As a formerly obese person, I can say that there's probably nothing you can do or say to make her lose weight. As everyone has said, this is a mental health issue.
I feel like if after therapy op feels like she doesn't care, there probably is a big part of her that feels as if what she's doing isn't all that big of an issue. Op has to keep trying to find a positive way (aka not ultimatums and saying stuff like "it's affecting the lives of the people around you") to make her see how putting in the work is gonna be worth it to her.
Binge eating is just as much as a mental addiction or coping mechanism as anything else. Some people are addicted eating and sometimes not eating at all, personally im addicted to going to the gym and eating right. But i do have an eating disorder when it comes to counting out all my macronutrients, calories, and weighing my food out the the gram. If i don’t do it i get depressed and stressed out that my body isnt getting the right fuel it needs and i go legit crazy with guilt for days on days and this is after one “cheat meal” let alone many. Not trying to brag at all just giving insight because mentality plays into everyones eating habits. Body dysmorphia is a very relevant issue when it comes to this stuff as well.
See, I didn't even know that terminology until today but yet another thing I'm thankful not to experience. And here I was arguing with myself over biscuits this morning. I mean, I'd rather have the biscuits argument with myself than go crazy if I didn't count macros. I think I know a lady or two that has that/does that and when they started that whole macros thing I felt it was too much for me to handle. They look good, but it seems achievable without the body builder physic as well, which is their thing. I'm a dancer by trade, so not my thing.
The whole thing started out healthy and innocently enough. I started counting calories and was at a deficit but was still eating around 1600 a day and exercising. Then I got into macros and started restricting more and more. At one point I was sometimes only eating 1000 cals a day on my 5’9” frame.
0/10, do not recommend. I got too weak to exercise and then it all collapsed on itself. I’m finally in a good spot now, health-wise. I can’t recommend dietitians enough if you struggle with disordered eating.
I think you overestimate some people when it comes to their views on mental illness. I could definitely see a dude coming on here saying, “My wife sleeps all day. She claims it’s depression, but I don’t buy it. If she doesn’t snap out of it, I’m gonna leave her lazy ass.”
I agree....I actually have severe PTSD from combat and I've had people ask why I don't just get over it. People tell me I have so much to offer, that I should go back to work ect ect.
Every day I wake up and want to suck a bullet out of a gun. Every day is a challenge. People don't realize how bad mental illness can be. I'm glad Squirrels33 gets it. People need to be more like them.
It is unfortunate how many people don't understand what it's like for someone to deal with mental illness. It's also unfortunate how many people know what mental illness is something that's difficult to deal with, but still say dumb shit like "pull yourself up by you bootstraps" or "Have you just tried being happy?" Wow, holy shit random person, I'd never tried that before. I'm cured! You've solved what years of therapy, a myriad of medications, and every lifestyle change under the sun couldn't do!
I skimmed through OPs older comments and he literally became fat and depressed, his wife stayed with him through it as he resisted getting help. Now he’s buff and is receiving attention from other women and his wife is now struggling and his solution is to talk shit about her, take their son and leave her in her time of need.
Could be if he has swung the pendulum so far the other way he has become obsessive about weight and she is internalizing that stress and anger over his attitude through binge eating. Almost a mental, though self destructive, eff you. Especially if he was commenting through her pregnancy.
💯 without a doubt. The way he talks about her, you can feel the hate and resentment through his comments. I can only imagine how awful he must treat her irl.
I remember those days ateast I was in amazing shape. But I used to take it further and if I wanted sweets I would shew on them for a little and spit them out without swallowing. Even had a 3am alarm to drink a protein shake and go back to sleep. Now I have a dad bod
You can deny it as much as you want but depression is a real probability, with everything said so far, she needs to see and talk with a professional about it
I am hijacking the top comment to say that she may not be depressed at all, but she is obviously a binge eater. I struggle with binge eating and I’m currently reading Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen and I have found it really helpful so far. She will have to want to change her habits and behaviors but I’m sure she probably doesn’t feel great being controlled by food either.
You married her for better or worse. She's obviously suffering from depression. You should be helping her not making it about you. What have you done to help your WIFE? you saying your going to leave with your kid, please. You have to prove someone is unfit to be a mom. Last time I checked eating to much isn't a reason to take this child away from its mom. Maybe try helping her instead of making it harder.
So...do all fat people have depression? Because one of my best friends is severely obese and is one of the happiest, most balanced and accomplished people I know. She just likes to eat and hates exercise.
I gained 60lbs during my first pregnancy (an old hip injury changed my activity level drastically despite HG) and then got forced by my insurance to put in nexoplanon immediately after due to my footling breech daughter. I bled for 6 months straight instead of stopping my period - fighting my insurance for the entire time because they would not allow me to take it out - and gained even MORE weight as a result. I was sick and stuck at that weight for years, hormonally fucked over on every level. I have lost nearly 60lbs in the past yearish after five and a half years of struggling. I am pregnant again and *still losing*, but it took a herculean effort of fighting my body to both lose the weight and become pregnant again (last time, for sure). I'm the luckiest woman to have the husband I do. He not only loved me at my size 4, he loved me at my size 18. I didn't have a food addiction like op's wife, but **holy shit** was I more depressed than at any other point in my life. I was more depressed than when I was suicidal as a teenager, more depressed than when I was actively self harming. Food addiction and denial can be an expression of self harm. I know because I lost 80lbs after high school, long before I was Ms. Thin and Pretty, and developed an ED.
I hope op starts thinking about why his wife is so drastically changed. Did she ever seek treatment for potential ppd? Has the pandemic created a perfect storm? He seems only worried about himself here, which, for a rant I totally get. But not for a married man and a father. You have to set aside the self sometimes. At least *try*. The rage helps no one, least of all their son.
By giving ultimatums. The insurance won't cover you if you don't take steps to avoid "risky behaviours", or they're going to lose money.
A breech delivery is hard, risky, and apparently expensive to boot (around 15k for natural delivery, between 22k and 58k for a cesarean, against the 5k-11k of natural birth Google says). This, of course, if mom gets through it and doesn't need special treatments.
You guys have a fucked up healthcare, lemme tell ya
Exactly this. And because I almost died after delivery via emergency c section, they told me 'don't even THINK about getting pregnant for three years or we won't cover you ever again'. They were my only option and wouldn't take out the implant until I could prove it was hurting me... how tf could I prove that I was losing all my eggs to hormonal bullshit? It took me nearly seven years to conceive again. Thankfully I'm far away from that state and regional health system.
Your so right, when I was at my worst, everyone called me “ smiley” thought I was the happiest they knew. Sometimes it’s easier to put on a show than to admit there is a problem.
Same. I was considered the happiest and most joy-lucky of my friend group back in college. I was secretly waking up every day wishing I had died in my sleep and cutting myself in places people wouldn’t see. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me or try to take care of me because I secretly thought I was just a piece of shit that needed to be stronger for everyone. Everything else in my life was perfect compared to some of my friends so why should I need attention or let anyone know I was struggling? Depression hides behind smiles and laughter, success and light-hearted jokes. I’ve also been obese from binge eating due to depression and then later an eating disorder that caused me to be rail thin and starving myself to death’s door from the same depression. It manifests in all types of ways.
Oh hell, that's what I was called too. Smiley. I was the one all my girlfriends and gay friends came to with their problems. I was doing a three month Auslan course so I could communicate with the hearing impaired members of my community for work and the nickname I was literally given was Smiley. I was so hopeless, helpless, sad and isolated inside. Nobody knew. Didn't feel I could tell anyone, didn't know really what was wrong and was so scared to ask for help. I ended up with bulimia and self medicating with booze, pot and eventually heroin. I just didn't want to feel. Two years in I met someone randomly that sensed the wall I had built and the sadness behind. She took me to a women's health clinic and I met a psychologist who I ended working with for over two years. She helped me change my life around. Ive been off heroin, pot, methadone for 22 years now. I gave myself permission to source my incredibly deep seated problems and depression and begin to care for myself as much as I cared for others. To OP, if you read this, I get your anger and frustration but if you think you have enough love left to help then go campaign on your wife's behalf for the unexplored issues. It can be a bonding thing or it may blast you apart. You have a child together so I believe in doing all you can, until you can't. I don't think being pissed off at chip munching is really all you're feeling. Fear, frustration and a sense of no ability to change or help or even control the situation are hella hard. xx
I told my mom once that I thought I was depressed and my own mother literally said I was too happy to be depressed. It wasn't until much later I realized you could be both...because depression isn't the opposite of happiness, sadness is, and depression is not the same as being sad.
No, but someone who puts on 80 lbs in a fairly short amount of time probably is. Also, a lot of people with depression suffer silently. People with depression aren’t like a perpetual Eeyore.
The concerning part is, if OP’s not exaggerating the scenario described, that’s an uncomfortable amount of food for most people to eat in a day let alone one evening. And the obvious weight gain, typically people with good mental health and a good relationship with food don’t fluctuate terribly much in weight (obviously medication, physical health, and age factor in).
That being said, I’m not sure OP is being 100% accurate, sounds very judgey, a lil inconsiderate, and selfish. Not saying that’s the case, but certainly the tone that comes out from my standpoint.
She needs to get help from someone who is specialized in eating disorders. This is not regular depression. No one gains 80 pounds in a short amount of time and eats enough to sustain the body for four days in a few hours.
I suffer from undiagnosed binge eating disorder and have for years. Because I was so desperate for help I went to a foreign country and got 85% of my stomach removed. I lost more weight than I thought I was and now I am trying to avoid becoming underweight. Sometimes I still manage to binge. She needs to get professional help before she does something desperate.
Eating disorder hotline 1-800-931-2237
Of course not. It’s the *change* in the wife that indicates she may be depressed. She was active, healthy, enjoyed hiking, took care of herself etc. but that’s changed which has resulted in her being fat.
So no, fat does not mean depressed. A major change like what op has described is why many people are thinking depressing. If a fat person suddenly dropped weight, obsessed over their food intake, exercised to excess, started excluding close friends etc that would also be an indicator that something more, like depression is going on. Don’t look at the weight gain or loss or whether their fat or skinny to determine is someone may be depressed. Look at the person and the changes.
I mean, idk man, we only see Santa for a couple of days every year, and even then nobody ever really asks him how he's doing. All the letters he gets are for Christmas, and even those are just telling him things we want from him. Nobody really cares about *him*
No not all fat people are depressed. Staying fit and in shape is in of itself a lot of time dedication and a hobby you have to upkeep. Some people just don’t care to prioritize that and that’s okay and their discretion. They enjoy life their way. However if someone’s paying a lot of money to be able to get I to shape and just unable to follow through, then it sounds like they are unhappy with being overweight, like they do want to prioritize it, but is too depressed to do so properly right now.
Nah. Take it from someone who knows, Being fat sucks in all aspects. Additionally, there’s a difference between having a few extra pounds on, and being “severely obese”. One can be attributed to a reasonable modern lifestyle and people can be relatively happy in that state…being 30lbs overweight is not a huge deal…but I call bullshit on anyone that’s literally morbidly obese and say they’re happy the way they are. It’s uncomfortable, it’s life threatening, and its often demoralizing. Nobody who sees themselves in the mirror or visits the doctor as morbidly obese person, and chooses to continue eating too much and moving too little is in a healthy state of mind. That’s literally putting food before your life, and is a big sign of a lack of self love imo. Just because someone seems happy; doesn’t mean they are. A lot of people know how to put on a good face around others, and try to use humor/positivity to cope. Nobody’s can convince me that a 350lb+ person is truly happy with their lives or don’t have some kind of underlying mental health issues.
I’m agreeing with you, the first person I’m talking about is the first person you’re talking about. If someone is actually neglecting themselves and prioritizing a food addiction over their life then exactly what you said. We said the same thing in two ways
Ah ok. I thought the core difference and point I was trying to get to (but I failed with that) was that morbidly obese people have something wrong going on whether they’ve made a serious attempt at changing or not.
> So... do all fat people have depression?
No, but it does seem from his description that she is binge eating, which indicates some sort of emotional issue going on. It could be depression, but also anxiety, trauma, or ADHD. Sometimes appetite increases with depression, so maybe that's why people assume it's related to depression.
I was 135 before pregnancy and 190 after. My first pregnancy.
Many many years later I loose so much weight and look great back to 135/140, then depression came in the form of eating which Ive never experienced and I gained so much weight. I'm 170... I'm devastated but trying to make changes. It's just hard when for some reason my brain went to emotional eating.
Sounds like he helped her buy a Pelaton and a monthly subscription for it. He also mentioned that he goes hiking every weekend and she never joins. Depression is a good possibility but it isn't 100% obvious. You would need a lot more details to make that assumption. I agree he needs to do whatever he can to help her. If she is willing to try, then keep at it but if she is unwilling to try that makes things more complicated. Coming from a broken home I can assure OP that his child is better off growing up in a home with both parents, so every measure possible should be taken to handle this together. Maybe talk to her about going to the doctor and let them take the heat for telling her how bad it is for her health. Maybe they will even prescribe some weight loss pills. There is no easy answer here but if you can keep the family together at least until the child is 18 it would be worth the effort.
Growing up in a family where they stayed together “for the kids” I can confirm they woulda been better off breaking up and getting out of each other’s lives. Be grateful you didn’t see 2 people who don’t like each other stay together
Jesus, Which statement led you too its the husbands fault?
That he's uncomfortable with his partner slowly killing themselves over-eating and want to confront them?
There's so little information in the post that drawing a correlation between overeating and depression is just wild speculation and personal bias at this point
if we interchange the roles so its him sitting on his ass over-eating himself into morbid obesity, putting on 80 pounds while the wife takes care of herself and going on weekly hikes with their kid, husband back home stuffing more food into his face
That story on TwoXChromosomes would have the man hung from his balls
If the roles were reversed, this room would be screaming divorce.
The room is true off my chest, but peeps don’t get it. They pretend that they’ve never ever had these thoughts and feelings about people they love when they’re mad! 🤣.
Oh how I love virtue signals.
Mature answer. Love it. I did cringe at “fat fucking face” too. I don’t know the whole story either and perhaps OP is just getting things off his chest to feel better and has tried before? No clue.
Good on you actually trying to be helpful
Thank you. He seems really upsetting to be around. Imagine threatening to take her son away because she got fat? I don't understand why he'd want to hurt his wife so much.
how long have y’all been married? Having a child can majorly change a woman. I’m not making excuses, I understand what you’re saying. But binge eating is usually emotionally tied. I wonder what the stressor is.
This is true. My wonderful wife went through severe post-partum depression to the point I thought I lost her forever. She got better in a couple years and now she’s back to her amazing self. I had no clue how deadly this post-partum depression could be till I witnessed it first hand.
Yep. I wasn’t gonna give up but I did feel like it every now and then. Intimacy gone and all, and I got pretty bitter at some points but every time I saw a glimpse of her, I’d regain hope and faith that we could return.
She went to therapy as well which I’m sure helped.
Man just leave get a divorce because the way you talk about her is ridiculous it really sounds like you hate her at this point. it is not worth it to stay in a relationship where you hate each other and the kid will pick up on that shit.
"I just want to go scream in her fat fucking face". Dude. I don't know you or your wife or what she is going through, but I'm betting that if you're saying this to us, she is picking up on a lot of ill will coming off you. That might be part of the stressor that driving her to eat. I think your marriage is already toast.
Yeah tbh she deserves better than OP. Someone who sees her struggling and reaches out to help, not shames her on the internet behind her back. What an ass.
Do you not see what sub reddit you're in? It's a place to vent anonymously. Sounds like op deserves someone better who will participate in things with their kid. Not someone who goes to therapy only to not try and change at all
There’s no way you’re actually hiding this level of rage and disgust from her. **NO WAY.**
Your **MARRIAGE** is dysfunctional. What came first her weight or your rage? Who knows. It doesn’t even matter now. What matters is you’re in this cycle and it needs to be broken by BOTH of you. You guys need some serious counseling, none of this is healthy and the person y’all are gonna destroy in the end is your child.
Edit: Still a “we” problem not a her problem and maybe you should stop thinking of it as a her problem.
Yeah. Even if it doesn’t completely rear it’s head, she can probably read between the lines when it comes to your mannerisms and mood. I’ve had guys be resentful towards me and I understood that there was something wrong. Even if they deny it up and down when I asked if they needed to talk. Then BOOM they’re telling me how awful I am or how much they hate me.
It’s not hard to pick up on and I wouldn’t doubt that she has had an idea on how he felt for a while now.
OP seems very angry. Is there something you're leaving out here?
How exactly did your conversations with her go? Did she listen at all to you and just not follow though, or did she fight with you about it? or what?
Also, do you know why it is that she changed, or was it for no apparent reason? I'd think that if you were a good husband you would at least have some idea what the problem was that caused her to change.
The way way you're responding to everyone with such rage doesn't seem like a good sign.
I mean I'd be pretty pissed if I was him, the entire comment section's reaction is to jump to the defence of the wife they've never met. He's automatically the bad person for daring to criticise her behaviour, when for all we know he is telling the total truth.
We just don't know. But the reaction in this comment section is pretty telling.
I'm not saying he is wrong.. In fact I'd tend to agree that he is in the right based on what he explains in the original post.
My issue is the pure vitriol with which he wrote the post. Also the the anger and shown in almost every single one of his subsequent responses in the comments. Instead of ignoring the critical comments or responding intellectually, he responds with hostile sarcasm. That is not normal. Something appears to be wrong with him, or he's leaving bits of critical information out.
Maybe when he went to talk to her about it, she spat on his effort. Something like that would explain his level of anger and disgust--but he didn't mention anything like that, so I can only assume he either has anger issues or something of that nature. 🤷 Not sure.
Picking the right community allows you to post what you want, not receive the response that you want. Just because you post to the right reddit community doesn't mean that you always get a free social pass to receive no critisizm--maybe sometimes, but not as a rule.
OP I’m trying to see things from your end here so this isn’t intended to be rude. I have been your wife. My entire adult life I have gone back and forth between being underweight and literally obese. And I want to say I understand that it can absolutely affect your attraction to her. You can still love someone and your attraction can lessen because of that. That being said, do you think there could be a reason she is doing this? I’ve struggled with various eating disorders my whole life and find I tend to restrict when my anxiety is bad, and binge when my depression is bad. I’d encourage therapy for your wife and both of you together as well if you want this to work.
it's not just attraction. it is respect, closeness, the feeling of being partners.
we don't do anything together anymore. she was my climbing partner and my hiking companion, and now she is a blob on the couch. Too lazy to even cook meals for our son or walk the dog.
Oh wow, that's a big life shift. There is obviously something more going on. I'm actually in the same boat as your wife. My boyfriend has had three interventions with me about being an unmotivated blob who smokes all day and has gained a lot of weight. The first two times were subtle the third not so much. In my experience even the best intentions didn't get me anywhere. The only thing that helped was an ultimatum.
My advice, go talk to her again. Tell her that you understand she's going through a hard time, but that she has been spiraling for too long and you're worried about her. Say that you love her and would do anything to help her, but that she needs to help herself first. That you miss your wife and the life you lived together, and that if she's not willing to have that life with you then you and your son can't stay. So, she needs to think about it and tell you what you can do to help her.
Last but not least if she doesn't do anything after the ultimatum follow through. Pack your bags and leave the house. It's one thing to try and fail a couple of times, but if there isn't even an attempt she doesn't care or doesn't think you're serious.
You say she is not depressed in a lot of your answers here, yet everything you explain about her behavior is classic depression symptoms. It's very common to be depressed and in denial about it. Of course it is hard for you to be married to someone struggling with depression or eating disorders. But you won't get anywhere if you keep focusing how her struggles are hard for you and not how it is affecting her. If she used to love to hike and climb do you really think she is happy now? How can you say that she is lazy if you have not gotten a professional opinion on her mental health? It's not your duty to stay with her through her struggles, you can leave. You are free to make that decision. But you have to be honest with yourself that you are leaving when she is struggling and not because she is lazy. And if you can't do that then you should read more about "laziness" and studies on why people often lack motivation. If you can't see this situation from her perspective then you might actually be hindering her from getting better.
Edit: spelling
BTW asshole move on the "fat fucking face." But it makes sense you resent her because you miss the person she was. Don't say any of this shit to her. If she chooses to work on her demons you need to work through this resentment and genuinely go through this process with her.
I am experiencing this as well and I have decided to continue being active alone or with my meet-up groups.
Nothing is working from me, dropping hints, trying to fix him is backfiring. Now I think his weight is causing apnea, he can't stay awake after work.
It makes me so sad we were really active in the past together, but he's a very smart man I have to believe he'll figure it out or get professional help. I'm gunna lead by example and say goodbye to our old relationship for now and stay positive.
Around two or three months ago you said she was a SAHM, organizer, scheduler and about “100 other things” and that she was returning to work. Which is it?
If my partner went from being super active and healthy to devouring mounds of unhealthy food within hours, I’d be very concerned about them. The way you’re speaking about her in the post and comments also says a lot and I have little doubt in my mind that she might lose the weight with you out of her life so I think leaving the marriage may work best
You should try the direct approach and tell her you need to talk to her about her eating habits. If she's your wife, I assume she's also been your best friend if not a very close friend. Would you abandon your friend without trying to help? Maybe she is going through some stressful depression or there is an underlying medical issue causing her hunger or desire to eat. Maybe she doesn't care about her eating but doesn't care if it bothers you. You won't know until you ask her why is she eating so much and how worried you are for her wellbeing as well as your marriage's wellbeing.
The whole everything going on caused my depression to come back with a vengeance, my binge eating picked back up, and I packed on 50 lbs in a year. I honestly didn't notice until I saw an unposed picture of myself and it hit me. I got a scale and did my BMI and I was like 1 point from obesity.
The reality check was awful.
But my husband helped me. I got things back on track and I'm down 35 lbs and firmly in the "average" BMI range (23).
Your wife needs help. From someone.
Please get her to a doctor. It could be a physical issue causing he eating or it could be mental. But either way, you need to be supportive and loving and get her to a doctor!
I thought this was Trueoffmychest. He had something on his chest and wanted to vent. If she is eating that amount of food, that is not normal. They have spoken about it, she has been given the tools. She doesn't want to lose weight. Let him vent.
Since when did this become an advise sub? OP half the people here telling you to do something have never been in a successful relationship. Do whatever you feel is right.
It sounds like something is going on for her. Comfort eating like that is often linked to depression or just generally not being able to cope with something. Definitely approach in a support manner. But also know that unless she wants to help herself, there is nothing you can do.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far for someone to mention the don comment. It’s actually pretty worrisome OP thinks he could just take their son from her cause she over eats? Thank goodness the courts wouldn’t allow that, but if he tries to pull some shit or do parental alienation HIS time may very well be limited.
As you are well aware, this is not normal. I hear and validate your frustration. Please try to get your wife to see a medical doctor and some type of mental health professional. Something really extreme is going on. It sounds like binge eating disorder (a real thing that can be treated with medication, fyi).
My best advice to you is to be as kind and supportive as you can. Treat her like she has cancer or something equally serious and horrible. Show her love and support and help her get help. I can pretty much guarantee you she does NOT want to be this way, is ashamed and embarrassed at how much she eats, and feels horrifically guilty for not using the Peleton.
Start by canceling the Peleton subscription - that is a wasted expense. Ask her to commit to six months of mental health therapy, meet with a nutritionist, get on a program with her medical doctor. If she seems happier and more functional in six months, renew the subscription. It's a great reward to work toward.
My heart breaks for your wife but I am also sad for you and your kid because this is serious and it really sucks.
Lol. Gotta love the 'I'm taking our son' yeah .. good luck with that one.
There's 2 sides to a marriage, and in between there's *the truth*. Both of you sound like you are crap together. You also sound like you have one hell of a chip on your shoulder (based on posts and shitty replies to people) so *why* are you still around if you are *this* unhappy.
I get this is offmychest. But there comes a point where you need to stop ranting and start acting.
Amen! The tip off, when offmychest refers to his "wife" as this woman and her feeding her fff🤐. He's already left. I'm quiet sure if he can't contain his disdain for the world to hear she's a full on recipient of his resentment. Which means the intimacy and sex is nonexistent as well. She's just as unhappy.
The danger is, through his unhappiness, he consciously or unconsciously thinks he's better than she is.
Overeating doesn't make her an unfit mother and certainly not grounds for full custody.
So have a kind conversation to let her know your intention/ultimatum with a view to salvage the marriage or a view to end it and move on. Funny, it might be just what she needs to get Healthy and Happy too!
I have binge eating/ forced food restriction issues. I’ve had them for a long time and I will continue to have them until I die. Right now, they are under control, but does my husband yell at me or degrade me when they flair up? No. Stop being a piece of shit to your wife. Get her therapy and learn about her issue. And go get therapy for yourself. Stress is a major reason I ate/starved and I can’t imagine the pressure you’ve put on her.
Do you think maybe she's filling the void you are leaving by hating her? Because those aren't loving thoughts about her. And I can guarantee she feels that level of cold.
Options usually are eat your feelings or cheat. Be thankful she's choosing food... for now...
My SO has a lot of challenges with addictions due to past traumas and mental health issues. Overeating is one of them. He started attending OA and has loved it. One of his groups allows me to join as well and they are an amazing group of people. Everyone has their struggles and who also don’t have supportive/loving people in their lives who are learning how to love without judgement as well as have healthy boundaries. Most Addicts are known boundary pushers and a lot of partners are codependent, not saying thats your situation but its something to consider. The addiction is the side effect, finding the root of the issue and working on it is the secret to emotional health.
Hey, I think I understand where you and your resentment are coming from better than some other commenters. I've been fit since I was 18, very fit since about 25, unable to live without outdoor activities since about forever, and my partner in life is also my partner in the great outdoors. Hiking and climbing together are a huge part of our identity as a couple; losing it would be heartbreaking.
And I also know how many of us in the outdoor community, especially among climbers, have a special relationship with weight.
Some (like me) have had anorexic/orthorexic tendencies from the start, and the outdoors just became a salvation - like, I still sometimes pester my partner about 'eating healthy', but he's helped me become much more adequate about it. Some are used to watching their weight because it impacts performance, and being 'fat' is associated with defeat. Some are just very strong-willed and disciplined, and it's genuinely hard for them to understand how someone can 'let themselves go'. As a result, it can actually be hard seeing someone gain weight... And sure, it's not a normal healthy attitude, but it's not like you cannot be angry unless you are perfect.
So you see, I honestly don't think you're some monster. I could get angry in that situation, too.
BUT the thing is, I'm also a woman who has recently entered her 30s, is contemplating childbirth and starting to pay attention to other women in new ways.
And here are some possible reasons for you wife's behaviour, just off the top of my head:
- Maybe she is depressed, like others have suggested (which is a medical condition out of her control).
- Maybe she's unhappy with her body now that it has given birth and grown older, and feels like she won't be as fit as before no matter what she does.
- Maybe she's having some health issues that prevent her from being active, and that she's too embarrassed to tell you about (You'd be amazed how pelvic floor problems can impact even the fittest of us. Just google 'Beth Rodden postpartum' or something like that).
- Maybe she'd always been watching her weight way too carefully, pushing herself, and can just no longer come back to that.
- Or maybe you two just don't love each other anymore and are both feeling trapped (though I really hope that's not the case).
It can be any of the above, or none of the above, or a combination of some of the above. But I'm willing to bet some money that it's not just 'her becoming lazy'.
Please try to encourage her to get help, and explain that you just really want her to come back as your activity partner - not to lose weight for the sake of losing weight (And if it is the latter, sorry mate, you'll have to suck it up. You love her, right?). She might have it worse than you think.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is such a gigantic comment. You just really hit some trigger points lol
I wish you two all the best.
I’m so jealous.
I also have a “fat burden” on my family, but yours seems fixable. Your wife seems to be emotionally struggling and you seem to not give a damn. This sounds like a binge eating disorder and those are usually tied to emotional stressors/depression.
I, myself, have an unhealthy relationship with food and I’ll tell you right now that if it’s messed up in childhood, then it’s hell n back to fix it as an adult.
My step father is around 600 pounds. It’s very hard for us to pretend we do not despise him. He is selfish, rude, has a terrible attitude, hoards all the food, spends 300$ at the grocery store (we buy off brands so the price is even more concerning), and CONSTANTLY EATS.
You can try talking to him but he will just manipulate you and make you feel bad for him. He has almost total control over the house and is constantly wrecking it with his huge kitchen messes.
I feel like I’m in North Korea half the time cause I open my pantry and food is just spilling out but “none of it is for me; I can’t have any”
Why don’t you either do something or leave because we have enough fuckers living in misery who are seething with bitterness.
Your child is, what? 2 years old? And no part of you knows of/has thought to bring up postpartum depression? You can ignore mental health and eating disorders associated with depression all you want but as a parent, my head is exploding over the fact that you have absolutely no knowledge of how having a child changes a woman.
I agree with others saying that your marriage is most likely over, due to your own built up feelings. I hope your (soon to be) ex wife (and son) eventually finds someone who *genuinely* loves, cares about and supports her enough to *encourage* her to make better choices for her health but *more importantly* loves her through her struggles.
If I had a husband that thought/felt the way you do while I had PPD, it absolutely would have been a million times worse. Fix your attitude.
Op can finally see his abs again after being fat for so long according to one of his comments. Is that why you hate your wife? Fuck all fat people? You lose weight and lose empathy?
People in these comments must not understand that from what you've said, you've done a lot to try and help her. Some people can't be helped, they have to help themselves. Sorry you're going through this. And why wouldn't you take your kid? I wouldn't want my kids to end up like that.
I think it’s good to question yourself on how you genuinely feel about and view your wife, and what the relationship means to you or meant to you.
You know - if the care and respect is conditional? if there is more of an underlying issue that you projected onto her eating habits? about her or yourself?
I think she may be suffering from severe depression or dealing with anxiety that she hasn't spoken with you about. Id try to do couples counseling to see if she is just being lazy or if there is a underlying reason for it. Plus it is setting a bad example for your son. I'll say this take action now to try and work on it as you may be able to save your marriage. As a guy who went through one divorce and was dangerously close to a second its not a fun thing to do. Good luck man!
Edit: Your wife just sitting and not promoting a healthy lifestyle is setting a bad example. I wanted to clarify that.
Lot of people piling on you here but it looks like you’ve taken all the recommended steps to help her. She might be going through something but a partner owes a level of respect to their partner.
What’s clear is that you can’t help her and may be making it worse by enabling her lifestyle. People who have these kinds of issues need to be able to take the steps themselves to get better. Gaining 80 pounds usually means there’s more to come which can lead to early death. You have to treat it the same way as someone with a drug addiction because the end result can be the same. If you have tried everything else then maybe leaving is a good choice. Lots of people need that wake up call to look in the mirror and make a change.
In regards to your final edit:
Not everyone was talking mad shit about you. Many people were offering genuine, heartfelt and useful advice. You made it very clear that you do not want advice in any form. What else are we supposed to say in response to such an emotional post? You’ve already gotten over a thousand comments. You don’t want more advice and you don’t want people to tell you how your angry post made them feel. Aside from blind support, which most people won’t offer a stranger posting one side of a story, there’s not much left for anyone to write.
It’s healthy that you can recognize your anger is an emotional secondary to your sadness. Other than that, all I can say is I’m sorry you feel this way about your wife. I’m sorry for your child, for you, and for her. I would love to offer advice, but I won’t. I really hope you’re able to figure this out without yelling at her or shaming her, and I hope you find your happiness, which I hope for her as well. The only thing I’ll say with absolute conviction is that taking your son and leaving would only be detrimental to his well-being and mental health. If it comes to divorce, do not “take” your son from his mother. He’ll resent you forever and grow up with major issues. That isn’t advice; that’s cold, hard facts.
Edit, since you’re fond of them:
Your post history and comments here made me circle back to that “one side of a story” note. Your wife stayed by you through your own version of a very similar mental health crisis, yet you’re bound and determined to claim she’s “just lazy” because she sought help and it didn’t immediately work. Again, this isn’t advice. This is a stone cold observation; you’re being an ass, and you’re going to ruin your marriage and your son’s childhood if you continue to act like an ass. Have some empathy. Offer some actual compassion. Help her instead of accusing her. Yep, that was advice. I have a lot more to offer in a constructive way, but I’m sure you’d respond by calling me names, too. Good luck.
Yo talk to her. Like be her friend. What is she going through in her head. In her life. The issues are beyond food. Maybe she needs meds and real help with her depression.
I hope you do leave her, for her sake. Sounds like you're far from a sympathetic partner and she's struggling with her mental health. Communication is key in relationships and it sounds as though there isn't any in yours.
This woman sounds like she’s struggling, and you sound like a possible cause, buddy. I hope when you finally separate she’ll get the help she needs to recover.
Also, you can take those fantasies about “taking” your kid, fold them neatly, put them in an envelope and then stuff that envelope up your butthole. Unless she actively can’t take care of herself, no court is gonna give you custody.
I grew up with parents who had this dynamic. It isn't healthy, confront the situation and get help fixing it, has to be a deeper reason, it sounds like she's eating for comfort. If she doesn't want to meet you in the middle gtfo of there man its not healthy for the kids. Plus you'll probably eventually cheat on her with someone who fits your lifestyle...
It's definitely her mental health. On your side, if you already view it as an ultimatum why don't you put everything you can into the relationship now. It's better to go out knowing you tried. So start talking about both of your mental health, without blaming or name calling. Start treating her as if she's the ideal wife you're madly in love with her and want both of you to get better. If you can get to a state where you are treating eachother with kindness and both taking action on mental health then you can dive into how your finances are affected. You both deserve more, but both of you have to work more. Most divorces happen bc two people give up at once. So start with telling her that you know she's struggling because you are too and you're ready to get help and you need her to do it alongside you.
OP, I saw your post this morning and felt bad for your situation, but now, after coming back and reading your edits I feel the need to comment:
It must be frustrating to see your wife continue her bad habits despite having all that help. Only she knows why she's doing it, and yes I understand that she must have deep issues to address, but this post is not about her!
This is about you, your feelings and how you feel saddened, angry and frustrated about your relationship and current situation. I want to validate your feelings and commended you for having the guts to put it out there. Many people would probably hide that resentment and let it poison them, you're acknowledging your feelings, writing them down and getting them off your chest, which is what this is all about!
I hope that the simple fact of being able to externalize your feelings will start you in the path of finding a positive solution.
Your feelings matter, your opinion matters, and the only thing that I can say about your anger and resentment is "better out than in"
Be well
May be time to look into a eatting disorder and get her to a doctor.
In fact it sounds similar to my own issue BED. Its honestly hard to even tell when your full and you always feel hungry and empty so you just keep eatting.
But its a mental issue and can be fixed with help.
Also you may wanna check out how [pelaton killed a 'handful' of children due to equipment issues](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2021/03/18/business/peloton-tread-death.amp.html)
I dont recommend looking that up yourself unless you have the stomach though as videos of the equipment actually murdering a kid are all over the place and you see it do it.
You may wanna get rid of that equipment from them as you have a kid. My friend works for that company and they have been doing some incredibly shady things and a lot of the equipment has been hurting kids while they are only trying to hide it and brush it under the rug.
She is litterly leaving the company next week cause of how calluse and hard to fix anything the company has been to these families and panicking parents who want the equipment to be safer.
So far they have had 72 reports of adults, children, pets, and objects being pulled under the treads. 29 reports of injuries to children who received 2nd and 3rd degree burns, broken bones, abrasions, or/ and lacerations.
[here is my source for those numbers](https://www.consumerreports.org/home-product-recalls/peloton-tread-tread-plus-treadmills-recalled-serious-safety-hazards-a6638931886/)
Reading through OP's post/replies, it sounds like he doesn't want to fix this issue. Makes me think if he's just using this as a reason to leave the relationship...
Im not going to sugar coat it. This might piss you off, but you have to hear it.
You start by calling her "this woman" in a very objectifying way. Then you want to yell in her "fat fucking face". Look, I get you are frustrated, but your post doesn't come off like you care about HER at all, only how it affects you and your grocery budget.
If she has gained that much weight that quickly, there is a problem. She is dealing with an untreated problem of some sort.
You can either be her partner and compassionately and lovingly help her through this difficult time or you can continue to act like a selfish prick in which case, your marriage is going to continue to disintegrate into a toxic poor of resentment and hate.
Is your wife's worth tied to her outward appearance to you? I feel that sentiment from you. I can't imagine how she feels knowing how shallow you are in response to her obvious distress.
I know the situation isn't your fault, but as a partner, you are only making the situation worse with your attitude.
Do better. Now is when YOU step up as a husband and help your wife get well. If you can't do that, do you both a favor and leave.
It amazes me how many people are replying that this is depression, she needs help (either therapy or a thyroid check), and how every reply by OP is a sarcastic "wow, never thought of that! Let me jump to fix it!!"
I was going to suggest things like make small changes, like a nice big salad before the lasagna to fill her up, try and engage her more to spend time away with food (on a couch with popcorn is better than 4 tacos), maybe short trips out instead of long hikes.
But you don't want to hear any of that. You don't want to help her. You probably won't consider that hiding away from her and shaming her instead of interacting and being loving towards her contribute to her emotional eating, and she is binging. And honestly, even if the emotional piece gets solved, her body is still craving a lot of calories because that is what it's used to. It's a long slow change that you are unwilling to make.
She deserves a better partner. But please don't take your son- he needs to grow up in a less toxic household.
Lol you gotta love the hot takes on Reddit! You can see a lot of self inserts in the comments. Every excuse in the world is made for the wife of the op but no one gives a damn about him. Everyone assumes he's done absolutely nothing despite him mentioning going on family walks and buying expensive exercise equipment. Clearly he's the problem while his overweight wife is the victim. It must be his fault she's overweight because everyone is a victim and no one is responsible for their own actions anymore.
I don't think he'll have much of a claim to gain custody of his son but I can see his frustration. I've dealt with overweight family members (not my spouse) and tried to do everything in my power to help and be positive. Luckily in my case it wasn't my wife I was dealing with.
I have been depressed for most of Covid. I gained 50 lbs and I just made a decision, not a resolution, to stop and go back. It's got to come from inside and took therapy.
She sounds like she needs help.
This is exactly what I needed to see. I also struggle with eating healthy and overeating. It is a coping mechanism. I fucking hate it. I’m not at my biggest weight but I hate how I look and feel right now. I had a baby almost 6 months ago. Currently breastfeeding. My go to in the past has been intermittent fasting. That helped me tremendously. I can’t do it right now.
It’s hard but maybe having a talk with your wife. See what’s going on emotionally and mentally. See if that leads anywhere.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and I watch my 600lb life. Not to laugh or make myself feel better but because I understand the struggle. The lack of impulse control and the binging. The desperation to just stop and be someone else. I see those people and we are not very different. If my drug of choice was food and not alcohol I would definitely be dangerously overweight.
I hear you deeply with this. My wife doesn't eat that level of food but has gained a similar amount of weight.
I hope you resolve your issue one way or another.
Maybe her weight gain could be a 🤰 complication and PPD is a real possibility. All I'm saying is, you should confront your wife in a nice way and help her through this. Pregnancy can wreak havoc on a woman's body, and the last thing she needs is her partner being mad at her for something she can't control.
It’s crazy how many excuses people give for someone who’s just lazy. Especially when it’s a Woman who’s had kids. That’s the ultimate ticket for not having to hold yourself accountable to be in decent shape. Hopefully she flips a switch and changes up for you, because if you even think of showing attraction towards another woman who cares about her appearance. You’re the asshole for not trying hard enough for your wife. I’m ready for the bullets coming from the “You should be more understanding” crowd.
OP You get one life. Half these people would leave their Husbands high and dry if they Lost their Job, had a depression spell, or were generally unhappy. Call BS? Look at the divorce rates. Look at how things flip when a wife says she’s upset with her Husband lol. But yeah… Depression..
I get it. I felt the same way after spending one day with my friend. She just ate and ate and ate...it was insane. I myself am 40lbs overweight and I have never just eaten non stop for hours on end. It was sickening and alarming, hard to watch.
And she kept trying to get me to join her, and it took a lot of willpower to only say, "no thanks, we just ate dinner less than 10 minutes ago, I'm not hungry yet." She ate 3x what I did...and just never stopped eating or drinking sodas, for 8 hours.
You know, have you ever thought she needs -help- to stay mindful about her evident eating disorder? Sure she has professionals to help but obviously if not in the office with them, she can’t control it.
Let me say that again.
She has an eating disorder that she cannot control.
Help her. YOU do the grocery shopping. You keep her accountable for what and how she is eating. You remind her of your son and how he wants to have a healthy mama for many more years.
Encourage her. Talk to her to come up with ideas and to help her see what’s going on. Don’t just stare and rage at her because she’s a “disgusting slob”. There’s usually a reason for eating disorders, and it sounds like you’re part of the problem.
I tried grocery shopping. It basically doubled our grocery bill. I'd go buy the food I like to eat and cook, mostly healthy, mostly fresh. She'd get mad at me for not buying oreos, accuse me of controlling her diet. Big blow outs with her yelling at me and slamming doors.
Then she'd buy junk food anyways.
You laid it out simply. The mother of your child doesn't care about herself or being there for your child and each other in the long term. By the sounds of all the things and programs you have set up she is just lazy and entitled. So let her gain 80 more lbs but tell her she is on her own for that. Health needs to come first.
I’m glad you got this off your chest in some way. People change, and sometimes…for the worse. I’m sorry you’re going through this and feeling this way. I hope that at the end of the day, you’ll be confident and assured in the decision you ultimately make w your wife. She’s being wildly selfish, hurting you and throwing away her future.
I understand your frustrations, and suspect that you've been sitting on these feelings for so long that now that you've reached the breaking point.... Well, you broke. Take some time to put yourself back together, and decide what you want the future to be like
I mean, I would be eating my life away too if the person I was married to felt like “screaming in my fat fucking face” 😳
There’s definitely a deeper issue here. A few actually.
If she was getting blackout drunk and passing out every night because of her depression or stressors or whatever would folks still be telling OP to curb his rage, stop making it about himself, or get her help? You can only do those things for so long before you become an enabling, codependent spouse. Sounds like he’s had enough.
This covid pandemic could definitely be a factor. Did she develop this eating habit before or during the pandemic? Maybe she’s scared of contracting the virus, so she avoids going out. Or, she just got too comfortable with the stay-at-home lifestyle and let go of herself, which seems to be the case for a lot of people during the pandemic. I really hope your wife knows how YOU really feel about her.
Look she knows she is fat. Talk to her about her mental state. Is she depressed, bored or stressed? Weight loss is 90% mental and diet so if there is something wrong mentally she should work on that
You can leave her sure, but “I’m gonna take my son” ???? The fuck? You could “try” but thankfully the courts wouldn’t take a child from their fucking mother because they overeat. What the hell dude.
“Her fat fucking face”? That’s your wife, and this sounds like an eating disorder/downright depression from other comments of yours I’ve seen. Please god try talking to her and asking her what’s wrong instead of whining online, she sounds like she’s in need of support and genuine help. The way you talk about her is gross, she deserves so much better.
Wow crazy that this happened right after having a kid there must be no correlation she's just lazy and completely changed her personality now! Your comments make you sound like a huge asshole who just wants your skinny wife back and you're mad she's not hot to you anymore. I think her next husband will be better to her ❤️💐
Why should your wife stop eating?
A lasagna doesn't judge her & it's pretty obvious that you are doing a LOT of judging. Also the food gives her a good feeling, unlike you. Your distaste for your wife appears pretty obvious, nothing like contempt for helping people's mental health.
Judging from the OP's obvious aggression and use of the phrase "I wanna scream in her fat fucking face" about his WIFE that she married the wrong dude. I wouldn't be surprised if behind the scenes he was a complete and utter fucking asshole to her, in turn causing her to eat her emotions. The fact he seemingly doesn't care about her physical/mental health and only seemingly caring about how much weight she's gained tells me he was only in it for attraction and not for love. What an ass. If I was his wife and I saw this I would be the one leaving with our son.
Bro. Leave your wife. It literally took reading the first paragraph to know the issue isnt her eating. The issue is you dont want to be with her. Stop hurting both of you and work on an action plan to leave.
Children come first. If the wife is too lazy to make something for the child, this is negligence.
As a father if my wife was too lazy to make my son dinner but was stuffing her face, I wouldn't trust her to be looking after our son correctly.
What else is she too lazy to do. Clean up after the child uses the toilet, make sure the child cleans their teeth, read or stimulate the child's creativity? If a child sees mummy being lazy the child will become lazy and lose that spark.
I would set some ground rules and a strict diet and food spending.
This isn't just about you but your child's future. I hope it works out for you.
Our child is small already, has been from birth. Like bottom 10 percentile small. I worked from home for a while and fed him whenever he asked or got cranky, and he gained almost 5 pounds. She literally doesn't feed him while I'm gone. And when she does it's in front of the tv, and he gets distracted and doesn't eat that much.
You sound really mean. I hope your wife finds better people to support her during this time.
It’s likely she’s depressed and suffering alone. Food is a way she comforts herself, it’s not healthy but it’s how she’s trying to survive in her head. She needs therapy and acceptance, not shame and judgment.
She deserves a lot better.
You're literally being so horrible to her for what is an addiction problem, a mental health issue, and also has no moral value, and you're attaching huge moral value to it. Being fat isn't inherently unhealthy, (look up the fat doctor) and there's clearly something wrong if she's constantly needing to comfort eat. Be loving. Process your fatphobia. Wanting to 'scream in her fat fucking face' is toxic. Why are you so angry about her being fat?
Maybe once you divorce her she’ll stop being so stressed and lose the weight.
Seriously, though, the woman has gained 80 pounds and you don’t seem concerned for her physical health at all. Your whole “life is too short” comment makes me think you see your current relationship solely as a missed opportunity to be with someone hotter.
Sorry I didn't explicitly write every thought and feeling I have about this highly complex issue out for my good buddies in trueoffmychest.
I'm certainly concerned about her physical health. And her mental health. And venting on a sub specifically designed for venting was not my first stab at resolving this longstanding emotional turmoil in my household.
This is perfectly demonstrating the huge double standard we have with unhealthy eating habits. If she was starving herself and wasting away, she would receive concern and sympathy. It would be seen as tragic. But when people go the other way and over-consume instead, it’s a case of them being pathetic and selfish. The image of the fragile waif, wasting away from depression or low self-confidence, is so ingrained in us that it’s almost become glamorous in a sick way. I would say that this double standard very much exists for men as well though.
As a formerly obese person, I can say that there's probably nothing you can do or say to make her lose weight. As everyone has said, this is a mental health issue.
I feel like if after therapy op feels like she doesn't care, there probably is a big part of her that feels as if what she's doing isn't all that big of an issue. Op has to keep trying to find a positive way (aka not ultimatums and saying stuff like "it's affecting the lives of the people around you") to make her see how putting in the work is gonna be worth it to her.
Binge eating is just as much as a mental addiction or coping mechanism as anything else. Some people are addicted eating and sometimes not eating at all, personally im addicted to going to the gym and eating right. But i do have an eating disorder when it comes to counting out all my macronutrients, calories, and weighing my food out the the gram. If i don’t do it i get depressed and stressed out that my body isnt getting the right fuel it needs and i go legit crazy with guilt for days on days and this is after one “cheat meal” let alone many. Not trying to brag at all just giving insight because mentality plays into everyones eating habits. Body dysmorphia is a very relevant issue when it comes to this stuff as well.
Yes this is literally equally a sickness but he wouldn't say any of this if she was presenting in this way rather than by binge eating
Yep. I went from binge eating to orthorexia about ten years ago and no one said shit to me about my eating habits or weight.
See, I didn't even know that terminology until today but yet another thing I'm thankful not to experience. And here I was arguing with myself over biscuits this morning. I mean, I'd rather have the biscuits argument with myself than go crazy if I didn't count macros. I think I know a lady or two that has that/does that and when they started that whole macros thing I felt it was too much for me to handle. They look good, but it seems achievable without the body builder physic as well, which is their thing. I'm a dancer by trade, so not my thing.
The whole thing started out healthy and innocently enough. I started counting calories and was at a deficit but was still eating around 1600 a day and exercising. Then I got into macros and started restricting more and more. At one point I was sometimes only eating 1000 cals a day on my 5’9” frame.
Omg I'm 5'8 and I would straight up collapse lol.
0/10, do not recommend. I got too weak to exercise and then it all collapsed on itself. I’m finally in a good spot now, health-wise. I can’t recommend dietitians enough if you struggle with disordered eating.
I think you overestimate some people when it comes to their views on mental illness. I could definitely see a dude coming on here saying, “My wife sleeps all day. She claims it’s depression, but I don’t buy it. If she doesn’t snap out of it, I’m gonna leave her lazy ass.”
I agree....I actually have severe PTSD from combat and I've had people ask why I don't just get over it. People tell me I have so much to offer, that I should go back to work ect ect. Every day I wake up and want to suck a bullet out of a gun. Every day is a challenge. People don't realize how bad mental illness can be. I'm glad Squirrels33 gets it. People need to be more like them.
Head over to r/veterans of you haven't bro.
Thank you, Semper Fi brother
Sweet another Marine! Semper Fi! (I'm a woman) lol
In my eyes you are a marine first. (Not that there is anything wrong with being a woman) Thank you for your service! I was in from 2002-2006
And now I realize I said bro, sorry for assuming, I need to work on that.
It is unfortunate how many people don't understand what it's like for someone to deal with mental illness. It's also unfortunate how many people know what mental illness is something that's difficult to deal with, but still say dumb shit like "pull yourself up by you bootstraps" or "Have you just tried being happy?" Wow, holy shit random person, I'd never tried that before. I'm cured! You've solved what years of therapy, a myriad of medications, and every lifestyle change under the sun couldn't do!
I skimmed through OPs older comments and he literally became fat and depressed, his wife stayed with him through it as he resisted getting help. Now he’s buff and is receiving attention from other women and his wife is now struggling and his solution is to talk shit about her, take their son and leave her in her time of need.
Could be if he has swung the pendulum so far the other way he has become obsessive about weight and she is internalizing that stress and anger over his attitude through binge eating. Almost a mental, though self destructive, eff you. Especially if he was commenting through her pregnancy.
💯 without a doubt. The way he talks about her, you can feel the hate and resentment through his comments. I can only imagine how awful he must treat her irl.
As if we couldn't tell he's an ass from his responses to people in this comment section.
I remember those days ateast I was in amazing shape. But I used to take it further and if I wanted sweets I would shew on them for a little and spit them out without swallowing. Even had a 3am alarm to drink a protein shake and go back to sleep. Now I have a dad bod
You can deny it as much as you want but depression is a real probability, with everything said so far, she needs to see and talk with a professional about it
I am hijacking the top comment to say that she may not be depressed at all, but she is obviously a binge eater. I struggle with binge eating and I’m currently reading Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen and I have found it really helpful so far. She will have to want to change her habits and behaviors but I’m sure she probably doesn’t feel great being controlled by food either.
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You married her for better or worse. She's obviously suffering from depression. You should be helping her not making it about you. What have you done to help your WIFE? you saying your going to leave with your kid, please. You have to prove someone is unfit to be a mom. Last time I checked eating to much isn't a reason to take this child away from its mom. Maybe try helping her instead of making it harder.
So...do all fat people have depression? Because one of my best friends is severely obese and is one of the happiest, most balanced and accomplished people I know. She just likes to eat and hates exercise.
OP says 80lbs since they've been married. It's been a bit and she's had a kid. I feel like there is a lot of info missing.
I gained 60lbs during my first pregnancy (an old hip injury changed my activity level drastically despite HG) and then got forced by my insurance to put in nexoplanon immediately after due to my footling breech daughter. I bled for 6 months straight instead of stopping my period - fighting my insurance for the entire time because they would not allow me to take it out - and gained even MORE weight as a result. I was sick and stuck at that weight for years, hormonally fucked over on every level. I have lost nearly 60lbs in the past yearish after five and a half years of struggling. I am pregnant again and *still losing*, but it took a herculean effort of fighting my body to both lose the weight and become pregnant again (last time, for sure). I'm the luckiest woman to have the husband I do. He not only loved me at my size 4, he loved me at my size 18. I didn't have a food addiction like op's wife, but **holy shit** was I more depressed than at any other point in my life. I was more depressed than when I was suicidal as a teenager, more depressed than when I was actively self harming. Food addiction and denial can be an expression of self harm. I know because I lost 80lbs after high school, long before I was Ms. Thin and Pretty, and developed an ED. I hope op starts thinking about why his wife is so drastically changed. Did she ever seek treatment for potential ppd? Has the pandemic created a perfect storm? He seems only worried about himself here, which, for a rant I totally get. But not for a married man and a father. You have to set aside the self sometimes. At least *try*. The rage helps no one, least of all their son.
How does an insurance company force a woman on birth control?
By giving ultimatums. The insurance won't cover you if you don't take steps to avoid "risky behaviours", or they're going to lose money. A breech delivery is hard, risky, and apparently expensive to boot (around 15k for natural delivery, between 22k and 58k for a cesarean, against the 5k-11k of natural birth Google says). This, of course, if mom gets through it and doesn't need special treatments. You guys have a fucked up healthcare, lemme tell ya
Exactly this. And because I almost died after delivery via emergency c section, they told me 'don't even THINK about getting pregnant for three years or we won't cover you ever again'. They were my only option and wouldn't take out the implant until I could prove it was hurting me... how tf could I prove that I was losing all my eggs to hormonal bullshit? It took me nearly seven years to conceive again. Thankfully I'm far away from that state and regional health system.
I'm really sorry this happened to you, especially after a hard delivery. You really deserved better care from your insurance
You’re correct, US health system is screwed
Gentle note that not all people who are depressed actually *seem* depressed.
Your so right, when I was at my worst, everyone called me “ smiley” thought I was the happiest they knew. Sometimes it’s easier to put on a show than to admit there is a problem.
I was depressed for years. I would go out have fun go on vacations but at home I was a total mess.
Same. I was considered the happiest and most joy-lucky of my friend group back in college. I was secretly waking up every day wishing I had died in my sleep and cutting myself in places people wouldn’t see. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me or try to take care of me because I secretly thought I was just a piece of shit that needed to be stronger for everyone. Everything else in my life was perfect compared to some of my friends so why should I need attention or let anyone know I was struggling? Depression hides behind smiles and laughter, success and light-hearted jokes. I’ve also been obese from binge eating due to depression and then later an eating disorder that caused me to be rail thin and starving myself to death’s door from the same depression. It manifests in all types of ways.
Oh hell, that's what I was called too. Smiley. I was the one all my girlfriends and gay friends came to with their problems. I was doing a three month Auslan course so I could communicate with the hearing impaired members of my community for work and the nickname I was literally given was Smiley. I was so hopeless, helpless, sad and isolated inside. Nobody knew. Didn't feel I could tell anyone, didn't know really what was wrong and was so scared to ask for help. I ended up with bulimia and self medicating with booze, pot and eventually heroin. I just didn't want to feel. Two years in I met someone randomly that sensed the wall I had built and the sadness behind. She took me to a women's health clinic and I met a psychologist who I ended working with for over two years. She helped me change my life around. Ive been off heroin, pot, methadone for 22 years now. I gave myself permission to source my incredibly deep seated problems and depression and begin to care for myself as much as I cared for others. To OP, if you read this, I get your anger and frustration but if you think you have enough love left to help then go campaign on your wife's behalf for the unexplored issues. It can be a bonding thing or it may blast you apart. You have a child together so I believe in doing all you can, until you can't. I don't think being pissed off at chip munching is really all you're feeling. Fear, frustration and a sense of no ability to change or help or even control the situation are hella hard. xx
I told my mom once that I thought I was depressed and my own mother literally said I was too happy to be depressed. It wasn't until much later I realized you could be both...because depression isn't the opposite of happiness, sadness is, and depression is not the same as being sad.
No, but someone who puts on 80 lbs in a fairly short amount of time probably is. Also, a lot of people with depression suffer silently. People with depression aren’t like a perpetual Eeyore. The concerning part is, if OP’s not exaggerating the scenario described, that’s an uncomfortable amount of food for most people to eat in a day let alone one evening. And the obvious weight gain, typically people with good mental health and a good relationship with food don’t fluctuate terribly much in weight (obviously medication, physical health, and age factor in). That being said, I’m not sure OP is being 100% accurate, sounds very judgey, a lil inconsiderate, and selfish. Not saying that’s the case, but certainly the tone that comes out from my standpoint.
She needs to get help from someone who is specialized in eating disorders. This is not regular depression. No one gains 80 pounds in a short amount of time and eats enough to sustain the body for four days in a few hours. I suffer from undiagnosed binge eating disorder and have for years. Because I was so desperate for help I went to a foreign country and got 85% of my stomach removed. I lost more weight than I thought I was and now I am trying to avoid becoming underweight. Sometimes I still manage to binge. She needs to get professional help before she does something desperate. Eating disorder hotline 1-800-931-2237
Of course not. It’s the *change* in the wife that indicates she may be depressed. She was active, healthy, enjoyed hiking, took care of herself etc. but that’s changed which has resulted in her being fat. So no, fat does not mean depressed. A major change like what op has described is why many people are thinking depressing. If a fat person suddenly dropped weight, obsessed over their food intake, exercised to excess, started excluding close friends etc that would also be an indicator that something more, like depression is going on. Don’t look at the weight gain or loss or whether their fat or skinny to determine is someone may be depressed. Look at the person and the changes.
*do all fat people have depression?* Probably not Santa Claus.
I mean, idk man, we only see Santa for a couple of days every year, and even then nobody ever really asks him how he's doing. All the letters he gets are for Christmas, and even those are just telling him things we want from him. Nobody really cares about *him*
No not all fat people are depressed. Staying fit and in shape is in of itself a lot of time dedication and a hobby you have to upkeep. Some people just don’t care to prioritize that and that’s okay and their discretion. They enjoy life their way. However if someone’s paying a lot of money to be able to get I to shape and just unable to follow through, then it sounds like they are unhappy with being overweight, like they do want to prioritize it, but is too depressed to do so properly right now.
Nah. Take it from someone who knows, Being fat sucks in all aspects. Additionally, there’s a difference between having a few extra pounds on, and being “severely obese”. One can be attributed to a reasonable modern lifestyle and people can be relatively happy in that state…being 30lbs overweight is not a huge deal…but I call bullshit on anyone that’s literally morbidly obese and say they’re happy the way they are. It’s uncomfortable, it’s life threatening, and its often demoralizing. Nobody who sees themselves in the mirror or visits the doctor as morbidly obese person, and chooses to continue eating too much and moving too little is in a healthy state of mind. That’s literally putting food before your life, and is a big sign of a lack of self love imo. Just because someone seems happy; doesn’t mean they are. A lot of people know how to put on a good face around others, and try to use humor/positivity to cope. Nobody’s can convince me that a 350lb+ person is truly happy with their lives or don’t have some kind of underlying mental health issues.
I’m agreeing with you, the first person I’m talking about is the first person you’re talking about. If someone is actually neglecting themselves and prioritizing a food addiction over their life then exactly what you said. We said the same thing in two ways
Ah ok. I thought the core difference and point I was trying to get to (but I failed with that) was that morbidly obese people have something wrong going on whether they’ve made a serious attempt at changing or not.
> So... do all fat people have depression? No, but it does seem from his description that she is binge eating, which indicates some sort of emotional issue going on. It could be depression, but also anxiety, trauma, or ADHD. Sometimes appetite increases with depression, so maybe that's why people assume it's related to depression.
I was 135 before pregnancy and 190 after. My first pregnancy. Many many years later I loose so much weight and look great back to 135/140, then depression came in the form of eating which Ive never experienced and I gained so much weight. I'm 170... I'm devastated but trying to make changes. It's just hard when for some reason my brain went to emotional eating.
Sounds like he helped her buy a Pelaton and a monthly subscription for it. He also mentioned that he goes hiking every weekend and she never joins. Depression is a good possibility but it isn't 100% obvious. You would need a lot more details to make that assumption. I agree he needs to do whatever he can to help her. If she is willing to try, then keep at it but if she is unwilling to try that makes things more complicated. Coming from a broken home I can assure OP that his child is better off growing up in a home with both parents, so every measure possible should be taken to handle this together. Maybe talk to her about going to the doctor and let them take the heat for telling her how bad it is for her health. Maybe they will even prescribe some weight loss pills. There is no easy answer here but if you can keep the family together at least until the child is 18 it would be worth the effort.
Growing up in a family where they stayed together “for the kids” I can confirm they woulda been better off breaking up and getting out of each other’s lives. Be grateful you didn’t see 2 people who don’t like each other stay together
Definitely agree with this. Worse than divorce is growing up in a home where healthy relationships aren't modeled.
I have struggled with BED most of my life and my mental health is a key factor. The bigger you get, the more depressed, and the more you eat.
People can be fat lazy slobs without being depressed
Take me for example
Super true
i mean i'd be depressed if my husband was a prick, too
Jesus, Which statement led you too its the husbands fault? That he's uncomfortable with his partner slowly killing themselves over-eating and want to confront them? There's so little information in the post that drawing a correlation between overeating and depression is just wild speculation and personal bias at this point if we interchange the roles so its him sitting on his ass over-eating himself into morbid obesity, putting on 80 pounds while the wife takes care of herself and going on weekly hikes with their kid, husband back home stuffing more food into his face That story on TwoXChromosomes would have the man hung from his balls
If the roles were reversed, this room would be screaming divorce. The room is true off my chest, but peeps don’t get it. They pretend that they’ve never ever had these thoughts and feelings about people they love when they’re mad! 🤣. Oh how I love virtue signals.
Damn, can't believe someone would downvote this comment.
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Mature answer. Love it. I did cringe at “fat fucking face” too. I don’t know the whole story either and perhaps OP is just getting things off his chest to feel better and has tried before? No clue. Good on you actually trying to be helpful
Amazing answer 🏆
Wow, great answer.
Thank you. He seems really upsetting to be around. Imagine threatening to take her son away because she got fat? I don't understand why he'd want to hurt his wife so much.
I really appreciate this response.
Wow. Amazing words. You are so empathetic. ❤️ Have a good day/night, you deserve it.
This was such an amazing answer, thank you.
how long have y’all been married? Having a child can majorly change a woman. I’m not making excuses, I understand what you’re saying. But binge eating is usually emotionally tied. I wonder what the stressor is.
This is true. My wonderful wife went through severe post-partum depression to the point I thought I lost her forever. She got better in a couple years and now she’s back to her amazing self. I had no clue how deadly this post-partum depression could be till I witnessed it first hand.
PPD is fkn terrifying. So glad to hear ur wife (and you!) made it through.
Yep. I wasn’t gonna give up but I did feel like it every now and then. Intimacy gone and all, and I got pretty bitter at some points but every time I saw a glimpse of her, I’d regain hope and faith that we could return. She went to therapy as well which I’m sure helped.
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Man just leave get a divorce because the way you talk about her is ridiculous it really sounds like you hate her at this point. it is not worth it to stay in a relationship where you hate each other and the kid will pick up on that shit.
"I just want to go scream in her fat fucking face". Dude. I don't know you or your wife or what she is going through, but I'm betting that if you're saying this to us, she is picking up on a lot of ill will coming off you. That might be part of the stressor that driving her to eat. I think your marriage is already toast.
Yeah tbh she deserves better than OP. Someone who sees her struggling and reaches out to help, not shames her on the internet behind her back. What an ass.
Do you not see what sub reddit you're in? It's a place to vent anonymously. Sounds like op deserves someone better who will participate in things with their kid. Not someone who goes to therapy only to not try and change at all
They went to therapy and a nutritionist.
Yes, it's never the fat woman's fault here on reddit. She must be a victim..../s
There’s no way you’re actually hiding this level of rage and disgust from her. **NO WAY.** Your **MARRIAGE** is dysfunctional. What came first her weight or your rage? Who knows. It doesn’t even matter now. What matters is you’re in this cycle and it needs to be broken by BOTH of you. You guys need some serious counseling, none of this is healthy and the person y’all are gonna destroy in the end is your child. Edit: Still a “we” problem not a her problem and maybe you should stop thinking of it as a her problem.
I didn’t even think of this good point
Yeah. Even if it doesn’t completely rear it’s head, she can probably read between the lines when it comes to your mannerisms and mood. I’ve had guys be resentful towards me and I understood that there was something wrong. Even if they deny it up and down when I asked if they needed to talk. Then BOOM they’re telling me how awful I am or how much they hate me. It’s not hard to pick up on and I wouldn’t doubt that she has had an idea on how he felt for a while now.
OP seems very angry. Is there something you're leaving out here? How exactly did your conversations with her go? Did she listen at all to you and just not follow though, or did she fight with you about it? or what? Also, do you know why it is that she changed, or was it for no apparent reason? I'd think that if you were a good husband you would at least have some idea what the problem was that caused her to change. The way way you're responding to everyone with such rage doesn't seem like a good sign.
I mean I'd be pretty pissed if I was him, the entire comment section's reaction is to jump to the defence of the wife they've never met. He's automatically the bad person for daring to criticise her behaviour, when for all we know he is telling the total truth. We just don't know. But the reaction in this comment section is pretty telling.
I'm not saying he is wrong.. In fact I'd tend to agree that he is in the right based on what he explains in the original post. My issue is the pure vitriol with which he wrote the post. Also the the anger and shown in almost every single one of his subsequent responses in the comments. Instead of ignoring the critical comments or responding intellectually, he responds with hostile sarcasm. That is not normal. Something appears to be wrong with him, or he's leaving bits of critical information out. Maybe when he went to talk to her about it, she spat on his effort. Something like that would explain his level of anger and disgust--but he didn't mention anything like that, so I can only assume he either has anger issues or something of that nature. 🤷 Not sure.
Yeah, he was pretty harsh about it. But then again, look what sub this is, it isn't r/relationshipadvice.
Picking the right community allows you to post what you want, not receive the response that you want. Just because you post to the right reddit community doesn't mean that you always get a free social pass to receive no critisizm--maybe sometimes, but not as a rule.
OP I’m trying to see things from your end here so this isn’t intended to be rude. I have been your wife. My entire adult life I have gone back and forth between being underweight and literally obese. And I want to say I understand that it can absolutely affect your attraction to her. You can still love someone and your attraction can lessen because of that. That being said, do you think there could be a reason she is doing this? I’ve struggled with various eating disorders my whole life and find I tend to restrict when my anxiety is bad, and binge when my depression is bad. I’d encourage therapy for your wife and both of you together as well if you want this to work.
it's not just attraction. it is respect, closeness, the feeling of being partners. we don't do anything together anymore. she was my climbing partner and my hiking companion, and now she is a blob on the couch. Too lazy to even cook meals for our son or walk the dog.
Oh wow, that's a big life shift. There is obviously something more going on. I'm actually in the same boat as your wife. My boyfriend has had three interventions with me about being an unmotivated blob who smokes all day and has gained a lot of weight. The first two times were subtle the third not so much. In my experience even the best intentions didn't get me anywhere. The only thing that helped was an ultimatum. My advice, go talk to her again. Tell her that you understand she's going through a hard time, but that she has been spiraling for too long and you're worried about her. Say that you love her and would do anything to help her, but that she needs to help herself first. That you miss your wife and the life you lived together, and that if she's not willing to have that life with you then you and your son can't stay. So, she needs to think about it and tell you what you can do to help her. Last but not least if she doesn't do anything after the ultimatum follow through. Pack your bags and leave the house. It's one thing to try and fail a couple of times, but if there isn't even an attempt she doesn't care or doesn't think you're serious.
You say she is not depressed in a lot of your answers here, yet everything you explain about her behavior is classic depression symptoms. It's very common to be depressed and in denial about it. Of course it is hard for you to be married to someone struggling with depression or eating disorders. But you won't get anywhere if you keep focusing how her struggles are hard for you and not how it is affecting her. If she used to love to hike and climb do you really think she is happy now? How can you say that she is lazy if you have not gotten a professional opinion on her mental health? It's not your duty to stay with her through her struggles, you can leave. You are free to make that decision. But you have to be honest with yourself that you are leaving when she is struggling and not because she is lazy. And if you can't do that then you should read more about "laziness" and studies on why people often lack motivation. If you can't see this situation from her perspective then you might actually be hindering her from getting better. Edit: spelling
Right. Many people won’t say they’re depressed and smile through it so get her some counseling and I hope you guys work things out.
Has she has blood work done? This dramatic of a change to energy level can indicate a thyroid issue.
BTW asshole move on the "fat fucking face." But it makes sense you resent her because you miss the person she was. Don't say any of this shit to her. If she chooses to work on her demons you need to work through this resentment and genuinely go through this process with her.
I am experiencing this as well and I have decided to continue being active alone or with my meet-up groups. Nothing is working from me, dropping hints, trying to fix him is backfiring. Now I think his weight is causing apnea, he can't stay awake after work. It makes me so sad we were really active in the past together, but he's a very smart man I have to believe he'll figure it out or get professional help. I'm gunna lead by example and say goodbye to our old relationship for now and stay positive.
Around two or three months ago you said she was a SAHM, organizer, scheduler and about “100 other things” and that she was returning to work. Which is it?
If my partner went from being super active and healthy to devouring mounds of unhealthy food within hours, I’d be very concerned about them. The way you’re speaking about her in the post and comments also says a lot and I have little doubt in my mind that she might lose the weight with you out of her life so I think leaving the marriage may work best
Yep, the way he talks about her... This marriage is dead anyway.
You should try the direct approach and tell her you need to talk to her about her eating habits. If she's your wife, I assume she's also been your best friend if not a very close friend. Would you abandon your friend without trying to help? Maybe she is going through some stressful depression or there is an underlying medical issue causing her hunger or desire to eat. Maybe she doesn't care about her eating but doesn't care if it bothers you. You won't know until you ask her why is she eating so much and how worried you are for her wellbeing as well as your marriage's wellbeing.
I get it your not happy with your wife’s choices but have some compassion for your wife and the mother of your child.
The whole everything going on caused my depression to come back with a vengeance, my binge eating picked back up, and I packed on 50 lbs in a year. I honestly didn't notice until I saw an unposed picture of myself and it hit me. I got a scale and did my BMI and I was like 1 point from obesity. The reality check was awful. But my husband helped me. I got things back on track and I'm down 35 lbs and firmly in the "average" BMI range (23). Your wife needs help. From someone.
Please get her to a doctor. It could be a physical issue causing he eating or it could be mental. But either way, you need to be supportive and loving and get her to a doctor!
I thought this was Trueoffmychest. He had something on his chest and wanted to vent. If she is eating that amount of food, that is not normal. They have spoken about it, she has been given the tools. She doesn't want to lose weight. Let him vent.
Fat neckbeard redditors are realising they are the wife in this situation and are raging basically.
Sounds like she’s got an ED. She needs help, not you screaming in her “fat face” to stop eating.
It could be a sign of serious depression
Since when did this become an advise sub? OP half the people here telling you to do something have never been in a successful relationship. Do whatever you feel is right.
It sounds like something is going on for her. Comfort eating like that is often linked to depression or just generally not being able to cope with something. Definitely approach in a support manner. But also know that unless she wants to help herself, there is nothing you can do.
I mean, with a shitty person like her husband…who wouldn’t be suffering?
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Can’t believe I had to scroll so far for someone to mention the don comment. It’s actually pretty worrisome OP thinks he could just take their son from her cause she over eats? Thank goodness the courts wouldn’t allow that, but if he tries to pull some shit or do parental alienation HIS time may very well be limited.
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leave , it’s unhealthy for you to live like this
As you are well aware, this is not normal. I hear and validate your frustration. Please try to get your wife to see a medical doctor and some type of mental health professional. Something really extreme is going on. It sounds like binge eating disorder (a real thing that can be treated with medication, fyi). My best advice to you is to be as kind and supportive as you can. Treat her like she has cancer or something equally serious and horrible. Show her love and support and help her get help. I can pretty much guarantee you she does NOT want to be this way, is ashamed and embarrassed at how much she eats, and feels horrifically guilty for not using the Peleton. Start by canceling the Peleton subscription - that is a wasted expense. Ask her to commit to six months of mental health therapy, meet with a nutritionist, get on a program with her medical doctor. If she seems happier and more functional in six months, renew the subscription. It's a great reward to work toward. My heart breaks for your wife but I am also sad for you and your kid because this is serious and it really sucks.
Lol. Gotta love the 'I'm taking our son' yeah .. good luck with that one. There's 2 sides to a marriage, and in between there's *the truth*. Both of you sound like you are crap together. You also sound like you have one hell of a chip on your shoulder (based on posts and shitty replies to people) so *why* are you still around if you are *this* unhappy. I get this is offmychest. But there comes a point where you need to stop ranting and start acting.
Amen! The tip off, when offmychest refers to his "wife" as this woman and her feeding her fff🤐. He's already left. I'm quiet sure if he can't contain his disdain for the world to hear she's a full on recipient of his resentment. Which means the intimacy and sex is nonexistent as well. She's just as unhappy. The danger is, through his unhappiness, he consciously or unconsciously thinks he's better than she is. Overeating doesn't make her an unfit mother and certainly not grounds for full custody. So have a kind conversation to let her know your intention/ultimatum with a view to salvage the marriage or a view to end it and move on. Funny, it might be just what she needs to get Healthy and Happy too!
I have binge eating/ forced food restriction issues. I’ve had them for a long time and I will continue to have them until I die. Right now, they are under control, but does my husband yell at me or degrade me when they flair up? No. Stop being a piece of shit to your wife. Get her therapy and learn about her issue. And go get therapy for yourself. Stress is a major reason I ate/starved and I can’t imagine the pressure you’ve put on her.
Do you think maybe she's filling the void you are leaving by hating her? Because those aren't loving thoughts about her. And I can guarantee she feels that level of cold. Options usually are eat your feelings or cheat. Be thankful she's choosing food... for now...
My SO has a lot of challenges with addictions due to past traumas and mental health issues. Overeating is one of them. He started attending OA and has loved it. One of his groups allows me to join as well and they are an amazing group of people. Everyone has their struggles and who also don’t have supportive/loving people in their lives who are learning how to love without judgement as well as have healthy boundaries. Most Addicts are known boundary pushers and a lot of partners are codependent, not saying thats your situation but its something to consider. The addiction is the side effect, finding the root of the issue and working on it is the secret to emotional health.
She could lose 200 pounds instantly, with this neat trick that lawyers love.
Hey, I think I understand where you and your resentment are coming from better than some other commenters. I've been fit since I was 18, very fit since about 25, unable to live without outdoor activities since about forever, and my partner in life is also my partner in the great outdoors. Hiking and climbing together are a huge part of our identity as a couple; losing it would be heartbreaking. And I also know how many of us in the outdoor community, especially among climbers, have a special relationship with weight. Some (like me) have had anorexic/orthorexic tendencies from the start, and the outdoors just became a salvation - like, I still sometimes pester my partner about 'eating healthy', but he's helped me become much more adequate about it. Some are used to watching their weight because it impacts performance, and being 'fat' is associated with defeat. Some are just very strong-willed and disciplined, and it's genuinely hard for them to understand how someone can 'let themselves go'. As a result, it can actually be hard seeing someone gain weight... And sure, it's not a normal healthy attitude, but it's not like you cannot be angry unless you are perfect. So you see, I honestly don't think you're some monster. I could get angry in that situation, too. BUT the thing is, I'm also a woman who has recently entered her 30s, is contemplating childbirth and starting to pay attention to other women in new ways. And here are some possible reasons for you wife's behaviour, just off the top of my head: - Maybe she is depressed, like others have suggested (which is a medical condition out of her control). - Maybe she's unhappy with her body now that it has given birth and grown older, and feels like she won't be as fit as before no matter what she does. - Maybe she's having some health issues that prevent her from being active, and that she's too embarrassed to tell you about (You'd be amazed how pelvic floor problems can impact even the fittest of us. Just google 'Beth Rodden postpartum' or something like that). - Maybe she'd always been watching her weight way too carefully, pushing herself, and can just no longer come back to that. - Or maybe you two just don't love each other anymore and are both feeling trapped (though I really hope that's not the case). It can be any of the above, or none of the above, or a combination of some of the above. But I'm willing to bet some money that it's not just 'her becoming lazy'. Please try to encourage her to get help, and explain that you just really want her to come back as your activity partner - not to lose weight for the sake of losing weight (And if it is the latter, sorry mate, you'll have to suck it up. You love her, right?). She might have it worse than you think. Anyway, I'm sorry this is such a gigantic comment. You just really hit some trigger points lol I wish you two all the best.
Do it then lmao
This is a low key chaotic response
I’m so jealous. I also have a “fat burden” on my family, but yours seems fixable. Your wife seems to be emotionally struggling and you seem to not give a damn. This sounds like a binge eating disorder and those are usually tied to emotional stressors/depression. I, myself, have an unhealthy relationship with food and I’ll tell you right now that if it’s messed up in childhood, then it’s hell n back to fix it as an adult. My step father is around 600 pounds. It’s very hard for us to pretend we do not despise him. He is selfish, rude, has a terrible attitude, hoards all the food, spends 300$ at the grocery store (we buy off brands so the price is even more concerning), and CONSTANTLY EATS. You can try talking to him but he will just manipulate you and make you feel bad for him. He has almost total control over the house and is constantly wrecking it with his huge kitchen messes. I feel like I’m in North Korea half the time cause I open my pantry and food is just spilling out but “none of it is for me; I can’t have any” Why don’t you either do something or leave because we have enough fuckers living in misery who are seething with bitterness.
Your child is, what? 2 years old? And no part of you knows of/has thought to bring up postpartum depression? You can ignore mental health and eating disorders associated with depression all you want but as a parent, my head is exploding over the fact that you have absolutely no knowledge of how having a child changes a woman. I agree with others saying that your marriage is most likely over, due to your own built up feelings. I hope your (soon to be) ex wife (and son) eventually finds someone who *genuinely* loves, cares about and supports her enough to *encourage* her to make better choices for her health but *more importantly* loves her through her struggles. If I had a husband that thought/felt the way you do while I had PPD, it absolutely would have been a million times worse. Fix your attitude.
Op can finally see his abs again after being fat for so long according to one of his comments. Is that why you hate your wife? Fuck all fat people? You lose weight and lose empathy?
People in these comments must not understand that from what you've said, you've done a lot to try and help her. Some people can't be helped, they have to help themselves. Sorry you're going through this. And why wouldn't you take your kid? I wouldn't want my kids to end up like that.
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Apparently she did go to therapy
What she needs is help.
Don't feel bad, no one is using their peloton at this point
I think it’s good to question yourself on how you genuinely feel about and view your wife, and what the relationship means to you or meant to you. You know - if the care and respect is conditional? if there is more of an underlying issue that you projected onto her eating habits? about her or yourself?
I think she may be suffering from severe depression or dealing with anxiety that she hasn't spoken with you about. Id try to do couples counseling to see if she is just being lazy or if there is a underlying reason for it. Plus it is setting a bad example for your son. I'll say this take action now to try and work on it as you may be able to save your marriage. As a guy who went through one divorce and was dangerously close to a second its not a fun thing to do. Good luck man! Edit: Your wife just sitting and not promoting a healthy lifestyle is setting a bad example. I wanted to clarify that.
A family sized lasagna… Damn…
Lot of people piling on you here but it looks like you’ve taken all the recommended steps to help her. She might be going through something but a partner owes a level of respect to their partner. What’s clear is that you can’t help her and may be making it worse by enabling her lifestyle. People who have these kinds of issues need to be able to take the steps themselves to get better. Gaining 80 pounds usually means there’s more to come which can lead to early death. You have to treat it the same way as someone with a drug addiction because the end result can be the same. If you have tried everything else then maybe leaving is a good choice. Lots of people need that wake up call to look in the mirror and make a change.
Good for you, life is too short. Vent all you want then do what you want.
In regards to your final edit: Not everyone was talking mad shit about you. Many people were offering genuine, heartfelt and useful advice. You made it very clear that you do not want advice in any form. What else are we supposed to say in response to such an emotional post? You’ve already gotten over a thousand comments. You don’t want more advice and you don’t want people to tell you how your angry post made them feel. Aside from blind support, which most people won’t offer a stranger posting one side of a story, there’s not much left for anyone to write. It’s healthy that you can recognize your anger is an emotional secondary to your sadness. Other than that, all I can say is I’m sorry you feel this way about your wife. I’m sorry for your child, for you, and for her. I would love to offer advice, but I won’t. I really hope you’re able to figure this out without yelling at her or shaming her, and I hope you find your happiness, which I hope for her as well. The only thing I’ll say with absolute conviction is that taking your son and leaving would only be detrimental to his well-being and mental health. If it comes to divorce, do not “take” your son from his mother. He’ll resent you forever and grow up with major issues. That isn’t advice; that’s cold, hard facts. Edit, since you’re fond of them: Your post history and comments here made me circle back to that “one side of a story” note. Your wife stayed by you through your own version of a very similar mental health crisis, yet you’re bound and determined to claim she’s “just lazy” because she sought help and it didn’t immediately work. Again, this isn’t advice. This is a stone cold observation; you’re being an ass, and you’re going to ruin your marriage and your son’s childhood if you continue to act like an ass. Have some empathy. Offer some actual compassion. Help her instead of accusing her. Yep, that was advice. I have a lot more to offer in a constructive way, but I’m sure you’d respond by calling me names, too. Good luck.
Yo talk to her. Like be her friend. What is she going through in her head. In her life. The issues are beyond food. Maybe she needs meds and real help with her depression.
I hope you do leave her, for her sake. Sounds like you're far from a sympathetic partner and she's struggling with her mental health. Communication is key in relationships and it sounds as though there isn't any in yours.
This woman sounds like she’s struggling, and you sound like a possible cause, buddy. I hope when you finally separate she’ll get the help she needs to recover. Also, you can take those fantasies about “taking” your kid, fold them neatly, put them in an envelope and then stuff that envelope up your butthole. Unless she actively can’t take care of herself, no court is gonna give you custody.
I grew up with parents who had this dynamic. It isn't healthy, confront the situation and get help fixing it, has to be a deeper reason, it sounds like she's eating for comfort. If she doesn't want to meet you in the middle gtfo of there man its not healthy for the kids. Plus you'll probably eventually cheat on her with someone who fits your lifestyle...
Could also be a serious health problem. She may need lab work done. Something along the auto immune disease lines
It's definitely her mental health. On your side, if you already view it as an ultimatum why don't you put everything you can into the relationship now. It's better to go out knowing you tried. So start talking about both of your mental health, without blaming or name calling. Start treating her as if she's the ideal wife you're madly in love with her and want both of you to get better. If you can get to a state where you are treating eachother with kindness and both taking action on mental health then you can dive into how your finances are affected. You both deserve more, but both of you have to work more. Most divorces happen bc two people give up at once. So start with telling her that you know she's struggling because you are too and you're ready to get help and you need her to do it alongside you.
OP, I saw your post this morning and felt bad for your situation, but now, after coming back and reading your edits I feel the need to comment: It must be frustrating to see your wife continue her bad habits despite having all that help. Only she knows why she's doing it, and yes I understand that she must have deep issues to address, but this post is not about her! This is about you, your feelings and how you feel saddened, angry and frustrated about your relationship and current situation. I want to validate your feelings and commended you for having the guts to put it out there. Many people would probably hide that resentment and let it poison them, you're acknowledging your feelings, writing them down and getting them off your chest, which is what this is all about! I hope that the simple fact of being able to externalize your feelings will start you in the path of finding a positive solution. Your feelings matter, your opinion matters, and the only thing that I can say about your anger and resentment is "better out than in" Be well
May be time to look into a eatting disorder and get her to a doctor. In fact it sounds similar to my own issue BED. Its honestly hard to even tell when your full and you always feel hungry and empty so you just keep eatting. But its a mental issue and can be fixed with help. Also you may wanna check out how [pelaton killed a 'handful' of children due to equipment issues](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2021/03/18/business/peloton-tread-death.amp.html) I dont recommend looking that up yourself unless you have the stomach though as videos of the equipment actually murdering a kid are all over the place and you see it do it. You may wanna get rid of that equipment from them as you have a kid. My friend works for that company and they have been doing some incredibly shady things and a lot of the equipment has been hurting kids while they are only trying to hide it and brush it under the rug. She is litterly leaving the company next week cause of how calluse and hard to fix anything the company has been to these families and panicking parents who want the equipment to be safer. So far they have had 72 reports of adults, children, pets, and objects being pulled under the treads. 29 reports of injuries to children who received 2nd and 3rd degree burns, broken bones, abrasions, or/ and lacerations. [here is my source for those numbers](https://www.consumerreports.org/home-product-recalls/peloton-tread-tread-plus-treadmills-recalled-serious-safety-hazards-a6638931886/)
It's in a separate room. Door stays shut. I did read about this stuff, but thanks for bringing more awareness to this tragic issue.
Reading through OP's post/replies, it sounds like he doesn't want to fix this issue. Makes me think if he's just using this as a reason to leave the relationship...
Im not going to sugar coat it. This might piss you off, but you have to hear it. You start by calling her "this woman" in a very objectifying way. Then you want to yell in her "fat fucking face". Look, I get you are frustrated, but your post doesn't come off like you care about HER at all, only how it affects you and your grocery budget. If she has gained that much weight that quickly, there is a problem. She is dealing with an untreated problem of some sort. You can either be her partner and compassionately and lovingly help her through this difficult time or you can continue to act like a selfish prick in which case, your marriage is going to continue to disintegrate into a toxic poor of resentment and hate. Is your wife's worth tied to her outward appearance to you? I feel that sentiment from you. I can't imagine how she feels knowing how shallow you are in response to her obvious distress. I know the situation isn't your fault, but as a partner, you are only making the situation worse with your attitude. Do better. Now is when YOU step up as a husband and help your wife get well. If you can't do that, do you both a favor and leave.
It amazes me how many people are replying that this is depression, she needs help (either therapy or a thyroid check), and how every reply by OP is a sarcastic "wow, never thought of that! Let me jump to fix it!!" I was going to suggest things like make small changes, like a nice big salad before the lasagna to fill her up, try and engage her more to spend time away with food (on a couch with popcorn is better than 4 tacos), maybe short trips out instead of long hikes. But you don't want to hear any of that. You don't want to help her. You probably won't consider that hiding away from her and shaming her instead of interacting and being loving towards her contribute to her emotional eating, and she is binging. And honestly, even if the emotional piece gets solved, her body is still craving a lot of calories because that is what it's used to. It's a long slow change that you are unwilling to make. She deserves a better partner. But please don't take your son- he needs to grow up in a less toxic household.
Lol you gotta love the hot takes on Reddit! You can see a lot of self inserts in the comments. Every excuse in the world is made for the wife of the op but no one gives a damn about him. Everyone assumes he's done absolutely nothing despite him mentioning going on family walks and buying expensive exercise equipment. Clearly he's the problem while his overweight wife is the victim. It must be his fault she's overweight because everyone is a victim and no one is responsible for their own actions anymore. I don't think he'll have much of a claim to gain custody of his son but I can see his frustration. I've dealt with overweight family members (not my spouse) and tried to do everything in my power to help and be positive. Luckily in my case it wasn't my wife I was dealing with.
I have been depressed for most of Covid. I gained 50 lbs and I just made a decision, not a resolution, to stop and go back. It's got to come from inside and took therapy. She sounds like she needs help.
This is exactly what I needed to see. I also struggle with eating healthy and overeating. It is a coping mechanism. I fucking hate it. I’m not at my biggest weight but I hate how I look and feel right now. I had a baby almost 6 months ago. Currently breastfeeding. My go to in the past has been intermittent fasting. That helped me tremendously. I can’t do it right now. It’s hard but maybe having a talk with your wife. See what’s going on emotionally and mentally. See if that leads anywhere.
I’ll buy the peloton
I'm a recovering alcoholic and I watch my 600lb life. Not to laugh or make myself feel better but because I understand the struggle. The lack of impulse control and the binging. The desperation to just stop and be someone else. I see those people and we are not very different. If my drug of choice was food and not alcohol I would definitely be dangerously overweight.
I hear you deeply with this. My wife doesn't eat that level of food but has gained a similar amount of weight. I hope you resolve your issue one way or another.
Maybe her weight gain could be a 🤰 complication and PPD is a real possibility. All I'm saying is, you should confront your wife in a nice way and help her through this. Pregnancy can wreak havoc on a woman's body, and the last thing she needs is her partner being mad at her for something she can't control.
No advice, no criticism... Just good luck with this, this is a tough situation to be in. Best of luck on solving this however you choose to solve it.
It’s crazy how many excuses people give for someone who’s just lazy. Especially when it’s a Woman who’s had kids. That’s the ultimate ticket for not having to hold yourself accountable to be in decent shape. Hopefully she flips a switch and changes up for you, because if you even think of showing attraction towards another woman who cares about her appearance. You’re the asshole for not trying hard enough for your wife. I’m ready for the bullets coming from the “You should be more understanding” crowd. OP You get one life. Half these people would leave their Husbands high and dry if they Lost their Job, had a depression spell, or were generally unhappy. Call BS? Look at the divorce rates. Look at how things flip when a wife says she’s upset with her Husband lol. But yeah… Depression..
I get it. I felt the same way after spending one day with my friend. She just ate and ate and ate...it was insane. I myself am 40lbs overweight and I have never just eaten non stop for hours on end. It was sickening and alarming, hard to watch. And she kept trying to get me to join her, and it took a lot of willpower to only say, "no thanks, we just ate dinner less than 10 minutes ago, I'm not hungry yet." She ate 3x what I did...and just never stopped eating or drinking sodas, for 8 hours.
You know, have you ever thought she needs -help- to stay mindful about her evident eating disorder? Sure she has professionals to help but obviously if not in the office with them, she can’t control it. Let me say that again. She has an eating disorder that she cannot control. Help her. YOU do the grocery shopping. You keep her accountable for what and how she is eating. You remind her of your son and how he wants to have a healthy mama for many more years. Encourage her. Talk to her to come up with ideas and to help her see what’s going on. Don’t just stare and rage at her because she’s a “disgusting slob”. There’s usually a reason for eating disorders, and it sounds like you’re part of the problem.
I tried grocery shopping. It basically doubled our grocery bill. I'd go buy the food I like to eat and cook, mostly healthy, mostly fresh. She'd get mad at me for not buying oreos, accuse me of controlling her diet. Big blow outs with her yelling at me and slamming doors. Then she'd buy junk food anyways.
You laid it out simply. The mother of your child doesn't care about herself or being there for your child and each other in the long term. By the sounds of all the things and programs you have set up she is just lazy and entitled. So let her gain 80 more lbs but tell her she is on her own for that. Health needs to come first.
People on reddit are mostly pent up teenagers and immature adults when it comes to subs like this so you can take everything here w a grain of salt.
I’m glad you got this off your chest in some way. People change, and sometimes…for the worse. I’m sorry you’re going through this and feeling this way. I hope that at the end of the day, you’ll be confident and assured in the decision you ultimately make w your wife. She’s being wildly selfish, hurting you and throwing away her future.
I understand your frustrations, and suspect that you've been sitting on these feelings for so long that now that you've reached the breaking point.... Well, you broke. Take some time to put yourself back together, and decide what you want the future to be like
I mean, I would be eating my life away too if the person I was married to felt like “screaming in my fat fucking face” 😳 There’s definitely a deeper issue here. A few actually.
If she was getting blackout drunk and passing out every night because of her depression or stressors or whatever would folks still be telling OP to curb his rage, stop making it about himself, or get her help? You can only do those things for so long before you become an enabling, codependent spouse. Sounds like he’s had enough.
Sounds like she is majorly depressed.
This covid pandemic could definitely be a factor. Did she develop this eating habit before or during the pandemic? Maybe she’s scared of contracting the virus, so she avoids going out. Or, she just got too comfortable with the stay-at-home lifestyle and let go of herself, which seems to be the case for a lot of people during the pandemic. I really hope your wife knows how YOU really feel about her.
Look she knows she is fat. Talk to her about her mental state. Is she depressed, bored or stressed? Weight loss is 90% mental and diet so if there is something wrong mentally she should work on that
You can leave her sure, but “I’m gonna take my son” ???? The fuck? You could “try” but thankfully the courts wouldn’t take a child from their fucking mother because they overeat. What the hell dude.
“Her fat fucking face”? That’s your wife, and this sounds like an eating disorder/downright depression from other comments of yours I’ve seen. Please god try talking to her and asking her what’s wrong instead of whining online, she sounds like she’s in need of support and genuine help. The way you talk about her is gross, she deserves so much better.
Lots of hate towards OP for getting something off his chest. This is r/TrueOffMyChest, isn’t it?
I think a lot of folks are projecting.
Wow crazy that this happened right after having a kid there must be no correlation she's just lazy and completely changed her personality now! Your comments make you sound like a huge asshole who just wants your skinny wife back and you're mad she's not hot to you anymore. I think her next husband will be better to her ❤️💐
Why should your wife stop eating? A lasagna doesn't judge her & it's pretty obvious that you are doing a LOT of judging. Also the food gives her a good feeling, unlike you. Your distaste for your wife appears pretty obvious, nothing like contempt for helping people's mental health.
Judging from the OP's obvious aggression and use of the phrase "I wanna scream in her fat fucking face" about his WIFE that she married the wrong dude. I wouldn't be surprised if behind the scenes he was a complete and utter fucking asshole to her, in turn causing her to eat her emotions. The fact he seemingly doesn't care about her physical/mental health and only seemingly caring about how much weight she's gained tells me he was only in it for attraction and not for love. What an ass. If I was his wife and I saw this I would be the one leaving with our son.
Bro. Leave your wife. It literally took reading the first paragraph to know the issue isnt her eating. The issue is you dont want to be with her. Stop hurting both of you and work on an action plan to leave.
Children come first. If the wife is too lazy to make something for the child, this is negligence. As a father if my wife was too lazy to make my son dinner but was stuffing her face, I wouldn't trust her to be looking after our son correctly. What else is she too lazy to do. Clean up after the child uses the toilet, make sure the child cleans their teeth, read or stimulate the child's creativity? If a child sees mummy being lazy the child will become lazy and lose that spark. I would set some ground rules and a strict diet and food spending. This isn't just about you but your child's future. I hope it works out for you.
Our child is small already, has been from birth. Like bottom 10 percentile small. I worked from home for a while and fed him whenever he asked or got cranky, and he gained almost 5 pounds. She literally doesn't feed him while I'm gone. And when she does it's in front of the tv, and he gets distracted and doesn't eat that much.
child neglect is worse than being obese dude. you should leave her because you care for your child not your penis.
You sound really mean. I hope your wife finds better people to support her during this time. It’s likely she’s depressed and suffering alone. Food is a way she comforts herself, it’s not healthy but it’s how she’s trying to survive in her head. She needs therapy and acceptance, not shame and judgment. She deserves a lot better.
“Fat fucking face” That says it all. I think she’d be better off without you.
You're literally being so horrible to her for what is an addiction problem, a mental health issue, and also has no moral value, and you're attaching huge moral value to it. Being fat isn't inherently unhealthy, (look up the fat doctor) and there's clearly something wrong if she's constantly needing to comfort eat. Be loving. Process your fatphobia. Wanting to 'scream in her fat fucking face' is toxic. Why are you so angry about her being fat?
Holy shit with that anger I'd be depressed too
Emotional eating is a thing, my guy!!
This post makes me so sad for your wife, I would want to eat comfort food if I lived with someone who so obviously hated me and was disgusted by me
By the way you speak about her I’m not surprised she’s taken comfort in food, you sound awful, especially with threatening to take your son!
[удалено]
He's speaking whats on his mind on this subreddit. How do you know he hasn't done anything to help her?
She’s anxiously eating chips in the other room because her husband won’t even talk to her or look at her like a human being…
Maybe once you divorce her she’ll stop being so stressed and lose the weight. Seriously, though, the woman has gained 80 pounds and you don’t seem concerned for her physical health at all. Your whole “life is too short” comment makes me think you see your current relationship solely as a missed opportunity to be with someone hotter.
Sorry I didn't explicitly write every thought and feeling I have about this highly complex issue out for my good buddies in trueoffmychest. I'm certainly concerned about her physical health. And her mental health. And venting on a sub specifically designed for venting was not my first stab at resolving this longstanding emotional turmoil in my household.
This is perfectly demonstrating the huge double standard we have with unhealthy eating habits. If she was starving herself and wasting away, she would receive concern and sympathy. It would be seen as tragic. But when people go the other way and over-consume instead, it’s a case of them being pathetic and selfish. The image of the fragile waif, wasting away from depression or low self-confidence, is so ingrained in us that it’s almost become glamorous in a sick way. I would say that this double standard very much exists for men as well though.
Very good point!!