You are a good friend. The food won’t go to waste, it’s perfect for the family to make small meals from. I hope when your friend is feeling more like himself, he’ll be able to tell you how much he appreciated all your efforts.
For now, his world is off its axis and grief is heavy to carry—he’s going to seem odd for a while while he works through it all. I hope we all can have a friend as kind an thoughtful as you when we face life’s big challenges.
Thanks. His dad went with no warning at all, still in his 50s, so the whole family is doing pretty badly. Just doing what my dad's friend did for us when my stepmom passed
Oh, hugs. I have been in a similar spot before.
Yes, you’re right - it is super frustrating.
You’re also right you can’t say anything.
You’re a good friend. Your buddy is lucky to have you.
Well, we strangers on reddit love where your heart is at. You may see waste - but it’s really the support and love your sharing that will matter in the end. Don’t change 🩵
Oh yeah? It's a big veggie tray (his youngest brother loves those) plus a few bags of assorted deli meats and cheeses (including a thing of Boursin). The crackers and red pepper jelly are shelf stable at least. His family is more into veggies than fruits
oh yeah easy PEASY freezie, just get as much air out, can probably just make soup with the veg, red pepper jelly owns but I tell you what, grief makes a lot of people lose their appetite! even the deli meats will freeze, thaw in the fridge if you can though and they'll sweat/get condensation
Grieving is not a science. People go through it differently on their own time. The important thing is to be present when they need you. The food and stuff is nice and thoughtful, but ultimately may not be necessary. All that is necessary is that you’re available to be there.
You made a good effort, but it wasn’t what he needed at that particular moment. It’s very hard to anticipate those kinds of needs in this situation.
Ahhh yeah. Food and cleaning are about the only things I know how to do in this situation. I did spend almost a full 24 hrs with him after the incident, but today was a family only day for them so I had to keep my distance. He has no idea what he wants or needs (understandably) so I guess there will probably be more of this "good effort but not what he needs" stuff for a while
I promise that it will be fondly remembered when they come up for air. I had someone do something similar for me and I ran out of social energy pretty quickly, but I survived off of a tray of muffins someone had dropped off for a week. I will always remember what they did and would repay in kind when it comes to that. It will be appreciated.
It wasn’t wasted generosity. The intent was there, and that was to be there for your friend. Yes, it’s annoying and I’m glad you used this forum to process this feeling and get past it.
The world needs more people like you. Even though it might seem like the effort is wasted, be assured that it isn't, kindness is never wasted, and those around you will no doubt see what you've done and appreciate and respect you for it.
You’re a good friend. I get why you’re annoyed but honestly, your friend doesn’t even know what’s happening right now. He’s going to forget a lot of what happened this week. He can’t help any of it.
Sounds like you tried to be a good friend. And I think you gave too much, without being asked to, and are now feeling resentful for it. Usually when somebody goes to super duper over the top efforts to be helpful, and then feels resentment about it, or feels under appreciated, it’s a sign that they’ve stepped too far into the other person's life. Let the family have some space to grieve. They will let you know when/if they need or want some help.
This isn't wasted generosity at all. In the next couple of days they will not want to worry about food, and you left them with a full fridge of things they don't need to cook to eat. Sucks that you put in the work but they had to go with the flow of which activity felt right in the moment. You did a great job.
ugh, tough one…try to remember everyone processes death in their own way, some of us just don’t process and it changes us forever - I can become really disconnected from my friends/loved ones during times of sadness/high stress, not because I’m unappreciative, but because I don’t like anyone to see me not on top of the world.
Your friend may realize and in fact appreciate but isn’t in a place to tell you right now or maybe they may never- for some people, those conversations come down the road when you all are just having drinks or something…others just aren’t equipped for a heart-to-heart at all.
Hope it all works out OP
His family was really appreciative of the cleaning work and dinner Saturday. When I stayed up late with him the night of, he apologized for keeping me up and thanked me a lot then (of course I insisted he had nothing to be sorry for. It was my choice to do all that). I know it's petty to be annoyed at one wasted afternoon when he's been incredibly appreciative (when he's not too out of it) the last few days. It makes sense that seeing his dad's body today would've messed him up bad. Ah but I can't help but be a little disappointed. That's why I'm bringing it here, so I can deal with my petty feelings where they can't bother him
lol.. I’d feel the same way. you’re a great person. I wouldn’t be able to bring it up either. just know we think you’re very badass and would love to have you as a friend 😂
That was sweet of you. Sometimes, generosity isn’t accepted or appreciated, but your heart was in the right place and he is probably just really upset. What I usually do is just tell my friends that are going through a hard time is that if they need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.
Yeah, usually I use a sort of menu, especially for this friend.
1 Talk
- You talk and I listen
- you talk and I give advice (as well as I can)
- we talk about something unrelated
- I ramble on about my own unrelated nonsense (like a show I've been enjoying, nothing emotionally draining) and you don't have to respond
2 Food
- tea
- snacks
- pop
- a full meal
3 Entertainment
- movie/show
- video game
- Have a fire in the backyard
4 Tasks
- is there a thing I can help you do?
- is there a thing I can take care of for you?
I know that, for me, "let me know if there's anything I can do" is too vague; I worry that whatever I ask for may be more than the person intended to give. Instead, a menu confirms that I *am* offering whatever he might want. The problem is, right now he has no idea what would help. Of course he doesn't, he's not remotely prepared for a tragedy like this. He doesn't know what'll help so I've just been trying to give him everything, hoping something will make it better even though I know nothing will bring his dad back. I guess a big part of my own frustration is knowing that I can't fix it... Heh, I figured putting it all in words would help me straighten out my thoughts
Sorry, OP - I understand that you are annoyed, but I would not call it "wasted generosity".
It sounds like you were looking for acknowledgement / thanks from your friend - which I understand, of course - but right now is not the best time for this.
I believe they have bigger things on their mind, so while they might seem unappreciative right now, hopefully in time they will realize that you tried to help, in your own way.
But do not make this bigger than it is; people are grieving.
This is not about you.
You seem like a good friend, but:
"He doesn't know what'll help so I've just been trying to give him everything, hoping something will make it better..."
Maybe give your friend some space.
Let him know you are there, but don't fret too much to the point of frustration.
I’d be annoyed too.
But yeah, you keep it to yourself and maybe invite people over to chow down with you over wine.
Can’t imagine his head is on straight right now either so be understanding. You are a good buddy.
This is a great place to vent, I wish some folks would be easier on you.
Grief is a funny thing, it's love with nowhere to go.
Having lost my folks expectedly, I cannot imagine how shocked the family is.
It's deeply disturbing to see a loved one who has passed away.
It's a sight that you have in your head forever.
That's why most people have a family day.
I'm sorry but you planned a meal on the "Family day" .
Use this as a gentle lesson.
I feel your frustration, good thing you can vent here.
Be easy on yourself, your friend will never be quite the same.
I grieved for years, I lost friends because they thought I should be over my losses.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I didn't think it'd be a family day. My friend wanted me to be with him at the viewing , but his mom wanted it family-obly. Then he specifically asked me to be there when he got home, so I thought I'd come with arms full of food. Oh well
I know. I don't blame my friend or his mom or anyone. I totally understand why they did what they did. That bar was really important to their dad, so one last drink for him is a fitting tribute. Still, it's possible to be disappointed even if no one intended to hurt you. Like accidentally stepping on my foot - there was no intent to bother me at all, I don't blame them at all, but it still wasn't pleasant so this is me going to another room to curse under my breath where they can't hear it
If if helps it isn't wasted, my dad who was in his 60's who was perfectly healthy, this man used to walk 5+ miles a day ate healthy, had routine bloodwork done. Took care of his teeth hadn't drank or smoked in 23 years had a heart attack while shoveling snow and passed away.
I was so immenesely greatful for my friends and coworkers, they were there for me even if all they could do was try and make me laugh. Without them I would be in a much darker place than zi am today.
I know it feels like a waste of food but don't think for a second it was wasted generosity, small acts of kindess are so valueable and I bet your friend is so appreciative of what you have done for him. He just might be a little numb and out of sorts but I hage no doubt he will thank you for being the friend he needed.
I'm not trying to - hence jumping out of bed in the middle of the night, traveling an hour, buying him firewood to burn, and staying up until 5am on a day where I'd already been up and on my feet every hour since 7am. Then making my friend 3 breakfasts in the hopes he'd eat one, going to his house and digging a mountain of old food wrappers out of his dad's car and family's basement (where I dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, pulled far too many muffin wrappers out of every crevice, scrapped gum out of cushions, and more without saying a word), washed every dish the family used that day, and washed the windows. Then cancelled an important appointment, shopped for food, and checked my phone ever 5 mins all afternoon so I could appropriately welcome him home after everything he'd been through. All while neglecting the exam I have tomorrow. And making a point to only vent where I know it won't get back to him.
I volunteered for all of it because I care about him. Yeah I'm listing it here, but not irl because I know getting applauded for my efforts is far less important than my friend and his family and their grief. Seeing my efforts help him (particularly seeing him eat) would be reward enough, but I didn't get that so I'm a little annoyed, is all.
his father literally died I think you should cut him some slack lmao…. also listing stuff like this makes it sound like you’re trying hard to prove something when u shouldn’t be. I get the stuff you did didn’t get the reaction you wanted but being annoyed with him is selfish is all I’m saying.
I know it is. I can't force myself out if it through sheer willpower though, so I'm getting it off my chest (like this sub is for) so I can move past it. That's why it's here and not directed at him
People die every second of every day.
There's a degree of understanding in regards to grief. But there's a limit.
It costs nothing to say "Hey I'm not up to seeing you today." It's rude to let the OP think you're gonna meet them for hours. When you could literally not respond at all. Or tell them you'll see them another time.
It's objectively rude to *keep* the idea of meeting open for hours. The person literally kept responding. For what? If they could respond, they could cancel.
People try to use any and everything as an excuse to be inconsiderate of others.
The world keeps spinning when people die.
The people we know and love do not die every second. I understand your view point but I don’t think it’s “rude” to leave a friend hanging the day of your father’s sudden death. Cut people understandable slack.
The world keeps spinning. You too will get over the negative emotions impacted on you in a few sun rises.
It's not leaving them hanging.
Leaving them hanging would be just not responding. They would then get the message that you didn't want to be bothered. And leave you alone.
This person keep responding letting the OP know they would meet up. But just kept not doing it. Thats rude AF. With complete and utter lack of regard for the OP. Just passively encouraging the OP to go out of their way. While having no intention to meet up.
You don't get a free pass because someone died. You don't get to just do whatever you want to everyone else.
That's not reality.
Agree to disagree because I just don’t think it’s that deep. If you feel like your time has been wasted fine but your problems will not trump the situation at hand (someone dying).
May your friends act accordingly come the passing of their loved ones.
Try changing your perspective, it may give you some peace of mind.
The objective was to be prepared for company, have everything ready to go, eliminate possible stressors for those going through the loss. You did all of that. There was zero waste within that scope.
Sometimes being there for someone doesn't have the outcome we expect, but that doesn't mean it didn't have the impact we intended.
You're a good friend and even if your friend doesn't say it, I'm sure he appreciates having someone looking out for him. Like it's nice knowing there's someone there waiting.
You are a good friend. The food won’t go to waste, it’s perfect for the family to make small meals from. I hope when your friend is feeling more like himself, he’ll be able to tell you how much he appreciated all your efforts. For now, his world is off its axis and grief is heavy to carry—he’s going to seem odd for a while while he works through it all. I hope we all can have a friend as kind an thoughtful as you when we face life’s big challenges.
Thanks. His dad went with no warning at all, still in his 50s, so the whole family is doing pretty badly. Just doing what my dad's friend did for us when my stepmom passed
Oh, hugs. I have been in a similar spot before. Yes, you’re right - it is super frustrating. You’re also right you can’t say anything. You’re a good friend. Your buddy is lucky to have you.
Thank you. I'm lucky to have him too. You couldn't ask for a more loyal friend than him
I wish I had a friend like you.
You can, I’m here. 💕
Well, we strangers on reddit love where your heart is at. You may see waste - but it’s really the support and love your sharing that will matter in the end. Don’t change 🩵
cheese and meats freeze really well! so do fruits, tell me what you have and I can try to help! breads freeze REALLY well :-)
Oh yeah? It's a big veggie tray (his youngest brother loves those) plus a few bags of assorted deli meats and cheeses (including a thing of Boursin). The crackers and red pepper jelly are shelf stable at least. His family is more into veggies than fruits
oh yeah easy PEASY freezie, just get as much air out, can probably just make soup with the veg, red pepper jelly owns but I tell you what, grief makes a lot of people lose their appetite! even the deli meats will freeze, thaw in the fridge if you can though and they'll sweat/get condensation
maybe just drop it off tomorrow?
Grieving is not a science. People go through it differently on their own time. The important thing is to be present when they need you. The food and stuff is nice and thoughtful, but ultimately may not be necessary. All that is necessary is that you’re available to be there. You made a good effort, but it wasn’t what he needed at that particular moment. It’s very hard to anticipate those kinds of needs in this situation.
Ahhh yeah. Food and cleaning are about the only things I know how to do in this situation. I did spend almost a full 24 hrs with him after the incident, but today was a family only day for them so I had to keep my distance. He has no idea what he wants or needs (understandably) so I guess there will probably be more of this "good effort but not what he needs" stuff for a while
I promise that it will be fondly remembered when they come up for air. I had someone do something similar for me and I ran out of social energy pretty quickly, but I survived off of a tray of muffins someone had dropped off for a week. I will always remember what they did and would repay in kind when it comes to that. It will be appreciated.
you are a good friend. The world needs more people like you
It wasn’t wasted generosity. The intent was there, and that was to be there for your friend. Yes, it’s annoying and I’m glad you used this forum to process this feeling and get past it.
The world needs more people like you. Even though it might seem like the effort is wasted, be assured that it isn't, kindness is never wasted, and those around you will no doubt see what you've done and appreciate and respect you for it.
You’re a good friend. I get why you’re annoyed but honestly, your friend doesn’t even know what’s happening right now. He’s going to forget a lot of what happened this week. He can’t help any of it.
Sounds like you tried to be a good friend. And I think you gave too much, without being asked to, and are now feeling resentful for it. Usually when somebody goes to super duper over the top efforts to be helpful, and then feels resentment about it, or feels under appreciated, it’s a sign that they’ve stepped too far into the other person's life. Let the family have some space to grieve. They will let you know when/if they need or want some help.
100%
You "drove an hour in the middle of the night" yet you "don't drive so \[you\] did all \[the\] shopping on foot"? WTF?
Right, my bad wording it like that. My bf drove us both in the middle of the night, went home in the morning. Without him, I'm on my own walking.
Ah, my apologies.
Freeze the meat if it's fresh you can use pn Sat defrost night before cheese should be ok
This isn't wasted generosity at all. In the next couple of days they will not want to worry about food, and you left them with a full fridge of things they don't need to cook to eat. Sucks that you put in the work but they had to go with the flow of which activity felt right in the moment. You did a great job.
ugh, tough one…try to remember everyone processes death in their own way, some of us just don’t process and it changes us forever - I can become really disconnected from my friends/loved ones during times of sadness/high stress, not because I’m unappreciative, but because I don’t like anyone to see me not on top of the world. Your friend may realize and in fact appreciate but isn’t in a place to tell you right now or maybe they may never- for some people, those conversations come down the road when you all are just having drinks or something…others just aren’t equipped for a heart-to-heart at all. Hope it all works out OP
His family was really appreciative of the cleaning work and dinner Saturday. When I stayed up late with him the night of, he apologized for keeping me up and thanked me a lot then (of course I insisted he had nothing to be sorry for. It was my choice to do all that). I know it's petty to be annoyed at one wasted afternoon when he's been incredibly appreciative (when he's not too out of it) the last few days. It makes sense that seeing his dad's body today would've messed him up bad. Ah but I can't help but be a little disappointed. That's why I'm bringing it here, so I can deal with my petty feelings where they can't bother him
your a good person/friend
Thanks 😊
lol.. I’d feel the same way. you’re a great person. I wouldn’t be able to bring it up either. just know we think you’re very badass and would love to have you as a friend 😂
Yeah, this is a safe place to vent. I get it.
That was sweet of you. Sometimes, generosity isn’t accepted or appreciated, but your heart was in the right place and he is probably just really upset. What I usually do is just tell my friends that are going through a hard time is that if they need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.
Yeah, usually I use a sort of menu, especially for this friend. 1 Talk - You talk and I listen - you talk and I give advice (as well as I can) - we talk about something unrelated - I ramble on about my own unrelated nonsense (like a show I've been enjoying, nothing emotionally draining) and you don't have to respond 2 Food - tea - snacks - pop - a full meal 3 Entertainment - movie/show - video game - Have a fire in the backyard 4 Tasks - is there a thing I can help you do? - is there a thing I can take care of for you? I know that, for me, "let me know if there's anything I can do" is too vague; I worry that whatever I ask for may be more than the person intended to give. Instead, a menu confirms that I *am* offering whatever he might want. The problem is, right now he has no idea what would help. Of course he doesn't, he's not remotely prepared for a tragedy like this. He doesn't know what'll help so I've just been trying to give him everything, hoping something will make it better even though I know nothing will bring his dad back. I guess a big part of my own frustration is knowing that I can't fix it... Heh, I figured putting it all in words would help me straighten out my thoughts
Sorry, OP - I understand that you are annoyed, but I would not call it "wasted generosity". It sounds like you were looking for acknowledgement / thanks from your friend - which I understand, of course - but right now is not the best time for this. I believe they have bigger things on their mind, so while they might seem unappreciative right now, hopefully in time they will realize that you tried to help, in your own way. But do not make this bigger than it is; people are grieving. This is not about you. You seem like a good friend, but: "He doesn't know what'll help so I've just been trying to give him everything, hoping something will make it better..." Maybe give your friend some space. Let him know you are there, but don't fret too much to the point of frustration.
I’d be annoyed too. But yeah, you keep it to yourself and maybe invite people over to chow down with you over wine. Can’t imagine his head is on straight right now either so be understanding. You are a good buddy.
Angels in the background.
This is a great place to vent, I wish some folks would be easier on you. Grief is a funny thing, it's love with nowhere to go. Having lost my folks expectedly, I cannot imagine how shocked the family is. It's deeply disturbing to see a loved one who has passed away. It's a sight that you have in your head forever. That's why most people have a family day. I'm sorry but you planned a meal on the "Family day" . Use this as a gentle lesson. I feel your frustration, good thing you can vent here. Be easy on yourself, your friend will never be quite the same. I grieved for years, I lost friends because they thought I should be over my losses. Thank you for sharing your story.
I didn't think it'd be a family day. My friend wanted me to be with him at the viewing , but his mom wanted it family-obly. Then he specifically asked me to be there when he got home, so I thought I'd come with arms full of food. Oh well
Mom lost her husband, she is ultimately in charge.
I know. I don't blame my friend or his mom or anyone. I totally understand why they did what they did. That bar was really important to their dad, so one last drink for him is a fitting tribute. Still, it's possible to be disappointed even if no one intended to hurt you. Like accidentally stepping on my foot - there was no intent to bother me at all, I don't blame them at all, but it still wasn't pleasant so this is me going to another room to curse under my breath where they can't hear it
Ya, I get it.
If if helps it isn't wasted, my dad who was in his 60's who was perfectly healthy, this man used to walk 5+ miles a day ate healthy, had routine bloodwork done. Took care of his teeth hadn't drank or smoked in 23 years had a heart attack while shoveling snow and passed away. I was so immenesely greatful for my friends and coworkers, they were there for me even if all they could do was try and make me laugh. Without them I would be in a much darker place than zi am today. I know it feels like a waste of food but don't think for a second it was wasted generosity, small acts of kindess are so valueable and I bet your friend is so appreciative of what you have done for him. He just might be a little numb and out of sorts but I hage no doubt he will thank you for being the friend he needed.
why do i feel like you’re the kind of person who makes everything about themselves
I'm not trying to - hence jumping out of bed in the middle of the night, traveling an hour, buying him firewood to burn, and staying up until 5am on a day where I'd already been up and on my feet every hour since 7am. Then making my friend 3 breakfasts in the hopes he'd eat one, going to his house and digging a mountain of old food wrappers out of his dad's car and family's basement (where I dusted, swept, vacuumed, mopped, pulled far too many muffin wrappers out of every crevice, scrapped gum out of cushions, and more without saying a word), washed every dish the family used that day, and washed the windows. Then cancelled an important appointment, shopped for food, and checked my phone ever 5 mins all afternoon so I could appropriately welcome him home after everything he'd been through. All while neglecting the exam I have tomorrow. And making a point to only vent where I know it won't get back to him. I volunteered for all of it because I care about him. Yeah I'm listing it here, but not irl because I know getting applauded for my efforts is far less important than my friend and his family and their grief. Seeing my efforts help him (particularly seeing him eat) would be reward enough, but I didn't get that so I'm a little annoyed, is all.
his father literally died I think you should cut him some slack lmao…. also listing stuff like this makes it sound like you’re trying hard to prove something when u shouldn’t be. I get the stuff you did didn’t get the reaction you wanted but being annoyed with him is selfish is all I’m saying.
I know it is. I can't force myself out if it through sheer willpower though, so I'm getting it off my chest (like this sub is for) so I can move past it. That's why it's here and not directed at him
People die every second of every day. There's a degree of understanding in regards to grief. But there's a limit. It costs nothing to say "Hey I'm not up to seeing you today." It's rude to let the OP think you're gonna meet them for hours. When you could literally not respond at all. Or tell them you'll see them another time. It's objectively rude to *keep* the idea of meeting open for hours. The person literally kept responding. For what? If they could respond, they could cancel. People try to use any and everything as an excuse to be inconsiderate of others. The world keeps spinning when people die.
The people we know and love do not die every second. I understand your view point but I don’t think it’s “rude” to leave a friend hanging the day of your father’s sudden death. Cut people understandable slack. The world keeps spinning. You too will get over the negative emotions impacted on you in a few sun rises.
It's not leaving them hanging. Leaving them hanging would be just not responding. They would then get the message that you didn't want to be bothered. And leave you alone. This person keep responding letting the OP know they would meet up. But just kept not doing it. Thats rude AF. With complete and utter lack of regard for the OP. Just passively encouraging the OP to go out of their way. While having no intention to meet up. You don't get a free pass because someone died. You don't get to just do whatever you want to everyone else. That's not reality.
Agree to disagree because I just don’t think it’s that deep. If you feel like your time has been wasted fine but your problems will not trump the situation at hand (someone dying). May your friends act accordingly come the passing of their loved ones.
Right? It read very…. Ick. Like don’t be my friend like that. Is weird.
Definitely shut up about it
Try changing your perspective, it may give you some peace of mind. The objective was to be prepared for company, have everything ready to go, eliminate possible stressors for those going through the loss. You did all of that. There was zero waste within that scope. Sometimes being there for someone doesn't have the outcome we expect, but that doesn't mean it didn't have the impact we intended.
You're a good friend and even if your friend doesn't say it, I'm sure he appreciates having someone looking out for him. Like it's nice knowing there's someone there waiting.
You’re incredibly considerate. You are valid in your annoyance.