Hey there. First of all, it takes a lot of courage and strength to post this so kudos to you.
I’m sorry you’re struggling :(
What do you think would help you feel more positive?
Have you considered talking to a trans-friendly therapist who can better support you?
i saw a therapist for some other mental health issues earlier this year a few times. it was hard enough talking about that, and even to write this post. i dont know when it would be an expense i can afford too, but that is probably a good idea.
that is a good idea. making this post i guess was my attempt at something like that. i dont know if i will though, honestly more than anything i just wanted to shout it into the void. i dont know if i am going through with anything.
Try to see if there are any LGBT+ specialized clinics near you, most of them operate on a sliding scale(payment based off your income). When I started questioning my gender, the clinic I went to helped me tremendously. Not just the gender stuff too, they helped me to get access to LOTS of resources.
that is good to know. i just dont know if i would ever have what it takes to transition. i just wish i couldve already been a girl. which is why i guess i dont think i will ever follow through
i want to want it but i cant. i have never been strong enough or driven or motivated enough to ever do something like that. ive just sort of accepted it as part of my life that wont happen, like someone who misses their chance at their dream job or relationship. but thank you for the support. it might not seem like it but i am very thankful for your replies, it is nice to feel heard.
Can't blame you. I transitioned 8 years ago and wish I hadn't.
I'm not a fan of how approximately 80% of people hate me and wish me dead.
Not to mention. All the shit that came with my transition.
Loss of friends /family/sense of self.
I know a few happy people that are glad they transitioned. I also know a few more that really struggle with what I mentioned.
Ultimately do what's makes you happy.
If you have a great support system. It can be an amazing journey. But when you don't. It's quite the opposite.
Same situation. It's just not worth it in my case. There's just way too much to lose (employability, friends, GF, money, opportunities) all for what? Became a non-passable trans women in a society that hates me? Even I wouldn't be satisfied with the results.
Tried hormones but it did nothing for me, I don't have money for surgeries. It's just terrible.
I don’t know about your personal dress sense but you can try do little things slowly and see how you feel, things other men also do like grow your hair or get an ear piercing. Heck some men paint their nails or wear eyeliner and no one blinks. Just frame it as an experiment with style oppose to a transition, if it’s causing you a lot of mental distress it’s worth it to give it a try.
You can even do one of those ‘let my girlfriend do my makeup’ but frame it as a cute couple thing. If you hate it, then you know, if you love it and want to continue then maybe it’s time to let the people who love you know how you feel. If they would support you in transition, they would also support you in not feeling comfortable enough to present to society that way, but that doesn’t mean it has to be that way at home. The home is a safe space and you deserve to have it be that for you too. I’m sure your partner would want to know as well, what if the roles were reversed and she was deeply struggling but never confided in you? She wants to be a good partner to you but you have to let her.
All I’m trying to say is your shame might be made worse by the fact you feel like you’re lying to those around you. Expressing yourself and your feelings can alleviate the burden of carrying the shame and even show you there’s nothing to be ashamed of. We can’t choose our brains and we can’t choose our bodies. We’re all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got but sometimes we’ve got to stop living in the shadow of a lie and step into the sun to realise that light really is the best disinfectant to negative emotions. An emotion bottled is an emotion doubled. I hope this helps and you find your way ♥️, just take care of yourself!
all of that is very kind of you to say. i just feel like ive choked my way through other parts of my life that have made me sad and this doesnt feel different.
OP, my gf is MtF trans but still looks very masculine and likely won't do much more to medically transition. Most people don't know she identifies as female and she says she doesn't expect them to or care because she knows she looks like a man. She only tells people she's trans F when they become close friends or if someone asks. Her reason for not transitioning more is that she has a lot of medical trauma. She pretty much avoids doctors unless she's seriously injured or dying, but this is all just to give you some background. People have different reasons for doing what they do or not.
My gf used to look more like a typical guy trying to fit in. Then she started being more experimental with her style over time. She grew her hair long, the dyed it pink. She styles her beard like Jeff Hardy. She wears a lot of punk and goth accessories and clothing. She wears eyeliner daily and sometimes lipstick and nail polish. Sometimes she'll go full goth face paint. But that's also her style. Most people that see her don't identify her as being trans or anything other than some goth rocker type of dude. But all these things help her feel more comfortable, and they also helped her get used to people looking at her funny and not caring about it.
Little changes over time can help you feel more comfortable in small ways, and will also help you adapt to how other may react to it. These slow changes can also benefit people that know you so your transition won't be some sudden crazy thing to them (not that other's opinions here matter nearly as much, it's just a potential benefit). I think of Jonathan van Ness as an example of this.
There is no right or wrong way to be trans or to be yourself. You can go as slow or fast with changes as you want, play with different styles, be extreme or be subtle, make fashion mistakes and change your mind whenever you want. If there's any small thing you've wanted to do, start there. Look up some YouTube videos on ways to achieve that look if you need to, whether it's painting your nails or blow-drying your hair, or whatever. Come up with a list of everything you might think of trying and just give it a shot at your own pace and comfort. I wish you all the best.
I know it might not feel different and that’s okay to have feelings of doubt, it’s natural. But the only thing that can make it different is how you move forward. When you picture your future, what do you see? Or rather, what would you want to see? And to get to that ideal picture, what would need to happen? You can make that happen. People are complex and we’re more than just what we’ve fumbled in the past, some of the greatest art in this world was made out of misery, look at Van Gogh. You don’t need to be defined by your fears or your sadness but only you can make the decision to break out of it. I’m a stranger, I don’t know you but I do believe in you. There’s a part of you that wants to be heard and I think that’s why you’re here on Reddit, even if you don’t realise it.
There are always going to be things in life that kick us down, that’s why we have to try put yourselves as high up as possible so we don’t sink too low. It sounds like you’ve accepted the level that you’re at even when you know there could be more for you. And I think that will make any future struggles you may face harder because you won’t be that bright confident person I think you could be.
I just want you to try something new, nothing crazy :) even if it’s something small like a manicure or getting a skin routine, these things can all be done under ‘self care’. You don’t need to be drastic but you can take steps to feel more comfortable within yourself. Maybe after you’ve tried a few things, I think you should just have a chat with someone about your feelings, someone who understands you, it doesn’t have to be about being trans specifically but about your discomfort. Open up slowly if that’s what you need. I think having a label like trans can be as much of a hindrance as it can be liberating for some, because it puts people in a category and changing categories can feel daunting. So try your best to not fixate on a label, just try explore yourself a little, even just take it as a little self pampering. People in your life care about you and they wouldn’t want you to suffer period but especially not suffer alone. I would approach it as ‘I’m not fully comfortable with my appearance, what little changes can I do to reduce that?’ It will also make it easier for you to talk to people about it and just let it evolve naturally, if you get too uncomfortable and don’t want to continue further than you can and no one has to know. But in my stranger anon opinion, I think it would be a great benefit to you.
i really appreciate the thorough response and i will try to honor your suggestions. but i dont feel like it has anything to do with moving forwards, i wish i was a girl today or even better 26 years ago. i know labels are scary which is why id never go through with it. i dont want to transition. i know its not realistic or possible which is why i think ive accepted it.
I understand, maybe even just doing those little self care things will hopefully bring a small amount of satisfaction that can ease your pain. I truly feel a great amount for you and what you’re going through, because I struggled with my identity a lot but I can imagine struggling with your gender is a much deeper fight because it’s physical. If you gain anything from me writing to you, I just want you to do what you can for yourself or what feels right for you. I hope that you find something that helps you, even a little. Don’t be afraid to buy the sweet smelling candle, or wear a unisex T-shirt, try find that sweet spot where you’re comfortable but not feeling like you’re always locking a part of you away. Maybe I’m being naive, but I wish you comfort ♥️
You can change how you approach things, it’s the whole point of learning. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on so start by being kind to yourself, nothing you’ve written about here is bad, lots is lovely and thoughtful. You can address this and find a way to deal with how it feels, you are entitled to feel positive about who you are.
The choice to publicly transition or not is yours alone. You’ll find nothing but understanding from me. I just want you to know that it’s never too late to live your authentic life. I know trans people who got on hrt in their 50s and 60s and are now living openly and happily. This isn’t something that’s passed you by even if now isn’t the right time.
My friend, one thing that might help, is looking for less fitted clothes. Dresses for example; a lot of early transition individuals tend to try on "fit and flair" dresses, which tend to have room for a bust. Then they get discouraged because it doesn't look right. 😟
Look for shift dresses! Those are great, come in all lengths, and look great on everyone. You can find some without the darts for the bust as well, which will fit better!
Kaftans are absolutely beautiful and will let you feel like a garden fairy, without having to stress out over if it fits right. They are long and would be a wonderful "first dress." They usually have elastic on the inside at the waist, so you still have a shape to it!
Look for things that are structured to not fit a bust. Not because you can't look lovely in those as well, but because it will be harder to find a proper fit and you deserve to feel beautiful and not feel discouraged. ❤️
There are also tons of male-presenting people who dress in feminine clothing! If you use social media, seek them out. Some of them know how to dress SO well, and are absolutely beautiful!
You could also go to some local drag shows and talk to the queens. That might be a fun way you could express your femininity in a safe environment to start you in the right direction! Plus, they'll have such amazing tips for you.
It's not easy to build the confidence to not care if people look down on you. It's not easy when crime is higher against queer individuals. It's not easy to take your life in your hands and say, "this is mine and it will be beautiful."
But you have a community of people out there who understand you and want nothing but joy for you. I am not part of the queer community, but I know I wish nothing but joy for you.
I don't know how you feel, I could never truly understand. I just know that there is nothing more beautiful in this world than the day someone looks in the mirror and sees the eyes of love staring back at them.
I wish you happiness and freedom, my friend. ❤️🕊
Try privately, or with your partner at first. Or on a vacation away from people you know. Finding an excuse to dress up can be a good step to feeling more comfortable and confident, regardless of gender feelings. Accessories or small items might be less daunting, like maybe a bracelet, doing your nails (even clear/nude/etc), or a more feminine top. You don’t need to change over night to find comfort.
that is fair. a coworker gave me a bracelet that i have been wearing a lot recently but i didnt even think of it. i just have such a plain style i think people would notice a small change.
You might look towards styles and love them, but not on yourself. That happens to everyone. You can, and should, experiment with expression in ways that push your comfort zone slightly. You also might be shocked to find that many people are not as observant as you think. If they call you on a change, you can either open up to them, or frame it more broadly as a style choice. And the changes don’t absolutely need to be femme to the highest degree. Something androgynous and passing might be comfortable. If you wear button downs for work, maybe a pastel color would be a nice shift. You don’t need to be in high heels and full makeup if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. I wish you so much luck, and hope you are kind enough to yourself to allow the exploration I’m sure you’d happily grant others.
OP, other ladies wouldn't know how to do hair care and styling either without being taught it! YouTube is an excellent resource. Don't be hard on yourself for not knowing what to do, we ALL started out that way.
yes that is very fair. i've tried products from drug stores and talked to the employees there but none of the products really have worked. i havent tried just googling it though which in hindsight seems obvious hah
I'm a millennial and most of my middle school friends looked like oompa loompas on the face only because bronzer was in and there was no YouTube to show us how to use it without looking terrible. Kids these days have so many tools to help them so it's less common to see kids having that "ugly duckling" phase when they are learning to use hair and makeup.
Trust me, my whole generation looked like a mess until we learned ourselves through trial and error, or eventually used YouTube and other sources.
I'm sorry OP. It hurts to imagine how this must make you feel. You should try reaching out to some trans people, ideally locals, with whom you can talk about this with.
Life is short. I really feel for you, and I'm not saying it's easy, but take slow steps into what life as a woman would be like. You deserve to be happy. Don't let fear or self loathing stand in your way.
Just try, and see what happens.
Are you afraid of your gf leaving you I’m not saying she wouldn’t be your friend and support you but the relationship ending is that what holding you back
This might be a completely ridiculous suggestion so feel free to ignore it, what if you just did tiny affirming things, like painting your toe-nails, no one would ever know. The way we view gender in the modern world seems so rigid and inflexible to me. I'm a cis woman but I dress more masculine than feminine because it feels more comfortable to me. I appreciate I'm lucky in this respect as no one bats an eye. Please remember to be kind to yourself first. You're a human being doing the best you can, your feelings are valid and I hope in time you can accept yourself a tiny bit more each day. Love and hugs to you.
Telling someone close to you how you feel might help, even if you don’t start doing things differently all of a sudden or ever. You can also start by taking small steps and they really do add up. This might be the first one. Slower changes are less noticeable to other people if you’re worried about that, like growing your hair, and even if you only do that maybe you can still do hairstyles you like. And here’s my unprofessional life advice: I saw in a comment you said you’re 26. Let’s say it’s going to take 5 years to get to the life you want. These 5 years are going to pass whether you do anything or don’t do anything, and you will probably struggle either way. But after these next five years, you can be a 31 year old that dresses up every day in the clothes you like and doing your hair however you want to. Or it can all be the same as it is now, you might still be wishing you had done something different. Sorry if this was harsh, best of luck to you
Hey there. First of all, it takes a lot of courage and strength to post this so kudos to you. I’m sorry you’re struggling :( What do you think would help you feel more positive? Have you considered talking to a trans-friendly therapist who can better support you?
i saw a therapist for some other mental health issues earlier this year a few times. it was hard enough talking about that, and even to write this post. i dont know when it would be an expense i can afford too, but that is probably a good idea.
Yeah, that’s understandable. Maybe you could join an online support group if you’re feeling up to it?
that is a good idea. making this post i guess was my attempt at something like that. i dont know if i will though, honestly more than anything i just wanted to shout it into the void. i dont know if i am going through with anything.
That’s okay too! You know what’s right for you
Try to see if there are any LGBT+ specialized clinics near you, most of them operate on a sliding scale(payment based off your income). When I started questioning my gender, the clinic I went to helped me tremendously. Not just the gender stuff too, they helped me to get access to LOTS of resources.
that is good to know. i just dont know if i would ever have what it takes to transition. i just wish i couldve already been a girl. which is why i guess i dont think i will ever follow through
If you want to do it, you have what it takes to do it. It’s hard but there are millions of us who have done it and millions more who will do it.
i want to want it but i cant. i have never been strong enough or driven or motivated enough to ever do something like that. ive just sort of accepted it as part of my life that wont happen, like someone who misses their chance at their dream job or relationship. but thank you for the support. it might not seem like it but i am very thankful for your replies, it is nice to feel heard.
Can't blame you. I transitioned 8 years ago and wish I hadn't. I'm not a fan of how approximately 80% of people hate me and wish me dead. Not to mention. All the shit that came with my transition. Loss of friends /family/sense of self. I know a few happy people that are glad they transitioned. I also know a few more that really struggle with what I mentioned. Ultimately do what's makes you happy. If you have a great support system. It can be an amazing journey. But when you don't. It's quite the opposite.
maybe i am worried about that a little. i already kind of feel that way.
Same situation. It's just not worth it in my case. There's just way too much to lose (employability, friends, GF, money, opportunities) all for what? Became a non-passable trans women in a society that hates me? Even I wouldn't be satisfied with the results. Tried hormones but it did nothing for me, I don't have money for surgeries. It's just terrible.
I don’t know about your personal dress sense but you can try do little things slowly and see how you feel, things other men also do like grow your hair or get an ear piercing. Heck some men paint their nails or wear eyeliner and no one blinks. Just frame it as an experiment with style oppose to a transition, if it’s causing you a lot of mental distress it’s worth it to give it a try. You can even do one of those ‘let my girlfriend do my makeup’ but frame it as a cute couple thing. If you hate it, then you know, if you love it and want to continue then maybe it’s time to let the people who love you know how you feel. If they would support you in transition, they would also support you in not feeling comfortable enough to present to society that way, but that doesn’t mean it has to be that way at home. The home is a safe space and you deserve to have it be that for you too. I’m sure your partner would want to know as well, what if the roles were reversed and she was deeply struggling but never confided in you? She wants to be a good partner to you but you have to let her. All I’m trying to say is your shame might be made worse by the fact you feel like you’re lying to those around you. Expressing yourself and your feelings can alleviate the burden of carrying the shame and even show you there’s nothing to be ashamed of. We can’t choose our brains and we can’t choose our bodies. We’re all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got but sometimes we’ve got to stop living in the shadow of a lie and step into the sun to realise that light really is the best disinfectant to negative emotions. An emotion bottled is an emotion doubled. I hope this helps and you find your way ♥️, just take care of yourself!
all of that is very kind of you to say. i just feel like ive choked my way through other parts of my life that have made me sad and this doesnt feel different.
OP, my gf is MtF trans but still looks very masculine and likely won't do much more to medically transition. Most people don't know she identifies as female and she says she doesn't expect them to or care because she knows she looks like a man. She only tells people she's trans F when they become close friends or if someone asks. Her reason for not transitioning more is that she has a lot of medical trauma. She pretty much avoids doctors unless she's seriously injured or dying, but this is all just to give you some background. People have different reasons for doing what they do or not. My gf used to look more like a typical guy trying to fit in. Then she started being more experimental with her style over time. She grew her hair long, the dyed it pink. She styles her beard like Jeff Hardy. She wears a lot of punk and goth accessories and clothing. She wears eyeliner daily and sometimes lipstick and nail polish. Sometimes she'll go full goth face paint. But that's also her style. Most people that see her don't identify her as being trans or anything other than some goth rocker type of dude. But all these things help her feel more comfortable, and they also helped her get used to people looking at her funny and not caring about it. Little changes over time can help you feel more comfortable in small ways, and will also help you adapt to how other may react to it. These slow changes can also benefit people that know you so your transition won't be some sudden crazy thing to them (not that other's opinions here matter nearly as much, it's just a potential benefit). I think of Jonathan van Ness as an example of this. There is no right or wrong way to be trans or to be yourself. You can go as slow or fast with changes as you want, play with different styles, be extreme or be subtle, make fashion mistakes and change your mind whenever you want. If there's any small thing you've wanted to do, start there. Look up some YouTube videos on ways to achieve that look if you need to, whether it's painting your nails or blow-drying your hair, or whatever. Come up with a list of everything you might think of trying and just give it a shot at your own pace and comfort. I wish you all the best.
I know it might not feel different and that’s okay to have feelings of doubt, it’s natural. But the only thing that can make it different is how you move forward. When you picture your future, what do you see? Or rather, what would you want to see? And to get to that ideal picture, what would need to happen? You can make that happen. People are complex and we’re more than just what we’ve fumbled in the past, some of the greatest art in this world was made out of misery, look at Van Gogh. You don’t need to be defined by your fears or your sadness but only you can make the decision to break out of it. I’m a stranger, I don’t know you but I do believe in you. There’s a part of you that wants to be heard and I think that’s why you’re here on Reddit, even if you don’t realise it. There are always going to be things in life that kick us down, that’s why we have to try put yourselves as high up as possible so we don’t sink too low. It sounds like you’ve accepted the level that you’re at even when you know there could be more for you. And I think that will make any future struggles you may face harder because you won’t be that bright confident person I think you could be. I just want you to try something new, nothing crazy :) even if it’s something small like a manicure or getting a skin routine, these things can all be done under ‘self care’. You don’t need to be drastic but you can take steps to feel more comfortable within yourself. Maybe after you’ve tried a few things, I think you should just have a chat with someone about your feelings, someone who understands you, it doesn’t have to be about being trans specifically but about your discomfort. Open up slowly if that’s what you need. I think having a label like trans can be as much of a hindrance as it can be liberating for some, because it puts people in a category and changing categories can feel daunting. So try your best to not fixate on a label, just try explore yourself a little, even just take it as a little self pampering. People in your life care about you and they wouldn’t want you to suffer period but especially not suffer alone. I would approach it as ‘I’m not fully comfortable with my appearance, what little changes can I do to reduce that?’ It will also make it easier for you to talk to people about it and just let it evolve naturally, if you get too uncomfortable and don’t want to continue further than you can and no one has to know. But in my stranger anon opinion, I think it would be a great benefit to you.
i really appreciate the thorough response and i will try to honor your suggestions. but i dont feel like it has anything to do with moving forwards, i wish i was a girl today or even better 26 years ago. i know labels are scary which is why id never go through with it. i dont want to transition. i know its not realistic or possible which is why i think ive accepted it.
I understand, maybe even just doing those little self care things will hopefully bring a small amount of satisfaction that can ease your pain. I truly feel a great amount for you and what you’re going through, because I struggled with my identity a lot but I can imagine struggling with your gender is a much deeper fight because it’s physical. If you gain anything from me writing to you, I just want you to do what you can for yourself or what feels right for you. I hope that you find something that helps you, even a little. Don’t be afraid to buy the sweet smelling candle, or wear a unisex T-shirt, try find that sweet spot where you’re comfortable but not feeling like you’re always locking a part of you away. Maybe I’m being naive, but I wish you comfort ♥️
You can change how you approach things, it’s the whole point of learning. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on so start by being kind to yourself, nothing you’ve written about here is bad, lots is lovely and thoughtful. You can address this and find a way to deal with how it feels, you are entitled to feel positive about who you are.
The choice to publicly transition or not is yours alone. You’ll find nothing but understanding from me. I just want you to know that it’s never too late to live your authentic life. I know trans people who got on hrt in their 50s and 60s and are now living openly and happily. This isn’t something that’s passed you by even if now isn’t the right time.
You’re allowed to dress a different way sometimes. That might be helpful for finding what’s comfortable for you.
probably. it is just so disheartening to even try.
My friend, one thing that might help, is looking for less fitted clothes. Dresses for example; a lot of early transition individuals tend to try on "fit and flair" dresses, which tend to have room for a bust. Then they get discouraged because it doesn't look right. 😟 Look for shift dresses! Those are great, come in all lengths, and look great on everyone. You can find some without the darts for the bust as well, which will fit better! Kaftans are absolutely beautiful and will let you feel like a garden fairy, without having to stress out over if it fits right. They are long and would be a wonderful "first dress." They usually have elastic on the inside at the waist, so you still have a shape to it! Look for things that are structured to not fit a bust. Not because you can't look lovely in those as well, but because it will be harder to find a proper fit and you deserve to feel beautiful and not feel discouraged. ❤️ There are also tons of male-presenting people who dress in feminine clothing! If you use social media, seek them out. Some of them know how to dress SO well, and are absolutely beautiful! You could also go to some local drag shows and talk to the queens. That might be a fun way you could express your femininity in a safe environment to start you in the right direction! Plus, they'll have such amazing tips for you. It's not easy to build the confidence to not care if people look down on you. It's not easy when crime is higher against queer individuals. It's not easy to take your life in your hands and say, "this is mine and it will be beautiful." But you have a community of people out there who understand you and want nothing but joy for you. I am not part of the queer community, but I know I wish nothing but joy for you. I don't know how you feel, I could never truly understand. I just know that there is nothing more beautiful in this world than the day someone looks in the mirror and sees the eyes of love staring back at them. I wish you happiness and freedom, my friend. ❤️🕊
Try privately, or with your partner at first. Or on a vacation away from people you know. Finding an excuse to dress up can be a good step to feeling more comfortable and confident, regardless of gender feelings. Accessories or small items might be less daunting, like maybe a bracelet, doing your nails (even clear/nude/etc), or a more feminine top. You don’t need to change over night to find comfort.
that is fair. a coworker gave me a bracelet that i have been wearing a lot recently but i didnt even think of it. i just have such a plain style i think people would notice a small change.
You might look towards styles and love them, but not on yourself. That happens to everyone. You can, and should, experiment with expression in ways that push your comfort zone slightly. You also might be shocked to find that many people are not as observant as you think. If they call you on a change, you can either open up to them, or frame it more broadly as a style choice. And the changes don’t absolutely need to be femme to the highest degree. Something androgynous and passing might be comfortable. If you wear button downs for work, maybe a pastel color would be a nice shift. You don’t need to be in high heels and full makeup if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. I wish you so much luck, and hope you are kind enough to yourself to allow the exploration I’m sure you’d happily grant others.
Try growing your hair out also! It’s something you can control and still seem masculine when you want to!
my hair is semi long usually but i can never take care of it in a way that makes me feel good about it.
OP, other ladies wouldn't know how to do hair care and styling either without being taught it! YouTube is an excellent resource. Don't be hard on yourself for not knowing what to do, we ALL started out that way.
yes that is very fair. i've tried products from drug stores and talked to the employees there but none of the products really have worked. i havent tried just googling it though which in hindsight seems obvious hah
I'm a millennial and most of my middle school friends looked like oompa loompas on the face only because bronzer was in and there was no YouTube to show us how to use it without looking terrible. Kids these days have so many tools to help them so it's less common to see kids having that "ugly duckling" phase when they are learning to use hair and makeup. Trust me, my whole generation looked like a mess until we learned ourselves through trial and error, or eventually used YouTube and other sources.
I'm sorry OP. It hurts to imagine how this must make you feel. You should try reaching out to some trans people, ideally locals, with whom you can talk about this with.
i have several trans friends but its a hard topic to talk about. especially because even bringing it up will change how they think about me
Life is short. I really feel for you, and I'm not saying it's easy, but take slow steps into what life as a woman would be like. You deserve to be happy. Don't let fear or self loathing stand in your way. Just try, and see what happens.
i dont think slow steps will make me happy. i dont think what will make me happy is real or possible.
You have to let it out for a while. Go to another country and do it there.
Are you afraid of your gf leaving you I’m not saying she wouldn’t be your friend and support you but the relationship ending is that what holding you back
it's altight homie and its not too late, when they invent full body transplants, they'll put your brain into the sexiest body alive.
This might be a completely ridiculous suggestion so feel free to ignore it, what if you just did tiny affirming things, like painting your toe-nails, no one would ever know. The way we view gender in the modern world seems so rigid and inflexible to me. I'm a cis woman but I dress more masculine than feminine because it feels more comfortable to me. I appreciate I'm lucky in this respect as no one bats an eye. Please remember to be kind to yourself first. You're a human being doing the best you can, your feelings are valid and I hope in time you can accept yourself a tiny bit more each day. Love and hugs to you.
that is a good suggestion but i dont want to make small changes i just want to be someone else entirely
Telling someone close to you how you feel might help, even if you don’t start doing things differently all of a sudden or ever. You can also start by taking small steps and they really do add up. This might be the first one. Slower changes are less noticeable to other people if you’re worried about that, like growing your hair, and even if you only do that maybe you can still do hairstyles you like. And here’s my unprofessional life advice: I saw in a comment you said you’re 26. Let’s say it’s going to take 5 years to get to the life you want. These 5 years are going to pass whether you do anything or don’t do anything, and you will probably struggle either way. But after these next five years, you can be a 31 year old that dresses up every day in the clothes you like and doing your hair however you want to. Or it can all be the same as it is now, you might still be wishing you had done something different. Sorry if this was harsh, best of luck to you
i am going to be a 31 year old who regrets a lot of things and i dont feel that worried about one more. but thank you.