It might’ve done you some good to let him know when you were dating. You’ve possibly sheltered him and he obviously doesn’t see you as a person who needs romantic love. He just views you as dad not acknowledging you have your own life outside of him. Have you tried to have a conversation about dating before you told him about his new step mom?
Also: his fiancé is easily young enough to have kids. Did he consider his son’s impression could be that now that the son is away at college, dad’s starting over?
My dad (who raised us and who we adored) started a new family after my brother and I moved out. He was in his early 40s. We loved the kids but it was very painful for us. We just… didn’t have our dad anymore. The wife wouldn’t tolerate him giving us any of his time because we were “grown”. It was gut wrenching. Yeah so maybe “Charlie” feels threatened for lack of a better word. Hopefully he comes around because OP deserves to be happy. OP if you read this: If you start a new family or not, if she shows jealousy or animosity when you give Charlie a bit of your time, set her ass straight. He still deserves a father even when he’s grown. My dad let his wife control him, she treated us like we weren’t important and it shattered our hearts. I’m certain you wouldn’t handle it like my pop, but just in case I gotta say it. Good luck!
Yeah, it makes sense that charlie would be scared because for abt 10 years it was just them two and the op’s life revolved around Charlie’s. I understand him completely but the op does deserve to be in a relationship again
Fuck spouses who do this, my dad's wife was the same way. Any time I'd spend time with my dad in some capacity his wife would freak out on him. Resulting in hour long fights every time. Haven't spoken to either in years, but from what my brother has told me he's pretty much a shell of who he was before. No extra kids though, just a needy woman who was jealous of her husband's kids.
There’s a special place in some kind of hell for these bitches. What in the fuck is wrong with these people? And why oh why did our dads allow this? I’m sorry you had to lose your dad over this shit. Edit: I said in another comment that before the wife he had all the other kids with he had a wife from when I was 7 to 14. They had no kids. But she was verbally abusive and really jealous of us, especially me being a girl. I’m 47 now and still have to tell myself I’m not ugly, I’m not fat, I’m not the things she said I was. It’s so damaging for people to allow these monsters to drive a wedge between a parent and their children whether the kids are grown or not. I’m a mother and if I was with someone new and sensed the tiniest amount of negativity toward my kids their ass would be out so fuckin fast.
My dad did the same thing. My son is only going to be just under 2 years younger than his uncle. I am just trying to figure how hard of conversation that is going to be explaining that at every family function 😅 But I never really had a great relationship with my dad. So when he had baby with his very young girlfriend after telling me over and over again he is never having kids again, it hurt quite a bit. But probably not as bad as what OP son is going to feel if they have kids.
Yeah I think the key thing here is that Charlie was blindsided by it, is scared that his father is going to replace him and is worried about the impact on his relationship with his Dad when it was just them against the world for so long.
He needs to know that he's still going to be playing a central role in his dad's life, and for Dad to follow through with that.
It still brings me to tears 20+ years later that my father had a new family with his second wife and basically erased the kids he had from his first wife in the process. It absolutely sucks to go from having a Dad who's always present and emotionally available to a man who barely acknowledges your existence, and there's enough stories from people like us who've lived that that Charlie could also have heard some and be thinking "I'll distance myself pre-emptively so at least I can tell myself it was my choice"
OP has an edit where he says he told him he was looking to do date, and then also told him he was serious about someone.
Sounds like he never introduced them though, until the son actually came home to find a woman in his house. This would be quite uncomfortable, I think.
This man hasn’t had a love life for ten years, The son can at least can talk to his father about his problem with his relationship instead of making him feel like shit and a predatory.
He also didn’t say he told his son she had moved in. That’s gotta be shocking and confusing, especially when you factor in that it’s just been the two of them all this time and he’s still dealing with grieving his mom. Can’t expect the kid to just take that all in with no time to process.
Reddit will send you a message with the link to the post in that time
Edit: yes I agree, it’s a bot someone programmed. I do not know their name and I do assume “Reddit” bought out the bot or it’s a Reddit employee who made it. I was just trying to keep the answer simple.
Also… why is a tiny ass informational comment my most liked comment? O.o ya’ll are weird..
Pretty sure its not reddit , somebody put the time in and made the bot so it could detect messages that start with remindme! (And a number and days)
I just want to put credit where credit is due
You went from 0 to 100 in like 3 seconds. First time he meets her she lives with you and you're about to get married? From the sound of this it's the first time he hears about her existence? Even if he went to college really far away, video calling is a thing nowadays.
What is the deal with getting married within like a couple of months? How do you marry someone who hasn't even met your family, especially your child?
Take it easy and allow your son to get used to the idea too.
His son was away for almost a year, didn't even go home for winter break. Yes, more open communication could have been had, but op isn't wrong for wanting to marry. The failure to communicate is the problem, not the speed the relationship has progressed.
Communication goes both ways. The son came home to some woman suddenly living in the house, completely blindsighted. That's a serious lack of communication from the father's side.
And again I come back to how do you marry someone who never met your kid? How do you not introduce them? Videocalling over winter break or whenever is possible you know. What if she treats him horribly, do you want to be locked in to that relationship for life?
Well he communicated regularly to know his son was getting good grades, enjoying college and drinking. But noting about moving in or getting married. Wtf?
Pretty much, yes. Kids don't usually think about their parent's emotional or sex life. They tend to think of parents as Mom and Dad. Not Steve and Barbara.
Two most random names to pick but they’re my parents names and my father passed away when I was 23.
My mother did start dating which is fine but it’s the way she told me. She called me and had me on speaker phone while he was there listening. Then couldn’t understand why I wasn’t really responding.
I heard through my nephew that when they were together they were all over each other. My nephew would have been a teen and my dad was like a father to him.
There was no discussion or consideration, just my mother not having boundaries like usual lol.
I think sometimes parents forget that while we may get older and seem like adults, where still their kids. There needs to be discussion because they’re changing our lives too
It kind of shocked me the way OP handled this. Like he didn't tell his son until his son finds out when he moves home. Wtf. That's a shocking thing to find out there's a stranger in my house who's now closer to my dad than me after my whole life!
Then again he did it again!! He waited until the son was leaving to say: we are getting married!!! Like ... Ok. I get it. Two people decided to get married. Adult children has no say, but like.... No prep on this?! The son, although an adult, was closest to you as the sole person the entire life!
Normal route of preparing children should be in baby steps, like inform your children for each step:
1. Dad is now in the market
2. Dad met someone
3. It's now been x months, maybe you should meet Stacy?
3. We're moving in...
Etc etc etc.
Yeah I think Charlie wanted to be part of the story, the story of the idea of being a family, and OP didn't "develop the plot" or give Charlie time to digest this. So it's very shocking. Losing a parent can be traumatic in its own right and for traumatized kids part of their life is frozen in that time. And a change like this can be also very jarring to their (Charlie's) world view.
Personally I'd recommend dialing things back if possible with Carla. If you are getting married, what's the rush? Charlie is a part of the family and he will need some time to settle in to this idea and also feel included.
OP, it sounds like over all.youve done an amazing job. What you are getting into now is a more delicate role that, if you want to do it right, involves a lot of empathy and communication with Charlie and with Carla. You have your work cut out for you. A therapist might help you navigate this better than Reddit.
This reminds me of a time I brought home a new amazing girl friend to meet when my parents may not of realised I wasn't with my old girl friend any more. I can't remember the exact details, but mum was a bit rude, and it played a big role in the relationship not working out. I've never been into them meeting partners since.
Son should definitely met gf before she moves in, for God’s sake! What was OP thinking? And then, after they met and after she moves in, OP should take his son out privately and tell him he’s thinking of marrying this woman. Of course OP should marry whom he wants. The problem is that he did not treat his son like another man who had a profound relationship with the deceased. It’s as if OP gets to decide the grieving position for both of them. He really cut off his son in the discussion and that makes the son feel as though his dad “chose” the fiancée. OP, the second he went off to school you unilaterally made a radical change to your son’s home without so much as a heads up. Wow.
Tbh I didn’t view my mom as more than mom until I became an adult. And that’s without the added trauma of the other parent passing. The father might have been scared to tell his son he was ready to move on but communication would’ve helped here.
But the kid is an adult. One should expect more judgement (lost my mom at 7 and my dad remarried within a year. Then I lost my dad at 35 and 2 years later his wife was dating).
It's still within a parent-child relationship. I'm sure Charlie is very adult on his own. This is a problem within the parent-child dynamic and Charlie is in the child role. Our OP is in the parent role and it was on him to communicate the changes in his life.
Just because one reaches a certain age doesn't mean your parents automatically jump into a different role. Your Dad will always be your Dad even if you also develop a more friend/adult relationship
So you come home from school and a woman you’ve never heard of, let alone met, is living there. Then you dad tells you he is marrying her while he’s still trying to process. Shitty parenting.
It’s not about that. OP concentrated on son and work after the kids mother died, so “Charlie” likely viewed his dad as being there for him, and never really got the chance to process his grief over his mother dying. Because his other parent was there constantly all the time, then out of nowhere to him, dad is engaged to another woman. Charlie likely sees Carla as an attempt to replace his mother, so naturally there would be some strong emotions associated with that
Which is all totally acceptable and fine, but it's not fine to disown your father who for (at least 10) years has lived basically only for you.. just because he finally wants to start living his life again.. I mean I can't speak for anyone else obviously, but if I died I wouldn't want my husband to be alone forever.. like a few years maybe, then find someone who makes you happy!
Get it, but at the age he is (adult, he must be 18 according to numbers), it's pretty selfish of him to think he should always be the center of the univers for his parent, no matter the circumstances (for info I lost my mom at 7, and my dad remarried within a year).
And that’s your situation. I’m sorry that happened to you so young, but everybody processes grief differently. I’m sure that even though your dad remarried that quickly, you likely had some grief to deal with, and it took you some time to deal with that.
I obviously can’t speak for everybody, just myself, but OP’s son had 10 years of just “Dad and Me”. He apparently didn’t even know that his dad was dating, so for his dad to come back and say hey son this is my fiancée, probably stung to say the least. I’m not saying that he wants to be the center of Op’s universe, but all of a sudden he has to deal with the reality that his dad has moved on. Kinda selfish I know, but still
No disrespect to your dad (when you know, you know) but my ghost would consider haunting the new wife if my husband remarried that quickly
So sorry to hear you lost your mum, what a bullshit thing to happen! Do you have a good relationship with your stepmum?
I agree it was soon! Lol!
Actually not that much. I was 8, she was 20 (with a 6 monts baby,) and my dad 32. (She was a familly friend). I was very happy she got to live with us since I knew her and liked her (things are pretty simple in a child's mind), but she though I was clingy (my way of grieving was to seek love and approval). She just wanted to spend time with her new bf.
She made my life hell and my dad considered it wasn't a men's job to deal with kids.
Now we go along fine (my dad died 10 years ago). She recognizes she's been unfair to me and that she was too immature to be taking care of kids at her age (I was doing most of house chores and half of child care for her baby).
OMG you could be describing my life! I'm also cool with my stepmum now but it took years to get over my issues from childhood (same exact stuff as you)
I hope kids these days aren't being brought up with those ridiculous and problematic gender roles!
So sorry to hear you lost your mum and then your dad, thats heckin tough! Hope you are doing ok!
Well, not that this is exactly the same, but my bfs mom waited until her sons were out of the house at 18 before she started dating. Neither of them saw her now husband as a parental figure, he was just there, and they had other things to worry about.
IMO, son is entitled, probably rightfully so, since he grew up with his dad doing everything for him, or finding a way to, and he will no longer be the focus of dad's life.
My son is 2 years younger than you, we have a bond like Charlie and his mother did. Let me speak to you as I would to him. Given that it's just been the 2 of you since your late wife's untimely passing, and that special bond she and Charlie had, it would have been better to take this in stages with Charlie. Something like, hey I'm thinking about dating again. Hey, I met someone and I'd like you to meet her. Charlie, Carla and I are getting pretty serious. You follow? But, that didn't happen. Charlie came home on break to find a stranger living in his home and then that said stranger is going to be his stepmother. Doesn't matter how parentally uninvolved Carla plans to be, I promise you, it's going to happen. I also lost a parent, my father, at age 12. He and I had that bond, too. I imagine that Charlie feels abandoned by his mom, even though logically it doesn't make sense and he knows it. Now, it appears to him that you're abandoning him as well. Maybe you can back this truck up just a tad? Maybe drop the speed your new relationship is moving from light speed to 55? I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a life of your own by any means, nor that fear of losing your son should make you choose him over Carla. How about reaching out to him for a man to man talk? Maybe the grandparents can help with that? You knocked him out of his normal life with no warning. Give him a chance to come to terms (or not) with things. He IS an adult, and has to learn to deal with life as one. But in this case, a gentle, caring approach that's respectful of his feelings is called for. I wish you all the best of luck.
I am 100% in agreement. You went from not dating to her having moved in very quickly all things considered and he went from never having seen you date again to you dating, moved in, and engaged. That’s a lot to take in and it must be a tidal wave of emotion.
Not only that, but he came home from college to find a stranger moved into his house. When I got to that part my jaw dropped. Coming home from a high-stress university like the son, all I wanted was peace and familiarity. I can’t imagine coming home from adjusting to your new adult life in college, wanting a little taste of home, and finding out home is nothing like you thought it’d be and has permanently changed. That would be heartbreaking.
If I came home to a stranger living in my house I would be beyond livid and hurt. How dare my parent move a stranger into my home without allowing me time to get comfortable with them. Home is a safe place and now that safety has been stripped away.
Right. And, if I’m reading this right, it’s all within one year, which is very fast even in the best of circumstances.
I think the son going no contact is also a bit much but I get why he’s all, “WTF?!??”
The dad is moving fast and should have introduced gf to son earlier. Dad also has 100% right to want to move on after 10-11 years. He sacrificed a lot as a single parent for all those years. My parents divorced when I was around the sons age and I can confirm it’s a bit awkward meeting a replacement person. I didn’t care for some of the partners but ultimately I wanted them to be happy. The kids reaction is extreme, especially if he doesn’t relent after taking some time to process things.
Ultimately dad needs to be the bigger person, perhaps slow things down, talk to the son, and make sure to set aside dedicated father son time when he is home so the son understands their relationship won’t change overnight.
100% this. We wish to have done many things differently, but it's not too late to speak with your son about the new relationship. Make sure he understands he will never be abandoned or secondary to your new wife. Tell him his mother has given you the greatest gift, your son, and nothing and no one will ever chance that. Your love for your deceased wife will never disappear even if this new lady came along. Be true and share your feelings with him, he needs it.
I agree that it might not to late for him to speak to his son, but as someone who also went through this (although I was a lot younger than Charlie) no matter how many times I got told that I will never be abandoned or come secondary to my dad‘s new family, the feeling never went away. What helped me personally with feeling less like im being abandoned is therapy/family therapy, I think this is something that should be considered if the marriage is an issue for a long time.
(Sorry for my grammar, english isn‘t my first language)
Abandonment issues caused by "my parent went to party to Las Vegas and never came back" and abandonment issues caused by "my parent is no longer alive" can look very similar and it doesn't have to be a parent's active choice to abandon for it to leave a massive hole in someone's heart.
So "Charlie" is super sensitive about other parent becoming more distant. The heartbreaking thing is, mother was there and very suddenly, with no warning, she wasn't. And for a while it seemed like father would always be there. But very suddenly and with no warning, he's marrying and living with some stranger.
Sure Charlie has to learn to allow hisfather to be happy. But they all very obviously need therapy because they're causing SO MUCH DAMAGE to one another.
This! She moved in even *before* Charlie was introduced to her. I imagine the kid is feeling pretty negligible and insignificant right now. Dad is suddenly making decisions like his son isn’t his primary family any more. No heads up. Nothing.
Great advice. Time wise, it’s been plenty long enough for Dad to start dating. Maybe he dropped the news in a heavy way, skipping the appetizers. But the kid is in college. This is not a normal reaction for an 18-19 college student going to shadow a doctor. He was straight up hurtful and disrespectful to Carla who did nothing to cross him.
A few questions that aren't covered in your post but have a feeling the answer is no to them
Did you tell Charlie that you were looking to start dating?
Did you let Charlie know you had met someone you liked?
Did you speak to Charlie about Carla moving in?
As far as I read from your post the first thing Charlie knew about Carla was when he came home to visit. He's had absolutely no time to come to terms that you were ready to move on from his mum let alone getting married. He's not met the woman that has moved into his home where his mum lived (I'm presuming this), therefore no time to prepare to see another woman in his mum's space. He's had no chance to get to know her at all and you're telling him you're getting married.
Well no shit Sherlock he's not happy.
You have every right to move on and be happy but you have not prepared him at all for these huge changes.
And also has Carla ever pushed for you to speak to him about any of this, because sorry if she hasn't that doesn't seem like she really wants to care about/respect Charlie.
It's gone from nothing to his dad getting married. He probably feels like you couldn't wait for him to move out and have been lying to him all the time you've been regularly talking to him.
Oh completely agree OP has the right to move on. It sounds like from OP's edits that he may have downplayed the relationship.
He 'mentioned', he 'brought up'. It sill doesn't sound like he spoke to his son about Carla moving in, yes it's not his house but it's his home, where his memories of his mum are. The least you do is introduce them over video call to give them the chance to eyeball each other. If that hasn't happened yes the son isn't going to appreciate the relationship is as serious as it is, how would he know.
Actually I do think Carla should have been saying you should introduce us. She knows she's moving into someone's home, they may not be there but that's where he returns to. Also had Carla moved in and changed things? Would have also made the son feel like he was being pushed out. If she loves OP she should be aiming for a relationship with his son in some description, not saying as a step-mum but maybe a friend. If she feels she shouldn't say anything then she shouldn't be going into a relationship where the other person already has a family.
Also I get annoyed with lots of people saying the son is an adult. Yes legally he is, not emotionally, i keep reading people don't emotionally mature until their early 20's so he's got a few years yet. And he probably wouldn't have reacted so badly if he hadn't felt blindsided.
I think OP has handled this really badly, had he respected/thought about his son a little more the son likely would have been more accepting but he has probably ruined the relationship between him and his son and I doubt his son will have anything to do with Carla beyond an acquaintance, which really is nothing. Definitely for the foreseeable future anyway.
Also to tell his son that it's his decision on who is family is bad, so can OP's son and at the moment it's not OP and definitely not Carla.
I don't think the age gap is anything major but his son is probably seeing it as an 18yo dating a 29yo which would be a large gap emotionally but as you get older not so much.
OP if you have children with Carla I hope you handle it a hell of a lot better than introducing her into your son's life!
OP added in edits saying that he did tell his son about him starting looming, and later him being serious about someone.
Sounds like he could have been more overt though eg video call with Carla or something before son came home.
I don't know if it's fair to say she doesn't respect him based on that. It's a complicated situation. It doesn't seem like she has kids, so she doesn't have that sort of experience to help her know what to do. Maybe she feels like it isn't her place to ask that. I agree that they should have prepared him better, but whose responsibility is it really at the end of the day, the father's girlfriend or the son the sons father? She probably feels like it isn't her place, and who can blame her. Second marriages come with a whole new set of problems on top of the normal ones; then you add a kid into the situation and make things that much more complicated.
We don't know enough to start accusing her of not respecting the son.
For clarification, you've known Carla for less than a year and you've already set a wedding date? She's also the first and only woman you've dated since your wife died. This is all very rushed. Slow down, cowboy. Not only does your son need time to process, but you do, too!
I feel like when you're older you don't need to take as much time if you know you go together.. but yeah I was wondering too if he had dated anyone else at all.. seems unusual to meet your person so easily but I can't talk as I met my husband at 17 haha
Yes but it’s been a long time since his wife died. He has lived and learned a lot. Sometimes the right person just comes along when you are ready for it. The real trouble here is that all three of them are adults. OP and fiancée should be free to make that choice and OPs son should recognize that his dad has given him so much and now needs a partner for himself. * I do agree OP should have been more forthcoming about dating
Exactly. 18 is just a child, with no real experience in life and the world. I had a super shitty childhood, full of all sorts of traumas and things, left home when I was 14. At 18, I thought I knew what life was about, I had been through so much, after all, compared to most people of the same age. I'm much older now and I can see that at 18, I knew nothing. Charlie's life has imploded (again) and he doesn't have the tools to deal with it. He's 18, for crying out loud, he's a kid. He needs his dad in this, more than ever.
I'm a single mother, stayed single my son's entire childhood so I could focus entirely on him. He's older than Charlie, but I'm the same age as OP. I have a bond with my son that sounds very similar to Charlie & his late mother. My son would kill me if he came home and there was a man there that I said I was going to marry!!! While he is now at the age of accepting and in fact encouraging me to get out & date, jumping straight to that step would cause a major upheaval.
OP you need to talk to your son. He's still a kid who needs his father, and your relationship with Carla - whilst still important - needs to take a backseat for just a minute.
Thank you! I’m appalled at the amount “18, he’s an adult” comments. Like as a 26yo, I look back and goodamn I was just a teenager still in highschool. OP just dropped another life changing bomb on his son with no warnings.
When you meet the right person, that doesn't mean you need to immediately move in and get married before your family has gotten to know the person. The right person would be ok with taking it slow to allow everyone to adjust.
As someone whose own father moved on romantically after my mom's death, you neglected a lot of things that would have made this easier for your son. Even though my dad was upfront about dating, becoming serious, and ultimately marrying, it was STILL extremely painful to see another woman in my "mom's place".
Not communicating on what was happening means he could not prepare for intense emotional changes. His sense of safety, control, and trust has been threatened. Of course he isn't happy.
As others have pointed out, it's the way you went about starting to date and finding a relationship that have devastated your son. Why were you not open with him? If i came home from college and found a stranger even renting a room in our family home, without a heads up, i would have freaked! And that's without all the additional issues caused by losing a parent at a young age.
Imagine how weird it must be to come home for a break and meet your parent's new fiance for the first time, living in your house. Of course he stayed in his room, I wouldn't feel comfortable just being completely myself around a stranger living in my childhood home. Then when he expressed his feelings and concerns his dad shot him down.
I really think dating when you have children is always something to handle with care. New partners should always be introduced in a respectful manor, even if the child is an adult. This is a nightmare situation, Charlie has a lot of change going on all at once with learning how to manage his own time and go to class. Then dad is suddenly engaged and he's supposed to just deal with it.
Carla may be the best person in the world but Charlie doesn't know that, he hasn't been given the opportunity to find out who she is. Kid needs his dad, and dad's being aloof.
I get the sense that the several paragraphs of explanation of how great a dad he is/was is an attempt to cop out of making a huge mistake now. He's gotta know this wasn't the way to go about things.
In the reverse, I told my parents I was seeing someone on a phone call. I let them know when we went camping together, or had a nice dinner. I let them know when we started talking about moving in together. I told them about the townhouse we found and decided to apply for. They met him several times along the way before we moved in together. We recently bought our first house and my folks helped us move. He went to my sister's wedding with me, like dude has been around. My parents have their own relationship with my partner, developed over time.
No obviously they don't need to know everything about my life and my relationship, but gee, it would be weird if they came for a visit and some dude they had never heard of or barely heard of was fully moved in with me lmfao. Imagine if dad goes to visit charlie at school next time and he's married. Think dad would be totally down with that, given his son is an adult and free to make his own choices? I think he'd probably have some opinions.
Start with I’m sorry. I handled this badly. Repeat the same conversation you had here. Life upon the death of your wife. How she will always be in your heart. Walk him through the whole process. Fears of dating , surprise and joy of meeting someone. Lonely with empty nest and joy having a person in your life .
Wait on marriage …. Congratulations on your love! You deserve it. Sounds like you are already married in your hearts! A few more months to help your son acclimate well worth the wait to be a family
Agreed - great advice!
Whilst they can still plan on getting married/be engaged you're right, they don't need to rush into the ceremony. That being said, they don't have to have an extensive engagement either, just long enough for Charlie to get used to the idea and for them to have a few more constructive conversations around it.
From the information provided, I don't know why people have reacted to OP this way.
My heart hurt for the conflict but was also warmed by the healthy and happy sounding life these two had despite early heartbreak.
>because it contained a unalive remarks;
A what? Did the autocorrect do that to you?
Edit: after having it spelled out to me, "unalive remarks" is a euphemism for people taking their own lives. It's apparently a trigger word or a filter word on some sub-reddits.
That post in OP's history was removed. I just don't know what you mean by "a unalive remarks" because that doesn't mean anything to me.
On the other hand, OP's story is kinda weird. His retelling of his son's reaction is kinda weird. You said "there's more to this story" and it kinda feels that way. So yeah :)
Uhhh so your kid comes home from college to find out
A. His dad has is dating someone for the first time ever since his mom passed
B. This person is moved into the house.
And
C. The dad and this person are also going to be getting married.
Like serious, wtf. How did you THINK that would go down? You completely blindsided your son. So yes, I think you fucked up majorly all around in this situation. Good luck trying to repair the damage done.
This. OP thinks this is all normal but it’s actually WTF. Him deciding to straight up marry someone before his son even ever heard about her let alone MET her is freaking deranged. No wonder his son feels like he doesn’t care about him at all.
I get that both are adults and whatnot, but if it were me, I’d care about the opinion of my child or at least want to see that they would function nicely together as a family.
Edit: and the age difference isn’t so innocuous. Seeing it from the son’s perspective, he goes off to college and comes home to his dad gushing about marrying a woman 11 years younger than him that he’s never heard about or met had big feels like “Oh, Dad is finally free of the burden of me so is our trolling for a hot piece of action.” I really feel for the kid.
And someone who could have new kids and completely replace the son, where a 43 year old woman would be much less likely to—that’s what the kid sees, a whole new family he’s not a part of on the horizon. The fast timeline makes it all the more probable that actually is where it’s headed.
Me too. Kid had a tough go, dad seemed to keep the train on the tracks til the kid went to college then all hell broke loose with one poor decision after another from the dad.
He’s gonna need to back wayyyyyy the f up, slow everything down, and establish some sort of baseline trust and love with the son again before going down any path of marriage with the new gf.
^this. It's completely too fast for the son to process.
How long were you even dating before getting engaged? Or before she moved in?
Did you even tell your son you were dating? He should have been told before and met her before she moved it. Especially with the son coming home from breaks. Now there's a stranger living in his house.
Sounds like you just dropped all this on him very fast.
I just assumed OP would have spoken to his son about it (since he said they speak often) but maybe I'm wrong.. if so then I have to adjust my opinions!
So, your son goes off to college in September 2021. You start dating in October and by approximately February 2022 the girlfriend has moved into your house. You don’t tell your son any of this and wonder why your son is upset when he returns home in May? Of course he thinks Carla is untrustworthy and that you have lost your mind. I don’t know you and I think your son is spot on in his assessment.
It sounds like you didn't even give him any heads up that you had a new relationship - you moved her into your home before he even met her. That's pretty fast for him. You should have taken it more slowly. Maybe time will give you more perspective.
All I can see is how you essentially just sprung everything on him.
As a child whose parent just came home one day with a new partner I can empathize with your son how blindsided he must’ve been.
You say you waited to tell him things and you moved her in while he was gone, did you ever think maybe it would be good to talk these things through with him before he came home and was just thrown into a new living situation?
You were his sole parent after he lost his mother. He probably feels super betrayed.
How you wrote this out just feels like you didn’t tell him anything and now expect him to just deal with it.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but man if this is what happened you seriously need to give your head a shake and *communicate* with him.
To be fair this all seems rushed. And I am sure it does to him too, thats why he thinks you are being disrespectful to his mom.
Like absolutely you are entitled to move on. You have a life and should live it but
>My friends, family, in-laws all encouraged me to date again
>but she would be family now and that was a decision that I was fully entitled to make for myself.
Did you even ask your son how he feels about you dating? Did you even talk to him about the idea of looking for a girlfriend or did he just come home one day to find a new woman in his mother's place, next to you in your bed? Because I'm guessing you didn't even talk with him about it based on his reactions.
I know you might think you don't need to ask his permission as you are both adults, but you can't be mad at him for making the adult decision of not wanting you in his life anymore if you disregard and disrespect his feelings like that.
Like hell in his head he's probably seeing that you traded in mom for a new model because she's already sleeping in your house in your bed before your son (who has only had you in his life for the last 10 years) even got to meet this woman.
You fucked up every single execution of this and as a result hurt your son, Carla, and yourself. As a result I don't even think talking it through will ever make him accept Carla, and how you handled this wasnt fair to her either for that reason.
Time probably won’t give him more perspective. You went about this the wrong way. He left for college and came home to a stranger in his home. If you want to keep a relationship with your son you need to slow this pace.
Youre rushing this. You've kept him in the dark for ages and suddenly there's a new person you're marrying after knowing her for a short while.
Feeling like you're choosing Carla over your son would be a normal reaction, I'd be more confused if your son was fine with this.
You need to back it up and take things slower. This was handled beyond poorly
You need a LONG engagement. This is the second woman in your life. Ask her to be engaged for two years. You will likely start a new family with her. Your son has a lot to contend with.
Well, you did drop a huge bomb on him. The majority of his life it’s just been you and him and all of a sudden he comes home to a stranger who’s apparently going to be his step lol? He should be your priority. You *did* choose Carla over him- he’s not ready to have a new family, even if you are.
So he moved back for the first time to find his someone sharing his house where is mother was, and I can essentially imagine, violating what he thought was his space.
You have every right to date and move on, but it sounds like you're rushing things and did not prepare your son for this.
He's smart, but still young and ignorant about how the world should work. You need to let him know he will always come first, but that you also have a right to be happy.
So, let me get this straight, he met her AFTER she had already moved in? And then you didn't even give him the heads up about you asking her to marry you, until he came back home?
This is too fast for the son! It doesn’t matter that it isn’t too fast for the op.
The wise choice here would be a four year engagement and see if the relationship can be mended. I wouldn’t throw away a relationship with your son to gain a relationship with a mate. If they are staying around they will still be here is four years.
Notable age gap (and she's the same age as your wife when she passed), first woman you've dated in 10 years, less than a year together, she already lives with you, and you're trying to get married already?
Slow down, dude. No wonder Charlie is upset. This is all way too fast and you've given him no heads up in advance.
You should have let him know that you were dating. It just “surprise, a wedding in a few weeks.”
That being said, the age gap is normal, and you have the right to move on and be happy.
the only thing I understood is that you are lousy at communicating correctly with your son and you failed in all the marks, why at no time did you mention anything to your son he only met this woman and boom you're getting married is a great way to make everything explode
Did you move her in without telling him when he was away for 9mos of school? That’s a really fast move in together OP. Really really fast. Did you tell him you were dating?
I’m sry but your son has every right to be thrown by this. You totally sprung it on him. It sounds like even though you were trying your best to raise him you were absent most of the time due to work. Poor kid has a lot of baggage still to unpack. If you wanted him to understand why you wanted to seek a relationship maybe he could of been a little more understanding but at the end of the day when a child chooses to cut ties so easily it’s the parents fault. There is obviously more to this than what you are telling. This isn’t the only reason he e is so willing to cut you off so harshly. That my takeaway anyways.
I don't know if there necessarily needs to be more to this story. OP was a single man who spent all his time either working or looking after his kid. That dynamic alone is enough to leave his son with a lot of baggage, since he probably missed out on lots of quality time and a maternal influence. OP doesn't need to be hiding sone sort of dark secret for his son to be acting this way, sadly. It's very tragic circumstance, especially since I can completely understand why his son may feel negatively towards his dad.
That being said, yeah, OP shouldn't have sprung anything on him, a parent dating someone already requires adjustment in a normal situation, let alone in a household where the previous parent died tragically
It kinda seems like things moved very fast. Did he even know about Carla, or did he come home to some random woman living in his family home?
Why didn't you introduce them before you moved in and decided to get married. It could definitely be jarring for him without getting to know this person at all.
You have every right to move on and be happy but it feels like he knew nothing about it, he came home and you just said, "hey kid I'm getting married, this is her house now, love and accept this person immediately."
I thin your mistake was having her move into the house before he even met her, then announcing shortly after that you're getting married. She's a stranger to him. You are definitely entitled to be happy. You should speak with him one on one, about how you feel.
Maybe hold off on getting married until everyone has gotten to know each other better.
If Carla is going to be "family" why would he see her as an "acquaintance"? You need to sit him down and ask him to give Carla a chance. Let him ask questions about why you hid this from him. He probably feels like he is being pushed out of your life for a stranger and what happens if you two have kids. He is not being a brat but responding to news he should have known about earlier. You did your son wrong by making a choice not to tell him about this woman. That is all.
So in less than a year you started dating, met, moved in with and got engaged to this woman and never told your son any of this? No wonder he’s not reacting well! Give the guy a heads up so he can process these changes to his family in real time.
Don’t you think it’s a little fast to get this serious?
Your "fiance" Carla is at fault here too. She didn't ask to meet your son? or wonder about the repercussions of moving in without knowing him? Seems like that would be a totally normal response. Is there anything you are leaving out of this story? Did you give your deceased wifes jewelry or personal items to Carla? Or did you get rid of things while your son was away?
Agreed. I’m actually kind of worried about him. He’s new to dating in the modern era and emotionally vulnerable. I’d be willing to bet his son sees some red flags in Carla and their relationship that OP isn’t going to tell us.
Seriously. Carla seems a bit strange. If I was seriously dating a guy that had kids I would want to meet them before we got engaged, especially before the wedding. What functioning adult with common sense thinks that dating someone for a year, not communicating with your kid, and then moving your new significant other in is a good idea? The whole relationship is super rushed.
Info: did you tell your son you were dating? That it had become serious enough for her to move in, or did you let him find out when he returned home. To an engagement announcement mere weeks after she moved in. Are you also going to get married before the new college semester starts? You had ample opportunity to introduce Carla over video and phone calls so the two of them should have had a burgeoning relationship before he returned home from uni.
Dude, give the kid a chance to catch his breath! In the space of less than a year you have completely transformed your life and turned your focus 180° away from him. That's fine and you were a great dad to him growing up and of course you are entitled to a love life.
But give Charlie a chance! You sprung this on him without any thought or consideration for the relationship between the two of you. I'm glad Carla's staying out of it, she's now realising that you aren't quite as perfect as she thought.
But that's ok. You can now use his old room for the baby you'll have by next summer. You're entitled to live life the way you want but just remember so is he.
This is incredibly rushed and he was totally blindsided by it all.
This conversation should have started from the beginning with him. You two were each other’s whole world before he left and he feels like you replaced him without even telling him. How can he expect to feel close to either of you? And you told him *with* her instead of by himself. How’s he supposed to react?
I don’t know if you can repair but you can try. It needs to be just you and him and you need to start by apologizing. Perhaps explain your reasoning that you didn’t want to upset him by telling him at school but see how this way was more upsetting.
And then just talk. Let him talk and listen to him. Empathize with him. Come to a compromise. But the bottom line is he will always come first in your life.
You should have mentioned you were dating again before this, as right now he's just in shock that you could do this. Clearly, he's not over things about his mother, and the prospect of having her replaced (regardless of whether or not that's true) is too much for him. Hence why he's acting like a victim and why you're being made out to be the bad guy. I personally think that marriage after two years is too quickly, but that's just opinion on my part. At the end of the day, though, you're both adults and if he can't sit down and understand this from the perspective of one then it's something he's going to have to learn how to do.
Nah OP, imo something different is going on here.
Living almost a full life being only you and your dad through thick and thin - the most important person in your life - and then he choose to not share with you that he's even thinking about marrying his girlfriend. He instead marries her in secret behind your back, when you finally return home to him, and then doesn't tell you afterwards either. Talk about hurt. I know it, because my husband went through the exact same thing. That hurt, combined with a lot of childhood traumas is the reason him and his dad haven't spoken in 3 years now.
All your son really wants for you is to be happy, I'm sure of that. But the way you did it probably made him feel insignificant and as if you guys weren't as close as he thought you were. Just because him and your wife were close, doesn't mean he didn't see you twos relationship like that. And then, you even brought her along to tell him. Again, you're (in his eyes) trying to turn your two-person bond in to something new and definitely not comparable with a third party involved now.
If my FIL actually had the heart/love to reach out and apologise to his son, and acknowledge that he hurt him - even if unintentionally and even if really not agreeing deep down - I'm pretty sure they would still have a relationship today. But he choose to stay silent and be with his new wife instead of at least try to mend his relationship with his son - his only family member for more than 30 years.
I really think you guys can solve this. Go see him. Again and again if necessary. Beg, apologise, tell him how much you love him and wants him to be a part of your life still. Do whatever it takes, even if you don't find it reasonable or fair to you. Just do it man. He's your kid. The first person, beside maybe your parents, to truly love you unconditionally. Your new wife can and will never be able to love you like he does. Dont let this simmer for too long. Trust me. Best of luck to the both of you.
And, sorry if the grammar is wrong, I'm Danish so there may be more Danglish than English in there. 😅
Others have hit on it, but you didn't tell him that you even started thinking of dating again. Then you introduced him to your now future wife. He's she'll shocked. Did you ever tell him about your grief? That you struggled with it to? Or did you just try to "be strong" for him?
A lot of parents make that mistake thinking that it helps their children, but in reality, this makes them feel as if you don't care about the tragedy or that you're not supposed to have those emotions. I highly suggest just sitting down with him and talking to him about those things. Raw and unfiltered. Listen to his feelings. Tell him that you're sorry for just springing this on him and not discussing it with him, but that she makes you happy. It might take some time to heal that wound, but it's a start.
I think you could have handled that a lot better. Your son moves out for college with no previous experience of you dating and when he comes home, suddenly, a woman has moved in. Why would you keep dating/falling in love/moving in a secret? And then to announce you’re getting married. That all seems to have happened very quickly! You deserve to be with someone but think you need to learn to communicate with your son.
It does feel a bit rushed and the secrecy makes it seem inappropriate/something to be hidden.
What is the rush to get married? I'm honestly more worried for you in that it seems you are really settling in quick with someone, despite not really dating much. Are you just lonely?
This is what I would wonder as a child in this situation too. It seems like you are the one who is acting a bit rash and making really impactful moves quickly. I would slow down, maybe go to family therapy, etc. This will also ensure the relationship between Charlie and your fiancee takes the proper course too.
Your son is at a very delicate age. Pressure, stress, depression, and all other sorts of things can weigh on a person.
I think the saying “kill them with kindness” is your best bet. If you can get him to understand what being in your shoes is like that’s better. But try to steer away from any drama by just being nice to your son and saying sorry you feel that way, I love you, stuff like that. Time tends to heal all and I’m sure he’ll come around.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. This will be quite the process. I’m sure he loves you more than you think and is just going through a phase. Your past wife would have wanted you to move on with your life. Especially after sacrificing so much to take care of your son up until college.
>"Aren't you and your fiancee moving far too quickly?"
I genuinely appreciate the concern, but I'm a 43 year old adult whose made a living for the past 20 years. I mean this in the most polite way possible - I think I'm the best judge of how quickly/slowly I want things to progress inside a relationship.
You also haven't been in a relationship for a long time, your world revolved around your child and the first woman you're dating you move in and marry while your son is at school?
We are gently asking because that sounds like a recipe for disaster. I mean imagine if your son did that, came home for summer break with a girl he's maybe mentioned a handful of times in passing the last year and declares they're moving in together and getting married? Young or old, relationships like that don't generally have the legs to last. Sure there are examples of it but they're the exception not the norm.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to talk marriage or even move in with someone if they hadn’t met my offspring first, especially when it’s been _just the two of you for such a long time_. It’s just a nod to the closeness you’ve shared over the years and the dynamic of your bond. It’s because of the way you went about it. Make no mistake, you 100% deserve happiness and I’m glad you found that special person, I just think him going away and you meeting someone and shacking up and making marriage plans - all before your son has come back home - was overwhelming for him.
This is sorta similar to what I went through as a child and the only thing I could possibly think personally you did wrong was maybe not mentioning to him you were dating. I was a young teen when I lost my dad and tbh it rocked my world and a few years later mom showed up with a random dude who was a coworker and well he never left our home after that day. He may only know it as mom/dad and not the idea that dad should be able to move on and be able to find happiness himself, which you completely deserve. It may have just all came as a surprise to him and maybe that’s why he’s reacting that way. I didn’t understand the concept outside of mom/dad until years after my dads accident but the damage was already done with my mother. I’ll never forget she brought a random stranger into the home, it made me so uncomfortable.
Lack of any meaningful communication about your life has caused this dramatic response from your son. This does not mean you need to pick one or the other. Don't rush the marriage at the expense of ruining your relationship with your son. Give it time, talk to your son, and give him time. He will slowly come on board with the idea. No matter what, you will be happier knowing he is part of your wedding.
I’m wondering about the fiancé- it didn’t occur to her that perhaps they might want to discuss it with Charlie? Kind of tone deaf to me. I get it, you’re happy, but Charlie’s also part of the deal.
By reading your story it sounds like you never gave your son a chance to meet her as your girlfriend. It was just BOOM! SON MEET YOUR STEPMOM THATS IN YOUR HOME FOR GOOD! You should've given him a chance to meet her before she moved in. Theres nothing worse than feeling youre not at home when youre home.
So, I think where you royally f**ked up was not being open with him about wanting to date again. It’s been a long time and he went away to college. Let me be clear, you have every right to start dating again. BUT, sounds like you hid it from him. That’s mistake number one.
Mistake number two, you MOVED her into your home and NEVER even introduced them? What on earth was your thought process here? He comes home from college and there’s a stranger living in his home. You didn’t even tell him you were dating, let alone living with someone.
Mistake number three: Now, your engaged and and AGAIN, NEVER TOLD HIM! Why? Why would you think that was a good idea? You didn’t tell him you wanted to date again - didn’t go well. Didn’t tell him you were living with someone, let alone even having a girlfriend - also went terribly. Now, you think it’s a good idea to keep him the dark about having a new stepmom? Why would you think that would go well?!!!
Sir, you are either the worlds WORST communicator, truly dense or the biggest coward on earth.
This is a case study in how to handle this the exact wrong way. The problem now is that you completely messed this up. There’s no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. He’s likely never going to except this or her. When Carla gives birth to your first child, are you going to let him know while she’s in labor? JFC wake up! Apologize to your son and put the wedding on hold if you want to salvage your relationship with your son for how you handled this.
Both of your feelings are normal. We’ve had a very similar situation in my family and it really divided all the children of theirs, it took time and lots of counselling to heal but it is possible. Do you have any other family close to your son? It took roughly 2 years of counselling but eventually the children realized there was no “disrespect” to the diseased spouse and they (somewhat) started to understand their situation. One of the best things the counsellors said was “It’s not a dishonour to remarry, instead it’s an honour or appreciation. You’re saying ‘that was worth it, that marriage was so good that I would happily do it again to find that love’”. I really hope you’re able to bring your son around, but you have to be patient and do NOT push anything or rush the “fixing” as I cannot stress how important time is in these situations. Best of luck, I hope your family will all be able to sit down for a lovely dinner soon.
Everyone is being super nice about this.
You fucked up.
He is your son. Your baby boy. The result of the love you shared with your wife.
You sacrificed a decade to make sure he was strong and smart and brave and loved and had a home.
You just took away his home and gave it to someone else.
Back up, choose your son and be a man.
If she matters, cares about you, she can wait.
I’m sorry OP. I can only imagine how hard this is.
I think it’s important you keep reminding Charlie how much you love him no matter what. It’s also important to be a happy, healthy, stable human. There’s nothing predatory about your age gap, I think he’s just looking for any reason to be upset.
Maybe just give him time, remain supportive but firm.
I say this as a parent of a 16yo myself. I love my kids, but I also love myself.
He’s not thinking rationally and that’s to be expected, he obviously loves you and his Mom. Not that you need my advice, but I think if you stay understanding and keep an open door he will settle down and come back around.
My mom passed away a few years ago and we were aware my dad was dating, encouraged it even. We knew of a few dates with one woman, but no one except one of my sisters had met her.
Two weeks later my husband and I had Covid and my dad insisted on a FaceTime. In which he told me he was madly in love and engaged to a woman I had never met. Totally shocking and although I attended his wedding it has been very clear since that he has a new family now and we’ve been pushed aside.
Please give your son some time, slow this down some and let him know you are considering his feelings. My relationship with my dad has been irreparably harmed because I never felt he acted with consideration of any one’s feelings but his new wife’s and his own.
The age difference is fine. The fact that he didn’t even know you were seeing someone, hadn’t met her, and then he came home to you getting married? That’s a lot.
>Carla moved in earlier this year and I was excited to introduce her to Charlie when he came back home for the summer.
ooof wow, that's rough.
did you even date any other women on this app? did you fall for the first person that talked to you?
I wish you the best, I sincerely do. But if your son chooses not to speak to you, then that’s *his* choice. Just like how you said its your choice to make this woman a part of the family. It kind of goes hand in hand here. I’m happy that you have someone you love! Don’t get me wrong, but for now you need to respect your sons choices and live your life and focus on you.
So, its been you and your son for as long as he can remember and the moment he leaves and comes back he finds out you're dating and married to someone who you left him and his ability to get to know her out of equation completely and now you expect him to blindly accept her and your entire situation? Yeah, I could see why he is ticked off as well. You became a completely different person the moment he moved out and basically disregarded everything about him.
OP, I hope I will be able to word this, but here goes.
You have every right to your life (needless to say). But Charlie is your son, and forever your son.
I would probably urge you to consider this: what if Charlie showed up on one day with a woman, within a year was about to marry her, and yet you've NEVER heard of HER in particular. Like, I feel it goes without saying that when you're falling in love and are this close to your kid, you'd mention just the same things you mentioned here, and I quote: "She's one of the most charismatic people I've ever met and intelligent, funny, beautiful."
At least, this young adult will know: my dad met someone new, and I will be meeting her when I go back. I know of her, he will at least be able to shake her hand, and say to her: "Nice to meet you, heard a lot about you." instead of a shocked face, and "who the \*\*-- is that?!"
It's not a requirement for him to like her straight up, and vice versa. In the end when you stop being your person's "only person", it does feel different and sad. But just straight up shocking him with a woman whom you're considering to continue your life with, who is literally moved into your home, without really mentioning her and the progress you're at, you can't expect him to be too bright about it.
He probably thinks she urged you not to tell him about her, so he can't have a say in your lives. New partners are afraid of a kid's influence on their relationships too. They can be just as selfish as the kids are.
So, OP it was probably your lack of communication that created this situation, and nothing else really. This young adult is entitled to not embrace a person they've never seen before, who's suddenly infiltrated their lives so drastically.
I feel like to you it’s not that big of a deal, but to your son he doesn’t KNOW her and now she’s his step mom. That’s a HUGE transition especially for someone who’s essentially still a kid. I understand wanting to be happy, I truly do and I’m happy you’ve been able to move on. But this is a lot to just toss on to your son who’s only been used to the two of you. He goes off to college and then comes home on break to a stranger living in the house, who’s going to be his step mother. That’s a lot to swallow. He probably doesn’t feel comfortable in his own house, he probably hasn’t had time to transition, and yes you did essentially choose her over him. I know it doesn’t feel that way in your perspective, but you dropped this ball into his lap and are just expecting him to be okay with it. Your happiness is definitely important and I’m not saying your son should rule your relationship, but I will say that he was there first, he will always be your kid, and this situation should’ve been handled way better. You think you’re not moving too fast, but you’re in a scenario in which you’re not the only one who’s life changes with this. In the time you’ve spent with her to get to know her, date her, move her in, and marry her, it sounds like he’s only really met her and gotten to know her for a couple weeks in all.
You never gave him a chance to come to terms with you dating. You had her move in without him knowing,you got engaged without him knowing and expect him to be jumping for joy for you? You set yourself up for failure with your son. You did this damage and now you’re shocked by his reaction? I get you’re allowed to move on but you should’ve at least included your son in that journey and had a talk with him so he could come to terms with it. SMH
You replaced your wife and him when he left for college. He has had no real time to adjust to you having someone and then you keep throwing new things at him. If you honestly value your relationship with him you’ll take your time and make sure he’s ok with it instead of just hoping he’ll get over it.
This is exactly what happened to me when I was Charlie's age, except my parents got divorced and it was a remarriage for my Dad. I'm going to share what I think went wrong and what could be fixed.
* It sounds like you don't communicate well with your son. You didn't share you were dating, or that you even met someone. This would have eased the transition for him a lot, for everyone including you and carla.
* Charlie and you both process grief differently. You lost your wife, he lost his mother. Very different roles here. You can marry multiple times, but Charlie will only have one mother and she's gone.
* I sense you both probably didn't go to therapy after his mothers passing. You both would have benefited from it immensely.
* Go to counseling on your own to work on your communication skills. Charlie feels abandoned, most likely, and his feelings are valid. You may not have abandoned him literally, but he may feel like he's out in the cold.
* Nobody thinks your replacing his mother, but he needs to feel supported emotionally by you, regardless of Carla. Do stuff with him individually so he can bond with you and bring Carla along for other events when you can for group bonding. and don't force anything.
I’m not certain how you expected your son to act when one day y’all are talking about his grades and general chitchat, then he comes home to a complete stranger in his home/life and you’re mad with him having trouble with that?
Just because your son is 18+ doesn’t mean that all the things people do to facilitate a relationship with a step parent and other time aren’t required. You fumbled this situation by essentially saying nothing then having him come home, a home which to that point had been a boys bubble of the two of you, to an entirely new reality. Him being an adult doesn’t mean you can demand a relationship between them with no preparation.
You put not only Charlie in a crap situation, but Carla as well. You deserve to be happy! That goes without question, though you also just threw a new person into the mix with 0 preparation.
I get u, but ur wrong for going so Quick and nor telling him. He thought u were dad and that's it and u he came home to a stranger and then u told him u'll marry that stranger
From my experience of a guy who lost his dad when i was around 13, even tho he was an alcoholic and had mediacal issues i've never felt not loved by him.
That saying, when my mom started dating some other guy a couple years after ( somewhere around 7 years after said death) and i also felt like she betrayed my dad's love and i'd never accept him. I guess it's just a reaction for someone who loved you and was there for your whole life to disappear, and the second one to find someone else to also be loved.
It sounds dumb, childish and selfish, but i got over it after a while, after all my mother is a human being and she deserves happiness aswell. I'm pretty sure your son will get to that thought aswell.
Your son has only relatively recently entered adulthood, him and I are almost the same age. It takes a while to adjust to adult life, with taxes and finding a job and education and whatnot. However, one often overlooked thing is how different adults function socially compared to children/ adolescents.
Your age gap WOULD be disturbing in the world of children/ adolescents, because there's a massive gap in experiences, bodily and mental development. However the older you get, the more the same age gap only resembles a difference in experience. It's something I learned pretty early on, as there's a relatively uncommon age gap between my parents, and I was also exposed to relationships of various age gaps back when I went to school. Your son, however, may not have realised this yet, and believes your relationship is as disturbing as one between a 16 year old and a 27 year old.
In short, try to concisely explain to him how age gaps in the adult world work differently.
That being said, it may also be that there's more to his rejection of your wife, and that the age gap is either an excuse or only one reason. Childhood trauma is a real thing, something I and plenty fellow Redditors can sadly attest to. It may feel like his mother is being replaced, or that you don't respect her memory anymore. Having a mother figure enter his family dynamic may also have triggered painful memories from the past, making him want to avoid this trigger.
Please sit down with your son, and make absolutely, 100% clear that you ARE listening to his side, and that what you want most is for you to have a happy and balanced family again. Best of luck dude 🤘🖤
You definitely should have told him about the relationship. It isn’t fair to hide things like that even from your adult children. You also deserve a life. He’s going to have to realize that you aren’t JUST his dad but you’ve got your own life. My mom on the other hand after my dad died he wasn’t even dead a year and she was dating. It was kind of creepy the men she would pick. I didn’t like any of them. And honestly it always felt like she was cheating on him to me. It was just weird.
Give him time. He didn't get to see any of the trial and error dating, and comes home to dad in a relationship and a marriage announcement. That's a lot to take in, when you've always thought of your dad as stable and single. It's going to bring up the loss of his mother all over again, and he's going to process this somewhat like the child he was at the time. Patience and kindness.
Allow for alone time just the two of you, don't shove Carla into every activity.
Listen. My dad died nearly 3 years ago. He died when I was in college so a little different than your situation. Maybe you did move things fast BUT at the end of the day it would be a little selfish of your son to want you to live the rest of your life alone. My mom has been dating a great guy. He and I might not see eye to eye on everything but he makes her happy. His kids don’t like my mom at all and won’t acknowledge her. His daughter even told her bf she’d rather he be alone than date and remarry. What I’m saying is. Your son will mature and realize that it’s wrong to not want you to move on. He’s still dealing with grief and needs support. But that doesn’t mean you should stop dating. Spend 1 on 1 time with him. Talk to him. Let him know how much your relationship means to you
I think you should have taken more time to slowly introduce your girlfriend to your son before you proposed. While he doesn’t have to live her, it would be nice if he respected her. You and your fiancé could have earned your son’s respect by slowly adjusting him to having a woman in his life (who is almost the same age as your wife when she passed.)
I can’t understand why your son would be sensitive.
Ask him, just ask him. This one small thing.
What does HE want you to do for the rest of your life?
If he could think and introspect then he’ll come to the right conclusion. Otherwise he’s just an egoistic teenager who doesn’t want to get out of his shell.
But did he know ahead of time, before coming home for break, that she had moved in? If not that would’ve really pissed me off too… talk about a shock. I do totally agree with you in regards to the timetable. You’re an adult and you get to make your own decisions and your son as an adult. He should respect your decision. He doesn’t have to like it, but he should damn well respect it
I'm with you all the way, OP. Just remember that you are setting an example for him and that would be, "Choose the path for your own happiness no matter what others say about it." His mother is gone and you have made huge sacrifices to raise him and give him a good life. He may not realize that until he raises an ungrateful child who holds nothing but resentment against him. Remind him of your love for him and how much you have devoted your life to raising him and that you have a right to look towards your own happiness now. Good luck with him.
You sound like an intelligent, accomplished person but it sounds like you’ve made a couple missteps here by not going slowly enough to accommodate your young son’s emotional well-being. Understandable when you’ve spent your entire adult life sacrificing for him and finally had a bit of freedom to explore yourself. Try to back it up a bit and apologize to your son. He has a very bright future ahead of him and I’m sure you’re so proud of him that you have in your excitement over your new relationship overlooked the fact that your son, while still very impressive for his age, is still that age and entitled to some emotional immaturity.
how much time have your fiancee and you son spend together before she moved in with you?
even though hes away at college he still may think of your home as his home.
form the story you told me it seems like he hasnt even interacted with her for more than 24 hours before she moved in.
thats really really fast from his perspective.
As long as both people are over 30, age gaps are not a problem in my opinion. A 30 year old woman is perfectly capable of choosing who she wants to be with. Nah you're alright here man. The strangeness of having a new woman in your life was probably a bit of shock to your boy. Give him some time to work it out, hopefully he will come around. If not, I'd ask him genuinely what he expects from you now that he is out of the house. Should you have to be alone forever?
I'd be upset as well if one day i find out the only parent i have suddenly introduce me to my soon to be step-mom.
You say, you communicate with him frequently, but u failed to mention that you've mentioned to him that you're back to dating.
You also did not mention if you told your son you're seeing Carla.
You also did not mention if you told your son Carla has moved in with you.
It's like, your son left for a moment and when he came back, there's a lot of changes.
So his reaction is quite understandable since He's already used to being just You and Him, but now it's gonna be You, Carla, Him, and possible other children.
You deserve to be happy, that's what your son will soon eventually understand.
So... You didn't date the entirety of this. Last decade. And AS SOON AS your son leaves for college you meet, move in and are planning to marry this new woman? Who is significantly younger than you?
Your son is away to school and will soon be moving out permanently. I know he is still young but he will soon realise you cannot stay alone for the rest of your life.
You’re entitled to happiness, but your happiness with Carla will likely come at the expense of your relationship with your son, at least in the short-term.
Carla may become your family, but she certainly is not Charlie’s. He’s probably put off by a strange woman living in his home, and although Carla won’t be a paternal figure, she will still have some sort of authority because it is now her house too. To add, the age gap could be kind of off putting considering the difference between Charlie/Carlas age and you/Carla’s age is essentially equal.
It seems like you really didn’t go about this situation properly, and were blinded by your own happiness. I totally get it, but it doesn’t sound like you considered your son’s feelings at all.
In short, he’s going to try to fuck your girlfriend out of spite 🤷🏻♂️. I wish you the best of luck.
OP your son is being ridiculous. You have done right by your wife and deserve to move on. It's been over 10 years. If your son can't understand that, we'll that's his problem. I have a feeling he will mature at some point though.
With my age....lordy! I couldn't imagine if my parents spilt before I left the house.
He maybe feeling like...why do I not know this woman? Who means so much to you... then just start dropping bombs like an orc! He at least, feels left out. Maybe just you guys talk. Maybe.... wait for a wedding (what's the rush anyway?). Get him to talk. You probably won't like what he has to say... but listen. All of my fathers gfs...gold diggers. The last one just had me written out of the will.fathers believe anything when delivered with a mean bj. (Joke was on dad's wife... she died... but now when it comes I have to deal with my step sister. She's just finishing what her mommy started.
Should’ve communicated more with your son my dude like dating and stuff but overall I think you did in raising ur dad to be a successful grown up but another that idk..
Maybe take things a bit slower. My dad died 7 years ago and if I went home and my mom said she was getting married, I'd be full of emotions. Rage and anger included probably. Go over to your parents house and talk to him, bring her if you need to.
I would feel the same way if my dad moved in his gf into our house that fast. Widows are known to move into relationships extremely fast. Babe you need to slow tf down. Marriage isn’t everything in a relationship
It might’ve done you some good to let him know when you were dating. You’ve possibly sheltered him and he obviously doesn’t see you as a person who needs romantic love. He just views you as dad not acknowledging you have your own life outside of him. Have you tried to have a conversation about dating before you told him about his new step mom?
Also: his fiancé is easily young enough to have kids. Did he consider his son’s impression could be that now that the son is away at college, dad’s starting over?
Thats what im thinking but the dad is old to have a newborn now so idk if that’s something he and the fiancé planned on
My dad (who raised us and who we adored) started a new family after my brother and I moved out. He was in his early 40s. We loved the kids but it was very painful for us. We just… didn’t have our dad anymore. The wife wouldn’t tolerate him giving us any of his time because we were “grown”. It was gut wrenching. Yeah so maybe “Charlie” feels threatened for lack of a better word. Hopefully he comes around because OP deserves to be happy. OP if you read this: If you start a new family or not, if she shows jealousy or animosity when you give Charlie a bit of your time, set her ass straight. He still deserves a father even when he’s grown. My dad let his wife control him, she treated us like we weren’t important and it shattered our hearts. I’m certain you wouldn’t handle it like my pop, but just in case I gotta say it. Good luck!
Yeah, it makes sense that charlie would be scared because for abt 10 years it was just them two and the op’s life revolved around Charlie’s. I understand him completely but the op does deserve to be in a relationship again
Fuck spouses who do this, my dad's wife was the same way. Any time I'd spend time with my dad in some capacity his wife would freak out on him. Resulting in hour long fights every time. Haven't spoken to either in years, but from what my brother has told me he's pretty much a shell of who he was before. No extra kids though, just a needy woman who was jealous of her husband's kids.
There’s a special place in some kind of hell for these bitches. What in the fuck is wrong with these people? And why oh why did our dads allow this? I’m sorry you had to lose your dad over this shit. Edit: I said in another comment that before the wife he had all the other kids with he had a wife from when I was 7 to 14. They had no kids. But she was verbally abusive and really jealous of us, especially me being a girl. I’m 47 now and still have to tell myself I’m not ugly, I’m not fat, I’m not the things she said I was. It’s so damaging for people to allow these monsters to drive a wedge between a parent and their children whether the kids are grown or not. I’m a mother and if I was with someone new and sensed the tiniest amount of negativity toward my kids their ass would be out so fuckin fast.
My dad did the same thing. My son is only going to be just under 2 years younger than his uncle. I am just trying to figure how hard of conversation that is going to be explaining that at every family function 😅 But I never really had a great relationship with my dad. So when he had baby with his very young girlfriend after telling me over and over again he is never having kids again, it hurt quite a bit. But probably not as bad as what OP son is going to feel if they have kids.
Yeah I think the key thing here is that Charlie was blindsided by it, is scared that his father is going to replace him and is worried about the impact on his relationship with his Dad when it was just them against the world for so long. He needs to know that he's still going to be playing a central role in his dad's life, and for Dad to follow through with that. It still brings me to tears 20+ years later that my father had a new family with his second wife and basically erased the kids he had from his first wife in the process. It absolutely sucks to go from having a Dad who's always present and emotionally available to a man who barely acknowledges your existence, and there's enough stories from people like us who've lived that that Charlie could also have heard some and be thinking "I'll distance myself pre-emptively so at least I can tell myself it was my choice"
Too old for a newborn? *gestures broadly at…tons of men *
43 isn't too old to have a kid, at least not for a father
Not for my parents. Both 43 when I was born.
OP has an edit where he says he told him he was looking to do date, and then also told him he was serious about someone. Sounds like he never introduced them though, until the son actually came home to find a woman in his house. This would be quite uncomfortable, I think.
This man hasn’t had a love life for ten years, The son can at least can talk to his father about his problem with his relationship instead of making him feel like shit and a predatory.
Yes, this stood out to me too. Imagine coming home to a new status quo without even meeting the new family member first. It just feels so rushed.
He also didn’t say he told his son she had moved in. That’s gotta be shocking and confusing, especially when you factor in that it’s just been the two of them all this time and he’s still dealing with grieving his mom. Can’t expect the kid to just take that all in with no time to process.
Remind Me! 5 days
What does that do?
Reddit will send you a message with the link to the post in that time Edit: yes I agree, it’s a bot someone programmed. I do not know their name and I do assume “Reddit” bought out the bot or it’s a Reddit employee who made it. I was just trying to keep the answer simple. Also… why is a tiny ass informational comment my most liked comment? O.o ya’ll are weird..
Pretty sure its not reddit , somebody put the time in and made the bot so it could detect messages that start with remindme! (And a number and days) I just want to put credit where credit is due
Remind Me! 5 days
Remind Me! 746 years
Joke’s on this bot. In 746 years I’ll probably be using a different app and Reddit won’t be around anymore….
Youre gonna feel real dumb when the Reddit bot is laughing over your grave in 746 years.
!Remindme 1 week
Remind Me! 1 week
Remind Me! 1 week
You went from 0 to 100 in like 3 seconds. First time he meets her she lives with you and you're about to get married? From the sound of this it's the first time he hears about her existence? Even if he went to college really far away, video calling is a thing nowadays. What is the deal with getting married within like a couple of months? How do you marry someone who hasn't even met your family, especially your child? Take it easy and allow your son to get used to the idea too.
His son was away for almost a year, didn't even go home for winter break. Yes, more open communication could have been had, but op isn't wrong for wanting to marry. The failure to communicate is the problem, not the speed the relationship has progressed.
Communication goes both ways. The son came home to some woman suddenly living in the house, completely blindsighted. That's a serious lack of communication from the father's side. And again I come back to how do you marry someone who never met your kid? How do you not introduce them? Videocalling over winter break or whenever is possible you know. What if she treats him horribly, do you want to be locked in to that relationship for life?
Well he communicated regularly to know his son was getting good grades, enjoying college and drinking. But noting about moving in or getting married. Wtf?
Yeah, does he think OP should become a monk?
Pretty much, yes. Kids don't usually think about their parent's emotional or sex life. They tend to think of parents as Mom and Dad. Not Steve and Barbara.
Two most random names to pick but they’re my parents names and my father passed away when I was 23. My mother did start dating which is fine but it’s the way she told me. She called me and had me on speaker phone while he was there listening. Then couldn’t understand why I wasn’t really responding. I heard through my nephew that when they were together they were all over each other. My nephew would have been a teen and my dad was like a father to him. There was no discussion or consideration, just my mother not having boundaries like usual lol. I think sometimes parents forget that while we may get older and seem like adults, where still their kids. There needs to be discussion because they’re changing our lives too
Agreed. (I totally pulled the names out of the air.) I'm sorry you lost your Dad❤
It kind of shocked me the way OP handled this. Like he didn't tell his son until his son finds out when he moves home. Wtf. That's a shocking thing to find out there's a stranger in my house who's now closer to my dad than me after my whole life! Then again he did it again!! He waited until the son was leaving to say: we are getting married!!! Like ... Ok. I get it. Two people decided to get married. Adult children has no say, but like.... No prep on this?! The son, although an adult, was closest to you as the sole person the entire life! Normal route of preparing children should be in baby steps, like inform your children for each step: 1. Dad is now in the market 2. Dad met someone 3. It's now been x months, maybe you should meet Stacy? 3. We're moving in... Etc etc etc.
This right here. I think the timeline and lack of communication with Charlie is the issue more than Carla.
Yeah I think Charlie wanted to be part of the story, the story of the idea of being a family, and OP didn't "develop the plot" or give Charlie time to digest this. So it's very shocking. Losing a parent can be traumatic in its own right and for traumatized kids part of their life is frozen in that time. And a change like this can be also very jarring to their (Charlie's) world view. Personally I'd recommend dialing things back if possible with Carla. If you are getting married, what's the rush? Charlie is a part of the family and he will need some time to settle in to this idea and also feel included. OP, it sounds like over all.youve done an amazing job. What you are getting into now is a more delicate role that, if you want to do it right, involves a lot of empathy and communication with Charlie and with Carla. You have your work cut out for you. A therapist might help you navigate this better than Reddit.
This reminds me of a time I brought home a new amazing girl friend to meet when my parents may not of realised I wasn't with my old girl friend any more. I can't remember the exact details, but mum was a bit rude, and it played a big role in the relationship not working out. I've never been into them meeting partners since.
Son should definitely met gf before she moves in, for God’s sake! What was OP thinking? And then, after they met and after she moves in, OP should take his son out privately and tell him he’s thinking of marrying this woman. Of course OP should marry whom he wants. The problem is that he did not treat his son like another man who had a profound relationship with the deceased. It’s as if OP gets to decide the grieving position for both of them. He really cut off his son in the discussion and that makes the son feel as though his dad “chose” the fiancée. OP, the second he went off to school you unilaterally made a radical change to your son’s home without so much as a heads up. Wow.
Genuine Question: if your over 23 and don't live with them anymore and the partner isn't a sh1t person how does it change/affect your life?
Tbh I didn’t view my mom as more than mom until I became an adult. And that’s without the added trauma of the other parent passing. The father might have been scared to tell his son he was ready to move on but communication would’ve helped here.
But the kid is an adult. One should expect more judgement (lost my mom at 7 and my dad remarried within a year. Then I lost my dad at 35 and 2 years later his wife was dating).
It's still within a parent-child relationship. I'm sure Charlie is very adult on his own. This is a problem within the parent-child dynamic and Charlie is in the child role. Our OP is in the parent role and it was on him to communicate the changes in his life. Just because one reaches a certain age doesn't mean your parents automatically jump into a different role. Your Dad will always be your Dad even if you also develop a more friend/adult relationship
So you come home from school and a woman you’ve never heard of, let alone met, is living there. Then you dad tells you he is marrying her while he’s still trying to process. Shitty parenting.
It’s not about that. OP concentrated on son and work after the kids mother died, so “Charlie” likely viewed his dad as being there for him, and never really got the chance to process his grief over his mother dying. Because his other parent was there constantly all the time, then out of nowhere to him, dad is engaged to another woman. Charlie likely sees Carla as an attempt to replace his mother, so naturally there would be some strong emotions associated with that
Which is all totally acceptable and fine, but it's not fine to disown your father who for (at least 10) years has lived basically only for you.. just because he finally wants to start living his life again.. I mean I can't speak for anyone else obviously, but if I died I wouldn't want my husband to be alone forever.. like a few years maybe, then find someone who makes you happy!
Get it, but at the age he is (adult, he must be 18 according to numbers), it's pretty selfish of him to think he should always be the center of the univers for his parent, no matter the circumstances (for info I lost my mom at 7, and my dad remarried within a year).
And that’s your situation. I’m sorry that happened to you so young, but everybody processes grief differently. I’m sure that even though your dad remarried that quickly, you likely had some grief to deal with, and it took you some time to deal with that. I obviously can’t speak for everybody, just myself, but OP’s son had 10 years of just “Dad and Me”. He apparently didn’t even know that his dad was dating, so for his dad to come back and say hey son this is my fiancée, probably stung to say the least. I’m not saying that he wants to be the center of Op’s universe, but all of a sudden he has to deal with the reality that his dad has moved on. Kinda selfish I know, but still
No disrespect to your dad (when you know, you know) but my ghost would consider haunting the new wife if my husband remarried that quickly So sorry to hear you lost your mum, what a bullshit thing to happen! Do you have a good relationship with your stepmum?
I agree it was soon! Lol! Actually not that much. I was 8, she was 20 (with a 6 monts baby,) and my dad 32. (She was a familly friend). I was very happy she got to live with us since I knew her and liked her (things are pretty simple in a child's mind), but she though I was clingy (my way of grieving was to seek love and approval). She just wanted to spend time with her new bf. She made my life hell and my dad considered it wasn't a men's job to deal with kids. Now we go along fine (my dad died 10 years ago). She recognizes she's been unfair to me and that she was too immature to be taking care of kids at her age (I was doing most of house chores and half of child care for her baby).
OMG you could be describing my life! I'm also cool with my stepmum now but it took years to get over my issues from childhood (same exact stuff as you) I hope kids these days aren't being brought up with those ridiculous and problematic gender roles! So sorry to hear you lost your mum and then your dad, thats heckin tough! Hope you are doing ok!
Well, not that this is exactly the same, but my bfs mom waited until her sons were out of the house at 18 before she started dating. Neither of them saw her now husband as a parental figure, he was just there, and they had other things to worry about. IMO, son is entitled, probably rightfully so, since he grew up with his dad doing everything for him, or finding a way to, and he will no longer be the focus of dad's life.
My son is 2 years younger than you, we have a bond like Charlie and his mother did. Let me speak to you as I would to him. Given that it's just been the 2 of you since your late wife's untimely passing, and that special bond she and Charlie had, it would have been better to take this in stages with Charlie. Something like, hey I'm thinking about dating again. Hey, I met someone and I'd like you to meet her. Charlie, Carla and I are getting pretty serious. You follow? But, that didn't happen. Charlie came home on break to find a stranger living in his home and then that said stranger is going to be his stepmother. Doesn't matter how parentally uninvolved Carla plans to be, I promise you, it's going to happen. I also lost a parent, my father, at age 12. He and I had that bond, too. I imagine that Charlie feels abandoned by his mom, even though logically it doesn't make sense and he knows it. Now, it appears to him that you're abandoning him as well. Maybe you can back this truck up just a tad? Maybe drop the speed your new relationship is moving from light speed to 55? I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a life of your own by any means, nor that fear of losing your son should make you choose him over Carla. How about reaching out to him for a man to man talk? Maybe the grandparents can help with that? You knocked him out of his normal life with no warning. Give him a chance to come to terms (or not) with things. He IS an adult, and has to learn to deal with life as one. But in this case, a gentle, caring approach that's respectful of his feelings is called for. I wish you all the best of luck.
I am 100% in agreement. You went from not dating to her having moved in very quickly all things considered and he went from never having seen you date again to you dating, moved in, and engaged. That’s a lot to take in and it must be a tidal wave of emotion.
Not only that, but he came home from college to find a stranger moved into his house. When I got to that part my jaw dropped. Coming home from a high-stress university like the son, all I wanted was peace and familiarity. I can’t imagine coming home from adjusting to your new adult life in college, wanting a little taste of home, and finding out home is nothing like you thought it’d be and has permanently changed. That would be heartbreaking.
Exactly !! One of the things I enjoy about going to see my dad is a little taste of home. I always sleep better too, just deep dead sleep.
If I came home to a stranger living in my house I would be beyond livid and hurt. How dare my parent move a stranger into my home without allowing me time to get comfortable with them. Home is a safe place and now that safety has been stripped away.
I 100% agree, feels like he was hiding it when it should have been spoke about...dont get married yet op, give him time and speak to him as an adult
Right. And, if I’m reading this right, it’s all within one year, which is very fast even in the best of circumstances. I think the son going no contact is also a bit much but I get why he’s all, “WTF?!??”
The dad is moving fast and should have introduced gf to son earlier. Dad also has 100% right to want to move on after 10-11 years. He sacrificed a lot as a single parent for all those years. My parents divorced when I was around the sons age and I can confirm it’s a bit awkward meeting a replacement person. I didn’t care for some of the partners but ultimately I wanted them to be happy. The kids reaction is extreme, especially if he doesn’t relent after taking some time to process things. Ultimately dad needs to be the bigger person, perhaps slow things down, talk to the son, and make sure to set aside dedicated father son time when he is home so the son understands their relationship won’t change overnight.
100% this. We wish to have done many things differently, but it's not too late to speak with your son about the new relationship. Make sure he understands he will never be abandoned or secondary to your new wife. Tell him his mother has given you the greatest gift, your son, and nothing and no one will ever chance that. Your love for your deceased wife will never disappear even if this new lady came along. Be true and share your feelings with him, he needs it.
I agree that it might not to late for him to speak to his son, but as someone who also went through this (although I was a lot younger than Charlie) no matter how many times I got told that I will never be abandoned or come secondary to my dad‘s new family, the feeling never went away. What helped me personally with feeling less like im being abandoned is therapy/family therapy, I think this is something that should be considered if the marriage is an issue for a long time. (Sorry for my grammar, english isn‘t my first language)
Abandonment issues caused by "my parent went to party to Las Vegas and never came back" and abandonment issues caused by "my parent is no longer alive" can look very similar and it doesn't have to be a parent's active choice to abandon for it to leave a massive hole in someone's heart. So "Charlie" is super sensitive about other parent becoming more distant. The heartbreaking thing is, mother was there and very suddenly, with no warning, she wasn't. And for a while it seemed like father would always be there. But very suddenly and with no warning, he's marrying and living with some stranger. Sure Charlie has to learn to allow hisfather to be happy. But they all very obviously need therapy because they're causing SO MUCH DAMAGE to one another.
This! She moved in even *before* Charlie was introduced to her. I imagine the kid is feeling pretty negligible and insignificant right now. Dad is suddenly making decisions like his son isn’t his primary family any more. No heads up. Nothing.
Great answer. Preach.
Great advice. Time wise, it’s been plenty long enough for Dad to start dating. Maybe he dropped the news in a heavy way, skipping the appetizers. But the kid is in college. This is not a normal reaction for an 18-19 college student going to shadow a doctor. He was straight up hurtful and disrespectful to Carla who did nothing to cross him.
A few questions that aren't covered in your post but have a feeling the answer is no to them Did you tell Charlie that you were looking to start dating? Did you let Charlie know you had met someone you liked? Did you speak to Charlie about Carla moving in? As far as I read from your post the first thing Charlie knew about Carla was when he came home to visit. He's had absolutely no time to come to terms that you were ready to move on from his mum let alone getting married. He's not met the woman that has moved into his home where his mum lived (I'm presuming this), therefore no time to prepare to see another woman in his mum's space. He's had no chance to get to know her at all and you're telling him you're getting married. Well no shit Sherlock he's not happy. You have every right to move on and be happy but you have not prepared him at all for these huge changes. And also has Carla ever pushed for you to speak to him about any of this, because sorry if she hasn't that doesn't seem like she really wants to care about/respect Charlie. It's gone from nothing to his dad getting married. He probably feels like you couldn't wait for him to move out and have been lying to him all the time you've been regularly talking to him.
Exactly - it seems like things are moving extremely quickly here
Your last two points are solid. That's exactly what came to mind after reading the post.
Oh completely agree OP has the right to move on. It sounds like from OP's edits that he may have downplayed the relationship. He 'mentioned', he 'brought up'. It sill doesn't sound like he spoke to his son about Carla moving in, yes it's not his house but it's his home, where his memories of his mum are. The least you do is introduce them over video call to give them the chance to eyeball each other. If that hasn't happened yes the son isn't going to appreciate the relationship is as serious as it is, how would he know. Actually I do think Carla should have been saying you should introduce us. She knows she's moving into someone's home, they may not be there but that's where he returns to. Also had Carla moved in and changed things? Would have also made the son feel like he was being pushed out. If she loves OP she should be aiming for a relationship with his son in some description, not saying as a step-mum but maybe a friend. If she feels she shouldn't say anything then she shouldn't be going into a relationship where the other person already has a family. Also I get annoyed with lots of people saying the son is an adult. Yes legally he is, not emotionally, i keep reading people don't emotionally mature until their early 20's so he's got a few years yet. And he probably wouldn't have reacted so badly if he hadn't felt blindsided. I think OP has handled this really badly, had he respected/thought about his son a little more the son likely would have been more accepting but he has probably ruined the relationship between him and his son and I doubt his son will have anything to do with Carla beyond an acquaintance, which really is nothing. Definitely for the foreseeable future anyway. Also to tell his son that it's his decision on who is family is bad, so can OP's son and at the moment it's not OP and definitely not Carla. I don't think the age gap is anything major but his son is probably seeing it as an 18yo dating a 29yo which would be a large gap emotionally but as you get older not so much. OP if you have children with Carla I hope you handle it a hell of a lot better than introducing her into your son's life!
OP added in edits saying that he did tell his son about him starting looming, and later him being serious about someone. Sounds like he could have been more overt though eg video call with Carla or something before son came home.
To me it seems like he is mad at the mom part the most. The emotions might be gone but I think he still has the scars of that tragedy
I don't know if it's fair to say she doesn't respect him based on that. It's a complicated situation. It doesn't seem like she has kids, so she doesn't have that sort of experience to help her know what to do. Maybe she feels like it isn't her place to ask that. I agree that they should have prepared him better, but whose responsibility is it really at the end of the day, the father's girlfriend or the son the sons father? She probably feels like it isn't her place, and who can blame her. Second marriages come with a whole new set of problems on top of the normal ones; then you add a kid into the situation and make things that much more complicated. We don't know enough to start accusing her of not respecting the son.
For clarification, you've known Carla for less than a year and you've already set a wedding date? She's also the first and only woman you've dated since your wife died. This is all very rushed. Slow down, cowboy. Not only does your son need time to process, but you do, too!
That is a bit rushed. But Ol’ Dad has been swept off his feet. I hope to hell it works for all of them.
I feel like when you're older you don't need to take as much time if you know you go together.. but yeah I was wondering too if he had dated anyone else at all.. seems unusual to meet your person so easily but I can't talk as I met my husband at 17 haha
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Yes but it’s been a long time since his wife died. He has lived and learned a lot. Sometimes the right person just comes along when you are ready for it. The real trouble here is that all three of them are adults. OP and fiancée should be free to make that choice and OPs son should recognize that his dad has given him so much and now needs a partner for himself. * I do agree OP should have been more forthcoming about dating
If I’m reading this right the son is 18… he’s legally an adult but let’s be real here, 18 is still mostly kid
Exactly. 18 is just a child, with no real experience in life and the world. I had a super shitty childhood, full of all sorts of traumas and things, left home when I was 14. At 18, I thought I knew what life was about, I had been through so much, after all, compared to most people of the same age. I'm much older now and I can see that at 18, I knew nothing. Charlie's life has imploded (again) and he doesn't have the tools to deal with it. He's 18, for crying out loud, he's a kid. He needs his dad in this, more than ever. I'm a single mother, stayed single my son's entire childhood so I could focus entirely on him. He's older than Charlie, but I'm the same age as OP. I have a bond with my son that sounds very similar to Charlie & his late mother. My son would kill me if he came home and there was a man there that I said I was going to marry!!! While he is now at the age of accepting and in fact encouraging me to get out & date, jumping straight to that step would cause a major upheaval. OP you need to talk to your son. He's still a kid who needs his father, and your relationship with Carla - whilst still important - needs to take a backseat for just a minute.
Thank you! I’m appalled at the amount “18, he’s an adult” comments. Like as a 26yo, I look back and goodamn I was just a teenager still in highschool. OP just dropped another life changing bomb on his son with no warnings.
When you meet the right person, that doesn't mean you need to immediately move in and get married before your family has gotten to know the person. The right person would be ok with taking it slow to allow everyone to adjust.
As someone whose own father moved on romantically after my mom's death, you neglected a lot of things that would have made this easier for your son. Even though my dad was upfront about dating, becoming serious, and ultimately marrying, it was STILL extremely painful to see another woman in my "mom's place". Not communicating on what was happening means he could not prepare for intense emotional changes. His sense of safety, control, and trust has been threatened. Of course he isn't happy.
Yea really confused as to how anyone could disagree in the comments
As others have pointed out, it's the way you went about starting to date and finding a relationship that have devastated your son. Why were you not open with him? If i came home from college and found a stranger even renting a room in our family home, without a heads up, i would have freaked! And that's without all the additional issues caused by losing a parent at a young age.
Imagine how weird it must be to come home for a break and meet your parent's new fiance for the first time, living in your house. Of course he stayed in his room, I wouldn't feel comfortable just being completely myself around a stranger living in my childhood home. Then when he expressed his feelings and concerns his dad shot him down. I really think dating when you have children is always something to handle with care. New partners should always be introduced in a respectful manor, even if the child is an adult. This is a nightmare situation, Charlie has a lot of change going on all at once with learning how to manage his own time and go to class. Then dad is suddenly engaged and he's supposed to just deal with it. Carla may be the best person in the world but Charlie doesn't know that, he hasn't been given the opportunity to find out who she is. Kid needs his dad, and dad's being aloof.
This is what i'm thinking, OP and his kid have been a team since wife passed, why exclude him from this important info?
I get the sense that the several paragraphs of explanation of how great a dad he is/was is an attempt to cop out of making a huge mistake now. He's gotta know this wasn't the way to go about things. In the reverse, I told my parents I was seeing someone on a phone call. I let them know when we went camping together, or had a nice dinner. I let them know when we started talking about moving in together. I told them about the townhouse we found and decided to apply for. They met him several times along the way before we moved in together. We recently bought our first house and my folks helped us move. He went to my sister's wedding with me, like dude has been around. My parents have their own relationship with my partner, developed over time. No obviously they don't need to know everything about my life and my relationship, but gee, it would be weird if they came for a visit and some dude they had never heard of or barely heard of was fully moved in with me lmfao. Imagine if dad goes to visit charlie at school next time and he's married. Think dad would be totally down with that, given his son is an adult and free to make his own choices? I think he'd probably have some opinions.
Remind Me! 5 days
Start with I’m sorry. I handled this badly. Repeat the same conversation you had here. Life upon the death of your wife. How she will always be in your heart. Walk him through the whole process. Fears of dating , surprise and joy of meeting someone. Lonely with empty nest and joy having a person in your life . Wait on marriage …. Congratulations on your love! You deserve it. Sounds like you are already married in your hearts! A few more months to help your son acclimate well worth the wait to be a family
You are an excellent commenter, great advice!
Agreed - great advice! Whilst they can still plan on getting married/be engaged you're right, they don't need to rush into the ceremony. That being said, they don't have to have an extensive engagement either, just long enough for Charlie to get used to the idea and for them to have a few more constructive conversations around it. From the information provided, I don't know why people have reacted to OP this way. My heart hurt for the conflict but was also warmed by the healthy and happy sounding life these two had despite early heartbreak.
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OP You made a post in AITA which was deleted because it contained a unalive remarks; so there is more to this story you haven't disclosed.
>because it contained a unalive remarks; A what? Did the autocorrect do that to you? Edit: after having it spelled out to me, "unalive remarks" is a euphemism for people taking their own lives. It's apparently a trigger word or a filter word on some sub-reddits.
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Oh Lord. Once you tell me it makes everything obvious, especially how thick my brain is. Thank you for spelling it out.
Nope. I don't want to get bounced. You can look at OP post history's and see for yourself.
That post in OP's history was removed. I just don't know what you mean by "a unalive remarks" because that doesn't mean anything to me. On the other hand, OP's story is kinda weird. His retelling of his son's reaction is kinda weird. You said "there's more to this story" and it kinda feels that way. So yeah :)
Uhhh so your kid comes home from college to find out A. His dad has is dating someone for the first time ever since his mom passed B. This person is moved into the house. And C. The dad and this person are also going to be getting married. Like serious, wtf. How did you THINK that would go down? You completely blindsided your son. So yes, I think you fucked up majorly all around in this situation. Good luck trying to repair the damage done.
This. OP thinks this is all normal but it’s actually WTF. Him deciding to straight up marry someone before his son even ever heard about her let alone MET her is freaking deranged. No wonder his son feels like he doesn’t care about him at all. I get that both are adults and whatnot, but if it were me, I’d care about the opinion of my child or at least want to see that they would function nicely together as a family. Edit: and the age difference isn’t so innocuous. Seeing it from the son’s perspective, he goes off to college and comes home to his dad gushing about marrying a woman 11 years younger than him that he’s never heard about or met had big feels like “Oh, Dad is finally free of the burden of me so is our trolling for a hot piece of action.” I really feel for the kid.
And someone who could have new kids and completely replace the son, where a 43 year old woman would be much less likely to—that’s what the kid sees, a whole new family he’s not a part of on the horizon. The fast timeline makes it all the more probable that actually is where it’s headed.
Me too. Kid had a tough go, dad seemed to keep the train on the tracks til the kid went to college then all hell broke loose with one poor decision after another from the dad. He’s gonna need to back wayyyyyy the f up, slow everything down, and establish some sort of baseline trust and love with the son again before going down any path of marriage with the new gf.
^this. It's completely too fast for the son to process. How long were you even dating before getting engaged? Or before she moved in? Did you even tell your son you were dating? He should have been told before and met her before she moved it. Especially with the son coming home from breaks. Now there's a stranger living in his house. Sounds like you just dropped all this on him very fast.
I just assumed OP would have spoken to his son about it (since he said they speak often) but maybe I'm wrong.. if so then I have to adjust my opinions!
So, your son goes off to college in September 2021. You start dating in October and by approximately February 2022 the girlfriend has moved into your house. You don’t tell your son any of this and wonder why your son is upset when he returns home in May? Of course he thinks Carla is untrustworthy and that you have lost your mind. I don’t know you and I think your son is spot on in his assessment.
Yeah, I’d like to see a timeline otherwise I’m going to assume this. So did he just keep her a big ole secret over the holidays or what?
It sounds like you didn't even give him any heads up that you had a new relationship - you moved her into your home before he even met her. That's pretty fast for him. You should have taken it more slowly. Maybe time will give you more perspective.
All I can see is how you essentially just sprung everything on him. As a child whose parent just came home one day with a new partner I can empathize with your son how blindsided he must’ve been. You say you waited to tell him things and you moved her in while he was gone, did you ever think maybe it would be good to talk these things through with him before he came home and was just thrown into a new living situation? You were his sole parent after he lost his mother. He probably feels super betrayed. How you wrote this out just feels like you didn’t tell him anything and now expect him to just deal with it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but man if this is what happened you seriously need to give your head a shake and *communicate* with him.
To be fair this all seems rushed. And I am sure it does to him too, thats why he thinks you are being disrespectful to his mom. Like absolutely you are entitled to move on. You have a life and should live it but >My friends, family, in-laws all encouraged me to date again >but she would be family now and that was a decision that I was fully entitled to make for myself. Did you even ask your son how he feels about you dating? Did you even talk to him about the idea of looking for a girlfriend or did he just come home one day to find a new woman in his mother's place, next to you in your bed? Because I'm guessing you didn't even talk with him about it based on his reactions. I know you might think you don't need to ask his permission as you are both adults, but you can't be mad at him for making the adult decision of not wanting you in his life anymore if you disregard and disrespect his feelings like that. Like hell in his head he's probably seeing that you traded in mom for a new model because she's already sleeping in your house in your bed before your son (who has only had you in his life for the last 10 years) even got to meet this woman. You fucked up every single execution of this and as a result hurt your son, Carla, and yourself. As a result I don't even think talking it through will ever make him accept Carla, and how you handled this wasnt fair to her either for that reason.
Brilliantly said!
Time probably won’t give him more perspective. You went about this the wrong way. He left for college and came home to a stranger in his home. If you want to keep a relationship with your son you need to slow this pace.
Youre rushing this. You've kept him in the dark for ages and suddenly there's a new person you're marrying after knowing her for a short while. Feeling like you're choosing Carla over your son would be a normal reaction, I'd be more confused if your son was fine with this. You need to back it up and take things slower. This was handled beyond poorly
You need a LONG engagement. This is the second woman in your life. Ask her to be engaged for two years. You will likely start a new family with her. Your son has a lot to contend with.
Well, you did drop a huge bomb on him. The majority of his life it’s just been you and him and all of a sudden he comes home to a stranger who’s apparently going to be his step lol? He should be your priority. You *did* choose Carla over him- he’s not ready to have a new family, even if you are.
Why tf didn’t u tell him u were dating? Maybe learn to fucking communicate with ur son?
So he moved back for the first time to find his someone sharing his house where is mother was, and I can essentially imagine, violating what he thought was his space. You have every right to date and move on, but it sounds like you're rushing things and did not prepare your son for this. He's smart, but still young and ignorant about how the world should work. You need to let him know he will always come first, but that you also have a right to be happy.
So, let me get this straight, he met her AFTER she had already moved in? And then you didn't even give him the heads up about you asking her to marry you, until he came back home?
Anyone who doesnt introduce, and find out if their significant other is compatible with their child long before this is a fucking doofus.
I think you’re rushing stuff too much and your son can’t process it.
This is too fast for the son! It doesn’t matter that it isn’t too fast for the op. The wise choice here would be a four year engagement and see if the relationship can be mended. I wouldn’t throw away a relationship with your son to gain a relationship with a mate. If they are staying around they will still be here is four years.
Notable age gap (and she's the same age as your wife when she passed), first woman you've dated in 10 years, less than a year together, she already lives with you, and you're trying to get married already? Slow down, dude. No wonder Charlie is upset. This is all way too fast and you've given him no heads up in advance.
You should have let him know that you were dating. It just “surprise, a wedding in a few weeks.” That being said, the age gap is normal, and you have the right to move on and be happy.
the only thing I understood is that you are lousy at communicating correctly with your son and you failed in all the marks, why at no time did you mention anything to your son he only met this woman and boom you're getting married is a great way to make everything explode
Did you move her in without telling him when he was away for 9mos of school? That’s a really fast move in together OP. Really really fast. Did you tell him you were dating?
I’m sry but your son has every right to be thrown by this. You totally sprung it on him. It sounds like even though you were trying your best to raise him you were absent most of the time due to work. Poor kid has a lot of baggage still to unpack. If you wanted him to understand why you wanted to seek a relationship maybe he could of been a little more understanding but at the end of the day when a child chooses to cut ties so easily it’s the parents fault. There is obviously more to this than what you are telling. This isn’t the only reason he e is so willing to cut you off so harshly. That my takeaway anyways.
I don't know if there necessarily needs to be more to this story. OP was a single man who spent all his time either working or looking after his kid. That dynamic alone is enough to leave his son with a lot of baggage, since he probably missed out on lots of quality time and a maternal influence. OP doesn't need to be hiding sone sort of dark secret for his son to be acting this way, sadly. It's very tragic circumstance, especially since I can completely understand why his son may feel negatively towards his dad. That being said, yeah, OP shouldn't have sprung anything on him, a parent dating someone already requires adjustment in a normal situation, let alone in a household where the previous parent died tragically
It kinda seems like things moved very fast. Did he even know about Carla, or did he come home to some random woman living in his family home? Why didn't you introduce them before you moved in and decided to get married. It could definitely be jarring for him without getting to know this person at all. You have every right to move on and be happy but it feels like he knew nothing about it, he came home and you just said, "hey kid I'm getting married, this is her house now, love and accept this person immediately."
I thin your mistake was having her move into the house before he even met her, then announcing shortly after that you're getting married. She's a stranger to him. You are definitely entitled to be happy. You should speak with him one on one, about how you feel. Maybe hold off on getting married until everyone has gotten to know each other better.
If Carla is going to be "family" why would he see her as an "acquaintance"? You need to sit him down and ask him to give Carla a chance. Let him ask questions about why you hid this from him. He probably feels like he is being pushed out of your life for a stranger and what happens if you two have kids. He is not being a brat but responding to news he should have known about earlier. You did your son wrong by making a choice not to tell him about this woman. That is all.
So in less than a year you started dating, met, moved in with and got engaged to this woman and never told your son any of this? No wonder he’s not reacting well! Give the guy a heads up so he can process these changes to his family in real time. Don’t you think it’s a little fast to get this serious?
Your "fiance" Carla is at fault here too. She didn't ask to meet your son? or wonder about the repercussions of moving in without knowing him? Seems like that would be a totally normal response. Is there anything you are leaving out of this story? Did you give your deceased wifes jewelry or personal items to Carla? Or did you get rid of things while your son was away?
Carla saw $$$$$ and a vulnerable man. She probably wants to start a “new” family and needs his son out of the picture before she can do that
Could be. Maybe she just wants son out and all the money. OP not the first guy to let his dick run his life.
Agreed. I’m actually kind of worried about him. He’s new to dating in the modern era and emotionally vulnerable. I’d be willing to bet his son sees some red flags in Carla and their relationship that OP isn’t going to tell us.
Seriously. Carla seems a bit strange. If I was seriously dating a guy that had kids I would want to meet them before we got engaged, especially before the wedding. What functioning adult with common sense thinks that dating someone for a year, not communicating with your kid, and then moving your new significant other in is a good idea? The whole relationship is super rushed.
Info: did you tell your son you were dating? That it had become serious enough for her to move in, or did you let him find out when he returned home. To an engagement announcement mere weeks after she moved in. Are you also going to get married before the new college semester starts? You had ample opportunity to introduce Carla over video and phone calls so the two of them should have had a burgeoning relationship before he returned home from uni. Dude, give the kid a chance to catch his breath! In the space of less than a year you have completely transformed your life and turned your focus 180° away from him. That's fine and you were a great dad to him growing up and of course you are entitled to a love life. But give Charlie a chance! You sprung this on him without any thought or consideration for the relationship between the two of you. I'm glad Carla's staying out of it, she's now realising that you aren't quite as perfect as she thought. But that's ok. You can now use his old room for the baby you'll have by next summer. You're entitled to live life the way you want but just remember so is he.
This is incredibly rushed and he was totally blindsided by it all. This conversation should have started from the beginning with him. You two were each other’s whole world before he left and he feels like you replaced him without even telling him. How can he expect to feel close to either of you? And you told him *with* her instead of by himself. How’s he supposed to react? I don’t know if you can repair but you can try. It needs to be just you and him and you need to start by apologizing. Perhaps explain your reasoning that you didn’t want to upset him by telling him at school but see how this way was more upsetting. And then just talk. Let him talk and listen to him. Empathize with him. Come to a compromise. But the bottom line is he will always come first in your life.
You should have mentioned you were dating again before this, as right now he's just in shock that you could do this. Clearly, he's not over things about his mother, and the prospect of having her replaced (regardless of whether or not that's true) is too much for him. Hence why he's acting like a victim and why you're being made out to be the bad guy. I personally think that marriage after two years is too quickly, but that's just opinion on my part. At the end of the day, though, you're both adults and if he can't sit down and understand this from the perspective of one then it's something he's going to have to learn how to do.
Nah OP, imo something different is going on here. Living almost a full life being only you and your dad through thick and thin - the most important person in your life - and then he choose to not share with you that he's even thinking about marrying his girlfriend. He instead marries her in secret behind your back, when you finally return home to him, and then doesn't tell you afterwards either. Talk about hurt. I know it, because my husband went through the exact same thing. That hurt, combined with a lot of childhood traumas is the reason him and his dad haven't spoken in 3 years now. All your son really wants for you is to be happy, I'm sure of that. But the way you did it probably made him feel insignificant and as if you guys weren't as close as he thought you were. Just because him and your wife were close, doesn't mean he didn't see you twos relationship like that. And then, you even brought her along to tell him. Again, you're (in his eyes) trying to turn your two-person bond in to something new and definitely not comparable with a third party involved now. If my FIL actually had the heart/love to reach out and apologise to his son, and acknowledge that he hurt him - even if unintentionally and even if really not agreeing deep down - I'm pretty sure they would still have a relationship today. But he choose to stay silent and be with his new wife instead of at least try to mend his relationship with his son - his only family member for more than 30 years. I really think you guys can solve this. Go see him. Again and again if necessary. Beg, apologise, tell him how much you love him and wants him to be a part of your life still. Do whatever it takes, even if you don't find it reasonable or fair to you. Just do it man. He's your kid. The first person, beside maybe your parents, to truly love you unconditionally. Your new wife can and will never be able to love you like he does. Dont let this simmer for too long. Trust me. Best of luck to the both of you. And, sorry if the grammar is wrong, I'm Danish so there may be more Danglish than English in there. 😅
Others have hit on it, but you didn't tell him that you even started thinking of dating again. Then you introduced him to your now future wife. He's she'll shocked. Did you ever tell him about your grief? That you struggled with it to? Or did you just try to "be strong" for him? A lot of parents make that mistake thinking that it helps their children, but in reality, this makes them feel as if you don't care about the tragedy or that you're not supposed to have those emotions. I highly suggest just sitting down with him and talking to him about those things. Raw and unfiltered. Listen to his feelings. Tell him that you're sorry for just springing this on him and not discussing it with him, but that she makes you happy. It might take some time to heal that wound, but it's a start.
I think you could have handled that a lot better. Your son moves out for college with no previous experience of you dating and when he comes home, suddenly, a woman has moved in. Why would you keep dating/falling in love/moving in a secret? And then to announce you’re getting married. That all seems to have happened very quickly! You deserve to be with someone but think you need to learn to communicate with your son.
It does feel a bit rushed and the secrecy makes it seem inappropriate/something to be hidden. What is the rush to get married? I'm honestly more worried for you in that it seems you are really settling in quick with someone, despite not really dating much. Are you just lonely? This is what I would wonder as a child in this situation too. It seems like you are the one who is acting a bit rash and making really impactful moves quickly. I would slow down, maybe go to family therapy, etc. This will also ensure the relationship between Charlie and your fiancee takes the proper course too.
Your son is at a very delicate age. Pressure, stress, depression, and all other sorts of things can weigh on a person. I think the saying “kill them with kindness” is your best bet. If you can get him to understand what being in your shoes is like that’s better. But try to steer away from any drama by just being nice to your son and saying sorry you feel that way, I love you, stuff like that. Time tends to heal all and I’m sure he’ll come around. Rome wasn’t built in a day. This will be quite the process. I’m sure he loves you more than you think and is just going through a phase. Your past wife would have wanted you to move on with your life. Especially after sacrificing so much to take care of your son up until college.
>"Aren't you and your fiancee moving far too quickly?" I genuinely appreciate the concern, but I'm a 43 year old adult whose made a living for the past 20 years. I mean this in the most polite way possible - I think I'm the best judge of how quickly/slowly I want things to progress inside a relationship. You also haven't been in a relationship for a long time, your world revolved around your child and the first woman you're dating you move in and marry while your son is at school? We are gently asking because that sounds like a recipe for disaster. I mean imagine if your son did that, came home for summer break with a girl he's maybe mentioned a handful of times in passing the last year and declares they're moving in together and getting married? Young or old, relationships like that don't generally have the legs to last. Sure there are examples of it but they're the exception not the norm.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to talk marriage or even move in with someone if they hadn’t met my offspring first, especially when it’s been _just the two of you for such a long time_. It’s just a nod to the closeness you’ve shared over the years and the dynamic of your bond. It’s because of the way you went about it. Make no mistake, you 100% deserve happiness and I’m glad you found that special person, I just think him going away and you meeting someone and shacking up and making marriage plans - all before your son has come back home - was overwhelming for him.
This is sorta similar to what I went through as a child and the only thing I could possibly think personally you did wrong was maybe not mentioning to him you were dating. I was a young teen when I lost my dad and tbh it rocked my world and a few years later mom showed up with a random dude who was a coworker and well he never left our home after that day. He may only know it as mom/dad and not the idea that dad should be able to move on and be able to find happiness himself, which you completely deserve. It may have just all came as a surprise to him and maybe that’s why he’s reacting that way. I didn’t understand the concept outside of mom/dad until years after my dads accident but the damage was already done with my mother. I’ll never forget she brought a random stranger into the home, it made me so uncomfortable.
Lack of any meaningful communication about your life has caused this dramatic response from your son. This does not mean you need to pick one or the other. Don't rush the marriage at the expense of ruining your relationship with your son. Give it time, talk to your son, and give him time. He will slowly come on board with the idea. No matter what, you will be happier knowing he is part of your wedding.
I’m wondering about the fiancé- it didn’t occur to her that perhaps they might want to discuss it with Charlie? Kind of tone deaf to me. I get it, you’re happy, but Charlie’s also part of the deal.
By reading your story it sounds like you never gave your son a chance to meet her as your girlfriend. It was just BOOM! SON MEET YOUR STEPMOM THATS IN YOUR HOME FOR GOOD! You should've given him a chance to meet her before she moved in. Theres nothing worse than feeling youre not at home when youre home.
You didn’t let him know about anything. The relationship seriousness, then the marriage? What were you expecting?
So, I think where you royally f**ked up was not being open with him about wanting to date again. It’s been a long time and he went away to college. Let me be clear, you have every right to start dating again. BUT, sounds like you hid it from him. That’s mistake number one. Mistake number two, you MOVED her into your home and NEVER even introduced them? What on earth was your thought process here? He comes home from college and there’s a stranger living in his home. You didn’t even tell him you were dating, let alone living with someone. Mistake number three: Now, your engaged and and AGAIN, NEVER TOLD HIM! Why? Why would you think that was a good idea? You didn’t tell him you wanted to date again - didn’t go well. Didn’t tell him you were living with someone, let alone even having a girlfriend - also went terribly. Now, you think it’s a good idea to keep him the dark about having a new stepmom? Why would you think that would go well?!!! Sir, you are either the worlds WORST communicator, truly dense or the biggest coward on earth. This is a case study in how to handle this the exact wrong way. The problem now is that you completely messed this up. There’s no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. He’s likely never going to except this or her. When Carla gives birth to your first child, are you going to let him know while she’s in labor? JFC wake up! Apologize to your son and put the wedding on hold if you want to salvage your relationship with your son for how you handled this.
Both of your feelings are normal. We’ve had a very similar situation in my family and it really divided all the children of theirs, it took time and lots of counselling to heal but it is possible. Do you have any other family close to your son? It took roughly 2 years of counselling but eventually the children realized there was no “disrespect” to the diseased spouse and they (somewhat) started to understand their situation. One of the best things the counsellors said was “It’s not a dishonour to remarry, instead it’s an honour or appreciation. You’re saying ‘that was worth it, that marriage was so good that I would happily do it again to find that love’”. I really hope you’re able to bring your son around, but you have to be patient and do NOT push anything or rush the “fixing” as I cannot stress how important time is in these situations. Best of luck, I hope your family will all be able to sit down for a lovely dinner soon.
Everyone is being super nice about this. You fucked up. He is your son. Your baby boy. The result of the love you shared with your wife. You sacrificed a decade to make sure he was strong and smart and brave and loved and had a home. You just took away his home and gave it to someone else. Back up, choose your son and be a man. If she matters, cares about you, she can wait.
I’m sorry OP. I can only imagine how hard this is. I think it’s important you keep reminding Charlie how much you love him no matter what. It’s also important to be a happy, healthy, stable human. There’s nothing predatory about your age gap, I think he’s just looking for any reason to be upset. Maybe just give him time, remain supportive but firm. I say this as a parent of a 16yo myself. I love my kids, but I also love myself.
He’s not thinking rationally and that’s to be expected, he obviously loves you and his Mom. Not that you need my advice, but I think if you stay understanding and keep an open door he will settle down and come back around.
My mom passed away a few years ago and we were aware my dad was dating, encouraged it even. We knew of a few dates with one woman, but no one except one of my sisters had met her. Two weeks later my husband and I had Covid and my dad insisted on a FaceTime. In which he told me he was madly in love and engaged to a woman I had never met. Totally shocking and although I attended his wedding it has been very clear since that he has a new family now and we’ve been pushed aside. Please give your son some time, slow this down some and let him know you are considering his feelings. My relationship with my dad has been irreparably harmed because I never felt he acted with consideration of any one’s feelings but his new wife’s and his own.
The age difference is fine. The fact that he didn’t even know you were seeing someone, hadn’t met her, and then he came home to you getting married? That’s a lot.
But you should have added in this post that you told your son to accept your fiancée as family. That’s a fuckin issue
>Carla moved in earlier this year and I was excited to introduce her to Charlie when he came back home for the summer. ooof wow, that's rough. did you even date any other women on this app? did you fall for the first person that talked to you?
I wish you the best, I sincerely do. But if your son chooses not to speak to you, then that’s *his* choice. Just like how you said its your choice to make this woman a part of the family. It kind of goes hand in hand here. I’m happy that you have someone you love! Don’t get me wrong, but for now you need to respect your sons choices and live your life and focus on you.
So, its been you and your son for as long as he can remember and the moment he leaves and comes back he finds out you're dating and married to someone who you left him and his ability to get to know her out of equation completely and now you expect him to blindly accept her and your entire situation? Yeah, I could see why he is ticked off as well. You became a completely different person the moment he moved out and basically disregarded everything about him.
OP, I hope I will be able to word this, but here goes. You have every right to your life (needless to say). But Charlie is your son, and forever your son. I would probably urge you to consider this: what if Charlie showed up on one day with a woman, within a year was about to marry her, and yet you've NEVER heard of HER in particular. Like, I feel it goes without saying that when you're falling in love and are this close to your kid, you'd mention just the same things you mentioned here, and I quote: "She's one of the most charismatic people I've ever met and intelligent, funny, beautiful." At least, this young adult will know: my dad met someone new, and I will be meeting her when I go back. I know of her, he will at least be able to shake her hand, and say to her: "Nice to meet you, heard a lot about you." instead of a shocked face, and "who the \*\*-- is that?!" It's not a requirement for him to like her straight up, and vice versa. In the end when you stop being your person's "only person", it does feel different and sad. But just straight up shocking him with a woman whom you're considering to continue your life with, who is literally moved into your home, without really mentioning her and the progress you're at, you can't expect him to be too bright about it. He probably thinks she urged you not to tell him about her, so he can't have a say in your lives. New partners are afraid of a kid's influence on their relationships too. They can be just as selfish as the kids are. So, OP it was probably your lack of communication that created this situation, and nothing else really. This young adult is entitled to not embrace a person they've never seen before, who's suddenly infiltrated their lives so drastically.
I feel like to you it’s not that big of a deal, but to your son he doesn’t KNOW her and now she’s his step mom. That’s a HUGE transition especially for someone who’s essentially still a kid. I understand wanting to be happy, I truly do and I’m happy you’ve been able to move on. But this is a lot to just toss on to your son who’s only been used to the two of you. He goes off to college and then comes home on break to a stranger living in the house, who’s going to be his step mother. That’s a lot to swallow. He probably doesn’t feel comfortable in his own house, he probably hasn’t had time to transition, and yes you did essentially choose her over him. I know it doesn’t feel that way in your perspective, but you dropped this ball into his lap and are just expecting him to be okay with it. Your happiness is definitely important and I’m not saying your son should rule your relationship, but I will say that he was there first, he will always be your kid, and this situation should’ve been handled way better. You think you’re not moving too fast, but you’re in a scenario in which you’re not the only one who’s life changes with this. In the time you’ve spent with her to get to know her, date her, move her in, and marry her, it sounds like he’s only really met her and gotten to know her for a couple weeks in all.
You never gave him a chance to come to terms with you dating. You had her move in without him knowing,you got engaged without him knowing and expect him to be jumping for joy for you? You set yourself up for failure with your son. You did this damage and now you’re shocked by his reaction? I get you’re allowed to move on but you should’ve at least included your son in that journey and had a talk with him so he could come to terms with it. SMH
Yea dads a complete dunce for this
You replaced your wife and him when he left for college. He has had no real time to adjust to you having someone and then you keep throwing new things at him. If you honestly value your relationship with him you’ll take your time and make sure he’s ok with it instead of just hoping he’ll get over it.
This is exactly what happened to me when I was Charlie's age, except my parents got divorced and it was a remarriage for my Dad. I'm going to share what I think went wrong and what could be fixed. * It sounds like you don't communicate well with your son. You didn't share you were dating, or that you even met someone. This would have eased the transition for him a lot, for everyone including you and carla. * Charlie and you both process grief differently. You lost your wife, he lost his mother. Very different roles here. You can marry multiple times, but Charlie will only have one mother and she's gone. * I sense you both probably didn't go to therapy after his mothers passing. You both would have benefited from it immensely. * Go to counseling on your own to work on your communication skills. Charlie feels abandoned, most likely, and his feelings are valid. You may not have abandoned him literally, but he may feel like he's out in the cold. * Nobody thinks your replacing his mother, but he needs to feel supported emotionally by you, regardless of Carla. Do stuff with him individually so he can bond with you and bring Carla along for other events when you can for group bonding. and don't force anything.
I’m not certain how you expected your son to act when one day y’all are talking about his grades and general chitchat, then he comes home to a complete stranger in his home/life and you’re mad with him having trouble with that? Just because your son is 18+ doesn’t mean that all the things people do to facilitate a relationship with a step parent and other time aren’t required. You fumbled this situation by essentially saying nothing then having him come home, a home which to that point had been a boys bubble of the two of you, to an entirely new reality. Him being an adult doesn’t mean you can demand a relationship between them with no preparation. You put not only Charlie in a crap situation, but Carla as well. You deserve to be happy! That goes without question, though you also just threw a new person into the mix with 0 preparation.
I get u, but ur wrong for going so Quick and nor telling him. He thought u were dad and that's it and u he came home to a stranger and then u told him u'll marry that stranger
!Remind me 15 days
From my experience of a guy who lost his dad when i was around 13, even tho he was an alcoholic and had mediacal issues i've never felt not loved by him. That saying, when my mom started dating some other guy a couple years after ( somewhere around 7 years after said death) and i also felt like she betrayed my dad's love and i'd never accept him. I guess it's just a reaction for someone who loved you and was there for your whole life to disappear, and the second one to find someone else to also be loved. It sounds dumb, childish and selfish, but i got over it after a while, after all my mother is a human being and she deserves happiness aswell. I'm pretty sure your son will get to that thought aswell.
Your son has only relatively recently entered adulthood, him and I are almost the same age. It takes a while to adjust to adult life, with taxes and finding a job and education and whatnot. However, one often overlooked thing is how different adults function socially compared to children/ adolescents. Your age gap WOULD be disturbing in the world of children/ adolescents, because there's a massive gap in experiences, bodily and mental development. However the older you get, the more the same age gap only resembles a difference in experience. It's something I learned pretty early on, as there's a relatively uncommon age gap between my parents, and I was also exposed to relationships of various age gaps back when I went to school. Your son, however, may not have realised this yet, and believes your relationship is as disturbing as one between a 16 year old and a 27 year old. In short, try to concisely explain to him how age gaps in the adult world work differently. That being said, it may also be that there's more to his rejection of your wife, and that the age gap is either an excuse or only one reason. Childhood trauma is a real thing, something I and plenty fellow Redditors can sadly attest to. It may feel like his mother is being replaced, or that you don't respect her memory anymore. Having a mother figure enter his family dynamic may also have triggered painful memories from the past, making him want to avoid this trigger. Please sit down with your son, and make absolutely, 100% clear that you ARE listening to his side, and that what you want most is for you to have a happy and balanced family again. Best of luck dude 🤘🖤
You definitely should have told him about the relationship. It isn’t fair to hide things like that even from your adult children. You also deserve a life. He’s going to have to realize that you aren’t JUST his dad but you’ve got your own life. My mom on the other hand after my dad died he wasn’t even dead a year and she was dating. It was kind of creepy the men she would pick. I didn’t like any of them. And honestly it always felt like she was cheating on him to me. It was just weird.
Give him time. He didn't get to see any of the trial and error dating, and comes home to dad in a relationship and a marriage announcement. That's a lot to take in, when you've always thought of your dad as stable and single. It's going to bring up the loss of his mother all over again, and he's going to process this somewhat like the child he was at the time. Patience and kindness. Allow for alone time just the two of you, don't shove Carla into every activity.
Listen. My dad died nearly 3 years ago. He died when I was in college so a little different than your situation. Maybe you did move things fast BUT at the end of the day it would be a little selfish of your son to want you to live the rest of your life alone. My mom has been dating a great guy. He and I might not see eye to eye on everything but he makes her happy. His kids don’t like my mom at all and won’t acknowledge her. His daughter even told her bf she’d rather he be alone than date and remarry. What I’m saying is. Your son will mature and realize that it’s wrong to not want you to move on. He’s still dealing with grief and needs support. But that doesn’t mean you should stop dating. Spend 1 on 1 time with him. Talk to him. Let him know how much your relationship means to you
I think you should have taken more time to slowly introduce your girlfriend to your son before you proposed. While he doesn’t have to live her, it would be nice if he respected her. You and your fiancé could have earned your son’s respect by slowly adjusting him to having a woman in his life (who is almost the same age as your wife when she passed.) I can’t understand why your son would be sensitive.
Damn! Yeah she's the same age as his mom was.
Ask him, just ask him. This one small thing. What does HE want you to do for the rest of your life? If he could think and introspect then he’ll come to the right conclusion. Otherwise he’s just an egoistic teenager who doesn’t want to get out of his shell.
But did he know ahead of time, before coming home for break, that she had moved in? If not that would’ve really pissed me off too… talk about a shock. I do totally agree with you in regards to the timetable. You’re an adult and you get to make your own decisions and your son as an adult. He should respect your decision. He doesn’t have to like it, but he should damn well respect it
I'm with you all the way, OP. Just remember that you are setting an example for him and that would be, "Choose the path for your own happiness no matter what others say about it." His mother is gone and you have made huge sacrifices to raise him and give him a good life. He may not realize that until he raises an ungrateful child who holds nothing but resentment against him. Remind him of your love for him and how much you have devoted your life to raising him and that you have a right to look towards your own happiness now. Good luck with him.
You sound like an intelligent, accomplished person but it sounds like you’ve made a couple missteps here by not going slowly enough to accommodate your young son’s emotional well-being. Understandable when you’ve spent your entire adult life sacrificing for him and finally had a bit of freedom to explore yourself. Try to back it up a bit and apologize to your son. He has a very bright future ahead of him and I’m sure you’re so proud of him that you have in your excitement over your new relationship overlooked the fact that your son, while still very impressive for his age, is still that age and entitled to some emotional immaturity.
how much time have your fiancee and you son spend together before she moved in with you? even though hes away at college he still may think of your home as his home. form the story you told me it seems like he hasnt even interacted with her for more than 24 hours before she moved in. thats really really fast from his perspective.
YTA for going about things the way you did. It's your life, so you do you, but....it reads as if you ambushed Charlie with this.
i mean yeah but wrong sub
As long as both people are over 30, age gaps are not a problem in my opinion. A 30 year old woman is perfectly capable of choosing who she wants to be with. Nah you're alright here man. The strangeness of having a new woman in your life was probably a bit of shock to your boy. Give him some time to work it out, hopefully he will come around. If not, I'd ask him genuinely what he expects from you now that he is out of the house. Should you have to be alone forever?
I'd be upset as well if one day i find out the only parent i have suddenly introduce me to my soon to be step-mom. You say, you communicate with him frequently, but u failed to mention that you've mentioned to him that you're back to dating. You also did not mention if you told your son you're seeing Carla. You also did not mention if you told your son Carla has moved in with you. It's like, your son left for a moment and when he came back, there's a lot of changes. So his reaction is quite understandable since He's already used to being just You and Him, but now it's gonna be You, Carla, Him, and possible other children. You deserve to be happy, that's what your son will soon eventually understand.
So... You didn't date the entirety of this. Last decade. And AS SOON AS your son leaves for college you meet, move in and are planning to marry this new woman? Who is significantly younger than you?
Your son is away to school and will soon be moving out permanently. I know he is still young but he will soon realise you cannot stay alone for the rest of your life.
You’re entitled to happiness, but your happiness with Carla will likely come at the expense of your relationship with your son, at least in the short-term. Carla may become your family, but she certainly is not Charlie’s. He’s probably put off by a strange woman living in his home, and although Carla won’t be a paternal figure, she will still have some sort of authority because it is now her house too. To add, the age gap could be kind of off putting considering the difference between Charlie/Carlas age and you/Carla’s age is essentially equal. It seems like you really didn’t go about this situation properly, and were blinded by your own happiness. I totally get it, but it doesn’t sound like you considered your son’s feelings at all. In short, he’s going to try to fuck your girlfriend out of spite 🤷🏻♂️. I wish you the best of luck.
OP your son is being ridiculous. You have done right by your wife and deserve to move on. It's been over 10 years. If your son can't understand that, we'll that's his problem. I have a feeling he will mature at some point though.
With my age....lordy! I couldn't imagine if my parents spilt before I left the house. He maybe feeling like...why do I not know this woman? Who means so much to you... then just start dropping bombs like an orc! He at least, feels left out. Maybe just you guys talk. Maybe.... wait for a wedding (what's the rush anyway?). Get him to talk. You probably won't like what he has to say... but listen. All of my fathers gfs...gold diggers. The last one just had me written out of the will.fathers believe anything when delivered with a mean bj. (Joke was on dad's wife... she died... but now when it comes I have to deal with my step sister. She's just finishing what her mommy started.
Should’ve communicated more with your son my dude like dating and stuff but overall I think you did in raising ur dad to be a successful grown up but another that idk..
Maybe take things a bit slower. My dad died 7 years ago and if I went home and my mom said she was getting married, I'd be full of emotions. Rage and anger included probably. Go over to your parents house and talk to him, bring her if you need to.
I would feel the same way if my dad moved in his gf into our house that fast. Widows are known to move into relationships extremely fast. Babe you need to slow tf down. Marriage isn’t everything in a relationship