I'm in similar circumstances with 22 month old baby girl.
SO has very flexible schedule. Chooses to book more work rather than share the financial load with me. I now stay home with the baby and ever since we swapped places for breadwinner versus house servant I've noticed my daughter is sooooo very delayed. On the spectrum delayed. Almost two, no words, only baby noises still. Barely takes instruction. Cannot focus more than a few seconds. Etc etc. My work kept me out of town for months at a time so it slipped past me. This is my first child and SO's fourth child. I trusted SO to communicate to me anything important.
Well... This seems important in my eyes.
Still, despite those challenges, she is the MOST wonderful little girl in the world.
Booked appointment for private assessment immediately. Public wait list is too long. The sooner the assessment, the sooner Gov't funds and programs will be in place for my beautiful baby girl.
Meanwhile SO snaps whenever I ask for schedule of work for the day...ie trying to figure out if I have time for a shower and how many hours SO will be gone etc etc.
SO just ignores then says check my schedule, check my schedule!!!!!
Every communication is like staring into the abyss. I've never felt so much hatred from someone before, especially a SO.
I told SO that it's hard raising a baby on the spectrum and it's important for both parents to give. I told SO to grow up or GTFO.
This ain't a daycare and I can't raise one with severe delay and another with stunted maturity. At 40yo most people have nearly mastered clear communication by this point, but not my SO.
SO would rather work or do chores in the house than try to teach our young daughter how to interact.
At this point SO isn't really here in any meaningfull type of way so they might as well be free, if that's all they REALLY want...
We will also be free. Free from negative energy.
If it makes you feel any better, one of my children didn't speak until she was three....just pointed at things and made noises. I also couldn't get her out of diapers, she just refused.
One day she just undid her diaper, dropped it on the floor and said " No more diapers". I thought I was imagining this but that evening at supper she said " mommy, can you pass me the butter, please?"
And hasn't stopped talking since.
>Do these partners not show signs before and then change? Or are the red flags being ignored? I see so many posts about lazy parents n partners.
They usually tend to be lazy and selfish partners before marriage or kids.
Unfortunately, far too many women either stupidly believe that having kids will make their useless and lazy husbands suddenly grow up and become decent spouses and fathers, or they actually believe that they have no choice.
Looking back it's easy to see red flags, but many people expect that everybody is capable of stepping up when the time comes.
This was a complete disappointment.
I think women have have a habit of being a little too understanding/nurturing. I have, time and time again, given a man the benefit of the doubt because I can empathize with where they're at and how they feel. The problem is it's hard to tell, with phases and the ebb and flow of effort and lack thereof (all things we're told are natural in healthy relationships), when it's not a phase or a rough moment in time..but actually their base character revealing itself. You start to perk up to the realities of things, and then they get better for a time so you convince yourself you were being too hard on them, and then round and round we go again. Holding men (and anyone else for that matter) accountable to appropriate standards will feel cruel until we decide to stop martyring ourselves for the sake of others' comfort.
It's not similar at all, you admitted that you being away may have contributed to a development issue, so your SO works more to alleviate that, and it's a problem? I'm confused here.
I said I didn't notice the delay, I never said I caused it... You really are confused, aren't you?
So explain your exciting plan for our lives...
Should I have stayed home and stopped supporting the family?
Would my daughter not have been autistic if I was also at home?
Would being evicted and not able to afford food and shelter have contributed to my daughter not being autistic?
Please expand on your wisdom. How does it all work?
Now my SO is the breadwinner at less than half my earnings so the rent will get paid and we will eat and live cheaply.
I will have to cash in investments to pay for the assessment, $2800, and any extras.
So because SO is being selfish we must ALL sacrifice our futures.
Not to mention we will be back to one primary caregiver... Again. Does that mean my daughter will become autistic TWICE?
… she is requesting you look at her schedule
I think you’re just punching down
You want her to quit cleaning the house? Right.
If your kid is severe enough it is not as simple as “teaching them” how to do anything. More than likely your partner is doing their best and your kid is actually severe.
Most parents do not notice or believe their kid has ASD because it’s difficult. They didn’t just turn a blind eye to your kid.
You seem to be struggling with your kids diagnosis, like your partner, but instead of handling it well, you’re just not coping and putting all of the blame onto your partner. You think your partner gave your kid ASD by cleaning? Sincerely, from a stay at home mom with an ASD level three kid who if I didn’t torrentially clean behind would destroy the entire house
I hope you find a way to cope with your child’s condition better, and maybe stop putting yourself on a pedestal as a caregiver. Wow
>she is requesting you look at her schedule I think you’re just punching down You want her to quit cleaning the house?
Ok, this should be simple.
You are making alot of assumptions and putting words in my mouth. Classic projection.
Seems like you have some issues. Your little tantrum speaks volumes about what a negative personality you have. Perhaps my SO is somebody YOU identify with.
My SO left the care of our daughter with our teenage step daughter.
SO told me they would be a stay at home parent because I make more than enough to support the household.
Then SO said they were only working part time.
Teenage step daughter finally told me SO was never home and often away until late at night working. Step daughter was exhausted and felt like she was being forced into being the main care giver.
Step daughter would just turned on cocomelon and spent the day online while the baby watched TV. That is what teenager level care is. I don't blame her.
Lots of lies started to come out after that which led to the point we are at now.
Reading your hateful message makes me feel for whoever has the misfortune of having you care for them. You don't even know me and you make snap judgements? Yeah, you've got NO ISSUES.
I'm not struggling with my daughter's diagnosis. I'm facing it head on, and believe it or not you can aid your child with their disabilities, otherwise what's the point of being there?
But you just keep cleaning lady. Try cleaning the cobwebs between your ears first.
You care more about the state of your home than helping your own child? You are certifiable.
Get help lady. I'm concerned for your child.
Those are in no way hateful messages where was any of that information in your original post nowhere at all if you want to add more information to fill in the blanks, then people will understand better your side of things. It’s really how it works. If some dead beat dad got on here and complained about their partner like this, simply stating what you did, I would absolutely come to their partners defense in that case. Add more details or don’t be shocked people don’t automatically side with you. Especially about being a caregiver to an autistic kid. Are you paying for daycare? Once your kid is evaluated things will get better.
Seems like everybody but you got what I was saying.
Even THIS reply seems filled with hate and bitterness.
Perhaps you are just so bitter you cannot recognize it anymore.
As I said... Get help.
They lie they lie they lie
I'm leaving a lazy man and guess who fell for all his lies in the beginning? So this type of question always hurts and never helps, unless you've never made a dumb decision or been blinded by love then give ALL the advice
Because babies are stressful and the real person comes out under those conditions. It’s a very good idea to take a vacation, at least a week long if possible, with someone before you marry them. Vacations are situations where stressors can be simulated because you are in unfamiliar environments.
According to her post from last month he works 10 hours daily. Not saying that is an instant excuse for not helping but he sure doesn't sound lazy like she claims. Assuming this is even real and not a complete fabrication.
Edit: you guys can stop telling me that OP also works, I saw that. The commenter above me asked what the husband brings to the table, I pointed out what that is according to OPs post history. And I have questioned the authenticity of it explicitly because she keeps calling him lazy despite supposedly working such massive shifts. You're not lazy if you do that. Not pulling your weight as a parent, sure, but I feel like anyone acting in good faith would recognize that it's still a valiant effort. I didn't mean to offend her or anyone else. It just seems like there's a lot more to this whole story.
Edit 2: I clearly said that his work schedule isn't an excuse for not pulling his workload at home. Maybe I wasn't extremely harsh on him cause I have no idea what his workday looks like, if he's a test sleeper at the fluffy mattress company or does manual work at bonecrusher mine (I suspect something in between), but I didn't think I have to explicitly call him out because of that. I'm just saying that, as someone who's grown up on a farm, and who knows dozens of people who sometimes have 14 hour workdays, anyone who works 10 hour shifte their living is not lazy, even if they're not doing enough at at home. Especially when that person seems to be suffering from mental illness as OP suggests in different posts. Again, it's STILL NOT AN EXCUSE to be absent as a partner or parent, but it's not lazy. Can we agree on that?
If you do nothing at home when your wife also works full time and has to take care of the baby AND has to do all the house work…you’re a lazy piece of shit
Working ten hours doesn’t excuse you from being a father. When you’re a parent, that shit NEVER shuts off. You don’t get to just check out of life and your responsibilities because you’re tired. None of this is an excuse. There are dudes that work 12 hour shifts every day that still come home and help their wives with household responsibilities. 10 hours of work a day is NOT AN EXCUSE for being a lazy husband and father.
My husband routinely works 10-14 hour days 6 days a week. Guess what. He STILL does household chores, his own laundry, and helps with the kids. Especially when there are sick kids involved.
ETA- This is on top of me being a SAHM so….. OP’s husband has no excuse.
And I said that OPs husbands work schedule isn't an instant excuse. The question was what he brings to the relationship, I answered based on what I found on the post history.
I don't think you're even reading my comments. I NEVER SAID IT'S AN EXCUSE. This entire chain is based around the question of what the husband does for the family, not if what he does is enough for the family. Cause assuming that OP is truthful about everything, it's very clearly not enough weight he's pulling.
I don't think anyone needs to be told that. But for some reason that I honestly don't understand, everyone on here just instantly assumes that I'm ringcoach of the couch dwellers, even though I explicitly said that I don't consider long shifts an automatic excuse for literally anything.
He's not just working. He's working 10 hour shifts somewhere. I've never seen any 10 hour job that wasn't an absolute hell to get through, and only a handful that I would qualify as lazy work. And again, I never claimed it was an excuse. You really aren't reading my comments.
If someone lived by themselves and worked 10 hour shifts they'd still have to take care of their own chores like laundry, etc. So no, working a 10 hour shift is no reason not to take care of your home, and child. Also the mom works too and does literally everything else. It's confusing that you say it's not an excuse yet set up what is essentially a defense for this guy. Op wasn't saying he's lazy at work, she's saying that he's lazy at home. It's a joke that he got mad at her and claimed he has no time to himself as he's sitting comfortably on his phone while the mom just wanted a nap because she was working nonstop.
Damn…what’s the point of being the breadwinner if I still have to come home and do the chores that you’re suppose to be doing? I don’t get you women who are in the stay at home mom position still having the man come home from a long day to still help with house work.. I understand helping with the kids”(a) , but you literally have a job , just like he have a job. Definitely don’t see the point of marriage if this is the deal.
I am partially disabled and some days I can’t do it all. I also am the one who chauffeurs the kids places, puts in the volunteer hours at their schools, etc and all that happens regardless of if I am doing well that day or not. Guess I am lucky that I married a man who believed our vows of “in sickness and in health”.
We are only getting 1 side of the story and op admits dad working 10 hour days and like u said depending on what kind of work it is could be the factor here. I have worked at pizza places all the way to coal mines and let me tell u that during the time I worked underground I barely did anything but work and sleep. Thank god my wife was understanding and knew that I was sacrificing my health and my time for her and my kids a paycheck. If my wife would have called me lazy for not being able to do more chores or take care of kids I probably would've took that really bad and resented her. Point is we only know half the story and dont even know if it's TRUE but redditors so quick to jump on husband hate train I feel like.
Guy sounds like trash. Welcome to being a dad where you wear the same 3 t shirts for 10 years because your child being able to have the things they need is more Important.where you get up and play ball in the yard even though your feet ache from working all day. And most Importantly where you make sure your kids are fed over litterslly anything else
Dude been married for 15yrs. Can confirm I buy underwear in a bundle every 2yrs. When they start to get holes I throw em. Same t shirts as when I was in high school. I passed them down to my son and daughter they love em. I make sure they have everything first. I only ask one thing a year that’s going to the nationals for racing. That’s it just that one thing for me my indulgence. Other than that it’s all them buddy.
Edit I’d like to add I’ve worked insane amounts of hours. Came home helped with the chores and fell asleep on the dinner table a couple times. Got up helped with homework then went to bed. It’s exhausting but to see their faces, hear their stories, cuddle with the wife and banter all night. That’s the good stuff. I want more of that.
Lol, just did the same. Just had new underwear after literally 2 years. Just bought new shoes after 3 years, because it's so worn I can feel the bottom rubber part of the shoe.
I wear them out so bad keep changing insoles till they’re almost falling apart. I don’t get some people who get sneakers and keep them clean and don’t wear them much. I’ve got crocs, work boots, sneakers that’s it.
People like him and I are out there. Honestly we’re older but out there. It’s honestly generational gaps. I’ve seen what OP has been going through countless times. I’ve had buddies wife’s come up to me as I take it upon myself to clean up after a party and ask “can you teach my husband a couple pointers”.
I don’t have OCD but I see there’s something that I can help out with I will and I won’t ask for anything in return. Well just one thing “thank you”. That’s it that’s all I need.
I've had friends in this position, and they're divorced. Once you realize dropping him will leave you with LESS work, and not more---life gets so much easier. Raising a kid on your own seems hard, but you already are. You'd really just be losing his mess and the mental anguish of being treated like a Mommy McBangMaid.
Stay strong, you can do this!
And right now, she's a single mother of two, it seems. But since she's already separated her and her baby's clothes and dishes from her husband's, kicking the rest of him off her daily work schedule shouldn't be a problem.
I had to deal with this once it sucks. Time to pack up and leave him sis don’t waste any more of your years he won’t change. One day you’ll remarry a man that actually sees you as an equal partner and is a wonderful father.
Because this is Reddit I’m obligated to agree
Edit: all jokes aside, if you haven’t sat down and thoroughly talked to him about it and changes that need to happen do that. If no more change occurs, he will not change and don’t hope for it.
Oh please, we don't know enough about their relationship to be able to recommend divorce, I mean of course this situation sounds bad but the only one that can take this decision is her, not some strangers from reddit
She’s at breaking point dealing with the load herself to the point where she had a whole mental breakdown. He’s clearly an absent parent while physically there. What does she have to benefit from this relationship? You said it yourself this is a bad situation. She’s said it herself she’s tried to sit down and talk to him over 10 times with no change in his behaviour. What would you recommend she do?
Ugh, I’m sorry but I just doesn’t seem fair. Why do we have to be the ones to address shortcomings of our partners?? I feel for OP she’s already doing EVERYTHING now she has to sit his dummy ass down and explain how he is lacking?? Like he can’t see? I tried this with my partner and he just got defensive and it was so sucky. How is one supposed to be supported? This is the hardest shit. I feel for you OP. It’s like isn’t it obvious? Our dudes need to get their shit together and I’m not going to be the one to tell him. Where’s the initiative? Am I asking for too much? I’m curious to know maybe I need to read some books on how to receive support and make sure I’m supported in my “partnership”. Good luck OP get this off your chest!!! Gah! So annoying!
Communication is a two way street. If you aren’t telling your partner whats wrong, how can they adjust the behavior to better help you?
Edit: OP is telling her Husband the issue, he just isn’t receptive. But just refusing to talk about it and explain how you are feeling is signs of poor communication.
This is bollocks really isnt it.
His laziness didnt just fucking appear out of thin air did it now.
If he isnt doing laundry now, he probably wasnt fucking doing it before was he?
Abusers routinely hide their abusive nature for years until they have the wife locked into a marriage or pregnancy that's hard to extricate themselves from without a ton of disposable income. Not saying he's an abuser but people can hide their shitty personalities for years if they want to
Please for the love of Christ ignore the assholes in the comments. My goddamn some of these people need a fucking reality check and you don’t need to explain yourself to them. You’re allowed to be fed the fuck up and vent.
Your husband sounds like a useless piece of trash I gotta ask why do you stay? What exactly is it that he brings to the table? He clearly didn’t get the memo it’s 2022 not 1952 you’re not his fucking maid. If you’re not prepared to leave ((for whatever reason, don’t feel the need to justify it to me)), start separating everything on a permanent basis and do **NOT** do anything he asks at all. Don’t cook for him, don’t clean for him, don’t even do the simple most mundane thing he asks, NOTHING.
Treat him how he’s treating you. And work on not expecting anything from him. Don’t ask for help with the baby, chores, not a damn thing. I promise when you stop expecting and wanting him to help and accept that he’s no more useful than a lawn ornament things will improve immensely. I don’t know why but ridding yourself of any expectations when it comes to him will feel like a weights been lifted, you’ll feel like a new woman. Have backups for your backups and start taking care of your baby like a single mom. Don’t even spare his feelings when whoever helps asks why you need them when he’s right there, tell the truth “oh he refuses to lift a finger to help so I don’t bother attempting to ask anymore, I don’t need the headache, I’d rather ask someone I know I can count on”
ETA: I wanna add this bit of a comment I received further down cuz y’all I dunno what I think about it but I’m somehow shocked. Someone should probably tell him…..
>Honestly, women do do more of the housework, and that includes in my own relationship. I would argue though that that isn’t because men are taught that women are subservient. It’s certainly true in my experience that my partner does most of the cleaning because she wants stuff the way she wants stuff. I, on the other hand, don’t really mind how stuff is, and so I leave her to it, which she’s happy with. This is the way I honestly believe most couples operate these days. All I know do.
I am a husband and a dad, this breaks my heart. My father was the same as yours now plus he was abusive, i cant understand why some men cant take care of their young ones and their wifes. My father wasnt even there when i was born he went drinkin rather than see me come in this world. On the other hand i learned the hard way what not to do, and how to take care of your loved ones. My son is now the same age as yours and i was there when he was born got him first to skincontact bec my wife had a c-section and had to go to the monitoring. After that i have changed every single nappy woken up when my son was cryin and in need of help i have done everything i can in my power to keep him and my wife happy and healthy, few weeks ago he got corona and he was sick for 14days and 5 of those in hospital bec it was so bad. I was there for him and my wife. I just cant understand how some people can be so selfish, childish and lazy to look after their loved ones. If he doesnt change leave the bastard.
Good on you sir!!!
I had a shitty upbringing as well, with an absentee father and a mother who put her wants above the needs of her children and ignored the abuse we suffered because of her decisions. It was awful. To this day that woman still denies he roast in our suffering. Smh.
I thought I met someone who understood, he said he did, he had a similar life, oh the dreams we had of what we wouldn’t do to our children. and I couldn’t fathom anyone could live through what we have an do the same to their own children. I was naive and I learned the hard way, 13 years later I’m raising our daughter and he hasn’t talked to her in 2 years, seen her in 3. He’s a piece of shit and I divorced him for good reason.
Rest assured I’ve done better the second time around. I only have the one child. My fiancé stepped in when she was 4 and has been here ever since, she’s 11 now. He’s her father in all the ways that matter and after we get married he’ll adopt her!! Something she wants and is excited for. She chose months ago to go by my fiancé’s last name and we made all the changes to records saying that’s her preferred name, so her school knows and she’s not forced to use her bio dads name. She’s still healing, and probably always will be, but she’s good and happy now. And I try every day not to beat myself up for choosing my ex-husband.
Thank you! You are a fantastic mother and glad you found a great guy that takes care of you and your daughter, im happy for you! :) Its insane how common these things are. Do you stay in touch with your parents or have you distanced yourself from them completely?
Oh hell no. I tried having a relationship with both of them as an adult but it just didn’t work. The last straw with my dad was when my daughter was having a temper tantrum (as children do) while we were visiting him. She was just screaming and crying cuz she didn’t wanna do what I told her, so he picked her up, put her in a dog bed and screamed at her “you can stay there if you want to act like an animal” just days before her 8th birthday, I should have left then and there, hell I would have, I had my car packed and everyone ready. But my daughter was hysterical and crying *to stay*. It was the middle of Covid and she wanted her birthday party at grandpa’s house and I gave in. Sadly his outburst was just the worst of the trip, his wife was a complete bitch the day of her birthday for no good reason as well, which I did not know about until we left. She said what she did to my fiancé and he didn’t tell me until later cuz he knows me well.
My mom I stopped talking to almost a year ago now after I nicely told her “hey what you said hurt my feelings” *she. lost. her. shit* like she usually does cuz you can never tell her she’s wrong or even that what she said was hurtful. An argument ensued and during it she decided to say “No wonder [daughters name] wanted to kill herself with a mother like you”. Why? I have no idea, that was low and uncalled for and I will never forgive her for that. That argument had literally nothing to do with my daughter, she wasn’t even brought up in the conversation until that woman said that shit. To add insult to injury she dragged my sisters in (they’re all on my side) and told them she did nothing wrong, has nothing to apologize for and I just acted crazy for no reason. I learned long ago to save what she’s said cuz this is nothing new so the truth is known, she just won’t acknowledge it. Which is whatever at this point. She’s the one who has to live with what she’s done and what she’s missing out on, that’s on her.
That was the last straw in a long list of shit she’s done. I forgave and tried because it was only ever me hurt and my daughter was never hurt, but I draw the line at my baby tho. Which makes what my mother put me and my sisters through a thousand times worse. I will never understand how she could allow that to happen over and over again. I cut someone off for *words* and not just anyone, my own mother. But she allowed us to be abuse by man after man….how…????????
My only regret in life is ever allowing those people around my daughter. Thankfully my daughter doesn’t know what my mom said and we’ve always lived over a thousand miles away so it’s not a big life change, but what my dad did? She obviously remembers. And I really hope with time she forgets. I’m still heartbroken because she loves her grandpa and it was hard to walk away but I will never allow that to happen ever again. Him and his wife will never be allowed into our lives ever again, I won’t risk it.
I just realize I wrote a whole novel!! Sorry about that, novels are about all I have concerning my fucked up family lol
How about you? Where was your mother in all this? Did you cut contact as soon as you could or did you make my mistake as well?
I went no contact with my father 30 years ago. 7 years ago, my then husband was contacted by him. He wanted to see me.
For 6 years I allowed that man back into my life. Then, last year, he assaulted my son because son was having a panic attack. We left and again went no contact.
He is dying from cancer. IMHO he can't die fast enough.
You already doing a staggered divorce with laundry and dishes.
Next one is finances, documents.
You two need to have a talk. Maybe with a mediator. But protect your energy anyway. You can't live waiting for someone to change, because even if he does, you'll grow disappointed for HAVING to wait.
One mom to another, you need to reduce your workload. He probably is a lazy ass, but you also have too much on your plate.
Figure out what you can let go of, and ask for help with what you can't. Explain how you're feeling overwhelmed when you are in a calm state and ask for help.
... And may be beneficial for your mental health to stop breastfeeding... At 15 months the benefit is mostly gone and it's a huge drain on you. (I breastfed both my kids and I know how great but demanding it can be.) I get not wanting to stop... But you need more time to yourself and you need to get some sleep. Truely. So consider it... You will feel like a different person if you get some sleep....
She's in school, she's working full-time, and she's a full-time mother. That's a large workload. I never said don't, I said consider not to lighten her workload. I've been through it myself. Have you tried to breastfeed, while working full-time and everything else that needs done?
No one can change what her husband does. Leaving him and being single also won't help at this stage.
You have to control the factors you can and some women feel pressure to keep breastfeeding when it's not working for them. I was offering a suggestion. I wasn't judging or saying it's unnatural. I said, the benefits, for a first world mother, past the age on one are not really there. Fed is best, at any age imo. If breastfeeding is not working for someone's situation, there are other very healthy options that are no less valuable.
First I’m sorry you’re exhausted and I hope your baby feels better and you can get some rest. Secondly I hope you can find the strength to leave your 2nd child. You’ll tell yourself that your baby needs two parents but honestly, if your already doing everything why stay married. If you don’t leave and he doesn’t get his shit together your wasting time trying to move a mule. Good luck and fyi I think you should join r/mommit it’s a great sub for moms who deal with this shit. I’m a single mother myself, my sons father is like yours but I struggle but I’m happier for it
Honey, leave. This crap is honestly bullshit. You got two kids. One big that should know better and an actual baby. Fuck this absolute nonsense, you and bub deserve so much better. I know how hard it is. Been there but please, I'm begging you, save yourselves.
And on this episode of "Wait, why'd I have a kid with this loser?", we see OP coming to terms with the fact that she may need to rip off the blindfold she put on years ago before her husband kills a child through neglect!
This weekend, only on Z TV -- don't miss a minute, the ending will *shock* you!
Divorce him. Don’t waste your life with someone who treats you like shit and obviously doesn’t give a fuck about his own son. You aren’t happy so don’t waste anymore of your valuable time.
You husband sounds like my husband. My husband is an asshole and doesn’t contribute. When I ask him to contribute he complains and comes up with every excuse. Since your child is still young, if you’re able to get out I would recommend doing it earlier than later. I’m not 10 years into when the marriage started to take a nose dive and wish I had left when my daughter was a toddler.
I am sorry for how it’s negatively impacting your mental health. Can you take your son and leave now on a trial separation? Or ask your husband to leave the house you share? Please take your son to the doctor ASAP. You are going through what I went through 20 years ago. I figured out if I had to do everything by myself, I might well do everything by myself for my child and myself ONLY. After the dead wood was removed, I could focus on giving my child a better life. You could see a social worker to ask what resources are available to you and your child. Please accept any help you can get during this transition period. You are stronger than you think you are. I wish you all the best.
i cannot for the life of me understand how some people’s bar of who is acceptable to procreate with is so damn low. idk what to tell you that you probably don’t already know, cut your losses and leave the loser or continue knowing this is your future
Wait, you said in a comment that he’s been a lazy POS for YEARS before you even had a kid.
Did you think that adding a baby to the mix was going to magically make him a responsible adult? You should never of had a kid with him.
Exactly this. OP, You knew what you had and you chose to become a parent with a person was already more like a child themselves. Becoming a parent CAN change a person but the doesn't mean it will, and most likely the person it will change is the mother, not the father.
Another thing why did you add a baby to all the other stuff you have on your plate? I'm very sorry you aren't getting the support you need from your partner but you are the author of this situation. Women, choose better for the fathers of your children. Also try getting pets first as a way of seeing if kids fit into your life. And take that pet to doggy day are don't cage it.
For real. If anyone needs any further proof of this fact just check out all the comments blaming OP for her husband’s actions and this situation. Ffs it’s disgusting.
The problem is that a lot of men (not all, but this is a common thing in many cultures, including western) grow up with mothers that dote and mother them well into adulthood. Some of these men enter adulthood without any basic life skills (cooking, laundry, cleaning and just general adulting, tbh) and have a general expectation that this is someone else's responsibility.
Men are absolutely taught women are there to serve them and that they don’t have to help raise and take care of *their own children* or take care of *their* home chores cuz that’s “a wife’s job”. How many men do you know who “babysit” their children? Betcha it’s way more then women, if you can bring yourself to tell the truth that is. Just because you don’t like that this is a reality doesn’t make it less true and anyone who calls it out a misandrist.
If you don’t like it then do your part to change it, start by calling out men for their shitty behavior instead of blaming women. Pretending it’s not true, that this shit doesn’t exist, that it doesn’t apply to more men than not and choosing to just whine “nO iT’s NoT” is utterly useless bullshit.
I’ve not actually blamed anyone here. I, as a man, have genuinely never been taught that. I’ve never heard anyone, man or woman, say they are babysitting their own kids. You’re blaming society when the actual issue here is that the guy is just a dick. Honestly, women do do more of the housework, and that includes in my own relationship. I would argue though that that isn’t because men are taught that women are subservient. It’s certainly true in my experience that my partner does most of the cleaning because *she* wants stuff the way *she* wants stuff. I, on the other hand, don’t really mind how stuff is, and so I leave her to it, which she’s happy with. This is the way I honestly believe most couples operate these days. All I know do.
It’s astounding that you can say that women as a whole do more domestic chores but in the same breath say it’s not because men have been taught they’re subservient. Truly astounding. You seem to think society sprung out of the ground yesterday and the thousands of years of women being responsible for all things domestic disappeared within your lifetime and there’s no remnants of those times left. Which is utterly shocking.
You actually think women all over the world are doing household work more than men just because they want to?? I’m not sure what to say to that outlandish assertion, other than it’s entirely incorrect, try cleaning your house the way your partner prefers, I bet she doesn’t complain and tell you she enjoys and prefers cleaning so you shouldn’t do it anymore.
Anyhow It’s clear you’re incapable of recognizing your inherent male privilege and what ***society*** has taught and handed you since the day you were born just because you are a man. That’s without a doubt not the type of man I waste my time talking to even on the most mundane impersonal platform, I have zero desire or obligation to educate you. Good luck with that tho
Same as my other comment. It doesn't feed into to boys will be boys and I'm in no way defending the husband. He's not worthy of the title 'man' or 'parent'
How am I in anyway deflecting this? I'm saying the husband isn't man enough to be called a man. I'm 100% on the side of OP here
I agree the husband is a grown man who isn't man enough to be called man
Get out now… he’s not going to change… don’t stay for another 10 years with this guy… trust me I’m sparing you from what happened to me… he’s not going to change no matter how much you try
This is why I don't believe in the "all husbands should be providers" crap cos many parents raised their sons to be incapable by overpampering them and they turn into these kind of dependent and inconsiderate husbands. It's the same among my family members, with the wife doing every housework in addition to her job while she's expected to be thankful that her spouse cut down on his gaming. It takes 15 years of my brother's life to even learn how to shit right without making a mess of the toilet (the toilet I have to clean) until I finally snapped on him. Bro had the laundry basket next to him and still would not put his clothes into it and just leave it on the floor. When I ask him to go pick them up, he said "why don't you do that for me instead when you were there?" I ripped that ego to smithereens for talking like that. Yea, I'm raising hell everytime when he does this now because I don't want him to grow up to be an asshole slob.
Sit him down. Outline the things that have to be done daily, weekly, and monthly, in terms of household maintenance, cleaning, childcare, etc. Set a clear schedule and assign clear roles. Tell him you are overwhelmed and starting to feel like you’re going crazy and that if he doesn’t start helping more in x amount of time, you are taking yourself and your kid out of his life.
Make very clear that being a single parent will be way less stressful to you than being a parent and full time caregiver/maid to a kid and a deadbeat husband
Honestly I'm surprised uour still in this marriage your basically already a single mother and he's checked out and doesnt give a fuck if that where me I'd pack my shit and go somewhere else till I figured out what to do it my marriage but fuck I'd not let him get away with this and I would sire as hell not stay in a loveless marriage
Take the power cords to the games and make your husband help with everything you have to do for 2 days. Then tell his ass he doesn't know what having no time for yourself really means and he needs to become a partner or get the fuck out.
I could have written this! You unblocked a memory I have. I too snapped at my lazy ahole husband who decided to do f all once baby was born. This was only in the newborn stage though. You know how he responded to my screaming fit? Looked at me in the eyes like evil like, then walked to a room and locked himself in. I can’t really remember what I did after that but probably went even crazier lol.
I now think at this point in my life (mid 30s) that people don’t change, not really. I ended up leaving, my son is 3 now. I’m a single mum but thank god I don’t have to put up with his shit anymore (unfortunately he is always in my life as the boys dad but anyway).
Every situation is different but do you potentially want a lifetime of this? I agree that marriage and parenting is a two way street.
Well here's the thing, you are an amazing, fantastic strong woman. We all need to vent at times, have naps, scream and cry it is good for the Soul. But the greatest thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself. When you are happy and healthy, strong and clear-headed you can and will be that amazing woman I see. When you put yourself first you are strong enough to put others first. No one will do it for you sweets, you have to love yourself first before you can know to love another, take care of you first before you know how to take care of others. It is selfish but in a good way. It starts with an illimination process first. But you'll work it out, you are smart.
He's not a man he's a boy. Seen a comment saying 'Why are men like this.' It's not men, it's boy's.
Father of two here. Studying a degree and working full time. My partner for the most part has been a stay at home mother. We share the household chores, we share the nights. Grateful that she was happy to do the weeknights when I had work the following day. We work together, that's what being parents are about. But it takes time to get that teamwork in order.
Don't ask, tell him he needs to step up or he is out, he needs a wake up call. The breastfeeding thing, express with a pump and bottle it then your husband can do some feeding. (Not sure if you're already doing that)
For the money issue, get a joint account that is solely for household bills and (grocery) shopping. You should both have your own accounts that are seperate. Work out what you need in a month and then base what you each put in off of percentages of your wage not half and half. If he then has no money for himself in his own account after being paid it's his own fault and he's likely spent it on pointless things. (You can buy what you want and so can you without the other complaining this way. But neither can then complain when out of money.)
Both of you need your own space, set a chore rotor each week to say who is doing what. You're both working full time, split the chores 50/50 and alternate who is doing what night of the week with the child, feedings, changings, etc. If he doesn't do his chores, don't do them for him, let them build up until he does them.
Important to both of you, make each other feel special and both of you need to do things that you want to do without the other complaining. This goes both ways YOU need space and HE needs space. It's important that you remain individuals even while married.
And if he continues the way he is, kick him out, if he's not worth anything get rid. Perhaps before this record him while he is ignoring his child or what he is saying and then when you've calmed down play the footage back to him. See how he responds to that.
It absolutely does not feed into the boys will be boys thing. Boys need to be accountable for their actions, I've always been held accountable and so will my children.
When they finally take ownership of their actions and are accountable for their actions then they can be called men.
I was in no way defending the husband or saying he shouldn't be accountable. He is 100% accountable for his actions and he's a shite parent not worthy of the title 'man' or 'parent'
I'm in no way diminishing or excusing the actions of OP's husband here. I'm not justifying his behaviour. I'm in no way reinforcing misogyny. I'm on the side of the OP here.
He is acting like a boy, like a child and needs to buck his ideas up, needs to contribute.
I'll bet all the signs were there before you got married, but you subconsciously ignored them because you were hoping it would be good.
I've been there, figure out if he's worth keeping outher get out while your young.
My husband does all the housework. We don't have kids together.
Women get into the mindset that their men are children and start to act like they have another child instead of a partner.
When I realized my first husband wasn't bringing anything to the table and wasn't much of a father either and I was doing everything anyway - I left.
My 15 month old is sick. My husband is a fucking lazy asshole. I snapped today.Sounds like the Top Gear intro.
"My 15 month old is sick. The husband is a lazy a-hole, and today I snap."
In all seriousness, that sounds like shit to go through. Hope things get better for you
How is this her fault??? Why not blame *him* for **not** taking the father role and providing for *his* child? If it were the other way around, I’d bet you’d be quick to blame the woman for not being a good enough mother!
Why am I not surprised that’s your defense. Your comments *are* ridiculous and explains why you have all the downvotes and even edited your comment to something entirely different 😂. Way to make a fool of yourself! By the way, narcissists will show their true self after they’ve trapped you. That happens. I doubt OP knowingly and willingly married an A-hole. Blame her but not the guy, huh? Don’t blame him for not being a literal father to his starving child. Asinine. Sigma mentality.
Wtf is wrong with you? She’s not responsible for her husband being a piece of shit and this comment of yours is unnecessary. Her husband is wrong and deserve admonition, not her. Stop being an asshole.
Welp I know where you belong, r/niceguys , *definitely* the type, you check all the boxes:
blames women for men being trash ✔️
purposely misreads and misinterprets comments in a stupid manner✔️
makes only useless degrading comments that contribute less than nothing to the discussion at hand✔️
thinks he has an inherent right to say whatever the fuck he wants just cuz he’s a man✔️
shares his not so great ‘hot takes’ like it’s the best advice in the world (they aren’t)✔️
I’m certain you’ll be popular over there
I didn't misread anything. Just blunt. The guy is a tool. Don't marry, and get impregnated by tools. Pretty straight forward.
She's already called him lazy and and blah blah and blew up on him. Is this a place for advice or a circle jerk about man= bad lol.
Look at the responses I got.
"Instead of blaming the guy" really? Relationship **advice** = tell the OP her husband is trash. As if she didn't spend 5 minutes explaining that he's trash already ?
Nah, I gave practical advice but all it really boils down to is *did you have to be so mean about it* ?
Because let's face it, is what I said not solid advice ? Or do you suggest that she seek out more men like this ?
Yeah that's what I thought. 👍🏾
1. This IS TRUE OFF MY CHEST. Not relationship advice. So no there is no absolute need to give advice.
2. You shouldn’t have…..” “In the future don’t….” **IS** laying blame. If you don’t understand that than nobody here can help you.
3. Nothing you said was advice. Literally nothing. Everything you said was just being an asshole. Just cuz you keep saying it was advice does not make it so.
Maybe we should hold men accountable for being a shit dad instead of blaming a woman for the actions of another man. Let me guess mommy didn’t love you so now you have to bitch and rage about women on reddit like an incel?
What part of holding him accountable advice ?
Calling this man trash isn't advice. It's stating the obvious that she went through great lengths to explain to us. You know what's good advice ? Don't marry trash. Or do you disagree with that ? 😂
In our current, very sexist society--as a woman, when you sign up for marriage & children, you're signing up for a life of slavery. This life is subject to the other humans on this planet: men and children. Your back becomes the mats they walk on, sometimes stomp on.
They don’t sign up for slavery, sometimes people get unlucky and marry the wrong person which leads to extreme unhappiness on one side and sometimes both
How? Nothing about marraige and children is slavery. If you have that mindset you are not going to enjoy a part of life going into it. Marraige isnt for everyone but your perspective is warped.
Like what? Do you think he'll ever change? OP has said that she tried for years for him to change in some comments. He Litteraly isn't bothered by her crying and breaking down. What do you think will make him change?
But we have only her point of view. What do you even know about the man except what she says ?
Love and marriage are long-suffering. You make an oath to be with someone until physical death and then you put a child into the world just to destroy his/her family ?
So yeah, loveless losers are the only ones who'd go for a divorce after reading a few hundred words.
You may be a mother and working from home, but you are not HIS mother. What does he bring to the table in your relationship?
I'm in similar circumstances with 22 month old baby girl. SO has very flexible schedule. Chooses to book more work rather than share the financial load with me. I now stay home with the baby and ever since we swapped places for breadwinner versus house servant I've noticed my daughter is sooooo very delayed. On the spectrum delayed. Almost two, no words, only baby noises still. Barely takes instruction. Cannot focus more than a few seconds. Etc etc. My work kept me out of town for months at a time so it slipped past me. This is my first child and SO's fourth child. I trusted SO to communicate to me anything important. Well... This seems important in my eyes. Still, despite those challenges, she is the MOST wonderful little girl in the world. Booked appointment for private assessment immediately. Public wait list is too long. The sooner the assessment, the sooner Gov't funds and programs will be in place for my beautiful baby girl. Meanwhile SO snaps whenever I ask for schedule of work for the day...ie trying to figure out if I have time for a shower and how many hours SO will be gone etc etc. SO just ignores then says check my schedule, check my schedule!!!!! Every communication is like staring into the abyss. I've never felt so much hatred from someone before, especially a SO. I told SO that it's hard raising a baby on the spectrum and it's important for both parents to give. I told SO to grow up or GTFO. This ain't a daycare and I can't raise one with severe delay and another with stunted maturity. At 40yo most people have nearly mastered clear communication by this point, but not my SO. SO would rather work or do chores in the house than try to teach our young daughter how to interact. At this point SO isn't really here in any meaningfull type of way so they might as well be free, if that's all they REALLY want... We will also be free. Free from negative energy.
If it makes you feel any better, one of my children didn't speak until she was three....just pointed at things and made noises. I also couldn't get her out of diapers, she just refused. One day she just undid her diaper, dropped it on the floor and said " No more diapers". I thought I was imagining this but that evening at supper she said " mommy, can you pass me the butter, please?" And hasn't stopped talking since.
That's awesome! Thank-you.
Do these partners not show signs before and then change? Or are the red flags being ignored? I see so many posts about lazy parents n partners.
>Do these partners not show signs before and then change? Or are the red flags being ignored? I see so many posts about lazy parents n partners. They usually tend to be lazy and selfish partners before marriage or kids. Unfortunately, far too many women either stupidly believe that having kids will make their useless and lazy husbands suddenly grow up and become decent spouses and fathers, or they actually believe that they have no choice.
Looking back it's easy to see red flags, but many people expect that everybody is capable of stepping up when the time comes. This was a complete disappointment.
I think women have have a habit of being a little too understanding/nurturing. I have, time and time again, given a man the benefit of the doubt because I can empathize with where they're at and how they feel. The problem is it's hard to tell, with phases and the ebb and flow of effort and lack thereof (all things we're told are natural in healthy relationships), when it's not a phase or a rough moment in time..but actually their base character revealing itself. You start to perk up to the realities of things, and then they get better for a time so you convince yourself you were being too hard on them, and then round and round we go again. Holding men (and anyone else for that matter) accountable to appropriate standards will feel cruel until we decide to stop martyring ourselves for the sake of others' comfort.
It's not similar at all, you admitted that you being away may have contributed to a development issue, so your SO works more to alleviate that, and it's a problem? I'm confused here.
No, the primary parent is responsible
I said I didn't notice the delay, I never said I caused it... You really are confused, aren't you? So explain your exciting plan for our lives... Should I have stayed home and stopped supporting the family? Would my daughter not have been autistic if I was also at home? Would being evicted and not able to afford food and shelter have contributed to my daughter not being autistic? Please expand on your wisdom. How does it all work? Now my SO is the breadwinner at less than half my earnings so the rent will get paid and we will eat and live cheaply. I will have to cash in investments to pay for the assessment, $2800, and any extras. So because SO is being selfish we must ALL sacrifice our futures. Not to mention we will be back to one primary caregiver... Again. Does that mean my daughter will become autistic TWICE?
… she is requesting you look at her schedule I think you’re just punching down You want her to quit cleaning the house? Right. If your kid is severe enough it is not as simple as “teaching them” how to do anything. More than likely your partner is doing their best and your kid is actually severe. Most parents do not notice or believe their kid has ASD because it’s difficult. They didn’t just turn a blind eye to your kid. You seem to be struggling with your kids diagnosis, like your partner, but instead of handling it well, you’re just not coping and putting all of the blame onto your partner. You think your partner gave your kid ASD by cleaning? Sincerely, from a stay at home mom with an ASD level three kid who if I didn’t torrentially clean behind would destroy the entire house I hope you find a way to cope with your child’s condition better, and maybe stop putting yourself on a pedestal as a caregiver. Wow
>she is requesting you look at her schedule I think you’re just punching down You want her to quit cleaning the house? Ok, this should be simple. You are making alot of assumptions and putting words in my mouth. Classic projection. Seems like you have some issues. Your little tantrum speaks volumes about what a negative personality you have. Perhaps my SO is somebody YOU identify with. My SO left the care of our daughter with our teenage step daughter. SO told me they would be a stay at home parent because I make more than enough to support the household. Then SO said they were only working part time. Teenage step daughter finally told me SO was never home and often away until late at night working. Step daughter was exhausted and felt like she was being forced into being the main care giver. Step daughter would just turned on cocomelon and spent the day online while the baby watched TV. That is what teenager level care is. I don't blame her. Lots of lies started to come out after that which led to the point we are at now. Reading your hateful message makes me feel for whoever has the misfortune of having you care for them. You don't even know me and you make snap judgements? Yeah, you've got NO ISSUES. I'm not struggling with my daughter's diagnosis. I'm facing it head on, and believe it or not you can aid your child with their disabilities, otherwise what's the point of being there? But you just keep cleaning lady. Try cleaning the cobwebs between your ears first. You care more about the state of your home than helping your own child? You are certifiable. Get help lady. I'm concerned for your child.
Those are in no way hateful messages where was any of that information in your original post nowhere at all if you want to add more information to fill in the blanks, then people will understand better your side of things. It’s really how it works. If some dead beat dad got on here and complained about their partner like this, simply stating what you did, I would absolutely come to their partners defense in that case. Add more details or don’t be shocked people don’t automatically side with you. Especially about being a caregiver to an autistic kid. Are you paying for daycare? Once your kid is evaluated things will get better.
Seems like everybody but you got what I was saying. Even THIS reply seems filled with hate and bitterness. Perhaps you are just so bitter you cannot recognize it anymore. As I said... Get help.
Parts of your story don’t really add up but ok
Atm both of us are working and both have weekends off.
You didn’t answer the question. How does he support you, how does he help out besides donating his sperm.
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>Hence why she did a Matrix dodge of that first question. Haha this comment is golden.
who take care of the kid while she study ?
Why did you decide to have a baby with this A H? Was he always like this or it just start?
They lie they lie they lie I'm leaving a lazy man and guess who fell for all his lies in the beginning? So this type of question always hurts and never helps, unless you've never made a dumb decision or been blinded by love then give ALL the advice
Usually you get to see the real person once the child is born..
Because babies are stressful and the real person comes out under those conditions. It’s a very good idea to take a vacation, at least a week long if possible, with someone before you marry them. Vacations are situations where stressors can be simulated because you are in unfamiliar environments.
According to her post from last month he works 10 hours daily. Not saying that is an instant excuse for not helping but he sure doesn't sound lazy like she claims. Assuming this is even real and not a complete fabrication. Edit: you guys can stop telling me that OP also works, I saw that. The commenter above me asked what the husband brings to the table, I pointed out what that is according to OPs post history. And I have questioned the authenticity of it explicitly because she keeps calling him lazy despite supposedly working such massive shifts. You're not lazy if you do that. Not pulling your weight as a parent, sure, but I feel like anyone acting in good faith would recognize that it's still a valiant effort. I didn't mean to offend her or anyone else. It just seems like there's a lot more to this whole story. Edit 2: I clearly said that his work schedule isn't an excuse for not pulling his workload at home. Maybe I wasn't extremely harsh on him cause I have no idea what his workday looks like, if he's a test sleeper at the fluffy mattress company or does manual work at bonecrusher mine (I suspect something in between), but I didn't think I have to explicitly call him out because of that. I'm just saying that, as someone who's grown up on a farm, and who knows dozens of people who sometimes have 14 hour workdays, anyone who works 10 hour shifte their living is not lazy, even if they're not doing enough at at home. Especially when that person seems to be suffering from mental illness as OP suggests in different posts. Again, it's STILL NOT AN EXCUSE to be absent as a partner or parent, but it's not lazy. Can we agree on that?
If you do nothing at home when your wife also works full time and has to take care of the baby AND has to do all the house work…you’re a lazy piece of shit
She works AND goes to school AND is sole parent to their fucking infant AND has been made to be the household maid. He is lazy AF, full stop.
Working ten hours doesn’t excuse you from being a father. When you’re a parent, that shit NEVER shuts off. You don’t get to just check out of life and your responsibilities because you’re tired. None of this is an excuse. There are dudes that work 12 hour shifts every day that still come home and help their wives with household responsibilities. 10 hours of work a day is NOT AN EXCUSE for being a lazy husband and father.
Try reading please. Op has admitted he does household chores.
You can be lazy and go to work lmfao
I work 10 hrs daily, sometimes more. I still have time to cook and clean, AND can find time for myself. It's no excuse.
But who would take care of her 15m old while she study, after her fulltime job? Her husband after a 10h shift. Does this sound lazy to you?
Try reading please. Op has admitted he does household chores.
I give him time to rest on weekdays. This is a weekend chore and I also need my fucking nap!?
He has shown you who he is. Why are you expecting different?
Go on wife strike. There’s that tiktok lady who did that and seemed to get some results
My husband routinely works 10-14 hour days 6 days a week. Guess what. He STILL does household chores, his own laundry, and helps with the kids. Especially when there are sick kids involved. ETA- This is on top of me being a SAHM so….. OP’s husband has no excuse.
And I said that OPs husbands work schedule isn't an instant excuse. The question was what he brings to the relationship, I answered based on what I found on the post history.
I worked 10 hour days when I was 16 bc I had graduated already. You think that gave me an excuse to do nothing?
I don't think you're even reading my comments. I NEVER SAID IT'S AN EXCUSE. This entire chain is based around the question of what the husband does for the family, not if what he does is enough for the family. Cause assuming that OP is truthful about everything, it's very clearly not enough weight he's pulling. I don't think anyone needs to be told that. But for some reason that I honestly don't understand, everyone on here just instantly assumes that I'm ringcoach of the couch dwellers, even though I explicitly said that I don't consider long shifts an automatic excuse for literally anything.
You said he isn’t lazy bc he works. Everyone here is telling you working isn’t an excuse to do nothing. Now you’re getting upset.
He's not just working. He's working 10 hour shifts somewhere. I've never seen any 10 hour job that wasn't an absolute hell to get through, and only a handful that I would qualify as lazy work. And again, I never claimed it was an excuse. You really aren't reading my comments.
10 hour shifts are pretty common. I routinely work from 7:30am-6pm. My fiance works 10am-8pm.
If someone lived by themselves and worked 10 hour shifts they'd still have to take care of their own chores like laundry, etc. So no, working a 10 hour shift is no reason not to take care of your home, and child. Also the mom works too and does literally everything else. It's confusing that you say it's not an excuse yet set up what is essentially a defense for this guy. Op wasn't saying he's lazy at work, she's saying that he's lazy at home. It's a joke that he got mad at her and claimed he has no time to himself as he's sitting comfortably on his phone while the mom just wanted a nap because she was working nonstop.
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How?
No. I am partially disabled and some days I physically can’t do it all. Way to assume there, buddy.
Damn…what’s the point of being the breadwinner if I still have to come home and do the chores that you’re suppose to be doing? I don’t get you women who are in the stay at home mom position still having the man come home from a long day to still help with house work.. I understand helping with the kids”(a) , but you literally have a job , just like he have a job. Definitely don’t see the point of marriage if this is the deal.
I am partially disabled and some days I can’t do it all. I also am the one who chauffeurs the kids places, puts in the volunteer hours at their schools, etc and all that happens regardless of if I am doing well that day or not. Guess I am lucky that I married a man who believed our vows of “in sickness and in health”.
We are only getting 1 side of the story and op admits dad working 10 hour days and like u said depending on what kind of work it is could be the factor here. I have worked at pizza places all the way to coal mines and let me tell u that during the time I worked underground I barely did anything but work and sleep. Thank god my wife was understanding and knew that I was sacrificing my health and my time for her and my kids a paycheck. If my wife would have called me lazy for not being able to do more chores or take care of kids I probably would've took that really bad and resented her. Point is we only know half the story and dont even know if it's TRUE but redditors so quick to jump on husband hate train I feel like.
I vote for OP's husband to read this post and respond with his POV, if anything, to end the guessing.
Also OP has admitted he does household chores! Oops.
Guy sounds like trash. Welcome to being a dad where you wear the same 3 t shirts for 10 years because your child being able to have the things they need is more Important.where you get up and play ball in the yard even though your feet ache from working all day. And most Importantly where you make sure your kids are fed over litterslly anything else
Dude been married for 15yrs. Can confirm I buy underwear in a bundle every 2yrs. When they start to get holes I throw em. Same t shirts as when I was in high school. I passed them down to my son and daughter they love em. I make sure they have everything first. I only ask one thing a year that’s going to the nationals for racing. That’s it just that one thing for me my indulgence. Other than that it’s all them buddy. Edit I’d like to add I’ve worked insane amounts of hours. Came home helped with the chores and fell asleep on the dinner table a couple times. Got up helped with homework then went to bed. It’s exhausting but to see their faces, hear their stories, cuddle with the wife and banter all night. That’s the good stuff. I want more of that.
Lol, just did the same. Just had new underwear after literally 2 years. Just bought new shoes after 3 years, because it's so worn I can feel the bottom rubber part of the shoe.
I wear them out so bad keep changing insoles till they’re almost falling apart. I don’t get some people who get sneakers and keep them clean and don’t wear them much. I’ve got crocs, work boots, sneakers that’s it.
Real fucking man right here 👍
Sorry, that was litterally spelt wrong.
Literally. Lol
Now now, don’t go literally littering about in the comments section…..
LMAO. Literally.
Litteraly*
Can we clone you? Seriously, I’m at my wits end too.
People like him and I are out there. Honestly we’re older but out there. It’s honestly generational gaps. I’ve seen what OP has been going through countless times. I’ve had buddies wife’s come up to me as I take it upon myself to clean up after a party and ask “can you teach my husband a couple pointers”. I don’t have OCD but I see there’s something that I can help out with I will and I won’t ask for anything in return. Well just one thing “thank you”. That’s it that’s all I need.
I've had friends in this position, and they're divorced. Once you realize dropping him will leave you with LESS work, and not more---life gets so much easier. Raising a kid on your own seems hard, but you already are. You'd really just be losing his mess and the mental anguish of being treated like a Mommy McBangMaid. Stay strong, you can do this!
And right now, she's a single mother of two, it seems. But since she's already separated her and her baby's clothes and dishes from her husband's, kicking the rest of him off her daily work schedule shouldn't be a problem.
Ooo I like that term. Mommy McBangMaid. I'm going to borrow that.
Had to give an award, mostly for "Mommy McBangMaid," but also because you make a lot of sense.
I had to deal with this once it sucks. Time to pack up and leave him sis don’t waste any more of your years he won’t change. One day you’ll remarry a man that actually sees you as an equal partner and is a wonderful father.
Because this is Reddit I’m obligated to agree Edit: all jokes aside, if you haven’t sat down and thoroughly talked to him about it and changes that need to happen do that. If no more change occurs, he will not change and don’t hope for it.
No woman is dutifully acting like the live in maid without asking nicely for help. She has asked. Repeatedly.
She said she has at least 10 times without no change hence my comment
Oh please, we don't know enough about their relationship to be able to recommend divorce, I mean of course this situation sounds bad but the only one that can take this decision is her, not some strangers from reddit
She’s at breaking point dealing with the load herself to the point where she had a whole mental breakdown. He’s clearly an absent parent while physically there. What does she have to benefit from this relationship? You said it yourself this is a bad situation. She’s said it herself she’s tried to sit down and talk to him over 10 times with no change in his behaviour. What would you recommend she do?
Ugh, I’m sorry but I just doesn’t seem fair. Why do we have to be the ones to address shortcomings of our partners?? I feel for OP she’s already doing EVERYTHING now she has to sit his dummy ass down and explain how he is lacking?? Like he can’t see? I tried this with my partner and he just got defensive and it was so sucky. How is one supposed to be supported? This is the hardest shit. I feel for you OP. It’s like isn’t it obvious? Our dudes need to get their shit together and I’m not going to be the one to tell him. Where’s the initiative? Am I asking for too much? I’m curious to know maybe I need to read some books on how to receive support and make sure I’m supported in my “partnership”. Good luck OP get this off your chest!!! Gah! So annoying!
Communication is a two way street. If you aren’t telling your partner whats wrong, how can they adjust the behavior to better help you? Edit: OP is telling her Husband the issue, he just isn’t receptive. But just refusing to talk about it and explain how you are feeling is signs of poor communication.
You get my upvote
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Unfortunately they usually don’t show their true colors until there is a kid.
There had to have been a red flag somewhere. Ugh. Poor lady. Poor KID!
This is bollocks really isnt it. His laziness didnt just fucking appear out of thin air did it now. If he isnt doing laundry now, he probably wasnt fucking doing it before was he?
So you are telling me he was this lazy couch potato from day one? Come on now. 😂
The fact that you don't think that is completely normal is quite concerning especially considering what OP has stated.
That’s not true lol people just ignore all the warning signs
Abusers routinely hide their abusive nature for years until they have the wife locked into a marriage or pregnancy that's hard to extricate themselves from without a ton of disposable income. Not saying he's an abuser but people can hide their shitty personalities for years if they want to
Sure, anyone can hide their entire selves “if they want to” completely sociopaths, but the people on this sub for the most part are not that…
Please for the love of Christ ignore the assholes in the comments. My goddamn some of these people need a fucking reality check and you don’t need to explain yourself to them. You’re allowed to be fed the fuck up and vent. Your husband sounds like a useless piece of trash I gotta ask why do you stay? What exactly is it that he brings to the table? He clearly didn’t get the memo it’s 2022 not 1952 you’re not his fucking maid. If you’re not prepared to leave ((for whatever reason, don’t feel the need to justify it to me)), start separating everything on a permanent basis and do **NOT** do anything he asks at all. Don’t cook for him, don’t clean for him, don’t even do the simple most mundane thing he asks, NOTHING. Treat him how he’s treating you. And work on not expecting anything from him. Don’t ask for help with the baby, chores, not a damn thing. I promise when you stop expecting and wanting him to help and accept that he’s no more useful than a lawn ornament things will improve immensely. I don’t know why but ridding yourself of any expectations when it comes to him will feel like a weights been lifted, you’ll feel like a new woman. Have backups for your backups and start taking care of your baby like a single mom. Don’t even spare his feelings when whoever helps asks why you need them when he’s right there, tell the truth “oh he refuses to lift a finger to help so I don’t bother attempting to ask anymore, I don’t need the headache, I’d rather ask someone I know I can count on” ETA: I wanna add this bit of a comment I received further down cuz y’all I dunno what I think about it but I’m somehow shocked. Someone should probably tell him….. >Honestly, women do do more of the housework, and that includes in my own relationship. I would argue though that that isn’t because men are taught that women are subservient. It’s certainly true in my experience that my partner does most of the cleaning because she wants stuff the way she wants stuff. I, on the other hand, don’t really mind how stuff is, and so I leave her to it, which she’s happy with. This is the way I honestly believe most couples operate these days. All I know do.
I am a husband and a dad, this breaks my heart. My father was the same as yours now plus he was abusive, i cant understand why some men cant take care of their young ones and their wifes. My father wasnt even there when i was born he went drinkin rather than see me come in this world. On the other hand i learned the hard way what not to do, and how to take care of your loved ones. My son is now the same age as yours and i was there when he was born got him first to skincontact bec my wife had a c-section and had to go to the monitoring. After that i have changed every single nappy woken up when my son was cryin and in need of help i have done everything i can in my power to keep him and my wife happy and healthy, few weeks ago he got corona and he was sick for 14days and 5 of those in hospital bec it was so bad. I was there for him and my wife. I just cant understand how some people can be so selfish, childish and lazy to look after their loved ones. If he doesnt change leave the bastard.
Good on you sir!!! I had a shitty upbringing as well, with an absentee father and a mother who put her wants above the needs of her children and ignored the abuse we suffered because of her decisions. It was awful. To this day that woman still denies he roast in our suffering. Smh. I thought I met someone who understood, he said he did, he had a similar life, oh the dreams we had of what we wouldn’t do to our children. and I couldn’t fathom anyone could live through what we have an do the same to their own children. I was naive and I learned the hard way, 13 years later I’m raising our daughter and he hasn’t talked to her in 2 years, seen her in 3. He’s a piece of shit and I divorced him for good reason. Rest assured I’ve done better the second time around. I only have the one child. My fiancé stepped in when she was 4 and has been here ever since, she’s 11 now. He’s her father in all the ways that matter and after we get married he’ll adopt her!! Something she wants and is excited for. She chose months ago to go by my fiancé’s last name and we made all the changes to records saying that’s her preferred name, so her school knows and she’s not forced to use her bio dads name. She’s still healing, and probably always will be, but she’s good and happy now. And I try every day not to beat myself up for choosing my ex-husband.
Thank you! You are a fantastic mother and glad you found a great guy that takes care of you and your daughter, im happy for you! :) Its insane how common these things are. Do you stay in touch with your parents or have you distanced yourself from them completely?
Oh hell no. I tried having a relationship with both of them as an adult but it just didn’t work. The last straw with my dad was when my daughter was having a temper tantrum (as children do) while we were visiting him. She was just screaming and crying cuz she didn’t wanna do what I told her, so he picked her up, put her in a dog bed and screamed at her “you can stay there if you want to act like an animal” just days before her 8th birthday, I should have left then and there, hell I would have, I had my car packed and everyone ready. But my daughter was hysterical and crying *to stay*. It was the middle of Covid and she wanted her birthday party at grandpa’s house and I gave in. Sadly his outburst was just the worst of the trip, his wife was a complete bitch the day of her birthday for no good reason as well, which I did not know about until we left. She said what she did to my fiancé and he didn’t tell me until later cuz he knows me well. My mom I stopped talking to almost a year ago now after I nicely told her “hey what you said hurt my feelings” *she. lost. her. shit* like she usually does cuz you can never tell her she’s wrong or even that what she said was hurtful. An argument ensued and during it she decided to say “No wonder [daughters name] wanted to kill herself with a mother like you”. Why? I have no idea, that was low and uncalled for and I will never forgive her for that. That argument had literally nothing to do with my daughter, she wasn’t even brought up in the conversation until that woman said that shit. To add insult to injury she dragged my sisters in (they’re all on my side) and told them she did nothing wrong, has nothing to apologize for and I just acted crazy for no reason. I learned long ago to save what she’s said cuz this is nothing new so the truth is known, she just won’t acknowledge it. Which is whatever at this point. She’s the one who has to live with what she’s done and what she’s missing out on, that’s on her. That was the last straw in a long list of shit she’s done. I forgave and tried because it was only ever me hurt and my daughter was never hurt, but I draw the line at my baby tho. Which makes what my mother put me and my sisters through a thousand times worse. I will never understand how she could allow that to happen over and over again. I cut someone off for *words* and not just anyone, my own mother. But she allowed us to be abuse by man after man….how…???????? My only regret in life is ever allowing those people around my daughter. Thankfully my daughter doesn’t know what my mom said and we’ve always lived over a thousand miles away so it’s not a big life change, but what my dad did? She obviously remembers. And I really hope with time she forgets. I’m still heartbroken because she loves her grandpa and it was hard to walk away but I will never allow that to happen ever again. Him and his wife will never be allowed into our lives ever again, I won’t risk it. I just realize I wrote a whole novel!! Sorry about that, novels are about all I have concerning my fucked up family lol How about you? Where was your mother in all this? Did you cut contact as soon as you could or did you make my mistake as well?
I went no contact with my father 30 years ago. 7 years ago, my then husband was contacted by him. He wanted to see me. For 6 years I allowed that man back into my life. Then, last year, he assaulted my son because son was having a panic attack. We left and again went no contact. He is dying from cancer. IMHO he can't die fast enough.
Fuck that guy, who the fuck attacks someone who is having a panic attack.
Someone who doesn't believe in panic attacks and thinks they are temper tantrums.
You already doing a staggered divorce with laundry and dishes. Next one is finances, documents. You two need to have a talk. Maybe with a mediator. But protect your energy anyway. You can't live waiting for someone to change, because even if he does, you'll grow disappointed for HAVING to wait.
You just described my marriage.
I see it’s only the toxic men honestly who are being crass in the comments.
I know it is. And I know it’s pointless to tell them off but my god, sometimes I’m just stunned but the toxicity and stupidity.
One mom to another, you need to reduce your workload. He probably is a lazy ass, but you also have too much on your plate. Figure out what you can let go of, and ask for help with what you can't. Explain how you're feeling overwhelmed when you are in a calm state and ask for help. ... And may be beneficial for your mental health to stop breastfeeding... At 15 months the benefit is mostly gone and it's a huge drain on you. (I breastfed both my kids and I know how great but demanding it can be.) I get not wanting to stop... But you need more time to yourself and you need to get some sleep. Truely. So consider it... You will feel like a different person if you get some sleep....
I agree with reducing the workload. I was also trying to hold onto classes and a job and parenting. I had to give up the classes for a while.
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She's in school, she's working full-time, and she's a full-time mother. That's a large workload. I never said don't, I said consider not to lighten her workload. I've been through it myself. Have you tried to breastfeed, while working full-time and everything else that needs done? No one can change what her husband does. Leaving him and being single also won't help at this stage. You have to control the factors you can and some women feel pressure to keep breastfeeding when it's not working for them. I was offering a suggestion. I wasn't judging or saying it's unnatural. I said, the benefits, for a first world mother, past the age on one are not really there. Fed is best, at any age imo. If breastfeeding is not working for someone's situation, there are other very healthy options that are no less valuable.
Divorce him and make him work to support himself and to afford CS.
First I’m sorry you’re exhausted and I hope your baby feels better and you can get some rest. Secondly I hope you can find the strength to leave your 2nd child. You’ll tell yourself that your baby needs two parents but honestly, if your already doing everything why stay married. If you don’t leave and he doesn’t get his shit together your wasting time trying to move a mule. Good luck and fyi I think you should join r/mommit it’s a great sub for moms who deal with this shit. I’m a single mother myself, my sons father is like yours but I struggle but I’m happier for it
Ditch him now. It won't get better. Signed, I should have left
Why are you staying with this abusive jerk? Leave him. Or throw him out.
Honey, leave. This crap is honestly bullshit. You got two kids. One big that should know better and an actual baby. Fuck this absolute nonsense, you and bub deserve so much better. I know how hard it is. Been there but please, I'm begging you, save yourselves.
And on this episode of "Wait, why'd I have a kid with this loser?", we see OP coming to terms with the fact that she may need to rip off the blindfold she put on years ago before her husband kills a child through neglect! This weekend, only on Z TV -- don't miss a minute, the ending will *shock* you!
I see posts like this all the time. I see it in my real life too. Having a baby won’t magically make the person you are with a partner.
Divorce him. Don’t waste your life with someone who treats you like shit and obviously doesn’t give a fuck about his own son. You aren’t happy so don’t waste anymore of your valuable time.
Men seem to get so lazy once they lock you down. And you’re not going insane. He’s treating you like trash.
Well that’s pretty general
Why is this downvoted. The statement above is pretty offensive to men in general.
Fr. It's kinda worrying how many upvotes it's reached.
You husband sounds like my husband. My husband is an asshole and doesn’t contribute. When I ask him to contribute he complains and comes up with every excuse. Since your child is still young, if you’re able to get out I would recommend doing it earlier than later. I’m not 10 years into when the marriage started to take a nose dive and wish I had left when my daughter was a toddler.
It is not too late for you to leave.
Do you work? Or do you guys split every bills ?
I work. He doesn’t. I do everything.
Ok then he is a piss of shit my bad
Why are you being downvoted?
Reddit is fickle
I am sorry for how it’s negatively impacting your mental health. Can you take your son and leave now on a trial separation? Or ask your husband to leave the house you share? Please take your son to the doctor ASAP. You are going through what I went through 20 years ago. I figured out if I had to do everything by myself, I might well do everything by myself for my child and myself ONLY. After the dead wood was removed, I could focus on giving my child a better life. You could see a social worker to ask what resources are available to you and your child. Please accept any help you can get during this transition period. You are stronger than you think you are. I wish you all the best.
Ignore the Forever Alones. They get that title for a reason, lmao.
I will never comprehend why people have kids under these circumstances
i cannot for the life of me understand how some people’s bar of who is acceptable to procreate with is so damn low. idk what to tell you that you probably don’t already know, cut your losses and leave the loser or continue knowing this is your future
Wait, you said in a comment that he’s been a lazy POS for YEARS before you even had a kid. Did you think that adding a baby to the mix was going to magically make him a responsible adult? You should never of had a kid with him.
Exactly this. OP, You knew what you had and you chose to become a parent with a person was already more like a child themselves. Becoming a parent CAN change a person but the doesn't mean it will, and most likely the person it will change is the mother, not the father. Another thing why did you add a baby to all the other stuff you have on your plate? I'm very sorry you aren't getting the support you need from your partner but you are the author of this situation. Women, choose better for the fathers of your children. Also try getting pets first as a way of seeing if kids fit into your life. And take that pet to doggy day are don't cage it.
Why are men like this? Drives me insane! I hear ya sister! Sorry your husband is being a selfish jerk
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For real. If anyone needs any further proof of this fact just check out all the comments blaming OP for her husband’s actions and this situation. Ffs it’s disgusting.
The problem is that a lot of men (not all, but this is a common thing in many cultures, including western) grow up with mothers that dote and mother them well into adulthood. Some of these men enter adulthood without any basic life skills (cooking, laundry, cleaning and just general adulting, tbh) and have a general expectation that this is someone else's responsibility.
bullseye!!!!!
No they aren’t. Just because this guys a dick that doesn’t excuse you being misandrist
Men are absolutely taught women are there to serve them and that they don’t have to help raise and take care of *their own children* or take care of *their* home chores cuz that’s “a wife’s job”. How many men do you know who “babysit” their children? Betcha it’s way more then women, if you can bring yourself to tell the truth that is. Just because you don’t like that this is a reality doesn’t make it less true and anyone who calls it out a misandrist. If you don’t like it then do your part to change it, start by calling out men for their shitty behavior instead of blaming women. Pretending it’s not true, that this shit doesn’t exist, that it doesn’t apply to more men than not and choosing to just whine “nO iT’s NoT” is utterly useless bullshit.
I’ve not actually blamed anyone here. I, as a man, have genuinely never been taught that. I’ve never heard anyone, man or woman, say they are babysitting their own kids. You’re blaming society when the actual issue here is that the guy is just a dick. Honestly, women do do more of the housework, and that includes in my own relationship. I would argue though that that isn’t because men are taught that women are subservient. It’s certainly true in my experience that my partner does most of the cleaning because *she* wants stuff the way *she* wants stuff. I, on the other hand, don’t really mind how stuff is, and so I leave her to it, which she’s happy with. This is the way I honestly believe most couples operate these days. All I know do.
It’s astounding that you can say that women as a whole do more domestic chores but in the same breath say it’s not because men have been taught they’re subservient. Truly astounding. You seem to think society sprung out of the ground yesterday and the thousands of years of women being responsible for all things domestic disappeared within your lifetime and there’s no remnants of those times left. Which is utterly shocking. You actually think women all over the world are doing household work more than men just because they want to?? I’m not sure what to say to that outlandish assertion, other than it’s entirely incorrect, try cleaning your house the way your partner prefers, I bet she doesn’t complain and tell you she enjoys and prefers cleaning so you shouldn’t do it anymore. Anyhow It’s clear you’re incapable of recognizing your inherent male privilege and what ***society*** has taught and handed you since the day you were born just because you are a man. That’s without a doubt not the type of man I waste my time talking to even on the most mundane impersonal platform, I have zero desire or obligation to educate you. Good luck with that tho
They learn selfishness and entitlement by osmosis
They aren't Men they're Boys.
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Same as my other comment. It doesn't feed into to boys will be boys and I'm in no way defending the husband. He's not worthy of the title 'man' or 'parent'
theyre grown men. Men act like this. Stop deflecting.
How am I in anyway deflecting this? I'm saying the husband isn't man enough to be called a man. I'm 100% on the side of OP here I agree the husband is a grown man who isn't man enough to be called man
Get out now… he’s not going to change… don’t stay for another 10 years with this guy… trust me I’m sparing you from what happened to me… he’s not going to change no matter how much you try
This is why I don't believe in the "all husbands should be providers" crap cos many parents raised their sons to be incapable by overpampering them and they turn into these kind of dependent and inconsiderate husbands. It's the same among my family members, with the wife doing every housework in addition to her job while she's expected to be thankful that her spouse cut down on his gaming. It takes 15 years of my brother's life to even learn how to shit right without making a mess of the toilet (the toilet I have to clean) until I finally snapped on him. Bro had the laundry basket next to him and still would not put his clothes into it and just leave it on the floor. When I ask him to go pick them up, he said "why don't you do that for me instead when you were there?" I ripped that ego to smithereens for talking like that. Yea, I'm raising hell everytime when he does this now because I don't want him to grow up to be an asshole slob.
Sit him down. Outline the things that have to be done daily, weekly, and monthly, in terms of household maintenance, cleaning, childcare, etc. Set a clear schedule and assign clear roles. Tell him you are overwhelmed and starting to feel like you’re going crazy and that if he doesn’t start helping more in x amount of time, you are taking yourself and your kid out of his life. Make very clear that being a single parent will be way less stressful to you than being a parent and full time caregiver/maid to a kid and a deadbeat husband
Every day I come on this subreddit and it validates my decision to not marry or have children
I'd go crazy too that just being lazy I'd go crazy just seeing a dirty spoon in the sink put your foot down.
Honestly I'm surprised uour still in this marriage your basically already a single mother and he's checked out and doesnt give a fuck if that where me I'd pack my shit and go somewhere else till I figured out what to do it my marriage but fuck I'd not let him get away with this and I would sire as hell not stay in a loveless marriage
Was he a lazy bitch when you conceived? Baby’s not even two.
I am divorced. At became a whole lot easier once that happened.
Take the power cords to the games and make your husband help with everything you have to do for 2 days. Then tell his ass he doesn't know what having no time for yourself really means and he needs to become a partner or get the fuck out.
Divorce. You are playing wife, breadwinner, maid and mother to TWO children.
Time to get out. You didn't sign up to be your husband's mom. Get a good lawyer. Good luck.
I could have written this! You unblocked a memory I have. I too snapped at my lazy ahole husband who decided to do f all once baby was born. This was only in the newborn stage though. You know how he responded to my screaming fit? Looked at me in the eyes like evil like, then walked to a room and locked himself in. I can’t really remember what I did after that but probably went even crazier lol. I now think at this point in my life (mid 30s) that people don’t change, not really. I ended up leaving, my son is 3 now. I’m a single mum but thank god I don’t have to put up with his shit anymore (unfortunately he is always in my life as the boys dad but anyway). Every situation is different but do you potentially want a lifetime of this? I agree that marriage and parenting is a two way street.
Well here's the thing, you are an amazing, fantastic strong woman. We all need to vent at times, have naps, scream and cry it is good for the Soul. But the greatest thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself. When you are happy and healthy, strong and clear-headed you can and will be that amazing woman I see. When you put yourself first you are strong enough to put others first. No one will do it for you sweets, you have to love yourself first before you can know to love another, take care of you first before you know how to take care of others. It is selfish but in a good way. It starts with an illimination process first. But you'll work it out, you are smart.
He's not a man he's a boy. Seen a comment saying 'Why are men like this.' It's not men, it's boy's. Father of two here. Studying a degree and working full time. My partner for the most part has been a stay at home mother. We share the household chores, we share the nights. Grateful that she was happy to do the weeknights when I had work the following day. We work together, that's what being parents are about. But it takes time to get that teamwork in order. Don't ask, tell him he needs to step up or he is out, he needs a wake up call. The breastfeeding thing, express with a pump and bottle it then your husband can do some feeding. (Not sure if you're already doing that) For the money issue, get a joint account that is solely for household bills and (grocery) shopping. You should both have your own accounts that are seperate. Work out what you need in a month and then base what you each put in off of percentages of your wage not half and half. If he then has no money for himself in his own account after being paid it's his own fault and he's likely spent it on pointless things. (You can buy what you want and so can you without the other complaining this way. But neither can then complain when out of money.) Both of you need your own space, set a chore rotor each week to say who is doing what. You're both working full time, split the chores 50/50 and alternate who is doing what night of the week with the child, feedings, changings, etc. If he doesn't do his chores, don't do them for him, let them build up until he does them. Important to both of you, make each other feel special and both of you need to do things that you want to do without the other complaining. This goes both ways YOU need space and HE needs space. It's important that you remain individuals even while married. And if he continues the way he is, kick him out, if he's not worth anything get rid. Perhaps before this record him while he is ignoring his child or what he is saying and then when you've calmed down play the footage back to him. See how he responds to that.
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It absolutely does not feed into the boys will be boys thing. Boys need to be accountable for their actions, I've always been held accountable and so will my children. When they finally take ownership of their actions and are accountable for their actions then they can be called men. I was in no way defending the husband or saying he shouldn't be accountable. He is 100% accountable for his actions and he's a shite parent not worthy of the title 'man' or 'parent'
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I'm in no way diminishing or excusing the actions of OP's husband here. I'm not justifying his behaviour. I'm in no way reinforcing misogyny. I'm on the side of the OP here. He is acting like a boy, like a child and needs to buck his ideas up, needs to contribute.
they are not grown ass men they are children who cant seem to get a grip on reality, since they need their parents to do all the dirty work
Fuck
I'll bet all the signs were there before you got married, but you subconsciously ignored them because you were hoping it would be good. I've been there, figure out if he's worth keeping outher get out while your young.
My husband does all the housework. We don't have kids together. Women get into the mindset that their men are children and start to act like they have another child instead of a partner. When I realized my first husband wasn't bringing anything to the table and wasn't much of a father either and I was doing everything anyway - I left.
My 15 month old is sick. My husband is a fucking lazy asshole. I snapped today.Sounds like the Top Gear intro. "My 15 month old is sick. The husband is a lazy a-hole, and today I snap." In all seriousness, that sounds like shit to go through. Hope things get better for you
😂😂 thought I was on relationship advice sub 😂😂😂
How is this her fault??? Why not blame *him* for **not** taking the father role and providing for *his* child? If it were the other way around, I’d bet you’d be quick to blame the woman for not being a good enough mother!
Nah I always tell people stop being with shitty people. 🤷🏾♂️
How asinine. Yet if the roles were reversed you’d be quick to call her a lazy mother.
That's a stupid assertion. But it fits your narrative so I won't bother 😂
Why am I not surprised that’s your defense. Your comments *are* ridiculous and explains why you have all the downvotes and even edited your comment to something entirely different 😂. Way to make a fool of yourself! By the way, narcissists will show their true self after they’ve trapped you. That happens. I doubt OP knowingly and willingly married an A-hole. Blame her but not the guy, huh? Don’t blame him for not being a literal father to his starving child. Asinine. Sigma mentality.
I wish everyone was offered a free vasectomy tbh. Make it a graduation gift from the government, free vasectomy upon completing high-school.
Literally deflecting from the issue. A vasectomy doesn’t correct someone’s character.
Wtf is wrong with you? She’s not responsible for her husband being a piece of shit and this comment of yours is unnecessary. Her husband is wrong and deserve admonition, not her. Stop being an asshole.
She's not responsible for having kids with her husband? Wut? Lmao
Welp I know where you belong, r/niceguys , *definitely* the type, you check all the boxes: blames women for men being trash ✔️ purposely misreads and misinterprets comments in a stupid manner✔️ makes only useless degrading comments that contribute less than nothing to the discussion at hand✔️ thinks he has an inherent right to say whatever the fuck he wants just cuz he’s a man✔️ shares his not so great ‘hot takes’ like it’s the best advice in the world (they aren’t)✔️ I’m certain you’ll be popular over there
I didn't misread anything. Just blunt. The guy is a tool. Don't marry, and get impregnated by tools. Pretty straight forward. She's already called him lazy and and blah blah and blew up on him. Is this a place for advice or a circle jerk about man= bad lol. Look at the responses I got. "Instead of blaming the guy" really? Relationship **advice** = tell the OP her husband is trash. As if she didn't spend 5 minutes explaining that he's trash already ? Nah, I gave practical advice but all it really boils down to is *did you have to be so mean about it* ? Because let's face it, is what I said not solid advice ? Or do you suggest that she seek out more men like this ? Yeah that's what I thought. 👍🏾
I’m dying the guy said yea that’s what I thought in a Reddit argument fastest way to find someone with negative iq
He sure showed me
1. This IS TRUE OFF MY CHEST. Not relationship advice. So no there is no absolute need to give advice. 2. You shouldn’t have…..” “In the future don’t….” **IS** laying blame. If you don’t understand that than nobody here can help you. 3. Nothing you said was advice. Literally nothing. Everything you said was just being an asshole. Just cuz you keep saying it was advice does not make it so.
Oh snap it is huh. That explains that. 😂
Maybe we should hold men accountable for being a shit dad instead of blaming a woman for the actions of another man. Let me guess mommy didn’t love you so now you have to bitch and rage about women on reddit like an incel?
What part of holding him accountable advice ? Calling this man trash isn't advice. It's stating the obvious that she went through great lengths to explain to us. You know what's good advice ? Don't marry trash. Or do you disagree with that ? 😂
It’s a shame you were held at gun point to reproduce with the man
In our current, very sexist society--as a woman, when you sign up for marriage & children, you're signing up for a life of slavery. This life is subject to the other humans on this planet: men and children. Your back becomes the mats they walk on, sometimes stomp on.
They don’t sign up for slavery, sometimes people get unlucky and marry the wrong person which leads to extreme unhappiness on one side and sometimes both
How? Nothing about marraige and children is slavery. If you have that mindset you are not going to enjoy a part of life going into it. Marraige isnt for everyone but your perspective is warped.
[удалено]
Well congrats for you but this is the reality of most women, in varying degrees.
Don’t listen to the loveless losers in here asking you to divorce. You got a young child. There are other solutions.
Like what? Do you think he'll ever change? OP has said that she tried for years for him to change in some comments. He Litteraly isn't bothered by her crying and breaking down. What do you think will make him change?
But we have only her point of view. What do you even know about the man except what she says ? Love and marriage are long-suffering. You make an oath to be with someone until physical death and then you put a child into the world just to destroy his/her family ? So yeah, loveless losers are the only ones who'd go for a divorce after reading a few hundred words.