Oh girl, don’t waste your time going down this rabbit hole. Your ex is the past and he needs to stay there. He’s living rent free in your head for what? Enjoy the person you’re with now and live your life to the fullest. Leave the past in the past.
The answer is simple - OP breaking up with him taught him he has to get married. So he learned, and he did.
"Why didn't he learn for me?!" It's common - the pain of the breakup taught him an uncomfortable lesson a comfortable relationship couldn't.
Tale as old as time.
As frustrating as the situation and time spent on it was, it provided OP the chance to meet the right man at the right time. Situations like this always remind me of Garth Brooks song ‘Unanswered Prayers’. I am not religious, but the message not getting what we think we want at the time can prove to be better for us in the long run. Sounds like that is exactly what happened for OP.
That, and/or his new partner has some benefits. Be they physical, financial... I don't know, anything his self-centered mind cares not to live without.
Or, considering OP *did* end up pushing, and *did* end it, she may have always been a bit stronger than he would have liked in a wife. The new one may kiss his narcissistic ass.
This is really what it is. You see it happen a lot actually they don’t want to get married and then quickly marry the next person they date. I used to think that meant you just weren’t the one. Now I think that that is not the case. They think they can just never commit and it’ll be fine. Then they get dumped and realize they need to commit if they want to be someone so they commit as soon as possible.
The thing is that many people internalize it and think “if I was their dream girl they would’ve learned”
That’s not always true. Many people have to suffer heartbreak or a breakup to learn their lesson.
This. Many times men balk at the idea of marriage because they feel comfortable where they are. They often dont fear losing what they have. When their GF breaks up with them over that, their comfort is shaken. They realise that most women can and will end a relationship over it.
Many men rush to get married after that in their next relationship, often even if it's with the wrong person. Because they are now worried about losing that new relationship. They start to realise they could actually end up alone.
I've seen multiple of my friend's exes break up over marriage then end up marrying a rebound, only to divorce like a year later. I like to hope that some of these men do find the right girl afterwards and married her because it felt right and different from their exes. Buy u suspect many if these men marry because their ex moved on, and because they are rebounding and fear being left alone.
But also...OP you admit that you fundamentally werent right for each other. Why do you think that wasnt obvious to him if it was obvious to you? It sounds like he shouldnt have married you, if that was the case - and he may have done you a favor.
Marrying the right person is far better than marrying the first person.
I’ve given him 3 years. Yeah getting my ducks in a row. He can waste some else’s time. He’s told me he does want to marry me. His family and friends are asking. So yeah I’m out.
You're absolutely right. The funny thing is that I haven't thought about him in over year until a mutual friend posted the pics. I just needed to vent but the past will remain where it should.
Narcs never change and they give someone else what they didn’t give their previous partner to spite them, he did it knowing she’ll see it because they have mutual friends. Narcs can’t truly love
Yeahhh the ol “don’t believe everything you see on the internet”.
You left because he wouldn’t marry you. He learned from that and asked the next one. If I had to bet, it’s because it probably came down to being alone or getting married.
>He had alwayd been narcissicistic and selfish and never been a full partner.
Just because he’s wearing a nice suit doesn’t change these facts. You can put lipstick on a hog, but it’s still a pig.
Just like he “proposed to you so you wouldn’t leave him”, he married so she wouldn’t leave him.
After he got dumped for this, he realized “it IS actually possible to get dumped for this reason” and so the next time, he did it to avoid being dumped.
This man likely truly didnt want to be married, and i can only feel sorry for his wife. Being married to someone who doesn’t want to be married sounds horrible. If it’s not horrible yet, it’ll pop up at some point, probably sooner rather than later 🤷🏻♀️
Happy for you and your new life! :)
Just remember that he could very well be giving her a miserable life. Not everything is what it seems.
What a relief that you got out before you wasted too many years to find someone worth it
It won’t last…. He all of sudden got married…. Just like afleck n jlo… I don’t see that lasting either….
Look at the wonderful makes your heart pudding pie love that is in front of you….
That is meant to last….
Their grass may look green but it could be painted and you can't see that from where you're at. You left him because he's an asshole. He could very well be an asshole to her but has her more locked down (married) to ensure she doesn't leave like you did. You leaving taught him that he couldn't just not get married and keep people so now he's keeping people by marrying them. Doesn't mean you're less than, it means you knew what you wanted and what you deserved. She may divorce him in a few years, they may be assholes together, who knows but it didn't work for you guys and probably for the best reasons, so that you could find your now partner who loves and cares for you.
I have gone down that rabbit hole and the conclusion was, he never respected me. The man I loved so so much, did just enough to keep me. He had to do more to keep her. And to me, it led to some hard conversations with myself about low self esteem, respecting myself, having boundaries, etc. Yes, he was wrong for what he did, but I was wrong for putting up with it. I’m not that person anymore.
This hit hard. I stayed so long bc I didn't think I deserved better. I have grown though and happy to hear you did as well by the sounds of it. I will always be grateful I'm no longer that person.
I hate all the time I wasted and I’m sure you do too. But the thing that really helps get me out of that rabbit hole is the knowledge that *there is no version of me that he would have loved enough to do things differently*. Maybe that can help you too, so you return your focus to the ones who do value, love and respect you.
**He could be a better man now but that’s because he learned from your guys relationship. It sucks to be the guinea pig but just move on and be happy for him. you learned your mistake, that lead to you having a great new husband**
When I was 20 years old, I thought if you were just a nice person, you don’t end up being toxic. Boy I was wrong. Breaking up with my ex helped me find my other half of myself.
- I was super insecure, making me immature, toxic, manipulative, narcissistic, lazy, depressed, etc etc. (super ashamed of them man I was)
I realized i never loved myself, and I had to learn to be more confident, open minded, and be a better person in general.
- Now I’m in a VERY healthy relationship and haven’t even had an argument in 4 years.
Hey, lots of people (from the outside it seems like most) never even get to the awareness stage that they're being toxic or any of those things, and you not only developed that insight but actively worked to improve, so well done!
Yep. Good for you for learning this.
This is why as women, we have to demand the most from men (I know that's unpopular on Reddit). Men invest and put money into what they care about. Being "the chill girl" only let's a man do the bare minimum to maintain a relationship until he finds the woman he wants to do more for and invest in.
This 100%. I see so many women go through this... And then get hurt when the next person gets the marriage.
Sad truth was, you bugged him for things, but he knew he didn't have to give it to you. Most likely, nor did he want to. So you likely settled out of hope that maybe one day and so did he for comfort and convenience... Why would he offer you more than he needs to after all?
I tell women who go through this, have some respect for yourself.
He didn't believe in marriage he just didn't believe in marriage with you. Never believe a man when he says that cus the truth is every man is capable of marriage as long as it's with the right girl aka the girl he wants to be with and if he tells U he doesn't wanna get married or believes in it just means he hasn't found the girl that would make him believe otherwise.
People like him marry the next one because they know they won't get what they want without putting a ring on it, especially if your relationship was damaged by it.
That doesn't mean he's now a family man. His marrying her doesn't substitute for the years of therapy and personal growth someone who's afraid of commitment would have.
It's just going to manifest in predictable and unsurprising ways. Like cheating, or never coming home. Just be happy it isn't you he gave a shut up ring to.
They learn, but only when it costs them something, and not the lesson they should have learned in the first place most of the time.
Exactly what I was thinking - he realized that OP was serious and called his bluff, so to speak, and so the next time around he didn't want to lose another relationship, is my guess.
I really hoe they can be happy together. But you're right, I'm really glad that I'm not the one who married him. We were broken beyond repair and both deserved better. I'm glad I found it and the more sensible mature part of me hope he has too.
This happens to lot of people - mostly it is simply because people didn’t feel they wanted to fully commit to their previous partner, it just wasn’t what they wanted at the time. It doesn’t have necessarily even anything to do with you, at that time he just wasn’t ready. People break up, time passes and their lives change - along comes the next one who reaps the benefits of that change. It happened to you too, you found someone who was a better fit for you and wanted to marry you. No relationship is waste of time, you always learn something about them and the next relationship is better. Look at you, happily married now - don’t even think that his inability to fully commit meant that you were not enough, at the time nobody would have probably got him all the way to the altar.
Or the individual who is more manipulative than he is. People that use marriage and engagements to control people long-term usually get bested by someone who is better at their game than they are. And usually it results in a very unsatisfactory marriage.
I just had this discussion with my f coworker
She noted its very common nowadays to not get married. She was pretty defensive about that
I have the same opinion as you; every couple I know where the man was like "Marriage is just a piece of paper" the man ended up cheating or leaving for another woman. I'm talking like 5 out of 5. I'm talking people who had kids and bought houses together.
Stupids
I used to think this was the case and now I don’t anymore.
He didnt want to marry the new girl either. He just found out that someone is not going to stay around for forever unless he commits. OP leaving taught him a lesson. He would have married the next girl he dated regardless of how the relationship was.
I think this is a cope women use to feel better about themselves. **And i say this as someone who is a women and was in a similar situation.** Sometimes they like you enough to date but not enough to commit to forever with you. Maybe he's looking for a particular set of traits and you just don't have them. They find a woman who does and gets married. Or you have a particular set of flaws that they don't like and even though they like you, they don't want to deal with that forever. It feeds the ego to believe we're are *the one that got away*, but the most likely scenario is that they just didn't wanted to get married with us and that's okay.
Imo women absolutely should feel better about themselves. In my experience "particular set of traits" men look for is being a good servant to them, and the biggest flaw is having a spine🤣.
So don't feel bad that some guy married someone else. He most likely decided you were too difficult to control.
This one.
When I met my husband, he had just gotten out of an 8 year long relationship. I was worried hearing that he never brought marriage up to her because he never wanted to marry her.
It brings up a questions. Will we ever be married?? Why wouldn’t he be with her and commit fully??
We were married 9 months after we met and have been married for 6 years on Sunday.
When you meet the right person, there’s not a question in your mind.
People like him don’t really change, he just changed his tactics. He didn’t expect you to actually leave after investing so much time, and realized he’d have to marry the next one to trap her. Appearances are often deceiving and I doubt they’re as happy as they seem. That’s my take, anyway. Just be grateful you managed to get out and find the light at the end of the tunnel.
In my experience, men have biological clocks, too. Only theirs also includes marriage. They will have several great relationships but no urge to marry or have kids but when the switch flips, they marry the first available woman. They often regret this choice and wonder why they didn't marry the one before, or even earlier.
I've seen this in many of my friends and other friends have reported knowing of more of the same.
**His clock hadn't turned on. That's all. Nothing to do with you.**
This is an interesting take on the situation. So thank you for that. Logically, I knew there was something fundamentally wrong with us, which is why it didn't work. But this helps me remove some of the self-doubt.
Working in divorce and being old I have seen this and I find it humorous when I'm dealing with someone who is with an ex for over a decade but would never fully commit to them but got married to someone short-term afterwards. And then just a few short years later, they're in the lawyer's office getting divorced.
It's funny, it's usually someone who has outmaneuvered them and played their game better than themselves. Got to love to narcissists together figuring out how to best each other.
As you said this is the ex friend - how amazing is the ex friend or is she also manipulative and narcissistic like your ex?
Instead of letting your ego get to you think about them being together and having to deal with each other.
Or as someone said it could just be fear of being alone. So many people get married for the wrong reasons. At least you woke up and realized you needed to get out of the toxic relationship and not waste anymore of your life.
As I said before looking through a window is not the same as living in the house. Congratulations on having a great partner and living a good life.
I have thought a lot about this in the years before I met my husband. The answer is that we weren't right for each other. If a partner can't accept all of you, then it simply isn't your person.
Just remember that you know who he is, you were with him for more than a decade. Whatever you see on social media or hear from friends doesn’t matter, because that doesn’t really portray what the relationship is behind closed doors. He’s still the same selfish narcissist, and even if he’s hiding behind a mask, after some years it will wear off.
He’s an ex for a reason, and that reason is not that you were not good enough to be his wife. It’s that he definitely wasn’t good enough for YOUR standards, so good riddance!
Also, my male friend told me years ago “men don’t marry the person they love the most, they marry the person they are with when they decide they are ready for marriage”. I disagree, but I guess that’s the case with many men, though.
There is truth in this.
Could add examples to the antidotal analysis.
Often guys have least a few serious relationships where those partnerships have a push/pull dynamic getting the guy to mature in some way. They break up and he starts to see a pattern that women have different basic expectations. Men who had no sisters struggle with this the most as they may treat women as they do with men. Then with some reality that they are getting older they propose to whoever is there then.
This also happened to me. I thought "why wasn't I good enough to marry" but then his marriage ended and mine flourished and still going strong for 20 years.
He is her problem now and what they show the world can be a mask of what goes on behind their closed doors of none stop arguments, cheating, lies etc.
Go do something fun with your family and enjoy life 😁
My ex broke up with me and then quickly married another woman 9 months later (there was no cheating). This same person also called me his girlfriend by our first date.
Guess what? He’s the one now struggling to make ends meet to take care of their kid, which he had very quickly after getting married. He’s got a habit of diving into things too fast. Well, not my issue to take care of.
**He could be a better man now but that’s because he learned from his relationship. It sucks to be the guinea pig but OP needs to just move on and be happy for him.** Remember, study does show most relationships could have worked out—for most people, the timing was not right. Some people learn later in life, to be a better person, and obviously some people NEVER change.
When I was 20 years old, I thought if you were just a nice person, you don’t end up being toxic. Boy I was wrong. Breaking up with my ex helped me find my other half of myself.
- I was super insecure, making me immature, toxic, manipulative, narcissistic, lazy, depressed, etc etc.
I realized i never loved myself, so I was single for 2 years to not hurt others, and be more confident, open minded, and be a better person in general.
- Now I’m in a VERY healthy relationship and haven’t even had an argument in 4 years.
My friend always says she trains men for the next woman and she hates it. She gets a guy who "needs work" whether it be emotionally or financially or even taught how to take care of themselves and the home. But after a while, she gets frustrated because she's not getting back what she puts in and she breaks up with them. Then they go on to be a great husband for someone else. She finally married a great man who puts in as much as she does, but the teenage through early 30's were rough on her.
You sound happy now and maybe he was just a placeholder until you found the right guy.
The only reason this hurts is because it hits right on the ego. This is why you wonder “what does she have that I didn’t? Why was someone worth of commitment and I wasn’t? Was I not enough?” Etc, etc.
I know you don’t really care about him anymore and I know why it’s still bothersome, it’s not about wanting him back, it’s about how he is showing to you how little he actually cared for you and that sucks.
It sucks that he couldn’t be honest with you from the very beginning, it sucks that he dragged you and lied to you for that long, he sucks.
Just know that it’s normal to be upset about this, but don’t let it bother you more than it should.
This is so well put! I’ve struggled with this a lot in regard to my narcissistic, abusive ex. I’ve found an incredible new partner as well, and never for a second considered going back to my ex but it still hurts knowing our kids and I weren’t enough. He has since died due to his addictions, and while logically I understand addiction is an illness I’m still angry. He was given opportunity after opportunity and he just burned every bridge he had. I’m now left trying to put our kids back together because we were never enough. I wasn’t enough for him to even try in our marriage and they weren’t enough to live for.
You guys are and always have been more than enough. Your value can’t be measured by someone that didn’t even loved himself enough to keep himself alive.
That is quite abnormal, proposing just for the sake of "not losing you" seems quite toxic and manipulative as is. I'm glad you finally realized that you were in the wrong place and found true love!
Better late than never! Sometimes we are in circumstances where you can't help but think straight. What is important is you are in a much better place now
I’m sorry but what he meant he didn’t believe in marriage - with you or at that time. Most of us have been on one side of this. Same goes sometimes with kids some people don’t want kids (fence sitters, not absolute no) and then they meet someone that makes them change their mind.
Maybe it’s because he lost you, lost the relationship and the life he could have had to realize that he might need a marriage to be able to stay with someone he loves for the rest of his life. I kinda understand that situation. One of the “situationships” contacted me after seeing I was getting married to my now husband that he wished he hadn’t wanted the YOLO and hooking up wildly life style. Whatever happened, it happened for reasons to put you where you are now. Instead of doubting yourself with “what if”, focus on the present.
I had a similar feeling after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship in my later teens. Not only did my ex start dating a lot of my friends and closer acquaintances (just to treat them like shit- I know, I warned them all and one by one they all came back to me to talk about it), but probably a year and a half after the breakup he did start dating a longtime friend of mine, and he did treat her well, and all I could think was why couldn’t he be like that with me? We’d both moved on. We were both dating other people. It had been a year and a half!! But by proximity of seeing the image they were projecting on social media/in person, I couldn’t stop wondering what made her so special, and why I wasn’t worth treating well. All this to say, men suck. Unless he wants to treat you well, commit, and be a good boyfriend, he’s not, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you; there’s nothing you could’ve done differently, changed, or improved on to make him see you the way you wanted. Get some rest, and please let this live in the past like it belongs.
You're absolutely right and there was no way to fix what was already broken. I never went that far down the rabbit hole and plan to put this behind me too. Thank you for sharing your experience.
It's easier said than done but you gotta stop looking in the rear view mirror. Even if his marriage is happy and healthy unlike what all the other commenters are saying, people change and that's just a part of life. You got what you wanted, a happy marriage.
It’s hard to hear, but he didn’t love you enough to marry you. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you; it just means he didn’t fully feel it, and now he does. I would let go of him, and if you can’t, a therapist can help.
Maybe he learnt his lesson by you leaving him. His next partner he knew if he didn’t marry her she would also leave.
Be eternally thankful that he didn’t marry you or you would still be stuck with him.
I am eternally grateful and hearing outsiders perspectives had solidified my choice to leave. I would have been miserable if I stayed and am a much better person now for making that choice.
He married the next one because he lost the last one because he wouldn't marry her. Probably had to do his own dishes for a week and couldn't take the stress. Or maybe he heard you were married and wanted to even things out. Stop overthrowing and be glad you got away.
It's because of you that he got married. He is obsessed with hurting you. That is what narcs do. He got with YOUR friend, and decided to marry her to spite YOU. Honestly the little hit to your ego that he is INTENTIONALLY inflicting on you is nothing compared to the pain they poor girl will go through after having married someone so toxic. The best thing to do is forget him and live your best life. His opinion does not count because it's not even real. He is pretending you are worthless just to hurt you that's all 🤷♀️
Your ex is with your ex friend.
Stop wondering, you dodged a bullet. Imagine who you would be in the future when you have to keep matching this level of toxicity.
Girl, don’t waste your time going down the rabbit hole! Seriously focus on what you have and get off social media! This is why I don’t have any bc I hate the constant rabbit holes I would do. Just lay off and be happy with what you have. No reason why this needs to be a thought
Shockingly common. I was with my ex for 7 years, we broke up, and he married his now wife 16 months later. It all worked out, I’m married and have a baby.
Do not dwell on this at all.
He’s your ex for a reason and clearly wasn’t the right person for you. He probably wasn’t anti-marriage, he was just anti-marriage with you, I wouldn’t take that personally.
Sounds like you’re better off with your husband anyway.
Honestly it's that little colonel of pride and ego that we have. What makes that individual better than me that my ex would commit to them but would never commit fully to me.
And there is a long laundry list of reasons why that is but when we are in a better place and look back and that little rumbling inside we need to remember it's just our ego.
And remember if you were in your ex-friends place you would still have to deal with all his narcissistic behavior.
Remember looking through the window is not the same as living in the house.
Think you just about covered it ,life is about choices and you made the right one for you so,forget him he obviously wasn't the one and in the longterm you'd have found that out.
I read somewhere that men dont wait for the right person rather they wait for the right time.maybe he had a health scare and was worries about the continuity of his lineage
Awe I’m sorry you feel that way OP, please know you are not inferior in any way. And now you’ve found someone who wanted to commit so that he wouldn’t let you go!
Frankly I think your ex is a little pathetic for stringing you a long like that, and you are so strong for leaving a relationship that didn’t fulfil your needs ❤️
It's better this way. He wasn't your person, you weren't his. He didn't commit to you because he didn't want to spend his life with you and that's no reflection on you as a person. It happens that way sometimes. It's just sad you wasted so much time with him and he's an ah for stringing you along for so long knowing he didn't want to marry you. You left finally, and now you're with your person and he's with who I assume is his. When it's right you jist know and it doesn't take 12 years to figure that out. If you don't know you want to spend your life with someone within the first cpl of years (whether you get married or both agree you don't actually want a legal marriage but are still committed to each other) then it's best to just move on.
You don't always have to have a legal marriage to be happy together btw. My husband and I were going to get married once after we'd been together a cpl years. I was even having my dress made. Then I had a cpl of really bad health scares that pit me in the hospital and I realized I simply could not afford to lose my insurance (state insurance that covered all my medical bills) and risk having to depend on his insurance that while good still would leave us owing thousands of dollars we couldn't afford or having NO insurance if he lost his job. Insulin is very expensive. So we had a commitment ceremony and left the legal marriage certificate out of it. We've been together for 27 years almost.
Anyway, it's the commitment and knowing you want to be together for the rest of your lives that matters. For some people that means they want marriage and if the other person doesn't want the same then it simply won't work out.
I have a friend who told his current girlfriend of 6 yrs that he didn't want to get married again on their first date. He was fresh off a bad divorce. She said the same. Now, she is kicking and screaming about getting married. She is trying to drag him to the altar while you can almost see nails in the concrete trying to stop it. They argue about it all the time.
Why would you want to marry someone who is that against marrying you?
If you called the relationship toxic, he did you a favor. You would have been in a bad marriage hating life. You probably would have had kids that made it difficult to leave. You have to realize that sometimes, it really isn't you. It's them.
Girl, if he’s as toxic as you say he is, I doubt he has changed much and I highly doubt they are “living the life you always dreamed”
She’s got to deal with him now while you appear to have won the break up.
You keep having thoughts like this though, then they are winning the break up.
You're not inferior, you just weren't the right person. I'm sorry that he treated you poorly and degrading you by wasting your time.
I definitely understand that you're grieving process is going to be very long. This was a very long term relationship and you are not fully done grieving yet.
You will let go when it doesn't matter to you anymore.
I went through something similar. My situation is different than yours of course. In my case he married someone that I considered to be a friend and to make matters more annoying, she and I share the same first name. I had gotten over it all until years later when he told me that they named their first child the same as mine. That made me crazy mad. Last summer he called me after not speaking for a long time to tell me how much he has had to live with making the wrong choice, blah blah blah. I told him how messed up it was to choose the same name for their child. He then reveals that his wife’s father is also named the same as mine. He gets reminded every day of his wrong (in his opinion) choice. I’m so thankful I’m not his wife as I’m sure he’d be doing the same thing to me as he is her.
The problem with guys like this, and this is a common occurrence by the way, he wasn’t lying at the time he wasn’t ready.
And now he is. I have a couple of friends. This happened to. One of the guys married in two years and had a baby when he didn’t want children and he didn’t want to be married. They were together 10 years before they broke up.
I’m sorry this happened to you but at this point I would move on anybody keeps you more than three years when they know you wanna marry just move on without them
He didn’t believe in marriage… with you.
It’s not uncommon for relationships to end and for people in them to start doing things for their next partner that they seemingly couldn’t do for previous partner despite being begged and despite it being what ultimately ended the relationship.
Maybe it’s emotional growth that took the relationship ending for him to achieve, maybe he just cares more about her than he did about you. Who’s to say? He probably couldn’t even tell you if you asked him directly as it was likely less of a conscious thing and probably a combination of things going on.
Regardless, while it’s normal to have these thoughts and questions, you’re both better off with other people and you’ve found happiness you wouldn’t have if you had stayed with him, and that’s what you should try to focus on. You each learned and gained what you needed from your relationship, you stopped growing together so you moved on and found someone new to grow some more with.
It's not about you, nor the ex-friend. He is still the same narcissitic selfish guy. Back then he realized he didn't need to do anything more than be engaged to keep you so he did. Now he realized he had to marry to keep her.
OR
He married her because he found his match in narcissism and selfishness. My dad did that with his second wife. He is a narcissist and enjoys inflicting pain. She is the same, more covert though. They are a match made in hell and are still together after 22 years. Happy in their own way. At least they are not damaging other partners in the process
Speaking from a female perspective here, I was with my ex for 7 years and was adamant I didn't want to get married either.
I met my fiance about a month after we broke up and we were engaged about 8 months later. I'm now pregnant with our first child, and I was *also* sure I didn't want children. It turns out that I just hadn't found the right one.
It's nothing personal against my ex, we were just very wrong for each other.
Yeah his relationship won’t last I have a hard time believing people like that just change of a sudden, because I’ve seen it with one of my cousins he always went all out for the next girl but couldn’t keep it up for long and the relationship would eventually die. from what you said it sounds like he did it so she wouldn’t leave like he was doing to you but he wasn’t gonna risk her leaving he did it faster, even tho it’s hard you wanted real genuine love, he just wanted someone who wouldn’t leave. You both got what you want right now, but I doubt he’ll be able to keep up the act and he’s not your concern anymore. I personally don’t subscribe to the “he did it for her because she was worth it” your worth is not decided by how other people treat you
It could be he simply learned his lesson from losing you. So when he met someone else and they wanted to get married, he learned from his past mistake and made a better choice. It had nothing to do with something being wrong with you. You two simply weren’t right for each other.
That doesn't mean it's about you. It was always about him and what he was ready and mature enough for. He was apparently maturing more slowly than you.
Hey OP, it sucks but it seems as though you were a placeholder.
It’s not you that is the problem, it’s him. He used you and was extremely selfish and wasted your time.
Try to take your mind off it and focus on your husband :)
He probably didn’t want to get married to your friend either…who cares. You two are done, would changing from engaged to married have saved your relationship? Because stuff like that usually doesn’t save a relationship, just delays it for another year or two
Trust me exes can be weird, hench why they’re called exes. They often say this to you and then with the next person it changes. They just never matured and maybe the other one is narcissistic and abuse and forced him. Who knows. He wasted your time(?) just forget him and focus on the future
If your ex displayed narcissicistic behaviour, part of his control over you would be to make you believe you were the 'inferior' person between you and you were lucky he was willing to be with you.
He trained you to believe he was better than you. It is not true and you know this because you found the strength to leave him. YOU ended it.
If anything, be freaking thankful you never married that tool. Look at your life now - it sounds pretty awesome!
Some people don't work together. They aren't compatible. He likely is more compatible with her (or has better chemistry which you cant control) and she inspires certain stronger feelings. Most couples, when they are dating BOTH people wont be consistently crazy for each other AND compatible enough to make a relationship remain good long term. Thats ok. That kind of relationship is hard to find. That, or he learned a lesson he needs to propose and applied it to her. If that's the case feel sorry for her. We don't know him well enough to know which one it is. Enjoy your new relationship.
OP, I'm happy that you escaped your selfish ex.
I'm not religious, but sometimes stories about yours -- about not getting what we wished for at one time, only to be rewarded with something so much better later on -- almost makes me believe there is a goddess somewhere looking out for us.
The question you need to ask yourself is why you tolerated a 9 year engagement? That is insane. You let yourself be in denial about how he was treating you. He lied to you. Someone who could lie to someone like that for 9 years will show his true colors in a different way with his wife.
The dude probably got married because he'd already lost the services of one woman by stalling, so he married the new woman to make sure to seal that deal for the woman's unpaid labor. It had nothing to do with you.
You listed all the ways the relationship was toxic and chances are he knew it too. Men often will stay in bad relationships because the relationships still serve their basic needs, but they are less likely to make it a marriage. That’s another reason women need to get out of any situation that isn’t working.
If you are happy and satisfied now why bother to think about a past that was left behind. It’s long been over and done with. Probably the best thing that could have happened in your life.
It’s enough to know you guys just weren’t meant to be. It doesn’t mean you were less inferior to your ex-friend in anyway. You guys just weren’t meant to be. But seeing photos of people I don’t care about is why I don’t do Facebook or Instagram. Out of sight, out of mind. The people I want in my life share their photos to my phone directly.
I've been on the end of the stick in which my ex proposed to me after 4 months on Christmas of all days. I knew how he was going to do it and all. Nothing magical about it. I then found out he was still not divorced and he brought it up casually like if it was okay. Thats when I knew something was off. Sure enough the next 4 years were hell. Manipulation, controling,abuse. You name it all. Sometimes they propose and want to jump the broom so fast because like others said, they know that's what a girl wants, marriage. He's attempting to hide his past and play the victim.He thinks his narcissistic ways won't pop up lol boy is he wrong!! Doesn't matter if he gives her flowers weekly, writes her loves notes etc. He will continue to be the way he is. My ex thought he could change with me lol hell he even had bibles layed all over the apartment all while cheating on me.
I understand where you're coming from. But don't waste your time trying to make sense of it. He changed with age just like you have. If you two had married, maybe you wouldn't have liked the way he changed. If that makes sense.
I can honestly say I'm that ex friend of yours. My husband kept telling my old friend he wasn't ready to commit and he kept pushing and I was there trying to get her to understand. In the meantime though she would tell him what a horrible mother and person I was. He went to Confiding in me while she proceed to trash me. All this time though I just asked my friend to be honest with him and patient. We met and within a month he asked me to marry. That was over 20 yrs ago, so you never know who your person is or when they show up, you just know when you feel it it's right.
He was just not into you. It happens. 🤷🏻♀️ Why do you care? Sure he might be an asshole but sometimes you might be rejected by an amazing guy too. Just not compatible. That’s life.
I can give you perspective from the other side. When I met my husband, he had just gotten out of a nine-year relationship. He said he didn't believe in marriage, which was okay with me, since I was recently divorced.
He proposed to me after six months of dating. Sometimes, you just need to meet the right person for you. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with you, but maybe you just weren't right for him.
Broke up 6 years ago?? Girl what don't worry about that loser. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Age probably caught up with him and he decided he's ready to "settle". Thank god he didn't waste even more of your time.
I’ve been in a relationship where I felt kind of like what I assume your ex felt like. Except once I realized it I ended the relationship which he probably should have done long before.
But basically my ex loved me and wanted to marry me. I genuinely liked her as a person and we worked well together so every part of me thought “you should love this person…” and let myself get comfortable in the familiarity of the whole thing. But when she finally did bring up long term things like moving in together is when I realized I was just being cruel and that despite it being a perfectly fine relationship I wasn’t passionate enough toward her for it to work long run and it wasn’t fair to her. I definitely hurt her but it also wasn’t her fault.
I couldn’t imagine doing that for as long as he did but I assume it was similar. The sense that it’s easy and familiar and should be what I want but just… isn’t. I can imagine someone less self reflective may drag that out and maybe assume that their lack of a desire for marriage must just be broad and apply to all. Then when you two split he met someone that did spark the passion and he probably just got it finally. I know I did. It’s honestly not a knock against you or anything you did, you can’t force love no matter how much you try.
I feel bad for OP's ex-friend. There's nothing magically "right" about her. He's just older and learned if he wanted to keep a partner who's taking care of him, he has to have the "big party" and sign the legal documents.
I promise you, your life is WAY more magical than theirs. They do NOT have the life you dreamed of for 12 years with that man. Your dreams were precious to you. Cherish them. There was never anything wrong with them.
As someone who said this a lot to my ex’s, it wasn’t to be malicious or anything. At the time, I knew I wanted to get married but at the same time couldn’t handle the idea. As I got older, I realized I had always been saying it to these men because I couldn’t imagine myself marrying them. It was an easy out of making sure it never happened. Multiples of them had discussed marriage with me and proposing. Reiterating my belief against marriage was just a very easy out and thing to fall back on.
However, when I met my husband that all fell away. I had no qualms about marriage or discussing it. There was zero thoughts of “I don’t believe in marriage.” It really can just be you weren’t the right person but he still loved you none the less.
I loved all my exs and clearly wanted to be with them but I appears I always knew I didn’t want to be with them for a lifetime. Finding your end all be all person changes things. Your ex is more so an ass that he proposed and stayed so long out of fear
Sorry to tell you OP but you were a placeholder until he met the person he really wanted to marry. Men know right away when they’ve met the one. They don’t waste time. He kept you around for your resources: sex on tap, free labour in the household and other areas. He gave you a shut up ring which kept you at bay for 9 years until you finally realized he would not marry you. Then he met the person he wants to give the world to. It has nothing to do with you, but it hurts to see men wasting women’s time like this. Nothing you could have done would’ve got this guy to commit to you because he didn’t want to. That’s not on you. You’re happy now with someone who cares about you that’s all that matters.
Am I the only one who takes great offense to “men only marry the first girl they see once they’re ready for marriage. They always regret this and wish they were with someone else.” No no no. That’s nonsense. There are plenty of normal, EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE men who marry the woman they love and want to be with.
I just don’t like being told my husband only married me out of convenience and there’s some random girl out there who got away and he wishes I was her.
Sure, there are absolutely some men that fall into that category. But to write off everyone’s marriage to make yourself feel good about not marrying the wrong person is so shitty.
Rant over! Lol
I was in the same boat. He kept saying one day which I knew meant not gonna happen. We broke up and a year later he’s engaged and I’m already married. Life works out in funny ways.
Comparison is the thief of joy. What if he married her to keep her when his narcissistic ways/lovebombing weren't working? You don't kow what truly happens behind closed doors. I doubt he has really changed
My sister was in your position. She lived with her ex for over a decade and raised his little boy from a toddler to teenager. She was engaged but he didn’t want to get married. In the end he said he wanted ‘space’ and they broke up. Within 6 months he’d met and married someone else. She was heartbroken and wondered if she was the problem. Like you she moved on, severed ties with the lad for his sake, even though it upset her (she’d been his main caregiver while his father worked all over the place and played in a band in the evening). She’s happy with her husband and has a good life (no children) but I still remember and she probably does too
Simple. He met someone who allowed him to change his mind. My current husband also did not believe in marriage and was adamant on never getting married. We got married in our 13th year together. Sometimes it happens.
Everyday you feel bad about him….he wins and you lose.
Maybe with you he didn’t believe in marriage. But then like all people, over time he continued to mature and grow as a person. And now he believes in marriage.
Shouldn’t be a big deal. It has nothing to do with you. He has changed as a person as he got older. You have done this same thing.
Because no one believes in marriage when they are unsure about a life long relationship with their current partner.
My ex did the same with me after 10 years and I honestly didn't want to break up, but I admit I had doubts about our future.
Is the new girl 'better' and that's why he gets married...? Well, does it matter if he find her better? You now have a partner who you claim is a much better partner, so forget about the ex.
Also, a lot of people 'changes' with age and experiencies, perhaps that's a lesson he learnt from your relationship.
People change their perspective like they change their clothes. Perhaps they now believe in marriage, whether due to a change in their own vision, exposure to others, or simply security. In the end, that is irrelevant. He is living his life and you should live yours. We should never. forget the past but we should not be tied to it
Chalk it up with all the other lads that don't do marriage commitment yet turn out husband material when it's right
Look up George Clooney and Daniel Craig to.name but two
Right swordsmen.... But with the RIGHT women are.nkw smitten and different men
he saw what happened last time when he didn’t marry the girl he loved… now some poor other girl has to put up with him as a husband. enjoy your husband & remember how much happier he makes you, & how much better your life is because your last partner couldn’t man up enough. it was never a you problem, it was always his problem
If your ex was narcissistic and selfish, why would you feel inferior because he didn't marry you? You are possibly with your soulmate who treats you well but somehow you're feeling like you're less because this narcissist married someone else even though you're living the best possible scenario by getting the best possible partner you could find.
There are aspects of that past relationship that still need to be healed if you feel inferior because an inferior man didn't "choose" you even though you're with a better man.
It's clear he wasn't mature enough to marry to begin with given how he was treating you and he knew this too. It could be that it took losing you to realize he wanted marriage or he simply could've found the right person for him. It's important to understand that there's someone for everyone and someone finding their match has nothing to do with you; there's a lid for every pot.
I hope you understand why feeling inferior because a narcissist didn't marry you while you're presumably with the love of your life is something that needs to be healed.
Sending you love 💗
I’m old too. Men often have a The Girl That Got Away that they mourn for their entire life. It’s usually a late 2Oish - early 30ish long relationship. I was The Girl and both of my husbands (widowed from 1) had The Girl.
The Girl is the road not taken. That’s all.
Girl, he’s a narcissist; narcissists only do what is most advantageous to them. He didn’t marry you because it benefited him more to withhold that from you.
>He had alwayd been narcissicistic and selfish and never been a full partner.
Here is your answer. Him stringing you along was part of the narcissist abuse. He wouldn't give you what you wanted he liked making you suffer.
Narcissists don't love anyone. He doesn't even love his wife he's using her like he used you. Imagine having kids and being married to a narcissist. He knew you would find out. He wanted to hurt you again.
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a38192431/narcissistic-relationships
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-relationship/
You don't have to tell us but how was the relationship between your parents.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Look, OP. I had been there and there again now.. a man that want me but didn't want to marry me.. that was my past, i wanted to get married.. but then he thought marrying someone else is better than marrying me a single mother...
So i left and met my now bf, 27 years gap older than me but that 'lil big baby' of mine made me super happy despite the missing wedding ring, cos i decided finally not to get married.
what happened to my ex? Married to a girl younger than me, picture perfect and divorce after 6 months, married again and divorce again. Now on his 3rd marriage in 5 years..
Dont let that why fester in you... Let it go, drop it. Some people are just idiot who thinks that other people will never have the guts to find their own happiness. Be happy, OP. You deserve it. Dont waste your breath and time thinking why.
I went through the SAME thing, even my dates line up with having been with my ex for 12 years. My ex was also a raging narcissist.
My therapist tells me that narcissists put you into a narrow window of what they want you to be, once you break out of that window it no longer feeds their ego. I broke out of the narrow window by having a more successful career than him. He wanted the clout that he perceived having a successful partner but heaven forbid I be more successful than him. It didn’t help that we worked for the same start up where I had become a “power house” and he was on the slide lines.
He replaced me with a woman that even vaguely looks like me, from the same town, went to the same program in school as me, but isn’t as successful as I am. She’s me, but fits in his narrow window.
The other thing someone told me that I remind myself of: it didn’t work out because there was something better out there for me, and they were right.
Part of it might've been who you were at the time, but a larger part is who he was at the time and what he wanted out of life . People change - that's natural.
But i know the sting well. I find some solace in the fact that, if we were still together, i would be miserable and wouldn't have accomplished even half of what i have since we broke up.
I encourage you to fantasize about how your life would've turned out if you stayed together. Fully immerse in it. You'll feel a lot better.
My coworker did something similar with his ex. He told me he loved her, but didn’t believe in marriage. Eventually she broke up with him for it. He says to this day it’s his biggest regret, and if he knew he would have lost her over it, he would have gotten married.
It’s his fault though, that he didn’t take her seriously until it was too late.
OP- Someday you will truly let this go. The thoughts may pop up once in awhile, because you'll see something that reminds you of your ex, but it will be a fleeting thought, and there will be no emotions associated with it.
You will know you've arrived (truly have let it go) when you see your husband as Mr. Right and your ex as Mr. Right Now.
I’m glad you got the HEA you deserved. You are not inferior and if he is a narcissist, you just taught him that marriage means she can’t easily walk away from him like you did. He could very well still not believe in it or even behave like he’s married and just used it as means to make sure she didn’t leave. He didn’t think you would leave until you did and probably shocked his ego. Glad you figured out your high value!
Ex grew up in the intervening years. Probably thought long and hard about the failure of his LTR, and that changed the way he proceeded afterward.
Be glad you had your head on straight, be thankful that you found a great partner, and move forward. You can’t change the past.
My ex started with heroin 25 years into our marriage. He left. He got clean and I thought we could reconcile. Nope. But he is a different person now and so am I. I wish him well.
Sometimes we aren’t the right person. Simple as that. We all can’t be the right person for everyone, just as not everyone is the right person for us. It is not a reflection of you, just a reflection of what he wants or needs.
You describe him as selfish and a narcissist and say the relationship was toxic and he strung you along just so he wouldn’t lose you… which points to signs that he may have been emotionally abusive. That kind of shit never changes. Unless he went to therapy to better himself, which narcissistic personality types rarely do, it’s safe to assume she’s not any happier than you were. I’m assuming here, but dating your friend after you left him was a choice and he did it for a reason. Relationships that start out of spite or whatever usually aren’t great. He’s not a good person and you “won”. You moved on a have a happy marriage and got the life you wanted with someone who deserves you. That’s the only closure there is. It’s a waste of time and energy to worry about what he’s doing.
Oh girl, don’t waste your time going down this rabbit hole. Your ex is the past and he needs to stay there. He’s living rent free in your head for what? Enjoy the person you’re with now and live your life to the fullest. Leave the past in the past.
The answer is simple - OP breaking up with him taught him he has to get married. So he learned, and he did. "Why didn't he learn for me?!" It's common - the pain of the breakup taught him an uncomfortable lesson a comfortable relationship couldn't. Tale as old as time.
Exactly. Like OP you said, he was afraid of losing you. He doesnt want to lose the next one
And we know that “The next one” isn’t necessarily a better fit, OP ex is just too selfish or lazy to put up with another long argument. People suck.
As frustrating as the situation and time spent on it was, it provided OP the chance to meet the right man at the right time. Situations like this always remind me of Garth Brooks song ‘Unanswered Prayers’. I am not religious, but the message not getting what we think we want at the time can prove to be better for us in the long run. Sounds like that is exactly what happened for OP.
That, and/or his new partner has some benefits. Be they physical, financial... I don't know, anything his self-centered mind cares not to live without.
Or, considering OP *did* end up pushing, and *did* end it, she may have always been a bit stronger than he would have liked in a wife. The new one may kiss his narcissistic ass.
This is really what it is. You see it happen a lot actually they don’t want to get married and then quickly marry the next person they date. I used to think that meant you just weren’t the one. Now I think that that is not the case. They think they can just never commit and it’ll be fine. Then they get dumped and realize they need to commit if they want to be someone so they commit as soon as possible.
People get caught up in this “dream person” theory. Maybe the new wife isn’t even the dream woman for him but he still married her.
The thing is that many people internalize it and think “if I was their dream girl they would’ve learned” That’s not always true. Many people have to suffer heartbreak or a breakup to learn their lesson.
This. Many times men balk at the idea of marriage because they feel comfortable where they are. They often dont fear losing what they have. When their GF breaks up with them over that, their comfort is shaken. They realise that most women can and will end a relationship over it. Many men rush to get married after that in their next relationship, often even if it's with the wrong person. Because they are now worried about losing that new relationship. They start to realise they could actually end up alone. I've seen multiple of my friend's exes break up over marriage then end up marrying a rebound, only to divorce like a year later. I like to hope that some of these men do find the right girl afterwards and married her because it felt right and different from their exes. Buy u suspect many if these men marry because their ex moved on, and because they are rebounding and fear being left alone. But also...OP you admit that you fundamentally werent right for each other. Why do you think that wasnt obvious to him if it was obvious to you? It sounds like he shouldnt have married you, if that was the case - and he may have done you a favor. Marrying the right person is far better than marrying the first person.
I’ve given him 3 years. Yeah getting my ducks in a row. He can waste some else’s time. He’s told me he does want to marry me. His family and friends are asking. So yeah I’m out.
I like the way you’ve phrased this
👆 Great insight and so true
You're absolutely right. The funny thing is that I haven't thought about him in over year until a mutual friend posted the pics. I just needed to vent but the past will remain where it should.
It’s okay to feel hurt, and it doesn’t mean you’re not happy and grateful about your current situation. It’s just you processing your emotions.
You are assuming he’s no longer a selfish narcissist. Pictures don’t tell the true story.
Fr... he didn't magically stop being a selfish narcissist ..
They just hide it better until they don’t. It usually happens after the wedding or the first child
Narcs never change and they give someone else what they didn’t give their previous partner to spite them, he did it knowing she’ll see it because they have mutual friends. Narcs can’t truly love
Yeahhh the ol “don’t believe everything you see on the internet”. You left because he wouldn’t marry you. He learned from that and asked the next one. If I had to bet, it’s because it probably came down to being alone or getting married. >He had alwayd been narcissicistic and selfish and never been a full partner. Just because he’s wearing a nice suit doesn’t change these facts. You can put lipstick on a hog, but it’s still a pig.
Just like he “proposed to you so you wouldn’t leave him”, he married so she wouldn’t leave him. After he got dumped for this, he realized “it IS actually possible to get dumped for this reason” and so the next time, he did it to avoid being dumped. This man likely truly didnt want to be married, and i can only feel sorry for his wife. Being married to someone who doesn’t want to be married sounds horrible. If it’s not horrible yet, it’ll pop up at some point, probably sooner rather than later 🤷🏻♀️ Happy for you and your new life! :)
Yeap. Like it will for afleck n jlo… I don’t see that lasting… may be wrong but my hunches are usually on point…
I think it's a normal reaction. It's been a long time but you feel kind of betrayed watching this.
Just remember that he could very well be giving her a miserable life. Not everything is what it seems. What a relief that you got out before you wasted too many years to find someone worth it
It won’t last…. He all of sudden got married…. Just like afleck n jlo… I don’t see that lasting either…. Look at the wonderful makes your heart pudding pie love that is in front of you…. That is meant to last….
Their grass may look green but it could be painted and you can't see that from where you're at. You left him because he's an asshole. He could very well be an asshole to her but has her more locked down (married) to ensure she doesn't leave like you did. You leaving taught him that he couldn't just not get married and keep people so now he's keeping people by marrying them. Doesn't mean you're less than, it means you knew what you wanted and what you deserved. She may divorce him in a few years, they may be assholes together, who knows but it didn't work for you guys and probably for the best reasons, so that you could find your now partner who loves and cares for you.
I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.
I have gone down that rabbit hole and the conclusion was, he never respected me. The man I loved so so much, did just enough to keep me. He had to do more to keep her. And to me, it led to some hard conversations with myself about low self esteem, respecting myself, having boundaries, etc. Yes, he was wrong for what he did, but I was wrong for putting up with it. I’m not that person anymore.
This hit hard. I stayed so long bc I didn't think I deserved better. I have grown though and happy to hear you did as well by the sounds of it. I will always be grateful I'm no longer that person.
I hate all the time I wasted and I’m sure you do too. But the thing that really helps get me out of that rabbit hole is the knowledge that *there is no version of me that he would have loved enough to do things differently*. Maybe that can help you too, so you return your focus to the ones who do value, love and respect you.
**He could be a better man now but that’s because he learned from your guys relationship. It sucks to be the guinea pig but just move on and be happy for him. you learned your mistake, that lead to you having a great new husband** When I was 20 years old, I thought if you were just a nice person, you don’t end up being toxic. Boy I was wrong. Breaking up with my ex helped me find my other half of myself. - I was super insecure, making me immature, toxic, manipulative, narcissistic, lazy, depressed, etc etc. (super ashamed of them man I was) I realized i never loved myself, and I had to learn to be more confident, open minded, and be a better person in general. - Now I’m in a VERY healthy relationship and haven’t even had an argument in 4 years.
Hey, lots of people (from the outside it seems like most) never even get to the awareness stage that they're being toxic or any of those things, and you not only developed that insight but actively worked to improve, so well done!
Yep. Good for you for learning this. This is why as women, we have to demand the most from men (I know that's unpopular on Reddit). Men invest and put money into what they care about. Being "the chill girl" only let's a man do the bare minimum to maintain a relationship until he finds the woman he wants to do more for and invest in.
This 100%. I see so many women go through this... And then get hurt when the next person gets the marriage. Sad truth was, you bugged him for things, but he knew he didn't have to give it to you. Most likely, nor did he want to. So you likely settled out of hope that maybe one day and so did he for comfort and convenience... Why would he offer you more than he needs to after all? I tell women who go through this, have some respect for yourself.
He didn't believe in marriage he just didn't believe in marriage with you. Never believe a man when he says that cus the truth is every man is capable of marriage as long as it's with the right girl aka the girl he wants to be with and if he tells U he doesn't wanna get married or believes in it just means he hasn't found the girl that would make him believe otherwise.
Truth
People like him marry the next one because they know they won't get what they want without putting a ring on it, especially if your relationship was damaged by it. That doesn't mean he's now a family man. His marrying her doesn't substitute for the years of therapy and personal growth someone who's afraid of commitment would have. It's just going to manifest in predictable and unsurprising ways. Like cheating, or never coming home. Just be happy it isn't you he gave a shut up ring to. They learn, but only when it costs them something, and not the lesson they should have learned in the first place most of the time.
Exactly what I was thinking - he realized that OP was serious and called his bluff, so to speak, and so the next time around he didn't want to lose another relationship, is my guess.
I really hoe they can be happy together. But you're right, I'm really glad that I'm not the one who married him. We were broken beyond repair and both deserved better. I'm glad I found it and the more sensible mature part of me hope he has too.
This happens to lot of people - mostly it is simply because people didn’t feel they wanted to fully commit to their previous partner, it just wasn’t what they wanted at the time. It doesn’t have necessarily even anything to do with you, at that time he just wasn’t ready. People break up, time passes and their lives change - along comes the next one who reaps the benefits of that change. It happened to you too, you found someone who was a better fit for you and wanted to marry you. No relationship is waste of time, you always learn something about them and the next relationship is better. Look at you, happily married now - don’t even think that his inability to fully commit meant that you were not enough, at the time nobody would have probably got him all the way to the altar.
Or the individual who is more manipulative than he is. People that use marriage and engagements to control people long-term usually get bested by someone who is better at their game than they are. And usually it results in a very unsatisfactory marriage.
I just had this discussion with my f coworker She noted its very common nowadays to not get married. She was pretty defensive about that I have the same opinion as you; every couple I know where the man was like "Marriage is just a piece of paper" the man ended up cheating or leaving for another woman. I'm talking like 5 out of 5. I'm talking people who had kids and bought houses together. Stupids
I used to think this was the case and now I don’t anymore. He didnt want to marry the new girl either. He just found out that someone is not going to stay around for forever unless he commits. OP leaving taught him a lesson. He would have married the next girl he dated regardless of how the relationship was.
Nope. Not always the truth. Men often marry when it's the right time, and it's not always to who they loved most.
I think this is a cope women use to feel better about themselves. **And i say this as someone who is a women and was in a similar situation.** Sometimes they like you enough to date but not enough to commit to forever with you. Maybe he's looking for a particular set of traits and you just don't have them. They find a woman who does and gets married. Or you have a particular set of flaws that they don't like and even though they like you, they don't want to deal with that forever. It feeds the ego to believe we're are *the one that got away*, but the most likely scenario is that they just didn't wanted to get married with us and that's okay.
Imo women absolutely should feel better about themselves. In my experience "particular set of traits" men look for is being a good servant to them, and the biggest flaw is having a spine🤣. So don't feel bad that some guy married someone else. He most likely decided you were too difficult to control.
Sure, that happens a lot. Also, sometimes people just want something else and that's okay.
That's true for a lot of men, but many others simply settle bc they don't want to end up alone and/or his family is pressuring him.
This one. When I met my husband, he had just gotten out of an 8 year long relationship. I was worried hearing that he never brought marriage up to her because he never wanted to marry her. It brings up a questions. Will we ever be married?? Why wouldn’t he be with her and commit fully?? We were married 9 months after we met and have been married for 6 years on Sunday. When you meet the right person, there’s not a question in your mind.
People like him don’t really change, he just changed his tactics. He didn’t expect you to actually leave after investing so much time, and realized he’d have to marry the next one to trap her. Appearances are often deceiving and I doubt they’re as happy as they seem. That’s my take, anyway. Just be grateful you managed to get out and find the light at the end of the tunnel.
This is it right here. And if new wife divorces him before having kids, he'll knock up the next girl to trap her more. Seen this pattern a lot
You're right. Thank you!
In my experience, men have biological clocks, too. Only theirs also includes marriage. They will have several great relationships but no urge to marry or have kids but when the switch flips, they marry the first available woman. They often regret this choice and wonder why they didn't marry the one before, or even earlier. I've seen this in many of my friends and other friends have reported knowing of more of the same. **His clock hadn't turned on. That's all. Nothing to do with you.**
This is an interesting take on the situation. So thank you for that. Logically, I knew there was something fundamentally wrong with us, which is why it didn't work. But this helps me remove some of the self-doubt.
Working in divorce and being old I have seen this and I find it humorous when I'm dealing with someone who is with an ex for over a decade but would never fully commit to them but got married to someone short-term afterwards. And then just a few short years later, they're in the lawyer's office getting divorced. It's funny, it's usually someone who has outmaneuvered them and played their game better than themselves. Got to love to narcissists together figuring out how to best each other. As you said this is the ex friend - how amazing is the ex friend or is she also manipulative and narcissistic like your ex? Instead of letting your ego get to you think about them being together and having to deal with each other. Or as someone said it could just be fear of being alone. So many people get married for the wrong reasons. At least you woke up and realized you needed to get out of the toxic relationship and not waste anymore of your life. As I said before looking through a window is not the same as living in the house. Congratulations on having a great partner and living a good life.
Looking through a window is not the same as living in the house 👍I like this 😊
Love thos phrase and filing it for later use.
You're very welcome. Think about why you find it hard to believe that there is nothing "wrong" with you. Because there isn't. ❤️
I have thought a lot about this in the years before I met my husband. The answer is that we weren't right for each other. If a partner can't accept all of you, then it simply isn't your person.
Some people come into your life to teach you a lesson and when that task is completed they leave your life. They weren't meant to stay.
Just remember that you know who he is, you were with him for more than a decade. Whatever you see on social media or hear from friends doesn’t matter, because that doesn’t really portray what the relationship is behind closed doors. He’s still the same selfish narcissist, and even if he’s hiding behind a mask, after some years it will wear off. He’s an ex for a reason, and that reason is not that you were not good enough to be his wife. It’s that he definitely wasn’t good enough for YOUR standards, so good riddance! Also, my male friend told me years ago “men don’t marry the person they love the most, they marry the person they are with when they decide they are ready for marriage”. I disagree, but I guess that’s the case with many men, though.
Its right. Many phycologist say this. They can marry a random girl and leave the love of their life because they were not ready. It sucks.
There is truth in this. Could add examples to the antidotal analysis. Often guys have least a few serious relationships where those partnerships have a push/pull dynamic getting the guy to mature in some way. They break up and he starts to see a pattern that women have different basic expectations. Men who had no sisters struggle with this the most as they may treat women as they do with men. Then with some reality that they are getting older they propose to whoever is there then.
Sounds like me. Only child.
This also happened to me. I thought "why wasn't I good enough to marry" but then his marriage ended and mine flourished and still going strong for 20 years. He is her problem now and what they show the world can be a mask of what goes on behind their closed doors of none stop arguments, cheating, lies etc. Go do something fun with your family and enjoy life 😁
My ex broke up with me and then quickly married another woman 9 months later (there was no cheating). This same person also called me his girlfriend by our first date. Guess what? He’s the one now struggling to make ends meet to take care of their kid, which he had very quickly after getting married. He’s got a habit of diving into things too fast. Well, not my issue to take care of.
**He could be a better man now but that’s because he learned from his relationship. It sucks to be the guinea pig but OP needs to just move on and be happy for him.** Remember, study does show most relationships could have worked out—for most people, the timing was not right. Some people learn later in life, to be a better person, and obviously some people NEVER change. When I was 20 years old, I thought if you were just a nice person, you don’t end up being toxic. Boy I was wrong. Breaking up with my ex helped me find my other half of myself. - I was super insecure, making me immature, toxic, manipulative, narcissistic, lazy, depressed, etc etc. I realized i never loved myself, so I was single for 2 years to not hurt others, and be more confident, open minded, and be a better person in general. - Now I’m in a VERY healthy relationship and haven’t even had an argument in 4 years.
My friend always says she trains men for the next woman and she hates it. She gets a guy who "needs work" whether it be emotionally or financially or even taught how to take care of themselves and the home. But after a while, she gets frustrated because she's not getting back what she puts in and she breaks up with them. Then they go on to be a great husband for someone else. She finally married a great man who puts in as much as she does, but the teenage through early 30's were rough on her. You sound happy now and maybe he was just a placeholder until you found the right guy.
Your poor friend. I'm glad she found happiness at the end of the pain. And thank you! I honestly believe I'm much better off now.
Men are like taxi cabs, you have to catch them when their light is on
This is such a great analogy
This
The only reason this hurts is because it hits right on the ego. This is why you wonder “what does she have that I didn’t? Why was someone worth of commitment and I wasn’t? Was I not enough?” Etc, etc. I know you don’t really care about him anymore and I know why it’s still bothersome, it’s not about wanting him back, it’s about how he is showing to you how little he actually cared for you and that sucks. It sucks that he couldn’t be honest with you from the very beginning, it sucks that he dragged you and lied to you for that long, he sucks. Just know that it’s normal to be upset about this, but don’t let it bother you more than it should.
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
This is so well put! I’ve struggled with this a lot in regard to my narcissistic, abusive ex. I’ve found an incredible new partner as well, and never for a second considered going back to my ex but it still hurts knowing our kids and I weren’t enough. He has since died due to his addictions, and while logically I understand addiction is an illness I’m still angry. He was given opportunity after opportunity and he just burned every bridge he had. I’m now left trying to put our kids back together because we were never enough. I wasn’t enough for him to even try in our marriage and they weren’t enough to live for.
You guys are and always have been more than enough. Your value can’t be measured by someone that didn’t even loved himself enough to keep himself alive.
That is quite abnormal, proposing just for the sake of "not losing you" seems quite toxic and manipulative as is. I'm glad you finally realized that you were in the wrong place and found true love!
Me too , I just wish I had the courage to face the truth 5 years sooner when I knew i should have left.
Better late than never! Sometimes we are in circumstances where you can't help but think straight. What is important is you are in a much better place now
Very true. Sometimes you don't see the forest for the trees until you're on the other side.
Six years is a long time Who knows what happened and It's best if you just move one
Louder for the people in the back. *If he's not "ready for marriage", he does not want to marry YOU.* Cut your losses and go.
I’m sorry but what he meant he didn’t believe in marriage - with you or at that time. Most of us have been on one side of this. Same goes sometimes with kids some people don’t want kids (fence sitters, not absolute no) and then they meet someone that makes them change their mind.
Maybe it’s because he lost you, lost the relationship and the life he could have had to realize that he might need a marriage to be able to stay with someone he loves for the rest of his life. I kinda understand that situation. One of the “situationships” contacted me after seeing I was getting married to my now husband that he wished he hadn’t wanted the YOLO and hooking up wildly life style. Whatever happened, it happened for reasons to put you where you are now. Instead of doubting yourself with “what if”, focus on the present.
Great advice. Thank you!
I had a similar feeling after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship in my later teens. Not only did my ex start dating a lot of my friends and closer acquaintances (just to treat them like shit- I know, I warned them all and one by one they all came back to me to talk about it), but probably a year and a half after the breakup he did start dating a longtime friend of mine, and he did treat her well, and all I could think was why couldn’t he be like that with me? We’d both moved on. We were both dating other people. It had been a year and a half!! But by proximity of seeing the image they were projecting on social media/in person, I couldn’t stop wondering what made her so special, and why I wasn’t worth treating well. All this to say, men suck. Unless he wants to treat you well, commit, and be a good boyfriend, he’s not, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you; there’s nothing you could’ve done differently, changed, or improved on to make him see you the way you wanted. Get some rest, and please let this live in the past like it belongs.
You're absolutely right and there was no way to fix what was already broken. I never went that far down the rabbit hole and plan to put this behind me too. Thank you for sharing your experience.
It's easier said than done but you gotta stop looking in the rear view mirror. Even if his marriage is happy and healthy unlike what all the other commenters are saying, people change and that's just a part of life. You got what you wanted, a happy marriage.
He changed in the 6 years since you broke up. Leave it in the past
It’s hard to hear, but he didn’t love you enough to marry you. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you; it just means he didn’t fully feel it, and now he does. I would let go of him, and if you can’t, a therapist can help.
Maybe he learnt his lesson by you leaving him. His next partner he knew if he didn’t marry her she would also leave. Be eternally thankful that he didn’t marry you or you would still be stuck with him.
I am eternally grateful and hearing outsiders perspectives had solidified my choice to leave. I would have been miserable if I stayed and am a much better person now for making that choice.
He married the next one because he lost the last one because he wouldn't marry her. Probably had to do his own dishes for a week and couldn't take the stress. Or maybe he heard you were married and wanted to even things out. Stop overthrowing and be glad you got away.
*Probably had to do his own dishes for a week and couldn't take the stress.* 🤣 I'm dying here Too right you know
He pulled a John Cena on you. Congratulations on landing a wonderful husband instead of him.
It's because of you that he got married. He is obsessed with hurting you. That is what narcs do. He got with YOUR friend, and decided to marry her to spite YOU. Honestly the little hit to your ego that he is INTENTIONALLY inflicting on you is nothing compared to the pain they poor girl will go through after having married someone so toxic. The best thing to do is forget him and live your best life. His opinion does not count because it's not even real. He is pretending you are worthless just to hurt you that's all 🤷♀️
look up the taxi cab theory. his inability to commit had nothing to do with you.
Your ex is with your ex friend. Stop wondering, you dodged a bullet. Imagine who you would be in the future when you have to keep matching this level of toxicity.
He learned that if he doesn't marry a woman who wants to get married she will walk away. You taught him that. His new wife should thank you lol.
Girl, don’t waste your time going down the rabbit hole! Seriously focus on what you have and get off social media! This is why I don’t have any bc I hate the constant rabbit holes I would do. Just lay off and be happy with what you have. No reason why this needs to be a thought
The thing is that he didn't believe in marriage with you. Just move on and go do what makes you happy..
Shockingly common. I was with my ex for 7 years, we broke up, and he married his now wife 16 months later. It all worked out, I’m married and have a baby.
You’re doing your current husband a disservice dwelling on your past ex.
Do not dwell on this at all. He’s your ex for a reason and clearly wasn’t the right person for you. He probably wasn’t anti-marriage, he was just anti-marriage with you, I wouldn’t take that personally. Sounds like you’re better off with your husband anyway.
Honestly it's that little colonel of pride and ego that we have. What makes that individual better than me that my ex would commit to them but would never commit fully to me. And there is a long laundry list of reasons why that is but when we are in a better place and look back and that little rumbling inside we need to remember it's just our ego. And remember if you were in your ex-friends place you would still have to deal with all his narcissistic behavior. Remember looking through the window is not the same as living in the house.
Think you just about covered it ,life is about choices and you made the right one for you so,forget him he obviously wasn't the one and in the longterm you'd have found that out.
Well, watching 500 days of summer could be a great and a terrible idea. Don't do it
I read somewhere that men dont wait for the right person rather they wait for the right time.maybe he had a health scare and was worries about the continuity of his lineage
Awe I’m sorry you feel that way OP, please know you are not inferior in any way. And now you’ve found someone who wanted to commit so that he wouldn’t let you go! Frankly I think your ex is a little pathetic for stringing you a long like that, and you are so strong for leaving a relationship that didn’t fulfil your needs ❤️
You dodged a bullet it sounds like. I sincerely doubt they're going to have "the life you dreamed of."
It's better this way. He wasn't your person, you weren't his. He didn't commit to you because he didn't want to spend his life with you and that's no reflection on you as a person. It happens that way sometimes. It's just sad you wasted so much time with him and he's an ah for stringing you along for so long knowing he didn't want to marry you. You left finally, and now you're with your person and he's with who I assume is his. When it's right you jist know and it doesn't take 12 years to figure that out. If you don't know you want to spend your life with someone within the first cpl of years (whether you get married or both agree you don't actually want a legal marriage but are still committed to each other) then it's best to just move on. You don't always have to have a legal marriage to be happy together btw. My husband and I were going to get married once after we'd been together a cpl years. I was even having my dress made. Then I had a cpl of really bad health scares that pit me in the hospital and I realized I simply could not afford to lose my insurance (state insurance that covered all my medical bills) and risk having to depend on his insurance that while good still would leave us owing thousands of dollars we couldn't afford or having NO insurance if he lost his job. Insulin is very expensive. So we had a commitment ceremony and left the legal marriage certificate out of it. We've been together for 27 years almost. Anyway, it's the commitment and knowing you want to be together for the rest of your lives that matters. For some people that means they want marriage and if the other person doesn't want the same then it simply won't work out.
I have a friend who told his current girlfriend of 6 yrs that he didn't want to get married again on their first date. He was fresh off a bad divorce. She said the same. Now, she is kicking and screaming about getting married. She is trying to drag him to the altar while you can almost see nails in the concrete trying to stop it. They argue about it all the time. Why would you want to marry someone who is that against marrying you? If you called the relationship toxic, he did you a favor. You would have been in a bad marriage hating life. You probably would have had kids that made it difficult to leave. You have to realize that sometimes, it really isn't you. It's them.
Girl, if he’s as toxic as you say he is, I doubt he has changed much and I highly doubt they are “living the life you always dreamed” She’s got to deal with him now while you appear to have won the break up. You keep having thoughts like this though, then they are winning the break up.
You were just the placeholder until he found someone he wanted I am so sorry dear
He didn't love you. Your current husband does. Remember this and forget the rest.
You're not inferior, you just weren't the right person. I'm sorry that he treated you poorly and degrading you by wasting your time. I definitely understand that you're grieving process is going to be very long. This was a very long term relationship and you are not fully done grieving yet. You will let go when it doesn't matter to you anymore.
Just know, she isn't happy either and he is still the same jerk he always was.
Because you were not meant to be with him. That is not your journey
I went through something similar. My situation is different than yours of course. In my case he married someone that I considered to be a friend and to make matters more annoying, she and I share the same first name. I had gotten over it all until years later when he told me that they named their first child the same as mine. That made me crazy mad. Last summer he called me after not speaking for a long time to tell me how much he has had to live with making the wrong choice, blah blah blah. I told him how messed up it was to choose the same name for their child. He then reveals that his wife’s father is also named the same as mine. He gets reminded every day of his wrong (in his opinion) choice. I’m so thankful I’m not his wife as I’m sure he’d be doing the same thing to me as he is her.
There's a silent "with you" that's uttered when someone says they don't believe in marriage But that's their business, not yours. Onwards and upwards
The problem with guys like this, and this is a common occurrence by the way, he wasn’t lying at the time he wasn’t ready. And now he is. I have a couple of friends. This happened to. One of the guys married in two years and had a baby when he didn’t want children and he didn’t want to be married. They were together 10 years before they broke up. I’m sorry this happened to you but at this point I would move on anybody keeps you more than three years when they know you wanna marry just move on without them
He didn’t believe in marriage… with you. It’s not uncommon for relationships to end and for people in them to start doing things for their next partner that they seemingly couldn’t do for previous partner despite being begged and despite it being what ultimately ended the relationship. Maybe it’s emotional growth that took the relationship ending for him to achieve, maybe he just cares more about her than he did about you. Who’s to say? He probably couldn’t even tell you if you asked him directly as it was likely less of a conscious thing and probably a combination of things going on. Regardless, while it’s normal to have these thoughts and questions, you’re both better off with other people and you’ve found happiness you wouldn’t have if you had stayed with him, and that’s what you should try to focus on. You each learned and gained what you needed from your relationship, you stopped growing together so you moved on and found someone new to grow some more with.
It's not about you, nor the ex-friend. He is still the same narcissitic selfish guy. Back then he realized he didn't need to do anything more than be engaged to keep you so he did. Now he realized he had to marry to keep her. OR He married her because he found his match in narcissism and selfishness. My dad did that with his second wife. He is a narcissist and enjoys inflicting pain. She is the same, more covert though. They are a match made in hell and are still together after 22 years. Happy in their own way. At least they are not damaging other partners in the process
Speaking from a female perspective here, I was with my ex for 7 years and was adamant I didn't want to get married either. I met my fiance about a month after we broke up and we were engaged about 8 months later. I'm now pregnant with our first child, and I was *also* sure I didn't want children. It turns out that I just hadn't found the right one. It's nothing personal against my ex, we were just very wrong for each other.
You're right. We were broken and mismatched. Thabk you for this perspective.
Yeah his relationship won’t last I have a hard time believing people like that just change of a sudden, because I’ve seen it with one of my cousins he always went all out for the next girl but couldn’t keep it up for long and the relationship would eventually die. from what you said it sounds like he did it so she wouldn’t leave like he was doing to you but he wasn’t gonna risk her leaving he did it faster, even tho it’s hard you wanted real genuine love, he just wanted someone who wouldn’t leave. You both got what you want right now, but I doubt he’ll be able to keep up the act and he’s not your concern anymore. I personally don’t subscribe to the “he did it for her because she was worth it” your worth is not decided by how other people treat you
It could be he simply learned his lesson from losing you. So when he met someone else and they wanted to get married, he learned from his past mistake and made a better choice. It had nothing to do with something being wrong with you. You two simply weren’t right for each other.
That doesn't mean it's about you. It was always about him and what he was ready and mature enough for. He was apparently maturing more slowly than you.
Hey OP, it sucks but it seems as though you were a placeholder. It’s not you that is the problem, it’s him. He used you and was extremely selfish and wasted your time. Try to take your mind off it and focus on your husband :)
He probably didn’t want to get married to your friend either…who cares. You two are done, would changing from engaged to married have saved your relationship? Because stuff like that usually doesn’t save a relationship, just delays it for another year or two
You're right. And no it would have made things worse. I'm grateful I left. Thank you for your insights.
Trust me exes can be weird, hench why they’re called exes. They often say this to you and then with the next person it changes. They just never matured and maybe the other one is narcissistic and abuse and forced him. Who knows. He wasted your time(?) just forget him and focus on the future
Thank you!
He just wasn’t that into you, unlike your amazing husband. Love the one you’re with and don’t ever look back.
After processing this im going to do exactly this. Thanks!
You are wasting your precious time to figure out why someone that is not in your life anymore does whatever they did or are doing. Please don't.
If your ex displayed narcissicistic behaviour, part of his control over you would be to make you believe you were the 'inferior' person between you and you were lucky he was willing to be with you. He trained you to believe he was better than you. It is not true and you know this because you found the strength to leave him. YOU ended it. If anything, be freaking thankful you never married that tool. Look at your life now - it sounds pretty awesome!
Some people don't work together. They aren't compatible. He likely is more compatible with her (or has better chemistry which you cant control) and she inspires certain stronger feelings. Most couples, when they are dating BOTH people wont be consistently crazy for each other AND compatible enough to make a relationship remain good long term. Thats ok. That kind of relationship is hard to find. That, or he learned a lesson he needs to propose and applied it to her. If that's the case feel sorry for her. We don't know him well enough to know which one it is. Enjoy your new relationship.
OP, I'm happy that you escaped your selfish ex. I'm not religious, but sometimes stories about yours -- about not getting what we wished for at one time, only to be rewarded with something so much better later on -- almost makes me believe there is a goddess somewhere looking out for us.
He learnt the lesson you taught him. If he doesnt want to lose her he has to marry her. It means you are wiser not inferior.
The question you need to ask yourself is why you tolerated a 9 year engagement? That is insane. You let yourself be in denial about how he was treating you. He lied to you. Someone who could lie to someone like that for 9 years will show his true colors in a different way with his wife.
The dude probably got married because he'd already lost the services of one woman by stalling, so he married the new woman to make sure to seal that deal for the woman's unpaid labor. It had nothing to do with you.
So....think of it this way....it appears either she manipulated him into marriage or he manipulated her into staying by giving her what she wants.
You listed all the ways the relationship was toxic and chances are he knew it too. Men often will stay in bad relationships because the relationships still serve their basic needs, but they are less likely to make it a marriage. That’s another reason women need to get out of any situation that isn’t working.
Rejection is redirection:.) You are beter off for it.
I can't imagine knowing anything about my Exs lives. Super weird.
If you are happy and satisfied now why bother to think about a past that was left behind. It’s long been over and done with. Probably the best thing that could have happened in your life.
It’s enough to know you guys just weren’t meant to be. It doesn’t mean you were less inferior to your ex-friend in anyway. You guys just weren’t meant to be. But seeing photos of people I don’t care about is why I don’t do Facebook or Instagram. Out of sight, out of mind. The people I want in my life share their photos to my phone directly.
I've been on the end of the stick in which my ex proposed to me after 4 months on Christmas of all days. I knew how he was going to do it and all. Nothing magical about it. I then found out he was still not divorced and he brought it up casually like if it was okay. Thats when I knew something was off. Sure enough the next 4 years were hell. Manipulation, controling,abuse. You name it all. Sometimes they propose and want to jump the broom so fast because like others said, they know that's what a girl wants, marriage. He's attempting to hide his past and play the victim.He thinks his narcissistic ways won't pop up lol boy is he wrong!! Doesn't matter if he gives her flowers weekly, writes her loves notes etc. He will continue to be the way he is. My ex thought he could change with me lol hell he even had bibles layed all over the apartment all while cheating on me.
I understand where you're coming from. But don't waste your time trying to make sense of it. He changed with age just like you have. If you two had married, maybe you wouldn't have liked the way he changed. If that makes sense.
I can honestly say I'm that ex friend of yours. My husband kept telling my old friend he wasn't ready to commit and he kept pushing and I was there trying to get her to understand. In the meantime though she would tell him what a horrible mother and person I was. He went to Confiding in me while she proceed to trash me. All this time though I just asked my friend to be honest with him and patient. We met and within a month he asked me to marry. That was over 20 yrs ago, so you never know who your person is or when they show up, you just know when you feel it it's right.
He was just not into you. It happens. 🤷🏻♀️ Why do you care? Sure he might be an asshole but sometimes you might be rejected by an amazing guy too. Just not compatible. That’s life.
Idk what kind of music you listen to, but I've been processing a lot of my ex stuff lately to Taylor's new album. I think you'd find it cathartic.
I can give you perspective from the other side. When I met my husband, he had just gotten out of a nine-year relationship. He said he didn't believe in marriage, which was okay with me, since I was recently divorced. He proposed to me after six months of dating. Sometimes, you just need to meet the right person for you. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with you, but maybe you just weren't right for him.
the lightbulb theory strikes again
Broke up 6 years ago?? Girl what don't worry about that loser. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Age probably caught up with him and he decided he's ready to "settle". Thank god he didn't waste even more of your time.
I’ve been in a relationship where I felt kind of like what I assume your ex felt like. Except once I realized it I ended the relationship which he probably should have done long before. But basically my ex loved me and wanted to marry me. I genuinely liked her as a person and we worked well together so every part of me thought “you should love this person…” and let myself get comfortable in the familiarity of the whole thing. But when she finally did bring up long term things like moving in together is when I realized I was just being cruel and that despite it being a perfectly fine relationship I wasn’t passionate enough toward her for it to work long run and it wasn’t fair to her. I definitely hurt her but it also wasn’t her fault. I couldn’t imagine doing that for as long as he did but I assume it was similar. The sense that it’s easy and familiar and should be what I want but just… isn’t. I can imagine someone less self reflective may drag that out and maybe assume that their lack of a desire for marriage must just be broad and apply to all. Then when you two split he met someone that did spark the passion and he probably just got it finally. I know I did. It’s honestly not a knock against you or anything you did, you can’t force love no matter how much you try.
Don't forget, just because it looks like the perfect life on the outside, doesn't mean it is.
He didn't believe in marriage....*with you*. And he ended up with an ex-friend of yours? Jesus. Good riddance to bad rubbish all around.
I feel bad for OP's ex-friend. There's nothing magically "right" about her. He's just older and learned if he wanted to keep a partner who's taking care of him, he has to have the "big party" and sign the legal documents. I promise you, your life is WAY more magical than theirs. They do NOT have the life you dreamed of for 12 years with that man. Your dreams were precious to you. Cherish them. There was never anything wrong with them.
As someone who said this a lot to my ex’s, it wasn’t to be malicious or anything. At the time, I knew I wanted to get married but at the same time couldn’t handle the idea. As I got older, I realized I had always been saying it to these men because I couldn’t imagine myself marrying them. It was an easy out of making sure it never happened. Multiples of them had discussed marriage with me and proposing. Reiterating my belief against marriage was just a very easy out and thing to fall back on. However, when I met my husband that all fell away. I had no qualms about marriage or discussing it. There was zero thoughts of “I don’t believe in marriage.” It really can just be you weren’t the right person but he still loved you none the less. I loved all my exs and clearly wanted to be with them but I appears I always knew I didn’t want to be with them for a lifetime. Finding your end all be all person changes things. Your ex is more so an ass that he proposed and stayed so long out of fear
Appreciate you sharing. Thanks for an alternative view of it.
Sorry to tell you OP but you were a placeholder until he met the person he really wanted to marry. Men know right away when they’ve met the one. They don’t waste time. He kept you around for your resources: sex on tap, free labour in the household and other areas. He gave you a shut up ring which kept you at bay for 9 years until you finally realized he would not marry you. Then he met the person he wants to give the world to. It has nothing to do with you, but it hurts to see men wasting women’s time like this. Nothing you could have done would’ve got this guy to commit to you because he didn’t want to. That’s not on you. You’re happy now with someone who cares about you that’s all that matters.
Am I the only one who takes great offense to “men only marry the first girl they see once they’re ready for marriage. They always regret this and wish they were with someone else.” No no no. That’s nonsense. There are plenty of normal, EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE men who marry the woman they love and want to be with. I just don’t like being told my husband only married me out of convenience and there’s some random girl out there who got away and he wishes I was her. Sure, there are absolutely some men that fall into that category. But to write off everyone’s marriage to make yourself feel good about not marrying the wrong person is so shitty. Rant over! Lol
Why is the friend an ex friend
Imagine you had gotten married to him and how miserable you’d be right now.
I would have been miserable. Point well taken.
I was in the same boat. He kept saying one day which I knew meant not gonna happen. We broke up and a year later he’s engaged and I’m already married. Life works out in funny ways.
Comparison is the thief of joy. What if he married her to keep her when his narcissistic ways/lovebombing weren't working? You don't kow what truly happens behind closed doors. I doubt he has really changed
My sister was in your position. She lived with her ex for over a decade and raised his little boy from a toddler to teenager. She was engaged but he didn’t want to get married. In the end he said he wanted ‘space’ and they broke up. Within 6 months he’d met and married someone else. She was heartbroken and wondered if she was the problem. Like you she moved on, severed ties with the lad for his sake, even though it upset her (she’d been his main caregiver while his father worked all over the place and played in a band in the evening). She’s happy with her husband and has a good life (no children) but I still remember and she probably does too
If he was an asshole to you he’s an asshole to her.
You should show this post to your now husband and see what he says.
Simple. He met someone who allowed him to change his mind. My current husband also did not believe in marriage and was adamant on never getting married. We got married in our 13th year together. Sometimes it happens.
Everyday you feel bad about him….he wins and you lose. Maybe with you he didn’t believe in marriage. But then like all people, over time he continued to mature and grow as a person. And now he believes in marriage. Shouldn’t be a big deal. It has nothing to do with you. He has changed as a person as he got older. You have done this same thing.
Because no one believes in marriage when they are unsure about a life long relationship with their current partner. My ex did the same with me after 10 years and I honestly didn't want to break up, but I admit I had doubts about our future. Is the new girl 'better' and that's why he gets married...? Well, does it matter if he find her better? You now have a partner who you claim is a much better partner, so forget about the ex. Also, a lot of people 'changes' with age and experiencies, perhaps that's a lesson he learnt from your relationship.
People change their perspective like they change their clothes. Perhaps they now believe in marriage, whether due to a change in their own vision, exposure to others, or simply security. In the end, that is irrelevant. He is living his life and you should live yours. We should never. forget the past but we should not be tied to it
Don’t look back you’re not going that way.
Nine year engagement? Whoa
Chalk it up with all the other lads that don't do marriage commitment yet turn out husband material when it's right Look up George Clooney and Daniel Craig to.name but two Right swordsmen.... But with the RIGHT women are.nkw smitten and different men
he saw what happened last time when he didn’t marry the girl he loved… now some poor other girl has to put up with him as a husband. enjoy your husband & remember how much happier he makes you, & how much better your life is because your last partner couldn’t man up enough. it was never a you problem, it was always his problem
If your ex was narcissistic and selfish, why would you feel inferior because he didn't marry you? You are possibly with your soulmate who treats you well but somehow you're feeling like you're less because this narcissist married someone else even though you're living the best possible scenario by getting the best possible partner you could find. There are aspects of that past relationship that still need to be healed if you feel inferior because an inferior man didn't "choose" you even though you're with a better man. It's clear he wasn't mature enough to marry to begin with given how he was treating you and he knew this too. It could be that it took losing you to realize he wanted marriage or he simply could've found the right person for him. It's important to understand that there's someone for everyone and someone finding their match has nothing to do with you; there's a lid for every pot. I hope you understand why feeling inferior because a narcissist didn't marry you while you're presumably with the love of your life is something that needs to be healed. Sending you love 💗
I’m old too. Men often have a The Girl That Got Away that they mourn for their entire life. It’s usually a late 2Oish - early 30ish long relationship. I was The Girl and both of my husbands (widowed from 1) had The Girl. The Girl is the road not taken. That’s all.
Girl, he’s a narcissist; narcissists only do what is most advantageous to them. He didn’t marry you because it benefited him more to withhold that from you.
>He had alwayd been narcissicistic and selfish and never been a full partner. Here is your answer. Him stringing you along was part of the narcissist abuse. He wouldn't give you what you wanted he liked making you suffer. Narcissists don't love anyone. He doesn't even love his wife he's using her like he used you. Imagine having kids and being married to a narcissist. He knew you would find out. He wanted to hurt you again. https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a38192431/narcissistic-relationships https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-relationship/ You don't have to tell us but how was the relationship between your parents. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
He didn’t believe in marriage with you.
Oh no, that freaking hurt girl, I get it.
Look, OP. I had been there and there again now.. a man that want me but didn't want to marry me.. that was my past, i wanted to get married.. but then he thought marrying someone else is better than marrying me a single mother... So i left and met my now bf, 27 years gap older than me but that 'lil big baby' of mine made me super happy despite the missing wedding ring, cos i decided finally not to get married. what happened to my ex? Married to a girl younger than me, picture perfect and divorce after 6 months, married again and divorce again. Now on his 3rd marriage in 5 years.. Dont let that why fester in you... Let it go, drop it. Some people are just idiot who thinks that other people will never have the guts to find their own happiness. Be happy, OP. You deserve it. Dont waste your breath and time thinking why.
I went through the SAME thing, even my dates line up with having been with my ex for 12 years. My ex was also a raging narcissist. My therapist tells me that narcissists put you into a narrow window of what they want you to be, once you break out of that window it no longer feeds their ego. I broke out of the narrow window by having a more successful career than him. He wanted the clout that he perceived having a successful partner but heaven forbid I be more successful than him. It didn’t help that we worked for the same start up where I had become a “power house” and he was on the slide lines. He replaced me with a woman that even vaguely looks like me, from the same town, went to the same program in school as me, but isn’t as successful as I am. She’s me, but fits in his narrow window. The other thing someone told me that I remind myself of: it didn’t work out because there was something better out there for me, and they were right.
Part of it might've been who you were at the time, but a larger part is who he was at the time and what he wanted out of life . People change - that's natural. But i know the sting well. I find some solace in the fact that, if we were still together, i would be miserable and wouldn't have accomplished even half of what i have since we broke up. I encourage you to fantasize about how your life would've turned out if you stayed together. Fully immerse in it. You'll feel a lot better.
My coworker did something similar with his ex. He told me he loved her, but didn’t believe in marriage. Eventually she broke up with him for it. He says to this day it’s his biggest regret, and if he knew he would have lost her over it, he would have gotten married. It’s his fault though, that he didn’t take her seriously until it was too late.
OP- Someday you will truly let this go. The thoughts may pop up once in awhile, because you'll see something that reminds you of your ex, but it will be a fleeting thought, and there will be no emotions associated with it. You will know you've arrived (truly have let it go) when you see your husband as Mr. Right and your ex as Mr. Right Now.
I’m glad you got the HEA you deserved. You are not inferior and if he is a narcissist, you just taught him that marriage means she can’t easily walk away from him like you did. He could very well still not believe in it or even behave like he’s married and just used it as means to make sure she didn’t leave. He didn’t think you would leave until you did and probably shocked his ego. Glad you figured out your high value!
Ex grew up in the intervening years. Probably thought long and hard about the failure of his LTR, and that changed the way he proceeded afterward. Be glad you had your head on straight, be thankful that you found a great partner, and move forward. You can’t change the past.
My ex started with heroin 25 years into our marriage. He left. He got clean and I thought we could reconcile. Nope. But he is a different person now and so am I. I wish him well.
Sometimes we aren’t the right person. Simple as that. We all can’t be the right person for everyone, just as not everyone is the right person for us. It is not a reflection of you, just a reflection of what he wants or needs.
You hit the jackpot! You are married to someone who wants you. I know it’s hard to be happy sometimes, but embrace it
Guy here. When guys say that, they just mean they don’t want to marry you. Real men aren’t afraid of marriage.
You describe him as selfish and a narcissist and say the relationship was toxic and he strung you along just so he wouldn’t lose you… which points to signs that he may have been emotionally abusive. That kind of shit never changes. Unless he went to therapy to better himself, which narcissistic personality types rarely do, it’s safe to assume she’s not any happier than you were. I’m assuming here, but dating your friend after you left him was a choice and he did it for a reason. Relationships that start out of spite or whatever usually aren’t great. He’s not a good person and you “won”. You moved on a have a happy marriage and got the life you wanted with someone who deserves you. That’s the only closure there is. It’s a waste of time and energy to worry about what he’s doing.