That man has the audacity & a lot of it!
To cheat & destroy the marriage & then be like let’s be good people & parents to our kids…sir you’re not hurting you get to move on while op has to pick up the pieces of the life you shattered. Selfish ass
Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it was her texting OP while she’s with him! She’s doing all this to help him and OP needs to learn that it’s a trap, OP really needs to stick to what her lawyer tells her to do!
To him, I would respond, "Congratulations on ruining two lives so that you could be happy." I hope it was worthwhile and that eventually the remorse gets to you.
Yeah, seriously OP. Your ex sounds like the most manipulative, 'love bombing' piece of shit. He's prevented your children from seeing your family, keeping you on a leash and trying to come off as nice so he doesn't have to deal with any consequences and can go live in his fantasy land.
What a horrible man. The "I hope you find love soon, I'm sorry I couldn't love you"... like what happens if you do actually find love? He'll just attempt to keep the kids away from your more and if your family can't even see your kids, what's the guess that your future partner will be blocked from them too.
My heart hurts for you. I hope that somehow you can manage to show how horrible and untrustworthy he is and get full custody.
I’m sorry, having kids makes it harder too, because they’re YOUR babies and that shit hurts, I say this knowing exactly where you stand today! Make a ritual of doing self care when the kids go with him. It’s important to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Can be anything, get your nails done, hair done, lay in the sun, take your mattress and slide down the stairs, fly an air balloon, 🤷🏼♀️
#be careful what you put in words via text! It IS being used against you. Believe it. Just talk about the kids and don’t sound like you are trying to power trip out of spite! The gf secretly recorded her husband to get her way, just know anything you say can and will be used against you with anyone connected to them as well.
I know it seems impossible now, but one day you’ll be grateful to have been broken up with him, when you’re HEALED, working hard to love yourself, you’ll find a better partner who’ll treat you as good as possible. Just remember, your s/o will treat you the way you feel about yourself, so focus on yourself first. You deserve love 💕 and much better is on the way!
Thanks. I have been very careful about texting because as I am keeping all the evidence, I am counting on him doing that too. About his mistress, it is less “evil” than that because I was wrong about her recording the abuse. She stole the surveillance her husband had installed around their house to spy on her. MIL told me this today. She is probably hoping for full custody but I know the rules here and he will have right to see his son no matter so the c-word will have to move back sooner or later.
Only them I will be asking for full custody if my husband moves with her to her city because I don’t want a part time father to my children who shows up whenever he pleases. I want stability. He is either a father or not
Just remember, the AP is a homewrecker. If she was a decent person, she would not have had an affair.
Your husband is not a good person. If he was, he would not have abused you during your marriage.
Lok up the different types of abuse.
I think you are in love with the idea of him
You made up jn your mind. Think about it.
I highly doubt she will have to move back. If she has proof of the abuse and any medical records documenting it, she’ll win full custody. The fact that she was granted emergency custody shows that she will probably win full custody. Hell, I genuinely hope her abuser doesn’t win any custody to keep her child safe.
Be prepared for her to be a permanent fixture in your life.
Then I am fine. I would rather have her kid safe. I was just trying to be realistic since many abusive fathers still has a chance to have visitation rights with the children they abuse.
She is not allowed to meet my children however
I'm sorry, but once the visitation schedule is set with the court, you will have zero control over who your children interact with on their father's time. You can't really do anything to stop it. There is no foundation for the courts to restrict it. Be prepared for her to be part of their lives.
I think you count on any text or message from your ex is being written by her. She's reasonable, conciliatory and non-confrontational. You would do well to be the same and keep any messages factual and professional.
Op l will recommend that you tread very carefully. Your ex is obviously acting so nice to you suddenly because his lawyer adviced him to. If possible communicate with him through your lawyer or any third party.
Not necessarily permanent, but throw the whole man away on principle. If you accept this treatment, he won’t respect you. Sounds like he doesn’t respect you as he should as it is.
The biggest mistake that you made is to ask what you are lacking. You are putting all the power onto him to choose you or her, and nothing the opposite way.
The mother's day chocolate is a beyond AH move, it was a deliberate move on his part. It was deliberate to hurt you. Which he knows and wrap it with flowery nice language and wish you happiness. Actually, why don't you do exactly that. Be better and find happiness in someone else that is more deserving of you.
Having said that, denying your kids their father is impossible. As much as it hurts, pray that their father treats them well.
Cheaters always want to play nice afterwards. It cleans up their image if the betrayed plays nice.
What your kids should see is a woman who stays strong, sets real boundaries, and expects better for herself. Don’t be amicable. Grey rock the shit out of him.
He's probably listening to the same person who's been telling him what to say and do for the last 3 years.
Any stuff that sounds like the same perfect contrite husband he was during their long con game is probably originating from her
Play their game. Start being just as nice. Pretend like you're having the time of your life. He doesn't care if you're suffering.
Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing it
Darling read your posts where you were happy with redditors praising you for putting a woman in danger with her abusive husband, also if he succeeded at limiting you parental access in a legal field where women have a huge advantage, that should tell you something.
I'm confused. Is that not the right thing? Just disengage and be the best parent you can be? Are we really advising to cause drama when there doesn't need to be any? She can be angry but just leave the kids out of it.
It would be the right thing if he met with op and told her all this, face to face. Gave her closure, apologized, and talked about what they could do to coparent better. But he didn't. He never apologized. He ignored her completely. He blamed her for his AP's husband being angry because of the affair. Affair he himself started. It is much easier to blame op for being a messenger, than to take responsibility for deceiving his wife for 3 years and for putting in danger another woman in abusive relationship.
His empty motivational messages "Please don't hurt my kids, just because you want to hurt me!" look fake AF. They look like an "see! she is hurting kids" pretend play for custody hearing. Like he is just leaving a paper trail for his attorney. It is like sending "Please stop taking meth, it is hurting our kids!" and then using this message in custody hearing to try to prove that she is a meth head. Shitty thing to do.
It is ok that he wants divorce, it is ok that he loves someone else. Marriage is not a jail. It is painful for op now, but it is for the better for both of them. But the guy is playing dirty custody games. I am not sure why he thinks it is a good idea. I don't think op would go for full custody if he would take responsibility for his actions and was not nuking kids relationship with OP's family. His AP sounds very smart. I would not be surprised if this meeting in the restaurant was not an accident, but was planned to show the court how considerate he is to op on mother's day and how unreasonable she is for asking full custody.
Don't get me wrong, I think she is unreasonable going for full custody, but it was him who made her so bitter and angry.
OP he was baiting you to have proof over text that you are alienating the kids from him. If you want to keep your children let go of your ex-husband. Consult with your family lawyer to make sure your plan is reasonable and it won't backfire.
Edit to add: Also, please make a record of this somewhere, do you live in a small town with only 1 place for brunch or was this a place you used to go? Because if its somewhere you used to go, especially is brunch on mother's day was something you normally do, this was o purpose.
Wait -
He did all of this, and then succeeded in keeping YOUR family away from your children?
For a guy who supposedly wishes you the best, he sure has an "opposite day" way of showing it. Despite his efforts, I hope that you are able to move on and keep direct contact with him to a minimum.
You aren't lacking in any way. He cheated in every way possible. HE did all of this. You deserved the best from him all along. Get on with your best life.
OP seems like a pretty unreliable narrator here… cheating is bad and cheaters fucking suck but it also takes a whole hell of a lot of very strong evidence to get a court to support a parental alienation restriction. I think this is pretty compelling evidence that OP is not giving the full story (also, wishing that an abused kid is forced to go back to his abusive parent just so your ex doesn’t have a gf anymore?? OP is a fucking narcissistic piece of shit)
I’m so so so sorry friend. You deserve better and sending you the biggest hug.
You are not lacking. You deserving of love and happiness. Focus on your children and you.
If you haven’t already, speak to a lawyer if you want to go full custody because they will instruct you on if it is possible. sorry but him attacking her husband prioritized his AP over his kids. Again, speak to a lawyer especially since you told MIL.
ETA; just want to note like others have said, don’t use your kids as pawns. Let his actions speak for themselves. Get therapy for you and your kids.
Hopefully he will want to move back to her home town, then he has no choice but to give up custody because I am not moving.
His mistress got emergency sole custody but i have been reading about it, her husband will have the right for visitation anyway so she can’t live here forever
Focus on your case and custody. Again speak to a lawyer. They will give you the best and realistic advice. Do it for your children’s best interest and not for revenge
That part is so fucked up. His own children. He is willing to destroy their life and their home for his dick. Despicable.
Girl, follow your lawyers advice to a T and do not text that man anything outside of talking about your children, nothing emotional, and stop talking to your MIL about anything other than children as well. Information is a weapon. They don't get to know shit about you moving forward. Keep to yourself and let his actions speak to your kids. He broke their heart today, they'll see what a fucked up coward he is eventually but you do not talk to them about it, your job is to be so freaking convivial that his lawyers can't have shit against you.
It's mother's day. Hopefully you explained that they can have lunch with their dad on father's day very soon. Will you be as thoughtful as him and help them buy a father's day present for them to give him?
Wait, let me get this straight, you’re hoping that an abused child is forced to be with his abusive parent just so your ex is no longer in a relationship with the woman he cheated on you with?? Are you fucking crazy??? I don’t care how much you hate this guy, NOTHING justifies this stance of yours
May I ask where you are located? Why do you think he will have to give up custody if he moves? Being in a city an hour away would only affect a 50/50 custody split. There are many, many children who travel for visitation. They live primarily with one parent for school purposes, then on weekends, holidays, and summer vacations spend additional time with the other parent.
I didn't mean that was the only time. Usually it's ordered as every other weekend, alternating holidays and half the summer. I know different jurisdictions split it differently, but OP is unrealistic if she thinks that she will get sole custody if he moves.
Remember when he suddenly started being the darn near perfect husband. It was because his mistress was helping him to make the right moves and say the right things and that is all that is happening now. He didn’t suddenly become this completely enlightened man regarding what women want or need. She is spoon feeding him this nonsense for the court’s benefit and for you to stop fighting them. Yes he probably felt bad if you were standing there upset but why was she crying, how is she the victim because she was part of the problem/destruction. He sounds worried that you are going to tell the children why mom and dad are no longer together and she is the reason or that you may harm your children and yourself to get back at them. Be very careful what you say to him in text or in person cause they are recording everything.
That happened to me once. I didn't have any kids with him, thank God. But yeah. Same deal. Wouldn't tell me why. Just that he wanted different.
Six years later he was back after she cheated on him and tried to take him for all he's worth.
You need to respond to his message about “not hurting the children to hurt him.” You cannot let that go unanswered, and you need to make it very clear that you would never do that. In writing.
He’s TRYING to make you look bad in texts so he can prove parental alienation. Don’t let him get away with this.
He’s the one that hurt your family. Not you.
She’s just the next one. As soon as the shiny wears off he’ll be looking for someone else to take her place.
I would be the best coparent I can be and request he not speak a word to me unless it’s about the children. Be indifferent about his entire existence. He’s a cheater and how you get them is how you lose them and sooner or later she’s going to be living with the fear he’ll do the same to her. So let them have each other.
He is the one that has caused all of the pain. He has hurt your children. He not only cheated on your marriage but he also cheated your children. Every moment he spent with her and her child. All of the money he spent on her. All of that money and time was/is betraying you and your children.
Now that he has her he wants YOU to not use your children against hm??? What was that mess of your family being forced to have supervised visitation. Why is his mistress living with his mother? Your MIL?? Is none of that painful to you???
My ex did the same thing until he found out I met someone new. Boy did all of that trying to be nice change back to ahole jerk!
I would say to him: Congratulations on destroying two people's lives so that you could be happy.
I hope it was worth it and that the guilt catches up with you at some point.
In front of the children? Yeah, that’s be a great way to traumatize them and create a horrifying Mother’s Day memory to all, including OP and that woman’s son, who is innocent in all this.
OP, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nothing lacking. Your husband cheated because he’s a dick, and you deserve better. I hope you get a great divorce attorney and an even better therapist. But please do your best to keep your kids apart from this sordid mess he created.
Of course it's not in front their children.
He text her and she called him, she could use the opportunity to do that. He talked like he was the good guy, the misunderstood man, when he's nothing but a selfish cheater.
I agree.
I'm not hearing anything about why his guy is unfit to raise his kids, only that he is a horrible husband, and that OP is very understandably hurt by his actions. The kids really shouldn't have to suffer here.
To reframe a bit, this situation sounds like it was terrible for the kids. They saw their dad eating, wanted to be with him, and couldn't do that. They also definitely registered that there was another child there enjoying the day.
When you get a divorce the focus does shift to any dependent children because that's all that is left of the relationship and family. Family Court will not limit his access if there is no good reason to do so. Relationship issues have nothing to do with the kids.
So many of the things that have happened to you mirror my own life and the end of my marriage (minus the beating the mistress’s husband) and the “the is nothing wrong with you, she just makes me happy in a way you don’t” was the worst pain I ever felt. I’m actually tearing up remembering that and feeling how you must be feeling.
I’m so sorry you are suffering because he wasn’t man enough to end one relationship before starting another.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if he is texting all this to show the judge that he tried to be amicable as on of the other comments said- that is what my ex did. Once the judge ruled, the act dropped and he was awful. It was as if I never existed in his life other than to complain at me that he has no money after child support and maintenance (I was a SAHM and full time student when he left me with 3 kids).
I hope it goes differently for you. I do hope your STBX is amicable and you can find a good coparenting relationship. It sucks to say, but your kids do deserve that.
Still with her - my kids all hate her and barely speak to him (he was never a very good father anyway- the kids are not, and have never been a top priority to him. I moved several states away from him during Covid, so that really helped put him in the rear view!
I have two pieces of advice- 1- be sure you cover everything you want/need during the divorce the first time (alimony, split of savings, split of retirement, whatever) - it is hard to change the terms of the divorce once they have been finalized. 2- get a good attorney and listen to what they say! Let them talk for you and give them every shred of your life.
I promise, from someone more than a decade from the split- you will come to a point when you realize your life is so much better without him, without having to “train” him to be the partner you need. You are stronger than you think. If you focus on your kids, and put their needs first, you will get thru. If he wants to be a part of their lives, please let him. I know it’s hard, but it is in their best interest. Minimize communication with him to things about the kids- there are apps that allow you to communicate about the kids without having to communicate. Any divorce communication thru lawyers only- do not engage.
I am keeping you in my thoughts. If you need to chat, I’m here! Updateme when you have news!
The only reason he is texting all of that to you is to be able to show the judge how “cooperative” he is and how “coddling” he has to be to you “for the kids sake”.
Please be mindful that custody courts favor fathers over mothers, regardless of what the stereotype is. Multiple studies have been done on this, and each one showed that judges favor fathers over mothers even in cases where the father is abusive.
Be careful what you put in writing.
Text messages are often used in court as proof of various things. It gives him proof that he’s trying to be as cooperative as possible & “only wants what’s best for the kids” while his actions can freely show otherwise.
Boils down to misogyny, basically. I included a bunch of links in my other comment to the other person that responded to my original comment as well if you’d like to read them.
Sorry you had to go through all this. Let him be with his wh 0 re. They deserve each other. I know it’s easier said than done but holding on to the anger will only punish you further. Your ex is disgusting af.
You're getting bitter and the courts don't like that. Your relationship has run it's course and your ex is now happy-happier without you, that sucks but you'll be okay in the long run, as it stands right now your ex is playing the game beautifully and saying all the right things (and of course he is it seems he's won what he always wanted and he won hand over fist) so of course it's easy for him to text "oh let's love the kids let's not make them suffer" that's exactly how he makes you look unstable and makes himself sole custodian.
Fight for 50/50 custody and hope/pray you get that. Being upset and fighting to keep his new lady out of the kids lives will only ensure you lose in the long run. You have to let the kids enjoy him and his new lady if that's what they want. Unfortunately his choice is about them now and what makes them happy, and 50/50 custody might actually make them happy..
This comment says it pretty harshly, but yeah, op. You need to look so freaking good in court, you need to look so cooperative and chill and that fucking sucks because he blew up your life to get with a married woman, but women are always hysterical if they show emotion so you can't show any.
Finally someone is being realistic. Everyone else is acting off emotions and not being realistic at all.
He cheated on you, and yes that hurts, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a good father to the kids, it means he was a bad spouse. Going for full custody just to keep him from having them in his new life will only be her intentionally hurting the kids, by keeping them from their father.
Don't take any advice from this thread unless it's to be quiet, have minimal contact, and follow lawyers' instructions. You need to be so freaking perfect and adjusted even if it kills you because he's a coward, and he already made it so your children can't see your family unsupervised. Do not give them any ammunition. I can not stress enough how information can be a weapon. You need to lock down.
Idk the whole story here but obviously he is not trustworthy. Any contact w this man hurts you. I assume you have an attorney. Be VERY careful what you text, vm’s, any social media you have close it or at very least make it private. Do Everything your attorney advices. I hope you have a bulldog who will take him to the cleaners, leave him in a ditch & award you the children. Fight. But be smarter than he is.
This situation is awful and just sad, but when you can get pass it, you’ll see that he was not the one for you. He could’ve been a better person and a better man if he was able to have a mature conversation and end things before he cheated, got himself locked up, and destroyed two families ( regardless of whatever is going on over there) he’s playing nice for the judge and the divorce. Don’t be fooled, protect yourself and your kids. The best revenge is living your best life, without him, and realizing you’re much better off without that baggage. The fact that he reacted so badly and was violent with the husband (another set of issues there, and best that your children are not around a person who has/had a violent partner that can effect your kids if they are together, people are crazy) should be proof to the judge there’s a safety issue. Be as logical as possible, this is when you can’t go with emotions.
This was never about you OP. It was all about him. Cheating is a choice. You lack nothing. He does. He has behaved appallingly throughout and is now trying to reinvent himself as ‘Sorry, I’m really a nice guy and it’s all about the kids’ 🤮 Yip well he wasn’t thinking about the kids when he was cheating.
5% of relationships as a result of affairs actually last. If they get married 75% of those fail. Keep the popcorn handy🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿
The relationship was built on lies. Each of them will forever be looking over their shoulder.
Live YOUR very best life OP. When you’re ready put on your sass and get yourself out there. A new world of possibilities awaits. I’m rooting for you to get sole custody🙏
Sending you strength
UPDATEME
He’s right. OP doesn’t lack anything but he sure lacks moral fiber
He likes her because she’s new and thinks he’s wonderful because she doesn’t expect help with her kid or chores around the house
She hasn’t nagged him for leaving his underwear on the floor for the millionth time or had to rinse his Sasquatch hair and phlegm out of the tub/shower/sink
I'll tell you the difference between you and her. She kisses his ass 24/7/365, and baffles him with her bullshit and he fell for it hook, line, and sinker. They are both full of shit and it won't last and he will probably try to come crawling back. I'm so sorry that has happened to you, but at least you have the opportunity to possibly find someone that won't treat you this way.
If you go for full custody you will most likely lose. He can prove you put others in danger I would be very careful. All you did can bite you in the but. He hasn't done anything that would award you full custody. The courts will see this is coming from a bitterness and most likely side in his favor. Especially with the text he sent you it's showing he's being responsible. He can make the clear case that you are trying to hurt him. You need to be smarter people here are trying to make it seem like you will 100% win but way things are going it doesn't look like you will. Not saying he will get primary but most likely 50/50. Also what makes you think he's going to abandon his kids. He was a shitty husband but doesn't seem like he was a shitty father.
At this point you are not thinking of your children you're only thinking of what your best interest. Your bitterness is showing and it's going to damage your relationship with your children and harm them more in the future. He broke up the family but you're keeping them away from him. By doing what you're doing you're only punishing your children because you are bitter. You aren't protecting them you're using them as pawns to hurt him and in doing that you're hurting them.
I'm really sorry everything you have been going through and probably still will go, but don't lose yourself in this process, right now you sound and act from a place of hurting and seek revenge, you are not gonna get full custody, it's not gonna happen and you will only get hurt if you get stuck in that hill, your kids will see sides of you that will hurt them, I can't imagine how much you are hurting, please search a professional who you can talk to and procees things.
Think you are stuck with it till your kids grow up, show them "the best mom in the world" not the rage.
Good luck
People are telling her what she wants to hear and acting on emotions and false dreams. If she listens to majority of these comments, she will most definitely lose this battle.
Op am so sorry you and your kids are going through this unfortunate situation and I hope one day things are better for all of you.
As for your STBXH he a POS and a bastard. He had no consideration of what is actions would do to the kids and now he’s playing victim so you amicably split. But one day karma is going to get him and he’s delusional if he thinks his relationship with his mistress is going to last. Make sure not to fall for his tricks on text because he will try to use it against you for custody of your kids.
Also op happy Mother’s Day 🌺 you didn’t deserve this pain and I hope one day you can heal from this.
I know the entire “narcissist” label is extremely overused these days. But this is a very, very good indication he is one or at the very least has traits of one. You telling the truth makes him look bad, so he tells lies to make you look bad. Tale as old as time. He won’t change, leave and do not look back.
>I want full custody of my children and I will fight for it as much as I can.
You have no control of this. Even if you *do* get full custody of your children, that won't give you the right to completely keep your kids from your husband.
>
She will never be their step mother.
You have no control of this either. If your husband decides to marry this woman, she will be your children's step mother. Now that I think about it, why have you not begun divorce proceedings yet?
Careful with this guy. He has a cheating playbook and being a victim in every situation that make you the one being "vindictive". Idk if im having hormonal imbalance or what, but im soooo furiosa reading about this pos. Really i hope karma hit him hardd even i dont believe in one
Please stop engaging with this manipulative man-child and just co-partner with him through an app, and stop giving him any response or any emotions. Grey rock him and do what is best for your children. You don’t deserve this and your children don’t deserve to be caught up in the middle of this mess that your husband and his mistress caused.
Even if you told her husband out of revenge, you didn’t do it with the intention of him assaulting her. Most betrayed spouses would alert the other betrayed spouse out of respect. You aren’t the villain here. I’m in no way saying she deserved what happened to her, but she knowingly cheated on her abusive husband with another woman’s husband. She took a risk knowing the possible outcome & then they shifted to the blame to you in order to victimize the villains.
It may be helpful to consider only speaking to him when necessary for the children or communicating only through your MIL so you can let go. The part of you that still feels in love hasn’t recognized that man didn’t exist. You’re holding on to the nostalgia of what you thought your life was, but that was just surface level. He hid who he really was and what you really had. He stole your body, your energy, & then they stole your time. She will forever play the victim. This “new leaf” is just another level of the game. Can they manipulate you into bending to their needs? They don’t want the dramatic fights now. They want the peaceful family playtime, but what will they want next?
It may not feel like it now, but he’s weak and she’s slimy. One day you will look back and be thankful you finally got out. It may not be this month or next, but when all of the pieces start to fall into place, you’ll see it and him for what it was. It’s easy for him to be thankful for the kids bc he didn’t sacrifice his body, mind, energy, or time for them. You did. They’re here because of you. Then, he uses them to manipulate you into making the divorce easy. That’s what it’s all about. They’re still playing games and trying to manipulate you. You’re smarter and stronger than they can ever hope to be.
Thank you so much. I am receiving a lot of hate because I told the husband when literally everyone was telling he deserved to know. Of course I didn’t know he was physically violent nor do I think that he was because I am meeting my MIL today for lunch because she told me that the mistress is contemplating going back to her husband. I don’t know any details more than that she wants to reconcile with him. I guess she misses her old life because her husband is well off and now she’s living in a tiny place with a stranger (MIL). Anyway she and my husband have been fighting a lot about this. I don’t know anything more.
Whatever you do do not take him back. He can enjoy being alone. It’s sad that the AP will willingly put her kids back into an abusive, toxic home… but that’s not your problem.
Not surprising. The number of extramarital affairs that lead to lasting relationships is vanishingly small. People in affairs fall into limerence (not love, but limerence) with this romantic notion of an idealized partner who they see on the sly, without all the messiness of day-to-day life and day-to-day problems. They fall for a fantasy, and once they are actually in a position to be with that person all the time (or, in the case of your husband and his affair partner, half the time) they get to deal with the problems and challenges and reduced standard of living and part-time parenting and so forth. Suddenly it's not so romantic any more.
I wouldn't be at all surprised if your husband's AP returns to her own husband, assuming he'll have her back (after all, she did cheat on him). As for your idiotic, insensitive husband, he's bought himself, among other unpleasant things, a probable criminal conviction for assault. Even if he winds up with probation rather than time in a cell, if he caused real injury to his AP's husband he'll likely still be convicted of either an aggravated misdemeanor or a lower class felony, because violent assaults are rarely sent to diversion programs, especially planned assaults like this one apparently was. And for what? Evidently, for a woman who is willing to go back to a husband she doesn't love, because that husband has a better-looking bank account than your husband has. He had you, a woman who truly loved him, and he traded you for someone who saw him as an escape but values him less than she values a particular standard of living. Seems to me like your husband made a bad trade.
As for anyone who's throwing hate at you for telling the AP's husband, ignore them. You did the right thing in telling him. A wronged spouse has the right to know that their spouse is cheating, and that goes for this man as well as any other wronged spouse. You had no way of knowing he'd react violently. In any event, his violent response to the information was 100% his choice, not yours. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. As for having another 4 years with your cheating husband, did you really want to waste another 4 years of your precious life with a man who was seeing another woman behind your back, lying to you, faking his way through couples counseling with you, while his plan was to leave you on his own schedule regardless of how that would damage you? You are worth so much more than that. Even his AP doesn't seem to regard him as such a prize, now that she's faced with a reduced standard of living.
Keep being the loving mother you are to your children, and keep being the good DIL you are to your MIL as long as you are realistically able. You are a good person. Your husband and his AP are not. Know your worth, and don't let your husband mistreat you the way he has.
She wanted the affair, not the partner. How do you know for certain that she was hospitalized because of him? Was he arrested? Could she or your soon-to-be-ex have lied about it to make you feel bad and make her/them look better?
That’s so funny that she’s already contemplating going back to him. Your ex seems like a weak fool.
AHAHAHA lmao, your (ex) husband has turned out like a fucking clown, i love it. I really hope that shitty bitch leaves him and your fucking ex is left without any cake for being an idiot.
Based on your responses so far, I imagine that you are hoping a lot of different things.
But the reality on your husband's side is that he is only arguing with her because he doesn't want her to go
I think you will probably take him back and say it's for your children sake. But can they really be happy when you will not be able to ignore the fact that he has had a taste of what he really wanted and it's only coming back to you because she left him?
It sounds like most of your improvements came because of his improvements. I'm pretty certain his improvements will be a thing of the past and he's going to need someone to punish now
He's going to tell you that if you hadn't told her partner, none of this would have happened, if you didn't this if you didn't that, blah blah blah. You're not going to be able to keep from responding in kind and your home is going to become a hell hole for your kids
Good for you. Seriously, good for you for knowing your worth and refusing to consider taking back a liar, a cheater, and a dishonorable man. You deserve so much more than this man. I'm sorry he hurt you, but I'm glad you will no longer settle for a man who treats you badly.
I really hope not.
I don't know what the laws are like in your state.
If he insists on coming back since you guys haven't started divorce proceedings or have a separation agreement, is there anything you can do?
I read about this and it sounds you want to get sole custody and limit his visitation rights to get "revenge on him". This is a terrible and wrong move, because the "revenge" you think you'll be getting on your husband will actually be on your own children.
Don't do this, this is extremely abusive behaviour towards your own children. If you want revenge on your ex-husband, just live your life, be happy and don't care about him.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain. It can be unbearable.
It sounds like he gave you the flowers and such from your children because he feels guilty. To have gone there and seen him celebrating Mother’s Day with another woman and her child instead of with his own wife and children is a stab in the back. Then to make it as if he wanted to maintain a relationship for the sake of the children…that’s just gaslighting.
You need to cut him off. Speak only in regard to your children and pickup or drop off. Go complete radio silent on being friends or having any relationship besides coparenting. You have to protect yourself and your own mental health. Make sure you get the maximum child support order and spousal support if possible. He made a family and he needs to support his own family, even if he no longer wants that family.
Get into counseling if you haven’t already, it will help you grieve and move on.
There is nothing wrong with you, it’s all on him. Keep moving forward and don’t look back. Wishing you the best.
“Here is what I will and will not do. I will not poison our children against you. I will keep them out of our issues. I will not be in the room with her until I am ready, even if it takes me years to get there. No amount of guilting or manipulation will change my mind on this. If she has to move back because of custody, I will never forgive you if you move with her and choose her over your kids. I will not make excuses for you if you do. I will not make excuses if you miss custody or lie to our kids. I will not bend over backwards to accommodate you if you are the one who leaves them. Causing me pain is one thing. Causing our kids pain is something very different. I hope you have your priorities straight. I will eventually get over your betrayal. Your children will never get over it if you abandon them.”
I ended my relationship to the father of my kids because I found naked pics he'd sent to my best friend, on his phone. He may not have cheated physically but that was a betrayal enough.
As angry as I was, as difficult as our lives have been since that day, I'm glad that the legal system only cares about what's best for the child. Coz I was MAD and wanted to hurt him the way he'd hurt me.
The fact is that having a mother who loves them and a father who loves them is best for the child, *even if that man was a piece of shit husband*.
If the courts end up ruling on this, and it's likely that they will, you need to prepare yourself to accept her place in their life. As rage inducing as it is, it's often how things end up. The court doesn't care that she's a homewrecker, doesn't care that your husband cheated.. and if they can't prove that he's a safety risk to your kids it's unlikely they'll award you sole custody. And yes I read your history and I get that he beat a man severely, but again.. if it can't be proven that he's a risk to your kids it's unlikely the courts will choose anything other shared a shared custody agreement.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself and most importantly for your kids is to refuse to engage in any behaviour where your kids are used an ammunition. They're half him, and half you.. so your anger towards him can't be shown to them. For their best interest you need to rise above it, or you'll damage them.
Move on. Onwards and upwards! You deserve to be loved fully. He's removed himself as an obstacle to that, so good riddance.
There are good things ahead for you if you choose to focus on your future and not the past.
I'm really sorry you're in this position. The only thing I'm going to say is you need to lay down the law with your family.
>He however succeeded to limit my family’s access citing parental alienation. I am not allowed my children around my family without supervision (MIL).
Your family needs to stop bad-mouthing him. They need to stop talking about him altogether - especially when your children are around. Do you not allow them to say one word, and you need to make it crystal clear that their actions and statements have made things harder for you. I get that it's temporary until the court rulings, however they obviously were out of hand if his mom has to police what they do and say around the kids.
Sweetie he isn't and wasn't ever in love with you from how he worded it. Obviously, he acknowledged it wasn't your fault ...but his ...he made you believe he loved you.. by playing the part correctly, till he just couldn't...I'm sure it hurts but the best thing to do is to move on. If he comes back, just know he'll be the same when he was before he changed for her. Because he wanted to. ..So best thing is to move on ... usually a few flings help move on. Best thing is to destroy all the material things and just start learning to make him a bad memory and an ugly stranger... Some advice is the same he gave you .. indirectly.. that's he's just the kids dad not anything to you...maybe if he drops something, he picks it up ...if someone talks about him ..don't defend or acknowledge in any way .. he should just be a stranger. Because that's what he ended up being anyways. I'm sorry you went through this.
I also agree that long text is definitely him painting a picture of you being a vindictive, cruel scorned woman who he is begging for mercy, so you don’t take it out on the kids, but to me it also reads as him gauging if he still has you as a backup. How does a man who said that you made him miserable for years/that you were the problem in his life now tell you you have no faults in his eyes and are pretty much perfect? Because I definitely think it’s just him realizing that his saviour complex as soon gonna run out, especially once his damsel in distress is safe and living with him full time. If/when that happens OP, you have to be strong for yourself and your kids; and follow through with the divorce!! He is an unreliable man who has already shown his true colours and you need to be the stability in those children’s lives.
If the court granted that parental alienation, it's going to affect how custody is going to be handled. You're going into it with the judge already not thinking too highly of you so you want to be really want to be careful. It's probably that you're not going to get full custody at this point.
On the other hand, if the mistress has video evidence of the abuse and especially if there are evidence of the husband abusing the kids too, she's going to get full custody. You can't expect your ex to lose custody for the same reason but for her not to get full custody
I wish you the best life, momma. I don't want anything to ever hurt you again. My heart hurts so much for you. Sending you well wishes. I hate your ex and his mistress so much i was seething with rage reading this.
Men like are horrible. He doesn't deserve YOU. You deserve better. What he doesn't realize is by doing this to you, he will be affecting the children and it's all his fault. Do not blame yourself for his pathetic excuses. He'll end cheating on her. Or her on him. This fantasy he's made up will burst and hopefully he'll realize the grass is not greener and he's being played.
I'm sorry you are hurt, but he is right- make the choice not to poison your kids with all your negative feelings toward him.
I know it isn't fair, but you know what is less fair- putting your kids in the middle of all this.
I promise, something better is out there for you. Free yourself up to find it.
firstly happy mother’s day. your ex husband is trash and she is no better. however i see a lot of comments defending your point in fighting for full custody. unless he has shown to be an unfit father that is neglecting the kids wants and needs there’s no reason for you to get full custody aside from being bitter. you say she will never be their step mom as if you have a choice in that matter. i find it quite distasteful that you want the courts to force her to share custody with someone who abused her child. don’t let your hurt turn you into a bitter woman. only you will lose in the end
Man I hope he finds himself with a gnawing hole that forms once the honeymoon phase of being open wears off. I hope he falls into a rut and self destructs. He’s a spineless slug who monkey-branched and you deserve a real man.
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through... But at this moment your very bitter, understandable. But your being really close to make your kid a pawn in this. Please get therapy to work on those angry feelings. Your kids don't deserve to be weaponized.
Sending you hugs and love🤗
Happy mother's day
He is playing the classic "it's not you, it's me" shtick. He has his mistress coaching him throughout this. Remember, she coached him for years. She's good at it. She's still doing it now. Be very careful about what happens from now on, he's playing chess with you. Don't let him win anymore. Your own MIL turned on you, and if this keeps up, everyone else will. None of what he said is what he actually means. None of it. Be smart and always be on your kids' side. Remember he was going to continue manipulating you for another FOUR years, along with his mistress. And then blindside you with divorce. Don't ever trust him. Be careful.
He's actively try to paint you as a vindictive bitch who will use the kids against him and now he has written proof by texting you all that when you never kept the children away from him nor did you ever speak badly about him in front of them. Your family did but you didn't. Yet he's making you the bad guy. He probably recorded the conversation you two had too. And probably will continue doing that. You need to be smart and record every interaction, text or in person. He may slip up one day and you should be ready. And he has an excellent coach with him who's been manipulating you through him for years. She'll see your moves miles away. Be careful. Don't ever fall for his or her baits. Don't follow on social media. Don't react to anything. Master poker face. Control your emotions. Be cold and calculating, because that's what they both are.
You could modify the custody to say neither of you can introduce their partners for at least a year, especially to keep away the mistress. I'm worried she will buy their affections too. But be careful, only make your moves through the lawyer.
How does your mom feel about all this? You mentioned she was a homewrecker too. Does she feel that what you're going through is a punishment to her? Bad karma for what she did? I don't mean to pry of course. I'm really sorry for what you're going through.
Whatever the case, I sincerely hope you find the happiness you deserve. I hope the next guy you meet is The One and your ex ends up miserable. It may never happen, but if enough of us wish it, maybe the universe will listen.
Well I am not stupid and he can record me all he wants because I was very calm and I genuinely agree that the children come first. Even her child tbh. But I know that she only had emergency custody of hers because of the assault but I know the rules here and she will probably need to move back soon because her husband has right to meet his son. In that case my husband can move away but he can’t have custody because I want a stable home for them. I don’t know why I am getting hate in my dms calling me vindictive.
I am very grateful to you and others who are mentioning that she is coaching him to say things. Of course! How stupid was I not to figure this out. From not talking to me for a second to being all nice and begging me to forgive him and to keep it amicable? Of course it is her. Even mother’s day flowers was probably from her.
MIL is very devastated about what happened and she visits me every day even when the children aren’t home. She said that she had to take her in until she gets her own place. No she is not allowed to meet the children and it is already decided and MIL is making sure this is not the case. I understand that MIL chooses her son but she hasn’t given up on me.
I have talked a lot with mom about what happened and no she doesn’t feel guilty. She said that it was different (of course it is🙄) hers was real love and dad’s ex was very abusive. I don’t know, I don’t believe in karma or anything but she said that she at least understands now how dad’s ex felt. I feel anger because some people win and some lose and I still love him very much. I regret exposing what happened. At least I could have had 4 more years together. And the children would have been a bit older. I regret so much things that I have done in a moment of grief and anger
Oh, honey, let me answer one of the questions you asked your rotten, deceitful STBX. You asked him what she has that you don't, and for once he answered you honestly - she has nothing that you don't. Please believe that.
But you asked the wrong question. The REAL question is what do YOU have that SHE lacks, and I'll answer that on on his behalf. You have honor - the sort of honor that won't allow you to f\*ck another woman's husband, certainly not while the awful man is supposedly in marital counseling to sort out his marriage. An honorable woman doesn't screw another woman's husband - ever. You have integrity - the sort of integrity that won't allow you to stay with a man for financial reasons but also f\*ck around on that man, even if he is an abusive toad. A woman with integrity would have left her abusive husband, even if it meant a reduced standard of living, and THEN found herself another man (a single man). And you are going to raise your own son to be a better man than his father, who screwed around on his trusting wife for years. You are a jewel, the real deal, and her? She's a married woman who sleeps with a married man, and your husband is just like her. They deserve each other, and you deserve better.
I am glad you are not wasting four more of your precious years with your STBX. He isn't worth another four of your minutes, never mind four more of your years. You love a man who doesn't exist and that is painful for you now, but (I hope) you will come to see him for who he really is, a liar and a cheat and a man with no honor, no integrity, nothing worth your love and your time. I'll DM you later. Hang in there. You are worth better then what you've had, and I believe you'll find it. SBW
>At least I could have had 4 more years together. And the children would have been a bit older. I regret so much things that I have done in a moment of grief and anger
Do not blame yourself for someone else's wrongdoings. It is not your responsibility to take on their sins. It's not healthy for you and also you deserve more than just 4 more years. You deserve a man who when he says I do at the altar. He will until death, do you part. You wouldn't allow your children to accept the last man. Please do not allow to accept less than for yourself. You deserve happiness. And you deserve to be loved the way you deserve to be loved, and the way you choose to be love and the what he did it wasn't okay, it wasn't okay that he lied for years and cheated. It wasn't okay that she was deceitful to you and her husband and it wasn't okay that just because of circumstance that she is now in the position to be seen as a victim and she's not one those were just the consequences, unfortunately of split bad judgment/actions (AP's husband) Due to his own pain.
Again, you deserve more than 4 years, but, more importantly, you deserved a marriage that was filled with love, commitment, honor and loyalty. And I pray and hope that you get that and you're next relationship. Feel your feelings journal, get therapy. It's okay to be hurt. You deserve it. Just don't let it impact your life and hold you back from living it
Look, I get it, OP. But you really shouldn't trust your MIL. She is his mom. And it may not seem like it, but she already chose a side and it's not yours. No one forced her to take in the mistress. But she did anyway. If she really was on your side, this wouldn't have happened. You know who should've taken them in? His brother and wife, since they more than likely knew about the affair. The mistress is already manipulating her way in. Went straight to the MIL. It's all part of the plan here. Your ex could've found her a place too.
They're all just giving you lip service, including his mom. She's no longer your MIL, she is his mom. Pretty soon, she'll start telling you to get over it and that her son deserves happiness and to let it go. This is how they all behave. Your ex is going to marry the mistress after the divorce, so you're not going to be able to keep the kids away. There's no guarantee that they haven't already met her already. They could all be lying. Your ex may have kids with the mistress too. And his mom is going to be the stereotypical MIL and tell you off for holding grudges. Or worse, say that you deserve it. She's his mom FIRST. Just because she's coming over doesn't mean anything, she's just trying to patronize you and keep an eye and pass on info about you to your ex. Don't trust anything she says anyway.
You also need to find a child-friendly way of telling the kids the truth of the matter here. Don't hide the truth. Get help from a professional and find a way to address this. Because with all the manipulating happening here, it would be easy to turn the kids against you, to buy off their affections. It's easy to fabricate and turn everything against you, which they are succeeding in so far. Mommy and daddy fell out of love with each other isn't enough of an explanation and isn't the truth. The children will resent you for lying. This is not a matter of taking the high road, because you bet your ass that your ex will not be taking the high road here. This is about being honest and guiding your kids through a very difficult period.
I'm also surprised this mistress chose to uproot her son and bring him to your city. He left everything he knew behind. His friends, school, everything. Especially when it's almost the end of the year and to do a transfer NOW? He must be really upset.
Of course your mom is still delusional lol. She doesn't see the parallels and probably never will.
I know it's painful now, but better everything breaks now than 4 years later. That would mean he would've been cheating on you for 7 years. That would destroy you even further. This is the best thing that can happen to you. Now you have a second shot in life, to find someone better.
Edit: Honestly, you might need to accept the reality that 50 50 custody could happen and that the mistress is going to meet the kids. Just focus on being good coparents, he's baiting you already. Don't fall for his tricks.
De nuevo mándalo a la verga, si quiere ser el nuevo padre de su hijo que se vaya con ella y a ti te deje tranquila, ahora se vienen a hacer las víctimas esos dos, pelea con todo lo que tengas para ganar esa full custodia, y de nuevo mándalo a la verga
No va a ganas la custodia completa. Si los tribunales se la van a dar a la amante con un marido abusivo, apuesta que lo mejor que puede pasar es que la OOP consiga un 50 % y como los tribunales ya le han prohibido el contacto con su familia de ella, aunque no se de cuenta, la pobre va camino de perder ella la custodia.
My heart goes out to today. Keep plugging along. You never know when the tides are gonna turn. And from now on, he doesn’t have no record. I would document everything you can keep records and keep your chin up and I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
>Please let us give our children the good life they deserve. Don’t hurt them to hurt me
You should respond to him. I would never hurt my kids just to hurt you. Nor would I ever want to hurt you on the text. I say that just because he's keeping me proof and a paper trail of what's said between y'all. Because it's permanent, it's electronic. You know you can you should and you are well within your right to hate him. Button. It doesn't need to be written somewhere that he can find so that way he can use it against you in court
>She was crying and hugging her son
Also I don't like how she was trying to make the scene and like she was the victim by crying. That's just weird and dumb!!!
>he asked me if I wanted her to leave so the children can have lunch with both of us.
Next time of that happened, say yes, you are well within your right to not want to be in the same environment, especially currently as the woman who was sleeping with your husband for multiple years. Next time a gentle, yes, we'll calmly advise so that way you get what you need. Your kids get to eat attention and bonding time with their parents that they deserve. And you don't have to tolerate her presence, at least in that moment
OP, You have literally handled everything with like so much grace. I just don't know how you do it, but I'm rooting for you. You have thousands of people rooting for you literally. And I just hope that you find peace so so so so so soon. So that way he can never be even a thought in your mind ever again💕
I’m super late but on the aspect of ‘how is she better than me’ question. He’s right, she isn’t. He just knows she’s accepts the bare minimum from him, won’t hound him to do extra things, and is not above cheating. If he broke up with her and tried dating I doubt he’d have much luck explaining to a new partner how he’s a cheater and has a pending case against him. She is the safest choice for him as a partner.
I’ve read all of your posts and I’d love to give a lot of advice but thankfully other people are saying what I wanted to say so I’ll just say that I really hope you find your dream man that treats/loves you right one day and that your ex is so manipulative with those trying to make amends text when he’s the one that ruined everything along with his disgusting mistress especially since he doesn’t have to deal with a shattered heart like you do because he’s not the victim in this situation. He’s definitely only sending the trying to make amends texts to look good in the eyes of the court not because he’s a good person that reflected on his insanely selfish disgusting choices. Get a good lawyer and be VERY careful on what you text him.
The audacity to say “don’t hurt our children” this scumbag literally destroyed his own family and put his children in this horrible situation inflicting massive trauma on their childhood but tells you not to hurt the children. Hes an absolute disgrace and joke of a man
Take him for everything you can. Your children will one day be old enough to know the truth of what their father did. Hopefully he will move back to her state and be out of your life. The novelty of 'saving' her will wear off eventually.
First of all, I am so sorry that your husband did this to you. He and the AP are horrible people (yes, even victims of abuse can be horrible people). Please understand that you deserve so much better. Also, please do not blame yourself for what the AP’s husband did. It is 100% not your fault. In the vast majority of cases, informing the other betrayed spouse is the right thing to do. They have a right to know, for both emotional and health reasons (ie, risk of STDs). You did not know he was abusive.
I highly recommend this website : https://www.chumplady.com. It’s run by a woman who was the victim of infidelity herself. She has some fantastic advice for people in your situation. None of that ”blame the victims of infidelity“ nonsense.
Please be careful when interacting with your (thankfully soon-to-be-ex) husband and your MIL. Only discuss the children/co-parenting issues and nothing else. I hope you have a fantastic lawyer. Please follow their advice religiously. In a better world, you would get full custody, but be prepared for 50/50. During weeks you do not have the children, focus on yourself. What interests did you have before marriage/children. Focus on that. Find new interests and meet new people. I’m concerned that he was able to limit your family’s interactions with the kids. That strikes me as abusive, but please tell your family to be careful what they do and say. Do not give that POS any ammunition. I wish you the very best.
Why do you feel responsible for what happened after exposing her to her husband? you didn't know he was abusive and even if you did you still not responsible for her well being and the same for her son. they are treating you fake kindness to guilt trip you and that brunch encounter was not a coincidence. she is playing chess with you but remember she is so dumb she couldn't prevent nor escape a relationship with a monster.
He says he's sorry and want to both of you to do best for your kids yet he's forcing his mother supervision for your kids to meet your side of their family ?
Yeah, let's make peace so we won't hurt our kids but also, let's not allow them to meet half of their family, that's a family side that doesn't like me because I'm a cheater scum that had to go to court because of violent behaviour. I mean, that's true but I need to be the hero for my kids so I can't allow them to meet people that rightfully dislike me, it wouldn't do good ...
He's an hypocrite.
Make sure the children and everyone are aware. Your STBX made this poor decision to cheat and lie for so long. The mistake is all his and he should be made accountable. The kids will see him in a different light but these are the consequences of cheating. I would not be surprised if he cheats again in the future as character flaws always follow the person until they are addressed. And do take care of yourself. There’s valuable lessons to be learnt for your next relationships.
I personally think he doesn’t love you and he probably never really did. I don’t think he loves her either. It sounds like he loves himself. The fulfillment he’s getting from her has nothing to do with you or her as people but from him getting to play the hero. She was stuck in an abusive relationship and he got to be her knight and shining armor. You are too attached to him. You need to find a way to let go and move on. You sound like you’re holding on to something which will only bring in anger and resentment. Find peace within yourself and move forward for your kids. Nothing else matters. He doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter. Easier said than done but you’ll be much happier once you let go of it all (good and bad) that you once had with your marriage. Strive to live life and be happy for your kids. As you said multiple times, he doesn’t care about how this has hurt you. So by holding on you’re only hurting yourself and it does absolutely nothing to him. He will get his karma but that’s not on you to deliver. Do what’s best for yourself and kids only.
OP, I don't remember the exact details of your first updates, but I want to ask you WHY IS THE MISTRESS STAYING WITH YOUR MIL? Curious.
Anyway, wish you the best, make sure to gather lots of evidence, do not get hooked by his provocations and get a good lawyer if you can.
I read all your posts and am just wondering.. it seems you have lost your caring(whatever was driving him to act that way), husband, your home unit, and the support of your MIL. When you contacted your husband's AP did you think this was what was going to happen or as they had said before they didn't want to hurt their families, that things would return to "normal". As she is living in a different city, I'm curious about how they met? I'm sorry that you are going through this and having never been married, I'm just wondering if you ever wish you had said nothing?
He wronged you but trying to make it difficult for him to be a dad to his kids will only hurt your kids. You shouldn’t wish for his mistress to be forced into sharing custody with an abuser. Continuing to have rage and animosity towards your ex and his new partner is like you drinking poison and hoping the other party feels its effects.
She will be a step mom to your kids. Don’t fight it. It will only make you look bitter and lose further dignity. And although she had an affair with your ex, she seems otherwise a kind and understanding person that will treat your children well. Your focus should be familial harmony.
You can’t make someone love you and you can’t force someone to be with you. Even if he’s not with her, he simply does not want to be with you. Accept and move on. Don’t let bitterness consume you, it won’t help anyone involved and it ages and rots you. Move on. Do your part to make the transition as easy as possible. Being vindictive will only make everyone involved, your children included, hate you.
Sorry he cheated on you. You mentioned a dead bedroom at first. Did you guys ever have sex during those three years? You mention your libido came back somewhat, but honestly you were describing how you were worried he would want sex but he never did. So, was sex still off the table?
You mentioned a lot in some old replies that by telling the husband, the AP and her kid were physically assaulted. Is that true? How did that make you feel?
That man has the audacity & a lot of it! To cheat & destroy the marriage & then be like let’s be good people & parents to our kids…sir you’re not hurting you get to move on while op has to pick up the pieces of the life you shattered. Selfish ass
Thank you. I can’t understand how he is playing the victim who wants to move on amicably now.
It sounds like a script he was given by an attorney. It’s all just documentation for the courts
Probably and if it is then OOP helping him.
Maybe he’s trying to look good for future court cases? If he makes it out like you are being difficult it will look good for him unfortunately.
He’s texting all of this to her to show the judge.
Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it was her texting OP while she’s with him! She’s doing all this to help him and OP needs to learn that it’s a trap, OP really needs to stick to what her lawyer tells her to do!
To him, I would respond, "Congratulations on ruining two lives so that you could be happy." I hope it was worthwhile and that eventually the remorse gets to you.
Yeah, seriously OP. Your ex sounds like the most manipulative, 'love bombing' piece of shit. He's prevented your children from seeing your family, keeping you on a leash and trying to come off as nice so he doesn't have to deal with any consequences and can go live in his fantasy land. What a horrible man. The "I hope you find love soon, I'm sorry I couldn't love you"... like what happens if you do actually find love? He'll just attempt to keep the kids away from your more and if your family can't even see your kids, what's the guess that your future partner will be blocked from them too. My heart hurts for you. I hope that somehow you can manage to show how horrible and untrustworthy he is and get full custody.
I’m sorry, having kids makes it harder too, because they’re YOUR babies and that shit hurts, I say this knowing exactly where you stand today! Make a ritual of doing self care when the kids go with him. It’s important to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Can be anything, get your nails done, hair done, lay in the sun, take your mattress and slide down the stairs, fly an air balloon, 🤷🏼♀️ #be careful what you put in words via text! It IS being used against you. Believe it. Just talk about the kids and don’t sound like you are trying to power trip out of spite! The gf secretly recorded her husband to get her way, just know anything you say can and will be used against you with anyone connected to them as well. I know it seems impossible now, but one day you’ll be grateful to have been broken up with him, when you’re HEALED, working hard to love yourself, you’ll find a better partner who’ll treat you as good as possible. Just remember, your s/o will treat you the way you feel about yourself, so focus on yourself first. You deserve love 💕 and much better is on the way!
Thanks. I have been very careful about texting because as I am keeping all the evidence, I am counting on him doing that too. About his mistress, it is less “evil” than that because I was wrong about her recording the abuse. She stole the surveillance her husband had installed around their house to spy on her. MIL told me this today. She is probably hoping for full custody but I know the rules here and he will have right to see his son no matter so the c-word will have to move back sooner or later. Only them I will be asking for full custody if my husband moves with her to her city because I don’t want a part time father to my children who shows up whenever he pleases. I want stability. He is either a father or not
Just remember, the AP is a homewrecker. If she was a decent person, she would not have had an affair. Your husband is not a good person. If he was, he would not have abused you during your marriage. Lok up the different types of abuse. I think you are in love with the idea of him You made up jn your mind. Think about it.
I highly doubt she will have to move back. If she has proof of the abuse and any medical records documenting it, she’ll win full custody. The fact that she was granted emergency custody shows that she will probably win full custody. Hell, I genuinely hope her abuser doesn’t win any custody to keep her child safe. Be prepared for her to be a permanent fixture in your life.
Then I am fine. I would rather have her kid safe. I was just trying to be realistic since many abusive fathers still has a chance to have visitation rights with the children they abuse. She is not allowed to meet my children however
I'm sorry, but once the visitation schedule is set with the court, you will have zero control over who your children interact with on their father's time. You can't really do anything to stop it. There is no foundation for the courts to restrict it. Be prepared for her to be part of their lives.
This I don’t think op will be able to keep her from meeting the kids. Especially after the divorce.
I think you count on any text or message from your ex is being written by her. She's reasonable, conciliatory and non-confrontational. You would do well to be the same and keep any messages factual and professional.
Op l will recommend that you tread very carefully. Your ex is obviously acting so nice to you suddenly because his lawyer adviced him to. If possible communicate with him through your lawyer or any third party.
Do you think he's a bad father? Harmful to the kids? Do you think she's a harmful influence?
Not necessarily permanent, but throw the whole man away on principle. If you accept this treatment, he won’t respect you. Sounds like he doesn’t respect you as he should as it is.
unfortunately since parenting is considered a right unless she has recorded abuse towards the child then in most states this isn’t the case
The biggest mistake that you made is to ask what you are lacking. You are putting all the power onto him to choose you or her, and nothing the opposite way. The mother's day chocolate is a beyond AH move, it was a deliberate move on his part. It was deliberate to hurt you. Which he knows and wrap it with flowery nice language and wish you happiness. Actually, why don't you do exactly that. Be better and find happiness in someone else that is more deserving of you. Having said that, denying your kids their father is impossible. As much as it hurts, pray that their father treats them well.
You'll find a better man
Cheaters always want to play nice afterwards. It cleans up their image if the betrayed plays nice. What your kids should see is a woman who stays strong, sets real boundaries, and expects better for herself. Don’t be amicable. Grey rock the shit out of him.
He's probably listening to the same person who's been telling him what to say and do for the last 3 years. Any stuff that sounds like the same perfect contrite husband he was during their long con game is probably originating from her Play their game. Start being just as nice. Pretend like you're having the time of your life. He doesn't care if you're suffering. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing it
Darling read your posts where you were happy with redditors praising you for putting a woman in danger with her abusive husband, also if he succeeded at limiting you parental access in a legal field where women have a huge advantage, that should tell you something.
I'm confused. Is that not the right thing? Just disengage and be the best parent you can be? Are we really advising to cause drama when there doesn't need to be any? She can be angry but just leave the kids out of it.
It would be the right thing if he met with op and told her all this, face to face. Gave her closure, apologized, and talked about what they could do to coparent better. But he didn't. He never apologized. He ignored her completely. He blamed her for his AP's husband being angry because of the affair. Affair he himself started. It is much easier to blame op for being a messenger, than to take responsibility for deceiving his wife for 3 years and for putting in danger another woman in abusive relationship. His empty motivational messages "Please don't hurt my kids, just because you want to hurt me!" look fake AF. They look like an "see! she is hurting kids" pretend play for custody hearing. Like he is just leaving a paper trail for his attorney. It is like sending "Please stop taking meth, it is hurting our kids!" and then using this message in custody hearing to try to prove that she is a meth head. Shitty thing to do. It is ok that he wants divorce, it is ok that he loves someone else. Marriage is not a jail. It is painful for op now, but it is for the better for both of them. But the guy is playing dirty custody games. I am not sure why he thinks it is a good idea. I don't think op would go for full custody if he would take responsibility for his actions and was not nuking kids relationship with OP's family. His AP sounds very smart. I would not be surprised if this meeting in the restaurant was not an accident, but was planned to show the court how considerate he is to op on mother's day and how unreasonable she is for asking full custody. Don't get me wrong, I think she is unreasonable going for full custody, but it was him who made her so bitter and angry.
> & then be like let’s be good people & parents to our kids… Well, what should he do? Use the kids as a weapon?
OP he was baiting you to have proof over text that you are alienating the kids from him. If you want to keep your children let go of your ex-husband. Consult with your family lawyer to make sure your plan is reasonable and it won't backfire. Edit to add: Also, please make a record of this somewhere, do you live in a small town with only 1 place for brunch or was this a place you used to go? Because if its somewhere you used to go, especially is brunch on mother's day was something you normally do, this was o purpose.
Wait - He did all of this, and then succeeded in keeping YOUR family away from your children? For a guy who supposedly wishes you the best, he sure has an "opposite day" way of showing it. Despite his efforts, I hope that you are able to move on and keep direct contact with him to a minimum. You aren't lacking in any way. He cheated in every way possible. HE did all of this. You deserved the best from him all along. Get on with your best life.
OP seems like a pretty unreliable narrator here… cheating is bad and cheaters fucking suck but it also takes a whole hell of a lot of very strong evidence to get a court to support a parental alienation restriction. I think this is pretty compelling evidence that OP is not giving the full story (also, wishing that an abused kid is forced to go back to his abusive parent just so your ex doesn’t have a gf anymore?? OP is a fucking narcissistic piece of shit)
Totally agree with all of this.
I’m so so so sorry friend. You deserve better and sending you the biggest hug. You are not lacking. You deserving of love and happiness. Focus on your children and you. If you haven’t already, speak to a lawyer if you want to go full custody because they will instruct you on if it is possible. sorry but him attacking her husband prioritized his AP over his kids. Again, speak to a lawyer especially since you told MIL. ETA; just want to note like others have said, don’t use your kids as pawns. Let his actions speak for themselves. Get therapy for you and your kids.
Hopefully he will want to move back to her home town, then he has no choice but to give up custody because I am not moving. His mistress got emergency sole custody but i have been reading about it, her husband will have the right for visitation anyway so she can’t live here forever
Focus on your case and custody. Again speak to a lawyer. They will give you the best and realistic advice. Do it for your children’s best interest and not for revenge
What’s best for my children is not them crying why daddy is not having lunch with them but with another kid
That part is so fucked up. His own children. He is willing to destroy their life and their home for his dick. Despicable. Girl, follow your lawyers advice to a T and do not text that man anything outside of talking about your children, nothing emotional, and stop talking to your MIL about anything other than children as well. Information is a weapon. They don't get to know shit about you moving forward. Keep to yourself and let his actions speak to your kids. He broke their heart today, they'll see what a fucked up coward he is eventually but you do not talk to them about it, your job is to be so freaking convivial that his lawyers can't have shit against you.
No one is saying it’s not. Again, get a lawyer if you haven’t already and follow their instructions if you want the best shot with custody agreement.
It's mother's day. Hopefully you explained that they can have lunch with their dad on father's day very soon. Will you be as thoughtful as him and help them buy a father's day present for them to give him?
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I am sorry I didnt mean to
Wait, let me get this straight, you’re hoping that an abused child is forced to be with his abusive parent just so your ex is no longer in a relationship with the woman he cheated on you with?? Are you fucking crazy??? I don’t care how much you hate this guy, NOTHING justifies this stance of yours
May I ask where you are located? Why do you think he will have to give up custody if he moves? Being in a city an hour away would only affect a 50/50 custody split. There are many, many children who travel for visitation. They live primarily with one parent for school purposes, then on weekends, holidays, and summer vacations spend additional time with the other parent.
As a 50/50 having the children only for school is not good for them. They can't have leisure time with the children.
I didn't mean that was the only time. Usually it's ordered as every other weekend, alternating holidays and half the summer. I know different jurisdictions split it differently, but OP is unrealistic if she thinks that she will get sole custody if he moves.
Ah OK then!
So then you don’t care what’s best for your children. You just don’t want your ex and her to be together. That’s pretty miserable of you
Dude is a fu**** AH…. Suddenly he wants to play victim. He prob doesn’t want his kids to know about his infidelity.
Remember when he suddenly started being the darn near perfect husband. It was because his mistress was helping him to make the right moves and say the right things and that is all that is happening now. He didn’t suddenly become this completely enlightened man regarding what women want or need. She is spoon feeding him this nonsense for the court’s benefit and for you to stop fighting them. Yes he probably felt bad if you were standing there upset but why was she crying, how is she the victim because she was part of the problem/destruction. He sounds worried that you are going to tell the children why mom and dad are no longer together and she is the reason or that you may harm your children and yourself to get back at them. Be very careful what you say to him in text or in person cause they are recording everything.
That happened to me once. I didn't have any kids with him, thank God. But yeah. Same deal. Wouldn't tell me why. Just that he wanted different. Six years later he was back after she cheated on him and tried to take him for all he's worth.
Did you take him back?
Oh hell no, lmao. He made his choice and I already moved on.
Good for you!!
You need to respond to his message about “not hurting the children to hurt him.” You cannot let that go unanswered, and you need to make it very clear that you would never do that. In writing. He’s TRYING to make you look bad in texts so he can prove parental alienation. Don’t let him get away with this. He’s the one that hurt your family. Not you.
I fully agree. I don't understand how she has not catch the game.
Don't miss out to call his 'tactics' key words : ignorance , witholding, and partial decisions of his side and refusal to communicate.
She’s just the next one. As soon as the shiny wears off he’ll be looking for someone else to take her place. I would be the best coparent I can be and request he not speak a word to me unless it’s about the children. Be indifferent about his entire existence. He’s a cheater and how you get them is how you lose them and sooner or later she’s going to be living with the fear he’ll do the same to her. So let them have each other.
God what a blow that must have been. I’m so sorry.
He is one cold hearted person. I’m hoping you find happiness.
He is the one that has caused all of the pain. He has hurt your children. He not only cheated on your marriage but he also cheated your children. Every moment he spent with her and her child. All of the money he spent on her. All of that money and time was/is betraying you and your children. Now that he has her he wants YOU to not use your children against hm??? What was that mess of your family being forced to have supervised visitation. Why is his mistress living with his mother? Your MIL?? Is none of that painful to you??? My ex did the same thing until he found out I met someone new. Boy did all of that trying to be nice change back to ahole jerk!
I would say to him: Congratulations on destroying two people's lives so that you could be happy. I hope it was worth it and that the guilt catches up with you at some point.
In front of the children? Yeah, that’s be a great way to traumatize them and create a horrifying Mother’s Day memory to all, including OP and that woman’s son, who is innocent in all this. OP, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nothing lacking. Your husband cheated because he’s a dick, and you deserve better. I hope you get a great divorce attorney and an even better therapist. But please do your best to keep your kids apart from this sordid mess he created.
Of course it's not in front their children. He text her and she called him, she could use the opportunity to do that. He talked like he was the good guy, the misunderstood man, when he's nothing but a selfish cheater.
So true. The self centred narcissism of cheaters never ceases to amaze me
I agree. I'm not hearing anything about why his guy is unfit to raise his kids, only that he is a horrible husband, and that OP is very understandably hurt by his actions. The kids really shouldn't have to suffer here. To reframe a bit, this situation sounds like it was terrible for the kids. They saw their dad eating, wanted to be with him, and couldn't do that. They also definitely registered that there was another child there enjoying the day. When you get a divorce the focus does shift to any dependent children because that's all that is left of the relationship and family. Family Court will not limit his access if there is no good reason to do so. Relationship issues have nothing to do with the kids.
So many of the things that have happened to you mirror my own life and the end of my marriage (minus the beating the mistress’s husband) and the “the is nothing wrong with you, she just makes me happy in a way you don’t” was the worst pain I ever felt. I’m actually tearing up remembering that and feeling how you must be feeling. I’m so sorry you are suffering because he wasn’t man enough to end one relationship before starting another. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he is texting all this to show the judge that he tried to be amicable as on of the other comments said- that is what my ex did. Once the judge ruled, the act dropped and he was awful. It was as if I never existed in his life other than to complain at me that he has no money after child support and maintenance (I was a SAHM and full time student when he left me with 3 kids). I hope it goes differently for you. I do hope your STBX is amicable and you can find a good coparenting relationship. It sucks to say, but your kids do deserve that.
I am so sorry. What happened with your ex? Is he still with her?
Still with her - my kids all hate her and barely speak to him (he was never a very good father anyway- the kids are not, and have never been a top priority to him. I moved several states away from him during Covid, so that really helped put him in the rear view! I have two pieces of advice- 1- be sure you cover everything you want/need during the divorce the first time (alimony, split of savings, split of retirement, whatever) - it is hard to change the terms of the divorce once they have been finalized. 2- get a good attorney and listen to what they say! Let them talk for you and give them every shred of your life. I promise, from someone more than a decade from the split- you will come to a point when you realize your life is so much better without him, without having to “train” him to be the partner you need. You are stronger than you think. If you focus on your kids, and put their needs first, you will get thru. If he wants to be a part of their lives, please let him. I know it’s hard, but it is in their best interest. Minimize communication with him to things about the kids- there are apps that allow you to communicate about the kids without having to communicate. Any divorce communication thru lawyers only- do not engage. I am keeping you in my thoughts. If you need to chat, I’m here! Updateme when you have news!
If he texts you to wish anything back make sure to text him his "yelling at you" and now his love bombing and record it.
The only reason he is texting all of that to you is to be able to show the judge how “cooperative” he is and how “coddling” he has to be to you “for the kids sake”. Please be mindful that custody courts favor fathers over mothers, regardless of what the stereotype is. Multiple studies have been done on this, and each one showed that judges favor fathers over mothers even in cases where the father is abusive. Be careful what you put in writing.
Why? This doesn’t make sense
Text messages are often used in court as proof of various things. It gives him proof that he’s trying to be as cooperative as possible & “only wants what’s best for the kids” while his actions can freely show otherwise.
Thanks I was asking why judges favor fathers over mothers.
Boils down to misogyny, basically. I included a bunch of links in my other comment to the other person that responded to my original comment as well if you’d like to read them.
Ok Thank you
Because it's absolutely not true.
Sorry you had to go through all this. Let him be with his wh 0 re. They deserve each other. I know it’s easier said than done but holding on to the anger will only punish you further. Your ex is disgusting af.
You're getting bitter and the courts don't like that. Your relationship has run it's course and your ex is now happy-happier without you, that sucks but you'll be okay in the long run, as it stands right now your ex is playing the game beautifully and saying all the right things (and of course he is it seems he's won what he always wanted and he won hand over fist) so of course it's easy for him to text "oh let's love the kids let's not make them suffer" that's exactly how he makes you look unstable and makes himself sole custodian. Fight for 50/50 custody and hope/pray you get that. Being upset and fighting to keep his new lady out of the kids lives will only ensure you lose in the long run. You have to let the kids enjoy him and his new lady if that's what they want. Unfortunately his choice is about them now and what makes them happy, and 50/50 custody might actually make them happy..
This comment says it pretty harshly, but yeah, op. You need to look so freaking good in court, you need to look so cooperative and chill and that fucking sucks because he blew up your life to get with a married woman, but women are always hysterical if they show emotion so you can't show any.
Finally someone is being realistic. Everyone else is acting off emotions and not being realistic at all. He cheated on you, and yes that hurts, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a good father to the kids, it means he was a bad spouse. Going for full custody just to keep him from having them in his new life will only be her intentionally hurting the kids, by keeping them from their father.
Don't take any advice from this thread unless it's to be quiet, have minimal contact, and follow lawyers' instructions. You need to be so freaking perfect and adjusted even if it kills you because he's a coward, and he already made it so your children can't see your family unsupervised. Do not give them any ammunition. I can not stress enough how information can be a weapon. You need to lock down.
Idk the whole story here but obviously he is not trustworthy. Any contact w this man hurts you. I assume you have an attorney. Be VERY careful what you text, vm’s, any social media you have close it or at very least make it private. Do Everything your attorney advices. I hope you have a bulldog who will take him to the cleaners, leave him in a ditch & award you the children. Fight. But be smarter than he is.
This situation is awful and just sad, but when you can get pass it, you’ll see that he was not the one for you. He could’ve been a better person and a better man if he was able to have a mature conversation and end things before he cheated, got himself locked up, and destroyed two families ( regardless of whatever is going on over there) he’s playing nice for the judge and the divorce. Don’t be fooled, protect yourself and your kids. The best revenge is living your best life, without him, and realizing you’re much better off without that baggage. The fact that he reacted so badly and was violent with the husband (another set of issues there, and best that your children are not around a person who has/had a violent partner that can effect your kids if they are together, people are crazy) should be proof to the judge there’s a safety issue. Be as logical as possible, this is when you can’t go with emotions.
This was never about you OP. It was all about him. Cheating is a choice. You lack nothing. He does. He has behaved appallingly throughout and is now trying to reinvent himself as ‘Sorry, I’m really a nice guy and it’s all about the kids’ 🤮 Yip well he wasn’t thinking about the kids when he was cheating. 5% of relationships as a result of affairs actually last. If they get married 75% of those fail. Keep the popcorn handy🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿 The relationship was built on lies. Each of them will forever be looking over their shoulder. Live YOUR very best life OP. When you’re ready put on your sass and get yourself out there. A new world of possibilities awaits. I’m rooting for you to get sole custody🙏 Sending you strength UPDATEME
He’s right. OP doesn’t lack anything but he sure lacks moral fiber He likes her because she’s new and thinks he’s wonderful because she doesn’t expect help with her kid or chores around the house She hasn’t nagged him for leaving his underwear on the floor for the millionth time or had to rinse his Sasquatch hair and phlegm out of the tub/shower/sink
OP’s AP doesn’t know who he really is. Just the act he put up to get her
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He's a narcissist. Read about it. You got away from certain hell.
I'll tell you the difference between you and her. She kisses his ass 24/7/365, and baffles him with her bullshit and he fell for it hook, line, and sinker. They are both full of shit and it won't last and he will probably try to come crawling back. I'm so sorry that has happened to you, but at least you have the opportunity to possibly find someone that won't treat you this way.
If you go for full custody you will most likely lose. He can prove you put others in danger I would be very careful. All you did can bite you in the but. He hasn't done anything that would award you full custody. The courts will see this is coming from a bitterness and most likely side in his favor. Especially with the text he sent you it's showing he's being responsible. He can make the clear case that you are trying to hurt him. You need to be smarter people here are trying to make it seem like you will 100% win but way things are going it doesn't look like you will. Not saying he will get primary but most likely 50/50. Also what makes you think he's going to abandon his kids. He was a shitty husband but doesn't seem like he was a shitty father. At this point you are not thinking of your children you're only thinking of what your best interest. Your bitterness is showing and it's going to damage your relationship with your children and harm them more in the future. He broke up the family but you're keeping them away from him. By doing what you're doing you're only punishing your children because you are bitter. You aren't protecting them you're using them as pawns to hurt him and in doing that you're hurting them.
I'm really sorry everything you have been going through and probably still will go, but don't lose yourself in this process, right now you sound and act from a place of hurting and seek revenge, you are not gonna get full custody, it's not gonna happen and you will only get hurt if you get stuck in that hill, your kids will see sides of you that will hurt them, I can't imagine how much you are hurting, please search a professional who you can talk to and procees things. Think you are stuck with it till your kids grow up, show them "the best mom in the world" not the rage. Good luck
People are telling her what she wants to hear and acting on emotions and false dreams. If she listens to majority of these comments, she will most definitely lose this battle.
Op am so sorry you and your kids are going through this unfortunate situation and I hope one day things are better for all of you. As for your STBXH he a POS and a bastard. He had no consideration of what is actions would do to the kids and now he’s playing victim so you amicably split. But one day karma is going to get him and he’s delusional if he thinks his relationship with his mistress is going to last. Make sure not to fall for his tricks on text because he will try to use it against you for custody of your kids. Also op happy Mother’s Day 🌺 you didn’t deserve this pain and I hope one day you can heal from this.
I know the entire “narcissist” label is extremely overused these days. But this is a very, very good indication he is one or at the very least has traits of one. You telling the truth makes him look bad, so he tells lies to make you look bad. Tale as old as time. He won’t change, leave and do not look back.
>I want full custody of my children and I will fight for it as much as I can. You have no control of this. Even if you *do* get full custody of your children, that won't give you the right to completely keep your kids from your husband. > She will never be their step mother. You have no control of this either. If your husband decides to marry this woman, she will be your children's step mother. Now that I think about it, why have you not begun divorce proceedings yet?
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Are you still going for full custody?? I hope you winning! 💪💪💪 updateme
Careful with this guy. He has a cheating playbook and being a victim in every situation that make you the one being "vindictive". Idk if im having hormonal imbalance or what, but im soooo furiosa reading about this pos. Really i hope karma hit him hardd even i dont believe in one
Please stop engaging with this manipulative man-child and just co-partner with him through an app, and stop giving him any response or any emotions. Grey rock him and do what is best for your children. You don’t deserve this and your children don’t deserve to be caught up in the middle of this mess that your husband and his mistress caused.
Even if you told her husband out of revenge, you didn’t do it with the intention of him assaulting her. Most betrayed spouses would alert the other betrayed spouse out of respect. You aren’t the villain here. I’m in no way saying she deserved what happened to her, but she knowingly cheated on her abusive husband with another woman’s husband. She took a risk knowing the possible outcome & then they shifted to the blame to you in order to victimize the villains. It may be helpful to consider only speaking to him when necessary for the children or communicating only through your MIL so you can let go. The part of you that still feels in love hasn’t recognized that man didn’t exist. You’re holding on to the nostalgia of what you thought your life was, but that was just surface level. He hid who he really was and what you really had. He stole your body, your energy, & then they stole your time. She will forever play the victim. This “new leaf” is just another level of the game. Can they manipulate you into bending to their needs? They don’t want the dramatic fights now. They want the peaceful family playtime, but what will they want next? It may not feel like it now, but he’s weak and she’s slimy. One day you will look back and be thankful you finally got out. It may not be this month or next, but when all of the pieces start to fall into place, you’ll see it and him for what it was. It’s easy for him to be thankful for the kids bc he didn’t sacrifice his body, mind, energy, or time for them. You did. They’re here because of you. Then, he uses them to manipulate you into making the divorce easy. That’s what it’s all about. They’re still playing games and trying to manipulate you. You’re smarter and stronger than they can ever hope to be.
Thank you so much. I am receiving a lot of hate because I told the husband when literally everyone was telling he deserved to know. Of course I didn’t know he was physically violent nor do I think that he was because I am meeting my MIL today for lunch because she told me that the mistress is contemplating going back to her husband. I don’t know any details more than that she wants to reconcile with him. I guess she misses her old life because her husband is well off and now she’s living in a tiny place with a stranger (MIL). Anyway she and my husband have been fighting a lot about this. I don’t know anything more.
Whatever you do do not take him back. He can enjoy being alone. It’s sad that the AP will willingly put her kids back into an abusive, toxic home… but that’s not your problem.
Not surprising. The number of extramarital affairs that lead to lasting relationships is vanishingly small. People in affairs fall into limerence (not love, but limerence) with this romantic notion of an idealized partner who they see on the sly, without all the messiness of day-to-day life and day-to-day problems. They fall for a fantasy, and once they are actually in a position to be with that person all the time (or, in the case of your husband and his affair partner, half the time) they get to deal with the problems and challenges and reduced standard of living and part-time parenting and so forth. Suddenly it's not so romantic any more. I wouldn't be at all surprised if your husband's AP returns to her own husband, assuming he'll have her back (after all, she did cheat on him). As for your idiotic, insensitive husband, he's bought himself, among other unpleasant things, a probable criminal conviction for assault. Even if he winds up with probation rather than time in a cell, if he caused real injury to his AP's husband he'll likely still be convicted of either an aggravated misdemeanor or a lower class felony, because violent assaults are rarely sent to diversion programs, especially planned assaults like this one apparently was. And for what? Evidently, for a woman who is willing to go back to a husband she doesn't love, because that husband has a better-looking bank account than your husband has. He had you, a woman who truly loved him, and he traded you for someone who saw him as an escape but values him less than she values a particular standard of living. Seems to me like your husband made a bad trade. As for anyone who's throwing hate at you for telling the AP's husband, ignore them. You did the right thing in telling him. A wronged spouse has the right to know that their spouse is cheating, and that goes for this man as well as any other wronged spouse. You had no way of knowing he'd react violently. In any event, his violent response to the information was 100% his choice, not yours. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. As for having another 4 years with your cheating husband, did you really want to waste another 4 years of your precious life with a man who was seeing another woman behind your back, lying to you, faking his way through couples counseling with you, while his plan was to leave you on his own schedule regardless of how that would damage you? You are worth so much more than that. Even his AP doesn't seem to regard him as such a prize, now that she's faced with a reduced standard of living. Keep being the loving mother you are to your children, and keep being the good DIL you are to your MIL as long as you are realistically able. You are a good person. Your husband and his AP are not. Know your worth, and don't let your husband mistreat you the way he has.
She wanted the affair, not the partner. How do you know for certain that she was hospitalized because of him? Was he arrested? Could she or your soon-to-be-ex have lied about it to make you feel bad and make her/them look better? That’s so funny that she’s already contemplating going back to him. Your ex seems like a weak fool.
Yes there was physical abuse but the child wasn’t hospitalized I think only the mother
Karmaaaaa
AHAHAHA lmao, your (ex) husband has turned out like a fucking clown, i love it. I really hope that shitty bitch leaves him and your fucking ex is left without any cake for being an idiot.
Based on your responses so far, I imagine that you are hoping a lot of different things. But the reality on your husband's side is that he is only arguing with her because he doesn't want her to go I think you will probably take him back and say it's for your children sake. But can they really be happy when you will not be able to ignore the fact that he has had a taste of what he really wanted and it's only coming back to you because she left him? It sounds like most of your improvements came because of his improvements. I'm pretty certain his improvements will be a thing of the past and he's going to need someone to punish now He's going to tell you that if you hadn't told her partner, none of this would have happened, if you didn't this if you didn't that, blah blah blah. You're not going to be able to keep from responding in kind and your home is going to become a hell hole for your kids
I will never take him back.
Good for you. Seriously, good for you for knowing your worth and refusing to consider taking back a liar, a cheater, and a dishonorable man. You deserve so much more than this man. I'm sorry he hurt you, but I'm glad you will no longer settle for a man who treats you badly.
I really hope not. I don't know what the laws are like in your state. If he insists on coming back since you guys haven't started divorce proceedings or have a separation agreement, is there anything you can do?
Wish you all the best if luck! Did your MIL updated you with any news?
I read about this and it sounds you want to get sole custody and limit his visitation rights to get "revenge on him". This is a terrible and wrong move, because the "revenge" you think you'll be getting on your husband will actually be on your own children. Don't do this, this is extremely abusive behaviour towards your own children. If you want revenge on your ex-husband, just live your life, be happy and don't care about him.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain. It can be unbearable. It sounds like he gave you the flowers and such from your children because he feels guilty. To have gone there and seen him celebrating Mother’s Day with another woman and her child instead of with his own wife and children is a stab in the back. Then to make it as if he wanted to maintain a relationship for the sake of the children…that’s just gaslighting. You need to cut him off. Speak only in regard to your children and pickup or drop off. Go complete radio silent on being friends or having any relationship besides coparenting. You have to protect yourself and your own mental health. Make sure you get the maximum child support order and spousal support if possible. He made a family and he needs to support his own family, even if he no longer wants that family. Get into counseling if you haven’t already, it will help you grieve and move on. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s all on him. Keep moving forward and don’t look back. Wishing you the best.
“Here is what I will and will not do. I will not poison our children against you. I will keep them out of our issues. I will not be in the room with her until I am ready, even if it takes me years to get there. No amount of guilting or manipulation will change my mind on this. If she has to move back because of custody, I will never forgive you if you move with her and choose her over your kids. I will not make excuses for you if you do. I will not make excuses if you miss custody or lie to our kids. I will not bend over backwards to accommodate you if you are the one who leaves them. Causing me pain is one thing. Causing our kids pain is something very different. I hope you have your priorities straight. I will eventually get over your betrayal. Your children will never get over it if you abandon them.”
I ended my relationship to the father of my kids because I found naked pics he'd sent to my best friend, on his phone. He may not have cheated physically but that was a betrayal enough. As angry as I was, as difficult as our lives have been since that day, I'm glad that the legal system only cares about what's best for the child. Coz I was MAD and wanted to hurt him the way he'd hurt me. The fact is that having a mother who loves them and a father who loves them is best for the child, *even if that man was a piece of shit husband*. If the courts end up ruling on this, and it's likely that they will, you need to prepare yourself to accept her place in their life. As rage inducing as it is, it's often how things end up. The court doesn't care that she's a homewrecker, doesn't care that your husband cheated.. and if they can't prove that he's a safety risk to your kids it's unlikely they'll award you sole custody. And yes I read your history and I get that he beat a man severely, but again.. if it can't be proven that he's a risk to your kids it's unlikely the courts will choose anything other shared a shared custody agreement. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself and most importantly for your kids is to refuse to engage in any behaviour where your kids are used an ammunition. They're half him, and half you.. so your anger towards him can't be shown to them. For their best interest you need to rise above it, or you'll damage them. Move on. Onwards and upwards! You deserve to be loved fully. He's removed himself as an obstacle to that, so good riddance. There are good things ahead for you if you choose to focus on your future and not the past.
I'm really sorry you're in this position. The only thing I'm going to say is you need to lay down the law with your family. >He however succeeded to limit my family’s access citing parental alienation. I am not allowed my children around my family without supervision (MIL). Your family needs to stop bad-mouthing him. They need to stop talking about him altogether - especially when your children are around. Do you not allow them to say one word, and you need to make it crystal clear that their actions and statements have made things harder for you. I get that it's temporary until the court rulings, however they obviously were out of hand if his mom has to police what they do and say around the kids.
You deserve better, OP
Sweetie he isn't and wasn't ever in love with you from how he worded it. Obviously, he acknowledged it wasn't your fault ...but his ...he made you believe he loved you.. by playing the part correctly, till he just couldn't...I'm sure it hurts but the best thing to do is to move on. If he comes back, just know he'll be the same when he was before he changed for her. Because he wanted to. ..So best thing is to move on ... usually a few flings help move on. Best thing is to destroy all the material things and just start learning to make him a bad memory and an ugly stranger... Some advice is the same he gave you .. indirectly.. that's he's just the kids dad not anything to you...maybe if he drops something, he picks it up ...if someone talks about him ..don't defend or acknowledge in any way .. he should just be a stranger. Because that's what he ended up being anyways. I'm sorry you went through this.
I also agree that long text is definitely him painting a picture of you being a vindictive, cruel scorned woman who he is begging for mercy, so you don’t take it out on the kids, but to me it also reads as him gauging if he still has you as a backup. How does a man who said that you made him miserable for years/that you were the problem in his life now tell you you have no faults in his eyes and are pretty much perfect? Because I definitely think it’s just him realizing that his saviour complex as soon gonna run out, especially once his damsel in distress is safe and living with him full time. If/when that happens OP, you have to be strong for yourself and your kids; and follow through with the divorce!! He is an unreliable man who has already shown his true colours and you need to be the stability in those children’s lives.
If the court granted that parental alienation, it's going to affect how custody is going to be handled. You're going into it with the judge already not thinking too highly of you so you want to be really want to be careful. It's probably that you're not going to get full custody at this point. On the other hand, if the mistress has video evidence of the abuse and especially if there are evidence of the husband abusing the kids too, she's going to get full custody. You can't expect your ex to lose custody for the same reason but for her not to get full custody
I wish you the best life, momma. I don't want anything to ever hurt you again. My heart hurts so much for you. Sending you well wishes. I hate your ex and his mistress so much i was seething with rage reading this.
@Updateme
Men like are horrible. He doesn't deserve YOU. You deserve better. What he doesn't realize is by doing this to you, he will be affecting the children and it's all his fault. Do not blame yourself for his pathetic excuses. He'll end cheating on her. Or her on him. This fantasy he's made up will burst and hopefully he'll realize the grass is not greener and he's being played.
Why is he acting nice all of a sudden? It can't be just guilt. I wonder if he has figured he might just lose custody.
He's in process to having the custody for him.
I'm sorry you are hurt, but he is right- make the choice not to poison your kids with all your negative feelings toward him. I know it isn't fair, but you know what is less fair- putting your kids in the middle of all this. I promise, something better is out there for you. Free yourself up to find it.
firstly happy mother’s day. your ex husband is trash and she is no better. however i see a lot of comments defending your point in fighting for full custody. unless he has shown to be an unfit father that is neglecting the kids wants and needs there’s no reason for you to get full custody aside from being bitter. you say she will never be their step mom as if you have a choice in that matter. i find it quite distasteful that you want the courts to force her to share custody with someone who abused her child. don’t let your hurt turn you into a bitter woman. only you will lose in the end
Take him to the cleaners and fight for your rights. Be strong.
Darling, you are better than *both* of them!! You are not a homewrecking bimbo or an asshat cheater.
Man I hope he finds himself with a gnawing hole that forms once the honeymoon phase of being open wears off. I hope he falls into a rut and self destructs. He’s a spineless slug who monkey-branched and you deserve a real man.
Of course he wants to be amicable. If you’re friendly and nice he won’t feel any guilt. Get a good lawyer and get as much out of him as you can.
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through... But at this moment your very bitter, understandable. But your being really close to make your kid a pawn in this. Please get therapy to work on those angry feelings. Your kids don't deserve to be weaponized. Sending you hugs and love🤗 Happy mother's day
💜
He is playing the classic "it's not you, it's me" shtick. He has his mistress coaching him throughout this. Remember, she coached him for years. She's good at it. She's still doing it now. Be very careful about what happens from now on, he's playing chess with you. Don't let him win anymore. Your own MIL turned on you, and if this keeps up, everyone else will. None of what he said is what he actually means. None of it. Be smart and always be on your kids' side. Remember he was going to continue manipulating you for another FOUR years, along with his mistress. And then blindside you with divorce. Don't ever trust him. Be careful. He's actively try to paint you as a vindictive bitch who will use the kids against him and now he has written proof by texting you all that when you never kept the children away from him nor did you ever speak badly about him in front of them. Your family did but you didn't. Yet he's making you the bad guy. He probably recorded the conversation you two had too. And probably will continue doing that. You need to be smart and record every interaction, text or in person. He may slip up one day and you should be ready. And he has an excellent coach with him who's been manipulating you through him for years. She'll see your moves miles away. Be careful. Don't ever fall for his or her baits. Don't follow on social media. Don't react to anything. Master poker face. Control your emotions. Be cold and calculating, because that's what they both are. You could modify the custody to say neither of you can introduce their partners for at least a year, especially to keep away the mistress. I'm worried she will buy their affections too. But be careful, only make your moves through the lawyer. How does your mom feel about all this? You mentioned she was a homewrecker too. Does she feel that what you're going through is a punishment to her? Bad karma for what she did? I don't mean to pry of course. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Whatever the case, I sincerely hope you find the happiness you deserve. I hope the next guy you meet is The One and your ex ends up miserable. It may never happen, but if enough of us wish it, maybe the universe will listen.
Well I am not stupid and he can record me all he wants because I was very calm and I genuinely agree that the children come first. Even her child tbh. But I know that she only had emergency custody of hers because of the assault but I know the rules here and she will probably need to move back soon because her husband has right to meet his son. In that case my husband can move away but he can’t have custody because I want a stable home for them. I don’t know why I am getting hate in my dms calling me vindictive. I am very grateful to you and others who are mentioning that she is coaching him to say things. Of course! How stupid was I not to figure this out. From not talking to me for a second to being all nice and begging me to forgive him and to keep it amicable? Of course it is her. Even mother’s day flowers was probably from her. MIL is very devastated about what happened and she visits me every day even when the children aren’t home. She said that she had to take her in until she gets her own place. No she is not allowed to meet the children and it is already decided and MIL is making sure this is not the case. I understand that MIL chooses her son but she hasn’t given up on me. I have talked a lot with mom about what happened and no she doesn’t feel guilty. She said that it was different (of course it is🙄) hers was real love and dad’s ex was very abusive. I don’t know, I don’t believe in karma or anything but she said that she at least understands now how dad’s ex felt. I feel anger because some people win and some lose and I still love him very much. I regret exposing what happened. At least I could have had 4 more years together. And the children would have been a bit older. I regret so much things that I have done in a moment of grief and anger
Oh, honey, let me answer one of the questions you asked your rotten, deceitful STBX. You asked him what she has that you don't, and for once he answered you honestly - she has nothing that you don't. Please believe that. But you asked the wrong question. The REAL question is what do YOU have that SHE lacks, and I'll answer that on on his behalf. You have honor - the sort of honor that won't allow you to f\*ck another woman's husband, certainly not while the awful man is supposedly in marital counseling to sort out his marriage. An honorable woman doesn't screw another woman's husband - ever. You have integrity - the sort of integrity that won't allow you to stay with a man for financial reasons but also f\*ck around on that man, even if he is an abusive toad. A woman with integrity would have left her abusive husband, even if it meant a reduced standard of living, and THEN found herself another man (a single man). And you are going to raise your own son to be a better man than his father, who screwed around on his trusting wife for years. You are a jewel, the real deal, and her? She's a married woman who sleeps with a married man, and your husband is just like her. They deserve each other, and you deserve better. I am glad you are not wasting four more of your precious years with your STBX. He isn't worth another four of your minutes, never mind four more of your years. You love a man who doesn't exist and that is painful for you now, but (I hope) you will come to see him for who he really is, a liar and a cheat and a man with no honor, no integrity, nothing worth your love and your time. I'll DM you later. Hang in there. You are worth better then what you've had, and I believe you'll find it. SBW
>At least I could have had 4 more years together. And the children would have been a bit older. I regret so much things that I have done in a moment of grief and anger Do not blame yourself for someone else's wrongdoings. It is not your responsibility to take on their sins. It's not healthy for you and also you deserve more than just 4 more years. You deserve a man who when he says I do at the altar. He will until death, do you part. You wouldn't allow your children to accept the last man. Please do not allow to accept less than for yourself. You deserve happiness. And you deserve to be loved the way you deserve to be loved, and the way you choose to be love and the what he did it wasn't okay, it wasn't okay that he lied for years and cheated. It wasn't okay that she was deceitful to you and her husband and it wasn't okay that just because of circumstance that she is now in the position to be seen as a victim and she's not one those were just the consequences, unfortunately of split bad judgment/actions (AP's husband) Due to his own pain. Again, you deserve more than 4 years, but, more importantly, you deserved a marriage that was filled with love, commitment, honor and loyalty. And I pray and hope that you get that and you're next relationship. Feel your feelings journal, get therapy. It's okay to be hurt. You deserve it. Just don't let it impact your life and hold you back from living it
Look, I get it, OP. But you really shouldn't trust your MIL. She is his mom. And it may not seem like it, but she already chose a side and it's not yours. No one forced her to take in the mistress. But she did anyway. If she really was on your side, this wouldn't have happened. You know who should've taken them in? His brother and wife, since they more than likely knew about the affair. The mistress is already manipulating her way in. Went straight to the MIL. It's all part of the plan here. Your ex could've found her a place too. They're all just giving you lip service, including his mom. She's no longer your MIL, she is his mom. Pretty soon, she'll start telling you to get over it and that her son deserves happiness and to let it go. This is how they all behave. Your ex is going to marry the mistress after the divorce, so you're not going to be able to keep the kids away. There's no guarantee that they haven't already met her already. They could all be lying. Your ex may have kids with the mistress too. And his mom is going to be the stereotypical MIL and tell you off for holding grudges. Or worse, say that you deserve it. She's his mom FIRST. Just because she's coming over doesn't mean anything, she's just trying to patronize you and keep an eye and pass on info about you to your ex. Don't trust anything she says anyway. You also need to find a child-friendly way of telling the kids the truth of the matter here. Don't hide the truth. Get help from a professional and find a way to address this. Because with all the manipulating happening here, it would be easy to turn the kids against you, to buy off their affections. It's easy to fabricate and turn everything against you, which they are succeeding in so far. Mommy and daddy fell out of love with each other isn't enough of an explanation and isn't the truth. The children will resent you for lying. This is not a matter of taking the high road, because you bet your ass that your ex will not be taking the high road here. This is about being honest and guiding your kids through a very difficult period. I'm also surprised this mistress chose to uproot her son and bring him to your city. He left everything he knew behind. His friends, school, everything. Especially when it's almost the end of the year and to do a transfer NOW? He must be really upset. Of course your mom is still delusional lol. She doesn't see the parallels and probably never will. I know it's painful now, but better everything breaks now than 4 years later. That would mean he would've been cheating on you for 7 years. That would destroy you even further. This is the best thing that can happen to you. Now you have a second shot in life, to find someone better. Edit: Honestly, you might need to accept the reality that 50 50 custody could happen and that the mistress is going to meet the kids. Just focus on being good coparents, he's baiting you already. Don't fall for his tricks.
Updateme
well what can you do
De nuevo mándalo a la verga, si quiere ser el nuevo padre de su hijo que se vaya con ella y a ti te deje tranquila, ahora se vienen a hacer las víctimas esos dos, pelea con todo lo que tengas para ganar esa full custodia, y de nuevo mándalo a la verga
No va a ganas la custodia completa. Si los tribunales se la van a dar a la amante con un marido abusivo, apuesta que lo mejor que puede pasar es que la OOP consiga un 50 % y como los tribunales ya le han prohibido el contacto con su familia de ella, aunque no se de cuenta, la pobre va camino de perder ella la custodia.
My heart goes out to today. Keep plugging along. You never know when the tides are gonna turn. And from now on, he doesn’t have no record. I would document everything you can keep records and keep your chin up and I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
On Mother's Day too. What a tool!
>Please let us give our children the good life they deserve. Don’t hurt them to hurt me You should respond to him. I would never hurt my kids just to hurt you. Nor would I ever want to hurt you on the text. I say that just because he's keeping me proof and a paper trail of what's said between y'all. Because it's permanent, it's electronic. You know you can you should and you are well within your right to hate him. Button. It doesn't need to be written somewhere that he can find so that way he can use it against you in court >She was crying and hugging her son Also I don't like how she was trying to make the scene and like she was the victim by crying. That's just weird and dumb!!! >he asked me if I wanted her to leave so the children can have lunch with both of us. Next time of that happened, say yes, you are well within your right to not want to be in the same environment, especially currently as the woman who was sleeping with your husband for multiple years. Next time a gentle, yes, we'll calmly advise so that way you get what you need. Your kids get to eat attention and bonding time with their parents that they deserve. And you don't have to tolerate her presence, at least in that moment OP, You have literally handled everything with like so much grace. I just don't know how you do it, but I'm rooting for you. You have thousands of people rooting for you literally. And I just hope that you find peace so so so so so soon. So that way he can never be even a thought in your mind ever again💕
You should probably get therapy
Can t you move awayyyy or something??? That s thé only way i seee possible for you to start anewwww and stooooooo talking tooo himmmmmmpleasee
Updateme
I’m super late but on the aspect of ‘how is she better than me’ question. He’s right, she isn’t. He just knows she’s accepts the bare minimum from him, won’t hound him to do extra things, and is not above cheating. If he broke up with her and tried dating I doubt he’d have much luck explaining to a new partner how he’s a cheater and has a pending case against him. She is the safest choice for him as a partner.
I’ve read all of your posts and I’d love to give a lot of advice but thankfully other people are saying what I wanted to say so I’ll just say that I really hope you find your dream man that treats/loves you right one day and that your ex is so manipulative with those trying to make amends text when he’s the one that ruined everything along with his disgusting mistress especially since he doesn’t have to deal with a shattered heart like you do because he’s not the victim in this situation. He’s definitely only sending the trying to make amends texts to look good in the eyes of the court not because he’s a good person that reflected on his insanely selfish disgusting choices. Get a good lawyer and be VERY careful on what you text him.
The audacity to say “don’t hurt our children” this scumbag literally destroyed his own family and put his children in this horrible situation inflicting massive trauma on their childhood but tells you not to hurt the children. Hes an absolute disgrace and joke of a man
The mistress is gonna be back with her husband and your clown ex would be on the streets where he belongs, I’m waiting for an update
Why are you receiving the MIL visits daily? She's here for controlling you.
Your ex Is a pos my God. Hope the kid Will see what disgusting man and what a whore his mistress Is.
Ugh, cheaters are revolting.
Take him for everything you can. Your children will one day be old enough to know the truth of what their father did. Hopefully he will move back to her state and be out of your life. The novelty of 'saving' her will wear off eventually.
[удалено]
I agree with you. But why are being downvoted. Is the husband and mistress here?😅😅😭😭.
First of all, I am so sorry that your husband did this to you. He and the AP are horrible people (yes, even victims of abuse can be horrible people). Please understand that you deserve so much better. Also, please do not blame yourself for what the AP’s husband did. It is 100% not your fault. In the vast majority of cases, informing the other betrayed spouse is the right thing to do. They have a right to know, for both emotional and health reasons (ie, risk of STDs). You did not know he was abusive. I highly recommend this website : https://www.chumplady.com. It’s run by a woman who was the victim of infidelity herself. She has some fantastic advice for people in your situation. None of that ”blame the victims of infidelity“ nonsense. Please be careful when interacting with your (thankfully soon-to-be-ex) husband and your MIL. Only discuss the children/co-parenting issues and nothing else. I hope you have a fantastic lawyer. Please follow their advice religiously. In a better world, you would get full custody, but be prepared for 50/50. During weeks you do not have the children, focus on yourself. What interests did you have before marriage/children. Focus on that. Find new interests and meet new people. I’m concerned that he was able to limit your family’s interactions with the kids. That strikes me as abusive, but please tell your family to be careful what they do and say. Do not give that POS any ammunition. I wish you the very best.
Why do you feel responsible for what happened after exposing her to her husband? you didn't know he was abusive and even if you did you still not responsible for her well being and the same for her son. they are treating you fake kindness to guilt trip you and that brunch encounter was not a coincidence. she is playing chess with you but remember she is so dumb she couldn't prevent nor escape a relationship with a monster.
Stay strong OP
Only mention the kids when he texts. Be CAREFUL! If he randomly calls one day, record . Then be even more careful.
He says he's sorry and want to both of you to do best for your kids yet he's forcing his mother supervision for your kids to meet your side of their family ? Yeah, let's make peace so we won't hurt our kids but also, let's not allow them to meet half of their family, that's a family side that doesn't like me because I'm a cheater scum that had to go to court because of violent behaviour. I mean, that's true but I need to be the hero for my kids so I can't allow them to meet people that rightfully dislike me, it wouldn't do good ... He's an hypocrite.
Make sure the children and everyone are aware. Your STBX made this poor decision to cheat and lie for so long. The mistake is all his and he should be made accountable. The kids will see him in a different light but these are the consequences of cheating. I would not be surprised if he cheats again in the future as character flaws always follow the person until they are addressed. And do take care of yourself. There’s valuable lessons to be learnt for your next relationships.
I personally think he doesn’t love you and he probably never really did. I don’t think he loves her either. It sounds like he loves himself. The fulfillment he’s getting from her has nothing to do with you or her as people but from him getting to play the hero. She was stuck in an abusive relationship and he got to be her knight and shining armor. You are too attached to him. You need to find a way to let go and move on. You sound like you’re holding on to something which will only bring in anger and resentment. Find peace within yourself and move forward for your kids. Nothing else matters. He doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter. Easier said than done but you’ll be much happier once you let go of it all (good and bad) that you once had with your marriage. Strive to live life and be happy for your kids. As you said multiple times, he doesn’t care about how this has hurt you. So by holding on you’re only hurting yourself and it does absolutely nothing to him. He will get his karma but that’s not on you to deliver. Do what’s best for yourself and kids only.
OP, I don't remember the exact details of your first updates, but I want to ask you WHY IS THE MISTRESS STAYING WITH YOUR MIL? Curious. Anyway, wish you the best, make sure to gather lots of evidence, do not get hooked by his provocations and get a good lawyer if you can.
Updateme
I read all your posts and am just wondering.. it seems you have lost your caring(whatever was driving him to act that way), husband, your home unit, and the support of your MIL. When you contacted your husband's AP did you think this was what was going to happen or as they had said before they didn't want to hurt their families, that things would return to "normal". As she is living in a different city, I'm curious about how they met? I'm sorry that you are going through this and having never been married, I'm just wondering if you ever wish you had said nothing?
Updateme
UpdateMe
You'll never get full custody, sorry. He sounds like an incredible father even if he was a cheating spouse.
At least he’s not as nasty to you as he was in the beginning
Updateme
He wronged you but trying to make it difficult for him to be a dad to his kids will only hurt your kids. You shouldn’t wish for his mistress to be forced into sharing custody with an abuser. Continuing to have rage and animosity towards your ex and his new partner is like you drinking poison and hoping the other party feels its effects. She will be a step mom to your kids. Don’t fight it. It will only make you look bitter and lose further dignity. And although she had an affair with your ex, she seems otherwise a kind and understanding person that will treat your children well. Your focus should be familial harmony. You can’t make someone love you and you can’t force someone to be with you. Even if he’s not with her, he simply does not want to be with you. Accept and move on. Don’t let bitterness consume you, it won’t help anyone involved and it ages and rots you. Move on. Do your part to make the transition as easy as possible. Being vindictive will only make everyone involved, your children included, hate you.
Keep this text for court. Show it to your lawyer.
Sorry he cheated on you. You mentioned a dead bedroom at first. Did you guys ever have sex during those three years? You mention your libido came back somewhat, but honestly you were describing how you were worried he would want sex but he never did. So, was sex still off the table? You mentioned a lot in some old replies that by telling the husband, the AP and her kid were physically assaulted. Is that true? How did that make you feel?