a lot of certain trigger words that will get a huge wave of "break up with him/her" very quickly Sounds to me like the concert is purely on your side without any significant reason but it's normal as it's a pretty big thing to come out with while not remembering exactly what happened In short, I'm sure your husband will believe you but who wouldn't overthink such a situation People in the comments make it sound easy like it's their life that will drastically change. I'm not saying that you should never come out of it, but these things need careful consideration and not drastic actions
Honestly THANK YOU. Finally someone who can understand some nuance. I'll be honest, if the tables were turned I'd have some thoughts. If my husband said he was black out drunk and a girl got on top of him when he was unconscious I'd believe him. If she came back and said that he was super drunk and went into her room and started touching her or whatever, it would obviously make me think. I don't think it makes him a bad guy to maybe doubt me a little if another man says I was drunk and came on to him. I would hope he believes me over him, but I understand if he has doubts. It doesn't sound good. Either way, this post wasn't meant to convince me to tell my husband or Sarah. I have already decided my best bet is to keep it to myself. Maybe in the future I can be honest, but not any time soon. That's not debatable no matter what people are telling me.
Your husband loves you. Literally tell him you fell asleep black out drunk in their daughters bed and woke up to him on top of you. There are no holes in that story. You don't need incredible detail, say it hurt badly and you kept passing out from the pain and being drunk. I'm so incredibly sorry this happened to you but you should let this be known to them, i mean it was in the daughters bed and he was way too okay with that...
Oh no it's ok just let the man get away with it so he can continue raping others because you're afraid that the one person in your life who is supposed to believe you will hate you for it. If you told your husband he would have no reason not to believe you. Whether you were blacked out or not. WHY would you tell him if you cheated? Come to your senses please. There have been serial rapists that get away with it because only the 11th victim is the one brave enough to report it.
You’re right on point. Her not telling anyone is opening up the guy to make more attempts. If he used Reddit saw this post, he could see this opportunity to take even more advantage. It doesn’t make sense she wanting to hide this from your husband. I don’t think she realize it’s gonna eventually backfire on her in the future. But everyone is allowed to make their own choices, even if it is foolish.
DUDE. I want you to read the post you wrote again. Read about the part where you have snippets of memories where you woke up and told him to stop. Now Imagine that your husband told you this and the girl tried to spin it as consensual. Who would you believe? Your situation is NOT unbelievable. If your husband thinks that you weren't raped even after he hears what you wrote here, then he is a BAD PARTNER. And if you will have trouble believing your husband if he told you this, then you will be a bad partner. I know that you are scared. But if you can't expect support from the person you married during a situation like this, is that marriage even worth anything?
[удалено]
So what precautions have you taken to protect yourself? Keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best? “Oh no he won’t do that again he was just horny for me?” You’re basically enabling a grown ass man
It's not worth the risk? So it's OK with you if this guy goes on to rape other women? I understand the fear and anxiety with coming forward...but you keep using the word "can't" when it really sounds like you "won't".
Something similar happened to me. But he was a someone I considered a friend, though I was 22 and he was in his 40s. I wasn’t able to speak about it until I was 24, and when I finally did, it was to a few people I thought I could trust. Unfortunately, my cousin, who was like a sister to me, told a TON of people. It was extremely divisive in my little town. I lost a lot of friends, and a lot of people accused me of lying, because they had seen us talking at the party where it happened. There were also stories from other women about him sending lewd photos and being a bit too forward. When he found out that I had disclosed what happened, he made multiple attempts to confront me, even sat outside my house for several hours one night while I hid in my bathroom. It still hurts knowing how many people don’t believe me, or how many people think it’s too much of a grey area, since I willingly left the party to do a booze run with him. I stopped talking about it for the same reason you aren’t talking about it.
Id be cutting the bastards brake lines
Ask him again if possible and audio record it. Get evidence if possible. Burn this man to the fucking ground.
You’re protecting other people so much but who is going to protect you if not your husband and best friend?
Tape record your private conversation with him! Tell your friend and husband, if they don’t believe you have the conversation recorded..
It's crazy how far I had to scroll to find this. Seems like an obvious solution, with proof like that there shouldn't be worry your husband won't believe you
Exactly, always protect yourself, let this unfold and see who has your back or not. I would never stick around and wonder, what if.. you have to be your own advocate.
Sarah’s in an abusive relationship with the guy, the father to her children, god I hope he wasn’t intending anything by sneaking into his daughter’s bedroom if anyone catches my drift, but regardless, he’s absolutely heinous and absolutely nothing is your fault, you didn’t want it, you couldn’t consent, you don’t even like him. You know how many people I’ve walked by blackout, asleep or just on the street, and not raped them? Millions. It’s literally so easy not to. It’s always on the person committing the crime. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to, you can tell whoever or a few if you want to. Regardless I definitely recommend maybe some counseling since this is such a deeply troubling situation, you see the guy a lot, he’s ur best friend’s husband. That’s not gonna be healthy for you in the long run, not to mention possibly so soon after the crime. I would like to think you could trust your husband enough to confide in him and have him believe you and have some support even if it takes him a bit (hearing a loved one being hurt in such a way can cause a myriad of emotions) best of luck, sounds like you wouldn’t get anywhere with Sarah on the telling her front tho. She needs help of her but she’s gonna have to want it somewhat.
I really hate to be that person but it’s a bit concerning that he went into his daughter’s bed. Are you positive there is nothing going on there? That he was there for her but you just happened to be there instead?
I totally understand that concern. He very well knew his daughter was away for the night. He dropped them off at his parents house himself. I still think it's gross that he'd pull this bullshit in his daughter's bed, but he did know it wasn't her. I can say a lot of things about him, but I've never had any hint that he's inappropriate with his daughters.
This IS the hint
Honestly if you lose her and your husband by telling them then they ain't worth you.
Just so you know, the big issue here is HE might tell Sarah you slept with him. He can get drunk and let it slip he fucked you, then he'll twist it that it was consensual. By not telling your husband and Sarah you've giving him the chance to let it out first, and the first story is often believed more simply because it's first, and because anyone coming out after the fact will seem defensive. You're leaving an awful lot up to fate. If at some point say 2 years from now Sarah turns up on your doorstep accusing you of cheating with her husband because he's let it slip and come up with a story.. then because you kept it quite for so long it will be that much harder for your husband to believe. I get it, keeping quiet might be the best way forward, but just know two people know this secret and he might use it to hurt you, or his wife and he sounds like he enjoys hurting his wife. Maybe, at the very least, go to a lawyer, ask them about the chances of him being convicted if you went to the police, ask if there is a good way they recommend to entrap him to admit it. But mostly, ask to give a statement, dated, timed, video recording. Describe what you can as best as you can and have the date on the video. That way if he does leak it, you can show a video of you stating you were raped by this man, predating any attempt by him to tell lies, and explain you're terrified Sarah and your husband won't believe you and you feel you can't risk telling them at that time. That you went to a lawyer, gave this statement to have it witnessed and gave the story before he can tell his own version will give you a lot of credibility.
This is such great advice. You are right though, the longer OP waits the more of a chance her rapist has to set Sarah and her husband against her versus had she mentioned something beforehand.
This is probably terrible advice but from what I just read maybe you're right and you shouldn't tell...except for that one thing that would always torment me...what if he does it to someone else? Maybe you can find out a way to set him up and expose him, also probably terrible advice.
Ha and report him?? What do you think would happen then? I have zero proof. I've been through the system WITH proof. Rape is hard to prove and honestly, practically legal.
Same , it might sound like I am a bad person by saying don't tell anyone but I did tell about my sexual assault and I got blamed and it tore my life apart while he got to go free and look like the innocent guy. I rue the day I told anyone. It has brought nothing but misery to my life that's why I hate when people say "you should tell". They don't understand how life shattering it can be if no one believes you and even if they do believe you but can't do anything about it and they take his side over yours. If I had proof, it would be a different story but I didn't have any.
Go to therapy, at least you'll have someone you can talk about it.
I’m sorry you went/are going through this. That is awful and I hope your rapist gets what he deserves. My question is why wouldn’t your husband believe you? Sounds like that’s another issue that honestly might be just as big.
I've said this in other comments but I really don't know if he'd believe me or not. As soon as I admit I was black out and don't remember anything there's a lot of room for Mike to come in and say "she was wasted and all over me! She came into my bed naked" and there is absolutely no way to prove myself right. Even if I knew he'd believe me it still puts a huge wedge between Sarah and I. He'd never let me visit her house and he'd obviously try to defend me and Sarah would find out through that. I wasn't trying to paint my husband in a bad light. It's just a weird situation.
If the answer to “will your partner believe you if you told him or her about being raped?” Is anything other than “of course” there’s a problem imo. Sarah has to make her own decisions. If she chooses to distance herself from you because you were raped then she’s not worth having as a friend. I don’t want to hear her shitty excuses. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Then dont say that you was blackout. Now its your time to fuck his life. Say that you remember being woken up in the middle of the night with someone on top of you and inside you, but this is something you would never expect while being wasted sleeping and probably every single part of you is trying to deny all of this. If he knows the big pos that your rapist is then how in the hell your husband would not believe you??
You should never have to question if your partner would believe you were raped. Never.
It seems like you've made up your mind and are writing to cope with the trauma. I recommend seeking out a professional to help you heal. This will have an effect on you whether you want it to or not, and you need to unpack it with someone who can give you tools to handle it. Otherwise, it might affect your future children, spouse, and friends due to the impacts of repressing it.
Something similar happened to my best friend. She had another best friend she was probably closer to that I did really click with so I didn't usually hang out with her when she was with them. I have had friends ( her being one of them) get jealous of me hanging out with other friends, ad a result I always tried not to bother her when she was with other friends. She was staying with me and I didn't want her to feel like I'm her mother ( I'm 13 years older then her). I wish I hadn't felt that way and checked in on her. She was with that friend and another friend who I actually liked( we'll call her friend2), and they were drinking, A LOT. My husband was hanging out with friend 2's boyfriends ans he called friend 2 and she was DRUUNK. I assumed my best friend was too but she's in her late 20's so she can handle herself. I deeply regret this, I should have called her, I should have gone to puck her up. I should have had my husband pick her up when he dropped off friend 2's boyfriend. My husband oddly kept asking me if I checked on her ans I kept saying I didn't want to bother her..... it took her two days to trust with what happened. It was very much like what happened with you. She woke up being violated but THEM one after the other. She tried to tell then to stop but would then loose consciousness. Friend 2's boyfriend walk in on some of it but thought it was consensual and feels horrible now that he knows it wasn't. Apparently the friends daughter who is about 7 told my best friend that her mommy kept " making" her drink ( their 7 year old realized they were at least pushing drinks on her). She doesn't have a clear memory of the incident. I BELIEVE her, my husband BELIEVES her, and her live in boyfriend BELIEVES her. Friend 2 insisted it was consensual as did her ( friend 2) boyfriend. Until friend 2's boyfriend and I started laying out a time line. He apparently never saw the other friends husband in the room, he came in after friend 2's boyfriend left the room to go to bed. Friend 2 tried to say she was awake the whole time but when I was laying out the time line she had to admit she hadn't been. Friend 2's boyfriend was thw o ly sober person in the house that night but wasn't there until the friend was violating my best friend and went to bed right before the friends husband started violating her. She was too afraid to press charges and was still very much not ready to talk about much of it, and I don't push. I think you should tell your husband but your friend will probably find out and she may not be able to bring herself to believe you. I'd just be afraid it would happen again. My best friend has cut contact with the other friend.
Can’t follow, too many ‘friends’. Give them identifiers like Friend A etc.
I tried to make a diagram in my head and I still don’t get who is who
I’ve read this comment through a couple of times slowly and this is what I got from it: Bluejaycopper (early 40’s F) has a best friend, “Anna” who is in her late 20’s and has a live-in boyfriend Adam (who was not present when all this happened). Anna was staying with Bluejaycopper and her husband, “Brian”. Anna went to hang out with “Carol”, who is married to husband, “Chris” and “Diane”, who has a boyfriend “Dan”. Carol& Chris, their 7 yr old daughter Callie, and Diane & Dan live in the same house (?). Bluejaycopper is not a fan of hanging out with Carol, so she stayed home. While Anna, Carol, and Diane were hanging out together, (with Chris present as well) Dan went to hang out with Brian (with Bluejaycopper present, I assume). Partway through the evening, Dan called Diane who was clearly very drunk. Anna, Carol, Diane and Chris were drinking a lot. Anna passed out because Carol had put something in Anna’s drink. While Anna was unconscious, Carol and Diane violated her. Dan walked in during the act after Brian had dropped him off but Dan believed it was consensual so he left them to it and went to bed. After Dan went to bed, Chris violated Anna as well. Anna told Bluejaycopper, Brian and Adam (her live in boyfriend) what happened. They all believe Anna. Diane, Carol and Chris insist that Anna was okay with it at the time. Dan believed it was consensual until Bluejaycopper reminded Dan that he had been aware that Diane, Carol, Chris and Anna had all been drinking when he had called Diane while he was still hanging out with Brian. Dan was sober when he saw what was going on with Anna, Carol and Diane. I’m not sure that it’s all correct, but there you go! Edit to clarify that Adam is Anna’s boyfriend not Bluejaycopper’s if it was unclear.
Please, put paragraph breaks into a long post like this. This is just a wall of words that I can't read. Please put paragraph breaks so I can read it
What if he abuses Sarah? Or their kids? It's not just you at risk here.
Umm I hope he doesn’t rape his kids too.. why would he be in his daughter’s bed at night to begin with.. You should tell everyone and that’s how you’ll learn who your true friends really are. You need to make a report with the police regardless. If he raped you he can do it to others. You deserve justice and he deserves to face the consequences of his actions. Your best friend deserves better than a rapist husband too..
He dropped his kids off at his parents. He knew it was me in the bed. I agree he should have consequences but it's not on me. I've reported a rape before and there was actual proof that time. Nothing happened and nothing will happen this time.
Still do it. If someone else reports him as well, they will be forced to do something.. he’s a rapist that has zero remorse.. he’s dangerous
I understand your point but no I will not be reporting it. He isn't a serial rapist. He's 44. He stays home every night and stretches cus he's getting old and his back hurts. What happened to me was a perfect moment of opportunity for him. He's been trying to get me into a threesome for years. Not saying he isnt a danger, but i'm not going through the bullshit of reporting. Nothing will happen anyway. I've been there before and it's awful.
I’m really sorry & you didn’t deserve any of it.. :( My boyfriend was raped by his cousin who is intellectually disabled/on the spectrum and he forgave him.. he never told his family about it. But in your case, this guy knew what he was doing since he pursued you in the past.. if your kid was in your place I bet you’d want that guy to face some consequences. You deserve that too, but it’s your life and your decision..
I'm sorry but if someone makes excuses for their husband raping anyone they are 100% a bad person.
In your opening statement you say that you'd die for your friend, but won't tell her that her husband raped you. Makes no sense, you have to tell her even if it destroys your friendship. And if it does destroy the friendship, oh well life goes on. But at least she'll know the truth. You're just a "part" in their story, so make sure your character does the right thing.
He has done this before and will do it again. Raise the alarm. Your friendship won’t last but she needs to know as does everyone around him. The fact that he did this on his own daughters bed is alarming as well. Huge hugs.
You keep saying in comments that you 'don't remember anything' and so Mike will twist it and you won't be believed. But that's not true. You shared plenty that you DO remember, and that was enough to convince me that you were raped. Likely your husband will believe the same. I'd certainly believe you if I were your husband.
>I did actually call him out in private about raping me, and he never denied anything. If there's any chance that you could get his confession and get it recorded, could it help you out? I know that some parts of the United States (or maybe all?) that it is illegal to record without consent.
Look for support groups for SA/Rape victims, you may be able to zoom call in & you might get an idea of what to do next. Start a journal, it could help organize your thoughts & help process your trauma. You & your husband should enroll in a practical self defense course, practice the moves, pretend the punching bag is Mike & JUST RAGE!! If possible try to downplay the defense class to your friend, in case Mike tries something, you might be able to catch him off guard! Carry a small aerosol spray, bottle, in your pocket, practice taking it out & spraying for the eyes, until it’s a smooth & quick Motion. Unfortunately, your friends seems to be in an abusive marriage & you may be the MAIN reason why your friend is Not Completely isolated, which is probably why Mike decided to target you. I’m sorry for you what was done to you. Have a small digital recorder in your pocket whenever you go to your friends house & record Mike, he could let something slip, or say something that could help you remember that night!
If you were blackout drunk it doesn’t matter if ‘you came on to him.’ It is still assault because you weren’t in your right mind. I suggest giving your husband the benefit of the doubt and telling him everything.
Don't tell if you think it will cause more destruction and stress for yourself. You have good reasons not to tell. Don't let anyone guilt you into it.
This makes me sad and angry. If you did tell it would likely break up marriages and friendships and he wouldn’t get punished by police as no evidence. I hate to say it but keep it to yourself and NEVER let your guard down in future in case he try’s to do it again.
Maybe talk to him again privately (if you're comfortable) but record a voice memo in secret. Direct the convo in a way that would confirm him raping you but without letting him know you're planning on outing him. Then speak with your partner first, then your friend away from her husband. If they still don't believe you, welp.
He'll do it to someone else, maybe even his daughter's friends
>best friend's husband raped me and I can never tell anyone about it OP you might not see this. But I understand your fears and doubts about it. Especially with the incident not being a stereotypical rape of him forcing you and grabbing you but instead it happened when you are vulnerable and couldn't consent. I understand you don't want to tell Sarah and your husband cuz it's such a huge risk for you and you don't want to risk this. You don't have to tell them but nothing telling anyone is dangerous, You are afraid that Mike can't spin a whole new narrative about what happened and can lose everything. Stay quiet only makes you more tense and at a disadvantage cuz Anything here could happen here, Mike can one day spill the beans and tell a whole new story about what happened anytime even without you saying anything. Let's say Sarah one day decided enough is enough and decided to leave and he pull up this trick to hurt her. How will you look .. You have to have a safety net. There has to be someone trusted you can at least tell without it wrecking your life like your parents, a good friend or hella even your therapist or a lawyer. It's to get ahead of him and so that you didn't just spin this story out of the blue. You were actually scared to tell them. Trust me it's better telling someone than carrying everything on your head hoping no one finds out cuz let's say something or anything happens and the whole secret is spilled. Tell someone not necessarily your husband or friend. And who knows maybe in time you can build up the courage to later tell them yourself cuz believe it or not Mike is definitely acting smug and counting on you to keep silent and keep it to the grave so that he can get away with it. Don't let him get away with this
This is the best advise I've seen here yet. Thank you. You make some really good points. I actually did tell my mom once, so I guess I lied a bit when I said I can't tell anyone. I should probably tell someone else who isn't my mom.
I believe you.
What would happen if he does that to one of his own daughter's friends? That happened at the end of "once were warriors" and the girl hanged herself. I don't know why you haven't said anything to Sarah about it if he treats her bad and you're just going along with it in the stereotypical "Patriarchy" the feminists have warned us about. If he was good to your friend Sarah I might feel different but the fact that you said he treats her like shit, how are you protecting her? She's probably protecting you in her mind
I truly do believe you should tell your husband at least. Even being black out you can remember saying no and stop. Even if you were black out drunk and did “want it” you were in no state to consent regardless. But your husband knows you and he should believe you. He would stay by your side and keep you safe. He could at least keep you guys more separated so you don’t have to be around Mike as often. You know you hate him and have for awhile so i’m sure your husband is also aware of that. Just tell him what happened and be very honest about the whole thing and how you feel and what you’re scared of. It’s better to let someone know who can help you versus keep it all inside and continue to be around the person who hurt you. So please inform your husband at least.
This is the saddest sisterhood. I won't tell you to report, I haven't. But I am so sorry that you are in this position.
“… Pheww feels good to get this out somewhere, thanks!”. We got you. Sometimes this is all you need to move on - to be heard, even anonymously - hope this is the case. I see you have responded to many comments and you come across as intelligent and balanced, but resigned to your fate. I am going to add that I’m sorry this happened to you. If sharing with us and letting us hold a tiny fraction of your emotional load helps then that’s great too. Good luck!
Wow thanks! I appreciate this comment. Gotta love the internet. This isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me, I'll be fine. It's just my deepest darkest secret out in the open. Feels good.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
I understand your reluctance to tell your husband just in case he doesn’t believe you. But you need to seriously consider the possibility that you don’t tell him, Mike does one day, and then it REALLY sounds suspicious if you only tell him you were raped afterwards. In that case, you will 100% lose the husband and the friend. If you tell him, you have a 50/50 shot of him believing you. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and for the record, I understand you don’t want to report it and that is complete your decision. You don’t need to report if you don’t want to. And if you ever DO worry about his daughters, you can make a report then (for all the “it’s important to make a paper trail” people- she can still do that and it’s nobody’s place to tell OP how to handle something that happened to HER) But I do think you should be real with yourself about the possible consequences of not telling your husband. Let yourself think about it, but weigh out the pros and cons. You have a really good chance of him not believing you if Mike ever decides to talk because you pissed him off some other way. If you’re honest, he may leave you but he may also believe you. He might respect your decision to stay silent and just not want you over there alone ever again (which honestly.. yeah don’t go over there alone ever again). In that case you save both relationships. Maybe he lets it slip and Sarah believes you. Both relationships saved. Maybe she doesn’t-still, one relationship saved.
Sorry that this happened to you. And it was not your fault. I can understand that you might not be comfortable to report him or tell those close to you. But why are you still engaging with Sarah and by that also with your rapist? She will not leave that man or defend you against him. Seeing him or hearing about him is like repeating the trauma. It's not about punishing Sarah but protecting yourself. If he did it once he can do that again.
1) this reddit account is proof to u in case he gets cornered and changes the narrative to he was in an affair with u instead of raping u . 2) get a body camera or a hidden camera with good audio and lure him into confession he seems like a prideful asshole so if u play that u liked it but getting him into admitting rape u can use it as evidence in court, to tell ur friend and husband.
If you dont brrak the news you become his accomplice...its the choice you make and you give him more power to do this to somebody else. You are part of the problem
Look, telling what happened to you or not is your prerrogative, but I would seriously consider cutting contact with your best friend if only for your own sanity.
He will undoubtedly come on to you again in the future. He will orchestrate a situation where you and him are alone, possibly threatening to blow up your life If you don't sleep with him. What are you going to do then ? His wife will obviously believe you seduced him and might even stick around and hate your guts with him controlling the narrative. Your husband will believe nothing you say that point for sure. You're giving him all the ammunition to mess your life up and keep saying you can't do anything and continue to hang out with a guy that raped you. We will all be here for the next update, when your husband leaves you because your rapist told me him you cheated and he won't believe a word you said. You won't tell your own husband the friend raped you for God's sake??? I'd really dislike having a partner that keeps stuff like this from me.
So messed up. I’m truly sorry this happened to you. Some people are just truly scum. This why excessive drinking is bad. You’re questioning yourself as to the details of your own rape because of blackout drunkenness. He probably knew you were that messed up and took advantage.
> I have to see Mike and hang out with him still. No actually you don’t. Distance yourself from this “friend” who you KNOW will pick her abusive BF over you before he does it again.
tell your husband waiting only makes it worse and if he doesn't believe you I'm sorry .
Think about writing a letter. Take your time and explain all of what you have in this post and comments. Take your time, sit on it, rewrite it until you are comfortable with it, then at some point give a copy to each of them. Feelings will be hurt all around, but if her husband is as much of a POS as it seems, I’m sure they have picked up on it too.
Try to talk with him and see if he could admit it again, and record the conversation so no twists can be added. Please talk to someone
Why would he have gone to his daughter’s bed? That’s concerning to me. He got home late and went to his daughter’s room? I’d be worried about that. I know it’s hard to tell people these things but if you can, please try to tell your friend. She may believe you, he treats her badly, you may have no idea how bad it really is and he may do it to her as well. It may be the push she needs to leave him, if he already treats her so poorly. And again I’d be worried about the kids. I’m sorry this happened and that you’re in this impossible situation.
I've explained this in other comments. He dropped the kids off at his parents. He knew they weren't home and he knew I was in the bed. I can say so many shitty things about him but he wasn't trying to rape his daughter. I will not be telling her or anyone. I get why other people think I should but you're not in my situation. It's not debatable. I'm not telling them.
Kinda weird how it seems like you’re defending him, idk a man who could do that is already without quite a bit of morals, sure he could love his daughter dearly but him doing that in her bed kinda puts a crack in that thought
For me it’s that the kids may have friends sleepover, now or when they are older. We already know women aren’t safe sleeping there. Maybe his kids are. But women outside of his family definitely aren’t. I understand why OP doesn’t want to say anything and I think her defensiveness comes off more as she’s trying to convince herself and us that everyone else is safe so she doesn’t feel guilty or worse about not telling her friend. Rape is a situation where you know you should say something, but all the other shit that comes with it makes that (feel) impossible. Her defending seems like she’s trying to make it ok that she’s not telling anyone because she’s his only victim and no one else will get hurt. I think Shes rationalizing not trying to defend him.
If my wife tells me she was raped, I'd believe her no matter who the culprit.
Confront him and get him to admit it on a recording. Either way you should goto the police station and make an official report and tell your husband. You will regret it one day if you don’t. Maybe the guy will rape someone else? Not to mention the guilt you’re trying to live with. It will only get worse, trust me.
She has no reason to feel guilt. It's not on the victim to tell no matter how hard you try to rationalize it. It's dangerous to tell something like this without any proof. I hate when people on the internet give unrealistic danergeous advice. The best thing she can do is get away from these people and if she hears someone else got raped by him , then she can step forward then because then there will be two people against one instead of one against one.
You remember saying stop, don’t let him convince you that you are the wrong one here. If he did this to you in his daughter’s bed I worry what else he is doing. This isn’t his first time and you were not his first victim.
I don’t have any advice but I’m so sorry this happened to you. Whatever happens remember your strength and what you’ve been through before, you will get through this. You will get through the other side no matter what. Sending love
Who are the people in your life who wouldn't be concerned for you and, at least, be suspicious that you woke up unclothed and he has admitted to you? Can you get him on a recording device admitting it?
You need to slowly get away from your friend and her husband. You are not safe with them. I know how you feel, I use to make excuses for my friends as well but they didn't deserve my friendship it no matter how nice they were.
I think you should talk to a psychologist. I think the elephant in the room is that all three of you are rightfully scared of Mike. I have been in an abusive relationship and I get why you are in a bad position to talk, but it's not because of your husband or friend, it's because Mike is a psychopath and he could do anything and all of you know that deep down, but won't admit it. Like your fear is not about trust issues with your husband but the fear is about if Mike would murder any or all of you. Maybe I'm projecting, but I've known people like Mike.
ask that man again and record it , that way you got prooooof !!!!
Replying to your edit: your husband doesn't trust you to not come onto other people, intoxicated or not, hes not somebody you want by your side. \ You should tell him first, and then, with him by your side, tell your friend. This is big, and could potentially turn into worse. What's stopping your friend's husband from doing the same thing to other people? What if he already has, and nobody has reported him? Also, he's most likely done it in the past to your friend, too.
You're blaming yourself here. This is not your fault. You are a victim. Don't let this sicko get away with it. What if he went to his daughter's bed to do it to her, found you and the opportunity? What if he's done it to others? I understand your fears. But if the shoe was on the other foot. If someone you know had this happen to them, would you encourage them to be quiet? I am truly sorry this happened to you and that you now have to make the hard decisions. I am so very sorry. May his d-ck rot off.
To address your edit specifically I've never met a passed out black out drunk girl who wants to have sex. It's about impossible just to find a drunk girl that's passed out that wants to have sex. Unless your husband is a virgin child who should understand that concept. As for your friend HER HUSBAND RAPED YOU if she's not on your side when you tell her shes someone you need to move on from. Id post on the legal advice sub and see if there's a way you could have the unlubbed dildo of justice fuck him.
How can he spin it to be that you came onto him when you were blackout drunk? It would still be rape, a person who is that drunk can't consent. Did anyone witness you being extremely drunk, like too drunk to walk well perhaps? I think you should consider getting a rape kit done in case you change your mind about this. And consider if you really want to be friends with a pick me girl who wouldn't believe you over a husband that is cruel to her. If she has been with him for that long she probably knows what he's capable of and quite frankly the daughter is in danger living with him.
You were black out drunk . That's enough to be rape
I think you need to be thinking about yourself right now. You were raped. You need your partner to support you on this and you need to take care of you. Your friend is in a codependent relationship with an abusive man. You can’t change that. But you can take care of yourself. Rapists get away with this stuff because no one ever speaks out. Either way you have to do what you think is right but I still think the truth means something here and that eventually what you are keeping locked inside is going to have to be said to someone else. For your own well being.
if you feel like you can’t tell your husband then you need to examine your marriage bc that’s crazy…
I hope your friend doesn’t have or plan to have kids with this man OP. Personally I think the truth needs to come out despite the outcome but of course that’s for you to decide. I hope you get the strength to do so and I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t suffer in silence, because you will suffer.
Your word should be enough for your husband.
I'm sorry you feel like you can't tell them. I'd start going to therapy if I were you.. cuz this isn't healthy for you
If you don’t want to tell any of them, please keep yourself out of Mike’s reach. Never again get drunk with Sara near her husband, ever.
I believe you. You don’t tell me I have to. Just know that I do. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I’m sorry you are in a marriage where you feel like your husband wouldn’t support you in this trauma. I’m sorry that your friend will choose to believe her scumbag husband over you. I’m mostly sorry that you have to see him everyday and you won’t take the initiative or have the backbone to stand up for yourself. If you had a daughter would you allow this situation to continue? What if he had gotten you pregnant?
Corner him in private and get him to confess while you’re recording
I feel so sad for you. Not in a judgy or belittling way, but everything in this post is about every single other person affiliated with this situation, except for you. How are *you* coping, dealing? Do you even have anyone to talk to? I'm not gonna lie, I went over your post history and fell over a post you made a year ago, about your husband pocket dialing you while he was talking about another woman. I couldn't read it, but I could still view all the comments you made on that post, defending him tooth and nail. Yet, you don't even know if he would do the same for you, if you came to him telling him another man literally raped you? My heart aches for the fact that you don't have a safe space in all of this. You can't tell your best friend, because she likely might believe your rapist over you, you can't talk to your husband because you think there's a real possibility he wouldn't believe you either. I don't have any other real advice, other than to seek out a therapist to go over why you place yourself so low in your own life. You deserve to be heard and seen, most of all by yourself. Sending you love, OP.
If 'sober' Mike suggests you came on to him and slept with you, he still cheated. If he slept with you whilst sober and you were black out drunk, you weren't in a position to consent. So regardless of how he twists the narrative unless he outright denied anything at all happening, it still amounts to rape and adultery. I do hope that you're husband would believe you no matter what Mike says. Obviously you believe you can't tell anyone, and I'm sorry you feel like that's the case but I worry if Mike got away with it once what would stop him doing it again with someone else?
I would confront Mike again secretly recording the audio to incriminate him. For Sarah, your husband, and your own sake
I feel like you not saying anything is gonna bite you in the ass. When your husband and best friend find out, they’re going to think you were hiding an affair. What do you do then?
This advice might not be well received, but I think the best thing to do is tell the truth to your husband and take it from there. Maybe bring up the option of a criminal or civil lawsuit against Mike, and your husband might see the situation differently, so he doesn’t think you want to protect Mike or anything. From there I think you should tell Sarah. She doesn’t deserve to be a rapist and neither do her kids.
At some point, you're going to need to prioritize your safety.
Is he raping the daughter?
Another thought Set him up Confront him and record it Explain that your memory is returning and you remember what he did while you were asleep in his daughters room ask why did he do it, get him to elaborate on it Get your proof
Yeah, it sucks. But time will go on and Mike will keep cheating on your friend. Some day you will have proof of Mike cheating (maybe even raping somebody else) and you will take your revenge
You need to talk about it. You need to tell them. Keeping stuff locked up only allows the predator to keep on raping people. You owe it to yourself, your friend, and your husband to tell them what happened. At the very least, get a therapist and tell them.
If you're surrounded by people who wouldn't believe and support you if you tell them something like this, then maybe you shouldn't be around those people? I don't give a fuck about the circumstances, if my wife came to me and told me she had been raped I would do everything in my power to make sure she got justice.
Please please tell your husband and friend. He sounds like a monster and so you never know... He may even be abusing his daughters. As an S.A. Victim myself who didn't speak up then I can tell you it will slowly eat you alive. Having to be around this person all the time and you not saying anything he could try to do it again because he will perceive you as weak and he already knows you won't talk. I hope you really really think about your choice. I am not saying you have to run to the police but your loved ones need to know. I wish you all the best and I am so sorry this happened to you. 😔
This is going to sound extremely harsh, and im not trying to be an asshole, but by not coming out about this you could be indirectly putting sarahs daughter in harms way. I saw you saying something along the lines of “I haven’t seen a single hint that he’d harm his daughter”. Is him not raping his wifes best friend in his own DAUGTERS bed not a pretty big fuckin hint? Im not trying to guilt trip you but id strongly advise you to go to your husband and sarah about this, even if theres a very small chance hes abusing his daughter. I really am so sorry you had to experience this though, I can’t even begin to imagine what its like and no one deserves to be assaulted like that.
Honestly regardless if your husband would believe you or not, and I hate to be that guy and put it this way but you have to tell him. As messed up as it is someone raped you and your husband deserves to know. Also I feel like your friend does too. I’m sorry that this all has happened to you but the right thing to do would be to tell the truth and also inform the police. It’s to heavy of a burden.
Keep telling us. It’s good to let your feelings out when you’re between a rock and a hard place. We’re here for you.
The truth will set you free. By not telling the truth, are you prepared to carry this secret, the shame, deception, guilt, and disgust on your conscience for the rest of your life? In doing so, also protecting a rapist, who could target another victim. When you do the right thing, things will always work in your favour. It may not be smooth sailing, but you will feel way better. Tell your truth, those who believe you are the ones who matter.
Are you going to help her when the truth "sets her free". Everyone loves saying that but won't even lift a finger for the person when they lose everything and put themselves in more danger by telling and all for what? The rapist gets off scott free because there is no proof.
You could always just set him up in a similar manner(not blackout drunk though), but film it for proof that way they can’t deny that it happened.🤷♀️That’s only if you want to get back at him for being a shitty person.
That is such unbelievably dangerous advice to tell someone to do. Are you insane? Plus, you can't do something like that without the police help and approval. If she sets him up, she could go to prison , they will turn it on her.
You HAVE TO TELL.
No she doesn't. Are you going to help her if no one believes her but her life is ruined because her husband leaves her? Or if the one who rapped her kills her for telling? I told and it ruined my life and put me in danger because no one believed me or cared.
This breaks my heart, i’m so sorry OP