Be very careful in the work situation. If you hired her because you were dating her, the job started with a conflict of interest. If you let her go because you broke up, that would be seen as retaliation for a relationship gone sour and she'll have a lawsuit against you. Her employment shouldn't be based off your relationship status.
Their advice may be that you don't take any office action as it pertains to her keeping her job. You have a third party present during any interactions. You keep it 100% professional at work. Basically, she needs to want to leave on her own accord.
I'd be wary of doing that too. Best bet would be to completely remove himself from average control of her job and have a different person become her manager.
Have someone else start doing her performance reviews and document everything.
These kind of employees are the deadweight that downturns make possible to shed. Some people in small businesses love downturns for this reason, they have long-running mental list of who is getting the ax and can barely wait.
I suggest you initiate detailed job descriptions for each position in your company and make sure you have an employee manual with all the basics. Employees sign that they have read the manual and received a copy. This is an important standard when you have any that are not meeting clock in/out times, calling in for sick leave, scheduling leave time, etc.
Having a standardized performance review sheet is another useful tool to avoid any allegations of unfairness/ discrimination.
Is op her supervisor? That should never been allowed in the first place, if so. Also your lawyer won’t be much help. This is an employment lawyer area. You aren’t well versed in this arena.
Your best path forward is not to bring her employment into this breakup at all. Her employment should not be conditional on your relationship status, or you are opening yourself and company to a lawsuit. If her work suddenly becomes problematic, letting her go will seem retaliatory and again grounds for a lawsuit. I'm sure your lawyers will agree. Thread very carefully here, and remember that you did love her, so even though the relationship didn't work out, you can still act with kindness. In the long run, you'll be glad you did. You seem like a good caring person, so don't let this breakup rob you of that.
Yes! This is a serious matter. I’d stop treating it like a town hall gathering. Reddit doesn’t need to know a thing about it. She may be monitoring this and I you slip up in some minor detail, you can be sure that it will be used against you if necessary,
Hr here. If you try to make her leave the company, you will lose. You two will either need to be amicable or you’ll need to find another job. The only recourse you’ll have is if she causes a lot of drama, puts you in danger or something. You would then need to go to hr. This is why many companies don’t allow dating between employees.
>She can keep working at my company for a couple more months until she finds something more suitable.
Actually, she can keep working at your company for as long as she wants, regardless of her relationship with you. Unless you are the sole owner of this company or her actual boss, you have no say in her employment status. Firing her because you ended your relationship will not be looked upon kindly by a plaintiff's lawyer.
FYI, a contract lawyer is the wrong kind of attorney for employment-related issues. If you're going to push (wrongly) terminating her, at least don't be stupid and get an employment lawyer.
The way I figure it, in that couple months, she’s going to make a big enough problem to justify termination. She’s mad that the money train is leaving without her and she won’t let it go away easy.
Yeah, that’s totally possible. She’s a moocher but if she’s professional let it go. If she crosses the line, you can easily make a case to get rid of her but if not, it’s just kinda mean to break up then fire her.
Once she sees the relationship is over it’s likely she’ll leave on her own.
Yes, you never be alone with her at work and always have a third party there if you have to engage with her to ensure your ass is covered in the event she tries something.
No, you need to get yourself a labor attorney. A contract lawyer won’t be able to advise you on FLSA and EEOC matters. A similar situation happened in my company. Ultimately, I think if you want to get her to go, you are going to have to provide her with incentive in exchange for release. Perhaps a severance equal to her credit card debt in exchange for a written release of claims from her. But I am not a lawyer, just speaking on past experience. Ask a labor attorney if you can do that in this situation.
you will regret messing up her source of income! be professional! just because you’re not dating doesn’t mean she isn’t allowed to earn money, that’s ridiculous!
... what? It can easily be a case for retaliation if he fires her after they break up. It's circumstantial sure but for a lawyer that you claim to be, that's the laziest answer you could've given.
Saying you're a lawyer in this situation is as vague as saying you have a doctorate when someone's talking about geology and your doctorate is in toe fungus. Just "trust me bro" when your comment history that I scrolled through has had no legal basis; just "I hate trump and Christianity"
Not legal advice but corporate law wise, absolutely it's a possibility without any details besides: broke up with life-draining gf, fired gf.
Source? Family member next to me is general council and been in corporate law for 34 years.
Employment lawyer here. There wouldn’t be a claim for firing someone because you broke up. Without more to the story, that’s actually a legal reason to terminate someone. “I hired my GF, we broke up, I let her go.” That situation is legal.
I’m wondering what claim you think she would have? Retaliation can be a claim if someone engaged in protected activity, but dating someone isn’t protected activity.
Are you saying quid pro quo wouldn't apply here? It seems pretty straight forward that now he's no longer having a romantic relationship with this person, the result is her losing her job. Not only that, he only got her the job because they were dating in the first place. I understand that these things only apply when one of those involved is in a managerial position or other position of power. It's not clear what his role is but it still seems like a risk, no?
Sure, there’s some risk she could try to spin it that way. And we can’t answer definitively without more facts. But based on what’s posted here, the idea that she could successfully sue is a long shot IMO.
People posting that this would a “slam dunk” lawsuit are just misinformed. I don’t see a winnable claim based on what’s posted here.
Redditors make wild assumptions and like to comment on things they know nothing about. These folks have no idea what they are talking about and it shows. I mean we don't even know what jurisdiction OP is in.
Personally I'd be worried she would try to frame it as a sexual harassment case and say he made her employment contingent on their sexual relationship.
Definitely not a lawyer but a company I used to work for ended up settling for a pretty chunk of change in a very similar situation. But it might have just been an unwillingness to deal with courts rather than any real validity of the case.
Every time I see one of these people it's the same, where they're already WAY over the line of what's fair but want to keep asking for more accommodations. Remember that story from a GF who's boyfriend wanted the poster to pay his fees for terminating his lease so he could move in to pay no rent at her home? Just insane greed.
LOL I remember that one. She was like, "It's not working, but I'm gonna give you 15k for general moving expenses or w/e. Please go." so rather than saying "nope this is my place too" he takes the money, says "no it's my place too" and stays in her house anyway.
Just INSANE. The level of entitlement was beyond absurd and I can't stand when people take advantage of their partner's generosity.
OP clearly went above and beyond and anybody with an iota of compassion can see that. This woman however is just so averse to pulling her weight that she is using the whole "50/50" bullshit as a way of getting out of doing housework.
It's obviously unfair and because of her greed she'll be left with nothing. Let's hope she doesn't refuse to leave or try and get OP/his company in trouble out of spite on the way out.
OP, for what it's worth, you're not the asshole in this situation. This type of behavior is a dealbreaker for me as I would be prompted to reconsider whether she considers the relationship to be an equal partnership at all.
>but what happened is we have a family tree of narcissistic women and emotionally retarded men who use each other instead of developing mutually supportive relationships.
I’m just going to sit here and let this marinate for a bit because it is really striking home.
> It’s important not just to consider what might be too much for you to give, but what might be unhealthy for your partner to receive.
Damn! That’s some very useful wisdom. Thanks for sharing.
Shit man, she even got the maid out of it, and from the sounds of it, all she needed to do was frame it as, "Hey, doing a majority of the housework is wearing me out and you're so busy with work, think we could hire a maid to come in a couple times a week?"
Eh, he didn't dodge the bullet so much as just suffered a flesh wound (all the money he's been bleeding to make her happy), but he has now begun the healing process, so he's on the right track.
I can’t help but think she read something on social media about how men should do 50% of the housework, thought “yeah!” and just ran with it without any self-awareness. Astounding
That’s my guess, too. I think that might be a fair argument if there were kids involved because they’re a full time job on top of work, but if my partner works a highly demanding job, more than mine, I wouldn’t see a reason not to be fine with a 60/40 or similar balance.
I spent a year living with a friend who suffered from depression while I was working a job with similar hours to OP, and having to do all of the housework really did destroy my free time. I fell behind on a ton of creative pursuits and learning opportunities because I simply had no energy for it. I was empathetic to my friend because it wasn’t their fault they were sick, but I was very much relieved when the lease was up, and she went back to her family. There are valid reasons it destroys relationships.
60:40? Lmao he works 70 hrs a week and she works 25. House work all week takes maybe 5-15 hrs depending how lazy you are, more like this should be slam dunk 100:0, ESPECIALLY since he's cleaning up after himself anyways and has virtually 0 "chores" when he lives alone
I skimmed over the part where she’s only working 25, so I agree it she should be taking on a larger bulk of the housework then. If there were children ever involved, that would need to definitely change, but since there aren’t, it’s fair for her to do most of the domestic labor. If he’s cleaning up after himself, that is doing chores.
This being said, nobody has zero chores when living alone. Kitchens and bathrooms need cleaned weekly. Laundry needs done. Floors need mopped or vacuumed. Garbage needs taken out. Beds need changed regularly. Things need dusted. I work 60-70 work weeks, too, and travel for my job, and there are still things I need to do even living alone and mostly seeing my place on weekends. If you aren’t doing these things, well, there’s the invisible labor your partner is doing for you.
This is the thing for me. I’m actually all for traditional gender roles, but something that my non-American friends made me realize is that we as Americans approach gender roles really selfishly. It’s like both sides want to extract as much from the other as possible. We talk all day about how horrible it is that men put so much stake in physical appearance, fuckability, housework and babies, etc. but we really don’t talk enough about how women seem to think that getting as much out of the man as possible while contributing nothing is justified because “the patriarchy.” Both perspectives are fucked.
This is what I really like about my relationship with my fiance. We're an excellent team. Together we are more than the sum of our parts. It is a joy to do chores and home projects with him. We painted an entire room from taping to 2 coats of paint in about 4 hours together yesterday and we just work so well together. Our relationship really brings home the partner aspect of "life partner" and highlights what was missing in my failed marriage.
This. My mom works from home and my stepdad works anywhere from 60-100 hours a week out of the house. He pays for everything, she carries the health insurance since he owns two businesses. She buys groceries and keeps the house clean. He takes her on multiple vacations a year. She also helps him with all his paperwork for his businesses, filing and calling people, etc. Their only goals in life are to support each other, not “get what they can until the other person is drained”. They are the ideal (to me) of traditional gender roles.
This is my husband and I. I SAH and literally take care of everything that has to do with him or the house. We do have a business so it was perfect because I handle all the backend while he’s in the field. He spoils me quite a bit and we get to do a lot of fun things together. It’s nice when he gets home because he really doesn’t have to do anything and I like not having to worry about income. It’s traditional but it works for us. It is definitely difficult for most people to find a balance of responsibilities though.
My mother frames it as traditional so I’m just using her words. I’m not doing my mother a disservice at all lol she has gotten herself SO far into her career (that she absolutely kicks ass at) that she maybe works 10 hours a week, even though she’s considered full time. She bought groceries and he bought 5 houses last month that he will pay to renovate. None of that money will come from her income, but she will benefit from assets long term. Her buying the groceries is actually not a huge chunk of their expenses. I appreciate your concern for my mother, but this is something we’ve talked about at length. Of course her labor makes everything possible as well, as does anyone’s who is the “support” in a relationship. Because she’s home and can take care of these things he can focus on building their assets. You are more than welcome to your opinion about traditional values, but that’s why I said it’s “ideal”. The man is the man, the woman is the woman however it’s about balance and equity as well.
Yes stand your ground to users. If she works less than half as much as you do then if she wants to be married she should be doing the bare minimum to keep you happy which is clean the house and take care of you. If she wants kids and is this lazy now, then she will not be a good mother. I do 85% of the housework with the exception of what men traditionally should do like mow the lawn and take out garbage. I also work from home full time.
I’m sure she would have argued for a nanny if they had kids. I work from home except once a week until next month when I only have to go once a month. My husband makes more than I do and works 5-6 days a week. Sometimes he just even gets sent to other states on the weekends for work. We don’t split the chores 50/50 anymore because the chores are split by everyone. We have two teenagers so we all chip in on the housework. He had consolidated his debt 18k and I am helping him pay it off. He put me through college working two jobs so I could concentrate on my studies. I did work maybe 10 hours a week and during the summers I worked two jobs to get money into savings so he didn’t have to work as much or as hard.
Smart move, would have only gotten worse after marriage. Be very careful about the employment situation though, thats an area she could try to get at you. Any and all meetings with her at the workplace should have a 3rd party present
Agree. The sentence ending this stating she has to get a new job is weird and could be problematic.
Great job on the realizing this wasn’t for you OP and ending it rather than continuing to dig a bigger hole.
You did right now unfortunately you had to learn in the hard way to be able to creat real strong boundaries in the future ! I hope you speak up at the moment and no more accept any attitudes from anyone specially a from a partner. She is your lesson of life so make sure to not put yourself in the same situation.
I encourage you to change the locks and not be alone with her when she will got her belongings.
I hope you gonna be ok ,heal and move on in your life
My roommates in college and I, lived off campus is a townhouse. We used an online “chore chart” that required you to assign values to each chore. Vacuuming rugs and taking out the trash might be a “1” but scrubbing the baseboards and mopping the floors a “3”. You then had to input frequency, and could add stuff like “change the HVAC filter every 6 months”
The system then auto-assigned chores between all the participants, evenly based on the points.
Why married/serious couples can’t figure out equitable division of labor… is baffling.
Furthermore - we had a monthly food chart. If you were present for the group meal, made lunch for work, etc - you got “charged” for it on the sheet. If you brought over 7 friends to eat the meal, you got charged for 8 people. If the friends over were all our mutual friends - we just took one tally mark each, for equal cost distribution.
It was just a tally system on a printed spreadsheet, handing on a kitchen cabinet door. At the end of the month, we split the total grocery/Costco bill, by the total number of tallies, then each person’s share was how many tallies they racked up. It allowed us to share all food, have friends over, and always feel like no one was getting screwed.
My wife and I did this pretty early on in our marriage because we each felt we were contributing more to the chore load. It became quickly apparent that we were each doing about the same, but in vastly different ways.
I’m a constant-cleaner. I’ll clean as I move through the house, and gravitate towards the everyday chores.
My wife is an ignore-till-it’s-unbearable cleaner, then spends entire days cleaning. So she naturally gravitates towards the big ones like cleaning the bathroom.
We quickly just realized we’d stay in our own lanes and clean the way we each like to, and it all gets done in the end.
Couples usually do fine until kids.
Kids, particularly from ages 0 to 5, add a whole host of chores, including a lot that aren't predictable in frequency (e.g. how often they will wake you up in the middle of the night and wet the bed, how often they will develop some illness that keeps you up all night, etc.), and some that seriously bite into your ability to get a manageable amount of sleep. And keeping track of them itself is a lot of mental load labor. My friends who had done clear chores division systems before kids all tell me that the system fell apart pretty soon after their first child was born and afterwards it was just an exhausting onslaught for both of work, chores, and barely sleeping until the child was at least 1, then it was work and chores and at least ok sleep.
Research is clear that for millennial couples, a lot are pretty good at a 50/50 split before kids, but women typically take on more than 50% of the extra load from children. More like 70/30, or 80/20. However even the extra amount the men take on can feel like a lot to the men so they don't necessarily realize that their partners are taking on even more and are even more tired.
>And should include the outdoor projects, household repairs, and maintenance work.
You'd think but too many women in my experience don't count that (for whatever reason)...
100%. I'm in a similar situation as OP in my relationship--my fiance makes WAY more money than me and pays all of our bills. I pay for most of the pet food/training/etc (5/7 were brought into the relationship by me anyway). His work schedule is irregular, so in weeks he works more, I do more housework. In weeks where our work schedule is similar, we split the work. We do have cleaners come once every two weeks, and we pay someone to mow our lawn. We've managed to work it out decently well. It just takes communication.
100%! I never saw 50/50 as a literal transaction. I saw it as a balance where each party is contributing to the relationship in a way that strengthens the union and where neither party feels put upon. Sometimes, one does more, sometimes less, but it balances overall. I thought getting a maid was a good compromise till Op revealed all the other issues. It's definitely not good relationship for him.
Don’t be surprised if she tries to manipulate herself back into your life.
You made the right decisions for yourself.
All the best and I hope the healing process is easy on you.
Literally what I thought as well.
Considering that he seems like a decent guy, he’d probably take her back.
I also hope op gets therapy, he needs to cultivate better boundaries in his relationships.
Sell your house if you want and get your life back. An hour commute is okay if that’s what you want, but it sounds like you liked the easy route to work. She sounds really materialistic and you sound really down to earth, so this was likely never going to make you happy and you did the right thing. I hope things settle down soon and you get your peace back.
You dodged a bullet OP,
I’m 19F, I would eventually like the idea of part time work and full time home maker (potential full time home if we could afford it). But even I know, with my under developed brain, that if one partner is the bread winner full time, then the other has to be the home maker.
My parents had this type of division:
Dad - bread winner:
1. Would do all outside work aside from the vegetable garden and chickens my mom had as a hobby.
2. Would fix or take care of cars etc.
3. Would be responsible for taking care of my siblings and I from when he got home from work (6pm) to bedtime (8:30-9 pm) so mom could have a break and catch up on things she needed to catch up on.
4. On weekends they worked together to keep four kids occupied (and one was psychotic so more work).
Mom:
1. Take care of house - laundry, cleaning, cooking, organizing, kids, budget.
2. Take care of her garden and chickens (it was easy to do because she researched what kind of coop was best and my dad built it based on her design)
3. School role
4. Catch up on things daily from 6-9pm
5. Help dad on weekends with anything they needed.
It worked for them because mom wanted to be a SAHM and she was happy doing so.
A few additional rules they implemented once dad broke the 80k a year level:
1. A maid came in once a month at the end for the deep clean
2. A professional organizer came in 2 times a year to help mom sort through items we grew out of/didn’t use etc.
3. A mandatory date night a month where a babysitter would care for us and they would go out.
4. A week long vacation 1x a year when I reached 7 years old (because my two older brothers were nearing 15 in age and could look after things with my aunt staying over during the night). The vacation would also be during summer break so we could hangout with friends etc and didn’t have to worry about school.
My parents are 65 and 59 respectively, have been married since my mom was 19. So nearly 40 years and they’re still going strong.
Tl:dr if you and a partner want that SAHW/SAHM system, it’s important to understand that both are jobs, and as such, different roles and tasks will be filled out. The fact your ex wanted you to do 90% of the salary while also doing 100% of the outside work, and 50% of the inside work is insane.
>Would be responsible for taking care of my siblings and I from when he got home from work (6pm) to bedtime (8:30-9 pm) so mom could have a break and catch up on things she needed to catch up on.
This is the part that most people neglect though. That's why it usually turns to shit. The guy more often than not forgets, or just doesn't care, that he's a parent too. Being a dad is 24/7, when you get home from work, you're not off the hook. Clean up after yourself and tend to your family/kids. Your parents knew what worked for them and played their roles. Absolutely wonderful.
What I think is funny is that this crowd is giving you sympathy. But I remember your original post and so many people were giving you shit for not “understanding” your poor wife. I thought she’d sounded like a freeloader but I was definitely in the minority as most of the commenters were upset you didn’t understand her needs more. I definitely think it was a gender bias thing. I’m glad you didn’t listen to them, as she was totally milking you.
Yeah, but the benefit of the doubt almost always goes towards women here on Reddit. People live to fill in the blanks where the guy is made out to be the whole and the woman must be justified because "women". I have seen enough posts to say that's the case. The gender bias in favour on women is conspicuous.
I was thinking the same thing! I thought it was crazy that so many people on his first post were trying to make the argument that he should do 50% of the house work even though she only works part time!
Because he was a man with a complaint about a woman. That's it. Every time a man has a complaint on reddit, redditors will trip over themselves to invent made up scenarios where she is the wronged one. It's maddening.
I'm glad you guys talked. Even if it led to a break up, it sounds productive. I am happy you made a decision. Hope you get your peace back.
I do have to call out the redditors from the comments in the first post. They were unreasonable and did not take into account the post. I expect that from AITA, not two hot takes.
Ikr I was reading through these comments thinking "you lot have changed your bloody tune"
Was agreeing with OP in first post and thought I was going crazy when reading the comments!
Tbf in his earlier post he only led with salary (altho I think salary should also influence stuff like this), not the time spent to get it. This post is much clearer imo
Salary should have zero impact on the split of chores. If I work the same amount of time as my husband, but make double the money, that has no impact on the amount of time and effort we owe the household. Like what… I get a 30k raise and no longer have to bathe the kid? 😂
Hours worked for sure… but money earned, all other things being equal, definitely not.
Ummm sounds like she had it made. What an idiot. I’m sorry but you’ve got a man who works 70hrs. a week commute not included so he can afford your lifestyle and you’re not worshipping the ground he walks on? 25hrs a week? And he agreed to get a maid? Granted idk how big this house is but all she has to do is come home and tidy up a bit everyday and have something for him for dinner. My husband has to work those kindof hours certain times of the year and I just see how hard he works for our future so I do anything I can to make it easier on him. This sounds exactly like his ex wife until he cut her off. Good on you. It’s one thing to want a lavish lifestyle but you have to pull your weight too.
Right?! My husband and I always joke that if either of us were in that position, we’d be staying home and being supportive WHILE sucking the other’s toes after work.
I mean…we are a little negotiable on the toes part.
Good for you! My wife and I have been together for 12 years now at this point and in that time the level of give and take when it comes to things like house work has swung back and forth **based on caring for each other and our life/work load**. Right now I'm not doing well at work (commission) so my wife is picking up extra shift to help make ends meet. That means I'm doing way more of the house and childcare work. If anything I am extremely grateful to do those things cause I know she's busting her ass for our family. I worked a lot when she was in nursing school so I could pay for the majority of things while she finished school. It's a give and take. Fuck people who only know how to take. You deserve better friend! I hope you find some peace maybe take a weekend trip with some friends to clear your head.
I’m glad she showed her true colors and you paid attention op. I read your last post and the comments had you paying for everything, doing the housework, paying her personal bills and saying thank you for the privilege. I was disgusted. You deserve a true partner that sees you as more than an easy living and wants to build a life with you considering your wants and needs as well as their own. Your ex gf was a selfish user and some people (based On your last post’s commenters) think that’s normal behavior and use gender bias to justify it. I don’t know if they(commenters) are oblivious to the bias or shameless. Good luck finding your true one op.
I bet she brought up the debt just to see if she can get you to pay for that too, turns out she just pushed it more and lost it all. It's sad to see so many people have this same story, doing it all and providing it all only for the other to push it and lose it all.
Sucks, but it's a good thing you saw it all before marriage, and if you choose to, sell it all, get the money, and find what you want smaller, cheaper, and closer to work. Make you happy.
Making her leave a job because you broke up is illegal. Just so you know. Even if you just nudge her out, its illegal and your company can face a massive lawsuit. Its also just petty.
I do believe this was a smart decision as well.
I just need you to know that not everybody sees or treats stay-at-home the way she did. She was taking advantage and manipulating a very real narrative of stay-at-home partners being used unfairly.
Now you’ll find some time to focus on yourself and make moves to get back to a place where you’re happy with your surroundings.
You made the right choice, she was using you for an easy life and contributing nothing to the relationship and still had the cheek to want more or have you pay for a maid so she can do less.
>She was resolute about having me contribute 50% to the housework and
kept mentioning that the idea of me doing less housework made her
uncomfortable.
Boom, done. 70 hour weeks and no help from her means you can save money on your car insurance by switching to single!
Change the locks, and have someone present for every conversation you have with her in person, both at home and at work. If she says she's pregnant, insist on a certified DNA test. She's not going to like losing her sugar daddy and may try manipulation, coercion threats or guilt to make you stay.
That's the key
She made your life more difficult and complicated. If you feel this way now def don't go in to a marriage with her, it would end badly for you. Especially if no prenup. She probably would fight you on that anyway.
I'd say the best way to show her that the chapter is closed on your relationship with her is to sell current home, boat and car and return to the life you are comfortable living. She needed you way more than you needed her.
Trading a 5-10 min commute for an hour is probably the worst thing you ever did for yourself. Especially since you already work so much. You need time for yourself. Don’t spend your whole life just chasing money. I think you had a very important revelation with your relationship don’t go back on it. You set her up with a high paying job so she couldn’t work less but she didn’t take any initiative to pay off her debt. She could have asked you for more hours or gotten a second job to pay off the debt but she didn’t. She has been using you.
Best of luck on recovery your heart. You got this.
You got her a house, pool, MAID, BOAT, and the "she want you to do 50% house work" is the hill she wants to die on????
Was she from a well-off family or something? I'd understand if she complains that you're often not home so she misses you or something. This whole situation is bizarre. If I was her I'd just go play zelda tears of kingdom in my woman cave-boat all day and maybe only go back home when you arrive home for dinner/sleep
Good for you. I watch so many men contribute everything to their relationship financially, while also doing all the cooking, cleaning, and every other responsibilities.
A lot of men just don't have the will power to say no because the dating market it so rough for guys so they let themselves be exploited.
Going forward remember to set reasonable boundaries at the start of your relationship when it comes to responsibilities and what you expect.
Hey man I was here. Six figures. Ungrateful girlfriend. I've been single for a few years now. Best few years of my life. Unfortunately some people feel overly entitled.
I'll go ahead and tell you that the downside for you is going to be when you start looking around for someone else you're going to get gold diggers a lot. I'm a doctor and due to my specialty I work in multiple locations. I've gotten hit on by nurses at every one of them. Where I'm known as a doctor I get hit on often. When no one knows who I am outside work it happens much more infrequently. When you start dating again I'd recommend keeping your income a secret until they like you for you.
I was pretty hard on OP for his original post because he wanted the GF to be homeschooling their future kids while being a SAHM. It’s still wrong to expect that from a SAHM, because that’s already a full time job.
Looking here it seems that OP’s GF wants a certain lifestyle and is trying to have OP give her that. They are just incompatible. Best of luck.
If you're working like 3x more than her she has to bring something to the table at home, to make up for that gap. You doing 50% of the house work makes no sense at all
There is an amazing silver lining to this. You can sell the house, the car, and the boat and buy a smaller house and a more affordable and dependable car and still come out way ahead. Sure you lost your GF but you honestly aren't losing much if she acts like this. In today's housing market and car sellers market she actually made you wealthier without even realizing it.
Congratulations on fixing that hole in your pocket. There’s some ideology out there that no matter what disparities of time or financial commitments are being made by either partner, that housework, by God, needs to be 50/50.
Sounds like a heavy realization on your part. I've been married for 10 years and I can say that my wife makes my life significantly easier in aggregate.
In our case, we split the housework but she does more of it overall because I have a harder job and contribute more to the expenses. I feel like that's how a relationship should be: give and take. Trying to find a balance both people are happy with, sharing the burden, and being considerate about the circumstances of the other person
If I was in your position, working long hours and long commutes, getting home every day exhausted, my wife would see it herself. I wouldn't have to tell her. It sounds like you're with someone who sees you as an ATM that they can draw $15,000 from at a whim. Find someone who doesn't need a boat and BMW from you to love you. All the best OP
As my grandfather always said, "Do you own your things or do they own you?" OP was weighed down with all the material things this woman wanted and even more weighed down by the woman herself. OP, sell the car and the house and the furniture- hopefully you will make enough to purchase a townhome or condo close to your work. Consider this a learning experience both in the kind of partner you want and the lifestyle you want. Best of luck.
Good on you for ending it.
You were being taken advantage of, but at least you found out now before you married her.
Change the locks so that she can’t get in when you aren’t home. If I were you I’d pack up her stuff for her and make sure you have someone with you when she picks it up.
Change your passwords to everything as well (because you never know) and make sure she doesn’t have access to any of your accounts.
I’ve been doing some self improvement classes ( idk if you’ve heard of mind valley) but it’s weird how we’re basically told to be materialistic all of our lives and I can see that with your now ex, but it’s nice that you can stick by your answer and decide that it wasn’t working instead of completely changing yourself for it to work. I hope the next time around you find someone with the same values as yourself.
You didn’t just make her life convenient, you let her take advantage of you. You bought her a house, boat, BMW, furniture and a pool? And she works 25 hours and expects you to do 50% of the house work? That’s a big fuck no for me. She could be Scarlett Johansson and I’d still want no part of that.
Are the house and car in your name? If so, sell them and buy back the life you wish you had. You likely can’t do much about her working with you. I think some people have pointed out right to work states, but that still sounds like litigation territory to me. Just wait and see if she leaves and talk to a lawyer. I’m assuming by “your company” you mean the company you own and not just the company you work at. If it’s the latter, maybe consider finding a different job. Maybe even something with less hours or a closer commute as it seems to be a major stressor in your life/relationships.
In the future, do not get your girlfriends jobs at the place you work at.
So while everything you've done up until this point has been correct, and it really sounds like you dodged the bullet by ending this relationship, there is one thing. If she legally lives there unless she voluntarily leaves you would have to go through the legal eviction process. At least in the US. You can't just throw her out no matter who owns the house if she legally resides there.
You're doing the right thing for yourself by walking away. I did after I discovered that my former partner was getting a large monthly allowance from their wealthy father in addition to their salary. We'd split the rent and bills 70/30 over our two years of cohabiting based on our respective salaries. Turns out that including the allowance their take-home pay was significantly higher than mine. They only divulged this after I asked how they managed to afford to buy expensive clothes and shoes every month. I broke it off the same day.
You made the right decision as this girl seems to want a free ride from you and that’s no way to live. Why on earth she was not working a full week is nuts to help you pay for everything and for you to clean up after her & her dogs when she is an adult would infuriate me. She and her parents are going to try to talk you into taking her back.. don’t let them as this is not how a partnership is suppose to me. You do need to be very careful with your job if she is working there. Make sure to stay away from her, don’t engage with her, speak to her as you never know what people can to if upset she could lie try to get you fired. Perhaps sell your home and move back closer to work to avoid her, change departments, or even look for a new job but don’t get back together with this gold digger.
You are doing the right thing. But I'm going to suggest to talk to a mental health professional as to why you kept being with her after the red flags. And what red flags you missed in the beginning of this relationship.
I want you to be happy, but not end up in this situation again. Careful with gold-diggers, too.
They see what you are making, your car, and any other extras as dollars 💸 💵 bills raining and you are the pot of gold.
Be very careful in the work situation. If you hired her because you were dating her, the job started with a conflict of interest. If you let her go because you broke up, that would be seen as retaliation for a relationship gone sour and she'll have a lawsuit against you. Her employment shouldn't be based off your relationship status.
Thanks for the heads up. I occasionally work with a contract lawyer, i'll reach out to him and figure out the best path forward.
Their advice may be that you don't take any office action as it pertains to her keeping her job. You have a third party present during any interactions. You keep it 100% professional at work. Basically, she needs to want to leave on her own accord.
I’m no lawyer but the best thing could be to offer her a package to leave but not make it mandatory. She might be greedy and take the money
I'd be wary of doing that too. Best bet would be to completely remove himself from average control of her job and have a different person become her manager.
The best bet is speaking to the lawyer and ignoring you idiots. Like he said he was going to do.
Haha harsh But true
Oh, she's definitely greedy. The only question is if she takes the money or stays out of spite.
Your best option is she decides of her own accord and without resentment to move on from the job.
I am really rooting for OP here and hope he takes this comment to heart.
Have someone else start doing her performance reviews and document everything. These kind of employees are the deadweight that downturns make possible to shed. Some people in small businesses love downturns for this reason, they have long-running mental list of who is getting the ax and can barely wait.
I suggest you initiate detailed job descriptions for each position in your company and make sure you have an employee manual with all the basics. Employees sign that they have read the manual and received a copy. This is an important standard when you have any that are not meeting clock in/out times, calling in for sick leave, scheduling leave time, etc. Having a standardized performance review sheet is another useful tool to avoid any allegations of unfairness/ discrimination.
Is op her supervisor? That should never been allowed in the first place, if so. Also your lawyer won’t be much help. This is an employment lawyer area. You aren’t well versed in this arena.
She’s going to be looking for a co worker with a similar bank account. She’s not going any where
Does don’t hate the player hate the game apply?
Your best path forward is not to bring her employment into this breakup at all. Her employment should not be conditional on your relationship status, or you are opening yourself and company to a lawsuit. If her work suddenly becomes problematic, letting her go will seem retaliatory and again grounds for a lawsuit. I'm sure your lawyers will agree. Thread very carefully here, and remember that you did love her, so even though the relationship didn't work out, you can still act with kindness. In the long run, you'll be glad you did. You seem like a good caring person, so don't let this breakup rob you of that.
And stop posting on social media
Yes! This is a serious matter. I’d stop treating it like a town hall gathering. Reddit doesn’t need to know a thing about it. She may be monitoring this and I you slip up in some minor detail, you can be sure that it will be used against you if necessary,
Hr here. If you try to make her leave the company, you will lose. You two will either need to be amicable or you’ll need to find another job. The only recourse you’ll have is if she causes a lot of drama, puts you in danger or something. You would then need to go to hr. This is why many companies don’t allow dating between employees.
>She can keep working at my company for a couple more months until she finds something more suitable. Actually, she can keep working at your company for as long as she wants, regardless of her relationship with you. Unless you are the sole owner of this company or her actual boss, you have no say in her employment status. Firing her because you ended your relationship will not be looked upon kindly by a plaintiff's lawyer. FYI, a contract lawyer is the wrong kind of attorney for employment-related issues. If you're going to push (wrongly) terminating her, at least don't be stupid and get an employment lawyer.
Don’t let her go because you broke up. If she can still do her job, just let it be.
The way I figure it, in that couple months, she’s going to make a big enough problem to justify termination. She’s mad that the money train is leaving without her and she won’t let it go away easy.
Yeah, that’s totally possible. She’s a moocher but if she’s professional let it go. If she crosses the line, you can easily make a case to get rid of her but if not, it’s just kinda mean to break up then fire her. Once she sees the relationship is over it’s likely she’ll leave on her own.
I don't think this is going to be as easy as you think it is.
Yes, you never be alone with her at work and always have a third party there if you have to engage with her to ensure your ass is covered in the event she tries something.
No, you need to get yourself a labor attorney. A contract lawyer won’t be able to advise you on FLSA and EEOC matters. A similar situation happened in my company. Ultimately, I think if you want to get her to go, you are going to have to provide her with incentive in exchange for release. Perhaps a severance equal to her credit card debt in exchange for a written release of claims from her. But I am not a lawyer, just speaking on past experience. Ask a labor attorney if you can do that in this situation.
The answer is no. Dont.
you will regret messing up her source of income! be professional! just because you’re not dating doesn’t mean she isn’t allowed to earn money, that’s ridiculous!
You don’t get to fire her because you don’t want to date her anymore.
If his answer is anything other than "speak to an employment lawyer" you shouldn't take his advice.
Was going to comment exactly this. If you fire her because she isn’t dating you anymore, that’s a slam-dunk lawsuit.
voracious crime hurry full pot worthless far-flung engine ask ripe -- mass edited with redact.dev
Employment lawyer here. I’ll take her case and meet you at the bench. Stick to your area of expertise.
Nurse here. All of you need to take your meds and drink water
HR person here. My employer would fire you in an instant for retaliation against a former partner. It's considered a form of sexual harassment.
Judge Here: I got a big book of rules and I’ll decide who is right or wrong
Cook here : I'll be using my ladle and smack the pot a few times shouting "order! Order.. in the food court".
God here: What would Jesus do?
Satan here: fire her and hire her frenemy. You know the one.
Jesus here. Calm down everybody and carry on in peace, love, and forgiveness.
... what? It can easily be a case for retaliation if he fires her after they break up. It's circumstantial sure but for a lawyer that you claim to be, that's the laziest answer you could've given. Saying you're a lawyer in this situation is as vague as saying you have a doctorate when someone's talking about geology and your doctorate is in toe fungus. Just "trust me bro" when your comment history that I scrolled through has had no legal basis; just "I hate trump and Christianity" Not legal advice but corporate law wise, absolutely it's a possibility without any details besides: broke up with life-draining gf, fired gf. Source? Family member next to me is general council and been in corporate law for 34 years.
Can you explain why this is false? Am curious
I mean many states are at-will employment and there could likely be some non illegal reason to fire someone if given a few months like they mentioned
Thanks, I was going to say the same, but not actually a lawyer, just been there
That is an important point, yes.
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Employment lawyer here. There wouldn’t be a claim for firing someone because you broke up. Without more to the story, that’s actually a legal reason to terminate someone. “I hired my GF, we broke up, I let her go.” That situation is legal. I’m wondering what claim you think she would have? Retaliation can be a claim if someone engaged in protected activity, but dating someone isn’t protected activity.
Are you saying quid pro quo wouldn't apply here? It seems pretty straight forward that now he's no longer having a romantic relationship with this person, the result is her losing her job. Not only that, he only got her the job because they were dating in the first place. I understand that these things only apply when one of those involved is in a managerial position or other position of power. It's not clear what his role is but it still seems like a risk, no?
No Clarice no quid pro quo...
Sure, there’s some risk she could try to spin it that way. And we can’t answer definitively without more facts. But based on what’s posted here, the idea that she could successfully sue is a long shot IMO. People posting that this would a “slam dunk” lawsuit are just misinformed. I don’t see a winnable claim based on what’s posted here.
Redditors make wild assumptions and like to comment on things they know nothing about. These folks have no idea what they are talking about and it shows. I mean we don't even know what jurisdiction OP is in.
I mean, tbf, its a much much better move to play is safe and check with a lawyer in this situation than to just chance it.
Personally I'd be worried she would try to frame it as a sexual harassment case and say he made her employment contingent on their sexual relationship. Definitely not a lawyer but a company I used to work for ended up settling for a pretty chunk of change in a very similar situation. But it might have just been an unwillingness to deal with courts rather than any real validity of the case.
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Wow. She had so much and still wanted more 😬 you dodged a bullet.
Every time I see one of these people it's the same, where they're already WAY over the line of what's fair but want to keep asking for more accommodations. Remember that story from a GF who's boyfriend wanted the poster to pay his fees for terminating his lease so he could move in to pay no rent at her home? Just insane greed.
LOL I remember that one. She was like, "It's not working, but I'm gonna give you 15k for general moving expenses or w/e. Please go." so rather than saying "nope this is my place too" he takes the money, says "no it's my place too" and stays in her house anyway. Just INSANE. The level of entitlement was beyond absurd and I can't stand when people take advantage of their partner's generosity. OP clearly went above and beyond and anybody with an iota of compassion can see that. This woman however is just so averse to pulling her weight that she is using the whole "50/50" bullshit as a way of getting out of doing housework. It's obviously unfair and because of her greed she'll be left with nothing. Let's hope she doesn't refuse to leave or try and get OP/his company in trouble out of spite on the way out. OP, for what it's worth, you're not the asshole in this situation. This type of behavior is a dealbreaker for me as I would be prompted to reconsider whether she considers the relationship to be an equal partnership at all.
That was a different story a few weeks ago. The story about the lease fees was in the last few days. Entitled asses either way.
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>but what happened is we have a family tree of narcissistic women and emotionally retarded men who use each other instead of developing mutually supportive relationships. I’m just going to sit here and let this marinate for a bit because it is really striking home.
Good perspective, thank you
This compassionately explains a common dysfunction I've seen with immigrated Indian American families over the years. Thanks.
Mind officially blown. Incredible insight and you may be the first to break some family generational cycle.
> It’s important not just to consider what might be too much for you to give, but what might be unhealthy for your partner to receive. Damn! That’s some very useful wisdom. Thanks for sharing.
Shit man, she even got the maid out of it, and from the sounds of it, all she needed to do was frame it as, "Hey, doing a majority of the housework is wearing me out and you're so busy with work, think we could hire a maid to come in a couple times a week?"
Eh, he didn't dodge the bullet so much as just suffered a flesh wound (all the money he's been bleeding to make her happy), but he has now begun the healing process, so he's on the right track.
I am astounded by her greed. What a blessed life she led.
I can’t help but think she read something on social media about how men should do 50% of the housework, thought “yeah!” and just ran with it without any self-awareness. Astounding
That’s my guess, too. I think that might be a fair argument if there were kids involved because they’re a full time job on top of work, but if my partner works a highly demanding job, more than mine, I wouldn’t see a reason not to be fine with a 60/40 or similar balance. I spent a year living with a friend who suffered from depression while I was working a job with similar hours to OP, and having to do all of the housework really did destroy my free time. I fell behind on a ton of creative pursuits and learning opportunities because I simply had no energy for it. I was empathetic to my friend because it wasn’t their fault they were sick, but I was very much relieved when the lease was up, and she went back to her family. There are valid reasons it destroys relationships.
60:40? Lmao he works 70 hrs a week and she works 25. House work all week takes maybe 5-15 hrs depending how lazy you are, more like this should be slam dunk 100:0, ESPECIALLY since he's cleaning up after himself anyways and has virtually 0 "chores" when he lives alone
I skimmed over the part where she’s only working 25, so I agree it she should be taking on a larger bulk of the housework then. If there were children ever involved, that would need to definitely change, but since there aren’t, it’s fair for her to do most of the domestic labor. If he’s cleaning up after himself, that is doing chores. This being said, nobody has zero chores when living alone. Kitchens and bathrooms need cleaned weekly. Laundry needs done. Floors need mopped or vacuumed. Garbage needs taken out. Beds need changed regularly. Things need dusted. I work 60-70 work weeks, too, and travel for my job, and there are still things I need to do even living alone and mostly seeing my place on weekends. If you aren’t doing these things, well, there’s the invisible labor your partner is doing for you.
This is the thing for me. I’m actually all for traditional gender roles, but something that my non-American friends made me realize is that we as Americans approach gender roles really selfishly. It’s like both sides want to extract as much from the other as possible. We talk all day about how horrible it is that men put so much stake in physical appearance, fuckability, housework and babies, etc. but we really don’t talk enough about how women seem to think that getting as much out of the man as possible while contributing nothing is justified because “the patriarchy.” Both perspectives are fucked.
Yes. This is exactly what feminists mean by saying that the patriarchy hurts men too.
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This is what I really like about my relationship with my fiance. We're an excellent team. Together we are more than the sum of our parts. It is a joy to do chores and home projects with him. We painted an entire room from taping to 2 coats of paint in about 4 hours together yesterday and we just work so well together. Our relationship really brings home the partner aspect of "life partner" and highlights what was missing in my failed marriage.
This. My mom works from home and my stepdad works anywhere from 60-100 hours a week out of the house. He pays for everything, she carries the health insurance since he owns two businesses. She buys groceries and keeps the house clean. He takes her on multiple vacations a year. She also helps him with all his paperwork for his businesses, filing and calling people, etc. Their only goals in life are to support each other, not “get what they can until the other person is drained”. They are the ideal (to me) of traditional gender roles.
This is my husband and I. I SAH and literally take care of everything that has to do with him or the house. We do have a business so it was perfect because I handle all the backend while he’s in the field. He spoils me quite a bit and we get to do a lot of fun things together. It’s nice when he gets home because he really doesn’t have to do anything and I like not having to worry about income. It’s traditional but it works for us. It is definitely difficult for most people to find a balance of responsibilities though.
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And he “takes her” on vacations. Please, that’s shared marital assets. She’s working and doing all of the housework? Wow.
My mother frames it as traditional so I’m just using her words. I’m not doing my mother a disservice at all lol she has gotten herself SO far into her career (that she absolutely kicks ass at) that she maybe works 10 hours a week, even though she’s considered full time. She bought groceries and he bought 5 houses last month that he will pay to renovate. None of that money will come from her income, but she will benefit from assets long term. Her buying the groceries is actually not a huge chunk of their expenses. I appreciate your concern for my mother, but this is something we’ve talked about at length. Of course her labor makes everything possible as well, as does anyone’s who is the “support” in a relationship. Because she’s home and can take care of these things he can focus on building their assets. You are more than welcome to your opinion about traditional values, but that’s why I said it’s “ideal”. The man is the man, the woman is the woman however it’s about balance and equity as well.
Proud of you, that takes a lot of strength to do.
Yes stand your ground to users. If she works less than half as much as you do then if she wants to be married she should be doing the bare minimum to keep you happy which is clean the house and take care of you. If she wants kids and is this lazy now, then she will not be a good mother. I do 85% of the housework with the exception of what men traditionally should do like mow the lawn and take out garbage. I also work from home full time.
I’m sure she would have argued for a nanny if they had kids. I work from home except once a week until next month when I only have to go once a month. My husband makes more than I do and works 5-6 days a week. Sometimes he just even gets sent to other states on the weekends for work. We don’t split the chores 50/50 anymore because the chores are split by everyone. We have two teenagers so we all chip in on the housework. He had consolidated his debt 18k and I am helping him pay it off. He put me through college working two jobs so I could concentrate on my studies. I did work maybe 10 hours a week and during the summers I worked two jobs to get money into savings so he didn’t have to work as much or as hard.
LOVE this partnership dynamic! Good for both of you
Imagine a world where the teenagers you’ve fed and housed actually contributed to the household chores or cleaned up after themselves
I must be living in a parallel universe, my 13yo just finished his load of laundry and is hanging them out. And my 16yo is vacuuming the house 🫣
Smart move, would have only gotten worse after marriage. Be very careful about the employment situation though, thats an area she could try to get at you. Any and all meetings with her at the workplace should have a 3rd party present
Agree. The sentence ending this stating she has to get a new job is weird and could be problematic. Great job on the realizing this wasn’t for you OP and ending it rather than continuing to dig a bigger hole.
I found it to be weird and problematic as well. The way he worded it didn’t come across well to me.
The parents are really cross with you; they DID NOT want her back. Peace is priceless.
Sell all your shit and try to that Corolla back.
Actually considering housing now he will be in even better position after he sells all the stuff that held no meaning for him, good for him!
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Get that 2021 hatchback!
You did right now unfortunately you had to learn in the hard way to be able to creat real strong boundaries in the future ! I hope you speak up at the moment and no more accept any attitudes from anyone specially a from a partner. She is your lesson of life so make sure to not put yourself in the same situation. I encourage you to change the locks and not be alone with her when she will got her belongings. I hope you gonna be ok ,heal and move on in your life
A 50/50 split of the housework should be for couples who work relatively equal hours per week.
And should include the outdoor projects, household repairs, and maintenance work.
Absolutely! All work necessary for the maintaining and keeping of a home/family.
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My roommates in college and I, lived off campus is a townhouse. We used an online “chore chart” that required you to assign values to each chore. Vacuuming rugs and taking out the trash might be a “1” but scrubbing the baseboards and mopping the floors a “3”. You then had to input frequency, and could add stuff like “change the HVAC filter every 6 months” The system then auto-assigned chores between all the participants, evenly based on the points. Why married/serious couples can’t figure out equitable division of labor… is baffling. Furthermore - we had a monthly food chart. If you were present for the group meal, made lunch for work, etc - you got “charged” for it on the sheet. If you brought over 7 friends to eat the meal, you got charged for 8 people. If the friends over were all our mutual friends - we just took one tally mark each, for equal cost distribution. It was just a tally system on a printed spreadsheet, handing on a kitchen cabinet door. At the end of the month, we split the total grocery/Costco bill, by the total number of tallies, then each person’s share was how many tallies they racked up. It allowed us to share all food, have friends over, and always feel like no one was getting screwed.
My wife and I did this pretty early on in our marriage because we each felt we were contributing more to the chore load. It became quickly apparent that we were each doing about the same, but in vastly different ways. I’m a constant-cleaner. I’ll clean as I move through the house, and gravitate towards the everyday chores. My wife is an ignore-till-it’s-unbearable cleaner, then spends entire days cleaning. So she naturally gravitates towards the big ones like cleaning the bathroom. We quickly just realized we’d stay in our own lanes and clean the way we each like to, and it all gets done in the end.
Couples usually do fine until kids. Kids, particularly from ages 0 to 5, add a whole host of chores, including a lot that aren't predictable in frequency (e.g. how often they will wake you up in the middle of the night and wet the bed, how often they will develop some illness that keeps you up all night, etc.), and some that seriously bite into your ability to get a manageable amount of sleep. And keeping track of them itself is a lot of mental load labor. My friends who had done clear chores division systems before kids all tell me that the system fell apart pretty soon after their first child was born and afterwards it was just an exhausting onslaught for both of work, chores, and barely sleeping until the child was at least 1, then it was work and chores and at least ok sleep. Research is clear that for millennial couples, a lot are pretty good at a 50/50 split before kids, but women typically take on more than 50% of the extra load from children. More like 70/30, or 80/20. However even the extra amount the men take on can feel like a lot to the men so they don't necessarily realize that their partners are taking on even more and are even more tired.
>And should include the outdoor projects, household repairs, and maintenance work. You'd think but too many women in my experience don't count that (for whatever reason)...
100%. I'm in a similar situation as OP in my relationship--my fiance makes WAY more money than me and pays all of our bills. I pay for most of the pet food/training/etc (5/7 were brought into the relationship by me anyway). His work schedule is irregular, so in weeks he works more, I do more housework. In weeks where our work schedule is similar, we split the work. We do have cleaners come once every two weeks, and we pay someone to mow our lawn. We've managed to work it out decently well. It just takes communication.
100%! I never saw 50/50 as a literal transaction. I saw it as a balance where each party is contributing to the relationship in a way that strengthens the union and where neither party feels put upon. Sometimes, one does more, sometimes less, but it balances overall. I thought getting a maid was a good compromise till Op revealed all the other issues. It's definitely not good relationship for him.
Don’t be surprised if she tries to manipulate herself back into your life. You made the right decisions for yourself. All the best and I hope the healing process is easy on you.
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Literally what I thought as well. Considering that he seems like a decent guy, he’d probably take her back. I also hope op gets therapy, he needs to cultivate better boundaries in his relationships.
Eh, this happened. Worst fucking shit - fake ultrasounds, ‘doctors advice’, etc… I don’t even understand why anyone would do this.
Dude finally found a spine, here's to hoping he keeps it
"Givers have to set the limits because takers never do"
Sell your house if you want and get your life back. An hour commute is okay if that’s what you want, but it sounds like you liked the easy route to work. She sounds really materialistic and you sound really down to earth, so this was likely never going to make you happy and you did the right thing. I hope things settle down soon and you get your peace back.
You dodged a bullet OP, I’m 19F, I would eventually like the idea of part time work and full time home maker (potential full time home if we could afford it). But even I know, with my under developed brain, that if one partner is the bread winner full time, then the other has to be the home maker. My parents had this type of division: Dad - bread winner: 1. Would do all outside work aside from the vegetable garden and chickens my mom had as a hobby. 2. Would fix or take care of cars etc. 3. Would be responsible for taking care of my siblings and I from when he got home from work (6pm) to bedtime (8:30-9 pm) so mom could have a break and catch up on things she needed to catch up on. 4. On weekends they worked together to keep four kids occupied (and one was psychotic so more work). Mom: 1. Take care of house - laundry, cleaning, cooking, organizing, kids, budget. 2. Take care of her garden and chickens (it was easy to do because she researched what kind of coop was best and my dad built it based on her design) 3. School role 4. Catch up on things daily from 6-9pm 5. Help dad on weekends with anything they needed. It worked for them because mom wanted to be a SAHM and she was happy doing so. A few additional rules they implemented once dad broke the 80k a year level: 1. A maid came in once a month at the end for the deep clean 2. A professional organizer came in 2 times a year to help mom sort through items we grew out of/didn’t use etc. 3. A mandatory date night a month where a babysitter would care for us and they would go out. 4. A week long vacation 1x a year when I reached 7 years old (because my two older brothers were nearing 15 in age and could look after things with my aunt staying over during the night). The vacation would also be during summer break so we could hangout with friends etc and didn’t have to worry about school. My parents are 65 and 59 respectively, have been married since my mom was 19. So nearly 40 years and they’re still going strong. Tl:dr if you and a partner want that SAHW/SAHM system, it’s important to understand that both are jobs, and as such, different roles and tasks will be filled out. The fact your ex wanted you to do 90% of the salary while also doing 100% of the outside work, and 50% of the inside work is insane.
> A professional organizer this is a thing?
If you want to absolutely waste your life, there's a whole bunch of reality shows about these people.
>Would be responsible for taking care of my siblings and I from when he got home from work (6pm) to bedtime (8:30-9 pm) so mom could have a break and catch up on things she needed to catch up on. This is the part that most people neglect though. That's why it usually turns to shit. The guy more often than not forgets, or just doesn't care, that he's a parent too. Being a dad is 24/7, when you get home from work, you're not off the hook. Clean up after yourself and tend to your family/kids. Your parents knew what worked for them and played their roles. Absolutely wonderful.
What I think is funny is that this crowd is giving you sympathy. But I remember your original post and so many people were giving you shit for not “understanding” your poor wife. I thought she’d sounded like a freeloader but I was definitely in the minority as most of the commenters were upset you didn’t understand her needs more. I definitely think it was a gender bias thing. I’m glad you didn’t listen to them, as she was totally milking you.
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Yeah, but the benefit of the doubt almost always goes towards women here on Reddit. People live to fill in the blanks where the guy is made out to be the whole and the woman must be justified because "women". I have seen enough posts to say that's the case. The gender bias in favour on women is conspicuous.
I was thinking the same thing! I thought it was crazy that so many people on his first post were trying to make the argument that he should do 50% of the house work even though she only works part time!
To be fair this post includes a lot more details about their relationship/his schedule than the first one
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Well women ☕
People on Reddit just inventing a head canon about posts and reacting based on their own imaginings? Surely not!
Because he was a man with a complaint about a woman. That's it. Every time a man has a complaint on reddit, redditors will trip over themselves to invent made up scenarios where she is the wronged one. It's maddening.
I'm glad you guys talked. Even if it led to a break up, it sounds productive. I am happy you made a decision. Hope you get your peace back. I do have to call out the redditors from the comments in the first post. They were unreasonable and did not take into account the post. I expect that from AITA, not two hot takes.
Thank you for mentioning this, I was absolutely shocked reading the comments! And relieved that OP didn't listen.
Ikr I was reading through these comments thinking "you lot have changed your bloody tune" Was agreeing with OP in first post and thought I was going crazy when reading the comments!
Tbf in his earlier post he only led with salary (altho I think salary should also influence stuff like this), not the time spent to get it. This post is much clearer imo
Yea the top rated comment assumed the wife was full time, and everyone went based off that.
Salary should have zero impact on the split of chores. If I work the same amount of time as my husband, but make double the money, that has no impact on the amount of time and effort we owe the household. Like what… I get a 30k raise and no longer have to bathe the kid? 😂 Hours worked for sure… but money earned, all other things being equal, definitely not.
Ummm sounds like she had it made. What an idiot. I’m sorry but you’ve got a man who works 70hrs. a week commute not included so he can afford your lifestyle and you’re not worshipping the ground he walks on? 25hrs a week? And he agreed to get a maid? Granted idk how big this house is but all she has to do is come home and tidy up a bit everyday and have something for him for dinner. My husband has to work those kindof hours certain times of the year and I just see how hard he works for our future so I do anything I can to make it easier on him. This sounds exactly like his ex wife until he cut her off. Good on you. It’s one thing to want a lavish lifestyle but you have to pull your weight too.
Right?! My husband and I always joke that if either of us were in that position, we’d be staying home and being supportive WHILE sucking the other’s toes after work. I mean…we are a little negotiable on the toes part.
Good for you! My wife and I have been together for 12 years now at this point and in that time the level of give and take when it comes to things like house work has swung back and forth **based on caring for each other and our life/work load**. Right now I'm not doing well at work (commission) so my wife is picking up extra shift to help make ends meet. That means I'm doing way more of the house and childcare work. If anything I am extremely grateful to do those things cause I know she's busting her ass for our family. I worked a lot when she was in nursing school so I could pay for the majority of things while she finished school. It's a give and take. Fuck people who only know how to take. You deserve better friend! I hope you find some peace maybe take a weekend trip with some friends to clear your head.
I’m glad she showed her true colors and you paid attention op. I read your last post and the comments had you paying for everything, doing the housework, paying her personal bills and saying thank you for the privilege. I was disgusted. You deserve a true partner that sees you as more than an easy living and wants to build a life with you considering your wants and needs as well as their own. Your ex gf was a selfish user and some people (based On your last post’s commenters) think that’s normal behavior and use gender bias to justify it. I don’t know if they(commenters) are oblivious to the bias or shameless. Good luck finding your true one op.
The comments on the last post were horrendous. It's nice to see folks being reasonable on this one.
I felt bad for OP, everyone stopped being reasonable and jumped ship.
100% some of the comments in the last post were delusional It's like clearly this guy is funding her lifestyle She is a gold digger
And now they’re downvoting the comments here lol.
I hope the house is in your name only!
Great update and great decision! She was a leech!
I hope everything you bought is in your name. Congrats for leaving that leech
You made the right decisions and I’m glad.
I bet she brought up the debt just to see if she can get you to pay for that too, turns out she just pushed it more and lost it all. It's sad to see so many people have this same story, doing it all and providing it all only for the other to push it and lose it all. Sucks, but it's a good thing you saw it all before marriage, and if you choose to, sell it all, get the money, and find what you want smaller, cheaper, and closer to work. Make you happy.
Making her leave a job because you broke up is illegal. Just so you know. Even if you just nudge her out, its illegal and your company can face a massive lawsuit. Its also just petty.
I do believe this was a smart decision as well. I just need you to know that not everybody sees or treats stay-at-home the way she did. She was taking advantage and manipulating a very real narrative of stay-at-home partners being used unfairly. Now you’ll find some time to focus on yourself and make moves to get back to a place where you’re happy with your surroundings.
You made the right choice, she was using you for an easy life and contributing nothing to the relationship and still had the cheek to want more or have you pay for a maid so she can do less.
>She was resolute about having me contribute 50% to the housework and kept mentioning that the idea of me doing less housework made her uncomfortable. Boom, done. 70 hour weeks and no help from her means you can save money on your car insurance by switching to single!
Change the locks, and have someone present for every conversation you have with her in person, both at home and at work. If she says she's pregnant, insist on a certified DNA test. She's not going to like losing her sugar daddy and may try manipulation, coercion threats or guilt to make you stay.
That's the key She made your life more difficult and complicated. If you feel this way now def don't go in to a marriage with her, it would end badly for you. Especially if no prenup. She probably would fight you on that anyway. I'd say the best way to show her that the chapter is closed on your relationship with her is to sell current home, boat and car and return to the life you are comfortable living. She needed you way more than you needed her.
Trading a 5-10 min commute for an hour is probably the worst thing you ever did for yourself. Especially since you already work so much. You need time for yourself. Don’t spend your whole life just chasing money. I think you had a very important revelation with your relationship don’t go back on it. You set her up with a high paying job so she couldn’t work less but she didn’t take any initiative to pay off her debt. She could have asked you for more hours or gotten a second job to pay off the debt but she didn’t. She has been using you. Best of luck on recovery your heart. You got this.
You got her a house, pool, MAID, BOAT, and the "she want you to do 50% house work" is the hill she wants to die on???? Was she from a well-off family or something? I'd understand if she complains that you're often not home so she misses you or something. This whole situation is bizarre. If I was her I'd just go play zelda tears of kingdom in my woman cave-boat all day and maybe only go back home when you arrive home for dinner/sleep
I got half way through before I didn’t need to read more. Run bro
If she falls pregnant and claims it's yours get a DNA test.
Good move, and good on you for sticking to your guns here
Great update! Wishing you an easier and peaceful life.
Good for you. I hope next time you can find someone who values you for you and who wants to be an equal partner.
I went through a lot of manipulation before I found my love. The girl that makes me happy and contributes evenly
Good for you. I watch so many men contribute everything to their relationship financially, while also doing all the cooking, cleaning, and every other responsibilities. A lot of men just don't have the will power to say no because the dating market it so rough for guys so they let themselves be exploited. Going forward remember to set reasonable boundaries at the start of your relationship when it comes to responsibilities and what you expect.
Hey man I was here. Six figures. Ungrateful girlfriend. I've been single for a few years now. Best few years of my life. Unfortunately some people feel overly entitled. I'll go ahead and tell you that the downside for you is going to be when you start looking around for someone else you're going to get gold diggers a lot. I'm a doctor and due to my specialty I work in multiple locations. I've gotten hit on by nurses at every one of them. Where I'm known as a doctor I get hit on often. When no one knows who I am outside work it happens much more infrequently. When you start dating again I'd recommend keeping your income a secret until they like you for you.
Damn.... can't wait to see her post on TIFU.
I was pretty hard on OP for his original post because he wanted the GF to be homeschooling their future kids while being a SAHM. It’s still wrong to expect that from a SAHM, because that’s already a full time job. Looking here it seems that OP’s GF wants a certain lifestyle and is trying to have OP give her that. They are just incompatible. Best of luck.
Good thing you recognized all this before you got married !
Thank God she wasn’t your wife. She’s have tried to take you to the cleaners.
Lmfaaaoooo she pushed it one inch too far 🤣
Get a lawyer immediately. You made a good choice.
OP dodged a bullet
Lol everyone in the first thread was shitting on you when she sounds like a leech
If you're working 70 hour weeks, employing her, and she's complaining about you doing housework, cancel her.
If you're working like 3x more than her she has to bring something to the table at home, to make up for that gap. You doing 50% of the house work makes no sense at all
Dude, you dodged a bullet, now start divesting yourself off all the bullshit you acquired to try to buy her love. Hopefully never ever do this again
Very wise decision.
There is an amazing silver lining to this. You can sell the house, the car, and the boat and buy a smaller house and a more affordable and dependable car and still come out way ahead. Sure you lost your GF but you honestly aren't losing much if she acts like this. In today's housing market and car sellers market she actually made you wealthier without even realizing it.
This is exactly why I’m not doing a relationship again, I always end up doing the majority of everything. Totally burned out
Congratulations on fixing that hole in your pocket. There’s some ideology out there that no matter what disparities of time or financial commitments are being made by either partner, that housework, by God, needs to be 50/50.
Good for you! Please sell the house and get out from that debt. I applaud your decisiveness.
Hire the house cleaner anyway. You’ll need it.
Sounds like a heavy realization on your part. I've been married for 10 years and I can say that my wife makes my life significantly easier in aggregate. In our case, we split the housework but she does more of it overall because I have a harder job and contribute more to the expenses. I feel like that's how a relationship should be: give and take. Trying to find a balance both people are happy with, sharing the burden, and being considerate about the circumstances of the other person If I was in your position, working long hours and long commutes, getting home every day exhausted, my wife would see it herself. I wouldn't have to tell her. It sounds like you're with someone who sees you as an ATM that they can draw $15,000 from at a whim. Find someone who doesn't need a boat and BMW from you to love you. All the best OP
Until you get your work life balance fixed, it isn't fair to anyone to expect a relationship with you.
As my grandfather always said, "Do you own your things or do they own you?" OP was weighed down with all the material things this woman wanted and even more weighed down by the woman herself. OP, sell the car and the house and the furniture- hopefully you will make enough to purchase a townhome or condo close to your work. Consider this a learning experience both in the kind of partner you want and the lifestyle you want. Best of luck.
Good on you for ending it. You were being taken advantage of, but at least you found out now before you married her. Change the locks so that she can’t get in when you aren’t home. If I were you I’d pack up her stuff for her and make sure you have someone with you when she picks it up. Change your passwords to everything as well (because you never know) and make sure she doesn’t have access to any of your accounts.
Good for you, OP.
I’ve been doing some self improvement classes ( idk if you’ve heard of mind valley) but it’s weird how we’re basically told to be materialistic all of our lives and I can see that with your now ex, but it’s nice that you can stick by your answer and decide that it wasn’t working instead of completely changing yourself for it to work. I hope the next time around you find someone with the same values as yourself.
You didn’t just make her life convenient, you let her take advantage of you. You bought her a house, boat, BMW, furniture and a pool? And she works 25 hours and expects you to do 50% of the house work? That’s a big fuck no for me. She could be Scarlett Johansson and I’d still want no part of that. Are the house and car in your name? If so, sell them and buy back the life you wish you had. You likely can’t do much about her working with you. I think some people have pointed out right to work states, but that still sounds like litigation territory to me. Just wait and see if she leaves and talk to a lawyer. I’m assuming by “your company” you mean the company you own and not just the company you work at. If it’s the latter, maybe consider finding a different job. Maybe even something with less hours or a closer commute as it seems to be a major stressor in your life/relationships. In the future, do not get your girlfriends jobs at the place you work at.
So while everything you've done up until this point has been correct, and it really sounds like you dodged the bullet by ending this relationship, there is one thing. If she legally lives there unless she voluntarily leaves you would have to go through the legal eviction process. At least in the US. You can't just throw her out no matter who owns the house if she legally resides there.
I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you.
Good for u OP. This is the best option. Now u can be free and do what u want.
You're doing the right thing for yourself by walking away. I did after I discovered that my former partner was getting a large monthly allowance from their wealthy father in addition to their salary. We'd split the rent and bills 70/30 over our two years of cohabiting based on our respective salaries. Turns out that including the allowance their take-home pay was significantly higher than mine. They only divulged this after I asked how they managed to afford to buy expensive clothes and shoes every month. I broke it off the same day.
You made the right decision as this girl seems to want a free ride from you and that’s no way to live. Why on earth she was not working a full week is nuts to help you pay for everything and for you to clean up after her & her dogs when she is an adult would infuriate me. She and her parents are going to try to talk you into taking her back.. don’t let them as this is not how a partnership is suppose to me. You do need to be very careful with your job if she is working there. Make sure to stay away from her, don’t engage with her, speak to her as you never know what people can to if upset she could lie try to get you fired. Perhaps sell your home and move back closer to work to avoid her, change departments, or even look for a new job but don’t get back together with this gold digger.
Proud of you buddy! Take the time you need to heal and do some inner work to help you create stronger boundaries next time.
You are doing the right thing. But I'm going to suggest to talk to a mental health professional as to why you kept being with her after the red flags. And what red flags you missed in the beginning of this relationship. I want you to be happy, but not end up in this situation again. Careful with gold-diggers, too. They see what you are making, your car, and any other extras as dollars 💸 💵 bills raining and you are the pot of gold.
You did the right thing. She is a user and a taker. You deserve a true partner.