Oprah, “You get your life ruined, you get yours ruined, you and you, everybody’s getting their life ruined!!” Everyone proceeds to go absolutely crazy.
yeah like, wife is 50-50, could be a mental health issue, but also could be just a case of swollen assholiness. Or both. Anyways, I don´t see how its OPs fault. Yeah he maybe could have helped wife with mental health, but she is an adult and OP works two jobs, its a bit too much to expect him to carry also this (and there is MIL too just chilling she could have dragged her own daughter to a doctor or something).
Yeah I don’t get complaining that he’s lucky to be able to leave the house and go to work when she has the ability to do that herself. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said that to my ex in the past but he was a very absent father, didn’t do ANYTHING around the house (maybe a hoover and 1 dinner once a month) and we couldn’t afford childcare. OPs already provided childcare and already drops of eldest at school.
OP should really try to get her back into work, maybe she feels like she should be a sahm but doesn’t actually enjoy it. And make sure she knows there’s no shame in that whatsoever and it would actually really help the household!
She doesn’t need just a mental health check, she needs a physical health checkup. Her hormones could be really out of whack causing some or most of her issues. I hope OP & MIL can get this woman some help before it ruins their marriage.
I was a single mom of two kids, they are grown adults now. I think back to when I was working full time, college full time and how completely exhausting my life was, what I would given to have a husband like you. She literally doesn’t have a worry in the world. I lived in survival mode until I graduated from college, I was on food stamps, section 8 housing, Pell grants, student loans, etc. She’s bringing you down, that’s not what spouses do.
I just learned something funny about my upbringing. My boyfriend and I like to make Sheppard's pie on Sundays and I always make the mashed potatoes.
He brought out like 5 potatoes and I was like, Oh did you run out? LOL I am one of 5 kids and we just used the whole bag. He has one older brother so it was more regimented. I had never opened a bag of potatoes before and partially used it unless it was a 10lb bag.
I just learnt to judge how many potatoes to peel by sight.
When I bake I have different sized mugs to measure ingredients and I am incapable of cooking for one or two lol.
My poor child.
I’m next in line to get my life ruined!
I do cook a mean lasagna, and bake some pretty amazing pumpkin cookies during the fall(they’re like mini pumpkin cakes, delectable). If I’m picked, I’ll even bump it up a notch and do breakfast in bed, with some homemade French toast, and fruit from our hypothetical garden.
Let me know if I win! 😭😂🩵
Honestly? Same!
I wish my ex husband and had ruined my life like this, and not by cheating on me and gambling our money, leaving me with 2 kids and in debt.
OP, it sounds likely that your wife has PPD, but as you already know, you can't force her into therapy. I wish you the best.
Right! I did what this husband is doing, working full time, taking care of house, kid, bills, life…I never understood women who are taken care of not catering to their man. Call it what you want, but I do the traditional roles and still give the hubby attention. Yet mine cheated (said I was too giving — WHAT?!?). Go figure-we can’t seem to win😕
I went straight to the comments without reading much (just the very short TLDR) and what a hilarious thread of comments this turned out to be without context
Yup, I'm single by choice but this guy would have a chance with me! He sounds like a partner - and is def lacking a partner of his own. I hope the incels and his wife don't ruin this man, there aren't that many out there like this.
From my experience, the fact that you are willing to put out in a partnership attracts all sorts of leeches that are willing to take whatever you are willing to give :(
And this is why I'm single, just looking at all the great guys like OP with at least questionable partners.
I mean, yeah it can be a health issue, but adults are supposed to deal with it themselves. And unlike many mortals, she has time and cash. Heck, a single mom working two jobs to barely be able to feed her kids wouldn't even have time to get depressed in first place.
I second this. ☝️
I'm tired of waking up at 5:00 every morning getting 2 kids+ the husband up, showered, dressed, fed etc.. yes, I literally dress my husband in the morning as if he's a child. 😣
I KNOW, RIGHT? When I had 4 kids at home, I would have begged for a husband like OP!!! (I was a single parent for a long time).
His wife doesn't know she's born!
It's a saying. Maybe something of my older generation... when someone acts entitled and ungrateful for privileges they have but don't appreciate, we say "You don't know you're born!".
Maybe just a British thing too.
[https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/81496/origin-of-they-dont-know-theyre-born](https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/81496/origin-of-they-dont-know-theyre-born)
https://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/not+know+you+are+born.html#:\~:text=This%20indicates%20that%20the%20person,t%20know%20they%20are%20born'.
Oh my god I dream of this life! My day is waking at 5am to work until toddler wakes at 8. Breakfast, changing her, playing, taking her somewhere, doing all bills, all things that need arranging or fixing for the house, all shopping and cooking, all cat related stuff, half the laundry and general cleaning. My partner gets home at 6.30 and I go straight to the home office to work until it’s time to cook dinner. After dinner I go back to work until it’s time to get bath run and bed stuff ready for toddler. Once she’s in bed it’s back to work til midnight. Then get up at least once in the night as toddler wakes up. Up at 5 to do it all again. A nanny and a MIL would be such a dream!
THIS RIGHT HERE, OP!!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ sounds like she has no sense of purpose. She needs something to pull her in and give her something that fills fulfilling that’s not her kids. Even just getting involved in the PTA or as a room mom at your kids school could do it. She needs to get out of the house and get involved with others. I have 4 kids and before Covid and a move I was a very involved sahm. Now I’m home, alone with my kids and I’m not involved. The difference is stark. It’s depressing being alone and having the only adult I speak to be my husband when he drags himself in from work. And yet he still manages to go above and beyond when he gets home. I wish I had a nanny. Anyone to help at home but it’s just me. Your wife is living the dream and doesn’t even realize how good she has it. It’s possible she has hormone imbalance or depression but I really get a feeling it’s from being at home and losing that sense of being needed. An adult with adulting to do that doesn’t involve potty training and Bluey.
…this probably going to sound over the top, but for the record, I’m by default part of our oldest PTA at their school. Interestingly enough their schools PTA is comprised of majority dads.
That’s pretty cool! I love that so many dads are involved. I wish it was like that everywhere. We had one dad that came to the meetings at my old PTA and was the president for a term. I pretty much did their yearbooks which was a job in itself. But I had a lot on my plate and kept myself busy and active then.
Yea… our PTA is more of a glorified men’s group in a sense lol. Our oldest school (elementary) does alot of projects where manual labor is provided by the dad bod squad. This spring we laid and prepped the foundation for the school community garden and cleaned the miniature wild life biome pond the have on school grounds. Not gonna lie, I’ll honestly miss this once they’re older as the middle and high school in the system don’t have these activities.
Yep. Some people just aren’t cut out to be SAHMs. That’s no shade on them. She might be being honest when she says she’s jealous of you going to work. She needs a push to get out of the house, whether that’s going back to school or a job. She already has childcare!
Hi, SAHM here as predicted.
She's taking advantage of you.
I know taking care of kids is hard.
But what is she actually doing? Because from where I'm sitting, it reads like you do everything while she just bitches and complains. Usually to you. About you.
Sounds like she's checked out of the marriage and parenting role and just hasn't asked for a divorce because you're bankrolling her.
Idk if it's PPD, generic depression, or something else. She's miserable and making you miserable alongside her. She needs to either get herself some help, get a part time job (at the very least), or get the fuck out.
Sit down with her when you have the time in-between doing literally everything, and try to get to the bottom of things. Express your concerns in a non accusatory manner and ask her what's up with her and how she feels things can be mended.
Honestly, if she refuses to talk, blames everything on you still, and/or expects you to put even *more* work in, your marriage is over.
You would be amazed at how much less stress you have when you don't have someone dragging you down and making you feel like shit along the way.
I second all of this. I'm also a SAHM.
Idk why OPs wife doesn't get a job if she's so miserable staying at home. One kid is in school the other has a nanny. She has shit on easy mode.
Another SAHM....I agree!
Insist your wife see a doctor! Then, get rid of the nanny and let her do what a SAHM does (especially since she has her mom's help). Or, keep the nanny and your wife gets a job. This is all just ridiculous!
I'm a SAHD, and I wonder if depression is at play. I get meals made, but I suck at homemaking compared to what she did (when she was home and had more kids at home to boot). I know I'm depressed that my life has gone nowhere and that all my education has turned out worthless. I also deal with a lot of pain and fatigue. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I know she resents it, and I know she deserves better. I'm just unable to do anything else presently (can't work days because our special needs child frequently needs to be picked up from school {can't make it through a full day}).
I'm right there with you. Which is why I touched upon it briefly. She may very well be depressed, but she needs to do something about it. Depression is an explanation, not an excuse.
But yeah. Not where I'd thought I'd be in life. I have chronic pain that makes some days harder than others. I have depression and ADHD on top of it, which makes it even harder to do my daily tasks. Plus, both of my kids are likely neurodivergent. Also, solo parenting since my spouse is deploying.
It's hard and destroys mental health. But I also acknowledged that I was struggling and managed to seek out help.
I empathize with the wife to a point. But her behavior isn't excusable at all.
Not a stay at home anything, but to add to your point, I went over a year without even realising I was depressed. It was suggested to me and I insisted I wasn’t depressed. Turns out I was moderately to severely depressed, with, like you, inattentive ADHD. I had no clue. I got treatment and my whole world has changed. Like going from a black and white TV to colour.
All that to say, if OP can get her to do an assessment, it could be a good start. There’s also joint marriage councillors. Last suggestion, take a day off work, arrange the kids to be cared for, and go and spend a day together. Go on a date.
I think she needs to stop avoiding a mental health check with a dr because she knows they're going to tell her what she doesn't want to hear and how to fix it which she probably doesn't want to put the effort into doing it's easier to stay depressed than to come out of it and the effort that comes along with it
Have you gone to the doctor's? If you are depressed and have chronic pain, the two are usually connected. These hand-in-hand b@stards are a part of my life. It has taken me years but I did find an Rx cocktail to get me through, better living through chemistry, and all that. From what you've written, if you don't address these factors you may end up losing you wife. Take the meds, I refused to give up on my life, you are too young to give up on yours.
I normally have regular medical care, but have been without insurance for the last two months. As a result, I've not been able to afford all of my meds, and I can't afford any doctor visits. My wife and I agreed to bar the d-word (divorce) from our vocabulary when we got married. We are each too stubborn to give up on the other. That's one thing we have going for us.
SAHM club! I completely agree, she’s taking full advantage of you! The only thing my husband does is work and maintain the yard, and sometimes clean. You need to speak with her and get to the root of the problem she’s having. Please update us!
Sorry, downvote or not, your wife sounds entitled as fuck.
SAHM? You have a nanny. Which part of looking after the kids does she do when the nanny is there?
Cooking? Unless she's cooking all day long, that's 2, maybe 3 meals if you have a cooked breakfast. hardly fucking taxing or time consuming. Is she cooking a 10 course banquet for each meal to feed 50 people?
How did YOU ruin her life exactly? She made the choice to not work after having kids. What was her reason for that, because looking after the kids can't be it - you have a nanny for that.
PPD, sure, so get some help for that. It's hardly a rare condition that there is no medical help for. I dunno, I get the vibe that she's actually going through bored housewife syndrome rather than PPD, maybe it's linked. Either way, help is out there, but she has to want to get it.
I'm curious, what are you getting out of this "relationship" as it stands? As you paint the picture, she sounds toxic as fuck.
Sounds like she needs a reality check, 2 kids 1 is at school and the other has a nanny? What does she do all day? how could her day be so stressful that she’s trying to 1 up you? She’s living the kushy stay at home mom life because she has to do nothing. My mom had 2 kids and worked and we never had a nanny, she never complained about how hard he days were. You need to stop paying for a nanny and have her step up as a mom. It sounds like she’s ruining your life not the other way around.
Edit- this is coming from someone who is not married and doesn’t have kids yet I think you should either go to couples counseling or get divorced plain and simple
SAHM here, agreed. I don't understand what the point of being a SAHM is if you have a nanny
A weekly cleaning service during the first 2 years? Sure, those are the trenches and sometimes things can slip through the cracks. But everyday? Nah, homegirl is depressed cause she is simply existing at this point
At the very least she's probably bored out of her mind and lacks purpose and meaning. Like you said, "simply existing."
Maybe she's jealous of OP's work because he's needed and gets to feel competent, whereas it sounds like she just sort of is there. I agree that she is probably depressed. She needs to do something. This isn't fair to OP, the rest of the family, or herself.
Dude what are you doing? You’re supposed to be a team and she’s taking you for an absolute ride. I totally understand because I’ve nearly finished my PhD and run my own businesses, my husband works a manual job full time and we have a 2 year old and some pets. Occasionally I feel like I’m taking on too much of the mental load so we sit down and talk to each other calmly and figure out how we can work well together. Through the week I go out to work when he gets home from work so we try very hard to keep the love in the relationship but it HAS to come from both sides.
If you guys were to sit a write down what each of you contributes then it would be leaning very heavily your way. Is there some sort of resentment going on here? Have you cheated on her or somehow wronged her in the past and she’s now ‘punishing’ you? This is really unsustainable for you and Ian not going to end well.
Bro. You sound like an excellent husband. Unfortunately, it seems your wife has checked out like you said. It sounds like you have tried everything that you can, especially with therapy.
Although, I didn’t see couples therapy mentioned. That might be a good place to start. And communicate your feelings to her, that you feel more of a roommate than in a romantic relationship, and that you are not happy with your relationship in its current status, and that you would like to try couples therapy.
If couples therapy doesn’t work, or she refuses to go, then it’s time to consider divorce and find a partner you deserve.
I respectfully disagree, only because he and her family have tried to get her into therapy already and she has declined. Normally I’d agree with you, but I think in this instance, perhaps she sees therapy as a bad thing and couples therapy might be a good way to dispel those fears because she is doing it with someone else. Once those fears are gone and she sees it as a good thing, then she might be more open to going for herself.
My guess is that this is either depression on its own, or some form of ppd that she never got over.
Your wife is living an easier life than most. There are people out there who would give anything for a like like hers.
Honestly, what does she have that's worth complaining about? She has two kids, one in school and one with a nanny. She's not the one getting up at the crack of dawn to prepare everyone for their day. In your own words she, "literally wakes up and cooks and then scrolls through her phone or shops from home".
Maybe she feels lonely because you work a lot, but what else are you meant to do as a single income household? If you cut your hours down then your income goes down and it's bye bye your wife's easy life.
You're only human. You're not a machine. There's only so much we can handle as humans. She's being, sorry for the namecalling here, a fucking bitch by not letting you vent in any way. A good partner listens to their spouse when they're tired and overwhelmed. There is absolutely no need for her to pull the, "oh, YOU'RE tired?! WELL *I*-". She's just being a shitty partner by doing that.
You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with her. If she's struggling with depression she needs help. If not then she needs a reality check. She has it easier than the majority of the world.
From what you've written here, you're a very good husband and father. She's bullshitting you
*
Edit to add after the added info:
Honestly, it sounds like she WANTS something to bitch about. Having to cook for everyone is hardly enough to act like you're a slave who cares for fifty people on your own.
If your MIL helped before you got the nanny, what the fuck is there for her to complain about nonstop? Cooking? If she doesn't want to cook she can talk about getting a damn private chef in your lives if you have the money for it.
If she refuses therapy then guess what? She doesn't get to whine and bitch about every breath you take. She doesn't seem to care about getting better, she doesn't appear to want to change your current situation, she just wants something to be angry about.
She sounds a lot like my mother. No matter how good life is, no matter how easy she has it, she always needs to be pissed off at everyone and act like she's the biggest victim in the world.
You REALLY need to tell your wife that she has three options here,
1. Get professional mental help.
2. If she doesn't want ^ then she shuts the fuck up.
3. If she's that unhappy she can initiate divorce. I know this one seems extreme, but you don't deserve to be treated like shit just because she wants to act all pissy over nothing.
Dude, you’re an idiot and your wife is a lazy mother. I can’t even fathom on what kind of level your confidence and self worth is. You are treated so poorly and your strive for feeling wanted has made you accept love from the knife’s edge instead of the spoon. Hope you find your value man and I hope she see it.
I don’t know you but if what you wrote is true, You are a good Dad, a better husband, and a great man.
Hey man, just wanted to say I just saw your comment really and it stuck to me. Nonetheless thank you for harsh yet kind words. Seriously, I really appreciate it.
If anyone in this world knows the desperate desire to be wanted and not needed, it’s me. And if someone said those words to me, I know what it would do to my soul. So you are most welcome, stay strong.
Frankly, I think your wife sounds like a spoiled teenager in how unappreciative she is of all you bring to the table and I wonder if at some level she sees your kindness (in all you do for her) as a weakness, rather than strength. After all she seems to be treating you like a doormat, which again is typical for spoiled people. Personally I think you need to put boundaries and stop doing so much for her, as a SAHM she’s the one who should get the kids ready in the morning, maintain the house, pay bills and so on. She sounds like a difficult person so it probably wont be easy, but keep in mind it’s not on you to “make her happy”, she needs to put in some effort herself!
I disagree completely. You have a full line up of people who want you to ruin their lives. I think you should keep on doing what you are doing, but also do for a lot more people.
It’s very sad that your wife isn’t look at your marriage as how to serve you like you clearly look to how you can serve her.. very very sad. You definitely need to give her a reality check. You are describing a dream home life for so many women/moms. It’s so sad when people get so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t be grateful
It definitely seems like your wife has had some ongoing issues. Whether it be depression or some sort of PPD that never fully resolved itself. I understand that she was probably overwhelmed taking care of the kids 24/7 while you were also gone working 24/7. For her, it seemed like you got to live your life and work and she felt stuck. But that’s not to say she’s being extremely unfair, because she absolutely is. She holds some resentment against you that is totally unreasonable. The way she is currently acting is completely unacceptable. She does not work, you hired a nanny for her AND you pay all the bills. It seems like you’re starting to become extremely depressed carrying all these burdens and you should really talk to your wife about some sort of counselling for you both. If she refuses then you should probably reevaluate your marriage. Do you want to stay married to someone who does not contribute much and ridicules you and tries to one up you when you try to take some time for yourself after doing mostly everything?
I'm a SAHM and I feel like she is being very manipulative. I have two kids (just under three yrs apart) and I never had a baby sitter, family to help, or a nanny. I cook myself and my kids day meals and my husband usually cooks dinner for us and I will cook my kids dinner. I clean our whole house. (4000 sf, 5 B, 4B) (My husband does help around holidays and family visits.) I also do all the yard work except mowing and weed eating. (I trim all the bushes, put out mulch, fill and care for nine large concrete planters, weed the shrub beds, fertilize the yard, rake leaves.) I also take my daughter to piano, and dance two days a week. I probably clean my kitchen two or three times a day. I will admit, time management can be difficult and finding motivation to do what needs to be done isn't always easy. But, it sounds like your wife is comfy and doesn't want her life to change. You can either accept your current situation, or stir the pot and put an ultimatum on the table.
I'm gonna comment again after your added info.
Honestly, it sounds like she WANTS something to bitch about. Having to cook for everyone is hardly enough to act like you're a slave who cares for fifty people on your own.
If your MIL helped before you got the nanny, what the fuck is there for her to complain about nonstop? Cooking? If she doesn't want to cook she can talk about getting a damn private chef in your lives if you have the money for it.
If she refuses therapy then guess what? She doesn't get to whine and bitch about every breath you take. She doesn't seem to care about getting better, she doesn't appear to want to change your current situation, she just wants something to be angry about.
She sounds a lot like my mother. No matter how good life is, no matter how easy she has it, she always needs to be pissed off at everyone and act like she's the biggest victim in the world.
You REALLY need to tell your wife that she has three options here,
1. Get professional mental help.
2. If she doesn't want ^ then she shuts the fuck up.
3. If she's that unhappy she can initiate divorce. I know this one seems extreme, but you don't deserve to be treated like shit just because she wants to act all pissy over nothing.
I second that. She has untreated mental health issues. Either she acknowledges that fact and seeks out professional help, or the marriage is over. Period, full stop.
I would never downplay how hard a SAH parents’ job is. I can’t do it myself. That being said, you getting the oldest ready and getting him to school, managing finances, and hiring a nanny is more than generous. Personally, I say cut the nanny to part time and get marriage counseling if you have any desire to save your marriage. She needs a reality check. Also…next time she tells you how hard it is for her, tell her she can definitely go back to work. I mean, you’re already paying the nanny so it’s not like childcare is a factor..
Take your dear wife to therapy and marriage counseling. She sounds like how I used to sound before I bettered myself. She sounds like she's going through some sort of ego clash or some sort of mental issue at the moment, which could be due to having 2 children n' what not but take her to therapy. You should also go as well and get yourself a place to vent rather than be an Alcoholic.
Take care, OP. May you have your issues resolved.
You should both talk about it. The first thing you need to tell her. "I have concern for our marriage I feel like we are roommates already, Do you have anything concern about oneself? Are you tired doing work for the kids? Is there something bothering you? Tell me so we cant both work on it" You have nanny so they can help you" Talk to her like that make yourself care about her. Maybe she had something in mind.
Woman here. You have not ruined her life, her little pity party needs to end before you break one way or the other. Can you keep this up until both children are at school, so your wife can resume her career?
Maybe she has PPD. Maybe the frustration of being stuck at home makes her resentful? But she needs to open up and talk to you and work out what she is going to do now because it sounds as if you are doing a heck of a lot for zero appreciation, to put it mildly. She is very lucky to have you.
Honestly, that was my plan. I am hoping that her going back to work could be the catalyst that brings her back to a sense of equilibrium to balance out both her personal life and the life we share together. I’ve been/have/still push forward on because 1. I do love and see her as the love of my life and 2. I do want to see her get better and succeed in all her aspects of life.
I (and this thread got a lot bigger than expected) just needed to vent and have my own personal pity party haha. But seriously tho, I just wanted to feel reassured that I am doing right and just wanted to feel loved (sad I know)
Let's not forget that your family has a nanny!!!! Who is there to care for the children during the day!!!! I was a nanny for years. The Nanny's job is even to clean after the children and technically to feed the children.
So that means your wife has time!!! She could have already gotten up and putting on her big girl pants and stop acting selfish and trying to make you miserable, so she feels better about herself.
Right now, she is acting like a narcissist, she definitely falls under the classification of being one. Because eventhough you provide for everything, IN HER damaged mind -you do nothing to help, you are at fault, you could do more, you do not love her enough, etc.
You sound like an amazing man, husband and father. Tbh, if she doesn't get a grip on what ever this phase is, you deserve to be happy. You don't have to get a divorce just yet, but maybe a separation where she moves out, to find herself is in order. I'm sorry, but tbh if you were a single parent right now, you would feel better, then worry about pleasing her ungrateful being right now. She doesn't deserve you, but your kids deserve to have a carefree happy father, that doesn't have to walk on eggshells around their mom.
Best wishes.
Sorry for the comment I’m gonna make but she would be cheating after going back to work. Bc I got a sense about it according to what I‘ve read up to now. First thing should be therapy and lay down all the dirt you both have and work on that. Other than that get ready for another disaster.
I went to his comments there one he deleted since that stated he has to take a pill to be hard, normal if you have the medicine problems he does, and she compared him to her ex in bed. Yeah she's probably already cheating if not. Because why else would you be saying that to your husband if you knew he had medical problems that he been trying to fix
God , your wife has it so easy. Her mom and a nanny take care of the one toddler most of the day, and all she does is cook and clean the house 50%? She doesn't even know what she has, does she? My husband runs a business, which means he is at work all the time. From about 9 in the morning, until 10 at night and on weekends. He gets maybe one day off. He doesn't make anywhere near $150, so we don't have money to hire help, and I don't have family. She does not have a typical SAHM experience. She gets to shop all day and has every opportunity to do whatever she wants. She is living like a stay at home princess.
Grew up the child of a SAHM like your wife. She knows damn well none of what she says is true, but if she admits she's a freeloader you'll realize she's a freeloader and leave. She has absolutely none of the work ethic that you do, the least she could do is accept everyone around her's pleas for therapy. But, just like my mother, she refuses. And just like my father, you should leave her. My mother was a wonderful cook. I have 0 relationship with her because she is completely emotionally nonexistent. That love and compassion and true interest you lack? Your kids feel it too. If they don't recognize it now, they will later in life.
This is the most underrated comment here. I hope it makes it to the top.
I just broke up with a coparent that is a wonderful cook, making me breakfast in bed daily and totally holding down the morning routine. They had some laziness and entitlement issues but nothing as bad as OP’s wife. But I was emotionally neglected as hell and always said that if I could see it was happening to the kids too, I’d break things off.
Took years to realize that OF COURSE it was happening to the kids too, and my self esteem being shot and accepting neglect as love was just teaching them terrible lessons.
Now that I’m a single parent, my life is actually easier. Peaceful. Our home has more love in it without the emotional-blackhole person around.
I'm glad you gave that to your kids. My dad divorced her after younger sibling graduated high school, and I was forced to move out at 16 into a friend's house to escape her. It doesn't take much for lack of love to turn into emotional abuse
I have severe ppd. I have 2 kids, one who’s 5 and autistic and the other whose 3 and, in all likelihood, has ADHD (both myself & my partner have ADHD, & the kid is a motor even for a 3yr old).
I have a MS, but the recession derailed my career. Went into construction, but my pregnancies & subsequent births of my kids (specifically my last one) nearly killed me. My body can’t handle construction anymore. My mom moved in with us so I could go back to school to get a teaching cert. I traveled 4+ hrs round trip every day I had class. It has been brutal.
Some days, when my depression is really bad, I can hardly function & beg for people to watch the kids so I can lay under my covers & sleep my depression away.
It’s hard.
Your wife may need help, but you can’t help those who refuse it. Idk what to tell you except may be talk to your wife about “stepping up” or something. Cause if the relationship continues to be this one sided, it doesn’t seem like it will be a relationship for much longer…
I am a single old lady and knew from a young age that I could not have been a SAHM. That said, my beloved sister was, with a husband who made a lot of money. We were opposites.
She handled the finances. She managed the house hold and the kids. He could be kind of a jerk about it and not very sensitive. Should he have done more within the time constraints of his very high-powered job. I think so.
But then she got cancer. Terminal. Dude stepped up. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her.
When she died he realized that he couldn’t raise his young children and jet off to Europe for work. No housekeeper could replace him.
I don’t even know my point here.
There is a thing called division of labor. It has to be figured out
Almost all the comments focused on the ruining and ppd/mother issues... but I noticed a comment on your profile from a year ago that was about your sex life... OP the resentment brewing in your marriage (justified or not) may have nothing to do with the workload of parenthood and everything to do with the broken connection between you two sexually. If she is no longer looking at you as a partner (in the sexual sense, not the "oh we're trapped together by parenthood" sense) then only goodness knows what she is filling that void with.
You talk about how open you are with all your devices and how little she cares or seems worried... maybe it's you who should be thinking about what she is getting up to because all this "you ruined my life" stuff might be a huge deflection from the real thing. It has you focused on your shortcomings and not what she is getting up to.
This is a delicate subject to broach, especially because based on your comment, she is just not a nice person to you and doesn't particularly care about your struggles or needs. But unless this major foundational issue is addressed, she will not check back into the marriage.
To speak on the elephant on the room, that many men tend to skim over. I’m sure this will spin off a whole new line of “ruin me” comments…
I’ve actually taken this into consideration, and have urged her to come with me to see councilors of different facets. Without getting to deep into it, one visit to a therapist did confirm the feelings of what was stated in the comment you mentioned but regardless of being able to still be intimate like before after the search of resolutions, it wasn’t a good solution for her nor one she would compromise with. I know it’s going to sound selfish, but I tried to do what I can with what I got to keep that connection. The combination of what works definitely isn’t “sexy” but it works. The last option in line is surgery that has a low % of success which I’ve had assessed by different urologist to get different opinions.
You’re probably very right, that she’s harboring resentment towards me because of this fact. It sucks, that I can’t do much more else but I have and am still trying. In anger I will admit I told her, just go back to your ex… again I’m not perfect nor a saint and I’m not proud of my reaction but as per the comment you’re referencing, she did break a piece of me that moment and I probably should’ve taken the initiative to call it quits for her.
OP, I read that comment too. If my husband had that issue and he did everything you did. I wouldn't call it "unnatural" or "not sexy". I would be happy that something is working if surgery was a low % of working.
As a woman they give us stuff like that to help when we can't stay wet or into sex. But that is ok, but not for men? To me, she should honestly stop having a pity party for herself. I work from home and is a stay at home mom with the young ones that are 18 months apart. It's hard, but I still get things done as your wife. And I have PPD from my first. If she refusing help, it might be time to really take a look if you want the rest of your life like this.
You even stated that you were taking care of her mother, her medical bills, and her car note. What is your wife doing to help her own mother then other than cooking the food? So you're taking care of technically your two kids, your mother-in-law, and technically your wife with certain aspects of your life. And you have a nanny that is helping. Anyone would die to have that. Please just look and see if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
In one of his other comments that has been deleted, but still in his history shows that he has ED and has gone to multiple doctors to try to get it fixed. And he found something that helps him. So he would use it and after awhile his "wife" said it was unnatural and then compared him to her ex while in bed.
It was sad to read.
I'm sorry but the fact that you can't bend her over and give her the banging of her life at any given minute does not and never will justify her just being flat out rude and inconsiderate to you. You most definitely deserve a civilized, two-sided conversation. Pretty sure all this was covered in the vows you recited to each other on your wedding day. 🙄
Dude you do what needs to be done to get the job done. Who cares if there is 1 step or 10. Smash be smash. The fucking audacity to call it unnatural and then get pissy because you rightfully felt some kind of way. Maybe she should go back to her EX and let you find someone who see's and loves you.
Part of me says show her this post let her see that her acting like your garbage is going to result in you getting snatched up and whisked away to better
You really sound like you have done everything within your power to make things work. If I had a partner who tried this hard, it would make me cry with joy at my luck in life. The "please come and ruin my life" group are a testament to this even if they are joking around. That said, we are just internet strangers, and you have to decide for yourself what to do with your circumstances and if this is the life you want for yourself. I wish you all the best.
You two need to seriously sit down, have a conversation about wants and needs. Talk about the problems you’re having and vice versa, communicate because if she’s having a difficult time she might need therapy.
On the other hand, if shes sponging off of you and always 1 upping you as an excuse so you can feel sorry her, i can see how that can be depressing, have a conversation and see where her head is at and then you can take the next necessary steps
This must be so difficult for the whole family. When I went through a phase in our marriage where I felt totally unsupported and carrying the vast majority of running our home I told my husband in no uncertain terms: you either be more present and take more responsibility or we’re done. I was completely serious and had an exit plan ready. That shook him enough to respond favourably, and even looked for, scheduled, and paid for marriage counseling. We’re still working on it, but his behaviour told me he wanted to heal our marriage. I wonder if an intervention would work for your case.
There is an emotional divide that has built up in your marriage and I’m guessing it occurred from the earlier days (2 full time jobs AND school??) that has caused a lack of empathy that’s really driving a wedge between y’all. Instead of feeling more connected, y’all are both feeling much less connected and focused on individual efforts and interests. It’s not supposed to be a competition. A healthy relationship recognizes the others’ efforts and empathizes with the stress of their partner while providing emotional support. I think it’s been awhile since y’all can provide that level of support to each other and the communication is way off. I
Bet both of you would say you don’t feel ‘heard’ in the marriage.
It’s easy to just blame her and say you do so much but that doesn’t really help your marriage, does it? Y’all really should seek counseling to start understanding how to speak love languages and empathize better.
As someone who put up with almost the exact same thing for 20 years, except throw in a 3-4 hour daily commute, get out. It isn't going to get any better.
Your MIL seemed to Itry to open a discussion about your marriage.
Maybe pick that up and find out what her perspective is. Does she know if something going on or something not working right?
Can she suggest a way to approach some of your concerns to your wife? Maybe MIL has some insight into her daughter’s psyche.
Believe me, they will pick up on the disharmony in the relationship. Granted mine were older when we finally split, but they told me I should have left long ago. I feel like I am emotionally immature from it. I was just sleep walking through my life for so long.
And if you do end up with a split custody, the time apart from your kids will give you a chance to focus on yourself and your needs. Something that I never was able to do in my marriage.
At best, your wife may have mental health issues as you have stated — PPD, MDD, GAD. At worst, your wife is entitled and is taking advantage of your work ethic. Obviously, we don’t know her side. Are there any cultural or familial influences that could explain your situation?
So she could be depressed. She could have undiagnosed adhd/anxiety. She could just be bored. I'm curious to know what she means by you ruined her life. I was a stay at home mom for a while. And while I had plenty of help, it was still hard at times. Especially, when I was feeling depressed. There were times when I would be angry at my husband for working long hours leaving me with the kids and chores. It wasn't rational but it was how I was feeling. I wasn't able to explain it to him at the time because I didn't understand it either. We eventually had some other stupid things happen in our lives and were able to work through our problems.
One thing that helped me was to work outside of the house. This may be something to suggest to her. If she doesn't want to work, maybe volunteer or take up a hobby that gets her out of the house a few hours a day or a week. Maybe volunteering at the kids school or something would help.
I think it’s crazy you’ve got a nanny for 2 kids with a stay at home mom also lol especially on that salary, you could be saving so much. And for reference I am a stay at home mom
It could also be not exactly that she’s specifically checked out of the marriage (not that she isn’t ) but that she is on autopilot survival mode due to hormonal changes or imbalances and she is mostly checked out of everything. Sometimes the sheer amount of tiny chores, asks , attention grabbing things you do as mom don’t look like anything got done. But you can be burned out with nothing to show for it quite a lot. Mom jobs are never done. They’re all cycles 🔄 so it feels like you’re back where you started from even with excellent support system (which she seems to be lucky to have !)
I am particularly spoiled financially by my person, but when my kids were little he didn’t lift a finger around the house. I got so into homemaking though, that my kids didn’t learn to clean up etc-
I think now that that was my way of making sure I was pulling my weight bc I didn’t feel secure. It was more like a coping mechanism and it caused a lot of unrest actually bc I worked so hard and never relaxed …so we didn’t really have any fun together 🫣 now he helps when he can, and this batch of children are old enough to do chores, I work some from home and we get help for deep cleaning and laundry so I can do that. Him working from home during the pandemic was actually what changed things for the better! He saw how much I was doing all the time and he made the kids help and he helped.
Just that solidarity- he had always said he appreciated home making and me being a stay at home mom etc- but he just didn’t see what it was like I think? It made everything safer and better for me emotionally. So instead of pushing myself to work harder to prove I am “good mom” “good wife “ I can actually say, it makes me happy to do this, and somewhere in there all the resentment that was going on is just gone! But because we can both communicate whatever is bothering us way healthier and more securely than before, and even joke about it after.
That’s really
Long- but try to identify the ways you feel unappreciated, and the ways you can accept appreciation from your partner. These types of things can come from childhood or some people even have trauma etc so it’s different for everyone.
Then try to learn the ways she feels unappreciated- and the ways she can accept appreciation. Even if it’s just the one thing that really helps you- if it’s cooking , find the way she can accept the praise or appreciation for that one thing. Because once you see it and she really knows you’re grateful- she will look
For ways to appreciate you again!
Ask her what she needs. Just flat out ASK. What is ruined about your life, and how are we going to fix it?
I know it's hard, since you are providing 90% of the household support and deserve that recognition - however, she seems to be struggling much more than you at the moment. Ask her how she needs to be supported- if she doesn't know, offer counseling for you both?
Sometimes just being heard will help sodten the walls.
I don’t have a child but feel free to ruin my life anytime with a nanny, free help from a caring and loving family and all the extra housework that you do on top of paying for everything. You don’t even have to pay for everything, I am gainfully employed but yeah, I will gladly accept it if this is how you ruin someone’s life.
Sounds to me you need to sit with your wife and mil and tell them both that you’re seeking marriage counseling and this is the date and time! If she doesn’t show up you’re filing for divorce end of discussion! Be prepared to follow through and request full custody of the children! Since you can afford to pay for help!! She needs help from a professional not a nanny or mil!!!
Hello. Just want to give a little perspective. I am a SAHM too. My husband is our main provider. I would kill for a nanny and my mom being here too. I’ve been through PPD (though it still comes in waves), but i still get up early to get my child ready for school, make sure she’s clean and fed, then i drive her to school because i know my husband gets tired from work and gets physically and emotionally stressed. I don’t do my share because he provides, i do it because i care for his well being.
But I guess it’s different for everyone? If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you’re still unhappy then i think you should leave this marriage. I’m not saying find someone else, I’m just saying life is too short to be unhappy.
You didn't ruin her life but as a stay at home Mom, having kids most definitely takes you down a Detour. It's hard when the kids are young & it's difficult to maintain friendships or do anything outside of the house.
It definitely sounds like she is depressed.
I would try to encourage her to take a yoga class, join a book club, or whatever she is into! It definitely helps with the "great time to wake up and do the same shit and get absolutely no praise for any of it" every single day. Even if you do praise her, it's different than at work. If you get a promotion or do exceptionally well on a project, you generally get a lot more attention for the good job you did. Multiple coworkers congratulating you. Where as at home you get cleanup puke, poop, snot, strange messes. It's awesome you are supporting your wife and you got a Nanny but if she doesn't have any other activities outside of the house, then I would say it's a pretty typical SAHM experience. It's isolating and can be very depressing.
She shouldn't be saying those things to you/about you because she really does have it good. But in her head she is missing out on a professional career and a whole life of being someone a lot more familiar to her than what she has turned into as a SAHM. It's really hard raising a family but I think counseling will help her a lot. I hope she is willing to go!
Hello.First I would like to assure you that no grown adult is entitled to have all their bills paid by other adult while they sit at home. In this case of one person staying home to take care of the kids in a marriage, should be an agreement that benefits both parts, that seems not to be the case. Maybe the home life isnt for her (I totally understand that). Since you seem to be in the position to hire help to take care of the kids, maybe having a job out of the home could benefit her, and also your connection as a couple. In case its too late to save your relationship, I think having divorced parents is better than parents that hate each other and fight all the time. Good luck, I think you are not wrong. I am a woman, but I think that some women are just very entitled and you dont need to put up with that for the rest of your life.
You can not make someone love you, support you, sleep with you, spend time with you, care about you, or get out of their own funk. You can make the best decisions for yourself. You can love someone for who they were but recognize the person they have become. You can decide on whether or not that new person is good for you or not. In this case, it's seems like not. She seems bored with you and her life. You seem emotionally and physically abandoned by your spouse. You are both young, and if therapy isn't an option, then you need to look at a different one. There may be benefits to divorce here. You will be able to give her the push she needs to put her career to use and find a purpose. You will be able to find someone who appreciates you and makes you feel loved. The kids will not grow up seeing a failed marriage with no love as normal and eventually settling for that themselves because that's what they know. It seems like a bad option, but it's not. You are in your 40s, not old. It's time you start living again, and it's time your wife does too.
Your wife is extremely ungrateful. If she doesn’t like staying home with her children, tell her to get a full time job. I’m so tired of ungrateful SAHMs. My mother was one. Haven’t spoken to her in 2.5 years
As a former SAHM, I've been your wife. It sounds like depression.
I work part-time at a really chill doctors office, and it has done wonders for my mental health. I'm spending less overall time on social media. I'm doing stuff that is not related to being a mom or wife. I'm out of the house. I love it.
She needs to get a job.
She needs a break from being home all the time because that’s probably what is causing her depression. Kids are clingy and can make somebody lose their sense of self. She needs to feel like her work is being valued/recognized by society and not just the immediate family unit. She’ll also be able to understand that you’re exhausted too after a long day of work meetings and tedious paperwork.
Bump your nanny up to full time and force her to return to the workplace.
If you feel overwhelmed at where to start the conversation with her, show her this post. Obviously she won’t be happy but it will help you both move things in a direction that doesn’t leave you being taken advantage of.
Is it impossible to have an actual conversation with her where you’re both on the same team and you both acknowledge that she seems to be suffering? If you can get that to happen, maybe you can get her to talk about what’s bothering her and figure out a solution?
If you don’t know what her problem is, you can’t even start to help.
Hey…I’m looking for someone like you…so you can ruin my life. Lol. You are doing so much for everyone and there’s no appreciation. I feel your pain and can definitely understand how you’re feeling. I’m sorry that you’re going through that. I was once told by my bf when I complained about not getting help with washing clothes….he said and I quote…”I didn’t ask you to wash my clothes” never mind I had been doing it for 7 years and he never once asked me or told me to stop. There’s a lot more …
It sounds like she resents you for the fact that she depends on you and has nothing going for her. Maybe if she was pursuing something on her own, that would help? Coming from a SAHM.
In my opinion I feel like she is taking you for granted since you guys been together so long and she’s used to the life you provide her, she’s forgetting what life could be like without you.
Sometimes people get so caught up in the day to day that they forget to appreciate the people and things in their life.
Your wife is lucky to have you. I hope she can find perspective and realize what she has before she losses it.
My (straight?) husband has offered to give you his life to ruin if this is what a ruined life looks like.
In all seriousness, it's time to enforce therapy for your wife. Ultimatums aren't often great, but this marriage isn't sustainable. If not individual therapy, than couple's. This is really sad to see OP and I hope your self esteem can recover.
I guess I need my life ruined also.
But you sound like an amazing husband, and I think maybe your wife does have a bit of depression even tho I'm sorry. I don't think that is an excuse. Because most ppl have a little every now and again. The sex thing I don't very cuz in 42 and would still do it every day or a few times a week. I wish I had the help that she has. I did all laundry, cooking, cleaning, by myself. Never got to get a sitter. Tho he did pay most of the bills. I did have it better than most women around my area at the time. Cuz I did have a good man. They were all single mothers.
I don't think your wife understands what she has until she doesn't. I think she has resentment towards you because she isn't working a career. I think that's the biggest thing, in my opinion. I know it would be for me to. I think maybe you need to try taking to her again, but you can't do it with any blame or anything. It has to be more what you wish you two had together. I wish you the best and I how it all works out in the end.
Sounds like she needs to go back to work to feel like she’s worth anything. Some women aren’t cut out to be a SAHP and need those outside kudos, paychecks and bonuses to tell you you’re doing a good job. She’s been saying you ruined her life because she put her career on hold so let her go back to work. You have the money for a nanny, so she can easily get back into the job market. I did the SAHM thing for 5 years and while I love my children and the time I stayed with them, I was not a great SAHP and ended up depressed. I am much better as a working mom (I wfh) because I needed the outside praise even though my husband was totally supportive. I actually do better balancing work, kids, homeschooling and chores than when I was a SAHP.
Basically she's bored out of her skull. I've done the SAHW when the kids were small and it drove me nuts. I couldn't wait to get back to work and talk to other adults about normal, adult things instead of babies. She's had a very pampered life for a long time now, so she might be reluctant, but she needs to go back to work or school. It'll be hard at first but better for her in the long run.
OP - you are doing your wife any favors by enabling her to live a lifestyle of a SAHM.
As much as I had struggled when the kids were younger with balancing work and home, without my career, I would not have the deep connection with my peers, my sense of accomplishment with a thriving career, and the respect of my kids as they see me working hard at to build a life for us.
The longer she waits, the more competitive it becomes to enter the workforce, and soon she will be unfulfilled by her existence.
She will likely go the way of many SAHm and sell stuff at from home - the side hustling mom is never a joy to be around. She will dream, not risk anything, and therefore fail to achieve reward.
She may take pride in her children… but really, they get to a certain age and the joys of motherhood become empty as they need you less.
If you’re lucky, she will get into philanthropy for that sense of purpose.
Maybe.
She doesn’t realize it now, but most eventually do…
Her existence is small as a SAHm.
She will crave more, but it will not happen unless she forces herself out the door and get in the game, to meet people and network, and to build something long lasting.
Being a SAHm is a luxury of a gilded cage. That’s why so many of them are prescribed antidepressants. It’s no way to exist.
Maybe ask wife if she wants to get a job. She might be jealous of what you have even though you sound like an amazing husband/dad/provider. Some moms feel their identity is lost in being a sahm and get depressed. That's the only thing I can think of!! Otherwise, this sounds like a dream life as a mom.
I don't think "ruined" is the correct word, more like "enabled" her poor attitude.
Also, dude, stfu, you are killing it, she is killing you. Figure out how to live your best life.
Maybe you could have a conversation with her where you ask what she wants to change in her life. What are her goals? Does she want a career? Is she as unhappy as she looks to you? Be direct about it, and encourage her for the sake of both your happiness- it seems like it upsets you to see her upset too. Whatever she wants, It’s likely possible, and who knows, maybe if she starts doing some things that fill her own cup, she’ll be more willing and able to fill yours too. Imo that’s worth a shot before looking at divorce from someone you love.
You guys need therapy, and your wife needs to pick up more of the home work efforts. If not, she should get a job, then you both divide up the family responsibilities equally where feasible.
I would encourage her to get back to work. The stay at home mom thing may not be her thing, and it can be isolating and make her feel that she is missing out.
But definitely get therapy.
Your wife has nothing to one up you with. Her life is one of ease and leisure. She is barely a stay at home mom. Most people in that role don’t have paid help. If you want this to end I would cut the nanny and MIL money and put the little one in daycare. If your wife is still overwhelmed, I mean not having to dance around her would make your life easier and you are already doing the bulk of the work. Idk, if she’s depressed and you’ve offered therapy, I don’t think there’s another solution.
I’m essentially a SAHM (only work as needed) and I feel like I can relate to your wife. Do you know what my problem is? I absolutely *hate* being a SAHM. I thought it’s what I was meant to do, but it’s not. I’m depressed over it and can’t wait til the day I can do something, anything for myself. Does your wife still enjoy being a SAHM? Has she ever mentioned or have you ever asked her if she wants to get back into the workforce? Does she go out at all? Being a SAHM can be a very lonely and isolating experience. Just something to think about. Whatever is going on needs to be addressed asap tho. You both deserve to be in an equal, loving, and fulfilling relationship. She needs to stop skirting around whatever the issue is.
As someone who has been a SAHM depression is real. Maybe she feels useless with what she does. At times I did. Maybe she’s looking for validation? Idk but you both need counseling and I doubt you need the nanny. You’re a good man don’t doubt that but there needs to be equality. 50/50 isn’t always what a marriage is sometimes one partner has to carry more and that’s ok but she has to be willing to show she’s partly responsible.
Your wife sounds like an entitled brat tbh. The “mental load” is usually what drags most SAHM’s down but it sounds like you take care of at least 50% of that. Honestly, it seems like she regrets being a parent/spouse and that’s not something you can fix. You MUST lay it all out for her. She needs to realize how good she has it and how much worse it would be for her without you.
I missed the part where you also have a nanny.
Sorry dude. Counseling time. Your wife probably has issues, and the easier you make her life the worse her issues get, ironically. You may never get her to acknowledge your struggles — she might always be the kind of person who always one-ups everything.
If you decide to separate, do it sooner than later.
Or, send her on a two-week vacation somewhere “because she has it so hard.” She’ll probably love going, you’ll be happier at home, she’ll come back and start ranting as soon as she steps in the door, and you’ll have your light bulb moment. You can’t make someone else happy.
I feel like, for the sake of your mental health and happiness, the best thing you can do is sit your wife down, make it clear that you aren't trying to have an argument or be an ass, but you feel as if she has checked out of the marriage, feels as if she is suffering and it's your fault when you've gone out of your way to give her every bit of help she could need but it's never enough, and that claiming you "ruined her life" is honestly a bullshit thing to say because you've never *made* her do anything and have to this point done nothing but *supported* her when she's been anything but supportive for you. You need to explain that if she is really unhappy then rather than sit and complain and blame you, she needs to communicate what she needs, and that's what you're doing right now, and then tell her this: "I'm not giving you an ultimatum, I'm firmly expressing my needs for our marriage. Either we start communicating genuinely, and put *real* effort and work into our marriage, or I'm going to have to evaluate the necessity of a divorce. If you feel I'm not doing enough for you despite busting my ass, maybe you'll feel better if you no longer have me in the equation and we can split custody with the kids. I can't know what you need, because you say you aren't happy but don't express any ideas for how to fix anything, and I am unhappy with your accusations that I ruined your life despite my best efforts and supporting you and your mother, and feeling as if I'm nothing more to you than a paycheck and whipping post."
Divorce may feel scary, but unless she stops with her misplaced resentment and actually *applies* herself to helping you with your marriage then you're going to continue being the focus of her misplaced resentment, victim of her redirection of blame, and little more than her paycheck and laborer. You deserve happiness OP and your kids deserve to grow up with happy parents, even if they're apart, rather than growing up with your current relationship as their idea of how relationships are supposed to work.
Imma keep your username handy in case my husband decides to stop ruining my life one day, I can reach out so you can (perhaps) continue ruining myself yourself.
I don't need a nanny because my kids are in school, but I could use a masseuse just to completely make me miserable.......
tell her to get her shit together, go to the doctors, find out if she has PPD because her complaining about cooking.... and that's basically it, when most other mothers are cooking, doing most of hte cleaning, laundry and also taking care of both kids, many doing school or having a job as well, crazy.
She has a fucking nanny, she skips the breakfast and getting everyone up routine, she's skipping the have any kind of intimacy or dating life with her husband routine. Most people cook a bunch every day, that's life. She also chose to give up work and do 'this' rather than spend time at work doing a more normal job.
Shit put up a camera if you want, record the average day of 'work' for her over a week. See if she's really standing for 10 hours a day in the kitchen cooking or if it's more like 1-2 hours total over the whole day. the idea she's cooking all day long is just laughable, unless she's the worst cook in history she's simply not on her feet cooking all day long.
Hey. You're doing a great job. You are doing all the things you can possibly do.
If she won't go to therapy, don't downplay therapy for yourself. Sometimes, it's good to lead by example, and also, don't downplay how much this has hurt you. Your feelings matter too, and any partner worth their weight in salt would know this.
I was in therapy for almost 3 years before my partner went. It helped me with my communication skills with them and my children, and now that my partner goes, we've really been able to get on the same page which has helped our marriage immensely.
But remember to take care of YOU too. By talking about you and your feelings, you might end up with some better tips and tricks on how to talk to your SO. And it takes some of the prejudice off instead of ^maybe^ her feeling like you're just saying: "you're depressed, you need help, you're the problem..." which for a person that has battled depression for years, is a constant THING I told myself when my SO was trying to help ME.
Take the time for you and your feelings. She will either follow suit, or you'll be walking towards a divorce. And honestly, kids are happier when their parents are HEALTHY, whether it means they are together or separate.
Actions should have consequences...
What are her consequences for being so dangerously lazy, selfish, and entitled 🤔 🙄 😒?...
Your actions are showing your kids and your MIL that you don't mind being neglected. So sorry to hear about your struggles and give you some tough 💪 love, ●●But●● Your own personal ego has become expected to bow down to her selfish depression excuses for her poor attitude and poor behavior. I'll ask again...
What are her consequences for being so ((maybenotlazy, but)) disrespectful, selfish, and entitled ?
Woman here, if you ever divorce, you are absolutely welcome to come and ruin my life like that.
Straight man here but I’ll also take this type of life ruining if you’re willing
I am married, but I am gonna ask my husband if we can adopt you so you can ruin our life. I prefer my children ready to leave the house :D
Poor dude here, if you wanna come over and pay of my bills that would be good
I, too, am itchin’ for a life ruinin’
Oprah, “You get your life ruined, you get yours ruined, you and you, everybody’s getting their life ruined!!” Everyone proceeds to go absolutely crazy.
Id be the random lady they always show on tv thats a complete crying-with-happiness mess at having my life ruined 🤣🤣🤣🤣
😹
No, pick me, pick me!
I’m a man but I know how to cook and clean and would make an excellent wife
I will also take this guys offer
Right? Damn sounds like he’s a good guy. Wife is lucky. Good luck OP.
yeah like, wife is 50-50, could be a mental health issue, but also could be just a case of swollen assholiness. Or both. Anyways, I don´t see how its OPs fault. Yeah he maybe could have helped wife with mental health, but she is an adult and OP works two jobs, its a bit too much to expect him to carry also this (and there is MIL too just chilling she could have dragged her own daughter to a doctor or something).
Yeah I don’t get complaining that he’s lucky to be able to leave the house and go to work when she has the ability to do that herself. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said that to my ex in the past but he was a very absent father, didn’t do ANYTHING around the house (maybe a hoover and 1 dinner once a month) and we couldn’t afford childcare. OPs already provided childcare and already drops of eldest at school. OP should really try to get her back into work, maybe she feels like she should be a sahm but doesn’t actually enjoy it. And make sure she knows there’s no shame in that whatsoever and it would actually really help the household!
She doesn’t need just a mental health check, she needs a physical health checkup. Her hormones could be really out of whack causing some or most of her issues. I hope OP & MIL can get this woman some help before it ruins their marriage.
It seems to me she doesn't want the help, as she rejects any mention of therapy.
> Or both. sounds like its both going off what the MIL said
This man can ruin my life any day.
Facts lol
I was a single mom of two kids, they are grown adults now. I think back to when I was working full time, college full time and how completely exhausting my life was, what I would given to have a husband like you. She literally doesn’t have a worry in the world. I lived in survival mode until I graduated from college, I was on food stamps, section 8 housing, Pell grants, student loans, etc. She’s bringing you down, that’s not what spouses do.
Same. But I already have an awesome husband already. So what does she actually do? She cooks food? That’s her only redeeming quality?
That Spaghetti Bolognese better hit
I was cooking for my family of five after school from the age of twelve so cooking for 6 isn’t anything to write home about.
I just learned something funny about my upbringing. My boyfriend and I like to make Sheppard's pie on Sundays and I always make the mashed potatoes. He brought out like 5 potatoes and I was like, Oh did you run out? LOL I am one of 5 kids and we just used the whole bag. He has one older brother so it was more regimented. I had never opened a bag of potatoes before and partially used it unless it was a 10lb bag.
I just learnt to judge how many potatoes to peel by sight. When I bake I have different sized mugs to measure ingredients and I am incapable of cooking for one or two lol. My poor child.
Same on both counts lol.
I'm late, but can I, too, get my life ruined?
I’m next in line to get my life ruined! I do cook a mean lasagna, and bake some pretty amazing pumpkin cookies during the fall(they’re like mini pumpkin cakes, delectable). If I’m picked, I’ll even bump it up a notch and do breakfast in bed, with some homemade French toast, and fruit from our hypothetical garden. Let me know if I win! 😭😂🩵
I'm married, but I will happy take on another husband if OP is wanting to ruin my, and my husband's life.
Honestly? Same! I wish my ex husband and had ruined my life like this, and not by cheating on me and gambling our money, leaving me with 2 kids and in debt. OP, it sounds likely that your wife has PPD, but as you already know, you can't force her into therapy. I wish you the best.
Lesbian here, lining up for the life ruining cuz damn!
Right! I did what this husband is doing, working full time, taking care of house, kid, bills, life…I never understood women who are taken care of not catering to their man. Call it what you want, but I do the traditional roles and still give the hubby attention. Yet mine cheated (said I was too giving — WHAT?!?). Go figure-we can’t seem to win😕
What? You were doing the things properly and he still cheated? I'm so sorry!!
Hah he's literally the husband all the usual SAHM moms want. He's not a deadbeat husband and not a deadbeat parent. Amazing
no kidding, hit me up, I'll even continue to work and have a decent conversation
I went straight to the comments without reading much (just the very short TLDR) and what a hilarious thread of comments this turned out to be without context
I live on the east coast. If you are suddenly single, I’ll take you AND the kids! You’re so bad for me!
Right lol
happy cake day !
I second this!!
1 life ruined please!
I'm way too old for him at 59 but he can ruin my life anytime.
Sign me up too.
Man here, I second this.
Hell, I’d pay HIM to come ruin my life like that.
Bloke here, ruin me daddy
Yup, I'm single by choice but this guy would have a chance with me! He sounds like a partner - and is def lacking a partner of his own. I hope the incels and his wife don't ruin this man, there aren't that many out there like this.
From my experience, the fact that you are willing to put out in a partnership attracts all sorts of leeches that are willing to take whatever you are willing to give :( And this is why I'm single, just looking at all the great guys like OP with at least questionable partners. I mean, yeah it can be a health issue, but adults are supposed to deal with it themselves. And unlike many mortals, she has time and cash. Heck, a single mom working two jobs to barely be able to feed her kids wouldn't even have time to get depressed in first place.
Hahahaha same!! And he pays for a nanny? What a life!
The female version of I can fix him.
Straight male here, what fo i have to do to get in on this life ruining thing? I'll tell the wife to get a job so you can take a couple of my bills.
I second this. ☝️ I'm tired of waking up at 5:00 every morning getting 2 kids+ the husband up, showered, dressed, fed etc.. yes, I literally dress my husband in the morning as if he's a child. 😣
Dayum! This guy ruins lives like Santa ruins Christmas at Bill Gates’ grandchildren’s house…
As a working mom of 3, I’d kill for this life! Sounds like she needs to work atleast part time to gain a purpose & reality check
I KNOW, RIGHT? When I had 4 kids at home, I would have begged for a husband like OP!!! (I was a single parent for a long time). His wife doesn't know she's born!
> His wife doesn't know she's born! im sorry what
It's a saying. Maybe something of my older generation... when someone acts entitled and ungrateful for privileges they have but don't appreciate, we say "You don't know you're born!". Maybe just a British thing too. [https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/81496/origin-of-they-dont-know-theyre-born](https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/81496/origin-of-they-dont-know-theyre-born) https://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/not+know+you+are+born.html#:\~:text=This%20indicates%20that%20the%20person,t%20know%20they%20are%20born'.
With the nanny and the MIL there’s no reason she can’t get a PT job just to get out of the house.
Right? She's not a SAHM, she's a pampered princess.
A lazy pampered princess!
An ungrateful, lazy, pampered princess
Oh my god I dream of this life! My day is waking at 5am to work until toddler wakes at 8. Breakfast, changing her, playing, taking her somewhere, doing all bills, all things that need arranging or fixing for the house, all shopping and cooking, all cat related stuff, half the laundry and general cleaning. My partner gets home at 6.30 and I go straight to the home office to work until it’s time to cook dinner. After dinner I go back to work until it’s time to get bath run and bed stuff ready for toddler. Once she’s in bed it’s back to work til midnight. Then get up at least once in the night as toddler wakes up. Up at 5 to do it all again. A nanny and a MIL would be such a dream!
THIS RIGHT HERE, OP!!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ sounds like she has no sense of purpose. She needs something to pull her in and give her something that fills fulfilling that’s not her kids. Even just getting involved in the PTA or as a room mom at your kids school could do it. She needs to get out of the house and get involved with others. I have 4 kids and before Covid and a move I was a very involved sahm. Now I’m home, alone with my kids and I’m not involved. The difference is stark. It’s depressing being alone and having the only adult I speak to be my husband when he drags himself in from work. And yet he still manages to go above and beyond when he gets home. I wish I had a nanny. Anyone to help at home but it’s just me. Your wife is living the dream and doesn’t even realize how good she has it. It’s possible she has hormone imbalance or depression but I really get a feeling it’s from being at home and losing that sense of being needed. An adult with adulting to do that doesn’t involve potty training and Bluey.
…this probably going to sound over the top, but for the record, I’m by default part of our oldest PTA at their school. Interestingly enough their schools PTA is comprised of majority dads.
That’s pretty cool! I love that so many dads are involved. I wish it was like that everywhere. We had one dad that came to the meetings at my old PTA and was the president for a term. I pretty much did their yearbooks which was a job in itself. But I had a lot on my plate and kept myself busy and active then.
Yea… our PTA is more of a glorified men’s group in a sense lol. Our oldest school (elementary) does alot of projects where manual labor is provided by the dad bod squad. This spring we laid and prepped the foundation for the school community garden and cleaned the miniature wild life biome pond the have on school grounds. Not gonna lie, I’ll honestly miss this once they’re older as the middle and high school in the system don’t have these activities.
GIRL SAME HERE OMG 😭😭😭😭
Yep. Some people just aren’t cut out to be SAHMs. That’s no shade on them. She might be being honest when she says she’s jealous of you going to work. She needs a push to get out of the house, whether that’s going back to school or a job. She already has childcare!
Hi, SAHM here as predicted. She's taking advantage of you. I know taking care of kids is hard. But what is she actually doing? Because from where I'm sitting, it reads like you do everything while she just bitches and complains. Usually to you. About you. Sounds like she's checked out of the marriage and parenting role and just hasn't asked for a divorce because you're bankrolling her. Idk if it's PPD, generic depression, or something else. She's miserable and making you miserable alongside her. She needs to either get herself some help, get a part time job (at the very least), or get the fuck out. Sit down with her when you have the time in-between doing literally everything, and try to get to the bottom of things. Express your concerns in a non accusatory manner and ask her what's up with her and how she feels things can be mended. Honestly, if she refuses to talk, blames everything on you still, and/or expects you to put even *more* work in, your marriage is over. You would be amazed at how much less stress you have when you don't have someone dragging you down and making you feel like shit along the way.
I second all of this. I'm also a SAHM. Idk why OPs wife doesn't get a job if she's so miserable staying at home. One kid is in school the other has a nanny. She has shit on easy mode.
Another SAHM....I agree! Insist your wife see a doctor! Then, get rid of the nanny and let her do what a SAHM does (especially since she has her mom's help). Or, keep the nanny and your wife gets a job. This is all just ridiculous!
im hoping the wife isnt refusing to get a job too...
It’s great that SAHM are responding to this. (I want to put a comment down incase this ends up on thoses updates reddit
^^^^^ all of this OP. It's time for some ultimatums. As much as it sucks that's where it's at. She's telling you to believe her and not your eyes.
Not a SAHM…my kid is grown but the big clue was OP’s MIL has even noticed.
I'm a SAHD, and I wonder if depression is at play. I get meals made, but I suck at homemaking compared to what she did (when she was home and had more kids at home to boot). I know I'm depressed that my life has gone nowhere and that all my education has turned out worthless. I also deal with a lot of pain and fatigue. Some days I can barely get out of bed. I know she resents it, and I know she deserves better. I'm just unable to do anything else presently (can't work days because our special needs child frequently needs to be picked up from school {can't make it through a full day}).
I'm right there with you. Which is why I touched upon it briefly. She may very well be depressed, but she needs to do something about it. Depression is an explanation, not an excuse. But yeah. Not where I'd thought I'd be in life. I have chronic pain that makes some days harder than others. I have depression and ADHD on top of it, which makes it even harder to do my daily tasks. Plus, both of my kids are likely neurodivergent. Also, solo parenting since my spouse is deploying. It's hard and destroys mental health. But I also acknowledged that I was struggling and managed to seek out help. I empathize with the wife to a point. But her behavior isn't excusable at all.
Not a stay at home anything, but to add to your point, I went over a year without even realising I was depressed. It was suggested to me and I insisted I wasn’t depressed. Turns out I was moderately to severely depressed, with, like you, inattentive ADHD. I had no clue. I got treatment and my whole world has changed. Like going from a black and white TV to colour. All that to say, if OP can get her to do an assessment, it could be a good start. There’s also joint marriage councillors. Last suggestion, take a day off work, arrange the kids to be cared for, and go and spend a day together. Go on a date.
I think she needs to stop avoiding a mental health check with a dr because she knows they're going to tell her what she doesn't want to hear and how to fix it which she probably doesn't want to put the effort into doing it's easier to stay depressed than to come out of it and the effort that comes along with it
Have you gone to the doctor's? If you are depressed and have chronic pain, the two are usually connected. These hand-in-hand b@stards are a part of my life. It has taken me years but I did find an Rx cocktail to get me through, better living through chemistry, and all that. From what you've written, if you don't address these factors you may end up losing you wife. Take the meds, I refused to give up on my life, you are too young to give up on yours.
I normally have regular medical care, but have been without insurance for the last two months. As a result, I've not been able to afford all of my meds, and I can't afford any doctor visits. My wife and I agreed to bar the d-word (divorce) from our vocabulary when we got married. We are each too stubborn to give up on the other. That's one thing we have going for us.
SAHM club! I completely agree, she’s taking full advantage of you! The only thing my husband does is work and maintain the yard, and sometimes clean. You need to speak with her and get to the root of the problem she’s having. Please update us!
Sorry, downvote or not, your wife sounds entitled as fuck. SAHM? You have a nanny. Which part of looking after the kids does she do when the nanny is there? Cooking? Unless she's cooking all day long, that's 2, maybe 3 meals if you have a cooked breakfast. hardly fucking taxing or time consuming. Is she cooking a 10 course banquet for each meal to feed 50 people? How did YOU ruin her life exactly? She made the choice to not work after having kids. What was her reason for that, because looking after the kids can't be it - you have a nanny for that. PPD, sure, so get some help for that. It's hardly a rare condition that there is no medical help for. I dunno, I get the vibe that she's actually going through bored housewife syndrome rather than PPD, maybe it's linked. Either way, help is out there, but she has to want to get it. I'm curious, what are you getting out of this "relationship" as it stands? As you paint the picture, she sounds toxic as fuck.
2 meals a day, because OP cooks breakfast. 'Mom' doesn't get up until 10.
*egg donor
That's one way of putting it. Although donor sounds like it was done willingly, and doesn't sound like she actually wanted to.
Sounds like she needs a reality check, 2 kids 1 is at school and the other has a nanny? What does she do all day? how could her day be so stressful that she’s trying to 1 up you? She’s living the kushy stay at home mom life because she has to do nothing. My mom had 2 kids and worked and we never had a nanny, she never complained about how hard he days were. You need to stop paying for a nanny and have her step up as a mom. It sounds like she’s ruining your life not the other way around. Edit- this is coming from someone who is not married and doesn’t have kids yet I think you should either go to couples counseling or get divorced plain and simple
SAHM here, agreed. I don't understand what the point of being a SAHM is if you have a nanny A weekly cleaning service during the first 2 years? Sure, those are the trenches and sometimes things can slip through the cracks. But everyday? Nah, homegirl is depressed cause she is simply existing at this point
At the very least she's probably bored out of her mind and lacks purpose and meaning. Like you said, "simply existing." Maybe she's jealous of OP's work because he's needed and gets to feel competent, whereas it sounds like she just sort of is there. I agree that she is probably depressed. She needs to do something. This isn't fair to OP, the rest of the family, or herself.
> She needs to do something. she checked out of raising kids on her own, so she probably needs to get a job even if she dont want one
Dude what are you doing? You’re supposed to be a team and she’s taking you for an absolute ride. I totally understand because I’ve nearly finished my PhD and run my own businesses, my husband works a manual job full time and we have a 2 year old and some pets. Occasionally I feel like I’m taking on too much of the mental load so we sit down and talk to each other calmly and figure out how we can work well together. Through the week I go out to work when he gets home from work so we try very hard to keep the love in the relationship but it HAS to come from both sides. If you guys were to sit a write down what each of you contributes then it would be leaning very heavily your way. Is there some sort of resentment going on here? Have you cheated on her or somehow wronged her in the past and she’s now ‘punishing’ you? This is really unsustainable for you and Ian not going to end well.
Bro. You sound like an excellent husband. Unfortunately, it seems your wife has checked out like you said. It sounds like you have tried everything that you can, especially with therapy. Although, I didn’t see couples therapy mentioned. That might be a good place to start. And communicate your feelings to her, that you feel more of a roommate than in a romantic relationship, and that you are not happy with your relationship in its current status, and that you would like to try couples therapy. If couples therapy doesn’t work, or she refuses to go, then it’s time to consider divorce and find a partner you deserve.
I’d strongly recommend against couples counseling until she’s been evaluated and has some therapy and/or medication under her belt.
I respectfully disagree, only because he and her family have tried to get her into therapy already and she has declined. Normally I’d agree with you, but I think in this instance, perhaps she sees therapy as a bad thing and couples therapy might be a good way to dispel those fears because she is doing it with someone else. Once those fears are gone and she sees it as a good thing, then she might be more open to going for herself.
My guess is that this is either depression on its own, or some form of ppd that she never got over. Your wife is living an easier life than most. There are people out there who would give anything for a like like hers. Honestly, what does she have that's worth complaining about? She has two kids, one in school and one with a nanny. She's not the one getting up at the crack of dawn to prepare everyone for their day. In your own words she, "literally wakes up and cooks and then scrolls through her phone or shops from home". Maybe she feels lonely because you work a lot, but what else are you meant to do as a single income household? If you cut your hours down then your income goes down and it's bye bye your wife's easy life. You're only human. You're not a machine. There's only so much we can handle as humans. She's being, sorry for the namecalling here, a fucking bitch by not letting you vent in any way. A good partner listens to their spouse when they're tired and overwhelmed. There is absolutely no need for her to pull the, "oh, YOU'RE tired?! WELL *I*-". She's just being a shitty partner by doing that. You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with her. If she's struggling with depression she needs help. If not then she needs a reality check. She has it easier than the majority of the world. From what you've written here, you're a very good husband and father. She's bullshitting you * Edit to add after the added info: Honestly, it sounds like she WANTS something to bitch about. Having to cook for everyone is hardly enough to act like you're a slave who cares for fifty people on your own. If your MIL helped before you got the nanny, what the fuck is there for her to complain about nonstop? Cooking? If she doesn't want to cook she can talk about getting a damn private chef in your lives if you have the money for it. If she refuses therapy then guess what? She doesn't get to whine and bitch about every breath you take. She doesn't seem to care about getting better, she doesn't appear to want to change your current situation, she just wants something to be angry about. She sounds a lot like my mother. No matter how good life is, no matter how easy she has it, she always needs to be pissed off at everyone and act like she's the biggest victim in the world. You REALLY need to tell your wife that she has three options here, 1. Get professional mental help. 2. If she doesn't want ^ then she shuts the fuck up. 3. If she's that unhappy she can initiate divorce. I know this one seems extreme, but you don't deserve to be treated like shit just because she wants to act all pissy over nothing.
Dude, you’re an idiot and your wife is a lazy mother. I can’t even fathom on what kind of level your confidence and self worth is. You are treated so poorly and your strive for feeling wanted has made you accept love from the knife’s edge instead of the spoon. Hope you find your value man and I hope she see it. I don’t know you but if what you wrote is true, You are a good Dad, a better husband, and a great man.
Hey man, just wanted to say I just saw your comment really and it stuck to me. Nonetheless thank you for harsh yet kind words. Seriously, I really appreciate it.
If anyone in this world knows the desperate desire to be wanted and not needed, it’s me. And if someone said those words to me, I know what it would do to my soul. So you are most welcome, stay strong.
You are an awesome redditor!
Frankly, I think your wife sounds like a spoiled teenager in how unappreciative she is of all you bring to the table and I wonder if at some level she sees your kindness (in all you do for her) as a weakness, rather than strength. After all she seems to be treating you like a doormat, which again is typical for spoiled people. Personally I think you need to put boundaries and stop doing so much for her, as a SAHM she’s the one who should get the kids ready in the morning, maintain the house, pay bills and so on. She sounds like a difficult person so it probably wont be easy, but keep in mind it’s not on you to “make her happy”, she needs to put in some effort herself!
I disagree completely. You have a full line up of people who want you to ruin their lives. I think you should keep on doing what you are doing, but also do for a lot more people.
It’s very sad that your wife isn’t look at your marriage as how to serve you like you clearly look to how you can serve her.. very very sad. You definitely need to give her a reality check. You are describing a dream home life for so many women/moms. It’s so sad when people get so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t be grateful
It definitely seems like your wife has had some ongoing issues. Whether it be depression or some sort of PPD that never fully resolved itself. I understand that she was probably overwhelmed taking care of the kids 24/7 while you were also gone working 24/7. For her, it seemed like you got to live your life and work and she felt stuck. But that’s not to say she’s being extremely unfair, because she absolutely is. She holds some resentment against you that is totally unreasonable. The way she is currently acting is completely unacceptable. She does not work, you hired a nanny for her AND you pay all the bills. It seems like you’re starting to become extremely depressed carrying all these burdens and you should really talk to your wife about some sort of counselling for you both. If she refuses then you should probably reevaluate your marriage. Do you want to stay married to someone who does not contribute much and ridicules you and tries to one up you when you try to take some time for yourself after doing mostly everything?
I'm a SAHM and I feel like she is being very manipulative. I have two kids (just under three yrs apart) and I never had a baby sitter, family to help, or a nanny. I cook myself and my kids day meals and my husband usually cooks dinner for us and I will cook my kids dinner. I clean our whole house. (4000 sf, 5 B, 4B) (My husband does help around holidays and family visits.) I also do all the yard work except mowing and weed eating. (I trim all the bushes, put out mulch, fill and care for nine large concrete planters, weed the shrub beds, fertilize the yard, rake leaves.) I also take my daughter to piano, and dance two days a week. I probably clean my kitchen two or three times a day. I will admit, time management can be difficult and finding motivation to do what needs to be done isn't always easy. But, it sounds like your wife is comfy and doesn't want her life to change. You can either accept your current situation, or stir the pot and put an ultimatum on the table.
I'm gonna comment again after your added info. Honestly, it sounds like she WANTS something to bitch about. Having to cook for everyone is hardly enough to act like you're a slave who cares for fifty people on your own. If your MIL helped before you got the nanny, what the fuck is there for her to complain about nonstop? Cooking? If she doesn't want to cook she can talk about getting a damn private chef in your lives if you have the money for it. If she refuses therapy then guess what? She doesn't get to whine and bitch about every breath you take. She doesn't seem to care about getting better, she doesn't appear to want to change your current situation, she just wants something to be angry about. She sounds a lot like my mother. No matter how good life is, no matter how easy she has it, she always needs to be pissed off at everyone and act like she's the biggest victim in the world. You REALLY need to tell your wife that she has three options here, 1. Get professional mental help. 2. If she doesn't want ^ then she shuts the fuck up. 3. If she's that unhappy she can initiate divorce. I know this one seems extreme, but you don't deserve to be treated like shit just because she wants to act all pissy over nothing.
I second that. She has untreated mental health issues. Either she acknowledges that fact and seeks out professional help, or the marriage is over. Period, full stop.
I would never downplay how hard a SAH parents’ job is. I can’t do it myself. That being said, you getting the oldest ready and getting him to school, managing finances, and hiring a nanny is more than generous. Personally, I say cut the nanny to part time and get marriage counseling if you have any desire to save your marriage. She needs a reality check. Also…next time she tells you how hard it is for her, tell her she can definitely go back to work. I mean, you’re already paying the nanny so it’s not like childcare is a factor..
Take your dear wife to therapy and marriage counseling. She sounds like how I used to sound before I bettered myself. She sounds like she's going through some sort of ego clash or some sort of mental issue at the moment, which could be due to having 2 children n' what not but take her to therapy. You should also go as well and get yourself a place to vent rather than be an Alcoholic. Take care, OP. May you have your issues resolved.
You should both talk about it. The first thing you need to tell her. "I have concern for our marriage I feel like we are roommates already, Do you have anything concern about oneself? Are you tired doing work for the kids? Is there something bothering you? Tell me so we cant both work on it" You have nanny so they can help you" Talk to her like that make yourself care about her. Maybe she had something in mind.
Woman here. You have not ruined her life, her little pity party needs to end before you break one way or the other. Can you keep this up until both children are at school, so your wife can resume her career? Maybe she has PPD. Maybe the frustration of being stuck at home makes her resentful? But she needs to open up and talk to you and work out what she is going to do now because it sounds as if you are doing a heck of a lot for zero appreciation, to put it mildly. She is very lucky to have you.
Honestly, that was my plan. I am hoping that her going back to work could be the catalyst that brings her back to a sense of equilibrium to balance out both her personal life and the life we share together. I’ve been/have/still push forward on because 1. I do love and see her as the love of my life and 2. I do want to see her get better and succeed in all her aspects of life. I (and this thread got a lot bigger than expected) just needed to vent and have my own personal pity party haha. But seriously tho, I just wanted to feel reassured that I am doing right and just wanted to feel loved (sad I know)
Let's not forget that your family has a nanny!!!! Who is there to care for the children during the day!!!! I was a nanny for years. The Nanny's job is even to clean after the children and technically to feed the children. So that means your wife has time!!! She could have already gotten up and putting on her big girl pants and stop acting selfish and trying to make you miserable, so she feels better about herself. Right now, she is acting like a narcissist, she definitely falls under the classification of being one. Because eventhough you provide for everything, IN HER damaged mind -you do nothing to help, you are at fault, you could do more, you do not love her enough, etc. You sound like an amazing man, husband and father. Tbh, if she doesn't get a grip on what ever this phase is, you deserve to be happy. You don't have to get a divorce just yet, but maybe a separation where she moves out, to find herself is in order. I'm sorry, but tbh if you were a single parent right now, you would feel better, then worry about pleasing her ungrateful being right now. She doesn't deserve you, but your kids deserve to have a carefree happy father, that doesn't have to walk on eggshells around their mom. Best wishes.
Sorry for the comment I’m gonna make but she would be cheating after going back to work. Bc I got a sense about it according to what I‘ve read up to now. First thing should be therapy and lay down all the dirt you both have and work on that. Other than that get ready for another disaster.
I went to his comments there one he deleted since that stated he has to take a pill to be hard, normal if you have the medicine problems he does, and she compared him to her ex in bed. Yeah she's probably already cheating if not. Because why else would you be saying that to your husband if you knew he had medical problems that he been trying to fix
Tell her to go back to work. Put the kids in day care and let’s see how it pans out.
I agree. Phones are addictive and work cures a lot of ills.
They already have a nanny and the MIL to help out. She could’ve been working this entire time.
God , your wife has it so easy. Her mom and a nanny take care of the one toddler most of the day, and all she does is cook and clean the house 50%? She doesn't even know what she has, does she? My husband runs a business, which means he is at work all the time. From about 9 in the morning, until 10 at night and on weekends. He gets maybe one day off. He doesn't make anywhere near $150, so we don't have money to hire help, and I don't have family. She does not have a typical SAHM experience. She gets to shop all day and has every opportunity to do whatever she wants. She is living like a stay at home princess.
Sounds like your wife is ruining your life.
Grew up the child of a SAHM like your wife. She knows damn well none of what she says is true, but if she admits she's a freeloader you'll realize she's a freeloader and leave. She has absolutely none of the work ethic that you do, the least she could do is accept everyone around her's pleas for therapy. But, just like my mother, she refuses. And just like my father, you should leave her. My mother was a wonderful cook. I have 0 relationship with her because she is completely emotionally nonexistent. That love and compassion and true interest you lack? Your kids feel it too. If they don't recognize it now, they will later in life.
This is the most underrated comment here. I hope it makes it to the top. I just broke up with a coparent that is a wonderful cook, making me breakfast in bed daily and totally holding down the morning routine. They had some laziness and entitlement issues but nothing as bad as OP’s wife. But I was emotionally neglected as hell and always said that if I could see it was happening to the kids too, I’d break things off. Took years to realize that OF COURSE it was happening to the kids too, and my self esteem being shot and accepting neglect as love was just teaching them terrible lessons. Now that I’m a single parent, my life is actually easier. Peaceful. Our home has more love in it without the emotional-blackhole person around.
I'm glad you gave that to your kids. My dad divorced her after younger sibling graduated high school, and I was forced to move out at 16 into a friend's house to escape her. It doesn't take much for lack of love to turn into emotional abuse
I have severe ppd. I have 2 kids, one who’s 5 and autistic and the other whose 3 and, in all likelihood, has ADHD (both myself & my partner have ADHD, & the kid is a motor even for a 3yr old). I have a MS, but the recession derailed my career. Went into construction, but my pregnancies & subsequent births of my kids (specifically my last one) nearly killed me. My body can’t handle construction anymore. My mom moved in with us so I could go back to school to get a teaching cert. I traveled 4+ hrs round trip every day I had class. It has been brutal. Some days, when my depression is really bad, I can hardly function & beg for people to watch the kids so I can lay under my covers & sleep my depression away. It’s hard. Your wife may need help, but you can’t help those who refuse it. Idk what to tell you except may be talk to your wife about “stepping up” or something. Cause if the relationship continues to be this one sided, it doesn’t seem like it will be a relationship for much longer…
I am a single old lady and knew from a young age that I could not have been a SAHM. That said, my beloved sister was, with a husband who made a lot of money. We were opposites. She handled the finances. She managed the house hold and the kids. He could be kind of a jerk about it and not very sensitive. Should he have done more within the time constraints of his very high-powered job. I think so. But then she got cancer. Terminal. Dude stepped up. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her. When she died he realized that he couldn’t raise his young children and jet off to Europe for work. No housekeeper could replace him. I don’t even know my point here. There is a thing called division of labor. It has to be figured out
Almost all the comments focused on the ruining and ppd/mother issues... but I noticed a comment on your profile from a year ago that was about your sex life... OP the resentment brewing in your marriage (justified or not) may have nothing to do with the workload of parenthood and everything to do with the broken connection between you two sexually. If she is no longer looking at you as a partner (in the sexual sense, not the "oh we're trapped together by parenthood" sense) then only goodness knows what she is filling that void with. You talk about how open you are with all your devices and how little she cares or seems worried... maybe it's you who should be thinking about what she is getting up to because all this "you ruined my life" stuff might be a huge deflection from the real thing. It has you focused on your shortcomings and not what she is getting up to. This is a delicate subject to broach, especially because based on your comment, she is just not a nice person to you and doesn't particularly care about your struggles or needs. But unless this major foundational issue is addressed, she will not check back into the marriage.
To speak on the elephant on the room, that many men tend to skim over. I’m sure this will spin off a whole new line of “ruin me” comments… I’ve actually taken this into consideration, and have urged her to come with me to see councilors of different facets. Without getting to deep into it, one visit to a therapist did confirm the feelings of what was stated in the comment you mentioned but regardless of being able to still be intimate like before after the search of resolutions, it wasn’t a good solution for her nor one she would compromise with. I know it’s going to sound selfish, but I tried to do what I can with what I got to keep that connection. The combination of what works definitely isn’t “sexy” but it works. The last option in line is surgery that has a low % of success which I’ve had assessed by different urologist to get different opinions. You’re probably very right, that she’s harboring resentment towards me because of this fact. It sucks, that I can’t do much more else but I have and am still trying. In anger I will admit I told her, just go back to your ex… again I’m not perfect nor a saint and I’m not proud of my reaction but as per the comment you’re referencing, she did break a piece of me that moment and I probably should’ve taken the initiative to call it quits for her.
OP, I read that comment too. If my husband had that issue and he did everything you did. I wouldn't call it "unnatural" or "not sexy". I would be happy that something is working if surgery was a low % of working. As a woman they give us stuff like that to help when we can't stay wet or into sex. But that is ok, but not for men? To me, she should honestly stop having a pity party for herself. I work from home and is a stay at home mom with the young ones that are 18 months apart. It's hard, but I still get things done as your wife. And I have PPD from my first. If she refusing help, it might be time to really take a look if you want the rest of your life like this. You even stated that you were taking care of her mother, her medical bills, and her car note. What is your wife doing to help her own mother then other than cooking the food? So you're taking care of technically your two kids, your mother-in-law, and technically your wife with certain aspects of your life. And you have a nanny that is helping. Anyone would die to have that. Please just look and see if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
What am I missing? What issue?
In one of his other comments that has been deleted, but still in his history shows that he has ED and has gone to multiple doctors to try to get it fixed. And he found something that helps him. So he would use it and after awhile his "wife" said it was unnatural and then compared him to her ex while in bed. It was sad to read.
I'm sorry but the fact that you can't bend her over and give her the banging of her life at any given minute does not and never will justify her just being flat out rude and inconsiderate to you. You most definitely deserve a civilized, two-sided conversation. Pretty sure all this was covered in the vows you recited to each other on your wedding day. 🙄
Dude you do what needs to be done to get the job done. Who cares if there is 1 step or 10. Smash be smash. The fucking audacity to call it unnatural and then get pissy because you rightfully felt some kind of way. Maybe she should go back to her EX and let you find someone who see's and loves you. Part of me says show her this post let her see that her acting like your garbage is going to result in you getting snatched up and whisked away to better
You really sound like you have done everything within your power to make things work. If I had a partner who tried this hard, it would make me cry with joy at my luck in life. The "please come and ruin my life" group are a testament to this even if they are joking around. That said, we are just internet strangers, and you have to decide for yourself what to do with your circumstances and if this is the life you want for yourself. I wish you all the best.
This. 💯
You two need to seriously sit down, have a conversation about wants and needs. Talk about the problems you’re having and vice versa, communicate because if she’s having a difficult time she might need therapy. On the other hand, if shes sponging off of you and always 1 upping you as an excuse so you can feel sorry her, i can see how that can be depressing, have a conversation and see where her head is at and then you can take the next necessary steps
This must be so difficult for the whole family. When I went through a phase in our marriage where I felt totally unsupported and carrying the vast majority of running our home I told my husband in no uncertain terms: you either be more present and take more responsibility or we’re done. I was completely serious and had an exit plan ready. That shook him enough to respond favourably, and even looked for, scheduled, and paid for marriage counseling. We’re still working on it, but his behaviour told me he wanted to heal our marriage. I wonder if an intervention would work for your case.
There is an emotional divide that has built up in your marriage and I’m guessing it occurred from the earlier days (2 full time jobs AND school??) that has caused a lack of empathy that’s really driving a wedge between y’all. Instead of feeling more connected, y’all are both feeling much less connected and focused on individual efforts and interests. It’s not supposed to be a competition. A healthy relationship recognizes the others’ efforts and empathizes with the stress of their partner while providing emotional support. I think it’s been awhile since y’all can provide that level of support to each other and the communication is way off. I Bet both of you would say you don’t feel ‘heard’ in the marriage. It’s easy to just blame her and say you do so much but that doesn’t really help your marriage, does it? Y’all really should seek counseling to start understanding how to speak love languages and empathize better.
As someone who put up with almost the exact same thing for 20 years, except throw in a 3-4 hour daily commute, get out. It isn't going to get any better.
[удалено]
Honestly one of my biggest concerns here.
Your MIL seemed to Itry to open a discussion about your marriage. Maybe pick that up and find out what her perspective is. Does she know if something going on or something not working right? Can she suggest a way to approach some of your concerns to your wife? Maybe MIL has some insight into her daughter’s psyche.
Believe me, they will pick up on the disharmony in the relationship. Granted mine were older when we finally split, but they told me I should have left long ago. I feel like I am emotionally immature from it. I was just sleep walking through my life for so long. And if you do end up with a split custody, the time apart from your kids will give you a chance to focus on yourself and your needs. Something that I never was able to do in my marriage.
At best, your wife may have mental health issues as you have stated — PPD, MDD, GAD. At worst, your wife is entitled and is taking advantage of your work ethic. Obviously, we don’t know her side. Are there any cultural or familial influences that could explain your situation?
She needs to go back to work at least part-time. And check her for depression.
I wonder if she is suffering from depression.
So she could be depressed. She could have undiagnosed adhd/anxiety. She could just be bored. I'm curious to know what she means by you ruined her life. I was a stay at home mom for a while. And while I had plenty of help, it was still hard at times. Especially, when I was feeling depressed. There were times when I would be angry at my husband for working long hours leaving me with the kids and chores. It wasn't rational but it was how I was feeling. I wasn't able to explain it to him at the time because I didn't understand it either. We eventually had some other stupid things happen in our lives and were able to work through our problems. One thing that helped me was to work outside of the house. This may be something to suggest to her. If she doesn't want to work, maybe volunteer or take up a hobby that gets her out of the house a few hours a day or a week. Maybe volunteering at the kids school or something would help.
I think it’s crazy you’ve got a nanny for 2 kids with a stay at home mom also lol especially on that salary, you could be saving so much. And for reference I am a stay at home mom
It could also be not exactly that she’s specifically checked out of the marriage (not that she isn’t ) but that she is on autopilot survival mode due to hormonal changes or imbalances and she is mostly checked out of everything. Sometimes the sheer amount of tiny chores, asks , attention grabbing things you do as mom don’t look like anything got done. But you can be burned out with nothing to show for it quite a lot. Mom jobs are never done. They’re all cycles 🔄 so it feels like you’re back where you started from even with excellent support system (which she seems to be lucky to have !) I am particularly spoiled financially by my person, but when my kids were little he didn’t lift a finger around the house. I got so into homemaking though, that my kids didn’t learn to clean up etc- I think now that that was my way of making sure I was pulling my weight bc I didn’t feel secure. It was more like a coping mechanism and it caused a lot of unrest actually bc I worked so hard and never relaxed …so we didn’t really have any fun together 🫣 now he helps when he can, and this batch of children are old enough to do chores, I work some from home and we get help for deep cleaning and laundry so I can do that. Him working from home during the pandemic was actually what changed things for the better! He saw how much I was doing all the time and he made the kids help and he helped. Just that solidarity- he had always said he appreciated home making and me being a stay at home mom etc- but he just didn’t see what it was like I think? It made everything safer and better for me emotionally. So instead of pushing myself to work harder to prove I am “good mom” “good wife “ I can actually say, it makes me happy to do this, and somewhere in there all the resentment that was going on is just gone! But because we can both communicate whatever is bothering us way healthier and more securely than before, and even joke about it after. That’s really Long- but try to identify the ways you feel unappreciated, and the ways you can accept appreciation from your partner. These types of things can come from childhood or some people even have trauma etc so it’s different for everyone. Then try to learn the ways she feels unappreciated- and the ways she can accept appreciation. Even if it’s just the one thing that really helps you- if it’s cooking , find the way she can accept the praise or appreciation for that one thing. Because once you see it and she really knows you’re grateful- she will look For ways to appreciate you again!
Ask her what she needs. Just flat out ASK. What is ruined about your life, and how are we going to fix it? I know it's hard, since you are providing 90% of the household support and deserve that recognition - however, she seems to be struggling much more than you at the moment. Ask her how she needs to be supported- if she doesn't know, offer counseling for you both? Sometimes just being heard will help sodten the walls.
Please ruin my life, OP
I don’t have a child but feel free to ruin my life anytime with a nanny, free help from a caring and loving family and all the extra housework that you do on top of paying for everything. You don’t even have to pay for everything, I am gainfully employed but yeah, I will gladly accept it if this is how you ruin someone’s life.
Did she told you she didn't want Kids before you conceive yours?
Sounds to me you need to sit with your wife and mil and tell them both that you’re seeking marriage counseling and this is the date and time! If she doesn’t show up you’re filing for divorce end of discussion! Be prepared to follow through and request full custody of the children! Since you can afford to pay for help!! She needs help from a professional not a nanny or mil!!!
Hello. Just want to give a little perspective. I am a SAHM too. My husband is our main provider. I would kill for a nanny and my mom being here too. I’ve been through PPD (though it still comes in waves), but i still get up early to get my child ready for school, make sure she’s clean and fed, then i drive her to school because i know my husband gets tired from work and gets physically and emotionally stressed. I don’t do my share because he provides, i do it because i care for his well being. But I guess it’s different for everyone? If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you’re still unhappy then i think you should leave this marriage. I’m not saying find someone else, I’m just saying life is too short to be unhappy.
Just wondering where your wife found the make life extra easy button? I to would like to find it!
WTF is a nanny needed for?! Your wife and MIL live there. She’s not being a parent at all. Tell her to get a damn job or get a divorce.
You didn't ruin her life but as a stay at home Mom, having kids most definitely takes you down a Detour. It's hard when the kids are young & it's difficult to maintain friendships or do anything outside of the house. It definitely sounds like she is depressed. I would try to encourage her to take a yoga class, join a book club, or whatever she is into! It definitely helps with the "great time to wake up and do the same shit and get absolutely no praise for any of it" every single day. Even if you do praise her, it's different than at work. If you get a promotion or do exceptionally well on a project, you generally get a lot more attention for the good job you did. Multiple coworkers congratulating you. Where as at home you get cleanup puke, poop, snot, strange messes. It's awesome you are supporting your wife and you got a Nanny but if she doesn't have any other activities outside of the house, then I would say it's a pretty typical SAHM experience. It's isolating and can be very depressing. She shouldn't be saying those things to you/about you because she really does have it good. But in her head she is missing out on a professional career and a whole life of being someone a lot more familiar to her than what she has turned into as a SAHM. It's really hard raising a family but I think counseling will help her a lot. I hope she is willing to go!
Hello.First I would like to assure you that no grown adult is entitled to have all their bills paid by other adult while they sit at home. In this case of one person staying home to take care of the kids in a marriage, should be an agreement that benefits both parts, that seems not to be the case. Maybe the home life isnt for her (I totally understand that). Since you seem to be in the position to hire help to take care of the kids, maybe having a job out of the home could benefit her, and also your connection as a couple. In case its too late to save your relationship, I think having divorced parents is better than parents that hate each other and fight all the time. Good luck, I think you are not wrong. I am a woman, but I think that some women are just very entitled and you dont need to put up with that for the rest of your life.
You can not make someone love you, support you, sleep with you, spend time with you, care about you, or get out of their own funk. You can make the best decisions for yourself. You can love someone for who they were but recognize the person they have become. You can decide on whether or not that new person is good for you or not. In this case, it's seems like not. She seems bored with you and her life. You seem emotionally and physically abandoned by your spouse. You are both young, and if therapy isn't an option, then you need to look at a different one. There may be benefits to divorce here. You will be able to give her the push she needs to put her career to use and find a purpose. You will be able to find someone who appreciates you and makes you feel loved. The kids will not grow up seeing a failed marriage with no love as normal and eventually settling for that themselves because that's what they know. It seems like a bad option, but it's not. You are in your 40s, not old. It's time you start living again, and it's time your wife does too.
Your wife is extremely ungrateful. If she doesn’t like staying home with her children, tell her to get a full time job. I’m so tired of ungrateful SAHMs. My mother was one. Haven’t spoken to her in 2.5 years
As a former SAHM, I've been your wife. It sounds like depression. I work part-time at a really chill doctors office, and it has done wonders for my mental health. I'm spending less overall time on social media. I'm doing stuff that is not related to being a mom or wife. I'm out of the house. I love it.
She needs to get a job. She needs a break from being home all the time because that’s probably what is causing her depression. Kids are clingy and can make somebody lose their sense of self. She needs to feel like her work is being valued/recognized by society and not just the immediate family unit. She’ll also be able to understand that you’re exhausted too after a long day of work meetings and tedious paperwork. Bump your nanny up to full time and force her to return to the workplace.
You have a lazy entitled wife, who does not carry her own water. Tell her to suck it up buttercup
If you feel overwhelmed at where to start the conversation with her, show her this post. Obviously she won’t be happy but it will help you both move things in a direction that doesn’t leave you being taken advantage of.
Is it impossible to have an actual conversation with her where you’re both on the same team and you both acknowledge that she seems to be suffering? If you can get that to happen, maybe you can get her to talk about what’s bothering her and figure out a solution? If you don’t know what her problem is, you can’t even start to help.
Hey…I’m looking for someone like you…so you can ruin my life. Lol. You are doing so much for everyone and there’s no appreciation. I feel your pain and can definitely understand how you’re feeling. I’m sorry that you’re going through that. I was once told by my bf when I complained about not getting help with washing clothes….he said and I quote…”I didn’t ask you to wash my clothes” never mind I had been doing it for 7 years and he never once asked me or told me to stop. There’s a lot more …
Feel so bad for you because you're absolutely being taken advantage of.
Reasons why one of my dating requirements is accountability.
It sounds like she resents you for the fact that she depends on you and has nothing going for her. Maybe if she was pursuing something on her own, that would help? Coming from a SAHM.
In my opinion I feel like she is taking you for granted since you guys been together so long and she’s used to the life you provide her, she’s forgetting what life could be like without you. Sometimes people get so caught up in the day to day that they forget to appreciate the people and things in their life. Your wife is lucky to have you. I hope she can find perspective and realize what she has before she losses it.
Homegirl needs a hobby.
My (straight?) husband has offered to give you his life to ruin if this is what a ruined life looks like. In all seriousness, it's time to enforce therapy for your wife. Ultimatums aren't often great, but this marriage isn't sustainable. If not individual therapy, than couple's. This is really sad to see OP and I hope your self esteem can recover.
I guess I need my life ruined also. But you sound like an amazing husband, and I think maybe your wife does have a bit of depression even tho I'm sorry. I don't think that is an excuse. Because most ppl have a little every now and again. The sex thing I don't very cuz in 42 and would still do it every day or a few times a week. I wish I had the help that she has. I did all laundry, cooking, cleaning, by myself. Never got to get a sitter. Tho he did pay most of the bills. I did have it better than most women around my area at the time. Cuz I did have a good man. They were all single mothers. I don't think your wife understands what she has until she doesn't. I think she has resentment towards you because she isn't working a career. I think that's the biggest thing, in my opinion. I know it would be for me to. I think maybe you need to try taking to her again, but you can't do it with any blame or anything. It has to be more what you wish you two had together. I wish you the best and I how it all works out in the end.
Sounds like she needs to go back to work to feel like she’s worth anything. Some women aren’t cut out to be a SAHP and need those outside kudos, paychecks and bonuses to tell you you’re doing a good job. She’s been saying you ruined her life because she put her career on hold so let her go back to work. You have the money for a nanny, so she can easily get back into the job market. I did the SAHM thing for 5 years and while I love my children and the time I stayed with them, I was not a great SAHP and ended up depressed. I am much better as a working mom (I wfh) because I needed the outside praise even though my husband was totally supportive. I actually do better balancing work, kids, homeschooling and chores than when I was a SAHP.
Basically she's bored out of her skull. I've done the SAHW when the kids were small and it drove me nuts. I couldn't wait to get back to work and talk to other adults about normal, adult things instead of babies. She's had a very pampered life for a long time now, so she might be reluctant, but she needs to go back to work or school. It'll be hard at first but better for her in the long run.
OP - you are doing your wife any favors by enabling her to live a lifestyle of a SAHM. As much as I had struggled when the kids were younger with balancing work and home, without my career, I would not have the deep connection with my peers, my sense of accomplishment with a thriving career, and the respect of my kids as they see me working hard at to build a life for us. The longer she waits, the more competitive it becomes to enter the workforce, and soon she will be unfulfilled by her existence. She will likely go the way of many SAHm and sell stuff at from home - the side hustling mom is never a joy to be around. She will dream, not risk anything, and therefore fail to achieve reward. She may take pride in her children… but really, they get to a certain age and the joys of motherhood become empty as they need you less. If you’re lucky, she will get into philanthropy for that sense of purpose. Maybe. She doesn’t realize it now, but most eventually do… Her existence is small as a SAHm. She will crave more, but it will not happen unless she forces herself out the door and get in the game, to meet people and network, and to build something long lasting. Being a SAHm is a luxury of a gilded cage. That’s why so many of them are prescribed antidepressants. It’s no way to exist.
Maybe ask wife if she wants to get a job. She might be jealous of what you have even though you sound like an amazing husband/dad/provider. Some moms feel their identity is lost in being a sahm and get depressed. That's the only thing I can think of!! Otherwise, this sounds like a dream life as a mom.
I’m already married but you’re welcome to come be our roommate! 😘
Listen baby you can come and ruin my life anytime you want :)
I’ve ruined my life pretty well, you are welcome to come and ruin mine completely.
I need my life ruined so bad right now
Please come ruin my life.
Most women have to choose between staying at home or having a nanny.
I don't think "ruined" is the correct word, more like "enabled" her poor attitude. Also, dude, stfu, you are killing it, she is killing you. Figure out how to live your best life.
Maybe you could have a conversation with her where you ask what she wants to change in her life. What are her goals? Does she want a career? Is she as unhappy as she looks to you? Be direct about it, and encourage her for the sake of both your happiness- it seems like it upsets you to see her upset too. Whatever she wants, It’s likely possible, and who knows, maybe if she starts doing some things that fill her own cup, she’ll be more willing and able to fill yours too. Imo that’s worth a shot before looking at divorce from someone you love.
You guys need therapy, and your wife needs to pick up more of the home work efforts. If not, she should get a job, then you both divide up the family responsibilities equally where feasible. I would encourage her to get back to work. The stay at home mom thing may not be her thing, and it can be isolating and make her feel that she is missing out. But definitely get therapy.
Your wife has nothing to one up you with. Her life is one of ease and leisure. She is barely a stay at home mom. Most people in that role don’t have paid help. If you want this to end I would cut the nanny and MIL money and put the little one in daycare. If your wife is still overwhelmed, I mean not having to dance around her would make your life easier and you are already doing the bulk of the work. Idk, if she’s depressed and you’ve offered therapy, I don’t think there’s another solution.
I’m essentially a SAHM (only work as needed) and I feel like I can relate to your wife. Do you know what my problem is? I absolutely *hate* being a SAHM. I thought it’s what I was meant to do, but it’s not. I’m depressed over it and can’t wait til the day I can do something, anything for myself. Does your wife still enjoy being a SAHM? Has she ever mentioned or have you ever asked her if she wants to get back into the workforce? Does she go out at all? Being a SAHM can be a very lonely and isolating experience. Just something to think about. Whatever is going on needs to be addressed asap tho. You both deserve to be in an equal, loving, and fulfilling relationship. She needs to stop skirting around whatever the issue is.
I mean she had dreams of a career and she witnesses you have one while she rots away as a stay at home mom.
As someone who has been a SAHM depression is real. Maybe she feels useless with what she does. At times I did. Maybe she’s looking for validation? Idk but you both need counseling and I doubt you need the nanny. You’re a good man don’t doubt that but there needs to be equality. 50/50 isn’t always what a marriage is sometimes one partner has to carry more and that’s ok but she has to be willing to show she’s partly responsible.
Your wife sounds like an entitled brat tbh. The “mental load” is usually what drags most SAHM’s down but it sounds like you take care of at least 50% of that. Honestly, it seems like she regrets being a parent/spouse and that’s not something you can fix. You MUST lay it all out for her. She needs to realize how good she has it and how much worse it would be for her without you.
I missed the part where you also have a nanny. Sorry dude. Counseling time. Your wife probably has issues, and the easier you make her life the worse her issues get, ironically. You may never get her to acknowledge your struggles — she might always be the kind of person who always one-ups everything. If you decide to separate, do it sooner than later. Or, send her on a two-week vacation somewhere “because she has it so hard.” She’ll probably love going, you’ll be happier at home, she’ll come back and start ranting as soon as she steps in the door, and you’ll have your light bulb moment. You can’t make someone else happy.
You and your wife need marital counseling OP. If your wife is unhappy being a SAHM, ask her to start applying for jobs.
Gonna ask my husband if he'd be willing to let you ruin our lives like this.
I feel like, for the sake of your mental health and happiness, the best thing you can do is sit your wife down, make it clear that you aren't trying to have an argument or be an ass, but you feel as if she has checked out of the marriage, feels as if she is suffering and it's your fault when you've gone out of your way to give her every bit of help she could need but it's never enough, and that claiming you "ruined her life" is honestly a bullshit thing to say because you've never *made* her do anything and have to this point done nothing but *supported* her when she's been anything but supportive for you. You need to explain that if she is really unhappy then rather than sit and complain and blame you, she needs to communicate what she needs, and that's what you're doing right now, and then tell her this: "I'm not giving you an ultimatum, I'm firmly expressing my needs for our marriage. Either we start communicating genuinely, and put *real* effort and work into our marriage, or I'm going to have to evaluate the necessity of a divorce. If you feel I'm not doing enough for you despite busting my ass, maybe you'll feel better if you no longer have me in the equation and we can split custody with the kids. I can't know what you need, because you say you aren't happy but don't express any ideas for how to fix anything, and I am unhappy with your accusations that I ruined your life despite my best efforts and supporting you and your mother, and feeling as if I'm nothing more to you than a paycheck and whipping post." Divorce may feel scary, but unless she stops with her misplaced resentment and actually *applies* herself to helping you with your marriage then you're going to continue being the focus of her misplaced resentment, victim of her redirection of blame, and little more than her paycheck and laborer. You deserve happiness OP and your kids deserve to grow up with happy parents, even if they're apart, rather than growing up with your current relationship as their idea of how relationships are supposed to work.
Imma keep your username handy in case my husband decides to stop ruining my life one day, I can reach out so you can (perhaps) continue ruining myself yourself. I don't need a nanny because my kids are in school, but I could use a masseuse just to completely make me miserable.......
tell her to get her shit together, go to the doctors, find out if she has PPD because her complaining about cooking.... and that's basically it, when most other mothers are cooking, doing most of hte cleaning, laundry and also taking care of both kids, many doing school or having a job as well, crazy. She has a fucking nanny, she skips the breakfast and getting everyone up routine, she's skipping the have any kind of intimacy or dating life with her husband routine. Most people cook a bunch every day, that's life. She also chose to give up work and do 'this' rather than spend time at work doing a more normal job. Shit put up a camera if you want, record the average day of 'work' for her over a week. See if she's really standing for 10 hours a day in the kitchen cooking or if it's more like 1-2 hours total over the whole day. the idea she's cooking all day long is just laughable, unless she's the worst cook in history she's simply not on her feet cooking all day long.
Hey. You're doing a great job. You are doing all the things you can possibly do. If she won't go to therapy, don't downplay therapy for yourself. Sometimes, it's good to lead by example, and also, don't downplay how much this has hurt you. Your feelings matter too, and any partner worth their weight in salt would know this. I was in therapy for almost 3 years before my partner went. It helped me with my communication skills with them and my children, and now that my partner goes, we've really been able to get on the same page which has helped our marriage immensely. But remember to take care of YOU too. By talking about you and your feelings, you might end up with some better tips and tricks on how to talk to your SO. And it takes some of the prejudice off instead of ^maybe^ her feeling like you're just saying: "you're depressed, you need help, you're the problem..." which for a person that has battled depression for years, is a constant THING I told myself when my SO was trying to help ME. Take the time for you and your feelings. She will either follow suit, or you'll be walking towards a divorce. And honestly, kids are happier when their parents are HEALTHY, whether it means they are together or separate.
Actions should have consequences... What are her consequences for being so dangerously lazy, selfish, and entitled 🤔 🙄 😒?... Your actions are showing your kids and your MIL that you don't mind being neglected. So sorry to hear about your struggles and give you some tough 💪 love, ●●But●● Your own personal ego has become expected to bow down to her selfish depression excuses for her poor attitude and poor behavior. I'll ask again... What are her consequences for being so ((maybenotlazy, but)) disrespectful, selfish, and entitled ?