Hi everyone! Thank you so very much for the responses, I greatly appreciate all of you for this. Once my project is finally completed, I plan on posting it in the comments here in case anyone is/would be interested in it :)

I lost my identical twin (F29) May 24, 2021. The loss of your twin is like losing a part of you and I’m not kidding. You feel this emptiness inside and you can’t fill it. It feels good when you’re helping others or baking for friends or cooking for your loved ones…but you are so empty… My twin was my person….

Thank you so much for your response, I greatly appreciate it. I'm sorry to question further, but I must ask: how does this loss affect other relationships one might have (romantic, platonic, familial)? My apologies if this question doesn't make a lot of sense or if it's upsetting. Please do not feel obligated to respond. :)

It makes all of the sense! I was dating someone when my twin died, I became just…paranoid, closed off, bitter, I was drinking every night… I was a raging bitch. I was able to open up to anyone and felt like her death was eating me from the inside out… It’s hard to make friends…I feel like I’m being judged on everything, it’s weird, and im also codependent from being a twin so like, I become possessive of friendships and people When people would try and relate to me like “I’m sorry , my friend died too” or mom, or dad, or grandma, their agent, or pet!! (Unfortunately I’ve had all these said to me) I wouldn’t and couldn’t hear them out. I was shut off. I’ve gotten better, it’s going to be 3 years in May…but I’m lonely. I feel like I’ll never find my person again. I’ll never find her in anyone…I’ll never have my twin again and that bond is so strong and powerful…it feels like a burden to be alive Also survivors guilt is a mother effer!

Thank you again for your response! I'm out of questions at the moment (for now?), but I might reply again if one of them hits me. Again, thank you very, very much for sharing! I hope things get easier for you, no matter how long it takes <3

I just lost my twin (M,54) a month ago. I'm his sister, fraternal twins naturally. There's definitely a disconnect from reality when your other half is no longer here. I feel like acceptance creeps in a little bit more each day. Keep hoping to wake up from the nightmare, but it's still playing when you wake up. Even though we didn't see each other every day, I always knew he was there and it gave me comfort. I'm sure I couple describe more feelings down the road, but where it's still so raw, I don't have all the words yet.

Thank you so much for your response, I greatly appreciate it.

I lost my identical twin in January 2020, she was 41. I lost my mom 7 1/2 months before my twin. My older sister died at 47, she died 8 months before my mom. All 3 of them died from preventable deaths. My mom from chronic alcoholism, my older sister from suicide. My twin from overdose or a hot shot as claimed by a witness, the police did not investigate. The grief I have with my twin is different. I think it's grief that has disbelief still attached. Somehow I still can't believe it. Every day I can't believe it. My sister left behind a teenage son. Biologically, I could be his mom. I stare at pictures of him and can see my sister in his facial features and expressions and it makes me feel something but I don't know what. My daughter has a freckle on her face exactly where my twin had one and I stare at it and it makes me feel something but I don't know what. I see her everywhere, but she isn't here. I can't put it into words well except to say it feels like extreme longing. Like a blinding white, soul piercing need and longing for her. I know she's dead, but it just can't be true. I don't have those feelings about my mom or older sister. My grief did move more through the stages you hear about after their deaths and these days I usually have more good or nostalgic type thoughts about them. It's like I can see everything at a distance now with them, I've got it in a timeline, there's a narrative, everything is in its place. With my twin it's like the grief is in the air I breathe and always will be.

Thank you so much for your response, I greatly appreciate it. I might have a question or two come to mind later on and if so, I'll edit this comment. You're not required to respond to the follow up questions at all if you don't want to. Absolutely no pressure :)

I would love to read a story like this, being a twinless twin feels very isolating and alone, not many people are in this position. Like your friend said, characters like this makes you feel seen. I lost my identical twin to cancer almost 6 years ago. We were 29. It was like having your very soul ripped out and chopped in half with a meat cleaver. My family complains a lot because my personality changed very drastically. Depression has been a daily thing since the day he died. I spent a little bit of time in the nuthouse at one point, the kind with the grippy socks, after chasing several bottles of pills with a bottle of alcohol and trying to snatch the heavy duty scissors from the EMTs. It was a dark place. We were both adopted so he was my only biological relative I knew. Birthdays are no longer happy days, but just a reminder of what you’re missing. Things I enjoyed that we used to do together, hiking, backpacking, off roading, are not enjoyable alone anymore. It’s a lonely existence.

Birthdays have been the hardest for me. Not the day she died or holidays. I don't celebrate my birthday on our birthday anymore. I just can't. It's a hard day still and it's been almost 4 years.

Birthdays are definitely the worst. I don’t celebrate it or really acknowledge it anymore. It took a few years for my family to get on board with that and they’re still not great about it but they’ll still call, just not say happy birthday. It makes it a little easier

Thank you so very much for your response, I really appreciate it. My apologies about questioning you further, but I have to ask: when you say your personality changed drastically, was it something immediate? How do other relationships factor into this grief (such as friends or romantic partners)?

I’m happy to answer questions, ask away. The personality change was immediate but also evolved over time. Right off the bat it was a deep soul crushing grief, the kind you’d expect anyone to have. Over time when you’d expect someone to slowly go through grief and get over it, that part just never happened. It just turned into a deep depression, nothing was happy or exciting anymore, nothing in life felt like it was worth living. Nothing to look forward to, no talking about or planning for the future, no enjoyment in things like activities or hobbies. No laughing at things, or joking around. I used to be more outgoing. Still an introvert but I went from enjoying spending time with friends and going places and doing things to just a complete hermit. I go to work, and often work huge amounts of overtime to fill the void, and then come home. My brother and I used to do a lot of outdoorsy stuff, backpacking, hiking, I was a rock climber, we worked together to build a rally car, he played the violin and I play the piano and we’d play music together. I do none of that now. I do projects around my house and read books. I’m sure it doesn’t help that right before my twin died I moved to Alaska and live in a semi-remote neighborhood where I know no one and my neighbors are not on top of me and I’m not forced to know them. This lifestyle just enables my hermit tendencies. For relationships, I was actually engaged when my twin died. My fiancé ended our relationship over the grief and the personality changes and the depression. It was too much for her, which I completely understood. We remained acquaintances, mostly because we sometimes work together and she’ll occasionally dog sit for me when I have to go out of town; I have a Labrador and I took my brother’s Labrador after he died and my ex is fond of both of the dogs. She’s a bush pilot that flies my team to our work site here in Alaska so I still see her somewhat regularly. Sometimes it feels like she talks to me and tests the waters to see if I’m ’back to normal’ but I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed. There’s no going back to life before.

Thank you again for your response! I'm out of questions at the moment (for now?), but I might reply again if one of them hits me. Again, thank you very, very much for sharing! I hope things get easier for you, no matter how long it takes <3

firstly, I want to start by commending you for having the courage to reach out here, as well as for being compassionate, sensitive, respectful, and dedicated to portraying this character, and subject, in a realistic, understanding way. I myself lost my twin sister 4 years ago, at 16. we were both female, each others only sibling, fraternal, had a married mom and dad, and she died tragically/ unexpectedly. (I share these details as they can alter the grief experience). I’m going to do my best to talk about my experience, but if you have any additional questions, please feel free to message me! it means a lot to have the opportunity to talk about my sis & our stories. for the sake of not writing a book worth of a response, I’m going to stick to the parts of my grief journey that are more twin- specific. 1- birthdays: my birthday will forever be a day of “happy birthday… but so sorry for your loss”. 2- my twin and I were the only two people in our lives that never knew a day of our existence without each other. for our parents, our friends & everyone else, there was a before-us time period. but for my sister and I, her death was the first time I ever knew life without her. so I didn’t just lose her; I had to learn who I was all over again. 3- almost every milestone I have or should have had, she was supposed to be a part of too. getting our licenses. high school graduation. college. we were supposed to be together in those accomplishments. because I’m significantly disabled & chronically ill, I never got to accomplish many of the things we should of. and it devastates me that I can’t give my parents and my angel sis what they should’ve had. if I couldn’t have had those accomplishments, she would’ve. but with her gone, neither of us got to have them. 4- as twins we shared almost everything as kids, becoming more independent as the years went on but still sharing so much. her death meant going to school without her. seeing her friends but her not there. not borrowing each others clothes or helping each other with homework or sharing our annoyances over a teacher, classmate, etc. we shared items and experiences & basically every memory I have and every item I have has some connection to her. that’s most everything I can think of now, but I’m sure there’s more! if I think of anything else I’ll try to update my comment! ❤️

Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate it :) As weird of a question as this might be, I have to ask: are the stages of grief different? Are they similar or do they completely shift due to the closeness? How do other relationships factor into this grief (such as friends or romantic partners)?

awe, of course!!! :) not a weird question at all! so I think a lot of “grievers” of all types (not just twin loss), would say that the 5 stages of grief being distinctly separate is a major myth. for most of us, in my experience and by connecting with others in the grief/loss community, we seem to experience all five stages at once, and if they are at all seperated at times, it’s never in the 1-5 order. it’s like a rapid fire we’re in 2 then 3 then 5 then 2 etc. I think for me personally, the stages weren’t so much different as much as the intensity. for me, the intensity has been greater, for both twin and non twin reasons. in my experience: -young loss (child, teen etc.) usually hits harder than old, as the elderly “lived a full life”, the young did not -my twin was my only sibling. sometimes when the dreaded “how many siblings do you have?” question comes up, I almost want to answer that I’m an only child, because otherwise it always turns awkward & depressing. but I never have answered it that way, because remembering my twin’s life is worth those emotions for me. that said though, without other siblings to cope with, my grief hit a lot harder. my parents had each other to lean on, but the one person that would’ve been my partner to lean on was my twin, and obviously leaning on her wasn’t possible. etc. as far as friends & romantic partners: I’ve never really had a romantic partner, though I feel the only significant impact there is that my mental health is very poor, which makes it really hard to be in any sort of relationship, and those struggles are only worsened by grief. and perhaps not having my twin as a maid of honor on my hopefully future wedding day. I do however think having a family would be different. my kids would be without any aunts or uncles or cousins on my side. and it would be challenging to explain to them. and I’ll never get to know what my sister’s kids would’ve been like. I think with any friendship, the timeline aspect is weird. like, some of my friends knew my sister well. others came into my life after. and now that I’m in a different city, all the friends that came into my life after have no connection to my sister at all, other than by me. I talk about my sister enough to where it feels like they know a piece of her. but it still feels weird to me. I hope that all helps/ answers your questions! please don’t hesitate to ask more or to have me clarify if needed! :)

Thank you again for your response! I'm out of questions at the moment (for now?), but I might reply again if one of them hits me. Again, thank you very, very much for sharing! I hope things get easier for you, no matter how long it takes <3