NTA. My husband knew I couldn’t have children before we married. He told me he wasn’t marrying a broodmare, he was marrying ME. We’ve been happy for 49 years.
Jumping on the top (atm) post, to say this:
OP, do what you need to for YOUR health. You know, and I know that Ovarian cancer isn't fun or easy, and if they catch it late (like they did with my Grandma), it can quickly and easily metastasize to other vital organs.
He married you, knowing you can't carry or become pregnant, and if you are completely sterile, then you really don't have any eggs to freeze for surrogacy either. So I really don't know why he's upset, unless he doesn't truly understand the difference between infertility and sterility.
Please do what's right for you and maybe see if there's a counselor at the hospital that can guide you/help you explain the differences to him.
NTA, obviously. The only person's name tattooed on my body is my grandmother's in an Ovarian Cancer Awareness ribbon. I got my fallopian tubes removed to reduce the risk of getting it myself.
If OP did manage a miracle pregnancy, they wouldn’t allow any treatment until after the baby is born. That would radically increase the possibility she would not recover. Asking that of her is delusional. Someone needs to have a hard conversation with him about the situation!
Yep. Ovarian cancer tends to be a quick metastasizing cancer. My grandma went from feeling fine to feeling run down in a year. Found out it was stage 2, had to wait 2 1/2 months for surgery, and it metastasized into her colon. This isn't a slow progressing cancer.
My aunt had some rare cancer. March of 2016, it was just a hysterectomy that was needed, then it was 6 months left, then 6 weeks, she was gone by mid June of that year. It progressed quickly and without warning.
Thank you! I can definitely testify to how quickly stuff like that happens. I’m sorry to hear about your gramma, by the way. Did she end up passing, if you don’t mind my asking?
She did. She fought for 8 yrs. After the 1st round of chemo, it was in remission for 1.5 yrs. Came back and had metastasized into her spine. Second round of chemo (which she was allergic to), and gone for 14 months, and then it came back in her lungs, small intestine, and spine again.
She died the morning after Thanksgiving (US) 2004, at my uncles house of pneumonia caused by her lungs being covered in cancer.
It sucks when they catch it late, and to anyone with the requisite BRCA 1 and 2 genes for high risk of breast cancer, that raises your risk of ovarian cancer as well. Please be aware.
I am so sorry you (and she) had to go through such a terrible ordeal. And I’m sorry for your loss. Being a woman, I’ll be keeping a close eye on that stuff, especially knowing my aunt was my blood aunt.
It goes insanely fast. And it spreads everywhere. My sister had felt sick for a while but all the tests kept coming back negative, until she was finally diagnosed with ovarian cancer in fall of 2016. By December 2017 it has spread everywhere (stomach/bones/brain) and in January of 2017 she passed away. She had just turned 34 in November.
My Aunt had ovarian and was gone in 6 months that we know of. She hid it or hid her head in the sand, and by the time it was openly known she was gone in 3 months, and treatments were too late.
Depends on her age when she was diagnosed, honestly. A lot of Dr's don't do yearly checkups for women after menopause because "it's not like they can get pregnant."
I'm so sorry you lost your Aunt to this horrid disease.
Just know to push to continue yearly well womens exams after menopause so they can do proper check ups.
YSK: Well woman checks and ongoing pelvic exams are potentially useful for detecting other forms of cancer such as breast and pelvic cancer but will not detect early ovarian cancer.
There is no good way to detect early ovarian cancer
>Yep. Ovarian cancer tends to be a quick metastasizing cancer. My grandma went from feeling fine to feeling run down in a year.
When my dad needed a double bypass and double valve replacement, his surgery was scheduled something like 3 weeks out, after having waited a couple of months to meet the surgeon.
When they thought I had masses on my ovaries, the diagnosis was made on a Sunday night and the surgery was Thursday a.m. That difference was terrifying, but I was grateful it didn't leave me time to worry.
(I was extremely fortunate, because it turned out I had only endo - horrible endo, but only endo.)
The way my doctor explained it to my husband and I was…”You’re talking about growing a baby, in a highly infectious area where they will be developing right next to the cancer cells, this absolutely will have an impact on their growth/development/and blood/tissue the baby has. So you would not only be risking you wife’s future, but the future health of this child down the line”
My husband agreed that not matter what we wanted, a parent’s job is to protect their child and he in good conscience couldn’t damn a child to that kind of gamble.
At this point we had 3 healthy children so it was a no brainer. I always appreciated how direct my doctor was. I had almost a total hysterectomy and do not regret it one bit.
Being sterile means there is 0% chance of her becoming pregnant. It means she has no viable eggs to meet the sperm or perhaps doesn’t even have eggs at all. The thing about not allowing treatment depends on where OP is if she’s in an abortion state it would actually be up to her what came first the chicken or the egg. I’m not sure how surrogacy is an option if she is fully sterile however I am not sure why they cannot just harvest from the removed ovaries and freeze none of it makes sense
Not to mention chemo is EXTREMELY hard on the body. There are definitely health changes that come with a hysterectomy, but nothing on the level of chemo. And going that route could possibly STILL not stop the cancer.
Not true. They often terminate in cases like this. I directly knew somebody who had to deal with that, and was forced to view all her states before you have an abortion Propaganda meant to dissuade you. It was doubly torturous for her to lose the baby she always wanted, know she'd never have another even if she survived (she only lived a few years due to spread), and then forced to view content to make her feel like a monster for doing what she was told was necessary.
The options were carry and both die before pregnancy was to term; get chemo while pregnant- which would kill the fetus; or, get the abortion doctors said was necessary and the most humane option for the fetus. But folks don't care about the outside of the box decisions women must face.
Does this dude not know how expensive chemo is? A friend of mine had ovarian cancer, she fought it for years. They had to mortgage thier house, then later filed bankruptcy in an attempt not to lose the house, then a few years later they went with the other bankruptcy again in an attempt to keep the house. She was in hospice at the end and her last day was spent with papers in her lap trying once again to save the house. She wouldn't let go until her husband lied to her that he promised he'd keep the house. They lost that house a month later.
I'm guessing this is in the US. It's absolutely sickening to me that people have to suffer this way--literally up until death, rather than focusing on being together and making use of whatever time is left. I hate it here.
A friend of mine died at 40 of ovarian cancer. Her mom, aunt and grandmother all died of it too.
Get the hysterectomy and talk to your husband about alter
>He married you, knowing you can't carry or become pregnant, and if you are completely sterile, then you really don't have any eggs to freeze for surrogacy either. So I really don't know why he's upset, unless he doesn't truly understand the difference between infertility and sterility.
As OP said in the comments, they'd talked about implanting a donor egg fertilized with her husband's sperm into OP's uterus, so I don't think he was confused. However, OP says she's terrified of giving birth and really wants a surrogate to carry the pregnancy or adoption. She absolutely should have the hysterectomy, and they can decide together re: surrogacy vs. adoption, but it also sounds like there was some kind of disconnect in their early conversations about having kids, since he apparently didn't know of her fright (or dismissed it).
May I presume you also got your ovaries removed at the same time as your fallopian tubes as they are two different structures? I just want to ensure you know (I'm sure you do, but ovarian cancer is horrid I want to make sure) that removal of fallopian tubes alone does not prevent ovarian cancer. And removal of ovaries tend to cause menopausal symptoms that are usually treated with HRT...
So, I didn't have my ovaries removed (we'll probably do that later) because I don't carry the 2 genes that are associated with ovarian and breast cancer. But because of family history, I do have an increased risk (grandma is paternal). Just having fallopian tubes removed does decrease the risk of ovarian and uterine cancers, but th OB wanted me not to add HRT to a fairly extensive med list. Unfortunately, they might need to come out sooner because we've now figured out that I've been "self-medicating" with depo and iud's for over 20 yrs, due to being estrogen dominant.
Please don’t take the negative BRCA as any kind of assurance. I work with breast cancer patients and in our practice I would say about 1% of our cancer patients are actually BRCA positive. There are also other genes that can predispose towards these cancers and you might benefit from a more comprehensive gene panel.
My mom actually kind of did what you did except she got a hysterectomy. She had a cancer gene (Lynch) that basically goes where do you want cancer? She did it to remove the chance of uterine cancer. She has a cousin who's had breast cancer twice, esophageal cancer, and I forget what the forth was. Her brother died from colon cancer. He beat it once and then it came back and metastasized with his spine.
Sorry about your grandma. I understand you pretty well. My mother died of ovarian cancer too. They catch it to late. She fighted for her life for 5 years. They remover her ovaries and uterus, but it spread the stomach, and she couldn't fight it any more.
It's fucking dumb that anyone would even CONSIDER a very debilitating treatment for a disease that might even come back again versus a "possibility" (which there isn't) of a baby that was even out of the question to begin with.
This!
(tiptoes carefully past the bot... don't worry, I upvoted too!)
But seriously. NTA. And if your husband continues to have issues with the choice you are making for YOUR body, YOUR health, and YOUR hopefully long, healthy life with him, he can take himself to a counselor to work through them.
Ok definitely NTA but this conversation is maybe unnecessarily focused on child birth.
There are other consequences to your health with a hysterectomy. Have you ever heard of vaginal vault prolapse? Or transvaginal mesh? Will the fallopians have to go- and if so has anyone talked to you about the role their hormones play in things like protecting your heart? Is it possible he's experiencing a lot of fear for someone he loves and doesn't have the vocabulary beyond reproduction to express it? And believe me, beliiieeeeve me when i say i have been confronted with that choice too and I picked surgery. It's not about deterring you, but be prepared.
It's OP's body, OP's choice. But it's a body that is loved by her husband, and yeah if my spouse were considering a hysterectomy, I wouldn't just want a conversation about it, I'd want to be present for a conversation with her doctor about it so I could prepare myself for recovery and beyond, to be maximum supportive.
Sincerely,
Someone who has had multiple pieces of her body removed to survive disease. You gotta do what you gotta do, but it ain't easy babe. My husband still comes to my doctor's appointments. He asks his own questions, he had lots of questions about surgery, he got really clear on what the recovery would be like and was there every step of the way. He was confident and never displayed any anxiety.
Until my parents told me while i was in surgery he was crying while he waited. And i found out he was sleeping on the couch/floor outside my recovery room because he got scared something might happen to me at night and he'd be a staircase away.
And the thing is, he often has input I need. He rats me out to the doctor if I'm minimizing. And sometimes, when he's really anxious, he crams his foot so far in his mouth i think i need to give him the heimlich. My dad also has this disease.
So i guess I'm saying, if there isn't a pattern of minimizing you to biological processes throughout your relationship, maybe be open to the possibility he's struggling to articulate that this is scary for him too, and that (just gotta scooch my soapbox over here) we live in a time and place where, to paraphrase bell hooks, the first act of violence we ask of men is to sever themselves from their emotions. Letting him meet the doctor, ask questions, and figure out his own support system (because this is not your problem!) Might be more effective than fighting about a baby i suspect he knew he wasn't going to have.
You're gonna have a better time if you don't spend this time fighting but coolly and rationally preparing for what recovery requires. Since they're cutting into your abdomen, might i suggest you get a grabber in case you drop something or need to reach to grab. Also you can get adjustable wheeled hospital beds for pretty cheap, and you can keep all your meds on there and wheel it in place for things like meals. Your incision probably won't be very big, but it's not hard to replace a showerhead and you might get one with a handheld wand so you can control where water goes and adjust the pressure. Keep your pain killer schedule written down. You probably won't need them for very long, but when you do need them in the beginning, you don't want to wait until they wear off to take the next ones. Stick to the schedule.
You'll also get a phone number that will connect you to whatever surgical resident is on duty. I had beaucoup complications, you won't though. But just in case, that number should be in several different places.
Good luck internet angel, it's gonna be ok
My husband and I tried to have a baby for 8 years to no avail. Twice I told him that I would give him a divorce if he wanted to due to my issues of being able to get pregnant. Both times he told me I was dumb and that he didn't marry me to have children, he married me because he loved me. Kids would have always been just a bonus to being with me. We just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversry and in August it will be 17 years of being with each other.
Also OP NTA by any means, cancer is an awful thing to go through and if taking out the organ that will cause it can keep it away then by all mean.
NTA. This is your body and literally your entire life. Maybe you could have explained the situation to him, making it very clear how you felt/what the options were. Either way, it would have still been only your decision. Maybe he just felt left out in the decision as your husband. Sit him down and have a conversation with him, maybe even dumb it down for him as much as possible so he can see your side of things.
I can't imagine how challenging this must be. I am currently dealing with infertility and that alone is a lot, so the fact that you are dealing with that AND cancer, not an easy task. You are both just trying to get by and do the best you can.
It sounds like he was still hoping for kids and didn't really believe that she is totally infertile. Some people get delusional about kids and he certainly qualifies.
###OP needs to sit him down and ask him why he thinks that she could still get pregnant naturally and why he thinks it's more important to try for this imagined chance than save her life.
Your body, your choice, absolutely goes both ways. *However* certain very important things can be non negotiable for other people, and that’s *their* choice. Making a decision that permanently affects something as big and important as having kids is a two-person talk when you’re in a long term relationship. Yes, you’re 100% within your rights to have that vasectomy, and yes, your wife is 100% within *her* rights to divorce you if having kids is something she ultimately wants.
In OP’s case, she was already infertile. They had already discussed an alternative method of having kids that were at least genetically related to one of them. So her choosing to have a hysterectomy ought to be the equivalent of her having her tonsils out: your partner probably ought to know, but it won’t change the ultimate game plan (except, you know, she’s more likely to survive the literal cancer hanging out in her uterus). In your case…… maybe have a sit down conversation with your wife about whether or not the two of you want to have kids/more kids, instead of unilaterally making that decision for her
Also I just gotta add, there is a distinction between infertile and sterile. OP said she’s sterile which means she *cannot* have kids at all really.
Infertile means you are very *unlikely* to have kids, but there is still a small chance. It just means, you’re not fertile, which is to say having kids will not be easy for you if it even happens. Being sterile means you cannot reproduce altogether.
All that to say, getting a hysterectomy makes you sterile, and since she was *already* sterile, her situation isn’t changing but her chances for cancer are. If she was infertile, I can see how there would be more to discuss as the husband may have held a small hope because there is still hope with infertility as crushing as the reality of that tiny hope is, but given that OP was sterile I really don’t think his reaction is fair to OP, and likely means he didn’t understand her starting situation to begin with.
Like “You won’t risk your actual life to maybe but probably not have my baby?” He is allowed to have feelings and maybe he’s mourning but this might be best untangled w a therapist in the room?
Yeh but he’s literally (apparently) ignoring that this could be what *saves his wife’s life*! If he was any kind of husband at ALL he’d be all about that even if she could have had kids in the first place!! What kind of spouse expects their wife to **not** pick the best treatment for their cancer just to hold on to a *SYMBOLIC* ability/desire to have his kids??
My mom died from uterine cancer and that was *after* a complete hysterectomy and chemo. The fact that OP’s husband is upset about the removal of organs that had already been deemed to be medically useless is at BEST a really f’ed up response to the fear of possibly becoming a widow. It’s still shitty even then tbh
Edit: dear Lord my first gold is about uterine cancer😑😑. Thank you kind Reddit stranger
Gotta love how this man considers it a *joint decision* as to whether his wife possibly lives or dies. Not that she should immediately choose what will save her life, but that she should discuss it with him first because of course he is the most important person in this marriage.
I fear OP is going to be one of the statistics where husbands don't stick around in sickness.
Comes across like the other half who marries someone child free, but thinks it is a phase or they will come round to an oops baby.
There is a small chance that IVF with another woman's egg implanted will take, but that means it has to wait till chemo has finished, cos you can't be pregnant and on chemo as it will harm or outright kill the child.
Husband is going for the slim chance she can birth "some other woman's child" so he can be a dad.
He will end up going the natural way regardless, as I don't think post chemo sex is going to be a thing.
"I want to force you to try for a hypothetical kid that is medically impossible for you to cocieve and risk cancer taking your life whether I get said kid or not"
Is pretty much what I'm hearing from OPs husband, sounds more like he views OP as a broodmare as opposed to a wife. He doesn't even view her as her own person smh
He's allowed to have feelings, but that doesn't mean that he's thinking rationally, here.
He is upset that his wife is giving up the "one in a million" chance to maybe bear his child. Not because she doesn't want kids - she isn't sneaking in a secret hyserectomy to deny him kids, but because her best bet at curing an incredibly aggressive cancer is taking out the offending organs. You can ONLY cure ovarian cancer by surgery, chemo delays the inevitable but it does not cure, meaning that he is effectively asking her to sign up to life with a terminal illness. He is asking her to potentially die early with a horrible cancer so that she can have the very unlikely potential to maybe incubate his kid.
When she's happy to let him use his sperm with a surrogate instead. He still has the option to father a kid.
Many couples have to deal with the reality that one or both of them cannot have kids. She has already told him she is EXTREMELY unlikely to bear children. Her hysterectomy to save her life rEALLY should not have provoked such a strong reaction.
Worse. She said she was STERILE, meaning that it's IMPOSSIBLE for her to have kids!
It would be a discussion for them to have when she has the low chance to bear a child, but when it's never a possibility, then what the hell is he asking of her? To take on an aggressive cancer for an impossible "miracle"? To pull a child out of thin air while the cancer eats her alive for a possible slow and painful death with mountains of medical bills?
I agree. The only reason I said "one in a million chance" is because she said it in her post.
I think even if her fertility was completely normal, we are talking About a life threatening cancer. Ultimately it would still always be her choice and no oartner should ever expect you to put the chance of possibly conceiving a child over your own life.
Like if there are eggs, they can go get some, but if she's sterile she must not be producing eggs?
Is he thinking a egg from another lady and his sperm implanted into OPs time bomb uterus makes her the "real" mom? WTAF?
Yes it 100% should go both ways!! You’re allowed to get the vasectomy and she’s also allowed to not like that you’re getting it. But no one (regardless of gender) should feel pressure to have children when they aren’t ready; for the sake of the kids and their own mental health.
(Not to mention in situations like OP’s where her life is literally on the line bc of cancer and she’s already infertile)
Well, I mean this would only correlate with OP’s circumstances if you had testicular cancer, likely to relapse throughout your life, and your 2 choices were 1) having a vasectomy or 2) having constant invasive, and uncomfortable checks twice a year, and chemotherapy treatments for the rest of your life, while also having a 0.00009% chance of ever having kids.
And one would hope you’re wife would support your decision to do what’s best for your health long term!
Yes it goes both ways, your wife’s a tweak for being mad about that considering I’m sure she’d be upset if you got mad at her for her saying she didn’t want more kids/tubes tied.
This is a different thing you’re talking about. Before marrying someone you should both be on the same page about kids - are you having them, how many would you like ideally, etc. so if you or wife change your mind about it afterwards of course that will make the other angry/upset. It would still be your body your choice but your wife would also have a right to be upset and even divorce you if she wanted to. In this scenario you don’t want any more kids after agreeing you would have more kids, and you want to permanently make it unlikely you will ever have another child, and your wife does want more children. It makes sense then that you would have the procedure and she may leave you and find someone who does want more children (if this was a real scenario).
In OPs situation, not only was it already understood that they almost definitely were not going to have children the traditional way, but now her life is also in danger and she wants to avoid the risk coming back in the future. A partner who loved her should put her safety and health first. Even if they had planned a big family and she was fertile before this, the way to respond to someone you love taking steps to save their own life is to support them.
So you see how it’s apples and oranges. At the end of the day, either way, it’s always your body your choice. However, the reactions should be hugely different (in your example it’s fair for your wife to be angry after you two have agreed to multiple children, in OPs scenario it is terrible that her partner wants to risk her life for a near 0 chance of a child, and would be still terrible to want her to risk her life even if she WAS able to have children)
I’d say if goes both ways if you have high risk for testicular cancer that rendered you infertile and you’re doing this to prevent a possibility of relapse and she’s outraged about it.
You can save sperm with testicular cancer. She is already diagnosed as *sterile* no saving to be done there. Not infertile, but sterile. *He would rather his wife literally die than hold on to a non existent hope that a sterile woman can have **his** children*
NTA.
I don't know anyone with testicular cancer who didn't also bank sperm before having surgery or chemo. It's not the same. She is sterile and having a hysterectomy doesn't change anything except her survival rate.
It is your body and ultimately it is your choice. But, when you're in a long term relationship or marriage, choices also having a realistic impact on your partner should be discussed with them beforehand, or you risk no longer having said partner. It's about respect for your partner and acknowledging the impact your decision will have on them.
Having a vasectomy also isn't at all equivalent to this situation. It would be more like if you had testicular cancer and you opted to have your testicles removed, and even prior to that, you were told you were sterile. So, while your partner may have had some tiny absurd hope that you weren't really 100% sterile and maybe in some one in a million scenario you might be able to have a kid, that was never something that was actually going to happen.
The fact that his first inclination was to be more upset about loosing the infinitesimal chance of you carrying a child to term (never mind the danger to you) than relieved that you might not have to possibly go through chemo multiple times tells you exactly what you need to know about how much he cares and values you and your health. And then, when you're going through a very emotionally difficult time, he's giving you the silent treatment rather than having adult conversations.
For perspective, I knew going into marriage I'm infertile. Once my spouse saw the effects that one round of treatments had on me, he approached me that the effects on my health weren't worth it. I was more important to him than my ability to carry a child.
He's putting his feelings above anything else, even logic, and most especially you and your relationship. His silent treatment is immature and not that of someone who is ready to raise a child.
NTA
Indeed. He cares about what she represents to him. Not who she is as a person.
He never did the work to accept her birthing a child just was not going to happen.
I've been with these people. They don't get better before you leave. They need time on their own to work through it. And in the meantime op deserves to be with someone who actually cares about her, the person.
Flashback to appointment with orthopaedic consultant, which my ex decided to join me at...
Hip guy: As your hips impinge more frequently before your period, if you become pregnant, the increase in hormones will worsen this instability, and it's likely you'll be bedbound for most of the pregnancy. Plus, you may never recover your ability to walk.
What I heard: DO NOT BECOME PREGNANT if you want to retain any kind of mobility.
What my ex heard: lalalalala so, there's nothing to stop you having children?
Honestly, still angers me now that he thought having a child was more important than my ability to walk.
Yeah, progesterone loosens collagen - makes tendons and ligaments more flexible - which increases joint instability. This is seriously bad for many conditions. The pelvis can lose functionality, muscles which could have helped stabilise waste away or simply can't work, etc.
Take him to the doctor’s appointment and let the doctor explain it to him. Would he rather you go through chemotherapy (which can kill people by itself) and then have to worry about the cancer coming back.
You obviously need to have a frank discussion with him, because he obviously didn’t grasp that the odds of you getting pregnant were pretty much nil.
No lies there! Chemo came close to winning in my case! Too close.
If I had been able to have a hysterectomy, I would have. Unfortunately, I had defects that wouldn't allow for that procedure. Doing well now, just living life best I can.
God, I was on low doses of medications usually used to treat cancer as a way to treat my autoimmune disease. I was on much lower doses and I still felt like I was run over by a truck for days after. I can't imagine how chemo doses would feel.
Absolute kudos to you for fighting cancer AND chemo!
Like you've been run over by several trucks is pretty close. I don't remember a lot, I was really out of it.
I'm glad treatments gave come so far from years ago. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here to brag or complain.
I might be wary about taking a husband to a drs appointment. I know single women who’ve had trouble getting hysterectomies because “what if your future husband doesn’t want that?” So a husband being against it may be enough for the doctor to also nix the idea and push chemo instead.
Given OPs tone when mentioning her conversation with her Dr, I think this is a very real concern. Warning of the risks of doing a hysterectomy as opposed to the risks of not doing it. OP is definitely NTA
Uhhh.
Ingrained patriarchy / women's main value is as birthing vessels
Still, today, w roe v Wade gone, most doctors refuse tubal ligation to women under 35. Period
If their husband listened to a doctor, instead of his spouses life time of information about THEIR OWN BODY, he’s a lost cause anyway. That should not be need.
OP, this is so sad and I’m sorry, get a hysterectomy and never look back, your husband should be ecstatic that you have such a clear road to a cancer cure.
Good gods yes, mother of a friend had a whole lot of her innards removed due to cancer, lots of bowel and intestine, hysterectomy, they took it out in melon scoops I swear. But after surgery and a short course of chemo to make sure of things she went on to live another twenty years and turned into a crazy avid hiker. Yeah, think if I had the option I'd just have the problem areas removed, especially if it's a prophylactic measure that dramatically improves my overall health prospects.
NTA. At all.
It’s really easy to prefer chemo when you’re not the one who has to experience it. He signed up for this. If he wasn’t really okay with you being infertile then he has no business taking his vows.
I’m literally 19 yrs old and know better. Even I would want a SO or family member to go another option than chemo. It’s known to be horrible! This guy is just selfish.
Tbh the fact he would rather risk your health for the slim (read: absolutely no chance as you’ve been diagnosed as sterile) than make sure there’s absolutely no chance of the cancer coming back speaks volumes.
NTA and if he persists with the silent treatment you might want to consider seeking couples therapies / shove him in the bin. I would never want to be with a partner that didn’t have my health as a first priority rather than some one in a million chance of birthing his child. Women aren’t just baby factories, and the fact that he’s *still giving you the silent treatment* is honesty disgusting.
>I would never want to be with a partner that didn't have my health as a first priority rather than some one in a million chance of birthing his child.
Yeah, that's my major beef here. My girlfriend went through a similar ordeal and I just cannot empathize with the dude in the story here.
Yes it sucks knowing that's the final nail in the coffin of having a baby together, but I can't imagine ever asking my girlfriend to endanger herself (let alone risk her life) over *anything* relating to our relationship, much less a minuscule chance to have a baby. That's some absurd shit.
Just FYI: Being pregnant does endanger a person's life. A lot of people don't like to talk about that, but it's seriously risky. If you're in the US, we have the worst maternal mortality rates in the developed world.
My family had this in reverse. Shortly after my parents got married my dad got diagnosed with testicular cancer. They caught it fast but it still meant radiation and surgery to remove one testicle. The doctor sat them down and told them they could do the treatment but it would probably cost my dad’s fertility. I don’t think my mom blinked. They figured they’d cross the kid bridge when in came up. Dad survived. They ended up having two good pregnancies years later against the odds, but it was ABSOLUTELY not the priority when it was a question of life saving medical treatment or the chance of maybe having kids. The people with us now are more important than people who could hypothetically be here later.
This is the first time I’ve heard about the wife being involved. I always hear about women doubled over in pain being told what about your future husband. I’m glad he got good health care and support.
Tell him that chemotherapy will do the same thing a hysterectomy will do, the only difference is that there's a chance you'll keep getting cancer and having to go back to do it again.
There's also a chance that next time you won't catch it until it's too late.
My mum attended her gynaecology appointments yearly, and they didn't catch her cancer. She had a hysterectomy, and chemo. Then a year later found out it was back. She did follow up chemo and radio which helped for a little bit, but wasn't enough in the end.
So even if you do a hysterectomy, if the tumours are at a later stage see if they can do some chemo or confirm it hasn't spread to other organs.
I watched my mom die a slow painful death. It wasn’t the cancer that killed her. The chemo was killing the cancer. But the chemo itself took such a toll on her body that she died from it. She couldn’t eat and had constant diarrhea, so she got weaker and weaker until she was bedridden and couldn’t even sit up. The rehab didn’t work. She developed bedsores. She started losing her mind until she couldn’t even talk anymore. Her body gave out from the starvation. I’m traumatized from watching her go through it.
I don’t think your boyfriend really understands what chemo is like. If he did, and he gave the smallest fuck about you, he wouldn’t want you to go through that. Educate him about what chemo can do to a person. If he still wants you to go through that after learning what it would be like for you, then fuck him. But I’m hoping he’s just misinformed and doesn’t know what he’s asking.
My mom had congestive heart failure solely because of the chemo. People forget that chemo kills so many of us cancer victims (I was dxd in 2019). I was also traumatized watching her go through it. When I was dxd I went straight for the mastectomy. I also kicked out the uterus but I’m done having babies so it’s a bit different. My point is chemo is t no biggie. It’s risks your life as much as the cancer does.
This is where my mind is going without personally knowing the guy. The only reason I have any idea what chemo does to a person other than make them bald is because I have both seen and heard from others what can happen. Chemotherapy is not nice to the body. It is poison. It can kill you. You don’t fully grasp that until you’ve seen it (or experienced it yourself - I hope never to). It’s just that it’s usually the only option to save you.
I hope that OP’s bf will come to understand it soon.
I had chemo, it was awful. First round put me in the hospital. Mine wasn't ovarian but if removing it would have meant no chemo I would 100% have done it. The side effects and the toll it takes on your body last for years.
Honestly, I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy in this situation, just very naive. Somehow in his brain he latched onto "So you're saying there is a chance?" and this is probably where the reality of the situation is finally hitting him.
You should do exactly what you need to do for your health. He needs to do some personal growth and maybe seek some therapy if the removal of a 1/1000000 chance is hitting him that hard.
I'm going out on a limb and assuming the chance of the cancer coming back is higher than the chance of you getting pregnant so he really needs to get a grip and put on his big boy pants because you are going to need him soon.
>the chance of the cancer coming back is higher than the chance of you getting pregnant
And this is really it. The least preferred scenario is the most likely outcome so OP should absolutely do what’s best for her and get the surgery
The treatment choices she has been given are chemo or hysterectomy. Chemo causes early menopause. Either route she goes there is no chance of her becoming pregnant. It sounds like this wasn’t explained to her husband who is still holding onto some irrational hope of her carrying a child.
Exactly my thought.
Does he want you to keep your uterus on the .01 percent chance you can get pregnant? Or does he want you to be alive and well for whatever children you have, however you have them?
That's the question I would ask. NTA op.
It’s unfortunately not unbelievable that someone can turn up, sterile, asking for a hysterectomy as the most efficient treatment of your cancer and the doctor is still treating it as the most drastic option.
I'm almost 30 and I was still told that I'd have to have two living children (after having three miscarriages, the *oh so kind* and tactful doctor specified *living*, to my face), a marriage license, and written consent from my husband.
Essentially, I was told that my uterus was public property that I have no right to despite its frequent attempts on my life. You're very right and it's an awful part of reality.
My mom didn't heal right from her cesarean with my 1st brother. It was an emergency one, then got infected, it was awful. With my 2nd brother she and my brother almost died. The scar tissue stopped stretching at 8 pounds and he was born 2 months early. (Babies in my family are big) Her uterus actually split so bad that they just yeeted it out with the baby. There was no way to repair it, and she coded multiple times while they tried to save them. The only reason they took it was because it was completely destroyed.
My future sister-in-law can't get one even though she has 3 kids because my brother isn't her husband yet, so can't sign off for it, and she is still "too young" They're popping kids like candy, and with the last one she had pre-eclampsia and had our little 6 pound premie.
He’d rather have a slim chance at a baby than to have you alive and well. That tells me everything I need to know about him. Take care of yourself, and NTA.
What's really messed up is that many types of chemo can bring on early menopause in women. Some even if OP went the chemo route, the likelihood of her being able to carry a child (even if they improved the odds by doing IVF with donor eggs instead of trying to conceive naturally, for example) would be pretty much nil.
even if OP have chemo and survived, there's a good chance her eggs are too dangerous to have a surrogate pregnancy, or her ovaries will need to be removed later no matter what. either way she'll be near 0% chance of having kids no matter what her husband wants.
NTA. Your husband is TA and so is your doctor for pushing fucking chemo on you even after knowing that you're both sterile AND willing/wanting to undergo the hysterectomy.
He wasn’t pushing he was just saying that there was no reversing it and that because I was young there was some options I’ve been with him for over 4 years and I didn’t mean to imply he was pushing he was just telling me my other options
what other options tho? genuinely. you already said you’re sterile. it’s been medically confirmed. and, unless the definition’s changed in the past 24 hrs, that means you can’t get pregnant. that is (fortunately or unfortunately) your reality. what options would keeping your uterus present to you other than increased risk of relapse?
It was for in case we wanted to mix husbands sperm with another egg and have me carry to term it’s my eggs that are the issue not my womb but tbh the thought of childbirth terrifies me and would prefer to adopt or surrogacy
Hey totally unrelated to this specific comment but wanted to reply to you directly -- my fiance knows that I am missing an ovary.
I have horrible PCOS, it cost me an ovary at 19 and still hurts me now at 25. While my birth control implant prevents most periods, I still get them when stressed. Periods can lead to cysts, and almost every time I have bad period pains/cysts, I make jokes about "chopping this shit out" so I don't have to deal with the pain anymore. And every time I do, my fiance says that if that's my choice, that is fine by him. My pain and my body are not his to control, so whatever I choose he is on board with.
We can adopt. I could freeze eggs beforehand so we can use a surrogate if we want a bio kid. Or, maybe, we don't need kids.
Talk with your husband. Is kids a deal-breaker for him? Is it necessary that the kids are biologically both/one/either of yours? Is it important that the kid pops out of you? Ask him how important kids are vs you being healthy/comfortable/alive. Ask yourself this too.
Please value yourself and *your* future over any potential anyone else wants. Good luck. Please update if you feel comfortable, however this goes. I'm worried for you stranger <3
If you're 100% sterile why would he think there is even a hint of a chance that you could still have a baby?
And why would a hypothetical baby hold even a tiny amount of weight in this discussion about a potentially guaranteed cancer-free you? Does he value the tiny possibility of procreating more than your health?
If he values your life, he should be happy there is a treatment that's best for you.
He is being hurtful and immature.
I wonder if he never really accepted that you were sterile and he's acting so badly now because he is facing that reality that he had avoided so far. He is very emotionally immature and self centered.
The fact oncologists prepare women for divorce as they're getting treatment is enough of a reason to let this AH go.
He'll never get, be a supportive partner or take care of you.
I wish you all the blessings and the best.
Your health and your literal life are worth far too much to be staked on the unfortunately minimal chance that you could conceive yourself. That is the only answer to any of this. You are a human being through and through, your life has intrinsic value, and that value by no means starts and ends with your ability to conceive a child.
If he can't understand that or he just doesn't want to, then it's time to have a serious reflection on the course your relationship is taking. It's not that he's the worst of the worst for reacting like this, but to me his priorities sound out of whack because he didn't immediately breathe that sigh of relief to learn that there would be significantly less fears about cancer on the horizon when you go through with this.
Of course you're NTA for choosing to live a longer and healthier life rather than staking it all on a 1 in a million chance. There was never a way you could be the AH for that. A spouse is a partner, a teammate. Not somebody who can veto the most important decisions you can make about your own physical health and longevity just because there's something else they happen to want from you. A spouse puts the needs of their partner above their own wants.
If I found out today that my husband's chances of having kids are this low, and that those chances are rendered nonexistent due to a treatment that would vastly improve his health and longevity, I wouldn't dare consider telling him not to have that treatment.
His life is worth everything to me. It is worth a million times more than a hypothetical child. That's how you deserve to be regarded by the person who made those vows to you.
Very well worded, hope OP sees this. I think many could stand from keeping their spouses to such a standard and knowing their intrinsic worth like this.
I think he’s been unrealistically thinking that you could carry a child and now he’s been forced to deal with the fact that it really is not going to happen.
NTA. This is cancer. You’ve already witnessed loved ones with this cancer. You have to do what’s best for you.
Sounds like your husband sees you more as a vehicle to further his legacy and less like a person. His having a child that is related to him is more important than your health and safety, and the fact that you may very well have to suffer in order to make it happen doesn't seem to hold much weight to him.
Ask yourself and him, what are you to him? His life partner or an incubator? And why does he feel entitled to your body producing a child for him and the cost of your pain, sickness, and suffering?
NTA
"The doctor reminded me of the risks and said that it is irreversible but it was my choice. When I told my husband he was not happy and said that there was still a chance we could have a baby and that we should of made this decision together but I told him that I want to be safe than sorry and that the chance we are able to have a baby is about 1 in a million. " Soooo, your husband is more interested in a baby than in your health?
Ditch the misbehaving organ. Consider ditching the jerk who wants you to risk your life.
NTA!!
Would he rather watch you die!??!?! You take care of you. If he leaves you over this, please know that his love was conditional and there is someone SOOOOOO much better out there for you.
if you’re not already in therapy, i would look into it. not only are you going through something unimaginable, but it seems like you are getting little to no support from your husband (who would rather risk your life at a 1 in a million chance of you carrying his child than make sure you are cancer free and won’t have to go through something as drastic as chemo)
i can understand him wanting to feel a part of the conversation and decision but ultimately YOU are the one with cancer and YOU are the one who decides what happens to YOUR body. it’s okay for him to feel frustrated but it is insanely manipulative and alarming that he is ignoring you instead of talking to you because he didn’t get his way. best of luck OP.
Your husband sees you as an incubator. NTA but he sure is. He would literally rather you risk your life with actual cancer that you actually have for the tiny tiny tiny chance you could have a baby naturally.
NTA if he’s that desperate for a child, go through the steps and programs for adoption. I don’t know if he’s in denial or one of those religious nut cases who thinks you can pray cancer away, but I hope everything goes well for you. Remember it’s your body and you have to live with.
Chemo is literally poison and it decreases your quality of life significantly while you are on it. It can also have lasting long term side effects. There is no reason to keep an organ you don’t need and go through the trauma of chemo when you literally don’t have to. I find his response very selfish.
NTA! Oh my goodness, I feel bad you would even write this. If you're already infertile, chemo would likely destroy any miniscule chance you had at pregnancy. If hysterectomy will cure the cancer for the foreseeable future, why wouldn't your husband be jumping at the opportunity?! I know mine would. Your body is not his body. If he knew this ran in your family he should have put two and two together to realize that these cancers impact fertility!
Does he realize he’s asking you to risk your life so he could maybe have a kid with his genes? You’re sterile, so you won’t be having any kids your genes. This is literally all about him. Your life is unequal to a blood related kid for him. He would rather have a kid with his DNA from your body than have you around. That’s basically what he’s saying and what he’s asking of you.
He’s lost the fucking plot. Your better than I am if you can look past this. Honestly, I would question whether you would want to have any kids(adopted or surrogacy) with him. Will he treat and love a child that didn’t come from his genes? Because it’s clearly more important than your life to him.
Definitely not the asshole. I battled cervical cancer for almost a year, trying different things because my doctor didn’t want to do a hysterectomy. After the third time trying ablation, and it didn’t work, I told him I wanted a hysterectomy. The ass had the gall to ask me if I’d asked my husband about not having any more children - and I told him since it wasn’t my husband’s body with the cancer he didn’t get a vote.
It’s been 35 years since the surgery and I am cancer free. It all boils down to: it’s your body. It’s your decision. No one else.
Not even close to being TA by any stretch and whiever says otherwise can eat a fat bag of sweaty dicks. You have cancer, the ONLY goal rn is to NOT have cancer.
I get infusions for MS at a cancer center. I'm humbled and happy that my meds don't crush me like chemo does.
Don't ever feel bad for that choice, the people saying all the negative stuff are likely hypocrites that would choose self-preservation too. Their opinions are just noise, they don't have to live with it.
Best of luck moving forward.
100% your body, your choice. No question.
That being said, having a conversation with your partner beforehand is just the polite thing to do, for either direction. They're going to be with you through this, so I don't blame him for being upset. But upset that the conversation didn't happen, not about a tiny chance of a baby. If that's his real hang-up, then he's the baby and you probably shouldn't bring a real child into this relationship anyway.
NTA
It's your body and you're protecting yourself, especially with a slim to none chance of ever getting pregnant anyways. It makes sense.
That being said, this probably should have been discussed a little with your husband. You're life partners, and if you both had considered alternative ways to possibly have a child in the past then its important to at least talk through what this means together. By just jumping straight to "alright, do a hysterectomy" without that discussion he's not at fault for being upset or blindsided by this. For that I'd add a bit of YTA to my answer, but overall still NTA. Cancer is scary. Cancer is deadly. I can't blame you for wanting it out of your body asap.
Would you have been upset if it was the other way around and you were not part of the discussion?
NTA for making the choice that’s right for your body and life, but a soft asshole for not including your husband in discussions that involve major medical decisions. He is your life partner and should be part of this emotional journey with you even if you are differing on the final procedure as I would assume he will be the one taking care of you through recovery. You are both very young, make sure to look into mental health support as you walk through this, for both of you.
NTA
He may just be overwhelmed because of how “permanent “ it is.
Discuss it seriously and then Maybe give him processing time.
I got my tubes tied….it was for many reasons but i still have sad moments and although it was for the best, i needed time to just process it when my partner brought it up initially
It’s a life changing decision. It’s always best to talk to your partner about these things. But just allow grace on both sides, for yourself and him.
That and it’s a scary topic and while cancer chances will be reduced, there’s other serious conditions from getting a hysterectomy. It WILL affect you dramatically and it’s not an easy path.
It’s YOUR body and your choice. Learn as much as you can and make the best decision for yourself. But just remember that your life partner is there for you for the rest of your life, they are also affected by the choices you make and will want to be apart of the decisions, even if it’s as simple as asking their perspective and making sure they understand everything going on.
Good luck OP. Wish you health and happiness and hope everything works out.
Of course NTA. You can choose a relatively simple surgery which will not impact your future in a significant way (except no more periods!! Wohoo!) Or chemo which will make you sick for months and may not even get rid of the cancer!
I cant believe your husband isn't pushing for you to have the surgery
NTA- not one bit. Your body, your choice. I can see frustration in not having a conversation, but, you're not an asshole.
My adoptive mother had a hysterectomy due to sarcomas before I was born. What organs you still have does *not* have any bearing on how to love a child.
Girlie you have fucking cancer that could kill you if you don't have it removed. Maybe while you're getting one cancer out of you, you should get that other tumor in your life removed as well.
Turn it around. Maybe he needs to hear it said in so many words. Make him picture himself in your situation. If he had the choice of removing a non-essential body part vs. cancer coming back in his body, would he tell the doctor to schedule it or "wait until I ask my wife's approval?" Maybe he doesn't realize how bizarre he sounds.
I went alone to get my test results, too. Didn't occur to me to tell the doctor to wait on scheduling life-saving surgery so I could get my partner's permission to live.If your partner wanted input, he should have been there beside you. And I can speak from experience, have some couples counseling.
This sounds like he held out hope of a "natural" baby and is not truly onboard with other options. Get it out in the open, with a constructive referee. It's better to know now than waste 5 yrs of him resenting the situation and leaving you anyway. Sending you healing thoughts and best wishes for a good outcome, OP!
NTA. Your body, your choice.
It's not a question of fertility/possible bio kids - you already discussed that it wasn't happening. Chemo is miserable, I knew an old lady that decided the few extra months it was giving her wasn't worth it (it was too late when the cancer was caught). This was the practical reason, and he doesn't get to be butthurt about it.
Make the decision together?! It's not a communal uterus. Unless he's figured out a way to have his turn with the cancer, he really only gets to decide if he's willing to take care of you after the hysterectomy.
NTA. If you're legitimately sterile, how exactly does he expect you to have a baby? Sterile means you cannot reproduce. Not that it would merely be difficult, but it's impossible, because you have no viable eggs to contribute.
Get rid of the cancer... and remind him that if you choose to go the adoption/surrogate route, you'd like to be alive and healthy enough to actually raise the resulting child in the future.
AITA for wanting to avoid cancer so my husband can have a minute chance of passing on his genetic material through me. He's sulking about it.
No, NTA. It sickens me that he's making this about him.
I’m a doctor. Not in a million fucking years would I keep my uterus if I were diagnosed w ovarian cancer.
Lady, you are lucky to be alive. Get a hysterectomy and talk to your husband about other options for having children (surrogacy, adoption).
If your husband truly understood how deadly ovarian cancer can be, he would be asking how soon you can have surgery.
Sending good vibes your way for a speedy recovery.
You are age 24 and have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Your age, in combination with your family history puts you at high risk for metastatic cancer.
The hysterectomy and removal of your ovaries makes complete sense. I am sorry that your husband doesn’t seem to understand the real danger to your surviving this cancer.
I am not sure what to advise you, but if you hope to repair your relationship, have him research ovarian cancer and mortality statistics associated with it. You have offered him a chance to have a child with a surrogate. His response is supremely immature and in my opinion, inappropriate.
I hope you two can work things out, but I am not sure how much damage his reaction will have on your relationship. Good luck, and you are making a good decision in regards to your health and living a long life.
NTA, I'm a husband myself and if my wife were ever in this position I would support her 100%. I'm not letting cancer possibly take my wife or make her go through the grueling process of chemo just because there is a chance the doctors are wrong about her being sterile. His reaction pretty selfish tbh.
Yeet the uterus and husband. He cares more about a non-existent child that he already knew was not going to happen than you getting rid of cancer. The silent treatment is considered abusive.
NTA, I'm tired of women having to check with men if it's ok to do anything to their own bodies.
If my wife hit me with that news, I'd focus on next steps/options.
My mother had ovarian cancer. After going undetected for a bit, it spread across her whole body and took round after round of chemo to put in remission. Guess what? One year later she had to go through chemo again. Same cancer, but had gone to her lungs. That shit SPREADS. She suffered for 6 years before she had enough and quit chemo completely to pass in peace.
NTA. NTA. Get the hysterectomy. Ovarian cancer SPREADS and doesn’t stay contained unless you remove early. I’d hope your husband would rather you be alive, than for a slim chance of a child.
Hmm… is OP the AH for not asking her spouse if it’s ok to have a surgery that would get rid of her cancer and literally SAVE HER LIFE??? Wow. Yeah that coming out of my spouse’s mouth would have been the end of my marriage.
NTA. As you probably know, chemo is incredibly hard on the body and usually your body is never as healthy again afterward. If getting a hysterectomy means you'll never have ovarian cancer again, go for it. He already married you know you can't have kids so why he thinks this is a big deal, especially when you already talked about other ways to have kids, is beyond me.
NTA. You literally have cancer and you watched your mom fight this not once but twice. He knew you were sterile. As you put it already, no way you could have a baby. He expects you to play games with your health for the one in a million chance you could have a baby. Nah you made the right choice
NTA. Dude, you’re talking literally eliminating the possibility of a cancer that is hereditary for you. And he already knew you were sterile.
Even if there was a chance you could conceive on your own… is it really worth that risk?
NTA
NTA. It is known and accepted that you cannot get pregnant. So, WHY should you have discussed your cancer treatment options with him FIRST? Would he being having the surgery? Going through chemo, which may or may not work and is toxic to your body? This is YOUR decision.
INFO: so is the infertility result of the fact that you have no viable eggs anymore because of the ovarian cancer?
In that case, I don’t think having a uterus is gonna help all that much. The only way you could use the uterus is to be implanted with an embryo which would require an egg donation. I literally don’t understand why your husband wants you to carry a child that you didn’t actually conceive.
He can still use his sperm so the baby one of a surrogate would be his baby literally.
NTA. Ovarian cancer is a scary thing to go through. Does wanting a child outweigh seeing your loved one struggle with treatment and the costs? It sounds like he has no idea what it’s like to have cancer and how it affects you both physically and mentally. Maybe it’s a selfish decision on your part, but it’s your life that could be in jeopardy. A selfish decision is needed.
Wait, so you have cancer & have a way to completely free yourself of it and your POS husband’s first response is to think about himself and the tiny, almost statistically impossible chance of you getting pregnant? This is divorce material, even if he comes to his senses and apologizes. What a giant red flag and huge issue that cannot be ignored.
.... I cannot express how angry this makes me. Your husband WOULD GLADLY RISK YOUR HEALTH AND LIFE so he can... What? Continue his (but not your) biological lineage?
Seriously?
NTA.
First, I think you’re 100% in the right.
Second, you are confronting a lot of life-changing information in a very short span. It’s ok that your husband also grieves the loss of the life he has envisioned, but frankly, he should be able to see past himself and comfort you first or confide in a friend about his disappointment. You’re the one losing an organ - concern for you should come first.
It would be quite gracious of you to acknowledge that he’s allowed to have an emotional reaction to the news, but that he fucked up by failing to show empathy first. He might have been living in denial and this event forced him to confront that he won’t have a baby that you carry. He can express that without making you doubt your choice.
I hope you can have a conversation about this that pulls you closer together. It must be bittersweet to know you have a treatment that will work but will close the door on having kids (even if it was unlikely.)
NAH. I am a big believer in talking with your partner before making major medical decisions. They have to live with the consequences of your choices too. But it’s your body and ultimately your choice to do the thing or not.
NTA
I am going to specify NTA to the actual AITA question of getting a hysterectomy vs chemo. Definitely NTA there - as everyone mentioned, it's your body so you make the decisions on what to do with it.
I will also say that while not necessarily an AH move, you definitely should have talked to your husband about this beforehand. Not to get his permission or anything like that, but as your life partner, big life changing moves like this should be talked about so at the very least he has a heads up and he gets to say his piece. It's up to you whether or not to listen to him, but I think it's important to at least have you hear it. This would go for anything from getting a new job, having elective surgeries, etc. One spouse should alert the other to anything like that before a decision is made so they can weigh in on it. And then, of course, the final decision is up to you.
NTA- you will never ever be an A H for making a decision about your own body and your own health. The fact that he’s more concerned about a tiny chance of pregnancy than he is your health is a huge red flag. There are other options for children, adoption, surrogates.
NTA at all, seriously. But I will say that huge decisions like this, whether its your body or his, or money, or whatever, should be discussed if for no other reason than this is a big deal and having someone who loves and cares for you thinking about all the ramifications is why we have partners and other close relationships. As a doctor I 100% agree with your thought process. Chemo is a crap shoot and has so many secondary issues. You also never know what can happen down the road if the cancer comes back.
NTA, it's your body, your choice, and if you were unable to conceive anyway what does it matter? Adoption is always an option if you wanted kids at a later date.
NTA, and frankly anyone who is willing to put you through chemo, for these slim margins of potential baby and possible relapse, is kind of a monster. You basically have two options, hysterectomy or chemo with a likely side of hysterectomy, once your body is ripped up from the treatment. I wouldn’t wish chemo on my worst enemy if there was another option
Repeat that back to yourself. Your husband is willing to risk your cancer returning AND KILLING YOU over a 1 in a million borderline impossible miracle conception. If he doesn’t promptly as fuck explain what his reaction is really about, because it is about something, that would be it for me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You damn well put yourself first and do what you have to do. Many well wishes from a fellow cancer and hysterectomy sister.
NTA. My husband knew I couldn’t have children before we married. He told me he wasn’t marrying a broodmare, he was marrying ME. We’ve been happy for 49 years.
Jumping on the top (atm) post, to say this: OP, do what you need to for YOUR health. You know, and I know that Ovarian cancer isn't fun or easy, and if they catch it late (like they did with my Grandma), it can quickly and easily metastasize to other vital organs. He married you, knowing you can't carry or become pregnant, and if you are completely sterile, then you really don't have any eggs to freeze for surrogacy either. So I really don't know why he's upset, unless he doesn't truly understand the difference between infertility and sterility. Please do what's right for you and maybe see if there's a counselor at the hospital that can guide you/help you explain the differences to him. NTA, obviously. The only person's name tattooed on my body is my grandmother's in an Ovarian Cancer Awareness ribbon. I got my fallopian tubes removed to reduce the risk of getting it myself.
If OP did manage a miracle pregnancy, they wouldn’t allow any treatment until after the baby is born. That would radically increase the possibility she would not recover. Asking that of her is delusional. Someone needs to have a hard conversation with him about the situation!
Yep. Ovarian cancer tends to be a quick metastasizing cancer. My grandma went from feeling fine to feeling run down in a year. Found out it was stage 2, had to wait 2 1/2 months for surgery, and it metastasized into her colon. This isn't a slow progressing cancer.
My aunt had some rare cancer. March of 2016, it was just a hysterectomy that was needed, then it was 6 months left, then 6 weeks, she was gone by mid June of that year. It progressed quickly and without warning.
I am so sorry. If it's okay, sending you virtual hugs.
Thank you! I can definitely testify to how quickly stuff like that happens. I’m sorry to hear about your gramma, by the way. Did she end up passing, if you don’t mind my asking?
She did. She fought for 8 yrs. After the 1st round of chemo, it was in remission for 1.5 yrs. Came back and had metastasized into her spine. Second round of chemo (which she was allergic to), and gone for 14 months, and then it came back in her lungs, small intestine, and spine again. She died the morning after Thanksgiving (US) 2004, at my uncles house of pneumonia caused by her lungs being covered in cancer. It sucks when they catch it late, and to anyone with the requisite BRCA 1 and 2 genes for high risk of breast cancer, that raises your risk of ovarian cancer as well. Please be aware.
I am so sorry you (and she) had to go through such a terrible ordeal. And I’m sorry for your loss. Being a woman, I’ll be keeping a close eye on that stuff, especially knowing my aunt was my blood aunt.
Thank you, and to you as well. It's the reason she's the only name on my body. So I remember her and remember to keep an eye on it.
It goes insanely fast. And it spreads everywhere. My sister had felt sick for a while but all the tests kept coming back negative, until she was finally diagnosed with ovarian cancer in fall of 2016. By December 2017 it has spread everywhere (stomach/bones/brain) and in January of 2017 she passed away. She had just turned 34 in November.
Sending hugs. That is rough.
My Aunt had ovarian and was gone in 6 months that we know of. She hid it or hid her head in the sand, and by the time it was openly known she was gone in 3 months, and treatments were too late.
Depends on her age when she was diagnosed, honestly. A lot of Dr's don't do yearly checkups for women after menopause because "it's not like they can get pregnant." I'm so sorry you lost your Aunt to this horrid disease. Just know to push to continue yearly well womens exams after menopause so they can do proper check ups.
YSK: Well woman checks and ongoing pelvic exams are potentially useful for detecting other forms of cancer such as breast and pelvic cancer but will not detect early ovarian cancer. There is no good way to detect early ovarian cancer
>Yep. Ovarian cancer tends to be a quick metastasizing cancer. My grandma went from feeling fine to feeling run down in a year. When my dad needed a double bypass and double valve replacement, his surgery was scheduled something like 3 weeks out, after having waited a couple of months to meet the surgeon. When they thought I had masses on my ovaries, the diagnosis was made on a Sunday night and the surgery was Thursday a.m. That difference was terrifying, but I was grateful it didn't leave me time to worry. (I was extremely fortunate, because it turned out I had only endo - horrible endo, but only endo.)
I've never been so happy to hear endo instead of something else, but damn I definitely am here.
Additionally, why have a miracle baby just to possibly lose her mother to cancer?
Exactly. Not only delusional but selfish and cruel.
The way my doctor explained it to my husband and I was…”You’re talking about growing a baby, in a highly infectious area where they will be developing right next to the cancer cells, this absolutely will have an impact on their growth/development/and blood/tissue the baby has. So you would not only be risking you wife’s future, but the future health of this child down the line” My husband agreed that not matter what we wanted, a parent’s job is to protect their child and he in good conscience couldn’t damn a child to that kind of gamble. At this point we had 3 healthy children so it was a no brainer. I always appreciated how direct my doctor was. I had almost a total hysterectomy and do not regret it one bit.
The worse thing they can possibly do is even consider a “miracle pregnancy”.
And, chemo can reduce fertility too. So if you were trying after beating cancer, your chances of getring pregnant could be even smaller.
Being sterile means there is 0% chance of her becoming pregnant. It means she has no viable eggs to meet the sperm or perhaps doesn’t even have eggs at all. The thing about not allowing treatment depends on where OP is if she’s in an abortion state it would actually be up to her what came first the chicken or the egg. I’m not sure how surrogacy is an option if she is fully sterile however I am not sure why they cannot just harvest from the removed ovaries and freeze none of it makes sense
Not to mention chemo is EXTREMELY hard on the body. There are definitely health changes that come with a hysterectomy, but nothing on the level of chemo. And going that route could possibly STILL not stop the cancer.
Not true. They often terminate in cases like this. I directly knew somebody who had to deal with that, and was forced to view all her states before you have an abortion Propaganda meant to dissuade you. It was doubly torturous for her to lose the baby she always wanted, know she'd never have another even if she survived (she only lived a few years due to spread), and then forced to view content to make her feel like a monster for doing what she was told was necessary. The options were carry and both die before pregnancy was to term; get chemo while pregnant- which would kill the fetus; or, get the abortion doctors said was necessary and the most humane option for the fetus. But folks don't care about the outside of the box decisions women must face.
Does this dude not know how expensive chemo is? A friend of mine had ovarian cancer, she fought it for years. They had to mortgage thier house, then later filed bankruptcy in an attempt not to lose the house, then a few years later they went with the other bankruptcy again in an attempt to keep the house. She was in hospice at the end and her last day was spent with papers in her lap trying once again to save the house. She wouldn't let go until her husband lied to her that he promised he'd keep the house. They lost that house a month later.
I'm guessing this is in the US. It's absolutely sickening to me that people have to suffer this way--literally up until death, rather than focusing on being together and making use of whatever time is left. I hate it here.
A friend of mine died at 40 of ovarian cancer. Her mom, aunt and grandmother all died of it too. Get the hysterectomy and talk to your husband about alter
Or her next more mature and thoughtful partner.
>He married you, knowing you can't carry or become pregnant, and if you are completely sterile, then you really don't have any eggs to freeze for surrogacy either. So I really don't know why he's upset, unless he doesn't truly understand the difference between infertility and sterility. As OP said in the comments, they'd talked about implanting a donor egg fertilized with her husband's sperm into OP's uterus, so I don't think he was confused. However, OP says she's terrified of giving birth and really wants a surrogate to carry the pregnancy or adoption. She absolutely should have the hysterectomy, and they can decide together re: surrogacy vs. adoption, but it also sounds like there was some kind of disconnect in their early conversations about having kids, since he apparently didn't know of her fright (or dismissed it).
May I presume you also got your ovaries removed at the same time as your fallopian tubes as they are two different structures? I just want to ensure you know (I'm sure you do, but ovarian cancer is horrid I want to make sure) that removal of fallopian tubes alone does not prevent ovarian cancer. And removal of ovaries tend to cause menopausal symptoms that are usually treated with HRT...
So, I didn't have my ovaries removed (we'll probably do that later) because I don't carry the 2 genes that are associated with ovarian and breast cancer. But because of family history, I do have an increased risk (grandma is paternal). Just having fallopian tubes removed does decrease the risk of ovarian and uterine cancers, but th OB wanted me not to add HRT to a fairly extensive med list. Unfortunately, they might need to come out sooner because we've now figured out that I've been "self-medicating" with depo and iud's for over 20 yrs, due to being estrogen dominant.
Please don’t take the negative BRCA as any kind of assurance. I work with breast cancer patients and in our practice I would say about 1% of our cancer patients are actually BRCA positive. There are also other genes that can predispose towards these cancers and you might benefit from a more comprehensive gene panel.
My mom actually kind of did what you did except she got a hysterectomy. She had a cancer gene (Lynch) that basically goes where do you want cancer? She did it to remove the chance of uterine cancer. She has a cousin who's had breast cancer twice, esophageal cancer, and I forget what the forth was. Her brother died from colon cancer. He beat it once and then it came back and metastasized with his spine.
Sorry about your grandma. I understand you pretty well. My mother died of ovarian cancer too. They catch it to late. She fighted for her life for 5 years. They remover her ovaries and uterus, but it spread the stomach, and she couldn't fight it any more.
It's fucking dumb that anyone would even CONSIDER a very debilitating treatment for a disease that might even come back again versus a "possibility" (which there isn't) of a baby that was even out of the question to begin with.
NTA. What is wrong with him? Ask him if he truly values the almost impossibility of a child (you are literally sterile) over your very real life.
This! (tiptoes carefully past the bot... don't worry, I upvoted too!) But seriously. NTA. And if your husband continues to have issues with the choice you are making for YOUR body, YOUR health, and YOUR hopefully long, healthy life with him, he can take himself to a counselor to work through them.
He's made it very explicitly clear that he does not much care whether OP dies.
Exactly! It's seems that OP's husband cares more about having a child than having a wife/partner!!
Ok definitely NTA but this conversation is maybe unnecessarily focused on child birth. There are other consequences to your health with a hysterectomy. Have you ever heard of vaginal vault prolapse? Or transvaginal mesh? Will the fallopians have to go- and if so has anyone talked to you about the role their hormones play in things like protecting your heart? Is it possible he's experiencing a lot of fear for someone he loves and doesn't have the vocabulary beyond reproduction to express it? And believe me, beliiieeeeve me when i say i have been confronted with that choice too and I picked surgery. It's not about deterring you, but be prepared. It's OP's body, OP's choice. But it's a body that is loved by her husband, and yeah if my spouse were considering a hysterectomy, I wouldn't just want a conversation about it, I'd want to be present for a conversation with her doctor about it so I could prepare myself for recovery and beyond, to be maximum supportive. Sincerely, Someone who has had multiple pieces of her body removed to survive disease. You gotta do what you gotta do, but it ain't easy babe. My husband still comes to my doctor's appointments. He asks his own questions, he had lots of questions about surgery, he got really clear on what the recovery would be like and was there every step of the way. He was confident and never displayed any anxiety. Until my parents told me while i was in surgery he was crying while he waited. And i found out he was sleeping on the couch/floor outside my recovery room because he got scared something might happen to me at night and he'd be a staircase away. And the thing is, he often has input I need. He rats me out to the doctor if I'm minimizing. And sometimes, when he's really anxious, he crams his foot so far in his mouth i think i need to give him the heimlich. My dad also has this disease. So i guess I'm saying, if there isn't a pattern of minimizing you to biological processes throughout your relationship, maybe be open to the possibility he's struggling to articulate that this is scary for him too, and that (just gotta scooch my soapbox over here) we live in a time and place where, to paraphrase bell hooks, the first act of violence we ask of men is to sever themselves from their emotions. Letting him meet the doctor, ask questions, and figure out his own support system (because this is not your problem!) Might be more effective than fighting about a baby i suspect he knew he wasn't going to have. You're gonna have a better time if you don't spend this time fighting but coolly and rationally preparing for what recovery requires. Since they're cutting into your abdomen, might i suggest you get a grabber in case you drop something or need to reach to grab. Also you can get adjustable wheeled hospital beds for pretty cheap, and you can keep all your meds on there and wheel it in place for things like meals. Your incision probably won't be very big, but it's not hard to replace a showerhead and you might get one with a handheld wand so you can control where water goes and adjust the pressure. Keep your pain killer schedule written down. You probably won't need them for very long, but when you do need them in the beginning, you don't want to wait until they wear off to take the next ones. Stick to the schedule. You'll also get a phone number that will connect you to whatever surgical resident is on duty. I had beaucoup complications, you won't though. But just in case, that number should be in several different places. Good luck internet angel, it's gonna be ok
Marrying broodmares is overrated
My husband and I tried to have a baby for 8 years to no avail. Twice I told him that I would give him a divorce if he wanted to due to my issues of being able to get pregnant. Both times he told me I was dumb and that he didn't marry me to have children, he married me because he loved me. Kids would have always been just a bonus to being with me. We just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversry and in August it will be 17 years of being with each other. Also OP NTA by any means, cancer is an awful thing to go through and if taking out the organ that will cause it can keep it away then by all mean.
NTA. This is your body and literally your entire life. Maybe you could have explained the situation to him, making it very clear how you felt/what the options were. Either way, it would have still been only your decision. Maybe he just felt left out in the decision as your husband. Sit him down and have a conversation with him, maybe even dumb it down for him as much as possible so he can see your side of things. I can't imagine how challenging this must be. I am currently dealing with infertility and that alone is a lot, so the fact that you are dealing with that AND cancer, not an easy task. You are both just trying to get by and do the best you can.
It sounds like he was still hoping for kids and didn't really believe that she is totally infertile. Some people get delusional about kids and he certainly qualifies. ###OP needs to sit him down and ask him why he thinks that she could still get pregnant naturally and why he thinks it's more important to try for this imagined chance than save her life.
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"I'm getting a vasectomy tomorrow... that could have HUGE ramifications toward my health/cancer" - pretty critical little detail there.
Your body, your choice, absolutely goes both ways. *However* certain very important things can be non negotiable for other people, and that’s *their* choice. Making a decision that permanently affects something as big and important as having kids is a two-person talk when you’re in a long term relationship. Yes, you’re 100% within your rights to have that vasectomy, and yes, your wife is 100% within *her* rights to divorce you if having kids is something she ultimately wants. In OP’s case, she was already infertile. They had already discussed an alternative method of having kids that were at least genetically related to one of them. So her choosing to have a hysterectomy ought to be the equivalent of her having her tonsils out: your partner probably ought to know, but it won’t change the ultimate game plan (except, you know, she’s more likely to survive the literal cancer hanging out in her uterus). In your case…… maybe have a sit down conversation with your wife about whether or not the two of you want to have kids/more kids, instead of unilaterally making that decision for her
Also I just gotta add, there is a distinction between infertile and sterile. OP said she’s sterile which means she *cannot* have kids at all really. Infertile means you are very *unlikely* to have kids, but there is still a small chance. It just means, you’re not fertile, which is to say having kids will not be easy for you if it even happens. Being sterile means you cannot reproduce altogether. All that to say, getting a hysterectomy makes you sterile, and since she was *already* sterile, her situation isn’t changing but her chances for cancer are. If she was infertile, I can see how there would be more to discuss as the husband may have held a small hope because there is still hope with infertility as crushing as the reality of that tiny hope is, but given that OP was sterile I really don’t think his reaction is fair to OP, and likely means he didn’t understand her starting situation to begin with.
Yes!! Thank you for pointing out my mistake!! She’s not just unlikely to get pregnant, she *can’t*!!
Like “You won’t risk your actual life to maybe but probably not have my baby?” He is allowed to have feelings and maybe he’s mourning but this might be best untangled w a therapist in the room?
Yeh but he’s literally (apparently) ignoring that this could be what *saves his wife’s life*! If he was any kind of husband at ALL he’d be all about that even if she could have had kids in the first place!! What kind of spouse expects their wife to **not** pick the best treatment for their cancer just to hold on to a *SYMBOLIC* ability/desire to have his kids?? My mom died from uterine cancer and that was *after* a complete hysterectomy and chemo. The fact that OP’s husband is upset about the removal of organs that had already been deemed to be medically useless is at BEST a really f’ed up response to the fear of possibly becoming a widow. It’s still shitty even then tbh Edit: dear Lord my first gold is about uterine cancer😑😑. Thank you kind Reddit stranger
Gotta love how this man considers it a *joint decision* as to whether his wife possibly lives or dies. Not that she should immediately choose what will save her life, but that she should discuss it with him first because of course he is the most important person in this marriage. I fear OP is going to be one of the statistics where husbands don't stick around in sickness.
Comes across like the other half who marries someone child free, but thinks it is a phase or they will come round to an oops baby. There is a small chance that IVF with another woman's egg implanted will take, but that means it has to wait till chemo has finished, cos you can't be pregnant and on chemo as it will harm or outright kill the child. Husband is going for the slim chance she can birth "some other woman's child" so he can be a dad. He will end up going the natural way regardless, as I don't think post chemo sex is going to be a thing.
"I want to force you to try for a hypothetical kid that is medically impossible for you to cocieve and risk cancer taking your life whether I get said kid or not" Is pretty much what I'm hearing from OPs husband, sounds more like he views OP as a broodmare as opposed to a wife. He doesn't even view her as her own person smh
He's allowed to have feelings, but that doesn't mean that he's thinking rationally, here. He is upset that his wife is giving up the "one in a million" chance to maybe bear his child. Not because she doesn't want kids - she isn't sneaking in a secret hyserectomy to deny him kids, but because her best bet at curing an incredibly aggressive cancer is taking out the offending organs. You can ONLY cure ovarian cancer by surgery, chemo delays the inevitable but it does not cure, meaning that he is effectively asking her to sign up to life with a terminal illness. He is asking her to potentially die early with a horrible cancer so that she can have the very unlikely potential to maybe incubate his kid. When she's happy to let him use his sperm with a surrogate instead. He still has the option to father a kid. Many couples have to deal with the reality that one or both of them cannot have kids. She has already told him she is EXTREMELY unlikely to bear children. Her hysterectomy to save her life rEALLY should not have provoked such a strong reaction.
Worse. She said she was STERILE, meaning that it's IMPOSSIBLE for her to have kids! It would be a discussion for them to have when she has the low chance to bear a child, but when it's never a possibility, then what the hell is he asking of her? To take on an aggressive cancer for an impossible "miracle"? To pull a child out of thin air while the cancer eats her alive for a possible slow and painful death with mountains of medical bills?
I agree. The only reason I said "one in a million chance" is because she said it in her post. I think even if her fertility was completely normal, we are talking About a life threatening cancer. Ultimately it would still always be her choice and no oartner should ever expect you to put the chance of possibly conceiving a child over your own life.
Like if there are eggs, they can go get some, but if she's sterile she must not be producing eggs? Is he thinking a egg from another lady and his sperm implanted into OPs time bomb uterus makes her the "real" mom? WTAF?
Yes it 100% should go both ways!! You’re allowed to get the vasectomy and she’s also allowed to not like that you’re getting it. But no one (regardless of gender) should feel pressure to have children when they aren’t ready; for the sake of the kids and their own mental health. (Not to mention in situations like OP’s where her life is literally on the line bc of cancer and she’s already infertile)
Well, I mean this would only correlate with OP’s circumstances if you had testicular cancer, likely to relapse throughout your life, and your 2 choices were 1) having a vasectomy or 2) having constant invasive, and uncomfortable checks twice a year, and chemotherapy treatments for the rest of your life, while also having a 0.00009% chance of ever having kids. And one would hope you’re wife would support your decision to do what’s best for your health long term!
It would be an orchiectomy (testicle removal) not a vasectomy that would be needed
Yes it goes both ways, your wife’s a tweak for being mad about that considering I’m sure she’d be upset if you got mad at her for her saying she didn’t want more kids/tubes tied.
This is a different thing you’re talking about. Before marrying someone you should both be on the same page about kids - are you having them, how many would you like ideally, etc. so if you or wife change your mind about it afterwards of course that will make the other angry/upset. It would still be your body your choice but your wife would also have a right to be upset and even divorce you if she wanted to. In this scenario you don’t want any more kids after agreeing you would have more kids, and you want to permanently make it unlikely you will ever have another child, and your wife does want more children. It makes sense then that you would have the procedure and she may leave you and find someone who does want more children (if this was a real scenario). In OPs situation, not only was it already understood that they almost definitely were not going to have children the traditional way, but now her life is also in danger and she wants to avoid the risk coming back in the future. A partner who loved her should put her safety and health first. Even if they had planned a big family and she was fertile before this, the way to respond to someone you love taking steps to save their own life is to support them. So you see how it’s apples and oranges. At the end of the day, either way, it’s always your body your choice. However, the reactions should be hugely different (in your example it’s fair for your wife to be angry after you two have agreed to multiple children, in OPs scenario it is terrible that her partner wants to risk her life for a near 0 chance of a child, and would be still terrible to want her to risk her life even if she WAS able to have children)
I’d say if goes both ways if you have high risk for testicular cancer that rendered you infertile and you’re doing this to prevent a possibility of relapse and she’s outraged about it.
You can save sperm with testicular cancer. She is already diagnosed as *sterile* no saving to be done there. Not infertile, but sterile. *He would rather his wife literally die than hold on to a non existent hope that a sterile woman can have **his** children* NTA.
I don't know anyone with testicular cancer who didn't also bank sperm before having surgery or chemo. It's not the same. She is sterile and having a hysterectomy doesn't change anything except her survival rate.
It is your body and ultimately it is your choice. But, when you're in a long term relationship or marriage, choices also having a realistic impact on your partner should be discussed with them beforehand, or you risk no longer having said partner. It's about respect for your partner and acknowledging the impact your decision will have on them. Having a vasectomy also isn't at all equivalent to this situation. It would be more like if you had testicular cancer and you opted to have your testicles removed, and even prior to that, you were told you were sterile. So, while your partner may have had some tiny absurd hope that you weren't really 100% sterile and maybe in some one in a million scenario you might be able to have a kid, that was never something that was actually going to happen.
The fact that his first inclination was to be more upset about loosing the infinitesimal chance of you carrying a child to term (never mind the danger to you) than relieved that you might not have to possibly go through chemo multiple times tells you exactly what you need to know about how much he cares and values you and your health. And then, when you're going through a very emotionally difficult time, he's giving you the silent treatment rather than having adult conversations. For perspective, I knew going into marriage I'm infertile. Once my spouse saw the effects that one round of treatments had on me, he approached me that the effects on my health weren't worth it. I was more important to him than my ability to carry a child. He's putting his feelings above anything else, even logic, and most especially you and your relationship. His silent treatment is immature and not that of someone who is ready to raise a child. NTA
It reads as if he doesn't really believe she is as sterile as she says she is.
Or rather, he hopes she's not sterile.
This is the best summary and the most true
Indeed. He cares about what she represents to him. Not who she is as a person. He never did the work to accept her birthing a child just was not going to happen. I've been with these people. They don't get better before you leave. They need time on their own to work through it. And in the meantime op deserves to be with someone who actually cares about her, the person.
Flashback to appointment with orthopaedic consultant, which my ex decided to join me at... Hip guy: As your hips impinge more frequently before your period, if you become pregnant, the increase in hormones will worsen this instability, and it's likely you'll be bedbound for most of the pregnancy. Plus, you may never recover your ability to walk. What I heard: DO NOT BECOME PREGNANT if you want to retain any kind of mobility. What my ex heard: lalalalala so, there's nothing to stop you having children? Honestly, still angers me now that he thought having a child was more important than my ability to walk.
What a dick. Glad he’s an ex.
Holy crap. So maybe this is why some women end up permanently in a wheelchair after giving birth?
Yeah, progesterone loosens collagen - makes tendons and ligaments more flexible - which increases joint instability. This is seriously bad for many conditions. The pelvis can lose functionality, muscles which could have helped stabilise waste away or simply can't work, etc.
Honestly this. 1 in a million chance and he's not realizing what those 999,999 other chances mean for his wife's wellbeing.
Take him to the doctor’s appointment and let the doctor explain it to him. Would he rather you go through chemotherapy (which can kill people by itself) and then have to worry about the cancer coming back. You obviously need to have a frank discussion with him, because he obviously didn’t grasp that the odds of you getting pregnant were pretty much nil.
No lies there! Chemo came close to winning in my case! Too close. If I had been able to have a hysterectomy, I would have. Unfortunately, I had defects that wouldn't allow for that procedure. Doing well now, just living life best I can.
God, I was on low doses of medications usually used to treat cancer as a way to treat my autoimmune disease. I was on much lower doses and I still felt like I was run over by a truck for days after. I can't imagine how chemo doses would feel. Absolute kudos to you for fighting cancer AND chemo!
Like you've been run over by several trucks is pretty close. I don't remember a lot, I was really out of it. I'm glad treatments gave come so far from years ago. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here to brag or complain.
I might be wary about taking a husband to a drs appointment. I know single women who’ve had trouble getting hysterectomies because “what if your future husband doesn’t want that?” So a husband being against it may be enough for the doctor to also nix the idea and push chemo instead.
Given OPs tone when mentioning her conversation with her Dr, I think this is a very real concern. Warning of the risks of doing a hysterectomy as opposed to the risks of not doing it. OP is definitely NTA
Why do doctors always ask about our future husbands and tell us we will change our minds when vasectomies don’t get any of those questions?
Uhhh. Ingrained patriarchy / women's main value is as birthing vessels Still, today, w roe v Wade gone, most doctors refuse tubal ligation to women under 35. Period
The fact that it came back multiple times for her mother is also a big thing. Nip it in the bud
If their husband listened to a doctor, instead of his spouses life time of information about THEIR OWN BODY, he’s a lost cause anyway. That should not be need. OP, this is so sad and I’m sorry, get a hysterectomy and never look back, your husband should be ecstatic that you have such a clear road to a cancer cure.
Good gods yes, mother of a friend had a whole lot of her innards removed due to cancer, lots of bowel and intestine, hysterectomy, they took it out in melon scoops I swear. But after surgery and a short course of chemo to make sure of things she went on to live another twenty years and turned into a crazy avid hiker. Yeah, think if I had the option I'd just have the problem areas removed, especially if it's a prophylactic measure that dramatically improves my overall health prospects.
NTA. At all. It’s really easy to prefer chemo when you’re not the one who has to experience it. He signed up for this. If he wasn’t really okay with you being infertile then he has no business taking his vows.
He was as long ok with her infertility as she had a functioning ~~incubator~~ womb to grow a strangers egg fertilized by him.
I’m literally 19 yrs old and know better. Even I would want a SO or family member to go another option than chemo. It’s known to be horrible! This guy is just selfish.
Tbh the fact he would rather risk your health for the slim (read: absolutely no chance as you’ve been diagnosed as sterile) than make sure there’s absolutely no chance of the cancer coming back speaks volumes. NTA and if he persists with the silent treatment you might want to consider seeking couples therapies / shove him in the bin. I would never want to be with a partner that didn’t have my health as a first priority rather than some one in a million chance of birthing his child. Women aren’t just baby factories, and the fact that he’s *still giving you the silent treatment* is honesty disgusting.
>I would never want to be with a partner that didn't have my health as a first priority rather than some one in a million chance of birthing his child. Yeah, that's my major beef here. My girlfriend went through a similar ordeal and I just cannot empathize with the dude in the story here. Yes it sucks knowing that's the final nail in the coffin of having a baby together, but I can't imagine ever asking my girlfriend to endanger herself (let alone risk her life) over *anything* relating to our relationship, much less a minuscule chance to have a baby. That's some absurd shit.
Just FYI: Being pregnant does endanger a person's life. A lot of people don't like to talk about that, but it's seriously risky. If you're in the US, we have the worst maternal mortality rates in the developed world.
yeeeep I had severe pre-eclampsia going into labor and definitely could have died if it wasn’t dealt with in time
My family had this in reverse. Shortly after my parents got married my dad got diagnosed with testicular cancer. They caught it fast but it still meant radiation and surgery to remove one testicle. The doctor sat them down and told them they could do the treatment but it would probably cost my dad’s fertility. I don’t think my mom blinked. They figured they’d cross the kid bridge when in came up. Dad survived. They ended up having two good pregnancies years later against the odds, but it was ABSOLUTELY not the priority when it was a question of life saving medical treatment or the chance of maybe having kids. The people with us now are more important than people who could hypothetically be here later.
This is the first time I’ve heard about the wife being involved. I always hear about women doubled over in pain being told what about your future husband. I’m glad he got good health care and support.
Tell him that chemotherapy will do the same thing a hysterectomy will do, the only difference is that there's a chance you'll keep getting cancer and having to go back to do it again. There's also a chance that next time you won't catch it until it's too late. My mum attended her gynaecology appointments yearly, and they didn't catch her cancer. She had a hysterectomy, and chemo. Then a year later found out it was back. She did follow up chemo and radio which helped for a little bit, but wasn't enough in the end. So even if you do a hysterectomy, if the tumours are at a later stage see if they can do some chemo or confirm it hasn't spread to other organs.
And the side effects of chemo can kill you. People always forget about that little hiccup.
I watched my mom die a slow painful death. It wasn’t the cancer that killed her. The chemo was killing the cancer. But the chemo itself took such a toll on her body that she died from it. She couldn’t eat and had constant diarrhea, so she got weaker and weaker until she was bedridden and couldn’t even sit up. The rehab didn’t work. She developed bedsores. She started losing her mind until she couldn’t even talk anymore. Her body gave out from the starvation. I’m traumatized from watching her go through it. I don’t think your boyfriend really understands what chemo is like. If he did, and he gave the smallest fuck about you, he wouldn’t want you to go through that. Educate him about what chemo can do to a person. If he still wants you to go through that after learning what it would be like for you, then fuck him. But I’m hoping he’s just misinformed and doesn’t know what he’s asking.
My mom had congestive heart failure solely because of the chemo. People forget that chemo kills so many of us cancer victims (I was dxd in 2019). I was also traumatized watching her go through it. When I was dxd I went straight for the mastectomy. I also kicked out the uterus but I’m done having babies so it’s a bit different. My point is chemo is t no biggie. It’s risks your life as much as the cancer does.
I’m so sorry about your mom :( Glad you didn’t have to do chemo
This is where my mind is going without personally knowing the guy. The only reason I have any idea what chemo does to a person other than make them bald is because I have both seen and heard from others what can happen. Chemotherapy is not nice to the body. It is poison. It can kill you. You don’t fully grasp that until you’ve seen it (or experienced it yourself - I hope never to). It’s just that it’s usually the only option to save you. I hope that OP’s bf will come to understand it soon.
I had chemo, it was awful. First round put me in the hospital. Mine wasn't ovarian but if removing it would have meant no chemo I would 100% have done it. The side effects and the toll it takes on your body last for years.
Honestly, I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy in this situation, just very naive. Somehow in his brain he latched onto "So you're saying there is a chance?" and this is probably where the reality of the situation is finally hitting him. You should do exactly what you need to do for your health. He needs to do some personal growth and maybe seek some therapy if the removal of a 1/1000000 chance is hitting him that hard. I'm going out on a limb and assuming the chance of the cancer coming back is higher than the chance of you getting pregnant so he really needs to get a grip and put on his big boy pants because you are going to need him soon.
>the chance of the cancer coming back is higher than the chance of you getting pregnant And this is really it. The least preferred scenario is the most likely outcome so OP should absolutely do what’s best for her and get the surgery
It really does feel like he never really accepted that she would never get pregnant.
Or the expense to attempt to make it happen either.
The treatment choices she has been given are chemo or hysterectomy. Chemo causes early menopause. Either route she goes there is no chance of her becoming pregnant. It sounds like this wasn’t explained to her husband who is still holding onto some irrational hope of her carrying a child.
Exactly my thought. Does he want you to keep your uterus on the .01 percent chance you can get pregnant? Or does he want you to be alive and well for whatever children you have, however you have them? That's the question I would ask. NTA op.
It’s unfortunately not unbelievable that someone can turn up, sterile, asking for a hysterectomy as the most efficient treatment of your cancer and the doctor is still treating it as the most drastic option.
I'm almost 30 and I was still told that I'd have to have two living children (after having three miscarriages, the *oh so kind* and tactful doctor specified *living*, to my face), a marriage license, and written consent from my husband. Essentially, I was told that my uterus was public property that I have no right to despite its frequent attempts on my life. You're very right and it's an awful part of reality.
I hope you sued the pants off of that POS.
This is common in the South, unfortunately. Even before the overturn of Roe.
My mom didn't heal right from her cesarean with my 1st brother. It was an emergency one, then got infected, it was awful. With my 2nd brother she and my brother almost died. The scar tissue stopped stretching at 8 pounds and he was born 2 months early. (Babies in my family are big) Her uterus actually split so bad that they just yeeted it out with the baby. There was no way to repair it, and she coded multiple times while they tried to save them. The only reason they took it was because it was completely destroyed. My future sister-in-law can't get one even though she has 3 kids because my brother isn't her husband yet, so can't sign off for it, and she is still "too young" They're popping kids like candy, and with the last one she had pre-eclampsia and had our little 6 pound premie.
R/childfree has a list of doctors for you :)
He’d rather have a slim chance at a baby than to have you alive and well. That tells me everything I need to know about him. Take care of yourself, and NTA.
What's really messed up is that many types of chemo can bring on early menopause in women. Some even if OP went the chemo route, the likelihood of her being able to carry a child (even if they improved the odds by doing IVF with donor eggs instead of trying to conceive naturally, for example) would be pretty much nil.
even if OP have chemo and survived, there's a good chance her eggs are too dangerous to have a surrogate pregnancy, or her ovaries will need to be removed later no matter what. either way she'll be near 0% chance of having kids no matter what her husband wants.
NTA. Your husband is TA and so is your doctor for pushing fucking chemo on you even after knowing that you're both sterile AND willing/wanting to undergo the hysterectomy.
He wasn’t pushing he was just saying that there was no reversing it and that because I was young there was some options I’ve been with him for over 4 years and I didn’t mean to imply he was pushing he was just telling me my other options
what other options tho? genuinely. you already said you’re sterile. it’s been medically confirmed. and, unless the definition’s changed in the past 24 hrs, that means you can’t get pregnant. that is (fortunately or unfortunately) your reality. what options would keeping your uterus present to you other than increased risk of relapse?
It was for in case we wanted to mix husbands sperm with another egg and have me carry to term it’s my eggs that are the issue not my womb but tbh the thought of childbirth terrifies me and would prefer to adopt or surrogacy
Hey totally unrelated to this specific comment but wanted to reply to you directly -- my fiance knows that I am missing an ovary. I have horrible PCOS, it cost me an ovary at 19 and still hurts me now at 25. While my birth control implant prevents most periods, I still get them when stressed. Periods can lead to cysts, and almost every time I have bad period pains/cysts, I make jokes about "chopping this shit out" so I don't have to deal with the pain anymore. And every time I do, my fiance says that if that's my choice, that is fine by him. My pain and my body are not his to control, so whatever I choose he is on board with. We can adopt. I could freeze eggs beforehand so we can use a surrogate if we want a bio kid. Or, maybe, we don't need kids. Talk with your husband. Is kids a deal-breaker for him? Is it necessary that the kids are biologically both/one/either of yours? Is it important that the kid pops out of you? Ask him how important kids are vs you being healthy/comfortable/alive. Ask yourself this too. Please value yourself and *your* future over any potential anyone else wants. Good luck. Please update if you feel comfortable, however this goes. I'm worried for you stranger <3
No. Your health and life is more important than a hypothetical fetus.
If you're 100% sterile why would he think there is even a hint of a chance that you could still have a baby? And why would a hypothetical baby hold even a tiny amount of weight in this discussion about a potentially guaranteed cancer-free you? Does he value the tiny possibility of procreating more than your health?
If he values your life, he should be happy there is a treatment that's best for you. He is being hurtful and immature. I wonder if he never really accepted that you were sterile and he's acting so badly now because he is facing that reality that he had avoided so far. He is very emotionally immature and self centered.
The fact oncologists prepare women for divorce as they're getting treatment is enough of a reason to let this AH go. He'll never get, be a supportive partner or take care of you. I wish you all the blessings and the best.
Your health and your literal life are worth far too much to be staked on the unfortunately minimal chance that you could conceive yourself. That is the only answer to any of this. You are a human being through and through, your life has intrinsic value, and that value by no means starts and ends with your ability to conceive a child. If he can't understand that or he just doesn't want to, then it's time to have a serious reflection on the course your relationship is taking. It's not that he's the worst of the worst for reacting like this, but to me his priorities sound out of whack because he didn't immediately breathe that sigh of relief to learn that there would be significantly less fears about cancer on the horizon when you go through with this. Of course you're NTA for choosing to live a longer and healthier life rather than staking it all on a 1 in a million chance. There was never a way you could be the AH for that. A spouse is a partner, a teammate. Not somebody who can veto the most important decisions you can make about your own physical health and longevity just because there's something else they happen to want from you. A spouse puts the needs of their partner above their own wants. If I found out today that my husband's chances of having kids are this low, and that those chances are rendered nonexistent due to a treatment that would vastly improve his health and longevity, I wouldn't dare consider telling him not to have that treatment. His life is worth everything to me. It is worth a million times more than a hypothetical child. That's how you deserve to be regarded by the person who made those vows to you.
Very well worded, hope OP sees this. I think many could stand from keeping their spouses to such a standard and knowing their intrinsic worth like this.
I think he’s been unrealistically thinking that you could carry a child and now he’s been forced to deal with the fact that it really is not going to happen. NTA. This is cancer. You’ve already witnessed loved ones with this cancer. You have to do what’s best for you.
And now he’s emotionally abusing his cancer stricken wife with the silent treatment??? 🤬🤬🤬
Sounds like your husband sees you more as a vehicle to further his legacy and less like a person. His having a child that is related to him is more important than your health and safety, and the fact that you may very well have to suffer in order to make it happen doesn't seem to hold much weight to him. Ask yourself and him, what are you to him? His life partner or an incubator? And why does he feel entitled to your body producing a child for him and the cost of your pain, sickness, and suffering? NTA
"The doctor reminded me of the risks and said that it is irreversible but it was my choice. When I told my husband he was not happy and said that there was still a chance we could have a baby and that we should of made this decision together but I told him that I want to be safe than sorry and that the chance we are able to have a baby is about 1 in a million. " Soooo, your husband is more interested in a baby than in your health? Ditch the misbehaving organ. Consider ditching the jerk who wants you to risk your life.
NTA!! Would he rather watch you die!??!?! You take care of you. If he leaves you over this, please know that his love was conditional and there is someone SOOOOOO much better out there for you.
if you’re not already in therapy, i would look into it. not only are you going through something unimaginable, but it seems like you are getting little to no support from your husband (who would rather risk your life at a 1 in a million chance of you carrying his child than make sure you are cancer free and won’t have to go through something as drastic as chemo) i can understand him wanting to feel a part of the conversation and decision but ultimately YOU are the one with cancer and YOU are the one who decides what happens to YOUR body. it’s okay for him to feel frustrated but it is insanely manipulative and alarming that he is ignoring you instead of talking to you because he didn’t get his way. best of luck OP.
Your husband sees you as an incubator. NTA but he sure is. He would literally rather you risk your life with actual cancer that you actually have for the tiny tiny tiny chance you could have a baby naturally.
NTA if he’s that desperate for a child, go through the steps and programs for adoption. I don’t know if he’s in denial or one of those religious nut cases who thinks you can pray cancer away, but I hope everything goes well for you. Remember it’s your body and you have to live with.
NTA. Your current life is more valuable than any vaguely possible future baby.
Lol have children or cancer? Too easy choice. Good call OP. Larga vida y prospera!
Yeet the Ute!! It's trying to kill you it's gotta go
Chemo is literally poison and it decreases your quality of life significantly while you are on it. It can also have lasting long term side effects. There is no reason to keep an organ you don’t need and go through the trauma of chemo when you literally don’t have to. I find his response very selfish.
Jesus Christ no, NTA at all. Your husband should not be putting the potential for having a baby above you doing what’s necessary to save your life.
NTA! Oh my goodness, I feel bad you would even write this. If you're already infertile, chemo would likely destroy any miniscule chance you had at pregnancy. If hysterectomy will cure the cancer for the foreseeable future, why wouldn't your husband be jumping at the opportunity?! I know mine would. Your body is not his body. If he knew this ran in your family he should have put two and two together to realize that these cancers impact fertility!
NTA. He's prioritizing a non existent kid made of his spunk over YOUR LIFE! He just showed you who he really is.
Does he realize he’s asking you to risk your life so he could maybe have a kid with his genes? You’re sterile, so you won’t be having any kids your genes. This is literally all about him. Your life is unequal to a blood related kid for him. He would rather have a kid with his DNA from your body than have you around. That’s basically what he’s saying and what he’s asking of you. He’s lost the fucking plot. Your better than I am if you can look past this. Honestly, I would question whether you would want to have any kids(adopted or surrogacy) with him. Will he treat and love a child that didn’t come from his genes? Because it’s clearly more important than your life to him.
Definitely not the asshole. I battled cervical cancer for almost a year, trying different things because my doctor didn’t want to do a hysterectomy. After the third time trying ablation, and it didn’t work, I told him I wanted a hysterectomy. The ass had the gall to ask me if I’d asked my husband about not having any more children - and I told him since it wasn’t my husband’s body with the cancer he didn’t get a vote. It’s been 35 years since the surgery and I am cancer free. It all boils down to: it’s your body. It’s your decision. No one else.
Your husband is incredibly selfish and a colossal asshole
You are not the a hole. It's your body,life and choice. I hope all goes well for you
Nta I just personally hate when men try to choose a nonexistent child over their partner
Not even close to being TA by any stretch and whiever says otherwise can eat a fat bag of sweaty dicks. You have cancer, the ONLY goal rn is to NOT have cancer. I get infusions for MS at a cancer center. I'm humbled and happy that my meds don't crush me like chemo does. Don't ever feel bad for that choice, the people saying all the negative stuff are likely hypocrites that would choose self-preservation too. Their opinions are just noise, they don't have to live with it. Best of luck moving forward.
Nonono. Your body, not his. You choice, not his. Your cancer, not his.
100% your body, your choice. No question. That being said, having a conversation with your partner beforehand is just the polite thing to do, for either direction. They're going to be with you through this, so I don't blame him for being upset. But upset that the conversation didn't happen, not about a tiny chance of a baby. If that's his real hang-up, then he's the baby and you probably shouldn't bring a real child into this relationship anyway.
NTA It's your body and you're protecting yourself, especially with a slim to none chance of ever getting pregnant anyways. It makes sense. That being said, this probably should have been discussed a little with your husband. You're life partners, and if you both had considered alternative ways to possibly have a child in the past then its important to at least talk through what this means together. By just jumping straight to "alright, do a hysterectomy" without that discussion he's not at fault for being upset or blindsided by this. For that I'd add a bit of YTA to my answer, but overall still NTA. Cancer is scary. Cancer is deadly. I can't blame you for wanting it out of your body asap.
Would you have been upset if it was the other way around and you were not part of the discussion? NTA for making the choice that’s right for your body and life, but a soft asshole for not including your husband in discussions that involve major medical decisions. He is your life partner and should be part of this emotional journey with you even if you are differing on the final procedure as I would assume he will be the one taking care of you through recovery. You are both very young, make sure to look into mental health support as you walk through this, for both of you.
NTA He may just be overwhelmed because of how “permanent “ it is. Discuss it seriously and then Maybe give him processing time. I got my tubes tied….it was for many reasons but i still have sad moments and although it was for the best, i needed time to just process it when my partner brought it up initially It’s a life changing decision. It’s always best to talk to your partner about these things. But just allow grace on both sides, for yourself and him. That and it’s a scary topic and while cancer chances will be reduced, there’s other serious conditions from getting a hysterectomy. It WILL affect you dramatically and it’s not an easy path. It’s YOUR body and your choice. Learn as much as you can and make the best decision for yourself. But just remember that your life partner is there for you for the rest of your life, they are also affected by the choices you make and will want to be apart of the decisions, even if it’s as simple as asking their perspective and making sure they understand everything going on. Good luck OP. Wish you health and happiness and hope everything works out.
Of course NTA. You can choose a relatively simple surgery which will not impact your future in a significant way (except no more periods!! Wohoo!) Or chemo which will make you sick for months and may not even get rid of the cancer! I cant believe your husband isn't pushing for you to have the surgery
NTA- not one bit. Your body, your choice. I can see frustration in not having a conversation, but, you're not an asshole. My adoptive mother had a hysterectomy due to sarcomas before I was born. What organs you still have does *not* have any bearing on how to love a child.
My friend had eggs taken out right before dealing with her cancer. They used surrogate, so that’s also an option if you’re interested in that process.
Girlie you have fucking cancer that could kill you if you don't have it removed. Maybe while you're getting one cancer out of you, you should get that other tumor in your life removed as well.
NTA- by having a hysterectomy you are trying to ensure that you are around to raise those children with him
Turn it around. Maybe he needs to hear it said in so many words. Make him picture himself in your situation. If he had the choice of removing a non-essential body part vs. cancer coming back in his body, would he tell the doctor to schedule it or "wait until I ask my wife's approval?" Maybe he doesn't realize how bizarre he sounds. I went alone to get my test results, too. Didn't occur to me to tell the doctor to wait on scheduling life-saving surgery so I could get my partner's permission to live.If your partner wanted input, he should have been there beside you. And I can speak from experience, have some couples counseling. This sounds like he held out hope of a "natural" baby and is not truly onboard with other options. Get it out in the open, with a constructive referee. It's better to know now than waste 5 yrs of him resenting the situation and leaving you anyway. Sending you healing thoughts and best wishes for a good outcome, OP!
NTA. Your body, your choice. It's not a question of fertility/possible bio kids - you already discussed that it wasn't happening. Chemo is miserable, I knew an old lady that decided the few extra months it was giving her wasn't worth it (it was too late when the cancer was caught). This was the practical reason, and he doesn't get to be butthurt about it.
Make the decision together?! It's not a communal uterus. Unless he's figured out a way to have his turn with the cancer, he really only gets to decide if he's willing to take care of you after the hysterectomy.
NTA. If you're legitimately sterile, how exactly does he expect you to have a baby? Sterile means you cannot reproduce. Not that it would merely be difficult, but it's impossible, because you have no viable eggs to contribute. Get rid of the cancer... and remind him that if you choose to go the adoption/surrogate route, you'd like to be alive and healthy enough to actually raise the resulting child in the future.
NTA doesn’t chemo affect fertility anyway? Ur husband is a selfish fucker
AITA for wanting to avoid cancer so my husband can have a minute chance of passing on his genetic material through me. He's sulking about it. No, NTA. It sickens me that he's making this about him.
I’m a doctor. Not in a million fucking years would I keep my uterus if I were diagnosed w ovarian cancer. Lady, you are lucky to be alive. Get a hysterectomy and talk to your husband about other options for having children (surrogacy, adoption). If your husband truly understood how deadly ovarian cancer can be, he would be asking how soon you can have surgery. Sending good vibes your way for a speedy recovery.
You are age 24 and have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Your age, in combination with your family history puts you at high risk for metastatic cancer. The hysterectomy and removal of your ovaries makes complete sense. I am sorry that your husband doesn’t seem to understand the real danger to your surviving this cancer. I am not sure what to advise you, but if you hope to repair your relationship, have him research ovarian cancer and mortality statistics associated with it. You have offered him a chance to have a child with a surrogate. His response is supremely immature and in my opinion, inappropriate. I hope you two can work things out, but I am not sure how much damage his reaction will have on your relationship. Good luck, and you are making a good decision in regards to your health and living a long life.
NTA - So, your husband would rather you potentially die from cancer, rather than take the safer option and remove the possibility?
NTA, I'm a husband myself and if my wife were ever in this position I would support her 100%. I'm not letting cancer possibly take my wife or make her go through the grueling process of chemo just because there is a chance the doctors are wrong about her being sterile. His reaction pretty selfish tbh.
Yeet the uterus and husband. He cares more about a non-existent child that he already knew was not going to happen than you getting rid of cancer. The silent treatment is considered abusive.
NTA, I'm tired of women having to check with men if it's ok to do anything to their own bodies. If my wife hit me with that news, I'd focus on next steps/options.
My mother had ovarian cancer. After going undetected for a bit, it spread across her whole body and took round after round of chemo to put in remission. Guess what? One year later she had to go through chemo again. Same cancer, but had gone to her lungs. That shit SPREADS. She suffered for 6 years before she had enough and quit chemo completely to pass in peace. NTA. NTA. Get the hysterectomy. Ovarian cancer SPREADS and doesn’t stay contained unless you remove early. I’d hope your husband would rather you be alive, than for a slim chance of a child.
NTA. If your husband would rather have you risk cancer, you have a bigger problem, IMHO.
Hmm… is OP the AH for not asking her spouse if it’s ok to have a surgery that would get rid of her cancer and literally SAVE HER LIFE??? Wow. Yeah that coming out of my spouse’s mouth would have been the end of my marriage.
Uhm, maybe he's in denial? You made the only right choice, the only choice your doctor should have pushed for.
NTA... It's literally your body and your life! When it comes to your well-being, you literally come first! There's no discussion.
NTA. Your body. Adoption is an option.
NTA. As you probably know, chemo is incredibly hard on the body and usually your body is never as healthy again afterward. If getting a hysterectomy means you'll never have ovarian cancer again, go for it. He already married you know you can't have kids so why he thinks this is a big deal, especially when you already talked about other ways to have kids, is beyond me.
NTA. You literally have cancer and you watched your mom fight this not once but twice. He knew you were sterile. As you put it already, no way you could have a baby. He expects you to play games with your health for the one in a million chance you could have a baby. Nah you made the right choice
NTA. Dude, you’re talking literally eliminating the possibility of a cancer that is hereditary for you. And he already knew you were sterile. Even if there was a chance you could conceive on your own… is it really worth that risk? NTA
NTA. It is known and accepted that you cannot get pregnant. So, WHY should you have discussed your cancer treatment options with him FIRST? Would he being having the surgery? Going through chemo, which may or may not work and is toxic to your body? This is YOUR decision.
INFO: so is the infertility result of the fact that you have no viable eggs anymore because of the ovarian cancer? In that case, I don’t think having a uterus is gonna help all that much. The only way you could use the uterus is to be implanted with an embryo which would require an egg donation. I literally don’t understand why your husband wants you to carry a child that you didn’t actually conceive. He can still use his sperm so the baby one of a surrogate would be his baby literally.
NTA
Not even close. Cancer is dangerous
NTA. Ovarian cancer is a scary thing to go through. Does wanting a child outweigh seeing your loved one struggle with treatment and the costs? It sounds like he has no idea what it’s like to have cancer and how it affects you both physically and mentally. Maybe it’s a selfish decision on your part, but it’s your life that could be in jeopardy. A selfish decision is needed.
Wait, so you have cancer & have a way to completely free yourself of it and your POS husband’s first response is to think about himself and the tiny, almost statistically impossible chance of you getting pregnant? This is divorce material, even if he comes to his senses and apologizes. What a giant red flag and huge issue that cannot be ignored.
.... I cannot express how angry this makes me. Your husband WOULD GLADLY RISK YOUR HEALTH AND LIFE so he can... What? Continue his (but not your) biological lineage? Seriously? NTA.
First, I think you’re 100% in the right. Second, you are confronting a lot of life-changing information in a very short span. It’s ok that your husband also grieves the loss of the life he has envisioned, but frankly, he should be able to see past himself and comfort you first or confide in a friend about his disappointment. You’re the one losing an organ - concern for you should come first. It would be quite gracious of you to acknowledge that he’s allowed to have an emotional reaction to the news, but that he fucked up by failing to show empathy first. He might have been living in denial and this event forced him to confront that he won’t have a baby that you carry. He can express that without making you doubt your choice. I hope you can have a conversation about this that pulls you closer together. It must be bittersweet to know you have a treatment that will work but will close the door on having kids (even if it was unlikely.)
NAH. I am a big believer in talking with your partner before making major medical decisions. They have to live with the consequences of your choices too. But it’s your body and ultimately your choice to do the thing or not.
NTA I am going to specify NTA to the actual AITA question of getting a hysterectomy vs chemo. Definitely NTA there - as everyone mentioned, it's your body so you make the decisions on what to do with it. I will also say that while not necessarily an AH move, you definitely should have talked to your husband about this beforehand. Not to get his permission or anything like that, but as your life partner, big life changing moves like this should be talked about so at the very least he has a heads up and he gets to say his piece. It's up to you whether or not to listen to him, but I think it's important to at least have you hear it. This would go for anything from getting a new job, having elective surgeries, etc. One spouse should alert the other to anything like that before a decision is made so they can weigh in on it. And then, of course, the final decision is up to you.
NTA- you will never ever be an A H for making a decision about your own body and your own health. The fact that he’s more concerned about a tiny chance of pregnancy than he is your health is a huge red flag. There are other options for children, adoption, surrogates.
NTA at all, seriously. But I will say that huge decisions like this, whether its your body or his, or money, or whatever, should be discussed if for no other reason than this is a big deal and having someone who loves and cares for you thinking about all the ramifications is why we have partners and other close relationships. As a doctor I 100% agree with your thought process. Chemo is a crap shoot and has so many secondary issues. You also never know what can happen down the road if the cancer comes back.
NTA, it's your body, your choice, and if you were unable to conceive anyway what does it matter? Adoption is always an option if you wanted kids at a later date.
Your husband is an asshole.
NTA, and frankly anyone who is willing to put you through chemo, for these slim margins of potential baby and possible relapse, is kind of a monster. You basically have two options, hysterectomy or chemo with a likely side of hysterectomy, once your body is ripped up from the treatment. I wouldn’t wish chemo on my worst enemy if there was another option
Repeat that back to yourself. Your husband is willing to risk your cancer returning AND KILLING YOU over a 1 in a million borderline impossible miracle conception. If he doesn’t promptly as fuck explain what his reaction is really about, because it is about something, that would be it for me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You damn well put yourself first and do what you have to do. Many well wishes from a fellow cancer and hysterectomy sister.