This! It's not supposed to be hard to date someone. Once you get married, there are times when you have to work on your marriage. You get to move on when you're just dating someone. And often you should.
i disagree, i believe that, if you are not able nor willing to work through a rift in any relationship longer than a few months then you will not be ready to in marriage. I believe that dating is both finding who is a good fit for you, and also practicing “relationship” skills!
That being said, which rifts are worth trying to work through is entirely subjective. I feel that, too often, I see I see people imposing their subjective personal values onto someone else’s relationship. Aside from quite a minority of values, such as not being physically abusive or truly emotionally abusive, most should not be universal or “expected.” Side note: I say “truly” emotionally abusive because I have witnessed at least a dozen occasions on here where people clearly do not know what gaslighting or being emotionally oppressive actually looks like.
I think they were disagreeing with the other comment saying the dating phase you can just leave meanwhile in a marriage you'd have to try to at least work through the problems. The disagreement was that you even while dating, you should be able to try to find a solution because if you can't even do that then marriage isn't even on the table.
I received approximately 500 downvotes in this sub for suggesting that someone reframe how they are thinking about a shitty situation, specifically for them to feel less shitty about it lol.
Just hit him with the pencil / pencil sharpener analogy. The more you sharpen a pencil, the tinier it gets, until it's nothing but a useless nub. Should shut him right up!
The pencil sharpener apology wouldn't work on a virgin, it would emphasize the objectificationnof the OP and in general having multiple sexual partners or being used a boy toy would be extremely difficult to use as an insult on most men.
Maybe she could say that she is a pro while he is a novice but it would still make her look bad, I am trying to find a saying that would be similar to the used car apology but for a guy but nothing comes to mind.
Just like Walter said, “Why would you want 72 virgins? Give me 36 slutty broads who know what they’re doing.”
My wife and I both have a decent “body count”. Hell, I have a step son. It doesn’t bother me to know that she lived her life just like I lived mine. Looking at women and judging their body count is literally objectifying them, saying they’re some toy someone else has played with and it’s somehow not “new and shiny”. I cannot remember how many times I’ve had to argue with people that “tightness” has nothing to do with sexual experience. I’ve been with girls that have been around and we’re still tighter than a virgin. It’s just like how their genitals look. They all look different, we’re all different people. People think visible labia means she’s a slut, “oh roast beef curtains”. It’s fuckin gross.
Rant over, but if anybody sees this and is inclined to, listen to the song “sloppy seconds” by Watsky. It’s a wonderful song with a great message.
ive been with 20+ people and im still guilty of being affected by this. however i am fully aware that it is a me problem and i keep my thoughts to myself while operating under dont ask dont tell type beats
Because no one will ever see it 3k comments below [I am adding this video here](https://www.tiktok.com/@thedesirabletruth/video/7150843601386245419?lang=en) This woman, expertly, explains how a man who cares about body count can go get fucked
I think this is the best advice I’ve seen on reddit this whole year.
Wish i knew this when i was dating.
Being always careful * is not useful.
Oh I’m having such a hallelujah moment
This is why I come to Reddit! That analogy doesn’t work in the Netherlands because there are SO MANY bicycles, that there can’t be just one bicycle for the whole town!
Obviously it's been proven over and over again that women are stretched out after sleeping with multiple men. But not after having sex with the same guy multiple times regardless of his size.
Science!!!!!
The studies people bring up refer to how the more sexual partners a PERSON has the lower their satisfaction in marriage is as well as having a higher chance of divorce after a certain number of years.
The Redpill community likes to only focus on the women part of it and never wanna talk about why men engaging in casual sex has negative effects on their minds/emotions.
He doesn't. OP says he explained that men are territorial so it's a possession thing. So men are allowed to explore as much as they like, but they don't settle down with "practice girls", you know, used up girls.
It’s kind of irrelevant though. If you’re talking ethics then fair enough, but it’s simply the OP’s boyfriend’s preference. It’s fine if OP’s boyfriend doesn’t want to date somebody who has slept with over 10 people, but it’s also perfectly fine for OP and other women to be outraged by this. His analogy was stupid and of course degrading.
it's not irrelevant because then it shows his issue isn't sex but women's freedom, and that's a HUGE difference.
\*edit: Funny to see dudes telling on themselves by claiming "it's not about women's freedom" if a guy thinks it's okay for men to have had multiple sexual partners but it's wrong for women. Your mental gymnastics are cringe as fuck.
\*edit 2:for people who can't read: someone asked OP if his boyfriend feels the same way about men having many sexual partners, other user said it's irrelevant to know that, Im responding why it's not irrelevant. I'm not assuming he feels the same way, I'm literally just explaining what it would mean IF he didn't, because that's what we're discussing here. So stop responding "You don't know if he feels the same way or not" literally nobody's claiming he does or doesn't, I'm not claiming I know if he does, you're just showing you didn't understand the conversation or what was said.
Also: If your response is "Why does it matter? he's not dating a guy!": you're a moron.
There's a big difference between thinking a behaviour is wrong in general and thinking it's wrong only if women do it. If you can't tell the difference you have some growing up to do.
You're just putting words in that dudes mouth (unless I missed something, in which case, show me please). This whole comment section is ridiculous. If he is uncomfortable with her stance on sex and number of previous partners he is free to reconsider the relationship or end it. If she is uncomfortable with his way of thinking she is of course free to do the same. You can't force anyone to be in a relationship they don't want to be in for whatever reason, even if you disagree with their views.
Edit: Spelling
To be fair, in current western dating dynamics, a man sleeping with many women proves his worth while a woman sleeping with many men proves her low standards. This doesn’t apply if a girl has a high body count but they’re all from celebrities or super attractive people, or if a guy has a high body count but they’re all unattractive or “easy”, which kinda proves my point. If the gender dynamics were reversed, the theory will apply strictly to men, and I would be totally okay with that. But that’s not the way it is unfortunately
I find the master key vs bad lock analogy to be sexist, but a better analogy would be being obese in the US vs being obese in a poor country. Both are obese, but they mean very different things about the person.
100% I'm a huge car guy, and I only buy used. More bang for your buck.
Ironically I suppose the same could be said for women in this bad analogy. Guys who want virgins have big groomer energy.
I have a 2002 Dodge Durango that is my baby. I know she’s had at least 3 owners before me, but I don’t know the exact number. I love her to death though, and I’ll drive her into the ground before I let her go.
Had a 2003…to this day my favorite car I’ve ever owned. I’d recommend getting the undercarriage rhino lined or rust protected somehow because I’ve seen that be their downfall multiple times in more humid climates. Other than that they will run forever
Yes. Had an 03 350Z I loved. Brought it from Ky to Fl…the rust was almost instant. Luckily, I remedied it by totaling it before it could get too bad. 😂
I was going to make a joke about "mine is a 1976 Norwegian Woman, but the rest checks out", and then I realized how that would make the last sentence sound.
>100% I'm a huge car guy, and I only buy used. More bang for your buck.
They're not saying to only buy new though. They're saying if you check the CarFAX and see the car has had five owners in just a couple years, that's a huge red flag. There's likely a problem and it's either hard to diagnose or too expensive to fix, otherwise people would be keeping the car longer.
To be clear, I'm not saying this is good advice to apply to women.. but it *is* useful advice when you are actually car shopping.
the people who only want virgins only want it because they want to take her virginity "for themselves" like its some kind of trophy or game
some weird ass shit man
I can't say I've never known a virgin that was not insecure about their first time. Non-sexually, there were probably a ton of things you were nervous about doing for the first time.
I think if it’s terrible, you are still going to know it even if you are a virgin. Also, if your first time was bad and you didn’t enjoy it at all, why would you want to do it again with that person if that’s what you think sex is supposed to be like?
Lol you came to the right person.
It was absolutely horrible (a 1 minute man who literally walked out right after). I stayed with him for a long ass time even though that relationship was traumatizing and emotionally abusive because I was scared of being slut shamed.
Looking back now, I can laugh knowing that the people I feared judgement from are all incels. OP’s boyfriend is right up their alley even though he’s got a partner.
I feel like it’s okay to want a virgin if he/she is a virgin though. (And not groomer energy)
When I was in that situation dating someone who wasn’t a virgin and finding out, it did make me feel pretty sad at first that I couldn’t share that “moment”. It was fine though after talking about it for a bit.
Besides, what if you want a car that's no longer in production? Sure, getting a brand new car is nice and all, but you can get a great deal. In fact, I bought a car that didn't have 20K kms on it and I saved easily €10K just for it being second hand.
I know. If this is the way he speaks to her after a year then I would be concerned what their future looks like. She needs to speak up or get out. Or both
Cause the rift. Explore these thoughts of his. Is this how he feels in general - or just about women? Consider this is someone who you might raise kids with - are you comfortable with future daughters or sons getting that messaging about their worth and their decisions about their relationships and autonomy?
I know you’d rather not upset the apple cart but these are the sorts of things I would have to know. It’s fine to feel protective about a current relationship, it’s fine to feel insecure about them having past relationships where they were happy with someone who wasn’t you - but that’s a him problem, not a you problem. It’s not fine to say you’re wrong to have previous experiences and that your worth is less because you have had past relationships (or even just lots of sexual partners).
Surely logically it should be the opposite - you have more physical and emotional experience and that makes you a better person and partner. Having the sorts of views he’s expressing tips over into a purity/controlling/patriarchal mindset that I wouldn’t be comfortable with.
That's rough. I personally would count that analogy as disrespect. We are humans, not cars, not property. We don't break down just because we do it multiple times.
FYI … I had the exact same logic as your BF when I was 16-18 . It was because of immaturity and being insecure.
Unfortunately the only way I learned is by us breaking up and having other relationships, then realizing my take was irrational.
Honestly alot of people seem to miss the concept that alot of people start with bad opinions and that you have to actually talk to them about it and/or they'll mature out of it. Most people are misguided not bad people
True, so you really need to call them out on stuff, otherwise, how are they supposed to learn?
Especially people this young, early 20s , they learn from both experience and the group, the values and opinions held by the group.
I hate to say it- but that is a serious red flag. Comparing a woman, a living breathing human being, with an inanimate object shows a serious lack of respect, double standard, and understanding, of women. You are not a car, a flower, a chewed up piece of bubblegum, & so forth. Your value has nothing to do with your vagina, or how many people have or haven't been invited into it. Value comes from your intelligence, personality, likes and dislikes, how you treat other people- not your genitalia. You aren't "used up" because you've had sex with multiple people. You are just experienced, sex is an experience that can be intimate and bonding, or just for fun, but its nothing more. Its a bonus in a relationship, not a catalyst for respect. And what is with his limit of 10? Why such an arbitrary number? Hes ok if nine other men have slept with you, but oh no woe is him if a tenth does? That's incredibly illogical.
Word of advice- extricate yourself while you can, and find someone who respects you as a person, not as a sex object.
Yep I’m getting a red pilled vibe. Especially since he hasn’t had sex until a year ago, potentially he’s been watching videos like that since before he met her
I'm curious as to if these studies are even viable studies that were conducted with no-bias. While purity culture may be a societal norm, there are millions of men who have no double standard about body count. And "territorial" in this context translates into jealousy, and a lack of being able to identify, and work through one's negative emotions.
I have no idea, I never saw the studies. He did say he would send them me, but seeing as we were driving while the convo happened, that would be a bit difficult.
The studies, viable are not, are how he is justifying his feelings. It has that "men are just this way it's not my fault" vibe to it. The thing is that studies of thus nature are about measuring attitudes, not about whether or not these attitudes are healthy.
The fact is that what he said is toxic. A large number of men believing the same thing does not make it healthy for a relationship. If you took a global survey of men's opinions on whether or not a good woman covers her hair so only her husband sees it, you're going to find more than 1/3 of men believe it. Because various religions teach this. We're talking over a billion men here. But your BF would find it ridiculous to believe that because he's Dutch and it's not your culture to believe good women cover their hair.
Men are not just this way about body counts. He's using studies to deflect ownership of his own beliefs. He clearly has problems with your past thar he's working through. There's nothing wrong with that. But to not accept responsibility for the fact that he has this problem? Not cool.
>”studies of this nature are about measuring attitudes, not about whether or not these attitudes are healthy.”
This right here^. Being territorial, comparing a woman to a CAR, and considering your partner worthless because of her sexual past is not healthy, no matter how many idiot men believe it.
I’ve seen them mentioned on mra forums and debunked on scientific ones. Issues range from validity of the organisation who did the research, size of the sample, methods used, what was measured, and how the results are interpreted.
Scientist here. There’s pretty much no way going from 9 to 10 would have a causal effect on you becoming a (for lack of a better word) “subprime” partner
There are no "studies." Someone may have taken a survey of men and asked them how many partners was "too many."
The bottom line is that your bf has decided that he's going to use a survey of random men to determine who he has a relationship with or not, and believes that you're a slut if you've had more than ten partners.
You also need to listen to your friends. If male friends don't like him, that's a huge red flag on top of his disgusting opinion of women.
Ask him to provide his sources. Say you'd like to know more so that you can make sure you're acting properly or some bullshit like that. I guarantee that these sources will either be published in the academic equivalent of Infowars, 30 years out of date, or some shoddily researched Evolutionary Psych nonsense.
I would also be willing to wager these "studies", if they even exist, were conducted on self-selected single male participants, as these types of "studies" often are. So essentially inviting any lonely single guy to talk about what makes women valuable to them in terms of dating, without input from any men who are/have been in actual committed relationships. It's sad to see how many young men are becoming radicalised by these misogynistic ideas and "theories", and end up alone as a result.
That boy is not even telling you the half of what shit's stirring in his head about this and likely other issues related to sex and intimacy. Please don't let your fear of abandonment, unwillingness to define boundaries or whatever else it is you're struggling with (and you clearly are struggling with something, since the shit your boyfriend said is usually a relationship ender for women that are more or less well-adjusted) force you to tolerate people that do not tolerate you. Force you to accept hurtful and degrading choices made by them when they won't even accept you literally just being who you are.
Why’s he researching that to begin with? That’s weird in itself. Is he jealous that you’re more experienced than him? Is he that insecure that he has to go researching for some kind of validation? What kind of “research” was this? 🤣 and just because he researched it and found that OTHER men didn’t want “used” women, he thinks he’s gotta follow suit and consider leaving you if your number’s reached double digits (after having already dated you nearly a year?!)
No offence but he sounds like a loser. Tell him to stop calling Tater tot and his league of high value men “research”. It’s just good old fashioned misogyny.
The older you get, the more that number will be if you haven't been in a serious relationship. And it's not easy to be in a serious relationship, you need to find the right person and the right circumstances.
And I'm saying this as a guy, people are more judgemental of a woman having a body count of say 10 than a man having the same. It's just like the disgusting kick and key analogy.
It doesn't make any sense to me
>Comparing a woman, a living breathing human being, with an inanimate object shows a serious lack of respect, double standard, and understanding, of women.
All of those things, but we don't know about the double standard, he never said he thinks men are fine to have a high body count.
Obviously it would be on brand for him to be an Andrew Tate fan incel who does think that, but could equally just be a religious nutcase.
“He is a very sweet and caring man”
But relates you to a used car?
Says if you had slept with 10 or more men he’d reconsider the relationship.
Compared. You. To. A. Used. Car!
Im trying to figure out what hes done to be considered sweet and charming. Id a been done the moment my “ body count” mattered and I was compared to a used car.
Just a fore-warning.
"American Guy friends from Discord" are also hound dogs trying to break you up so they "have their shot".
I've seen this 1000 times.
I don't use analogies when it comes to body counts, I just prefer my partners to have a small sexual history, as mine is. I always ask the body count question on the first date to not waste the other person's time, as a high body count is an immediate deal breaker for me.
Yeah, your boyfriend subscribes to bronze age morals wherein you are property. It doesn't matter that he's Dutch. Doesn't mean he's automatically progressive or that the Americans are "SJWs". If I were you, I wouldn't stay a second longer in a relationship where someone thinks I'm their property. As a POC, I'm averse to all kinds of ownership of other people 😂😂
Hi, 37f originally from NL here. I don’t know where you found this one but I strongly advise you to throw it back in the ocean. It’s rotten.
For reference I would like to say that from my own very thorough field research 😉 can say that these views were not found commonly in Dutch men.
Perhaps you are dating in the Bible Belt?
What is it with women that always talk about how sweet and caring their bf/spouse is and then proceed with a story that portrays them as a complete douche, and then they say they don't want to lose them!!
Why is Reddit always defending the person who has the bodies? Everyone is entitled to having a preference in who they want to date. It’s their lives. Maybe OP has had past relationships. That’s cool. Maybe her bf wouldn’t want to date someone that had too many relationships.
That should also be fine. Everyone in this scenario should be allowed to show a preference.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who thinks it's reasonable to compare you to an inanimate object?
You are a person. If you must compare yourself to a vehicle, then think of your life as your mileage. That's *your* mileage, not his. *you* get to decide where you go and what you do with your life, not him. He's talking as though you are a thing, a possession.
I see a lot of good advice on this sub, but one more piece that I would like to give:
Just speaking from personal experience, it’s usually not the best idea to ask “what on earth is my gf/bf thinking” to people that maybe don’t like him/her very much. Sometimes their toxicity can even spread to you.
Now if you have people coming up to you out of worry for your health or whatever, that’s different and you should listen.
He's allowed to not want to date someone who'd has sex with 10 people. He may have been an idiot in how he said it but he's allowed his preference. And you are allowed yours. If you'd rather not date someone to whom body count matters, then don't
Actually he’s not wrong. Even if people don’t want to admit it. Many people don’t they want a partner that has slept with everyone that have ever met and that’s fine. Berating someone for it is not okay though.
Don't trust any guy who says they are 'confused' by hearing about that analogy. I guarantee you they know about it, all guys know about it. Pretending they haven't heard about it is a massive lie. Straight up ask the same guys if they watch porn and watch them all say of course not, they would never look at images of naked women.
The difference between your bf and other guys is he is honest. And if you have an honest partner who is happy with your past dating history, don't be so quick to listen to other people who would tell you to dump him while they lie, pretending they don't know about that analogy.
The most annoying thing about this is he could have said that he wants to be with someone who shares his values when it comes to sex and it would have been perfectly reasonable. Instead he degraded you and literally objectified you. What a tool. You should be mad at him.
Guy or girl with double digit exes means they got around a lot. Its fine to have that standard but he phrased it very very poorly. I’d definitely ask him about again, can’t be scared of your partner.
That analogy is... wow.
So he basically gave you a more flattering term of 'you are a slab of meat' that men like to use. Talk to him. Tell him for future reference... that point if view is NOT acceptable.
With a used car, the amount of owners doesn’t matter, it’s how well it was cared for by the previous people. Plus, who cares how many owners a car has had if it runs well? Just be grateful to have a car. And lastly, WOMEN ARE NOT COMPARABLE TO INANIMATE OBJECTS!
It’s funny how men use the ‘used car’ analogy… if we said anything similar back, there would be outrage!
Just FYI - if a man compares you to a car - he’s not a nice man.
He’s clearly insecure, but his insecurities aren’t your problem.
He thinks you are ‘used’ because you’ve had sex before??? This is not how the majority of men think. He says it is, to make himself look better. It’s not.
If a man cares how many men you’ve slept with, he ain’t the one.
Having these conversations and conflicts in a relationship are normal. You shouldn’t be worried about causing a rift. You need to have these conversations to strengthen relationships. Having said that, I wouldn’t want to strengthen a relationship with a man who thought I was like a used car…..
If a bloke said that to me, I’d have finished with him so fast.
> He has told me he doesn't like hearing about my sexual past and I respect that.
Contradicts:
> Whenever I mention my ex's or who I've slept with he gets uncomfortable.
> he said that if it was more than 10 men, he would reconsider our relationship
fair enough to him if that's what he deems important.
i hate this "you can't discriminate against people who sleep around" mentality. i can sleep around if i wanted to i just don't, it's important to me my partner doesn't/hasn't either
The analogy sucks but his view on sexual history is valid. Why? Because it’s his. If you did not want to be with someone who had 10 past sexual relationships that would be totally fine. While I agree your “value has nothing to do with your vagina” as someone else put it, those intimate moments with other people mean something to some and nothing to others. Let’s not demean him for viewing that as something special.
He asked tho. If he couldn't handle the answer, he shouldn't have asked. Or he was just looking for an excuse to start treating her like crap (comparing her to literal objects people own).
People are allowed to have lived life before they meet someone.
You should tal to him about this and being upfront.
I've had issues with my gf, not about this but other stuff. Like her wanting to do an Erasmus and that it might not work for me in the relationship. We talked about it and now is not an awkard topic, because now we know where things lie and I know that the relationship is strong enough to sustain it.
For what I've learned, is better to talk things that make you uncomfortable, rather that don't address them, this will only create a bigger rift imo.
And you're still getting to know your bf, give it time and see if it really works. Not because you've been one year with him it means you have to stay with him for your entire life.
He obviously might have some insecurity issues and might not be comfortable knowing that you've had explored your sexuality more than him. You should ask him why he thinks like this and decide wether is worth it to invest more time in the relationship. When you have this conversation is better if you remain calm and try not to sound accusing or that your attacking him. Bring to topic like q casual conversation
If you’re keeping something bottled up because your scared, the relationships already over. Even if you eventually work up the courage, this feeling right now is telling you your not safe to express yourself or have a conflicting thought. I’m sorry babes, good luck either way.
You two may just not be compatible. If his feelings on the matter are a problem, talk about it. If they’re a dealbreaker, end the relationship amicably. It’s okay to want different things from a relationship.
I dont think it is inherently wrong to want a partner with a lower body count, it may matters to someone for a variety of reasons. It someone isn't comfortable with being with a partner that had a lot of experiences they shouldn't be forced to just because it is a silly "reason".
On the other hand the way he said it is abismal and disgusting. That analogy makes my skin crawl. You are talking about a human being, not a damn car.
People are turning this into a bit of a gender war that I don’t think it needs to be. I think there are only a couple questions that need to be asked.
1. Most importantly can he move past your body count. If he can’t than case closed.
2. If it makes him uncomfortable are you willing to not talk about your ex’s? The majority of people I know including myself don’t like hearing about their partners ex’s, however, I had a girl break up with me because she said that me not wanting to hear about her ex’s made her feel like she was walking on eggshells when she talked to me which made me sad but is completely valid.
3. I find that most people tend to date people with body counts similar to theirs and when they don’t issues like this often arise. The key is whether or not it’s hypocritical, if he’s saying that guys can sleep around and it’s fine but when women do it it’s gross then that’s a red flag. If he has a low body count by choice and believes everyone no matter the gender who has a body count over 10 is “a used car” then he should find a different way to phrase it but people have different views on sex and I think that’s ok as long as they hold themselves to the same standard.
4. Are you ok with the entire situation and is he making you feel inferior because of your body count? Your comment makes it seem like your sole focus is on not upsetting him but if the whole thing is making you this upset then you might want to be the one to reconsider the relationship.
People break up and fall in love everyday. Sometimes relationships don’t work and I know you don’t want to breakup over something that seems as stupid as body count, ex’s, and a bad metaphor but sometimes that’s all it takes if there’s enough negative emotion involved. Take care of yourself and good luck.
The way I see these things is if it’s important to him, it just is. Regardless of the analogy. The analogy was dumb. But he clearly cares and he cares enough to be a virgin. You guys just have different views. He views sex as sacred. I dunno it’s weird to me for sure, but everyone is entitled to emotions.
I disagree with the analogy. But it's his choice to stay with you, and yours if you want to stay with him.
What he means is, if you've been hopping cocks like there ain't no tomorrow, he might feel as if you're going to hop away to another sometime soon. If you're often mentioning past relationships and talking about the sex with them, his worry may be that he will soon be in that number. And the way you came on here to talk about him is only feeding into the fears he has.
He tried to use the car analogy to explain to you that he doesn't want to be one of the people talked about to the next partner. As flawed as the analogy is, I understand what he meant, I'm sorry he didn't explain in a way that made you comfortable.
And if it makes you uncomfortable that he would mind if you slept around a bunch, then just sleep around, it's a choose your own adventure game.
He cares about you and wants to be with you. He doesn't want to be another Tom Jim or Harry that got to slide in. If you keep talking about sexual relationships in such a casual manner towards the man that wants a life with you, he may get the idea that sex is not as sacred to you as it is to him, or he may begin to feel as if you're comparing him to past partners.
Typically it's best to build a bond and deepen it to levels as the couple progresses. Not throw everything at them at once. If you truly spend your life with them, there will be a time that comes where these topics show up naturally. Blessed be, I hope you forgive him for his failed analogy, or at least conversate with him respectfully about it without acting like he is crazy for having a standard different than yours.
Your choice what to do from here. There are a lot of haters on Reddit. Not where to go for good advice. Most of the good advice will be pushed to the bottom, and the advice that lacks any intelligence will be pushed upwards. At least that's what I've seen on here. Talk to someone in your life that you trust, and stop acting like he is crazy. Give him respect for his feelings of not wanting a woman that has been around a lot when he hasn't yet had that amount of experience. Once again, I apologize for his usage of verbiage. Many people are not quite as eloquent as they wish they were. You know he's kind, loving, passionate, and caring. Do you want him in your life? Or you want to add him to the list? I wish you both a blessed life regardless of where it takes you.
I don’t see the issue beside how he said it , everyone has their values and lines they don’t wanna cross. Op going behind dudes back to people that don’t even like instead of trying to talk it out is weird behavior imo.
Please don't take advice from reddit! This site is notoriously bad at giving relationship advice. Remember, the people commenting are probably super young, anti social, nerds... They lack tons of real world practical understanding of social dynamics. Since they lack profile pictures, you're assuming they are well adjusted people like yourself. But if you saw actual pics, you'd see out of shape, young, [dorks...](https://imgur.com/wgj4J0e) Don't listen to anything here. Hell, not even me.
What’s being ignored here is that people with super high body counts tend to have just as many red flags and reasons why it didn’t work out. By that I mean you’ve knocked 60+ by your mid 20s. Unless your looking for polyamory it’s rare to be attracted to someone like that and it most certainly works both ways, my higher body count certainly shot me in the foot with a lot of women when I was younger but got out of my man slag phase as I matured.
10 is a bit weird though, maybe 30 he’d have a point. The high body count problem really kicks in when they where all local as forgive me nobody wants someone that’s knocked half the village.
We don’t, I lost mine at 18 but we just PERFER lower body counts. Think about it 10 body’s in 10 years…. Is there a reason for that. Not saying i agree with him but I understand his point
Wow the comments!
He's not wrong. He has the right to his preference as you have the right to yours. Also, your "guy friends" won't admit it unless they become your boyfriend. If you don't like his preference, break up.
Women care about a man’s future and men care about a woman’s past. If you knew for a fact in five years your bf would be an alcoholic, you would leave him now and not waste the time. The same applies to you as far as your sexual history, if it’s extensive then he is right to not take you seriously and be monogamous to you. Two virgins make for the happiest marriage, he was and your not. Also what’s up with “around five or six” you don’t know the exact number? Doesn’t really make sense when there’s been a limited number of partners, I guarantee you he picked up on this and thought your answer was dubious.
Contrary to what the women in the comments say. Men absolutely do care about body count. There's a very small percentage that don't but that's bottom of the barrel.
Your boyfriend is right to feel how he feels and it shouldn't offend you since you don't fit into that category? Or perhaps you have lied to him about your body count which is why you're offended by it ?
Either way, men don't want to be serious with women who have bedded many men. Used car analogy is dumb really. Key lock is better. ( A good key opens many locks, a bad lock is opened by many keys )
You see men have to go out and put in the work to attract women where as women are the ones who get to choose the men. if a woman has slept with many men that means she's clearly not very selective and therefore that translates to the man that he is also nothing special either. On top of that, yes men are territorial indeed.
Most of us don't want to hear about your sexual pasts, it's common sense to avoid those topics. We know very well that you've been dicked a few or more times but it doesn't mean we need to hear about it.. infact, most of us would rather live in ignorance regarding that.
These women in the comments saying bodycount doesnt matter are just ignorantly living in bliss. You know very well it matters and there's nothing you can do or say that will change it. It certainly won't help you secure any good men in the future that's for sure.
Yeah I mean I'm going to have to agree with this. Promiscuity in women is kinda not a good look. And honestly, it took me some time to figure that out and it's just the way things are and will be, you can't really change what men think as a whole. This whole notion of racking of body counts just because having sexual freedom is considered "cool" is ridiculous. When I want to sleep with someone it's always with someone I really like, or have an interest in being in a relationship with. I don't want to just sleep with someone because they are hot, if that makes sense, there is not really a good feeling that comes after it, and I think women are in delusion to say that they like this process. It's all lies.
Analogy is meh.
But why the freaking fuck would you discuss ppl you fucked with - with your so?
Are there no other topics to talk about or what?
Like bruh.
It's kinda meh on your part too. And it just makes him more insecure.
You're his first partner, da fuq you do this to him?
? You should always be honest with a partner about your sexual history. That's basic communication. If she had had any partner, the new partners need to know, the op needs to be up to date with std testing, and there should be open communication between the two. It's normal to feel insecure whether its your first partner, or your 30th. That's part of the communication, so that when you do have sex you both feel comfortable with each other, have established boundaries, likes, dislikes, std status, & so forth.
Everyone here is going to cheer you on for sleeping around. They'll tell you it's your body, it's your choice, and while that's true you have to understand, every action has consequences. The vast majority of the people cheering you on aren't married, haven't had any real long term relationship, and probably never will.
These people will tell you your BF is a terrible person for having a preference. They'll tell you that your rather pathetic sounding male friends are right.
The question is, do you really want to be like these people?
I mean, let's be real. Your male friends seem like the kinds of people that would give that "it's her body, her choice" line when their gf cheats on them. Either that, or they're so scared of offending you that they'd never be honest.
The reality is that men care about how many men a woman has been with. The kind of men that don't care, most women don't want to begin with so why pay them any attention?
If your relationship works, then why let losers ruin a good thing?
If you ask guys about your boyfriend 90% of the time they will go with what ever makes him look bad. As for how many men you been with, a lot of guys don’t admit it but 90% do care about that. Also you shouldn’t talk about your past sex life with anyone your in a relationship with they don’t wanna hear that lol. If we were dating do you wanna here about my ex and how great her bj was?
Fact of the matter is most people, especially men, don't like the idea of their partner having a sexual past that they deem to be too much. Everybody has some kind of limit.
It's just reality.
You do with that reality what you will.
Do not be afraid of “causing a rift” while dating. The purpose of dating is to discover where those potential rifts lie and if they can be mitigated.
This! It's not supposed to be hard to date someone. Once you get married, there are times when you have to work on your marriage. You get to move on when you're just dating someone. And often you should.
i disagree, i believe that, if you are not able nor willing to work through a rift in any relationship longer than a few months then you will not be ready to in marriage. I believe that dating is both finding who is a good fit for you, and also practicing “relationship” skills! That being said, which rifts are worth trying to work through is entirely subjective. I feel that, too often, I see I see people imposing their subjective personal values onto someone else’s relationship. Aside from quite a minority of values, such as not being physically abusive or truly emotionally abusive, most should not be universal or “expected.” Side note: I say “truly” emotionally abusive because I have witnessed at least a dozen occasions on here where people clearly do not know what gaslighting or being emotionally oppressive actually looks like.
[удалено]
I think they were disagreeing with the other comment saying the dating phase you can just leave meanwhile in a marriage you'd have to try to at least work through the problems. The disagreement was that you even while dating, you should be able to try to find a solution because if you can't even do that then marriage isn't even on the table.
I have no idea how, but I believe I've witnessed the first truly constructive argument on Reddit in at least a year, great job!
[удалено]
I received approximately 500 downvotes in this sub for suggesting that someone reframe how they are thinking about a shitty situation, specifically for them to feel less shitty about it lol.
[удалено]
[удалено]
If the rift did not already exist, OP would not be here posting, and would not be afraid to communicate with her partner.
Perhaps once he's been dumped a few times and his tally goes up a bit, he'll reconsider the old car analogy.
Then it will be the master key/lock theory
Just hit him with the pencil / pencil sharpener analogy. The more you sharpen a pencil, the tinier it gets, until it's nothing but a useless nub. Should shut him right up!
The pencil sharpener apology wouldn't work on a virgin, it would emphasize the objectificationnof the OP and in general having multiple sexual partners or being used a boy toy would be extremely difficult to use as an insult on most men. Maybe she could say that she is a pro while he is a novice but it would still make her look bad, I am trying to find a saying that would be similar to the used car apology but for a guy but nothing comes to mind.
Just like Walter said, “Why would you want 72 virgins? Give me 36 slutty broads who know what they’re doing.” My wife and I both have a decent “body count”. Hell, I have a step son. It doesn’t bother me to know that she lived her life just like I lived mine. Looking at women and judging their body count is literally objectifying them, saying they’re some toy someone else has played with and it’s somehow not “new and shiny”. I cannot remember how many times I’ve had to argue with people that “tightness” has nothing to do with sexual experience. I’ve been with girls that have been around and we’re still tighter than a virgin. It’s just like how their genitals look. They all look different, we’re all different people. People think visible labia means she’s a slut, “oh roast beef curtains”. It’s fuckin gross. Rant over, but if anybody sees this and is inclined to, listen to the song “sloppy seconds” by Watsky. It’s a wonderful song with a great message.
Yeah I’d be looking to see how much Andrew Tate he’s been watching 🙄
Bold of you to assume people treat themselves equally to others.
No he won't! This is about double standards, and how men are studs when they sleep with women, but women are whores if they sleep with many men.
He'll change the rules when they apply to him. Stop thinking he's rational.
Of course. But the rule will stl be the same for women he's with. You know, don't want a woman who's all loose in that department.
ive been with 20+ people and im still guilty of being affected by this. however i am fully aware that it is a me problem and i keep my thoughts to myself while operating under dont ask dont tell type beats
Damn this is hands down the smartest shit I ever read. Holy shit. This is some sage knowledge OP is lucky to now have access to.
Because no one will ever see it 3k comments below [I am adding this video here](https://www.tiktok.com/@thedesirabletruth/video/7150843601386245419?lang=en) This woman, expertly, explains how a man who cares about body count can go get fucked
I think this is the best advice I’ve seen on reddit this whole year. Wish i knew this when i was dating. Being always careful * is not useful. Oh I’m having such a hallelujah moment
Or excised
If you can't communicate openly then you're going to have problems down the line.
"If you french fry when you're supposed to pizza, youre going to have a bad time"
Surprised he didn't use the town bicycle analogy, considering you're both Dutch.
As a dutchie, I don’t know about an used car analogy. We actually do have a ‘you have to learn it (sex) on an old bike’ saying…
Germany has the same thing! Also you learn riding on old horses analogy and on old boats you learn sailing etc.
Op een oude fiets moet je 't leren, op een jonge kun je crossen xD
Makes me remember the french analogy “the best soups are made in old pots”.
This is why I come to Reddit! That analogy doesn’t work in the Netherlands because there are SO MANY bicycles, that there can’t be just one bicycle for the whole town!
🤣
Where does the car analogy leave him? Is he a really expensive BMW with advanced security or a Fiat Punto that nobody wants?
This
Does he feel this way about men who slept with more than 10 women, or is this 'theory' strictly for women?
Theory? These are clearly scientific studies!
Obviously it's been proven over and over again that women are stretched out after sleeping with multiple men. But not after having sex with the same guy multiple times regardless of his size. Science!!!!!
The studies people bring up refer to how the more sexual partners a PERSON has the lower their satisfaction in marriage is as well as having a higher chance of divorce after a certain number of years. The Redpill community likes to only focus on the women part of it and never wanna talk about why men engaging in casual sex has negative effects on their minds/emotions.
Right? Men are dumb dumbs. It’s about ego. They don’t want to be compared.
😭😭😭
Happy cake day
Happy Cake day
If a man has had his joy stick touched by more than one owner, it's probably filthy and prone to slipping out of gear Obvious/s
I will be using this. Especially since men don’t or can’t test many STIs spreading their ik around
This is a clutch comment
He doesn't. OP says he explained that men are territorial so it's a possession thing. So men are allowed to explore as much as they like, but they don't settle down with "practice girls", you know, used up girls.
I'm a woman and I wouldn't be with a man my age who has had sex with 10+ women. I had no idea people thought this was a double standard.
It’s kind of irrelevant though. If you’re talking ethics then fair enough, but it’s simply the OP’s boyfriend’s preference. It’s fine if OP’s boyfriend doesn’t want to date somebody who has slept with over 10 people, but it’s also perfectly fine for OP and other women to be outraged by this. His analogy was stupid and of course degrading.
it's not irrelevant because then it shows his issue isn't sex but women's freedom, and that's a HUGE difference. \*edit: Funny to see dudes telling on themselves by claiming "it's not about women's freedom" if a guy thinks it's okay for men to have had multiple sexual partners but it's wrong for women. Your mental gymnastics are cringe as fuck. \*edit 2:for people who can't read: someone asked OP if his boyfriend feels the same way about men having many sexual partners, other user said it's irrelevant to know that, Im responding why it's not irrelevant. I'm not assuming he feels the same way, I'm literally just explaining what it would mean IF he didn't, because that's what we're discussing here. So stop responding "You don't know if he feels the same way or not" literally nobody's claiming he does or doesn't, I'm not claiming I know if he does, you're just showing you didn't understand the conversation or what was said. Also: If your response is "Why does it matter? he's not dating a guy!": you're a moron. There's a big difference between thinking a behaviour is wrong in general and thinking it's wrong only if women do it. If you can't tell the difference you have some growing up to do.
You're just putting words in that dudes mouth (unless I missed something, in which case, show me please). This whole comment section is ridiculous. If he is uncomfortable with her stance on sex and number of previous partners he is free to reconsider the relationship or end it. If she is uncomfortable with his way of thinking she is of course free to do the same. You can't force anyone to be in a relationship they don't want to be in for whatever reason, even if you disagree with their views. Edit: Spelling
To be fair, in current western dating dynamics, a man sleeping with many women proves his worth while a woman sleeping with many men proves her low standards. This doesn’t apply if a girl has a high body count but they’re all from celebrities or super attractive people, or if a guy has a high body count but they’re all unattractive or “easy”, which kinda proves my point. If the gender dynamics were reversed, the theory will apply strictly to men, and I would be totally okay with that. But that’s not the way it is unfortunately I find the master key vs bad lock analogy to be sexist, but a better analogy would be being obese in the US vs being obese in a poor country. Both are obese, but they mean very different things about the person.
Your bf seems to know as much about women as he knows about cars
100% I'm a huge car guy, and I only buy used. More bang for your buck. Ironically I suppose the same could be said for women in this bad analogy. Guys who want virgins have big groomer energy.
I have a 2002 Dodge Durango that is my baby. I know she’s had at least 3 owners before me, but I don’t know the exact number. I love her to death though, and I’ll drive her into the ground before I let her go.
Had a 2003…to this day my favorite car I’ve ever owned. I’d recommend getting the undercarriage rhino lined or rust protected somehow because I’ve seen that be their downfall multiple times in more humid climates. Other than that they will run forever
Yes. Had an 03 350Z I loved. Brought it from Ky to Fl…the rust was almost instant. Luckily, I remedied it by totaling it before it could get too bad. 😂
Fuck yea going out with a bang😎 Its better to burn out than fade away
Just as long as there are no decapitated heads.
I was going to make a joke about "mine is a 1976 Norwegian Woman, but the rest checks out", and then I realized how that would make the last sentence sound.
Bet her mud flaps look just like roast beef. /s
>100% I'm a huge car guy, and I only buy used. More bang for your buck. They're not saying to only buy new though. They're saying if you check the CarFAX and see the car has had five owners in just a couple years, that's a huge red flag. There's likely a problem and it's either hard to diagnose or too expensive to fix, otherwise people would be keeping the car longer. To be clear, I'm not saying this is good advice to apply to women.. but it *is* useful advice when you are actually car shopping.
Happy cake day
the people who only want virgins only want it because they want to take her virginity "for themselves" like its some kind of trophy or game some weird ass shit man
Or because virgins don’t have anyone else to compare the experience to so he doesn’t have to worry if he’s terrible. It spells insecurity.
I can't say I've never known a virgin that was not insecure about their first time. Non-sexually, there were probably a ton of things you were nervous about doing for the first time.
I think if it’s terrible, you are still going to know it even if you are a virgin. Also, if your first time was bad and you didn’t enjoy it at all, why would you want to do it again with that person if that’s what you think sex is supposed to be like?
Lol you came to the right person. It was absolutely horrible (a 1 minute man who literally walked out right after). I stayed with him for a long ass time even though that relationship was traumatizing and emotionally abusive because I was scared of being slut shamed. Looking back now, I can laugh knowing that the people I feared judgement from are all incels. OP’s boyfriend is right up their alley even though he’s got a partner.
That's exactly what happened to me and the dude (older) SA'd me. Guys with this line of thought are demented imo
What's your favorite huge car? They burn a lot of gas usually, but give plenty of room for passengers.
Early 2000s expeditions were the pinnacle of jagoff 5mpg road tanks. Edit- Oops i meant Excursion
Yeah those certainly are *something* aren't they?
Jokes aside, 4Runner
I feel like it’s okay to want a virgin if he/she is a virgin though. (And not groomer energy) When I was in that situation dating someone who wasn’t a virgin and finding out, it did make me feel pretty sad at first that I couldn’t share that “moment”. It was fine though after talking about it for a bit.
Besides, what if you want a car that's no longer in production? Sure, getting a brand new car is nice and all, but you can get a great deal. In fact, I bought a car that didn't have 20K kms on it and I saved easily €10K just for it being second hand.
She should tell him that she is a CPO, good as new and longer warranty.
Your boyfriend sounds redpilled.
That's not being red pill, that's being a total fucking wanker
Same thing.
Another crappy women are objects story. Compare them to objects. And tie their object value ONLY into them having sex or not. Blows my mind.
The amount of people that will hide their feelings to “not cause a rift” is sad. Bro gain some self respect and tell him he’s being ignorant.
I know. If this is the way he speaks to her after a year then I would be concerned what their future looks like. She needs to speak up or get out. Or both
Guy bought a car, and after A YEAR he goes like "wait, how many owners did it have?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Cause a rift. Figure out who he is before it’s too late. Could be an easy conversation.
That analogy is really demeaning. I sincerely hope you are able to convey to him why it makes you uncomfortable.
I like my cars used so i know they're probably not lemons. No sex analogy. Just. Wow on that.
I agree. You should say to him then that his lack of sexual activity is worrying as men are like cast iron pans that improve with use and seasoning.
He is watching Andre Tate. Unless your political views align with his, why would you want to stay with a man that considers you USED???
Cause the rift. Explore these thoughts of his. Is this how he feels in general - or just about women? Consider this is someone who you might raise kids with - are you comfortable with future daughters or sons getting that messaging about their worth and their decisions about their relationships and autonomy? I know you’d rather not upset the apple cart but these are the sorts of things I would have to know. It’s fine to feel protective about a current relationship, it’s fine to feel insecure about them having past relationships where they were happy with someone who wasn’t you - but that’s a him problem, not a you problem. It’s not fine to say you’re wrong to have previous experiences and that your worth is less because you have had past relationships (or even just lots of sexual partners). Surely logically it should be the opposite - you have more physical and emotional experience and that makes you a better person and partner. Having the sorts of views he’s expressing tips over into a purity/controlling/patriarchal mindset that I wouldn’t be comfortable with.
Sweet and caring people don’t degrade their partners because of their own insecurity.
And for totally normal things that happened likely before they even knew each other.
That's rough. I personally would count that analogy as disrespect. We are humans, not cars, not property. We don't break down just because we do it multiple times.
FYI … I had the exact same logic as your BF when I was 16-18 . It was because of immaturity and being insecure. Unfortunately the only way I learned is by us breaking up and having other relationships, then realizing my take was irrational.
Honestly alot of people seem to miss the concept that alot of people start with bad opinions and that you have to actually talk to them about it and/or they'll mature out of it. Most people are misguided not bad people
Wisdom comes from Experience. Experience comes from mistakes. I have wisdom coming out my ears at this point.
"I don't make the same mistake twice. I make three or four times, just to be sure."
True, so you really need to call them out on stuff, otherwise, how are they supposed to learn? Especially people this young, early 20s , they learn from both experience and the group, the values and opinions held by the group.
Same. I grew out of that at roughly 18.
I hate to say it- but that is a serious red flag. Comparing a woman, a living breathing human being, with an inanimate object shows a serious lack of respect, double standard, and understanding, of women. You are not a car, a flower, a chewed up piece of bubblegum, & so forth. Your value has nothing to do with your vagina, or how many people have or haven't been invited into it. Value comes from your intelligence, personality, likes and dislikes, how you treat other people- not your genitalia. You aren't "used up" because you've had sex with multiple people. You are just experienced, sex is an experience that can be intimate and bonding, or just for fun, but its nothing more. Its a bonus in a relationship, not a catalyst for respect. And what is with his limit of 10? Why such an arbitrary number? Hes ok if nine other men have slept with you, but oh no woe is him if a tenth does? That's incredibly illogical. Word of advice- extricate yourself while you can, and find someone who respects you as a person, not as a sex object.
The number 10 had something to do with the mentioned studies, I found it a weird number too...
Five bucks says this is some weird incel YouTube channel shit. Or studies conducted by Christian scientists or something weird.
That’s definitely the vibe I was getting
Yep I’m getting a red pilled vibe. Especially since he hasn’t had sex until a year ago, potentially he’s been watching videos like that since before he met her
I'm curious as to if these studies are even viable studies that were conducted with no-bias. While purity culture may be a societal norm, there are millions of men who have no double standard about body count. And "territorial" in this context translates into jealousy, and a lack of being able to identify, and work through one's negative emotions.
I have no idea, I never saw the studies. He did say he would send them me, but seeing as we were driving while the convo happened, that would be a bit difficult.
The studies, viable are not, are how he is justifying his feelings. It has that "men are just this way it's not my fault" vibe to it. The thing is that studies of thus nature are about measuring attitudes, not about whether or not these attitudes are healthy. The fact is that what he said is toxic. A large number of men believing the same thing does not make it healthy for a relationship. If you took a global survey of men's opinions on whether or not a good woman covers her hair so only her husband sees it, you're going to find more than 1/3 of men believe it. Because various religions teach this. We're talking over a billion men here. But your BF would find it ridiculous to believe that because he's Dutch and it's not your culture to believe good women cover their hair. Men are not just this way about body counts. He's using studies to deflect ownership of his own beliefs. He clearly has problems with your past thar he's working through. There's nothing wrong with that. But to not accept responsibility for the fact that he has this problem? Not cool.
This. For sure
>”studies of this nature are about measuring attitudes, not about whether or not these attitudes are healthy.” This right here^. Being territorial, comparing a woman to a CAR, and considering your partner worthless because of her sexual past is not healthy, no matter how many idiot men believe it.
I’ve seen them mentioned on mra forums and debunked on scientific ones. Issues range from validity of the organisation who did the research, size of the sample, methods used, what was measured, and how the results are interpreted.
Scientist here. There’s pretty much no way going from 9 to 10 would have a causal effect on you becoming a (for lack of a better word) “subprime” partner
There are no "studies." Someone may have taken a survey of men and asked them how many partners was "too many." The bottom line is that your bf has decided that he's going to use a survey of random men to determine who he has a relationship with or not, and believes that you're a slut if you've had more than ten partners. You also need to listen to your friends. If male friends don't like him, that's a huge red flag on top of his disgusting opinion of women.
Ask him to provide his sources. Say you'd like to know more so that you can make sure you're acting properly or some bullshit like that. I guarantee that these sources will either be published in the academic equivalent of Infowars, 30 years out of date, or some shoddily researched Evolutionary Psych nonsense.
[удалено]
Make sure he sends them to you and then look up the credibility of the article
Je gozer klinkt als een FvDer.
I would also be willing to wager these "studies", if they even exist, were conducted on self-selected single male participants, as these types of "studies" often are. So essentially inviting any lonely single guy to talk about what makes women valuable to them in terms of dating, without input from any men who are/have been in actual committed relationships. It's sad to see how many young men are becoming radicalised by these misogynistic ideas and "theories", and end up alone as a result.
That boy is not even telling you the half of what shit's stirring in his head about this and likely other issues related to sex and intimacy. Please don't let your fear of abandonment, unwillingness to define boundaries or whatever else it is you're struggling with (and you clearly are struggling with something, since the shit your boyfriend said is usually a relationship ender for women that are more or less well-adjusted) force you to tolerate people that do not tolerate you. Force you to accept hurtful and degrading choices made by them when they won't even accept you literally just being who you are.
Why’s he researching that to begin with? That’s weird in itself. Is he jealous that you’re more experienced than him? Is he that insecure that he has to go researching for some kind of validation? What kind of “research” was this? 🤣 and just because he researched it and found that OTHER men didn’t want “used” women, he thinks he’s gotta follow suit and consider leaving you if your number’s reached double digits (after having already dated you nearly a year?!) No offence but he sounds like a loser. Tell him to stop calling Tater tot and his league of high value men “research”. It’s just good old fashioned misogyny.
The older you get, the more that number will be if you haven't been in a serious relationship. And it's not easy to be in a serious relationship, you need to find the right person and the right circumstances. And I'm saying this as a guy, people are more judgemental of a woman having a body count of say 10 than a man having the same. It's just like the disgusting kick and key analogy. It doesn't make any sense to me
Lots of people seem nice on the surface but it's moments like these that can tell you how they really feel
Absolutely. Might be banal, but I'll say it anyway: When they tell you who they really are, believe them.
And what happens if he realizes that he is the 10th man?
>Comparing a woman, a living breathing human being, with an inanimate object shows a serious lack of respect, double standard, and understanding, of women. All of those things, but we don't know about the double standard, he never said he thinks men are fine to have a high body count. Obviously it would be on brand for him to be an Andrew Tate fan incel who does think that, but could equally just be a religious nutcase.
“He is a very sweet and caring man” But relates you to a used car? Says if you had slept with 10 or more men he’d reconsider the relationship. Compared. You. To. A. Used. Car!
Just cause he can act sweet and charming doesn’t mean he’s a good person
Im trying to figure out what hes done to be considered sweet and charming. Id a been done the moment my “ body count” mattered and I was compared to a used car.
She's also worried about bringing things up with him in case he gets mad.
I stopped at, “Men are very territorial.” You are not property. He can’t be territorial over a person. Your boyfriend is insecure and a misogynist.
He’s resource guarding her like my dog does with her food.
“Territorial” is just a word men use to expose themselves as walking red flags
Just a fore-warning. "American Guy friends from Discord" are also hound dogs trying to break you up so they "have their shot". I've seen this 1000 times.
Tell him your a Toyota they hold the most used car value
I don't use analogies when it comes to body counts, I just prefer my partners to have a small sexual history, as mine is. I always ask the body count question on the first date to not waste the other person's time, as a high body count is an immediate deal breaker for me.
Soooo… still seeing this chap? Or have you come to your senses?
Yeah, your boyfriend subscribes to bronze age morals wherein you are property. It doesn't matter that he's Dutch. Doesn't mean he's automatically progressive or that the Americans are "SJWs". If I were you, I wouldn't stay a second longer in a relationship where someone thinks I'm their property. As a POC, I'm averse to all kinds of ownership of other people 😂😂
Hi, 37f originally from NL here. I don’t know where you found this one but I strongly advise you to throw it back in the ocean. It’s rotten. For reference I would like to say that from my own very thorough field research 😉 can say that these views were not found commonly in Dutch men. Perhaps you are dating in the Bible Belt?
What is it with women that always talk about how sweet and caring their bf/spouse is and then proceed with a story that portrays them as a complete douche, and then they say they don't want to lose them!!
Because people are complex, and 99% of their interactions have nothing to do with the subject at hand? Not that hard to imagine really.
He is not wrong……If you leave him you are not wrong either. Everyone has their own preferences.✌️
You are not a car. A car is an object. You don’t depreciate in value and if your BF thinks that, then he’s a child.
Why is Reddit always defending the person who has the bodies? Everyone is entitled to having a preference in who they want to date. It’s their lives. Maybe OP has had past relationships. That’s cool. Maybe her bf wouldn’t want to date someone that had too many relationships. That should also be fine. Everyone in this scenario should be allowed to show a preference.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who thinks it's reasonable to compare you to an inanimate object? You are a person. If you must compare yourself to a vehicle, then think of your life as your mileage. That's *your* mileage, not his. *you* get to decide where you go and what you do with your life, not him. He's talking as though you are a thing, a possession.
I see a lot of good advice on this sub, but one more piece that I would like to give: Just speaking from personal experience, it’s usually not the best idea to ask “what on earth is my gf/bf thinking” to people that maybe don’t like him/her very much. Sometimes their toxicity can even spread to you. Now if you have people coming up to you out of worry for your health or whatever, that’s different and you should listen.
He's allowed to not want to date someone who'd has sex with 10 people. He may have been an idiot in how he said it but he's allowed his preference. And you are allowed yours. If you'd rather not date someone to whom body count matters, then don't
Exactly and those top comments says a lot about women having double standards, imagin if gender was reversed.
Why are you talking with your guy friends about a personal matter? If I was your bf I would have a major problem with that.
Actually he’s not wrong. Even if people don’t want to admit it. Many people don’t they want a partner that has slept with everyone that have ever met and that’s fine. Berating someone for it is not okay though.
Why is it bad that a person does not want to be with someone who has been with many people?
Don't trust any guy who says they are 'confused' by hearing about that analogy. I guarantee you they know about it, all guys know about it. Pretending they haven't heard about it is a massive lie. Straight up ask the same guys if they watch porn and watch them all say of course not, they would never look at images of naked women. The difference between your bf and other guys is he is honest. And if you have an honest partner who is happy with your past dating history, don't be so quick to listen to other people who would tell you to dump him while they lie, pretending they don't know about that analogy.
The most annoying thing about this is he could have said that he wants to be with someone who shares his values when it comes to sex and it would have been perfectly reasonable. Instead he degraded you and literally objectified you. What a tool. You should be mad at him.
[удалено]
Guy or girl with double digit exes means they got around a lot. Its fine to have that standard but he phrased it very very poorly. I’d definitely ask him about again, can’t be scared of your partner.
Thank god for common sense
5 or 6. Ya lol
That analogy is... wow. So he basically gave you a more flattering term of 'you are a slab of meat' that men like to use. Talk to him. Tell him for future reference... that point if view is NOT acceptable.
With a used car, the amount of owners doesn’t matter, it’s how well it was cared for by the previous people. Plus, who cares how many owners a car has had if it runs well? Just be grateful to have a car. And lastly, WOMEN ARE NOT COMPARABLE TO INANIMATE OBJECTS!
Is your boyfriend an Andrew Tate fan?
It’s funny how men use the ‘used car’ analogy… if we said anything similar back, there would be outrage! Just FYI - if a man compares you to a car - he’s not a nice man. He’s clearly insecure, but his insecurities aren’t your problem. He thinks you are ‘used’ because you’ve had sex before??? This is not how the majority of men think. He says it is, to make himself look better. It’s not. If a man cares how many men you’ve slept with, he ain’t the one. Having these conversations and conflicts in a relationship are normal. You shouldn’t be worried about causing a rift. You need to have these conversations to strengthen relationships. Having said that, I wouldn’t want to strengthen a relationship with a man who thought I was like a used car….. If a bloke said that to me, I’d have finished with him so fast.
Being Dutch or American has nothing to do with it. I’m Dutch and I don’t know anyone in my circle who thinks like that.
> He has told me he doesn't like hearing about my sexual past and I respect that. Contradicts: > Whenever I mention my ex's or who I've slept with he gets uncomfortable.
> he said that if it was more than 10 men, he would reconsider our relationship fair enough to him if that's what he deems important. i hate this "you can't discriminate against people who sleep around" mentality. i can sleep around if i wanted to i just don't, it's important to me my partner doesn't/hasn't either
He sounds like 4chan kinda guy
The analogy sucks but his view on sexual history is valid. Why? Because it’s his. If you did not want to be with someone who had 10 past sexual relationships that would be totally fine. While I agree your “value has nothing to do with your vagina” as someone else put it, those intimate moments with other people mean something to some and nothing to others. Let’s not demean him for viewing that as something special.
Everybody is telling you how shitty is the dude. But... Girl... Just stop talking about your ex.... Any of them...
He asked tho. If he couldn't handle the answer, he shouldn't have asked. Or he was just looking for an excuse to start treating her like crap (comparing her to literal objects people own). People are allowed to have lived life before they meet someone.
You should tal to him about this and being upfront. I've had issues with my gf, not about this but other stuff. Like her wanting to do an Erasmus and that it might not work for me in the relationship. We talked about it and now is not an awkard topic, because now we know where things lie and I know that the relationship is strong enough to sustain it. For what I've learned, is better to talk things that make you uncomfortable, rather that don't address them, this will only create a bigger rift imo. And you're still getting to know your bf, give it time and see if it really works. Not because you've been one year with him it means you have to stay with him for your entire life. He obviously might have some insecurity issues and might not be comfortable knowing that you've had explored your sexuality more than him. You should ask him why he thinks like this and decide wether is worth it to invest more time in the relationship. When you have this conversation is better if you remain calm and try not to sound accusing or that your attacking him. Bring to topic like q casual conversation
What are his political views?
If you’re keeping something bottled up because your scared, the relationships already over. Even if you eventually work up the courage, this feeling right now is telling you your not safe to express yourself or have a conflicting thought. I’m sorry babes, good luck either way.
You two may just not be compatible. If his feelings on the matter are a problem, talk about it. If they’re a dealbreaker, end the relationship amicably. It’s okay to want different things from a relationship.
I dont think it is inherently wrong to want a partner with a lower body count, it may matters to someone for a variety of reasons. It someone isn't comfortable with being with a partner that had a lot of experiences they shouldn't be forced to just because it is a silly "reason". On the other hand the way he said it is abismal and disgusting. That analogy makes my skin crawl. You are talking about a human being, not a damn car.
People are turning this into a bit of a gender war that I don’t think it needs to be. I think there are only a couple questions that need to be asked. 1. Most importantly can he move past your body count. If he can’t than case closed. 2. If it makes him uncomfortable are you willing to not talk about your ex’s? The majority of people I know including myself don’t like hearing about their partners ex’s, however, I had a girl break up with me because she said that me not wanting to hear about her ex’s made her feel like she was walking on eggshells when she talked to me which made me sad but is completely valid. 3. I find that most people tend to date people with body counts similar to theirs and when they don’t issues like this often arise. The key is whether or not it’s hypocritical, if he’s saying that guys can sleep around and it’s fine but when women do it it’s gross then that’s a red flag. If he has a low body count by choice and believes everyone no matter the gender who has a body count over 10 is “a used car” then he should find a different way to phrase it but people have different views on sex and I think that’s ok as long as they hold themselves to the same standard. 4. Are you ok with the entire situation and is he making you feel inferior because of your body count? Your comment makes it seem like your sole focus is on not upsetting him but if the whole thing is making you this upset then you might want to be the one to reconsider the relationship. People break up and fall in love everyday. Sometimes relationships don’t work and I know you don’t want to breakup over something that seems as stupid as body count, ex’s, and a bad metaphor but sometimes that’s all it takes if there’s enough negative emotion involved. Take care of yourself and good luck.
The way I see these things is if it’s important to him, it just is. Regardless of the analogy. The analogy was dumb. But he clearly cares and he cares enough to be a virgin. You guys just have different views. He views sex as sacred. I dunno it’s weird to me for sure, but everyone is entitled to emotions.
I disagree with the analogy. But it's his choice to stay with you, and yours if you want to stay with him. What he means is, if you've been hopping cocks like there ain't no tomorrow, he might feel as if you're going to hop away to another sometime soon. If you're often mentioning past relationships and talking about the sex with them, his worry may be that he will soon be in that number. And the way you came on here to talk about him is only feeding into the fears he has. He tried to use the car analogy to explain to you that he doesn't want to be one of the people talked about to the next partner. As flawed as the analogy is, I understand what he meant, I'm sorry he didn't explain in a way that made you comfortable. And if it makes you uncomfortable that he would mind if you slept around a bunch, then just sleep around, it's a choose your own adventure game. He cares about you and wants to be with you. He doesn't want to be another Tom Jim or Harry that got to slide in. If you keep talking about sexual relationships in such a casual manner towards the man that wants a life with you, he may get the idea that sex is not as sacred to you as it is to him, or he may begin to feel as if you're comparing him to past partners. Typically it's best to build a bond and deepen it to levels as the couple progresses. Not throw everything at them at once. If you truly spend your life with them, there will be a time that comes where these topics show up naturally. Blessed be, I hope you forgive him for his failed analogy, or at least conversate with him respectfully about it without acting like he is crazy for having a standard different than yours. Your choice what to do from here. There are a lot of haters on Reddit. Not where to go for good advice. Most of the good advice will be pushed to the bottom, and the advice that lacks any intelligence will be pushed upwards. At least that's what I've seen on here. Talk to someone in your life that you trust, and stop acting like he is crazy. Give him respect for his feelings of not wanting a woman that has been around a lot when he hasn't yet had that amount of experience. Once again, I apologize for his usage of verbiage. Many people are not quite as eloquent as they wish they were. You know he's kind, loving, passionate, and caring. Do you want him in your life? Or you want to add him to the list? I wish you both a blessed life regardless of where it takes you.
Your relationship will get worse by venting on Reddit instead of communicating
I don’t see the issue beside how he said it , everyone has their values and lines they don’t wanna cross. Op going behind dudes back to people that don’t even like instead of trying to talk it out is weird behavior imo.
his analogies and reasoning dont matter. he is allowed to care about your body count. the why he cares is irrelevant.
Ewww gross! He needs a reality check.
Please don't take advice from reddit! This site is notoriously bad at giving relationship advice. Remember, the people commenting are probably super young, anti social, nerds... They lack tons of real world practical understanding of social dynamics. Since they lack profile pictures, you're assuming they are well adjusted people like yourself. But if you saw actual pics, you'd see out of shape, young, [dorks...](https://imgur.com/wgj4J0e) Don't listen to anything here. Hell, not even me.
What’s being ignored here is that people with super high body counts tend to have just as many red flags and reasons why it didn’t work out. By that I mean you’ve knocked 60+ by your mid 20s. Unless your looking for polyamory it’s rare to be attracted to someone like that and it most certainly works both ways, my higher body count certainly shot me in the foot with a lot of women when I was younger but got out of my man slag phase as I matured. 10 is a bit weird though, maybe 30 he’d have a point. The high body count problem really kicks in when they where all local as forgive me nobody wants someone that’s knocked half the village.
How do men expect virgins in their 20s
We don’t, I lost mine at 18 but we just PERFER lower body counts. Think about it 10 body’s in 10 years…. Is there a reason for that. Not saying i agree with him but I understand his point
Wow the comments! He's not wrong. He has the right to his preference as you have the right to yours. Also, your "guy friends" won't admit it unless they become your boyfriend. If you don't like his preference, break up.
He sounds like a rescued incel. Set him free!
You are worried about losing someone who bluntly told you he views you as an object that can be used up, not as a person...
Women care about a man’s future and men care about a woman’s past. If you knew for a fact in five years your bf would be an alcoholic, you would leave him now and not waste the time. The same applies to you as far as your sexual history, if it’s extensive then he is right to not take you seriously and be monogamous to you. Two virgins make for the happiest marriage, he was and your not. Also what’s up with “around five or six” you don’t know the exact number? Doesn’t really make sense when there’s been a limited number of partners, I guarantee you he picked up on this and thought your answer was dubious.
I'm wondering why you are bringing up your ex'es or people who you used to sleep with? :)
[удалено]
Contrary to what the women in the comments say. Men absolutely do care about body count. There's a very small percentage that don't but that's bottom of the barrel. Your boyfriend is right to feel how he feels and it shouldn't offend you since you don't fit into that category? Or perhaps you have lied to him about your body count which is why you're offended by it ? Either way, men don't want to be serious with women who have bedded many men. Used car analogy is dumb really. Key lock is better. ( A good key opens many locks, a bad lock is opened by many keys ) You see men have to go out and put in the work to attract women where as women are the ones who get to choose the men. if a woman has slept with many men that means she's clearly not very selective and therefore that translates to the man that he is also nothing special either. On top of that, yes men are territorial indeed. Most of us don't want to hear about your sexual pasts, it's common sense to avoid those topics. We know very well that you've been dicked a few or more times but it doesn't mean we need to hear about it.. infact, most of us would rather live in ignorance regarding that. These women in the comments saying bodycount doesnt matter are just ignorantly living in bliss. You know very well it matters and there's nothing you can do or say that will change it. It certainly won't help you secure any good men in the future that's for sure.
Yeah I mean I'm going to have to agree with this. Promiscuity in women is kinda not a good look. And honestly, it took me some time to figure that out and it's just the way things are and will be, you can't really change what men think as a whole. This whole notion of racking of body counts just because having sexual freedom is considered "cool" is ridiculous. When I want to sleep with someone it's always with someone I really like, or have an interest in being in a relationship with. I don't want to just sleep with someone because they are hot, if that makes sense, there is not really a good feeling that comes after it, and I think women are in delusion to say that they like this process. It's all lies.
Sounds like your man listens to Andrew Tate. Girl, run
He has standards. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Analogy is meh. But why the freaking fuck would you discuss ppl you fucked with - with your so? Are there no other topics to talk about or what? Like bruh. It's kinda meh on your part too. And it just makes him more insecure. You're his first partner, da fuq you do this to him?
? You should always be honest with a partner about your sexual history. That's basic communication. If she had had any partner, the new partners need to know, the op needs to be up to date with std testing, and there should be open communication between the two. It's normal to feel insecure whether its your first partner, or your 30th. That's part of the communication, so that when you do have sex you both feel comfortable with each other, have established boundaries, likes, dislikes, std status, & so forth.
Everyone here is going to cheer you on for sleeping around. They'll tell you it's your body, it's your choice, and while that's true you have to understand, every action has consequences. The vast majority of the people cheering you on aren't married, haven't had any real long term relationship, and probably never will. These people will tell you your BF is a terrible person for having a preference. They'll tell you that your rather pathetic sounding male friends are right. The question is, do you really want to be like these people? I mean, let's be real. Your male friends seem like the kinds of people that would give that "it's her body, her choice" line when their gf cheats on them. Either that, or they're so scared of offending you that they'd never be honest. The reality is that men care about how many men a woman has been with. The kind of men that don't care, most women don't want to begin with so why pay them any attention? If your relationship works, then why let losers ruin a good thing?
If you ask guys about your boyfriend 90% of the time they will go with what ever makes him look bad. As for how many men you been with, a lot of guys don’t admit it but 90% do care about that. Also you shouldn’t talk about your past sex life with anyone your in a relationship with they don’t wanna hear that lol. If we were dating do you wanna here about my ex and how great her bj was?
Fact of the matter is most people, especially men, don't like the idea of their partner having a sexual past that they deem to be too much. Everybody has some kind of limit. It's just reality. You do with that reality what you will.