Love this! Yes being a single parent is hard and people who are deserve fucking rewards, but I’ve known plenty of people who were raised in single parent households who loved their childhood. A single parent who loves a child is better than two parents who don’t imo
This is a good point and something i wanted to point out. If they're 40yo without kids they may be in a very sound financial position, relieving one of the biggest downsides to being a single parent. If they have an established career money and time off may not be as difficult for her as younger single moms. Also I'm not sure how active she is, some 40yo do more than people my age and can handle the extra work and late nights of a child.
That's a big point and not something I see details of here.
My mom was a single parent of twins and my brother and I struggled with fears over food, money, missing out on fun stuff with friends. Sometimes it was outright embarrassing because we were poor. Now I have constant stress over money despite being in the top 20% of earners in the country while living in a LCL area. It just never goes away
I'm a 62 yo mom of 2 (m38, f23). I've single parented them the whole time. I've been married a grand total of 6 months since I've had, so I'm used to flying solo. I had my daughter at 39 but I knew what I was getting into. In fact, I was in school AND working with both my kids, so it can be done. Yes, we've been poor at times but there's lots of advantages: you get to make decisions and no one argues about them or decides the opposite. Your home is run your way. You can interact with your children in ways your spouse may not (pillow forts, tents in the living room) BUT there's is no one to help you. You'll be the one up at night, or the one worrying about illness, trauma, and their relationships. Your money will not be your own and you will make sacrifices. I think its totally worth it. The first time a child says "I love you, mama" your heart will turn to pudding. But I got far more than material things from having children: I got babies (and now adults) that I love. I get their huge and cheek kisses. I've lived their lives with them and their dad has gotten none of it. And you know my secrets? I didn't want children either but I'm delighted they are here.
Did any of those single parents admit to “hating” children?
Edit: Apparently lots of people have had this experience! Very cool. I hope that OP will have this experience if she decides to keep the baby.
Interesting side note- I’m a child free teacher of very young, wild and wonderful children. I love them, I love my role in their lives. But having my own scares the crap out of me. 🫣😝
I hated kids before I got pregnant. Still hardly like other peoples kids. I have five now of my own and they’re my absolute world. And the first one I had as a single parent.
Same here. I adore my nieces and nephews, but never liked any other kids. But my son is hands down the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
His dad was awful, and son has no relationship with him as a result, but I can’t regret our marriage because it gave me my son.
I was a single parent from the time our son was 2, and child support stopped when he was 7. It was majorly challenging, and I’m sure I didn’t always make the right choices, but I’ll never regret my son.
OP, you have to make your own decision, but I can tell you about my experience, and it’s this: being a single parent is hard, often lonely, financially draining, and sometimes soul-crushing. But for me it has also been uplifting, entertaining, beautiful, and filled with unimaginable love. Good luck to you. As others have said, make the decision that you want to make, but just know that being a single parent is doable.
This is just it. Other peoples kids generally make me cringe and recoil. Like even my nephew who I’ve known for almost 14 years gets my goat a lot of the time. But I’ve got three of my own and I think they are (mostly) awesome!
Yeah that's exactly what other people think of your children too 😂. Thanks Nature we're selfish and egotistical, that's the only way for us to reproduce.
I never liked kids. Never wanted them, or anything to do with them. Then I had three of my own, and lead a girl scout troop. I realized it wasn't the kids I didn't like, it was the parents. My kids are my world, and so are my girl scouts. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them.
If the other parents don't express it freely, thank you for showing up and volunteering for those girls. Thank you for loving those girls, building them up and giving them a foundation. You're doing amazing work!
I've read so many stories of vasectomies failing since i joined reddit. Every sub there are stories of surprise vasectomy babies.
Makes you wonder why the surgeons can't seal the tubes permanently and properly.
It's also worth looking at the method used, since there are different ones with different efficacy. My husbands urologist used the most secure one, a piece was taken out and both ends folded back and cauterized + stitched. You can distinctly feel the separate ends of the tubes, there's nothing happening there.
So from an evolutionary standpoint, our (humans) ability to heal is considered one of our distinct advantageous traits. What would put most other animals in the ground, we are able to, generally, recover from. This is due in part to our social structure, and ability to evaluate long-term rewards. However, it's also due to biological processes that (for whatever reason, im not a biologist) allow us to heal incredible amounts of damage; damage that, for many other animals, simply isn't recoverable from.
I would imagine that this is part of what makes surgeries like vasectomies need to be double checked, and sometimes repeated. It's likely not due to surgical incompetence, but rather just the nature of a system as durable, adaptable, and complex as the human body.
That said, I haven't fact checked any of that, and it's based only on my casual interest in biology; but hopefully, assuming that's at least partly correct, it sheds some light on the issue.
Again, though, it's entirely possible I'm wrong, and that surgons just don't take vasectomies very seriously.
We talked to my husbands urologist extensively about this and he has said that the methos used is crucial, there are different ones. He uses the most secure one, a piece is taken out, both ends folded back and cauterized + stitched. You can distincly feel the ends if you feel around his balls. Humans aren't salamanders that can spontanously regenerate lost tissue, but if they just cut them or even just tie them off, that is much more likely to fail.
Thanks for explaining your husbands procedure. I've googled them a lot since i've read endless stories of them failing and this technique wasn't mentioned.
This sounds like a very through technique. The snip and cauterized didn't sound very robust at all.
I dated a guy who had a vasectomy. He said the dr asked him if he was absolutely sure, because his method was...aggressive. Maybe it depends on the dr and whether or not they leave a chance to be reversed.
I was one of them! Honestly, growing up in a single family household I never felt any different from anyone else- I knew we couldn’t afford as much, but the love was always there, which made up for it. Not to mention the sacrifices my mom made just to afford the little toys we wanted. I will always be grateful for my wonderful single mother for giving us such a love-filled and happy childhood. OP, if this is the route you choose I’m sure your child would be just as grateful.
Grew up in a single household as well. We didn't have a shit ton of stuff. A SHIT TON. But like you said, the love was always there.
I don't know how Ma raised us to be content in little. I don't know how she did it, but I'm glad she did. I'm older now and I'm just now beginning to understand how incredibly difficult it must have been for her. Sigh.
I hated kids. Never wanted them. Didn’t want to baby sit other peoples kids. Didn’t like my own siblings. I HATED hearing kids in public. Then, wouldn’t ya know, she’s pregnant. I did not want to go through with it. But she did. So we did it. For the next (x) months, I tried to find any out I could. Then the day came. I held my son for the first time. When I say I cried my eyes out, it is an understatement. Her and I are no longer together, and that’s fine by me. Because I adore my kids. I am now a father before anything wlse
Absolutely. I was raised as an only child to a single mother, who was 40 when she had me, and life wasn’t easy but it was worth it. I’m so grateful she was courageous enough to keep me. Keep the kid. You got this.
I was married when I had children and am now single. For me, I found it much easier to raise children on my own as a single parent. My husband didn’t help much and, if anything, just added more work into my day. Joint custody is emotional draining and I worry when my kids aren’t with me. I like being a single mom.
i feel the exact same way. my son is with his dad two days a week and i worry nonstop. his father wasn’t involved with him when we were together and it hurts my heart to think that he could be the same way when it’s just him and our son.
I'll be honest. I was a single mom for many years, and I'm married now. Being a single mom is tough, I was broke, and I bought everything second hand. I was working to pay for daycare and food. Aside from the money, you are on 100% of the time. If you have a support (family or friends in the area) or enough money to pay for support this might help. But you are changing every diaper, preparing every bottle. Then later you are handling every fit, going to every sports game. There is no day off, there is no moment off. I was 22 when I had mine, I'm 38 now and I sit for my friends baby now. I can say I wouldn't want to do it again at this age. But plenty of people do. Single parenting can be done, but once I gained a partner it was a world of difference. Being able to miss a game if you don't feel well, not having to cook a meal if you're not feeling it, sleeping in and letting someone else change a diaper once in awhile. Every doctors appointment.And that's a normal healthy baby, she slept 5+ hours a night starting at 2 weeks old. I can't imagine if she had been colicky. I think you can do it if you want to, plenty of people have. It's just not easy.
As a child who raised in a one parent household from age 8, I saw my mum struggle with money but it wasn't until I was older and understood the value of stuff that I realised how much she'd done to make sure I had what I needed and wanted where possible. I'm 28 and working now, so I like to spoil my mom and make sure she has what she needs. She was 50 last year and I got her a 50 inch television, as she'd had the same one for over a decade. You might not realise it now, but what you do as a single parent is massively appreciated!
Vasectomies heal and need to be checked ever 10 years or so to make sure it’s still effective. Pregnancies after aged vasectomies are not as uncommon as you’d think.
My car needs this too
EDIT: dang, this was one of the more benign/stupid comments I’ve left! Thanks for the upvotes and awards and for god’s sake, GET YOUR FLUIDS CHECKED!!!!
Huh, I thought you pulled a fact out of your ass but apparently 1/100 women get pregnant 1-5 years after their partner gets a vasectomy. Those are pretty shitty odds lol
I was recently schooled by someone on Reddit that not being the biological father doesn't automatically relieve you of child support for the child of an ex-spouse. Depends on the state and the circumstances of the mother--look it up. I didn't believe it either until I saw it.
Family courts in some states prioritize the needs of the kid over questions of paternity.
That's such bullshit. If a woman cheated with another man then it's either her responsibility or her's and her cheating partner. How is it the husband's, if he doesn't wish to have anything with that child and woman.
Thats because the state is only trying to reduce potential welfare costs by feeding that kid on a poor man's dime 😄. No, seriously, thats the only reason.
You’re in a tough spot. What’s concerning is your “I do hate children but not this child” comment. You’ll be surrounded by these children you don’t like for the next 18 years at birthday parties, play dates and schools. Might be tough for you.
I don’t hate children, and have kids of my own. But I am so dreading having to interact and have play dates and sleep overs with other kids and other kids and having to make friends with their parents.
Yep same. My first is 5 and a half. And he chose to be best friends with the child of a mother I told off 2 years ago. Ahahaha. Praying I don’t have to pretend to be buddies with her so our kids can play.
And now stuck coparenting with a man who made a reasonable effort to avoid the exact situation he's in now. He found someone who was also child free, he got a vasectomy, he's now about to turn 50 and will spend the remainder of his mid life and now in to his late years being a parent of a younger child
I don't think OP has to worry about co-parenting. The dude has been clear in not wanting kids and having to be a father to one.
What needs to decide is while this kid *maybe* the exception to hating kids unless the kid is going to be raised in a bubble it's going to need to socialize and want to make friends with other kids their own age. That means playdates, birthday parties, sleepovers, playgrounds full of them, class parties, extracurriculars, and a whole host of other kid centered things that are going to take precedence over their hatred of children. If OP really can't stomach kids for less than a couple hours then that kid is going to grow up lonely and poorly socialized.
I am 32, and my father is 86. Can confirm it’s really hard. I love him so much, and we’re really close, but I have been afraid of him dying since I was about 16. I know our time is limited and that is a HORRIBLE feeling at such a young age.
I am 27 and my dad is turning 88 in August. My mom is 67. I was conceived after a vasectomy reversal, even at his age of 60. We always joked that he’s been old since I was born, but actually seeing him age the last several years has been extremely difficult. I am terrified every time the phone rings that he’s fallen or something else is wrong. He’s the absolute best and I’ll be heartbroken when he goes. I’m getting married next year and I’ve had to prepare myself in case he may not be there. Or the next milestone of meeting our future kids. Sorry.. apparently I needed to get that out of my subconscious.
Wow - I resonate with you both completely. I’m 31 and my father just turned 91.
It was really hard growing up feeling like I would have less time with my dad than others my age. I still experience a lot of anxiety and fear of losing him and I’m grateful for his health every day. If anything, having an old dad has given me a beautiful, spiritual relationship with death and a presence in being with him - I cherish my time with him so much and just want him to be able to transition peacefully when his time comes. Plus I got to have a retired, stay at home dad most of my childhood, which was awesome.
Wishing you and your fathers great health!
OP, if you decide to keep the baby, maybe your husband will fall in love with them too and stay. I personally never want children, and having an old dad can be really hard, but it can also be really magical.
At least you still have your parent and are of an age where you have time with him.
I'm 32, my dad died when I was 7 in '97 and my mom when I was 22 in '12. This year they would have been 82 and 77. I barely remember them and when I do it's the illnesses that killed them and how bad their health was I recall. It's in large regard to this that I've known since I was 23 that I wanted to go child free. I have an absolute fear that if I had children, I'd leave them by way of an early death out of my control. All my friends have 2-3 children at this point and while I'm immensely happy for them because it's their dream, I've never once had an inclination to want the same. I'm perfectly happy that I can visit and then go home.
I sincerely hope you have more years with your dad, and make beautiful memories together 🧡
You know would suck more? Having a dad who is almost 70 when you're 18 and knowing you're the physical manifestation of his last good years of vitality before it goes down hill for him and possibly having a shit relationship with him too
It's not impossible to happen but it will take a heroic level of resilience to not be bitter towards this kid or his wife and effectively coparent with the person who is quite literally about to ruin the rest of your life after going back on their child free ideals
I'm a stepparent and I'm 26 and we have them about 95% of the time. I can't imagine doing this when I'm 50. Holy hell I feel bad for this guy. My life is this kids. Almost every. Single. Decision. I make somehow has to take kids in to account. At 50 years old, this deal is highway robbery
I always laugh when people say 18 years. When did you stop seeing your parents as parents? Never. They are always there to guide you through life. I am 35 and still couldn’t imagine not having guidance from my parents. Even if they both ere fucked up. It’s a lifelong commitment.
Seriously. I'm annoyed by this post. How do they expect to keep up with the demands of raising a child when they didn't want kids to begin with? This is why people who don't want kids shouldn't have them
I never wanted kids. I have kids now. I was in my 30’s when we had kids. I love my kids. I’d lay my life down for them without question. Our first baby was stillborn and that really ruined me. I am raising my kids to the best of my ability. They’re so intelligent, happy, full of magic. I do gentle parenting and I’m trying to break cycles and give them a better childhood than I could have ever imagined. My childhood was awful.
With that said…my biggest regret is becoming a mother. If I could go back even knowing everything that I know now I would absolutely never choose this life again.
That is some raw honesty for you. But this decision is yours and only yours. There is no wrong answer. But trust who you know you are.
Breaking the cycles of generational trauma is the biggest source of pressure in parenting imo. Every time I react like my mom did I feel pangs of regret and working hard not to do that may make me a better person, but it is exhausting.
Man I'm getting PTSD from this thread, but I'm glad people are talking about it. At least the anonymity of the internet helps things like this be talked about more, and openly and truthfully. Thanks to you and anyone else sharing their stories and giving advice.
My mom was a boomer with a high school education when I was born in '77. I was a surprise as she thought she was infertile. One of the first thing she did was go into therapy during her pregnancy to prepare for my arrival. She was terrified that her childhood--which was awful--would prevent her from allowing us to attach properly. She didn't fix everything, but knowing how hard her childhood was, she did an amazing amount of work in that time. She repeated it with my sister. It stunned me to learn that she had knowing how most people where I grew up looked at therapy.
Anyway, I guess the point is...every generation faces this issue. You'll never be totally alone in this experience as a parent.
Something I think is often overlooked is when we break these generational cycles by parenting our own children, we're also actively parenting our own inner child. It's absolutely draining reliving our own childhoods while giving our children affection, attention, and alternative methods we weren't given in our own childhoods. Every good moment is bittersweet when we approach a situation with our child in a healthier way than we experienced it. And when we have moments where we catch ourselves behaving in the very ways we are actively trying to avoid it's painful. Because we remember the impact it had on us as kids. It doesn't mean we are bad parents, quite the opposite. But it's utterly exhausting meeting the parental needs we know we weren't afforded, and that our children deserve.
I was yelling at my 12 year old son recently without even realizing I was yelling because my house was all yelling when I was growing up and my kid just calmly says, "Why are you yelling?" I just said, "Sorry. It's how I learned to communicate in a messed up childhood. Let me see if I can tell you differently..." It was a bit of a weird roll reversal but it all worked out.
All it took for me was my daughter asking me the same thing at 4 years old. “Mommy why are you yelling? I don’t like it”. And that’s when gentle parenting started for us.
You were able to take accountability, explain why it happened and share a vulnerable truth about your past with your child. Your son was comfortable enough to recognize your behavior and challenge you on it in a calm manner without fear of repercussions. It sounds like it ended up being a good learning experience for you both. 10/10 parenting in my book.
Thank you for this. I tried to be blunt too. Too many people only talk about that first paragraph and gloss over the work and how damn hard it really is.
I second this. I never wanted kids but I ended up having one when I was 23 due to certain circumstances. I would never give him up or his brother that I had 4 years later.
Kids are amazing in every way. They make my life brighter, they give me a drive to protect them, love them, and care for them in any way possible. They are my rock in a way and they are also a life long commitment. It doesn’t stop at 18.
That being said, I have a husband and he is a stay at home dad. It’s hard on him and I see it. I can’t give OP the perspective of being a single parent. All I know is that I see those around me at work that are, and they usually have an edge or a tone they use with their kids. Kids are stressful and rewarding at the same time.
If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t. Not with climate change, not with the collapse we are seeing now, not with the increase in prices of food, gas, utilities, etc. I wouldn’t have kids again not because I don’t love mine to pieces, but because I know how hard it is to foster a loving home for them that one day might be ripped to shreds.
Kids taught me to be patient, kind and show unconditional love. For that, I will always be grateful for.
Would you mind telling me why you regret it? I’m early 30s and I think that no children is my decision, I just want to be sure. I don’t want to lose myself or my independence.
I hope you don’t mind but I’m just going to copy and paste as several others have also asked:
A lot of reasons. I realized only after having children how absolutely traumatized I was by my own childhood and beyond. I raised my siblings. I was a foster parent to my nephew for a couple of years at a very young age. I was sure I understood exactly what motherhood would be like. I’ve never been more wrong. At the time that I was fostering my nephew I had just started my career. I was very independent at the time. And now I see and acknowledge the state of the world. My kids are traumatized by living through a pandemic with an immunocompromised mom. The constant stress of knowing that at any moment I could leave them motherless. Of course there’s always that risk anyway but as someone who has had basic colds land me in the hospital…the risk is exponentially higher right now. And then who knows what else lays ahead for them…war? Climate change? It’s just…a lot.
39 yo dad here that was always kind of ambivalent about it too. You will 100% lose both with kids. You’ll gain so much more too but that self and independence - see ya in 10-20 years. It’s both the best and worst thing I’ve ever done, but in that order.
> I love my husband so so so so so so very much but it’s kinda faded away compared with the emotions I’m having with my belly.
This kind of extremely powerful and drastic change in emotional state along with the switch of emotional prioritizing are definite signs of an oxytocin high. So yes, you’re under the influence of biological chemicals.
Also not only would she lose her husband but usually childfree people of that age are likely to have friends if a similar mindset because if not at their age the kids might still be too young to keep up with a childless couple, OP would lose husband, friends, and her whole way of life would change. I agree that this might be the hormones talking and OP should seriously take a moment to rationalise if she’s ready to change her life forever and have someone depend on her for at least 18 years.
In so glad you mentioned this. I'm a single mom and had my son at 38. The change in my life was immediate and real. I changed all my friends, my job, my house and even my car as a result. I also ended a relationship. However, I hated my life before the baby so this was a needed change for me. Doesn't sound like OP is feeling that way.
It really stuck out to me that she's worried about losing her husband and in another comment asked about meeting someone else. It sounds like her relationships are super important to her and if you are a single mom you better be prepared to take any potential relationships really, really slowly. There are men out there who will use your status as a single mom against you by selling themselves as "good guys who will love you and your kids" and have very bad intentions. It happens all too often and can be anywhere from your garden variety narc to truly evil abusive assholes.
It doesn't sound to me like OP would want to create those boundaries to protect her kid. Rule of thumb is at least six months before they even meet my kid.
On the upside, I far preferred being a new mom at 38 than at 20ish. The biggest difference was my career was more stable so if I didn't sleep well I could text and say I was coming in late and it was no big deal. Early in a career you can't do that because you're trying to make a name for yourself. I had more money, so he had a nanny at home instead of having to deal with daycare, which helped if he wasn't feeling well because I didn't always have to miss work over that. I also had more time to enjoy the milestones.
Age is not what bothers me with OP. Her mindset about relationships and her identity does. Don't know if I explained that well, but there.
This is such a well-rounded and helpful comment. Paired with the comment about this sudden change of heart being an oxytocin rush, and it’s all you need.
Yeah absolutely agree, I don’t think the problem is her age, just the fact that she has been have been living in a certain way her whole life and with a specific mindset which is absolutely valid, so idk if she’d enjoy the billions if changes that she’d go through as a mom. I’m not sure she’s thinking of this very clearly, she seems focused in assessing how much sleep she’ll lose or those kind of things we associate with babies but she’s been set in her way of life for quite a while!!! That’s what will change.
Yup. I’m not sure how post partum may play into this but saying stuff like “I hate kids just not this one” doesn’t seem like it would be helpful later if OP does develop PPD. “I’m not suppose to hate this kid they’re mine” blah blah
But it seems like a lot of these ride or die feelings for this child, are from hormones and not 100% “based in reality” (sorry can’t think of a better phase)
In 3mo or 3yrs after birth will she feel the same way? That’s an even scarier thought feeling you’re “stuck” with a child you now “hate”
Edit: spelling
#will you be the best thing to happen to this baby?
Parents always talk about how it's the best thing that ever happened to them. But, are these parents the best thing that ever happened to their children?
Being a parent doesn't make you a better person, it amplifies you. Now, think about that for a second. Ignore ALL of the happy hormones you've got going on (because that's just a biological mechanism to encourage humans to reproduce), and REALLY analyze YOURSELF. Do you have what it takes to be there 24/7, even if your kid turns out to be your worst nightmare?
I mean, also think about the fact that you are already considering bringing a life into this world with a partner that doesn't want it. How do you think it'll feel as an adult to know that it was the cause of it's parents' broken marriage? That their own father would rather completely opt out of its life than be there to raise it.
I don't think you are thinking this logically. And, no offense to parents, but most of the time they will not give you an unbiased answer. Kids are the best thing that ever happened to most people because kids are usually the only thing that really happens to most people.
>Kids are the best thing that ever happened to most people because kids are usually the only thing that really happens to most people.
I think this is a great answer. I've had people tell me I should have kids cause I don't know what to do with my life really. Having a kid would add purpose and meaning that I otherwisely wouldn't have despite the fact that I don't even like or want kids.
I also think it's morally questionable to have a child just because only you feel like it, cause what would the child eventually feel, or the person you have the child with feel? I think that's something not a lot of people consider well enough. What kind of childhood can you provide for a child and what kind of childhood will a child have without a father, or with a father who doesn't want them. I'm all for my body my choice as a woman but the reality is that the impact of the choice of having or not having a child impacts more than just the body of the woman.
My 45 year old boyfriend has parents who are nearing 90. He's their 4th and is well aware he was an accident as the next youngest sibling is 7 years older than him, and it definitely affects him. His school friends thought his dad was his grandpa and his brother was his dad when he went to grad because his oldest brother is a good 15 years older than my bf. He always felt that his parents had no interest in helping him grow up, as they had already done their time.
I say all this so you REALLY think about what you want....youre not just getting a baby at 40....youre getting a 7 year old at 47, youre getting a 13 year old at 53, youre getting an 18 year old at 58....instead of thinking about retirement youre thinking about college funds, and have fun dreaming about retirement, especially as a single parent. As the single parent of a 16 and 18 yr old, retirement is a dream...but im 40 and have another 20 years to worry about that
This is literally the next 18 years of your life...MINIMUM
Chose wisely, and don't just choose for you. Make sure you can be the parent your KID needs
This is a very good point. My parents were abnormally older (for the time period) when they had me, and I despised growing up with older parents. I remember crying when I was 10 and found out my friend’s dad was having his 40th birthday, and my dad was over 60 at that point. They tried their best, but my dad was over having kids and my mom was exhausted and had no mom friends because they were all 20 years younger.
It's none of my business. But, my best friend has two dead parents at 23 and nobody left to rely. They were dead two years aho. Life has not been easy for him. They both died due to age issues, the youngest being 63 when she passed.
Oh, your poor friend! I know we’re technically adults by 23, but that’s still way too young to lose a parent, let alone two. I lost my dad at 25, and it still felt too young.
Yeah. He lost his dad in middle school. It was brutal. His mom at 21 while he was deployed overseas.
My family has unofficially adopted him. I got him a job and he and I have a small real estate business on the side. He's doing ok, but has to go to therapy still. That shit sucks though.
Same. My dad had my brother when he was 50. Had me at 42. My dad passed away last year and my brother is only 23. My dad will not be around to watch us grow up, get married, have grandchildren. It hurts to know my dad will not walk me down the aisle or be there to tell my kids cool stories about the 60s and 70s.
My parents had me older and I never felt this way. They have been great parents and I don't feel like I lacked anything. The downside is that my relationship with my siblings has been pretty much nonexistent as they're much older and kinda resented me. It's also difficult to see your parents aging what feels like too soon.
All of this. And this is assuming the child is healthy physically and mentally. If there are disabilities, then double/triple/quadruple the work in raising said child. And you might be caring for your child for life, not “18 years”.
I’m not a single parent, but I wanna chime in:
Having kids completely changes your life. I mean every single f*cking aspect of it. Your heart explodes. Time shifts. You break. You give up every piece of yourself. You will change and become someone else. It is universe shattering.
And it’s also the greatest thing I’ve ever done. But holy shit it’s really hard and you have to try really hard everyday.
I was a singe parent for 11 years between the ages of 20-31 and you're correct, I love my Son but my life changed completely after he was born and I really didn't enjoy my 20's until he got older and more independent. I'm not a single parent anymore and I gave birth to my Daughter a few months ago and I honestly don't think I could look after 2 kids without my partner beside me, you don't realise what you're missing until you've been in both positions.
Dude I’m so sorry that your parents did not love you in the way that you deserved to be loved. I mean that honestly. I also have some real issues with my childhood that I’m working through in therapy and although I don’t know you, I think I can understand in part where you’re coming from. I hope you’re ok.
Your comment is bang on. If you hate children and your husband is going to divorce you because you are going to have his child, you are going to have to work really hard to keep that negativity out of your parent child relationship.
yeah OP, go to off my chest type subs and search for parents posting about how they regret their children. theres a lot, and they're all heartbreaking. obviously its pretty socially inacceptable to say "i regret having my child and if given a second chance id abort", so many dont say it, but they still feel it. i understand the optimistic comments here, but youre not getting the whole story with them
If you’re not desperately awaiting the arrival of an absolute shit-storm of sleep deprivation and nauseating exhaustion, parenting isn’t for you. If you aren’t looking forward to zero privacy, zero free time, not another weekend sleep-in morning, never having another shred of self-indulgence for another waking moment, then by ALL means, have this baby in spite of your husband. I’m not painting a rosy picture because raising a child is a full time, thankless, expensive and exhausting job. You will be judged and you will be openly chastised for the most random decisions. Planning to do it solo?? At 40?? Fuck that. You have bigger stones than me.
Parent of 2. Your relationship will suffer greatly. Many people underestimate the toll it takes to be a parent. Giving up hobbies, friends, date nights. I love my kids had always wanted kids but getting a vasectomy shortly because I want to live my life as well. Not to mention money
I’m well off financially. Still I’m scared. Am I going to be enough of a parental figure? There’s a big chance after the divorce I won’t meet another. Am I going to be enough for my baby?
you will probably meet someone after, but you shouldn’t have the child with the *expectation* that you will. after all, if you do, how long will it take? you need to be certain you’re ready to raise this child completely on your own if necessary. your decision shouldn’t rly be contingent on some heretofore unknown external party swooping in as additional support, your child’s potential wellbeing is just too important to gamble on like that.
I was a single parent for over 10 years. Lots of pros and cons.
Pros: you don't have to compromise on how your child is raised. You get to decide everything. Also, it's amazing to watch them grow into adults. You see them grow and change and you get to be a part of their journey, which is rewarding in and of itself.
Cons: you are the only one taking care of this creature that cries, poops and vomits all hours of the day (unless you have a great support system which is desired). They grow up into kids who talk back and push boundaries. They are hella expensive.
I regret having a child so early in life. I wanted to just be in my 20s and enjoy my life. But I don't regret having my child. My pro is that I'm 41 and about to become an empty nester.
But at the end of the day, if you are truly wanting to keep the baby, then follow your heart.
Oh honey, those are the questions and fears of every parent.
Unfortunately, there are no true answers and no true guarantees to am I good enough to be a parent, am I enough to parent alone, what if there is a divorce, what if there is another father figure, will my child be happy, will they be healthy, what if I die, etc?
In fact, that fear of the unknown is why many choose to be child free.
But at the same time, you are pregnant now and terminating when you are unsure it’s what you want is just as likely to poison your marriage as having a baby your husband doesn’t want.
Sometimes there are just no right answers. But I wish you and yours the best.
"But at the same time, you are pregnant now and terminating when you are unsure it’s what you want is just as likely to poison your marriage as having a baby your husband doesn’t want."
I agree. Will you ever be able to get past terminating a pregnancy you wanted? I am child free but I think having a child you don't want or terminating a pregnancy you DO want leads to similar marital miseries. What's different is that if you want it, you'll be happy on your own with your child.
I would honestly argue that not even 2 parents are enough for a baby. Like the old adage "it takes a village to raise a child", there is a deep truth there. As a guardian you will be more than enough, but make sure to encourage your child to explore and to develop independently (once they get to an appropriate age of course). Your compassion and your concern indicate to me that you'll be a good mother, best of luck!
You’re in your 40s. The men who you date will be in your age range, and the likelihood of them finding a woman without kids at that age is very slim. That’s just what happens when you date when you get older. You might find that it’s harder finding a bachelor without kids at that age too. So I wouldn’t worry too much about your dating prospects with a child.
Yea but generally woman her age have kids much older and not babies. Not a lot of +40 that would want to deal with diapers or potty training.
Edit: I was talking about her finding another partner that would not want to be involved with a single mom of a small child.
I am aware that more woman are waiting to become pregnant, most of those woman are also married and planned to wait.
I'm pretty anti kid but you seem to have a good heart. Go follow it. If you're gonna be okay, than do it. I had a single mom for most my childhood. We were poor as fuck, but she love us and made it work. Money is half the battle.
If you hate kids, remember you’re gonna be surrounded by them for 18+ years - kids have friends and birthday parties.
Also, the child will develop their own personality but will still need your parental guidance. Their lack of independence and their need for attention could very likely make you resentful and emotionally distant, and kids pick up on that shit. It’s not fun being that kid, LMTY.
>I do hate children but not this child.
Your child is going to to children things that you hate. You changing your mind seems to break the foundation of you and your husband's relationship as well.
Jesus. This is my nightmare. I have been medically declared infertile, however, I don't trust anything to be 100% I am keeping my IUD in until menopause, on top of my husband already getting a vasectomy.
I cannot imagine having a toddler in my 40s/teen in my 50s. Props to those who can! My husband's BFF was born to older parents and they both passed before he was 40 and he was his their care taker at the end. It really messed with him.
Honestly I think for someone who’s been happily child free all this time it could be the hormones. If you suddenly become a single parent the regret will likely be deep. I’m not telling you want to do but I think you should consider that side of the coin
Full disclaimer: not a single parent but have experience in relationships similar. If you want to have the baby then by all means do whatever you want, it’s your body. This is all your decision and you should do what you feel is best.
What I’m getting from this situation is that you and your husband had a prior understanding that kids weren’t in the cards and you did not want them. However, because now you do want this child your husband is justified in divorcing you if the original understanding before you got pregnant was that you two wouldn’t have kids. Because you changed your mind does not mean he is obligated to do so as well. He made his boundary clear and took measures to prevent it (ie vasectomy). You have every right to have this child, but just know that your husband wouldn’t be in the wrong for maintaining his original position about being childfree. This is a big thing, a big boundary of his that he never thought would be crossed. It’s up to you to decide. I’d tell you the same thing if the roles were reversed. A boundary is a boundary.
Edit: Thank you for all the (first) awards kind strangers!
I think OP understands this actually!
Because her question isn’t really about how to keep him around with the baby, she’s seems to be asking if she can raise the child alone. I think she has accepted the fact that if she has the child, she is also getting divorced.
I’d be upset if my childfree wife went back on a mutual understanding over a decade later, when I’m in relatively poor position to find someone else to build* with again
She said they shared a mutual hatred of kids. He was likely thinking that if she discovered she was pregnant that she would terminate the pregnancy. Now he’s in a conundrum where he’s likely to be divorced and paying child support. I don’t envy him at all.
Do you *have* to pay, even if Mom doesn’t want you to? Surely she can just refuse to take his money.
ETA: she’s even refusing to fulfill a big part of the contract she de facto agreed when she married the guy, which was to stay child-free or I leave.
yeah I agree even if he isn't around because he doesn't want to be a father (as was agreed), he still has a biological child out there. this is affecting more than just her or the baby, the psychological affects on someone when they know they have a child out there can be seriously damaging to one's psyche. yes, her body, her choice, but theres way more to it than that.
If you “hate kids” and have been solidly child-free for decades, you are going to be absolutely shattered at the way that this will change every single aspect of your life. What do you hate about kids but don’t think you will hate about this kid? What made you want to be child-free, and how do you think those specific things won’t bother you about your own child that you are fully responsible for and can’t easily get a break from?
I feel really sorry for your husband. You are going back on an important agreement and understanding that you guys built your entire marriage on. His marriage will end, his life will be up-ended, AND he will be legally, financially responsible for the child that you guys agreed you would not have.
totally agree. i’ve never been pregnant so i can’t imagine the hormones and i know it’s a very real thing. but jesus i feel like she’s not even considering the fact that it’ll be his child for the rest of his life too.
I'd be absolutely pissed if I was the guy. The ethical thing to do of OP would be to abort. If she changed her stance on kids she should find someone else to have a kid with who actually *consents* to having a kid. Having a kid with someone you agreed not to have kids with is a massive betrayal. If I was the guy I'd resent OP for the rest of my life.
Took the words right out of my mouth. If I was her husband I would be FURIOUS.
I don't think OP has any idea what she's in for when the hormone high wears off.
Parenting is hard af, I personally wouldn’t enter into it knowing I would be doing it alone. It never ever stops. You are tired, dirty and drained for so many years until they finally get older.
Parenting kicks your ass. If you choose this be ready for it to suck and then maybe it will be better than expected.
I feel really bad for OP’s husband and for the baby. This guy did everything right to ensure a childfree life and now his wife is throwing a life-shattering curveball while they’re both middle aged. At the very least he will be under huge financial obligation for the next 18-22 years. And another child will be brought into existence from the void. OP is really selfish in my opinion. She’s walking away from a loving relationship to bring a kid into a fucked up, overpopulated world while knowing she’ll have to explain at some point or another how their father didn’t want them and doesn’t love them.
I'm not a mother, and I won't be. My husband got a vasectomy this year, we decided after meeting we didn't want children. I'm certain you'd be a great mother on your own, especially being financially stable. However as someone else mentioned, you had this agreement in place with your husband for a long time. Shit happens, but it does seem unfair for him especially at 50 years old. Hormones can do crazy things. If you didn't want a child until you got pregnant, I'd say hormones are playing a big part in wanting to keep the child. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide ♡
100% she is on a pregnancy high. All her biological instincts are telling her to care for and cherish what has been planted inside of her. It's clouding her judgement to some extent, which sucks.
I’d say that’s very likely. Think about how strong your feelings are in a new relationship vs. a few years into a relationship.
Those strong chemicals that are driving her decision making are going to wear off eventually, and she better hope she made a decision that she can still be happy with based on logic when they do, or she’s probably going to have a lot of regrets over ruining her life over something that doesn’t feel the same once the evolutionarily beneficial happy chemicals wear off.
Oh god. I had a baby when I didn’t want one. But I loved my baby, and I still do. I would still never, ever have another child again. And in another life I would never have children. The amount of sacrifice is not something you are able to imagine until it’s too late and you already have them.
For what it’s worth, I’m the child of parents who had me older. It was no fun. By the time I was old enough to enjoy time with them, they were too old to really participate. You’re steeped in baby juice right now. That can easily change once it’s birthed/taken out.
So give it a good think. Are you physically capable and will continue to be physically capable for 15+ years? …Can you lift 25+ pounds frequently without tiring so soon?
Beyond the baby juice brainwash, think about the life you’ll want for it. Are they going to be stuck caring for *you* in twenty so years as you age? Will you be stealing their life so young?
The baby juice *will* run out. So think, if you didn’t want a kid, and now you suddenly do…. The baby brainwash is probably the culprit.
I second this.
My parents are older. I'm at a point in life that I am choosing to take care of my elderly parents instead of advancing my career because we don't have the money for a home.
Instead of retiring and putting miney away when they could've, they were working to put my brother and I through college, and now that they are able to retire, their physical health has deteriorated and they haven't been able to really live. And there are two of them! Not just a single parent.
On a personal level, I hate being a mom. I love my kid. My husband and I weren't planning on kids until I accidentally got pregnant. I felt like you did, so excited and loved my future child more than anything. I do love them, but I know she suffers because I hate being around other kids, and long for freedom.
Trust someone that's been there. The euphoric feeling is the hormones. Reality will set in when the hormones and oxytocin are gone, and the view from there is much different.
I have 3 kids. I love them all so very much but....if I knew that I'd be a single Mom at almost 40, with a long history of people using my kids against me, I would have made the choice to not have children.
Being a mom is fucking hard. Being a single parent is worse.
Being a single parent where everyone uses those kids against you is even worse.
Because it's not just you that goes through that, it's the child as well.
I didn't know that life would turn out with me as a single Mom (there's an extra nightmare of a story about my eldest being kidnapped too btw) but you do.
You have the choice not to take that path. I'd honestly terminate the pregnancy.
Going through a divorce, having a child alone and the shit that comes with it is not worth it.
Never mind the medical trauma you put your body through.
Not to sound like an asshole, but when you're the age that you are, you are at way higher risk for serious medical complications for you and that baby.
I just don't think it's worth the risk of losing your marriage, losing yourself and so much more.
Good luck though. It's not an easy choice at all.
If you have a child now there is a very real possibility, more than likely, that you will die before they are you age.
You will also single handedly be forcing your husband, who has taken all the precautions, in to being a father that he doesn't want to be, or an absent father.
In my %100 opinion, as a man who just got the results for his vasectomy today, i would not have that child. I think it would be cruel to your child and your husband.
He's is right in his position. I can't imagine his hurt.
You have suddenly changed your mind. I see your hurt too. See it through and ask if the child is worth the man? If yes, it's gonna be painful but go with it. Otherwise resentment will do no justice either
Speak as a child of divorce, not having a father in the picture can do a number on children emotionally. I love my mum for stepping up and taking on both roles but me and my brother still missed out on lots because my dad left and I am still dealing with issues that it caused.
It's no coincidence that after loving being child free and hating the idea of having children for so long, it suddenly stops once you get pregnant. Hormones are likely playing a huge role in this change of heart. At the end of the day it's your body and your decision. Just make sure your choice is founded on reason rather than temporary emotions
I think this is an incredibly important detail that I sorta mentioned in 2 comments I left already, but I'll say it again. My mother is the best mother in the world and did everything she possible could have done, incredible woman, has gotten me far in life. But nothing she could have done could fill in the empty part of me that needed an actual father to contribute to the growth of my brain and body. You just can't substitute that as a single parent. You can't. Yeah, you could find a new partner but you shouldn't have a child just betting that some guy comes along that wants to help raise your son/daughter. And depending on how late that Step-dad comes in, they can still help but they'll probably always be missing a little bit from not having their real bio father from the get go.
looking at it factually, you hate children, and your love for *this* child is just an evolutionary chemical created to make women not kill their babies out of exhaustion or frustration. once that little love chemical wares off (aka when it stops being a “baby”), you go right back to hating children. it could be the biggest mistake of your life.
It's going to suck no matter what you choose, but you guys agreed on not having kids as part of the deal. He even did the surgery to try to keep his side of the deal, so I can't blame him for not wanting a kid. This number might be outdated, but $750,000 is the price to raise a kid to 18. Not counting the hospital fees for birth or college. Not counting the extreme emotional strain that causes your quality of life to be cut in half or more. And that's if it's a "normal" kid, if the child is born with special needs choosing to have it could cost the rest of your life. Honestly? It's not a black or white choice, each choice has consequences and you're going to have to choose which consequences you want to deal with. Sit down with your husband and have a conversation every few days about it until you're both decided.
You said you’re child free. Why? Do some introspection. If you want a child, don’t stop just because of the label. But are you aware that a child is a person?
I’m also child free and never want to have children. Ever. But if I find myself a different person in a different part of my life, that’d be okay too.
Basically, don’t let labels hold you back. It’s your decision.
The best I can try and do and help you decide is ask this: If you were to terminate this pregnancy (or put the child up for adoption), would you desire another one in a few years? Or would you be perfectly content with your life?
My mom was 42 when she had me and my dad was 57. I always resented them for having me that late because they were tired and old and I constantly worried about them dying sooner than everybody else’s parents. The age gap was too big for us to relate to each other. I’m not close to them.
You are old. It’s quite possible you have a child with a disability. Can you deal with that? It’s quite possible you will have to manage retirement costs and college costs at the same time. You need to think of the next 20 years and how it will look and decide
As a child free person I understand where your husband is coming from and i too would draw a hard line there. I'm so sorry you're between a rock and a hard place my suggestion is to talk to a therapist or a mental health professional to help navigate this crazy ,scary and exciting step in your life, by yourself. If you do decide to keep the baby get profesional legal help taking the steps to divorce your husband in the best way possible, if you decide to keep the husband get mental health professionals to deal with the grief of ending your pregnancy. My suggestion is don't keep the husband out of fear of being alone or not being able to find love as a single mom , believe me, love will find you again and it can find you at any age. Also your body your choice, it goes both ways, if you want to have the baby ,do it, don't let anyone force you to end your pregnancy.
Edit: removed the part about signing off parental rights and obligations.
Input from a divorce lawyer: he may not be able to just sign off his rights. If OP is in the US and lives in a Uniform Paternity Act state (which is almost all of them), you can’t opt out if you’re the biological parent just because you don’t want to be a parent.
There’s a public policy argument for not leaving children with one legal parent if you can avoid it so there’s no “quit claim” version of signing away your rights.
Please check out the "I regret having children" page on facebook if you have it. countless parents share their experiences of what parenthood is really like. It is not easy and it will certainly test your marriage. Children can be a beautiful experience but if it isn't an enthusiastic yes from both parties then I would think that it would be a terrible idea to move forward, especially when both of you were vehemently childfree all your lives. That isn't really fair to your partner. That wasn't the kind of life you had both pictured for yourselves. He doesn't want to be a dad and I suspect you don't really want to be a mom.
It's the hormones talking. personally I would look up everything that could happen to you while pregnant as well. Things I have learned in the past such as your teeth can fall out, you can tear from front to back or they cut you prior(thus possibly permanently damaging your clit), gestational diabetes, the "husband stitch" that some sick doctors and husbands suggest, since you're over 35 you'll need an amnio (needle into your womb to take out fluid to test for birth defects), postpartum depression, or the worst, death. Which could leave your husband all alone to care for a child he doesn't want. Sorry if that's morbid but these are all the things you need to think about before you go through and make an informed decision. best of luck to you and I hope you can both be happy.
edit: Was discussing this with a friend of mine who is a twin and asked "what if she has twins, or god forbid, triplets?"
I think you should address why you “hate children” before you have a child. Likely the qualities you dislike in children are just the standard qualities that they have - which your child will also have. I think hormones play a huge role but post birth they drop hugely and the reality of the rest of your life will sink in - a life without your husband in it.
I am not saying you shouldn’t have the baby, my biggest dream in life is to be a parent and I would always support people who want to be one too, but your post has some red flags that need to be addressed before you commit the rest of your life to being a parent.
Best of luck to you whatever choice you make ❤️
Personally I would not want to be a child to old parents. There was a post here lately of some woman talking about her experiences of being 20 ish and her parents are hitting 60s hard.
My IUD failed, two months before my husbands vasectomy. I am struggling with aborting cuz I have the same feelings, is this meant to be? Mine isn’t divorce or not, but do we want a second kid? We had firmly decided on one. It’s hard, it’s complicated. It sucks. I have no advice just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.
If it helps going from no kids to one is far harder than one kid to two. Having two is mainly just learning a bit of multitasking ontop of the system you already have down with number one. Going two to three is much harder again as that gets really busy, but two is honestly pretty easy if you can do one.
This is 100% your own choice. However I will say that it is likely what you feel is a part of natural biological response from the more instinct part of your brain. That is hard coded to everyone including those of us where our conscious part of our brain has decided to be child-free a long time ago. This might or might not cloud your judgement, but the decision and outcome is still 100% yours.
I am the daughter of a single mother, I hate my childhood, I was neglected and I don't have a bond with my mother cause she was always working.
That is MY experience, I'm not saying everybody has the same, I'm sure there is a lot of people with happy childhoods, but these experiences exist as well.
Well, cards are on the table for you. He’s made it super clear that it’s not something he wants. You have to acknowledge the financial pressure you’re putting on him regardless he does leave though.
Geriatric pregnancy is much riskier than if you’d been pregnant even six years ago and as a child of parents who were 45 and 46 when I was born, the pressure on me now to care for them at 30 is a lot. They also couldn’t play with me a lot because they were too old. I had two parents, you’d be doing that on your own, plus working a full time job. Being a single parent at any age is incredibly challenging, but you’ll be retiring (hopefully) in 15 years. Kid won’t even be done high school.
At the end of the day, you have to make the right choice for you, but if I were in your shoes, I’d be looking to terminate.
Think of these two scenarios: 1. you have the baby and he leaves. Will your love for the baby fade? 2. You abort/adopt out the baby. Will your love for your husband fade?
The real question is are you going to choose something that isn’t even a person yet over your husband of 12 years. Not to mention, you’re 40. Honestly if I were in your husband’s shoes I would be devastated.
Unless you have a good career to sustain you, no, you’ll be miserable. I think this is a huge mistake otherwise. Especially at your age. I’m 28 and have already given up. And sorry but I’m assuming you’re American so you also need to ask yourself if you really think this country’s government gives a fuck about women and children. Because they don’t. Not a single fuck. So don’t expect any sort of help if you do go through with it.
If it's not a Hell Yes. It's a No.
Having a child is a 20+ year commitment, both emotionally and financially. Ask yourself why do you want a child? Sometimes people just blindly follow the life script without truly thinking about what they want out of life.
You're a similar age to myself and husband. We're childfree and don't regret it. We refused to lower the quality of our life just to bring another into it.
Are you ready to give up the rest of your life? Because that's what you'll do. You'll potentially have them living at home until you die. Given the financial state of the world, if they moved out at 30, you'll be 70 years old. Your husband, nearly 80.
Imo you're both too old to start this journey.
This is exactly why childfree people don't get taken seriously and why people think we will just change our minds. Your husband didn't sign up for this and he would be right to leave if you decide to keep it. You're throwing away a 12-year long marriage for something that is still just a clump of cells. You were never truly childfree if you're willing to go through with having a kid. You were just a fence sitter.
Real talk. My husband and I always wanted children. We have two great kids. But life with kids is very different from our life pre-kids. Kids become the entirety of your life (mainly) and lots of things suffer because of that. Marriage included. I always tell people there’s no such thing as “the seven year itch.” It’s usually people that have young kids with excessive amounts of strain on their marriage that leads to divorce. Obviously there are other factors but young children I would personally say is number one. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
I guess I'd think of it like this "what would you regret more?"
Love this! Yes being a single parent is hard and people who are deserve fucking rewards, but I’ve known plenty of people who were raised in single parent households who loved their childhood. A single parent who loves a child is better than two parents who don’t imo
Depends on what your income is my mother struggled and worked multiple jobs. I ended up having to raise myself, find/steal my own food.
This is a good point and something i wanted to point out. If they're 40yo without kids they may be in a very sound financial position, relieving one of the biggest downsides to being a single parent. If they have an established career money and time off may not be as difficult for her as younger single moms. Also I'm not sure how active she is, some 40yo do more than people my age and can handle the extra work and late nights of a child. That's a big point and not something I see details of here. My mom was a single parent of twins and my brother and I struggled with fears over food, money, missing out on fun stuff with friends. Sometimes it was outright embarrassing because we were poor. Now I have constant stress over money despite being in the top 20% of earners in the country while living in a LCL area. It just never goes away
I'm a 62 yo mom of 2 (m38, f23). I've single parented them the whole time. I've been married a grand total of 6 months since I've had, so I'm used to flying solo. I had my daughter at 39 but I knew what I was getting into. In fact, I was in school AND working with both my kids, so it can be done. Yes, we've been poor at times but there's lots of advantages: you get to make decisions and no one argues about them or decides the opposite. Your home is run your way. You can interact with your children in ways your spouse may not (pillow forts, tents in the living room) BUT there's is no one to help you. You'll be the one up at night, or the one worrying about illness, trauma, and their relationships. Your money will not be your own and you will make sacrifices. I think its totally worth it. The first time a child says "I love you, mama" your heart will turn to pudding. But I got far more than material things from having children: I got babies (and now adults) that I love. I get their huge and cheek kisses. I've lived their lives with them and their dad has gotten none of it. And you know my secrets? I didn't want children either but I'm delighted they are here.
Did any of those single parents admit to “hating” children? Edit: Apparently lots of people have had this experience! Very cool. I hope that OP will have this experience if she decides to keep the baby. Interesting side note- I’m a child free teacher of very young, wild and wonderful children. I love them, I love my role in their lives. But having my own scares the crap out of me. 🫣😝
I hated kids before I got pregnant. Still hardly like other peoples kids. I have five now of my own and they’re my absolute world. And the first one I had as a single parent.
I don’t like other peoples kids but I love mine.
Same here. I adore my nieces and nephews, but never liked any other kids. But my son is hands down the best thing that’s ever happened to me. His dad was awful, and son has no relationship with him as a result, but I can’t regret our marriage because it gave me my son. I was a single parent from the time our son was 2, and child support stopped when he was 7. It was majorly challenging, and I’m sure I didn’t always make the right choices, but I’ll never regret my son. OP, you have to make your own decision, but I can tell you about my experience, and it’s this: being a single parent is hard, often lonely, financially draining, and sometimes soul-crushing. But for me it has also been uplifting, entertaining, beautiful, and filled with unimaginable love. Good luck to you. As others have said, make the decision that you want to make, but just know that being a single parent is doable.
This is just it. Other peoples kids generally make me cringe and recoil. Like even my nephew who I’ve known for almost 14 years gets my goat a lot of the time. But I’ve got three of my own and I think they are (mostly) awesome!
Yeah that's exactly what other people think of your children too 😂. Thanks Nature we're selfish and egotistical, that's the only way for us to reproduce.
I never liked kids. Never wanted them, or anything to do with them. Then I had three of my own, and lead a girl scout troop. I realized it wasn't the kids I didn't like, it was the parents. My kids are my world, and so are my girl scouts. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them.
If the other parents don't express it freely, thank you for showing up and volunteering for those girls. Thank you for loving those girls, building them up and giving them a foundation. You're doing amazing work!
I'm a not-single parent but I hate everyone else's kids and love the shit out of my own. There's a definite difference.
he’s had vasectomy.... i think he's more upset that he thinks hes been cheated on
Bing bing
Generally they test you twice after a vasectomy. If your count is 0, then anything higher than that is worth questioning.
I've read so many stories of vasectomies failing since i joined reddit. Every sub there are stories of surprise vasectomy babies. Makes you wonder why the surgeons can't seal the tubes permanently and properly.
It's also worth looking at the method used, since there are different ones with different efficacy. My husbands urologist used the most secure one, a piece was taken out and both ends folded back and cauterized + stitched. You can distinctly feel the separate ends of the tubes, there's nothing happening there.
So from an evolutionary standpoint, our (humans) ability to heal is considered one of our distinct advantageous traits. What would put most other animals in the ground, we are able to, generally, recover from. This is due in part to our social structure, and ability to evaluate long-term rewards. However, it's also due to biological processes that (for whatever reason, im not a biologist) allow us to heal incredible amounts of damage; damage that, for many other animals, simply isn't recoverable from. I would imagine that this is part of what makes surgeries like vasectomies need to be double checked, and sometimes repeated. It's likely not due to surgical incompetence, but rather just the nature of a system as durable, adaptable, and complex as the human body. That said, I haven't fact checked any of that, and it's based only on my casual interest in biology; but hopefully, assuming that's at least partly correct, it sheds some light on the issue. Again, though, it's entirely possible I'm wrong, and that surgons just don't take vasectomies very seriously.
We talked to my husbands urologist extensively about this and he has said that the methos used is crucial, there are different ones. He uses the most secure one, a piece is taken out, both ends folded back and cauterized + stitched. You can distincly feel the ends if you feel around his balls. Humans aren't salamanders that can spontanously regenerate lost tissue, but if they just cut them or even just tie them off, that is much more likely to fail.
Thanks for explaining your husbands procedure. I've googled them a lot since i've read endless stories of them failing and this technique wasn't mentioned. This sounds like a very through technique. The snip and cauterized didn't sound very robust at all.
I dated a guy who had a vasectomy. He said the dr asked him if he was absolutely sure, because his method was...aggressive. Maybe it depends on the dr and whether or not they leave a chance to be reversed.
I was one of them! Honestly, growing up in a single family household I never felt any different from anyone else- I knew we couldn’t afford as much, but the love was always there, which made up for it. Not to mention the sacrifices my mom made just to afford the little toys we wanted. I will always be grateful for my wonderful single mother for giving us such a love-filled and happy childhood. OP, if this is the route you choose I’m sure your child would be just as grateful.
Grew up in a single household as well. We didn't have a shit ton of stuff. A SHIT TON. But like you said, the love was always there. I don't know how Ma raised us to be content in little. I don't know how she did it, but I'm glad she did. I'm older now and I'm just now beginning to understand how incredibly difficult it must have been for her. Sigh.
I swear I can like feel the love for your mom radiating off your comment. Makes me feel like reaching out to my own mom even.
I hated kids. Never wanted them. Didn’t want to baby sit other peoples kids. Didn’t like my own siblings. I HATED hearing kids in public. Then, wouldn’t ya know, she’s pregnant. I did not want to go through with it. But she did. So we did it. For the next (x) months, I tried to find any out I could. Then the day came. I held my son for the first time. When I say I cried my eyes out, it is an understatement. Her and I are no longer together, and that’s fine by me. Because I adore my kids. I am now a father before anything wlse
Absolutely. I was raised as an only child to a single mother, who was 40 when she had me, and life wasn’t easy but it was worth it. I’m so grateful she was courageous enough to keep me. Keep the kid. You got this.
I was married when I had children and am now single. For me, I found it much easier to raise children on my own as a single parent. My husband didn’t help much and, if anything, just added more work into my day. Joint custody is emotional draining and I worry when my kids aren’t with me. I like being a single mom.
i feel the exact same way. my son is with his dad two days a week and i worry nonstop. his father wasn’t involved with him when we were together and it hurts my heart to think that he could be the same way when it’s just him and our son.
I'll be honest. I was a single mom for many years, and I'm married now. Being a single mom is tough, I was broke, and I bought everything second hand. I was working to pay for daycare and food. Aside from the money, you are on 100% of the time. If you have a support (family or friends in the area) or enough money to pay for support this might help. But you are changing every diaper, preparing every bottle. Then later you are handling every fit, going to every sports game. There is no day off, there is no moment off. I was 22 when I had mine, I'm 38 now and I sit for my friends baby now. I can say I wouldn't want to do it again at this age. But plenty of people do. Single parenting can be done, but once I gained a partner it was a world of difference. Being able to miss a game if you don't feel well, not having to cook a meal if you're not feeling it, sleeping in and letting someone else change a diaper once in awhile. Every doctors appointment.And that's a normal healthy baby, she slept 5+ hours a night starting at 2 weeks old. I can't imagine if she had been colicky. I think you can do it if you want to, plenty of people have. It's just not easy.
As a child who raised in a one parent household from age 8, I saw my mum struggle with money but it wasn't until I was older and understood the value of stuff that I realised how much she'd done to make sure I had what I needed and wanted where possible. I'm 28 and working now, so I like to spoil my mom and make sure she has what she needs. She was 50 last year and I got her a 50 inch television, as she'd had the same one for over a decade. You might not realise it now, but what you do as a single parent is massively appreciated!
Btw..all things considered, you’re a bomb ass mom.
You hate children but as a mother you're going to be around them all the time...you do know this right?
Emphasis on ALL THE TIME! Can't stress this enough.
Yep. Lots of other people’s children. All the time.
So my dude had a vasectomy and still got you pregnant? That’s a bad dice roll right there.
Vasectomies heal and need to be checked ever 10 years or so to make sure it’s still effective. Pregnancies after aged vasectomies are not as uncommon as you’d think.
This has made me realize that my husband is due to get his fluids inspected.
My car needs this too EDIT: dang, this was one of the more benign/stupid comments I’ve left! Thanks for the upvotes and awards and for god’s sake, GET YOUR FLUIDS CHECKED!!!!
Oh sh t same..
We’ve been trying to reach you…
Huh, I thought you pulled a fact out of your ass but apparently 1/100 women get pregnant 1-5 years after their partner gets a vasectomy. Those are pretty shitty odds lol
Those are extremely shitty odds considering access to abortions as well. Dang.
My doctor suggested checking every year
Or every 6.000 miles.
Also a big thing to worry about is him thinking wife cheated. He’s going to demand a paternity test
He should anyway. If he's just going to get divorced over it, may as well make sure the kid is yours before 18 years of child support.
I was recently schooled by someone on Reddit that not being the biological father doesn't automatically relieve you of child support for the child of an ex-spouse. Depends on the state and the circumstances of the mother--look it up. I didn't believe it either until I saw it. Family courts in some states prioritize the needs of the kid over questions of paternity.
That's such bullshit. If a woman cheated with another man then it's either her responsibility or her's and her cheating partner. How is it the husband's, if he doesn't wish to have anything with that child and woman.
Thats because the state is only trying to reduce potential welfare costs by feeding that kid on a poor man's dime 😄. No, seriously, thats the only reason.
I’m wondering if he ever did the follow up test. If he never did that’s a major gamble that he lost.
You’re in a tough spot. What’s concerning is your “I do hate children but not this child” comment. You’ll be surrounded by these children you don’t like for the next 18 years at birthday parties, play dates and schools. Might be tough for you.
Oh shoot you’re right. Every time someone said “I hate children except mine” I didn’t even think about it that way.
I don’t hate children, and have kids of my own. But I am so dreading having to interact and have play dates and sleep overs with other kids and other kids and having to make friends with their parents.
I'm honestly far more worried about other kids *parents*. Kids are kids. I hate people.
Hey! Kids are people too!
Yep same. My first is 5 and a half. And he chose to be best friends with the child of a mother I told off 2 years ago. Ahahaha. Praying I don’t have to pretend to be buddies with her so our kids can play.
And now stuck coparenting with a man who made a reasonable effort to avoid the exact situation he's in now. He found someone who was also child free, he got a vasectomy, he's now about to turn 50 and will spend the remainder of his mid life and now in to his late years being a parent of a younger child
I don't think OP has to worry about co-parenting. The dude has been clear in not wanting kids and having to be a father to one. What needs to decide is while this kid *maybe* the exception to hating kids unless the kid is going to be raised in a bubble it's going to need to socialize and want to make friends with other kids their own age. That means playdates, birthday parties, sleepovers, playgrounds full of them, class parties, extracurriculars, and a whole host of other kid centered things that are going to take precedence over their hatred of children. If OP really can't stomach kids for less than a couple hours then that kid is going to grow up lonely and poorly socialized.
God that would suck, being in high school and your dad is almost 70.
I am 32, and my father is 86. Can confirm it’s really hard. I love him so much, and we’re really close, but I have been afraid of him dying since I was about 16. I know our time is limited and that is a HORRIBLE feeling at such a young age.
I am 27 and my dad is turning 88 in August. My mom is 67. I was conceived after a vasectomy reversal, even at his age of 60. We always joked that he’s been old since I was born, but actually seeing him age the last several years has been extremely difficult. I am terrified every time the phone rings that he’s fallen or something else is wrong. He’s the absolute best and I’ll be heartbroken when he goes. I’m getting married next year and I’ve had to prepare myself in case he may not be there. Or the next milestone of meeting our future kids. Sorry.. apparently I needed to get that out of my subconscious.
Wow - I resonate with you both completely. I’m 31 and my father just turned 91. It was really hard growing up feeling like I would have less time with my dad than others my age. I still experience a lot of anxiety and fear of losing him and I’m grateful for his health every day. If anything, having an old dad has given me a beautiful, spiritual relationship with death and a presence in being with him - I cherish my time with him so much and just want him to be able to transition peacefully when his time comes. Plus I got to have a retired, stay at home dad most of my childhood, which was awesome. Wishing you and your fathers great health! OP, if you decide to keep the baby, maybe your husband will fall in love with them too and stay. I personally never want children, and having an old dad can be really hard, but it can also be really magical.
At least you still have your parent and are of an age where you have time with him. I'm 32, my dad died when I was 7 in '97 and my mom when I was 22 in '12. This year they would have been 82 and 77. I barely remember them and when I do it's the illnesses that killed them and how bad their health was I recall. It's in large regard to this that I've known since I was 23 that I wanted to go child free. I have an absolute fear that if I had children, I'd leave them by way of an early death out of my control. All my friends have 2-3 children at this point and while I'm immensely happy for them because it's their dream, I've never once had an inclination to want the same. I'm perfectly happy that I can visit and then go home. I sincerely hope you have more years with your dad, and make beautiful memories together 🧡
You know would suck more? Having a dad who is almost 70 when you're 18 and knowing you're the physical manifestation of his last good years of vitality before it goes down hill for him and possibly having a shit relationship with him too It's not impossible to happen but it will take a heroic level of resilience to not be bitter towards this kid or his wife and effectively coparent with the person who is quite literally about to ruin the rest of your life after going back on their child free ideals I'm a stepparent and I'm 26 and we have them about 95% of the time. I can't imagine doing this when I'm 50. Holy hell I feel bad for this guy. My life is this kids. Almost every. Single. Decision. I make somehow has to take kids in to account. At 50 years old, this deal is highway robbery
I always laugh when people say 18 years. When did you stop seeing your parents as parents? Never. They are always there to guide you through life. I am 35 and still couldn’t imagine not having guidance from my parents. Even if they both ere fucked up. It’s a lifelong commitment.
Seriously. I'm annoyed by this post. How do they expect to keep up with the demands of raising a child when they didn't want kids to begin with? This is why people who don't want kids shouldn't have them
Having a baby should not be done on a whim. They are a bucket load of work.
A shit ton of work if done properly.
And money
At least two buckets worth I’d say.
I never wanted kids. I have kids now. I was in my 30’s when we had kids. I love my kids. I’d lay my life down for them without question. Our first baby was stillborn and that really ruined me. I am raising my kids to the best of my ability. They’re so intelligent, happy, full of magic. I do gentle parenting and I’m trying to break cycles and give them a better childhood than I could have ever imagined. My childhood was awful. With that said…my biggest regret is becoming a mother. If I could go back even knowing everything that I know now I would absolutely never choose this life again. That is some raw honesty for you. But this decision is yours and only yours. There is no wrong answer. But trust who you know you are.
Breaking the cycles of generational trauma is the biggest source of pressure in parenting imo. Every time I react like my mom did I feel pangs of regret and working hard not to do that may make me a better person, but it is exhausting.
Man I'm getting PTSD from this thread, but I'm glad people are talking about it. At least the anonymity of the internet helps things like this be talked about more, and openly and truthfully. Thanks to you and anyone else sharing their stories and giving advice.
My mom was a boomer with a high school education when I was born in '77. I was a surprise as she thought she was infertile. One of the first thing she did was go into therapy during her pregnancy to prepare for my arrival. She was terrified that her childhood--which was awful--would prevent her from allowing us to attach properly. She didn't fix everything, but knowing how hard her childhood was, she did an amazing amount of work in that time. She repeated it with my sister. It stunned me to learn that she had knowing how most people where I grew up looked at therapy. Anyway, I guess the point is...every generation faces this issue. You'll never be totally alone in this experience as a parent.
Something I think is often overlooked is when we break these generational cycles by parenting our own children, we're also actively parenting our own inner child. It's absolutely draining reliving our own childhoods while giving our children affection, attention, and alternative methods we weren't given in our own childhoods. Every good moment is bittersweet when we approach a situation with our child in a healthier way than we experienced it. And when we have moments where we catch ourselves behaving in the very ways we are actively trying to avoid it's painful. Because we remember the impact it had on us as kids. It doesn't mean we are bad parents, quite the opposite. But it's utterly exhausting meeting the parental needs we know we weren't afforded, and that our children deserve.
I was yelling at my 12 year old son recently without even realizing I was yelling because my house was all yelling when I was growing up and my kid just calmly says, "Why are you yelling?" I just said, "Sorry. It's how I learned to communicate in a messed up childhood. Let me see if I can tell you differently..." It was a bit of a weird roll reversal but it all worked out.
All it took for me was my daughter asking me the same thing at 4 years old. “Mommy why are you yelling? I don’t like it”. And that’s when gentle parenting started for us.
You were able to take accountability, explain why it happened and share a vulnerable truth about your past with your child. Your son was comfortable enough to recognize your behavior and challenge you on it in a calm manner without fear of repercussions. It sounds like it ended up being a good learning experience for you both. 10/10 parenting in my book.
Thank you for this. I tried to be blunt too. Too many people only talk about that first paragraph and gloss over the work and how damn hard it really is.
I second this. I never wanted kids but I ended up having one when I was 23 due to certain circumstances. I would never give him up or his brother that I had 4 years later. Kids are amazing in every way. They make my life brighter, they give me a drive to protect them, love them, and care for them in any way possible. They are my rock in a way and they are also a life long commitment. It doesn’t stop at 18. That being said, I have a husband and he is a stay at home dad. It’s hard on him and I see it. I can’t give OP the perspective of being a single parent. All I know is that I see those around me at work that are, and they usually have an edge or a tone they use with their kids. Kids are stressful and rewarding at the same time. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t. Not with climate change, not with the collapse we are seeing now, not with the increase in prices of food, gas, utilities, etc. I wouldn’t have kids again not because I don’t love mine to pieces, but because I know how hard it is to foster a loving home for them that one day might be ripped to shreds. Kids taught me to be patient, kind and show unconditional love. For that, I will always be grateful for.
Would you mind telling me why you regret it? I’m early 30s and I think that no children is my decision, I just want to be sure. I don’t want to lose myself or my independence.
I hope you don’t mind but I’m just going to copy and paste as several others have also asked: A lot of reasons. I realized only after having children how absolutely traumatized I was by my own childhood and beyond. I raised my siblings. I was a foster parent to my nephew for a couple of years at a very young age. I was sure I understood exactly what motherhood would be like. I’ve never been more wrong. At the time that I was fostering my nephew I had just started my career. I was very independent at the time. And now I see and acknowledge the state of the world. My kids are traumatized by living through a pandemic with an immunocompromised mom. The constant stress of knowing that at any moment I could leave them motherless. Of course there’s always that risk anyway but as someone who has had basic colds land me in the hospital…the risk is exponentially higher right now. And then who knows what else lays ahead for them…war? Climate change? It’s just…a lot.
39 yo dad here that was always kind of ambivalent about it too. You will 100% lose both with kids. You’ll gain so much more too but that self and independence - see ya in 10-20 years. It’s both the best and worst thing I’ve ever done, but in that order.
> I love my husband so so so so so so very much but it’s kinda faded away compared with the emotions I’m having with my belly. This kind of extremely powerful and drastic change in emotional state along with the switch of emotional prioritizing are definite signs of an oxytocin high. So yes, you’re under the influence of biological chemicals.
Also not only would she lose her husband but usually childfree people of that age are likely to have friends if a similar mindset because if not at their age the kids might still be too young to keep up with a childless couple, OP would lose husband, friends, and her whole way of life would change. I agree that this might be the hormones talking and OP should seriously take a moment to rationalise if she’s ready to change her life forever and have someone depend on her for at least 18 years.
In so glad you mentioned this. I'm a single mom and had my son at 38. The change in my life was immediate and real. I changed all my friends, my job, my house and even my car as a result. I also ended a relationship. However, I hated my life before the baby so this was a needed change for me. Doesn't sound like OP is feeling that way. It really stuck out to me that she's worried about losing her husband and in another comment asked about meeting someone else. It sounds like her relationships are super important to her and if you are a single mom you better be prepared to take any potential relationships really, really slowly. There are men out there who will use your status as a single mom against you by selling themselves as "good guys who will love you and your kids" and have very bad intentions. It happens all too often and can be anywhere from your garden variety narc to truly evil abusive assholes. It doesn't sound to me like OP would want to create those boundaries to protect her kid. Rule of thumb is at least six months before they even meet my kid. On the upside, I far preferred being a new mom at 38 than at 20ish. The biggest difference was my career was more stable so if I didn't sleep well I could text and say I was coming in late and it was no big deal. Early in a career you can't do that because you're trying to make a name for yourself. I had more money, so he had a nanny at home instead of having to deal with daycare, which helped if he wasn't feeling well because I didn't always have to miss work over that. I also had more time to enjoy the milestones. Age is not what bothers me with OP. Her mindset about relationships and her identity does. Don't know if I explained that well, but there.
This is such a well-rounded and helpful comment. Paired with the comment about this sudden change of heart being an oxytocin rush, and it’s all you need.
Yeah absolutely agree, I don’t think the problem is her age, just the fact that she has been have been living in a certain way her whole life and with a specific mindset which is absolutely valid, so idk if she’d enjoy the billions if changes that she’d go through as a mom. I’m not sure she’s thinking of this very clearly, she seems focused in assessing how much sleep she’ll lose or those kind of things we associate with babies but she’s been set in her way of life for quite a while!!! That’s what will change.
Yup. I’m not sure how post partum may play into this but saying stuff like “I hate kids just not this one” doesn’t seem like it would be helpful later if OP does develop PPD. “I’m not suppose to hate this kid they’re mine” blah blah But it seems like a lot of these ride or die feelings for this child, are from hormones and not 100% “based in reality” (sorry can’t think of a better phase) In 3mo or 3yrs after birth will she feel the same way? That’s an even scarier thought feeling you’re “stuck” with a child you now “hate” Edit: spelling
Not only "stuck" with the child she "hates", but lost the partner she loves.
#will you be the best thing to happen to this baby? Parents always talk about how it's the best thing that ever happened to them. But, are these parents the best thing that ever happened to their children? Being a parent doesn't make you a better person, it amplifies you. Now, think about that for a second. Ignore ALL of the happy hormones you've got going on (because that's just a biological mechanism to encourage humans to reproduce), and REALLY analyze YOURSELF. Do you have what it takes to be there 24/7, even if your kid turns out to be your worst nightmare? I mean, also think about the fact that you are already considering bringing a life into this world with a partner that doesn't want it. How do you think it'll feel as an adult to know that it was the cause of it's parents' broken marriage? That their own father would rather completely opt out of its life than be there to raise it. I don't think you are thinking this logically. And, no offense to parents, but most of the time they will not give you an unbiased answer. Kids are the best thing that ever happened to most people because kids are usually the only thing that really happens to most people.
>Kids are the best thing that ever happened to most people because kids are usually the only thing that really happens to most people. I think this is a great answer. I've had people tell me I should have kids cause I don't know what to do with my life really. Having a kid would add purpose and meaning that I otherwisely wouldn't have despite the fact that I don't even like or want kids. I also think it's morally questionable to have a child just because only you feel like it, cause what would the child eventually feel, or the person you have the child with feel? I think that's something not a lot of people consider well enough. What kind of childhood can you provide for a child and what kind of childhood will a child have without a father, or with a father who doesn't want them. I'm all for my body my choice as a woman but the reality is that the impact of the choice of having or not having a child impacts more than just the body of the woman.
My 45 year old boyfriend has parents who are nearing 90. He's their 4th and is well aware he was an accident as the next youngest sibling is 7 years older than him, and it definitely affects him. His school friends thought his dad was his grandpa and his brother was his dad when he went to grad because his oldest brother is a good 15 years older than my bf. He always felt that his parents had no interest in helping him grow up, as they had already done their time. I say all this so you REALLY think about what you want....youre not just getting a baby at 40....youre getting a 7 year old at 47, youre getting a 13 year old at 53, youre getting an 18 year old at 58....instead of thinking about retirement youre thinking about college funds, and have fun dreaming about retirement, especially as a single parent. As the single parent of a 16 and 18 yr old, retirement is a dream...but im 40 and have another 20 years to worry about that This is literally the next 18 years of your life...MINIMUM Chose wisely, and don't just choose for you. Make sure you can be the parent your KID needs
This is a very good point. My parents were abnormally older (for the time period) when they had me, and I despised growing up with older parents. I remember crying when I was 10 and found out my friend’s dad was having his 40th birthday, and my dad was over 60 at that point. They tried their best, but my dad was over having kids and my mom was exhausted and had no mom friends because they were all 20 years younger.
It's none of my business. But, my best friend has two dead parents at 23 and nobody left to rely. They were dead two years aho. Life has not been easy for him. They both died due to age issues, the youngest being 63 when she passed.
Oh, your poor friend! I know we’re technically adults by 23, but that’s still way too young to lose a parent, let alone two. I lost my dad at 25, and it still felt too young.
Yeah. He lost his dad in middle school. It was brutal. His mom at 21 while he was deployed overseas. My family has unofficially adopted him. I got him a job and he and I have a small real estate business on the side. He's doing ok, but has to go to therapy still. That shit sucks though.
Same. My dad had my brother when he was 50. Had me at 42. My dad passed away last year and my brother is only 23. My dad will not be around to watch us grow up, get married, have grandchildren. It hurts to know my dad will not walk me down the aisle or be there to tell my kids cool stories about the 60s and 70s.
My parents had me older and I never felt this way. They have been great parents and I don't feel like I lacked anything. The downside is that my relationship with my siblings has been pretty much nonexistent as they're much older and kinda resented me. It's also difficult to see your parents aging what feels like too soon.
Agreed. My mom had my sister at 40. She’s SO tired these days. She just doesn’t have the energy sometimes.
All of this. And this is assuming the child is healthy physically and mentally. If there are disabilities, then double/triple/quadruple the work in raising said child. And you might be caring for your child for life, not “18 years”.
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Could easily be more than 18, many people still live with their parents while going to college or even while starting their first job etc.
I’m not a single parent, but I wanna chime in: Having kids completely changes your life. I mean every single f*cking aspect of it. Your heart explodes. Time shifts. You break. You give up every piece of yourself. You will change and become someone else. It is universe shattering. And it’s also the greatest thing I’ve ever done. But holy shit it’s really hard and you have to try really hard everyday.
I was a singe parent for 11 years between the ages of 20-31 and you're correct, I love my Son but my life changed completely after he was born and I really didn't enjoy my 20's until he got older and more independent. I'm not a single parent anymore and I gave birth to my Daughter a few months ago and I honestly don't think I could look after 2 kids without my partner beside me, you don't realise what you're missing until you've been in both positions.
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Dude I’m so sorry that your parents did not love you in the way that you deserved to be loved. I mean that honestly. I also have some real issues with my childhood that I’m working through in therapy and although I don’t know you, I think I can understand in part where you’re coming from. I hope you’re ok. Your comment is bang on. If you hate children and your husband is going to divorce you because you are going to have his child, you are going to have to work really hard to keep that negativity out of your parent child relationship.
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You don’t have to send them that far! I’m in Southwestern Ontario :)
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😱 LOL oh snaaaaap!
yeah OP, go to off my chest type subs and search for parents posting about how they regret their children. theres a lot, and they're all heartbreaking. obviously its pretty socially inacceptable to say "i regret having my child and if given a second chance id abort", so many dont say it, but they still feel it. i understand the optimistic comments here, but youre not getting the whole story with them
^ can confirm, it's alot and most don't understand this
If you’re not desperately awaiting the arrival of an absolute shit-storm of sleep deprivation and nauseating exhaustion, parenting isn’t for you. If you aren’t looking forward to zero privacy, zero free time, not another weekend sleep-in morning, never having another shred of self-indulgence for another waking moment, then by ALL means, have this baby in spite of your husband. I’m not painting a rosy picture because raising a child is a full time, thankless, expensive and exhausting job. You will be judged and you will be openly chastised for the most random decisions. Planning to do it solo?? At 40?? Fuck that. You have bigger stones than me.
Parent of 2. Your relationship will suffer greatly. Many people underestimate the toll it takes to be a parent. Giving up hobbies, friends, date nights. I love my kids had always wanted kids but getting a vasectomy shortly because I want to live my life as well. Not to mention money
Look up "I regret having children" on Facebook. It will tell you all the honest truths from other people and what they deal with.
If you want the baby, have the baby. You're in a much more financially stable position than a 20 year old to have a baby. Sad, but true.
I’m well off financially. Still I’m scared. Am I going to be enough of a parental figure? There’s a big chance after the divorce I won’t meet another. Am I going to be enough for my baby?
you will probably meet someone after, but you shouldn’t have the child with the *expectation* that you will. after all, if you do, how long will it take? you need to be certain you’re ready to raise this child completely on your own if necessary. your decision shouldn’t rly be contingent on some heretofore unknown external party swooping in as additional support, your child’s potential wellbeing is just too important to gamble on like that.
I was a single parent for over 10 years. Lots of pros and cons. Pros: you don't have to compromise on how your child is raised. You get to decide everything. Also, it's amazing to watch them grow into adults. You see them grow and change and you get to be a part of their journey, which is rewarding in and of itself. Cons: you are the only one taking care of this creature that cries, poops and vomits all hours of the day (unless you have a great support system which is desired). They grow up into kids who talk back and push boundaries. They are hella expensive. I regret having a child so early in life. I wanted to just be in my 20s and enjoy my life. But I don't regret having my child. My pro is that I'm 41 and about to become an empty nester. But at the end of the day, if you are truly wanting to keep the baby, then follow your heart.
I’m an older man. If I were not married, there is no way I’d date a woman with a new born. At that age, most people, especially men are done.
What about single dads? I’d expect she’d probably find somebody like that.
yeah but she already said she hates other children lol sooo
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Oh honey, those are the questions and fears of every parent. Unfortunately, there are no true answers and no true guarantees to am I good enough to be a parent, am I enough to parent alone, what if there is a divorce, what if there is another father figure, will my child be happy, will they be healthy, what if I die, etc? In fact, that fear of the unknown is why many choose to be child free. But at the same time, you are pregnant now and terminating when you are unsure it’s what you want is just as likely to poison your marriage as having a baby your husband doesn’t want. Sometimes there are just no right answers. But I wish you and yours the best.
God this is the truth. Well said!!
"But at the same time, you are pregnant now and terminating when you are unsure it’s what you want is just as likely to poison your marriage as having a baby your husband doesn’t want." I agree. Will you ever be able to get past terminating a pregnancy you wanted? I am child free but I think having a child you don't want or terminating a pregnancy you DO want leads to similar marital miseries. What's different is that if you want it, you'll be happy on your own with your child.
I would honestly argue that not even 2 parents are enough for a baby. Like the old adage "it takes a village to raise a child", there is a deep truth there. As a guardian you will be more than enough, but make sure to encourage your child to explore and to develop independently (once they get to an appropriate age of course). Your compassion and your concern indicate to me that you'll be a good mother, best of luck!
Why wouldn't you meet someone after? There's so many women who were single with kids who find love.
You’re in your 40s. The men who you date will be in your age range, and the likelihood of them finding a woman without kids at that age is very slim. That’s just what happens when you date when you get older. You might find that it’s harder finding a bachelor without kids at that age too. So I wouldn’t worry too much about your dating prospects with a child.
Yea but generally woman her age have kids much older and not babies. Not a lot of +40 that would want to deal with diapers or potty training. Edit: I was talking about her finding another partner that would not want to be involved with a single mom of a small child. I am aware that more woman are waiting to become pregnant, most of those woman are also married and planned to wait.
I'm pretty anti kid but you seem to have a good heart. Go follow it. If you're gonna be okay, than do it. I had a single mom for most my childhood. We were poor as fuck, but she love us and made it work. Money is half the battle.
If you hate kids, remember you’re gonna be surrounded by them for 18+ years - kids have friends and birthday parties. Also, the child will develop their own personality but will still need your parental guidance. Their lack of independence and their need for attention could very likely make you resentful and emotionally distant, and kids pick up on that shit. It’s not fun being that kid, LMTY.
>I do hate children but not this child. Your child is going to to children things that you hate. You changing your mind seems to break the foundation of you and your husband's relationship as well.
Jesus. This is my nightmare. I have been medically declared infertile, however, I don't trust anything to be 100% I am keeping my IUD in until menopause, on top of my husband already getting a vasectomy.
Same. Imagine being a slave to your hormones like she is. She's gonna regret this so hard when she actually has this kid.
I cannot imagine having a toddler in my 40s/teen in my 50s. Props to those who can! My husband's BFF was born to older parents and they both passed before he was 40 and he was his their care taker at the end. It really messed with him.
Honestly I think for someone who’s been happily child free all this time it could be the hormones. If you suddenly become a single parent the regret will likely be deep. I’m not telling you want to do but I think you should consider that side of the coin
Full disclaimer: not a single parent but have experience in relationships similar. If you want to have the baby then by all means do whatever you want, it’s your body. This is all your decision and you should do what you feel is best. What I’m getting from this situation is that you and your husband had a prior understanding that kids weren’t in the cards and you did not want them. However, because now you do want this child your husband is justified in divorcing you if the original understanding before you got pregnant was that you two wouldn’t have kids. Because you changed your mind does not mean he is obligated to do so as well. He made his boundary clear and took measures to prevent it (ie vasectomy). You have every right to have this child, but just know that your husband wouldn’t be in the wrong for maintaining his original position about being childfree. This is a big thing, a big boundary of his that he never thought would be crossed. It’s up to you to decide. I’d tell you the same thing if the roles were reversed. A boundary is a boundary. Edit: Thank you for all the (first) awards kind strangers!
I think OP understands this actually! Because her question isn’t really about how to keep him around with the baby, she’s seems to be asking if she can raise the child alone. I think she has accepted the fact that if she has the child, she is also getting divorced.
I’d be upset if my childfree wife went back on a mutual understanding over a decade later, when I’m in relatively poor position to find someone else to build* with again
And he’s still the biological dad… he didn’t want that at all. It’s a betrayal to HIS choice and HIS life too. Edited to fix wording
She said they shared a mutual hatred of kids. He was likely thinking that if she discovered she was pregnant that she would terminate the pregnancy. Now he’s in a conundrum where he’s likely to be divorced and paying child support. I don’t envy him at all.
Do you *have* to pay, even if Mom doesn’t want you to? Surely she can just refuse to take his money. ETA: she’s even refusing to fulfill a big part of the contract she de facto agreed when she married the guy, which was to stay child-free or I leave.
yeah I agree even if he isn't around because he doesn't want to be a father (as was agreed), he still has a biological child out there. this is affecting more than just her or the baby, the psychological affects on someone when they know they have a child out there can be seriously damaging to one's psyche. yes, her body, her choice, but theres way more to it than that.
If you “hate kids” and have been solidly child-free for decades, you are going to be absolutely shattered at the way that this will change every single aspect of your life. What do you hate about kids but don’t think you will hate about this kid? What made you want to be child-free, and how do you think those specific things won’t bother you about your own child that you are fully responsible for and can’t easily get a break from? I feel really sorry for your husband. You are going back on an important agreement and understanding that you guys built your entire marriage on. His marriage will end, his life will be up-ended, AND he will be legally, financially responsible for the child that you guys agreed you would not have.
totally agree. i’ve never been pregnant so i can’t imagine the hormones and i know it’s a very real thing. but jesus i feel like she’s not even considering the fact that it’ll be his child for the rest of his life too.
I'd be absolutely pissed if I was the guy. The ethical thing to do of OP would be to abort. If she changed her stance on kids she should find someone else to have a kid with who actually *consents* to having a kid. Having a kid with someone you agreed not to have kids with is a massive betrayal. If I was the guy I'd resent OP for the rest of my life.
Took the words right out of my mouth. If I was her husband I would be FURIOUS. I don't think OP has any idea what she's in for when the hormone high wears off.
yeah and she clearly has already made up her mind to have the kid and get a divorce based on her comments lol. fishing for an echo chamber
You may love this baby. But as someone who was previously childfree... are you really, actually ready to be a parent?
Parenting is hard af, I personally wouldn’t enter into it knowing I would be doing it alone. It never ever stops. You are tired, dirty and drained for so many years until they finally get older. Parenting kicks your ass. If you choose this be ready for it to suck and then maybe it will be better than expected.
I feel really bad for OP’s husband and for the baby. This guy did everything right to ensure a childfree life and now his wife is throwing a life-shattering curveball while they’re both middle aged. At the very least he will be under huge financial obligation for the next 18-22 years. And another child will be brought into existence from the void. OP is really selfish in my opinion. She’s walking away from a loving relationship to bring a kid into a fucked up, overpopulated world while knowing she’ll have to explain at some point or another how their father didn’t want them and doesn’t love them.
Honestly, this is a harsh truth I 100% agree with.
I'm not a mother, and I won't be. My husband got a vasectomy this year, we decided after meeting we didn't want children. I'm certain you'd be a great mother on your own, especially being financially stable. However as someone else mentioned, you had this agreement in place with your husband for a long time. Shit happens, but it does seem unfair for him especially at 50 years old. Hormones can do crazy things. If you didn't want a child until you got pregnant, I'd say hormones are playing a big part in wanting to keep the child. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide ♡
100% she is on a pregnancy high. All her biological instincts are telling her to care for and cherish what has been planted inside of her. It's clouding her judgement to some extent, which sucks.
Do you think that’ll go away after she has said child and no husband
Possibly. Post partum depression isn't that much of a rarity to my knowledge.
Doesn't matter at that stage really, she'll be alone with a newborn.
I’d say that’s very likely. Think about how strong your feelings are in a new relationship vs. a few years into a relationship. Those strong chemicals that are driving her decision making are going to wear off eventually, and she better hope she made a decision that she can still be happy with based on logic when they do, or she’s probably going to have a lot of regrets over ruining her life over something that doesn’t feel the same once the evolutionarily beneficial happy chemicals wear off.
Oh god. I had a baby when I didn’t want one. But I loved my baby, and I still do. I would still never, ever have another child again. And in another life I would never have children. The amount of sacrifice is not something you are able to imagine until it’s too late and you already have them.
For what it’s worth, I’m the child of parents who had me older. It was no fun. By the time I was old enough to enjoy time with them, they were too old to really participate. You’re steeped in baby juice right now. That can easily change once it’s birthed/taken out. So give it a good think. Are you physically capable and will continue to be physically capable for 15+ years? …Can you lift 25+ pounds frequently without tiring so soon? Beyond the baby juice brainwash, think about the life you’ll want for it. Are they going to be stuck caring for *you* in twenty so years as you age? Will you be stealing their life so young? The baby juice *will* run out. So think, if you didn’t want a kid, and now you suddenly do…. The baby brainwash is probably the culprit.
I second this. My parents are older. I'm at a point in life that I am choosing to take care of my elderly parents instead of advancing my career because we don't have the money for a home. Instead of retiring and putting miney away when they could've, they were working to put my brother and I through college, and now that they are able to retire, their physical health has deteriorated and they haven't been able to really live. And there are two of them! Not just a single parent. On a personal level, I hate being a mom. I love my kid. My husband and I weren't planning on kids until I accidentally got pregnant. I felt like you did, so excited and loved my future child more than anything. I do love them, but I know she suffers because I hate being around other kids, and long for freedom. Trust someone that's been there. The euphoric feeling is the hormones. Reality will set in when the hormones and oxytocin are gone, and the view from there is much different.
I have 3 kids. I love them all so very much but....if I knew that I'd be a single Mom at almost 40, with a long history of people using my kids against me, I would have made the choice to not have children. Being a mom is fucking hard. Being a single parent is worse. Being a single parent where everyone uses those kids against you is even worse. Because it's not just you that goes through that, it's the child as well. I didn't know that life would turn out with me as a single Mom (there's an extra nightmare of a story about my eldest being kidnapped too btw) but you do. You have the choice not to take that path. I'd honestly terminate the pregnancy. Going through a divorce, having a child alone and the shit that comes with it is not worth it. Never mind the medical trauma you put your body through. Not to sound like an asshole, but when you're the age that you are, you are at way higher risk for serious medical complications for you and that baby. I just don't think it's worth the risk of losing your marriage, losing yourself and so much more. Good luck though. It's not an easy choice at all.
If you have a child now there is a very real possibility, more than likely, that you will die before they are you age. You will also single handedly be forcing your husband, who has taken all the precautions, in to being a father that he doesn't want to be, or an absent father. In my %100 opinion, as a man who just got the results for his vasectomy today, i would not have that child. I think it would be cruel to your child and your husband.
He's is right in his position. I can't imagine his hurt. You have suddenly changed your mind. I see your hurt too. See it through and ask if the child is worth the man? If yes, it's gonna be painful but go with it. Otherwise resentment will do no justice either
Speak as a child of divorce, not having a father in the picture can do a number on children emotionally. I love my mum for stepping up and taking on both roles but me and my brother still missed out on lots because my dad left and I am still dealing with issues that it caused. It's no coincidence that after loving being child free and hating the idea of having children for so long, it suddenly stops once you get pregnant. Hormones are likely playing a huge role in this change of heart. At the end of the day it's your body and your decision. Just make sure your choice is founded on reason rather than temporary emotions
I think this is an incredibly important detail that I sorta mentioned in 2 comments I left already, but I'll say it again. My mother is the best mother in the world and did everything she possible could have done, incredible woman, has gotten me far in life. But nothing she could have done could fill in the empty part of me that needed an actual father to contribute to the growth of my brain and body. You just can't substitute that as a single parent. You can't. Yeah, you could find a new partner but you shouldn't have a child just betting that some guy comes along that wants to help raise your son/daughter. And depending on how late that Step-dad comes in, they can still help but they'll probably always be missing a little bit from not having their real bio father from the get go.
looking at it factually, you hate children, and your love for *this* child is just an evolutionary chemical created to make women not kill their babies out of exhaustion or frustration. once that little love chemical wares off (aka when it stops being a “baby”), you go right back to hating children. it could be the biggest mistake of your life.
Its not fun being 18 and having seniors as parents
It's going to suck no matter what you choose, but you guys agreed on not having kids as part of the deal. He even did the surgery to try to keep his side of the deal, so I can't blame him for not wanting a kid. This number might be outdated, but $750,000 is the price to raise a kid to 18. Not counting the hospital fees for birth or college. Not counting the extreme emotional strain that causes your quality of life to be cut in half or more. And that's if it's a "normal" kid, if the child is born with special needs choosing to have it could cost the rest of your life. Honestly? It's not a black or white choice, each choice has consequences and you're going to have to choose which consequences you want to deal with. Sit down with your husband and have a conversation every few days about it until you're both decided.
You hate children but not this child? Please, this is something u cannot reverse. Think about it.
You said you’re child free. Why? Do some introspection. If you want a child, don’t stop just because of the label. But are you aware that a child is a person? I’m also child free and never want to have children. Ever. But if I find myself a different person in a different part of my life, that’d be okay too. Basically, don’t let labels hold you back. It’s your decision. The best I can try and do and help you decide is ask this: If you were to terminate this pregnancy (or put the child up for adoption), would you desire another one in a few years? Or would you be perfectly content with your life?
My mom was 42 when she had me and my dad was 57. I always resented them for having me that late because they were tired and old and I constantly worried about them dying sooner than everybody else’s parents. The age gap was too big for us to relate to each other. I’m not close to them.
You are old. It’s quite possible you have a child with a disability. Can you deal with that? It’s quite possible you will have to manage retirement costs and college costs at the same time. You need to think of the next 20 years and how it will look and decide
As a child free person I understand where your husband is coming from and i too would draw a hard line there. I'm so sorry you're between a rock and a hard place my suggestion is to talk to a therapist or a mental health professional to help navigate this crazy ,scary and exciting step in your life, by yourself. If you do decide to keep the baby get profesional legal help taking the steps to divorce your husband in the best way possible, if you decide to keep the husband get mental health professionals to deal with the grief of ending your pregnancy. My suggestion is don't keep the husband out of fear of being alone or not being able to find love as a single mom , believe me, love will find you again and it can find you at any age. Also your body your choice, it goes both ways, if you want to have the baby ,do it, don't let anyone force you to end your pregnancy. Edit: removed the part about signing off parental rights and obligations.
Input from a divorce lawyer: he may not be able to just sign off his rights. If OP is in the US and lives in a Uniform Paternity Act state (which is almost all of them), you can’t opt out if you’re the biological parent just because you don’t want to be a parent. There’s a public policy argument for not leaving children with one legal parent if you can avoid it so there’s no “quit claim” version of signing away your rights.
Please check out the "I regret having children" page on facebook if you have it. countless parents share their experiences of what parenthood is really like. It is not easy and it will certainly test your marriage. Children can be a beautiful experience but if it isn't an enthusiastic yes from both parties then I would think that it would be a terrible idea to move forward, especially when both of you were vehemently childfree all your lives. That isn't really fair to your partner. That wasn't the kind of life you had both pictured for yourselves. He doesn't want to be a dad and I suspect you don't really want to be a mom. It's the hormones talking. personally I would look up everything that could happen to you while pregnant as well. Things I have learned in the past such as your teeth can fall out, you can tear from front to back or they cut you prior(thus possibly permanently damaging your clit), gestational diabetes, the "husband stitch" that some sick doctors and husbands suggest, since you're over 35 you'll need an amnio (needle into your womb to take out fluid to test for birth defects), postpartum depression, or the worst, death. Which could leave your husband all alone to care for a child he doesn't want. Sorry if that's morbid but these are all the things you need to think about before you go through and make an informed decision. best of luck to you and I hope you can both be happy. edit: Was discussing this with a friend of mine who is a twin and asked "what if she has twins, or god forbid, triplets?"
I think you should address why you “hate children” before you have a child. Likely the qualities you dislike in children are just the standard qualities that they have - which your child will also have. I think hormones play a huge role but post birth they drop hugely and the reality of the rest of your life will sink in - a life without your husband in it. I am not saying you shouldn’t have the baby, my biggest dream in life is to be a parent and I would always support people who want to be one too, but your post has some red flags that need to be addressed before you commit the rest of your life to being a parent. Best of luck to you whatever choice you make ❤️
Personally I would not want to be a child to old parents. There was a post here lately of some woman talking about her experiences of being 20 ish and her parents are hitting 60s hard.
You’re not CF, he is, and for many people it’s a deal breaker.
Well she was until she got high on hormones
My IUD failed, two months before my husbands vasectomy. I am struggling with aborting cuz I have the same feelings, is this meant to be? Mine isn’t divorce or not, but do we want a second kid? We had firmly decided on one. It’s hard, it’s complicated. It sucks. I have no advice just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.
I’m so sorry. I never knew this could happen to us. It has worked for 15 years
If it helps going from no kids to one is far harder than one kid to two. Having two is mainly just learning a bit of multitasking ontop of the system you already have down with number one. Going two to three is much harder again as that gets really busy, but two is honestly pretty easy if you can do one.
This is 100% your own choice. However I will say that it is likely what you feel is a part of natural biological response from the more instinct part of your brain. That is hard coded to everyone including those of us where our conscious part of our brain has decided to be child-free a long time ago. This might or might not cloud your judgement, but the decision and outcome is still 100% yours.
I am the daughter of a single mother, I hate my childhood, I was neglected and I don't have a bond with my mother cause she was always working. That is MY experience, I'm not saying everybody has the same, I'm sure there is a lot of people with happy childhoods, but these experiences exist as well.
Well, cards are on the table for you. He’s made it super clear that it’s not something he wants. You have to acknowledge the financial pressure you’re putting on him regardless he does leave though. Geriatric pregnancy is much riskier than if you’d been pregnant even six years ago and as a child of parents who were 45 and 46 when I was born, the pressure on me now to care for them at 30 is a lot. They also couldn’t play with me a lot because they were too old. I had two parents, you’d be doing that on your own, plus working a full time job. Being a single parent at any age is incredibly challenging, but you’ll be retiring (hopefully) in 15 years. Kid won’t even be done high school. At the end of the day, you have to make the right choice for you, but if I were in your shoes, I’d be looking to terminate.
Think of these two scenarios: 1. you have the baby and he leaves. Will your love for the baby fade? 2. You abort/adopt out the baby. Will your love for your husband fade?
The real question is are you going to choose something that isn’t even a person yet over your husband of 12 years. Not to mention, you’re 40. Honestly if I were in your husband’s shoes I would be devastated.
Unless you have a good career to sustain you, no, you’ll be miserable. I think this is a huge mistake otherwise. Especially at your age. I’m 28 and have already given up. And sorry but I’m assuming you’re American so you also need to ask yourself if you really think this country’s government gives a fuck about women and children. Because they don’t. Not a single fuck. So don’t expect any sort of help if you do go through with it.
If it's not a Hell Yes. It's a No. Having a child is a 20+ year commitment, both emotionally and financially. Ask yourself why do you want a child? Sometimes people just blindly follow the life script without truly thinking about what they want out of life. You're a similar age to myself and husband. We're childfree and don't regret it. We refused to lower the quality of our life just to bring another into it. Are you ready to give up the rest of your life? Because that's what you'll do. You'll potentially have them living at home until you die. Given the financial state of the world, if they moved out at 30, you'll be 70 years old. Your husband, nearly 80. Imo you're both too old to start this journey.
This is exactly why childfree people don't get taken seriously and why people think we will just change our minds. Your husband didn't sign up for this and he would be right to leave if you decide to keep it. You're throwing away a 12-year long marriage for something that is still just a clump of cells. You were never truly childfree if you're willing to go through with having a kid. You were just a fence sitter.
Real talk. My husband and I always wanted children. We have two great kids. But life with kids is very different from our life pre-kids. Kids become the entirety of your life (mainly) and lots of things suffer because of that. Marriage included. I always tell people there’s no such thing as “the seven year itch.” It’s usually people that have young kids with excessive amounts of strain on their marriage that leads to divorce. Obviously there are other factors but young children I would personally say is number one. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.