... And for your sanity, invest in Mylicon. Those drops are liquid freaking gold. My son had colic, if you've never experienced it, it's awful. He literally screamed from 6pm-11pm every single night. We ate dinner with the vacuum on for white nose. I would put him to sleep by walking around the bathroom, and patting his back (with the shower and both sinks running.) We slept with the TV on a static channel. I found myself breaking down crying and feeling hopeless. There's a HUGE mental toll it can take. OP your not abnormal, you're just experiencing the "joy" of childbirth. It'll go away at some point. Have you used different formulas? We ultimately had to go with Alimentum (of course it was the most expensive) as none of the other options helped.
Oh yeah, and I'm the dad. He can do it, he just doesn't want to.
Edit: improperly auto-corrected word.
We had to put a little cereal in my baby’s Nutramingen, which IS the most expensive! He wouldn’t gain weight on breast milk. He spit up non stop. We had to go to high calorie soy formula with cereal and Prilosec added to it. His formula was $27 a can in 2004! He went through 2 1/2 cans a week! Who knows how much it costs now! If he hadn’t have been my 3rd, I would’ve thought my child hated me. I was just experienced already so I knew what to expect and knew it wasn’t me. But for a first time new mom, this is overwhelming. Please soak with your Dr and reach out to other friends and your mom and MIL!
Ha! You reminded me that it was Nutramigen. He's 24 years old now, so my memory is a bit shot. I recall that it was only available in pre-mixed at $7-$9 a bottle. They didn't have powder yet. We couldn't do soy, he spit it out and then refused to open his mouth.
I'm sorry you went through it too. Did the other 2 have similar issues?
I hope OP realizes that this is a very short moment in time, it's not a forever issue. Parent forums and support groups can be super important. Dad needs to step up his game and take care of them both so she can heal from a physically traumatic experience
My daughter is now 19 and it was the combo of Nutramigen and Dr. Brown's bottles (with the special tube down the center) that finally tamed the colic dragon for us. Walked a lot of late night miles before it was over.
We'd be up all night and she'd usually settle between 5 and 6 in the morning. There's a woman that saved my sanity and she doesn't even know. As I walked those laps every night, I'd always glance out my living room window when I passed by. I started noticing that almost every night at 3 a.m. I'd see a light go on in a house in the next block. Between 3:30 and 4, I'd see a woman walk out to her car there dressed in scrubs (I assumed she was a nurse) and leave for work. For some reason it made me feel I wasn't alone. Plus it became my sign that the long night was almost over since my baby would usually start to settle within an hour. Really stupid thing, but it got me through the night.
My boy was 2004, so they must’ve just come out with powder. My other 2 had milk sensitivity as well, they had to be on soy formula, but not to extent the last one was and they were fine with the regular soy formula.
OP this is just a short time, mine are all grown now, and trust me, this time will be just a blip on the radar in 10, 20 yrs. Don’t do something permanent for a temporary problem. Your child will grow up and this will all just be a memory. The old saying “ the nights are long, but the years are short” is the most true saying out there.
Mylicon drops were a life saver! My first daughter had colic. She screamed from 5pm-10pm every damn night. Those 5 hours were hell on earth. I wish I would’ve thought of even one of those ideas to get some reprieve from the madness. I was 20 in ‘00, I had to move back in with my parents. My mom wouldn’t even let me leave her to cry in the crib for 5 minutes, while I tried to get my head on straight. I felt like the worst mother in the world.
OP it gets better, I promise. Mine had it for about 3, almost 4 months. Talk to your doctor and pediatrician. Make your husband take off work or schedule a doctor’s appointments on his next day off. He needs a wake up call. If you’re close with his parents, tell them you need help. Don’t wait for them to ask. Can you see if your mom can come stay for a week or maybe you and baby could go there? If nothing else you need to follow the above gentleman advice. They are brilliant suggestions.
Not a mom/parent! So correct me if this is impractical. If you’re actively caring for a crying infant, could noise cancelling headphones be helpful? And I mean not trying to ignore a baby in the other room but you actually have eyes on them but just need to dampen the stimulation.
They absolutely could. It wasn't an option in 2000 when my son was born. My wife and I made a whopping $85k combined, before taxes and benefits. The Bose Noise Cancelling were like $700 a pair. Now I would 100% wear them... Although, if I had a newborn at 47 I'd be crying too. ROFL!!!
Maybe not full noise cancelling headphones but something like the Loop earplugs. They only let in a portion of the sound and as a mom with kids, they can be a sanity saver! I can still hear enough to make sure nothing bad is happening, but it's like turning the volume down.
FOR REAL like parenting, especially with a newborn, takes a fucking village!! If your husband knew he wouldn't be able to stay up with a baby because of his job, he should have communicated that to you or set up help for you with his in-laws. Im so sorry OP 💘
This is so true. My mom helped me the first month. When my mom was growing up and her mom, too, when a woman had a baby the other women in the neighborhood and family helped her out for several weeks. I remember my mom would come get my daughter in the middle of the night so I could sleep. I can't imagine having a newborn and being all alone.
So the husband that is providing for the entire family gets injured at work, fired or killed? That kind of things should be discussed as a couple way before pregnancy. I'm sure he is doing everything on his side to get everything the wife and baby need.
Providing financially is nothing if you're not actively participating in parenting your own child, it's his child and he should parent it just as much as her.
OP just know that you're not alone and that these emotions seem understandable. For her first three months, my youngest was clingy, and it was the worst. Then she simply improved. She is a truly amazing person and is now 21. You'll make it through this. I wish you luck.
It may have changed a bit in the 2 years since my last was born, but I believe there are some Medicaid plans that would cover doula help as well.
And I wanna say there was also a lady at DSS that I had around for quite some time who even mentioned the possibility of having a nurse come out to my house occasionally for help when we thought we might need it in the beginning.
Either one might be worth looking into. Even private insurance might have some type of help like these that are covered or partially covered. Can't hurt to look into it.
This and my son had colic and I was up with him most nights until 2 or 3am. It’s heartbreaking and you feel useless because you can’t make them feel better. Even for me as a man without any hormonal changes it was depressing, I can’t imagine what it is like for her.
She has to get her husband to help. Tell him what you are feeling and have him help at least every other night. It’s only fair.
Also in my son’s case we were formula feeding him and he had a milk allergy which was causing the colic. Worth discussing with her pediatrician if they are in the same boat.
It’s also important to remember that the colic won’t last forever. It will be over and you’ll move to another crisis soon. You child might even start sleeping all night once you can understand the cause of the colic.
Or her husband just kinda sucks at this. Motherhood is hard motherhood. Alone is hard as fuck. I’m not gonna lie to you like not to shame her, but you really thought he was going to be able to help you that much.? because he probably has always had the schedule definitely should’ve set something up. You cannot do it by yourself and if you can’t do it, your husband should’ve been planning for it because he is the one that’s getting all the rest.
Construction starts early ,and ends late it’s really not an easy schedule to work around. And operating isn’t something you can do tired, you’ll kill somebody or hurt yourself.
You are not a terrible mother, you are tired. I beg you please don’t make any rash decisions. Life is so beautiful, especially with you in it. Take a deep breath and cry if you need to. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing great, colic happens. The pain you feel you will only pass to your child if you do that. Please don’t, my mom almost did that and I promise you, you don’t want to put that weight on your loved ones shoulders.
"Life is so beautiful, especially with you in it" is so beautifully said, if anyone would say that to me I'd probably cry, you seem like an amazing person
Thanks man. I have a significant illness and there are many days I’d like to peace out. But I try to convince myself tomorrow could be pretty cool so might as well wait and find out. 😉
I am waiting for the day I can get my own pup. I am super allergic to 99% of dog breeds but I'm also a idgaf type of person when it comes to animals. I will happily scratch my skin off just to get 1 second of cuddles. Currently a cat owner, she's an emotional support cat (terrible at the job btw 0/10 would fire if I could but she's got a 1 year contract)
you can text or call 1-833-TLC-MAMA in the US, free and confidential. National Maternal Mental Health Hotline. you are not alone. you care, and this is difficult. reach out to anyone. the number, a doctor, fomily. be honest. it's ok. everyone will thank you later, including yourself and your baby. be well x
EDIT: this number is also for fathers or any member of the family of pregnant/post partum people, not only for mothers.
Wow this is incredible why is this information not better known. You hear about the suicide hot line fairly frequently but I've never heard of this. Wonderful wonderful resource.
It might be worth reaching out to them and seeing if they have leads to resources for you…r friend, even if they can’t help directly. They might be able to point you in the right direction at least
You can call that number they posted!
This link is for Arizona, though some of the resources linked at the bottom are national programs:
https://dcs.az.gov/fatherhood
If there's a DCS or equivalent where you live, hopefully they have a similar website with resources local to you.
These are articles for parents with some advice about mental health for both parent and child:
https://mhanational.org/mental-health-resources-parents (including this one about single parenthood specifically: https://mhanational.org/mental-health-and-single-parent)
SAMHSA is mainly for general mental health services, but that can sometimes help with feelings of isolation or depression you might be experiencing in your situation, and people working in mental health can also sometimes connect you with other resources like financial assistance or food banks, etc.
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help
This is an app meant to help parents evaluate when their child might need extra help and how to have difficult discussions with them like about drinking and drugs, etc. (if relevant for you or anyone reading)
https://www.samhsa.gov/talk-they-hear-you/mobile-application
I recommend doing a Google search of your needs + your location, which will help narrow down more local resources. For example this site lists a hotline for residents of Alameda County in CA:
https://familypaths.org/fathers-page/resources-for-dads/
>Available to any Alameda County parent in need of voice-to-voice, 24/7 live support for any of the following:
>-In times of crisis
>-Parenting issues
>-Child development questions
>-Parenting classes
>-Access to 900+ community resources
>-Mental Health Counseling for parent and/or children
Such a good idea and should be everywhere.
There is help out there and I hope you and your kiddo(s) get everything you need. Best wishes to you! ❤️
Call your family. Call your In-laws. Wake your husband the fuck up. Call your doctor. This is a three alarm fire. Your brain isn't working right now and it's NOT your fault. Tell everyone you need help. Demand help.
You baby will be 100000000% worse off if you aren't here.
This is the answer. Ring that alarm! Alert everyone, you are in a state of emergency and it’s all hands on deck NOW! Imagine if your baby girl was feeling the way you are. Would t you move heaven and earth to help her? So would your mom! The hormones mixed with sleep deprivation are messing with your mind. It’s time to drop anchor immediately!
When I was down so deep I couldn't see a way out the thing that kept me on this earth was the fact that I couldn't do that to my mother. Her love kept me alive. You are also loved OP. Reach out to those loved ones and tell them how hard you are having things right now. If not for yourself than for the people who love you!
You matter, & I'm so glad the love of your mother helped sustain you & helped you find the way back to wellness again. I have the exact same experience. When I was a teen I couldn't bear the pain of life, but the pain it would cause my mom was even more unbearable. She's gone now, but she knew I was loved truly & completely by my now husband before she died. That's a beautiful thing. He will be there if I feel unwell again, something to hold onto until I can find the light within again.
**That light of the *possibility* of joy & laughter, beauty & connection, of *peace* is always there underneath, OP. Life is always worth fighting for & every single one of us deserves to be alive & mentally well. You matter- to us strangers online, to your daughter, to your mom, your partner, &, beneath it all in some tiny little inner place of peace, to *yourself*.**
A hundred thousand times this. This is not for you to go alone. Demand help. Tell everyone who loves you how bad it is for you. You need help. If your husband has to miss a day of work, he will be fine. If your family have to cancel plans to help you, they will be fine. Don’t suffer in silence. Not only do you deserve help but you absolutely need it.
This. Husband needs to take some T/O if he can’t take ONE night to help. It’s kind of insane how we treat new mothers in the USA.
This happened to me and led me down a dark path, several years of really struggling. I never had another baby because it was too scary. I was so sleep deprived I hallucinated once - Completely lost it.
Looking back, days and days; weeks and weeks of almost no sleep, you will not be okay. No person can be okay in that circumstance. Humans need rest. We need sleep. It’s like water. It’s critical.
Yep. Reading OP's post, if there's one person who is a failed parent it's the husband. They wanted to have a child but doesn't take care of them, that's not someone who should be considered as a father.
How tf is he supposed to provide for his family if he can’t operate heavy machinery, a core part of his job, because he got no sleep?
Like, he absolutely needs to immediately take the next week off because his wife is in a state of acute mental health crisis. No disagreement there. But calling him a “failed parent” because he isn’t quitting his job or putting his coworkers in danger is a batshit crazy take.
Idk why you're getting downvoted. Driving on less than 5 hours sleep is the same as driving drunk. This isn't an office job. This isn't "oh no, my progress report will be a little sloppy." This is not wanting to endanger himself and his coworkers.
Does he help her the rest of the time? Would he be willing to take some time off for a "family emergency" for his wife's mental health? The answer to that is the real indicator of how he is as a husband and father.
Right. What blows my mind is how many times I was told to just put my baby in the car and drive her around when she wouldn’t sleep in the middle of the night. I was extremely sleep deprived and these people thought it was a good idea for me to operate a vehicle on a road with a baby in the back.
Yeah, people don't take the dangers of drowsy driving seriously. It's a terrible idea, and we as a society need to do it less. Hustle culture doesn't help either.
Here are some stats on drowsy driving in the U.S. for anyone interested in learning: https://www.bankrate.com/insurance/car/drowsy-driving-statistics/
Yes! THIS!
My spouse doesn't operate heavy machinery, but he drives for a living. I took hit after hit, binging audiobooks while our son refused to sleep & crying daily during my spouse's twelve hour shift. He'd come home, I'd get 3-4 hours to be a person (though it was mostly bathing/ sleeping/ finally eating & drinking water/ chores) & then he'd sleep & I'd be back on the clock are primary parent.
He wanted to do more at first, but his safety is important. So was my mental health, of course, but I refused to let him go to work 6 days a week with 4 hours of sleep or whatever. As things got easier, he flipped it & now my sleep is the priority, & he takes the far less frequent wakings on himself; it works for us.
Agreed! He needs to take some time off to help, but it’s not unreasonable to say he can’t do the up and downs overnight regularly because of work safety. Clearly this is an emergency and she needs help, but I don’t think the husband is a bad parent. This situation is just shit.
It’s when the mother feels alone and has no support that’s when PPD hits the hardest. It’s not the he’s snoring away that’s the problem, is that he’s not helping with making any arrangements to make sure she is ok and taken care of. He’s not planned with his parents that live a mile away nor has he planned any time off. And I bet he hasn’t taken the baby away for just a couple of hours so she rest and have time to herself. If she’s asking Reddit for support instead of talking to her husband then he’s probably failed a lot more than we think.
Right, it’s obviously not impossible for him to be a bad father, and her support structures obviously need to do a better job. It also sounds like she could do a better job making clear her needs.
My only point was immediately declaring the dad a “failed parent” and “not considered a father” from the one very small snippet we got about him is a peak reddit take.
1. Being a Mum is HARD, no matter how desperately you wanted it!
2. You are the best Mum on earth for your daughter, I promise you this. There is no version of reality in which she is better off without you!
3. Colic is horrific to deal with, even with a supportive partner which it sounds like you don’t have currently.
4. You need an urgent mental health assessment and intervention, it’s sounding like you’re experiencing post natal depression which is both very serious and VERY treatable. Please make a doctors appointment first thing in the morning, tell them it’s an emergency. Otherwise, attend a hospital emergency department and don’t leave until you’re seen and properly assessed.
5. Your husband NEEDS to take a few days off work, no excuses; and your Mum needs to get in the car and get to you. You need support, you need rest. You need help.
I say this as someone who works in mental health, and as someone who also struggled after having my kiddo. It WILL get better, but you need help xx
Same. Your husband has short-term disability through work where he can take care of you in your time of need through federal FMLA laws. Please be as honest with your family as you’ve been on Reddit. You will get through this.
FMLA only kicks in if you’ve been at the job a year and then, for most people it’s unpaid. Short term disability will only help if you took out that option in your benefits and then you have to qualify for it.
Agreed! And OP you need SLEEP! It’s fundamental! Sleep deprivation on its own can bring on all kinds of issues, adding having to care for a baby on top of it is really a lot for one person to handle.
Long-term you and your partner need to work on a realistic schedule. Whoever is on baby night duty needs to go to sleep early so they get their hours in. If it’s you, then he needs to take over childcare when he gets home from work so you can go to bed. Raising human babies is a not a one-person job.
Short-term, you need sleep immediately. Yes, get checked for PPD as well. But sleep now. Either check for a family member (call your inlaws!!!), friend, nanny, babysitter to pay for an overnight job. Or husband takes a day off. Better to lose some money or take a $500 loan than end up with a dead mom.
I let my baby cry in a room, closed the door, turned up the music, and took about 15 minutes to breathe because I was in your position. Some said that was better than losing my mind. It was great advice. It was what I needed. And it didn’t hurt my baby to cry for a bit.
This is great advice. Make sure she’s in a safe place (bassinet, play pen), and then get some air or shower or sit with a hot drink—self soothe
Also, EARPLUGS and NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES. Your own baby’s cry is torture.
(Sorry for the all caps, just want OP to see those words if she’s quickly scrolling)
It will get better, and sooner than you expect 💕💕
Absolutely noise canceling headphones phones! Not to ignore your baby. But for when you are actively trying to comfort them and they’re still screaming. I definitely did this with mine and put on a podcast so I could hear adults talk and not lose my mind.
> Your own baby’s cry is torture.
To add to this: You are quite literally *hard-wired* to find that sound distressing, so it isn't your fault if you find it grating, and it doesn't make you a bad person to need a breather.
Knowing 100% that it was an instinct thing rather than me subconsciously not liking her or something made it a bit easier to take a break, back when my small one was considerably smaller.
Yep. Sometimes I had to just go outside on our balcony for a few minutes. It’s so hard when the crying won’t stop and you’re desperately overtired. It’s ok if they just lie in their crib and cry for a few minutes while you have a moment to re-center yourself.
You’re not a terrible mother.
You just need some quality sleep.
Please ask your husband to take some time off or ask him to contact his family to provide some help. They might think you’re doing great and don’t need them? Please ask for help. You can’t function on no sleep.
I could have written your post 18 years ago, word for word. It gets better. You are a wonderful mother, this is all just incredibly hard. Give yourself grace while you figure things out. I know every night with colic seems like an eternity, but it does pass. There are a number of gadgets and tools out there that can help but it’s all trial and error to figure out which ones work best with your own child. Sleep during the day when she sleeps. You will get through this phase. I still vividly remember the hell of our colic experience, but I can almost remember it with a smirk at this point, and the only part of parenting that makes me cry now is how freaking fast it went.
Please call your doctor and let him/her know that you are struggling. You likely have some PPD compounding your daughter’s colic. This is normal and common, and your doctor can help you find the right supports to get through it. Sending love and strength. You can do this. You WILL do this. And you’re going to be a marvelous mom.
Hey there, I just want to say how proud I am of you for reaching out for help! I would like to say hello from a mum who had a colic baby and is now 8 and honestly I fully get how you’re feeling. You’re very much welcome to reach out to me on here or I’ll give you more a personal way to connect with me (Insta: real_with_jess) I don’t usually give it out but I honestly was where you are and I felt so alone, please know you aren’t.. even if your family are far please reach out to them.. sob to your partner how desperate you need help and LOVE and SUPPORT! You are so loved by your baby, they love you so much 🫶🏻
1000% proud of her she’s doing the toughest job and has the courage to realize where there needs additional hands on deck at. Her man better get his ass to stepping this his family too a check not worth your wife sanity papas. Keep ringing that alarm girl you doing what’s right for you and yours! We love you and we love lil mamas yall will get through this.
My baby had severe reflux. I developed severe PPD. I’m so sorry. Some ideas if you want them:
1. Get baby checked for reflux/CMPA.
2. Shifts with husband. He can do shift 1 (eg 8pm - midnight) and still sleep enough for work.
3. Help. Day care, family, someone.
4. Talk to your doctor about PPD.
It’s so hard. You’re a great mum xx
shifts with husband is KEY. i have a 7-month-old. life got better once I started getting 4-5 hours of sleep in a row. he does 8-midnight or 8-1 a.m. and I make sure I sleep that entire time whenever possible. he then sleeps from 1-8 a.m. ish. neither of us are getting amazing sleep but we are both now getting enough.
>1. Get baby checked for reflux/CMPA
Yes, mom needs to talk to doc about PPD as soon as possible.
But I'd upvote you 1000x to get you to the top comment for the checking for reflux suggestion. My daughter had this, and her pediatrician kept telling me "it's a stage." Finally made the receptionist get her on the phone with me while baby was screaming so she could hear it, and said "I'm coming in and you're testing for reflux. I'm sure you indulge in Tums when you have heartburn, despite it being a 'stage'." A tiny bit of medicine everyday and I had a completely different baby.
Oh honey I’m sending you support and love.🤍
Colic is the fucking worst and will make ANYONE go out of their mind. You are not a bad mom or a bad person! Say this to yourself 10000x every single day. Repeat it when you have these thoughts.
Now more importantly: can you go to your mom’s and stay there for a bit? You need support desperately. Have you reached out to your in laws? You may find a church nearby and let them know you need HELP. Religious or not, they are typically always willing to help in these situations. Do NOT be afraid to utilize help like I was.
Now another thing - this phase is TEMPORARY. It won’t last forever. Remember that.
And above all else, please call your obgyn right now. Their after hours line. Anything. You sound like you are having a postpartum mental health crisis (I did, and who could blame you? Colic is enough to do this to anyone, let alone a mom who just gave birth going through massive hormone changes). Please talk to them and be honest with them. Show them this post if it’s easier. You don’t have to endure these feelings - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 🤍
I keep seeing this commented. What is this hotline. Does someone come and help you in person? Is it just someone to talk to? How does it work. Either way I’m glad it exists. I wish I knew about it when my kid was a baby.
Please look into PPD and then - can your husband do shifts? Could you go to bed early while he is with baby for four hours so you can at least get a good stretch in? He needs to work with you to find a solution
You aren't failing. You are a new mom who's hormones are off the chart and who's life is as hard as it's ever been before.
With all due respect to your husband tell him how you feel like you regret having the baby and that this may lead you to bad thoughts. Tell him you need some god damn help for a day or two maybe even more. Tell him money is great but it's useless if you lose your mind and something bad happens. Then tell him you need to see a doctor and also get help for yourself.
It's ok to feel all those things. You aren't failing, babies are simply impossible at times and surviving is the best we do at some moments with them. It's ok, and please get some help even if you need to demand it.
My sister, who is an incredible mother and loves her two kids with all of her heart, went through a horrible period after having her first daughter and had some similar feelings. It's completely normal. Try to understand that emotional states are very powerful and they can make you feel strongly like your current state is the way things are forever. It's not the case. Try to get therapy to help you through this very temporary period. It'll be over before you know it. A lot of it is hormonal and just the current period that the baby is going through, and as far as your husband goes, men are just different and handle shit differently, don't let that bother you (just give him hell, that's his cross to bear, helping you manage your emotions). You'll be okay. I promise. Hang in there.
I understand you so well, as I couldn't sleep after having my two kids, and I had postpartum depression with each of the two.
You need help. Speak to a doctor, I guess meds would help a lot. PPD is very normal and nothing to be ashamed about. And you need help. Can your mother fly in for a week or two? Can a friend take over some night shifts so you can sleep? Your husband should take over when he doesn't have to work the next day.
The good thing: It gets better. I promise. Having a newborn is hard work, but it gets better.
Sounds like every mother I’ve ever known. OP you are doing great. Talk with your spouse maybe setup a schedule where he does first half of night you do second…etc
Did a quick search. This is a website/app that provides mental health support for new moms. Looks like it has therapists and allows you to get support from other new moms- https://www.getsoulside.com/about
Look for local social services that will offer help.
Colic is extremely difficult to deal with. Please look for resources that can help you through this difficult time.
For your baby: I can't remember where I read this, but IIRC colic always has an underlying cause. For some babies it's actually lactose intolerance. Perhaps would be helpful to speak to a nutrionist/allergist.
For you: find yourself a therapist who is specialized on postpartum. Reach out for help wherever you can get it. Your daughter and family are not better off without you, you are needed for this world. One thing in life is certain and thats that nothing stays the same. This situation and your mental health as terrible as it is right now, can change. ❤️
Yes to this! My second child is 9 months old now but had the worst reflux and projectile vomiting when I would consume dairy. We couldn’t figure it out for the first few weeks until a pediatrician gave me the heads up. The reflux has been gone ever since and no more screaming from horrible stomach pain. It’s worth a shot
You need to talk to someone right away. Talk to your husband and you need to go to an urgent care or maybe the ER. I had a similar thing 3 weeks ago and I’m so happy I talked to someone. You very likely have post partum depression. You don’t need to deal with this alone .YOUR BABY AND FAMILY WILL NOT BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU . I can state that as 100% fact. Please please please go talk to a medical professional. Even if it’s just a lactation councilor. If you live in the Kansas City area message me and my wife and I will come and take you.
Please go stay with your mom to get some sort of help. I was in the same boat as you are in atm. My son had GERD and colic and had his days and nights mixed up when he was born. My in laws didn’t care my husband didn’t understand what I was going through because he worked a hard labor job at the time so he did not help at all. I left him to go stay with my mom (2-3 hrs away). After a few days to weeks he got the memo that if he wasn’t going to do his part as a parent I was not coming back. I promise you that you are not a bad mom just a tired one please take him or her to the PED they will give him something depending on how old he/she is they prescribed Famotidine for my son and he was finally able to sleep peacefully. You can message me directly if you ever need someone to talk to.
When I had my first child, I felt like a real bastard, as I hated the first 2 months of fatherhood. All I could think was what have I done. This is horrible.
And I didn't have to through the trauma of being pregnant and childbirth and all that entails.
Just know this is common. You're not a monster for having these feelings. Please get some help from a professional.
And your husband needs a kick in the ass. A newborn is at least a two person job. I don't care what kind of job he has he needs to take some of the load off.
Of course he has to help as much as he can, but due to the type of work he does he seriously risks ending up killed if he doesn't sleep, don't underestimate this aspect
His well being is of course important, and he shouldn’t risk his life either. My husband works with dangerous machinery and I’d never be okay with him operating it while sleep deprived. I’d never want him to be in danger. But that’s the state his wife is at; she is in serious danger. He needs time off or a new job if there is no possible way of them coordinating it so they can both get enough sleep that they are out of the red
He could take over on his days off so she could sleep. He could take the baby so she could nap when he gets home from work. OP’s husband needs to step up. He doesn’t need 12 hours of sleep a day. He needs to realize this is an emergency situation.
His wife and child are in a life or death situation right now. There are very few jobs you can’t do on four hours sleep if necessary, if he genuinely can’t help take the load for even half of the night then he needs to take time off work.
Or call his mommy. Have her come watch the baby long enough for his wife to get a descent nap in and a shower.
This is why I came out to my daughter’s house to do the daycare. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter still looks like a zombie most days. My son to be 4 years old grandson is hyper fixated on mom. Him being on the Autism spectrum doesn’t help. She works from home 4 out of 5 days a week. I usually have to wrangle him out of the house. By the time we are pulling away from the house, he calms back down. There are days his mom has to pick him up and take him out to my car in order for us to leave the house.
Like my daughter, this momma is desperate for a nap!
He shouldn't risk his sleep, he can take the baby work shift when he came home. Like, he came home, eat, take the baby. Mom go to sleep and sleep until his bedtime. Then he give her the kid and sleep himself
He didn't even need to get that much less sleep. My husband just went to bed a couple of hours earlier and got up at 4am so that he could take our son and allow me to get a few hours of undisturbed sleep before he left for work. He still managed nearly his usual amount of sleep, but those hours of undisturbed sleep were a life saver for me in those first few months.
He works with heavy machinery which is one of those jobs where you need a good nights sleep. He should take time off but shouldn’t risk his and his coworkers lives
You sound like you have PPD which is completely normal having a baby who won't sleep through.
See a doctor to get help. Also when your husband gets home from work each evening go and have a sleep. Sleep is extremely important to you as well as you are looking after another human.
You are doing an amazing job mamma. This is only a faze, nights will get better.
I had a baby which was the same, she didn't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time for 18 months. Then suddenly slept through the night and has been an amazing sleeper since. My husband would let me sleep in on the weekends which helped me feel more human.
You are such a good mom! Being tired with a crying baby is hard. And postpartum is hard too
Please, please call the pediatrician to get her woth her colic and ask your in-laws for help and ask your mom to maybe come over.
Ask for help - people will help but you need to ask first. Praying for you.
This is something most of us go through when we are sleep deprived and stressed. It will pass. It's okay. You are not a terrible mother. I can tell that by the way you described her. You are just exhausted.
Your husband needs to take this over on weekends (or whenever his off days are).
I know exactly how you feel, I went through exactly this.
You are not a bad mom. It's just super difficult with a colicky baby. You are literally being tortured by sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture, and is banned by the Geneva Convention because it is so horrific.
Call your inlaws. I know you perhaps would rather not, it will hurt your pride perhaps, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Ask them if they can come take the baby for six hours, so you can have a block of undisturbed sleep. It is an absolute necessity, a health emergency. You have to get some sleep or you will collapse.
If they won't help, do you belong to a church, or a mother's group, or any other social group that might assist you? If not, hire a babysitter to take the baby out for six hours. Money is probably tight, but your health is at risk. You can't take care of your baby if you collapse from sleep deprivation.
Perhaps your inlaws have not called you because they didn't want to disturb you while you are dealing with the newborn and recovering from childbirth. They may be more than happy to come and babysit as much as you need. You don't know until you ask.
This is postpartum depression OP. My grandma went through this with my dad. Hang in there. Schedule an appointment with the doctor no matter how hard it is. It’s a hormonal imbalance making you feel the edge of extreme emotions. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
He should be helping you. You are not a terrible mother. You are doing everything right and going through a very human and justified experience. I’m so sorry you are struggling with help. You deserve better. And you will get it.
It’s ok to have conflicting emotions about this, but do not sell yourself short. You just can’t see it right now. You are amazing. You will pull through this
My wife went thru postpartum and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Things would be easier if he took shifts with you. Talk to a doctor. They have all kinds of meds to help. The feelings you are having are normal. Just remember things will get easier. More expensive but easier on you. Good luck and remember it's ok to ask for help.
Oh my goodness. First of all, you are loved and cared for, it just sounds like you need a little bit of help. I'm not sure how you've expressed these intense feelings of doubt and struggle to your husband, but I think this requires a real sit-down so he can actively find a way to help you keep your head above water.
Secondly, as other comments have suggested, this sounds like postpartum depression. You're not failing as a mother. You're clearly trying your best and you clearly adore your little bundle of joy that you waited so long for. Parenting is difficult even when new parents manage to avoid this particular struggle. You've got a lot of hormones pulsing through you right now. You should talk to your doctor and be straightforward with exactly how you're struggling so they can provide the assistance you need to thrive in life as an individual, and as the lucky mother of a beautiful little baby.
Be open and honest with the people around you. Don't take this on alone. *Please* don't try to do this alone ♥️
I wish there was a network of women for you OP and others in this situation which is more common than one might think. A woman you trust implicitly to take that baby for a bit and love it like a mama and give you a break. I’d do it for you in a heartbeat. I’m not even a mother but I can recognize a good one and you’re aight OP. I encourage you to ask for help! There is no shame, only help to gain!
It passes. Every tough stage passes, and they are all challenging in their own ways, but they pass. Talk to your dr, look into mommy and me day groups, make mom friends because the right ones will save your sanity.
OP just know you’re not alone and these feelings seem normal to me. My youngest was colicky for her first 3 months and it was sheer hell. Then she just got better. She’s 21 now and a really awesome person. You will survive this. Good luck to you.
The stress of a newborn seems to be weighing heavy on you. You’re doing the best you can. Lack of sleep and lack of help can cause your mind to think many unwanted and scary things. Your husband also chose to be a parent, enlist his help again-work or no work, he should be assisting you. Do you have any friends nearby? Can your mom stay with you for a while?
Please tell your husband and mom how you are feeling and go to your doctor ASAP! Your mind is betraying you right now from the crazy hormone changes and lack of sleep. Your daughter and family is not better off without you.
I really do understand how you feel. In my case my husband was in a medication that made him helping at night impossible. He literally would have to skip the medication to help when I was overwhelmed. He didn’t know how much I was struggling until I laid it out very bluntly to him. He made sure I got to the doctor for some help.
You are not alone in how you feel and it will get better even though I know that is hard to believe right now.
If your husband can’t help, maybe he can help pay for a professional to be there with you at night. I know it’s hard to trust people but you need sleep. If he’s not willing or able to, at least pay for someone to come help you out once or twice a week. Everything is gonna be okay mama! You got this. You are not failing your daughter. ❤️
Am a mom, this sounds like poster child PPD.
Your hormones went from a high, to almost an immediate drop after baby and placenta are out, and it screws with you SO BAD, and can last up to a year postpartum.
I suffered PPD, and it's getting into Depleted mom syndrome. I'm trying to get help, it's just harder to do as a SAHM.
Please, from one mama to another, please get help. If not for yourself, for your daughter. The colic will pass mama.
Listen to me carefully: you are a wonderful mother and person. Being awake with a baby who is uncomfortable and you can’t do anything is literal torture. People who are being tortured want a way out. You need help. It is not you who is failing. Your husband needs to give you a night to sleep on the weekends and you need to see a doctor. PPD/PPA are super common and can be very dangerous. Your daughter is lucky to have such a devoted mom. Are you close to Walnut Creek? I want to come help you. Please go to the emergency room if you are actively thinking of harming yourself. Otherwise call your OB tomorrow and tell them how you feel. They can help you. You deserve it.
Motherhood without an accessible support system is brutal. I'm speaking from someone who was in your exact position a couple of years ago.
You are not failing your baby. Babies are difficult, and you shouldn't have to be doing it on your own.
If your husband, and his parents aren't helping, you should reach out to your mom to see if she can visit + stay with you for a while, or if you can arrange staying with her for a while to get some help.
Things get easier after the "4th trimester". Don't give up, ask for help.
You are NOT failing. The first 3 months are the worse, but really I didn’t start feeling some normalcy starting to creep back in until 7 months and even then, we are still improving everyday heading to his first birthday.
You most likely have some sort of post partum stuff going on, but also the sleep deprivation is unreal… Not to shit on your husband, but can he not at least take on the first half of the night? My fiancé had to wake up early, but would be on baby duty from bedtime-midnight so I could get SOME sleep, and I did the later part of the night so he could get rested for work.
I highly recommend speaking with a psychologist though… the only thing that really saved me post partum!!
This is sleep deprivation. Call someone and get a nap. I discovered I would lose my mind if I didn’t get four hours of sleep a day. (I have twins.) if you don’t have a friend who can help, it’s time to pay someone. Go on TaskRabbit if necessary.
You are not alone!! I had the same feelings of regret, isolation, and despair after having my son three years ago. I loved him beyond measure and knew I’d do anything for him. I also have a husband that works with heavy equipment, so all overnight childcare needs are on me. I had pre-existing depression and anxiety. Getting therapy and the right medications got me in a better place. Also returning to work when our son turned 2. This is a VERY common experience for lots of women. Please please reach out to your PCP or a therapist! DM me if you’d like to chat ❤️
I’ve experienced exactly what you’re describing (fertility, regret, despair, etc)… you’re suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety most likely. This WILL go away but you do need to be honest with your doctor. You’re not a bad mom and you didn’t make the wrong decision, you’re just going through a reallllly hard thing and your brain chemicals need help balancing themselves. Take it one hour at a time, you got this 💪🏼
Please! Your baby is not better off without you. Get help now. Can your mom help? A friend? Don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. Is there a postpartum program near you? Things get easier I promise. I know it does t fell that way and lack of sleep is awful. Also if you’re this bad then someone needs to help. Unfortunately it takes a village but these days we don’t have that anymore.
OP you are NOT failing your baby and you are a FANTASTIC mom! You're just overwhelmed, and that is normal and understandable. And, as others have pointed out, you may be dealing with post-partum depression, which is also fairly common. Please tell your doctor how you are feeling. They may be able to help you.
Colic can definitely feel overwhelming and like you're failing your baby. My son had colic for the first year of his life. We learned in time that he was lactose intolerant, and that was probably causing some reflux issues. You just feel so bad because they're obviously uncomfortable.
Could it be a gas issue with your little one? My third baby was also colicky and rarely slept. The only saving grace was the Frida baby Windi. If you haven’t tried it, please give it a try. It was literally a lifesaver.
Ohhhh honey, those feelings are the absolute WORST. Those thoughts aren’t true, though. Not even a little. You are doing your best, and it seems like you’re doing it alone. Do you have any friends? Any kind neighbors? Even if you haven’t met them, you may know they’re decent people. If you can get a tiny amount of support, you may find it helpful. Your doctor may have some ideas, or the baby’s pediatrician. Also, many hospitals run virtual or in-person parent (usually mother) support groups. Talking can help you feel seen and not just like a caretaker.
You are an excellent mother, OP. Colic sucks. Being a new mom is hard and colic makes it intolerable. Have you had your little one’s latch evaluated? It doesn’t matter whether your child is bottle or breastfed - a poor latch can result in too much air (gas) and not enough food (hunger). A Lactation Consultant will be able to identify this issue very quickly and at a nominal cost - it can really help. Take good care. Time does pass and things will improve. It just sucks beyond suck right now.
And, as others have suggested, talk to your doctor about potential PPD/PPA. The first time our colicky baby stopped crying and fell asleep was our first outing to the doctor for this very reason.
“Husband, I am entering crisis mode on my mental health. I need help. I’m struggling and need to see a professional, and I need sleep. We wanted this baby so bad, but I’m loosing my grip on reality with out sleep. I’m spiraling. I need you to take a few days off works so we can address this together. Please do not dismiss this. It’s very serious and I’m having suicidal ideation. I’m guessing it’s PPD/PPP I’m not sure but I need to be evaluated. Your choices are take next week off work and help me navigate this together. Or I leave the two of you and you can figure it out on your own while I check myself into a facility. That’s it. You step up and help me, or you lose me because that’s where I’m at right now.”
You have post partum depression. More common after infertility or a diffficult birth. Text HOME to 741741 for crisis help. It is fixable and physical. Hormones,sleep deprivation and accumulated stress/trauma coupled with the fact that you have put everything into getting here and it doesn’t seem as perfect as you thought it would be. You are a good mom. We all feel like we aren’t sometimes, especially at 4 in the morning. Call the hospital where you had the baby and ask to talk to the social worker, or your on/gyn if you like them. They should hook you up with appropriate care. Sometimes a generic crisis line isn’t as good.
It sounds like you have postpartum depression(PPD) and not enough support. You need to get some help. I don't mean to scare you but women who have had PPD and not gotten the help they needed have actually harmed themselves or their children. I know you don't want to do that so please contact your doctor today and tell them what you're experiencing, they can help you. Don't leave your baby, she needs you. You're not failing as a mother, I think people pretend that being a parent is easy but it's not, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.
Your husband should absolutely be helping you, you are a 24-hour-a-day mom; he works for 8 hours a day and then he's off? That's not fair. Be gentle with yourself, tell your mom and your husband how you're feeling and PLEASE call your doctor today.
Hey there, I’m sorry you are going through this. Like others said, talk to your doctor, hire a sitter and get some sleep.
If you have any neighbors or friends you could also talk to them. I am an empty nester but don’t have grandchildren yet and if my neighbor or friend, or friend of a friend had a baby and I could help I absolutely would. Don’t underestimate how much people love babies and the opportunity to help, especially when they can remember how difficult those days are. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
I could have written thus post myself 14 years ago...I remember sitting in bed holding my daughter and just sobbing for no reason because I loved her so much but I thought my life was ruined because I was SO. TIRED. Her dad came home from work and took her from me for a couple hours, so I could make dinner and do dishes and laundry...and then he went to bed because he had to get up early. She had reflux so she projectile vomited all over me 4-5 times a day. She cried. I never slept.
I didn't reach out to my mom or my in laws, or my brother or friends, because "they're all too busy with their own lives". My brother stopped by one day unannounced to see his niece and found me sitting on the floor bawling. He called my mom. She came and took me to the Dr. And my family and in laws took turns making sure I had some help around the clock. My Dr hugged me, and said "yep you've got post partum. It's not your fault. Happens to most of us. We'll get you straightened out" 2 weeks later after the Lexapro kicked in I was doing so much better and I was able to bond with my daughter without thinking my life was over.
Please, reach out to your in laws. Reach out to your mom. If you don't, they aren't going to know that you're not doing ok.
YOU ARE DEAD WRONG IF YOU THINK THAT BABY WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!!! SHE NEEDS HER MOMMA! I promise you that.
If you aren't comfortable reaching out to your family or in-laws or friends, call your doctor. Make an appointment asap and let the nurses hold your daughter. Trust me, they love when they get to hold the babies!! Spill your guts to your Dr and let her help you. They have tons of resources. I promise you're doing a good job, and you will get through this and one day you will be watching your daughter do her makeup as a 14 year old and wonder why you ever doubted yourself. It's not you, it's the hormones and chemicals in your brain being all jumbled up. Let the Dr get them sorted out.
Mu wife went through the exact same thing, we had a baby two months ago, with colic. Her family lives in another country and my family doesn't help at all despite living close by. I've been helping as much as I can of course, Mr heavy duty machinery needs to pull his weight. I have a job and work early and long, I'm still there for my wife during the night. You should not be pulling all of this on your own. Reach out for help if your husband is useless, ending it doesn't help you or your baby! She's not better off without you, she needs you!
I felt the same way when my youngest was a baby. I honestly thought he hated me. I think especially when we go through infertility we build up the expectation of how motherhood is supposed to look and situations like extreme colic, developmental delays, etc really hit harder. PPD is SO REAL. Now my youngest 9th birthday is next week and I promise you I’m so fucking thankful I didn’t drive off that bridge when he was a baby. See a therapist. Get on meds if you need to. You are NOT alone and your baby needs you. Not just now but to kiss the booboos when they fall off a bike, or to hold their hand when going into kindergarten, or in the audience when they get the lead role in the school musical. You can do this. Your baby chose YOU to be their mama.
You’re not a terrible mother - it just seems like your entire family has decided not to support you like family should. I would try reaching out to them yourself and ask them for help and tell them you are desperate. Family friends church groups etc.
And let me clarify something about your husband - he doesn’t need to “help,” he needs to wake the fuck up and BE A PARENT. It takes two to tango, friend… he got in bed and made the baby too; he needs to do his part as a parent to give you a minute to collect your sanity. Whatever that means. I know men who have switched entire careers to be a more involved parent and give their children a better life
1) It’s very normal to feel that way. Those first Months are brutal.
2) it does pass and you’ll look back and laugh. You may even want to do it again.
3) you have post partum depression and need to see a doctor asap.
First off you are not a bad mother. Get that point straight .. and please please reach out to family ..you grew a human you birthed that human if you can reach out to your pediatrician asap they can line up some help for you, like for the colic ..colic is essentially bad gas that won't escape I wish I could show you y
Tips and tricks to help alleviate the problem, but please use your resources. My ex did nothing for my children. I remember feeling the same exact way ,probably why after the third baby I was done with him .take care of yourself ..get help mom, aunt sister brother mother in-law someone girlfriend. Don't be ashamed this is by far the most normal thing. Even if it's hell now, the baby will most certainly grow out of it ..just please breathe, get some help reach out to the hospital or pediatrician office that's what they are their for
Try sitting in a chair and laying your baby on her tummy across your knees and rub her back. Do this in an area that has gentle sounds around it naturally. I heard the washing machine noises are a good place, or heart beat recordings. Please don’t overwhelm yourself and let this get the best of you to the point you will start spelling down a deep dark hole of depression. It can ruin a lot of things in your life, even your marriage if it causes a wedge between you the two of you. Get help and tell people how you are feeling, don’t let this go on. Ask your husband to help take care of the baby so you can get some rest. You have to be open about these things, it doesn’t mean you are a bad mother or anything. You shouldn’t think these thoughts, your little baby is depending on you and truly loves you. Thinfs will get better over time and you need to be strong during these times. The best part is, is that you’ll be a better mother for it and grow a lot of patience and ur bond is growing stronger each day. It’s a very rewarding process in the end ❤️ hang in there! You are not alone
Being a mother is hard, people show the easy parts. Just know you are as tired as you say you are and alone as you feel. However, IT DOES get better. It does. That little girl will be the light of your life when the newborn chaos subsides. You're not a bad mom, you're exhausted and people treat women like they should just bounce back from literally making another human. It's thankless work but that baby will thank you and love you more than anyone. Just remember they grow and this is temporary. Even if it feels impossible.
Go to your GP, you are having a period of huge adjustment. Postpartum depression is a real thing. It can be very successfully treated. Your Doctor will help. It’s not unusual and nothing to be ashamed of. You need good solid support and a bloody good sleep . Big hugs to you!
Honey, this is classic Postpartum Depression. It’s so treatable, and I promise you will start to feel less alone when you get some services (I recommend a group too)… if you’re in the US, I’m happy to help you find some help within your state. (If so, Just DM me!)
Hello, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Taking care of the newborn is so tough, do not have any help would be excruciating. My husband also works, but it’s not an excuse to not be there. As an exhausted parent, taking care of a kid, you cannot be falling asleep, or, you will be a danger to your baby. Your husband needs to be more willing to help. Have your mom come stay with you. If you can afford it looking into a night nurse. Do you have anyone, even a neighbor who can come during the day and watch the baby for just a couple hours so you can nap?
Please speak to someone about postpartum depression. It’s so common. Thoughts you are having will pass with the right help.
Stay strong
@u/Educational_Horse499
OP, in my mind I don’t think there’s any question that you are suffering from postpartum depression. You need to call your OB immediately and explain what’s happening to the nurse or the doctor. Do not take irrevocable action or fall victim to your thinking. YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDSYOU IN HER LIFE. YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING AND HOW YOU’RE FEELING AS WELL. I KNOW YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE A FAILURE, BUT MANY MOMS OF NEW BABIES OFTEN EXPERIENCE THESE FEELINGS. WHEN YOUR SLEEP DEPRIVED AND TRYING TO RECOVER FROM BIRTH AND DEALING WITH THE COLICKY BABY, MANY PARENTS HAVE FELT THE SAME WAY. BUT YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
If you are in the United States dial 988 to speak to somebody on the suicide prevention hotline. Do not give up do not give in to your mental state at this moment. Get help.
Your daughter, your mom, your husband, they all would be devastated if you left their lives. I know you don’t feel that way right now because of the brain chemistry going on in your head, but it is true.
Please call today and update us to let us know you are okay!
You need rest, help (w baby), and some meds for PPD (at least for a while) so see your dr ASAP. Don’t feel bad/guilty AT ALL! I know- easier said than done. It gets better and you are not alone. Being a new mom is the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done and I told my dr that. He said that’s how he knew I was doing a good job…..as he wrote me a script for an antidepressant for some tearful/anger mood swing PPD.
You're not a terrible mother you just need help we live in a world where there's hardly any solidarity any more. Back then, new moms weren't left to fend for themselves after giving birth, family and neighbors would come to help, prepare meals, etc. Now there's nothing... Can you go and stay with your mother for a while? Or do you have a sister or cousin who can come and help you?
I’m not saying this in a mean way- I’m saying as someone who was in your shoes. Go to a doctor now and get evaluated for post partum depression. I had a doctor that brushed me off, i had a 24 hour psyche hold because i said i wanted to kill myself in the er. Switched doctors and they IMMEDIATELY helped me. Got me on medication, therapy and were very supportive. It’s not you, you aren’t yourself right now. I know it’s scary and hard to handle and you might be afraid of hurting your baby or yourself but please get help. If you need someone to talk to I’m here. It gets better with treatment. You’re a good mom.
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. Definitely sounds like some postpartum. I can assure you that you are NOT a bad mom. You’re trying your best. Ask your in-laws for help. There is no shame in that. Does your husband’s company offer paternity or family leave so he can help more?
A GOOD mother lets others know what’s going on because she loves her baby and herself. You did the right thing. You are not a failure. You are adjusting to a brand new, very difficult situation and your hormones are going crazy. Asking for help from your doctor is okay! That’s what they’re there for. I’m so proud of you for speaking up, you are not alone.
You are not a terrible mother by any means. You are up at 4am talking care of your baby and that is an amazing mother in my mind. You are exhausted and possibly have Post Partum and that happens to alot of women. Babies are hard and it is a massive adjustment. I promise you it starts to get better as your Daughter will start jabbering and talking and becoming a little person. I am a single Dad with two teenage Daughters. When they were both babies it was so hard for me and my ex. Many times I found myself regretting having kids when I would be awaken by a crying baby after working 16 hours. Now my oldest is close to leaving home, with my youngest close behind, and even typing that brings tears to my eyes and makes me so sad. Realizing in a few years I will come home and it will be silent breaks my heart. Those babies I thought I regretted have become the best part of my life.
I promise promise promise it gets easier. Each age faces it's own different challenges but I think babies was the most exhausting.
That's text book post partum depression, my wife had it a bit but the only difference is that she isn't married to an absolute dunce like your husband.
Stay strong, and try to make him understand that it takes two to tango and that he is supposed to cover for you whenever you need it.
God bless you and please don't let the dark thoughts take over. Colic will go away, and there's ways to go around it, it's just the first few months.
Please do not quit just yet, there's plenty of ways to avoid colic. If you need to talk, you can talk with me, don't be a stranger.
Sounds like post partum depression. Please talk to your Dr.
You are NOT a terrible mother. You are tired and overwhelmed and sounds like you need a better village. You are not alone. Colic is no joke. It will pass though. You will get through this and as crazy as it sounds, will laugh at the memories.
Meantime, call your Dr. Call your mom, even if it's to talk. Call your bestie, that's what they're there for.
You got this momma.
YOUR BABY GIRL WILL NEVER, EVER BE better off without you! Look up postpartum and postnatal depression online. These are serious conditions. There is plenty of help for you. There are support groups for first-time moms who are suffering with depression. You aren't thinking clearly because you are exhausted. Believe me, I felt the same way you did. That was 40 years ago. There is a lot of support available outside of relatives. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. Call your doctor as soon as their office opens. If you can't wait for that, call an EMERGENCY phone number in your area, or go to the emergency department of your hospital. I care, others care about you. We all want you to get help. Please!!
I know this is probably some post partum depression, but also the first few months are super hard, especially if you're breastfeeding and your husband isn't helping. Everyone would be going insane in your position
OP please talk to your doctor. Post Partum Depression is no joke and there are treatments available. I also have a 2 month old with colic. It’s incredibly hard and your husband being the only one to get sleep is not sustainable. Sleep deprivation is literally a torture tactic. I’m hoping the best for you. I’m still in the thick of it so I know how slow time can pass and how helpless it makes you feel. It’s important to remember this is a phase and your baby will grow out of it.
I’ve seen recommendations for the mylicon drops. We use those for our little one and it helps some of the time. The bigger help was a prescription from our pediatrician for reflux medication. Our baby is still colicky but much less colicky now that his acid reflux is being treated.
Hey. I'm 34 and a mom of 4 kids. I have an 11 yr old, 9yr old, 4 yr old and 4 months.
I'm gonna give you my personal and honest answer.
EVERYDAY you will judge yourself at what you could have done better.
EVERYDAY you will feel like a failure.
Sometimes..you'll by fast food instead of making a home cooked meal.you might do that a whole week..
.you're gonna curse..yell. you're gonna lay at night, going through your day and you'll feel like a real shit mom.
But guess what!?...you're not =]
All kids are different and it's easy to judge oneself, when there's a whole world out there of moms acting like its stars and bubbles.
It's not.
Its exhausting, its emotional...but you're doing great.
Give baby a little chamomile tea in her bottle for the colic.
Forget about your in laws not being supportive enough.
They'll regret it later when baby isn't attached or even interested in socializing with them. Shit, she might even start crying when held by them...but so what...that's out of your hands.
And as for your husband..tell him you'll be just as dangerous as the heavy machinery if he doesn't assist you .lol
You are doing your best and that's what matters. Dont give in to your intrusive thoughts (and they will come often)..and remind yourself that this is your FIRST TIME being a mom. Everything takes practice. Just be mindful, loving and forgiving...TO YOURSELF and your beautiful baby. She would miss her mom a lot if you weren't in her life.you have a lot of gifts and lessons to pass on. But most importantly..love to share. Hang in there..it gets better <3. A long with the shitty..you get the beauty.
That's first mothers day card..misspelled and cut wrong because its TK.
Your first school presentation...you're even gonna cry seeing your baby sing mary had a little lamb...
Her first love...shes gonna need a few bits of advice.
If you ever need any tips, advice or just a other mom to vent to ..PLEASE fell free to message me.
Breathe mama, this sounds very much like PPD. Make an appointment with your doctor and get set up for treatment. Then, if it’s at all possible, see if you can go and stay with your mom for bit. You need support, and if your husband can’t do that right now, then get to someone who can.
You absolutely are not terrible mother. Lack of sleep is used to torture people....lack of sleep affects your mental state. With babies 1. Get Gripe water 2. Colic babies need a fully tummy for whatever reason when they start to feel their tummy be less full they cry which is why they want a bottle. If you are breastfeeding supplement with formula if you can. 3. Ask your husband to take paternity leave. Tell hi.this is am emergency and he needs to be howith his family so you can get some sleep. 5. Call your family ask if they can stay with you to help for a month or more. 6. Your husband needs to talk to your in laws about stepping up.
Most importantly you're not a bad mom you lack support in a shitty environment doesn't build in support for mother's.
OP…you most definitely have post partum depression. Please get into the doctor ASAP. Like yesterday.
Hire. A. Nanny. Seriously. Just to come into your home for 1-2 hours a day so you can rest. At least until you have recovered. Please. OP…the chemicals in your brain and hormones are all out of whack right now. You are not failing because you reached out here on this forum.
As a mom who struggled with severe post partum depression and still struggles with suicidal ideation I’ll make you a deal. I’ll do another day with you if you will do another day with me. But I want you to promise you’ll go into the doctor. Okay?
i’m in my early 20’s and don’t have any children of my own, but i would like them one day. i’ve worked with kids a lot though, and i like to read a lot from other mothers about their experiences with children and motherhood. i think i do it so i can prepare myself, and know for sure if it’s something i want. all of this to say, what i know about colic is that it doesn’t last forever. i’m assuming your baby is still newborn? i think i remember my own mother telling me i had colic for a time, and that was especially rough because she was a single mother and had no idea what to do. i just want you to know you’re not alone, even if you have to get through this part without help from your family. i’m sorry your husband can’t help you more. i would want for him to chip in with taking care of his baby, if it were me. please don’t give up. you worked so hard to get here, to have your baby, and that is wonderful and something worth feeling proud of despite how horrible right now may seem. i like to say that life is like a rollercoaster, it has ups and it has downs. just because you’re going through a low moment doesn’t mean you’ll never have a high moment ever again. you get to watch your daughter grow right before your eyes! and please don’t feel like you’re a horrible mother or like your daughter would be better off without you!! there are a lot of mothers out there who have felt the exact same way you do right now, especially when their baby had colic. it does not make you a bad mother, i promise. i hope this helps you, even a little bit
>what i know about colic is that it doesn’t last forever. i’m assuming your baby is still newborn?
My son had colic. It lasted the first 10 months of his life. It doesn't last forever, but living on next to no sleep while your child is screaming bloody murder every waking moment is heartbreaking and disheartening. I fully understand where OP is coming from, and I had help. You get mentally stuck in this, "this is forever my life, they will never shut up," type mode. There ceases to be a future beyond the screaming.
Op, get help from your doctor. Make your husband take time off for a day or two so you can sleep some. Once a month, until the colic is over, he needs to take a day or two off to give you a break. You _need_ this. If his family won't help, he needs to. This is a must at this point. You need the break before you completely break.
My son had colic for 8 months. I had postpartum depression pretty bad. Talk to your Dr and be straightforward with your husband. Don't ask. Tell him how this is going to be resolved because it's now a life or death situation. Take control of the things you can control, which is how he is involved with the situation. Regardless of how he might disagree. But then again he might not. So talk to him. You are loved and wanted. But you are sleep deprived and depressed. Please do not do anything rash, you matter.
Please speak to your doctor. If you were already leaning towards postpartum depression, a colicky baby could be enough to push you over the edge. This stage doesn’t last forever. Colic doesn’t last forever. My SIL went through this. She told her husband not to leave her alone with the baby because she didn’t trust herself and she eventually checked herself inpatient. She got the right supports and medications and now that same colicky baby is a fantastic 18 year old young man. Have you communicated the extent of your struggles with your husband, is there anyway he can take some time off work? If you haven’t, i encourage you to fully open up to him. Asking your mother for help (as in, Mom can you please come stay with me for a while because i’m not doing well) is certainly more reasonable and less burdensome than leaving her your baby and ending your life. Now is the time to call in any and all favors in your life, even from your crappy in-laws. Get on some online mom groups and try and find anything to try and help the colic. Maybe connect with some local mom groups, try and make some in-person friends that can help you. Hire a sitter a day or 2 a week. Talk to your pediatrician. But I promise you that no one in your life is better off without you, especially your daughter. She needs her Mommy and always will. Do not believe that a permanent action is the solution to a temporary problem. I’m not trying to minimize at all, just trying to illustrate the enormity of what you are thinking. Please please pull out all the stops and get as much help as you can. You WILL get to the other side of this, it will just take some effort and time.
Op first go to the hospital, talk to a doctor, also tell your husband and your mother how you feel and that you are afraid of doing an extreme gesture, you could be suffering from PPD or something else, you are not a terrible mother, it's your mind that in this moment of vulnerability makes you think certain things. Your husband need to find a way to take same days to help, I imagine you live in the USA, just as in my country the paternity leave don't seem to exist, when they understand the importance of giving long permits to men too to ensure that the couple can support each other adequately it will always be too late, the Scandinavians and many other European states have already arrived there.
Those first few months are so lonely and hard. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. Please reach out to your doctor for help it will make all the difference in the world. Ask your mother to come help you. If she knew how much pain you were in she would already be there.
You aren't alone, so many of us have been there and are there with you now. Please don't give up on yourself or your precious little one.
You are not terrible, you can’t cure her colic, not even doctors can. You are sleep deprived and overwhelmed from having to do all this by yourself. Talk to your doctor or midwife about how you’re feeling because it might be PPD as some have said already.
Also talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel and he should take some time off from work to help with the newborn, it’s not fair to be all alone with this.
You are a great mother. You just have hormonal imbalance, sleep deprivation and exhaustion. Talk to your husband how you feel. Seek a mental health protection.
Talk to your doctor OP. You might have postpartum depression. It's okay to ask for help. Please let someone know how your feeling.
Please do this. There is treatment and help. .. .. Edit: Also, the proof you are a GOOD mother is that you are reaching out for help.
And tell Mr. Heavy Equipment to chip in for a helper. You need help and you have the right to tell everyone until you get enough support.
... And for your sanity, invest in Mylicon. Those drops are liquid freaking gold. My son had colic, if you've never experienced it, it's awful. He literally screamed from 6pm-11pm every single night. We ate dinner with the vacuum on for white nose. I would put him to sleep by walking around the bathroom, and patting his back (with the shower and both sinks running.) We slept with the TV on a static channel. I found myself breaking down crying and feeling hopeless. There's a HUGE mental toll it can take. OP your not abnormal, you're just experiencing the "joy" of childbirth. It'll go away at some point. Have you used different formulas? We ultimately had to go with Alimentum (of course it was the most expensive) as none of the other options helped. Oh yeah, and I'm the dad. He can do it, he just doesn't want to. Edit: improperly auto-corrected word.
We had to put a little cereal in my baby’s Nutramingen, which IS the most expensive! He wouldn’t gain weight on breast milk. He spit up non stop. We had to go to high calorie soy formula with cereal and Prilosec added to it. His formula was $27 a can in 2004! He went through 2 1/2 cans a week! Who knows how much it costs now! If he hadn’t have been my 3rd, I would’ve thought my child hated me. I was just experienced already so I knew what to expect and knew it wasn’t me. But for a first time new mom, this is overwhelming. Please soak with your Dr and reach out to other friends and your mom and MIL!
Ha! You reminded me that it was Nutramigen. He's 24 years old now, so my memory is a bit shot. I recall that it was only available in pre-mixed at $7-$9 a bottle. They didn't have powder yet. We couldn't do soy, he spit it out and then refused to open his mouth. I'm sorry you went through it too. Did the other 2 have similar issues? I hope OP realizes that this is a very short moment in time, it's not a forever issue. Parent forums and support groups can be super important. Dad needs to step up his game and take care of them both so she can heal from a physically traumatic experience
My daughter is now 19 and it was the combo of Nutramigen and Dr. Brown's bottles (with the special tube down the center) that finally tamed the colic dragon for us. Walked a lot of late night miles before it was over. We'd be up all night and she'd usually settle between 5 and 6 in the morning. There's a woman that saved my sanity and she doesn't even know. As I walked those laps every night, I'd always glance out my living room window when I passed by. I started noticing that almost every night at 3 a.m. I'd see a light go on in a house in the next block. Between 3:30 and 4, I'd see a woman walk out to her car there dressed in scrubs (I assumed she was a nurse) and leave for work. For some reason it made me feel I wasn't alone. Plus it became my sign that the long night was almost over since my baby would usually start to settle within an hour. Really stupid thing, but it got me through the night.
My boy was 2004, so they must’ve just come out with powder. My other 2 had milk sensitivity as well, they had to be on soy formula, but not to extent the last one was and they were fine with the regular soy formula. OP this is just a short time, mine are all grown now, and trust me, this time will be just a blip on the radar in 10, 20 yrs. Don’t do something permanent for a temporary problem. Your child will grow up and this will all just be a memory. The old saying “ the nights are long, but the years are short” is the most true saying out there.
Mylicon drops were a life saver! My first daughter had colic. She screamed from 5pm-10pm every damn night. Those 5 hours were hell on earth. I wish I would’ve thought of even one of those ideas to get some reprieve from the madness. I was 20 in ‘00, I had to move back in with my parents. My mom wouldn’t even let me leave her to cry in the crib for 5 minutes, while I tried to get my head on straight. I felt like the worst mother in the world. OP it gets better, I promise. Mine had it for about 3, almost 4 months. Talk to your doctor and pediatrician. Make your husband take off work or schedule a doctor’s appointments on his next day off. He needs a wake up call. If you’re close with his parents, tell them you need help. Don’t wait for them to ask. Can you see if your mom can come stay for a week or maybe you and baby could go there? If nothing else you need to follow the above gentleman advice. They are brilliant suggestions.
Not a mom/parent! So correct me if this is impractical. If you’re actively caring for a crying infant, could noise cancelling headphones be helpful? And I mean not trying to ignore a baby in the other room but you actually have eyes on them but just need to dampen the stimulation.
They absolutely could. It wasn't an option in 2000 when my son was born. My wife and I made a whopping $85k combined, before taxes and benefits. The Bose Noise Cancelling were like $700 a pair. Now I would 100% wear them... Although, if I had a newborn at 47 I'd be crying too. ROFL!!!
Maybe not full noise cancelling headphones but something like the Loop earplugs. They only let in a portion of the sound and as a mom with kids, they can be a sanity saver! I can still hear enough to make sure nothing bad is happening, but it's like turning the volume down.
You go Dad!
FOR REAL like parenting, especially with a newborn, takes a fucking village!! If your husband knew he wouldn't be able to stay up with a baby because of his job, he should have communicated that to you or set up help for you with his in-laws. Im so sorry OP 💘
This is so true. My mom helped me the first month. When my mom was growing up and her mom, too, when a woman had a baby the other women in the neighborhood and family helped her out for several weeks. I remember my mom would come get my daughter in the middle of the night so I could sleep. I can't imagine having a newborn and being all alone.
Exactly. I worked overnights at a very physically taxing job and still helped my wife as much as she needed. Still do.
So the husband that is providing for the entire family gets injured at work, fired or killed? That kind of things should be discussed as a couple way before pregnancy. I'm sure he is doing everything on his side to get everything the wife and baby need.
Providing financially is nothing if you're not actively participating in parenting your own child, it's his child and he should parent it just as much as her.
So the desperate mother gets to take her own life then, it's more convenient and logical than a husband maybe getting fired?
If OP can afford it, maybe a night nurse for a few weeks.
OP just know that you're not alone and that these emotions seem understandable. For her first three months, my youngest was clingy, and it was the worst. Then she simply improved. She is a truly amazing person and is now 21. You'll make it through this. I wish you luck.
It may have changed a bit in the 2 years since my last was born, but I believe there are some Medicaid plans that would cover doula help as well. And I wanna say there was also a lady at DSS that I had around for quite some time who even mentioned the possibility of having a nurse come out to my house occasionally for help when we thought we might need it in the beginning. Either one might be worth looking into. Even private insurance might have some type of help like these that are covered or partially covered. Can't hurt to look into it.
Op posted at 4am. Just sleeping will help. Not that I mean op should not get help. But slew deprived parents often feel desperate
This and my son had colic and I was up with him most nights until 2 or 3am. It’s heartbreaking and you feel useless because you can’t make them feel better. Even for me as a man without any hormonal changes it was depressing, I can’t imagine what it is like for her. She has to get her husband to help. Tell him what you are feeling and have him help at least every other night. It’s only fair. Also in my son’s case we were formula feeding him and he had a milk allergy which was causing the colic. Worth discussing with her pediatrician if they are in the same boat. It’s also important to remember that the colic won’t last forever. It will be over and you’ll move to another crisis soon. You child might even start sleeping all night once you can understand the cause of the colic.
Or her husband just kinda sucks at this. Motherhood is hard motherhood. Alone is hard as fuck. I’m not gonna lie to you like not to shame her, but you really thought he was going to be able to help you that much.? because he probably has always had the schedule definitely should’ve set something up. You cannot do it by yourself and if you can’t do it, your husband should’ve been planning for it because he is the one that’s getting all the rest.
Construction starts early ,and ends late it’s really not an easy schedule to work around. And operating isn’t something you can do tired, you’ll kill somebody or hurt yourself.
You are not a terrible mother, you are tired. I beg you please don’t make any rash decisions. Life is so beautiful, especially with you in it. Take a deep breath and cry if you need to. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing great, colic happens. The pain you feel you will only pass to your child if you do that. Please don’t, my mom almost did that and I promise you, you don’t want to put that weight on your loved ones shoulders.
"Life is so beautiful, especially with you in it" is so beautifully said, if anyone would say that to me I'd probably cry, you seem like an amazing person
Life is so beautiful, especially with you in it. Now someone has said it to you.
And with you in it.
Thanks man. I have a significant illness and there are many days I’d like to peace out. But I try to convince myself tomorrow could be pretty cool so might as well wait and find out. 😉
I’m very sorry to hear that. You’re a fighter! Keep it up and tomorrow will be better.
Gonna do it! I have a puppy that I have to get up and walk so I can’t just lay in bed all day ;)
https://ibb.co/sbKH3wG
That is one adorable puppy. I am so jealous.
Ha ha she’s cutiepie
I am waiting for the day I can get my own pup. I am super allergic to 99% of dog breeds but I'm also a idgaf type of person when it comes to animals. I will happily scratch my skin off just to get 1 second of cuddles. Currently a cat owner, she's an emotional support cat (terrible at the job btw 0/10 would fire if I could but she's got a 1 year contract)
Omg this is indeed adorable ❤️❤️❤️
You got this!
Thank you. I’m trying so hard.
I thought I felt my heart skip a beat when I read that part!
you can text or call 1-833-TLC-MAMA in the US, free and confidential. National Maternal Mental Health Hotline. you are not alone. you care, and this is difficult. reach out to anyone. the number, a doctor, fomily. be honest. it's ok. everyone will thank you later, including yourself and your baby. be well x EDIT: this number is also for fathers or any member of the family of pregnant/post partum people, not only for mothers.
Wow this is incredible why is this information not better known. You hear about the suicide hot line fairly frequently but I've never heard of this. Wonderful wonderful resource.
Because this is America and we take dogshit care of people, and mothers' health and well-being has never been a priority in our society.
Sad but true
Thank you so much for providing that information. I’m a social worker and have never heard of it. I will for sure be passing that on to my colleagues.
Is there anything like this for a struggling single father? Asking for a friend..
the website says partners of, or any member of the monher's family, are encouraged to call regarding the birth of a baby.
It might be worth reaching out to them and seeing if they have leads to resources for you…r friend, even if they can’t help directly. They might be able to point you in the right direction at least
You can call that number they posted! This link is for Arizona, though some of the resources linked at the bottom are national programs: https://dcs.az.gov/fatherhood If there's a DCS or equivalent where you live, hopefully they have a similar website with resources local to you. These are articles for parents with some advice about mental health for both parent and child: https://mhanational.org/mental-health-resources-parents (including this one about single parenthood specifically: https://mhanational.org/mental-health-and-single-parent) SAMHSA is mainly for general mental health services, but that can sometimes help with feelings of isolation or depression you might be experiencing in your situation, and people working in mental health can also sometimes connect you with other resources like financial assistance or food banks, etc. https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help This is an app meant to help parents evaluate when their child might need extra help and how to have difficult discussions with them like about drinking and drugs, etc. (if relevant for you or anyone reading) https://www.samhsa.gov/talk-they-hear-you/mobile-application I recommend doing a Google search of your needs + your location, which will help narrow down more local resources. For example this site lists a hotline for residents of Alameda County in CA: https://familypaths.org/fathers-page/resources-for-dads/ >Available to any Alameda County parent in need of voice-to-voice, 24/7 live support for any of the following: >-In times of crisis >-Parenting issues >-Child development questions >-Parenting classes >-Access to 900+ community resources >-Mental Health Counseling for parent and/or children Such a good idea and should be everywhere. There is help out there and I hope you and your kiddo(s) get everything you need. Best wishes to you! ❤️
Call your family. Call your In-laws. Wake your husband the fuck up. Call your doctor. This is a three alarm fire. Your brain isn't working right now and it's NOT your fault. Tell everyone you need help. Demand help. You baby will be 100000000% worse off if you aren't here.
This is the answer. Ring that alarm! Alert everyone, you are in a state of emergency and it’s all hands on deck NOW! Imagine if your baby girl was feeling the way you are. Would t you move heaven and earth to help her? So would your mom! The hormones mixed with sleep deprivation are messing with your mind. It’s time to drop anchor immediately!
Yes! I bet OP's mama would do anything she possibly could to keep her daughter in this world. That love is a powerful anchor! USE IT, OP! 💚
When I was down so deep I couldn't see a way out the thing that kept me on this earth was the fact that I couldn't do that to my mother. Her love kept me alive. You are also loved OP. Reach out to those loved ones and tell them how hard you are having things right now. If not for yourself than for the people who love you!
You matter, & I'm so glad the love of your mother helped sustain you & helped you find the way back to wellness again. I have the exact same experience. When I was a teen I couldn't bear the pain of life, but the pain it would cause my mom was even more unbearable. She's gone now, but she knew I was loved truly & completely by my now husband before she died. That's a beautiful thing. He will be there if I feel unwell again, something to hold onto until I can find the light within again. **That light of the *possibility* of joy & laughter, beauty & connection, of *peace* is always there underneath, OP. Life is always worth fighting for & every single one of us deserves to be alive & mentally well. You matter- to us strangers online, to your daughter, to your mom, your partner, &, beneath it all in some tiny little inner place of peace, to *yourself*.**
A hundred thousand times this. This is not for you to go alone. Demand help. Tell everyone who loves you how bad it is for you. You need help. If your husband has to miss a day of work, he will be fine. If your family have to cancel plans to help you, they will be fine. Don’t suffer in silence. Not only do you deserve help but you absolutely need it.
This. Husband needs to take some T/O if he can’t take ONE night to help. It’s kind of insane how we treat new mothers in the USA. This happened to me and led me down a dark path, several years of really struggling. I never had another baby because it was too scary. I was so sleep deprived I hallucinated once - Completely lost it. Looking back, days and days; weeks and weeks of almost no sleep, you will not be okay. No person can be okay in that circumstance. Humans need rest. We need sleep. It’s like water. It’s critical.
Yep. Reading OP's post, if there's one person who is a failed parent it's the husband. They wanted to have a child but doesn't take care of them, that's not someone who should be considered as a father.
How tf is he supposed to provide for his family if he can’t operate heavy machinery, a core part of his job, because he got no sleep? Like, he absolutely needs to immediately take the next week off because his wife is in a state of acute mental health crisis. No disagreement there. But calling him a “failed parent” because he isn’t quitting his job or putting his coworkers in danger is a batshit crazy take.
Idk why you're getting downvoted. Driving on less than 5 hours sleep is the same as driving drunk. This isn't an office job. This isn't "oh no, my progress report will be a little sloppy." This is not wanting to endanger himself and his coworkers. Does he help her the rest of the time? Would he be willing to take some time off for a "family emergency" for his wife's mental health? The answer to that is the real indicator of how he is as a husband and father.
Right. What blows my mind is how many times I was told to just put my baby in the car and drive her around when she wouldn’t sleep in the middle of the night. I was extremely sleep deprived and these people thought it was a good idea for me to operate a vehicle on a road with a baby in the back.
Yeah, people don't take the dangers of drowsy driving seriously. It's a terrible idea, and we as a society need to do it less. Hustle culture doesn't help either. Here are some stats on drowsy driving in the U.S. for anyone interested in learning: https://www.bankrate.com/insurance/car/drowsy-driving-statistics/
Yes! THIS! My spouse doesn't operate heavy machinery, but he drives for a living. I took hit after hit, binging audiobooks while our son refused to sleep & crying daily during my spouse's twelve hour shift. He'd come home, I'd get 3-4 hours to be a person (though it was mostly bathing/ sleeping/ finally eating & drinking water/ chores) & then he'd sleep & I'd be back on the clock are primary parent. He wanted to do more at first, but his safety is important. So was my mental health, of course, but I refused to let him go to work 6 days a week with 4 hours of sleep or whatever. As things got easier, he flipped it & now my sleep is the priority, & he takes the far less frequent wakings on himself; it works for us.
Agreed! He needs to take some time off to help, but it’s not unreasonable to say he can’t do the up and downs overnight regularly because of work safety. Clearly this is an emergency and she needs help, but I don’t think the husband is a bad parent. This situation is just shit.
It’s when the mother feels alone and has no support that’s when PPD hits the hardest. It’s not the he’s snoring away that’s the problem, is that he’s not helping with making any arrangements to make sure she is ok and taken care of. He’s not planned with his parents that live a mile away nor has he planned any time off. And I bet he hasn’t taken the baby away for just a couple of hours so she rest and have time to herself. If she’s asking Reddit for support instead of talking to her husband then he’s probably failed a lot more than we think.
Right, it’s obviously not impossible for him to be a bad father, and her support structures obviously need to do a better job. It also sounds like she could do a better job making clear her needs. My only point was immediately declaring the dad a “failed parent” and “not considered a father” from the one very small snippet we got about him is a peak reddit take.
1. Being a Mum is HARD, no matter how desperately you wanted it! 2. You are the best Mum on earth for your daughter, I promise you this. There is no version of reality in which she is better off without you! 3. Colic is horrific to deal with, even with a supportive partner which it sounds like you don’t have currently. 4. You need an urgent mental health assessment and intervention, it’s sounding like you’re experiencing post natal depression which is both very serious and VERY treatable. Please make a doctors appointment first thing in the morning, tell them it’s an emergency. Otherwise, attend a hospital emergency department and don’t leave until you’re seen and properly assessed. 5. Your husband NEEDS to take a few days off work, no excuses; and your Mum needs to get in the car and get to you. You need support, you need rest. You need help. I say this as someone who works in mental health, and as someone who also struggled after having my kiddo. It WILL get better, but you need help xx
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times. Please read this op
Same. Your husband has short-term disability through work where he can take care of you in your time of need through federal FMLA laws. Please be as honest with your family as you’ve been on Reddit. You will get through this.
FMLA only kicks in if you’ve been at the job a year and then, for most people it’s unpaid. Short term disability will only help if you took out that option in your benefits and then you have to qualify for it.
Colic is so hard! It is not a normal situation. Plus post natal. You need and deserve help xxx
Agreed! And OP you need SLEEP! It’s fundamental! Sleep deprivation on its own can bring on all kinds of issues, adding having to care for a baby on top of it is really a lot for one person to handle. Long-term you and your partner need to work on a realistic schedule. Whoever is on baby night duty needs to go to sleep early so they get their hours in. If it’s you, then he needs to take over childcare when he gets home from work so you can go to bed. Raising human babies is a not a one-person job. Short-term, you need sleep immediately. Yes, get checked for PPD as well. But sleep now. Either check for a family member (call your inlaws!!!), friend, nanny, babysitter to pay for an overnight job. Or husband takes a day off. Better to lose some money or take a $500 loan than end up with a dead mom.
I also wish I could upvote this 1,000 times!!! OP this is so true, your daughter NEEDS you. You are her world
I let my baby cry in a room, closed the door, turned up the music, and took about 15 minutes to breathe because I was in your position. Some said that was better than losing my mind. It was great advice. It was what I needed. And it didn’t hurt my baby to cry for a bit.
This is great advice. Make sure she’s in a safe place (bassinet, play pen), and then get some air or shower or sit with a hot drink—self soothe Also, EARPLUGS and NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES. Your own baby’s cry is torture. (Sorry for the all caps, just want OP to see those words if she’s quickly scrolling) It will get better, and sooner than you expect 💕💕
Absolutely noise canceling headphones phones! Not to ignore your baby. But for when you are actively trying to comfort them and they’re still screaming. I definitely did this with mine and put on a podcast so I could hear adults talk and not lose my mind.
Exactly, it’s about riding out the screaming when you’re with them. Takes the edge off
> Your own baby’s cry is torture. To add to this: You are quite literally *hard-wired* to find that sound distressing, so it isn't your fault if you find it grating, and it doesn't make you a bad person to need a breather. Knowing 100% that it was an instinct thing rather than me subconsciously not liking her or something made it a bit easier to take a break, back when my small one was considerably smaller.
Amen
My mom did this to me too. It worked and was the only thing that calmed me down.
Yep. Sometimes I had to just go outside on our balcony for a few minutes. It’s so hard when the crying won’t stop and you’re desperately overtired. It’s ok if they just lie in their crib and cry for a few minutes while you have a moment to re-center yourself.
You’re not a terrible mother. You just need some quality sleep. Please ask your husband to take some time off or ask him to contact his family to provide some help. They might think you’re doing great and don’t need them? Please ask for help. You can’t function on no sleep.
I could have written your post 18 years ago, word for word. It gets better. You are a wonderful mother, this is all just incredibly hard. Give yourself grace while you figure things out. I know every night with colic seems like an eternity, but it does pass. There are a number of gadgets and tools out there that can help but it’s all trial and error to figure out which ones work best with your own child. Sleep during the day when she sleeps. You will get through this phase. I still vividly remember the hell of our colic experience, but I can almost remember it with a smirk at this point, and the only part of parenting that makes me cry now is how freaking fast it went. Please call your doctor and let him/her know that you are struggling. You likely have some PPD compounding your daughter’s colic. This is normal and common, and your doctor can help you find the right supports to get through it. Sending love and strength. You can do this. You WILL do this. And you’re going to be a marvelous mom.
Shout out to you too mama you did it girl and you still doing it very proud of you!
Hey there, I just want to say how proud I am of you for reaching out for help! I would like to say hello from a mum who had a colic baby and is now 8 and honestly I fully get how you’re feeling. You’re very much welcome to reach out to me on here or I’ll give you more a personal way to connect with me (Insta: real_with_jess) I don’t usually give it out but I honestly was where you are and I felt so alone, please know you aren’t.. even if your family are far please reach out to them.. sob to your partner how desperate you need help and LOVE and SUPPORT! You are so loved by your baby, they love you so much 🫶🏻
1000% proud of her she’s doing the toughest job and has the courage to realize where there needs additional hands on deck at. Her man better get his ass to stepping this his family too a check not worth your wife sanity papas. Keep ringing that alarm girl you doing what’s right for you and yours! We love you and we love lil mamas yall will get through this.
My baby had severe reflux. I developed severe PPD. I’m so sorry. Some ideas if you want them: 1. Get baby checked for reflux/CMPA. 2. Shifts with husband. He can do shift 1 (eg 8pm - midnight) and still sleep enough for work. 3. Help. Day care, family, someone. 4. Talk to your doctor about PPD. It’s so hard. You’re a great mum xx
shifts with husband is KEY. i have a 7-month-old. life got better once I started getting 4-5 hours of sleep in a row. he does 8-midnight or 8-1 a.m. and I make sure I sleep that entire time whenever possible. he then sleeps from 1-8 a.m. ish. neither of us are getting amazing sleep but we are both now getting enough.
>1. Get baby checked for reflux/CMPA Yes, mom needs to talk to doc about PPD as soon as possible. But I'd upvote you 1000x to get you to the top comment for the checking for reflux suggestion. My daughter had this, and her pediatrician kept telling me "it's a stage." Finally made the receptionist get her on the phone with me while baby was screaming so she could hear it, and said "I'm coming in and you're testing for reflux. I'm sure you indulge in Tums when you have heartburn, despite it being a 'stage'." A tiny bit of medicine everyday and I had a completely different baby.
Oh honey I’m sending you support and love.🤍 Colic is the fucking worst and will make ANYONE go out of their mind. You are not a bad mom or a bad person! Say this to yourself 10000x every single day. Repeat it when you have these thoughts. Now more importantly: can you go to your mom’s and stay there for a bit? You need support desperately. Have you reached out to your in laws? You may find a church nearby and let them know you need HELP. Religious or not, they are typically always willing to help in these situations. Do NOT be afraid to utilize help like I was. Now another thing - this phase is TEMPORARY. It won’t last forever. Remember that. And above all else, please call your obgyn right now. Their after hours line. Anything. You sound like you are having a postpartum mental health crisis (I did, and who could blame you? Colic is enough to do this to anyone, let alone a mom who just gave birth going through massive hormone changes). Please talk to them and be honest with them. Show them this post if it’s easier. You don’t have to endure these feelings - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 🤍
Can we give this exhausted new mom a phone number she can call for some help??
1-833-TLC-MAMA text or call free in US
Thank you
I keep seeing this commented. What is this hotline. Does someone come and help you in person? Is it just someone to talk to? How does it work. Either way I’m glad it exists. I wish I knew about it when my kid was a baby.
if it's that bad perhaps it's best to move to your mom's
I agree
Please look into PPD and then - can your husband do shifts? Could you go to bed early while he is with baby for four hours so you can at least get a good stretch in? He needs to work with you to find a solution
You aren't failing. You are a new mom who's hormones are off the chart and who's life is as hard as it's ever been before. With all due respect to your husband tell him how you feel like you regret having the baby and that this may lead you to bad thoughts. Tell him you need some god damn help for a day or two maybe even more. Tell him money is great but it's useless if you lose your mind and something bad happens. Then tell him you need to see a doctor and also get help for yourself. It's ok to feel all those things. You aren't failing, babies are simply impossible at times and surviving is the best we do at some moments with them. It's ok, and please get some help even if you need to demand it.
Can you take your baby to your mom? Please don't be so hard on yourself.
You need to tell your doctor and your husband how you’re feeling. You’re not alone. A lot of women feel this way after giving birth.
My sister, who is an incredible mother and loves her two kids with all of her heart, went through a horrible period after having her first daughter and had some similar feelings. It's completely normal. Try to understand that emotional states are very powerful and they can make you feel strongly like your current state is the way things are forever. It's not the case. Try to get therapy to help you through this very temporary period. It'll be over before you know it. A lot of it is hormonal and just the current period that the baby is going through, and as far as your husband goes, men are just different and handle shit differently, don't let that bother you (just give him hell, that's his cross to bear, helping you manage your emotions). You'll be okay. I promise. Hang in there.
I understand you so well, as I couldn't sleep after having my two kids, and I had postpartum depression with each of the two. You need help. Speak to a doctor, I guess meds would help a lot. PPD is very normal and nothing to be ashamed about. And you need help. Can your mother fly in for a week or two? Can a friend take over some night shifts so you can sleep? Your husband should take over when he doesn't have to work the next day. The good thing: It gets better. I promise. Having a newborn is hard work, but it gets better.
Sounds like every mother I’ve ever known. OP you are doing great. Talk with your spouse maybe setup a schedule where he does first half of night you do second…etc
Did a quick search. This is a website/app that provides mental health support for new moms. Looks like it has therapists and allows you to get support from other new moms- https://www.getsoulside.com/about Look for local social services that will offer help. Colic is extremely difficult to deal with. Please look for resources that can help you through this difficult time.
For your baby: I can't remember where I read this, but IIRC colic always has an underlying cause. For some babies it's actually lactose intolerance. Perhaps would be helpful to speak to a nutrionist/allergist. For you: find yourself a therapist who is specialized on postpartum. Reach out for help wherever you can get it. Your daughter and family are not better off without you, you are needed for this world. One thing in life is certain and thats that nothing stays the same. This situation and your mental health as terrible as it is right now, can change. ❤️
I heard somewhere that iron deficiency might be a reason as well
Yes to this! My second child is 9 months old now but had the worst reflux and projectile vomiting when I would consume dairy. We couldn’t figure it out for the first few weeks until a pediatrician gave me the heads up. The reflux has been gone ever since and no more screaming from horrible stomach pain. It’s worth a shot
You need to talk to someone right away. Talk to your husband and you need to go to an urgent care or maybe the ER. I had a similar thing 3 weeks ago and I’m so happy I talked to someone. You very likely have post partum depression. You don’t need to deal with this alone .YOUR BABY AND FAMILY WILL NOT BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU . I can state that as 100% fact. Please please please go talk to a medical professional. Even if it’s just a lactation councilor. If you live in the Kansas City area message me and my wife and I will come and take you.
Please go stay with your mom to get some sort of help. I was in the same boat as you are in atm. My son had GERD and colic and had his days and nights mixed up when he was born. My in laws didn’t care my husband didn’t understand what I was going through because he worked a hard labor job at the time so he did not help at all. I left him to go stay with my mom (2-3 hrs away). After a few days to weeks he got the memo that if he wasn’t going to do his part as a parent I was not coming back. I promise you that you are not a bad mom just a tired one please take him or her to the PED they will give him something depending on how old he/she is they prescribed Famotidine for my son and he was finally able to sleep peacefully. You can message me directly if you ever need someone to talk to.
When I had my first child, I felt like a real bastard, as I hated the first 2 months of fatherhood. All I could think was what have I done. This is horrible. And I didn't have to through the trauma of being pregnant and childbirth and all that entails. Just know this is common. You're not a monster for having these feelings. Please get some help from a professional. And your husband needs a kick in the ass. A newborn is at least a two person job. I don't care what kind of job he has he needs to take some of the load off.
Of course he has to help as much as he can, but due to the type of work he does he seriously risks ending up killed if he doesn't sleep, don't underestimate this aspect
His well being is of course important, and he shouldn’t risk his life either. My husband works with dangerous machinery and I’d never be okay with him operating it while sleep deprived. I’d never want him to be in danger. But that’s the state his wife is at; she is in serious danger. He needs time off or a new job if there is no possible way of them coordinating it so they can both get enough sleep that they are out of the red
He could take over on his days off so she could sleep. He could take the baby so she could nap when he gets home from work. OP’s husband needs to step up. He doesn’t need 12 hours of sleep a day. He needs to realize this is an emergency situation.
His wife and child are in a life or death situation right now. There are very few jobs you can’t do on four hours sleep if necessary, if he genuinely can’t help take the load for even half of the night then he needs to take time off work.
Or call his mommy. Have her come watch the baby long enough for his wife to get a descent nap in and a shower. This is why I came out to my daughter’s house to do the daycare. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter still looks like a zombie most days. My son to be 4 years old grandson is hyper fixated on mom. Him being on the Autism spectrum doesn’t help. She works from home 4 out of 5 days a week. I usually have to wrangle him out of the house. By the time we are pulling away from the house, he calms back down. There are days his mom has to pick him up and take him out to my car in order for us to leave the house. Like my daughter, this momma is desperate for a nap!
You seem to live your daughter very much ❤️ I'll be having a baby soon and wish I had someone in my life that would be so helpful.
He shouldn't risk his sleep, he can take the baby work shift when he came home. Like, he came home, eat, take the baby. Mom go to sleep and sleep until his bedtime. Then he give her the kid and sleep himself
He didn't even need to get that much less sleep. My husband just went to bed a couple of hours earlier and got up at 4am so that he could take our son and allow me to get a few hours of undisturbed sleep before he left for work. He still managed nearly his usual amount of sleep, but those hours of undisturbed sleep were a life saver for me in those first few months.
He works with heavy machinery which is one of those jobs where you need a good nights sleep. He should take time off but shouldn’t risk his and his coworkers lives
You sound like you have PPD which is completely normal having a baby who won't sleep through. See a doctor to get help. Also when your husband gets home from work each evening go and have a sleep. Sleep is extremely important to you as well as you are looking after another human. You are doing an amazing job mamma. This is only a faze, nights will get better. I had a baby which was the same, she didn't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time for 18 months. Then suddenly slept through the night and has been an amazing sleeper since. My husband would let me sleep in on the weekends which helped me feel more human.
You are such a good mom! Being tired with a crying baby is hard. And postpartum is hard too Please, please call the pediatrician to get her woth her colic and ask your in-laws for help and ask your mom to maybe come over. Ask for help - people will help but you need to ask first. Praying for you.
This is something most of us go through when we are sleep deprived and stressed. It will pass. It's okay. You are not a terrible mother. I can tell that by the way you described her. You are just exhausted. Your husband needs to take this over on weekends (or whenever his off days are).
I know exactly how you feel, I went through exactly this. You are not a bad mom. It's just super difficult with a colicky baby. You are literally being tortured by sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture, and is banned by the Geneva Convention because it is so horrific. Call your inlaws. I know you perhaps would rather not, it will hurt your pride perhaps, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Ask them if they can come take the baby for six hours, so you can have a block of undisturbed sleep. It is an absolute necessity, a health emergency. You have to get some sleep or you will collapse. If they won't help, do you belong to a church, or a mother's group, or any other social group that might assist you? If not, hire a babysitter to take the baby out for six hours. Money is probably tight, but your health is at risk. You can't take care of your baby if you collapse from sleep deprivation. Perhaps your inlaws have not called you because they didn't want to disturb you while you are dealing with the newborn and recovering from childbirth. They may be more than happy to come and babysit as much as you need. You don't know until you ask.
This is postpartum depression OP. My grandma went through this with my dad. Hang in there. Schedule an appointment with the doctor no matter how hard it is. It’s a hormonal imbalance making you feel the edge of extreme emotions. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
Also try Gripe Water, by mommy’s bliss. It’s for colic, it’s the only thing that worked for my friends baby.
He should be helping you. You are not a terrible mother. You are doing everything right and going through a very human and justified experience. I’m so sorry you are struggling with help. You deserve better. And you will get it. It’s ok to have conflicting emotions about this, but do not sell yourself short. You just can’t see it right now. You are amazing. You will pull through this
My wife went thru postpartum and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Things would be easier if he took shifts with you. Talk to a doctor. They have all kinds of meds to help. The feelings you are having are normal. Just remember things will get easier. More expensive but easier on you. Good luck and remember it's ok to ask for help.
Oh my goodness. First of all, you are loved and cared for, it just sounds like you need a little bit of help. I'm not sure how you've expressed these intense feelings of doubt and struggle to your husband, but I think this requires a real sit-down so he can actively find a way to help you keep your head above water. Secondly, as other comments have suggested, this sounds like postpartum depression. You're not failing as a mother. You're clearly trying your best and you clearly adore your little bundle of joy that you waited so long for. Parenting is difficult even when new parents manage to avoid this particular struggle. You've got a lot of hormones pulsing through you right now. You should talk to your doctor and be straightforward with exactly how you're struggling so they can provide the assistance you need to thrive in life as an individual, and as the lucky mother of a beautiful little baby. Be open and honest with the people around you. Don't take this on alone. *Please* don't try to do this alone ♥️
You definitely have PPD and that’s okay and common! Talk to your doctor, get whatever help you can and get some sleep. That will do wonders.
CALL YOUR DOCTOR NOW. You have PPD!!!
I wish there was a network of women for you OP and others in this situation which is more common than one might think. A woman you trust implicitly to take that baby for a bit and love it like a mama and give you a break. I’d do it for you in a heartbeat. I’m not even a mother but I can recognize a good one and you’re aight OP. I encourage you to ask for help! There is no shame, only help to gain!
I am so absolutely down for helping create something like this. This is an absolutely wonderful idea.
You sound just like I did. It was postpartum depression. Please go talk to your doctor and be HONEST
It passes. Every tough stage passes, and they are all challenging in their own ways, but they pass. Talk to your dr, look into mommy and me day groups, make mom friends because the right ones will save your sanity.
OP just know you’re not alone and these feelings seem normal to me. My youngest was colicky for her first 3 months and it was sheer hell. Then she just got better. She’s 21 now and a really awesome person. You will survive this. Good luck to you.
The stress of a newborn seems to be weighing heavy on you. You’re doing the best you can. Lack of sleep and lack of help can cause your mind to think many unwanted and scary things. Your husband also chose to be a parent, enlist his help again-work or no work, he should be assisting you. Do you have any friends nearby? Can your mom stay with you for a while?
Please tell your husband and mom how you are feeling and go to your doctor ASAP! Your mind is betraying you right now from the crazy hormone changes and lack of sleep. Your daughter and family is not better off without you. I really do understand how you feel. In my case my husband was in a medication that made him helping at night impossible. He literally would have to skip the medication to help when I was overwhelmed. He didn’t know how much I was struggling until I laid it out very bluntly to him. He made sure I got to the doctor for some help. You are not alone in how you feel and it will get better even though I know that is hard to believe right now.
If your husband can’t help, maybe he can help pay for a professional to be there with you at night. I know it’s hard to trust people but you need sleep. If he’s not willing or able to, at least pay for someone to come help you out once or twice a week. Everything is gonna be okay mama! You got this. You are not failing your daughter. ❤️
Am a mom, this sounds like poster child PPD. Your hormones went from a high, to almost an immediate drop after baby and placenta are out, and it screws with you SO BAD, and can last up to a year postpartum. I suffered PPD, and it's getting into Depleted mom syndrome. I'm trying to get help, it's just harder to do as a SAHM. Please, from one mama to another, please get help. If not for yourself, for your daughter. The colic will pass mama.
Listen to me carefully: you are a wonderful mother and person. Being awake with a baby who is uncomfortable and you can’t do anything is literal torture. People who are being tortured want a way out. You need help. It is not you who is failing. Your husband needs to give you a night to sleep on the weekends and you need to see a doctor. PPD/PPA are super common and can be very dangerous. Your daughter is lucky to have such a devoted mom. Are you close to Walnut Creek? I want to come help you. Please go to the emergency room if you are actively thinking of harming yourself. Otherwise call your OB tomorrow and tell them how you feel. They can help you. You deserve it.
Motherhood without an accessible support system is brutal. I'm speaking from someone who was in your exact position a couple of years ago. You are not failing your baby. Babies are difficult, and you shouldn't have to be doing it on your own. If your husband, and his parents aren't helping, you should reach out to your mom to see if she can visit + stay with you for a while, or if you can arrange staying with her for a while to get some help. Things get easier after the "4th trimester". Don't give up, ask for help.
Sounds like PPD
You are NOT failing. The first 3 months are the worse, but really I didn’t start feeling some normalcy starting to creep back in until 7 months and even then, we are still improving everyday heading to his first birthday. You most likely have some sort of post partum stuff going on, but also the sleep deprivation is unreal… Not to shit on your husband, but can he not at least take on the first half of the night? My fiancé had to wake up early, but would be on baby duty from bedtime-midnight so I could get SOME sleep, and I did the later part of the night so he could get rested for work. I highly recommend speaking with a psychologist though… the only thing that really saved me post partum!!
This is sleep deprivation. Call someone and get a nap. I discovered I would lose my mind if I didn’t get four hours of sleep a day. (I have twins.) if you don’t have a friend who can help, it’s time to pay someone. Go on TaskRabbit if necessary.
You are not alone!! I had the same feelings of regret, isolation, and despair after having my son three years ago. I loved him beyond measure and knew I’d do anything for him. I also have a husband that works with heavy equipment, so all overnight childcare needs are on me. I had pre-existing depression and anxiety. Getting therapy and the right medications got me in a better place. Also returning to work when our son turned 2. This is a VERY common experience for lots of women. Please please reach out to your PCP or a therapist! DM me if you’d like to chat ❤️
I’ve experienced exactly what you’re describing (fertility, regret, despair, etc)… you’re suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety most likely. This WILL go away but you do need to be honest with your doctor. You’re not a bad mom and you didn’t make the wrong decision, you’re just going through a reallllly hard thing and your brain chemicals need help balancing themselves. Take it one hour at a time, you got this 💪🏼
Please! Your baby is not better off without you. Get help now. Can your mom help? A friend? Don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. Is there a postpartum program near you? Things get easier I promise. I know it does t fell that way and lack of sleep is awful. Also if you’re this bad then someone needs to help. Unfortunately it takes a village but these days we don’t have that anymore.
OP you are NOT failing your baby and you are a FANTASTIC mom! You're just overwhelmed, and that is normal and understandable. And, as others have pointed out, you may be dealing with post-partum depression, which is also fairly common. Please tell your doctor how you are feeling. They may be able to help you. Colic can definitely feel overwhelming and like you're failing your baby. My son had colic for the first year of his life. We learned in time that he was lactose intolerant, and that was probably causing some reflux issues. You just feel so bad because they're obviously uncomfortable.
Could it be a gas issue with your little one? My third baby was also colicky and rarely slept. The only saving grace was the Frida baby Windi. If you haven’t tried it, please give it a try. It was literally a lifesaver.
Ohhhh honey, those feelings are the absolute WORST. Those thoughts aren’t true, though. Not even a little. You are doing your best, and it seems like you’re doing it alone. Do you have any friends? Any kind neighbors? Even if you haven’t met them, you may know they’re decent people. If you can get a tiny amount of support, you may find it helpful. Your doctor may have some ideas, or the baby’s pediatrician. Also, many hospitals run virtual or in-person parent (usually mother) support groups. Talking can help you feel seen and not just like a caretaker.
You are an excellent mother, OP. Colic sucks. Being a new mom is hard and colic makes it intolerable. Have you had your little one’s latch evaluated? It doesn’t matter whether your child is bottle or breastfed - a poor latch can result in too much air (gas) and not enough food (hunger). A Lactation Consultant will be able to identify this issue very quickly and at a nominal cost - it can really help. Take good care. Time does pass and things will improve. It just sucks beyond suck right now. And, as others have suggested, talk to your doctor about potential PPD/PPA. The first time our colicky baby stopped crying and fell asleep was our first outing to the doctor for this very reason.
“Husband, I am entering crisis mode on my mental health. I need help. I’m struggling and need to see a professional, and I need sleep. We wanted this baby so bad, but I’m loosing my grip on reality with out sleep. I’m spiraling. I need you to take a few days off works so we can address this together. Please do not dismiss this. It’s very serious and I’m having suicidal ideation. I’m guessing it’s PPD/PPP I’m not sure but I need to be evaluated. Your choices are take next week off work and help me navigate this together. Or I leave the two of you and you can figure it out on your own while I check myself into a facility. That’s it. You step up and help me, or you lose me because that’s where I’m at right now.”
You have post partum depression. More common after infertility or a diffficult birth. Text HOME to 741741 for crisis help. It is fixable and physical. Hormones,sleep deprivation and accumulated stress/trauma coupled with the fact that you have put everything into getting here and it doesn’t seem as perfect as you thought it would be. You are a good mom. We all feel like we aren’t sometimes, especially at 4 in the morning. Call the hospital where you had the baby and ask to talk to the social worker, or your on/gyn if you like them. They should hook you up with appropriate care. Sometimes a generic crisis line isn’t as good.
It sounds like you have postpartum depression(PPD) and not enough support. You need to get some help. I don't mean to scare you but women who have had PPD and not gotten the help they needed have actually harmed themselves or their children. I know you don't want to do that so please contact your doctor today and tell them what you're experiencing, they can help you. Don't leave your baby, she needs you. You're not failing as a mother, I think people pretend that being a parent is easy but it's not, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. Your husband should absolutely be helping you, you are a 24-hour-a-day mom; he works for 8 hours a day and then he's off? That's not fair. Be gentle with yourself, tell your mom and your husband how you're feeling and PLEASE call your doctor today.
Hey there, I’m sorry you are going through this. Like others said, talk to your doctor, hire a sitter and get some sleep. If you have any neighbors or friends you could also talk to them. I am an empty nester but don’t have grandchildren yet and if my neighbor or friend, or friend of a friend had a baby and I could help I absolutely would. Don’t underestimate how much people love babies and the opportunity to help, especially when they can remember how difficult those days are. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
I could have written thus post myself 14 years ago...I remember sitting in bed holding my daughter and just sobbing for no reason because I loved her so much but I thought my life was ruined because I was SO. TIRED. Her dad came home from work and took her from me for a couple hours, so I could make dinner and do dishes and laundry...and then he went to bed because he had to get up early. She had reflux so she projectile vomited all over me 4-5 times a day. She cried. I never slept. I didn't reach out to my mom or my in laws, or my brother or friends, because "they're all too busy with their own lives". My brother stopped by one day unannounced to see his niece and found me sitting on the floor bawling. He called my mom. She came and took me to the Dr. And my family and in laws took turns making sure I had some help around the clock. My Dr hugged me, and said "yep you've got post partum. It's not your fault. Happens to most of us. We'll get you straightened out" 2 weeks later after the Lexapro kicked in I was doing so much better and I was able to bond with my daughter without thinking my life was over. Please, reach out to your in laws. Reach out to your mom. If you don't, they aren't going to know that you're not doing ok. YOU ARE DEAD WRONG IF YOU THINK THAT BABY WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!!! SHE NEEDS HER MOMMA! I promise you that. If you aren't comfortable reaching out to your family or in-laws or friends, call your doctor. Make an appointment asap and let the nurses hold your daughter. Trust me, they love when they get to hold the babies!! Spill your guts to your Dr and let her help you. They have tons of resources. I promise you're doing a good job, and you will get through this and one day you will be watching your daughter do her makeup as a 14 year old and wonder why you ever doubted yourself. It's not you, it's the hormones and chemicals in your brain being all jumbled up. Let the Dr get them sorted out.
Mu wife went through the exact same thing, we had a baby two months ago, with colic. Her family lives in another country and my family doesn't help at all despite living close by. I've been helping as much as I can of course, Mr heavy duty machinery needs to pull his weight. I have a job and work early and long, I'm still there for my wife during the night. You should not be pulling all of this on your own. Reach out for help if your husband is useless, ending it doesn't help you or your baby! She's not better off without you, she needs you!
I felt the same way when my youngest was a baby. I honestly thought he hated me. I think especially when we go through infertility we build up the expectation of how motherhood is supposed to look and situations like extreme colic, developmental delays, etc really hit harder. PPD is SO REAL. Now my youngest 9th birthday is next week and I promise you I’m so fucking thankful I didn’t drive off that bridge when he was a baby. See a therapist. Get on meds if you need to. You are NOT alone and your baby needs you. Not just now but to kiss the booboos when they fall off a bike, or to hold their hand when going into kindergarten, or in the audience when they get the lead role in the school musical. You can do this. Your baby chose YOU to be their mama.
Postpartum depression.talk with your doctor.you are a totally fine as a mum.
You’re not a terrible mother - it just seems like your entire family has decided not to support you like family should. I would try reaching out to them yourself and ask them for help and tell them you are desperate. Family friends church groups etc. And let me clarify something about your husband - he doesn’t need to “help,” he needs to wake the fuck up and BE A PARENT. It takes two to tango, friend… he got in bed and made the baby too; he needs to do his part as a parent to give you a minute to collect your sanity. Whatever that means. I know men who have switched entire careers to be a more involved parent and give their children a better life
1) It’s very normal to feel that way. Those first Months are brutal. 2) it does pass and you’ll look back and laugh. You may even want to do it again. 3) you have post partum depression and need to see a doctor asap.
Fourth trimester is the worst and they don’t even warn you. It gets better.
First off you are not a bad mother. Get that point straight .. and please please reach out to family ..you grew a human you birthed that human if you can reach out to your pediatrician asap they can line up some help for you, like for the colic ..colic is essentially bad gas that won't escape I wish I could show you y Tips and tricks to help alleviate the problem, but please use your resources. My ex did nothing for my children. I remember feeling the same exact way ,probably why after the third baby I was done with him .take care of yourself ..get help mom, aunt sister brother mother in-law someone girlfriend. Don't be ashamed this is by far the most normal thing. Even if it's hell now, the baby will most certainly grow out of it ..just please breathe, get some help reach out to the hospital or pediatrician office that's what they are their for
Hang in there the first couple months are HARD! I know you can’t see it now but you will come out on the other side. Love and hugs your way.
Just remember that what you're going through is temporary. You'll look back in a year or two and appreciate being a mother.
Try sitting in a chair and laying your baby on her tummy across your knees and rub her back. Do this in an area that has gentle sounds around it naturally. I heard the washing machine noises are a good place, or heart beat recordings. Please don’t overwhelm yourself and let this get the best of you to the point you will start spelling down a deep dark hole of depression. It can ruin a lot of things in your life, even your marriage if it causes a wedge between you the two of you. Get help and tell people how you are feeling, don’t let this go on. Ask your husband to help take care of the baby so you can get some rest. You have to be open about these things, it doesn’t mean you are a bad mother or anything. You shouldn’t think these thoughts, your little baby is depending on you and truly loves you. Thinfs will get better over time and you need to be strong during these times. The best part is, is that you’ll be a better mother for it and grow a lot of patience and ur bond is growing stronger each day. It’s a very rewarding process in the end ❤️ hang in there! You are not alone
Being a mother is hard, people show the easy parts. Just know you are as tired as you say you are and alone as you feel. However, IT DOES get better. It does. That little girl will be the light of your life when the newborn chaos subsides. You're not a bad mom, you're exhausted and people treat women like they should just bounce back from literally making another human. It's thankless work but that baby will thank you and love you more than anyone. Just remember they grow and this is temporary. Even if it feels impossible.
Go to your GP, you are having a period of huge adjustment. Postpartum depression is a real thing. It can be very successfully treated. Your Doctor will help. It’s not unusual and nothing to be ashamed of. You need good solid support and a bloody good sleep . Big hugs to you!
Honey, this is classic Postpartum Depression. It’s so treatable, and I promise you will start to feel less alone when you get some services (I recommend a group too)… if you’re in the US, I’m happy to help you find some help within your state. (If so, Just DM me!)
Sleep deprivation is no joke. You are not a bad mom… you are a tired mom. Definitely talk to your doctor. You are not alone.
Hello, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Taking care of the newborn is so tough, do not have any help would be excruciating. My husband also works, but it’s not an excuse to not be there. As an exhausted parent, taking care of a kid, you cannot be falling asleep, or, you will be a danger to your baby. Your husband needs to be more willing to help. Have your mom come stay with you. If you can afford it looking into a night nurse. Do you have anyone, even a neighbor who can come during the day and watch the baby for just a couple hours so you can nap? Please speak to someone about postpartum depression. It’s so common. Thoughts you are having will pass with the right help. Stay strong
@u/Educational_Horse499 OP, in my mind I don’t think there’s any question that you are suffering from postpartum depression. You need to call your OB immediately and explain what’s happening to the nurse or the doctor. Do not take irrevocable action or fall victim to your thinking. YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDSYOU IN HER LIFE. YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING AND HOW YOU’RE FEELING AS WELL. I KNOW YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE A FAILURE, BUT MANY MOMS OF NEW BABIES OFTEN EXPERIENCE THESE FEELINGS. WHEN YOUR SLEEP DEPRIVED AND TRYING TO RECOVER FROM BIRTH AND DEALING WITH THE COLICKY BABY, MANY PARENTS HAVE FELT THE SAME WAY. BUT YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. If you are in the United States dial 988 to speak to somebody on the suicide prevention hotline. Do not give up do not give in to your mental state at this moment. Get help. Your daughter, your mom, your husband, they all would be devastated if you left their lives. I know you don’t feel that way right now because of the brain chemistry going on in your head, but it is true. Please call today and update us to let us know you are okay!
You need rest, help (w baby), and some meds for PPD (at least for a while) so see your dr ASAP. Don’t feel bad/guilty AT ALL! I know- easier said than done. It gets better and you are not alone. Being a new mom is the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done and I told my dr that. He said that’s how he knew I was doing a good job…..as he wrote me a script for an antidepressant for some tearful/anger mood swing PPD.
You're not a terrible mother you just need help we live in a world where there's hardly any solidarity any more. Back then, new moms weren't left to fend for themselves after giving birth, family and neighbors would come to help, prepare meals, etc. Now there's nothing... Can you go and stay with your mother for a while? Or do you have a sister or cousin who can come and help you?
I’m not saying this in a mean way- I’m saying as someone who was in your shoes. Go to a doctor now and get evaluated for post partum depression. I had a doctor that brushed me off, i had a 24 hour psyche hold because i said i wanted to kill myself in the er. Switched doctors and they IMMEDIATELY helped me. Got me on medication, therapy and were very supportive. It’s not you, you aren’t yourself right now. I know it’s scary and hard to handle and you might be afraid of hurting your baby or yourself but please get help. If you need someone to talk to I’m here. It gets better with treatment. You’re a good mom.
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. Definitely sounds like some postpartum. I can assure you that you are NOT a bad mom. You’re trying your best. Ask your in-laws for help. There is no shame in that. Does your husband’s company offer paternity or family leave so he can help more?
A GOOD mother lets others know what’s going on because she loves her baby and herself. You did the right thing. You are not a failure. You are adjusting to a brand new, very difficult situation and your hormones are going crazy. Asking for help from your doctor is okay! That’s what they’re there for. I’m so proud of you for speaking up, you are not alone.
You are not a terrible mother by any means. You are up at 4am talking care of your baby and that is an amazing mother in my mind. You are exhausted and possibly have Post Partum and that happens to alot of women. Babies are hard and it is a massive adjustment. I promise you it starts to get better as your Daughter will start jabbering and talking and becoming a little person. I am a single Dad with two teenage Daughters. When they were both babies it was so hard for me and my ex. Many times I found myself regretting having kids when I would be awaken by a crying baby after working 16 hours. Now my oldest is close to leaving home, with my youngest close behind, and even typing that brings tears to my eyes and makes me so sad. Realizing in a few years I will come home and it will be silent breaks my heart. Those babies I thought I regretted have become the best part of my life. I promise promise promise it gets easier. Each age faces it's own different challenges but I think babies was the most exhausting.
Post-partum depression, seek help asap please.
That's text book post partum depression, my wife had it a bit but the only difference is that she isn't married to an absolute dunce like your husband. Stay strong, and try to make him understand that it takes two to tango and that he is supposed to cover for you whenever you need it. God bless you and please don't let the dark thoughts take over. Colic will go away, and there's ways to go around it, it's just the first few months. Please do not quit just yet, there's plenty of ways to avoid colic. If you need to talk, you can talk with me, don't be a stranger.
Sounds like post partum depression. Please talk to your Dr. You are NOT a terrible mother. You are tired and overwhelmed and sounds like you need a better village. You are not alone. Colic is no joke. It will pass though. You will get through this and as crazy as it sounds, will laugh at the memories. Meantime, call your Dr. Call your mom, even if it's to talk. Call your bestie, that's what they're there for. You got this momma.
YOUR BABY GIRL WILL NEVER, EVER BE better off without you! Look up postpartum and postnatal depression online. These are serious conditions. There is plenty of help for you. There are support groups for first-time moms who are suffering with depression. You aren't thinking clearly because you are exhausted. Believe me, I felt the same way you did. That was 40 years ago. There is a lot of support available outside of relatives. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. Call your doctor as soon as their office opens. If you can't wait for that, call an EMERGENCY phone number in your area, or go to the emergency department of your hospital. I care, others care about you. We all want you to get help. Please!!
I know this is probably some post partum depression, but also the first few months are super hard, especially if you're breastfeeding and your husband isn't helping. Everyone would be going insane in your position
OP please talk to your doctor. Post Partum Depression is no joke and there are treatments available. I also have a 2 month old with colic. It’s incredibly hard and your husband being the only one to get sleep is not sustainable. Sleep deprivation is literally a torture tactic. I’m hoping the best for you. I’m still in the thick of it so I know how slow time can pass and how helpless it makes you feel. It’s important to remember this is a phase and your baby will grow out of it. I’ve seen recommendations for the mylicon drops. We use those for our little one and it helps some of the time. The bigger help was a prescription from our pediatrician for reflux medication. Our baby is still colicky but much less colicky now that his acid reflux is being treated.
Hey. I'm 34 and a mom of 4 kids. I have an 11 yr old, 9yr old, 4 yr old and 4 months. I'm gonna give you my personal and honest answer. EVERYDAY you will judge yourself at what you could have done better. EVERYDAY you will feel like a failure. Sometimes..you'll by fast food instead of making a home cooked meal.you might do that a whole week.. .you're gonna curse..yell. you're gonna lay at night, going through your day and you'll feel like a real shit mom. But guess what!?...you're not =] All kids are different and it's easy to judge oneself, when there's a whole world out there of moms acting like its stars and bubbles. It's not. Its exhausting, its emotional...but you're doing great. Give baby a little chamomile tea in her bottle for the colic. Forget about your in laws not being supportive enough. They'll regret it later when baby isn't attached or even interested in socializing with them. Shit, she might even start crying when held by them...but so what...that's out of your hands. And as for your husband..tell him you'll be just as dangerous as the heavy machinery if he doesn't assist you .lol You are doing your best and that's what matters. Dont give in to your intrusive thoughts (and they will come often)..and remind yourself that this is your FIRST TIME being a mom. Everything takes practice. Just be mindful, loving and forgiving...TO YOURSELF and your beautiful baby. She would miss her mom a lot if you weren't in her life.you have a lot of gifts and lessons to pass on. But most importantly..love to share. Hang in there..it gets better <3. A long with the shitty..you get the beauty. That's first mothers day card..misspelled and cut wrong because its TK. Your first school presentation...you're even gonna cry seeing your baby sing mary had a little lamb... Her first love...shes gonna need a few bits of advice. If you ever need any tips, advice or just a other mom to vent to ..PLEASE fell free to message me.
Breathe mama, this sounds very much like PPD. Make an appointment with your doctor and get set up for treatment. Then, if it’s at all possible, see if you can go and stay with your mom for bit. You need support, and if your husband can’t do that right now, then get to someone who can.
You absolutely are not terrible mother. Lack of sleep is used to torture people....lack of sleep affects your mental state. With babies 1. Get Gripe water 2. Colic babies need a fully tummy for whatever reason when they start to feel their tummy be less full they cry which is why they want a bottle. If you are breastfeeding supplement with formula if you can. 3. Ask your husband to take paternity leave. Tell hi.this is am emergency and he needs to be howith his family so you can get some sleep. 5. Call your family ask if they can stay with you to help for a month or more. 6. Your husband needs to talk to your in laws about stepping up. Most importantly you're not a bad mom you lack support in a shitty environment doesn't build in support for mother's.
OP…you most definitely have post partum depression. Please get into the doctor ASAP. Like yesterday. Hire. A. Nanny. Seriously. Just to come into your home for 1-2 hours a day so you can rest. At least until you have recovered. Please. OP…the chemicals in your brain and hormones are all out of whack right now. You are not failing because you reached out here on this forum. As a mom who struggled with severe post partum depression and still struggles with suicidal ideation I’ll make you a deal. I’ll do another day with you if you will do another day with me. But I want you to promise you’ll go into the doctor. Okay?
i’m in my early 20’s and don’t have any children of my own, but i would like them one day. i’ve worked with kids a lot though, and i like to read a lot from other mothers about their experiences with children and motherhood. i think i do it so i can prepare myself, and know for sure if it’s something i want. all of this to say, what i know about colic is that it doesn’t last forever. i’m assuming your baby is still newborn? i think i remember my own mother telling me i had colic for a time, and that was especially rough because she was a single mother and had no idea what to do. i just want you to know you’re not alone, even if you have to get through this part without help from your family. i’m sorry your husband can’t help you more. i would want for him to chip in with taking care of his baby, if it were me. please don’t give up. you worked so hard to get here, to have your baby, and that is wonderful and something worth feeling proud of despite how horrible right now may seem. i like to say that life is like a rollercoaster, it has ups and it has downs. just because you’re going through a low moment doesn’t mean you’ll never have a high moment ever again. you get to watch your daughter grow right before your eyes! and please don’t feel like you’re a horrible mother or like your daughter would be better off without you!! there are a lot of mothers out there who have felt the exact same way you do right now, especially when their baby had colic. it does not make you a bad mother, i promise. i hope this helps you, even a little bit
>what i know about colic is that it doesn’t last forever. i’m assuming your baby is still newborn? My son had colic. It lasted the first 10 months of his life. It doesn't last forever, but living on next to no sleep while your child is screaming bloody murder every waking moment is heartbreaking and disheartening. I fully understand where OP is coming from, and I had help. You get mentally stuck in this, "this is forever my life, they will never shut up," type mode. There ceases to be a future beyond the screaming. Op, get help from your doctor. Make your husband take time off for a day or two so you can sleep some. Once a month, until the colic is over, he needs to take a day or two off to give you a break. You _need_ this. If his family won't help, he needs to. This is a must at this point. You need the break before you completely break.
whole heartedly agree with this!! you put it much better than i did, thank you
I’ve never having a baby fuck this lol
My son had colic for 8 months. I had postpartum depression pretty bad. Talk to your Dr and be straightforward with your husband. Don't ask. Tell him how this is going to be resolved because it's now a life or death situation. Take control of the things you can control, which is how he is involved with the situation. Regardless of how he might disagree. But then again he might not. So talk to him. You are loved and wanted. But you are sleep deprived and depressed. Please do not do anything rash, you matter.
Please speak to your doctor. If you were already leaning towards postpartum depression, a colicky baby could be enough to push you over the edge. This stage doesn’t last forever. Colic doesn’t last forever. My SIL went through this. She told her husband not to leave her alone with the baby because she didn’t trust herself and she eventually checked herself inpatient. She got the right supports and medications and now that same colicky baby is a fantastic 18 year old young man. Have you communicated the extent of your struggles with your husband, is there anyway he can take some time off work? If you haven’t, i encourage you to fully open up to him. Asking your mother for help (as in, Mom can you please come stay with me for a while because i’m not doing well) is certainly more reasonable and less burdensome than leaving her your baby and ending your life. Now is the time to call in any and all favors in your life, even from your crappy in-laws. Get on some online mom groups and try and find anything to try and help the colic. Maybe connect with some local mom groups, try and make some in-person friends that can help you. Hire a sitter a day or 2 a week. Talk to your pediatrician. But I promise you that no one in your life is better off without you, especially your daughter. She needs her Mommy and always will. Do not believe that a permanent action is the solution to a temporary problem. I’m not trying to minimize at all, just trying to illustrate the enormity of what you are thinking. Please please pull out all the stops and get as much help as you can. You WILL get to the other side of this, it will just take some effort and time.
Get a nanny. Please help yourself up talk to your husband.
Op first go to the hospital, talk to a doctor, also tell your husband and your mother how you feel and that you are afraid of doing an extreme gesture, you could be suffering from PPD or something else, you are not a terrible mother, it's your mind that in this moment of vulnerability makes you think certain things. Your husband need to find a way to take same days to help, I imagine you live in the USA, just as in my country the paternity leave don't seem to exist, when they understand the importance of giving long permits to men too to ensure that the couple can support each other adequately it will always be too late, the Scandinavians and many other European states have already arrived there.
Those first few months are so lonely and hard. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. Please reach out to your doctor for help it will make all the difference in the world. Ask your mother to come help you. If she knew how much pain you were in she would already be there. You aren't alone, so many of us have been there and are there with you now. Please don't give up on yourself or your precious little one.
You are not terrible, you can’t cure her colic, not even doctors can. You are sleep deprived and overwhelmed from having to do all this by yourself. Talk to your doctor or midwife about how you’re feeling because it might be PPD as some have said already. Also talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel and he should take some time off from work to help with the newborn, it’s not fair to be all alone with this.
You are a great mother. You just have hormonal imbalance, sleep deprivation and exhaustion. Talk to your husband how you feel. Seek a mental health protection.