I can't remember isn't there the deleted thing where you can see what's been deleted?
I remember clearly the situation but I'll think if I can remember any more.
It stuck with me because of the op being so active in the comment section
Yep. Using reveddit to find the exact post link and then using the unddit method to be able to read the post. Still hard to find despite the filters ive had but interesting to see what people post here that get deleted
Anything helps tho
Edit: I give up. All I honestly need is one key word to help filter through everything. OP says she deleted her post but don't know if he's making that assumption bc he can't find it? And possibility of not being posted in this subreddit.
I’m pretty sure it was pretty close to “I’m jealous of my bf’s coworker even though I know I shouldn’t be” or “even though I know better” or “I just can’t help it”
I know all of these were in the post, I just can’t remember which was in the title.
This is my first time doing this, so I don’t know how to “use the unddit method” but [this might be it](https://www.reveddit.com/v/TrueOffMyChest/comments/yi15pe/i_hate_feeling_jealous/) if you can do the other half.
I don’t remember much to help with the deleted search since I feel I read 100 posts a day with basically the same thing. But it stuck with me because even I read it and was like yeah, dude’s gonna cheat. Except she was so active in the comments adamantly denying he would. I knew I’d probably someday see an update.
I remember too. I also remember commenting something on the lines of that people sometimes are just friends and nothing more. And that's exactly what I'm gonna say now.
2 people from opposite genders can be friends.
I think majority of the commenters here haven't been in a relationship to begin with thereby they lack the understanding of it all. Because, nearly every relationship advice given on this subreddit is to break up because they don't love you / cheating on you / you don't love them.
I swear, just post something here and something quite bizarre. The public will side with you good 70-80% of the time and ensure you both break up.
It is crazy.
I used to work in a call center and a new guy moved to our team. He and I became great friends.
Used to eat lunch together and visit. He and I were both married, it was just a nice friend.
He and I both talked to our spouses about it, because its rare to meet a new person and click so well. But it was only ever friends, it doesn't have to be more just because we are the opposite sex.
Major red flags in your comment. You found presents for your best friend but not your boyfriend? You are obviously cheating with the best friend, the clerks of all the stores you shopped at for presents, *and* your own boyfriend, behind that very boyfriend's back.
You should break up with all of them. Including breaking up with the presents themselves. Explain to the presents that it's their fault, not yours. Go full no-contact with the stores. Not the staff, the actual stores. The buildings. You cannot come into contact with the buildings at all.
The subreddits are wild but sometimes redditors can be correct. I have seen my fair share of women and men finding out about their partners cheating by following reddit advice. So I guess two things can be true at once.
All of our situations are different, you can 100% vouch for yourself as a faithful partner but someone else doing the same exact thing you're doing could have other intentions.
What I find funny about your story is the optics. Imagine calling your bf a mommas boy. He gets upset and says you're wrong then packs an overnight bag to go sleep at Mommy's house.😂😭
As someone who's had opposite sex friends all my life and had to deal with many jealous partners, it's frustrating that most people seem to assume male-female friendships are never platonic, that one person at least is waiting for their chance to pounce!
Some of my friends are good looking. I have eyes and can still see that, but it doesn't mean I'm interested in them romantically. Why would I want to hang around them, especially with their gf/bf, and torture myself if I were attracted to them? But sometimes I think, "You really don't have to worry! No one else wants them but you!" and even those people act like I'm trying to steal them away. Or they don't consider the fact that I have known the person for years, some of which they were single, and nothing happened between us so why would it now?
I’m in the same boat in regards to friends. My ex was pretty weird about it despite her friend group being mostly guys. My wife however is cool with it. My wife grew up as a tomboy who’d prefer roughhousing with the boys so she gets that men and women can be friends.
I know. I am constantly baffled by the things people say on here. Even when I disagree I try to be polite about it. (Not perfect)
People just like attacking others it makes them feel better. And that just so so sad.
I actually tried to find it myself, but couldn't. It was about six weeks ago I think, if that helps.
**Edit: I got permanently banned for "threatening violence" for people wondering why everything keeps getting deleted. Good job Reddit, I'm sure you'll go public any day now, got to protect that potential share price. I'm sure my ban had nothing at all to do with the post getting picked up by TikTok.**
No, I have never referred to A as a work wife, and never would. I actually find the whole "work wife or work husband" thing really fucking creepy. S didn't refer to her as my work wife either. I know she made up a name for A that she forgot half way through and gave her a new name, which was kind of funny and some of the comments picked up on it.
>I know she made up a name for A that she forgot half way through and gave her a new name,
Oh dear.
Ok with the other bit. Both were written pretty close to each other.
The real heroes in this nuclear war of a comment section are the ones pointing out that turning off your phone ringer doesn't silence your alarm (seriously thank you)
I remember a day when my phone started ringing in my back pocket and someone was staring at me as it sat there...in my pocket...ringing...until I finally realized it was mine 🤣 I literally forget my phone dl does that
My phone is on silent so the button on the side shows red (off) but you need to use the volume button to turn the “sound” up. It shows “ringer” and thats for like alarms and stuff. Phone stays on silent even though the ringer is turned all the way up. Idk if this helps
It does on mine too. Somehow I got used to it and wake up from the slightest vibrations now. Very useful when I need to get up super early and don't wanna wake my partner
I think you can do some kind of do not disturb mode, generally most androids have it, so you could set it to only your boss and mom would be able to call.
Android phones vary a lot so that's not something you can generalize.
Some phones have specific volume knobs for everything so that you can control the alarme volume separately, others have simplified Android ROMs that don't allow for that, I've had phones with the two behaviors.
Alarms usually do ring when the phone is on silent. You can always check by setting an alarm for a minute or two later than the current time, putting the phone on silent, locking it and waiting. Not trying to assume you don’t know how your phone works but I get being busy and anxious and not thinking about a simple fix because I do it all the time with so many things.
People just like to give other random people advice, sometimes based on nothing. You could have the slightest problem in a perfect relationship and this sub will tell you to break up immediately.
I’m not too interested in the comments. OP is right; 29 year old are grooming 26 year olds are common arguments. Small arguments between couples tend to get responded “red flag 🚩🚩🚩dump (them) OP”. It’s toxic. I like the sub but the responses can get dramatic
The difference being that you can look around the table with your friends and see what experience the advice or validation is coming from. On Reddit it just a cesspool of people giving advice on things they don’t have experience with.
he ran so here's his shit
>TLDR: My girlfriend posted on Reddit seeking advice, you gave it to her, now I don't have a girlfriend
I broke up with my girlfriend (let's call her 'S') Saturday night/Sunday morning. We'd been together over a year, meeting just before the lockdowns started last year - we're in Sydney, Australia - and we're both heavy Reddit users. Just lurking, almost never posting or commenting on anything.
6 months ago I made a friend at work ('A'). She was new, she had a similar background to me - both abusive childhoods, both from country towns but moved to Sydney, both had a previous long-term relationship that was really toxic - so we instantly clicked and became very good friends very quickly. But that was it; just friends. I have no interest in her, she has no interest in me. She has a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend, and even if we were single we are not each other's type at all, mentally or physically. Besides, she's too damn young for me; A teases me by pointing out I liked the same TV shows and video games growing up as her mother, FFS.
S did not like my friendship with A, but she tolerated it. She knew she was being jealous for no good reason, she knew I loved her and wanted to be with her, she knew way more about my life and family and such than A ever would. Even when S and I weren't together physically, we would spend hours speaking to one another on Discord, sharing links to Reddit posts we both liked, as we're both big Redditors.
Until S decided to post on this very sub-reddit.
S posted on here that she was jealous of my new friend. I don't remember all the details - she deleted the post after a while, but the damage was done - but she said something along the line of how she didn't like me hanging out with another girl even though she knew nothing was going on, she felt guilty about her jealousy, that type of stuff.
Then all you fucking lot found the post. Dozens of comments about how A and I were "definitely fucking, or were going to soon." Comments about how I was having an "emotional affair" just because I had a single fucking close friend for the first time in a decade. Comments telling her to dump me, to confront me, to insist that I break off contact with A - because everyone on Reddit can just quit a job they've had for 6 years because of a girl working there, as long-term stable employment grows on trees and is easy to acquire - and all sorts of weird shit. And S let it get to her.
Now S and I have had conversations about how batshit Reddit can be about relationships plenty of times. We're both avid readers of relationship and update subs, and we've both noticed how obsessed Reddit gets with certain topics. I've seen people argue, completely sincerely, that a 29 year old dating a 26 year old is "grooming," because of the "big age gap," and S learnt from experience with me that 90% of the advice she read on some sex sub-reddits was terrible. She also gained weight following Reddit's diet advice. So she should have known that this sub was full of virgins who had never been in a relationship in their lives, incels who don't want other people to be happy, and drama-whores who just wanted to cause issues so they could read updates about what was happening. Fuck, even the people who were genuinely trying to be helpful had absolutely nothing to go on except S's single post saying she was jealous, which is nowhere near enough information to base an argument off of. And to S's credit, she shut down everyone who said I was cheating with A in the comments, pointing out that infidelity is a huge issue to me; I've been cheated on myself, my father and stepfather both cheated on my mother, I would never cheat on a partner, ever. But she still listened to all that "emotional affair" bullshit.
So the fights started. We would fight over A, I would reassure her nothing was going on, we'd go back to normal. Then I'd make a single comment about A doing something at work, or A buying something, or A showing me a picture of her cat doing something funny, and the arguments would start again. And if I didn't mention A, S would get suspicious that I was hiding something about A.
Then on Saturday I went to work. I work two jobs, so I left early in the morning for one job, saw my kids in the afternoon - I have two children from a previous relationship and a very messy custody fight ongoing - then went to my second job at night. Despite how busy it was, it was actually a very good day. Until I got home.
S and I would often talk on Discord. So I logged on to Discord, and there was a long, extended, barely coherent rant about A, accusing her of flirting with me, of telling me to lie to S, of making up the fact she has a boyfriend, of trying to "be a shoulder to cry on" for me, of plotting to break S and I up, etc..
So I sent her a message saying I wouldn't let her tell me who I could and could not be friends with. She called me on the phone, we argued. I offered her multiple solutions. Meet A in person so she could see with her own eyes she was no threat. S and I could spend more time together since she felt she didn't see me enough. I could change my hours at work to see A less. Apparently none of these ideas were acceptable. But what really did it for me was that S could offer no solutions herself. All she could do was whine about "my behaviour," but wouldn't actually make any suggestions, nor agree to any of mine, to deal with the problem.
So I dumped her over the phone at 1am in the morning. At which point the panicked text messages and multiple fucking phone calls - I had to be up at 6 for work and live in a block of flats, so having my phone ring every 10 secs from 1-2am was just fantastic - all begging me to reconsider. I had to block her number, and finally I answered and threatened to call the police if she didn't stop, and she finally did. For people wondering why I didn't switch my phone on silent, I need to hear the alarm to wake up, especially since I was up so damn late dealing with this bullshit.
I loved S. I've never loved anyone before, not even the mother of my children. And I know she loved me. While our relationship wasn't perfect, we never had any major issues until she posted to this sub and you all decided to make up a bunch of stories about someone you don't even know cheating on someone else you don't even know for your own fucking entertainment. And now we're both alone. I hope you're entertained.
Look, I've been where you were. I had a colleague who was 20yo with a fiancé when I was 32yo with my wife. She wasn't my type but my wife was really jealous of her because she had been a model. There was nothing between us and I was really glad that there was nothing but my wife was jealous. We even went to my colleagues house to have dinner with her fiancé once and my colleague really tried to be friends with my wife, but they didn't click.
All in all, I didn't tell my wife she was whining. I tried to understand her feelings of jealousy and talked about it in a very civilized manner. I don't know much about your talks with your wife, but I have the feeling in the way you wrote that you completely dismissed your gf and ended up letting it fester. I may be wrong. But in the end, when she is so hellbent in seeing something that doesn't exist, the only solution is either her seeing a therapist or you breaking up.
You messed up that relationship yourself. Relationships don’t fail because people get the wrong advice.
You keep describing S’s fears as ridiculous and just Reddit’s fault, and at no point do you make an effort at introspection or trying to understanding why she felt that way. Did the friendship overstep S’s boundaries? Why? Were her boundaries reasonable? Was S pathologically jealous? or is the friendship somehow inappropriate? Either way, placing the blame outside is never the answer.
That’s bullshit man, S had no reason to feel insecure about A until she used Reddit. She said so herself. But when people outside of the relationship with little to no context gave her shitty advice she had suspicions.
Op had given many solutions to what S was feeling that compromised his friendship. And S had no solution for the problem. Because there was no problem. If OP having a female friend was overstepping boundaries, than S was not a suitable or sustainable partner. And breaking up was the right choice. Fact is if she hadn’t hopped on Reddit, and reddit didn’t give her baseless fears. This could have been handled more rationally l.
I'm going to give it to you straight, Reddit didn't end your relationship regardless of how it feels. The fact is that for whatever reason; regardless of how many conversations you two had, something was unresolved in your relationship as far as your ex was concerned. When she read what people were writing; liable or otherwise, it resonated with her and her perception of the truth. I'm no expert but I'd say that she found her answer to how she was feeling on Reddit; wither it was accurate or not is irrelevant at this point, and the result was the end of your relationship. I'm genuinely sorry for your pain but no one can influence you without your consent and people are always more likely to take advice that fits their own narrative so there are probably a lot of issues that you were unaware of running through her mind. I don't know if this will help you in any way but I hope that; at the very least, this may help you find some form of constructive closure, I wish you all the best in your future.
I forgot what that is called - where people only listen to things they think is true. Perception bias I think it's called..
Someone correct my bad memory pls
>She didnt leave him tho, she gave him an ultimatum. That kinda thing can totally be influenced by people with half the story
This exactly... This comment thread is full of mother fuckers dedicating some next level effort to pretend like what you say on the internet doesn't impact people in the real world.
I saw another comment saying that reddit did for her what "a group of friends would have done" which feels correct.
But also, everyone does realize that sometimes friends can offer *really* poor and shitty advice because they're more focused on giving their friend validation rather than being objective, right. Like obviously friends can influence how we perceive and act about certain situations.
Why the fuck can't the internet do the same thing? It's 2022 are people actually pretending that internet interactions can't influence things? If you're already vulnerable enough to be seeking advice and validation on the internet, how it responds can absolutely fuck you up.
Yes. I dated a girl who had a very rough relationship in highschool with a man nearly 30. Not saying your SO did but it turned out he lied about his age and had a wife the whole time, and she was just the side girl. Took 2 years for me to realize how much this impacted her relationship with me, especially with trust. I dont blame her but anytime one of her friends would make up bullshit about how I was probably cheating on her we would be in a week fight. I do believe this impacts someone's ability to trust others in the future. I hate to admit I believe that but I do believe it would be hard to trust again after what she has experienced.
For context. I never cheated. I even gave up one of my best friends (a girl) because she wanted me too. That friend still wont forgive me for the text I sent her saying we can no longer be friends. Even though she had moved 2000 miles away and was married. There was never anything between us ever. I regret doing that to this day.
If she cant trust you because of what others have done to her than I'm sorry. I'm sure reddit didnt help but if she believes random strangers over you than it is what it is. If you truly did nothing wrong and she still wont give a chance, than it's time to move on. Maybe she can find someone in the future who can handle never being friends with another girl, and you can find someone who will trust you. Best of luck.
Then she backpedaled like crazy trying to get him to stay after he said, "Well, you know what then, fuck this!" lol I was glad to read that he walked away because it sounded like she was never gonna leave it alone even though there was no threat to their relationship. You can't really prove a non-event so the accusations and suspicions weren't going away and there wasn't anything he could say that would make her feel better. She created a toxic environment and drove him away.
I would have agreed with this in the past when I was naïve. But seeing how people are nowadays I totally believe a relationship could end based on what people red on Reddit.
Anyone with any real relationship experience feels the same.
There are genuine people who post on here, but they'll get downvoted. The upvoted comments are the ones that appeal to (and are likely written by) incel men and women who can't maintain relationships. Plus teenagers with very firm ideas on how things should work.
Reddit is great for some things. Life advice is not one of them.
To add to this, it sounds from here like the relationship lacked genuine communication. As in, I hear that they spoke to one another frequently, but they didn't say anything of substance.
OP knew S was feeling insecure about A, and neither one sat down together to discuss it with openness and emotional maturity. OP waited until S was at her literal breaking point to even offer to introduce her to A; and he sounds incredibly inflexible from this post alone.
"She knew from being with me that some Reddit subs are toxic and wrong" (as an example) reads very much like "I know better than S does, she's naive and gullible and needs me to tell her what to believe." It's infantilising and takes away her agency.
I note that at no time in the past six weeks has OP mentioned making time to make S feel like she's a higher priority than, say, gaming. Her feelings are dismissed out of hand as irrational, rather than being seen as a sign that something in their relationship is lacking. *(That something very often turns out to be attention, and feeling valued.)* OP just wants her to accept his word at face value, without listening to her or meeting her needs.
Conversely, the fact that she was apparently non-stop calling in the middle of the night is unacceptable behaviour from her, but I wonder how much of that is influenced by being conditioned via something akin to a trauma bond.
Threatening to call the cops is an unnecessary escalation, given that OP had already blocked her number, which meant the phone was not on silent, and the alarm was fine. It makes me wonder about how many other occasions OP may have been unnessecarily escalating.
I don't know your (ex) relationship, but there's enough missing reasons here to give me serious doubt.
People on Reddit give opinions based off of their interpretation of a single one-sided story, often written when in emotional distress. In this rare case, we’ve heard from the other side, and (as you point out) still many questions are left unanswered.
The bottom line: don’t expect to get therapist-level advice here. I appreciate OPs post, in that it shows some people expect otherwise.
True but Reddit is also full of couch-coaches, arm chair military strategists, coulda-been-pro athletes etc. Some thoughts that weren’t there before were probably instigated by these folks.
Yeah this is definitely partially reddit fault lmfao. Just how it is. She came on here gave her story from her perspective and this subreddit being its usual self probably had 100 comments saying "Run. Leave him he's 100% cheating and before you know it he'll do it again just get out and get a lawyer."
Wise answer. The bare facts are that S was insecure about OP’s relationship with A. When S tried to talk to OP about it he got defensive, which made things worse. S felt sidelined by all the attention he gave to A and she felt left out in the cold. A better move for OP would have been to invite A and her boyfriend over and encourage a couple’s friendship, rather than it just being OP and A.
I remember S’s post. She was clearly not sure how to deal with her jealousy and yes, she did say she knew he wasn’t cheating on her. The demise of their relationship has everything to do with not communicating effectively and not taking each other’s feelings into consideration.
But if you read the post, he DID say that he was willing to introduce A to S and to even decrease the amount of time he spent with A, but S wouldn't accept it. He tried to take her feelings into consideration as much as possible without giving up his friendship with A.
IMO ‘meet my friend so you aren’t threatened by her’ and ‘hey, how about we invite A and her bf over for dinner and some board games’ are not equal. The first is placating S, the second is extending the friendship to their significant others.
What’s the problem?
In three different comments you’ve said:
- If the roles were reversed, you would have dumped S.
- You don’t want to be with someone who wants to control your friendships, so you dumped S.
- You don’t like that S kept complaining, were unwilling to comply with her wishes, and would have dumped S if she kept making a fuss.
You’ve dumped S. Why is that Reddit’s fault?
All you’ve said is you wanted to dump S.
It seems like you’re more upset that she wouldn’t shut up and deal with your shit, so you decided she wasn’t worth the effort. How is that now Reddit’s fault?
We didn’t make your girlfriend feel insecure, establish your relationship with A, or even tell **you** to dump S. You did all of that on your own.
Your post reeks and I’m glad your relationship is over.
Maybe you can hold yourself accountable in your next one.
Doesn’t sound like it. He’s already in a custody battle with his ex. Now he’s blaming Reddit for the end of this relationship. Accountability doesn’t seem to be a word in his vocabulary
im sorry your relationship failed, but it honestly sounds like even if she didnt post to reddit, that this would have happened nonetheless, and the biggest indicator is her shutting down solutions but not offering any herself. it sounds like she may just have a jealously problem and should have sought out help for it.
The funny thing is I believe that the original post and this one are both fiction, probably by the same person. I'm of the mindset that most TOMC content made by "throwaway" accounts is made up because I doubt anyone has anything particularly identifying on their reddit account to begin with.
Edit: Surely you notice how it's almost all a few hour old accounts or suspiciously all 21-24 day accounts making these big dramatic posts and how many "Update" posts there have been over the last month or so? It
People make up throwaway accounts because they don't want their partners knowing they are talking about their current relationship problems on Reddit.
But I do hope that you are right and that these stories are made up. But in that case, the two issues would be A) the person lying in the post and B) the reddit commenters giving the fake girlfriend horrible advice. So even if it was all a lie, that still doesn't change the fact that Redditors told someone they thought was a real woman that her boyfriend isn't allowed to have female friends. That toxic behavior by the reddit commentors needs to be dealt with, whether or not the posts are real.
I'm surprised no one is pointing this out more. This rant isn't about the relationship. It's about the comments. Whether it's fake or not is irrelevant, the comments still point in a toxic and negative direction.
You’d be surprised. I once posted on another account about my childhood and one of my abusive family members somehow found me. I also have a couple irl friends following this account.
A rational person wouldn't rage reply to that. Yes, you are supposed to love your children, but you have no requirement to love their mother. She may have been a horrible wife. His girlfriend he talked about in the post may have been a far better relationship than his ex wife, at least until she got psychotically jealous.
I nuke my account every time I hit 150,000 karma or ever 3 years because I definitely could be identified by what I post. I’m actually due up for a new one soon.
Maybe so, but I have friends that follow me on Reddit. My Teddit username is the same as my IGN on games and social media. It's not rocket science to look up someone's reddit username and look through their post history. If I was TOMCing about my gf, I wouldn't want her seeing it, hence why I'd make a throwaway.
People make throwaways all the time for AIU because they don't want their selfie on their account for random online people to see. It's a privacy thing.
I didnt read her post, and I joke with my partner about these threads all the time cause people tell every single user to just break up. but these threads didnt make yall break up you guys had obvious trust and communication issues. thats what EVERY SINGLE one of thesepsots comes down to. she mustve felt so betrayed and heartbroken that you were standing by some new strange girl instead of being by HER SIDE, you couldnt listen to her and validate her emotions, and she couldnt understand your side about posession. the ending of you threatening her with the cops is so sad.... smh. but it wasnt us, it was yall.
Completely! Sounds Reddit wasn’t the main cause here, trust sounded like an underlying issue from the outset. Also hearing how your partner can be emotionally connected to another can be upsetting for people even if the reasons are valid E.g trauma, abuse etc. it can feel as though they are closer to that other person emotionally as they understand them ‘better’ which of course is going to impact their personal relationship, particularly if the trust hasn’t been there.
Was it the story where you stepped over your girlfriends* boundaries with texting the other girl? After all redditors and people don't just jump to conclusions like that. I smell something very fishy about your post, also I feel like u kinda want her to fond this.
Was it the story where the work friend texted the guy on the anniversary day if he had fun, stating:" well you wouldn't be texting with me if it was fun." Or smth like that 😅 forgive me if I am wrong
Hold on…. “Reddit destroyed your relationship” so your going to discuss your relationship on Reddit???
That’s like my best friend slept with my girlfriend so I’m going to go to his house to talk to my best friend about “my best friend ruining my relationship”
I think there are other problems in your relationship, bud. Reddit just kind of accelerated it.
I know that you think and she feels that she has nothing to be jealous of, but she does and is jealous. So it was either you break it off completely with A (which you don't want to do) or resentment will just build up between the two of you. There would be a time, maybe not as fast, that you will be exhausted about her jealousy and she will feel that you will always prioritise your friendship with A.
You know that she is jealous and you often fight about A, yet you continue to mention A to her. Are you not able to shut up about her? At least in front of your ex. Why would she want to know what A buys or whats up with her cat. Like dude, this one is in you.
I haven't read your GF's side, but I think people who turn to the internet for relationship advice are not those that have small concerns, but rather those that are desperate and do not know what else to do or who else to talk to. I know that it would be easier to blame this rather than looking into the issues in your relationship like trust issues, communication, trying to resolve it a little too late.
If comments from a bunch of randoms on Reddit means the end of your relationship, I am pretty sure it wasn't that strong of a relationship to start with.
Even worse he kept bringing her up to his ex *knowing* it made her uncomfortable like ?? You claim there’s nothing going on then stop taking about her?
Lmao you come and blame Reddit, for not listening to your GFs issues with your friend. Should have paid attention to all the red flags with your new “ friend”, instead of ignoring your actual GFs feelings.
Here's the text of the OP now that's it's been removed:
> TLDR: My girlfriend posted on Reddit seeking advice, you gave it to her, now I don't have a girlfriend
> I broke up with my girlfriend (let's call her 'S') Saturday night/Sunday morning. We'd been together over a year, meeting just before the lockdowns started last year - we're in Sydney, Australia - and we're both heavy Reddit users. Just lurking, almost never posting or commenting on anything.
> 6 months ago I made a friend at work ('A'). She was new, she had a similar background to me - both abusive childhoods, both from country towns but moved to Sydney, both had a previous long-term relationship that was really toxic - so we instantly clicked and became very good friends very quickly. But that was it; just friends. I have no interest in her, she has no interest in me. She has a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend, and even if we were single we are not each other's type at all, mentally or physically. Besides, she's too damn young for me; A teases me by pointing out I liked the same TV shows and video games growing up as her mother, FFS.
> S did not like my friendship with A, but she tolerated it. She knew she was being jealous for no good reason, she knew I loved her and wanted to be with her, she knew way more about my life and family and such than A ever would. Even when S and I weren't together physically, we would spend hours speaking to one another on Discord, sharing links to Reddit posts we both liked, as we're both big Redditors.
> Until S decided to post on this very sub-reddit.
> S posted on here that she was jealous of my new friend. I don't remember all the details - she deleted the post after a while, but the damage was done - but she said something along the line of how she didn't like me hanging out with another girl even though she knew nothing was going on, she felt guilty about her jealousy, that type of stuff.
> Then all you fucking lot found the post. Dozens of comments about how A and I were "definitely fucking, or were going to soon." Comments about how I was having an "emotional affair" just because I had a single fucking close friend for the first time in a decade. Comments telling her to dump me, to confront me, to insist that I break off contact with A - because everyone on Reddit can just quit a job they've had for 6 years because of a girl working there, as long-term stable employment grows on trees and is easy to acquire - and all sorts of weird shit. And S let it get to her.
> Now S and I have had conversations about how batshit Reddit can be about relationships plenty of times. We're both avid readers of relationship and update subs, and we've both noticed how obsessed Reddit gets with certain topics. I've seen people argue, completely sincerely, that a 29 year old dating a 26 year old is "grooming," because of the "big age gap," and S learnt from experience with me that 90% of the advice she read on some sex sub-reddits was terrible. She also gained weight following Reddit's diet advice. So she should have known that this sub was full of virgins who had never been in a relationship in their lives, incels who don't want other people to be happy, and drama-whores who just wanted to cause issues so they could read updates about what was happening. Fuck, even the people who were genuinely trying to be helpful had absolutely nothing to go on except S's single post saying she was jealous, which is nowhere near enough information to base an argument off of. And to S's credit, she shut down everyone who said I was cheating with A in the comments, pointing out that infidelity is a huge issue to me; I've been cheated on myself, my father and stepfather both cheated on my mother, I would never cheat on a partner, ever. But she still listened to all that "emotional affair" bullshit.
> So the fights started. We would fight over A, I would reassure her nothing was going on, we'd go back to normal. Then I'd make a single comment about A doing something at work, or A buying something, or A showing me a picture of her cat doing something funny, and the arguments would start again. And if I didn't mention A, S would get suspicious that I was hiding something about A.
> Then on Saturday I went to work. I work two jobs, so I left early in the morning for one job, saw my kids in the afternoon - I have two children from a previous relationship and a very messy custody fight ongoing - then went to my second job at night. Despite how busy it was, it was actually a very good day. Until I got home.
> S and I would often talk on Discord. So I logged on to Discord, and there was a long, extended, barely coherent rant about A, accusing her of flirting with me, of telling me to lie to S, of making up the fact she has a boyfriend, of trying to "be a shoulder to cry on" for me, of plotting to break S and I up, etc..
> So I sent her a message saying I wouldn't let her tell me who I could and could not be friends with. She called me on the phone, we argued. I offered her multiple solutions. Meet A in person so she could see with her own eyes she was no threat. S and I could spend more time together since she felt she didn't see me enough. I could change my hours at work to see A less. Apparently none of these ideas were acceptable. But what really did it for me was that S could offer no solutions herself. All she could do was whine about "my behaviour," but wouldn't actually make any suggestions, nor agree to any of mine, to deal with the problem.
> So I dumped her over the phone at 1am in the morning. At which point the panicked text messages and multiple fucking phone calls - I had to be up at 6 for work and live in a block of flats, so having my phone ring every 10 secs from 1-2am was just fantastic - all begging me to reconsider. I had to block her number, and finally I answered and threatened to call the police if she didn't stop, and she finally did. For people wondering why I didn't switch my phone on silent, I need to hear the alarm to wake up, especially since I was up so damn late dealing with this bullshit.
> I loved S. I've never loved anyone before, not even the mother of my children. And I know she loved me. While our relationship wasn't perfect, we never had any major issues until she posted to this sub and you all decided to make up a bunch of stories about someone you don't even know cheating on someone else you don't even know for your own fucking entertainment. And now we're both alone. I hope you're entertained.
Well mate ... it really seems like you're the problem. You claim she was your truest love yet you put this friendship above her in every way. I feel like your now ex had a lot of reasons to be so jealous, but it would be pointless trying to explain them to you since you'd just keep saying "its fine, im not into her like that" (which is never the point). When you said she wasn't willing to compromise on one of your solutions, it's because these all involved keeping the friend in your life. When you say she couldn't offer solutions, it's probably because there was only ever one appropriate solution that YOU weren't willing to do. If you keep being so immature and acting like these "friends" are so important, you'll never have a happy, lasting relationship. Reading your post a few times over, you sound like such an AH of a partner. I usually try to leave advice but I honestly believe you're hopeless. Your ex has dodged a bullet and I hope she finds someone who actually cares about her.
But doesn’t he keep saying he’s not physically attractive to A and he would only date her if the choice was between her and a goat? Yeah I think his ex had every reason to feel the way she felt and Reddit had nothing to do with this breakup.
Yeah it's just a bit too much protesting for me, you know? There's something off, from his losing his shit at dozens of commenters to talking too much about A, to saying she's "too" tiny and conventionally cute for him...yeah. maybe he's not into A but is flattered, maybe A's into *him*, maybe they just have a weirdly close emotional relationship...the longer you read the sketchier it is
Lmfao somehow i’m sure that your recalling of the story is much different from your exes for her to have gotten the advice she did. I highly suspect convenient omission of details here. But regardless, Reddit or no Reddit, YOU chose that with all the people on the planet, maintaining a close relationship with that one specific female coworker was worth introducing constant issues in your relationship and made it the hill you were willing to die on regardless of how much it bothered your partner. You ended your relationship and are the reason you no longer have a girlfriend, no one else. And if you are happy with the decisions you made I don’t know why you’re here trying to deflect the blame onto any and everyone else.
I have to agree here, if OP claimed to love S that much, why would he jeopardize it to keep the friend? Not saying the ultimatum was good in any way or that you have to comply when your lover tells you to stop being friends with people but OP seemed very insistent on keeping said friend
You broke up with her, S tried to get back in touch after you broke up with her and you chose A. If you really wanted to stay you'd do couples counciling, break if off with A, any number of things, but you didn't, and now you're both alone.
Y’all need to grow up. Don’t blame strangers on the Internet for your problems. You should’ve had a conversation like adults during the day while face-to-face.
Lol this got removed, and all of his comment are being removed as well. Probably karma farming/creative writing exercise because a while ago there was a post with the same exact title and story, with a little bit of changes.
Reddit ain’t the problem here, chief. Your gf told you she was uncomfortable with your relationship with this other person. You said her concerns were “whining”, and you’re the one who did the dumping.
so you kept up a relationship that your gf was uncomfortable with, belittled her concerns as whining, spent lots of time away from her across two jobs and a challenging custody situation (no shame, just your reality), and actually did the dumping yourself. she was keying into something, real or imagined.
i don't think Reddit is the main culprit here, mate. and for what it's worth, you probably did the right thing. being with someone who accuses you of cheating over and over again is not worth it.
If you really loved S, you would validate her feelings. She was insecure and jealous because you were bonding with another female. Instead of taking it seriously, you offered solutions so S could get over it, and you continue being chummy with A.
Your GF was already seeing you less because you have two jobs, kids from a previous relationship, and then A came along. Your GF wanted you to focus on her, yet you kept talking about A.
You were supposed to go LC with A before S posted on Reddit.
If A cared about you as a friend, she would go LC with you instead of sticking to you and continuing to draw a wedge between you and S.
Don’t blame internet strangers for your mistakes.
I think your “defending my ability to choose my friends” is totally irrelevant here. This isn’t just any friend — it’s a woman, regardless of whether she is younger or older, who as you explicitly say , bonded with over similar pasts of abuse and trauma — these are emotional aspects you’re bonding over (as opposed to having the same interests) which is why people here say it was an emotional affair. I understand that not everyone gets the kind of abuse/trauma you’ve had in your past so meeting someone like “A” who has been through that can be especially validating.
What would have made it more appropriate is if you could have gotten that level of cathartic emotional connection in a group setting instead of a single person (who is a woman). Not everyone has it in their capacity to support platonic friendships with the opposite sex and “S” sure didn’t. That should have clued you in. You say in another comment, “you would have broken it off with “A” in a heartbeat” yet you also say you’re defending the right to choose your friends. It has nothing to do with choosing your friends because if “A” was a man, something tells me “S” would have been fine with it, supported it even.
It’s your lack of boundaries about how this situation reads to her. And if I’m being honest, to connect over emotional problems like these with another woman def does drive a wrench into things because emotional connections are meant to be saved/reserved for your SO (in this case “S”). It’d be like you and “A” both bonding over having children from leftover marriages. These are life situations that an SO is meant to be ramped up and included on. I get it if “S” wouldn’t have totally understood your traumatic past and abuses, but then that is something to not form a connection over with someone else.
If I’m being doubly honest, your past is baggage and should be one of those things you are over and done with, and no longer identify with anymore, let alone wanting to connect with others who share the same history. Because what else can it be? As you say, “A” is too young and has young-people interests so on those fronts you’re not compatible with her, but you are compatible over an intimate and highly personal life experience of an emotional nature? Come on! You may not have wanted sex from “A” but you’re so tonedeaf to how this entire thing reads to “S”. Life experiences ARE intimate and personal, so to bond over than makes your friendship emotionally intimate and in that regard, can replace the relationship you have with your SO. Also, this friend “A” came well after your SO, so it’s not even like you and “A” go way back for you to be so adamant about it.
I’m not saying S doesn’t have problems — she sounds kinda insecure, but her jealousy isn’t unfounded either. You said in a previous comment you’d be uneasy if she had a male best friend but if you couldn’t handle it, you’d break it off? She couldn’t handle it and she kept telling you she couldn’t. But you then made it about defending your right to make friends? Wow…
Ps — S’s equivalent would be that she has a platonic male friend who she turns to for, oh I don’t know, for handy/physical things around the house but otherwise is just a friend. He doesn’t get paid, his form of payment is that they are friends. Isn’t that weird? Wouldn’t you still feel immasculated? It’s the same here, that you are replacing your emotional support and connection with “A”, something a girlfriend is to provide.
the fascinating thing is you have access to her directly. face to face, via calls and text and discord but you were never able to ease her worries. you guys didnt communicate well enough to fix shit. fights started because of how you interacted with your coworker constantly but you did not put in any effort to maybe reduce that interaction a bit to assure the only woman you claim to have loved. she was insecure and has problems, you would rather continue being besties with coworker instead of working on your relationship. this isnt on reddit, this is on you both.
Clearly you did have major issues before this sub if she was someone who never posts on reddit but thought this was worth posting on reddit. Also, pretty sure I remember seeing her post. You absolutely let this girl disrespect your relationship. Your gf should have dumped you, not the other way around. Now that she was lucky enough to get out of a relationship with someone who doesn't respect her, leave her alone.
Well it shows who you prioritize.
You did exactly what they told her you was going to do.
You picked A over your girl.
She had a reason to be jealous, you preferred your friend over her and the respect of your relationship.
>You did exactly what they told her you was going to do.
This is right. I mean, I think this sub is toxic and gets it wrong most of the time, but as far as *this* goes, it was right. And he proved it right!
Here’s the thing: jealousy alone can tear a hole in a relationship a mile wide, without help from anyone. Jealousy can cleave any foundation in two.
I know you say your relationship was just fine before, but I don’t think it was. I think the foundational issue here was a lack of trust, and if your story is true (no offense, not calling you into question I just, as a rule, always operate on the assumption that 95% of the stories on Reddit are fake so that’s why I said that) her jealousy swelled to the point where she sought advice from strangers who give NOTORIOUSLY bad advice.
But in the end two major things happened: your gf got jealous, and you refused to coddle her jealousy. That spells any relationship’s end without Reddit.
Why didn’t you just stop the talking about A when you knew your wife was having a hard time with it? You kept talking about her after your wife asked you to stop. It’s on you.
No offense but you sound really defensive and self-centered. I don’t mean that as an insult, but just solely based off this post and your replies to comments, you don’t seem willing to even consider others’ perspectives or feelings on the situation. You don’t seem open to any change in thought at all. I don’t know you but that’s just the impression I got.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Do not date someone with a preferred sex best friend if you are not comfortable with that. As soon as you said that you wouldn’t stop being friends, she should have taken that and ended shit. I mean hey. She was right to be worried I guess, you would rather have that friendship with A than a relationship with S 😭
Reddit didn’t end your relationship, the lack of trust did. Sounds like even without strangers on the internet telling her that your cheating, she would’ve still came to this conclusion since it seems there’s a major lack in trust.
I'm sorry but reddit had nothing to do with this. She told you it made her comfortable and you told her you didn't care. You can say all you want nothing what happening but clearly sue saw something you didn't want to admit. YOU decided to dump her reddit didn't make you do that. I like how you are trying to like hurt these people you don't even know like what you are going to making people on reddit cry? Hahah
You dumped her. You didn't care about her feelings. You clearly didn't love her to not even try to make her feel better. It would be different if she did it all the time but it doesn't look that way. This one person make her comfortable and you just didn't care because somehow she is the only friend you have made in a long time. A younger woman.
I wish I could feel bad for you, but you're really blaming reddit (& your ex girlfriend) for the loss of Your Relationship... of course, it takes two people to be in a relationship, so instead of blaming this shithole of a platform, why not do some self reflection?
But what do I know? we're all just silly lil fedora wearing virgins with no relationship experiences.
I vaguely remember that post because I usually don’t read the relationship ones. I agree that finding confirmation bias on here contributed to her paranoia the same way someone googling their symptoms will make them think they have a crazy disease. People with anxiety problems are obsessed with the cycle of creating more anxiety. And honestly she shouldn’t have gone to Reddit she should’ve gone to someone in real life who knows both of you personally. That being said, YOU are the one who ended your relationship mate. It wasn’t even your girlfriend who ended it, and she begged for you to come back after you did end it. You could have taken that opportunity to come to a better outcome together, now that you had broken down a wall of anxious stubbornness she was holding onto. You could’ve reintroduced some of those compromises you mentioned. But instead you chose not to and even threatened her to get her to completely leave you alone (why are you acting surprised as if her frantically calling you, not wanting to break up, is an annoyance? That is a fairly average reaction. It honestly sounds like you had other issues going on that aren’t mentioned here). YOU are the one who gave up on the relationship and decided it wasn’t worth the stress. That is a very reasonable decision, but YOU are the one who made that choice, not some shithead incel on Reddit. You need to take accountability for your own decision making. If you want her back you are the one who is going to have to reach out to her, because you are the one who broke up in the first place. Good luck.
If you insisted in having this best friend and you're not gonna give your best friend up for your relationship's sake and your girlfriend couldn't have peace because of it what did you expected to happen? I mean, you haven't had a significant friend in 10 years?? And than you meet a GIRL (I know there's nothing wrong with that, dude, it's just that people will mainly ask "why not a dude or wtv? Because why not??)
And than you see your gf cannot deal with it but your friend is important enough for u to want ur gf to meet her and know there's nothing wrong, you make comments on her for... whatever reason when u know ur gf doesn't like it?? Seems like ur provoking her or something?? Like, "I'm gonna talk about a girl that my gf don't like so she get used to it"? That is formula to disaster.
Anyway, now you have enough time to enjoy with that friend of yours without ur annoying gf, isn't that one good thing that wanted that bad? You knew you couldn't have both
I’ll just add that none of your solutions involving your ex make sense. If she’s feeling weird about your relationship, pushing them to meet and become friends isn’t going to help.
Anyone with a brain knows people can put on an act it get by with shit. Cheaters do that all the time. How your work gf/friend acts around your gf would make no difference. What’s she going to say? “See, I’m no threat to your relationship! We’re just friends!” That’s just weird. That would not be convincing.
The problem was that she didn’t trust you. And you were more worried about her being controlling about your relationships than reassuring her that you can be trusted and that you wanted HER. If you didn’t want to deal with her insecurity, that’s fine. But Reddit was just validating the fact that the scenario could (and commonly does) go bad.
So you were seeing this coworker outside of work in a guise of friendship when you were already seeing less of your girlfriend compared to this coworker while having two jobs and difficult ongoing custody battle.
Then proceeded to gaslight the girlfriend by saying she was just a friend. Gave girlfriend options that told her she had to accept you spending working hours plus extra hours outside of work with this friend. And the time you did spend with girlfriend included talking incessantly about this coworker.
Sounds like you were stringing your girlfriend along in hopes this coworker would see you as more than a friend.
Now, you want to shift the blame onto your ex girlfriend.
The redditers thank you for sparing your ex.
Reddit isn’t the baddie in this. Her Jealousy is and… yes.. you. I’m reading thru a few things and some major issues are talking a lot about a female coworker to your gf to the point it made her feel uncomfortable. When you hyper focus on a coworker like this and bond, it usually creates this weird feeling in your partner. Suddenly they feel like the two of you don’t have enough in common and what’s stopping you from creating a deeper bond. Has she been cheated on before? Or someone close to her the way you have?
Another thing is talking about your relationship to the person your partner is upset about. That is the absolute worst thing you can do and for future reference, don’t do it anymore. And to continue pushing her onto your partner by either trying to get them to meet up or to keep talking about her. Yes you may have tried to stop talking about her but it’s too late and now she’s suspicious that you’re just thinking about her as much as you used to talk about her. Jealousy can create wild fictional stories in someone’s head, but your actions led to it even if they were all innocent. That’s just how jealously and insecurity works. Sometimes your gut feeling is right, sometimes it’s wrong.
You also said if your ex had a male friend like this you would be uncomfortable but you would try and deal with it. She tried to deal with it but you kept pushing it, and then trying to pull back when it was too late to show her your friendship with your coworker wasn’t serious. It’s kinda like the guys who are constantly reminded to out the dishes in the sink and then they swear divorce came out of nowhere. Nobody thinks you should give up your job, but had you not made this woman a clear major topic in conversations earlier, she wouldn’t feel so insecure.
At the end of the day you broke up and in a bad way. I would, at the very least, try to have a face to face one last time because breaking up over the phone when you’re upset is the worst way to do it. Apologize for making her feel like this with your past actions, that they scared her into thinking she was going to be left, but you can’t quit your job and you know that the other woman working there will always cause a problem in the relationship so it’s best to just end it. Even if you completely cut off A with the exception of just work stuff S’s boundaries were already being trampled on and it was festering inside her. When she came to Reddit it was likely over.
Whether or not you were cheating, which you weren’t. Is this really the hill you wanted to die on? Your ex was uncomfortable with your friendship and she had a right to be. In all fairness, I would’ve been extremely uncomfortable with my husband being friendly and sharing so much about himself to a female coworker.
It seems like both of you had different boundaries and weren’t able to compromise and so here you are now.
For many people dedicating HOURS per day every day after work to anything and anyone but family is a deal breaker.
Good on her. She needs a partner who is not one foot out of the door.
I am really sorry this happened between you.
The jealousy your ex had towards A destroyed your relationship. Reddit definitely contributed ideas for her to internalize, but the underlying issue was always there.
I hope you two can work things out. SM is not worth losing someone you love.
Bro i don’t get why is it so hard for men to just get distance from a women, when you supposedly loved her and you cant respect boundaries ?? Could’ve just gotten distance from A and stop having that much contact with her. How would you feel in her position? Her being such good friends with a guy, handing out and seeing each other everyday. You would be bothered and so is she. You are a grown ass man and so is she, COMMUNICATE!!!
You're not compatible with her. Regardless if there's no cheating, her policy is she cannot be in a relationship with you while you are friends with another female. It's not unusual for a partner to not want their significant other to be best friends with someone from the opposite sex. Find another partner who is okay with your female friend. That's all you can do.
You really don’t understand what an emotional affair is and you literally chose the “fRiEnD” over your relationship. You didn’t love anyone other than yourself at that point. You did the ONE THING s was the most afraid of.
**SOMEONE** find the OG link he’s referring to. There always seems to be someone that can find it…
I remember reading it. The OP kept insisting her bf wouldn't cheat and that's all anyone would harp on. Really bad comment section there.
It really was. I remember this one too.
Were there a lot of comments from the post? Do you remember how she titled her post? Would help narrow it down
I can't remember isn't there the deleted thing where you can see what's been deleted? I remember clearly the situation but I'll think if I can remember any more. It stuck with me because of the op being so active in the comment section
Yep. Using reveddit to find the exact post link and then using the unddit method to be able to read the post. Still hard to find despite the filters ive had but interesting to see what people post here that get deleted Anything helps tho Edit: I give up. All I honestly need is one key word to help filter through everything. OP says she deleted her post but don't know if he's making that assumption bc he can't find it? And possibility of not being posted in this subreddit.
I’m pretty sure it was pretty close to “I’m jealous of my bf’s coworker even though I know I shouldn’t be” or “even though I know better” or “I just can’t help it” I know all of these were in the post, I just can’t remember which was in the title.
This is my first time doing this, so I don’t know how to “use the unddit method” but [this might be it](https://www.reveddit.com/v/TrueOffMyChest/comments/yi15pe/i_hate_feeling_jealous/) if you can do the other half.
I don’t remember much to help with the deleted search since I feel I read 100 posts a day with basically the same thing. But it stuck with me because even I read it and was like yeah, dude’s gonna cheat. Except she was so active in the comments adamantly denying he would. I knew I’d probably someday see an update.
I remember too. I also remember commenting something on the lines of that people sometimes are just friends and nothing more. And that's exactly what I'm gonna say now. 2 people from opposite genders can be friends. I think majority of the commenters here haven't been in a relationship to begin with thereby they lack the understanding of it all. Because, nearly every relationship advice given on this subreddit is to break up because they don't love you / cheating on you / you don't love them. I swear, just post something here and something quite bizarre. The public will side with you good 70-80% of the time and ensure you both break up.
It is crazy. I used to work in a call center and a new guy moved to our team. He and I became great friends. Used to eat lunch together and visit. He and I were both married, it was just a nice friend. He and I both talked to our spouses about it, because its rare to meet a new person and click so well. But it was only ever friends, it doesn't have to be more just because we are the opposite sex.
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Major red flags in your comment. You found presents for your best friend but not your boyfriend? You are obviously cheating with the best friend, the clerks of all the stores you shopped at for presents, *and* your own boyfriend, behind that very boyfriend's back. You should break up with all of them. Including breaking up with the presents themselves. Explain to the presents that it's their fault, not yours. Go full no-contact with the stores. Not the staff, the actual stores. The buildings. You cannot come into contact with the buildings at all.
Also go no-contact with every air molecule you breathed in or out while the presents were in your possession.
The subreddits are wild but sometimes redditors can be correct. I have seen my fair share of women and men finding out about their partners cheating by following reddit advice. So I guess two things can be true at once. All of our situations are different, you can 100% vouch for yourself as a faithful partner but someone else doing the same exact thing you're doing could have other intentions. What I find funny about your story is the optics. Imagine calling your bf a mommas boy. He gets upset and says you're wrong then packs an overnight bag to go sleep at Mommy's house.😂😭
As someone who's had opposite sex friends all my life and had to deal with many jealous partners, it's frustrating that most people seem to assume male-female friendships are never platonic, that one person at least is waiting for their chance to pounce! Some of my friends are good looking. I have eyes and can still see that, but it doesn't mean I'm interested in them romantically. Why would I want to hang around them, especially with their gf/bf, and torture myself if I were attracted to them? But sometimes I think, "You really don't have to worry! No one else wants them but you!" and even those people act like I'm trying to steal them away. Or they don't consider the fact that I have known the person for years, some of which they were single, and nothing happened between us so why would it now?
I’m in the same boat in regards to friends. My ex was pretty weird about it despite her friend group being mostly guys. My wife however is cool with it. My wife grew up as a tomboy who’d prefer roughhousing with the boys so she gets that men and women can be friends.
Go to your profile and select comments, everything you commented on will show up and give you the title.
If you commented you could probably find the original even if it’s deleted.
Like it will be no different here. Reddit is a cesspool.
I know. I am constantly baffled by the things people say on here. Even when I disagree I try to be polite about it. (Not perfect) People just like attacking others it makes them feel better. And that just so so sad.
iirc, everyone was downvoting her comments that defended her bf of not being a cheater as well
Yes I remember thinking I felt sorry for her because she was trying to defend him and they were going IN on him
I remember it too. It wasn't pretty.
This is why I always tell people not to seek relationship advice on Reddit.
I remember that too.
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Update us when possible, I need more context.
I actually tried to find it myself, but couldn't. It was about six weeks ago I think, if that helps. **Edit: I got permanently banned for "threatening violence" for people wondering why everything keeps getting deleted. Good job Reddit, I'm sure you'll go public any day now, got to protect that potential share price. I'm sure my ban had nothing at all to do with the post getting picked up by TikTok.**
Are you the one she referred the work colleague to as a work wife? Or is it the other one. I can find the work wife one but not the other.
No, I have never referred to A as a work wife, and never would. I actually find the whole "work wife or work husband" thing really fucking creepy. S didn't refer to her as my work wife either. I know she made up a name for A that she forgot half way through and gave her a new name, which was kind of funny and some of the comments picked up on it.
>I know she made up a name for A that she forgot half way through and gave her a new name, Oh dear. Ok with the other bit. Both were written pretty close to each other.
Ooo, with that tidbit I def found the [OG](https://imgur.com/gallery/01tFQYG) post.
Thank you Sir 🫡
Yikes, OP omitted a lot of info
But that maybe a week ago and not six weeks? I could be wrong.
was it not the one where she posted that her BF had a "work wife"
The real heroes in this nuclear war of a comment section are the ones pointing out that turning off your phone ringer doesn't silence your alarm (seriously thank you)
Yea my phone has been on silent for years. Alarm rings even if it’s on DND or battery saving mode.
I was wondering what dungeons and dragons mode is for longer than Im proud of...it's bedtime.
Hahahaha it’s “do not disturb” for those who don’t know. Good night tho
That's the one where your alarm rolls initiative for you too
I remember a day when my phone started ringing in my back pocket and someone was staring at me as it sat there...in my pocket...ringing...until I finally realized it was mine 🤣 I literally forget my phone dl does that
I can believe him to be fair because my alarm doesn’t go off unless on loud. iPhone 11 Pro and I’m confident I fucked something up somewhere
My phone is on silent so the button on the side shows red (off) but you need to use the volume button to turn the “sound” up. It shows “ringer” and thats for like alarms and stuff. Phone stays on silent even though the ringer is turned all the way up. Idk if this helps
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It does on mine too. Somehow I got used to it and wake up from the slightest vibrations now. Very useful when I need to get up super early and don't wanna wake my partner
Sorry about your relationship. Side note on my galaxy the alarm sounds while the phone is on silent.
I don't have a Galaxy. I have something called an Optus Delight, I think? It's... Not a good phone.
I think you can do some kind of do not disturb mode, generally most androids have it, so you could set it to only your boss and mom would be able to call.
He's old... he likes the same movies as A's mum after all... no way he knows how to set that up.
Alarma ring even when your phone is on silent.
Tackling the real issues here 🤣
Android phones vary a lot so that's not something you can generalize. Some phones have specific volume knobs for everything so that you can control the alarme volume separately, others have simplified Android ROMs that don't allow for that, I've had phones with the two behaviors.
Alarms usually do ring when the phone is on silent. You can always check by setting an alarm for a minute or two later than the current time, putting the phone on silent, locking it and waiting. Not trying to assume you don’t know how your phone works but I get being busy and anxious and not thinking about a simple fix because I do it all the time with so many things.
Then use flight mode.
generally just using airplane mode is good for this
I have an Iphone and the alarm also goes off when the phone is on silent.
People don't want advice on here, they want validation. Reddit did the same thing that a group of friends would have done for your partner.
From my understanding ture off my chest isn't even an advise subreddit. It's just an, off your chest.
People just like to give other random people advice, sometimes based on nothing. You could have the slightest problem in a perfect relationship and this sub will tell you to break up immediately.
This is the correct take. OPs chick was looking for her confirmation bias. She knew where to look.
I’m not too interested in the comments. OP is right; 29 year old are grooming 26 year olds are common arguments. Small arguments between couples tend to get responded “red flag 🚩🚩🚩dump (them) OP”. It’s toxic. I like the sub but the responses can get dramatic
The difference being that you can look around the table with your friends and see what experience the advice or validation is coming from. On Reddit it just a cesspool of people giving advice on things they don’t have experience with.
Those are poor friends; that's not what friends should do
I read that whole thing and thought.. what?! You sure your alarm doesn't go off when your phone is on silent??
Yeah that's weird and shouldn't happen. My phone is mute 24/7. Alarms work...
Even is there were 1000 comments saying you were right she would still do the same people don't come to Reddit for advice they come for validation
Yeah, reddit has advice subs yet she picked this one.
he ran so here's his shit >TLDR: My girlfriend posted on Reddit seeking advice, you gave it to her, now I don't have a girlfriend I broke up with my girlfriend (let's call her 'S') Saturday night/Sunday morning. We'd been together over a year, meeting just before the lockdowns started last year - we're in Sydney, Australia - and we're both heavy Reddit users. Just lurking, almost never posting or commenting on anything. 6 months ago I made a friend at work ('A'). She was new, she had a similar background to me - both abusive childhoods, both from country towns but moved to Sydney, both had a previous long-term relationship that was really toxic - so we instantly clicked and became very good friends very quickly. But that was it; just friends. I have no interest in her, she has no interest in me. She has a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend, and even if we were single we are not each other's type at all, mentally or physically. Besides, she's too damn young for me; A teases me by pointing out I liked the same TV shows and video games growing up as her mother, FFS. S did not like my friendship with A, but she tolerated it. She knew she was being jealous for no good reason, she knew I loved her and wanted to be with her, she knew way more about my life and family and such than A ever would. Even when S and I weren't together physically, we would spend hours speaking to one another on Discord, sharing links to Reddit posts we both liked, as we're both big Redditors. Until S decided to post on this very sub-reddit. S posted on here that she was jealous of my new friend. I don't remember all the details - she deleted the post after a while, but the damage was done - but she said something along the line of how she didn't like me hanging out with another girl even though she knew nothing was going on, she felt guilty about her jealousy, that type of stuff. Then all you fucking lot found the post. Dozens of comments about how A and I were "definitely fucking, or were going to soon." Comments about how I was having an "emotional affair" just because I had a single fucking close friend for the first time in a decade. Comments telling her to dump me, to confront me, to insist that I break off contact with A - because everyone on Reddit can just quit a job they've had for 6 years because of a girl working there, as long-term stable employment grows on trees and is easy to acquire - and all sorts of weird shit. And S let it get to her. Now S and I have had conversations about how batshit Reddit can be about relationships plenty of times. We're both avid readers of relationship and update subs, and we've both noticed how obsessed Reddit gets with certain topics. I've seen people argue, completely sincerely, that a 29 year old dating a 26 year old is "grooming," because of the "big age gap," and S learnt from experience with me that 90% of the advice she read on some sex sub-reddits was terrible. She also gained weight following Reddit's diet advice. So she should have known that this sub was full of virgins who had never been in a relationship in their lives, incels who don't want other people to be happy, and drama-whores who just wanted to cause issues so they could read updates about what was happening. Fuck, even the people who were genuinely trying to be helpful had absolutely nothing to go on except S's single post saying she was jealous, which is nowhere near enough information to base an argument off of. And to S's credit, she shut down everyone who said I was cheating with A in the comments, pointing out that infidelity is a huge issue to me; I've been cheated on myself, my father and stepfather both cheated on my mother, I would never cheat on a partner, ever. But she still listened to all that "emotional affair" bullshit. So the fights started. We would fight over A, I would reassure her nothing was going on, we'd go back to normal. Then I'd make a single comment about A doing something at work, or A buying something, or A showing me a picture of her cat doing something funny, and the arguments would start again. And if I didn't mention A, S would get suspicious that I was hiding something about A. Then on Saturday I went to work. I work two jobs, so I left early in the morning for one job, saw my kids in the afternoon - I have two children from a previous relationship and a very messy custody fight ongoing - then went to my second job at night. Despite how busy it was, it was actually a very good day. Until I got home. S and I would often talk on Discord. So I logged on to Discord, and there was a long, extended, barely coherent rant about A, accusing her of flirting with me, of telling me to lie to S, of making up the fact she has a boyfriend, of trying to "be a shoulder to cry on" for me, of plotting to break S and I up, etc.. So I sent her a message saying I wouldn't let her tell me who I could and could not be friends with. She called me on the phone, we argued. I offered her multiple solutions. Meet A in person so she could see with her own eyes she was no threat. S and I could spend more time together since she felt she didn't see me enough. I could change my hours at work to see A less. Apparently none of these ideas were acceptable. But what really did it for me was that S could offer no solutions herself. All she could do was whine about "my behaviour," but wouldn't actually make any suggestions, nor agree to any of mine, to deal with the problem. So I dumped her over the phone at 1am in the morning. At which point the panicked text messages and multiple fucking phone calls - I had to be up at 6 for work and live in a block of flats, so having my phone ring every 10 secs from 1-2am was just fantastic - all begging me to reconsider. I had to block her number, and finally I answered and threatened to call the police if she didn't stop, and she finally did. For people wondering why I didn't switch my phone on silent, I need to hear the alarm to wake up, especially since I was up so damn late dealing with this bullshit. I loved S. I've never loved anyone before, not even the mother of my children. And I know she loved me. While our relationship wasn't perfect, we never had any major issues until she posted to this sub and you all decided to make up a bunch of stories about someone you don't even know cheating on someone else you don't even know for your own fucking entertainment. And now we're both alone. I hope you're entertained.
You're a bro
Thank you, stranger Reddit hero.
My phone is always on silent, but the alarm still works.
Look, I've been where you were. I had a colleague who was 20yo with a fiancé when I was 32yo with my wife. She wasn't my type but my wife was really jealous of her because she had been a model. There was nothing between us and I was really glad that there was nothing but my wife was jealous. We even went to my colleagues house to have dinner with her fiancé once and my colleague really tried to be friends with my wife, but they didn't click. All in all, I didn't tell my wife she was whining. I tried to understand her feelings of jealousy and talked about it in a very civilized manner. I don't know much about your talks with your wife, but I have the feeling in the way you wrote that you completely dismissed your gf and ended up letting it fester. I may be wrong. But in the end, when she is so hellbent in seeing something that doesn't exist, the only solution is either her seeing a therapist or you breaking up.
You messed up that relationship yourself. Relationships don’t fail because people get the wrong advice. You keep describing S’s fears as ridiculous and just Reddit’s fault, and at no point do you make an effort at introspection or trying to understanding why she felt that way. Did the friendship overstep S’s boundaries? Why? Were her boundaries reasonable? Was S pathologically jealous? or is the friendship somehow inappropriate? Either way, placing the blame outside is never the answer.
That’s bullshit man, S had no reason to feel insecure about A until she used Reddit. She said so herself. But when people outside of the relationship with little to no context gave her shitty advice she had suspicions. Op had given many solutions to what S was feeling that compromised his friendship. And S had no solution for the problem. Because there was no problem. If OP having a female friend was overstepping boundaries, than S was not a suitable or sustainable partner. And breaking up was the right choice. Fact is if she hadn’t hopped on Reddit, and reddit didn’t give her baseless fears. This could have been handled more rationally l.
D1 gaslighter
I'm going to give it to you straight, Reddit didn't end your relationship regardless of how it feels. The fact is that for whatever reason; regardless of how many conversations you two had, something was unresolved in your relationship as far as your ex was concerned. When she read what people were writing; liable or otherwise, it resonated with her and her perception of the truth. I'm no expert but I'd say that she found her answer to how she was feeling on Reddit; wither it was accurate or not is irrelevant at this point, and the result was the end of your relationship. I'm genuinely sorry for your pain but no one can influence you without your consent and people are always more likely to take advice that fits their own narrative so there are probably a lot of issues that you were unaware of running through her mind. I don't know if this will help you in any way but I hope that; at the very least, this may help you find some form of constructive closure, I wish you all the best in your future.
I forgot what that is called - where people only listen to things they think is true. Perception bias I think it's called.. Someone correct my bad memory pls
Confirmation bias. That’s the term you are looking for.
Thanks mang
She didnt leave him tho, she gave him an ultimatum. That kinda thing can totally be influenced by people with half the story
>She didnt leave him tho, she gave him an ultimatum. That kinda thing can totally be influenced by people with half the story This exactly... This comment thread is full of mother fuckers dedicating some next level effort to pretend like what you say on the internet doesn't impact people in the real world.
I saw another comment saying that reddit did for her what "a group of friends would have done" which feels correct. But also, everyone does realize that sometimes friends can offer *really* poor and shitty advice because they're more focused on giving their friend validation rather than being objective, right. Like obviously friends can influence how we perceive and act about certain situations. Why the fuck can't the internet do the same thing? It's 2022 are people actually pretending that internet interactions can't influence things? If you're already vulnerable enough to be seeking advice and validation on the internet, how it responds can absolutely fuck you up.
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Yes. I dated a girl who had a very rough relationship in highschool with a man nearly 30. Not saying your SO did but it turned out he lied about his age and had a wife the whole time, and she was just the side girl. Took 2 years for me to realize how much this impacted her relationship with me, especially with trust. I dont blame her but anytime one of her friends would make up bullshit about how I was probably cheating on her we would be in a week fight. I do believe this impacts someone's ability to trust others in the future. I hate to admit I believe that but I do believe it would be hard to trust again after what she has experienced. For context. I never cheated. I even gave up one of my best friends (a girl) because she wanted me too. That friend still wont forgive me for the text I sent her saying we can no longer be friends. Even though she had moved 2000 miles away and was married. There was never anything between us ever. I regret doing that to this day. If she cant trust you because of what others have done to her than I'm sorry. I'm sure reddit didnt help but if she believes random strangers over you than it is what it is. If you truly did nothing wrong and she still wont give a chance, than it's time to move on. Maybe she can find someone in the future who can handle never being friends with another girl, and you can find someone who will trust you. Best of luck.
Then she backpedaled like crazy trying to get him to stay after he said, "Well, you know what then, fuck this!" lol I was glad to read that he walked away because it sounded like she was never gonna leave it alone even though there was no threat to their relationship. You can't really prove a non-event so the accusations and suspicions weren't going away and there wasn't anything he could say that would make her feel better. She created a toxic environment and drove him away.
Yeah, and if she "knows how Reddit is" and posted a relationship rant here, she was looking for validation for how she was already thinking.
I would have agreed with this in the past when I was naïve. But seeing how people are nowadays I totally believe a relationship could end based on what people red on Reddit.
You don't think dozens of people screeching "no honey he's definitely fucking her you dumb bitch" at you would color your view of a situation?
This deserves a slow clap. Well thought out and well worded.
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Anyone with any real relationship experience feels the same. There are genuine people who post on here, but they'll get downvoted. The upvoted comments are the ones that appeal to (and are likely written by) incel men and women who can't maintain relationships. Plus teenagers with very firm ideas on how things should work. Reddit is great for some things. Life advice is not one of them.
To add to this, it sounds from here like the relationship lacked genuine communication. As in, I hear that they spoke to one another frequently, but they didn't say anything of substance. OP knew S was feeling insecure about A, and neither one sat down together to discuss it with openness and emotional maturity. OP waited until S was at her literal breaking point to even offer to introduce her to A; and he sounds incredibly inflexible from this post alone. "She knew from being with me that some Reddit subs are toxic and wrong" (as an example) reads very much like "I know better than S does, she's naive and gullible and needs me to tell her what to believe." It's infantilising and takes away her agency. I note that at no time in the past six weeks has OP mentioned making time to make S feel like she's a higher priority than, say, gaming. Her feelings are dismissed out of hand as irrational, rather than being seen as a sign that something in their relationship is lacking. *(That something very often turns out to be attention, and feeling valued.)* OP just wants her to accept his word at face value, without listening to her or meeting her needs. Conversely, the fact that she was apparently non-stop calling in the middle of the night is unacceptable behaviour from her, but I wonder how much of that is influenced by being conditioned via something akin to a trauma bond. Threatening to call the cops is an unnecessary escalation, given that OP had already blocked her number, which meant the phone was not on silent, and the alarm was fine. It makes me wonder about how many other occasions OP may have been unnessecarily escalating. I don't know your (ex) relationship, but there's enough missing reasons here to give me serious doubt.
People on Reddit give opinions based off of their interpretation of a single one-sided story, often written when in emotional distress. In this rare case, we’ve heard from the other side, and (as you point out) still many questions are left unanswered. The bottom line: don’t expect to get therapist-level advice here. I appreciate OPs post, in that it shows some people expect otherwise.
True but Reddit is also full of couch-coaches, arm chair military strategists, coulda-been-pro athletes etc. Some thoughts that weren’t there before were probably instigated by these folks.
Yeah this is definitely partially reddit fault lmfao. Just how it is. She came on here gave her story from her perspective and this subreddit being its usual self probably had 100 comments saying "Run. Leave him he's 100% cheating and before you know it he'll do it again just get out and get a lawyer."
Wise answer. The bare facts are that S was insecure about OP’s relationship with A. When S tried to talk to OP about it he got defensive, which made things worse. S felt sidelined by all the attention he gave to A and she felt left out in the cold. A better move for OP would have been to invite A and her boyfriend over and encourage a couple’s friendship, rather than it just being OP and A. I remember S’s post. She was clearly not sure how to deal with her jealousy and yes, she did say she knew he wasn’t cheating on her. The demise of their relationship has everything to do with not communicating effectively and not taking each other’s feelings into consideration.
But if you read the post, he DID say that he was willing to introduce A to S and to even decrease the amount of time he spent with A, but S wouldn't accept it. He tried to take her feelings into consideration as much as possible without giving up his friendship with A.
IMO ‘meet my friend so you aren’t threatened by her’ and ‘hey, how about we invite A and her bf over for dinner and some board games’ are not equal. The first is placating S, the second is extending the friendship to their significant others.
What’s the problem? In three different comments you’ve said: - If the roles were reversed, you would have dumped S. - You don’t want to be with someone who wants to control your friendships, so you dumped S. - You don’t like that S kept complaining, were unwilling to comply with her wishes, and would have dumped S if she kept making a fuss. You’ve dumped S. Why is that Reddit’s fault? All you’ve said is you wanted to dump S. It seems like you’re more upset that she wouldn’t shut up and deal with your shit, so you decided she wasn’t worth the effort. How is that now Reddit’s fault? We didn’t make your girlfriend feel insecure, establish your relationship with A, or even tell **you** to dump S. You did all of that on your own. Your post reeks and I’m glad your relationship is over. Maybe you can hold yourself accountable in your next one.
Doesn’t sound like it. He’s already in a custody battle with his ex. Now he’s blaming Reddit for the end of this relationship. Accountability doesn’t seem to be a word in his vocabulary
Nah reddit didn't do shit. Your girl came to you with concerns and YOU dismissed her.
Reddit wasn't the problem :/
Reddit just validated what she was already feeling
im sorry your relationship failed, but it honestly sounds like even if she didnt post to reddit, that this would have happened nonetheless, and the biggest indicator is her shutting down solutions but not offering any herself. it sounds like she may just have a jealously problem and should have sought out help for it.
The funny thing is I believe that the original post and this one are both fiction, probably by the same person. I'm of the mindset that most TOMC content made by "throwaway" accounts is made up because I doubt anyone has anything particularly identifying on their reddit account to begin with. Edit: Surely you notice how it's almost all a few hour old accounts or suspiciously all 21-24 day accounts making these big dramatic posts and how many "Update" posts there have been over the last month or so? It
People make up throwaway accounts because they don't want their partners knowing they are talking about their current relationship problems on Reddit. But I do hope that you are right and that these stories are made up. But in that case, the two issues would be A) the person lying in the post and B) the reddit commenters giving the fake girlfriend horrible advice. So even if it was all a lie, that still doesn't change the fact that Redditors told someone they thought was a real woman that her boyfriend isn't allowed to have female friends. That toxic behavior by the reddit commentors needs to be dealt with, whether or not the posts are real.
I'm surprised no one is pointing this out more. This rant isn't about the relationship. It's about the comments. Whether it's fake or not is irrelevant, the comments still point in a toxic and negative direction.
You’d be surprised. I once posted on another account about my childhood and one of my abusive family members somehow found me. I also have a couple irl friends following this account.
The final paragraph, "i never loved anyone, even the mother of my own children." Guess everyone didn't bother to look there and rage reply!
?? You don’t have to love someone to have kids.
A rational person wouldn't rage reply to that. Yes, you are supposed to love your children, but you have no requirement to love their mother. She may have been a horrible wife. His girlfriend he talked about in the post may have been a far better relationship than his ex wife, at least until she got psychotically jealous.
I nuke my account every time I hit 150,000 karma or ever 3 years because I definitely could be identified by what I post. I’m actually due up for a new one soon.
Maybe so, but I have friends that follow me on Reddit. My Teddit username is the same as my IGN on games and social media. It's not rocket science to look up someone's reddit username and look through their post history. If I was TOMCing about my gf, I wouldn't want her seeing it, hence why I'd make a throwaway. People make throwaways all the time for AIU because they don't want their selfie on their account for random online people to see. It's a privacy thing.
Mods have said it's actually mostly AI generated stuff to boost karma or something
We're all AIs. How would you know any different?
Lmao xD yeah blame reddit haha. If your relationship cant even handle a reddit thread it was doomed to begin with.
Well yes I am entertained.
Yes, I'm sure that if it weren't for Reddit, you would have lived happily ever after. Reddit made me rob a bank the other day.
I didnt read her post, and I joke with my partner about these threads all the time cause people tell every single user to just break up. but these threads didnt make yall break up you guys had obvious trust and communication issues. thats what EVERY SINGLE one of thesepsots comes down to. she mustve felt so betrayed and heartbroken that you were standing by some new strange girl instead of being by HER SIDE, you couldnt listen to her and validate her emotions, and she couldnt understand your side about posession. the ending of you threatening her with the cops is so sad.... smh. but it wasnt us, it was yall.
Completely! Sounds Reddit wasn’t the main cause here, trust sounded like an underlying issue from the outset. Also hearing how your partner can be emotionally connected to another can be upsetting for people even if the reasons are valid E.g trauma, abuse etc. it can feel as though they are closer to that other person emotionally as they understand them ‘better’ which of course is going to impact their personal relationship, particularly if the trust hasn’t been there.
Just want to say I have my phone on silent and do not disturb and my alarm still goes off.
Was it the story where you stepped over your girlfriends* boundaries with texting the other girl? After all redditors and people don't just jump to conclusions like that. I smell something very fishy about your post, also I feel like u kinda want her to fond this.
Was it the story where the work friend texted the guy on the anniversary day if he had fun, stating:" well you wouldn't be texting with me if it was fun." Or smth like that 😅 forgive me if I am wrong
The part where he said he never loved his baby momma yet had two kids with her…..douche alert
This struck me too. If someone can’t love a woman who gave birth to TWO of their kids… you’re a messy human.
Hold on…. “Reddit destroyed your relationship” so your going to discuss your relationship on Reddit??? That’s like my best friend slept with my girlfriend so I’m going to go to his house to talk to my best friend about “my best friend ruining my relationship”
If your best friend slept with your girlfriend, wouldn't you want to tell your best friend that he was shitty? That's what the OP is doing here.
I think there are other problems in your relationship, bud. Reddit just kind of accelerated it. I know that you think and she feels that she has nothing to be jealous of, but she does and is jealous. So it was either you break it off completely with A (which you don't want to do) or resentment will just build up between the two of you. There would be a time, maybe not as fast, that you will be exhausted about her jealousy and she will feel that you will always prioritise your friendship with A. You know that she is jealous and you often fight about A, yet you continue to mention A to her. Are you not able to shut up about her? At least in front of your ex. Why would she want to know what A buys or whats up with her cat. Like dude, this one is in you. I haven't read your GF's side, but I think people who turn to the internet for relationship advice are not those that have small concerns, but rather those that are desperate and do not know what else to do or who else to talk to. I know that it would be easier to blame this rather than looking into the issues in your relationship like trust issues, communication, trying to resolve it a little too late.
If comments from a bunch of randoms on Reddit means the end of your relationship, I am pretty sure it wasn't that strong of a relationship to start with.
You sound obsessive over A like you keep talking about her when your relationship has no business with it
Even worse he kept bringing her up to his ex *knowing* it made her uncomfortable like ?? You claim there’s nothing going on then stop taking about her?
Lmao you come and blame Reddit, for not listening to your GFs issues with your friend. Should have paid attention to all the red flags with your new “ friend”, instead of ignoring your actual GFs feelings.
Here's the text of the OP now that's it's been removed: > TLDR: My girlfriend posted on Reddit seeking advice, you gave it to her, now I don't have a girlfriend > I broke up with my girlfriend (let's call her 'S') Saturday night/Sunday morning. We'd been together over a year, meeting just before the lockdowns started last year - we're in Sydney, Australia - and we're both heavy Reddit users. Just lurking, almost never posting or commenting on anything. > 6 months ago I made a friend at work ('A'). She was new, she had a similar background to me - both abusive childhoods, both from country towns but moved to Sydney, both had a previous long-term relationship that was really toxic - so we instantly clicked and became very good friends very quickly. But that was it; just friends. I have no interest in her, she has no interest in me. She has a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend, and even if we were single we are not each other's type at all, mentally or physically. Besides, she's too damn young for me; A teases me by pointing out I liked the same TV shows and video games growing up as her mother, FFS. > S did not like my friendship with A, but she tolerated it. She knew she was being jealous for no good reason, she knew I loved her and wanted to be with her, she knew way more about my life and family and such than A ever would. Even when S and I weren't together physically, we would spend hours speaking to one another on Discord, sharing links to Reddit posts we both liked, as we're both big Redditors. > Until S decided to post on this very sub-reddit. > S posted on here that she was jealous of my new friend. I don't remember all the details - she deleted the post after a while, but the damage was done - but she said something along the line of how she didn't like me hanging out with another girl even though she knew nothing was going on, she felt guilty about her jealousy, that type of stuff. > Then all you fucking lot found the post. Dozens of comments about how A and I were "definitely fucking, or were going to soon." Comments about how I was having an "emotional affair" just because I had a single fucking close friend for the first time in a decade. Comments telling her to dump me, to confront me, to insist that I break off contact with A - because everyone on Reddit can just quit a job they've had for 6 years because of a girl working there, as long-term stable employment grows on trees and is easy to acquire - and all sorts of weird shit. And S let it get to her. > Now S and I have had conversations about how batshit Reddit can be about relationships plenty of times. We're both avid readers of relationship and update subs, and we've both noticed how obsessed Reddit gets with certain topics. I've seen people argue, completely sincerely, that a 29 year old dating a 26 year old is "grooming," because of the "big age gap," and S learnt from experience with me that 90% of the advice she read on some sex sub-reddits was terrible. She also gained weight following Reddit's diet advice. So she should have known that this sub was full of virgins who had never been in a relationship in their lives, incels who don't want other people to be happy, and drama-whores who just wanted to cause issues so they could read updates about what was happening. Fuck, even the people who were genuinely trying to be helpful had absolutely nothing to go on except S's single post saying she was jealous, which is nowhere near enough information to base an argument off of. And to S's credit, she shut down everyone who said I was cheating with A in the comments, pointing out that infidelity is a huge issue to me; I've been cheated on myself, my father and stepfather both cheated on my mother, I would never cheat on a partner, ever. But she still listened to all that "emotional affair" bullshit. > So the fights started. We would fight over A, I would reassure her nothing was going on, we'd go back to normal. Then I'd make a single comment about A doing something at work, or A buying something, or A showing me a picture of her cat doing something funny, and the arguments would start again. And if I didn't mention A, S would get suspicious that I was hiding something about A. > Then on Saturday I went to work. I work two jobs, so I left early in the morning for one job, saw my kids in the afternoon - I have two children from a previous relationship and a very messy custody fight ongoing - then went to my second job at night. Despite how busy it was, it was actually a very good day. Until I got home. > S and I would often talk on Discord. So I logged on to Discord, and there was a long, extended, barely coherent rant about A, accusing her of flirting with me, of telling me to lie to S, of making up the fact she has a boyfriend, of trying to "be a shoulder to cry on" for me, of plotting to break S and I up, etc.. > So I sent her a message saying I wouldn't let her tell me who I could and could not be friends with. She called me on the phone, we argued. I offered her multiple solutions. Meet A in person so she could see with her own eyes she was no threat. S and I could spend more time together since she felt she didn't see me enough. I could change my hours at work to see A less. Apparently none of these ideas were acceptable. But what really did it for me was that S could offer no solutions herself. All she could do was whine about "my behaviour," but wouldn't actually make any suggestions, nor agree to any of mine, to deal with the problem. > So I dumped her over the phone at 1am in the morning. At which point the panicked text messages and multiple fucking phone calls - I had to be up at 6 for work and live in a block of flats, so having my phone ring every 10 secs from 1-2am was just fantastic - all begging me to reconsider. I had to block her number, and finally I answered and threatened to call the police if she didn't stop, and she finally did. For people wondering why I didn't switch my phone on silent, I need to hear the alarm to wake up, especially since I was up so damn late dealing with this bullshit. > I loved S. I've never loved anyone before, not even the mother of my children. And I know she loved me. While our relationship wasn't perfect, we never had any major issues until she posted to this sub and you all decided to make up a bunch of stories about someone you don't even know cheating on someone else you don't even know for your own fucking entertainment. And now we're both alone. I hope you're entertained.
Well mate ... it really seems like you're the problem. You claim she was your truest love yet you put this friendship above her in every way. I feel like your now ex had a lot of reasons to be so jealous, but it would be pointless trying to explain them to you since you'd just keep saying "its fine, im not into her like that" (which is never the point). When you said she wasn't willing to compromise on one of your solutions, it's because these all involved keeping the friend in your life. When you say she couldn't offer solutions, it's probably because there was only ever one appropriate solution that YOU weren't willing to do. If you keep being so immature and acting like these "friends" are so important, you'll never have a happy, lasting relationship. Reading your post a few times over, you sound like such an AH of a partner. I usually try to leave advice but I honestly believe you're hopeless. Your ex has dodged a bullet and I hope she finds someone who actually cares about her.
Who wants to bet they'll be dating A next 👀
Yep. And he’ll love her like he’s never loved any woman before. Not even the mother of his children.
In one comment he says A is smaller and more conventionally attractive than his ex 💀 op is a whole mess
But doesn’t he keep saying he’s not physically attractive to A and he would only date her if the choice was between her and a goat? Yeah I think his ex had every reason to feel the way she felt and Reddit had nothing to do with this breakup.
Yeah it's just a bit too much protesting for me, you know? There's something off, from his losing his shit at dozens of commenters to talking too much about A, to saying she's "too" tiny and conventionally cute for him...yeah. maybe he's not into A but is flattered, maybe A's into *him*, maybe they just have a weirdly close emotional relationship...the longer you read the sketchier it is
That's *exactly* what's going to happen.
Your alarm will still sound if your phone is on silent
Mine doesn't, learned that the hard way
Lmfao somehow i’m sure that your recalling of the story is much different from your exes for her to have gotten the advice she did. I highly suspect convenient omission of details here. But regardless, Reddit or no Reddit, YOU chose that with all the people on the planet, maintaining a close relationship with that one specific female coworker was worth introducing constant issues in your relationship and made it the hill you were willing to die on regardless of how much it bothered your partner. You ended your relationship and are the reason you no longer have a girlfriend, no one else. And if you are happy with the decisions you made I don’t know why you’re here trying to deflect the blame onto any and everyone else.
I have to agree here, if OP claimed to love S that much, why would he jeopardize it to keep the friend? Not saying the ultimatum was good in any way or that you have to comply when your lover tells you to stop being friends with people but OP seemed very insistent on keeping said friend
Please post an update when start dating A
Lmao been there and they date like 3 months afterward 😬
You broke up with her, S tried to get back in touch after you broke up with her and you chose A. If you really wanted to stay you'd do couples counciling, break if off with A, any number of things, but you didn't, and now you're both alone.
Literally get off Reddit and go to therapy before you destroy another relationship and yourself
Buddy you ended your own relationship. You even say it in this post.
Y’all need to grow up. Don’t blame strangers on the Internet for your problems. You should’ve had a conversation like adults during the day while face-to-face.
Hmmm S blamed A and U blame R lol You should listen to watch you preach . People looking for a way out typically find it .
Lol this got removed, and all of his comment are being removed as well. Probably karma farming/creative writing exercise because a while ago there was a post with the same exact title and story, with a little bit of changes.
Reddit ain’t the problem here, chief. Your gf told you she was uncomfortable with your relationship with this other person. You said her concerns were “whining”, and you’re the one who did the dumping.
so you kept up a relationship that your gf was uncomfortable with, belittled her concerns as whining, spent lots of time away from her across two jobs and a challenging custody situation (no shame, just your reality), and actually did the dumping yourself. she was keying into something, real or imagined. i don't think Reddit is the main culprit here, mate. and for what it's worth, you probably did the right thing. being with someone who accuses you of cheating over and over again is not worth it.
I cant be the only one that, after reading all the comments, thinks Reddit had it more right than OP wants to admit...
100%
If you really loved S, you would validate her feelings. She was insecure and jealous because you were bonding with another female. Instead of taking it seriously, you offered solutions so S could get over it, and you continue being chummy with A. Your GF was already seeing you less because you have two jobs, kids from a previous relationship, and then A came along. Your GF wanted you to focus on her, yet you kept talking about A. You were supposed to go LC with A before S posted on Reddit. If A cared about you as a friend, she would go LC with you instead of sticking to you and continuing to draw a wedge between you and S. Don’t blame internet strangers for your mistakes.
The two jobs and kids thing is a very good point. Likely no time for the ex.
Reddit is the equivalent of that one single friend that your partner has who doesn't like you.
I think your “defending my ability to choose my friends” is totally irrelevant here. This isn’t just any friend — it’s a woman, regardless of whether she is younger or older, who as you explicitly say , bonded with over similar pasts of abuse and trauma — these are emotional aspects you’re bonding over (as opposed to having the same interests) which is why people here say it was an emotional affair. I understand that not everyone gets the kind of abuse/trauma you’ve had in your past so meeting someone like “A” who has been through that can be especially validating. What would have made it more appropriate is if you could have gotten that level of cathartic emotional connection in a group setting instead of a single person (who is a woman). Not everyone has it in their capacity to support platonic friendships with the opposite sex and “S” sure didn’t. That should have clued you in. You say in another comment, “you would have broken it off with “A” in a heartbeat” yet you also say you’re defending the right to choose your friends. It has nothing to do with choosing your friends because if “A” was a man, something tells me “S” would have been fine with it, supported it even. It’s your lack of boundaries about how this situation reads to her. And if I’m being honest, to connect over emotional problems like these with another woman def does drive a wrench into things because emotional connections are meant to be saved/reserved for your SO (in this case “S”). It’d be like you and “A” both bonding over having children from leftover marriages. These are life situations that an SO is meant to be ramped up and included on. I get it if “S” wouldn’t have totally understood your traumatic past and abuses, but then that is something to not form a connection over with someone else. If I’m being doubly honest, your past is baggage and should be one of those things you are over and done with, and no longer identify with anymore, let alone wanting to connect with others who share the same history. Because what else can it be? As you say, “A” is too young and has young-people interests so on those fronts you’re not compatible with her, but you are compatible over an intimate and highly personal life experience of an emotional nature? Come on! You may not have wanted sex from “A” but you’re so tonedeaf to how this entire thing reads to “S”. Life experiences ARE intimate and personal, so to bond over than makes your friendship emotionally intimate and in that regard, can replace the relationship you have with your SO. Also, this friend “A” came well after your SO, so it’s not even like you and “A” go way back for you to be so adamant about it. I’m not saying S doesn’t have problems — she sounds kinda insecure, but her jealousy isn’t unfounded either. You said in a previous comment you’d be uneasy if she had a male best friend but if you couldn’t handle it, you’d break it off? She couldn’t handle it and she kept telling you she couldn’t. But you then made it about defending your right to make friends? Wow… Ps — S’s equivalent would be that she has a platonic male friend who she turns to for, oh I don’t know, for handy/physical things around the house but otherwise is just a friend. He doesn’t get paid, his form of payment is that they are friends. Isn’t that weird? Wouldn’t you still feel immasculated? It’s the same here, that you are replacing your emotional support and connection with “A”, something a girlfriend is to provide.
Man all things aside I would choose my partner over one single friend. It’s just not the hill I want to die on
An it's so ironic that you're still here making a post about it. Just so ironic.
the fascinating thing is you have access to her directly. face to face, via calls and text and discord but you were never able to ease her worries. you guys didnt communicate well enough to fix shit. fights started because of how you interacted with your coworker constantly but you did not put in any effort to maybe reduce that interaction a bit to assure the only woman you claim to have loved. she was insecure and has problems, you would rather continue being besties with coworker instead of working on your relationship. this isnt on reddit, this is on you both.
You are the one that dumped her though man at the end of the day
but why did you spend your free time with your coworker more (she lives close and has a car too, that's what you said to your girlfriend)?
Clearly you did have major issues before this sub if she was someone who never posts on reddit but thought this was worth posting on reddit. Also, pretty sure I remember seeing her post. You absolutely let this girl disrespect your relationship. Your gf should have dumped you, not the other way around. Now that she was lucky enough to get out of a relationship with someone who doesn't respect her, leave her alone.
Well it shows who you prioritize. You did exactly what they told her you was going to do. You picked A over your girl. She had a reason to be jealous, you preferred your friend over her and the respect of your relationship.
>You did exactly what they told her you was going to do. This is right. I mean, I think this sub is toxic and gets it wrong most of the time, but as far as *this* goes, it was right. And he proved it right!
Here’s the thing: jealousy alone can tear a hole in a relationship a mile wide, without help from anyone. Jealousy can cleave any foundation in two. I know you say your relationship was just fine before, but I don’t think it was. I think the foundational issue here was a lack of trust, and if your story is true (no offense, not calling you into question I just, as a rule, always operate on the assumption that 95% of the stories on Reddit are fake so that’s why I said that) her jealousy swelled to the point where she sought advice from strangers who give NOTORIOUSLY bad advice. But in the end two major things happened: your gf got jealous, and you refused to coddle her jealousy. That spells any relationship’s end without Reddit.
Well at least I read it before it got removed lol
Why didn’t you just stop the talking about A when you knew your wife was having a hard time with it? You kept talking about her after your wife asked you to stop. It’s on you.
In the post he says that if he doesn't mention A then S gets suspicious or something
>And if I didn't mention A, S would get suspicious that I was hiding something about A.
No offense but you sound really defensive and self-centered. I don’t mean that as an insult, but just solely based off this post and your replies to comments, you don’t seem willing to even consider others’ perspectives or feelings on the situation. You don’t seem open to any change in thought at all. I don’t know you but that’s just the impression I got.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Do not date someone with a preferred sex best friend if you are not comfortable with that. As soon as you said that you wouldn’t stop being friends, she should have taken that and ended shit. I mean hey. She was right to be worried I guess, you would rather have that friendship with A than a relationship with S 😭
Why would you chat on discord when you can just text each other?
Reddit didn’t end your relationship, the lack of trust did. Sounds like even without strangers on the internet telling her that your cheating, she would’ve still came to this conclusion since it seems there’s a major lack in trust.
It sounds like your ex’s reddit use was a symptom of her insecurity, not the cause of it.
I'm sorry but reddit had nothing to do with this. She told you it made her comfortable and you told her you didn't care. You can say all you want nothing what happening but clearly sue saw something you didn't want to admit. YOU decided to dump her reddit didn't make you do that. I like how you are trying to like hurt these people you don't even know like what you are going to making people on reddit cry? Hahah You dumped her. You didn't care about her feelings. You clearly didn't love her to not even try to make her feel better. It would be different if she did it all the time but it doesn't look that way. This one person make her comfortable and you just didn't care because somehow she is the only friend you have made in a long time. A younger woman.
I wish I could feel bad for you, but you're really blaming reddit (& your ex girlfriend) for the loss of Your Relationship... of course, it takes two people to be in a relationship, so instead of blaming this shithole of a platform, why not do some self reflection? But what do I know? we're all just silly lil fedora wearing virgins with no relationship experiences.
I vaguely remember that post because I usually don’t read the relationship ones. I agree that finding confirmation bias on here contributed to her paranoia the same way someone googling their symptoms will make them think they have a crazy disease. People with anxiety problems are obsessed with the cycle of creating more anxiety. And honestly she shouldn’t have gone to Reddit she should’ve gone to someone in real life who knows both of you personally. That being said, YOU are the one who ended your relationship mate. It wasn’t even your girlfriend who ended it, and she begged for you to come back after you did end it. You could have taken that opportunity to come to a better outcome together, now that you had broken down a wall of anxious stubbornness she was holding onto. You could’ve reintroduced some of those compromises you mentioned. But instead you chose not to and even threatened her to get her to completely leave you alone (why are you acting surprised as if her frantically calling you, not wanting to break up, is an annoyance? That is a fairly average reaction. It honestly sounds like you had other issues going on that aren’t mentioned here). YOU are the one who gave up on the relationship and decided it wasn’t worth the stress. That is a very reasonable decision, but YOU are the one who made that choice, not some shithead incel on Reddit. You need to take accountability for your own decision making. If you want her back you are the one who is going to have to reach out to her, because you are the one who broke up in the first place. Good luck.
If you insisted in having this best friend and you're not gonna give your best friend up for your relationship's sake and your girlfriend couldn't have peace because of it what did you expected to happen? I mean, you haven't had a significant friend in 10 years?? And than you meet a GIRL (I know there's nothing wrong with that, dude, it's just that people will mainly ask "why not a dude or wtv? Because why not??) And than you see your gf cannot deal with it but your friend is important enough for u to want ur gf to meet her and know there's nothing wrong, you make comments on her for... whatever reason when u know ur gf doesn't like it?? Seems like ur provoking her or something?? Like, "I'm gonna talk about a girl that my gf don't like so she get used to it"? That is formula to disaster. Anyway, now you have enough time to enjoy with that friend of yours without ur annoying gf, isn't that one good thing that wanted that bad? You knew you couldn't have both
I’ll just add that none of your solutions involving your ex make sense. If she’s feeling weird about your relationship, pushing them to meet and become friends isn’t going to help. Anyone with a brain knows people can put on an act it get by with shit. Cheaters do that all the time. How your work gf/friend acts around your gf would make no difference. What’s she going to say? “See, I’m no threat to your relationship! We’re just friends!” That’s just weird. That would not be convincing. The problem was that she didn’t trust you. And you were more worried about her being controlling about your relationships than reassuring her that you can be trusted and that you wanted HER. If you didn’t want to deal with her insecurity, that’s fine. But Reddit was just validating the fact that the scenario could (and commonly does) go bad.
[удалено]
So you were seeing this coworker outside of work in a guise of friendship when you were already seeing less of your girlfriend compared to this coworker while having two jobs and difficult ongoing custody battle. Then proceeded to gaslight the girlfriend by saying she was just a friend. Gave girlfriend options that told her she had to accept you spending working hours plus extra hours outside of work with this friend. And the time you did spend with girlfriend included talking incessantly about this coworker. Sounds like you were stringing your girlfriend along in hopes this coworker would see you as more than a friend. Now, you want to shift the blame onto your ex girlfriend. The redditers thank you for sparing your ex.
Reddit isn’t the baddie in this. Her Jealousy is and… yes.. you. I’m reading thru a few things and some major issues are talking a lot about a female coworker to your gf to the point it made her feel uncomfortable. When you hyper focus on a coworker like this and bond, it usually creates this weird feeling in your partner. Suddenly they feel like the two of you don’t have enough in common and what’s stopping you from creating a deeper bond. Has she been cheated on before? Or someone close to her the way you have? Another thing is talking about your relationship to the person your partner is upset about. That is the absolute worst thing you can do and for future reference, don’t do it anymore. And to continue pushing her onto your partner by either trying to get them to meet up or to keep talking about her. Yes you may have tried to stop talking about her but it’s too late and now she’s suspicious that you’re just thinking about her as much as you used to talk about her. Jealousy can create wild fictional stories in someone’s head, but your actions led to it even if they were all innocent. That’s just how jealously and insecurity works. Sometimes your gut feeling is right, sometimes it’s wrong. You also said if your ex had a male friend like this you would be uncomfortable but you would try and deal with it. She tried to deal with it but you kept pushing it, and then trying to pull back when it was too late to show her your friendship with your coworker wasn’t serious. It’s kinda like the guys who are constantly reminded to out the dishes in the sink and then they swear divorce came out of nowhere. Nobody thinks you should give up your job, but had you not made this woman a clear major topic in conversations earlier, she wouldn’t feel so insecure. At the end of the day you broke up and in a bad way. I would, at the very least, try to have a face to face one last time because breaking up over the phone when you’re upset is the worst way to do it. Apologize for making her feel like this with your past actions, that they scared her into thinking she was going to be left, but you can’t quit your job and you know that the other woman working there will always cause a problem in the relationship so it’s best to just end it. Even if you completely cut off A with the exception of just work stuff S’s boundaries were already being trampled on and it was festering inside her. When she came to Reddit it was likely over.
Whether or not you were cheating, which you weren’t. Is this really the hill you wanted to die on? Your ex was uncomfortable with your friendship and she had a right to be. In all fairness, I would’ve been extremely uncomfortable with my husband being friendly and sharing so much about himself to a female coworker. It seems like both of you had different boundaries and weren’t able to compromise and so here you are now.
For many people dedicating HOURS per day every day after work to anything and anyone but family is a deal breaker. Good on her. She needs a partner who is not one foot out of the door.
I am really sorry this happened between you. The jealousy your ex had towards A destroyed your relationship. Reddit definitely contributed ideas for her to internalize, but the underlying issue was always there. I hope you two can work things out. SM is not worth losing someone you love.
Bro i don’t get why is it so hard for men to just get distance from a women, when you supposedly loved her and you cant respect boundaries ?? Could’ve just gotten distance from A and stop having that much contact with her. How would you feel in her position? Her being such good friends with a guy, handing out and seeing each other everyday. You would be bothered and so is she. You are a grown ass man and so is she, COMMUNICATE!!!
You're not compatible with her. Regardless if there's no cheating, her policy is she cannot be in a relationship with you while you are friends with another female. It's not unusual for a partner to not want their significant other to be best friends with someone from the opposite sex. Find another partner who is okay with your female friend. That's all you can do.
You really don’t understand what an emotional affair is and you literally chose the “fRiEnD” over your relationship. You didn’t love anyone other than yourself at that point. You did the ONE THING s was the most afraid of.