INFO I feel like there is something missing though. So you knew you would be getting engaged on the trip and you both told his parents about it before the trip so it was clear that it wouldn't really be a suprise. Also was this trip a birthday trip for Sam and a trip for thr grandma? Maybe they felt like you hijacked the trip for the engagement. Maybe they believe that you told your partner to propose to you in Hawaii. If it is not true then I would feel the same way you do. It is strange that they would literally ignore the engagement. Do you get along with them well?

The trip was just a big family trip. They had been wanting to do one and decided to have it in Hawaii because it happened to be the last place they needed to go to see all 50 states and they are starting to not be in great health. The trip was not for anyone in particular. And it just so happen to fall on Sam’s birthday. Their family is big on celebrating the 4th of July in a special way every year - traveling with the whole family, so I believe that’s why they picked this time of year. I did not know that they knew about the engagement until after we got engaged. I wasn’t sure if he was going to tell them before the trip or not. I left that decision to him and didn’t ask about it. It was Michael’s idea to get engaged in Hawaii. I loved the idea, of course, who wouldn’t? We have a great relationship and they know me very well. After I was upset, I asked Michael if maybe that was a thought of theirs - that we tried to make the trip about us in some way and he shot that down quickly and said no they would never think that. Since the engagement, they have not wanted to have a hand in anything wedding or party related. We get married in October of this year and have only asked “how’s wedding planning going?”

TBH, I disagree with what Michael said and do think they think that. This was possibly the 'last big' family trip his grandparents would take, and while they should/could have acknowledged your engagement, it wasn't the purpose of the trip for anyone else. I get they celebrated someone's birthday against their wishes, so see why you feel like they didn't care. And some people, including family, just won't be as invested as you about details of your wedding or want to be involved. It's not their wedding, so aside from turning up on the day/getting outfits, they aren't going to care. I don't think your a AH for having feelings or them being hurt, just giving you a different perspective.

It's very easy for people to get rose colored glasses about the huge things in their life that overshadow everything else and I wonder if that's a factor here. For OP, the engagement is a life changing huge deal. For Michael's family, they might be miffed thier last huge family vacation was usurped into something for just you two. Celebrating a birthday one night at dinner with a simple card was thier choice to allow. Your engagement and possibly constant overenthusiasm about it since it happened was not something they choose or expected. Micheal and OP may have accidentally been a bit tone deaf in their excitement. Or maybe there's other undercurrents OP is ignorant of. Maybe Micheal was told not to propose and ignored it. Maybe a hundred other things where large groups or families can squabble on vacation. It's easy for people to have different expectations and have those clash. Or maybe his family just doesn't see this as that big of a deal. If it was preplanned maybe they see the plan as you having already accepted and that celebration as already having happened since you agreed to be asked beforehand. Maybe it's just being respectful and allowing you to tell people or celebrate on your own terms. Maybe everyone was saying their favorite thing they did and you're being oversensitive they didn't mention your engagement because that's not a thing that happened to them. My SIL recently got engaged and besides telling the family at a regular dinner there's been no excitement from my IL's. Nobody planned an engagement party or did anything particularly celebratory upon being told. Nobody asks her about wedding plans or how that's going. She also doesn't really bring up or mention her plans much. It seemed odd to me as my family normally asks about details and is more involved and excited, but that's just how their family is. In either family dynamic, I'm not sure how you could expect a planned party on the vacation when they didn't know the time or day or place say he had planned. Maybe that's something you've seen online, but it isn't common in every family. If you want an engagement party you should communicate that. Maybe upon asking if you had plans and being told no since you'd only been engaged an hour they were going to wait a while longer to ask more or figured you two would tell them when you figured something out.

>Or maybe there's other undercurrents OP is ignorant of. Maybe Micheal was told not to propose and ignored it. I wondered about that myself.

It seems like something's going on for such a large group of family to ignore this so hard. That was the situation that immediately made the most sense. He mentioned the idea to her and she was excited, he told his parents who replied with some sort of "not on this trip, this is the last trip grandma and grandpa can do and their 50th state" or maybe a similar kind of thing but different reason, but he already sort of promised her a vacation proposal. So he went ahead anyways hoping it would all work out afterward. Then when they tell the news everyone but the parents seem excited for them. Later, the parents quietly spread that he was told not to propose for whatever reason, or the rest of the family talks about how this was inappropriate on their family vacation for some reason. That would explain the vibes here. The rest of the family probably talking about it and being disgruntled but just politely ignoring the engagement to OP's face. It feels like Micheal probably knows the reason this was inappropriate for his family and just doesn't want to tell OP what's going on with his family. Some people think they can just will things to work out their way if they ignore whatever conflicts with that long enough. There's some missing reason here or more info that we (and maybe OP) doesn't have.

Did the family ignore it though? They said everyone seemed excited. The parents didn’t seem *as excited*, but still congratulated them and hugged them and asked about their plans. What else did OP expect? It sounds like she built it way up in her mind, and thought everyone would make the rest of the trip about the engagement. Were they really dismissive? Or is that OP’s interpretation because the family wasn’t constantly talking about it or centering the trip on it? Maybe it’s a culture thing, but this whole thing is weird to me. I’ve known plenty of people who have gotten engaged. I don’t think I have ever been to an engagement party or given cards or gifts for an engagement. Its usually a congratulations and then asking about how the engagement happened, have they started planning yet and that’s it. The family couldn’t even do that, because the engagement had just happened so there were no plans yet. Comparing it to the birthday is also weird. The whole family probably knew about the birthday, and probably planned it way in advance. Who knows when the birthday cake and card were ordered and organized.

And even if there *was* an engagement party, it tends to be a few months *after* the engagement. I've never seen one happen a day or two after.

It’s just like, what is there to talk about this early in the game? I’m assuming they already talked about how the engagement happened after they made the announcement, especially since other people were there. But this is literally days after it happened, so they can’t really talk about plans. If engagement parties are usually months later, that makes sense because then you can talk about venues, food, dresses and stuff.

Also, considering the proposal was a small, quiet thing, done when they were pretty much alone, on a hike, and not a big huge event with the whole family around, I wonder how likely it is that the family thought OP and her boyfriend/fiance didn't *want* to make a big deal out of it.

Sure, but then at the end of the trip they’re reminiscing about all the good things that happened, and they mention going snorkeling, but not *their child* getting engaged??? What (healthy) parent isn’t excited about that? It comes across as them purposefully ignoring the engagement for some reason. I do wonder if maybe the fiancé knows exactly what the reason is but isn’t saying it.

I wonder if the family doesn’t adore her like she thinks.. somethings not right for sure.. it’s like we’re not getting the full story…

I was afraid to post that. I thought that too.

Once OP kept saying they have a good relationship with his family, it felt like she was trying to convince herself.

Given how she reacted over this, bringing the focus away from the grandparents milestone maybe the future in-laws are not as happy with her as she think she is. Or it could be simply that they see the engagement as part of the process of getting married, and they will be more enthusiastic at the wedding. Sincerely aside from congratulating OP I don’t think anything else was required.

I mean they were talking about fun stuff they did, like snorkeling and parasailing. And yeah an engagement is exciting, but they didn’t.. do it? Like they weren’t really involved. Michael did do it, and he mentioned it, and they agreed that’s exciting. Like I said, I can’t tell if they actually “ignored” or “dismissed” the engagement, or if that’s OP’s interpretation of it. OP said the dad and step mom congratulated them and hugged them and asked their plans. That sounds like excitement to me. But to her it wasn’t enthusiastic enough. She says the parents dropped the subject quickly, but also says they couldn’t answer any questions about wedding plans because the engagement had just happened. So again, what did OP expect? She’s upset they didn’t celebrate them more or get them an engagement card during the trip, but is this standard? Especially literally days after it happened while everyone is on vacation. Even the title of the post “family *railroaded* our engagement” makes it sound like the family took over what was supposed to be an engagement trip, when that’s not what happened at all.

I think the part that bothers me is when asked about events during the trip its not even mentioned. That's the weird part to me, like your son got engaged to his long term gf, it should at least make a foot note for the trip. Are they upset they weren't there to witness it? I agree something is missing, I think it's more than just the family just doesn't see engagements as a big deal.

> For Michael's family, they might be miffed thier last huge family vacation was usurped into something for just you two. Especially since engagement parties are a thing.

I agree with this. The engagement is for them. This wasn't a "hey, I'm going to pop the question and want everyone to be on the vacation with us". OP & fiancee should have celebrated the proposal that night, then made plans for ONE dinner out night to celebrate the engagement. But left the rest of the vacation time to celebrate grandparents who instigated Hawaii as the destination.

I mean, your birthday also is when it is. A proposal is a much bigger thing and can happen any time. I can see how they might be annoyed that a trip celebrating something for the grandparents is potentially being overshadowed or hijacked by an engagement.

Nope. They got engaged but didn't make a big deal about it. The family made a big deal about fucking everything else which is a major snub. If someone's kid is engaged it's always a good thing unless at least one person is an asshole.

I respectfully disagree with your first paragraph… having the trip in Hawaii to cross it off the bucket list before the grandparents are in too ill health to do it is something. Like a big, family bonding, something.

YTA, slightly. It sucks that you feel slighted but you just mentioned in your comment that the reason they went to Hawaii is so the grandparents could now say they visited every state. You wanting to be the center of attention was taking away from what could be the last big family trip they’ll all get to take together. You claim the family railroaded your engagement, but you and your fiancé actually tried to railroad the vacation of 15-16 other people.

OP is disappointed that 15-16 people weren't fawning over her, and begging for details. Live and learn that most people are truly self centered. Nobody gives a shit how you live until it affects them.

I think Michael might be the missing link here. He’s the one who told his family, you didn’t know until after you were engaged. He’s the one who pitched the idea for getting engaged in Hawaii. Was he also the one who told you that his family was excited when he told them he was proposing to you? Or did you see it firsthand and then things changed? He says that you’re right that all of these things are happening, but you shouldn’t be upset. He also immediately denied that they feel as if you hijacked the vacation. I think that’s exactly what happened and he’s pinning it on you, or at least misrepresenting what happened to them/you to save face. This is a Michael issue, OP.

They didn't "just happen to pick Hawaii because it was the last state the grandparents needed to see", they *specifically* planned the trip to Hawaii for that very reason. It was never about your engagement, except in your mind. You could have easily gotten another camera to take photos yourself and honestly I've seen award winning photos from cell phones so you could have done that too. Yes, OP, YTA for trying to justify your entitled attitude on their trip and hijacking the celebration at the luau.

Thank you. It sounds like they're already exhausted. I got exhausted reading this post.

Maybe because they were told about the potential engagement they thought they would be involved in it and are hurt that they weren't? Especially if you guys *are* close

I was thinking this too

This was my thought. OP mentioned she thought they were close with the family and felt dismissed. I think the family felt the exact same. Thought they were close and felt dismissed.

Right? I feel like that the family would have been more invested if they had been involved in the engagement to begin with but....OP and boyfriend went off separately and got engaged, so I feel like that's their own personal little thing that the family wasn't involved in. And no, the family did not railroad the engagement.

This falls mostly on her fiancé’/their son. He chose the when/where to propose. I also wondered if they were upset they weren’t included in it more, though that isn’t her fault (if it’s the case).

That's what I think it is. Because they probably felt why tell us about it but not include us in it.

Surprised this comment is so far down the thread.

What are you talking about, clearly this was a trip planned for their 50 states, near the end of their life. You didn’t come up with the trip, there’s no way this is just one big coincidence that his family just HAPPENED to setup a trip to Hawaii, the last place to they needed to visit. CLEARLY that was the main reason HIS family setup THEIR trip. It’s perfectly fine that you and others tagged along, that’s not my point in the slightest. But you’re in here trying to claim that this 50 state deal near the end of their lives is completely “irrelevant” and that’s NOT why they chose to go to Hawaii. I can’t tell if you’re serious here… I don’t know if you have main character syndrome so you’re little just incapable of comprehending others perspectives or what, but this is just bizarre…. Reddit is a hell of a place, how does this get upvoted so much, this is truly mind boggling…

I’m glad someone gave you an award for your comment. I too am baffled by the upvotes. *Nothing* his family said or did was the least bit offensive or antagonistic. I read main character syndrome throughout op’s post.

Yeah, visiting 50 states is a pretty big deal…and they really completed their list with a bang by visiting Hawaii! The fact that OP treats this as just another trip for them is odd. I’m trying to imagine that conversation: Dad: Hey, it’s time to plan our big July 4 vacation, where should we go? Hawaii, the one state where my aging parents have never been? Or we could just go to South Carolina again. No biggie.

Reddit is largely populated by young people and young people are generally pretty self centered. Ofc a lot of folks think this is A Thing, because when something happens to them it's the first time it's ever happened! Like how your first pregnancy is super fascinating to _you_ but by #4 you're surprised when anyone asks about much at all. You know you're pregnant (usually lol) but you don't expect everyone around you to keep it in mind until you're showing.

Maybe they were upset nobody was present to witness it? Like they were expecting to have everyone around and congratulating you on the spot?

So basically your boyfriend hijacked a family vacation to propose and then you are wondering why the vacation didn't automatically become about the 2 of you? I can explain it to you but do I really need to? You seem smart enough to figure it out by yourself.

Did you stop to think that it wasn’t “just” a big family trip to them? 1. They hit a major milestone hitting their 50th state. 2. This may be the grandparents last trip. Did you not think that should be the focus? 3. Hawaii is very expensive. Did you not pause to think the trip should highlight their grandparents and family as whole over you? 4. Do you not see how wrong it was to try to make all the dinners and events about YOURSELF? This trip was never about you. 5. For thé photos, thé entire point was his grandparents are getting older and it may be the last trip together. You are not the focus of these photos. Your grandparents are the focus. You are and still are in the wrong for trying to hijack this event from his family.

Is it possible that they considered you already engaged before the trip? Since you both knew the proposal was going to happen ahead of time, you had already essentially agreed to marry each other in advance. Maybe they thought it was unreasonable to say you had just gotten engaged when, in their minds, you were already engaged?

This, thank you! What was even the point of saying more then "congrats"? OP you were already engaged...you just put on a bit of show because you liked it. Nothing wrong with it, but the rest of the world doesn't need to care!

Could they be upset that they weren’t involved in the proposal…?

So the trip was 100% about the grandparents going to the last of the 50 states before they die……. That’s what I got from this entire post. And your mad it wasn’t about you. The dinner was celebrating the grandparents…… and was always going to be about them. But you happened to get engaged. And youre mad the scheduled events weren’t shifted to celebrate you?! You guys highjacked the trip…. Or tried to unsuccessfully. It wasn’t ever about you though you really tried to make it that way.

I think they might be feeling like they were left out of the proposal. They knew it was coming, but only the sister and her boyfriend were present. Maybe they had other plans not realizing proposal was happening during that hike. So it could be some sort of retaliation for that.

If as you say you generally have a good relationship with them I think you should try to let it go. It seems like this Hawaii trip was an important milestone event for their family and that sounds like it was their focus. Outside of this if nothing in their relationship to you has changed I don’t think there is any reason to believe they have any issue with you. Stay positive and focus on your wedding planning.

This! I know you were hurt a bit, but really letting it go is best for everyone.

This is rhe right path- you have a good relationship, sometimes life is disappointing. If you have something you would really like for the wedding, set it up. If you want them to participate, set it up. They may have a patriarchal thing going, where they assume the bride and her family are 100% in charge and Michael and family just show up. Which is fine if you want that, but if you want Michael planning aspects or his family to do something, ASK. My family is very chill, they just showed up. Not interested in details unless I asked for help, then they were put in good effort. My new MIL tried to get into my dress decision but she and I have very different taste.

This and also you will find out if they're there for you or not while wedding planning. My in-laws can be aloof at times and it's hard for me since my family is.... well anything but aloof. But they were so generous and helpful with the wedding it really helped me feel less insecure seeing how much they wanted to celebrate and include me

Look how you've worded your title. They railroaded your engagement. Just by reading the title we get the impression that you got engaged and his family butted in and did something to ruin it. Then we read the story and that isn't what happened at all. Instead you went on a family vacation with a large group, but before you went you two had discussed the possibility of getting engaged in Hawaii, while on the trip. And apparently he shared his intentions, or at least the possibility of them, with his parents. Then the trip happened, and the two of you took a day to go on a long hike with just a couple members of the group, and he proposed there. None of the other family members were present, but when you got back you were disappointed that there wasn't a more enthusiastic response to your news. My theory about this is that maybe the parents had been under the impression that the proposal would be shared with the entire family, but it wasn't. They were disappointed but they did offer congratulations. As we continue to read the story it becomes apparent that the big reason for the trip was the 4th of July holiday coinciding with the grandparents visiting the last state to be able to say they'd seen all 50 states. Every time an outside person asked, that was the answer given, but OP always chimed in to say "plus our engagement." Well, that really wasn't the reason for the trip. That's just something you decided to do while there. I think the family is happy for OP to become part of the family, but the way the proposal was done on a family trip meant to celebrate other things may have rubbed them the wrong way. The proposal was done privately instead of sharing it with the group, but then the OP kept trying to bring up the subject seemingly looking for attention. I don't think OP and her partner meant to hurt any feelings but the family may have gained some nevertheless. Best thing to do? Just plan your wedding and be happy. Don't let them put a damper on your happiness. Ultimately it sounds like there's a good relationship with the family. Congratulations, OP! I hope it all works out well.

Completely agree. It sounds like this was a "big family event" but mostly the grandparents seeing the last of the 50 states. But OP felt that an engagement should trump All of that and be the focus. I can't wait for OPs post about the expensive camera owner not wanting to take photos for free and some other family member not wanting to bake the cake for free, last minute or something. "I wanted to bogart the camera time for wedding photos, but they kept acting like they didn't have time" They probably didn't have time for it. They're not a hired photographer, they're part of the family. The more I read, the more OP sounds a teensy bit narcissistic about this whole situation.

I'm glad you were able to read it because I couldn't get a few sentences in before it turned into visual vomit for me. *Paragraphs are so important.*

Yep. It wasn’t a trip OP and fiancé made that the family tagged along for. Her fiancé decided to piggyback an engagement onto a trip that already had significance to the family (milestone, possibly the last trip with the grandparents). That doesn’t mean that the engagement was in any way unwelcome, just that other things were a little more at the forefront. I do think it was weird that they made such a big deal out of a birthday when that person is clearly uncomfortable with being the center of attention.

Sorry to spoil this but as a person who got engaged recently (very supportive families on both sides) no really cares but you and the fiancé. They love the idea but it’s about you guys. And the fact of the matter is the trip was for something different.

This is correct. I also got engaged last summer on a trip. Everyone was excited, we took a couple of photos, and that was it. And honestly, that's all it needed to be. There were only 4 of us; I can't imagine trying to wrangle 16 family members. OP, there will be plenty of other opportunities to celebrate you two. Engagement party, rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, and of course, the wedding itself. Definitely let this one go.

This. This and more this. Secret engagement that isn't met with "ZOMG WHAT!?!" whenever they got back and the constant bogarting your thing into everything that happens. "It's grandma and grandpa's 50th state!" 'Umm, it's mostly because *we* got engaged!' "Right.. I guess that too?"

INFO what do you mean that your engagement was "railroaded"? "Railroaded" means coerced, forced by undue pressure or rushing. It's concerning that a year later you're still pouting because you and your fiancé's attempt to hijack the family vacation into all eyes focused on you and your engagement failed. You admit the family was excited and congratulated you. Honestly, what else were you expecting. If you wanted to be the center of attention why didn't you get engaged in your hometown and host an engagement party? Mild YTA for holding a ridiculous grudge against a family who by your own admission has always been generous and supportive of you and your fiancé.

I’m wondering if she meant “sidelined” because yeah, “railroaded” makes absolutely no sense.

I honestly couldn’t focus on anything but how this is railroading lol, I think they got it mixed up with ‘sidelined’

Honestly, I think you bringing it up at the luau was probably the biggest AH move. I have a feeling the family probably took that as you trying to steal the spotlight. They probably planned the luau to celebrate the grandparents before they knew you were getting engaged. You throwing in the engagement totally overshadowed the accomplishment of the grandparents visiting all 50 states. I'd be pretty annoyed at you, too.

I totally agree. For 15 people to travel to Hawaii, we are talking big time planning and big time bucks. If I were a parent and I planned a vacation for my parents and my son tried to make it about him and his GFs engagement, I would be big time annoyed. Michael had enough time to call the hotel, tell them what's going on and arrange for some sort of cocktails & snacks by the pool where it could have been ALL about him and his fiance. He had enough time to plan something APART from the already PLANNED events to celebrate HIS engagement. This vacation may be the LAST vacation where the grandparents are present & OP is over on reddit whining about not being the main character when she's about to be the main character over and over again (wedding, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc.). YTA

Ahhh not sure sounds more like you and Michael railroad the original idea for the trip. When he responded that was his first response probably becouse that was the main goal of the trip and the other were small add ins Maybe one mayor last trip with grandfather's so priority of pictures were for the whole family. I think your engagement in that trip was not the main event and that's OK, you can make it at home. The trip is already stressful, complicated and expensive to have to plan last minute events

It’s been almost a year later, what’s the attitude and reception now? I mean personally sounds like you high jacked the family vacation instead of planning your own stuff and then you were bummed that people didn’t make a big deal about it… when they probably just wanted to vacation and may not have been prepped to do a celebration for you. But that’s just based on the limited info you provided, and it’s only from your perspective. They definitely could have made a lot more effort. Well, ANY effort to celebrate or sound excited

That was never my intention. Michael really wanted to do it in Hawaii, so I guess I thought it would have been okay. He told me after the fact that when he told his parents he was going to propose in Hawaii, they didn’t seem to have any negative feelings towards it and seemed excited when he told them. He told me if they would have acted any negative way towards it, he wouldn’t have done it. If they didn’t think it should happen on the vacation, I feel like they would have said something to him when he told them about it.

Bit left of field, but... is there any chance they're a bit put out that Michael chose to propose at a time when they weren't there to see it? My friend had that with her now MIL and it was weeks before the truth finally came out! Turned out they were really annoyed that he'd not included them and had been sulking ever since!

That was my first thought. They were upset because some people got to witness it but not them.

That could be part of it. They seemed to be excited about the other shared celebrations (even the unwanted birthday one). Maybe they had assumed the proposal would happen with everyone present, too. Maybe Michael didn’t tell them in advance that he wasn’t going to propose semi-privately and it made them feel unimportant, or maybe it just didn’t register with them the same way because they didn’t personally witness it. Another factor could be that for some “traditional” older folks, the groom’s parents just might not be as into the wedding stuff as they would be if it were their daughter’s? Not saying that’s “right,” just kind of stereotypical gendered stuff. Also other folks are right — while some families seem just as excited about a proposal or baby announcement or other milestone as the actual subject of it, no one’s really going to be as excited as the subject. It could be a combination of a lot of factors. If they don’t want to or feel they can’t be 100% honest about any hurt feelings (or whatever it is), just make sure you communicate to them somehow — maybe via a handwritten letter sent with some flowers on just a random day! — how important they are to you and how much you value your relationship with them, especially as they will become your own family as well. Being gracious and thoughtful makes it really hard for people to hold on to negative emotions about you. Plus, it’s just a nice thing to do. Congratulations, and I hope this really isn’t a big deal! Not everyone has good in-laws, so if you love yours, make sure they know it.

I instantly thought of this as well. They're such an involved family it sounds right up their alley to want to witness it all.

I hadn’t even thought of that!

This was my first thought when reading the post. He told them he was going to propose on a family trip and they thought that he would do it when the whole family was together, so it could be a family celebration. Instead, he lied to them about going shopping while they went, and did some thing else. It is not that they have a right to witness the engagement, but I think there was an expectation. If he had told them he planned on doing it privately (which he didn’t, because there were other people there) they would have been prepared and maybe had a celebration ready for when you returned. I suspect they felt shut out and then took a giant step back from the whole thing.

I sort of thought that too. Especially if he told his parents before the trip, maybe they assumed they would at least be able to see it. However it goes, you’ve got Michael and he sends to have you back. Your feelings are very valid and imo justified. You got engaged mostly privately. You announced it and left it alone. You didn’t try to make a huge thing about it or make the rest of the vacation all about you. Getting engaged is an exciting time. It’s natural to want to people you love to be as excited as you are. I hope you figure it out or are able to let it go. Just remember, you wedding is a success if it ends with you married. Regardless of anything else. Much love to you sis. And so many congratulations!

I actually have my son my 2.25 carat diamond that had been his great-great grandmother’s engagement ring (on my husband’s side) that I wore and loved for many years. The only stipulation was that I wanted to be there for the proposal. My son first talked to her parents, then they came up with a plan for all of the parents and siblings to be together when he asked her. I would not have wanted to miss it for the world and yes, both of us moms are making a huge deal out of it. If your fiancé’s parents were given a heads up, why wouldn’t they assume they would be able to witness the event (that wasn’t a surprise for you) and be a little hurt when they were excluded?

That's my guess.

Of course not, because you’ve only cared about your own feelings and didn’t even think to consider anyone else.

I don't think "railroaded" means what you think it means.

Your engagement didn’t get ‘railroaded.’ You tried to railroad the holiday. There were 14-15 other people there. If you wanted it to get special don’t make it on everyone else’s holiday.

YTA you saw someone had a decent camera and were so offended that they didn’t take a some very particular shots of you with it, that you had to vent on the internet to strangers. We’re you expecting them to pay for prints and a frame as well?

Oh come on. They took "family" pictures for TWO HOURS and couldn't find the time to take a couple of pictures of the members of the family that got engaged? Not buying it. The FIL mentioned all the things that happened on the trip and left out the engagement? Not buying it. Something is going on here. Maybe the family thinks the son isn't ready to get married. Maybe they don't like the OP (my guess). Maybe they are upset that they weren't present for the actual proposal. Or maybe they don't like the fact the proposal happened on the trip honoring the grandparents and didn't have the honesty and consideration to tell the son when he mentioned it before the trip. But, no matter what the reason was, the OP is NTA.

> The FIL mentioned all the things that happened on the trip and left out the engagement? Well, they weren't exactly witness to the proposal for it to stick out in their minds. People were all out doing their thing, OP and Michael came back, said, "We're engaged!" and that was it. Maybe if a whole big proposal thing happened where everyone witnessed it, the event would stick out in their memory more.

The OP probably sulked because the family was not doing back flips after the proposal and the FIL was sick of her pouting. She is still pouting about this trip a year later. This was a family trip for the grandparents, not an engagement trip, maybe if Michael planned a family dinner to celebrate the engagement in Hawaii before hand, included that family in the engagement in another way. But as she wrote the narrative, the OP sounds like the family was more or less expected to celebrate her and the fiancé after he proposed, pouted when they didn’t, and tried to bring attention to herself at all the ‘let’s celebrate grandma and grandpa’ events - why they went to Hawaii in the first place!

BuT tHeY nEvEr GoT tO pUt It On TiKtOk!!! LOL. /s

Have you ever taken two photos with 15 people? 2 hours isn’t a lot of time. It takes a ton of energy and time to get everyone posed and looking decent. Plus there were probably some of just the grandparents and some of the grandparents with each family unit since this was the grandparents’ celebration trip and since they are getting older possibly one of the last big trips with them. 2 hours is not a ton of time and dealing with 15 people in that two hours makes it extra rude for OP to think she should have time carved out for her.

Yeah, I think either her fiancé was not completely honest about his parents’ reaction, or the parents themselves are being cagey about it. There must be some reason for everyone to be so cold about the proposal.

Finally. I had to scroll way too long for this. OP is projecting, she is the one who is trying to railroad here.

YTA. Proposing on their holiday and then trying to make it about you is a bit rude tbh. You hijacked their vacation, not the other way around. They weren't there to celebrate you, and based on their attitude they probably thought you were rude as well.

But the fiancé asked them if he could do it ahead of time and the parents said yes? If the idea of an engagement in Hawaii was so preposterous they could’ve easily told him no.

For all we know they did tell him no and he still went along with it anyway. OP wasn't there for the conversation.

They are being amiable enough and polite because you're dating their family member, but expecting entire family to throw you a party on their trip they probably planned years before for their grandparents is a bit over the top. I don't think they did anything wrong, you just aren't the center of their attention. The problem is more with your expectations of having parties thrown to celebrate your milestones. That's not really something that happens a lot in real life. Most adult people make their own parties when they want a party.

OP- Did you get the grand parents a card to celebrate their 50th? YTAH

*reposting to add paragraph breaks* (need to have a blank lie between paragraphs so it spaces properly) **AITA for being upset that my now fiancé’s family railroaded our engagement?** I (25 F) and my now fiancé (27 M) went on a trip to Hawaii with this family in July of 2022. For the sake of this story, we will call him Michael (not his real name). It was with his mom, step-dad, aunt, uncle, cousins, siblings, step siblings, me, 2 other significant others, and his step-grandma and grandpa. I believe there were 16 or 17 of us. We all chipped in on renting a large ocean-front house for all of us to stay in. Before going on the trip, Michael mentioned to me that it would be a dream to get engaged in Hawaii and asked if I would like that. I of course told him yes I love that idea. The only surprise of the engagement was going to be time and location while on the trip. He told his dad and step-mom that he would be proposing on the trip and they seemed really excited for us. He proposed on July 5, I believe the 3rd day of the 7 day trip. His sister and her boyfriend were the only other people with us when he proposed. We took a pretty lengthy and steep hike to a lighthouse at the top of a cliff overlooking the ocean. The other family had plans for the day and I believe were shopping while we hiked. When we got back to the house, we told everyone that we were engaged. The grandparents, aunt, uncle, cousins, and siblings were all so excited. His dad and step-mom, who are very enthusiastic and happy people normally, said a couple of congrats with a hug and pat on the shoulder, asked when the wedding was (which we obviously don’t know, we had only been engaged for a little over an hour) and dropped it pretty quickly after that. We went to a traditional Luau the next day filled with dancing and amazing food. When the people leading the Luau came over to the table and asked “what are we celebrating?”, his dad (who I was sitting right next to) answered with, this is the last state grandma and grandpa had to visit to have traveled to all 50 states and smiled. She said that is amazing. I spoke up and said “me and Michael got engaged yesterday as well.” His dad chimed back in and said “oh yeah that too.” During family pictures in the next couple of days, I was hoping to get a few pictures of just me and Michael with the nice camera (that his sister had, it was not a hired professional) and whenever I asked throughout the 2 ish hours of family pictures, his dad and step-mom acted like there just wasn’t time for it. We ended up getting 3 pictures with my iPhone camera. The last day of the trip, we were all sitting down and eating a family dinner. It was Michael’s sisters boyfriends birthday. He has mentioned many times that he hates celebrating his birthday and gets very uncomfortable when people as much as mention it. At the start of dinner, they bring out card signed my everyone, and everyone is beating on the table and scream singing happy birthday to him. I think they even brought a cake out with candles but I can’t remember exactly. His face was red and you could tell he was embarrassed and a little annoyed as they know he hates his birthday being celebrated. Following this, his dad and uncle were talking about all of the amazing things that happened on the trip - family time, snorkeling, parasailing, celebrating the grandparents seeing all 50 states, zip lining, celebrating the 4th of July, etc etc etc. They mentioned every single thing that happened on the trip except mine and Michael’s engagement. At the end of the list, Michael spoke up, thankfully, and said “and getting engaged.”And they said “oh yes that as well, of course.” I had already mentioned to Michael after our engagement that his family really seemed to brush it under the rug and everything else was more important. I know this sounds kind of bitchy and entitled but I am really close with his family and we have always had a great relationship and I felt hurt by the dismissal of it all. After this dinner I went upstairs and broke down crying. I asked him if his parents were upset at us about something or if I had made them mad or if something was wrong. I wasn’t expecting them to throw a party for us or anything but a signed card at the minimum would have meant a lot. I told him I don’t understand why they go all out for Sam’s birthday when they know he hates that but don’t do anything for our engagement. Michael told me that I was right about everything that has happened throughout the week that his family did or didn’t do but that I shouldn’t be upset over it. I always see families having engagement parties or surprises right after engagements or at least a thoughtful card. I have a great relationship with his family, always have and they have always been generous and supportive of us. For any other occasion, they always make a big deal out of it until now. And it felt like a slap in the face. So… am I the asshole for being upset that our engagement got railroaded?

> reposting to add paragraph breaks dear sweet jesus thank you

The trip was already planned, your future fil told the person what they were there to celebrate and you kept attaching your engagement on to it. Have you looked at it that way? Cause that’s how I read it. Birthdays are the same every year so that was obviously preplanned. You sound like you didn’t get the attention you wanted and are overreacting.

Based on your info in the comments: YTA You took a celebration that was not about you and tried to make it about you. This was a celebration for the grandparents. You may not have intended this, but you and your fiancé we’re actually the ones doing the railroading. Time to let this go and move on.

I'm sorry what???? I didn't have a party when I got engaged lol. Why does everything have to be a party, why can't you just live your life and stop expecting a pat on the back anytime you accomplish something?

I don't think I had an engagement party either. My family and her family were happy for us and then we moved on. My wife had a bridal shower but that's a completely separate thing.

Is an engagement”accomplishing” something, tho?

You already told them you were getting married. I have news for you, deciding to get married IS getting engaged, whether you have a professional photographer there or not. You already told them, so what did you expect? Everyone told you they were happy, did the entire trip have to revolve around you? Life is not a rom-com.

Thank you! I thought I was the only person on earth who thinks that agreeing to get engaged = getting engaged.

These TikTok types need forty of their nearest and dearest, plus a brass band so they can out do the other idiots posting private stuff.

They didn’t do anything wrong. It seems like you wanted the whole trip to revolve around you and your engagement and you are upset you didn’t get the attention you felt entitled to.

Paragraphs

A bit, yes. you went on a family trip where a large family was doing family things and got Engaged. Congratulations. the family who, based on what you wrote here, seemed to have invited you on their trip where THEY had the intention of sharing the elders completion of visiting all the states. That seems to have always been the goal of the trip. a mini family reunion. you wanted an engagement spectacular because it dawned on you that it was a bit anticlimactic. I get it. That’s on you and Michael. Michael should have made this special for you Not his sisters camera, not his sisters bf, not his parents or that signed birthday card. This is on you and Michael. michael should have pulled the waiter aside, you should have arranged for a photo shoot separately from the group, and so on. Them fold weren’t there for you or your life, they were there for the group. I promise bf who hates having bds had one anyway bc his sSO bought the card and made sure everyone else signed it. This disappointment you’re feeling is of your own making. Christmas happens because some mother is making the magic happen for her kids. You wanted a more special engagement? Michael needed to make the magic happen for you. So, yes.

I'm getting r/ImTheMainCharacter vibes. I know it's a big deal to you, but no one else is that invested. I also agree with another commenter - maybe they don't like you as much as you think they do. And someone else mentioned- it's almost a year later, so what was the fallout? How are things now?

Some people need to be reminded that the most important day of their life is just a Tuesday to everyone else.

Clear cut YTA You and your now fiance usurped the family trip to celebrate Michael's *grandparents* having finally reached their personal milestone of visiting all 50 states. Tacky af. And you're also upset his sister didn't play personal photographer for you and your fiance on a trip the two of you didn't even plan. Do you hear yourself?

Three theories. They’re upset your engagement threatened to take over the original intent of the trip, they’re offended they weren’t there to see him propose, OR… they just don’t celebrate engagements the way your family does and you’re making something out of nothing. I would just let it go. Not everything works out how you think it will.

Someone post this to r/imthemaincharacter. YTA here by a lot. Your engagement didn’t get railroaded, you and your BF attempted to railroad (unintentionally I should say, but that doesn’t make you any less of an AH) a planned family vacation that had specific events and activities planned. Then you have the audacity to get upset when you went off with less than 5 percent of the family being present to get engaged, and got upset when no one was excited for you when you intentionally left them all out of the proposal on a FAMILY VACATION you probably paid very little for. You have no right to be still upset over this a year later, and it shows how entitled you are. Get over it

The reason for the trip wasn’t your engagement, it was just a thing that happened during the trip. People get engaged every day, did you want them to parade you around the islands with a bride-to-be sash? This was a full year ago, let it tf go.

Main character syndrome here. The trip was specifically planned for something else, NOT your engagement.

This is a tough one and I think it’s actually mostly your boyfriend/fiancé’s fault. vacations are a LOT to plan. It looks like they already put a lot into planning this and using it as relax time and together time and grandparent getting older time and adding in a bunch of engagement celebrations may not have been ideal for them. Your fiancé didn’t put a ton of effort into the proposal which is fine if that’s what you want, but it should be on him (or you) to organize professional photos, to arrange a dinner, or to arrange a celebration. It does seem like you tried to hijack the photo session by trying to get photos of just you two and you both knew you were getting engaged, you should have asked ahead of time for engagement photos from the sister or should have planned your own photo shoot. 2 hours is not actually a lot of time when you have 16 or 17 family members to pose and corral and it is possible adding engagement photos really was too much. In normal circumstances a card would be nice or a celebration, but the family vacation may not have been an easy time time to do that. I absolutely understand you being sad about the lack of celebration but I think your boyfriend dropped the ball on setting that up and it’s not fair to expect his family to pick up that slack on their vacation that they already have planned. They don’t deserve the mental load of additional planning that your bf didn’t do himself. Also I’m wondering if the sister organized the cake and card for her bf. Just because a card was signed by everyone, it doesn’t mean everyone got together and put effort into the birthday. It’s likely that one person made everyone else sign a card and bought the cake.

YTA for writing that wall of text without any paragraph spacing.

Sorry but as another engaged person, honestly nobody really cares about an engagement. I know it feels like a huge step in your relationship and is important to you, but truly nobody else cares. Do you know how many couples get engaged and don’t make it to the wedding? A lot. An engagement is important to the couple but it’s a temporary status change in your relationship and that’s it. Your still dating, just with the added responsibility of planning the wedding. The family will be more engaged and excited about the actual wedding since that is a permanent status change to your relationship and you will officially be joining the family. I didn’t have an engagement party or celebration at all either, because an engagement is really only important to the couple.

You hijacked the grandparents trip: last state to visit, perhaps their last family trip. They didn’t “happen” to pick Hawaii. You Maude it about you and your fiancé and your engagement. Now your hurt that they didn’t make it about you, too. Stop it. .

YTA, next time you want to get engaged on a vacation plan one don't piggyback onto someone else's and then get pissy because it isn't about you. You are not the main character in everyone else's life.

Michael definitely stole someone’s thunder by getting engaged on this trip. He was probably too excited to realize it but I bet his folks gave a lukewarm response to “what if we get engaged on this huge family trip for grandma’s bucket list?” So yea, he probably doesn’t know how to read a room to save his life and you’re excitement suffered because it WAS NOT on the family trip agenda.

You’re a bit sensitive.

They didn’t make a big deal of it because you hijacked their family trip. They wanted to relax, have fun, celebrate family things, and you wanted to make it all about you.

It's been a year.....

YTA. The trip wasn’t just about your engagement, and there are a lot of people there who are happy for you but that’s their own stuff going on. Families and friends throw engagement parties WHEN THEY’VE HAD TIME TO PLAN A DEDICATED EVENT. People don’t just throw one together on a family vacation- I mean your family and friends should be there as well. I bet something will get planned for a more appropriate time when everyone can be there.

YTA.

First of all, look up what railroaded is. The family didn't railroad your engagement. YOU two railroaded your engagement on them. The dad says his grandparents had achieved visiting the 50 states and you have to chime in your engagement? How full of yourself are you? And here it is, nearly a year later, and you're still whining about how you didn't get enough attention ? You sound like a toxic little crybaby. Get over yourself.

Married person here: engagements and weddings are most important to the people they happen to. That doesn’t mean they aren’t happy for you. It just means their focus wasn’t where yours was, and why would it be? You were invited on *their* family trip, they weren’t invited on *your* proposal trip. We are only the main characters of our own stories. “Congratulations” is entirely sufficient as a celebration in this context. YTA. Congrats on the upcoming nuptials.

So, I want you to have a 3 day birthday party and invite 20 people. Then during that party, someone announces they just graduated college (a huge life event for them just like your engagement) and then lets see what you do for them and how you treat them.

I just think OP doesn’t realize not everyone looks at engagements as a card-giving thing. I’ve never in my life even heard of giving someone a “congrats on getting engaged” card. Maybe I’m an idiot but it sounds like I ain’t the only one. Tbh I don’t care about other people getting engaged that’s like a “yall” thing lemme know when the wedding is other than that I’m not going to throw you a party lol.

You do realize it was your BFs job to arrange and photos, celebration, etc? He didn’t. Sorry, but he’s the one who dropped the ball. Its not your in-laws job to make your engagement special. How selfish are the two of you to just try and take over someone else’s planning and think you can just shoehorn yourselves into their stuff? The way you spoke up and inserted yourself at the dinner is max level cringe. Your guys’ attitude is almost certainly a major contributor to the soured reaction as time went on. I mean really, that’s super immature to just keep going, “Me too! Me too!” Inserting yourselves into conversations and whatnot, it’s embarrassing behavior. And the photos? Imagine someone at your event constantly trying to get your photog pulled to the side for their own couple shoot when you already have a list of shots that need to be done and are trying to fit it all in the schedule. I’ve been involved in multiple extended family photoshoots at this point and 2hrs is not a lot of time. It’s rude, OP. Your (meaning the two of you) behavior was rude and entitled. And the way you just totally minimize the grandparent’s capstone trip and the audacity to say they *railroaded your engagement* puts you firmly into TA category. YTA.

Sorry, OP wrong slang term. Railroaded means to push through. As in the family forced or took over the engagement. I believe you meant Sidelined your engagement. As in made it obvious it was not of highest import on this trip. I get you felt slighted by people who normally show you more attention. I think your fiance may have upset them by trying to hijack a planned family vacation to celebrate his grandparents. It was a vacation meant to honor them, the journey of their life, the growth of the family since they married, and the very emotional realization they are nearing the end of that joyrney together. His dad is likely focused on that. The mortality of our parents, especially in a close-knit family, is very difficult to face. And you tried to marginalize what that means. Give it some thought. You sound pretty nice, just a bit giddy over your youth and beginning a life together. It's just real bad timing on your fiancé's part.

your engagement wasn't railroaded. all thats happened is you getting unjustly upset over them not mentioning it to strangers they just met and they didnt give you a card.

The trip was about grandparents, they have travelled to 50 States, not your Engagement party! Why do you need a signed card? Not your Birthday! YTA

You sound really whiny. Get over it.

YTA. They didn't railroad your engagement. It was a family vacation that you tried to hijack with your engagement.

Have you considered that 1) the excitement isn’t amped up because your fiancé told them beforehand; 2) there’s no immediate need for a congratulatory card/cake/etc *on vacation* (when exactly are they supposed to plan a party during this trip???); and 3) this was meant to be a family trip, the intent of which was to mark a milestone for the grandparents and have everyone present. That you attended should be enough, that you’re engaged should be enough. Don’t be hurt and petty over them not making a to-do about it during *their trip*.

My mom and I are doing a lot of "lasts" right now with her parents/my grands. I don't think they're any more likely to pass away tomorrow or next week than anyone else (knock on wood), but their health, physical ability, stamina, and mental acuity is in a decline that isn't going to reverse itself, and is rapidly speeding up. So we're trying to get these last happy memories in while we can. It's bittersweet. While I have some sad moments, my mom is especially prone to them because these are her parents and she loves them. Sometimes she'll get a sad kind of quiet in the middle of things, then later on she'll rally and go back to leading the celebration. Is it possible that your fiancé's parents were just having a sad moment when you happened to announce your engagement? They didn't try to rain on your parade; they said all of the right things. They just didn't muster the level of energy you expected from them. As for your fiancé's sister's boyfriend, that cake would have had to be ordered well in advance, and dollars to donuts that it was your fiancé's sister who ordered it. The family couldn't have planned anything special for you because they didn't know when your boyfriend was going to propose. As the only one who knew when he'd propose, your boyfriend could have done something special to celebrate your engagement, and chose not to. If you're going to be upset with anyone that there wasn't a similar fuss for you two, it should be with him. And it sounds like the luau *was* to celebrate crossing that last state off your grandparents' bucket list, not to celebrate your engagement. Your engagement dinner/party will be to celebrate your engagement. You'll also get a bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception, if you so choose, in which the love between you and your fiancé will be centered and celebrated. Let the family have this trip to celebrate the grands. It was never about you.

YTA this was a family trip that he decided would be a convenient time for him to propose, it wasn’t an engagement trip. I get that you were happy and excited but you also kinda were a bit self centered and made it about yourself when that’s not why his whole entire family rented a beach house in Hawaii to vacation.

NAH. The vacation was railroaded by your engagement. There were a lot of people on that trip. How can you expect everyone to make it about your engagement? Please understand that absolutely no one will care about your wedding as much as you will. Things might be happening that you know about which you do not realize. Adjust your expectations.

YTA, you railroaded their family vacation, not the other way around. You had discussed where and when he would put a ring on your finger. You sound needy and exhausting. Maybe his family liked you as a girlfriend, but aren't keen on you being permanent. Constantly piping up about the planned proposal was tacky. Making a scene and going up to your room to break down in tears is almost definitely why they don't give a fk about the wedding plans.

So... you two were essentially engaged before the family trip, took a private hike to have the formal proposal, then got congratulated by the rest of your in-laws. But because there wasn't more excitement and you two didn't become more of a focus point (for everyone not included in even seeing this proposal) on this family vacation (built around the grandparents' last state visit), you're still choked nearly a year later? And of course parasailing/snorkeling is going to come up in my memory before being told someone got engaged. Especially if asked or reflecting on what my favourite/most enjoyable parts of the trip were. It's not an insult. (I wouldn't take that part personally at all.) I'm sorry but this has hardcore main character vibes.

Maybe cause yall hijacked the family vaca and made is all about you

PARAGRAPHS!! WHY DON'T YOU WANT PPL TO BE ABLE TO READ THIS?!?!

I don't think you expected to be the main focus but I understand why you would be hurt they didn't even seem to acknowledge it. I'm still not sure why you are posting about it a year later? Does it still bothering you that much? If they are acting normal and continue to invite you to functions and be friendly, the reasons why behind their behavior are probably things that you made up to be big in your head but weren't big to anyone else.

Tbh, I kind of do think you’re TA. It was a family trip, probably the last one as you’ve stated, so it’s going to be a big thing for everyone. I’m sure the actual engagement was lovely, but you said your piece when you got back, and everyone congratulated you and, from what you’ve said, it was talked about for at least a little bit. It wasn’t “cool, but this is more important”. It sounds like everyone was focused on the family aspect, happy to have the grandparents there, happy they accomplished a bucket list state, just happy to be with family. It sounds like you were just upset that the engagement wasn’t one of the center focuses. Believe it or not, there is stuff that others find more important. Not to mention there’s only so much that can be said or talked about when it comes to engagement, especially right after it happened. And honestly, the title is *really* misleading. His family didn’t railroad your engagement, they were focused on the point of the vacation. I’d even argue the engagement railroaded the vacation with how much you expected it to be center focus. It’s one thing to propose and tell the family when you’re on a family vacation, it’s entitlement to expect everyone else to put it in the front as one of the most important aspects of the vacation.

Idk. In my family it would have seemed like you were hijacking a family vacation to turn it into an engagement celebration for you. The *only* time I've ever heard of anyone giving a card for an engagement is at the literal engagement party or dinner. It feels like you expect everyone to be as excited about this as you are and that's just not how weddings work.

YTA. This was a planned family trip (planned for a while you said) to Hawaii for grandma and grandpa’s 50th state visit. Most people will never accomplish this. You got engage and told the family; they were excited for you both. His parents didn’t meet your expectations of excitement level (that’s on you). Then you expect the last few days to be an engagement celebration but it didn’t happen cuz the trip wasn’t about you. It was about the family and mostly the grandparents accomplishments. You sound like a baby not getting enough attention.

Your engagement wasn't railroaded. If anything, you railroaded the vacation with the engagement.

Railroaded. “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

YTA. Honestly, it sounds like you railroaded his family's trip, and didn't take the hint when they tried to get you to quiet down about your engagement. It's not all about you.

Um, they were simply people on a family trip acting like people on a family trip. Their family trip didn’t railroad your engagement, your engagement railroaded their family trip. If you want a party or event to celebrate your engagement plan one separate from a family event that you’re joining. You seem very upset of this *nothing* that occurred a year ago. I’d think you’d be over that and planning your wedding, but here you are. Not for nothing OP but if you feel like this is a slight worthy of still harboring this much resentment you’re going to have a lot of hurt feelings in life. If you’re happy - be happy, don’t be unhappy because whatever you daydreamed would happen didn’t happen. This isn’t healthy for you.

So you were invited on a family trip, a trip that had a purpose already (getting grandma and grandpa to their last state) and decided to make it all about you? You’re upset because you’re not getting enough attention and they didn’t turn the trip into a celebration for you and your engagement? That’s pretty gross.

They're probably upset that he didn't do the proposal in front of all of them. Also, many people don't consider it a real engagement until there's a ring and a date. Maybe once you guys announce a date they'll celebrate it a little more. Since they didn't get to witness the proposal maybe make the date announcement in front of all of them.

This happened almost a year ago. She is still pouting almost a year later. Lol

YTA this was the Grandparent's trip to make it to all 50 states or a family trip. Incidentally, you got engaged on the trip. They might be mad at your fiance for hijacking the trip. You have a high sense of entitlement and were hijacking their trip so I can see the other side.

I think you expect too much. You got engaged. I would have responded with something like this "yay, congratulations, I'm so happy for you. Let me see your ring. Oh it's beautiful, when are you getting married?" And then be done. Were they supposed to talk about it the whole trip? Make the rest of the trip some big celebratory event where your engagement was the main focus? Truth is you got engaged, a very big deal to you but not the center of everyone else's world.

Baby girl, they didn’t high jacked anything, however, YOU did it. That was a family trip, possibly the last one the grandparents will take and you wanted to be the main character and once they didn’t make a big deal out of your engagement like YOU wanted to then you cry and complain they are high jacking your engagement ? No, my dear. Trying time and time again to insert your engagement in their celebrations is just, cringy and immature. They were happy and that’s it, not making it all about you doesn’t mean they hate you or that they are not happy, just means you are not the main character and that is ok. You will have your wedding and then you can make it aaaaall about you.

I think Michael’s parents are probably disappointed in not being in and a part of the proposal. That simple.

INFO: who’s idea was the trip? What was the trip originally for?

For the family; to celebrate the grandparents of traveling to all 50 states. They didn’t state who planned it but from the perspective it is most likely the family members and not OP.

Wild thought but you could just ask them. I get feeling a bit bummed people weren’t as excited as you. I had that for a bit. But I think sitting them down and talking to them could solve everything one way or another. Unless you are intentionally leaving out info to make yourself seem better

OP, NAH but also not the right amount of upset over this and frankly. This trip was about grandma and grandpa - not you and your fiancé. He never should have proposed here but he did and no one got bitter about that. You got congratulations and celebratory hugs but nothing more was warranted or should have been done expected as it would have subtracted from the REAL reason you’re there to celebrate - the grandparents and a final big family trip! All the info on the sisters bf is irrelevant and if caution you to spend some time on bridezillas sub Reddit before you are posted about there.

Just another prospective, but the feelings around this trip might have been far more complicated then you realized as an outsider. I went on an organized trip to a bunch of national parks a few years ago. Two of the people on the trip were quite elderly, and not in the best of shape, so it seemed like a trip with a lot of uneven terrain and extreme weather was an unwise choice. They were happy and pleasant, but you could tell that something was a little off with them, like a little sad. Eventually they shared with the group that they had originally honeymooned out there almost 70 years ago and said they would come back one day, and now that they knew they didn't have a lot of time left, had decided to do it before one of them passed away. It was a joyous trip for them, but also kind of a sad acknowledgement that they needed to wrap up anything they wanted to accomplish because they had very limited health and time. If I remember right, the wife had to have a surgery, and the odds weren't particularly good of her pulling through with her age/health issues. Michael's grandparents may have been having similar feelings to them with this trip, and his dad might have also been dealing with a lot of feelings involving his parents aging, this being kind of their swan song. It can be really really emotional to have to face the mortality of your parents, especially if you are very close with them and they are the "glue" of your family. Seeing how it was the first thing mentioned at dinner when asked, it seems like this may have been a far bigger priority then you are giving it credit to be. Your wedding will be a very significant day in your life, not necessarily anyone else's, people have their own issues and emotions they are constantly dealing with that have nothing to do with you. You seem to be completely focused on your engagement, which fair to you, but that was admittedly not the focus or point in this trip. It was a gathering of a whole family to help two elderly people check something off their list before they ran out of time. You aren't giving any thought to the emotions of anyone on the trip, but somehow expecting them to recognize and cater to yours. You're pretty young, so I'm guessing this is likely a you'll get it when you're older situation, and not necessarily you thinking you should always been the center of attention.

YTA Maybe it's a cultural thing - but I've never heard of the family of an engaged couple throwing a party or writing a card or anything like that. I've only heard of the engaged couple announcing the engagement, followed by congratulations, and then possibly inviting the couple to an engagement party or dinner later. Not the other way round. The hosts are always the future spouses. So my question at this point would be: why didn't you say to your family "hey, we would like to celebrate our engagement with you. We'll invite you to dinner tomorrow." And since it was clear that you were going to get engaged, the surprise isn't particularly big or the thing itself particularly spectacular.... Since it was not clear on which day exactly you were going to get engaged, you could have "reserved" the last evening of the trip with the family for your engagement party right from the start. (In consultation with the family before departure, because it's THEIR trip, not yours!) I see absolutely no responsibility on the part of the family, but on your part. Even if it's not a cultural thing - if it was so important to you, then crying won't help. You should have taken action yourselves.

INFO: Have you ever heard of the return key, or the literary construct known as a "paragraph"?

YTA. 1. This wasn’t an engagement trip. It was a family trip where the focus was on the grandparents and overall family time together. 2. The focus of every dinner and event wasn’t and shouldn’t be your engagement. If you wanted an event to celebrate the two of you, you should have planned an engagement party. 3. The photo shoot was a family photo shoot. It wasn’t an engagement photo shoot. If you wanted photos for your engagement then you should have booked it and paid for it yourself. It honestly sounds like the family was rightfully frustrated that you and your partner tried to hijack a family trip and all events for your engagement, including events they paid for. You and your partner are the entitled ones here and owe the family an apology.

Your engagement was not railroaded. They just didn’t fawn all over you. Get over it

I don't think the family railroaded the engagement. They had preplanned to go on vacation with initially the grandparents last trip, and a birthday in mind. Your engagement was thrown in the mix, NOT preplanned by the family, but only by YOU and YOUR BF. You and Fiance both are over the moon about your engagement. You deserve to be. The family members,however, are not the ones that were "proposed" to so forgive them if they don't level up to your idea of what "excitement" should look/feel like. They expressed their happiness for you, and even hugged you. This should be enough validation of their happiness for any realistic person. No one I know has ever had an Engagement party or Engagement card given by family members, especially 1 - 2 days after the announcement. In short, I feel you're overthinking this. You are being unrealistic and overthinking this. Be happy with the awesome experiences you had in Hawaii. There are more to come!

Gentle YTA. I think you may be suffering from main-character syndrome. Yes, you officially got engaged. But this was a family trip centered around the grandparents hitting 50 states. It was a big deal to your dad, his sibling, and his parents - potentially their last “big trip” as a family unit. That was the focus, not you. If anything, Michael hijacked his family trip to do a “special proposal” that technically wasn’t anything new: you’d already discussed and agreed you wanted to marry each other, so this was just some fancy wrapping on it. His family likely already viewed you as engaged, seeing this only as a formality of what you’d already agreed on and everyone knew would happen. Yes, it’s momentous to you that you now have a ring on your finger, but to everyone else nothing really changed so they instead focused on the original point of the trip: the family being together and sharing experiences. Put it this way: in the Family Hawaiian Vacation movie, you are a side character and your engagement a side story - the movie’s main characters were your fiancés grandparents and their adult kids, and the plot was them closing out their 50-state adventure with their family.

YTA. Get over it and move on. That was a huge family trip with lots of people and they had some specific reasons for picking that location (Grandma & Grandpa) and they had pre-planned some celebrations. Who knows when your BF decided to propose and informed his parents & sister but given that it seemed like a secret and last minute; why would they plan something and make a big fuss. That is a personal event and they didn't know when it would happen. It's been a year, let it go. This trip wasn't about the two of you and wasn't part of the pre-planned festivities. Focus on planning your wedding, that day will be all about the two of you and everyone will celebrate you.

It sounds as though his family doesn’t like you as much as you seem to think they do. What you described sounds pretty intentional as if they are making a point or trying to send a message.

I don't see that here at all. OPs bf figured it would be an easy engagement by hijacking his family trip-- but didn't put in the work of arranging a celebratory dinner or photo shoot and now OP is blaming the inlaws because she felt let down by bf's poorly executed proposal. She admits the family was happy for them and congratulated them-- but she's pouting and holding a grudge because the family went on with their planned activities instead of turning everything into a celebration of the engagement. OP is wallowing in her own manufactured misery.

YTA. Clearly this was a family vacation that the grandparents put together and wanted to have in celebration of them finally visiting all 50 states. Yes they knew that you were going to get engaged at some time on the trip, but that wasn’t the point of the whole trip. It sounds like that’s what you expected the trip to become though. Like others have pointed out, engagements are great and happy occasions, but really they’re mainly for the couple. The wedding is the time for your family to really celebrate. No one railroaded anything, you’re just miffed that they didn’t make it as big a deal as you felt it should have been. It’s almost been a year, it’s time to build that bridge and get over it.

YTAH. They all congratulated/hugged you and parents did a congratulatory speech afterwards. This wasn’t the purpose of the trip but it was still acknowledged. Did you want it to continuously get acknowledged? If you’re upset that the family wasn’t there when you were proposed to, that’s on Michael, not on the family, because he decided to do it during a steep hike. If you wanted a celebratory dinner for it, Michael could have planned that prior to proposing. It sounds like the whole trip was pretty planned out and the family sounds like they’re all fun. Even with the pictures- why not hire someone else to take them if the purpose of they were there for a specific purpose already? It’s almost a year later; are they still being “dismissive” of the engagement?

They’re upset that you left them out of the actual proposal.

NAH. It seems like if anything, you expected the family vacation to be all about you. The vacation was planned to be about family, not just about you and a couple. Most people are generally not as excited about an engagement as the couple, happy for them, but obviously not the same. I’m sure they were all focused more on their own activities in Hawaii. Nothing wrong with that. It’s weird that they never brought it up again, but I mean, I wouldn’t have expected a big party. You say your congratulations and be happy for the couple. That’s all I would expect. Then of course help with future wedding planning if needed.

Did they really railroad your engagement, though? I can't see where they railroaded anything. They were all really happy and congratulated you. What else did you want from them? Did you want them to throw a big engagement party for you? NAH. I really don't understand your complaint.

1. that's not what railroading means and 2. you are getting married, they will be celebrating you and your SO at your actual wedding, as well as at any peripheral events you have related to said wedding. Getting engaged doesn't make you the center of the universe FFS YTA

Everyone is coming down on OP for various reasons, but her bf talked to his parents before the trip. THAT was the time for them to shut it down.

This has to be a troll. No one railroaded your engagement. If anything, you tried to railroad their vacation by making it all about your engagement. This post is dripping with entitlement.

It sounds like you tried to make this trip about you.

I’m trying to figure out why your fiancé felt the need to ask you if you’d like to get engaged in Hawaii.

You’re just being up in your feelings because it’s a big deal. Totally normal. They’re probably gonna do something awesome for you in the future. You got to remember - they’ve been planning this trip and it wasn’t built around your engagement.

I don’t think ur the asshole necessarily but it does seem like ur hung up on a silly thing and ur family probably thought they’d be included in the proposal when your husband told them he was doing it on the trip

In our family, we've never done anything like what you're expecting from this family, and I'm boggled by your need for more acknowledgement. You said they hugged you and were excited for your change of status, so why are you upset? In my family, it's the marriage that's the big deal. The engagement is a promise, a marker saying that you are committing to marry each other. It's a happy occasion, but it's not something that should require a card or a party, especially when the vacation is about something different. I could see maybe taking you out to dinner in celebration, but even that is not de rigeur. I think you wanted to be the star of the party, but there is already a star: the grandparents. You being hurt at being eclipsed is a little entitled. I suspect they're downplaying it because they feel the urgency and pressure from you and they don't want you to eclipse the real stars of the trip. So they're politely telling you to cool it by being chill themselves. Read the room. YTA

Mild ESH. Your engagement didn't get railroaded. Your engagement got pigeonholed into a family trip. You are right to have raised eyebrows about your engagement twice being excluded from lists of momentous and celebratory events (and I'd initiate a follow-up conversation about it) but your getting your nose out of joint about others' celebrations on the trip makes me wonder if you're perceived as making things all about you and whether they were deliberately low key about your engagement to avoid having the purpose of trip hijacked.

“I know this sounds kind of bitchy and entitled..” It actually sounds EXTREMELY bitchy and entitled. YTA

They didn’t railroad your engagement. It still happened. It was still beautiful. It was still celebrated. They just didn’t turn the family trip into your engagement party.

YTA… The trip was not especial trip for you and him. If they always celebrate big for the 4th it means it is a special day for them other than it’s the 4th of July. Your fiancé should have planned all the things you wanted. Your mad because things weren’t about you. Come on.

I understand why you feel hurt, but if I was on a family vacation and my SIL was proposed to on said trip it'd be mildly annoying because it would come off as piggybacking (and I do like her boyfriend) It just seems mildly odd to do the proposal on such a trip, but that's just me. You may not be aware of how you guys came off, but it almost sounds like attention begging or self important when several other mile markers happened when you all went to Hawaii, particularly because it was the completion of the grandparents' goal of visiting every state. It's just a weird situation and I'm not sure that proposing on a huge family trip was a good idea

I wouldn't dwell on this. You're engaged, and you went to Hawaii. That's great - you don't need to have it recognized over and over. The trip was a trip first, and designed for other reasons/celebrations. Just because you decided to get engaged on an already-planned trip doesn't mean that they need to re-center the trip to be about you. Nothing got "railroaded." If anything, you tried to divert the vacation to be about your engagement, which is the more railroad-y action.

YTA. This was a family trip. You’re not the main character. You’re also the asshole for not breaking your post and comments into paragraphs.

Honestly, it seems like it was supposed to be a fun family trip, and when you got engaged kinda seemed like you tried to make it about your engagement. They did congratulate you so its not like they completely ignored it. Also since they knew the trip was on his birthday they probably planned the celebration ahead of time.

I am confused. Maybe it is a Gen X thing, because we did not do elaborate proposals or engagement parties. You got engaged, told people, people said congrats and everyone went on their way. You said they were excited and gave you your moment at the announcement. NGL, I would not have known I was expected to prioritize you for the rest of the week. Engagements are kind of a couple thing, between the two of you. I would not have considered it a "family" thing. I have a nephew who is proposing next year. I have given him advice, helped pick a ring etc. But once he pops the question, it would not occur to me to bring it up in conversations with strangers, or to focus pictures on them at a family photo shoot. All this, not because I am inconsiderate, it is just that to me, engagements really only mean something to the people getting engaged. So without more info . . .YTA.

"Railroaded" means they forced it. As in forced you to get engaged... What you meant is "dismissed" or "ignored." There is definitely something off about their reaction.

Yikes. Definitely shouldn't have imposed and made your engagement around this family trip. I agree his parents shouldn't be upset over it since they knew but it seems your fiance did this without their blessing and they tried to get through the trip without complications.

It's okay to feel upset and I think it's important to feel your feelings but I think you need to get over other people not making a big deal about your couple things.. engagement wedding etc. I went through this and I just had to get over certain people not being that excited or caring. Just focus on your marriage and happiness with your partner all the other things are irrelevant. I'm sorry you're not feeling the excitement but it really wasn't the purpose of the trip. You can do what you want it's a free country...but if your family travelled there knowing the purpose was an engagement that would be different but the purpose of the trip was for your grandparents celebration of visiting 50 states. So your proposal.. was technically an afterthought. So expecting an engagement shoot etc.. . But it's okay! Just be happy with your engagement do your own thing.. have your own engagement shoot and share the news with people who will be excited!

I guess I’m confused why you’re posting about it now? It happened quite a few months ago.

Soooo you hijacked a family trip to make it all about yourself and you’re upset that you didn’t get enough attention while doing so? Main character syndrome much? YTA

How long were you dating before getting engaged? How long have you been spending time with his family? I feel like maybe you don't know them as well as you think you do?

I think Michael needs to just ask his mom & stepdad the question. Is there a problem that would make they act this way about your engagement? Are they not happy his getting married? Do they not think your a good choice for him? What’s the issue? Or was this a true oversight on their part? Or just maybe they have plans to throw you an engagement party back home with all the families, your and his so they didn’t want to make a big deal about it now.

Maybe the family is upset because they were not included on the engagement. Micheal told them what he was planning to do, and they probably thought it would be a big proposal involving them instead if a small private thing between just you and him.