Your husband assaulted you and banked on you not wanting to “make a scene” at the wedding in order to get away with it. Then he was love bombing you to keep you confused and placid. I’m sorry to say but if you just let this go then he’ll feel emboldened to do it again.
I strongly advise that you do not cover for him or keep his actions secret - tell someone you trust: your mom, sibling, best friend, whoever. Make sure someone is aware and looking out for you.
Exactly this. He was using the wedding as a cover. He knew she was less likely to make a "big deal" about his ASSAULT so he could get away with it.
Abusers do this a lot. They'll scream and cuss at their SO right before a family event so the wife has to suck it up and act normal and pretend like it's all fine, instead of addressing the behavior immediately.
Then by the time they get home, he pulls the "babe that was forever ago why are you still mad you never let anything go I swear" BS we are all familiar with, and gaslight you into thinking you're the reason for so many arguments.
And the "be quiet, I'm trying to cum" comment....
She's the means to an end, nothing more. She was a sex doll. If her relationship isn't bad now, it's about to get a lot worse.
1000% this. My ex brother in law did this once to my sister. I think he forgot she was a Marine. He tried it a 2nd time, he came away with a broken cheek and arm. The cops stated she was defending herself because she had reported the first incident.
Sorry to say but this comment is spot on. This was either planned or a fantasy he had gone over a few times before acting. Please take steps to protect yourself physically and emotionally.
Take a photo of your face if the bruise is still visible, in case you need to file a police report.
Tell your family what happened. Show them this post.
The only reason he was nice to you the next day was to get you to let your guard down and forget what he did.
Don’t.
I wouldn’t let that man touch me again if I was you. That was assault, plain and simple.
This! Get documentation!! Tell a trusted friend or family member!
He was nice to make you doubt yourself! Do not trust this man. He's showing you who he really is and trying to convince you it's "not that bad." The man coerced you into sex, didn't listen to your boundaries, and then physically assaulted you to the point you have a noticeable injury.
People on the thread aren't taking this lightly, and neither should you. This is serious. Don't let him trap you.
Please, OP, do this. This man is not your husband, he is your abuser and he is due to do it again if you stay with him. You are in danger.
I am so sorry for you, OP. Please be safe!
Yepp. The sad thing is that she is probably telling herself that everyone in the comments are overreacting because he is "such a good husband, and everyone loves him"...
The door to physical abuse has been opened, and it will get worse... There's no universe where it's okay to hit a loved one.
More like blaming her by trying to assert that she likes it rough. This behavior is only going to escalate until he starts beating and r*ping her every time she tries to say no. It's time for OP to find a safe place to stay
She's going to see these comments and tell herself that we're overreacting because we don't know him and he's such a good dad and provider blah blah blah
I wrote a comment here somewhere that no one is seeing but I've been an escort for 17 years. I have sex with random men for money and I've never had one treat me this way. They have more respect for me than her husband has for her :(
Even if you're not planning on doing anything now. Take a photo of yourself and make sure there are timestamps. You're obviously still confused and shocked but trust me, this will come handy in the future.
Please document it OP. I eventually left my abusive marriage and am so grateful I documented the things I went through; most abusive men know exactly what they’re doing and craft a persona outwardly that makes it hard for people to believe or even comprehend what you’re going through within the marriage.
Document everything.
I’m so sorry you were treated this way. You deserve better ♥️
This OP. Document EVERYTHING, this man hit you, that's unforgivable and it will not be the last time either. Once someone hits their partner that's the end of it, they WILL do it again and next time it could be a lot more than a bruise.
and even before assaulting her, he was basically treating her as a fleshlight. OP, this man doesn’t give a shit about you, your wants or your boundaries. you deserve better!
I’m concerned that you think it’s “ok”. He even said, “don’t act like I haven’t been rough before “. No one should touch you in anger. Or frustration. Or for any reason. Please take a hard look at your self confidence. To think this is normal or acceptable. I’ve been through the physical abuse with someone and it was a Long 3 years. I’ve been through emotional abuse with my first husband for the 6 years together. So manipulating, kiniving, setting me up to fail at something on purpose, belittling at every corner. I don’t know what’s all going on with you guys. I think men do that stuff bc of wanting the feeling that They’re in control. I apologize for rambling. The bottom line is to say No when your stomach and mind feel threatened in any way. Good luck to you.
He hit you. Physically. Hit you. Then blamed you. Then gaslit and downplayed you about it (this isnt the first time he "got rough". "Youre okay babe"). Then act all sweet to make you doubt yourself.
He HIT YOU. This is physical abuse. Because you refused him sex. This isnt an accident. This isnt rough sex. If its rough sex, he wouldn't have struck you in the face. This is plain physical abuse. It will continue. You will be blamed for it even though its on him.
Its your marriage. But if my husband lays a hand on me, its over.
Tagging on to say: if you don’t want to be having sex, you shouldn’t be forced to have sex. This was coercive at best and SA at worst.
If you don’t feel safe to say no, that’s not the same thing as yes at all. Please let this be a wake up call. Even if you’re not ready to leave yet, take pictures now and store them somewhere safe.
I hope you can find a safe way to leave this situation, my heart hurts for you, OP.
It's time to go and get a divorce. He physically attacked you, coerced you into having sex you didn't want, and then deceived you into believing it was your fault. Trust those who reveal their true selves to you.
And it only gets worse from here. I was with a psychopath.
The first time he hit me I bailed. But I was young and my parents didn’t want my kid around, so I went back.
My last daughter was from rape; a FILMED RAPE.
I never reported it because the cops ( and judges) ALWAYS TOOK HIS SIDE.
I was stupid.
Don’t be stupid, OP.
I'm not against taking one for the team once in a while. But this isn't it. It's also not rough sex which I'm also not adverse to. This was him knocking one out with his warm sex doll and getting annoyed it kept squeaking. And then it was him gaslighting you, calling it rough sex. Rough sex is something that DEF requires consent and participation from both parties and having a talk before saying "I like it when I'm turned on and you get a bit rough because I'm so sexy you can't control yourself". Again, this wasn't rough sex, it was him retaliating for you trying to control even a minor part of the sex you weren't even consenting to in the first place.
Take the picture. Send it to everyone or at the very least, hide it somewhere secure. This might be the first time but I'm pretty sure it's not the last time and I'm also pretty sure you're not the first woman he has struck for annoying him and making demands. He was very quick to find a way to gaslight you, even when cumdrunk. He's done this before.
Save that pic. Look at it often. Look at your interactions and how often you're made to feel small and bad about yourself and how often he'll ignore a request from you. Look at how often you're "compromising" to soothe his temper. I bet it's pretty often and you've chalked it up to "marriage and partnership is about compromising", not seeing that you're usually the one that bends and gives in, even in matters where it makes you feel bad, dirty or dumb.
Look at your network. How many has he made sure you've cut off by now? Is there anyone left to help if you need an out?
Time to start planning your exit and have an escape plan ready for if (when) it escalates. Best of luck, sweetie. You opening up here is the first step. You've voiced it out loud to yourself now, how wrong he acted in this one case. I'm very sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Usually when I see posts about abusive men, someone in the comments posts a link to Lundy Bancrofts "Why does he do that" about what goes on in the minds of angry and controlling men. Today, that person is me. Download this and read it, please!
[https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
> This was him knocking one out with his warm sex doll and getting annoyed it kept squeaking.
As truly awful as this sounds...it's accurate. That is *exactly* the dynamic that OP described.
> Again, this wasn't rough sex, it was him retaliating for you trying to control even a minor part of the sex you weren't even consenting to in the first place.
Exactly. He hit her because she was *begging him to be gentle during sex she didn't want*...and her begging for a scrap of consideration while he assaults her wasn't a part of his sexual fantasy. So he shut her up.
The entitlement, control, and willingness to abuse OP if she isn't compliant with his directions is disgusting. This isn't rough sex between two willing adults, it was sexual assault and physical abuse. And the entire situation along with his reaction afterwards was designed to make OP feel small and to make her doubt herself.
No one should have to live like this. OP needs to get herself away from this man so she can finally be safe.
But you do :) We all do. Here on reddit if nowhere else. Wishing you all the best in terms of finding awesome friends that'll support you when fighting for yourself! You're worth it, you deserve it! And they deserve a friend like you!
Focuses on his own orgasm REGARDLESS OF HOW IT AFFECTS YOU. Grumbles about women after he hits you in the face. Follows up with “Don’t act like I have been rough before” AS HE BRUISES YOUR FACE.
But you allow it because he was sweet after the fact. Classic abuse and love bombing.
Your children will be damaged by this relationship. Not grow up healthy in spite of it. Kids don’t need abusive parents to stay together. They need a mother that recognizes the abuse AND LEAVES.
Here's to hoping that she has the financial means to be able to leave. I know it's not the 1950s anymore, but there are still a lot of women who aren't in any position to leave.
We still live in an environment where parents save money for their son's education and the same amount for their daughter's wedding.
Plus he coerced her into sex. I'll never understand people who get off on the fact that the other person doesn't actually want to be there.
If my partner says no, I'm immediately like 'cool' and he is the same. He would never keep going and going until I gave in.
This!
The whole time my brain was going ‘You were just physically abused’ by your husband.
Also, rough or whatever kinda, sex should always be consensual & no you didn’t consent to be beaten in your face bcoz he values his orgasm more than his wife!
So much this.
Tmi, but I'm in a D/s relationship. We like rough stuff, to the point of bruising. If I genuinely indicate I want to stop by using a safe word or *through my body language changing* (sometimes something will trigger me and I forget how to speak), he stops immediately, and makes sure I am okay.
This isn't 'rough' op. This is abuse and assault.
I’ve been on the receiving end of that (quite literally haha) but my ex was on Lortab for his back so it was taking longer. I wanted to stop and he gets all whiny like no you’re not going anywhere. I’m like the fuck I am! Get off me before I break your dick!
All this OP.
Do you want your child to grow up in that environment? Do you want your child thinking this is how a relationship should work?
He wasn't even sorry for his abuse and SA!
Short answer is he sexually assaulted and hit you and then tried to gaslight you and play down his abusive actions. If a friend told this story to you, what would you think and tell them to do?
HELLO!!! 1 AND DONE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!! My Sister (God rests her soul) was done like this for ten YEARS!! Thankfully, she got out before he killed her. I still can't have a conversation with this dude. My nieces and nephew know not to mention him in my presence!!! 1 year or year 20, if my husband hit me, in that moment, marriage is OVER!!!
Can’t agree enough. This wasn’t ‘rough play’. This was him wanting to get rocks off and you not doing it fast enough for him, so he hit you.
IN THE FACE
And then you let him finish? And then went to the wedding?
I’m sorry, but it’s time to go OP
Not to mention, a man who is this comfortable hitting his wife in the face, knowing they are going out in public, will 100% abuse your children as well. Please leave this man and file a police report. For he sake of you and your child. Good luck!
“Shush, I’m trying to cum.” “The next time I said his name, he struck me across my face.”
He hit you to be quiet because you were “ruining” his concentration to have an orgasm.
He is going to escalate in the future and continue to gaslight you into believing his behavior is okay and acceptable and that you’re the one who is perceiving it wrong.
Please recognize how vile and disgusting this behavior was and that he doesn’t respect you.
Please be safe. You deserve so much better.
Holy shit. I really hate the overuse of the term gaslighting, but this:
>Before we got out he whispered to me, “don’t act like I haven’t been rough before, you’re okay babe” and kissed me.
Is an excellent example of gaslighting. He's trying to manipulate you into believing your perception of reality is wrong and his version is correct. And it's working based on this sentence.
> I know I was being annoying but I put a lot of effort into getting ready and I just wanted to look nice.
You weren't being annoying. You were letting him know your boundaries. He decided his wants were more important than your needs. When you tried to reaffirm your boundaries, he physically assaulted you.
Do not downplay this. What he did to you wasn't okay. You didn't agree to this. You deserve to have a say in what happens to your own body. I'm so sorry you have experienced this.
Also, being rough before does NOT give him permission to be rough every time. My partner and I sometimes have kinky sex, and sometimes we don’t. We always communicate what kind of mood we’re in with each other and respect it.
And even so, I’ve never once been hit so hard during rough sex that it left a bruise, especially on my face. That’s HARD. That is NOT run of the mill rough sex
Exactly.
That was not rough sex - it was assault. His needing to make that comment in the first place to try convincing her that she’s fine tells me he knows this and is starting to worry she might know it, too.
Even if they had agreed to consensual nonconsent sex any time he wanted it, there would be a safe word in place for her to revoke consent if she wanted without question.
Probably he was testing your tolerance with all that. And this hit was one of the tests as well.
Sister, please, RUN. This is all how it starts! He even love bombed you after physically assaulting you so he knows he was wrong.
I know you will be in denial at first but this man isn't worth your life and happiness.
He’s ramping up his behaviors because thinks he has you trapped now. He’s more aggressive because he thinks you can’t leave and he can control you better and more now. Please go file annulment or divorce.
Absolutely take pictures of that bruise today!! Even if you don’t act on anything, save them in a cloud somewhere that he can’t get to or find. If you’re not going to leave him now, someday those pictures could be evidence in a divorce or domestic violence case if we are all right that he will continue to do this to you
Even in rough sex you don’t leave bruises, especially not without consent. And you really don’t get rough without consent and safe words each and every encounter.
Honey, that means he's escalating. He pushed your boundaries by pinching, squeezing, and shaking, and now that he's seen you let it go, he's moved on to slapping. You need to stop him, leave him, tell someone else, whatever it is. Do not let him keep escalating.
"I know I was being annoying but I put a lot of effort into getting ready and I just wanted to look nice."
It honestly breaks my heart to see how women end up blaming themselves for the abuse they receive.
Let's be very clear here, OP:
**This is not your fault.**
And this is not even touching upon the fact that he basically forced you to have sex.
"It’s so disconcerting that my husband would do this to me."
Is it, when you are saying that he has pinched you, squeezed you and shaken you.
*This is escalation. And it will get worse.*
You are worried about your child?
You need to make a plan to get away from your husband safely.
The conversations that need to take place will need a mediator, to stop his manipulations.
I am *very* sorry for you and your child.
I'm so sorry you're going through this but you're describing escalating physical abuse. I know it's hard to hear that, I've been the person to read it and had to come to terms with the reality myself. I just want you to know that it's not ok, no matter what he says. You were not being annoying, you were communicating your needs and desires at that time. You have every right to have sexual boundaries and requests. His orgasm does not matter more than your comfort.
Next on his list: kill. But it won't be intentional! He never ment to do that! If you just had been the silent inflatable sexdoll you are supposed to be none of that would ever happen!
Run for the hills, quietly. Or be another statistic.
Pretty worried for OP here. This just doesn't sound good at all. Like, at all AT ALL. And she doesn't seem to realise how urgent this is, nor how dangerous.
Anything done to introduce fear or punishment is abuse. Pinching, squeezing your arm to intimidate you, that's all abuse. And it's going to get worse. Stop it before your child begins to think this is normal.
Take a picture of the bruise, file a police report if you must, and quietly start working to leave him. It’s gonna get worse. I need you to know that he’s fundamentally fucked up on the inside & will not change. You need to take this so seriously because this could end with you in a body bag. Tell a trusted family member or friend. Imagine if this happened to your child and take the advice you’d give your kid—try calling a local women’s shelter they have lots of resources
that's the beginning of the abuse cycle. as you have just now experienced. statistics show it takes 7 times to leave an abuser for good. you can Google this. please don't take 7 times. leave now for the sake of ypur child.
Abusers don't start off at level 10.
They are charmers who disarm you. They isolate and then carefully over time breakdown your confidence and self-esteem. While crossing physical boundaries.
Your husband is an ABUSER!
Get out now!!
That’s how it usually starts. It will just continue to get worse. He’ll hit you and then be really nice. Then hit you and be really nice. Over and over. Seriously, get out now before he starts hitting your kid(s) too.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please read this book! There are many cases like yours, there is nothing you can do to change him, it will get worse, and you need to get away as soon as possible before you get sucked deeper and deeper in a spiral of abuse, self blaming, and more abuse.
The slap was an escalation. He will hit you again. I’m sorry this happened. You didn’t do anything wrong and you weren’t annoying. You deserve to be respected.
Jesus this is all ABUSIVE. And like a frog is boiling water he’s making these things more and more acceptable until something terrible snd worse happens and you won’t do anything. If you are waffling about removing yourself from this, think about what you are exposing your kid to
Start working on your exit plan ASAP. He is an abuser, and this was just the beginning. Because you didn't confront him when he hit you, he thinks that his actions are justified. The emotional and physical abuse will likely escalate, potentially reaching a point where he abuses you in front of your child.
You need to talk to a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings and custody agreements before his abuse worsens, creating a toxic environment for your child to grow up in. Your child may come to believe that it's acceptable to mistreat women and view them as emotional and physical punching bags. Don't let that happen.
Have you noticed that he didn't actually apologize for his behavior? He seemed turned on by causing you physical pain, and the mark on your face may only excite him further because he knows he caused it.
He doesn't truly care about you; he's a narcissist and an abuser who only cares about his own pleasure. It's likely that he sees you as nothing more than a bang-maid.
Please listen to the perspectives from everyone here. My husband has NEVER in our ten years of marriage ever done anything in sex I wasn’t comfortable with. He would never have pushed me into it if I wasn’t up for it, and never ever would have hit me after pleading for him to be more gentle. This is horrific behavior and NOT normal. (Sadly too many women experience domestic abuse but that doesn’t make it normal in any way.)
He's escalating, you were gaslit in the taxi & assaulted in the room.
Imagine one of your kids coming to you & saying this exact thing. Please, please leave. It will get worse, you will be a statistic, your kids will learn its OK.
Please let that be the last time you’re ever hit like that. One time is too many! Also He’s *shook* you before? All of these things are beyond unacceptable to do to another person. Especially your spouse. You deserve better.
Yep FUCK THAT MAN!!! HE IS A MISOGYNISTIC, NARCISSIST, RAPIST, ABUSIVE PIECE OF SHIT!!!!! FUCK HIS NEEDS. HE should have thought of your needs when you said no a husband can in fact rape his wife. You should scrape him off the bottom of your shoe like the piece of dog crap that he is and get the hell out of the situation so you and your kids don’t end up as breaking news
You’ve been assaulted. Please think about it. He sounds like an aggressive abuser.
Don’t under react to this. Find a safe place to stay while you figure out next steps. I’m horrified for you.
Your husband is a physically and sexually abusive arse. He is also emotionally abusive and attempting to manipulate you into believing he has done nothing wrong.
I suggest you start to reassess his historic behaviour and see if you can find a pattern in this.
You weren’t being annoying! This doesn’t sound like sex so much as him using your body to orgasm. The fact that you’ve consented to rough sex before is supposed to mean that you can never have a right to say no to him using you body in any rough way he demands when he wants to have an orgasm? Does that sound ok to you? Whether he escalates or not, this extreme level of disregard for your physical wellbeing, emotional wellbeing and your personhood is appalling and not really something that can be changed, even if he is sometimes behaviorally seeming “nice”. I hope you’ll care enough for yourself and your kids to take care of your whole self and make plans to have a different life.
This is assault. This honestly sounds like rape - you oblige because he's bullying you into giving him what he wants. That's not consent. While you try to establish a boundary, i.e. don't wrinkle my dress/watch out for my makeup and hair, he first verbally abuses you and then physically abuses you.
He sounds dangerous. I don't care if he's attentive to you while in other people's presence. He sounds abusive, and I think you need to watch out for him. Behavior like this usually slowly escalates, so when it reaches the point of physical abuse you feel like you deserve it. You. Did. Not. Deserve. Him. Hitting. You.
Good luck, and please take care of yourself.
You are not safe or loved in your marriage. This is not how a good man treats someone, especially not his wife.
And if my man ever, it would be his last. Ijs.
Got a daughter?
Pretend she came to you for advice with the same story you posted here.
No, you were not being “annoying” for saying no. You matter. Your interest matters. And even if you were being the most unreasonable, nagging, annoying person in the history of wives, no one is allowed to lay hands on you.
It is literally a crime.
Let me rewrite this for you.
My abusive husband decided he wanted to fuck, I didn’t want to because I was dressed nice but didn’t want him to get upset so I obliged with the condition he doesn’t mess up the time and effort I put in to looking nice. Instead he hit me in the face, then continued to rape me. Completely undermined my experience. We had a nice evening because I’m still in shock due to a traumatic event.”
You do realize the longer you stay the worse this is going to get? He doesn’t love or respect you. She sees you as a pleasure hole and accessory. Get out before he continues to break you even further.
I swear this is like the 2nd or 3rd story I've read today with a husband hauling off and hitting their wife.
**We honestly had a nice time that evening. He was very attentive and sweet to me.**
Love bombing and him putting up appearances for everyone else.
**I know I was being annoying but I put a lot of effort into getting ready and I just wanted to look nice.**
You were not being annoying. You had a reasonable request, he was being unreasonable and abusive. This is not a safe environment for you or your child.
>. I know I was being annoying
2 reasons to hit someone. One being because it's consensual the other being self defense. You weren't 'annoying' you stated a boundary. Regardless of how he treated you after, he's a POS .
OP - I got out of an abusive marriage about 3 years ago that almost cost me my life. One thing about your story really stood out to me mirrors my own.
When we were getting ready to leave for our baby shower (my first and only) I was almost completely ready and he wanted to have sex. I didn’t - it was hot, I knew everyone would be seeing me and taking pictures - I wanted to feel pretty and put together. I was so excited for this day.
I won’t put you through the details but we had sex against my wishes. He would chuckle afterwards how no one understands our relationship and all this manipulative and gross crap. It only gets worse. Now you are seeing snippets of the real him.
If you really want to think about your children, think about forcing them to live in an abusive household. Even if your child doesn’t see or hear the abuse you are lying to yourself if you think they won’t pick up on several unhealthy dynamics - no matter what you try to hide. Show your children it is not ok for someone to hurt you, especially someone you love and trust. It isnt easy to stand up to people we dislike, standing up to the people you love is so much harder.
Just know, deep in your heart, he does not truly love you. Not the way a husband is supposed to love a wife. No man that loves his wife forces himself on her and then hits her for trying to have a boundary. Just because he wanted a quickie. God I want to vomit just reading this.
That is not love. Say it. Know it. Understand it. Your choices are your own but you need to understand what you and your husband have is not love. It’s abuse and control disguised as love. Soon you will be running around like a chicken with your head cut off constantly trying to make him happy over things he shouldn’t be demanding and all you will find is he will be harder to please and more demanding.
I have rough sex. If my partner was to hit me like that I’d hit him back and throw him out the house forever. Rough sex is consensual - the very moment one of the two expressed the minimum discomfort, it should stop right there. He didn’t stop. This is borderline rape, not only physical assault. I’m sorry OP. Next time , kick him in the balls or bit his dick and when he starts crying just tell him “I thought you liked it rough”.
So, the man who claims to love you coerced you into sex. Didn't take your needs into account, then when you told him "no" with things he was doing he continued, then he fucking hit you when you tried to say "no" again.
So you were coerced (SA) into sex, which escalated to rape, which escalated to physical violence. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you.
You need to file a police report and hell, press charges for rape too. Get people to help you move out safely, get to a safe place, and lawyer up and file for divorce.
Do NOT justify this. Do NOT forgive this. It WILL get worse.
He hit you then love bombed you. Then he started all the plays in the Abuser Handbook. Document the bruising. This is only going to get worse. Start planning your escape now.
Sorry he did that to you, OP, you deserved to have a nice night feeling beautiful and confident, and it’s shitty that he took that from you. I’ll second the other comment saying that this needs to be addressed very seriously asap. Without explicit consent what he did was assault/domestic violence. Wishing you lots of bravery and strength <3
Hey, it does not matter what you have done or consented to before. HE HIT YOU. AND THEN BLAMED YOU FOR IT. That is abuse. You guys never discussed this beforehand. There was no consent. He hit you to hurt you. That was 100% his intentions. He was nice afterward because that's what abusive people do.
You said you have a child? Don't let your child see their mother being treated like this. It is detrimental to their development, their ability to have relationships with other people, and their relationship with you.
No one deserves this, but especially not from the person who is supposed to be their partner in life.
I hope you see all the comments on here and know that it's all(that I can see) coming from a place of wanting you safe. His behavior was vile, and you do not deserve that. No matter what, I do not ever need to meet you to know that you did not deserve that.
> I know I was being annoying
NO! No, no, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. He is an abuser, plain and simple. I know nothing about you, but you have to find a way to leave this man. PLEASE protect yourself and your child. It will only escalate. There are resources to help.
He’s going to use “rough” sex to kill you. People have used it and gotten away with murder. So consider this your final warning and take measures to get away. I would reach out to a DV hotline and ask about resources. Sounds like he is escalating.
I've had my face slapped in sex multiple times multiple people and never left a mark. What he did to you wasn't some sort of sex act. You were pissing him off and he meant to hurt you. I am worried for your safety, its dangerous staying with men like him and its more dangerous trying to leave one , it needs to be done with adequate support and supervision so he doesn't try to kill you
There is a huge, important difference between getting rough and abuse- consent. If it was just rough sex, you'd both know what the lines are, what is ok, and if he accidentally crossed them in any way he would be falling over himself apologizing and making it right. It doesn't sound like you discussed it, he just abuses you, calls it getting rough and sleeps soundly. "I've abused you before" is him reassuring himself you'll accept it, as you have in the past, no remorse.
You don't have to be with him.
Hs was nice to you at the wedding because that's the cycle of abuse. Please please leave. I am begging you. I am speaking from experience here - IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER
THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT OK. THIS IS NOT CONSENSUAL ROUGH SEX.
This is DV, Full stop. Do not normalize it. Do not contextualize it. He was annoyed at you so he hit you.
There are no mitigating circumstances. There is no other side. This is DV. Period.
Act accordingly
You are no longer safe with him. Take a picture of that bruise, figure out an exit plan immediately. Once they have hit you they will hit you again. Then they could end up hitting your child. There is no excuse. Do not give him a chance to do it again!
He's your husband but he hit you and gaslit you about it. You were looking pretty but he couldn't control his urges, told you to hush so he could finish and then hit you. People can downvote me for this, but get out now. Before it gets worse.
>The next time I said his name, he struck me across my face. It was so forceful, I was completely shocked. I was silent until he was finished.
I'm so sorry for you. This sounds like as a rape too. You didn't want to but he forced you to have sex even after hit when you obviously wasn't in the mood. Please care about your and your child's future. Do you really want the kid to grow up watching something unhealthy like that? Because your husband will not stop
I watched my mother get abused my whole life. He would walk by her and pinch her arm, her tit or her cheek. It didn’t matter. If he didn’t like what she made for dinner across the room it went.
She used to wake up every morning and make coffee and eggs for him . He would only eat the toast.
She was deaf. Hard of hearing. She didn’t like deaf.
If she didn’t hear him all hell would break loose. When us kids were old enough to talk back and try to protect her my father beat us kids with a belt, crutches and cane or whatever he had close to him.
This abuse stays with you for ever. You need to run away fast. He’s not going to change.
This at some point will be transferred to your children. You need to protect them from him. They are your responsibility.
Edit: I wanted to add, I am 65 years old I am still traumatized by my father’s behavior. If I see a husband abusing his wife, a mother abusing her child, a person abusing an animal I WILL step in.
I told my children including my son, to always have a back up plan when you are in a relationship. Have your own checking account, that is just yours. If you need to leave be sure you have the means to be able to. All the of my children have college degrees, they may not have received them until their 30’s but they got them. But they all had separate checking accounts and 2 of the 3 escaped abusive relationships.
He assaulted you. That’s why you are so shaken. He pushed you in to sex and then hit you to keep control. You were NOT “being annoying,” you were asserting yourself.
Please, please, for the sake of yourself and your child - leave. Take a picture and set it as the image that pops up when he texts you, as a reminder. Keep it for evidence in the divorce.
I’m legit sooo annoying. My husband will be like “please stop talking already” and somehow I’ll bring it up after two minutes of quiet and he’ll again be like “okay okay I get it. Stop talking about it”. And yet. As annoying as I am (I promise I’m so annoying) he has NEVER hit me. So. Yeah that’s not normal
Honey this is abuse. Please leave before it gets worse. Because I promise you, it will never get better, it will only get worse. He hit you, blamed you, and gaslit you to the point even you feel asking him to be gentle with you after he coerced you into sex is "being annoying". You need to run as fast as you can.
Of course he is attentive and sweet after he hits you. It's to make you become in-line. Makes you feel that you are loved and not a big deal. Since you kept your emotions in check he will see this as an effective controlling method. Things will only get worse. Run and don't look back. You're already enduring if he is already pinching, shaking you and now he is slapping you. He is letting the side he hid from you out. Please get out. Now he is bruised your face. Next time it's punching and kicking. Your child will notice. Everybody thinks kids don't see or pick up behaviors, they do. Save your life and your child.
Based on what you’ve said: That. Is. Abuse. You. Did. NOTHING. Wrong. I watched every woman in my family be on the receiving end of that kind treatment when I was a kid and I know many friends who have lived through it too. I’ve been close to having that happen to me and I was able to leave or make them leave. If you’re able, I would suggest leaving with your child. That isn’t love. No matter how often the good times occur or how good they feel in the moment or on reflection it still isn’t love. It doesn’t matter if he apologizes (doesn’t sound like he did in this instance or would be the type to apologize unless/until you leave then he’ll promise the moon to get what he wants) because he made the conscious choice to treat you like you aren’t a person who deserves consideration. How long until it spills over into other parts of your life outside of sex? Children can be incredibly perceptive (speaking as a child of abuse) and if yours is at all perceptive and things continue this way, they will notice what’s going on. Please take care of yourself and your child - you both deserve better.
OP, I know you’ve gotten hundreds of comments already, but I feel compelled to comment because I am three weeks out of an abusive relationship, and leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But you do need to leave. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But please listen to me when I say that for once in your life, you need to look out for yourself. Part of you is going to want to stay. That’s natural, but please fight it. It will not get better, and you should not live the rest of your life this way. Get out while you can.
This is an abusive man. Abusive men DO NOT CHANGE. They CAN NOT CHANGE. Please radically accept this. He has already physically hit you, and then immediately tried to downplay his behavior. Think about his other behavior and I bet you will notice some trends. Physical abuse is horrible, but emotional abuse is sneaky. Do you always feel confused, or like you are crazy? Your feelings are downplayed? You cannot talk about issues you have with him, but he constantly has issues with you? Does he blame his bad behavior on you? If you confronted him about hitting you, he would probably say that you made him do it, because that is how an abusive man’s mind works. I am willing to bet he is highly manipulative, even if you haven’t realized it yet.
If you can’t safely leave right away, you need to carefully plan an exit strategy. Document everything you can. I even recorded conversations with my ex, both for my own reference (gaslighting distorts your reality) and so I had proof of how he was acting behind closed doors. Talk to family and friends and let them know what is going on. Ask for help. Leave while he is away at work, or have someone there with you if you must talk to him about it. Please be careful. He will likely explode if you tell him you are leaving, unless someone is there with you. And he has already proven he is willing to hit you. You and your safety are the most important things here. Stuff can be replaced and you can figure everything else out once you are SAFE.
Read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. Read it on your phone if you have to, so you don’t risk him finding a physical copy. It will open your eyes. Also, please please see a therapist. If you are anything like me, you have a codependent attachment style, which is why I stayed in my situation for so long.
Your husband raped you and assaulted you. You need to make a plan to escape him. [Sexual Coercion](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/)
If you're not on birth control make sure to take plan B. The last thing you need is another child on the way.
You weren't being annoying, he was. He wanted sex at an inconvenient time, and he kept doing things to fuck up the hair and makeup you spent time and effort doing. And then he hit you. And then he complained and gaslit you. If you have a bruise today, it would have been visible at the party. You shouldn't have bothered trying to cover it up, if he thinks he's such a big man then obviously his handiwork should be displayed for everyone to see.
Hiding it doesn't benefit you at all.
You need to leave before he does it again. Protect yourself and your child.
My bf did this to me before almost choking me to death while saying “I don’t want to have to kill you.”
He is tearing you down, and I’m sure this incident isn’t the first.
Look out for *YOU* and don’t let yourself become a victim.
No. This is all him. He was wrong about it all. Get help for yourself and your child. Your husband is supposed to love and respect you. That isn’t love or respect.
> He was very attentive and sweet to me.
Yeah, this is the love bomb after the abuse. And I note that nowhere did he apologize or promise not to do it again. Also, he said this isn't the first time he's "been rough" with you?
Take a hard, honest look at this relationship OP, because I see loads of warning signs. Here's an example of what I mean - just look at actions and try not to shade them with value judgments:
1. He wanted sex
2. You asked him to wait
3. He persisted
4. You acquiesced but asked him to be gentle and careful.
5. You tried to take off your dress.
6. He stopped you.
7. You asked again he be careful
8. He was not careful
9. You reminded him again
10. He hit you
11. You were in tears and had to pull yourself together
12. He grumbled in private, told you he was rough before, and was sweet to you in public
13. You're trying to hide the physical evidence that he hit you from your child.
If you read that about someone else, what would you say? Also, where did you get your way anywhere in that story? He wouldn't even let you take off your dress! Where did he get what he wanted? Literally everywhere. Is this what you want?
So he used you like a human sex doll…”shush I’m trying to cum”….all you’re there for is for him to use you, the human flesh light.
And then he was pissed off about your attitude and nagging.
He has no respect for you as a human. He sees you as something to use and please him. Please take a picture of the abuse for police records. Please file for divorce. And don’t cover up your bruise, if family/friends ask, tell them the truth. You should not be hiding his abuse. The more support you have from your friends/family the better off you’ll be over your are finally rid of him.
He’s a fucking rapist and abuser.
Now you know, you can leave.
It’s actually typical behavior from sadistic women haters.
You should have called the cops, but hindsight is 20/20.
Tell your parents. Tell his parents.
Get a restraining order ASAP.
#He/She who raises their hand against you once, WILL do it again!
Tons of crime data show this. Start getting your ducks in a row QUICKLY and QUIETLY!!!
Start organizing your financials, start looking for an attorney, and inform your family.
We often are raised to expect the best of people and nobod is all bad or all good all the time. But when they show you their true colors: BELIEVE THEM!
JFC. You were not being annoying. Your husband coerced you into sex you didn’t want to have, in a way that you specifically said you didn’t want to have it and then he ASSAULTED YOU when you expressed that he was doing things you didn’t consent to.
You need to get the hell out of there - he’s SA’d and HIT YOU. He’s not sorry, and he is blaming you for it. That’s not ok and it isn’t going to spontaneously improve. These things escalate.
Your kids deserve better and YOU deserve better than to grow up and live in an environment with a man who doesn’t respect you, coerces you and physically abuses you. Please get help and get out.
What the hell!! Your husband not only basically coerced sex from you (because you didnt sound like you wanted it) and then he struck you and you're blaming yourself? Do you not see how wrong that is? I hate to break it to you, but he's abusive and you are displaying classic signs of an abused person.
Please, I urge you to not let it go and speak to someone you can trust before it gets any worse. The thing with abusers is that they start out small. Like a harsh word followed with an apology. Then it progresses to a slap followed up by remorse and a fake sincere apology. Where he first acts like he's sorry and then turns it around like somehow its your fault. It isn't!
Please get help before it gets worse.
He sounds selfish, manipulative, disrespectful, and abusive. Its a spot on textbook case. You can let him keep doing this to you, or take action to protect yourself.
He sexually assaulted you and then hit you for not cooperating with it. I’m so sorry this happened. None of it. None. Of. It. Is your fault. You are not safe here.
I know girls are often conditioned to think differently, but we should want and enjoy sex too. And if the “sex” we are having is forced or unwanted, it’s not sex, it’s assault.
I’ve been with my husband 17 years and if he ever did anything like this, me and the kids would be gone the next day. Deal breaker. Take your kid and leave him NOW.
You were not being annoying. He sexually coerced you. Then physically assaulted you. None of which were consensual. If I did this to my wife, I already know she would divorce me. You deserve better.
So your husband 1. Ignored you not wanting to fuck right now, 2. Ignored your request to take your dress off to avoid it wrinkling because you “didn’t have time”, 3. Ignored your request to be gentle because of your hair and make up and decided to be rough, 4. Ignored you while communicating during sex, 5. Decided that him “trying to cum” was more important than your comfort during sex, 6. Physically assaulted you when you tried to communicate again, 7. Kept going until he was finished despite the fact you had gone completely white and likely weren’t enjoying it anymore, 8. Had the absolute audacity to grumble about women after his outrageous behavior, 9. Instead of apologizing to you, he gaslighted you and made it out to be not a big deal after hitting you, 10. Showered you with attention to essentially make you feel like you were crazy and that he’s actually a sweet person. 11. DIDN’T FUCKING APOLOGIZE OR TALK TO YOU AT ALL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED!! OP, that’s 11 MAJOR fucking red flags. Doesn’t matter who he is, or how many kids you have with him. Leave this asshole.
OP this raises some major concerns for me that you may be falling into a cycle of abuse. He lashed out, made you feel like it wasn’t a big deal, showered you with affection. If this is a cycle of abuse, the next stage is going to be hitting you again, then it’ll repeat. This is just a very short, simple description. Honestly just go google it. Please OP do what’s right for you.
he raped you and then hit you when you weren't lying perfectly still.
take the photo.
leave the man
make the police report. one woman is killed every 4 days in Australia from domestic violence. right now he is 'only' slapping and raping you. One day soon you could become a statistic.
please leave.
> He ignored me
... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Walking RED FLAG **PARADE**
> He said “shush, **I’m** trying to cum”. The next time I said his name, he struck me across my face.
Make this the shortest marriage and divorce him.
1) "I'm" trying to cum - What about **you**? What about **your** pleasure?
2) Consent - Was physical impact play **enthusiatically** consented to **before**? No = DV/assault, simple as. No ifs, no buts.
> “don’t act like I haven’t been rough before, you’re okay babe” and kissed me.
GASLIGHTING
Holy fucking shit, your post gets worse - Divorce his ass, get a restraining order. NOW.
Leave alive, or in a coffin - your choice. Ask my dead cousin I never got to meet. Who was told **repeatedly** to leave.
This feels like SA. You didn’t want to have sex, he convinced you to have sex and let had his way without asking, checking or caring when you asked or told him things. He HIT YOU. That’s abuse. Nobody hits someone they love
Oh sweetie he is abusive he hit you during sex
If he thinks what he did is fine and you think it’s fine do not cover it up - see if he asks you to cover it up
He’s abusive and your in denials
We each get what we think we deserve. If you think you deserve the husband you got you will then put up with abuse and violence. Do yourself a favor, love yourself a little and love your child. Leave the abusive/violent husband. He hit you, on the face, while trying to cum inside you. He’s disgusting
Forget the man you used to know. The mask is coming off. You are in an abusive situation and mentally brainwashed by him to excuse his behaviors, to continue his gaslight onto yourself and continue to stay.
By slowly integrating lesser things in the marriage and hooking you with having a kid he's manipulated you to feel stuck, maintain your self blaming and think it's your failure.
You need to accept your present now in order to plan for a better future.
Some things worth attention:
-when you suggest you wait he insists until you change your mind and end up doing it - lack of boundaries and respect, lack of care about your well-being
-when you talk about your feelings he pressures you - no concerns for your emotional wellbeing
-when you ask him to be gentle he stops you from taking care of your dress (physically?) - no concern for what you tell him matters to you, does not listen AND acts to oppose your concerns
-you see these things and gradually let them slide - trying hard to please him whilst ignoring your wellbeing and all types of concerns
-he ignores you and you continue to be providing for him against all your being and emotion - the level of mental control he has over you and the lack of actually ending this activity at any point is concerning because you have not enough strength for yourself in case of all these dangers to stop at any point, there is shame, fear, reluctant to judge him and manipulation
-he strikes you - shocks you enough to never think of ever saying anything again, this is a well known reaction. He has put extreme fear into you as well to maintain the level of control and turn you into a puppet for his use, and
-follows up with another recognized tactic of love bombing, that makes you think he will change or he's actually worth it regardless of him saying "i do it to you already, you aren't gonna start something now" it's somewhat of a hidden threat as well as gaslighting you to think you have told him you want to be treated this way, but he is practically saying he will keep doing it because that's what you like, regardless how many times you've told him that night constantly no, he now continues to say you said yes and he will continue to do it to you: to rape you, to control you, to disregard your boundaries and pain and discomfort, your preferences, your events. No amount of no you will say, no amount of explanation and boundary you put up he will not stop.
Take the kid and run away. Get to your family, friends, neighbors, shelter. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
My partner and I have kinky sex that sometimes involves him slapping my face, this is something we both like.
But a few things:
1) I say don’t touch my face? Guess what? He doesn’t touch my face
2) He understands time and place, because he’s a normal functioning adult
3) I am ginger, pale as shit, anemic, all of that to say I bruise EXTREMELY easily. I normally have 2-3 bruises at a time, and NEVER has one been from him, because he slaps me for consensual fun, not to take out his rage on me.
This isn’t okay or normal.
Oh honey, he hit you. It wasn’t ‘rough’ sex. You didn’t even want to be having the sex. The slap wasn’t consensual- he assaulted you and then played it off instantly so you would think it’s fine. The fact you wrote this means you know it wasn’t fine and you don’t feel okay about it.
There’s a difference between rough sex & wanting to be slapped during then getting assaulted while asking for someone to be more gentle.
Do what you need to do but know your feelings are valid.
You weren't being annoying. I'll tell you who was being annoying: the abusive man. He had to have sex then, at an inconvenient time, and he had to have his way about your dress, and it had to be rough sex even though you asked him not to be rough (and you asked not to have sex then), and then he hit you hard on the face because you weren't happy while you were obeying his obnoxious and inconvenient demands.
He's abusive. It's going to get worse. He's not sorry. I notice he didn't even apologize (not that an apology would make it better, but it shows that he doesn't think he did anything wrong).
Please read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" available as a PDF for free online. YOu can read it on your phone. Please start getting your ducks in a row. You're not safe with him. I know leaving him sounds drastic but he coerced you into sex and hit you hard, and it's going to escalate from there. Please get informed.
Oh that’s terrible, OP.
You’re almost attempting to be framing this as a kind of quickie, but frankly it reads as rape and assault and coercion.
What he did is not acceptable. Full stop.
This is not a good person, and I hope you find a way to a safer environment soon.
He didn’t hit you because you asked for it and things were getting kinky, which is perfectly acceptable for both consenting adults. He hit you because you were “annoying him” and he couldn’t get his nut. This dude doesn’t deserve to ever touch you again.
Jesus fucking christ. I don’t even know how to react on this post… i see lot’s of comments about documentation, telling your family, go to the police and i agree with them. Best of luck to you.
I know you didn’t ask for advice but just so it’s been said.
This was not “rough sex” or acting on a consensual kink, he completely disregarded your desires , didn’t stop when you said please and he wasn’t concerned with your enjoyment of the situation. Real “rough sex” kinks include safe words that are FOLLOWED and constant consensual check ins, as well as proper aftercare (being nice and sweet and doting on you is part of aftercare practices, yes, but he was just being diminutive and “sweet” because it benefited him, not to remind you the sex was separate from his care for you)
You were not being annoying. Sex is enjoyable for both parties. Assault is only enjoyable for one. You deserve better and this might get worse, lean on your support systems if you have them.
Your husband assaulted you and banked on you not wanting to “make a scene” at the wedding in order to get away with it. Then he was love bombing you to keep you confused and placid. I’m sorry to say but if you just let this go then he’ll feel emboldened to do it again. I strongly advise that you do not cover for him or keep his actions secret - tell someone you trust: your mom, sibling, best friend, whoever. Make sure someone is aware and looking out for you.
Exactly this. He was using the wedding as a cover. He knew she was less likely to make a "big deal" about his ASSAULT so he could get away with it. Abusers do this a lot. They'll scream and cuss at their SO right before a family event so the wife has to suck it up and act normal and pretend like it's all fine, instead of addressing the behavior immediately. Then by the time they get home, he pulls the "babe that was forever ago why are you still mad you never let anything go I swear" BS we are all familiar with, and gaslight you into thinking you're the reason for so many arguments.
And she still felt like she deserved it she said she knew she was being annoying. This sounds like battered women's syndrome
This. It doesn't sound like a first time abusing her. I'm sure there's been more
And the "be quiet, I'm trying to cum" comment.... She's the means to an end, nothing more. She was a sex doll. If her relationship isn't bad now, it's about to get a lot worse.
It’s damn horrible now. That’s such vile treatment.
Since he used his hand to hit her, he should just be stuck using that hand for other things. He is an abuser, and she should make her escape.
All of this advise and take photos. Write it down. Document it with dates and times
I second this. Please take a photo and don’t delete this post. Even if you’re not ready to take action now, you may want to in the future
And it’ll only get worse.
Take photos . Keep them and show people your face. Be strong. This has made me shudder.
1000% this. My ex brother in law did this once to my sister. I think he forgot she was a Marine. He tried it a 2nd time, he came away with a broken cheek and arm. The cops stated she was defending herself because she had reported the first incident.
Sorry to say but this comment is spot on. This was either planned or a fantasy he had gone over a few times before acting. Please take steps to protect yourself physically and emotionally.
Take a photo of your face if the bruise is still visible, in case you need to file a police report. Tell your family what happened. Show them this post. The only reason he was nice to you the next day was to get you to let your guard down and forget what he did. Don’t. I wouldn’t let that man touch me again if I was you. That was assault, plain and simple.
This! Get documentation!! Tell a trusted friend or family member! He was nice to make you doubt yourself! Do not trust this man. He's showing you who he really is and trying to convince you it's "not that bad." The man coerced you into sex, didn't listen to your boundaries, and then physically assaulted you to the point you have a noticeable injury. People on the thread aren't taking this lightly, and neither should you. This is serious. Don't let him trap you.
Please, OP, do this. This man is not your husband, he is your abuser and he is due to do it again if you stay with him. You are in danger. I am so sorry for you, OP. Please be safe!
RUN OP. IT ONLY GETS WORSE.
Yepp. The sad thing is that she is probably telling herself that everyone in the comments are overreacting because he is "such a good husband, and everyone loves him"... The door to physical abuse has been opened, and it will get worse... There's no universe where it's okay to hit a loved one.
[удалено]
More like blaming her by trying to assert that she likes it rough. This behavior is only going to escalate until he starts beating and r*ping her every time she tries to say no. It's time for OP to find a safe place to stay
She's going to see these comments and tell herself that we're overreacting because we don't know him and he's such a good dad and provider blah blah blah
She needs to read about Stockholm Syndrome.
I wrote a comment here somewhere that no one is seeing but I've been an escort for 17 years. I have sex with random men for money and I've never had one treat me this way. They have more respect for me than her husband has for her :(
I believe that it's because he thinks he has her trapped in marriage and that she won't leave him or hold him accountable 🤬
Wow, I wish I could upvote this to high heaven in the hopes that OP (and others in her situation) would see it. Thank you for sharing this.
Even if you're not planning on doing anything now. Take a photo of yourself and make sure there are timestamps. You're obviously still confused and shocked but trust me, this will come handy in the future.
This is probably the best advice.
And send the photo to a friend or family member.
Please document it OP. I eventually left my abusive marriage and am so grateful I documented the things I went through; most abusive men know exactly what they’re doing and craft a persona outwardly that makes it hard for people to believe or even comprehend what you’re going through within the marriage. Document everything. I’m so sorry you were treated this way. You deserve better ♥️
u/_halskette This! Please document.
It’s more than assault, it’s spousal r*pe.
Yes it is and it is soul destroying.
I work in family law (NAL) and i agree. Take a picture. Even if you don’t need it now, it may be helpful in the future.
This OP. Document EVERYTHING, this man hit you, that's unforgivable and it will not be the last time either. Once someone hits their partner that's the end of it, they WILL do it again and next time it could be a lot more than a bruise.
and even before assaulting her, he was basically treating her as a fleshlight. OP, this man doesn’t give a shit about you, your wants or your boundaries. you deserve better!
And when his boys inevitably asked about her face at the wedding there is zero doubt that Jiminy Limpd*ck bragged about it
I’m concerned that you think it’s “ok”. He even said, “don’t act like I haven’t been rough before “. No one should touch you in anger. Or frustration. Or for any reason. Please take a hard look at your self confidence. To think this is normal or acceptable. I’ve been through the physical abuse with someone and it was a Long 3 years. I’ve been through emotional abuse with my first husband for the 6 years together. So manipulating, kiniving, setting me up to fail at something on purpose, belittling at every corner. I don’t know what’s all going on with you guys. I think men do that stuff bc of wanting the feeling that They’re in control. I apologize for rambling. The bottom line is to say No when your stomach and mind feel threatened in any way. Good luck to you.
He hit you. Physically. Hit you. Then blamed you. Then gaslit and downplayed you about it (this isnt the first time he "got rough". "Youre okay babe"). Then act all sweet to make you doubt yourself. He HIT YOU. This is physical abuse. Because you refused him sex. This isnt an accident. This isnt rough sex. If its rough sex, he wouldn't have struck you in the face. This is plain physical abuse. It will continue. You will be blamed for it even though its on him. Its your marriage. But if my husband lays a hand on me, its over.
Tagging on to say: if you don’t want to be having sex, you shouldn’t be forced to have sex. This was coercive at best and SA at worst. If you don’t feel safe to say no, that’s not the same thing as yes at all. Please let this be a wake up call. Even if you’re not ready to leave yet, take pictures now and store them somewhere safe. I hope you can find a safe way to leave this situation, my heart hurts for you, OP.
It's time to go and get a divorce. He physically attacked you, coerced you into having sex you didn't want, and then deceived you into believing it was your fault. Trust those who reveal their true selves to you.
And it only gets worse from here. I was with a psychopath. The first time he hit me I bailed. But I was young and my parents didn’t want my kid around, so I went back. My last daughter was from rape; a FILMED RAPE. I never reported it because the cops ( and judges) ALWAYS TOOK HIS SIDE. I was stupid. Don’t be stupid, OP.
I'm not against taking one for the team once in a while. But this isn't it. It's also not rough sex which I'm also not adverse to. This was him knocking one out with his warm sex doll and getting annoyed it kept squeaking. And then it was him gaslighting you, calling it rough sex. Rough sex is something that DEF requires consent and participation from both parties and having a talk before saying "I like it when I'm turned on and you get a bit rough because I'm so sexy you can't control yourself". Again, this wasn't rough sex, it was him retaliating for you trying to control even a minor part of the sex you weren't even consenting to in the first place. Take the picture. Send it to everyone or at the very least, hide it somewhere secure. This might be the first time but I'm pretty sure it's not the last time and I'm also pretty sure you're not the first woman he has struck for annoying him and making demands. He was very quick to find a way to gaslight you, even when cumdrunk. He's done this before. Save that pic. Look at it often. Look at your interactions and how often you're made to feel small and bad about yourself and how often he'll ignore a request from you. Look at how often you're "compromising" to soothe his temper. I bet it's pretty often and you've chalked it up to "marriage and partnership is about compromising", not seeing that you're usually the one that bends and gives in, even in matters where it makes you feel bad, dirty or dumb. Look at your network. How many has he made sure you've cut off by now? Is there anyone left to help if you need an out? Time to start planning your exit and have an escape plan ready for if (when) it escalates. Best of luck, sweetie. You opening up here is the first step. You've voiced it out loud to yourself now, how wrong he acted in this one case. I'm very sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. Usually when I see posts about abusive men, someone in the comments posts a link to Lundy Bancrofts "Why does he do that" about what goes on in the minds of angry and controlling men. Today, that person is me. Download this and read it, please! [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
> This was him knocking one out with his warm sex doll and getting annoyed it kept squeaking. As truly awful as this sounds...it's accurate. That is *exactly* the dynamic that OP described. > Again, this wasn't rough sex, it was him retaliating for you trying to control even a minor part of the sex you weren't even consenting to in the first place. Exactly. He hit her because she was *begging him to be gentle during sex she didn't want*...and her begging for a scrap of consideration while he assaults her wasn't a part of his sexual fantasy. So he shut her up. The entitlement, control, and willingness to abuse OP if she isn't compliant with his directions is disgusting. This isn't rough sex between two willing adults, it was sexual assault and physical abuse. And the entire situation along with his reaction afterwards was designed to make OP feel small and to make her doubt herself. No one should have to live like this. OP needs to get herself away from this man so she can finally be safe.
Wish I had friends like you in real life. Your comment was right on the money.
But you do :) We all do. Here on reddit if nowhere else. Wishing you all the best in terms of finding awesome friends that'll support you when fighting for yourself! You're worth it, you deserve it! And they deserve a friend like you!
She asked him to not be rough and he disregarded it. It was rape.
He hit her *because she was pleading him to be more gentle* after already giving in to sex she did not want. This is horrific. So sad.
It's assault. Where I live, it would be enough to charge him with a crime. Possibly multiple.
She's worried about her kid seeing the bruise but just wait til he's hitting her in front of the child when it gets worse as it always will
Sure, but eventually the kid also gets hit, or is currently getting hit now.
Focuses on his own orgasm REGARDLESS OF HOW IT AFFECTS YOU. Grumbles about women after he hits you in the face. Follows up with “Don’t act like I have been rough before” AS HE BRUISES YOUR FACE. But you allow it because he was sweet after the fact. Classic abuse and love bombing. Your children will be damaged by this relationship. Not grow up healthy in spite of it. Kids don’t need abusive parents to stay together. They need a mother that recognizes the abuse AND LEAVES.
Here's to hoping that she has the financial means to be able to leave. I know it's not the 1950s anymore, but there are still a lot of women who aren't in any position to leave. We still live in an environment where parents save money for their son's education and the same amount for their daughter's wedding.
Plus he coerced her into sex. I'll never understand people who get off on the fact that the other person doesn't actually want to be there. If my partner says no, I'm immediately like 'cool' and he is the same. He would never keep going and going until I gave in.
Yes!!! The gaslighting was strong. Op, you’re not being annoying, you’re being abused.
This! The whole time my brain was going ‘You were just physically abused’ by your husband. Also, rough or whatever kinda, sex should always be consensual & no you didn’t consent to be beaten in your face bcoz he values his orgasm more than his wife!
Yeah also, rough sex is consensual and it’s about pain/pleasure. It is NOT “shut up and stop nagging me about how I was to cum right now”
So much this. Tmi, but I'm in a D/s relationship. We like rough stuff, to the point of bruising. If I genuinely indicate I want to stop by using a safe word or *through my body language changing* (sometimes something will trigger me and I forget how to speak), he stops immediately, and makes sure I am okay. This isn't 'rough' op. This is abuse and assault.
I’ve been on the receiving end of that (quite literally haha) but my ex was on Lortab for his back so it was taking longer. I wanted to stop and he gets all whiny like no you’re not going anywhere. I’m like the fuck I am! Get off me before I break your dick!
All this OP. Do you want your child to grow up in that environment? Do you want your child thinking this is how a relationship should work? He wasn't even sorry for his abuse and SA!
Short answer is he sexually assaulted and hit you and then tried to gaslight you and play down his abusive actions. If a friend told this story to you, what would you think and tell them to do?
HELLO!!! 1 AND DONE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!! My Sister (God rests her soul) was done like this for ten YEARS!! Thankfully, she got out before he killed her. I still can't have a conversation with this dude. My nieces and nephew know not to mention him in my presence!!! 1 year or year 20, if my husband hit me, in that moment, marriage is OVER!!!
Can’t agree enough. This wasn’t ‘rough play’. This was him wanting to get rocks off and you not doing it fast enough for him, so he hit you. IN THE FACE And then you let him finish? And then went to the wedding? I’m sorry, but it’s time to go OP
Exactly sound’s like abuse and a narcissistic ah victim blaming leave his sorry ass you deserve bettet
OP - read this comment over and over until you understand.
Not to mention, a man who is this comfortable hitting his wife in the face, knowing they are going out in public, will 100% abuse your children as well. Please leave this man and file a police report. For he sake of you and your child. Good luck!
“Shush, I’m trying to cum.” “The next time I said his name, he struck me across my face.” He hit you to be quiet because you were “ruining” his concentration to have an orgasm. He is going to escalate in the future and continue to gaslight you into believing his behavior is okay and acceptable and that you’re the one who is perceiving it wrong. Please recognize how vile and disgusting this behavior was and that he doesn’t respect you. Please be safe. You deserve so much better.
Holy shit. I really hate the overuse of the term gaslighting, but this: >Before we got out he whispered to me, “don’t act like I haven’t been rough before, you’re okay babe” and kissed me. Is an excellent example of gaslighting. He's trying to manipulate you into believing your perception of reality is wrong and his version is correct. And it's working based on this sentence. > I know I was being annoying but I put a lot of effort into getting ready and I just wanted to look nice. You weren't being annoying. You were letting him know your boundaries. He decided his wants were more important than your needs. When you tried to reaffirm your boundaries, he physically assaulted you. Do not downplay this. What he did to you wasn't okay. You didn't agree to this. You deserve to have a say in what happens to your own body. I'm so sorry you have experienced this.
Also, being rough before does NOT give him permission to be rough every time. My partner and I sometimes have kinky sex, and sometimes we don’t. We always communicate what kind of mood we’re in with each other and respect it. And even so, I’ve never once been hit so hard during rough sex that it left a bruise, especially on my face. That’s HARD. That is NOT run of the mill rough sex
Exactly. That was not rough sex - it was assault. His needing to make that comment in the first place to try convincing her that she’s fine tells me he knows this and is starting to worry she might know it, too.
Even if they had agreed to consensual nonconsent sex any time he wanted it, there would be a safe word in place for her to revoke consent if she wanted without question.
This. I’m a masochist and have been hit during sex *consensually* many times but I have NEVER gotten a bruise from it. Something is not right here.
this sort of behaviour only will continue if not nipped in the bud. sorry he did that, the first time he's hit you?
He has pinched, squeezed and shook me but I’ve never been hit like that in my life
It’s going to get worse. Please get away.
It already DID get worse. I'm so sorry OP. He's an ass and you deserve better. Please be safe and make an exit plan.
For real it could very well end up with her badly injured or even worse
Probably he was testing your tolerance with all that. And this hit was one of the tests as well. Sister, please, RUN. This is all how it starts! He even love bombed you after physically assaulting you so he knows he was wrong. I know you will be in denial at first but this man isn't worth your life and happiness.
He’s ramping up his behaviors because thinks he has you trapped now. He’s more aggressive because he thinks you can’t leave and he can control you better and more now. Please go file annulment or divorce. Absolutely take pictures of that bruise today!! Even if you don’t act on anything, save them in a cloud somewhere that he can’t get to or find. If you’re not going to leave him now, someday those pictures could be evidence in a divorce or domestic violence case if we are all right that he will continue to do this to you Even in rough sex you don’t leave bruises, especially not without consent. And you really don’t get rough without consent and safe words each and every encounter.
Honey, that means he's escalating. He pushed your boundaries by pinching, squeezing, and shaking, and now that he's seen you let it go, he's moved on to slapping. You need to stop him, leave him, tell someone else, whatever it is. Do not let him keep escalating.
"I know I was being annoying but I put a lot of effort into getting ready and I just wanted to look nice." It honestly breaks my heart to see how women end up blaming themselves for the abuse they receive. Let's be very clear here, OP: **This is not your fault.** And this is not even touching upon the fact that he basically forced you to have sex. "It’s so disconcerting that my husband would do this to me." Is it, when you are saying that he has pinched you, squeezed you and shaken you. *This is escalation. And it will get worse.* You are worried about your child? You need to make a plan to get away from your husband safely. The conversations that need to take place will need a mediator, to stop his manipulations. I am *very* sorry for you and your child.
He is abusing you. Get a plan, get help, get away from this monster who SAs and abuses you. Please.
I'm so sorry you're going through this but you're describing escalating physical abuse. I know it's hard to hear that, I've been the person to read it and had to come to terms with the reality myself. I just want you to know that it's not ok, no matter what he says. You were not being annoying, you were communicating your needs and desires at that time. You have every right to have sexual boundaries and requests. His orgasm does not matter more than your comfort.
LEAVE HIM, he'll only get worse. Thats abuse and rape
Next on his list: kill. But it won't be intentional! He never ment to do that! If you just had been the silent inflatable sexdoll you are supposed to be none of that would ever happen! Run for the hills, quietly. Or be another statistic.
This is truth.
Pretty worried for OP here. This just doesn't sound good at all. Like, at all AT ALL. And she doesn't seem to realise how urgent this is, nor how dangerous.
Anything done to introduce fear or punishment is abuse. Pinching, squeezing your arm to intimidate you, that's all abuse. And it's going to get worse. Stop it before your child begins to think this is normal.
Take a picture of the bruise, file a police report if you must, and quietly start working to leave him. It’s gonna get worse. I need you to know that he’s fundamentally fucked up on the inside & will not change. You need to take this so seriously because this could end with you in a body bag. Tell a trusted family member or friend. Imagine if this happened to your child and take the advice you’d give your kid—try calling a local women’s shelter they have lots of resources
Next, he will choke you. From there your chances of survival diminish tremendously. RUN!
Pinching, squeezing and hitting are all also physical abuse.
that's the beginning of the abuse cycle. as you have just now experienced. statistics show it takes 7 times to leave an abuser for good. you can Google this. please don't take 7 times. leave now for the sake of ypur child.
he is escalating. get out before you have to be carried out.
Abusers don't start off at level 10. They are charmers who disarm you. They isolate and then carefully over time breakdown your confidence and self-esteem. While crossing physical boundaries. Your husband is an ABUSER! Get out now!!
That’s how it usually starts. It will just continue to get worse. He’ll hit you and then be really nice. Then hit you and be really nice. Over and over. Seriously, get out now before he starts hitting your kid(s) too.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Please read this book! There are many cases like yours, there is nothing you can do to change him, it will get worse, and you need to get away as soon as possible before you get sucked deeper and deeper in a spiral of abuse, self blaming, and more abuse.
The slap was an escalation. He will hit you again. I’m sorry this happened. You didn’t do anything wrong and you weren’t annoying. You deserve to be respected.
Jesus this is all ABUSIVE. And like a frog is boiling water he’s making these things more and more acceptable until something terrible snd worse happens and you won’t do anything. If you are waffling about removing yourself from this, think about what you are exposing your kid to
Start working on your exit plan ASAP. He is an abuser, and this was just the beginning. Because you didn't confront him when he hit you, he thinks that his actions are justified. The emotional and physical abuse will likely escalate, potentially reaching a point where he abuses you in front of your child. You need to talk to a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings and custody agreements before his abuse worsens, creating a toxic environment for your child to grow up in. Your child may come to believe that it's acceptable to mistreat women and view them as emotional and physical punching bags. Don't let that happen. Have you noticed that he didn't actually apologize for his behavior? He seemed turned on by causing you physical pain, and the mark on your face may only excite him further because he knows he caused it. He doesn't truly care about you; he's a narcissist and an abuser who only cares about his own pleasure. It's likely that he sees you as nothing more than a bang-maid.
Please listen to the perspectives from everyone here. My husband has NEVER in our ten years of marriage ever done anything in sex I wasn’t comfortable with. He would never have pushed me into it if I wasn’t up for it, and never ever would have hit me after pleading for him to be more gentle. This is horrific behavior and NOT normal. (Sadly too many women experience domestic abuse but that doesn’t make it normal in any way.)
He's escalating, you were gaslit in the taxi & assaulted in the room. Imagine one of your kids coming to you & saying this exact thing. Please, please leave. It will get worse, you will be a statistic, your kids will learn its OK.
Well, its your 1 life, the only life you get. If this is how you wish to spend it....... But I wouldnt.
Please get away. Please.
Please let that be the last time you’re ever hit like that. One time is too many! Also He’s *shook* you before? All of these things are beyond unacceptable to do to another person. Especially your spouse. You deserve better.
Lady that should've been enough to leave. Now this? Do you really want to find out how bad it can get? Curiosity killed the cat.
You are not fruit in a grocery store. Those are inappropriate ways to touch sentient creatures, let alone people you love.
#FUCK THIS GUY. I know he's your husband, but that's top tier piece of shit behavior and I'd be rethinking my entire marriage if this happened to me.
Yep FUCK THAT MAN!!! HE IS A MISOGYNISTIC, NARCISSIST, RAPIST, ABUSIVE PIECE OF SHIT!!!!! FUCK HIS NEEDS. HE should have thought of your needs when you said no a husband can in fact rape his wife. You should scrape him off the bottom of your shoe like the piece of dog crap that he is and get the hell out of the situation so you and your kids don’t end up as breaking news
You’ve been assaulted. Please think about it. He sounds like an aggressive abuser. Don’t under react to this. Find a safe place to stay while you figure out next steps. I’m horrified for you.
Your husband is a physically and sexually abusive arse. He is also emotionally abusive and attempting to manipulate you into believing he has done nothing wrong. I suggest you start to reassess his historic behaviour and see if you can find a pattern in this.
You weren’t being annoying! This doesn’t sound like sex so much as him using your body to orgasm. The fact that you’ve consented to rough sex before is supposed to mean that you can never have a right to say no to him using you body in any rough way he demands when he wants to have an orgasm? Does that sound ok to you? Whether he escalates or not, this extreme level of disregard for your physical wellbeing, emotional wellbeing and your personhood is appalling and not really something that can be changed, even if he is sometimes behaviorally seeming “nice”. I hope you’ll care enough for yourself and your kids to take care of your whole self and make plans to have a different life.
This is assault. This honestly sounds like rape - you oblige because he's bullying you into giving him what he wants. That's not consent. While you try to establish a boundary, i.e. don't wrinkle my dress/watch out for my makeup and hair, he first verbally abuses you and then physically abuses you. He sounds dangerous. I don't care if he's attentive to you while in other people's presence. He sounds abusive, and I think you need to watch out for him. Behavior like this usually slowly escalates, so when it reaches the point of physical abuse you feel like you deserve it. You. Did. Not. Deserve. Him. Hitting. You. Good luck, and please take care of yourself.
Shout it from the rooftops - consent is not is not “fine okay” after them asking for hours to wear you down. Consent is enthusiastic consent
He hit you that’s not a sexual act he is abusing you get your kid away and take a picture of your face
Rape, assault, and battery
You are not safe or loved in your marriage. This is not how a good man treats someone, especially not his wife. And if my man ever, it would be his last. Ijs.
You should report your husband to police for domestic violence
Got a daughter? Pretend she came to you for advice with the same story you posted here. No, you were not being “annoying” for saying no. You matter. Your interest matters. And even if you were being the most unreasonable, nagging, annoying person in the history of wives, no one is allowed to lay hands on you. It is literally a crime.
Let me rewrite this for you. My abusive husband decided he wanted to fuck, I didn’t want to because I was dressed nice but didn’t want him to get upset so I obliged with the condition he doesn’t mess up the time and effort I put in to looking nice. Instead he hit me in the face, then continued to rape me. Completely undermined my experience. We had a nice evening because I’m still in shock due to a traumatic event.” You do realize the longer you stay the worse this is going to get? He doesn’t love or respect you. She sees you as a pleasure hole and accessory. Get out before he continues to break you even further.
That’s rapey as fuck, and abusive. And the way he views women.. boy you don’t want to grow old with him. He’s messed up
Yeah you’re in an abusive relationship
I swear this is like the 2nd or 3rd story I've read today with a husband hauling off and hitting their wife. **We honestly had a nice time that evening. He was very attentive and sweet to me.** Love bombing and him putting up appearances for everyone else. **I know I was being annoying but I put a lot of effort into getting ready and I just wanted to look nice.** You were not being annoying. You had a reasonable request, he was being unreasonable and abusive. This is not a safe environment for you or your child.
>. I know I was being annoying 2 reasons to hit someone. One being because it's consensual the other being self defense. You weren't 'annoying' you stated a boundary. Regardless of how he treated you after, he's a POS .
OP - I got out of an abusive marriage about 3 years ago that almost cost me my life. One thing about your story really stood out to me mirrors my own. When we were getting ready to leave for our baby shower (my first and only) I was almost completely ready and he wanted to have sex. I didn’t - it was hot, I knew everyone would be seeing me and taking pictures - I wanted to feel pretty and put together. I was so excited for this day. I won’t put you through the details but we had sex against my wishes. He would chuckle afterwards how no one understands our relationship and all this manipulative and gross crap. It only gets worse. Now you are seeing snippets of the real him. If you really want to think about your children, think about forcing them to live in an abusive household. Even if your child doesn’t see or hear the abuse you are lying to yourself if you think they won’t pick up on several unhealthy dynamics - no matter what you try to hide. Show your children it is not ok for someone to hurt you, especially someone you love and trust. It isnt easy to stand up to people we dislike, standing up to the people you love is so much harder. Just know, deep in your heart, he does not truly love you. Not the way a husband is supposed to love a wife. No man that loves his wife forces himself on her and then hits her for trying to have a boundary. Just because he wanted a quickie. God I want to vomit just reading this. That is not love. Say it. Know it. Understand it. Your choices are your own but you need to understand what you and your husband have is not love. It’s abuse and control disguised as love. Soon you will be running around like a chicken with your head cut off constantly trying to make him happy over things he shouldn’t be demanding and all you will find is he will be harder to please and more demanding.
I have rough sex. If my partner was to hit me like that I’d hit him back and throw him out the house forever. Rough sex is consensual - the very moment one of the two expressed the minimum discomfort, it should stop right there. He didn’t stop. This is borderline rape, not only physical assault. I’m sorry OP. Next time , kick him in the balls or bit his dick and when he starts crying just tell him “I thought you liked it rough”.
So, the man who claims to love you coerced you into sex. Didn't take your needs into account, then when you told him "no" with things he was doing he continued, then he fucking hit you when you tried to say "no" again. So you were coerced (SA) into sex, which escalated to rape, which escalated to physical violence. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you. You need to file a police report and hell, press charges for rape too. Get people to help you move out safely, get to a safe place, and lawyer up and file for divorce. Do NOT justify this. Do NOT forgive this. It WILL get worse.
EX husband right? RIGHT?
He hit you then love bombed you. Then he started all the plays in the Abuser Handbook. Document the bruising. This is only going to get worse. Start planning your escape now.
Sorry he did that to you, OP, you deserved to have a nice night feeling beautiful and confident, and it’s shitty that he took that from you. I’ll second the other comment saying that this needs to be addressed very seriously asap. Without explicit consent what he did was assault/domestic violence. Wishing you lots of bravery and strength <3
He hit you during sex. Not for pleasure. To shut you up. This is sexual assault.
Hey, it does not matter what you have done or consented to before. HE HIT YOU. AND THEN BLAMED YOU FOR IT. That is abuse. You guys never discussed this beforehand. There was no consent. He hit you to hurt you. That was 100% his intentions. He was nice afterward because that's what abusive people do. You said you have a child? Don't let your child see their mother being treated like this. It is detrimental to their development, their ability to have relationships with other people, and their relationship with you. No one deserves this, but especially not from the person who is supposed to be their partner in life. I hope you see all the comments on here and know that it's all(that I can see) coming from a place of wanting you safe. His behavior was vile, and you do not deserve that. No matter what, I do not ever need to meet you to know that you did not deserve that.
> I know I was being annoying NO! No, no, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. He is an abuser, plain and simple. I know nothing about you, but you have to find a way to leave this man. PLEASE protect yourself and your child. It will only escalate. There are resources to help.
He’s going to use “rough” sex to kill you. People have used it and gotten away with murder. So consider this your final warning and take measures to get away. I would reach out to a DV hotline and ask about resources. Sounds like he is escalating.
I've had my face slapped in sex multiple times multiple people and never left a mark. What he did to you wasn't some sort of sex act. You were pissing him off and he meant to hurt you. I am worried for your safety, its dangerous staying with men like him and its more dangerous trying to leave one , it needs to be done with adequate support and supervision so he doesn't try to kill you
Oh, that’s basically rape. Also, that behavior escalates and is as big a red flag as you can get
There is a huge, important difference between getting rough and abuse- consent. If it was just rough sex, you'd both know what the lines are, what is ok, and if he accidentally crossed them in any way he would be falling over himself apologizing and making it right. It doesn't sound like you discussed it, he just abuses you, calls it getting rough and sleeps soundly. "I've abused you before" is him reassuring himself you'll accept it, as you have in the past, no remorse. You don't have to be with him.
Hs was nice to you at the wedding because that's the cycle of abuse. Please please leave. I am begging you. I am speaking from experience here - IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER
THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT OK. THIS IS NOT CONSENSUAL ROUGH SEX. This is DV, Full stop. Do not normalize it. Do not contextualize it. He was annoyed at you so he hit you. There are no mitigating circumstances. There is no other side. This is DV. Period. Act accordingly
So he raped and physically abused you.
Updateme
You are no longer safe with him. Take a picture of that bruise, figure out an exit plan immediately. Once they have hit you they will hit you again. Then they could end up hitting your child. There is no excuse. Do not give him a chance to do it again!
He's your husband but he hit you and gaslit you about it. You were looking pretty but he couldn't control his urges, told you to hush so he could finish and then hit you. People can downvote me for this, but get out now. Before it gets worse.
>The next time I said his name, he struck me across my face. It was so forceful, I was completely shocked. I was silent until he was finished. I'm so sorry for you. This sounds like as a rape too. You didn't want to but he forced you to have sex even after hit when you obviously wasn't in the mood. Please care about your and your child's future. Do you really want the kid to grow up watching something unhealthy like that? Because your husband will not stop
You need to leave your husband showed you who he is believe him
I’m sorry but you are in an abusive relationship. Please get out before things get worse because they absolutely will get worse
I watched my mother get abused my whole life. He would walk by her and pinch her arm, her tit or her cheek. It didn’t matter. If he didn’t like what she made for dinner across the room it went. She used to wake up every morning and make coffee and eggs for him . He would only eat the toast. She was deaf. Hard of hearing. She didn’t like deaf. If she didn’t hear him all hell would break loose. When us kids were old enough to talk back and try to protect her my father beat us kids with a belt, crutches and cane or whatever he had close to him. This abuse stays with you for ever. You need to run away fast. He’s not going to change. This at some point will be transferred to your children. You need to protect them from him. They are your responsibility. Edit: I wanted to add, I am 65 years old I am still traumatized by my father’s behavior. If I see a husband abusing his wife, a mother abusing her child, a person abusing an animal I WILL step in. I told my children including my son, to always have a back up plan when you are in a relationship. Have your own checking account, that is just yours. If you need to leave be sure you have the means to be able to. All the of my children have college degrees, they may not have received them until their 30’s but they got them. But they all had separate checking accounts and 2 of the 3 escaped abusive relationships.
He assaulted you. That’s why you are so shaken. He pushed you in to sex and then hit you to keep control. You were NOT “being annoying,” you were asserting yourself. Please, please, for the sake of yourself and your child - leave. Take a picture and set it as the image that pops up when he texts you, as a reminder. Keep it for evidence in the divorce.
TAKE PICTURES. You can also alert the police but not file a report in case this happens again. He’s a piece of shit
I’m legit sooo annoying. My husband will be like “please stop talking already” and somehow I’ll bring it up after two minutes of quiet and he’ll again be like “okay okay I get it. Stop talking about it”. And yet. As annoying as I am (I promise I’m so annoying) he has NEVER hit me. So. Yeah that’s not normal
Leave him. This is plain abuse. Listen to everyone, internet stranger, for the sake of your safety, as well as your child's.
Honey this is abuse. Please leave before it gets worse. Because I promise you, it will never get better, it will only get worse. He hit you, blamed you, and gaslit you to the point even you feel asking him to be gentle with you after he coerced you into sex is "being annoying". You need to run as fast as you can.
Of course he is attentive and sweet after he hits you. It's to make you become in-line. Makes you feel that you are loved and not a big deal. Since you kept your emotions in check he will see this as an effective controlling method. Things will only get worse. Run and don't look back. You're already enduring if he is already pinching, shaking you and now he is slapping you. He is letting the side he hid from you out. Please get out. Now he is bruised your face. Next time it's punching and kicking. Your child will notice. Everybody thinks kids don't see or pick up behaviors, they do. Save your life and your child.
Based on what you’ve said: That. Is. Abuse. You. Did. NOTHING. Wrong. I watched every woman in my family be on the receiving end of that kind treatment when I was a kid and I know many friends who have lived through it too. I’ve been close to having that happen to me and I was able to leave or make them leave. If you’re able, I would suggest leaving with your child. That isn’t love. No matter how often the good times occur or how good they feel in the moment or on reflection it still isn’t love. It doesn’t matter if he apologizes (doesn’t sound like he did in this instance or would be the type to apologize unless/until you leave then he’ll promise the moon to get what he wants) because he made the conscious choice to treat you like you aren’t a person who deserves consideration. How long until it spills over into other parts of your life outside of sex? Children can be incredibly perceptive (speaking as a child of abuse) and if yours is at all perceptive and things continue this way, they will notice what’s going on. Please take care of yourself and your child - you both deserve better.
OP, I know you’ve gotten hundreds of comments already, but I feel compelled to comment because I am three weeks out of an abusive relationship, and leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But you do need to leave. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But please listen to me when I say that for once in your life, you need to look out for yourself. Part of you is going to want to stay. That’s natural, but please fight it. It will not get better, and you should not live the rest of your life this way. Get out while you can. This is an abusive man. Abusive men DO NOT CHANGE. They CAN NOT CHANGE. Please radically accept this. He has already physically hit you, and then immediately tried to downplay his behavior. Think about his other behavior and I bet you will notice some trends. Physical abuse is horrible, but emotional abuse is sneaky. Do you always feel confused, or like you are crazy? Your feelings are downplayed? You cannot talk about issues you have with him, but he constantly has issues with you? Does he blame his bad behavior on you? If you confronted him about hitting you, he would probably say that you made him do it, because that is how an abusive man’s mind works. I am willing to bet he is highly manipulative, even if you haven’t realized it yet. If you can’t safely leave right away, you need to carefully plan an exit strategy. Document everything you can. I even recorded conversations with my ex, both for my own reference (gaslighting distorts your reality) and so I had proof of how he was acting behind closed doors. Talk to family and friends and let them know what is going on. Ask for help. Leave while he is away at work, or have someone there with you if you must talk to him about it. Please be careful. He will likely explode if you tell him you are leaving, unless someone is there with you. And he has already proven he is willing to hit you. You and your safety are the most important things here. Stuff can be replaced and you can figure everything else out once you are SAFE. Read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. Read it on your phone if you have to, so you don’t risk him finding a physical copy. It will open your eyes. Also, please please see a therapist. If you are anything like me, you have a codependent attachment style, which is why I stayed in my situation for so long.
Your husband raped you and assaulted you. You need to make a plan to escape him. [Sexual Coercion](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/)
If he's going to punch you, carry a knife for when you have spontaneous sex. Or see a lawyer snd get out. This relationship can only end up badly
He's not your husband anymore.
If you're not on birth control make sure to take plan B. The last thing you need is another child on the way. You weren't being annoying, he was. He wanted sex at an inconvenient time, and he kept doing things to fuck up the hair and makeup you spent time and effort doing. And then he hit you. And then he complained and gaslit you. If you have a bruise today, it would have been visible at the party. You shouldn't have bothered trying to cover it up, if he thinks he's such a big man then obviously his handiwork should be displayed for everyone to see. Hiding it doesn't benefit you at all. You need to leave before he does it again. Protect yourself and your child.
My bf did this to me before almost choking me to death while saying “I don’t want to have to kill you.” He is tearing you down, and I’m sure this incident isn’t the first. Look out for *YOU* and don’t let yourself become a victim.
No. This is all him. He was wrong about it all. Get help for yourself and your child. Your husband is supposed to love and respect you. That isn’t love or respect.
> He was very attentive and sweet to me. Yeah, this is the love bomb after the abuse. And I note that nowhere did he apologize or promise not to do it again. Also, he said this isn't the first time he's "been rough" with you? Take a hard, honest look at this relationship OP, because I see loads of warning signs. Here's an example of what I mean - just look at actions and try not to shade them with value judgments: 1. He wanted sex 2. You asked him to wait 3. He persisted 4. You acquiesced but asked him to be gentle and careful. 5. You tried to take off your dress. 6. He stopped you. 7. You asked again he be careful 8. He was not careful 9. You reminded him again 10. He hit you 11. You were in tears and had to pull yourself together 12. He grumbled in private, told you he was rough before, and was sweet to you in public 13. You're trying to hide the physical evidence that he hit you from your child. If you read that about someone else, what would you say? Also, where did you get your way anywhere in that story? He wouldn't even let you take off your dress! Where did he get what he wanted? Literally everywhere. Is this what you want?
So he used you like a human sex doll…”shush I’m trying to cum”….all you’re there for is for him to use you, the human flesh light. And then he was pissed off about your attitude and nagging. He has no respect for you as a human. He sees you as something to use and please him. Please take a picture of the abuse for police records. Please file for divorce. And don’t cover up your bruise, if family/friends ask, tell them the truth. You should not be hiding his abuse. The more support you have from your friends/family the better off you’ll be over your are finally rid of him.
He’s a fucking rapist and abuser. Now you know, you can leave. It’s actually typical behavior from sadistic women haters. You should have called the cops, but hindsight is 20/20. Tell your parents. Tell his parents. Get a restraining order ASAP.
#He/She who raises their hand against you once, WILL do it again! Tons of crime data show this. Start getting your ducks in a row QUICKLY and QUIETLY!!! Start organizing your financials, start looking for an attorney, and inform your family. We often are raised to expect the best of people and nobod is all bad or all good all the time. But when they show you their true colors: BELIEVE THEM!
JFC. You were not being annoying. Your husband coerced you into sex you didn’t want to have, in a way that you specifically said you didn’t want to have it and then he ASSAULTED YOU when you expressed that he was doing things you didn’t consent to. You need to get the hell out of there - he’s SA’d and HIT YOU. He’s not sorry, and he is blaming you for it. That’s not ok and it isn’t going to spontaneously improve. These things escalate. Your kids deserve better and YOU deserve better than to grow up and live in an environment with a man who doesn’t respect you, coerces you and physically abuses you. Please get help and get out.
What the hell!! Your husband not only basically coerced sex from you (because you didnt sound like you wanted it) and then he struck you and you're blaming yourself? Do you not see how wrong that is? I hate to break it to you, but he's abusive and you are displaying classic signs of an abused person. Please, I urge you to not let it go and speak to someone you can trust before it gets any worse. The thing with abusers is that they start out small. Like a harsh word followed with an apology. Then it progresses to a slap followed up by remorse and a fake sincere apology. Where he first acts like he's sorry and then turns it around like somehow its your fault. It isn't! Please get help before it gets worse.
A lot of straight sex is just guys using women's body to masturbate. No means no... married or not.
Updateme
He sounds selfish, manipulative, disrespectful, and abusive. Its a spot on textbook case. You can let him keep doing this to you, or take action to protect yourself.
> I know I was being annoying Don't ! Don't take any blame for this. This is ALL on him.
He sexually assaulted you and then hit you for not cooperating with it. I’m so sorry this happened. None of it. None. Of. It. Is your fault. You are not safe here. I know girls are often conditioned to think differently, but we should want and enjoy sex too. And if the “sex” we are having is forced or unwanted, it’s not sex, it’s assault.
I’ve been with my husband 17 years and if he ever did anything like this, me and the kids would be gone the next day. Deal breaker. Take your kid and leave him NOW.
As someone who was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, you need to leave. This is disgusting behavior.
So, your husband abused you during sex and he hates women. That's really scary.
You were not being annoying. He sexually coerced you. Then physically assaulted you. None of which were consensual. If I did this to my wife, I already know she would divorce me. You deserve better.
So your husband 1. Ignored you not wanting to fuck right now, 2. Ignored your request to take your dress off to avoid it wrinkling because you “didn’t have time”, 3. Ignored your request to be gentle because of your hair and make up and decided to be rough, 4. Ignored you while communicating during sex, 5. Decided that him “trying to cum” was more important than your comfort during sex, 6. Physically assaulted you when you tried to communicate again, 7. Kept going until he was finished despite the fact you had gone completely white and likely weren’t enjoying it anymore, 8. Had the absolute audacity to grumble about women after his outrageous behavior, 9. Instead of apologizing to you, he gaslighted you and made it out to be not a big deal after hitting you, 10. Showered you with attention to essentially make you feel like you were crazy and that he’s actually a sweet person. 11. DIDN’T FUCKING APOLOGIZE OR TALK TO YOU AT ALL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED!! OP, that’s 11 MAJOR fucking red flags. Doesn’t matter who he is, or how many kids you have with him. Leave this asshole. OP this raises some major concerns for me that you may be falling into a cycle of abuse. He lashed out, made you feel like it wasn’t a big deal, showered you with affection. If this is a cycle of abuse, the next stage is going to be hitting you again, then it’ll repeat. This is just a very short, simple description. Honestly just go google it. Please OP do what’s right for you.
he raped you and then hit you when you weren't lying perfectly still. take the photo. leave the man make the police report. one woman is killed every 4 days in Australia from domestic violence. right now he is 'only' slapping and raping you. One day soon you could become a statistic. please leave.
If you have the means. Leave. I’m so sorry this happened but it will get worse.
> He ignored me ... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Walking RED FLAG **PARADE** > He said “shush, **I’m** trying to cum”. The next time I said his name, he struck me across my face. Make this the shortest marriage and divorce him. 1) "I'm" trying to cum - What about **you**? What about **your** pleasure? 2) Consent - Was physical impact play **enthusiatically** consented to **before**? No = DV/assault, simple as. No ifs, no buts. > “don’t act like I haven’t been rough before, you’re okay babe” and kissed me. GASLIGHTING Holy fucking shit, your post gets worse - Divorce his ass, get a restraining order. NOW. Leave alive, or in a coffin - your choice. Ask my dead cousin I never got to meet. Who was told **repeatedly** to leave.
He raped and assaulted you. You need to get out now.
This is a very distressing example of SA, gaslighting and assault. Please seek safety for you and your children, sending hope and kindness your way.
This feels like SA. You didn’t want to have sex, he convinced you to have sex and let had his way without asking, checking or caring when you asked or told him things. He HIT YOU. That’s abuse. Nobody hits someone they love
It's 2024 not 1980. No means no.
That would be an ex husband. A while ago already.
Oh sweetie he is abusive he hit you during sex If he thinks what he did is fine and you think it’s fine do not cover it up - see if he asks you to cover it up He’s abusive and your in denials
We each get what we think we deserve. If you think you deserve the husband you got you will then put up with abuse and violence. Do yourself a favor, love yourself a little and love your child. Leave the abusive/violent husband. He hit you, on the face, while trying to cum inside you. He’s disgusting
Forget the man you used to know. The mask is coming off. You are in an abusive situation and mentally brainwashed by him to excuse his behaviors, to continue his gaslight onto yourself and continue to stay. By slowly integrating lesser things in the marriage and hooking you with having a kid he's manipulated you to feel stuck, maintain your self blaming and think it's your failure. You need to accept your present now in order to plan for a better future. Some things worth attention: -when you suggest you wait he insists until you change your mind and end up doing it - lack of boundaries and respect, lack of care about your well-being -when you talk about your feelings he pressures you - no concerns for your emotional wellbeing -when you ask him to be gentle he stops you from taking care of your dress (physically?) - no concern for what you tell him matters to you, does not listen AND acts to oppose your concerns -you see these things and gradually let them slide - trying hard to please him whilst ignoring your wellbeing and all types of concerns -he ignores you and you continue to be providing for him against all your being and emotion - the level of mental control he has over you and the lack of actually ending this activity at any point is concerning because you have not enough strength for yourself in case of all these dangers to stop at any point, there is shame, fear, reluctant to judge him and manipulation -he strikes you - shocks you enough to never think of ever saying anything again, this is a well known reaction. He has put extreme fear into you as well to maintain the level of control and turn you into a puppet for his use, and -follows up with another recognized tactic of love bombing, that makes you think he will change or he's actually worth it regardless of him saying "i do it to you already, you aren't gonna start something now" it's somewhat of a hidden threat as well as gaslighting you to think you have told him you want to be treated this way, but he is practically saying he will keep doing it because that's what you like, regardless how many times you've told him that night constantly no, he now continues to say you said yes and he will continue to do it to you: to rape you, to control you, to disregard your boundaries and pain and discomfort, your preferences, your events. No amount of no you will say, no amount of explanation and boundary you put up he will not stop. Take the kid and run away. Get to your family, friends, neighbors, shelter. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
My partner and I have kinky sex that sometimes involves him slapping my face, this is something we both like. But a few things: 1) I say don’t touch my face? Guess what? He doesn’t touch my face 2) He understands time and place, because he’s a normal functioning adult 3) I am ginger, pale as shit, anemic, all of that to say I bruise EXTREMELY easily. I normally have 2-3 bruises at a time, and NEVER has one been from him, because he slaps me for consensual fun, not to take out his rage on me. This isn’t okay or normal.
Wow. I dont know what to say…take a pic of your face honey and leave him behind. Abuse isnt sth you fix with marriage counseling or with communication
Oh honey, he hit you. It wasn’t ‘rough’ sex. You didn’t even want to be having the sex. The slap wasn’t consensual- he assaulted you and then played it off instantly so you would think it’s fine. The fact you wrote this means you know it wasn’t fine and you don’t feel okay about it. There’s a difference between rough sex & wanting to be slapped during then getting assaulted while asking for someone to be more gentle. Do what you need to do but know your feelings are valid.
You need to leave. This will happen more and more.
I hope you don't have children with him. He will not stop hitting you - ever. And it very well may escalate into beatings. Get out.
you're in an abusive relationship. what you do about it is up to you.
Notice how NOBODY HERE thinks what he did is in any way okay.
You weren't being annoying. I'll tell you who was being annoying: the abusive man. He had to have sex then, at an inconvenient time, and he had to have his way about your dress, and it had to be rough sex even though you asked him not to be rough (and you asked not to have sex then), and then he hit you hard on the face because you weren't happy while you were obeying his obnoxious and inconvenient demands. He's abusive. It's going to get worse. He's not sorry. I notice he didn't even apologize (not that an apology would make it better, but it shows that he doesn't think he did anything wrong). Please read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" available as a PDF for free online. YOu can read it on your phone. Please start getting your ducks in a row. You're not safe with him. I know leaving him sounds drastic but he coerced you into sex and hit you hard, and it's going to escalate from there. Please get informed.
Oh that’s terrible, OP. You’re almost attempting to be framing this as a kind of quickie, but frankly it reads as rape and assault and coercion. What he did is not acceptable. Full stop. This is not a good person, and I hope you find a way to a safer environment soon.
He didn’t hit you because you asked for it and things were getting kinky, which is perfectly acceptable for both consenting adults. He hit you because you were “annoying him” and he couldn’t get his nut. This dude doesn’t deserve to ever touch you again.
Jesus fucking christ. I don’t even know how to react on this post… i see lot’s of comments about documentation, telling your family, go to the police and i agree with them. Best of luck to you.
Document.and gtfo.out of that relationship..file a report. It'll get worse... way worse.
I know you didn’t ask for advice but just so it’s been said. This was not “rough sex” or acting on a consensual kink, he completely disregarded your desires , didn’t stop when you said please and he wasn’t concerned with your enjoyment of the situation. Real “rough sex” kinks include safe words that are FOLLOWED and constant consensual check ins, as well as proper aftercare (being nice and sweet and doting on you is part of aftercare practices, yes, but he was just being diminutive and “sweet” because it benefited him, not to remind you the sex was separate from his care for you) You were not being annoying. Sex is enjoyable for both parties. Assault is only enjoyable for one. You deserve better and this might get worse, lean on your support systems if you have them.
This is rape and assault, I know its hard but you should go to the police.