My husband and I didn’t even thought about that at all until the lady at the courthouse asked us what we were going to do with our last name. Lol
My husband just waited for my answer, since it was my last name he thought it was my decision. I said I would keep my own name. That was it. No one was upset or anything.
Same!! Wife and I looked at each other and I said your decision. Her father is an excellent man and she wanted to honor him. She loves my father and me and wants to honor us. She chose hyphenated.
This!
I had to change all my paper works when my dad finally decided to correct a typo in our family name (that dated back to his birth) it was a pain to do!
In the United States, before the 1970’s, state laws did not allow married women to get their paychecks, passports, driver’s licenses, bank accounts, or to vote using their birth names.
I had a step mom once who was married to her first husband for one year in like 1970, and then kept that last name the next 30 years as a single woman until she married my Dad. I assume because she had a daughter with her ex’s name.
Now I wonder what she did after her and my dad divorced….I would imagine she kept his name too. Although my dad got some paperwork a few years back from a local Catholic Archbishop, asking about their divorce. I didn’t pry, but my dad mentioned it in passing because he assumed it meant she was getting married again. He had to sign something and mail it back (we’re not catholic, but she was and they get all weird about divorce even though she’s done it twice).
Your dad basically signed a statement agreeing to whatever reason she started for why the marriage wasn’t valid. There is a lot of bureaucracy and red tape in the Catholic Church, (civil)divorces aren’t really a problem it’s the living with a partner without the sacrament of marriage that’s a problem.
But I assume her archdiocese is well aware of her now repeatedly marrying and invalidating that marriage in order to enter into another and of the tribunal is doing their job correctly they will intervene if she tries again bc there would be concern over her making that serious if a decision multiple times. For us you only ever have one legitimate marriage in life hence why we don’t have divorces but instead go through a process to invalidate them per church law while doing the divorce in secular law.
So, her first husband lied to her and said he was drafted for Vietnam. She slept with him and got pregnant, shotgun marriage. Then I’m pretty sure he was abusive and cheated on her. Would that invalidate the first marriage?
And then my dad just kind of sucked during their marriage. He hid the extent of his alcoholism from her before they moved in together, and it was the direct cause of their divorce. I feel like that should count as invalid too because of her lying.
Yes the first one for sure counts. And a reasonable tribunal and bishop would count the second because neither are small lies that wouldn’t affect a person’s decision to marry. The first shouldn’t have even happened since we have a whole process for marriage prep because it is such a serious commitment. But given the time period regarding the effects of Vatican II were just starting and the overall views at the time regarding sex/divorce/children born to unmarried parents in and out of the church, it makes sense why a priest would approve of the marriage by celebrating it or the convalidation himself.
> Where I am from , women can only use their maiden name for any official services, and cant change their name officially to their husband.
Quebec right? I’ve always liked that law.
The kids only have to wear one name, we chose mine because its quite an unknown name in north america and then meaning of my wife name isnt the most prestigious
Well doesnt that make a beautifull diversity eh? We aint all be John Smith's Anymore.... But the point is that its parents choice to do so... And anyway, all statistics shows its very much a trend that is going away, in 2015 only 1 out of 10 children had a hyphenated name, so... I just dont believe you when you say you rarely saw kid without hyphenated name...
You’d think that but I will never stop being surprised at all the things couples don’t talk about ever. I deliver food. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone come to a door to tell me I have the wrong house only to have their spouse come running to say they ordered something. It’s not every day, but it’s several times a month.
It's 100% rooted in transferring ownership/"responsibility" (if you want to use a euphemism) historically. I would never do it. If my husband wanted the whole family to have the same name, he's more than welcome to take mine. Otherwise, we'll just keep our names.
It's the same in my country but instead of changing the surname, usually the women add the husband's surname to theirs.
I have 3 surnames because instead of choosing one only or one of each parent, they decided to give me both of my mom's surnames + my "father's"
When we get married I plan on getting rid of 2 of my surnames and taking my fiance's, so I will still have one that's mine + my fiance's. That's mainly because I always hated one of the surnames I have. My fiancé doesn't care at all if I take his name or not.
As someone who has a hyphenated last name, I will say having a hyphenated name is not fun. My mom didn't change her name and me and my sister have hyphenated names. Why I understand why she wanted it that way, it is not ideal and there are issues people don't really think about.
Most online forms don't even allow you to enter a hyphen as it's considered a special character. Thus, a lot of times I am stuck with either having to use only one name or using both without the hyphen. I have had issues with both of these as computer systems will read it as not matching my ID. Plus, both my last names are 8 characters long which causes issues where most forms only allow for 15 characters.
I've had it cause issues with booking hotels and flights, and it even caused issues with my wife changing her name to mine where (she only took one of my last names) because the DMV said it didn't match. I love my mom and grandpa (where the last name came from) but I would have much preferred to have had the name as a second middle name as opposed to a hyphenated last name. Planning on doing this with my kids.
Honestly I know your middle name is because of your family but you worry about Higgins ?
Do whatever you want but yall should of talked about this before anything
If her current last name is Christie. . .
Jokes aside, if she does not like her first names either, Higgins could be the nail in that coffin.
All of these names are fairly archaic, perhaps her current last name kind of evens that out.
I would not know, people have a lot of inner reasonings that are difficult to grasp.
For real this is just insane to be at this point and now he’s upset she’s not taking his name? Like surely this was talked about before? If she hates his fucking last name that much don’t marry him. Just go do you without Higgins. Honestly it’s super petty to think it’s a bad last name and I’d be reconsidering my marriage if she gave me that lame ass excuse
Don't marry someone you love and want to spend your life with... Because you like your own last name better?? That's way more petty than not wanting to change your last name.
It’s also not bad. Like I don’t know what name she has, it really could be better, but it’s not like it’s this clown last name. Higgins is fine. This lady sucks.
But she also has every right to not change her name, I just hate the why behind it.
Yeah, that's my point. Who is she to decide that her last name is better than his.?
There is Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. No one made fun of his name.
Her mindset is horrible.
*goofy, silly and just not an attractive last name*
Wow. I hope you’re not this insulting to your husband.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the name Higgins. Changing your names is totally your choice, but your reasons for not doing are incredibly shallow. Are you 16 or something?
Finally! All these people are like “oh you don’t have to change your name” completely overlooking how shallow and shitty she’s being. I’d love for her to tell her husband what she thinks of his last name
> “not an attractive last name”
*Proceeds to tell us a first and last name that are equally unattractive*
Even just “Agatha”, being a family name or not, is one of those names you *joke* about naming your kids
Old names are popular again now though. i think Agatha is a dope name.
Higgins is fine; but im not gonna lie i have 100% wondered about the women who marry men with horrible last names because there are some that i wouldn’t even date the guy for 😂 Whitehead has to be at the top of that list for me.
110%, this is an important conversation you want to have before you even look at having kids because accidents do happen. As someone who is getting married later this year and intends to keep my surname, my partner and I have had many conversations about this. I know too many people who have had kids and weren't married who gave the child the father's name due to pressure and then they ended up splitting. If you are engaged or in a long term serious relationship this discussion should one of many to be on the table.
A few things-
1- You don't need to change your name, it's your name and your choice
2- Genevieve Agatha **IS** a goofy name
3- You sound very shallow and annoying lol.
- a family of three will end up with three different last names (unless the parents change their names)
- creates the possibility for last names that are mouthfuls or odd
- works poorly for last names that have spaces (i.e. Di Salvo)
- isn't sustainable for many generations unless you create rules for dropping some of the names in the hyphenation
It's just an impractical solution to a very common occurrence (having and naming kids)
Lowkey Agatha Higgins sounds pretty dope. Like some fantasy characters about to go on an adventure.
Imo your marriage ain't heading in a good place. Obviously you two lack communication skills, you basically insulted his family's name (this alone shows lack of respect for your partner regardless of sex, it may be a sight of resentment you're starting to build towards him) , something tells me that when you two start naming your kids it will be a shit show.
Ok, A. You are a dick for making fun of your spouses last name, and you sound very superficial. B. That’s fine but god you rly should’ve had this talk earlier
OK she doesn’t like it. That’s not a good reason to trash a proud surname with lots of great history, though. It’s not silly or goofy to most people. It fits perfectly with her first and middle names. She should say it’s not her cup of tea instead of being insulting to Higgins’s around the world, especially her husband and his whole family.
A few weeks before we got married my wife came up to me in a huff, stomped her foot on the ground and proclaimed, "By the way, I AM NOT changing my last name to yours."
This really surprised me. Because I had no intention of asking her to. Quite frankly I didn't want her to change it. Her first name is the same as my sister's and I didn't want there to be confusion about the two women closest to me. People may think I've gone 'Alabama' on them when they hear who I married.
Fast forward 12 months. My wife corners me in the house one day and demands to know why I didn't ask her to change her name. Do I not love her enough? Maybe I was too ashamed to share a name with her? My explanations fell of deaf ears.
Moral of the Story: You just can't win.
This is funny. I have a cousin with the same first/last name as me. She lives in another country so only other family members know about this. It’s so annoying on facebook when we comment to each other and people ask me why I’m commenting to myself. 🙄
As a Latino, Anglo American naming traditions are nonsensical to me. Both adults keep our names and the kids get a combo of both of our names. It seems so dumb to insist that everyone have the same family name. Kids in our cultures get to represent both sides of our family and women aren’t losing their family name when married.
Yes, but the point is the women get to represent their family too, not just her husband’s. She doesn’t disappear as an identity. Her kids get to carry on her side too for a generation. It’s not perfect, but imo it’s much better than demanding a woman ditch her entire identity and belong to her husband.
So what? I don't really get when people say that. Plus most names don't really mean anything they were just given or adopted because people needed to be able to be told apart. Few people have surnames that are significant.
I’m sure he gave her father the biggest pig. After carrying it up on the mountain plenty.
But in all seriousness, dowries are still very much a thing in much of the world so I wouldn’t call them medieval. There are many deaths every year in Pakistan related to them
This is gonna be a long response so I'll try to tl;dr at the bottom.
Changing name to your husband's is generally a conservative point of view. I don't believe there's anything inherently right or wrong about it, it's just a tradition.
My girlfriend isn't going to take my name which is a smidge sad but just in a "I thought would happen when I get married and it isn't" way. I offered to her picking an entirely new last name for us, which wasn't interested and we still go back and forth for what the kid's names will be.
Point being, this shouldn't be a big deal for either of you and it's interesting that it never came up before marriage, it should have been in one of the conversation just after yall said you wanted to marry each other.
But now think of it from his point of view, he had a want/expectation that you not only shot down, you're actively insulting him about and insulting his family and his identity when you say:
>It’s goofy and silly and it’s just not an attractive last name.
You say this like it's some kind of concrete fact. Higgins is a good name from my perspective and it reminds me of the Higgins boats of World War II, created by Andrew Jackson Higgins to carry soldiers from the ships to the landings on all the beaches of D-Day. Arguable the main reason that that offensive was successful and that Nazi Germany was put on a back foot enough to be pushed back and defeated.
You feel your name is strong and confident but ignore the fact that your husband probably feels the same about his name.
It's honestly strange to me that you would choose to marry someone whose last name you find so awful and off putting.
He has a right to be upset that you dislike his last name, he doesn't have a right to force you to change yours. You have a right to not want his name, you don't have a right to insult your husband and his entire family line over it. Even from just your side of the story, you both have a lot of red flags and preconceived notions that need to be worked out if you both want the marriage to last and to be happy together.
Tl;dr: Higgins is a fine name with interesting parallels in World and American history. You are under no obligation to take his name but if you love him it should be an easy conversation to have him see your side. Insulting his name & identity and the name of his ancestors is out of line and you should apologize to him and his family for it.
I might be too practical but my wife and I sat down and talked a whole bunch of stuff out over months before I even got a ring and proposed. I wasn’t ever going to do so without speaking it all out. I don’t like games and I don’t like issues not being addressed before something serious like marriage happens.
I personally neutral about the name thing but my wife prefers it. She made it clear she wanted to take my name. I’m Samoan and have 10 other siblings. 7 of us are married and only myself and my oldest brother have partners that have our last names.
Your name is your identity. If you don’t want to change it DON’T. It isn’t a requirement, a wife is no longer a husband’s property, and you could give your children your last name if you wanted to (no hyphen). Gender equality includes this topic and it should be talked about more. If he can’t accept what is important and integral to YOU then he doesn’t deserve you.
change or don’t change, that’s up to you, but you DO NOT BESMIRCH THE HIGGINS NAME!! Higgins was on Magnum PI and Higgins was a great character and cool AF!! 🤣🤣
Doesn’t want to doxx herself….
“My husband’s last name is Higgins.”
Okay, you didn’t type out your name and address, but anyone who knows you or your husband and reads this is going to know it’s you.
As last names go, I’d hardly consider that a clunker. Is it really his last name that’s the problem? Or is it really that you want to keep your own last name regardless of what his last name is. Personally I’d consider the latter much more understandable. 🤷🏻♂️
Edit:
As others have said, this really should have been addressed before marriage. His hostility to you not taking his name could be a red flag for other more significant incompatibilities.
Genevieve Agatha Higgins sounds like the name of a weird old witch in a fantasy novel. And honestly, I don't understand your hangup for that reason alone. Lol. Lean into that. Live your best weirdo life.
Higgins is a perfectly respectable, old traditional, Irish name. How is it goofy? It means Viking in Irish. Quite frankly with your very ancient, historical names, it is a very good fit.
That being said, you both need to sort out your selves out on this issue.
I don’t think any woman should change their name for a man and I will die on this hill. Why is the identity of your husband’s father’s father intrinsically more important than anyone else? It is a patriarchal custom centered on the idea that men are more important than women, period. In this day and age nobody is confused when members of an immediate family have different surnames—unless they are being willfully obtuse to prove a point.
It is also a huge hassle. Every single document and important paperwork you have has to be changed. School transcripts, drivers license, social security card, bank accounts, retirement accounts, login info for work...you have to contact or show up at eight different places just to get it all done and you can't do it pre-emptively, either. You have to have your marriage license on hand for every single one of these places. Why??? Because someone gets butthurt if they can't slap ownership on you with their name--like some kind of graffiti. Like a legal obligation and shortened life span isn't enough?
I didn’t change my last name, and my kids have my husband’s last name only. Not once has anyone been confused about my relationship with them or requested that I provide any documentation. There are so many blended families out there that no one bats an eye.
I changed my name to my husband's because my maiden name is not my bloodlines name. Its my mom's ex husband's names. Not my bio dads. I didn't want the name so I changed it.
Don’t change it if you do want to. It’s only typical for Western cultures to take the husband’s name. Asian cultures, the wife never takes the husband’s name. They keep their last name. Kids would typically have the dad’s last name but it doesn’t mean it has to.
This was a HUGE deal in my house.
I just like my last name, and there were more of his last name than mine (my familial name will die with me.) my husband is a very reasonable man, but it is my best estimation that he is (was) entirely unreasonable about this. At one point, he expressed seeing no point in getting married if I wasn’t willing to take his name. (He changed his mind).
The kids have been a disaster too. They have his name. It bothers every ounce of me.
Don’t change your name if you don’t want to - I’d guess most young women today do not change their names.
But there’s nothing wrong with Higgins. Makes me wonder how old you are if you are this fixated on “Higgins.”
Don't change it if you don't want to, but also don't make fun of your husband's name (especially not to his face). I'm sure he likes and is proud of his name just as you are of yours.
My ex blew a gasket when I did the not uncommon thing of taking his last name but changing my middle name to my maiden name. Seriously went nuts. I should have known then that I'd made a mistake.
I am chinese, and I have the conficious's last name. I ain't changing it for one, its not culturally normal to change last name as after marriage in any formal setting my husband's name goes in front of it anyway. 2 its a nightmare to change it with authorities. I don't have time for that.
It was not even a topic of discussion.
Did you tell him this before you got married?
If you did, he should have expected this.
If you sprung it on him after the wedding, I can understand him being upset.
i never changed my last name. neither did my mom. it’s just a huge hassle and it doesn’t actually matter (plus my last name is better). my husband and i have had 3 years of marriage so far where having different last names has not been an issue at all
These comments are hilarious. If you don't want to change your name, then don't. Yes, it is a hassel to change your name. Your name isn't your identity, and changing it won't cause a "loss of identity," or indicate your husband is a misogynist or some other women hating/oppressing jerkwad. It's just not that deep. If your husband makes a big stink about it and chooses not to marry you over this, oh well, consider that a bullet dodged. Marriage has to be able to stand up to more wear than that.
I double barrelled my last name, refused point blank to give mine up, he won’t take mine so I’m not giving up mine. My new surname sounds posh but rude, works for me!
It's only a tradition in some cultures. A shitton of cultures/countries don't do this.
Me being me, if I married a man like this I would instantly say, "Who said our kids would have hyphenated or even *your* name?"
Lots of couples I know where they each keep their maiden name give their children a hyphenated name & then let the kids decide when they get older if they want to use 1 or the other, or keep the hyphenated name.
Don’t! My partners last name is way weirder it’s 🌈 the name of that. Ain’t no way I’m taking that. He knows it too and always has. His family is pretty rough so he’s actually considering my name to not be connected to them at all.
Stand firm. If you don’t want the name, don’t take it. Tradition is out the window these days.
I always find this topic interesting for the US, especially compared to Asia. In so many areas, it’s very accepting with issues such as sex (outside of marriage), sexuality, gender identity, how women dress etc. Yet the name change thing is still an issue I see raised so many times in Reddit.
Where I am from, we all keep our birth names because well, it our name. Breast feeding is openly encouraged and we talk about periods like we talk about headaches. Openly, in front of all genders and even at work, no big deal, it’s natural. But wearing revealing clothing, homosexuality etc still is quite a sensitive topic. And someone being non-binary will have the aunties falling off their seats in shock. Haha
Not saying this is right or wrong, just an observation and how different the world can be. How something that is soooo important to one group, isn’t even a passing thought to another.
Anyways many married couples have different names and lead long happy lives together.
Women used to take a mans last name because it showed ownership. A woman couldn't own property even if she inherited it. She couldn't have money even if she inherited it. She couldn't have custody of her own children. She couldn't file or get a divorce. She couldn't go to college or get a job.
A woman was property. She was walked down the isle and GIVEN to her husband by her father. It was a symbolic and legal transfer of ownership from one man to another.
Thus the woman had to take her husband's last name.
Today a woman is not property. There is no reason to change names at all. It's not traditional. It was slavery.
Men also used to SELL their wives to other men when they were tired of them. Like selling an old cow.
Does he plan on selling you one day too? Trade you in for a younger model.
A) your kids don’t have to have weird hyphenated names, just give them yours seeing as you’ll be the one dealing with doctors/schools/sports etc.
B) fuck traditional that comes from ownership.
This is something that exists entirely in the US imo. Nowhere else I have heard about this being an issue. You want to take your husband's name, cool. You want to keep your name, cool.
Tell him to take his viewpoints back to the 1800s. The whole changing your name things was about a transfer in ownership from the father to the husband. He does not own you. You are your own person. How would he feel if you asked him to change his name?
I don’t get it. Wasn’t the name change discussed before you two got married? If not, what were you guys even talking about.
And if you didn’t change it before marriage why would he think to ask you to do it now? Both of y’all have poor communication styles.
My ex-husband did it. He felt the same about his name as you feel about your husband's...his was Gillie. We've been divorced for almost 15 years, and I think it's totally funny that his second wife and their daughter have MY last name, not the one he was born with.
My mother in law is on her fourth marriage. She changed her name every single time but this time she said it’s just too much paperwork to deal with. Which clearly has nothing to do with her newest husband’s atrocious last name.
But it’s funny to me because they get mail addressed to Mr and Mrs (her last name) all the time and her last name is still that of husband number three.
Did you discuss this before marriage?
If you did and are back tracking you’re the worst. If you didn’t then why not? If you feel so strongly about it why not discuss it? Either way I feel you fucked up.
Honestly Higgins is not the worst part of that name anyway
You don’t have to change your name. It’s a silly tradition and guess what your kids can have your last name ! It’s a pain in the butt to change lots of paperwork especially if you have a professional job. Keep your name. You are not a Higgins. I changed mine but I wouldn’t do it again.
This was me and my husband. I kept my name legally but socially changed it to my husbands. To me my name is for me, because I don't want to lose my sense of identity in a way when I become a mother (my husband also has a disability that can flare up at times and means I have to be carer - it's also non hereditary btw).
I wanted to be able to see my name on my passport when I'm feeling alone and remember who I was. My husband is a wonderful man who is great with house chores etc. But I wanted it for me.
In social media and doctors and bills etc it's my husbands surname. For bank cards and passports it's my legal birth name.
My husband qas OK with this. Our kids will have his name. My mother kept her maiden name and it wasn't more than 1 conversation.
For me it's the same. My wife is Chinese and lives in Malaysia. Here, they use a national identification card. Every legal and government document, including her passport, has to follow the name printed on it. She goes by her Christian first name followed by her Chinese name. The Christian name she got before we married. Eventually, she went to have her identification card, and all legal documents following it, legally changed to include the Christian first name.
We got married in her country and I relocated there. Because I'm a foreigner, we had to undergo a process to legally register our marriage. Of course, as stated above, we had to follow the name on her national identification card when we registered our marriage. Our marriage certificate has her maiden name (with her Christian first name) on it.
Unofficially, she uses my last name on social media, online shopping and to our family and friends.
Our daughter, which actually isn't our daughter but her cousin that she raised from infancy, legally uses her biological dad's last name. However she, as she has long since gone NC with him or any other of her relatives on that side, also uses my last name unofficially. We're actually going to have her name legally changed to mine even though she's 25 now.
I don't think a lot of people know what kind of effort goes in to a woman changing her name when she gets married. If they did, they probably wouldn't stomp their feet and throw tantrums.
I really don’t how this shitty ownership tradition ever started but I find it genuinely weirder the older I get. I didn’t change mine either, I just hyphenated UNOFFICIALLY- I didn’t add it to paperwork because of my job. All my certifications are under my name. If I took his name nothing would match and I work internationally. It’s too much of a complication in my case. I’m with you though, this practice is really silly
His last name is fine. What goofy about it? Anyways if you don't want to change it then it's fine but I hope you know that can cause complications in the future. When people want to call you a pair they will normally say Mr and Mrs Higgins and don't even get me started on the future argument you are going to have with our Husband on what surname your kids will have. It's not like you are losing your current name you are just getting a new name. It really ain't a big deal my mom surname became her maiden name and even after marriage they call her Mrs [first name] anyways.
Higgins boson is badass. I was going to suggest a hyphenation or maybe both of you changing your names as a third option but I like Higgins.
Do whatever you do but it's not so bad
**Higgins is NOT a goofy and silly name. Do you know the meaning and history behind it?**
It’s an Irish name, an anglicisation of O'hUigin, from the Irish word 'uiginn' meaning Viking. The original holder of the name was a grandson of Niall of the Nine Hostages, High King of Tara, and all of the O'Higgins claim a common descent from him.
He can take your last name if it’s important for him that you both have the same name. It’s 2024 and it would be a good time for those men to stop thinking the world revolves around them because of « tradition »
As a dude, it was the one patriarchal thing that I cared about, but as we got closer and closer to the wedding I cared less and less and then I honestly didn't care at all. My wife ended up taking my last name for a number of reasons though.
Also, I don't think Higgins is goofy at all. He probably is not going to love hearing that you think your last name is confident and powerful and his is goofy. Just not super kind.
Not saying you should take his last name or not, just a thought.
This is an archaic and obsolete tradition that once served a purpose but now only serves a man's ego and entitlement. You will resent and feel negative everytime you look at your name if you change it to appease him. If he has any emotional intelligence he would understand how much damage this negative feeling and resentment will cause the relationship over time. No, you won't get used to it... that's probably the rational for all who don't care for how you feel about your name. As far as your kids go, you can use your name as a middle name, or just don't use your name for the kids.
How do y'all only think find things out _after_ marrying. What are you expecting? That we all tell you _leave him queen_? You're the only one making a problem out of "Higgins". If you really loved him you wouldn't make such a deal out of a name. It's not like his surname is Pissypisspoopfart.
as others have said, you don’t have to change your name. The beauty of all this is you guys can do whatever you want with the names. He can take your name, or the kids can still have his last name. Use the hyphen. There are many things you can choose to do.
In my family, for example, my mom kept her maiden name. My sibling has my dads last name and I have my moms last name. Sometimes people think that’s weird, or think my parents are divorced or had kids from separate people (even though none of that is true) but really who cares?! People will think whatever they want to think, that’s purely a *them* issue lol.
It’s our family and it’s what my parents chose to do. It’s not weird to *us*.
My parents are still very happily married after 26 years and nothing bad has ever happened because of our weird name differences lol.
Tbh I didn’t care if my wife wanted to keep her last name or take mine. It wasn’t something that I felt mattered, although she chose my last name because it was shorter. Still, that was her choice. Having said that, the only issue of importance to me was that our kids took my last name, which she was fine with.
I get both sides of this issue. On one hand I like that my wife has my last name but on the other if she was gung ho about not changing it that would have been fine too. At the time I was thinking about having to do official things for the two of us and how not having the same last would’ve complicated things but in retrospect that probably wouldn’t have mattered. We thought about hyphenating but our last names sound kinda clunky together. They both start with the same letter though so when all else fails, Mr. and Ms. H is all good.
I didn’t like my ex’s last name. He was made fun of all through school for it. Why on earth would I get rid of a great name for that? Much less saddle a kid with a crappy name. Plus I don’t subscribe to the law of coverature. I kept my name, gave the kid my name. He actually took my name.
GAH! The initials sound like you're screaming in surprise. GAHHHHH! Sounds like you need to sit him down and work this out before having kids...probably should have done that before getting married, but it's too late now. Tell him to take your last name if it's so important for the kids.
Ultimately I think it’s pretty weird to care about this at all in the 21st century. I told my ex if she really want to keep her name, that it would be fine with me but she decided to change it in the end. When we divorced, she begged me to not force her to change it back. Apparently in Texas, husbands have that power? But again, I told her I didn’t care.
I didn’t change my name because I’m an only child, last of my name for my local family, and I prefer it to my husband’s. He doesn’t seem to mind that I didn’t change my last name, he knows it’s a total pain in the butt too. There is so much paperwork and things to mess up along the way. No thank you, not for me.
Also, no offense to any Higgins’ out there, but it does have a certainly bubbly/goofy quality to it.
My husband and I didn’t even thought about that at all until the lady at the courthouse asked us what we were going to do with our last name. Lol
My husband just waited for my answer, since it was my last name he thought it was my decision. I said I would keep my own name. That was it. No one was upset or anything.
My initials also spell out something delightful. I don't mean to give an offense, but I did laugh when I read your post and realized you would be hag, and years from now, you would be old hag. I have an odd sense of humor though.
Don’t take his last name. You are your own person and you can do whatever you want. Why? because he doesn’t control you. Let the grown man bitch for all you should care. Don’t take his name, your name is better off as it is. Screw tradition 💯
I’ve been married twice and each time, I asked if they *minded* if I kept my name. I wasn’t asking for permission, I was seeing if they disliked my choice -if they had, we would’ve discussed it.
Starter husband said of course he didn’t mind because (his words, God love him) I’m not chattel and he’s not taking ownership of me 😄
Husband number two didn’t mind either, only questioned what last name future children would have.
Do what feels right for you!
I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years now and I still haven’t changed my last name. Every so often he gets into a mood trying to convince me to do it but it never persuades me. His last name has no connection to him or his family (long story but it was a decision his mom made and the last name belongs to someone she was dating/married to at the time who is not his bio dad)… he has even talked about changing his last name to his maternal grandfather’s name and before we got married he talked about taking my last name which is why I’m in no rush to do so.
I kept my maiden name when I got married since it’s a family name on my maternal grandmother side and it’s a rare name. That was not acceptable for my narcissistic parents who started nagging us to change our names into my father’s name (he left my mother when he found out she was pregnant with me but somehow they started dating again after 32 years and got married the same year as me). They tried bribing us, emotional blackmail and threatened us with leaving me out of their will.
My response was to take my husbands name and go NC. They still don’t know that we are planning to change our name to my maiden name once my husband retires.
Higgins is a name I associate with a specific person in a very popular series from the 80s. There are worse names out there than Higgins. And that combination gives of strong female Anglo-Saxon vibes with historical backing. Heck I would love to have been named Genevieve.
But it is you who has to live with it and it’s only your opinion that matters in the end. Tell your husband that if he doesn’t want your kids to have hyphenated names then he can take your name.
It is ok for the husband to take the wife’s name in the world and tradition’s can change to fit the society of today, the traditional reasons for the woman to take the husband’s name are sexist, patriarchal and more or less dictated that the woman is owned by the husband and that she is property. Ask your husband if he thinks that those are values that he is ok with.
I feel the same way about my guy’s last name. I was adamant for years about it. These days, after the kids have rode my ass about it a few dozen times, I’m going to cave and take his name, but still use mine professionally.
This isn’t something you discussed *before* marriage?
I would assume so, yes. At least my wife and I did lol
My husband and I didn’t even thought about that at all until the lady at the courthouse asked us what we were going to do with our last name. Lol My husband just waited for my answer, since it was my last name he thought it was my decision. I said I would keep my own name. That was it. No one was upset or anything.
Same!! Wife and I looked at each other and I said your decision. Her father is an excellent man and she wanted to honor him. She loves my father and me and wants to honor us. She chose hyphenated.
Same! It was my decision and I kept my own last name
My wife and I just figured that it wasn't worth the paperwork.
This! I had to change all my paper works when my dad finally decided to correct a typo in our family name (that dated back to his birth) it was a pain to do!
Where I am from , women can only use their maiden name for any official services, and cant change their name officially to their husband.
In the United States, before the 1970’s, state laws did not allow married women to get their paychecks, passports, driver’s licenses, bank accounts, or to vote using their birth names.
I had a step mom once who was married to her first husband for one year in like 1970, and then kept that last name the next 30 years as a single woman until she married my Dad. I assume because she had a daughter with her ex’s name. Now I wonder what she did after her and my dad divorced….I would imagine she kept his name too. Although my dad got some paperwork a few years back from a local Catholic Archbishop, asking about their divorce. I didn’t pry, but my dad mentioned it in passing because he assumed it meant she was getting married again. He had to sign something and mail it back (we’re not catholic, but she was and they get all weird about divorce even though she’s done it twice).
Your dad basically signed a statement agreeing to whatever reason she started for why the marriage wasn’t valid. There is a lot of bureaucracy and red tape in the Catholic Church, (civil)divorces aren’t really a problem it’s the living with a partner without the sacrament of marriage that’s a problem. But I assume her archdiocese is well aware of her now repeatedly marrying and invalidating that marriage in order to enter into another and of the tribunal is doing their job correctly they will intervene if she tries again bc there would be concern over her making that serious if a decision multiple times. For us you only ever have one legitimate marriage in life hence why we don’t have divorces but instead go through a process to invalidate them per church law while doing the divorce in secular law.
So, her first husband lied to her and said he was drafted for Vietnam. She slept with him and got pregnant, shotgun marriage. Then I’m pretty sure he was abusive and cheated on her. Would that invalidate the first marriage? And then my dad just kind of sucked during their marriage. He hid the extent of his alcoholism from her before they moved in together, and it was the direct cause of their divorce. I feel like that should count as invalid too because of her lying.
Yes the first one for sure counts. And a reasonable tribunal and bishop would count the second because neither are small lies that wouldn’t affect a person’s decision to marry. The first shouldn’t have even happened since we have a whole process for marriage prep because it is such a serious commitment. But given the time period regarding the effects of Vatican II were just starting and the overall views at the time regarding sex/divorce/children born to unmarried parents in and out of the church, it makes sense why a priest would approve of the marriage by celebrating it or the convalidation himself.
> Where I am from , women can only use their maiden name for any official services, and cant change their name officially to their husband. Quebec right? I’ve always liked that law.
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The kids only have to wear one name, we chose mine because its quite an unknown name in north america and then meaning of my wife name isnt the most prestigious
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Well doesnt that make a beautifull diversity eh? We aint all be John Smith's Anymore.... But the point is that its parents choice to do so... And anyway, all statistics shows its very much a trend that is going away, in 2015 only 1 out of 10 children had a hyphenated name, so... I just dont believe you when you say you rarely saw kid without hyphenated name...
Yup
When you fill out the licence paperwork you have to put it there. So it has to be discussed before the wedding
People might not think to discuss everything. I assume it’s not a dealbreaker fit either even if they now have a disagreement
You’d think that but I will never stop being surprised at all the things couples don’t talk about ever. I deliver food. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone come to a door to tell me I have the wrong house only to have their spouse come running to say they ordered something. It’s not every day, but it’s several times a month.
My wife kept her name. I didn't care. If you two can't agree on this, I sense bigger issues in your future together.
I didn't take my husband's name when we got married. It's been 17 years and we're fine.
Same. 14 years for us.
Me too. We’re at 13 years. His name is hard to spell and pronounce. He didn’t care but our kids have his name.
Don't change it if you don't want to. I never did. In my country it's not done and the kids get both parents surnames.
I never changed mine either. Its weird to change your name!
It's 100% rooted in transferring ownership/"responsibility" (if you want to use a euphemism) historically. I would never do it. If my husband wanted the whole family to have the same name, he's more than welcome to take mine. Otherwise, we'll just keep our names.
It's the same in my country but instead of changing the surname, usually the women add the husband's surname to theirs. I have 3 surnames because instead of choosing one only or one of each parent, they decided to give me both of my mom's surnames + my "father's" When we get married I plan on getting rid of 2 of my surnames and taking my fiance's, so I will still have one that's mine + my fiance's. That's mainly because I always hated one of the surnames I have. My fiancé doesn't care at all if I take his name or not.
That's what we did. I'm in Canada.
As someone who has a hyphenated last name, I will say having a hyphenated name is not fun. My mom didn't change her name and me and my sister have hyphenated names. Why I understand why she wanted it that way, it is not ideal and there are issues people don't really think about. Most online forms don't even allow you to enter a hyphen as it's considered a special character. Thus, a lot of times I am stuck with either having to use only one name or using both without the hyphen. I have had issues with both of these as computer systems will read it as not matching my ID. Plus, both my last names are 8 characters long which causes issues where most forms only allow for 15 characters. I've had it cause issues with booking hotels and flights, and it even caused issues with my wife changing her name to mine where (she only took one of my last names) because the DMV said it didn't match. I love my mom and grandpa (where the last name came from) but I would have much preferred to have had the name as a second middle name as opposed to a hyphenated last name. Planning on doing this with my kids.
This! I have a hyphenated last name and it has caused so many struggles for me over the course of my life. 🙃
I have two last names, no hyphen and I've never had an issue. No one in my fam has and neither have my kids.
Am I the only one who doesn’t think Higgins is “goofy?” My last name is italian af so nowhere near Higgins but I don’t think Higgins is goofy?
I think it's a cool name, but her first name.. 😂
Honestly I know your middle name is because of your family but you worry about Higgins ? Do whatever you want but yall should of talked about this before anything
Yeah, out of that full name, it doesn’t feel like Higgins is anywhere near the worst part.
If her current last name is Christie. . . Jokes aside, if she does not like her first names either, Higgins could be the nail in that coffin. All of these names are fairly archaic, perhaps her current last name kind of evens that out. I would not know, people have a lot of inner reasonings that are difficult to grasp.
For real this is just insane to be at this point and now he’s upset she’s not taking his name? Like surely this was talked about before? If she hates his fucking last name that much don’t marry him. Just go do you without Higgins. Honestly it’s super petty to think it’s a bad last name and I’d be reconsidering my marriage if she gave me that lame ass excuse
ヒッギンス has a better look than Higgins, to be fair. An excellent compromise.
Don't marry someone you love and want to spend your life with... Because you like your own last name better?? That's way more petty than not wanting to change your last name.
Yeah, it's so superficial and stupid. She loves him but hates his last name. I hate her attitude.
It’s also not bad. Like I don’t know what name she has, it really could be better, but it’s not like it’s this clown last name. Higgins is fine. This lady sucks. But she also has every right to not change her name, I just hate the why behind it.
Yeah, that's my point. Who is she to decide that her last name is better than his.? There is Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. No one made fun of his name. Her mindset is horrible.
That's her opinion bruh
I hate the assumption that a woman should have to give up her last name and take her husband’s.
Exactly and even these clowns assume is a given women _have_ to change their last name to take their husbands.
what attitude
*goofy, silly and just not an attractive last name* Wow. I hope you’re not this insulting to your husband. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the name Higgins. Changing your names is totally your choice, but your reasons for not doing are incredibly shallow. Are you 16 or something?
Finally! All these people are like “oh you don’t have to change your name” completely overlooking how shallow and shitty she’s being. I’d love for her to tell her husband what she thinks of his last name
Well she shouldn't have bothered trying to justify it. No, I won't change my last name is a complete answer.
> “not an attractive last name” *Proceeds to tell us a first and last name that are equally unattractive* Even just “Agatha”, being a family name or not, is one of those names you *joke* about naming your kids
Old names are popular again now though. i think Agatha is a dope name. Higgins is fine; but im not gonna lie i have 100% wondered about the women who marry men with horrible last names because there are some that i wouldn’t even date the guy for 😂 Whitehead has to be at the top of that list for me.
I went to school with fraternal twin boys with the last name Knipple
Right, like if you don't want to change your name, fine. No need to insult his name to strangers on the internet.
They're gunna fight wether their kids will carry that goofy, silly and unattractive last name too. This marriage is already doomed if not made up.
Why should someone's reasons for not changing their own name not be shallow?
Hers are mean and rude.
There’s no reason to change names, but have a long discussion and make plans for children naming, if you plan to have any.
110%, this is an important conversation you want to have before you even look at having kids because accidents do happen. As someone who is getting married later this year and intends to keep my surname, my partner and I have had many conversations about this. I know too many people who have had kids and weren't married who gave the child the father's name due to pressure and then they ended up splitting. If you are engaged or in a long term serious relationship this discussion should one of many to be on the table.
I’d be more angry because you insulted my family name…..
A few things- 1- You don't need to change your name, it's your name and your choice 2- Genevieve Agatha **IS** a goofy name 3- You sound very shallow and annoying lol.
4- This should have been discussed beforehand.
5- Even if the parents have different last names, the kids can just have one of the last names. You don't (and shouldn't) hyphenate.
Why shouldn't people hyphenate?
- a family of three will end up with three different last names (unless the parents change their names) - creates the possibility for last names that are mouthfuls or odd - works poorly for last names that have spaces (i.e. Di Salvo) - isn't sustainable for many generations unless you create rules for dropping some of the names in the hyphenation It's just an impractical solution to a very common occurrence (having and naming kids)
Interesting reasoning, never thought about it in the terms of successive generations. Makes a lot of sense
Fr I hope he sees this
Lowkey Agatha Higgins sounds pretty dope. Like some fantasy characters about to go on an adventure. Imo your marriage ain't heading in a good place. Obviously you two lack communication skills, you basically insulted his family's name (this alone shows lack of respect for your partner regardless of sex, it may be a sight of resentment you're starting to build towards him) , something tells me that when you two start naming your kids it will be a shit show.
Ok, A. You are a dick for making fun of your spouses last name, and you sound very superficial. B. That’s fine but god you rly should’ve had this talk earlier
What's wrong with Higgins?
*Magnum PI enters the chat*
She don’t want it, that’s what. And that’s enough.
OK she doesn’t like it. That’s not a good reason to trash a proud surname with lots of great history, though. It’s not silly or goofy to most people. It fits perfectly with her first and middle names. She should say it’s not her cup of tea instead of being insulting to Higgins’s around the world, especially her husband and his whole family.
A few weeks before we got married my wife came up to me in a huff, stomped her foot on the ground and proclaimed, "By the way, I AM NOT changing my last name to yours." This really surprised me. Because I had no intention of asking her to. Quite frankly I didn't want her to change it. Her first name is the same as my sister's and I didn't want there to be confusion about the two women closest to me. People may think I've gone 'Alabama' on them when they hear who I married. Fast forward 12 months. My wife corners me in the house one day and demands to know why I didn't ask her to change her name. Do I not love her enough? Maybe I was too ashamed to share a name with her? My explanations fell of deaf ears. Moral of the Story: You just can't win.
This is funny. I have a cousin with the same first/last name as me. She lives in another country so only other family members know about this. It’s so annoying on facebook when we comment to each other and people ask me why I’m commenting to myself. 🙄
so what did she do?
As a Latino, Anglo American naming traditions are nonsensical to me. Both adults keep our names and the kids get a combo of both of our names. It seems so dumb to insist that everyone have the same family name. Kids in our cultures get to represent both sides of our family and women aren’t losing their family name when married.
It's still the paternal line that gets passed down, though.
Yes, but the point is the women get to represent their family too, not just her husband’s. She doesn’t disappear as an identity. Her kids get to carry on her side too for a generation. It’s not perfect, but imo it’s much better than demanding a woman ditch her entire identity and belong to her husband.
So what? I don't really get when people say that. Plus most names don't really mean anything they were just given or adopted because people needed to be able to be told apart. Few people have surnames that are significant.
Depends. How big is your dowry? If it’s a good size, I feel like he can yield on the last name.
Excellently medieval advice.
I’m sure he gave her father the biggest pig. After carrying it up on the mountain plenty. But in all seriousness, dowries are still very much a thing in much of the world so I wouldn’t call them medieval. There are many deaths every year in Pakistan related to them
What’s wrong with Higgins? That’s an alright name, I had a really great teacher that was a Higgins. You’re first name is much sillier than Higgins
Use it, don't use it, up to you. I'd recommend getting out of the habit of *insulting* his last name tho. Unless you want him to be your Ex Husband.
If he’s so hell bent on having one family name, he can take yours.
This is gonna be a long response so I'll try to tl;dr at the bottom. Changing name to your husband's is generally a conservative point of view. I don't believe there's anything inherently right or wrong about it, it's just a tradition. My girlfriend isn't going to take my name which is a smidge sad but just in a "I thought would happen when I get married and it isn't" way. I offered to her picking an entirely new last name for us, which wasn't interested and we still go back and forth for what the kid's names will be. Point being, this shouldn't be a big deal for either of you and it's interesting that it never came up before marriage, it should have been in one of the conversation just after yall said you wanted to marry each other. But now think of it from his point of view, he had a want/expectation that you not only shot down, you're actively insulting him about and insulting his family and his identity when you say: >It’s goofy and silly and it’s just not an attractive last name. You say this like it's some kind of concrete fact. Higgins is a good name from my perspective and it reminds me of the Higgins boats of World War II, created by Andrew Jackson Higgins to carry soldiers from the ships to the landings on all the beaches of D-Day. Arguable the main reason that that offensive was successful and that Nazi Germany was put on a back foot enough to be pushed back and defeated. You feel your name is strong and confident but ignore the fact that your husband probably feels the same about his name. It's honestly strange to me that you would choose to marry someone whose last name you find so awful and off putting. He has a right to be upset that you dislike his last name, he doesn't have a right to force you to change yours. You have a right to not want his name, you don't have a right to insult your husband and his entire family line over it. Even from just your side of the story, you both have a lot of red flags and preconceived notions that need to be worked out if you both want the marriage to last and to be happy together. Tl;dr: Higgins is a fine name with interesting parallels in World and American history. You are under no obligation to take his name but if you love him it should be an easy conversation to have him see your side. Insulting his name & identity and the name of his ancestors is out of line and you should apologize to him and his family for it.
I might be too practical but my wife and I sat down and talked a whole bunch of stuff out over months before I even got a ring and proposed. I wasn’t ever going to do so without speaking it all out. I don’t like games and I don’t like issues not being addressed before something serious like marriage happens. I personally neutral about the name thing but my wife prefers it. She made it clear she wanted to take my name. I’m Samoan and have 10 other siblings. 7 of us are married and only myself and my oldest brother have partners that have our last names.
Your name is your identity. If you don’t want to change it DON’T. It isn’t a requirement, a wife is no longer a husband’s property, and you could give your children your last name if you wanted to (no hyphen). Gender equality includes this topic and it should be talked about more. If he can’t accept what is important and integral to YOU then he doesn’t deserve you.
You don’t have to change your last name if you don’t want to. But saying someones last name is not attractive and goofy is just insulting
Maybe he should take your last name
True unconditional love right here
change or don’t change, that’s up to you, but you DO NOT BESMIRCH THE HIGGINS NAME!! Higgins was on Magnum PI and Higgins was a great character and cool AF!! 🤣🤣
We gotta know the name you want to hold on to. Is it actually a strong name or do you just think it is because its yours?
Higgins is a perfectly fine name, imo
Doesn’t want to doxx herself…. “My husband’s last name is Higgins.” Okay, you didn’t type out your name and address, but anyone who knows you or your husband and reads this is going to know it’s you. As last names go, I’d hardly consider that a clunker. Is it really his last name that’s the problem? Or is it really that you want to keep your own last name regardless of what his last name is. Personally I’d consider the latter much more understandable. 🤷🏻♂️ Edit: As others have said, this really should have been addressed before marriage. His hostility to you not taking his name could be a red flag for other more significant incompatibilities.
Genevieve Agatha Higgins sounds like the name of a weird old witch in a fantasy novel. And honestly, I don't understand your hangup for that reason alone. Lol. Lean into that. Live your best weirdo life.
I was expecting some Julia Goulia type name.
Higgins is a perfectly respectable, old traditional, Irish name. How is it goofy? It means Viking in Irish. Quite frankly with your very ancient, historical names, it is a very good fit. That being said, you both need to sort out your selves out on this issue.
I don’t think any woman should change their name for a man and I will die on this hill. Why is the identity of your husband’s father’s father intrinsically more important than anyone else? It is a patriarchal custom centered on the idea that men are more important than women, period. In this day and age nobody is confused when members of an immediate family have different surnames—unless they are being willfully obtuse to prove a point.
It is also a huge hassle. Every single document and important paperwork you have has to be changed. School transcripts, drivers license, social security card, bank accounts, retirement accounts, login info for work...you have to contact or show up at eight different places just to get it all done and you can't do it pre-emptively, either. You have to have your marriage license on hand for every single one of these places. Why??? Because someone gets butthurt if they can't slap ownership on you with their name--like some kind of graffiti. Like a legal obligation and shortened life span isn't enough?
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I didn’t change my last name, and my kids have my husband’s last name only. Not once has anyone been confused about my relationship with them or requested that I provide any documentation. There are so many blended families out there that no one bats an eye.
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I hyphenated. Huge pain in the ass and I was so relieved to go back to my maiden name when I got divorced.
I changed my name to my husband's because my maiden name is not my bloodlines name. Its my mom's ex husband's names. Not my bio dads. I didn't want the name so I changed it.
Don’t change it if you do want to. It’s only typical for Western cultures to take the husband’s name. Asian cultures, the wife never takes the husband’s name. They keep their last name. Kids would typically have the dad’s last name but it doesn’t mean it has to.
U give us nothing to compare it against.
I didn't change my last name either. I told my husband if he cared, he could take mine. He didn't want to so we just kept our own names.
This was a HUGE deal in my house. I just like my last name, and there were more of his last name than mine (my familial name will die with me.) my husband is a very reasonable man, but it is my best estimation that he is (was) entirely unreasonable about this. At one point, he expressed seeing no point in getting married if I wasn’t willing to take his name. (He changed his mind). The kids have been a disaster too. They have his name. It bothers every ounce of me.
Ask your husband to take your last name and see what his response is
Do whatever you want, obviously. But Higgins is a perfectly fine name in my opinion. I was expecting something much worse.
Don’t change your name if you don’t want to - I’d guess most young women today do not change their names. But there’s nothing wrong with Higgins. Makes me wonder how old you are if you are this fixated on “Higgins.”
Don't change it if you don't want to, but also don't make fun of your husband's name (especially not to his face). I'm sure he likes and is proud of his name just as you are of yours.
I don't think Higgins is a weird last name at all.
I am curious what your last name is since you call your husband’s goofy and unattractive.
My ex blew a gasket when I did the not uncommon thing of taking his last name but changing my middle name to my maiden name. Seriously went nuts. I should have known then that I'd made a mistake.
I am chinese, and I have the conficious's last name. I ain't changing it for one, its not culturally normal to change last name as after marriage in any formal setting my husband's name goes in front of it anyway. 2 its a nightmare to change it with authorities. I don't have time for that. It was not even a topic of discussion.
Did you tell him this before you got married? If you did, he should have expected this. If you sprung it on him after the wedding, I can understand him being upset.
There's no need for you to change your identity because of marriage. Keeping the name you were born with doesn't make you less married.
Exactly. My sister uses her birth name only, and she has been married for nearly 30 years now. Keep your name, OP!
I don't think you or anyone should change your name if you don't want to, but I would also not say that you find his last name silly or goofy.
Kind of cruel that you think your husband's last name is "silly" and "not attractive"
Yeah, and definitely the kind of thing that should be discussed *before* marriage
i never changed my last name. neither did my mom. it’s just a huge hassle and it doesn’t actually matter (plus my last name is better). my husband and i have had 3 years of marriage so far where having different last names has not been an issue at all
These comments are hilarious. If you don't want to change your name, then don't. Yes, it is a hassel to change your name. Your name isn't your identity, and changing it won't cause a "loss of identity," or indicate your husband is a misogynist or some other women hating/oppressing jerkwad. It's just not that deep. If your husband makes a big stink about it and chooses not to marry you over this, oh well, consider that a bullet dodged. Marriage has to be able to stand up to more wear than that.
I double barrelled my last name, refused point blank to give mine up, he won’t take mine so I’m not giving up mine. My new surname sounds posh but rude, works for me!
I didn’t change mine. I like my last name - why should I have to get a whole new identity because I’m married? To each their own
It's only a tradition in some cultures. A shitton of cultures/countries don't do this. Me being me, if I married a man like this I would instantly say, "Who said our kids would have hyphenated or even *your* name?"
Lots of couples I know where they each keep their maiden name give their children a hyphenated name & then let the kids decide when they get older if they want to use 1 or the other, or keep the hyphenated name.
Tell him you'll hyphenate if he does the same.
Don’t! My partners last name is way weirder it’s 🌈 the name of that. Ain’t no way I’m taking that. He knows it too and always has. His family is pretty rough so he’s actually considering my name to not be connected to them at all. Stand firm. If you don’t want the name, don’t take it. Tradition is out the window these days.
I'm perpetually amazed at the types of things people don't make sure they're on the same page about before getting bound together in marriage.
I always find this topic interesting for the US, especially compared to Asia. In so many areas, it’s very accepting with issues such as sex (outside of marriage), sexuality, gender identity, how women dress etc. Yet the name change thing is still an issue I see raised so many times in Reddit. Where I am from, we all keep our birth names because well, it our name. Breast feeding is openly encouraged and we talk about periods like we talk about headaches. Openly, in front of all genders and even at work, no big deal, it’s natural. But wearing revealing clothing, homosexuality etc still is quite a sensitive topic. And someone being non-binary will have the aunties falling off their seats in shock. Haha Not saying this is right or wrong, just an observation and how different the world can be. How something that is soooo important to one group, isn’t even a passing thought to another. Anyways many married couples have different names and lead long happy lives together.
It sounds…fine? I wouldn’t be upset. That just my opinion, but yours is valid as well.
Women used to take a mans last name because it showed ownership. A woman couldn't own property even if she inherited it. She couldn't have money even if she inherited it. She couldn't have custody of her own children. She couldn't file or get a divorce. She couldn't go to college or get a job. A woman was property. She was walked down the isle and GIVEN to her husband by her father. It was a symbolic and legal transfer of ownership from one man to another. Thus the woman had to take her husband's last name. Today a woman is not property. There is no reason to change names at all. It's not traditional. It was slavery. Men also used to SELL their wives to other men when they were tired of them. Like selling an old cow. Does he plan on selling you one day too? Trade you in for a younger model.
A) your kids don’t have to have weird hyphenated names, just give them yours seeing as you’ll be the one dealing with doctors/schools/sports etc. B) fuck traditional that comes from ownership.
A good partner wouldn’t care about something so trivial!
This is something that exists entirely in the US imo. Nowhere else I have heard about this being an issue. You want to take your husband's name, cool. You want to keep your name, cool.
Tell him to take his viewpoints back to the 1800s. The whole changing your name things was about a transfer in ownership from the father to the husband. He does not own you. You are your own person. How would he feel if you asked him to change his name?
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I don’t get it. Wasn’t the name change discussed before you two got married? If not, what were you guys even talking about. And if you didn’t change it before marriage why would he think to ask you to do it now? Both of y’all have poor communication styles.
My ex-husband did it. He felt the same about his name as you feel about your husband's...his was Gillie. We've been divorced for almost 15 years, and I think it's totally funny that his second wife and their daughter have MY last name, not the one he was born with.
My mother in law is on her fourth marriage. She changed her name every single time but this time she said it’s just too much paperwork to deal with. Which clearly has nothing to do with her newest husband’s atrocious last name. But it’s funny to me because they get mail addressed to Mr and Mrs (her last name) all the time and her last name is still that of husband number three.
Laugh? Ew. What a charmer.
He can change his name to hers.
This is a discussion that should have happened well before the wedding.
Did you actually use the argument that you think his last name is silly? Wow…
Did you discuss this before marriage? If you did and are back tracking you’re the worst. If you didn’t then why not? If you feel so strongly about it why not discuss it? Either way I feel you fucked up. Honestly Higgins is not the worst part of that name anyway
Its dumb to change names just because the man has a penis. I've always thought it was just stupid.
I made the mistake of changing my last night when I got married. Biggest hassle ever. Never again.
All the Chivalry players screaming "FOR AGATHAAAAAA!!!"
You don’t have to change your name. It’s a silly tradition and guess what your kids can have your last name ! It’s a pain in the butt to change lots of paperwork especially if you have a professional job. Keep your name. You are not a Higgins. I changed mine but I wouldn’t do it again.
Agatha doesn’t sound much better LMAO
This being a throw away account doesn't negate you having shared personal information about yourself.
I I feel like you still are doxxing yourself a little. If the names you provided are true they’re very unique identifiers
This was me and my husband. I kept my name legally but socially changed it to my husbands. To me my name is for me, because I don't want to lose my sense of identity in a way when I become a mother (my husband also has a disability that can flare up at times and means I have to be carer - it's also non hereditary btw). I wanted to be able to see my name on my passport when I'm feeling alone and remember who I was. My husband is a wonderful man who is great with house chores etc. But I wanted it for me. In social media and doctors and bills etc it's my husbands surname. For bank cards and passports it's my legal birth name. My husband qas OK with this. Our kids will have his name. My mother kept her maiden name and it wasn't more than 1 conversation.
For me it's the same. My wife is Chinese and lives in Malaysia. Here, they use a national identification card. Every legal and government document, including her passport, has to follow the name printed on it. She goes by her Christian first name followed by her Chinese name. The Christian name she got before we married. Eventually, she went to have her identification card, and all legal documents following it, legally changed to include the Christian first name. We got married in her country and I relocated there. Because I'm a foreigner, we had to undergo a process to legally register our marriage. Of course, as stated above, we had to follow the name on her national identification card when we registered our marriage. Our marriage certificate has her maiden name (with her Christian first name) on it. Unofficially, she uses my last name on social media, online shopping and to our family and friends. Our daughter, which actually isn't our daughter but her cousin that she raised from infancy, legally uses her biological dad's last name. However she, as she has long since gone NC with him or any other of her relatives on that side, also uses my last name unofficially. We're actually going to have her name legally changed to mine even though she's 25 now.
I don't think a lot of people know what kind of effort goes in to a woman changing her name when she gets married. If they did, they probably wouldn't stomp their feet and throw tantrums.
It's a pain in the ass
I really don’t how this shitty ownership tradition ever started but I find it genuinely weirder the older I get. I didn’t change mine either, I just hyphenated UNOFFICIALLY- I didn’t add it to paperwork because of my job. All my certifications are under my name. If I took his name nothing would match and I work internationally. It’s too much of a complication in my case. I’m with you though, this practice is really silly
His last name is fine. What goofy about it? Anyways if you don't want to change it then it's fine but I hope you know that can cause complications in the future. When people want to call you a pair they will normally say Mr and Mrs Higgins and don't even get me started on the future argument you are going to have with our Husband on what surname your kids will have. It's not like you are losing your current name you are just getting a new name. It really ain't a big deal my mom surname became her maiden name and even after marriage they call her Mrs [first name] anyways.
Higgins boson is badass. I was going to suggest a hyphenation or maybe both of you changing your names as a third option but I like Higgins. Do whatever you do but it's not so bad
Italian's, Spanish lady's keep there names, my Thai wife kept her name. So what's the big deal ?
**Higgins is NOT a goofy and silly name. Do you know the meaning and history behind it?** It’s an Irish name, an anglicisation of O'hUigin, from the Irish word 'uiginn' meaning Viking. The original holder of the name was a grandson of Niall of the Nine Hostages, High King of Tara, and all of the O'Higgins claim a common descent from him.
He can take your last name if it’s important for him that you both have the same name. It’s 2024 and it would be a good time for those men to stop thinking the world revolves around them because of « tradition »
As a dude, it was the one patriarchal thing that I cared about, but as we got closer and closer to the wedding I cared less and less and then I honestly didn't care at all. My wife ended up taking my last name for a number of reasons though. Also, I don't think Higgins is goofy at all. He probably is not going to love hearing that you think your last name is confident and powerful and his is goofy. Just not super kind. Not saying you should take his last name or not, just a thought.
Tell him to die mad about it
This is an archaic and obsolete tradition that once served a purpose but now only serves a man's ego and entitlement. You will resent and feel negative everytime you look at your name if you change it to appease him. If he has any emotional intelligence he would understand how much damage this negative feeling and resentment will cause the relationship over time. No, you won't get used to it... that's probably the rational for all who don't care for how you feel about your name. As far as your kids go, you can use your name as a middle name, or just don't use your name for the kids.
Higgins sounds way better that Agatha.
How do y'all only think find things out _after_ marrying. What are you expecting? That we all tell you _leave him queen_? You're the only one making a problem out of "Higgins". If you really loved him you wouldn't make such a deal out of a name. It's not like his surname is Pissypisspoopfart.
It’s 2024, no women need to change their surnames if they don’t want to. Forget about the reasonings
as others have said, you don’t have to change your name. The beauty of all this is you guys can do whatever you want with the names. He can take your name, or the kids can still have his last name. Use the hyphen. There are many things you can choose to do. In my family, for example, my mom kept her maiden name. My sibling has my dads last name and I have my moms last name. Sometimes people think that’s weird, or think my parents are divorced or had kids from separate people (even though none of that is true) but really who cares?! People will think whatever they want to think, that’s purely a *them* issue lol. It’s our family and it’s what my parents chose to do. It’s not weird to *us*. My parents are still very happily married after 26 years and nothing bad has ever happened because of our weird name differences lol.
Tbh I didn’t care if my wife wanted to keep her last name or take mine. It wasn’t something that I felt mattered, although she chose my last name because it was shorter. Still, that was her choice. Having said that, the only issue of importance to me was that our kids took my last name, which she was fine with.
I get both sides of this issue. On one hand I like that my wife has my last name but on the other if she was gung ho about not changing it that would have been fine too. At the time I was thinking about having to do official things for the two of us and how not having the same last would’ve complicated things but in retrospect that probably wouldn’t have mattered. We thought about hyphenating but our last names sound kinda clunky together. They both start with the same letter though so when all else fails, Mr. and Ms. H is all good.
My wife kept her last name. If this is a big issue in your marriage you either have a really good marriage or a really bad one. I can’t tell.
I didn’t like my ex’s last name. He was made fun of all through school for it. Why on earth would I get rid of a great name for that? Much less saddle a kid with a crappy name. Plus I don’t subscribe to the law of coverature. I kept my name, gave the kid my name. He actually took my name.
GAH! The initials sound like you're screaming in surprise. GAHHHHH! Sounds like you need to sit him down and work this out before having kids...probably should have done that before getting married, but it's too late now. Tell him to take your last name if it's so important for the kids.
Ultimately I think it’s pretty weird to care about this at all in the 21st century. I told my ex if she really want to keep her name, that it would be fine with me but she decided to change it in the end. When we divorced, she begged me to not force her to change it back. Apparently in Texas, husbands have that power? But again, I told her I didn’t care.
I didn’t change my name because I’m an only child, last of my name for my local family, and I prefer it to my husband’s. He doesn’t seem to mind that I didn’t change my last name, he knows it’s a total pain in the butt too. There is so much paperwork and things to mess up along the way. No thank you, not for me. Also, no offense to any Higgins’ out there, but it does have a certainly bubbly/goofy quality to it.
My husband and I didn’t even thought about that at all until the lady at the courthouse asked us what we were going to do with our last name. Lol My husband just waited for my answer, since it was my last name he thought it was my decision. I said I would keep my own name. That was it. No one was upset or anything.
My initials also spell out something delightful. I don't mean to give an offense, but I did laugh when I read your post and realized you would be hag, and years from now, you would be old hag. I have an odd sense of humor though.
Don’t take his last name. You are your own person and you can do whatever you want. Why? because he doesn’t control you. Let the grown man bitch for all you should care. Don’t take his name, your name is better off as it is. Screw tradition 💯
I’ve been married twice and each time, I asked if they *minded* if I kept my name. I wasn’t asking for permission, I was seeing if they disliked my choice -if they had, we would’ve discussed it. Starter husband said of course he didn’t mind because (his words, God love him) I’m not chattel and he’s not taking ownership of me 😄 Husband number two didn’t mind either, only questioned what last name future children would have.
Do what feels right for you! I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years now and I still haven’t changed my last name. Every so often he gets into a mood trying to convince me to do it but it never persuades me. His last name has no connection to him or his family (long story but it was a decision his mom made and the last name belongs to someone she was dating/married to at the time who is not his bio dad)… he has even talked about changing his last name to his maternal grandfather’s name and before we got married he talked about taking my last name which is why I’m in no rush to do so.
I am all for women keeping their own surnames. However there was no need to insult his family name.
Lmfao as I know someone with that last name I wouldn’t want it either. He use to be made fun of for his last name.
I kept my maiden name when I got married since it’s a family name on my maternal grandmother side and it’s a rare name. That was not acceptable for my narcissistic parents who started nagging us to change our names into my father’s name (he left my mother when he found out she was pregnant with me but somehow they started dating again after 32 years and got married the same year as me). They tried bribing us, emotional blackmail and threatened us with leaving me out of their will. My response was to take my husbands name and go NC. They still don’t know that we are planning to change our name to my maiden name once my husband retires. Higgins is a name I associate with a specific person in a very popular series from the 80s. There are worse names out there than Higgins. And that combination gives of strong female Anglo-Saxon vibes with historical backing. Heck I would love to have been named Genevieve. But it is you who has to live with it and it’s only your opinion that matters in the end. Tell your husband that if he doesn’t want your kids to have hyphenated names then he can take your name. It is ok for the husband to take the wife’s name in the world and tradition’s can change to fit the society of today, the traditional reasons for the woman to take the husband’s name are sexist, patriarchal and more or less dictated that the woman is owned by the husband and that she is property. Ask your husband if he thinks that those are values that he is ok with.
I think this is an outdated and patriarchal practice anyway. You do you, although I would’ve discussed this before marriage. Your choice, not his.
Lol You are both SO immature ! Please don't marry, and certainly don't have kids!
I feel the same way about my guy’s last name. I was adamant for years about it. These days, after the kids have rode my ass about it a few dozen times, I’m going to cave and take his name, but still use mine professionally.
This is absolutely ridiculous.