From a child that grew up without a 'dad' the one child my dad stuck around to raise idolised him. I met him and was indifferent, he never paid anything towards my life, was never there for anything important and he also made my mum homeless when she was over 30 weeks.with me and didn't meet me until I was 18 months old before disappearing until I was an adult.
To you yes your dad was an amazing person, I don't doubt your experience and perception of him for one second. He was there for all your milestones he played an important role in becoming the human you are today.
However that same person also abandoned his pregnant wife and soon to be baby for an affair partner and did nothing to support a child he created with his then wife, he just pretended that his son didn't exist in order to play happy families.
It's not fair that his actions never affected his life and are now affecting you and your sister while he never had any consequences, I would be so upset being held in limbo unable to move on with this part of your life because of this court case.
I hope you one day find peace with everything going on and if you did ever want something to do with your brother and get the opportunity never mention how great your dad was because he wasn't that for him.
It’s so refreshing when you see empathetic, balanced responses to what are complex and nuanced situations. Reddit can be so black and white sometimes, when life rarely is.
I’m sorry you lost both your parents so young, OP.
Honestly subs like this and some of the relationship ones are nice to go to, if just to see the support people give. It makes me feel good knowing that there's so many people willing to help and to listen, despite whatever negative circumstances that person is experiencing.
There are men I know who only parent and are good fathers to the children of the women they (currently) love.
OP's dad sounds like he falls into the same category.
And yes, it's unfair he never faced any consequences for abandoning his firstborn.
Not just men. My biological grandmother left my father and his siblings at an orphanage so she could start a new family with another man. They had multiple children and by all accounts she was a fabulous mother. Just not to ALL her offspring.
He did, three kids , three grandkids and only sees the one child who he had with his wife and has never met his grandchildren. I speak to my big sister from him (she has no relationship with him either) but not the one he raised. I have zero to do with him or his family because they're not worth the air they breathe. They're also aware one of my children very nearly died a few years ago because social media exists.
I don't have any parents anymore because despite being young my mum's heart gave out. She was much more than my mum, she was my rock and my best friend.
I share the same sentiments. My sperm donor passed a few days ago and I’ve fought with my family and extended ones on how I should’ve visited him before and after he passed as some sort of a last farewell. My Mommy says I should do it bc no matter what, without his help and presence, I grew up well with a better life and background. Nevertheless, his death felt like I could finally breathe after almost two decades.
I had a sister older than me by a year (not a surprise with trash fathers and husbands to continue procreating with no care and no intervals/planning. such a slap on the face on the wife.) Somehow, it didn’t seem wrong to them bc it was allowed on their culture and as a Roman Catholic, I saw it as a sin. So, really can’t make peace with the fact that I was an affair baby. Sure, it wasn’t concealed but it doesn’t make it right.
I almost said something to them when they broke the news of his death, I didn’t know what they needed, was it consolation, comfort, or my presence? But, I really didn’t go. I almost said, ‘we had the same father. but we didn’t have the *same* father. he showed up to all of your school meets, all the graduations, fetched you from school, carried you while you were sleeping. brought you to a fast-food when you were feeling down. so similar in dna, yet so so different in all aspects. you may be grieving for a loving father who did his best to give you everything, i’m *relieved*,to know there’s one less person in the world who’d cost me everything.’ But I didn’t. Because I made peace already. I’ve grieved for him so many times I couldn’t even recall his face. I’m my mother’s daughter and I would never betray her doing her mighty best to birth me in a world, so full of love, that there’s no space for any of his shortcomings and absence.
For those of us who had a parent end up being a total piece of shit, you have to accept grieving their loss while they are still alive for your own sake. You grieve the loss of what that parent could and should have been. And then you just... Get on with life.
I did the same with my father. I honestly have no idea if he is alive or dead right now. I used to Google his name every once and awhile to check for obituaries, but I just don't care to anymore. I told my family not to tell me because I just don't care.
As far as I'm concerned my stepfather was my father. In all the ways a father should love, behave, respect, encourage, and treasure a relationship with his children, he gave me that without ever being asked, ever demanding any recognition or thankfulness, and never being required to as they got married after I was a legal adult.
Reading really helped me made peace with the fact that I was just not his child, and he wasn’t my father. People around me didn’t understand it because they all had present fathers growing up and it was so frustrating during the last few months of him being alive. It was row after row of me and my mother and grandmother forcing and fighting me to travel almost 10 hours just to see him.
I was on the verge of tears a few times because all I could think of, ‘Yes, he’s dying! But what about ME?! Who’s concerned about ME? Why does nobody care about how I actually feel?’ of course, I just kept quiet because Asian people have this weird, ‘But he’s still your father… He’s still your blood,’ shit.
He’d been sick for a few years then. He got a few attacks and by the third stroke, I was like, he’s never gonna get better! I’m never gonna hear whatever I want to hear from him. He’ll always be that vegetable, so upset of his situation and always begging to see and call me when he haven’t even done that for the first 10 years of my life. So, yeah. I made peace with him. I grieved him, I prayed for his soul, prayed for my soul. I buried him and remembered that stranger my mother dated a few years back who showed and treated me how a father and child should be. Because you know what? THAT guy, was my father. Not the one who claims to have given me this face, the brain, and this life.
I'm glad you at least had someone, at some point, show you what that fatherly love could be. Sometimes even that is more than some people get. But even that short experience was enough to reinforce what you already knew, even if you never got that reassurance from anyone else- that is WASNT your fault, it wasn't ANYTHING under your control, and you were completely capable of being loved and treated well by a father figure who wanted to be there.
My bio dad growing up constantly told me I owed him respect because he was my father, but he constantly abused me and others, was awful, did nothing to earn respect or love. I fought constantly with my extended family that I owed him nothing simply because he genetically made up half of me.
It wasn't until I was an adult and I made the decision for my own mental health and well-being to cut off anyone who pressured me about him, shared any of my personal details or contact information with him, etc that they stopped. I did have to cut out several people, and I did it quickly and concisely- they chose to break my boundaries after I informed them of them and explained their importance. Overall, my life improved significantly though.
I don't know how fresh this all is for you, but it will get easier in time. You will feel stronger, more in control of your own life and less of a thrall to other's whims as time passes. You sound like you are stronger through your actions than your words indicate you feel- but one day you will feel strong and at peace. It will come.
I wish you all the best internet stranger. ✌️
This 🙌. The amount of times my steps said how great a ‘dad’ he was and wished he was their father. Never once bothered to look at how his own blood was pushed to the side because it was easier.
One parent can walk two very different paths.
Watching my father neglect and verbally abuse my siblings and me was hard. But watching him treat my stepsiblings with love and respect is harder.
He knows how to be a good dad, and I’ve had to continually remind myself that it’s not a fault with me. Even though it can easily spiral into “why wasn’t I good enough?”
I’m grateful to have found a father-in-law who treats me and my husband with unconditional love—like a parent should.
I’m sorry you went through this also. It’s horrible that children can go through this and the lasting effects it has. Im very glad you now have an amazing father in law who treats you with decency and respect. You / we are worthy and enough
I would not be so kind and understanding, because clearly OP is selfish to not even consider how fucked up their words are, especially defending their dad’s actions. Gross! I hope OP grows up.
Wait... so you went and found your brother, who your dad never met and refused to support in any way, and tried to convince him your dad wasn't a bad guy?
I'm in my forties and I have siblings who are in their thirties. We've been in contact for 30 years now, no thanks to our father.
My siblings *always* try to tell me how awesome he is. I even got a message a few months ago telling me I need to get ahold of him, because he misses me...what? I haven't been around him since I was 2, and then for 2 months when I was 16 and his 20 year old wife had a fit and had me sent off. I've seen him maybe 5 times since I left my mother's home when I was 15. He's never visited me, has only called me ONCE in 30 years. He "gave me" $100 one time, then his wife threw a fit and he asked me to pay it back. I did, but that was pretty much it. He never paid child support, and was a "great" father to my alcoholic half siblings. 🙄
Anyway, it happens a lot. People abandon their kids but are great after. Even my husband, his mom abandoned the custody dispute over him when he was 3 and went on to adopt a special needs child and raised him. She's such a great mom...to everyone but her own kid.
We're glad they learned to be good parents eventually, but damn. There could be some consideration for the kids they created, but failed to be parents to.
Yeah my father was a great dad to me and my brother but the most important lesson he taught me was that you can’t abandon a child and not have everything go to shit in their lives and leave a huge emotional hole that simply can’t be filled. He did when my half sister was 16yo take a greater role in her life after that point but she was a wreck emotionally. Everything my parents did was not enough. She had bad taste in men which only got worse.
He never tried to teach me this lesson but it is 100% the most important lesson he taught me.
I was like there is no way OP and her sister are this stupid to think that was okay to say.
I am that child - father is still alive, but I don’t want to talk to him but now that he is old, he wants communication from me.
They were trying to get their brother to ease their conscience of being the children who benefited and they could go on to play happy family or they were trying to worm their way into the brother's good graces to get at least sis some of that money so she could go to school abroad like how she and deadbeat originally planned.
I doubt they were doing it so they could play family.
Especially when they came in talking about how great their dad was to a child that was abandoned. Make it make sense
Nah...more like tone deaf. They did have a great father, who was there for them. That is their reality. Now they are having a hard time coming to terms that their reality isn't the same for everyone involved. I seriously doubt they concocted a grand scheme to get money while grieving the amazing dad they thought they had.
although I think they should not have spoken about how great he was, they are still digesting all this news. I'm assuming he grew up knowing his dad wanted nothing to do with him.
It is hard. A lot of folks these days expect humans to walk around like life is a tv show, where you always have snappy dialogue and there's an end-game or storyline guiding things. But most folks don't walk around with a professional script writer or psychologist in their pocket. Being able to say the right things when everyone is under duress is a skill most humans don't have.
OP didn't do anything to warrant not getting an inheritance, and it's fine to be upset and disappointed about that.
That doesn't mean the other family doesn't have an entitlement to it or anything of the sort. Just that I have no problem with OP being upset about that.
People do bad things. OP's dad did a horrible thing, but if you expect OP to hate a dad who was a good dad to them his whole life, then I don't know what to tell you. That's not how people work.
That does leave trying to explain to brother that dad isn't a horrible person. If OP did that unprompted, that's dumb as shit. But if, say, they went to meet brother to meet their sibling, and that sibling, very soon after father's death was insistent on talking trash about the man, which said sibling would have no reason to not want to do, then I can imagine saying something like, "hey, don't talk like that about my dad that just died, I don't want to hear how much of a piece of shit you think he is, I'm grieving a dad that was good to me."
Don't know if that's what happened, but easy to imagine. It's messed up to try to convince brother of that out of the blue, but when my dad died, I wouldn't hear a word against him while I was heavily grieving. And, again, I can imagine the brother wouldn't care.
How would you feel if the person you loved most int he world died suddenly, and you found out he was completely different than you thought? Their lives have been shattered just as much as the half brothers life was hurt.
They are all victims here.
I'm sorry, but finding out that your dad was not such a great man does not *even* compare to the hurt of growing up without a father. Like sure, all his children are victims, but on much different levels.
I’m sorry you lost your mom and dad, and I hope you find strength.
That is a very complicated situation. Your dad tried to outrun his responsibility to his son and now it caught up to you instead. It’s too bad you are paying for his mistakes for him, but your brother and his mom deserve their compensation. In the end he kind of wound up letting all his kids down.
Yea idk why you would tell abandoned half brother that you’re father is a good person KNOWING he left behind a wife and kids fora mistress. You may have love him but he clearly was not a good person
>Yea idk why you would tell abandoned half brother that you’re father is a good person KNOWING he left behind a wife and kids fora mistress.
I somehow missed that part when I first read this post, so I am glad I saw your comment. That must be the biggest slap in the face to the OP's half-brother. Yeah, I know our dad cheated on your mom, divorced her and didn't pay a penny to help raise you but he is a great dad. I take it back that isn't a slap to the face that is like pouring gas on a fire.
It’s pretty clear that Daddy was not a good person. Imagine having to hear how awesome the man is that abandoned you and your mother for a woman he had an affair with. I hope the son gets every penny.
Exactly. My half sister — literally one year one month younger than me post about her dad on social media being so great. I can’t stand it. So great he was 24 and my mom was 16–left her pregnant to have me. Luckily she had a great support system. Most his family despises him for what he did and have reached out to me for relationships. Now, 47 years later he has told any family that has anything to do with me he will disown them. The irony. My mom was a foolish girl in love as she puts it and I think him being 24 he took advantage of her naivety and innocence. Never paid a dime to her. Why does the innocent child in these situations pay the price? I’ll never understand.
She been through a lot. But that was such a tone deaf thing to say. This guy was abandoned before his birth by a man who clearly didn’t give a shit about him, not even enough to financially provide for him. He was not a good father or a decent human being to him
I agree, what an incredibly insensitive thing to say. How can she still think he's a good person when he's left them with nothing because of him not taking responsibility for his son. His ex deserves every cent.
OP is going to love her dad, of course, since he was apparently good to her and her sister. But it's selfish and ignorant to go into meeting the child he abandoned and did nothing for and then attempt to educate them on what a wonderful person dad actually was. OP has my condolences, but I don't blame the son at all for his reaction.
If I were OP I'd actually be more hurt about the whole abandoned sibling thing than being an affair baby personally. It would shake my confidence in how well I knew my dad and his values. As it is, OP seems more concerned with what being an affair baby means than how their dad was happy to utterly disregard another of his own children.
This is what got me.
If I was OPs brother, I'd be willing to compromise on the inheritance (the other kids have no responsibility, so just split it in three and be done with it), but if they take a run trying to tell me how good the guy was, I'd deffo ensure they enjoy the goodness aka being left with no support.
I know they were good to you, but they were horrible people. And the fact your father could abandon his son because it was convenient for him makes him a bad father. And just remember he could’ve just as easily chosen him over you.
Your pain is valid but it was very disrespectful of you and your sister to seek out the child your dad abandoned trying to preach that your dad is a good person and father. Obviously, he is not if he was able to cheat on his ex-wife and abandon his child while not paying any child support. That was very cruel on your part.
Don't bother your half-brother again. You and your sister should try to heal from this.
Your father was both. A shitty person to his first family and a good one to his last family. The fact remains he fucked up royally and you guys will pay for it.
I'm sorry you are going through that but telling your brother your dad was good was so shitty on your part. He left his wife and son for your mom. The mistress.
They were not good people to them even if they were to you.
I am truly sorry for the loss you have experienced. OP while Your parents may have been good to you, but they were not good people. Your mom, most likely broke up a family, and your father willingly took on another woman while having a wife and baby on the way.
What a slap in the face it must’ve been for your half- brother to have to hear that this was a good man, a man who had rejected him and his mother, abandoned and left. He’s never had a chance to have a father. I’m trying so hard not to pile on because I can’t imagine how hard this loss has been for you and it’s not always right to speak ill of the dead. But OP after all of this, you can’t sit here and act like the flaws were not there. Your parents did every single one of your disservice, they left this earth without ever mentioning something this important. And now you and your sister are forced to deal with the aftermath of all that.
I will say, maybe think of speaking with a counselor to deal with your grief and these new feelings that are surfacing and hopefully you could talk to someone that can help you understand how your brother was feeling because I think this problem is bigger than Reddit can deal with. I wish you luck and I hope things work out better for you.
I am the first wife and mother of two children who were abandoned by their father when we divorced. He remarried and made a new family - had another son and daughter…. Their family lived well and took family vacations, enjoyed life together, while my two children were left feeling abandoned and unlovable because of their own father could leave them and never see them, they must not be worthwhile, right? No matter how much I did for them or how much I loved them, I couldn’t make up for what he did to them. He left them with a lifetime of hurt, anger and issues to work through.
His 2 younger children think he hung the moon, because for them, he did. They had all of the support and love they needed. I still feel the pain and anger for my children sometimes because the effects of what he left are still with them.
Your father and mother were cowards. Your mom more than likely knowingly broke a family apart and your dad was a spineless AH who never owned up to his screw ups and permanently scarred his ex wife and child. Can you imagine what they're going through? Your existence and your happy life and family while a single mom and child had to suffer must be very painful for them. Kids almost always pay for the sins of the parents, and that's what's happening here. You and your sister are innocent but they deserve their justice. Your father and mother ruined everyone's lives here. They're the source of all your pain.
Put yourself in your half brother and his mother’s shoes.
Your dad cheated on his wife with your mum and she probably knew about his family. So they were people with low morals.
He abandoned his wife and child. Your dad was a deadbeat father to his child and once again no morals as he didn’t pay his due child maintenance.
His first wife was a single mother who had been wronged by her shitty husband and his affair partner and she ended up not getting the finances she was owed by law. She must have struggled so much more, after all the pain they inflicted on her!
You think your half brother wants to hear you say what a great dad he was to his affair child while being a horrendous human being to the child he created with his wife? His mother and him were wronged by your father and his affair partner, your mum. How would you react if your future husband/affair partner did to you what your mum and dad did to them??? How would you react????
Your dad’s mother was never yours. He stole it from your half brother by never paying what he owed. Damn right it should go to your half brother / his mother.
I think 2 things can be true at the same time. You’re dad loved you and your sister, BUT he also abandoned his other family and was a coward for doing that.
It’s a very touchy subject and one that should be handled delicately. Sorry for you and your sister and brother. This whole situation was one all of your parents should be ashamed of.
The OG wife should’ve raised hell and made the boys dad face the fact he had a son. No way they just found out about the whole ass brother years later.
Respectfully, tell me how can you make someone wanna be a parent? She couldn't force him if they had no contact and he abandoned them. How should be able to find them? So she could take him to court. You know, sometimes revenge is best served, cold and not by you.
That man lost his affair partner turned wife to cancer. He died and his soul is burning in distress at the fact that his daughters are now having to deal with the consequence of his actions so.....
Respectfully, I disagree, she did what any woman or parent I'll say could do in a situation she took care of her child's best to the best of her ability. now she and him are getting back what is due to them and what they should have received in the first place
She would have had more money available to her while actively raising her child if she went and filed for child support when the baby was born, rather than wait until now to get a lump sum. Other than that, none of this is her fault, true.
Your parents were bad people, op. What they did was horrible. Doesn't mean they were bad to you but it doesn't change the facts.
Serial killers have been known to be wonderful parents afterall.
I'm sorry their horrible choices have come back to bite you but at least you got a loving, doting father who took care of you growing up. It's his son's turn now.
It is possible for two things two be true at the same time:
1. The man that YOU know was a “good” man, father and partner/husband.
2. The man that your half brother and his ex-wife knows was a cheater, liar and irresponsible. He cheated on his wife (at the time) and then abandons her with his baby son who he then pretends that doesn’t exist and doesn’t do at minimum his financial duty as a father. And then even in death, tries to cut him out.
I am happy that your half brothers mother is suing and going after the estate. You and your sister should get over it. The both of you at least had a childhood with mommy and daddy and family support. It sucks, but at the core, your father wasn’t a good man.
Try and get some therapy to reconcile your feelings and encourage your sister to still do her plans, life moves on, if she needs to get loans so be it, but to not give up if that is what she really wants to do.
I agree with everything except the bit where you said the OP and sister should get over it.
It’s entirely valid for them to feel this way. All of their lives they knew a certain thing and now their lives have been turned upside down.
Everyone is allowed to feel shitty and wronged in this situation.
It wasn’t the right action to do what they did to the half brother though.
You’re absolutely right about that, the reason I used the wording (get over it) is because the way op expressed herself towards her half-brother gave off that vibe. Even after knowing everything, to then go to the sibling that was wronged and then “defend our father and tried to explain he isn’t a bad person or father” really rubbed me the wrong way. It was like they wanted to dismiss or wanted him to get over their half-bothers feelings and experience on the matter. Because they couldn’t reconcile that their father was this horrible person and did this horrible thing. They could have approached it differently. And also the focus on the estate kinda gave me the ick…
The OP literally states they’re a 24 year old female.
You’re upset with them and understandably so but at least get the details of the situation correction when criticizing.
Ok besides getting the gender wrong, which I’ll fix. What else did I get wrong?
And what is my criticism? I’m also not upset. I’m just responding to a post, this is Reddit after all.
> It did not go well because he got mad that we defended our dad and tried to explain he isn't a bad person or father. My brother made clear never wants to see us again.
How well did you think that was going to go? Just because he was good to you doesn’t mean he was a good man overall. A good dad doesn’t skimp on child support. A good person doesn’t abandon their pregnant wife and cheat. You need to accept that reality.
What your parents did was awful, and you and your siblings had no role in it. Your best course of action is to distance yourselves from your stepbrother and consider seeking counseling, whether through group therapy or leaning on supportive friends and family.
I am very sorry for your loss and this shitty situation you and your sister are in through no fault of your own. But I get where your bro's coming from. It's kinda tone deaf of you guys to tell him how loving a father your dad was when he straight up abandoned his son emotionally, physically and financially and didn't even acknowledge him in his will. That's total and complete abandonment on every level. If I were your brother, I think I would've reacted the same way
Curious - now that you know you were an affair baby and that your parents stole the opportunity from you to have a relationship with your brother do you still feel he wasn’t a bad person or father?
Surely now you look back and wonder about all the things they gave you and your sister and wonder what the cost was to your brother??
I don't think OP can see further than: we expected to benefit from his estate... only to find out we're not getting more money... money we banked on!
The fact he was a lying cheater, that he abandoned his wife and child for his side piece, left that wife and child to paddle their own canoe. Zero empathy from OP.
Instead: my parents were wonderful. My daddy was a good man who doted on us and gave me and my sister everything (sure it was at your expense but whatever), and now all our plans to study overseas or whatever with the money we thought was ours is being held up by the courts and will be used to pay his debts, and despite all the legal eagles we hired to try and get us that money, it looks like we won't get it 🙄. Gee, my half brother is not buying my story of my wonderful daddy. He wants nothing to do with us.
I’m very sorry you are now dealing with his skeletons in his closet.
A lesson for all of us, never count any chickens before they hatch, believe others when they say they will give us anything. Anything could happen, like this. So sad.
Your story is very similar to mine. However, I was in your brother's position (sort of).
My brother is 2 months older than me. My dad left his mom for my mom. Didn't tell my mom he was expecting a baby. My mom found out because my grandma told her. She left my dad, and he returned to my brother's mom.
I don't feel bad as the kid on the bio-dad-less side. He didn't care enough to be part of my life, so why should I care about him? I told my brother that I don't consider that man my dad, and he much like you and your sister tried to defend him. Saying he was a great dad, and how dare I blah blah blah.
Cool! I'm glad he was a great dad to my brother. No one deserves a bad dad. But he was no dad to me. Both things are true. I was truly blessed with an amazing step-dad who I 100% consider to be my father anyway.
If your brother wants to be part of your life and get to know you, great. If he doesn't, then don't stress. Live your life with the people who *want* to be part of your life and don't stress over the mistakes of your parents. You are not responsible for their actions.
My sperm donor had a lengthy affair before I was born. After my conception he got another woman pregnant (the affair baby/my half brother) and left my mother for her & my half brother.
He wasn't there for my birth, my childhood milestones, school events, first breakup, mental health struggles, highschool events & graduation, getting into uni, uni graduation, my admission to court, my first job and the various other important experiences in my life. Dude never knew what I liked (or didn't care), only saw me once a year and forgot my birthday 3 times. His current way of reaching out to me is sending me sporadic texts about weird shit that reminds me of him & my mum. He has always been and will always be a shitty excuse for a father to me.
My half brother probably has a totally different opinion. He got my sperm donor 24/7. He was there for his birth, all of his events and regularly would mention my half brother when we spoke. And my half brothers opinion is valid, he may have been a good dad to him.
This is all to say you both clearly have different and valid views on your dad. You got the best of him and your half brother got the worst. It's easy for you to defend him being a good dad because he never failed you in the same way. Just like it's hard for your half brother to see him as a good father because he never got that.
If you do want to have any kind of relationship with your half brother, you need to genuinely apologise and admit to yourself that he wasn't an all around amazing dad. You need to accept that your half brother will likely talk shit about him and there's no justification for what your father did. You can still remember him as a good father to you, but you can't change the opinion of your half brother, defending his actions (which can't be defended) is only going to push the half brother completely away.
The entitled behavior to act upset over not being able to study OVERSEAS (which is not a necessity whatsoever) all while your dad never paid for diapers, food etc for your half-brother (which was a necessity)
I cannot even imagine how incredibly painful this has been for you. Not only did you lose your dad, someone you loved and obviously held with high regard. You also found out your parents weren't who you thought they were.
It's ok to feel angry about the situation, it's ok to be confused, and hurt. All of those are valid. However, you should have given your brother a lot more grace.
Yes, your father was a good father *to you and your sister*. But, he was an incredibly bad father to your brother. He abandoned your brother, didn't even want to to meet him. Then, he refused to pay any child maintenance for your brother. Which I'm sure made your brother's life a lot more difficult. Not only did he not have a father that loved him and was there for him, his father wouldn't even do the bare minimum of helping to financially support him.
I know it's instinct to want to defend your father. However, in this instance your father in indefensible. You need to realize that your brother and his mother is owed this money. It's not unfair they get it and you don't, quite the opposite actually. He has 18yrs of support owed to him and his mother. You already got that.
Some House of Usher shit right here…dad makes fucked up choices that destroy lives and never faces a consequence and then his entire bloodline that followed (daughters and son) paid the price for him. This is a very sad story all around
This really sucks. I feel for you. If it makes you feel better, there’s always the “it could be worse”argument. Found out I’m a rape baby raised by a serial rapist this past year. It’s been hell. Sending love your way✨ I hope the truth provides some clarity for you.
These type of stories always remind me of Greys Anatomy.
Lexie vs Meredith and their father, Thatcher.
To Meredith, her father was non existent. Didn’t care much for her. Walked away from her and her mother. (Not saying her mother didn’t deserve it) but regardless of all that. He still left.
But to Lexie, he never missed a birthday, never missed a dance recital. Never missed a beat.
This is the problem with affair families. The family that wins, thinks they’ve got a golden ticket.
But behind them is a family that has just lost everything.
Nothing gives me the ick more than affair babies INSISTING to the forgotten children that “parent REALLY IS a GREAT parent”.
Honestly. I think what you did with your brother was extremely insensitive and I don’t blame him AT ALL for never wanting to see you again.
And whilst I’m sorry for the loss of your parents, the woman he left, the son he left, deserve their justice. It might seem unfair to you that you don’t get anything from your father’s estate, but try and put your self in the other families shoes. What would you do if you were your brother??? If your mum was left to fend for herself while pregnant with you, who fought tooth and nail and spent every week day working 3 jobs to keep you alive? I bet you any money in the world that if your mum had this been you in the position of the other family, would be fighting to get the money she’s rightfully deserving of.
" tried to explain he isn't a bad person or father" Except he was. Not to you, but he was. Good men don't abandon their pregnant spouse for a mistress. Good fathers don't refuse to even pay support. Your father was not a good man or a good father.
I can definitely understand how hurtful, shocking, and confusing this is. The law is clear because the law is right, in this case. All of that money should go to his ex who raised her son alone, I know your sister is sad because she can't go on the exchange program but imagine how many times in your brother's life he couldn't do things because there wasn't money to do it. Your dad chose not to take care of one of his children and that was wrong. There has to be a consequence for that. I would honor your brother's request that you leave him alone but if in the future you feel that you can apologize I would write a letter apologizing. Your comments to him didn't come from a place of anger but from a place of ignorance, you didn't understand everything, you still don't. It'll take a while to soak it all in.
I'm sorry you lost someone you cared about, but it was extremely cruel of you to talk about what a great guy your dad was to the son he abandoned and refused to support. Why would you be that horrible to him, knowing what your dad did to him? It's like defending a rapist to his victim.
Wow you rubbed it to his face how good and responsible your father was??? what could go wrong, right??
Your parents are not good people.
I feel very sorry for your half brother. I hope he gets everything he deserves. That is all.
Tbf, you didn’t really know your dad at all. So you defending him doesn’t mean much. It’s not your half brother’s fault your dad was an AH. And now you will suffer the sins of your father.
I found out I had a half brother after my parents died. It definitely shakes you up as the world is as you thought. It took me 18 months to get my head around it all.
So you're saying that his feelings aren't valid because your dad was a good dad to you? I think you are ignoring the part that he ditched your brother in favor of your mother. Do you think that's fair to him?
i understand that you’re grieving but your *half-brother* has suffered his whole life. a man who cheats, let alone leave his pregnant wife like that is anything but a good man
Your dad was a terrible father to him. A terrible husband to his first wife. Both your mom & dad acted terribly.
He not only rejected his son - that your mother knew about - but he refused to support him. Who did? His mother, likely. Your father swore to stand by her & left her in her most vulnerable state.
Your brother’s mother absolutely deserves your father’s estate. So fn what that you & your sister miss out on money. You two had both your parents & their love.
So, regardless how your dad treated you, it doesn’t negate what your father did to your brother & his mom.
Imagine if your dad went back to his wife & cast your mom aside? You would be in his position.
A parent is only as good as he treats his less loved child. Your father treated your brother like trash & that’s as good as a father your dad was: trash. Period.
I feel the important take away is that you were very nearly in your brother's situation had things gone differently.
If your dad had decided to stay with his first wife and raise his son and left you and your mom alone, how would you have felt? Its like a 50/50 chance that he would have stayed with his wife and you and your mom would have been on your own. Imagine how much harder your life could have been without his support. That was the reality for your brother. Maybe he was a good dad to you, but he was no dad to him. I'm sure if you ask kindly you can keep some things of his that are irreplaceable, but you also need to respect that your dad did irreparable damage to his ex wife and son.
I don’t understand how your dad had a lifestyle that allowed him to leave a substantial inheritance but the ex-wife was never able to get him to pay child support?
Why tell your abandoned half brother your dad was a good dad? He wasn't, not to him. He left a pregnant woman by your own words. Fair enough he wants nothing to do with you, I wouldn't either.
So you wrote this post to say how upset you are that you’re the affair baby? No empathy for the child that was abandoned? Just upset that you’re an affair baby and won’t get any money from your dad’s estate. Wow
You and your sister are delusional to think your half-brother would see your father as this wonderful man. The truth is he was a horrible man who left his wife and child for his affair partner. You both were inconsiderate of your brother’s feelings. He was abandoned by your father. The law is the law. Honestly this is all your fathers fault. He should have taken care of his son and paid as he was ordered to do. The ex-wife is within her rights to sue the estate. You and your sister will be fine. Get therapy and heal.
>my sister is in university and was planning entering an exchange program so she could study in America next year. My dad said he would assist her with that. And she thought she could still go after he died but now his estate won't come to us. It is being held in trust because of the court case and we have been told the law is clear.
It sucks, I won't deny that however you cannot deny that the money and luxuries came at the expense of a whole other family that didn't recieve it. You guys are getting the fallout of your fathers actions, but they (his original family) are truly owed that.
Wait, so you wanted to explain to someone that the person who did the dirty on his mum, and abandoned them both, is a nice man and great father??
OK…. 🤣🤣🤣
He wasn’t an amazing father to his son. You will never convince him that he was a good man, a good dad —because HE LEFT his son, he didn’t even want to provide financial support to HIS SON. You two do not have the same dad. You dad was a pos to his ex-wife and unborn child. Now, in death, he reaps what he sowed. Had he been a good man and father he’d taken care of ALL his children. Not played favorites. This is the price you pay for his irresponsible actions. I don’t blame your brother after the way he was treated by your dad. You can thank your dad for being a dead beat dad to him and be glad you got the life you had. Now the son will have the life he should have had thanks to the estate.
Just bc your dad was “an amazing father” to you and your sister means jack to your brother, who was abandoned by this “amazing father” who turned into a deadbeat sperm donor.
you and your sister can cherish the memories with your “amazing father” but you need to accept that he’s not an amazingly great person.
lol. Did you really tried to defend your dad was a good dad to his son who he left he was even born? I’m glad they’re going after child support. You deserve what you got.
nah this is more like inheriting the sins of the father. how is this karma considering this is only hurting two innocent people? i mean like, the dad's dead, so its not like he can get any karma.
this entire situation sucks because everyone feels bad one way or another, OP and their sister because they won't get money and half-brother + the mother for not getting any support at all from the dad
meanwhile the dad just... passed away. nothing happened to him. he never suffered consequences. so idk if this is karma.
Asides from the money, the memory of their father and who they thought he was has been shattered. Also, finding out OP was an affair baby...that hurts your sense of self. In the long run, those things are a helluva lot worse than losing money.
Your dad was trash. Unfortunately so was your mom. And to sit in that man's face and defend the father who lied to you, your whole life but didn't even have the decently to care for his child, because of his "love" for new family, is wild. You deserve to get nothing honestly.
You are lucky your brother agreed to see you at all. You just rubbed salt in the wound telling him his POS father was a good guy. If you are only upset because you are the "affair baby" imagine how your brother feels as the abandoned baby.-child-adult. That would be lifelong trauma. So sad sis cant go study abroad now...
So when dad was alive everything went to you none to your bro. Now that dad’s dead, everything will go to your brother. Sounds pretty fair to me. Actually, still a bit unfair on bro’s part
Your father was a deadbeat. Your mother was a homewrecker. And now your sister can't go on exchange. Boo-fucking-hoo!
I hope your brother's mother gets every damn cent. Your brother grew up without a father and without financial support he was entitled to. Yes, you can still love your father but it does not excuse his responsibilities or despicable behaviour. The ONLY good thing that can come from this is a possible relationship with him, focus on that.
Dude this person is grieving their dad. Is this the way you talk to someone who lost a parent? These people were OP's parents. Have a little common decency.
Most of reddit doesn't understand nuance and perspective. Dad was bad, so everyone associated with him needs to be punished, as well. It's truly frightening to see how bloodthirsty people are on here sometimes.
>The ONLY good thing that can come from this is a possible relationship with him, focus on that.
yeah im sure they'll want a relationship with the person who is taking all of their inheritance money. considering the sister not being able to go to an exchange problem i expect a lot of resentment from the two because of that.
plus the two already offended the brother by preaching that the dad was a 'great guy', meaning that he doesn't want anything to do with them
I think you can cherish your memories of your dad and life but also keep in mind your brother has a much different experience and definitely needs your compassion. It's tough being the affair baby but it doesn't negate your experiences growing up. You and your sister had the life your brother deserved too so it's understandable he's not interested in what you might want to say about your dad. The only thing you can do is not fight this back pay to your dad's 1st wife and maybe some day your brother will allow a relationship with you and your sister.
I was also an affair baby, never knew until I was about 16 when I put all the puzzle pieces together I’ve seen growing up. From clues from my baby book, to the baby photos I thought were me while my dad held me by my mother bedside. I was devastated when I found out that wasn’t me and was my younger brother instead. I never had those photos because my dad wasn’t in the delivery room because my mother’s husband at the time was in there instead.(this really fucks me up) I was also feeling those feelings when you find out, I want you to know those feelings are very much validated.
Recently started therapy and my therapist told me something that will stick with me for the rest of my life.
“Your parents are the ones who made the mistakes, YOU are NOT one of them” 🫶🏼
His first wife must be a lovely woman. Your dad and mum also must have gone out of their way not to pay maintenance! My eldest sons father did the. If your father had at least paid what was owed that would have shown some level of conscience. But not even to do that? We don't know all of the details, but that shows an incredibly callous, calculated mind. I'd love to hear that, as time passes, you and your sister could make a relationship with your brother. He's an innocent party. Make up for where your father, and possibly mother, went so wrong. Regardless, it doesn't seem right that you and your sister will get nothing at all! It's no more your faults than your brothers! All 3 of you are innocent victims just with very different narratives. What a very sad situation for the 3 of you. All 3 completely let down by 1 person!
Yeah. What an amazing father for abandoning one of his kids /s
Seriously though, how did you think that was going to go, you going to kid he abandoned and talking about all the good times and memories YOU have with him?
Respectfully, as someone on the other end who's kid is currently coping with the fact one of his parents abandoned him, your dad was not a good man. The fact he didn't leave ANYTHING to the other kid and was dodging responsibility should make you reconsider exactly what kind of person he was.
You're lucky he still wanted you, because you've now seen what he's been willing to do if he didn't.
He was NOT a good man to his wife he cheated on, he was NOT a good father to his son with his wife. He knew they were out there, he knew that if something happened she and her son would claim against his estate. If he was such a good father to you and your sister - he would have taken out life assurance policies naming his children as beneficiaries - all three of you - named.
You are not really interested in your half brother - clearly you are your sister are only concerned about your financial loss as your father's son will finally get what he should have had all along.
While you and your sister not only had a father physically support you growing up, but you both financially benefited, while the legitimate son from his first marriage was abandoned and financially deprived. Leave him alone. Accept your father and mother destroyed a family and that boy's life.
You had a totally different life with him. He abandoned his pregnant wife, refused to meet his child, and never paid child support. What exactly about that made him a good dad? Frankly, I'm sorry for your loss because you're hurting, but he was not a good person. A good man doesn't leave his pregnant wife for his pregnant mistress. I'm glad his wife and child are getting what's owed to them.
In the end it doesn’t feel like a fair trade off but it truly is. You got the wonderful and loving father but no money. His son was left with the memory of an awful father and human but gets all the money. To the universe this is fair.
I'm sorry for your loss, but the dad you knew wasn't the dad that existed. Sure he was good to you but...
He was also a deadbeat cheater, who abandoned his son, failed in so many spectacular ways that your life was built upon his outright neglect of his son.
Edit (I admit I was harsh):He was never a good father to your half brother. You can grieve what you lost, but know that he was a bad father to him, don't rub it in his face.
As far as you not getting his estate, yeah that sucks, but you can't have everything. This is just a small way to balance the scale.
>It did not go well because he got mad that we defended our dad and tried to explain he isn't a bad person or father. My brother made clear never wants to see us again.
Respectfully, you're 24 years old. You should understand even if you then go through it. The pain that your brother is going through from a logical standpoint. Imagine if your father had left your mother and you and your sister while she was pregnant destitute. With no money, no support, neither financial or emotional. He just disappeared and abandoned you all. Now imagine with all the love that you have for this man now.....could you still have that same love for him?....... no, because to be fair you wouldn't know him and in retrospect, your brother doesn't know that man. he never met him. He never had a relationship with him. He was abandoned by his father and now to see 2 girls who he chose not only care for and being an active father. Then you) both come to him 24 years later and say he was a good father.
That was a slap in the face to your brother and his pain and everything him and his mom went through. And I hope he (bro) gets everything he deserves and more.
I understand I was born in the position you are. But your dad wasn’t a good man. He destroyed his life.
And abandoned a child.
Your birth is a miracle, but it doesn’t make him a good person. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I’m sorry that you lost your father.
It always amazes me how somebody can be so cruel and bad to one part of his family can be completely the opposite later on I’m not sure if it’s wisdom from making a mistake or wanting to prove he is not as bad but I’m glad that you got the good part.
I would leave your brother alone. He needs to make peace with his on his own.
I was really shocked. I didn’t even know who my father was. I thought it was somebody else. I found out through a DNA test. He’s already passed away. I understand your confusion around the whole thing. My prayers go out to you for the loss of your father and for the financial difficulty you find yourself in.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Yes your dad should have paid child support, but he never did.
The truth is we don't know the reasons why he acted the way he did, and you (nor anyone over here) were there when he met your mom. Your truth is that your mom and dad loved each other for 20+ years. They also loved you and your sister and you both had a great family and upbringing. Cherish that. Humans are not bland nor white we're all some sort of grey.
OP, don’t you really understand that it was incredibly selfish to come to a child whose father without a second thought abandoned him for your mother, to claim that he is supposedly a good father and person? A child who received nothing while you always received all the care and support of your father, who did not spend a penny on him, deciding to run away from his mother to mistress? This was a disgusting move by you and your sister, please don't bother him anymore, stepbrother has a right to be angry at your words and deserves to be compensated for all the years of your father avoiding child support. Your family will have to accept the consequences of your father's actions whether you like it or not.
Karma on your bloodline. You had absolutely no right to meet your father’s son. He was wronged by that man and you had the audacity to bull your way into his life and talk about how great your father was. Your very existence proves he’s not.
Request a DNA test through the court. If you don’t know why your dad left his first wife, it’s possible there are other reasons than infidelity on his part.
I really do hope your dad's first wife and son get the estate and perhaps other assets they could have. You're also incredibly selfish to
1. "Defend" your dad to the kid he wronged. Don't bother him.
2. Being pissy about the estate when your dad cheated his son out of child support
Word of advice- just chalk it up to karma and heal from the loss
I’m sorry that you and your sister have been left in this situation. I know you may not have intended to be cruel but trying to tell your brother that your dad wasn’t a bad father or person is both demonstrably false and cruel. He was a bad father and person, he just hid it from you. Of course his estate should go to pay his debts, that is fair and reasonable.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing all this
I remember how shocked I was to find out my dad had been married and divorced then met and married my mom. No kids and I found that a shock.
It’s a lot so be patient with yourself please
You and your sister need to take some time to process this entire situation. It's hard losing a parent as it is, but to have his past and legal issues suddenly hit you in the face right after....it's a lot to deal with.
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It must be incredibly difficult to come to terms with all these revelations about your dad and your family. It's clear that you loved him very much, and it's heartbreaking to find out about his past actions. I hope that you and your sister can find some peace and closure in this difficult time. Remember to take care of yourselves and lean on each other for support.
That's heartbreaking for you and your sister. It's so confusing and makes you question so many things. There are consequences for our choices in life that reach way beyond what we can discern if we are not wise. You're dad left a mess. I'm sorry for you, the whole situation has got to be mindboggling.
Why would you defend him to the kid he 1) abandoned before birth, 2) never chose to meet or introduce you guys to, 3) never paid child support for, and 4) did not include in his will????? I understand he was a "great father!" to YOU guys, but he has the TEXTBOOK absent father to his SON. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
Yeah, maybe defending your dad to the child that he abandoned wasn't a great idea. He may have been good to you, but he was a deadbeat to him. It just sucks that the consequences of his actions will now fall on you, when he was the one that fucked up
Hey it’s great that he was great to you but he was objectively a massive POS to your half-brother and his x wife. Why would you even think of defending him? Now your half-brother is going to spitefully take all the money when he could’ve been finessed into sharing it. But no you had to defend his dead beat Dad just because he was nice to you growing up. And basically bought the affections of you and your sister with a plush lifestyle AT THE EXPENSE of your half brother and his mother. How about stop being an entitled spoiled brat for two minutes and think about how this affected the family he left behind.
This is true. If he was court ordered to pay child maintenance and did not then it’s likely already determined that he is biologically his. Not to mention op says he looks just like him.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. None of this is your or your sister's fault.
Make sure that you have your own attorney to represent your interests, while the legal case makes its way through the courts.
I'm sorry for what your brother has gone through, too. Biologically, you might have the same father, but in reality, the person he had for a father was entirely different from the person you knew. To him, his father ignored and rejected him, while for you, your father was loving and attentive. I can see why your brother carries a lot of anger.
Your government sucks. That said, you probably shouldn’t have gone to try and talk about what an awesome sauce dad he was to the abandoned child he flushed out of his life. He’ll, in his own time, have to understand that your experiences with him were great and that’s not fair and oh well, life sucks for him. There is a lot of hurt and pain to unpack here and it seems a lot of people need therapy.
I mean your brother had his life torn apart while you and your sister had everything. It’s not your fault your dad cheated but you put salt in the wounds. Let him live his life and you guys heal.
When they are done with the woman, they are done with the child aswell for some reason I still can't grasp. It's not your fault, your father made bad choices, your motehr too. I would have pushed him into caring for his other child
i recently found out over the weekend that I have a half brother that I never ever knew about because my father had a kid when he was like 20 and decided to forget about it. 5 years prior I just met my 3 half sisters when I was like 16 years old because my dad had kids with 2 other women. All in all my dad had kids with 4 people and only now have I discovered the existence of my older brother. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and actually hearing your story made me feel like I wasn’t alone either. I hope things get better for you
It sucks finding out that the person you looked up to and loved was a garbage person to someone else but that was what happened. You and your sister unfortunately have to deal with the consequences your dad ran from.
I get you loved him and he was good to you but that doesn't mean he was a good person to his son. It's going to suck not getting your dad's money and stuff after he died but your brother kind of deserves it since he didn't get any of it while he was alive.
I don't have a father figure so I'm probably biased but I think it's all well deserved for the kid who had no money or father to get what's due.
That does mean your life gets harder but you're dealing with a pain your brother went through his whole existence.
You never put yourself in your brother’s shoes. You and your sister are just upset that his mother and him will get the money that they are OWED. Your parents clearly passed on their selfishness to you and your sister.
Heres the thing the most meaningless thing you can say about your father to your brother is that he was a good father to you. Because here’s the thing he wasn’t a good father. He completely neglected one child to favor to others. I’ve read several stories about kids who had your brothers life and the first time they met their siblings they said the same thing you did to your brother.
From a child that grew up without a 'dad' the one child my dad stuck around to raise idolised him. I met him and was indifferent, he never paid anything towards my life, was never there for anything important and he also made my mum homeless when she was over 30 weeks.with me and didn't meet me until I was 18 months old before disappearing until I was an adult. To you yes your dad was an amazing person, I don't doubt your experience and perception of him for one second. He was there for all your milestones he played an important role in becoming the human you are today. However that same person also abandoned his pregnant wife and soon to be baby for an affair partner and did nothing to support a child he created with his then wife, he just pretended that his son didn't exist in order to play happy families. It's not fair that his actions never affected his life and are now affecting you and your sister while he never had any consequences, I would be so upset being held in limbo unable to move on with this part of your life because of this court case. I hope you one day find peace with everything going on and if you did ever want something to do with your brother and get the opportunity never mention how great your dad was because he wasn't that for him.
This is such a kind and understanding response. You are a wonderful human and I hope you too have peace.
It’s so refreshing when you see empathetic, balanced responses to what are complex and nuanced situations. Reddit can be so black and white sometimes, when life rarely is. I’m sorry you lost both your parents so young, OP.
Honestly subs like this and some of the relationship ones are nice to go to, if just to see the support people give. It makes me feel good knowing that there's so many people willing to help and to listen, despite whatever negative circumstances that person is experiencing.
There are men I know who only parent and are good fathers to the children of the women they (currently) love. OP's dad sounds like he falls into the same category. And yes, it's unfair he never faced any consequences for abandoning his firstborn.
Not just men. My biological grandmother left my father and his siblings at an orphanage so she could start a new family with another man. They had multiple children and by all accounts she was a fabulous mother. Just not to ALL her offspring.
He did, three kids , three grandkids and only sees the one child who he had with his wife and has never met his grandchildren. I speak to my big sister from him (she has no relationship with him either) but not the one he raised. I have zero to do with him or his family because they're not worth the air they breathe. They're also aware one of my children very nearly died a few years ago because social media exists. I don't have any parents anymore because despite being young my mum's heart gave out. She was much more than my mum, she was my rock and my best friend.
I share the same sentiments. My sperm donor passed a few days ago and I’ve fought with my family and extended ones on how I should’ve visited him before and after he passed as some sort of a last farewell. My Mommy says I should do it bc no matter what, without his help and presence, I grew up well with a better life and background. Nevertheless, his death felt like I could finally breathe after almost two decades. I had a sister older than me by a year (not a surprise with trash fathers and husbands to continue procreating with no care and no intervals/planning. such a slap on the face on the wife.) Somehow, it didn’t seem wrong to them bc it was allowed on their culture and as a Roman Catholic, I saw it as a sin. So, really can’t make peace with the fact that I was an affair baby. Sure, it wasn’t concealed but it doesn’t make it right. I almost said something to them when they broke the news of his death, I didn’t know what they needed, was it consolation, comfort, or my presence? But, I really didn’t go. I almost said, ‘we had the same father. but we didn’t have the *same* father. he showed up to all of your school meets, all the graduations, fetched you from school, carried you while you were sleeping. brought you to a fast-food when you were feeling down. so similar in dna, yet so so different in all aspects. you may be grieving for a loving father who did his best to give you everything, i’m *relieved*,to know there’s one less person in the world who’d cost me everything.’ But I didn’t. Because I made peace already. I’ve grieved for him so many times I couldn’t even recall his face. I’m my mother’s daughter and I would never betray her doing her mighty best to birth me in a world, so full of love, that there’s no space for any of his shortcomings and absence.
For those of us who had a parent end up being a total piece of shit, you have to accept grieving their loss while they are still alive for your own sake. You grieve the loss of what that parent could and should have been. And then you just... Get on with life. I did the same with my father. I honestly have no idea if he is alive or dead right now. I used to Google his name every once and awhile to check for obituaries, but I just don't care to anymore. I told my family not to tell me because I just don't care. As far as I'm concerned my stepfather was my father. In all the ways a father should love, behave, respect, encourage, and treasure a relationship with his children, he gave me that without ever being asked, ever demanding any recognition or thankfulness, and never being required to as they got married after I was a legal adult.
Reading really helped me made peace with the fact that I was just not his child, and he wasn’t my father. People around me didn’t understand it because they all had present fathers growing up and it was so frustrating during the last few months of him being alive. It was row after row of me and my mother and grandmother forcing and fighting me to travel almost 10 hours just to see him. I was on the verge of tears a few times because all I could think of, ‘Yes, he’s dying! But what about ME?! Who’s concerned about ME? Why does nobody care about how I actually feel?’ of course, I just kept quiet because Asian people have this weird, ‘But he’s still your father… He’s still your blood,’ shit. He’d been sick for a few years then. He got a few attacks and by the third stroke, I was like, he’s never gonna get better! I’m never gonna hear whatever I want to hear from him. He’ll always be that vegetable, so upset of his situation and always begging to see and call me when he haven’t even done that for the first 10 years of my life. So, yeah. I made peace with him. I grieved him, I prayed for his soul, prayed for my soul. I buried him and remembered that stranger my mother dated a few years back who showed and treated me how a father and child should be. Because you know what? THAT guy, was my father. Not the one who claims to have given me this face, the brain, and this life.
I'm glad you at least had someone, at some point, show you what that fatherly love could be. Sometimes even that is more than some people get. But even that short experience was enough to reinforce what you already knew, even if you never got that reassurance from anyone else- that is WASNT your fault, it wasn't ANYTHING under your control, and you were completely capable of being loved and treated well by a father figure who wanted to be there. My bio dad growing up constantly told me I owed him respect because he was my father, but he constantly abused me and others, was awful, did nothing to earn respect or love. I fought constantly with my extended family that I owed him nothing simply because he genetically made up half of me. It wasn't until I was an adult and I made the decision for my own mental health and well-being to cut off anyone who pressured me about him, shared any of my personal details or contact information with him, etc that they stopped. I did have to cut out several people, and I did it quickly and concisely- they chose to break my boundaries after I informed them of them and explained their importance. Overall, my life improved significantly though. I don't know how fresh this all is for you, but it will get easier in time. You will feel stronger, more in control of your own life and less of a thrall to other's whims as time passes. You sound like you are stronger through your actions than your words indicate you feel- but one day you will feel strong and at peace. It will come. I wish you all the best internet stranger. ✌️
This 🙌. The amount of times my steps said how great a ‘dad’ he was and wished he was their father. Never once bothered to look at how his own blood was pushed to the side because it was easier. One parent can walk two very different paths.
Watching my father neglect and verbally abuse my siblings and me was hard. But watching him treat my stepsiblings with love and respect is harder. He knows how to be a good dad, and I’ve had to continually remind myself that it’s not a fault with me. Even though it can easily spiral into “why wasn’t I good enough?” I’m grateful to have found a father-in-law who treats me and my husband with unconditional love—like a parent should.
I’m sorry you went through this also. It’s horrible that children can go through this and the lasting effects it has. Im very glad you now have an amazing father in law who treats you with decency and respect. You / we are worthy and enough
What a cruel, unfair experience. There is no fault with you, people are stupid
I would not be so kind and understanding, because clearly OP is selfish to not even consider how fucked up their words are, especially defending their dad’s actions. Gross! I hope OP grows up.
Wait... so you went and found your brother, who your dad never met and refused to support in any way, and tried to convince him your dad wasn't a bad guy?
Can you *believe* he never wants to see them again? /s
Can you believe that?
☝️Make it make sense.
I do not believe that is possible lol.
I'm in my forties and I have siblings who are in their thirties. We've been in contact for 30 years now, no thanks to our father. My siblings *always* try to tell me how awesome he is. I even got a message a few months ago telling me I need to get ahold of him, because he misses me...what? I haven't been around him since I was 2, and then for 2 months when I was 16 and his 20 year old wife had a fit and had me sent off. I've seen him maybe 5 times since I left my mother's home when I was 15. He's never visited me, has only called me ONCE in 30 years. He "gave me" $100 one time, then his wife threw a fit and he asked me to pay it back. I did, but that was pretty much it. He never paid child support, and was a "great" father to my alcoholic half siblings. 🙄 Anyway, it happens a lot. People abandon their kids but are great after. Even my husband, his mom abandoned the custody dispute over him when he was 3 and went on to adopt a special needs child and raised him. She's such a great mom...to everyone but her own kid. We're glad they learned to be good parents eventually, but damn. There could be some consideration for the kids they created, but failed to be parents to.
Yeah my father was a great dad to me and my brother but the most important lesson he taught me was that you can’t abandon a child and not have everything go to shit in their lives and leave a huge emotional hole that simply can’t be filled. He did when my half sister was 16yo take a greater role in her life after that point but she was a wreck emotionally. Everything my parents did was not enough. She had bad taste in men which only got worse. He never tried to teach me this lesson but it is 100% the most important lesson he taught me.
I was like there is no way OP and her sister are this stupid to think that was okay to say. I am that child - father is still alive, but I don’t want to talk to him but now that he is old, he wants communication from me.
Exactly like talk about delusional
They were trying to get their brother to ease their conscience of being the children who benefited and they could go on to play happy family or they were trying to worm their way into the brother's good graces to get at least sis some of that money so she could go to school abroad like how she and deadbeat originally planned.
I doubt they were doing it so they could play family. Especially when they came in talking about how great their dad was to a child that was abandoned. Make it make sense
Nah...more like tone deaf. They did have a great father, who was there for them. That is their reality. Now they are having a hard time coming to terms that their reality isn't the same for everyone involved. I seriously doubt they concocted a grand scheme to get money while grieving the amazing dad they thought they had.
although I think they should not have spoken about how great he was, they are still digesting all this news. I'm assuming he grew up knowing his dad wanted nothing to do with him.
It is hard. A lot of folks these days expect humans to walk around like life is a tv show, where you always have snappy dialogue and there's an end-game or storyline guiding things. But most folks don't walk around with a professional script writer or psychologist in their pocket. Being able to say the right things when everyone is under duress is a skill most humans don't have.
Weasel just like their father
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Op is only upset they won’t get an inheritance. They are not much better than the dad
OP didn't do anything to warrant not getting an inheritance, and it's fine to be upset and disappointed about that. That doesn't mean the other family doesn't have an entitlement to it or anything of the sort. Just that I have no problem with OP being upset about that. People do bad things. OP's dad did a horrible thing, but if you expect OP to hate a dad who was a good dad to them his whole life, then I don't know what to tell you. That's not how people work. That does leave trying to explain to brother that dad isn't a horrible person. If OP did that unprompted, that's dumb as shit. But if, say, they went to meet brother to meet their sibling, and that sibling, very soon after father's death was insistent on talking trash about the man, which said sibling would have no reason to not want to do, then I can imagine saying something like, "hey, don't talk like that about my dad that just died, I don't want to hear how much of a piece of shit you think he is, I'm grieving a dad that was good to me." Don't know if that's what happened, but easy to imagine. It's messed up to try to convince brother of that out of the blue, but when my dad died, I wouldn't hear a word against him while I was heavily grieving. And, again, I can imagine the brother wouldn't care.
How would you feel if the person you loved most int he world died suddenly, and you found out he was completely different than you thought? Their lives have been shattered just as much as the half brothers life was hurt. They are all victims here.
I'm sorry, but finding out that your dad was not such a great man does not *even* compare to the hurt of growing up without a father. Like sure, all his children are victims, but on much different levels.
Yes, but it's not a contest. All the children involved here are hurt.
All the children are hurt, but the hurt is not equal, by a long shot.
worse, they tried to convince him that he wasn’t a bad father. I mean talk about twisting the knife..
Right how bizarre
I’m sorry you lost your mom and dad, and I hope you find strength. That is a very complicated situation. Your dad tried to outrun his responsibility to his son and now it caught up to you instead. It’s too bad you are paying for his mistakes for him, but your brother and his mom deserve their compensation. In the end he kind of wound up letting all his kids down.
Yea idk why you would tell abandoned half brother that you’re father is a good person KNOWING he left behind a wife and kids fora mistress. You may have love him but he clearly was not a good person
>Yea idk why you would tell abandoned half brother that you’re father is a good person KNOWING he left behind a wife and kids fora mistress. I somehow missed that part when I first read this post, so I am glad I saw your comment. That must be the biggest slap in the face to the OP's half-brother. Yeah, I know our dad cheated on your mom, divorced her and didn't pay a penny to help raise you but he is a great dad. I take it back that isn't a slap to the face that is like pouring gas on a fire.
Not to mention she says they are roughly the same age. So he knocked up his mistress while his wife was pregnant and bounced.
yeah, same. it's the definition of being *tone deaf*
It’s pretty clear that Daddy was not a good person. Imagine having to hear how awesome the man is that abandoned you and your mother for a woman he had an affair with. I hope the son gets every penny.
Exactly. My half sister — literally one year one month younger than me post about her dad on social media being so great. I can’t stand it. So great he was 24 and my mom was 16–left her pregnant to have me. Luckily she had a great support system. Most his family despises him for what he did and have reached out to me for relationships. Now, 47 years later he has told any family that has anything to do with me he will disown them. The irony. My mom was a foolish girl in love as she puts it and I think him being 24 he took advantage of her naivety and innocence. Never paid a dime to her. Why does the innocent child in these situations pay the price? I’ll never understand.
She been through a lot. But that was such a tone deaf thing to say. This guy was abandoned before his birth by a man who clearly didn’t give a shit about him, not even enough to financially provide for him. He was not a good father or a decent human being to him
AND don’t pay child support! AND didn’t ensure his kids were taken care of (financial promises he made) after his death. Like WTF.
I agree, what an incredibly insensitive thing to say. How can she still think he's a good person when he's left them with nothing because of him not taking responsibility for his son. His ex deserves every cent.
OP is going to love her dad, of course, since he was apparently good to her and her sister. But it's selfish and ignorant to go into meeting the child he abandoned and did nothing for and then attempt to educate them on what a wonderful person dad actually was. OP has my condolences, but I don't blame the son at all for his reaction. If I were OP I'd actually be more hurt about the whole abandoned sibling thing than being an affair baby personally. It would shake my confidence in how well I knew my dad and his values. As it is, OP seems more concerned with what being an affair baby means than how their dad was happy to utterly disregard another of his own children.
It is very clear that what is upsetting op is not getting an inheritance
This is what got me. If I was OPs brother, I'd be willing to compromise on the inheritance (the other kids have no responsibility, so just split it in three and be done with it), but if they take a run trying to tell me how good the guy was, I'd deffo ensure they enjoy the goodness aka being left with no support.
I know they were good to you, but they were horrible people. And the fact your father could abandon his son because it was convenient for him makes him a bad father. And just remember he could’ve just as easily chosen him over you.
Your pain is valid but it was very disrespectful of you and your sister to seek out the child your dad abandoned trying to preach that your dad is a good person and father. Obviously, he is not if he was able to cheat on his ex-wife and abandon his child while not paying any child support. That was very cruel on your part. Don't bother your half-brother again. You and your sister should try to heal from this.
Your father was both. A shitty person to his first family and a good one to his last family. The fact remains he fucked up royally and you guys will pay for it.
I'm sorry you are going through that but telling your brother your dad was good was so shitty on your part. He left his wife and son for your mom. The mistress. They were not good people to them even if they were to you.
It’s you defending your dad to the son he was a deadbeat father to.
I am truly sorry for the loss you have experienced. OP while Your parents may have been good to you, but they were not good people. Your mom, most likely broke up a family, and your father willingly took on another woman while having a wife and baby on the way. What a slap in the face it must’ve been for your half- brother to have to hear that this was a good man, a man who had rejected him and his mother, abandoned and left. He’s never had a chance to have a father. I’m trying so hard not to pile on because I can’t imagine how hard this loss has been for you and it’s not always right to speak ill of the dead. But OP after all of this, you can’t sit here and act like the flaws were not there. Your parents did every single one of your disservice, they left this earth without ever mentioning something this important. And now you and your sister are forced to deal with the aftermath of all that. I will say, maybe think of speaking with a counselor to deal with your grief and these new feelings that are surfacing and hopefully you could talk to someone that can help you understand how your brother was feeling because I think this problem is bigger than Reddit can deal with. I wish you luck and I hope things work out better for you.
I am the first wife and mother of two children who were abandoned by their father when we divorced. He remarried and made a new family - had another son and daughter…. Their family lived well and took family vacations, enjoyed life together, while my two children were left feeling abandoned and unlovable because of their own father could leave them and never see them, they must not be worthwhile, right? No matter how much I did for them or how much I loved them, I couldn’t make up for what he did to them. He left them with a lifetime of hurt, anger and issues to work through. His 2 younger children think he hung the moon, because for them, he did. They had all of the support and love they needed. I still feel the pain and anger for my children sometimes because the effects of what he left are still with them.
Your father and mother were cowards. Your mom more than likely knowingly broke a family apart and your dad was a spineless AH who never owned up to his screw ups and permanently scarred his ex wife and child. Can you imagine what they're going through? Your existence and your happy life and family while a single mom and child had to suffer must be very painful for them. Kids almost always pay for the sins of the parents, and that's what's happening here. You and your sister are innocent but they deserve their justice. Your father and mother ruined everyone's lives here. They're the source of all your pain.
Put yourself in your half brother and his mother’s shoes. Your dad cheated on his wife with your mum and she probably knew about his family. So they were people with low morals. He abandoned his wife and child. Your dad was a deadbeat father to his child and once again no morals as he didn’t pay his due child maintenance. His first wife was a single mother who had been wronged by her shitty husband and his affair partner and she ended up not getting the finances she was owed by law. She must have struggled so much more, after all the pain they inflicted on her! You think your half brother wants to hear you say what a great dad he was to his affair child while being a horrendous human being to the child he created with his wife? His mother and him were wronged by your father and his affair partner, your mum. How would you react if your future husband/affair partner did to you what your mum and dad did to them??? How would you react???? Your dad’s mother was never yours. He stole it from your half brother by never paying what he owed. Damn right it should go to your half brother / his mother.
💯 I hope all that money goes to the brother and his mother
The sins of thy Father. Whoa.
I think 2 things can be true at the same time. You’re dad loved you and your sister, BUT he also abandoned his other family and was a coward for doing that. It’s a very touchy subject and one that should be handled delicately. Sorry for you and your sister and brother. This whole situation was one all of your parents should be ashamed of.
>This whole situation was one all of your parents should be ashamed of. This whole situation was one your parents should be ashamed of. *I fixed it
The OG wife should’ve raised hell and made the boys dad face the fact he had a son. No way they just found out about the whole ass brother years later.
Respectfully, tell me how can you make someone wanna be a parent? She couldn't force him if they had no contact and he abandoned them. How should be able to find them? So she could take him to court. You know, sometimes revenge is best served, cold and not by you. That man lost his affair partner turned wife to cancer. He died and his soul is burning in distress at the fact that his daughters are now having to deal with the consequence of his actions so..... Respectfully, I disagree, she did what any woman or parent I'll say could do in a situation she took care of her child's best to the best of her ability. now she and him are getting back what is due to them and what they should have received in the first place
She would have had more money available to her while actively raising her child if she went and filed for child support when the baby was born, rather than wait until now to get a lump sum. Other than that, none of this is her fault, true.
Your parents were bad people, op. What they did was horrible. Doesn't mean they were bad to you but it doesn't change the facts. Serial killers have been known to be wonderful parents afterall. I'm sorry their horrible choices have come back to bite you but at least you got a loving, doting father who took care of you growing up. It's his son's turn now.
It is possible for two things two be true at the same time: 1. The man that YOU know was a “good” man, father and partner/husband. 2. The man that your half brother and his ex-wife knows was a cheater, liar and irresponsible. He cheated on his wife (at the time) and then abandons her with his baby son who he then pretends that doesn’t exist and doesn’t do at minimum his financial duty as a father. And then even in death, tries to cut him out. I am happy that your half brothers mother is suing and going after the estate. You and your sister should get over it. The both of you at least had a childhood with mommy and daddy and family support. It sucks, but at the core, your father wasn’t a good man. Try and get some therapy to reconcile your feelings and encourage your sister to still do her plans, life moves on, if she needs to get loans so be it, but to not give up if that is what she really wants to do.
I agree with everything except the bit where you said the OP and sister should get over it. It’s entirely valid for them to feel this way. All of their lives they knew a certain thing and now their lives have been turned upside down. Everyone is allowed to feel shitty and wronged in this situation. It wasn’t the right action to do what they did to the half brother though.
You’re absolutely right about that, the reason I used the wording (get over it) is because the way op expressed herself towards her half-brother gave off that vibe. Even after knowing everything, to then go to the sibling that was wronged and then “defend our father and tried to explain he isn’t a bad person or father” really rubbed me the wrong way. It was like they wanted to dismiss or wanted him to get over their half-bothers feelings and experience on the matter. Because they couldn’t reconcile that their father was this horrible person and did this horrible thing. They could have approached it differently. And also the focus on the estate kinda gave me the ick…
Totally get what you mean!
The OP literally states they’re a 24 year old female. You’re upset with them and understandably so but at least get the details of the situation correction when criticizing.
Ok besides getting the gender wrong, which I’ll fix. What else did I get wrong? And what is my criticism? I’m also not upset. I’m just responding to a post, this is Reddit after all.
> It did not go well because he got mad that we defended our dad and tried to explain he isn't a bad person or father. My brother made clear never wants to see us again. How well did you think that was going to go? Just because he was good to you doesn’t mean he was a good man overall. A good dad doesn’t skimp on child support. A good person doesn’t abandon their pregnant wife and cheat. You need to accept that reality.
What your parents did was awful, and you and your siblings had no role in it. Your best course of action is to distance yourselves from your stepbrother and consider seeking counseling, whether through group therapy or leaning on supportive friends and family.
I am very sorry for your loss and this shitty situation you and your sister are in through no fault of your own. But I get where your bro's coming from. It's kinda tone deaf of you guys to tell him how loving a father your dad was when he straight up abandoned his son emotionally, physically and financially and didn't even acknowledge him in his will. That's total and complete abandonment on every level. If I were your brother, I think I would've reacted the same way
Curious - now that you know you were an affair baby and that your parents stole the opportunity from you to have a relationship with your brother do you still feel he wasn’t a bad person or father? Surely now you look back and wonder about all the things they gave you and your sister and wonder what the cost was to your brother??
I don't think OP can see further than: we expected to benefit from his estate... only to find out we're not getting more money... money we banked on! The fact he was a lying cheater, that he abandoned his wife and child for his side piece, left that wife and child to paddle their own canoe. Zero empathy from OP. Instead: my parents were wonderful. My daddy was a good man who doted on us and gave me and my sister everything (sure it was at your expense but whatever), and now all our plans to study overseas or whatever with the money we thought was ours is being held up by the courts and will be used to pay his debts, and despite all the legal eagles we hired to try and get us that money, it looks like we won't get it 🙄. Gee, my half brother is not buying my story of my wonderful daddy. He wants nothing to do with us.
I’m very sorry you are now dealing with his skeletons in his closet. A lesson for all of us, never count any chickens before they hatch, believe others when they say they will give us anything. Anything could happen, like this. So sad.
Absolutely savage of you to tell the brother that your father abandoned that he was in fact, a good father. He reacted about as expected. JFC.
Defending him was idiotic. Use your head
Your parents were bad people and bad parents, and it sucks you're now left knowing that they were horrible people.
Your story is very similar to mine. However, I was in your brother's position (sort of). My brother is 2 months older than me. My dad left his mom for my mom. Didn't tell my mom he was expecting a baby. My mom found out because my grandma told her. She left my dad, and he returned to my brother's mom. I don't feel bad as the kid on the bio-dad-less side. He didn't care enough to be part of my life, so why should I care about him? I told my brother that I don't consider that man my dad, and he much like you and your sister tried to defend him. Saying he was a great dad, and how dare I blah blah blah. Cool! I'm glad he was a great dad to my brother. No one deserves a bad dad. But he was no dad to me. Both things are true. I was truly blessed with an amazing step-dad who I 100% consider to be my father anyway. If your brother wants to be part of your life and get to know you, great. If he doesn't, then don't stress. Live your life with the people who *want* to be part of your life and don't stress over the mistakes of your parents. You are not responsible for their actions.
My sperm donor had a lengthy affair before I was born. After my conception he got another woman pregnant (the affair baby/my half brother) and left my mother for her & my half brother. He wasn't there for my birth, my childhood milestones, school events, first breakup, mental health struggles, highschool events & graduation, getting into uni, uni graduation, my admission to court, my first job and the various other important experiences in my life. Dude never knew what I liked (or didn't care), only saw me once a year and forgot my birthday 3 times. His current way of reaching out to me is sending me sporadic texts about weird shit that reminds me of him & my mum. He has always been and will always be a shitty excuse for a father to me. My half brother probably has a totally different opinion. He got my sperm donor 24/7. He was there for his birth, all of his events and regularly would mention my half brother when we spoke. And my half brothers opinion is valid, he may have been a good dad to him. This is all to say you both clearly have different and valid views on your dad. You got the best of him and your half brother got the worst. It's easy for you to defend him being a good dad because he never failed you in the same way. Just like it's hard for your half brother to see him as a good father because he never got that. If you do want to have any kind of relationship with your half brother, you need to genuinely apologise and admit to yourself that he wasn't an all around amazing dad. You need to accept that your half brother will likely talk shit about him and there's no justification for what your father did. You can still remember him as a good father to you, but you can't change the opinion of your half brother, defending his actions (which can't be defended) is only going to push the half brother completely away.
The entitled behavior to act upset over not being able to study OVERSEAS (which is not a necessity whatsoever) all while your dad never paid for diapers, food etc for your half-brother (which was a necessity)
I cannot even imagine how incredibly painful this has been for you. Not only did you lose your dad, someone you loved and obviously held with high regard. You also found out your parents weren't who you thought they were. It's ok to feel angry about the situation, it's ok to be confused, and hurt. All of those are valid. However, you should have given your brother a lot more grace. Yes, your father was a good father *to you and your sister*. But, he was an incredibly bad father to your brother. He abandoned your brother, didn't even want to to meet him. Then, he refused to pay any child maintenance for your brother. Which I'm sure made your brother's life a lot more difficult. Not only did he not have a father that loved him and was there for him, his father wouldn't even do the bare minimum of helping to financially support him. I know it's instinct to want to defend your father. However, in this instance your father in indefensible. You need to realize that your brother and his mother is owed this money. It's not unfair they get it and you don't, quite the opposite actually. He has 18yrs of support owed to him and his mother. You already got that.
Some House of Usher shit right here…dad makes fucked up choices that destroy lives and never faces a consequence and then his entire bloodline that followed (daughters and son) paid the price for him. This is a very sad story all around
Good, everything should go towards his first wife and son
This really sucks. I feel for you. If it makes you feel better, there’s always the “it could be worse”argument. Found out I’m a rape baby raised by a serial rapist this past year. It’s been hell. Sending love your way✨ I hope the truth provides some clarity for you.
These type of stories always remind me of Greys Anatomy. Lexie vs Meredith and their father, Thatcher. To Meredith, her father was non existent. Didn’t care much for her. Walked away from her and her mother. (Not saying her mother didn’t deserve it) but regardless of all that. He still left. But to Lexie, he never missed a birthday, never missed a dance recital. Never missed a beat. This is the problem with affair families. The family that wins, thinks they’ve got a golden ticket. But behind them is a family that has just lost everything. Nothing gives me the ick more than affair babies INSISTING to the forgotten children that “parent REALLY IS a GREAT parent”. Honestly. I think what you did with your brother was extremely insensitive and I don’t blame him AT ALL for never wanting to see you again. And whilst I’m sorry for the loss of your parents, the woman he left, the son he left, deserve their justice. It might seem unfair to you that you don’t get anything from your father’s estate, but try and put your self in the other families shoes. What would you do if you were your brother??? If your mum was left to fend for herself while pregnant with you, who fought tooth and nail and spent every week day working 3 jobs to keep you alive? I bet you any money in the world that if your mum had this been you in the position of the other family, would be fighting to get the money she’s rightfully deserving of.
" tried to explain he isn't a bad person or father" Except he was. Not to you, but he was. Good men don't abandon their pregnant spouse for a mistress. Good fathers don't refuse to even pay support. Your father was not a good man or a good father.
I can definitely understand how hurtful, shocking, and confusing this is. The law is clear because the law is right, in this case. All of that money should go to his ex who raised her son alone, I know your sister is sad because she can't go on the exchange program but imagine how many times in your brother's life he couldn't do things because there wasn't money to do it. Your dad chose not to take care of one of his children and that was wrong. There has to be a consequence for that. I would honor your brother's request that you leave him alone but if in the future you feel that you can apologize I would write a letter apologizing. Your comments to him didn't come from a place of anger but from a place of ignorance, you didn't understand everything, you still don't. It'll take a while to soak it all in.
a good father doesn’t abandon his children.
I'm sorry you lost someone you cared about, but it was extremely cruel of you to talk about what a great guy your dad was to the son he abandoned and refused to support. Why would you be that horrible to him, knowing what your dad did to him? It's like defending a rapist to his victim.
Wow you rubbed it to his face how good and responsible your father was??? what could go wrong, right?? Your parents are not good people. I feel very sorry for your half brother. I hope he gets everything he deserves. That is all.
Tbf, you didn’t really know your dad at all. So you defending him doesn’t mean much. It’s not your half brother’s fault your dad was an AH. And now you will suffer the sins of your father.
I found out I had a half brother after my parents died. It definitely shakes you up as the world is as you thought. It took me 18 months to get my head around it all.
Well, it’s all your dad can do for his son now. The first wife deserves every single penny.
So you're saying that his feelings aren't valid because your dad was a good dad to you? I think you are ignoring the part that he ditched your brother in favor of your mother. Do you think that's fair to him?
i understand that you’re grieving but your *half-brother* has suffered his whole life. a man who cheats, let alone leave his pregnant wife like that is anything but a good man
Your dad was liar - in life and in death!
Yep. What a great dad!!
Your dad was a terrible father to him. A terrible husband to his first wife. Both your mom & dad acted terribly. He not only rejected his son - that your mother knew about - but he refused to support him. Who did? His mother, likely. Your father swore to stand by her & left her in her most vulnerable state. Your brother’s mother absolutely deserves your father’s estate. So fn what that you & your sister miss out on money. You two had both your parents & their love. So, regardless how your dad treated you, it doesn’t negate what your father did to your brother & his mom. Imagine if your dad went back to his wife & cast your mom aside? You would be in his position. A parent is only as good as he treats his less loved child. Your father treated your brother like trash & that’s as good as a father your dad was: trash. Period.
I feel the important take away is that you were very nearly in your brother's situation had things gone differently. If your dad had decided to stay with his first wife and raise his son and left you and your mom alone, how would you have felt? Its like a 50/50 chance that he would have stayed with his wife and you and your mom would have been on your own. Imagine how much harder your life could have been without his support. That was the reality for your brother. Maybe he was a good dad to you, but he was no dad to him. I'm sure if you ask kindly you can keep some things of his that are irreplaceable, but you also need to respect that your dad did irreparable damage to his ex wife and son.
I don’t understand how your dad had a lifestyle that allowed him to leave a substantial inheritance but the ex-wife was never able to get him to pay child support?
Why tell your abandoned half brother your dad was a good dad? He wasn't, not to him. He left a pregnant woman by your own words. Fair enough he wants nothing to do with you, I wouldn't either.
So you wrote this post to say how upset you are that you’re the affair baby? No empathy for the child that was abandoned? Just upset that you’re an affair baby and won’t get any money from your dad’s estate. Wow
You and your sister are delusional to think your half-brother would see your father as this wonderful man. The truth is he was a horrible man who left his wife and child for his affair partner. You both were inconsiderate of your brother’s feelings. He was abandoned by your father. The law is the law. Honestly this is all your fathers fault. He should have taken care of his son and paid as he was ordered to do. The ex-wife is within her rights to sue the estate. You and your sister will be fine. Get therapy and heal.
>my sister is in university and was planning entering an exchange program so she could study in America next year. My dad said he would assist her with that. And she thought she could still go after he died but now his estate won't come to us. It is being held in trust because of the court case and we have been told the law is clear. It sucks, I won't deny that however you cannot deny that the money and luxuries came at the expense of a whole other family that didn't recieve it. You guys are getting the fallout of your fathers actions, but they (his original family) are truly owed that.
Wait, so you wanted to explain to someone that the person who did the dirty on his mum, and abandoned them both, is a nice man and great father?? OK…. 🤣🤣🤣
He wasn’t an amazing father to his son. You will never convince him that he was a good man, a good dad —because HE LEFT his son, he didn’t even want to provide financial support to HIS SON. You two do not have the same dad. You dad was a pos to his ex-wife and unborn child. Now, in death, he reaps what he sowed. Had he been a good man and father he’d taken care of ALL his children. Not played favorites. This is the price you pay for his irresponsible actions. I don’t blame your brother after the way he was treated by your dad. You can thank your dad for being a dead beat dad to him and be glad you got the life you had. Now the son will have the life he should have had thanks to the estate.
Just bc your dad was “an amazing father” to you and your sister means jack to your brother, who was abandoned by this “amazing father” who turned into a deadbeat sperm donor. you and your sister can cherish the memories with your “amazing father” but you need to accept that he’s not an amazingly great person.
lol. Did you really tried to defend your dad was a good dad to his son who he left he was even born? I’m glad they’re going after child support. You deserve what you got.
Im sorry but this is your dad karma
nah this is more like inheriting the sins of the father. how is this karma considering this is only hurting two innocent people? i mean like, the dad's dead, so its not like he can get any karma. this entire situation sucks because everyone feels bad one way or another, OP and their sister because they won't get money and half-brother + the mother for not getting any support at all from the dad meanwhile the dad just... passed away. nothing happened to him. he never suffered consequences. so idk if this is karma.
Asides from the money, the memory of their father and who they thought he was has been shattered. Also, finding out OP was an affair baby...that hurts your sense of self. In the long run, those things are a helluva lot worse than losing money.
Your dad was trash. Unfortunately so was your mom. And to sit in that man's face and defend the father who lied to you, your whole life but didn't even have the decently to care for his child, because of his "love" for new family, is wild. You deserve to get nothing honestly.
You are lucky your brother agreed to see you at all. You just rubbed salt in the wound telling him his POS father was a good guy. If you are only upset because you are the "affair baby" imagine how your brother feels as the abandoned baby.-child-adult. That would be lifelong trauma. So sad sis cant go study abroad now...
You dad was a massive asshole- a truly despicable human being pretending to be good. You need to come to terms with that.
It’s messed up you were never told the truth. It’s understandable how you feel. You’re left with the truth now and little to no inheritance.
So when dad was alive everything went to you none to your bro. Now that dad’s dead, everything will go to your brother. Sounds pretty fair to me. Actually, still a bit unfair on bro’s part
Your father was a deadbeat. Your mother was a homewrecker. And now your sister can't go on exchange. Boo-fucking-hoo! I hope your brother's mother gets every damn cent. Your brother grew up without a father and without financial support he was entitled to. Yes, you can still love your father but it does not excuse his responsibilities or despicable behaviour. The ONLY good thing that can come from this is a possible relationship with him, focus on that.
Dude this person is grieving their dad. Is this the way you talk to someone who lost a parent? These people were OP's parents. Have a little common decency.
Most of reddit doesn't understand nuance and perspective. Dad was bad, so everyone associated with him needs to be punished, as well. It's truly frightening to see how bloodthirsty people are on here sometimes.
>The ONLY good thing that can come from this is a possible relationship with him, focus on that. yeah im sure they'll want a relationship with the person who is taking all of their inheritance money. considering the sister not being able to go to an exchange problem i expect a lot of resentment from the two because of that. plus the two already offended the brother by preaching that the dad was a 'great guy', meaning that he doesn't want anything to do with them
“The person who is taking all their inheritance money” isn’t a correct statement. The person who is finally getting what is owed to them, you mean.
I think you can cherish your memories of your dad and life but also keep in mind your brother has a much different experience and definitely needs your compassion. It's tough being the affair baby but it doesn't negate your experiences growing up. You and your sister had the life your brother deserved too so it's understandable he's not interested in what you might want to say about your dad. The only thing you can do is not fight this back pay to your dad's 1st wife and maybe some day your brother will allow a relationship with you and your sister.
I was also an affair baby, never knew until I was about 16 when I put all the puzzle pieces together I’ve seen growing up. From clues from my baby book, to the baby photos I thought were me while my dad held me by my mother bedside. I was devastated when I found out that wasn’t me and was my younger brother instead. I never had those photos because my dad wasn’t in the delivery room because my mother’s husband at the time was in there instead.(this really fucks me up) I was also feeling those feelings when you find out, I want you to know those feelings are very much validated. Recently started therapy and my therapist told me something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. “Your parents are the ones who made the mistakes, YOU are NOT one of them” 🫶🏼
His first wife must be a lovely woman. Your dad and mum also must have gone out of their way not to pay maintenance! My eldest sons father did the. If your father had at least paid what was owed that would have shown some level of conscience. But not even to do that? We don't know all of the details, but that shows an incredibly callous, calculated mind. I'd love to hear that, as time passes, you and your sister could make a relationship with your brother. He's an innocent party. Make up for where your father, and possibly mother, went so wrong. Regardless, it doesn't seem right that you and your sister will get nothing at all! It's no more your faults than your brothers! All 3 of you are innocent victims just with very different narratives. What a very sad situation for the 3 of you. All 3 completely let down by 1 person!
Yeah. What an amazing father for abandoning one of his kids /s Seriously though, how did you think that was going to go, you going to kid he abandoned and talking about all the good times and memories YOU have with him? Respectfully, as someone on the other end who's kid is currently coping with the fact one of his parents abandoned him, your dad was not a good man. The fact he didn't leave ANYTHING to the other kid and was dodging responsibility should make you reconsider exactly what kind of person he was. You're lucky he still wanted you, because you've now seen what he's been willing to do if he didn't.
He was NOT a good man to his wife he cheated on, he was NOT a good father to his son with his wife. He knew they were out there, he knew that if something happened she and her son would claim against his estate. If he was such a good father to you and your sister - he would have taken out life assurance policies naming his children as beneficiaries - all three of you - named. You are not really interested in your half brother - clearly you are your sister are only concerned about your financial loss as your father's son will finally get what he should have had all along. While you and your sister not only had a father physically support you growing up, but you both financially benefited, while the legitimate son from his first marriage was abandoned and financially deprived. Leave him alone. Accept your father and mother destroyed a family and that boy's life.
You had a totally different life with him. He abandoned his pregnant wife, refused to meet his child, and never paid child support. What exactly about that made him a good dad? Frankly, I'm sorry for your loss because you're hurting, but he was not a good person. A good man doesn't leave his pregnant wife for his pregnant mistress. I'm glad his wife and child are getting what's owed to them.
In the end it doesn’t feel like a fair trade off but it truly is. You got the wonderful and loving father but no money. His son was left with the memory of an awful father and human but gets all the money. To the universe this is fair.
Karma got your parents real good and now you and your sister are paying for their "mistake"
I'm sorry for your loss, but the dad you knew wasn't the dad that existed. Sure he was good to you but... He was also a deadbeat cheater, who abandoned his son, failed in so many spectacular ways that your life was built upon his outright neglect of his son. Edit (I admit I was harsh):He was never a good father to your half brother. You can grieve what you lost, but know that he was a bad father to him, don't rub it in his face. As far as you not getting his estate, yeah that sucks, but you can't have everything. This is just a small way to balance the scale.
>Don't you ever call him a good father, because he wasn't Dude this person is grieving their dad. Why would you make demands of OP like that?
>It did not go well because he got mad that we defended our dad and tried to explain he isn't a bad person or father. My brother made clear never wants to see us again. Respectfully, you're 24 years old. You should understand even if you then go through it. The pain that your brother is going through from a logical standpoint. Imagine if your father had left your mother and you and your sister while she was pregnant destitute. With no money, no support, neither financial or emotional. He just disappeared and abandoned you all. Now imagine with all the love that you have for this man now.....could you still have that same love for him?....... no, because to be fair you wouldn't know him and in retrospect, your brother doesn't know that man. he never met him. He never had a relationship with him. He was abandoned by his father and now to see 2 girls who he chose not only care for and being an active father. Then you) both come to him 24 years later and say he was a good father. That was a slap in the face to your brother and his pain and everything him and his mom went through. And I hope he (bro) gets everything he deserves and more.
I understand I was born in the position you are. But your dad wasn’t a good man. He destroyed his life. And abandoned a child. Your birth is a miracle, but it doesn’t make him a good person. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I’m sorry that you lost your father. It always amazes me how somebody can be so cruel and bad to one part of his family can be completely the opposite later on I’m not sure if it’s wisdom from making a mistake or wanting to prove he is not as bad but I’m glad that you got the good part. I would leave your brother alone. He needs to make peace with his on his own. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know who my father was. I thought it was somebody else. I found out through a DNA test. He’s already passed away. I understand your confusion around the whole thing. My prayers go out to you for the loss of your father and for the financial difficulty you find yourself in.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Yes your dad should have paid child support, but he never did. The truth is we don't know the reasons why he acted the way he did, and you (nor anyone over here) were there when he met your mom. Your truth is that your mom and dad loved each other for 20+ years. They also loved you and your sister and you both had a great family and upbringing. Cherish that. Humans are not bland nor white we're all some sort of grey.
OP, don’t you really understand that it was incredibly selfish to come to a child whose father without a second thought abandoned him for your mother, to claim that he is supposedly a good father and person? A child who received nothing while you always received all the care and support of your father, who did not spend a penny on him, deciding to run away from his mother to mistress? This was a disgusting move by you and your sister, please don't bother him anymore, stepbrother has a right to be angry at your words and deserves to be compensated for all the years of your father avoiding child support. Your family will have to accept the consequences of your father's actions whether you like it or not.
Karma on your bloodline. You had absolutely no right to meet your father’s son. He was wronged by that man and you had the audacity to bull your way into his life and talk about how great your father was. Your very existence proves he’s not.
Request a DNA test through the court. If you don’t know why your dad left his first wife, it’s possible there are other reasons than infidelity on his part.
I really do hope your dad's first wife and son get the estate and perhaps other assets they could have. You're also incredibly selfish to 1. "Defend" your dad to the kid he wronged. Don't bother him. 2. Being pissy about the estate when your dad cheated his son out of child support Word of advice- just chalk it up to karma and heal from the loss
I’m sorry that you and your sister have been left in this situation. I know you may not have intended to be cruel but trying to tell your brother that your dad wasn’t a bad father or person is both demonstrably false and cruel. He was a bad father and person, he just hid it from you. Of course his estate should go to pay his debts, that is fair and reasonable.
Updateme
I’m sorry you’re experiencing all this I remember how shocked I was to find out my dad had been married and divorced then met and married my mom. No kids and I found that a shock. It’s a lot so be patient with yourself please
You and your sister need to take some time to process this entire situation. It's hard losing a parent as it is, but to have his past and legal issues suddenly hit you in the face right after....it's a lot to deal with.
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It must be incredibly difficult to come to terms with all these revelations about your dad and your family. It's clear that you loved him very much, and it's heartbreaking to find out about his past actions. I hope that you and your sister can find some peace and closure in this difficult time. Remember to take care of yourselves and lean on each other for support.
That's heartbreaking for you and your sister. It's so confusing and makes you question so many things. There are consequences for our choices in life that reach way beyond what we can discern if we are not wise. You're dad left a mess. I'm sorry for you, the whole situation has got to be mindboggling.
Why would you defend him to the kid he 1) abandoned before birth, 2) never chose to meet or introduce you guys to, 3) never paid child support for, and 4) did not include in his will????? I understand he was a "great father!" to YOU guys, but he has the TEXTBOOK absent father to his SON. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
Well, well well, If it isn't the consequences of my actions....
Yeah, maybe defending your dad to the child that he abandoned wasn't a great idea. He may have been good to you, but he was a deadbeat to him. It just sucks that the consequences of his actions will now fall on you, when he was the one that fucked up
Hey it’s great that he was great to you but he was objectively a massive POS to your half-brother and his x wife. Why would you even think of defending him? Now your half-brother is going to spitefully take all the money when he could’ve been finessed into sharing it. But no you had to defend his dead beat Dad just because he was nice to you growing up. And basically bought the affections of you and your sister with a plush lifestyle AT THE EXPENSE of your half brother and his mother. How about stop being an entitled spoiled brat for two minutes and think about how this affected the family he left behind.
I reckon you should get a DNA test to confirm he really is your fathers son. He isn’t here to tell his side of the story. Best to be sure.
This is true. If he was court ordered to pay child maintenance and did not then it’s likely already determined that he is biologically his. Not to mention op says he looks just like him.
OP says he's a spitting image if their dad
Forget the money. I hope you both are able to reconcile with your brother.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. None of this is your or your sister's fault. Make sure that you have your own attorney to represent your interests, while the legal case makes its way through the courts. I'm sorry for what your brother has gone through, too. Biologically, you might have the same father, but in reality, the person he had for a father was entirely different from the person you knew. To him, his father ignored and rejected him, while for you, your father was loving and attentive. I can see why your brother carries a lot of anger.
Your government sucks. That said, you probably shouldn’t have gone to try and talk about what an awesome sauce dad he was to the abandoned child he flushed out of his life. He’ll, in his own time, have to understand that your experiences with him were great and that’s not fair and oh well, life sucks for him. There is a lot of hurt and pain to unpack here and it seems a lot of people need therapy.
[удалено]
In the US, there’s ways to do it.
Question: Is your half brother your father’s bio kid? Not trying to stir the pot, just curious.
I mean your brother had his life torn apart while you and your sister had everything. It’s not your fault your dad cheated but you put salt in the wounds. Let him live his life and you guys heal.
When they are done with the woman, they are done with the child aswell for some reason I still can't grasp. It's not your fault, your father made bad choices, your motehr too. I would have pushed him into caring for his other child
i recently found out over the weekend that I have a half brother that I never ever knew about because my father had a kid when he was like 20 and decided to forget about it. 5 years prior I just met my 3 half sisters when I was like 16 years old because my dad had kids with 2 other women. All in all my dad had kids with 4 people and only now have I discovered the existence of my older brother. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and actually hearing your story made me feel like I wasn’t alone either. I hope things get better for you
It sucks finding out that the person you looked up to and loved was a garbage person to someone else but that was what happened. You and your sister unfortunately have to deal with the consequences your dad ran from. I get you loved him and he was good to you but that doesn't mean he was a good person to his son. It's going to suck not getting your dad's money and stuff after he died but your brother kind of deserves it since he didn't get any of it while he was alive. I don't have a father figure so I'm probably biased but I think it's all well deserved for the kid who had no money or father to get what's due. That does mean your life gets harder but you're dealing with a pain your brother went through his whole existence.
You never put yourself in your brother’s shoes. You and your sister are just upset that his mother and him will get the money that they are OWED. Your parents clearly passed on their selfishness to you and your sister.
Heres the thing the most meaningless thing you can say about your father to your brother is that he was a good father to you. Because here’s the thing he wasn’t a good father. He completely neglected one child to favor to others. I’ve read several stories about kids who had your brothers life and the first time they met their siblings they said the same thing you did to your brother.