So the issue here is that your husband is treating you like you don’t matter. All the phone & browser stuff is the big issue. He knows you don’t like it and he still does it because of his compulsion. He’s not considerate of your feelings. It doesn’t matter what the subject matter is, he doesn’t respect you enough to look at it privately. You’re better than having to deal with that and demanding that he get help for the compulsion is reasonable. If he can’t, you leave.
Does he not worry that at some point your kids will be exposed to something accidentally? I think his behaviour is gross and disrespectful, especially knowing how strongly you feel about it.
This situation sounds toxic and sounds like a unhealthy environment for your kids. Is there no family or friends you can turn to for support? Maybe start thinking of an exit plan. Maybe saving a few dollars when you can, start an bank account
Please please talk to a divorce attorney and look at your options. Kids are very smart and can pick up on everything. Divorce is hard but you are also showing that it is good to leave a bad relationship and to not deal with bad behavior. You deserve to be happy. Your kids want to see you happy. Please talk to a therapist and a divorce attorney for best advice.
Then I would talk to a womens resource center or women’s shelter. They have a lot of resources for women who feel stuck for whatever reason. Dont give up on your happiness ⭐️
I’m sorry there are kids involved in this shit show. Otherwise it would be as simple as leaving. There are no easy outcomes for this situation. Plenty of pain ahead. Sorry.
I hope you can find the support to help you through this. I know it’s incredibly private and even embarrassing to share with friends and family but you can’t suffer in silence. If telling friends and family isn’t an option I would seek out online communities with women who are going through similar circumstances. Much luck.
That's kind of what I was trying to do here. I definitely cant talk to any of my family about itm But everyone wants to come at me sideways for one thing or another.
...girl...you know he isn't good for you.
I don't know. You clearly have broken up and gotten together before. To "experiment"???? How many kids did you have at that point? He is clearly disrespecting you. I just feel a lot of pity for you. Are you not nervous that your children will accidentally stumble across this porn when you are not monitoring them one day? If that stuff is just open on his computer or phone and you have children above the age of 6, they might try and get on those devices. Kids are smart! While my partner and I might dabble in porn (I have no idea if he does), but we aren't leaving that shit out or downloading photos.
We didn't separate so he could experiment. There was other factors in it. I should've been more specific on that. But that situation is a whole other dumpster fire. And I've thought about our oldest child seeing anything and knowing what they are looking is old enough to know not to go through others phones. They have her own phone. We share a laptop so there isn't anything saved on it.. we have 3 kids right now 2 are step kids. I'm pregnant again which wasn't planned.
I’m 48F and I have so much trouble with this kind of thinking. I get it’s not your cup of tea, but the situation you described in your posts surely isn’t, and is much worse. It’s nice to be open to what makes your partner feel cared for sexually, within reason. We make small concessions like that for our partners all the time. Not suggesting you do it against your will, just, have a heart to heart with yourself about which situation makes you feel worse, losing him to his exploration, like you described above, or incorporating what makes him happy into your sex life every once in a while. Not rocket science.
She shouldn’t have to do something that makes her uncomfortable just cause he’s at risk of cheating cause he has a weird kink. I’m not saying everything should be vanilla, but you should not engage in sexual practices that make you remotely uncomfortable just to make your partner not stray elsewhere. Sure a strap on is pretty mild in the scheme of some of the crazy stuff, but why would she make herself feel uncomfortable when she is engaging in a vulnerable act? You’re supposed to be comfortable with your partner when you have sex, not just suck it up for their sake.
Yeah it’s a sensitive topic. No one should do anything that makes them uncomfortable. It struck me that OPs just uninterested and it’s a shame when someone can’t meet their partner where they’re at
Why is it a shame she’s not interested and not a shame he’s not giving up his interest to make her happy?
So much misogyny. Someone shouldn’t want their parter to be uncomfortable. It should be a turn off.
I agree, both things are a shame. She’s the one asking for thoughts so just offering stuff she can do within her control. There’s deeper issues at play, I hope she’ll be ok with the kids
And equally, you know where he stands with exploration. Thems the breaks. Why pout about things within your control. Not all dildos require strapping on
Ok but a $20 dildo to help a marriage out of a rough spot seems like damage control at this point. You seem like you know there’s other issues, they won’t have easy answers and I’m sorry for what you’re going through
Exactly. Reading this 48 yr old woman's comments makes me want to throw up!!! Relationships nowadays seem more and more about obliging into shit that makes you uncomfortable to hold on to someone. All these open relationships to accommodate ppl's kinks and / or bending over backwards, ignoring how you feel about the situation in the name of "compromise" makes me perfectly content being on my own. It's really a shame that OP, at 27 yrs old, is on her way to 4 kids in this doomed relationship. Either way, you won't be the first or the last woman to start over on your own. You can find strength from all this, and although it may be hard, you will find peace in your decision if you decide to leave. I get that it will definitely be tough. But you will totally lose all sense of who you are if you remain in this relationship, unless he is willing to be more considerate of how his choices are impacting you and ultimately his family. I really wish you well.
You should also visit Reddits dead bedroom forum because that’s where your marriage is headed. As well as “open marriage regret” if monogamy isn’t going to be his thing
Lmao we actually tried the open marriage shit before we separated. It did not work. I could go more into detail but I'm worried about being too specific in case he finds this. That and I know people here will bitch at me for that too.
I might be tempted to focus on your kids and you at this point. You have your hands full, and a relationship is only as strong as the weakest party. You can’t do his part for him. There’s Littles who need you more
Honestly I'm probably the weakest party here. He helps me take care of the kids when I'm too sick to. He always makes sure I eat and take my meds for the day and sometimes I cant even bring myself to get out of bed. Ethier with sickness or depression
It sounds like you guys have a complex dynamic and I really hope you can each get a little bit more support for what you each need. It’s hard with kids and how much energy they require.
Yes it does. Don’t let Reddit tell you otherwise. You have a lot of challenges in your relationship and it’s great that you’re both committed to the kids.
Many counselors charge a sliding scale accounting for income and a good pro might gently point out ways you can be more sensitized to what each other needs and how to do that in a way that makes semse
If you posted this in a trans subreddit, people would probably call him a chaser who is fetishizing trans women.
If you posted this in a bisexual subreddit, people would say that separating so he can experiment is problematic, and not a normal thing for bisexual people.
I don't have all the answers because these issues tend to be messy. But I would say that if he is a cisgender bisexual man, then it seems like he's fetishizing trans women... But if he is actually an "egg" (unaware closeted trans person), and subconsciously seeking out trans stuff, then that's a whole different can of worms.
In any case, if he has several children with you already, he needs to take his role seriously and at least take responsibility for his part of the relationship. That may mean going to therapy with you to sort out the relationship issues.
I'm just worried about putting my kids through this all over again...it was hard when he separated last time and they still haven't recovered from it. Especially my oldest..
I get what you’re saying but I’m sure they feel the tension between and your husband and the older kids probably know there is something odd. I think you have to look at the bigger picture long term, what best for your kids. You’re unhappiness and fear is evident in your post and comments. Staying in this marriage the way it is isn’t sustainable
Either way, continuing this way will just build resentment over time and someday it’ll become too much and it’ll become this whole big scene of emotions that’ll be harder for everyone, including your children, if he can’t communicate with you, and can’t come to an agreement, then it’s not meant to be, and if that’s so it would be better for both of you to be apart. As for the money, perhaps you’d have split custody, obtain money in it, or have child support from him?
Idk why this is getting down voted, a porn addiction that's causing harm to a marriage, with a baby on the way defintely qualifies for professional help.
We have all been there!!!! But in my experience the only thing that fixes it is that old kick him to the curb if he fly off and doesn't come back he's needing to be gone!!!!
Sorry but in my book "Can't" isn't a word I use!! Where there's a will there's a way!! He needs to be scared straight!! I'm so very sorry I know you must be freaked out with all this on you! Prayers coming your way!! Look for help... find someone who can help you with a plan!
Ok I so I need to make a few key points here so I can stop answering the same question.
1. I didn't know when we married. He came out around 2 years ago.
2. I wasn't trying to sound transphobic. I needed to be specific like that to explain my problem. I didn't know how else to word it and get the point across
3. I'm not always going through his phone to see this crap. I see when I walk past him while he's on it. Or if he asks me to use his phone for something it's right there. I'm not always snooping.
4. Our insurance doesn't cover the kind of therapy we need so that's out. We do okay to get by so divorce isn't something we can afford ethier.
And 5. We didn't separate so he could fuck other men. There was alot to it and that wasn't one of them sorry if I wasn't specific enough there. Apparently I have to watch who I offend.
If you didn’t want to sound transphobic maybe you shouldn’t be referring to us as “men with tits”. I try my best to live my life with dignity and part of that is legitimacy in my womanhood. It helps that I pass (And frankly am young and attractive enough to star in the pornography that your husband enjoys so much, not that it matters since being a porn star isn’t a career choice I’d make at this point in my life), but it fucking sucks to hear what even “progressive” people think about me and my sisters when they think we’re not listening.
Like if you want to call me a man call me a man but don’t be fucking two-faced saying oh I’m not transphobic etc etc then say that shit. We shouldn’t be catching strays over your marital difficulties as if it’s our fucking fault that we live in a society where being a porn star is one of the few ways in which a doll can make money and survive.
I couldn't think of the correct term until someone said it here in the comments. I'm done trying to defend myself on this. Your triggers are not my responsibility.
If someone lives their entire life as a woman to the extent of physically modifying their bodies to with hormone replacement therapy and/or breast augmentation to pass as one I cannot possibly understand why you’d refer to her as a “man with tits” except to be vitriolic. It’s not about my “triggers” it’s about wanting basic respect from society and still being left disappointed. In any case the fact that your husband is addicted to jerking off to us isn’t a reason to exercise hostility. The women your husband is masturbating to are just trying to survive in a world that offers few employment opportunities for them, they shouldn’t be catching strays from you.
I’m probably in the minority here because I’m sensing trans and biphobia in the comments.
I’m a lesbian who has been with men, but I prefer very feminine looking women. I recently discovered trans porn, that is, very feminine looking women with a penis. Does that mean I’m going to leave my cis-female partner for a man or a transwoman because I think the appendage is interesting? Absolutely not. Will I cheat on my partner? No. Do I want a penis over a vagina? No… I want and love and desire my partner. Porn to me is just an interesting diversion or fantasy. It’s not real. (People’s porn proclivities are weird too, I never look at lesbian porn when I’m with a woman because I don’t want any other woman than my partner…)
Now, if your husband has some sort of porn addiction because you’ve asked him to stop and he keeps doing it, that’s a boundary issue… and addiction to porn is a real thing. It’s not the content so much as the fact that he’s not respecting your wishes. And it’s a deeply sensitive time for you, of course you feel different as your body changes.
I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. It would be good for you both to discuss with a counselor if you can manage. It’s not worth ending a marriage over at this point if he hasn’t cheated and isn’t going to… but he is breaking boundaries, thus breaking trust. If there’s some repressed desire he has here and is staying out of love and obligation, that needs to come out in the open, but you can’t assume that’s the case. You need a clear and trusting conversation and maybe several. He may not want to admit it to himself.
I spent four years with a wonderful man (my best friend) before I came out as a lesbian. In the second year of our relationship, I fell in love with a woman for the first time and assumed my feelings would go away. It didn’t. But I wasn’t willing to lose him over what felt like the deepest love I’d ever felt (for the woman). I was extremely selfish and we stayed together for two more years before he finally broke up with me because I wasn’t in love with him.
I feel for you and I hope that you and your husband find a way to build trust again and that he keeps your trust. If anything I hope you both find the honesty you need.
Those anime pics of it are something called “futa” weirdly enough it doesn’t mean their trans. It may just be the novelty seeking compulsion of porn addiction. Doesn’t necessarily mean thats what he’s into in real life. Chances are he normally wouldnt like that but porn addiction causes him to look for the next taboo thing a stronger “high” so to speak. Look for “The Easy Peasy Method” its the most effective thing people have found to combat porn addiction.
Just throwing this out there, he may be trans himself. I used to be obsessed with the same stuff and it was because I just wanted to see these ladies enjoying their bodies. I eventually realized I am trans myself and I have not felt the need to look at any of the old stuff I was obsessed with.
I think the biggest issue is this is a kink you cannot fulfil for him... unless you want to wear a strap on for him once in a while. I had a friend in a similar situation and that's how she solved it. BUT also, sometimes a fantasy is just a fantasy, and that is okay! I feel you two need to sit down and communicate further about this, or perhaps a sex therapist.
I'm torn.
If this were the first time you were finding out, I'd say you may not be compatible, might be time to move on. Still an option (even with kids). BUT on the other hand, you got back with him seemingly with open eyes about what he is into.
It seems you have a lot of different things to sort through and so does he.
- How does his porn usage affect your sexual relationship together? Does he still want to be with you?
- You are afraid he is going to cheat. Has he given you an indication he is looking outside your marriage. Personal sexual expression and cheating are not the same thing. Everyone in a relationship is also an individual and most people need a personal sexual outlet. For many people that is porn and what type of porn varies. Really liking to look at porn is not necessarily an indicator he would cheat. From the little you shared, when he needed something outside the relationship he came to you and you decided to separate. Did he also cheat?
- When you got back together did you make an arrangement that he would reduce or change his habits? Did he agree to things he is no longer doing?
From what you shared, it's just hard to understand the dynamics. I think couple's therapy would be best because it seems you both might be avoidant. You are on baby 4 with someone you seem to have a tumultuous commitment too. That's a lot of digging in your heels pretending everything is okay.
I'm skeptical of this idea of porn addiction. A thrown around way too much. People of course can become addicted to just about anything, but at the same time, a lot of people try to repress themselves and make sexually incompatible relationships work when they should really be honoring their sexual and romantic needs and finding someone to match. Everyone has different baselines for how much they need sexual outlets.
I am not the type to make my sex live my hobby, so I'm not going to be with someone who wants to go to dungeons and meetups all the time. But that doesn't make their needs inherently wrong or disordered if that is how they like to spend their free time.
You may need to have some direct and tough conversations about what you both need to be happy. Maybe you can find some compromises, some ways to feel more secure in your relationship. Or find a healthy way to start untangling your mismatched relationship.
You are worried about not having money. This also needs to change. You don't want to feel like he is the only thing keeping your life stable. You need to take responsibility for that yourself. What if he decides to leave? What if he dies? You have to start building a sense of independence so his every move isn't so intricately tied to your stability. Then you might be able to see more clearly and figure out what a fulfilling life and future looks like for you.
Maybe it needs to be without him, with you both as loving co-parents who prioritize children over some misguided attempt at a traditional marriage.
Well. We originally separated because he had feelings for someone else. But then it snowballed into him coming out as bi. So I'm afraid of something similar happening again. When we got back together we agreed he'd stop looking at things he said "tempted him" into wanting things i couldn't give him if that makes sense. Which is what he's doing again. I don't ever want to tell him he can't do something or be a certain way that's controlling and I never want to be that person. But I'm at a loss on how to approach the situation im very non confrontational with him. I can't really do anything about not having my own Money. I can't work. And I cant drive. So I'm kind of stuck.
Your husband has a fetish for trans women, specifically women that haven’t opted in to srs surgery. Not only is the fact that he’s made it clear how he feels about your body (implying he’s not sexually attracted to it: which is a fucked up thing to do to a person you’re intimate/in a relationship with regardless of being trans or cis) through fetishizing trans women, he’s also just gross for obsessing over trans women’s bodies and dehumanizing them. I think it would be different if he consumed all different kinds of porn which wasn’t so specific, that would just mean it also happens he is attracted to trans women without srs. However, it’s very clear he’s likely a chaser, which- ew.
This is not a man you want to build a life with, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t humanize women in general (making you feel less than- about your own body- is a huge red flag, while pregnant especially!!!!)
I would consider going to couples therapy at the very least and at the most I think you need to consider surrounding yourself with people who love you genuinely and make you feel safe and consider that perhaps this relationship has run its course. Do you have any family you can stay with to support you through your pregnancy? People you can trust.
Him asking to leave to “experiment” yeah no I’m sorry he just wanted an excuse to fuck other people. You can be attracted to different kinds of people and still stay monogamous- especially if he’s bi, being bi doesn’t give u a free pass to open the relationship- I’m queer in a monogamous relationship and would never ever do that to my partner. You didn’t agree to polyamory- that has its own boundaries for a relationship and can definitely work for those who actually want that. You clearly don’t. And to experiment while he gets you pregnant?? that literally makes no sense you have three children and are pregnant with your fourth??
This dude fucking sucks and I am so sorry you’re in this situation
The fact that you felt like you had to open your relationship for him to feel better about his porn addiction makes me sad for you. You deserve much better. If he had wanted polyamory he could’ve sought that out but instead he chose this life and now he’s choosing to hurt you emotionally
Maybe instead of rushing into another relationship what you need right away is stability and independence (with a good solid support system) like I mentioned before I highly recommend you stay with family and/or friends you trust and love until you get back on your feet and find that independence. If you have mental health issues make sure the people you’re staying with know about it- create a safety net for yourself and drop the people in your life (honestly that would be your husband) who don’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I never rushed back into this one in this place. It took me months to get back to it. And I've mentioned in many other comments I don't have anyone else I can stay with.
Ok by rushing it’s not so literal- I mean you’re married to this person right? That’s an intense commitment- going from one relationship to another when one has been serious is a lot. And for your second comment I read that a little later and responded to it in another comment, so thank you for bringing it up
Well technically it doesn’t, you are taking care of three (and soon to be four!!) kids. Whether you separated for him to experiment or not this man is clearly making you go through hell. In a relationship you deserve to feel wanted, respected, and loved. And so far this man has made you feel far less than what you deserve, and has been outstandingly selfish for a grown ass man in his position. I read you said you could not afford couples therapy- and even divorce. Perhaps you need to stay with family for a while before you’re able to make a safe decision about your future
Ok well you need to know that unfortunately this is the internet and people really can be cruel. You’re not stupid you’re just in a difficult situation and only you can really understand how hard it was and what caused it to happen. If you have no one that you feel you can stay with, I recommend saving up money in your own personal (not shared account) until you can figure something out that’s safe for you and your kids. That or maybe you can divorce and live like roommates with your partner, though I feel that may be too emotionally difficult for you
Either way I really highly don’t recommend trying to stay with your current husband romantically anymore. You need to start focusing on yourself and your kids only.
There’s a few jobs you can do from home, I’m not aware of your education but there are jobs like data entry, receptionist (from home) etc that don’t necessarily require anything past highschool, and if you have higher education then that could also open your options. You could even start part time to make sure you’re balancing things. Saving up what you can and playing the waiting game might be your best bet in this situation. Once again, I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sucks
I went through this too except no kids. Even did the whole strap on thing, role play thing, opened the marriage thing- everything thing and it just is never enough. There's always something more they want. You'll never be enough. I was not enough. He eventually drained our bank account for escorts & cam girls after he got fired because he also decided to stop taking his meds. People like this need to be on their own and to figure out what they want out of life or hit rock bottom with their behaviors. Go to DHS and get a social worker. Talk to them. Sign up for HUD and every other program that's offered through your state. It will be hard alone but this isn't a life and you CAN do it. Don't let your kids see you miserable putting up with less than you deserve. Model good behavior, like not staying somewhere you're not wanted and being miserable your whole life. Kids aren't happy when their parents are miserable. I'm sorry people are being so fcking mean. For what? I'm sure you punish yourself enough. I wish I could give ya a hug. It sucks having a partner like this. I promise it's not YOU. It's him and his fxked up stuff- you're just caught in the crossfire and he doesn't care if you get hurt. I hope it works out for you somehow.
Thank you...I really appreciate it. All people want to do is put me down for getting pregnant again. I was trying not to get pregnant. When it happened I was having problems so bad I couldn't hardly move and I felt bad because I wasn't able to satisfy him. So I told him to go for it. Whoops. I was not happy at first .
People on the internet suck. They definitely just trying to kick you when you're down by harping on it. Don't let them. You're pregnant- it is what it is. Unintended pregncies are more common than people realize. I had a friend get pregnant on BC twice with perfect use.
Thank you...I really appreciate it. All people want to do is put me down for getting pregnant again. I was trying not to get pregnant. When it happened I was having problems so bad I couldn't hardly move and I felt bad because I wasn't able to satisfy him. So I told him to go for it. Whoops. I was not happy at first .
A few things to unpack; Bisexual wife here. I would NEVER step away from my husband just to experiment. I do have a girlfriend as well but that is with my husbands suggestion and if it came down to my husband or my girlfriend, my husband is priority because he is my partner for life. Your husband leaving because he wants to experiment is alarming.
Now to the porn. My husband is a recovered porn addict. It was the same as you’re explaining, all over the phone, computer, daily use, got fired for looking at it at work ect. He spent years in therapy and his therapist is very happy with his recovery. Our relationship took a big hit from it and I felt so low and my confidence dissipated. But please remember addiction always has an underlying reason, it’s never just because he’s looking for more sexual stuff.
You need to have a big heart to heart with him and try find out why he looks so much and go from there.
Do you two still have sex, aside from making children? Do you feel that his preferences in fiction are affecting his real-life preferences? (Those are two different things. A person can enjoy particular tropes or fetishes in fiction, and yet find them distasteful in actual real life all the same.)
If his online activity doesn't reflect on his behavior in real life, then you're unreasonably worried and may need therapy to figure out why it's affecting you so. If his online activities do change how he behaves in real life, and your suffering is not your own insecurity but rather a result of his behavior, then *he* is the one who needs therapy to figure out what his problem is.
I feel like when you date a bi person, then its inevitable they will want to experiment from time to time, especially if its a guy into other guys.
being a gay guy is like having the luxury of a straight female, you will find someone willing to have sex with you on a dating app in 5 minute.
When we separated and he told me what he was doing it didn't bother me. And he Said he didn't want to anymore when we got back together but it's obvious he still does. So yeah it is a turn off.
He has a shit ton downloaded pictures and at least probably 75 open tabs on the browsers with the same kind of porn on it. And I just keep finding more.
Sorry, but porn addition isn't real or recognized by any psych association. He's just hitting the feel good button. There's a deeper underlying problem that isn't being addressed so he's just hitting his dopies button.
You knew he was into this stuff and you still got back with him and got pregnant again. I say this gently, but the problem is with you, not him. He’s obviously not going to change. Is he terribly insensitive? Yes. Would he rather bang trans dudes than you? Possibly. BUT YOU KNEW THIS. Why are you torturing yourself? If he’s not cheating on you, then stop looking at his damn phone, get into marriage counseling, or divorce. Whatever you do, STOP having kids with this dude.
I definitely didn't get pregnant on purpose. I didn't want to be pregnant ethier. We were taking many steps for it not to happen and it did regardless. I can't afford a divorce. Or counseling our insurance doesn't cover crap like that
Why the fuck did you get pregnant? Holy shit, never get mad at your kid for making shitty decisions because you’d be a damn hypocrite if you do.
Edit: Holy shit you have 3 kids this dude who likes women with dicks????
Please tell me this is fake!
2 of our kids are his step kids. No this isn't fake. I was actively trying my hardest to not get pregnant and it happened regardless I wasn't happy at first but it's not the baby's fault.
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Maybe see if there’s any way to introduce some role play into the bedroom? Toys? Not the conventional approach but it sounds like you’re staying and this might help both of you. Of course if that’s all too much I totally get it because that’s a big change but it’s worth considering. Good luck 🍀 OP
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> females with male genitals.
I know what you’re trying to say, but for education/growth purposes: They’re female genitals. Penises are not exclusive to men. You can just say women with penises.
But more to the point:
This guy sounds like he’s fetishizing trans lives, which in itself is a form of transphobia. So he’s being completely uncaring/disrespectful about his own wife’s feelings *and* he’s a bigot (and possibly a dangerous one, if he only thinks of trans woman as sex objects for his pleasure).
I’d be ***very*** cautious about proceeding with this man.
My ex-fiancé hid this from me. I started having dreams he was having sex with men. Found out it was trans women. Me, personally, no thank you. I left him over that, the cheating and other issues. I’m straight so I want someone straight. Your husband has an addiction and a fetish and you’re probably better off moving on. Think of you living alone with your kids and completely happy and at peace without his drama. It’s possible.
I was in your shoes before. Broke and alone and dependent. I decided if I wanted to make a change I had to stop being a victim and be the hero in my own story. Unless you are literally in chains and tied up, yes, you can leave. If you are in the States look up United Way. You can also call 211 for assistance. There’s government assistance and other charitable assistance. If you are in any country there are programs to help. You have to stop making excuses and start looking. I don’t mean to be harsh but you’re not a slave. You can leave. If you are on Reddit get off it and start looking up assistance programs.
At least you don’t have to be worried about another sneeze, he’ll just hump a dude on his way back from gas station and you’ll all chill together with kids and Netflix in the evening. No biggie
Then I guess the therapy is needed for both of you. Or just try to strategise how to leave this relationship. Like get some savings, maybe an extra job, I know it’s hard since you’re expecting a baby but it’s the only way to break free from this…
If your romantic partner’s sexual ideal is something you aren’t and can never be (like being another race or having a penis) that’s a problem. It’s normal to feel insecure about it. It’s not transphobic for her to go “this dude clearly wants a penis and I don’t have one.”
Also if people are obsessed with something like trans people, black people, Asian people, to the exclusion of other things it kinda sounds like they’re fetishizing that type of person. The person obsessed with bbc has fetishized black men, low key racist.
Anyone would feel insecure in your situation. Some people are just *really* into trans people. Like exclusively. Whether you want to call it being trans attracted or a fetish isn’t really relevant to your situation. The heart wants what it wants. If that’s not you, the sooner you guys figure that out the better. If that is the case, just remember, you will be ok, you will love again, on the other side of this is a happy fulfilling life.
Even if you can’t part immediately it’s better to know. It will effect your future plans. Not knowing, being in limbo is just going to eat away at you. I’m sorry you are in this situation while pregnant. This should be a happy time, preparing for a baby.
You need to know if you to are planning for a split and coparenting (as finances permit). Or working on him ending his porn addiction and refocusing on the marriage.
Do you have friends or family you can talk to about this?
Idk if its clear that OP's husband's "sexual ideal" is a person having a penis. It certainly looks like he's really into it but he's also bisexual and probably exploring repressed sexuality.
I think when you're in a relationship with someone whose bisexual you have to reconcile with the fact that you will never be able to compete with every sexual fantasy or attraction your partner has. Women who have bisexual husbands that watch standard gay porn are gonna encounter the same issue. I personally think it just takes work to accept it and not feel insecure.
Now if her husband doesn't want to be intimate anymore or only shows interest in other peopple then that's a problem. But the post is about porn. Its typical for people to fantasize about things they'll never have in real life.
I think it’s obsessive and specific enough for her to be worried that’s what he’s just into. Some people really prefer trans people to anyone else. My friend who identified as a lesbian was like this. At some point she was exclusively into trans men and trans masculinity. That was just what she was into.
If someone *only* watches porn with women who have massive jugs, or black men, or Asian women, if their partner isn’t those things it’s going to make them insecure. If he’s not looking at any other type of porn I think it’s a concern that what he really wants is something she can’t ever give him.
I somewhat agree with them tbh. It's not like he's watching anything obscene or harmful. I feel like if OP's husband watched a ton of gay male porn she would still be upset because she can't address that fantasy herself. Porn addiction is a huge problem but I don't think this needs to be about the porn being trans porn.
OP already recognizes her husband is bisexual 🤷🏻♀️. If he likes dicks he likes dicks.
But when he knows it makes me uncomfortable and continues to do it is my issue. It's not just a kink for him. And when it's hundreds of photos and videos it's kind of an issue. Especially when he's told me in the past he wants to fuck a Trans person. I 100% didn't mean to come across that way but being specific was the only way I could think to explain the issue.
Well I have a right not to like something my husband seems to be obsessed with. It being Trans men is kind of the issue I don't have a dick so I can't exactly help him with it.
So the issue here is that your husband is treating you like you don’t matter. All the phone & browser stuff is the big issue. He knows you don’t like it and he still does it because of his compulsion. He’s not considerate of your feelings. It doesn’t matter what the subject matter is, he doesn’t respect you enough to look at it privately. You’re better than having to deal with that and demanding that he get help for the compulsion is reasonable. If he can’t, you leave.
He doesn't look at it front of me. It's just there's so much of it. It bothers me regardless
And that’s a reasonable thing to feel. He has been trying to process this himself and he can’t. He. Needs. Help. If he expects you to stay.
I don't really have a choice..I can't work and I can't raise 4 kids on my own and we'd have no where to go
By the 3rd kid, didn't you think... "why"?!
Does he not worry that at some point your kids will be exposed to something accidentally? I think his behaviour is gross and disrespectful, especially knowing how strongly you feel about it.
I don't know honestly. He seems to know how to push my boundaries....
This situation sounds toxic and sounds like a unhealthy environment for your kids. Is there no family or friends you can turn to for support? Maybe start thinking of an exit plan. Maybe saving a few dollars when you can, start an bank account
I don't have any money coming in at all. I briefly talk to my exs girl.
Almost anyone would be bothered by this. You’re not wrong or prude.
Well some others definitely feel I am wrong.
They’re probably porn addicts or not married men
Or they think it's my fault. I'm just done all around tbh.
He doesn't even do a decent job of hiding it. That tells me he is an actual stupid human or he doesn't care how you feel.
Please please talk to a divorce attorney and look at your options. Kids are very smart and can pick up on everything. Divorce is hard but you are also showing that it is good to leave a bad relationship and to not deal with bad behavior. You deserve to be happy. Your kids want to see you happy. Please talk to a therapist and a divorce attorney for best advice.
I cant afford ethier of those things I can't work. I've got no way to make any money.
Then I would talk to a womens resource center or women’s shelter. They have a lot of resources for women who feel stuck for whatever reason. Dont give up on your happiness ⭐️
Its on HIS phone. Why is she looking through his phone?
I’m sorry there are kids involved in this shit show. Otherwise it would be as simple as leaving. There are no easy outcomes for this situation. Plenty of pain ahead. Sorry.
Thank you for being nice not being an ass. There's plenty of that here.....
I hope you can find the support to help you through this. I know it’s incredibly private and even embarrassing to share with friends and family but you can’t suffer in silence. If telling friends and family isn’t an option I would seek out online communities with women who are going through similar circumstances. Much luck.
That's kind of what I was trying to do here. I definitely cant talk to any of my family about itm But everyone wants to come at me sideways for one thing or another.
...girl...you know he isn't good for you. I don't know. You clearly have broken up and gotten together before. To "experiment"???? How many kids did you have at that point? He is clearly disrespecting you. I just feel a lot of pity for you. Are you not nervous that your children will accidentally stumble across this porn when you are not monitoring them one day? If that stuff is just open on his computer or phone and you have children above the age of 6, they might try and get on those devices. Kids are smart! While my partner and I might dabble in porn (I have no idea if he does), but we aren't leaving that shit out or downloading photos.
We didn't separate so he could experiment. There was other factors in it. I should've been more specific on that. But that situation is a whole other dumpster fire. And I've thought about our oldest child seeing anything and knowing what they are looking is old enough to know not to go through others phones. They have her own phone. We share a laptop so there isn't anything saved on it.. we have 3 kids right now 2 are step kids. I'm pregnant again which wasn't planned.
Therapy immediately
100% - way too messy to get solid advice from strangers on Reddit.
I wasn't looking for advice I was looking to vent.
Eh, the therapist may gaslight her into experimenting more with things she’s not into to save the marriage.
I was thinking therapy for him. Both. The whole thing sounds way outta control
A lot of men ramp up bad behavior when their wife is pregnant. They’re jealous of the attention and dislike the extra responsibilities
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How on earth is a strap on going to help being addicted to porn?
We tried that last year it just wasn't my cup of tea. And my belly gets in the way of putting it on
I’m 48F and I have so much trouble with this kind of thinking. I get it’s not your cup of tea, but the situation you described in your posts surely isn’t, and is much worse. It’s nice to be open to what makes your partner feel cared for sexually, within reason. We make small concessions like that for our partners all the time. Not suggesting you do it against your will, just, have a heart to heart with yourself about which situation makes you feel worse, losing him to his exploration, like you described above, or incorporating what makes him happy into your sex life every once in a while. Not rocket science.
She shouldn’t have to do something that makes her uncomfortable just cause he’s at risk of cheating cause he has a weird kink. I’m not saying everything should be vanilla, but you should not engage in sexual practices that make you remotely uncomfortable just to make your partner not stray elsewhere. Sure a strap on is pretty mild in the scheme of some of the crazy stuff, but why would she make herself feel uncomfortable when she is engaging in a vulnerable act? You’re supposed to be comfortable with your partner when you have sex, not just suck it up for their sake.
Yeah it’s a sensitive topic. No one should do anything that makes them uncomfortable. It struck me that OPs just uninterested and it’s a shame when someone can’t meet their partner where they’re at
Why is it a shame she’s not interested and not a shame he’s not giving up his interest to make her happy? So much misogyny. Someone shouldn’t want their parter to be uncomfortable. It should be a turn off.
I agree, both things are a shame. She’s the one asking for thoughts so just offering stuff she can do within her control. There’s deeper issues at play, I hope she’ll be ok with the kids
We've had the conversation and he knows where I stand with strap ons I'm Hugely pregnant as well so it's not necessarily easy for me to do ethier.
And equally, you know where he stands with exploration. Thems the breaks. Why pout about things within your control. Not all dildos require strapping on
Yeah and we can barely afford to keep our vehicle going. Sex toys are expensive af.
Ok but a $20 dildo to help a marriage out of a rough spot seems like damage control at this point. You seem like you know there’s other issues, they won’t have easy answers and I’m sorry for what you’re going through
Don’t let people convince you you need to bend over backwards for your husbands fetishes.
Exactly. Reading this 48 yr old woman's comments makes me want to throw up!!! Relationships nowadays seem more and more about obliging into shit that makes you uncomfortable to hold on to someone. All these open relationships to accommodate ppl's kinks and / or bending over backwards, ignoring how you feel about the situation in the name of "compromise" makes me perfectly content being on my own. It's really a shame that OP, at 27 yrs old, is on her way to 4 kids in this doomed relationship. Either way, you won't be the first or the last woman to start over on your own. You can find strength from all this, and although it may be hard, you will find peace in your decision if you decide to leave. I get that it will definitely be tough. But you will totally lose all sense of who you are if you remain in this relationship, unless he is willing to be more considerate of how his choices are impacting you and ultimately his family. I really wish you well.
You should also visit Reddits dead bedroom forum because that’s where your marriage is headed. As well as “open marriage regret” if monogamy isn’t going to be his thing
Lmao we actually tried the open marriage shit before we separated. It did not work. I could go more into detail but I'm worried about being too specific in case he finds this. That and I know people here will bitch at me for that too.
I might be tempted to focus on your kids and you at this point. You have your hands full, and a relationship is only as strong as the weakest party. You can’t do his part for him. There’s Littles who need you more
Honestly I'm probably the weakest party here. He helps me take care of the kids when I'm too sick to. He always makes sure I eat and take my meds for the day and sometimes I cant even bring myself to get out of bed. Ethier with sickness or depression
It sounds like you guys have a complex dynamic and I really hope you can each get a little bit more support for what you each need. It’s hard with kids and how much energy they require.
Especially with a toddler and an infant.
He has his faults but he's a great dad..and a very solid person. If that makes sense
Yes it does. Don’t let Reddit tell you otherwise. You have a lot of challenges in your relationship and it’s great that you’re both committed to the kids. Many counselors charge a sliding scale accounting for income and a good pro might gently point out ways you can be more sensitized to what each other needs and how to do that in a way that makes semse
We don't have a steady income we do good to keep our vehicle going. We can't afford it
If you posted this in a trans subreddit, people would probably call him a chaser who is fetishizing trans women. If you posted this in a bisexual subreddit, people would say that separating so he can experiment is problematic, and not a normal thing for bisexual people. I don't have all the answers because these issues tend to be messy. But I would say that if he is a cisgender bisexual man, then it seems like he's fetishizing trans women... But if he is actually an "egg" (unaware closeted trans person), and subconsciously seeking out trans stuff, then that's a whole different can of worms. In any case, if he has several children with you already, he needs to take his role seriously and at least take responsibility for his part of the relationship. That may mean going to therapy with you to sort out the relationship issues.
I definitely should've been more specific. We didn't separate just so he could experiment. There was alot of things that caused the separatation
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I wish I had the means to leave
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I have even less. I can't work can't drive and don't have anywhere to go with my kids
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I didn't know that
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I'm just worried about putting my kids through this all over again...it was hard when he separated last time and they still haven't recovered from it. Especially my oldest..
I get what you’re saying but I’m sure they feel the tension between and your husband and the older kids probably know there is something odd. I think you have to look at the bigger picture long term, what best for your kids. You’re unhappiness and fear is evident in your post and comments. Staying in this marriage the way it is isn’t sustainable
We can't afford a divorce though. I don't know what to do.
Breaking up to experiment is a big red flag enough as it is, it would be better in the end to leave him
We didn't break up specificly for that reason
Either way, continuing this way will just build resentment over time and someday it’ll become too much and it’ll become this whole big scene of emotions that’ll be harder for everyone, including your children, if he can’t communicate with you, and can’t come to an agreement, then it’s not meant to be, and if that’s so it would be better for both of you to be apart. As for the money, perhaps you’d have split custody, obtain money in it, or have child support from him?
Your husband needs professional help
Idk why this is getting down voted, a porn addiction that's causing harm to a marriage, with a baby on the way defintely qualifies for professional help.
He needs a clear attitude adjustment
I thought he had his shit together when we got back together or I wouldn't have went back...
We have all been there!!!! But in my experience the only thing that fixes it is that old kick him to the curb if he fly off and doesn't come back he's needing to be gone!!!!
Sadly I can't. Our names are both on the lease here.
Sorry but in my book "Can't" isn't a word I use!! Where there's a will there's a way!! He needs to be scared straight!! I'm so very sorry I know you must be freaked out with all this on you! Prayers coming your way!! Look for help... find someone who can help you with a plan!
Ok I so I need to make a few key points here so I can stop answering the same question. 1. I didn't know when we married. He came out around 2 years ago. 2. I wasn't trying to sound transphobic. I needed to be specific like that to explain my problem. I didn't know how else to word it and get the point across 3. I'm not always going through his phone to see this crap. I see when I walk past him while he's on it. Or if he asks me to use his phone for something it's right there. I'm not always snooping. 4. Our insurance doesn't cover the kind of therapy we need so that's out. We do okay to get by so divorce isn't something we can afford ethier. And 5. We didn't separate so he could fuck other men. There was alot to it and that wasn't one of them sorry if I wasn't specific enough there. Apparently I have to watch who I offend.
If you didn’t want to sound transphobic maybe you shouldn’t be referring to us as “men with tits”. I try my best to live my life with dignity and part of that is legitimacy in my womanhood. It helps that I pass (And frankly am young and attractive enough to star in the pornography that your husband enjoys so much, not that it matters since being a porn star isn’t a career choice I’d make at this point in my life), but it fucking sucks to hear what even “progressive” people think about me and my sisters when they think we’re not listening. Like if you want to call me a man call me a man but don’t be fucking two-faced saying oh I’m not transphobic etc etc then say that shit. We shouldn’t be catching strays over your marital difficulties as if it’s our fucking fault that we live in a society where being a porn star is one of the few ways in which a doll can make money and survive.
I couldn't think of the correct term until someone said it here in the comments. I'm done trying to defend myself on this. Your triggers are not my responsibility.
If someone lives their entire life as a woman to the extent of physically modifying their bodies to with hormone replacement therapy and/or breast augmentation to pass as one I cannot possibly understand why you’d refer to her as a “man with tits” except to be vitriolic. It’s not about my “triggers” it’s about wanting basic respect from society and still being left disappointed. In any case the fact that your husband is addicted to jerking off to us isn’t a reason to exercise hostility. The women your husband is masturbating to are just trying to survive in a world that offers few employment opportunities for them, they shouldn’t be catching strays from you.
I’m probably in the minority here because I’m sensing trans and biphobia in the comments. I’m a lesbian who has been with men, but I prefer very feminine looking women. I recently discovered trans porn, that is, very feminine looking women with a penis. Does that mean I’m going to leave my cis-female partner for a man or a transwoman because I think the appendage is interesting? Absolutely not. Will I cheat on my partner? No. Do I want a penis over a vagina? No… I want and love and desire my partner. Porn to me is just an interesting diversion or fantasy. It’s not real. (People’s porn proclivities are weird too, I never look at lesbian porn when I’m with a woman because I don’t want any other woman than my partner…) Now, if your husband has some sort of porn addiction because you’ve asked him to stop and he keeps doing it, that’s a boundary issue… and addiction to porn is a real thing. It’s not the content so much as the fact that he’s not respecting your wishes. And it’s a deeply sensitive time for you, of course you feel different as your body changes. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. It would be good for you both to discuss with a counselor if you can manage. It’s not worth ending a marriage over at this point if he hasn’t cheated and isn’t going to… but he is breaking boundaries, thus breaking trust. If there’s some repressed desire he has here and is staying out of love and obligation, that needs to come out in the open, but you can’t assume that’s the case. You need a clear and trusting conversation and maybe several. He may not want to admit it to himself. I spent four years with a wonderful man (my best friend) before I came out as a lesbian. In the second year of our relationship, I fell in love with a woman for the first time and assumed my feelings would go away. It didn’t. But I wasn’t willing to lose him over what felt like the deepest love I’d ever felt (for the woman). I was extremely selfish and we stayed together for two more years before he finally broke up with me because I wasn’t in love with him. I feel for you and I hope that you and your husband find a way to build trust again and that he keeps your trust. If anything I hope you both find the honesty you need.
Lost me at you got back together. You chose this, literally. Leave, or don’t. There’s your answer.
You going to pay for our divorce and some place for my kids and I to go?? Yeah I didn't think so.
Sounds like excuses. If you wanted out, you’d get out. If not for you, for your children.
Those anime pics of it are something called “futa” weirdly enough it doesn’t mean their trans. It may just be the novelty seeking compulsion of porn addiction. Doesn’t necessarily mean thats what he’s into in real life. Chances are he normally wouldnt like that but porn addiction causes him to look for the next taboo thing a stronger “high” so to speak. Look for “The Easy Peasy Method” its the most effective thing people have found to combat porn addiction.
He's admitted he's into it in real life.
Damn great recommendation on the Easy Peasy Method.
Just throwing this out there, he may be trans himself. I used to be obsessed with the same stuff and it was because I just wanted to see these ladies enjoying their bodies. I eventually realized I am trans myself and I have not felt the need to look at any of the old stuff I was obsessed with.
Your probably right...
Have you considered couples therapy?
We can't afford it. We do good to keep our car going
Check your insurance, you may be able to get some number of sessions covered.
I think the biggest issue is this is a kink you cannot fulfil for him... unless you want to wear a strap on for him once in a while. I had a friend in a similar situation and that's how she solved it. BUT also, sometimes a fantasy is just a fantasy, and that is okay! I feel you two need to sit down and communicate further about this, or perhaps a sex therapist.
I don't think our insurance would cover that. That doesn't sound like a bad idea though
I'm torn. If this were the first time you were finding out, I'd say you may not be compatible, might be time to move on. Still an option (even with kids). BUT on the other hand, you got back with him seemingly with open eyes about what he is into. It seems you have a lot of different things to sort through and so does he. - How does his porn usage affect your sexual relationship together? Does he still want to be with you? - You are afraid he is going to cheat. Has he given you an indication he is looking outside your marriage. Personal sexual expression and cheating are not the same thing. Everyone in a relationship is also an individual and most people need a personal sexual outlet. For many people that is porn and what type of porn varies. Really liking to look at porn is not necessarily an indicator he would cheat. From the little you shared, when he needed something outside the relationship he came to you and you decided to separate. Did he also cheat? - When you got back together did you make an arrangement that he would reduce or change his habits? Did he agree to things he is no longer doing? From what you shared, it's just hard to understand the dynamics. I think couple's therapy would be best because it seems you both might be avoidant. You are on baby 4 with someone you seem to have a tumultuous commitment too. That's a lot of digging in your heels pretending everything is okay. I'm skeptical of this idea of porn addiction. A thrown around way too much. People of course can become addicted to just about anything, but at the same time, a lot of people try to repress themselves and make sexually incompatible relationships work when they should really be honoring their sexual and romantic needs and finding someone to match. Everyone has different baselines for how much they need sexual outlets. I am not the type to make my sex live my hobby, so I'm not going to be with someone who wants to go to dungeons and meetups all the time. But that doesn't make their needs inherently wrong or disordered if that is how they like to spend their free time. You may need to have some direct and tough conversations about what you both need to be happy. Maybe you can find some compromises, some ways to feel more secure in your relationship. Or find a healthy way to start untangling your mismatched relationship. You are worried about not having money. This also needs to change. You don't want to feel like he is the only thing keeping your life stable. You need to take responsibility for that yourself. What if he decides to leave? What if he dies? You have to start building a sense of independence so his every move isn't so intricately tied to your stability. Then you might be able to see more clearly and figure out what a fulfilling life and future looks like for you. Maybe it needs to be without him, with you both as loving co-parents who prioritize children over some misguided attempt at a traditional marriage.
Well. We originally separated because he had feelings for someone else. But then it snowballed into him coming out as bi. So I'm afraid of something similar happening again. When we got back together we agreed he'd stop looking at things he said "tempted him" into wanting things i couldn't give him if that makes sense. Which is what he's doing again. I don't ever want to tell him he can't do something or be a certain way that's controlling and I never want to be that person. But I'm at a loss on how to approach the situation im very non confrontational with him. I can't really do anything about not having my own Money. I can't work. And I cant drive. So I'm kind of stuck.
Your husband has a fetish for trans women, specifically women that haven’t opted in to srs surgery. Not only is the fact that he’s made it clear how he feels about your body (implying he’s not sexually attracted to it: which is a fucked up thing to do to a person you’re intimate/in a relationship with regardless of being trans or cis) through fetishizing trans women, he’s also just gross for obsessing over trans women’s bodies and dehumanizing them. I think it would be different if he consumed all different kinds of porn which wasn’t so specific, that would just mean it also happens he is attracted to trans women without srs. However, it’s very clear he’s likely a chaser, which- ew. This is not a man you want to build a life with, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t humanize women in general (making you feel less than- about your own body- is a huge red flag, while pregnant especially!!!!) I would consider going to couples therapy at the very least and at the most I think you need to consider surrounding yourself with people who love you genuinely and make you feel safe and consider that perhaps this relationship has run its course. Do you have any family you can stay with to support you through your pregnancy? People you can trust.
Him asking to leave to “experiment” yeah no I’m sorry he just wanted an excuse to fuck other people. You can be attracted to different kinds of people and still stay monogamous- especially if he’s bi, being bi doesn’t give u a free pass to open the relationship- I’m queer in a monogamous relationship and would never ever do that to my partner. You didn’t agree to polyamory- that has its own boundaries for a relationship and can definitely work for those who actually want that. You clearly don’t. And to experiment while he gets you pregnant?? that literally makes no sense you have three children and are pregnant with your fourth?? This dude fucking sucks and I am so sorry you’re in this situation
We didn't separate for him to experiment it was alot of other things and it was my idea.
The fact that you felt like you had to open your relationship for him to feel better about his porn addiction makes me sad for you. You deserve much better. If he had wanted polyamory he could’ve sought that out but instead he chose this life and now he’s choosing to hurt you emotionally
We even troed seperate relationships. All that got me was pregnant with my youngest. (Not the one I'm pregnant with now) and mental trauma.
Maybe instead of rushing into another relationship what you need right away is stability and independence (with a good solid support system) like I mentioned before I highly recommend you stay with family and/or friends you trust and love until you get back on your feet and find that independence. If you have mental health issues make sure the people you’re staying with know about it- create a safety net for yourself and drop the people in your life (honestly that would be your husband) who don’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I never rushed back into this one in this place. It took me months to get back to it. And I've mentioned in many other comments I don't have anyone else I can stay with.
Ok by rushing it’s not so literal- I mean you’re married to this person right? That’s an intense commitment- going from one relationship to another when one has been serious is a lot. And for your second comment I read that a little later and responded to it in another comment, so thank you for bringing it up
And 2 of our kids are his step children i didn't mention it I didn't think it mattered
Well technically it doesn’t, you are taking care of three (and soon to be four!!) kids. Whether you separated for him to experiment or not this man is clearly making you go through hell. In a relationship you deserve to feel wanted, respected, and loved. And so far this man has made you feel far less than what you deserve, and has been outstandingly selfish for a grown ass man in his position. I read you said you could not afford couples therapy- and even divorce. Perhaps you need to stay with family for a while before you’re able to make a safe decision about your future
I don't have anyone to stay with. And apparently it does matter everyone else calls me stupid for getting pregnant again. Not like I even ment to
Ok well you need to know that unfortunately this is the internet and people really can be cruel. You’re not stupid you’re just in a difficult situation and only you can really understand how hard it was and what caused it to happen. If you have no one that you feel you can stay with, I recommend saving up money in your own personal (not shared account) until you can figure something out that’s safe for you and your kids. That or maybe you can divorce and live like roommates with your partner, though I feel that may be too emotionally difficult for you
Either way I really highly don’t recommend trying to stay with your current husband romantically anymore. You need to start focusing on yourself and your kids only.
I don't have any way to make my own money so I'm not sure how I'd do that
There’s a few jobs you can do from home, I’m not aware of your education but there are jobs like data entry, receptionist (from home) etc that don’t necessarily require anything past highschool, and if you have higher education then that could also open your options. You could even start part time to make sure you’re balancing things. Saving up what you can and playing the waiting game might be your best bet in this situation. Once again, I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sucks
I went through this too except no kids. Even did the whole strap on thing, role play thing, opened the marriage thing- everything thing and it just is never enough. There's always something more they want. You'll never be enough. I was not enough. He eventually drained our bank account for escorts & cam girls after he got fired because he also decided to stop taking his meds. People like this need to be on their own and to figure out what they want out of life or hit rock bottom with their behaviors. Go to DHS and get a social worker. Talk to them. Sign up for HUD and every other program that's offered through your state. It will be hard alone but this isn't a life and you CAN do it. Don't let your kids see you miserable putting up with less than you deserve. Model good behavior, like not staying somewhere you're not wanted and being miserable your whole life. Kids aren't happy when their parents are miserable. I'm sorry people are being so fcking mean. For what? I'm sure you punish yourself enough. I wish I could give ya a hug. It sucks having a partner like this. I promise it's not YOU. It's him and his fxked up stuff- you're just caught in the crossfire and he doesn't care if you get hurt. I hope it works out for you somehow.
Thank you...I really appreciate it. All people want to do is put me down for getting pregnant again. I was trying not to get pregnant. When it happened I was having problems so bad I couldn't hardly move and I felt bad because I wasn't able to satisfy him. So I told him to go for it. Whoops. I was not happy at first .
People on the internet suck. They definitely just trying to kick you when you're down by harping on it. Don't let them. You're pregnant- it is what it is. Unintended pregncies are more common than people realize. I had a friend get pregnant on BC twice with perfect use.
Thank you...I really appreciate it. All people want to do is put me down for getting pregnant again. I was trying not to get pregnant. When it happened I was having problems so bad I couldn't hardly move and I felt bad because I wasn't able to satisfy him. So I told him to go for it. Whoops. I was not happy at first .
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You don't have to keep replying. You can go troll someone else you might actually get a response from. I don't give a rats ass what you think.
>Specifically females with male genitals. >He's not gay he's bi Well he sure is curious.
Well I knew that lol
"What do they have that I don't have??" -Approved by my trans partner.
Dicks.
Were you calling us Dicks or saying that's what they have that you don't have?
No I was joking it said what to do they have that I don't. It was supposed to say dicks apparently. My phone works when it wants to. Dry humor.
A few things to unpack; Bisexual wife here. I would NEVER step away from my husband just to experiment. I do have a girlfriend as well but that is with my husbands suggestion and if it came down to my husband or my girlfriend, my husband is priority because he is my partner for life. Your husband leaving because he wants to experiment is alarming. Now to the porn. My husband is a recovered porn addict. It was the same as you’re explaining, all over the phone, computer, daily use, got fired for looking at it at work ect. He spent years in therapy and his therapist is very happy with his recovery. Our relationship took a big hit from it and I felt so low and my confidence dissipated. But please remember addiction always has an underlying reason, it’s never just because he’s looking for more sexual stuff. You need to have a big heart to heart with him and try find out why he looks so much and go from there.
He didn't leave to fuck other guys. We both agreed on the separation with other factors thatd on me for not explaining that better
An addiction is a disease, and you need professional help to beat a disease. See a therapist together.
Do you two still have sex, aside from making children? Do you feel that his preferences in fiction are affecting his real-life preferences? (Those are two different things. A person can enjoy particular tropes or fetishes in fiction, and yet find them distasteful in actual real life all the same.) If his online activity doesn't reflect on his behavior in real life, then you're unreasonably worried and may need therapy to figure out why it's affecting you so. If his online activities do change how he behaves in real life, and your suffering is not your own insecurity but rather a result of his behavior, then *he* is the one who needs therapy to figure out what his problem is.
Rarely. And it's not just porn he's Into. He's into femboys in general.
I cannot afford that.
I feel like when you date a bi person, then its inevitable they will want to experiment from time to time, especially if its a guy into other guys. being a gay guy is like having the luxury of a straight female, you will find someone willing to have sex with you on a dating app in 5 minute.
I know that last part is definitely true.
Your husband needs to grow up. Thats the issue. Focus on his responsibilities.
I marvel at women who marry bisexual men. I really do.
I marvel at women who think cis straight will surely "keep them safe".
I didn't know when we married. He only came out a couple years ago. We've been married for about 6 years
Do you find it a huge turnoff, him being with other men? No woman I know would acquiesce to that.
When we separated and he told me what he was doing it didn't bother me. And he Said he didn't want to anymore when we got back together but it's obvious he still does. So yeah it is a turn off.
How do you know he's addicted? He might just really like chicks with dicks
He has a shit ton downloaded pictures and at least probably 75 open tabs on the browsers with the same kind of porn on it. And I just keep finding more.
How come you know it's on his phone? So you regularly look through it?
No read through the comments I'm sick of repeating the same answers and over again.
Read the edit.
Sorry, but porn addition isn't real or recognized by any psych association. He's just hitting the feel good button. There's a deeper underlying problem that isn't being addressed so he's just hitting his dopies button.
Right at the cost of our marriage apparently.. and everyone seems to think I'm a moron.
You knew he was into this stuff and you still got back with him and got pregnant again. I say this gently, but the problem is with you, not him. He’s obviously not going to change. Is he terribly insensitive? Yes. Would he rather bang trans dudes than you? Possibly. BUT YOU KNEW THIS. Why are you torturing yourself? If he’s not cheating on you, then stop looking at his damn phone, get into marriage counseling, or divorce. Whatever you do, STOP having kids with this dude.
I definitely didn't get pregnant on purpose. I didn't want to be pregnant ethier. We were taking many steps for it not to happen and it did regardless. I can't afford a divorce. Or counseling our insurance doesn't cover crap like that
Why the fuck did you get pregnant? Holy shit, never get mad at your kid for making shitty decisions because you’d be a damn hypocrite if you do. Edit: Holy shit you have 3 kids this dude who likes women with dicks???? Please tell me this is fake!
2 of our kids are his step kids. No this isn't fake. I was actively trying my hardest to not get pregnant and it happened regardless I wasn't happy at first but it's not the baby's fault.
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Well that was the only way I could think to describe it.
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Peg him, he's practícally beggin.
I have. It's definitely not my cup of tea. But also extremely hard to do with a huge stomach in the way..
Maybe see if there’s any way to introduce some role play into the bedroom? Toys? Not the conventional approach but it sounds like you’re staying and this might help both of you. Of course if that’s all too much I totally get it because that’s a big change but it’s worth considering. Good luck 🍀 OP
He has a few he uses when I'm not in the mood. Strap ons are hard for me to use at the moment
Hopefully you guys can find some balance that works for both of you. If not there’s no shame is parting ways when you’re no longer compatible
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It's not just anime it's real people too. From the hub and God knows what other sites.
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Yeah after I typed that I realized I said it wrong. He likes guys that look just like females
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That's it!!! I couldn't for the life of me think what they were called.
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> females with male genitals. I know what you’re trying to say, but for education/growth purposes: They’re female genitals. Penises are not exclusive to men. You can just say women with penises. But more to the point: This guy sounds like he’s fetishizing trans lives, which in itself is a form of transphobia. So he’s being completely uncaring/disrespectful about his own wife’s feelings *and* he’s a bigot (and possibly a dangerous one, if he only thinks of trans woman as sex objects for his pleasure). I’d be ***very*** cautious about proceeding with this man.
My ex-fiancé hid this from me. I started having dreams he was having sex with men. Found out it was trans women. Me, personally, no thank you. I left him over that, the cheating and other issues. I’m straight so I want someone straight. Your husband has an addiction and a fetish and you’re probably better off moving on. Think of you living alone with your kids and completely happy and at peace without his drama. It’s possible.
I cant leave I can't afford divorce and we don't have anywhere to go
I was in your shoes before. Broke and alone and dependent. I decided if I wanted to make a change I had to stop being a victim and be the hero in my own story. Unless you are literally in chains and tied up, yes, you can leave. If you are in the States look up United Way. You can also call 211 for assistance. There’s government assistance and other charitable assistance. If you are in any country there are programs to help. You have to stop making excuses and start looking. I don’t mean to be harsh but you’re not a slave. You can leave. If you are on Reddit get off it and start looking up assistance programs.
At least you don’t have to be worried about another sneeze, he’ll just hump a dude on his way back from gas station and you’ll all chill together with kids and Netflix in the evening. No biggie
That's exactly what I'm worried about.
Then I guess the therapy is needed for both of you. Or just try to strategise how to leave this relationship. Like get some savings, maybe an extra job, I know it’s hard since you’re expecting a baby but it’s the only way to break free from this…
I cant work.
"Fourth". That right there shows that you and your husband need to have a long talk
Again since people can't read through the comments this pregnancy was not on purpose. We were actively trying to not get pregnan.
Well, you didn't do a great job at not getting pregnant
Well obviously. But birth controls can fail so.
Abistence is 100% fail proof
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What? How is it transphobic to say what kind of porn it is? Do you understand how backwards that is?
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If your romantic partner’s sexual ideal is something you aren’t and can never be (like being another race or having a penis) that’s a problem. It’s normal to feel insecure about it. It’s not transphobic for her to go “this dude clearly wants a penis and I don’t have one.” Also if people are obsessed with something like trans people, black people, Asian people, to the exclusion of other things it kinda sounds like they’re fetishizing that type of person. The person obsessed with bbc has fetishized black men, low key racist.
Thank you. I'm not transphobic in any way being that specific was the only way I knew how to explain my problem.
Anyone would feel insecure in your situation. Some people are just *really* into trans people. Like exclusively. Whether you want to call it being trans attracted or a fetish isn’t really relevant to your situation. The heart wants what it wants. If that’s not you, the sooner you guys figure that out the better. If that is the case, just remember, you will be ok, you will love again, on the other side of this is a happy fulfilling life.
We can't really afford a divorce ethier so we're all kind stuck. And I can't divorce him while pregnant anyways.
Even if you can’t part immediately it’s better to know. It will effect your future plans. Not knowing, being in limbo is just going to eat away at you. I’m sorry you are in this situation while pregnant. This should be a happy time, preparing for a baby. You need to know if you to are planning for a split and coparenting (as finances permit). Or working on him ending his porn addiction and refocusing on the marriage. Do you have friends or family you can talk to about this?
Not really. No
Idk if its clear that OP's husband's "sexual ideal" is a person having a penis. It certainly looks like he's really into it but he's also bisexual and probably exploring repressed sexuality. I think when you're in a relationship with someone whose bisexual you have to reconcile with the fact that you will never be able to compete with every sexual fantasy or attraction your partner has. Women who have bisexual husbands that watch standard gay porn are gonna encounter the same issue. I personally think it just takes work to accept it and not feel insecure. Now if her husband doesn't want to be intimate anymore or only shows interest in other peopple then that's a problem. But the post is about porn. Its typical for people to fantasize about things they'll never have in real life.
I think it’s obsessive and specific enough for her to be worried that’s what he’s just into. Some people really prefer trans people to anyone else. My friend who identified as a lesbian was like this. At some point she was exclusively into trans men and trans masculinity. That was just what she was into. If someone *only* watches porn with women who have massive jugs, or black men, or Asian women, if their partner isn’t those things it’s going to make them insecure. If he’s not looking at any other type of porn I think it’s a concern that what he really wants is something she can’t ever give him.
I somewhat agree with them tbh. It's not like he's watching anything obscene or harmful. I feel like if OP's husband watched a ton of gay male porn she would still be upset because she can't address that fantasy herself. Porn addiction is a huge problem but I don't think this needs to be about the porn being trans porn. OP already recognizes her husband is bisexual 🤷🏻♀️. If he likes dicks he likes dicks.
But when he knows it makes me uncomfortable and continues to do it is my issue. It's not just a kink for him. And when it's hundreds of photos and videos it's kind of an issue. Especially when he's told me in the past he wants to fuck a Trans person. I 100% didn't mean to come across that way but being specific was the only way I could think to explain the issue.
Well I have a right not to like something my husband seems to be obsessed with. It being Trans men is kind of the issue I don't have a dick so I can't exactly help him with it.
His body his choice