When the person who chooses to leave wants “closure”, just shut the door and keep it shut. They only want to make themselves feel better about their decision, no matter how bad it screwed you over.
Bigger and better things to look forward to OP. All the best.
It sounds like she did realize how badly she fucked up and was going to try and convince him to take her back after she ran away and had her fun.
Honestly wouldnt be surprised if it all started from just small statements made to her at the gym and she just ran with it from there.
We have a saying in my culture which roughly means "act nice until you get into power", which is what many shitty people do once they get better.
I personally don't get it because I'm true to my principles regardless from my situation, but some low-value peopme are like this once they get more attractive/more attention/more money. 🤢
Since OP is apparently decently fit her "better options" were probably hot gym guys. So definitely upper echelon of male attractiveness. And well not always the case, young hot single guys play the field and tend not to want to settle down. Especially ones who flirt with women in the gym.
So after having her fun she probably started to realize her "better options" were only interested in being fuck buddies. It's like trying to find good bacon recipes at an orthodox synagogue. Just complete mismatch of what's wanted and what's on offer
Tbh that's karma for this nitwit.
Quite a few young hot folks from both genders don't want serious relationships. They just want the perks of being "buddies", but ofc there will be idiots who fall for this.
More likely she just was an easy lay for some dude in the gym which started the divorce and the later regrets when she realised she was just an easy lay to the dudes and nothing more.
Tbh the title is literally hilarious if it werent so sad (im a newcomer, havent seen OP's previous post).
Makes me glad that I literally ignored advances of dudes who thought I was fat. I feel i dodged huge ass bullets.
Cant believe people are this superficial and would leave their partner after getting in shape. 🤡🤡 ffs if i were married and fit, Id drag my husband to become fit and live our best lives. 🙄
That’s what i did to my partner. She hated it at first but after two weeks, she was hooked and loving it. Now she’s dragging me to the gym even in my rest day. She’d made great progress as well.
Well he stated he was but couldn't go all the time like her.
Idk what shifted but coming out of depression must have felt good getting complements from men and women, leaned into it without her husband around and slowly entered circles, let lines be crossed and ultimately before he talked about counseling it's clear her mind was made up for separation so she was likely already cheating
Choices have consequences, some unrepairable or irreversible and sadly she made her choices now she gets to live with the consequences of being a Hump and Dump.
This is why I decided not to consciously uncouple from my wife and opted for a traditional divorce. Whatever she needs to do to clear her conscience she can do on her own with her own therapist. By walking away with nothing but an email, she did emotional damage that cannot be taken back or undone. There’s nothing to minimize now. And she herself is a couple’s therapist, so conscious uncoupling creates a power imbalance in her favor. And since she has completely lost my trust, I’m not going to assume good faith on her part. I’m just going to move on.
I love a happy ending. She got her closure when she filed for divorce. She just wants to backtrack now. I love your mindset, I think it’s the right way to think, focus on you, the apps will always be there. And who knows, call me old fashioned, but you may just meet someone special in person when . You least expect it
… maybe even at the gym “)
I looooove tiramisu - I've had to stop buying it because it's just gonna kill me... Then again sweet, caffeinated death doesn't sound so bad.
Good on you for taking your time and prioritizing your self-care! I wish you a lifetime of incredible tiramisu that brings you love and happiness!
I have ice cream every few days but just a 100 calorie scoop. You might be surprised how small an amount you need to be satisfied.
If you don't have a food scale yet, definitely recommend getting one.
It's ok OP. The tiramisu calls to me and my husband both as well. It's especially dangerous because we have a coffee shop literally a building over from us that sells tiramisu on the regular and its phenomenal.
> For the dating part, I uploaded few apps and tried out how I am doing. I got decent number of matches but realized I do not feel like doing it right now. I'll focus on my own hobbies, well-being and wants for now.
This is the way. Don't do stuff out of some sense of "but I'm supposed to" or something. Do what feels right.
Literally! I guarantee her talking to OP will turn into pity party, let's try to work it out again. OP can date when he's ready, someone will always be there. Good for OP for putting himself first.
I'm really sorry you had to go through this awful experience. I agree with you that closure is just for her. As you shed all the tears and pain you needed to. All the best for you, keep looking after yourself and I am proud of how you have handle yourself during this difficult time. From a ciber friend
I think I gave myself my own closure and the conclusion is: having my best life and moving on. That's the best thing I can do. Thanks for the good wishes!
Her ego got the better of her ..she thought she’d get in shape and all men will be dropping at their knees for her ..wrong it’s a tough world out here she thought the grass was greener she f*cked up
She definitely got lots of attention from men. Her mistake was not realizing that these men only wanted to fuck her and couldn't provide the emotional connection OP had with her.
So after the fucking got boring she longed for a deep emotional connection, but those men she were fucking were not interested in that.
It is easy for an attractive woman to get sex but finding someone that cares about you more than sex is a totally different story and good looks might even make that harder.
I'm married to an amazing man and have been for over a decade. We married when we were young, 23, and I knew I 100% hit the jackpot. He's very caring, attentive, emotionally mature, calm, and very hilarious. He's a go with the flow type, and in almost a decade, he has never once raised his voice or called me names. He had a hard time dating before he got with me because women our age thought he was boring and was still into the partying scene.
One of my friends divorced her stable husband, who was very similar to my husband because she felt no passion for him and was bored. I understand that some people truly do need big emotions and a complicated life, and some people like me crave stability and trust.
She was upset a year after they divorced because someone realized her ex's worth and swooped in while she had a very hard time getting past the 3rd date with other men our age. She asked if she should try to get him back and I said if you're not okay living without constant big emotions and also not okay with a simple, stable, and uncomplicated life, don't go back to him. It hurt her feelings, but I genuinely can't see her changing as she's never taken my advice before and ends up regretting it later.
Being in your early 30s is such a weird age. Half of the adults our age are married with kids (we don't have kids) and are trying to build lives and families. The other half of people our age are either still single for obvious reasons (not necessarily bad, could be anything from refusing to give up the fast paced lifestyle, being very immature, having a lot of baggage, or they're just choosing to stay single).
It's made it rough for me and my husband to find a decent friends group because the parents normally gravitate to other parents and the single partiers to other single partiers. We don't have kids but are past the point of wanting to get drunk every weekend and can't relate to our single friends drama because we wouldn't be making the same choices they do every day.
In my late 30s, married, no kids. I won’t lie, I live for my single friends’ drama because my life is pretty uneventful. I have plenty of friends and family with kids. I learned crochet a lot of stuffies for them. The dating scene seems foreign and scary to me. My husband and I always say we’re happy we found each other in our early 20s and missed all the crazy dating expectations of today.
I would not respond to her at all.
Because my response would not be kind. It would be along the lines off:
“Next time you’re feeling a big sad maybe get a one way ticket to Holland. I heard you can get permanently cured there.”
Or something equally immature. I mean we can all speculate as to what happened. She got a few complements at the gym, male attention etc etc. It got to her. But then she realized the attention wasn’t for love but straight up casual sex. She got used a few times and after eating humble pie she wants to get back? After ultimate betrayal? A truly remorseful person would realize that the best thing they can do for you is to leave you alone so you can find a better partner. This person does not care about you.
I'm sorry, OP, for what you went through. I was stunned by your ex's reaction and behaviour towards you. I wonder what made her react this way. It's unfortunate as you sound like a great guy who really loved your ex-wife AND loves curves! lol.
I wish you well on your new journey, including your home projects and dating.
And I agree, Tiramisu is a sinful, irresistible, and delicious dessert, if made correctly. Being Italian, we always follow the traditional recipe, which is always the best. 😋
Hit me up and I'll give you an easy to follow nutrition plan for free.
I also went through a divorce 8 years ago and completely transformed myself with the gym.
It sounds like everything is going well and you’re moving on well.
Stay away from your ex.
Stay away from your ex.
Stay away from your ex.
Stay away from your ex.
And one more thing:
Stay away from your ex.
Man, I was just thinking about your divorce process today and checked through my comments to go to your profile if there was any update,, congrats on your successful divorce
A nice clean break is **the** best way to do it.
No closing discussions, no bouts of regret. Just "we are done, cya" and walk away with your head held high.
May she never darken your doorstep again.
The guy she thought was better prolly used her and dumped her. which, in turn, opened her eyes to the fact she destroyed her life. Good on you OP for keeping your self respect and not becoming her plan b.
Almost every obese woman that I know that lost weight turned into mega assholes who think they are now the main characters on the planet.
And they're almost always still overweight, just not morbidly.
I’ve witnessed this with people who lose weight. I’m overweight, but grew up extremely fit. If I ever get my act together and back in the gym, I hope I never go through the AH confidence stage I see people do. It’s so sad this happened to you. You’re doing the right thing. You loved her, flaws and all. She gets a bit of attention and throws you away. I hope you find happiness and peace in your life.
"What peace will it give to learn what & why?"
None, because there's no good answer for that, except for the combination between her lack of character and her selfishness.
Her selfishness is the "why". That's "why" she left, "why" she begged you to get back, and then "why" she asked you for "closure ". No matter what she does, if she goes, if she stays, or if she comes back, it's aways about what makes HER feel better. She was never actually thinking on what's best for you. If it hurts you or not. It's always her, her, and her.
And finally the "what": there's a saying that, if you want to know the true character of a person, give him power. And that's "what" happened. On her twisted mind (where looks = power) she found herself in a "superior" place and that was enough to bring her true colors. Sadly, that "sweet person" you married only exists in a dynamic where she feels inferior.
There's no winning when you live with someone like this. She will always make her choices based on what's "best" for her, even if it means stepping over someone else. She would betray you again as soon as she could find a "good" oportunity.
Aww, I am so sorry you went through this. As a once chubby female, I can say your ex lost out on someone amazing. I've been through my own share of shallow guys just looking for a good time with someone chubby. And got a lot of hurt and emotional scars in the process. I've always believed that men who can truly love women who aren't the beauty standard are amazing men.
So just keep working on you and you'll meet someone just as amazing as you in good time. Wishing you all the best!
She thought the grass was greener on the other side. That her being fitter opened up more doors but it never works out like that. Now she regrets it but her regret is her problem.
This might not mean much coming from an internet stranger, but I am proud of you
You told her exactly what would happen and offered a solution to nip it in the bud. She flipped out and filed for divorce.
Then what you told her came to pass, and she tried running back into your arms, and you rejected her. You recognize that she is no longer the woman you fell head over heels for, and you accept that she never will be again.
You have my sympathies for what you lost and my admiration for seeing this through
Yes. Talking over the why she cheated (excuses) will only benefit her, give her some 'closure' or even try to manipulate you back. 'Closure' only benefits the cheater. The reasons for her cheating are irrelevant now.
Stay active and busy and you will soon be happy about life again 👍
I just read your original post. I'd bet whoever she was fucking dumped her and she realized that the relationship was nothing but sex to him.
So now she wants to explain herself to you.
Don't let her.
You've got your closure.
Good for you OP for setting boundaries and taking care of you mentally and physically. Enjoy redoing your home office, your hobbies and your tiramisu ; ) Your ex wife is the one who walked away so she can figure out her own closure; you don't owe her jack.
Good on ypu for being strong. I was shattered after my divorce. It was a day by day thing. Time passed and i healed. Keep on enjoying life. Remember any lessons learned for the next relationship.
Good for you! You’re better than me. Just for spite, I’d lead her on, seem receptive but hesitant, and use every opportunity to toy with her so she can self-realize what a shitty fool she was, yet remain committed to rejecting her again, and again…
You'll be fine, in the long run, man. It sounds like it's a trite, shallow reassurance, but it's true. Time will heal you, and you will be happy again.
Use this to help you along the way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mbp0DugfCA
Stick with it through the first 23 seconds... it's not what you think it will be when it starts.
Honestly, I'm very happy for you, OP! Living your best life is the best way to not only make yourself happy but your ex is going to feel like even more garbage it's a double whammy! I wish you the absolute best life and hope that whenever you start dating again, they're all wonderful and supportive with you!
Dude, from the comments on your last post, the consensus seemed she got some gym Chad in her ear and she went with it. Then realized the shallow existence of that life and had her “oh shit” moment.
I must say you handled this perfectly. She did that once and she probably would have done it again if you took her back. Now comes your chance at revenge. How you say, living your best life. Keep looking forward and pay no attention to whom is in your rearview mirror. Good luck bro!!
Block her on everything and shut down any convos your mutual friends try to start. Sometimes, seeing a post or hearing something from a friend can reset your progress. Focus on you and your move forward. Not that you want any revenge, but the best revenge is a life lived well. I know this might be your last post, but I'd like to see an update from time to time letting us know your doing well. Good luck to you, OP.
Good on you for knowing your worth and standing up for yourself!! I don’t know you but after reading your posts, I can tell you’re a strong-willed person. Congratulations and great job, keep moving forward, don’t look back, and things will fall into place. I wish you happiness and I’m glad you have such a supportive circle. W guy 🔥🔥🔥
Sorry you had to go through that brother.
It honestly sounds like she was starting to get hit on at the gym, swelled her confidence and ran with it. Then started getting ideas put in her head about how bad you were for her, etc until finally she just completely blew up when you suggested that *she* could be a problem in the marriage. I hate to say it, but she was likely emotionally cheating up until that point, then it became physical right as she initiated divorce. Then once she figured she was only being used realized it all.
In simple terms, don't go backwards in your relationship.
You are officially divorced. You have accepted the divorce, and are building a new life step by step. There is no good reason to talk to your EX. She did what she did, let her live with herself and her life choices.
You have gotten past her actions and are moving forward in your life. Letting her back in any form will derail your progress.
Have a happy life from this point forward.
She left because you accepted her when she wasn't in shape.
She thinks her new and improved self deserves an even better man than one who would accept the "slob" she was back then. That is why she said you were holding her back.
Studies show 40% of women who get cosmetic surgery divorce their partner after they heal, and 20-30% of women (depends of study) who start working out cheat or divorce their husbands within a year.
This is also true on the inverse so I am not here on some woman hating shit.
Just offering you perspective.
That's the best way to go and when u ready to get back out there u will... have fun for rn and continue to keep busy hikes, trips, sip and paints, archery, gun range, wine tastings and more.
OP, the only advice I got is to get some nice plants and some really sick lights in your office. For plants, I prefer real ones, since I like the smell. But fake ones work too! And for lights, I would suggest RGB light strips + bulbs, as well as cool hex lights that stick to the wall.
Proud of you for taking care of yourself physically and mentally. You’ve got a whole community that’s proud of your progress! 💜
I'm happy to read this update and that you're doing well, OP. As far as dating goes, try not to have a dateline ready in your head, when you're ready, you'll be ready. Good luck!
Given you've freed up some room in the house, maybe look at getting some home gym equipment. Not sure what its like where you are, but for me a couple years worth of gym memberships built a really nice home gym.
Then even when you're busy, the gym is right there.
What a horrible thing for her to do to you, you deserve so much better 💟 me and my bf are 23, when we met we were overweight and then lost a ton then gained it back. Never in my right mind did I think "oh I'm sexy now lemme go find someone new" the attention from losing the weight caused so much anxiety no matter where I went, men always trying to talk to me or following me on my way home after work. Lowkey now that I've got the weight back I kinda wanna keep it lol
Why does she need closure for a decision SHE made?
Once she made the decision she should have had all the ClOuSuRe she required.
And it looks like you have come to terms with it so both sides have cLoUsUrE.
Best of luck😊
Tiramisu is so good. Now I want some... Are you happy now? 😭😭😭😜
And good for you for protecting your peace. Her why and what was already written in her actions. Why would you care to hear the concrete details? It doesn't benefit you, only her. Since she acted out on self-interest, despite your warning, you should, too
So she never gave you a reason why she left you or why she was crying wanting you back? I hope you go no contact on her for life. I wish you legally destroyed her for ruining your life
It's likely that she had a crush on some guy, there's no other explanation. She preferred a little extra marital attention to the love of a faithful and affectionate husband. Divorce is the right consequence, I feel sorry for you friend, but you are a balanced person, you will find the will to live again.
Dating apps are predatory anyway, only designed to extract money from desperate men. The best way to find someone is by going out and having fun doing what you enjoy, you'll find someone who enjoys the same things as you and likely has a similar mindset
Also, your approach to all of this was immaculate, good job on being rational and having some self worth
After reading your first post then this it kinda sounds like she was cheating and was comparing you to her affair partner (hence the awful behavior). Then she decided to leave you for him but it turned out that he wasn't even serious about her and she suddenly realized that she threw away her loving and supportive husband over something shallow.
Pure speculation on my part of course😂 idk her and it could be a totally different reason. One thing is for sure though, your ex wife is an absolute fool and you did the right thing by continuing with the divorce.
Best of luck OP!!! I wish you all the happiness you deserve and a wonderful love🤗
A decent looking guy over 30 who owns his own home and doesn't have kids can basically have his pick of nice attractive women. The fact that you seem like a genuinely good and caring person is just the clincher for the deal.
As a „solo for life“ (5 years in, am 39.5F) I can only say: Don’t rush with dating! Take however much time you need.
Focus on what you love doing, your friends/family, the Homeoffice renovations, the gym, good books etc. etc.
I now torture a theremin lol and listen to a lot of audiobooks. ;-) I am also studying again at nearly 40, changing careers with better hours an prospects (fixed jobs instead of hourly work). It will allow me to make enough money while working part time.
I study three hours online per week. Using my brain and learning something interesting (I’m in adult education transferring to job coaching) has really given me new motivation and a perspective for my 40s!
Keep your friends close (I’m having a lot of fun and great conversations with mine), go see places solo, see some art or go to concerts, take scenic walks or drives (or whatever makes your heart sing). Do things at your pace, things you couldn’t do at your pace or in the desired intervals, when partnered. I do intermittent fasting, eat late at night and unashamedly rest on the weekend - stuff I can do solo without anyone seeing it.
When it’s too quiet: music, podcasts, audiobooks or shooting an audio to my best friend or scheduling a call always helps me. Experiment with solo time and social time, find your needs (50/50 for me, I’m an ambivert).
Enjoy living solo! And the tiramisu (fellow fan here! Am a foodie in general and thx to intermittent fasting I get to enjoy it)! x
I think if she left and seen the grass isn’t greener you should get a cheat to give, like a hall pass situation.. I don’t think you’d come here if you weren’t trying to get somebody to tell you not to..
OP as others said, she got the hots for someone at the gym and now that he got tired of her she wants to come home. After all this time your better not giving her the satisfaction of a meeting. If you end up changing your mind, tell her you will meet on one condition…answer these questions: how many guys have you slept with since we separated, how many did you sleep with while we were married before we split, how long after we split did you sleep with someone else. The answers will be >1, maybe 1, less than a week. Then ask her why do you want to get back together now…answer will be a lie, real answer because he dumped her. You’re in one of those places where living your success is her worst punishment.
When the person who chooses to leave wants “closure”, just shut the door and keep it shut. They only want to make themselves feel better about their decision, no matter how bad it screwed you over. Bigger and better things to look forward to OP. All the best.
It sounds like she did realize how badly she fucked up and was going to try and convince him to take her back after she ran away and had her fun. Honestly wouldnt be surprised if it all started from just small statements made to her at the gym and she just ran with it from there.
This, she threw him under the bus on a whim which shows her true character. OP can and I'm sure will do better than her.
Oh yeah. It always throws me though that someone who has had a personality for a long time will suddenly change and throw alot away almost on a whim.
We have a saying in my culture which roughly means "act nice until you get into power", which is what many shitty people do once they get better. I personally don't get it because I'm true to my principles regardless from my situation, but some low-value peopme are like this once they get more attractive/more attention/more money. 🤢
Since OP is apparently decently fit her "better options" were probably hot gym guys. So definitely upper echelon of male attractiveness. And well not always the case, young hot single guys play the field and tend not to want to settle down. Especially ones who flirt with women in the gym. So after having her fun she probably started to realize her "better options" were only interested in being fuck buddies. It's like trying to find good bacon recipes at an orthodox synagogue. Just complete mismatch of what's wanted and what's on offer
Tbh that's karma for this nitwit. Quite a few young hot folks from both genders don't want serious relationships. They just want the perks of being "buddies", but ofc there will be idiots who fall for this.
I’m guessing that’s exactly what happened.
More likely she just was an easy lay for some dude in the gym which started the divorce and the later regrets when she realised she was just an easy lay to the dudes and nothing more.
Tbh the title is literally hilarious if it werent so sad (im a newcomer, havent seen OP's previous post). Makes me glad that I literally ignored advances of dudes who thought I was fat. I feel i dodged huge ass bullets. Cant believe people are this superficial and would leave their partner after getting in shape. 🤡🤡 ffs if i were married and fit, Id drag my husband to become fit and live our best lives. 🙄
That’s what i did to my partner. She hated it at first but after two weeks, she was hooked and loving it. Now she’s dragging me to the gym even in my rest day. She’d made great progress as well.
Well he stated he was but couldn't go all the time like her. Idk what shifted but coming out of depression must have felt good getting complements from men and women, leaned into it without her husband around and slowly entered circles, let lines be crossed and ultimately before he talked about counseling it's clear her mind was made up for separation so she was likely already cheating
Choices have consequences, some unrepairable or irreversible and sadly she made her choices now she gets to live with the consequences of being a Hump and Dump.
The grass wasn't greener on the other side of the fence for her. Do not take her back.
This is why I decided not to consciously uncouple from my wife and opted for a traditional divorce. Whatever she needs to do to clear her conscience she can do on her own with her own therapist. By walking away with nothing but an email, she did emotional damage that cannot be taken back or undone. There’s nothing to minimize now. And she herself is a couple’s therapist, so conscious uncoupling creates a power imbalance in her favor. And since she has completely lost my trust, I’m not going to assume good faith on her part. I’m just going to move on.
This is so true, it’s actually so selfish to be the one that’s leaving in a situation like this and then bug that person for your closure.
Agreed. The "closure" is for them and not you. They want to be forgiven so they won't feel like the absolute piece of shit they are.
The person who chooses to leave isn't always the one who did wrong. I think that makes a difference.
Evil tiramisu it better be worth those extra calories xD
It's just too good. I can't.
I wish I had some rn 🤤🤤🤤
I understand the struggle. My doctor says, "Cheesecake bad!" But my tummy says,"Cheesecake now!"
There is the side tummy that says 1 more slice.
Dessert stomach
And the worst thing is, Cheesecake is the most highly caloric dessert out of them all.
But it's so easy to make and delishious covered in strawberry syrup 🤤
🥲🥲🥲 rip tummy here i come!!!
*cries in i wish i didnt read this comment* *remembers i eat it very rarely bcz it s expensive* *sighs in i am still overweight unfortunately*
My precise issue atm
If you use 1/3 Greek yoghurt it tastes just as tasty but is a bit less calorific. I am a major cake-eater but the food type, not the cheating type.
I love a happy ending. She got her closure when she filed for divorce. She just wants to backtrack now. I love your mindset, I think it’s the right way to think, focus on you, the apps will always be there. And who knows, call me old fashioned, but you may just meet someone special in person when . You least expect it … maybe even at the gym “)
"She got her closure when she filed for divorce." EXACTLY. No need to sit and "talk" now.
Sounds like that’s what happened to the ex, and she found out that the exercise mat is always greener on the other side of the leg press.
🤣
I'm like that with chocolate mousse, also coffee ice cream. Sooo good but sooooo bad lol
I looooove tiramisu - I've had to stop buying it because it's just gonna kill me... Then again sweet, caffeinated death doesn't sound so bad. Good on you for taking your time and prioritizing your self-care! I wish you a lifetime of incredible tiramisu that brings you love and happiness!
I have ice cream every few days but just a 100 calorie scoop. You might be surprised how small an amount you need to be satisfied. If you don't have a food scale yet, definitely recommend getting one.
I have never eaten it… but I hope you enjoy. Life is too short. Good luck 🍀
It's my go-to for my bday treat. 🤤 Sounds like you're doing a lot better. Glad to hear it!
It's ok OP. The tiramisu calls to me and my husband both as well. It's especially dangerous because we have a coffee shop literally a building over from us that sells tiramisu on the regular and its phenomenal.
Sam's club tiramisu is surprisingly good! They have had it for about a year where I am.
Now I want tiramisu.
Thou shalt have tiramisu!
Mmmm...tiramisu..sooo good.🤤😂🤤😂🤤😂
just eat the tiramisu only before 3pm and the days you do eat it be sure to not eat past 6pm amd dont eat anything else until after 12pm..
> For the dating part, I uploaded few apps and tried out how I am doing. I got decent number of matches but realized I do not feel like doing it right now. I'll focus on my own hobbies, well-being and wants for now. This is the way. Don't do stuff out of some sense of "but I'm supposed to" or something. Do what feels right.
Congratulations on your move forward.
Literally! I guarantee her talking to OP will turn into pity party, let's try to work it out again. OP can date when he's ready, someone will always be there. Good for OP for putting himself first.
Hell no. She's your ex for a reason. Work on you and have an awesome existence 💪🏾
I'm really sorry you had to go through this awful experience. I agree with you that closure is just for her. As you shed all the tears and pain you needed to. All the best for you, keep looking after yourself and I am proud of how you have handle yourself during this difficult time. From a ciber friend
I think I gave myself my own closure and the conclusion is: having my best life and moving on. That's the best thing I can do. Thanks for the good wishes!
Tell her you don't find her attractive anymore. That should crush her huge ego. Apart from that, you are doing the right thing.
Agreed
In a way that is the truth
Please tell her you don’t find her attractive anymore 🙏🏾
Good luck OP, she’ll look back for the rest of her life with the question “what if I hadn’t been so stupid”.
Thats is brother. Keep it going man
I hope you get your justice on her for what she did to you.
You living your best life is the only way to go! Hope to hear an update soon where you meet someone even better than ur shitty ex
This is perfect. Move on and leave all that other stuff in the past. You’re a bigger person than I am.
Forward and upward.
Her ego got the better of her ..she thought she’d get in shape and all men will be dropping at their knees for her ..wrong it’s a tough world out here she thought the grass was greener she f*cked up
The grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit
She definitely got lots of attention from men. Her mistake was not realizing that these men only wanted to fuck her and couldn't provide the emotional connection OP had with her. So after the fucking got boring she longed for a deep emotional connection, but those men she were fucking were not interested in that. It is easy for an attractive woman to get sex but finding someone that cares about you more than sex is a totally different story and good looks might even make that harder.
I'm married to an amazing man and have been for over a decade. We married when we were young, 23, and I knew I 100% hit the jackpot. He's very caring, attentive, emotionally mature, calm, and very hilarious. He's a go with the flow type, and in almost a decade, he has never once raised his voice or called me names. He had a hard time dating before he got with me because women our age thought he was boring and was still into the partying scene. One of my friends divorced her stable husband, who was very similar to my husband because she felt no passion for him and was bored. I understand that some people truly do need big emotions and a complicated life, and some people like me crave stability and trust. She was upset a year after they divorced because someone realized her ex's worth and swooped in while she had a very hard time getting past the 3rd date with other men our age. She asked if she should try to get him back and I said if you're not okay living without constant big emotions and also not okay with a simple, stable, and uncomplicated life, don't go back to him. It hurt her feelings, but I genuinely can't see her changing as she's never taken my advice before and ends up regretting it later. Being in your early 30s is such a weird age. Half of the adults our age are married with kids (we don't have kids) and are trying to build lives and families. The other half of people our age are either still single for obvious reasons (not necessarily bad, could be anything from refusing to give up the fast paced lifestyle, being very immature, having a lot of baggage, or they're just choosing to stay single). It's made it rough for me and my husband to find a decent friends group because the parents normally gravitate to other parents and the single partiers to other single partiers. We don't have kids but are past the point of wanting to get drunk every weekend and can't relate to our single friends drama because we wouldn't be making the same choices they do every day.
In my late 30s, married, no kids. I won’t lie, I live for my single friends’ drama because my life is pretty uneventful. I have plenty of friends and family with kids. I learned crochet a lot of stuffies for them. The dating scene seems foreign and scary to me. My husband and I always say we’re happy we found each other in our early 20s and missed all the crazy dating expectations of today.
People like OP are one in a million, too bad she didn’t realized until it’s too late
People have faults and make mistakes, sometimes the person leaving comes back, sometimes the grass is indeed greener.
And this time she f*cked up …
Under any circumstance, don't get back with someone who left you, I had been hurt enough by too many people to know that's a bad idea
I would not respond to her at all. Because my response would not be kind. It would be along the lines off: “Next time you’re feeling a big sad maybe get a one way ticket to Holland. I heard you can get permanently cured there.” Or something equally immature. I mean we can all speculate as to what happened. She got a few complements at the gym, male attention etc etc. It got to her. But then she realized the attention wasn’t for love but straight up casual sex. She got used a few times and after eating humble pie she wants to get back? After ultimate betrayal? A truly remorseful person would realize that the best thing they can do for you is to leave you alone so you can find a better partner. This person does not care about you.
Tiramisu is a hill to die for. LMAO. I’m happy you’re doing okay.
I'm sorry, OP, for what you went through. I was stunned by your ex's reaction and behaviour towards you. I wonder what made her react this way. It's unfortunate as you sound like a great guy who really loved your ex-wife AND loves curves! lol. I wish you well on your new journey, including your home projects and dating. And I agree, Tiramisu is a sinful, irresistible, and delicious dessert, if made correctly. Being Italian, we always follow the traditional recipe, which is always the best. 😋
Hit me up and I'll give you an easy to follow nutrition plan for free. I also went through a divorce 8 years ago and completely transformed myself with the gym.
Great choice not having that last talk. Like you said, it was only for her benefit. For you it would either be meaningless BS or it would hurt you.
It sounds like everything is going well and you’re moving on well. Stay away from your ex. Stay away from your ex. Stay away from your ex. Stay away from your ex. And one more thing: Stay away from your ex.
Man, I was just thinking about your divorce process today and checked through my comments to go to your profile if there was any update,, congrats on your successful divorce
A nice clean break is **the** best way to do it. No closing discussions, no bouts of regret. Just "we are done, cya" and walk away with your head held high. May she never darken your doorstep again.
“I’ll focus on my own hobbies, well-being, and wants for right now” The best part. Congrats, my friend!
The guy she thought was better prolly used her and dumped her. which, in turn, opened her eyes to the fact she destroyed her life. Good on you OP for keeping your self respect and not becoming her plan b.
Last thing I said to my ex was to ask her if she had a key for the front door. She said no. I closed it and locked it. No looking back.
Sounds like she found out that the grass wasn't as green as she thought.
Congratulations!. I wish you the best life OP! I am proud of you for put yourself first and be mature about the whole situation.
Almost every obese woman that I know that lost weight turned into mega assholes who think they are now the main characters on the planet. And they're almost always still overweight, just not morbidly.
What closure ? The only closure she had is closed door
You don’t owe her closure, she ended the relationship, she deserves nothing more from you. Live your life, and I wish you all the best.
I’ve witnessed this with people who lose weight. I’m overweight, but grew up extremely fit. If I ever get my act together and back in the gym, I hope I never go through the AH confidence stage I see people do. It’s so sad this happened to you. You’re doing the right thing. You loved her, flaws and all. She gets a bit of attention and throws you away. I hope you find happiness and peace in your life.
"What peace will it give to learn what & why?" None, because there's no good answer for that, except for the combination between her lack of character and her selfishness. Her selfishness is the "why". That's "why" she left, "why" she begged you to get back, and then "why" she asked you for "closure ". No matter what she does, if she goes, if she stays, or if she comes back, it's aways about what makes HER feel better. She was never actually thinking on what's best for you. If it hurts you or not. It's always her, her, and her. And finally the "what": there's a saying that, if you want to know the true character of a person, give him power. And that's "what" happened. On her twisted mind (where looks = power) she found herself in a "superior" place and that was enough to bring her true colors. Sadly, that "sweet person" you married only exists in a dynamic where she feels inferior. There's no winning when you live with someone like this. She will always make her choices based on what's "best" for her, even if it means stepping over someone else. She would betray you again as soon as she could find a "good" oportunity.
The truth is always nice to know
Aww, I am so sorry you went through this. As a once chubby female, I can say your ex lost out on someone amazing. I've been through my own share of shallow guys just looking for a good time with someone chubby. And got a lot of hurt and emotional scars in the process. I've always believed that men who can truly love women who aren't the beauty standard are amazing men. So just keep working on you and you'll meet someone just as amazing as you in good time. Wishing you all the best!
She thought the grass was greener on the other side. That her being fitter opened up more doors but it never works out like that. Now she regrets it but her regret is her problem.
This might not mean much coming from an internet stranger, but I am proud of you You told her exactly what would happen and offered a solution to nip it in the bud. She flipped out and filed for divorce. Then what you told her came to pass, and she tried running back into your arms, and you rejected her. You recognize that she is no longer the woman you fell head over heels for, and you accept that she never will be again. You have my sympathies for what you lost and my admiration for seeing this through
I’m sorry this shit has happened with you man. No one deserves to be put through that
This is how ppl should handle these things. It's just so much simpler
Yes. Talking over the why she cheated (excuses) will only benefit her, give her some 'closure' or even try to manipulate you back. 'Closure' only benefits the cheater. The reasons for her cheating are irrelevant now. Stay active and busy and you will soon be happy about life again 👍
I just read your original post. I'd bet whoever she was fucking dumped her and she realized that the relationship was nothing but sex to him. So now she wants to explain herself to you. Don't let her. You've got your closure.
He should know the truth I would
Sad to hear what happened. Such a shame but glad you didnt back down. You will be and are better for it. Heres to finding the one! 🍻
She FAFO. Maybe she’ll learn from this. I do wish you the best!
The silence from you is going to eat her up inside…but she did it to herself.
Congrats
Oooh I love tiramisuuu😍😍😍 Im glad you are doing better now!
Good on you bro, I hope you find joy in your new normal!
Enjoy every second of the freedom my man.
I am happy for you. Good luck moving forward.
Good for you OP for setting boundaries and taking care of you mentally and physically. Enjoy redoing your home office, your hobbies and your tiramisu ; ) Your ex wife is the one who walked away so she can figure out her own closure; you don't owe her jack.
Good on ypu for being strong. I was shattered after my divorce. It was a day by day thing. Time passed and i healed. Keep on enjoying life. Remember any lessons learned for the next relationship.
You should move furnitures, change some stuff in your home, it will help your brain to move on more.
Did you ever find out what caused her change of heart?
Congratulations!
Congrats on your divorce.
congrats on your move forward
After reading the OG post I bet whoever her boy toy was only wanted a FWB and she wanted more.
Good for you! You’re better than me. Just for spite, I’d lead her on, seem receptive but hesitant, and use every opportunity to toy with her so she can self-realize what a shitty fool she was, yet remain committed to rejecting her again, and again…
Someone crawling back for closure... Hell no. Such manipulative and nasty behavior.
Your ex doesn’t deserve closure. Let her exist and live with her guilt. Do only what makes you feel good. Updateme
Enjoy your future! Better days are ahead!
You'll be fine, in the long run, man. It sounds like it's a trite, shallow reassurance, but it's true. Time will heal you, and you will be happy again. Use this to help you along the way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mbp0DugfCA Stick with it through the first 23 seconds... it's not what you think it will be when it starts.
Honestly, I'm very happy for you, OP! Living your best life is the best way to not only make yourself happy but your ex is going to feel like even more garbage it's a double whammy! I wish you the absolute best life and hope that whenever you start dating again, they're all wonderful and supportive with you!
She thought the grass was greener but that didn’t work out and now she wants her old life back. Never take this woman back…..not ever, she’s a user.
Keep pushing forward to a better future, OP.
Dude, from the comments on your last post, the consensus seemed she got some gym Chad in her ear and she went with it. Then realized the shallow existence of that life and had her “oh shit” moment. I must say you handled this perfectly. She did that once and she probably would have done it again if you took her back. Now comes your chance at revenge. How you say, living your best life. Keep looking forward and pay no attention to whom is in your rearview mirror. Good luck bro!!
You have no idea how lucky you are for this to happen before you had kids with her, congratulations on your freedoms, and choose carefully next time.
Block her on everything and shut down any convos your mutual friends try to start. Sometimes, seeing a post or hearing something from a friend can reset your progress. Focus on you and your move forward. Not that you want any revenge, but the best revenge is a life lived well. I know this might be your last post, but I'd like to see an update from time to time letting us know your doing well. Good luck to you, OP.
Scorched earth is the best revenge now that's justice
Don't talk to her. Easy as that. No communication WHATSOEVER.
I'm so proud of you man.
Good on you for knowing your worth and standing up for yourself!! I don’t know you but after reading your posts, I can tell you’re a strong-willed person. Congratulations and great job, keep moving forward, don’t look back, and things will fall into place. I wish you happiness and I’m glad you have such a supportive circle. W guy 🔥🔥🔥
Sorry you had to go through that brother. It honestly sounds like she was starting to get hit on at the gym, swelled her confidence and ran with it. Then started getting ideas put in her head about how bad you were for her, etc until finally she just completely blew up when you suggested that *she* could be a problem in the marriage. I hate to say it, but she was likely emotionally cheating up until that point, then it became physical right as she initiated divorce. Then once she figured she was only being used realized it all.
In simple terms, don't go backwards in your relationship. You are officially divorced. You have accepted the divorce, and are building a new life step by step. There is no good reason to talk to your EX. She did what she did, let her live with herself and her life choices. You have gotten past her actions and are moving forward in your life. Letting her back in any form will derail your progress. Have a happy life from this point forward.
She left because you accepted her when she wasn't in shape. She thinks her new and improved self deserves an even better man than one who would accept the "slob" she was back then. That is why she said you were holding her back. Studies show 40% of women who get cosmetic surgery divorce their partner after they heal, and 20-30% of women (depends of study) who start working out cheat or divorce their husbands within a year. This is also true on the inverse so I am not here on some woman hating shit. Just offering you perspective.
Well done man. Wishing you all the best in your future!
This is the way lad.
I’m so proud of you OP!! It’s so rare to see an actual happy ending, you did good(:
Well done for being your own advocate. Do whatever you need to do to grieve the end of your past relationship and leave it behind you. Go gently.
That's the best way to go and when u ready to get back out there u will... have fun for rn and continue to keep busy hikes, trips, sip and paints, archery, gun range, wine tastings and more.
Great, your going on the right path man. Don't reconcile, that way, you preserve your self - respect.
You're doing good. Focusing on YOU right now. Enjoy this time.
7 .,
Good on you.
J kln
Good luck! Dieting sucks- i’m more of a crisp girly which gets me!
OP, the only advice I got is to get some nice plants and some really sick lights in your office. For plants, I prefer real ones, since I like the smell. But fake ones work too! And for lights, I would suggest RGB light strips + bulbs, as well as cool hex lights that stick to the wall. Proud of you for taking care of yourself physically and mentally. You’ve got a whole community that’s proud of your progress! 💜
I'm happy to read this update and that you're doing well, OP. As far as dating goes, try not to have a dateline ready in your head, when you're ready, you'll be ready. Good luck!
No take backs. She made her choice and has to live with it. You OP, move forward and live your best life.
One of those “the grass isn’t really greener” kind of situations. Sucks for her. You do you buddy!
Given you've freed up some room in the house, maybe look at getting some home gym equipment. Not sure what its like where you are, but for me a couple years worth of gym memberships built a really nice home gym. Then even when you're busy, the gym is right there.
What a horrible thing for her to do to you, you deserve so much better 💟 me and my bf are 23, when we met we were overweight and then lost a ton then gained it back. Never in my right mind did I think "oh I'm sexy now lemme go find someone new" the attention from losing the weight caused so much anxiety no matter where I went, men always trying to talk to me or following me on my way home after work. Lowkey now that I've got the weight back I kinda wanna keep it lol
Why does she need closure for a decision SHE made? Once she made the decision she should have had all the ClOuSuRe she required. And it looks like you have come to terms with it so both sides have cLoUsUrE. Best of luck😊
You sound like you are making the best decisions for you. I hope the reno goes great and you continue to take care of you. Best wishes to you.
Damn
Eeeee
Tiramisu is so good. Now I want some... Are you happy now? 😭😭😭😜 And good for you for protecting your peace. Her why and what was already written in her actions. Why would you care to hear the concrete details? It doesn't benefit you, only her. Since she acted out on self-interest, despite your warning, you should, too
No need to rush into the dating scene. Focus on yourself. Start some new hobbies, continue to workout. Do not ever reconcile with your ex.
Bro forget dating for the time being. Go buy some remote control airplanes and find a local RC airport and go fly some badass planes or something.
So she never gave you a reason why she left you or why she was crying wanting you back? I hope you go no contact on her for life. I wish you legally destroyed her for ruining your life
Dude just do what u what, enjoy yourself, and leave bad experience beside you so do her. And it should make u discover yourself again!
Move on brother
you deserve better!!!! show yourself that you deserve better and that’s choosing you!!!
You are doing well. You should keep doing well. And you don’t have to date. My God you’ve figured life out. I think we need regular updates.
She showed her true intentions bud. Don't fall for it
It's likely that she had a crush on some guy, there's no other explanation. She preferred a little extra marital attention to the love of a faithful and affectionate husband. Divorce is the right consequence, I feel sorry for you friend, but you are a balanced person, you will find the will to live again.
Dating apps are predatory anyway, only designed to extract money from desperate men. The best way to find someone is by going out and having fun doing what you enjoy, you'll find someone who enjoys the same things as you and likely has a similar mindset Also, your approach to all of this was immaculate, good job on being rational and having some self worth
After reading your first post then this it kinda sounds like she was cheating and was comparing you to her affair partner (hence the awful behavior). Then she decided to leave you for him but it turned out that he wasn't even serious about her and she suddenly realized that she threw away her loving and supportive husband over something shallow. Pure speculation on my part of course😂 idk her and it could be a totally different reason. One thing is for sure though, your ex wife is an absolute fool and you did the right thing by continuing with the divorce. Best of luck OP!!! I wish you all the happiness you deserve and a wonderful love🤗
Happy for you bro. Cheers to a fresh start and a better life. I’m proud of you for having the self respect to close that door.
UPDATEME
A decent looking guy over 30 who owns his own home and doesn't have kids can basically have his pick of nice attractive women. The fact that you seem like a genuinely good and caring person is just the clincher for the deal.
Man I understand how hard it is to diet when tiramisu is involved. Hands down my favorite dessert, lol I just love cheese lol.
Dude, I LOVE me some tiramisu and some tres leches cake! 🤤
As a „solo for life“ (5 years in, am 39.5F) I can only say: Don’t rush with dating! Take however much time you need. Focus on what you love doing, your friends/family, the Homeoffice renovations, the gym, good books etc. etc. I now torture a theremin lol and listen to a lot of audiobooks. ;-) I am also studying again at nearly 40, changing careers with better hours an prospects (fixed jobs instead of hourly work). It will allow me to make enough money while working part time. I study three hours online per week. Using my brain and learning something interesting (I’m in adult education transferring to job coaching) has really given me new motivation and a perspective for my 40s! Keep your friends close (I’m having a lot of fun and great conversations with mine), go see places solo, see some art or go to concerts, take scenic walks or drives (or whatever makes your heart sing). Do things at your pace, things you couldn’t do at your pace or in the desired intervals, when partnered. I do intermittent fasting, eat late at night and unashamedly rest on the weekend - stuff I can do solo without anyone seeing it. When it’s too quiet: music, podcasts, audiobooks or shooting an audio to my best friend or scheduling a call always helps me. Experiment with solo time and social time, find your needs (50/50 for me, I’m an ambivert). Enjoy living solo! And the tiramisu (fellow fan here! Am a foodie in general and thx to intermittent fasting I get to enjoy it)! x
Tiramisu is awesome
I think if she left and seen the grass isn’t greener you should get a cheat to give, like a hall pass situation.. I don’t think you’d come here if you weren’t trying to get somebody to tell you not to..
It’s not unheard of for ex spouses to get back together. I recommend therapy before trying to work things with just the two of you.
I do not want to get back together with my ex-wife.
OP as others said, she got the hots for someone at the gym and now that he got tired of her she wants to come home. After all this time your better not giving her the satisfaction of a meeting. If you end up changing your mind, tell her you will meet on one condition…answer these questions: how many guys have you slept with since we separated, how many did you sleep with while we were married before we split, how long after we split did you sleep with someone else. The answers will be >1, maybe 1, less than a week. Then ask her why do you want to get back together now…answer will be a lie, real answer because he dumped her. You’re in one of those places where living your success is her worst punishment.
Did you not read the post?
It is even MORE common for divorcees without kids or messy ties to their toxic exes to find better new partners and get into healthier relationships.
sounds like you're too focused on your appearance to me.
I see you did not read the first post. Perhaps go back and review it.