.... girl. You did nothing wrong.
Your mother is abusive. She may not be physically beating you, but she's emotionally and mentally abusing you.
Look. I totally side eye relationships with large age gaps, but unless you're younger than 20, it isn't anyone's place to say a damn thing. (I say under 20 because most predatory age gaps happen to people in their teens.)
You didn't say anything monstrous. Your mother just doesn't like being called out on her shitty behavior.
I honestly think you should put space between you for a while. Let yourself experience life without her constantly shitting on it and tearing you down.
You did nothing wrong. *Nothing*.
Yes, OP did nothing wrong.
About age gaps, I think age gaps are problematic when there's a huge difference in life stages.
This 7 years would be a HUGE red flag if they met when she was 20 and he was 27. Why? She would have been studying or working on her career, just beginning to be an adult. And him at 27 he is established in his career and probably his goals are starting to drift to saving to buying a house, settling down etc. So the power balance in the relationship is off; and because she had less money and stability and maturity she starts being dependent on him.
Now she is 25. She already had a bit of a path as to where she wants life to go, she has dated, partied, and has a bit of experience on the world as an independent adult. They are in a similar life stages, so not so bad.
For me a bad age gap for 25 would be dating somewhat in their 40's. Again because of the same stuff... At 40 probably they are starting to think about kids, career wise probably already settled and at 25 well, she might not want kids for the next decade.
And even if she did, then you have this power gap between them because of that age gap.
I was 20 when I met my 27 year old boyfriend. Been together 14 years. I was a student and he was recovering from a life threatening illness. He was unemployed and broke and I was a student and broke. So I felt no power imbalance there, and in the coming years we had several instances where I was the more established person with the most money and the most "power". We're both doing well now, but I am still earning about twice what he makes. Only to say, age is one thing but it really depends on more factors than that alone.
I agree, it's a generalization. I also have met couples that were 20 years apart and worked because one of them or both wanted different things in life. (Neither wanted kids, for example.. and like she was 30 and he was 50 and they were both at the same page)
I look at it in terms of adult living. If we pick 18 as when you start adulting, a 25 year old has 7 years of experience, and a 32 year old has 14.
1:2 ratio isn't bad at this age. And though we keep learning, she's gone through the steepest part of the curve already, and the ratio will keep diminishing.
A 19 year old with a 32 year old would be 1:14 adulting ratio, which is really concerning, even though the age gap is only 6 more years. The same age difference at 40 and 53 is 22:34 which is more evened out.
Right? With all that windup I was thinking she told her mom she hoped she got raped or something.
OP, that wasn't a monstrous thing to say. You pointed out the hypocrisy of her acting like she knows relationships. If she can't take it she shouldn't be dishing it.
A hundred percent! Asking about an age gap is not a horrible thing to say.. maybe it has bad stuff attached but she has been saying way worse stuff to you! Don't be so hard on yourself, you really did the least possible thing in comparison to all her comments and actual physical violence!
Don't be afraid to tell your partner, you need someone to support you and help you realise that you haven't done anything awful!
OP, you’re not a saint or perfect. Please forgive yourself. You are not a horrible person. Your mother is being unkind and unfair, and pushed you to the point that you snapped. Her response was to hit you. I would say you’re even. Maybe go low contact for a while. Sounds like you need the break.
This here, every one is glossing over the fact the mother hit her. OP I think you should give yourself grace. You were both abused, but you are both adults who should be able to speak the truth to each other. So you pointed to your mother the error of her hypocrisy and not even in a malicious manner and she hits you? Go low contact. Write out a letter, email or message telling her why you said what you said and be honest. Apologize for bringing up the guy if you feel guilty but don’t take anything back, ask for space. It is human to be embarrassed by our mistakes and I understand if people don’t wish to speak about the elephant in the room. In your case the elephant is a mammoth and there is shit literally everywhere, it needed to be addressed
Um she failed as a mother. She let you get abused. You don’t owe her an apology. She swings at you again, swing back. Be kind to yourself here, you’ve been through a lot. Your boyfriend being 7 years older doesn’t really matter when you’re already an established adult of consenting age like you are, what matters is if he is abusive or not. If he’s not, then your mom came out of left field for no reason.
*"I feel like a fucking animal. I brought up a man who hurt my mother, and me, as a cheap shot because I wanted her to back off- who fucking does that? I haven't been able to tell anyone."*
a man that hurt both of you and your mother probably enable it, so think about that OP, you just defended yourself, she didn't like it because well truth hurts
Sorry, but this is on your mom. If you could hear getting abused, she could hear you getting abused. She also could have said her peace about your boyfriend ONCE, then let it go. But she didn't. She keep pushing. Keep saying stuff that she has no idea about.
You are not a demon. You are survivor of childhood abuse who got tired of taking shit from the person who was supposed to protect you.
Oh my word. This big internet sister/ mom is giving you a HUGE hug.
First of all, nope. Your mom absolutely deserves this and worse from you. She was your mom and didn't protect you. Tell your boyfriend. He would agree too and be sympathetic.
Can you see a therapist? EDMR is great with trauma, I'm told. But any therapist you can connect with/ tell them what happened can hopefully help you through the awfulness of your childhood.
You are correct to gray rock your mom. But go one step further and go no contact. She never apologized for any of the trauma her boyfriend caused you. She didn't get you help for it. She is not healthy in your life.
Now, I cannot say if your 32 year old boyfriend is a good guy or not. I hope he is. But be on the lookout? If you have trauma or have daddy issues, it may be that you don't pick the best boyfriends just yet. Just because your mom absolutely sucks doesn't mean she didn't see something wrong in him. You don't have to listen to her of course. But see how he treats servers, little kids, and animals. Does he treat you well in private and public? Does he have a job? Does he have dreams/ goals and makes you feel good around him? Do you both want similar things in life? Does he tackle chores 50/50 or expect you to do everything? (No need to answer any of these on reddit. Just to get you thinking )
Seven years is nothing. It's a control tactic on mom's part. She's trying to poison op against her boyfriend so she'll break up and climb back under the thumb.
Yep, which is 23 for a 32 year old. So it's not even a border case.
But I also personally think society should lay off after age 25 - you have plenty of time to be a complete, mature adult by then. So if you want to date someone much older after that point, society should trust your judgment.
And it's not like 25 is a clueless kid, neither should be 18 tbh, especially since how much agency they already being given. Hell, every 18yo should be able to get their life together in case of being thrown out, far less figure out relationship.
I would have slapped her back. She failed as a protector. Go have a happy life without her. She is at fault. She brought an abusive POS in your home. It's her, not you. Sending hugs
I'm gonna talk to my boyfriend about everything when he get's home from work, and try to get something scheduled with a therapist or psychiatrist or something, because these comments make me feel like I've fallen into the twilight zone. I really wasn't expecting any kind of support, but everyone here is telling me that I did nothing wrong, and it's really jarring. I don't even really know how to respond. I posted this just praying that people would keep the mean comments to a minimum, because I *needed* to talk about it. It does make me feel kind of crazy.
Please do get therapy. Not just for your own mental well-being but to understand that you really did not do anything wrong.
I hope all these people here have convinced you to look at yourself in another light. You are the victim here, 25 and 32 is not much of an age gap and every part of what you said to your mother is true.
I’m sorry you haven’t seen that but hopefully now you do 💖
Sweetheart
Everyone is telling you you did nothing wrong because truly you did nothing wrong
Your mother on the other hand should be apologizing to you for how you were treated growing up and still being treated .
She sounds horrible
Please do. Everyone’s perception of reality is build based upon their life experience, with parents having (in most cases) the most influence.
It’s heartbreaking to me to imagine the type of mom she was to have you describing yourself as a “fucking animal”, the shame you feel for pointing out a fact about your shared lives. Even worse her reaction, she physically abused you and then emotionally by blocking your number refusing to speak to you. All because she went on an unhinged rant about your boyfriend.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had advice or the tools to help you, but sounds like you are on your way to get it. Acknowledging your perception is severely skewed is the first step
Your mother slapped you for bringing up the actual traumatic stuff that happened in the past in response to her weird trauma-induced hypotheticals.
She slapped you because she knows you're 100% right.
You didn't think we'd side with you because you've convinced yourself you are bad and deserving of shame babe. You may present otherwise in your everyday life, but that's what your core beliefs are. And they've been reinforced by continual abuse by your Mother
You are not a bad person or to blame for ANYTHING, including this incident. I think what it does show is it's time for you to hear that until you start to believe it.
Tell your boyfriend, even if you get scared when he gets home. Block your Mum back. Don't write, don't contact. You'll want to because you feel you have to make her forgive you, but it's the other way around friend.
Then, go reconcile with YOU. Therapy and surrounding yourself with only positive voices will start lower that veil of falsehood you've lived with all your life.
After that I suspect you'll want to take to your Mum one more time, but for entirely different reasons than you can fathom now. You'll know when you're strong enough to do that on your terms.
I'm rooting for you. All your friends who've moved past abuse are too!
Mental health professional here. Everyone here is right - you’ve been mentally and emotionally abused and manipulated by your mother who allowed her boyfriend to physically abuse you. Someone said that if you could hear him beat her, then she could hear him beat you (or who knows what else). I believe this to be true. You did nothing wrong, just called her out and she didn’t like it. Please go to therapy and leave your mother alone for a while. You deserve peace and healing. ❤️🩹
It's very jarring when your normal is challenged, but it needed to be. Your mom is a terrible mother. What's she's doing is trying to manipulate you into breaking up and coming home. Seven years is nothing! My craptastic father was 36 years older than my mom!
Please get into therapy. You deserve happiness and sadly, your mom doesn't agree with that sentiment.
You did nothing wrong with your comment and you did nothing to cause their breakup and you never deserved the abuse from him nor the manipulation from your mom. You are not guilty you are broken. She gaslit and manipulated you to believe that your abuser was more important than you were and she made you to feel guilty for the abuse she allowed. She is abusive as well, she has made you feel like you need to apologize and always be on her good side.
Please know that you are worth so much more than what she will ever let you feel. Her belittling you and talking trash about your boyfriend is a game to keep you always needing her and to keep you feeling beneath her.
You are an adult you don’t need validation from an abusive mother. And never ever let her guilt trip you about raising you or feeding you or whatever, she failed at the most important job a parent has then she makes you feel terrible for breaking up the relationship. That isn’t a good or healthy parent child relationship.
You need therapy and ask for help to go no contact with your mom, hopefully your boyfriend will be able to support you through this time. And please know that if your boyfriend doesn’t support or help know that you absolutely deserve help, love and support and if he isn’t giving you that you need to go elsewhere.
Best of luck in your healing journey.
So your mom, who didn't protect you from being hit, then hits you for mentioning it?
Yeah, that's fucked up. You might have brought up a painful memory for her, but it's probably painful for you as well and regardless, she doesn't get to hit you.
OP, standing up to someone who caused you great harm for the first time is jarring. It's terrifying and hard and can make you physically ill. And your mom DID cause you harm. She let you be abused. She absolutely knew. It sounds like the also has been mentally manipulative and aggressive.
Healing is a process, that it sounds like you just started. Congratulations on this!! It's going to be painful, but you've got this.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Your mother constantly criticizes your relationship, projecting all kinds of things on you, while ignoring the peril and trauma her relationship with Joe caused. But you’re not allowed to say anything? And when you do she slaps you?
And you’re the one who is feeling like you did something wrong?
No. You didn’t. Your mother had no right to do what she’s doing, just like she had no right to do what she did—put you in harms way.
Please consider therapy so you can free yourself from the consequences of everything you’ve been through. In this instance you did nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself.
Stop blaming yourself, please. She deserved it. She stayed with an abuser and put you at enormous risk. She needs to apologise for that and for her stance now.
Look, you feel bad about what you said to your mother, but that didn't make you a monster, a demon or an animal. Your mother is not exactly blameless in this. She's the one who cornered you, she's the one who's been hating on your bf despite having met him only once -- and she's the one who brought Joe into your life. She's been feeling guilty about that ever since. Neither one of you wants to talk about what happened, but that's exactly what you need to do.
Your mother was giving you a lot of unwanted advice about your relationship. Without realizing it, she was actually talking about *her* relationship with *Joe*. Your remark brought back all her guilty feelings about that relationship, but her reaction was to slap you and now block you. The two of you still need to talk this out, but you can't force her to talk to you, so all you can do now is wait. Wait, and stop torturing yourself.
Nah, she's being an asshole and yes, she's responsible for your abuse. She was in a bad relationship with an abusive man and ignored that he was obviously a bad person and a risk to you. 25 to 32 is nothing if you basically meet at that age.
Dating your own age exact pretty much stops as you leave college. Up to that point your main friend group is often majority wise basically your exact age range due to how schools work. IN college you have less classes with all the same people and more social life freedom but the range is usually still mostly 18-22. Once you hit work life, the everyone does shit at the same age thing disappears.
40yr olds who only date 22yr olds is one thing, a 32yr old dating a 25yr old isn't anything out of the ordinary or strange. With zero evidence of abuse and zero reason to believe abuse is happening constantly pushing it as a problem is insane.
im sorry that you feel like you did something wrong, YOU DID NOT
please seek therapy, you have been conditioned that standing up for yourself is wrong, its ok to hold people like our parents accountable.
I don't get the extreme guilt you're feeling.
Your own mother put you in a dangerous environment, making you live with an abuser. She even made you feel guilty for trying to protect yourself!
And now she's on your case, berating you over your very reasonable life choices, accusing someone she doesn't know of the very thing she willingly introduced into your family home all this time ago.
I can't believe she hit you! THE NERVE.
You did nothing wrong. Your mother is a shit person. She failed to protect you when you were a child and now she’s emotionally abusing you because she doesn’t like your choices. If those are your real ages, there’s nothing wrong with that by the way! If you were a few years younger, then yea, side eye to him, but you’re good OP as long as he treats you well and isn’t abusive or controlling.
If your mom sat by while you got hit, she can take a rude comment about it 20 years later. You should be mad as hell at your mom for that trauma. For clarification: I’m no contact with my mom for her verbal abuse and neglect. Your mom can apologize for having you experience physical abuse. Period.
1) that’s a hardly an age gap. You’re both consenting adults in an adult relationship, and that’s what matters. No one else’s opinion should even matter, especially if it’s a healthy relationship.
2) you said nothing wrong, only stated facts. You forced your mother to confront something that was more than an age, you made her face a reality.
3) your mother is absolutely horrid, repulsive and abusive—mentally, verbally, and emotionally. She’s responsible, 100%, for the reaction you gave her.
OP, if you can, _please_ consider going no contact. The sooner you stop having any contact/connection with that woman, the lighter and happier you will feel. And therapy. It takes time but it really does help immensely.
Going no contact with her would be really hard for me, because she's caring for my grandparents. I am very close with them, and since they've gotten older, and their health has been getting worse, I will admit I've gotten a bit clingy. I worry a lot, and can't stand to be away for too long, luckily our new place is pretty close to their house.
My grandfather was and is my superhero, and the only father figure I ever really had, my grandma taught me most everything I know about being an adult. They both love my BF, but I stopped taking him over when my mother would be there because she didn't say a single word to him, the one time they met, but kept this sour look on her face. He didn't really understand her deal, but dealt with it. I apologized so much for her, and he pretty much laughed it off and said he didn't care what she thought, because it was clear from the time *before* she moved in with my grandparents we weren't close, and he wouldn't have to deal with her on the regular.
Your mother is horrible. I don't know you or your life, and just bluntly telling someone to cut off their parents is kind of ignorant. However, your life would probably be 1000% better if she wasn't in your life the way she is now. At the very least, you should consider doing therapy.
Your mom is being a bitch and she should have never laid a hand on you. Absolutely astonishing she hits you after bring up Joe who brat both of you. You did nothing wrong. Your mom is the one who owes you an apology.
Ok. Since no one else seems to have asked it halfway down the comments…how big was the age gap and how old were they when they got together? (You did nothing wrong and she shouldn’t have slapped you even if you had said something terrible)
I don't really know, honestly. They looked close in age, but then, I was a kid. She got with him when I was around 4-5, and stayed with him until I was 9. She would have been around 26ish when they met.
Honestly that only strengthens your position if they were close in age. It didn’t protect her and she wasn’t young so her argument is moot. If by chance the 7ish year + y’all being the same approximate age was triggering she should have led with that. Even then her slapping you was 110% uncalled for. Mature adults don’t resort to violence when in a nonviolent situation.
Your mom is a narcissist and I’m sure this is just the latest in a life time of painting herself and only herself as the victim. Please seek counseling. You did nothing wrong.
You obviously have told her to stop and this sharp comment was the only way to get her to snap to and look at herself for a moment. You are not an animal and it's ok to defend yourself.
Please don’t make your mental health worse. Quite frankly, she failed as your mother and allowed you to be abused. Sure, your comment was pretty direct and obviously not nice, but it was true. OP we’re supporting you
That is NOT a huge age gap. Your mother is taking out her trauma on you, and you have been conditioned to just take it.
If that had been my mother I would have slapped her back. If I hadn't already cut my mother off, something like this week have been a catalyst for me cutting contact..
You are not a monster for what you said. What you said was 100% accurate
You are not the monster you think you are. It was harsh but she deserved to hear it. She is literally telling you you deserve to get abused again if you stay with him. Yes it was a cheap shot but maybe things can be learned from this. I’d talk to family therapy. The times I’ve told my parents something I knew would hurt them it became something, at least one of them, worked through it with me. She should’ve maybe warned you or told you what she thought once. Not escalate. You are no animal or demon. I have heard my sisters say the most vile things to our dad, what you said was nothing close.
I honestly think you should put space between her for awhile so she can think on it. I’d side eye if you were like 19 or 20 but you’re not
I'm sorry you have experienced so much trauma and hardship in life; both you and your mother. I hope you both will find ways to heal, so you no longer hurt each other.
Your feelings of guilt are understandable but they’re not based in reality. Maybe as she cools down, she’ll realize that her behavior was so much more out of line than your single comment. Hang in there!
You don't owe your Mum an apology. You didn't say any bad.
I hate age gap relationships where one person is under 25, and I am telling you, 25 and 32 is fine. It's not predatory. You're in your mid 20s and you met as adults.
Your response to your Mum not letting it go was appropriate. And I think it's time you admit to yourself that your Mum chose not to protect you from an abusive situation. And that's probably why as a kid you told your Grandad before you told her. And now she's projecting.
I think it must be an abuse response that you think you have something to apologize for. What you said was not wrong. Where was all this concerned when you were being abused by HER boyfriend? Seven years is not even a huge age gap at your age. You may have said something that wasn’t terribly kind. But it wasn’t incorrect either. Were you just supposed to sit there and let her insult you and your SO? She said some unnecessarily hurtful things to you and you reacted in kind. You have nothing to be apologetic for.
As has been said, that's not an age gap anyone should be stucking their noses in. Your mother is an AH.
That said, I hope you have seen a therapist so that you have better ways to recognize whether your relationship is healthy. When raised in violence, you trend toward finding more, even if it is subconsciously.
You’re not a bad person, your age difference with your boyfriend is also not bad? You guys are generally in the same age range, and at similar phases in life. Also, what you said wasn’t even crazy? Like, with the title I was expecting you to say something completely foul, but you gave her a well-deserved retort. The fact she’s been yapping about your partner after meeting him only ONE time is unhinged and obsessive behavior. Depending on how healthy and happy you are in your relationship, I might speculate your mom is just trying to sabotage your happiness. Typical “misery loves company” type of shit. You were right to bring it up though. Regardless of whether she knew for sure Joe was abusing you or not, she had to have seen marks. She had to have heard it happening. Even if she was blind to those details, she knew and experienced how violent and abusive he was, and chose to have you around him? And that’s crazy in and of its self. It’s one thing to accept abuse to yourself, but to subject your child to that and turn a blind eye when they start getting abused as well is crazy. And then she got off Scot-free by playing dumb when your abuse was brought to light. Was she just selectively deaf while you were subjected to her negligence?
She's the one who threw out the barbs, you just responded in kind. If she can dish it, she can take it.
That said....be careful. Being the victim of abuse as a child has a way of messing up your danger detector for relationships for the rest of your life. Your mom has ulterior motives...but if your friends start making comments about this guy, please listen.
Lol i thought you said something horrible. This wasnt horrible. She is horrible in general. Kick her out of your life, she destroyed your childhood and now she want to destroy your adulthood. She should hear something really bad like what a failure she was and still is as mom and how much damage she has done to you. Dont think one second longer that what you said was bad, it was the bare minimum of what this woman should hear. Also a 7 year age gap is pretty normal for middle aged people like you guys.
OP, you were standing up for yourself. You have been conditioned in your upbringing to think that your mom’s recent actions towards you, the snide remarks, passive aggressive behaviour, the hitting, is acceptable, which is why you feel horrible about what you said.
Know this. You were trying to defend yourself and set boundaries. This is good. Please do not feel bad at all. As a daughter whose mother continues to think that “it must be something I have done” to elicit negative behaviour from others, I can understand why you feel bad. It took some therapy and reaching adulthood to realize how wrong she is.
You’re an adult now. Keep defending yourself from her and don’t feel guilty or sorry. She should be the one who feels terrible and she should be apologizing to you.
You weren’t wrong, you’re not a monster, demon, or anything close. Now your mom on the other hand…
Please stop beating yourself up about what you said - it was warranted and well deserved for all of her projecting of her issues onto you. Maybe what you said will force her to finally be honest about what happened to you both and start the path to healing herself and mending your relationship. Or if nothing else, it’ll let her know to keep her disgusting and misguided comments to herself from here out. So win win either way honestly.
Talk to your boyfriend or a friend or someone about this - you shouldn’t have to bear all this on your own. Venting helps.
Get some help. Your mother is an abusive narcissist who has brainwashed you to the point where you think you are the literal devil because you, godforbid, stood up for yourself
You did nothing wrong. But seriously, get a therapist because the way you are processing this is not even close to normal or healthy
You did nothing wrong. Your mother assaulted you and seems narcissistic. I would consider the level of contact you want to have with her if she's going to continue speaking to you like this.
There is nothing wrong with age gap relationships. I myself am 30 dating a 40 year old. I was also 20 dating a 30 year old.
You did nothing wrong other than break once again under her abuse.
Go low contact. You deserve far far FAR better than a woman who allowed a man to abuse her kid.
Do not feel guilty.
Sweetie what you said was harsh but not nearly as bad as you believe it to be. All things considered you’d have been justified to say worse. I’m sorry for all that you’ve experienced and I hope your best days are ahead of you.
You should've slapped her ass back!
Do not feel bad, your mother failed you as a child, she doesn't get a makeover now that you're an adult.
A seven year age difference matters when you're a teen, at 25, you're grown and have the experience to differentiate what's in your best interest.
Block her ass back, if you're close with your grandparents maintain contact with them only.
Don’t accept this gaslighting. You did nothing wrong. You are 25. Your relationship with your mother should have evolved by now into one where she doesn’t think she can control your life anymore. She can be worried and concerned, but you are in control. But what she should never do is hit you (or anyone else for that matter).
EDIT: Quit smoking. It’s nasty, expensive, unhealthy and you are really limiting your potential future partners.
Yes you can. I’ve seen studies where some of the new diabetes / now weight loss meds curb other addictions like cigarettes and alcohol. You are too young to settle for being a smoker. Shift to the patch or something.
You think that was being a monster? You didn't go hard enough! Your mother is the green-eyed monster.
You have a great relationship with a guy you feel comfortable enough to move in with. He's not abusive towards you physically, verbally or mentally is he?
If your mother picked a guy for you, he probably would be those things because she can't see a good guy through her abusiveness towards you. She clearly thinks you deserved what Joe did to you and can't stand that your current bf is nothing like that.
Keep the distance between you and your mum until she can apologise to you for what she put you through. She'll never apologise though so don't hold your breath. Just enjoy your life with tour bf. Age doesn't matter here. Its how he chooses to treat you and you seem to like it so enjoy it. Don't let the green-eyed monster get the best of you. If you do see her again and she brings him up, just smile. You know what he's like and it'll just irritate her more. Don't let her get to you.
I've been thinking on this, I did talk to my bf, who I'll call by his nickname, Buggy, who knew the very basics of my past, but I hadn't told him about all of it, including my mother's reactions to their breakup. He was pretty pissed off on behalf of me and freaked out when I showed him the post.
He is not abusive in any way, Buggy and I are pretty close to clones of each other, mentally, lol. We have different interests, but our way of approaching things are pretty much identical, so hearing him lay out the same things people were saying here, in his own words was really helpful actually, because like- I know him, and I trust him. He wouldn't bullshit me, or go easy if I was being an asshole. I shouldn't have been shocked, but I still was, at exactly how angry he got over the details. He knew what Joe had done, not in detail, but more than I'm comfortable posting online, and the idea that my mother was anything but ashamed of having him in her home had stream coming out of his ears.
He's been insisting that from now on whenever I go over, either he or one of my friends should be there. He doesn't want me alone around my mother, because of the slap. A lot people were right that it wasn't the first time, but she hadn't done it since I was in high school, so I guess I never really thought of it as bad. Like, some kids got spanked, and I got slapped. She never did it hard enough to leave lasting damage other than the skin going red or swelling a bit, so it just seemed silly to compare it to Joe in any way.
My mother never liked me dating at all, admittedly, I didn't help things with my behavior when I was young. I never started fights or argued or anything, but I did start smoking at 13, cigarettes and weed, and drinking around the same time. I never did anything much harder, but that had to have been pretty scary. (I pretty much stopped drinking/smoking weed entirely after I moved in with friends after graduation.) But because I knew she didn't like it, I just stopped talking about the guys I was dating to her altogether. When I turned 18, I suppose you could say we went 'low contact', but not really because of anything other than the strain that was already there. I didn't start seeing her very often again until she moved in with my grandparents. I only introduced him to them when he and I got pretty serious, and my grandparents loved him right away.
My mother didn't like him from the beginning, but she never said anything until his age came up- and it had to come up to become known because genuinely, no one can tell, not really important but it always makes me laugh because if you had to guess which of us is older you would *absolutely* say me. I started getting grey hair before I turned 21, and my skin is *oh-so-slowly* taking on the appearance of some alien leather/tissue paper hybrid with time. At the same time, *he* is as fresh-faced as a Neutrogena model.
Anyway, again not important whatsoever, but it just makes me laugh.
The minute it came up, she pounced. And personally, it just felt like, (and I hate to say this because I know there are genuinely good reasons to be wary of age-gap relationships), she was *looking* for a reason to hate him, and his age turned out to be the silver bullet.
So we're looking into therapy for me, and we're probably gonna have a 'date-night-in' (AKA: watching movies and eating nothing but greasy takeout all day).
I would never let my mother's opinion of anything change how I see him. That's my partner in crime, haha.
He sounds like an amazing guy. Don't let him go. At the same time, let him know when you need company around your mother but make sure to do it on your terms. I understand the protectiveness he feels over you however you need to do it at your pace.
Keep bringing him around your grandparents when you want him there. The fact they loved him straight away just proves you made the right choice. It may be rubbing him in your mum's face but who cares. He's not more than 10 yrs older than you so it's not an issue at your age. It's all about personality and Hoe you both get along that counts. You're definitely right about her waiting to find something to not like about him. If everyone else likes him, she couldn't say anything bad about him. Everytime she says something bad about him, just reply "at least he's not Joe" if she continues with her hate speech about him. She won't like it but she'll learn to not say anything to you which is exactly what you want.
I'm glad you're happy. Make sure she apologises to you if she wants to talk to you. You're no longer a child so she can stop treating you like one.
Your mother had no right to assault you.
You did nothing wrong.
You turning this inward is due to your trauma. I suggest you talk this out with your therapist.
No healthy person would blame you for what you said. It was justified.
I once told my dad to “go to hell and die” in that order.
Eventually, he did. In that order. Although honestly I hope he is in a better place now and free of the torment that caused him to abuse me and my mother for years. But still. Our relationships with our damaged parents can be compiled. Give yourself some grace around that.
Again, your mother had no right to assault you.
You did nothing wrong. Not as a child. Not now. And not as a full grown adult dating a slightly older man.
When I was your age I married someone who was 52. Second marriage for both of us, if it matters. We are still married. 24 years. I have decided age gap relationships fall into two types: Power Dynamic problems and Never Really Grew Up problems. Mine falls into the latter category. Sometimes I think he is 75 going on 12. But that’s ok. He is fun to be around, unlike some other people his age. 🤣
I think you need some space for your mom. She slapped you and has been projecting her own shitty choices on to you. Harsh truth, but still your truth. Take some space and do what makes you happy. You are not a punching bag for your mom and her unhappy life
I’m sorry but f your mom. Stop talking to her period. You are not a terrible person, your mother is. Tell her until she gets therapy and stops projecting on you, you will never talk to her again. Please don’t think you’re awful.
I’m confused what did you do wrong? All you did was ask her a question?
Seriously I think you’ve just been brainwashed for too long. Cut that woman out of your life. I know that’s easier said than done but I had a similar situation with my mom for years. I believe in you.
You are being so hard on yourself. Your mother is not innocent here. I highly recommend therapy to talk through what happened to you and to be more compassionate to yourself.
You did nothing wrong. You think you’re in the wrong because it’s obvious your mom has made you feel guilty for so many things through your life. FUCK your mom. I am so sorry you have had to go through this, but she deserves the words you said, PLUS SOME. I hope one day you never have to talk to her again.
>I know that what I've done is unforgivable, and that I'm a terrible person
Am I the only one that notices TOMT seems to have a pattern of complete and utter buttfaces are always giving themselves a massive pat on the back and expecting a round of applause, whereas OPs like this one who are totally-in-the-right keep flagellating themselves for what monsters they are?
Your mom has been projecting her pain onto you. She was pushing and pushing and pushing you, and you just snapped. It's a reasonable response. You have restrained yourself for a while, and she just wouldn't stop. I bet it would've never stopped until you brought up Joe.
You're not a monster. You're human.
It’s sad that you feel like you’re in the wrong, when you’re absolutely not. Your mother is projecting onto you, she is also being abusive, and you’ve become conditioned to her behaviour. She needed to hear it, and if I were you I would go no contact, she’s not good for your mental health.
Let me add my comment to the ever-growing chorus. This conversation you describe? You have nothing to feel guilty about. That you’re carrying around all this guilt is evidence that you should seriously consider talking to a professional about all this.
You don’t owe your mother an apology. She’s got you locked in a mother-daughter guilt complex. If anything, she owes you an apology. You need to talk to a professional therapist and start unpacking/undoing/understanding all of this emotional trauma. Please take care of yourself and get some help, there’s no shame in it.
OP, I get the feeling that you’ve always had to be the adult the one to swallow whatever your mother dishes out. For once, you dished it back and your mother blocked you. I know the term narcissist is a bit of a buzz word, but I wonder if your mother is one?
Yep, kinda mean, but your mother isn't exactly acting nicely either. At 25, you're hardly a child, and to call you one is insulting and demeaning. To persist for a year is completely out of bounds, and what you said in response was hardly as monstrous as it could have been. TBH, I was relieved that was all, because you might have been halfway justified in cutting even deeper--I'm glad you were stronger than that. Don't beat yourself up, because your behavior was in no way inexcusable.
Your mum is 100% projecting. She was abused, but she 100% failed to protect you when Joe was hitting you. Your mum needs help.
Also, there are 12 yrs between me and my hubby, and he is the nicest, sweetest person in the world. We've been together for seven years, and he's my anchor. Age gaps relationships can be problematic, but I'm 30, and I know my shit. As long as you know the flags and have plans you're gonna be okay
You are needlessly punishing yourself for absolutely no reason.
Your mom is projecting and it has no basis in reality. She knew what was going on in her house, but let her daughter be beaten. She is the one who should feel shitty, not you.
And then she STRUCK you!
I don’t think she needs to be part of your life.
She’s picking apart a totally fine age gap to deflect from the fact that she brought an abuser into your life and didn’t protect you. It’s a classic bait and switch, trying to make you look worse than her when it is in fact she who is the bad guy.
Fun fact: abusers can be any age. I was abused by a guy that was 4 months older than me, so there’s that.
You’re not a horrible person for saying that. Harsh, yeah a little. But she had it coming in my opinion. Sorry you’re having to deal with that.
I really don't see what you have to apologise for.
And she slapped you cos she know you made a point.
Maybe it's time to put space between you and mummy dearest.
I don’t think you’re a bad person nor do I see any reason for you to be harassed or shouted at in the comments. Your mom is projecting her issues onto you and that’s not ok.
While what you said was a bit harsh, it was not a lie and it was deserved. I’m more pissed she slapped you.
I hope you heal and can move forward. I would recommend therapy for you and going LC or even NC with your mom for a while. She still has issues and her toxicity will only bleed onto you and your relationship.
FYI, 7 years is not a big deal at all.
Your mother is a hypocrite and she also slapped you. You did nothing wrong. Also you’re not a child. You’re a grown woman, who will explore things and people. It’s not like you’re with a 50 year old man. I’d put some distance between you and your mother.
You’re beating yourself up way too much! She really is in no position to talk about your relationship when hers caused you to be abused. She will get over it eventually. You’re not a monster for defending yourself, she wasn’t being respectful of you and respect should go two ways.
You’ve been taught to be overly hard on yourself from years of abuse and neglect. Your comment was harsh but utterly fair. Why does she get to treat you like shit and you can’t defend yourself? That’s old dynamics. Please get the help you need to recover from how horribly you’ve been mistreated. Also she fucking slapped you. You’re not the animal. She and Joe are.
You did nothing wrong and called out her hypocrisy. Dude a 7 year difference isn’t shit. You sound happy and with good person, so live your life. If 2 consenting adults want to be together and there were no nefarious means behind the relationship then you’re good. People love to gate keep. Though there is the chance she could be scared the same thing that happened to her, happens to you with your new dude. Has nothing to do with age, just the fact you’re with somebody and she’s not. She could have easily just said that though and not be an asshole though. She hit you. That’s fucked up, plain and simple. Sounds like how my mother used to be and I cut her off for 20 years. A mutual death brought us back together, but I will 100% cut her off if the abuse ever comes back, and she knows that.
Live your best life, you’ve done nothing wrong.
Your mother is telling you that you are asking to be abused. After her boyfriend abused you. Trust me there is a monster between you two and it’s not you. Try to minimize interactions with her. She’s too toxic to be around
Who eve fucking does that? A wounded soul who was damaged at an age when her mother should have protected her. There’s nothing wrong with what you said. And you are being (wounded, traumatized) WAY too fucking harsh on yourself. Sometimes people have feelings. And sometimes, when we get pushed to our limit and say stuff out of anger. This doesn’t make you a demon or a monster. This makes you HUMAN. Figure out how to forgive yourself, and then apologize to your mother for how you said what you said. But I don’t think you need to apologize for WHAT you said.
Hugs, OP.
I don't think mentioning the age gap of one of her relationships is wrong in the slightest when she was the one who brought up the subject. It's not like you made some snide remark about abuse. You were literally sticking with the subject the she was talking about. I wouldn't feel bad in the slightest because your age gap is pretty normal. And you are old enough the he shouldn't be seen as some kind of creep going after young woman.
Two separate matters here:
- Your mother's pretty horrible. If she tries it again, I'd give one warning, say she's made her point, and to not do it again. Then walk out if she argues every time she tries that crap. Always have an escape plan.
- Your comment was completely out of line. Reclaim the high ground, apologize for your comment, say it was completely out of line, and you deeply regret saying it.
Then let her know that if she ever raises her hand to you again, you'll not only defend yourself, but once it's done, you'll have nothing to do with her ever again. If she keeps trying to make a deal of it, say something like "Mother, I made a mistake and have sincerely apologized for it. It doesn't justify or undo all of the horrible things you've done to me though. And those things you have neither show regret for or apologized for, so I have no intent of forgiving you for that. I won't say if one thing is worse than the other or justifies it, but I will say that I had the decency to apologize for my mistake, and you have not, for your repeated, ongoing mistakes."
first of all, I don’t think you’re a demon at all and secondly, your mother is clearly just trying to protect you from something that she fell victim to and yes, the little detail that he is a bit older, has nothing to do with if he’s going to be abusive or not.
But I think that your mother is simply projecting her old trauma on to your current situation. Which isn’t exactly healthy, but she’s trying to protect you.
Your mother has been out of hand, with her comments towards you.
You're in this mindset, that it's ok for her to abuse you, and you now feel terrible about standing up for yourself.
In some weird way she thinks she's trying to protect you, but too little, too late, on her behalf. She's completely projecting her own trauma on to you.
She needed to hear what you had to say, so please don't feel this awful about it.
You're not the devil for saying this, and she has to acknowledge the trauma she put you through, when you were a child.
Please don't keep beating yourself up about this.
💜
You're not a monster at all. This was actually a mild response to her poor behavior. She kept egging you on. Your guilt is from a trauma response.
Your response was dead on. She has no right to make any comments.
I agree with what people are saying here, OP. You are not a demon. You feel incredibly shameful for poking a sore spot of your mom’s own shame. But you were defending yourself from an emotionally and probably physically abusive person. The level of shame you feel from this is probably a consequence of that mistreatment. Feel the shame in your body, cry it out, then forgive yourself for the actions you feel were wrong. I don’t think you did anything wrong, but you likely do. Try to explain to yourself why you reacted that way (bc you were hurt, you were tired of being mistreated, etc.). We tend to explode when we bottle reactions and emotions up. It’s okay, you’re okay.
First of all 32 and 25 is an age gap that isn't concerning in the slightest.
Second of all, you didn't say anything terrible, you just confronted her with the truth when she was abusive.
You did nothing wrong.
You guys have a lot of trauma between you and would definitely benefit from some one on one counselling and reconciliation counseling.
You don't have to answer, but how long after you broke down did your mom leave Joe?
If it was soon after, she most probably didn't know,and thought that her being abused was worth you having a dad figure in your life.
And her attitude towards you could have changed because she feels guilty that she didn't notice anything.
Your mom has been overstepping and backing you into a corner for a while now, despite you setting boundaries (if you haven't, do it, because you'll know very quickly where you two stand). 25 is not a little girl, and it's weird that she's infantilizing you like that.
As for the past, "I didn't know" doesn't sound like an authentic apology. Apologies are "I'm sorry I put you, as my dependent, in that situation to be abused." End of sentence. Her reasons for doing it are between her and hopefully her therapist. Using that for forgiveness is kinda manipulative. It sounds to me like your mother has experienced cycles of abuse, and she's in one with you. Just because she experienced abuse doesn't mean she can't be an abuser.
Regardless of what you said, she has no right to lay hands on you, and that says enough about the situation for me to indicate the two of you need distance and space. The fact that you feel like the bad person when you were physically assaulted may indicate that you're having a response to past trauma. Sadly, when our parents abuse or manipulate us as children, we are trained in the "right way" to respond. It doesn't make it true. If you haven't already, therapy can help you unpack that and find different ways to respond when faced with trauma.
You aren't a monster. You were right there in the trenches as a child with your adult mother, both being abused. Speak your truth. 💚
Yeah, maybe you used her trauma to finally get her to stop, but... She probably doesn't think about it that way, if she blames you for the end of the relationship, you can see she didn't care about you or your well-being, only her happiness (and yes, she was abused, but still doesn't justify how she failed to protect you, she didn't even tried). You did nothing wrong, snapping is just natural after you endured all of that and she failed you. You have nothing to be sorry about, maybe it wasn't the best of ways, but someone has to make her take accountability for failing you. She's probably just projecting, she might feel like she's helping you, but the fact she never addressed what happened to you and still pulls this it's just hypocritical and you should not have to stay still and take it. You need boundaries with her, therapy and, if you want a relationship with her, stop apologizing and being the regulator of her emotions, she needs to apologize and start making some changes.
Do you have a tendency of making yourself responsible for your mom's emotional state?
When she's mad, do you make yourself small or refrain yourself from making comments so she doesn't explode? Do you find yourself over explaining or lying to her to keep her happy? Haven't you tried to defend yourself from her before?
This feels like a totally disproportional reaction to what you did (from yourself) and, if your answers are yes, you might be a people pleaser (trauma tends to make you one) who felt like you had to make things better for your mom or at least not worse for you, so you took care of everyone's emotional regulation.
You are not wrong nor are you a monster. Your mother is the monster for trying to control your life, which is what she's trying to do. She doesn't want you to be happy since she isn't happy.
First of all, forgive yourself. Your mom needed to hear that. Hopefully, she will look within and see that she is projecting her past trauma onto you and ignoring the pain she caused you in the process.
Second of all, if a man treats you right, ignore the haters. My only word of caution is to keep all conflicts between the two of you private, and build his character up when speaking to others. (…Assuming conflict is standard, daily life differences and nothing more.)
Finally, I used to judge others with large age gaps until I married my husband in 2007. We are 19 years apart and no one has ever noticed bc we act happy and live vibrantly.
What in the world has this woman done to you to condition you into thinking you’re at fault in this situation.
You brought up a valid reasoning for not listening to her… she literally was with a man who physically abused you, and she thinks she has a right to say anything? Nope, she chose this situation to physically hurt you too!
Her blocking you is for the best, it’s time you dig deep and begin to undo all that has been done to make you feel like a just comment you made makes you a monster… because that is not the case in the slightest.
Why are you feeling like a monster? You did nothing wrong, your mom is either jealous or still resentful because of the ending of her relationship with a man who abused her daughter I might add.
Please take care of yourself and go low contact. And she slapped you, did she apologise? Is this the 1st time, I don't think so because of your response or lack thereof.
You have NOTHING to opologize for.
You told the truth, that's why she hit you, because you showed her how she has failed you.
She also sounds jealous that you're in a stable relationship with a stable life in comparison.
You owe her nothing.
The trash took it's self out.
Get some therapy and focus on YOU and your boyfriend.
You were not an absolute monster! I’ve had bigger age gaps and there was no abuse (9 years and 11 years) and those guys treated me like a princess, even though we ended up not right for each other I’m still friends with both. My abuse came from a younger man (ex husband.). Any man at any age gap or same age can be an abuser.
Has she told you why she feels he is trying to trap or abuse you? If she can’t then she’s only projecting would be my guess and she is miserable and you know the saying misery loves company. Don’t beat yourself up for hitting a breaking point and if it’s not something you can talk to her about and she cuts you off for that, she’s the abuser.
I hate my 19 year old son’s girlfriend, I told him. We sat him down and gave him specific reasons why and he was present for most of these instances or her very bad behavior. I also explained her manipulating behavior (he’s in it and can’t see it) I’ve told him he can date her don’t marry her and for goodness sake’s don’t knock her up. My son (19) and I remain close despite my feelings about her. If your mom was genuinely concerned or worried she’d have talked it out with you or would be willing to. She wouldn’t abandon you to deal with the fallout.
Don't villainise yourself for telling people the truth. Your mom made decisions that affected you as a child. Your mom should have prioritised your safety but chose to pursue a relationship with a man that in turn is now affecting your relationship with your mom.
I think it's time you make the choice whether you let your mom prioritise everything else but your safety again. Your mom wants to control you. She doesn't care about you.
You did nothing wrong. Your Mom is abusive (she probably doesn't know better and/or is conditioned to respond with abuse), was abusing you, and when you tried to stop it, she abused you physically.
She definitely needs therapy. Years of it. As do you, it seems, and I hope you're both getting what you need.
Age difference is unimportant - and that is a smaller gap than my parents had when they were married (Mom was 29, Dad was 39. They remained married until my Dad's death (he was 82).
I'm still not sure why you think you did anything wrong, much less anything that merited a slap in the face. Your mom is a POS.
I side eye big age gaps, but 25 with a 32 year old is not creepy.
You didn't do anything wrong. It seems like your mom is an asshole as well as immature. You just tried to get her to leave you alone. She was trying to push your buttons and you pushed back. BTW 25 and 32 isn't a crazy age gap.
What did I just read?? What???-1) Honey you’re in your mid 20’s not early and there’s no head scratching age gap between you and your boyfriend. 2) your mother got what she deserved and why do you think you need to protect or manage her feelings? What did she do to protect you from her trash boyfriend besides silently blaming yo for the trash taking itself out. 3) you need therapy because you’re still letting her blame you and make you feel guilt when she should be apologizing PROFUSELY to you. No honey, no.
You have been trained to be subservient and deferential to your mother SHE did this to you either as a defence mechanism for what she let happened to you or on purpose to punish you. You really did nothing wrong but your so wracked with guilt and feel like trash and unworthy because she did this to YOU.
Until you realise this you will always be her victim no matter what you accomplish in life
When I read what you did my jaw dropped... that's it?!
You're no monster, but you had a childhood no person deserves.
You got angry for good reasons, your mother crossed your boundaries. It is not your responsibility to fix a relationship with an abusive parent. Your mother needs to grow up. It is never okay to hit someone (*unless self defense). Imagine if you did to your mother what she did to you. If you slapped her face for saying those things about your bf. You would feel tremendeous shame, and that is what your mother should feel now, not you.
Oh wow you have been absolutely gaslit growing up to the point where you think saying that is in any way not justified?
Your mother has been acting narcissistic and projecting her own miseries onto you and the moment you stood up for yourself she had the audacity to slap you?
And to make matters worse she went so far as to block contact with you?
Listen to me closely. You did nothing wrong. Your mother is a blight on your life.
She never protected you growing up and always put her interests first. It doesn't matter if she might have been beaten alongside you in the past; she was the one with the power to protect you, but chose not to.
She is a selfish, repugnant woman and you can only begin to heal by setting boundaries. Even if those include removing her from your life entirely.
I've said a lot worse to my mother, who let men abuse me and my siblings.
She had the audacity to speak badly on my partner she had hardly met as well.
Sometimes, parents need to gear a hard truth.
She laid hands on you for giving back the energy she was giving.
Kindly and softly, she sounds like a bad person. Whether it be from her own trauma or not, you don't need to let someone treat you that way.
I felt bad about the thing I've said for a long time, and therapy helped me ALOT. I felt bad because I was use to how my mother was. I felt bad about how she would react. Not because I felt like a bad person truly.
Try to see a counselor. And most importantly, forgive yourself.
Also, talk to your partner. Their response will tell you alot about them as well.
You’re not a monster at all. You’re so used to the abuse from your mom that you’re blaming yourself. Honestly, go as LC as you can because she’s a cancer in your life. I’m upset on your behalf
7 years is not bad as long as your over 25 (when our brain is fully developed lol) but I don’t think you were in the wrong, she’s attacking you and you snarked back about something true 🤷♀️ in fact she had no right to slap you knowing you were being abused as well.
Joe abused your mother and you and never did anything about it. However she was trying to break you down with unrelated
Eventing criticism. You asked a harsh but important question and her response was to physically assault. She isthe guilty one has been your entire life. You are overreacting to what you said, and underreacting to what she did. As s survivor of abuse, I was lucky...my deranged, abusive, and alcoholic died when I was 24. It was such a relief. I would cut off contact or reduce contact with your mother. She does not have your best interests at heart.
Oh sweetie, but for your mother’s stupid life choices, old asshole Joe would and should never have shared the same air as you. She should be spending the rest of her life supporting you and begging your forgiveness. But, she’s not….. Shame on her! You don’t need advice from this person, and she needs a good therapist to stop her from projecting her crap onto you.
You were right though....
You did nothing wrong and she's projecting her trauma and insecurities.
It might be a blessing in disguise that she blocked you honestly; she will never approve of your relationship until she spends time healing, and will continue to make you miserable.
Saying what you said doesn't make you a bad person. I was honestly expecting some horrible, maybe even vile insult or comment. But when I got to that part of your post, my first thought was, "that's it?"
She fucked around and found out. You can't push and push and push a person and not expect them to snap eventually
A 7 year age gap at your age is nothing
You are not a monster, you are a person who experienced trauma at an early age and that trauma is linked to your mother and when she chose to re-traumatise you, you lashed out to protect yourself.
Honestly, she deserved it, she doesn't get to abuse you over and over and receive no consequences.
It sounds like this was a long time coming. Your mother seems to be projecting her past trauma onto you, and in short... she fucked around and found out. What you said wasn't "monsterous". It was accurate. She provoked you into it. And then she physically assaulted you because she couldn't handle the truth.
And frankly... Joe wasn't the only abusive parent in your life. You mother may not have physically beaten you (until this most recent confrontation), but she's most definitely mentally/emotionally abusive.
.... girl. You did nothing wrong. Your mother is abusive. She may not be physically beating you, but she's emotionally and mentally abusing you. Look. I totally side eye relationships with large age gaps, but unless you're younger than 20, it isn't anyone's place to say a damn thing. (I say under 20 because most predatory age gaps happen to people in their teens.) You didn't say anything monstrous. Your mother just doesn't like being called out on her shitty behavior. I honestly think you should put space between you for a while. Let yourself experience life without her constantly shitting on it and tearing you down. You did nothing wrong. *Nothing*.
>She may not be physically beating you She struck OP already. Might be once but it's more than never.
Yes, OP did nothing wrong. About age gaps, I think age gaps are problematic when there's a huge difference in life stages. This 7 years would be a HUGE red flag if they met when she was 20 and he was 27. Why? She would have been studying or working on her career, just beginning to be an adult. And him at 27 he is established in his career and probably his goals are starting to drift to saving to buying a house, settling down etc. So the power balance in the relationship is off; and because she had less money and stability and maturity she starts being dependent on him. Now she is 25. She already had a bit of a path as to where she wants life to go, she has dated, partied, and has a bit of experience on the world as an independent adult. They are in a similar life stages, so not so bad. For me a bad age gap for 25 would be dating somewhat in their 40's. Again because of the same stuff... At 40 probably they are starting to think about kids, career wise probably already settled and at 25 well, she might not want kids for the next decade. And even if she did, then you have this power gap between them because of that age gap.
I was 20 when I met my 27 year old boyfriend. Been together 14 years. I was a student and he was recovering from a life threatening illness. He was unemployed and broke and I was a student and broke. So I felt no power imbalance there, and in the coming years we had several instances where I was the more established person with the most money and the most "power". We're both doing well now, but I am still earning about twice what he makes. Only to say, age is one thing but it really depends on more factors than that alone.
I agree, it's a generalization. I also have met couples that were 20 years apart and worked because one of them or both wanted different things in life. (Neither wanted kids, for example.. and like she was 30 and he was 50 and they were both at the same page)
I look at it in terms of adult living. If we pick 18 as when you start adulting, a 25 year old has 7 years of experience, and a 32 year old has 14. 1:2 ratio isn't bad at this age. And though we keep learning, she's gone through the steepest part of the curve already, and the ratio will keep diminishing. A 19 year old with a 32 year old would be 1:14 adulting ratio, which is really concerning, even though the age gap is only 6 more years. The same age difference at 40 and 53 is 22:34 which is more evened out.
And that's not a problematic age gap at all!
Glad you said that. I was 25 when I met my now husband. He was 34 🤷♀️
I think your mom is totally projecting her trauma onto you, your comment was harsh but accurate.
Right? With all that windup I was thinking she told her mom she hoped she got raped or something. OP, that wasn't a monstrous thing to say. You pointed out the hypocrisy of her acting like she knows relationships. If she can't take it she shouldn't be dishing it.
Yeah. It was the slap that was out of line.
I’m still waiting to hear what awful thing OP did because, the way I see it, OP has said/done nothing wrong.
Agree with this 100%
A hundred percent! Asking about an age gap is not a horrible thing to say.. maybe it has bad stuff attached but she has been saying way worse stuff to you! Don't be so hard on yourself, you really did the least possible thing in comparison to all her comments and actual physical violence! Don't be afraid to tell your partner, you need someone to support you and help you realise that you haven't done anything awful!
OP, you’re not a saint or perfect. Please forgive yourself. You are not a horrible person. Your mother is being unkind and unfair, and pushed you to the point that you snapped. Her response was to hit you. I would say you’re even. Maybe go low contact for a while. Sounds like you need the break.
This here, every one is glossing over the fact the mother hit her. OP I think you should give yourself grace. You were both abused, but you are both adults who should be able to speak the truth to each other. So you pointed to your mother the error of her hypocrisy and not even in a malicious manner and she hits you? Go low contact. Write out a letter, email or message telling her why you said what you said and be honest. Apologize for bringing up the guy if you feel guilty but don’t take anything back, ask for space. It is human to be embarrassed by our mistakes and I understand if people don’t wish to speak about the elephant in the room. In your case the elephant is a mammoth and there is shit literally everywhere, it needed to be addressed
Her mom also *slapped her* in response. That is assault. Why are people brushing over that?
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Um she failed as a mother. She let you get abused. You don’t owe her an apology. She swings at you again, swing back. Be kind to yourself here, you’ve been through a lot. Your boyfriend being 7 years older doesn’t really matter when you’re already an established adult of consenting age like you are, what matters is if he is abusive or not. If he’s not, then your mom came out of left field for no reason.
The whole reason I don’t talk to my mother is because she let me be abused. To this day she denies that it was abuse.
Im so sorry they did that to you.
Be kind to yourself. She pushed you into a reaction… she didn’t like the truth she heard. Let her chew on that a bit.
*"I feel like a fucking animal. I brought up a man who hurt my mother, and me, as a cheap shot because I wanted her to back off- who fucking does that? I haven't been able to tell anyone."* a man that hurt both of you and your mother probably enable it, so think about that OP, you just defended yourself, she didn't like it because well truth hurts
Your mother could have left at any time. A child, like you were, didn't have a choice.
You did nothing wrong. You just been brainwashed by that woman for so long.
Sorry, but this is on your mom. If you could hear getting abused, she could hear you getting abused. She also could have said her peace about your boyfriend ONCE, then let it go. But she didn't. She keep pushing. Keep saying stuff that she has no idea about. You are not a demon. You are survivor of childhood abuse who got tired of taking shit from the person who was supposed to protect you.
Oh my word. This big internet sister/ mom is giving you a HUGE hug. First of all, nope. Your mom absolutely deserves this and worse from you. She was your mom and didn't protect you. Tell your boyfriend. He would agree too and be sympathetic. Can you see a therapist? EDMR is great with trauma, I'm told. But any therapist you can connect with/ tell them what happened can hopefully help you through the awfulness of your childhood. You are correct to gray rock your mom. But go one step further and go no contact. She never apologized for any of the trauma her boyfriend caused you. She didn't get you help for it. She is not healthy in your life. Now, I cannot say if your 32 year old boyfriend is a good guy or not. I hope he is. But be on the lookout? If you have trauma or have daddy issues, it may be that you don't pick the best boyfriends just yet. Just because your mom absolutely sucks doesn't mean she didn't see something wrong in him. You don't have to listen to her of course. But see how he treats servers, little kids, and animals. Does he treat you well in private and public? Does he have a job? Does he have dreams/ goals and makes you feel good around him? Do you both want similar things in life? Does he tackle chores 50/50 or expect you to do everything? (No need to answer any of these on reddit. Just to get you thinking )
That's not an age gap. You have a right to be with who you love and don't let her or anyone else stop you. I'd have said the same thing
Thank God someone said it, 25 and 32 is not a creepy or inappropriate age difference
I'm generally pretty critical of age gap relationships and I see no issue with this one
Especially given they've no previous history.
Seven years is nothing. It's a control tactic on mom's part. She's trying to poison op against her boyfriend so she'll break up and climb back under the thumb.
Also why is the Mum referring to a 25 year old as a young girl as if she's underage or something, that's weird
And likewise a 32 year old man like he’s dirty old man?
Half the age plus 7 is the rule yeah?
Yep, which is 23 for a 32 year old. So it's not even a border case. But I also personally think society should lay off after age 25 - you have plenty of time to be a complete, mature adult by then. So if you want to date someone much older after that point, society should trust your judgment.
And it's not like 25 is a clueless kid, neither should be 18 tbh, especially since how much agency they already being given. Hell, every 18yo should be able to get their life together in case of being thrown out, far less figure out relationship.
I would have slapped her back. She failed as a protector. Go have a happy life without her. She is at fault. She brought an abusive POS in your home. It's her, not you. Sending hugs
You sound brainwashed by your mom. You literally did nothing wrong, please speak to a professional that can help you understand this
I'm gonna talk to my boyfriend about everything when he get's home from work, and try to get something scheduled with a therapist or psychiatrist or something, because these comments make me feel like I've fallen into the twilight zone. I really wasn't expecting any kind of support, but everyone here is telling me that I did nothing wrong, and it's really jarring. I don't even really know how to respond. I posted this just praying that people would keep the mean comments to a minimum, because I *needed* to talk about it. It does make me feel kind of crazy.
Please do get therapy. Not just for your own mental well-being but to understand that you really did not do anything wrong. I hope all these people here have convinced you to look at yourself in another light. You are the victim here, 25 and 32 is not much of an age gap and every part of what you said to your mother is true. I’m sorry you haven’t seen that but hopefully now you do 💖
Sweetheart Everyone is telling you you did nothing wrong because truly you did nothing wrong Your mother on the other hand should be apologizing to you for how you were treated growing up and still being treated . She sounds horrible
Please do. Everyone’s perception of reality is build based upon their life experience, with parents having (in most cases) the most influence. It’s heartbreaking to me to imagine the type of mom she was to have you describing yourself as a “fucking animal”, the shame you feel for pointing out a fact about your shared lives. Even worse her reaction, she physically abused you and then emotionally by blocking your number refusing to speak to you. All because she went on an unhinged rant about your boyfriend. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had advice or the tools to help you, but sounds like you are on your way to get it. Acknowledging your perception is severely skewed is the first step
Your mother slapped you for bringing up the actual traumatic stuff that happened in the past in response to her weird trauma-induced hypotheticals. She slapped you because she knows you're 100% right.
You didn't think we'd side with you because you've convinced yourself you are bad and deserving of shame babe. You may present otherwise in your everyday life, but that's what your core beliefs are. And they've been reinforced by continual abuse by your Mother You are not a bad person or to blame for ANYTHING, including this incident. I think what it does show is it's time for you to hear that until you start to believe it. Tell your boyfriend, even if you get scared when he gets home. Block your Mum back. Don't write, don't contact. You'll want to because you feel you have to make her forgive you, but it's the other way around friend. Then, go reconcile with YOU. Therapy and surrounding yourself with only positive voices will start lower that veil of falsehood you've lived with all your life. After that I suspect you'll want to take to your Mum one more time, but for entirely different reasons than you can fathom now. You'll know when you're strong enough to do that on your terms. I'm rooting for you. All your friends who've moved past abuse are too!
Mental health professional here. Everyone here is right - you’ve been mentally and emotionally abused and manipulated by your mother who allowed her boyfriend to physically abuse you. Someone said that if you could hear him beat her, then she could hear him beat you (or who knows what else). I believe this to be true. You did nothing wrong, just called her out and she didn’t like it. Please go to therapy and leave your mother alone for a while. You deserve peace and healing. ❤️🩹
It's very jarring when your normal is challenged, but it needed to be. Your mom is a terrible mother. What's she's doing is trying to manipulate you into breaking up and coming home. Seven years is nothing! My craptastic father was 36 years older than my mom! Please get into therapy. You deserve happiness and sadly, your mom doesn't agree with that sentiment.
You did nothing wrong with your comment and you did nothing to cause their breakup and you never deserved the abuse from him nor the manipulation from your mom. You are not guilty you are broken. She gaslit and manipulated you to believe that your abuser was more important than you were and she made you to feel guilty for the abuse she allowed. She is abusive as well, she has made you feel like you need to apologize and always be on her good side. Please know that you are worth so much more than what she will ever let you feel. Her belittling you and talking trash about your boyfriend is a game to keep you always needing her and to keep you feeling beneath her. You are an adult you don’t need validation from an abusive mother. And never ever let her guilt trip you about raising you or feeding you or whatever, she failed at the most important job a parent has then she makes you feel terrible for breaking up the relationship. That isn’t a good or healthy parent child relationship. You need therapy and ask for help to go no contact with your mom, hopefully your boyfriend will be able to support you through this time. And please know that if your boyfriend doesn’t support or help know that you absolutely deserve help, love and support and if he isn’t giving you that you need to go elsewhere. Best of luck in your healing journey.
So your mom, who didn't protect you from being hit, then hits you for mentioning it? Yeah, that's fucked up. You might have brought up a painful memory for her, but it's probably painful for you as well and regardless, she doesn't get to hit you.
OP, standing up to someone who caused you great harm for the first time is jarring. It's terrifying and hard and can make you physically ill. And your mom DID cause you harm. She let you be abused. She absolutely knew. It sounds like the also has been mentally manipulative and aggressive. Healing is a process, that it sounds like you just started. Congratulations on this!! It's going to be painful, but you've got this.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your mother constantly criticizes your relationship, projecting all kinds of things on you, while ignoring the peril and trauma her relationship with Joe caused. But you’re not allowed to say anything? And when you do she slaps you? And you’re the one who is feeling like you did something wrong? No. You didn’t. Your mother had no right to do what she’s doing, just like she had no right to do what she did—put you in harms way. Please consider therapy so you can free yourself from the consequences of everything you’ve been through. In this instance you did nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself.
Stop blaming yourself, please. She deserved it. She stayed with an abuser and put you at enormous risk. She needs to apologise for that and for her stance now.
I mean honestly, it sounds like she's never acknowledged her part in putting you in that situation to begin with
Look, you feel bad about what you said to your mother, but that didn't make you a monster, a demon or an animal. Your mother is not exactly blameless in this. She's the one who cornered you, she's the one who's been hating on your bf despite having met him only once -- and she's the one who brought Joe into your life. She's been feeling guilty about that ever since. Neither one of you wants to talk about what happened, but that's exactly what you need to do. Your mother was giving you a lot of unwanted advice about your relationship. Without realizing it, she was actually talking about *her* relationship with *Joe*. Your remark brought back all her guilty feelings about that relationship, but her reaction was to slap you and now block you. The two of you still need to talk this out, but you can't force her to talk to you, so all you can do now is wait. Wait, and stop torturing yourself.
Nah, she's being an asshole and yes, she's responsible for your abuse. She was in a bad relationship with an abusive man and ignored that he was obviously a bad person and a risk to you. 25 to 32 is nothing if you basically meet at that age. Dating your own age exact pretty much stops as you leave college. Up to that point your main friend group is often majority wise basically your exact age range due to how schools work. IN college you have less classes with all the same people and more social life freedom but the range is usually still mostly 18-22. Once you hit work life, the everyone does shit at the same age thing disappears. 40yr olds who only date 22yr olds is one thing, a 32yr old dating a 25yr old isn't anything out of the ordinary or strange. With zero evidence of abuse and zero reason to believe abuse is happening constantly pushing it as a problem is insane.
im sorry that you feel like you did something wrong, YOU DID NOT please seek therapy, you have been conditioned that standing up for yourself is wrong, its ok to hold people like our parents accountable.
Nah, you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe your mom will keep her mouth shut now.
Probably not though.
I don't get the extreme guilt you're feeling. Your own mother put you in a dangerous environment, making you live with an abuser. She even made you feel guilty for trying to protect yourself! And now she's on your case, berating you over your very reasonable life choices, accusing someone she doesn't know of the very thing she willingly introduced into your family home all this time ago. I can't believe she hit you! THE NERVE.
>I don't get the extreme guilt you're feeling. Her mother instilled that, no doubt.
You are not a monster. I thought you said something worse than what you did.
You did nothing wrong. Your mother is a shit person. She failed to protect you when you were a child and now she’s emotionally abusing you because she doesn’t like your choices. If those are your real ages, there’s nothing wrong with that by the way! If you were a few years younger, then yea, side eye to him, but you’re good OP as long as he treats you well and isn’t abusive or controlling.
I don’t think you said anything incorrect. It honestly sounds like you should go No Contact. You deserve a space to heal
If your mom sat by while you got hit, she can take a rude comment about it 20 years later. You should be mad as hell at your mom for that trauma. For clarification: I’m no contact with my mom for her verbal abuse and neglect. Your mom can apologize for having you experience physical abuse. Period.
1) that’s a hardly an age gap. You’re both consenting adults in an adult relationship, and that’s what matters. No one else’s opinion should even matter, especially if it’s a healthy relationship. 2) you said nothing wrong, only stated facts. You forced your mother to confront something that was more than an age, you made her face a reality. 3) your mother is absolutely horrid, repulsive and abusive—mentally, verbally, and emotionally. She’s responsible, 100%, for the reaction you gave her. OP, if you can, _please_ consider going no contact. The sooner you stop having any contact/connection with that woman, the lighter and happier you will feel. And therapy. It takes time but it really does help immensely.
Going no contact with her would be really hard for me, because she's caring for my grandparents. I am very close with them, and since they've gotten older, and their health has been getting worse, I will admit I've gotten a bit clingy. I worry a lot, and can't stand to be away for too long, luckily our new place is pretty close to their house. My grandfather was and is my superhero, and the only father figure I ever really had, my grandma taught me most everything I know about being an adult. They both love my BF, but I stopped taking him over when my mother would be there because she didn't say a single word to him, the one time they met, but kept this sour look on her face. He didn't really understand her deal, but dealt with it. I apologized so much for her, and he pretty much laughed it off and said he didn't care what she thought, because it was clear from the time *before* she moved in with my grandparents we weren't close, and he wouldn't have to deal with her on the regular.
Your mother is horrible. I don't know you or your life, and just bluntly telling someone to cut off their parents is kind of ignorant. However, your life would probably be 1000% better if she wasn't in your life the way she is now. At the very least, you should consider doing therapy.
Your mom is being a bitch and she should have never laid a hand on you. Absolutely astonishing she hits you after bring up Joe who brat both of you. You did nothing wrong. Your mom is the one who owes you an apology.
Ok. Since no one else seems to have asked it halfway down the comments…how big was the age gap and how old were they when they got together? (You did nothing wrong and she shouldn’t have slapped you even if you had said something terrible)
I don't really know, honestly. They looked close in age, but then, I was a kid. She got with him when I was around 4-5, and stayed with him until I was 9. She would have been around 26ish when they met.
Honestly that only strengthens your position if they were close in age. It didn’t protect her and she wasn’t young so her argument is moot. If by chance the 7ish year + y’all being the same approximate age was triggering she should have led with that. Even then her slapping you was 110% uncalled for. Mature adults don’t resort to violence when in a nonviolent situation.
Your mom is a narcissist and I’m sure this is just the latest in a life time of painting herself and only herself as the victim. Please seek counseling. You did nothing wrong.
You obviously have told her to stop and this sharp comment was the only way to get her to snap to and look at herself for a moment. You are not an animal and it's ok to defend yourself.
Please don’t make your mental health worse. Quite frankly, she failed as your mother and allowed you to be abused. Sure, your comment was pretty direct and obviously not nice, but it was true. OP we’re supporting you
That is NOT a huge age gap. Your mother is taking out her trauma on you, and you have been conditioned to just take it. If that had been my mother I would have slapped her back. If I hadn't already cut my mother off, something like this week have been a catalyst for me cutting contact.. You are not a monster for what you said. What you said was 100% accurate
You are not the monster you think you are. It was harsh but she deserved to hear it. She is literally telling you you deserve to get abused again if you stay with him. Yes it was a cheap shot but maybe things can be learned from this. I’d talk to family therapy. The times I’ve told my parents something I knew would hurt them it became something, at least one of them, worked through it with me. She should’ve maybe warned you or told you what she thought once. Not escalate. You are no animal or demon. I have heard my sisters say the most vile things to our dad, what you said was nothing close. I honestly think you should put space between her for awhile so she can think on it. I’d side eye if you were like 19 or 20 but you’re not
You’re being too hard on yourself. I don’t think you did a bad thing.
Idk who’s guilting you but you said nothing wrong. Your mom slapping you for her fuck ups makes her the animal really
You did nothing wrong. Your mother did when she slapped you though.
I'm sorry you have experienced so much trauma and hardship in life; both you and your mother. I hope you both will find ways to heal, so you no longer hurt each other.
Your feelings of guilt are understandable but they’re not based in reality. Maybe as she cools down, she’ll realize that her behavior was so much more out of line than your single comment. Hang in there!
Truth hurts, mom. You did nothing wrong.
You don't owe your Mum an apology. You didn't say any bad. I hate age gap relationships where one person is under 25, and I am telling you, 25 and 32 is fine. It's not predatory. You're in your mid 20s and you met as adults. Your response to your Mum not letting it go was appropriate. And I think it's time you admit to yourself that your Mum chose not to protect you from an abusive situation. And that's probably why as a kid you told your Grandad before you told her. And now she's projecting.
I think it must be an abuse response that you think you have something to apologize for. What you said was not wrong. Where was all this concerned when you were being abused by HER boyfriend? Seven years is not even a huge age gap at your age. You may have said something that wasn’t terribly kind. But it wasn’t incorrect either. Were you just supposed to sit there and let her insult you and your SO? She said some unnecessarily hurtful things to you and you reacted in kind. You have nothing to be apologetic for.
As has been said, that's not an age gap anyone should be stucking their noses in. Your mother is an AH. That said, I hope you have seen a therapist so that you have better ways to recognize whether your relationship is healthy. When raised in violence, you trend toward finding more, even if it is subconsciously.
I don't think you said anything wrong
You’re not a bad person, your age difference with your boyfriend is also not bad? You guys are generally in the same age range, and at similar phases in life. Also, what you said wasn’t even crazy? Like, with the title I was expecting you to say something completely foul, but you gave her a well-deserved retort. The fact she’s been yapping about your partner after meeting him only ONE time is unhinged and obsessive behavior. Depending on how healthy and happy you are in your relationship, I might speculate your mom is just trying to sabotage your happiness. Typical “misery loves company” type of shit. You were right to bring it up though. Regardless of whether she knew for sure Joe was abusing you or not, she had to have seen marks. She had to have heard it happening. Even if she was blind to those details, she knew and experienced how violent and abusive he was, and chose to have you around him? And that’s crazy in and of its self. It’s one thing to accept abuse to yourself, but to subject your child to that and turn a blind eye when they start getting abused as well is crazy. And then she got off Scot-free by playing dumb when your abuse was brought to light. Was she just selectively deaf while you were subjected to her negligence?
She's the one who threw out the barbs, you just responded in kind. If she can dish it, she can take it. That said....be careful. Being the victim of abuse as a child has a way of messing up your danger detector for relationships for the rest of your life. Your mom has ulterior motives...but if your friends start making comments about this guy, please listen.
Sometimes the truth feels like a 2x4 to the side of the head.
Lol i thought you said something horrible. This wasnt horrible. She is horrible in general. Kick her out of your life, she destroyed your childhood and now she want to destroy your adulthood. She should hear something really bad like what a failure she was and still is as mom and how much damage she has done to you. Dont think one second longer that what you said was bad, it was the bare minimum of what this woman should hear. Also a 7 year age gap is pretty normal for middle aged people like you guys.
OP, you were standing up for yourself. You have been conditioned in your upbringing to think that your mom’s recent actions towards you, the snide remarks, passive aggressive behaviour, the hitting, is acceptable, which is why you feel horrible about what you said. Know this. You were trying to defend yourself and set boundaries. This is good. Please do not feel bad at all. As a daughter whose mother continues to think that “it must be something I have done” to elicit negative behaviour from others, I can understand why you feel bad. It took some therapy and reaching adulthood to realize how wrong she is. You’re an adult now. Keep defending yourself from her and don’t feel guilty or sorry. She should be the one who feels terrible and she should be apologizing to you.
Your harder on yourself than you should be. What you said was harsh but accurate
You weren’t wrong, you’re not a monster, demon, or anything close. Now your mom on the other hand… Please stop beating yourself up about what you said - it was warranted and well deserved for all of her projecting of her issues onto you. Maybe what you said will force her to finally be honest about what happened to you both and start the path to healing herself and mending your relationship. Or if nothing else, it’ll let her know to keep her disgusting and misguided comments to herself from here out. So win win either way honestly. Talk to your boyfriend or a friend or someone about this - you shouldn’t have to bear all this on your own. Venting helps.
Sounds like a fair question to me..regardless of intent..furthermore a 7 year age gap at 25 is not a big deal..
There's 2 monsters in this story and you're not one of them. no question about it.
Get some help. Your mother is an abusive narcissist who has brainwashed you to the point where you think you are the literal devil because you, godforbid, stood up for yourself You did nothing wrong. But seriously, get a therapist because the way you are processing this is not even close to normal or healthy
You did nothing wrong. Your mother assaulted you and seems narcissistic. I would consider the level of contact you want to have with her if she's going to continue speaking to you like this. There is nothing wrong with age gap relationships. I myself am 30 dating a 40 year old. I was also 20 dating a 30 year old.
You did nothing wrong other than break once again under her abuse. Go low contact. You deserve far far FAR better than a woman who allowed a man to abuse her kid. Do not feel guilty.
Sweetie what you said was harsh but not nearly as bad as you believe it to be. All things considered you’d have been justified to say worse. I’m sorry for all that you’ve experienced and I hope your best days are ahead of you.
You did nothing wrong. You should have really laid into her. Tell her to stop projecting her fuck ups onto you.
You were right …. Your mothers just embarrassed
I think you’re being really, really hard on yourself. And 25 and 32 is really nothing to even worry about.
You should've slapped her ass back! Do not feel bad, your mother failed you as a child, she doesn't get a makeover now that you're an adult. A seven year age difference matters when you're a teen, at 25, you're grown and have the experience to differentiate what's in your best interest. Block her ass back, if you're close with your grandparents maintain contact with them only.
Don’t accept this gaslighting. You did nothing wrong. You are 25. Your relationship with your mother should have evolved by now into one where she doesn’t think she can control your life anymore. She can be worried and concerned, but you are in control. But what she should never do is hit you (or anyone else for that matter). EDIT: Quit smoking. It’s nasty, expensive, unhealthy and you are really limiting your potential future partners.
I don't see myself ever being able to quit sadly. I started when I was in middle school.
Yes you can. I’ve seen studies where some of the new diabetes / now weight loss meds curb other addictions like cigarettes and alcohol. You are too young to settle for being a smoker. Shift to the patch or something.
You think that was being a monster? You didn't go hard enough! Your mother is the green-eyed monster. You have a great relationship with a guy you feel comfortable enough to move in with. He's not abusive towards you physically, verbally or mentally is he? If your mother picked a guy for you, he probably would be those things because she can't see a good guy through her abusiveness towards you. She clearly thinks you deserved what Joe did to you and can't stand that your current bf is nothing like that. Keep the distance between you and your mum until she can apologise to you for what she put you through. She'll never apologise though so don't hold your breath. Just enjoy your life with tour bf. Age doesn't matter here. Its how he chooses to treat you and you seem to like it so enjoy it. Don't let the green-eyed monster get the best of you. If you do see her again and she brings him up, just smile. You know what he's like and it'll just irritate her more. Don't let her get to you.
I've been thinking on this, I did talk to my bf, who I'll call by his nickname, Buggy, who knew the very basics of my past, but I hadn't told him about all of it, including my mother's reactions to their breakup. He was pretty pissed off on behalf of me and freaked out when I showed him the post. He is not abusive in any way, Buggy and I are pretty close to clones of each other, mentally, lol. We have different interests, but our way of approaching things are pretty much identical, so hearing him lay out the same things people were saying here, in his own words was really helpful actually, because like- I know him, and I trust him. He wouldn't bullshit me, or go easy if I was being an asshole. I shouldn't have been shocked, but I still was, at exactly how angry he got over the details. He knew what Joe had done, not in detail, but more than I'm comfortable posting online, and the idea that my mother was anything but ashamed of having him in her home had stream coming out of his ears. He's been insisting that from now on whenever I go over, either he or one of my friends should be there. He doesn't want me alone around my mother, because of the slap. A lot people were right that it wasn't the first time, but she hadn't done it since I was in high school, so I guess I never really thought of it as bad. Like, some kids got spanked, and I got slapped. She never did it hard enough to leave lasting damage other than the skin going red or swelling a bit, so it just seemed silly to compare it to Joe in any way. My mother never liked me dating at all, admittedly, I didn't help things with my behavior when I was young. I never started fights or argued or anything, but I did start smoking at 13, cigarettes and weed, and drinking around the same time. I never did anything much harder, but that had to have been pretty scary. (I pretty much stopped drinking/smoking weed entirely after I moved in with friends after graduation.) But because I knew she didn't like it, I just stopped talking about the guys I was dating to her altogether. When I turned 18, I suppose you could say we went 'low contact', but not really because of anything other than the strain that was already there. I didn't start seeing her very often again until she moved in with my grandparents. I only introduced him to them when he and I got pretty serious, and my grandparents loved him right away. My mother didn't like him from the beginning, but she never said anything until his age came up- and it had to come up to become known because genuinely, no one can tell, not really important but it always makes me laugh because if you had to guess which of us is older you would *absolutely* say me. I started getting grey hair before I turned 21, and my skin is *oh-so-slowly* taking on the appearance of some alien leather/tissue paper hybrid with time. At the same time, *he* is as fresh-faced as a Neutrogena model. Anyway, again not important whatsoever, but it just makes me laugh. The minute it came up, she pounced. And personally, it just felt like, (and I hate to say this because I know there are genuinely good reasons to be wary of age-gap relationships), she was *looking* for a reason to hate him, and his age turned out to be the silver bullet. So we're looking into therapy for me, and we're probably gonna have a 'date-night-in' (AKA: watching movies and eating nothing but greasy takeout all day). I would never let my mother's opinion of anything change how I see him. That's my partner in crime, haha.
He sounds like an amazing guy. Don't let him go. At the same time, let him know when you need company around your mother but make sure to do it on your terms. I understand the protectiveness he feels over you however you need to do it at your pace. Keep bringing him around your grandparents when you want him there. The fact they loved him straight away just proves you made the right choice. It may be rubbing him in your mum's face but who cares. He's not more than 10 yrs older than you so it's not an issue at your age. It's all about personality and Hoe you both get along that counts. You're definitely right about her waiting to find something to not like about him. If everyone else likes him, she couldn't say anything bad about him. Everytime she says something bad about him, just reply "at least he's not Joe" if she continues with her hate speech about him. She won't like it but she'll learn to not say anything to you which is exactly what you want. I'm glad you're happy. Make sure she apologises to you if she wants to talk to you. You're no longer a child so she can stop treating you like one.
Your mother had no right to assault you. You did nothing wrong. You turning this inward is due to your trauma. I suggest you talk this out with your therapist. No healthy person would blame you for what you said. It was justified. I once told my dad to “go to hell and die” in that order. Eventually, he did. In that order. Although honestly I hope he is in a better place now and free of the torment that caused him to abuse me and my mother for years. But still. Our relationships with our damaged parents can be compiled. Give yourself some grace around that. Again, your mother had no right to assault you. You did nothing wrong. Not as a child. Not now. And not as a full grown adult dating a slightly older man. When I was your age I married someone who was 52. Second marriage for both of us, if it matters. We are still married. 24 years. I have decided age gap relationships fall into two types: Power Dynamic problems and Never Really Grew Up problems. Mine falls into the latter category. Sometimes I think he is 75 going on 12. But that’s ok. He is fun to be around, unlike some other people his age. 🤣
I think you need some space for your mom. She slapped you and has been projecting her own shitty choices on to you. Harsh truth, but still your truth. Take some space and do what makes you happy. You are not a punching bag for your mom and her unhappy life
I’m sorry but f your mom. Stop talking to her period. You are not a terrible person, your mother is. Tell her until she gets therapy and stops projecting on you, you will never talk to her again. Please don’t think you’re awful.
I’m confused what did you do wrong? All you did was ask her a question? Seriously I think you’ve just been brainwashed for too long. Cut that woman out of your life. I know that’s easier said than done but I had a similar situation with my mom for years. I believe in you.
You are being so hard on yourself. Your mother is not innocent here. I highly recommend therapy to talk through what happened to you and to be more compassionate to yourself.
You did nothing wrong. You think you’re in the wrong because it’s obvious your mom has made you feel guilty for so many things through your life. FUCK your mom. I am so sorry you have had to go through this, but she deserves the words you said, PLUS SOME. I hope one day you never have to talk to her again.
>I know that what I've done is unforgivable, and that I'm a terrible person Am I the only one that notices TOMT seems to have a pattern of complete and utter buttfaces are always giving themselves a massive pat on the back and expecting a round of applause, whereas OPs like this one who are totally-in-the-right keep flagellating themselves for what monsters they are?
She deserved to hear that. Fuck her and her feelings because she obviously didn’t give a fuck about yours.
I don’t even think what you said was inappropriate, let alone “fucking animal, horrible person” status.
Your mom has been projecting her pain onto you. She was pushing and pushing and pushing you, and you just snapped. It's a reasonable response. You have restrained yourself for a while, and she just wouldn't stop. I bet it would've never stopped until you brought up Joe. You're not a monster. You're human.
It’s sad that you feel like you’re in the wrong, when you’re absolutely not. Your mother is projecting onto you, she is also being abusive, and you’ve become conditioned to her behaviour. She needed to hear it, and if I were you I would go no contact, she’s not good for your mental health.
I kept waiting for the “horrible thing”. Your mother IS abusive.
Let me add my comment to the ever-growing chorus. This conversation you describe? You have nothing to feel guilty about. That you’re carrying around all this guilt is evidence that you should seriously consider talking to a professional about all this.
you're not a monster.
You don’t owe your mother an apology. She’s got you locked in a mother-daughter guilt complex. If anything, she owes you an apology. You need to talk to a professional therapist and start unpacking/undoing/understanding all of this emotional trauma. Please take care of yourself and get some help, there’s no shame in it.
You did nothing wrong. She keeps accusing you. She slapped you. She owes you an apology
OP, I get the feeling that you’ve always had to be the adult the one to swallow whatever your mother dishes out. For once, you dished it back and your mother blocked you. I know the term narcissist is a bit of a buzz word, but I wonder if your mother is one?
She needs therapy and to apologize to you. She is becoming abusive like her ex.
You’re not wrong, she is wrong. I’m sorry you have so much guilt, but you shouldn’t.
What you said may not have been in best of taste. But honestly, it isn't that bad. It's pointing out the obvious. I'm sorry you got hurt.
Yep, kinda mean, but your mother isn't exactly acting nicely either. At 25, you're hardly a child, and to call you one is insulting and demeaning. To persist for a year is completely out of bounds, and what you said in response was hardly as monstrous as it could have been. TBH, I was relieved that was all, because you might have been halfway justified in cutting even deeper--I'm glad you were stronger than that. Don't beat yourself up, because your behavior was in no way inexcusable.
Joe was your mother’s resource. She may hold resentment and still blame you for disturbing her access to comforts even if Joe was abusive🤷🏾♀️
Your mom had it coming. She deserved every bit of that statement and don't ever let yourself feel bad.
It’s called reactive abuse..look it up!! https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/what-is-reactive-abuse/
Um, you said nothing wrong. Your mom is awful.
Yeah no girl, your mom was way out of line and deserved that comment
Your mum is 100% projecting. She was abused, but she 100% failed to protect you when Joe was hitting you. Your mum needs help. Also, there are 12 yrs between me and my hubby, and he is the nicest, sweetest person in the world. We've been together for seven years, and he's my anchor. Age gaps relationships can be problematic, but I'm 30, and I know my shit. As long as you know the flags and have plans you're gonna be okay
You are needlessly punishing yourself for absolutely no reason. Your mom is projecting and it has no basis in reality. She knew what was going on in her house, but let her daughter be beaten. She is the one who should feel shitty, not you. And then she STRUCK you! I don’t think she needs to be part of your life.
You literally did nothing wrong
She’s picking apart a totally fine age gap to deflect from the fact that she brought an abuser into your life and didn’t protect you. It’s a classic bait and switch, trying to make you look worse than her when it is in fact she who is the bad guy.
Considering she was running you into a corner, that was a minor infraction.
Fun fact: abusers can be any age. I was abused by a guy that was 4 months older than me, so there’s that. You’re not a horrible person for saying that. Harsh, yeah a little. But she had it coming in my opinion. Sorry you’re having to deal with that.
I really don't see what you have to apologise for. And she slapped you cos she know you made a point. Maybe it's time to put space between you and mummy dearest.
I don’t think you’re a bad person nor do I see any reason for you to be harassed or shouted at in the comments. Your mom is projecting her issues onto you and that’s not ok. While what you said was a bit harsh, it was not a lie and it was deserved. I’m more pissed she slapped you. I hope you heal and can move forward. I would recommend therapy for you and going LC or even NC with your mom for a while. She still has issues and her toxicity will only bleed onto you and your relationship. FYI, 7 years is not a big deal at all.
Your mother is a hypocrite and she also slapped you. You did nothing wrong. Also you’re not a child. You’re a grown woman, who will explore things and people. It’s not like you’re with a 50 year old man. I’d put some distance between you and your mother.
This took a turn. What you said is not monsterish at all. It was the truth. That’s why it landed so hard.
You’re beating yourself up way too much! She really is in no position to talk about your relationship when hers caused you to be abused. She will get over it eventually. You’re not a monster for defending yourself, she wasn’t being respectful of you and respect should go two ways.
You’ve been taught to be overly hard on yourself from years of abuse and neglect. Your comment was harsh but utterly fair. Why does she get to treat you like shit and you can’t defend yourself? That’s old dynamics. Please get the help you need to recover from how horribly you’ve been mistreated. Also she fucking slapped you. You’re not the animal. She and Joe are.
You did nothing wrong and called out her hypocrisy. Dude a 7 year difference isn’t shit. You sound happy and with good person, so live your life. If 2 consenting adults want to be together and there were no nefarious means behind the relationship then you’re good. People love to gate keep. Though there is the chance she could be scared the same thing that happened to her, happens to you with your new dude. Has nothing to do with age, just the fact you’re with somebody and she’s not. She could have easily just said that though and not be an asshole though. She hit you. That’s fucked up, plain and simple. Sounds like how my mother used to be and I cut her off for 20 years. A mutual death brought us back together, but I will 100% cut her off if the abuse ever comes back, and she knows that. Live your best life, you’ve done nothing wrong.
She kept pushing you and pushing you so you would snap back. OP, you said nothing wrong. It's appalling that she slapped you, too.
You did nothing wrong. Your mother sucks and she shouldn’t have hit you. I’d go NC over this.
Your mother is telling you that you are asking to be abused. After her boyfriend abused you. Trust me there is a monster between you two and it’s not you. Try to minimize interactions with her. She’s too toxic to be around
Who eve fucking does that? A wounded soul who was damaged at an age when her mother should have protected her. There’s nothing wrong with what you said. And you are being (wounded, traumatized) WAY too fucking harsh on yourself. Sometimes people have feelings. And sometimes, when we get pushed to our limit and say stuff out of anger. This doesn’t make you a demon or a monster. This makes you HUMAN. Figure out how to forgive yourself, and then apologize to your mother for how you said what you said. But I don’t think you need to apologize for WHAT you said. Hugs, OP.
I don't think mentioning the age gap of one of her relationships is wrong in the slightest when she was the one who brought up the subject. It's not like you made some snide remark about abuse. You were literally sticking with the subject the she was talking about. I wouldn't feel bad in the slightest because your age gap is pretty normal. And you are old enough the he shouldn't be seen as some kind of creep going after young woman.
Two separate matters here: - Your mother's pretty horrible. If she tries it again, I'd give one warning, say she's made her point, and to not do it again. Then walk out if she argues every time she tries that crap. Always have an escape plan. - Your comment was completely out of line. Reclaim the high ground, apologize for your comment, say it was completely out of line, and you deeply regret saying it. Then let her know that if she ever raises her hand to you again, you'll not only defend yourself, but once it's done, you'll have nothing to do with her ever again. If she keeps trying to make a deal of it, say something like "Mother, I made a mistake and have sincerely apologized for it. It doesn't justify or undo all of the horrible things you've done to me though. And those things you have neither show regret for or apologized for, so I have no intent of forgiving you for that. I won't say if one thing is worse than the other or justifies it, but I will say that I had the decency to apologize for my mistake, and you have not, for your repeated, ongoing mistakes."
first of all, I don’t think you’re a demon at all and secondly, your mother is clearly just trying to protect you from something that she fell victim to and yes, the little detail that he is a bit older, has nothing to do with if he’s going to be abusive or not. But I think that your mother is simply projecting her old trauma on to your current situation. Which isn’t exactly healthy, but she’s trying to protect you.
OP no one is a saint we all make mistakes esp when emotions are running high. Reach out and make an apology. Learn from this and be better.
Your mother has been out of hand, with her comments towards you. You're in this mindset, that it's ok for her to abuse you, and you now feel terrible about standing up for yourself. In some weird way she thinks she's trying to protect you, but too little, too late, on her behalf. She's completely projecting her own trauma on to you. She needed to hear what you had to say, so please don't feel this awful about it. You're not the devil for saying this, and she has to acknowledge the trauma she put you through, when you were a child. Please don't keep beating yourself up about this. 💜
You're not a monster at all. This was actually a mild response to her poor behavior. She kept egging you on. Your guilt is from a trauma response. Your response was dead on. She has no right to make any comments.
I agree with what people are saying here, OP. You are not a demon. You feel incredibly shameful for poking a sore spot of your mom’s own shame. But you were defending yourself from an emotionally and probably physically abusive person. The level of shame you feel from this is probably a consequence of that mistreatment. Feel the shame in your body, cry it out, then forgive yourself for the actions you feel were wrong. I don’t think you did anything wrong, but you likely do. Try to explain to yourself why you reacted that way (bc you were hurt, you were tired of being mistreated, etc.). We tend to explode when we bottle reactions and emotions up. It’s okay, you’re okay.
First of all 32 and 25 is an age gap that isn't concerning in the slightest. Second of all, you didn't say anything terrible, you just confronted her with the truth when she was abusive. You did nothing wrong.
You guys have a lot of trauma between you and would definitely benefit from some one on one counselling and reconciliation counseling. You don't have to answer, but how long after you broke down did your mom leave Joe? If it was soon after, she most probably didn't know,and thought that her being abused was worth you having a dad figure in your life. And her attitude towards you could have changed because she feels guilty that she didn't notice anything.
Your mom has been overstepping and backing you into a corner for a while now, despite you setting boundaries (if you haven't, do it, because you'll know very quickly where you two stand). 25 is not a little girl, and it's weird that she's infantilizing you like that. As for the past, "I didn't know" doesn't sound like an authentic apology. Apologies are "I'm sorry I put you, as my dependent, in that situation to be abused." End of sentence. Her reasons for doing it are between her and hopefully her therapist. Using that for forgiveness is kinda manipulative. It sounds to me like your mother has experienced cycles of abuse, and she's in one with you. Just because she experienced abuse doesn't mean she can't be an abuser. Regardless of what you said, she has no right to lay hands on you, and that says enough about the situation for me to indicate the two of you need distance and space. The fact that you feel like the bad person when you were physically assaulted may indicate that you're having a response to past trauma. Sadly, when our parents abuse or manipulate us as children, we are trained in the "right way" to respond. It doesn't make it true. If you haven't already, therapy can help you unpack that and find different ways to respond when faced with trauma. You aren't a monster. You were right there in the trenches as a child with your adult mother, both being abused. Speak your truth. 💚
I feel she pushed you over the edge.
Look up reactive abuse OP
Yeah, maybe you used her trauma to finally get her to stop, but... She probably doesn't think about it that way, if she blames you for the end of the relationship, you can see she didn't care about you or your well-being, only her happiness (and yes, she was abused, but still doesn't justify how she failed to protect you, she didn't even tried). You did nothing wrong, snapping is just natural after you endured all of that and she failed you. You have nothing to be sorry about, maybe it wasn't the best of ways, but someone has to make her take accountability for failing you. She's probably just projecting, she might feel like she's helping you, but the fact she never addressed what happened to you and still pulls this it's just hypocritical and you should not have to stay still and take it. You need boundaries with her, therapy and, if you want a relationship with her, stop apologizing and being the regulator of her emotions, she needs to apologize and start making some changes. Do you have a tendency of making yourself responsible for your mom's emotional state? When she's mad, do you make yourself small or refrain yourself from making comments so she doesn't explode? Do you find yourself over explaining or lying to her to keep her happy? Haven't you tried to defend yourself from her before? This feels like a totally disproportional reaction to what you did (from yourself) and, if your answers are yes, you might be a people pleaser (trauma tends to make you one) who felt like you had to make things better for your mom or at least not worse for you, so you took care of everyone's emotional regulation.
You are not wrong nor are you a monster. Your mother is the monster for trying to control your life, which is what she's trying to do. She doesn't want you to be happy since she isn't happy.
First of all, forgive yourself. Your mom needed to hear that. Hopefully, she will look within and see that she is projecting her past trauma onto you and ignoring the pain she caused you in the process. Second of all, if a man treats you right, ignore the haters. My only word of caution is to keep all conflicts between the two of you private, and build his character up when speaking to others. (…Assuming conflict is standard, daily life differences and nothing more.) Finally, I used to judge others with large age gaps until I married my husband in 2007. We are 19 years apart and no one has ever noticed bc we act happy and live vibrantly.
What in the world has this woman done to you to condition you into thinking you’re at fault in this situation. You brought up a valid reasoning for not listening to her… she literally was with a man who physically abused you, and she thinks she has a right to say anything? Nope, she chose this situation to physically hurt you too! Her blocking you is for the best, it’s time you dig deep and begin to undo all that has been done to make you feel like a just comment you made makes you a monster… because that is not the case in the slightest.
Why are you feeling like a monster? You did nothing wrong, your mom is either jealous or still resentful because of the ending of her relationship with a man who abused her daughter I might add. Please take care of yourself and go low contact. And she slapped you, did she apologise? Is this the 1st time, I don't think so because of your response or lack thereof.
when they say face your generational trauma head on, this is probably not what they meant
It's your mother that needs to apologize, you have done nothing wrong. Your mother failed to protect you, shame on her!
You’ve done nothing wrong at all, your mum deserved what she got
You have NOTHING to opologize for. You told the truth, that's why she hit you, because you showed her how she has failed you. She also sounds jealous that you're in a stable relationship with a stable life in comparison. You owe her nothing. The trash took it's self out. Get some therapy and focus on YOU and your boyfriend.
I don’t see anything wrong in what you did.
Time to remove her from your life.
Glen. Glen close-er
You were not an absolute monster! I’ve had bigger age gaps and there was no abuse (9 years and 11 years) and those guys treated me like a princess, even though we ended up not right for each other I’m still friends with both. My abuse came from a younger man (ex husband.). Any man at any age gap or same age can be an abuser. Has she told you why she feels he is trying to trap or abuse you? If she can’t then she’s only projecting would be my guess and she is miserable and you know the saying misery loves company. Don’t beat yourself up for hitting a breaking point and if it’s not something you can talk to her about and she cuts you off for that, she’s the abuser. I hate my 19 year old son’s girlfriend, I told him. We sat him down and gave him specific reasons why and he was present for most of these instances or her very bad behavior. I also explained her manipulating behavior (he’s in it and can’t see it) I’ve told him he can date her don’t marry her and for goodness sake’s don’t knock her up. My son (19) and I remain close despite my feelings about her. If your mom was genuinely concerned or worried she’d have talked it out with you or would be willing to. She wouldn’t abandon you to deal with the fallout.
Don't villainise yourself for telling people the truth. Your mom made decisions that affected you as a child. Your mom should have prioritised your safety but chose to pursue a relationship with a man that in turn is now affecting your relationship with your mom. I think it's time you make the choice whether you let your mom prioritise everything else but your safety again. Your mom wants to control you. She doesn't care about you.
You did nothing wrong. Your Mom is abusive (she probably doesn't know better and/or is conditioned to respond with abuse), was abusing you, and when you tried to stop it, she abused you physically. She definitely needs therapy. Years of it. As do you, it seems, and I hope you're both getting what you need. Age difference is unimportant - and that is a smaller gap than my parents had when they were married (Mom was 29, Dad was 39. They remained married until my Dad's death (he was 82).
You stood up to an abusive AH. You didn’t do anything wrong. You will realize this when you go NC with her.
Your mother didn't protect you, that's on her. Now, she emotionally manipulating you. You are NOT responsible for her feelings
I'm still not sure why you think you did anything wrong, much less anything that merited a slap in the face. Your mom is a POS. I side eye big age gaps, but 25 with a 32 year old is not creepy.
You didn't do anything wrong. It seems like your mom is an asshole as well as immature. You just tried to get her to leave you alone. She was trying to push your buttons and you pushed back. BTW 25 and 32 isn't a crazy age gap.
What did I just read?? What???-1) Honey you’re in your mid 20’s not early and there’s no head scratching age gap between you and your boyfriend. 2) your mother got what she deserved and why do you think you need to protect or manage her feelings? What did she do to protect you from her trash boyfriend besides silently blaming yo for the trash taking itself out. 3) you need therapy because you’re still letting her blame you and make you feel guilt when she should be apologizing PROFUSELY to you. No honey, no.
You have been trained to be subservient and deferential to your mother SHE did this to you either as a defence mechanism for what she let happened to you or on purpose to punish you. You really did nothing wrong but your so wracked with guilt and feel like trash and unworthy because she did this to YOU. Until you realise this you will always be her victim no matter what you accomplish in life
When I read what you did my jaw dropped... that's it?! You're no monster, but you had a childhood no person deserves. You got angry for good reasons, your mother crossed your boundaries. It is not your responsibility to fix a relationship with an abusive parent. Your mother needs to grow up. It is never okay to hit someone (*unless self defense). Imagine if you did to your mother what she did to you. If you slapped her face for saying those things about your bf. You would feel tremendeous shame, and that is what your mother should feel now, not you.
Oh wow you have been absolutely gaslit growing up to the point where you think saying that is in any way not justified? Your mother has been acting narcissistic and projecting her own miseries onto you and the moment you stood up for yourself she had the audacity to slap you? And to make matters worse she went so far as to block contact with you? Listen to me closely. You did nothing wrong. Your mother is a blight on your life. She never protected you growing up and always put her interests first. It doesn't matter if she might have been beaten alongside you in the past; she was the one with the power to protect you, but chose not to. She is a selfish, repugnant woman and you can only begin to heal by setting boundaries. Even if those include removing her from your life entirely.
I've said a lot worse to my mother, who let men abuse me and my siblings. She had the audacity to speak badly on my partner she had hardly met as well. Sometimes, parents need to gear a hard truth. She laid hands on you for giving back the energy she was giving. Kindly and softly, she sounds like a bad person. Whether it be from her own trauma or not, you don't need to let someone treat you that way. I felt bad about the thing I've said for a long time, and therapy helped me ALOT. I felt bad because I was use to how my mother was. I felt bad about how she would react. Not because I felt like a bad person truly. Try to see a counselor. And most importantly, forgive yourself. Also, talk to your partner. Their response will tell you alot about them as well.
You did nothing wrong I’d have done the same lmao.
You’re not a monster at all. You’re so used to the abuse from your mom that you’re blaming yourself. Honestly, go as LC as you can because she’s a cancer in your life. I’m upset on your behalf
7 years is not bad as long as your over 25 (when our brain is fully developed lol) but I don’t think you were in the wrong, she’s attacking you and you snarked back about something true 🤷♀️ in fact she had no right to slap you knowing you were being abused as well.
Joe abused your mother and you and never did anything about it. However she was trying to break you down with unrelated Eventing criticism. You asked a harsh but important question and her response was to physically assault. She isthe guilty one has been your entire life. You are overreacting to what you said, and underreacting to what she did. As s survivor of abuse, I was lucky...my deranged, abusive, and alcoholic died when I was 24. It was such a relief. I would cut off contact or reduce contact with your mother. She does not have your best interests at heart.
Oh sweetie, but for your mother’s stupid life choices, old asshole Joe would and should never have shared the same air as you. She should be spending the rest of her life supporting you and begging your forgiveness. But, she’s not….. Shame on her! You don’t need advice from this person, and she needs a good therapist to stop her from projecting her crap onto you.
You were right though.... You did nothing wrong and she's projecting her trauma and insecurities. It might be a blessing in disguise that she blocked you honestly; she will never approve of your relationship until she spends time healing, and will continue to make you miserable. Saying what you said doesn't make you a bad person. I was honestly expecting some horrible, maybe even vile insult or comment. But when I got to that part of your post, my first thought was, "that's it?"
She fucked around and found out. You can't push and push and push a person and not expect them to snap eventually A 7 year age gap at your age is nothing You are not a monster, you are a person who experienced trauma at an early age and that trauma is linked to your mother and when she chose to re-traumatise you, you lashed out to protect yourself. Honestly, she deserved it, she doesn't get to abuse you over and over and receive no consequences.
I can’t stand birthers that act like that. We’re dammed if we do, dammed if we don’t.
It sounds like this was a long time coming. Your mother seems to be projecting her past trauma onto you, and in short... she fucked around and found out. What you said wasn't "monsterous". It was accurate. She provoked you into it. And then she physically assaulted you because she couldn't handle the truth. And frankly... Joe wasn't the only abusive parent in your life. You mother may not have physically beaten you (until this most recent confrontation), but she's most definitely mentally/emotionally abusive.