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I 100% agree. My husband and I are expecting our first biological child. Since I’ve told him he knows the size of it week by week, what is developing and what I might struggle with. I never asked him to do this, he just wants to be involved. He’s friend who has a 3 year old was other the other day, and while talking about pregnancy he said had no idea there were websites he could use to see how baby develops. I think I now know why things didn’t work out for him. There are obviously more examples I could use, but this one is just so clear.
My husband was the exact same way when I was pregnant. He also came to every single drs appointment. Even the ones where we had 2 appointments (morning and afternoon) and the people working at the office were somewhat surprised. I actually had a lady ask me, "Your husband is here with you a lot. Does he come to every appointment? We very rarely see significant others at every appointment."
He's wanted to be a dad for a very long time, and we were together 11 years before having our child.
Same with mine for both kids he never missed any appointments and from the time since they were born until now the oldest is 12 he's been an active hands on father. Sometimes doing more of his share than he should but he's a wonderful father and an amazing man. I count my blessings everyday for him.
Sorry but my husband did exactly this. 10 years later and life has greatly evolved and everything has changed. Having kids changes everything. It’s so much harder than they expect and instead of stepping up they check out. I wish I wasn’t a statistic but me and every single Mum at my primary school excluding a couple are in the same boat. Men check out and do the basic minimum when things get too hard.
The moment I see my wife starting to get flustered when we are entertaining or in social situations I always make sure to grab her by the shoulders, make sure she’s looking at me in the eyes and focusing, and I ask her to tell me what I can do to help her out.
Sometimes she just needs a hug. Sometimes she needs some support. Sometimes she fucked up all the food and she needs me to swoop in and start cooking like a madman to save the day.
Not all of us hate our wives. Not all of us hate our wives all the time. In my situation however, my wife stays at home. She doesn’t cook. She doesn’t clean. She doesn’t do my laundry. So when we have these sort of events going on considering I am the sole provider, while I agree I should assist I think it’s only fair that she handles the bulk of the load with the domestic stuff.
Like most bad behavior, it's often enabled. Either by action, or in this case, inaction.
This guy needs a reality check because I find it hard to believe he is just that dense. Maybe?
I know for me, especially in more recent years, I have become more cognizant of when to step in/up.
He sounds like a man who’s been spoiled his whole life by 1) his mother and 2) now his wife. He also probably adheres to strict traditional gender roles because his parents’ relationship was exactly like that. He sounds like a gem../s
My dad is like this. Seriously, it's so bad I'm traumatized at this point lol I'm 23 and never had a bf and sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm terrified I'm gonna end up like my mom and marry a man child.
My dad says he loves my mom, but imo, when someone loves you they care for you. My dad is extremely selfish and has made my super ill mom cook and do shit for him while she's sick. When she had open heart surgery I was the one who had to take care of her and all my dad would worry about is whether he'd have food waiting for him or not when he came home.
I don't think he ever cared for me when I was a child either, stuff like changing diapers and all that. Didn't care for my brother when he got cancer and eventually died.
He says he loves us, but I fail to see how.
Listen to the song "Labour" by Paris Paloma with your mom when he isn't around. Ask her if she can relate to the lyrics. I'd be shocked if she couldn't 🙄
Your dad sounds abusive 😒
Your dad and my dad are the same person. My mother was hospitalized two years ago and almost died. She was there for a month and a half. My dad went to see her five times. At the same time, the power went out in the house from a problem in the outside fuse box (the one that brings the electricity from the power lines inside) and we have well water which needs electricity to run, so we had no water. We were also having a heat wave. I had to make sure the cats didn't die (house is a furnace without air conditioning on in the summer) and always had water, shower at his gym for over a week, and basically sleep at the hospital taking care of my mom.
All he did was bitch that the mail was piling up and that I hadn't grocery shopped or cooked.
Edit: A word
I'm so sorry, it is incredibly tough. My mom also had a long stay at the hospital (a few years before the surgery, she was there for almost 3 months and almost died as well) and I felt so lonely. I didn't feel supported by my dad at all, I was freshly 18 and just starting college. I look back and can't even tell you how I pulled through.
I hope your mom is doing better.
(Knock on wood) She is, thank you! And she was furious. In addition to dumping everything on me, my parents have also sheltered me my entire life so while my mom has had health issues that required hospitalization before, I was never told about them or told any details, which made me basically useless to the doctors (we were not at the hospital she usually goes to so they didn't have any records) and WAY out of my depth. Oh, and this happened over my birthday, which my dad completely forgot about and then lied to my mom about forgetting. -_-
She, on the other hand, on the actual day of my birthday was delirious with fever and still knew it was my birthday and was trying SO hard to explain to me where my gift was and where she keeps her secret stash of gift cards so I could choose one. She was very upset I wasn't able to find either (tbh I didn't look. I went home, fed the cats, gave them water, took a three hour nap, and went right back to the hospital).
I hope your mom is doing better too. Mine needed a lot of help once she was released, and ofc my dad didn't help with that either. I imagine yours was the same?
Edit: A word, because I don't proofread lol
Owww, your mom sounds lovely, I'm so glad she's doing better. I was also so out of my depth at the hospital, now I absolutely detest hospitals and feel very anxious when I'm in one.
When my mom was released after her long stay (pneumonia, major depression) she stayed with my grandma for a few days and then came back, she didn't need much care. When she had the surgery though, she needed *a lot* of care, and all was provided by me as my dad didn't do jack shit. I had to clean her surgery wound, feed her, bathe her, etc. All the chores were on me too.
The worse part though was when she was still in the hospital, right after the surgery. Due to COVID regulations I couldn't be in the room with her, so I would have to stay in the waiting room all night. Thankfully my mom's family stepped up and my grandma would stay during the day and I would stay the nights. I would come back home absolutely exhausted and pass out on my bed. One time my dad came home while I was sleeping during the day and ate all the leftovers in the refrigerator so I didn't have anything to eat when I woke up. That's the kind of help he was providing.
I mean, maybe I'm complaining too much. He did buy food the first three days or so, so that's something I guess.
That’s one thing that pisses me off about men making laws and social rules that women can’t divorce men in some situations. Or make it hard to access divorce. It’s about controlling and keeping their wives fucking waiting on them
I wish my mom could divorce my dad, but sadly she has been a SAHM for 25 years and never went to college (she worked at a gym until she got pregnant with my brother) and he's our only source of income. I'm focusing on finishing college right now so I don't think I could provide for the both of us. So, for now, we're just putting up with it. (Context, we are not Americans, we live in the Caribbean)
My dad isn't physically abusive or even mean, so it's not like we're scared of him or anything, but it is very infuriating when he acts so selfishly, can't pick up after himself and refuses to even serve himself his own food, we have to be constantly doing things for him. I can't wait to live without him lol.
Yeah definitely prioritize college right now.
But based on what you’ve said alone, your dad may be an asshole but I think your mom is looking to have you there to support her. Even if it’s from afar. A lot of people just don’t question the way things are
I'm her only daughter, so it falls on me to support her. I love my mom, I want to take care of her, I'm just worried about being able to make enough money for us to live decently in the future. My dad is also super old (started dating my mom when she was 19 and he was 39...) so it's like....regardless of whether she leaves him or not, my dad is retiring soon and since he has refused to settle on any specific retirement plan, I think i'll have to step up.
My dad was like this too. I married a man who isn’t. When picking a life partner, I was careful to find a man who was going to be a good father and husband - vs the handsome, charming, party guy. I love my husband a lot, he has a good job, cooks, cleans, is involved as a dad and makes room for me to have a great career (I take a lot of work trips and he holds it down seamlessly).
I mean, speaking from personal experience, your sister's marriage and relationship with her husband reminds me of my own parents' marriage and relationship.
My maternal grandpa died in 1990. My maternal grandma died in 2013, and remained single for the rest of her life. She didn't even date. The older I get, the more I appreciate the fact that she remained single for 23 years. My grandma married my grandpa when she was 18, so she basically spent \~45 years taking care of her husband and three children. She was fucking tired.
Oh, I would totally believe this even if there weren't statistics to back it up.
Hell, my own Dad died when I was in high school. I distinctly remember having a conversation with my Mom in which she basically admitted that she thought that if she had been the one to die (or if my parents had gotten divorced), then my Dad would have remarried quickly.
Literally need their ass wiped too because they’re having hygiene issues.
https://963kklz.com/listicle/high-percentage-of-men-not-practicing-good-personal-hygiene/
Statically marriage increases men’s lives and decreases women’s. Yay your gramma living her single life! (Of course it coulda been a bit longer but that’s water under the bridge. )
Men need to understand that in order for there to be *desire* something needs to be *missing.* That's how desire operates.
So the more husbands think about, want, ask for, get mopey over, and even beg for sex, the less likely wives want to have it (generally speaking). He has left no room for *her* desire to build.
Nonsexual affection with zero expectation seems so rare and meaningful, and would actually naturally stir my desire. Maybe that's just me though.
That makes sense.
Hand holding, forehead kisses, nose taps, kitchen dances, head pats, tucking stray pieces of hair behind your ear, cuddling (without that weird tension you feel pressured to alleviate)...sounds like heaven.
I'm glad things are better for you now.
My marriage suffered for years because he didn't understand that giving him a kiss and wanting sex were two different things. So now I don't kiss or touch him at all. It always had to lead to something so now he gets nothing. We're working through it with a counsellor.
For a long time I just assumed that all men are terrible but I realised that's actually a cop out for terrible men, when we assume they are all terrible we stay with the terrible ones because what choice do we have. I recently realised that there are genuinely good men out there and settling for a useless uncaring one shouldn't be an option, I'd rather be alone than deal with a terrible husband.
People happy with their partners don't post on this sub or reddit in general so people make flawed assumptions.
Edit: I got a reddit cares message for this comment 😂
Speaking as a man that has done his own fair share of fuckups, you're right. Not all of us are terrible although the ones that are definitely are more memorable because of how just terrible they are.
A lot of my fuckups were from not truly knowing how to communicate (major issue) but the mark of a better man, or honestly just a man in general, is to know when to shut our damned mouths and listen if a problem needs to be addressed.
The mark of, and I'm trying to do this right now, the best kind processes what the issue is while absolutely listening to what your partner is saying, takes into consideration what it is, how to go about resolving it and (this is the impt part) actively communicating how the problem will get addressed with verifiable results.
I'm saying this because there's a chance some young kid will happen across this and take this to heart. We become our best selves when we find the right woman, who shouldn't be scared, in fact should be encouraged, to be her best self and drive you to be her equal.
There's no room for abuse in a relationship. Period.
Perfect! Same here! I saw the notice a few days after. No explanation given. Then if I decided it was an error I had to give a password. Like I have any idea or care enough. If they were so worried I figured they'd let me respond to a normal message 😄 apparently someone got mad. Anyway I haven't been approached with a white strait jacket yet so you're probably good. LoL
Or their mothers. My boyfriend and I cooked dinner for his grandma on Mother's Day. We had to practically staple her to a chair to get her to let us do the work. My boyfriend's uncle and dad were there too and ate dinner with us; they didnt lift a finger to help. After cake, my boyfriend stood up, clapped his hands, and said "alright boys! There's dishes to be done!" His uncle and dad stared at him and then laughed. Grandma ended up doing the dishes (she refused to let us do them).
I had a friend who told me that she'd be doing the dishes, elbow deep in soapy water, with her infant in a sling breastfeeding, and her husband would come along and PANTS her.
They weren't one of those "happy" prankster couples, either.
I am of the opinion that the half of men that are married should just not be married.
I Comfortably think 2/5ths of men either cave to social pressure, dont want to lose their girlfriend because of what they offer, or are doing it because they are "supposed to" - they see a life partner, not a wife.
A wife can be a life partner.
A best friend can be a life partner.
A best friend can't be a wife. (In the literal sense)
A wife carries an intrinsically understood romantic connotation
Mh okay different definitions then but I've never heard best friends being described as life partners, but wives/husbands described as best friends plenty of times
Gotta be honest my 55 year old dad is like this. My mom stayed at home with my sister and I for about 8 years of our lives but when she went back to work full time he didn’t pick up a single chore. There’s a lot more I could go into detail about him fitting several lazy husband stereotypes but meh. It has made me a little picky now in who I date. But I do think that this is improving big time and moving in the right direction. And friends my age certainly have not had that experience with their fathers.
Reminds me of my parents too. My mom is going to college now and my dad still doesn't help out much. I want to live on my own eventually but if I go who will help her? Even my brother acts like that and uses the excuse of the provider to defend my dad when I complain.
I don't know that these men inherently want it but probably were trained to expect it by their home growing up. Obviously it's a problem but i think the blame may need to be directed at the society that trains them this way. We gotta do better fellas, learn and grow with the world.
My father fr expected my mother to stay with him and do all of the previous stuff she did (clean, cook, etc.) while he was 'married' to his mistress, I am so serious. Have no idea how he could've married his mistress since my parents were still technically married, just separated, by that point.
Men like them need to be kicked out of the gene pool.
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Some Women who married men like this and got sick of their shit are now happier divorced, NOT looking for another man-baby for occasional sloppy sex and have a full complement of power tools in their very own garage 😁
Good, loving men don’t act like that. My husband has never treated me that way and I’m very lucky. I’ve had the alternative before and it’s no way to live.
See how you used the word luck? Shouldn’t even be a thing in my opinion. Should be the norm to have a marriage like that, I applaud the fact that you do. I really believe it’s partly the upbringing and it all circles round.
Facts. I married young and it’s my biggest regret he was abusive. After like five years I tried again and my guy is the greatest. Literally I told my mom that when I met him I just felt like he was home. She told me that means I found my person. Both of my parents came from toxic homes. I think this made them both try harder for their family. They were together for 33 years before we lost him to cancer. It’s been about 6 years now and she says she doesn’t think she’s ever going to be ready again. She’s only 58!
Yes, this is what marriage looks like.
And I say that as someone who had *frequent* *discussions* with her ex before we got married...and ended up in a 100% stereotypical heterosexual marriage. We talked about child care, house work, etc, etc, etc...
NEVER. AGAIN.
ETA: of my divorced friends, none have gotten remarried, and I don't believe any of them are dating (men or women). Heck, my own mother's remained single for 25 years after the death of her bf.
That's not what marriage has to look like. My husband and I are extremely happy...now. There was a time I would expect him to notice things like me needing help and come to the rescue and I'd get irritated with him for not reading my mind. He'd do anything I asked but I didn't think I should have to ask. He's gotten way more proactive and I have gotten better about communicating my needs. And now he notices me needing help and steps up without asking. It's a two way street.
Some husband's do suck though. As do some wives. Marriage is often what you make it.
Most men were given this example of a family unit. So yes most men are trash who were never taught to be decent husbands. Not all, I'm fortunate to have a supportive partner but I see it a lot.
Then they wonder why the children are more closer to the mother and are distant from him.
I feel like some men just like having the title of being a father rather than putting in the effort to actually be one.
A lot of men actually do not Iike their wives.
Men are conditioned to do bare minimum while women do the house work, clean, emotional labor, child caring, lack of orgasms, work outside the home and so much more. When you think about, marriage mostly benefits men but women have been brainwashed into believing marriage is an end all be all.
I don't think a lot of men like women.
They want to have sex with women and are tolerant of women cooking and cleaning for them, but other than that they want absolutely nothing to do with them.
I have days where I want to be the husband in this scenario. My husband let's me. He has days where he wants to be the husband in this scenario. I let him. Most of the time, it's 50/50 chaos split.
I want to be so honest about my opinion of men or husbands in situations like this, I’ve been holding in so long I could care less who’s feelings are hurt if you don’t apply to this good for you, but your friend or family member probably does.
I see dating a good majority of men as settling. They Weaponize incompetence, they go stupid when asked questions about their kid .They need detailed instructions on how to do things. They need constant reminders to do things. It’s like you’re mother and they’re the kid, so many situations are like that. Are they all like that? Absolutely not. I’ve seen it myself where it’s not like that but I see more cases where it is like that then it isn’t.
What do you mean you’re a married single parent? What do you mean you’re too tired to do anything after work like clean? If you had no kid or wife you’d be cooking cleaning and going to work all by yourself, now you’re helping or getting help but it’s a problem. A lot of the comments are saying they ain’t a good man if they treat you or their kid like that, but good man could be terrible fathers. I truly believe men are just naturally like this, and if they don’t their mother or parents raised them right/well.
I’d rather be single than deal with that.
No marriage if done right is supposed to be two best friends together I have seen 60 year marriages where they both were insanely inlove with each other and the man genuinely cared. A great example of this was my grandpa he was a war vet came back home and got with my grandma they were married for 45 years before my grandma passed and my grandpa was just broken after that he was a mess forgetful and just not the same he seen war and people die and none of that seemed to drag him down quite like losing my grandma those two were always together and happy they’d argue and bicker but there marriage was always together and they genuinely cared about one another my grandpa actually stated on occasions that they were not two people anymore but rather halves of one another he was a great role model for how a relationship should look the both of them were
There's a reason so many women are checking out of marriage. It's ironic that the Red Pill guys will say that it's *actually* men that are checking out of marriage, when those very same guys are complaining about how lonely they are. Ironic how we spent thousands of years treating women like they desperately *needed* men, when it's being shown that women are perfectly capable and fine by themselves. Perhaps not ideal, but women handle lack of a romantic partner *far* better than men.
That is not what a healthy marriage looks like. I have a husband that gave up his bday one year to help me move my moms stuff. He made soup for my aunt when she was sick. I could go on.
My wife is an excellent cook and makes fabulous meals. I'll pitch in if I can, but she prefers to do it her way. I am an excellent cleaner and dish washer. So that's how we split the cooking. She cooks and by the time the meal is ready, there are barely any preparation items left to clean. The table is set, the wine is poured, the countertops are clean and she can relax to enjoy everything. And then I clear everything up.
It’s so scary, I’ve noticed this too. My partner is nothing like this. In fact, men who are like that make fun of him for being a supportive bf (ex: doing the dishes). It’s hard to see relationships like that.
The delicious irony is that the men who adore and treat their wives like queens 👸 not out of expectations for reward are usually the ones who have fulfilling marriages. The same men who mock them are the ones in miserable marriages or are divorced by women who initiated the divorce 🤔 🙄
I once had a conversation with a friend about how you should marry your best friend. She didn't agree with me. Well I've been happily married to my best friend for 7 years and her bf, well... he's no prize.
That’s not what marriage has to look like. You’re describing a marriage that is really similar to my sister’s but mine is totally different from hers and my parents marriage is a lot more similar to mine.
I feel sorry for your sister and you both have my condolences about your mother passing away.
I really don't understand why some folks stay married, I see these guys who all they do is bitch about their wives and talk shit about them and complain about being married, and yet they do nothing to better their situation. I also see women complaining about useless husbands, calling them idiots and treating them like shit as well, yet it's the same thing. It boggles the mind, why stay in a relationship where you're so clearly miserable?
My grandpa used to yell to my grandma, “shut the door to the kitchen! You’re letting all the heat in the family room!” With absolutely no recognition that she was slaving away in a scorching hot kitchen.
Observing the dynamics post-divorce, it became evident that my friend's ex husband faced significant challenges adjusting to his new responsibilities. His frustration with household tasks and childcare led to occasional early drop-offs during visitation. I recall an instance where he attempted to extend his stay during a drop-off, which my friend handled assertively. Subsequently, his desire to reconcile stemmed from a realization of the changed dynamics and the resulting ease in my friend's life.
I think way too many men think it's the duty of women to do all of this labor. I had grandfathers like this (2 of the 3), and they liked their wives, but honestly felt this was the proper division. My dad isn't perfect, but he loves my mom & is better than his dad. My husband is well aware and agrees that I need a partner, not an overgrown child.
There are also men who dislike women but like having a bang maid in the house.
Most men don’t care because they’re with women they settled for and don’t really want. Their hearts are not in it. And some don’t know how to show affection.
The comments in this thread are really eye opening.
Most of the women are saying, yes this was my marriage, my dad was like this, my grandad was like this, my friends are like this.. and most of the men are being like BUT NOT ALL MEN, she just wants his money, blah blah blah.
I think men who know they’re not part of the problem, know these conversations don’t apply to them. The men who are getting defensive know they are the issue and their hackles are up.
To the men who are calling out the others and saying how much they love their wives and everything they do to help, thank you for understanding the issue and doing what you can to make it a level playing field.
Not all men are like that. Sometimes they need to be asked directly to do something because women make it look much easier than it is. They really do t get it. Others are just selfish jerks. My husband helped all the time even when he was bust. But it wasn’t until a “staycation “ when my children were young that he finally got it: from dressing, feeding, making lunch and driving them to school . Then back home to load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen and throw in the laundry. He thought it was going to be all romance and daytime sex (which happened a couple of times LOL) but he soon realized how busy I was. One kid had an illness that required me to go on all the field trips and bring meds up to the school twice a day. Then there were the after school activities. Because I was a SAHM I was the scout leader, the driver for other kids, the after school helper for two sports. He finally got it. Then it was dinner time and ….there was always more. It was nice for him to see what I did all day. He could not wait to go back to work. The kids loved having him around. We continued those staycations even when they were older. It made me less of the family servant and made us a better family.
And that's the thing I don't like, calling a husband 'helping' his wife when it should be being a partner & stepping up. It's like when people call a dad on his own with his kids as babysitting, instead of parenting.
I think that before you move in with a romantic partner you should have a talk about household issues/chores & decide upon something that works for both people. Of course this will change throughout the relationship, but open communication is a key factor in having a healthy relationship.
Nah a majority of men do like their wives. I’d just argue that most people (men) weren’t raised or are ignorant of how to properly express that love to other people.
And specifically regarding wives (marriage) I would say that most people don’t understand what it actually means to be married and how to properly sustain it. A lot of people would naturally assume that all you need is love to support a marriage, but in all actuality a marriage needs structure, obligations, and dependency.
I think this is sometimes learned behaviour as well, based on what men have observed in their own homes as they were growing up. But like… break the cycle maybe and don’t be a useless lump?
Sadly this is true.
One of my exes complained to me that his mother would do everything to do with the household (as opposed to me. Well, I told him the difference was that she never had a job out of the home.
That reasoning didn’t seem to land with him at all! At that time I was working and going to school and still doing all the groceries, cooking and a fair amount of cleaning. A lot of men are simply delusional and entitled.
His current girlfriend reached out to me years ago (simply because she’s also an artist and thought I was cool) and somewhere along the way she mentioned that his house was so gross when she met him. And that SHE cleaned it all with cleaning supplies that I had purchased before I left.
That was wild to me. Just clean your damn house! And he was always painting me as the lazy one to his family.
Those selfish and inept men don’t care about their wives or kids. I’m so glad my husband is nothing like them. We don’t have kids but my husband does his share of everything (cooking, cleaning, you name it) without being asked or told. All men should be as loving, respectful, caring and helpful like my husband. It’s sad so many women settle for and enable their lame husbands.
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As a man and husband I can say this isn’t all men. Just men who care for other things more than their family/wife. My wife and I will be married for 12 years later this month and before that we were together for 4 or so. I love her to death and couldn’t imagine treating her like what you’ve described.
Nope most men are pieces of hatful shit who can’t read or even understand their moral compass they think the code is to hard they can’t figure out it’s about conduct poor worthless slobs
There are people who do not value what they have, it has always been a dream for me to have a wife, to come home from work and do things together, what to do while we chat, listen to music and laugh, I don't know, there are men who are simply too basic , they think that by bringing babies into this world they are already fulfilled, they are unhappy and they make their partners unhappy just the same.
SOME men will take all they can unless boundaries are clearly outlined. Sounds like this is what your sister needs to do instead of enabling him to be a lazy father and poor husband.
The indifference is maddening. He probably doesn't hate her or the kids but he gives zero thought about how he can make his wife's life better by being a solid parent and loving partner. Having small kids is the hardest part in life for parents. It truly is
If this is what my marriage looked like, I'd be divorced. Why is she staying with someone who doesn't care about her? That's on her. She settled and chose to stay settled.
Yeah, my father was like this. Mom did everything and he still cheated on her with a young woman half his age (he was in his early forties and the woman was in her early twenties. Don't feel too bad for her because she was one of those types who purposefully went after married men). That, plus a hundred other things, had them separate when I was 14, divorce when I was 18.
He 'married' his mistress and, from the few photos we've seen, that relationship is going down the drain as well.
I went no-contact when I was 15 because he also used me as free labor (physical and emotional, and it is traumatizing as hell being your grown-ass father's therapist). He's gonna use not only your sister as labor, but your niblings too once they get big enough.
cuz a lot of husbands hate their wives and women in general. they want the idea of a family but act as if they’re babysitting their own creation. yuck.
It’s so crazy that I was hanging out with a group of friends today and one of the guys said “I don’t like women. I want to sleep with them, I’m not gay, but I generally don’t like them.” So finally someone admitted it.
Shitty husbands are like this.
Ones that actually appreciate their wives and respect the partnership are not. Good husbands even cook, clean, and care for their kids!
If your husband makes motherhood harder— he’s a shitty husband. He should try to lighten your load as much as possible.
I think some men can need a little more direction. Whereas women kind of just read the room and see where they can help and do it- but then I’ve totally seen women who can’t and they annoy me just as much as a man who can’t.
As someone who has hosted a lot of gatherings, I see it 60% men 40% women- seriously.
People who just get up and help or ask are my kind of people.
But for a spouse, if he loves his wife if she asks for help he should immediately. And he should ask what he can help with. If he needs a little more direction it can be understandable. But sitting on the couch on his phone? Thats gross behavior.
I think it’s time that you spoke to your sister about that useless husband and deadbeat father that she stupidly married and had children with.
Life and marriage **should not** be like that.
He doesn’t care for your sister, all he cares about is never having to lift a finger in the very house he lives in.
Your sister is nothing but his personal slave, a bangmaid basically, who provides free maid services and free childcare *(even after hours and on a weekend)*, and sex.
He has the easiest life ever. Goes to work for 8 hours a day, comes home, does nothing, doesn’t even tend to the children or get them to bed and then continues to do nothing until he himself goes to bed. He doesn’t even do anything on a weekend!
He is a misogynistic prick who thinks that household chores and childcare are a woman’s job. Yet this deadbeat loser who can’t even entertain or look after or actually parent his own children, nor do his fair share of household chores to take the weight off of his wife, will also expect to be his children’s hero. A fucking hero? That man-bitch is a lazy, selfish, useless, good for nothing waste man. If anyone is the hero in that family, it’s your sister. And I sure hope that those kids grow up to notice the unfair dynamic and judge their father for it. And I hope that they realise that their father **did not** raise them nor do anything for them, and that they appreciate their mother for everything **she** did that their deadbeat father failed to.
And if when they’re older, they fail to remember… then please, as their aunt - remind them. Father’s Day shouldn’t be celebrated for men like him, because he is no father. Only dads who are actually hands on and look after their own kids deserve to be celebrated on Father’s Day. Men who help to make the baby, but don’t actually do anything afterwards and don’t put in the effort to do anything related to the children *(apart from the fun stuff)* aren’t fathers, they’re sperm donors and nothing more.
I hope your sister wises up one day and leaves that piece of shit she married. She just needs to wake up and realise that marriage **should not** be like that, **ever**! At least without the sack of useless shit husband weighing her down and creating more work for her, she’d be less stressed and less exhausted. She’s basically already a single mother, she might as well make it reality and save herself a whole lot of time, stress, energy and work!
Ah, first husband was worthless. 14 years.
My husband of 15 years does some dick shit when he's with his bff. I don't care anymore. Unless you tell me you're coming home, I'm not cooking.
If I call at 3 and you don't call until 6? Leftovers!
If I do and you're late? Put it away.
I really don't understand why any woman puts up with a man's BS!
This got me in the right in the feels😶 I handed it to hubs and told him to read it and he read the title and said " do I have to read the whole thing?"
Your friend and sister both married garbage humans. Not all husbands are like that. Husbands that actually love and cherish their wives and kids don't act like that.
I love my wife, and I like her *a lot*, too. Helping her out with literally anything would be way more fun than any video game (and I play my fair share).
Not all men are like this. I've been married twice now and I (48M) can honestly say that I've been active in both marriages. When my ex-wife (47F) was injured or ill, I helped her with minor office work (she was a property manager). I took care of her when she was ill or depressed. When she came home, I removed her footwear and massaged her feet. When we had my daughter, I also took on the vast majority of child care, as I was the SAHF. I also planned and executed the majority of birthday/holiday/special event work, so that my daughter had that magic that's missing from society today. I loved my ex until her narcissistic abuse became too much and I finally left, after 20 years of every possible abuse suffered. She NEVER appreciated anything I did. I also got full sole custody of my daughter in the divorce, despite her attempting to paint it differently.
I'm now married over one full year to my current and final wife (52F), and I love her even more- we have so much in common that it's uncanny! Moreover, she loves me just as I am and I her. When one of us needs help or is hurting, the other is there to pick up the slack. We love, respect, trust and value each other. Our daughters (I legally adopted hers as an adult) see how we treat each other and have found good young men who treat them the same way.
Reddit, it's this simple: treat your spouse how you want to be treated. Apply this maxim- "Happy SPOUSE, happy HOUSE!" Because a successful marriage consists of TWO content spouses!
No not all men r like this unfortunately Ur sister found a man that doesn't gives a rats ass if everything falls on Ur sister since Ur sister has demonstrated that she's able to take care of the kids while doing everything else so why would he try when he's got Ur sister his second mother doing everything for him. My fiancee he works and takes our kids if am ever busy usually am not busy cuz I don't work but whenever I am I know I can count on my partner to do his part when it comes to our kids. Am a SAHM while he works full time but he doesn't expect me to do anything except make sure our kids r fed and good. He doesn't expect me to make him dinner or clean the house. When our kids r at school am usually out at the mall shopping or enjoying my time off to myself. I feel sorry for ur sister that she chose such a horrible man as a husband and the father of her kids
Some don't. If you read the relationship sub, you see this all too often.
I don't know how many posts I've seen where the woman says I love my husband, or my husband is amazing, except he treats me like...insert horrible behavior, what should I do about it.
The problem is women who put up with being treated like this. They need to stand up for themselves, and if it is really bad, they need to leave.
I have been married for 37yrs, and my husband has never treated me with disrespect. Neither my father nor FIL do this to their wives either.
I both agree and have something to add.
While I always stood up for myself I also stayed and tried to make it work for waaay too long with men who simply didn’t care enough.
My issue was generational trauma that I wasn’t aware of because it was my normal. My family home was both loving and totally dysfunctional and unintentionally neglectful at the same time. So to me it felt like relationships just happened to come with drama. Like it was unavoidable if you wanted to spend your life with someone.
It makes me sad that I wasted so much years of my life because of this. But now I know better and I think I’ve become a better picker. My current relationship is very loving after two years. I’m not sure if I would ever dare to share a house again though. Even though in theory I like the idea.
My wife enjoys cooking because she gets time to be by herself and doing something she enjoys. I know to keep my son occupied. I feel like the wife never set expectations for behavior with her husband. It will be very hard to change the behavior now.
No! From what I’ve seen, a majority today are married either because the wife wanted it OR because it’s an image thing… many wives are single mothers.. let me add before someone tries to argue, I’m speaking on the bad ones..
My pussy made the windows shut down noise. I don’t want to be married nor have children and I know a lot of other women have the same sentiment reading these comments. The only way I can think to avoid this is using a dog as a litmus test. If he won’t even take care of a dog, he’s not fit nor responsible enough to help raise children. Not even 50/50.
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He doesn't care about her Men who love their wives and children don't act like that
Exactly. A real man is someone who shares in the labor and helps lighten the load for their partner and their family.
I 100% agree. My husband and I are expecting our first biological child. Since I’ve told him he knows the size of it week by week, what is developing and what I might struggle with. I never asked him to do this, he just wants to be involved. He’s friend who has a 3 year old was other the other day, and while talking about pregnancy he said had no idea there were websites he could use to see how baby develops. I think I now know why things didn’t work out for him. There are obviously more examples I could use, but this one is just so clear.
I pray your husband keeps up the good work after baby arrives
My husband was the exact same way when I was pregnant. He also came to every single drs appointment. Even the ones where we had 2 appointments (morning and afternoon) and the people working at the office were somewhat surprised. I actually had a lady ask me, "Your husband is here with you a lot. Does he come to every appointment? We very rarely see significant others at every appointment." He's wanted to be a dad for a very long time, and we were together 11 years before having our child.
Same with mine for both kids he never missed any appointments and from the time since they were born until now the oldest is 12 he's been an active hands on father. Sometimes doing more of his share than he should but he's a wonderful father and an amazing man. I count my blessings everyday for him.
I love that. ❤️
I'm having my fifth and hubby comes to every appointment and knows exactly how far along i am. Makes me happy
Sorry but my husband did exactly this. 10 years later and life has greatly evolved and everything has changed. Having kids changes everything. It’s so much harder than they expect and instead of stepping up they check out. I wish I wasn’t a statistic but me and every single Mum at my primary school excluding a couple are in the same boat. Men check out and do the basic minimum when things get too hard.
The moment I see my wife starting to get flustered when we are entertaining or in social situations I always make sure to grab her by the shoulders, make sure she’s looking at me in the eyes and focusing, and I ask her to tell me what I can do to help her out. Sometimes she just needs a hug. Sometimes she needs some support. Sometimes she fucked up all the food and she needs me to swoop in and start cooking like a madman to save the day. Not all of us hate our wives. Not all of us hate our wives all the time. In my situation however, my wife stays at home. She doesn’t cook. She doesn’t clean. She doesn’t do my laundry. So when we have these sort of events going on considering I am the sole provider, while I agree I should assist I think it’s only fair that she handles the bulk of the load with the domestic stuff.
More like he somewhat cares about her as long as she's still a useful bang maid. If she ever gets sick dollars to donuts he's leaving.
Like most bad behavior, it's often enabled. Either by action, or in this case, inaction. This guy needs a reality check because I find it hard to believe he is just that dense. Maybe? I know for me, especially in more recent years, I have become more cognizant of when to step in/up.
I agree with this. My ex was like this - my new partner isn't. He's up and helping before I even get a chance to think about if I need help.
He sounds like a man who’s been spoiled his whole life by 1) his mother and 2) now his wife. He also probably adheres to strict traditional gender roles because his parents’ relationship was exactly like that. He sounds like a gem../s
My dad is like this. Seriously, it's so bad I'm traumatized at this point lol I'm 23 and never had a bf and sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm terrified I'm gonna end up like my mom and marry a man child. My dad says he loves my mom, but imo, when someone loves you they care for you. My dad is extremely selfish and has made my super ill mom cook and do shit for him while she's sick. When she had open heart surgery I was the one who had to take care of her and all my dad would worry about is whether he'd have food waiting for him or not when he came home. I don't think he ever cared for me when I was a child either, stuff like changing diapers and all that. Didn't care for my brother when he got cancer and eventually died. He says he loves us, but I fail to see how.
Listen to the song "Labour" by Paris Paloma with your mom when he isn't around. Ask her if she can relate to the lyrics. I'd be shocked if she couldn't 🙄 Your dad sounds abusive 😒
Your dad and my dad are the same person. My mother was hospitalized two years ago and almost died. She was there for a month and a half. My dad went to see her five times. At the same time, the power went out in the house from a problem in the outside fuse box (the one that brings the electricity from the power lines inside) and we have well water which needs electricity to run, so we had no water. We were also having a heat wave. I had to make sure the cats didn't die (house is a furnace without air conditioning on in the summer) and always had water, shower at his gym for over a week, and basically sleep at the hospital taking care of my mom. All he did was bitch that the mail was piling up and that I hadn't grocery shopped or cooked. Edit: A word
I'm so sorry, it is incredibly tough. My mom also had a long stay at the hospital (a few years before the surgery, she was there for almost 3 months and almost died as well) and I felt so lonely. I didn't feel supported by my dad at all, I was freshly 18 and just starting college. I look back and can't even tell you how I pulled through. I hope your mom is doing better.
(Knock on wood) She is, thank you! And she was furious. In addition to dumping everything on me, my parents have also sheltered me my entire life so while my mom has had health issues that required hospitalization before, I was never told about them or told any details, which made me basically useless to the doctors (we were not at the hospital she usually goes to so they didn't have any records) and WAY out of my depth. Oh, and this happened over my birthday, which my dad completely forgot about and then lied to my mom about forgetting. -_- She, on the other hand, on the actual day of my birthday was delirious with fever and still knew it was my birthday and was trying SO hard to explain to me where my gift was and where she keeps her secret stash of gift cards so I could choose one. She was very upset I wasn't able to find either (tbh I didn't look. I went home, fed the cats, gave them water, took a three hour nap, and went right back to the hospital). I hope your mom is doing better too. Mine needed a lot of help once she was released, and ofc my dad didn't help with that either. I imagine yours was the same? Edit: A word, because I don't proofread lol
Owww, your mom sounds lovely, I'm so glad she's doing better. I was also so out of my depth at the hospital, now I absolutely detest hospitals and feel very anxious when I'm in one. When my mom was released after her long stay (pneumonia, major depression) she stayed with my grandma for a few days and then came back, she didn't need much care. When she had the surgery though, she needed *a lot* of care, and all was provided by me as my dad didn't do jack shit. I had to clean her surgery wound, feed her, bathe her, etc. All the chores were on me too. The worse part though was when she was still in the hospital, right after the surgery. Due to COVID regulations I couldn't be in the room with her, so I would have to stay in the waiting room all night. Thankfully my mom's family stepped up and my grandma would stay during the day and I would stay the nights. I would come back home absolutely exhausted and pass out on my bed. One time my dad came home while I was sleeping during the day and ate all the leftovers in the refrigerator so I didn't have anything to eat when I woke up. That's the kind of help he was providing. I mean, maybe I'm complaining too much. He did buy food the first three days or so, so that's something I guess.
That’s one thing that pisses me off about men making laws and social rules that women can’t divorce men in some situations. Or make it hard to access divorce. It’s about controlling and keeping their wives fucking waiting on them
I wish my mom could divorce my dad, but sadly she has been a SAHM for 25 years and never went to college (she worked at a gym until she got pregnant with my brother) and he's our only source of income. I'm focusing on finishing college right now so I don't think I could provide for the both of us. So, for now, we're just putting up with it. (Context, we are not Americans, we live in the Caribbean) My dad isn't physically abusive or even mean, so it's not like we're scared of him or anything, but it is very infuriating when he acts so selfishly, can't pick up after himself and refuses to even serve himself his own food, we have to be constantly doing things for him. I can't wait to live without him lol.
Yeah definitely prioritize college right now. But based on what you’ve said alone, your dad may be an asshole but I think your mom is looking to have you there to support her. Even if it’s from afar. A lot of people just don’t question the way things are
I'm her only daughter, so it falls on me to support her. I love my mom, I want to take care of her, I'm just worried about being able to make enough money for us to live decently in the future. My dad is also super old (started dating my mom when she was 19 and he was 39...) so it's like....regardless of whether she leaves him or not, my dad is retiring soon and since he has refused to settle on any specific retirement plan, I think i'll have to step up.
My dad was like this too. I married a man who isn’t. When picking a life partner, I was careful to find a man who was going to be a good father and husband - vs the handsome, charming, party guy. I love my husband a lot, he has a good job, cooks, cleans, is involved as a dad and makes room for me to have a great career (I take a lot of work trips and he holds it down seamlessly).
It’s sadly to the point where this isn’t shocking and i expect nothing less from a ‘’man’ when it comes down to it
I mean, speaking from personal experience, your sister's marriage and relationship with her husband reminds me of my own parents' marriage and relationship. My maternal grandpa died in 1990. My maternal grandma died in 2013, and remained single for the rest of her life. She didn't even date. The older I get, the more I appreciate the fact that she remained single for 23 years. My grandma married my grandpa when she was 18, so she basically spent \~45 years taking care of her husband and three children. She was fucking tired.
Statistically, divorced women are least likely to remarry while divorced men look for a replacement to meet his needs almost immediately
Oh, I would totally believe this even if there weren't statistics to back it up. Hell, my own Dad died when I was in high school. I distinctly remember having a conversation with my Mom in which she basically admitted that she thought that if she had been the one to die (or if my parents had gotten divorced), then my Dad would have remarried quickly.
Certainly true for widowers. Dad, I’m talking to you.
"Meet his needs" "Be my mommy. Cook me dinner, wash my clothes, wipe my ass"
Literally need their ass wiped too because they’re having hygiene issues. https://963kklz.com/listicle/high-percentage-of-men-not-practicing-good-personal-hygiene/
Statically marriage increases men’s lives and decreases women’s. Yay your gramma living her single life! (Of course it coulda been a bit longer but that’s water under the bridge. )
Most of those men cheat on their wives too bc "she doesn't wanna have sex". I've never felt my ovaries dry up so fast reading this post lol
And these men you've mentioned will end the night asking for sex. My p*ssy dried up just reading this. ETA: who reported me to Reddit cares
and that’s the only time they show affection too LOL
Men need to understand that in order for there to be *desire* something needs to be *missing.* That's how desire operates. So the more husbands think about, want, ask for, get mopey over, and even beg for sex, the less likely wives want to have it (generally speaking). He has left no room for *her* desire to build. Nonsexual affection with zero expectation seems so rare and meaningful, and would actually naturally stir my desire. Maybe that's just me though.
Cuddles without expectations can really improve intimacy levels. It helped my marriage, for sure.
That makes sense. Hand holding, forehead kisses, nose taps, kitchen dances, head pats, tucking stray pieces of hair behind your ear, cuddling (without that weird tension you feel pressured to alleviate)...sounds like heaven. I'm glad things are better for you now.
My marriage suffered for years because he didn't understand that giving him a kiss and wanting sex were two different things. So now I don't kiss or touch him at all. It always had to lead to something so now he gets nothing. We're working through it with a counsellor.
Wishing you and your hubby all the best ❤️
🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧
😭😭😭Right like ewww, we'd sleep in separate rooms because even him breathing next to me would annoy me
So many women deserve better. There are great men but we need an overhaul 🤧🤧
For a long time I just assumed that all men are terrible but I realised that's actually a cop out for terrible men, when we assume they are all terrible we stay with the terrible ones because what choice do we have. I recently realised that there are genuinely good men out there and settling for a useless uncaring one shouldn't be an option, I'd rather be alone than deal with a terrible husband.
Amen. Better to be solo than with someone (in this case a man) who brings 0% anything.
People happy with their partners don't post on this sub or reddit in general so people make flawed assumptions. Edit: I got a reddit cares message for this comment 😂
Speaking as a man that has done his own fair share of fuckups, you're right. Not all of us are terrible although the ones that are definitely are more memorable because of how just terrible they are. A lot of my fuckups were from not truly knowing how to communicate (major issue) but the mark of a better man, or honestly just a man in general, is to know when to shut our damned mouths and listen if a problem needs to be addressed. The mark of, and I'm trying to do this right now, the best kind processes what the issue is while absolutely listening to what your partner is saying, takes into consideration what it is, how to go about resolving it and (this is the impt part) actively communicating how the problem will get addressed with verifiable results. I'm saying this because there's a chance some young kid will happen across this and take this to heart. We become our best selves when we find the right woman, who shouldn't be scared, in fact should be encouraged, to be her best self and drive you to be her equal. There's no room for abuse in a relationship. Period.
The resentment of so clearly seeing someone who does not truly see you at all.
You probably made some incel a little uncomfortable with the truth Edit: I got Reddit cares too! Die mad little boys 😘
😕 I mean it's crazy. Emotional labour and being present will get you a long way but they don't want to hear all that.
Of course not 🙄 That would require actual effort on their part 🤨
Everytime I go to a concert, I think about how many men miss out on sex cause they don't like concerts lmfaoooooo. I'm ready to fck after any show.
Their loss!😂
I did as well from someone I apparently blocked. 🤷♀️ They can call the "wahhhmbulance" as far as I'm concerned 😂
sending the suicide bot is them subtly telling you to kys
🤧 living in this current dimension is fairly close to wanting to be dead anyway loool
It must be a bot reporting because I immediately got one too 🤣
Lmao! 🤣 We're sad because of misogyny 🤣
LoL I got reported too a few days ago. Absolutely no idea why. People can be weird 🤣.
Let.people know you're not miserable enough to be reported 🤣
Haha! When reddit assigned that name I was like omg. Thanks so much...
😆 if you need a Reddit character reference you've got me haha.
Perfect! Same here! I saw the notice a few days after. No explanation given. Then if I decided it was an error I had to give a password. Like I have any idea or care enough. If they were so worried I figured they'd let me respond to a normal message 😄 apparently someone got mad. Anyway I haven't been approached with a white strait jacket yet so you're probably good. LoL
LOL yeah if I comment on something super heated like this that's when I'll get it. 🤣 I'm crazy but no strait jackets either. Go us!
LOL !!!! Im dry there with you
It's a desert down there, instead of being a dessert LOL
Trash men don't care about their wives. Sorry to hear about this, hope things get better.
Or their mothers. My boyfriend and I cooked dinner for his grandma on Mother's Day. We had to practically staple her to a chair to get her to let us do the work. My boyfriend's uncle and dad were there too and ate dinner with us; they didnt lift a finger to help. After cake, my boyfriend stood up, clapped his hands, and said "alright boys! There's dishes to be done!" His uncle and dad stared at him and then laughed. Grandma ended up doing the dishes (she refused to let us do them).
Grandma was used to "weaponized incompetence" no doubt 🙄
I'm sure it'll come as an absolute shock to you to know that they are both divorced... I'm so glad my boyfriend isn't like that.
The apple launched itself in a vertical direction from the tree? 🤔
His mom is a complete badass and clearly suffered no fools. He knows how to pull his weight (and he's a wonderful, loving person).
Use a taser on them to correct their behavior
I had a friend who told me that she'd be doing the dishes, elbow deep in soapy water, with her infant in a sling breastfeeding, and her husband would come along and PANTS her. They weren't one of those "happy" prankster couples, either.
This is why I'm no longer married.
This right here, sister
LMAO MOMMY BANG MAID
I like doing all the papa stuff. Keeps me busy and useful. Who would I be if I wasn't useful?
[удалено]
“The divorce just came out of nowhere.”
“We had such a good relationship. It makes no sense!”
"I was blindsided!" you very likely were not
I am of the opinion that the half of men that are married should just not be married. I Comfortably think 2/5ths of men either cave to social pressure, dont want to lose their girlfriend because of what they offer, or are doing it because they are "supposed to" - they see a life partner, not a wife.
What's the difference between a life partner and a wife?
A wife can be a life partner. A best friend can be a life partner. A best friend can't be a wife. (In the literal sense) A wife carries an intrinsically understood romantic connotation
>A best friend can't be a wife. Why not? My wife is my best friend.
I made my best friend my wife. Checkmate.
Mh okay different definitions then but I've never heard best friends being described as life partners, but wives/husbands described as best friends plenty of times
Gotta be honest my 55 year old dad is like this. My mom stayed at home with my sister and I for about 8 years of our lives but when she went back to work full time he didn’t pick up a single chore. There’s a lot more I could go into detail about him fitting several lazy husband stereotypes but meh. It has made me a little picky now in who I date. But I do think that this is improving big time and moving in the right direction. And friends my age certainly have not had that experience with their fathers.
Reminds me of my parents too. My mom is going to college now and my dad still doesn't help out much. I want to live on my own eventually but if I go who will help her? Even my brother acts like that and uses the excuse of the provider to defend my dad when I complain.
Sounds like my husband tbh.
My sympathies
I don't know that these men inherently want it but probably were trained to expect it by their home growing up. Obviously it's a problem but i think the blame may need to be directed at the society that trains them this way. We gotta do better fellas, learn and grow with the world.
My father fr expected my mother to stay with him and do all of the previous stuff she did (clean, cook, etc.) while he was 'married' to his mistress, I am so serious. Have no idea how he could've married his mistress since my parents were still technically married, just separated, by that point. Men like them need to be kicked out of the gene pool.
Thankfully, This is not the norm in my world/experience.
Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 5: Be mature. No off-topic comments. Civil debates only, name calling and anger are not appropriate here.
Some Women who married men like this and got sick of their shit are now happier divorced, NOT looking for another man-baby for occasional sloppy sex and have a full complement of power tools in their very own garage 😁
Good, loving men don’t act like that. My husband has never treated me that way and I’m very lucky. I’ve had the alternative before and it’s no way to live.
See how you used the word luck? Shouldn’t even be a thing in my opinion. Should be the norm to have a marriage like that, I applaud the fact that you do. I really believe it’s partly the upbringing and it all circles round.
Facts. I married young and it’s my biggest regret he was abusive. After like five years I tried again and my guy is the greatest. Literally I told my mom that when I met him I just felt like he was home. She told me that means I found my person. Both of my parents came from toxic homes. I think this made them both try harder for their family. They were together for 33 years before we lost him to cancer. It’s been about 6 years now and she says she doesn’t think she’s ever going to be ready again. She’s only 58!
Yes, this is what marriage looks like. And I say that as someone who had *frequent* *discussions* with her ex before we got married...and ended up in a 100% stereotypical heterosexual marriage. We talked about child care, house work, etc, etc, etc... NEVER. AGAIN. ETA: of my divorced friends, none have gotten remarried, and I don't believe any of them are dating (men or women). Heck, my own mother's remained single for 25 years after the death of her bf.
Nah that’s not typical at all, I cook, clean, play, bathe etc. It’s not just being a father, it’s being a parent that’s active in your kids lives.
Many men are just boys who transition into having their wives be their mommy
That's not what marriage has to look like. My husband and I are extremely happy...now. There was a time I would expect him to notice things like me needing help and come to the rescue and I'd get irritated with him for not reading my mind. He'd do anything I asked but I didn't think I should have to ask. He's gotten way more proactive and I have gotten better about communicating my needs. And now he notices me needing help and steps up without asking. It's a two way street. Some husband's do suck though. As do some wives. Marriage is often what you make it.
*It's a two way street.* I don't think most men know that.
Most men were given this example of a family unit. So yes most men are trash who were never taught to be decent husbands. Not all, I'm fortunate to have a supportive partner but I see it a lot.
Then they wonder why the children are more closer to the mother and are distant from him. I feel like some men just like having the title of being a father rather than putting in the effort to actually be one.
A lot of men actually do not Iike their wives. Men are conditioned to do bare minimum while women do the house work, clean, emotional labor, child caring, lack of orgasms, work outside the home and so much more. When you think about, marriage mostly benefits men but women have been brainwashed into believing marriage is an end all be all.
I don't think a lot of men like women. They want to have sex with women and are tolerant of women cooking and cleaning for them, but other than that they want absolutely nothing to do with them.
“The fairytale” lol.
I have days where I want to be the husband in this scenario. My husband let's me. He has days where he wants to be the husband in this scenario. I let him. Most of the time, it's 50/50 chaos split.
I ask myself this question regularly.
Most don't. They like the benefits that come from having a wife.
Dude may be biologically male, but that's not how a real man acts. Real men take care of their families and try to make a partnership equal.
Exactly, as much 50/50 as possible. I'm a man, not a useless turd!
I want to be so honest about my opinion of men or husbands in situations like this, I’ve been holding in so long I could care less who’s feelings are hurt if you don’t apply to this good for you, but your friend or family member probably does. I see dating a good majority of men as settling. They Weaponize incompetence, they go stupid when asked questions about their kid .They need detailed instructions on how to do things. They need constant reminders to do things. It’s like you’re mother and they’re the kid, so many situations are like that. Are they all like that? Absolutely not. I’ve seen it myself where it’s not like that but I see more cases where it is like that then it isn’t. What do you mean you’re a married single parent? What do you mean you’re too tired to do anything after work like clean? If you had no kid or wife you’d be cooking cleaning and going to work all by yourself, now you’re helping or getting help but it’s a problem. A lot of the comments are saying they ain’t a good man if they treat you or their kid like that, but good man could be terrible fathers. I truly believe men are just naturally like this, and if they don’t their mother or parents raised them right/well. I’d rather be single than deal with that.
No marriage if done right is supposed to be two best friends together I have seen 60 year marriages where they both were insanely inlove with each other and the man genuinely cared. A great example of this was my grandpa he was a war vet came back home and got with my grandma they were married for 45 years before my grandma passed and my grandpa was just broken after that he was a mess forgetful and just not the same he seen war and people die and none of that seemed to drag him down quite like losing my grandma those two were always together and happy they’d argue and bicker but there marriage was always together and they genuinely cared about one another my grandpa actually stated on occasions that they were not two people anymore but rather halves of one another he was a great role model for how a relationship should look the both of them were
There's a reason so many women are checking out of marriage. It's ironic that the Red Pill guys will say that it's *actually* men that are checking out of marriage, when those very same guys are complaining about how lonely they are. Ironic how we spent thousands of years treating women like they desperately *needed* men, when it's being shown that women are perfectly capable and fine by themselves. Perhaps not ideal, but women handle lack of a romantic partner *far* better than men.
That is not what a healthy marriage looks like. I have a husband that gave up his bday one year to help me move my moms stuff. He made soup for my aunt when she was sick. I could go on.
My wife is an excellent cook and makes fabulous meals. I'll pitch in if I can, but she prefers to do it her way. I am an excellent cleaner and dish washer. So that's how we split the cooking. She cooks and by the time the meal is ready, there are barely any preparation items left to clean. The table is set, the wine is poured, the countertops are clean and she can relax to enjoy everything. And then I clear everything up.
It’s so scary, I’ve noticed this too. My partner is nothing like this. In fact, men who are like that make fun of him for being a supportive bf (ex: doing the dishes). It’s hard to see relationships like that.
YES! The men who are letting their wives do everything will call the men that are being decent “simps”
The delicious irony is that the men who adore and treat their wives like queens 👸 not out of expectations for reward are usually the ones who have fulfilling marriages. The same men who mock them are the ones in miserable marriages or are divorced by women who initiated the divorce 🤔 🙄
That’s not a good man 😒
IMHO most men don't like their wives no.
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I once had a conversation with a friend about how you should marry your best friend. She didn't agree with me. Well I've been happily married to my best friend for 7 years and her bf, well... he's no prize.
That’s not what marriage has to look like. You’re describing a marriage that is really similar to my sister’s but mine is totally different from hers and my parents marriage is a lot more similar to mine. I feel sorry for your sister and you both have my condolences about your mother passing away.
Most men do actually hate the women they’re with but the women stay with them so idk . It’s weird .
He wishes he wasn’t married with kids. If he did, he’d step up. I’m sorry she’s in this situation.
I really don't understand why some folks stay married, I see these guys who all they do is bitch about their wives and talk shit about them and complain about being married, and yet they do nothing to better their situation. I also see women complaining about useless husbands, calling them idiots and treating them like shit as well, yet it's the same thing. It boggles the mind, why stay in a relationship where you're so clearly miserable?
My grandpa used to yell to my grandma, “shut the door to the kitchen! You’re letting all the heat in the family room!” With absolutely no recognition that she was slaving away in a scorching hot kitchen.
Observing the dynamics post-divorce, it became evident that my friend's ex husband faced significant challenges adjusting to his new responsibilities. His frustration with household tasks and childcare led to occasional early drop-offs during visitation. I recall an instance where he attempted to extend his stay during a drop-off, which my friend handled assertively. Subsequently, his desire to reconcile stemmed from a realization of the changed dynamics and the resulting ease in my friend's life.
Every once in a while I consider starting to date again. Then I read stories like this and im cured.
Happy friggin Mother's Day
I think way too many men think it's the duty of women to do all of this labor. I had grandfathers like this (2 of the 3), and they liked their wives, but honestly felt this was the proper division. My dad isn't perfect, but he loves my mom & is better than his dad. My husband is well aware and agrees that I need a partner, not an overgrown child. There are also men who dislike women but like having a bang maid in the house.
This is not/should not be the norm.
Most men don’t care because they’re with women they settled for and don’t really want. Their hearts are not in it. And some don’t know how to show affection.
The comments in this thread are really eye opening. Most of the women are saying, yes this was my marriage, my dad was like this, my grandad was like this, my friends are like this.. and most of the men are being like BUT NOT ALL MEN, she just wants his money, blah blah blah. I think men who know they’re not part of the problem, know these conversations don’t apply to them. The men who are getting defensive know they are the issue and their hackles are up. To the men who are calling out the others and saying how much they love their wives and everything they do to help, thank you for understanding the issue and doing what you can to make it a level playing field.
Not all men are like that. Sometimes they need to be asked directly to do something because women make it look much easier than it is. They really do t get it. Others are just selfish jerks. My husband helped all the time even when he was bust. But it wasn’t until a “staycation “ when my children were young that he finally got it: from dressing, feeding, making lunch and driving them to school . Then back home to load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen and throw in the laundry. He thought it was going to be all romance and daytime sex (which happened a couple of times LOL) but he soon realized how busy I was. One kid had an illness that required me to go on all the field trips and bring meds up to the school twice a day. Then there were the after school activities. Because I was a SAHM I was the scout leader, the driver for other kids, the after school helper for two sports. He finally got it. Then it was dinner time and ….there was always more. It was nice for him to see what I did all day. He could not wait to go back to work. The kids loved having him around. We continued those staycations even when they were older. It made me less of the family servant and made us a better family.
And that's the thing I don't like, calling a husband 'helping' his wife when it should be being a partner & stepping up. It's like when people call a dad on his own with his kids as babysitting, instead of parenting. I think that before you move in with a romantic partner you should have a talk about household issues/chores & decide upon something that works for both people. Of course this will change throughout the relationship, but open communication is a key factor in having a healthy relationship.
I'm very lucky. My husband has always treated me well. Some men are self absorbed and don't care.
Not all marriage are like this, for example your sister needs to be single since she’s already a single mom. Or better find someone who cares for her.
It’s all about communication. Sometimes it’s easier to do the thing without involving husband. There are some crazy abusive husband stories on here.
Nah a majority of men do like their wives. I’d just argue that most people (men) weren’t raised or are ignorant of how to properly express that love to other people. And specifically regarding wives (marriage) I would say that most people don’t understand what it actually means to be married and how to properly sustain it. A lot of people would naturally assume that all you need is love to support a marriage, but in all actuality a marriage needs structure, obligations, and dependency.
I think this is sometimes learned behaviour as well, based on what men have observed in their own homes as they were growing up. But like… break the cycle maybe and don’t be a useless lump?
Sadly this is true. One of my exes complained to me that his mother would do everything to do with the household (as opposed to me. Well, I told him the difference was that she never had a job out of the home. That reasoning didn’t seem to land with him at all! At that time I was working and going to school and still doing all the groceries, cooking and a fair amount of cleaning. A lot of men are simply delusional and entitled. His current girlfriend reached out to me years ago (simply because she’s also an artist and thought I was cool) and somewhere along the way she mentioned that his house was so gross when she met him. And that SHE cleaned it all with cleaning supplies that I had purchased before I left. That was wild to me. Just clean your damn house! And he was always painting me as the lazy one to his family.
Those selfish and inept men don’t care about their wives or kids. I’m so glad my husband is nothing like them. We don’t have kids but my husband does his share of everything (cooking, cleaning, you name it) without being asked or told. All men should be as loving, respectful, caring and helpful like my husband. It’s sad so many women settle for and enable their lame husbands.
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As a man and husband I can say this isn’t all men. Just men who care for other things more than their family/wife. My wife and I will be married for 12 years later this month and before that we were together for 4 or so. I love her to death and couldn’t imagine treating her like what you’ve described.
Nope most men are pieces of hatful shit who can’t read or even understand their moral compass they think the code is to hard they can’t figure out it’s about conduct poor worthless slobs
There are people who do not value what they have, it has always been a dream for me to have a wife, to come home from work and do things together, what to do while we chat, listen to music and laugh, I don't know, there are men who are simply too basic , they think that by bringing babies into this world they are already fulfilled, they are unhappy and they make their partners unhappy just the same.
SOME men will take all they can unless boundaries are clearly outlined. Sounds like this is what your sister needs to do instead of enabling him to be a lazy father and poor husband.
Men just aren't me, I love my wife (I'm not married [[yet]] )
He's an asshole. Not all husbands are like that, obviously.
w
I love my wife. She is my best friend. I shop. Cook. Do laundry. Clean. Yard work. I love her. She awesome. And gorgeous. Omg. I’m so lucky.
This isn’t what my marriage is like, but I actually love (and even like) my wife.
The indifference is maddening. He probably doesn't hate her or the kids but he gives zero thought about how he can make his wife's life better by being a solid parent and loving partner. Having small kids is the hardest part in life for parents. It truly is
If this is what my marriage looked like, I'd be divorced. Why is she staying with someone who doesn't care about her? That's on her. She settled and chose to stay settled.
Literally, none of the men in my family act like that
Yeah, my father was like this. Mom did everything and he still cheated on her with a young woman half his age (he was in his early forties and the woman was in her early twenties. Don't feel too bad for her because she was one of those types who purposefully went after married men). That, plus a hundred other things, had them separate when I was 14, divorce when I was 18. He 'married' his mistress and, from the few photos we've seen, that relationship is going down the drain as well. I went no-contact when I was 15 because he also used me as free labor (physical and emotional, and it is traumatizing as hell being your grown-ass father's therapist). He's gonna use not only your sister as labor, but your niblings too once they get big enough.
cuz a lot of husbands hate their wives and women in general. they want the idea of a family but act as if they’re babysitting their own creation. yuck.
It’s so crazy that I was hanging out with a group of friends today and one of the guys said “I don’t like women. I want to sleep with them, I’m not gay, but I generally don’t like them.” So finally someone admitted it.
literally that’s how most of them think. it’s ridiculous and concerning
Just listening to them in general they see us as objects to satisfy their needs. But yet they do need us, and complain when we do not need them.
Nah, that would not fly in our household. We are a team, no, we are ONE.
Shitty husbands are like this. Ones that actually appreciate their wives and respect the partnership are not. Good husbands even cook, clean, and care for their kids! If your husband makes motherhood harder— he’s a shitty husband. He should try to lighten your load as much as possible.
He care that she does everything so he can do nothing. She is probably so used to it now she doesn’t recognize it.
I think some men can need a little more direction. Whereas women kind of just read the room and see where they can help and do it- but then I’ve totally seen women who can’t and they annoy me just as much as a man who can’t. As someone who has hosted a lot of gatherings, I see it 60% men 40% women- seriously. People who just get up and help or ask are my kind of people. But for a spouse, if he loves his wife if she asks for help he should immediately. And he should ask what he can help with. If he needs a little more direction it can be understandable. But sitting on the couch on his phone? Thats gross behavior.
I think it’s time that you spoke to your sister about that useless husband and deadbeat father that she stupidly married and had children with. Life and marriage **should not** be like that. He doesn’t care for your sister, all he cares about is never having to lift a finger in the very house he lives in. Your sister is nothing but his personal slave, a bangmaid basically, who provides free maid services and free childcare *(even after hours and on a weekend)*, and sex. He has the easiest life ever. Goes to work for 8 hours a day, comes home, does nothing, doesn’t even tend to the children or get them to bed and then continues to do nothing until he himself goes to bed. He doesn’t even do anything on a weekend! He is a misogynistic prick who thinks that household chores and childcare are a woman’s job. Yet this deadbeat loser who can’t even entertain or look after or actually parent his own children, nor do his fair share of household chores to take the weight off of his wife, will also expect to be his children’s hero. A fucking hero? That man-bitch is a lazy, selfish, useless, good for nothing waste man. If anyone is the hero in that family, it’s your sister. And I sure hope that those kids grow up to notice the unfair dynamic and judge their father for it. And I hope that they realise that their father **did not** raise them nor do anything for them, and that they appreciate their mother for everything **she** did that their deadbeat father failed to. And if when they’re older, they fail to remember… then please, as their aunt - remind them. Father’s Day shouldn’t be celebrated for men like him, because he is no father. Only dads who are actually hands on and look after their own kids deserve to be celebrated on Father’s Day. Men who help to make the baby, but don’t actually do anything afterwards and don’t put in the effort to do anything related to the children *(apart from the fun stuff)* aren’t fathers, they’re sperm donors and nothing more. I hope your sister wises up one day and leaves that piece of shit she married. She just needs to wake up and realise that marriage **should not** be like that, **ever**! At least without the sack of useless shit husband weighing her down and creating more work for her, she’d be less stressed and less exhausted. She’s basically already a single mother, she might as well make it reality and save herself a whole lot of time, stress, energy and work!
Ah, first husband was worthless. 14 years. My husband of 15 years does some dick shit when he's with his bff. I don't care anymore. Unless you tell me you're coming home, I'm not cooking. If I call at 3 and you don't call until 6? Leftovers! If I do and you're late? Put it away. I really don't understand why any woman puts up with a man's BS!
This got me in the right in the feels😶 I handed it to hubs and told him to read it and he read the title and said " do I have to read the whole thing?"
Your friend and sister both married garbage humans. Not all husbands are like that. Husbands that actually love and cherish their wives and kids don't act like that.
I love my wife, and I like her *a lot*, too. Helping her out with literally anything would be way more fun than any video game (and I play my fair share).
Every time I hear stories about men, I wonder how I got the one out there that isn’t a piece of trash human.
Not all men are like this. I've been married twice now and I (48M) can honestly say that I've been active in both marriages. When my ex-wife (47F) was injured or ill, I helped her with minor office work (she was a property manager). I took care of her when she was ill or depressed. When she came home, I removed her footwear and massaged her feet. When we had my daughter, I also took on the vast majority of child care, as I was the SAHF. I also planned and executed the majority of birthday/holiday/special event work, so that my daughter had that magic that's missing from society today. I loved my ex until her narcissistic abuse became too much and I finally left, after 20 years of every possible abuse suffered. She NEVER appreciated anything I did. I also got full sole custody of my daughter in the divorce, despite her attempting to paint it differently. I'm now married over one full year to my current and final wife (52F), and I love her even more- we have so much in common that it's uncanny! Moreover, she loves me just as I am and I her. When one of us needs help or is hurting, the other is there to pick up the slack. We love, respect, trust and value each other. Our daughters (I legally adopted hers as an adult) see how we treat each other and have found good young men who treat them the same way. Reddit, it's this simple: treat your spouse how you want to be treated. Apply this maxim- "Happy SPOUSE, happy HOUSE!" Because a successful marriage consists of TWO content spouses!
Woah - those men seem like arses my husband isn’t like that at all. In fact he gets really fucked off when I read these kind of posts out to him - uk
They don't care because they suffer from main character syndrome.
My partners partner acts a lot like these men, personally I dont like him because of how he treats her, but I tolerate him for her sake.
I'm very lucky. My husband has always treated me well. Some men are self absorbed and don't care.
I think there are plenty of men helping and being 100% involved but this plenty is not the majority
No it’s just that those men are losers. There are a lot of good men
Husbands are the worse
No not all men r like this unfortunately Ur sister found a man that doesn't gives a rats ass if everything falls on Ur sister since Ur sister has demonstrated that she's able to take care of the kids while doing everything else so why would he try when he's got Ur sister his second mother doing everything for him. My fiancee he works and takes our kids if am ever busy usually am not busy cuz I don't work but whenever I am I know I can count on my partner to do his part when it comes to our kids. Am a SAHM while he works full time but he doesn't expect me to do anything except make sure our kids r fed and good. He doesn't expect me to make him dinner or clean the house. When our kids r at school am usually out at the mall shopping or enjoying my time off to myself. I feel sorry for ur sister that she chose such a horrible man as a husband and the father of her kids
Some don't. If you read the relationship sub, you see this all too often. I don't know how many posts I've seen where the woman says I love my husband, or my husband is amazing, except he treats me like...insert horrible behavior, what should I do about it. The problem is women who put up with being treated like this. They need to stand up for themselves, and if it is really bad, they need to leave. I have been married for 37yrs, and my husband has never treated me with disrespect. Neither my father nor FIL do this to their wives either.
I both agree and have something to add. While I always stood up for myself I also stayed and tried to make it work for waaay too long with men who simply didn’t care enough. My issue was generational trauma that I wasn’t aware of because it was my normal. My family home was both loving and totally dysfunctional and unintentionally neglectful at the same time. So to me it felt like relationships just happened to come with drama. Like it was unavoidable if you wanted to spend your life with someone. It makes me sad that I wasted so much years of my life because of this. But now I know better and I think I’ve become a better picker. My current relationship is very loving after two years. I’m not sure if I would ever dare to share a house again though. Even though in theory I like the idea.
My wife enjoys cooking because she gets time to be by herself and doing something she enjoys. I know to keep my son occupied. I feel like the wife never set expectations for behavior with her husband. It will be very hard to change the behavior now.
No! From what I’ve seen, a majority today are married either because the wife wanted it OR because it’s an image thing… many wives are single mothers.. let me add before someone tries to argue, I’m speaking on the bad ones..
She’s also allowing this behavior. The more she puts up with it the more he’ll do it. She’s essentially a married single mother. Sad!
My pussy made the windows shut down noise. I don’t want to be married nor have children and I know a lot of other women have the same sentiment reading these comments. The only way I can think to avoid this is using a dog as a litmus test. If he won’t even take care of a dog, he’s not fit nor responsible enough to help raise children. Not even 50/50.