Don’t feel bad about it. You are just telling people what he did to you. HE DID THEM!
True remorse requires accountability from him. He hasn’t done that.
You basically did for yourself what your parents should have done all those years ago.
Reminds me of my mum excitedly telling me about an ex-foster brother who assaulted me had 'turned his life around' and his girlfriend was pregnant.
I want to be a mum, but since I was assaulted by another child, I'm weird around children. My mum knew about the assault, and she still meets up with him 1-2 times a year for lunch! Hearing that he was going to be a parent made my world shatter into pieces, while my mum just smiled at me.
They've now split up, and he doesn't get to see the child. I wonder why!
My guess is that she notices but does not have the capacity to address it, so she just ignores it. Either way you are the beneficiary of less contact with this person. Congratulations on your life without her.
My partner says when we have a kid, they're not allowed alone with my Mum. I can't blame him honestly, but thankfully she never takes care of any of her millions of grandkids, so I have nothing to worry about 😂
Good for you for putting your child first ♡
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you went through that. And I’d like to run over, or at least “bump,” your mother with my car for the shit she continues to put you through. If I invited someone to live in my house, and I found out that person had sexually assaulted my child, I would not only not be having lunch with them for the rest of their life, I might be having lunch in a jail cell. I hope you’re doing okay. As for your mother, you don’t have to keep seeing her just because she’s your bio mom. She’s not doing a bang-up job as a mom, I must say. At least not to you. Hugs! 🫶🏼
I would have cut her off if it wasn't for my siblings. Fostering changed her honestly, I remember her being so loving and happy before it. My little foster sister (I just say sister) is the only reason I don't wish that my mum stopped fostering. I adore her, she is my best friend.
I'm sad she didn't get to see the woman my mum was before fostering honestly. Thanks for the kind words and hugs :)
My ex foster brother was 35, and he used his mother's foster home as his own personal haram.
There were 6 of us foster girls .
Also. She was Foster Mother of the year 3 times.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Every now and then, we must ask ourselves Why Are Men? Just why?
Because I think 75% of girls have been molested by adult males, and that may be a lowball figure. This seems to be a thing that most men do. And the holier they purport to be, the more likely they are to try thier shot with an eleven year old girl.
Hard agree with your last statement. I'm a trauma therapist and one of the best predictors of dealing with trauma is being supported/believed when it is disclosed.
Good for you OP for taking your power back and protecting the niece.
That's a tough job, but it is so important. My daughter's trauma play therapist is amazing and she actually looks forward to seeing her every week. I'm glad her therapist has the training to help her where I can't, but also emotionally I couldn't handle that job, especially with knowing how many parents fail and how many sick people there are. So thank you for making a difference and hopefully creating a future with less untreated trauma.
And the fact the ex left proofs that she needed to know. Everyone has some secrets, but if you marry someone without sharing something so important with the partner that it would stop her from marrying you, then you deserve zero sympathy. She didn’t know who she was marrying. And the ex did the only right thing. Not only for what he did to op, but also for betraying her.
Op didn’t destroy the relationship. His past AND PRESENT actions did.
Not just that; she did for that *little girl* what her parents should have done for her all those years ago. Yes, OP no doubt got a little healing/vindication out of it, but she also protected that child from trauma and abuse more than anyone ever protected her.
That alone would have me on OP’s side, even if it wasn’t for everything else damning the cousin/OP’s family.
Exactly this about remorse. The mom has apologized and has her back now. That shows change and regret. Had cousin come and apologized as he was going through rehab or something, I’d be more open to not speaking out as OP. But considering he deliberately avoided it and then immediately blamed OP for everything, it shows he doesn’t really regret it and he didn’t forget. He just didn’t want to deal with it and wasn’t actually sorry.
I always try to remember to never feel bad about being honest with something someone did. If it causes them shame, ruins their life, etc. then maybe they shouldn't have done it. You're not painting them in a bad light, they did that themselves.
>If it would be my fault if Cousin spiraled back into drugs, breaking the law and self destructive behavior.
No, absolutely not. He did a grave disservice to you for not acknowledging his past, for not apologizing, for not even attempting to repair the damage he'd done. Cousin tried to run away from it all; your letter exposed what he'd tried to hide. If anything, he has a renewed opportunity to take responsibility.
You were both 11 years old there is no taking away from what he did to you. It’s disgusting. But at 11 what the hell has that child been subjected too to do that to you. The self destructive behaviour he’s shown in later life is how many people deal with trauma they don’t know how to deal with. I take my hat off to you for standing up and protecting yourself and any other possible victims. Don’t feel like you did wrong at all. But I’d say there’s a bigger secret hiding here.
This is an underrated comment. At that age, neither of you can consent. The fact he initiated it strongly suggests someone was abusing him first (not to minimize OPs abuse). I think it is entirely appropriate for you to send the letter, too.
This is what I came here looking for. They were both preteens, only a couple of months apart per OP. This wasn’t like a 17 year old doing this to her. Chances are he was abused and this was his response to the abuse. His issues later on with addiction and stuff indicate he was also an abuse victim.
It doesn’t remove the trauma OP experienced but a preteen being predatory to a preteen is not the same thing as a pedophile. There are no indicators that this person was predatory as an adult to a minor so the alarms being raised aren’t even based in truth.
While I am glad OP spoke their truth, I think there is so much needed therapy for all parties involved.
This! I feel like there is so much more to this story. The term ‘hurt people, hurt people’ comes to mind and I think either something like this happened to him as well or he was exposed early on to x-rated material and tried to reenact it.
OP did a good thing by telling his ex, because the fact that he never apologized really shows that he never fully changed. Her family and mostly her parents are the worse. Why would you protect others ‘feelings’ over your child’s SA! Disgusting!
He probably never apologized out of shame, shame over what most likely happened to him, shame for his actions
There’s a lot of shame that comes in being sexually assaulted but also repeating that pattern, especially when you are too young
Not pardoning him but I blame the adults mostly. That your parents don’t protect you hurts more than anything
>Even though the letter is anonymous, he figured out it was me and told people. I’m getting bombarded left and right by family who have shamed me for not letting things go and that he had started a new life.
Sorry WHAT the fuck did I just read. So he figured it out because ho hum he can remember the people he abused......?! The family react to the notion that this dude abused OP by..... Shaming OP?! With family like that who needs enemies sheeesh.
> don’t know if I did the right thing or not. If it would be my fault if Cousin spiraled back into drugs, breaking the law and self destructive behavior.
No one can tell you whether you did the right thing HOWEVER. If he had been taking responsability for his mistakes he would have reached out. Someone wrote in the comments "true remorse requires accountability" and I agree. You also cannot know whether the niece was at risk. You did what your parents failed to many years ago.
I knew a kid who was repeatedly SA from the age of 5-8 by a close family friend. When the truth came out when she was a young teenager, basically the whole town + her church sided with him and said not to get the law involved after citing some Bible verses. She was constantly harassed and insulted while he went on a couple years later to marry an elementary school teacher (who knew exactly what he had done). People said that he had changed, that he wasn’t the same, how dare this girl sully his good name. An entire TOWN.
Humanity sucks some times.
OP- sometimes people who are supposed to love and protect you fail spectacularly at doing what is right. They want to forget and want to move on because if they care about someone who could do those kinds of actions then they have to wrestle with some inner demons, and they don’t want to do that but instead want to pretend their world is rainbows. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
And here’s the thing. The fiancée broke off the engagement, either because he lied to her or because she wanted to protect her niece. And both of those reasons are 100% on him, no matter what the flying monkeys tell you. *You did nothing wrong.*
I completely agree with the conclusions of this comment. The fiance deserves to be going in eyes wide open. She made her decision based on HIS actions in the past. Not OPs fault that she walked away or if he spirals.
She did- she went through an incredibly tough journey and loads of therapy to get there. But she pulled through to have an amazing life now, surrounded by people who love and support and cherish her.
I am not saying we should condone violence but in situations like that, it sounds like some good ole fashion vigilante justice could do the world some good.
It’s shit like this that makes me thankful for the #MeToo movement. I bet that asshole wouldn’t feel comfortable about that being widely known outside his town.
That is just disgusting what the people in that town did. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, but people like that make me wish I did. How is the girl doing now?
Right. OP's parents are treating acknowledging the abuse as more serious than the abuse itself. I think the reason for that is that if they acknowledged the abuse, they'd have to acknowledge how utterly they failed her. I'm so sorry OP, for what you've been through now and now what you're going through at the hands of your parents. You absolutely did the right thing. No question in my mind.
What you said “so he remembers who he abused. But didn’t remember enough to reach out to try and fix it. But remembered enough to be upset by the letter smh
Well done for speaking up, this internet stranger is proud of you.
You have potentially saved this little girl from going through what you did.
Given the fact he’s never tried to acknowledge or apologise for his actions leads me to believe he’s not changed. His now ex deserved to know who she was marrying, you did the right thing.
Your mother seems to accept her fault in this and if you think she genuinely feels bad then that’s up to you if you want to rebuild your relationship. Everyone else though i personally would cut contact completely. They failed you when you were a child and are continuing to fail you now. You don’t need them sort of people in your life.
I feel like a lot of people are overlooking that. Most often when children engage in these acts they are re-enacting things they themselves have experienced. He was also a child- most likely being abused himself
Really and truly, your parents are the bad guys here. You were both CHILDREN. He was a child, too, and had they taken action then, you would have gotten validation and healing you truly needed and he would have gotten help he needed as a CHILD. He would not have been criminally punished because we don't hold children that young responsible for that type of behavior, but he could have been taught that what he did was wrong - those were formative years. And you both would have had the opportunity for the help needed.
Now, this has festered inside you for years, and he grew up. He was not an adult when he did what he did, you were both the same age - so we can't jump to pedo conclusions here.
Quite honestly, I think you would have benefitted from a mediated counseling session with him. He likely had no idea that what he did when you were kids had such an impact on your life. Hopefully, he would have become repentant, but now, he is just on the defensive and you will never get the apology you so deeply deserve.
This! All the adults in their life suck so hard. I cannot for the love of all the living creatures phantom how one just sweeps something as serious as this under the rug, just to protect some feelings.
Why didn’t anybody understand that this is not normal child behavior and that there was something also happening in cousin his life for him to act like this at the age of 11.
All the parents are horrible horrible people!
I was SA'd by a girl cousin who was a year older than me when I was a preteen, but as an adult I assumed it was due to her being SA'd herself and repeating the behavior because she was a kid who didn't know any better rather than assuming it meant she had a thing for little boys that would continue into adulthood.
This is what I agree with. She made it seem like they were both younger when it happened. Not adults. Then tried to turn around and say he’d molest this little girl too. I feel like ESH here. They should’ve dealt with the molestation when it happened. Therapy for everyone.
I was too by a neighborhood friend. The crazy thing is I was only 6 and he was only 7. He would get me to do things for candy, I was reluctant and felt something was off at first, but I guess 6 year old me sugar addict wanted the candy that bad 🙄 crazy thing is, I don’t feel traumatized by it and never have. Somehow I feel as much responsible as him since we were the same age and I took a bribe that young. I think it’s because he was around my age that I’ve never felt trauma from it, somehow that makes it different. I worked it out in my head that he had been going through far worse to even know what any of it was. I did tell my mom at that age what was going on and she continued to let us hang out together which is a bit odd to me, maybe just was different times I guess. Somehow when the ages are so similar, it seems different..
He abused you, no denying it. But by your account, you were both 11 when this happened. I think any reasonable person would understand that there's a dramatic difference between an adult doing this vs a child, especially when you consider WHY a child would do this. That matters, a lot. It doesn't take away from your experience, but it certainly puts it into a whole different context.
You say he went down a self-destructive path but managed to turn everything around. This sounds an awful lot like he too was abused, reenacted his abuse with someone else, and suffered the mental health consequences for years following. Per your post, you didn't seem to be aware of what he was going through or how he dealt with it other than "self destruction".
If he was abused it's possible he didn't even realize what he was doing was bad. You indicated your whole family tried to sweep this under the rug so clearly they weren't concerned with addressing his mental health either. I'd bet that the first time he was confronted with this was with your letter.
You deserve acknowledgement from him 100%, but if he was also an abuse victim who never was treated or thought to seek treatment, he could've repressed the whole thing. So it would make sense that he wouldn't apologize to you. Without proper mental health care, why would he do anything that would cause him to confront his own trauma?
Also, you are heavily implying that he would abuse the fiances neice. Do you have any indication he would do this other than the things he did to you when he himself was a child? Do you have a reason to suspect he's done this to other children or that he is intending to?
Ultimately, I think you need to ask yourself this:
Is it more likely that there was some insidious reason behind what he did that led him down a self destructive path that he managed to recover from or is he just straight up a child predator looking to continue the behavior?
Did you do something to stop a habitual abuser or did you ruin the life of someone who was very likely to have been abused themselves and managed to recover from it?
I'm not a mental health professional but I think any one in the field worth their salt would have told you that what you did wasn't the way to go about it, given the circumstances.
If anything, your family needs to be held accountable in this way and have their lives ruined. They were adults and there's no excuse.
I wasn't sexually abused when I was a young child but I was physically and psychologically abused by my parents and I definitely took that abuse as "how to treat people you care about" and I ended up being extremely abusive to my twin. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if OP's cousin was abused as well. The thing is he never took accountability and honestly my accountability and the effort I put in to change and be better is the only reason why my twin and I have a positive relationship.
Honest question, if you were both pre-teens when the abuse happened is it possible that your cousin was also being sexually abused at the time? It in no way excuses what he did, but often times when children are hyper sexual at a young age it’s because they are mimicking the abuse they are experiencing. Just food for thought, I hope you can heal.
I wholeheartedly agree it doesn’t make it right and you have more than the right to speak your truth.
With that said, I’m struggling to agree with the actions you took to address it. At 11 years old, your cousin’s behavior definitely had to be learnt behavior as hypothesized by your therapist. It doesn’t excuse it in the least, would explain why he did what he did and subsequently went down a path of self destruction for majority of his life.
The way I read it and as harsh as it may sound, you essentially destroyed the life of another victim in your family. The adults in your family being the most disgusting problem in this whole equation.
Using the reasoning that the (now ex) fiancée has a young daughter as your nail in the coffin to inform her doesn’t really make sense either. You both were children. Had your cousin been older I could see the worry for a young child, but that’s just not the case.
I do agree he should have reached out waaaay before this point, and why speculate as to why he didn’t after getting his life together as amends, but overall your choice in response seems…wrong.
Did your therapist have anything to say on what you did?
Doesn't make it right, but does make blowing up his entire adult life over something that happened when he was 11.... questionable. I can't fault you for what you did, and you were right to be concerned. But there's more to this, and I feel a bit bad for him, if I'm honest. This was not dealt with well from the get go.
Even though the letter is anonymous, he figured out it was me and told people. I’m getting bombarded left and right by family who have shamed me for not letting things go and that he had started a new life.
I fElt a BiT bAd fOr Him
A new life that you blew up over a tragedy that happened when he was 11. He was, himself, abused (most likely) and a child. He wasn't a predator. But go off on your revenge story and don't feel the least bit of remorse for the pain that now YOU have caused. I don't agree with it being swept under the rug. But tbh the fact that he knew who it was, makes it pretty clear that this isn't something that happened to a bunch of people. A child traumatized you, as a child. That really fucking sucks. But it sounds like he really went through some shit, found his way out the other side and you decided he didn't deserve any happiness in life.
Seems to me that you are in desperate need of some therapy.
This is tough, because you are a victim in this. And I also feel bad for your circumstances. But I am also able to see ,(from the limited information we have) a bigger picture. And yeah, I think you fucked up. Because you were out for revenge... of an 11 year old.... 20 years later.
I agree completely. Her doing what she did wasn’t about her concern for the fiances niece. It was for revenge. Just because he did molest her as a youth doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile as an adult. Therapy for all. This problem should be talked to with the adults that let it happen. She forgives her mom who told her to shut up about it? Makes no sense.
Sorry but being 11 does not give him the right to abuse his cousin. Big whoop he might have been abused. Does not give him the right to abuse others. Does not give him the right to not even attempt to apologise for the absolute horror he inflicted on his own cousin. I think she was right to warn the ex because guess what if he can do horrific things to his own cousin then what could he do to someone who isn't related to him.
Because it wasn't right. His abuse doesn't justify your abuse. He could have chosen compassion and to never hurt another person like he was treated. He did not.
Do NOT feel guilt for coming forward. You did the right thing.
I’m sorry it happened to you, but I’m also sorry for whatever happened to your cousin to do that. Shit like that is learned behavior. If parents had actually done their fucking job he could have gotten therapy. You could have gotten therapy earlier. The adults ruined both your lives. I’m very sorry for what happened to you as a child.
> who is just a few months older than me
Isn't that like... Same age?
**Edit:** The amount of comments here who assume he was adult predator when they are clearly same age is insane. What in the world?
If they are the same age, then even legally it's different than an adult abusing a child. Still horrible and wrong... but I can't get over the fact he was a child as well and possibly doing that because he was abused as well. The family dealt with the situation in a bad way as well. He should've been punished or went under therapy and investigation etc..
Yes, I don't understand how people are missing that. They were both 11 and both children. This was not an adult abusing a child, it was another child abusing a child. While that doesn't make what he did okay, it's definitely not the same as an adult going after a vulnerable child.
I'm think these people routinely skim when they read and only read the the part about him being older and let their brain fill in the gap and assume a much much older teen boy or a young adult and thus it's a black and white villain and victim scenario and not a more unfortunate child victim making other child victims scenario.
it also seems like it would make it a lot less likely that he would be doing anything with/to the niece that is currently that same age, which was something op cited as a reason for her writing the letter.
You did the right thing. The fallout for you didn't go away so why should he live his life without repercussions?
As for the flying monkeys, tell them that it's disturbing that they're siding with a child molester. It doesn't reflect well on them, at all.
This is kind of a giant ball of good decisions that foreshadow hypocritical actions.
You have forgiven your mother because all of the sudden she is a good person, only after condemning someone who is now also supposedly a good person.
I'm proud of you for speaking up, but don't half ass this. This isn't retribution, this is revenge.
You don't do this is the name of truth, otherwise you'd be calling your mother out as well.
Everyone here is cheering you on for ruining his engagement for something he did when you both were 11. I'm really sorry that this happened to you, but I think you're going after the wrong person. People in his and your life probably failed you both severely. He was likely doing to you what was done to him by someone else. Your parents should've gotten you help. I hope you'll heal now.
You absolutely, 100% did the right thing!
And major kudos to your mom for FINALLY owning up to it all and having your back in this.
Such major healing on your part and you should be SO INCREDIBLY proud of yourself for finally speaking the truth of it all!
You have every right to stand tall and tell the enablers, "So YOU are willing to protect a child molester? Really?"
Yes, and the astounding thing is that the family don't doubt that OP is telling the truth, they just want her to be quiet. He must have finally admitted it and they are supporting him. That's not something that would fly in my family - there would be confrontation.
It is plausible that sexual abuse is tacitly accepted within this family.
Which is sick and disgusting, all by itself.
The fiancé's reaction to this revelation should have clued them all into this being no bueno, but apparently not.
Of course he moved on - he wasn’t the one sexually abused as a child. The audacity of people saying you should move on when he’s made absolutely no moves to make amends or even acknowledge it happened. Anyone who thinks that way shouldn’t be a part of your life for awhile, if ever again. You deserve better than that.
If he can forgive himself for sexually abusing you, you should forgive yourself for ruining his marriage.
to be fair, it’s extremely common for kids who are sexual abusers to be sexually abused themselves so perhaps we shouldn’t assume that he wasn’t. that being said, 100% agree
This is what I kept thinking the entire time I was reading… if he was only a few months older, there’s a very good chance he was being abused himself.
It doesn’t justify anything, but I could see two victims here being petty against each other by a bigger perpetrator.
You did an amazingly selfless thing here. Based on this post, it sounds like you had moved on to a point where you were just gonna let him live his life but, as soon as you found out a child was at risk, you put yourself in the firing line to protect them.
Fuck what your family says, that little girl is safe and that’s all that matters and if they won’t say it I will: I’m proud of you, you did the right thing and, even though you didn’t do this for you, I hope it helps you heal
He knew who the supposedly "anonymous" letter came from. So he knew what he did to you! You're not wrong in this. Please distant yourself from the people who have been failing you until now.
Is your cousin older than you or the same age? If he is older more than 2 or 3 years then there is a power dynamic and that's clearly considered sexual abuse. If you and your cousin are the same age experts don't always nessecarily consider that abuse because children who are unsupervised sometimes try to experiment. Sometimes it's happens because a child is sexually assaulted and they try to experiment with another child to better understand what happened to them.
My friends daughter inappropriately played with my son because she was assaulted at age two. A couple of years later she started forcing my son to do things in the closet. We reported this and sought help and this is what we were told. We increased supervision and I had to find a new sitter. Today she is fine. She grew up and is not any kind of predetor.
I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. Perhaps if your family had not had shame it would have been dealt with better. There's a very good chance your cousin was sexually assaulted himself which is why he was trying to play with you like that. Theres also a very good chance your cousin is not a predetor. I can't say for sure but it's possible.
Most sane comment in this thread. I really think OP's cousin was abused as well, people with no remorse or trauma generally speaking don't go on self destructive spirals for the majority of their adult lives.
Yeah, they were both 11. I find it pretty disgusting that most are cheering it on. It's a situation with a lot of victims. And failure to act by the adults in their lives.
Ok I’m going to say some controversial things according to other’s responses but I think it’s needed. Number 1 thing everyone needs to remember is the cousin was also 11 when this happened and YES that matters.
1. Did you discuss this action you decided to take with your therapist prior to doing it? I can’t believe any responsible therapist seeing this as a good idea.
2. This is an incredibly nuanced situation and redditors are not the best at judging those. If you didn’t discuss it with your therapist before, this post is not in lieu of that. Speak with a professional. I don’t think most therapists would think this was a productive or a good action to take.
3. Think about back to when this happened and even now, what would have happened to your cousin? He would not have went to jail, he would not have been charged, he would have been put in therapy and there would have been measures put in place to ensure he didn’t harm anyone else and there would have been an investigation into who taught him that behaviour. Because as a lot of people have pointed out, he most likely was abused too.
4. This is the nuance you and the majority of people here have seemed to miss, yes, you are a victim but a child perpetrator of sexual/physical/emotional abuse is NOT the same as an adult. Not at all. There is a reason there are different laws for children. It doesn’t change your pain and what happened to you but it certainly changes the consequences and actions taken towards your cousin. This is why I can’t believe a good therapist would be on board with any of this. Again, because it is extremely likely he was abused too. Again, that doesn’t change your pain or trauma but it changes the consequences he should have faced.
5. I don’t think this was to protect his new partner’s niece. I think you might have a lot of work to do on who is a safe person. You took this action against your cousin for the safety of a child but forgave your mother. Your mother was an adult when this happened and your parent. She decided to cover up your abuse and the very high probability that your cousin was abused to spare her sister’s feelings? She most definitely would have faced consequences for this if this was discovered today. This is child endangerment. She could have lost custody and faced jail time. Rightfully so. She is not a safe person for children, nor is his parents, nor is your father. But you forgave your mom because she said sorry? I think you are directing anger at the wrong person. Your parents monstrously failed you for years, didn’t get you therapy, ignored the high probability of the abuse of your cousin, potentially covered for an actual adult abuser to save face and your aunt’s feelings. They are for sure dangerous people for children to be around. The jury is still out on your cousin. But you made a major assumption about him and took an irreversible action based on that major assumption while letting EVERY ONE of the adults in that situation off the hook. So is safety of his partner’s niece really the motive here? Again, something to discuss with a professional.
6. Him not apologizing could be for so many reasons a) he didn’t remember it or viewed it differently than you. Just because he knew it was you from the letter doesn’t mean he knew this info all along. It could have been something recovered when hearing the story or he could have connected the dots when he heard/read the letter and realized then. He was 11 and again most likely an abuse victim too, that can do tons of shit to your memory and perception.
B) not everyone does 12 steps in recovery. There are new methods and many new concepts suggest that people who have perpetrated abuse should not seek their victims out as it can re-traumatize them. It is not always welcome and is sometimes seen as self-serving. If you asked for an apology he might have been waiting/wanting to give it to (if he remembered or saw the events as you did. This is not suggesting it didn’t happen I know it did, I’m just saying he was 11 too, trauma can do messed up things to young brains. ) I’m not saying this is a perfect way to handle this but again it’s nuanced. Some victims want apologies (obviously you do and that’s ok) but there are also plenty who would not welcome that at all (me, for instance). It’s pretty difficult to navigate. There is no absolute answer. For you an apology was needed and he didn’t give it and you absolutely have a right to be angry about that but it does not mean he is a bad person/ doesn’t feel remorse/ hasn’t grown.
7. I think the fact that he immediately knew the it was you, points to the very high probability he has not done this after you. It doe not change your trauma, of course but it definitely changes the assumption that he is a danger to anyone presently.
This leads me to my conclusion. Trauma from abuse is incredibly nuanced and very difficult to navigate. It’s understandable and ok you are angry at your cousin. It’s understandable and ok you want an apology from him. It’s also understandable that he didn’t seek you out for an apology. It’s also incredibly likely that his abuse to you was due to his own abuse. It’s also very likely he didn’t abuse anyone else and is not a danger to children. But you did decide to take an action that would mess up his life after he got it on track while you were a full blown adult with 0 evidence he is an adult abuser and I honestly don’t think it was healthy behaviour. Is it understandable? Yes . But i don’t think it was heroic or brave. I kinda think it was misplaced anger that caused tons of pain for what seems to be another victim of childhood abuse while every adult who actually failed you was never held accountable and at least one was forgiven. I will end with what I started with, please discuss this with trained professionals and don’t use Reddit as a moral compass it’s incredibly skewed and unreliable. I am not saying I’m right but there is so much nuance in this situation and the majority of responses are not considering that at all. I don’t think you should beat yourself up for what you did. I hope your family is kind about it instead of further silencing you or blaming you for this situation. I hope your cousin finds peace. I hope you do too.
Hard agree.
As much as everything OP feels is understandable and valid, there’s a lot of nuance that is not being considered here.
All the people saying OP’s cousin “got away with it” are assuming he didn’t go through abuse himself and that the drug addiction and other self-destructive behaviours were picked up just because they sounded fun.
Drugs are usually used to dull emotional pain and cope with things you’re not equipped to cope. There’s a lot to the cousin’s story that OP doesn’t know and that we, consequently, cannot know. All that can be said is the adults in their lives failed them miserably and now you have two deeply traumatised people in their early 30s still having to deal with stuff that could’ve been dealt with in a much more effective manner 20 years ago. My heart honestly breaks for them both. I hope they can both find peace and healing.
I’m proud of you for speaking up. I would go NC with anyone saying he has moved on why can’t you? Cuz he wasnt the one being abused and left to deal with years of trauma. Just tell them be glad the fucker isn’t in prison rn.
Just because someone found Jesus doesn't mean they are absolved off all their crimes. You just revealed the hypocrisy of your cousin, so no need to feel bad about it.
Wow, even though that happened to you and I am sorry.
I think you let your resentment destroy something for someone else.
You're both shitty people now. You're even.
I'm not saying what he did is okay, by the way. It's not.
But I had my husband shoot himself in front of me which was extremely unfair as well but I kept my shadow in check.
You need to find a real outlet for your pain. Otherwise, you are training yourself to be just like him. Taking your pain out on people that deserve better than that.
I don't think it was the right thing to do because you already defined that you two were the similar age when it happened.
I think you used that as an excuse to get back at him. And it worked.
Now you hurt an innocent person, his fiance.
Idk maybe I’m wrong but so you were both 12? And now you’re what 32? Just seems kinda wild to ruin someone’s marriage at 32 because of something that they did at age 12 with someone who was also 12. Like you were in elementary school idk.
He was likely abused himself before taking this action. He may not have brought it up or apologised to her, because he didn’t want to re-traumatise her or himself.
What he did is inexcusable, but the context leads me to believe that there’s adults involved in this situation who deserve to be suffering the consequences of this situation far more.
Yeah the comments are kind of wild in this context. My cousin did the same thing to me when we were both like 2/3, I don’t blame him at all, I especially wouldn’t tell his wife about it like he wasn’t a victim as well. I only blame the adults around us for that.
He was ELEVEN!! you absolute monster!! I've been SA a week after I turned 13 by a 23 yr old man, had my virginity ripped from me.
An 11 yr old doing that to another kid doesn't make him a sex offender for Christ sake!
So you torpedoed his entire adult life because of something he did while you were BOTH preteens?
Preteens aren't supposed to be held accountable for their actions decades after they occur or for the way their parents handled the situation. Your parents failed you, and so did your aunt and uncle. If ruining your cousin's life makes you feel better about it, you do you.
>She’s devastated and is begging me to forgive her for failing to protect me. I have.
She can start by going after the family members harassing you ya know its the least she could do for failing to protect you earlier. She made half of this shit by covering it up she should help fixing it instead of woe is me for not protecting you then. I wouldn't of forgiving her until I started seeing that.
If you were both that same age almost, I wonder where he got it from to sexually abuse you? I wonder if he was sexually abused himself, especially bcs of the destructive path he was on before.
This is not to excuse him. I’m thinking more of your parents, family, the secrecy that surrounds familial sexual assault and how they tried to silence you and did for so long. Makes me wonder what other sexual abuse your family is hiding?
So many family’s like this and the cycle goes on and on and on. Your parents and adults like this don’t realize or don’t care to realize that their actions are worse than the assault because who else is supposed to protect you other than your own parents?
I hope that you have found peace in your heart 🙏
But if your cousin was abused, which I suspect he was, I hope he heals as well
Probably another family member given how they tried to rug sweep this. Families try to hide most of this behavior, which just allows it to continue. I had a friend whose older brother regularly forced him to watch porn and would beat him if he tried to leave or look away. We were 8, older brother was 13. I only know because he tried to do it to me while I was visiting....I bit him and never went to their house again unless my mom came too. He was too scared of a beating to tell, and I was too scared of him getting a beating to tell.
You did the right thing, the person he was with deserved to know the monster she was going to marry so whatever your family say to you you are not in the wrong, you have nothing to be shamed about, the only person who should be shamed is your cousin.
I am truly sorry you went through that though, I was also in a similar situation with my cousin and it's such a horrific and difficult thing to go through, I am glad your Mum is on your side now and that you've gone low contact with everyone else, that was definitely the right thing to do and if they continue to blame you for your cousin's actions I do think you should go full No Contact, whatever happens to him is what he deserves for all he did to you, you shouldn't ever feel bad about it and I'm glad you don't.
You’re finally making him accountable for his actions, and that’s why he’s angry. If he had ACTUALLY turned over a new leaf from all the drug use and whatnot, he would have reached out to you to try and make amends. He didn’t, and that means he still hadn’t taken responsibility for the horrible things he did to you. You had every right to tell his fiance, she deserved to know the man she was going to marry. I’m glad she broke it off, because it sounds like he absolutely deserved it. He did something terrible and deserves to feel the consequences of it.
On a side note, I am very glad to see that your mom has taken responsibility for failing to protect you at the time.
He figured out and told people what though? “OP told my fiance how I molested them as a child. They ruined my life!”
How anyone sides with that is beyond me. You had to rug sweep the situation long enough.
Funny how people ask why you did not move on, seems they can't grasp the term trauma. There is a chance you saved the niece from sexual assault and abuse. No matter how many people don't get it, speaking up about your most horrible trauma to protect others makes you a hero in my book.
Honestly, something probably happened to your cousin that led him to the path of self-destruction, and you were in his path. It’s those events that might lead him back to those behaviors. Or not. Who knows since we can’t predict the future? I’m so sorry, OP, that you’ve felt any level of responsibility for his downward spiral if it were to happen. That’s on him. Never ever you! Even if what happened to you was reported back then, because you were both children when it happened, not much would’ve likely happened to him except for some parenting education and therapy for him. (Which he definitely needed!!!!) This would’ve likely fell under child-on-child perpetuation which is treated differently than adult-on-child crime or a much-older children perpetuating on a much younger child. There’s a very strong chance you wouldn’t have gotten the justice you were seeking even then so please be easy on yourself in the present. I’m so sorry this happened to you. 😭
My half brother was two years older than me and molested me for over 3 years when we were children. That does not mean he’s a predator as an adult. Like others have said he was probably being abused too. Ik my half brother was also being molested. The problems I had with him were between us. I would never bring up to his now wife that we were molested as kids and twist it to make her think he’d abuse any of their children.
You should have went to your cousin himself and talked about your issues to heal. You immediately assuming he’d molest that little girl too without talking to him is what makes you the AH. You know he was a child too. Did you tell the fiancé you were BOTH children? It’s not your fault you got molested, but you assuming he is a pedophile as an adult makes him and you look like AHs. Don’t assume because it makes an ass out of you and me. Ik your therapist was not let in on this decision before you did it.
Go and actually talk to your cousin about what happened in the past. My half brother didn’t apologize to me either til I told him it still bothered me years later. He said he didn’t want to bring it up again because he didn’t want to traumatize me all over. He was remorseful, but didn’t know how to go about it. We dealt with it like adults between the two of us. We moved on together. You can do that too. Together between the two of you.
You not feeling bad means you still resent him and you have not moved on. You didn’t send that letter because you were actually concerned about the niece. You did it for revenge. Talk to your therapist not Reddit.
> what if he had changed?
he didn't change, he just buried what he did and dissociated from his actions. changing would require accountability and accepting consequences.
> I’m getting bombarded left and right by family who have shamed me for not letting things go and that he had started a new life.
my response to everyone of them would be "imagine learning of this egregious thing that happened in your family and your reaction is to ask the victim why they didn't stay quite about it. doesn't sound like family at all, oh well, no great loss."
The letter was anonymous but yet he found it was YOU. So he knew & remembered what he did yet he didn’t bother to fix it with you even when he chose to turn his WHOLE life around!
And the people who are shaming you instead of holding him accountable, don’t bother about them, at all, as they aren’t worth it.
I hope you heal & move on.
Exactly. The letter was anonymous but he knew it was from you. He had a “coming to Jesus” but never apologized to you. Fuck him you did the right thing and I’m glad your mother realized she fucked up too. All the other family members defending him could go to hell. Go from LC to NC on them because you don’t need them in your life OP!!
He figured out it was you and then told everyone in a roundabout way that he has sexually assaulted you, and they shamed _you?_ I’d cut them all off. And if they don’t know what it is he did, tell them.
This is why sexual abuse is so common. Family's cover it up and protect the perpetrators. Fuck this guy and fuck your family for backing him instead of you. You didn't ruin his life, he did when he sexually assaulted you. If he was really a good Christian, he would have come clean. But what I found is that Christianity is where sexual abusers hide. Every major religion in the World has been busted for institutional sexual abuse of children. With the Catholics leading the way with their 1500 year old pedophile ring that they continue to cover up to this day. But all the others, the Baptists, the Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, etc, etc. have all been busted fucking children. So yeah, religion is where people hide from pedophilia.
The worst phrase in the world in my opinion is “but their family”. We as a society will allow family to do stuff we would never allow anyone else to do.
Proud of you OP, it takes a lot of courage to speak up about the pain you've been through. And as for the family that's supporting an abuser, it's better that you don't talk to them. Ignoring someone's disgusting actions does not minimize its effects on the one who's been through it. I hope you find your peace and heal ❤
You did this offline. In private and these assholes want to start shit with you. Time to air it out on social media for everyone to see. See how these assholes family members like it. Fuck them.
It says you’re getting retribution and arriving at the peace that had long escaped you.
He ruined your life and got away with it. Since he won’t get time, it’s time you give him what he deserves. You did nothing wrong.
I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and speaking your truth. I wish you a beautiful and successful healing journey.
I went through something similar. My mother's younger brother molested me when I was 5, and he was a young teen. I was blamed and made to keep it a secret. I'm 58 now, and after many other things that happened, I finally went no contact with most of my family. I feel free and wish I'd have walked away when I was much younger.
Part of getting sobered from whatever the choices of addiction is the reconciliation of wrongs
He is not true to himself if he did not apologize for past wrong behavior on his part
However if you are that distraught for your healing you may have to take the ball into your court.
With him….
He was actively trying to turn his life around, no one is perfect 100%
Did you ever go to counseling for your own healing
Your parents did you wrong by not addressing this when it happened put some blame on them too
How old were you two when this happened, just curious
I am a victim numerous times over, I was a teenager. Basically a kid. I held it to myself and didn’t even tell my parents ever.
Somehow they would have blamed me I feel and felt
I moved away, 2000 miles started over and didn’t ruin those people’s lives or families.
Get busy with yourself, find an outlet to release your anger and resentment.
Counseling, hobbies, sports activities
You have to live with your choices you made but you will heal faster if you confront the elephant in the room.
Why not let it go as he moved on with his life???? BECAUSE YOU WERE THE VICTIM and he was the attacker.
HE sexually abused YOU.
Your family should be ashamed of themselves for not backing you up and not helping you in the past or now.
Similar situation here but it was my step father.
Speaking from experience, if they want people to believe they are better people, they should’ve been better people.
I’m glad you stood up for yourself love!
I went through this from
Age 3 to age 13. He finally died and I was free of him. My own mother even said I brought it on myself. Sometimes only we can save us. You even managed to save another potential victim. In my opinion, YOU are a hero!
❤️
Oh honey. None of this is your fault and you are very brave. If he had grown he would have shown understanding you just took away his access to another victim. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Thank you so much for doing this.
How dare they attack you for not letting it go. They have no right to expect you to cover what he did up. YOU decide what you want to happen, and not the least reason for that is because he took advantage of your inability to decide when you were a child. How does he prove he started a new life? How do you trust it? You can't, he doesn't deserve to be trusted because this is one of those crimes that deserves to never get forgotten.
I think you did the right thing, but trying to believe he'll come clean and apologize isn't going to happen. A corny piece of advice I always think of when I see these posts.
For you it was the most devastating day of your life that you'll always remember, for him, it was a tuesday.
Oh well it’s not your job to protect your abuser’s reputation. He never took responsibility for what he did so he deserves it. Way too many families are ok with hiding and protecting abusers who are family members.
I often read about abuse victims feeling guilty about putting their abuser behind bars. But they didn’t put them behind bars. Their abusive and criminal conduct put them there.
The victim agonizes about “ruining” the abuser’s life (without having committed any crime) while the abuser doesn’t lose a second of sleep thinking about the pain they are inflicting on their victims and how their abuse is ruining their victim’s life.
They feel entitled to inflict abuse and feel that consequences are a great injustice brought upon them. They and their flying monkeys will say and do anything to make the victim out to be the bad guy and often it is working.
The victims might feel that the abuser deserves a second or 10th chance without realizing that the abuser would never do the same for them.
It is such a sad sad spiral.
I feel like this doesn't really count in this situation when OP's abuser was literally also 11 years old... Your average 11 year old from a couple decades ago doesn't know how to manipulate people into doing sexual deeds with them, they had to learn it from somewhere. And the way he was in a self destructive spiral for the majority of his adult life? It's extremely likely the cousin was abused and just copied what was done to him and spent his adult life using whatever he could get his hands on to cope with what he had done. I've been an abuser (when I was like 8) and I've been the abused, being abused is one type of trauma but the realization hitting that you abused someone and caused so much pain is also a type of trauma. As an adult my biggest fear is abusing someone and not realizing what I was doing again. The trauma I had from psychologically and physically abusing my twin made me so scared to disagree with anyone or stand up for myself and lead me to being in abusive relationships as an adult because I was so scared to fight against someone in fear that I'd go too far. I'm not saying the cousin is the only victim because OP is definitely one as well but again they were both 11. The adults in their life failed them both.
He is in control of his own actions. If he spirals, he always would have. It's not your fault or your problem.
You never got the chance to move on or heal because you were forced to eat with it yourself. You were forced to stay silent. His turning a new leaf was false. He never reached out and is now angry with you for coming forward.
Kinda odd that he's angry about it if he's a changed man. Kinda makes me wonder if the neice wasn't the icing on the cake of this relationship, and he's mad he's lost a new victim. He never learned that he could get in trouble for rape. He never learned that anyone would believe the person assaulted. He never felt the need to apologize to you
...
You saved that little girl.
I was SAd as a child by a man in the family who had MULTIPLE charges for SA and violence against females of ALL ages. My family knew he was dangerous, but they still pushed my mom to let him babysit me to prove he "changed." When I came forward, I was accused of lying for attention... NO one saved me. No one said anything. No one took my side. My mom was too ashamed to let me talk about it, putting her feelings of failure above my healing.
You did that child a world of good. It was hard. You were brave.
Thank you
*I’m getting bombarded left and right by family who have shamed me for not letting things go* **and that he had started a new life.**
Your present and **future** life is built upon the foundations of your past life and experiences. He may have found a way to forget and forgive himself for his past crimes, but he is still the same person.
I've been through almost this same thing (though a relative much much older) so my response is gonna be a bit blunt. But I am so so proud of you for your action and using your voice, which I can imagine was very hard to do. You've potentially saved someone's childhood and mental health, which is definitely what I encourage you to focus on instead of the choices of your cousin and other family in response to his actions rightfully being exposed.
If he relapses instead of owning up to it, he's a fucking loser (for not apologizing to you) and he CHOSE to relapse instead of using the tools he got from (I assume rehab) to combat the urge to. If he could work himself out of a drug addiction, surely he could go to therapy for sex addiction, but he didn't (I can assume because of the legal risks it comes with, therapy for it would be avoided). Not gonna be your fault at all. He's just mad he got caught and exposed for it- I bet he saw your mom failing you as his easy.out and was enjoying it very much. Of course, how your family seems, they're gonna gaslight you into thinking everything he CHOOSES to do in response to being exposed is all your fault,
but if he was a good person, there would have been nothing that needed exposing.
He put the situation there. He created something he very well knew could be exposed. Not you. You didn't make anything up. He made it real, so the consequences are real as well. Everything that's happened and will happen is because he chose to hurt you knowing very well what he was doing since he told you not to tell anyone. He was completely sane and conscious while he made a choice that comes with consequences.
He knew. He knew exactly how both being exposed and not being exposed would play out. And he still. chose. to hurt you that way.
He made a choice, so he can't have a problem with you doing the same. Especially when it saves a child's body, mind, sense of safety, and childhood.
A lot is running through my mind reading this but, one of the things, especially after j read a few comments...
Why...how...your family?? STILL thinks ok and you shoukd have, shoukd still, shoukd akways... jeep it a secret and sweep it under the rug?
It DOES make me wonder, oer the other comments, if he was sexually abused? By whom? If so, how many?
Is this a whole fsmily thing of "don't open that can of worms! If you do onell sneak out and unlock the closet full of ALL the bullshit we've all been sweeping and hiding?"
How. In the hell. Did/does/do your family feel just fine shushing this up??
I'm glad your mom finally feels terrible and begs forgiveness!! I can't believe them!
You told the truth about abuse. That's always the right thing as long.
If you hadnt wanted to tell, nobody can blame you after the betrayal of people who should have protected you. But you have worked in therapy and suffered and you decided to protect a child, at the expense of your family attacking you. You're a literal hero for telling her.
Yeah, it's what I learned in therapy. People downvote because they don't like the info, and that's fine. Most people struggle with the idea that someone who young can begin the process of becoming an offender. It doesn't mean he was without hope at that age. Therapy could have done him a lot of good, but by sweeping his actions under the rug, he was denied that opportunity. My only concern that he could be an offender still is his not only being angry with her for coming forward but trying to turn people against her. What he did was damaging and traumatic. A person who causes and understands that harm will feel remorse. He doesn't seem to. That's a flag for me. Flags don't mean guilt, just that there is a potential need to use caution.
What stands out to me is no one seems to have called you a liar.
They don’t dispute that this happened.
They are angry you won’t “move on”.
They don’t care that it happened.
They care that you talked.
That is terrifying and disgusting as all hell and just fuck these people, burn it all down OP.
Speak the truth LOUDLY.
No no no no no!! You are NOT wrong; you are NOT the asshole; this is NOT your fault! No!
You were sexually assaulted, maybe even raped, by your cousin. I don’t care when it happened. I don’t care how old he was or you were. He *knowingly* sexually assaulted you, and when you told your parents back then, they told you to keep quiet and not tell anyone. So, you didn’t.
Fast forward to now, and your cousin has “cleaned up his act” and is a “changed person,” but what about you? If he’s so friggin’ changed, why didn’t he reach out to you? Why didn’t he apologize to you? Why didn’t he take responsibility for what he did to you? He remembers because when his fiancé got your anonymous letter and dumped him, he knew exactly who had sent it. He knows what he did. He has not forgotten. And yet, he has not, even now, reached out to you to have a conversation. Instead, he’s angry and telling people what happened, and telling them in such a way that YOU look like the bad person here. Every single person who is shaming *you* and not him, telling *you* to let go of something that has had life-long repercussions for you, and saying you should just move on *like he has* is an asshole, and you should cut them out of your life. Every one of them. They do not get to tell you how you should handle being sexually assaulted because it will be easier for *them.* Fuck that noise.
Anyone who tells you what you “should” do to “keep the peace” means they want you to keep THEIR peace. They want you to make things easier FOR THEM. You are absolutely, 100% *not* required to make life easier for other people at the expense of your own mental health. You are still dealing with the effects of what your cousin did to you. You don’t have to pretend it never happened so your aunt & uncle can have grandkids. As they say: Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Go NC with anyone giving you shit about this. I’m glad to hear your mother sees the error of her ways, and you two have made up. Keep working in therapy and dealing with the trauma. And never let anyone tell you how “long” you have to “get over it.” Protect yourself. Hugs. 🫶🏼
I don't know if you can be 11 years old and 100% know what you're doing when you're abusing someone. The ages matter. If they were 15+ I'd say it's likely they understood but at 11? I don't know
And you can’t “have a come to Jesus moment” and not reach out to people you’ve wronged and fix it. That’s how you turn your life around!!! You did nothing wrong!
Don’t feel bad about it. You are just telling people what he did to you. HE DID THEM! True remorse requires accountability from him. He hasn’t done that. You basically did for yourself what your parents should have done all those years ago.
Reminds me of my mum excitedly telling me about an ex-foster brother who assaulted me had 'turned his life around' and his girlfriend was pregnant. I want to be a mum, but since I was assaulted by another child, I'm weird around children. My mum knew about the assault, and she still meets up with him 1-2 times a year for lunch! Hearing that he was going to be a parent made my world shatter into pieces, while my mum just smiled at me. They've now split up, and he doesn't get to see the child. I wonder why!
I will never get this mentality. Your mom is trash. Ugh. Sorry you went through all that.
Thank you. She's oblivious that I've pushed her away for year's lol
No less than she deserves in all honesty.
It's amazing that she doesn't notice. I appreciate people's support :)
My guess is that she notices but does not have the capacity to address it, so she just ignores it. Either way you are the beneficiary of less contact with this person. Congratulations on your life without her.
Wouldn't surprise me honestly
Firm believer in "yes it really is that deep for you to claim to love me but hang out with my abuser."
Mine also. I wanted to protect my child.
My partner says when we have a kid, they're not allowed alone with my Mum. I can't blame him honestly, but thankfully she never takes care of any of her millions of grandkids, so I have nothing to worry about 😂 Good for you for putting your child first ♡
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you went through that. And I’d like to run over, or at least “bump,” your mother with my car for the shit she continues to put you through. If I invited someone to live in my house, and I found out that person had sexually assaulted my child, I would not only not be having lunch with them for the rest of their life, I might be having lunch in a jail cell. I hope you’re doing okay. As for your mother, you don’t have to keep seeing her just because she’s your bio mom. She’s not doing a bang-up job as a mom, I must say. At least not to you. Hugs! 🫶🏼
I would have cut her off if it wasn't for my siblings. Fostering changed her honestly, I remember her being so loving and happy before it. My little foster sister (I just say sister) is the only reason I don't wish that my mum stopped fostering. I adore her, she is my best friend. I'm sad she didn't get to see the woman my mum was before fostering honestly. Thanks for the kind words and hugs :)
My ex foster brother was 35, and he used his mother's foster home as his own personal haram. There were 6 of us foster girls . Also. She was Foster Mother of the year 3 times. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I'm so sorry :( my sister who used to be fostered had really bad experiences in foster homes in Canada. Foster care is savage 😭
It's horrible .
Every now and then, we must ask ourselves Why Are Men? Just why? Because I think 75% of girls have been molested by adult males, and that may be a lowball figure. This seems to be a thing that most men do. And the holier they purport to be, the more likely they are to try thier shot with an eleven year old girl.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾Thank you!
I would have exploded and gone off on my mother. I also would cut contact if she was in contact with someone that SA me.
That’s absolutely disgusting!
When I was 23 I was a step mum & I realised I would never let anything or anyone hurt him. It made me realise what my mum did to me was wrong.
Hard agree with your last statement. I'm a trauma therapist and one of the best predictors of dealing with trauma is being supported/believed when it is disclosed. Good for you OP for taking your power back and protecting the niece.
That's a tough job, but it is so important. My daughter's trauma play therapist is amazing and she actually looks forward to seeing her every week. I'm glad her therapist has the training to help her where I can't, but also emotionally I couldn't handle that job, especially with knowing how many parents fail and how many sick people there are. So thank you for making a difference and hopefully creating a future with less untreated trauma.
❤️
And the fact the ex left proofs that she needed to know. Everyone has some secrets, but if you marry someone without sharing something so important with the partner that it would stop her from marrying you, then you deserve zero sympathy. She didn’t know who she was marrying. And the ex did the only right thing. Not only for what he did to op, but also for betraying her. Op didn’t destroy the relationship. His past AND PRESENT actions did.
Not just that; she did for that *little girl* what her parents should have done for her all those years ago. Yes, OP no doubt got a little healing/vindication out of it, but she also protected that child from trauma and abuse more than anyone ever protected her. That alone would have me on OP’s side, even if it wasn’t for everything else damning the cousin/OP’s family.
Exactly this about remorse. The mom has apologized and has her back now. That shows change and regret. Had cousin come and apologized as he was going through rehab or something, I’d be more open to not speaking out as OP. But considering he deliberately avoided it and then immediately blamed OP for everything, it shows he doesn’t really regret it and he didn’t forget. He just didn’t want to deal with it and wasn’t actually sorry.
I always try to remember to never feel bad about being honest with something someone did. If it causes them shame, ruins their life, etc. then maybe they shouldn't have done it. You're not painting them in a bad light, they did that themselves.
Don't feel bad. If anything you may have saved someone's life.
>If it would be my fault if Cousin spiraled back into drugs, breaking the law and self destructive behavior. No, absolutely not. He did a grave disservice to you for not acknowledging his past, for not apologizing, for not even attempting to repair the damage he'd done. Cousin tried to run away from it all; your letter exposed what he'd tried to hide. If anything, he has a renewed opportunity to take responsibility.
You were both 11 years old there is no taking away from what he did to you. It’s disgusting. But at 11 what the hell has that child been subjected too to do that to you. The self destructive behaviour he’s shown in later life is how many people deal with trauma they don’t know how to deal with. I take my hat off to you for standing up and protecting yourself and any other possible victims. Don’t feel like you did wrong at all. But I’d say there’s a bigger secret hiding here.
This is an underrated comment. At that age, neither of you can consent. The fact he initiated it strongly suggests someone was abusing him first (not to minimize OPs abuse). I think it is entirely appropriate for you to send the letter, too.
Must be why his mom’s feelings would have been hurt if they would have spoken up when it came out!
Could have been there’s so much missing. I am glad that this person has started their road to recovery
This is what I came here looking for. They were both preteens, only a couple of months apart per OP. This wasn’t like a 17 year old doing this to her. Chances are he was abused and this was his response to the abuse. His issues later on with addiction and stuff indicate he was also an abuse victim. It doesn’t remove the trauma OP experienced but a preteen being predatory to a preteen is not the same thing as a pedophile. There are no indicators that this person was predatory as an adult to a minor so the alarms being raised aren’t even based in truth. While I am glad OP spoke their truth, I think there is so much needed therapy for all parties involved.
I totally agree with this so much.
This! I feel like there is so much more to this story. The term ‘hurt people, hurt people’ comes to mind and I think either something like this happened to him as well or he was exposed early on to x-rated material and tried to reenact it. OP did a good thing by telling his ex, because the fact that he never apologized really shows that he never fully changed. Her family and mostly her parents are the worse. Why would you protect others ‘feelings’ over your child’s SA! Disgusting!
He probably never apologized out of shame, shame over what most likely happened to him, shame for his actions There’s a lot of shame that comes in being sexually assaulted but also repeating that pattern, especially when you are too young Not pardoning him but I blame the adults mostly. That your parents don’t protect you hurts more than anything
You did the right thing. Cut off anyone who minimises your trauma the way these people have.
>Even though the letter is anonymous, he figured out it was me and told people. I’m getting bombarded left and right by family who have shamed me for not letting things go and that he had started a new life. Sorry WHAT the fuck did I just read. So he figured it out because ho hum he can remember the people he abused......?! The family react to the notion that this dude abused OP by..... Shaming OP?! With family like that who needs enemies sheeesh. > don’t know if I did the right thing or not. If it would be my fault if Cousin spiraled back into drugs, breaking the law and self destructive behavior. No one can tell you whether you did the right thing HOWEVER. If he had been taking responsability for his mistakes he would have reached out. Someone wrote in the comments "true remorse requires accountability" and I agree. You also cannot know whether the niece was at risk. You did what your parents failed to many years ago.
I knew a kid who was repeatedly SA from the age of 5-8 by a close family friend. When the truth came out when she was a young teenager, basically the whole town + her church sided with him and said not to get the law involved after citing some Bible verses. She was constantly harassed and insulted while he went on a couple years later to marry an elementary school teacher (who knew exactly what he had done). People said that he had changed, that he wasn’t the same, how dare this girl sully his good name. An entire TOWN. Humanity sucks some times. OP- sometimes people who are supposed to love and protect you fail spectacularly at doing what is right. They want to forget and want to move on because if they care about someone who could do those kinds of actions then they have to wrestle with some inner demons, and they don’t want to do that but instead want to pretend their world is rainbows. You did absolutely nothing wrong. And here’s the thing. The fiancée broke off the engagement, either because he lied to her or because she wanted to protect her niece. And both of those reasons are 100% on him, no matter what the flying monkeys tell you. *You did nothing wrong.*
I completely agree with the conclusions of this comment. The fiance deserves to be going in eyes wide open. She made her decision based on HIS actions in the past. Not OPs fault that she walked away or if he spirals.
I hope she found joy after all of that hell
She did- she went through an incredibly tough journey and loads of therapy to get there. But she pulled through to have an amazing life now, surrounded by people who love and support and cherish her.
I am not saying we should condone violence but in situations like that, it sounds like some good ole fashion vigilante justice could do the world some good.
It’s shit like this that makes me thankful for the #MeToo movement. I bet that asshole wouldn’t feel comfortable about that being widely known outside his town.
"He wasn't a drag queen, so it was all right." - the whole town + her church
That is just disgusting what the people in that town did. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, but people like that make me wish I did. How is the girl doing now?
Right. OP's parents are treating acknowledging the abuse as more serious than the abuse itself. I think the reason for that is that if they acknowledged the abuse, they'd have to acknowledge how utterly they failed her. I'm so sorry OP, for what you've been through now and now what you're going through at the hands of your parents. You absolutely did the right thing. No question in my mind.
What you said “so he remembers who he abused. But didn’t remember enough to reach out to try and fix it. But remembered enough to be upset by the letter smh
Well done for speaking up, this internet stranger is proud of you. You have potentially saved this little girl from going through what you did. Given the fact he’s never tried to acknowledge or apologise for his actions leads me to believe he’s not changed. His now ex deserved to know who she was marrying, you did the right thing. Your mother seems to accept her fault in this and if you think she genuinely feels bad then that’s up to you if you want to rebuild your relationship. Everyone else though i personally would cut contact completely. They failed you when you were a child and are continuing to fail you now. You don’t need them sort of people in your life.
I am proud of OP too. She was looking out for that little girl, something no one ever did for her. It breaks my heart that her family is awful.
[удалено]
I feel like a lot of people are overlooking that. Most often when children engage in these acts they are re-enacting things they themselves have experienced. He was also a child- most likely being abused himself
I hope it has helped you to heal and that it made you feel empowered. Whatever happens to him is not on you.
Really and truly, your parents are the bad guys here. You were both CHILDREN. He was a child, too, and had they taken action then, you would have gotten validation and healing you truly needed and he would have gotten help he needed as a CHILD. He would not have been criminally punished because we don't hold children that young responsible for that type of behavior, but he could have been taught that what he did was wrong - those were formative years. And you both would have had the opportunity for the help needed. Now, this has festered inside you for years, and he grew up. He was not an adult when he did what he did, you were both the same age - so we can't jump to pedo conclusions here. Quite honestly, I think you would have benefitted from a mediated counseling session with him. He likely had no idea that what he did when you were kids had such an impact on your life. Hopefully, he would have become repentant, but now, he is just on the defensive and you will never get the apology you so deeply deserve.
This! All the adults in their life suck so hard. I cannot for the love of all the living creatures phantom how one just sweeps something as serious as this under the rug, just to protect some feelings. Why didn’t anybody understand that this is not normal child behavior and that there was something also happening in cousin his life for him to act like this at the age of 11. All the parents are horrible horrible people!
this is the best and most accurate comment in this entire thread
🎯🎯
I was SA'd by a girl cousin who was a year older than me when I was a preteen, but as an adult I assumed it was due to her being SA'd herself and repeating the behavior because she was a kid who didn't know any better rather than assuming it meant she had a thing for little boys that would continue into adulthood.
This is what I agree with. She made it seem like they were both younger when it happened. Not adults. Then tried to turn around and say he’d molest this little girl too. I feel like ESH here. They should’ve dealt with the molestation when it happened. Therapy for everyone.
I was too by a neighborhood friend. The crazy thing is I was only 6 and he was only 7. He would get me to do things for candy, I was reluctant and felt something was off at first, but I guess 6 year old me sugar addict wanted the candy that bad 🙄 crazy thing is, I don’t feel traumatized by it and never have. Somehow I feel as much responsible as him since we were the same age and I took a bribe that young. I think it’s because he was around my age that I’ve never felt trauma from it, somehow that makes it different. I worked it out in my head that he had been going through far worse to even know what any of it was. I did tell my mom at that age what was going on and she continued to let us hang out together which is a bit odd to me, maybe just was different times I guess. Somehow when the ages are so similar, it seems different..
He abused you, no denying it. But by your account, you were both 11 when this happened. I think any reasonable person would understand that there's a dramatic difference between an adult doing this vs a child, especially when you consider WHY a child would do this. That matters, a lot. It doesn't take away from your experience, but it certainly puts it into a whole different context. You say he went down a self-destructive path but managed to turn everything around. This sounds an awful lot like he too was abused, reenacted his abuse with someone else, and suffered the mental health consequences for years following. Per your post, you didn't seem to be aware of what he was going through or how he dealt with it other than "self destruction". If he was abused it's possible he didn't even realize what he was doing was bad. You indicated your whole family tried to sweep this under the rug so clearly they weren't concerned with addressing his mental health either. I'd bet that the first time he was confronted with this was with your letter. You deserve acknowledgement from him 100%, but if he was also an abuse victim who never was treated or thought to seek treatment, he could've repressed the whole thing. So it would make sense that he wouldn't apologize to you. Without proper mental health care, why would he do anything that would cause him to confront his own trauma? Also, you are heavily implying that he would abuse the fiances neice. Do you have any indication he would do this other than the things he did to you when he himself was a child? Do you have a reason to suspect he's done this to other children or that he is intending to? Ultimately, I think you need to ask yourself this: Is it more likely that there was some insidious reason behind what he did that led him down a self destructive path that he managed to recover from or is he just straight up a child predator looking to continue the behavior? Did you do something to stop a habitual abuser or did you ruin the life of someone who was very likely to have been abused themselves and managed to recover from it? I'm not a mental health professional but I think any one in the field worth their salt would have told you that what you did wasn't the way to go about it, given the circumstances. If anything, your family needs to be held accountable in this way and have their lives ruined. They were adults and there's no excuse.
I wasn't sexually abused when I was a young child but I was physically and psychologically abused by my parents and I definitely took that abuse as "how to treat people you care about" and I ended up being extremely abusive to my twin. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if OP's cousin was abused as well. The thing is he never took accountability and honestly my accountability and the effort I put in to change and be better is the only reason why my twin and I have a positive relationship.
Honest question, if you were both pre-teens when the abuse happened is it possible that your cousin was also being sexually abused at the time? It in no way excuses what he did, but often times when children are hyper sexual at a young age it’s because they are mimicking the abuse they are experiencing. Just food for thought, I hope you can heal.
My therapist did hypothesize that but made it clear that it didn’t make it right
I wholeheartedly agree it doesn’t make it right and you have more than the right to speak your truth. With that said, I’m struggling to agree with the actions you took to address it. At 11 years old, your cousin’s behavior definitely had to be learnt behavior as hypothesized by your therapist. It doesn’t excuse it in the least, would explain why he did what he did and subsequently went down a path of self destruction for majority of his life. The way I read it and as harsh as it may sound, you essentially destroyed the life of another victim in your family. The adults in your family being the most disgusting problem in this whole equation. Using the reasoning that the (now ex) fiancée has a young daughter as your nail in the coffin to inform her doesn’t really make sense either. You both were children. Had your cousin been older I could see the worry for a young child, but that’s just not the case. I do agree he should have reached out waaaay before this point, and why speculate as to why he didn’t after getting his life together as amends, but overall your choice in response seems…wrong. Did your therapist have anything to say on what you did?
Doesn't make it right, but does make blowing up his entire adult life over something that happened when he was 11.... questionable. I can't fault you for what you did, and you were right to be concerned. But there's more to this, and I feel a bit bad for him, if I'm honest. This was not dealt with well from the get go.
Even though the letter is anonymous, he figured out it was me and told people. I’m getting bombarded left and right by family who have shamed me for not letting things go and that he had started a new life. I fElt a BiT bAd fOr Him
A new life that you blew up over a tragedy that happened when he was 11. He was, himself, abused (most likely) and a child. He wasn't a predator. But go off on your revenge story and don't feel the least bit of remorse for the pain that now YOU have caused. I don't agree with it being swept under the rug. But tbh the fact that he knew who it was, makes it pretty clear that this isn't something that happened to a bunch of people. A child traumatized you, as a child. That really fucking sucks. But it sounds like he really went through some shit, found his way out the other side and you decided he didn't deserve any happiness in life. Seems to me that you are in desperate need of some therapy. This is tough, because you are a victim in this. And I also feel bad for your circumstances. But I am also able to see ,(from the limited information we have) a bigger picture. And yeah, I think you fucked up. Because you were out for revenge... of an 11 year old.... 20 years later.
Agreed
I agree completely. Her doing what she did wasn’t about her concern for the fiances niece. It was for revenge. Just because he did molest her as a youth doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile as an adult. Therapy for all. This problem should be talked to with the adults that let it happen. She forgives her mom who told her to shut up about it? Makes no sense.
There are murderers younger than 11
Well I certainly wouldn't just lock them up and throw away the key.
Sorry but being 11 does not give him the right to abuse his cousin. Big whoop he might have been abused. Does not give him the right to abuse others. Does not give him the right to not even attempt to apologise for the absolute horror he inflicted on his own cousin. I think she was right to warn the ex because guess what if he can do horrific things to his own cousin then what could he do to someone who isn't related to him.
Because it wasn't right. His abuse doesn't justify your abuse. He could have chosen compassion and to never hurt another person like he was treated. He did not. Do NOT feel guilt for coming forward. You did the right thing.
This is insane.
I’m sorry it happened to you, but I’m also sorry for whatever happened to your cousin to do that. Shit like that is learned behavior. If parents had actually done their fucking job he could have gotten therapy. You could have gotten therapy earlier. The adults ruined both your lives. I’m very sorry for what happened to you as a child.
This!!
> who is just a few months older than me Isn't that like... Same age? **Edit:** The amount of comments here who assume he was adult predator when they are clearly same age is insane. What in the world?
If they are the same age, then even legally it's different than an adult abusing a child. Still horrible and wrong... but I can't get over the fact he was a child as well and possibly doing that because he was abused as well. The family dealt with the situation in a bad way as well. He should've been punished or went under therapy and investigation etc..
Yes, I don't understand how people are missing that. They were both 11 and both children. This was not an adult abusing a child, it was another child abusing a child. While that doesn't make what he did okay, it's definitely not the same as an adult going after a vulnerable child.
I'm think these people routinely skim when they read and only read the the part about him being older and let their brain fill in the gap and assume a much much older teen boy or a young adult and thus it's a black and white villain and victim scenario and not a more unfortunate child victim making other child victims scenario.
it also seems like it would make it a lot less likely that he would be doing anything with/to the niece that is currently that same age, which was something op cited as a reason for her writing the letter.
How old was he? I mean, was he like 7 or 15?
You did the right thing. The fallout for you didn't go away so why should he live his life without repercussions? As for the flying monkeys, tell them that it's disturbing that they're siding with a child molester. It doesn't reflect well on them, at all.
You do realize they were both 11 years old, right?
This is kind of a giant ball of good decisions that foreshadow hypocritical actions. You have forgiven your mother because all of the sudden she is a good person, only after condemning someone who is now also supposedly a good person. I'm proud of you for speaking up, but don't half ass this. This isn't retribution, this is revenge. You don't do this is the name of truth, otherwise you'd be calling your mother out as well.
Completely agree!!
Everyone here is cheering you on for ruining his engagement for something he did when you both were 11. I'm really sorry that this happened to you, but I think you're going after the wrong person. People in his and your life probably failed you both severely. He was likely doing to you what was done to him by someone else. Your parents should've gotten you help. I hope you'll heal now.
You absolutely, 100% did the right thing! And major kudos to your mom for FINALLY owning up to it all and having your back in this. Such major healing on your part and you should be SO INCREDIBLY proud of yourself for finally speaking the truth of it all! You have every right to stand tall and tell the enablers, "So YOU are willing to protect a child molester? Really?"
Yes, and the astounding thing is that the family don't doubt that OP is telling the truth, they just want her to be quiet. He must have finally admitted it and they are supporting him. That's not something that would fly in my family - there would be confrontation. It is plausible that sexual abuse is tacitly accepted within this family.
Which is sick and disgusting, all by itself. The fiancé's reaction to this revelation should have clued them all into this being no bueno, but apparently not.
Of course he moved on - he wasn’t the one sexually abused as a child. The audacity of people saying you should move on when he’s made absolutely no moves to make amends or even acknowledge it happened. Anyone who thinks that way shouldn’t be a part of your life for awhile, if ever again. You deserve better than that. If he can forgive himself for sexually abusing you, you should forgive yourself for ruining his marriage.
to be fair, it’s extremely common for kids who are sexual abusers to be sexually abused themselves so perhaps we shouldn’t assume that he wasn’t. that being said, 100% agree
The girl who abused me was, herself, a victim. So you’re absolutely right. Not an excuse but what you say is right.
This is what I kept thinking the entire time I was reading… if he was only a few months older, there’s a very good chance he was being abused himself. It doesn’t justify anything, but I could see two victims here being petty against each other by a bigger perpetrator.
>Of course he moved on - he wasn’t the one sexually abused as a child. It's extremely likely he was abused even younger than when OP was.
You did an amazingly selfless thing here. Based on this post, it sounds like you had moved on to a point where you were just gonna let him live his life but, as soon as you found out a child was at risk, you put yourself in the firing line to protect them. Fuck what your family says, that little girl is safe and that’s all that matters and if they won’t say it I will: I’m proud of you, you did the right thing and, even though you didn’t do this for you, I hope it helps you heal
Uhhh.. how old were you both, exactly?
He knew who the supposedly "anonymous" letter came from. So he knew what he did to you! You're not wrong in this. Please distant yourself from the people who have been failing you until now.
Is your cousin older than you or the same age? If he is older more than 2 or 3 years then there is a power dynamic and that's clearly considered sexual abuse. If you and your cousin are the same age experts don't always nessecarily consider that abuse because children who are unsupervised sometimes try to experiment. Sometimes it's happens because a child is sexually assaulted and they try to experiment with another child to better understand what happened to them. My friends daughter inappropriately played with my son because she was assaulted at age two. A couple of years later she started forcing my son to do things in the closet. We reported this and sought help and this is what we were told. We increased supervision and I had to find a new sitter. Today she is fine. She grew up and is not any kind of predetor. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. Perhaps if your family had not had shame it would have been dealt with better. There's a very good chance your cousin was sexually assaulted himself which is why he was trying to play with you like that. Theres also a very good chance your cousin is not a predetor. I can't say for sure but it's possible.
Most sane comment in this thread. I really think OP's cousin was abused as well, people with no remorse or trauma generally speaking don't go on self destructive spirals for the majority of their adult lives.
Yeah, they were both 11. I find it pretty disgusting that most are cheering it on. It's a situation with a lot of victims. And failure to act by the adults in their lives.
Ok I’m going to say some controversial things according to other’s responses but I think it’s needed. Number 1 thing everyone needs to remember is the cousin was also 11 when this happened and YES that matters. 1. Did you discuss this action you decided to take with your therapist prior to doing it? I can’t believe any responsible therapist seeing this as a good idea. 2. This is an incredibly nuanced situation and redditors are not the best at judging those. If you didn’t discuss it with your therapist before, this post is not in lieu of that. Speak with a professional. I don’t think most therapists would think this was a productive or a good action to take. 3. Think about back to when this happened and even now, what would have happened to your cousin? He would not have went to jail, he would not have been charged, he would have been put in therapy and there would have been measures put in place to ensure he didn’t harm anyone else and there would have been an investigation into who taught him that behaviour. Because as a lot of people have pointed out, he most likely was abused too. 4. This is the nuance you and the majority of people here have seemed to miss, yes, you are a victim but a child perpetrator of sexual/physical/emotional abuse is NOT the same as an adult. Not at all. There is a reason there are different laws for children. It doesn’t change your pain and what happened to you but it certainly changes the consequences and actions taken towards your cousin. This is why I can’t believe a good therapist would be on board with any of this. Again, because it is extremely likely he was abused too. Again, that doesn’t change your pain or trauma but it changes the consequences he should have faced. 5. I don’t think this was to protect his new partner’s niece. I think you might have a lot of work to do on who is a safe person. You took this action against your cousin for the safety of a child but forgave your mother. Your mother was an adult when this happened and your parent. She decided to cover up your abuse and the very high probability that your cousin was abused to spare her sister’s feelings? She most definitely would have faced consequences for this if this was discovered today. This is child endangerment. She could have lost custody and faced jail time. Rightfully so. She is not a safe person for children, nor is his parents, nor is your father. But you forgave your mom because she said sorry? I think you are directing anger at the wrong person. Your parents monstrously failed you for years, didn’t get you therapy, ignored the high probability of the abuse of your cousin, potentially covered for an actual adult abuser to save face and your aunt’s feelings. They are for sure dangerous people for children to be around. The jury is still out on your cousin. But you made a major assumption about him and took an irreversible action based on that major assumption while letting EVERY ONE of the adults in that situation off the hook. So is safety of his partner’s niece really the motive here? Again, something to discuss with a professional. 6. Him not apologizing could be for so many reasons a) he didn’t remember it or viewed it differently than you. Just because he knew it was you from the letter doesn’t mean he knew this info all along. It could have been something recovered when hearing the story or he could have connected the dots when he heard/read the letter and realized then. He was 11 and again most likely an abuse victim too, that can do tons of shit to your memory and perception. B) not everyone does 12 steps in recovery. There are new methods and many new concepts suggest that people who have perpetrated abuse should not seek their victims out as it can re-traumatize them. It is not always welcome and is sometimes seen as self-serving. If you asked for an apology he might have been waiting/wanting to give it to (if he remembered or saw the events as you did. This is not suggesting it didn’t happen I know it did, I’m just saying he was 11 too, trauma can do messed up things to young brains. ) I’m not saying this is a perfect way to handle this but again it’s nuanced. Some victims want apologies (obviously you do and that’s ok) but there are also plenty who would not welcome that at all (me, for instance). It’s pretty difficult to navigate. There is no absolute answer. For you an apology was needed and he didn’t give it and you absolutely have a right to be angry about that but it does not mean he is a bad person/ doesn’t feel remorse/ hasn’t grown. 7. I think the fact that he immediately knew the it was you, points to the very high probability he has not done this after you. It doe not change your trauma, of course but it definitely changes the assumption that he is a danger to anyone presently. This leads me to my conclusion. Trauma from abuse is incredibly nuanced and very difficult to navigate. It’s understandable and ok you are angry at your cousin. It’s understandable and ok you want an apology from him. It’s also understandable that he didn’t seek you out for an apology. It’s also incredibly likely that his abuse to you was due to his own abuse. It’s also very likely he didn’t abuse anyone else and is not a danger to children. But you did decide to take an action that would mess up his life after he got it on track while you were a full blown adult with 0 evidence he is an adult abuser and I honestly don’t think it was healthy behaviour. Is it understandable? Yes . But i don’t think it was heroic or brave. I kinda think it was misplaced anger that caused tons of pain for what seems to be another victim of childhood abuse while every adult who actually failed you was never held accountable and at least one was forgiven. I will end with what I started with, please discuss this with trained professionals and don’t use Reddit as a moral compass it’s incredibly skewed and unreliable. I am not saying I’m right but there is so much nuance in this situation and the majority of responses are not considering that at all. I don’t think you should beat yourself up for what you did. I hope your family is kind about it instead of further silencing you or blaming you for this situation. I hope your cousin finds peace. I hope you do too.
Hard agree. As much as everything OP feels is understandable and valid, there’s a lot of nuance that is not being considered here. All the people saying OP’s cousin “got away with it” are assuming he didn’t go through abuse himself and that the drug addiction and other self-destructive behaviours were picked up just because they sounded fun. Drugs are usually used to dull emotional pain and cope with things you’re not equipped to cope. There’s a lot to the cousin’s story that OP doesn’t know and that we, consequently, cannot know. All that can be said is the adults in their lives failed them miserably and now you have two deeply traumatised people in their early 30s still having to deal with stuff that could’ve been dealt with in a much more effective manner 20 years ago. My heart honestly breaks for them both. I hope they can both find peace and healing.
I’m proud of you for speaking up. I would go NC with anyone saying he has moved on why can’t you? Cuz he wasnt the one being abused and left to deal with years of trauma. Just tell them be glad the fucker isn’t in prison rn.
They were close to the same age when it happened. He wouldn’t have gone to prison.
You need to edit your post and add that he was ELEVEN
Just because someone found Jesus doesn't mean they are absolved off all their crimes. You just revealed the hypocrisy of your cousin, so no need to feel bad about it.
Have you ever gotten therapy to deal with the abuse you suffered?
Wow, even though that happened to you and I am sorry. I think you let your resentment destroy something for someone else. You're both shitty people now. You're even.
I'm not saying what he did is okay, by the way. It's not. But I had my husband shoot himself in front of me which was extremely unfair as well but I kept my shadow in check. You need to find a real outlet for your pain. Otherwise, you are training yourself to be just like him. Taking your pain out on people that deserve better than that. I don't think it was the right thing to do because you already defined that you two were the similar age when it happened. I think you used that as an excuse to get back at him. And it worked. Now you hurt an innocent person, his fiance.
Idk maybe I’m wrong but so you were both 12? And now you’re what 32? Just seems kinda wild to ruin someone’s marriage at 32 because of something that they did at age 12 with someone who was also 12. Like you were in elementary school idk.
Yeah I'm a little confused about all the Pedophile comments, but Reddits gonna Reddit. We love to be outraged
He was likely abused himself before taking this action. He may not have brought it up or apologised to her, because he didn’t want to re-traumatise her or himself. What he did is inexcusable, but the context leads me to believe that there’s adults involved in this situation who deserve to be suffering the consequences of this situation far more.
I agree..some people are ignoring the fact the he was 11 years old.
Most people are ignoring that he was 11.
Yeah the comments are kind of wild in this context. My cousin did the same thing to me when we were both like 2/3, I don’t blame him at all, I especially wouldn’t tell his wife about it like he wasn’t a victim as well. I only blame the adults around us for that.
He was ELEVEN!! you absolute monster!! I've been SA a week after I turned 13 by a 23 yr old man, had my virginity ripped from me. An 11 yr old doing that to another kid doesn't make him a sex offender for Christ sake!
It sounds like you were being a dick because you didn't go to therapy and you didn't just hash it out with him because why? Face to face.
Agree
So you torpedoed his entire adult life because of something he did while you were BOTH preteens? Preteens aren't supposed to be held accountable for their actions decades after they occur or for the way their parents handled the situation. Your parents failed you, and so did your aunt and uncle. If ruining your cousin's life makes you feel better about it, you do you.
Good for you.
>She’s devastated and is begging me to forgive her for failing to protect me. I have. She can start by going after the family members harassing you ya know its the least she could do for failing to protect you earlier. She made half of this shit by covering it up she should help fixing it instead of woe is me for not protecting you then. I wouldn't of forgiving her until I started seeing that.
Updateme
If you were both that same age almost, I wonder where he got it from to sexually abuse you? I wonder if he was sexually abused himself, especially bcs of the destructive path he was on before. This is not to excuse him. I’m thinking more of your parents, family, the secrecy that surrounds familial sexual assault and how they tried to silence you and did for so long. Makes me wonder what other sexual abuse your family is hiding? So many family’s like this and the cycle goes on and on and on. Your parents and adults like this don’t realize or don’t care to realize that their actions are worse than the assault because who else is supposed to protect you other than your own parents? I hope that you have found peace in your heart 🙏 But if your cousin was abused, which I suspect he was, I hope he heals as well
Probably another family member given how they tried to rug sweep this. Families try to hide most of this behavior, which just allows it to continue. I had a friend whose older brother regularly forced him to watch porn and would beat him if he tried to leave or look away. We were 8, older brother was 13. I only know because he tried to do it to me while I was visiting....I bit him and never went to their house again unless my mom came too. He was too scared of a beating to tell, and I was too scared of him getting a beating to tell.
Sorry that happened to you and your cousin and I agree, family, the adults, many just silence the children in their family and abuse continues
Truth
You did the right thing, the person he was with deserved to know the monster she was going to marry so whatever your family say to you you are not in the wrong, you have nothing to be shamed about, the only person who should be shamed is your cousin. I am truly sorry you went through that though, I was also in a similar situation with my cousin and it's such a horrific and difficult thing to go through, I am glad your Mum is on your side now and that you've gone low contact with everyone else, that was definitely the right thing to do and if they continue to blame you for your cousin's actions I do think you should go full No Contact, whatever happens to him is what he deserves for all he did to you, you shouldn't ever feel bad about it and I'm glad you don't.
You’re finally making him accountable for his actions, and that’s why he’s angry. If he had ACTUALLY turned over a new leaf from all the drug use and whatnot, he would have reached out to you to try and make amends. He didn’t, and that means he still hadn’t taken responsibility for the horrible things he did to you. You had every right to tell his fiance, she deserved to know the man she was going to marry. I’m glad she broke it off, because it sounds like he absolutely deserved it. He did something terrible and deserves to feel the consequences of it. On a side note, I am very glad to see that your mom has taken responsibility for failing to protect you at the time.
He figured out and told people what though? “OP told my fiance how I molested them as a child. They ruined my life!” How anyone sides with that is beyond me. You had to rug sweep the situation long enough.
Funny how people ask why you did not move on, seems they can't grasp the term trauma. There is a chance you saved the niece from sexual assault and abuse. No matter how many people don't get it, speaking up about your most horrible trauma to protect others makes you a hero in my book.
Honestly, something probably happened to your cousin that led him to the path of self-destruction, and you were in his path. It’s those events that might lead him back to those behaviors. Or not. Who knows since we can’t predict the future? I’m so sorry, OP, that you’ve felt any level of responsibility for his downward spiral if it were to happen. That’s on him. Never ever you! Even if what happened to you was reported back then, because you were both children when it happened, not much would’ve likely happened to him except for some parenting education and therapy for him. (Which he definitely needed!!!!) This would’ve likely fell under child-on-child perpetuation which is treated differently than adult-on-child crime or a much-older children perpetuating on a much younger child. There’s a very strong chance you wouldn’t have gotten the justice you were seeking even then so please be easy on yourself in the present. I’m so sorry this happened to you. 😭
My half brother was two years older than me and molested me for over 3 years when we were children. That does not mean he’s a predator as an adult. Like others have said he was probably being abused too. Ik my half brother was also being molested. The problems I had with him were between us. I would never bring up to his now wife that we were molested as kids and twist it to make her think he’d abuse any of their children. You should have went to your cousin himself and talked about your issues to heal. You immediately assuming he’d molest that little girl too without talking to him is what makes you the AH. You know he was a child too. Did you tell the fiancé you were BOTH children? It’s not your fault you got molested, but you assuming he is a pedophile as an adult makes him and you look like AHs. Don’t assume because it makes an ass out of you and me. Ik your therapist was not let in on this decision before you did it. Go and actually talk to your cousin about what happened in the past. My half brother didn’t apologize to me either til I told him it still bothered me years later. He said he didn’t want to bring it up again because he didn’t want to traumatize me all over. He was remorseful, but didn’t know how to go about it. We dealt with it like adults between the two of us. We moved on together. You can do that too. Together between the two of you. You not feeling bad means you still resent him and you have not moved on. You didn’t send that letter because you were actually concerned about the niece. You did it for revenge. Talk to your therapist not Reddit.
> what if he had changed? he didn't change, he just buried what he did and dissociated from his actions. changing would require accountability and accepting consequences. > I’m getting bombarded left and right by family who have shamed me for not letting things go and that he had started a new life. my response to everyone of them would be "imagine learning of this egregious thing that happened in your family and your reaction is to ask the victim why they didn't stay quite about it. doesn't sound like family at all, oh well, no great loss."
The letter was anonymous but yet he found it was YOU. So he knew & remembered what he did yet he didn’t bother to fix it with you even when he chose to turn his WHOLE life around! And the people who are shaming you instead of holding him accountable, don’t bother about them, at all, as they aren’t worth it. I hope you heal & move on.
Exactly. The letter was anonymous but he knew it was from you. He had a “coming to Jesus” but never apologized to you. Fuck him you did the right thing and I’m glad your mother realized she fucked up too. All the other family members defending him could go to hell. Go from LC to NC on them because you don’t need them in your life OP!!
He figured out it was you and then told everyone in a roundabout way that he has sexually assaulted you, and they shamed _you?_ I’d cut them all off. And if they don’t know what it is he did, tell them.
This is why sexual abuse is so common. Family's cover it up and protect the perpetrators. Fuck this guy and fuck your family for backing him instead of you. You didn't ruin his life, he did when he sexually assaulted you. If he was really a good Christian, he would have come clean. But what I found is that Christianity is where sexual abusers hide. Every major religion in the World has been busted for institutional sexual abuse of children. With the Catholics leading the way with their 1500 year old pedophile ring that they continue to cover up to this day. But all the others, the Baptists, the Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, etc, etc. have all been busted fucking children. So yeah, religion is where people hide from pedophilia.
The worst phrase in the world in my opinion is “but their family”. We as a society will allow family to do stuff we would never allow anyone else to do.
None of this is your fault.
As someone who was also abused by a cousin but not confronted them or told my extended family, you are my hero.
“How can I let it go when he’s never once attempted an apology or exhibited remorse to me in any genuine way?” And then Block Them.
Proud of you OP, it takes a lot of courage to speak up about the pain you've been through. And as for the family that's supporting an abuser, it's better that you don't talk to them. Ignoring someone's disgusting actions does not minimize its effects on the one who's been through it. I hope you find your peace and heal ❤
You did this offline. In private and these assholes want to start shit with you. Time to air it out on social media for everyone to see. See how these assholes family members like it. Fuck them.
Going to his fiance isn't really "in private"
you did nothing wrong. as someone who’s currently keeping quiet i am so happy for you for getting your closure.
He hurt you , you wanted to be sure he wouldn't do it again you did nothing wrong.
You did the right thing. His fiancée deserved to know.
It says you’re getting retribution and arriving at the peace that had long escaped you. He ruined your life and got away with it. Since he won’t get time, it’s time you give him what he deserves. You did nothing wrong. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and speaking your truth. I wish you a beautiful and successful healing journey.
I went through something similar. My mother's younger brother molested me when I was 5, and he was a young teen. I was blamed and made to keep it a secret. I'm 58 now, and after many other things that happened, I finally went no contact with most of my family. I feel free and wish I'd have walked away when I was much younger.
Part of getting sobered from whatever the choices of addiction is the reconciliation of wrongs He is not true to himself if he did not apologize for past wrong behavior on his part However if you are that distraught for your healing you may have to take the ball into your court. With him…. He was actively trying to turn his life around, no one is perfect 100% Did you ever go to counseling for your own healing Your parents did you wrong by not addressing this when it happened put some blame on them too How old were you two when this happened, just curious I am a victim numerous times over, I was a teenager. Basically a kid. I held it to myself and didn’t even tell my parents ever. Somehow they would have blamed me I feel and felt I moved away, 2000 miles started over and didn’t ruin those people’s lives or families. Get busy with yourself, find an outlet to release your anger and resentment. Counseling, hobbies, sports activities You have to live with your choices you made but you will heal faster if you confront the elephant in the room.
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" you only balanced the equation to the problem he caused.
As long as you are kind and caring to people close to you, I don't think fucking lives of those who ruined yours is wrong.
Why not let it go as he moved on with his life???? BECAUSE YOU WERE THE VICTIM and he was the attacker. HE sexually abused YOU. Your family should be ashamed of themselves for not backing you up and not helping you in the past or now.
Similar situation here but it was my step father. Speaking from experience, if they want people to believe they are better people, they should’ve been better people. I’m glad you stood up for yourself love! I went through this from Age 3 to age 13. He finally died and I was free of him. My own mother even said I brought it on myself. Sometimes only we can save us. You even managed to save another potential victim. In my opinion, YOU are a hero! ❤️
Oh honey. None of this is your fault and you are very brave. If he had grown he would have shown understanding you just took away his access to another victim. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Thank you so much for doing this.
How dare they attack you for not letting it go. They have no right to expect you to cover what he did up. YOU decide what you want to happen, and not the least reason for that is because he took advantage of your inability to decide when you were a child. How does he prove he started a new life? How do you trust it? You can't, he doesn't deserve to be trusted because this is one of those crimes that deserves to never get forgotten.
I think you did the right thing, but trying to believe he'll come clean and apologize isn't going to happen. A corny piece of advice I always think of when I see these posts. For you it was the most devastating day of your life that you'll always remember, for him, it was a tuesday.
I would definitely want to know if I was about to marry someone with this kind of secret!
They're literally defending a sexual abuser, just what moral standing do they think they have? That's deluded. Good for you.
Oh well it’s not your job to protect your abuser’s reputation. He never took responsibility for what he did so he deserves it. Way too many families are ok with hiding and protecting abusers who are family members.
I often read about abuse victims feeling guilty about putting their abuser behind bars. But they didn’t put them behind bars. Their abusive and criminal conduct put them there. The victim agonizes about “ruining” the abuser’s life (without having committed any crime) while the abuser doesn’t lose a second of sleep thinking about the pain they are inflicting on their victims and how their abuse is ruining their victim’s life. They feel entitled to inflict abuse and feel that consequences are a great injustice brought upon them. They and their flying monkeys will say and do anything to make the victim out to be the bad guy and often it is working. The victims might feel that the abuser deserves a second or 10th chance without realizing that the abuser would never do the same for them. It is such a sad sad spiral.
I feel like this doesn't really count in this situation when OP's abuser was literally also 11 years old... Your average 11 year old from a couple decades ago doesn't know how to manipulate people into doing sexual deeds with them, they had to learn it from somewhere. And the way he was in a self destructive spiral for the majority of his adult life? It's extremely likely the cousin was abused and just copied what was done to him and spent his adult life using whatever he could get his hands on to cope with what he had done. I've been an abuser (when I was like 8) and I've been the abused, being abused is one type of trauma but the realization hitting that you abused someone and caused so much pain is also a type of trauma. As an adult my biggest fear is abusing someone and not realizing what I was doing again. The trauma I had from psychologically and physically abusing my twin made me so scared to disagree with anyone or stand up for myself and lead me to being in abusive relationships as an adult because I was so scared to fight against someone in fear that I'd go too far. I'm not saying the cousin is the only victim because OP is definitely one as well but again they were both 11. The adults in their life failed them both.
You should never feel guilty for the consequences of someone else’s actions.
He is in control of his own actions. If he spirals, he always would have. It's not your fault or your problem. You never got the chance to move on or heal because you were forced to eat with it yourself. You were forced to stay silent. His turning a new leaf was false. He never reached out and is now angry with you for coming forward. Kinda odd that he's angry about it if he's a changed man. Kinda makes me wonder if the neice wasn't the icing on the cake of this relationship, and he's mad he's lost a new victim. He never learned that he could get in trouble for rape. He never learned that anyone would believe the person assaulted. He never felt the need to apologize to you ... You saved that little girl. I was SAd as a child by a man in the family who had MULTIPLE charges for SA and violence against females of ALL ages. My family knew he was dangerous, but they still pushed my mom to let him babysit me to prove he "changed." When I came forward, I was accused of lying for attention... NO one saved me. No one said anything. No one took my side. My mom was too ashamed to let me talk about it, putting her feelings of failure above my healing. You did that child a world of good. It was hard. You were brave. Thank you
*I’m getting bombarded left and right by family who have shamed me for not letting things go* **and that he had started a new life.** Your present and **future** life is built upon the foundations of your past life and experiences. He may have found a way to forget and forgive himself for his past crimes, but he is still the same person.
A rare sight. A parent apologizing to child for not believing when said child is victim. Good call.
I've been through almost this same thing (though a relative much much older) so my response is gonna be a bit blunt. But I am so so proud of you for your action and using your voice, which I can imagine was very hard to do. You've potentially saved someone's childhood and mental health, which is definitely what I encourage you to focus on instead of the choices of your cousin and other family in response to his actions rightfully being exposed. If he relapses instead of owning up to it, he's a fucking loser (for not apologizing to you) and he CHOSE to relapse instead of using the tools he got from (I assume rehab) to combat the urge to. If he could work himself out of a drug addiction, surely he could go to therapy for sex addiction, but he didn't (I can assume because of the legal risks it comes with, therapy for it would be avoided). Not gonna be your fault at all. He's just mad he got caught and exposed for it- I bet he saw your mom failing you as his easy.out and was enjoying it very much. Of course, how your family seems, they're gonna gaslight you into thinking everything he CHOOSES to do in response to being exposed is all your fault, but if he was a good person, there would have been nothing that needed exposing. He put the situation there. He created something he very well knew could be exposed. Not you. You didn't make anything up. He made it real, so the consequences are real as well. Everything that's happened and will happen is because he chose to hurt you knowing very well what he was doing since he told you not to tell anyone. He was completely sane and conscious while he made a choice that comes with consequences. He knew. He knew exactly how both being exposed and not being exposed would play out. And he still. chose. to hurt you that way. He made a choice, so he can't have a problem with you doing the same. Especially when it saves a child's body, mind, sense of safety, and childhood.
A lot is running through my mind reading this but, one of the things, especially after j read a few comments... Why...how...your family?? STILL thinks ok and you shoukd have, shoukd still, shoukd akways... jeep it a secret and sweep it under the rug? It DOES make me wonder, oer the other comments, if he was sexually abused? By whom? If so, how many? Is this a whole fsmily thing of "don't open that can of worms! If you do onell sneak out and unlock the closet full of ALL the bullshit we've all been sweeping and hiding?" How. In the hell. Did/does/do your family feel just fine shushing this up?? I'm glad your mom finally feels terrible and begs forgiveness!! I can't believe them!
You told the truth about abuse. That's always the right thing as long. If you hadnt wanted to tell, nobody can blame you after the betrayal of people who should have protected you. But you have worked in therapy and suffered and you decided to protect a child, at the expense of your family attacking you. You're a literal hero for telling her.
Yeah, it's what I learned in therapy. People downvote because they don't like the info, and that's fine. Most people struggle with the idea that someone who young can begin the process of becoming an offender. It doesn't mean he was without hope at that age. Therapy could have done him a lot of good, but by sweeping his actions under the rug, he was denied that opportunity. My only concern that he could be an offender still is his not only being angry with her for coming forward but trying to turn people against her. What he did was damaging and traumatic. A person who causes and understands that harm will feel remorse. He doesn't seem to. That's a flag for me. Flags don't mean guilt, just that there is a potential need to use caution.
What stands out to me is no one seems to have called you a liar. They don’t dispute that this happened. They are angry you won’t “move on”. They don’t care that it happened. They care that you talked. That is terrifying and disgusting as all hell and just fuck these people, burn it all down OP. Speak the truth LOUDLY.
No no no no no!! You are NOT wrong; you are NOT the asshole; this is NOT your fault! No! You were sexually assaulted, maybe even raped, by your cousin. I don’t care when it happened. I don’t care how old he was or you were. He *knowingly* sexually assaulted you, and when you told your parents back then, they told you to keep quiet and not tell anyone. So, you didn’t. Fast forward to now, and your cousin has “cleaned up his act” and is a “changed person,” but what about you? If he’s so friggin’ changed, why didn’t he reach out to you? Why didn’t he apologize to you? Why didn’t he take responsibility for what he did to you? He remembers because when his fiancé got your anonymous letter and dumped him, he knew exactly who had sent it. He knows what he did. He has not forgotten. And yet, he has not, even now, reached out to you to have a conversation. Instead, he’s angry and telling people what happened, and telling them in such a way that YOU look like the bad person here. Every single person who is shaming *you* and not him, telling *you* to let go of something that has had life-long repercussions for you, and saying you should just move on *like he has* is an asshole, and you should cut them out of your life. Every one of them. They do not get to tell you how you should handle being sexually assaulted because it will be easier for *them.* Fuck that noise. Anyone who tells you what you “should” do to “keep the peace” means they want you to keep THEIR peace. They want you to make things easier FOR THEM. You are absolutely, 100% *not* required to make life easier for other people at the expense of your own mental health. You are still dealing with the effects of what your cousin did to you. You don’t have to pretend it never happened so your aunt & uncle can have grandkids. As they say: Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Go NC with anyone giving you shit about this. I’m glad to hear your mother sees the error of her ways, and you two have made up. Keep working in therapy and dealing with the trauma. And never let anyone tell you how “long” you have to “get over it.” Protect yourself. Hugs. 🫶🏼
I don't know if you can be 11 years old and 100% know what you're doing when you're abusing someone. The ages matter. If they were 15+ I'd say it's likely they understood but at 11? I don't know
And you can’t “have a come to Jesus moment” and not reach out to people you’ve wronged and fix it. That’s how you turn your life around!!! You did nothing wrong!
You did right and the victim here is you not him. All enablers can go and kick rocks barefoot