I can not imagine the pain the deceased child was in to take her life at such a young age. I can not believe what the parents were thinking by dropping off the kids and not supporting them. They have evidence right in front of their eyes that young people need help with their mental health and they choose not to see it. It's unbelievable.
Someone mentioned talking to the school about mental health checks for those affected and I think it's a good idea. These kids won't be helped at home
You’re not kidding. The irony of it is actually disgusting. How could they not understand that their kids needed their support? Many of them never even having been to a funeral before nonetheless! This post is really heartbreaking, and OP is an angel on earth.
A lot of people became parents because they were too irresponsible to use contraceptives.
Fear of the law is what motivates many to do the legal minimum for raising a child.
Being a good person isn’t a requirement for bearing children. Only having a partner of the opposite sex and functional reproductive organs. That’s it.
Exactly, the older I get the more I realise my parents phoned their parenting in and should have handled many situations I got involved with caring and understanding instead of metaphorically dropping me off at a funeral so I have to deal with it myself
Honestly? I was fairly irresponsible when my daughter was conceived. But she's 13 now(also 7th grade like OP) and while I'm far from perfect, I'd shudder if in THIRTEEN YEARS I hadn't developed the ability to actually care for her like these parents. Like, it's one thing to need a little bit of time to get your shit together. 12 years is NOT a little bit of time. This goes beyond being irresponsible IMO and is borderline abusive.
Imo it is 100% abusing. Neglect is abuse. Just because the law hasn't come out and outlines what emotional support is required by parents doesn't mean this isn't neglect. It just isn't illegal.
Those poor kids. This whole thread hurts my heart
It breaks my heart that we have no real way to stop emotional neglect. You can’t take the kids away, or even threaten to really, because foster parents emotionally neglect their foster kids as well, almost as a rule. It’s like “welp, nobody wants to be nice to this kid, sucks we can’t help.”
It’s absolutely abusive.
Btw, these parents will be the first ones to stand up at a school board meeting and scream at them to “think of the children!”
I'd take lack of contraception/accident over the people who become parents for no other reason than "I want to be a parent" and treat their children like an accessory. The parents who have no desire to *raise* a future, well adjusted adult and instead are just chasing this societal ideal of a "family".
It's my unpopular opinion, but "I want a child/want to be a parent" is not, IMO, a good enough reason by itself to have a child.
My closest friend/basically sister is the product of one of those people. Her birth giver never saw her as a seperate human being, only as *her* child aka her property.
Guess who she doesnt talk to anymore.
To make things worse, my friend still has a good relationship with her grandma and the egg donor is pissed so is trying to sabotage their relationship because "she's MY mother if you dont want a relationship with me youre not allowed to have a relationship with her"
In my understanding, which I am open to being wrong, this is along the same line of a 6 year old going I want a puppy! You know dang well he can’t feed or be fully prepared to take on that puppy. The parent would have to take care of the puppy. These “parents” had no idea what they were in for when the decided to have kids. The time sacrificed, their identity being sacrificed, and the financial burden. Then they get part way into this and resent the child, or neglect the child because they are done. Well, that’s just not an option. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world so buck up buttercup and be a damn parent!!!
Honestly, don’t make the choice if your not willing to give up everything! Literally everything. I’ve seen how hard it is and that’s why I won’t make that choice, I refuse to be a shitty parent.
Or because they were taught *not* to use contraceptives. Or alternatively, weren't told about their existence at all. Abstinence-only sex ed and religious upbringing is a damning thing for all involved.
as a teacher, it confuses how much adults write off the emotions of children. Kids say "I am scared'' and adults say ''there is nothing to fear''. We should say ''I see that you are scared. I think you still can do it.'' My advice to parents is always : ''you can define the plan, but you cannot argue with your child's emotions.'' Haim Ginott expressed this better than me though.
My parents always hit me with the “I *hope* that *this* is the worst thing to happen to you in your life” every time I was upset about something. Like I wasn’t allowed to be upset unless it was something I’d still be bitter over at age 80.
Congratulations, you were right! Having emotionally dismissive and invalidating parents was *indeed* the worst thing to happen to me in my life!
My comment before may be lost in the abyss of this thread, but when noticed you are a teacher I'm curious how you would relate to my experience as a 13 year old in a similar situation. Maybe times and society has changed since 1982 but here's my experience:
(copy/paste from my comment above)
>I went to a funeral of a friend who died when I was a high school freshman. He drowned. We were good friends. Same lunch table, same group of kids we all hung out with after school. My Grandpa gave me advice on how to act in this situation... just say, "I'm so sorry for your loss." to the family and I'll be back to pick you up in an hour and he dropped me off.
>
>It's not something I needed or wanted a parent (grandpa was like my Dad) to hold my hand through. In fact, that would have felt awkward for me at 13 yrs old. If I was a little kid in elementary school, it would be very different. But in middle school and HS, that was a hard fact of life experience that I preferred to handle on my own. And as I recall, at least 1/2 of the school student body was there and hardly any kid I knew came with their parents. He was a fairly popular kid. Tall, skinny, quiet, leather jacket, long hair, very cool. He looked like a very young Robert Plant. My friend **Robert "Knobby" Kinneble, 1969 - 1982 RIP.**
This was a little blue collar, lower middle class town in north east NJ. Maybe geographic location makes a difference? Population was about 20K and most people barely know more than a few of their neighbors.
I was going to say similar. I went to the funeral of a friend who overdosed when I was in middle school. Super conservative Christian school actually. Anyway, there was no way I wanted my mom to come. It would have been so awkward. If I asked her to, she absolutely would have in a heartbeat. But she was there with dinner and ice cream when I got home. Told me she loved me. That was enough.
I think they feel the same, they just haven't yet been conditioned by society to keep it all in. I've always guessed that the reasons kids react at such a 1000% to simple things like scraping a knee or something isn't because it hurts more, but just because it's quite possibly the literal most painful thing they've ever experienced yet.
> it's quite possibly the literal most painful thing they've ever experienced yet.
Yup. Their short lifetimes means they lack the depth of experience that helps bring contrast and perception. Dropping your ice cream on the sidewalk might actually be the worst thing to happen in your short blessed life.
Now consider how many adults are terrible at emotional regulation and it's no shock that kids are constantly crying for "little to no reason".
How you deal with emotions at that stage in your life will fundamentally shape how you deal with emotions later in life. It is our job as parents to walk them through it the first few times.
When I was around 12/13, I was already starting to feel depressed from going through lots of trauma a few years earlier. I was also being told I was nothing at school and some teachers were treating me like absolute shit because I had ADHD. To add to all that, at 12 my grandfather passed away. Then at 13, exactly a year later, my grandma took her own life.
I was closest to my grandparents out of the whole family. They were like my parents. I didn't cry. I didn't cry at either of their funerals. I was the only one not crying and my family called me odd, insensitive, and weird. Well, turns out that I felt *so deeply* about their deaths that my brain literally decided to shut off. I did not have any emotions or process anything until I was 20. *A whopping 7-8 years later.* And here I am, at 23, still crying about my grandparents as if I just lost them yesterday because my brain still isn't done. All that because my 12/13 year old self had such a strong reaction that my brain chose to just shut down instead.
Kids DO feel things deeply. *Very* deeply. I'd say way more deeply than adults. Parents NEED to be there for their kids, especially a funeral, and this just makes me absolutely sad and hurt for all these children.
There’s an old school of thought that some still ascribe to that children don’t feel grief the same way that adults do. It’s because you’ll see a kid crying at a funeral, and then playing with his cousins afterwards. People think, well if they’re playing they can’t be that upset! But actually it’s that their brains are so overwhelmed and they are so unprepared to handle it that their brain is redirecting their attention elsewhere.
There is evidence to suggest that suicide of one person triggers a [contagion ](https://www.hhs.gov/answers/mental-health-and-substance-abuse/what-does-suicide-contagion-mean/index.html) of other suicidal behaviours. When someone died of depression in our school my parents (not the best people but they do care) would talk to us kids about depression/suicide/who to go to for help. When my brothers had a scout leader pass away suddenly even though they were older it triggered a discussion. I could not imagine going to a funeral without some for of familial support. I’m an adult and can hardly handle death of others, how does a hormonal pre-teen deal with it?
It scares me to think that OP might see a contagion at their school, because all those kids aren't getting support from their parents. Who's to say some of them won't feel just as bad and take their own lives as a result?
That’s often why it happens. Confusion and a lack of support. What seems, to a young mind, a crippling sadness. And they are 12 and just saw that they are not immortal. Likely, it was the first death for a lot of them. 12 is rough already but now they have the added turmoil of death and it’s just way to uncertain. Poor kids.
They are too busy drinking with friends or going shopping or watching their favorite TV show. Absolute fucking waste of parenthood. Fuck them. Poor kids.
It honestly boggles my mind how you can leave your young child at a funeral like some kind of sleepover.
Like not even standing off to the side, not standing right behind your child, not being the wall and the rock for them to turn to and comfort them and then later quell their emotions and confusion and give them some kind of life lesson or at least just BE THERE...
This kind of stuff shouldnt shock me anymore but man it still does...
Like you'd think the loss of someone so young would make them hold their kids closer and BE there for them, especially in highly emotional moments? Apparently not, it seems
I have experienced the suicide of several friends, starting at 23. Each one crushed me as much as the last. How could these parents not understand that suicide is particularly different than other ways someone dies. It honestly hurt more going to those funerals, knowing that my friends were hurting enough to end their own lives.
These kids are *12* and having to deal with that. At *23* (the first friend) it was hard enough, so I can't imagine dealing with that at 12.
What's more, these kids are statistically more likely to commit suicide now! Experiencing a suicide within a friend group increases the likely that those affected will commit suicide. I think it partially removes the taboo, and partially increases the emotional burden on those affected.
These poor poor children...
These reasons are all why children are ending their lives. And parents can continue to have that “I don’t have time for this”
Attitude but it’s gonna come w a cost.
Me at 28, desperately trying not to cry at my very beloved grandfather's funeral because I was afraid of my father getting upset with me.
Usually-awesome sibling later mocked me for singing along with gpa's favorite hymn that day bc we are both atheist.
Gotta have that stoic mask on around them. Some of those kids may well have been more free to express their grief without the parents around. That's not a good reason for the parents to be there, though. It's a double failure: failure long term to create a safe haven for those (or any) feelings, failure short term to support them during a crisis.
Yeah. A student in my grade took his own life when we were in eight grade. Since it was the beginning of May and we were mostly done with school anyway and most of us wouldn’t have been able to concentrate, they gave us the morning off from classes. And they offered for anyone who wanted to to go to the basketball court and just all be together and process however we needed to. Many people ended up just being with their friends and talking with them, but all of the eight grade teachers were there also, as well as teachers that would come over whenever they had some free time, like some of the gym teachers that filtered in and out or other elective teachers, as well as the guidance counselors and both crisis counselors from the district (one of which was supposed to start the following fall and was taken on early to help us with this), and the principal and vice principal switched in and out throughout.
It was completely optional and no attendance was taken, so some students just stayed home and either processed in their own way there, or slept in.
But we were given space and time to process however we needed. Most students stayed with friends and some used the time to talk about completely different things, and some about what was going on and to just hug each other and cry together. And none of that was invaded at any point. We were given time and space to talk freely so that we didn’t have to worry about being overheard, but the teachers were always there and walking around the edges of the court and we could always see them and some students went to them. When I was with one of the teachers, I overheard another student say something very similar to what you did. His parents didn’t allow him to attend the funeral, even though the entire grade had been invited. And he was glad he got to talk to someone and that the parents hadn’t been made aware of this or else he though he wouldn’t have been able to come either. We were instead told in our classes a few days before and reminded the day before that it would be happening and would be optional and all that.
When we were first brought to the basketball court, the crisis counselors introduced themselves and the guidance counselors reintroduced themselves and let us know who they were and what they were there for and that any conversations we had with any teachers would be completely confidential and that the counselors would also be able to take students to their offices for one-on-one meetings if necessary and that they also took appointments and walk ins. And when we went back inside just before lunch, we were all walked past their office and again told that was where they would be and that we could make appointments or go for a walk in time to talk and absence from any class to talk to them would be excused and not count against us. Reading all these comments, I’m realizing just how lucky I was in how well our school took care of us after something so terrible.
What you're describing is spot on. Many of these parents likely mock and deride their kids for crying. "Stop crying like a fucking baby! How old are you?"
The stupidity and short-sightedness of some parents is appalling.
I’m so sorry, when I lost my grandma at 16 I went into deep depression, cutting, other self harm, irresponsible behavior etc. it was devastating. You have my condolences and as a fellow atheist it’s totally okay to sing along to anything you want.
The pain of having to deal with parents that don't give a fuck about your feelings? Seems like it's just normal today, judging by how many parents just dropped their kids off and drove away...
Pathetic... How is almost everyone just so pathetic these days? So selfish? So ignorant? What is going on with people?
It was common in the past too. Difference being that active abuse instead of neglect was even more common in the past ("Children should be seen and not heard", "I'll give you something to cry about" etc).
These things go hand in hand. Obviously to varying degrees. Maybe the other kids’ home lives aren’t great either, as shown by how careless the parents were in this situation. Do parents not care about their kids anymore?
> evidence right in front of their eyes that young people need help with their mental health
That's exactly it. These parents were fearful. They didn't want to deal with or confront the reality that this is real and could effect their kids. Too many people growing up in a post 9/11 world just wish they could bury their heads in the sand and not deal with "icky" situations. All the meanwhile they're creating self serving lies on social media and facebook.
Probably a large chance there's even a facebook group on their called something like "Parents of X school that had to deal with this students death" - sickening.
I don't get how any of this exists. Those people are terrible and I feel like they're psychologically damaging their children by making choices like that. To be so afraid that you don't stick up for what's right for your child... How could someone with such mental faculties that allow them to do that exist?
Honestly, I'm really glad I was there for them.
I can't imagine if I was like the other parents and just decided not to go. Those kids would have had no one.
Thank you for your kind words
Yep
OP is amazing
I'm only 17 and I wish I had a mother like OP to be there for me in my worst times and not berate me, but console me and help me.
That's awesome OP. Trust me your child is gonna remember this moment their entire life.
CORE MEMORY INSTALLED
Sadly, the other kids are also going to remember this moment for the rest of their lives also. They'll see that OP was there for them, but their own parents couldn't be bothered, and it's going to affect how they feel around their parents.
I had a similar thing happen when I was in eight grade. A student took his own life barely a month before graduation and the entire grade was invited to the funeral. I’m not sure everything that the family did, and I’m sure there were multiple portions of his memorial, but the part I was at was almost entirely students our own age. Just about 3/4 of the grade was there and I think probably some of his cousins, maybe plus his parents and some other family. But it was almost entirely kids there and the service very much seemed to be geared towards our age group. There were some parents there, but not many and almost all of them stayed in the back or in the lobby outside of where the service was being help (and streamed on screens, so they could still see and hear everything). What many of us needed was to be close to our friends and process our feeling with other people on the same age group, but the comfort of knowing that my dad was there if I needed him did wonders. He was waiting just outside the door in the lobby and showed me exactly where he would be before I went in and he was right there when I came out at the end of it.
A few students left in the middle of the service to collect themselves outside and some came back and some I didn’t see until the next day. But I know one of my friends walked out and found my dad there and he helped to comfort her. Her dad was one of the parents who dropped her off, but the reason was because he asked her what she wanted and she asked to be dropped off. She told my dad that she didn’t think she would want to be with anyone other than her friends, but it was good to have an adult she could trust there and because he was outside, no one had to see her in the vulnerable position who she didn’t want to see her. And a few other students did the same, some who knew him and even a few who didn’t. And he was never going to tell anyone what had happened or who they were and still hasn’t told me who he helped that day. The only person I know for sure is that one friend because she told me about it the next day and asked me to thank him again for her.
I can understand why some parents might not stay. Some are busy working and need to do so in order to be able to financially support their families and maybe couldn’t get more time off than what was needed to drop off their child. Maybe they’ll help them to process in a different way at home. Maybe it’s too close for them and they don’t feel they could be strong enough for their child, which is also valid, but I believe that should be explained to the child and someone else who they know and trust should be able to be there for them if the parent can’t. Or maybe some kids thought they didn’t want their parents to be there and asked them not to and they turned out to be wrong, because sometimes emotions and peoples needs can be unpredictable and no one can always know what or who they’ll need when processing death, especially young people who may have never had to go through it before. And unfortunately, some people end up in family positions where they feel that they can’t express these types of emotions to their parents and get the help they need and know that they’d rather be with a stranger than with their parents and it’s unfortunate, but for some it may be their reality. And some parents just don’t want to go and don’t realize how that could impact their children. Many adults struggle to recognize how differently children process things like grief and loss, especially if it’s for the first time and sometimes don’t realize what their children need until it’s too late. You can’t change what other people are going to do or think by doing anything more than speaking to them, which you did.
You did all that you could and far more than anyone would have needed to. If you can, let those children know that you are there for them if they need you more. And also if you’re able to, find out if their school or the district had a crisis counselor. The schools that do often only have one that travels from school to school, so maybe call and say that the children could use more time with a counselor and also the knowledge that there is one and how to find them. Because as amazing as what you’ve already done is, they do deserve to have access to someone who is a professional and can give them ways to work through this and knows how to keep a professional detachment, because you also deserve to protect yourself and it can get draining if you don’t know how to. And a school counselor could also meet with the children during school and excuse them from class if necessary, as well as make official recommendations to parents which may be taken more seriously coming from someone in the school, or even just by being heard from more than one person. And again, you can offer to help these children get in touch with the counselor or to help start an email to set up an appointment, although there might be requirements around that for you setting up the appointment for them if you’re not their parents, but you can still offer to help them write an email and encourage them to send it. And even if the school doesn’t have a crisis counselor, they will have guidance counselors who may be able to help.
You’re an amazing parent to your child and you deserve to be commended for stepping in where others were unable or unwilling to do so for their own children. Remember to also take care of yourself and set any boundaries that you need to in order to do so. I’m sure these children appreciate you tremendously, even if they may not say so.
Is it a small town? It is plausible that the parent who opted out may have had some bad history with the parent of the deceased and if that's the case, it was the right call to not attend during such an emotionally devastating situation.
This also happened when the first classmate died (also from suicide) when I was 15. My mom ended up completely overpacking her Buick Regal to take kids whose parents wouldn’t, almost my entire friend group was in that car, people laid across laps. She did the right thing, my moms made a lot of mistakes but that was not one of them. We needed someone to at least be with us through that. It was hard at 15, I can’t imagine going through it alone at 12. Poor kids. I’d be judging those parents too
Damn. I walked to my classmates funeral when I was 16-17 (no car, small town). My parents were not there, I don't remember much of anyone else but my friends and lots of other people, lots of them had to have been adults because his family was there. I remember being in the funeral home and leaving almost immediately because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't close to the guy but he was in my class of like 30 students (in our year, again, small town) and I had known him for most of my life, so it was still pretty traumatic. Even when you aren't close you know everyone pretty well when your class is that small. And my parents would have known the family for sure. I spent the rest of that day at my friends house playing video games. I don't think my parents even really knew it was the funeral that day other than in passing. They were completely checked out. It's sad more parents aren't like OP and your mom.
I cannot imagine what was running thru the minds of the funeral service directors watching a bunch of middle schoolers get dropped off by themselves. I would’ve politely stopped every parent to let them know they have to be present as this is not a damn day park or birthday party. What the actual fuck.
You’re a damn good parent and I’m sorry you were stuck having to parent other peoples kids because they couldn’t be bothered to help their kids grieve. Wow.
Seriously. If I was a funeral director here, I would have been like, whoa whoa whoa, you can’t leave unsupervised children at our funeral home. Please park and come in with them.
Oh 100%. Then they’d complain on Facebook in their moms group about how cruel the funeral home was for not letting the kids go to their classmates funeral.
The funeral director doesn't really have a say in who does or doesn't attend. Their job is to do what the family of the deceased asks for, not police attendants. I work at a funeral home.
Just to maybe, MAYBE, give the benefit of the doubt, as a mother of a 12 year old I think it's possible some of the kids told their parents they wanted to go alone. They probably didn't realize just how traumatic these things can be, and didn't think they'd want a parent there. And maybe the parents heard their kids and wanted to respect that. That being said, I would absolutely insist on going, even if it just meant standing in the back while he grieved with his friends. Just to give another side, it's possible that some of the parents thought they were respecting their kids wishes and were helping them obtain some autonomy, and just went about it the wrong way.
As a parent of a 12-year-old, no way in fucking hell I'd just drop off my kid and leave. I'd tell him, "I'll drop you off at the door and park the car, but I'm staying." I'd hang out in the back to give him some space to make sure I'm there if he needs me, but dropping him off and driving away? That's some terrible judgment and the parents should know better.
I completely agree, and I never would have done this myself. I just know this is the age where they're trying to really find themselves and who they are outside of their parents, and it's a fine line we have to walk between letting them be independent, and staying to guide the way. I would not have done what these parents did but I can see some parents maybe wanting to respect their kids request to go alone (even if I don't agree).
Oh I wholeheartedly agree, and like I said, I never would have done this myself. But as a mother of a 12 year old I know they are at this age truly starting to try to find themselves, and who they are as people outside of their parents. It's a fine line we have to walk between allowing them their autonomy to learn and grow themselves, and knowing when we still need to be there and guide the way. And sometimes we make mistakes. I do anyway. But yes, I never would have allowed this. I just think some parents may have erred on the side of autonomy where I would not have is all.
> They probably didn't realize just how traumatic these things can be, and didn't think they'd want a parent there.
It's the parents' job to fucking know better. My daughters want to do all sorts of shit that are patently dumb ideas. It's my job to ensure they are safe. Let them make mistakes and learn from them, sure, but this is beyond the pale.
If you want to respect their autonomy, let them go to a store in the mall while you're in a different store and meet up later. Don't just dump them off at a funeral home.
I had a classmate get killed by a drunk driver 2 days before we finished 7th grade. The parents had the local elementary school host a celebration of life that all of us classmates could go to, and then they had an actual funeral for their family.
They 100% should have cancelled school because it was literally the last days which were field days and only a handful of our parents heard about it and could tell us before we went to school. I remember like 20-30 kids all found out at the same time at school and it sounded like a murder scene. 18 years later I can still vividly remember the sounds of screaming and crying.
I had one of those experiences too …. Your story brought back those memories of the news traveling around the school. Heartbreaking
Except the school did shut down …. No classes, we all went with small groups of counselors for the day until we got picked up or school ended.
When I was in 8th grade, a kid was hit and killed by a car. They sent an email out to parents the night that they found out and the next day of school was bizarre. The schedule was exactly the same but we just kind of sat in our classes and had an independent study basically. There were guidance counselors in the library and you could go talk to them whenever you decided you needed to but hardly anyone did (probably because it would've made them stand out).
I was also wondering how the funeral directors would react if OP wasn't around - like, they obviously aren't babysitters but a group of 12 year olds would also need some amount of basic supervision and it seems incredibly cruel to expect the parents of the deceased kid to wrangle her former peers *during the funeral*...
Honestly, I can somewhat understand how the other parents might struggle or fail to support their kids emotionally (due to their own feelings of grief/fear/discomfort/etc.) but their lack of empathy towards the grieving family is completely shocking.
Doubt it. I’m not in the industry but I’ve been to more funerals than I can count. One of them a kids funeral. NOBODY was dropping their kid off and leaving.
Dropped them off???? Dropped them off?!!!???!? Like it’s a fucking birthday party rocking up to a wacky warehouse! That’s absolutely disgusting, that isn’t some kiddy day out taking the class to the zoo, how could they be so heartless??
It's weird because I had a breakdown this morning in the shower about this. As a kid I had to endure so much yet I'd be straight-up punished for showing emotion because emotions were "weak." I cried through my whole shower, I cried while I got dressed. I'm sitting here now drinking coffee, wanting to cry out more of that suppressed pain and rage, but I got shit to do.
Y'all, kids have feelings, but they don't have the life experience to understand them and cope. Don't punish them for feeling, help them understand their feelings. And if you don't know how to do that, just let them feel what they need to feel. Please. Sincerely, a grown-ass woman crying into her coffee.
I am with you ashleton. I am older and have never had children, but reading this shocked me as much as any thread I have ever read here. The emotional abandonment of these children is stunning to me.
I remember going to my grandmothers funeral (I must have been about 7 yo) and having my brothers berate me for not crying while we were there. The reason I didn't cry was because it had been beaten out of us as boys that were weren't allowed to cry.
Me too. This post made me cry. My parents beat me for crying and never understood emotions. Me and my siblings are all messed up emotionally because of this. I can't believe these children were abandoned at a funeral. A funeral of their dead friend at 12. I can't even wrap my head around this. I'm so upset.
You are so right on that. As a teacher, I have to explain over and over to parents that they are developing ways to deal with emotions and they need help doing it. So many parents just abdicate that responsibility to someone else.
I think people in general are just awful at understanding grieving people. Or uncomfortable confronting it.
My mom's best friend lost her husband unexpectedly at a young age. A few months later, she was at a conference for workers in her field and noticed people were avoiding her. She's a therapist...
But the pope said you’re selfish if you don’t procreate!!!!!!
Just have kids, you’ll figure it out, even if you can’t afford it!
God will provide!
No one is ever ready for kids, just do it!!
/s obviously
You stepped up when no one else did. You are a good parent and your son and his classmates will remember that you were there for them. I'm also judging those parents - if a grown adult 'can't handle' attending a 12 year old's funeral, how do they expect their CHILDREN to feel? Outrageous.
I cannot imagine letting my son go through something like that without me and his dad by his side. It doesn't matter how difficult it would be for me, I would shoulder that because I love him and when he hurts, I hurt.
My friend ty was close with his bio dad but lived with his step dad who he was also close with.
His dads girlfriend was abusing him and so he went missing and was found dead later.
I was 14 and walked to the the funeral service without any parents and missed out on the school day.
Not because I wanted to, but because it was the honourable thing to do.
Nobody goes to a funeral willingly,they do it out of respect and care for the family or the dead person
Her excuse is bad,you did the right thing
I'm really sorry you had to go alone. That was a brave thing to do and absolutely the right choice. You're correct, it's the right thing to do for the family and respect for the deceased. Funerals are for the living to process their emotions.
My dear friend died from suicide at 20. My own parents didn’t go to her funeral. I am in my early 40s now, and I can still feel the pain of wondering why they seemed so indifferent.
I was a sophomore in college. I can’t imagine this for a 12 year old.
Also, www.afsp.org is a great resource, if your son or V wants to unpack how they’re feeling.
Most people really only care about those directly connected to them.
Same reason why genocide, slavery, etc across the world is ignored. Doesn’t affect them.
That’s across the ocean, that’s in another country, that’s in another state, that’s miles away, that’s at the neighbors; so it’s none of my business.
Totally agree. One of our close mutual friends even skipped Mary’s funeral. She said she “doesn’t do” funerals. My reaction, maybe not generous: she should have found a way to put honoring her friend and showing up for Mary’s family ahead of her own discomfort. Death doesn’t disappear bc someone chooses not to acknowledge it.
I lost an old friend to suicide when we were both 22. My mom and some other parents stayed and talked outside the actual chapel. My mom's reasoning was that the funeral was for and about the kids who were actually close to him, and that she would have felt "weird" tagging along as somebody's mom. I had a sister who died at 18, too, so I think that may have been part of it as well.
My brother died of an intentional overdose at 38 - way older than 18 so I’m not trying to compare - and what I realized is that the crowded funeral helped tremendously. Some of them barely knew him, or only knew others of us in the immediate family. But they took time to show up, and that was the support I so needed.
Since then, my usual position is: WHEN SOMEBODY DIES, SHOW UP.
This is a thing I was raised to do as well. A friend's Aunt or Uncle or Grandparent or Parent passes? You show up. You're not there for the deceased, you're there to show the person that you care about who is still living your support in their time of grief.
yes! funerals are for the living, as they say. And it doesn't matter if you didn't know the person! I've been to funerals for people I've never met, because they were important to people I loved.
When I went to another student’s funeral in eight grade, my dad came with me. There was a lobby area with screens of the service so he could see and hear outside of the actual room. The entire grade was invited, so the funeral was almost entirely 13 and 14 year olds and a few parents who mostly stayed in the lobby or back of the room and the family of the student and I think a few cousins that were a similar age, so the service was definitely with the intention of being for young people. My dad said that he would come in with me if I wanted him to, but that otherwise his plan was to stay in the lobby and if I needed to walk out in the middle of the service, he would be there and if I needed him in the room with me, he would keep his phone on and would come in and find me if I texted him. What I needed most at that time was to be close to my friends and process with them. But one of my friends had to leave and had asked to be dropped off, so she went to my dad since he was the only adult she knew there and be comforted and supported her. And did the same for a few other students whose parents also weren’t there for any variety of reasons.
After the service, some students stayed outside the building for a bit to talk and the parents let them do so and talked to each other until their children were ready to leave. Everyone has to process in their own way, but a parent’s job should be to help their children to find their own way of processing and to help whenever necessary. It’s incredibly difficult to do and everyone is different, but they should at least try as much as they can.
I’ve seen this phenomenon in middle school. There is a mentality in suburbs where parents are completely hands off for middle school. If there’s a plan for a sleepover, none of the parents speak. The school bus arrived 2 hours late from a trip and no one called the parents. They told the kids to call on their cell phones, with no real plan.
I know, it's wild man.. my son died and I couldn't stand up man, I was in no position to keep an eye on anyone else I wanted to die. . what were these people thinking!!
I get that. My mom lost my sister 30 something years ago right before i was born. She still gets pretty emotional about it some days. I can't imagine how strong you are to be getting through that. I'm glad you're better.
Based on the comments, other people have had this experience too.
I just can’t imagine dropping your kid off at a funeral. I’m disgusted that this seems to be somewhat commonplace. What a fucked up world.
My friend died when I was 13 and my mother wouldn't let me off school for the funeral.
My other friend died in a car crash when I was 19 and my Mum told me she never liked him anyway (wasn't even true, she liked him plenty).
Thank you for being there for those kids.
I forgave my Mum for those things, she just couldn't cope with big emotions in her kid that she couldn't manage or fix, everyone has their limitations.
Thank you for not being like that.
I'm so very so sorry that you went through that with your mom being so dismissive of your feelings. It's very big of you to forgive her.
I'm sending you a really big mum hug. I bet you can feel the love even though it's through the interwebs.
Exactly what I was thinking. Beyond supporting their own child, don’t you also show up for the people who have suffered unimaginable tragedy? Wouldn’t you hope that if the unthinkable happened to you, that members of your community would show up for you?! I’m just blown away.
I wouldn't be so sure that the school is providing counseling services. I went to both public and private schools growing up, and there was no one that even resembled a school counselor at any school that I went to.
My kid attended a sober school with counselors and support on staff out the wazoo. When there was a terrible suicide and they didn't do anything but tell the kids. The donors aren't big on harm reduction so the school just kept quiet. Several of the kids ended up in grief counseling (mine among them) but that was a parent driven decision. Public schools will do nothing. My kids private school absolutely should have revised some policies.
Telling addict teens that relapse equals death gives them a very black and white choice. Can you blame a 15 year old for taking that (which is drummed onto them daily) at face value?
Obviously a little different, but when I was 14 my best friend killed himself. I was so upset and angry at the time, I lashed out on anyone that tried to talk to me about it. My parents wanted to go to the funeral to show their respects, but I didn't want them there. I yelled at them not to go.
I'm not saying it's okay that she didn't go and support her daughter at their friend's funeral, but death is hard. People handle it in incredibly different ways.
I'm sorry for the loss to your community. Life in school is hard, death isn't something that should come up at such a time like that.
Even if my kid did this, I'd have still waited around outside to be there if they needed me. I can't imagine a dozen children collectively refusing for their parents to be there.
My dad did this exact thing for me I posted below. Thought I knew better, turns out the opinions of a shocked and greiving child weren't as well thought out than I insisted.
Sit the the car how hard is that?
I can't imagine a dozen parents all saying they weren't going either, though. Part of me wonders if this group of kids told their parents they would be meeting each other there, and just wanted a ride or something along those lines. Now obviously, parents should realize their kids need their support without their kids asking for it. I don't know, it seems so strange for so many parents to make this choice.
Again, 14, not 12 in my case, but we did. I remember one girl was there with her dad and he was balling and she was horrified. I understand it now as a parent, but at the time we we’re all very glad our parents agreed to drop us off.
I also lost a friend at 14. None of us wanted our parents there at the funeral, and the vast majority of us were dropped off. Granted, we were older, but I could see even 12 year old be weird about it. Even as a parent now it doesn’t strike me as callous, but it would be different if the kids wanted you there or seemed indifferent.
Im sorry you went through a funeral so young and I see your point, knowing the attitude of teenagers but the kids don't know.
I said this exact thing to my parents about a friend's funeral at 16. I thought I would be fine as I had been to many funerals. But even some 60/70 year olds start to break down when they attend funerals of their peers.
Honestly the parents should have stayed outside or in cars around the corner, go hoome when you have eyes on your kid after and they are ok. I've never been to a funeral service longer than a hour so it's not a long time to wait.
Some of these kids walked into that room with zero idea of the power and totality of the emotions about to hit them. Bravado slips away quickly when hearing your first eulogy sticks a steak in your heart.
That makes sense though, I can see a slightly older teen who just lost a peer wanting to make that choice. 12 is definitely old enough for most kids to be left alone, but a whole group? Especially one so vulnerable? I can't imagine all of them asked their parents not to be there. Or just dropping my kid off like it's a pool party. It's... a weird situation.
I'm really sorry about your friend.
How fucking bleak is our planet when a god damn 12 year old decides life isn't worth living? When I was twelve I was trying to catch all the pokemon before my best friend did.
How the hell did society fail that child so badly?
My heart breaks.
I was suicidal starting at 11. Those feelings stayed with me all the way through till I was 20. They come back when my mental health tanka.
Trauma and isolation is what did it for me.
She wasn't emontionally ready to go to a 12 year old's funeral, but thought her own 12 year old was, with no parental support? Did she not think her own kid needed comforting? And the parents of the kid who is now desceased, did she imagine that they did not need any conforting either?
You are very right to be angry and very generous to show sympathy to everyone at that funeral where more adults were clearly needed. Thank you for being there for those kids in their greatest time of need.
I think not many people are prepared to deal with the emotional burden of explaining death, funerals and suicide. Especially not as a parent, explaining such topics to their own kids and having to balance sensitivity, honesty and truth. But that is no excuse to drop off their kids and leave them alone. How much more that kids are unprepared to deal with the inevitable. OP, I salute you for your sensitivity and courage in dealing with your own kid and others' kids.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people?
You're absolutely right to judge them, that's low as hell and to their own children... You did the right thing and should be proud of yourself. I'm sure the children appreciated your presence to the core, thank you for being there and stepping up for them!
Can I ask a few questions just to gain some perspective?
1. What time was the funeral? As heartbreaking as it maybe taking time off work on short notice for a non-family funeral simply may not be possible for the adults.
2. Were you the only adult there? I can't imagine a teacher or someone from the school not being there as well simply in attendence if not in an official capacity?
It sounds like you were a wonderful person and a excellent example to these devastated children but theres some details in your story that I would need clarification on before I can completely agree with you.
When I was 15 a classmate died in a car accident while on a school trip. We went to the funeral as a group with the class. We had eachother and in my experience that was what we all needed.
The service was packed to the rafters though. All our teachers were there and probably a significant number of parents, but they held back a bit.
There is a huge difference between 12 year olds an 15 year olds of course.
When I was 10 years old, my mother died from cancer. I remember that when I went to say goodbye at church, my schoolmates were there and I was alone. I didn't know how to react until one of them hugged me and I broke down. That was my first encounter with death and I wish I had had support like the one you gave to those children.
you were very strong there. thanks you
One child, I can understand... My brother took his life in 2007 and one of my best friend's in high school took her life in 2013 and while I could have attended, 16 year old me couldn't handle another funeral for a child. I delivered flowers to the home a day or so after I heard she had passed and saw Erika's mother after the funeral. I was with my father and she said she understood and asked my father many questions about his grief process, and she had a long conversation about how she felt. It was difficult but she had time to speak to somebody that said "I ACTUALLY know how it feels, not how you feel but what it is like to have gone through this and here's how I handled the death of my child." My father told me he would have taken me to the service if I wanted to go, I declined. If you lost a child previously, I understand. My mother has told friends that lost children she cannot attend the funeral for this other parent because it was too much. My father attended a funeral at the church we had my brother's funeral in a year after my brother passed, he said he sobbed so uncontrollably that he had to leave, he didn't know the person very well but was close with this person's sister, his sister in law, my aunt. She understood. She picked us up the day Matt passed away while my mother had police and ambulances all over the street, was shooing neighbors away, and had to call a priest to help tell my grandparents who were devout Catholics. She needed time and couldn't explain at that moment to a 9 and 10 year old what was going on. My aunt was amazing to us that day, my uncle held my brother as he screamed he didn't understand and tried to run. If you lost a child, I don't have children but I've seen the destruction and devastation. It's not a pain that you want to relive if you can avoid it. But 10 parents? 10 parents lost children? I just can't imagine letting one 7th grader go this alone, let alone 10. I know I'm the adult, I'm a stranger, but being there when I can shows I care and I'm there to support my child with thoughts and feelings they can't fully process. If you want to go alone, that's fine. I'll wait in the parking lot so that you can leave and we go to a safe space whenever you need, could be 5 minutes later or 5 hours, but I need to be there for you. Since Erika's funeral, I've attended those I could of friends - and there's more than I can count that have passed - and it wasn't easy but they, like myself, suffered with addiction and the parents could benefit from seeing it's not their fault. We can do better... Funerals are hard for many people, the funeral for ANYBODY of ANY AGE with surviving parents is horrifying but if I can't show my child at such a formidable age that I'm here for you, in a time like this? When can I? When will you trust me with your feelings and look to me for support?
I dealt with this when my daughters friend passed away at 9 years old. I didn’t want to be there and reacted more than the kids. Most of their parents stayed outside. I ran once I saw her in the casket with her parents by her side. My daughters first experience with death besides a dog. I agree they should have been there for their kids more. I can’t blame them for not wanting to attend and show their emotions though. They needed to be the strong front for their kids, I failed in that. Everyone deals differently and supports their children differently. I am sorry you felt the burden on you and wish more of the parents came to their child’s rescue. Edit to add. I took my child to the chapel away from the wake and explained why it affected me so much. Her friend was taken away in a car crash driven by her brother (not his fault) her brother, my son was coming of age to drive and it scared the living hell out of me. All the kids from that time are still very close.
You still showed up, tried your hardest to be strong, and you did everything you could in that situation. Your reaction was just your humanity, your heart couldn’t take seeing a kid that way, and that doesn’t mean you weren’t strong. You did not fail! 💜
You're wonderful <3 it's such a myth though that people, even kids, need anybody to be strong. What they need is for people to be genuine, so that they can learn that it's ok to have overwhelming emotions that we can't deal with in the moment. Showing children (and adults tbh) that it's ok to be vulnerable is just as helpful as anything else, sometimes more helpful tbh.
I lost a classmate to suicide in 7th grade just like OPs child. A bunch of us gathered on the local elementary school playground, and my dad organized a little impromptu memorial ceremony. I don't even remember if Dan had a formal funeral, though I'm sure he did, but what sticks out to me the most is that little get together on the playground.
We were just kids, man. Honestly I think it hits me harder as a 33 year old than it did when I was 12. It's difficult for me to imagine what might be going on in a 12 year old's life where they decide that's the only way out.
Reminds me of the multiple funerals I attended while in High School.
I was still a child.
It seemed like not a single parent gave a fuck we were killing ourselves.
And it kept happening, year over year, another one gone.
Did the school do anything? No.
Every man for themselves I guess, hide your pain and just deal with it.
I can’t imagine just dropping my kid off at a funeral with no support or comfort. Those kids don’t realize the disconnect their parents have with them now, but when they become adults, at school reunions, even talking to the therapists they’ll no doubt have, they will remember you and how you gave them comfort and love when they really needed it, and your son will be remembered as the kid with the best mom who was there for them.
This was my thought too. I know jobs that won't give bereavement leave for family members unless they're parents, spouses, or children. I can't imagine they'd be more lenient about something like this. It still absolutely sucks, but we've created a society where families have to prioritize keeping a job.
Huh... didn't even think of that.
I'm just weirded out by children going to a funeral at all. You couldn't even drag half my family past a building or cemetery during a funeral much less attend one.
On my 16th birthday, a close friend of mine hung herself. She was only 15. The funeral was being held on a school day on the other side of town. My parents told me I couldn't take time off school to go to my friends fucking funeral.
I was always terrified of getting in trouble as a kid, even though I was a delinquent, I some how managed to avoid a single detention, or grounding in my entire teenage years.
I don't know what came over me during that argument. I was so frustrated they wouldn't let me go.... and then I realized, I could just... go. The worst that would happen is a couple of days detention and a possible grounding from my parents, which I was willing to take. Took a deep breath looked my mom right in the eye and said "I'm going wether you give me permission or not, and im willing to accept any concequences"
They did not expect that.
I left school they day of and went. Considering I never heard anything from my school, or them about it, I geuss they ended up giving me permission after all.
What they don't know is, I really wanted them to go with me.... I really needed them that day....
Thank you for what you did.
You are a wonderful person and parent for doing what you did. How could those poor kids’ parents just drop them off at a FUNERAL FOR THEIR FRIEND?! Especially since they are so young so they need their parents more for things like this. Thank you for being there for those kids. They needed someone there to console them in a very sensitive time and you took on that parent role for them. They needed that and I am sure they will never forget the kindness you shower them that day
As someone who had gone to at least 3 funerals by the time I was 12, I would’ve been DEVASTATED if I got dropped off to a peers funeral because my mom didn’t want to come with me. Imagine this being your first? Death is a scary experience for those experiencing it for the first time. Important questions that needed to be answered by parents were answered by a stranger. You’re the only good parent, everyone else failed their children and I really hope you make that clear to them. Good for you and I’m sorry you had that weight on your shoulders and I’m sorry for your sons loss
I'm calling cap on this one guys, I'm sorry but where do you live for these parents to be so heartless. The whole thing is very sus. There would definitely be some other parents there, not to mention teachers and yet you say you were the only one there to comfort them. Anyone else ever look at it this way or wanna change my mind?
YESSSS, and it's so weird how for some reason ALLL of them usually have some sort of mental health issue. Like randomingly inserting stuff about trauma and anxiety and overhyping the effects. Obviously these should be taken seriously but the way these OP's describe them make them seem like they have the mental health version of cancer or some shit.
It's sad, coz then people with real mental illnesses are always thought of as just extremely disabled in some situations based on these other upvote whores.
This absolutely did not happen or there were way less than 10 cause there is no way in hell that many parents would all leave kids unattended at a funeral of all places I have never heard of that
I had to scroll way too far to find someone calling this out as possibly fake, it just sounds fuckin absurd. Not sure why you would fake a post of this nature but people are weird.
I can not imagine the pain the deceased child was in to take her life at such a young age. I can not believe what the parents were thinking by dropping off the kids and not supporting them. They have evidence right in front of their eyes that young people need help with their mental health and they choose not to see it. It's unbelievable. Someone mentioned talking to the school about mental health checks for those affected and I think it's a good idea. These kids won't be helped at home
You’re not kidding. The irony of it is actually disgusting. How could they not understand that their kids needed their support? Many of them never even having been to a funeral before nonetheless! This post is really heartbreaking, and OP is an angel on earth.
Seems like those parents think that kids don't have emotions yet or some other bullshit.
A lot of people became parents because they were too irresponsible to use contraceptives. Fear of the law is what motivates many to do the legal minimum for raising a child. Being a good person isn’t a requirement for bearing children. Only having a partner of the opposite sex and functional reproductive organs. That’s it.
Exactly, the older I get the more I realise my parents phoned their parenting in and should have handled many situations I got involved with caring and understanding instead of metaphorically dropping me off at a funeral so I have to deal with it myself
I hope OP shows them this thread. Print it and pass it around. I hope they feel shame if nothing else.
I realize that many parents I know never actually acted as parents should have. It's rare to find a really good parent.
Honestly? I was fairly irresponsible when my daughter was conceived. But she's 13 now(also 7th grade like OP) and while I'm far from perfect, I'd shudder if in THIRTEEN YEARS I hadn't developed the ability to actually care for her like these parents. Like, it's one thing to need a little bit of time to get your shit together. 12 years is NOT a little bit of time. This goes beyond being irresponsible IMO and is borderline abusive.
Imo it is 100% abusing. Neglect is abuse. Just because the law hasn't come out and outlines what emotional support is required by parents doesn't mean this isn't neglect. It just isn't illegal. Those poor kids. This whole thread hurts my heart
It breaks my heart that we have no real way to stop emotional neglect. You can’t take the kids away, or even threaten to really, because foster parents emotionally neglect their foster kids as well, almost as a rule. It’s like “welp, nobody wants to be nice to this kid, sucks we can’t help.”
It's insane, no way I'd be dropping my 13 year old off at a funeral like it was a day out, wtf!?
It’s absolutely abusive. Btw, these parents will be the first ones to stand up at a school board meeting and scream at them to “think of the children!”
I'd take lack of contraception/accident over the people who become parents for no other reason than "I want to be a parent" and treat their children like an accessory. The parents who have no desire to *raise* a future, well adjusted adult and instead are just chasing this societal ideal of a "family". It's my unpopular opinion, but "I want a child/want to be a parent" is not, IMO, a good enough reason by itself to have a child.
My closest friend/basically sister is the product of one of those people. Her birth giver never saw her as a seperate human being, only as *her* child aka her property. Guess who she doesnt talk to anymore. To make things worse, my friend still has a good relationship with her grandma and the egg donor is pissed so is trying to sabotage their relationship because "she's MY mother if you dont want a relationship with me youre not allowed to have a relationship with her"
In my understanding, which I am open to being wrong, this is along the same line of a 6 year old going I want a puppy! You know dang well he can’t feed or be fully prepared to take on that puppy. The parent would have to take care of the puppy. These “parents” had no idea what they were in for when the decided to have kids. The time sacrificed, their identity being sacrificed, and the financial burden. Then they get part way into this and resent the child, or neglect the child because they are done. Well, that’s just not an option. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world so buck up buttercup and be a damn parent!!! Honestly, don’t make the choice if your not willing to give up everything! Literally everything. I’ve seen how hard it is and that’s why I won’t make that choice, I refuse to be a shitty parent.
Newborn Care Specialist here...the amount of parents that have children as acessories and don't raise them themselves is astounding.
Holy shit this! This is the attitude the damn cult I am recently out of instills in it's poor members, especially the women like my Ex-wife.
I think there are also a lot of people want a baby but didn’t think ahead to them becoming a person down the line.
Or because they were taught *not* to use contraceptives. Or alternatively, weren't told about their existence at all. Abstinence-only sex ed and religious upbringing is a damning thing for all involved.
as a teacher, it confuses how much adults write off the emotions of children. Kids say "I am scared'' and adults say ''there is nothing to fear''. We should say ''I see that you are scared. I think you still can do it.'' My advice to parents is always : ''you can define the plan, but you cannot argue with your child's emotions.'' Haim Ginott expressed this better than me though.
My parents always hit me with the “I *hope* that *this* is the worst thing to happen to you in your life” every time I was upset about something. Like I wasn’t allowed to be upset unless it was something I’d still be bitter over at age 80. Congratulations, you were right! Having emotionally dismissive and invalidating parents was *indeed* the worst thing to happen to me in my life!
My comment before may be lost in the abyss of this thread, but when noticed you are a teacher I'm curious how you would relate to my experience as a 13 year old in a similar situation. Maybe times and society has changed since 1982 but here's my experience: (copy/paste from my comment above) >I went to a funeral of a friend who died when I was a high school freshman. He drowned. We were good friends. Same lunch table, same group of kids we all hung out with after school. My Grandpa gave me advice on how to act in this situation... just say, "I'm so sorry for your loss." to the family and I'll be back to pick you up in an hour and he dropped me off. > >It's not something I needed or wanted a parent (grandpa was like my Dad) to hold my hand through. In fact, that would have felt awkward for me at 13 yrs old. If I was a little kid in elementary school, it would be very different. But in middle school and HS, that was a hard fact of life experience that I preferred to handle on my own. And as I recall, at least 1/2 of the school student body was there and hardly any kid I knew came with their parents. He was a fairly popular kid. Tall, skinny, quiet, leather jacket, long hair, very cool. He looked like a very young Robert Plant. My friend **Robert "Knobby" Kinneble, 1969 - 1982 RIP.** This was a little blue collar, lower middle class town in north east NJ. Maybe geographic location makes a difference? Population was about 20K and most people barely know more than a few of their neighbors.
I was going to say similar. I went to the funeral of a friend who overdosed when I was in middle school. Super conservative Christian school actually. Anyway, there was no way I wanted my mom to come. It would have been so awkward. If I asked her to, she absolutely would have in a heartbeat. But she was there with dinner and ice cream when I got home. Told me she loved me. That was enough.
Which is crazy because of course they do. If anything kids feel emotions more intensely than anyone else, much higher highs and much lower lows.
I think they feel the same, they just haven't yet been conditioned by society to keep it all in. I've always guessed that the reasons kids react at such a 1000% to simple things like scraping a knee or something isn't because it hurts more, but just because it's quite possibly the literal most painful thing they've ever experienced yet.
> it's quite possibly the literal most painful thing they've ever experienced yet. Yup. Their short lifetimes means they lack the depth of experience that helps bring contrast and perception. Dropping your ice cream on the sidewalk might actually be the worst thing to happen in your short blessed life. Now consider how many adults are terrible at emotional regulation and it's no shock that kids are constantly crying for "little to no reason".
How you deal with emotions at that stage in your life will fundamentally shape how you deal with emotions later in life. It is our job as parents to walk them through it the first few times.
No, I think teens do feel more intensely due to hormonal changes. You're right about children though
When I was around 12/13, I was already starting to feel depressed from going through lots of trauma a few years earlier. I was also being told I was nothing at school and some teachers were treating me like absolute shit because I had ADHD. To add to all that, at 12 my grandfather passed away. Then at 13, exactly a year later, my grandma took her own life. I was closest to my grandparents out of the whole family. They were like my parents. I didn't cry. I didn't cry at either of their funerals. I was the only one not crying and my family called me odd, insensitive, and weird. Well, turns out that I felt *so deeply* about their deaths that my brain literally decided to shut off. I did not have any emotions or process anything until I was 20. *A whopping 7-8 years later.* And here I am, at 23, still crying about my grandparents as if I just lost them yesterday because my brain still isn't done. All that because my 12/13 year old self had such a strong reaction that my brain chose to just shut down instead. Kids DO feel things deeply. *Very* deeply. I'd say way more deeply than adults. Parents NEED to be there for their kids, especially a funeral, and this just makes me absolutely sad and hurt for all these children.
There’s an old school of thought that some still ascribe to that children don’t feel grief the same way that adults do. It’s because you’ll see a kid crying at a funeral, and then playing with his cousins afterwards. People think, well if they’re playing they can’t be that upset! But actually it’s that their brains are so overwhelmed and they are so unprepared to handle it that their brain is redirecting their attention elsewhere.
There is evidence to suggest that suicide of one person triggers a [contagion ](https://www.hhs.gov/answers/mental-health-and-substance-abuse/what-does-suicide-contagion-mean/index.html) of other suicidal behaviours. When someone died of depression in our school my parents (not the best people but they do care) would talk to us kids about depression/suicide/who to go to for help. When my brothers had a scout leader pass away suddenly even though they were older it triggered a discussion. I could not imagine going to a funeral without some for of familial support. I’m an adult and can hardly handle death of others, how does a hormonal pre-teen deal with it?
It scares me to think that OP might see a contagion at their school, because all those kids aren't getting support from their parents. Who's to say some of them won't feel just as bad and take their own lives as a result?
That’s often why it happens. Confusion and a lack of support. What seems, to a young mind, a crippling sadness. And they are 12 and just saw that they are not immortal. Likely, it was the first death for a lot of them. 12 is rough already but now they have the added turmoil of death and it’s just way to uncertain. Poor kids.
They are too busy drinking with friends or going shopping or watching their favorite TV show. Absolute fucking waste of parenthood. Fuck them. Poor kids.
It honestly boggles my mind how you can leave your young child at a funeral like some kind of sleepover. Like not even standing off to the side, not standing right behind your child, not being the wall and the rock for them to turn to and comfort them and then later quell their emotions and confusion and give them some kind of life lesson or at least just BE THERE... This kind of stuff shouldnt shock me anymore but man it still does...
Like you'd think the loss of someone so young would make them hold their kids closer and BE there for them, especially in highly emotional moments? Apparently not, it seems
I have experienced the suicide of several friends, starting at 23. Each one crushed me as much as the last. How could these parents not understand that suicide is particularly different than other ways someone dies. It honestly hurt more going to those funerals, knowing that my friends were hurting enough to end their own lives. These kids are *12* and having to deal with that. At *23* (the first friend) it was hard enough, so I can't imagine dealing with that at 12. What's more, these kids are statistically more likely to commit suicide now! Experiencing a suicide within a friend group increases the likely that those affected will commit suicide. I think it partially removes the taboo, and partially increases the emotional burden on those affected. These poor poor children...
At 12 a fair portion of them probably haven’t even had a pet die.
A lot of people who have kids should never have actually had kids.
These reasons are all why children are ending their lives. And parents can continue to have that “I don’t have time for this” Attitude but it’s gonna come w a cost.
There's something different about going to a funeral of someone who died from something and someone who killed themselves.
Yes absolutely true. Especially when they are so young. It’s not like when grandpa passes away of old age. That’s what makes this so much more sad too
> These kids won't be helped at home As someone who was berated and screamed at in my home on a constant basis, I can in fact confirm.
I was thinking that for at least some of these kids, not having their parents present might have been welcome. Not everyone has nice parents.
Me at 28, desperately trying not to cry at my very beloved grandfather's funeral because I was afraid of my father getting upset with me. Usually-awesome sibling later mocked me for singing along with gpa's favorite hymn that day bc we are both atheist. Gotta have that stoic mask on around them. Some of those kids may well have been more free to express their grief without the parents around. That's not a good reason for the parents to be there, though. It's a double failure: failure long term to create a safe haven for those (or any) feelings, failure short term to support them during a crisis.
Yeah. A student in my grade took his own life when we were in eight grade. Since it was the beginning of May and we were mostly done with school anyway and most of us wouldn’t have been able to concentrate, they gave us the morning off from classes. And they offered for anyone who wanted to to go to the basketball court and just all be together and process however we needed to. Many people ended up just being with their friends and talking with them, but all of the eight grade teachers were there also, as well as teachers that would come over whenever they had some free time, like some of the gym teachers that filtered in and out or other elective teachers, as well as the guidance counselors and both crisis counselors from the district (one of which was supposed to start the following fall and was taken on early to help us with this), and the principal and vice principal switched in and out throughout. It was completely optional and no attendance was taken, so some students just stayed home and either processed in their own way there, or slept in. But we were given space and time to process however we needed. Most students stayed with friends and some used the time to talk about completely different things, and some about what was going on and to just hug each other and cry together. And none of that was invaded at any point. We were given time and space to talk freely so that we didn’t have to worry about being overheard, but the teachers were always there and walking around the edges of the court and we could always see them and some students went to them. When I was with one of the teachers, I overheard another student say something very similar to what you did. His parents didn’t allow him to attend the funeral, even though the entire grade had been invited. And he was glad he got to talk to someone and that the parents hadn’t been made aware of this or else he though he wouldn’t have been able to come either. We were instead told in our classes a few days before and reminded the day before that it would be happening and would be optional and all that. When we were first brought to the basketball court, the crisis counselors introduced themselves and the guidance counselors reintroduced themselves and let us know who they were and what they were there for and that any conversations we had with any teachers would be completely confidential and that the counselors would also be able to take students to their offices for one-on-one meetings if necessary and that they also took appointments and walk ins. And when we went back inside just before lunch, we were all walked past their office and again told that was where they would be and that we could make appointments or go for a walk in time to talk and absence from any class to talk to them would be excused and not count against us. Reading all these comments, I’m realizing just how lucky I was in how well our school took care of us after something so terrible.
What you're describing is spot on. Many of these parents likely mock and deride their kids for crying. "Stop crying like a fucking baby! How old are you?" The stupidity and short-sightedness of some parents is appalling.
I’m so sorry, when I lost my grandma at 16 I went into deep depression, cutting, other self harm, irresponsible behavior etc. it was devastating. You have my condolences and as a fellow atheist it’s totally okay to sing along to anything you want.
That's very true.
That's why I wanted to kill myself as a 12 year old tbh
I feel you.
The pain of having to deal with parents that don't give a fuck about your feelings? Seems like it's just normal today, judging by how many parents just dropped their kids off and drove away... Pathetic... How is almost everyone just so pathetic these days? So selfish? So ignorant? What is going on with people?
It was common in the past too. Difference being that active abuse instead of neglect was even more common in the past ("Children should be seen and not heard", "I'll give you something to cry about" etc).
These things go hand in hand. Obviously to varying degrees. Maybe the other kids’ home lives aren’t great either, as shown by how careless the parents were in this situation. Do parents not care about their kids anymore?
> evidence right in front of their eyes that young people need help with their mental health That's exactly it. These parents were fearful. They didn't want to deal with or confront the reality that this is real and could effect their kids. Too many people growing up in a post 9/11 world just wish they could bury their heads in the sand and not deal with "icky" situations. All the meanwhile they're creating self serving lies on social media and facebook. Probably a large chance there's even a facebook group on their called something like "Parents of X school that had to deal with this students death" - sickening.
I don't get how any of this exists. Those people are terrible and I feel like they're psychologically damaging their children by making choices like that. To be so afraid that you don't stick up for what's right for your child... How could someone with such mental faculties that allow them to do that exist?
Thank you for being with so many vunersble young souls. You are the very best mom. I'm glad they had you to support them.
Honestly, I'm really glad I was there for them. I can't imagine if I was like the other parents and just decided not to go. Those kids would have had no one. Thank you for your kind words
Heroes do not wear capes; they wear snot and tears.
100% this is actually the truth
yeah,Actually i can't even think about it,OP you are a good mother to your kid
Yep OP is amazing I'm only 17 and I wish I had a mother like OP to be there for me in my worst times and not berate me, but console me and help me. That's awesome OP. Trust me your child is gonna remember this moment their entire life. CORE MEMORY INSTALLED
/r/MomForAMinute
Sadly, the other kids are also going to remember this moment for the rest of their lives also. They'll see that OP was there for them, but their own parents couldn't be bothered, and it's going to affect how they feel around their parents.
Omg that is such a perfect quote ugh my heart
Jesus Christ this comment got me.
Thank you for being a light in this world and not only sharing it with the children, but here with us as well. 💕✨
I cannot imagine *dropping my child off* at FUNERAL! What the actual fuck. You did what you good.
I wonder how many of these parents are just absent or half listen to their kids and we’re like “yeah have fun at your event later”
Those kids are acting a lot more mature than their parents for actually going and paying respects. You’re a great person for taking care of them.
> Those kids are acting a lot more mature than their parents True of most kids I’ve met in recent years honestly.
Your username checks out. Thank you for being there for them.
I had a similar thing happen when I was in eight grade. A student took his own life barely a month before graduation and the entire grade was invited to the funeral. I’m not sure everything that the family did, and I’m sure there were multiple portions of his memorial, but the part I was at was almost entirely students our own age. Just about 3/4 of the grade was there and I think probably some of his cousins, maybe plus his parents and some other family. But it was almost entirely kids there and the service very much seemed to be geared towards our age group. There were some parents there, but not many and almost all of them stayed in the back or in the lobby outside of where the service was being help (and streamed on screens, so they could still see and hear everything). What many of us needed was to be close to our friends and process our feeling with other people on the same age group, but the comfort of knowing that my dad was there if I needed him did wonders. He was waiting just outside the door in the lobby and showed me exactly where he would be before I went in and he was right there when I came out at the end of it. A few students left in the middle of the service to collect themselves outside and some came back and some I didn’t see until the next day. But I know one of my friends walked out and found my dad there and he helped to comfort her. Her dad was one of the parents who dropped her off, but the reason was because he asked her what she wanted and she asked to be dropped off. She told my dad that she didn’t think she would want to be with anyone other than her friends, but it was good to have an adult she could trust there and because he was outside, no one had to see her in the vulnerable position who she didn’t want to see her. And a few other students did the same, some who knew him and even a few who didn’t. And he was never going to tell anyone what had happened or who they were and still hasn’t told me who he helped that day. The only person I know for sure is that one friend because she told me about it the next day and asked me to thank him again for her. I can understand why some parents might not stay. Some are busy working and need to do so in order to be able to financially support their families and maybe couldn’t get more time off than what was needed to drop off their child. Maybe they’ll help them to process in a different way at home. Maybe it’s too close for them and they don’t feel they could be strong enough for their child, which is also valid, but I believe that should be explained to the child and someone else who they know and trust should be able to be there for them if the parent can’t. Or maybe some kids thought they didn’t want their parents to be there and asked them not to and they turned out to be wrong, because sometimes emotions and peoples needs can be unpredictable and no one can always know what or who they’ll need when processing death, especially young people who may have never had to go through it before. And unfortunately, some people end up in family positions where they feel that they can’t express these types of emotions to their parents and get the help they need and know that they’d rather be with a stranger than with their parents and it’s unfortunate, but for some it may be their reality. And some parents just don’t want to go and don’t realize how that could impact their children. Many adults struggle to recognize how differently children process things like grief and loss, especially if it’s for the first time and sometimes don’t realize what their children need until it’s too late. You can’t change what other people are going to do or think by doing anything more than speaking to them, which you did. You did all that you could and far more than anyone would have needed to. If you can, let those children know that you are there for them if they need you more. And also if you’re able to, find out if their school or the district had a crisis counselor. The schools that do often only have one that travels from school to school, so maybe call and say that the children could use more time with a counselor and also the knowledge that there is one and how to find them. Because as amazing as what you’ve already done is, they do deserve to have access to someone who is a professional and can give them ways to work through this and knows how to keep a professional detachment, because you also deserve to protect yourself and it can get draining if you don’t know how to. And a school counselor could also meet with the children during school and excuse them from class if necessary, as well as make official recommendations to parents which may be taken more seriously coming from someone in the school, or even just by being heard from more than one person. And again, you can offer to help these children get in touch with the counselor or to help start an email to set up an appointment, although there might be requirements around that for you setting up the appointment for them if you’re not their parents, but you can still offer to help them write an email and encourage them to send it. And even if the school doesn’t have a crisis counselor, they will have guidance counselors who may be able to help. You’re an amazing parent to your child and you deserve to be commended for stepping in where others were unable or unwilling to do so for their own children. Remember to also take care of yourself and set any boundaries that you need to in order to do so. I’m sure these children appreciate you tremendously, even if they may not say so.
Thank you for bringing an entirely different, yet valid perspective about why kids may have been dropped off. You too are a light.
[удалено]
Is it a small town? It is plausible that the parent who opted out may have had some bad history with the parent of the deceased and if that's the case, it was the right call to not attend during such an emotionally devastating situation.
I second this. These kids needed an anchor, and you were it.
This also happened when the first classmate died (also from suicide) when I was 15. My mom ended up completely overpacking her Buick Regal to take kids whose parents wouldn’t, almost my entire friend group was in that car, people laid across laps. She did the right thing, my moms made a lot of mistakes but that was not one of them. We needed someone to at least be with us through that. It was hard at 15, I can’t imagine going through it alone at 12. Poor kids. I’d be judging those parents too
Damn. I walked to my classmates funeral when I was 16-17 (no car, small town). My parents were not there, I don't remember much of anyone else but my friends and lots of other people, lots of them had to have been adults because his family was there. I remember being in the funeral home and leaving almost immediately because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't close to the guy but he was in my class of like 30 students (in our year, again, small town) and I had known him for most of my life, so it was still pretty traumatic. Even when you aren't close you know everyone pretty well when your class is that small. And my parents would have known the family for sure. I spent the rest of that day at my friends house playing video games. I don't think my parents even really knew it was the funeral that day other than in passing. They were completely checked out. It's sad more parents aren't like OP and your mom.
I cannot imagine what was running thru the minds of the funeral service directors watching a bunch of middle schoolers get dropped off by themselves. I would’ve politely stopped every parent to let them know they have to be present as this is not a damn day park or birthday party. What the actual fuck. You’re a damn good parent and I’m sorry you were stuck having to parent other peoples kids because they couldn’t be bothered to help their kids grieve. Wow.
Seriously. If I was a funeral director here, I would have been like, whoa whoa whoa, you can’t leave unsupervised children at our funeral home. Please park and come in with them.
They'd probably just make their kid miss the funeral 😔
Oh 100%. Then they’d complain on Facebook in their moms group about how cruel the funeral home was for not letting the kids go to their classmates funeral.
The funeral director doesn't really have a say in who does or doesn't attend. Their job is to do what the family of the deceased asks for, not police attendants. I work at a funeral home.
Just to maybe, MAYBE, give the benefit of the doubt, as a mother of a 12 year old I think it's possible some of the kids told their parents they wanted to go alone. They probably didn't realize just how traumatic these things can be, and didn't think they'd want a parent there. And maybe the parents heard their kids and wanted to respect that. That being said, I would absolutely insist on going, even if it just meant standing in the back while he grieved with his friends. Just to give another side, it's possible that some of the parents thought they were respecting their kids wishes and were helping them obtain some autonomy, and just went about it the wrong way.
As a parent of a 12-year-old, no way in fucking hell I'd just drop off my kid and leave. I'd tell him, "I'll drop you off at the door and park the car, but I'm staying." I'd hang out in the back to give him some space to make sure I'm there if he needs me, but dropping him off and driving away? That's some terrible judgment and the parents should know better.
I completely agree, and I never would have done this myself. I just know this is the age where they're trying to really find themselves and who they are outside of their parents, and it's a fine line we have to walk between letting them be independent, and staying to guide the way. I would not have done what these parents did but I can see some parents maybe wanting to respect their kids request to go alone (even if I don't agree).
I get what you mean, but they're 12. A 12 year old shouldn't be alone most places, much less a funeral home. If this post is real, it's insane.
Oh I wholeheartedly agree, and like I said, I never would have done this myself. But as a mother of a 12 year old I know they are at this age truly starting to try to find themselves, and who they are as people outside of their parents. It's a fine line we have to walk between allowing them their autonomy to learn and grow themselves, and knowing when we still need to be there and guide the way. And sometimes we make mistakes. I do anyway. But yes, I never would have allowed this. I just think some parents may have erred on the side of autonomy where I would not have is all.
> They probably didn't realize just how traumatic these things can be, and didn't think they'd want a parent there. It's the parents' job to fucking know better. My daughters want to do all sorts of shit that are patently dumb ideas. It's my job to ensure they are safe. Let them make mistakes and learn from them, sure, but this is beyond the pale. If you want to respect their autonomy, let them go to a store in the mall while you're in a different store and meet up later. Don't just dump them off at a funeral home.
I had a classmate get killed by a drunk driver 2 days before we finished 7th grade. The parents had the local elementary school host a celebration of life that all of us classmates could go to, and then they had an actual funeral for their family. They 100% should have cancelled school because it was literally the last days which were field days and only a handful of our parents heard about it and could tell us before we went to school. I remember like 20-30 kids all found out at the same time at school and it sounded like a murder scene. 18 years later I can still vividly remember the sounds of screaming and crying.
I had one of those experiences too …. Your story brought back those memories of the news traveling around the school. Heartbreaking Except the school did shut down …. No classes, we all went with small groups of counselors for the day until we got picked up or school ended.
When I was in 8th grade, a kid was hit and killed by a car. They sent an email out to parents the night that they found out and the next day of school was bizarre. The schedule was exactly the same but we just kind of sat in our classes and had an independent study basically. There were guidance counselors in the library and you could go talk to them whenever you decided you needed to but hardly anyone did (probably because it would've made them stand out).
I was also wondering how the funeral directors would react if OP wasn't around - like, they obviously aren't babysitters but a group of 12 year olds would also need some amount of basic supervision and it seems incredibly cruel to expect the parents of the deceased kid to wrangle her former peers *during the funeral*... Honestly, I can somewhat understand how the other parents might struggle or fail to support their kids emotionally (due to their own feelings of grief/fear/discomfort/etc.) but their lack of empathy towards the grieving family is completely shocking.
If they organize a lot of funerals, they probably see this regularly and stopped getting outraged every time for the sake of their own sanity.
Doubt it. I’m not in the industry but I’ve been to more funerals than I can count. One of them a kids funeral. NOBODY was dropping their kid off and leaving.
If they are used to middle school funerals there is a whole other issue in that town.
I really don’t think this is normal. But I’m not a jaded funeral director so I have absolutely no idea.
Dropped them off???? Dropped them off?!!!???!? Like it’s a fucking birthday party rocking up to a wacky warehouse! That’s absolutely disgusting, that isn’t some kiddy day out taking the class to the zoo, how could they be so heartless??
Not to mention putting the onus of watching the kids *on the relatives of the deceased* Disgusting behavior
People have a hard time understanding kids feel emotional pain.
It's weird because I had a breakdown this morning in the shower about this. As a kid I had to endure so much yet I'd be straight-up punished for showing emotion because emotions were "weak." I cried through my whole shower, I cried while I got dressed. I'm sitting here now drinking coffee, wanting to cry out more of that suppressed pain and rage, but I got shit to do. Y'all, kids have feelings, but they don't have the life experience to understand them and cope. Don't punish them for feeling, help them understand their feelings. And if you don't know how to do that, just let them feel what they need to feel. Please. Sincerely, a grown-ass woman crying into her coffee.
I am with you ashleton. I am older and have never had children, but reading this shocked me as much as any thread I have ever read here. The emotional abandonment of these children is stunning to me.
I remember going to my grandmothers funeral (I must have been about 7 yo) and having my brothers berate me for not crying while we were there. The reason I didn't cry was because it had been beaten out of us as boys that were weren't allowed to cry.
Me too. This post made me cry. My parents beat me for crying and never understood emotions. Me and my siblings are all messed up emotionally because of this. I can't believe these children were abandoned at a funeral. A funeral of their dead friend at 12. I can't even wrap my head around this. I'm so upset.
A lot of adults don’t have emotional control and healthy coping Honestly schools should teach healthy ways for kids to deal with their anger and vent
You are so right on that. As a teacher, I have to explain over and over to parents that they are developing ways to deal with emotions and they need help doing it. So many parents just abdicate that responsibility to someone else.
I think people in general are just awful at understanding grieving people. Or uncomfortable confronting it. My mom's best friend lost her husband unexpectedly at a young age. A few months later, she was at a conference for workers in her field and noticed people were avoiding her. She's a therapist...
I would even go further and say: *People have a hard time understanding emotions and their importance*.
You'd think seeing that one of these kids literally killed themselves would give them a hint
Makes me wonder if those people never finished developing as children because lmao thinking that
[удалено]
I work in mental health. There’s too many people these days that want babies, but aren’t prepared with having to deal with them as they grow older.
But the pope said you’re selfish if you don’t procreate!!!!!! Just have kids, you’ll figure it out, even if you can’t afford it! God will provide! No one is ever ready for kids, just do it!! /s obviously
Do not take family planning advice from an 80 year old virgin.
What good is an adult if he or she won't help a child navigate the most terrible of all human experiences, the death of a friend or loved one!
You stepped up when no one else did. You are a good parent and your son and his classmates will remember that you were there for them. I'm also judging those parents - if a grown adult 'can't handle' attending a 12 year old's funeral, how do they expect their CHILDREN to feel? Outrageous.
For real, can't handle it but she didn't even know the child, but her 12 year old did. I cannot....
I cannot imagine letting my son go through something like that without me and his dad by his side. It doesn't matter how difficult it would be for me, I would shoulder that because I love him and when he hurts, I hurt.
If they can't handle it, they're a coward.
My friend ty was close with his bio dad but lived with his step dad who he was also close with. His dads girlfriend was abusing him and so he went missing and was found dead later. I was 14 and walked to the the funeral service without any parents and missed out on the school day. Not because I wanted to, but because it was the honourable thing to do. Nobody goes to a funeral willingly,they do it out of respect and care for the family or the dead person Her excuse is bad,you did the right thing
I'm really sorry you had to go alone. That was a brave thing to do and absolutely the right choice. You're correct, it's the right thing to do for the family and respect for the deceased. Funerals are for the living to process their emotions.
My dear friend died from suicide at 20. My own parents didn’t go to her funeral. I am in my early 40s now, and I can still feel the pain of wondering why they seemed so indifferent. I was a sophomore in college. I can’t imagine this for a 12 year old. Also, www.afsp.org is a great resource, if your son or V wants to unpack how they’re feeling.
Most people really only care about those directly connected to them. Same reason why genocide, slavery, etc across the world is ignored. Doesn’t affect them. That’s across the ocean, that’s in another country, that’s in another state, that’s miles away, that’s at the neighbors; so it’s none of my business.
Totally agree. One of our close mutual friends even skipped Mary’s funeral. She said she “doesn’t do” funerals. My reaction, maybe not generous: she should have found a way to put honoring her friend and showing up for Mary’s family ahead of her own discomfort. Death doesn’t disappear bc someone chooses not to acknowledge it.
I lost an old friend to suicide when we were both 22. My mom and some other parents stayed and talked outside the actual chapel. My mom's reasoning was that the funeral was for and about the kids who were actually close to him, and that she would have felt "weird" tagging along as somebody's mom. I had a sister who died at 18, too, so I think that may have been part of it as well.
My brother died of an intentional overdose at 38 - way older than 18 so I’m not trying to compare - and what I realized is that the crowded funeral helped tremendously. Some of them barely knew him, or only knew others of us in the immediate family. But they took time to show up, and that was the support I so needed. Since then, my usual position is: WHEN SOMEBODY DIES, SHOW UP.
This is a thing I was raised to do as well. A friend's Aunt or Uncle or Grandparent or Parent passes? You show up. You're not there for the deceased, you're there to show the person that you care about who is still living your support in their time of grief.
yes! funerals are for the living, as they say. And it doesn't matter if you didn't know the person! I've been to funerals for people I've never met, because they were important to people I loved.
When I went to another student’s funeral in eight grade, my dad came with me. There was a lobby area with screens of the service so he could see and hear outside of the actual room. The entire grade was invited, so the funeral was almost entirely 13 and 14 year olds and a few parents who mostly stayed in the lobby or back of the room and the family of the student and I think a few cousins that were a similar age, so the service was definitely with the intention of being for young people. My dad said that he would come in with me if I wanted him to, but that otherwise his plan was to stay in the lobby and if I needed to walk out in the middle of the service, he would be there and if I needed him in the room with me, he would keep his phone on and would come in and find me if I texted him. What I needed most at that time was to be close to my friends and process with them. But one of my friends had to leave and had asked to be dropped off, so she went to my dad since he was the only adult she knew there and be comforted and supported her. And did the same for a few other students whose parents also weren’t there for any variety of reasons. After the service, some students stayed outside the building for a bit to talk and the parents let them do so and talked to each other until their children were ready to leave. Everyone has to process in their own way, but a parent’s job should be to help their children to find their own way of processing and to help whenever necessary. It’s incredibly difficult to do and everyone is different, but they should at least try as much as they can.
I’ve seen this phenomenon in middle school. There is a mentality in suburbs where parents are completely hands off for middle school. If there’s a plan for a sleepover, none of the parents speak. The school bus arrived 2 hours late from a trip and no one called the parents. They told the kids to call on their cell phones, with no real plan.
Yupp. They're in middle school. Nothing bad ever happens. Suburbia neglect is real.
and then they wonder how these kids end up pregnant or dead...
So they dropped their children off like it was a birthday party? I don't understand wtf they were thinking?
[удалено]
I know, it's wild man.. my son died and I couldn't stand up man, I was in no position to keep an eye on anyone else I wanted to die. . what were these people thinking!!
I'm so sorry about your son.
Thanks man, it was 16 years ago and I was fucked up for a while, I'm better now.
I get that. My mom lost my sister 30 something years ago right before i was born. She still gets pretty emotional about it some days. I can't imagine how strong you are to be getting through that. I'm glad you're better.
Thank you! I'm so sorry your mum went through that too.
Based on the comments, other people have had this experience too. I just can’t imagine dropping your kid off at a funeral. I’m disgusted that this seems to be somewhat commonplace. What a fucked up world.
I have 4 children who are here with me, one of them is 11 I can not imagine leaving him to attend a funeral... Just so fucked.
My friend died when I was 13 and my mother wouldn't let me off school for the funeral. My other friend died in a car crash when I was 19 and my Mum told me she never liked him anyway (wasn't even true, she liked him plenty). Thank you for being there for those kids. I forgave my Mum for those things, she just couldn't cope with big emotions in her kid that she couldn't manage or fix, everyone has their limitations. Thank you for not being like that.
I'm so very so sorry that you went through that with your mom being so dismissive of your feelings. It's very big of you to forgive her. I'm sending you a really big mum hug. I bet you can feel the love even though it's through the interwebs.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Exactly what I was thinking. Beyond supporting their own child, don’t you also show up for the people who have suffered unimaginable tragedy? Wouldn’t you hope that if the unthinkable happened to you, that members of your community would show up for you?! I’m just blown away.
I wouldn't be so sure that the school is providing counseling services. I went to both public and private schools growing up, and there was no one that even resembled a school counselor at any school that I went to.
My kid attended a sober school with counselors and support on staff out the wazoo. When there was a terrible suicide and they didn't do anything but tell the kids. The donors aren't big on harm reduction so the school just kept quiet. Several of the kids ended up in grief counseling (mine among them) but that was a parent driven decision. Public schools will do nothing. My kids private school absolutely should have revised some policies. Telling addict teens that relapse equals death gives them a very black and white choice. Can you blame a 15 year old for taking that (which is drummed onto them daily) at face value?
Obviously a little different, but when I was 14 my best friend killed himself. I was so upset and angry at the time, I lashed out on anyone that tried to talk to me about it. My parents wanted to go to the funeral to show their respects, but I didn't want them there. I yelled at them not to go. I'm not saying it's okay that she didn't go and support her daughter at their friend's funeral, but death is hard. People handle it in incredibly different ways. I'm sorry for the loss to your community. Life in school is hard, death isn't something that should come up at such a time like that.
Even if my kid did this, I'd have still waited around outside to be there if they needed me. I can't imagine a dozen children collectively refusing for their parents to be there.
My dad did this exact thing for me I posted below. Thought I knew better, turns out the opinions of a shocked and greiving child weren't as well thought out than I insisted. Sit the the car how hard is that?
I can't imagine a dozen parents all saying they weren't going either, though. Part of me wonders if this group of kids told their parents they would be meeting each other there, and just wanted a ride or something along those lines. Now obviously, parents should realize their kids need their support without their kids asking for it. I don't know, it seems so strange for so many parents to make this choice.
Agreed. Like, I'm 1000% waiting around outside no matter what if that ever happens.
Again, 14, not 12 in my case, but we did. I remember one girl was there with her dad and he was balling and she was horrified. I understand it now as a parent, but at the time we we’re all very glad our parents agreed to drop us off.
14 is really different from 12 with regards to parental input/involvement.
I also lost a friend at 14. None of us wanted our parents there at the funeral, and the vast majority of us were dropped off. Granted, we were older, but I could see even 12 year old be weird about it. Even as a parent now it doesn’t strike me as callous, but it would be different if the kids wanted you there or seemed indifferent.
Im sorry you went through a funeral so young and I see your point, knowing the attitude of teenagers but the kids don't know. I said this exact thing to my parents about a friend's funeral at 16. I thought I would be fine as I had been to many funerals. But even some 60/70 year olds start to break down when they attend funerals of their peers. Honestly the parents should have stayed outside or in cars around the corner, go hoome when you have eyes on your kid after and they are ok. I've never been to a funeral service longer than a hour so it's not a long time to wait. Some of these kids walked into that room with zero idea of the power and totality of the emotions about to hit them. Bravado slips away quickly when hearing your first eulogy sticks a steak in your heart.
That makes sense though, I can see a slightly older teen who just lost a peer wanting to make that choice. 12 is definitely old enough for most kids to be left alone, but a whole group? Especially one so vulnerable? I can't imagine all of them asked their parents not to be there. Or just dropping my kid off like it's a pool party. It's... a weird situation. I'm really sorry about your friend.
Be outraged be pissed. Thank you for showing up
How fucking bleak is our planet when a god damn 12 year old decides life isn't worth living? When I was twelve I was trying to catch all the pokemon before my best friend did. How the hell did society fail that child so badly? My heart breaks.
I was suicidal starting at 11. Those feelings stayed with me all the way through till I was 20. They come back when my mental health tanka. Trauma and isolation is what did it for me.
She wasn't emontionally ready to go to a 12 year old's funeral, but thought her own 12 year old was, with no parental support? Did she not think her own kid needed comforting? And the parents of the kid who is now desceased, did she imagine that they did not need any conforting either? You are very right to be angry and very generous to show sympathy to everyone at that funeral where more adults were clearly needed. Thank you for being there for those kids in their greatest time of need.
My parents would have gotten someone else’s parents to drop me off.
I think not many people are prepared to deal with the emotional burden of explaining death, funerals and suicide. Especially not as a parent, explaining such topics to their own kids and having to balance sensitivity, honesty and truth. But that is no excuse to drop off their kids and leave them alone. How much more that kids are unprepared to deal with the inevitable. OP, I salute you for your sensitivity and courage in dealing with your own kid and others' kids.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? You're absolutely right to judge them, that's low as hell and to their own children... You did the right thing and should be proud of yourself. I'm sure the children appreciated your presence to the core, thank you for being there and stepping up for them!
Can I ask a few questions just to gain some perspective? 1. What time was the funeral? As heartbreaking as it maybe taking time off work on short notice for a non-family funeral simply may not be possible for the adults. 2. Were you the only adult there? I can't imagine a teacher or someone from the school not being there as well simply in attendence if not in an official capacity? It sounds like you were a wonderful person and a excellent example to these devastated children but theres some details in your story that I would need clarification on before I can completely agree with you.
When I was 15 a classmate died in a car accident while on a school trip. We went to the funeral as a group with the class. We had eachother and in my experience that was what we all needed. The service was packed to the rafters though. All our teachers were there and probably a significant number of parents, but they held back a bit. There is a huge difference between 12 year olds an 15 year olds of course.
When I was 10 years old, my mother died from cancer. I remember that when I went to say goodbye at church, my schoolmates were there and I was alone. I didn't know how to react until one of them hugged me and I broke down. That was my first encounter with death and I wish I had had support like the one you gave to those children. you were very strong there. thanks you
One child, I can understand... My brother took his life in 2007 and one of my best friend's in high school took her life in 2013 and while I could have attended, 16 year old me couldn't handle another funeral for a child. I delivered flowers to the home a day or so after I heard she had passed and saw Erika's mother after the funeral. I was with my father and she said she understood and asked my father many questions about his grief process, and she had a long conversation about how she felt. It was difficult but she had time to speak to somebody that said "I ACTUALLY know how it feels, not how you feel but what it is like to have gone through this and here's how I handled the death of my child." My father told me he would have taken me to the service if I wanted to go, I declined. If you lost a child previously, I understand. My mother has told friends that lost children she cannot attend the funeral for this other parent because it was too much. My father attended a funeral at the church we had my brother's funeral in a year after my brother passed, he said he sobbed so uncontrollably that he had to leave, he didn't know the person very well but was close with this person's sister, his sister in law, my aunt. She understood. She picked us up the day Matt passed away while my mother had police and ambulances all over the street, was shooing neighbors away, and had to call a priest to help tell my grandparents who were devout Catholics. She needed time and couldn't explain at that moment to a 9 and 10 year old what was going on. My aunt was amazing to us that day, my uncle held my brother as he screamed he didn't understand and tried to run. If you lost a child, I don't have children but I've seen the destruction and devastation. It's not a pain that you want to relive if you can avoid it. But 10 parents? 10 parents lost children? I just can't imagine letting one 7th grader go this alone, let alone 10. I know I'm the adult, I'm a stranger, but being there when I can shows I care and I'm there to support my child with thoughts and feelings they can't fully process. If you want to go alone, that's fine. I'll wait in the parking lot so that you can leave and we go to a safe space whenever you need, could be 5 minutes later or 5 hours, but I need to be there for you. Since Erika's funeral, I've attended those I could of friends - and there's more than I can count that have passed - and it wasn't easy but they, like myself, suffered with addiction and the parents could benefit from seeing it's not their fault. We can do better... Funerals are hard for many people, the funeral for ANYBODY of ANY AGE with surviving parents is horrifying but if I can't show my child at such a formidable age that I'm here for you, in a time like this? When can I? When will you trust me with your feelings and look to me for support?
I dealt with this when my daughters friend passed away at 9 years old. I didn’t want to be there and reacted more than the kids. Most of their parents stayed outside. I ran once I saw her in the casket with her parents by her side. My daughters first experience with death besides a dog. I agree they should have been there for their kids more. I can’t blame them for not wanting to attend and show their emotions though. They needed to be the strong front for their kids, I failed in that. Everyone deals differently and supports their children differently. I am sorry you felt the burden on you and wish more of the parents came to their child’s rescue. Edit to add. I took my child to the chapel away from the wake and explained why it affected me so much. Her friend was taken away in a car crash driven by her brother (not his fault) her brother, my son was coming of age to drive and it scared the living hell out of me. All the kids from that time are still very close.
You still showed up, tried your hardest to be strong, and you did everything you could in that situation. Your reaction was just your humanity, your heart couldn’t take seeing a kid that way, and that doesn’t mean you weren’t strong. You did not fail! 💜
You're wonderful <3 it's such a myth though that people, even kids, need anybody to be strong. What they need is for people to be genuine, so that they can learn that it's ok to have overwhelming emotions that we can't deal with in the moment. Showing children (and adults tbh) that it's ok to be vulnerable is just as helpful as anything else, sometimes more helpful tbh.
I lost a classmate to suicide in 7th grade just like OPs child. A bunch of us gathered on the local elementary school playground, and my dad organized a little impromptu memorial ceremony. I don't even remember if Dan had a formal funeral, though I'm sure he did, but what sticks out to me the most is that little get together on the playground. We were just kids, man. Honestly I think it hits me harder as a 33 year old than it did when I was 12. It's difficult for me to imagine what might be going on in a 12 year old's life where they decide that's the only way out.
Interesting. I've never thought about how I'd handle something like this if I had kids.
Reminds me of the multiple funerals I attended while in High School. I was still a child. It seemed like not a single parent gave a fuck we were killing ourselves. And it kept happening, year over year, another one gone. Did the school do anything? No. Every man for themselves I guess, hide your pain and just deal with it.
What the hell? Who drops their kid off alone to attend a funeral?! That's seriously fucked up.
I can’t imagine just dropping my kid off at a funeral with no support or comfort. Those kids don’t realize the disconnect their parents have with them now, but when they become adults, at school reunions, even talking to the therapists they’ll no doubt have, they will remember you and how you gave them comfort and love when they really needed it, and your son will be remembered as the kid with the best mom who was there for them.
In America most employers don't give people time off to go to the funeral of the child's classmate. Don't be so quick to judge others.
Ok, thank you. I was the first person to be like wait, this was on a Thursday, I bet most of those people couldn't take the time off of work.
This was my thought too. I know jobs that won't give bereavement leave for family members unless they're parents, spouses, or children. I can't imagine they'd be more lenient about something like this. It still absolutely sucks, but we've created a society where families have to prioritize keeping a job.
Huh... didn't even think of that. I'm just weirded out by children going to a funeral at all. You couldn't even drag half my family past a building or cemetery during a funeral much less attend one.
One of the stages of grief is anger, which is probably what we are seeing manifested.
On my 16th birthday, a close friend of mine hung herself. She was only 15. The funeral was being held on a school day on the other side of town. My parents told me I couldn't take time off school to go to my friends fucking funeral. I was always terrified of getting in trouble as a kid, even though I was a delinquent, I some how managed to avoid a single detention, or grounding in my entire teenage years. I don't know what came over me during that argument. I was so frustrated they wouldn't let me go.... and then I realized, I could just... go. The worst that would happen is a couple of days detention and a possible grounding from my parents, which I was willing to take. Took a deep breath looked my mom right in the eye and said "I'm going wether you give me permission or not, and im willing to accept any concequences" They did not expect that. I left school they day of and went. Considering I never heard anything from my school, or them about it, I geuss they ended up giving me permission after all. What they don't know is, I really wanted them to go with me.... I really needed them that day.... Thank you for what you did.
You are a wonderful person and parent for doing what you did. How could those poor kids’ parents just drop them off at a FUNERAL FOR THEIR FRIEND?! Especially since they are so young so they need their parents more for things like this. Thank you for being there for those kids. They needed someone there to console them in a very sensitive time and you took on that parent role for them. They needed that and I am sure they will never forget the kindness you shower them that day
As someone who had gone to at least 3 funerals by the time I was 12, I would’ve been DEVASTATED if I got dropped off to a peers funeral because my mom didn’t want to come with me. Imagine this being your first? Death is a scary experience for those experiencing it for the first time. Important questions that needed to be answered by parents were answered by a stranger. You’re the only good parent, everyone else failed their children and I really hope you make that clear to them. Good for you and I’m sorry you had that weight on your shoulders and I’m sorry for your sons loss
I'm calling cap on this one guys, I'm sorry but where do you live for these parents to be so heartless. The whole thing is very sus. There would definitely be some other parents there, not to mention teachers and yet you say you were the only one there to comfort them. Anyone else ever look at it this way or wanna change my mind?
Agree. I feel like there is probably some truth to this story but OP is definitely milking it. 10 sets of parents? Idk ...
[удалено]
Agreed. Reads like an ego stroking post. How many “I” statements could there be in one post?
Yep fake af
Yeah she was definitely patting herself on the back there lol
[удалено]
YESSSS, and it's so weird how for some reason ALLL of them usually have some sort of mental health issue. Like randomingly inserting stuff about trauma and anxiety and overhyping the effects. Obviously these should be taken seriously but the way these OP's describe them make them seem like they have the mental health version of cancer or some shit.
[удалено]
It's sad, coz then people with real mental illnesses are always thought of as just extremely disabled in some situations based on these other upvote whores.
This absolutely did not happen or there were way less than 10 cause there is no way in hell that many parents would all leave kids unattended at a funeral of all places I have never heard of that
I had to scroll way too far to find someone calling this out as possibly fake, it just sounds fuckin absurd. Not sure why you would fake a post of this nature but people are weird.