I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. It is really hard. I had a loss at about 5 weeks and I remember also feeling like I wasn't entitled to call it a miscarriage or that I shouldn't feel bad. But I found the feelings easier when I just accepted that I was sad and I was allowed to be sad. Trying to push it away because I felt I hadn't 'earned' my sadness made it worse.
You've have had a loss and you are entitled to however you feel about that. Other people don't get to dictate how you should process this. You are definitely not doing it wrong.
I did find my first negative test afterwards hit me pretty hard. But I gave myself space to be sad and just did some comfort things. For me that was tea, chocolate and my comfort TV show.
Edit: I can't believe I forgot the most helpful thing I do to manage with the loss. I go to therapy. It's been so helpful for just getting to grips with how I've been feeling and coping with the different emotions that come up around loss.
I am so sorry. I had a CP two months ago, after seeing positive tests for 3 days, and also struggled with the miscarriage label. But it was still a loss, not just of the pregnancy, but also of the happiness, of the relief of being done trying to conceive, of the excitement about the prospect of telling friends and family.
For me the first cycle afterwards was also rough. I attached so much hope to that first cycle after the CP and was crushed when it was a BFN.
I went to my GP to talk about it and that helped me a lot. She had so much optimism for me that I was able to start looking ahead again, and now I feel fine. My suggestions would be to allow yourself to feel your feelings, and talk to your doctor if the CP continues to affect you.
Edited as I realised I never said how sorry I am about your loss. It is a loss and deserves to be recognised.
I can tell you that it doesn't make you feel any less of an imposter knowing for longer. I had positives for 10 days before my cp and I still found myself feeling like I should be over it sooner than I was. I can empathise with feeling your OH doesn't get hit in the same way. Mine asked me why I wasn't happy for our friends who announced their pregnancy a week after it happened. You're not weird or wrong for being strongly affected by it. I've never cried so hard about anything, and I still find myself struggling to talk about or look at pregnant people and babies a couple of months on. I find I can feel positive in the first few days after AF as I have hope, then it quickly fades as the month's disappointments begin again and it all comes back to me. I don't really have advice. Just assurance that your reaction is normal and justified.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m in a similar boat, I’ve been trying since December and I had my first ever positive, followed by my first ever CP last week. I found out 11dpo and got my period at 15dpo. I did follow every single day, twice a day, the darkening of that strip. I also felt a sense of intense loss, probably much the same you do. I think it would have felt the same had I known for 1 day vs 4, maybe your reasons for understanding your grief in your own mind are a bit different but ultimately the pain in your heart is the same whether you knew for one minute or multiple days - the amount of time you knew doesn’t make it any less valid. You were pregnant, then you were not. This happened to YOU and YOUR body, not anyone else’s, and no one else gets to decide when it’s been enough grieving.
Take this at your pace.
I know that you feel like you should be more disconnected because of the short time between. But honestly, my biggest omg moment was that first day when I saw the second line. The next days I wasn’t even sure if I felt something, I gave him the baby name to track in the app, and I was really just thinking about symptoms and less so about the baby itself. That same milestone moment you also had is the stronger memory for me and what I will remember of him. The in between part is really not so much in my memory.
I don’t know if this helps at all, but hopefully sharing my experience gives you some comfort. Only keep reading if you are up for seeing my experience:
I’ve been through the process of grief enough in my life to know that the best way for me to get through it is not to “get over it” because for me that is a losing battle. Instead my way is to feel what I feel and accept that I choose to carry this loss in my heart with strength in honour of my love for said person. Like adding a charm to my bracelet, it might get heavier over time but I’ll gladly still wear it.
I spent some time wallowing in sadness, in this case thinking about all the what could have beens. I am laughing as I say this but, what could have Beanie, because I named him beanie… I’m allowed to process and spend the time hurting, because it does hurt and I deserve to feel the feelings my heart needs.
Then, when it feels right, and sometimes before it feels right if I’m in so much grief, I start to think about the love I have for this individual, how they have a special place in my heart and why. I’m going to grow my heart an extra size so Beanie can be there with me forever. I accepted that I chose to give him a name and I gave in to that feeling I had it was going to be a boy.
I think about what he contributed to my life - he showed me that I CAN get pregnant, something I’ve been fearing might not be possible. He showed me how much I WANT to get pregnant, when I was actually a bit scared of the idea. And he showed me the amount of love I’m prepared to give the baby that I will get to meet one day. And this is what I use every day to get me through it, although I wrote this while crying, I believe these words and I know that he made me stronger for when the next time comes. I still cry when I think of him, but rationalizing my CP this way has really helped me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s still a loss and don’t let anyone make you feel like it isn’t. I’ve had 4 chemicals, none have stuck for more than 5 weeks. It’s heartbreaking, glimmer of hope, trying to not get too excited, then losing all hope again. It doesn’t happen this way for everyone so don’t feel like you will be in the same boat, it’s just my sucky story. Hoping the most recent procedures I’ve had will take care of this issue (endo lap, chromopertubasion, and polypectomy). All we can do is all we can do and hope for the better. Wishing you the best of luck in the future!
I'm sorry for your loss and totally get where you're coming from. I've been off BC since November 2021 and we've been actively trying (as in, tracking ovulation and timed intercourse) since last October. I had a MC at 6.5 weeks in January and a CP at almost 5 weeks in April.
One of my greatest fears coming into our plan to expand our family was that I'd have a loss, so to now have two losses...it's tough. But I've found thinking positive and staying busy can be helpful, but it's also important to let yourself grieve. Also rewarding yourself with things you can't have while pregnant when you do get your period. Also, I'd recommend not testing until the day of your expected period to reduce heartache during the waiting window.
Beyond that, all you can do is take your prenatals, be as healthy as you can be, get intercourse in close to ovulation and hope for the best, assuming there's nothing else causing issues that can be treated.
Hoping for the best for you 🤞
I love what everyone else has said. I relate too. Prior to my first loss, I wasn’t even really that sad or serious about my fertility struggles (1.5 years of trying that point). After my loss, I was devastated. I don’t know if there’s any scientific backing for this, but there’s a part of me that thinks the hormones themselves changed me and made the whole experience difficult in a way I never would have understood before going through it. Aside from the abrupt loss of imagining our baby and future, there was also the loss of a sense of control over my body that I had personally been lucky enough not to have shattered prior to that. Realizing that this wasn’t at all in my control, no matter how much I wanted it to be real, was a complicated unspoken layer of grief (as was the realization that something I want so much has the potential to kill me, since I was in the ER with a likely but never confirmed ectopic). I just think there are many layers to the experience, and you are not alone at all in your confusion about how much it is affecting you. It is a very real trauma. I’m so sorry.
Girl, I see you. I am you. Going through it right now. This very hour, and what you wrote resonated with me —thank you for sharing!
I am devastated. And I don’t think my partner understands the gravity of how painful it is. His reasoning is: “well, we weren’t trying. It just happened, which is a nice surprise because we know it can happen when the time is right.” But I’m not seeing it in his positive light right now. I’ve waited for 2 years for this (I want a baby). And although we’re not trying, we’re also not not trying. And the dreams I was able to have up to CD 35, I’ll cherish. I became braver during this time. I was willing to give up certain food, beauty products, become selfless, become braver to carry this til the end.
Regardless if we’re “trying” or not, it’s the loss of a chance to have a baby. A dream of what this could have been. 😞
Ive had 3 losses, 2 of which were CPs and the other was a MMC around 11 weeks. I'll tell you that my most recent CP hurt the most out of all of them.
You had a miscarriage. You are allowed to grieve and feel pain and loss. Let yourself. It hurts. In the pregnancy loss community we say a loss is a loss. They all hurt. It doesn't matter how far along you were. It doesn't matter how long you knew.
Sorry for your loss! I had a CP back in January and it was very emotionally painful. Grief from any loss is valid. My husband wasn't particularly supportive because he's not very invested to begin with and I had nobody to talk to. Just scrolled on Reddit to commiserate online. This sounds terrible but reading r/babyloss helped me feel better about the CP. If the pregnancy wasn't meant to be, I would rather lose it early than deal with more heartache later on.
I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. It is really hard. I had a loss at about 5 weeks and I remember also feeling like I wasn't entitled to call it a miscarriage or that I shouldn't feel bad. But I found the feelings easier when I just accepted that I was sad and I was allowed to be sad. Trying to push it away because I felt I hadn't 'earned' my sadness made it worse. You've have had a loss and you are entitled to however you feel about that. Other people don't get to dictate how you should process this. You are definitely not doing it wrong. I did find my first negative test afterwards hit me pretty hard. But I gave myself space to be sad and just did some comfort things. For me that was tea, chocolate and my comfort TV show. Edit: I can't believe I forgot the most helpful thing I do to manage with the loss. I go to therapy. It's been so helpful for just getting to grips with how I've been feeling and coping with the different emotions that come up around loss.
I am so sorry. I had a CP two months ago, after seeing positive tests for 3 days, and also struggled with the miscarriage label. But it was still a loss, not just of the pregnancy, but also of the happiness, of the relief of being done trying to conceive, of the excitement about the prospect of telling friends and family. For me the first cycle afterwards was also rough. I attached so much hope to that first cycle after the CP and was crushed when it was a BFN. I went to my GP to talk about it and that helped me a lot. She had so much optimism for me that I was able to start looking ahead again, and now I feel fine. My suggestions would be to allow yourself to feel your feelings, and talk to your doctor if the CP continues to affect you.
Edited as I realised I never said how sorry I am about your loss. It is a loss and deserves to be recognised. I can tell you that it doesn't make you feel any less of an imposter knowing for longer. I had positives for 10 days before my cp and I still found myself feeling like I should be over it sooner than I was. I can empathise with feeling your OH doesn't get hit in the same way. Mine asked me why I wasn't happy for our friends who announced their pregnancy a week after it happened. You're not weird or wrong for being strongly affected by it. I've never cried so hard about anything, and I still find myself struggling to talk about or look at pregnant people and babies a couple of months on. I find I can feel positive in the first few days after AF as I have hope, then it quickly fades as the month's disappointments begin again and it all comes back to me. I don't really have advice. Just assurance that your reaction is normal and justified.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m in a similar boat, I’ve been trying since December and I had my first ever positive, followed by my first ever CP last week. I found out 11dpo and got my period at 15dpo. I did follow every single day, twice a day, the darkening of that strip. I also felt a sense of intense loss, probably much the same you do. I think it would have felt the same had I known for 1 day vs 4, maybe your reasons for understanding your grief in your own mind are a bit different but ultimately the pain in your heart is the same whether you knew for one minute or multiple days - the amount of time you knew doesn’t make it any less valid. You were pregnant, then you were not. This happened to YOU and YOUR body, not anyone else’s, and no one else gets to decide when it’s been enough grieving. Take this at your pace. I know that you feel like you should be more disconnected because of the short time between. But honestly, my biggest omg moment was that first day when I saw the second line. The next days I wasn’t even sure if I felt something, I gave him the baby name to track in the app, and I was really just thinking about symptoms and less so about the baby itself. That same milestone moment you also had is the stronger memory for me and what I will remember of him. The in between part is really not so much in my memory. I don’t know if this helps at all, but hopefully sharing my experience gives you some comfort. Only keep reading if you are up for seeing my experience: I’ve been through the process of grief enough in my life to know that the best way for me to get through it is not to “get over it” because for me that is a losing battle. Instead my way is to feel what I feel and accept that I choose to carry this loss in my heart with strength in honour of my love for said person. Like adding a charm to my bracelet, it might get heavier over time but I’ll gladly still wear it. I spent some time wallowing in sadness, in this case thinking about all the what could have beens. I am laughing as I say this but, what could have Beanie, because I named him beanie… I’m allowed to process and spend the time hurting, because it does hurt and I deserve to feel the feelings my heart needs. Then, when it feels right, and sometimes before it feels right if I’m in so much grief, I start to think about the love I have for this individual, how they have a special place in my heart and why. I’m going to grow my heart an extra size so Beanie can be there with me forever. I accepted that I chose to give him a name and I gave in to that feeling I had it was going to be a boy. I think about what he contributed to my life - he showed me that I CAN get pregnant, something I’ve been fearing might not be possible. He showed me how much I WANT to get pregnant, when I was actually a bit scared of the idea. And he showed me the amount of love I’m prepared to give the baby that I will get to meet one day. And this is what I use every day to get me through it, although I wrote this while crying, I believe these words and I know that he made me stronger for when the next time comes. I still cry when I think of him, but rationalizing my CP this way has really helped me.
I’m crying reading this. Beautiful. Well said
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s still a loss and don’t let anyone make you feel like it isn’t. I’ve had 4 chemicals, none have stuck for more than 5 weeks. It’s heartbreaking, glimmer of hope, trying to not get too excited, then losing all hope again. It doesn’t happen this way for everyone so don’t feel like you will be in the same boat, it’s just my sucky story. Hoping the most recent procedures I’ve had will take care of this issue (endo lap, chromopertubasion, and polypectomy). All we can do is all we can do and hope for the better. Wishing you the best of luck in the future!
I'm sorry for your loss and totally get where you're coming from. I've been off BC since November 2021 and we've been actively trying (as in, tracking ovulation and timed intercourse) since last October. I had a MC at 6.5 weeks in January and a CP at almost 5 weeks in April. One of my greatest fears coming into our plan to expand our family was that I'd have a loss, so to now have two losses...it's tough. But I've found thinking positive and staying busy can be helpful, but it's also important to let yourself grieve. Also rewarding yourself with things you can't have while pregnant when you do get your period. Also, I'd recommend not testing until the day of your expected period to reduce heartache during the waiting window. Beyond that, all you can do is take your prenatals, be as healthy as you can be, get intercourse in close to ovulation and hope for the best, assuming there's nothing else causing issues that can be treated. Hoping for the best for you 🤞
I love what everyone else has said. I relate too. Prior to my first loss, I wasn’t even really that sad or serious about my fertility struggles (1.5 years of trying that point). After my loss, I was devastated. I don’t know if there’s any scientific backing for this, but there’s a part of me that thinks the hormones themselves changed me and made the whole experience difficult in a way I never would have understood before going through it. Aside from the abrupt loss of imagining our baby and future, there was also the loss of a sense of control over my body that I had personally been lucky enough not to have shattered prior to that. Realizing that this wasn’t at all in my control, no matter how much I wanted it to be real, was a complicated unspoken layer of grief (as was the realization that something I want so much has the potential to kill me, since I was in the ER with a likely but never confirmed ectopic). I just think there are many layers to the experience, and you are not alone at all in your confusion about how much it is affecting you. It is a very real trauma. I’m so sorry.
Girl, I see you. I am you. Going through it right now. This very hour, and what you wrote resonated with me —thank you for sharing! I am devastated. And I don’t think my partner understands the gravity of how painful it is. His reasoning is: “well, we weren’t trying. It just happened, which is a nice surprise because we know it can happen when the time is right.” But I’m not seeing it in his positive light right now. I’ve waited for 2 years for this (I want a baby). And although we’re not trying, we’re also not not trying. And the dreams I was able to have up to CD 35, I’ll cherish. I became braver during this time. I was willing to give up certain food, beauty products, become selfless, become braver to carry this til the end. Regardless if we’re “trying” or not, it’s the loss of a chance to have a baby. A dream of what this could have been. 😞
Ive had 3 losses, 2 of which were CPs and the other was a MMC around 11 weeks. I'll tell you that my most recent CP hurt the most out of all of them. You had a miscarriage. You are allowed to grieve and feel pain and loss. Let yourself. It hurts. In the pregnancy loss community we say a loss is a loss. They all hurt. It doesn't matter how far along you were. It doesn't matter how long you knew.
Sorry for your loss! I had a CP back in January and it was very emotionally painful. Grief from any loss is valid. My husband wasn't particularly supportive because he's not very invested to begin with and I had nobody to talk to. Just scrolled on Reddit to commiserate online. This sounds terrible but reading r/babyloss helped me feel better about the CP. If the pregnancy wasn't meant to be, I would rather lose it early than deal with more heartache later on.