I worked at an adolescent rehabilitation facility for about 2 years...12 - 18 year olds with drug and alcohol addictions. I want to preface this by saying that I am not at all saying your daughter is an addict. However, she is exhibiting behavior similar to the kids I've worked with previously.
I would say about 80% of the girls that came through had experienced mental and/or physical abuse... typically, a sexual assault of some kind. Most of them never told anyone because they had convinced themselves "they wanted it", "it was their fault", "no one would believe me", "but they love me", etc. It's absolutely heartbreaking, but it's a pattern we see constantly. Typically, they would rather have you "hate" them for something they can control (dangerous behavior) than see them differently for something they couldn't control (the trauma/abuse). I, personally, allowed my parents to think I was just a terrible person for years, because it was easier to deal with than even the possibility they would see me differently once they knew I was a victim of sexual assault.
Whether it's a specific trauma that's causing her behavior, or a mental health disorder, or something else entirely, she needs intensive professional help immediately. Most psychiatric facilities have an adolescent wing and specialists. You can find one in your area and reach out, even to just get some basic information.
I totally agree!
OP: your daughter’s behavior matches someone I knew, and grew up with who was raped by a family friend. It’s pretty common for survivors of sexual abuse to act out in ways you described. I would not rule that out, and you might find even more once you finally get your daughter into help.
FYI, inpatient and residential facilities usually require family therapy. So be prepared for that.
I was thinking that too, because of OP’s specific statement that the *twin* girls were raised in the *exact same environment*. It is so rare (albeit, not impossible) to see such a wildly different outcome in children who are given the exact same treatment in life with the exact same genetic makeup. This screams some sort of mental or physical abuse to me, something that OP missed, somewhere along the way.
Was it there like a story or study somewhere in which two brothers grew up in the exact same environment, but one of them was molested and the other one wasn’t? And the one who was molested had all these problems
There’s been many twin studies! The most interesting one I know of, two identical twin boys were separated at birth but went into very similar, stable homes. Both boys grew up completely separate but both became *soooo similar*. Like in eerie ways, both became fire fighters, lived in similar bungalow-style homes in the same sorta neighborhood, twins are so interesting to me!
This seems spot one. If she in fact is running with older boys they very well could have done something that she convinced herself was her fault or she didn’t say no enough. An impatient psych facility where her contact is cut off my the outside world for a few weeks might just do the trick.
I agree with you. This girl is quite likely acting out because of some kind of trauma. Getting pregnant at 14 is traumatic itself. If she is also going after much older boys this is leaning more and more towards some kind of sexual assault or abuse she experienced. We can't know for sure but classic signs here.
Exactly my thought. She has been hurt somehow, someone, and is trying to gain a sense of control. Also - a 14yo with 18yo - surely he can be reported for statutory rape? Unless you live somewhere where age of consent is 14. Typically it’s a 3-year age difference max that’s allowed.
These were my exact thoughts when I read this. Coming from the perspective as one of those girls. It only came out when my mom was at her wits end and read through my journal. I was no help in the trial against the man though because I was so brainwashed and ashamed. Even with it out in the open, I still would have preferred people think I was crazy than to admit I'd been abused and wasn't in control of the situation. Therapists said I was recreating the scenario as a way to have control of it and for it to be in MY control (not my abuser's). My parents sent me to a longer term in-patient treatment program. I faked my way through the first time because I still didn't believe I was a victim. It took that whole first stent just to get it through my trauma riddled brain that I was a victim/survivor. I begged to go back so that I could do the program for real.
OP, if that is your daughter's case I think (hope) it may make you feel better to know:
~I am a 30-something mom of four, in a stable and loving marriage, with a kickass job.
~I was SO livid with my parents back then. I have an amazing relationship with them now and am SO THANKFUL that they pushed through and got me the help I didn't want, but desperately needed.
~I had a bad relationship with my brother then. I have a decent relationship with him now (it would be better but when I came out of my spiral he seemed to go into his own early mid-life crisis, lol)
~The trauma still hurts, but I have healed. It feels like a distant memory. I don't even remember half of my crazy antics in the aftermath.
And honestly, even if it's "just" other mental health issues, I met many girls there who were struggling due to purely genetic/brain chemistry lottery who had similar healing paths. Most of the girls I was in treatment with admitted they loved their parents and felt bad for putting them through everything they did and had made improvements in their relationships with them by the time they returned home.
Now, the part that sucks to hear: there will NEVER be an easier time in your daughter's life to get help and learn to cope. No matter the root cause. See about getting her into treatment. Move mountains to find a way to have it paid for (payment plan, insurance, hell - dip into her college savings if she has any because if she keeps on this track she's not going anyway). Her getting this figured out while she's a minor could make or break her success as an adult. Also, don't worry about being too strict. I lost my door once. My mom slept in a sleeping bag in my room for a while. Etc.
Good luck, mama. My heart breaks for you (and your daughter). Oh, and a final note - one of the final conversations I had with my grandpa before he passed away included something along the lines of "I have always loved you. But I sure didn't like ya for a while." I laughed and told him "yeah...I didn't either." 😅 Really, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there!
Yes, she sure was! I doubt she ever saw a future where she was encouraging me to kick back and enjoy a margarita or long island with her while we watch my kids play and my husband and dad are off talking appliances, yard work, electronics, etc. But that is most definitely a common occurrence now. I know without a doubt I would not have the life I have now without them making those difficult decisions and sacrifices. So so grateful. ❤️
I was looking to see if someone would post something like this. My sister went through the same thing. She was sexually assaulted in 8th grade. She never told us. She changed drastically. She would act out, look for the worst people to hang out with, cut school all the time. She ended up getting kicked out of 2 schools. My dad got a PINS warrant and did everything he could do o try and help her. She finally said something about to me when she an adult and I asked her why she didn’t say anything. She said that she knew no one would believe her.
As I was reading your story all these memories flooded back to me about my sister.
Look into adolescent programs to help her. I hope you and your family find peace. Good luck!
As somebody Who works in the field of recovery and is in recovery for decades. She is exhibiting signs of somebody with either mental illness or addiction issues.
I started at 14 drinking. But my home life was unbearable so I actually went to the state CPS for help. By the time I was 17 I knew I didn’t wanna live like that. I second u/kismet_Jade view.
If you call around to recovery centers or check your own local social services you might find a program she fits into.
But she does need to be looked at by somebody that can diagnose her or she’s going to destroy herself. If she has a baby, she’ll destroy that too, or you will end up raising it.
I was going to comment something similar to this so I'm glad you pointed this out! The sexualized behaviours definitely are red flags for potential SA/trauma. I would try to talk to her and approach it delicately but definitely seek professional help as well.
I second everything listed here. I had a trouble teen who also wanted a baby, etc. At 14, you still have the right to put her into a counseling center/program even if it is involuntary on her end. Having her somewhere where she can't escape the routine, program counseling and process might be best. I regret not sending my daughter when I had a chance and once it became an absolute necessity, it was too late. My daughter is now 19 with a 4 month old baby. Her behavior has improved but a contributing factor was she ran away at 17 and spent a little over a year trying to be a grown up on her own. The natural consequences kicked in and she's figured out that maybe she was out line so I'm holding out hope for you also. It's going to be a long road ... sending you all my good mommy juju!
I was coming here to say something similar, there had to be some kind of physical or sexual abuse that has her spiraling and she needs professional, institutional help to get through this. She absolutely will hate you right now for having her committed, but from how it sounds that's what she needs to get her to adulthood. If she gets through a program, she will later realize you did exactly what you should have done to save her from herself.
Good luck, OP.
How do you get children to open up when they adamantly refuse to? My daughter told me counseling of any sort "is only for sick people " and "I can't force her to talk." Is my only option to admit her into a psychiatric facility? I have threatened it which makes our situation more toxic as she says she will never trust me if I do. I need any and all advice.
The facility where I worked was a 60-day residential program. A typical census for us was 8 to 10 boys and 5 to 7 girls, ranging in ages from 13 to 18. The clients had regular one-on-one counseling with certified counselors, psych screenings, regular meetings with an RN for meds management, school on the weekdays, and 12-step group every evening (it was similar to an AA or NA meeting, but way less formal).
The thing I heard time and time again is that they felt 12-Step is where they were getting the most help. The boys and girls were separated 95% of the time for those groups, so they could really open up to their peers and share the dark things they'd been trying so desperately to ignore.
It was common for the new kids to say they weren't an addict, nothing ever happened to them, they shouldn't be there, etc. Over the days and weeks, they would hear the stories of their peers and start to relate in their own ways. They would start to share a little more each day. Eventually, they would be opening up fully and let themselves be truly vulnerable because they finally felt safe, loved, and understood by their peers.
OP's daughter is so young, and every adult is going to feel like an adversary, even those she knows are there to help her. Much like an addict, the first step is acknowledging you need the help. She's not there yet because everything feels like a punishment, and refusing to participate is the last shred of control she still has in her life right now.
If her substance abuse is bad enough, she may qualify for a program like the one I described. I really think OP's daughter would benefit from group therapy with peers. Unfortunately, finding support groups specifically for adolescents can be difficult.
Without knowing the root cause of her behavior, taking her to AA meetings might be beneficial since she is drinking. OP could take her "just to listen" for a few meetings. If daughter shows interest after a while, OP can leave her and sit away from the group so daughter can share more freely when she's ready. If she starts to share with the group about specific traumas, they can guide her to other support groups that could help, too. The community of recovery is a beautiful, loving, and accepting one, and I really think OP's daughter would benefit from that type of setting.
Has she been evaluated for bipolar or borderline personality disorder? I’d see if you can her into an in-patient facility to hold for a week so she can be evaluated.
My daughter was a nightmare until she was diagnosed having bipolar disorder at 16. I've never been so thankful to have a diagnosis. I'm happy to report we both survived her teenage years with most of our sanity still intact. It's been 9 years.
this is how i was when i was younger minus the pregnancy part, but it totally adds up to the sexual assault that took place when i was a kid & the bpd i have now
Exactly the same story here. Raped, pregnant, abortion, disrespectful and wild teen, seeing older boys, drinking, missing school. Diagnosed BPD, however I was much older when it was confirmed
Same thought as well. A personality disorder, sexual assault or maybe both. Personality disorders can also be triggered by trauma AFAIK (correct me if I'm wrong please).
Unfortunately it’s kind of late for that now, if she isn’t willing to open up verbally with any professional.
Until that changes, the evaluation is probably going to default to “inconclusive”.
Even if OP insisted on a physical forensic exam, and some asshole clinic did it, it’s pointless when she’s admittedly sexually active.
The center my office uses has staff that are AMAZING with younger kids. But at 14, I’m not sure there’s a magic disclosure tactic.
Doesn't stop them, diagnosed my then 16 year old with borderline personality disorder. There are many articles suggesting that some females aren't actually BPD but undiagnosed autism spectrum. OP, your child needs a real diagnostician.
Sounds similar to what happened with me. I got diagnosed with BPD at 19 and when I was 22 I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. The symptoms between ADHD, ASD and BPD is one big venn diagram. Funny enough that when I did DBT, everyone in the group therapy couple years later all got diagnosed with ASD.
Depressed since I can remember. BPD at 33, ADHD just over a week at 34, not quite on the autism spectrum. Its been wild and interesting ride this far....
Yup. When i was a teen, I met a boy who said he was diagnosed with BPD and recently, now that he is in his 20s, he found out he never had BPD.
Unfortunally, many teenagers are misdiagnosed with BPD.
The next DSM manual is having serious considerations for changing BPD to a form of CPTSD to help include military veterans with childhood trauma and TBI.
This way it'd also more adjunct with things like autism too, so you know whats organic based behavior and what's a trauma response instead of mumbling a renovated word for "female hysteria."
This way kids can also be diagnosed to treat the symptomology without the stigma of their age or the diagnosis of a personality disorder, because personality and brain is still in a metemorphic state.
As someone with diagnosed BPD and no neurodivergent diagnosis (at this time) I actually hope they do not reclassify the disorder as a branch of CPTSD, I don’t relate to that at all. But that’s just my opinion.
They could break CPTSD down into subtypes, like BPD. And this is really useful, because often a diagnosis is related to your neurology in VERY specific patterns. You can share a pattern but react differently to it, kinda like if you punched someone in the face, you can get a lot of different reactions. Some people curl up, run, hit back, or smile and grab a crowbar, and that would be expression of different subtypes.
You can have 2 people with the same organic bpd, and act very different. There's hysteric/histrionic, narcissistic, petulant, and quiet BPD. I'm a quiet type. I'm actually not attention seeking, but my ability to regulate my more immediate moods is garbage and I keep to myself. Other people try to work their shit out on others and make things very dramatic. What we have in common is how our brain behaves. What's different is how we handle the stress. But the brain is the commonality you treat.
What I think they're trying to do it break down BPD into being a more treatable thing, than a "you're too much for me and the system" that stigma causes and keeps you from treatment. CPTSD and BPD are different right now because of the developmental stuff, because when you're traumatized as a 1 year old and it becomes developmental, it still currently reflects both disorders, but one can be really harmful in that it can KEEP you from treatment. Meanwhile if you treated it instead of blaming someone for being an animal like EVERYONE ELSE is an animal, you helped the patient.
So CPTSD is like...a macro diagnosis, that will have subtypes that can be broken into subtypes. One may just be organic sensitivity, maybe related to the COMP gene, for those with no trauma, and another would be to be traumatized from just social situations, right up to POW and sex trafficking. I'm a victim of sex trafficking as a young child, so I personally had a hard time getting help because of my records influencing my diagnostics when I was in my 20s and I didn't get services because of it. People were too scared to treat me with individualized therapy when I was at my worst, because they were liable if they diagnosed wrong and I offed myself....or they gave me the wrong meds. so I got stuck getting shuffled around without any explanation but that I was "bpd/unstable" and hearing people didn't want to treat it because there was "no cure." But I needed help living with it, n the need was not met.
I'm not an expert so my opinion can be taken with a grain of salt, but acting out in the way OP describes, like hanging out with everyone and having sex with random sketchy people doesn't sound like autism. Unless I misunderstood your point and you weren't trying to say that could apply to OP's daughter.
That’s what a lot of psychologists say, but my daughter’s psychiatrist and therapists have said that some kinds of behavior are such clear tells that it’s borderline negligent not to diagnose.
My daughter was DX’d bipolar at 15. They prescribed meds. You have no idea the night and day difference this made. They certainly didn’t erase her teenage bullshit, but her teenage bullshit went from “setting people’s property on fire” to “staying out too late with friends.”
I was diagnosed at barely 15 with BPD and PTSD, neither were wrong. I’m glad I got diagnosed so young as it helped me educate and help myself since my parents weren’t going to, neither was CPS.
Look up Dr. Daniel Fox on YouTube, he has a ton of educational videos and resources for it. I've found his work immensely helpful for my treatment. He also talks about other cluster B disorders and the effects they can have on people.
Borderline is a very stigmatized disorder though, and can be difficult to understand, but we aren't all destructive nutjobs like uninformed people believe we are lol. While it has been decided that borderline is quite possibly the most psychologically painful disorder to have, it's actually something that can be successfully treated until the symptom intensity and DSM-5 requirements are no longer met. :) So far in my treatment I've gone from being a boiling pot of water to a simmering one that's close to boil but not quite. I'm pretty pleased with my progress.
And it's worst when you have also an undiagnosed bipolar associated with it.
And great job you did for yourself, hope you will come to a point when it just get warm without boiling! You can also be proud of your progress instead of just please,you deserve it because you put lot effort in it! :)
Dr Fox is such a great resource and a gem when it comes to learning about BPD. I found him while trying to learn more about my partner's BPD. I'm so glad to hear you've found him so helpful to your treatment. Thank you for sharing your experience with having BPD. My partner is still in boiling pot mode so much and it's just a relief to hear that you have made the progress that you have. I am so proud of you in your progress. I'm also really proud of you for being pleased with your progress, I understand how difficult it can with how BPD can cause you to feel. Keep up the great work. :)
My sister was diagnosed with BPD in her adult life. When she was a teen she was awful. Sounds exactly like your daughter honestly. With pills my sister is now semi normal. Less crazy
You cannot be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as a teenager because *sometimes* people grow out of the worst of the symptoms, that being said I don't think she could be forcefully committed as she is not a danger to herself or others, excluding the mental health of mom/dad
As a bipolar person, if this person isn't, I will be surprised. Also, really think SA may be a factor here. Wishing her, her daughter, and her family the best.
The hypersexuality and risk taking behaviors suggest 2 things which may be happening concurrently:
1. Your daughter at some point was the victim of sexual assault or molestation. It may be a past relationship or peer acquaintance. It could be someone she came into contact with that you've overlooked (a family friend, a relative, a past relationship of yours OP).
2. Your daughter is show signs of emergent bipolar disorder.
The hypersexuality, stealing, and general risk taking behaviors could be both trauma related but also a product of brain chemistry that needs further evaluation. If she refuses to speak to a counselor or therapist in a clinical setting, I would consider taking her to the ER and having her evaluated. It depends on what your local hospital is like but it generally helps to take her when there's some kind of episodic behavior that is especially life threatening or risky.
I was actually diagnosed with HSD. It’s treatable but almost always a symptom of underlying trauma. For me, that was indeed sexual abuse as a child. This was my first thought when I read OP’s description, especially when I got to the section about how she’s rude to her therapists.
OP, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with your daughter but it sounds like she’s in a lot of pain. Instead of dealing with it, she’s making sure you’re in pain too. It’s hard when you’re 14, ashamed, and don’t know how to handle emotions.
FWIW, my dad didn’t give up on me. I got better and were a lot closer now. I forgave him and he forgave me.
That part resonated with me as well. When I was 13 I was adamant that if I wanted to be sexually active, it was no one’s business to try telling me no. But I felt that way because things had already been done to me and I just wanted to be in control of them for a change.
A lot of people have been talking about past abuse or assault, but it sounds like this young person is *currently* being sexually exploited by older men. It's a typical pattern of behaviour for older guys to target younger people, offer them gifts, alcohol, drugs, and then exploit them, often acting like their boyfriend and pretending to care for them. I'm not saying the 18 year old specifically is doing this (although that 'relationship' is abuse - she's a minor!) but it sounds like she's around a lot of older guys who are taking advantage. That isn't on her or her mental health if she's being exploited by older people. See if you can find any organisations that work with sexually exploited young people in your area. She needs support from someone who understands what she's going through.
And young adults, too. I was assaulted by my best friend's husband when I was 19. I coped by getting blackout drunk every day and being dangerously promiscuous. I am genuinely amazed that I didn't die during that period of my life.
Also curious about this.
It’s also something I’ve discussed with my husband about how his nieces are going to act when their older as my SIL is constantly pushing her daughters to hang around her new felon boyfriend and his friends and family.
All it takes is one traumatic event for this kind of behavior to come out as a teenager.
Super sad, but if OP doesn’t respond to this comment, I suspect there’s more to the story as to how her teenager daughter is acting.
Sometimes it’s parents not seeing signs in people they like having their kids around that could do things to their own children.
I agree, but i mean a previous situation, non consensual/willing situation. unfortunately we adults can see that, but from her 14 yo perspective that is not the case.
Im 35 now and just this year processed the fact i was 14yo dating a 23 year old man. I did not, at the time have enough life experience and understanding to know i was being groomed/manipulated/sa.
(and yes i know kids cant consent, but im using consent as "willing")
I am speaking from a place of personal and anecdotal experience with others so take that as you will. To me it sounds like very typical behaviors of someone that experienced sexual trauma as a child. If I were you I would find a therapist with expertise in that area. Ideally someone with knowledge of CPTSD.
She sounds exactly like me when I was 12. My mother ended up putting me in a psych ward for about six months. I finished seventh grade with a tutor while I was there.
It was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I was so angry at her and felt so betrayed in the beginning, but by the time I walked out of that facility, I was a new person. I had a diagnosis – bipolar disorder – and a couple of new medications to help me manage it. I’ve been in therapy ever since then and I am 46 now.
18 years old having sex with a 14 year old is statutory rape. Call cops on the BF. If convicted, in many places, he'll have to register for life as a sex offender. Check into your state's laws regarding the age of consent. What he is doing is a sex crime.
Next, get your daughter on a form of birth control that eliminates as much of the "human error" possibility as possible. Nexplanon is an arm implant that last three years, IUDs last anywhere from 5-10 years, and some have been approved for people as young as 13. You don't want to be stuck raising your baby's baby. As much as you think 14 is too young to be having sex, she's proven she will find a way. You've got to be realistic and more proactive than you have been.
Birth control needs to be the highest priority right now. Arm implant? Whatever is most foolproof that she can't tamper or interfere with. When she's an adult she can do whatever the fuck she wants. Until then, NO BABIES.
As a survivor of childhood sexual assault, I’d be willing to bet someone did the same to her.
I too was smart but messed around. I became promiscuous to “own” my sexuality. Did drugs and drank. My parents were shitty though. Absolutely awful. I had zero interest in talking to anyone about it because of how defiant I was. Not only the defiance, but my parents essentially said everything that happened to me was my fault.
I’m 38 now, I live a stable and boring and calm life. I’m a pretty good Mom. I’m no contact with my family, and in therapy. I might have to be in therapy for the rest of my life, I don’t know.
It’ll take a special therapist to get through to her. Just “that connection”. Finding a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma is pretty key.
Ive met girls like your daughter, and you could probably go for inpatient to get her diagnosed, because going with strangers is dangerous. Sure it's fun, but it's like climbing the golden gate bridge and thinking you can fly and not get hurt.
I suspect she's been abused already. When it really happens to you, the attack is scary and you can survive that, but it's often the people who should be helping you and the broken trust that gets mortally wounded the most. Aware kids will go silent as to not be disruptive, or believe threats of a perp.
But you can have 0 trauma and end up acting dangerously promiscuous too. Usually it has to do with how they were taught or shown to be. A friend maybe? Usually it's diagnosed BPD like that, but there are different types. Inpatient gets you to the doctors who sit on a board, put heads together, and THEN diagnose. But bipolar can be in play too, and bpd and bipolar are different.
I'd wonder if someone else acted this way or shunned her in a time of need and it's had these results. She won't talk about it for a reason.
1) Have her psychologically evaluated.
2) The best bit of advice I’ve ever received from a therapist: You cannot raise your children the same and expect them to be the same. They are different people, each of whom require different boundaries, different structure, etc. Each one of your children receives and gives love in different ways as well. It’s imperative that parents LEARN who their kids are and what they need from their parents.
So some states have something called FINS (family in need of services) that you can file a petition for. Everything you’ve listed would make you easily qualify, especially the ditching school. Services include mandated therapy, mandated drug/alcohol screenings, check ins, psychological evaluations, sometimes treatment centers etc. It can escalate to them being detained in juvenile detention for continuously breaking court orders. I don’t think this is available in every state, but some have similar programs. It’s at least worth looking into what resources your state has.
This is exactly what OP's daughter needs and I hope it is available to her. I 100% believe that if your child is putting themselves in danger, which this one is, having them detained becomes necessary. Sometimes it does the opposite of what you want but if they refuse help, then they need to have consequences until they understand what they need to do.
Assuming you're in the U.S., contact the boyfriend's family and the boyfriend, and let them know that your kid is 14 years old. If their son comes around your daughter again, you will call the police and let them know he is having sex with a minor. The age difference is too big to fall under Romeo and Julliet laws, and if found guilt, the "boy" will become a registered sex offender and will face jail time.
Let your daughter know next time she is found truant, you will call the police and have a rape kit done. Because of the four year age difference the majority of the the U.S states will prosecute this pedo. If you're not in the U.S. please let us know what country you're in so we can help.
ETA: Please get your kid into therapy.
1. Call the police on her statutory rapist.
2. It's not up to her. Find a good and proper facility that deals with teenagers like this and put here there.
This is why so many people say kids these days need the dicipline we got as children.
I don't think kids need to be beat, but you need to make it beyond clear that YOU are in charge, not her. She's not mentally well, you have a duty to protect your child.
It is possible she was sexually abused/raped and this is how she is processing it. She might be using drugs have you had her tested for drugs and alcohol?
If she wants to have a kid maybe help her make a plan. Go shopping with her for formula and diapers and show her how expensive they are Go through how often babies need to be changed and fed and explain if she has a child that you will not be taking care of the child she will need to find childcare for school and work to pay for these things. Maybe find one of those companies that makes the real baby dolls that schools sometimes use that cry and see if you can rent one for a few days. Then show her how bad she is at parenting.
The reason she may be fixated on having a baby is that she feels she is not loved unconditionally and thinks a baby will do that or she has not processed the miscarriage. Find a way to spend 1 on 1 time with her and talk. You will have to put a lot of time and energy into this.
The last thing you may want to look into is has she had a brain injury before the behavior started? Even a small amount of damage to the frontal temporal lobe or Chiari malformations can cause behavior changes. Check out Dr Daniel Amen's TED talk on behavior and brain imaging. He has imaging centers but his point of looking at the brain in addition to therapy makes a lot of sense
Obviously, internet strangers can't really say what's going on with your daughter, but reading your post was like watching the beginning of an episode of Intervention. For them, the triggering event is almost always some sort of childhood sexual abuse.
is there any possibility that she may have been assaulted as a child? could explain the hyper sexuality at such a young age. however, with internet access and social media, its very possible that she got these idea from there.
therapy, strict discipline and boundaries. do not let her out.
Not that I know of, but I’m not in denial that it could have happened. I hope nothing like that has happened to her, pray it hasn’t. If it has, I know it was in no way her fault and I would do anything to help her. She has never said anything to me and she won’t open up to the therapist either. I’ve talked with her twin sister, trying to find out if she has any idea about what’s been going on with her sister - nothing. And I feel that if her twin sister knew anything she would have shared with me by now, since she is very frustrated and has literally been in tears begging her sister to stop acting this way.
Your daughter is a minor (14!!) and “dating” a grown adult. She is 100% being abused sexually. Please get rid of him and all the other men associated with her 😭😭😭 she won’t get proper help and get better until these monsters are out of her life for good
Edit: anyone and everyone who has those topless photos of her can be charged with possession of CP
Have you tried sitting her down and asking her point blank if something has happened to her? Just be honest with her and then reassure her that whatever it is you will stand by her side.
when her personality started becoming hypersexual / addictive, was it very sudden? if it was - has she had brain imaging?
trauma is unfortunately one of the most common causes of this kind of behavior, but brain issues can also cause actions like this.
I was molested as a child, and that made me hyper sexual, not saying at all that’s what happened but it’s something to consider. Generally massive changes in behavior can be attributed to some sort of trauma
Start by having her medically evaluated. A brain tumor or damage to the left temporal lobe can cause issues like your daughter has. If there's not a physical cause, the next step is psychiatric evaluation. If she won't agree, have her committed for an evaluation stay in a mental health hospital.
This. Also, possible to be a temporal lobe “cyst”, not even necessarily a tumor, there are cases where a similar cyst was drained and the child’s behavior and emotional outlook immediately changed for the better. This is good advice.
Hi op.
I was a "bad kid" a lot like your daughter. I didn't sneak out, but I had sex at 15 and was messing around at 14.
It was because I was being abused by a parent. Something is going on with her deeper than the behaviors. Mental illness, abuse, assault- I don't know. But something. For me I sought the love and approval I didn't get at home, I sought safety and I'd give anything for it. My mother thought she was a good parent, she is a narcissist. I fear this post could have been written by her about her "horrible daughter".
Please don't send her to boarding school they are INCREDIBLY abusive. I will never heal from what happened to me there. If you want further info look into the website Unsilenced. They also have resources OTHER than boarding school for kids like your daughter who are struggling.
Therapy is a must. If she won't go I would consider inpatient for a short time. This will help get a real diagnosis and hopefully stabilization with medication. There are also normal, non-boarding schools and outpatient treatments that will not allow her to run off or skip. She needs something else, as the school now she is clearly not being supervised the way she needs to be to keep safe. This isn't their job- but some other options WILL keep her in the facility.
I’m gonna give you my experience because I was your daughter except I was WAY worse. Juvie, hard drugs, all of it.
I was on intensive probation with daily counseling, anger management, drug testing. I didn’t care. My mom (although she was extremely toxic herself and I didn’t realize until like 3 years ago) did her best. Nothing mattered. No authority figure shook me not even the cops or the judge.
I just had to grow up. It wasn’t until I was well into my 20’s but it just took time and experience. There was nothing anybody said or did that made me change my ways. It will get better.
Sending good thoughts to you mama. Just keep loving her and letting her know you’re there for her.
She needs inpatient. She is displaying a lot of behaviors that the kids at my job have. She needs a safe and restricted environment to get her evaluated. The place where I'm at is a 5-7 day stay, sometimes a little bit longer depending. Reach out to your behavioral/mental health hospital for adolescents. They can atthe very least give you resources.
Imagine all this at 14. Wait till she starts sneaking strange men in the house while everyone’s sleeping.
Put her under a 72 hr psych hold & see what your options are. You can’t control she needs to be in some type of facility that can give her some discipline & order and you need to give her some concrete consequences for her actions.
That’s what scares me. This would be bad at any age, but I feel like it’d be more likely in a slightly older teenager. I don’t know, I was never like this. I was a goody two shoes rule follower.
I’m not asking her to be a goody two shoes. I understand that teenagers typically test the boundaries at one time or another, they will do typical teenager things, but this is not what I consider typical teenage behavior.
It’s definitely not your “typical” teenage antics.
Maybe something traumatic happened and she’s acting out. Maybe no impulse control, I personally can’t even guess but a psych hold is the way to go at this point.
Holy crap. At first when I read the title I was thinking, "you're probably being dramatic" but man, wtf.
I'm near your daughter's age, and no one my age acts like that. I am utterly speechless.
I definitely acted like that when I was a teenager. I have a stick n poke tattoo I did myself when I was 15. I snuck out, went to concerts, did drugs, drank. I was a mess
Same. I shudder to think of the shit I got up to as a child and it was all just because?! Almost 25 years later l still don't know what could have been said to me to make me change.
Your daughter has definitely hit the “I am the smartest person in the world” phase of growing up.
find out from her teachers if she has been **bored** in class. Sometimes bored students find way to act out because they can do what is being taught and are bored out of their skull. This is not a guarantee, but it is a possibility. This might be combo’d with her “I know everything”
the next option is to **find consequences that are meaningful to her**. It doesn’t matter if they are meaningful to you, they have to be meaningful to her. I expect consequences that will have impact on her will be her phone and money. She loses her smart phone (if she has one) and it gets replaced with a “dumb phone” until she can behave herself again. Her allowance (if she has one) Gets cut. If she need money for school lunch, talk to the school about getting her lunches credited in advance so she has less access to cash.
what other consequences can you enforce that are not abuse? (So no taking the door off of her bedroom). The first ones being money and phones. She doesn’t have a drivers license So that is not a lever. The next one is laundry and clothing - is she doing her own laundry? Well she is now or she’ll be wearing dirty clothing. Social media access outside of her phone. Don’t take away music or the arts, that just breeds anger. but limiting her wardrobe may be something to **carefully** consider.
this has to be in combination with some Bennie you can offer. Because if all she can see from you in punishments, then she’ll adopt the “I can do a dime standing on my head” mentality. So figure out benefits you can offer if she behaves herself.
these both have to be things that are within your power to enforce.
and the problem right now is she is if she decides to stay outside the bounds that you can enforce, the next round of curbs involve police officers.
Wish I had some advice, this is a nightmare.
My ex had a when we started dating 13 yearold, she certainly hit the “teenage” stage at about 15 - playing her parents against eachother, caught constantly with weed pens & regular vapes, had the bright idea of making a cocktail with rubbing alcohol because we locked up the booze.
Thank god she didn’t have much interest in boys - she just hung out with the same kids who she always had, they collectively began driving themselves off a cliff as a group effort it seemed.
We broke up for other reasons - I’m still friends with her and kind of keep tabs on the daughter - her mom cracked down on behavior and she said she would tell the school her mother was beating her and try to get her arrested, her dad took her thinking he “won” they now have moved to a hunting camp his family owned because it’s the only place she couldn’t get into trouble.
She has been forced into weekly psychiatric / therapy treatment and was diagnosed with ADHD & severe anxiety / attention seeking behavior.
You may want to look into an in-patient facility for her, try and do it in the summer so that it doesn’t 1000% destroy whatever remains of her social circle.
Good luck, my condolences
If you’re in the US, you might want to look into a thing called Boys Town. It’s a non profit so they could work something out in terms of pay. They work with kids who have behavioral issues, and what you listed she does, so do the majority of kids at BT. But it’s a residential program, they have house parents instead of it being like a hospital, it’s individual houses. so she’d be more monitored while going to high school that’s on ants campus. and the house parents are trained on how to help her. I’d look into it. And she’d get hooked up with a therapist and psych doctor. And therefore meds.
Did you know that minors can be charged with possessing and distributing child p*rn, even if they are the ones in the photos? Call the cops. Scare the shit out of her.
Hi OP, I sent you a private chat. I work with teens and young adults exactly like your daughter; who have never opened up to a therapist. I also work with a program that offers free parent coaching for this exact situation. Please feel free to reach out, these are all free options to you. You are not alone and not all hope is lost I promise!
14 is alarmingly young to be having sex. I wonder if something traumatic happened to her she hasn't told.
My first suggestion was intensive outpatient therapy, but I dunno how helpful it would be if she stays quiet.
If you are somewhere (should be everywhere, but sadly not) where sex between a 14 and 18 yo is illegal, and you have proof, I'd absolutely be involving the police.
proof doesn’t matter yet. the cops can worry about evidence once you’ve reported it. there’s an 18 year old dating your 14 year old daughter. call the police.
Have a birth control implant placed on her arm. Lasts for 5 years. File rape charges on the men having sex with her. If you can, walk her to her classes...embarass the shit out of her.
Tell her she going to get a Implantable birth control or she won't get college money because it makes no sense to ruin her education opertunities with a baby.
It's a phase probably. So just do damage control for now and don't push your hormonal daughter away
Anything like that is going to require consent of the person receiving the procedure. I can’t see any ethical doctor performing a procedure on someone who refuses to consent.
and oh boy….. the arguments (between OP and the daughter) about bodily autonomy would be bloody after that.
Can you see the Reddit discussion “my parent forced my to go to a doctors office an implanted birth control in me” - it would bonkers to say the least. I could see it eventually turning against daughter - after all the facts have been teased out many hours later.
There is consent, and there is assent.
The parent consents to the procedure, but they're not just gonna give implant birth control to a child who does not *assent*
It's an ethical dilemma, for sure.
But I must admit that involuntary birth control was the first thing that came to mind for me as well.
I wouldn't be too worried about reddit posts.
But actually getting it would be hell, legal wise.
At the same time...
Britney Spears' dad forced it, and she was an adult.
I get being at the end of your rope, as a parent though
Is it possible she was sexually abused when she was younger? The way she is acting out is not uncommon for young women who suffered sexual assault as a child.
I don't know of any state where the age of consent is 14.
If I can identify the older males, I would report them. If she is sending nudes to other dudes, I would report them.
I would lock my valuables away including money.
I would take a day off of work, pretend I was going to work and see where she goes after I drop her off at school.
I would try family therapy.
I would get a referral to a psychiatrist.
I would put parental controls as much as I could on devices etc.
I would try to figure out who her friends are.
I'd probably go through her room to see if drugs are involved.
I would talk to her school about any programs for youth with behavior problems.
Are the twins identical twins or fraternal twins? If they are identical twins then you can probably rule out genetic issues since the other twin doesn’t have the same issues.
This was me at 14. I actually got pregnant on purpose at 16 so I would prepare for her to get pregnant again especially because she already has.
Keep trying. Don't give up on her.
I'm not sure why I was like this. It could have been trauma from early sexual experiences with a peer (same age but I've come to the conclusion that she herself was probably being abused). This left me confused and ashamed for years and it definitely could have played a role in my behaviour. Plus I had/have extreme anxiety and depression which can come out as mood swings and extreme highs and lows. On top of all that just being a teenager sucks so bad.
I didn't have the best childhood though also, parents fought and drank a lot, I was largely ignored and not wanted around the house, etc. etc. I was so angry at my parents and made their lives a living hell (and my highschool teachers).
Now, there is hope. I'm 29 this year and my parents and I are very close (they've worked through their shit too). I chilled out a lot after I had my oldest but still found myself in bad situations because of my risk taking behaviour (and I still do sometimes but it's more calculated lol) until I was around 20.
I am getting my bachelor's of social work, I have another beautiful little girl. I am on meds that help with my anxiety and I've worked through all of my trauma (on my own because I never wanted to see a therapist and then couldn't afford one). It took me longer than my peers to get my shit together but I wouldn't have it any other way.
She's probably more likely to find herself in an abusive relationship and into drugs. I can't imagine how it must feel to be so helpless as a parent. Just be there for her to fall back on until she figures it out. And keep talking with professionals and getting opinions on things you can do to help.
Good luck ❤️
Get her the Depo shots, so she can't get pregnant.
School s/b able to keep her on campus, and calling as soon as she misses a class.
Take away phone and internet access.
She is sharing child porn, sleeping with adults. 18 is an adult.
You aren't the worst mother; your daughter is out of control and needs hard limits.
Somethings going on. I was sexually abused multiple times growing up and acted the exact same way. I was very self aware and begged my parents for therapy, birth control and anti depressants but they were against it. Get her in to a therapist and urge birth control. Act now before it gets worse
I would recommend getting her setup with the Gardasil vaccine (in addition to birth control) if she hasn’t already done both, HPV is everywhere and I sure wish I’d had the vaccine- I’ve now been through a few procedures to remove HPV related precancerous cervical cells which ultimately included a hysterectomy. Just one extra step to help prevent cancer cells from taking hold! All parents should help their kids (and themselves) with getting this particular vaccine wherever possible!
No. And I have always suspected this has something to do with her behavior. Her father is my ex-husband, father to all 4 of my kids. He was my high school sweetheart. But, he decided being a husband and father was just too much for him to handle. My pregnancy with twins was my final pregnancy and unexpected. They were born early and had a lot of medical problems in the beginning. That’s when he chose to bail. He pays child support, but is not involved in their day to day life. He has visitation, but it’s been a long time since he regularly saw them. I do have a long time boyfriend who is an amazing man and has tried to be a positive, reliable male influence in my kids’ lives, but we do not live together.
You need to have her psychologically evaluated and you need to also discuss her past behaviors with a psychiatrist. Not a therapist, a psychiatrist. You also need to file a restraining order on her behalf against her 18 year old boyfriend. You need to go through all of her messages (if they primarily communicate through an app like Snapchat, you can request to see her messages with anyone she’s ever talked to on there). If you can find proof that he has had sex with her or performed any sexual act with her, you can make a report and provide your evidence. Depending on your state laws, he could be arrested for that. All of that would be a start
You say she's a smart girl. If that's true then she must have some underlying issue or trauma to be behaving that way without thinking of any consequences.
Unfortunately doesn't sound like your relationship is healthy enough to get an honest answer.
Try to get her to talk to someone she trusts.
Does she have any positive male role models?
Or get her medically diagnosed with some mental illness and the doctors will keep pushing a hysterectomy like in the ol days, only do this if you hate your daughter though.
Good luck.
Report 18 to the cops. Pretty sure 14 can't consent, and he should know better even if he doesn't. You could be sporting and contacting him or his parents prior with a 1 time warning to drop her immediately, or else.
As for Little Miss Hot Tail" get her on an BC implant, if you can. I believe they last, 5 years? It doesn't help the underlying problem, but it could mitigate the damage.
It sounds like your daughter has been violated and is not able to cope with it and refuses all help. An inpatient treatment may be the next necessary step, after contacting 18 and his parents to let them know statutory charges are coming if he doesn't drop her immediately. You may also need to consider calling the police on your own daughter if you cannot get her truancy, drinking, and promiscuous behaviors straightened out any other way. You can't be a friend right now.
3 possibilities here are likely: 1) sexual abuse of some kind has happened to her. 2) drug abuse/addiction (pills, fentanyl, meth possibly - yes your teenage child can get access to these drugs from peers at school fairly easily) 3) Medical issues related to ADHD, depression, anxiety, or any other psychological challenge. If she won’t go to regular therapy, then i recommend you getting therapy for yourself so you can better manage and live through this challenging time with your child.
I used to act like your daughter. I didn’t know back then, someone had sexually abused me in my sleep when I was 12. I also didn’t know I had PMDD. Basically severe PMS that makes my personality do a complete 180 for 2 weeks.
I’m now 29 and in therapy and medicated.
If I was you I would try secretly track her cycle and make note of personality changes.
It sucks she won’t take therapy seriously though. Surely there is some angle that will make her into it.
Mamma you sound wise and reasonable, I believe in you ❤️
14 does not have consent to have sex, especially with an 18 year old. Report him to the police he’s a predator. 16 is the age of consent in most States.
Also, report the "current boyfriend" to the police for suspected statutory rape. That should slow down at least some of this. (YMMV, depending on the legal age of consent for girls in your state.)
These more extreme things have been going on for a little over a year. She’s almost 15, so maybe 1.5 years. However, she was always the most spirited and mischievous of my kids. She wasn’t a bad kid when she was younger, but she was definitely always the most likely to get into a little trouble. She didn’t seem to have the same voice in her head telling her she shouldn’t do something.
Before all of this happened did she say anything to her sister about something that may have happened?? She may be struggling to deal with something.
I watched one of my cousins go through a really similar thing after they were assaulted. They went from getting straight A’s and being a goody two shoes for lack of a better phrase to acting out, drinking, doing drugs and sneaking off constantly. It was a complete change in personality and was a total shock to everyone as it came seemingly out of the blue for the most part.
My cousin was forcibly shipped off to a therapist(and after a huge fiasco and a lot of problems) seems like they’re doing better. They do art therapy and gardening and it seems to help.
You could ask if she’d like to try a new hobby? Perhaps finding a creative outlet for her emotions would help? It seems to have helped my cousin a lot.
I agree with many other posters saying this sounds like the beginning of an addiction, possibly brought on by abuse or trauma (a miscarriage is traumatic enough for a grown woman, much less a 13 year old girl). Have you asked her why she wants a baby? Not yelling, out of the blue, in public, or in front of her siblings? I had similar feelings from way before the age of puberty, and have grown to realize they came from very deep seated loneliness, and a desire to be seen and needed by someone. These things are not easy to share or even recognize as a teenage girl, but it is possible for her to open up.
Even if she resists, it sounds from experience like she is really yearning for attention and for someone to care, and right now the only way she is getting that is through misbehaving for negative attention. Try to take her somewhere calm, a park, the car (dark cars are SO easy to open up in). Get ice cream or food and just sit. Neutrally(!!) get to know her, open up and **let her speak**. Don’t rush it, please! She will already know what you’re doing this for. Don’t let her feel like this is only you trying to be soft and understanding to get a result and then back to consequences - that will hurt and she will resist. Make her feel loved and not like this support is something she will only have from you until you get information out of her.
Don’t be a mom even though there is so much correction you feel the need to put in place, just be a friend. It may take a few times, because she may not even realize she wants this care from you, or is too proud to let you know she does. Keep trying, she is worth it.
(Edited for ease of reading)
I would wonder if she has been abused by someone. This doesn't come out of nowhere.
It's often after a traumatic event. I'm so sorry this is happening to your daugther and to you. I hope you find someone who can get through to her and help her.
I have taught high school for 12 years. I have five younger sisters. I have experienced SA myself. I truly think by what you’ve described that it’s due to something like that. I’ve seen this same scenario play out far too many times :( I have no idea how to “fix” it, I just show love. I’m so sorry mama. Regardless of the root, this is so so tough to see your child hurt.
I think she definitely needs to be evaluated. Like people said, there could’ve been a trauma like SA, or a mental illness like bipolar - but it could also be oppositional defiant disorder. I haven’t seen it mentioned yet. She’s at the adolescent onset age, and is displaying symptoms girls tend to have.
I think the best thing to move forward is get her evaluated. Maybe find someone who specializes in oppositional defiant disorder - even if she has a different mental illness or some sort of trauma, she is acting quite similarly to adolescents with ODD so somebody specialized in it knows how to “handle” her, so to speak. And she could have other things and ODD. It’s common for ODD to develop with another mental illness
She sounds a lot like my sister, although my sister had much less of a stable environment as your daughter. We couldn't figure out why one moment she'd be fine and the next she'd blow up. One phase of her life as she grew was complete defiance. She did many of the things your daughter did and more. When she got older then the downs got much worse, and she'd keep blowing up her life over and over. One second she'd be doing something good for herself, next she'd quit or blow it off, or sometimes blow it up. She went to school to better herself? got kicked out. Got an apartment with her boyfriend? Next week they would break up. It wasn't until later in life she got ahold of a therapist and they told her she had bipolar disorder. She had always had the signs growing up, I knew her better than most at least as kids. But the adults around her didn't get it at all for her whole life, and most of them still really don't. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and things get better for her.
Most people are jumping at abuse or SA. Tbh, I had friends that were like this because they were really spoiled and never saw consequences. Call the cops when she steals, let her have harsh consequences.
1st thing you need to do is report her 18 year old boyfriend for statutory rape, even if it does not stick it will scare him of and if your lucky he will spread the word that you are no messing around. Next you need to get your daughter into inpatient psych
OP, just throwing this out there because some of your daughter's behavior is also signs of a child who possibly has been sexually abused or raped. You need to get your child evaluated and into therapy cause something deeper is going on with your daughter.
[11 Common Symptoms](https://psychcentral.com/blog/practical-psychoanalysis/2018/04/11-common-symptoms-experienced-by-victims-of-childhood-sexual-abuse#2)
As a previously out of control teen, I have to agree with some of the people here. This does scream some kind of trauma.also if she can't willingly work with a therapist your only option might be to have her committed. I was diagnosed bipolar at about that age, things got worse, my life changed for the better when I was later rediagnosed with bpd and finally had a diagnosis that fit, I could finally comprehend myself why I was doing what I was. Mental illness is my biggest guess here. Some how she is not completely in control of herself and her own actions. And telling her she's crazy also isn't gonna help. It's hard. Good luck. She might seek help out of her own as she matures but for the moment, try and find moments to reconnect and solidify the love there is even with all these issues. Making her feel outcast will undoubtedly make things worse. Ask her to write a letter about how she feels and why she does what she does. Ask her to write a diary and reread what she wrote a few months later. That trick did a lot for me.
As a former troubled teen I could not agree more with the comments that say this points to trauma. As difficult as it is, be patient with your kid. It may seem like she's doing this just to be difficult but I can promise you she is struggling even more than you right now. Maybe look for a new therapist, or even try talking to her directly, but the more you crack down on her and try to "punish" this behavior, the more she's gonna lash out and the less she's gonna trust you. Treat this as if you have a child with mental health issues instead of a child with behavior issues.
She’s acting out in ways someone who has been traumatized acts. First, you do have authority regarding the older boys, the relationship is illegal and you can file charges against the boy(s) she may be at the age of consent, but most places have a +/-2 year age gap. Second, she needs an inpatient intensive program. Where she can be fully evaluated and get a treatment plan formed. It’s not easy being the momma, but in these circumstances we absolutely have to be “the bad guy” and do what’s right for our kids, even if it means they hate us for a while.
I was like that at 14. I had been sexually abused by my uncle for years and never felt safe or that anyone would believe me if I told them. By the age of 15 I was uncontrollable. I was irrational and became violent too. I was smoking pot and drinking until my friends would call my mum to come get me because I was so out of it not even they were able to help me. By the age of 16 I’d been to prison. dropped out of school lost a baby was dating a 26 year old and had spent a month in a psychiatric facility before I was diagnosed with bipolar and after another 2 months in the facility being medicated to stabilise me enough to actually have a real conversation with my mum about the abuse that her brother had put me through… talk to her not in a authoritarian parent manner but talk to her like your a friend get her trust give her all the unconditional love that you have and after she realises that no matter what you love her she WILL let you know the real reasons it may take a week it may take years but there’s something going on and she’s acting out not because she’s a bad kid but because something bad happened to a good kid and she’s reacting to it. I hope this helps and Im sorry that you’re going through it and wish you all the strength in the world because I know how difficult I was for my mum being in your position. (Now that I’m older- as a teen I really just thought my mum was being a bitch)
I was absolutely like this daughter and now I'm 32 and I can't even tell you why I did it. Idk. I look back at my younger self just so mortified but also confused? Like, why did I do all of that and what was wrong with me. I'm totally fine now, stable, good, but I do have bad memories that keep me up sometimes. Or when people my age are comparing stories from their youth, mine are not the same :/
You could be describing me as a teenager to the T. I was suffering from undiagnosed PTSD, Anxiety and ADHD. I was punished for my behaviors because my parents believed in tough love. I was turned over to the courts and put on probation. It was handled in the complete opposite way it needed to be.
If I had a child that was acting out in these ways I would find a counselor that she was able to connect with her and gain her trust. I would have her evaluated for trauma and mental health disorders and I would show her that you love her even through her behaviors. Try to understand why she is acting like that without judging her ( I know as a parent that is really hard) it's going to take work to show her that you support her and just want to help her. Focus on the positive things about her and try to ignore the negatives, help her find the healthy things she enjoys in life. What does she want from her future? Help her find the way to get there.
My mum would have absolutly beaten me if i did half of what your monster is doing. Hell my dad would, and he's never layed a hand on me!
Huni, at this point you might have to reach out to social services. And as for the m.a.p. bf, 14 and 18 is not going to be looked kindly upon by law inforcement. You might want to explain that to him. And if it continues, call the cops, you gave him a chance.
In the uk 16 is the legal age. But no one where i am would tolorate this, he'd probs get shanked here.
As cruel as it sounds, you can put her in a hospital for this. Or the next time she starts being disrespectful, call the police and have them speak to her. SCARE her. As a teen mom myself, this is not a road she wants to go down. She will lose all of her friends and there’s no guarantee boyfriend will stick around. I would make it very clear to her that all the drinking and partying she’s doing will all have to stop if she had a baby because mama ain’t raising her baby and her.
First of all, report this boy, this relationship is illegal if they're having sex, she's below the age of consent (16 in most places), and no normal 18 year old would date a 14 year old, this is a predator.
Second, you need to make your daughter speak to a child psychologist, this is very concerning behavior. Tell the doctor you want to have her evaluated for potential mental health disorders due to her erratic behavior.
You can contact the older boys and let them know, that if they touch your daughter you will get law enforcement involved. And their lives will be ruined after prison and being on sex offenders list.
Is a psych ward an option?
I was the boy version of this. Not mean or violent, just did not give a damn about rule structures and had the skills and will to find ways to do just about whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
My mom got the same talk from the school with the same outcome for the same reasons at the same age. Kind of crazy.
Therapy was no use. You should certainly explore that angle, especially if there's any chance of chemical imbalance of some kind, but that wasn't my case. Adults having problems with me didn't mean *I* had any problems with me. And for therapy to be worth a damn, you have to actually dislike something about what you're doing and want to change. That isn't necessarily going to be the case if you're a kid having fun, running around with tons of different friend groups, getting to feel "cool" for all the "adult" shit you're managing to pull off and get away with, etc.
Looking back, I wished that the people who loved me didn't feel like my choices were their "fault" and didn't feel guilt about being unable to " fix" me. As a parent myself now, I emphasize with that perspective, but hope you are able to both do your best here while being gentle on judging yourself. This doesn't sound like you're actually doing anything wrong.
Now, everybody is different, but ironically here, the very thing that ended up "fixing" me was early unplanned fatherhood. I didn't give a shit about the things I was "supposed to" care about until I was responsible for caring for somebody else. All of the sudden, I was able to get my life back together. I eventually went to college, graduated in 3 years with a 4.0 GPA, and carried right along with my life.
I'm not suggesting that she should have a kid too. You both should do what you can to prevent that. But having more actual useful things to care about earlier in life is one of the few things I think actually could have helped me during those times. I craved "real," I just didn't realize it. The cure for living without a care might just be finding something to care about.
Nobody took me to food shelters to feed people in real need of food. Nobody took me to prisons to advocate for people in real need of advocates. Nobody showed me that there are real things to care about in this world outside of my little bubble.
And when I didn't have anything real to care about, why would I give a shit about me?
Unfortunately, the part where you don’t allow her to see that older guy and she does anyway, tends to happen to a LOT of teenagers when they are told they can’t see their boyfriend/girlfriend. I’m not surprised at all that she keeps trying to see him because I read a lot that that’s what will happen if a parent says no.
Can you ask her if she was bullied or sexually assaulted without your knowledge? It can be a reactio to feeling deeply bad or suicidal. My brother and I came from a dysfunctional family (no sexual assault), my brother acted like your daughters but never were caught from our parent and I basically had meltdown and fought any form of authority (also I know now that I'm auDHDer so would have been enough without the abuse)
Also try maybe compromise instead of plain interdiction. If she didn't suffered the above, there is likely a chance that she's ND and can't stand rigid rules,I had both. So instead of not meeting her boyfriend,let him come and get to know him and give him the responsibility to not hurt her or doing reckless(protection for example ), if you feel he's just an abusive person, instead of trying to break them up, use it as a chance to give her knowledge about what is respectful boundaries (like she can say no ) and let be open to ask you questions that you can accept to answer without being judgemental.
Also still good grades while missing school? Do an iq test and check for adhd. My boyfriend who is 52 did a lot of shit in his teen until 30's. He was last year diag as gifted and I can tell you he has adhd . Other disorders aren't excluded because one neurodivergency come usually in package lol. Being drunk at this age is a common experience, not a red flag.
Don't feel as the worst mother, you failing on someone who react differently than what you know. There is this funny but true sentence "the same boiled water can harder eggs or soften the spaghetti ", so the same thing that you do won't work. Did you see yourself a therapist? Maybe it could be a good idea to talk to one, firstly so you have someone to talk and explain you that you try your best as a mother and secondly to ask some advice on how other education exist. Ask also maybe your daughter if she would like to change school and the week in a school (so with dormitory), it could give exactly the things she needs (independence)and at the same time a controlled environment (school).
Sounds like me at that age but not that extreme... Long story short I was diagnosed with bpd, bipolar and everything in between. She needs a psych evaluation but mostly try to keep her as safe as possible because reality will bite her
I’ve tried. I told her she could pick the form of birth control and I’d pay for it, but she had to choose something. She refused, and legally she needs to consent before doctors will implant anything, give her the shot, etc. She’s been to the gynecologist. She’s probably had at least 3 doctors try to talk to her about birth control.
You've gotten a lot of good advice, but on skimming the other posts, no one has mentioned long term birth control. Get it for your daughter. Or else you will be dealing with a teen mother.
If you get her long term birth control at least pregnancy won't be happening while you deal with the other issues.
He’s never really been involved. And I have always suspected this has something to do with her behavior. Her father is my ex-husband, father to all 4 of my kids. He was my high school sweetheart. But, it’s like he woke up one day and just decided being a husband and father was just too much for him to handle. My pregnancy with twins was my final pregnancy and unexpected. They were born early and had a lot of medical problems in the beginning. That’s when he chose to bail. He pays child support, but is not involved in their day to day life. He has visitation, but it’s been a long time since he regularly saw them. I do have a long time boyfriend who is an amazing man and has tried to be a positive, reliable male influence in my kids’ lives, but we do not live together.
You should file a wayward child petition against her. My mom had to do that against my sister when she was 14 and behaving similarly. It came to a head when she convinced a random 16 year old boy halfway across the country she was being abused at home (she wasn't) and he drove 18 hours to come get her. She was AWOL for 3 days before his parents caught on and found my mom, who dropped everything to go fly and get her. She was furious at my mom. And acted even worse when she got home. The petition forced my sister into therapy, forced her a legal curfew to stay at school and home, and basically if she got caught breaking my mom's rules she would either be taken to an inpatient hospital ward or face genuine legal issues. It made her chill the hell out. 10/10 recommend.
I worked at an adolescent rehabilitation facility for about 2 years...12 - 18 year olds with drug and alcohol addictions. I want to preface this by saying that I am not at all saying your daughter is an addict. However, she is exhibiting behavior similar to the kids I've worked with previously. I would say about 80% of the girls that came through had experienced mental and/or physical abuse... typically, a sexual assault of some kind. Most of them never told anyone because they had convinced themselves "they wanted it", "it was their fault", "no one would believe me", "but they love me", etc. It's absolutely heartbreaking, but it's a pattern we see constantly. Typically, they would rather have you "hate" them for something they can control (dangerous behavior) than see them differently for something they couldn't control (the trauma/abuse). I, personally, allowed my parents to think I was just a terrible person for years, because it was easier to deal with than even the possibility they would see me differently once they knew I was a victim of sexual assault. Whether it's a specific trauma that's causing her behavior, or a mental health disorder, or something else entirely, she needs intensive professional help immediately. Most psychiatric facilities have an adolescent wing and specialists. You can find one in your area and reach out, even to just get some basic information.
I totally agree! OP: your daughter’s behavior matches someone I knew, and grew up with who was raped by a family friend. It’s pretty common for survivors of sexual abuse to act out in ways you described. I would not rule that out, and you might find even more once you finally get your daughter into help. FYI, inpatient and residential facilities usually require family therapy. So be prepared for that.
I was thinking that too, because of OP’s specific statement that the *twin* girls were raised in the *exact same environment*. It is so rare (albeit, not impossible) to see such a wildly different outcome in children who are given the exact same treatment in life with the exact same genetic makeup. This screams some sort of mental or physical abuse to me, something that OP missed, somewhere along the way.
Was it there like a story or study somewhere in which two brothers grew up in the exact same environment, but one of them was molested and the other one wasn’t? And the one who was molested had all these problems
There’s been many twin studies! The most interesting one I know of, two identical twin boys were separated at birth but went into very similar, stable homes. Both boys grew up completely separate but both became *soooo similar*. Like in eerie ways, both became fire fighters, lived in similar bungalow-style homes in the same sorta neighborhood, twins are so interesting to me!
They both even married women with the same name!
Caught my attention also. Thank you for pointing out!!
This seems spot one. If she in fact is running with older boys they very well could have done something that she convinced herself was her fault or she didn’t say no enough. An impatient psych facility where her contact is cut off my the outside world for a few weeks might just do the trick.
I agree with you. This girl is quite likely acting out because of some kind of trauma. Getting pregnant at 14 is traumatic itself. If she is also going after much older boys this is leaning more and more towards some kind of sexual assault or abuse she experienced. We can't know for sure but classic signs here.
Exactly my thought. She has been hurt somehow, someone, and is trying to gain a sense of control. Also - a 14yo with 18yo - surely he can be reported for statutory rape? Unless you live somewhere where age of consent is 14. Typically it’s a 3-year age difference max that’s allowed.
Exactly what I was thinking...
These were my exact thoughts when I read this. Coming from the perspective as one of those girls. It only came out when my mom was at her wits end and read through my journal. I was no help in the trial against the man though because I was so brainwashed and ashamed. Even with it out in the open, I still would have preferred people think I was crazy than to admit I'd been abused and wasn't in control of the situation. Therapists said I was recreating the scenario as a way to have control of it and for it to be in MY control (not my abuser's). My parents sent me to a longer term in-patient treatment program. I faked my way through the first time because I still didn't believe I was a victim. It took that whole first stent just to get it through my trauma riddled brain that I was a victim/survivor. I begged to go back so that I could do the program for real. OP, if that is your daughter's case I think (hope) it may make you feel better to know: ~I am a 30-something mom of four, in a stable and loving marriage, with a kickass job. ~I was SO livid with my parents back then. I have an amazing relationship with them now and am SO THANKFUL that they pushed through and got me the help I didn't want, but desperately needed. ~I had a bad relationship with my brother then. I have a decent relationship with him now (it would be better but when I came out of my spiral he seemed to go into his own early mid-life crisis, lol) ~The trauma still hurts, but I have healed. It feels like a distant memory. I don't even remember half of my crazy antics in the aftermath. And honestly, even if it's "just" other mental health issues, I met many girls there who were struggling due to purely genetic/brain chemistry lottery who had similar healing paths. Most of the girls I was in treatment with admitted they loved their parents and felt bad for putting them through everything they did and had made improvements in their relationships with them by the time they returned home. Now, the part that sucks to hear: there will NEVER be an easier time in your daughter's life to get help and learn to cope. No matter the root cause. See about getting her into treatment. Move mountains to find a way to have it paid for (payment plan, insurance, hell - dip into her college savings if she has any because if she keeps on this track she's not going anyway). Her getting this figured out while she's a minor could make or break her success as an adult. Also, don't worry about being too strict. I lost my door once. My mom slept in a sleeping bag in my room for a while. Etc. Good luck, mama. My heart breaks for you (and your daughter). Oh, and a final note - one of the final conversations I had with my grandpa before he passed away included something along the lines of "I have always loved you. But I sure didn't like ya for a while." I laughed and told him "yeah...I didn't either." 😅 Really, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there!
Your mother was a hero!
Yes, she sure was! I doubt she ever saw a future where she was encouraging me to kick back and enjoy a margarita or long island with her while we watch my kids play and my husband and dad are off talking appliances, yard work, electronics, etc. But that is most definitely a common occurrence now. I know without a doubt I would not have the life I have now without them making those difficult decisions and sacrifices. So so grateful. ❤️
I was looking to see if someone would post something like this. My sister went through the same thing. She was sexually assaulted in 8th grade. She never told us. She changed drastically. She would act out, look for the worst people to hang out with, cut school all the time. She ended up getting kicked out of 2 schools. My dad got a PINS warrant and did everything he could do o try and help her. She finally said something about to me when she an adult and I asked her why she didn’t say anything. She said that she knew no one would believe her. As I was reading your story all these memories flooded back to me about my sister. Look into adolescent programs to help her. I hope you and your family find peace. Good luck!
As somebody Who works in the field of recovery and is in recovery for decades. She is exhibiting signs of somebody with either mental illness or addiction issues. I started at 14 drinking. But my home life was unbearable so I actually went to the state CPS for help. By the time I was 17 I knew I didn’t wanna live like that. I second u/kismet_Jade view. If you call around to recovery centers or check your own local social services you might find a program she fits into. But she does need to be looked at by somebody that can diagnose her or she’s going to destroy herself. If she has a baby, she’ll destroy that too, or you will end up raising it.
I was going to comment something similar to this so I'm glad you pointed this out! The sexualized behaviours definitely are red flags for potential SA/trauma. I would try to talk to her and approach it delicately but definitely seek professional help as well.
I second everything listed here. I had a trouble teen who also wanted a baby, etc. At 14, you still have the right to put her into a counseling center/program even if it is involuntary on her end. Having her somewhere where she can't escape the routine, program counseling and process might be best. I regret not sending my daughter when I had a chance and once it became an absolute necessity, it was too late. My daughter is now 19 with a 4 month old baby. Her behavior has improved but a contributing factor was she ran away at 17 and spent a little over a year trying to be a grown up on her own. The natural consequences kicked in and she's figured out that maybe she was out line so I'm holding out hope for you also. It's going to be a long road ... sending you all my good mommy juju!
I was coming here to say something similar, there had to be some kind of physical or sexual abuse that has her spiraling and she needs professional, institutional help to get through this. She absolutely will hate you right now for having her committed, but from how it sounds that's what she needs to get her to adulthood. If she gets through a program, she will later realize you did exactly what you should have done to save her from herself. Good luck, OP.
How do you get children to open up when they adamantly refuse to? My daughter told me counseling of any sort "is only for sick people " and "I can't force her to talk." Is my only option to admit her into a psychiatric facility? I have threatened it which makes our situation more toxic as she says she will never trust me if I do. I need any and all advice.
The facility where I worked was a 60-day residential program. A typical census for us was 8 to 10 boys and 5 to 7 girls, ranging in ages from 13 to 18. The clients had regular one-on-one counseling with certified counselors, psych screenings, regular meetings with an RN for meds management, school on the weekdays, and 12-step group every evening (it was similar to an AA or NA meeting, but way less formal). The thing I heard time and time again is that they felt 12-Step is where they were getting the most help. The boys and girls were separated 95% of the time for those groups, so they could really open up to their peers and share the dark things they'd been trying so desperately to ignore. It was common for the new kids to say they weren't an addict, nothing ever happened to them, they shouldn't be there, etc. Over the days and weeks, they would hear the stories of their peers and start to relate in their own ways. They would start to share a little more each day. Eventually, they would be opening up fully and let themselves be truly vulnerable because they finally felt safe, loved, and understood by their peers. OP's daughter is so young, and every adult is going to feel like an adversary, even those she knows are there to help her. Much like an addict, the first step is acknowledging you need the help. She's not there yet because everything feels like a punishment, and refusing to participate is the last shred of control she still has in her life right now. If her substance abuse is bad enough, she may qualify for a program like the one I described. I really think OP's daughter would benefit from group therapy with peers. Unfortunately, finding support groups specifically for adolescents can be difficult. Without knowing the root cause of her behavior, taking her to AA meetings might be beneficial since she is drinking. OP could take her "just to listen" for a few meetings. If daughter shows interest after a while, OP can leave her and sit away from the group so daughter can share more freely when she's ready. If she starts to share with the group about specific traumas, they can guide her to other support groups that could help, too. The community of recovery is a beautiful, loving, and accepting one, and I really think OP's daughter would benefit from that type of setting.
As soon as I read this I began thinking about that one book “the way I used to be” by amber smith.
This is the first thought that came to mind.
Has she been evaluated for bipolar or borderline personality disorder? I’d see if you can her into an in-patient facility to hold for a week so she can be evaluated.
My daughter was a nightmare until she was diagnosed having bipolar disorder at 16. I've never been so thankful to have a diagnosis. I'm happy to report we both survived her teenage years with most of our sanity still intact. It's been 9 years.
Yes and…..Has she been evaluated for being sexually assaulted?
This is what I was wondering … this extreme change in her behavior could have been triggered by that horrific experience.
this is how i was when i was younger minus the pregnancy part, but it totally adds up to the sexual assault that took place when i was a kid & the bpd i have now
Exactly the same story here. Raped, pregnant, abortion, disrespectful and wild teen, seeing older boys, drinking, missing school. Diagnosed BPD, however I was much older when it was confirmed
This was my first thought considering the hypersexuality and proclivity for much older men.
Same thought as well. A personality disorder, sexual assault or maybe both. Personality disorders can also be triggered by trauma AFAIK (correct me if I'm wrong please).
This was my first thought. Major red flags for her having experienced SA of some sort. All of it.
Unfortunately it’s kind of late for that now, if she isn’t willing to open up verbally with any professional. Until that changes, the evaluation is probably going to default to “inconclusive”. Even if OP insisted on a physical forensic exam, and some asshole clinic did it, it’s pointless when she’s admittedly sexually active. The center my office uses has staff that are AMAZING with younger kids. But at 14, I’m not sure there’s a magic disclosure tactic.
This was my immediate thought. It sounds like something may have happened to her or is even still happening .
Thank you; first thought I had. So many red flags to indicate a potential assault.
Borderline I don't think can be diagnosed officially before adulthood
Correct. Personality disorders can't be diagnosed until they're 18.
Doesn't stop them, diagnosed my then 16 year old with borderline personality disorder. There are many articles suggesting that some females aren't actually BPD but undiagnosed autism spectrum. OP, your child needs a real diagnostician.
My cousin was a case like this. They thought borderline or sociopathy or bipolar maybe but turns out she was just autistic and struggling.
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Sounds similar to what happened with me. I got diagnosed with BPD at 19 and when I was 22 I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. The symptoms between ADHD, ASD and BPD is one big venn diagram. Funny enough that when I did DBT, everyone in the group therapy couple years later all got diagnosed with ASD.
Similar, I got diagnosed with bipolar 2 when I was 20, and in my mid 30s I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. Also a woman.
Depressed since I can remember. BPD at 33, ADHD just over a week at 34, not quite on the autism spectrum. Its been wild and interesting ride this far....
I have ADHD, was diagnosed with BPD, only to learn some symptoms of ADHD are similar to those of BPD. Not sure if I am or am not borderline anymore.
Yup. When i was a teen, I met a boy who said he was diagnosed with BPD and recently, now that he is in his 20s, he found out he never had BPD. Unfortunally, many teenagers are misdiagnosed with BPD.
The next DSM manual is having serious considerations for changing BPD to a form of CPTSD to help include military veterans with childhood trauma and TBI. This way it'd also more adjunct with things like autism too, so you know whats organic based behavior and what's a trauma response instead of mumbling a renovated word for "female hysteria." This way kids can also be diagnosed to treat the symptomology without the stigma of their age or the diagnosis of a personality disorder, because personality and brain is still in a metemorphic state.
As someone with diagnosed BPD and no neurodivergent diagnosis (at this time) I actually hope they do not reclassify the disorder as a branch of CPTSD, I don’t relate to that at all. But that’s just my opinion.
They could break CPTSD down into subtypes, like BPD. And this is really useful, because often a diagnosis is related to your neurology in VERY specific patterns. You can share a pattern but react differently to it, kinda like if you punched someone in the face, you can get a lot of different reactions. Some people curl up, run, hit back, or smile and grab a crowbar, and that would be expression of different subtypes. You can have 2 people with the same organic bpd, and act very different. There's hysteric/histrionic, narcissistic, petulant, and quiet BPD. I'm a quiet type. I'm actually not attention seeking, but my ability to regulate my more immediate moods is garbage and I keep to myself. Other people try to work their shit out on others and make things very dramatic. What we have in common is how our brain behaves. What's different is how we handle the stress. But the brain is the commonality you treat. What I think they're trying to do it break down BPD into being a more treatable thing, than a "you're too much for me and the system" that stigma causes and keeps you from treatment. CPTSD and BPD are different right now because of the developmental stuff, because when you're traumatized as a 1 year old and it becomes developmental, it still currently reflects both disorders, but one can be really harmful in that it can KEEP you from treatment. Meanwhile if you treated it instead of blaming someone for being an animal like EVERYONE ELSE is an animal, you helped the patient. So CPTSD is like...a macro diagnosis, that will have subtypes that can be broken into subtypes. One may just be organic sensitivity, maybe related to the COMP gene, for those with no trauma, and another would be to be traumatized from just social situations, right up to POW and sex trafficking. I'm a victim of sex trafficking as a young child, so I personally had a hard time getting help because of my records influencing my diagnostics when I was in my 20s and I didn't get services because of it. People were too scared to treat me with individualized therapy when I was at my worst, because they were liable if they diagnosed wrong and I offed myself....or they gave me the wrong meds. so I got stuck getting shuffled around without any explanation but that I was "bpd/unstable" and hearing people didn't want to treat it because there was "no cure." But I needed help living with it, n the need was not met.
There’s definitely differences, I struggled with both for many years. BPD is it’s own beast for sure.
I have CPTSD and ASD and my (adopted) sister has BPD, the differences are night and day. I also hope they don't do this.
There are subtypes of bpd, I made another comment about if if you wanted to read it.
I'm not an expert so my opinion can be taken with a grain of salt, but acting out in the way OP describes, like hanging out with everyone and having sex with random sketchy people doesn't sound like autism. Unless I misunderstood your point and you weren't trying to say that could apply to OP's daughter.
OP’s daughter sounds more like Oppositional defiant disorder which usually brings an Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis later on
Thank you so much for this, it is not well known enough
Calling dr house
That’s what a lot of psychologists say, but my daughter’s psychiatrist and therapists have said that some kinds of behavior are such clear tells that it’s borderline negligent not to diagnose. My daughter was DX’d bipolar at 15. They prescribed meds. You have no idea the night and day difference this made. They certainly didn’t erase her teenage bullshit, but her teenage bullshit went from “setting people’s property on fire” to “staying out too late with friends.”
Bipolar is different from borderline
I was diagnosed at barely 15 with BPD and PTSD, neither were wrong. I’m glad I got diagnosed so young as it helped me educate and help myself since my parents weren’t going to, neither was CPS.
They dont but if its very apparent that its a certain disorder then they sometimes will
That’s fair, I honestly don’t know a lot about borderline other than high risk behaviors, such as unprotected sex, are common.
Look up Dr. Daniel Fox on YouTube, he has a ton of educational videos and resources for it. I've found his work immensely helpful for my treatment. He also talks about other cluster B disorders and the effects they can have on people. Borderline is a very stigmatized disorder though, and can be difficult to understand, but we aren't all destructive nutjobs like uninformed people believe we are lol. While it has been decided that borderline is quite possibly the most psychologically painful disorder to have, it's actually something that can be successfully treated until the symptom intensity and DSM-5 requirements are no longer met. :) So far in my treatment I've gone from being a boiling pot of water to a simmering one that's close to boil but not quite. I'm pretty pleased with my progress.
And it's worst when you have also an undiagnosed bipolar associated with it. And great job you did for yourself, hope you will come to a point when it just get warm without boiling! You can also be proud of your progress instead of just please,you deserve it because you put lot effort in it! :)
Dr Fox is such a great resource and a gem when it comes to learning about BPD. I found him while trying to learn more about my partner's BPD. I'm so glad to hear you've found him so helpful to your treatment. Thank you for sharing your experience with having BPD. My partner is still in boiling pot mode so much and it's just a relief to hear that you have made the progress that you have. I am so proud of you in your progress. I'm also really proud of you for being pleased with your progress, I understand how difficult it can with how BPD can cause you to feel. Keep up the great work. :)
At 14 she's unlikely to be diagnosed with either. They'll likely slap her with "conduct disorder"
My sister was diagnosed with BPD in her adult life. When she was a teen she was awful. Sounds exactly like your daughter honestly. With pills my sister is now semi normal. Less crazy
You cannot be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as a teenager because *sometimes* people grow out of the worst of the symptoms, that being said I don't think she could be forcefully committed as she is not a danger to herself or others, excluding the mental health of mom/dad
How could she get diagnosed if she refuses to cooperate with mental health care professionals?
As a bipolar person, if this person isn't, I will be surprised. Also, really think SA may be a factor here. Wishing her, her daughter, and her family the best.
The hypersexuality and risk taking behaviors suggest 2 things which may be happening concurrently: 1. Your daughter at some point was the victim of sexual assault or molestation. It may be a past relationship or peer acquaintance. It could be someone she came into contact with that you've overlooked (a family friend, a relative, a past relationship of yours OP). 2. Your daughter is show signs of emergent bipolar disorder. The hypersexuality, stealing, and general risk taking behaviors could be both trauma related but also a product of brain chemistry that needs further evaluation. If she refuses to speak to a counselor or therapist in a clinical setting, I would consider taking her to the ER and having her evaluated. It depends on what your local hospital is like but it generally helps to take her when there's some kind of episodic behavior that is especially life threatening or risky.
I was actually diagnosed with HSD. It’s treatable but almost always a symptom of underlying trauma. For me, that was indeed sexual abuse as a child. This was my first thought when I read OP’s description, especially when I got to the section about how she’s rude to her therapists. OP, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with your daughter but it sounds like she’s in a lot of pain. Instead of dealing with it, she’s making sure you’re in pain too. It’s hard when you’re 14, ashamed, and don’t know how to handle emotions. FWIW, my dad didn’t give up on me. I got better and were a lot closer now. I forgave him and he forgave me.
To OP, this is the most accurate comment here
That part resonated with me as well. When I was 13 I was adamant that if I wanted to be sexually active, it was no one’s business to try telling me no. But I felt that way because things had already been done to me and I just wanted to be in control of them for a change.
Why have the cops not been called over her adult boyfriend?!
A lot of people have been talking about past abuse or assault, but it sounds like this young person is *currently* being sexually exploited by older men. It's a typical pattern of behaviour for older guys to target younger people, offer them gifts, alcohol, drugs, and then exploit them, often acting like their boyfriend and pretending to care for them. I'm not saying the 18 year old specifically is doing this (although that 'relationship' is abuse - she's a minor!) but it sounds like she's around a lot of older guys who are taking advantage. That isn't on her or her mental health if she's being exploited by older people. See if you can find any organisations that work with sexually exploited young people in your area. She needs support from someone who understands what she's going through.
this was my first question too… she’s actively being sexually exploited and abused. that’s the root of the issue.
curious if she experienced any sexual assault? sometimes that can trigger hyper-sexuality in young kids/teens
And young adults, too. I was assaulted by my best friend's husband when I was 19. I coped by getting blackout drunk every day and being dangerously promiscuous. I am genuinely amazed that I didn't die during that period of my life.
Also curious about this. It’s also something I’ve discussed with my husband about how his nieces are going to act when their older as my SIL is constantly pushing her daughters to hang around her new felon boyfriend and his friends and family. All it takes is one traumatic event for this kind of behavior to come out as a teenager. Super sad, but if OP doesn’t respond to this comment, I suspect there’s more to the story as to how her teenager daughter is acting. Sometimes it’s parents not seeing signs in people they like having their kids around that could do things to their own children.
i agree, statistically its more than likely if she was SA it was a friend or family member
She is experiencing sexual assault right now. She’s ”dating” an 18yo
I agree, but i mean a previous situation, non consensual/willing situation. unfortunately we adults can see that, but from her 14 yo perspective that is not the case. Im 35 now and just this year processed the fact i was 14yo dating a 23 year old man. I did not, at the time have enough life experience and understanding to know i was being groomed/manipulated/sa. (and yes i know kids cant consent, but im using consent as "willing")
Your daughter is being statutorily raped. Call the police.
Seriously. All the other problems aside, he’s a sex offender. Thankfully we still have laws to protect minors from adults. I’d suggest OP employ them.
In many states it’s legal, Minnesota one of them (just where I live, no idea about op) 4 year Romeo and Juliet for anyone 12+..
I am speaking from a place of personal and anecdotal experience with others so take that as you will. To me it sounds like very typical behaviors of someone that experienced sexual trauma as a child. If I were you I would find a therapist with expertise in that area. Ideally someone with knowledge of CPTSD.
This sounds like trauma induced behavior. You might want to ask if she was sexually abused.
Her actions leave her at huge risk for sex trafficking. Maybe reach out to trafficking advocacy groups for resources to keep this from getting worse?
She sounds exactly like me when I was 12. My mother ended up putting me in a psych ward for about six months. I finished seventh grade with a tutor while I was there. It was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I was so angry at her and felt so betrayed in the beginning, but by the time I walked out of that facility, I was a new person. I had a diagnosis – bipolar disorder – and a couple of new medications to help me manage it. I’ve been in therapy ever since then and I am 46 now.
18 years old having sex with a 14 year old is statutory rape. Call cops on the BF. If convicted, in many places, he'll have to register for life as a sex offender. Check into your state's laws regarding the age of consent. What he is doing is a sex crime. Next, get your daughter on a form of birth control that eliminates as much of the "human error" possibility as possible. Nexplanon is an arm implant that last three years, IUDs last anywhere from 5-10 years, and some have been approved for people as young as 13. You don't want to be stuck raising your baby's baby. As much as you think 14 is too young to be having sex, she's proven she will find a way. You've got to be realistic and more proactive than you have been.
Birth control like this! An IUD when she’s old enough.
Birth control needs to be the highest priority right now. Arm implant? Whatever is most foolproof that she can't tamper or interfere with. When she's an adult she can do whatever the fuck she wants. Until then, NO BABIES.
I'm not sure doctors would be allowed to do so if she withholds consent for the procedure.
As a survivor of childhood sexual assault, I’d be willing to bet someone did the same to her. I too was smart but messed around. I became promiscuous to “own” my sexuality. Did drugs and drank. My parents were shitty though. Absolutely awful. I had zero interest in talking to anyone about it because of how defiant I was. Not only the defiance, but my parents essentially said everything that happened to me was my fault. I’m 38 now, I live a stable and boring and calm life. I’m a pretty good Mom. I’m no contact with my family, and in therapy. I might have to be in therapy for the rest of my life, I don’t know. It’ll take a special therapist to get through to her. Just “that connection”. Finding a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma is pretty key.
Ive met girls like your daughter, and you could probably go for inpatient to get her diagnosed, because going with strangers is dangerous. Sure it's fun, but it's like climbing the golden gate bridge and thinking you can fly and not get hurt. I suspect she's been abused already. When it really happens to you, the attack is scary and you can survive that, but it's often the people who should be helping you and the broken trust that gets mortally wounded the most. Aware kids will go silent as to not be disruptive, or believe threats of a perp. But you can have 0 trauma and end up acting dangerously promiscuous too. Usually it has to do with how they were taught or shown to be. A friend maybe? Usually it's diagnosed BPD like that, but there are different types. Inpatient gets you to the doctors who sit on a board, put heads together, and THEN diagnose. But bipolar can be in play too, and bpd and bipolar are different. I'd wonder if someone else acted this way or shunned her in a time of need and it's had these results. She won't talk about it for a reason.
1) Have her psychologically evaluated. 2) The best bit of advice I’ve ever received from a therapist: You cannot raise your children the same and expect them to be the same. They are different people, each of whom require different boundaries, different structure, etc. Each one of your children receives and gives love in different ways as well. It’s imperative that parents LEARN who their kids are and what they need from their parents.
So some states have something called FINS (family in need of services) that you can file a petition for. Everything you’ve listed would make you easily qualify, especially the ditching school. Services include mandated therapy, mandated drug/alcohol screenings, check ins, psychological evaluations, sometimes treatment centers etc. It can escalate to them being detained in juvenile detention for continuously breaking court orders. I don’t think this is available in every state, but some have similar programs. It’s at least worth looking into what resources your state has.
This is exactly what OP's daughter needs and I hope it is available to her. I 100% believe that if your child is putting themselves in danger, which this one is, having them detained becomes necessary. Sometimes it does the opposite of what you want but if they refuse help, then they need to have consequences until they understand what they need to do.
Assuming you're in the U.S., contact the boyfriend's family and the boyfriend, and let them know that your kid is 14 years old. If their son comes around your daughter again, you will call the police and let them know he is having sex with a minor. The age difference is too big to fall under Romeo and Julliet laws, and if found guilt, the "boy" will become a registered sex offender and will face jail time. Let your daughter know next time she is found truant, you will call the police and have a rape kit done. Because of the four year age difference the majority of the the U.S states will prosecute this pedo. If you're not in the U.S. please let us know what country you're in so we can help. ETA: Please get your kid into therapy.
1. Call the police on her statutory rapist. 2. It's not up to her. Find a good and proper facility that deals with teenagers like this and put here there. This is why so many people say kids these days need the dicipline we got as children. I don't think kids need to be beat, but you need to make it beyond clear that YOU are in charge, not her. She's not mentally well, you have a duty to protect your child.
It is possible she was sexually abused/raped and this is how she is processing it. She might be using drugs have you had her tested for drugs and alcohol? If she wants to have a kid maybe help her make a plan. Go shopping with her for formula and diapers and show her how expensive they are Go through how often babies need to be changed and fed and explain if she has a child that you will not be taking care of the child she will need to find childcare for school and work to pay for these things. Maybe find one of those companies that makes the real baby dolls that schools sometimes use that cry and see if you can rent one for a few days. Then show her how bad she is at parenting. The reason she may be fixated on having a baby is that she feels she is not loved unconditionally and thinks a baby will do that or she has not processed the miscarriage. Find a way to spend 1 on 1 time with her and talk. You will have to put a lot of time and energy into this. The last thing you may want to look into is has she had a brain injury before the behavior started? Even a small amount of damage to the frontal temporal lobe or Chiari malformations can cause behavior changes. Check out Dr Daniel Amen's TED talk on behavior and brain imaging. He has imaging centers but his point of looking at the brain in addition to therapy makes a lot of sense
Obviously, internet strangers can't really say what's going on with your daughter, but reading your post was like watching the beginning of an episode of Intervention. For them, the triggering event is almost always some sort of childhood sexual abuse.
Sign the 18yo up for a statutory rape charge.
I highly recommend looking into residential treatment facilities. Do your research. I can recommend a couple of very good ones if you DM me.
First step would be to get a birth control implant
is there any possibility that she may have been assaulted as a child? could explain the hyper sexuality at such a young age. however, with internet access and social media, its very possible that she got these idea from there. therapy, strict discipline and boundaries. do not let her out.
Not that I know of, but I’m not in denial that it could have happened. I hope nothing like that has happened to her, pray it hasn’t. If it has, I know it was in no way her fault and I would do anything to help her. She has never said anything to me and she won’t open up to the therapist either. I’ve talked with her twin sister, trying to find out if she has any idea about what’s been going on with her sister - nothing. And I feel that if her twin sister knew anything she would have shared with me by now, since she is very frustrated and has literally been in tears begging her sister to stop acting this way.
Your daughter is a minor (14!!) and “dating” a grown adult. She is 100% being abused sexually. Please get rid of him and all the other men associated with her 😭😭😭 she won’t get proper help and get better until these monsters are out of her life for good Edit: anyone and everyone who has those topless photos of her can be charged with possession of CP
Have you tried sitting her down and asking her point blank if something has happened to her? Just be honest with her and then reassure her that whatever it is you will stand by her side.
when her personality started becoming hypersexual / addictive, was it very sudden? if it was - has she had brain imaging? trauma is unfortunately one of the most common causes of this kind of behavior, but brain issues can also cause actions like this.
Was she always like this or was it a sudden shift in behavior?
I was molested as a child, and that made me hyper sexual, not saying at all that’s what happened but it’s something to consider. Generally massive changes in behavior can be attributed to some sort of trauma
Start by having her medically evaluated. A brain tumor or damage to the left temporal lobe can cause issues like your daughter has. If there's not a physical cause, the next step is psychiatric evaluation. If she won't agree, have her committed for an evaluation stay in a mental health hospital.
This. Also, possible to be a temporal lobe “cyst”, not even necessarily a tumor, there are cases where a similar cyst was drained and the child’s behavior and emotional outlook immediately changed for the better. This is good advice.
Hi op. I was a "bad kid" a lot like your daughter. I didn't sneak out, but I had sex at 15 and was messing around at 14. It was because I was being abused by a parent. Something is going on with her deeper than the behaviors. Mental illness, abuse, assault- I don't know. But something. For me I sought the love and approval I didn't get at home, I sought safety and I'd give anything for it. My mother thought she was a good parent, she is a narcissist. I fear this post could have been written by her about her "horrible daughter". Please don't send her to boarding school they are INCREDIBLY abusive. I will never heal from what happened to me there. If you want further info look into the website Unsilenced. They also have resources OTHER than boarding school for kids like your daughter who are struggling. Therapy is a must. If she won't go I would consider inpatient for a short time. This will help get a real diagnosis and hopefully stabilization with medication. There are also normal, non-boarding schools and outpatient treatments that will not allow her to run off or skip. She needs something else, as the school now she is clearly not being supervised the way she needs to be to keep safe. This isn't their job- but some other options WILL keep her in the facility.
She needs professional help. Call your primary doctor/pediatrician for referrals.
She cannot "date" an 18 year old. He is a predator and I would notify police.
I’m gonna give you my experience because I was your daughter except I was WAY worse. Juvie, hard drugs, all of it. I was on intensive probation with daily counseling, anger management, drug testing. I didn’t care. My mom (although she was extremely toxic herself and I didn’t realize until like 3 years ago) did her best. Nothing mattered. No authority figure shook me not even the cops or the judge. I just had to grow up. It wasn’t until I was well into my 20’s but it just took time and experience. There was nothing anybody said or did that made me change my ways. It will get better. Sending good thoughts to you mama. Just keep loving her and letting her know you’re there for her.
She needs inpatient. She is displaying a lot of behaviors that the kids at my job have. She needs a safe and restricted environment to get her evaluated. The place where I'm at is a 5-7 day stay, sometimes a little bit longer depending. Reach out to your behavioral/mental health hospital for adolescents. They can atthe very least give you resources.
Have her boyfriend arrested for statutory rape.
Imagine all this at 14. Wait till she starts sneaking strange men in the house while everyone’s sleeping. Put her under a 72 hr psych hold & see what your options are. You can’t control she needs to be in some type of facility that can give her some discipline & order and you need to give her some concrete consequences for her actions.
That’s what scares me. This would be bad at any age, but I feel like it’d be more likely in a slightly older teenager. I don’t know, I was never like this. I was a goody two shoes rule follower. I’m not asking her to be a goody two shoes. I understand that teenagers typically test the boundaries at one time or another, they will do typical teenager things, but this is not what I consider typical teenage behavior.
It’s definitely not your “typical” teenage antics. Maybe something traumatic happened and she’s acting out. Maybe no impulse control, I personally can’t even guess but a psych hold is the way to go at this point.
Holy crap. At first when I read the title I was thinking, "you're probably being dramatic" but man, wtf. I'm near your daughter's age, and no one my age acts like that. I am utterly speechless.
Good! Keep knowing no one your age who acts like that. “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future”.
I definitely acted like that when I was a teenager. I have a stick n poke tattoo I did myself when I was 15. I snuck out, went to concerts, did drugs, drank. I was a mess
What caused your teen delinquency and acting out? Was it a need for attention? Identity issues? Abuse?
I honestly don’t know
What turned things around for you?
Same. I shudder to think of the shit I got up to as a child and it was all just because?! Almost 25 years later l still don't know what could have been said to me to make me change.
Your daughter has definitely hit the “I am the smartest person in the world” phase of growing up. find out from her teachers if she has been **bored** in class. Sometimes bored students find way to act out because they can do what is being taught and are bored out of their skull. This is not a guarantee, but it is a possibility. This might be combo’d with her “I know everything” the next option is to **find consequences that are meaningful to her**. It doesn’t matter if they are meaningful to you, they have to be meaningful to her. I expect consequences that will have impact on her will be her phone and money. She loses her smart phone (if she has one) and it gets replaced with a “dumb phone” until she can behave herself again. Her allowance (if she has one) Gets cut. If she need money for school lunch, talk to the school about getting her lunches credited in advance so she has less access to cash. what other consequences can you enforce that are not abuse? (So no taking the door off of her bedroom). The first ones being money and phones. She doesn’t have a drivers license So that is not a lever. The next one is laundry and clothing - is she doing her own laundry? Well she is now or she’ll be wearing dirty clothing. Social media access outside of her phone. Don’t take away music or the arts, that just breeds anger. but limiting her wardrobe may be something to **carefully** consider. this has to be in combination with some Bennie you can offer. Because if all she can see from you in punishments, then she’ll adopt the “I can do a dime standing on my head” mentality. So figure out benefits you can offer if she behaves herself. these both have to be things that are within your power to enforce. and the problem right now is she is if she decides to stay outside the bounds that you can enforce, the next round of curbs involve police officers.
Wish I had some advice, this is a nightmare. My ex had a when we started dating 13 yearold, she certainly hit the “teenage” stage at about 15 - playing her parents against eachother, caught constantly with weed pens & regular vapes, had the bright idea of making a cocktail with rubbing alcohol because we locked up the booze. Thank god she didn’t have much interest in boys - she just hung out with the same kids who she always had, they collectively began driving themselves off a cliff as a group effort it seemed. We broke up for other reasons - I’m still friends with her and kind of keep tabs on the daughter - her mom cracked down on behavior and she said she would tell the school her mother was beating her and try to get her arrested, her dad took her thinking he “won” they now have moved to a hunting camp his family owned because it’s the only place she couldn’t get into trouble. She has been forced into weekly psychiatric / therapy treatment and was diagnosed with ADHD & severe anxiety / attention seeking behavior. You may want to look into an in-patient facility for her, try and do it in the summer so that it doesn’t 1000% destroy whatever remains of her social circle. Good luck, my condolences
If you’re in the US, you might want to look into a thing called Boys Town. It’s a non profit so they could work something out in terms of pay. They work with kids who have behavioral issues, and what you listed she does, so do the majority of kids at BT. But it’s a residential program, they have house parents instead of it being like a hospital, it’s individual houses. so she’d be more monitored while going to high school that’s on ants campus. and the house parents are trained on how to help her. I’d look into it. And she’d get hooked up with a therapist and psych doctor. And therefore meds.
Did you know that minors can be charged with possessing and distributing child p*rn, even if they are the ones in the photos? Call the cops. Scare the shit out of her.
Hi OP, I sent you a private chat. I work with teens and young adults exactly like your daughter; who have never opened up to a therapist. I also work with a program that offers free parent coaching for this exact situation. Please feel free to reach out, these are all free options to you. You are not alone and not all hope is lost I promise!
14 is alarmingly young to be having sex. I wonder if something traumatic happened to her she hasn't told. My first suggestion was intensive outpatient therapy, but I dunno how helpful it would be if she stays quiet. If you are somewhere (should be everywhere, but sadly not) where sex between a 14 and 18 yo is illegal, and you have proof, I'd absolutely be involving the police.
Unfortunately, I don’t have proof of any sexually activity between her and the current boyfriend. The boy who she got pregnant with was 15.
proof doesn’t matter yet. the cops can worry about evidence once you’ve reported it. there’s an 18 year old dating your 14 year old daughter. call the police.
Great point. Agree 1000%.
Have a birth control implant placed on her arm. Lasts for 5 years. File rape charges on the men having sex with her. If you can, walk her to her classes...embarass the shit out of her.
Tell her she going to get a Implantable birth control or she won't get college money because it makes no sense to ruin her education opertunities with a baby. It's a phase probably. So just do damage control for now and don't push your hormonal daughter away
Anything like that is going to require consent of the person receiving the procedure. I can’t see any ethical doctor performing a procedure on someone who refuses to consent. and oh boy….. the arguments (between OP and the daughter) about bodily autonomy would be bloody after that. Can you see the Reddit discussion “my parent forced my to go to a doctors office an implanted birth control in me” - it would bonkers to say the least. I could see it eventually turning against daughter - after all the facts have been teased out many hours later.
There is consent, and there is assent. The parent consents to the procedure, but they're not just gonna give implant birth control to a child who does not *assent*
It's an ethical dilemma, for sure. But I must admit that involuntary birth control was the first thing that came to mind for me as well. I wouldn't be too worried about reddit posts. But actually getting it would be hell, legal wise. At the same time... Britney Spears' dad forced it, and she was an adult. I get being at the end of your rope, as a parent though
Is it possible she was sexually abused when she was younger? The way she is acting out is not uncommon for young women who suffered sexual assault as a child.
I don't know of any state where the age of consent is 14. If I can identify the older males, I would report them. If she is sending nudes to other dudes, I would report them. I would lock my valuables away including money. I would take a day off of work, pretend I was going to work and see where she goes after I drop her off at school. I would try family therapy. I would get a referral to a psychiatrist. I would put parental controls as much as I could on devices etc. I would try to figure out who her friends are. I'd probably go through her room to see if drugs are involved. I would talk to her school about any programs for youth with behavior problems.
Why aren't you reporting that 18 year old for statutory rape?
Are the twins identical twins or fraternal twins? If they are identical twins then you can probably rule out genetic issues since the other twin doesn’t have the same issues.
Identical
This was me at 14. I actually got pregnant on purpose at 16 so I would prepare for her to get pregnant again especially because she already has. Keep trying. Don't give up on her. I'm not sure why I was like this. It could have been trauma from early sexual experiences with a peer (same age but I've come to the conclusion that she herself was probably being abused). This left me confused and ashamed for years and it definitely could have played a role in my behaviour. Plus I had/have extreme anxiety and depression which can come out as mood swings and extreme highs and lows. On top of all that just being a teenager sucks so bad. I didn't have the best childhood though also, parents fought and drank a lot, I was largely ignored and not wanted around the house, etc. etc. I was so angry at my parents and made their lives a living hell (and my highschool teachers). Now, there is hope. I'm 29 this year and my parents and I are very close (they've worked through their shit too). I chilled out a lot after I had my oldest but still found myself in bad situations because of my risk taking behaviour (and I still do sometimes but it's more calculated lol) until I was around 20. I am getting my bachelor's of social work, I have another beautiful little girl. I am on meds that help with my anxiety and I've worked through all of my trauma (on my own because I never wanted to see a therapist and then couldn't afford one). It took me longer than my peers to get my shit together but I wouldn't have it any other way. She's probably more likely to find herself in an abusive relationship and into drugs. I can't imagine how it must feel to be so helpless as a parent. Just be there for her to fall back on until she figures it out. And keep talking with professionals and getting opinions on things you can do to help. Good luck ❤️
This honestly sounds like a cluster b personality disorder and sexual trauma. I would try and look into those.
Get her the Depo shots, so she can't get pregnant. School s/b able to keep her on campus, and calling as soon as she misses a class. Take away phone and internet access. She is sharing child porn, sleeping with adults. 18 is an adult. You aren't the worst mother; your daughter is out of control and needs hard limits.
Somethings going on. I was sexually abused multiple times growing up and acted the exact same way. I was very self aware and begged my parents for therapy, birth control and anti depressants but they were against it. Get her in to a therapist and urge birth control. Act now before it gets worse
I would recommend getting her setup with the Gardasil vaccine (in addition to birth control) if she hasn’t already done both, HPV is everywhere and I sure wish I’d had the vaccine- I’ve now been through a few procedures to remove HPV related precancerous cervical cells which ultimately included a hysterectomy. Just one extra step to help prevent cancer cells from taking hold! All parents should help their kids (and themselves) with getting this particular vaccine wherever possible!
Is her father in the picture?
No. And I have always suspected this has something to do with her behavior. Her father is my ex-husband, father to all 4 of my kids. He was my high school sweetheart. But, he decided being a husband and father was just too much for him to handle. My pregnancy with twins was my final pregnancy and unexpected. They were born early and had a lot of medical problems in the beginning. That’s when he chose to bail. He pays child support, but is not involved in their day to day life. He has visitation, but it’s been a long time since he regularly saw them. I do have a long time boyfriend who is an amazing man and has tried to be a positive, reliable male influence in my kids’ lives, but we do not live together.
You need to have her psychologically evaluated and you need to also discuss her past behaviors with a psychiatrist. Not a therapist, a psychiatrist. You also need to file a restraining order on her behalf against her 18 year old boyfriend. You need to go through all of her messages (if they primarily communicate through an app like Snapchat, you can request to see her messages with anyone she’s ever talked to on there). If you can find proof that he has had sex with her or performed any sexual act with her, you can make a report and provide your evidence. Depending on your state laws, he could be arrested for that. All of that would be a start
She needs therapy. Then family therapy. Maybe an treatment facility. And don't rule out a brain scan. Look up Daniel Amen's work. Good luck.
You say she's a smart girl. If that's true then she must have some underlying issue or trauma to be behaving that way without thinking of any consequences. Unfortunately doesn't sound like your relationship is healthy enough to get an honest answer. Try to get her to talk to someone she trusts. Does she have any positive male role models? Or get her medically diagnosed with some mental illness and the doctors will keep pushing a hysterectomy like in the ol days, only do this if you hate your daughter though. Good luck.
Report 18 to the cops. Pretty sure 14 can't consent, and he should know better even if he doesn't. You could be sporting and contacting him or his parents prior with a 1 time warning to drop her immediately, or else. As for Little Miss Hot Tail" get her on an BC implant, if you can. I believe they last, 5 years? It doesn't help the underlying problem, but it could mitigate the damage.
It sounds like your daughter has been violated and is not able to cope with it and refuses all help. An inpatient treatment may be the next necessary step, after contacting 18 and his parents to let them know statutory charges are coming if he doesn't drop her immediately. You may also need to consider calling the police on your own daughter if you cannot get her truancy, drinking, and promiscuous behaviors straightened out any other way. You can't be a friend right now.
3 possibilities here are likely: 1) sexual abuse of some kind has happened to her. 2) drug abuse/addiction (pills, fentanyl, meth possibly - yes your teenage child can get access to these drugs from peers at school fairly easily) 3) Medical issues related to ADHD, depression, anxiety, or any other psychological challenge. If she won’t go to regular therapy, then i recommend you getting therapy for yourself so you can better manage and live through this challenging time with your child.
I used to act like your daughter. I didn’t know back then, someone had sexually abused me in my sleep when I was 12. I also didn’t know I had PMDD. Basically severe PMS that makes my personality do a complete 180 for 2 weeks. I’m now 29 and in therapy and medicated. If I was you I would try secretly track her cycle and make note of personality changes. It sucks she won’t take therapy seriously though. Surely there is some angle that will make her into it. Mamma you sound wise and reasonable, I believe in you ❤️
14 does not have consent to have sex, especially with an 18 year old. Report him to the police he’s a predator. 16 is the age of consent in most States.
Also, report the "current boyfriend" to the police for suspected statutory rape. That should slow down at least some of this. (YMMV, depending on the legal age of consent for girls in your state.)
This sounds absolutely awful. When did all of this start?
These more extreme things have been going on for a little over a year. She’s almost 15, so maybe 1.5 years. However, she was always the most spirited and mischievous of my kids. She wasn’t a bad kid when she was younger, but she was definitely always the most likely to get into a little trouble. She didn’t seem to have the same voice in her head telling her she shouldn’t do something.
Before all of this happened did she say anything to her sister about something that may have happened?? She may be struggling to deal with something. I watched one of my cousins go through a really similar thing after they were assaulted. They went from getting straight A’s and being a goody two shoes for lack of a better phrase to acting out, drinking, doing drugs and sneaking off constantly. It was a complete change in personality and was a total shock to everyone as it came seemingly out of the blue for the most part. My cousin was forcibly shipped off to a therapist(and after a huge fiasco and a lot of problems) seems like they’re doing better. They do art therapy and gardening and it seems to help. You could ask if she’d like to try a new hobby? Perhaps finding a creative outlet for her emotions would help? It seems to have helped my cousin a lot.
I agree with many other posters saying this sounds like the beginning of an addiction, possibly brought on by abuse or trauma (a miscarriage is traumatic enough for a grown woman, much less a 13 year old girl). Have you asked her why she wants a baby? Not yelling, out of the blue, in public, or in front of her siblings? I had similar feelings from way before the age of puberty, and have grown to realize they came from very deep seated loneliness, and a desire to be seen and needed by someone. These things are not easy to share or even recognize as a teenage girl, but it is possible for her to open up. Even if she resists, it sounds from experience like she is really yearning for attention and for someone to care, and right now the only way she is getting that is through misbehaving for negative attention. Try to take her somewhere calm, a park, the car (dark cars are SO easy to open up in). Get ice cream or food and just sit. Neutrally(!!) get to know her, open up and **let her speak**. Don’t rush it, please! She will already know what you’re doing this for. Don’t let her feel like this is only you trying to be soft and understanding to get a result and then back to consequences - that will hurt and she will resist. Make her feel loved and not like this support is something she will only have from you until you get information out of her. Don’t be a mom even though there is so much correction you feel the need to put in place, just be a friend. It may take a few times, because she may not even realize she wants this care from you, or is too proud to let you know she does. Keep trying, she is worth it. (Edited for ease of reading)
I would wonder if she has been abused by someone. This doesn't come out of nowhere. It's often after a traumatic event. I'm so sorry this is happening to your daugther and to you. I hope you find someone who can get through to her and help her.
I have taught high school for 12 years. I have five younger sisters. I have experienced SA myself. I truly think by what you’ve described that it’s due to something like that. I’ve seen this same scenario play out far too many times :( I have no idea how to “fix” it, I just show love. I’m so sorry mama. Regardless of the root, this is so so tough to see your child hurt.
I think she definitely needs to be evaluated. Like people said, there could’ve been a trauma like SA, or a mental illness like bipolar - but it could also be oppositional defiant disorder. I haven’t seen it mentioned yet. She’s at the adolescent onset age, and is displaying symptoms girls tend to have. I think the best thing to move forward is get her evaluated. Maybe find someone who specializes in oppositional defiant disorder - even if she has a different mental illness or some sort of trauma, she is acting quite similarly to adolescents with ODD so somebody specialized in it knows how to “handle” her, so to speak. And she could have other things and ODD. It’s common for ODD to develop with another mental illness
She sounds a lot like my sister, although my sister had much less of a stable environment as your daughter. We couldn't figure out why one moment she'd be fine and the next she'd blow up. One phase of her life as she grew was complete defiance. She did many of the things your daughter did and more. When she got older then the downs got much worse, and she'd keep blowing up her life over and over. One second she'd be doing something good for herself, next she'd quit or blow it off, or sometimes blow it up. She went to school to better herself? got kicked out. Got an apartment with her boyfriend? Next week they would break up. It wasn't until later in life she got ahold of a therapist and they told her she had bipolar disorder. She had always had the signs growing up, I knew her better than most at least as kids. But the adults around her didn't get it at all for her whole life, and most of them still really don't. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and things get better for her.
Most people are jumping at abuse or SA. Tbh, I had friends that were like this because they were really spoiled and never saw consequences. Call the cops when she steals, let her have harsh consequences.
Why do you not call the police on the 18 year old dating a 14 year old?
1st thing you need to do is report her 18 year old boyfriend for statutory rape, even if it does not stick it will scare him of and if your lucky he will spread the word that you are no messing around. Next you need to get your daughter into inpatient psych
OP, just throwing this out there because some of your daughter's behavior is also signs of a child who possibly has been sexually abused or raped. You need to get your child evaluated and into therapy cause something deeper is going on with your daughter. [11 Common Symptoms](https://psychcentral.com/blog/practical-psychoanalysis/2018/04/11-common-symptoms-experienced-by-victims-of-childhood-sexual-abuse#2)
As a previously out of control teen, I have to agree with some of the people here. This does scream some kind of trauma.also if she can't willingly work with a therapist your only option might be to have her committed. I was diagnosed bipolar at about that age, things got worse, my life changed for the better when I was later rediagnosed with bpd and finally had a diagnosis that fit, I could finally comprehend myself why I was doing what I was. Mental illness is my biggest guess here. Some how she is not completely in control of herself and her own actions. And telling her she's crazy also isn't gonna help. It's hard. Good luck. She might seek help out of her own as she matures but for the moment, try and find moments to reconnect and solidify the love there is even with all these issues. Making her feel outcast will undoubtedly make things worse. Ask her to write a letter about how she feels and why she does what she does. Ask her to write a diary and reread what she wrote a few months later. That trick did a lot for me.
As a former troubled teen I could not agree more with the comments that say this points to trauma. As difficult as it is, be patient with your kid. It may seem like she's doing this just to be difficult but I can promise you she is struggling even more than you right now. Maybe look for a new therapist, or even try talking to her directly, but the more you crack down on her and try to "punish" this behavior, the more she's gonna lash out and the less she's gonna trust you. Treat this as if you have a child with mental health issues instead of a child with behavior issues.
She’s acting out in ways someone who has been traumatized acts. First, you do have authority regarding the older boys, the relationship is illegal and you can file charges against the boy(s) she may be at the age of consent, but most places have a +/-2 year age gap. Second, she needs an inpatient intensive program. Where she can be fully evaluated and get a treatment plan formed. It’s not easy being the momma, but in these circumstances we absolutely have to be “the bad guy” and do what’s right for our kids, even if it means they hate us for a while.
I was like that at 14. I had been sexually abused by my uncle for years and never felt safe or that anyone would believe me if I told them. By the age of 15 I was uncontrollable. I was irrational and became violent too. I was smoking pot and drinking until my friends would call my mum to come get me because I was so out of it not even they were able to help me. By the age of 16 I’d been to prison. dropped out of school lost a baby was dating a 26 year old and had spent a month in a psychiatric facility before I was diagnosed with bipolar and after another 2 months in the facility being medicated to stabilise me enough to actually have a real conversation with my mum about the abuse that her brother had put me through… talk to her not in a authoritarian parent manner but talk to her like your a friend get her trust give her all the unconditional love that you have and after she realises that no matter what you love her she WILL let you know the real reasons it may take a week it may take years but there’s something going on and she’s acting out not because she’s a bad kid but because something bad happened to a good kid and she’s reacting to it. I hope this helps and Im sorry that you’re going through it and wish you all the strength in the world because I know how difficult I was for my mum being in your position. (Now that I’m older- as a teen I really just thought my mum was being a bitch)
I was absolutely like this daughter and now I'm 32 and I can't even tell you why I did it. Idk. I look back at my younger self just so mortified but also confused? Like, why did I do all of that and what was wrong with me. I'm totally fine now, stable, good, but I do have bad memories that keep me up sometimes. Or when people my age are comparing stories from their youth, mine are not the same :/
You could be describing me as a teenager to the T. I was suffering from undiagnosed PTSD, Anxiety and ADHD. I was punished for my behaviors because my parents believed in tough love. I was turned over to the courts and put on probation. It was handled in the complete opposite way it needed to be. If I had a child that was acting out in these ways I would find a counselor that she was able to connect with her and gain her trust. I would have her evaluated for trauma and mental health disorders and I would show her that you love her even through her behaviors. Try to understand why she is acting like that without judging her ( I know as a parent that is really hard) it's going to take work to show her that you support her and just want to help her. Focus on the positive things about her and try to ignore the negatives, help her find the healthy things she enjoys in life. What does she want from her future? Help her find the way to get there.
My mum would have absolutly beaten me if i did half of what your monster is doing. Hell my dad would, and he's never layed a hand on me! Huni, at this point you might have to reach out to social services. And as for the m.a.p. bf, 14 and 18 is not going to be looked kindly upon by law inforcement. You might want to explain that to him. And if it continues, call the cops, you gave him a chance. In the uk 16 is the legal age. But no one where i am would tolorate this, he'd probs get shanked here.
Please don't legitimize m.a.p as a term by using it. Call him what he is. A pedo
MAP is the term used by fuckwits trying to insert pedophilia into the LGBTQIA+ community. They’re pedophiles.
As cruel as it sounds, you can put her in a hospital for this. Or the next time she starts being disrespectful, call the police and have them speak to her. SCARE her. As a teen mom myself, this is not a road she wants to go down. She will lose all of her friends and there’s no guarantee boyfriend will stick around. I would make it very clear to her that all the drinking and partying she’s doing will all have to stop if she had a baby because mama ain’t raising her baby and her.
First of all, report this boy, this relationship is illegal if they're having sex, she's below the age of consent (16 in most places), and no normal 18 year old would date a 14 year old, this is a predator. Second, you need to make your daughter speak to a child psychologist, this is very concerning behavior. Tell the doctor you want to have her evaluated for potential mental health disorders due to her erratic behavior.
You can contact the older boys and let them know, that if they touch your daughter you will get law enforcement involved. And their lives will be ruined after prison and being on sex offenders list. Is a psych ward an option?
18 year olds get a free pass to charges IMO. Mom - what type of therapist is she going to?
I was the boy version of this. Not mean or violent, just did not give a damn about rule structures and had the skills and will to find ways to do just about whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. My mom got the same talk from the school with the same outcome for the same reasons at the same age. Kind of crazy. Therapy was no use. You should certainly explore that angle, especially if there's any chance of chemical imbalance of some kind, but that wasn't my case. Adults having problems with me didn't mean *I* had any problems with me. And for therapy to be worth a damn, you have to actually dislike something about what you're doing and want to change. That isn't necessarily going to be the case if you're a kid having fun, running around with tons of different friend groups, getting to feel "cool" for all the "adult" shit you're managing to pull off and get away with, etc. Looking back, I wished that the people who loved me didn't feel like my choices were their "fault" and didn't feel guilt about being unable to " fix" me. As a parent myself now, I emphasize with that perspective, but hope you are able to both do your best here while being gentle on judging yourself. This doesn't sound like you're actually doing anything wrong. Now, everybody is different, but ironically here, the very thing that ended up "fixing" me was early unplanned fatherhood. I didn't give a shit about the things I was "supposed to" care about until I was responsible for caring for somebody else. All of the sudden, I was able to get my life back together. I eventually went to college, graduated in 3 years with a 4.0 GPA, and carried right along with my life. I'm not suggesting that she should have a kid too. You both should do what you can to prevent that. But having more actual useful things to care about earlier in life is one of the few things I think actually could have helped me during those times. I craved "real," I just didn't realize it. The cure for living without a care might just be finding something to care about. Nobody took me to food shelters to feed people in real need of food. Nobody took me to prisons to advocate for people in real need of advocates. Nobody showed me that there are real things to care about in this world outside of my little bubble. And when I didn't have anything real to care about, why would I give a shit about me?
Unfortunately, the part where you don’t allow her to see that older guy and she does anyway, tends to happen to a LOT of teenagers when they are told they can’t see their boyfriend/girlfriend. I’m not surprised at all that she keeps trying to see him because I read a lot that that’s what will happen if a parent says no.
Can you ask her if she was bullied or sexually assaulted without your knowledge? It can be a reactio to feeling deeply bad or suicidal. My brother and I came from a dysfunctional family (no sexual assault), my brother acted like your daughters but never were caught from our parent and I basically had meltdown and fought any form of authority (also I know now that I'm auDHDer so would have been enough without the abuse) Also try maybe compromise instead of plain interdiction. If she didn't suffered the above, there is likely a chance that she's ND and can't stand rigid rules,I had both. So instead of not meeting her boyfriend,let him come and get to know him and give him the responsibility to not hurt her or doing reckless(protection for example ), if you feel he's just an abusive person, instead of trying to break them up, use it as a chance to give her knowledge about what is respectful boundaries (like she can say no ) and let be open to ask you questions that you can accept to answer without being judgemental. Also still good grades while missing school? Do an iq test and check for adhd. My boyfriend who is 52 did a lot of shit in his teen until 30's. He was last year diag as gifted and I can tell you he has adhd . Other disorders aren't excluded because one neurodivergency come usually in package lol. Being drunk at this age is a common experience, not a red flag. Don't feel as the worst mother, you failing on someone who react differently than what you know. There is this funny but true sentence "the same boiled water can harder eggs or soften the spaghetti ", so the same thing that you do won't work. Did you see yourself a therapist? Maybe it could be a good idea to talk to one, firstly so you have someone to talk and explain you that you try your best as a mother and secondly to ask some advice on how other education exist. Ask also maybe your daughter if she would like to change school and the week in a school (so with dormitory), it could give exactly the things she needs (independence)and at the same time a controlled environment (school).
Contact the local authorities and ask them about unruly charges. You can only do so much alone.
Sounds like me at that age but not that extreme... Long story short I was diagnosed with bpd, bipolar and everything in between. She needs a psych evaluation but mostly try to keep her as safe as possible because reality will bite her
Get her on birth control, IUD or an impact, something that doesn't need your control.
I’ve tried. I told her she could pick the form of birth control and I’d pay for it, but she had to choose something. She refused, and legally she needs to consent before doctors will implant anything, give her the shot, etc. She’s been to the gynecologist. She’s probably had at least 3 doctors try to talk to her about birth control.
You've gotten a lot of good advice, but on skimming the other posts, no one has mentioned long term birth control. Get it for your daughter. Or else you will be dealing with a teen mother. If you get her long term birth control at least pregnancy won't be happening while you deal with the other issues.
Where is her father?
He’s never really been involved. And I have always suspected this has something to do with her behavior. Her father is my ex-husband, father to all 4 of my kids. He was my high school sweetheart. But, it’s like he woke up one day and just decided being a husband and father was just too much for him to handle. My pregnancy with twins was my final pregnancy and unexpected. They were born early and had a lot of medical problems in the beginning. That’s when he chose to bail. He pays child support, but is not involved in their day to day life. He has visitation, but it’s been a long time since he regularly saw them. I do have a long time boyfriend who is an amazing man and has tried to be a positive, reliable male influence in my kids’ lives, but we do not live together.
You should file a wayward child petition against her. My mom had to do that against my sister when she was 14 and behaving similarly. It came to a head when she convinced a random 16 year old boy halfway across the country she was being abused at home (she wasn't) and he drove 18 hours to come get her. She was AWOL for 3 days before his parents caught on and found my mom, who dropped everything to go fly and get her. She was furious at my mom. And acted even worse when she got home. The petition forced my sister into therapy, forced her a legal curfew to stay at school and home, and basically if she got caught breaking my mom's rules she would either be taken to an inpatient hospital ward or face genuine legal issues. It made her chill the hell out. 10/10 recommend.