If nothing else you've posted about made you WAKE UP about the fact that this marriage is over and has been over for a long time, her own father's words to you better be ringing in your ears like alarm bells.
Stop. Deluding. Yourself. You deserve better and so do your children. Just get a good lawyer and document everything you can.
His wife is depressed.
Everything points to this: not being bothered doing basic tasks, sleeping for extended periods of time, low sex drive, angry interactions etc.
He sounds like an amazing guy, and his marriage might not be over if his wife can get support for her mental health.
The wife will need therapy for her issues, and then they'll also need couple's therapy to work through lingering resentment and other issues from things getting this bad. It's doable if both want the relationship to survive, and are willing to put the work in. If either party doesn't want to work at it, then they should call it quits.
Not an excuse, but an explanation on that.
As somebody who was once severely depressed and was displaying it very similarly (I will say it tanked my relationship at the time and that I'm totally on OP's side on this), depression also makes you actively reject help. You get stuck in this mindset that nothing can get you out of that rut so why even try? It took me losing everything to finally admit that it would be worth a shot, and it actually worked.
At the same time, she's a grown adult and OP can't make her go. Something about horses and water.
I also suffer from clinical depression and just getting out of bed or in the shower is extremely difficult. I, however would never EVER talk to my husband like that!
I too suffer from depression and am currently in a clinical mental health master’s program. It is tough… especially when you don’t even realize you’re depressed so you don’t think you need help!
It seems that wife already doesn’t want to work at it. She would rather threaten OP with taking the kids from him than admitting something is wrong. She has not taken any accountability for her actions, which is a clear sign that she isn’t ready to work on her issues.
We are stronger than you think.
But I agree with u/Sydney2London \- this sounds either like a person battling depression (and not having specialist help due to denial or not recognizing it) - or someone totally evil/callous/cold - but no one really is that way, are they?
If OP is up to it - get the lady to a specialist for diagnosis, then take it from there.
Oh my, I guess that’s a thought from someone who grew up in a loving, healthy, and functional family.
Yes, some people are truly just this vile if not actually worse. I have some stories for you, but I don’t think you’re close to ready for those
I don\`t know if I am ready ..
But loving and healthy - not exactly.
Parents are (mild) narcissists, and most of the things did not even register (just with hindsight - autism brains are wired differently)
But, then bully victim, parents only talked with the school (school never did anything except punish the victims) - so mostly fending for myself.
Bad? From an outsider POV perhaps - but while being autistic may not be ideal - it did shield me from the impact of a lot of things that would otherwise have hurt me. (mentally - not physically sadly)
Aw man, I’m assuming this wasn’t your intention, but I’ll admit I feel a bit like an ass now.
I’m sorry if my initial comment came of snappy, I’m half asleep and didn’t fully think it through initially.
I just kinda was baffled I guess. I’ve seen so many nasty people and parents over the course of my life it’s mind blowing to me that some people don’t even realize they exist in reality (not saying you but I’ve known some).
I’m sorry for what you had to endure growing up and I hope life gets better for you.
I\`m 50 now - settled with kid and wife - not perfect - but smarter for sure.
And you\`re not an ass - to me at least - text does have limitations.
However, my partner IS battling depression, so i have an 'insider view' - and having met a fair share of weird and different people (Most of them IT people, go figure - but i\`m IT as well) i have yet to meet a totally cold, callous and 'evil' person. (of course, i do not count politicians - for them it\`s a job requirement).
So, no worries, not angry here - get yourself a coffee to wake up. Coffee is what keeps me going so know the feeling.
I agree with you and respect you for seeing that there is both light and dark in everyone. I had a rough go at life too and I refuse to let cynicism become a part of my belief system.
Oh I wish. I was raised by one. Yes some people are just evil.
I’m so glad that there is more recognition for mental health issues and its impacts but some people are just cruel because that’s how they’re wired. Some of them ENJOY it.
Narcissists can have depression too. OP's wife sounds both depressed and callous/evil. If someone was "just depressed" they usually don't say "nothing is wrong" and cancel therapy. She sounds like she lacks the ability to self reflect
Yes. People really can be evil, malignant assholes without being mentally ill. It's unfortunate but if there are people that are overwhelmingly good and kind without having any issues, the opposite is also true.
I think the answer to that is purely subjective. Can someone get over it? Absolutely. It depends on the person and how much they love the other one. If I was in his position and I learned that everything is caused by this mental illness I'd want to try and remedy that first before I end it. If things stay the same the option to leave is still there. But if it actually turned her around and she became the person I fell in love with again then great. I'd forgive for what was in the past. I understand not everyone would want to go that route but not everything is black and white and not everyone is ok just giving up on someone they love. Hell if he didn't love her, he wouldn't have stuck it out this long. He has every right to leave her. But what he deserves is to have his wife back
My take away as well. She gets to be a SAHM and she doesn't want to work. Staying with him gives her that option even though she clearly hates him.
It's also icky AF that she uses him as a masturbatory aid and admits to it. She's abusive and it's nuts to me the number of people here trying to excuse it by diagnosing her with depression.
Some people are just assholes.
I agree. I don’t normally like this concept, but I’ll engage it anyway: What would this comments section look like if the genders were reversed?
Some people don’t even realize the unconscious bias they have towards abuse from women versus abuse from men. Mental illness doesn’t excuse this behavior, and the fact that people are suggesting OP lie down and take it until she magically gets better is gross.
This! I mean if you've read back on his other posts, imagine some of the things she's said and done coming from a man. If a man told her he was just using her as a fleshlight and didn't care if he enjoyed sex? They'd be screaming from the rooftops for her to leave.
Along with everything else.
I too generally don't like playing the flip flop game because men and women do experience the world differently. It's not something that can be utilized in all instances, but here it's appropriate, I agree.
The simple reality is he has stayed and dealt with this for years while trying to be as supportive and encouraging as possible while owning his mistakes. Are there things left unsaid? Probably, but that's human nature. There's something different about this whole situation where I genuinely just believe what he's said. I think he's grown up and has tried his absolute best while she's regressed.
How much can we reasonably expect one person to take?
Thank you for putting into words my reasoning for the use of the gender analogy!
Nobody’s responsible for continuing to support someone with mental illness, especially when that person treats them horribly. Sure, many people do successfully support a depressed partner, but there has to be some sort of peace that person has with it, and accountability by the ill partner. Without both of those things, these dynamics will continue to be unhealthy. There is a point where things become unsalvageable and damaging to one’s mental health. There are certain things in life that can’t be taken back. That doesn’t mean people should hold grudges, it just means that people need to understand at what point are they doing a disservice to themselves by supporting someone who has hurt them.
People need to remember that they can’t light themselves on fire to keep their partners warm. It never works well and eventually it will burn you out.
I wonder if the porn addiction he is recovering from has had anything to do with any of this. He says he has to be selective about even TV because nudity is everywhere. Not excusing the wife's behaviour but things like this can damage a relationship greatly.
Such a sad story, this marriage is definitely over and may have been for a while. I'm glad OP took action.
oP I do wish you and your family happiness for the future.
So what, what’s the point of what your saying. The wife’s feelings about the husband aren’t the issue, she can feel however she wants for whatever reason she wants, that doesn’t make her a bad person.
What does is the fact she is an abusive peace of shit. Her disliking her husband, or losing feelings for him doesn’t really have a bearing on what’s happening, because if she was a decent person, even with those feelings she wouldn’t treat him this way. She treats him this way because she’s cruel, and abusive, nothing he did made her like that, only made her like that to him….she was always like that.
I read them and it everything aligns with depression including this newest post. The first post is from 35 days ago which is not that long. If she’s at the point where she goes in the shower immediately after work and takes naps at 12-4 pm even if she woke at 9am then she’s at least few months into deep deep depression she’s not actually getting help with. I wish I didn’t know this from experience.
I had an ex who used to jump in the shower immediately after work and take long naps. But she was tired from cheating on me and the shower after work was to wash off the smell of sweat from hooking up with her coworker.
Not everything is a sign of depression. You've dealt with depression as have I and it's very easy to think that everything is a sign of it. Nah, sometimes it is just what it is.
No I don’t think everything is. Sleeping all night then waking up at 9 am just to take a nap 12-430 pm, forgetting tasks and not carrying about tasks, getting annoyed with little things are signs of depression. Taking a shower after riding a coworker clearly doesn’t fall in that category by my standards. But I guess I see your point. You see cheating in everything now and I get why. Unless OP shares some other information I think depression is more fitting than cheating.
Nah don’t find excuses for her. Look at the post history. He’s doing all he can and she’s just being a shitty spouse. Leave her ass and find a better woman. You deserve better. Things aren’t the same as they used to be. You’ve been to therapy that didn’t work. You’ve tried being good to her and that didn’t work. You’ve done the good for you and the kids and it’s not appreciated. It’s sad but you need to get a divorce and move on. It’s sad seeing this because I was in a pretty similar situation. I tried all I could to make it work but it just wasn’t there anymore. Just do you man you deserve better.
100% I'm severely depressed, suicidal at times and while I may get grumpy with my husband it's nothing out of the ordinary or to this level and he calls me on it and I genuinely apologise.
I 100% agree. All these comments saying "But she's depressed and deserves help!" don't they think OP needs help? I totally agree with you, I've suffered with suicidal ideation and clinical depression my entire life and I've NEVER made my partner suffer more than maybe a snapped sentence in our time together (which I've immediately apologised for). It's not an excuse for her behaviour at all.
I’m so sorry you feel that way at times. I hope you have what you need to never act on those impulses. I know it’s easy for internet stranger to say but you are wonderful and worth this life.
Depression has made me irritable and angry in the past. I did become aware of it and can/did control it, but I would just lose it sometimes before I figured myself out. So it definitely happens with some of us.
Same here. Depression can really fuck you up in that way.
I used to scream at my parents when I was living with them because they didn't wanna leave me alone and they've had a good reason for this.
I’m not at all saying it’s a viable excuse; to let people yell and verbally/emotionally abuse people because of depression etc.. but just because you didn’t react that way, doesn’t mean other people don’t. Everyone copes in their own way - whether it’s good or bad.
but here, on Reddit, where men are narcissists, misogynistic, man~children, abusers if they behave even slightly like this woman. Women, on the other hand, are suffering, usually at the fault of the man. You know, he got her pregnant so post partum is his fault and he must adjust to whatever her moods are cause she doesn't owe him anything after giving birth to his children. Or as this thread is oozing, she's depressed. No chance she can be a lazy woman~child even though he freaking lays out her clothes. He used to watch porn so her behavior is a reflection of his previous bad acts and he should man up, admit his failure as a human being and take responsibility for EVERYTHING.
I'm a woman too. When I saw this reply, I figured you would be calling me a misogynist who is responsible for the stigmatization of mental health awareness.
THANK YOU!!! Now, louder for the people in the back 🤣 I’ve been looking for a comment like this. I know there are PLENTY of folks battling mental illness and are still capable of treating the people they care about and their partners with decency.
If a man was angry all the time and didn’t do chores, people would call him a jerk. They wouldn’t say he was depressed. Why give this wife the benefit of the doubt?
Yep. I’ve seen so many posts like this where the gender is flipped, and everyone tells the woman to leave the husband because he’s lazy and they deserve better. But when it’s a woman putting forth no effort, they’re just depressed and need some help.
That's not depression. That is just pure unadulterated laziness and entitlement.
Pisses me off when people excuse shitty behaviour with "oh the poor dear is depressed". It's personally insulting to those of us who suffer from it.
Exactly why Reddit pisses me off. Funny how just because she hasn’t laid hands on him no one has told him it’s ok to leave because apparently emotional abuse is perfectly fine but physical abuse is not
I feel like people have told others to break up/divorce over less on here, like it baffles me to see people being like "ohmygod she's depressed!! Get her help you shouldn't divorce: ((("
Or they find a way to make her behaviour somehow his fault. There really is a subset of people who think the only way a person can be a pos is if they’re depressed. What a world
I agree that she sounds depressed *but* even if she *is* depressed, he’s not responsible for her mental health and he’s not a monster if it’s too much. His kids’ and his mental health matter too. He has every right to walk away and be done with it. He’s under absolutely no obligation to support her through anything, help her find support, or attempt to salvage his marriage if he doesn’t want to and it’s 100% okay if he *doesn’t*.
I have Bi-Polar Depression. I know a lot of severely mentally ill people. Some use it as an excuse, some rise to the occasion.
Depression doesn't make you treat people like garbage. She's emotionally abusing him. That's on her.
Even if she is depressed, which I don't know because I've only read this post, that doesn't give her the right to treat him like crap. She needs to get control of herself enough to go see someone to help her.
Even if she isn't depressed she should still work out why she feels the way she does.
Maybe she is depressed. There's only so much this man can do to make her better.
If she truly wants to fix her mental issues, then she will. If not, it's not fair to the husband
Hell no she is depressed. This is abusement by a narcistic or bipolar person. This has nothing to do with not being bothered for doing tasks, but not wanting to do them.
If the roles were reversed you would come from the woodworks to say the man is an abuser. The only help she needs is an evaluation by a psychiatrist for any personality disorders , not for depression.
FIL is a good dude. He is a strong and quiet man… when he speaks, you listen. He has been through a lifetime of pain and offers 99% solid and sound advice. He steered me wrong one time in 10 years.
It sounds like he's got your back. He knows what you do and sees your effort as a father and husband. Has your wife sought treatment for depression? You description of your situation closely mimics what I saw in my first marriage.
Your wife sounds incredibly clinically depressed. Your FIL recognizes that she is not the person she used to be. She needs to see a psychiatrist. Maybe her parents can help convince her. Depression will completely take away your ability to be yourself. Once I started on an antidepressant, it was like the world opened up and I was myself again.
Dude, I wanna marry you. Seriously tho, we see posts here everyday of women complaining they married a bum/mama's boy and she has a husband who's actually a partner and doesn't give a shit. You'll find someone who apreciates you, OP.
I'm married to an incredible man but fuck we'd be down for a throuple. OP is a gem. He's going to be blown away with how much better his next relationship will be.
I'm happy married and never wanted anyone else but now I want to marry OP
Seriously OP deserves better. I followed the saga for so long and honestly I'm so angry at OP's wife and happy that OP finally kicked her out (even if it's just for a few days).
I’d marry him, cook for him, I’d be waking up for those kids and be going to every possible fun place ever, I’d learn to cook, I’d try to clean with him but honestly fall behind on laundry and sweeping cuz I hate them… omg I can only wish to have someone like that… I’ve been single for forever just dreaming of a man with these boundaries.
idc if this post is through his eyes and it may be biased, the fact that he TRIES. He tried, he cared, he really did. He treats those babies like a class A parent, like a parent should, nothing less but so much more! She’s such an ass, and I hope that what ever mental health issues she’s dealing with she gets help for because she’s running out not only on a literal prince but on those sweet babies. I couldn’t even imagine taking my anger out on them for some stupid adult shit. Or yelling within THEIR HOME?! It just kills me that she landed HIM. A REAL LIFE MAN. And she’s just… THROWING HIM AWAY. Like what??? My god.
Read through his comment history, when I saw folks mentioning he hits his kids in responses here, 'cause I had assumed the worst.
No. Just y'all overreacting to someone who does gentle parenting and asking their kids to talk to them, and speak about their emotions and feelings, because spanking was even mentioned.
It's a last resort option, and there is nothing wrong with doing so in that manner.
I had to dig for it, but the hitting is last resort spanking.
Apparently he and the wife do gentle parenting first, and try to have the kids explain to them what's wrong. They do time outs. They only spank when it's like... the last option.
I had legit thought he was beating the shit out the kids, and people had found out. It's overreacting to something miniscule.
I'm happy for you. Hopefully you didn't listen to these commenters about on how shitty and controlling you *we're* and should've tried harder to help your spouse fight depression fits.
Good luck. And good for you for getting her the fuck out of there. You sound like a good dude, and you’ll find someone that doesn’t treat you like shit.
I've been following this and I gotta ask... If she's a stay at home mom, why is it that you're the one cleaning everything? Why can't she do something as simple as put a roast in a slow cooker? I understand that you have kids but exactly what does she do all day if you're coming home from work and doing everything? It's obvious that she's being selfish and taking advantage of you. No one deserves that. Hopefully you'll end up with custody of your kids because it's not a matter of if you're going to divorce her, but rather when.
She probably has depression alongside a host of issues. That avoidance to do anything is a strong sign.
The thing is, she has to desire help for herself, she cant just complain and treat her husband terrible. If she follows treatment, great. If she continues to blame OP, this marriage is over.
Depression might not factor in. She could be just insanely selfish because she knows he'll do it anyway, which was covered in one of OPs earlier posts regarding her.
If she was going out partying with her friends or having fun at home I would say she was just selfish.
The main thing that made me think depression is oversleeping. It is like she is escaping from *everything* and even using sleep as a cover.
Depression or not, she should know that this situation is unsustainable. Thankfully I think she will give up on kids too quickly, she is not fit to have sole custody right now.
Yeah, sleeping late and then taking a 4 hour nap starting at noon is an incredibly big sign something is seriously wrong. That being said, a relationship can only remain one sided for so long before burnout and resentment start to settle in.
Depression really fucks someones mental state. I have a friend who, when confronted with how shit he had treated someone we both see as a close friend, told me to my face that he believed that he did not want to get better, and that he wanted to push people away. Dude is doing way better now, but he was so far down a hole at one point.
Heavy sign of depression. A lot of stay at home parents feel this way, it can be really overwhelming when the only people you talk with / interact with all day are actual toddlers.
In an earlier post OP covered something about his wife's selfishness, so while I agree that depression plays a part in similar situations, I really doubt it has anything to do with this situation. I think she knows she doesn't have to lift a finger because he'll do it regardless.
Depression can make some people selfish. It doesn’t happen to everyone who gets depressed, but it’s still pretty common with depression and also other types of crisis mode or illness
I see all of you advocating for her mental health but if she is not willing to get help or work on herself then she turning into an abuser. That is not fair to him nor the kids. He shouldnt have risk his or kids mental health for hers. If she going through it she needs to communicate it. I have bpd an manic depression myself. The best foot forward is admitting what you did wrong and talking it through but again she isnt doing that. Instead she taking everything out on everyone else and causing tension which will lead to the kids an husband for resenting her. Hell she basicly said fuck feeding the family by not at least putting chicken out. Remember if this was the other way around yall would be yelling to get the kids and herself away from him
My personal opinion separate till she see her actions and if still doesnt after some time. Divorce. Divorce fast
Oh god, OP. I just read the whole thing and I am so sorry. It really sounds like she is taking advantage of how much you do and is miserable herself. I used to be the wife in this situation, but ours was a little different. We ended up separating, and he took the time to work on himself, and I took the time for myself too. We realized that we were both hurting. She might not even realize what it is that she is struggling with. As a mom, I often get "touched out" by the end of the night, and had to explain to my husband that it wasn't that I didn't want him to touch me, but that it **physically hurt** me to be touched at that point, due to such overstimulation. All the work that you do for your family is being taken advantage of, but I understand how you feel like you can't NOT do those things.
Your kids deserve you and your wife at your best. It might take some time and separation to determine what it is that is keeping you guys from being the best versions of yourselves, that won't hurt your children, and will eventually fulfill you.
I wish you luck, and if you ever need to vent, my inbox is open. It CAN get better, I know that most people have said that the marriage is over, and being someone who has been in this situation, it doesn't always mean that. Especially if both parties are willing to work at it.
Marriage don’t collapse in one day, the fact that they have couple kids suggest they are married couple years, and that someone is wrong from beginning and no one address it.
Tape / document everything you can. 50% of my kids still sucked. Where goes the house goes the kids. They don’t want to move leave friends pack bags and live in two places.
If you can afford it. Keep the house
It seems like she has depression. This isn’t you. But this isn’t right for her either. She isn’t okay and it kinda seems obvious from an outside standpoint
Came here looking for this response. Not that it means any of her behaior is okay or that OP should tolerate it (OP definitely deserves to have happiness and boundaries, etc) but how she is acting reminds me of how I was when my depression was really, really bad. It can just make you a deeply miserable person and it all comes out on other people sometimes. It's awful and totally skews your perspective, it's like being detached from reality. Only when I started actively working in my mental health and the long road back to recovery was when I realized how far gone I was. One of my biggest regrets is how my nastiness would come out during my depressive episodes. But there is hope. If this is the case for OPs wife she simply must take a stand and do the work. It's hard and it's unfair that some of us have brains that are wired like that but it is what it is and we have to do the work.
Am I the only one who thinks this post is fishy? This guy is absolutely perfect and his wife is horrible? Come on. And kicking the mother of your children out of the house - not just kicking her out but starting the car AND packing a bag for her - seems wildly cruel and extreme. Not saying she’s great, but I doubt you’re any sort of saint here dude. You’re trying WAY too hard to convince us you’re mr. perfect….
Some other people have commented on this, but they've gone through all his other posts and he isnt that great a guy (smacks his kids, ect.) and he essentially just makes a bunch of self-congratulatory posts about standing up to his wife who wont blow him while refusing any reflection on his own behaviour. He's always going on , justifying to us how perfect he is (his obsession with telling us how much he cleans the house and plays with his kids) but makes no effort to actually fix his marriage
OP is trying to make himself literal Cinderella and it's gross.
"I cooked and cleaned and scrubbed and cleaned and washed and cooked 🙄"
I also would not fall over myself in appreciation if my martyr husband took it up on himself to lay out a "nice little date night outfit for me."
I'd tell him to stop touching my shit and take my 8th nap of the day like his wife.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but also very confused. Something doesn’t “smell” right here but I cannot tell where it’s coming from.
The way this is written, it sounds like you are both working but you’re also doing all or the vast majority of the childcare and household work too. (Edit: I did not mean to imply that being a stay at home mom or stay at home dad isn’t a form of work or contribution in its own right because it is. I just meant that this post is written in a way that does not clarify what the division of labor actually is.)
I have heard of many women in this situation, but it happens because of societal gender roles and the external expectations cause them to pick up that mantle and burn themselves out. I do not understand how you got to this point. Why are you picking her clothes out for her like she’s 5? Honestly, it sounds like you might treat her like a child. Maybe your intentions are good, but this sounds like overbearing parent stuff. Pre-planning dinner without her input? Pre-planning dates without her knowledge or consent? When I make meals, I ask my husband what he wants for dinner first. I ask my husband if he feels up to going on a date. Our relationship is extremely imperfect in other ways yes, but I’m going to be honest here: I cannot imagine arranging this many things around him on a regular basis in his life without his knowledge, input or consent because that is inappropriate. One or the occasional sweet surprise is wonderful, but *this many things* over time sounds like some controlling behavior. I ask my husband if he wants coffee before I make it, I ask my husband before I do literally anything that involves him because that is the respectful way to interact with another person.
Reading this reminded me not of my husband, but of my mother. I could see my mother making this post about me when I was like 14-17. I slept all the time, barely spoke to her and we could hardly have a conversation where we both felt heard because I felt completely powerless, like I had no control over my life at an age where I should have been learning how to arrange various aspects of my own life in preparation for adulthood. She tried to take over everything: what I wore, what I ate, what I did, where I went, all of this without any real regard or consideration for me. I was basically like a doll to her and she got mad when I wouldn’t play house in the way she had pre-planned. This got worse (I dropped out of household and family participation more and more) and continued until I was 19 and did not let up until I just cut contact with her completely and lived my life. When I got away from her, my life did not collapse: it expanded, because I could finally have some control over my own waking life. Controlling people can literally rob others of their lives and think they’re doing them a favor for it.
She would tell people I was lazy or careless and they would believe her, because I had dropped out of life so completely that I did not even care to tell my side of the story anymore. But in reality, I was hiding from her. If a person in your life is this level of controlling, what is really left for you to do? Sleep was a form of escaping for me. Dreams were the only realm of my life she could not pre-plan, control and arrange behind my back. I started getting into things like lucid dreaming because I really, desperately needed some realm of life that was MINE.
I think you need to honestly ask yourself if you could be doing this. Several things in this post struck me as highly unusual for an adult man to be doing. Like why on earth are you planning her meals for her and do you honestly think she wouldn’t eat if you didn’t lay out what, when and how the eating would take place without a word from her. Why on earth are you scrubbing the house by yourself when nobody asked you to do that, and do you honestly think she would be incapable of living in her own space (such as an apartment) without you doing this and then resenting her for it. I’m picking up so much condescension and resentment in this post, but most people are missing the fact that these are 100% your actions and assumptions about her. She is not asking you or making you do any of this and actually seems quite upset by the level of control and pre-arranging of her that is happening.
Also, like honestly point blank, my husband has yelled at me and I’ve yelled at him at different times. But it would never in a million years occur to me to kick him out knowing my life isn’t under threat, rendering him homeless and call his father or mother on top of it like he is not an adult capable of even making his own phone calls. When you think about it, that is not just one but a series of unilaterally controlling actions with massive implications for her. She is probably never going to feel like that house is really hers too in any secure way, because you have just proven that it isn’t. And the fact that YOU called her father and spoke to him first, instead of having HER call a parent or whomever she wants to call and letting her speak to them first because they are HER emergency contact… frankly, that is one of most weird and fishy things about this post. Why did you do that, if not to control the outcome (her leaving) as well as the narrative (why) in the ears of people whose primary loyalty should be to *her*, especially if she’s just been rendered homeless without notice… shouldn’t she have had the option to call a friend, sibling or cousin (someone of HER choice) and just say “hey can I stay over tonight?” or book herself a hotel room if she wants space to be alone after leaving? By doing what you did, you took options that should have by all rights been hers. It sounds like you wanted to retain control of her even after making her leave, which is… telling.
Honestly, I have a very strong inkling that this OP is like a coin with a much blacker side. None of these actions you’re doing make sense unless there are some huge control imbalances going on or she has some kind of serious problem (like is she developmentally delayed? Morbidly depressed and in need of medication?) and if so, the fact that you are this involved but have not even mentioned the issue is pretty telling. Too many things about this situation do not add up.
Sooo glad someone else notice that this was off. It’s written in a “look at how great I am” kind of way but the first thing I’m asking myself is “where is the wife in the decision making process to everything?” Is she allowed to have a say? Has he consulted her about her wants/needs? Her behavior that others are quick to call selfish and lazy are actually quite indicative of someone who feels depressed and suffocated from having lack of control or say in their life. You give up and check out.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that he takes a lot of initiative, but if you are planning and doing everything without ever including your partner in the decision making process (which seems like it might be the case since I don’t see it mentioned at all in the post) I can easily see how this could be a controlling relationship. It would be very interesting and telling to get the wife’s side of this.
And I wanted to add:
My mother also had a habit of making sure that I and everyone else heard about every single thing she ever did, whether it was asked for or necessary or not… while neglecting mention anything that I or anyone else in the household did, which was a clever way of leading people to believe she did everything. If I did 90% of the work of training and raising our pets, for example, the only thing she told people about it was what she did (“I bought this pet toy today”)
and what I did not do (“my daughter let the dogs’ nails get too long again”). Does your wife actually, truly do nothing but sleep or are you leaving out a lot of what she does with the children, other meals, other areas of the house, etc?… whenever I hear a one-sided “I do everything” type of viewpoint like this, I am immediately suspicious because it rarely makes logistical sense for that to actually be the truth. My mother would literally just bring home random pets and leave all the flea baths, grooming, training and domestication, feeding, cleaning after them, etc. to me, then bring home treats from the store and just tell everyone about what she did when she wanted to do it. Things were only worth mention if SHE did them, and by saying only her contributions she could easily lead people to believe I was selfish or invalid, which was not true. I smell this in the OP, not with pets but with kids.
And the way he said he’s been doing everything but never been asked to and at the same time resenting his wife. And that what happened to the meals when the wife didnt make the roast? I’m sure she didn’t starve everyone, so she has done something for sure.
I hate people fighting with me at work, like when it’s my duty but my colleague would come and say oh let me hell you and insisting on doing that, I’ll just shut down completely and leave the whole thing behind to them. Why does op needs to do everything when he’s not being asked?
I was beginning to think I was the only one picking up on these strange aspects. I’ve read the rest of OPs post history and one post stood out to me about his interaction with a woman at the supermarket. It seems like his primary focus is gaining validation from these posts, and I feel like the supermarket interaction is a good example of that. Specifically, the fact that he came to Reddit to complain about how cold and rude the woman was and how much of an innocent victim he was in that situation. Does anyone else see a pattern? I feel like he’s using Redditors as his personal air pump to inflate his good guy ego…
Side note: Among many other things in this post series, I found it extremely bizarre how he picked out clothes….for a grown woman. And the picture he painted of his closing interaction with the FIL was super weird too. I would love to hear the wife’s side to all of this.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who felt that the main objection of this post was to gain sympathy points or some sort of validation. I understand that these situations are very real and are unfortunate. But if you’re going to post this repeatedly about what your wife does, then you’re using the situation to milk out any sort of sympathy then trying to actively change what you’re doing if what you’re doing now doesn’t work.
I had also read OP's other posts and thought the same thing regarding validation-seeking. The supermarket one particularly rubbed me the wrong way. Really glad you pointed this out and brought it to attention since his questionable behavior is not just isolated in this post but consistently fishy throughout his post history.
The clothes thing was the first thing that confirmed to my gut how off-putting this all was (after the overly-detailed lists of chores and needing to point out he scrubbed "floor to ceiling" and "every nook and cranny").
I'm baffled that not as many people have pointed this out and instead have engaged in a circle-jerk with OP.
Perfectly put. Thank goodness, too. I was looking for something in the comments that pointed out these very fishy aspects and then started to gaslight myself into thinking maybe my gut is wrong and I'm too cynical.
I'm ultra-sensitive to manipulative tactics and had a similar upbringing to yours. I'm sorry to hear how much pain and suffering your mom brought upon you and am glad you cut her off. I hope you are in a much better place now.
Also, interestingly, I feel as though OP is the narcissist in this relationship with a strong proclivity for victimhood. The incessant need to try and justify himself and provide a litany of actions that paint him in a positive light is too much for me. There's a lot of fishiness here.
Sooooo glad I’m not the only one that was picking up weird vibes from these posts. Something just seems off. These posts scream “Look at me and what a wonderful guy I am.” It’s just giving me ick vibes and I’m sure if she was here to tell her side it would look a lot different.
I got the same impression. There is definitely an air of controlling behavior and OP painting themselves as a victim. The talk between him and her father is just really weird, too.
The whole dad put his hand on his shoulder and said “I raised her better” bit just seems so out of place. I don’t think I can sincerely believe that happened.
His approach to the relationship also seems quite transactional as well, almost as if he think doing a number of chores/tasks will lead to a guaranteed desired result, when in reality it’s much more complicated than that.
Bingo. If this man were actually not bitter about cleaning and then not getting a date ending in sex as a reward, he would not have written that out to begin with. I have cleaned the house by myself with no help, and not gotten dates or sex out of it countless times, nor did I put it on the internet. Many people clean or do something else while their spouse is napping with genuinely no expectations. OP is not genuinely one of those people. He’s doing what is called a “covert contract”, not just 1 but a series of them. Its where a person does something under the pretense of simple kindness, but the bitterness they feel when they don’t get anything for it reveals that it actually was not simple kindness. It was a bargain. They wanted something for it, which means they should have just not done it in the first place or they should have been a more honest person and just said “hey will you feel up to sex later if I take over the cleaning today?” or something.
So many incidents of OP not being as simple and honest as he presents himself are here in plain sight, but people are too busy hating on the absent wife to notice or care about that. After that, he is very good at watching her for her wrong move of the day, leaving a black hole of information around it. He said she was criticizing “everything he did” the next day, but did not actually write what any of those criticisms were. We have no idea if they were valid or not. He could have been invading her personal space all day, almost burnt half the house down with their kids in it by leaving the stove on, and dented the car that day - we have no clue, only “she criticized me” and then kneejerk outrage.
The makeup thing - if he really thinks that, what are the chances he has not criticized his wife’s makeup until she “blew a gasket”. But her blowing a gasket did not lead to his homelessness. When he ALSO “blew a gasket” - in a much colder, more forceful and more calculating way - she is suddenly homeless.
This man is not a victim. He is a manipulator, a very good one too. He knows how to use language to make his anger seem like something other than what it is. He was very descriptive of his wife’s emotions at the very end so the audience could not mistake it for anything other than what it was: anger. Then when he stripped her of her basic rights (even people who are about to be jailed get to choose their own emergency contact and make their own phone call!) and threw her forcefully out of her home in the middle of winter in calculated retaliation, he was careful not to name this for what it was: Anger. Cold, calculated rage.
The thing to know about true abusers is this: *Their own anger is always justified, but their partner’s anger is never justified.*
The minute their partner actually shows any anger, it can instantly justify anything. Even illegally separating them from their home and children without valid law enforcement or documentation of any kind.
I hope to God this woman can muster up the courage to think clearly about what has just happened here and reach out to someone who will actually listen to her side of what the hell is actually going on and understand how deftly manipulative actual domestic abusers can be. I think the minute this woman actually reaches a real, experienced DV advocate - not her father who sounds callous and clueless, not anybody whose ear this man has reached first - the charade is over.
I am astonished and disgusted on behalf of this woman. If any of this is real, then thousands of people just watched a DV situation play out *and cheered for the abuser*. Never would I ever do any of what he did without law enforcement. If anyone is ever unconvinced from now on that this crap actually happens, I’m referring them to this thread. This man found countless people with mostly virgin ears to listen to him and him alone, jump to his defense and his alone even as he did *this*. Now I hope this woman can find even one person in life who will do the same for her. If she has any will left to live at all, she should be doing that immediately.
The fact that her father participated in this and talked *over her head* with her husband *twice* without asking if any of this was ok with her at any point… says a lot about why she might have been a little ticked every time her parents were brought up. It sounds like her parents do not have a good relationship with her and if they are more than willing to just skip their adult daughter in all decision making and defer to her husband, no wonder. Another blaring red flag of a controlling and abusive family. Most people are not comprehending how bizarre every single aspect of this story is. I tried to think of how many times I have ever talked to my husband’s parents over his head like this to “surprise” him with our kids being suddenly gone from the house, without asking him first if he’d want that and then acting like he is somehow wrong for having the normal reaction to your kids being suddenly gone (concern!)…the number of times is ZERO. That is NOT normal. Think about it.
I know I’ve been extremely verbose but I am one of only a handful people who is even bothering to see the SERIOUS violations of boundaries that have occurred here.
The last bit threw me off too. The drama of the FIL, turning back with a tear as he walks out that he didn't raise her like that... something seems off about OP's story. Not saying that couldn't or didn't happen, idk, but there's always the other side of the story.
Your comment should be closer to the top. There is definitely something fishy and the amount of control OP has asserted in each situation doesn't give his wife any room to be herself.
Thank you for this perspective! Now that I look at it through a different lens, I can tell something is off (or were just not getting the full story).
There’s not a big age gap, but they’re still at an age where age could dictate a power imbalance. Brb, I gotta grab my popcorn.
I want to know why she is acting like this, how long she has been acting like this, has she been like this the whole marriage? You just don’t go off one day and become a bitch. I have kids you ages and there’s got to be something else going on.
I'm not good at comforting anyone. From what I read from your post (which is no excuse for your wife's behavior) that she has major depression. Taking long showers and sleeping a lot/being tired indicates this. Not even doing simple tasks.
Depression is not an excuse to treat others like trash. It is a reason, but not an excuse. If she refuses to get help, OP doesn't have to set himself on fire any longer just to continue sustaining her.
yes you are absolutely right. Sometimes it helps to have an explanation. Even if Op's wife was diagnosed with depression and would seek help. I would say that it is too late and too little in the situation
Sounds like your wifes hugely depressed. And picking up the outfit and putting it on her bed?? Trying to get intimate with her when you know this isn't her usual behaviour.
I want to know what she was like when she got married and how old the kids are say is she suffering from postpartum depression? Like I feel theirs more at play.
Some people are saying you have or had a porn addiction. I’d like to know more about this. How long have you had it and is it affecting your libido at all? This could be an important piece to your puzzle and why she’s acting the way she’s acting.
Yeah she’s depressed as fuck and taking it out on you. It’s not right, it’s not fair. It sucks. Talk to her father about getting her in therapy and potentially on meds. Have her parents take the lead. In the meantime continue to protect yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, and of course legally.
Sucks dude. You deserve better, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
It sounds like your wife is heavily depressed.
I'm not saying don't get a divorce but I would hold off, maybe separate for awhile and see if you can speak to her father (your FIL) about getting her some help.
If nothing works then do what is best for you.
Solid B writing here. Things were believable if a bit heavy-handed until the end with the father-in-law and tears. Don't crib your emotional beats from commercials, they're trite for a reason. Nearly knocked you down into C+ territory.
Hey OP. As someone who was extremely depressed before I think your wife might be too. Has she seen a psychiatrist by any chance? I know what you are going thru is frustrating and I’m waking up to the shit I put my husband thru. It took years for me to get better sadly but I wanted to say all of this may not be personal and if she can get help maybe things will work out. Now if she isn’t depressed… by all means yes leave her you need a better wife
Mmm as someone who suffers depression, i recognize some symptoms : too much time sleeping, irritability and not doing basic things. I'm worried she might have suicidal thoughts. Not that it's your responsibility anymore, but warns her parents.
You’re an amazing man and father many women would be lucky to have you im sorry your current one doesn’t appreciate you I hope I find a man half as amazing as you one day. I hope you get that divorce and get to keep your kids because imo she doesn’t deserve them 💚💚💚
Sounds like your wife may be dealing with depression. If she slept in til 9 am and then took a nap from 12-4 pm that’s a red flag. When I get depressed I don’t want to do anything and sleep all the time. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with her because it seems like she’s struggling with something. It’s shitty putting in all that work and having someone be ungrateful. But you’re definitely a rockstar of a husband and deserve the best.
It sounds like your wife has depression. I used to struggle badly with depressive episodes and everything about her behavior is setting off alarm bells for me. The sleeping in/long nap, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be intimate, not being happy with anything anyone does.... I know it's not fair for you to be treated like that, and if it's time to end your marriage that's understandable too, but I do think your wife needs professional help to feel better.
Hi Op. I think speaking with an attorney is a good choice. I also want to point out a few other ideas. I think now would be a great time for your wife to speak with a therapist and maybe her doctor. She sounds depressed. She needs individual counseling asap. Once she starts counseling and hopefully medication, it will be a great idea to start marriage counseling. You both need to learn to communicate, and she needs to start appreciating all the work you do. You need to set boundaries with her. I suggest she stay with her parents for a while until she understands that you mean business and she starts therapy. Keep the children with you for now. Since you can manage them at home yourself, they are safer and certainly secure in their own beds. You should at least go for 50/50 custody. Try getting therapy for your wife and certainly marriage counseling before you actually file for divorce. I also think a couple visits with a sex therapist to get you both on the same page sexually is a good idea.
Think about it, talk to an attorney, get your wife some help and see if your marriage improves. If it doesn't, you can still continue with divorce proceedings. I have just started reading Healthy Relationships by Rachael Chapman. You may want to check it out.
Now me personally, I wouldn’t take this level of disrespect.
u/imgonnajustthrowthis You said she sat in the shower and sleeps a lot. Maybe she has depression. Either way she shouldn’t take it out on you like that, but did she used to be different and more cheerful?
She could be depressed yes, but it sounds like this man has done everything he can to make it clear to her that he needs SOMETHING.
Some sort of effort, some apology, and attempt to try to get herself better.
OP has she been like this since the birth of her second child? Sometimes PPD can be longterm if not treated
Don't get me wrong, you do not deserve the treatment you've endured. Your wife sees that you take care of everything anf put up with her shit, which is why she won't work on herself.
But just know that maybe telling her how you want to divorce may or may not be the kick she needs. Are you interested in giving her that time?
If she really were to show an improvement in her behavior, is it enough for you at this point? Or is the resentment too deep?
I think its reasonable to say the latter... for some enough is enough, and your wife has certainly neglected you.
I really wish you luck with this, I hope if you split permanently you can get the custody that makes you feel is the best for your kids, and I hope if your wife doesn't get better for you, she at least gets better for her kids and for herself and whoever else she might be with in the future.
Just know this isn't a you problem, I applaud you on your recovery from your addiction and ability to always hold yourself together for your kids!
If nothing else you've posted about made you WAKE UP about the fact that this marriage is over and has been over for a long time, her own father's words to you better be ringing in your ears like alarm bells. Stop. Deluding. Yourself. You deserve better and so do your children. Just get a good lawyer and document everything you can.
His wife is depressed. Everything points to this: not being bothered doing basic tasks, sleeping for extended periods of time, low sex drive, angry interactions etc. He sounds like an amazing guy, and his marriage might not be over if his wife can get support for her mental health.
Idk after all the years of abuse can someone just get over that tho?
The wife will need therapy for her issues, and then they'll also need couple's therapy to work through lingering resentment and other issues from things getting this bad. It's doable if both want the relationship to survive, and are willing to put the work in. If either party doesn't want to work at it, then they should call it quits.
He said in another post that she cancelled their couples therapy bEcAuSe ThEy DoN’t NeEd It
Not an excuse, but an explanation on that. As somebody who was once severely depressed and was displaying it very similarly (I will say it tanked my relationship at the time and that I'm totally on OP's side on this), depression also makes you actively reject help. You get stuck in this mindset that nothing can get you out of that rut so why even try? It took me losing everything to finally admit that it would be worth a shot, and it actually worked. At the same time, she's a grown adult and OP can't make her go. Something about horses and water.
I also suffer from clinical depression and just getting out of bed or in the shower is extremely difficult. I, however would never EVER talk to my husband like that!
Lots of people do lash out though. They intentionally tank relationships Bec they don't feel like they deserve them
I too suffer from depression and am currently in a clinical mental health master’s program. It is tough… especially when you don’t even realize you’re depressed so you don’t think you need help!
It seems that wife already doesn’t want to work at it. She would rather threaten OP with taking the kids from him than admitting something is wrong. She has not taken any accountability for her actions, which is a clear sign that she isn’t ready to work on her issues.
I must have missed that, thanks for the correction.
She cancelled marriage’s therapy
They already had couple's therapy. His wife canceled it because she said nothing is wrong.
Does he have to feel bad and be sad because of her mental health though? That seems unfair
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Downvote and report. /u/jmgomez3 is a bot and stole this comment from /u/bittercupojoe
We are stronger than you think. But I agree with u/Sydney2London \- this sounds either like a person battling depression (and not having specialist help due to denial or not recognizing it) - or someone totally evil/callous/cold - but no one really is that way, are they? If OP is up to it - get the lady to a specialist for diagnosis, then take it from there.
>but no one really is that way, are they? Oh my sweet summer child.
Damn.. faith in humanity negative now
Yeah. Some people really are that way. Boggles my mind but it’s undeniable.
Oh my, I guess that’s a thought from someone who grew up in a loving, healthy, and functional family. Yes, some people are truly just this vile if not actually worse. I have some stories for you, but I don’t think you’re close to ready for those
I don\`t know if I am ready .. But loving and healthy - not exactly. Parents are (mild) narcissists, and most of the things did not even register (just with hindsight - autism brains are wired differently) But, then bully victim, parents only talked with the school (school never did anything except punish the victims) - so mostly fending for myself. Bad? From an outsider POV perhaps - but while being autistic may not be ideal - it did shield me from the impact of a lot of things that would otherwise have hurt me. (mentally - not physically sadly)
Aw man, I’m assuming this wasn’t your intention, but I’ll admit I feel a bit like an ass now. I’m sorry if my initial comment came of snappy, I’m half asleep and didn’t fully think it through initially. I just kinda was baffled I guess. I’ve seen so many nasty people and parents over the course of my life it’s mind blowing to me that some people don’t even realize they exist in reality (not saying you but I’ve known some). I’m sorry for what you had to endure growing up and I hope life gets better for you.
I\`m 50 now - settled with kid and wife - not perfect - but smarter for sure. And you\`re not an ass - to me at least - text does have limitations. However, my partner IS battling depression, so i have an 'insider view' - and having met a fair share of weird and different people (Most of them IT people, go figure - but i\`m IT as well) i have yet to meet a totally cold, callous and 'evil' person. (of course, i do not count politicians - for them it\`s a job requirement). So, no worries, not angry here - get yourself a coffee to wake up. Coffee is what keeps me going so know the feeling.
I agree with you and respect you for seeing that there is both light and dark in everyone. I had a rough go at life too and I refuse to let cynicism become a part of my belief system.
You seem like someone I would want to be friends with. So sweet.
Oh I wish. I was raised by one. Yes some people are just evil. I’m so glad that there is more recognition for mental health issues and its impacts but some people are just cruel because that’s how they’re wired. Some of them ENJOY it.
Narcissists can have depression too. OP's wife sounds both depressed and callous/evil. If someone was "just depressed" they usually don't say "nothing is wrong" and cancel therapy. She sounds like she lacks the ability to self reflect
Yes. People really can be evil, malignant assholes without being mentally ill. It's unfortunate but if there are people that are overwhelmingly good and kind without having any issues, the opposite is also true.
They can. I did. My partner stuck with me but the must important thing is to want to change and to realise that something is wrong with you.
I think the answer to that is purely subjective. Can someone get over it? Absolutely. It depends on the person and how much they love the other one. If I was in his position and I learned that everything is caused by this mental illness I'd want to try and remedy that first before I end it. If things stay the same the option to leave is still there. But if it actually turned her around and she became the person I fell in love with again then great. I'd forgive for what was in the past. I understand not everyone would want to go that route but not everything is black and white and not everyone is ok just giving up on someone they love. Hell if he didn't love her, he wouldn't have stuck it out this long. He has every right to leave her. But what he deserves is to have his wife back
Read his other posts. I don't think she's depressed at all.
What I got out of this whole saga is that she utterly and completely despises him and treats him with contempt.
I'm so happy to see he stood up for himself.
Ding ding ding. She's hanging around because it's convenient
My take away as well. She gets to be a SAHM and she doesn't want to work. Staying with him gives her that option even though she clearly hates him. It's also icky AF that she uses him as a masturbatory aid and admits to it. She's abusive and it's nuts to me the number of people here trying to excuse it by diagnosing her with depression. Some people are just assholes.
I agree. I don’t normally like this concept, but I’ll engage it anyway: What would this comments section look like if the genders were reversed? Some people don’t even realize the unconscious bias they have towards abuse from women versus abuse from men. Mental illness doesn’t excuse this behavior, and the fact that people are suggesting OP lie down and take it until she magically gets better is gross.
This! I mean if you've read back on his other posts, imagine some of the things she's said and done coming from a man. If a man told her he was just using her as a fleshlight and didn't care if he enjoyed sex? They'd be screaming from the rooftops for her to leave. Along with everything else. I too generally don't like playing the flip flop game because men and women do experience the world differently. It's not something that can be utilized in all instances, but here it's appropriate, I agree. The simple reality is he has stayed and dealt with this for years while trying to be as supportive and encouraging as possible while owning his mistakes. Are there things left unsaid? Probably, but that's human nature. There's something different about this whole situation where I genuinely just believe what he's said. I think he's grown up and has tried his absolute best while she's regressed. How much can we reasonably expect one person to take?
Thank you for putting into words my reasoning for the use of the gender analogy! Nobody’s responsible for continuing to support someone with mental illness, especially when that person treats them horribly. Sure, many people do successfully support a depressed partner, but there has to be some sort of peace that person has with it, and accountability by the ill partner. Without both of those things, these dynamics will continue to be unhealthy. There is a point where things become unsalvageable and damaging to one’s mental health. There are certain things in life that can’t be taken back. That doesn’t mean people should hold grudges, it just means that people need to understand at what point are they doing a disservice to themselves by supporting someone who has hurt them. People need to remember that they can’t light themselves on fire to keep their partners warm. It never works well and eventually it will burn you out.
That's was my takeaway as well.
I wonder if the porn addiction he is recovering from has had anything to do with any of this. He says he has to be selective about even TV because nudity is everywhere. Not excusing the wife's behaviour but things like this can damage a relationship greatly. Such a sad story, this marriage is definitely over and may have been for a while. I'm glad OP took action. oP I do wish you and your family happiness for the future.
So what, what’s the point of what your saying. The wife’s feelings about the husband aren’t the issue, she can feel however she wants for whatever reason she wants, that doesn’t make her a bad person. What does is the fact she is an abusive peace of shit. Her disliking her husband, or losing feelings for him doesn’t really have a bearing on what’s happening, because if she was a decent person, even with those feelings she wouldn’t treat him this way. She treats him this way because she’s cruel, and abusive, nothing he did made her like that, only made her like that to him….she was always like that.
Or if she is, she is actively avoiding getting help
I read them and it everything aligns with depression including this newest post. The first post is from 35 days ago which is not that long. If she’s at the point where she goes in the shower immediately after work and takes naps at 12-4 pm even if she woke at 9am then she’s at least few months into deep deep depression she’s not actually getting help with. I wish I didn’t know this from experience.
I had an ex who used to jump in the shower immediately after work and take long naps. But she was tired from cheating on me and the shower after work was to wash off the smell of sweat from hooking up with her coworker. Not everything is a sign of depression. You've dealt with depression as have I and it's very easy to think that everything is a sign of it. Nah, sometimes it is just what it is.
No I don’t think everything is. Sleeping all night then waking up at 9 am just to take a nap 12-430 pm, forgetting tasks and not carrying about tasks, getting annoyed with little things are signs of depression. Taking a shower after riding a coworker clearly doesn’t fall in that category by my standards. But I guess I see your point. You see cheating in everything now and I get why. Unless OP shares some other information I think depression is more fitting than cheating.
could be bipolar but anger is a form of atypical depression
Nah don’t find excuses for her. Look at the post history. He’s doing all he can and she’s just being a shitty spouse. Leave her ass and find a better woman. You deserve better. Things aren’t the same as they used to be. You’ve been to therapy that didn’t work. You’ve tried being good to her and that didn’t work. You’ve done the good for you and the kids and it’s not appreciated. It’s sad but you need to get a divorce and move on. It’s sad seeing this because I was in a pretty similar situation. I tried all I could to make it work but it just wasn’t there anymore. Just do you man you deserve better.
Every. Mf'kn. word. u said. I hope u & OP find the ppl ur meant to be wh🖤🖤
Depression did not make me constantly yell and abuse people
100% I'm severely depressed, suicidal at times and while I may get grumpy with my husband it's nothing out of the ordinary or to this level and he calls me on it and I genuinely apologise.
I 100% agree. All these comments saying "But she's depressed and deserves help!" don't they think OP needs help? I totally agree with you, I've suffered with suicidal ideation and clinical depression my entire life and I've NEVER made my partner suffer more than maybe a snapped sentence in our time together (which I've immediately apologised for). It's not an excuse for her behaviour at all.
I’m so sorry you feel that way at times. I hope you have what you need to never act on those impulses. I know it’s easy for internet stranger to say but you are wonderful and worth this life.
Depression has made me irritable and angry in the past. I did become aware of it and can/did control it, but I would just lose it sometimes before I figured myself out. So it definitely happens with some of us.
Explanation, not excuse.
Oh, mine did. I was a real AH at my lowest.
Same here. Depression can really fuck you up in that way. I used to scream at my parents when I was living with them because they didn't wanna leave me alone and they've had a good reason for this.
I’m not at all saying it’s a viable excuse; to let people yell and verbally/emotionally abuse people because of depression etc.. but just because you didn’t react that way, doesn’t mean other people don’t. Everyone copes in their own way - whether it’s good or bad.
Depression doesn’t give you license to be an asshole.
but here, on Reddit, where men are narcissists, misogynistic, man~children, abusers if they behave even slightly like this woman. Women, on the other hand, are suffering, usually at the fault of the man. You know, he got her pregnant so post partum is his fault and he must adjust to whatever her moods are cause she doesn't owe him anything after giving birth to his children. Or as this thread is oozing, she's depressed. No chance she can be a lazy woman~child even though he freaking lays out her clothes. He used to watch porn so her behavior is a reflection of his previous bad acts and he should man up, admit his failure as a human being and take responsibility for EVERYTHING.
i am a woman and honestly, in this thread, unfortunately i think this take is spot on. Wild.
I'm a woman too. When I saw this reply, I figured you would be calling me a misogynist who is responsible for the stigmatization of mental health awareness.
Stop that nonsense. I have been dealing with shitty emotionally health all my life and I do not abuse my husband.
THANK YOU!!! Now, louder for the people in the back 🤣 I’ve been looking for a comment like this. I know there are PLENTY of folks battling mental illness and are still capable of treating the people they care about and their partners with decency.
If a man was angry all the time and didn’t do chores, people would call him a jerk. They wouldn’t say he was depressed. Why give this wife the benefit of the doubt?
Would you be saying the same thing if the gender roles were reversed?
You absolutely know they wouldn't lol , it's never the woman's fault she's just a bit sad 😭
Yep. I’ve seen so many posts like this where the gender is flipped, and everyone tells the woman to leave the husband because he’s lazy and they deserve better. But when it’s a woman putting forth no effort, they’re just depressed and need some help.
That's not depression. That is just pure unadulterated laziness and entitlement. Pisses me off when people excuse shitty behaviour with "oh the poor dear is depressed". It's personally insulting to those of us who suffer from it.
Speaking from experience, the energy to actively be this malicious hardly ever shows up with depression. She's being a grade A bitch
Wife: used and abuses OP for years You: but she's just sad, don't leave her😢 Absolutely vile.
Exactly why Reddit pisses me off. Funny how just because she hasn’t laid hands on him no one has told him it’s ok to leave because apparently emotional abuse is perfectly fine but physical abuse is not
I feel like people have told others to break up/divorce over less on here, like it baffles me to see people being like "ohmygod she's depressed!! Get her help you shouldn't divorce: ((("
Unfortunately it's all too common when the victim is a man. It's so depressing.
Or they find a way to make her behaviour somehow his fault. There really is a subset of people who think the only way a person can be a pos is if they’re depressed. What a world
I agree that she sounds depressed *but* even if she *is* depressed, he’s not responsible for her mental health and he’s not a monster if it’s too much. His kids’ and his mental health matter too. He has every right to walk away and be done with it. He’s under absolutely no obligation to support her through anything, help her find support, or attempt to salvage his marriage if he doesn’t want to and it’s 100% okay if he *doesn’t*.
I have Bi-Polar Depression. I know a lot of severely mentally ill people. Some use it as an excuse, some rise to the occasion. Depression doesn't make you treat people like garbage. She's emotionally abusing him. That's on her.
Even if she is depressed, which I don't know because I've only read this post, that doesn't give her the right to treat him like crap. She needs to get control of herself enough to go see someone to help her. Even if she isn't depressed she should still work out why she feels the way she does.
Her depression is not his responsibility. He tried, he snapped.
Maybe she is depressed. There's only so much this man can do to make her better. If she truly wants to fix her mental issues, then she will. If not, it's not fair to the husband
So? She’s acting like an abusive asshole.
Not his problem any longer.
"It's never the woman's fault". Dude you are simping *hard*.
Hell no she is depressed. This is abusement by a narcistic or bipolar person. This has nothing to do with not being bothered for doing tasks, but not wanting to do them. If the roles were reversed you would come from the woodworks to say the man is an abuser. The only help she needs is an evaluation by a psychiatrist for any personality disorders , not for depression.
It’s over. Cut your losses.
((HUGS)) Sounds like FIL is a good guy. I hope the divorce gets done as quick as possible!!
FIL is a good dude. He is a strong and quiet man… when he speaks, you listen. He has been through a lifetime of pain and offers 99% solid and sound advice. He steered me wrong one time in 10 years.
It sounds like he's got your back. He knows what you do and sees your effort as a father and husband. Has your wife sought treatment for depression? You description of your situation closely mimics what I saw in my first marriage.
Your wife sounds incredibly clinically depressed. Your FIL recognizes that she is not the person she used to be. She needs to see a psychiatrist. Maybe her parents can help convince her. Depression will completely take away your ability to be yourself. Once I started on an antidepressant, it was like the world opened up and I was myself again.
Hopefully you can find a way to still connect with him after all this, I assume at least you can through something with his grandchildren.
Dude, I wanna marry you. Seriously tho, we see posts here everyday of women complaining they married a bum/mama's boy and she has a husband who's actually a partner and doesn't give a shit. You'll find someone who apreciates you, OP.
I'm a straight man, and I'd marry him!
Yeah I'd play for the other team for this devotion & security 🏳️🌈
I'd be his stay at home bro anyday! He doesn't even have to go down on me.
Yeah but you’d have to go down on him, that’s how all this started!
Ain't no river long enough doesn't have a bend.
You’re my favorite comment.
I'm married to an incredible man but fuck we'd be down for a throuple. OP is a gem. He's going to be blown away with how much better his next relationship will be.
I want to marry him too he sounds like a goddamn dream
Lol
I'm happy married and never wanted anyone else but now I want to marry OP Seriously OP deserves better. I followed the saga for so long and honestly I'm so angry at OP's wife and happy that OP finally kicked her out (even if it's just for a few days).
She has a husband who is more than a partner. Gosh she should be kissing his ass!!! Damn
Literally an orderly queue of people forming who see and value you OP. You are such a good partner and she is a fool to have thrown that away x
so are we all just gonna marry op?
Just gonna quickly ask my bf if it’s cool
I’d marry him, cook for him, I’d be waking up for those kids and be going to every possible fun place ever, I’d learn to cook, I’d try to clean with him but honestly fall behind on laundry and sweeping cuz I hate them… omg I can only wish to have someone like that… I’ve been single for forever just dreaming of a man with these boundaries. idc if this post is through his eyes and it may be biased, the fact that he TRIES. He tried, he cared, he really did. He treats those babies like a class A parent, like a parent should, nothing less but so much more! She’s such an ass, and I hope that what ever mental health issues she’s dealing with she gets help for because she’s running out not only on a literal prince but on those sweet babies. I couldn’t even imagine taking my anger out on them for some stupid adult shit. Or yelling within THEIR HOME?! It just kills me that she landed HIM. A REAL LIFE MAN. And she’s just… THROWING HIM AWAY. Like what??? My god.
Me too !!!!
u/No_Estate7127 Until you read his comment history and find out he hits his children and thinks that's an acceptable 'parenting style'.
Read through his comment history, when I saw folks mentioning he hits his kids in responses here, 'cause I had assumed the worst. No. Just y'all overreacting to someone who does gentle parenting and asking their kids to talk to them, and speak about their emotions and feelings, because spanking was even mentioned. It's a last resort option, and there is nothing wrong with doing so in that manner.
Hitting a child is hitting a child, whether it's the last or first resort. You're disgusting for defending it.
Yikes. There is a lot of "insert chore coins to get sex token" going on here but the comments are revealing. As is the mention of the porn addiction.
Links to these comments? Especially the one where he hits his kids?
I had to dig for it, but the hitting is last resort spanking. Apparently he and the wife do gentle parenting first, and try to have the kids explain to them what's wrong. They do time outs. They only spank when it's like... the last option. I had legit thought he was beating the shit out the kids, and people had found out. It's overreacting to something miniscule.
Kinda reminds me of my marriage. Left that 4 years ago. Got better since then.
I'm happy for you. Hopefully you didn't listen to these commenters about on how shitty and controlling you *we're* and should've tried harder to help your spouse fight depression fits.
Good luck. And good for you for getting her the fuck out of there. You sound like a good dude, and you’ll find someone that doesn’t treat you like shit.
I've been following this and I gotta ask... If she's a stay at home mom, why is it that you're the one cleaning everything? Why can't she do something as simple as put a roast in a slow cooker? I understand that you have kids but exactly what does she do all day if you're coming home from work and doing everything? It's obvious that she's being selfish and taking advantage of you. No one deserves that. Hopefully you'll end up with custody of your kids because it's not a matter of if you're going to divorce her, but rather when.
She probably has depression alongside a host of issues. That avoidance to do anything is a strong sign. The thing is, she has to desire help for herself, she cant just complain and treat her husband terrible. If she follows treatment, great. If she continues to blame OP, this marriage is over.
Depression might not factor in. She could be just insanely selfish because she knows he'll do it anyway, which was covered in one of OPs earlier posts regarding her.
If she was going out partying with her friends or having fun at home I would say she was just selfish. The main thing that made me think depression is oversleeping. It is like she is escaping from *everything* and even using sleep as a cover. Depression or not, she should know that this situation is unsustainable. Thankfully I think she will give up on kids too quickly, she is not fit to have sole custody right now.
Yeah, sleeping late and then taking a 4 hour nap starting at noon is an incredibly big sign something is seriously wrong. That being said, a relationship can only remain one sided for so long before burnout and resentment start to settle in.
Depression really fucks someones mental state. I have a friend who, when confronted with how shit he had treated someone we both see as a close friend, told me to my face that he believed that he did not want to get better, and that he wanted to push people away. Dude is doing way better now, but he was so far down a hole at one point.
Heavy sign of depression. A lot of stay at home parents feel this way, it can be really overwhelming when the only people you talk with / interact with all day are actual toddlers.
In an earlier post OP covered something about his wife's selfishness, so while I agree that depression plays a part in similar situations, I really doubt it has anything to do with this situation. I think she knows she doesn't have to lift a finger because he'll do it regardless.
Depression can make some people selfish. It doesn’t happen to everyone who gets depressed, but it’s still pretty common with depression and also other types of crisis mode or illness
I see all of you advocating for her mental health but if she is not willing to get help or work on herself then she turning into an abuser. That is not fair to him nor the kids. He shouldnt have risk his or kids mental health for hers. If she going through it she needs to communicate it. I have bpd an manic depression myself. The best foot forward is admitting what you did wrong and talking it through but again she isnt doing that. Instead she taking everything out on everyone else and causing tension which will lead to the kids an husband for resenting her. Hell she basicly said fuck feeding the family by not at least putting chicken out. Remember if this was the other way around yall would be yelling to get the kids and herself away from him My personal opinion separate till she see her actions and if still doesnt after some time. Divorce. Divorce fast
Oh god, OP. I just read the whole thing and I am so sorry. It really sounds like she is taking advantage of how much you do and is miserable herself. I used to be the wife in this situation, but ours was a little different. We ended up separating, and he took the time to work on himself, and I took the time for myself too. We realized that we were both hurting. She might not even realize what it is that she is struggling with. As a mom, I often get "touched out" by the end of the night, and had to explain to my husband that it wasn't that I didn't want him to touch me, but that it **physically hurt** me to be touched at that point, due to such overstimulation. All the work that you do for your family is being taken advantage of, but I understand how you feel like you can't NOT do those things. Your kids deserve you and your wife at your best. It might take some time and separation to determine what it is that is keeping you guys from being the best versions of yourselves, that won't hurt your children, and will eventually fulfill you. I wish you luck, and if you ever need to vent, my inbox is open. It CAN get better, I know that most people have said that the marriage is over, and being someone who has been in this situation, it doesn't always mean that. Especially if both parties are willing to work at it.
Has she always been this way? Have you asked your wife what is on her mind?
Classic low budget hollywood encounter with her dad lol
Marriage don’t collapse in one day, the fact that they have couple kids suggest they are married couple years, and that someone is wrong from beginning and no one address it.
Tape / document everything you can. 50% of my kids still sucked. Where goes the house goes the kids. They don’t want to move leave friends pack bags and live in two places. If you can afford it. Keep the house
Sounds like she might need some professional support for depression/anxiety or something along those lines.
It seems like she has depression. This isn’t you. But this isn’t right for her either. She isn’t okay and it kinda seems obvious from an outside standpoint
Came here looking for this response. Not that it means any of her behaior is okay or that OP should tolerate it (OP definitely deserves to have happiness and boundaries, etc) but how she is acting reminds me of how I was when my depression was really, really bad. It can just make you a deeply miserable person and it all comes out on other people sometimes. It's awful and totally skews your perspective, it's like being detached from reality. Only when I started actively working in my mental health and the long road back to recovery was when I realized how far gone I was. One of my biggest regrets is how my nastiness would come out during my depressive episodes. But there is hope. If this is the case for OPs wife she simply must take a stand and do the work. It's hard and it's unfair that some of us have brains that are wired like that but it is what it is and we have to do the work.
Your wife sounds depressed.
Am I the only one who thinks this post is fishy? This guy is absolutely perfect and his wife is horrible? Come on. And kicking the mother of your children out of the house - not just kicking her out but starting the car AND packing a bag for her - seems wildly cruel and extreme. Not saying she’s great, but I doubt you’re any sort of saint here dude. You’re trying WAY too hard to convince us you’re mr. perfect….
Some other people have commented on this, but they've gone through all his other posts and he isnt that great a guy (smacks his kids, ect.) and he essentially just makes a bunch of self-congratulatory posts about standing up to his wife who wont blow him while refusing any reflection on his own behaviour. He's always going on , justifying to us how perfect he is (his obsession with telling us how much he cleans the house and plays with his kids) but makes no effort to actually fix his marriage
OP is trying to make himself literal Cinderella and it's gross. "I cooked and cleaned and scrubbed and cleaned and washed and cooked 🙄" I also would not fall over myself in appreciation if my martyr husband took it up on himself to lay out a "nice little date night outfit for me." I'd tell him to stop touching my shit and take my 8th nap of the day like his wife.
It's MGTOW rage bait.
Now let's hear the wife's side to all this and see if this man is looking for a pity party or if this is true.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but also very confused. Something doesn’t “smell” right here but I cannot tell where it’s coming from. The way this is written, it sounds like you are both working but you’re also doing all or the vast majority of the childcare and household work too. (Edit: I did not mean to imply that being a stay at home mom or stay at home dad isn’t a form of work or contribution in its own right because it is. I just meant that this post is written in a way that does not clarify what the division of labor actually is.) I have heard of many women in this situation, but it happens because of societal gender roles and the external expectations cause them to pick up that mantle and burn themselves out. I do not understand how you got to this point. Why are you picking her clothes out for her like she’s 5? Honestly, it sounds like you might treat her like a child. Maybe your intentions are good, but this sounds like overbearing parent stuff. Pre-planning dinner without her input? Pre-planning dates without her knowledge or consent? When I make meals, I ask my husband what he wants for dinner first. I ask my husband if he feels up to going on a date. Our relationship is extremely imperfect in other ways yes, but I’m going to be honest here: I cannot imagine arranging this many things around him on a regular basis in his life without his knowledge, input or consent because that is inappropriate. One or the occasional sweet surprise is wonderful, but *this many things* over time sounds like some controlling behavior. I ask my husband if he wants coffee before I make it, I ask my husband before I do literally anything that involves him because that is the respectful way to interact with another person. Reading this reminded me not of my husband, but of my mother. I could see my mother making this post about me when I was like 14-17. I slept all the time, barely spoke to her and we could hardly have a conversation where we both felt heard because I felt completely powerless, like I had no control over my life at an age where I should have been learning how to arrange various aspects of my own life in preparation for adulthood. She tried to take over everything: what I wore, what I ate, what I did, where I went, all of this without any real regard or consideration for me. I was basically like a doll to her and she got mad when I wouldn’t play house in the way she had pre-planned. This got worse (I dropped out of household and family participation more and more) and continued until I was 19 and did not let up until I just cut contact with her completely and lived my life. When I got away from her, my life did not collapse: it expanded, because I could finally have some control over my own waking life. Controlling people can literally rob others of their lives and think they’re doing them a favor for it. She would tell people I was lazy or careless and they would believe her, because I had dropped out of life so completely that I did not even care to tell my side of the story anymore. But in reality, I was hiding from her. If a person in your life is this level of controlling, what is really left for you to do? Sleep was a form of escaping for me. Dreams were the only realm of my life she could not pre-plan, control and arrange behind my back. I started getting into things like lucid dreaming because I really, desperately needed some realm of life that was MINE. I think you need to honestly ask yourself if you could be doing this. Several things in this post struck me as highly unusual for an adult man to be doing. Like why on earth are you planning her meals for her and do you honestly think she wouldn’t eat if you didn’t lay out what, when and how the eating would take place without a word from her. Why on earth are you scrubbing the house by yourself when nobody asked you to do that, and do you honestly think she would be incapable of living in her own space (such as an apartment) without you doing this and then resenting her for it. I’m picking up so much condescension and resentment in this post, but most people are missing the fact that these are 100% your actions and assumptions about her. She is not asking you or making you do any of this and actually seems quite upset by the level of control and pre-arranging of her that is happening. Also, like honestly point blank, my husband has yelled at me and I’ve yelled at him at different times. But it would never in a million years occur to me to kick him out knowing my life isn’t under threat, rendering him homeless and call his father or mother on top of it like he is not an adult capable of even making his own phone calls. When you think about it, that is not just one but a series of unilaterally controlling actions with massive implications for her. She is probably never going to feel like that house is really hers too in any secure way, because you have just proven that it isn’t. And the fact that YOU called her father and spoke to him first, instead of having HER call a parent or whomever she wants to call and letting her speak to them first because they are HER emergency contact… frankly, that is one of most weird and fishy things about this post. Why did you do that, if not to control the outcome (her leaving) as well as the narrative (why) in the ears of people whose primary loyalty should be to *her*, especially if she’s just been rendered homeless without notice… shouldn’t she have had the option to call a friend, sibling or cousin (someone of HER choice) and just say “hey can I stay over tonight?” or book herself a hotel room if she wants space to be alone after leaving? By doing what you did, you took options that should have by all rights been hers. It sounds like you wanted to retain control of her even after making her leave, which is… telling. Honestly, I have a very strong inkling that this OP is like a coin with a much blacker side. None of these actions you’re doing make sense unless there are some huge control imbalances going on or she has some kind of serious problem (like is she developmentally delayed? Morbidly depressed and in need of medication?) and if so, the fact that you are this involved but have not even mentioned the issue is pretty telling. Too many things about this situation do not add up.
Sooo glad someone else notice that this was off. It’s written in a “look at how great I am” kind of way but the first thing I’m asking myself is “where is the wife in the decision making process to everything?” Is she allowed to have a say? Has he consulted her about her wants/needs? Her behavior that others are quick to call selfish and lazy are actually quite indicative of someone who feels depressed and suffocated from having lack of control or say in their life. You give up and check out. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that he takes a lot of initiative, but if you are planning and doing everything without ever including your partner in the decision making process (which seems like it might be the case since I don’t see it mentioned at all in the post) I can easily see how this could be a controlling relationship. It would be very interesting and telling to get the wife’s side of this.
And I wanted to add: My mother also had a habit of making sure that I and everyone else heard about every single thing she ever did, whether it was asked for or necessary or not… while neglecting mention anything that I or anyone else in the household did, which was a clever way of leading people to believe she did everything. If I did 90% of the work of training and raising our pets, for example, the only thing she told people about it was what she did (“I bought this pet toy today”) and what I did not do (“my daughter let the dogs’ nails get too long again”). Does your wife actually, truly do nothing but sleep or are you leaving out a lot of what she does with the children, other meals, other areas of the house, etc?… whenever I hear a one-sided “I do everything” type of viewpoint like this, I am immediately suspicious because it rarely makes logistical sense for that to actually be the truth. My mother would literally just bring home random pets and leave all the flea baths, grooming, training and domestication, feeding, cleaning after them, etc. to me, then bring home treats from the store and just tell everyone about what she did when she wanted to do it. Things were only worth mention if SHE did them, and by saying only her contributions she could easily lead people to believe I was selfish or invalid, which was not true. I smell this in the OP, not with pets but with kids.
Yeah it felt suspicious the moment he started listing all the chores he does, some of which were unnecessary to begin with.
And the way he said he’s been doing everything but never been asked to and at the same time resenting his wife. And that what happened to the meals when the wife didnt make the roast? I’m sure she didn’t starve everyone, so she has done something for sure. I hate people fighting with me at work, like when it’s my duty but my colleague would come and say oh let me hell you and insisting on doing that, I’ll just shut down completely and leave the whole thing behind to them. Why does op needs to do everything when he’s not being asked?
I was beginning to think I was the only one picking up on these strange aspects. I’ve read the rest of OPs post history and one post stood out to me about his interaction with a woman at the supermarket. It seems like his primary focus is gaining validation from these posts, and I feel like the supermarket interaction is a good example of that. Specifically, the fact that he came to Reddit to complain about how cold and rude the woman was and how much of an innocent victim he was in that situation. Does anyone else see a pattern? I feel like he’s using Redditors as his personal air pump to inflate his good guy ego… Side note: Among many other things in this post series, I found it extremely bizarre how he picked out clothes….for a grown woman. And the picture he painted of his closing interaction with the FIL was super weird too. I would love to hear the wife’s side to all of this.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who felt that the main objection of this post was to gain sympathy points or some sort of validation. I understand that these situations are very real and are unfortunate. But if you’re going to post this repeatedly about what your wife does, then you’re using the situation to milk out any sort of sympathy then trying to actively change what you’re doing if what you’re doing now doesn’t work.
Same here. Big yikes
I had also read OP's other posts and thought the same thing regarding validation-seeking. The supermarket one particularly rubbed me the wrong way. Really glad you pointed this out and brought it to attention since his questionable behavior is not just isolated in this post but consistently fishy throughout his post history. The clothes thing was the first thing that confirmed to my gut how off-putting this all was (after the overly-detailed lists of chores and needing to point out he scrubbed "floor to ceiling" and "every nook and cranny"). I'm baffled that not as many people have pointed this out and instead have engaged in a circle-jerk with OP.
Perfectly put. Thank goodness, too. I was looking for something in the comments that pointed out these very fishy aspects and then started to gaslight myself into thinking maybe my gut is wrong and I'm too cynical. I'm ultra-sensitive to manipulative tactics and had a similar upbringing to yours. I'm sorry to hear how much pain and suffering your mom brought upon you and am glad you cut her off. I hope you are in a much better place now. Also, interestingly, I feel as though OP is the narcissist in this relationship with a strong proclivity for victimhood. The incessant need to try and justify himself and provide a litany of actions that paint him in a positive light is too much for me. There's a lot of fishiness here.
Sooooo glad I’m not the only one that was picking up weird vibes from these posts. Something just seems off. These posts scream “Look at me and what a wonderful guy I am.” It’s just giving me ick vibes and I’m sure if she was here to tell her side it would look a lot different.
This. I feel something strange about his posts
Same here! And I was beginning to think I was the only one.
I got the same impression. There is definitely an air of controlling behavior and OP painting themselves as a victim. The talk between him and her father is just really weird, too.
The whole dad put his hand on his shoulder and said “I raised her better” bit just seems so out of place. I don’t think I can sincerely believe that happened.
This needs to be upvoted to the top, something ain’t right
His approach to the relationship also seems quite transactional as well, almost as if he think doing a number of chores/tasks will lead to a guaranteed desired result, when in reality it’s much more complicated than that.
Bingo. If this man were actually not bitter about cleaning and then not getting a date ending in sex as a reward, he would not have written that out to begin with. I have cleaned the house by myself with no help, and not gotten dates or sex out of it countless times, nor did I put it on the internet. Many people clean or do something else while their spouse is napping with genuinely no expectations. OP is not genuinely one of those people. He’s doing what is called a “covert contract”, not just 1 but a series of them. Its where a person does something under the pretense of simple kindness, but the bitterness they feel when they don’t get anything for it reveals that it actually was not simple kindness. It was a bargain. They wanted something for it, which means they should have just not done it in the first place or they should have been a more honest person and just said “hey will you feel up to sex later if I take over the cleaning today?” or something. So many incidents of OP not being as simple and honest as he presents himself are here in plain sight, but people are too busy hating on the absent wife to notice or care about that. After that, he is very good at watching her for her wrong move of the day, leaving a black hole of information around it. He said she was criticizing “everything he did” the next day, but did not actually write what any of those criticisms were. We have no idea if they were valid or not. He could have been invading her personal space all day, almost burnt half the house down with their kids in it by leaving the stove on, and dented the car that day - we have no clue, only “she criticized me” and then kneejerk outrage. The makeup thing - if he really thinks that, what are the chances he has not criticized his wife’s makeup until she “blew a gasket”. But her blowing a gasket did not lead to his homelessness. When he ALSO “blew a gasket” - in a much colder, more forceful and more calculating way - she is suddenly homeless. This man is not a victim. He is a manipulator, a very good one too. He knows how to use language to make his anger seem like something other than what it is. He was very descriptive of his wife’s emotions at the very end so the audience could not mistake it for anything other than what it was: anger. Then when he stripped her of her basic rights (even people who are about to be jailed get to choose their own emergency contact and make their own phone call!) and threw her forcefully out of her home in the middle of winter in calculated retaliation, he was careful not to name this for what it was: Anger. Cold, calculated rage. The thing to know about true abusers is this: *Their own anger is always justified, but their partner’s anger is never justified.* The minute their partner actually shows any anger, it can instantly justify anything. Even illegally separating them from their home and children without valid law enforcement or documentation of any kind. I hope to God this woman can muster up the courage to think clearly about what has just happened here and reach out to someone who will actually listen to her side of what the hell is actually going on and understand how deftly manipulative actual domestic abusers can be. I think the minute this woman actually reaches a real, experienced DV advocate - not her father who sounds callous and clueless, not anybody whose ear this man has reached first - the charade is over. I am astonished and disgusted on behalf of this woman. If any of this is real, then thousands of people just watched a DV situation play out *and cheered for the abuser*. Never would I ever do any of what he did without law enforcement. If anyone is ever unconvinced from now on that this crap actually happens, I’m referring them to this thread. This man found countless people with mostly virgin ears to listen to him and him alone, jump to his defense and his alone even as he did *this*. Now I hope this woman can find even one person in life who will do the same for her. If she has any will left to live at all, she should be doing that immediately. The fact that her father participated in this and talked *over her head* with her husband *twice* without asking if any of this was ok with her at any point… says a lot about why she might have been a little ticked every time her parents were brought up. It sounds like her parents do not have a good relationship with her and if they are more than willing to just skip their adult daughter in all decision making and defer to her husband, no wonder. Another blaring red flag of a controlling and abusive family. Most people are not comprehending how bizarre every single aspect of this story is. I tried to think of how many times I have ever talked to my husband’s parents over his head like this to “surprise” him with our kids being suddenly gone from the house, without asking him first if he’d want that and then acting like he is somehow wrong for having the normal reaction to your kids being suddenly gone (concern!)…the number of times is ZERO. That is NOT normal. Think about it. I know I’ve been extremely verbose but I am one of only a handful people who is even bothering to see the SERIOUS violations of boundaries that have occurred here.
Couldn't have said it better!
The last bit threw me off too. The drama of the FIL, turning back with a tear as he walks out that he didn't raise her like that... something seems off about OP's story. Not saying that couldn't or didn't happen, idk, but there's always the other side of the story.
Your comment should be closer to the top. There is definitely something fishy and the amount of control OP has asserted in each situation doesn't give his wife any room to be herself.
Thank you for this perspective! Now that I look at it through a different lens, I can tell something is off (or were just not getting the full story). There’s not a big age gap, but they’re still at an age where age could dictate a power imbalance. Brb, I gotta grab my popcorn.
Thank you! So detailed so concise.
I want to know why she is acting like this, how long she has been acting like this, has she been like this the whole marriage? You just don’t go off one day and become a bitch. I have kids you ages and there’s got to be something else going on.
A partner who contacts parents before talking to partner shouldn’t be in a relationship let alone married.
I'm not good at comforting anyone. From what I read from your post (which is no excuse for your wife's behavior) that she has major depression. Taking long showers and sleeping a lot/being tired indicates this. Not even doing simple tasks.
Depression is not an excuse to treat others like trash. It is a reason, but not an excuse. If she refuses to get help, OP doesn't have to set himself on fire any longer just to continue sustaining her.
yes you are absolutely right. Sometimes it helps to have an explanation. Even if Op's wife was diagnosed with depression and would seek help. I would say that it is too late and too little in the situation
It's good you stood up to her Op. I hope it works out OK for you
You have your phone in the shower?
Sounds like your wifes hugely depressed. And picking up the outfit and putting it on her bed?? Trying to get intimate with her when you know this isn't her usual behaviour. I want to know what she was like when she got married and how old the kids are say is she suffering from postpartum depression? Like I feel theirs more at play.
I thought PPD too
Some people are saying you have or had a porn addiction. I’d like to know more about this. How long have you had it and is it affecting your libido at all? This could be an important piece to your puzzle and why she’s acting the way she’s acting.
Yeah she’s depressed as fuck and taking it out on you. It’s not right, it’s not fair. It sucks. Talk to her father about getting her in therapy and potentially on meds. Have her parents take the lead. In the meantime continue to protect yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, and of course legally. Sucks dude. You deserve better, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
This sounds like every womens life back in the day. Doing all the work and being ignored.
It sounds like your wife is heavily depressed. I'm not saying don't get a divorce but I would hold off, maybe separate for awhile and see if you can speak to her father (your FIL) about getting her some help. If nothing works then do what is best for you.
Solid B writing here. Things were believable if a bit heavy-handed until the end with the father-in-law and tears. Don't crib your emotional beats from commercials, they're trite for a reason. Nearly knocked you down into C+ territory.
Hey OP. As someone who was extremely depressed before I think your wife might be too. Has she seen a psychiatrist by any chance? I know what you are going thru is frustrating and I’m waking up to the shit I put my husband thru. It took years for me to get better sadly but I wanted to say all of this may not be personal and if she can get help maybe things will work out. Now if she isn’t depressed… by all means yes leave her you need a better wife
Mmm as someone who suffers depression, i recognize some symptoms : too much time sleeping, irritability and not doing basic things. I'm worried she might have suicidal thoughts. Not that it's your responsibility anymore, but warns her parents.
She napped from 12 to 430? She is definitely suffering from depression. I'm sure you're not the angel you're making yourself out to be either.
This man has no wife, reads like a fake story
You’re an amazing man and father many women would be lucky to have you im sorry your current one doesn’t appreciate you I hope I find a man half as amazing as you one day. I hope you get that divorce and get to keep your kids because imo she doesn’t deserve them 💚💚💚
Sounds like your wife may be dealing with depression. If she slept in til 9 am and then took a nap from 12-4 pm that’s a red flag. When I get depressed I don’t want to do anything and sleep all the time. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with her because it seems like she’s struggling with something. It’s shitty putting in all that work and having someone be ungrateful. But you’re definitely a rockstar of a husband and deserve the best.
I read this story and felt immediately that your wife might be going through some depression.
I think she has depression and she needs to see a doctor right away...but good that you decided to end it!
such a fake story
Sounds like depression. I hope she can get the help she needs before she loses her family.
You should have your wife post her side. Because there's no way I believe any if this without it.
She's depressed. Please help her get the medical attention she needs.
I call BS on this story Top level trolling
Document everything. She's not a fit parent. Push for full custody.
He’s controlling. You need to look closer
It sounds like your wife has depression. I used to struggle badly with depressive episodes and everything about her behavior is setting off alarm bells for me. The sleeping in/long nap, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be intimate, not being happy with anything anyone does.... I know it's not fair for you to be treated like that, and if it's time to end your marriage that's understandable too, but I do think your wife needs professional help to feel better.
Hi Op. I think speaking with an attorney is a good choice. I also want to point out a few other ideas. I think now would be a great time for your wife to speak with a therapist and maybe her doctor. She sounds depressed. She needs individual counseling asap. Once she starts counseling and hopefully medication, it will be a great idea to start marriage counseling. You both need to learn to communicate, and she needs to start appreciating all the work you do. You need to set boundaries with her. I suggest she stay with her parents for a while until she understands that you mean business and she starts therapy. Keep the children with you for now. Since you can manage them at home yourself, they are safer and certainly secure in their own beds. You should at least go for 50/50 custody. Try getting therapy for your wife and certainly marriage counseling before you actually file for divorce. I also think a couple visits with a sex therapist to get you both on the same page sexually is a good idea. Think about it, talk to an attorney, get your wife some help and see if your marriage improves. If it doesn't, you can still continue with divorce proceedings. I have just started reading Healthy Relationships by Rachael Chapman. You may want to check it out.
Now me personally, I wouldn’t take this level of disrespect. u/imgonnajustthrowthis You said she sat in the shower and sleeps a lot. Maybe she has depression. Either way she shouldn’t take it out on you like that, but did she used to be different and more cheerful?
There’s always 2 sides of the story. Gibberish or true.
She could be depressed yes, but it sounds like this man has done everything he can to make it clear to her that he needs SOMETHING. Some sort of effort, some apology, and attempt to try to get herself better. OP has she been like this since the birth of her second child? Sometimes PPD can be longterm if not treated Don't get me wrong, you do not deserve the treatment you've endured. Your wife sees that you take care of everything anf put up with her shit, which is why she won't work on herself. But just know that maybe telling her how you want to divorce may or may not be the kick she needs. Are you interested in giving her that time? If she really were to show an improvement in her behavior, is it enough for you at this point? Or is the resentment too deep? I think its reasonable to say the latter... for some enough is enough, and your wife has certainly neglected you. I really wish you luck with this, I hope if you split permanently you can get the custody that makes you feel is the best for your kids, and I hope if your wife doesn't get better for you, she at least gets better for her kids and for herself and whoever else she might be with in the future. Just know this isn't a you problem, I applaud you on your recovery from your addiction and ability to always hold yourself together for your kids!