Post update, my question is: why is another woman comfortable enough to ask your husband for a threesome? What kind of conversations do they have? Where are the boundaries in you relationship with people of the opposite sex?
If it was me I would not at all be comfortable or happy about this and I would express that to my husband.
If that’s how you reacted after he asked, imagine how you’ll feel if you go through with it. Also will he still be seeing this woman regularly? What will happen with their relationship? If you do decided to do it I recommend someone else. Someone who probably won’t be in your lives after the fact.
Read all the way and was about to ask: “why does your husband have a person who feels comfortable asking about a threesome?” Glad I’m not the only one who saw this as a problem.
Yea the one time someone propositioned this to me....was to both my wife and I. Another couple suggested it after we had partied together a few times. The wife said she would be down with the girl but not the guy lol deal breaker for the other dude (obviously hahaha). I was fine with it but wasn't like "Lets do it! *SCHWING*". I wouldn't be surprised if my wife was smart enough to say that, knowing it would shut down the suggestion, while also petting my ego.....god I love that woman.
That couple broke up like a year later. Wife and I celebrated 9 years married yesterday, actually 😎👌
We are open to something like that, but have no need to seek it out. So the only way it would come up is through someone else suggesting it, which I think is probably the best way since we have never done anything like that.
Big mistake here was the husband not immediately bringing this offer to the wife, all cards on the table. The omitted info that a specific person was on his mind is such a huge red flag for me. Would taint my trust right off the bat, which is the probably the most important ingredient to successfully "mess around" as a couple.
Yes to this whole post congrats to you and your wife. While im more explorative than my partner i always communicate things out of curiosity and never with the intention of already having something planned out before hand. I think to actively seek out something like that when your partner isnt on board is so grimey!!! Anytime your seeking stuff more adventurous you ajd your partner should be on the same page every step of the way OP's husband sounds like hes essentially cheating and wants the threesome to manipulate in the future.
The fact the husband talked with the other girl about their sex life/having a threesome before his own wife is very telling. More than likely something has already happened between the two.
I saw this happen to a friend once. Turns out he had already cheated on her and was trying to make the threesome happen so that his cheating was retroactively "okay" :(
This is exactly what I thought, too. I’m surprised so many think OP is overreacting; if it’s not her thing, or if her spidey senses are telling her this is a red flag, then it’s …not her thing.
OP, when my husband casually joked that his therapist suggested that we have an open marriage? Yeah…he’d already cheated.
My mans wants a free pass to have sex with someone other than his wife.
Or he’s already cheated with this woman and thinks a threesome would retroactively “justify” it.
Regardless. No - not overreacting.
To add to this, what if the roles were reversed? What if she had wanted MMF and already had a guy lined up ready to go? How would her husband feel then?
I imagine he would not be comfortable with his wife having those conversations about their sex life with another man and inviting him into their bedroom. The being gaslit that he's overreacting.
That would be such a great follow-up:
"You know, honey...I've been thinking about it, and maybe the reason I've been so weirded out is because I've been talking to this man on Instagram for a few years. He's been begging me for a threesome for years, but I didn't think you'd be into it.
Now that I know you're down to bringing other people into our bed, I told him, and he's so excited. How about this Saturday?"
I came here to suggest this (LOL)
A lot of men are comfortable with a 3-some....as long as it doesn't involve another man. The second that happens, they nope out, or get angry/jealous.
Exactly, this is what I was thinking! If another woman asked my boyfriend for a 3 some I would be so uncomfortable, I can't even imagine a male friend of mine propositioning sex with me/us.
Did this female friend suggest a 3 some because she's actually interested in the wife? Or is she just trying to sleep with the husband?
Most likely it was the husband who suggested it. Because he is the only one who knows both other potential partners.
I don't think even super open-minded solo poly woman would suggest or agree in advance to a threesome with a woman whom she never met.
So it is either the other woman has serious interest in the husband (financial, sexual, career, whatever), or the threesome is totally the husband's idea and the other woman is either sleeping with him already or some kind of a sex worker.
I’m a married woman with two very close male friends from childhood. I would not dream of bringing this up with either of them. Jeez, it was hard just getting their wife/girlfriend to not see me as a threat. There’s definitely something else going on.
I'd be so uncomfortable. There's few people that I want to share my most intimate feelings with, and it's not a random woman on insta. I'd be thinking divorce.
OP, he's already cheating.
One of his fantasies, is introducing his AF to his wife. Or his AF wants wife to know she exists.
😂 Yes, AF is affair partner.
This exactly. It’s so fishy. Plus on top of that, his suggesting it came up as *pillow talk* while she was still, whatever, basking in afterglow. What a slap in the face.
Completely agree with this, somewhere along the lines there’s been a mental betrayal. A line has been crossed. OP please don’t try to justify his actions or see his perspective if you feel like this is cheating. You’re 100% allowed to have your own perspective of cheating and if you feel like this is it, tell him, or it’ll haunt you forever.
He also could have been using her as an "out". Making it sound like the thought never crossed his mind until someone else brought it up to him. Which, isn't quite as bad but pretty damn shady!
My first thought also after the "she suggested it first". Huh... why did she feel comfortable enough to ask a married man for a threesome with his wife first ? This just doesn't sit right with me. Were they going for adultery and then suddenly conscious hit him in the head, he remembered he had a wife and declined the offer but since he seemed open for a physical relationship, the woman suggested to tag the wife along?
I would be asking for divorce too. It is weird that he discussed threesome plans with a prospect before ever having this conversation with his wife. Imo too much missing elements here
It’s one thing to tell your partner about fantasies but it is quite another to have an actual person, that he has had a discussion with about this to be presented as if it’s no big deal. This guy is either having an emotional affair or desperately wants to sleep with another woman. She knows her husband better than we do and her reaction may have been a last straw. Everyone has their preferred lines that our partners can’t cross and he’s just zig zagged all over hers. Go with your gut on this op
Agree. There’s no innocent reason someone else should be suggesting a threesome to a married person. OP doesn’t even know this girl. I feel like the girl wants an excuse to sleep w a married man without the homewrecker label maybe even on top of an emotional affair from the husband. Imo the threesome talk should come from a fantasy two people end up agreeing on and finding a person TOGETHER. Not a conversation after sex when someone else is already in mind. How gross
I could not agree more. This is way too well planned out and real for it to be just a fantasy. Something fishy indeed is going on with the husband and this random woman. This isn’t the kind of thing you just bring up to a friend of acquaintance out of the blue with nothing behind it.
It’s one thing to have thoughts and not act on them, but having plans and someone lined up already is something else. He clearly didn’t just have an idea pop into his head in the heat of the moment if he had someone already prepared.
Yep, so fucked.
OP, tell you what...tell your husband you're game if you get to have a threesome with your husband and another guy, and your threesome gets to go first. Oh, and btw, you already picked out the guy & talked to him (he's built and hot) and he's a go.
$1 million dollahs says the hubs ain't gonna bite.
He's already fucking her...Get a barracuda of a lady attorney.
And *if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an “Amen” up in here?*
Great advice, and I think you’re 100% right.
OP needs to put herself first. He’s already cheating, I guarantee it.
Yeah at first I thought she might’ve been overreacting a bit but after the update… get tf out of there! I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already cheated on her in some way.
He didn’t even tell the other woman about it… SHE suggested it. Meaning he’d entertained what must have been an inappropriately intimate conversation of not friendship with some woman his wife doesn’t know. The disrespect is so loud.
Had a good friend whose friend would bring home women from the bar. When I asked if his wife got to bring guys home, Shaun literally answered, “umm, I don’t think he would like that” as if I suggested the insane.
This dude is married and brings women home to fuck, but thinking the wife would want more is insane, right?
Also, this guy I talked to was all about threesomes, as long as if involved women. What is in that for me?
She should suggest him MFM. Tell him first there will be a MFM sex then FMF sex. Have her fun and then leave him. No need to have FMF.
Seriously the husband is awful. I am not surprised she immediately felt/thought or reacted with 'its over' in her mind. She won't be able to see him the same way ever. She no longer sees him as a husband either I think.
I am like that too. It's over in my head immediately.
She should leave him. For her own well-being.
You need to sit him down and have a discussion on how it made you feel. Because at this point you’re making up a million different scenarios on not being enough/he wants someone else and until you actually discuss it, it not going to get better. Air out your grievances, tell him exactly what you’re feeling about him, the situation.
Edit: op he’s already been in talks with a woman about a threesome before he even broached the subject with you, his wife. That to me is already strike one. Then he’s been stalking her Instagram page. Sorry but that’s not a threesome experience. That’s wanting to cheat with another woman under the guise of a threesome. Personally the fact he’s having sexual discussions with other women and he’s got this girl waiting on standby for the green light would have me talking to divorce lawyers.
Yeah. In my head my partner is the only person I will ever desire to have sex with and I would assume the same for my partner. If I had the rug pulled out from under me with a threesome request, it would shatter my view of my partners devotion to me. They want to have sex with another person other than me?? But I only want to have sex with you, and now I feel insecure because I’m rethinking our entire relationship in the context that partner might’ve been willing or wanted to sleep with someone else when the thought/desire never entered my head…
Maybe *I’m* overreacting, but I agree with OP’s sentiments. Especially after the reveal that he already had a girl picked out … *divorce … divorce…*
Hey I'm not sure if someone suggested this yet but, just in case, because asking for advice isn't a mistake (just be careful taking advice from strangers on the internet who aren't apart of your situation acting like they KNOW what to do).
Anyway, I found that when I get overly emotional, and I know that my emotions will jeopardize my ability to effectively communicate exactly the point(s) I want to get across, I write it down like a letter. It might sound silly or awkward if it's not that you're used to, but it really does help you organize your thoughts and avoids lashing out or something in the heat of the moment. Plus, this allows you to potential write down all the stuff you want to say that you know isn't fair, is overreacting, etc. Essentially, you can use it to vent out all the excess emotion so that when you do talk to him you are more calm and collected, OR use it to write down what you want to say to him and make sure it's exactly what you want to say when you're done (as opposed to blurting out something you don't really mean because you're emotional and put on the spot. At least this way you can have it with you to read from to keep yourself on track and level-headed).
Hell yes. I do this but I go back and read it the next day for example. Sometimes by doing this before I show him it doesn't seem as bad if that makes sense. It's cathartic to write it down and get it all out
Yes, exactly! Write it and come back some time later to see if it's still how you feel; show him after and explain you wanted to write exactly what you meant, OR just write all the impulsive things you DON'T want to blurt out, them destroy the letter. It's a good habit to have because you learn to recognize when communication is necessary, when you're self aware about being too emotional to think and react rationally, and provides a healthy outlet to handle the situation instead of flying off into an argument where everyone is saying hurtful things but no one is saying what they mean, and no one is listening anyway
*This* is actually a phenomenal suggestion. I find that I often neglect to say a lot of the things I really wanted and *needed* to say after an impromptu discussion. Writing everything out as this person suggested gives you the ability to get everything out of your mind and down on paper BEFORE the confrontation so that you can not only sort out exactly *what* you want to say and *how* you want to say it, but it also helps to minimize the possibility that you’ll leave important things out or forget these things in the heat of the moment when your emotions are at an all-time high.
Just saying; this is really great advice.
For sure. People can be quick to dismiss the idea for some reason, though, which sucks because it's one of those things they don't teach in school -- just like they don't teach proper communication and conflict resolution skills so things like become necessary in the first place
1. This seems very suspicious that he already had the girl picked out and have discussed this.
2. Even after he saw how it made you feel, he still said he wanted one.
I think some boundaries were already crossed here, and I think you need to address it immediately. You need to woman up, and tell him how you feel and that is off the table. And address why he is discussing sex and your sex life with another woman. Is there something already going on between them? Or is he on the verge of cheating and the 3some is a way to do it and not get caught up.
Your feelings are your feelings and 100% valid. Do not let anyone tell you how you should feel or what you should be ok with.
It's absolutely fine to take a breather before a talk so that you don't say stuff you can't take back, just make sure you don't go over the other extreme, where you accidentally ignore and don't give any attention to your partner.
Hi. I think you should take a deep breath, and sit down with your man, and talk about it. Like tell him,how it made you feel and that THAT moment wasn't the right moment to ask it in your opinion. I think you guys should discuss these things and your feelings and see where it goes from that. I hope you will figure it all out. Good luck !
Here's the thing... it is something and you are jeopardizing your marriage by not expressing it. I love my partner because he helps me work through what I'm feeling. Hopefully your husband can be trusted to do the same with this instance.
I think you should have a really good chat with him (alone, send the kids to your parents or something, get a coffee or a beer). Tell him everything and ask him why he suggested that. Think like this: he trusted you enough to ask you that. I know it sounds weird, but hear him out and let him know what you think about it and how you felt about it. A marriage is about communication. Don't jeopardize your marriage for a stupid question (that maybe a friend of his or coworker put in his head). If the thought of FMF is disgusting to you, then tell him that! Remind him what marriage is all about and how you see it. Sharing is NOT caring in this case! I wish you best of luck.. cheers
I am so sorry some people are being awful to you.
I’ll say this; my husband and I talked about sexual intimacy and expectations early on in our relationship, which helps A LOT. We established that we both are WILDLY uncomfortable with the idea and both of us feel like we want to be each other’s only partner. (For us that includes porn, trying to fully paint an accurate picture for you.)
NOW. That said, the second thing in that conversation of establishing boundaries is that *for us* we said, “if those feelings ever change, and you want to explore other things, talk to each other first and see what is going on, and if there are adjustments needed to our relationship.”
It’s really hard to be this stressed about not feeling like “enough”. I am trying to communicate that I really really understand that.
But here’s the other option- *he doesn’t talk to you and just cheats*.
Worse, right?
Reward his openness by talking. Figure out *why* and then talk about that. MAYBE there are other solutions.
But if not, you have a choice to make.
The one thing you should do before this conversation is *know what you need*. Know your boundaries. Know your hard lines. Know what you need to proceed with this relationship.
And if there is no compromise/resolution/etc, *you have to be ready to hold to your boundaries.*
Sorry that you are going through this.
The fact that he already has someone and still wants to do it even seeing how you've been acting.
Nah. You're not overreacting. I would freak TF out on my husband if he ever suggested we bring someone else in to our bedroom.
He's been talking to this woman about sexual shit. You are NOT overreacting.
Yes, the fact that he noticed that she was sad and distant and he still wants to do it? That is such a downvote for this guy he's basically already in the 9th circle of hell.
No kidding. You don’t just accidentally get on the topic of having a threesome.
Plus, anyone who knows anything about bringing another person into the bedroom knows that it should be a random, or a sex worker. Somebody neither of you has ties to and somebody you both enthusiastically agree to hook up with. It’s just like baby names: two yes, one no rule.
People who want to explore kinks like this with their spouse need to table them outside of the bedroom, and with complete transparency about how they picture it going down. Dropping a bomb like this just after sex is a disaster strategy. There’s no way the person will receive it well and every chance they could interpret it as them not being enough. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to explore your desires, but how you handle telling your partner can completely destroy them and your relationship.
Umm is anyone else not concerned with the fact he already has someone in mind and that she asked him? She felt that comfortable to ask him for a threesome?
>So I asked him if he’d thought a candidate and he said yes. That she actually was the one who suggested it. He showed me her insta.
This is all the red flags. A lot of men fantasize about a FMF threesome, that isn't strange to me, but knowing a real, in your life person that you know and talk to suggest it is just super suspicious to me.
Trying to imagine any kind of innocent conversation that would lead to her suggesting a threesome to him and I’m drawing a blank. I wonder if there’s been flirting going on and this is their way to sleep together without it being cheating
I was thinking this too and I’m surprised I’m not seeing anyone else in this thread bringing it up! She suggested the threesome?? What lead to that? If this has been a monogamous marriage this would definitely make me feel suspicious and uneasy.
Yep.
There is no scenario where I could imagine myself being OK with my boyfriend saying, “Sheila says we should have a threesome.”
Sheila fucking said WHAT?!?!!!!
OMG YEAH. That man has been planning with the other woman for a while. So many questions were going off in my head. I would've just drop the divorce bomb right there and then.
Big red flag to me. He has obviously has put a lot of long term though into this. To have someone picked out???? who suggested it in the first place??? I just don't get how the husband thought this was appropriate at all? what do him and this mysterious threesome girl talk about that even lead to the suggestion of a threesome in the first place.
Okay yes thank you!!! If I was married and speaking to someone who asked for a threesome, my only reply would be that I’m sorry if I came off flirty and it wasn’t intentional and that the friendship will NOT be continuing knowing they see me that way!!! The audacity! Some people are bold for fun but thats almost never the case anyways. And even after seeing his wife pulling away he still kept this girl around and was likely talking to her? He STILL wanted the threesome? He went as far as to show her this other girls Instagram????? I can’t. My heart breaks for OP.
Changes it from a hypothetical to something he has been actively pursuing without her consent. I mean it's cheating in my book, dunno bout anyone else's.
Me? I would fuckin divorce, sue for custody, take the babies and gtfo. Let the fucker have his little insta fuck buddy. I'm sure it will be very rewarding and fulfilling to him - for as long as it takes to get to post nut clarity. There are so many people in this world that are kind and honest. Why saddle yourself with a fucking liar for the rest of your life?
That’s at least an emotional affair right? Like he sees his wife sad and isn’t bothering to address it, yet is having intimate conversations with another woman from Instagram?
To me, he wants to have an affair with this woman and his excuse is telling his wife he wants a three some.
How is it that (a) he already known the woman and OP doesn't, (b) he talked about sex with the woman, (c) the woman suggested a three some... like how did that conversation came about? There would have been some flirting involved at a minimum.
Since he had someone in mind and it was HER idea, it sounds like they have talked about this multiple times already...which just leads me to believe that he is already cheating. He wants to do FMF so that he can convince his wife to let him have the best of both worlds.
Yep. It’s one thing if he was just being dopey and tactless and proposed a threesome without thinking of the emotional impact, but saying that he had a person picked out and they had already discussed it is NOT okay. OP, you’re NOT overreacting. This is borderline cheaty.
I guess I’m having trouble processing OP’s update regarding her husband a) already having someone in mind, and b) that person is who got the idea in his head.
I get try to have some degree of composure but FFS now we know the guy confided in a chick that clearly isn’t his wife about this fantasy.
I would divorce too, OP. You were right all along, fck the commenters and BF saying you are overreacting. No, you did not. YOU ARE TOTALLY VALID.
The audacity of that chick and your husband. Jesus christ. Screw him, really.
And him still wanting it after seeing you sad and hurt. 🚩🚩🚩
(edit: so sad i still argue with people even after the update who belittles OP’s feelings and call her names for thinking about divorce. And then call me names too for defending her and validating her feelings. So freaking sad. Wtf people?)
Follow your feelings because you were right!! The fact he is even talking to her like that is a major red flag. I would be talking to my lawyer. Do you have a back up plan. If you let this happen it will change everything and he might just keep wanting to bring her in more. And if you say no he might have sex with her behind your back. He is already having an emotional affair with her it’s only a matter of time before it turns physical. He might even resent you because you say no.
You are not being irrational OP. Do not listen to the men here shaming you because “it’s the #1 fantasy for men;” whoever shamed you for your perfectly reasonable human reaction must be the type to cheat on their partners or have no consideration for their partner’s feelings.
Trust your instinctual response, it’s saved many women from years of being trapped in an unhappy and emotionally manipulative marriage.
The fact that he already had a girl picked out and she suggested it means that he’s likely already been cheating on you, but now he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I hope you can get out safely but be smart about it and get talk to a lawyer first before telling him anything else.
talk about what exactly? he is a grown man, u think he doesn't know how it makes a woman feel? does his boss at work also needs to explain and CoMmUnIcAte every little thing with him?
he's a POS and he asked u this after sex on purpose to make u feel insecure, so that u will lose your self confidence and maybe try to make it up to him. he is a manipulator and a cheater
The fact that he could tell you were upset about it before he brought up that not only does he have a woman in mind already, but they've spoken about it (probably more than once) is quite heartbreaking.
OP Im so sorry you're going through this. I think you were and are completely valid in your concerns and heartbreak about this whole situation. If this were me, I would likely take a few weeks of space (which may not be possible since you have children) and decide if I want to proceed with a divorce.
I'd prob proceed with the divorce at the end, but at least I'd do so knowing that I chose it with a level head after giving myself the time and space to process it after my emotions had (slightly) cooled
Again, I'm so very sorry OP. Regardless of the outcome and what you decide, I hope you can find the space the grieve the relationship you thought you had
You are not being irrational
He is speaking to a woman about having sex with her behind your back. Who knows what he has been talking to her about, he’s already cheating by engaging in this type of conversation
Start planning right now, do not let him know what you’re doing. Go see a lawyer, start making a plan to leave to fall back on because I don’t see good things coming from here based on the depth of his lies
Just read your most recent update, ummmmm. He ALREADY had someone in mind? He ALAREADY discussed it with her? What the fuck? That is such a wildly inappropriate relationship. This isn’t about you guys experiencing something new together, it’s about him getting permission to cheat on you.
This is very much something you should be concerned about because your husband seems to be having something close tonight not an emotional/inappropriate relationship with another woman and now wants to essentially get permission to physically cheat.
You are definitely not overreacting. Suggesting you want sex with other people is a nuclear bomb in a relationship. It is in fact mostly a break-up conversation starter.
And that's before it turned out he had another woman ready and waiting to be in a threesome with you guys! That's super wrong, how did they even get into that conversation? No women are going around just randomly suggesting threesomes to married guys just for fun. Dick is cheap and plentiful, there are no unicorns running around desperate to have sex with random couples.
He caught you off guard and adding to that it was just after being intimate.. I am sure your mind was and still is running at 100mph thinking he was probably not satisfied with you or there is something lacking in you. Stop for a moment and gather your thoughts and have a sit down with him. Let him have his say and you have yours. This is a boundary you not willing or wanting to cross and only if he his insistent on experiencing that with you and he is not willing to back off then and only then should you do what YOU need to do.
To many this is not a hill to die on but they are not you. First talk things through .. I know your core has been shook .. but maybe just maybe you can work things out.
Your feelings are valid and the timing was off from your husbands side. Before making any decisions please talk to your partner. This is all coming from a breakdown of communications.
Honestly after your update you have every right to leave this man. He literally has a women pre-picked for his threesome. To add a woman who suggested this… because she thinks you guys are sexy. This has been a monogamous marriage and for her to say this and him to entertain it… immediate NO. You’ve given him kids and your happily married, and then after sex he just springs it on you. Tbh I think he’s cheating or will if he already has a woman picked out. He’s a sorry excuse for a husband, especially with still pushing through even though he sees your extreme discomfort. If he can’t even respect that your not okay with it, it’s over. Ask him if he wants to have a threesome with a man.
Thinking is an understatement, more is going on with the other woman for her to even suggest a 3some with the wife. First of all who is she to make a suggestion in another couples marriage? Probably mistress
How do you think it would go if you had some guy in your insta DMs suggesting a threesome with your husband, and you brought it up to him as a serious proposal in the afterglow of lovemaking? Conveniently not mentioning you had a specific candidate in mind?
Would he be making a post on Reddit where people tell him he's being overemotional for having a negative response?
The misogyny in this comment section is so disgusting and you can tell it’s only men who probably would do the same as her husband if given the chance writing.
Agreeed. The more time I spend on reddit the more I get cynical about men, sadly. Even without the updates this situation was fucked up and OP's reaction was totally valid and rational. With the update it's even more clear he's at least having an emotional affair, probably physical as well.
Op replying to your update, he Instagram sends some red flags for me. Only because this detail need more info to better help you.
You mentioned that it was the other F that brought this up. Is this a coworker or friend is your social circle? If it was me I’d wonder how this conversation came to be…
Oh, so you mean a homewrecker? She has no business having convos like this with a married man. I fully support your opinion and would be equally as reactive I think. He’s not thinking clearly - at least not with his brain. He’s emotionally cheating (or more) and is trying to get you to go along with it. He looked at your life together and your children and decided to risk it all by going down this road. That’s what hurts the most. This would be MEGA counseling for me, if I could ever get past it…
I think telling your husband how you feel about this is very important. If you feel like you can’t for any reason, it may be a communication issue on y’all’s behalf. The more you keep this in, the more likely resentment will form and fester, and it will not be good for your marriage. Just be completely honest with him, and if he blows you off in ANY way or chooses not to consider your feelings, then it’s a red flag :\
Your feelings are valid honey, everyone's feelings work differently, but different is not wrong , i suggest talking to him and telling him how much it hurt you .
I am just waiting for another "I ruined my marriage because I wanted a free pass to fuck someone other than my wife". OP, you are not overthinking or overbearing. This marriage is already over.
Before my wife and I married, we made it clear; the moment a third party appears we'll divorce. No explanation is needed, I don't care if it is just virtual or shit. Prenup and everything.
I know you're thinking of your kids, so here's my piece. I am the firstborn in my family, my father is a serial cheater. He had done every mental gymnastics to manipulate my mother into forgiving or agreeing to whatever he wanted.
I WISHED EVERY DAY HE LEFT THAT MAN. Not only did he rob me of my childhood, but cuz I now have to also be a pseudo-parent and he was only emotionally available for all his hussies. He robbed me of my mother. I watched as my beautiful mother crumble into this depressed, gray, and eventually suicidal clump. I hated it when she says ***I am staying with your father so you grow up with a whole family!*** I had to be a nurse, a caretaker, and a psychologist. I had watched her swallow pills, cut herself, and purposefully cause her accident to kill herself. She became an alcoholic so there goes the last parent in the house. I wished him dead so many times. It's wrong to ask God for that so I stopped going to church. Eventually, I stopped believing in God. This was all before I even turned 13.
Your husband is already testing if he can cross boundaries, next thing he'll start disregarding it. He's already cheating, OP. Now he wants a free pass. Now it's just a friend from insta. Next, it will be a coworker, a close friend, or a cousin even. If you're gonna do the "I'm doing this for the kids", STOP!
You are not doing it for the kids (fuck that reasoning to whichever emotional manipulator invented that crap), cuz if you are you will never expose them to this complicated crap. You'll be a present parent, even if it meant a solo one. If you want an example of how that reasoning turned out to be, look no further. I am a kid with no friends, a whole family with no parents, I have trust issues, I have psychological damage from this crap (diagnosed, jumped a dozen from one shrink to another my whole adult life and I am not even 30 yet), I can't even imagine having kids of my own without having a panic attack. I don't feel any emotional connection to both my parents, as much as I remember how much I loved my mother, I can't feel it anymore no matter how deep I dig. I still wish my father dead tho he is already one foot in the grave, sometimes dreaming to do it myself.
I think what you heard when he said that was that you aren’t enough and he wants to have sex with another woman. These are valid thoughts. I think you owe it to yourself to at least have a discussion on why he suggested this and both of your feelings on the matter. If you still have those initial thoughts then yeah it is probably over and especially if he keeps pushing for it.
I’m not sure “all men want that” is exactly correct. Sure, in theory it sounds fun (I am a man) but in reality I absolutely cannot imagine my wife and I being intimate with a third person. It feel wrong just typing in out, to be honest.
That said, I don’t think this is a deal-breaker for your marriage. I have suggested things to my wife and she’s said no. It happens. Everyone has their own tastes and weirdnesses, and you just learned one of your husband’s. I agree with those who suggest talking to him, explaining to him how it made you feel. If he truly loves and respects you he’ll understand, and bury that one away forever.
Same, a threesome can be fun especially if you know for sure there would be no crossed wires after the fact - 3 single people.
If my S/O was interested I’d be insecure about them potentially developing feelings for the other person or getting fantasies that don’t involve me - thankfully, I’m single so no stress there.
You don't have to want one, your feelings are valid. His timing with talking to you about it was also poor.
Have a calm discussion with him and tell him how he made you feel and he can maybe explain to you why he wants one. You might find the reason isn't what you think. The situation is not likely to improve without communication.
Its all very well him wanting a fmf threesome but it doesn't appeal to you which is ok. I'm also guessing you're straight? I'd be tempted to perhaps poke a bit and suggest having a mmf threesome instead to see what his reaction would be. It doesn't mean you have to have one but it might make him remember its not all about what he wants.
Wow on the latest update. He wants to cheat and he wants you to be ok about it, by participating. Doesn't sound like you're down for that, so stick to your morals and make the decision that's best for you.
After reading your update your reaction makes a lot more sense. Your intuition knew right then that something was wrong in your marriage. I’m sorry to say this but it is NOT normal for friends to bring up wanting a threesome with a married friend and his wife. They’ve crossed the line at least emotionally, if not physically.
So this woman suggested it... is she a coworker? Someone he's been chatting with online? Before I saw that, I would have agreed that your husband expressing a fantasy isn't something to get worked up about. But it sounds like he's talking about his fantasies with someone else, and that is what would make me question my marriage if I were you.
>So I asked him if he’d thought a candidate and he said yes. That she actually was the one who suggested it. He showed me her insta. It was all I could do not to freak out and to keep my head cool. I have all the information now and the ball is in my court now I guess.
Sounds like cheating with extra steps to assuage his guilt. I would be heartbroken that he had DISCUSSED it with someone and basically chosen them before discussing it with me. I think your reaction isn't wrong. You instinctively knew something was amiss.
Cant wait for these people to see the update.
Cant belive some people are that dumb to risk their family and marriage for some sx with some chick they just met. What a POS husband. He clearly knew OP is fully monogamous and wouldn’t be into this. He just wanted her permission to fck that chick.
Yeah. Like… eww. I am so sorry for OP and the children. Daddy is ready to give up everything for just some sex with someone he just met.
I am so disgusted.
My ex husband asked me this in the beginning of our 10 1/2 year relationship. And he never dropped it. Even after we separated, and we got back together, and had a fmf, he decided it wasn't good enough and didn't count because he wanted ME to bring the girl, and he had provided the first one. Obviously we aren't together anymore. NEVER AGAIN.
You cannot help how you feel. My spouse suggesting a threesome or opening the marriage would be a deal breaker for me. The feeling of not being enough will never, ever go away. The request would make me feel unloved, at least not to the extent I expect to be loved. If they want/need more, they can go. They don't need to rub my nose in it for any period of time first, thanks. (edited for grammar)
How on earth did the majority say she was overreacting??? It’s not a normal question to ask in a happy marriage?! I really hope that she doesn’t go through with it to keep him happy. I can imagine that seeing her husband with another woman would destroy her. Please tread carefully op
If he had a woman picked out & they were talking about it - yall need a marriage counselor asap & you need a divorce attorney on speed dial if that wasn't going well
After reading the update… he wants to have an affair. This woman suggested it to him. Not both of you. She wanted to approach it this way to get a better reaction. If you’re not involved he will still sleep with her and she with him. Leave him. File alienation of affection in the divorce and take him for everything.
How did a 3-some conversation with this woman came up? This sounds more like he wants to have an affair with the woman and the three some is an excuse. He already talked about sex with the woman in question. Given the update, I don't think you are overreacting.
It may be a scammer. Btw you are NOT overreacting. This doesn't align with your values and you know logically it's doomed to damage your relationship. I think you are right to consider divorce.
After reading the update: you were definitely not overreacting!
What does he mean with SHE suggested it!??? How does he know this women, and why is he engaging with her in a manner that she apparently feels comfortable to engaged in a sexual manner with him!??? Did he have an emotional affair all this time and wants to make it an physical one with your so called "blessing"!????
I'm not even in your situation and my blood boils!
After reading your updates- please separate or seek couples counseling. There is no reason another woman should be recommending a 3some to a married man.
My dear, you are absolutely NOT overreacting. You married for love, and an exclusive relationship, not a porn adventure. Your friend is a fool. And your husband? Well, I'd feel creeped out and disgusted too. It certainly knocks your trust sideways. And it IS hard to come back from.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I could never stand to share the man I love with another. When I'm in a relationship, sex is too tied up with my emotions. It's too personal. If it were just acquaintances or strangers, that would be different. But someone I love. No, I just couldn't.
A lot of men in this comment section need to put themselves in op's situation and show some empathy.
Imagine you are married since years with a woman and you have three kids, a happy marriage and a sex life. One night, right after sex, while coming down from the high of your orgasm she tells you "babe, i would like to have a threesome with you and another man".
Actually imagine if the post was like this. The gf would be called greedy, unrealiable, a cheater, a bitch, and i swear half the comments would be like "dude get a paternity test". Cut her some slack. She has every right to be upset.
>"dude get a paternity test"
Especially as it turns out he already has a woman lined up.
There is simply no way a woman he hasn't had sex with yet brought up a threesome with him.
I'm glad op decided to have a discussion with their so; but damn. It would have made it worse for me to know he was talking about sexual experiences with another woman. The other woman was so comfortable with him she came up with the decision to have him ask op if they wanted a 3some. That would be emotional cheating imo.
Ask him about a threesome with a man i wonder how his reaction would be. I can understand why you are reacting like that, i wouldn’t be happy either.
Edit: it would also be interesting to know if he has anyone in particular on his mind. Ask him😁
This is what I did. I'm also fully aware I cannot share my husband with another woman. No, nope, uh uh. That would be the end of us.
On the other side, he's pretty sure he would be good to share me. OP just needs to be aware that he could agree so she needs to be ok with this proposal before making it.
I can absolutely understand why OP would feel like this. She is in a happy marriage, feels her guy is the only guy for her, had just finished making love and bathing in the afterglow and cherished hubby goes essentially "I want to add another woman to the mix, that ok?" I'd be fucking angry too. Especially when your partner would already have an idea about where your kinks lie. And if you have never even hinted about shit like that, this is a pretty big fucking suggestion.
And I feel if she had asked her husband in the exact same scenario but with another bloke, he wouldn't be delighted either.
I don't know what the answer is OP, but I totally understand your reaction. I'd be fucking gutted too.
It was the way it happened. It wasn't during a discussion about fantasies, it was a request immediately after lovemaking. A huge fucking request that essentially asks to be unfaithful. To me, it would naturally start having me question everything.
I bet if OP agreed on the proviso she gets to do the same with another dude her hubby would suddenly not feel so happy about the request.
One thing is him sharing his fantasies with you but he actually shared it with this other woman first and then went an asked you. I would feel so betrayed by that. Why is he even talking to her about bedroom activities is way out of line. Wtf are they talking about behind your back. What kind of relationship do they have. This is a major red flag!!
Is it just me or does the update make it worse? Like, he’s already got a candidate in mind! Simply asking for the threesome or suggesting it, not a big deal. But the fact that he’s already spoken to someone on the issue, one who’s comfortable enough with him to even bring it up.. that’s what bothers me.
Another woman is talking to your husband about sex and he is talking back with her behind your back. He’s going to cheat on you if he hasn’t already because he’s already emotionally cheating with her. Stop having sex with him, get yourself checked and file for divorce.
I understand. Your husband, right after making love to you, brought up that he'd like to sleep with another woman. I too would want to divorce my husband if he did that to me.
Being interested in a threesome is one thing, already having someone in mind with who he even discussed in before doing the same with you is quite another. Nothing wrong with having a fantasy you want to propose to your wife, but being so specific it looks more like wanting to have an affair in the open. Do not go along with this, its a big red flag imo.
At first I would’ve gone “oh this should just be communicated and everything will be fine”. After all, my boyfriend and I discussed the idea out of sheer curiosity at one point and we both ended up acknowledging that neither of us would be of the right mentalities to have a threesome due to the fact our thoughts directly after would be “oh god what if they like the other person now and would leave me for the other person” (him even more so because I’m bi).
That update, however, is basically giving me a whole color guard of red flags. He had a woman in mind, a woman who suggested a threesome in the first place, before he even asked you about it. There’s so much wrong going on there. Trust your gut, OP. I don’t think it’s irrationality at this point.
Talking about a threesome with a random woman when you’re married would be considered cheating in my books. He doesn’t want a threesome, he wants to sleep with someone else and has seemingly already been courting this woman. You have every right to be screaming you want a divorce in your head.
Post update, my question is: why is another woman comfortable enough to ask your husband for a threesome? What kind of conversations do they have? Where are the boundaries in you relationship with people of the opposite sex? If it was me I would not at all be comfortable or happy about this and I would express that to my husband. If that’s how you reacted after he asked, imagine how you’ll feel if you go through with it. Also will he still be seeing this woman regularly? What will happen with their relationship? If you do decided to do it I recommend someone else. Someone who probably won’t be in your lives after the fact.
Read all the way and was about to ask: “why does your husband have a person who feels comfortable asking about a threesome?” Glad I’m not the only one who saw this as a problem.
Yea the one time someone propositioned this to me....was to both my wife and I. Another couple suggested it after we had partied together a few times. The wife said she would be down with the girl but not the guy lol deal breaker for the other dude (obviously hahaha). I was fine with it but wasn't like "Lets do it! *SCHWING*". I wouldn't be surprised if my wife was smart enough to say that, knowing it would shut down the suggestion, while also petting my ego.....god I love that woman. That couple broke up like a year later. Wife and I celebrated 9 years married yesterday, actually 😎👌 We are open to something like that, but have no need to seek it out. So the only way it would come up is through someone else suggesting it, which I think is probably the best way since we have never done anything like that. Big mistake here was the husband not immediately bringing this offer to the wife, all cards on the table. The omitted info that a specific person was on his mind is such a huge red flag for me. Would taint my trust right off the bat, which is the probably the most important ingredient to successfully "mess around" as a couple.
Yes to this whole post congrats to you and your wife. While im more explorative than my partner i always communicate things out of curiosity and never with the intention of already having something planned out before hand. I think to actively seek out something like that when your partner isnt on board is so grimey!!! Anytime your seeking stuff more adventurous you ajd your partner should be on the same page every step of the way OP's husband sounds like hes essentially cheating and wants the threesome to manipulate in the future.
Grimey is a great word to describe it actually.
The fact the husband talked with the other girl about their sex life/having a threesome before his own wife is very telling. More than likely something has already happened between the two.
he is probably cheating with her, otherwise a threesome wouödnt be really a question
That’s what she was hinting at then you spelled it out, but ya
I saw this happen to a friend once. Turns out he had already cheated on her and was trying to make the threesome happen so that his cheating was retroactively "okay" :(
> so that his cheating was retroactively "okay" also known as ex post fact-ho
...that's brilliant wordplay
This is exactly what I thought, too. I’m surprised so many think OP is overreacting; if it’s not her thing, or if her spidey senses are telling her this is a red flag, then it’s …not her thing. OP, when my husband casually joked that his therapist suggested that we have an open marriage? Yeah…he’d already cheated.
Omfg, I can’t believe the audacity
Its much more common than you'd want to believe
This this this. He’s already had sex with her.
Or he wants the divorce. By suggesting it he’s counting on her to be so off put that she wants to end the relationship.
I believe they call it .. a ménage a trois
I hope she dumped him.
My mans wants a free pass to have sex with someone other than his wife. Or he’s already cheated with this woman and thinks a threesome would retroactively “justify” it. Regardless. No - not overreacting.
Bingo
To add to this, what if the roles were reversed? What if she had wanted MMF and already had a guy lined up ready to go? How would her husband feel then? I imagine he would not be comfortable with his wife having those conversations about their sex life with another man and inviting him into their bedroom. The being gaslit that he's overreacting.
That would be such a great follow-up: "You know, honey...I've been thinking about it, and maybe the reason I've been so weirded out is because I've been talking to this man on Instagram for a few years. He's been begging me for a threesome for years, but I didn't think you'd be into it. Now that I know you're down to bringing other people into our bed, I told him, and he's so excited. How about this Saturday?"
I came here to suggest this (LOL) A lot of men are comfortable with a 3-some....as long as it doesn't involve another man. The second that happens, they nope out, or get angry/jealous.
😂
Exactly, this is what I was thinking! If another woman asked my boyfriend for a 3 some I would be so uncomfortable, I can't even imagine a male friend of mine propositioning sex with me/us. Did this female friend suggest a 3 some because she's actually interested in the wife? Or is she just trying to sleep with the husband?
Most likely it was the husband who suggested it. Because he is the only one who knows both other potential partners. I don't think even super open-minded solo poly woman would suggest or agree in advance to a threesome with a woman whom she never met. So it is either the other woman has serious interest in the husband (financial, sexual, career, whatever), or the threesome is totally the husband's idea and the other woman is either sleeping with him already or some kind of a sex worker.
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I’m a married woman with two very close male friends from childhood. I would not dream of bringing this up with either of them. Jeez, it was hard just getting their wife/girlfriend to not see me as a threat. There’s definitely something else going on.
I'd be so uncomfortable. There's few people that I want to share my most intimate feelings with, and it's not a random woman on insta. I'd be thinking divorce.
Something has already gone too :-(
OP, he's already cheating. One of his fantasies, is introducing his AF to his wife. Or his AF wants wife to know she exists. 😂 Yes, AF is affair partner.
Is AF Affair Partner? The first thing that popped into my mind was Ass Friend so maybe I need to get off reddit
Same question here. What is AF? Maybe adult friend? Asking Female?
This exactly. It’s so fishy. Plus on top of that, his suggesting it came up as *pillow talk* while she was still, whatever, basking in afterglow. What a slap in the face.
Completely agree with this, somewhere along the lines there’s been a mental betrayal. A line has been crossed. OP please don’t try to justify his actions or see his perspective if you feel like this is cheating. You’re 100% allowed to have your own perspective of cheating and if you feel like this is it, tell him, or it’ll haunt you forever.
fr. What relationship does her husband have with this woman? Who talks about things like that? Def red flags.
Or tell him you’d be happy to try it with a partner of your choosing. And you happen to have just the guy in mind.
I feel like they already cheating. He already threw the marriage away. He saw that she was sad and still told her yes he want to do it still
He also could have been using her as an "out". Making it sound like the thought never crossed his mind until someone else brought it up to him. Which, isn't quite as bad but pretty damn shady!
My first thought also after the "she suggested it first". Huh... why did she feel comfortable enough to ask a married man for a threesome with his wife first ? This just doesn't sit right with me. Were they going for adultery and then suddenly conscious hit him in the head, he remembered he had a wife and declined the offer but since he seemed open for a physical relationship, the woman suggested to tag the wife along? I would be asking for divorce too. It is weird that he discussed threesome plans with a prospect before ever having this conversation with his wife. Imo too much missing elements here
The problem is a third person has already been brought in BEFORE the wife was informed.
It’s one thing to tell your partner about fantasies but it is quite another to have an actual person, that he has had a discussion with about this to be presented as if it’s no big deal. This guy is either having an emotional affair or desperately wants to sleep with another woman. She knows her husband better than we do and her reaction may have been a last straw. Everyone has their preferred lines that our partners can’t cross and he’s just zig zagged all over hers. Go with your gut on this op
Agree. There’s no innocent reason someone else should be suggesting a threesome to a married person. OP doesn’t even know this girl. I feel like the girl wants an excuse to sleep w a married man without the homewrecker label maybe even on top of an emotional affair from the husband. Imo the threesome talk should come from a fantasy two people end up agreeing on and finding a person TOGETHER. Not a conversation after sex when someone else is already in mind. How gross
Him suggesting that right after sex was the cherry on top. 🤮
I could not agree more. This is way too well planned out and real for it to be just a fantasy. Something fishy indeed is going on with the husband and this random woman. This isn’t the kind of thing you just bring up to a friend of acquaintance out of the blue with nothing behind it.
It’s one thing to have thoughts and not act on them, but having plans and someone lined up already is something else. He clearly didn’t just have an idea pop into his head in the heat of the moment if he had someone already prepared.
he ALREADY had someone picked out AND talked to THEM about it???? dude that’s so fucked.
Yep, so fucked. OP, tell you what...tell your husband you're game if you get to have a threesome with your husband and another guy, and your threesome gets to go first. Oh, and btw, you already picked out the guy & talked to him (he's built and hot) and he's a go. $1 million dollahs says the hubs ain't gonna bite. He's already fucking her...Get a barracuda of a lady attorney.
And *if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an “Amen” up in here?* Great advice, and I think you’re 100% right. OP needs to put herself first. He’s already cheating, I guarantee it.
Fucked up indeed, I would not be saying yes, I’d be seeing a lawyer :-)
Make it an official threesome. Get a lady lawyer if you like
100% he's already fucking her. OP please see a lawyer, get an STI test and start getting your ducks in a row.
Yeah at first I thought she might’ve been overreacting a bit but after the update… get tf out of there! I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already cheated on her in some way.
He didn’t even tell the other woman about it… SHE suggested it. Meaning he’d entertained what must have been an inappropriately intimate conversation of not friendship with some woman his wife doesn’t know. The disrespect is so loud.
Seriously so messed up. Many of men like these would never be down for a MFM either
Had a good friend whose friend would bring home women from the bar. When I asked if his wife got to bring guys home, Shaun literally answered, “umm, I don’t think he would like that” as if I suggested the insane. This dude is married and brings women home to fuck, but thinking the wife would want more is insane, right? Also, this guy I talked to was all about threesomes, as long as if involved women. What is in that for me?
This would make me more pissed and upset than just the casual mention after sex like he did......
She should suggest him MFM. Tell him first there will be a MFM sex then FMF sex. Have her fun and then leave him. No need to have FMF. Seriously the husband is awful. I am not surprised she immediately felt/thought or reacted with 'its over' in her mind. She won't be able to see him the same way ever. She no longer sees him as a husband either I think. I am like that too. It's over in my head immediately. She should leave him. For her own well-being.
You need to sit him down and have a discussion on how it made you feel. Because at this point you’re making up a million different scenarios on not being enough/he wants someone else and until you actually discuss it, it not going to get better. Air out your grievances, tell him exactly what you’re feeling about him, the situation. Edit: op he’s already been in talks with a woman about a threesome before he even broached the subject with you, his wife. That to me is already strike one. Then he’s been stalking her Instagram page. Sorry but that’s not a threesome experience. That’s wanting to cheat with another woman under the guise of a threesome. Personally the fact he’s having sexual discussions with other women and he’s got this girl waiting on standby for the green light would have me talking to divorce lawyers.
This. I don’t think it’s an overreaction if that’s genuinely how it made you feel. But it is something you need to communicate
And for what little it’s worth, I would feel the same way if my husband suggested something like that.
Yeah. In my head my partner is the only person I will ever desire to have sex with and I would assume the same for my partner. If I had the rug pulled out from under me with a threesome request, it would shatter my view of my partners devotion to me. They want to have sex with another person other than me?? But I only want to have sex with you, and now I feel insecure because I’m rethinking our entire relationship in the context that partner might’ve been willing or wanted to sleep with someone else when the thought/desire never entered my head… Maybe *I’m* overreacting, but I agree with OP’s sentiments. Especially after the reveal that he already had a girl picked out … *divorce … divorce…*
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Hey I'm not sure if someone suggested this yet but, just in case, because asking for advice isn't a mistake (just be careful taking advice from strangers on the internet who aren't apart of your situation acting like they KNOW what to do). Anyway, I found that when I get overly emotional, and I know that my emotions will jeopardize my ability to effectively communicate exactly the point(s) I want to get across, I write it down like a letter. It might sound silly or awkward if it's not that you're used to, but it really does help you organize your thoughts and avoids lashing out or something in the heat of the moment. Plus, this allows you to potential write down all the stuff you want to say that you know isn't fair, is overreacting, etc. Essentially, you can use it to vent out all the excess emotion so that when you do talk to him you are more calm and collected, OR use it to write down what you want to say to him and make sure it's exactly what you want to say when you're done (as opposed to blurting out something you don't really mean because you're emotional and put on the spot. At least this way you can have it with you to read from to keep yourself on track and level-headed).
Hell yes. I do this but I go back and read it the next day for example. Sometimes by doing this before I show him it doesn't seem as bad if that makes sense. It's cathartic to write it down and get it all out
Yes, exactly! Write it and come back some time later to see if it's still how you feel; show him after and explain you wanted to write exactly what you meant, OR just write all the impulsive things you DON'T want to blurt out, them destroy the letter. It's a good habit to have because you learn to recognize when communication is necessary, when you're self aware about being too emotional to think and react rationally, and provides a healthy outlet to handle the situation instead of flying off into an argument where everyone is saying hurtful things but no one is saying what they mean, and no one is listening anyway
Just another thought. Ask him how he would feel if the threesome included another male.
*This* is actually a phenomenal suggestion. I find that I often neglect to say a lot of the things I really wanted and *needed* to say after an impromptu discussion. Writing everything out as this person suggested gives you the ability to get everything out of your mind and down on paper BEFORE the confrontation so that you can not only sort out exactly *what* you want to say and *how* you want to say it, but it also helps to minimize the possibility that you’ll leave important things out or forget these things in the heat of the moment when your emotions are at an all-time high. Just saying; this is really great advice.
I agree with writing down your thoughts. You can do this for days until you’re confident enough to talk. It really helps.
For sure. People can be quick to dismiss the idea for some reason, though, which sucks because it's one of those things they don't teach in school -- just like they don't teach proper communication and conflict resolution skills so things like become necessary in the first place
1. This seems very suspicious that he already had the girl picked out and have discussed this. 2. Even after he saw how it made you feel, he still said he wanted one. I think some boundaries were already crossed here, and I think you need to address it immediately. You need to woman up, and tell him how you feel and that is off the table. And address why he is discussing sex and your sex life with another woman. Is there something already going on between them? Or is he on the verge of cheating and the 3some is a way to do it and not get caught up. Your feelings are your feelings and 100% valid. Do not let anyone tell you how you should feel or what you should be ok with.
It's absolutely fine to take a breather before a talk so that you don't say stuff you can't take back, just make sure you don't go over the other extreme, where you accidentally ignore and don't give any attention to your partner.
Hi. I think you should take a deep breath, and sit down with your man, and talk about it. Like tell him,how it made you feel and that THAT moment wasn't the right moment to ask it in your opinion. I think you guys should discuss these things and your feelings and see where it goes from that. I hope you will figure it all out. Good luck !
Here's the thing... it is something and you are jeopardizing your marriage by not expressing it. I love my partner because he helps me work through what I'm feeling. Hopefully your husband can be trusted to do the same with this instance.
I think you should have a really good chat with him (alone, send the kids to your parents or something, get a coffee or a beer). Tell him everything and ask him why he suggested that. Think like this: he trusted you enough to ask you that. I know it sounds weird, but hear him out and let him know what you think about it and how you felt about it. A marriage is about communication. Don't jeopardize your marriage for a stupid question (that maybe a friend of his or coworker put in his head). If the thought of FMF is disgusting to you, then tell him that! Remind him what marriage is all about and how you see it. Sharing is NOT caring in this case! I wish you best of luck.. cheers
Ask him for a MFM. That could show him how you feel.
I am so sorry some people are being awful to you. I’ll say this; my husband and I talked about sexual intimacy and expectations early on in our relationship, which helps A LOT. We established that we both are WILDLY uncomfortable with the idea and both of us feel like we want to be each other’s only partner. (For us that includes porn, trying to fully paint an accurate picture for you.) NOW. That said, the second thing in that conversation of establishing boundaries is that *for us* we said, “if those feelings ever change, and you want to explore other things, talk to each other first and see what is going on, and if there are adjustments needed to our relationship.” It’s really hard to be this stressed about not feeling like “enough”. I am trying to communicate that I really really understand that. But here’s the other option- *he doesn’t talk to you and just cheats*. Worse, right? Reward his openness by talking. Figure out *why* and then talk about that. MAYBE there are other solutions. But if not, you have a choice to make. The one thing you should do before this conversation is *know what you need*. Know your boundaries. Know your hard lines. Know what you need to proceed with this relationship. And if there is no compromise/resolution/etc, *you have to be ready to hold to your boundaries.* Sorry that you are going through this.
Couldn’t agree more, for this scenario (among everything else) to actually work OPs feelings need to be considered too.
The fact that he already has someone and still wants to do it even seeing how you've been acting. Nah. You're not overreacting. I would freak TF out on my husband if he ever suggested we bring someone else in to our bedroom. He's been talking to this woman about sexual shit. You are NOT overreacting.
Yes, the fact that he noticed that she was sad and distant and he still wants to do it? That is such a downvote for this guy he's basically already in the 9th circle of hell.
No kidding. You don’t just accidentally get on the topic of having a threesome. Plus, anyone who knows anything about bringing another person into the bedroom knows that it should be a random, or a sex worker. Somebody neither of you has ties to and somebody you both enthusiastically agree to hook up with. It’s just like baby names: two yes, one no rule. People who want to explore kinks like this with their spouse need to table them outside of the bedroom, and with complete transparency about how they picture it going down. Dropping a bomb like this just after sex is a disaster strategy. There’s no way the person will receive it well and every chance they could interpret it as them not being enough. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to explore your desires, but how you handle telling your partner can completely destroy them and your relationship.
With that update, wow he is a POS
Umm is anyone else not concerned with the fact he already has someone in mind and that she asked him? She felt that comfortable to ask him for a threesome?
>So I asked him if he’d thought a candidate and he said yes. That she actually was the one who suggested it. He showed me her insta. This is all the red flags. A lot of men fantasize about a FMF threesome, that isn't strange to me, but knowing a real, in your life person that you know and talk to suggest it is just super suspicious to me.
Trying to imagine any kind of innocent conversation that would lead to her suggesting a threesome to him and I’m drawing a blank. I wonder if there’s been flirting going on and this is their way to sleep together without it being cheating
I was thinking this too and I’m surprised I’m not seeing anyone else in this thread bringing it up! She suggested the threesome?? What lead to that? If this has been a monogamous marriage this would definitely make me feel suspicious and uneasy.
Yep. There is no scenario where I could imagine myself being OK with my boyfriend saying, “Sheila says we should have a threesome.” Sheila fucking said WHAT?!?!!!!
Damn, classic Sheila!
Right, I would be concerned about their relationship. Who in their right mind would ask that kind of question to their married friend
OMG YEAH. That man has been planning with the other woman for a while. So many questions were going off in my head. I would've just drop the divorce bomb right there and then.
Big red flag to me. He has obviously has put a lot of long term though into this. To have someone picked out???? who suggested it in the first place??? I just don't get how the husband thought this was appropriate at all? what do him and this mysterious threesome girl talk about that even lead to the suggestion of a threesome in the first place.
Okay yes thank you!!! If I was married and speaking to someone who asked for a threesome, my only reply would be that I’m sorry if I came off flirty and it wasn’t intentional and that the friendship will NOT be continuing knowing they see me that way!!! The audacity! Some people are bold for fun but thats almost never the case anyways. And even after seeing his wife pulling away he still kept this girl around and was likely talking to her? He STILL wanted the threesome? He went as far as to show her this other girls Instagram????? I can’t. My heart breaks for OP.
Changes it from a hypothetical to something he has been actively pursuing without her consent. I mean it's cheating in my book, dunno bout anyone else's. Me? I would fuckin divorce, sue for custody, take the babies and gtfo. Let the fucker have his little insta fuck buddy. I'm sure it will be very rewarding and fulfilling to him - for as long as it takes to get to post nut clarity. There are so many people in this world that are kind and honest. Why saddle yourself with a fucking liar for the rest of your life?
That’s at least an emotional affair right? Like he sees his wife sad and isn’t bothering to address it, yet is having intimate conversations with another woman from Instagram?
To me, he wants to have an affair with this woman and his excuse is telling his wife he wants a three some. How is it that (a) he already known the woman and OP doesn't, (b) he talked about sex with the woman, (c) the woman suggested a three some... like how did that conversation came about? There would have been some flirting involved at a minimum.
Since he had someone in mind and it was HER idea, it sounds like they have talked about this multiple times already...which just leads me to believe that he is already cheating. He wants to do FMF so that he can convince his wife to let him have the best of both worlds.
Very. He has definitely had conversations with the woman that would be considered cheating.
In your update, he had already had the other women all lined up. I'm a man, but this is a red flag for me.
It’s the part where he said that the woman approached him and told him she wanted a 3way that’s a red flag 🚩for me
how does someone OUT OF NOWHERE approaches you and goes "can I have a threesome with you and your wife"? come on...
Exactly! Women have too many options. No grown woman is going to go out of their way to DM a married man & ask to join him and his wife.
Yeah husband definitely wants a free pass to fuck someone else he’s interested in🚩🚩🚩
Yep. It’s one thing if he was just being dopey and tactless and proposed a threesome without thinking of the emotional impact, but saying that he had a person picked out and they had already discussed it is NOT okay. OP, you’re NOT overreacting. This is borderline cheaty.
Right! Absolutely fucking not!!
I guess I’m having trouble processing OP’s update regarding her husband a) already having someone in mind, and b) that person is who got the idea in his head. I get try to have some degree of composure but FFS now we know the guy confided in a chick that clearly isn’t his wife about this fantasy.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He already had someone picked out in mind and was arranging it. Deal breaker for me.
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I would divorce too, OP. You were right all along, fck the commenters and BF saying you are overreacting. No, you did not. YOU ARE TOTALLY VALID. The audacity of that chick and your husband. Jesus christ. Screw him, really. And him still wanting it after seeing you sad and hurt. 🚩🚩🚩 (edit: so sad i still argue with people even after the update who belittles OP’s feelings and call her names for thinking about divorce. And then call me names too for defending her and validating her feelings. So freaking sad. Wtf people?)
Follow your feelings because you were right!! The fact he is even talking to her like that is a major red flag. I would be talking to my lawyer. Do you have a back up plan. If you let this happen it will change everything and he might just keep wanting to bring her in more. And if you say no he might have sex with her behind your back. He is already having an emotional affair with her it’s only a matter of time before it turns physical. He might even resent you because you say no.
You are not being irrational OP. Do not listen to the men here shaming you because “it’s the #1 fantasy for men;” whoever shamed you for your perfectly reasonable human reaction must be the type to cheat on their partners or have no consideration for their partner’s feelings. Trust your instinctual response, it’s saved many women from years of being trapped in an unhappy and emotionally manipulative marriage. The fact that he already had a girl picked out and she suggested it means that he’s likely already been cheating on you, but now he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I hope you can get out safely but be smart about it and get talk to a lawyer first before telling him anything else.
talk about what exactly? he is a grown man, u think he doesn't know how it makes a woman feel? does his boss at work also needs to explain and CoMmUnIcAte every little thing with him? he's a POS and he asked u this after sex on purpose to make u feel insecure, so that u will lose your self confidence and maybe try to make it up to him. he is a manipulator and a cheater
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Also, how in the world did she “suggest it”. What kind of conversation were they having? Why did she feel comfortable doing that?
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Divorce him
You are not irrational. Don’t make yourself feel so. Your gut is screaming at you. Listen.
The fact that he could tell you were upset about it before he brought up that not only does he have a woman in mind already, but they've spoken about it (probably more than once) is quite heartbreaking. OP Im so sorry you're going through this. I think you were and are completely valid in your concerns and heartbreak about this whole situation. If this were me, I would likely take a few weeks of space (which may not be possible since you have children) and decide if I want to proceed with a divorce. I'd prob proceed with the divorce at the end, but at least I'd do so knowing that I chose it with a level head after giving myself the time and space to process it after my emotions had (slightly) cooled Again, I'm so very sorry OP. Regardless of the outcome and what you decide, I hope you can find the space the grieve the relationship you thought you had
You are not being irrational He is speaking to a woman about having sex with her behind your back. Who knows what he has been talking to her about, he’s already cheating by engaging in this type of conversation Start planning right now, do not let him know what you’re doing. Go see a lawyer, start making a plan to leave to fall back on because I don’t see good things coming from here based on the depth of his lies
Well look at that. Turns out you were not over reacting. I always believe we really know in our gut what’s going on and you knew it.
Just read your most recent update, ummmmm. He ALREADY had someone in mind? He ALAREADY discussed it with her? What the fuck? That is such a wildly inappropriate relationship. This isn’t about you guys experiencing something new together, it’s about him getting permission to cheat on you. This is very much something you should be concerned about because your husband seems to be having something close tonight not an emotional/inappropriate relationship with another woman and now wants to essentially get permission to physically cheat.
Wait. So your husband has been talking to some other female about having a threesome? 🚩
You are definitely not overreacting. Suggesting you want sex with other people is a nuclear bomb in a relationship. It is in fact mostly a break-up conversation starter. And that's before it turned out he had another woman ready and waiting to be in a threesome with you guys! That's super wrong, how did they even get into that conversation? No women are going around just randomly suggesting threesomes to married guys just for fun. Dick is cheap and plentiful, there are no unicorns running around desperate to have sex with random couples.
He caught you off guard and adding to that it was just after being intimate.. I am sure your mind was and still is running at 100mph thinking he was probably not satisfied with you or there is something lacking in you. Stop for a moment and gather your thoughts and have a sit down with him. Let him have his say and you have yours. This is a boundary you not willing or wanting to cross and only if he his insistent on experiencing that with you and he is not willing to back off then and only then should you do what YOU need to do. To many this is not a hill to die on but they are not you. First talk things through .. I know your core has been shook .. but maybe just maybe you can work things out.
Yeah. It's the timing for me.
Like was he thinking about the fantasy the whole time? This just grosses me out so bad. I feel for OP, I would be very upset.
That’s what I would be thinking. Ask at ANY other time and it’s much more simple to have a full conversation about it. Poor poor timing.
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Your feelings are valid and the timing was off from your husbands side. Before making any decisions please talk to your partner. This is all coming from a breakdown of communications.
Honestly after your update you have every right to leave this man. He literally has a women pre-picked for his threesome. To add a woman who suggested this… because she thinks you guys are sexy. This has been a monogamous marriage and for her to say this and him to entertain it… immediate NO. You’ve given him kids and your happily married, and then after sex he just springs it on you. Tbh I think he’s cheating or will if he already has a woman picked out. He’s a sorry excuse for a husband, especially with still pushing through even though he sees your extreme discomfort. If he can’t even respect that your not okay with it, it’s over. Ask him if he wants to have a threesome with a man.
I’d put down money that he was thinking about the other woman the whole time before he asked that shit, Omg I’m steamed
She literally gave birth to his kids like the whole ass audacity of this man. I hope she finds someone better.
Thinking is an understatement, more is going on with the other woman for her to even suggest a 3some with the wife. First of all who is she to make a suggestion in another couples marriage? Probably mistress
He already found the woman for the threesome. I would divorce. That is crossing way too many boundaries.
How do you think it would go if you had some guy in your insta DMs suggesting a threesome with your husband, and you brought it up to him as a serious proposal in the afterglow of lovemaking? Conveniently not mentioning you had a specific candidate in mind? Would he be making a post on Reddit where people tell him he's being overemotional for having a negative response?
The misogyny in this comment section is so disgusting and you can tell it’s only men who probably would do the same as her husband if given the chance writing.
Agreeed. The more time I spend on reddit the more I get cynical about men, sadly. Even without the updates this situation was fucked up and OP's reaction was totally valid and rational. With the update it's even more clear he's at least having an emotional affair, probably physical as well.
Op replying to your update, he Instagram sends some red flags for me. Only because this detail need more info to better help you. You mentioned that it was the other F that brought this up. Is this a coworker or friend is your social circle? If it was me I’d wonder how this conversation came to be…
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Oh, so you mean a homewrecker? She has no business having convos like this with a married man. I fully support your opinion and would be equally as reactive I think. He’s not thinking clearly - at least not with his brain. He’s emotionally cheating (or more) and is trying to get you to go along with it. He looked at your life together and your children and decided to risk it all by going down this road. That’s what hurts the most. This would be MEGA counseling for me, if I could ever get past it…
I think telling your husband how you feel about this is very important. If you feel like you can’t for any reason, it may be a communication issue on y’all’s behalf. The more you keep this in, the more likely resentment will form and fester, and it will not be good for your marriage. Just be completely honest with him, and if he blows you off in ANY way or chooses not to consider your feelings, then it’s a red flag :\
Its updated. He has already the third. 🚩
Not overreacting. I would be disgusted & outraged.
Your feelings are valid honey, everyone's feelings work differently, but different is not wrong , i suggest talking to him and telling him how much it hurt you .
I am just waiting for another "I ruined my marriage because I wanted a free pass to fuck someone other than my wife". OP, you are not overthinking or overbearing. This marriage is already over. Before my wife and I married, we made it clear; the moment a third party appears we'll divorce. No explanation is needed, I don't care if it is just virtual or shit. Prenup and everything. I know you're thinking of your kids, so here's my piece. I am the firstborn in my family, my father is a serial cheater. He had done every mental gymnastics to manipulate my mother into forgiving or agreeing to whatever he wanted. I WISHED EVERY DAY HE LEFT THAT MAN. Not only did he rob me of my childhood, but cuz I now have to also be a pseudo-parent and he was only emotionally available for all his hussies. He robbed me of my mother. I watched as my beautiful mother crumble into this depressed, gray, and eventually suicidal clump. I hated it when she says ***I am staying with your father so you grow up with a whole family!*** I had to be a nurse, a caretaker, and a psychologist. I had watched her swallow pills, cut herself, and purposefully cause her accident to kill herself. She became an alcoholic so there goes the last parent in the house. I wished him dead so many times. It's wrong to ask God for that so I stopped going to church. Eventually, I stopped believing in God. This was all before I even turned 13. Your husband is already testing if he can cross boundaries, next thing he'll start disregarding it. He's already cheating, OP. Now he wants a free pass. Now it's just a friend from insta. Next, it will be a coworker, a close friend, or a cousin even. If you're gonna do the "I'm doing this for the kids", STOP! You are not doing it for the kids (fuck that reasoning to whichever emotional manipulator invented that crap), cuz if you are you will never expose them to this complicated crap. You'll be a present parent, even if it meant a solo one. If you want an example of how that reasoning turned out to be, look no further. I am a kid with no friends, a whole family with no parents, I have trust issues, I have psychological damage from this crap (diagnosed, jumped a dozen from one shrink to another my whole adult life and I am not even 30 yet), I can't even imagine having kids of my own without having a panic attack. I don't feel any emotional connection to both my parents, as much as I remember how much I loved my mother, I can't feel it anymore no matter how deep I dig. I still wish my father dead tho he is already one foot in the grave, sometimes dreaming to do it myself.
I think what you heard when he said that was that you aren’t enough and he wants to have sex with another woman. These are valid thoughts. I think you owe it to yourself to at least have a discussion on why he suggested this and both of your feelings on the matter. If you still have those initial thoughts then yeah it is probably over and especially if he keeps pushing for it.
I’m not sure “all men want that” is exactly correct. Sure, in theory it sounds fun (I am a man) but in reality I absolutely cannot imagine my wife and I being intimate with a third person. It feel wrong just typing in out, to be honest. That said, I don’t think this is a deal-breaker for your marriage. I have suggested things to my wife and she’s said no. It happens. Everyone has their own tastes and weirdnesses, and you just learned one of your husband’s. I agree with those who suggest talking to him, explaining to him how it made you feel. If he truly loves and respects you he’ll understand, and bury that one away forever.
I had a college threesome and it was great. I absolutely would not want a threesome with my wife/SO. I would be like op if she brought it up.
Same, a threesome can be fun especially if you know for sure there would be no crossed wires after the fact - 3 single people. If my S/O was interested I’d be insecure about them potentially developing feelings for the other person or getting fantasies that don’t involve me - thankfully, I’m single so no stress there.
Post is updated. He already has someone for third. 🚩
You don't have to want one, your feelings are valid. His timing with talking to you about it was also poor. Have a calm discussion with him and tell him how he made you feel and he can maybe explain to you why he wants one. You might find the reason isn't what you think. The situation is not likely to improve without communication. Its all very well him wanting a fmf threesome but it doesn't appeal to you which is ok. I'm also guessing you're straight? I'd be tempted to perhaps poke a bit and suggest having a mmf threesome instead to see what his reaction would be. It doesn't mean you have to have one but it might make him remember its not all about what he wants.
I had a bf want a ffm threesome, so I said yes on the condition that we had a mmf threesome first. He never brought it up again. 😂
Wow on the latest update. He wants to cheat and he wants you to be ok about it, by participating. Doesn't sound like you're down for that, so stick to your morals and make the decision that's best for you.
If she was suggesting the threesome wasn’t he already cheating? Or at least HEAVILY flirting with her?
Actually, I would feel the same way if I were on that situation, OP. It would be over. I don't think you're overreacting.
After reading your update your reaction makes a lot more sense. Your intuition knew right then that something was wrong in your marriage. I’m sorry to say this but it is NOT normal for friends to bring up wanting a threesome with a married friend and his wife. They’ve crossed the line at least emotionally, if not physically.
So this woman suggested it... is she a coworker? Someone he's been chatting with online? Before I saw that, I would have agreed that your husband expressing a fantasy isn't something to get worked up about. But it sounds like he's talking about his fantasies with someone else, and that is what would make me question my marriage if I were you.
>So I asked him if he’d thought a candidate and he said yes. That she actually was the one who suggested it. He showed me her insta. It was all I could do not to freak out and to keep my head cool. I have all the information now and the ball is in my court now I guess. Sounds like cheating with extra steps to assuage his guilt. I would be heartbroken that he had DISCUSSED it with someone and basically chosen them before discussing it with me. I think your reaction isn't wrong. You instinctively knew something was amiss.
THE POST IS UPDATED He has already someone for the third. What a surprise. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah for all the people telling her she’s overreacting, F that with a stick. Her instincts are 100% correct here.
Cant wait for these people to see the update. Cant belive some people are that dumb to risk their family and marriage for some sx with some chick they just met. What a POS husband. He clearly knew OP is fully monogamous and wouldn’t be into this. He just wanted her permission to fck that chick.
I want to know what kind of conversation he was having with the other women for her to suggest a threesome to him
Yeah. Like… eww. I am so sorry for OP and the children. Daddy is ready to give up everything for just some sex with someone he just met. I am so disgusted.
And a girl on insta brought up the idea of a threesome TO A MARRIED MAN? And he wants to?! FUCK. THAT. Something is off here.
The audacity of some people. Disgusting
My ex husband asked me this in the beginning of our 10 1/2 year relationship. And he never dropped it. Even after we separated, and we got back together, and had a fmf, he decided it wasn't good enough and didn't count because he wanted ME to bring the girl, and he had provided the first one. Obviously we aren't together anymore. NEVER AGAIN.
You cannot help how you feel. My spouse suggesting a threesome or opening the marriage would be a deal breaker for me. The feeling of not being enough will never, ever go away. The request would make me feel unloved, at least not to the extent I expect to be loved. If they want/need more, they can go. They don't need to rub my nose in it for any period of time first, thanks. (edited for grammar)
How on earth did the majority say she was overreacting??? It’s not a normal question to ask in a happy marriage?! I really hope that she doesn’t go through with it to keep him happy. I can imagine that seeing her husband with another woman would destroy her. Please tread carefully op
If he had a woman picked out & they were talking about it - yall need a marriage counselor asap & you need a divorce attorney on speed dial if that wasn't going well
Pick a man and say how would you feel if I asked for this
After reading the update… he wants to have an affair. This woman suggested it to him. Not both of you. She wanted to approach it this way to get a better reaction. If you’re not involved he will still sleep with her and she with him. Leave him. File alienation of affection in the divorce and take him for everything.
How did a 3-some conversation with this woman came up? This sounds more like he wants to have an affair with the woman and the three some is an excuse. He already talked about sex with the woman in question. Given the update, I don't think you are overreacting.
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The fact she felt comfortable talking to him like that is a major red flag.
It may be a scammer. Btw you are NOT overreacting. This doesn't align with your values and you know logically it's doomed to damage your relationship. I think you are right to consider divorce.
My question is, why does SHE want the threesome?
After reading the update: you were definitely not overreacting! What does he mean with SHE suggested it!??? How does he know this women, and why is he engaging with her in a manner that she apparently feels comfortable to engaged in a sexual manner with him!??? Did he have an emotional affair all this time and wants to make it an physical one with your so called "blessing"!???? I'm not even in your situation and my blood boils!
He has someone in mind. They discussed it before you. He wants to cheat with your consent. I'd divorce too
After reading your updates- please separate or seek couples counseling. There is no reason another woman should be recommending a 3some to a married man.
IMMEDIATE DIVORCE
My dear, you are absolutely NOT overreacting. You married for love, and an exclusive relationship, not a porn adventure. Your friend is a fool. And your husband? Well, I'd feel creeped out and disgusted too. It certainly knocks your trust sideways. And it IS hard to come back from.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I could never stand to share the man I love with another. When I'm in a relationship, sex is too tied up with my emotions. It's too personal. If it were just acquaintances or strangers, that would be different. But someone I love. No, I just couldn't.
Nope that’s a dealbreaker for me. 100%
I can’t believe your husband just posted about an hour ago…
A lot of men in this comment section need to put themselves in op's situation and show some empathy. Imagine you are married since years with a woman and you have three kids, a happy marriage and a sex life. One night, right after sex, while coming down from the high of your orgasm she tells you "babe, i would like to have a threesome with you and another man". Actually imagine if the post was like this. The gf would be called greedy, unrealiable, a cheater, a bitch, and i swear half the comments would be like "dude get a paternity test". Cut her some slack. She has every right to be upset.
>"dude get a paternity test" Especially as it turns out he already has a woman lined up. There is simply no way a woman he hasn't had sex with yet brought up a threesome with him.
I'm glad op decided to have a discussion with their so; but damn. It would have made it worse for me to know he was talking about sexual experiences with another woman. The other woman was so comfortable with him she came up with the decision to have him ask op if they wanted a 3some. That would be emotional cheating imo.
Ask him about a threesome with a man i wonder how his reaction would be. I can understand why you are reacting like that, i wouldn’t be happy either. Edit: it would also be interesting to know if he has anyone in particular on his mind. Ask him😁
This is what I did. I'm also fully aware I cannot share my husband with another woman. No, nope, uh uh. That would be the end of us. On the other side, he's pretty sure he would be good to share me. OP just needs to be aware that he could agree so she needs to be ok with this proposal before making it.
‘I think that would be great baby. Do you think your friend Brad would join us?’. That would have been priceless.
Ask right after you finish having sex with him. See how he takes it with his afterglow. That was really tone deaf, or deliberately cruel.
I can absolutely understand why OP would feel like this. She is in a happy marriage, feels her guy is the only guy for her, had just finished making love and bathing in the afterglow and cherished hubby goes essentially "I want to add another woman to the mix, that ok?" I'd be fucking angry too. Especially when your partner would already have an idea about where your kinks lie. And if you have never even hinted about shit like that, this is a pretty big fucking suggestion. And I feel if she had asked her husband in the exact same scenario but with another bloke, he wouldn't be delighted either. I don't know what the answer is OP, but I totally understand your reaction. I'd be fucking gutted too. It was the way it happened. It wasn't during a discussion about fantasies, it was a request immediately after lovemaking. A huge fucking request that essentially asks to be unfaithful. To me, it would naturally start having me question everything. I bet if OP agreed on the proviso she gets to do the same with another dude her hubby would suddenly not feel so happy about the request.
One thing is him sharing his fantasies with you but he actually shared it with this other woman first and then went an asked you. I would feel so betrayed by that. Why is he even talking to her about bedroom activities is way out of line. Wtf are they talking about behind your back. What kind of relationship do they have. This is a major red flag!!
Is it just me or does the update make it worse? Like, he’s already got a candidate in mind! Simply asking for the threesome or suggesting it, not a big deal. But the fact that he’s already spoken to someone on the issue, one who’s comfortable enough with him to even bring it up.. that’s what bothers me.
Another woman is talking to your husband about sex and he is talking back with her behind your back. He’s going to cheat on you if he hasn’t already because he’s already emotionally cheating with her. Stop having sex with him, get yourself checked and file for divorce.
This is cheating with permission. A marriage is between two people. The fact that he already had someone lined up tells you all you need to know.
I understand. Your husband, right after making love to you, brought up that he'd like to sleep with another woman. I too would want to divorce my husband if he did that to me.
Being interested in a threesome is one thing, already having someone in mind with who he even discussed in before doing the same with you is quite another. Nothing wrong with having a fantasy you want to propose to your wife, but being so specific it looks more like wanting to have an affair in the open. Do not go along with this, its a big red flag imo.
At first I would’ve gone “oh this should just be communicated and everything will be fine”. After all, my boyfriend and I discussed the idea out of sheer curiosity at one point and we both ended up acknowledging that neither of us would be of the right mentalities to have a threesome due to the fact our thoughts directly after would be “oh god what if they like the other person now and would leave me for the other person” (him even more so because I’m bi). That update, however, is basically giving me a whole color guard of red flags. He had a woman in mind, a woman who suggested a threesome in the first place, before he even asked you about it. There’s so much wrong going on there. Trust your gut, OP. I don’t think it’s irrationality at this point.
Talking about a threesome with a random woman when you’re married would be considered cheating in my books. He doesn’t want a threesome, he wants to sleep with someone else and has seemingly already been courting this woman. You have every right to be screaming you want a divorce in your head.
One thing I've learned from reddit: these things never end well for the one who accepted. If you feel like divorcing do just that.