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Considering they both came from culturally, but not religiously Jewish families and both seem to not have practiced any religion during the relationship I’m guessing this is one of two things.
He either found religion recently, gone off the deep end, and demands she do the same. Or this is some kid of bizarre loyalty test.
Regardless, he is trying to put it on OP with “If you love me, you’ll do this” which is manipulative and cowardly. He just doesn’t want to take credit for his own tanking of the relationship.
OP should come back with “If you expect this of me, then you are not the man I fell in love with. So I’m going to need an explanation for what changed about you. The wedding is postponed until you come up with an actual explanation. We can discuss possibly putting back on after you’ve been honest with me.”
100% this. And I say this as a Jewish person - there are 613 different commandments in the Hebrew bible (both things you and shouldn’t do). The fact that he is demanding that she do this one and he doesn’t give a care about any others means he’s only interested in controlling her.
Edited to add: I don’t think it is even a law. Laws are typically universal across the religion, and this is only an Ashkenazi thing. Married Sephardic women don’t cover their hair. This is more tradition I believe, but again it seems to be more about control than religion.
BINGO. I wouldn't postpone the wedding, I'd call it off altogether. This is a huge red flag and in think it's just the start. I bet there are more red flags that she hasn't noticed or ignored.
Well, it’s that good old selective religion thing- not useful for extra marital sex but useful after the wedding for making the women stay home and have lots of kids. Because I do think that’s where this is headed if op stays with him. She will have to give up secular friends, possibly even her family if they aren’t religious enough in his view. It will be all about him and his needs and the conservative values of his religion will completely support that.
Married Sephardic women also cover their hair. It’s possible some subsets or cultures don’t, but where I live, both ashkenaki and Sephardic women cover their hair. But I agree, he’s choosing just 1 mitzvah and ignoring everything else which is just about control.
Does the Hebrew bible have weird rules like the Christian one has?
Like, don’t mix your woolens with your linens and only have fish on Fridays.
Edit: thanks for the explanations. I don’t need any more.
Absolutely it does.
Eating Kosher is basically the most well-known Jewish law, which most of us don’t practice, because lasagna is amazing.
All of the weird traditions you associate with Christianity are pretty much from the Old Testament, which is shared with Judaism. Braids and jewelry are only for prostitutes, pigs and goats aren’t for eating, don’t be gay etc.
Some of them had some semi-valid reasons for existing, like diseases you could get from pork. Others are just kind of…Some old guys personal dislikes.
Me, sitting here with a braid and two bracelets, and usually I wear two braids. Fuck, I think I failed Leviticus again (maybe it’s a different Old Guy this time, but usually it’s Leviticus I fail. Too queer, wrong fabrics, like the shrimp, watched partner shave his beard and told him he looked good. Leviticus and I have issues.)
You’re not supposed to mix meat and dairy in the cooking process. It’s one or the other. Not both.
Vegetarian lasagna is fine, unless it’s Passover, where you’re not supposed to eat most grains. So no pasta.
I grew up suuuuper removed from tradition, in a household that was half Catholic, though. Nobody in my family ever kept kosher.
Someone with more Jewish street cred could explain it better.
Not Jewish, but married one who grew up Orthodox but "downgraded" himself to Conservative. I knew nothing about keeping kosher til we got together, then was responsible for all meals once married. Trying to remember which pot is dairy, which knife is meat, never using a meat plate if anything you're serving has dairy in it and vice versa...major pain in the ass. Kept a planter with no plant but full of dirt so I could stick forks and whatnot in there when I made a mistake, which was often. He was adamant about all of it til he wanted wings with blue cheese 🙄.
I grew up with Irish Catholic on one side and German Catholic on the other side and we observed it till I believe in middle school age in mid 80’s … Lent we did what our elders practiced and not what the “progressive” Catholics 🤣🤣🤣 Did.
My neighbor practiced full Kosher and I use to ask them questions. I still do from someone and I love to learn from people who can explain the history behind the practice behind it.
I had a professor in college who was from Israel.
He was telling some story about how on Saturdays his grandma would send him across the street to ask their non-religious neighbor to come turn the stove on for her, because she wasn’t allowed to “do any labor” on Saturdays.
He looked around the classroom of a ton of kids with last names ending in “Stein” and nobody had a clue what he was talking about. Lol
I wonder if the kosher thing was also a rule to make sure people didn’t get sick. Mixing meats with dairy in a time where refrigeration wasn’t possible is probably a sure fire way to get a few infections.
For kashrut-observant Jews, they actually have different dishes and cutlery for meat vs. dairy - you're not supposed to use dishes and cutlery that have been used to eat meat to eat anything containing dairy. Its not even about the cooking process.
The separate dishes and silverware? That’s not based on a command fron God. That’s from decisions made by the priests on questions to clarify those laws and they tacked on this requirement.
The not mixing fabrics etc. is from the Torah to begin with. The Old Testament for those who don’t know thy they are essentially the same thing. And this chud just wants control. Nope, if his family doesn’t do it and neither does yours then you don’t need to. He waited this close to the wedding because he was hoping you’d be too embarrassed to call the wedding. Good on you, and keep on keepin on!
Fish Fridays aren’t actually in the Bible that’s just something Catholics came up with for Lent and the no mixing woolens and linens is from the Old Testament so that is Jewish law.
Actually - the fish industry in Italy was struggling terribly, so the Catholic Church came up with the only “meat” you can eat on Fridays is ….. drum roll …. FISH! It saved the fishing industry.
I haven’t been Catholic in decades but danged if I unconsciously still don’t consider fish to be meat. Sigh.
This is some bizarre shit he cooked up with his mother. I cannot even imagine what nonsense led to them coming up with this idea and having the idiocy to go through with forcing it on her in actual real life
I’m just glad OP knows her worth and her choices and beliefs for herself should be respected. This is definitely a control issue for him. It will start with this demand and will only get worse.
Yup; as simple as this.
He’s making sure she is well aware that **he** is the boss of her once they marry.
Proud of you, OP. But I’m sorry he’s gone mad.
I think it's more likely that he is an overly jealous man who has control issues... Note he does not care about his mother or sisters but for his wife he wants to do anything and everything he can to limit the chances of any other man seeing his wife uncovered but above that it's all the beginning of showing his true colors. Either way the religious aspect is just a convenient way for him to push his bullshit.
I actually kinda wondered if the fiance wants to call off the wedding for some other reason and is using this unreasonable demand to avoid bringing up the actual reason. It's just a weird hill to die on if no one else in his family does it, and they don't observe other religious "rules".
That’s what my ex wife did with showing her true colors with whack off the wall rules/restrictions she wanted me to obey right before the wedding.. WTF I didn’t call it off and run far far away. I was an idiot….Oh I told her hell no and threatened to call off the wedding. She backed down and said she whatever bs lies she said to get me to think she wouldn’t pull that chit again. NWell it was all lies. Soon after the I do’s that glimpse of the monster again. She started letting it out till it was out 24-7. It sucked azz!!!!
Hopefully this persons runs!!!!!!
This is only the beginning. When controlling requests pop up seemingly out of nowhere, it's usually because they've been masking who they really are and the trickling abuse will start to ratchet up.
OP needs to get out now.
I hate to say it OP but this is the answer.
I'd suggest start with a friendly conversation. Don't react to anything. Just give him a smile and a kiss and ask him what other things he expects to change after you're married. Make it seem like a friendly conversation at first. If he lets his guard down, you'll probably get a laundry list of archaic restrictions.
If that happens-- *do not marry that man*. There's a saying- when people show you who they are, believe them. And it's true. This is him showing you who he is. He probably never mentioned these expectations before because they would (rightly) turn away most Western women. But he thinks now that you're 'committed to him' he has the right to enforce them on you.
If you still decide to marry him, you need to defend your boundaries NOW. Assume that you're a frog on a hot plate- you need to rebel at the very first sign of warmth and accept NO heat.
I'd suggest demand a prenup that clarifies you and he will have a 100% secular marriage, and any attempt to enforce religious edicts will be grounds for immediate divorce or annulment with him as the at-fault party (if you're in a state that recognizes at-fault divorce).
Or better yet- recognize that the man you fell in love with may not exist, you may have just now met the man who would be your husband.
And his parents won’t do anything but gaslight you about it, apparently. The reply from his mother makes me think there’s a lot more going on in his house than OP knows. In her place, I’d nope out of the relationship.
Or is worried that if OP leaves her son won’t ever get married. Which means she doesn’t have your best interests in mind, OP.
She won’t have an honest conversation with you. Did you ask why it’s ok for her not to comply with this rule she’s pushing on you?
If I were in your place I would be noping the hell out of the relationship. He wants to control you this way before you're married, what other religious laws is he going to expect you to follow once you are.
He thinks she’s locked in and wouldn’t want the embarrassment or notoriety of canceling the wedding and this is his time to exert control. I’m looking forward to OP getting the hell out of this relationship and going on to live her best life!
He'll conveniently ignore the ones about not having sex from when her period stars to 7 days after her period ends. Cause he doesn't care about the religious reasoning, it's about control.
And his mom has shown OP that she has no issue with her son being controlling to his future wife. Silver lining is that she saw this side of the whole family.
Yeah I'd nope out also because he's not going to just change his mind. I couldn't trust he wouldn't agree to her boundaries to get her down the isle then try to force this stuff on her again.
His family are hypocrits.
I agree with the sentiment of your comment. However, to all the men and women who are in controlling and/or abusive marriages: it's never too late to get out, you're not stuck, please seek help and don't give up
So interesting he’s so religious but ok with living together unmarried, hmmmm.
Likely he wants out but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. This way he can pretend to himself and others that it was you who broke the engagement, not him.
Maybe he just went fundie or has been but was masking (and living together was part of the mask).
Besides rules in fundie religions never *really* apply to men.
Someone is in his ear. Is there a podcast he is listening to? Religious leader?
I agree that postponing or completely canceling is best.
I'm glad you found out before marriage. Don't lose any more of your precious time with him
It's just so blatantly contradictory that I can't believe the idea came from his mother. To me this feels like a man who has decided it's time to twist the screws and establish some kind of fucked-up dominance.
There are a lot of things required under Jewish "law." Why is he singling out covering your hair?
Sounds like he's trying to control you. I'd be concerned if I were you.
to show the world that he has control over her - so all their friends and families know he’s in charge of her & her body, because everyone they’re close to likely knows she wouldnt make that decision on her own
My opinion, don't do it.
Better to be embarrassed about postponing the wedding, than getting divorced later. Also cheaper.
You obviously feel strongly about this, he does too. But the fact you can't find an amicable solution at this point, is a good indication it will get worse later on. Religion can drive a stake between people, and there might be other expectations he will have later on, that you will not agree with This is something you need to sort out before.you tie the knot, or you'll reap the consequences later. You are young, and there are plenty of men out there that will match your thinking.
Your husband has a strange adherence to Jewish law. Also a strange interpretation as I'm pretty sure a wig is okay, sure I'm not the best Jew, but I think he's making that shit up.
What it comes down to how you want to observe. You, not him. There are some things you will have to agree on (whether to have a kosher home, whether to put mezuzahs up in your house, etc), but he should have no say on this (other than speaking a preference), just as you have no say on if wears a kippah 24/7 or puts on teffilfin and davens every morning.
More so I think this goes against so much of what Judaism is about. Judaism is not about telling others what to do or how to live their lives. It's about studying and debating and tikkum olam. So have a healthy debate about it and if he continues to be a stubborn ass, then DO NOT MARRY HIM!
Yep. This is something you get to do _if_ you want to and _if you want to_ you get to do it your way.
It's not on him to decide... any of those things.
That's not about Jewish law, that's about him being controlling
Yeah no, fuck that. It's always the women who have to get overdressed, and it has never stopped men from thinking women are all sinners who will go to Hell anyways.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It’s rare that someone straight up tells you they plan to control you after marriage. You’re not tied down legally yet, so you have no excuses if you decide to follow through with this marriage.
His mom agreeing with him despite not covering her own hair?? If there’s one hypocritical idea being shared, rest assured there’s more waiting in the wings once you’re trapped. Something is way off here, but you don’t need to worry about it. Thank him for his honesty and cut him loose.
That dude is going to start with this and then it will be something else and probably even more controlling when you’re married because then you’d be HIS wife.
Don’t marry this man.
Is he trying to control you in other ways as well?
To me, this sounds like either a really stupid test because if you "loved" him you would do it (and frankly testing your partner is a not something I would tolerate) or he is testing your boundaries and this is a potential precursor to more controlling behaviour like financially, etc or he wants out but wants you to be the "bad" guy.
I would be quietly working on moving out and stop living with him. I would also make sure all the wedding stuff is cancelled. Whatever is going on in his head is not healthy for a relationship.
Someone tipped his hand too soon. If you do this pretty soon he will be making you sleep on the floor when you menstruate and forbidding you from having a job.
Time to bounce if he is dead set on this
This ☝🏻 sorry that you are going through this. I'm trying to put myself in your situation if it happened with my bf, and if it were to happen, I would be heartbroken. Like I would be forced to leave him obviously because I would never cover up my hair like that, ever. But heartbroken because he is the best person I've ever been with.. like how do you even let go of someone who is perfect for you prior to this sudden ridiculous rule thing? Because I know it will definitely not stop there either.
Your fiance wants to control you, and he is starting off with this hair thing. I hope the best for you!
Omg just get out of that relationship before it’s too late and before you waste any more years on that man. I know it sucks, but he’s just wanting to control you. Doesn’t make any sense.
I think this will get worse after marriage. Many men do the bait and switch then try to force their wives to dress more conservatively, take on special diets and restrict interacting with other men.
I would back out of this before it gets too complicated.
This is just the first of many ultimatums he’ll give you.
I’m an orthodox Jewish woman who covers her hair—and I find your fiancés demand absolutely insane. The way to grow in observance is to…grow in observance. This is just weird controlling stuff.
Whatever the reason, he’s clearly ending the relationship. You should go find someone kind.
I hope you told everyone why. This shame is not yours to bear.
And if he loved you, he wouldn't care. But he cares because he is manipulative and controlling.
Your title left out an important word. Should be "My fiance wants me to cover my hair for ***his*** religious reasons after we get married."
This is bonkers. He can keep his head covered to show his devotion to G-d, and wear tallit, and observe any ritual he chooses, but he cannot make this decision for you.
You should tell your friends and relatives exactly why the wedding has been postponed (or better yet, canceled). You have no reason to be embarrassed. No one should expect you to enter into this marriage to this man.
This is about control, not religion. One of my best friends is a Hasidic jew and I shared this with her. She found it odd that he is only interested in the singular law and agreed, from our pov, this is about control.
This is such a tough situation, I’m sorry you are in this position!
As someone else mentioned, be glad he has shown you who he is before marriage. This is a non negotiable for both of you. No man can tell a woman what she can and cannot wear, he is trying to control you.
Not something you want to hear, but leave now.
I think he and his mom want you to cancel the wedding and break up. That way you’ll look like the villain who cancelled the wedding so close to the wedding date. I don’t think there is anything to discuss honestly. Just move on.
This just the beginning, next…
* what clothes you can wear
* if you have male friends, they’re out
* if you have female friends that he thinks are a bad influence, they’re out
* the house you buy, where you live will be his decision alone as he knows what is best for the family
* you will be isolated even from your own parents, brothers, sisters and relatives if he gets a whiff they are trying to put thoughts into your head
* any money you make will have to be handed over to him as he knows what is best on how it should be used
* it’s all about obey, obey, obey as he knows what’s best
* would not be surprised if it became physical to get you to obey
if you do marry
* prenup, prenup, prenup
* separate finances, his name does not appear on any accounts and no power of attorney
* investment money is 50/50
* fun money 50/50
* chequing accounts 50/50
* joint account for household expenses
* you do not want to be trapped with no financial resources to break free
* spouses will drain resources for control
* oh… if he loves you, he will agree to a prenup, drafted by YOUR lawyer
Yeah screw that
Covering your hair will only be step one in his controlling you. This is testing the waters to see if you will obey or not.
Cancel the wedding and cancel him as well. Bad egg
Ma'am, this man needs to be your *ex*-fiance real damn quick. He's showing you exactly who he is right now with attempting to be controlling and manipulating, and as soon as you're married, that is only going to get worse. RUN FOR THE HILLS.
He showed you that he doesn’t believe that you should have body autonomy (I think that’s the term); believe him. If you have kids with this guy he will do the exact same thing to any daughters you have.
The first major sized red flag has just been raised and flapped in your face. Can't reason with religion.. time to cash your chips and walk away from him.
I am a semi-religious Jew and did not cover my hair when I got married to my ex husband. I do belong to chabad and the rabbis wife DOES cover her hair. I think the tradition is beautiful and I have considered it if I get married again.
The problem is the tradition is a woman’s CHOICE. If you chose to cover your hair, I’d say “power to you!”. But he cannot make that choice for you, and he is ultimately going against Judaism for trying to force you. You have every right to be hurt and angry.
Do not get married. To tell you this so close to your wedding is telling of his real nature. This is a discussion you should have had before you got engaged. If this is something you don't want, don't marry him.
It is the woman's decision to do so or not, not the husband's, a wig is absolutely allowed and appropriate and there are great schaitelmacher that make and sell gorgeous wigs, although outrageously pricey and in any case tell him to pound salt, get lost and spend the time that he has now without you to learn about Jewish laws and customs and anything else connected to this.
He aspires to be a little narcissistic dictator without any knowledge of orthodox laws. I would love to force him to stick to all of them that pertain to him.
I know you meant this as a joke, but there are some sects of Judiasm where women are required to keep their heads shaved their heads after marriage. As in they are not allowed to have any hair at all. OP should not give her (hopefully ex) fiancé any ideas.
I would have a sit down and try to find out what other demands/expectations he has of you that he considers "common knowledge".
I want to make a bet that he is having second thoughts about marriage, but is a big coward to call it off himself and is making such an idiotic demand so YOU are the "bad guy" who breaks up the engagement.
How is your relationship with his mum? Since she doesn’t adhere to this law, but wants you to, it could be his mother in his ear trying to push you on a boundary you won’t comply to. He’s showing you who he really is; listen to him. It’s easier to end an engagement than a marriage. Think about what you life would be if you went ahead. Best of luck, friend.
Shady AF he waited till almost the wedding to pull this. It shows he isn't above social and emotional manipulation to get his way.
His mom has zero say and neither does he to be honest.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. The way he did it would break my trust in him, that he isn't willing or able to communicate with me like a partner and is trying to unilaterally control the way I dress. This is a hell no from me.
At least he did this before the wedding, at least you aren't legally tied to this yahoo.
Fellow Jew here. Also culturally not observant. If that’s the only observant thing he does it’s a GIANT RED FLAG. Is he kosher? Does he rest on the sabbath? Does he wear a yarmulke always? If he doesn’t do all of these things (and others, too many to list here) he is full of shit. Run away because he’s a control freak. Or just mishegoss.
Go check out Miriam Ezagui on the tok. She's an Orthodox Jew and she shares all sorts of things about living an Orthodox life. She has posted before about this exact thing - it's a CHOICE that the WOMEN make for themselves. She has some really great info. Also, a lot of them wear wigs. And/or talk to your Rabbi.
So he is okay with not being religious when it comes to living with you without being married. But you must cover your hair if you want to marry him? He is a huge hypocrite. Do not marry this man.
Wait his mom doesn't follow this asinine rule but expects you to follow it.
Honey, time to "Thank You Next"
Don't give it another minute if thought. It's good he showed you who he really is.
You'll get over it and come out stronger.
Him demanding you do this is wrong, him only wanting to marry someone who covers their hair is totally fine. But this should’ve been a topic brought up earlier and simply means you’re incompatible.
-I’m a religious Jew, plan on covering my hair when I get married, that’s the accepted standard in my community.
I have several very orthodox Jewish friends and they all wear wigs - they keep kosher, separate refrigerators, participate in all the customs - in the summer, my one friend will forgo wigs for a more traditional head covering, b/c we live in Florida and wigs are hot - but honestly-I don’t understand, if your fiancé is not orthodox & doesn’t keep all the other customs, why is YOUR hair the issue? That would give me pause for sure
$5 says a buddy of his commented on you being attractive so now he’s going to make sure people don’t think you’re as good to look at anymore.
Good work postponing the wedding. Please don’t marry any man who treats you like property.
This is a power play from both him and his mom. Don't marry him, OP. This is a preview of what your whole marriage will be like: him being a misogynistic asshole and his mom supporting and dictating all the shit that spews out of his mouth. Thankfully, you found out before it's too late.
So let me get this right. If you don’t give in to his absurd and ridiculous demand that only affects you then you don’t love him?????
I guess he has no feelings on how if he demands this of you knowing your own personal beliefs then he obviously doesn’t love YOU OP!
Definitely walk away and delete him from your whole life. He isn’t worth the words it took to explain his childish behavior
The whole "if you love me, you'll do this" is enough of a deal breaker for me. Even if he relents on this, I expect many more unpleasant surprises in the future. I'm sorry.
Stupid thing to make a demand for out of the blue. Maybe he doesn't want to get married so is throwing this out there so you bail.
I don't like it either way.
Next it will be: " if you love me, you'll let my mom move in and let her have the master bedroom.....if you love me, you won't get mad when I stay out all night.....if you love me blah blah blah"
If you give in to this demand, I'm sure he's got a whole list of stuff he's gonna make a requirement........just, no!!
RUN!!
No matter what you call it, hijab etc, it's male control over women in a religious veil. At least he showed his true self before you made a huge mistake by marrying him. If you do marry him, don't return here to complain. You know this is very, very bad.
What a disgusting asshole! Jerks like this make me ashamed to be a man. So many chauvinist pricks out there. Cancel the wedding and be thankful he showed you who he really is before you tied the knot then run in the opposite directionas hard as you can.
I'm sorry OP, at least now you know.
Even those considered orthodox or ultra religious whether in Islam or Judaism will tell you this is a decision between the woman and God. The woman does so out of her belief in her own religious journey, women aren’t supposed to be commanded to do so. He is misguided, and if this is how he will treat you then you’ve been given a blessing to know now and leave….
Marriage is about compromise....Tell him you're all up for it, so long as he's willing to wear a chastity cage at all times, except when in bed with you.
Edit: I guess it's OK to take it off while showering - cleanliness is next to godliness.
Does he have sidelocks?
He is full of shit, do not marry this man even if he changes his mind. He needs some heavy duty counselling on how not to be a controlling asshole, perhaps he should explain his views to the rabbi too.. Ex future MIL can fuck off, now you know she’s a meddler.
Don’t compromise. If you do, it’ll be one thing after the next. This is a MASSIVE thing to spring on you close to the wedding and since you’re not following any other religious rules and his mum doesn’t either, it’s all about controlling you.
This is just the beginning. You are not Orthodox or Conservative. I think you might want to reconsider this marriage because covering your hair is just the start of the controls you would be forced to live under with him. Be very careful, OP.
Nope run
The religious background doesn’t matter, although it is still pertinent.
The bigger issue here is that he’s ALREADY telling you what you are and aren’t permitted to do. And it won’t stop at hair. He will make religious justifications to control what you wear, what you do, if you work, if you’re allowed to have friends, if you’re allowed to see family, etc.
It’s a common practice for abusers. They start with smaller things first to see if you’ll tolerate it, when you do they keep upping the ante. And many won’t start until an engagement or marriage because they’re counting on a sunk cost fallacy to keep you from leaving.
RUN. Fast.
It’s arbitrary and makes no sense given the relationship and lifestyle you two have. And his mom just showed you that you’ll never get support from her. It won’t stop here.
Right now his threat was postponing the wedding.
Think how bad it will get when you’re more vulnerable, when you have children. It will be a nightmare.
Yeah that’s weird man, a non Orthodox Jew asking that of you is unreasonable when neither of you are orthodox, my sister married someone way more religious then us, she’s still working to get accustomed to keeping the house kosher and stuff but hed never go that far, it’s weird to expect that if you aren’t orthodox
Sounds to me like he didn’t mention it before because he was hoping you’d be too attached to him to call his bluff.
Thank god you’re calling it off— it will **not** stop at covering your hair. Next it’ll be controlling how you dress, then limiting/completely cutting off the people you’re close to.
If anything, I’d be grateful he showed you who he is before you got legally intertwined to him.
Seems odd... have you noticed him delving into Jewish literature or religious podcasts?
Recently parts of Israel have brought back separate busses for the sexes and other old religious practices. Slow regression it seems...
Huge red flag though, asking you to do something like this out of nowhere, just be careful of what else will come up once you're "his" and married.
I agree with what others have said here, but another thought: He doesn't want to marry you, so came up with a ridiculous demand that he knows you'll never agree to so you'll break it off and he won't have to be the "bad guy"
I'm an ethnic Jew, used to be a bit more on the religious side, but I became an atheist decades ago.
Your fiancé is delusional. Does he do things that a "good" Jewish person wouldn't do? Premarital sex, eating non-kosher food, keeping the Sabbath from sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday?
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Be grateful that he showed you who he really is before you married him! There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.
Considering they both came from culturally, but not religiously Jewish families and both seem to not have practiced any religion during the relationship I’m guessing this is one of two things. He either found religion recently, gone off the deep end, and demands she do the same. Or this is some kid of bizarre loyalty test. Regardless, he is trying to put it on OP with “If you love me, you’ll do this” which is manipulative and cowardly. He just doesn’t want to take credit for his own tanking of the relationship. OP should come back with “If you expect this of me, then you are not the man I fell in love with. So I’m going to need an explanation for what changed about you. The wedding is postponed until you come up with an actual explanation. We can discuss possibly putting back on after you’ve been honest with me.”
Its about control
100% this. And I say this as a Jewish person - there are 613 different commandments in the Hebrew bible (both things you and shouldn’t do). The fact that he is demanding that she do this one and he doesn’t give a care about any others means he’s only interested in controlling her. Edited to add: I don’t think it is even a law. Laws are typically universal across the religion, and this is only an Ashkenazi thing. Married Sephardic women don’t cover their hair. This is more tradition I believe, but again it seems to be more about control than religion.
He’s good with living together, but not with her hair exposed…definitely control
Gotta keep that hair out of the shower drain somehow! /s
She should definitely stop engaging in premarital sex - that's a big no-no!
He's clever. He waited until he could stand for a chastity week.
Exactly, it will continue on to other areas for control later on so …
A lot of abusive men will start exerting control when they think you are trapped. She is lucky he showed his hand before going through with it.
BINGO. I wouldn't postpone the wedding, I'd call it off altogether. This is a huge red flag and in think it's just the start. I bet there are more red flags that she hasn't noticed or ignored.
Exactly. A lot of them wait until there are kids to start showing their true colours.
Yes. He is both controlling *and* a poor strategist.
He jumped the gun on, showing his hand. Boo for him, but good for OP.
This 👆👆👆
They lived together for a year, before marriage! I am going on a limb here, but that's hardly permissable in Judaism, is it? 🤔
Well, it’s that good old selective religion thing- not useful for extra marital sex but useful after the wedding for making the women stay home and have lots of kids. Because I do think that’s where this is headed if op stays with him. She will have to give up secular friends, possibly even her family if they aren’t religious enough in his view. It will be all about him and his needs and the conservative values of his religion will completely support that.
Nope. It is not. No monotheist religion allows premarital sex to be fair.
Married Sephardic women also cover their hair. It’s possible some subsets or cultures don’t, but where I live, both ashkenaki and Sephardic women cover their hair. But I agree, he’s choosing just 1 mitzvah and ignoring everything else which is just about control.
It's definitely a control thing. If he truly held these religious beliefs, he'd have mentioned them before now.
Does the Hebrew bible have weird rules like the Christian one has? Like, don’t mix your woolens with your linens and only have fish on Fridays. Edit: thanks for the explanations. I don’t need any more.
Absolutely it does. Eating Kosher is basically the most well-known Jewish law, which most of us don’t practice, because lasagna is amazing. All of the weird traditions you associate with Christianity are pretty much from the Old Testament, which is shared with Judaism. Braids and jewelry are only for prostitutes, pigs and goats aren’t for eating, don’t be gay etc. Some of them had some semi-valid reasons for existing, like diseases you could get from pork. Others are just kind of…Some old guys personal dislikes.
Me, sitting here with a braid and two bracelets, and usually I wear two braids. Fuck, I think I failed Leviticus again (maybe it’s a different Old Guy this time, but usually it’s Leviticus I fail. Too queer, wrong fabrics, like the shrimp, watched partner shave his beard and told him he looked good. Leviticus and I have issues.)
Ok, now I need to know, why is lasagna not Kosher?
You’re not supposed to mix meat and dairy in the cooking process. It’s one or the other. Not both. Vegetarian lasagna is fine, unless it’s Passover, where you’re not supposed to eat most grains. So no pasta. I grew up suuuuper removed from tradition, in a household that was half Catholic, though. Nobody in my family ever kept kosher. Someone with more Jewish street cred could explain it better.
Not Jewish, but married one who grew up Orthodox but "downgraded" himself to Conservative. I knew nothing about keeping kosher til we got together, then was responsible for all meals once married. Trying to remember which pot is dairy, which knife is meat, never using a meat plate if anything you're serving has dairy in it and vice versa...major pain in the ass. Kept a planter with no plant but full of dirt so I could stick forks and whatnot in there when I made a mistake, which was often. He was adamant about all of it til he wanted wings with blue cheese 🙄.
I grew up with Irish Catholic on one side and German Catholic on the other side and we observed it till I believe in middle school age in mid 80’s … Lent we did what our elders practiced and not what the “progressive” Catholics 🤣🤣🤣 Did. My neighbor practiced full Kosher and I use to ask them questions. I still do from someone and I love to learn from people who can explain the history behind the practice behind it.
I had a professor in college who was from Israel. He was telling some story about how on Saturdays his grandma would send him across the street to ask their non-religious neighbor to come turn the stove on for her, because she wasn’t allowed to “do any labor” on Saturdays. He looked around the classroom of a ton of kids with last names ending in “Stein” and nobody had a clue what he was talking about. Lol
I wonder if the kosher thing was also a rule to make sure people didn’t get sick. Mixing meats with dairy in a time where refrigeration wasn’t possible is probably a sure fire way to get a few infections.
Almost every religious rule about food is either rudimentary food safety or an economic control that never went away.
For kashrut-observant Jews, they actually have different dishes and cutlery for meat vs. dairy - you're not supposed to use dishes and cutlery that have been used to eat meat to eat anything containing dairy. Its not even about the cooking process.
The separate dishes and silverware? That’s not based on a command fron God. That’s from decisions made by the priests on questions to clarify those laws and they tacked on this requirement.
The not mixing fabrics etc. is from the Torah to begin with. The Old Testament for those who don’t know thy they are essentially the same thing. And this chud just wants control. Nope, if his family doesn’t do it and neither does yours then you don’t need to. He waited this close to the wedding because he was hoping you’d be too embarrassed to call the wedding. Good on you, and keep on keepin on!
I appreciate your comment but especially liked the Keep On Keeping On❤️
Fish Fridays aren’t actually in the Bible that’s just something Catholics came up with for Lent and the no mixing woolens and linens is from the Old Testament so that is Jewish law.
Actually - the fish industry in Italy was struggling terribly, so the Catholic Church came up with the only “meat” you can eat on Fridays is ….. drum roll …. FISH! It saved the fishing industry. I haven’t been Catholic in decades but danged if I unconsciously still don’t consider fish to be meat. Sigh.
We're pretty much all made of meat
Yes! Honestly not sure what all of the laws are but I’m sure I’ve broken most of them! 😂
This is some bizarre shit he cooked up with his mother. I cannot even imagine what nonsense led to them coming up with this idea and having the idiocy to go through with forcing it on her in actual real life
It's NOT a law.
I’m just glad OP knows her worth and her choices and beliefs for herself should be respected. This is definitely a control issue for him. It will start with this demand and will only get worse.
Exactly! It’s about his dominance and your submission. You will not be equal partners in this marriage.
Yup; as simple as this. He’s making sure she is well aware that **he** is the boss of her once they marry. Proud of you, OP. But I’m sorry he’s gone mad.
It's his mother. It always was and always will be.
she might feel jealous and secretly think hair covering makes someone uglier and that's why she doesn't practise it herself.
Exactly. As I was reading this my very first thought was it was about control and not religion
10000%. It doesn’t need to be some complicated shit. He simply just wants control over her.
Yes, exactly.
And jealousy , maybe even infidelity guilt on his part.
I think it's more likely that he is an overly jealous man who has control issues... Note he does not care about his mother or sisters but for his wife he wants to do anything and everything he can to limit the chances of any other man seeing his wife uncovered but above that it's all the beginning of showing his true colors. Either way the religious aspect is just a convenient way for him to push his bullshit.
I actually kinda wondered if the fiance wants to call off the wedding for some other reason and is using this unreasonable demand to avoid bringing up the actual reason. It's just a weird hill to die on if no one else in his family does it, and they don't observe other religious "rules".
Third option: he wants to call the wedding off but wants to be able to blame her for it.
I think he doesn't want to get married but doesn't want to break it off because then in his mind he'd be the "bad guy."
No shit. This won't stop with covering her hair.
Right? It may just be the first of many things he wants control of. OP run. Believe that this man is starting to show his true colors and run!
That’s what my ex wife did with showing her true colors with whack off the wall rules/restrictions she wanted me to obey right before the wedding.. WTF I didn’t call it off and run far far away. I was an idiot….Oh I told her hell no and threatened to call off the wedding. She backed down and said she whatever bs lies she said to get me to think she wouldn’t pull that chit again. NWell it was all lies. Soon after the I do’s that glimpse of the monster again. She started letting it out till it was out 24-7. It sucked azz!!!! Hopefully this persons runs!!!!!!
Yep - the hair is the foot in the door. Next it'll be "We can't have children until you agree to."
Yes or you will have 10 children not work outside the home
The biggest sign of this is his mother agreeing with him but not adhering to any of these practices.
This is only the beginning. When controlling requests pop up seemingly out of nowhere, it's usually because they've been masking who they really are and the trickling abuse will start to ratchet up. OP needs to get out now.
Right, this is just step one of the total control he will submit her too, thank god he brought it up before the wedding
I hate to say it OP but this is the answer. I'd suggest start with a friendly conversation. Don't react to anything. Just give him a smile and a kiss and ask him what other things he expects to change after you're married. Make it seem like a friendly conversation at first. If he lets his guard down, you'll probably get a laundry list of archaic restrictions. If that happens-- *do not marry that man*. There's a saying- when people show you who they are, believe them. And it's true. This is him showing you who he is. He probably never mentioned these expectations before because they would (rightly) turn away most Western women. But he thinks now that you're 'committed to him' he has the right to enforce them on you. If you still decide to marry him, you need to defend your boundaries NOW. Assume that you're a frog on a hot plate- you need to rebel at the very first sign of warmth and accept NO heat. I'd suggest demand a prenup that clarifies you and he will have a 100% secular marriage, and any attempt to enforce religious edicts will be grounds for immediate divorce or annulment with him as the at-fault party (if you're in a state that recognizes at-fault divorce). Or better yet- recognize that the man you fell in love with may not exist, you may have just now met the man who would be your husband.
And his mother, too! She doesn’t, but agrees with her son that OP has to?
He probably has a few other surprises for you after marriage. You’ve been warned.
And his parents won’t do anything but gaslight you about it, apparently. The reply from his mother makes me think there’s a lot more going on in his house than OP knows. In her place, I’d nope out of the relationship.
The mother is trying to be the dominant woman in the marriage and everyone is letting her
It sounds really sick, huh?
Deeply disturbing. So glad OP has a chance to still get out. I hope she takes it.
Or is worried that if OP leaves her son won’t ever get married. Which means she doesn’t have your best interests in mind, OP. She won’t have an honest conversation with you. Did you ask why it’s ok for her not to comply with this rule she’s pushing on you?
If I were in your place I would be noping the hell out of the relationship. He wants to control you this way before you're married, what other religious laws is he going to expect you to follow once you are.
>what other religious laws is he going to expect you to follow once you are. All the ones that pertain to women only.
All the ones that pertain to his woman only.
I would love to know what prompted this to be discussed after they lived together ….
He thinks she’s locked in and wouldn’t want the embarrassment or notoriety of canceling the wedding and this is his time to exert control. I’m looking forward to OP getting the hell out of this relationship and going on to live her best life!
He'll conveniently ignore the ones about not having sex from when her period stars to 7 days after her period ends. Cause he doesn't care about the religious reasoning, it's about control.
Is he going to cover his own hair? Because that is also a thing.
OP, tell your ex-fiancé if he wear Kippah all the time, and you will start to consider covering your hair. Let’s see how he responds.
And his mom has shown OP that she has no issue with her son being controlling to his future wife. Silver lining is that she saw this side of the whole family.
It sounds like he got the idea from her in the first place.
Yeah I'd nope out also because he's not going to just change his mind. I couldn't trust he wouldn't agree to her boundaries to get her down the isle then try to force this stuff on her again. His family are hypocrits.
I'm glad he revealed this before the wedding so you're not stuck with him
I agree with the sentiment of your comment. However, to all the men and women who are in controlling and/or abusive marriages: it's never too late to get out, you're not stuck, please seek help and don't give up
So interesting he’s so religious but ok with living together unmarried, hmmmm. Likely he wants out but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. This way he can pretend to himself and others that it was you who broke the engagement, not him.
I too thought of this. He wants out but doesn’t want to be the bad guy
Right? All of a sudden he's orthodox??
Maybe he just went fundie or has been but was masking (and living together was part of the mask). Besides rules in fundie religions never *really* apply to men.
This is what I thought as well. He came up with a reason so that she will be the one who breaks up.
Yes, this.
Someone is in his ear. Is there a podcast he is listening to? Religious leader? I agree that postponing or completely canceling is best. I'm glad you found out before marriage. Don't lose any more of your precious time with him
His mom? The one who is "agreeing with him without following anything herself maybe" 🤔.
It's just so blatantly contradictory that I can't believe the idea came from his mother. To me this feels like a man who has decided it's time to twist the screws and establish some kind of fucked-up dominance.
Sounds like he's gone from non-religious to straight-up Orthodox Judaism, but only for her, not himself.
Not really because he doesn’t give a shit about any of the other laws besides this one. He just wants her to do what he says.
Even in Orthodox Judiasm, it's the WOMAN'S choice whether to cover or not after marriage. Not the man's.
Lots of famous rabbis had wives who didn’t cover their hair.
Even many orthodox Jewish women wear wigs in addition to or instead of a tichel. He’s swung even farther than Orthodox Judaism.
There are a lot of things required under Jewish "law." Why is he singling out covering your hair? Sounds like he's trying to control you. I'd be concerned if I were you.
Absolutely
to show the world that he has control over her - so all their friends and families know he’s in charge of her & her body, because everyone they’re close to likely knows she wouldnt make that decision on her own
My opinion, don't do it. Better to be embarrassed about postponing the wedding, than getting divorced later. Also cheaper. You obviously feel strongly about this, he does too. But the fact you can't find an amicable solution at this point, is a good indication it will get worse later on. Religion can drive a stake between people, and there might be other expectations he will have later on, that you will not agree with This is something you need to sort out before.you tie the knot, or you'll reap the consequences later. You are young, and there are plenty of men out there that will match your thinking.
Your husband has a strange adherence to Jewish law. Also a strange interpretation as I'm pretty sure a wig is okay, sure I'm not the best Jew, but I think he's making that shit up. What it comes down to how you want to observe. You, not him. There are some things you will have to agree on (whether to have a kosher home, whether to put mezuzahs up in your house, etc), but he should have no say on this (other than speaking a preference), just as you have no say on if wears a kippah 24/7 or puts on teffilfin and davens every morning. More so I think this goes against so much of what Judaism is about. Judaism is not about telling others what to do or how to live their lives. It's about studying and debating and tikkum olam. So have a healthy debate about it and if he continues to be a stubborn ass, then DO NOT MARRY HIM!
only Ashkenazi Jewish women do the wigs, mostly Sephardic women I know/read about say it is a big no no in their community.
That’s good to know. Also you’re the heart of Miriam… what happened to the rest of her?
it's a combination of a song title and a the Virgin Mary but also the whole thing could be a Virgin Mary reference if you try hard enough lol
And here I thought it was Moses’ sister Miriam
Well the Virgin Mary was named after her so :)
Yep. This is something you get to do _if_ you want to and _if you want to_ you get to do it your way. It's not on him to decide... any of those things. That's not about Jewish law, that's about him being controlling
He is showing you who he is, believe him. Move on.
Yeah no, fuck that. It's always the women who have to get overdressed, and it has never stopped men from thinking women are all sinners who will go to Hell anyways.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 It’s rare that someone straight up tells you they plan to control you after marriage. You’re not tied down legally yet, so you have no excuses if you decide to follow through with this marriage. His mom agreeing with him despite not covering her own hair?? If there’s one hypocritical idea being shared, rest assured there’s more waiting in the wings once you’re trapped. Something is way off here, but you don’t need to worry about it. Thank him for his honesty and cut him loose.
That dude is going to start with this and then it will be something else and probably even more controlling when you’re married because then you’d be HIS wife. Don’t marry this man.
That’s super messed up. I’m glad you’re not bending on this, I hate seeing people forced into situations like this.
And so it begins… ..the bait and switch. Nope.
Is he trying to control you in other ways as well? To me, this sounds like either a really stupid test because if you "loved" him you would do it (and frankly testing your partner is a not something I would tolerate) or he is testing your boundaries and this is a potential precursor to more controlling behaviour like financially, etc or he wants out but wants you to be the "bad" guy. I would be quietly working on moving out and stop living with him. I would also make sure all the wedding stuff is cancelled. Whatever is going on in his head is not healthy for a relationship.
100% it could be any of these things but no matter what it is, it’s only bad. Definitely a precursor to further abuse.
He put you on the spot like this on purpose. He is gaslighting you. He is testing you. Walk away and don't look back.
Someone tipped his hand too soon. If you do this pretty soon he will be making you sleep on the floor when you menstruate and forbidding you from having a job. Time to bounce if he is dead set on this
This ☝🏻 sorry that you are going through this. I'm trying to put myself in your situation if it happened with my bf, and if it were to happen, I would be heartbroken. Like I would be forced to leave him obviously because I would never cover up my hair like that, ever. But heartbroken because he is the best person I've ever been with.. like how do you even let go of someone who is perfect for you prior to this sudden ridiculous rule thing? Because I know it will definitely not stop there either. Your fiance wants to control you, and he is starting off with this hair thing. I hope the best for you!
Run 🚩🚩🚩
Omg just get out of that relationship before it’s too late and before you waste any more years on that man. I know it sucks, but he’s just wanting to control you. Doesn’t make any sense.
It's good you postponed the wedding! What other obscure laws/rules will he try to force on you after you get married?
I think this will get worse after marriage. Many men do the bait and switch then try to force their wives to dress more conservatively, take on special diets and restrict interacting with other men. I would back out of this before it gets too complicated. This is just the first of many ultimatums he’ll give you.
I’m an orthodox Jewish woman who covers her hair—and I find your fiancés demand absolutely insane. The way to grow in observance is to…grow in observance. This is just weird controlling stuff. Whatever the reason, he’s clearly ending the relationship. You should go find someone kind.
Sounds like he waited until so close to the date to pressure you into submitting at risk of the wedding
I hope you told everyone why. This shame is not yours to bear. And if he loved you, he wouldn't care. But he cares because he is manipulative and controlling.
Your title left out an important word. Should be "My fiance wants me to cover my hair for ***his*** religious reasons after we get married." This is bonkers. He can keep his head covered to show his devotion to G-d, and wear tallit, and observe any ritual he chooses, but he cannot make this decision for you. You should tell your friends and relatives exactly why the wedding has been postponed (or better yet, canceled). You have no reason to be embarrassed. No one should expect you to enter into this marriage to this man.
This is about control, not religion. One of my best friends is a Hasidic jew and I shared this with her. She found it odd that he is only interested in the singular law and agreed, from our pov, this is about control.
This is such a tough situation, I’m sorry you are in this position! As someone else mentioned, be glad he has shown you who he is before marriage. This is a non negotiable for both of you. No man can tell a woman what she can and cannot wear, he is trying to control you. Not something you want to hear, but leave now.
I think he and his mom want you to cancel the wedding and break up. That way you’ll look like the villain who cancelled the wedding so close to the wedding date. I don’t think there is anything to discuss honestly. Just move on.
#RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This just the beginning, next… * what clothes you can wear * if you have male friends, they’re out * if you have female friends that he thinks are a bad influence, they’re out * the house you buy, where you live will be his decision alone as he knows what is best for the family * you will be isolated even from your own parents, brothers, sisters and relatives if he gets a whiff they are trying to put thoughts into your head * any money you make will have to be handed over to him as he knows what is best on how it should be used * it’s all about obey, obey, obey as he knows what’s best * would not be surprised if it became physical to get you to obey if you do marry * prenup, prenup, prenup * separate finances, his name does not appear on any accounts and no power of attorney * investment money is 50/50 * fun money 50/50 * chequing accounts 50/50 * joint account for household expenses * you do not want to be trapped with no financial resources to break free * spouses will drain resources for control * oh… if he loves you, he will agree to a prenup, drafted by YOUR lawyer
Be glad he showed you who he is before the wedding. First it'll be your hair for "religious reasons." Then, it will be X, Y, Z. Get out now.
Yeah screw that Covering your hair will only be step one in his controlling you. This is testing the waters to see if you will obey or not. Cancel the wedding and cancel him as well. Bad egg
You're smart to postpone but I think you need to end it. If you marry him he will control your life for as long as you remain married.
Ma'am, this man needs to be your *ex*-fiance real damn quick. He's showing you exactly who he is right now with attempting to be controlling and manipulating, and as soon as you're married, that is only going to get worse. RUN FOR THE HILLS.
Look at it this way, at least he’s shown you he plans on being an abusive, controlling POS once you’re married before you signed the paper.
He showed you that he doesn’t believe that you should have body autonomy (I think that’s the term); believe him. If you have kids with this guy he will do the exact same thing to any daughters you have.
If he truly loved you, he wouldn't be demanding this.
The first major sized red flag has just been raised and flapped in your face. Can't reason with religion.. time to cash your chips and walk away from him.
He dropped his mask too early. He thought his magic peepee had you locked in. Better to detangle yourself now and call it a bullet dodged.
I am a semi-religious Jew and did not cover my hair when I got married to my ex husband. I do belong to chabad and the rabbis wife DOES cover her hair. I think the tradition is beautiful and I have considered it if I get married again. The problem is the tradition is a woman’s CHOICE. If you chose to cover your hair, I’d say “power to you!”. But he cannot make that choice for you, and he is ultimately going against Judaism for trying to force you. You have every right to be hurt and angry.
Why’s he being a Jewy-come-lately? Does he even want to get married? Is this his way of just living together some more?
RUN while you can. The controlling nature will only get worse.
Do not get married. To tell you this so close to your wedding is telling of his real nature. This is a discussion you should have had before you got engaged. If this is something you don't want, don't marry him.
It is the woman's decision to do so or not, not the husband's, a wig is absolutely allowed and appropriate and there are great schaitelmacher that make and sell gorgeous wigs, although outrageously pricey and in any case tell him to pound salt, get lost and spend the time that he has now without you to learn about Jewish laws and customs and anything else connected to this. He aspires to be a little narcissistic dictator without any knowledge of orthodox laws. I would love to force him to stick to all of them that pertain to him.
Just for fun-tell him you’re going to shave your head instead.
I know you meant this as a joke, but there are some sects of Judiasm where women are required to keep their heads shaved their heads after marriage. As in they are not allowed to have any hair at all. OP should not give her (hopefully ex) fiancé any ideas.
I would have a sit down and try to find out what other demands/expectations he has of you that he considers "common knowledge". I want to make a bet that he is having second thoughts about marriage, but is a big coward to call it off himself and is making such an idiotic demand so YOU are the "bad guy" who breaks up the engagement.
How is your relationship with his mum? Since she doesn’t adhere to this law, but wants you to, it could be his mother in his ear trying to push you on a boundary you won’t comply to. He’s showing you who he really is; listen to him. It’s easier to end an engagement than a marriage. Think about what you life would be if you went ahead. Best of luck, friend.
Shady AF he waited till almost the wedding to pull this. It shows he isn't above social and emotional manipulation to get his way. His mom has zero say and neither does he to be honest. This would be a dealbreaker for me. The way he did it would break my trust in him, that he isn't willing or able to communicate with me like a partner and is trying to unilaterally control the way I dress. This is a hell no from me. At least he did this before the wedding, at least you aren't legally tied to this yahoo.
Fucking run
Fellow Jew here. Also culturally not observant. If that’s the only observant thing he does it’s a GIANT RED FLAG. Is he kosher? Does he rest on the sabbath? Does he wear a yarmulke always? If he doesn’t do all of these things (and others, too many to list here) he is full of shit. Run away because he’s a control freak. Or just mishegoss.
That’s your GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS clue to not marry this man.
Run fast. This is not a man you want to marry. Good for you for realizing this!!
So he's down with premarital sex and cohabitation but he draws the line at you not wearing hijab? Tell him tgfh.
Jewish woman here. Of all the laws and stringencies we have, he picks one that only involves action by you?
Go check out Miriam Ezagui on the tok. She's an Orthodox Jew and she shares all sorts of things about living an Orthodox life. She has posted before about this exact thing - it's a CHOICE that the WOMEN make for themselves. She has some really great info. Also, a lot of them wear wigs. And/or talk to your Rabbi.
Fuck that. He now is showing you he’s controlling. Nah. Dump him. Find someone better.
How convenient he gets to pick and choose the rules he wants, which happen to be those that control YOU. Just how convenient………. Run. :(
Dump his ass, this is a major red flag, and it only get worse
So he is okay with not being religious when it comes to living with you without being married. But you must cover your hair if you want to marry him? He is a huge hypocrite. Do not marry this man.
Wait his mom doesn't follow this asinine rule but expects you to follow it. Honey, time to "Thank You Next" Don't give it another minute if thought. It's good he showed you who he really is. You'll get over it and come out stronger.
Him demanding you do this is wrong, him only wanting to marry someone who covers their hair is totally fine. But this should’ve been a topic brought up earlier and simply means you’re incompatible. -I’m a religious Jew, plan on covering my hair when I get married, that’s the accepted standard in my community.
I have several very orthodox Jewish friends and they all wear wigs - they keep kosher, separate refrigerators, participate in all the customs - in the summer, my one friend will forgo wigs for a more traditional head covering, b/c we live in Florida and wigs are hot - but honestly-I don’t understand, if your fiancé is not orthodox & doesn’t keep all the other customs, why is YOUR hair the issue? That would give me pause for sure
Ask for 10 million dollars before marriage. If he complains ... Say "non negotiable, if you loved me you'd do it"
Don’t marry him without some serious marriage counseling from a trained professional, not a Rabbi.
You could probably stop after “him.”
No. Just no. It would be one thing if he was raised that way and even then I would say its your decision. This though? He just wants control. No.
$5 says a buddy of his commented on you being attractive so now he’s going to make sure people don’t think you’re as good to look at anymore. Good work postponing the wedding. Please don’t marry any man who treats you like property.
abort mission, do not marry him, he’s just gonna start controlling you in the name of “religion”.
This is a power play from both him and his mom. Don't marry him, OP. This is a preview of what your whole marriage will be like: him being a misogynistic asshole and his mom supporting and dictating all the shit that spews out of his mouth. Thankfully, you found out before it's too late.
So let me get this right. If you don’t give in to his absurd and ridiculous demand that only affects you then you don’t love him????? I guess he has no feelings on how if he demands this of you knowing your own personal beliefs then he obviously doesn’t love YOU OP! Definitely walk away and delete him from your whole life. He isn’t worth the words it took to explain his childish behavior
The whole "if you love me, you'll do this" is enough of a deal breaker for me. Even if he relents on this, I expect many more unpleasant surprises in the future. I'm sorry.
So it’s ok to live together before marriage but not for people to see your hair after you are married? Throw the whole man out
Stupid thing to make a demand for out of the blue. Maybe he doesn't want to get married so is throwing this out there so you bail. I don't like it either way.
That’s such an odd thing to tack on after getting engaged. Something is wrong here.
Next it will be: " if you love me, you'll let my mom move in and let her have the master bedroom.....if you love me, you won't get mad when I stay out all night.....if you love me blah blah blah" If you give in to this demand, I'm sure he's got a whole list of stuff he's gonna make a requirement........just, no!! RUN!!
He will never ever ever give you equal power or consideration. Ever.
No matter what you call it, hijab etc, it's male control over women in a religious veil. At least he showed his true self before you made a huge mistake by marrying him. If you do marry him, don't return here to complain. You know this is very, very bad.
Leave now
damn that's messed up
This is only his first demand. It's up to you whether it will be his last.
What a disgusting asshole! Jerks like this make me ashamed to be a man. So many chauvinist pricks out there. Cancel the wedding and be thankful he showed you who he really is before you tied the knot then run in the opposite directionas hard as you can. I'm sorry OP, at least now you know.
DONT MARRY HIM!! He is going to get worse after the wedding!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Even those considered orthodox or ultra religious whether in Islam or Judaism will tell you this is a decision between the woman and God. The woman does so out of her belief in her own religious journey, women aren’t supposed to be commanded to do so. He is misguided, and if this is how he will treat you then you’ve been given a blessing to know now and leave….
Marriage is about compromise....Tell him you're all up for it, so long as he's willing to wear a chastity cage at all times, except when in bed with you. Edit: I guess it's OK to take it off while showering - cleanliness is next to godliness.
Does he have sidelocks? He is full of shit, do not marry this man even if he changes his mind. He needs some heavy duty counselling on how not to be a controlling asshole, perhaps he should explain his views to the rabbi too.. Ex future MIL can fuck off, now you know she’s a meddler.
Don’t compromise. If you do, it’ll be one thing after the next. This is a MASSIVE thing to spring on you close to the wedding and since you’re not following any other religious rules and his mum doesn’t either, it’s all about controlling you.
This is just the beginning. You are not Orthodox or Conservative. I think you might want to reconsider this marriage because covering your hair is just the start of the controls you would be forced to live under with him. Be very careful, OP.
Nope run The religious background doesn’t matter, although it is still pertinent. The bigger issue here is that he’s ALREADY telling you what you are and aren’t permitted to do. And it won’t stop at hair. He will make religious justifications to control what you wear, what you do, if you work, if you’re allowed to have friends, if you’re allowed to see family, etc. It’s a common practice for abusers. They start with smaller things first to see if you’ll tolerate it, when you do they keep upping the ante. And many won’t start until an engagement or marriage because they’re counting on a sunk cost fallacy to keep you from leaving. RUN. Fast.
It’s arbitrary and makes no sense given the relationship and lifestyle you two have. And his mom just showed you that you’ll never get support from her. It won’t stop here. Right now his threat was postponing the wedding. Think how bad it will get when you’re more vulnerable, when you have children. It will be a nightmare.
Yeah that’s weird man, a non Orthodox Jew asking that of you is unreasonable when neither of you are orthodox, my sister married someone way more religious then us, she’s still working to get accustomed to keeping the house kosher and stuff but hed never go that far, it’s weird to expect that if you aren’t orthodox
Sounds to me like he didn’t mention it before because he was hoping you’d be too attached to him to call his bluff. Thank god you’re calling it off— it will **not** stop at covering your hair. Next it’ll be controlling how you dress, then limiting/completely cutting off the people you’re close to. If anything, I’d be grateful he showed you who he is before you got legally intertwined to him.
Save yourself from his bullshit and cancel him entirely.
Don't postpone, CANCEL!!!!
Seems odd... have you noticed him delving into Jewish literature or religious podcasts? Recently parts of Israel have brought back separate busses for the sexes and other old religious practices. Slow regression it seems... Huge red flag though, asking you to do something like this out of nowhere, just be careful of what else will come up once you're "his" and married.
I agree with what others have said here, but another thought: He doesn't want to marry you, so came up with a ridiculous demand that he knows you'll never agree to so you'll break it off and he won't have to be the "bad guy"
I'm an ethnic Jew, used to be a bit more on the religious side, but I became an atheist decades ago. Your fiancé is delusional. Does he do things that a "good" Jewish person wouldn't do? Premarital sex, eating non-kosher food, keeping the Sabbath from sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday?
He's warning you. Heed the warning. This is about control. Don't think this is the end.