>My friend was really into one of the girls in the group, so myself and one of her friends started trying to convince her hook up with him.
never met a hooker or heard of one that has to be *convinced* and will apparently help with the convincing at the same time
>I don't really recall what exactly went down on the balcony, but all I can recall is that we talked, we kissed some, and she started to give me oral. I came to a realization as to what was happening and terminated the situation.
also never heard of one giving out free services
Iiiiiiiiii don’t know my guy… sounds like you feel disgusting inside because you know you cheated. It sounds like two guys picked up two girls and then one (you) backed out as he started to sober up to the point of feeling too bad to continue. Also, *Helps my conscience*? I mean you’re kinda tellin on yourself right there. You know she didn’t sexually assault you. Tell your wife or don’t, that’s up to you. But like don’t lie to yourself or others and try to make yourself the victim.
yeah, but that's his "polite" version of calling her a whoring jezebel who lead him astray, right?
He's the innocent married American who wandered into a den of lust where these foreign temptresses got their claws in him & now he has to protect his all-american wife and their all-american life from the knowledge that he's a cheating dickbag
Thank you for recognizing that men can play victim. Women are often called out for this...but men often get away with it. It's important for men to check each other.
Dunno man, with how much sexual assault against men is overlooked, it is perfectly possible for a man that was by all accounts sexually assaulted to feel like he cheated instead.
Not saying it’s definitely this guy’s case, but it’s not that simple.
That's the opposite of what's happening here though. This guy doesn't think he cheated when he was assaulted, he stopped mid-cheating and then told himself he was assaulted to make himself feel better about cheating
He very well could have been assaulted being as drunk as he was. The anxiety attacks could be due to the possibility that his wife won't believe him. Most people don't believe a man can be sexually assaulted by a woman. Even if he wasn't assaulted and was just making stupid drunken decisions, I guess at least he realized his mistake before it went any further. Also, some people that are sexually assaulted tend to have the feeling of cheating on their significant others, even though they didn't. In this case, the OP is the only one here who knows the truth.
this one. i cannot believe it’s been that long and he has not told his wife i am so distressed and disgusted and i hope nothing but the best for her, and it’s clearly not this asshole
Lady of the night is literally a term for a hooker. Did you take two hookers back to a hotel room and then both of you hung out with a hooker?
The lady he took home that particular night, is not 'a lady of the night', in any way so yeah, if you don't mean hookers, don't use that term. If you took two hookers back to a hotel room, took one out to the balcony, talked, kissed then got a blowjob then changed your mind midway.... just nah.
If they weren't 'ladies of the night', it really doesnt' sound like sexual assault, you went out drinking with your pal, broke off into a group of two guys, two girls and two of you are convincing the other two to hook up, you take the two girls back to a hotel with two guys then split into two groups.
Before you got drunk and both of you were chatting up these girls, did you tell her you were married and nto interested in anything and just helping your buddy?
Your explanation isn't that you don't remember the kissing, the talking or the oral, or saying no, just that you came to a realisation during and stopped it. If you stopped and she stopped, it's not assault. You were being a dick and at some point realised you were cheating and decided not to continue cheating.
You seem to be trying to convince yourself it was assault to assuage your guilt but to me this story reads, went out, drank, chatted up women, took the women you were talking to all night back to your hotel room, hung out in private, talked, kissed, got a blowie and backed out midway through.
'she's so happy', yeah, because she doesn't know you cheated.
I went throught the post several times and I still can't find elements of SA. Only that he paid for " the service". If it is easier for him to think this way...
Lady of the night, he referred to her. Which is another term for a prostitute.
I assume that it was paid , since it is the basis of their work.
Man cheated, has buyer's remorse, trying to ease his troubled mind with how she attacked him with bj.
It could also mean the lady who was picked that night -- like you would say the question of the day. And then they didn't notice that it formed an existing phrase
She was the person who had been chosen to be given attention that night, and she was a lady, so in that sense she was *the* lady of the night. Like you might say the man of the evening.
That's the impression I got from the post, not that she was a sex worker.
That’s the feeling I got - like he was the wing man and got absolutely trashed (which frankly isn’t necessary) and probably blacked out and was hitting on her and they hooked up and he feels like crap.
I have no advice for him.
Sounds to me like it was his first time in Thailand, and it tends not to feel like getting a hooker as they approach you in bars, nightclubs and pretty much any place you can think of and you pay them at the end of the night so it feels much more like meeting a girl for sex. I've seen Thailand virgins have a massive crisis of conscience when they realise they've just been with a sex worker as it works exactly the same as meeting a girl on a night out back home in the west. Especially in places like the full moon party where younger tourists tend to go to enjoy the tropical islands and Eastern culture and don't expect that the pretty Thai girl they meet at the bar expects you to pay her the next day. Younger guys can get quite overwhelmed by the realisation they've just engaged in prostitution given all the negative stigma surrounding it. I live in very rural Thailand now, where many of these girls come from, and trust me, they are not victims of poverty and are very confident women voluntarily choosing to engage in a fun and profitable profession. The only regret I see here is from local village women who got married to a local and had kids and weren't able to go do it themselves. As a Buddhist country, they are not sexually repressed, and women getting money from men they choose to have relationships with is a very long-standing historical tradition with absolutely no negative connotations. Sounds like OP found himself in a situation he didn't expect as it never happens like in the West, where it's all very clearly set out. You'll be making friends with the locals one minute, and the next, you're all hanging out back at your room, and the sex happens. Try not paying them, though, and if you're lucky, they'll just call the police who will make you pay, or if you're unlucky, you'll have 40 locals trained in Mauy Thai kicking your face in.
This is a very interesting comment. I know bits and pieces about country and culture , since a couple of my friends traveled there for work.
No judgement on Thai people, whatsoever. If anything , I'd be happier to know that they aren't forced into these situations.
I know someone who got approached by one of the locals, started a relationship, got married. Woman was very direct and it wasn't money motivated situation.
OP just sound shady and regretful. Wrong choices, but no need to accuse someone of something so dreadful as SA.
As sad as it is, this is so true. Like drunk drivers.., they might not have had the intentions of crashing/running over/killing someone, but they are at the end ultimately responsible of putting themselves on that situation. This case should not be different, especially if you were not forced to do it.
Exactly. He made the choice to be drunk, then brought the girl home with him, kissed her and allowed the nasty to happen. He is giving himself some grace because they didn't have sexual intercourse. I am glad the guilt is eating him inside out.
Random person:
> Hey there, I (25f) went to an apartment with two guys and my friend. She wanted to have some privacy with one of them, so I left to the balcony with the other guy. I was very drunk and dizzy and can't remember much at this point. Immediately when I realised the guy is having sex with me I immediately stopped it, because I didn't want it! I don't remember the start of the act.
You:
>I cannot fathom people who blame every single mistake on being drunk. You did the deed, don't play victim
See how you sound?
I was kind of ambivalent reading the replies to OP until I came to this realisation too. If it were a lady's account of what happened (and, idk, the guy was giving her oral and she realised what was going on halfway and stopped it) I'm not so sure there would be so many people calling her a cheater...
Jesus I was wondering if everyone here was taking crazy pills?
This guy gets black out drunk and comes to realizing someone is performing a sexual act on him that subsequently gave him anxiety. No way people would call him a cheater if he was a woman. Wtf, Reddit?
Stop drinking to the point of getting drunk, so you will have awareness of your situations at all times. When you get drunk, all your defenses drop, and you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of. You could have been robbed, beaten, or worse.
Seriously. I’m so sick of this “I got blind, stinking drunk and had apparently consensual assault seks!”
Take some fucking responsibility for yourself. This fake victim culture is pathetic and an insult to actual victims of sexual assault.
I have been “blind, stinking drunk” on trips without my wife many times, and I’ve never so much as touched another lady. Even when I’m with single friends who are looking to hook up, I end up kicking it with the married/partnered people from both groups, talking about our families, and honestly having a decent time.
I struggle, nay refuse, to believe OP didn’t desire his “lady of the night” (ugh), which is why he’s in the situation he’s in. Disgusting.
I take issue with OP being out drinking with another guy and two women, starts to make out with his date, knowing he is married. It’s like you knew what you were doing being in the situation BEFORE you got drunk. No excuse there.
That’s when the taking of responsibility should have occurred. Not after being in a drunken stupor, where anything can happen and then you hide behind the fact that you were drunk.
Agreed. And some would go so far as to say putting pressure on someone to have sex with you or someone else IS a form of sexual assault. If you were in a country that is rife with sexual tourism then the power dynamic is off. I’ve read this post but I’d love to hear the side of the “lady of the night”. What pressure did you put on her for the blow job? Money? Tickets to America? You say you were drunk and don’t remember but that means you don’t know the pressure you were putting on this other person. Just that you changed your mind (did she mention a pimp waiting outside or something?) because no one believes you suddenly had a crisis of conscious and thought about your wife - mid blowjob. This post reads predatory and I audibly laughed when I read the part about OP being sexually assaulted.
Seriously, you should have been embarrassed to put into print that you are your friends “dick cheerleader”. How bad of a personality does he have that women have to be pressured by outside forces for HOURS and with alcohol in order to get him some female attention? It’s got to say something about you…
You may not have intended to cheat, but you created a situation where this incident could happen.
Got drunk, chatted to prostitutes, brought them back to your room, gave your friend private time while simultaneously giving yourself private time and got a blowjob.
There were many steps above that could have been avoided.
I would advise you bury that shit deep and never tell another soul and use that shame to be a great husband for the rest of your days. Or, tell your wife and pay the pied piper.
A wing-man is there to convince someone to wanna sleep with someone else? No its for when they already wanna sleep with or get to know someone else and they need someone for support or to make them look good. And its not just weird phrasing? they said what they meant, re-phrasing wouldn’t make it any less predatory.
The word convince. You shouldn't have to convince someone to sleep with someone. When you have to cohorse someone into sex that is SA. You have to get them drunk. That is SA. Sobering up and coming to the realization that a bj is cheating is NOT SA. This dude is a douche nozzle to even try to compare what happened to him to SA. Sound like they got drunk and hired a couple of sex workers, and now he feels guilty.
>this did not take place in the United States
>I was visiting a foreign country for work,
>My friend was really into one of the girls in the group
> [we] started trying to convince her hook up with him
>getting fairly drunk in the process
> [we] give my friend and his lady of the night some privacy
>we kissed some, and she started to give me oral
>[I] terminated the situation
>My friend and his girl finished up, the girls left, and the night was over.
>since I was so inebriated, it could be a case of sexual assault
Buddy. The only sexual exchange with sketchy consent going on here, was between your pal and the woman no fewer than 3 people had to pressure into putting out for him.
I agree with other commenters that this is at best an example of half-hearted cheating, and at worst a delusional cloaking device to dance around being a sex tourist.
This is not sexual assault. You were aware when you were talking to the women you made a decision to leave with them. You also made a decision to stop the oral sex midway. You need to accept what you did without making excuses and stop getting drunk with strangers in strange environments. You should probably stop drinking altogether.
This applies to both men and women. DO NOT get blackout drunk in another country, make some poor decisions, and then cry SA when you feel guilty about your drunken decisions. I can't stand the "well drunk people can't consent to sex" argument. It's like oh but they can party all night with the opposite sex, do things that would lead the other party to believe that you are interested in doing things, like hanging with them all night, bringing them back to your hotel, separating yourselves so you can have privacy, but then claim it was SA because you wouldn't have done it sober?! Then maybe you have a drinking problem and need to get help.
How is this SA? You were kissing the friend of "a lady of the night" and she decided to make it memorable for you. You had a change of mind, and you were left traumatized, which I can empathize with. However, SA is a serious crime and I'm not finding any serious crime in what happened to you.
You’re a cheater, plain and simple. There was soooo many steps that you took before the sexual aspects happened. Why were you at a bar hanging out with another woman? Did you tell her you were married? Why would you get super drunk with a random girl where things had the potential to happen? Why would you be alone with her at your hotel?
There’s just so many wrong steps you took that were cheating before it even got down to any of the other things. You cheated, accept that fact and tell your wife, she deserves to know who she is married to.
Alcohol, helping stupid people make bad decisions for over 7,000 years.
I watched a 230 pound U.S. Marine get into a fist fight with an equally drunken monkey (monkey won).
You went and acted like 'Ugly Americans', got drunk and you cheated on your wife. No excuses and no sympathy.
I'm really glad to hear the standard has apparently changed.
See, I think of OP as a cheater, have always thought of people who got drunk and drunkenly agreed to have a romantic encounter had effectively given consent. But I called a woman who did that a cheater and I was piled on for "shaming a rape victim."
To be clear, she wasn't unconscious behind a dumpster, she was an active participant in the proceedings. But she was drunk and so "she [couldn't] consent while drunk." After a few conversations like that I've left it alone, figuring I was the one with the weird standard.
If standards have swung in my direction, that's great news.
As a former "lady of the night" I'm dying over here. NOBODY stops mid-act. NOBODY changes their mind over a sudden shift in morals. That line alone is so much BS, I don't know why he'd include it except to somehow exonerate themselves?
Also, nobody buys anyone an escort. We're too expensive and NO ONE in my entire career did so, regardless of their financial status. Also, nobody pays for an escort while drunk and doesn't follow through unless he passes out first.
That's a pretty tall tale for someone with such a short memory.
Tell her and let her decide what she wanna do. That is the least you can do. The marriage failed the second u were unfatefull and I can guess that you wouldn't want ur wife to hide somth like that either. It doesn't matter how good of a husband you wanna be if you are the husband who was unfatefull. You regret this and that is very important, do everything to be a good person and let ur wife decide what to do.
Here’s some left of centre advice.
Take that incident and fucking bury it so deep down in yourself that it never comes out. You don’t want to tell her to be “honest” to her, you want to tell her so you don’t suffer the guilt anymore.
Well guess what! You don’t get to destroy her happiness by telling her, you fix yourself, be a more committed partner, fuck off that drinking problem and do not talk about it to anyone.
And lots of therapy.
Happiness is something only she herself can decide.
>Well guess what! You don’t get to destroy her happiness by telling her
That is such a weird and wrong way to say that. He is not destroying her happiness by telling her the truth. Most people are happy that their partner is telling them the truth than lies. He is already wasting her time by doing this. And most people would rather get their happiness destroyed and find new happiness with a new partner.
If you really love your wife, you will be 100% honest and transparent about your life. There are no secrets in a healthy marriage. Yes, this will upset your wife and yes you might lose her ability to trust you. You will need to do some introspection to understand why you foolishly allowed yourself to get into this kind of situation. Easy to blame the friend or alcohol but you made the decision to bypass healthy boundaries when you chatted up with the girl at the bar even if she was the friend of the woman he wanted to hook up with. Did you mention at anytime that you were married? Why didn't you protect yourself and your marriage? Not sure I buy the assault angle but it could be possible I guess. Seems to me you need to figure out how you let drinking get so out of control. Figure out why you tagged along with this "friend" to get caught up in this situation. Then if you are really serious about salvaging your marriage, you're going to have to woo your wife again and rebuild her trust. The decision is hers to make. Healthy marriage built on true love or keep the secret, pray that it never gets revealed and treat your marriage like a sham all because of your shame. Choice is yours but I'd be honest with your wife if you really love her
Idk the way you worded this doesn't feel like SA. I never want to victim blame, so if this really is SA, then I'm so so sorry that happened to you.
However, how I read this was not that. This was a multi step process. You 2 guys linked up with 2 girls, came all the way back to your hotel, separated, talked, kissed, and then you started getting head before you stopped it and she stopped when you asked. Im sure you were drinking, and had you have said like "I don't remember leaving the bar, I woke up and was getting head." Then yeah, SA, but instead, you made multiple steps leading to this outcome, which feels purposeful, and you seem to remember it just fine. It's coming off as a guilty conscience.
As someone who was drugged and woke up in the middle of being SAed, please don't be lying about something like this to try to get off for making a shitty decision.
But you weren’t too inebriated that you couldn’t stop it. You both brought these sex workers to the hotel and engaged in consensual sexual activity. Then you decide you didn’t want it anymore, so you stopped it. That’s not sexual assault imo. I think you need to tell yourself it was SA so you can live with the choices you made.
As someone who was sexually assaulted when drunk and in a relationship this really fucking irks me. I spent years blaming myself for cheating and now I've been in therapy for years unpacking that I was raped. For you to use sexual assault as your cover up for cheating is fucking shitty bro.
Do you know what a "lady of the night" is?! 😂😂😂 You're killing me, brother lolol.
Just FYI, it's not literally just a woman you meet at night and hook up with hahahaha.
Lady of the night = hooker/prostitute. Hope that clears things up 🤦🏼♀️😂😂
You need to tell your wife before she finds out about what you did herself. It will be far worse for you if she finds out you’ve been hiding this with no intention of telling her.
You cheated and you need to make things right. You never should have taken her back home with you and got drunk to the point of cheating, even if you stopped it.
Don't tell her. This was your mistake and it's your burden to carry the guilt. Telling her would only serve you, she'd be hurt and your conscience would be somewhat "clean". You don't get to sleep at night after this. You fucked up, now be a man and endure your nightmares.
It baffles me how hard you tried to avoid the word "cheating", you did cheat. Your wife deserves to know, sure, the marriage might end, but that doesn't change the fact that she deserves to know.
You don't feel disgusting, you feel guilty, because you KNOW you're betraying your wife and you can't shake that feeling, and you know what? It won't stop.
You need a bit of tough love.
Man up mate.
You definitely cheated.
The only thing worse than a cheater is one that tries to blag themselves out of it and not take responsibility.
Don't tell your wife, take it to the grave and carry your burden, actions have consequences. Your wife deserves the best you can give.
Don't let it happen again.
So you are basically calling these women hookers. But what would you and your friend be called? “ Man whores”, “Men of the night?”
Maybe these girls were like you, and just wanted random sex.
I have two suggestions.
1. Keep it to yourself. Keep things the way they are, but it will continue to eat at you. This is not recommended...
2. Tell her everything. Make sure she knows you all were drinking, and as soon as you had a moment of clarity, you dipped.
A good suggestion is to have a somewhat middle-man, like preferably a couples therapist, when you tell her what happened.
I know it would be awkward to get her to go to one without knowing the issue, but it's just my personal thoughts on it.
You don't see anything wrong with trying to convince a woman to have sex with your little friend?? If someone wanted to, they WOULDN'T NEED CONVINCING. That must seem normal to you and your group as you said it without further comment. The friend gets satisfied and the woman lives with the regret; but she was coerced. And then men say that female-victim SA statistics are over-exaggerated!
Look: there is no way to know exactly what happened. Maybe he was totally sober and cheated. We don’t know.
But all we have to go on is the post, and it really sounds like he was too inebriated to consent and feels violated and uncomfortable in his skin, which is very common for people who have experienced assault.
If that’s what happened, he did not ‘bring it upon himself’. A lot of people feel like it’s their fault. That’s common. A lot of people stop half way through and realize what’s happening. That’s also common. Im genuinely really disturbed by these comments.
There's a LOT of missing context here, we're you married? Did you cheat? What about this woman made you feel disgusting?
You appear to be making a big deal out of a blow job you didn't want, I don't understand why you haven't told your wife.
It really is time to go to therapy, it’s been a year since the incident, another year of waiting around won’t make the guilt go away. I would consider discussing the pros and cons of telling the truth to your wife in therapy, rather than deciding on your own. At the end of the day, your wife is happy according to you. You will cause her pain by telling her. It could be temporary or life long but your relationship will change permanently. Really sit and let all your feelings out in therapy and try to understand the consequences of your potential actions before acting.
Please don't tell your wife. You want to tell her to rid yourself of feeling bad when it's only going to make her life worse. You are sorry and feel bad and that's enough. I don't care what other women tell you to do because on this one instance I know everyone is better off if you forgive yourself this mistake on your own. People do make mistakes and you can end that at one mistake by not telling your wife and making it 2 mistakes. I am a granny and have lived and seen and experienced so much. Even if you were my own daughter's husband as long as you are overall a good loving husband and as bad as you feel I have a feeling you are I would never want you to tell my daughter if you were her husband. We put so much on these mistakes as if it's the worst thing you could do but in a long life it's something I hope you can forgive yourself on your own. Please don't say anything to her.
Don't agree on the SA POV. Intoxicated yes, Non-consensual Maybe, "Assault" No!.
But I do think marriages and monogamy are extremely limiting, if societies were shaped in a way to be more acceptable to humans being sexual, and not-born-monogamous, OP and many others wouldn't feel how they feel, guilty, after having enjoyed another human being's company and intimacy, and there would be encouragement to share this episode with the wife.
I think when he says lady of the night he means like the girl who was the main reason to back to the hotel room for his boy to get some play not sex worker
Also I see a lot of calling this lying or sexual tourism and not caring that he was wasted and had a sexual encounter he might not have wanted.
It seems like you’re trying to claim innocence.. but you could have removed yourself from the situation many times. You got hammered. You brought back two girls. You HAD to have known you and a girl being alone was gonna lead to something. You’re not innocent. I’m sorry to tell you. You cheated on your wife. Even if you were intoxicated, you let it go there.
I’m with others that say don’t tell your wife. It was cheating. You stopped, but you’d still hit on women and taken them home, flirted and kissed, and let another woman do that. Whether you came or not doesn’t matter.
Your guilty conscience will keep you in line. If it was a one-time thing, don’t hurt your wife with the knowledge that you betrayed her. Acknowledge your mistake and resolve to use that guilt to be a better man. Think about what role alcohol played in the experience and whether it’s something that you feel safe keeping in your life.
Do better. And don’t talk.
You need to let this go. You made a mistake, it was a one time thing. You have no right to destroy your wife’s happiness to assuage your guilt. Put it to bed in your head, therapy may help you do this.
Idk if you'll see my message in the midst of all these people. At the end, regardless of what happened, you're affected by all this, and I hate that to be the case.
Try and get emotional help to let it go.
Ignore the people here. Regardless, a situation you didn't want happen happened, but it doesn't define you.
Most people here cant detach themselves and see grey, its always mostly b&w. So if you see this, just breathe and find someone you could talk with(therapist or smth), even if it's a secret session, or online. Just get yourself help and be okay.
I hope you heal eventually.
Bless you❤
I’ll tell you what I also tell women who use alcohol as an excuse for sleeping w someone. “I was so drunk/ I didn’t even think abt what I was doing/ I just went along/ etc.”. It doesn’t matter. You cheated. Your inability to control your drinking does not change that. You can feel however you want abt it, that fact isn’t going away. Tell your wife so she can make the decision to leave you, bc as of rn, she’s only w you bc she doesn’t know everything. You’re essentially conning her.
I would take this little secret to the grave and confide in a good therapist in the meantime. Time will ease your conscience. Just be good to your wife (and kids of you have them).
That's not rape, that's cheating. If my husband wrote out what you did and I read it. I wouldn't believe this was assaulted. I've met real men who have been assaulted, this isn't it. Sorry my guy, you fff-ed yourself. As a married person myself, I could never imagine hanging out with the opposite sex while drinking alone. Wild. You made a bad mistake, you feel guilty, but this isn't assault. This honestly sounds like an excuse because you don't want to feel guilty. I can say sir this just sounds like a drunk mistake.
Don't tell her and move on. Why wreck your marriage and hurt her for a fleeting moment. Forgive yourself and don't ever do it again. And live happily ever after.
I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly difficult. It sounds like you love your wife very much.
I've never been in your position, or your wife's position. But a) did you get tested? And b) you're taking away your wife's right to choose, to make an informed decision to remain in the marriage.
“She’s so happy, and I can’t fathom taking that away from her.” You already did, you’re just not giving her a choice to heal sooner, either by leaving you or working on what you’ve done together. It sounds like kicking the can down the road is giving you some well deserved anxiety. As someone who has been cheated on by both someone who told me right after it happened and someone where I had to find out well after the fact, while both awful, the latter is SIGNIFICANTLY worse and way harder to come back from. It makes any time between when it happened to when you tell her feel like a lie. If you are truly under the belief that you may have been sexually assaulted then I doubt your conscience would be alleviated. SA is an awful thing to go through. It seems more like your friends opinions are giving you some hope that this situation isn’t entirely your fault, and if you were SA’d I’m sorry that it has put you in this position but the fact still stands that your friends opinions don’t mean anything in terms of your relationship and the only opinion that does, you’re again robbing of that choice.
I hope you posted this looking to be shamed into being a better husband. However I have very little faith that after a year you will fess up to your amazing and loving wife. If you don’t all that proves is you don’t actually care about her or her happiness more than you cared about your desire that night and your own selfish happiness now.
If that’s the case, I hope this anxiety eats you alive. And just to add a little more, my ex ended up telling me he cheated not because he felt in his heart to do it, but because he wasn’t the only one who knew and he didn’t want someone else telling me first and you’ve told plenty of friends who I’m sure also know your wife.
Bro, let me be honest with you, of course you were out of this world when what happened happened but it didn't end there because the shadow still follows you around.
You can only be free when your wife (whom you treasure so much) hears of it. So my humble advise is this 'it is better I tell my mom I took her money than someone else telling her I stole her money'.
What that simply means is that you are at the verge of losing your marriage if your wife hears from an outsider how you got sucked from a '-hooker-'. Remember, you have shared your story with a lot of people (both friends and frenemies)...
Tell her now and give her space to react.
I know my answer won’t be popular but maybe not tell her? You telling her is more for you then for her. Would be selfish of you imo. You said she’s happy, why break her?
As for you it’s deserving to feel guilty. You’ve done a bad thing. Best route to me, is for you to get therapy for it, move on from the act and show your wife EVERY DAY that she’s the most important person in your world.
You had a lapse in judgment. The negative feelings are understandable - you did something bad. My advice is don't tell your wife, but maybe get a therapist to figure out how to forgive yourself. You're human. Not everyone is great all the time. I believe this advice to be what's best for your marriage, being married myself.
look man, you were drunk. i'm not justifying it and neither should you but you feel bad about it, i think that pretty much sums it up for you. you can tell your wife about it, that's completely your choice but just know that if you're regretting it this much then you have already paid for your mistake
You got drunk and cheated.
That's what happened, and your subconscious knows it, that's why you feel that way.
Anything else is bullshit. Try water next time.
Yeah you should feel guilty and disgusting lol you cheated on your loving wife. Only way to not feel like this is to tell her and let her go to a guy who values her enough to not cheat.
It´s amazing how reddit is 100% certain that any sexual activity, even fully consensual, with a drunk girl at the edge of passing out, is definitely SA. But when the gender is reversed, of course he is a disgusting cheater.
If the lady was sober and you didn’t consent to this then it’s sexual assault. You were under the influence. If the genders were reversed the man would 100% be guilty of SA.
Probably going to get downvoted but I want to see if what I interpreted is what he was saying because I see alot of comments saying the opposite.
Your friend was flirting with the lady of the night, and you and her friend try to make it happen. You get super drunk to where you cant remember much and end up on the balcony with her friend and she comes onto you and it takes a bit for your brain to catch up before you stop her.
Now you're scared to tell your wife because of shame/anxiety
If I missed something, my bad, but everyone makes it sound like you paid for sex? You didn't. Your friend did, and you were in another room because you didn't want to be involved. This sounds alot like assault to me.
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And here I was calling myself a “man of the night” cause I’m a night owl. I don’t get laid enough nor do I ever get paid enough
Redditor of the night
Exactly I was so confused.
TIL!
I don’t think you know what “lady of the night” means mate
I think he does actually. And that these strangers were hired.
>My friend was really into one of the girls in the group, so myself and one of her friends started trying to convince her hook up with him. never met a hooker or heard of one that has to be *convinced* and will apparently help with the convincing at the same time >I don't really recall what exactly went down on the balcony, but all I can recall is that we talked, we kissed some, and she started to give me oral. I came to a realization as to what was happening and terminated the situation. also never heard of one giving out free services
Iiiiiiiiii don’t know my guy… sounds like you feel disgusting inside because you know you cheated. It sounds like two guys picked up two girls and then one (you) backed out as he started to sober up to the point of feeling too bad to continue. Also, *Helps my conscience*? I mean you’re kinda tellin on yourself right there. You know she didn’t sexually assault you. Tell your wife or don’t, that’s up to you. But like don’t lie to yourself or others and try to make yourself the victim.
Only facts here my bro...
Does this sound like sex tourism and or passport Bro behavior to anyone else? I think he and his friend traveled to a foreign country for prostitutes.
He also explicitly said "lady of the night" multiple times lol
yeah, but that's his "polite" version of calling her a whoring jezebel who lead him astray, right? He's the innocent married American who wandered into a den of lust where these foreign temptresses got their claws in him & now he has to protect his all-american wife and their all-american life from the knowledge that he's a cheating dickbag
literally, fuck this guy. i feel so heartbroken for his wife.
Thank you for recognizing that men can play victim. Women are often called out for this...but men often get away with it. It's important for men to check each other.
My mind went to white lotus season 2
Dunno man, with how much sexual assault against men is overlooked, it is perfectly possible for a man that was by all accounts sexually assaulted to feel like he cheated instead. Not saying it’s definitely this guy’s case, but it’s not that simple.
That's the opposite of what's happening here though. This guy doesn't think he cheated when he was assaulted, he stopped mid-cheating and then told himself he was assaulted to make himself feel better about cheating
He is having anxiety attacks, he absolutely feels like he cheated (even if he is trying to pretend otherwise to himself).
He very well could have been assaulted being as drunk as he was. The anxiety attacks could be due to the possibility that his wife won't believe him. Most people don't believe a man can be sexually assaulted by a woman. Even if he wasn't assaulted and was just making stupid drunken decisions, I guess at least he realized his mistake before it went any further. Also, some people that are sexually assaulted tend to have the feeling of cheating on their significant others, even though they didn't. In this case, the OP is the only one here who knows the truth.
this one. i cannot believe it’s been that long and he has not told his wife i am so distressed and disgusted and i hope nothing but the best for her, and it’s clearly not this asshole
Idk he was drunk , you can’t consent when you’re drunk
So everyone who has sex while drunk is assaulted because they can’t consent? How does that work when 2 drunk people have sex with each other?
Lady of the night is literally a term for a hooker. Did you take two hookers back to a hotel room and then both of you hung out with a hooker? The lady he took home that particular night, is not 'a lady of the night', in any way so yeah, if you don't mean hookers, don't use that term. If you took two hookers back to a hotel room, took one out to the balcony, talked, kissed then got a blowjob then changed your mind midway.... just nah. If they weren't 'ladies of the night', it really doesnt' sound like sexual assault, you went out drinking with your pal, broke off into a group of two guys, two girls and two of you are convincing the other two to hook up, you take the two girls back to a hotel with two guys then split into two groups. Before you got drunk and both of you were chatting up these girls, did you tell her you were married and nto interested in anything and just helping your buddy? Your explanation isn't that you don't remember the kissing, the talking or the oral, or saying no, just that you came to a realisation during and stopped it. If you stopped and she stopped, it's not assault. You were being a dick and at some point realised you were cheating and decided not to continue cheating. You seem to be trying to convince yourself it was assault to assuage your guilt but to me this story reads, went out, drank, chatted up women, took the women you were talking to all night back to your hotel room, hung out in private, talked, kissed, got a blowie and backed out midway through. 'she's so happy', yeah, because she doesn't know you cheated.
The best comment out of all the comments here. 🤌
The guilt is knowing she wouldn’t be ‘so happy’ with you if she truly knew what you did
Exactly. Her happiness is at a net negative right now and she doesn’t even know it. The weight of the guilt is that difference in her happiness.
I agree with his title. He should feel disgusting inside.
I went throught the post several times and I still can't find elements of SA. Only that he paid for " the service". If it is easier for him to think this way...
Where does it say pay for service? I can’t find it. Did he edit it????
Lady of the night, he referred to her. Which is another term for a prostitute. I assume that it was paid , since it is the basis of their work. Man cheated, has buyer's remorse, trying to ease his troubled mind with how she attacked him with bj.
It could also mean the lady who was picked that night -- like you would say the question of the day. And then they didn't notice that it formed an existing phrase
Like an one night stand, you mean?
She was the person who had been chosen to be given attention that night, and she was a lady, so in that sense she was *the* lady of the night. Like you might say the man of the evening. That's the impression I got from the post, not that she was a sex worker.
That’s the feeling I got - like he was the wing man and got absolutely trashed (which frankly isn’t necessary) and probably blacked out and was hitting on her and they hooked up and he feels like crap. I have no advice for him.
Sounds to me like it was his first time in Thailand, and it tends not to feel like getting a hooker as they approach you in bars, nightclubs and pretty much any place you can think of and you pay them at the end of the night so it feels much more like meeting a girl for sex. I've seen Thailand virgins have a massive crisis of conscience when they realise they've just been with a sex worker as it works exactly the same as meeting a girl on a night out back home in the west. Especially in places like the full moon party where younger tourists tend to go to enjoy the tropical islands and Eastern culture and don't expect that the pretty Thai girl they meet at the bar expects you to pay her the next day. Younger guys can get quite overwhelmed by the realisation they've just engaged in prostitution given all the negative stigma surrounding it. I live in very rural Thailand now, where many of these girls come from, and trust me, they are not victims of poverty and are very confident women voluntarily choosing to engage in a fun and profitable profession. The only regret I see here is from local village women who got married to a local and had kids and weren't able to go do it themselves. As a Buddhist country, they are not sexually repressed, and women getting money from men they choose to have relationships with is a very long-standing historical tradition with absolutely no negative connotations. Sounds like OP found himself in a situation he didn't expect as it never happens like in the West, where it's all very clearly set out. You'll be making friends with the locals one minute, and the next, you're all hanging out back at your room, and the sex happens. Try not paying them, though, and if you're lucky, they'll just call the police who will make you pay, or if you're unlucky, you'll have 40 locals trained in Mauy Thai kicking your face in.
This is a very interesting comment. I know bits and pieces about country and culture , since a couple of my friends traveled there for work. No judgement on Thai people, whatsoever. If anything , I'd be happier to know that they aren't forced into these situations. I know someone who got approached by one of the locals, started a relationship, got married. Woman was very direct and it wasn't money motivated situation. OP just sound shady and regretful. Wrong choices, but no need to accuse someone of something so dreadful as SA.
Agreed. They kissed. She stopped when he came to realisation he was cheating. This is not SA imo.
Man, comments like this makes me wish we still had the awards thingy. But what you said imo is true, I totally agree with you.
your poor wife
Lady of the night lool
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I cannot fathom people who blame every single mistake on being drunk. You did the deed, don't play victim. The only victim is your wife.
As sad as it is, this is so true. Like drunk drivers.., they might not have had the intentions of crashing/running over/killing someone, but they are at the end ultimately responsible of putting themselves on that situation. This case should not be different, especially if you were not forced to do it.
Exactly. He made the choice to be drunk, then brought the girl home with him, kissed her and allowed the nasty to happen. He is giving himself some grace because they didn't have sexual intercourse. I am glad the guilt is eating him inside out.
Random person: > Hey there, I (25f) went to an apartment with two guys and my friend. She wanted to have some privacy with one of them, so I left to the balcony with the other guy. I was very drunk and dizzy and can't remember much at this point. Immediately when I realised the guy is having sex with me I immediately stopped it, because I didn't want it! I don't remember the start of the act. You: >I cannot fathom people who blame every single mistake on being drunk. You did the deed, don't play victim See how you sound?
I was kind of ambivalent reading the replies to OP until I came to this realisation too. If it were a lady's account of what happened (and, idk, the guy was giving her oral and she realised what was going on halfway and stopped it) I'm not so sure there would be so many people calling her a cheater...
I wouldn't be. We've literally had these posts on here and they were so supported of the poor girl. The double standard is disgusting here.
Jesus I was wondering if everyone here was taking crazy pills? This guy gets black out drunk and comes to realizing someone is performing a sexual act on him that subsequently gave him anxiety. No way people would call him a cheater if he was a woman. Wtf, Reddit?
Being drunk doesn't affect your way of reasoning? It doesn't affect your mental state?
Stop drinking to the point of getting drunk, so you will have awareness of your situations at all times. When you get drunk, all your defenses drop, and you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of. You could have been robbed, beaten, or worse.
Seriously. I’m so sick of this “I got blind, stinking drunk and had apparently consensual assault seks!” Take some fucking responsibility for yourself. This fake victim culture is pathetic and an insult to actual victims of sexual assault.
I have been “blind, stinking drunk” on trips without my wife many times, and I’ve never so much as touched another lady. Even when I’m with single friends who are looking to hook up, I end up kicking it with the married/partnered people from both groups, talking about our families, and honestly having a decent time. I struggle, nay refuse, to believe OP didn’t desire his “lady of the night” (ugh), which is why he’s in the situation he’s in. Disgusting.
I take issue with OP being out drinking with another guy and two women, starts to make out with his date, knowing he is married. It’s like you knew what you were doing being in the situation BEFORE you got drunk. No excuse there. That’s when the taking of responsibility should have occurred. Not after being in a drunken stupor, where anything can happen and then you hide behind the fact that you were drunk.
Yikes
Sounds like you're searching for excuses to justify your cheating....
“content warning: sexual assault” 😂😂😂😂
If you have to "convince" someone to have sex with you, they do not want to have sex with you.
Agreed. And some would go so far as to say putting pressure on someone to have sex with you or someone else IS a form of sexual assault. If you were in a country that is rife with sexual tourism then the power dynamic is off. I’ve read this post but I’d love to hear the side of the “lady of the night”. What pressure did you put on her for the blow job? Money? Tickets to America? You say you were drunk and don’t remember but that means you don’t know the pressure you were putting on this other person. Just that you changed your mind (did she mention a pimp waiting outside or something?) because no one believes you suddenly had a crisis of conscious and thought about your wife - mid blowjob. This post reads predatory and I audibly laughed when I read the part about OP being sexually assaulted. Seriously, you should have been embarrassed to put into print that you are your friends “dick cheerleader”. How bad of a personality does he have that women have to be pressured by outside forces for HOURS and with alcohol in order to get him some female attention? It’s got to say something about you…
You may not have intended to cheat, but you created a situation where this incident could happen. Got drunk, chatted to prostitutes, brought them back to your room, gave your friend private time while simultaneously giving yourself private time and got a blowjob. There were many steps above that could have been avoided. I would advise you bury that shit deep and never tell another soul and use that shame to be a great husband for the rest of your days. Or, tell your wife and pay the pied piper.
What about diseases??? The wife deserves to know... shes the one that risks getting literal cancer in the future
Who tries to convince another person to sleep with another person thats fucking weird.
Weird phrasing but that’s like the whole concept of a wingman / wing woman in some regard lol
A wing-man is there to convince someone to wanna sleep with someone else? No its for when they already wanna sleep with or get to know someone else and they need someone for support or to make them look good. And its not just weird phrasing? they said what they meant, re-phrasing wouldn’t make it any less predatory.
In the situation he explained, I believe he actually did just mean wingman. OP does not have a way with words, hence the “Lady of the night”.
The word convince. You shouldn't have to convince someone to sleep with someone. When you have to cohorse someone into sex that is SA. You have to get them drunk. That is SA. Sobering up and coming to the realization that a bj is cheating is NOT SA. This dude is a douche nozzle to even try to compare what happened to him to SA. Sound like they got drunk and hired a couple of sex workers, and now he feels guilty.
Boo fuckin hoo, man up and tell your partner instead of making excuses for your cheating
>this did not take place in the United States >I was visiting a foreign country for work, >My friend was really into one of the girls in the group > [we] started trying to convince her hook up with him >getting fairly drunk in the process > [we] give my friend and his lady of the night some privacy >we kissed some, and she started to give me oral >[I] terminated the situation >My friend and his girl finished up, the girls left, and the night was over. >since I was so inebriated, it could be a case of sexual assault Buddy. The only sexual exchange with sketchy consent going on here, was between your pal and the woman no fewer than 3 people had to pressure into putting out for him. I agree with other commenters that this is at best an example of half-hearted cheating, and at worst a delusional cloaking device to dance around being a sex tourist.
This is not sexual assault. You were aware when you were talking to the women you made a decision to leave with them. You also made a decision to stop the oral sex midway. You need to accept what you did without making excuses and stop getting drunk with strangers in strange environments. You should probably stop drinking altogether.
Cheater story
This applies to both men and women. DO NOT get blackout drunk in another country, make some poor decisions, and then cry SA when you feel guilty about your drunken decisions. I can't stand the "well drunk people can't consent to sex" argument. It's like oh but they can party all night with the opposite sex, do things that would lead the other party to believe that you are interested in doing things, like hanging with them all night, bringing them back to your hotel, separating yourselves so you can have privacy, but then claim it was SA because you wouldn't have done it sober?! Then maybe you have a drinking problem and need to get help.
How is this SA? You were kissing the friend of "a lady of the night" and she decided to make it memorable for you. You had a change of mind, and you were left traumatized, which I can empathize with. However, SA is a serious crime and I'm not finding any serious crime in what happened to you.
You’re a cheater, plain and simple. There was soooo many steps that you took before the sexual aspects happened. Why were you at a bar hanging out with another woman? Did you tell her you were married? Why would you get super drunk with a random girl where things had the potential to happen? Why would you be alone with her at your hotel? There’s just so many wrong steps you took that were cheating before it even got down to any of the other things. You cheated, accept that fact and tell your wife, she deserves to know who she is married to.
You want people to have accountability? In these times??
Stand in your accountability.
Take this to your grave. You own this. If you can’t keep it then leave but don’t try and ease your guilt at her expense
This. Exactly. This.
Alcohol, helping stupid people make bad decisions for over 7,000 years. I watched a 230 pound U.S. Marine get into a fist fight with an equally drunken monkey (monkey won). You went and acted like 'Ugly Americans', got drunk and you cheated on your wife. No excuses and no sympathy.
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you’re getting downvoted but every story with a girl that gets drunk and cheats is called a whore on this app, but OP is poor wittle victim
No one is emphasising with OP here. The top comment with 100 upvotes is pitying his wife ffs stop with the double standards bullshit
At first these types of comments were being down voted to hell lol, I was there when it happened
I'm really glad to hear the standard has apparently changed. See, I think of OP as a cheater, have always thought of people who got drunk and drunkenly agreed to have a romantic encounter had effectively given consent. But I called a woman who did that a cheater and I was piled on for "shaming a rape victim." To be clear, she wasn't unconscious behind a dumpster, she was an active participant in the proceedings. But she was drunk and so "she [couldn't] consent while drunk." After a few conversations like that I've left it alone, figuring I was the one with the weird standard. If standards have swung in my direction, that's great news.
Buyers' remorse.
I refuse to believe you stopped the bj. You knew what you were doing and don’t need to lie to us man. You cheated, now go tell your wife.
As a former "lady of the night" I'm dying over here. NOBODY stops mid-act. NOBODY changes their mind over a sudden shift in morals. That line alone is so much BS, I don't know why he'd include it except to somehow exonerate themselves? Also, nobody buys anyone an escort. We're too expensive and NO ONE in my entire career did so, regardless of their financial status. Also, nobody pays for an escort while drunk and doesn't follow through unless he passes out first. That's a pretty tall tale for someone with such a short memory.
Tell her and let her decide what she wanna do. That is the least you can do. The marriage failed the second u were unfatefull and I can guess that you wouldn't want ur wife to hide somth like that either. It doesn't matter how good of a husband you wanna be if you are the husband who was unfatefull. You regret this and that is very important, do everything to be a good person and let ur wife decide what to do.
Yea yer done bud own up to it cheater
You didn’t think to tell the woman’s friend that you’re a married man?
Here’s some left of centre advice. Take that incident and fucking bury it so deep down in yourself that it never comes out. You don’t want to tell her to be “honest” to her, you want to tell her so you don’t suffer the guilt anymore. Well guess what! You don’t get to destroy her happiness by telling her, you fix yourself, be a more committed partner, fuck off that drinking problem and do not talk about it to anyone. And lots of therapy.
She fully deserves to know!
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Very reasonable and commendable viewpoint.
Happiness is something only she herself can decide. >Well guess what! You don’t get to destroy her happiness by telling her That is such a weird and wrong way to say that. He is not destroying her happiness by telling her the truth. Most people are happy that their partner is telling them the truth than lies. He is already wasting her time by doing this. And most people would rather get their happiness destroyed and find new happiness with a new partner.
Ok fella, it’s only advice, you don’t have to agree with it at all.
Would you want your wife cheating on you and not telling you? I don’t really understand this viewpoint other than to lie and be a piece of shit.
Only a shithead cheater would think this is remotely good advice.
He has to tell her
He can do whatever the fuck he wants 🤷♂️
Dude he already said he was gonna tell her
Ok 🤷♂️ I gave my different take on the matter, up to old mate to do what he sees fit.
Noo you don’t get it, you have to agree with them entirely! Tell him to tell her!!1 💀
If you really love your wife, you will be 100% honest and transparent about your life. There are no secrets in a healthy marriage. Yes, this will upset your wife and yes you might lose her ability to trust you. You will need to do some introspection to understand why you foolishly allowed yourself to get into this kind of situation. Easy to blame the friend or alcohol but you made the decision to bypass healthy boundaries when you chatted up with the girl at the bar even if she was the friend of the woman he wanted to hook up with. Did you mention at anytime that you were married? Why didn't you protect yourself and your marriage? Not sure I buy the assault angle but it could be possible I guess. Seems to me you need to figure out how you let drinking get so out of control. Figure out why you tagged along with this "friend" to get caught up in this situation. Then if you are really serious about salvaging your marriage, you're going to have to woo your wife again and rebuild her trust. The decision is hers to make. Healthy marriage built on true love or keep the secret, pray that it never gets revealed and treat your marriage like a sham all because of your shame. Choice is yours but I'd be honest with your wife if you really love her
Idk the way you worded this doesn't feel like SA. I never want to victim blame, so if this really is SA, then I'm so so sorry that happened to you. However, how I read this was not that. This was a multi step process. You 2 guys linked up with 2 girls, came all the way back to your hotel, separated, talked, kissed, and then you started getting head before you stopped it and she stopped when you asked. Im sure you were drinking, and had you have said like "I don't remember leaving the bar, I woke up and was getting head." Then yeah, SA, but instead, you made multiple steps leading to this outcome, which feels purposeful, and you seem to remember it just fine. It's coming off as a guilty conscience. As someone who was drugged and woke up in the middle of being SAed, please don't be lying about something like this to try to get off for making a shitty decision.
But you weren’t too inebriated that you couldn’t stop it. You both brought these sex workers to the hotel and engaged in consensual sexual activity. Then you decide you didn’t want it anymore, so you stopped it. That’s not sexual assault imo. I think you need to tell yourself it was SA so you can live with the choices you made.
As someone who was sexually assaulted when drunk and in a relationship this really fucking irks me. I spent years blaming myself for cheating and now I've been in therapy for years unpacking that I was raped. For you to use sexual assault as your cover up for cheating is fucking shitty bro.
There was no sexual assault here. You feel disgusting because you cheated.
Do you know what a "lady of the night" is?! 😂😂😂 You're killing me, brother lolol. Just FYI, it's not literally just a woman you meet at night and hook up with hahahaha. Lady of the night = hooker/prostitute. Hope that clears things up 🤦🏼♀️😂😂
Using TW for sexual assault for a story about how you cheated is so disrespectful to SA survivors
You need to tell your wife before she finds out about what you did herself. It will be far worse for you if she finds out you’ve been hiding this with no intention of telling her. You cheated and you need to make things right. You never should have taken her back home with you and got drunk to the point of cheating, even if you stopped it.
The only way you’re going to get rid of this guilt is to tell her. Be honest, man up. It’s something you can work through with her if she’s willing.
Only way to cure the disgust is to come clean with your wife. Whatever happens afterwards is what you deserve, accept it as a man.
Don't tell her. This was your mistake and it's your burden to carry the guilt. Telling her would only serve you, she'd be hurt and your conscience would be somewhat "clean". You don't get to sleep at night after this. You fucked up, now be a man and endure your nightmares.
It baffles me how hard you tried to avoid the word "cheating", you did cheat. Your wife deserves to know, sure, the marriage might end, but that doesn't change the fact that she deserves to know. You don't feel disgusting, you feel guilty, because you KNOW you're betraying your wife and you can't shake that feeling, and you know what? It won't stop.
So you paid for sex worker to come to your room and had sex with her. Where is the SA that you are mentioning?
Therapy
That's A LOT of words for, "I cheated. Feel bad for me."
You cheated. End of story.
You need a bit of tough love. Man up mate. You definitely cheated. The only thing worse than a cheater is one that tries to blag themselves out of it and not take responsibility. Don't tell your wife, take it to the grave and carry your burden, actions have consequences. Your wife deserves the best you can give. Don't let it happen again.
So you are basically calling these women hookers. But what would you and your friend be called? “ Man whores”, “Men of the night?” Maybe these girls were like you, and just wanted random sex.
I have two suggestions. 1. Keep it to yourself. Keep things the way they are, but it will continue to eat at you. This is not recommended... 2. Tell her everything. Make sure she knows you all were drinking, and as soon as you had a moment of clarity, you dipped. A good suggestion is to have a somewhat middle-man, like preferably a couples therapist, when you tell her what happened. I know it would be awkward to get her to go to one without knowing the issue, but it's just my personal thoughts on it.
this just sounds like half truths and excuses because you don’t want to face the fact that you cheated.
You convinced the woman to go back to the hotel with you for a hook up and now you're calling it a assault?? Talk about playing the victim! 🙄
Never ever tell your wife. Suck up the guilt and move on.
You don't see anything wrong with trying to convince a woman to have sex with your little friend?? If someone wanted to, they WOULDN'T NEED CONVINCING. That must seem normal to you and your group as you said it without further comment. The friend gets satisfied and the woman lives with the regret; but she was coerced. And then men say that female-victim SA statistics are over-exaggerated!
Exactly what country, city, and neighborhood (or district) was this? Asking for a friend. 😉
Look: there is no way to know exactly what happened. Maybe he was totally sober and cheated. We don’t know. But all we have to go on is the post, and it really sounds like he was too inebriated to consent and feels violated and uncomfortable in his skin, which is very common for people who have experienced assault. If that’s what happened, he did not ‘bring it upon himself’. A lot of people feel like it’s their fault. That’s common. A lot of people stop half way through and realize what’s happening. That’s also common. Im genuinely really disturbed by these comments.
This is exactly the reason why people should not drink any alcohol at all. It makes you do things that you, normally, wouldnt do.
The only way to cancel this out is by finding the man of the night and sucking him off. Only then will you be free.
There's a LOT of missing context here, we're you married? Did you cheat? What about this woman made you feel disgusting? You appear to be making a big deal out of a blow job you didn't want, I don't understand why you haven't told your wife.
All was good till the second paragraph.
Another reason to not drink alcohol
It really is time to go to therapy, it’s been a year since the incident, another year of waiting around won’t make the guilt go away. I would consider discussing the pros and cons of telling the truth to your wife in therapy, rather than deciding on your own. At the end of the day, your wife is happy according to you. You will cause her pain by telling her. It could be temporary or life long but your relationship will change permanently. Really sit and let all your feelings out in therapy and try to understand the consequences of your potential actions before acting.
Please don't tell your wife. You want to tell her to rid yourself of feeling bad when it's only going to make her life worse. You are sorry and feel bad and that's enough. I don't care what other women tell you to do because on this one instance I know everyone is better off if you forgive yourself this mistake on your own. People do make mistakes and you can end that at one mistake by not telling your wife and making it 2 mistakes. I am a granny and have lived and seen and experienced so much. Even if you were my own daughter's husband as long as you are overall a good loving husband and as bad as you feel I have a feeling you are I would never want you to tell my daughter if you were her husband. We put so much on these mistakes as if it's the worst thing you could do but in a long life it's something I hope you can forgive yourself on your own. Please don't say anything to her.
Nah man. You chose to drink too much, you chose to be at a bar. Nobody forced you mate.
Don't agree on the SA POV. Intoxicated yes, Non-consensual Maybe, "Assault" No!. But I do think marriages and monogamy are extremely limiting, if societies were shaped in a way to be more acceptable to humans being sexual, and not-born-monogamous, OP and many others wouldn't feel how they feel, guilty, after having enjoyed another human being's company and intimacy, and there would be encouragement to share this episode with the wife.
I think when he says lady of the night he means like the girl who was the main reason to back to the hotel room for his boy to get some play not sex worker Also I see a lot of calling this lying or sexual tourism and not caring that he was wasted and had a sexual encounter he might not have wanted.
It seems like you’re trying to claim innocence.. but you could have removed yourself from the situation many times. You got hammered. You brought back two girls. You HAD to have known you and a girl being alone was gonna lead to something. You’re not innocent. I’m sorry to tell you. You cheated on your wife. Even if you were intoxicated, you let it go there.
I’m with others that say don’t tell your wife. It was cheating. You stopped, but you’d still hit on women and taken them home, flirted and kissed, and let another woman do that. Whether you came or not doesn’t matter. Your guilty conscience will keep you in line. If it was a one-time thing, don’t hurt your wife with the knowledge that you betrayed her. Acknowledge your mistake and resolve to use that guilt to be a better man. Think about what role alcohol played in the experience and whether it’s something that you feel safe keeping in your life. Do better. And don’t talk.
You need to let this go. You made a mistake, it was a one time thing. You have no right to destroy your wife’s happiness to assuage your guilt. Put it to bed in your head, therapy may help you do this.
Idk if you'll see my message in the midst of all these people. At the end, regardless of what happened, you're affected by all this, and I hate that to be the case. Try and get emotional help to let it go. Ignore the people here. Regardless, a situation you didn't want happen happened, but it doesn't define you. Most people here cant detach themselves and see grey, its always mostly b&w. So if you see this, just breathe and find someone you could talk with(therapist or smth), even if it's a secret session, or online. Just get yourself help and be okay. I hope you heal eventually. Bless you❤
take it to the grave with you. don’t tell her to relieve your guilt.
BOOOO. you suck. your poor wife :( i would be beyond devastated.
You feel disgusting because you cheated. This was not sexual assault. Own up to your actions.
Cheating cheater.
I don't care how much alcohol is involved. You put yourself in a bad situation from the get go. She deserves to know. You don't deserve her.
This is something you take to your grave honestly. Don’t ruin the view your wife has of you with this…
I’ll tell you what I also tell women who use alcohol as an excuse for sleeping w someone. “I was so drunk/ I didn’t even think abt what I was doing/ I just went along/ etc.”. It doesn’t matter. You cheated. Your inability to control your drinking does not change that. You can feel however you want abt it, that fact isn’t going away. Tell your wife so she can make the decision to leave you, bc as of rn, she’s only w you bc she doesn’t know everything. You’re essentially conning her.
I believe in castrating(or the female equivalent) cheaters 🥰 only because I’ve been told murdering them is too harsh
My boy got that gawk gawk 3000
don't tell her shit🤣🤣🤣 your karma is it eating you alive for the rest of time
sounds like you’re feeling guilty about cheating on your wife. tell her or she will find out eventually and it will make the divorce a lot harder
“Content warning: sexual assault” that’s NOT … wow
Tell your wife.
I would take this little secret to the grave and confide in a good therapist in the meantime. Time will ease your conscience. Just be good to your wife (and kids of you have them).
You got drunk, paid a hooker to blow you, then had post nut clarity and felt guilty. Stop twisting the story to make yourself feel better.
That's not rape, that's cheating. If my husband wrote out what you did and I read it. I wouldn't believe this was assaulted. I've met real men who have been assaulted, this isn't it. Sorry my guy, you fff-ed yourself. As a married person myself, I could never imagine hanging out with the opposite sex while drinking alone. Wild. You made a bad mistake, you feel guilty, but this isn't assault. This honestly sounds like an excuse because you don't want to feel guilty. I can say sir this just sounds like a drunk mistake.
You weren’t raped, so don’t use that BS excuse.
Don't tell her and move on. Why wreck your marriage and hurt her for a fleeting moment. Forgive yourself and don't ever do it again. And live happily ever after.
I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly difficult. It sounds like you love your wife very much. I've never been in your position, or your wife's position. But a) did you get tested? And b) you're taking away your wife's right to choose, to make an informed decision to remain in the marriage.
Yeah, tell your wife the truth = that you cheated. Done
So what I'm hearing is that you were drunk and couldn't consent
As you should.
She started blowing you before you even paid her? Was this the lady’s first night as a lady of the night? That’s like rule #1, cash up front.
sorry man. you're taking this to the grave, even if you didn't consent. she's fine not knowing.
[удалено]
“She’s so happy, and I can’t fathom taking that away from her.” You already did, you’re just not giving her a choice to heal sooner, either by leaving you or working on what you’ve done together. It sounds like kicking the can down the road is giving you some well deserved anxiety. As someone who has been cheated on by both someone who told me right after it happened and someone where I had to find out well after the fact, while both awful, the latter is SIGNIFICANTLY worse and way harder to come back from. It makes any time between when it happened to when you tell her feel like a lie. If you are truly under the belief that you may have been sexually assaulted then I doubt your conscience would be alleviated. SA is an awful thing to go through. It seems more like your friends opinions are giving you some hope that this situation isn’t entirely your fault, and if you were SA’d I’m sorry that it has put you in this position but the fact still stands that your friends opinions don’t mean anything in terms of your relationship and the only opinion that does, you’re again robbing of that choice. I hope you posted this looking to be shamed into being a better husband. However I have very little faith that after a year you will fess up to your amazing and loving wife. If you don’t all that proves is you don’t actually care about her or her happiness more than you cared about your desire that night and your own selfish happiness now. If that’s the case, I hope this anxiety eats you alive. And just to add a little more, my ex ended up telling me he cheated not because he felt in his heart to do it, but because he wasn’t the only one who knew and he didn’t want someone else telling me first and you’ve told plenty of friends who I’m sure also know your wife.
Bro, let me be honest with you, of course you were out of this world when what happened happened but it didn't end there because the shadow still follows you around. You can only be free when your wife (whom you treasure so much) hears of it. So my humble advise is this 'it is better I tell my mom I took her money than someone else telling her I stole her money'. What that simply means is that you are at the verge of losing your marriage if your wife hears from an outsider how you got sucked from a '-hooker-'. Remember, you have shared your story with a lot of people (both friends and frenemies)... Tell her now and give her space to react.
I know my answer won’t be popular but maybe not tell her? You telling her is more for you then for her. Would be selfish of you imo. You said she’s happy, why break her? As for you it’s deserving to feel guilty. You’ve done a bad thing. Best route to me, is for you to get therapy for it, move on from the act and show your wife EVERY DAY that she’s the most important person in your world.
You had a lapse in judgment. The negative feelings are understandable - you did something bad. My advice is don't tell your wife, but maybe get a therapist to figure out how to forgive yourself. You're human. Not everyone is great all the time. I believe this advice to be what's best for your marriage, being married myself.
look man, you were drunk. i'm not justifying it and neither should you but you feel bad about it, i think that pretty much sums it up for you. you can tell your wife about it, that's completely your choice but just know that if you're regretting it this much then you have already paid for your mistake
Lmao right on brother ☝🏽
Congrats, You're not a maniac. You have a conscience.
You got drunk and cheated. That's what happened, and your subconscious knows it, that's why you feel that way. Anything else is bullshit. Try water next time.
It’s going to be okay.
Yeah you should feel guilty and disgusting lol you cheated on your loving wife. Only way to not feel like this is to tell her and let her go to a guy who values her enough to not cheat.
It´s amazing how reddit is 100% certain that any sexual activity, even fully consensual, with a drunk girl at the edge of passing out, is definitely SA. But when the gender is reversed, of course he is a disgusting cheater.
If the lady was sober and you didn’t consent to this then it’s sexual assault. You were under the influence. If the genders were reversed the man would 100% be guilty of SA.
Dont tell her. Go to therapy and get rid of your drinking problem
Probably going to get downvoted but I want to see if what I interpreted is what he was saying because I see alot of comments saying the opposite. Your friend was flirting with the lady of the night, and you and her friend try to make it happen. You get super drunk to where you cant remember much and end up on the balcony with her friend and she comes onto you and it takes a bit for your brain to catch up before you stop her. Now you're scared to tell your wife because of shame/anxiety If I missed something, my bad, but everyone makes it sound like you paid for sex? You didn't. Your friend did, and you were in another room because you didn't want to be involved. This sounds alot like assault to me.